From the Bottom of My Happy Heart

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 3 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 4 Bad friends.

Speaker 2 Honey, come home from the war.

Speaker 3 You are missed.

Speaker 2 Come home to daddy.

Speaker 2 Daddy miss you so much.

Speaker 3 Baby, come home.

Speaker 2 Baby,

Speaker 2 you're loved.

Speaker 2 Baby,

Speaker 3 you died.

Speaker 3 Wow. She died.
Johnny died in the song.

Speaker 2 Johnny died in the song?

Speaker 3 Yeah, he was in the war and

Speaker 3 he had some sort of gangrene on his leg because he stepped on an IED.

Speaker 2 He stepped on an IUD or an IED? IUD.

Speaker 2 An IUD. He stepped on a birth control.
Not a bomb. Oh, he stepped on a birth control phone.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. That's why I got gangrene.
Wow. IEDE would have been blown off.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But IUD stepped on a birth control.

Speaker 3 I'm wondering if you were in, because I see a lot of war movies, and I feel like in the movie Platoon,

Speaker 3 you would be the Kevin Dylan character.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 3 You would like make a Vietnamese guy hop up and down on one leg

Speaker 3 and dance. Yep.
And you'd be the guy that like, you know, you're like the guy that like the other platoon soldiers go, oh, did you see what Andrew did back in the village?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he tortured that little Korean boy. He raped a baby.
No.

Speaker 2 He raped a baby.

Speaker 3 No, I didn't.

Speaker 3 He walked into the hut, he picked up the baby, and he just started having sex with it.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't have sex with it. I would throw it.
I might throw it or kick it.

Speaker 2 I might throw it or kick it. Bob, have you been lighting, have you been lighting cigarettes with

Speaker 2 a campfire lighter? Yeah. Like a torch lighter? Yep.
Why do you not have a regular lighter? I can't find them.

Speaker 3 I can't find them anywhere in the house.

Speaker 2 That little song, Baby Come Home. I really like that.
You You do?

Speaker 2 Is that an old, is that a thing that we should know?

Speaker 3 No, I just made it up. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just make up songs because it sounds like an old classic,

Speaker 2 beautiful Korean. Yeah, like we have an old, there's an old Irish,

Speaker 2 there's an old Irish one we.

Speaker 2 Sing an old Irish folklore type song. Well, but it's this is it's translated because it's it's in Gaelic, but this is what it says.

Speaker 3 Oh shit, like gypsy shit, huh?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but in English it says this. They go,

Speaker 2 There once was a lad who drank to don't laugh.

Speaker 2 Why are you laughing? I'm trying to give you a piece of my culture and my history.

Speaker 3 Whatever the you know, it's like whenever you watch like the Game of Thrones or any of those kind of movies, and the or The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, sure, and then like you know, me and a Hobbit will start singing in a fucking uh auditorium.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh.

Speaker 3 I used to start laughing. It's so dumb.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey,

Speaker 2 stupid, stupid. Keep going.
There once was a lad who drank too much.

Speaker 2 He'd never be alive again.

Speaker 2 Whiskey and beer and whiskey again.

Speaker 2 Never will he see a friend. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He laid to rest. He did his best.
All right. He fought when they asked him to.

Speaker 2 A drunk but a good man overall. Thank goodness he wasn't a Jew.
That's the song.

Speaker 2 That is a good one. It's a good song.

Speaker 3 It rings true today.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's evergreen. It's evergreen.

Speaker 2 It's an evergreen song from the Evergreen Country, Michael. See, when you watch

Speaker 3 those kind of things, like if you're watching,

Speaker 3 I don't know what genre or what time period is, but where they used to have bards, like traveling bards.

Speaker 2 Yeah, traveling bards, yeah.

Speaker 3 And they would tell stories and sing. Those were like the Beatles.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Those were like, they were like half Beatles and half like comic.

Speaker 2 What was that? What was that?

Speaker 2 What was that movie? It was like seven short films. What was that called?

Speaker 3 There's so many movies.

Speaker 2 No, it just came out a couple of years ago, seven short films. And

Speaker 2 one of the short films was about a man who traveled the country with no limbs telling stories.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, I did see that.

Speaker 2 Why can't I think of the name of that movie? What was that? Oh, it was so good. It was a horror movie.

Speaker 3 It was like the Halloween, right?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. This was like,

Speaker 2 oh, dude, this is.

Speaker 3 Yeah, okay, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, he had no limbs, and

Speaker 3 he would travel to town to town.

Speaker 2 And a guy would take care of him. Yeah, but a guy was using him.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, what was that? Ballad of Buster Scruggs.
Does that sound stupid? Is that way off?

Speaker 2 I would never watch a movie. Wait, what's a Ballad of Buster Scruggs? Do you know what we're talking about? Get in the microwave.
He doesn't know anything. By the way, we have our.

Speaker 2 Tito is uncle. What's nice?

Speaker 3 Nice. Yeah, what's nice in this? What's nice?

Speaker 3 Is that right?

Speaker 2 Bago Wangong? Bago Bangong. Bago Mangon.
Bago Mongongun.

Speaker 2 By the way, Ballad of Buster Scruggs was the correct title of that movie. Ballad of Buster Scruggs.
I was right.

Speaker 2 The Cohen brothers made that. It was seven short little vignettes on the night.

Speaker 3 Oh, on Netflix, that's right. It was very good.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 That's about the traveling guy. Wait a minute.
Bago Bangun. I don't want to skip over that.
Bago Bangun.

Speaker 2 Say it slow so I can hear it. Pag.

Speaker 2 Pag. O.
O. Mang.
Mang.

Speaker 2 Pag O Mangkun.

Speaker 2 Pago Mangkung. Pago Mangung.

Speaker 2 Every time I do it, it sounds like the computer that translates it.

Speaker 2 Pago Mankungkung. And what language is that?

Speaker 6 Visayan.

Speaker 2 What's Visayan?

Speaker 6 It's in Cebu, in the island of the Philippines.

Speaker 2 Whoa,

Speaker 3 it's fucking mythic. There's history.
So let me ask you something, Jules. I know you don't like talking, but

Speaker 3 in the Philippines... So every island has their own language?

Speaker 3 Not always. Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have to get close to the mic so we can hear you.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not always, because in Manila, you have

Speaker 6 Tagalog. Yeah.
And then some other islands also speak Tagalog.

Speaker 3 Oh, I see.

Speaker 2 What's the most common language in the Philippines?

Speaker 6 Tagalog.

Speaker 3 Tagalog? Talagog. Tagalog.

Speaker 2 Tagalog. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But can you understand, like if somebody's speaking Talogo...

Speaker 3 Yeah, I can understand. You can understand it, but can you speak it?

Speaker 6 I'm okay with it. I'm not an expert.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's like if we went to, it's just like we go to the south. We lived in LA and no, we lived went to Nevada or something.

Speaker 3 And then they had a, well, maybe not Nevada.

Speaker 2 No, like the South.

Speaker 3 If you go to the South South, the South, the South.

Speaker 2 If you go to New Orleans.

Speaker 3 New Orleans. And then they had a completely different language that we didn't understand.
But now, New Orleans,

Speaker 2 in New Orleans, what is it called? The Creole, like when they do Creoles. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 All that stuff's hard to hear. Look at that.
Tell me if you can understand what this says. Tell me if you can understand this one.
What am I saying here?

Speaker 3 No, it's just so racist.

Speaker 2 No, it's not one more time.

Speaker 2 It's so right.

Speaker 2 Do you hear any of that? That's that's in Tagalog. That's how are you doing today?

Speaker 2 What? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I don't think it's right.

Speaker 2 It's not, you don't think that's right at all? Jesus.

Speaker 6 If it's how are you? It's comustaka.

Speaker 2 Oh, Oh, that sounds like Spanish. Kumusta.
How about how about this? What's this one?

Speaker 2 Purushangam.

Speaker 2 Purushangam.

Speaker 2 No. Nothing? Nothing.
God, what is this app? Fucking Google.

Speaker 2 It's nothing.

Speaker 6 Maybe try Filipino instead of Tagalog.

Speaker 2 But they don't have Filipino on there. No.
Tagalog is the most common one on the language translate one.

Speaker 2 Do you ever, when you go to another place, though, and you try to conversate with someone, do you use English as the middle ground?

Speaker 6 I've only went to like Bohol and Camotas, and they speak Visayan, my language.

Speaker 2 Oh, they speak your language? Yeah.

Speaker 6 Then when I go to Manila, I speak English because I'm not good with Tagalog.

Speaker 2 Do most people in Manila speak English?

Speaker 6 They do, but

Speaker 6 they're not good at it.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah.
You're really good at it. When did you start taking English?

Speaker 6 Ever since I was young. Because the schools teach English.

Speaker 2 Yeah. With hopes that you guys are going to get out.

Speaker 3 Or maybe the concubine life.

Speaker 3 Sometimes like the ex-pac or whatever, the older, I mean, white dudes.

Speaker 2 White dudes are there, yeah.

Speaker 3 The dudes and they want to, you know what I mean? Bang, bang.

Speaker 2 Do you know what 90 Day Fiancé is? Do you know what that television show is? No. Oh, it's wonderful.

Speaker 2 It's so good.

Speaker 3 It's so good.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And these men are trying to go marry.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of Filipino women that come across on the show and they want, they marry them so they could get to the United States.

Speaker 3 But you know, there's something about, I've seen that show before.

Speaker 3 There's something about like an an average or kind of an uglier white dude, and then they go to a country like that, and they come back with a real hottie. I get angry.
Why?

Speaker 2 I don't know why. They come back because those women just want somewhere to live.
I know. They're basically sex slaves.
They're sex slaves. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They have sex with these weird white dudes that are like, they're just looking for your wife.

Speaker 3 There's this old series on HBO called

Speaker 3 Autopsy. You ever see those? No.
Oh, you have HBO Go or anything? Yeah. Yeah.
All right. So go to the documentary section.

Speaker 2 Autopsy?

Speaker 3 It's called Autopsy. And they were made in the early 90s or 90s.

Speaker 3 They're incredible because they show real bodies and stuff.

