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I just think that, and this is just my humble opinion, that you just maybe need a little bit more spirituality in your life. First of all, I grew up a Catholic, so you don't fucking know.
Not that kind of spirituality. Yeah, well, that fucks you up.
It makes you not want to be spiritual. More namaste spirituality.

Namaste is hard to get to when your Catholicism is your youth.

But what I'm saying is that can you at least be open to it or no?

Do some meditation.

No, because as a young Catholic, you learn to not be open.

If you're open, that's when you get caught.

You're going to change, man.

You're going to fucking change.

Clinch it and bury it.

That's what I'm asking you.

Clinch and bury.

That's what we're learning.

No, no, no.

Clinch and bury.

Clinch and bury.

Because people like me are going to get affected. Clinch your buttinch and bury it.
Because people like me are going to get affected.

Clinch your butt, bury your emotions.

Because people like me are going to get affected, right?

By me.

One day you're going to snap, right?

And then I'm going to be the one that's shot.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Jules, are you ready to start?

She doesn't give a fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She doesn't want to be here.

Isn't it crazy that you brought a 14-year-old girl to the studio?

Yeah, well, I don't know if it's crazy.

It's not my fucking daughter.

What do you mean it's not your daughter?

You think that person right there is my fucking daughter?

That's not my fucking daughter. What do you mean it's not your daughter? You think that person right there is my fucking daughter? That's not your kid? No, it's fucking Juliana.
Juliana is... Wait, you're a male...
That's Rudy Giuliani? You look good, Rudy. Rudy Giuliani.
Rudy! Her nickname is Rudy. Yeah.
Rudy! Rudy? Rudy? So my sister's older sister, Honey.

Honey.

Honey.

She's a Filipino lady.

And she lives in the Philippines.

And she had her oldest daughter is Juliana.

You're the oldest daughter of all the girls.

How old are you?

18?

14.

No, are you really 18?

Yeah, she's 18.

God, they look so... That's why people go over there because you can't tell how old they are.

Right.

That's why white weirdos go over there.

Yeah, they go over there, right?

Because you can't tell how old they are.

Yeah.

Here's my wife, and you think she's 8.

She's like, I'm 36.

I'm 39.

So you're 18.

Yeah.

Are you in school?

Straight A's. What do you know? Is it senior year of high school? What is it? What? Junior year Is there a mic over there or no? No because Well George had it But we don't Do you want her to have the fucking mic that George had? No We set it on fire I burned it outside Oh you did? Yeah We had a fucking ritual What I'm asking What I want to say though is that I feel like you're breaking down.
I'm having a breakdown. I'm having an emotional and mental breakdown.
Because even today, you acted like a little bitch on the phone. No, I didn't act like a bitch.
I wanted to set this up. I know, but what I'm saying is that you know what you opened with? Usually when you call somebody, you open with, hey, how's it going? Whatever.
You went, how come you haven't been calling me back? You're not going to return my texts? Like you're my little fucking side bitch. No.
First of all, what I am is— Yeah, don't get angry. I'm your organizer.
I know, but say it in an adult-type way. Okay.
All right? We have an adult relationship. We're friends.
Okay, here we go. All right, so say it in a very mature way.
First of all, I'm not your bitch. Okay? I'm not your bitch.
Uh-huh. Okay? I am trying to organize this podcast because you didn't want to do it via satellite.

We tried twice to try to do that, right?

It didn't work.

So we're in the studio together.

For people at home, we're six feet apart, six plus feet apart.

Okay?

We've all been quarantined.

So we're doing this as safe as we can.

No one's coughing.

No one has fever.

Mm-hmm.

And I was trying to set this up. This was hard.
And you didn't text me back. hard the next time i call you why don't you just rub your little coochie uh you know what i want to hear when i call you right hello andrew i want to hear your little fucking coochie you little bitch so stop acting like that you're acting you know who you're acting like a friend of ours all right that's what you're acting like.
And I want to say this.

Take it back.

Take it the fuck back.

I'm serious.

Take it back or I'll get mad.

I'll kick this fucking thing over

and we'll have a fight in here.

I want to say this.

You're not like him

or this person that we know,

but today you acted just like him.

Okay.

Well.

Okay.

Take it back.

I'm not going to take it back.

All right.

I'll throw this on you.

If you,

fuck you.

Don't do that.

Why?

I brought my fucking air gun.

Do you have... Take it back.
I'm not going to take it back. All right? I'll throw this on you.
If you... Fuck you.

Don't do that.

Why?

I brought my fucking air gun.

Do you have the gun for real? No, I don't.

Don't.

All right.

Hey, but...

But just stop acting like that.

I came in hot because we needed to do this.

Look, for people at home, let's inform the audience.

We tried to do this via satellite.

It was fucking...

A fucking wreckage.

You know what?

We'll give you a piece of it right now.

Tell me you have lots of those pairs of pairs, or is that just the same one? I just have the same one. That's just the same.
You don't have like 10 of those colors. You just have that one pair of that one that I always see? I have one pair of underwear.
Okay. No.
Don't look the... No.
Can I tell you something? something yeah this is hard to do i fucking hate this i hate it too it's just it's just not efficient i can't feel you i can't feel a vibe from you something yeah i can't feel your negative energy not being negative in the room so we just cut to a clip of how how awful our interaction was on there it was fucking terrible it was the worst here's why it was the worst me and you are great when we're together i i don't if i'm separate we couldn't it wasn't working it just there was no rhythm i couldn't really feel you you look like you were far away kalilah kept popping in in the background yeah and trying to figure out what's going on my fucking people know. Yeah.
Right? If there's a phoner, like if I have to go on the road back in the day and they go, well, can you do a, because you're not going to be in town, but they want you to do this radio show on the phone. I'm not going to do it.
You can't do it. Because I need to go in the room and I need to make fun of people.
Yeah, the only way that you're going to get any good rhythm comedically in those regards especially something like this is if i can feel you i can't do you know and i stopped doing tv i can't do tv anymore either i won't do morning shows oh you won't i can't i i you're probably really weird on them i'm i'm i'm so uncomfortable i would love to see that you fuck with the hosts i've seen what you do on morning shows i can't do that why because i don to be there. I'm so annoyed that I have to be there.
Look. It's so funny because I go back to a city, right? And when I show up, I go, where's, what's his name? And then every time I go back, they always go, yeah, that person didn't want to do it again.
Yeah, they quit because of you. No, but you weird them out.
Yeah. Yes.
Yeah, you weird them. So that's my fucking goal.

I lock up.

Is to weird them out enough so that they one day go, we don't want them. Well, a bunch of comics did.
Like Segura had a run of stuff that he did. So everyone did that.
But then when I would go, I would just feel so – it's so disingenuous to begin with. I just felt – like here, you be the morning host and I'll be me.
Hey, welcome back to Philadelphia in the morning. We've got, oh, a very funny

comedian from the Joe Rogan podcast

and from his

mixology. What a great

actor he is on that.

Andrew Santino. How are you, Andrew?

I'm great. You know, that show's not on the air

anymore. I do have another show that's on right now and I have my

own podcast.

So thanks for having me on.

Very good. Very good good tell me about yourself uh i'm from chicago illinois and i'm on the road right now doing stand-up great what do you are you are you like jerry sein do you know jerry seinfeld that's i i lose my i can't do it i i i it that's you know how some people say they have social anxiety when they get out around crowds? They get uncomfortable? Polar opposite.
When I'm in a room with someone doing that thing, I crumble on the inside. I can't handle it.
The anxiety goes through the roof when somebody's like, so do you do any relationship material? I don't know how to get away from it. I don't know how to, because I can't be mean, because then I look like an asshole.

Because you know, even when I'm not being mean, I sound mean.

Yeah.

Right?

Like, ask me what kind of jokes I do.

Here.

So, I love the comedy.

I watch it on Netflix.

I love the comedy.

Wonderful.

What kind of jokes do you do?

Do you talk about relationships?

