Medieval Farts and Reverse Sneezing

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 Are you two or something?

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Mythological madness. It's all in my mind.

Speaker 2 Mythological madness of the supreme kind. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 You know, because it rhymes and it's about your mental disorders and stuff. Mythological madness.
Yeah, baby. In my mind.

Speaker 2 Mythological madness. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All the time.

Speaker 2 I grab a knife from the kitchen and go to the bedroom. No, no, no.
Lying in bed. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, snoring again.

Speaker 2 I stab you in the neck.

Speaker 2 Then you take some mess and you boil some babies. And then you smoke it outside.
Yeah. And your neighbor says, cut it out, so you kill him too.
Yeah, baby. Welcome to the show.

Speaker 2 What have you been having? Crazy dreams? Oh my god. I've been

Speaker 2 for the last 10 years.

Speaker 2 I haven't dreamt at all. Come on, never? No, it's like my sleeps were like almost comotype sleeps where you wake up and you go,

Speaker 2 or you go, what day is it? What time? You know, when you wake up, I don't know what, you know, I don't know what happened.

Speaker 2 But since the quarantine and since I've been sober this time, oh my lord, oh la la. How many hours a night do you get? Oh shit.
I get about nine or ten hours.

Speaker 2 And I didn't go, I didn't wake up until like 2:45. That's why I texted you and I said I was going to be late.
I know. Well, you were late.
Kalila actually texted me. Mythological madness.

Speaker 2 Here, Kalila texted me this. Oh, I just woke up this.
I woke up like this. Kalila just said,

Speaker 2 Here you go. He's

Speaker 2 she wrote, Here you go. He's on his way.
That's what she said. Yeah, yeah.
So here we go. There he goes.

Speaker 2 There he goes. Come back this way.

Speaker 2 Come back this way.

Speaker 2 Ew!

Speaker 2 Ew!

Speaker 2 Jesus. Jesus Christ.
Did you hear that, Jules? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Your dog, look at your dog. Listen to your dog growl.
I know. Listen to this dog.
No, that's not growling. That's not growling.
Okay, Ram. Thank you.
Thank you, Rudy. What is that, Rudy?

Speaker 2 Reverse sneezing. Reverse your dog reverse sneezing? Yeah, we don't do it normal.
We do everything reverse. This is a dog sneezing backwards? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you hear that, Jewel?

Speaker 2 What the fuck is that? Dude, we have two dogs that do that. What the fuck are you talking about? Dogs do that, bro.
Reverse sneezing? Yeah, it's like when cats go like this.

Speaker 2 Cats do this.

Speaker 2 And then they cough up some fucking ball of fucking cuke balls.

Speaker 2 Oh my god. No, no, no.
Keep googling everything, you fuck. Reverse sneezing is very common and less so in cats, so you're wrong about that.

Speaker 2 When pets reverse sneeze, they typically stand, extend their head and neck, pull back their lips, and inhale repeatedly, forcefully through their nose, a distinctive, loud snorking sound. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is your dog. Oh, my God.
That's

Speaker 2 my fucking medieval fart. Do you hear that, Jules? It's not that interesting, but the fucking reverse season sneezing is.
I've never heard reverse sneezing.

Speaker 2 You've never heard a fart like that, my friend. That's fucking from the medieval days, my friend.
Let's share it again.

Speaker 2 It's like the drummer boy farts.

Speaker 2 There's like 15 drummers in there.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at my little Smurf underwear. I look like Papa Smurf with his underwear.

Speaker 2 Yay. All right.
Enough. Enough.
Enough. Enough of those.
You know what's so great about that? I do that all the time at the house. You do.

Speaker 2 I rewind stuff over and over and over, and she fucking hates when I do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it makes me laugh so hard. When I find something funny like that on a show or like anything, I have to watch it again and again.
Yeah, I do. I watch American Idol and the voice like that.

Speaker 2 But my point is: this: do you ever fart in bed?

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah, yeah, yes.

Speaker 2 Do you squeeze your butt cheeks open so that it comes out so there's no noise? It depends. See, I usually fart in bed only if I know that we're not going to make boop boop.

Speaker 2 If we're not going to make boom boom.

Speaker 2 If it's not in the cards,

Speaker 2 then I'll fart in bed. How do you know if it's in the cards or not? You can feel it.
Ah, it's about the sound. You can feel it in the air.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 By the way, did you... I got boom boom from our favorite.
Boom boom, make a good boom boom from my favorite characters from 90 Day Fiancé. Did you tweet at Ed? Did you tweet? So this is what happened.

Speaker 2 So Ed,

Speaker 2 Big Ed. Big Head Ed.
Mayo Head Ed. Yeah, Mayo Head Head.
Mayo Head Ed. He was on Instagram Live, and I got on it, and I go,

Speaker 2 first I kept saying 15 times, acknowledge me. Acknowledge me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he wouldn't do it, right?

Speaker 2 Because he's like interviewing, he's like doing Instagram Live with just other people. It hurt my feelings.

Speaker 2 Well, you wanted to do an IG live with me, yeah, or at least say, hey, what's up, or whatever, right? So then I started going,

Speaker 2 hey, man, I'm verified.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I mean, I had to throw up. I have a blue check, dude.
So yeah, so.

Speaker 2 Isn't that so funny, though, when you send someone a message on there and they're verified and you are too, you automatically go, come on, open it up. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, it's funny because it's like when somebody verifies, do you ever do this? When like somebody verified follows you on Twitter, you follow them back? Yeah, all the time. Yeah, yeah.
Why is that?

Speaker 2 It's so gross. Because it's like a club.
Yeah. You feel like you're a part of a thing.
Yeah. Like, you know who follows me, but I ref and I'm a fan

Speaker 2 but am i following louis for bokalski what's his name what the singer louis bakalski from england um louis capaldi yeah louis capaldi who is that he's one of the biggest singers on planet earth i don't know yeah what does he sing

Speaker 2 there he is wow he's huge he's sharp looking cat yeah he sing one of the best singers what does he sing what's that song that he sings

Speaker 2 you know the song sing it a little bit no really just give me a little little bit of the gist.

Speaker 2 Don't fully sing it.

Speaker 2 Just give me the gist. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, the lyrics, the lyrics. And you're not here to make it through it all.

Speaker 2 Is this someone you loved? Is that the name of the game? I do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, someone you love. That's a great song.
Yeah. Is that the one? Yeah, this is someone you love.

Speaker 2 I'll survive.

Speaker 2 Here, read the lyrics there. They're there for you.
I can't even read it a lot bigger because my uncle went blind.

Speaker 2 It He goes,

Speaker 2 Now the day bleeds into nightfall,

Speaker 2 and you're not here to get me through it all.

Speaker 2 I let my guard down and think you pulled the rug.

Speaker 2 I was getting kind of used to being someone you loved. Ugh.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he follows me on Twitter. Yeah, I love him.
And he's a huge star.

Speaker 2 And I don't know if I followed him back, but...

Speaker 2 No, you didn't. It sounds like you didn't follow him back.
Yeah, but because he's so big, I didn't want to like

Speaker 2 how many followers? Does he have a lot of followers? Millions. Yeah.
He is huge. He's like the next edge.
How do I not know this guy? Because I don't know.

Speaker 2 Maybe you only like Conor McGregor and like the Lucky Charms guy.

Speaker 2 What is that? What this is music. I like music.
Maybe you like only red-headed vibe. I only like red-headed stuff.
He's a redhead. I would have liked him.
Oh, yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 This is what it should have gone like.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going under this time, and I feel nowhere to turn to. Nothing all the way of loving.
Got me sleeping out. You now I need somebody to know.

Speaker 2 Somebody to heal. Somebody to heal.
Just know how it feels. That's my kind of stuff.
Oh, you can sing kind of, huh? Creed. That's my kind of stuff.
Do you sing? I can't sing. I know how to.

Speaker 2 I'm a good,

Speaker 2 you know, like Monkey See Monkey Do.

Speaker 2 Oh, I see. I know how to repeat what I've heard.
Yeah. I can imitate it, but I can't sing.
I can't do impressions. Yeah, you can.
No, I can't. Yeah, you can.
No, I can do. Do an impression of.

Speaker 2 Oh, De Niro. Yeah.
De Niro. Okay.

Speaker 2 No, don't talk. Don't talk.
Don't talk. Just do the face.
That's good. Now give me another face of an impression of someone else you can do.
Oh, really?

Speaker 2 That's you.

Speaker 2 Who is that? Yuckoo Ono. Oh, Yuko.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's good.
That's pretty good, huh? Hey, can I ask you something? Do you mind?

Speaker 2 A lot of people hit us up on the internet and they asked us to play and they asked us to play a little bit of

Speaker 2 some of your psychedelic rock.

Speaker 2 Can we play some of it? No. It's so good.
You saw it? I actually really like that song. I'm not even kidding, a little bit.
It's fucking awesome. Oh, God.
60,000 people watched the video.

Speaker 2 You probably had like nine hits before you mentioned it. And that's you.
Yeah, that's me. Look at how you, by the way,

Speaker 2 you look so, you look so cute in this video. Yeah.
And what pissed me off about Lax and Superb,

Speaker 2 the band, and I don't know if you're friends with these guys anymore, but what pissed me off about this music video, they punched in on your hands, yeah, and not and they didn't show your fucking face till four minutes and 55 seconds in the video.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because at the time, I was just the seventh guy in the band. It doesn't matter.
You're important, yeah. But back then, I wasn't.
You were ripping, you ripped on that fucking Roland.

Speaker 2 Those keys were getting slid on, bitch.

Speaker 2 You fuck you. I'm dead serious.
It was so funny. All right.
And then, and then the lead singer, it's like, it's just him, him, him, him. Yeah, Kevin Schul from Chicago.
What's up, bro?

Speaker 2 But they show the band from a huge wide shot, and they don't get to you until Jane. Jensen Roof is in it.
Alan Meadows. What's up, guys?

Speaker 2 That's all they gave you. Five seconds.
I know. That's the only face shot you got right there.
I know. I know.
Five seconds of a face shot. That's what they gave you.

Speaker 2 There were so many people in that band.

Speaker 2 And Fade Out from Bob. That's it.

Speaker 2 I know, I know.

Speaker 2 Honestly, though, the song I listened to over and over. And maybe it's because from that generation.
No, but it reminded me of stuff that I love.

Speaker 2 let me say this and i want to defend the band is that i didn't say anything negative i'm just i'm i just want to defend it oh just just in case okay is um i'll honestly the music was okay you know it's just um

Speaker 2 what what drove me crazy is is that see okay see that shot right there yeah so so see that man to the right with the black

Speaker 2 see that guy to the right with the glasses and the balding this guy that the arrow's on right now that guy no it's okay i forgot his name but so those other three i went to high school with.