Speaker 3 Yeah, back in the day, yeah. But it's like they're all forensick-y, you know,

Speaker 3 case files. But it's all case files on like, like, um, on cold cases or on no, on real cases that they solved through forensics.

Speaker 2 Oh, they've been solved. It was like the first show of that kind.
Whoa.

Speaker 3 And they had this

Speaker 3 white man.

Speaker 2 Gross.

Speaker 3 And his, exactly. And his young Filipino wife, right, suddenly dies, right?

Speaker 3 They find her like hand in, you know, I love it when they find the hand first,

Speaker 3 they'll find a hand sticking out of the ground, yeah, right, and then they don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 It's always a jogger, right? It's like, I was out in the early morning, and I know, I saw a hand, yeah.

Speaker 3 I hate when they do that, you know what I would, if I died, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I would, I want to die in a mysterious way in that way, where they find my hand in a field, but then like a year later, they find like an ear in like an island off Hoy

Speaker 3 and then a foot in Antarctica.

Speaker 2 Why don't we just spread your body parts all over the world? All over the world so they don't know what the fuck happened. Just one Bobby Lee eye sticking out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. At a fish market.

Speaker 2 Just your eye out of ice.

Speaker 3 I know. Yeah, and then so that it always remains autopsy.
But then it turns out like he's always, he always does that. Like he has had four other

Speaker 3 Filipino wives over his life. And he killed him.

Speaker 3 Mysteriously died or disappeared. It's disgusting.
Yeah, so they, you know.

Speaker 2 Was he American?

Speaker 3 It's always an older white dude.

Speaker 2 No, I know, but dude, a lot of British, there was a British dude in the news in Bristol, maybe it was called. Yeah.

Speaker 2 39, 39 women and children that he had killed,

Speaker 2 did all this screwed up shit to. 39, and he got away with it forever.
Yeah. He basically wanted to get caught at some point.
Yeah. These weirdo white dudes, they get these foreigners like like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Because they can't, you know, they can't, what are they going to do?

Speaker 3 Yeah, but you know what?

Speaker 3 That kind of behavior

Speaker 2 everywhere, though. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 3 Because remember the Japanese kid, there was a Japanese kid.

Speaker 3 He went to school. He comes from a real, a rich Japanese family, a powerful Japanese family.
Yeah. And he went to a school, a boarding school or a college or whatever.

Speaker 3 He was a foreign exchange student in Sweden or whatever. And he ate a white, a Swedish girl.
Oh, yes. And he ate her.
Yes. And then he's now in like

Speaker 3 prison. Yeah.
But his family is so powerful that he got out. Yeah.
And now he's just roaming free. Imagine like he's in a Japanese bar getting drunk, right? He is.

Speaker 3 And people are telling stories, you know what I mean? And he just is always top everyone else's.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah?

Speaker 3 Oh, that's...

Speaker 2 Oh, you ate a mongoose once?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah? I ate, you know what I mean? A white Swedish lady. Everyone's like, oh.

Speaker 2 that's impressive. Yeah.

Speaker 3 To eat a white Swedish girl and get away with it?

Speaker 2 I love that. Money, power, respect.
Yeah. Oh, Bob, speaking of which.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 How cool is this? Whatever. Anyway, say thank you.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Say thank you to Ted Muns.
He did this. This is awesome, right?

Speaker 3 That really is dope. This is very cool.
Can you see it on camera?

Speaker 2 Can you see it? Yeah. How do you say cool?

Speaker 3 She's not fucking. She's a bright girl.

Speaker 2 She's my little Google Translate.

Speaker 3 She's a bright girl.

Speaker 2 How do you say cool? Thank you. Thank you.
How do you say thank you? Oh, you Filipinos don't say thank you. Salamat.

Speaker 6 Huh?

Speaker 2 Salamat. Salamat.
Salama. Salamat.

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 3 So Jules, when she was on last Bad Friends, people started hitting trying to become her friend on Instagram.

Speaker 2 Ew, really?

Speaker 3 Yeah, and her shit's on private. I don't think she wants to, if you're listening right now, I don't think she wants to befriend people, but we created another Instagram page for her.
Oh, what is it?

Speaker 3 What is it?

Speaker 6 Bad Friend Rudy.

Speaker 3 It's called Bad Friends. Bad Friend Rudy.

Speaker 2 So you can go on Instagram, go to Bad Friend Rudy, and that's when then you have control over that page.

Speaker 3 No, she does, but we're going to use that as no DPs, fellas. No DPs.

Speaker 2 No DPs.

Speaker 3 That's disgusting. That's disgusting.

Speaker 2 No DPs. But girls, send your boobs.

Speaker 2 Send boobs to her account. That's fine.

Speaker 3 Speaking of that, so I sent you that. I don't want to mention it because I don't want to get yanked off of Instagram.
But I sent you that handle on Instagram, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So did you watch those videos?

Speaker 2 I watched every single one of them three times over. Right.
And I sent it to everybody. What do you mean? You don't want to mention it so.

Speaker 3 It's going to obviously

Speaker 3 that if people find out about

Speaker 3 that handle,

Speaker 3 they're going to yank it.

Speaker 2 But I imagine that whoever makes makes up that account, for people that don't know, we're being so vague. There's an account online that shows the most

Speaker 2 fucked up is an understatement. It's insane.
Yeah. It's crazy shit.

Speaker 2 But it's not private.

Speaker 3 It's not private. And

Speaker 2 the first one, you can't. Why not?

Speaker 3 Because

Speaker 3 I love it so much. I don't want to get yanked.

Speaker 2 But these constantly get yanked and they re-upload, then they constantly get yanked. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 How long am I going to find it the next time?

Speaker 2 Well, let me see how long he's been up right now.

Speaker 3 He's been out for a while.

Speaker 2 Isn't it insane that you automatically know it's a guy? Yeah. There's no way a a girl knows what it's like.

Speaker 3 One of the videos is, or one of the little lives is, you know, it has a little retarded boy having sex with a car.

Speaker 2 He's just, he's fucking the front of a car.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so his dick is going inside the fender.

Speaker 2 No, no, it's inside the emblem, the car emblem. Oh, the emblem.

Speaker 2 Right. It's insane.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's between the T and the O

Speaker 3 and then

Speaker 3 there's another guy fucking a pony.

Speaker 2 A donkey. A donkey.
A donkey.

Speaker 2 I don't know you know yeah no i know it's all the same as yeah okay i'm looking i'm looking right now right we can't around for a while but if we say if we say what it is we can't we can't all right but he but i sent that

Speaker 3 now you know who your real allies are in comedy

Speaker 3 because i sent it to probably 12 comics sure

Speaker 3 some of them and i'm not kidding you Their texts back were like almost like we're done.

Speaker 2 Like not cool.

Speaker 2 Like hey, man, we're not friends friends anymore why i don't know what it is it's like for me can you tell me who said they didn't like it well here i can tell by them not responding yeah yeah right yeah so david spade well that makes sense yeah yeah spade not responding makes sense yeah yeah he wouldn't like something like that yeah but in my head i thought he would a video of a of a handicapped boy fucking a car

Speaker 2 yeah and a lot of more like fist like fist fights like brutal fist fights

Speaker 2 fist fights fist fucking fist fucking you know there's one video that made me laugh so fucking hard There's a big muscly dude, and he's taped a dildo to his computer table. Yeah, that's what's up.

Speaker 2 And he's blowing it, and his mom walks in, and she just goes,

Speaker 2 and walks out.

Speaker 2 He's deep-throating like a 14-inch dildo.

Speaker 2 That one made me laugh so. Leah

Speaker 3 texted me yesterday, goes, I don't like this dude.

Speaker 2 He doesn't like stuff like that.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, what? There's a guy fucking a horse.

Speaker 7 I go, it's comedy, baby.

Speaker 2 It's a comedy. It's a bit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, people have a certain threshold.

Speaker 2 Some people don't like stuff like that. Why?

Speaker 2 It's because

Speaker 2 they didn't grow up joking around with stuff like that.

Speaker 2 So they don't like it now. Do you know what I mean? Like, you had to like weirdo shit when you were a kid to like weirdo shit as an adult comedically.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I mean, I've peed on people in my life. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've

Speaker 3 pooed on people.

Speaker 2 Not me.

Speaker 3 That's fine. That's fine.
Tweets his own.

Speaker 2 You pooed just on a human?

Speaker 3 Yeah, pooed on

Speaker 2 in a sexual matter? Oh, no. Just like in a.

Speaker 3 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 What? In a revenge?

Speaker 3 Yeah, like one time I think I pooed on Ari Shafir's foot. That's fine.
But then he shit all over my car. That's cool.
Yeah, so it's like, I've always been into those kind of games. Shit for shit.

Speaker 3 Tit for tat.

Speaker 2 Tit for tat. I get that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I've peed on things. But my point is, I've come down things.

Speaker 2 What's the weirdest thing you've come done?

Speaker 2 Like an object.

Speaker 3 Well,

Speaker 3 recently, because I have, I'm doing this notebook.

Speaker 3 fuck.

Speaker 3 Close your ears. She lives with me.
Close your ears. No, she's fine.

Speaker 2 Just close your eyes. At least close your eyes so you can't see here.

Speaker 3 No, so I don't.

Speaker 3 I can't believe I'm saying this.

Speaker 2 I can.

Speaker 3 So, you know, I've been doing this no pornography thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 So I haven't watched any pornography. I know.

Speaker 2 So you say.

Speaker 2 I haven't. And how long, though? Has it really, honestly?

Speaker 3 Two months.

Speaker 2 Has it been going on that long? Oh, yeah. Really?

Speaker 2 No breaks.

Speaker 3 Here's how crazy it is. It's getting to the point where when I was in the Middle East with Sebastian Monascalco and Eric Griffin, you can't get porn on

Speaker 3 the internet there.

Speaker 2 They don't have porn. They block all of it.
No Middle Eastern porn?

Speaker 3 No. If you're in the Middle East, like you're in Saudi Arabia.

Speaker 2 Saudi Arabia.

Speaker 3 You're in Saudi Arabia.

Speaker 2 You have to jerk off to the thought of porn.

