Three Hundred Hussies

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Do-do-do-do-do.
Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do.
Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do.
Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do.
Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do.
Do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do.
Do-do-do-do-do asshole because he told me that our friend had AIDS. HIV.
I said he had HIV. Oh, shit.
HIV. Look, I told you he had HIV to get your attention.
I got your attention. Let me just let people know what happened.
Okay. So I'm outside with my dogs having a good day, very sunny good day.
It was after the rains. It was nice.
It was real nice. And I get a call from Redman over here, and he goes, I have something very important to tell you.
And I I'm listening because when you know when your friend opens up like that your ears you know my eyes are squinty but my ears are squinty but when I hear stuff my ears you know what I mean yeah like a cartoon what happened and you go seriously you Alex. Alex is our ad guy.

He works with us doing ads for the show.

Right.

And he said, man, Alex thought he had the coronavirus.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

And he went and got tested.

But they did some blood work.

Because they found something abnormal.

Abnormal, right.

And it came back that he has HIV.

So he's no longer our ad guy. So he's no longer our ad guy.
He's no longer our ad guy. And he has to go to Yuma, Arizona.
Yuma, Arizona. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And to get some sort of testing. Because that's where the facility is that he needs to help.
I don't know that. Yeah.
Yeah, I don't know that. Not a real thing.
So then he talks to me about some other kind of business. Yeah, real business.
Yeah. So then we hang up the phone.
And I'm like tears are welling up in my eyes. Like I'm shaking.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, oh, my God.
I got to tell Kalilah. Yeah.
You did tell her right away. She texted me right away.
Yeah. So I go to Kalilah and I go, Alex, he has HIV.

Right.

And then I tell her the information, but then the tears quickly went away.

Yeah.

Because I wanted to go play Witcher 3 downstairs.

I did.

I did.

You care about your friends getting HIV for four seconds.

It was a good eight seconds.

Okay.

Went down to play adventures. I was in a cave trying to find the sword that I want.

Did you find the sword that you needed?

No. Okay.
And then Kalilah texts me because I live in a very big house. So she has to text me.
Yeah, we know. Yeah, downstairs.
Right, Jules? We're killing it. She's not.
She's just living there. She does live there, yeah.
And she's going to get the house when you guys have to move out. When you guys get evicted, aren't you taking over the house, Jules? Yeah, she is.
I'm taking her the fuck out. This is an ungrateful

little Filipino.

She's going nowhere.

What?

She's going nowhere.

She's staying in your house forever.

She will be with you

for the rest of time.

Yeah.

You know,

we've been watching

90 Day Fiance.

Love it.

Hold on.

Finish your story.

All right,

let me finish the story.

So you're in the basement.

Kalilah texts you and says,

what?

You fucking idiot.

He doesn't have HIV, you fucking idiot. He does.
Andrew called me and he said he had the hiv. Yeah.
And she goes, no, he's just joking. So then I called you and then you laughed.
My point is this. Why would you think I would? My point is this.
Is that when you prank somebody and you say stuff like that, at the end of the phone call you go, I was just kidding. You don't let it

fucking live. How would you not know that I was

kidding? It was so obvious I was joking around.

People can have, right?

No! Not anymore!

Yeah, we know a guy

that has it. I know, but he got it in like

86. He has it? I know, but

no one gets it now. You know how I know he has it? How?

I've never given him a hug.

You won't touch him? No, I do. I do.
Do you ever, oh, you don't, well, you don't use drugs. I do, but my point is, is that.
Would you, would you share a drink with him if he, if you were like, can I get a sip of that? If he was like, can I get a sip of that? I'm really thirsty. Would you give him a sip? Of what? Like if I had a Coke? Yeah.
But no straw. Yeah, I'll go, yeah, here you go.
And then you. He would give it back and I would just hold it.
Until he walked away. Until he walked away.
Yeah, dump it out. And then burn the cup.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, seriously.
Alec, I told you that he had HIV to get your attention. Got it.
And then I asked you the business thing. It's not, it's not, you know- No, because when I ask you business stuff, when I ask you stuff about the show- Yeah.
You go like this, ready? Yeah, yeah? You're me, I'm you. So call me and act me.

Hello.

Because that's how you always open.

A hundred percent.

Hello, papa.

And then you go,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

That's how I do it? Yeah, you go, what, what, what, what, what, what, what.

And then what do I say?

I said,

give me any business thing,

like we need to do this.

So anyway,

so the mics, we got to get new mics. Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I don't care. I got to go.
I got to go. That's what I do? Every fucking time.
Do I talk like that? Yes. See? I fucking love you.
You do. So if I can't get your attention, if I've got to talk a real business thing that I was like, he's never going to take this serious.
And it was a long conversation. So I told you that the ad guy got HIV because I knew it would get your attention.

But from now on, right?

Anything.

Right.

If Chris D'Elia gets in a car accident

and you call me that he's paralyzed,

I'd be like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Yeah, but I would laugh too.

Oh, yeah, I would too.

Love you.

Let's show this.

Ironic.

D'Elia sent Bobby a video a video yeah so last night you know

let's play the video let me explain it first okay last night i'm having a great day i'm downstairs

playing witcher 3 just going on some adventures trying to find another sword and then i get a

text from this piece of shit yeah go ahead play it, play it. Here's what Delia's text to Bobby was.

My special came out.

Yeah.

It's killing.

You should do one, you know? Get it together. You're fucking doing already.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you don't, you know? And you won't.
Is it because you're a pussy? That's it. That's the video.
Let's criticize the way he looks, though. Okay, number one, Chris D'Elia.
All right. I don't know.
What a weirdo. Okay.
Look at this. Look at this, though.
Look at this face. Yet another goofball tattoo from Chris.
A paper airplane. He's three for three on bad tats.
His lips are like... Remember that amphibian character in Hellboy? Oh, yeah.
He does have the same lips. They're always wet.
D'Elia's lips are always fucking wet. Soaked.
Soaked. You know why? Why? Because he does this all the time.
Yeah. Is that what he does? All the time.
I see him lick his lips all the time. Oh, that's what it is.
He wants wet lips. Yeah.
He wants to be wet lips. Let's call him wet lips from now on.
So wet lips sent you this text. Did you text him back? Yeah.
I texted him. I'll show you what I texted him.
I go... Because when he sends me videos like this all the fucking time and I get so angry.
I don't know why. Well, he sends me those videos.
I just said, I'm going to hurt you. What did he say? Nothing.
Nothing. He never responded.
Yeah. In fact, he didn't hurt you then, didn't he? Yeah.
I mean, one time he sent me a video of, aren't my dogs cute? Ugh. So he has two dogs.
I think he has three. I thought he had three.
Whatever. Two or three dogs running around being cute but they're running on top of a pile of money.
Yeah, that's hilarious. That's so funny.
He does stuff like that. He does? Yeah.
Well, he's a richy rich guy. Yeah.
He's secretly probably one of the richest friends we have, don't you think? I mean, if I were to guess, he's not the richest. No, no, but I'm saying he's up there, though.
He's up there. He's in the top.
I think that the richest one we know is Sebastian. By far.
By far. Right.
That's not even – it's not even close. Sebastian's by far the richest, right? And we went to his house.
What are you calling? White Lips. Let's see what he's got to say about himself.
If he can pick up.

You know this guy?

Yeah.

He might be too...

You've met him before, right?

You know Chris?

Yeah.

Do you like him?

You like his comedy?

I don't watch it.

You don't watch comedy.

That's good.

Talk in the mic.

Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.

Jules, will you talk in the mic and go, hey, speak only in Filipino and say, hey, it's me. I've never been a fan of you or your comedy.
Will you? You may hang up or press 1 for more options. Hi, Kuiya.
I don't know how to do this comedy, but I'm not sure how to do this comedy. I'm not sure how to do this comedy.
Okay, d you're the only one. Mr.
Bobby, you're the only one. You're the only one.
You're the only one. You're the only one.
But Mr. Andrew, how are you? Okay, bye.
What the fuck? What did you just say? I said that Mrito Bobby said that you have a big lips.

And I don't like your comedy.

And Quianjo said hi and bye.

Okay, good.

That was very good.

Thank you so much.

I love you.

You're the best.

Thank you, Jules.

So fucking good.

He sends me those weird texts all the time.

That's what he does.

His special did come out.

Very funny.

Very funny. Does beg the question, Bob.
When's Bobo going to do one? All right. You know what? We're not doing that right now.
Okay. No problem.
We're not doing that right now. We don't have to.
At all. We don't have to.
You want to talk about something that's been bothering you for a while outside of that? Which is what? The podcast by Ken Jeong. It's not bothering me.
It's not? Is it bothering you? Well, you sent me a text that said, it's so fucking annoying that they have a podcast now. And you said, I hate Joel McHale.
If you want to go down this path, I can go down a path that you're not going to like as well. Don't ever roll your little eyes at me, by the way.
Okay. Well, hold on though.
Here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We compiled something. We compiled a little.
Bobby Lee or Ken Jeong, who sent this tweet? Let's see how different or close you guys are to having the same kind of tweet sentiments. Because we were looking at the tweets and I was like, hmm, maybe they copied us because you guys have similar tweets.
Yeah. Right? All right, so.

Yeah.

Let's play Bobby Lee Live or Ken Jeong.

Here we go.

Sorry, I'll stop the retweets.

Got carried away.

Damn you, Coke Zero.

Who said that?

Bobby or Dr. Ken?

Who said that?

Me?

Yeah.

I didn't say that.

I don't like Coke Zero.

That's right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If any of this is bad, it's all George.

Okay, okay.

