From the Bottom of My Happy Heart
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You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
I think
Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
Well, you two are something.
Bad friends.
Honey, come home from the war.
You are missed.
Come home to daddy.
Daddy miss you so much.
Baby, come home.
Baby,
you're loved.
Baby,
you died.
Wow.
She died.
Johnny died in the song.
Johnny died in the song?
Yeah, he was in the war, and
he had some sort of gangrene on his leg because he stepped on an IED.
He stepped on an IUD or an IED?
IUD.
An IUD.
He stepped on a birth control.
He had a bomb, not a bomb.
Oh, he stepped on a birth control thing.
Yeah, yeah.
That's why I got gangrene.
Wow.
IEDE would have been blown off.
Yeah.
But IUD stepped on a birth control yeah um
I'm wondering if you were in because I see a lot of war movies and I feel like in like the movie platoon
you would be the Kevin Dylan character sure
you would like make a Vietnamese guy hop up and down on one leg yep and dance yep and you'd be the guy that like you know you're like the guy that like the other platoon soldiers go oh did you see what Andrew did back in the village yeah he tortured that little Korean boy.
He raped a baby.
No.
He raped a baby.
No, I didn't.
He walked into the hut, he picked up the baby, and he just started having sex with it.
I wouldn't have sex with it.
I would throw it.
I might throw it or kick it.
I might throw it or kick it.
Bob, have you been lighting, have you been lighting cigarettes with
a campfire lighter?
Yeah.
Like a torch lighter?
Yep.
Why do you not have a regular lighter?
I can't find them.
I can't find them anywhere in the house.
That little song, Baby Come Home.
I really like that.
You do?
Is that an old, is that a thing that we should know?
No, I just made it up.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, I just make up songs because it sounds like an old classic,
beautiful Korean.
Yeah, like we have an old, there's an old Irish,
there's an old Irish one we.
Sing an old Irish folklore type song.
Well, but it's this is it's translated because it's it's in Gaelic, but this is what it says.
Oh shit, like gypsy shit, huh?
Yeah, but in English it says this.
They go,
There once was a lad who drank to don't laugh.
Why are you laughing?
I'm trying to give you a piece of my culture and my history.
I know, but
whatever the, you know, it's like whenever you watch like the Game of Thrones or any of those kind of movies, and the or The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings, sure, and then like, you know, me and a Hobbit will start singing in a fucking auditorium.
Uh-huh.
I used to start laughing.
It's so dumb.
Hey, hey.
It's stupid.
It's stupid.
Keep going.
There once was a lad who drank too much.
He'd never be alive again.
Whiskey and beer and whiskey again.
Never will he see a friend.
Yeah.
He laid to rest.
He did his best.
All right.
He fought when they asked him to.
A drunk but a good man overall.
Thank goodness he wasn't a Jew.
That's the song.
That is a good one.
It's a good song.
It rings true today.
Yeah, it's evergreen.
It's evergreen.
It's an evergreen song from the Evergreen Country, Michael.
See, when you watch
those kind of things, like if you're watching,
I don't know what genre or what time period is, but where they used to have bards, like traveling bards.
Yeah, traveling bards, yeah.
And they would tell stories and sing.
Those were like the Beatles.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Those were like, they were like half Beatles and half like comic.
What was that?
What was that?
What was that movie?
It was like seven short films.
What was that called?
There's so many movies.
No, it just came out a couple of years ago, seven short films.
One of the short films was about a man who traveled the country with no limbs telling stories.
Oh, yeah, I did see that.
Why can't I think of the name of that?
What was that?
Oh, it was so good.
It was a horror movie.
It was like the Halloween, right?
No, no, no, no.
This was like,
oh, dude, this is.
Yeah, he had no limbs, and
he would travel to town to town.
And a guy would take care of him.
Yeah, but a guy was using him.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, what was that?
Does that sound stupid?
Is that way off?
I would never watch a movie.
Wait, what's up?
It's called Ballad of Buster Scruggs.
Do you know what we're talking about?
Get in the microwave.
He doesn't know anything.
By the way, we have our.
Tito is uncle.
What's niece?
Yeah, what's nice in this?
What's nice?
Bago Bangung.
Bago Wangong.
Is that right?
Bago Wangong?
Bago Bangong.
Bago Mangon.
Bago Mongongun.
By the way, Ballad of Buster Scruggs was the correct title of that movie.
I was right.
The Cohen brothers made that.
It was seven short little vignettes on the night.
Oh, on Netflix, that's right.
It was very good.
That's very good.
It was very good.
That's about the traveling guy.
Wait a minute.
Bago Bangun.
I don't want to skip over that.
Bago Bangun.
Say it slow so I can hear it.
Pag.
Pag.
O.
O.
Mang.
Mang.
Pag O Mangkun.
Pago Mangkung.
Pago Mangung.
Pago Mangkun.
Every time I do it, it sounds like the computer that translates it.
Pago Mankungkung.
And what language is that?
Visayan.
What's Visayan?
It's in Cebu, in the island of the Philippines.
Whoa,
it's fucking mythic.
There's history.
So let me ask you something, Jules.
I know you don't like talking, but
in the Philippines...
So every island has their own language?
Not always.
Get closer to the mic.
Yeah, you have to get close to the mic so we can hear you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not always, because in Manila, you have
Tagalog.
Yeah.
And then some other islands also speak Tagalog.
Oh, I see.
What's the most common language in the Philippines?
Tagalog.
Tagalog?
Talagog.
Tagalog.
Tagalog.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But can you understand, like, if somebody's speaking Talogo.
Yeah, I can understand.
You can understand it.
But can you speak it?
I'm okay with it.
I'm not an expert.
Yeah.
It's like if we went to, it's just like we go to the south.
We lived in LA and no, we lived, went to Nevada or something.
And then they had a, well, maybe not Nevada.
No, like the South.
If you go to the South, the South, the South.
If you go to New Orleans.
New Orleans.
And then they had a completely different language that we didn't understand.
But now, New Orleans,
in New Orleans, what is it called?
The Creole, like when they do.
Creoles.
Creoles.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All that stuff's hard to hear.
Look at it.
Tell me if you can understand what this says.
Tell me if you can understand this one.
What am I saying here?
it's just so racist.
No, it's not that one more time.
It's so right.
Do you hear any of that?
That's that's in Tagalog.
That's how are you doing today?
What?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I don't think it's right.
It's not, you don't think that's right at all?
Jesus.
If it's how are you?
It's comustaka.
Oh, that sounds like Spanish.
Kumusta.
How about this?
What's this one?
Purushangam.
Purushangam.
No.
Nothing?
Nothing.
God, what is this app?
Fucking Google.
It's nothing.
Maybe try Filipino instead of Tagalog.
But they don't have Filipino on there.
No.
Tagalog is the most common one on the language translate one.
Do you ever, when you go to another place, though, and you try to conversate with someone, do you use English as the middle ground?
I've only went to like Bohol and Camotas and they speak Visayan, my language.
Oh, they speak your language?
Yeah.
Then when I go to Manila, I speak English because I'm not good with Tagalog.
Oh.
Do most people in Manila speak English?
They do, but they don't.
They're not good at it.
Right.
Yeah.
You're really good at it.
When did you start taking English?
Ever since I was young.
Because the schools teach English.
Yeah.
With hopes that you guys are going to get out.
Or maybe the concubine life.
Yeah.
Sometimes like the ex-pac or whatever, the older, I mean, white dudes.
White dudes are there, yeah.
The dudes and they want to, you know what I mean?
Bang, bang.
Do you know what 90 Day Fiancé is?
Do you know what that television show is?
No.
Oh, it's wonderful.
It's so good.
It's so good.
Yeah.
And these men are trying to go marry.
There's a lot of Filipino women that come across on the show and they marry them so they could get to the United States.
But you know, there's something about, I've seen that show before.
There's something about like an average or kind of an uglier white dude, and then they go to a country like that, and they come back with a real hottie.
I get angry.
Why?
I don't know why.
They come back because those women just want somewhere to live.
I know.
They're basically sex slaves.
They're sex slaves.
Yeah.
They have sex with these weird white dudes that are like, they're just looking for your wife.
There's this old series on HBO called
You ever see those?
No.
Oh, you have HBO Go or anything?
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
So go to the documentary section.
It's called Autopsy.
And they were made in the early 90s or 90s.
They're incredible.
Because they show real bodies and stuff.
Yeah, back in the day, yeah.
But it's like they're all forensick-y, you know,
case files.
But it's all case files on like, like, um, on cold cases or on no, on real cases that they solve through forensics.
