Three Hundred Hussies

Speaker 1 By the time I hit my 50s, I'd learned a few things. Like how family is precious.
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Speaker 1 Sponsored by GSK. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 And through this fucking asshole, because he told me that our friend had

Speaker 2 HIV. I said he had HIV.
Oh, shit. HIV.

Speaker 2 Look,

Speaker 2 I told you he had HIV. Yeah.

Speaker 2 To get your attention. I got your attention.

Speaker 2 Let me just let people know what happened. Okay.

Speaker 2 So I'm outside with my dogs. You know, I'm having a good day.
Very sunny, good day. You know, it was after the rains.
It was nice. It was real nice.

Speaker 2 And I get a call from Red Man over here, and he goes,

Speaker 2 I have something very important to tell you. And I go, I'm listening.
Because when, you know, when your friend opens up like that, your ears, you you know. Yeah,

Speaker 2 my eyes are squinny, but my ears are squinny. But when I hear stuff, my ears, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Yeah. Like a cartoon.

Speaker 2 Hello? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What happened? And

Speaker 2 you go, seriously, you know, Alex. Alex is our ad guy.
He works with us doing ads for the show. Right.
And he said,

Speaker 2 man, Alex thought he had the coronavirus.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 And he went to get tested, but they did some blood work. Because they s found something abnormal.
Abnormal, right? And it came back that he has HIV, so he's no longer our ad guy.

Speaker 2 And he's no longer our ad guy.

Speaker 2 And he has to go to Yuma, Arizona. Yuma, Arizona.
Yeah, yeah, you know. And to get some sort of testing.
Because that's where the facility is. That he needs for you.

Speaker 2 I don't know that. Yeah.
Yeah. I don't know that.
Not a real thing. So then

Speaker 2 he talks to me about some other kind of business.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So then we hang up the phone.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, tears are welling up in my eyes.

Speaker 2 Like I'm shaking. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Like, oh my God, I got to tell Kalila. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You did tell her right away. She's texting me.
Yeah. So I go to Kalila and I go,

Speaker 2 you know, Alex, he has HIV.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 And then I tell her the information, but then the tears quickly went away. Yeah.
Because I wanted to go play Witcher 3 downstairs.

Speaker 2 You care about your friends getting HIV for four seconds? It was a good eight seconds. Okay.
Went down to play adventures and cave trying to find the sword that I want.

Speaker 2 Did you find the sword that you needed? No. Okay.
And then Kalila texts me because, you know, I live in a very big house. So she has to.
Oh, yeah. She has to text me.
Yeah, we know. Yeah, downstairs.

Speaker 2 Right, Jules? We're killing it.

Speaker 2 Well, she's not. She's just living there.
She does live there. And she's going to get the house when you guys have to move out.
When you guys get evicted, aren't you taking over the house, Jules?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is an ungrateful little Philippine. She's going nowhere.

Speaker 2 She's staying in your your house forever. She will be with you for the rest of time.
Yeah. You know, we've been watching 90 Day Fiancé.
Love it. Hold on.
Finish your story. All right.

Speaker 2 Let me finish the story.

Speaker 2 So you're in the basement. Kalila texts you and says, what?

Speaker 2 You fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 He doesn't have HIV, you fucking idiot. I go, he does.
Andrew called me, and he said he had to give. Yeah.
And she goes, no, he's just joking. So then I called you and then you laugh.

Speaker 2 My point is, is this.

Speaker 2 Why would you think I'm?

Speaker 2 My point is, is this, is, is that when you prank somebody and you say stuff like that, at the end of the phone call, you go, I was just kidding. You don't let it, you don't let it fucking live.

Speaker 2 How would you not know that I was kidding? I wasn't, it was so obvious I was joking around. People can give, right? People, no,

Speaker 2 not anymore. Yeah, we know a guy that has it.
I know, but he got it in like 86. He has it.
I know, but no one gets it. You know how I know he has it? I've never gave him a hug.

Speaker 2 You won't touch him? No, I do. I do.
Do you ever see it? Oh, you don't. Well, you don't use drugs.

Speaker 2 But my point is that...

Speaker 2 Would you share a drink with him if you were like, could I get a sip of that? If he was like, can I get a sip of that? I'm really thirsty. Would you give him a sip? Of what? Like, if I had a Coke?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But no strap.
Oh, yeah. I would go, yeah, here you go.
And then you. He would give it back, and I would just hold it

Speaker 2 until he walked away. Until he walked away.
I'd shh. Yeah.
Dump it out. I'll get a new number.

Speaker 2 No, seriously.

Speaker 2 I told you that he had HIV to get your attention, got it, and then I asked you the business thing. It's not, it's not, you know.

Speaker 2 No, because when I ask you business stuff, when I ask you stuff about the show,

Speaker 2 you go like this, ready? Yeah. You're me, I'm you.
So, so

Speaker 2 call me and be act me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Had all. Because that's how you always open.
100%. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Had all, pop-a. And then you go,

Speaker 2 hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 2 That's how I do it. Yeah, you go, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?

Speaker 2 And then what do I say? I said, you go, um, give me any business thing. Like, we need to do this.
So anyway, um, so the, you know, the mics, we got to get new mics.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I don't care, don't care.
I got to go. I got to go.
That's what I do every fucking time. Do I talk like that? Yeah,

Speaker 2 see,

Speaker 2 I fucking love you. You do.
So, so if I can't get your attention, if I've got to talk a real business thing, that I was like, he's never going to take this seriously. And it was a long conversation.

Speaker 2 So I told you that the ad guy got HIV because I knew it would get your attention. But from now on, right? Now it's

Speaker 2 anything. Right.

Speaker 2 If... Chris DeLia gets in a car accident and you call me that he's in a pair, he's paralyzed.
Yeah. I'd be like, ha ha ha ha.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I would laugh too. Oh, yeah, I would too.

Speaker 2 Love you. Let's show that.

Speaker 2 Delia sent Bobby a video. Yeah, so last night, you know, let's play the video.
No, but let me explain it first. Okay.
So last night, I'm having a great day.

Speaker 2 I'm downstairs playing Witcher 3, just going on some adventures, trying to find another sword. And then I get a

Speaker 2 text from this piece of shit. Yeah.
Go ahead, play it. Here's what Dalia's text to Bobby was.

Speaker 3 My special came out.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's killing.

Speaker 4 You should do one, you know?

Speaker 2 Get it together.

Speaker 4 You fucking do one already.

Speaker 2 But you don't, you know?

Speaker 2 and you won't

Speaker 2 because you're a pussy.

Speaker 2 Let's criticize the way he looks, though. Okay, number one, Chris Delia.
All right.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 What a weirdo. Okay.

Speaker 2 Look at this. Yet, look at this, though.
Yet another, look at this face. Yet another goofball tattoo from Chris.

Speaker 2 A paper airplane. Dumb.
He's three for three on bad tats. Right.
His lips are like. Remember that

Speaker 2 amphibian character in Hellboy? Oh, yeah. He has his lips.
He does. Yeah,

Speaker 2 they're always wet. Yeah.
Dahlia's lips are always fucking wet. Soaked.
Soaked.

Speaker 2 You know why? Why? Because he does this all the time. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that what he does? All the time. I see him lick his lips all the time.
Oh, that's what it is. He wants wet lips.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He wants to be wet lips. Let's call him wet lips from now on.
So wet lips sent you this text. Did you text him back? Yeah, I texted him.
I'll show you what I texted him. I go.

Speaker 2 Because he sends me videos like this all the fucking time, and I get so angry. I don't know why.
Well, he does. He sends me that video.
I just said, I'm going to hurt you.

Speaker 2 What did he say? I think he never responded. Yeah.
In fact, he didn't hurt you then, did he? Yeah. I mean, one time he sent me a video of, Aren't my dogs cute?

Speaker 2 Ugh. So he has two dogs.
Does he have three? I thought he had three. Whatever.
Two or three dogs just running around being cute, but they're running on top of a pile of money. Yeah, that's hilarious.

Speaker 2 That's so funny.

Speaker 2 He does does stuff like that. He does.
Yeah. Well, he's a richy-rich guy.
Yeah. He's the

Speaker 2 he is he's secretly probably one of the richest friends we have, don't you think?

Speaker 2 I mean, if I were to guess, he's not the richest. No, no, but I'm saying he's he's up there, though.
He's up there. He's in the top.
I think that the richest one we know is Sebastian. By far.
By far.

Speaker 2 Right. That's not even, it's not even close.
Sebastian's by far the richest, right? We went to his house. What are you calling?

Speaker 2 White Lips.

Speaker 2 Let's see what he's got to say about himself.

Speaker 2 If he can pick up, you know this guy? Yeah. He might be too.

Speaker 2 You've met him before, right? You know, Chris, yeah. Do you like him? You like his comedy?

Speaker 2 I don't watch it. You don't watch comedy.
That's coming. Talk in the mic.
Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message. Jules, where you talk in the mic and go, hey, hey, go, hey,

Speaker 2 speak only

Speaker 2 in Filipino and say, hey, it's me. I've never been a fan of you or your comedy.

Speaker 2 Will you? Yeah, great.

Speaker 2 Or press one for more options.

Speaker 5 Hi, Kuya.

Speaker 5 Tiku gana hans kaayo se mung

Speaker 5 comedy pero. Angimung nang anasi titu babi angimo dang lips.
Kai dako na kayo uni weird kayo pero anas kuya andreunga kamosta.

Speaker 5 Okay, bye.

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 2 What did you just say?

Speaker 5 I said that Tito Bobby said that you have a big lips.

Speaker 5 And I don't like your comedy.

Speaker 5 And Queando said hi and bye.

Speaker 2 Okay, good. That was very good.
That was so good.

Speaker 2 I love you. You're the best.
You're the best. Thank you, Google.
So fucking good. He sends me those weird texts all the time.
That's what he does. His special did come up.
Very funny. Very funny.

Speaker 2 Does beg the question, Bob. Huh.

Speaker 2 When's Bobo going to do one? All right, you know what? We're not doing that right now.

Speaker 2 Okay, no problem. We're not doing that right now.
We don't have to.

Speaker 2 We don't have to.

Speaker 2 You want to talk about something that's been bothering you for a while outside of that? Which is what?

Speaker 2 The podcast by Ken Jong.

Speaker 2 It's not bothering me. It's not? Is it bothering you? Well, you sent me a text that said, it's so fucking annoying that they have a podcast now.
And you said, I hate...

Speaker 2 You said, I hate Joel McHale. If you want to go down this path, I can go down a path that you're not going to like as well.
Don't ever roll your little eyes at me, by the way. Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, hold on, though. Here.
Yeah, yeah. We compiled something.

Speaker 2 We compiled.

Speaker 2 We compiled a little. Yeah.
Bobby Lee or Ken Jong, who sent this tweet?

Speaker 2 Let's see how

Speaker 2 different or close you guys are to having the same kind of tweet sentiments. Because we were looking at the tweets and I was like, hmm.
Maybe they copied us because you guys have similar tweets. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 All right. So

Speaker 2 let's play Bobby Lee Live or Ken Jong. Here we go.