Speaker 3 Yes. That's wild.
But even then, it hadn't been long enough, right? So I couldn't do it with my mind. But it's been so long long now, I can do it with my mind.

Speaker 2 You can jerk off with your mind? Yes, that's insane. Yeah, you can get fully hard without looking at anything.

Speaker 3 I can't do anything, and I can do it with my mind. I'm resetting my brain,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 3 But so, sometimes I'm in the bathtub and I'll come,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 3 I just

Speaker 3 feel like you're not open right now, and I feel like you're doing something.

Speaker 2 Look at me. No,

Speaker 2 I'm an open book right now.

Speaker 3 It doesn't feel open, it feels cool.

Speaker 2 Put all your words inside of me. I'm a book with no words.
All right. I'm open pages.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And so I'll come and then the sides of the bathtub.
Yeah. I'll just wipe the cum on there.

Speaker 2 Hmm.

Speaker 2 Jules, do you ever take a bath in there? No.

Speaker 2 Not anymore.

Speaker 3 Never again. She has her own bathtub.

Speaker 2 Why don't you put it somewhere else? Why on the sides? You have to clean that. Do you not clean that? Do you clean it right when you get out? You leave it.

Speaker 3 I let it dry a bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, you let it dry? Yeah. Bob.
Why? Do you jerk off underwater?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You like it underwater? Aquaman style.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Mamoa style. Little bubbles coming up.
Yeah, yeah. Momoa style.

Speaker 2 See, I can't water and I don't get along. Why? I don't jerk off in the water.
I can't fuck in the water. I don't like it.

Speaker 3 Oh, it feels good. If you have your stand, this is the best feeling.

Speaker 3 Okay, so here's another story that she doesn't know and nobody knows.

Speaker 3 When I was in the Philippines,

Speaker 3 we stayed at this hotel called The Crimson.

Speaker 3 And so Kalila and her family would be like, we're going to go to,

Speaker 3 you know, go hiking in the mountains.

Speaker 3 And I'd be like, oh, I'm sick.

Speaker 2 I don't feel good.

Speaker 3 You guys go.

Speaker 3 Right? So they would go. And in the back of this hotel room is this pool in the back.
Like, it's a really nice hotel. Sure.
And we have our own individual pools, swimming pools.

Speaker 3 They're the size of this table, right? And they don't go deep. So you just stand there and then the water goes up to your like sides like this.
Right. And I would put an iPad there and I would just

Speaker 3 feverishly masturbate in the water. Right.

Speaker 2 Oh, God. And that was your favorite thing to do.

Speaker 3 It's because for some reason, when you're doing this and the water, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's splashing on the

Speaker 3 little masturbation.

Speaker 2 A little

Speaker 3 friction or whatever.

Speaker 2 Right. Right.

Speaker 3 Water friction.

Speaker 2 Do you come underwater or do you pull up the water?

Speaker 2 In the water. Oh, yeah.
So you let it swim.

Speaker 3 Why not? That's it. It came from water inside my body.
Yeah, it did.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's not like it's from a desert, so you would feverishly jerk off inside of there.

Speaker 2 How many times?

Speaker 3 I don't know what how when you guys went hiking and all that stuff, I there was a lot of times I didn't go, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, so next time I'm like that, remember I'm in a swimming pool, jerking off, jerking off.

Speaker 2 So don't swim in that swimming pool. Do you know this about him, all this stuff? No, yeah,

Speaker 2 are you? Are you are you embarrassed about your Tito or no? No. No, you're okay with it? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's fine. That's fine.
Look, everyone has their kink.

Speaker 2 That's your little kink. You like water, you like jerking off in the water when no one's around.

Speaker 3 During quarantine, I just, I'm not going to, I'm going to let it go. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You got to let your mind go. What have you been doing?

Speaker 2 Well, speaking of sexual kink,

Speaker 2 genuinely, this has been on my mind for a while. I watched Louis C.K.'s special.

Speaker 3 Oh, I haven't seen it yet.

Speaker 2 You didn't watch it? No. Okay.

Speaker 2 Is it good? Yeah, it's wonderful.

Speaker 2 It's fucking wonderful. Whoa.
All right. It's wonderful.

Speaker 3 Is it funny?

Speaker 2 It's very, very funny, dude.

Speaker 3 How do I watch it? I'm going to watch it tonight. You go to Louis C.K.'s go to his website.

Speaker 2 You can buy it from his website. Really? Yeah.
It's like $7.99 or something like that. Oh, cool.
It's,

Speaker 2 I watched it with a buddy of mine. We FaceTimed and watched it together.
I was interested to see how he felt about it and how I, like, it was, you know, it was one of those like

Speaker 2 what he does.

Speaker 2 Dude, it was, it was, it was, it was awesome. It was fucking awesome.
It was heartfelt. It was hard.
It was tough. It was funny.
He broaches the subject of the sexual stuff a little bit at the end.

Speaker 2 Could have been more. I think it would have been funnier if it was a little bit more or a little bit more real.

Speaker 3 When he opens, though, he doesn't mention it at all when he opens.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the first thing out of his mouth. I mean, I don't want to fuck it.
I don't want to fucking.

Speaker 3 Give me the opening thing.

Speaker 2 The opening line is, did anybody else have a really fucked up last two years or whatever? You know, something like that. Like,

Speaker 2 how was your last two years? You know, like, did anybody else have the worst last two years of their life? That kind of shit. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so right off the bat, you laugh because you're like, Yeah, this guy's shit was fucked up. Then he tells you kind of the tribulations of what's gone on in the past couple of years.

Speaker 2 And the very end of the special, he talks about the incidents, he has his version, his spin of it. I'm interested to see what you think about it.
It was very fucking

Speaker 3 the honest truth is that

Speaker 3 he was one of those guys that I always watched worked out.

Speaker 3 I was there when he showcased for Mitzi. No way.
Yeah, so he had already done his first HBO special, right? And I go, fuck Louisa K is here.

Speaker 2 That special was very good.

Speaker 3 Very funny. Yeah.

Speaker 3 The half hour.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Really good.

Speaker 3 And I sat next to Mitzi, and he goes up there and admitted in.

Speaker 3 She yells out, I'm not kidding you. Light him.
He doesn't have it.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 3 And I turn to Mitzi and I go, Mitzi, he has an HBO special. He doesn't have it.

Speaker 3 I'm falling asleep.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. Right?

Speaker 3 And he kind of walks off. And then I didn't see him for many, many years.

Speaker 2 He never came back. No.
He was kind of like the Seinfeld, too. Seinfeld, you know that story, right? Haven't I told you that story?

Speaker 3 No, I have another one, too. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 About Seinfeld, though. You know what happened?

Speaker 3 George Lopez, too, but go ahead.

Speaker 2 Seinfeld didn't

Speaker 2 admit he didn't like him for some reason. Said he was not

Speaker 2 funny, but something that she didn't like. Like maybe he was too clean or something.
I don't remember. Seinfeld told this story himself.
This is from his mouth.

Speaker 2 He came back to the store probably five, six years, five years ago, four years ago,

Speaker 2 and he hadn't been in forever. He told this story.
He said,

Speaker 2 he said, the reason I hadn't been in so long is Mitzi told me that basically I wasn't good enough or wasn't funny enough for this place.

Speaker 2 And I just toured and did other comedy elsewhere. And then he got the show.
Okay. Seinfeld became a massive hit.
One of the biggest, arguably the biggest comedy hit in the history of television. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they used to have a house on King's Road or the Queen's Road house.

Speaker 3 That's where Mitzi lives. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And Jerry bought a house above their house, literally, just above the house, right up on the hill, above the house. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he said every day he would drive in one of his Porsches down to CBS Radford. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he would slow down on purpose to see if any of the shores were outside to say hello, to let him know, to let them know. Oh, I'm just

Speaker 2 coming from up there.

Speaker 2 Just coming from above. Right above you, going back down.
Yeah. Just to like, because Jerry has.

Speaker 3 You never went into Mitzi's house, huh?

Speaker 2 No, I, you know, what used to happen was when Mitzi was sick at the end of at the end of the first run of the first time she got sick,

Speaker 2 Sean Halpin, who is a comedian,

Speaker 2 used to live in my apartment with us, used to live with us.

Speaker 3 Your roommates,

Speaker 2 it was temporary, no, not really, because we had two roommates, and he was just kind of living with us for a short period of time until he was going to get a new place. And Sean

Speaker 2 invited me a few times to go over. He's like, you want to go over there?

Speaker 2 He used to help her, like a bunch of other comics, help her with a lot of stuff that I don't want to mention because it's nobody's fucking business. Yeah, but I broke, I couldn't do it.

Speaker 2 It's just something about it gave me the, I couldn't go over to her home and be well, she's really sick. And I never saw her like that.

Speaker 3 It's imagine, it's like, it's, and I love Mitzi, but it's imagine because I've been to her house maybe 10 times in my life, okay?

Speaker 3 And it's almost as if, you know, how, like, because we were, we opened up with like castles and bards this podcast. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So imagine in a world where there was a kingdom or, you know, and there was a king, but they always have a sage.

Speaker 2 Right. Or a wizard.
Right.

Speaker 3 Right. Imagine just

Speaker 3 living amongst the peasants. Right.
Sure. And then some guy in a cloak comes up to you and goes, the wizard would like to see you.
Right. And then you went to the wizard's tower.

Speaker 2 I love it. Right.

Speaker 3 And you don't know what the fuck, because you don't know anything about wizardry. You're scared of it.
You're scared of magic.

Speaker 2 You're just a peasant. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You're making rice and wheat or whatever.

Speaker 2 Right. That's what you do.

Speaker 3 right?

Speaker 3 And then the wizard tells you some sort of, you know, I mean, spell or new concoction, or he does some sort of trick, right? And then you're scared. You think you're going to die,

Speaker 3 right? Or, you know what I mean? You don't know why he wants you there.

Speaker 2 Right. Right.

Speaker 3 That's what it was like.

Speaker 2 That's what it felt like.

Speaker 3 Because when you walked in,

Speaker 2 the walls of her house were black like the comedy store.

