Medieval Farts and Reverse Sneezing

Whether it's a movie night or just midday, Skinny Pop is a salty snack that keeps on giving. Made with just three simple ingredients for an irresistibly delicious taste and a large serving size that lasts.
Deliciously popped, perfectly salted. Skinny Pop, popular for a reason.
Shop Skinny Pup now. Mythological madness of the supreme kind.
You know, because it rhymes and it's about your mental disorders and stuff.

Mythological madness.

Yeah, baby.

In my mind.

Yeah, yeah.

Mythological madness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All the time.

It's a college room right now, baby.

I grab a knife from the kitchen and go to the bedroom. No, no, no.
You're lying in bed. No, no, no.
You're snoring again. No, no, no.
I stab you in the neck. Yeah.
Then you take some meth and you boil some babies. And then you smoke it outside.
Yeah. And your neighbor says cut it out so you kill him too.
Yeah, baby. Welcome to the show.
What have you been having? Crazy dreams?

Oh, my God.

For the last 10 years, I haven't dreamt it at all.

Come on, never?

No, it's like my sleeps were like almost como type sleeps where you wake up and you go.

Como sleep?

Como sleep.

You go, what day is it?

What time?

You know, when you wake up.

I don't know what happened.

But since the quarantine and since I've been sober this time, oh my lord. Oh la la.
How many hours a night do you get? Oh shit. I get about nine or ten hours.
And I didn't wake up until like 2.45. That's why I texted you and I said I was going to be late.
I know. Well, you were late.
Kalilah actually texted me. Mythological madness.
Here, Kalilah texted me this.

Oh, I just woke this.

I woke up like this.

Kalilah just said, here you go.

What is it?

She wrote, here you go.

He's on his way.

That's what she said.

Yeah, yeah.

So here we go.

There he goes.

There he goes.

Come back this way.

Come back this way come back this way eww eww Jesus did you hear that Jules? yeah your dog look at your dog listen to your dog growl I know listen to this dog no that's not growling that's not growling. That's not growling.
It's okay, Ra. Thank you.

Thank you, Rudy.

What is that, Rudy?

Reverse sneezing.

Reverse?

Your dog reverse sneezes?

Yeah, we don't do it normal.

We do everything reverse.

This is a dog sneezing backwards?

Yeah.

Did you hear that, Jules?

What the fuck is that?

Dude, we have two dogs that do that. What the fuck are you talking about? Dogs do that, bro.
Reverse sneezing? Yeah, it's like when cats go like this. Cats do this.
They go, and then they cough up some fucking ball of fucking cute balls. Oh, my God.
No, no, no. Are you Googling everything, you fuck? Reverse sneezing is very common, less so in cats, so you're wrong about that.
When pets reverse sneeze, they typically stand, extend their head and neck, pull back their lips, and inhale repeatedly forcefully through their nose. A distinctive loud snorking sound.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. This is your dog.
Oh, my God. My fucking medieval fart is not that interesting, but the fucking reverse sneezing is.
I've never heard reverse sneezing before you've never heard a fart like that my friend

that's fucking from the medieval days

let's hear it again it's like the drummer boy farts there's like 15 drummers in there E

E

E

E

E

E

E

E

E

E

E

E

E

E

E

E

E Look at my little Smurf underwear.

Look like Papa Smurf.

Enough. Enough of those.
You know what's so great about that? What? I do that all the time at the house. You do? I rewind stuff over and over and over, and she fucking hates when I do it.
Your wife does? Yeah, it makes me laugh so hard. When I find something funny like that on a show or anything, I have to watch it again and again.
Yeah, I do. I watch American Idol and like that but my point is this do you ever fart in bed yes yeah yeah yes do you what do you do you squeeze your butt cheeks open so that it comes out there so there's no noise it depends if see i usually i fart in bed only if i know that we're not gonna make boop boop if we're not gonna make boom boom if we if it's not in, then I'll fart in bed.
How do you know if it's in the cards or not? You can feel it.

Ah, it's about the scent. You can feel it in the air.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, did you,

I got boom boom from our favorite, boom boom, make a good boom boom from my favorite characters from 90 Day Fiance. Did you tweet at Ed? Oh no, so this is what happened.
So Ed,

Big Ed. Big Head Ed.
Mayo Head Ed. Mayo Head Ed.
He was on Instagram Live and I got on it

Thank you. So Ed, Big Ed Big Head Ed, Mayo Head Ed He was on Instagram Live And I got on it And I go First I kept saying 15 times Acknowledge me Acknowledge me And he wouldn't do it Because he's like Doing Instagram Live with just Other people, it hurt my feelings Well Well, you wanted to do an IG Live with – Maybe, yeah.
Or at least say, hey, what's up or whatever, right? So then I started going, hey, man, I'm verified. You know what I mean? I mean I had to throw up.
I have a blue check, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So – Isn't that so funny though when you send someone a message on there? What? And they're verified and you are too. You automatically go, come on, open it up.
I'm verified. Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's funny because it's like when somebody, do you ever do this? When like somebody verified follows you on Twitter, you follow them back? Yeah, all the time. Yeah, yeah.
Why is that? It's so gross. Because it's like a club.
Yeah. You feel like you're a part of a thing.
Yeah. Like, you know who follows me, and I'm a fan.
Mm-hmm.

But am I following Louis Bukowski?

What's his name?

What?

The singer?

Louis Bukowski?

From England.

Louis Capaldi?

Yeah, Louis Capaldi.

Who is that?

He's one of the biggest singers on planet Earth.

I don't know.

Yeah.

What does he sing?

There he is.

Wow.

He's huge.

He's a sharp-looking cat. Yeah.
He's one of the best singers. What does he sing? What's that song that he sing? There he is.
Wow. He's huge.
A sharp looking cat. Yeah.
He's one of the best singers. What does he sing? What's that song that he sings? You know the song.
Sing it a little bit. No.
Rudy, please. Just give me a little bit.
Please, Rudy, please. Don't fully sing it.
Just give me the gist. No, the lyrics.
The lyrics. And you're not here to make it through it all.
Is this someone You Loved? Is that the name of the song? I do like them a lot, but yeah. Yeah, Someone You Loved.
That's a great song. Yeah.
Is that the one? Yeah, this is someone you love. It's about me.
I'm on the way. Here, read the lyrics.
They're there for you. I can't even read it.
I'll be bigger because I'm going blind. It goes.
Now the day bleeds Into nightfall And you're not here To get me through it all I let my guard down And think you pulled the rug I was getting kind of used to Being someone you loved Yeah So he follows me on, yeah, yeah. So he follows me on Twitter.
Yeah, I love him. And he's a huge star.
And I don't know if I followed him back, but... No, you didn't.
It sounds like you didn't follow him back at all. Yeah, but because he's so big, I didn't want to like...
How many followers on it? Does he have a lot of followers? Millions. Yeah.
He's huge. He's like the next edge here.
How do I not know this guy? Because, I don't know. maybe you only like Conor McGregor and like the Lucky Charms guy.
What is that? This is music. I like music.
Maybe you like only redheaded vibe. I only like redheaded stuff.
He's a redhead. I would have liked him.
Oh yeah, okay. This is what it should have gone like.
Yeah. I'm going under this time and I feel nowhere to turn to.
Nothing all way of loving Got me sleeping out You now I need somebody to know Somebody to heal Somebody to heal Just know how it feels That's my kind of stuff Wow, you can sing kind of, huh? Creed, that's my kind of stuff Can you sing? I can't sing, I can, I know how to I'm'm a good, you know, like, like monkey see monkey do.

Oh, I see.

I know how to repeat what I've heard.

Yeah.

I can imitate it, but I can't sing well. I can't do impressions.

Yeah, you can.

No, I can't.

Yeah, you can.

No, I can do.

Do an impression of, oh, that's, oh, De Niro.

Yeah.

De Niro.

Okay.

No, don't talk.

Don't talk.

Don't talk.

Just do the face.

That's good.

Now give me another face of an impression of someone else you can do.

Oh, really? Really. Don't talk.
Don't talk. Just do the face.
That's good. Now give me another face of an impression of someone else you can do.
Oh, really? That's you. No.
Who is that? Yoko Ono. Oh, Yoko.
Yeah. Oh, that's good.
You're pretty good, huh? Hey, can I ask you something? Yeah. Could you mind? A lot of people hit us up on the internet, and they asked us to play a little bit of some of your psychedelic rock.
Can we play some of it? No. It's so good.
You saw it? I actually really like that song. I'm not even kidding a little bit.
It's fucking awesome. Oh, God.
60,000 people watched the video. You probably had like nine hits before you mentioned it.
And that's you. Yeah, that's me.
Look at how... By the way, you look so cute in in this video yeah and and what pissed me off about lax and superb yeah uh the band and i don't know if you're friends with these guys anymore but what pissed me off about this music video yeah they punched in on your hands yeah and not and they didn't show your fucking face till four four minutes and 55 seconds in the video yeah because at the time i was just the seventh guy in the band it It doesn't matter.
You're important. Yeah, but back then I wasn't.

You were ripping.

You ripped on that fucking Roland.

Those keys were getting slid on, bitch.

You fuck you, man.

I'm that serious.

It was so fun.

All right.

And then the lead singer, it's like, it's just him, him, him, him.

Yeah, Kevin Shule from Chicago.

What's up, bro?

They show the band from a huge wide shot, and they don't get to you until four minutes.