Speaker 2 Sorry, I'll stop the retweets. Got carried away.
Damn you, Coke Zero. Who said that? Bobby or Dr.
Kent?

Speaker 2 Who said that?

Speaker 2 Me? Yeah. I didn't say that.
I don't like Coke Zero.

Speaker 2 That's right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. If any of this is bad, it's all George.
Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 So tired from my private charter flight to New Zealand. Humble jet lag.
Ugh, definitely not me. I take Southwest Airlines.
Middle seat. That's why they love you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm addicted to ramen, y'all and pussy.

Speaker 2 It is something that I would say, but I didn't say that. You didn't? No.

Speaker 2 Yes, you did.

Speaker 2 Yes, you did.

Speaker 2 I said that. April 19th, 2014, you said I'm addicted to ramen, y'all, and pussy.

Speaker 2 All right. Oh, shit.
Holy fuck. I was in a psychedelic band in my early 20s, and I look like Pocahontas.
I'm so glad they kicked.

Speaker 2 That's me. Is it? Yeah, because I was in the psychedelic band.
Yeah, you were. What was the band? We were called Laxton Superb.
You can see a video on YouTube. Laxton Superb? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're going to look that up after we play this.

Speaker 2 No. Have you ever showed anybody that? No, I don't want to show people.
Wait, why? You just said we can look it up on YouTube. On your own.

Speaker 2 You just told everybody. Us.
Oh. People listening on us.
Oh, the fans? Yeah. I know.

Speaker 2 I know it's on YouTube. Laxton Superb? That's what the band was called, yes.
Wow. Why? No, I think that's amazing.
Yeah, it was. And what if it was 21?

Speaker 2 It was a psychedelic band?

Speaker 2 That's what I just said in the tweet. Read it.
Yeah, but was it? Yes, it was. Huh.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Eric Stone Street, I'd rather not talk about it in public, Eric Stone Street. Thank God there's a private direct message and not a tweet.

Speaker 2 That's definitely Ken Jong.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Because he's friends with... I wouldn't, I don't think I would say something like that.
I would be a little bit more crass than that.

Speaker 2 Are you sure? Yeah. Are you sure? Yeah.
Look at me. Yeah.
You sure? Yeah. Okay.
You're right. Yep.
What would you have said?

Speaker 2 I would have said, you fucking fat fuck or something. You know what I mean? Something.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You would have been meaner.
Yeah, yeah, I would have been mean.

Speaker 2 Dear Miley Cyrus, I love you deeply, but passing on Moriah Formica was a criminal. Bye.
That was me. You sure? 100% because I'm a huge fan of The Voice.

Speaker 2 So is he? Yep, I'm a huge, like, I follow them. We've had people on The Voice on time.
No, no, I know. But wait a minute.

Speaker 2 Do you still talk to Mariah Formica? I don't know her. She was just on the show.
But you tweeted out her. Did she not return that tweet? No, you know what's so fucking fucked up?

Speaker 2 Some of them do, but some of them don't. Like, I like American Idol as well.
Yeah, sure. And so I'll follow somebody from America.
What about The Voice? I both. What about the newest one?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm watching the newest one. Yeah, it's good.
It's okay, yeah. The Songwriters one? What do you mean the Songwriters one? They pair up Songwriters with the...
Do you know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 2 You're talking about American Idol. No, dude, they have a brand new one.
There's a brand new show where it's it's like they walk in. It's not the voice then or American Idol.
Oh, yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 It's a brand new show, but it's from the same people. Okay, what's it called? Is it called?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Are we done with this portion or close? Playing the new Cristiano game heads up on my iPhone. This game is addicting.
No, that's not me. You sure? Yeah, I would not play that.
Who's Ken? Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is what I look right before I transform into a mermaid. It's me.
Look at my body. Ken doesn't look like that.
I know.

Speaker 2 Ken has Gollum's body. George did not blur this well enough.
I said, how pixelated is it? Yeah, yeah. It's you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, though, you look good.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Now, is this one of the tubs where you put Jizz on the side? Yep. Sure is.

Speaker 2 This guy roofed me and I woke up in an abandoned building downtown wearing my Genghis Khan outfit. That's me for sure, because I know that that's Andrew W.K.
That is. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What was that from one of his music videos? Yeah, something like that. Yeah.
Very bummed. Frashante left Chili Peppers again.
Probably the greatest guitarist in the past 10 years.

Speaker 2 Billboard Music Awards. That's not me.
Damn.

Speaker 2 George did not do a good enough job. I'm going to quit comedy.
Also, Cheeto Santino is my favorite comedian.

Speaker 2 That's not me for sure. 100%.

Speaker 2 That one is my favorite. That one's my literal favorite.
God damn, I love that so much that that actually is yours. Wait, wait, wait.
That came out when?

Speaker 2 July 12th, 2014. I said that out loud.
I'm going to quit comedy. Also, Cheeto Santino is my favorite comedian.
I bet you you don't remember this night, do you? You remember the night? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, you don't. Yeah.
I'll tell me the night. You left your phone open at the store.
Yeah. We were sitting at the booths.
Yeah. I mean, at the, at, at Mitzi's chairs.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And at the bucket seats. You went up on stage and left your phone on the table.
Uh-huh. I unlocked.
I immediately went to Twitter and tweeted that. Closed your phone, put it back down on the table.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait. Did I know that you had done that? No.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, I think afterwards we had talked about it. Oh, really? Because you had opened your Twitter and you'd been like, what the fuck? What the fuck is this? And you didn't delete it.

Speaker 2 Oh, so you did that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I didn't do that.

Speaker 2 Technically, you did.

Speaker 2 I guess, yeah. But you know, I'll be honest with you.
Yeah. There was a time where I would probably think that you were my favorite comedian.
Well, we, oh, thanks. In the past.
No, I remember when.

Speaker 2 Well, here, well, here's,

Speaker 2 let me give you some honest reference to this. Yeah.
You were talking, you were being very negative and being like, I'm going to quit. I want to quit.
You weren't feeling good.

Speaker 2 You were in a bad mood that night. Because 2014 was a really bad year for me.
Well, so

Speaker 2 you kept saying, I'm going to quit comedy. Yeah.
And I was like, you're not going to fucking, you're not going to quit, Bob. And you kept saying, yes, I am.
I'm going to quit. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So when you kept saying that, and then you left your phone and went on on stage, I tweeted, I was just going to tweet, I'm going to quit comedy. And I was going to say, should I?

Speaker 2 Because I wanted you to see people go, no, fuck no, that's insane. Right, right.
But then I just wrote, I'm going to quit comedy. And then

Speaker 2 yeah. Well, thank you for saying that.
No, because I remember it was. Was it a tough year?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was a fucking tough year, man. That was a really bad year of 2014.
Why? Why? Why 14? I think I was in a relationship with Kalila.

Speaker 2 It was our first year, maybe, of being in a relationship with her.

Speaker 2 And I had nothing going on. I couldn't get any auditions.
I had nothing really going on. Work was bad.
The road was half the rooms were filled. Wow.

Speaker 2 Some places I would go, I would sell like 100 seats. Out of like a 350 rooms.
Yeah, 400 rooms.

Speaker 2 And then I would have to go, you know, you know how you show up to a, I don't, not now, but at that time, you'd have to show up to a gig and then go into the manager's office and go, what can we do?

Speaker 2 Can we just give away tickets? Please. Please.
I remember it vividly. I mean, I remember feeling, I remember showing up and doing that thing where I walk right into the green room.

Speaker 2 I don't say, I don't say anything to anybody. Yeah.
And somebody comes in, like, Hori, I'm like, I'm good. Sorry about that.
I immediately say sorry. Me too.

Speaker 2 And the servers always were like, it's okay, dude. It's okay.
It's not, it's fucking, we're fine. This is fine.
This is.

Speaker 2 And then they do this thing where they go, this is like it, this Thursday, this is like, this is what it's like on Thursday.

Speaker 2 They say that all the fucking time. And they're just trying to be nice to you because they know that it hurts.

Speaker 2 They'll tell you a past comic that's good. They'll go, you know who did really bad on Thursday too? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they'll do that move. Right.

Speaker 2 But but I remember those, it will never leave my chest. So that was happening a lot in 14.
Oh my God. And they would, and then also at the end of the week was the worst where they, where it's payday.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy. You get the check.
Yeah. And then it's like the justifications.
They bring out these paper, you know, the paper. Yeah, they're like, here's how bad you did.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And they give you the numbers and the breakdown, right? So that means,

Speaker 2 so Friday night, we had to comp this many and this and that. Anyway, long story short, here's your $5 check.

Speaker 2 Right. And you're like, and then, you know, you had been there for a week.
Yeah. Right.
And you're like kind of shaking. And you go, thanks for the opportunity.
And you say some bullshit.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And you look like a dummy.
You look like a dummy. And then

Speaker 2 the flight home is always like the most depressing thing. Oh, dude, that night sucks because I go back to the hotel.
I'll probably have something to eat or drink.

Speaker 2 And then just sit around thinking about.

Speaker 2 God, do I want to keep doing this? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You do. You really go, do I want to keep doing this thing? Is this worth it to keep going to these places that...

Speaker 2 But, but, but. What was the worst show? show? I can remember I went to I went to Foxwoods Casino.
Have you ever been to play there? Oh yeah.

Speaker 2 Right. I was in Fox.
Well, I did it one time. Yeah.
And I had a show so bad. It's not around anymore, right? I don't know.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I did a show so bad where there's a curtain. I went behind the curtain.
I laid on my back and I remember crying. During the show? No, after the show was done.

Speaker 2 I could hear the audience leave and I was laying back there just fucking crying. Yeah.
Yeah. It was that painful, so fucking painful.
I mean, I've talked, I've talked about so many of them.

Speaker 2 There was, you know, I'm not going to say the name of the fucking club, but but you know, with that, I'll go with the algae. I don't give a fuck.
I was at.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Which one? I don't want to say because the people that run are so nice. Yeah.
Well, you just said the club.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's true.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So,

Speaker 2 one of some shows I can get this. I can go, you know, you don't have, I don't get a door deal, but just give me 10 grand for the week.

Speaker 2 This is what I used to do. And sometimes they would go, all right, right.

Speaker 2 And at the end of the week, there's these two old couple, an old couple that run, that's been doing it for years. Sure.

Speaker 2 And you can tell that they're distraught. And then the man is like giving me the check, but his hand shaking.
What do you mean? Like he's upset that he's yeah, he's kind of upset. He's like shaking.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 He's like, here you go. I go, what's wrong?

Speaker 2 I wish I'd never said said that. Yeah, you should have just taken the checks.

Speaker 2 We just thought you would do better. And we're just really hitting.

Speaker 2 We're losing a lot of money on this one. Wow.
And I go, and then

Speaker 2 how do you take it from them? Did you take it? No. I would have taken it.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Because they were so, like, they were older. So what did you do? You walked home with them.
No, no, no, no, no. I go, I go, just rewrite the check.
Give me five. That's really nice.

Speaker 2 And they go, oh my God, you're a mensch. And I had to Google what mensch meant.
I remember that. What's mensch mean? You never heard that? No.
You thought it was a racial slur?