Speaker 3 Yeah. You thought that, you know, I mean, maybe there's some sort of like reasons comedy-wise why the club is all in black.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 Right. Do you ever think that? Because you go to any comedy club, it's usually brick, and there's colors.

Speaker 2 Well, there's some sort of texture to everything. Right, but this is a comedy store is completely black.
Yeah, it's pitch black.

Speaker 2 The ceiling's painted black. Right.

Speaker 3 And also, like, maybe red

Speaker 2 neon. Love the red.

Speaker 3 Right. So it's almost as if like it's like

Speaker 3 Darth Maul's costume. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It is. Yeah, yeah.
It is. It's like Darth Maul's costume, the comedy store.
But her house, but then she had a room where people would go in there and massage her that was completely pink.

Speaker 3 All pink. Yeah.
So imagine going through a blackish house and then there's this room that's brightly pink. Wow.
And she's in there. So it's, it was,

Speaker 3 one time I was at Thanksgiving with my

Speaker 3 brother.

Speaker 3 Paulie goes, dude.

Speaker 3 Pauli goes, dude, you got to have Thanksgiving with the family, right? And I go, no, Paul, because I'm with my brother Steve, and we're gonna do our, we're gonna go to, we're gonna go somewhere else.

Speaker 3 I think we're gonna go to the Stinking Rose. We're gonna go to the Stinking Rose, so we already have a plate.
Nah, dude.

Speaker 3 Nah, bro, you gotta come over, right? And they had already ate.

Speaker 3 Like, dinner was over. Well, no, I mean, they had started eating at two, and now it's four.

Speaker 3 But you know how you go to white people's Thanksgiving and the food's still out?

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's cold. Well, no, we leave it out.

Speaker 2 Don't leave it out. It's for seconds.
Don't leave it out. They just keep eating it.

Speaker 3 Don't leave it out. So my brother and I go over to the house and we have our plates and we're putting this cold turkey, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 And you know what I mean? And cranberry. And Mitzi's sitting at this table, wooden table, right? A round circular table.
And the only two seats that are open, right, are next to her. Damn.
Right.

Speaker 3 And so I'm like, I can't go. I have to sit there.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 So I'm sitting there. I go, how's it going, Mitzi? It's like, good.

Speaker 3 Happy Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 So I'm just talking to my brother. I swear to God, this happens.
And I hear this.

Speaker 3 I'm eating. I hear this

Speaker 3 noise.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah. And I go, what the fuck's that noise?

Speaker 3 Would you ever hear a noise like that? You wonder. Yeah, what is it? Yeah, yeah.
And I turn over and look at Mitzi.

Speaker 2 Her foot

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 2 on the table. Shut up.
I just wanna go.

Speaker 2 And her nails are so long. She's going, click.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Her foot is on the fucking dinner table. She's.
And she's doing this. And she's doing it

Speaker 2 on the fucking table, right? No.

Speaker 2 Try to enjoy a cold tree dinner

Speaker 2 with fucking, you know what I mean? Cold gravy and memory.

Speaker 2 What did you say? What do you mean?

Speaker 3 You can't see shit.

Speaker 2 Do you try it? You just put your foot up and try it right now.

Speaker 3 Right, because my nails aren't long enough. Her nails were like, you know how old people, they just fucking grow.

Speaker 2 Curls around the fucking toe.

Speaker 3 So she was doing that with it. And I look over and I and I and I I look at Mitzi and I

Speaker 3 and I look back at my brother and then all of a sudden like there was a countdown in my head of how long when to when to get out

Speaker 3 yeah when to get out yeah so that was how long did you stay I think for another 15 minutes and you were like we gotta go we have to get to know because we yeah we had reservations somewhere or whatever but um yeah that was like but that's kind of like going into the you're going into the

Speaker 2 the Queen's Palace, right? But like many things, you don't know that you don't really want to be there sometimes. That's like all those things.

Speaker 2 It's like when you get to meet someone or go to a cool house party, you think it's going to be cool. Yeah.
It's always the opposite of what you want. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I always thought

Speaker 2 the one the one time it turned out to be what I thought it was going to be, to be very honest,

Speaker 2 how many years ago? God, I don't know. Seven, maybe? Six? Seven? I went, Miley Cyrus, somehow through unexplained events.
We went to her house for her Halloween party.

Speaker 2 And in my mind, I was like, this is going to let me down for sure.

Speaker 2 Like, without a doubt, I'm going to have an idea of this, and it's going to be, they're going to know that I'm a nobody and kick me out.

Speaker 3 It's just before you go,

Speaker 3 a comic

Speaker 3 always has that thought. You have to.
We don't feel like we belong. We feel like it's almost a fraud.

Speaker 2 You're a fraud, and they're going to tell you.

Speaker 2 In your mind,

Speaker 2 somebody's going to go, why is he here? Yeah. I feel it.
And the whole party's going to go, oh, why are you here?

Speaker 3 Yeah. I remember just real quick, Dahlia and I were at a CAA Christmas party.
and his first opening line, Dahlia, Chris Dahlia, successful. Yeah, very.
You know, he goes, hey,

Speaker 3 do I look like I belong here?

Speaker 2 No, yeah. Was this recently? A couple years ago? Maybe a year ago.
Wow.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, yeah, you're fine. Do I look like I belong here? He's like, yeah.

Speaker 3 But it's like, and that's when I knew that we all have

Speaker 2 that way. Yeah, so go ahead.
Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus is having a Halloween party.
Yeah. We get invited through a friend of a friend because of whatever.
Nobody's business. But I show up,

Speaker 2 and I'm not kidding when I say the backyard of that girl's house

Speaker 2 was exactly what I thought it was going to be in my fantasy head.

Speaker 2 Insanely fun. People were naked.
People were having like a, there was like a food fight. Yeah.
It was, it was like a. Was it a wrecking ball? It felt like a movie.
That's what she came in on.

Speaker 2 But it felt like a fucking movie. She had all these little area set up so you could hide out and get high and party with people and drink and do drugs.
It was just such like a fantasy island place.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Like Epstein's Island.
It was similar to that kind of fun.

Speaker 2 Epstein's Island. Little kids running around.
No, it was just. It was so free and fun

Speaker 2 that I just.

Speaker 2 It was exactly what I wanted it to be, but thought it would never be.

Speaker 2 But that was the only time I've ever gone to a celebrities thing and gone, holy shit, this is a party all night long till four or five in the morning.

Speaker 2 The worst is

Speaker 2 TCA or any of of those like tv show like when you're on a tv show i'm on one i just did what i just did a tca yeah you you have to go to those events painful it's the worst painful painful human experience and they ask you questions that they know that you have no answer to yeah kevin hart is an executive producer on that show that i do yeah yeah okay

Speaker 2 of course they go hey you know you know and i know kevin hart's an executive producer as much as you're a fucking olympic athlete do you know what i mean

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 2 yeah he's an executive producer

Speaker 2 He's a great guy. I love him.

Speaker 2 His company is a part of it, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I mean, on Spling Up Together, Ellen DeGeneres was my executive producer. Yeah, well,

Speaker 2 she was around all the time. Never met her.
No, she didn't hang out all day.

Speaker 3 And then I went to the

Speaker 3 showrunner

Speaker 3 one day, and I go, What's Ellen like? She goes, I don't know her.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we don't know her.

Speaker 3 And she's the producer.

Speaker 2 And it's fine. Look, these companies, they need the weight of these companies to get things through.

Speaker 2 But this one reporter, I had had enough. I had gone through all the rooms.

Speaker 2 And then one reporter goes, so,

Speaker 2 Kevin Hart. And I go, yeah, Kevin Hart.
And, and, and she goes,

Speaker 2 I mean, how incredible to work with Kevin Hart. Yeah.
I go, let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 Kevin Hart is in the green room that I'm in right now. We're all sharing the same green room.
Yeah. It's about a 50-person room.
Yeah. Food, drinks, everything.
Executives, you know,

Speaker 2 I go, I've never met Kevin Hart. I'm in the room with him.
Still won't meet him. I'll go the whole day.
I'll go eight hours of this. We're never going to meet.
I know.

Speaker 2 And she was like, what, what, what? And I was like, that's not how this works. For some reason, people think that it's like, well, your buddy, you know that.
It's like, I don't. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know Kevin fucking.

Speaker 3 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart is such a big thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If I said, I'm on the show that you produce, he'd go, which show?

Speaker 2 I'd go, Dave on FX. And then he'd go, what is that? I produce that show?

Speaker 3 But for me, though, if I was the head of a production company and I had six or ten things that are on the air.

Speaker 2 He probably has 50 things. Whatever.
I would still fucking know. No.
No, you wouldn't.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't know.

Speaker 2 Because you'd have so much going on. He has so much going on.
Yeah. How could you balance that? Right.
It's hard for you to come here sometimes.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, that's true.

Speaker 3 That's true.

Speaker 2 It's just that I get it.

Speaker 2 By the way, Ellen, Ellen got in some deep shit. Why? Because she made a great joke.
People got mad at her.

Speaker 2 She put, you know, everyone's mad at celebrities for being like, I'm in quarantine and it's really hard. And they're, and everyone at home is like, yeah, right, your house is worth $30 million.

Speaker 2 What's hard about having nine wings in a bowling alley? Like, J-Lo had her son on a fucking, what are those things called the hoverboards?

Speaker 2 And she was serving, he was serving her and A-Rod drinks, and he was spinning around and they were like dancing. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's like celebratory fucking, we're having a tough time here and we're billionaires. Anyway, Ellen, people got mad at Ellen because she said,

Speaker 2 being in quarantine,

Speaker 2 I don't want to misquote it. Being in quarantine is just like like being in prison because you wear the same clothes every day and everybody's gay.
Something like that.

Speaker 2 Just a funny, she's just joking around. This joke, I know what you're doing.

Speaker 2 And everybody was like, you think it's like being in prison? How about the prisoners that are actually in prison?

Speaker 2 She's making a joke, dude. She's throwing a, it is a nonsense.

Speaker 3 It's nonsense.

Speaker 2 It doesn't mean anything. Yeah.
And the everybody's gay part

Speaker 2 is funny.

Speaker 7 It's funny.