Speaker 2 I was just going to say this guy's balding in high school? No, this guy, right? So we used to play this coffee shop called Metaphor Cafe in Escondino. Nice.

Speaker 2 And he, him and his other friend had like a Simon and Garfunkel duo band, but they were so infinitely better, but they were in their 40s. They were just better musicians.
They were really good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so Kevin goes, why don't you join our band? So then we became like... Grateful Dead.
That's how many people were on the stage. Yeah, at one point, I think you see a shot.

Speaker 2 There's 37 people on the stage.

Speaker 2 I know. So then what happened was I didn't want these two old fuckers in the band.
Why?

Speaker 2 He just looked like a lawyer. So, yeah.
And then, um, so what happened was

Speaker 2 I just kind of stopped going to practice in like kind of rebelling. In protest against in protest.
Because you were like, get the old guy's out or I'm not going to be out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I felt like if I just stop kind of getting involved, that they'll throw these guys out of the band.

Speaker 2 But then I remember the meeting. Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 They had like an intervention? Oh, yeah. No, they brought me to the Metaphor Cafe during the day.
And I remember sitting there, and they all collectively goes, You're out of the band.

Speaker 2 And I literally, I remember, what? And I remember tears just rolling off my face. Because you thought that your move was going to.
You were playing a power movie? Yeah, I was doing a power movie.

Speaker 2 It backfired, right?

Speaker 2 So I go, what? Right. And then I remember this.
I go, I don't know what I'm going to do. So what I did was my friend F.
Scott Collins. Was he a fucking novelist?

Speaker 2 Sounds like a writer. He lives in Phoenix.
He's a great guy. He's in many ways, I owe comedy to him.
Really? Yeah, because F.

Speaker 2 Scott Collins was like this 50-year-old dude or 40-year-old, 50-year-old dude, bald-headed, kind of military-looking guy that I met in AA.

Speaker 2 And he goes, Hey,

Speaker 2 I'm doing this actor's workshop in Pacific Beach. And I go, yeah, I'm not an actor.
And he goes, I know, but this guy named Gary Austin, you know who Gary Austin is? I don't.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, I'm going to tell you. Okay.
I don't like your tone. Oh, God.
All right, here we go. Gary Austin founded the Groundlings.
Oh. Yeah.
In the early 70s. I didn't know that.

Speaker 2 He got kicked out of the Groundlings, but he founded it. Wait, what? I don't know how.
I don't know the politics of it.

Speaker 2 But if you go in front of the Groundlings on Melrose, there's a plaque that says his name, Gary Austin. Gary Austin.
He died. What did he die of?

Speaker 2 I don't remember. But he died like maybe 10 years ago or 8 years ago.
I remember being very sad when he died. Gary Austin.
Yeah, so Gary Austin was like one of the first improvisers. Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 So he used to do,

Speaker 2 so he came down to my friend F. Scott Collins'

Speaker 2 class to do just a series of classes. It costs a lot of money.
I remember asking my dad for the money. He gave it to me.

Speaker 2 To take like 101, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 But it was through Gary Austin where I was just like, you know, we would play improv games and I didn't really know the rules, but he taught me the rules.

Speaker 2 How many rules are there, by the way? I only know two. Yes, and and never say no.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, yes, and is that same thing. That's the same rule.
What's the other one? Add information. Add information.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah, so instead of going.
How much money is that?

Speaker 2 So I'll give you an example.

Speaker 2 So if you didn't have improv class, for those of you listening, I would be like, we were in a scene together. Okay, we're in a a scene.
Hey, Teddy, I bought you a birthday gift. Congratulations.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. It's not my birthday.
See, that's not. See,

Speaker 2 that's exactly what your students do. You know that.
Right. You did that as a joke.
Yeah, of course. So let's do the scene.
So let's do the same. I'm supposed to do it.
Yeah, yeah. So, ding-dong.

Speaker 2 Yeah. There's no door there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a ding-dong.

Speaker 2 Hey, Teddy, good morning. Hey, Micah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So that's exactly what you're supposed to do.
Add information.

Speaker 2 And I go, I got you a birthday gift. Here you go.
Happy birthday. Whoa, a frog.
See, there we go. I've always wanted a frog.
See, that's how you do it.

Speaker 2 And then that would be still fine. Yeah, that would still be fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 that would still be fun because you're. So that's those are the rules.
So, but I'm going to tell you. Improv is fun.

Speaker 2 It's okay. No, no, no.
It actually is fun. I'm not talking shit.

Speaker 2 Improv is cool. I think it's fun when it's done really well.
Same as stand-up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I've seen the best do it. Yeah.
I've seen Jordan Keegan do long for with Ike Berenholtz back in the day. Love Ike.
Love those guys. And I used to just kind of go, all right.

Speaker 2 Long-form improv. It's like an hour and a half show.

Speaker 2 I can't stay for that long. Me either.
But I like little snippets. Yeah, snippets are fine.
Yeah, I'll take little snippets. But this is what happened.
So Gary Austin, I was really into it.

Speaker 2 And Gary Austin had a class in Burbank.

Speaker 2 How many levels did you get by the way he didn't have levels i thought that's don't you pay money for that level he wasn't at the groundlings at the time oh yeah yeah he got kicked out i told you oh i didn't know how far along that was yeah he got kicked out in the 80s oh shit so he's like it's mine and they're like not anymore right that's it seems nice

Speaker 2 so i went to i used to drive to burbank from san diego and to take his classes and i remember meeting mindy cohen you know she was on the facts of life oh yes so she was in the class and i remember hearing that pat merita had just dropped the classes, but he was doing it, doing it too.

Speaker 2 Wow. So I just remember being like, I thought Mindy Cohn was like being in front of Meryl Streep.
Like to me, at the time, at the time, she was very famous.

Speaker 2 But even also at the time, a kid from San Diego who doesn't know anybody. Like, I didn't know anybody.
Right. I didn't know how show business worked.
Right. Right.

Speaker 2 So I remember just looking at all these. I thought everyone was a star.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Just looking around, going, oh my God, is that guy a star?

Speaker 2 He looks like Charles Naston or whatever, you know? Maybe that's Charles Neston. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So one night I went there. This actually happened.
He goes, hey, you hungry, kid?

Speaker 2 And I go. And this is F.
Scott Fitzgerald. No, this is not Epsot.
This is Gary Austin.

Speaker 2 Gary S. goes, are you hungry, kid? And I go, yeah, I mean, I'm going to drive back to San Diego.
I could get a meal. So we went to Jerry's Diner in Studio City.
Love Jerry's. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was there with me, Gary Austin, and I don't remember the third person we were with, but we're eating. And I remember like going, I have no money.
I can't pay for this.

Speaker 2 I hated those days when you were nervous and you're like, I'll just have a fry from someone's plate. Well, that's what I did.
I got that hungry. He goes, you haven't eaten all day.

Speaker 2 You have no money, right?

Speaker 2 And I go, yeah.

Speaker 2 And he goes,

Speaker 2 it's on the house. I got it.
Oh, so much.

Speaker 2 So we were sitting there eating. And they were like 36 cheeseburgers, 97.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. And the restaurant was packed.
Yeah. It was on a Friday night.

Speaker 2 And I had been taking the class for about a month or whatever. And I, and I go, I play the piano as well.

Speaker 2 And he goes, he got mad. What do you mean? Gary Austin.
I'll tell you how I. He goes, what? You fucking play the piano? And I go, yeah.
He goes, how come you didn't tell me?

Speaker 2 Because, you know, we had we had a class where we revealed all our talents.

Speaker 2 We talked about ourselves. Sure.
And I just, because I'm not that great at it. I know how to play chords and stuff.
You know me. I don't know how basic music works, right? But I'm like shy.

Speaker 2 He goes, if you're shy, you're never going to make it.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 He's right, though. Right, right.

Speaker 2 And I go, okay.

Speaker 2 And he goes, I'll tell you what, kid.

Speaker 2 You stand on this booth and you get the attention of the whole restaurant. Oh, shit.
And he goes,

Speaker 2 you get everyone's attention and you tell everyone that you play the piano, right? And I promise you, this sounds so cheesy. 10 years from now, you're going to be on the tonight show.

Speaker 2 And? I said, no. And I started eating.

Speaker 2 But then, you know, he let it go. And we just eat it.
And I don't know what came over me. I just stood up on the fucking booth.
Hey, everybody.

Speaker 2 The whole restaurant shut up. And I go,

Speaker 2 I play the piano. And I kid you not.
This is so cheesy. The whole restaurant clapped.
Shut up. No, I'm not kidding you.
Why? I don't know why. Wow.
But they all clapped.

Speaker 2 I I sat down and Gary Austin looks at me and goes, I'm proud of you, kid.

Speaker 2 And 11 years later,

Speaker 2 so he was wrong. So the moral is he's incorrect.
They got his fucking bad gauge of time. It was 11 years, not 10.
So,

Speaker 2 not a smart man.

Speaker 2 You know, it's a story of that. No, I'll just be, let's back up for a second.
By the way,

Speaker 2 anytime an Asian kid stands up and goes, I play the piano, I would have been like, we know.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
That's really sweet, though, that he'd that. Yeah, he did that.
And then, so that was my first introduction to any kind of like, maybe,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean, this can happen. Maybe you were going to be a full-time comedian? No, but I just thought that this is, you know, I remember taking the class of being excited.

Speaker 2 I remember driving up to L.A. and listening to the song Los Angeles by Frank Black because his album had just come out.
Yeah. And just going,

Speaker 2 just go to like I can't believe I'm, you know, going to L.A. and doing this.
That's so cool, though.

Speaker 2 They have a soundtrack to go get it hyped up about right and and it's funny because it's you know you

Speaker 2 you know when you're a young guy like that 19 20 and you

Speaker 2 you don't know anybody in show business and you never think that that could be a part of your reality yeah and you know in many ways those times i miss i miss don't you miss struggling a little bit it's funny i talk i've talked about it a little a little bit before but i i do miss it

Speaker 2 i miss it i don't miss the way i used to get had panic attacks at three in the morning about how I was going to pay rent. That, that I don't miss at all.
Right.

Speaker 2 But, but there was something I joked the other day. I used to live in a fucking dining room.
I used to live in a dining room. Three dudes, one bathroom.

Speaker 2 They had a bedroom, and I lived in a partitioned-off dining room. And I slept on the floor.

Speaker 2 I had a mattress on the floor, no like bed frame.

Speaker 2 And I had a desk that I got off the street under the freeway.

Speaker 2 Yeah, under the 10 freeway.