Jensen Roof is in it. Alan Meadows.
What's up, guys? That's all they gave you. Five seconds.
I know. That's the only face shot you got right there.
I know. Five seconds of a face shot.
That's what they gave you. There were so many people in that band.
And fade out from Bob. That's it.
I know, I know. Honestly, though, the song, I listened to it over and over.
And maybe it's because from that generation. It reminded me of stuff that I love.
Let me say this. I don't want to defend the band.
I didn't say anything negative about it. I just want to defend it.
Oh. Just in case.
Okay. Honestly, the music was okay.
You know, it's just, what drove me crazy is that, see, okay, see that shot right there? Yeah. So, see that man to the right with the black, see that guy to the right with the glasses and the balding head? This guy that the arrow's on right now.
That guy, no, it's okay. I forgot his name, but so, those other three I went to high school with.
I was going to say, this guy's balding in high school? No This guy Right So we used to play this This coffee shop Called Metaphor Cafe In Escondido Nice And he And his other friend Had like a Simon and Garfunkel duo band But they were so infinitely better But they were in their 40s They were just better musicians They were really good Yeah And, why don't you join our band? So then we became like Grateful Dead. That's how many people were on the stage.
Yeah. At one point, I think you see a shot.
There's 37 people in this fucking band. I know.
So then what happened was I didn't want these two old fuckers in the band. Why? He just looked like a lawyer.
So what happened was I just kind of stopped going to practice in like kind of rebelling. In protest against them? In protest.
Because you were like, get the old guys out or knock them out. Yes.
I felt like if I just stopped kind of getting involved, that they'll throw these guys out of the band. But then I remember the meeting.
Oh, shit. They had like an intervention? Oh, yeah.
No, they brought me to the Metaphor Cafe during the day. and I remember sitting meeting oh shit they had like an intervention oh yeah no they brought me to the metaphor cafe during the day and I remember sitting there and they all collectively goes you're out of the band and I literally I remember what and I remember tears just rolling off my face because you thought that your move was gonna you were playing a power move yeah I was doing a power move and it backf I was doing a power move, and it backfired, right? It fucked me, right? So I go, what?

Right?

And then I remember this.

I go, I don't know what I'm going to do.

So what I did was,

my friend F. Scott Collins.

Was he a fucking novelist?

Sounds like a writer.

He lives in Phoenix.

He's a great guy.

In many ways, I owe comedy to him.

Really?

Yeah, because F. Scott Collins

was like this 50-year-old dude, a 40-year-old, 50-year-old dude, bald-headed, kind of military-looking guy that I met in AA.

And he goes, hey, I'm doing this acting actor's workshop in Pacific Beach.

And I go, yeah, I'm not an actor.

And he goes, I know, but this guy named Gary Austin.

You know who Gary Austin is?

I don't.

Okay, well, I'm going to tell you. Okay.
I don't like your town. Oh, God.
Alright, here we go. Gary Austin founded the Groundlings.
Oh. In the early 70s.
I didn't know that. He got kicked out of the Groundlings, but he founded it.
Wait, what? I don't know how. I don't know the politics of it, but if you go in front of the Groundlings on Melrose There's a plaque that says his name Gary Austin He died What did he die of? I don't remember But he died like maybe 10 years ago or 8 years ago I remember being very sad when he died Gary Austin Yeah so Gary Austin Was like one of the first improvisers Yeah Right So he used to do so he came down to my friend f scott collins um class to do just a series of classes it cost a lot of money i remember asking my dad for the money he gave it to me they to take uh in like 101 right yeah but but it was through gary austin where i was just like you know we would play improv, and I didn't really know the rules, but he taught me the rules.
How many rules are there, by the way? I only know two. Yes and and never say no.
Yeah. Well, yes and is that same thing.
That's the same rule. What's the other one? Add information.
Add information. Okay.
Yeah, so instead of going – And how much money – So I'll give you an example. Yeah.
So if you didn't have improv class, for those of you listening, I would be – we were in a scene together. Okay, we're in a scene.
Hey, Teddy, I bought you a birthday gift. Congratulations.
Oh, man, it's not my birthday. See, that's not – see, that's exactly what you shouldn't do.
You know that. Right.
You do that as a joke, right? Yeah the scene i'm supposed to do yeah yeah so ding dong there's no door there yeah that's so ding dong hey teddy good morning hey micah yeah that's exactly what you're do, add information. And I go, I got you a birthday gift.
Here you go. Happy birthday.
Whoa, a frog. See, there we go.
I've always wanted a frog. See, that's how you do it.
And that would be still fine. Yeah, that would still be fine.
Yeah, that would still be fine because you're – so those are the rules. But I'm going to tell you – Improv is fun.
It's okay. No, no, no.
It actually is fun. I'm not talking shit.
It is fun. Improv is cool.
I think it's fun when it's done really well. Same as stand-up.
Yeah, but I've seen the best do it. Yeah.
I've seen Jordan Keegan do Longford with Ike Barinholtz back in the day. Love Ike.
Love those guys. And I used to just kind of go, alright.

Long form improv? It's like an hour and a half

show. I can't do, I can't stay for

that long. Me either.
But I like little snippets.

Yeah, snippets are fine. Yeah, I'll take little snippets.

But this is what happened. So Gary Austin,

I was really into it.

And Gary Austin had a

class in Burbank. How many levels did

you get, by the way?

He didn't have levels.

I thought that – don't you pay money for every level? He wasn't at the Groundlings at the time.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

He got kicked out, I told you.

Oh, I didn't know how far along that was.

Yeah, he got kicked out in the 80s.

Oh, shit.

So he's like, it's mine.

And they're like, not anymore.

Right.

That's what happened.

Seems nice.

So I went to – I used to drive to Burbank from San Diego and to take his classes. And I remember meeting Mindy Cohen.
She was on The Facts of Life. Yes.
So she was in the class. And I remember hearing that Pat Morita had just dropped the classes, but he was doing it too.
Wow. So I just remember being – like I thought Mindy Cohen was like being in front of Meryl Streep.
Like to me at the time – I mean at the time she was was very famous. But even also at the time, a kid from San Diego who doesn't know anybody.

Like I didn't know anybody.

Right.

I didn't know how show business worked.

Right.

Right.

So I remember just looking at all these.

I thought everyone was a star.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Just looking around going, oh my God, is that guy a star?

He looks like Charleston Haston or whatever, you know?

Maybe that's Charleston Haston.

I don't know.

Charleston Haston.

Yeah.

So one night I went there. This actually happened.
And he goes, hey, you hungry, kid? And I go. And this is F.
Scott Fitzgerald. No, this is not F.
Scott. This is Gary Austin.
Gary S. goes, are you hungry, kid? And I go, yeah.
I mean, I'm going to drive back to San Diego. I could get a meal.
So we went to Jerry's Diner in Studio City. Love Jerry's.
Right? Yeah. And I was there with me, Gary Austin.
And I don't remember the third person we were with, but we're eating. And I remember like going, I have no money.
I can't pay for this. I hated those days when you were nervous.
And you're like, I'll just have a fry from someone's plate. Well, that's what I did.
I'm not hungry. He goes, you haven't eaten all day.

You have no money, right?

And I go, yeah.

And he goes, it's on the house.

I got it.

Oh, so nice.

So we were sitting there eating.

So you're like 36 cheeseburgers, 97?

Yeah, yeah.

And the restaurant was packed.

Yeah.

It was on a Friday night.

And I had been taking the class for about a month or whatever and I go I play the piano as well and he goes he got mad what do you mean? Gary Austin I'll tell you how I he goes you fucking play the piano? and I go yeah he goes how come you didn't tell me? because you know we had a class where we revealed all our talents about ourselves. Sure.
Because I'm not that great at it. I know how to play chords and stuff.
I don't know how basic music works, right? But I'm like shy. He goes, if you're shy, you're never going to make it.
Right? He's right though. Right, right.
He's very right. And I go, okay.
And he goes, I'll tell you what, kid. You stand on this booth and you get the attention of the whole restaurant.
Oh, shit. And he goes, you get everyone's attention and you tell everyone that you play the piano, right? And I promise you, this sounds so cheesy, 10 years from now, you're going to be on The Tonight Show.
And? I said, no. And I started and I started eating but then you know he let it go and we just eat it and I don't know what came over me I just stood up on the fucking booth hey everybody the whole restaurant shut up and I go I play the piano and I kid you not this is so cheesy the whole restaurant clapped shut up no I'm not kidding you why I don't know why wow but they all clapped I sat down and Gary Austin looks at me he goes I'm probably a kid and 11 years later I did Tonight Show so he was wrong so the moral is he's incorrect.
The guy has a fucking bad gauge of time. He's 11 years, not 10.
So, not a smart man. You know, it's a story that...
No, I'll just... Let's back up for a second.
By the way, anytime an Asian kid stands up and goes, I play the piano! I would have been like, we know! That's really sweet, though, that he... Yeah, he did that.
and then um so that was my first introduction to any kind of like maybe you know i mean this could happen maybe you were going to be a full-time comedian no but i just thought that this is you know i remember taking the class of being excited i remember driving up to la and listening to the song los angeles by frank black because his album had just come out. Yeah.
And just going, like, I can't believe I'm going to LA and doing this. That's so cool, though.
They have a soundtrack to go get hyped up about that. Right.
And it's funny because it's, you know, you, you know, when you're a young guy like that, 19, 20, and you don't know anybody in show business, and you never think that that could be a part of your reality. Yeah.
And in many ways, those times I miss. I miss – don't you miss struggling a little bit? It's funny.
I've talked about it a little bit before, but I do miss it. I miss it – I don't miss the way I used to get – have panic attacks at 3 in the morning about how I was going to pay rent.
That I don't miss at all. But there was something, I joked the other day, I used to live in a fucking dining room.
I used to live in a dining room. Three dudes, one bathroom.
They had a bad room and I lived in a partitioned off dining room. And I slept on the floor.
I had a mattress on the floor. No like bed frame.
And I had a desk that I got off the street under the freeway.