Most of it is just me. Most of it.
Fuck! No, but I love it when you comedians do your impressions. Oh, right.
You do a very good Christopher Walken or you do a Donald Trump impression. I actually do an impression of you.
I've done, I've actually. What is it? Please do it.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't, I don't know how to do it. You know what I want to do? I sound like an asshole every time I talk to them.
This is what I want to say. Ask me.
Okay. Welcome to New Jersey's finest WKQM here in the morning.
Today with me is Mr. Bob Lee.
Bobby Lee is a comedian. We love this guy.
We love love this guy. Now, Mad TV's finest.
You've seen this guy. Mad TV's finest.
Bob, you're doing, how many shows are you doing here? You want to meet Toki? Uh-oh. Is this a Mad TV character? No, you want to meet Toki the dum-dum? I would love to meet.
Who's Toki? And I want to pull my dick out and do a little fucking do-do-do-doot-doot. And then they have to go, oh my, cut the cameras, cut the cameras.
That's what I want to do. When you pull out your penis? You want to pull out your penis as Toki foam? Oh my God, I would love to pull out my penis on a morning.
I mean, I would probably get canceled. No.
Yeah, but if I pulled out my dick in a morning news show, it would stay on the internet for life. But they would blur it.
They wouldn't, first of all, they wouldn't put it out. Oh't put it out oh it's live it's live yeah but there's a delay there's like a five second delay oh there is yeah but how about this i think it'd be okay it'd be appropriate to do if it was all men in the room don't you think if it's all guys don't you think it's okay no no why it's just a bunch of buds no have you ever pulled your penis out in front of a bunch of friends oh yeah yeah so it's just a bunch of buds yeah that's true can i ask you a real question side note yeah did you ever masturbate with other guys when you were a young boy did you ever do that did you ever jerk off

with other boys so you did white people do this thing white boys do sleepovers and they'll boys

will jerk off together something i had to learn i didn't know i i've done i can't talk about it

Thank you. You did.
White people do this thing. White boys do sleepovers and boys will jerk off together.

Something I had to learn.

I didn't know.

I've done – I can't talk about it.

Yeah, you can.

No.

Bob.

I've done weirder things than that.

I know you have.

Yeah.

At sleepovers.

Did you ever have a sleepover with other boys?

Oh, yeah.

What did you do?

Come on, Bob.

Bob, it's quarantine.

People need to hear this stuff. I know.

Well, you know, I did more than masturbate.

I'll just say that.

You have sex with other boys?

No, no, no, no.

Not anal intercourse.

Did you kiss other boys pee-pees?

At a little sleepover?

Did you have another boy kiss your pee-pee at a sleepover?

Let's just put it this way.

I had a dude.

I can't say his name. Yeah.
But. Say his name.
No, there's no way. Say his name.
He's got a family probably now. Say his first initial and then say his last.
Never, never. Never and don't fucking do that.
Say his first name and his last initial. No, no, no.
I'm not going to do that. Mike F.
Tony Tony. Let's just call it Tony Tony.
Okay. Tony Tony.
Tony Tony. Tony Tony.
We'd be at a party. Mm-hmm.
And he would just go, here how old 14 okay be drunk okay you know I mean come here and you just go behind a tree and make him he'd make me blow him he would just grab your head and make you blow him yeah yeah just a buddy thing yeah yeah just a buddy I would do it what do you say when it's over nothing that's the great thing about it. You walk away.
You pretend it didn't happen.

Does he come?

No.

So he's just like,

you're sucking my penis.

And then he's like,

get out of here.

What does he say? No, there's no get out of here.

It's just you.

Because I'm not a bitch.

Right.

Right.

I'm a human being.

I have dignity.

You're not a bitch.

He didn't just grab your head.

I have dignity and I have ethics.

Right.

Right?

So he's not going to treat me

like a fucking garbage hero.

Yeah, I'm not some garbage piece of shit.

I'm a guy that just sucked your cock

behind a tree.

You do it

and then you just kind of stand up.

You don't –

Thank you. Right.
Right? So he's not going to treat me like a fucking garbage human. Yeah, I'm not some garbage piece of shit.
I'm a guy that just sucked your cock behind a tree. You do it, and then you just kind of stand up.
You don't really lock eyes. I look at the tree.
Oh, you don't look at him in the face? He looks at the sky with a smile. He'll just do this, and I look at the tree like, why did I just do that? Why did I do that? And then we just go in, and then I'll just go to the party and start dancing wow pretend like it didn't happen is that how my mouth is still wet but how many other men how many other men made you kiss their penis three or four wow tony tony tony was tony tony but he was the worst perpetrator huh he's not a perpetrator it's not like he forced me to do he just goes you just – You just said he grabbed me.
And I did it. That's not – okay.
He said – he made a suggestion. He said – he didn't ask.
He said – he didn't say, will you suck my cock? He just said, come here, and he made you do it. He just grabbed the back of my head and come here.
That's not a – that's a force. That's a force.
Yeah, but I could just pull – I have neck muscles. I could pull it back and go, no, and I could speak English.
Bobby. What?

You were forced.

That was right.

I'm not going there with you.

I just went there.

We're there.

We're inside.

We're right now.

We're inside the room.

I closed all the doors in the windows room.

You've never had a gay experience?

I think – I was thinking about that.

The gayest experience I've had was like – as you were talking, I was like, do I have anything gay?

Like that kind of stuff, nothing like that.

No, but like at sleepovers, yeah. Like what.
Boys will watch a porno and jerk off together. You've done that.
Oh yeah. But you don't, you're not, you're not looking at each other.
Like your dick is under a blanket. Everyone's pretending like they're not jerking off, but they're all jerking off.
Yeah. Yeah.
White boys do that. White boys do that, but they don't, you don't see other guys' penisesises.
Yeah. And you don't know that – everyone's pretending they're not jerking off.
I forget to – if I asked you, you were never molested, right? I was never molested. No, you've asked me that before.
I've never molested, but one time I got an offer from a distant family member. How much money? Was it good money? 65 bucks.

Yeah.

No, I was never molested.

Yeah.

I know a kid, obviously.

I know a kid, and he revealed something to me.

He goes, growing up.

Somebody I know.

I'm not even going to go there.

Come on, Bob.

Bro, we're not, this is not, we're not going to fucking out.

This isn't live.

We're not recording any of this stuff. We're not going to out people here.
It's just a private thing that somebody had once told me about – it is somebody that you know. Yeah.
That he grew up in his – he knew this multi-multi-millionaire in this town that he lived in. Yeah.
And he would like text – not text, but call him and go, I'll give you 200 bucks if you just jerk me off.

What?

Right?

And he would do it because he was a poor, he had a poor family.

Oh, man.

I know, but it's like if he's a millionaire, ask for more money.

200 bucks is nothing.

Yeah, grand.

Start with grand.

Start with one grand.

Yeah.

If I was poor in a town and, because, you know, I was molested for free.

I got nothing out of it.

You got nothing.

Well, you got good stories.

It's good for the bond.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But no, yeah, you got nothing in return.

Yeah, I got nothing.

But if I were to get paid for it, I think it wouldn't have been as traumatic.

What do you mean?

You think it wouldn't have affected you as much?

Hey, Bobby, how do you feel about it?

I feel bad about it.

Look at my new car or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
yeah. 200 bucks.
And how many times did he do this? I think he said about five or six times. And when he told me this time, I go, that's – you should ask for – I got really kind of angry about it.
When you have to jerk someone off like that for money, do you have to look them in the – how would you just look away while you do it? Oh, that's what I would do. Oh, you would? I would look right at him in the eyes.
Oh, you'd stare him in the eyes. Because I'm a kid.

I'm a kid.

He's an adult.

Yeah.

And if you're jerking him off

and looking him in the eyes,

you know the guilt will set in.

Oh, big time.

Right.

And if you're just like...

How old was he, by the way,

when this happened?

He must have been 12.

Jesus Christ.

Like I was like 50.

Like her age, 12, 13?

Yeah, 12, 13.

14, yeah.

You know what?

I would just look in the eyes. If I was 12, yeah.
Just to fuck with him, I'd make baby voices the whole age. 12, 13? Yeah, 12, 13.
14, yeah. You know what? If I was 12, yeah.

Just to fuck with them,

I'd make baby voices the whole time.

I'd go,

I am here.

Just to fuck with them.

Just because I know he's a piece of shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So if I needed the money that bad,

and when I jerk him off,

and I would sing that song,

I'd go,

baby shark,

do do do do do do do do,

baby shark,

the whole time.

Yeah.

Just to get it.

So every time he heard that,

it would be,

because he's a fucker.

Dude, I said that today. Yeah.
Do you know, this is a real this is this is going to blow your mind and make you sad yeah um i'm not going to say who i got the information from because i don't want to out them but uh you can look this up if you have access to it since the quarantine since all this is going on there was a projection that child trafficking was going to start to decline decline yeah right it almost doubled 1.8 times how dude how are these perverts finding I swear to god it almost doubled the statistics you can find online I haven't seen a kid in three weeks.