Oh, they've been solved.
It was like the first show of that kind.
Whoa.
And they had this
white man.
Gross.
And his, exactly.
And his young Filipino wife, right, suddenly dies, right?
They find her like hand in, you know, I love it when they find the hand first.
They'll find a hand sticking out of the ground, right?
And then they don't know what to do.
It's always a jogger.
Right.
It's like, I was out in the early morning and I know I saw a hand.
Yeah.
I hate when they do that.
You know what I would, if I died, right?
Yeah.
I would, I want to die in a mysterious way in that way, where they find my hand in a field, but then like a year later, they find like an ear in like an island off Hoy
and then a foot in Antarctica.
Why don't we just spread your body parts all over the world?
All over the world so they don't know what the fuck happened.
Just one Bobby Lee eye sticking up.
Yeah, yeah.
At a fish market.
Just your eye out of ice.
I know.
Yeah, and then so that it always remains an autopsy.
But then it turns out like he's always had, he always does that.
Like he has had four other
Filipino wives over for his life.
And he killed him.
Mysteriously died or disappeared.
It's disgusting.
Yeah, so they, you know.
Was he American?
It's always an older white dude.
No, I know, but, but dude, a lot of British, there was a British dude in the news in Bristol, maybe it was called.
Yeah.
39, 39 women and children that he had killed,
did all this screwed up shit to.
39, and he got away with it forever.
Yeah.
He basically wanted to get caught at some point.
Yeah.
These weirdo white dudes, they get these foreigners like that, yeah, because they can't, you know, they can't, how they, what are they gonna
do?
That kind of behavior
everywhere, though.
Yeah, I know.
Because remember the Japanese kid, there was a Japanese kid, it he went to school, he comes from a real, a rich Japanese family, a powerful Japanese family, yeah, and he went to a school, a boarding school, or a college, or whatever.
He was a foreign exchange student in Sweden or whatever, and he ate a white, a Swedish girl.
Oh, yes, and he ate her, yes, and then he's now in like
prison.
Yeah.
But his family is so powerful that he got out.
Yeah.
And now he's just roaming free.
Imagine like he's in a Japanese bar getting drunk, right?
He is.
And people are telling stories, you know what I mean?
And he just is always top everyone else's.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, that's...
Oh, you ate a mongoose once?
Oh, yeah?
I ate, you know what I mean?
A white Swedish lady.
Everyone's like, oh.
that's impressive.
Yeah.
To eat a white Swedish girl and get away with it?
I love that.
Money, power, respect.
Yeah.
Oh, Bob, speaking of which.
Yeah.
How cool is this?
Whatever.
Anyway, say thank you.
Thank you.
Say thank you to Ted Muns.
He did this.
This is awesome, right?
That really is dope.
This is very cool.
Can you see it on camera?
Can you see it?
Yeah.
How do you say cool?
She's not fucking.
She's a bright girl.
She's my little Google Translate.
She's a bright girl.
How do you say cool?
Thank you.
Thank you.
How do you say thank you?
Oh, you Filipinos don't say thank you.
Salamat.
Huh?
Salamat.
Salamat.
Salamat.
Salamat.
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Rules and restrictions apply.
So Jules, when she was on last Bad Friends, people started hitting trying to become her friend on Instagram.
Ew, really?
Yeah, and her shit's on private.
I don't think she wants to, if you're listening right now, I don't think she wants to like befriend people, but we created another Instagram page for her.
Oh, what is it?
What is it?
It's called Bad Friend Rudy.
So you can go on Instagram, go to Bad Friend Rudy, and that's when then you have control over that page.
No, she does, but we're going to use that as no DPs, fellas.
No DPs, no DPs.
That's disgusting.
That's disgusting.
No DPs.
But girls, send your boobs.
Send boobs to send boobs to her account.
That's fine.
Speaking of that, so I sent you that.
I don't want to mention it because I don't want to get yanked off of Instagram, but I sent you that handle on Instagram, right?
Yeah.
So did you watch those videos?
I watched every single one of them three times over.
Right.
And I sent it to everybody.
What do you mean?
You don't want to mention it, so do you?
It's going to obviously,
if people find out about
that handle,
they're going to yank it.
But I imagine that whoever makes up that account, for people that don't know what we're being so vague, there's an account online that shows the most
fucked up is an understatement.
It's insane.
Yeah.
It's crazy shit.
But it's not private.
It's not private.
And
the first one, you can't.
Why not?
Because
I love it so much.
I don't want to get yanked.
But these constantly get yanked and they re-upload, then they constantly get yanked.
That's what I'm saying.
How am I going to find it the next time?
Well, let me see how long he's been up right now.
He's been up for a while.
Isn't it insane that you automatically know it's a guy?
Yeah.
There's no way a girl.
One of the videos is, or one of the lives is, you know, it has a little retarded boy having sex with a car.
He's just, he's fucking the front of a car.
Yeah, so his dick is going inside the fender.
No, no, it's inside the emblem, the car emblem.
Oh, the emblem.
Right.
It's insane.
Yeah, it's between the T and the O
and then there's another guy fucking a pony.
A donkey.
A donkey.
A donkey.
A donkey.
I don't know the difference, you know.
Yeah, no, I know.
It's all the same ass.
Yeah, okay.
I'm looking, I'm looking right now.
Right.
We can't.
It's been around for a while.
But
if we say what it is.
We can't, we can't.
All right.
But I sent that.
Now you know who your real allies are in comedy.
Mm-hmm.
Because I sent it to probably 12 comics.
Sure.
Some of them, and I'm not kidding you, their texts back were like, almost like we're done.
Like, not cool.
Like, hey, man, we're not friends anymore.
Why?
I don't know what it is.
It's like, for me.
Can you tell me who said they didn't like it?
Well, I can tell by them not responding.
Yeah, yeah.
Right?
Yeah.
So, David Spade.
Well, that makes sense.
Yeah, yeah.
Spade not responding makes sense.
Yeah, yeah.
He wouldn't like something like that.
Yeah, but in my head, I thought he would.
A video of a handicapped boy fucking a car.
Yeah.
And a lot of them are like fist fights, like brutal fist fights.
Fist fights.
Fist fucking.
Fist fucking.
You know, there's one video that made me laugh so fucking hard.
There's a big muscly dude, and he's taped a dildo to his um computer table yeah that's what's up and he's blowing it yeah and his mom walks in and she just goes
and walks out
yeah he's deep throating like a like a 14 inch dildo yeah it's that one made me laugh so
called no texted me yesterday goes i don't like this dude he doesn't like stuff like that and i'm like what there's a guy fucking a horse
I go, it's comedy, baby.
It's a comedy.
It's a bit.
Yeah, people have a certain threshold.
Some people don't like stuff like that.
It's because
they didn't grow up joking around with stuff like that.
So they don't like it now.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, you had to like weirdo shit when you were a kid to like weirdo shit as an adult, comedically.
Yeah, I mean, I've peed on people in my life.
Yeah.
I've
pooed on people.
Not me.
That's fine.
That's fine.
Tweets his own.
You've pooed just on a human?
Yeah, pooed on.
In a sexual matter?
Oh, no.
Just like in a...
No, no, no, no What in a revenge?
Yeah, like one time I think I pooed on Ari Shafir's foot That's fine, but then he shit all over my car.
That's cool.
Yeah, so it's like like I've always been into those kind of games shit for shit tit for tat tit for tat I get that.
Yeah, I've peed on things, but my point is I've come down things
What's the weirdest thing you've come down
like an object well
Recently because I have I'm doing this note.
Fuck.
Close your ears.
She lives with me.
Close your ears.
No, she's fine.
Just close your eyes.
At least close your eyes so you can't see here.
No, so I don't.
I can't believe I'm saying this.
I can.
So, you know, I've been doing this note pornography thing.
Yeah.
So I haven't watched any pornography.
I know.
So you say.
I haven't.
And how long, though?
Has it really, honestly?
Two months.
Has it been going on that long?
Oh, yeah.
Really?
No breaks.
Here's how crazy it is.
It's getting to the point where when I was in the Middle East with Sebastian Monascalco and Eric Griffin, you can't get porn on,
you know what I mean, on the internet there.
They don't have porn.
They block all of it.
No Middle Eastern porn?
No.
If you're in the Middle East, like you're in Saudi Arabia.
Saudi Arabia.
You're in Saudi Arabia.
You have to jerk off to the thought of porn.
Yes.
That's wild.
But even then, it hadn't been long enough, right?
So I couldn't do it with my mind.
But it's been so long now, I can do it with my mind.