Speaker 2 And the thing I missed the most was when I left my shitty, sad fucking apartment and went to go do Mike's,

Speaker 2 I was the same as everybody else. Yeah.
I didn't feel poor and sad because I was out having fun, telling jokes, fucking around. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Until you have those vulnerable moments where you're like, fuck, I can't pay for this cheeseburger. You know, like those moments are bad.
They're terrible.

Speaker 2 But when you were out and you were, nothing mattered. I had no schedule.
You know,

Speaker 2 you're usually young and single and dumb and down to do anything. So there is no time, there's no schedule.
Nothing matters.

Speaker 2 yeah i miss the fuck out of that yeah but don't you miss like when like i remember coming to la and there was this guy named vic dunlap do you remember vic dunlap no but i love that name the guy who made dunlap uh sporting equipment that guy no man vic dunlap vic dunlap died dude all these guys died from your

Speaker 2 comic oh right so vic dunlap dunlap was a big pretty big comic i guess in the 80s i remember watching him on shows and whatever he wasn't the biggest comic was he was he funny did you like him he's a fat guy pretty funny yeah

Speaker 2 And I remember Vic Dunlop, this is when he was going down, and obviously, like, he was not playing the store anymore. His health or his abilities, his abilities, I guess, you know.

Speaker 2 And he used to run this coffee shop in Pasadena. And I remember Vic Dunlop calling me one time,

Speaker 2 hey, kid. This is when I first moved to L.A., I'm doing this coffee shop.
You should come play it, kid. You know?

Speaker 2 And I remember like turning to my roommates, going,

Speaker 2 Do you know who that is?

Speaker 2 And they're like, who?

Speaker 2 Vic Dunlop!

Speaker 2 As if it was like Tom Hardy or some shit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But you get excited about it. That's huge.
Yeah. Or when I remember one time, Byron Allen, right, I was doing an open mic.
Yeah. And he came up to me and he goes, this is a long time ago.

Speaker 2 And he goes, you know about timing, kid. Keep going.

Speaker 2 And I remember like laying in bed, no money, with like 15 dudes in a fucking one-bedroom apartment.

Speaker 2 But just laying there next to all your friends, going to sleep, going, That happened.

Speaker 2 I know it's so dumb. No, it's great.
I know it's dumb to talk about now. Now It's like I see guys, I'm like, fuck you.
Right. That's what you do to everybody.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I can see Adam Sandler, oh, fuck you. You know what I mean? Whatever.
The feeling was cool back then. But back then, it was so magical.
And I, you know, many times I miss that innocence and that.

Speaker 2 I like the struggle.

Speaker 2 What was the first time when you did stand-up? You did stand-up in Chicago or here first? Here. Well, no, no, no.
Phoenix in Arizona when I was in school. Oh, you went to ASU? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Me and your brother bonded so closely. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah.
So you went to ASU. Yeah.
So you did stand up where?

Speaker 2 There was like a local bullshit coffee shop in Glenn, Mesa or Glendale or one of those spots. Oh, right, right.
But I used to go to the Tempe Improv, but I couldn't get up there.

Speaker 2 Of course. Even the open mics was not...

Speaker 2 The open mic was for people that were like comics. Yeah, was Dan Murr there back then? You don't remember? I don't remember.
Was Adam Egot there? We had just missed each other. Oh, really? I know.

Speaker 2 So we talked about that. It was like, we just missed it.
Do you remember the first night you killed?

Speaker 2 I remember one of the first nights.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yes, I remember one of the first nights that I did really, really well. It was at a place called Room 5.
It doesn't exist anymore here on La Brea.

Speaker 2 It's above an old, like, uh, I remember that place. Armenian restaurant.
Yeah, I remember that place, yeah. That was the first place I ever did really well.

Speaker 2 And the guy that used to run it was like a crazy alcoholic. What was his name? Do you know who I'm talking about?

Speaker 2 Rick something, maybe? Yeah. Dude, he like you'd show up and he was so nice.
Good dude. Not a bad dude.
I'm just saying you'd show up. He'd be like, what's up, man? You're like, what's going on, man?

Speaker 2 And he's like, nothing, man. The lineup's over there.

Speaker 2 Within like 10 minutes, you'd turn back around and be like, hey, you fucking

Speaker 2 black the fuck out. And he would black out for no shit, four or five hours.

Speaker 2 He would sit and drink and drink and drink. And then he'd go, Are you drinking? Yeah.
Like, no, no. And he goes, I'm taking your fucking tickets.

Speaker 2 Because you would give those, remember when you used to get drink tickets all the time?

Speaker 2 I'm taking your drink tickets. He would just take my drink tickets, get wasted.
And I'd never get paid. I never, ever, ever.
It was supposed to be five or 10 bucks. I never got paid.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I killed in that room for the first time when I ever like really,

Speaker 2 like, really did it. Yeah.
And then what it was, the one you killed, you got off the street. Let me tell you, because you know who was there.

Speaker 2 This, the guy who used to come around the store doesn't come around anymore. Christian Harloff.
Do you remember him? I love Christian. I love Christian.
Yeah. He had said something.

Speaker 2 Christian was a regular at the store at the time and was. Yeah, I love Christian Harloff.
He was going all the time. He was killing.
Yeah. And he came up to me and he was like,

Speaker 2 in so many words, he was like, yeah, man,

Speaker 2 you're going to be better than this place pretty soon. And I was like, oh.
Thanks, man. And I had just done so well that I was kind of riding on this high.
And he, getting his respect was huge.

Speaker 2 He was a regular at the store. That was a big deal.
Yeah. Back then, people know it was like when a regular was like, yeah, you're pretty funny.

Speaker 2 You were like, also, when Chris DeLee and I saw you perform and we said to you. It didn't matter because I knew I was good already.
I was already better than you guys then.

Speaker 2 When you and Chris were like, oh, this guy's great. It's like, yeah, I'm better than both of you guys.
Do it right into your own microphone.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 That was sad.

Speaker 2 That was sad. Did you get that? Did you see him on that frame?

Speaker 2 Perfect. That was sad.
Scoot over this way a little bit. There you go.

Speaker 2 Why was it sad? Because I went

Speaker 2 to the drummer boy, but it didn't. No, no, but that's what you did.
No, when you and Chris said something nice about me,

Speaker 2 it was very wonderful.

Speaker 2 I want to ask you when you talked about the Groundlings saying, because I totally forgot,

Speaker 2 UCB closed down. Do you know that? Forever? That's what I read online.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 I don't know if that's true. What do you mean? It's fucking.
Everything's closed. It's quarantined, baby.
No.

Speaker 2 Closes. UCB closes.
Upright Citizen Brigade

Speaker 2 Training Center will be closed. Forever.
Yeah, forever. Wow.
New York, not L.A. Not L.A.
New York. Yeah, New York.
Yeah. Sad.
You know, it is sad.

Speaker 2 It's one of those venues for me like Largo where it's a little.

Speaker 2 You'd go there and bomb? Not just bomb. I just, when I went there, I never felt like I was a part of it.

Speaker 2 Well, because we're not. That's an exclusive little group.
I know. I mean, you would get invited to do some sort of improv show or do stand-up in an improv show.
You know, they always had like a hook.

Speaker 2 It couldn't just be stand-up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You got to do stand-up, but then there's an interview where you have to play a character.

Speaker 2 Someone's going to throw something at the audience at you just out of nowhere, and it's an object that we gave them. And so you just have to play with it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It might hit you in the face.
It might not. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But it's one of those places where I go, I always thought to myself, I'm not cool enough.

Speaker 2 Well, they always had kind of, there's always a vibe there. Right.
But this is the only way I explained it.

Speaker 2 Whenever I would feel like shit, because I go there and do a show and do fine or something, and I was like, What the fuck? It's the same jokes I do back at the,

Speaker 2 I always would walk away going, ah, this is how people feel when they come to the store.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I felt the balance was right.
Well, I was like, oh, I deserve to feel like that.

Speaker 2 Because I know people come up to me and they're like, fucking the store makes me feel like shit whenever I go. I'm like, what? Yeah.
I think the store is for people that experience trauma. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A lot of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I know a lot of like wholesome, just nice people with good upbringings who get a really strange vibe from the comedy store where like they feel just as soon as they get there uncomfortable.

Speaker 2 Like gross. Yeah.
And just intimidated. Yeah.
You know. It is, though.
It is very intimidating. Yeah, but it's, it's just, you know, you can't fuck with the history, man.
No.

Speaker 2 You can't fuck with the history and the

Speaker 2 level of talent. Did you, when you, when you bombed for the first time at the store, like, do you remember your first like bad, bad show there? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I can tell you what it is. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And, and,

Speaker 2 come on, baby. I know I'm going to say it, but I have to think about it.
Come on, Papa. I don't want to start a war.
Let the papa tell the story.

Speaker 2 You're not going to start a war. So, this is what happened.
Oh, fuck. Sorry.
So, this is when I was opening up for Mencia a lot. Turn it off.
Okay. Because I want to pay attention.

Speaker 2 All right. Relax.
Your volume thing on the side. I don't know how.
Right there where you're taking it. Turn the whole thing off.
Oh, look at that. That's very, that's responsible.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Rudy's laughing. Rudy likes it.
Rudy loves it. So.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was living in San Diego, but Mitzi had made me a paid regular. At La Jolla or at? No, I got lucky.
So two years in, Paulie called me and goes, did I say you open mic?

Speaker 2 And I'm looking for an MC for my Vegas show.

Speaker 2 And I go, I was working at the door in La Jolla. And I go.

Speaker 2 All right. Yeah.
So he flew me out there and it was in front of, he was huge at the time, 5,000 people. Where was it at invasion? Top of the riv.
Wow.

Speaker 2 So Steve Shrippa was like the guy there. You know Shrippa? Yes.
5,000 people? Yeah. And I remember Shrippa going, it did.

Speaker 2 And he called me Ching because Dice used to call me Ching. What?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Dice used to call me Ching.
C-H-I-N-G?

Speaker 2 C-H-I-N-K.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So he's ego.
What are you saying? Which one are you saying? Ching with the G. Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah. Not Ching.

Speaker 2 Not Ching?

Speaker 2 That's illegal. No, it's not.
It's cancel. You can't you could have said it back then.
We said it all the time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you guys did. Just a shane Gillis got canceled from it.
That's now. Back then, it was fine.

Speaker 2 So Shripper used to call me Ching and then

Speaker 2 he'd go, hey, Ching, you do, if you do six minutes, I'll break your legs. Oh, yeah.
If you do four minutes, I'll break your legs. You do five.
That's it. That's what you got to do.