I know.

Where do they – I don't know.

I've been looking for them. Where do you get them? I've been looking.
Online? I've been touring around the neighborhood with an ice cream truck. Yeah, with my van.
Yeah. Yeah.
They're not around. Not around.
No, dude, seriously. And I said yesterday, I said, where do perverts find – how do they find the time during this thing to get even worse? But then it made me think they're shipping kids from the Philippines.
Stuff like that where they need out. You know what I mean? Was she a...
I don't know. I don't know if she was one of those.
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Did you grow up around a lot of lady boys? Yeah. Yeah.
Why? Why? That's such a it's I'm so fascinated by lady boys boys i think it's why it's such a what a fun culture you know i know you know what a fun and it's so accepted and promoted when i was in thailand and um i was shooting a movie in thailand and i had sex with a couple of prostitutes regular ones but one night i was just in the mood you know how you get in the mood sometimes well for, for what? For ice cream? For a walk? No, I just woke up with a tingling sensation. For dick? No, just in the mood.
In a mood. Don't say the mood.
The mood is different for you. I don't know.
I never felt like that before. Okay.
Since, you know, but I woke up and I went, you know what? I'm in a mood. You're in a mood.
And I am going to go down to the ladyboy town. Right? And I walked around.
And what happens is it's – I don't know if you've been to Tijuana. I've been to Tijuana multiple times, yeah.
Where the kids come out of nowhere. The chicklet kids? Meester.
You want to buy my chicklet? Meester, I need money. Meester.
You can buy my chicklet? Right. But in fucking Thailand, right? They were like, meester,'ll suck your dick, mister.
And they were coming out of nowhere, right? And I had to like, you know what I mean? Get the fuck out of here. Let me see.
You know what I mean? Let me see your dick. Get the fuck out of here.
But for some reason, I was just like, I can't. I can't do it.
I couldn't take that extra. You couldn't go through with the ladyboy thing? I can't take that extra step But the ladyboy thing I'm okay with as long as they're of age If you want to go have sex with a prostitute that's over 18 I'm fine with that Yeah The problem is a lot of those ladyboys are underage, right? Aren't they? Yeah, see? Yeah That's my beef That's gross Fucking kids is gross If you felt like fucking a ladyboy because you wanted a party because it was a nice Tuesday I'm down as long as it's a grown up you are so if I told you I don't want to do it if I told you that that's my thing ladyboys you wouldn't look down on me or make fun of me in that way no I've supported you our entire friendship with a lot of weird shit I wouldn't look down on you at all.
Yeah. That feels good.
Not even a little bit. If it was of age, I got a big problem with the kid thing.
That's a weird- What? Why do you keep pointing at me and saying kids? I've never fucked a kid before. I'm just saying, she keeps nodding off that, yeah, there's a lot of ladyboys that are little kids.
There's a lot of kids. Yeah.
No kids. Yeah.
I don't care about the adult stuff. Adults can do whatever they want, as long as they're grown adults.
If adults are like, you know, I saw a guy on the internet yesterday. Somebody sent me a meme.
There is like a whole, this masochistic porn where guys will hang upside down from the ceiling on their penises and get hit. You know, people hit them and stuff.
Yeah. And the woman spits on them.
Dominatric, dominatric stuff. I know what dominatric, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But hanging by their penis? That's a new thing. I've never seen it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm okay with all this stuff.
Let me ask you something. As long as two adults are cool.
I don't want to get in trouble out there, but I just want to propose an idea. Okay, propose.
Is why 18? Why is that in the number? Yeah, because you know, a thousand years ago, whenever it happened in America, right, there

was some sort of meeting, right, and a bunch of dudes got together and go, all right, let's

make the-

What kind of dudes?

Just Christian white dudes.

White dudes.

White dudes.

A bunch of white weirdos.

Let's make the legal age 18, and you know there was one guy in the back.

Who goes?

They go, uh, 16?

16.

Just throwing it out there.

My wife is nine. Could we maybe skew it lower in some places? Well, you know there's some states it's not 18.
It's 17. There's certain states that it's not the legal.
But why is it because of – why is 18 and 21? Why are these numbers assigned? They seem arbitrary. Okay.
Is that the right word, arbitrary? Arbitrary is right. Yeah, they do.
They are arbitrary, but they, and I could be wrong. I'm not Joe Rogan.
I'm not going to, I don't know that, I don't know how to delve into these things, but like what I think is. Yeah, I want to know your thought.
I don't know about the truth. Well, what I've heard is, I think it's because they say your growth of your brain activity and the development of your brain, when it hits 18, you kind of have developed your brain in full.
So you're no longer an adolescent. You don't have adolescence still.
But what if somebody – let me propose this idea. Yeah.
Are there 15-year-olds? I'm not saying. That are fully developed? Yeah, their brains – is there any way to check that? Yeah, and what you're actually saying is,

you know how they say women mature faster than men,

so I bet you an 18-year-old boy is like a 14-year-old girl,

so then you're good.

I'll also propose that maybe there's 21-year-old women

that their brains are not fully developed.

I've met those as well.

Most of them.

No, I think what you're saying is right, though.

Why are those the numbers?

I don't know.

But also, like, liquor is 21 here,

and I'll see you next time. no i think i think what you're saying is right though why are those the numbers i don't i don't i don't know but also like liquor is 21 here everywhere else it's 18 right yeah because the rest of the world thinks if you could fight and go shoot a gun at for your country for war i don't know why you wouldn't be able to drink alcohol we do it i think because we binge more we binge more than other countries.
Because look, back in the day, like in the early 1900s, kids, 10-year-old kids used to work in factories. Well, you also had a child at 15 years old.
Right. So when did these laws and these rules come up? As we progress as society.
All right, all right. That's all I'm asking.
No, no, no, but we live longer. That's all I'm thinking.
Oh, we live longer. We live much longer.
You used to die at 35. Right.
You would be a great grandpa. So you had to get your fucking in at 7.
You had to knock it out at 7 or 8. Yeah, right, right, right.
Yeah, you had to go to work in the morning as an 8-year-old in the factory. Get home.
You'd pump your 6-year-old wife. Yeah.
You'd hopefully have a kid, you know, and then you'd die by 30. Imagine those days when, like, if you see Deadwood or before the 1950s, people would just do cocaine because it wasn illegal yeah right i imagine there was like a 20 30 year period where you can do heroin opium and it was completely legal it was just kind of uh people looked at it like um as if i said like how people smoke pot yeah it's legal now but you know if if somebody doesn't like pot and they see someone that smokes pot and they're like, I'm not really a fan.
That's what heroin was like 100 years ago.

For me, like whenever – if you see old Western movies and TV shows, the Asian dude – there's three jobs Asian people have.

Opium den?

Opium den.

Railroad.

Laundry.

Laundry.

Railroad.

Railroad, right, those three.

I would be opium den.

You would.

Come this way, Mr. Jones.

Right?

And they would sit down on the bed.

Yeah.

Smoke, be free, relax.

And you know what I would do?

What?

I would smoke the opium, and then it'd make you suck my dick.

That place is amazing.

Lee's fucking opium day?

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

He blows you, too, for no reason.

You force him to do it.

He doesn't even say no.

Yeah, because what I would do is I would get people high.

I would go through their shit.

Right?