You can jerk off with your mind?
Yes.
That's insane.
Yeah.
You can get fully hard without looking at anything.
I can't do anything and I can do it with my mind.
I'm resetting my brain.
Wow.
Right.
But so sometimes I'm in the bathtub and I'll come.
Right.
I just, I feel
I feel like you're not open right now and I feel like you're doing something.
Look at me.
No,
I'm an open book right now.
It doesn't feel open.
It feels cool.
Put all your words inside of me.
I'm a book with
no words.
All right.
I'm open pages.
Yeah.
And so I'll come and then the sides of the bathtub.
Yeah.
I'll just wipe the cum on there.
Hmm.
Jules, do you ever take a bath in there?
No.
Not anymore.
Never again.
She has her own bathtub.
Why don't you,
why don't you put it somewhere else?
I don't know.
Why on the sides?
You have to clean that.
Do you not clean that?
Do you clean it right when you get out?
You leave it.
I let it dry a bit.
Yeah.
Wait, you let it dry?
Yeah.
Bob.
Why?
Do you jerk off underwater?
Yeah.
You like it underwater.
Aquaman style.
Yeah.
Mamoa style.
Little bubbles coming up.
Yeah, yeah.
Mamoa style.
See, I can't.
Water and I don't get along.
Why?
I don't jerk off in the water.
I can't fuck in the water.
I don't like it.
Oh, it feels good.
If you have your stand, this is the best feeling.
Okay, so here's another story that she doesn't know and nobody knows.
When I was in the Philippines,
we stayed at this hotel called The Crimson.
And so Kalila and her family would would be like, we're going to go to,
you know, go hiking in the mountains.
And I'd be like, oh, I'm sick.
I don't feel good.
You guys go.
Right?
So they would go.
And in the back of this hotel room is this pool in the back.
Like, it's a really nice hotel.
Sure.
And we have our own individual pools, swimming pools.
They're the size of this table,
right?
And they don't go deep.
So you just stand there and then the water goes up to your like sides like this.
Right.
And I would put an an ipad there and i would just
i would just feverishly masturbate in the water right oh god and that was your favorite thing to do it's because for some reason when you're doing this and the water you know i mean yeah it's splashing
yeah it's creating this like you know i mean little masturbatory
frack friction or whatever right right water friction when you're are you do you come underwater do you pull it above the water
in the water oh yeah so it's so you let it swim
why not that's it it came from water inside my body yeah it did Yeah.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
Yeah, it's not like it's from a desert.
So you would feverishly jerk off inside of there.
How many times?
I don't know.
When you guys went hiking and all that stuff, there was a lot of times I didn't go, right?
Yeah.
So next time I'm like that, remember I'm in a swimming pool.
Jerking off.
Jerking off.
So don't swim in that swimming pool.
Do you know this about him, all this stuff?
No.
Yeah.
Are you embarrassed about your Tito or no?
No.
No, you're okay with it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
That's fine.
That's fine.
Look, everyone has their kink.
That's your little kink.
You like water, you like jerking off in the water when no one's around.
During quarantine, I just, I'm not going to, I'm going to let it go.
Yeah.
You got to let your mind go.
What have you been doing?
Well, speaking of sexual kink,
genuinely, this has been on my mind for a while.
I watched Louis C.K.'s special.
Oh, I haven't seen it yet.
You didn't watch it?
No.
Okay.
Is it good?
Yeah, it's wonderful.
It's fucking wonderful.
Whoa.
All right.
It's wonderful.
Is it funny?
It's very, very funny, dude.
How do I watch it?
I'm going to watch it tonight.
You go to Louis Sique's.
Go to his website.
You can buy it from his website.
Really?
Yeah.
It's like $7.99 or something like that.
Oh, cool.
I watched it with a buddy of mine.
We FaceTimed and watched it together.
I was interested to see how he felt about it and how I, like, it was, you know, it was one of those like.
Let me see what he said, what he does.
Dude, it was, it was.
It was, it was awesome.
It was fucking awesome.
It was heartfelt.
It was hard.
It was tough.
It was funny.
He He broaches the subject of the sexual stuff a little bit at the end.
Could have been more.
I think it would have been funnier if it was a little bit more or a little bit more real.
When he opens, though, he doesn't mention it at all when he opens.
Yeah, the first thing out of his mouth.
I mean, I don't want to fuck it.
I don't want to fucking.
Give me the opening thing.
The opening line is, did anybody else have a really fucked up last two years or whatever?
You know, something like that.
Like, how was your last two years?
You know, like, did anybody else have the worst last two years of their life?
That kind of shit.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And so right off the bat, you laugh because you're like, yeah, this guy's shit was fucked up.
Then he tells you kind of the tribulations of what's gone on in the past couple of years.
And the very end of the special, he talks about the incidents.
He has his version, his spin of it.
I'm interested to see what you think about it.
It was very fucking good.
The honest truth is that
he was one of those guys that I always watched worked out.
I was there when he showcased for Mitzi.
No way.
Yeah.
So he had already done his first HBO special, right?
And I go, fuck, Louisa K is here.
That special was very good.
Very funny.
Yeah.
30 the half hour yeah really good and i sat next to mitzi and he goes up there and admitted in
she yells out i'm not kidding you light him
he doesn't have it shut up and i turn to mitzi i go mitzi he has an hbo special he doesn't have it I'm falling asleep.
Holy shit.
Right.
And he kind of walks off.
And then I didn't see him for many, many years.
He never came back.
No.
He was kind of like the Seinfeld, too.
Seinfeld, you know that story, right?
Haven't I told you that story?
I have another one, too.
Go ahead.
About Seinfeld, though.
You know what happened?
George Lopez, too, but go ahead.
Seinfeld didn't.
Mitzi didn't like him for some reason.
Said he was
not funny, but something that she didn't like.
Maybe he was too clean or something.
I don't remember.
Seinfeld told this story himself.
This is from his mouth.
He came back to the store probably
five years ago, four years ago,
and he hadn't been in forever.
He told this story.
He said,
he said, the reason I hadn't been in so long is Mitzi told me that basically I wasn't good enough or wasn't funny enough for this place.
And I just toured and did other comedy elsewhere.
And then he got the show.
Okay.
Seinfeld became a massive hit.
One of the biggest,
arguably the biggest comedy hit in the history of television.
Yeah.
And they used to have a house on King's Road or the Queen's Road house.
That's where Mitzi lives.
Right.
Yeah.
And Jerry bought a house above their house, literally, just above the house, right up on the hill, above the house.
Yeah.
And he said every day he would drive in one of his Porsches down to CBS Radford.
Yeah.
And he would slow down on purpose to see if any of the shores were outside to say hello, to let him know, to let them know.
Oh, I'm just
coming from up there.
Just coming from above.
Right above you, going back down.
Yeah.
Just to like, because Jerry has never.
You never went into Mitzi's house, huh?
No, you know, what used to happen was when Mitzi was sick at the end of the end of the first run of the first time she got sick,
Sean Halpin, who is a comedian,
used to live in my apartment with us, used to live with us.
Your roommates.
It was temporary, no, not really, because we had two roommates and he was just kind of living with us for a short period of time until he was going to get a new place.
And Sean...
invited me a few times to go over.
He's like, you want to go over there?
He used to help her, like a bunch of other comics, help her with a lot of stuff that I don't want to mention because it's nobody's fucking business.
But
I couldn't do it.
It's just something about it gave me the, I couldn't go over to her home and be well, she's really sick, and I never saw her like that.
It imagine it's like it's, and I love Mitzi, but it's imagine because I've been to her house maybe 10 times in my life, okay?
And it's almost as if, you know, how, like, because we were, we opened up with like castles and bards this podcast.
Yeah, yeah.
So imagine in a world where there was a kingdom or, you know, and there was a king, but they always have a sage,
right?
Or a wizard, right?
Right.
Imagine just living amongst the peasants, right?
Sure, and then some guy in a cloak comes up to you and goes, the wizard like would like to see you, right?
And then you went to the wizard's tower.
I love it.
Right.
And you don't know what the fuck, because you don't know anything about wizardry.
You're scared of it.
You're scared of magic.
You're just a peasant.
Yeah.
You're making rice and wheat or whatever, right?
That's what you do.
Right.
And then the wizard tells you some sort of, you know, I mean, mean, spell or new concoction, or he does some sort of trick, right?
And then you're scared, you think you're going to die,
right?
Or, you know, I mean, you don't know why he wants you there, right?
Right.
That's what it was like.
That's what it felt like.