So tired from my private charter flight to New Zealand.

Humble jet lag.

Definitely not me.

I take Southwest Airlines.

Middle seat.

That's why they love you.

Yeah.

I'm addicted to ramen, y'all,all and pussy it is something that I would say but I didn't say that you didn't no yes you did yes you did I said that April 19th 2014 you said I'm addicted to ramen y'all and pussy oh shit holy fuck I was in a psychedelic band in my early 20s, and I look like Pocahontas. I'm so glad they kicked.
That's me. Is it? Yeah, because I was in a psychedelic band.
Yeah, you were. What was the band? We were called Laxton Superb.
You can see a video on YouTube. Laxton Superb? Yeah.
We're going to look that up after we play this. No.
Have you ever showed anybody that? No, I don't want to show people. Wait, why? You just said we can look it up on YouTube.
On your own. You just told everybody.
Not us. Oh.
People listening on us. Oh, the fans? They can watch it? I don't know exactly.
I know it's on YouTube. Laxton Superb? That's what the band was called, yes.
Wow. Why? No, I think that's amazing.
Yeah, I was 21. It was a psychedelic band? that's what I just said in the tweet read it yeah but was it yes it was huh yeah Eric Stonestreet I'd rather not talk about it in public Eric Stonestreet thank God there's a private direct message and not a tweet that's definitely Ken Jeong why because he's friends I wouldn't I don't think I would say something like.
I would be a little bit more crass than that. Are you sure? Yeah.
Are you sure? Yeah. Look at me.
Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah.
Okay. You're right.
Yeah. What would you have said? I would have said, you fucking fat fuck.
You know what I mean? Something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You would have been meaner. Yeah, I would have been mean.
Dear Miley Cyrus, I love you deeply, but passing on Moriah Formica was a criminal. Bye.
That's me. You sure? 100% because I'm a huge fan of The Voice.
So is he. Yeah, but I'm a huge – like, I follow them.
We've had people on The Voice on Tiger Valley. No, no, I know.
But wait a minute. Do you still talk to Moriah Formica? I don't know her.
She was just on the show. But you tweeted at her.
Did she not return that tweet? No, you know what's so fucking fucked up? Some of them do, but some of them don't. I like American Idol as well.
Yeah, sure. And so I'll follow somebody from American Idol.
What about The Voice? Both. What about the newest one? Yeah, I'm watching the newest one.
Yeah, it's good. It's okay, yeah.
The songwriters one? What do you mean the songwriters one? They pair up songwriters with the... Do you know what I'm talking about? You're talking about American Idol? No, dude.
They have a brand new one. There's a brand new show where it's like...
They walk in... It's not The Voice then or American Idol.
No, I know. It's a brand new show, but it's from the same people.
Okay, what's it called? Is it a comedy game, Ben? Okay. Are we done with this portion or...? Close.
All right. Playing the new Cristiano game.
Heads up on my iPhone. This game is addicting.
No, that's not me. You sure? Yeah, you sure yeah I would not play that it was Ken yeah this is what I look at right before I transfer him into a mermaid that's me look at my body Ken doesn't look like that I know Ken has Gollum's body George did not blur this well enough how pixelated is it yeah yeah it's you yeah yeah wow though you look good thank you now is this one of the tubs where you put jizz on the side? Yep.
Sure is. This guy roofied me and I woke up in an abandoned building downtown wearing my Genghis Khan outfit.
That's me for sure because I know that that's Andrew WK. That is.
Yeah, yeah. What was that from one of his music videos? Yeah, something like that.
Yeah. Very bummed.
Frishante left Chili Peppers again. Probably the greatest guitarist in the past 10 years.
Billboard music awards it's not me damn george did not do a good enough job i'm gonna quit comedy also cheetah santino is my favorite comedian that's not me for sure 100 that one is my favorite that one's my literal favorite god damn i love that so much that that actually is yours wait wait wait that came out when to july 12 2014 i

said that out loud i'm gonna quit comedy also cheetah santino is my favorite comedian i bet you you don't remember this night do you you remember the night oh yeah no you don't yeah tell me the night you left your phone open at the store yeah we were sitting at the booths yeah i mean at the at mid-seat chairs yeah and at the bucket seats you went up on stage and left your phone on the table.

Uh-huh.

I unlocked.

I immediately went to Twitter and tweeted that, closed your phone, put it back down on the table. Wait, wait.
Did I know that you had done that? No. Well, yeah, I think afterwards we had talked about it.
Oh, really? Because you had opened your Twitter and you'd been like, what the fuck, what the fuck is this? And you didn't delete it. Oh, so you did that.
Yeah, I didn't do that. Technically you did.
I guess, yeah. But you know, I'll be honest with you.
There was a time where I would probably think that you were my favorite comedian. Well, we, oh, thanks.
In the past. No, I remember when- Well, here's, let me give you some honest reference to this.
Yeah. You were talking, you were being very negative and being like, I'm going to quit, I want to quit you weren't feeling good you were you were in a bad mood that night because that that 2014 was a really bad year for me well so you kept saying you kept saying i'm gonna quit comedy yeah and i was like you're not gonna fucking you're not gonna quit bob and you kept saying yes i am i'm gonna quit yeah yeah so when you kept saying that and then you left your phone and went on stage i tweeted i was just gonna tweet i'm gonna quit comedy and i was gonna say should i because i wanted you to see people go no fuck no that's insane right right but then i just wrote i'm going to quit comedy and then he said he knows my favorite comedian yeah yeah well thank you for saying that no because i remember when it was a tough year yeah it was a fucking tough year man that was a really bad year 2014 why why why i think i was in relationship with kalilah it It it was our first year maybe of being in a relationship with her and um i had nothing going on i couldn't get any auditions i had nothing really going on work was bad the road was um half the rooms were filled wow um some places i would go i would sell like 100 seats out of like a 350 room yeah 400 room and then i would have to go you know you know how you show up to a i don't not now but at that time you'd have to show up to a gig and then go in the manager's office and go what can we do can we just give away tickets and please i used i remember it vividly yeah i remember feeling i remember showing up yeah and doing that thing where i walk right into the green room i don't say i don't say anything to anybody yeah and somebody comes in like Horry I'm like I'm good sorry about that I immediately say sorry me too and the servers always were like it's okay dude it's okay it's not it's fucking we're fine this is fine this is and then they do this thing where they go this is like this Thursday this is like this is what it's like on Thursdays they say that all the fucking time and they're just trying to be nice to you because they know that it hurts or they'll tell you a a past comic that's good.
They'll go, you know who did really bad on Thursday too? Yeah, they'll do that move, right? But I remember those, it will never leave my chest. So that was happening a lot in 14.
Oh my god, and they would and then also at the end of the week was the worst. Where they, where it's payday.
Oh boy. Where you get the check.
Yeah. And it's like the justifications.
They bring out these paper, you know the paper? Yeah,'re like, here's how bad you did. Yeah, yeah, and they give you the numbers and the breakdown, right? So that means, so Friday night, we had a comp this many and this and that.
Anyway, long story short, here's your $5 check. Right, and then you had been there for a week, right? And you're like kind of shaking, and you go, thanks for the opportunity.
And you say some sort of bullshit like that. Bullshit, yeah, and you look like a dummy shaking and you go thanks for the opportunity and you say some bullshit bullshit yeah and you look like a dummy you look like a dummy and then you the flight home is always like the most depressing thing oh dude that night that night sucks because i go back to the hotel i'll probably have something to eat or drink and then just sit around thinking about god do i want to keep doing this yeah you can you do you really go do i want to keep doing this thing is this worth it to keep going to these places that but but but what's the worst show i i i can remember i went to i went to foxwoods casino have you ever been played there oh yeah right i was in fox i did it one time yeah and i had a show so not around anymore right i don't know yeah i did i did a show so bad where there's a curtain.
I went behind the curtain. I laid on my back, and I remember crying.
During the show? No, after the show was done. I could hear the audience leave, and I was laying back there just fucking crying.
Yeah. Yeah, it was that bad.
Painful. So fucking painful.
I mean, I've talked about so many of them you know i'm not gonna say the name of the fucking club but but you know what that i'm gonna i don't give a fuck i was at yeah which one i i don't want to say because the people that run are so nice yeah well you just said the club oh that's true yeah so one of some shows i can get this i can go So, you know't i don't get a door deal but just give me 10 grand for the week this is what i used to do and sometimes they would go all right right and at the end of the week there's these two old couple an old couple that run that's been doing it. Sure.
And you can tell that they're distraught.

And then the man is like giving me the check,

but his hand shaking.

What do you mean?

Like he's upset that he's,

yeah,

he's kind of upset.

He's like shaking.

You know what I mean?

He's like,

here you go.

I go,

what's wrong?

I wish,

I wish I'd never said that.

Yeah.

You should just take in the check.

I just,

we just,

we,

uh,

we just thought you would do better. And we were just really hitting're we're losing a lot of money on this one wow and i go and then how do you how do you take it from them did you take it no i would have taken it no no because they were so like they were older so what home with no money? No, no, no.
I go, just rewrite the check. Give me five.
That's really nice. And they go, oh, my God, you're a mensch.
And I had to Google what mensch meant. I remember that.
What's mensch mean? You never heard that? No. You thought it was a racial slur? Gook in Jerusalem.
In Yiddish? Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Yiddish? In Jerusalem? I don't know the language.
This is how it would have gone for me.

Yeah.

I'll be the guy.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

You little young man.

Oh.

Oh, you're shaking there.

Are you okay?

No, I just...

Is it like a medical condition?

No, it's not.

Ten grand.