Speaker 2 Yeah, gook in Jerusalem. Yiddish.
Yiddish. In Jerusalem? I don't know the language.
This is how it would have gone for me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll be the guy. Yeah.
Here you go, young man. Oh.
Oh, you're shaking there. Are you okay? No, it's.

Speaker 2 It's like a medical condition.

Speaker 2 It's not. No, we're just brand.
There's the check. No, we're just very upset because we're taking a really big hit on the sun and we thought you would do better.

Speaker 2 Man. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Thanks for the time, dude. Appreciate you guys.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 Really? Why? I don't think you would do that. Yeah, I wouldn't take it.
I would take the check. When somebody's visibly distraught and you can tell.
Those places make a ton of money. Not this one.

Speaker 2 This was at a holiday inn. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 Holiday Inn. Why did they agree? They thought they were going to make way more money? Yeah, because, you know, at the time,

Speaker 2 not my business okay but let me we get fucked so much

Speaker 2 we get fucked so much

Speaker 2 so i i don't care i'm just

Speaker 2 oh sorry it's okay it's

Speaker 2 you know a lot of people go thought at the time that bobby was on a show mad tv for eight years yeah We don't really know his numbers on the road, but we just make assumptions that he's going to sell a certain amount of tickets.

Speaker 2 Of course. Right.
I'm doing well now because of the podcasting and because there's just been just a,

Speaker 2 you know, um, because people want to see your great community. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just a different

Speaker 2 agent set that number, right? It doesn't matter, dude. We're still human fucking beings.
And I, I, you know, I don't. Bob, I get it.

Speaker 2 The only way I agree with you here, because I have a heart too, is if it's a mom-and-pop place.

Speaker 2 But if it's a corporate place, I don't fucking care. They make tons of money on.
It was a mom and pop. It's not a corporate.

Speaker 2 All right. So that's it.
I give that credit then. Okay, good.
Because if the if it was the improv, fuck you. Wouldn't give a shit.
Yeah. Funny bone, fuck you.
There's a million. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 When it's a big corporate, if it's a mom and pop, because I have family relations with families that I still love that I work with them on the numbers. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But the problem is so many times corporate clubs fucked us when we were young.

Speaker 2 How many times did you get fucked when you were young by big corporate clubs and they gave you no money? Or you're like, this is how much? I thought we said this is how much. Oh, I got so many.

Speaker 2 I mean, there's clubs today that when my my agent goes, do you want to play the city? I'll go, no. No, fuck that.
And they'll go, why? Because I know what they're going to do.

Speaker 2 The room is going to be sold out. Right.
And then they're going to go, here's $1,500. Yeah.
And then you go, and then they go sold out.

Speaker 2 And then they go, no, I mean, I don't, I think there were some tickets left. Yeah, I don't know if it was all.

Speaker 2 And I know people are going, well, $1,500 is a lot of money. You have to understand that, you know, we fly ourselves there.
We're there for three or four days, right?

Speaker 2 And our agents take 20, 25%, whatever your deal is, right? With taxes, you're making six, 700 bucks. It's just not worth it.
No,

Speaker 2 you walk away broke. People don't really broke.
Yeah, because all your money has gone through either taxes and agents' payouts, and you're living not at home. So you're eating out every day.

Speaker 2 It's not like you're cooking food.

Speaker 2 Then you go back to your fucking hotel. And I also want to say this: is that people go, well, you comedians get paid a lot.
You have to understand that for the first 10 years,

Speaker 2 I did thousands and thousands and thousands of shows for nothing. For nothing.
No money. For nothing.
I lived with nine dudes in a one-bedroom apartment in Silverlake for years. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We'd have to grind it out just to get a meal a day. I mean, I went through it.
So it's like when people try to, you know, go, well, you're not grateful. It's like, go fuck yourself.

Speaker 2 No, you're very grateful. No, you're very grateful.
Yeah. Yeah, because you lived through the thing to get to the place.
Right.

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Speaker 2 uh when i was 28

Speaker 2 no you were 28 years old the first time you yeah 28 when i lost my virginity how because i oh because i was afraid of sex until then so i dry humped i only would dry hump really yeah so you would do like high school moves in your 20s?

Speaker 2 Because I was scared of sex. So I would do, I would say, would you mind if we could take our pants off?

Speaker 2 Don't laugh at me.

Speaker 2 That's not fun. This isn't funny.
It's joy. It's joy.

Speaker 2 Okay, so I would say, could you take your whenever we would take our pants off, and I'd say, leave your underwear on, and I'd leave my underwear on, and I just would kiss and I'd grind up, but I'd do a dry hump.

Speaker 2 And then you would come through the underwear? I would come on in the underwear, all over it.

Speaker 2 and then I usually go home with so what was the first time you fucked then

Speaker 2 when I was 28. So what happened? Give me the situation.
First time I fucked? Yeah. Craigslist.
I ordered a girl off Craigslist. Are you lying right now? Yes.
I know you are.

Speaker 2 I know you are. I was 15.
You fucking asshole.

Speaker 2 Why'd you do that?

Speaker 2 Oh, is that fun? It's fun. But the first time, by the way, the first time I do remember busting a nut with a girl was a dry hump.
Yeah. When I was 12 or 13.

Speaker 2 And holy shit. Felt good.
Oh my God. Yeah.
I was soaked.

Speaker 2 I was soaked in cum. And I walked home with my cum-soaked underwear.
And it was like the best moment of my life. The best sex.
I thought that was the pin. I was like, this is it.

Speaker 2 And then you feel sex for real. And you're like, well,

Speaker 2 this is going to ruin my life.

Speaker 2 The best sex I've had was with my girlfriend, Kalila.

Speaker 2 But the second best sex I've ever had was in Beirut. Really? Did I ever tell you that story? No.

Speaker 2 So this is crazy. So I go to Beirut with Sebastian Monascalco.
Yeah, for the troops? And Eric Griffin. No.

Speaker 2 We did shows for, I'm not kidding you,

Speaker 2 Hezbollah.

Speaker 2 When was this?

Speaker 2 Years ago. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But so we did this whole run.

Speaker 2 Before Sebastian was Sebastian. Oh, yeah, yeah.
No one knew who was Sebastian. It was a guy at the store.
It was just a guy at the store, and Eric Griffin was just this fat black-eyed.

Speaker 2 Come on, Bob.

Speaker 2 No, you both very funny. Yeah.
Many years ago.

Speaker 2 But we had done this fucking Middle East run.

Speaker 2 So I don't know if you know this, but in the Middle East, if you go on the internet and try to download porn, you can't. They block it, yeah.
They block it, right?

Speaker 2 So then it's like, and I've always masturbated through pornography. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I, for a month, I didn't masturbate at all. You just, I couldn't.
So it was just, and then I kept saying to the tour guys, I go, why don't we go to Beirut?

Speaker 2 Because I knew that I could have a prostitute. You could have freedom there, yeah.
Yeah. And they're soon, three weeks, I would like to have a calendar and just mark it.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And then we go to Beirut. And so we go, and there's this guy named Camille.
And he's like our friend. And he's running the shows, right?

Speaker 2 He's like promoting it, you know, through his production company or whatever. And he lived in this gigantic white mansion.
As soon as we walked in, there was like Uzis on the table. Shut up.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not kidding. I love this.
Right. And then like

Speaker 2 on the corner of this fucking place, Danny Masterson is eating spaghetti. What? Yeah, and his brother.

Speaker 2 I remember this. This is like a Luminati shit.
This is crazy, right? Wait, why? How did they go?

Speaker 2 Because he's, since he's has a production company, they're also doing a rave or something like that, and Danny Masterson's DJing.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay. So they hired him to come.
Right. Okay.
It's not like he's Hezbollah.

Speaker 2 Well, no, we're all just there

Speaker 2 because of this guy. Sure.

Speaker 2 So I go right up to Camilla and I'm just like shaking. and I'm like

Speaker 2 where do I get the prostitutes

Speaker 2 I'm gonna explode you know he's like oh you want to go yeah yeah yeah yeah and he goes um

Speaker 2 super disco

Speaker 2 that's what he says to me super disco super disco I go what the fuck is a super disco and he goes that's where the prostitutes are Oh, and I go, well, can we go now?

Speaker 2 He's like, no, we got to go an hour into the desert. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 So I go, when, when? He goes, tomorrow. We'll go.
We'll go to Super Disco. And then Masterson goes, I want to go.
I'm not going to have.

Speaker 2 He's not that way. But they just wanted to check it out.
I would want to check it out. Yeah, he just wanted to check it out.
Yeah, I want to see it. He wanted to see it.

Speaker 2 But he didn't do anything with his brother. So

Speaker 2 if you're in Beirut, every other street, there's a tank.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah, yeah.
And a 12-year-old with a machine gun. Yeah.
Right. And then yet they have to stop.
And then it's it's like, you got, you know, passports. Show me your papers.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And all that stuff. Yeah.
So you're going out there. You're going out there.
It takes forever to get out there. You go out in the desert.
And all of a sudden, you see these three buildings.

Speaker 2 They look like skyscape scrapers. In the middle of the desert.
In the middle of the desert. And above them is like these, like, you know, like circus, you know, like circus circus.
Like.

Speaker 2 It's a super disco, but in that kind of font. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right? Yeah. And then like bright lights.
And bright lights.

Speaker 2 And we go, we go

Speaker 2 downstairs. And it's like, you know, have you ever been to a shitty theater where it's like just black? They have no, you know, I mean, there's no set decorating.
It's just black boxes.

Speaker 2 It's a black box theater, yeah. Yeah, black box theater, right? That's what it looked like.
In the basement of this beautiful theater.

Speaker 2 In this beautiful basement, it's black, you know what I mean? And maybe a couple of, like, you know, those 70s, like

Speaker 2 disco balls, right?

Speaker 2 And it's like this music is playing, and the women are just walking in a circle.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're just wandering around, just pretending that they're partying, but you can tell that they're just sex slaves. Slaves.

Speaker 2 Sex,

Speaker 2 right? And also, they didn't, to me, I was just like, this is too sad. It was very, that sounds fucking miserable.

Speaker 2 He was a prison. Yeah.
So, so you. So then I go to Camille.
I go, I don't know. Is there a happier place? Like a super, super disco?

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 And he goes, no, no, no, dude, I know, I know the girl.

Speaker 2 I've been here before. I know the girl.
Okay. So he disappears, right? He comes back with this Moroccan lady, right?

Speaker 2 Her name is Julia, but she look like a dark Julia Roberts. No.
I'm being serious.

Speaker 2 As soon as I saw her, my dick just went, you know what I mean? Yeah. It went like this, right? And a little, like a little juice squirted out at the top.

Speaker 2 It was like, oh. And he goes, This is Julia.
And I go, Hi, nice to meet you.

Speaker 2 You know, and she's, you know, when women first see me, they make a face. Yeah.
Yeah, they go like that. Makes sense.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. So, um, I go, what do we do now? Or I don't know, how's it work? You know what I mean? And he goes, no, you got to come back tomorrow.
What? Check this out.

Speaker 2 You got to come back tomorrow and you got to take her on a date.