Yeah.

Under the tent freeway.

Yeah.

And the thing I missed the most was when I left my shitty, sad fucking apartment and went to go do Mike's, I was the same as everybody else.

Yeah.

I didn't feel poor and sad because I was out having fun, telling jokes, fucking around. Yeah.
vulnerable moments where you're like fuck i can't pay for this cheeseburger you know like those moments are bad they're terrible but when you were out and you were nothing mattered i had no schedule you know you're you're usually young and single and and dumb and down to do anything so there is no time there's no schedule nothing matters yeah i missed the fuck out of that yeah but don't you miss like when like i remember coming to la and there was this guy named vic dunlap do you remember vic no but i love that name the guy who made dunlap uh sporting equipment that guy no man vic dunlap vic dunlap died dude all these guys died from your comic oh shit rest in peace dunlap was a comic, I guess, in the 80s. I remember watching him on shows and whatever.
He wasn't the biggest kind of... Was he funny? Did you like him? He's a fat guy.
Pretty funny, yeah. And I remember Vic Dunlop.
This is when he was going down and obviously, like he was not playing the store anymore. His health or his abilities? His abilities, I guess.
And he used to run this coffee shop in pasadena i remember vic dunlap calling me one time hey kid this is when i first moved to la i'm doing this coffee shop you should come play it kid you know and i remember like turning to my roommates going do you know who that is and they're like who as if it was like tom hardy or some but you get excited about I remember one time Byron Allen I was doing an open mic and he came up to me and he goes this is a long time ago and he goes you know about timing kid keep going and I remember like laying in bed no money with like 15 dudes in a fucking one bedroom apartment but just laying there next to all your friends going to sleep going that happened that i know it's so dumb no it's great i know it's dumb to talk about now now it's like i see guys i'm like fuck you right that's what you do to everybody yeah yeah i can see adam sandler go fuck you you know whatever but the feeling was cool back then but back then it was so magical and um i you know many times i miss um that innocence and and that um this i like the struggle this is a message from sponsor intuit turbo tax taxes was getting frustrated by your forms now taxes is uploading your forms with a snap and a turbo tax expert will do your taxes for you who's backed by the latest tech, which cross-checks millions of data points for absolute accuracy, all of which makes it easy for you to get the most money back guaranteed. Get an expert now at TurboTax.com.
Only available with TurboTax live full service. Seek guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees.
What was the first time when you did stand-up?

You did stand-up in Chicago or here first?

Here?

Well, no, no, no.

Phoenix in Arizona when I was in school.

Oh, you went to ASU?

Yeah.

Me and your brother bonded so close.

Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah.

So you went to ASU?

Yeah.

So you did stand-up where?

There was like a local bullshit coffee shop

in Mesa or Glendale or one of those spots.

Oh, right, right.

But I used to go to the Tempe Improv,

but I couldn't get up there. Oh, of course.
Even the open mics was not... The open mic was for people that were like comics.
Yeah, was Dan Murr there back then? You don't remember? I don't remember. Was Adam Eget there? We had just missed each other.
Oh, really? I know. We talked about that.
He just was leaving. Do you remember the first night you killed? I remember one of the first nights...
Yeah, yes. I remember one of the first nights that I did really, really well.
It was at a place called Room 5. It doesn't exist anymore here on La Brea.
It's above an old, like – I remember that place. Armenian restaurant.
Yeah, I remember that place. That was the first place I ever did really well.
And the guy that used to run it was like a crazy alcoholic. What was his name? Do you know who I'm talking about? No, no, no.
Rick something maybe? Yeah. Dude, he – like you'd show up and he was so nice.
Good dude. Not a bad dude.
I'm just saying, you'd show up. You'd be like, what's up, man? You're like, what's going on, man? And he's like, nothing, man.
The lineup's over there. Ba-da-da-da-da-da.
Within like 10 minutes, you'd turn back around and be like, hey, you fucking. He'd be black the fuck out.
And he would black out for no shit four or five hours. Wow.
He would sit and drink and drink and drink. And then he'd go, are you drinking? Yeah.
And you, no. And he'd go, I'm taking your fucking tickets because you would give those, remember when you used to get drink tickets all the time? Yeah.
I'm taking your drink tickets. He would just take my drink tickets and get wasted and I'd never get paid.
I never, ever, ever. It was supposed to be five or ten bucks and I never got paid.
Yeah. But I killed in that room for the first time when I ever like really, like really did it.
Yeah. And then what, so when you killed, when you got off the ticket.
Let me you, because you know who was there. The guy who used to come around the store doesn't come around anymore.
Christian Harloff. Do you remember him? I love Christian.
I love Christian. Yeah.
He had said something. Christian was a regular at the store at the time.
Yeah, I love Christian Harloff. He was going all the time.
He was killing. Yeah.
And he came up to me, and he was like, in so many words, he was like, yeah, man, you're going to be better than this place pretty soon. And I was like, oh, thanks, man.
And I had just done so well that I was kind of riding on this high. And he, getting his respect was huge.
He was a regular at the store. That was a big deal.
Back then, people know, when a regular was like, yeah, you're pretty funny. You were like- Also, when Chris DeLea and I saw you perform and we said to you- It didn't matter because I knew I was already i was already better than you guys then when you and chris were like oh this guy's great it's like yeah i'm better than both of you guys yeah do it right into your own microphone that's it that was sad that was sad did you get that did you see him on that frame yeah was sad.
Scoot over this way a little bit. There you go.
That was sad. Why was it sad? Because I went to the drummer boy, but it didn't happen.
No, no, but that's what you did. No, when you and Chris said something nice about me, it was very wonderful.
It made my – I want to ask you, when you talked about the groundlings thing, because I totally forgot, UCB closed down. Do you know that? Forever? That's what I read online.
Yeah, I don't know if that's true. What do you mean? Everything's closed.
It's quarantine, baby. No.
Closes. UCB closes.
Upright Citizen Brigade Training Center will be closed. Forever.
Yeah, forever. Wow.
New York, not LA. Not LA.
New York. Yeah, New York.
Yeah. Sad.
Yeah, it is sad. It's, you know, it's one of those venues for me, like Largo, where I, it's a little...
You'd go there and bomb? Not just bomb, I just, when I went there, I never felt like I was a part of it. Well, because we're not.
That's an exclusive little group. I know.
I mean, you would get invited to do some sort of improv show or do stand-up in an improv show. You know, they always had like a hook.
It couldn't just be stand-up. Yeah.
You gotta do stand-up, but then there's an interview where you have to play a character. Someone's gonna throw something at the audience at you just out of nowhere, and it's an object that we gave them, and so you just have to play with it.
Yeah. It might hit you in the face.
It might not. Yeah, but it's one of those places where I go, I always thought to myself, I'm not cool enough.
Well, they always had kind of, there's always a vibe there. Right, but this is the only way I explain it.
Whenever I would feel like shit because I'd go there and do a show and do fine or something. Yeah.
And I was like, what the fuck? It's the same jokes I do back at the, I always would walk away going, ah, this is how people feel when they come to the store. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, so I felt the balance was right. I was like, oh, I deserve to feel like that.
Because I know people come up to me and they're like, fuck, a store makes me feel like shit whenever I go. I'm like, what? Yeah.
I think the store is for people that experience trauma. Yeah.
A lot of it. Yeah, because I know a lot of wholesome, just nice people with good upbringings who get a really strange vibe from the company store where they feel just as soon as they get there uncomfortable.
Like gross, yeah. And just intimidated.
Yeah, it is though. It is very intimidating.
Yeah, but it's just you can't fuck with the history, man. No.
You can't fuck with the history and the level of talent. When you bombed for the first time at the store, do you remember your first bad, bad show there? Yeah? I can tell you what it is.
Yeah. Come on, baby.
I know I'm going to say it, but I have to think about it. Come on, papa.
I don't want to start a war. Let the papa tell a tell a story um you're not gonna start a war so this is what happened oh fuck sorry so this is when I was opening up for Mencia a lot turn it off okay because I want to pay attention all right relax your volume thing on the side I don't know how right there where your thumb is oh look at that that's very that's responsible.
Rudy's laughing. Rudy likes it.
Rudy loves it. I was living in San Diego, but Mitzi had made me a paid regular.
At La Jolla or at? No. I got lucky.
So two years in, Pauly called me and goes, dude, I saw you in an open mic. And I'm looking for an emcee for my Vegas show.
And I go, I was working the door in La Jolla and I go, all right. Yeah.
So he flew me out there and it was in front of, he was huge at the time, 5,000 people. Where was it at in Vegas? Top of the Riv.
Wow. Right? So Steve Schrippa was like the guy there.
You know Schrippa? Yes. 5,000 people? Yeah.
And I remember Schrepa going, Hey kid, he called me Ching because Dice used to call me Ching.

What?

Yeah.

Dice used to call me Ching.

C-H-I-N-G?

Yeah.

C-H-I-N-K.

Yeah, so he's ego.

What are you saying?

Which one are you saying?

Ching with a G.

Oh my God.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Not chink.

Not chink?

That's illegal.