There's the check.

No, we're just very upset because we're taking a really big hit on the sun, and we thought

we would do better.

Man. Yeah.
Thanks for the time, and we thought you would do better. Man.

Yeah.

Thanks for the time, dude.

Appreciate you guys.

That's really what...

Really?

Why?

I don't think you would do that.

Yeah, I wouldn't take it.

I would take the check.

When somebody's visibly distraught, and you can tell...

Those places make a ton of money.

Not this one.

This was at a Holiday Inn.

Mm-hmm.

Holiday Inn.

Why did they agree?

They thought they were going to make way more money? Yeah, because, you know, at the time... Not my business.
Not my business. We get fucked so much.
We get fucked so much. So I don't care.
I'm just... Oh, sorry.
It's okay. It's, you know, a lot of people thought at the time that Bobby was on a show Mad TV for eight years yeah we don't really know his numbers on the road but we just make assumptions that he's gonna sell a certain amount of tickets of course right I'm doing well now because of the podcasting and because there's just been just a you know because want to see you.
You're a great comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just a different vibe out there. But your agent set that number, right? It doesn't matter, dude.
We're still human fucking beings and I – Bob, I get it. The only way I agree with you here because I have a heart too is if it's a mom and pop place.
But if it's a corporate place, I don't fucking care. They make tons of money on...
It was a mom and pop. It's not a corporate.
Okay. All right, so that's what it was.
I give that credit then. Okay, good.
If it was the improv, fuck you. Wouldn't give a shit.
Yeah. Funny bone, fuck you.
Fuck you. There's a million...
Yeah. When it's a big corporate...
If it's a mom and pop, because I have family relations with families that I still love that I work with them on the numbers. Yeah.
But the problem is so many times corporate clubs fucked us when we were young. How many times did you get fucked when you were young by big corporate clubs and they gave you no money? Or you're like, this is how much? I thought we said this is how much.
Oh my God, so many. I mean, there's clubs today that when my agent goes, do you want to play the city? I'll go, no.
No, fuck that. And they'll go, why? Because I know what they're going to do.
Because they fucked you. The room is going to be sold out.
Right. And then they're going to go, here's $1,500.
Yeah. And then you go, and then they go sold out and then they go, no, I mean, I don't, I think there was some tickets left.
We're not, yeah, I don't know if it was all the way. And I know people are going, well, $1,500 is a lot of money.
You have to understand that, you know, we fly ourselves there. We're there for three or four days, right? And our agents take 20%, 25%, whatever your deal is, right? With taxes, you're making $600, $700.
It's just not worth it. No, you walk away broke.
Completely broke. Yeah, because all your money has gone through either taxes and agents' payouts, and you're living not at home, so you're eating out every day.
It's it's not you're cooking food yeah then you go back to your fucking hotel and i also want to say this is that people go well you comedians get paid a lot you have to understand that for the first 10 years yeah i did thousands and thousands and thousands of shows for nothing nothing no money for nothing i lived with nine dudes in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver years yeah we'd have to we'd have to grind it out just to get a meal a day I mean I went through it so it's like when people try to you know go well you're not grateful it's like go fuck yourself no you're very grateful that you're very grateful yeah yeah because you lived through the thing to get to the place right what's the first time you fucked uh when i was 28 no you're 20 years old the first time you fucked yeah 28 when i lost my virginity how because i because i was afraid of sex until then so i dry humped i only would dry hump really yeah so you would do like high school moves in your 20s? Because I was scared of sex.

So I would do – I would say, would you mind if we could take our pants off?

You've got to be –

Don't laugh at me.

I would say –

No, no, no.

That's not funny.

This isn't funny.

It's joy.

It's joy.

Okay.

So I would say, could you take your – we would take our pants off and I'd say, leave your underwear on and I'd leave my underwear on.

And I just would kiss and I'd grind it, but I'd do a dry hump.

And then you would come through the underwear?

I would come in the underwear. All over it.
And I usually go home with wet. So what was the first time you fucked then? When I was 28.
So what happened? Give me the situation. The first time I fucked? Yeah.
Craigslist. I ordered a girl off Craigslist.
Are you lying right now? Yes. I know you are.
I was 15. You fucking asshole.
I was 15. Why do you do that? It's fun.
Oh, is it fun? It's fun. But the first time, by the way, but the first time I do remember busting a nut with a girl was a dry hump.
Yeah. When I was 12 or 13.
And holy shit. Felt good.
Oh my God. Yeah.
I was soaked. I was soaked in cum.
Yeah. And I walked home with my cum-soaked underwear.
Yeah. and it was like the best moment of my life the best sex i thought that was the pin i was like this is it and then you feel sex for real and you're like well this is gonna ruin my life my girl the best sex i've had was with my girlfriend kalilah but the second best sex i've ever had was in Beirut.
Really?

Did I ever tell you that story?

No.

So this is crazy.

So I go to Beirut with Sebastian Maniscalco.

Yeah, for the troops?

And Eric Griffin.

No.

We did shows for, I'm not kidding you, Hezbollah.

When was this?

Years ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But so we did this whole run. Before Sebastian was Sebastian.
Oh, yeah, oh yeah yeah no one knew who was Sebastian he was a guy at the store he was just a guy at the store and Eric Griffin was just this fat black guy come on Bob no you were both very funny yeah many years ago but we had done this fucking Middle East run so I don't know if you know this but in the Middle East if you go on the internet and try to download porn you can't they block it yeah they block it right so then it's like and i've always masturbated through pornography yeah so i for a month i didn't masturbate at all you just i couldn't so it's just and then i kept saying to the tour guys i go when are we going to beirut becauseut? Because I knew that I could have a prostitute there. You could have freedom there, yeah.
And soon, in three weeks, I would have a calendar and just mark it. You know what I mean? And then we go to Beirut.
And so we go, and there's this guy named Camille. And he's like our friend, and he's running the shows, right? He's like promoting it through his production company or whatever.
And he lived in this gigantic white mansion. As soon as we walked in, there was like Uzis on the table.
Shut up. No, I'm not kidding you.
I love this. Right? And then like on the corner of this fucking place, Danny Masterson is eating spaghetti.
What? Yeah. And his brother.
I remember this. This is like Illuminati shit illuminati shit it is crazy right wait why how do they know because they're because he's since he's has a production company they're also doing a rave or something like that and danny masterson's djing uh okay so they hired him to come right okay it's not like he's he.
Well. No, we're all just there because of this guy.

Sure.

So I go right up to Camila and I'm just like shaking and I'm like, where do I get the prostitutes?

I'm going to explode.

You know?

He's like, oh, you want to go?

Yeah. Yeah.

And he goes, super disco. That's what he says to me super disco super disco i go what the fuck is a super disco and he goes that's where the prostitutes are oh and i go well let's can we go now he's like no we got to go an hour into the desert yeah right so i go when when he, when, when? He goes, tomorrow.
We'll go.

We'll go to Super Disco.

And then Masterson goes,

I want to go.

I'm not going to have,

he's not that way,

but they just wanted

to check it out.

I would want to check it out.

Yeah,

he just wanted to check it out.

Yeah,

I want to see it.

He wanted to see it.

Yeah.

But he didn't do anything

with his brother.

So we,

so we,

if you're in Beirut,

every other street,

there's a tank, right? Yeah, yeah, and a 12-year-old with a machine gun. Yeah, yeah.
Right? And then they have to stop and then it's like you got passports. Show me your papers.
Yeah, and all that stuff. So you're going out there.
You're going out there. It takes forever to get out there.
You got into the desert and all of a sudden you see these three buildings. They look like skyscrapers.
In the middle of the desert. In the middle of the desert.
And above them is like these like circus circus. It's a super disco but in that kind of font.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? And like bright lights you mean.
In bright lights. Yeah.
And we go downstairs and it's like – I've never been to like a shitty theater where it's like just black, they have no, you know what I mean? There's no set decorating. It's just black boxes.
It's a black box theater, yeah. Black box theater, right? That's what it looked like.
In the basement of this beautiful big building. In this beautiful basement.
It's black, you know what I mean? And maybe a couple of like, you know, those 70s, like... Disco balls.
Disco balls, right?

And it's like this music is playing, and the women are just walking in a circle.

What?

Yeah, they're just wandering around, just pretending that they're partying.

But you can tell that they're just... Sex slaves.

Slaves.

Yeah.

Sex slaves.

I don't know why I'm laughing, right?

And also, they didn't...

To me, I was just like, this is too sad.

It was very...

That sounds fucking miserable.

I'm going right and also they didn't to me I was just like this is too sad it was very that sounds fucking miserable it's just too sad it's like prison yeah so you so then I go to Camille I go I don't know is there a happier place like a super super disco right and he goes no no no dude I know I know the girl I've been here before. I know the girl.
Okay. So he disappears, right? He comes back with this Moroccan lady, right? Her name is Julia, but she looked like a dark Julia Roberts.
No. I'm being serious.
As soon as I saw her, my dick just went, you know what I mean? Yeah. It went like this, right?

And a little, like a little juice squirted out the top.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

It was like, oh.

And he goes, this is Julia.

And I go, hi, nice to meet you.

You know?

And she's, you know, when women first see me, they make a face.

Yeah.

And they go like that.

It makes sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I go, what do we do now?

Or how's it work? You know what I mean? And he goes, no, you got. It makes sense.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I go, do we do it now or how's it work?

You know what I mean?

And he goes, no, you got to come back tomorrow.

What?

Check this out.

You got to come back tomorrow and you got to take her on a date.

You have to take a prostitute on a date?

I go, what the fuck?