Speaker 2 Yeah. She was just making a joke, but people ate her alive.
They were like,

Speaker 2 how disrespectful of those that are living in actual terrible conditions.

Speaker 2 It's like, okay, dude, what do you want?

Speaker 2 Here's my problem. Do you want comics to still make jokes during this time, or do you want us to say nothing at all? It's hard.
It's like a balance.

Speaker 2 What do you want her to do? She's making a fucking joke.

Speaker 3 What is she supposed to say? I mean, there's a way to do it, though. Like, Julia Luis Dreyfus

Speaker 3 just put out something. What'd she say? It was kind of like a coronavirus PCA about about staying indoors and this and that.

Speaker 3 But she was doing, she was basically looking at the camera and goes, normally I have,

Speaker 3 you know, a crew of people do my makeup, but you know, during quarantine, I do my own. And she's doing a PCA and she's doing her own makeup.
It's terrible.

Speaker 2 On purpose, right? On purpose.

Speaker 3 That's funny. It's really funny and cute.
And then she ends a video. It's a cute video, right? And you don't see her house.

Speaker 2 Right. That's people's problem.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you don't see.

Speaker 3 I always, whenever I see a celebrity, right,

Speaker 3 online, I always look at at the background first

Speaker 3 to see where they're at.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I do too.

Speaker 3 Like even Sebastian, I know he lives in a gigantic house, but when he takes videos, I see that you don't really see a lot of the house

Speaker 3 to make it seem like, you know, it's normal like everyone else's house. You know, I think you should have to be mindful about stuff like that.

Speaker 2 I agree. I'm just saying,

Speaker 2 you think people don't know Ellen has a big house?

Speaker 2 That was my Sebastian.

Speaker 2 You think people don't know has a big house?

Speaker 2 No, I mean, some things are unavoidable.

Speaker 2 She's one of the richest performers in the world.

Speaker 3 Let me throw out an idea. This is probably not popular.

Speaker 2 I'm making a fucking joke.

Speaker 3 Let me throw this.

Speaker 3 Ellen should be mindful about how people are struggling.

Speaker 2 Listen,

Speaker 3 but let me defend.

Speaker 2 They should be donating money, is what they all should be fucking doing.

Speaker 3 And Ellen should be, yeah, like, I mean,

Speaker 3 I get Venmo requests all the time. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Some of them ask for $2,000. I'm like, I don't know you.
I'm not going to send you that. But $25,000, anyway, don't do it now.

Speaker 2 But because people are listening.

Speaker 3 Now people are going to send you. Yeah, I know.
But people have, and I have given.

Speaker 3 But, you know,

Speaker 2 we're all in quarantine.

Speaker 3 And we're all, you know, it's one of those things that, like what I said last week, it's just like, you take yourself with you everywhere you're going to be.

Speaker 2 You take you with you, yeah.

Speaker 3 And I keep telling, you know,

Speaker 3 I've told my brother brother for years that, you know, yes, I'm, I don't live in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver Lake anymore. I have a little money saved up.

Speaker 3 Because my brother keeps going, sometimes goes, well, you got money.

Speaker 2 You should be happy, right?

Speaker 3 And those things don't necessarily fix you or, you know.

Speaker 2 But you are happy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I'm as happy as I was when I was living in Silver Lake as well.

Speaker 2 Of course, yeah.

Speaker 3 What I'm saying is, is that

Speaker 3 it didn't really change anything, right?

Speaker 2 But don't you feel better now that you have 10 bedrooms, 10 bedrooms?

Speaker 3 I don't have 10 bedrooms. Is it Robbie?

Speaker 2 I live in a three-bedroom.

Speaker 3 Why not live in a three-bedroom?

Speaker 2 Oh, like she's going to fucking.

Speaker 3 She lives in my fucking house.

Speaker 2 Listen, you live in a 10-bed household. I don't live in a 10-bedroom.

Speaker 2 10-jiz bathhouse. 10-jiz bath side.
Jizz is right. Yeah, yeah.
Jizz is right. No, you live in a nice place, but you worked hard for it.
But yeah, no, sure. You're not.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But it's not going to make you happy, but you're trying to be conscious of how you're received. People know that you have a nice place.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I don't really talk about it or I don't really,

Speaker 3 it's, you know, for a comedian at my age, at my level, it's probably the smallest place.

Speaker 2 Of people that are comparative to you? Yes. Yeah.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 So, um,

Speaker 3 also, I lived, you saw the apartment that I lived in, right, for multiple times. For

Speaker 3 15 years,

Speaker 3 small, it's a very small place. It was very humble.

Speaker 3 Yeah, humble, small place. So I've never been

Speaker 3 one to gloat about my situation, you know? But am I doing better than some?

Speaker 2 Yes, sure, yeah, you feel a responsibility. Do you feel a responsibility to give money?

Speaker 3 What's that noise?

Speaker 2 Oh, that's my phone. Who is it? Nobody.

Speaker 3 I love when you do that.

Speaker 2 Well, it's private. Well, no, no, no.
You can see. Here, you can see.

Speaker 2 You see who it was? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 I didn't know you knew Tom Hardy.

Speaker 2 Tom Hardy called. I'll say that.
I don't say that.

Speaker 2 Andrew. Yeah.
I've heard you made a joke about my sexuality.

Speaker 3 Yeah, let me ask you something.

Speaker 3 Do you have big stars on your phone?

Speaker 2 You've asked me this before. Yeah, there's somebody in my phone that I.
Yeah, there's people in my phone. There's people in my phone that aren't.
I wish you would call someone in your phone.

Speaker 2 I wish you would call the biggest person in your phone. Call.
You have Ellen's number? No. We should call Neil Brennan.
He's friends with Ellen.

Speaker 2 He'll call Ellen for us and ask her to apologize live on the air for what she said and what she did.

Speaker 2 Should we do that?

Speaker 2 What do you think?

Speaker 3 Jules likes it. Do you think these rumors are true about Ellen about About how.

Speaker 3 She's straight?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 3 I'm going to talk about Ellen real quick. So, Ellen DeGeneres, you know, have you ever

Speaker 3 played the Dallas improv?

Speaker 3 Addison? Addison.

Speaker 2 Not yet. I'm about to.
You're about to.

Speaker 3 And you've never played Addison? No.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Dude, I've only played Austin.
I've only played Cap City. Wow.

Speaker 3 So have you done Houston improv? Nope.

Speaker 2 All right. So.
They're back to back on the books for me. Oh, they are? Yeah.

Speaker 3 So there are clubs I've been playing for 25 years. Jesus, yeah.

Speaker 3 In In fact,

Speaker 3 the Addison improv has been there for so long. There's actually a drawer of lineups they had in the 80s.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 One of the lineups I had was Diane Ford that I saw. It was headlined.
You probably don't know who he did.

Speaker 2 Diane Ford? Yeah.

Speaker 3 I know who the name is. Yeah, Diane Ford's headlining.
The feature, this is in 1990.

Speaker 2 Wow. Was Jeff Garland.

Speaker 3 Wow. The MC,

Speaker 3 Judd Apatow. Wow.
So I love looking at old, you know what I mean? I love shit like that. So you're going to meet a guy named Jeff Lala, and he runs all the improvs in

Speaker 3 Texas. And he's this old, crotchety, deep-voiced.
He smokes a thousand cigarettes a day. I love this.

Speaker 3 But back in the 80s, he told me that

Speaker 3 I used to

Speaker 3 pick Ellen at the airport. We used to drive to club to club.
I used to stay at these shitty hotels, and she used to do the roads, one-nighters, you know. So, Ellen is an old-school comedy workhorse.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's been around for a long time. Yes.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and she had put in some road time.

Speaker 2 Yes. Right.

Speaker 3 But now I hear stories about how, like, some people,

Speaker 3 she has a rule that some people can't lock eyes with her.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Or like Steve Harvey, you heard about that too, about on his show. You know what I mean? They had a memo, don't lock eyes with Steve Harvey.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Well, that was a whole controversy. How do you want people coming into his office asking him questions?

Speaker 3 I know, but where do you where how come some people are like that?

Speaker 3 And then some people, like, you know, I've met James Core, you know, all these other younger guys. They're not like that.
Well, how do you become like that?

Speaker 2 People feed it.

Speaker 3 Why are you smirking when I'm talking like this?

Speaker 2 Because it's controversial. No, no, no.
I know. You think we're getting in trouble? No.
Why? You didn't say anything. I didn't say anything wrong.

Speaker 2 No, what I'm smiling about is the idea that I don't know if that is true. I've heard rumors.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you hear things. That's true.

Speaker 2 You hear things from people that have said that Ellen has has a very particular set of rules when you work with her. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I can't comment because I don't know.

Speaker 3 Yeah, either.

Speaker 2 I shouldn't have brought it up, but based on, but based on what I know, that sounds like a really fucked up thing to do to people. Why do people get away with it in Hollywood?

Speaker 2 Because they let them and

Speaker 2 it's all good.

Speaker 2 People, people, because an assistant will put up with it and it perpetuates the nonsense. Yeah.
That's why Hollywood people get to act like brats. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I worked on a show, I've worked on many things with unbelievable brats people that do crazy shit have people fired yell at people

Speaker 2 someone i worked with was yelling at at the fucking eps in the parking lot in front of everyone going i'm the cunt so i'm the cunt yeah didn't lose her job right nothing happened i love watching fights on oh it's it's fucking awesome

Speaker 3 it's fucking awesome because you get this like because i get into this thing where my body goes like this

Speaker 3 it vibrates it vibrates because i'm in shock yeah you don't know how to react. Yeah, so when like people are screaming at each other on a set, my body just goes,

Speaker 3 and I focus in on it. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I go, what's going on? What's happening?

Speaker 3 Is this going to end?

Speaker 2 When is this over?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Like, I love, like, this is, it wasn't a big deal, but like on Splitting Up Together, there was a, I could hear some of the producers raise their voice at Jenna Fisher.

Speaker 3 about something, which I don't want to get into.

Speaker 2 Right, but you should.

Speaker 3 But a little bit of raising the voice. They yelled at her.

Speaker 2 A little bit.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to say.

Speaker 3 What did she do?