Speaker 2 You have to take a prostitute on a date? I go, what the fuck? I don't know the language. I don't know Moroccanese or any of this shit.

Speaker 2 moroccanese i don't know any of this right he goes it's not really a fucking it's just illegal right so you have to just show up here right go through the motions of it and but it's gonna i go okay so i wake up the next day and i go camille let's go he goes no you're going on your own

Speaker 2 out to the super just go by yourself yeah an hour in the desert by myself nope i go by myself he goes don't look at this piece of paper so he puts a piece of paper right

Speaker 2 on the top it says julia

Speaker 2 202.

Speaker 2 Johnny said it was okay.

Speaker 2 That's what it said. Johnny said it was okay.
Well, Johnny said it was okay. I go, who's Johnny? He goes, don't worry about it.
Just give him the paper.

Speaker 2 So I go in the cab, and I remember this

Speaker 2 cab driver, he goes, hey, you want to see my new tattoo? I go, yeah. He pulls up his shirt.
It's a full-blown

Speaker 2 Adolf Hitler tattoo. Shut Shut up.
On his fucking stomach. In Beirut? In Beirut.
Had a fucking, had Hitler doing this sick high? Yeah, I have no idea. Wow.
So I'm scared. And then now...

Speaker 2 I feel safe for some reason.

Speaker 2 And also, and every stop point,

Speaker 2 right? It's harder because I don't know the language. It's not like Camille could talk to these people.
Yeah. So it's just, it just takes longer.
Would you have to keep saying super disco?

Speaker 2 No, I didn't say anything. You can't say that.
So what is the taxi guy does it? Yeah, he's like, you know, he's going to go visit. I don't know what he's saying, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So we go out there and the taxi, it's during the day now. It looks completely different.

Speaker 2 It's just desert and just like 1970s Soviet-looking buildings.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. And he drops me off and he goes,

Speaker 2 he just drives away. Yeah, he knows.
Right. And I go, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 And I walk in there

Speaker 2 and there's a table, a long wooden table off to the side. And there's

Speaker 2 probably about 10 Russian dudes, Russian, right?

Speaker 2 Drinking Turkish coffee, smoking cigars, and they all have the guns. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Right? Yeah. And they're just, as soon as I walk in, they go, they just stare.

Speaker 2 And I'm shaking, Andrew. The paper is just...
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 And I go to the front desk, and

Speaker 2 there was a doorway like that, right? But you know how in the doorway, sometimes they have those like

Speaker 2 wooden beads, or whatever the beads. I fucking hate those.
Yeah, so this giant, a guy, a Russian twice the size of these guys, walks through this fucking thing.

Speaker 2 What do you want?

Speaker 2 I go, oh, what?

Speaker 2 He was also Dracula.

Speaker 2 That's how I hear. Well,

Speaker 2 and I go,

Speaker 2 Julia, 202.

Speaker 2 Johnny said it was okay.

Speaker 2 That's what I said, right? And he goes, who's Johnny?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I go, good question.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 And I ran out of the fucking building. What? Yeah, and I called Camille Camille because we have these makeshift throwaway phones.
Right, right, right. Burner phones.
Burner phones.

Speaker 2 And I go, that's not Johnny. So I want to give me a cut.
There's no Johnny.

Speaker 2 There's a fucking Johnny, dude. He's my friend.
Go back in there.

Speaker 2 We're going to fight. I'm not going back in there.
So I go back in there. But now the guy's still behind the counter.
Like this.

Speaker 2 Huge. Huge.
And these guys are just staring at me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I go back and I go,

Speaker 2 Julia, do two.

Speaker 2 Johnny said it was okay.

Speaker 2 And he looks at me and he goes, I'm Johnny.

Speaker 2 And then everyone starts laughing. Ah!

Speaker 2 Right, right? Right?

Speaker 2 And I'm laughing too. Like, I thought I was going to die.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And so then

Speaker 2 he goes, here's your keys, right? Camille took care of it, you know?

Speaker 2 Every single range. Oh, he paid? Yeah, he paid for it.
And he goes, and he gave me two remote remote controls. One for the, I remember, one for the air conditioning and one for this, the TV remote.

Speaker 2 I know, it's weird. They don't leave them in the room? No, no, they don't.
So I have two remotes and then I have keys. I go to room 202, and it literally is like, you know, the set,

Speaker 2 the room looked like Munich 1972. I mean, just

Speaker 2 70s. Like drab.
But drab. Old.
Not only just old, but very like Soviet 70s. Yeah.
Weird. Yeah, yeah, uncomfortable.
Very uncomfortable. The TV was like, I didn't even know how to turn it on.

Speaker 2 It was so old. Yeah, the remote wasn't for the TV.
Yeah, I don't know what it was for. And I sat there on this couch

Speaker 2 just waiting for this girl. And I waited there probably for an hour and a half.
She wasn't in the room? No. So you just sat in the room? I just sat there, just,

Speaker 2 I looked around a bit. Right.
I looked outside. It was just desert.

Speaker 2 What do you do back then? There's no phones. You're not playing on a phone? No,

Speaker 2 no, I had a makeshift. That's what I'm saying.
So you just sit in silence? I just sat there.

Speaker 2 And then I get a knock on the door.

Speaker 2 And she comes in.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 she doesn't speak English. Of course.
And she just goes, she grabs my hand. We just sit on the couch.

Speaker 2 I'm just sitting there.

Speaker 2 I don't know what to say. And then she starts licking.

Speaker 2 kissing my neck, right?

Speaker 2 And I'm not kidding you.

Speaker 2 Out of my dick. You came already.
Already a little bit.

Speaker 2 I mean, imagine a month, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 You could hear it.

Speaker 2 Like that, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she goes, okay, come over here. You know, she proposes the bed.
And

Speaker 2 she has condoms out of this purse, right? Put the condom on.

Speaker 2 She put it on for you? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 And she's beautiful. She's hot.
Yeah. We should have asked Rudy to leave the room like an hour ago.
Are you okay? Because Kalila knows a story. You okay with it? Do you judge me for it? No.

Speaker 2 All right. Don't be judgy.
Okay. All right.
She's tired from school.

Speaker 2 She's trying to learn. As soon as I stick it in, I come.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah. I go, ah.
Right away. Right away.
It's like, okay, that's good. You know what I mean? She goes, no, no.

Speaker 2 Four hour.

Speaker 2 He paid for four hours. No, for some reason, you have to be there because of this dating thing for a certain amount of time.
Oh, right. Otherwise, they know it's a prostitute.
Right. Right.

Speaker 2 So I go, four hours?

Speaker 2 But she goes, but we can do as many we want. So you can just keep doing it.
Yes. So you did.
Like 12 times. Really? Oh, my God.
Did you love it? Oh, it was the best.

Speaker 2 What, $200?

Speaker 2 That's all it was? Yes. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. So you just kept going.
You kept going. I mean,

Speaker 2 by the 12th one, you know what I mean? Fourth one. A Visene drop.

Speaker 2 A Visine drop comes out. Yeah.
That's when your dick is like,

Speaker 2 trying. Yeah, yeah.
So wait a minute. How do you say goodbye? I don't.
You just got up and left. Yeah, I just put my clothes on.
Bye-bye. Well, you give him a look, like, and then you leave.

Speaker 2 You waited.

Speaker 2 Hey, you'll never forget me. I'm the guy that comed right away.

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Speaker 2 Have you ever had a prostitute? No.

Speaker 2 You have? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why do you lie? I've had three of them. You have? Three at once.

Speaker 2 Are you lying? Because because of the HIV thing and because you've lied a couple of times on this podcast,

Speaker 2 are you being honest or real? How about this? From now on, especially on this specific podcast, please don't

Speaker 2 lie because I want to be real. I got a hand job in college from a prostitute.
That's it? Yeah, I never had sex. I was so scared to have sex.
That's a scary thing for me. Any gay experiences?

Speaker 2 It was the hand job from the prostitute. It was a guy.

Speaker 2 No, for real, I did get a hand job from a prostitute in college at a party. And you paid them? Yeah, I was so sad.
It was like a frat boy boy party type of shit. And she was like a dancer.

Speaker 2 They hired a girl to come dance, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 a buddy was like, if you give her like 20 bucks, she'll jerk you off.

Speaker 2 And I was like, fuck you. He's like, I swear to God.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, like,

Speaker 2 joking around, joking around. Yeah, yeah.
Dancing with me. She's doing a dance.
Yeah. You know, we're tipping her like she's a stripper, even though we have like $9 to our name.

Speaker 2 And I said, my buddy said, if I give you 20 bucks that you can help me out.

Speaker 2 And she was like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Right now?

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. Wow.
And I was like,

Speaker 2 not in front of everyone. She's like, okay, whatever.
What do you want? I was like, oh, I don't. Maybe it's in the bathroom.
So I go to the bathroom and I sat on the toilet. I was super nervous.

Speaker 2 This is so fucking gross. I'm telling this story.
I sat on the toilet. I just told you.
Yeah, but it's

Speaker 2 but yours is fun and mine's sad. That's both sad.
Well, here we go. Yeah.
I sat on the toilet. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she's like,

Speaker 2 go on the sink like sit on the sink so i sit on the sink and i pull my pants down right yeah and she goes to give me a blowjob and i stopped her who does that i didn't i didn't want she was i how many dicks had she sucked that night i don't know i got nervous can you get aids from a blowjob can you i don't think you can maybe

Speaker 2 i think it's like one percent or something well i didn't want to be the one percent i didn't want to be the one guy that was like mom dad okay i got age from a blowjob at a hooker at school

Speaker 2 yeah Like, think about that funeral. I know.
He was a good man. What year was it, too?

Speaker 2 2003.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Well, you could have survived.
Yeah, yeah. We had medication.
You could have taken the microphone. I'm still nervous.
What's this? The Magic Johnson fucking shit? Money. He had money.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's true. So I just said, can you, what if you,

Speaker 2 my friend said, you'll

Speaker 2 jerk me off. Yeah, yeah.
And she was like, oh, okay, whatever. She couldn't have cared less.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So she started pulling on my dick. Yeah.
No condom. Is there a condom on? No.
Okay. No.
That's why I got nervous. I didn't want the blowjob.
So she's just pulling on me, pulling on me, pulling on me.

Speaker 2 And I was so in my head nervous. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You didn't come? I went soft.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's the saddest story. Get ready.
She kept going.

Speaker 2 She just kept pulling on it soft for like maybe four or five minutes. That's so sad.
And then I said, I got to go. I have to go.
I have to go. That's your story? That was my prostitute story.

Speaker 2 It's the saddest story I've ever heard. There's no ending.
There was. I left.
I know, but that's not, it's like a soft ending. It was very soft.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like,

Speaker 2 it's like the movie Sixth Sense without revealing that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time.

Speaker 2 She's dead now, if that helps. The prostitute is?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. So only one time you've had it.
Yeah, that's such a scary idea. Really? You're not scared? You're not scared of it? You know, it's funny.

Speaker 2 You know, when I...

Speaker 2 So many penises.

Speaker 2 So many penises they've had. Yeah, but if you protect yourself, it's like, you know.
I know, I just, you know,

Speaker 2 I want to be the only bell at the ball. Listen, I understand.
Okay, listen.