I don't know the language.

I don't know Moroccanese or any of this shit. Moroccanese.

I don't know any of this shit.

Right.

He goes, it's not really a fucking, it's just illegal. Right.
So you have to just show up here and go through the motions of it. But it's going to, I go, okay.
So I wake up the next day and I go, Camille, let's go. He goes, no, you're going on your own.
Out to the Super Disco by yourself. Yeah, an hour in the desert by myself.
Nope. I go, by myself? He goes, look at this piece of paper.
So he puts a piece of paper, right? On the top it says, Julia, 202. Johnny said it was okay.
That's what it said. Johnny said it was okay.
Well, Johnny said it was okay. I go, who's Johnny? He goes, don't worry about it.
Just give him the paper.

So I go in the cab, and I remember this cab driver, he goes, hey, you want to see my new tattoo?

I go, yeah.

He pulls up his shirt.

It's a full-blown Adolf Hitler tattoo.

Shut up.

On his fucking stomach.

In Beirut?

In Beirut.

Had Hitler doing the SIG high-up? Yeah, i have no idea wow so i'm scared and then now i feel safe for some reason and also but in every stop point yeah right it's harder because i don't know the language it's not like camille could talk to these people yeah so it's just it just takes longer would you have to keep saying super disco no i didn't say any you can't say that so what is say that. So what is the taxi guy does it? Yeah, he's like, you know, he's going to go visit.
I don't know what he's saying, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So we go out there and the taxi, it's during the day now.
It looks completely different. It's just desert and just like 1970s Soviet looking buildings.
Oh my God. And he drops me off and he goes, he just drives away.
Yeah, and I go what the fuck and I walk in there and there's a table a long wooden table off to the side and there's probably about 10 Russian dudes Russian right drinking Turkish coffee smoking cigars and they all have the guns oh yeah yeah right yeah and they're just as soon as I walk in they go they just stare and I'm shaking Andrew the paper is just yeah yeah just right and I go to the front desk and there was a doorway like that right but you know how in the doorway sometimes they have those wooden beads?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whatever the beads.

I fucking hate those.

Yeah, so a Russian twice the size of these guys walks through this fucking thing.

What do you want?

I go, oh, what?

It was also Dracula.

That's how I hear.

What do you want?

And I go, Julia, 202, Johnny said it was okay that's what I said right and he goes who's Johnny yeah good question and I ran out of the fucking building what yeah and I called Camille because he had these makeshift like throwaway phones right right right, yeah. Burner phones.
Burner phones. And I go, there's no Johnny.
Give me a cut. There's no Johnny.
There's a fucking Johnny, dude. He's my friend.
Go back in there. We're in a fight.
I'm not going back in there. So I go back in there.
But now the guy's still behind the counter like this. Huge.
Huge. And these guys are just staring at me yeah and i go back and i go julia 202 johnny said it was okay and he looks at me he goes i'm johnny and then everyone starts laughing right right Right? And I'm laughing too.

Like, I thought I was going to die.

You know what I mean?

And so then he goes, here's your keys.

Right?

Camille took care of it.

You know?

Every single range.

Oh, he paid.

Yeah, he paid for it.

And he goes, and he gave me two remote controls.

One for the, I remember, one for the air conditioning and one for the TV remote. I know.
It's weird. They don't leave them in the room? No, they don't.
So I have two remotes and then I have keys. I go to room 202 and it literally is like – the set – the room looked like Munich 1972.
I mean just 70s. Like drab.
But Old Not only just old But very like Soviet 70s Yeah Weird Yeah yeah Uncomfortable Very uncomfortable The TV was like I didn't even know How to turn it on It was so old Yeah the remote Wasn't for the TV Yeah I don't know What it was for And I sat there on this couch just waiting for this girl.

And I waited there probably for an hour and a half.

She wasn't in the room?

No.

So you just sat in the room?

I just sat there.

I looked around a bit.

I looked outside.

It was just desert.

What do you do back then?

There's no phones?

You're not playing on a phone?

You just sat?

No, I had a makeshift phone.

That's what I'm saying.

So you just sit in silence?

I just sat there.

And then I get a knock on the door.

And she comes in.

And she doesn't speak English.

Of course.

And she just goes, she grabs my hand.

She'll just sit on the couch.

I'm just sitting there.

I don't know what to say.

And then she starts licking, kissing my neck, right? And I'm not kidding you. Out of my dick.
You came already? Already a little bit. I mean, imagine a month, right? Yeah.
Right? You could hear it. Like that, right? Yeah.
And she goes, okay, come over. You know, she pulled me on the bed and she has condoms out of this purse, right? Put the condom on.
She put it on for you? Yeah. Okay.
And she's beautiful. She's hot.
We should have asked Rudy to leave the room like an hour ago. Are you okay? Because Kala knows the story.
You okay with it? Do you judge me for it no all right don't be don't be judgy okay all right she's tired from school yeah she's trying to learn as soon as I stick it in I come what yeah I go right away right away so okay that's good let's you know what I mean? She goes, no, no, four hours.

He paid for four hours? No, for some reason you have to be there because of this dating thing for a certain amount of time.

Right?

Otherwise they know it's a prostitute?

Right.

Right.

So I go, four hours?

She goes, but we can do as many as we want.

So you can just keep doing it?

Yes.

So you did?

Like 12 times.

Really? Oh, my God. Did you love it? Oh, just keep doing it.
Yes. So you did.
Like 12 times. Really?

Oh my God.

Did you love it?

Oh, it was the best.

For $200?

That's all it was?

Yes!

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

So you just kept going.

You kept going.

I mean,

by the 12th one,

you know what I mean?

Fourth or fifth.

A visine drop comes out.

Yeah.

That's when your dick is like,

trying. Yeah, yeah.
So wait a minute. How do you say goodbye? I don't...
You just got up and left. Yeah, I just got to put my clothes on.
Bye-bye. Well, you give him a look, like...
And then you leave. You waited? Hey, you'll never forget me.
I'm the guy that cummed right away. Bing.
Have you ever had a prostitute? No. You have? Yeah.
Why do you lie?

I've had three of them.

You have?

Three at once.

Are you lying?

Because of the HIV thing and because you've lied a couple of times on this podcast, are

you being honest or real?

How about this?

From now on, especially on this specific podcast, please don't lie because I want to be real.

I got a handjob in college from a prostitute. That's it i never had sex i was so scared to have sex that's a scary thing for me any gay experiences it was the hand job from the prostitute it was a guy no for real i did get a hand job from a prostitute in college at a party and you paid them yeah i so sad.
It was like a frat boy party type of shit.

And she was like a dancer.

They hired a girl to come dance, right? Yeah.

And a buddy was like,

if you give her like 20 bucks,

she'll jerk you off.

And I was like, fuck you.

He's like, I swear to God.

Yeah.

So like,

joking around, joking around.

Yeah, yeah.

Dancing with me.

She's doing a dance. Yeah.
You know, we're tipping her like she's a stripper even though we have like nine dollars to our name i said my buddy said if i give you 20 bucks that you can help me out and she was like oh yeah right now oh wow wow and i was like uh not in front of everyone she's like okay whatever what do you want i was like oh't, maybe it's in the bathroom. So I go to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet.
I was super nervous. This is so fucking gross I'm telling this story.
I sat on the toilet. I just told you the Feyreuth story.
But yours is fun and mine's sad. That's both sad.
Well, here we go. Yeah.
I sat on the toilet. Yeah.
And she's like, go on the sink. Like sit on the sink.
So I sat on the sink and I pull my pants down. Right? Yeah.
And she goes to give me a blowjob. And I stopped her.
Who does that? I didn't want. She was.
How many dicks did she suck that night? I don't know. I got nervous.
Can you get AIDS from a blowjob? Can you? I don't think you can. Maybe.
I think it's like 1% or something. Well, I didn't want to be the 1%.
I didn't want to be the one guy that was like, mom, dad. Okay.
I got age from a blowjob at a hooker at school. Yeah.
Like think about that funeral. I know.
He was a good man. What year was it too? 2003.
Oh, yeah. Well, you could have survived.
Yeah, yeah. We had medication.
You could have taken the Michael Still nervous What's the The Magic Johnson fucking shit Money He had money Oh that's true So I just said Can you What if you My friend said You'll Jerk me off Yeah yeah yeah And she was like Oh okay whatever She couldn't have cared less Yeah So she started pulling on my dick Yeah No condom Is there a condom on no okay no that's why i got nervous i didn't want the blowjob so she's just pulling on me pulling on me pulling on me and i was so in my head nervous yeah i you didn't come i went soft oh that's the saddest story get ready she kept going she just kept pulling on it soft for like maybe four or five minutes. That's so sad.
And then I said, I got to go. I have to go.
I have to go. That's your story? That was my prostitute story.
It's the saddest story I've ever heard. There's no ending.
There was. I left.
I know, but that's not – it's like a soft ending. It was very soft.
Yeah. It's like – You asked.
You wanted to know. It's like the movie Sixth Sense without revealing that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.
She's dead now, if that helps. The prostitute is? Yeah.
Yeah. Wow.
Only one time you've had it. Yeah, that's such a scary idea.
Really? You're not scared of it? You know, it's funny. You funny um you know when i so many penises so many penises they've had yeah but if you protect yourself it's like you know i know i just you know i want i i want to be the only bell at the ball listen i yeah i understand okay i uh listen you there are times where i do think back at my life and go, why did you behave like that?

I don't want to punish myself for seedy behavior.

Yeah.

Right?

You shouldn't.

I don't really.