No, it's not. It's cancel.
You could have said it back then. We said it all the time.
Yeah, you guys did. Just as Shane Gillis got canceled from it, that's now.
Back then, it was fine. So, Stripper used to call me Ching, and then he'd go, hey, Ching, if you do six minutes, I'll break your legs.
Oh, yeah. If you do four minutes, I'll break your legs.
You do five. That's it.
That's what you got to do. And I remember just being, I like my legs.
You know what I mean? Just like literally taking it literally. Yeah.
You know? Yeah. Oh, he's in the mafia.
It's also Vegas. Maybe it was.
Well, you'd hear stories that he was connected to the mafia or whatever, right? Yeah, he was. So I remember I had been doing comedy for two years, and I went up.
I don't remember what I did. And then I brought up Wild Willie Parsons.
Wild Willie Parsons. His picture is still down at the store.
So Wild Willie Parsons went up, did 30. But when I got off stage, backstage, huge place, right?

Yeah.

I see Mitzi coming up to me.

Oh, shit.

And I'm going to open my car.

She goes, hey, Bobby.

There you go.

What is that impression?

That's her.

That's how she sounded like.

I know, but you do it like she's like, whoop, whoop.

Yeah, that's what she sounded like.

Bobby, Bobby.

Bobby.

Yeah.

I go, yeah, Mitzi. That's how I used to sound.
Mm-hmm. Scared.
Mm-hmm. Well, yeah, what's...
Why? What's up? Did I do something wrong? And she goes, you're a regular at all my clubs. Oh, wow.
And that's how I got in. Damn.
How lucky. That must have felt so fucking good.
So lucky. So I was living in San Diego in a regular, but Menci goes, hey, dude.
Hey, bro. You come up and do – come to LA, bro.
So I went up there on a Saturday night, and Mitzi saw me there. And I was hanging out with Carlos in the main room, green room.
And Carlos goes, hey, Mitzi, put him up. Right? You're a new comic.
I'm new. Yeah.
And Mitzi goes, yeah, you go up. And Joe Rogan says, Joe Rogan's there.
And Joe Rogan goes, Mitzi, he's from fucking San Diego. He's not funny.
Or something like that. He's not fucking funny.
Right? Yeah. He'll be fine.
That's what she said. Yeah.
I went up there. Not only did i not hear any laughs i hear rogan in the back on i fucking told you he's not funny he's not fucking funny yeah right and i remember eating it so bad you can feel it oh my god it was also like one of those sets where i went oh maybe it i'm not not going to make it.
Yeah. Oh, God.
You know, maybe it's just like I was a local – yeah, in San Diego, what? Who am I competing against? Right. But maybe in the big leagues, I just don't have it.
In retrospect, it's because I just didn't – wasn't – You weren't ready. I wasn't ready.
That's all. You were good.
You just weren't ready. I wasn't even good.
I wasn't even good. It was just like, I just know I wasn't ready.
Can you give me one of your jokes that bombed up? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
I used to do, um, I'm so lonely, right? I'm so lonely. When I masturbate, I grab my own ass, right? And then I turn around and go, do me, do me.
And I start

squeezing my chin and cheeks.

Yeah. And then my opening

line was, I used to make my hair

really messy. So it was out of

control. And I would go,

I'm not really Asian.

I just woke up.

Oh my god.

And it used to get

crushed. In San Diego.
In San Diego. And I did it in the main room.
Nothing. And it was so funny.
Yesterday, the Sklar brothers, I did something with them. And the Sklar brothers was around back then.
What did you do with the Sklar brothers? I couldn't help it. I thought we're quarantining.
No, I didn't. I did it through Zoom.
Zoom. Oh, okay.
But why? Because they're my friends. I know, but the thing is.
I know, I like them too. They're twins.
I know, I like them too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They got mad at me, by the way. Well, I mean, I just finished.
I made fun of Star Wars. Oh, I hate Star Wars.
But they went through my agent and my manager. They kept calling me and then I didn't respond.

So then they went to Abby and Matt and they called me.

Hey, what about the Sklar Brothers?

And I went, well, they have my number.

So then when they directly called me, I couldn't say no.

So that's that.

But anyway, the Sklar Brothers, let me just finish this and then you go into that.

So Sklar Brothers, I remember I was so bad back then that they pulled me aside aside one night and they go, hey, you know, you're confident up there but, like, we don't know anything about you. Yeah.
Yeah. Because they're, like, really direct and I go, what do you mean? Like, I mean, you're just doing jokes about, they don't make any sense.
You're doing ninjas on Southwest. Right.
I used to do a bit called Ninjas on Southwest. Yeah southwest yeah and he goes it just that's isn't you know you there's nothing that we know what's the premise what's the premise of that bit the ninjas in the south because back then in security checkpoints they used to have um a big a weapons like no weapons and then they had tomahawk was one of them tomahawk but they also had they also had nunchucks yeah right yeah and so i I mean, how many ninjas are, you know what I mean? That's their job, to sneak, right? And you'll hear, you see a smoke bomb, and then they're in this overhead compartment.
You know what I mean? And then I used to go, you cannot see me. That's a good joke.
Yeah, yeah, that's a good joke. I did that Tonight Show.
But they go, so then I remember them saying that, and I remember going, I fucking hate the Sklar Brothers. Yeah.
For years. For how long? For like five years.
Yeah. When I see the Sklar Brothers.
But then when I got what they were saying and I started doing what they were suggesting. Right.
I went – they were trying to help. Yeah.
They were just trying to give you some tips. Well, just a direction to go.
Who said the meanest thing about those those guys? And I love them. They're great dudes.
They're nice to me. I love them.
The meanest thing. And they said this on stage.
They said Dave Attell gave them the best and the worst meanest intro of all time. What was it? They brought up Attell.
Attell was at the store. I love him.
And they did very well. And then they bring up Dave.
And Dave gets up there. You know, he's up for the Sklar Brothers.
And people start clapping. He goes, I didn't know boring came in stereo.
Wow. And they both were like, I don't know, I can't remember if it was Randy or something.
Jason was like, they were both like honored to get like shit on by him.

Yeah.

But also they were like, maybe he means it.

Yeah.

Because he's good like that.

You know who used to give me the worst intros?

Who?

Marc Maron.

Oh, well, yeah.

What the fuck?

No, it got to the point.

I could see him doing that on purpose to you.

I had to say it.

That you were like, thanks for the shitty intro?

No, I had to pull him aside and go, literally, I'll kill you. I could kill you if you did that again.
Yeah. And he goes, what do you mean? I can't do it.
What was it? What was it? This next guy gives you high energy because he wants you to like him. Fuck you.
Right. And he's like kind of a dancing clown.
Fuck you. Right.
So here comes, you know, Mr. Needy.
Fuck you. Right.
And I remember just pulling him aside and go, you know, you might be right. I mean, you might be right.
Sure. I might be needy.
Yeah. I don't play a guitar or do props.
But only your friends get to call you Mr. Needy.
Yeah. But it's just, also it's like, there's certain theatrics that I do that maybe through time I'll let go of, but it's just not your job, you know.
I give great intros. You do? You give probably the best in the game.
It is really funny for a comic to say someone else is needy. We're all fucking needy bitches.
That's why we're on stage doing comedy. But then Mark, over the years after that, gave me the best intros.
He said one of the nicest things I've ever heard in my life. What? We talk very sparingly, as Mark does.
Mark's like that. And when I was on that I'm Dying Up Your show, the show had said they were going to submit me for consideration for an Emmy.
Wow. And I was like, why? I was like, I don't...
Because you're a great actor. No, but I was like, that's a stupid idea.
I don't even want to be... I was like, I don't even want to be in the idea of that world.
Jules, we should watch the show he was on. No.
It was on Showtime. No, but let me say...
Let me just finish. And Eric Griffin's on it too.
And Al Madrigal. But Jim Carrey produced it.
Yeah. It was on Showtime.
It just came out a year ago. It got canceled.
It doesn't matter. We should watch it.
Anyway, but I'll say this. They said they were going to put me up for an Emmy.
And honestly, genuinely, when they said that, I did tell my agent. I was like, I don't really want to do that because I know it's a political process.
I don't want to do interviews and stuff. I don't really like that stuff.
I'm not good at that. Right.
And I'm not good at hiding my poker face. Like I don't have – You're angry.
How was the show? You're angry. I don't give a fuck.
Why you mean why are we talking about it i don't like yeah so they said that and then because mark is on uh the um why can't i think of the wrestling show i'm so stupid it's called glow glow and they're on showtime as well or are they on hbo netflix yeah whatever it is yeah it was at the same time that people were getting um considered and mark came up to me out of nowhere we say hi, and that's kind of it. And he goes, hey, you're really good on that show.
I said, oh, thanks, Mark. And he goes, I voted for you.
I voted for you. Really? I swore to God in my life.
I was like, seriously? And he goes, yeah, yeah, later, man. And he left.
And I remember I called my wife. And I go I go that's the nicest thing Mark was like so out of nowhere

because he doesn't

really do that

out of nowhere

he did that

okay a year ago

he came up to me

and goes

by the way then

I DM'd him

like a week later

and I was like

hey man I just want to say

that was really awesome

that you did that

and he left me on scene

which is Mark being like

yeah fuck you

he said to me last year

he goes

you're working a lot right

I see you all the time

working a lot

I go yeah I'm working

that's crazy

he goes

you deserve it

Thank you. He said to me last year, he goes, you're working a lot, right? I see you all the time working a lot.
I go, yeah, I'm working. That's crazy.
He goes, you deserve it. That's so nice.
And when Mark does that, he just... It's touching.
Yeah. Why don't you cry, Bubba? I can't.
Oh, okay. I can't do it.
I tried. You can't? I have no feeling.
Can you cry bubble I can't I can't do it I tried I have no feeling can you cry on cue rude she can't even talk this one try right now though try to get emotional I can't imagine Bob just kicked you out of the house and he left you back on the street and you have to fend for yourself I want to talk about that real quick, okay? So Ed. Uh-oh.
So Ed from 90 Day Fiance was dating. Are you going to put her up for bait? No, they're not seeing each other anymore.
So he's single? He's single. So this is perfect bait.
I think Rosemary said, he only gave me two things. I think he only did the show to get famous.
I love it. I like him even more now.
I love him more. So then I looked at Rudy and I went, for the team! For the team! Fuck him for the team! You use her for bait? Forget to skin him on Tiger Belly.
For Mayo Head Ed. Yeah.
You don't find him attractive? No. Say it in the mic.
No. Why? He doesn't have a neck.
That's true. He doesn't have a neck.
Yeah, he looks like a melting candle. God, it's so...
I mean, look, I just... Come on.
You know what I mean? It's so creepy. Everything about that thing is creepy to me.
That show or him? The show is – I love the show.