Speaker 2 And I remember just being,

Speaker 2 I like my legs. You get what I mean? Just like you're literally taking it literally.
Yeah. You know? Yeah.
Oh, he's in the mafia. It's also Vegas.
Maybe it was.

Speaker 2 I mean, well, you'd hear stories that he was connected to the mafia or whatever, right? He was. So I remember it was: I had been doing comedy for two years,

Speaker 2 and I went up. I don't remember what I did.

Speaker 2 And then I brought up Wild Willie Parsons. I don't understand.
Wild Willie Parsons. His picture is still down there.
It's still up there. So Wild Willie Parsons went up, did 30.

Speaker 2 But when I got off stage, backstage, huge place, right? Yeah. I see Mitzi coming up to me.
Oh, shit. And I'm an open micer.
She goes, Hey, Marby.

Speaker 2 And I go, What is that in front of me? That's her. That's what she sounded like.
I know, but you do it like she's like,

Speaker 2 that's what she sounded like. Bobby, Bobby.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I go, yeah, Mitzi.
That's how I used to sound. Scared.
Well, yeah, what's why?

Speaker 2 What's what did I do? Something wrong? And she goes, You're a regular at all my clubs. Oh, wow.
And that's how I got in. Damn.
Hello, that must have felt so fucking good. So lucky.

Speaker 2 So I was living in San Diego in a regular, but Mencia goes, Hey, dude, hey, bro, you come up and do, you know, come to LA, bro.

Speaker 2 So I went up there on a Saturday night, and Mitzi saw me there. And I was hanging out with Carlos in the main room.
green room

Speaker 2 and Carlos goes, hey, Mitzi, put him up.

Speaker 2 right you're a new comic I'm new yeah

Speaker 2 and and Mitzi goes yeah you go up and Joe Rogan says Joe Rogan's there and Joe Rogan goes Mitzi he's from fucking San Diego he's not funny or something like that

Speaker 2 he's not fucking funny right yeah he'll be fine that's what she said yeah I went up there

Speaker 2 Not only did I not hear any laughs, I hear Rogan in the back going, I fucking told you he's not funny. He's not fucking funny, Mitzi.

Speaker 2 He's from La joya yeah right and i remember eating it so bad you can feel it oh my god it was also like one of those sets where i went oh maybe it's i'm not gonna make it yeah oh you know maybe yeah maybe it's just like i was a local yeah in san diego what who am i competing against you know right but maybe in the big leagues i just don't have it in retrospect it's because i just didn't wasn't you weren't ready i wasn't ready that's all you were good you just weren't ready i wasn't even good i i wasn't even good it was just like i just wasn't ready can you give me one of your jokes that bombed up yeah oh yeah yeah i used to do um

Speaker 2 i'm so lonely right

Speaker 2 i'm so lonely when i used to when i masturbate i grab my own ass right and i go and then i turn around i go do me do me and i start squeezing my chin and cheeks

Speaker 2 yeah and then my opening act my opening line was i used to make my hair really messy yeah so it was just out of control control. And I would go, I'm not really Asian.
I just woke up.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And it used to get crushed. In San Diego.
In San Diego. And I did it in the main room.
Nothing. Nothing.

Speaker 2 And it was so funny. Yesterday, the Sklar Brothers, I did something with them.
And the Sklar Brothers was around back then. What did you do with the Sklar Brothers? I couldn't help it.

Speaker 2 I thought we're quarantining. I couldn't.
No, I didn't. I did it through.

Speaker 2 Oh, Zoom? Zoom. Oh, okay but why because

Speaker 2 I know but the thing is I know I like them too

Speaker 2 I know I like them too

Speaker 2 they got mad at me by the way well let me just finish

Speaker 2 oh I hate star wars but they um

Speaker 2 they went through my agent and my manager

Speaker 2 they kept calling me and then I didn't respond so then they went to Abby and Matt and they called me hey what about the scholar brothers and I went well they did they have my number

Speaker 2 So then when they directly called me, I couldn't say no.

Speaker 2 So that's that. But anyway, the Sclar Brothers, let me just finish this and then you go into that.

Speaker 2 So, Sklar Brothers, I remember I was so bad back then that they pulled me aside one night and they go, Hey, you know, you're confident up there, but like, we don't know anything about you.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 because they're like really direct. And I go, What do you mean?

Speaker 2 I mean, you're just doing jokes about, they don't make any sense. You're doing ninjas on Southwest.
Right.

Speaker 2 I used to do a big called ninjas in southwest yeah and he goes it just that'sn't you know you there's nothing that we know what's the promise what's the premise of that bit the ninjas in the southwest because back then in security checkpoints they used to have um a big a weapons like no weapons and then they had tomahawk was one of them tomahawk but they also

Speaker 2 had numchucks yeah right yeah and so i go

Speaker 2 i mean how many ninjas are you know i mean that's their job to sneak right and you'll hear you'll see a smoke bomb and then they're in this um overhead compartment you know i mean and then i used to go you cannot see me

Speaker 2 that's a good joke a good joke i did on tonight show

Speaker 2 but um they go um so then i i remember going them saying that and i remember going i hate the scholar brothers yeah for years for how long for like five years yeah when i had to see the scholar but then when i got what they were saying And when I started doing what they were suggesting,

Speaker 2 I went, they were trying to help. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They were just trying to give you some tips. Well, just just a direction to go.
You know, who said the meanest thing about those guys? And I love them. They're great dudes.
They're nice to me.

Speaker 2 I love them.

Speaker 2 The meanest thing. And they said this on stage.
They said Dave Attel gave them the best and the worst, meanest intro of all time. What was it? They brought up Attell.
Attell was at the store.

Speaker 2 I love him. And

Speaker 2 they did very well. And then they bring up Dave.
Dave gets up there.

Speaker 2 You know, he's like, already, he's like,

Speaker 2 he's like,

Speaker 2 give it up for the Sklar brothers. And people start clapping.
He goes,

Speaker 2 I didn't know Boring came in stereo.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 And they both were like, and I don't know. I hear it was Randy or something.

Speaker 2 Jason was like,

Speaker 2 they were both like honored

Speaker 2 to get shit on by him. Yeah.
But also they were like, maybe he means it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because he's good like that. You knew who makes, used to give me the worst intros? Who? Mark Marin.
Oh, well, yeah. What the fuck? No, it got to the point.

Speaker 2 I could see him doing that on purpose to say it. That you were like, thanks for the the shitty intro.
No, I had to pull him aside and go,

Speaker 2 literally, I'm going to,

Speaker 2 I'll kill you.

Speaker 2 I could kill you if you do that again. Yeah.
And he goes, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 I can't do it.

Speaker 2 What was the word? What was it? This next guy

Speaker 2 gives you high energy because, you know, he wants you to like him. Fuck you.
Right. And he's like kind of a dancing clown.
Fuck you. Right.

Speaker 2 So here comes, you know, Mr. Needy.
Fuck you. Right.
And I remember just pulling him aside and go, you know, you might be right.

Speaker 2 I mean, you might be right. Sure.
I might be needy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I might, I mean, I don't play a guitar or do props. But only your friends get to call you Mr.
Needy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it's just also, it's like there's certain theatrics that I do that maybe through time I'll let go of, but it's just not your job. You know, I give great intros.
You do?

Speaker 2 You give probably the best in the game. It is really funny for a comic to say someone else is needy.
We're all fucking needy bitches. That's why we're on stage doing comedy.

Speaker 2 But then Mark, over the years after that, gave me the best intros. He said one of the nicest things I've ever heard in my life.
We talk very sparingly, as Mark does. Mark's like that.

Speaker 2 And when I was on that I'm Dying of Pure show, the show had said they were going to submit me for

Speaker 2 consideration for an Emmy. Wow.
And I was like, why? I was like, I don't. Because you're a great actor.
No, but I was like, that's a stupid idea. I don't even want to be.

Speaker 2 I was like, I don't even want to be in the idea of that world. Jules, we should watch the show he was on.
No. It was on Showtime.
No, but but let me say, let me just finish.

Speaker 2 And Eric Griffin's on it too. And Al Madrid.

Speaker 2 Jim Carrey produced it. Yeah.
It was on Showtime. It just came out a year ago.

Speaker 2 It got canceled. It doesn't matter.
We should watch it. Anyway,

Speaker 2 but I'll say this. They said

Speaker 2 they were going to put me up for an ME. And honestly, genuinely, when they said that, I did tell my agent, I was like, I don't really want to do that because I know it's a political process.

Speaker 2 I don't want to do interviews and stuff. I don't really like that stuff.
I'm not good at that. Right.
And I'm not good at hiding my poker face.

Speaker 2 Like, I don't have, like, when they're like, how was the show? I'm like, I don't give a fuck. What do you mean? Why do we talk about it? I don't like, yeah.
So they said that.

Speaker 2 And then because Mark is on

Speaker 2 the

Speaker 2 why can't I think of the wrestling show? I'm so stupid. It's called Glow.
Glow. And they're on Showtime as well.
Or they're on Netflix. HBO? Netflix.
Yeah, you're not. Whatever it is.

Speaker 2 It was at the same time that people were getting considered. And Mark came up to me out of nowhere.
We always say hi, and that's kind of it. And he goes, hey, you're really good on that show.

Speaker 2 I said, oh, thanks, Mark. And he goes, you know, I voted for you.
I voted for you.

Speaker 2 Really? I swear to God, in my life. Yeah.
I was like, seriously? And he goes, yeah, yeah. Later, man.
And he left. And I remember I called my wife and I go, that's the nicest thing.

Speaker 2 Mark was like so out of nowhere because he doesn't really do that. I don't know what I'm saying.
I did that. Okay.
A year ago, he came up to me and goes, by the way, then I DM'd him like a week later.

Speaker 2 And I was like, hey, man, I just want to say like that, that was really awesome. Yeah.
You did that. And he left me on scene.

Speaker 2 Which is Mark being like, yeah, fuck you. He said to me last year, he goes, you're working a lot, right? I see you all the time working a lot.
Yeah. I go, yeah, I'm working.
I know it's crazy.

Speaker 2 He goes, you deserve it. That's so nice.
And when Mark does that,

Speaker 2 you just

Speaker 2 touch it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why don't you cry, Bubble? No, I can't. Okay.

Speaker 2 I can't do it. I tried.
You can't? I have no feeling.

Speaker 2 Can you cry on cue, Rude? No. No, she can't even talk this one.
Try right now, though.

Speaker 2 Try to get get emotional. Yeah, yeah.
I can.

Speaker 2 Imagine Bob just kicked you out of the house and he left you back on the street and you have to fend for yourself.