But there is some shame

associated to it

because I'll tell a story

on a podcast

and I can read the room

and the room going,

uh-oh.

You know what I mean?

And then me going,

oh my God, I am a weird guy, huh guy huh yeah I'm a weird guy yeah but it's a good thing I don't you know we wouldn't have had that Beirut story we would have just had a story about a guy getting jerked off in a frat room and his penis went soft you know how much that hurt my feelings I thought from that day forward I was never getting an erection again I went soft while a good looking girl tugged on my penis I got so scared I understand because adrenaline and pressure I was so scared sometimes you want to be relaxed and she wasn't even looking at me while she was doing it which was even more weird I have to justify my Beirut thing I don't know if I would have done that if I was able to jerk off but I couldn't remember for a a month, over a month. Yeah.
Right? So it was just all pinned up in me and I, you know. I felt so much peer pressure.
For me, it was more peer pressure. Yeah.
Like it would be cool to get a... Dude, I've lost my erection in front of prostitutes all the time.
Oh, really? I think it's happened like nine times in my life. Okay.
What's your total prostitute number? Me? Yeah. Be honest.
As close as you can mentally because I know you probably forget some i'm gonna i'm gonna give you the most honest answer i can i usually i exaggerate yeah or i fumble the number numbers you know yeah over 300 what prostitutes not sexual partners women that you sex. Yeah.
And I don't mean 300 times. I mean 300 different women.
Yeah. Huh.
What do you mean? Huh. That's a lot.
That's a heavy amount. It's not a lot? No.
I think that's a lot. It's not.
It's not? No. Not 300 times.
300.

I understand the English language.

So I don't mean how many times yet.

I understand the English language, and I'm telling you right now, I've had sex with – what are you Googling?

What the fuck are you Googling?

What's the average amount of prostitutes men get percentage of men by company country who pay

for sex just because i want to see the average i mean cambodia is killing it killing it yeah

wow so united states ranks uh three four five six seventh um about about 20 percent of men here get

I bet. Yeah.
Wow. So United States ranks 3, 4, 5, 6, 7th.
About 20% of men here get prostitutes. 80% of men in Cambodia get prostitutes.
And what's the – listen. But I want to know the national average of number of prostitutes per man.
Cambodian men are quite ready to admit that they seek the favors of prostitutes. Let's see what the United States says down here.
Why are we doing this? I'm honest with you and now you're putting facts and trying to rub it in my fucking face. I'm curious to know if that's an average number.
I was just honest with you. Okay? How much money do you think you've spent? Thousands of thousands and thousands of dollars probably.
What's the average cost of a prostitute? I want to say this, okay That I don't look like you What's the average cost? Look at me right now You white piece of shit Look at me I don't look like you You know, I grew up I'm older than Okay What's the average cost of a prostitute? 2006, it was about $340. $14, it was $260.
I guess that's not that bad. So you haven't spent that much.
What's the most you've spent? Well, there was a girl in Vegas that I'd spent $1,000 a pop. $1,000 per time? Mm-hmm.
How many times did you pop? 12 times probably. Over a series of six, seven years, yeah.
Oh, so every time you went to Vegas, you'd see her? Yeah. And you gave her around $12,000? Maybe.
Hmm. That's not, well, yeah.
If you got it, you got it. I mean, that's just a little bit more than the Go Bananas guy gave you, I guess.
Yeah. That's wild.
You know, um... But look at me.
Look at me when I say this. I don't give a fuck.
Look at me. Yeah.
I'm not judging. I don't care.
It's fine. I'm just...
I didn't know 300 sounds like a lot. Yeah.
It just sounds like a lot. It may not be a lot.
But okay, I'm 48. Yeah.
All right? And also, you have to understand that— So if you've been doing it for 20 years— When I was in the 80s, right, when I was a young man, right, I graduated high school in 1990. Wow.
I was in all these unrequited love situations where I would have a crush on a girl. I would do everything I can for them to like me.
I in these like friendships with them for like six months to a year even they would date other guys other dudes and i'd stick around hate that and be their you know be their friend and supportive meanwhile i'm so jealous and i don't know what to do because i'm i feel so um i had this negative image of me sexually i just when i looked in the mirror I didn't get who I was. I don't like that.
That's me. That's just sad.
So my point is I can name you the women, Ashley Brown, Rebecca Dreskin, Anna Bejeldenis. I was just in these relationships where it's just like – I was in a room with a girl while she was fucking another guy at a party.

And I loved her.

Cucking.

Yeah.

Did you watch?

Yeah.

Did you?

I didn't watch.

I was just laying down next to them.

So that's who I was.

You laid down next to her and she had sex with you? On another bed, but it was in the same room.

And I remember pretending to sleep and I know that she's fucking this other guy.

Wow.

Right?

And so when you're in these and so you know listen to the whole thing you didn't say anything when i watch a movie i'll watch the complete movie even if i don't like it this is a but this is a really sad movie i just saw trolls that cartoon movie was what a good what a good film and at any point during the movie did a troll fuck another troll in front of another troll? Yeah. So you had all this damage.
Yeah, and also I had this poor self-image. I was sober.
Yeah. I was going to A meetings.
And the first woman that ever had sex with me, really, that wanted to have sex with me is when I was 23. I had prostitutes before that when I was 17.
I had been doing that. But I remember it distinctly.
I was dooring at the comedy store in La Jolla. Time out.
The prostitutes before that were Tijuana? Yeah. Yeah.
Go ahead. I just wanted reference.
You know, I feel like this is, I feel so shameful about this whole thing. Why? You shouldn't feel any shame at all.
I've talked about it before. It's way back there.
It's in the past. Who cares? Okay.
I remember it. I was dooring on a Saturday night.
Yeah. And there was a white chick in the front row.
And back then, if you were a doorman at the comedy store

on a Saturday, you get to host

one of the shows. There's two doormen.

I think they still do that. They might.

So I always did the second

show. And I remember

having a... That was a new

comic, but I accidentally

had a really good set.

And then it was when

Princess Diana died.

Oh, how fun. That was so good.
And there was a girl that was visibly, beautiful girl, that was visibly shaken by Princess Diana. She was crying.
Oh, shit. I go, why are you crying? You know when the showroom is leaving? Right.
Because I had to close out the show. So imagine, she's in the front row.
I get off stage. The showroom's getting up.
And we just kind of get bundled together. Sure.
And I just go, why are you crying? She's like, I know this person's dying thing. This is really.
And I go, oh, I hope you have a. I rubbed her back.
And I said, I hope you have a good, you know what I mean? I hope you feel better. You know, like some incel fucking desperate bullshit shit.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
And then I'm fucking cleaning toilets. You know what I mean? Afterwards.
Yeah. At the store.
With a mop. You know what I mean? And Fred Burns.
Lee! These are matters of the club. I go, what? You have a phone call? And I go, hello? And she goes, hey, how was that girl? That was, that you said about the princess diet.
I go, yeah. Did you lose your wallet? What? She goes, no.
You want to hook up? I go, what? What do you mean? A job offer? Like I had no idea, right? And the next thing I know, two days later, I'm 69ing her in her mom's closet in Oceanside, California. Fun.
I'm literally her ass. I'm ass i'm eating her pussy right how fun and i'm in a closet and i'm looking up and i couldn't believe it how old are you 23 wow and then from then on right i used so that's when all the prostitution stopped for me when you got a real girl no when i started doing stand-up right you know Right.
And once stand-up happened, like I did Frank Caliendo's podcast yesterday, and a bunch of guys were like, you always got hot chicks. Yeah, since I've been doing stand-up.
Right, before that, no way. Because I didn't have a voice or had no confidence.
I was always this weird Korean dude. You know me, the way I talk, the way I am.
Imagine not having comedy as your backup, your foundation, and just me being me but being a busboy at P.F. Chang's.
You'd be like, that's an unfuckable fuck. You know what I mean? Yeah, but someone's for everybody.
You see some really ugly people. I'm not ugly.
I'm cute as fuck. But my is is that you said you felt i felt it but then by doing comedy and then you know you know when you get successful and things happen you slowly have a different image of yourself right and then all of a sudden i honestly feel as sexy as chris d'alea or anybody else you do i do your your sex level is as high as that guys no not in terms of ratio you know i mean but what i'm saying in terms of how i feel about myself yeah is like that that's great i don't i don't look in the mirror and go anymore like oh look at this fucking weirdo i go yeah you go fuck yeah yeah wow and that.
And that's because for over 20 years, I've been doing this. That's a great place to be.
And I've built my confidence up and I've – You feel super – you feel comfortable. That's what it is.
Not just comfortable. I feel like – But do you ever look at Kalilah naked when you're naked? Get out of here.
She can't hear this stuff. Yes, she can.
Do you guys ever see each other naked? Do you ever look at kalilah naked when you're naked uh get out of here she can't hear this stuff she can do you guys ever see each other naked you ever look at her naked and you're like wow and then do you ever have a moment of like oh boy oh boy what because you look at you and you're no just different never never no she's in phenomenal shape no i mean i'll the other day i like she wasn't there but i was a wrecked i just pulled my dick in front of her. Just in the broad daylight.
Right. You know what I mean? Right.
What did she do? I sent you the photo. Right, I do remember that photo.
She sent me the photo too. I know she did.
Yeah, you both did. You both sent me the photo.
Look, I wasn't criticizing the prostitute thing. I'd like to know, if the fans want to answer how many prostitutes they've had, that'd be kind of nice.
I wonder. I don't advocate anybody doing that.
Yeah. Right? But, you know.
Why not? But if you're in unrequited relationships all the time, right, and sex becomes, especially when you're a young man in your early 20s and it becomes, you know what I mean, such a – you build right yeah and you make it like you know your number one priority it's the only thing that matters right what i did was i um somebody this old guy once told me that prostitution is a launching pad and i go prostitution is a launching pad yeah i feel like that phrase isn't a launching pad. Yeah, I feel like that phrase isn't over.
It is over. Yeah, I know.
I mean it's – I feel like something else needs to be – And then I go – I asked him and he goes, yeah, just because once you start having sex, right, it doesn't become as important, right? And it will ease you into other relationships. You'll be more.
More comfortable. Basically, it's training wheels for sex.
Yeah, it's also, you know, it's like if you're already having it. Yeah.
Right? Then it doesn't become as, you know what I mean. Did you ever fall in love with a prostitute? Did you ever catch feelings? No.
Never caught feelings once? No. Never once did you go, man, I really actually kind of like this girl? No.
Wow. No.
Did they ever catch feelings for you? Did you ever have one that was kind of attached to you and wanted to see you a lot? I've had women that should be prostitutes that had feelings for me. You know what I mean? Yeah.
I've had some weird relationships. I've had some weird shit, man.
Yeah. Yeah, like, I can't say her name, but there was this girl that used to work at the comedy store, like hang out at the comedy store.
And like for years I hit on her. When I was around? No.
Okay. Before your time.
And then the time I hooked up with her, she bit my fucking thigh so hard. While she was blowing you like she was kissing me and then she just bit me so fucking hard here that it started bleeding I still came sure afterwards but then afterwards I was like what the fuck you know she was like I was just into it you know after I came yeah right so I was doing it and bleeding you know i mean and she's doing it why did you do that you know and so you know you just weird shit you know yeah you've been through you've been through it all oh my god i'm just so fascinated i want to know i i want to know like how the i just want to know how like that world works where you get comfortable with prostitutes.