It's still creepy, but he's really creepy.

The fact that he's like, can I give you a kiss kiss?

Oh, I know.

Or also it's like when he was giving her the foot massage.

Gross.

Any fucking guy that says I give the best – you don't brag about your own skills.

Nobody does that.

Nobody brags about a foot massage, by the way.

I give the best foot massages. When you say that, it's like, get the fuck away from my feet.

But then they zoomed in on her leg and she had legs

like hairy, hairy legs. That's cultural.

She has hairy legs.

Yeah? But I shave.

But when you lived in the Philippines, did you

just grow it wild? Yeah. And when you got here, it was like

Yeah.

Is that super normal that no women shave their legs? What about armpits? Yeah, we don't. But don't you...
Doesn't it bother you to have hairy legs or no? It doesn't matter. Not really.
Get closer to the mic, Jules. Not really.
No? But armpits kind of bother you though, right? Yeah, hairy armpits? Kind of, but when I lived in the Philippines it didn't matter. It doesn't matter, huh?

Culturally it doesn't matter. Do any women there

shave legs and armpits

or no?

Some do but

It's rare, huh?

Yeah, it's rare.

I guess they don't feel

they don't get like

Well you don't get

but I would imagine

you don't get that much

you don't get thick hair.

Right?

Yeah, no.

I imagine like your legs

don't get like

like Asian hair

tends to be very thin

like that.

Yeah.

Like your leg hair

you don't have thick leg hair. Theyie monkeys there it is it is funny that the women don't shave their legs but so many of the men there do isn't that funny the men shave their legs right there's men that love shaving their legs dude can you believe this look at i saw somebody sent this to me today harvey weinstein says he's free of coronavirus.
This fat piece of shit who walks around debilitated with a fucking walker said he beat the virus. That doesn't make you mad? Doesn't that blow your fucking— That's how you know that they've got a cure.
That's how you know. Yeah.
How the fuck does this— How the fuck does this fat blob slob piece of shit— This guy. Hey you know that that's an act right even if that still looks like he should i understand that but the thing is he no this whole feel bad for me thing yeah i'm in a walker it's an yeah that's a complete act he's not as frail and who is this character behind him from guess who who's this guy from what the fuck is that yeah no i know this an act.
I know this is an act. Okay, I know dudes like that.
So the guy that owns Mad TV – What do you mean the guy that started – No, he's a big kind of old Hollywood mogul. His name is David Salzman.
Do you know him? David Salzman. Yeah.
It sounds familiar. Yeah, so he used to produce in the day, Dallas.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Judge Judy.

He also was partners with Quincy Jones for many, many years.

The greatest producer in the history of music.

Right.

So David Salzman, he still hangs out with the Laugh Factory.

He's like this old – I love him.

How old is he?

He's older than him.

Well, he's only 68.

Yeah, but David Salzman has got to be in the 70s, right?

But Salzman, if you fucking touch his legs, I always grab his groin and his thighs and stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And it's literally made out of cement. He's hard as a rock.
He's so strong. Solid.
Right? So I think that old Hollywood moguls like Salisman, I think Weinstein's in that way. Really? Yeah.
They look frail, but they're super like they do shit at night that we're not aware of. Right.
They fucking do matzo ball fucking, you know what I mean? Matzo ball? Whatever the dude. You know what I mean? They lift matzo balls for what? Or whatever.
I don't know. Welcome to the Jewish gym.
But I know what you mean. You think he's this is an act.
But still though, dude, the fact that he beat it, the fact that he beat it and guys like this. Like look at this kid, Washington State, this football player, 22 years old in great shape and he dies.
That's how you know something's going on. No, I think – I think there's a cure.
Dude, if you're rich enough, they got it. If you're rich enough, they got it.
You think though? How do you think magic beat aids before everybody else you think he didn't beat it yeah he did it's undetected hiv is undetectable in his blood within him no it's it's undetectable in his blood they literally can't detect it and now now they have two people that they've completely quote-unquote cured undetectable but it took them 20 years it's like these serial killers that find jesus jail. Yeah.
And they go, yeah, I'm saved. Yeah.
No matter what, I don't give a fight. I believe that, right? Yeah.
But deep down inside. They're not saved.
Yeah, there's something going on. Do you think if you got really sick, you'd find Jesus? I can't do it.
No? No. I can't, just because of theades and just because of just their ideology and their— You didn't have any religion growing up anyway.
Not really, no. But so I know, I know.
I know, I know. I know, I know.
I know, I know. I know the church.
Let me ask this, though. You know how, like, whites always have white Jesus in Catholic churches? Black people have black Jesus sometimes in their church.
Do Asians have Asian Jesus? Buddha. No, but I'm saying – is there ever Jesus that's Asian-ed out? If you walk into a church in Korea – The number one religion in Korea is Christianity.
I don't know if you know this. Yes, I do.
It is. And if you look at their Jesus, right, it's not like – So funny though.
Can you imagine? It's the white one. Up on the cross like this.
Right. Behind the pulpit.
Yeah. But they use the white one.
Yeah. That's my point.
In black churches, they will use a black Jesus. No, they use the white one.
Yeah. Why? Because I think...
It's the safe one? Yeah, I don't know. I think Asians secretly, you know, they admire whites.
Not all of them. I think they're...
I think they're on the same kind of, you know, there's some oppressing going on. Right.
Right. And capitalism, you know, is their number one thing, really.
In Asia? In Korea, yeah. In China? Obviously.
Capitalism runs with rules. Yeah.
So what, they have like a, they're okay with white Jesus. Yeah, it's like I know so many Korean chicks that are married to white dudes, but if they were married to a Vietnamese dude or any other person— Mom and dad would lose it.
They would disown them. Wow.
My cousin—God, I want to say this out loud. Say it.
Eddie. Yeah.
Married a Vietnamese woman. She's really nice.
Yeah. I love her.
What's her name? Yeah. It doesn't matter.
He married a Vietnamese girl. Tran Tran Tran Tran Tran.
And my uncle and I who I love. Chaganapa and Jaganoma.
Jaganapa.

And Jaganoma.

They didn't go to the wedding.

No.

Yeah, because she was Vietnamese.

Damn, really?

We may have to cut that part out.

Nah, leave it.

It's pretty personal.

But it's real.

It is pretty real, yeah.

They didn't go to the wedding.

That's kind of harsh.

Yeah, so I remember just growing up, getting in fights with my parents about all that stuff.

Like, did your parents ever tell you if you marry a nun? If you, if you... There it is.
If you gay, if you gay, I'll rip your dick off. Yeah.
And like, you're eating Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't say anything about being gay.
Yeah. He would just make these statements.
If your girlfriend is black, I kill everybody. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And then you hear stuff like that. But then as you get older, you go, what? That's crazy.
Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? We're all the same.
But for them. But then they would change.
So when Obama ran for president the first time, we are going to vote for – who is the guy that he's running against. Not McCain.
Was it McCain? Yeah, John McCain. McCain.
Because we live here in Arizona. And I'm like, no, you're voting for Obama.
Okay. I mean, they were like...
And they just would. They would just do what I would say.
Because they realize at some point your parents kind of realize that you might know more than them. Yeah, also they know that I will be, you know, it's like You'll be alive when they're gone.
It's not even that. It's like, I really believe this.
I know a lot of white kids, right? Right here. I know, but you're not this kind.
Okay. White kids, yeah, my parents are huge, MAGA, MAGA, MAGA, you know what I mean? And I'm like, oh, but you're not.
Yeah, man yeah man it's crazy it's like that point of view is crazy i go but how do you you know it's your job to change them yeah but a lot of but like your parents what are they that's hard i think they're probably they're they're traditionally conservative people but they're not MAGA MAGA people. But they voted for him?

No.

Okay.

I mean, I don't know.

You've never asked?

Not really.

But I just, we make fun of them so much that I just figured we're on the same page.

Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like my Twitter with my, or my text with my parents and my sister.

Yeah.

It's us just sending Trump clips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they're traditionally conservative people.