Speaker 2 There are times where I do think back at my life and go, why did you behave like that? You know, I don't want to punish myself for seedy behavior. Yeah.
Right. But

Speaker 2 I don't really. But, you know, there is some shame associated to it because, like,

Speaker 2 I'll tell a story on a podcast and I can read the room. Yeah.
And the room going,

Speaker 2 uh-oh. You know what I mean? And then me going, oh, my God.
I'm a weird guy, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm a weird guy? Yeah, but it's a good thing.

Speaker 2 We wouldn't have had that Beirut story.

Speaker 2 We would have just had a story about a guy getting jerked off in a frat room and his penis went soft. But you know how much that hurt my feelings?

Speaker 2 I thought from that day forward I was never going to get an erection again. I went soft while a good-looking girl tugged on my penis.
Yeah. I got so scared.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you know, I understand because we're not going to be able to do that. Really, her adrenaline and pressure.
I was so scared. Yeah, you need to be, sometimes you want to be relaxed.

Speaker 2 And she wasn't even looking at me while she was doing it, which was even more weird. Yeah.
I mean, I have to justify my Beirut thing.

Speaker 2 I don't know if I would have done that if I was able to jerk off, but I couldn't remember for a month, you know, over a month. Yeah.
Right? So it was just all pinned up in me. And I, you know.

Speaker 2 I felt so much peer pressure. For me, it was more peer pressure.
Yeah. Like it would be cool to get a.
Dude, I've lost my erection in front of prostitutes all the time.

Speaker 2 I've really like nine times in my life. Okay.
What's your total prostitute number?

Speaker 2 Me? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Be honest, as close as you can mentally. Because I know you probably forget some.

Speaker 2 I'm going to give you the most honest answer I can. Usually I exaggerate.
Yeah. Or I fumble the number numbers, you know.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Over 300.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Prostitutes?

Speaker 2 Not sexual partners. Women that you paid for sex.
Yeah. And I don't mean 300 times.
I mean 300 different women.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Huh.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Huh? That's a lot. That's that's a fair, that's a heavy amount.
It's not a lot? No.

Speaker 2 I think that's a lot. It's not.
It's not? No. Not 300 times.
300.

Speaker 2 I understand the English language. So

Speaker 2 I don't mean how many times you had to. I understand the English language, and I'm telling you right now, I've had sex with.
What are you Googling?

Speaker 2 What the fuck are you Googling?

Speaker 2 What's the average

Speaker 2 amount of

Speaker 2 prostitutes

Speaker 2 men get?

Speaker 2 Percentage of men by country who pay for sex.

Speaker 2 Just because I want to see the average. I mean, Cambodia is

Speaker 2 killing it. Killing it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 So the United States ranks

Speaker 2 three four five six seventh um

Speaker 2 about about twenty percent of men here get prostitutes 80 of men in cambodia get prostitutes and and what's what's the listen but i want to know the national average of number of prostitutes per man cambodian men are quite ready to admit that they seek the favors of prostitutes let's see what the united states says down here Why are we doing this?

Speaker 2 I just want to.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's like, you know, I try to, I'm honest with you, and then now you're putting facts. I try to rub it in my fucking face.
I'm curious to know if that's an, an if that's

Speaker 2 trying to be up, I was just honest with you,

Speaker 2 okay.

Speaker 2 How much? So, how much money do you think you spent? I don't

Speaker 2 thousands of thousands and thousands of dollars, probably. What's the average cost of a prostitute? I want to say this: okay, that I don't look like you.

Speaker 2 What's the average?

Speaker 2 Look at me right now, you white piece of shit. Look at me, I don't look like you.

Speaker 2 You know, I grew up, you know, I'm older than

Speaker 2 okay.

Speaker 2 What's the average cost of a prostitute?

Speaker 2 2006, it was about $340,000, 14, it was $260,000.

Speaker 2 I guess that's not that bad. So you haven't spent that much.
What's the most you've spent?

Speaker 2 Well, there was a girl in Vegas that I'd spent $1,000 to pop. $1,000 per time? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 How many times did you pop?

Speaker 2 12 times, probably.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 over a series of six, seven years? Yeah. Oh, so every time you went to Vegas,

Speaker 2 you'd see her. Yeah.
And you'd give her around 12 grand.

Speaker 2 Maybe. Hmm.
That's not, well, yeah. If you got it, you got it.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's just a little bit more than the Go Bananas guy gave you, I guess.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's wild.

Speaker 2 But look at me. Look at me when I say this.
I don't give a fuck. Look at me.
Yeah. I'm not judging.
I don't care. It's fine.
I'm just, I didn't know 300 sounds like a lot. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It just sounds like a lot. It may not be a lot.
But okay, I'm 48. Yeah.
All right. And also, you have to understand that.
So if you've been doing it for 20 years,

Speaker 2 when I was in the 80s, right, when I was a young man, right? I graduated high school in 1990. Wow.
I was in all these unrequited love situations where I would have a crush on a girl.

Speaker 2 I would do everything I can for them to like me. I would stay in these like friendships with them for like six months to a year.

Speaker 2 Even when they would date date other than that, and they would date other dudes. And I'd stick around.
I hate that. And

Speaker 2 know, be their friend and supportive. Meanwhile, I'm so jealous, and I don't know what to do because

Speaker 2 I feel so

Speaker 2 I had this negative image of me sexually. I just, when I looked in the mirror, I didn't get who I was.
I don't like that. That's me.

Speaker 2 I know. So, my point is,

Speaker 2 I can name you the women: Ashley Brown, Rebecca Dreskin, Anna B. Eldenis.

Speaker 2 I was just in these relationships where it's just like they, I was in a room with a girl while she was fucking another guy at a party. Cucking.
And I loved her. Cucking.
Yeah. Did you watch? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you listen? I didn't watch. I was just laying down next to them.

Speaker 2 You know, so that's who I was. You laid down next to her and she had sex.
On another bed, but like it was in the same room. And I remember pretending to sleep.

Speaker 2 And I know that she's fucking this other guy. Wow.
Right. And so when you're in these situations.
And so, you know. Did you listen to the whole thing?

Speaker 2 You didn't say anything? When I watch a movie, I'll watch the complete movie, even if I don't like it. This is a bit, but this is

Speaker 2 a really sad movie. I just saw trolls, that cartoon movie.

Speaker 2 What a good film. At any point during the movie, did a troll fuck another troll in front of another troll?

Speaker 2 Yeah. So you had all this

Speaker 2 damage. Yeah, and also I had this poor self-image.
I was sober. Yeah.
You know, I was going to AA meetings. And,

Speaker 2 you know, the first

Speaker 2 woman that ever had sex with me, really,

Speaker 2 that wanted to have sex with with me, is when I was 23.

Speaker 2 I had prostitutes before that, when I was 17. I'd been doing that, but I remembered it distinctly.
I was doring at the comedy store in La Jolla. Timeout.
The prostitutes before that were Tijuana.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. I just wanted to reference.

Speaker 2 You know, I feel like this is, I feel so shameful about this whole thing. Why? You shouldn't feel any shame at all.

Speaker 2 I've talked about it before. It's way back there.
It's in the past. Who cares?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 I remember it. I was doring on a Saturday night.
Yeah. And there was a white chick in the front row.

Speaker 2 And back then, if you were a doorman at the comedy store on a Saturday, you get to host one of the shows. There's two doormen.
I think they still do that. Might on.
They might. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But so I always did the second show.

Speaker 2 And I remember having a, that was a new comic, but I accidentally had a really good set.

Speaker 2 And then it was when Princess Diana died. Oh, how fun.
That was so good. And there was a girl that was visibly, beautiful girl, that was visibly shaken by Princess Diana.
She was crying. Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 I go, why are you crying? You know, when the showroom is leaving. Right.
Because I had to close out the show. So imagine she's in the front row.
I get off stage. The showroom's getting up.

Speaker 2 And we just kind of get

Speaker 2 bundled together. And I just go, why are you crying? She's like, I know, it's a princess die thing.
It's really. And I go, oh, I hope you have a...

Speaker 2 I rubbed her back and I said, I i hope you have a good you know i mean night i hope you feel better you know like some incel fucking desperate bullshit shit yeah right yeah and then i'm fucking cleaning toilets you know i mean afterwards yeah at the store just with a mop you know what i mean

Speaker 2 and fred burns lee these amatters are at the club i go what you have a phone call

Speaker 2 And I go, um, hello?

Speaker 2 And she goes, hey, how was that girl

Speaker 2 that was that you said about the princess diet I go yeah did you lose oh your wallet what what she said no um

Speaker 2 you want to hook up

Speaker 2 I go what

Speaker 2 what do you mean a job offer like I had no idea right and the next thing I know two days later I'm 69 and her in her mom's closet in Oceanside California fun I'm literally her ass.

Speaker 2 I'm eating her pussy, right? How fun. And I'm in a closet and I'm looking up and I couldn't believe it.
How old are you? 23. Wow.

Speaker 2 And then from then on, right, I used, so that's when all the prostitution stopped for me. When you got a real girl? No, when I started doing stand-up.
Right.

Speaker 2 You know, and that once stand-up happened, like, you know, I did Frank Caliando's podcast yesterday, and a bunch of guys were like, you always got hot chicks. Yeah, since I've been doing stand-up.

Speaker 2 Right, before that,

Speaker 2 before, because I didn't have a voice or had no confidence. I didn't know who I was always, this weird Korean dude.
You know me, the way I talk, the way I am.

Speaker 2 Imagine not having comedy, you know what I mean, as your backup, at your foundation, and just me being me, but being a busboy at P.F. Chang's.
You'd be like,

Speaker 2 that's unfuckable. You know what I mean? Yeah, but

Speaker 2 someone's for everybody. You see some really ugly people.
They say that. No, I'm not ugly.
I'm cute as fuck. But my point is that...
You said you felt it. I felt it.
But then...

Speaker 2 by doing comedy and then you know

Speaker 2 you know when you get successful and things happen you slowly have a different image of yourself, right? And then all of a sudden, I honestly feel as sexy as Chris Delia or anybody else. You do?

Speaker 2 Oh, I do.

Speaker 2 Your sex level is as high as that guy's? No, not in terms of ratio. You know what I mean? But what I'm saying, in terms of how I feel about myself,

Speaker 2 is like that. That's great.

Speaker 2 I don't look in the mirror and go anymore, like, oh, look at this fucking weirdo. I go, yeah.

Speaker 2 You go, fuck yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow. And that's over, that's because for over

Speaker 2 20 years, I've been doing this. That's a great place to be.
And I've built my confidence up and I've, um,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 you feel, you feel super, you feel comfortable. That's what it is.
Not just comfortable. I feel like.
But do you ever look at Kalila naked when you're naked? Ugh, get out of here.

Speaker 2 She can't hear this stuff. Yes, you can.
Do you guys ever see each other naked? Do you ever look at her naked and you're like, wow. And then do you ever have a moment of like, oh, boy.
Oh, boy, what?

