Yellow Cave of Wonders

Speaker 2 At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments, it's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Speaker 2 Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

Speaker 2 From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows. Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you.

Speaker 2 Black Friday deals are going on all month long. Save up to 45% off site-wide, plus an additional 10% off every order right now at blinds.com.

Speaker 1 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 do you want to see some bad friends? Click on the link below. Click on the link below to subscribe to the bad friends clips page so you can watch the condensed clips page of me and Bob.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey.

Speaker 1 You fuck.

Speaker 1 You think that my head is big?

Speaker 3 You think my head is fucking big? Bobby.

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen your head?

Speaker 3 Have you ever seen your head?

Speaker 1 It's proportioned to my body weight.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and your body is gigantic.

Speaker 1 I'm just happy that you're watching the show. That just shows that you really watched the episode.
No, no, no, no, listen, listen.

Speaker 1 I have to because people keep sending me the links. They keep sending me the clips.
Look at this, Griffin. Why? Because

Speaker 1 I didn't talk any shit about you, Griff.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, so

Speaker 1 about the vitamins. I think mac and cheese is vitamins.
That was real.

Speaker 1 My mom's friends. You're so dumb.
Dude, I'm dumb. Yeah, yeah.
I'm dumb.

Speaker 3 You're a lipless fuck.

Speaker 1 I'm a lipless fuck? Yeah, yeah. Shave your fuck.
Look at how tiny your little bullshit lips are. You little fucking ramen lips.
Look at your little bullshit lips.

Speaker 1 God fucked you. God fucked you bad.

Speaker 3 He was making you was like, fuck the upper lip.

Speaker 1 Did you have sex this morning? Why? Because you're in a good mood. I feel great.
Yeah, you dumped a load somehow. Whether you jerked off to Fortnite or something, but you did something.
I don't know.

Speaker 3 Did you thicken your eyebrows?

Speaker 1 Did you thin your fucking eyebrows?

Speaker 1 Look at that. Look at that.
That looks like someone took a crop shear through those fucking things. Can you grow them out or is that as long as they get?

Speaker 1 You want to go toe-to-toe?

Speaker 1 You're not in front of you, man. Yes, you are, Lou Kank.
Yes, you are. You said, did I thicken my eyebrows?

Speaker 3 I came in here with a positivity, man.

Speaker 1 Positivity, bro. You attacked me twice in a row.
And is that positive?

Speaker 3 I would just... You're starting to fire.

Speaker 1 You don't have upper lip. Who doesn't have a fucking upper lip? You, you don't have a fucking upper lip.
Look at your lip.

Speaker 3 Sorry, Andreas.

Speaker 1 Hey, Andreas. Hey, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. How are you feeling today, dude? Are you feeling good?

Speaker 3 I feel great. You know why?

Speaker 1 Tell me, baby boy.

Speaker 3 Because I've been playing video games and it really makes me feel good. I've been playing Stardew Valley.

Speaker 1 Ooh, Stardew Valley.

Speaker 1 I know how much you love Stardew Valley.

Speaker 3 I love Stardew Valley so much. And I started with a new farm and it's just in sync right now, baby.
A lot of lost books. Too many lost books.

Speaker 3 I have the new...

Speaker 3 the ability to chop trees down and get hardwood. That's a nice asset.
And I also have the thing where you get to go to the crap pots and it doesn't have junk stuff in it.

Speaker 3 It has like lobsters and all the good stuff. So I have that ability.
And I have truffle oil going and

Speaker 3 duck mayonnaise and it's real good.

Speaker 1 Oh, this sounds so cool.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. It's great.
It's a great game because you're constantly,

Speaker 3 you have to think ahead through the seasons, you know, and go. Of course.
I need to get ancient fruit going.

Speaker 1 Which is ironic because you don't do that in your real life at all.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? You don't think ahead about stuff in your real life?

Speaker 3 My whole life is thought ahead. Is it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, bro. Where do you think?