Cause isn't it uncomfortable?

No.

Not even a little bit.

No.

Don't you get afraid?

What if you're afraid of the cops?

Are you afraid of getting caught?

What if it's a sting?

You know,

they have those bust operations you ever seen on them on shows. It's like a fat bald guy and the prostitutes in a wig.

It's so obviously not a real prostitute and they're next door in a motel and they're like we're gonna bust that's happened to me that fuck that's what happened

to me with mike young and they kick what what you and mike told you that no oh fuck man what happened so one night it was like we're at the comedy store and it's three in the morning okay yeah this is probably in 2001 okay okay 2000 yeah and we were looking through the LA Weekly or whatever or the LA Weed Reader or whatever it's called right where they have the prostitutes yeah and we're like how much money do you have and I had just booked a commercial and the commercial money had just came in yeah what was the commercial it was El Pollo Loco so El P pollo loco got you some pussy we're ahead of dance like a chicken in the street it was one of those commercials where um we're like you know it's just everyday life right yeah where the cop pulls over you know i mean the kid from the fucking bench gets up the cop gets out of the car you know i mean people just start wandering in street, and we all start doing the chicken dancing in the street. And I remember, I lived in Silver Lake, and I remember the Cholos, right, would see me and go, hey, there's the guy! And they would do the chicken dancing in front of me.
It was so sad. Yeah.
No, that's wonderful. Yeah.
So one night, we look at the... LA Weekly.
Whatever it is. And we find a girl and we call it.

And – Yeah, so one night we look at this – LA Weekly. Whatever it is.

And we find a girl and we call it. And there was a hotel on Sunset, like a Best Western.
Yeah, it's a Best Western right there. And so she says, we're here.
This is where we're at, this room. It's like right across the street.
Right. and Mike and I go over there and

we see the room and then we see the curtain open and you can see two men in the curtain white dudes right older look up and then when they kind of see us and they put the shade back down right why are you rolling no no i'm saying because you know what's going on so i'm like what the fuck shady and mike goes i'm out i'm not we gotta try right yeah and um he goes well then you do it so he sat on the sunset i there. I knocked on the door, and there was a woman there.

She was a Latino, a little older, and she did not look like a prostitute.

Right.

She was wearing a robe.

Right.

You know what I mean?

And she kind of looked, you know.

She's smoking.

Like a congresswoman.

Right.

That's what she looked like.

You know what I mean?

And I go, are you a cop?

And she just looked at me.

And I just walked away. She didn't say a word? No.
Yeah, goodbye. Crazy.
Yeah. You almost got fucking busted.
Could you imagine what that does? What? Getting caught with that? I mean, fuck your name. Yeah, I had just...
That would fuck you up. Yeah, yeah, I think that would have fucked me up at that time.
That would fuck you up? Yeah, yeah. Like, had you been on Mad? I think I was just on it, yeah.
Yeah, I don't think, I think that would have been bad. That would have stung so bad.
Yeah. So do you ever think about that when you got prostitutes back in the day? Do you think about cops or no? But you think, okay, number one, all right, I had never gotten an LA one.
The only way we would do, I can't say the names, but we would do lunch runs.

What do you mean?

So I would have – When you were working at the club?

No, there would be comics that would call where you would text.

Yeah.

And you would – they would say lunch run, right?

Yeah.

And you always knew what lunch run meant.

Yeah, hookers.

Right.

Right.

So there was a place in the city of industry, right? So sad. Called Hawaii Theater.
Oof. The best.
Sounds terrible. It's terrible.
Yeah. And you walk into Hawaii Theater and it's, there's like these, it's black boxy kind of, you know? Yeah.
But there was like a nice stage with bamboo. Right.
Right. And coconuts, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Dangling.
Yeah. And it's like this makeshift kind of strip club.
But it was a brothel. And it had been there for years.
People knew about that place. It's no longer there.
But so we would either go there or we would go to Mexico or I would do it in Las Vegas. Vegas is the most common.
Yeah. But Vegas feels forceful because it's a part of the game out there.
Who cares, dude? It's a business exchange. Sure.
But to get – look, to get caught and get in the paper and have your name and all that stuff, that's just – It's legal, right, in Vegas? In Nevada. Yeah, not in the city.
That's right. Yeah, but.
So Mike, I got taken by somebody who I won't mention to a, I got taken by to a really nice nightclub, right? Strip club. Yeah.
Trip club, nightclub, whatever. Vegas is all the same.
And someone I'm with is jokingly saying like, he's on a TV show. Oh.
And this is when I first did I'm Dying Up Here, the first i and and she's like you know these two really beautiful women you know all around us all this stuff and they have a table and she they're both like come upstairs with us and they're prettier than any of the girls they're like the two hottest girls and i go upstairs and you know i'm up there and i'm thinking oh they're just gonna give me a double dance it'll be fun you know i'm getting a dance and i'm gonna do your wife gonna be mad at this no okay no it's fine strip clubs are fine um so it's like they're getting a to give me a double dance. It'll be fun.
You know, I'm getting a dance and I'm getting a dance. Is your wife going to be mad at this? No.
Okay. No, it's fine.
Strip clubs are fine. So it's like they're getting a dance.
I'm thinking, okay. And then the one girl's like, Hey, you want to have like real fun? And I was like, this is fun.
This seems like real fun. Yeah.
And she's like, no, no, no. Fuck that shit.
Like we know you're on TV. He told us.
So-and-so told us like you're a TV. You got money.
Let's have some fun. Let's fucking spend some money.
Who gives a shit? and I was like no no no no no and she goes look a thousand dollars for both of us and anal oh they had to throw in the fucking they tossed in anal I know like it was tire shine like it was like or it's like you know those like it was like they add in you know what I mean yeah and if buy now, you can get this radio. Get another one for free.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. For $19.99, you also get the buy.
Yeah, yeah. So she said, and anal.
And I said, oh, no, I'm not trying to have sex. And she was like, come on, come on, come on.
And I go, I just want dances. I went, so I give them a couple hundred dollars.
Getting a dance, getting dancers, keep dancing. They keep bugging me for it, bugging me for it, bugging me for it.
And then finally, she, like, grabs my dick. And she's like, let's go.
Don't be such a fucking pussy. And I was want to I don't want to have sex with you guys I'm sorry man I don't want to when I said that go ahead what? if it was like if you were if you weren't married if I was single and you were single and they weren't prostitutes would you have fucked them on regular style? well yeah if I was single and it was two girls in a club yeah yeah yeah but by the way in a Vegas thing there, yeah, yeah.
But by the way, in a Vegas thing, there would have been prostitutes no matter what. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because they would have fucked and they would have been like, we need some money. And then they'd be like, what are you talking about? And then a big black guy would have walked in and be like, they need their money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would have been like, oh shit, okay, here's some money.
No, but I just, I didn't, I was like, no, I'm out. But when I said I don't want to have sex, because you can't say it, you can't use that language at strip clubs, you know that, right? Once you start talking about expletives, then they hey hey right you have to use code right right so they stood up and freaked out and left the room and then one of the bouncer guys one of the big black dudes walks in he's like let's go you out let's go do you yeah and they kicked me the fuck out oh my god because i would i mean they were like strong-arming me to fuck and i was like i i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to I wanted to, but I wasn't.
You know what I mean? I was like, of course, I want to fuck these two trash bags. But like, no, of course.
No, I don't want to. I don't want to.
No, thank you. But a thousand bucks for two plus the butts is pretty nice, isn't it? One time I was in the Bellagio and I masturbated just in the middle of the casino.
What? And I remember Ike Barinholtz grabbing my hair and dragging me out of the place. Were you wasted? So I had been sober for 12 years.
Yeah. And then I had relapsed when I got on Mad TV.
In Vegas? Well, no, not in Vegas. Why were you going to Vegas with Ike? Because a bunch of Mad TV people went out there.
Okay. Right? And, you know, I had never done ecstasy before.
Oh, so fun. Right? Yeah.
After 12 years of sobriety, I had never done ecstasy before uh so fun right yeah after 12 years

i had never done it so i did it and i just found myself just wanting to masturbate in public huh yeah yeah and then i remember him dragging me by my hair to get you out of the hotel were you still jerking off as he dragged you i think my pants were like it'd be so funny if he's just What a crazy fucking city, man.