Because they pass out. They fucking not off.
I would steal some shit, right? And then I would probably smoke some of my own shit. No, you wouldn't.
No, you wouldn't because you would see the effect that it has on those people. And you'd know that it would fuck you up.
In fact, I think a lot of those opium dens were – weren't they controlled by the mafia? Weren't they controlled by like the – what's the – I wasn't around back then. I don't know, man.
But what's the new, the Yakuza? Isn't that the Japanese mafia? Yeah, but there were Chinese- I know, I know, I know, but I'm saying, whatever the Yakuza was for China, they owned all the- The triad, the Chinese triad. Right, didn't they own all those drug dens? Wasn't that their shit? I don't know if the Chinese mafia was around in the old west Had to been What do you mean? I don't know

Because

Mafia is

Because I'll tell you why

Yeah

Is because

The worst job you could have as an Asian person

Back in that day

Right

Is

Railroad is one thing right

But there was a division

That had dynamite duty

Yeah

It was always the Chinese

Yeah

Right

So if they had mafia or some sort of union

There would have been somebody that stepped and goes

Oh no

We'll be right back. duty yeah it was always the chinese yeah right so if they had mafia or some sort of union there would have been somebody that stepped and goes oh no we're not gonna do that anymore right right that was right yes i don't think there was anyone talking for us or there was any kind of you know um mafia that helped that just depends on how protected you are right yeah you can't protect everybody i want to ask you this is a very serious serious moment.
Dead serious. Do you think the statistics that they're kind of skewing online and not really opening up about Asian people, specifically Chinese people getting attacked in public, do you think it's a real thing? Do you think it's becoming a real problem? I'm being serious.
I read a news article that said people are spitting on Chinese people now when they see them in public. I'm dead serious.
Yeah, I mean, I don't. You think this is inflated or this is real? Listen, all I can talk about is my own experience and online and the little bit I've been out, I have not experienced any kind of.
Since the virus, if you're out in public, have you ever heard a racial slurur no i i know we live in a very insular place here have you jules have you ever had someone no nobody nothing have you felt any negativity from other people when you go out in public or no because i think i'm sure it's real but here's the thing i've come with i come with my experiences with racism before this event yeah and. And I do have feelings about that, but those feelings haven't changed.
I still believe there are massive amounts of people in America that are racist. Sure.
Right? In the middle, some in the middle, some in the South. No, you're not.
No, I'm not. You're absolutely not.
No, I know. Yeah.
So that I come with. So I think those people are maybe extra racist during this time period.
But it's like I don't know if racism has clicked up. Right.
Well, because that's what a lot of this stuff says. They say like Trump's rhetoric is making people more racist.
They're saying because they called it the Chinese virus, which we joked about before, and the Kung Flu. It like, is he making people more racist? And I think you're not going to be more racist than you already were a fucking racist.
Yeah. And I don't think this is like imploring people to go do more racist shit.
If you're a dumb jagoff that's a racist, you were going to do whatever you were going to do because you're I don't think this I don't think this changes things. That's my point.
I just don't. I don't think so.
But I do think that maybe people are more, it gives them power to be more vocal about the racism. Sure, yeah.
So I think that that could be the case. They could post on their Facebook to all their creepy friends, like fucking goddamn fucking jinx again, and they get away with it because now, you know, because of now what's going on.
And no one, no one, no one gets on them about it because people around them that think like they do go, yeah, fucking Chinese. So it loops.
So maybe – They do believe that for some reason or another because of who's in charge, it's given power to the – like before you were able to hide the shit. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Our president's number one on Facebook.

Number one.

Number one on Facebook.

What number are you on Facebook?

I don't care.

We're in a pandemic.

Listen.

I'm not on Facebook.

I know.

But when he said that, I laughed.

I'll tell you why.

When he said, I'm number one on Facebook. Yeah.

When he said that, right, Trump?

Yeah.

I imagined, right, some guy hooked up to a respirator, right, in a hospital going, good job. Why? That's awesome.
I don't know why, but that just came. Good job, lady.
You know what I mean? One paralyzed guy being excited. Here's the thing is that regardless if he's – I don't know if he's a good president or a bad president, but it's like, hey man, there's just a time to say something and there's a time not to.
That's the thing. It's like instinctually, you know, I want to post certain things, but I pass it.
I call other people. Well, you ask Kalilah before you post, right? Yeah, I'll go, Kalilah, do you think this is weird? And she'll go, no dude, that's just so fucking narcissistic.
Why would you post that? You go, you're

right. Who's the comic that you call before you tweet

something? Is there someone that you call?

Black stuff? It's Ian Edwards?

Yeah. He's my guy.

I'm not kidding. I'm not either.

Ian Edwards is the first one. Ian is my guy.

If I have a tweet that might be racist, I always

go, is this racist?

And he will genuinely go, yeah, no, that's

fucked up. One night I was at

the improv. I was at the improv

and I'm not going to say who's

Thank you. go is this racist and he will genuinely go yeah no that's fucked up one night i was at the uh improv i was at the improv and i'm not gonna say who's i'm not gonna say who it was but there was a a buddy a comic who i'm friends with black comic who was on stage and uh you know look it's a typical thing in our culture that we joke about that black guys run the light on stand-up shows it's just a joke it's not a joke no.
It's a scientific. It's a fact, but it's a joke.
It's a joke with us, right? We always joke about it. Yeah.
Black comics usually run the light. I don't care that that's – it's not racist.
That's a fact if you're a comic. It's something we joke about, right? Mexicans do it too.
Yeah, but they deserve it. Oh, they give them a little time, okay? Yeah.
No, but anyway, so he was running the light, and I put something in my Twitter drafts, and I asked Ian about it, and I said, is this bad? It's not a mean joke. I just said, every time a black comic smacks the mic on his leg, another one runs the light.
That's funny. And he was like, no, that's not that bad.
But I ended up not doing it because I was afraid. I just didn't want the thing.
Yeah. Because Twitter was so volatile at the time.
Yeah. Remember when anything that anybody would say, people would like, and they would jump on you about it.
Yeah. So I just, I was like, no, I'm not going to do it.
That's another thing that you just brought up, though, my pet peeve is that, and I'm not saying, white comics do it as well. Yeah.
But it's like when a joke, when they tell a joke and they laugh at it themselves and then they, you know what I mean? Smack the mic on the leg. Smack the mic on the leg.
I hate it. It drives me.
Well, Chappelle does it a lot and I think a lot of comics – yeah, but I think a lot of comics stole it from him. That's what it is.
He started it and it's fine when he does it because what he's saying is very, very funny. Of course.
And it would make him laugh. Yes.
But now comics do it when it's not funny. Yes.
It drives me nuts. Smacking the mic on your leg.
It's not your thing. So don't do it.
And then the audience gets fooled into it. Right.
Right. There's so many like little tricks like that on stage that people do that I know about.
Yeah, we know. You know what I mean? There's a playbook.
I know what you guys are thinking. You're thinking, you know, when they say, when they start, you know what I mean, pointing out what the audience is, what they're, and then the audience laughs as if – Well, they give them the – so they give them the thing that they're supposed to laugh about.
Yeah. So they go – and I know what you're saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you're saying, sir.
Right. So they just gave it to them.
It's a trick. Right.
It's a great trick. Yeah, there's so many little tricks like that people do.
Little parlor tricks. Yeah.
I'm going to ask you a real question. I had a conversation with a friend the other day about this.
You talk real fast. Do you think – I know.
I'm on coke. Do you think that – do you think you have to have a little bit of fucked up-ness to be a good comic? It's a never-ending debate.
No, because I think before when I started doing stand-up, that was the case. But I think comedy has changed.
Do you think everybody that's at the top is fucked up a little bit? No, I think that – I mean give me a list of comedy. I'll tell you who's not fucked up.
I'll give you a list right now. Sebastian Montescalco.
Yep, he kills kids. He kills kids.
I know. He goes to a private island to shoot children.
Imagine. Who else? Who else is high on the list? They all have – Sebastian doesn't have any issues i don't think i think he had a i know his sister i've met his parents before he's the nicest guy good work ethic you know he's not even italian you know that right yeah he is he's argentinian no he's not here's another one yeah al madrigal what do you mean good dude al's insane al has massive anger issues i know al very well yeah al's crazy he has he has anger issues al will kill al will kill al will kill somebody al is a murderer yeah i know dudes that will kill somebody that aren't fucking comics as well what i'm saying is is that al is volatile al can be volatile and he's a crazy person i love al he's crazy okay let let's let me call al let me see if he thinks he's got watch this let's see if yeah let's see if he's got any he's not gonna wait what's going on how do i do this why wouldn't he pick up you don't think he's gonna pick up the phone if i ask him i think he'd pick up for me oh you want to call him at the exact same time yeah let's see wait wait yeah that's hold on well i can't i can't connect to the oh and now I'm connected.
Wait, don't do it yet. No, I'm calling.
No, let's do it at the him at the exact same time yeah let's see hold on I can't connect to the oh now I'm connected no I'm calling let's do it at the same time to see who he picks up first well no because I'm connected to the mic and you're not I'm connected hey look at how fast that was one ring I'm on the bank wearing a mask oh you're at the bank right now oh you're at the bank are you robbing the bank I'm in the bank wearing a mask. Oh, you're at the bank right now? Oh, you're at the bank? Are you robbing the bank? I'm in the bank wearing a full mask.
Luckily, all the tellers are wearing masks. So we're in good shape.
Are you guys doing bad friends? Yeah. Hey, Al, can I ask you one quick question in the bank before you rob it and kill everybody? Do you think that you're a little fucked up and you have the capability of snapping and killing someone if need be? If, if it came down to it and I needed to kill someone, like let's say somebody was trying to attack one of the kids, I'd break somebody's neck or kill somebody in two fucking seconds.
But that's everyone. Okay, but Al, but Al, don't you think? We were talking about, you know, it do, you know how comics have issues and they had fucked up childhoods and that's what drove them to doing stand-up?