Speaker 3 Do you even know where I'm at in life?

Speaker 1 Do you know where you're at in life?

Speaker 3 I'm doing fucking good with no education. I know.

Speaker 1 You fell face first into luck.

Speaker 1 You fell face first into luck. You're basically Kramer.
You're Kramer. Fuck you.
You're Kramer to me.

Speaker 3 All right, I look in the mirror, dude.

Speaker 1 You're Kramer. Oh, you see me.
You fell face first into luck. You shouldn't.
This should be.

Speaker 3 You know who you are?

Speaker 1 Timothy McVeigh. Love.

Speaker 1 You do love? Personal hero.

Speaker 1 Personal hero. Murderer.
Yeah, so keep running your fucking mouth and see what happens. All right.

Speaker 3 You bet the kind of person you are in your heart. You went, you had a a nice

Speaker 3 Italian, Irish, Chicago family that steered you this way, but your heart could have gone either way.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, my heart.

Speaker 3 If you were molested two or more, three or more times, you would have been McVay, bro.

Speaker 1 I don't remember the first couple of times. Yeah.
It didn't happen as far as I'm concerned. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Watching the motherfucker.

Speaker 3 Because you were an ugly kid. That's why.
So were you. No, I was molested so much.

Speaker 1 No way. I was a free-for-all.
You were ugly when I met you. I was a free-for-all as a kid.
How many times did you get molested for real?

Speaker 3 12 times.

Speaker 1 No way. yeah what do you mean no way fuck you i was prove it i'll show you the scars you son of a bitch you only got molested twice no 12 times probably

Speaker 3 12 15 yeah 12 times 12 to 15.

Speaker 1 so why i was a cute kid that's not why they molested you why do you think it was you were easy to manipulate

Speaker 1 they could trick you so easily into getting molested yeah yeah

Speaker 1 you were just simple you're a simple man you've been eating a lot huh

Speaker 1 Your face?

Speaker 3 Actually, your face has gotten a little chunkier. I like it.

Speaker 3 I do. I do.
I like your face.

Speaker 1 Are you being serious? No, honestly, because... Do you really think I look a little bit chunkier?

Speaker 3 A little chunkier? I like it that way. That's cuter.
Wait, really?

Speaker 1 Do I seriously? Yeah, you really do.

Speaker 3 Your face.

Speaker 1 I fucking shaved.

Speaker 1 I should look a little bit. No, no, no.

Speaker 3 When I saw your face earlier, I go, what the fuck is going on with this face? Maybe it's the corona scare or whatever.

Speaker 1 I've been eating a lot. Yeah, I've been eating so much.

Speaker 3 It's really

Speaker 3 nice.

Speaker 1 It's filling out?

Speaker 3 It's filling out. Yeah.
Because before you're doing this Hollywood, like, I'm going to make it kind of a vibe. And now

Speaker 3 your face has given up. It's cool.

Speaker 1 Because I'm hungry all the time. I'm sitting around the house all the time.

Speaker 3 Hey, fuck you, man.

Speaker 1 You've gained some weight.

Speaker 3 You know what I've been doing? And ask fucking Kalila. Every night, one hour of Peloton, and I busted out the weights, bro.

Speaker 1 Are you seriously lifting weights?

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah. And, you know, by the end of this fucking thing, I'm going to look like fucking...

Speaker 3 Same.

Speaker 1 You're going to look the exact same.

Speaker 3 No, fuck you. You're going to look the same.
I'm going to look like Jet Lee's thicker jet.

Speaker 1 Jumbo Jet Lee?

Speaker 3 You're going to be Jumbo Jet Lee's.

Speaker 1 How about let's make a monetary bet that you're not going to.

Speaker 1 Let's make a monetary bet that

Speaker 1 you're not going to change. You're going to be the same weight.

Speaker 1 I'll give you a pound and a half.