Because when you walked in,
the walls of her house were black like the comedy store.
Yeah.
You thought that, you know, I mean, maybe there's some sort of like reasons comedy-wise why the club is all in black.
Right.
Right.
you do you ever think that because you go to any comedy club it's usually brick and there's colors well that's there's some sort of texture to everything right but this is a the comedy store is completely black yeah it's pitch black the ceiling the ceiling's painted black right oh and also like maybe red
neon loved red right so it's almost as if like it's like um
darth maul's costume yeah it is yeah yeah it is it's like darth maul's costume the comedy store but her house but then she had a room where people would go in there and massage her that was completely pink.
All pink.
Yeah, so imagine going through a blackish house, and then there's this room that's brightly pink.
Wow.
And she's in there.
So it was
one time I was at Thanksgiving with my
brother.
Paulie goes, dude.
Paulie goes, dude, you gotta have Thanksgiving with the family, right?
And I go, no, Paul, because I'm with my brother Steve, and we're gonna do our, we're gonna go to, we're gonna go somewhere else.
I think we're gonna go to the Stinking Rose.
We're going to go to Stinking Rose, so we already have a plate.
Nah, dude.
Nah, bro.
You got to come over.
Right?
And they had already ate.
Like, dinner was over.
No, I mean, they had started eating at two, and now it's four.
But you know how you go to white people's Thanksgiving and the food's still out?
Yeah,
it's cold.
Well, no, we leave it out.
Don't leave it out.
It's for seconds.
Don't leave it out.
They just keep eating.
Don't leave it out.
So my brother and I go over to the house and we have our plates.
and we're putting this cold turkey, you know what I mean, and you know what I mean, and cranberry.
And Mitzi's sitting at this table, wooden table, right, a round circular table.
And the only two seats that are open, right, are next to her.
Right.
And so I'm like, I can't go.
I have to sit there.
Right.
So I'm sitting there.
I go, how's it going, Mitzi?
He's like, good.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Right.
So I'm just talking to my brother.
I swear to God, this happens.
And I hear this.
I'm eating.
I hear this.
This noise.
Right?
Yeah.
And I go, what the fuck's that noise?
When you ever hear a noise like that, you wonder.
Yeah, what is it?
Yeah, yeah.
And I turn over and look at Mitzi.
Her foot
is
on the table.
Shut up.
And her nails are so long.
She's going, click.
No.
Her foot is on the fucking dinner table.
She is.
And she's doing this.
She's doing it
on the fucking table, right?
No.
Try to enjoy a cold turkey dinner
with fucking, you know what I mean?
Cold gravy and hammer is up.
What did you say?
What do you got?
You can't see shit.
Do you try it?
You just put your foot up and try it right now.
Right, because my nails aren't long enough.
Her nails were like, you know how old people, they just fucking grow and they curls around the fucking toe.
So she was doing that with it.
And I looked over and I, and I, and I, I look at Mitzi and I
and I look back at my brother and then all of a sudden like there was a countdown in my head of how long
when to get out.
Yeah, when to get out.
Yeah.
So that was how long did you stay?
I think for another 15 minutes.
And you were like, we got to go.
We have to get out of the way.
We got to go because yeah, we had reservations somewhere or whatever.
But
yeah, that was like.
But that's kind of like going into the you're going into the
Queen's Palace, right?
But like many things, you don't know that you don't really want to be there sometimes.
That's like all those things.
It's like when you get to meet someone or go to a a cool house party, you think it's going to be cool.
Yeah.
It's always the opposite of what you want.
Yeah.
I always thought the one, the one time it turned out to be what I thought it was going to be, to be very honest,
how many years ago?
God, I don't know.
Seven, maybe?
Six?
Seven?
I went, Miley Cyrus somehow through unexplained events.
We went to her house for her Halloween party.
And in my mind, I was like, this is going to let me down for sure.
Like, without a doubt, I'm going to have an idea of this, and it's
they're going to know that I'm a nobody and kick me out.
Just before you go,
a comic
always has that thought.
You have to.
We don't feel like we belong.
We feel like it's almost a fraud.
You're a fraud, and they're going to tell you.
In your mind,
somebody's going to go, why is he here?
Yeah.
I feel it.
And the whole party's going to go, oh, why are you here?
Yeah.
I remember just real quick, Dalia and I were at a CAA Christmas party, and his first opening line, Dahlia, Chris Dahlia, successful.
Yeah, very, you know, he goes, Hey,
do I look like I belong here?
No.
Yeah.
Was this recently?
A couple years ago?
Maybe a year ago.
Wow.
And I'm like, yeah, you're fine.
Do I look like I belong here?
He's like, yeah.
But it's like, that's, and that's when I knew that we all have
that way.
Yeah.
So go ahead.
Miley Cyrus.
Miley Cyrus is having a Halloween party.
Yeah.
We get invited through a friend of a friend because of whatever.
Nobody's business.
But I show up, and i'm not kidding when i say the backyard of that girl's house
was exactly what i thought it was going to be in my fantasy head insanely fun people were naked people were having like a there was like a food fight yeah it was it was like a was it a wrecking ball it felt like a movie that's what she came in on But it felt like a fucking movie.
She had all these little area set up so you could hide out and get high and party with people and drink and do.
It was just such like a fantasy island place yeah like epstein's island it was similar to that kind of fun
little kids running around no it was just it was so free and fun
that i just it it was exactly what i wanted it to be but thought it would never be but that was the only time i've ever gone to a celebrity's thing yeah and gone holy shit this is a party all night long till four or five in the morning
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The worst is...
TCA or any of those like TV show.
Like when you're on a TV show.
I'm on one I just did what I just did a TCA yeah you you have to go to those events painful it's the worst painful painful human experience and they ask you question that they know that you have no answer to yeah Kevin Hart is an executive producer on that show that I do yeah yeah okay
of course they go hey you know you know and I know Kevin Hart's an executive producer as much as you're a fucking Olympic athlete do you know what I mean
like
yeah he's an executive producer
he's a great guy I love him
his company is a part of it right?
Yeah, I mean, on Spling Up Together, Ellen DeGeneres was my executive producer.
Yeah, well,
she was around all the time.
Never met her.
No, she didn't hang out all day.
And then I went to
the showrunner
one day, and I go, what's Ellen like?
She goes, I don't know her.
Yeah, we don't know her.
And she's the producer.
And it's fine.
Look, these companies, they need the weight of these companies to get things through.
But this one reporter, I had had enough.
I had gone through all the rooms.
And then one reporter goes, so
Kevin Hart.
And I go, yeah, Kevin Hart.
And she goes,
I mean, how incredible to work with Kevin Hart.
Yeah.
I go, let me tell you something.
Kevin Hart is in the green room that I'm in right now.
We're all sharing the same green room.
It's about a 50-person room.
Food, drinks, everything.
Executives, you know what I'm saying?
I go, I've never met Kevin Hart.
I'm in the room with him.
Still won't meet him.
I'll go the whole day.
I'll go eight hours of this.
We're never going to meet.
I know.
And she was like, what, what, what?
And I was like, that's not how this works.
For some reason, people think that it's like, well, you're buddy, you know that.
It's like, I don't.
Yeah.
I don't know Kevin fucking.
I don't know.
Kevin Hart, Kevin Hart is such a big thing.
Yeah.
If I said, I'm on the show that you produce, he'd go, which show?
I'd go, Dave on FX.
And then he'd go, what is that?
I produce that show?
But for me, though, if I was the head of a production company and I had six or ten things that are on the air.
He probably has 50 50 things.
Whatever.
I would still fucking know.
No.
No, you wouldn't.
I wouldn't know.
Because you'd have so much going on.
He has so much going on.
Yeah.
How could you balance that?
Right.
It's hard for you to come here sometimes.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
That's true.
It's just that I get it.
Yeah.
By the way, Ellen, Ellen got in some deep shit.
Why?
Because she made a great joke.
People got mad at her.
She put, you know, everyone's mad at celebrities for being like, I'm in quarantine and it's really hard.
And everyone at home is like, yeah, right.
Your house is worth worth 30 million dollars what's hard about having nine wings in a bowling alley like j-lo had her son on a fucking what are those things called the hoverboards and she was serving he was serving her and a rod drinks and he was spinning around and they were like dancing you know what i mean it's like celebratory fucking we're having a tough time here and we're billionaires anyway ellen people got mad at ellen because she said
being in quarantine
I don't want to misquote it.