Yeah, so are my parents, but it's like, you know, I just try to sway their, you know. Like my mom, my mom liked, because I liked Pete Buttigieg.
She liked him too. Yeah.
A gay veteran. I thought that was a good liberal.
If you're going to have a liberal candidate, I was like, get a gay fucking veteran in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A guy who sucks cock and shoots guns. Yeah, that's the one.
Get him in there. I thought he was, I think he was too young.
People don't like young guys. For some reason, this country's obsessed with old, what is our, why do we like old guys to be a president? Why can't it just be someone young? Because I think that it's, it because, You're like, he's been around.
Because George Washington wore that white wig. Yeah.
And he looked like he's a 90 year old angel. That's because he was i know my point though is is that it always they always had like you know older dudes through generations because it feels like we know more than you yeah but they don't no no shit yeah no shit because look at canadian's guy who's canadian oh trudeau yeah he's a young guy young guy yeah you know i mean yeah he you can tell he's just power fucks he power fucks yeah yeah like Right? Like, yeah.
Young guy. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah. You can tell he's just power fucks.
He power fucks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like,

right?

Like hard.

You know what I mean?

Where is,

Trump looks like he does sloppy fucking.

Like you hear this noise.

You know what I mean?

And then,

I'm done.

Yeah.

Right?

He goes,

I'm gonna,

where do you feel this whole lot?

Yeah. And then he's done.
I'm done. And it's like in her belly button.
Yeah. Melania's belly button and she's like, oh, that wasn't even my fault.
This feels good to me and I am liking this. Yeah.
That poor fucking robot slave. Look at this.
I'm gonna bring up this article. I wanted you to see this.
Another one. This is really sad.
I got a couple of news pieces I want to share with you. New York man and girlfriend quarantined in Mexico are shot and killed.
This is why we're at the fucking bottom of journalism right now, by the way. You want to know why we're at the butt bottom of journalism? Okay.
This Mini Vonnie Burke out of NBC News, look what she did. New York man and girlfriend quarantined in Mexico shot and killed.
Okay. This is really sad.
He goes down to Mexico to quarantine with this woman he loves, right? Police say 20 gunshots fired at the vehicle.

Nobody's been arrested, all right?

He met Baca, a physical education teacher in Juarez, during a trip to Texas.

He goes down there to quarantine.

He was a good dude, his friend said.

This one really fucked me up.

Another friend, Adam Howe, said Landers had been in Mexico for about three weeks, and the last time the two spoke was a few days before his death.

Howe said Landers told him he was trying to learn Spanish and joked about gaining weight from eating too many churros. Why the fuck is that in an article about a guy who got shot 20 times? Why the fuck is there a joke trying to learn Spanish he was eating too many churros? Anyway, he's fucking dead.
Why is that the joke they put in there? It might not be a joke. What if that's real? Why would that be the thing? Okay.
That's information I want to know. Ready? I'm NBC News.
Yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Who am I playing? You. Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Hello. Hi, is this Bobby Lee? Yeah.
Hey, Bob, we have some terrible news to tell you. A friend of yours, a guy who you do a podcast with, Andrew Santino, was brutally gunned down and murdered.
Ooh, what? Yeah, in Mexico, in Juarez. He was killed.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, can we get a quote from you, please? What can you say about him? What I like about him, he doesn't look good at shorts.
Mm-hmm. Okay, doesn't look good at shorts.
Yeah, he's got thick, orangey, thick, orangey, jungly eyebrows. Well, he used to because they shot his head clean off his body.
About 150 bullets through his face. Oh my God.
Yeah. And then he, his skin's so pinkish.
Okay. Thank you, Bob.
Yeah, that's what I would say. That would be the quote? His skin's so pinkish? Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
And he liked to drink beer. I don't like beer.
I don't know. I would just make it up.
So that's what this guy did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would just make it know, I would just make it up so that's what this guy did he's like, he probably was getting away from eating churls and they're like, no he's dead he's like, haha, okay I would say, um he probably deserved it that's what you would say? let me ask you that, I'll be the reporter be real though you know what, you're right you know what, you're right I want to do a real one too now Okay.
I'll do it. Okay.
Be real though. Okay.
You know what? You're right. You're right.
You know what? You're right. You're right.
No, I'm gonna be real.

I want to do a real one too now.

Okay. I'll do, okay.
I'll

call you, but then I want to do a real one too.

Let's be as real as we can. Okay, call me.

But if you're not real,

I'll know. Okay.
Okay.

Alright.

Vring, vring. Vring, vring.

There's no

number. Vring, vring.
Vring, vring. It's an unknown number.
Vring, vring, vring, vring. Block.
Oh. I'll call it again.
Vring. Oh, I want right to voice mail.
Okay, here. Hello? That's it.
Hello? Who's this? Hey. No, we don't want any.
No, I'm a reporter for the Philadelphia Inquirer.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Why?

Yeah, so anyway, we just got some startling news, and we just wanted to get a quote from

your...

You're a guy that you are associated with.

I'm sorry.

What is he to me?

He's somebody that you do...

You work with.

Oh, my God.

Who?

Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee, Bobby work with.
Oh, my God. Who? Bobby Lee.

Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, anyway, they just found parts of his body just, he's dead.

They chopped him up and they put him in a dumpster.

Jesus.

And one dumpster was in front of a, behind a P.F. Chang's.

The other one was behind a Panda Express. We have no idea what the connection is.
Why are you laughing, sir? I'm not. Yeah, and they found his foot in Alejandro's desk.
Whoa. Yeah.
Wow. That's terrible.
Yeah. So how do you feel? Do you have any quotes or – Yeah, I got a couple of quotes um i mean just off the top of my head i guess a a fork in the road emerged and i took the one less traveled no i i really do i love bobby very much um it doesn't sound your emotion no no i mean it i mean it i mean it i did love him very much he was great he was a wonderful dude a very good comic and I'm going to miss him very much and I think it's sad that he's gone now and can never really tell his truth but you know what's that what's his truth is that what you said? Yeah.
Because let me say something.

He was into bestiality.

He had sex with all of his animals.

Okay.

Put that in the paper.

That's how they reverse sneeze.

They begin reverse sneezing.

When you put your pippe in their butt, that's how they reverse sneeze.

I would be so sad if you were gone.

But that's not real, man.

Yeah, I'd be so sad if you were gone.

Yeah.

I would literally just be like, what? What? What happened? But you'd still be playing. Yeah, I'd be playing.
Yeah, yeah. Witcher 3.
You're trying to upgrade my armor. By the way, somebody told us that Witcher was on your phone or Stardew was on your phone.
You said, no, it's not. Yeah, it is.
Yeah, but it's not the kind of. Don't get mad at them.
The version on your phone can't be as complex as the actual console one, okay? Okay. Tell me about this.
Hold on. Police show photos.
Crystal meth in hotel room where Andrew Gilliam was found. Andrew Gilliam is the guy who was running for former Democratic candidate for Florida governor.
This guy, this party boy, dude. Check this out.
This is my favorite shit. Crystal meth was found in there.
Look at this shit. Dyson said he was a porn star performer solicited business as a gay male escort party.
But look at how many drugs. Look at how fun this is.
Here's what was in there. Cytolopram, gablifantin, Xanax, a vial containing mixture of papyrvine, fentolamine, alloprosadil, and a combo used to treat erectile dysfunction.
Oh my God. This dude, do you know what any of those are except for xanax? I know what xanax is.
I know what, no, I don't know any of them. Fentolamine.
Fentolamine. Anoprosadil, alloprosadil.
Yeah. Oh, oh, this is a combination combination used to treat.
But all these they put together to treat limp dick. Yeah.
That probably – well, it's not because he has mental disorder. It's that meth affects your – Yeah, you're able to fuck like a champ.
You can fuck, but it's difficult to get hard when you're on meth. So these things combined get you hard? It's like when people do like – people drink and they get sleepy so they combined it with cocaine or they put you know they drink vodka Red Bull vodka Red Bull yeah something like that to even out I know but that sounds like a lot of cocktail of drugs to like even out one did he die no dude he's alive oh he is this guy's alive why is it news they busted him because they released all these photos of meth they were like what happened to this guy who's running for governor he got busted in a hotel room he said he was at a wedding that's my favorite thing is when they were like oh no I was just at a wedding having some fun I ended up in a hotel room none of that stuff is mine look at all these fucking pills dude my neighbor used to throw pill parties in West Hollywood I love pill parties but he would not like this dude you didn this.
Ask Joey Diaz. No, no.
What I'm telling you is he would have gay methed out fuck-fuck pill parties. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
Oh, okay. He would know shit.
All hours of the night, he would have guys coming and going and coming and going by the dozens. I mean, dude would be coming and going.
And they would be fucking and partying. Yeah.
Till 5, 6, 7, 8 in the morning. I love that.
And the only reason I know is because I would come home late from the store and I'd see them and he kind of had a few moments with me like, hey, you're cool, right? Like, you're not a snitch. And I was like, yeah, I'm not a snitch.
I just don't want... I don't want people coming at 5 in the morning.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, 2 a.m.
is fine, 3 a... Look, my PSA.
If you're going to have, if you live in a gay neighborhood and you want meth fuck parties, that's chill. But on weeknights, can you keep it to like 3 a.m., 4 a.m.? I know.
Don't do 6 a.m. I can hear you guys fucking and banging.
The slapping. It's the snorting and slapping, by the way.
Because I was the only straight guy in my complex. Ah.
And you know what? My old Italian landlord, the funniest thing on earth, when I go to look at the apartment, she's Nunzia. That was her name.
She goes, you're a Santino. I said, yeah, I'm Santino.
She goes, you're not Italiano. I said, no, no, no, I am.
My father is, I just, my mother's Irish. She goes, oh, only half.
And I said, yes, only half. And she goes, okay, well, here is the apartment.
And I go, oh, this is really nice. And I look around and I like it.
And I go, this is pretty great. I would love to take this apartment.
And she goes, I'm not kidding. She goes, are you a gay? And I was like, no, I'm not gay.
And she goes, really? That's good. Yeah, but you seem gay to your people.
Probably. Yeah.
And then I said, no, I'm not gay. And she goes really yeah that's good yeah but you seem gay to your people probably yeah and then i said uh no i'm not gay and she goes yeah everyone here is a gay it's in middle of west hollywood yeah i go yeah no i like the neighborhoods close to comedy clubs that's where i work so i want to stay close to comedy clubs and she goes okay good well this is good for you this apartment is good for you it's so good for me you.
And I was like, God, I can't believe somebody would give this apartment up. Not making this up.
This is a fact. I have proof of this.
She goes, the man who lived here before, he died. Yeah.
And I go, oh, really? Oh, my God, that's terrible. Was he an older man? She goes, no, he was young.
He had AIDS. She said it like.
Like matter of fact. No big deal.
Yeah. He was young.
He had AIDS. so said it like...
Like, matter of fact?