And we're talking about healthy comics that I don't think that had that kind of history.

And I mentioned your name. I just feel like that you're typically just a normal, regular, kind of a nice guy.

Yeah, but Al, don't you have an undertone of anger?

Yeah, yeah.

I've talked about it.

It's well documented.

All right, Al. I love you.
it's well documented but I yeah

alright Al

I love you

talk to you soon

I have a lot of moments

I regret it

bye

bye

he's the fucking best

see he's killing it right now

I know

he just

the Ben Affleck movie

what was it called

what's it called

Basketball Times

Basketball Times

welcome back

but like

even if you

you know he's second on the

he's second on the thing

on the billing or whatever

when I saw his name

I know it went Ben Affleck

and Al Madrigal

Now, let's second on the, he's second on the thing, on the billing or whatever when I saw his name.

I know.

It went Ben Affleck and Al Madrigal.

And he is in another movie coming out too.

Yeah, he's got more shit coming out.

Yeah, what a fuck.

Killing the game.

Ben Affleck, by the way, saw him at the Clipper game.

Yeah.

When they were doing the premiere of that movie a month ago.

Yeah.

Dissed him?

I dissed him hard. You dissed him? Dissed him hard.
Ben Affleck? Yeah, Ben Affleck. He turned around.
He goes, Santino. And I go, yeah, man, what's up? And I looked away.
Why? He didn't do that. He doesn't know you.
Yeah, no, he does. We got old beef, dude.
Ben and I have old school beef. What happened? We went out, and a group of us went out to dinner one time.
Yeah. You know, and everyone's like, oh.
Why do you have beefs? You have beefs with, I can name. No.
I'm not going to name names. Ben Affleck are out at a nice dinner.
But you, I'm telling everyone listening right now, all right. Fucking guy.
No. Yes, you do.
Dude, I did that. You want me to name names? No, but I'm making up the Ben Affleck story.
I know, but I know you're not. I know you're making that up.
Yeah. But I just want, look at how angry you're getting.
But don't name any fucking people. I swear to God I'm not.
But he's called me before this guy and goes, I have to fuck that guy. Fuck that guy.
And it's usually a big movie star or a TV star. Yeah.
But what happened? Oh, man, I was out, man. And I said hi to him.
And he was like acting all weird. No.
And he didn't listen to me. The only reason I say fuck that guy is if they deserve it.
If they deserve it. I only fuck you if you deserve it.
Yeah. If you're a dick to me, I'm going to be a dick to you.
You're too nice. You let people be mean to you and you're still nice to them back.
No, I, you don't think that I have beefs with big celebrities? I know you do. I have personal beefs with, I know, but they have to cross a big line with you.
They cross lines with Papa and when Papa gets, I don't, you know, I'm at a point now in my career, let's have a war. You're ready.
I am ready to have a war because I'm 48 now. I don't give a fuck.
You know, Ken Jeong got pissed off about what we said about him and him and Joe Biden starting a podcast. No.
John McHale. They got pissed off.
Why were they pissed off? Ken Jeong went public about it. He said, I can't believe these two pieces of shit are talking about me.
No, they know it. I talked to him.
He said, Bobby's talentless and Santino's a nobody. Two days ago, he texted me and we talked.
So you lie again. I'm telling you.
You red-headed freak full of Chicago lies. Did you really? Did you talk to him? Yes.
What did he say? Nothing. We didn't talk.
I didn't even remember even saying his thing about Bad Friends. What's their show called? The Greatest.
Good Buds? I don't know. I didn't talk to him.
No, you fucking liar! I didn't talk to him. too.
You lie. You're a good little liar.
I lied too. You're a good liar.
I am a good liar. Click fast and save big.
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Hey, let me ask you one more real question. Are you finding time to go to meetings? How are you doing it do you zoom in a meeting i did a meeting monday night it's a men's meeting it was 86 men and everyone shared wait wait wait online yeah on zoom you do 86 people on a zoom it took four hours how can that be but it was great you know i shouldn't ah fuck it say it so i had a friend i have a friend that you know he's a comic.
Yeah. Oh, I know who it is.
Yeah, but don't say his name. Yeah.
And he was also in the meeting. Yeah.
And what's great about Zoom meetings now is that you could have my phone to my left. They have the computer in front of me.
Yeah. And we could text each other about what people are wearing or like boo-hoo or even positive things.
But I think that's what made the meeting good does sometimes when people share do occasionally people share and people like roll their eyes yeah and sometimes i get angry like you know one time about a month ago somebody shared something because in the meeting that i go to there's a two minute time limit you can only say for talk for two minutes only two. And then as soon as the bell goes off, you have to shut up.
So is there any black people in the meeting? Oh, there's a lot of black people. Do they run the limit? No.
They don't even... Fuck you.
But there was a guy, I swear to God, there was a guy that shared whose head is... Guys, the cancer came back.
Oh, shit. He's like, the cancer came back and it's spread.
He's crying. It's spreading.
And they're saying that chemo might not even be enough. Beep.
And he had to sit down. Yeah.
He stopped talking. You have to.
Oh, my God. And the people were like, all right.
So and the next guy shared. Thanks a lot.
And no one even said – like I wanted to go, give him another minute.

Yeah, give him one more.

Yeah.

I know this is a very hacky concept, but I mean this.

If it's anonymous, why do you announce your name?

Because I can say – Does anybody use a pseudonym?

No.

I can say that I'm in AA if I want to, but I can't call anyone else out that's in the program. I know, but if I feel like if I was in a program, I would not say my real name.
But because it's anonymous, no one's going to talk about it. I know, but I don't...
No one says your last name. No one, you know, I'll go...
Well, they know who the fuck you are. Yeah, I'll go, hey, my name is Bobby Lee Live.
That's my Twitter handle. And I'm an alcoholic.
You know what I mean? Thanks, Bobby. But so I don't give a fuck, right? Did you say alcoholic and drug addict but there are some guys that are big celebrities yeah who had changed their name as a celebrity but they go by their real name ah in the room all right right so i'm tony you know i mean but you know them as like you know i mean marcus somebody else yeah that was ttx you know i mean the rapper oh tx whatever but they'll go do you have any rappers in your program we have everything wow we got like moguls we got you know i mean plumbers we got all kinds of stuff man plumbers and moguls that is cool see it's kind of like in la i feel like meetings are more of a fucking cultural meetup than anything else no but it's men's and it's like it's really real it's like what i like about no it.
No women at all? It's a men's meeting. Yeah, so there's no women.
Why? Is that a normal thing to separate sexes? There's a stag. I'll tell you why stag meetings are better for me is because the mixed meetings is – there's a lot of distractions going on.
Number one, when you share, you keep in mind because there are women there as well. You get conscious of that.
You get conscious of that and you can't really be that vulnerable but in front of men right and when men are being vulnerable you say whatever the fuck you want it feels better and also um what i like about it is is that when i see people that are doing in perceptionally better than me or are bigger than me famous wise and-wise. Yeah, just in terms of the history books, and they're going through trauma and daily life things that I go through, and they still struggle with issues.
It makes me, I don't know, it just gives me like, I'm not the only one on this boat. Right, you're not alone.
Yeah, I'm not alone.

That feels really nice.

It feels good that no matter where you are in life, no matter how much money that you have, no matter how much success you have, that you're always going to, number one, take you with you. You're always going to be the same.
It doesn't fix you. Right.
Everyone knows that whatever you get, that's why now when people are – when friends of mine get successful and this and that i just know that you know whatever they get it does not it's not fixing whatever issues that they have they're the same guy sure and that it doesn't really fucking matter you know i mean so right i need to be reminded of you take you with you is very cool you're always taking taking yourself with you. So it's like feeling happy is an inside job.

Yeah. It is.

No, trust me. I learned that.

Is it called Al-Anon? Is that families of...

Yeah. You wouldn't know if you went to it, but anyway.

No, I did. I just remember...

I went with my dad one time, and I didn't

enjoy it. I remember not enjoying it.

It was really hard to get me to go.