Being in quarantine is just like being in prison because you wear the same clothes every day and everybody's gay something like that just a funny she's just joking around this joke i know and everyone and everybody was like oh you think it's like being in prison how about the prisoners that are actually in prison just oh she's making a joke dude she's throwing it it's a it is a nonsense it's nonsense it doesn't mean anything yeah and the everything everybody's gay part is
funny It's funny.
Yeah.
She was just making a joke, but people ate her alive.
They were like,
how disrespectful of those that are living in actual terrible terrible conditions.
It's like, okay, dude, what do you want?
Here's my problem.
Do you want comics to still make jokes during this time, or do you want us to say nothing at all?
It's hard.
It's like a balance.
Like,
what do you want her to do?
She's making a fucking joke.
What is she supposed to say?
I mean, there's a way to do it, though.
Like, Julia Luis Dreyfus.
Yeah.
Just put out something.
What'd she say?
It was kind of like a coronavirus PCA about staying indoors and this and that.
But
she was basically basically looking at the camera and goes normally I have you know a crew of people do my makeup but you know during quarantine I do my own and she's doing a PCA and she's doing her own makeup it's terrible on purpose right on purpose that's funny it's really funny and cute and then she ends a video it's a cute video right and you don't see her house right that's people's problem yeah you don't see you you when you that's I always whenever I see a celebrity right i on online i always look at the background first yeah to see where they're at yeah I do too.
Like even Sebastian, I know he lives in a gigantic house, but when he takes videos, I see that you don't really see a lot of the house
to make it seem like, you know, it's normal like everyone else's house.
You know, I think you should have to be mindful about stuff like that.
I agree.
I'm just saying,
you think people don't know Ellen has a big house?
That was my Sebastian.
You think people don't know Ellen has a big house?
Yeah, yeah.
No, I mean, some things are unavoidable.
She's one of the richest performers in the world.
Let me throw out an idea.
This is probably not popular.
I'm making a fucking joke.
Let me throw this.
It's
Ellen should be mindful about how people are struggling.
Listen,
but let me defend.
They should be donating money, is what they all should be fucking doing.
And Ellen should be, yeah, like, I mean,
I get Venmo requests all the time.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
Some of them ask for $2,000.
I'm like, I don't know you.
I'm not going to send you that.
But $25,000.
Anyway, don't do it now.
But because people are listening.
Now people are going to send you.
Yeah, I know.
But people have, and I have given.
But, you know,
we're all in quarantine.
And we're all, you know, it's one of those things that, like what I said last week, it's just like, you take yourself with you everywhere you're going to be.
You take you with you, yeah.
And I keep telling, you know,
I've told my brother for years that, you know, I mean, yes, I'm, I don't live in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver Lake anymore.
I have a little money saved up.
Because my brother keeps going, sometimes goes, well, you got money.
You should be happy.
Right?
And those things don't necessarily fix you or, you know.
But you are happy.
Yeah, but I'm as happy as I was when I was living in Silver Lake as well.
Of course, yeah.
What I'm saying is that
it didn't really change anything, right?
But don't you feel better now that you have 10 bedrooms, 10 bedrooms?
I don't have 10 bedrooms.
Is it probably
10 bathrooms?
Why not live in a three-bedroom?
Oh, like she's going to fucking.
She lives in my fucking house.
Listen, you live in a 10-bath household.
You don't live in a 10-bedroom.
10-jiz bathhouse.
10-jiz bathside.
Yeah, yeah.
Jizz is right.
No, you live in a nice place, but you worked hard for it.
But yeah, no, sure.
You're not.
Yeah.
But it's not going to make you happy, but you're trying to be conscious of how you're received.
People know that you have a nice place.
Yeah, but I don't really talk about it or I don't really.
It's, you know, for a comedian at my age, at my level, it's probably the smallest place.
Of people that are comparative to you?
Yes.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
So
also, I lived, you saw the apartment that I lived in, right, for
15 years.
Small.
It's a very small place.
It was very humble.
Yeah, humble, small place.
So I've never been
one to gloat about my situation, you know?
But am I doing better than some?
Yes.
Sure.
Yeah.
Do you feel a responsibility?
responsibility do you feel a responsibility to give money what's that noise
oh that's my phone who is it nobody
i love when you do that well it's private well no no no you can you can see here you can see
you see who it was yeah yeah
wow
i didn't know you do tom hardy
i'll say that i don't say
andrew yeah i've heard you made a joke about my sexuality yeah let me ask you something
Do you have big stars on your phone?
You've asked me this before.
Yeah, there's somebody in my phone that I should.
Yeah, there's people in my phone.
There's people in my phone that aren't.
I wish you would call someone in your phone.
I wish you would call the biggest person in your phone.
You have Ellen's number?
No.
We should call Neil Brennan.
He's friends with Ellen.
He'll call Ellen for us and ask her to apologize live on the air for what she said and what she did.
Should we do that?
What do you think?
Jules likes it.
Do you think these rumors are true about Ellen?
About how.
She's straight?
No.
I'm going to talk about Ellen real quick.
So, Ellen DeGeneres, you know, have you ever played the Dallas improv?
Addison?
Addison.
Not yet.
I'm about to.
You're about to.
And you've never played Addison?
No.
Oh, my God.
Dude, I've only played Austin.
I've only played Cap City.
Wow.
So have you done Houston improv?
Nope.
All right.
So.
They're back to back on the books for me.
Oh, they are?
Yeah.
So there are clubs I've been playing for 25 years.
Jesus, yeah.
In fact,
the Addison improv has been there for so long, there's actually a drawer of lineups they had in the 80s.
Wow.
One of the lineups I had was Diane Ford that I saw.
It was headlined.
You probably don't know who he did.
Diane Ford?
Yeah.
I know who the name is.
Yeah, Diane Ford's headlining.
The feature, this is in 1990.
Wow.
Was Jeff Garland.
Wow.
The MC,
Judd Apatow.
Wow.
So I love looking at old, you know what I mean?
I love shit like that.
So you're going to meet a guy named Jeff Lala,
and he runs all the improvs in in Texas and he's this old crotchety deep voiced he smokes a thousand cigarettes a day
right but back in the 80s he he told me that um I used to
I used to pick Ellen at the airport we used to drive to club to club I used to stay at these shitty hotels and she used to do the roads one-nighters you know so Ellen is an old school comedy workhorse.
Yeah, she's been around for a long time she yes.
Yeah, and she had put in some road time.
Yes.
Right.
But now I hear stories about how like some people,
she has a rule that some people can't lock eyes with her.
You know what I mean?
Or like Steve Harvey, you heard about that too, about on his show, you know what I mean?
They had a memo, don't lock eyes with Steve Harvey.
You know what I mean?
Well, that was a whole controversy.
How do you want people coming into his office asking him questions?
I know, but where do you, where, how come some people are like that?
And then some people, like, like, you know, I've met James Core, you know, all these other younger guys.
They're not like that.
Well, how do you become like that?
People feed it.
Why are you smirking when I'm talking like this?
Because it's controversial.
No, no, no.
I know.
You're getting in trouble?
No.
Why?
You didn't say anything.
I didn't say anything wrong.
No, what I'm smiling about is the idea that I don't know if that is true.
I've heard rumors.
Yeah, you hear things.
That's true.
You hear things from people that have said that Ellen has a very particular set of rules when you work with her.
Yeah.
Okay.
I can't comment because I don't know.
Yeah, either.
I shouldn't have brought it up, but based on, but based on what I know, that sounds like a really fucked up thing to do to people.
Why do people get away with it in Hollywood?
Because they let them and
it's all good.
Because an assistant will put up with it and it perpetuates the nonsense.
That's why Hollywood people get to act like brats.
I worked on a show.
I've worked on many things with unbelievable brats, people that do crazy shit, have people fired, yell at people.
Someone I worked with was yelling at the fucking EPs in the parking lot in front of everyone, going, I'm the cunt.
So I'm the cunt.
Yeah.
Didn't lose her job.
Right.
Nothing happened.
I love watching fights on.
Oh, it's fucking awesome.
It's fucking awesome.
Because you get this like, because I get into this thing where my body goes like this.
It vibrates.
It vibrates because I'm in shock.
Yeah, you don't know how to react.
Yeah.
So when like people are screaming at each other on a set, my body just goes
and I focus in on it.
Oh, yeah.
And I go, what's going on?
What's happening?
Is this going to end?
When is this over?
Yeah.
Like, I love, like, this is, it wasn't a big deal, but like, on Splitting Up Together, there was a, I could hear some of the producers raise their voice at Jenna Fisher about something, which I don't want to get into.
Right, but you should.
But a little bit of raising the voice.
They yelled at her.
A little bit.