No big deal.

Yeah, yeah.

He was young.

He had AIDS.

So the laundry key is over there.

I mean, it was no big deal to her.

And so she...

Because you have to disclose to you

if somebody dies in the apartment.

You know this?

Yeah, I know that.

Yeah.

He died in the apartment of AIDS.

I had an AIDS ghost.

Yeah.

I had an AIDS ghost.

Yeah, my...

You know La Jolla?

Yeah.

You know the condo?

Oh, yeah. You ever stay in that condo? All the time.
I mean, back then. Back in the day.
Yeah. Yeah, when we were struggling.
And there was an etched into one of the cabinets, Bobby Lee is a homo. Somebody wrote that in there.
Probably. Is there really? Yeah, that's etched in there, in one of the drawers or whatever.
Maybe. Yeah.
I'm not. But in the late 90s, I used to MC there, and Mitzi paired me up with Stephen Moore.
I don't know who that is. You don't know him.
No. He has HIV.
And another gay guy named Brian Bradley. You don't know him.
And Brian Bradley used to do an improv shoot with Robin Williams. Wow.
So they all come from the zoo in San Francisco. So anyway, Brian Bradley, and we're in the condo late at night and they go you want to hear a story about this condo and I go yeah I like history and they're like in 82 right Stephen you were there Steve goes yeah I was there we had about 150 men here and we did 150 man train in sync like through the rooms they were just like it like like like what's that movie where they were you the human centipede very long centipede wow right you're very long right what is higher than centip? Like a Philippine? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he goes, yeah, and we would just like, we would say out loud, pump.

And they would all pump together, right?

Pump.

No.

And they would all pump together, right?

It was just like a wave of dicks going in a bus.

We got so drunk that it was just, we just came all over everything, all over the sheets and the, right? And I remember the next night I didn't stay there.

I would have slept on the fucking beach.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

It was like, I couldn't touch anything.

That place, well, that place used to be the dirtiest place on earth.

When it was blue.

Oh.

Oh, you were there when it was blue?

With carpet.

It's cum.

It's 20-year-old cum.

Yeah, it was, wow.

Yeah.

I mean, fun.

Oh my God, if I was gay.

Yeah. And I was there.
Oh my God. I would have been, I would have been in the middle.
No. Yeah.
I mean, fun. Oh my God, if I was gay and I was there, I would have been in the middle.
No. Yeah, I would have been in the middle of the train.
See, I think you're closer to the back. What does it matter? They need someone who's low to the ground, who's got good center of gravity, to push the train forward.
The caboose is always the strongest. All right.
And you got a little pop. I don't know if I was gay.
I might not like the anal part of it. What would be the perfect? I want to always the strongest.
And you got a little pump. Also, I don't know if I was,

I might not like the anal part of it.

What would be the part? I want to be the one.

So I'll be the caboose, the very end.

So I have no one in back of me.

That's what I'm saying.

You give.

I would be the one yelling out to everybody.

Three, two, one.

Pump, pump, right?

Three, two, one.

Pow.

We were all pumped together, right?

And they're like, hey, Bobby,

you want to get in the middle?

I go, no, no, no, no, I'm the caboose. You know what I mean? And Andrew's in the front.
No, I'm in the dead middle. I want it, both.
Oh, that will blow a little bit. That, you would, yeah, you would only give.
You wouldn't receive. The human centipede.
What a. What.
How great. What do you mean? How awesome.
Did we see the human centipede? Oh, my God. is these i'll just if you haven't seen it you should see it yeah by the way all the criticism that we get from the show that's saying rudy's too young to hear any of this stuff uh tito bobby is the one that elicits all this information to her and she's also um 18 18 years old so yeah it is still quite young it's still quite young she's right on the cusp of being far too young it doesn't matter like you know the term barely yeah she's ready she's ready sure Yeah, go ahead.
It's a movie called Your Family. It's a quite young.
She's right on the cusp of being far too young. It doesn't matter.
You know the term barely legal? She's ready. Yeah, she's ready.
She's ready. Sure, yeah, go ahead.
It's a movie called... It's your family.
It's a real movie. And I forget the gist, but it's these two girls that are out in Europe partying.
Yeah. And they get captured by some German surgeon.
It's always Nazis. Yeah, some crazy German surgeon.
And basically what they do is,

he does is,

he surgically puts

one of the woman's mouth

tied to a Japanese man's

asshole.

Right?

So she's like,

just surgically,

his asshole.

Sewed.

Sewed.

And then her friend

is in the back of her surgically, right?

And they walk around like a human centipede.

Isn't that just the gist of it?

That's it.

Yeah.

You like that?

You like that?

Rude?

Is that cool?

No.

No.

And then the Japanese guy's the smartest one.

Of course.

I remember he went, oh, fuck this.

I cannot live like this anymore. You know what I mean.
I have a human being, not a Santa Peter. And he took some glass and he killed himself.
Yeah, he knew better. I would kill myself too.
Hey, speaking of gay stuff, can I show you something? You know Theo Vaughn? We know Theo Vaughn. You know Theo Vaughn? Hey, man.
You know Theo Vaughn? I love Theo. Yeah, hey, man.
One of my besties. Yep.
Theo has a producer, Gianni. Do you know Gianni, Paolo? I love him.
Sexy. He's done my podcast.
Sexy dude, right? Love him. Good actor.
So he was joking around with me, and we were supposed to do something for him today, but we didn't do it. But he was joking around with me and was like, you know, I'm gay, stuff like that.
And I was like, okay. Gianni's gay? I don't.
Well, look me this and you tell me okay tell me if this is gay yeah this is a real dildo Santino I'm gayer it's out of nowhere it wasn't a competition or anything he just sent it to me why he do that i don't know i think he's on meth yeah he's he's really maybe got he's always been kind of a lot you know kind of out of nowhere he sent this to me wasn't that weird though that's very strange to send this like what that dildo looks like but like a banana it's real though he said he said it's real because the way it bent look at how it it bends when it hits his butt. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Watch here. Oh, you know what? You know what I just saw? I'm gayer.
You know what I just saw? What is he doing? He did the work. What do you mean? He started going up and down.
He bounces. Yeah.
So he knows what he's doing. I like it when the girls do that.
If I do the work, I don't like it. When you push up? Yeah.
He does the work.

Is that a big problem? There I am again.

There you are. When you push up, you don't

like pushing up?

When Kalala's on top of me,

what I do is I go,

I'll whisper in her ear.

It's so intimate.

You do it.

You do it. And she goes, you want me to do it?

You do it.

And she just like, you know, her ass, she'll go, TATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATAT stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Yeah, that time.
I don't give a fuck. It's quarantine and it's like.
Are you guys going nuts because of it? Hey, tell me this though. Are you, you talked about your dreams at the beginning.
I'm interested for real. Do you have, have you been having like violent dreams? I've had really weird, weird dreams, but not negative.
They're not violent. They just, you know, it's like, they just don't make any really sense.
Give. Today, last night, I had a dream where we received vampire eggs.

Oh, yeah.

I sent those to you.

No.

And then I remember going, what are these?

And then Kalilah going into the dream, they're vampire eggs.

Yeah.

And I go, is it the chicken that's the vampire?

I don't get it.

The human beings?

And then we cut to we live in a stone house. This is not funny because I'm just telling you exactly.
I want to hear it. Yeah.
So we live in a stone house, which is not what our house looks like. And I remember being in this gigantic kind of garden-y backyard.
Yeah. And I'm somehow behind a bush smoking.
And Kalilah. Were you squatting? Yeah.
Squat smoking. Vietnamese stuff.
Yeah. And Kalilah's talking to some scientist or biologist about vampire eggs.
Oh, wow. And then he starts going into a story about some Puerto Rican girl who lost all her money or something.
And then I remember thinking to myself, we have this wooden vacuum cleaner that I found. Right? It's like an ancient wooden vacuum cleaner that we found.
And. And then I remember thinking to myself, should we give it to the Puerto Rican girl for her to sell so that she can make the money? Yeah.
So it all shifted to the wooden vacuum cleaner. Well, that is the focus.
Yeah. Right.
And then all of a sudden, that was it. That was a dream.
What do you think that means? I don't know. But when I woke up, you know, when you have a dream like that, you wake up and you go, did that make any sense?

Yeah, but I like it.

Yeah, but it's like just abstract and weird.

Wooden vacuum cleaner must mean something. It wasn't, yeah, it was a vacuum cleaner, but it was like in a wooden kind of bamboo thing,

and you would lift it up.

It was solid wood, but it was ancient.

Like back in the day, that's what they used.