Speaker 3 You know, it's rude that you say, I love it. No, keep talking that way because I love challenges.
I love naysayers and I love negative people. Well, here's the thing.

Speaker 1 Nay, nay. I say nay.
Here's the thing.

Speaker 3 I came in here. I honestly think that you, you've changed a little bit through this, through this

Speaker 1 through us doing the show together?

Speaker 3 No, since the show, you've now, and since this quarantine and since the coronavirus,

Speaker 3 that you've become

Speaker 3 a little paranoid. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, probably.

Speaker 1 You know, it could do, it could have something to do with the over 20,000 people that have died.

Speaker 1 It could have something to do with the fact that it's affecting people of all ages around the entire world. It's an international pandemic.

Speaker 1 Could be due with the fact that people are losing their jobs.

Speaker 1 Could be due to the fact that the shelves are being emptied out of grocery stores. It could be due to the fact that people are fighting over toilet paper.

Speaker 1 It could be due to the fact that why the fuck aren't you panicking?

Speaker 3 Of course I'm freaking out. I'm doing my due diligence.

Speaker 1 What is your due diligence, Bob?

Speaker 3 I haven't left the fucking house except for this thing. For here, yeah.
Right.

Speaker 3 Number two, I wasn't even going to come.

Speaker 1 Same?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we didn't want to do it. We didn't want to do it.
But we're 5.75 feet away, I measured. Okay, yes.

Speaker 3 And number three, I I have to make an apology, by the way.

Speaker 3 A couple of months ago, not a month ago, maybe three weeks ago, two weeks ago, I don't know what day it is,

Speaker 3 I was on my brother's vlog, and I said that Wei Lee, the fucking

Speaker 3 fighter, the

Speaker 3 straw weight champion of the UFC, I called her coronavirus.

Speaker 1 You called the fighter coronavirus? Yes. Yikes.

Speaker 3 Fuck you, because it was before Trump said calling it a Chinese virus and all that kind of stuff. Before it was a thing.

Speaker 1 So why did you call the fighter a coronavirus?

Speaker 3 Because I thought it was funny.

Speaker 3 At the time, I thought it was funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then I go,

Speaker 3 so I want to apologize to Wei Li and I want to, and I want to apologize to,

Speaker 3 you know, all the Ching Chongs out there

Speaker 3 that might be offended. Here's the thing, though.
I'm Ching Chong too. Number two.
You are. You Americans, like there was this

Speaker 3 Asian kid that was in a Walmart or whatever, and he coughed.

Speaker 3 And a bunch of white people started, you you know screaming at him going you know I mean you Chinese you know you got started you know start

Speaker 1 I want to say this first of all why is an Asian kid in Walmart

Speaker 3 well you think she should be at Costco what do you mean mm-hmm why

Speaker 1 cheap no Walmart is ours that's all that's for whites

Speaker 3 you can only claim that if you if only cha if Chinese things are being made and sold at fucking Walmart everything is Chinese things well then there's a Chinese thing Chinese thing Chinese thing Chinese thing Chinese thing can I say this yeah if your liver was made in China you'd be Chinese my liver is mine it's still Chinese though you would be Chinese you're that's like the stuff that's inside the Walmart if it's Chinese it's Chinese so if it's in Chinese then then I'm Chinese because I buy it and purchase it can I just say something man so you got on a blog no no I want to say about the Walmart like so

Speaker 3 I'm going to claim this. I've been in an American longer than you have.

Speaker 3 I've been an American longer than you have when did you get your citizenship i was born here so i'm older but don't they make you apply still

Speaker 3 no there we go right and so um yeah

Speaker 3 the racism out there when it comes to this this fucking virus it is real it's real yeah and it's and it's gross and um

Speaker 3 you know i don't know anything just i don't know anything about asia

Speaker 3 I don't wake, no, just hear me out. I don't wake up and, you know, it's like when I wake up, I don't think to myself, I'm Asian.

Speaker 1 Well, no.