I'm not going to say.
What did she do?
Did she say, when this is over, I'm starting a podcast?
And they were like, no, no, no, no.
I don't know what it was.
I do, but I don't want to
say it.
Okay, it's fine.
I don't want to say it.
But what was it?
You fucker.
But they were going,
you were vibrating.
Yeah, vibrating, yeah.
And they yelled.
Did she yell back?
No, she's a sweet girl.
She's very balanced.
She is a sweet lady.
I like her a lot.
You know what?
I think to answer what you were saying, People are like that before they got famous.
It just exacerbated it.
So
whatever those things are, they come out much, much worse because you know people that have had shoot-up rocket careers and some of them are the same and some of them aren't.
You know, the season finale was last night for Modern or the series finale for Modern Family.
Yeah.
And
though everyone but Ed O'Neill, Sophia Vergara, okay, but everyone besides Ed O'Neill wasn't a famous actor on that show.
I know.
Not a one of them.
I know.
Okay.
Yeah.
They rocketeered to the sky.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
I would be interested to know which of them have dynamically changed the most.
Well, yesterday I texted Stone Street.
Yeah, because you're friends with Eric.
Yeah, because I sent him the
fucking Instagram thing.
I know.
He liked it.
No, he tells you what he texted back.
Andrew, no.
Stone Street says, basically, you're disgusting.
What did I say to you?
You said,
Santino, you said,
God, so gross and funny.
What time tomorrow?
You went right to business.
Yeah, well, I just was like, this is awesome.
I love it.
I was thumbing through it.
Yeah, I would have to say, because I only know Stone Street.
So he went from just a regular actor to
through the roof.
Yeah, I met Stone Street when I was a commercial actor.
I know, yeah.
We played that commercial.
Yeah, yeah.
And then, so,
and then one day he goes, I got the show, right?
Yeah.
And can I tell you
what kind of a guy Stone Street is?
Yeah.
I'm going to get emotional.
Please don't.
So Stone Street's on his third year on Modern Family.
And they're shooting.
I forget what lot is it.
Either, it's not Radford.
It was Paramount.
Yeah, weren't they?
No, no, no.
Weren't they at
Fox?
They were on Fox.
Oh, yeah, it was at Fox.
It was Fox.
Yeah.
It was Fox.
Yeah.
And I
remember.
Sony.
Sony.
It was at Sony.
Sony, Cochrane.
It was Sony.
Yeah, Sony.
Warner Brothers.
I don't know what the fuck it is, man.
But I remember having an audition for some sort of series, right?
And I was like, at that moment in my career, I didn't have Tiger Bell or anything, and I didn't have Kalila.
And I was
so desperate to get a job.
Yeah.
Right.
And I remember walking, you know how you, when you audition for a show like that, you have to go through the gate and then you have to make that three-mile walk to whatever fucking building you have.
You have a pass, and they're like, You know where to park?
And you're like, Yeah, where?
And they're like, Nine miles that way, and you got to walk over there.
And it's like walking through first class when you're a coach because you have to walk through people that are already on a show and they're staring at you.
Well, yeah, though.
So, Modern Family was shooting a scene,
and I was walking past it like really fast because I knew I didn't want Eric to see me, but he fucking saw me.
So, Stone Street goes, Hold up a second, and he follows me to the audition.
No, right?
Yeah,
so I'm sitting there in the audition, in this little lobby room, right?
He opens the door and he tells everyone, he looks at me and he goes, Bobby, I go, what the fuck, dude?
He goes, it doesn't have to be perfect.
I go, what do you mean?
Your audition.
Just get the gist.
It's okay to make a mistake.
That's nice.
Right?
It doesn't have to be perfect.
That's very nice.
And he walked out because he wanted me to.
I didn't get it, but
I didn't get it.
But I remember having an okay audition because he, you're right, because when I sit there, for me, I go, if I don't have this down word for word.
Oh, you were being, you're a panic attack.
I was, I was having one of those times in my career where I was so desperate that I had to kill it.
And he took a lot of that pressure away by saying that.
By just being a friend.
Yeah.
And so, and here's a guy that's, he had already won, I think, his first Emmy at the point, at that time.
I mean, season three, they were fucking rolling around.
Rolling, yeah.
So he was killing it.
So, you know, he, he, I, I don't see that he changed at all.
He's a great A dude.
I love him.
He's a great guy.
That's good to hear.
I love him.
That's good to hear that's something that they, look, we've all, there's people that I know that have gotten skyrocket fame and haven't changed.
Yeah.
Like, just not even a little bit.
Not even.
They haven't even changed kind of how they live, which is even more unusual.
There's some people I know that they made a ton of money, they did a lot of stuff, and they're kind of this this exact same person.
And I think the top of that list for me, and I don't even know him, I think Galifanakis is.
Oh, God, he's the best.
He drives.
He drives a Subaru still, his same outback.
That's the kind of guy where you're like, oh, he's the, where Jerry Seinfeld has 90 Porsches.
Yeah.
And
someone like Zach has one Subaru.
It speaks volumes over like...
Yeah.
I don't really need stuff.
A couple years ago, I was in a movie called.
By the way, it's fine to own 90 Porsches.
I don't give a fuck.
I would like a movie.
I was in that movie.
Yeah, you did that?
Yeah, I was in that movie.
I auditioned for that.
Did you?
Didn't get it.
Yeah, I'm in it.
I did a couple rewrites on it, actually.
I'm in it.
And
good scenes.
But anyway, the movie was bad.
Shut the fuck up.
Movie was bad.
Watch the movie.
Movie was bad.
I have a really funny scene.
Movie was bad.
Anyway, so I'm in Georgia.
Yeah.
Atlanta.
And as soon as
I know.
What?
Georgia?
Atlanta.
You think I'm thinking about the country, Georgia?
I know where you are.
Jules, Jules, don't laugh.
Jules, laugh.
Jules, laugh.
I love it.
Yeah.
Go.
And I remember, so the director wanted to see my outfit
because I was in wardrobe.
Right.
And they're like, the director wants to get, you have to get in the van.
You got to drive to set right now.
I fucking hate that.
Right.
So I'm in this van, right?
And I'm driving to set.
And so I show up at set.
And the director comes up behind Video Village and goes, Yep, yep.
Okay, good.
Right.
But then Zach sees me.
And he goes, oh my god, he gives me a hug, right?
And then the next day I'm shooting, and you know how, like, um,
the stars get a certain tent, yeah.
So there's like a white tent, it was really hot, and they had these air conditioning things.
They had me by the stable, right?
The horse stable,
right?
Yeah, and it was like, I didn't even get like a chair, it was just like I'm on a curb and just smoking, like, right, insane chain smoking, chain smoking, right?
And I remember Zach goes, Um, dude, come on, white tent.
So I walk in the white tent, and John Hamm's there, yeah.
And I sit there with they have a seat for me, and I just hang out with John Ham and Zach.
Because if it wasn't for Zach, obviously, I wouldn't be there, right?
But he made me feel so comfortable.
I have a photo on Instagram where we took a selfie or whatever of you and you three, me, us three, right?
And um,
and I just thought to myself, oh,
you haven't changed that, yeah, but you're a good dude, Yeah.
It makes me like him fucking so much more.
What a good dude.
When I watched his Live of the Purple Onion, it was one of the greatest specialty.
To this day, it like
still.
Let me tell you one quick story about a guy that I want to say that passed away last year.
Last year?
This year?
Goddamn.
The years get mixed up.
Cody?
No.
No, no, no.
There's an actor named Robert Forrester.
Do you know who that is?
Of course, I know Robert Forrester.
Okay, Forrester was on I'm Dying Up Here.
He played
the father of
one of the characters that passed away.
Are you sure he was on it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Mr.
Forrester, rest in peace, who's now passed away.
One of the most telling things I think I've ever seen in my entire life.
He was wrapped.
He was done.
And as he left, he went up to every single person.
I'm not kidding.
And he handed them a letter opener that was like a custom letter opener.
from him to
something simple, but it was a heavy, heavy, nice letter opener.
And he's like, just a piece of my gratitude.
And he handed it to every single person.
Dude, there was a shitload of people that worked on that fucking show, right?
And he handed one to everybody and said, thank you.
And that was the last time I ever saw him.
Then he passed away.
I still have the letter opener in my drawer today, but it spoke volumes.
A guy who's been in the business for probably, I don't know, 40, 50, who fucking knows?
And he still gave a goodbye gift.
That's, that's, that's meaningful as fuck.
Have you ever given a goodbye gift?