Speaker 2 Did she say, when this is over, I'm starting a podcast? And they were like, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 3 I don't know what it was. I do, but I don't want to

Speaker 2 say it. Okay, it's fine.
I don't want to say it. But what was it?

Speaker 3 You fucker.

Speaker 2 But then we were going,

Speaker 2 you were vibrating.

Speaker 3 Yeah, vibrating, yeah. And they yelled.

Speaker 2 Did she yell back?

Speaker 3 No, she's a sweet girl.

Speaker 2 She's very balanced.

Speaker 3 She is a sweet lady. I like her a lot.
You know what?

Speaker 2 I think to answer what you were saying, people are like that before they got famous. It just exacerbated it.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 whatever those things are, they come out much, much worse because you know people that have had shoot-up rocket careers, and some of them are the same, and some of them aren't.

Speaker 2 You know, the season finale was last night for Modern or the series finale for Modern Family. Yeah.
And

Speaker 2 everyone but Ed O'Neill, Sophia Vergara, okay, but everyone besides Ed O'Neill wasn't a famous actor on that show. I know.
Not a one of them. I know.
Okay? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They rocketeered to the sky. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would be interested to know which of them have dynamically changed the most.

Speaker 3 Well, yesterday I texted Stone Street.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because your friends were there.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because I sent him

Speaker 2 the fucking Instagram thing. I know.

Speaker 2 He liked it.

Speaker 3 No, he'll tell you what he texted back.

Speaker 3 Andrew, no. Stone Street says, basically, you're disgusting.

Speaker 2 What did I say to you?

Speaker 3 You said,

Speaker 3 Santino, you said,

Speaker 3 God, so gross and funny. What time tomorrow?

Speaker 3 You went right to business.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, I just was like, this is awesome. I love it.
I was thumbing through it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I would have to say, because I only know Stone Street.

Speaker 2 So he went from just a regular actor to

Speaker 2 through the roof.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I met Stone Street when I was a commercial actor.

Speaker 2 I know, yeah, we played that commercial.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. And then, so, um, and then one day he goes, I got the show, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And can I tell you

Speaker 3 what kind of a guy Stone Street is? Yeah.

Speaker 3 I'm going to get emotional. Please don't.

Speaker 3 So Stone Street's on his third year on Modern Family. And they're shooting.

Speaker 3 I forget what lot is it. Either, it's not Radford.
It was Paramount.

Speaker 2 Yeah, weren't they? No, no, no. Weren't they at

Speaker 2 Fox? They were on Fox. Oh, yeah, it was at Fox.

Speaker 2 It was Fox. Yeah.
It was Fox. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And I

Speaker 2 remember. Sony.

Speaker 3 Sony. It was at Sony.

Speaker 2 Sony, Covid. It was Sony.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Sony.

Speaker 2 Warner Brothers.

Speaker 3 I don't know what the fuck it is, man.

Speaker 3 But I remember having an audition for some sort of series, right? Right. And I was like, at that moment in my career, I didn't have Tiger Bell or anything.
And I didn't have Kalila. And I was

Speaker 3 so desperate to get a job.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right.

Speaker 3 And I remember walking, you know how you, when you audition for a show like that, you have to go through the gate and then you have to make that three-mile walk to whatever fucking building.

Speaker 2 You have a pass and they're like, you know where to park? And you're like, yeah, where? And they're like, nine miles that way, and you got to walk over there.

Speaker 3 And it's like walking through first class when you're a coach because you have to walk through people that are already on a show.

Speaker 2 And they're staring at you.

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, though. So Modern Family was shooting a scene

Speaker 3 and I was walking past it like really fast because I knew I didn't want Eric to see me, but he fucking saw me.

Speaker 3 So Stone Street goes, Hold up a second. And he follows me to the audition.

Speaker 2 No. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 3 So I'm sitting there in the audition, in this little lobby room, right?

Speaker 3 He opens the door and he tells everyone. He looks at me and he goes, Bobby.
I go, what the fuck, dude? He goes, it doesn't have to be perfect.

Speaker 3 I go, what do you mean? Your audition.

Speaker 3 Just get the gist. It's okay to make a mistake.

Speaker 2 That's nice.

Speaker 3 Right? It doesn't have to be perfect.

Speaker 2 That's very nice.

Speaker 3 And he walked out because he wanted me to. I didn't get it, but

Speaker 3 I didn't get it. But I remember having an okay audition because he, you're right, because when I sit there, for me, I go, if I don't have this down word for word.

Speaker 2 Oh, you were being, you're a panic attack.

Speaker 3 I was, I was having one of those times in my career where I was so desperate that I had to kill it.

Speaker 3 And he took a lot of that pressure away by saying that.

Speaker 2 By just being a friend. Yeah.

Speaker 3 And so, and here's a guy that's, he had already won, I think, his first Emmy at the point, at that time.

Speaker 2 I mean, season three, they were fucking rolling around.

Speaker 3 Rolling, yeah. So he was killing it.
So, you know, he, he, I, I don't see that he changed at all.

Speaker 2 He's a great A dude. I love him.
He's a great guy.

Speaker 3 That's good to hear. I love him.

Speaker 2 That's good to hear that's something that they, look, we've all, there's people that I know that have gotten skyrocket fame and haven't changed. Yeah.
Like, just not even a little bit.

Speaker 2 Not even, they haven't even changed kind of how they live, which is even more unusual.

Speaker 2 There's some people I know that they made a ton of money, they did a lot of stuff, and they're kind of this exact same person.

Speaker 2 And I think the top of that list for me, and I don't even know him, I think Galifanakis is.

Speaker 3 Oh, God, he's the best.

Speaker 2 He drives.

Speaker 2 He drives a Subaru still, his same outback.

Speaker 2 That's the kind of guy where you're like, oh, he's the, where Jerry Seinfeld has 90 Porsches. Yeah.
And

Speaker 2 someone like Zach has one Subaru. It speaks volumes over like,

Speaker 2 I don't really need stuff.

Speaker 3 A couple years ago, I was in a movie called.

Speaker 2 By By the way, it's fine to own 90 porses.

Speaker 3 I would like them to keep up keeping up with the Joneses. I was in that movie.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you did that?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was in that movie.

Speaker 2 I auditioned for that. Did you? Didn't get it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm in it.

Speaker 2 And a couple rewrites on it, actually.

Speaker 3 I'm in it. And it was bad.
Good scenes. But anyway, the movie was bad.
Shut the fuck up. Movie was bad.
Watch the movie.

Speaker 2 Movie was bad.

Speaker 3 I have a really funny scene.

Speaker 2 Movie was bad.

Speaker 3 Anyway, so I'm in Georgia.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Atlanta.

Speaker 3 And as soon as

Speaker 2 I know. What? Georgia? Atlanta.
you think I'm thinking about the country, Georgia? I know where you are. Jules, don't laugh.
Jules, laugh. Jules, laugh.
I love it. Yeah.
Go.

Speaker 3 And I remember, so the director wanted to see my outfit

Speaker 2 because I was in wardrobe.

Speaker 3 Right. And they're like, the director wants to get, you have to get in the van.
You got to drive to set right now. I fucking hate that.
Right.

Speaker 2 So I'm in this van, right?

Speaker 3 And I'm driving to set. And so I show up at set, and the director comes up behind Video Village and goes, yep, yep.
Okay, good. Right.
But then zach sees me

Speaker 2 and he goes oh my god he gives me a hug right

Speaker 3 and then the next day i'm shooting and you know how like um

Speaker 3 the stars get a certain tent yeah there's like a white tent it was really hot and they had these air conditioning things they had me by the stable, right? The horse stable.

Speaker 3 Right. Yeah.
And it was like, I didn't even get like a chair. It was just like, I'm on a curb and just smoking.

Speaker 2 Like, right?

Speaker 3 Insane. chain smoking, chain smoking, right? And I remember Zach goes, Um, dude, come on, white tent.

Speaker 3 So, I walk in the white tent, and John Ham's there, yeah.

Speaker 3 And I sit there with they have a seat for me, and I just hang out with John Ham and Zach. Because if it wasn't for Zach, obviously, I wouldn't be there, right? But he made me feel so comfortable.

Speaker 3 I have a photo on Instagram, we took a selfie, whatever, of you and you three, me, us three, right? And um,

Speaker 3 and I just thought to myself, Oh,

Speaker 3 you haven't changed.

Speaker 2 You're a good dude. Yeah.
It makes me like him fucking so much more. What a good dude.
When I watched his Live of the Purple Onion, it was one of the greatest specials.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I love that one. To this day, it's still.
Let me tell you one quick story about a guy that I want to say that passed away last year. Last year? This year? Goddamn.
The years get mixed up. Cody? No.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. There's an actor named Robert Forrester.
Do you know who that is?

Speaker 3 Of course, I know Robert Forrester.

Speaker 2 Okay, Forrester was on I'm Dying Up Here.

Speaker 2 He played

Speaker 2 the father of

Speaker 2 one of the characters that passed away.

Speaker 3 Are you sure he was on it?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 Mr. Forrester, Rest in Peace, who's now passed away.

Speaker 2 One of the most telling things I think I've ever seen in my entire life.

Speaker 2 He was wrapped. He was done.

Speaker 2 And as he left, he went up to every single person. I'm not kidding.
And he handed them. a letter opener that was like a custom letter opener from him to

Speaker 2 something simple but it was a heavy, heavy, nice letter opener. And he's like, just a piece of my gratitude.
And he handed it to every single person.

Speaker 2 Dude, there was a shitload of people that worked on that fucking show, right? And he handed one to everybody and said, thank you. And that was the last time I ever saw him.
Then he passed away.

Speaker 2 I still have the letter opener in my drawer today, but I was, I spoke volumes. A guy who's been in the business for probably, I don't know, 40, 50, who fucking knows? And he still gave a goodbye gift.

Speaker 2 That's, that's, that's meaningful as fuck. Have you ever given a goodbye gift?

Speaker 3 What the fuck am I gonna do with a letter opener?

Speaker 2 Open fucking letters, Bob.

Speaker 3 I've never gotten a letter in my life. You don't get letters?

Speaker 2 I get letters all the time.

Speaker 3 You know what I was gonna go, fuck you, Forrester.