Is it what they used? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know – But that was it.
And then the vampire eggs went away. They disappeared? It just wasn't in a part of the dream anymore.
It was like almost as like part two of a movie and then the second one didn't make any sense. I had one of those where I kept entering different rooms the other day.
You know when you like walk – I walked into a room. In my head, it was in my house, but it looked nothing like my house.
It looked like an old, you know, like, do you remember the first season of Westworld? Oh, I loved it. Remember the house that she lives in? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was like that, like out in the middle of nowhere, but I remember thinking I had to get in one of the rooms to find my dog. I was like, that's where my dog is.
And when I walked into the room in the house, no dog, no room. I'm not, I'm not there at all.
I'm like outside of a storefront and it's raining and there's like a, and I'm underneath the awning and I'm looking out suspiciously because I think something's chasing me. Yeah, yeah.
But like, I wish I could wake myself up and be like, where's the, the dog is still gone. I lost the fuck I wanted to see the dog.
But how did you get to the storefront? I have no idea, but it was pouring down rain. And I think that it was from, and I said this when I woke up.
I said, you know what the storefront felt like? The night I hit a guy with my car. Maybe it was my brain re-accessing that.
I hit a guy with my car when it was pouring rain in LA. But I'm not one of those that believe that dreams – Tie into reality? Yeah.
There's a sort of subconscious thing going on. What do you mean? That's literally what it is.
It's your brain firing synapses going back and forth and gathering pieces. No, no, no.
Or it could be my brain. There's like a little David Lynch in my brain.
There is a little David Lynch. And I'm going to direct a movie.
You're a David Lynch in your own brain. Yeah, well, whatever, right? Yeah, but I'm saying it takes pieces of reality to create.
Okay, number one,

I've never,

I don't know what a vampire egg is.

Yes, you do.

That's never been a thing.

A vampire egg is,

it's absolutely a thing.

Vampires lay eggs.

How do you think you get more vampires?

Rudy, please.

Rudy.

Rudy, please.

Rudy, please.

Rudy.

Yeah, but you're taking

pieces of things

from your life.

Yeah, but that doesn't make, so I don't know anything about that. Do you play any video games with vampires in them? Oh, you know what's so funny? Mm-hmm.
In Stardew Valley, there is an egg. They're called void eggs.
Void eggs. And that's what the eggs look like.
Like vampire eggs. Yes.
They were black. They're black eggs with like red like – it's kind of glowing.

Yeah.

So maybe that's where I got that from.

That's right.

They come from somewhere.

Right.

But then the wooden vacuum cleaner, I don't know.

Well, I think you wish you were – okay.

I would say it's because you wish you were cleaner.

You wish you could clean better.

I don't know, man.

It's a stretch.

And you're Asian, so it's bamboo, wooden.

Yeah. And I think that's got to be something there.
Yeah. Dreams are a reflection of some part of our reality.
Rudy, do you have crazy dreams? Yeah. You do? Yeah.
She's not going to explain any of them. It's going to be one word.
It's fine. Explain a dream that you have.
Give us a dream. It's mostly...
Get closer to the fucking mic. It's mostly violent dreams.
Violent? Yeah, like what? Like me. Get closer to the mic.
Don't back away. Like me killing people.
Whoa, really? Really? Yeah. Take the mic from the thing so you can hold it.
That way it doesn't have to be in that stand. You can take it out.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, rip it.
She doesn't know how to do it. Just pull it out.
Just get closer to the mic, all right? Okay. So wait, tell me.
Don't get closer to the mic. Don't go away.
You killed somebody? Tell us. Yeah.
Don't sway your mic. Just keep your mouth right where the mic is.
She's like swaying her fucking thing because she doesn't want to talk. Here, pull up on it.
Just pull up. It'll come out.
Just pull up on the mic. It'll come right out of that stand.
There you go. Yeah.
There you go. Tell us.
Yeah yeah um i don't know i just i'm in a place and then i see a lot of people yeah and then i just see a knife and then i just start stabbing you just stab random people yeah why why are you doing that i don't know do you feel it do you feel like remorse or anger as you're doing it? Like are you mad when you're doing it? You're just doing it. Wait but why am I doing this? I don't like I don't want to do it.
I'm like happy. You're happy you're killing people? Alright put the mic back on the thing.
Put the mic back on the thing. Oh my god.
What are you Googling? Why do I kill in my dreams? I want to know what's wrong. Dreams? Okay, look.
Dreams of murder may signal real-life aggression. People who dream about murder may be more aggressive during waking hours.
Controversial new study finds the researchers will find that people who dream of killing others tend to be hostile, introverted, and often don't get along with others when they're awake. Well, I have to say this.
She is a little introverted in the house. But are you hostile? Is she hostile? No, she's the kindest girl.
I know, so we think. No, no, no.
at night, I have my five in the house but are you hostile is she no she's the kindest girl like i know so we think no no at night i have my five in the morning meal and it's usually a greasy pan yeah with like meat stuck to the pan right and she wakes up to like this chaos like a mad scientist made a meat pie right gross and she every morning i don't ask her she cleans it. That's really nice.
She does all the dishes. She wipes down counter.
That's what, this is what this is. As she's cleaning, she's like, I'm going to kill Bobby one day.
Tell me another dream so we can try to dissect where it's coming from. Because you're not an angry person.
No. What's another dream that you've had? It's not really happy dreams.
no Are they always sad? Yeah Like someone is chasing me Wow Who's chasing you? It's like a tall It's like a slender man Oh slender man is chasing you Why am I being chased in my dreams? Let's find out what this one says.

If you're dreaming about being chased, it generally means you're avoiding an issue or a person.

Your subconscious is telling you you need to confront the issue or the person in order to get on with your life.

Look at that.

There's a Slenderman right there.

That's you getting chased by Slenderman.

That's you by Slenderman.

One of the most important factors in a dream is where you're being chased or who is chasing you.

Where are they chasing you?

I don't know.

It's just like woods or a road.

The woods. The woods or a road.
The woods.

Yeah. And where are you

going to? Do they ever get you?

No, but I'm stuck.

Like you can't get up?

Yeah. Oh, I hate those.

I hate the slow running. Oh, God.

Like I want to run fast, but you're going so slow.

Have you ever punched in your dream? Oh, yeah, yeah. And you can't punch? It feels like you're punching through jello? Does that happen to you? No? No.
So when you stab, can you stab at your own rate, or is it, like, slow? Slow. It's slow.
But it's not, it doesn't feel like it's resistance. It feels like you can actually stab him.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. You have, like, a little demon human in your house.
You might have to go back to the Philippines. What do you think? How much are flights to the Philippines right now, do you think? I don't think you can get there.
Really? It's not even that. You don't think we can book a flight? If she wants to come back, she's not going to be able to come back.
But do you think we can book a flight from LAX? To the Philippines. Look, LAX to the Philippines.
Let's see what we've got on the docket. To Manila, nonstop for $900.
She lives in Cebu. Doesn't matter.
She can walk. There's an island, you fuck.
Oh, really? You can't walk to an island? You walk to the end and then you swim to the next island. We could put you on Korean Air.
One stop. Yeah.
$844. Should we buy it right now? No, no, no.
Oh, no, this is a return. We don't want her to come back.
The problem is, Andrew, the problem is because of the present that we have. Yeah.
Her coming back to America if she wants to come back to go back to school. Right.
She's not going to be able to do it, especially during the quarantine. I don't like it.
I don't like little Filipinos. You can't come back.
Why is it so hot in here now? Because it's 98 degrees outside today. It is, yeah? Yeah.
We can't put the air con on? We're going to put the air on in a second. Okay.
Because I think we can hear it. I want to elicit a competition for everybody because Bobby brags about his house.
And somebody hit me up online and was like, Bobby always brags about his house. What does it look like? Show your house.
I said, Bobby's obviously never going to show his house. That would be foolish.
When did I brag about my house? Just last episode, you were like, I got a big – everyone knows. I'm kidding.
I'm going to be honest with you. I want everybody to draw.
I want someone to draw a 3D drawing. I'm going to be honest with you, right? You went to Sebastian's house, right, Rudy? Maniscalco's house.
Oh my God. How big was that house? Very big.
Very big, right? Yeah, it's like $50 million or something. Right, so let me ask you something, right? How many times bigger do you think Sebastian's house than ours? Ten times.
Ten times. Ten times.
This is coming from a murderer, by the way. No, no, no.
Whitney Cummings. Yeah, bigger.
Her house is probably five or six, literally five or six times bigger than my house. Yeah, it's very big.
D'Elia is five or six times bigger. D'Elia has seven houses now.
I know. So that was my point.
I have one fucking house. One nice house.
It's okay. It's an average house.
I want people to draw the house what they think it looks like. So people send in your drawings to what you think it looks like at badfriendsmail at gmail.com because I really want to see what they think your house looks like.
What does your house look like? Extremely modest. Ranch.
It's just a one. How many bedrooms? 17.
No. How many bedrooms? Three.
Ours is three as well. How many bathrooms? 17 No, how many bedrooms? 3 Ours is 3 as well How many bathrooms? 3 Ours is 3 as well You have 4 bathrooms, Kalilah said 3 Right? 3 3 Pool? Hot tub? We have a pool, do you have a pool? Yeah Yeah, same as yours Okay Alright But you're in the Hollywood Hills.

All right, look, people, send in your drawings.

I want to see what you guys think the house looks like.

And also, if anybody out there knows what dreams mean,

can you please let us know what's wrong with Rudy's dreams and we can dissect them next week because I really want to find out.

I love you. Say goodbye.
Ready?