What the fuck am I going to do with a letter opener open fucking letters I've never gotten a letter in my life you don't get letters I get letters all the time you know what I was gonna go fuck you Forrester
Bob is this is a dull knife what is this it's a dull knife
I'd be grateful it was very is it engraved or no mm-hmm oh that's real nice it says fuck the Koreans
it's real nice it was sweet though have you ever given a gift goodbye no no but I have given christmas gifts i was so
fuck it this is so cheesy this is so gross what did you give so the first year i was on bad tv
nobody liked me no
no i'm i i can because they would tell me
producers would tell me like just don't go into that office they don't like you
i would say it was not liked right yeah i had this weird kind of I was so scared and frightened, right, that it came out in the weirdest ways.
Yeah, yeah, I know, I see you do it.
You do, yeah, you do it all the time.
Fuck you.
When you get scared or fucked up, you do weird shit.
So, yeah, I'm
really strange.
Like, I couldn't talk to people and I would try to make jokes, and nobody liked me.
You know, it was just desperate.
I was desperate to get on because they wouldn't put me in sketch.
I was desperate.
So, I spent and I didn't even get that much money, but I, one paycheck I got, it was like we got $4,500.
That was for a week of work.
A week of work, right?
Which is good money, but in showbiz, not
show business, right?
Right, right.
So, and then what you get with taxes and your agents and managers, you get two thousand.
But I spent the whole fucking thing on Christmas gifts because I was so desperate for people to like you for people to like me, right?
And I would write letters to people that I knew didn't like me.
Thank you so much.
You know what I mean?
What was the gift?
I got everyone different things.
Like, I went specific.
Like, I'm going to buy this person wine because I think they like wine.
That's a lot.
And I did, and I did it.
And I remember going to each and then giving it to people.
And then they're going,
them going, thanks.
You know what I mean?
Because they have to
accept it.
But I just remember me being so needy and just going, here you go.
From my bottom, I think, happy holidays.
Do you like me?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I wish I hadn't done that.
What was the most expensive thing you bought?
I bought like
a first-generation iPod or something like that for like a producer that I knew that didn't like me.
Did he like you after?
But then what happened was there was a magazine, there was an Asian magazine where I called everyone out.
Right?
What's the Asian magazine called?
It was called Noodle Week.
Either Korea Am or it was something like that.
And I remember, it was the first year I was a Matt, and I remember calling people out specifically.
This writer.
You know what I mean?
Hasn't written me a single sketch.
And then I remember coming to work and one of the, Dick
one of the producers going,
we have a problem coming into the conference room.
And I walk into the conference room and there's a stack of these magazines and like six people that I called out.
They go, hash this out.
Hash this out right now.
What?
And I'm like, what the fuck?
How do you know that even this magazine exists?
Yeah, how would they know?
This is before the internet.
Yeah, how the fuck would they know about some Korean magazine?
Because one of them
got it.
No, one of them, somebody told us.
Someone, someone.
Yeah, I don't know how, but they did.
And it was so.
Did you have to apologize?
No, I didn't.
Why did you know?
Because I go, I was defensive.
I go, because, listen, I know I'm not a second city guy.
I know that you guys write for only second city guys.
Right.
Right.
I'm a comic.
I don't know how to fucking do this thing.
Right.
And I know that, you know, I wasn't good.
I wasn't good.
I was terrible at
table reads.
And I was so bad at rehearsals.
I had never been on a show before.
So I would just like, you know, I was scared.
Yeah.
You were learning.
I learned to do everything on that show.
And you're great.
And it took me years.
Yeah.
Right.
But eventually I learned.
But
I remember defending myself.
I go, yeah, but they did do these things.
Right.
What did the people say?
And they were like yelling at me.
Dude, you're new on the show.
Shut the fuck up.
You know what I mean?
Who are some of the writers?
Do you remember who they are?
I don't want to get into that.
Come on.
No.
It's in the past.
I don't give a fuck.
You're trying to call me out and get in trouble.
I'm not going to get in trouble again.
We'll be right back after these messages.
No, what do you mean?
It's in the past.
You mentioned the writers before.
No, no, no, no.
Are they still writing?
Yeah.
Name one of them that you love.
All the writers that I did love?
Give me the one that you called out that you actually really like.
Okay, so there was a couple of writers on the show that
I didn't
like me at first, but over the years of being with me on the show, they became allies and they wrote me the best sketches I've ever been on.
That's huge.
Yeah.
Do you still work with any of them now?
No.
That's huge too.
I love them.
Dear, I miss them, and I think they're super talented.
And I actually, one of them.
Are they Harvard guys?
They're groundlings guys.
But they always have a couple of Harvard writers and stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
These guys were Groundling guys.
Yeah.
But I can talk about, I had some allies as well, you know what I mean, on the show early on.
So what actors were allies?
When I first got on the show.
Michael McDonald, was he an ally?
Now he hated you, huh?
I think he did, yeah.
Does he hate you now?
I love him.
Love him to death.
I didn't talk to him for years.
How about Sass?
He was the only one.
He's the only one?
Him and Mo Collins.
Him and Moe.
Yeah.
Alex Borstein was on her way out.
You know who she is?
Yeah.
Yeah.
So Borstein
was very nice to me, but she wasn't sure.
Do do i know who she is i don't know she's massively famous yeah so borstein was um super sweet yeah and she was uh she would give me pointers and this and that but um
it was really will
was sasso was the one that really was the only one that was like come over to the house i'm having barbecue or let's go to this party yeah so i went i did a bunch of shit and then i betrayed him What did you do?
When he left the show, I started getting popular on the show.
And then for like a three or four year period, he would text me all the time.
I would never return his text.
Piece of shit.
Yeah.
You paid that's a piece of shit thing.
Why would you do that?
Is he okay with you now?
Oh, yeah, we're very good friends.
But I mean, what was the make-up point that you said?
I'm sorry I got ahead of myself.
It was when my career wasn't doing well and
it wasn't not doing well.
And I had been friends with Dahlia.
But Dahlia and I was friends with Dahlia and Callan.
Yeah.
And this is when they they were doing 10-minute podcasts.
Right, so they were hanging out together.
And then they invited me.
They were going to Coffee Bean in Los Files, and I met Will there as well.
And I made my amends.
I told him I loved him, and then we became friends again.
That's really nice.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, you, for a long time, dude, as long as I've known you, you did have a lot of phone problems.
You had a lot of phone issues.
You were not good for a long time at texting back and stuff.
You know that's true.
Yeah, but I've bitched about it in the past.
I'm I'm better now.
You're much better.
You know why you're better?
Why?
It's one person.
Who?
It's a girl.
Kalila?
Mm-hmm.
That's not why.
She's made you better.
Not in the...
Dude, I've been dating her for seven fucking years, and in the last six months, I've been fucking better at texting back.
It was because when my dad died, and I went to that place, and I got sober again, is what I, it was a part of my, it's a part of my being present and being accountable.
Who was there to hold that?
You red-headed freak.
Who was there to to work you through it?
Kalila was there the whole time over.
Who was Kalila?
E-fuck, I'll rip your eyebrows off.
Whenever I get a text back from you.
By the way, I got two separate texts the other day, one from Bobby and one from Kalila.
Maybe the funniest, and I'm not kidding.
I laughed harder that afternoon than I've laughed in, and I mean this in years.
Bobby sent me a picture of his cock.
Resting on his balls outside of above his pants.
He was doing over the fence.
Everyone knows over the fence, through the gate or over the fence, but it's over the fence.
His balls were overhead, the top of his boxers, and his dick was resting on it.
And he's going like this, it's far away, and you kind of have to focus in it to see his penis because the focus in the picture is up here.
And then you look down, of course, there's his penis.
And I laughed because I've seen his penis, and that's very funny.
Within seconds,
I get another text from Kalila.
It's the same picture from a different angle, and she just writes, from a different angle.
she took a photo
it made me laugh so fucking hard yeah to get another perspective of the exact same photo yeah it just made me it just was like that's that's real love when you send a dick a picture of your penis to your buddy and your girlfriend goes i'm gonna get a picture of you getting a picture of your penis and send it to the friend that you're it's very funny send those dick pics to you and dahlia i know because i can handle it he doesn't like that shit He'll go,
I'll tell you what his response was.
It's right here.
So Delia said,
There he is right there.
So he goes, Do you ever have to see this stuff, Jules?
Do you ever see his penis and all that stuff?
No.
No, that's gross.
So it says, but I've seen his butt.
You've seen his butt.
Shut up, Jules.
You've never seen my asshole.
My butt?
You've seen my butt.