Speaker 1 I'm Korean.

Speaker 3 You know,

Speaker 3 it doesn't even enter my thoughts.

Speaker 1 It doesn't even strike your mind.

Speaker 3 When I wake up, I go, oh,

Speaker 1 I'm hungo.

Speaker 3 You're hungo. Right.
Or, you know what I mean? Hungy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Baby, hungie.

Speaker 3 My left foot itches because I have a foot thing, you know? Or like I have other issues.

Speaker 1 But when you leave the house.

Speaker 3 I never think about it.

Speaker 1 So do you never get in a situation where somebody makes you feel like, oh, I'm Asian?

Speaker 3 that's only when yeah that's when i i go out into the world and um people say shit like you know hey

Speaker 3 you know when if an old white man goes hey i

Speaker 1 i'll be at starbucks i fought in the korean war yeah yeah yeah we talked about that yeah and that makes you then you go and then you got old why would you oh yeah i'm asian right but that's the only time so i don't feel asian i feel an am like an american but you have no connectivity do you but you have connectivity to your asian heritage don't you like in what way i meditate but so do you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but do you, but do you have,

Speaker 1 like, do you have anything family tradition-wise that's Korean that you take?

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, I bind my feet, I walk on people's back, and I do the gong, and I have also stars and the ninja outfit.

Speaker 1 What the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 I didn't say any of that shit. I mean, what the fuck are you talking about? Family traditions.

Speaker 1 Do you eat food that your mother cooked for you? That was China.

Speaker 3 I go to Pana Express. Is that then?

Speaker 1 Okay, you're doing this, not me. Yeah, yeah.
I go to Pana Express.

Speaker 3 I go to PF Chang.

Speaker 1 Is that what it is? Both of those places are Chinese, so I don't know what you're talking about. No.

Speaker 1 So you have no, there's no traditional things. There's no...

Speaker 3 I do things that are like,

Speaker 3 I guess, physically Korean. Like, you know, older Korean men walk around the malls with their hands behind their back.
I love that. I do that now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's okay. So you do some Korean stuff.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but that's not, it's not a cultural thing. I think it's just a...

Speaker 1 It's definitely a cultural thing. That's literally what it is.
You just said it. Old Korean men do it.
Yeah. For no other reason than it's cultural.

Speaker 1 That's what they do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So that's your connective tissue to your Korean heritage. You smoke, and you squat when you smoke, and you yell at cars.
Yeah, yeah. I've seen he outside of the studio.
Yeah. Slug out.

Speaker 3 Well, you do Italian things.

Speaker 3 You're so expressive with your hands.

Speaker 1 I do more Irish stuff than Italian stuff.

Speaker 3 Ganocchi, nochi. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Ganocci, ganocci.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You do stuff.

Speaker 1 Look, it's been a panic moment, but the one thing that's saved us

Speaker 1 has been friends texting friends funny stuff. I've gotten so much funny shit.
I want to bring up, you know, this man.

Speaker 1 You and I talked about this man, Bob. I love this man.
We talked about this guy, and we said he was probably one of our favorite,

Speaker 1 it was my favorite meme to get. It was my favorite little like

Speaker 1 thing to get, I should say. Because look at this.
This is a collection of photos. We might have to blur this.
Do you think we have to blur this?

Speaker 3 You didn't blur before?

Speaker 1 Well, people. It's this gentleman.
So, why the tits? Well, so this is a modification of the original photo.

Speaker 1 The original photo, he has a big black penis. Yeah, yeah.
Many people recognize this man.

Speaker 1 This is him with the Crying Jordan meme, which I think is just awesome. Really funny.
Very funny.

Speaker 1 The original picture is his face with this. His name is Meat.
He passed away. Dude, rest in peace.
You know, he passed away.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 3 Honestly, when you told me that the other day, because I remember I called you and I said,

Speaker 3 we should do research about this because this guy I mean, is should be happy about his new scoured the internet.