I really struggled. Because there are comics that are heavily into that no no this and by the way this wasn't al-anon this was something thing yeah i i i though i had been to that but this was a real uh it was a conference like a national meetup oh yeah yeah yeah an international a conference yeah and i went to one of those and he was there and it was really tough.
It was really tough for me. Well, your dad's recovering? Mm-hmm.
He is? Yeah. He's been clean for years now.
But did he go to AA meetings? Yeah. Oh, he's active.
He's my brother then. Yes.
He goes to NA meetings. Yeah, but he's my brother.
Sure. Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool.
Yeah. He's also much older now so he doesn't go as much much as he used to.
But I could talk shop with him. Well, yeah.
I mean, you live two very different lives, but yes. Why? Because his was more crime-induced.
His landed him in jail a lot. Yeah, but the similarity— Yours was more subject behind a tree.
They always say, look for the similarities, not the differences. Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, no.

Well, no.

Yeah.

You are.

Yeah.

So I went to one of those, but it was really hard for me.

Yeah.

I still never come to grips with the idea of like being in and out of prison for drugs.

I never understood that.

It made me mad.

He never robbed anybody.

He never killed anybody.

He never, he never like imposed violence.

So.

I don't want to.

Do you have therapy?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

I just, you know, I just. Last time I went was 08.
08, 09. I know.
I just think that – and this is just my humble opinion. Yeah.
That you just maybe need a little bit more spirituality in your life. First of all, I was – first of all, I grew up a Catholic.
So you don't fucking know – Not that kind of spirituality. Yeah, well, that fucks you up.
It makes you not want to be spiritual.

Yeah.

So grow up a Catholic and see what goes through those schools.

No, more namaste spirituality.

Namaste is hard to get to when your Catholicism is your youth.

Anybody who's a fan that knows about Catholicism,

it'll fuck you up as a kid.

It's crazy.

Yeah, but what I'm saying is that can you at least be open to it or no? Do some meditation. No, because as a young Catholic, you learn to not be open.
If you're open, that's when you get caught. You've got to change, man.
You've got to fucking change. Clinch it and bury it.
That's what I'm asking you. Clinch and bury it.
No, no, no. Clinch and bury it.
Clinch and bury it. Because people like me are going to get affected.
Clinch your butt, bury your emotions. Because people like me are going to get affected, right? By me.
One day you're going to snap, right? And then I'm going to be the one that's shot. No.
I don't want to die. And I love you.
I would ever shoot you and kill you. You know, that's another thing that you do.
What? On our phone calls. Even though you do answer with fucking, like a bitch.
Dude, stop saying bitch. Like a baby bitch? Stop saying because I will fight you.
I will fucking fight you and I don't want to hear bitch anymore. Stop saying that.
All right. Say asshole.
Asshole's fine. No, no, no.
How about this? Yeah. You act like a very loose pussy.
Is that better? And you act like an aloof. I don't want to say the word.
I don't want to say the word. Don't say it.
Why can't I say that word that I'm thinking of? Gook? No.

No.

You act like an aloof,

mentally challenged person.

I get what you're saying.

But look,

yes,

we all probably need a little bit more therapy.

Can I tell you a moment

in therapy that really made me...

I want to just say

the thing that you're doing,

though,

that I've noticed

is at the end of our conversations at at the end of our conversations

you always say i love you i do i say i love you do you know why i say that fuck you bob do you know why i say i love you do you know why i say i love Why? Because it's my way of saying I know I'm heavy. I know I'm a lot.
Yeah. You know I love you.
Ah. You said really it's more of a it's not a real thing then.
No, no, no. It's saying like You say that everybody.
I say it to people only to my closest friends. I won't say it to I will never say it to her.
Brian it to her If Brian Callen called you Would you say He probably picks up the phone and goes Hey buddy No he goes hey loose pussy No When Callen picks up the phone You're you and you're calling me I'm Brian Here you go ready Who am I You're you No you're calling me. I'm Brian.
Here you go. Ready? Wait, who am I? You're you.
Okay. Hello.
No, you're calling me.

Oh.

Okay.

Hello, hold on. One second.
It's Brian. Hold on one second.

Just turning off my oxygen tank.

Yeah.

Hold on. Hold on.

He old.

Let me get up real fast.

No, if I said, when Brian, when I hang out with Brian, I say, I don't know if I say I love your brother to him, but maybe. A lot of guys I do that I really do love.
All right. Let me ask you this.
I only say it to people. Look at my eyes right now.
Do you really do love me? I do. I love you very much.
I love you too. I love you too.
She's smiling. Jules.
Jules. I know.
Don't say anything, but because here's the thing with, the thing I just gotta get this off my chest I like that you're yelling you're yelling at her and telling her not to say anything this is like back home for her she doesn't want to talk you can't talk she doesn't want to talk if you have to poop put up number two she doesn't want to talk she's shy but you know I don't know how she feels about me what do you mean i don't i think i don't know i don't know if she's like i have to live in this house with this fucking crazy person right yeah but isn't she living rent free yeah she is yeah well she's fine if she's living rent free then she's fine pal all right well i think that it's it's it's difficult for her because she's from the philippines she grew up in the Philippines. She's out here for school, and we did a lot of things to get her out here.
She's getting straight A's. She's acclimated herself to American society, but she doesn't know the language.
I mean I think she's fine, but she doesn't really talk to me that much. What do you mean she doesn't talk to you that much? She'll go, good morning, Tito Bobby, which is, I guess, Uncle Bobby.
And I keep telling her, call me Tito Tito. Tito means uncle? Right? Yeah.
So she'll go, good morning, Tito Bobby. How are you? Fine.
And then that's the conversation for the rest of the day. So you think she doesn't like you because she doesn't talk to you? I think that she – I don't know.
I just – every once in a while I would like her to go, how are you feelings? How are you feelings today? Maybe she's not in touch with that side. Yeah, she is young.
Maybe she's someone who's just not in touch with that side.

Yeah.

Do you think about that maybe?

But one time it was great because Kalilah and I, when we were in Seattle, we took Jules to Seattle.

Remember that?

Yeah.

And then we were in the movie theater to watch Hereditary.

Yeah.

The movie, right?

And so it's me, Jules, and Kalilah, and there's this couple in front of us. And there was a point in the movie where it scared me because it's a horror fucking movie.
Yeah. So I go, ah, like that.
And then the couple turns around and go, will you shut the up? They shut the fuck up? To me. Be quiet.
If you're going to do that, stay at home. Watch it at home.
Fuck you, lady. Right.
So Kalilah and I – remember that?

So Kalilah and I, we stopped watching the movie, and we just started staring at the back of their heads.

Right?

So this is what happened.

And then we – so I had to watch the movie twice because now at this point –

Now you want to kill these people.

The whole time.

And then, Jewel, did you feel what was going on then?

Yeah.

So she felt it. Yeah.
So then the movie people. The whole time.
And then, Jewel, did you feel what was going on then? Yeah. So she felt it.

Yeah.

So then the movie ends.

The credits start rolling.

And everyone gets up to leave.

Not Kalilah and I.

Oh, you sat there.

We sat there and just stared at the back of their heads.

And now they're sitting there like this, like, they're not leaving.

They're not fucking leaving.

Right?

They can feel you guys.

Oh, yeah.

As soon as the lights go on, Kalilah and I stand up and just start fucking right fuck you you know what I mean who the fuck you and Jules is what the fuck is going on and then we follow them outside the fucking movie theater you know four levels they're on the escalator we're're on the escalator climbing and just, fuck you, bitch. You, this and that.
Was she embarrassed? Was Jules embarrassed? No. Were you angry? Were you upset at them for doing that or did you like it? I was upset.
She was upset too. Yeah.
Yeah, but it was a crazy thing. She seems too nice to do anything like that though.
No, but apparently she is edgy. She's got a dark side.
In the Filipino language. So I guess if you're in Cebu.
Yeah, Cebu. Yeah, she is like fucking Sarah Silverman.
You know what I mean? Like edgy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But here in America, she's like fucking librarian. Titu means uncle? Is there a word for redheaded people? Like what's the word for weirdo or gross or freak? Uggery.
Uggery? What's the word for uggery? Batignow. Batignow.
Yeah, that's me. Batignow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mr.
Batignow. It's a beautiful island.
Look at that. Thank you, yeah.
Oh, yeah, that's what I want to do is let's call Andreas because I know you want to hear from your fancy bee and let's see what he's got for us in the chamber because we could do video with him. Do you want to see his face or you don't care? I love his face.
So you do want to see him? Yeah. By the way, he called me the other day.
The other day, he got kicked out of his place. Really? They can't afford it.
And he asked me to, he's like, could you loan me a little bit of money? Yeah. No.
We don't need to help him out. I said, you'll figure it out.
Grow up. No, no, no.
Don't be a dick, bro. I said be a man, dude.
Grow up. Don't be a dick in this fucking circumstances we are.
I sent him monster.com. There's a ton of jobs you can get.
I said there's a whole... Hola.
Hola. Hola, ¿qué pasó? ¿Qué pasó, amigo? Hey, do you want to do...
Do you want to come on you want to come on and do your video standup right now?