So you watch 90 Day Fiance?

Love. All right, so when we watch it, I always tell her, right? Because you know Ed and that Rose? Love Ed.
Right, Ed and Rose? Yeah. I always tell fucking her, I go, you're fucking lucky, aren't you? Yeah.
Right? You could have been Rose. Yeah, you could have been fucking Rose.
Did you see the pictures of Ed when he was young no was he hot what was he hot yeah dude let me see uh ed from 90 day fiance when he was young if you guys know what i'm talking about he's mayonnaise head he got they call mayo head look at this this is ed when he was young they posted these pictures online this is him when he was young. Look at that.
Good looking dude right there, right? There's two more that are- Yeah, but the neck is- Hold on. There's two.
Those aren't the ones that- Let me see the neck. Hold on, hold on.
Well, this is him. Look at this is him.
With Mayo head. This is Big Ed putting Mayo in his fucking hair.
That's Mayo head Ed. Yeah.
Look at that neck. Yeah.
It's as if he got into a car accident and his head hit the windshield and it didn't break. You know, like it just squished him down.
Yeah. But look, there's there's I want to find these young pictures.
They got revealed online. Somebody that he's friends with on his personal Facebook page apparently put up these old photos.
Look, look, look, this is him right there. That's it right there.
Look at this. Look at that fucking photo of this guy.
Oh, shit.

Hold on.

Look at how good looking he is right there.

You're right?

Is he good looking?

Yeah.

Isn't that crazy? Yeah, he's pretty good looking back then.

Yeah, dude.

That's a good looking fucking guy.

It surprised the shit out of me.

That's the same guy.

That's the same guy.

Wow.

Right?

And then this is him too.

They have one more.

Wow.

One more.

He's holding his daughter in one of these when she's young. Yeah.
There it is. And look at that.
Yeah. The neck isn't as bad.
By the way, we shouldn't make two. But look at his legs though.
Well, look at him now. Yeah.
This is what I look like when I'm taking a shit. Yeah.
When I'm taking a shit, that's what I look like. Sweating, straining, folding.
This is also what my penis looks like when I get out of water. You know what's sad about that show? It's the catfish ones.
Like that black lady. So many of them are catfish.
Oh my God. Or that one.
And her boyfriend's name is, it's like a plural. It's like Matthews.
Yeah, Matthews. What is it? Williams.
Williams. Williams.
It's not William. It's Williams.
Yeah. Or that one guy that went to the Ukraine, right? Seven years he hadn't met the woman.
Seven fucking years he still thinks she's coming out of the woodwork. This guy's never met this girl.
And seven years later, he thinks she's going to show up. He spent $100,000 on just a fucking site.
Yeah. Yep.
Right? No video. No videos You don't have personal- Only chat.
Only chat. Yeah.
Only chat. Oh, if I was his friend- But here's the problem.
Yeah. You can't tell a guy like that.
Yeah, you can. You can't.
Oh, yeah, you can. No, because a guy like that thinks there's hope.
No, no, no. What would you say? I'm him.
Ready? Yeah. Okay.
I'm him. Ready? Like, what's up, Bob? You wanted to meet today? Yeah, dude.
Number one, all right? I don't even know why I'm friends with you, dude. What? We've been friends since we were at this school.
I understand that, but we're friends, right? Are we not? We're best buds as far as I'm concerned. Yeah, and I love you, right? I love you too.
Right. See this on my hand? Yeah.
It's called a gun. Oh my gosh.
Yeah. Why do you have that? If you get on that fucking flight, I'm going to fucking kill you, dude.
All right, got to catch my flight. I mean, somebody's got to talk sensitive.
He doesn't have family members to pin him down and go, bro. These guys never had anything.
They never had love. So they think this could be the one.
These guys never had a normal interaction with a woman. This guy thinks this is the one time he's going to finally win.
That's heartbreaking. It's so fucking heartbreaking, but I can't not stop watching.
I have to watch. I have to watch him fail.
And you know who my favorite, you know when they watch when they- Because we're not caught up, so we're only how many episodes? We're only four episodes in. Okay, well, how about this? You know there's another show where they watch the other members, past members watch the show from bed.
You've seen that, right? Yeah, I've seen that, yeah, yeah. And then my favorite one is, I he's the he's the fat buddha belly guy and she's the pelopino girl that like you know what i'm talking about they're my fucking she makes me laugh so hard yeah she has a good comment for everything yeah the show is phenomenal if you haven't seen it people at home you should watch it watch it yeah it's we're totally caught up with right this guy too you know the all these guys are i feel bad for almost everybody okay so that guy so that guy right there, right? Yeah, this guy that goes to Moscow.
His whole claim is like, I think she's using me. That's, yes.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
That's the fucking exchange. That's the show.
We all know what this exchange is, right? I can't get, you know what I mean? I can't get what I need. Need here.

You can't get what you need.

You want to come here, right?

Swap it up.

We fuck.

Swap it up.

Right?

You give me puss puss, right?

I'll give you a card.

Citizenship.

Citizenship.

Yeah.

Who gives a fuck?

Yeah, well, that's,

like, we don't care in America

when an old guy

dates a young woman.

It's the same thing.

It's a trade-off.

Yeah.

They get what they need.

I don't think it's right. I don't think, I think that this dude right here, especially the same thing.
It's a trade-off. They get what they need.

I think that this dude right here,

the Russian guy, he can get girls here.

Well, so what is his deal then?

Because he's good-looking. Is this guy good-looking? No?

Yeah, look at her face.

No, but he's not ugly.

No, he's not ugly.

He's okay?

Yeah, he's okay.

Yeah, but he's not ugly.

There was a girl in his hometown. Oh, that loved him.
And she's like, yeah, I mean, what's wrong with me? And he's like, I'm gay. And I have to run away because I have to hide the fact that I'm gay.
Or no, it's just that it's like, it's too easy. No, I don't think that's it.
I think he's got some weird, he needs a, I think he needs a, I think he needs a, he needs a control thing. She gets here, right? That's very bright.
Yeah. It's a control thing.
It's a control thing. Yeah.
The other girl is a real relationship. She can leave at any time.
Right. This guy gets this girl to America.
She's stuck. They're stuck.
Yeah. By the way, to go through this process, they have to live together for a certain amount of time.
They have to prove that they're staying together for a certain amount of time. Otherwise, she loses the citizenship.
So he knows and she knows they both have to weigh all these like elements out. She's not dumb.
So she's like, I still want to get to the States. I don't care what it takes.
He can be like, well, I might get drunk and hit her one time. She can't leave.
Yeah. She can't leave.
Especially, I wanted to tell her through the screen, it's like, it's not as if he lives in Nashville Nashville Where does he live? He lives in Tennessee But like In the boondocks A little bit Yeah Right? So I wanted to say that You know what I mean Lady It's just woods out there Well that's where he can kill you Yeah This is the girl that you were talking about Rose That's Rose I always look at fucking Juliana Yeah Jules kind of looks like Rose. And I go, you got here, right, without any of this shit.
Yeah. You should be grateful.
Are you grateful? Yeah. That's pretty impressive.
That does kind of look like you a little bit. Yeah.
When you smile, let me see. Let me see your smile.
Look at that smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do that same face that she's doing. There it is.
That's it. That's it right there.
Yeah. Yeah.
But the thing is, is like this too. It's like when he was asking her about like, I want you to take an STD test.
Yeah. He asked her he wanted to get tested.
Bro, you're not, you haven't had pussy in a decade. Get a little bump.
It's on your dick. Who cares? Who fucking cares? A couple of bumps and an itch.
Also an STD test. He goes, I want you to take an STD test to make sure that you weren't with other partners or whatever.
How about you take a test? I was just going to say. Yeah, you take the test.
Yeah, you take the test. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because you look like this. But also, why wouldn't you just, if she said no, if he said, well, do you know about your sexual status? If she said no, why wouldn't you just go, well, we'll just wear a condom then.
And if she was like, I don't want to wear a condom, then just go, okay, well, then we should just get tested. No.
Fuck her. No condom.
I'm agreeing. I'm saying, if it was that big of a deal to this guy, what was he scared of? When you look like that, right, and you have a 23-year-old girl, throw the dice.
I like the guy. I got to tell you.
I do like him. I'm not being too mean.
He's a very likable guy. The whole show is filled with very fun lovable people yeah I just feel bad sometimes for Rose I know I feel bad for these girls because I know when he goes to kiss her yeah it gave me the chills and what I feel bad is that it's like when a serial killer pets the victim's head before they kill him it gave me me chills in my chest.
Yeah, it's also like I feel

bad that when she's like on the bottom

and he's on top and she

wants to put his... She goes,

I want to put my hand around

his neck. He asks her,

put your hands around my body.

And she can't.

She doesn't know which part is what.

I can't do it.

I can't. Because his neck and his stomach are the exact same.
I can't do this. I can't.

Because his neck and his stomach are the exact same.

I can't.

You're a bowling pin.

Yeah.

Wow.

Hey, do you want to hear our boy Andres?

He has got material.

Do you want to hear it?

Yeah.