Speaker 2 I want to talk about that real quick, okay? So Ed. Uh-oh.
So Ed from

Speaker 2 90 Day Fiancé was dating. Are you going to put her up for bait? No, they're not seeing each other anymore.
So he's single? He's single.

Speaker 2 So this is the first thing.

Speaker 2 I think Rosemarie said, he only gave me two things. I think he only did the show to get famous.
I love it. it.
I like it even more now. I love him more.
So then I looked at

Speaker 2 Rudy and I went, um,

Speaker 2 for the team. For the team.

Speaker 2 Fuck him for the team. You use her for bait.

Speaker 2 Forget to get him on tiger belly. For mayo headed.
Yeah. You what? Why? You don't find him attractive?

Speaker 2 No. Say it in the mic.
No.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 He doesn't have a neck.

Speaker 2 That's true. He doesn't have a neck.
He does not. Yeah.
He looks like a melting candle. God, it's so.
I mean, look, I just, there's, I, come on. You know what I mean? It's so creepy.

Speaker 2 Everything about that thing is creepy to me. That show or him?

Speaker 2 The show is. I love the show.
It's still creepy, but he's really creepy. The fact that he's like, you know, can I give you a kiss, kiss? Oh, I know.

Speaker 2 Or also, it's like, yeah, when he was giving her the foot massage. Ah, gross.
Any fucking guy that says, I give the best. You don't brag about your own skills.

Speaker 2 Nobody does that nobody brags about a foot massage by the way I give the best foot massage when you say that it's like get the fuck away from my feet but then they zoomed in on her leg and she had legs like like hairy hairy legs that's cultural she has hairy legs yeah but i shave she went out of but when you lived in the philippines did you just grow it wild yeah and when you got here it was like

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 is that is that super normal that no women shave their legs what about armpits yeah we don't but don't you doesn't it bother you to have hairy legs or no? It doesn't matter. Not really.

Speaker 2 Get closer to the mic, Jules. Not really.
No? But armpits kind of bother you, though, right? Yeah, hairy armpits? Kinda, but when I lived in the Philippines, it didn't matter. It doesn't matter, huh?

Speaker 2 Culture.

Speaker 2 Do any women there shave legs and armpits or no?

Speaker 2 Some do, but... It's rare, huh? Yeah, it's rare.
But I guess they don't feel... They don't get like...

Speaker 2 Well, you don't get. But I would imagine you don't get that much.
You don't get thick hair. Right? Yeah, no, I imagine like your legs don't get like...
Like Asian hair tends to be very thin like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Like you're like you're leg-haired.
You don't have thick leg hair. Pookie monkeys.
There it is.

Speaker 2 It is funny that the women don't shave their legs, but so many of the men there do. Isn't that funny? The men shave their legs, right? There's men there that love shaving their legs.

Speaker 2 Dude, can you believe this? Look at this. Somebody sent this to me today.
Harvey Weinstein says he's free of coronavirus symptoms.

Speaker 2 This fat piece of shit who walks around debilitated with a fucking walker said he beat the virus.

Speaker 2 That doesn't make you mad. Doesn't that blow your fucking.
That's how you know that they've got a cure. That's how you know.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 How the fuck does this, how the fuck does this fat blob slob piece of shit? This guy. Hey,

Speaker 2 but you know that that's an act, right?

Speaker 2 Even if that still looks like he should beat. I understand that, but the thing is, he.
No, this whole feel bad for me thing. Yeah, I'm in a walker.
It's an act. Yeah, that's a complete act.

Speaker 2 He's not as frail.

Speaker 2 And who is this character behind him from guess who? Who's this guy from.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is that?

Speaker 2 yeah no i know this is an act i know this is an act there's a okay i know dudes like that so the the guy that owns mad tv what do you mean the guy that started the no he's like he's a big kind of old hollywood mogul his name is david salzman do you know him david salzman yeah it sounds familiar yeah so he's a he he used to produce back in the day dallas oh yeah judge judy he also was partners with quincy jones for many many years right the greatest producer producer in the history of music right so david salzman i he still hangs hangs out with the Laugh Factory.

Speaker 2 He's like this old. How old is he? He's older than him.
Well, he's only 68.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but David Salzman's got to be in the 70s, right? Right. But Salzy, if you fucking touch his legs,

Speaker 2 I always grab his like groin and his like thighs and stuff. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And it's literally like

Speaker 2 made out of cement. He's hard as a rock.

Speaker 2 He's so strong. Solid.
Right? So I think that like old Hollywood moguls like Salzman, I think Weinstein's in that way. Really?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that they look frail, but they're super, like, they do shit at night that we're not aware of. Right.
They fucking do matzo ball fucking, you know what I mean? Matzah ball?

Speaker 2 Whatever the dude dudes.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? They lift matzah balls for weeks. Yeah, or whatever.
I don't know. Welcome to the Jewish gym.

Speaker 2 But I know what you mean. You think he's, this is an act, but still, though, dude, the fact that he beat it.

Speaker 2 The fact that he beat it and guys like like this, like look at this kid, Washington State, this football player, 22 years old in great shape, and he dies that's how you know something's going on

Speaker 2 no i i i think there's a cure for it dude if you're rich enough they got it

Speaker 2 if you're rich enough they got it you think though how do you think magic beat aids before everybody else

Speaker 2 you think he didn't beat it yeah he did it's undetectable hiv is undetectable in his blood

Speaker 2 no it's it's undetectable in his blood they literally can't detect it and now Now, they have two people that they've completely quote-unquote cured undetectable, but it took them 20 years.

Speaker 2 It's like these serial killers that find Jesus, and you know, they find Jesus in jail. Yeah, and they go, Yeah, I'm saved.
Yeah, no matter what, I don't give a fine. I believe that, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but deep down inside, they're not saved. Yeah, there's something going on.
Do you think if you do you think if you got really sick, you'd find Jesus?

Speaker 2 I can't do it. No, no,

Speaker 2 I can't, I can't, but I just, because of the crusades and just because of just their ideology and their you didn't have any religion growing up anyway, not really, no. But it so I know, I know.

Speaker 2 I know, I know. I know, I know, I know.
I know the church. Let me ask this, though.
You know how, like, whites always have white Jesus in Catholic churches?

Speaker 2 Black people have black Jesus sometimes in their church. Do Asians have Asian Jesus? Buddha.
No, but I'm saying, is there ever Jesus that's Asianed out? No, like if you walk into a church and you...

Speaker 2 The number one religion in Korea is Christianity. I don't know if you know this.
Yes, I do. It is.
And if you look at their Jesus, right, it's not like.

Speaker 2 So funny, though. Can you hear me?

Speaker 2 It's the white one. Up on the cross

Speaker 2 behind the pulpit. But they use the white one.
Yeah. That's my point.
In black churches, they will use a black Jesus. No, they use the white one.
Yeah. Why? Because I think.
It's the safe one.

Speaker 2 No, I think Asians secretly, you know, they admire whites.

Speaker 2 Not all of them. I think they're, they, I think they're on the same kind of, you know, there's some oppressing going on.
Right. Right.
And

Speaker 2 capitalism, you know, is their number one thing, really. In Asia? In Korea, yeah.
In China.

Speaker 2 Obviously, capitalism runs rules. Yeah.
So, what they have, they have like a, they're okay with white Jesus.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like I know so many Korean chicks that are married to white dudes, but if they were married to a Vietnamese dude or any other person, mom and dad would lose it.

Speaker 2 They would disown them. Wow.
My cousin, God, I want to say this out loud. Say it.
Betty. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Married a Vietnamese woman. She's really nice.
I love her. What's her name?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It doesn't matter. He married a Vietnamese girl.

Speaker 2 Tran. Tran, Tran.
Tran.

Speaker 2 And my uncle and aunt, who I love, Jagannath and Jaganoma. Jagannath.
And Jaganoma, they didn't go to the wedding. No.
Yeah. Because she was Vietnamese.
Damn, really?

Speaker 2 We may have to cut that part out. Nah, leave it.
It's pretty personal. But it's real.
It is pretty real, yeah. They didn't go to the wedding.
That's kind of harsh.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I remember just growing up getting in fights with my parents about all that stuff.

Speaker 2 Like, did your parents ever tell you if you marry, if you marry a nigga? If you, if you, there it is. Hey, if you're gay, if you're gay, I'll rip your dick off.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And like, you're eating Thanksgiving dinner.

Speaker 2 I didn't say anything about being gay. Yeah.
He would just make these statements. If your girlfriend is a black, I kill everybody.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And then you hear stuff like that. But then as you get older, you go, what, that? That's crazy.
Yeah. What the fuck are you talking about? But we're all the same.
But for them.

Speaker 2 But then they would change. So when, like, when Obama ran for president the first time,

Speaker 2 we're going to vote for

Speaker 2 who was the guy that he was running against? Not McCain. Was it McCain? Yeah, John McCain, right? McCain.
Because we live here in Arizona. And I'm like, no, you're voting for Obama.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I mean, they were like. They just would.
They would just do what I would say. Because they realize at some point your parents kind of realize that you might know more than them.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Also, they know that I will be, like, you know, it's like, you know. You'll be alive when they're gone.
It's not even that. It's like, I really believe this.
It's, I know a lot of white kids, right?

Speaker 2 They go. Right here.
I know, but not, you're not this kind. Okay.
White kids say, yeah, my parents are huge MAGA, MAGA, MAGA. You know what I mean? And I'm like, oh, but you're not.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, it's crazy. It's like that point of view is crazy.
I go, but how do you, you know, it's your job to change them. Yeah, but a lot of, but.
Well, like your parents, what are they?

Speaker 2 That's hard. I think they're probably, they're traditionally conservative people, but they're not MAGA, MAGA people.
But they voted for him? No. Okay.
I mean, I don't know. You've never asked?

Speaker 2 Not really. But I just, we make fun of them so much that I just figured we're on the same page.
Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Like that, like my Twitter with my, or my, my, my text with my parents and my sister. Yeah.
It's us just sending Trump clips. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But they're traditionally conservative people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so are my parents, but it's like, you know,

Speaker 2 I just try to sway their, you know, like my mom, I told my mom liked, because I like, because I liked Pete Budiged, she liked him too. Yeah.
I gay veteran. I thought that was a good liberal.

Speaker 2 If you're going to have a liberal candidate, I was like, get a gay fucking veteran in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A guy who sucks cock and shoots guns. Yeah, that's the one.
Get him in there.

Speaker 2 I thought he was. I think he was too young.
People don't like young guys. For some reason, this country is obsessed with old president.
What is our, why do we like old guys to be a president?

Speaker 2 Why can't it just be someone young? Because I think that it's, because... You're like, he's big.