Speaker 2 Because you look at you and you're

Speaker 2 just different. Never.
Never. Because she's in phenomenal shape.
No. I mean,

Speaker 2 the other day, I like, she wasn't there, but I was erect and I just pulled my dick out in front of her. Just in the broad daylight.
Right. You know what I mean? Right.
What did she do?

Speaker 2 I sent you the photo. Right.
I do remember that photo.

Speaker 2 She sent me the photo, too. I know she did.
Yeah, you both did. You both sent me the photo.
Look, and I wasn't criticizing the prostitute thing.

Speaker 2 I'd like to know if the fans want to answer how many prostitutes they've had. That'd be kind of nice.

Speaker 2 I don't advocate anybody doing that. Yeah.
Right. But, you know.
Why not?

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 if you're in unrequited relationships all the time, right? And

Speaker 2 sex becomes, especially when you're a young man in your early 20s and it becomes, you know what I mean,

Speaker 2 such a,

Speaker 2 you build it up, right? Yeah. And you make it like, you know, your number one priority.
It's the only thing that matters. Right.
What I did was

Speaker 2 I,

Speaker 2 somebody, this old guy, once told me that prostitution is a launching pad.

Speaker 2 And I go, prostitution is a launching pad. Yeah, I feel like that phrase isn't over.
It is over. Yeah, I know.
I mean, it's

Speaker 2 something else needs to be. And then I asked him, and he goes, yeah, just because, you know, once you start having sex, right? It doesn't become as important,

Speaker 2 right? And then it'll ease you into, you know what I mean, other relationships. You'll be more more comfortable.
More comfortable. Basically, it's training wheels.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah, it's also,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 it's like if you're already having it. Yeah.
Right. Then it doesn't become as, you know what I mean? Did you ever fall in love with a prostitute? Did you ever catch feelings? No.

Speaker 2 You never caught feelings once? No. Never once did you go, man, I really actually kind of like this girl.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Wow. No.

Speaker 2 Did they ever catch feelings for you? Did you ever have one that was like kind of attached to you and wanted to see you a lot?

Speaker 2 I've had women that should be prostitutes that had feelings for me. You know what I mean? Yeah.
I've had some weird

Speaker 2 relationships. I've had some weird shit, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, like, like, I can't say her name, but there was this girl that used to work at the comedy store, like, hang out at the comedy store.

Speaker 2 And, like, for years I hit on her. When I was around? No.
Okay. Before your time.

Speaker 2 And then the time I hooked up with her, she bit my fucking thigh so hard.

Speaker 2 Like after she was blowing you. Like she was kissing me, and then she just bit me so fucking hard here that it started bleeding.
I still came. Sure.

Speaker 2 Afterwards, but then afterwards, I was like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 She was like, I was just into it. You know, after I came.
Yeah. Right? So I was doing it and bleeding.
You know what I mean? And she's doing it.

Speaker 2 Why did you do that?

Speaker 2 You know?

Speaker 2 And so, you know, you just weird shit, you know? Yeah. You've been through it.
You've been through it all. Oh, my God.
I'm just so fascinated. I want to know.

Speaker 2 I want to know, like, how the.

Speaker 2 I just want to know how, like, that world works where you get comfortable with prostitutes.

Speaker 2 Because isn't it uncomfortable? No. Not even a little bit.
No.

Speaker 2 Don't you get afraid? What if you're afraid of the cops? Are you afraid of getting caught? What if it's a sting? You know, they have those bust operations you ever seen on that on shows?

Speaker 2 It's like a fat, bald guy, and the prostitute's in a wig. It's so obviously not a real prostitute.
And they're next door in a motel. And they're like, we're going to bust that.

Speaker 2 That's happened to me, Mike. Fuck.
That's what happened to me with Mike Young. And they kicked.
What, what? You and Mike Young? Have I told you that? No. Oh, fuck, man.
What happened? So one night,

Speaker 2 it was like,

Speaker 2 we're at the comedy store, and it's three in the morning. Okay.

Speaker 2 This is probably

Speaker 2 in 2001. Okay.
Okay. 2000.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we were looking through the LA Weekly or whatever, or the LA Wheat Reader or whatever whatever it's called, where they have the prostitutes.

Speaker 2 And we're like, how much money do you have? And I had just booked a commercial. And the commercial money had just came in.
Yeah, what was the commercial? It was El Pollo Loco.

Speaker 2 So El Pollo Loco got you so pussy. Where I had to dance like a chicken in the street.
It was one of those commercials where

Speaker 2 like, you know, it's just everyday life, right? Yeah. Where the cop pulls over.
You know what I mean? The kid from the fucking bench gets up. The cop gets out of the car.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 People just start wandering in the street. and we all start doing the chicken dancing in the street.
And I remember, I remember, I lived in Silver Lake, and I remember the Cholos, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, would see me and go, hey, there's the guy, and they would do the chicken dancing

Speaker 2 in front of me. It was so sad.
Yeah. No, that's that's wonderful.
Yeah. But so, um,

Speaker 2 yeah, so one night we look at the uh weekly LA Weekly, whatever it is, and uh, we find a girl and we call it.

Speaker 2 And it was there was a hotel on Sunset, like a Best Western. Yeah, it's a Best Western right there.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 so she says, you know, we're here.

Speaker 2 Like, this is where it's, this room. It's like right across the street.
Right.

Speaker 2 And, and Mike and I go over there, and

Speaker 2 we see the room, and then we see

Speaker 2 the curtain open, and you can see two men in the curtain, white dudes. right older look up and then when they kind of see us and they put the shade back down

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 Why are you rolling your hand? No, no, I'm saying because you know what's going on. So I'm like, what the fuck? Shady.
And Mike goes, I'm out. I go, I'm not.

Speaker 2 We got to try.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he goes, well, then you do it. So he sat on the sunset.
I walked up there. I knocked on the door and there was a woman there.
And she was Latino.

Speaker 2 a little older, and she did not look like a prostitute.

Speaker 2 She was wearing a robe.

Speaker 2 and she kind of looked you know she's smoking like a congresswoman right that's what she looked like you know what i mean and i go you're a cop

Speaker 2 and she just looked at me

Speaker 2 and i just walked away she didn't say a word no yeah goodbye crazy yeah you almost got fucking busted could you imagine what that does

Speaker 2 what getting caught with that i mean fuck your name yeah just i think that would fuck you up yeah yeah i think that would have me up at that time that would fuck you up yeah yeah like had you been on Mad?

Speaker 2 I think I was just on it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think that would have been fun. That would have stung so bad.
Yeah. So do you ever think about that when you got prostitutes back in the day? Do you think about cops or no? But

Speaker 2 you think, okay, number one, all right, I had never gotten an LA one. The only way we would, we would do,

Speaker 2 I can't say the names, but

Speaker 2 we would do lunch runs.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? So I would have. When you were working at the club? No, there would be comics that would call where you would text.
Yeah. And

Speaker 2 they would say, lunch run,

Speaker 2 right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you always knew what lunch run meant. Yeah, hookers.
Right. Right.
So there was a place in the city of industry, right? So sad. Called Hawaii Theater.

Speaker 2 The best. Sounds terrible.
It's terrible. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you walk into Hawaii Theater and

Speaker 2 it's black boxy kind of, you know? Yeah. But there was like a nice stage with bamboo

Speaker 2 and coconuts,

Speaker 2 dangling. And it's like this makeshift kind of strip club, but it was a you know a brothel.
And it'd been there for years. Like people knew about that, but it's not no longer there.

Speaker 2 But so we would either go there or we go to Mexico or I would do it in

Speaker 2 Las Vegas. Vegas is the most common.
Yeah. But Vegas feels forceful because it's a part of the game out there.
Who cares, dude?

Speaker 2 It's a business exchange. Sure.

Speaker 2 But to get, look,

Speaker 2 to get caught and get in the paper and have your name and all that stuff, that's just. That's legal, right? In Vegas?

Speaker 2 In Nevada. Yeah, not in the city, yeah.
Yeah, but it's, you know. So

Speaker 2 I got taken by somebody who I won't mention to a, I got taken to a really nice nightclub, right? Strip club. Yeah.
Strip club, nightclub, whatever. Vegas is all the same.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 someone I'm with. is jokingly saying, like, he's on a TV show.

Speaker 2 And this is when I first did I'm Dying Up here, the first season. And I, and she's like, you know, these two really beautiful women, you know, all around us, all this stuff.
And they have a table.

Speaker 2 And she, they're both like, come upstairs with us. And they're prettier than any of the girls at the, they're like the two hottest girls.

Speaker 2 And I go upstairs and, you know, I'm up there and I'm thinking, oh, they're just going to give me a double dance. It'll be fun, you know.
I'm getting a dance.

Speaker 2 Is your wife going to be mad at this? No. Okay.
No, it's fine. Strip clubs are fine.

Speaker 2 So it's like, they're getting a dance. I'm thinking, okay.
And then the one girl's like, hey, you want to have like real fun? And I was like, this is fun.

Speaker 2 This seems like real fun. And she's like, no, no, no, fuck that shit.
Like, we know you're on TV. He told us.
So-and-so told us, like, you're a TV. You got money.
Let's have some fun.

Speaker 2 Let's fucking spend some money. Who gives a shit? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no.
And she goes, look, $1,000 for both of us and anal.

Speaker 2 Oh, they have to throw in the fucking. They tossed in anal.
I know. Like, it was Tire Shine.
Like, it was like. Or it's like, you know, those.
Like it was like they add in, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they add in.

Speaker 2 And if you you buy now, you can get a bunch of people. Get another one for free.

Speaker 2 For $19.99, you also get to buy.

Speaker 2 So she said, and Anal. And I said, oh, no,

Speaker 2 I'm not trying to have sex. And she was like, come on, come on, come on.
And I go, I just want dances. I went.
So I give them a couple hundred dollars.

Speaker 2 I'm getting a dance, getting dancers, keep dancing. They keep bugging me for it, bugging me for it, bugging me for it.
And then finally, she like grabs my dick. And she's like, let's go.

Speaker 2 Don't be such a fucking pussy. And I was like,

Speaker 2 I don't want to have sex with you guys. I don't want to fuck.
I'm sorry, man. I don't want to have it.

Speaker 2 When I said that, go ahead. What?

Speaker 2 Now, if it was, like, if you were, if you didn't, if you weren't prostituted, if I was single and you were single,

Speaker 2 if you weren't prostitutes, would you have fucked them on regular style? Well, yeah. Okay, well, if I was single and it was two girls in a club, yeah, all right, all right, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But by the way, in the Vegas thing, there would have been prostitutes no matter what. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because they would have fucked, and they would have been like, we need some money.

Speaker 2 And then they'd be like, what are you talking about? And then a big black guy would have walked up and be like, they need their money. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I would have been like, oh, shit, okay, here's some money. No, but I just, I didn't, I was like, no, I'm out.

Speaker 2 But when I said, I don't want to have sex, because you can't say that you can't use that language at strip clubs. You know that, right?

Speaker 2 Once you start talking about expletives, then they're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Right.
You have to use code. Right, right.
So they stood up and freaked out and left the room.

Speaker 2 And then one of the bouncer guys, one of the big black dudes, walks in. He's like, let's go.
You out. Let's go.
Do you? Yeah. And they kicked me the fuck out.
Oh, my God. Because I wouldn't.