Oh, he's unavailable.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's a ton.

The nerve out of this guy.

Yeah.

Let's call this moron and see what he's got to say for himself. Wow, unavailable, huh? Look at how nervous you're going to make him.
Bob, yell at him. Bob, yell at him.
Seriously, get really upset. Hello? Hey, dude.
It's Bobby. Hey.
Hey, what the fuck? Do you not work for us? Yes, I do. Then when we fucking call, you're not gonna fucking pick up the fucking line, dude? What do you mean? I just, you just call.
No, we tried to fucking hook up with you online to do the standup, dude. What the fuck, man? Uh, Huh? We're fucking shooting now, you fucking guy.
I've been here waiting since three, staring at my computer blindly, waiting for you, Bobby. That's what you fucking say, but we fucking, I mean, I get it, dude, but you got to be more on the ball, dude.
Okay. We're just fucking around.
Andres! Yeah? Oh, he's sad. He made him sad.
I'm sad now. We're going to do the stand-up next week.
Do you want to do it this week? No, we'll do it next week... Bobby was joking around, Andres.
I just want you to be more natural and not do like ba-bump-bump jokes and just talk about, you know what I mean? Your day or whatever, you know? I had a good set prepared for you guys. What'd he say? I don't know what he's saying.
What'd he say? What'd you say? I have a really good set prepared for you guys. He has a good set.
I want to see. I want to hear it.
He prepared it for us. All right, let's do it.
Andres, I'm going to call you and then we'll do the video, okay? Okay, you're FaceTiming me, right? You want me to FaceTime you? I'll FaceTime your phone, okay? Okay. Okay, hey, Andres.
Yeah. Say, I love you.
I love you guys. Okay, we'll call you right now.
You really, that fucking hurt his feelings in the weirdest way.

Andres the fancy bee Rosende.

Okay, here we go.

There he is.

Oh, look at it.

Wow.

Sweet boy.

Hi, bud.

Hey, buddy.

Oh, we can't hear you.

Why can't we hear you?

Look at that hairline.

Can you hear us?

No.

No.

This is funny.

Yeah.

He's like...

His mic is shaped like a fucking...

Give us a thumbs up if you can hear us.

Oh, yeah, we can't hear you, though. We can't can't hear you no I'll tell you when we can hear you how long do you think we could do this for and the audience will watch us trying to connect with him 15-20 minutes I think they're out now you think they're already gone yeah alright let's okay oh how about Andres Andres we have a fix because it's not.
So stand back a little bit and then stand right there and put the mic up to your mouth. And then we'll do the, no, a little bit, yeah, right there.
And then we'll do the jokes for you and you just mouth it, okay? All right, here we go. Hey, everybody.
I am Andres. I am from Spain.
How's everybody doing tonight? I hope everybody... Just keep moving your fucking mouth, Andres.
How's everybody doing today? So, listen. I just got back from traveling overseas.
And boy, are my arms tired. And my immune system because of COVID.
This guy knows,

this guy,

this guy in the front right here,

this guy I'm pointing to right now,

he knows what I'm talking about.

I'm Spanish and there's difference

between Spanish and Mexican.

We only fry our beans once.

We don't refry it twice.

That was good shit.

I'm sad we can't hear any of these jokes. I don't know why why the mic isn't working but we wanted to hear all these jokes you had prepared what happened? we can't hear you, yeah, poor bastard alright, well anyway, good, good, good Andreas it's good, let's get the fuck out of this thank you, thank you, we love you we're sorry that this didn't work we'll get you next week, Bobby says sorry and thank you he was kidding tell him you're kidding i love you andreas i really do i love this guy we love you baby he's a good dude bye sweetheart best i just oh i also want to mention that um yeah you know my agent said that we probably won't be going on the road until 2021 and how do you feel about that uh super bummed actually we you and i had a little talk off the air about it um i don't want to spread rumors to make people get weirded out yeah but i think the truth of the the unfortunate truth of that bob and i talked about is we were going to do shows together no i mean we we had gigs lined up with callen and shaw yeah but we were just going to do and do a tour with a tour with with just us.
And that wasn't going to be until maybe beginning of the year next year anyway. But now we're going to have to see what happens.
But I don't know, man. I really don't think we're going to be doing anything until next year.
Hey, Jules, when we do go on the road, though, you know that if him and I go on the road, that you have to go. Yeah, you're coming.
You have to sell merch. And also all the fans will know who you are.
Yeah, you do have to come. You have to come.
Will you? We'll fly you out. We'll get you a hotel room the whole thing.
You live like a fucking queen. Yeah.
You'll fly out. You'll have a nice hotel.
You get to eat and drink whatever you want. But I have school.
Fuck school. That's insane.
That's a fucking crazy talk. What are you going to learn from school that you can't learn from us? Tell me something you're learning right now that you don't think I could teach you.
Biology. Biology.
Yeah, yeah. Chemistry.
Chemistry. Biology.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Buns and burners.
Biology. The buns and...
Oh, what are you learning right now in biology?

What's one thing you're learning right now?

We're learning about mutations.

Gene mutation?

I have one.

Red hair.

That's a gene mutation.

Or fuck it.

Watch X-Men.

X-Men.

That's another gene mutation.

Watch X-Men and watch Planet Earth with Attenborough.

David Attenborough.

Okay, so we got that covered.

What else?

We got that.

Done.

History.

Go ahead.

We're learning about the Cold War.

Oh, man.

Have you ever seen...

It was frozen.

It was cold.

That's when everything was frozen,

and we were chasing the Russians

because we wanted to get to the moon first, right?

Watch Eastern Promises,

whatever that movie is.

Eastern Promises, yeah.

Where they fucking stab each other in fucking spas.

Yeah, you need that.

What else?

Is there something else you're learning?

That's all. Yeah, well, covered.
So you? Is there something else you're learning? That's all.

Yeah, well, covered.

So you're coming with us on tour.

Can she do five up top?

What, five stand-up?

If we write jokes for you, will you open the show?

No.

I'm just going to cry.

Wait, no, you wouldn't?

She won't do it.

I'm just going to cry.

Yeah, yeah.

How about this?

Get my closer to the mic, Jules.

Fuck.

If you open the show for us, we'll give you $500.

And all you have to do is walk out, open the show.

How many people do you think would be in our shows?

Who knows after all this fucking shit.

We could probably draw about 600, 1,000.

1,000 maybe?

Who knows?

Yeah.

I don't know.

So only 1,000 people would be there.

That's not a lot.

That's fine.

We could do a smaller one just to try it out at first. A room yeah 250 or 300 would you want to do that i don't know i never five hundred dollars cash i've never tried that look at she's sweating she's sweating she's sweating can you let's we'll give you bob will give you a joke we'll write the joke yeah you don't write the jokes but i don't know how to how to say it and make people laugh i know but but the thing is that you have to go in knowing that you're not going to get them to laugh.
Right. You know it's going to be, you already know, people are already going to know that it's going to be your first time.
And that they already know that, right? So no matter what happens, who cares? Yeah, who gives a shit? Don't you think that's fine? Maybe. Yes! That's a yes to me.
You're going to do it. You're going to fucking do it.
You're going to get paid. You're going to be a performer.
We could get you some spots at the store, too, eventually. No? So hopefully we'll be able to go on the road soon.
But if we'd go on the road in the summer, you could go on the road? God, I hope. It would be so good.
But wait a minute. Aren't you done? Isn't school done for you? No, she's in school now.
No, I mean, I'm saying, but when is it over? When are you done? End of May. So May.
Yeah, but in May. She's only a junior.
Oh, I thought you were last year. Oh, shit.
Yeah. But you're 18? Aren't you a senior when you're 18? No, but she's from the Philippines.
Oh, so you're older and cool. Does everybody love that in your class?

Is that cool that you're older than them?

They don't know.

They don't ask about my age.

No?

Do you have a lot of good friends in school?

I don't know a lot.

She's that quiet, mysterious girl.

She's very nice and sweet?

No, she's just kind of like, you know.

She's Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club.

Cute.

Yeah, I mean. Do you make any good friends in school? Do you have any good friends Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club.
Cute. Yeah, I mean...

Do you make any good friends in school?

Do you have any good friends?

I know, like, three people.

Girls? All girls?

Two guys and one girl.

Jesus Christ.

Bobby, what are you letting her do?

She's not.

This girl is a fucking...

You're not...

No boys are trying to date...

Are they trying to date you?

No.

They better not, because you know Tito...

You know what'll fucking happen.

I'll fucking kill them.

Tito will fucking murder these dudes.

Oh, fuck.

So the two boys and the girl, are they American or are they foreign? American. Do you have any foreign friends? No.
Good. Stay away from them.
Yeah. You want to succeed in this country? Listen, don't think about it, Jules, but you will be going on the road with us when you can.
No doubt. When you can and then you'll sell merch, right? Yeah.
You can tell your teacher it's like an internship. Yeah, it is.
So you can get out of school. She'll do it.
Because at this point, if you're going to continue to do this, right, people are going to know who you are. Yeah.
And you're a part of the show now. Okay? Yeah, because we got the vote.
We got literally – there was a poll that I didn't even put up. 98.6% of people preferred you over George.

No, really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

98.6%.

98.6%.

In that seat, they said...

You're doing it from now on.

You know that, right?

Yeah.

Get closer to the mic.

Yeah.

All right?

You're doing this from now on, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

Or let's say, thank you for being a...

Hey.

Yeah.

Two things.

Yeah.

Love you. Love you, too.
Thank you for being a hey yeah two things yeah love you love you too

thank you for being

a bad friend Thank you.