Speaker 2 You get me? Bob.

Speaker 3 Is this a dull knife? What is this?

Speaker 2 It's a dull knife.

Speaker 3 I'd be grateful. It was very is it engraved or no?

Speaker 2 Mm-hmm.

Speaker 3 That's real nice.

Speaker 2 It says, fuck the Koreans.

Speaker 3 It's real nice.

Speaker 2 It was sweet, though. Have you ever given a gift goodbye? No.

Speaker 3 No, but I have given Christmas gifts. I was so

Speaker 3 fucked. This is so cheesy.
This is so gross. What did you give? So the first year I was on Mad TV,

Speaker 3 nobody liked me.

Speaker 2 No shit.

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 3 I could, because they would tell me.

Speaker 3 Producers would tell me, like, just don't go into that office. They don't like you.

Speaker 3 It was not liked. Right.
Yeah, I had this weird kind of, I was so scared and frightened, right, that it came out in the weirdest ways.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
I know, I see you do it. You do? Yeah, you do it all the time.
Fuck you. When you get scared or fucked up, you do weird shit.

Speaker 3 So, yeah, I'm

Speaker 3 really strange. Like, I couldn't, like, talk to people.

Speaker 3 And I would try to make jokes and nobody liked me. You know, it was just desperate.
I was desperate to get on because they wouldn't put me in sketches. I was desperate.

Speaker 3 So I spent, and I didn't even get that much money, but I, one paycheck I got, it was like, we got $4,500.

Speaker 2 That was for a week of work. A week of work, right?

Speaker 3 Which is good money, but in showbiz, not.

Speaker 2 Not show business, right? Right, right.

Speaker 3 So, and then what you get with taxes and your agents and managers, you get $2,000. But I spent the whole fucking thing on Christmas gifts because I was so desperate.

Speaker 2 For people to like you.

Speaker 3 For people to like me.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 And I would write letters to people that I knew didn't like me. Thank you so much.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 What was the gift?

Speaker 3 I got everyone different things. Like, I went specific.
Like, I'm going to buy this person wine because I think they like wine. That's a lot.
And I did, and I did it.

Speaker 3 And I remember going to each and then giving it to people. And then they're going,

Speaker 3 them going, thanks.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? Because they have to

Speaker 3 accept it. But I just remember me being so needy and just going, here you go.
From my bottom, I think, happy holidays.

Speaker 2 Do you like me? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I wish I hadn't done that. What was the most expensive thing you bought?

Speaker 3 I bought like

Speaker 3 a first-generation iPod or something like that for like a producer that I knew that didn't like me. Did he like you after?

Speaker 3 But then what happened was there was a magazine, there was an Asian magazine where I called everyone out.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 What's the Asian magazine called?

Speaker 3 It was called Noodle Week. Either Korea M or it was something like that.

Speaker 3 And I remember, it was the first year I was on Matt, and I remember calling people out specifically.

Speaker 2 This writer, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Hasn't written me a single sketch.

Speaker 3 And then I remember coming to work and the one of the dick blasuchi one of the producers going we have a problem coming into the the um conference room right and i walk into the conference room and there's a stack of these magazines and like six people that i called out and go hash this out

Speaker 2 hash this out right now what and i'm like what the

Speaker 2 How do you know that even this magazine exists? Yeah, how would they know?

Speaker 3 This is before the internet.

Speaker 2 Yeah, how the fuck would they know about some Korean magazine?

Speaker 3 Because one of them

Speaker 2 got it.

Speaker 3 No, one of them, somebody told us.

Speaker 2 Someone, someone. Yeah, I don't know how, but they did.

Speaker 3 And it was so.

Speaker 2 Do you have to apologize?

Speaker 3 No, I didn't.

Speaker 3 Why did you know? Because I go, I was defensive. I go, because, listen, I know I'm not a second city guy.
I know that you guys write for only second city guys. Right.
Right? I'm a comic.

Speaker 3 I don't know how to fucking do this thing. Right.

Speaker 3 And I know that, you know, I wasn't good. I wasn't good.
I was terrible at terrible table reads. And I was so bad at rehearsals.
I just, I'd never been on a show before.

Speaker 3 So I would just like, you know, I was scared.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You were learning.

Speaker 3 I was, I learned to do everything on that show. And you're great for it.
And it took me years. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 But eventually I learned, but

Speaker 3 I remember defending myself. I go, yeah, but they did do these things.

Speaker 2 Right. What did the people say?

Speaker 3 And they were like yelling at me.

Speaker 3 dude you're new on the show why shut the fuck up

Speaker 2 you know i mean and i who are some of the writers do you remember who they are i don't want to get in come on no it's in the past i don't give a fuck you're trying to call me out and get in trouble i'm not gonna get in trouble yet we'll be right back after these messages

Speaker 2 no what do you mean you can you're it's already it's in the past you mentioned the writers before no no no no no are they still writing yeah

Speaker 2 name one they're all killing name one of them that you love All the writers that I did love?

Speaker 2 Give me the one that you called out that you actually really like.

Speaker 3 there's a okay so there was a couple of writers on the show that um that i didn't would didn't like me at first but over the years of being with me on the show they became allies and they wrote me the best sketches i've ever been on that's huge yeah do you still work with any of them now no

Speaker 3 that's huge too um i love them dear i miss them and i think they're super talented and i actually one of them are they harvard guys They're they're groundlings guys, but they always have a couple of Harvard writers and stuff.

Speaker 3 Yeah, there'll be these guys were groundling guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And but I can talk about I had some allies as well, you know what I mean, on the show early on.

Speaker 2 What actors were allies?

Speaker 3 When I first got on the show.

Speaker 2 Michael McDonald, was he an ally? Now he hated you, huh?

Speaker 2 I think he did, yeah. Does he hate you now?

Speaker 3 I love him.

Speaker 2 Love him to death.

Speaker 3 I didn't talk to him for years. How about Sass?

Speaker 3 He was the only one.

Speaker 2 He's the only one?

Speaker 3 Him and Mo Collins.

Speaker 2 Him and Moe.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Alex Borstein was on her way out.
You know who she is? Yeah. Yeah.
So Borstein

Speaker 3 was very nice to me.

Speaker 2 Do I know who she is? I don't know. She's massively famous.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So Borstein was

Speaker 3 super sweet. Yeah.
And

Speaker 3 she would give me pointers and this and that. But

Speaker 3 it was really Will.

Speaker 2 Sasso was the one that really.

Speaker 3 Will was the only one that was like, come over to the house. I'm having barbecue.
Or let's go to this party.

Speaker 3 So I went, I did a bunch of shit, and then I betrayed him. What did you do? When he left the show, I started getting popular on the show.

Speaker 3 And then for like a three or four year period, he would text me all the time. I would never return his text.

Speaker 2 Piece of shit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's a piece of shit thing. Why would you do that?

Speaker 2 Is he okay with you now? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 3 We're very good friends.

Speaker 2 But, I mean, what was the makeup point that you said? I'm sorry I got ahead of myself.

Speaker 3 It was when my career wasn't doing well. And

Speaker 3 it was not doing well. And I had been friends with Dahlia.

Speaker 3 But Dahlia, and I was friends with Dahlia and Callan.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And this is when they were doing 10-minute podcasts.

Speaker 2 Right, so they were hanging out together.

Speaker 3 And then they invited me, they were going to Coffee Bean in Los Files, and I met Will there as well. And I made my amends.
I told him I loved him, and then we became friends again.

Speaker 2 That's really nice. Yeah.
Well, I mean, you, for a long time, dude, as long as I've known you, you did have a lot of phone problems.

Speaker 2 You had a lot of phone issues.

Speaker 2 You were not good for a long time at texting back and stuff. You know that's true.
Yeah, but I've bitched about it in the past.

Speaker 3 I'm better now.

Speaker 2 You're much better.

Speaker 2 You know why you're better? Why? It's one person. Who? It's a girl.
Kalila? Mm-hmm. That's not why.
She's made you better.

Speaker 3 I've been dating her for seven fucking years, and in the last six months, I've been fucking being better at texting back.

Speaker 3 It was because when my dad died, and I went to that place, and I got sober again is what I was part of my, it's a part of my being present and being accountable.

Speaker 2 Who was there to hold mindful

Speaker 2 you red-headed freak who was there to work you through it kalila was there the whole time over

Speaker 2 it was kalila you fuck i'll rip your eyebrows whenever i get a text back from you by the way i got two separate texts the other day one from bobby and one from kalila maybe the funniest and i'm not kidding i laughed harder that afternoon than i've laughed in and i mean this in years

Speaker 2 Bobby sent me a picture of his cock resting on his balls outside of above his pants. He was doing over the fence.

Speaker 2 Everyone knows over the fence, through the gator, over the fence, but it's over the fence. His balls were overhead, the top of his boxers, and his dick was resting on it.

Speaker 2 And he's going like this. It's far away, and you kind of have to focus to see his penis because the focus in the picture is up here.
And then you look down, of course, there's his penis.

Speaker 2 And I laughed because I've seen his penis, and that's very funny. Within seconds,

Speaker 2 I get another text from Kalila.

Speaker 2 It's the same picture from a different angle, and she just writes, from a different angle.

Speaker 2 She took a photo of me.

Speaker 2 It made me laugh so fucking hard to get another perspective of the exact same photo. Yeah.
It just made me, it just was like, that's that's real love.

Speaker 2 When you send a picture of your penis to your buddy, and your girlfriend goes, I'm going to get a picture of you getting a picture of your penis and send it to the friend that you're very funny.

Speaker 3 Send those dick pics to you and Delia.

Speaker 2 I know, because I can handle it. He doesn't like that shit.

Speaker 3 He'll go,

Speaker 3 I'll tell you what his response was. It's It's right here.
So Delia said,

Speaker 3 There he is right there.

Speaker 2 So he goes, Do you ever have to see this stuff, Jules? Do you ever see his penis and all that stuff? No. No, that's gross.
So it says, but I've seen his butt.

Speaker 3 You've seen his butt. Shut up, Jules.
You've never seen my asshole.

Speaker 2 My butt? You've seen my butt. Have you, speaking of the mic, have you really seen his butt?