Speaker 2 I mean, they were like strong-arming me to fuck. And I was like, I don't want to.
I don't want to. I don't want to.

Speaker 2 I mean, I wanted to, but I wasn't going. You know what I mean? I was like, of course, I want to fuck these two trash bags.
But like, no, of course, no, I don't want to. I don't want to.
No, thank you.

Speaker 2 But a thousand bucks for two plus the butts is pretty nice, isn't it? One time I was in the Bellagio

Speaker 2 and I masturbated just in the middle of the casino. What? And I remember Ike Berenholtz grabbing my hair and dragging me out of the fashion.
Were you wasted?

Speaker 2 So I had been sober for 12 years. Yeah.
And then I had relapsed when I got on Mad TV. In Vegas? Well, no, not in Vegas.
Why were you going to Vegas? Without TV?

Speaker 2 Because a bunch of Mad TV people went out there. Okay.
Right. And, you know, I had never done ecstasy before.
Oh, it's so fun, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, after 12 years of sobriety, I never had never done it, so I did it, and I just found myself just wanting to masturbate in public.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, and then I remember him dragging me by my hair to get you out of the hotel, to get me out of the hotel. Were you still jerking off as he dragged you?

Speaker 2 I think my pants were like be so funny if he's just

Speaker 2 what a crazy fucking city, man. So, you watch 90 Day Fiancé? Love.
All right, so when we watch it, I always tell her, right? Because you know, um, Ed and that Rose. Love Ed.
Right, Ed and Rose. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I always tell fucking her. I go, you're fucking lucky, aren't you? Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 You could have been Rose. Yeah, you could have been fucking Rose.
Did you see the pictures of Ed when he was young? No, was he hot? What?

Speaker 2 Was he hot? Dude? Let me see.

Speaker 2 Ed from 90 Day Fiancé when he was young. If you guys know what I'm talking about, he's Mayonnaise Ed.
He got, they call Mayo head. Mayo head.
Look at this. This is Ed when he was young.

Speaker 2 They posted these pictures online. This is him when he was young.
Look at that. Good-looking dude right there, right? There's two more that are.

Speaker 2 Hold on, there's one. There's two.
Those aren't the ones. We see the neck.
Hold on, hold on. Well, this is him.
Look at this is him with Mayo head. This is big Ed putting Mayo in his fucking hair.

Speaker 2 That's Mayo Head Ed. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at that neck. It's as if he got into a car accident and his head hit the windshield and it didn't break.

Speaker 2 You know, like it just squished him down. Yeah.
But look, there's young. I want to find these young pictures.
They got revealed online.

Speaker 2 Somebody that he's friends with on his personal Facebook page apparently put up these old photos.

Speaker 2 Look, look, look. This is him right there.
That's it right there. Look at this.
Look at that fucking photo of this guy. Oh, shit.
Hold on. Look at how good looking he is right there.

Speaker 2 You right? Is he good looking? Yeah. Isn't that crazy? Is he good looking back then? Yeah, dude.
That's a good-looking fucking guy. That's it.
Surprised the shit of me. That's the same guy.

Speaker 2 That's the same guy. Wow.

Speaker 2 Right? And then this is him, too. They have one more.

Speaker 2 Wow. One more.
He's holding his daughter in one of these when she's young. Yeah.
There it is. And look at that.

Speaker 2 The neck isn't as bad. By the way, we shouldn't make it.
Look at his legs, though. Well, look at him now.

Speaker 2 This is what I look like when I'm taking a shit. Yeah.
When I'm taking a shit, that's what I look like. Sweating, straining, folding.
This is also what my penis looks like when I get out of water.

Speaker 2 You know what's sad about that show?

Speaker 2 It's the catfish ones. Like that black lady.

Speaker 2 So many of them are. Yo, Landa.
Yo, my God. Or that one.
Have you seen? Wait, yo, and her boyfriend's name is. It's like a plural.
It's like Matthews. Yeah, Matthews.
What is it? Williams. Williams.

Speaker 2 No, William. It's Williams.
Yeah. Or that one guy that went to the Ukraine, right?

Speaker 2 Seven years he hadn't met the woman. Seven fucking years he still thinks she's coming out of the wood.
This guy's never met this girl, and seven years later, he thinks she's going to be.

Speaker 2 What? He spent $100,000 on just a fucking

Speaker 2 site. Yeah.
Yep. Right.
He all money. No video.
No video. No videos.

Speaker 2 Only chat.

Speaker 2 Only chat. Only chat.
Yeah, only chat. Oh, if I was his friend.

Speaker 2 But here's the problem.

Speaker 2 You can't tell a guy like that. Yeah, you can.
You can't. Oh, yeah, you can.
No, because a guy like that thinks there's hope. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 What would you say? I'm him. Ready? Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'm him. Ready? Like, what's up, Bob? You wanted to meet today? Yeah, dude.
Number one, all right?

Speaker 2 I don't even know why I'm friends with you, dude. What? We've been friends since we were.

Speaker 2 I understand that, but we're friends. Right.
Are we not? We're best buds as far as I know. Yeah, and I love you, right? I I love you too.
Right. See this, my hand? Yeah.
It's called a gun.

Speaker 2 Oh, my gosh. Yeah.
What do you have to do? If you get on a fucking flight, I'm going to fucking kill you, dude. All right.
Got to catch my flight.

Speaker 2 I mean, somebody's got to talk sense. He doesn't have family members to pin him down and go.
That's the problem. Bro, these guys never had anything.

Speaker 2 They never had love. So they think this could be the one.

Speaker 2 These guys never had a normal interaction with a woman. This guy thinks this is the one time he's going to finally win.
That's heartbreaking. It's so fucking heartbreaking, but I can't stop watching.

Speaker 2 I have to watch it. I have to watch him fade.
And you know who my favorite? You know when they watch when they win.

Speaker 2 We're not caught up, so we're only, how many episodes? We're only four episodes in. Okay, well, how about this?

Speaker 2 You know, there's another show where they watch the other members, past members, watch the show from bed. You've seen that, right? Yeah, I've seen that, yeah, yeah.
And then my favorite one is

Speaker 2 what I can't remember.

Speaker 2 He's the fat Buddha belly guy, and she's the Pelopino girl that that like, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I know, I've seen that. They're my fucking, she makes me laugh so hard.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 She has a good comment for everything. The show is phenomenal.
If you haven't seen it, people at home, you should watch it. Watch it.
Yeah. We're totally caught up with it.
This guy, too.

Speaker 2 You know, all these guys are, I feel bad for almost everybody.

Speaker 2 Okay, so that guy. So that guy right there, right? Yeah, this guy that goes on my head.
Like, his whole claim, his whole claim is like, I think she's using me.

Speaker 2 That's that, yes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. That's the fucking exchange.
That's the show. We all know what this exchange is, right? I can't get, you know what I mean? I can't get what I need, need, need, you can't get what you need.

Speaker 2 You want to come here, right? Swap it up. We fuck.
Swap it up, right? You give me puss puss, right? I'll give you cards. Citizenship.
Citizenship. Yeah.
Who gives a fuck?

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, that's like, we don't care in America when an old guy dates a young woman. It's the same thing.

Speaker 2 It's a trade-off. Yeah.
They get what they do.

Speaker 2 I don't think, I think that this dude right here, the SPC, the Russian guy, he can get girls here. Well, so what is his deal then? Why does it good looking? Because he's good-looking.

Speaker 2 Is this guy good-looking? No?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 look at her face. No, but he's not ugly.
No, he's not ugly, but

Speaker 2 he's what? He's okay. Yeah.
Yeah, he's okay. Yeah, but he's okay.

Speaker 2 There was a girl in his hometown that

Speaker 2 remember. And she's like, Yeah, I mean, what's wrong with me? And he's like, I'm gay.
And I have to run away because I have to hide the fact that I'm gay.

Speaker 2 Or no, it's just that it's like, it's too easy. No, I don't think that's it.
I think he's got some weird, he needs a. I think he needs a

Speaker 2 control thing.

Speaker 2 She gets here, right? That's very bright. Yeah.
It's a control thing. It's a control thing.
Yeah. The other girl is a real relationship.
She can leave at any time. Right.

Speaker 2 This guy gets this girl to America. She's stuck.
They're stuck. Yeah.
By the way, to go through this process,

Speaker 2 they have to live together for a certain amount of time. They have to prove that they're staying together for a certain amount of time.
Otherwise, she loses the citizenship.

Speaker 2 So he knows, and she knows, they both have to weigh all these elements out. She's not dumb.
So she's like, I still want to get to the States. I don't care what it takes.

Speaker 2 He can be like, well, I might get drunk and hit her one time.

Speaker 2 She can't leave. Yeah.
She can't leave. Especially, I wanted to tell her through the screen.
It's like, it's not as if he lives in Nashville. Where does he live? He lives in Tennessee, but like

Speaker 2 in the boondocks. A little bit.
Yeah. Right? So I want to say that, you know, I mean, lady, it's just woods out there.
Oh, that's where he can kill you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is the girl that you were talking about. Rose.
That's right. I always look at fucking Juliana.
Yeah, Jules kind of looks like Royal Rose.

Speaker 2 And I go, you got here, right, without any of this shit. Yeah.
You should be grateful. Are you grateful? Yeah.
That's pretty impressive. That does kind of look like you a little bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah. When you smile, let me see.
Let me see her smile. Look at that smile.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do that same face that she's doing.

Speaker 2 There it is. That's it.
That's it right there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But the thing is, is

Speaker 2 like this too, it's like when he was asking her about like, I want you to take an STD test. Yeah, he asked her he wanted to get tested.
Bro, you're not, you haven't had pussy in a decade.

Speaker 2 Get a little bump. It's on your dick.
Who cares? Who fucking cares? A couple of bumps and an itch. Also, an STD test,

Speaker 2 he goes, I want you to take an STD test to make sure that you weren't with other partners or whatever. I want you to take a look at that.
I was just going to say that. What if he...

Speaker 2 Yeah, you take the test. You take the test.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you look like this.

Speaker 2 But also, why doesn't he just, why wouldn't you just, if she said no, If he said, well, do you know about your sexual status?

Speaker 2 If she said no, why wouldn't you just go, well, we'll just wear a condom then? And if she was like, I don't want to wear a condom, then just go, okay, well, then we should just get tested.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Fuck her. No condom.
I'm agreeing. I'm saying, if it was that big of a deal to this guy, what was he scared of? When you look like that,

Speaker 2 right? And you have a 23-year-old girl. Mayo Ed.

Speaker 2 Throw the dice.

Speaker 2 I like the guy. I got to tell you.
I do like him. I'm not being too mean.
He's a very likable guy. The whole show is filled with very fun, lovable people.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I just feel bad sometimes for Rose. I know.
I feel bad for these girls because I know when he goes to kiss her. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It gave me the chills. And what I feel bad is that when it's like when a serial killer like pets the victim's head before they kill him.
Yeah. It gave me chills in my chest.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's also like I feel bad that when she's like on the bottom and he's on top and she wants to put his she goes I wanna put my um hand around his neck. He asks her

Speaker 2 put your hands around my body

Speaker 2 And she can't.