Speaker 2 Because George Washington wore that white wig. Yeah.
And he looked like he's a 90-year-old angel. It's because he was bald.
I know. My point, though, is that

Speaker 2 they always had like, you know, older dudes through generations. Because it feels like we know more than you.
Yeah, but they don't. No, no shit.
Yeah. No shit.
Because look at Canadian's guy.

Speaker 2 Who's Canadian? Oh, Trudeau. Yeah.
He's a young guy. Yeah.
Young guy. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You can tell he's just power fucks. He power fucks.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like,

Speaker 2 right? Like when he's hard. You know what I mean? Whereas Trump looks like he does sloppy fucking.

Speaker 2 Like you hear this noise.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And then, I'm done. Yeah.
Right? He goes, I'm going to, wait, wait, do you feel this all out?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then he's done. I'm done.
And it's like in her belly button. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Melania's belly button, and she's like, that wasn't going to be fun. This feels good to me, and I am liking this.
Yeah. That poor fucking robot slave.

Speaker 2 Look at this. I'm going to bring up this article.
I wanted you to see this.

Speaker 2 This is really sad. I got a couple of news pieces I want to share with you.
New York man and girlfriend quarantined in Mexico are shot and killed.

Speaker 2 This is why we're at the fucking bottom of journalism right now, by the way. You want to know why we're at the butt bottom of journalism? Okay.

Speaker 2 This Minnie Vonnie Burke out of NBC News, look what she did. New York man, a girlfriend quarantine in Mexico, shot and killed.
Okay, this is really sad.

Speaker 2 He goes down to Mexico to quarantine with this woman he loves, right? Police say 20 gunshots fired at the vehicle. Nobody's been arrested.
All right.

Speaker 2 He met Baca, physical education teacher in Juarez during a trip to Texas. He goes down there to quarantine.
He was a good dude, his friend said. This one really fucked me up.

Speaker 2 Another friend, Adam Howe, said Landers had been in Mexico for about three weeks, and the last time the two spoke was a few days before his death.

Speaker 2 Howe said Landers told him he was trying to learn Spanish and joked about gaining weight from eating too many churros.

Speaker 2 Why the fuck is that in an article about a guy who got shot 20 times? Why the fuck is there a joke trying to learn Spanish? He was eating too many churros. Anyway, he's fucking dead.

Speaker 2 Why is that the joke they put in there? It might not be a joke. What if that's real?

Speaker 2 Why would that be the thing? Okay. That's information I want to know.
Ready? I'm NBC News. Yeah, yeah.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 And who am I playing? You. Blah, blah, blah.
Oh, hello. Hi, is this Bobby Lee? Yeah.
Hey, Bob,

Speaker 2 we have some terrible news to tell you. A friend of yours, a guy who you do a podcast with, Andrew Santino, was brutally gunned down and murdered.
Ooh, what? Yeah, in Mexico in Juarez. He was killed.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yes, yeah.
Can we get a quote from you, please?

Speaker 2 What can you say about him?

Speaker 2 What I like about him, he doesn't look good at shorts. Mm-hmm.
Okay. Yeah, but he's got shorts.

Speaker 2 Orangey, thick, orangey, jungly eyebrows. Well, he used to because they shot his head clean off his body.
About 150 bullets. Oh my God.
Yeah. And then he,

Speaker 2 his skin's so pinkish. Okay.
Thank you, Bob. Yeah, that's what I would say.
That would be the quote. His skin's so pinkish.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. And he liked to drink beer.
I don't like beer.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I would just make it up.
Oh, so that's what this guy did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He would just make it up. I would just make it up.
He's like, brothers, get away from eating Charles.

Speaker 2 And they're like, no, he's dead. He's like, haha.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I would say, um,

Speaker 2 that's what you would say. You probably deserved it.
That's what you would say. Yeah, let me ask you that.
I'll be the reporter. Okay.

Speaker 2 Be real, though. Okay.

Speaker 2 You know what? You're right. You're right.
You know what? You're right. You're right.
No, I'm going to be real.

Speaker 2 I want to do a real one too now. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'll do, okay. I'll call you, but then I want to do a real one too.

Speaker 2 Let's be as real as we can. Okay, call me.

Speaker 2 But if you're not real, I'll know. Okay.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 2 It's an unknown number.

Speaker 2 Block.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 I'll call it again.

Speaker 2 Oh, I went right to voice fail.

Speaker 2 Look at here. Hello?

Speaker 2 Hello? Who's this? Hey.

Speaker 2 No, we don't want any. No, I'm a reporter for the

Speaker 2 Philadelphia Inquirer. Oh my god, I okay.
What? Why? So anyway, we just got some startling news, and we just wanted to get a quote from

Speaker 2 a guy that you are

Speaker 2 associated with.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, I'm a what? What is he to me? He's somebody that you do, you work with. Oh, my God.
Who?

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee, Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Anyway,

Speaker 2 they just found

Speaker 2 parts of his body just he he's dead. He they chopped him up and they put him in a dumpster.
Jesus. And one dumpster was in front of a baby behind a PF Chang.
The other one was behind a Pad Express.

Speaker 2 We have no idea what the connection is, but why are you laughing, sir? I'm not. Yeah, and they found his foot in

Speaker 2 Alejandro's desk. Whoa.
Yeah. Wow.
That's terrible. Yeah.
So, how do you feel? Do you have any quotes? Or?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got a couple of quotes.

Speaker 2 I mean, just off the top of my head, I guess

Speaker 2 a fork in the road emerged, and I took the one less traveled.

Speaker 2 No, I really do. I loved Bobby very much.

Speaker 2 It doesn't sound you're emotional. No, no, no.
I mean it. I mean it.
I mean it. I did love him very much.
He was great.

Speaker 2 He was a wonderful dude, a very, very good comic, and I'm going to miss him very much. And I think it's sad.
I think it's sad that he's gone now and can never really tell his truth.

Speaker 2 But, you know,

Speaker 2 what's that? What's that? What's his truth? Is that what you said?

Speaker 2 Because let me say something. He was into bestiality.

Speaker 2 He had sex with all of his animals.

Speaker 2 Put that in the paper.

Speaker 2 That's how they reverse sneeze. They begin reverse sneezing when you put your pipe in their butt.
That's how they reverse sneeze.

Speaker 2 I would be so sad if you were gone. Yeah, but that's not real, man.
Yeah, I'd be so sad if you were gone. Yeah.
I don't want you to be able to get it.

Speaker 2 I would literally just be like,

Speaker 2 what?

Speaker 2 What? What happened? But you'd be still be playing. Yeah, I'd be playing

Speaker 2 a video. Witcher 3.
You're trying to upgrade my armor. By the way, somebody told us that Witcher was on your phone or Stardew was on your phone.
You said, no, it's not. Yeah, it is.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it's not the kind of.

Speaker 2 Don't get mad at that.

Speaker 2 The version on your phone can't be as complex as the actual console one, okay? Okay. Tell me about this.

Speaker 2 Hold on. Police show photos.

Speaker 2 Crystal Meth in hotel room where Andrew Gilliam was found. Andrew Gilliam is the

Speaker 2 guy who was running for former Democratic candidate for Florida governor. This guy, this party boy, dude, check this out.
This is my favorite shit. Crystal Meth was found in there.

Speaker 2 Look at this shit.

Speaker 2 Dyson said he was a porn star performer at solicited business as a gay male escort party. But look at how many drugs.
Look at how fun this is. Here's what was in there.

Speaker 2 Cyto Lapram, Gablophantin, Xanax, a vial containing a mixture of pepperavine, fentylamine, aloprocidil, and a combo used to treat erectile dysfunction. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 This dude, Paul, do you know what any of those are except for Xanax? I know what Xanax is. I know what.

Speaker 2 No, I don't know any of them. Fentylamine.
Fentilamine. Adaprazidil.
Alloprazidil. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, this is a combination used to treat, but all these they put together to treat limp dick. Yeah.
That probably, well, what it's not because he has mental disorder, it's that meth affects your.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're able to fuck like a champ. You can fuck, but it's difficult to get hard when you're on meth.
So these things combine, get you hard?

Speaker 2 It's like when people do, like, you know, people drink and they get sleepy. Yeah, this is.
Because they combined it with cocaine or they put, you know, they drink vodka,

Speaker 2 Red Bull. Vodka, Red Bull.
Yeah, something like that to even out. I know, but that sounds like a lot of cocktail of drugs to like

Speaker 2 even out one.

Speaker 2 Did he die? No, dude, he's alive. Oh, he is.
This guy's alive. Why is it news? They busted him with, because they released all these photos of meth.

Speaker 2 They were like, what happened to this guy who's running for governor? He got busted in a hotel room. He said he was at a wedding.

Speaker 2 That's my favorite thing is when they were like, oh, no, I was just at a a wedding having some fun. I ended up in a hotel room.
None of that stuff is mine. Look at all these fucking pills.

Speaker 2 Dude, my neighbor used to throw pill parties in West Hollywood. He had a thrill pill party.

Speaker 2 But he not like this, dude. You didn't like it like this.

Speaker 2 Ask Joey Diaz. No, no, what I'm telling you is he would have

Speaker 2 gay methed out fucking pill parties.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 He would know shit

Speaker 2 all hours of the night. He would have guys coming and going and coming and going by the dozens.

Speaker 2 I mean, dude would be coming and going, and they would be fucking and partying till 5, 6, 7, 8 in the morning. I love that.

Speaker 2 And the only reason I know is because I would come home late from the store and I'd see them. And he kind of had a few moments with me like, hey, you're cool, right? Like, you're not a snitch.

Speaker 2 And I was like, yeah, I'm not a snitch. I just don't want,

Speaker 2 I don't want people coming at five in the morning. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Like 2 a.m. is fine.

Speaker 2 Look, let me say this. This is my PSA.

Speaker 2 If you live in a gay neighborhood and you want meth fuck parties, that's chill. But on weeknights, can you keep it to like 3 a.m.
for it? I know. No, 6 6 a.m.
I can hear you guys fucking banging.

Speaker 2 Well, I was snorting and slapping.

Speaker 2 And I, because I was the only straight guy in my complex.

Speaker 2 And you know what? My old Italian, my old Italian landlord, the funniest thing on earth, when I go to look at the apartment,

Speaker 2 she's Nuncia. That was her name.
She goes,

Speaker 2 you're a Santino. I said, yeah, I'm Santino.
She goes, you're not Italiano.

Speaker 2 I said, no, no, no, I am. My father is.

Speaker 2 My mother's Irish. She goes, oh, only half.
And I said, yes, only half. And she goes, okay.