Speaker 1 You can find nothing. I swear to God.

Speaker 3 We don't know his real name.

Speaker 1 A PR person reached out to the porno company that owns the rights of this photo. It's an old porn star.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 they will not release his legal name because they say it's not their responsibility. The family might not want that out.
So they just meet is meat is his formal porn name. But he's so talented.

Speaker 1 So talented. I mean, here's another.
This one's great.

Speaker 1 This one is great. You know what I mean? That's really good.

Speaker 1 There's There's some really good ones going around. This is a phenomenal video.
I don't know if you've seen this. A couple of things we want to get there.

Speaker 1 And I don't think anybody actually has a choice. It's a gold package.
It's a big package.

Speaker 1 It's a great one.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, so many, I mean, I've gotten non-stop from so many friends. A little bit of Bob Ross love he's gotten there.
That's great. This one's phenomenal.
The old workers on the beam. Yeah.

Speaker 3 He's kind of like, you know what he's like? He's kind of like

Speaker 3 Van Gogh. Yeah.
Because Van Gogh did all his work without people really knowing about him. It's only when he died when people started appreciating his work.
That's true.

Speaker 3 So it's got a Van Gogh kind of a vibe to it.

Speaker 1 He's got a very mysterious way about him that I think is

Speaker 1 why he's... It's so like, we've seen big black dicks before.
You and I have seen a lot of them. But this one, there's something special about this guy.

Speaker 3 It's well, it's very special because

Speaker 1 the head, right?

Speaker 3 Sometimes when you see a dick, right, the head is bigger than the shaft aspect of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right. Yeah, they call it, it's called Shruman, your Shruman.

Speaker 3 But your head is as much like mine, although mine is

Speaker 3 the size of one of the veins on his dick.

Speaker 1 It's one of the broken veins.

Speaker 3 Yeah, one of the broken veins is the size of my dick.

Speaker 1 But his,

Speaker 1 what's interesting is he's got the sleeve still on, right? He's still got the sleeve. He's not circumcised.
And the sleeve still encompasses such a large mass. Yeah.
You can't even tell.

Speaker 1 Because sometimes they look, the sleeves, people who have sleeves at home, it looks like, you know, anteaters. They kind of look.

Speaker 1 Remember Wren from Ren and Stimpy?

Speaker 1 Remember that?

Speaker 1 Ren from Ren and Stimpy, sometimes he looks like...

Speaker 1 Like Ren and Stimpy has, he has a mouth that looks like the sleeve of a penis or a or a bad vagina. Yeah.
Look at like this. Look at his mouth right like this.
Look at that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 it looks like a weird vagina or a sleep like oh this is the image that's the one that's what you were looking for yeah yeah that kind of looks like this it looks like a it looks like an anater penis or the or a bad lippy vagina yeah it's also like when you when you're i guess having anal sex with another man i'm i'm not i'm not i've only done it twice upon i'll i'll fill you in go ahead yeah yeah

Speaker 3 you probably the worry is you're gonna rip you're gonna rip you know what i mean the actual muscle around the anal you know the the the muscle the anal muscle right you're gonna tear the but with meat it's like he might puncture your stomach.

Speaker 3 A lung.

Speaker 1 You might get all the way up to your throat. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I honestly think that he's probably punctured many men's.

Speaker 1 Well, they don't know how he died. There's a lot of speculation on the internet of what killed him.
Hiv.

Speaker 1 Maybe. I would like to think that he died because all that blood was going to his cock, not his heart.

Speaker 1 Couldn't go back. I don't think it could go back.
Yeah. But

Speaker 1 I think getting that meme has been a golden nugget of my day. Because yeah, you're right.
I have been panicking. I came in.
I was panicking. We I put up some new some new do you like the fish paper?

Speaker 1 I love it. New fish paper.
And the whole time I was freaking out.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I just want to talk about

Speaker 3 the days.

Speaker 1 Day to day.