Speaker 3 Yeah. When did you see my butt?

Speaker 6 When you performed somewhere.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, on stage.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no shit.

Speaker 3 Yeah, everyone's seen that, Jules. Come on.

Speaker 2 It's still uncomfortable for her.

Speaker 3 So I'm going to cover this. So I said, thinking of you.

Speaker 2 And he goes, damn it, Bobby.

Speaker 3 That's usually a good thing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but he, but, you know, he gets the joke. He doesn't love those jokes, but he gets them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he does get it. Yeah, he gets them.
Chris has a good sense of humor.

Speaker 3 When we have dinner, he always goes, can Toki do a show?

Speaker 3 And I always go, okay.

Speaker 3 So we'll be at like swingers or something. Rest in peace.
Rest in peace, swingers. And I will pull my dick out at the table, right? And I'll stretch out the skin.
Batwings.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and do Toky the Dump Dumb.

Speaker 2 We'll do like a little a cappella. You know what I mean? Hello, my name is Poki Toky Dun Dung.
Hello. You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 And do a little thing, and they just laugh and laugh and laugh. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Speaker 2 When do you think you'll stop doing stuff like that? Never. What are you in? Like 60s and 70s?

Speaker 3 I'm 48 now. Who gives you 48?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Holy shit.
How old are you? Fuck you, Bobby.

Speaker 3 40.

Speaker 2 Fuck you, Bobby. Are you 42?

Speaker 2 what are you you know i'm below 40.

Speaker 3 are you 38

Speaker 2 lower 36 lower you are lower 35 lower 34 lower 33 lower

Speaker 2 i'm not just tell me now 31 you're only 31 no bobby i'm not i know that's impossible i'm 36 that's not possible i'm 36. are you really

Speaker 2 You're a fucking ass.

Speaker 2 I am. I'm 36.
I want to look it up. Why do I care?

Speaker 3 Well, just tell me the truth.

Speaker 2 You brought an illegal Filipino child in here. I can say whatever the fuck I want.

Speaker 2 I'm 36.

Speaker 3 Andrew Santino.

Speaker 2 I was born in 83. The internet will tell you the truth.
Yeah. 80s, baby.

Speaker 2 God, 40 or 48. When I first fucking moved here,

Speaker 3 you're 36 years old.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm 36.

Speaker 3 It's so funny when you put Andrew Santino, the first photo that goes up is, and then it says 48 right here.

Speaker 2 Fuck you.

Speaker 3 What's Andrew Santino's age, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 36.

Speaker 3 Look at the first photo. You.
Yeah. And it says 48.

Speaker 2 Well, you know why it says you, 48? What? Because people know that we're in love. And people want to associate love with their buds, with their pals.

Speaker 3 Fields 40. It has all the people, huh?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it does like suggested searches on stuff like that. Yeah.
I don't like shit like that. You know what it's been doing a lot? You know what I talked about?

Speaker 2 I'm not going to say it, but I talked about something recently, doing something to my house. I was like, I really need to get this done before the summer.

Speaker 2 So hopefully I can get this done in the meantime. With all this shit, Instagram.
Every day. Ad for it.

Speaker 2 And ad for it. Pops up on my Google searches now.

Speaker 3 What is it?

Speaker 2 I can't say it. Just say it.
I can't.

Speaker 3 Just fucking say it. And we'll cut it out.

Speaker 2 15-jet hot tub. 15-seat hot tub.

Speaker 2 It's a boat. I want a boat for my house on the roof.

Speaker 2 No, but now the ads are going to be.

Speaker 3 Let me ask you something. Yeah.
On Instagram, because I just, all the ads that I get, right, for some reason are about about cats.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but if you talk about cats.

Speaker 3 Like, cat beds,

Speaker 3 cat toys. Why does it, how does it know that I like cats?

Speaker 2 Do you search for cute cats?

Speaker 2 Do you do searches for cats on Instagram? Do you ever look at cat profiles?

Speaker 3 I follow about 20 cat profiles.

Speaker 2 What the fuck else do you need to know?

Speaker 3 Oh, it does that?

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 3 It knows. So if I start, let's say if I start following hamburgers,

Speaker 3 it'll give me grill

Speaker 2 ads and anything thereof. Anything around there.
Oh, my God. I follow a couple of car.
I follow a couple of

Speaker 2 car Instagram things.

Speaker 3 Yeah. So you get car ads.

Speaker 2 So not only that, it's really even below that. It goes even deeper.
There's a guy named Matt Watson who's on a thing called CarWow, which is a YouTube channel.

Speaker 2 I get suggestions every day to follow him on Instagram.

Speaker 3 I don't get a lot. That's how it's algorithms.

Speaker 2 The algorithms are deep.

Speaker 2 But it goes to the weirdest crevice. Yeah.
Sometimes it goes to places where I'm like, how would you even know that that I'd be interested in that?

Speaker 3 By the way, I am asked Jules. So I've ordered probably 10 cat products of Instagram.

Speaker 3 So it's working. No, but not only is it no, it's not because I've paid for them.
Yeah. They say they've arrived at my house.
There's none in the house.

Speaker 2 You're just getting robbed?

Speaker 3 I don't know. 15 of them.
The little you know, controlled mouse thing, the salmon that flips up and down.

Speaker 2 Oh, the salmon that flips. I think that's a funny ad.
I've seen it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've bought all that.
I bought a cat window thing where you put it on the bet.

Speaker 2 Have you followed the tracking on it?

Speaker 3 Yeah, arrive, and it says it's arrived.

Speaker 2 Maybe, is it going to your old place? No.

Speaker 3 I just don't. They don't.
None of it is. And I asked her.
She was there. I had a meltdown over it once.
Is that true?

Speaker 6 Yeah, he got angry.

Speaker 2 Why? What are you getting? What happened? Where's all my cat shit?

Speaker 2 Let me hear from Jules. What happened, Jules?

Speaker 6 We were driving, and then he told me.

Speaker 3 Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 6 We were driving, and then he asked asked Atikalaila to help him and then Atikalaila said that I'm doing something else and then he got really mad.

Speaker 2 And he threw a fit?

Speaker 6 Yeah, and he said that

Speaker 6 you don't want to help me. Like you make you make me sound like I'm the bad guy.

Speaker 6 And then Atikalaila got mad and yelled at him.

Speaker 2 What did she say to him?

Speaker 6 I forgot.

Speaker 2 Did she cuss at him?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 2 It was a fight. It was a real fight.
A real fight. That's a real fight over cat stuff.

Speaker 2 It's okay.

Speaker 2 I just want my cat shit. I know, baby.
I know you want your cat stuff. Do you want me to start buying it and see if it comes to me?

Speaker 3 I already spent all the money on it.

Speaker 2 Well, can you follow up?

Speaker 3 Bamboo pants. I bought these bamboo pants on.
All right, here we go.

Speaker 2 If there's any cat companies out there that make cool cat stuff, will you please send some to Bob, please?

Speaker 3 I just want the salmon one. I want the little remote control mouse one.

Speaker 2 He wants the floppy salmon, the remote control mouse, and the window hammock. Can we get that stuff, please? Whoever does any of the cat stuff?

Speaker 3 Yeah? I already paid for them, so give it to me.

Speaker 2 Just give it to him, will you?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What a good day today. This has been a good day.

Speaker 2 I want to thank Ted Munz for our amazing new art. We're going to hang up the other signs when we get a chance.
It's been a great day. Please stay safe.
Say that. Please stay safe.
Please stay safe.

Speaker 3 You know, here, I'm going to say, let's not end right now. Let me just say about some quarantine advice, okay? Okay.
I know dudes now personally that are dying from it.

Speaker 2 You do? Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know.

Speaker 3 Not personally, but I know

Speaker 2 I don't know them personally,

Speaker 3 but like John Prine just died.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's really sad. I love that guy.
Yeah, rest in peace, man.

Speaker 3 He's awesome. The lead singer from fucking Fountains of Wayne died.

Speaker 2 Wait, really? Yeah. He did? Yeah.
Holy shit.

Speaker 3 So, you know.

Speaker 3 And then when people go, well, you know, the weak are going to die up this and that. It's like, we don't.

Speaker 3 Adam wouldn't have died if he had the flu.

Speaker 2 You know, it's so funny. They still have gatherings of, they say it's gatherings of 10 or more.
So there's people that are still getting together in groups of 10 that have to be around other people.

Speaker 2 Have you seen this preacher there's a preacher that did oh yeah in tampa bay he did like 1500 people or something church churches are still going on in louisiana in florida what's it what was his name do you know what his name was there he was arrested yeah he had a gathering of 1800 people

Speaker 2 no that's not the guy though this is oh yeah yeah here it is yeah this guy this is absolutely

Speaker 2 yeah holding church services stay-at-home order yeah look at this guy look at it look at this look at this guy's face that's jesus he's a very good yeah very good preacher though yeah one of my favorites let me But in Louisiana, they're still holding church services.

Speaker 2 God, I can't. Why are they doing that, man?

Speaker 2 This is Jesus. I know.
I tweeted about it. This woman had said, did you see this on Twitter? I'd said this woman was like,

Speaker 2 I'm covered in Jesus's blood. It's never going to affect me.

Speaker 2 Have you seen this?

Speaker 2 I've seen a lot of videos.

Speaker 3 This is ridiculous.

Speaker 2 I mean, people think that

Speaker 2 people think that that's going to save them.

Speaker 3 But what they don't get is that I don't give a fuck what you do.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 3 But your actions affect the rest of us.

Speaker 2 We were just attacked. Hong Kong additional was.
I'm covered in Jesus' blood. I'm covered in Jesus' blood.

Speaker 2 I'm covered in Jesus' blood. That's a good song.
I'm covered in Jesus' blood.

Speaker 3 I'm covered in Jesus' blood. That's a great song.

Speaker 2 That's a great remix to it.

Speaker 2 This woman, though, she goes, I'm covered in Jesus' blood. They're not going to kill me.
They're not going to get me.

Speaker 2 What an insane idea to be like, I'm fine. Stay safe.
Do the best that you can.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being here.

Speaker 2 thank you for being a bad friend.