Have you?
Speaking of the mic, have you really seen his butt?
Yeah.
When did you see my butt?
When you performed somewhere.
Oh, yeah, on stage.
Yeah, no shit.
Yeah, everyone's seen that, Jules.
Come on.
It's still uncomfortable for her.
So I'm going to cover this.
So I said, thinking of you.
And he goes, damn it, Bobby.
That's usually a good thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but he, but, you know, he gets the joke.
He doesn't love those jokes, but he gets them.
Yeah.
He does get it.
Yeah, he gets them.
Chris has a good sense of humor.
When we have dinner, he always goes, can Toki do a show?
And I always go, okay.
So we'll be at like swingers or something.
Rest in peace.
Rest in peace, swingers.
And I will pull my dick out at the table, right?
And I'll stretch out the skin.
Batwings.
Yeah, and do Toki the Dumped Dumb Dumb.
We'll do like a little a cappella.
You know what I mean?
Hello, my name is Poki Toky Dun Dung.
Hello.
You know what I mean?
And do a little thing, and they just laugh and laugh and laugh.
It's the gift that keeps on giving.
When do you think you'll stop doing stuff like that?
Never.
You mean like 60s and 70s?
I'm 48 now.
Who gives?
You're 48?
Yeah.
Holy shit.
How old are you?
Fuck you, Bobby.
40.
Fuck you, Bobby.
Are you 42?
What are you?
You know, I'm below 40.
Are you you 38?
Lower.
36?
Lower.
You are?
Lower.
35?
Lower.
34.
Lower.
33.
Lower.
Just tell me now.
31.
You're only 31?
No.
No, Bobby.
I'm not.
I know.
That's impossible.
I'm 36.
That's not possible.
I'm 36.
Are you really?
You're a fucking ass.
I am.
I'm 36.
I want to look it up.
Why do I care?
Well, just tell me the truth.
You brought an illegal Filipino child in here.
I can say whatever the fuck I want.
I'm 36.
And Andrew Santino.
I was born in 83.
The internet will tell you the truth.
Yeah.
80s, baby.
God, 40, you're 48.
When I first fucking moved here,
you're 36 years old.
Yeah, I'm 36.
It's so funny when you put Andrew Santino, the first photo that goes up is, and then it says 48 right here.
Fuck you.
What's Andrew Santino's age, right?
Yeah.
36.
Look at the first photo.
You.
Yeah.
And it says 48.
Well, you know why it says you, 48?
What?
Because people know that we're in love.
And people want to associate love with their buds, with their pals.
Field 40.
It has all the people, huh?
Yeah, it does like suggested searches on stuff like that.
Yeah.
I don't like shit like that.
You know what's been doing a lot?
You know what I talked about?
I'm not going to say it, but I talked about something recently, doing something to my house.
I was like, I really need to get this done before the summer.
So hopefully I can get this done in the meantime with all this shit.
Instagram.
Every day.
Add for it and ad for it pops up on my Google searches now what is it
I can't say it just say it I can't just fucking say it and we'll cut it out 15 jet hot tub 15 seat hot tub
it's a boat I want a boat for my house on the roof so no but now the ads are let me ask you let me ask you something yeah on Instagram because I just all the ads that I get Right for some reason are about cats.
Yeah, but if you talk about cats like cat beds,
cat toys.
Why does it, how does it know that I like cats?
Do you search for cute cats when you do you do searches for cats on Instagram?
Do you ever look at cat profiles?
I follow about 20 cat profiles.
What the fuck else do you need to know?
Oh, it does that?
Of course.
It knows.
So if I start, let's say if I start following hamburgers,
it'll give me grill
ads and anything thereof.
Anything around there.
Oh, my God.
I follow a couple of car.
I follow a couple of
car Instagram things.
Yeah.
So you get car ads.
So not only that, it's really even below that.
It goes even deeper.
There's a guy named Matt Watson who's on a thing called CarWow, which is a YouTube channel.
I get suggestions every day to follow him on Instagram.
I don't get a lot.
That's how it's algorithms.
The algorithms are deep.
But it goes to the weirdest crevice.
Yeah.
Sometimes it goes to places where I'm like, how would you even know that I'd be interested in that?
By the way, I am.
Ask Jules.
So I've ordered probably 10 cat products of Instagram.
So it's working.
No, but not only is it.
No, it's not because I've paid for them.
Yeah.
They say they've arrived at my house.
There's none in the house.
You're just getting robbed?
I don't know.
15 of them.
The little, you know, controlled mouse thing, the salmon that flips up and down.
Oh, the salmon that flips.
That's a funny ad.
I've seen it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've bought all that.
I bought a cat window thing where you put it on the bet.
Have you followed the tracking on it?
Yeah, arrive.
And it says it's arrived.
Maybe, is it going to your old place?
No.
I just don't.
None of it is.
And I asked her.
She was there.
I had a meltdown over it once.
Is that true?
Yeah.
He got angry.
Why?
What are you getting at?
What happened?
Where's on the cat shit?
Let me hear from Jules.
What happened, Jules?
We were driving, and then he told me.
Get closer to the mic.
We were driving, and then he asked Atikalaila to help him.
And then Atikalaila said that i'm doing something else and then he got really mad and he threw a fit yeah and he said that you don't want to help me like you make you make me sound like i'm i'm the bad guy and then atikalaila got mad and yelled at him what did she say to him i forgot did she cuss at him yeah i think so yeah it was a fight it was a fight real fight a real fight that's a real fight over cat stuff
it's okay i just want my cat cat shit.
I know, baby.
I know you want your cat stuff.
Do you want me to start buying it and see if it comes to me?
I already spent all the money on it.
Well, can you follow?
Bamboo pants.
I bought these bamboo pants on.
All right, here we go.
If there's any cat companies out there that make cool cat stuff, will you please send some to Bob, please?
I just want the salmon one.
I want the little remote control mouse one.
He wants the floppy salmon, the remote control mouse, and the window hammock.
Can we get that stuff, please?
Whoever does any of the cat stuff?
Yeah.
I already paid for them, so give it to me.
Just give it to him, will you?
Yeah.
What a good day today.
This has been a good day.
I want to thank Ted Munz for our amazing new art.
We're going to hang up the other signs when we get a chance.
It's been a great day.
Please stay safe.
Say that.
Please stay safe.
Please stay safe.
You know, here, I'm going to say, let's not end right now.
Let me just say about some quarantine advice, okay?
Okay.
I know dudes now personally that are dying from it.
You do?
Yeah.
You know.
Not personally, but I know...
I don't know them personally,
but like John Prine just died.
Yeah, that's really sad.
I love that guy.
Yeah, rest in peace, man.
He's awesome.
The lead singer from fucking Fountains of Wayne died.
Wait, really?
Yeah.
He did?
Yeah.
Holy shit.
So, you know,
and then when people go, well, you know, the weak are going to die up this and that.
It's like, we don't.
Adam wouldn't have died if he had the flu.
You know, it's so funny.
They still have gatherings of, they say it's gatherings of 10 or more.
So there's people that are still getting together in groups of 10 that have to be around other people.
Have you seen this preacher?
There's a preacher that did.
Oh, yeah, in Tampa Bay.
He did like 1500 people or something church churches are still going on in louisiana and florida what's it what was his name do you know what his name was there he was arrested yeah he had a gathering of 1800 people
no that's not the guy though this is oh yeah yeah here it is yeah this guy this is absolutely
yeah holding church services stay-at-home order yeah look at this guy look at it look at this look at this guy's face That's Jesus.
He's a very good.
Very good preacher, though.
One of my favorites.
In Louisiana, they're still holding church services.
God, I can't.
Why are they doing that, man?
I know.
I know.
I tweeted about it.
This woman had said, did you see this on Twitter?
I'd said this woman was like,
I'm covered in Jesus's blood.
It's never going to affect me.
Have you seen this?
I've seen a lot of videos.
This is ridiculous.
I mean, people think that
people think that that's going to save them.
But what they don't get is that I don't give a fuck what you do.
Yeah.
Okay.
But your actions affect the rest of us.
We were just attacked.
Hong Kong additional was.
I'm covered in Jesus's blood.
I'm covered in Jesus' blood.
I'm covered in Jesus' blood.
That's a good song.
I'm covered in Jesus' blood.
That's a great song.
That's a great remix to it.
This woman, though, she goes, I'm covered in Jesus' blood.
They're not going to kill me.
They're not going to get me.
Yeah.
What an insane idea to be like, I'm fine.
Stay safe.
Do the best that you can.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being a bad friend.