Speaker 2 She doesn't know which part is what.

Speaker 2 I can't do it. I can't.

Speaker 2 Because his neck and his stomach are the exact same.

Speaker 2 I can't. You're a bowling pin.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow. Hey, do you want to hear? Do you want to hear our boy Andreas? He has got material.
Do you want to hear it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, he's unavailable. Wow.
Yeah. That's a ton of the nerve out of this guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's call this moron and see what he's got to say for himself.

Speaker 2 Wow, unavailable, huh?

Speaker 2 Look at how nervous you're going to make him. Bob, yell at him.
Bob, yell at him, yell at him. Seriously, get really upset.

Speaker 2 Hello?

Speaker 2 Hey, dude, it's Bobby. Hey, hey, what the fuck, dude? Did you not work for us?

Speaker 2 Yes, I do. Then when we fucking call, you're not gonna fucking pick up your the fucking line, dude?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? I just you just called.

Speaker 2 No, we tried to fucking hook up with you on on the online on the on the to do the stand-up, but dude. What the fuck, man?

Speaker 2 Uh, we're all we're fucking shooting now, you fucking the guy.

Speaker 2 I'm I've been here waiting since three, staring at my computer blindly, waiting for you, Bobby.

Speaker 2 Well, we are, if that's what you fucking say, but we fucking, I mean, I get it, dude, but you got to be more on the ball, dude.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 we're just fucking around

Speaker 2 on this,

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 2 You made him sad. I'm sad now.
He's sad. Hey, Andres,

Speaker 2 we're going to do the stand-up next week. Do you want to do it this week? Okay.
No, we'll do it next week. Because I want him to, dude.
Bobby was joking around, Andres.

Speaker 2 I just want you to be more natural and not do like bump bump bump jokes and just talk about, you know what I mean,

Speaker 2 your day or whatever.

Speaker 2 Bet prefer for you guys. What'd he say? I don't know what he's saying.

Speaker 2 What did you say?

Speaker 2 I have a really good set prepared for you. He has a good set.
I want to see. I want to hear it.
He prepared it for for me. Let's do it.
Andres, I'm going to call you and then we'll do the video, okay?

Speaker 2 Okay. You're FaceTiming me, right?

Speaker 2 You want me to. Yeah, I'll FaceTime you.
I'll FaceTime your phone, okay?

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
Hey, Andres.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Say I love you.

Speaker 2 I love you guys. Okay.
We'll call you right now. He, you really, that fucking hurt his feelings in the weirdest way.
Andres the fancy B. Rosende.

Speaker 2 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 2 There he is.

Speaker 2 Look at our

Speaker 2 sweet boy. Hi, bud.
Hey, buddy.

Speaker 2 Oh, we can't hear you. Why can't we hear you? Look at that hairline.

Speaker 2 Can you hear us?

Speaker 2 No. No.
This is funny. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's like. His mic is shaped like a fucking.
Give us a thumbs up if you can hear us. Oh, yeah, we can't hear you though.
We can't hear you. No, I'll tell you when we can hear you

Speaker 2 How long do you think we could do this for and the audience will watch us trying to connect with him? 15 20 minutes. You think they're already gone? Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right, let's okay. Oh, how about Andreas? Andreas, we have a fix because it's not working.
So stand back a little bit and then stand right there and put the mic up to your mouth.

Speaker 2 And then we'll do the

Speaker 2 right there. And then we'll do the jokes for you.
And you just mouth it, okay?

Speaker 2 All right, here we go.

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody, I'm Andreas.

Speaker 2 I'm from Spain.

Speaker 2 How's everybody doing tonight? I hope everybody just keep moving your fucking mouth, Andres.

Speaker 2 How's everybody doing today?

Speaker 2 So, listen, I just got back from traveling overseas, and boy, are my arms tired

Speaker 2 and my immune system because of COVID.

Speaker 2 This guy knows this guy, this guy in the front right here, this guy I'm pointing to right now, he knows what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 I'm Spanish and there's difference between Spanish and Mexican. We only fry our beans once.

Speaker 2 We don't refry it twice.

Speaker 2 That was good shit. Good job.

Speaker 2 I'm sad we can't hear any of these jokes. I don't know why the mic isn't working.
But we wanted to hear all these jokes you had prepared. What happened? We can't hear you.
Yeah. Poor bastard.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Well, anyway, good good good andro uh andreas andreas andreas andreas hey it's good let's get the out of this thank you thank you we love you we're sorry that this didn't work we'll get you next week bobby says sorry and thank you he was kidding tell him you're kidding i love you andreas i really do i love this guy we love you baby he's a good dude bye sweetheart best i just oh i also want to mention that um yeah

Speaker 2 You know, my agent said that we probably won't be going on the road until 2021.

Speaker 2 And how do you feel about that?

Speaker 2 Super bummed, actually. You and I had a little talk off the air about it.

Speaker 2 I don't want to spread rumors to make people get weirded out. Yeah.
But I think the truth, the unfortunate truth that Bob and I talked about is we were going to do shows together.

Speaker 2 No, I mean, we had gigs lined up with Callan and Shaw. Yeah, but we were just going to do

Speaker 2 a tour with just us. And that wasn't going to be till maybe the beginning of the year, next year anyway.
But now

Speaker 2 we're going to have to see what happens. But

Speaker 2 I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 I really don't think we're gonna be doing anything until next year hey jules when we do go on the road though you know that if him him and i go on the road yeah that you have to go yeah you're coming you have to sell merch and also all the fans will know who you are yeah you do have to come you have to come will you

Speaker 2 we'll fly you out we'll get you hotel room you'll live like a fucking queen yeah we'll get you you'll fly out you'll have a nice hotel you have to eat and drink whatever you want but i have school fuck

Speaker 2 school that's insane

Speaker 2 what are you gonna going to learn from school that you can't learn from us? Tell me something you're learning right now that you don't think I could teach you. Biology.
Biology? Yeah, yeah. Chemistry.

Speaker 2 Chemistry? Biology. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 What has. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bunsen burners.

Speaker 2 Biology.

Speaker 2 Oh, what are you learning right now in biology? What's one thing you're learning right now?

Speaker 2 We're learning about

Speaker 2 mutations. Gene mutation? Yeah.
I have one. Red hair.
That's a gene mutation. Or fuck it.
Watch X-Men. X-Men.
That's another gene mutation. Watch X-Men? And watch Planet Earth with Attenborough's.

Speaker 2 David Attenborough. Okay, so we got that covered.
What else? We got that. Done.
History. Go ahead.

Speaker 5 We're learning about the Cold War.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. Have you ever seen...
It was frozen.

Speaker 2 That's when everything was frozen, and we were chasing the Russians because we wanted to get to the moon first, right? Watch Eastern Promises, whatever that movie is. Eastern Promises.

Speaker 2 Where they fucking stab each other in fucking spas. Yeah, you need that.
What else?

Speaker 2 Is there something else you're learning that's all yeah well covered so you're coming with us on why we honestly okay can she do five up top what five stand-up if we write jokes for you will you open the show

Speaker 2 wait no you wouldn't she won't do it i'm gonna cry yeah yeah how about this if you open my closer to the mic jules fuck if you open the show for us we'll give you five hundred dollars

Speaker 2 and all you have to do is walk out open the show how many people would you think would be in our shows

Speaker 2 who knows after all this fucking shit?

Speaker 2 We could probably draw about 600, 1,000. 1,000 maybe? Who knows? Yeah.
I don't know. So only 1,000 people would be there.
That's not a lot. That's fine.

Speaker 2 We could do a smaller one just to try it out at first. 250 room.
Yeah, 250 or 300. Would you want to do that?

Speaker 5 I don't know. I never tried that.

Speaker 2 $500 cash. I've never tried that.
Look at what she's sweating. Look at that.
She's sweating. She's sweating.
Can you, let's, we'll give you Bob will give you a joke. You'll write the jokes.

Speaker 2 We'll write the joke. Yeah.
You know what I'm saying? We'll write the jokes.

Speaker 5 But I don't know how to say it it and make people laugh.

Speaker 2 I know, but the thing is, is that you have to go in knowing that you're not going to get them to laugh. Right.
You know it's going to be, you already know.

Speaker 2 People are already going to know that it's going to be your first time and that they already know that, right? So no matter what happens, who cares? Yeah, who gives a shit?

Speaker 2 Don't you think that's fine? Maybe. Yeah.
Yes.

Speaker 2 That's a yes to me. You're going to do it.
You're going to fucking do it. You're going to get paid.
You're going to be a performer. We could get you some spots at the store, too, eventually.

Speaker 2 No?

Speaker 2 So hopefully we'll be able to go on the road soon.

Speaker 2 But if we'd go on the road in the summer, you could go on the road. God, I hope.
I would be sorry.

Speaker 2 But wait a minute, aren't you done? Isn't school done for you? No, she's in school now. No, I mean, I'm saying, but when is it over? When are you done?

Speaker 5 End of May.

Speaker 2 So May. Yeah, but in May.
She's only a junior. Oh,

Speaker 2 I thought you were last year. I was a junior.
Oh, shit. Yeah.
But you're 18?

Speaker 2 Are you a senior when you're 18? No, but she's Philippine. She's from the Philippines.
Oh, so you're older and cool. Does everybody everybody love that in your class?

Speaker 2 Is that cool that you're older than them?

Speaker 5 They don't know. They don't ask about my age.

Speaker 2 No? Do they? Do they do you have a lot of good friends in school? I don't know. She's like that quiet, you know,

Speaker 2 she's that quiet, mysterious girl. She's very nice and sweet.
No, she's just kind of like, you know. But did you make Ali Sheety in

Speaker 2 Breakfast Club? Cute. You know what I mean? Do you make any good friends in school? Do you have any good friends?

Speaker 5 I know like three people.

Speaker 2 But girls? All girls?

Speaker 5 Two guys and one girl.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ, Bobby. What are you letting her do? She's not.
This girl isn't.

Speaker 2 No boys are trying to date. Are they trying to date you? No, she's not.
They better not, because you know, Tito, you know, what will fucking happen. Fucking kill them.

Speaker 2 Tito will fucking murder these dudes. Oh, fuck.
So the two boys and the girl, are they American? Are they foreign? American. Do you have any foreign friends? No.
Good, stay away from them. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You want to succeed in this? Listen, don't think about it, Jules, but you will be going on the road with us. When you can, no doubt.
You can, and then you'll sell merch, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You could tell your teacher it's like a

Speaker 2 like an internship yeah it is so you can get out of school she'll do it because at this point i i i'm if you're gonna continue to do this right people are gonna know who you are yeah and you're a part of the show now okay

Speaker 2 yeah because we got the vote we got literally there was a poll that i didn't even put up 98.6 percent of people preferred you over george no really yeah yeah 98.6 98.6 in that seat they said they you're doing it from now on you know that right yeah get closer to the the mic.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right, you're doing this from now on, right?

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 or let's say, thank you for being a

Speaker 2 Hey,

Speaker 2 yeah, two things. Yeah,

Speaker 2 love you, love you too. Thank you for being a bad friend.