Speaker 2 Well, here is the apartment and I go oh this is really nice and I look around and I like it and I go this is pretty great I would love to take this apartment and she go and she goes I'm not gay and she goes are you

Speaker 2 are you a gay yeah

Speaker 2 and I was like no I'm not I'm not gay and she goes really

Speaker 2 yeah yeah that's good you yeah but you seem gay to your people probably yeah and then I said no I'm not gay and she goes yeah everyone here is a gay it's in middle of West Hollywood yeah I go, yeah, no, I like the neighborhoods close to comedy clubs.

Speaker 2 That's where I work. So I want to stay close to comedy clubs.
And she goes, okay, good. Well, this is good for you.
This apartment is good for you. It's good for me.
You seem nice.

Speaker 2 And I was like, God, I can't believe somebody would give this apartment up. Not making this up.
This is a fact. I have proof of this.
She goes, the man who lived here before, he died.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I go, oh, really? Oh, my God.
That's terrible. Was he an older man? She goes, no, he was young.
He had AIDS.

Speaker 2 She said it like,

Speaker 2 matter of fact. No big deal.
Yeah, yeah. He was young.
He had the AIDS. So the laundry key is over there.
I mean, it was no big deal to her.

Speaker 2 And so she, because you have to disclose to you if somebody dies in the apartment, you know this? Yeah, I know that. Yeah.
He died in the apartment of AIDS.

Speaker 2 I had an AIDS ghost. Yeah.
I had an AIDS ghost.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my, you know, La Jolla? Yeah. You know, the condo? Oh, do you ever stay in that condo? All the time.
I mean.

Speaker 2 Back then. Back in the day.

Speaker 2 Yeah, when we were struggling. And there's a, there is a, etched into one of the cabinets is Bobby Lee as a homo.
Somebody wrote that in there. Probably.
Is that really? Yeah, that's etched in there.

Speaker 2 In one of the drawers or whatever. It may be.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Not.

Speaker 2 But in the late 90s, I used to MC there, and Mitzi paired me up with Stephen Moore. I don't know who that is.
You don't know him. He has HIV.

Speaker 2 And another gay guy named Brian Bradley. You don't know him.

Speaker 2 And Brian Bradley used to do an improv shoot with Robin Williams. Wow.
So they all come from the zoo in San Francisco. So anyway, Brian Bradley and we're in the condo late at night.

Speaker 2 And they go, you want to hear a story about this condo?

Speaker 2 And I go, yeah,

Speaker 2 I like history. And like,

Speaker 2 in 82,

Speaker 2 right, Steven, you were there. Steve goes, yeah, I was there.

Speaker 2 We had about 150 men here.

Speaker 2 And we did a 150-man... Train

Speaker 2 in sync, like through the rooms. They were just like it, like, like, like, what's that movie where they, where you? The human centipede, a very long centipede.
Wow. Right.
Yeah, very long. Right.

Speaker 2 What is a centipede?

Speaker 2 A mamillipede? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And he goes, yeah, and we would just like, we would say out loud, pump. And they would all pump together, right? Pump.
No. And they would all pump together, right?

Speaker 2 It was just like a wave of dicks going in a bunch of people. I was so drunk that it was just, we just came all over everything,

Speaker 2 all over the sheets and the, right?

Speaker 2 And I remember the next night I didn't stay there I would have slept on the fucking beach yeah yeah it was like I couldn't touch anything that place that well that place used to be the dirty

Speaker 2 oh you're there when it was blue with carpet it's cum

Speaker 2 it's 20 year old cum oh yeah it was wow yeah I mean what fun oh my god if I was gay yeah and I was there oh my god I would have been I would have been in the middle No, yeah, I would have been in the middle of the train.

Speaker 2 See, I think you're closer to the back.

Speaker 2 What does that matter? Unless

Speaker 2 they need someone who's low to the ground, who's got good center of gravity to push the train forward. The caboose is always the strongest.

Speaker 2 And you got a little bit of a bad.

Speaker 2 I don't know if I was, I don't, I might not like the anal part of it. Well, what would be the one? I want to be the one.
You want? So I'll be the caboose at the very end. So I have no one in the back.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. You give.

Speaker 2 I'll be the one yelling out, dude. Everybody, three, two, one, pump, pump, right? Three, two, one, pop.
And we would all pump together, right? And they, Bobby, you want to get in the middle?

Speaker 2 I go, no, no, no, no, no, I'm the caboose. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Andre Andrew's in the front. Yeah.
No, I'm in the dead middle. I want it, both.

Speaker 2 Huh? Oh, that'll blow it open.

Speaker 2 That's, you would, yeah, you would only give, you wouldn't receive. The human centipede.
What a. What?

Speaker 2 How great? What do you mean? How awesome. Did you see the human centipede? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 What it is, is these.

Speaker 2 If you haven't seen it, you should see it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 By the way, all the criticism that we get from the show that's saying Rudy's too young to hear any of this stuff, Tito Bobby is the one that elicits all this information to her. And she's also

Speaker 2 18 years old. Yeah.
And it's still quite young. It's still quite young.
She's right in the cusp of being far too young. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 You know the term barely leaving. She's ready.
Yeah. She's ready.
She's ready. Sure.
Yeah. Go ahead.
It's a movie called

Speaker 2 Synthetic. It's a real, real movie.
And he's these, I forget the gist, but it's these two girls that are out in Europe partying. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they get captured by some German surgeon. It's always Nazis.
Yeah, some crazy German surgeon. And basically what they do is he does is he surgically puts

Speaker 2 one of the women's mouth

Speaker 2 tied to a Japanese man's asshole.

Speaker 2 Right? So she's like, like just surgically his asshole. Sewed.
Like sewed.

Speaker 2 And then her friend is in the back of her surgically, right?

Speaker 2 And they walk around like a human centipede. Isn't that just the gist of it? That's it.
Yeah. You like that? You like that? Rude? Is that cool? No.
No. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then the Japanese guy is the smartest one. Of course.
I remember he went, oh, fuck at this.

Speaker 2 I cannot live like this anymore. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I have a human being at the centipede.

Speaker 2 And he took some glass and he killed himself. Yeah, he knew better.
I would kill myself too. Hey, speaking of gay stuff, can I show you something? Yeah.
You know, Theo, you know, Theo Vaughn.

Speaker 2 We know Theo Vaughn. You know Theo Vaughn? Hey, man.
You know Theo Vaughn. I love Theo.
Yeah. Hey, man.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 Theo, Theo has a producer, Gianni. Do you know Gianni? Paolo? I love him.

Speaker 2 He's done my podcast. Sexy dude, right? Love him.
Good actor. So he was joking around with me, and we were supposed to do something for him today, but we didn't do it.

Speaker 2 But he was joking around with me and was like,

Speaker 2 you know, I'm gay, stuff like that. And I was like, okay,

Speaker 2 Gianni's gay.

Speaker 2 I don't. Well, look, he sent me this, and you tell me.
Okay. Tell me if this is gay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is a real dildo, Santino.

Speaker 2 I'm gayer.

Speaker 2 It's

Speaker 2 out of nowhere. It wasn't a competition or anything.
He just sent it to me. Why would he do that? I don't know.
I think he's on meth. Yeah, he's he's real.
He maybe got.

Speaker 2 He's always been kind of, you know, kind of. Out of nowhere, he sent this to me.
Wasn't that weird, though? That's very strange to send this like. Well, that dildo looks right.
It looks like a banana.

Speaker 2 It's real, though. He said it's real.
Because the way it bends. Look at how it bends when it hits his his butt.
Yeah, yeah. Watch here.

Speaker 2 Oh, you know what? You don't like this song? I'm Gayer. You know what I'm saying? Oof, what is he doing? He did the work.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? He started going up and down. He bounces.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So he knows what he's doing. I like it when the girls do that.
If I do the work, I don't like it. When you push up? Yeah.
Yeah. He does the work.
Do you? Is that a big problem? Do you.

Speaker 2 There you are. When you push up? You don't like pushing up?

Speaker 2 When Kalala's on top of me,

Speaker 2 what I do is I go, I'll whisper in her ear

Speaker 2 in a minute,

Speaker 2 you do it. You do it.
And she goes, You want me to do it?

Speaker 2 You do it.

Speaker 2 And she just like,

Speaker 2 she, you know, her ass, she'll go,

Speaker 2 and I'll just be like, I'd just be like, oh, Jesus. Rudy, put close your ears.
Here we go.

Speaker 2 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 Here we are.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that time.

Speaker 2 I don't give a fuck. It's quarantine and it's like.

Speaker 2 Are you guys going nuts because of it? Hey, tell me this, though. You talked about your dreams at the beginning.
I'm interested, for real. Do you have, have you been having like violent dreams?

Speaker 2 I've had really weird, weird dreams, but not negative. They're not violent.
They're just, you know, it's like, they just don't make any really sense. Give me.

Speaker 2 Today, last night I had a dream where we received vampire eggs. Oh, yeah, I sent those to you?

Speaker 2 No. And then I remember going, what are these? And then Kalila going in the dream, they're vampire eggs.
Yeah. And I go, is it the chicken that's the vampire or human? I don't get it.

Speaker 2 The human beings. And then we cut to, we live in a stone house.
This is not funny because I'm just telling you exactly. I want to hear it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So we live in a stone house, which is not what our house looks like. And I remember being in this gigantic kind of garden-y backyard.
Yeah. And I'm somehow behind a bush, smoking.
And Kalila is.

Speaker 2 She was squatting? Yeah. Squatting.

Speaker 2 And Kalila's talking to some scientist or biologist about vampire eggs. Oh, wow.
And then he starts going into a story about some Puerto Rican girl who lost her, all her money or something.

Speaker 2 And then I remember thinking to myself, we have this wooden vacuum cleaner that I found.

Speaker 2 Right? It's like an ancient wooden vacuum cleaner that we found.

Speaker 2 And then I remember thinking to myself, should we give it to the Puerto Rican girl for her to sell so that she can make the money? Yeah. So it all shifted to the wooden vacuum cleaner.

Speaker 2 Well, that is the focus, yeah. Right.
And then all of a sudden, that was it. That was the dream.
What do you think that means?

Speaker 2 I don't know, but when I woke up, you know, when you have a dream like that, you wake up and you go,

Speaker 2 did that make any sense? Yeah, but that, but I like it. Yeah, but it's like just abstract and weird.
Wooden vacuum cleaner must mean something.

Speaker 2 It wasn't, yeah, it was a vacuum cleaner, but it was like in a wooden kind of bamboo thing, and you would lift it up. It was solid wood, but it was ancient.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like back in the day that's what they used. Is it what they used? I don't know.
Yeah, I don't know. But that was it.
And then the vampire eggs went away. They disappeared?