Do you have the ability to or no?

Yeah, I do.

We want you to do the jokes that you prepared.

You know what I want to do?

Let's do a different exercise.

What do you want?

Let's do some improv.

With him?

So I want him to stand there, right?

Okay.

Right.

And he's going to improvise a bit.

Okay.

Hey, Andres?

I need to put him up against a wall.

Yeah, because the challenge isn't strong enough. Yeah, it's not challenging.
Andres, I andres i'm gonna get on google i'm gonna get on google chat and hit you okay okay uh well if you could facetime me maybe it's a little better quality yeah i'll facetime you then how about that how about that okay yeah piece of shit thank you dude he's gotten a little too ever since we started you know employing him i you, he's been a little much. We have to be careful, though, because I know – I've been on podcasts before.
Yeah. And I've had – I've seen – witnessed people that were like an engineer or somebody that just was in the background get kind of popular on a podcast, and they they change so we got to put them him

on you think he's changed no i just we just don't want that right we don't want that to get to that

point yeah i don't want him if need be jules can take over andreas all right here we go let's see

if we can let's see if we can get rosende here hey sweetheart there he is hey guys hey you seem nervous yeah why do you seem so nervous i don't know there he is so um you know what andreas the last the other day when you did it um you read it off the page. They're still two talk showy jokes for me.

Yeah. So we want you to just improvise a little bit and not – and just improvise.
It doesn't have to even be funny, but I just want you to – It's not going to be funny. Thank you.
Right. You can only see me.
Do you want me to turn it so you can see Bobby?

No, I don't need to see him.

He doesn't need to see me.

Yeah.

So like, you know, I want him to like do more Seinfeld-y jokes.

Like what's up with airports?

Well, you want jokes or improv?

I was going to – Yeah, so talk about airports.

Talk about driving.

Talk about –

How about you get up there?

You start – do one of your regular jokes, and then you're going to talk to me and Bob as if we're members of the audience to try to engage with us. Okay.
Let's see how good you are. Crowd work is what we call it.
You ready? Okay. All right.
Get up there. Read, read one of your best jokes and then start doing crowd work with me and Bobby.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Right.
Here we go. We want to do the intro this time.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm going to do the intro. Go ahead.
Hey, welcome do the intro ready go ahead hey welcome to the fart

factory laugh house here in connecticut uh i'd love to bring up this next guy he is incredible he's a size 37 waist where the fuck did you go oh okay get off camera then we'll start that way get off camera all right here we go ready all right welcome back to the fart Chuckle Fuck House. This is your next comic.
He plays clubs and colleges. Andres Ossende.
Yay. Yay.
So good to be here. Thank you for having me.
So last week, while we were shooting the episode six of Bad my friends i found a note from bobby in in the in the trash can oh wow i will can i read it yeah bobby wrote this note yeah i think i mean it's bobby wrote this note it has even like you, some ashes from his cigarette.

It says, you know, Bobby Lee's resolutions.

In times of Corona.

Exactly.

Okay.

So let's see what he wrote.

Make sure to touch face enough so people notice I wear gloves.

And yeah, I think he's doing a great job with that. Don't you think? Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Second one is play less Stardew Valley and more Math Blaster. That's good.
It's good. Good challenge.
Change phone password from 2222 to 1234 so fans can guess it. Yep, I think that's a good one because a lot of people have been commenting on that.
um stop using Peloton as high chair and start pedaling more

and A lot of people have been commenting on that. Stop using peloton as high chair and start pedaling more.

And so you can lose to bird crasher in triathlon.

Yeah.

So he needs to start training more.

And this is like, try the low carb Lumonati's pizza.

Because he's eating too much of the pepperoni one. So, yeah, that's a good one, too.
Sweep the other side of the streets on Mondays. Yeah, that's good.
Change name to Bobby Ectotic to enter the Poway High Hall of Fame be more woke and set the alarm before noon and then the last one says here have Andres well have Fancy B write me 15 minutes of jokes for my special he's crushing it thank you so much yeah okay do some crowd work do some crowd work so do some crowd work like we're audience members we're audience members where you're from yeah so guys what do you think where are you from i'm from san diego dude oh san diego that's so good. You're basically a Mexican.

Holy shit.

More, more, more.

What do you do for a living?

Stay on that audience member.

Go ahead.

Hi, what's your name, sir?

David.

Hey, David.

What do you do?

Oh, I work at P.F. Chang's.

I'm a waiter. Yeah thought so uh okay and i thought so hey man you're killing stick to this member of the audience stick to it what do you mean what do you mean you thought so uh yeah i'm not sure it looks you look.
I've been to P.M. before.

What's your favorite meal there?

I just like the Kung Pao chicken.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course you do, yeah.

Okay.

Go to Andy now, go to Andrew.

Let's go to someone else. The Tinder one.
What's your name? Where are you from? I'm from Los Angeles, California. Oh, wow.
So you guys, how are you doing through this pandemic? I'm good. We're just making it through, man man how are you i'm i'm great i'm here trapping my one bedroom house uh you're we're at a comedy we're at a fucking comedy club oh yeah i'm in this amazing comedy club just performing to this amazing public.

So ask me what I do for a living.

What do you do for a living?

Oh, I'm a mechanic.

I actually fix cars.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Do you speak Spanish?

Si.

Oh, yeah.

So mi coche tiene un problema.

Oh, well, do you want me to help you fix it? Absolutely. Okay.
You know, like, do you know how to change a tire? I do. Do you know how to change a tire? I do.
Great. Okay.
This comic. Does the P.F.
Chang's guy, does you know how to change a tire, P.F. Chang's? The P.F.
Chang guy left the club already. Oh, he left.
He walked the crowd. He didn't pay his bill.
You walked everybody but me. He walked the room.
Yeah, you walked the room. But I like it.
Again? Andres, you did a great job. Great job, man.
That was your first crowd work. That was a very good job.
Thank you. You remember the rules of crowd work.
The best rules of crowd work. Okay? Be as mean as you possibly can.
Alienate the audience. Be rude, be stupid, and be monotonous.
Make no sense and don't align anything up with whatever they're saying. Okay.
Okay. Where are you going? What happened? Oh, he's spraying.
He's spraying. He's getting some disinfectant.
Andreas, thank you so much. We appreciate you.
We love you. Stay safe during the pandemic.
Okay, bud? Yeah, you too, guys. Thank you.
Bye, buddy. We love you, man.
Bye, dude. Bye, dude.
He's awesome. Wow.
He should never do it. You know what? Can I say this, though? Yeah.
He's better than George. Yeah.
What do you mean? Yeah. George does stand-up.
You know that, right? No, he doesn't. You know he does stand-up, right? He doesn't do stand-up.
Yes, he does. He had an open mic he did every week for years.
He's opened for me before at the Irvine Improv. Wait, seriously? Yeah, and let me say something right now.
How much time can he do? He did – okay, so this is what happened. So I go, all right, you can do 10 minutes.
Does he really do stand-up? So he goes to the Irvine Improv, and my friend Gilbert was there. We taped it.
He bombed so bad that two minutes in, I started screaming. I was panicking.
Like, we're going to light him! He's ruining it! He was that bad. Do you remember any of his jokes? No.
He did a joke about a futon. What? That he has one? Yeah, he was like, about my futon.
I didn't even understand the joke. He was just like, he was fucking terrible.
And he did it for years and years. Does he still do stand-up? Yeah.
He does? Yeah. Where? Just open mics around town.
No way. Yeah.
You didn't know that? No. Oh, yeah.
I mean, I thought he had dabbled in comedy before. No, he does open mics.
Does he really do mics? Ask him. Now that we're separated from everybody, we need to call everybody we know on our phone.
Yes, sir. George, do you do stand-up? Let's see.
I hosted an open... for probably a year.
Every week. Okay, so Andreas just murdered with crowd work, by the way.
Yeah. Murdered.
Murdered. He lit the room on fire.
Bobby said you could be willing to give us one of your best jokes right now. Okay.
Let's hear it. All right.
One of my best jokes.

You know, I grew up religious, and, you know, when Jesus Christ is your co-pilot,

the funny thing is he never lets you set the rest of pussy town.

What?

What did he say?

I can't.

You broke up.

Did he break up?

Do the joke again.

Slow it down.

I couldn't hear it. You must have broken up in the middle of it.
It's a great one, so I'll do it again. Okay.
You know, I grew up religious. And when Jesus Christ is your co-pilot, somehow he never lets you set the GPS to Pussy Town.
It's okay. George, George.
Where? What? Where do you think Pussy Town is? Between a lady's legs? This is pretty rough. This better not be live.
Are you guys doing this live? No. No, no, no.
No. Let me know.
Anyway, great. Good to see you, man.
We love you, man. Thank you.
I'll talk to you later. We'll talk to you later.
Bye. Bye, George.
At the end, he goes, no, no, no, no. Yeah.

But I told you he does it.

I didn't know he did stand-up.

Oh, yeah.

I think that's crazy. You know, it's so funny because it's like, you know, for some reason everyone around me,

so I started Tiger Belly and all of a sudden George starts doing it.

Gilbert does it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because I do like-

What if Kalilah started doing stand-up?

She did do it.

No, but I mean like really got into it.

She did it 12 times. What? Yeah.
Kalilah did it 12 times. She opened for you? No, she never did.
She did open mics around town. I think the last gig she did was at Flappers.
Did you see that video they put up? Of what? About Flappers closing down? Forever? They put up a video online about it. Forever? I don't know if it's forever, but they put up a video that they're going to close.
They can't stay open. Can I say something about that club? Sure.
You like that club? I've never done it. So the lady calls me.
The woman that owns it? Yeah. And she's probably a nice lady, but she calls me and she goes, hey, I was just letting you know I'm opening up a club in Burbank.
It's called Flappers. I go, great, man.
I'd love to do it. So call my agents and just tell me what weekend I can do.
Oh, no. No, I'm sorry.
I'm having like elevated headliners like Jimmy Dore and stuff. So I was just calling to see if you could do maybe a Tuesday or something.
what yeah and i go oh bye bye wait she she offered you to come do the club but not to headline yeah like then i guess a year later she calls me back yeah she goes oh i'm sorry for that call i just you're at different place i didn't know what place you were in now but know that then and now can you do a weekend i go no but

then know that you don't call me your job is to know that if you're a comedy i love jimmy door he's a great comic yeah yeah yeah i love him but i'm just saying that you know he's a headliner too but to know that you are i am as well yeah they should know that you are you own a comedy club to go oh i didn't know what position you were whenever something like like like a ha ha Cafe on Lancashire.

Mm hmm.

I would do it more.

But one day I was sitting there and I go, can I get a Diet Coke or whatever? And I was doing the show. And then they charged me for the Diet Coke.
Shut up. Yeah.
And I'm like, oh, this is that kind of club. I can't play here.
What year was this? Like six years ago. They charge you for a diet fucking Coke? By the way, that club's closed down.
Ha-ha, is it forever? I mean, I've driven by it. It's boarded up.
Oh, really? Yeah. And so Flappers is gone forever? I don't know.
It might close. They said it might close.
So many businesses are closing. You know, that's sad to hear.
Yeah, man. It's a great club for people.
No, I'm not. It really is.
I was just reporting what I heard. I've never played the club.
The only time I've ever even stepped foot in there is my very first JFL showcase was there. Oh, really? I think so.
I played it before. It's a nice room.
If the comedy store closed permanently, would you be sad? Are you fucking kidding me? But what would you do? I've always thought that. fuck would we do i'd move to new york you really would if all the clubs here closed if it was like because if the comedy store closes the fucking improv is gone okay right and if the improv and the comedy store are gone and and the factory is not there either it's like what am i doing here i don't know but there would but obviously shows would pop up pop up it would pop up no I wouldn't move to New York I'm being fucking yeah you bought a house I'm verbalizing yeah but no no but I would but but but honestly it's what's happening right now not being able to go to the store has been oh my god I know I fucking hate every the night sucks my nights suck I know I know I know they're dark days man dark nights but you know? What makes me get through it is that we're all going through it together.
Yeah, no. Yeah.
And it's like we just as a society, let's be real. Let's just be real for once.
Let's be honest and real. Jules, stop joking around.
Stop fucking around, Jules. Stop fucking around, Jay.
All right? Listen, everyone. We're all going through this.
We all, like, number one, I wake up and I go,

what the fuck is going on?

This is insane.

This is my first Pandy.

I don't know what the fuck.

Pandy won.

Pandy won, man.

And so we're all in this together.

Yeah.

We all have hardships, some more than others.

And, you know, God bless the people that are helping out in the medical field in the nurses and the doctors do you know what I did the other day what did you do the other day can I brag yeah go ahead no because if you yeah go ahead I'm gonna brag I'm gonna brag I'm gonna brag brag a little bit you deserve to brag a little bit no because Whitney and Josh Wolf were organizing buying ER nurses and doctors meals yeah and I was like I'll buy them meals so I bought. Yeah, I'm doing that.
I just talked to Whitney this morning. It's great.
I'm doing that next week. It felt really good.
Can I brag too? Yeah, but you didn't do it yet. Yeah.
We'll see if you do it. You want to know what I've done? I've done things you don't even know, I'm capable of knowing that I've done.
When a comedy festival asks for you to submit people, do you submit them? Bro, I've set up showcases for my agents for people. Name one comic that you— Theo Vaughn and Eric Griffin.
I'm the one that got signed them to CAA. Fucking—what's his name? The black guy from— Trevor Noah.
I saw Trevor Noah in South Africa 10 years ago.

And you said you got to bring him over here.

No.

When I did a show with Trevor Noah, I called CAA and Matt Blake and I go, you got to see this fucking guy.

And what did they say?

And Matt goes, I'm not going to go to South Africa.

I go, you know what, Matt?

Trevor's coming to America to do a show in Vegas opening for somebody, right?

I've sent Matt over there to sign him Yeah Alright So fuck you So Trevor Noah's because of you Trevor Noah's because of you I helped Or did it hurt? I do want to say something Very important Because we did get real for a hot second I're you are you I cut you off but yes thank you to the health workers we are going through it at different levels everyone's having a tough time but let's let's loop something around we never do this you said something earlier that I think is very cool I want to take you take you with you no matter what level you're at so whether you're in bad times or good times it's going to be exacerbated of who you really are. You take you with you.
That's the name of this episode. And that's important to remember.
I'm being serious. Yeah.
And we have to do everything we can. I know it's difficult, but to get out of ourselves and to help where we can.
Helping other people is what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do it more and more online during this whole thing because this whole thing sucks.

It sucks so fucking bad. It sucks so much.

I'm glad that we got to meet up in the studio.

It sucks so fucking bad because we don't know what's going to happen.

I think that's what it is.

There's a lot of questions.

No one can tell us.

They say a month.

No way.

No fucking way. I think July will be back up and running august what really yeah wow i think august and that's that's when we start slowly coming out wow yeah so that really like scares me a little bit, we're in for the long haul.
You know, I was talking to Whitney before, and it feels like this is, we're entering a new age. Yeah.
You know, people will, I think this will be, you know what I mean, a real, a time, like a time, I mean, the history books, a shift in how people act and how people behave. When it's all over.
Yeah. This is going to be a definite shift.
Yeah. You know, they'll call it before coronavirus, after coronavirus.
You know what I mean? Wow. Yeah.
BCV. Yeah.
I do think so because here's the thing. It's like it's even – I think it was in Singapore, Hong Kong, where they loosened restrictions and it's come back.
So even when we do come out in August, if we do come out in August, this thing can rear its ugly head. But also it could change.
It could become airborne because viruses – It is airborne. I know.
Viruses need to survive. It might change into something even harsher.
We don't know. And this is also a tale of other diseases and viruses that can manifest themselves.
So we have to now become very, very aware of this. This is a different shift and we're different shift, you know, and we're witnessing it.
We're living through it. And that's why we're scared because we don't know.
Yeah. Well, we got to be safe, right? Like I want everyone to be safe.
We're doing our best. Look, Bob and I are wearing gloves and masks.
We're doing the podcast. Limited.
There's no one in the room but us and Jules who we keep quarantined, right? Yep. In her little cage.
And you feed her.

You put little peanuts through the cage.

Little peanut peanuts.

Filipino peanuts.

Yeah.

Filipino peanuts.

Yeah.

Okay.

Look at the camera, babe.