Speaker 2 It just wasn't in a part of the dream anymore. It was like almost as like part two of a movie, and then the second one didn't make any sense.

Speaker 2 I had one of those where I kept entering different rooms the other day. You know, when you like walk in, I walked into a room.
In my head, it was in my house, but it looked nothing like my house.

Speaker 2 It looked like an old,

Speaker 2 you know, like a.

Speaker 2 Do you remember the first season of Westworld? Oh, I loved that remember the house that that she lives in that she you know what i'm talking about yeah yeah yeah um

Speaker 2 it it was like that like out in the middle of nowhere but i i remember thinking i had to get in i had to get in one of the rooms to find my dog i was like that's where my dog is yeah yeah and when i walked into the room in the house no dog no room i'm not i'm not there at all I'm like outside of a storefront and it's raining and there's like a, and I'm underneath the awning and I'm looking out suspiciously because I think something's chasing me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. But like, I wish I could wake myself up and be like, where's the

Speaker 2 dog is still gone.

Speaker 2 What's the fuck? I wanted to see the dog. How did you get to the fourth storefront? I have no idea, but it was rain.
It was pouring down rain.

Speaker 2 And I think that it was from, and I said this when I woke up. I said, you know what the storefront felt like? The night I hit a guy with my car.
Maybe it was my brain reaccessing that.

Speaker 2 I hit a guy with my car when it's pouring rain in L.A. I'm not one of those that believe that dreams.
Tie into reality? Yeah,

Speaker 2 there's a sort of subconscious thing. What do you mean? That's literally what it is.
It's your brain firing synapses, going back and forth and gathering pieces of it. Or it could be my brain.

Speaker 2 There's like a little David Lynch in my brain. There is a little David Lynch Lynch.
I want to direct a movie. You're a David Lynch in your own brain.
Yeah, well, whatever, right?

Speaker 2 But I'm saying it takes pieces of reality to. Yeah, there's, okay, number one, I've never, I don't know what a vampire egg is.
Yes, you do.

Speaker 2 That's never been a thing. A vampire egg is absolutely a thing.
Vampires lay eggs. How do you think you get more vampires?

Speaker 2 Rudy, please. Rudy.

Speaker 2 Rudy, please. Rudy, please.
Rudy. Yeah, but you're taking pieces of things from your life.
Yeah, but that doesn't make it. So I don't know anything about that.

Speaker 2 Do you play any video games with vampires in them? Oh, you know what's so funny? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 In Stardew Valley, there is an egg.

Speaker 2 They're called void eggs. Void eggs.
And that's what the eggs look like. Like vampire eggs.
Yes. They were black.
They're black eggs with like red, like, it's kind of glowing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So maybe that's where I got that from. That's right.
They come from somewhere. Right.
But then the wooden vacuum cleaner, I don't know. Well, I think you wish you were.

Speaker 2 Okay, I would say it's because you wish you were cleaner. You wish you could clean better.
I don't know, man. It's stretched.
And you're Asian, so it's bamboo, wooden.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I think that's got to be, that's got to be something there. Yeah.
Dreams are a reflection of some part of our reality. Rudy, do you have crazy dreams? Yeah.
You do? Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's not going to explain any of them. It's going to be a one-word.
It's fine.

Speaker 2 Explain a dream that you had. Give us a dream.
It's mostly violent. Get closer to the fucking thing.
It's mostly violent dreams. Violent? Yeah, like what? Like me.
Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 2 Don't back away. Like me killing.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Really? Really? Yeah.
Take the mic from the thing so you can hold it. That way it doesn't have to be in that stand.
You can take it out. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Rip it. She doesn't know how to do it.
Just pull it out. Just get closer to the mic, alright? Okay.

Speaker 2 So wait, tell me. Don't get closer to the mic.
Don't go away. You killed somebody? Tell us.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't sway your mic. Just keep your mouth right where the mic is.
She's like swaying her fucking thing because she doesn't want to talk. Here, pull up on it.
Just pull up. It'll come out.

Speaker 2 Just pull up on the mic. It'll come right out of that sand.
There you go. Yeah.
There you go. Tell us.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I just'm in a place and then I see a lot of people.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I just see a knife and then I just start stabbing.

Speaker 2 You just stab random people? Yeah. Why?

Speaker 2 Why are you doing that? I don't know. know.

Speaker 2 Do you feel it? Do you feel like remorse or anger as you're doing it? Like, are you mad when you're doing it? You're just doing it. Why am I doing it?

Speaker 2 I don't want to do it. I'm like, um, happy.
You're happy or killing?

Speaker 2 Put the mic back on the thing. Put the mic back on the thing.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 What do you go?

Speaker 2 Why do I kill in my dreams? I want to know what's wrong. Dreams.
Okay, look, dreams of murder may signal real-life aggression. People who dream about murder may be more aggressive during waking hours.

Speaker 2 Controversial news study finds the researchers have found that people who dream of killing others tend to be hostile, introverted, and often don't get along with others when they're awake.

Speaker 2 Well, I have to say this. She is a little introverted in the house.
But are you hostile? Is she hosting? No, she's the kindest girl.

Speaker 2 I know, so we think. No, no, no.
At nights, I have my five-in-the-morning meal, and it's usually a greasy pan with like meat stuck to the pan, right?

Speaker 2 And she wakes up to like this chaos, like a mad scientist ate a meat pie, right? Yeah, gross. And she, every morning, I don't ask her.
she just cleans it. That's really nice.
She does all the dishes.

Speaker 2 She wipes down counters.

Speaker 2 This is what this is. As she's cleaning, she's like, I'm going to kill Bobby one day.

Speaker 2 Tell me another dream so we can try to dissect where it's coming from. Because you're not an angry person.
No. What's another dream that you've had?

Speaker 2 It's not really happy dreams. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 Are they always sad? Yeah, and like someone is

Speaker 2 chasing me. Wow.

Speaker 2 Who's chasing you? Who's chasing you? It's like a tall. It's like a slender man.

Speaker 2 Oh, slender man is chasing you.

Speaker 2 Why am I being chased in my dreams? Let's find out what this one says. If you are dreaming about being chased, it generally means you are avoiding an issue or a person.

Speaker 2 Your subconscious is telling you you need to confront the issue or the person in order to get on with your life. Look at that.
There's a Slenderman right there.

Speaker 2 That's you getting chased by Slenderman. Slender man.
One of the most important factors in a dream is where you're being chased or who is chasing you. Where are they chasing you? I don't know.

Speaker 2 It's just like woods or a road. The woods.
The woods or a road. The woods.

Speaker 2 And then what? And

Speaker 2 where are you going to? Do they ever get you? No, but I'm stuck.

Speaker 2 Like you can't get up. Yeah.
Oh, I hate those. I hate the slow running.
Oh, God. I want to run fast, but you're going so slow.
Have you ever punched in your dream? Oh, yeah, yeah. And you can't punch?

Speaker 2 It feels like you're punching through jello. Does that happen to you? No? No.
So when you stab, can you stab at your own rate? Or is it like slow?

Speaker 2 It's slow. It's slow.
But it's not, it doesn't feel like it's resistance. It feels like you can actually stab them.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. You have like a little demon human in your house.

Speaker 2 You might have to go back to the Philippines. What do you think? How much are flights to the Philippines right now, do you think? I don't think you can get there.
Really?

Speaker 2 It's not even that. It's that.
Do you think she wants to come back? If she wants to come back, she's not going to be able to come back. But do you think we can book her the flight from LAX?

Speaker 2 To the Philippines.

Speaker 2 Look, LAX to the Philippines. Let's see what we've got on the docket.
To Manila, non-stop for $900.

Speaker 2 He lives in Cebu. Doesn't matter.
She can walk.

Speaker 2 There's islands, you fuck. Oh, really? You can't walk to an island? You walk to the end and then you swim to the next island.

Speaker 2 We could put you on Korean Air. One stop.
Yeah. $844.
Should we buy it right now? No, no, no. Oh, no, this is a return.
We don't want her to come back.

Speaker 2 The problem is, Andrew, the problem is, is because of the present that we have,

Speaker 2 her coming back to America, if she wants to come back to go back to school,

Speaker 2 she's not going to be able to do it, especially

Speaker 2 quarantine. I don't like little Filipinos.
We can't come back. I'm not going to hear now.
Because it's 98 degrees outside today. It is, yeah.
Yeah. We can't put the air con on?

Speaker 2 We're going to put the air on in a second. Okay.
Because I think we can hear it. I want to elicit a competition for everybody because Bobby brags about his house.

Speaker 2 And somebody hit me up online and was like, Bobby always brags about his house. What does it look like? Show your house.
I said, Bobby's obviously never going to show his house. That would be foolish.

Speaker 2 When did I brag about my house? Just last episode, you were like, I got a big, everybody knows.

Speaker 2 I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 I'm going to to be honest with you. I want everybody to draw.
I want someone to draw a 3D drawing. I want to be honest with you, right?

Speaker 2 Is that you went to Sebastian's house, right, Rudy? Man, Scalco, Manascalco, right? Oh, my God. How big was that house? Very big.
Very big, right? Yeah, it's like $50 million or something.

Speaker 2 Right, so let me ask you something, right?

Speaker 2 How many times bigger do you think Sebastian's house than ours? 10 times. 10 times.

Speaker 2 10 times. This is coming from a murderer, by the way.
No, no, no. Whitney Cummings.
Right? Bigger. Her house is probably five times.

Speaker 2 Literally five or six times bigger than my house. Yeah, it's very big.
Dahlia's five or six times bigger. Delia has seven houses now.
I know. So that was my point.
I have one fucking house.

Speaker 2 One nice house. It's okay.
It's an house.

Speaker 2 I want people to draw the house what they think it looks like. So people send in your drawings to what you think it looks like

Speaker 2 at badfriendsmail at gmail.com because I really want to see what they think your house looks like. What does your house look like? Extremely modest.
Ranch.

Speaker 2 It's just a one. How many bedrooms?

Speaker 2 17.

Speaker 2 No, how many bedrooms? Three.

Speaker 2 Ours is three as well. How many bathrooms? Three.
Ours is three as well. You have four bathrooms, Kalila said.
Three.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Three. Three.
Pool, hot tub. We have a pool.
Do you have a pool? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Same as yours. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 2 But you're in the Hollywood Hills.

Speaker 2 All right. Look, people, send in your drawings.

Speaker 2 I want to see what you guys think the house looks like. And also, if anybody out there knows what dreams mean,

Speaker 2 can you please let us know

Speaker 2 what's wrong with Rudy's dreams and we can dissect them next week? Because I really want to find out. I love you.
Say goodbye. Ready? Thank you for being a bad friend.