Speaker 3 I want to talk about day to day. I honestly,

Speaker 3 and

Speaker 3 before we started this podcast, I was like, I don't even know what to talk about because it's like, I'm a fucking zombie, man. I know.
You wake up, you don't know what day it is.

Speaker 3 You don't, you know, it doesn't matter when you wake up. You don't care.

Speaker 1 I don't don't care. I haven't cared.
It's really strange.

Speaker 3 This morning I woke up at 9 a.m., but yesterday I woke up at 3 p.m.

Speaker 1 You slept till 3 p.m.? Yeah. But you didn't go to bed till what time?

Speaker 3 To 7, 8 a.m.

Speaker 3 Right. Because I was watching that tiger fucking documentary.

Speaker 1 Oh, so good. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 I love that tiger documentary.

Speaker 1 I'm Joe Exotic.

Speaker 3 Oh, no, I was watching a National Aid Geographic Tiger documentary.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I mean, you're Joe Exotic?

Speaker 1 I am Joe Exotic.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 I want to be that other guy, Maguan or or whatever, the guy with the Boguan.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you want to? Well, his real name is Doc Antiel. Is that really? Doc Antiel.
Doc Antiel. You want to be Doc Antiel.

Speaker 3 And the reason being is because, well, first of all, I'm not gay.

Speaker 1 Same. Not, I mean,

Speaker 1 yeah.

Speaker 1 Who knows? This is who Bob wants to be. Yeah.
Doc Antiel.

Speaker 3 I don't want to be any of these people, but by the way, I don't want to be any. But if I had to choose.

Speaker 1 Because he had a harem of women.

Speaker 3 He had a harem. Yeah, he's also,

Speaker 3 I feel like he took

Speaker 3 like

Speaker 1 he took you know

Speaker 3 number one. I want to talk about

Speaker 1 how

Speaker 3 you can manipulate women with fucking tigers tigers. Yeah, because you know white trash they go hey, honey, you know what I mean? I want to take, I've always wanted to take a photo with a fucking cub.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then when the cub gets to a certain age, you know what I mean? It's no longer like...

Speaker 1 It's like Hollywood. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's pretty much. But there's a female girl, like girls in Hollywood.
it's like Vegas at 21, it's over, yeah.

Speaker 1 Vegas, you know, the pool girls at Vegas, oh, yeah, my buddy lived in Vegas, used to say that all the time.

Speaker 1 One of his friends was a pool girl, and she's like, At 18, you're a fucking commodity, yeah, by 22, 23, so funny though, you're burnt.

Speaker 3 There was a you know that hotel, the standard at the one in Hollywood, yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, and they used to have those, um, they used to have this like gigantic, like window display where models oh, would sleep, she would like, yeah, yeah, I remember right, but I knew a girl that was an actress, but she, that's one of the gigs that she has.

Speaker 1 Did she get paid good money?

Speaker 3 I don't, I never asked her that, but at one time I wrote something, so she was laying there, right? Right. And against the window, I go, you're never gonna make it.

Speaker 3 And I remember her reading it and just being so angry.

Speaker 3 You're never gonna make it.

Speaker 1 People, you have to imagine I'm in the front desk, like I'm at the hotel. This is what it looks like.
Yeah. Right behind my head is a woman

Speaker 1 in a cage, in a literal glass cage. And I'm taking your, yeah, hi, well,

Speaker 1 what room number? And this woman is sitting, they're reading a book, or they're on their laptop or they're on their phone. Yeah.
And she gets paid to just be in a case.

Speaker 3 Nine hours.

Speaker 1 Feminism, baby.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 It's so sad to see, like,

Speaker 3 in LA, to see actresses.

Speaker 1 On the internet trying to be funny and stuff right now.

Speaker 3 But not only that, just I just remember a time where you would see girls at, you know, the store, you'd meet them. And then three, four years later, it's just like.

Speaker 1 They they work at the store now?

Speaker 3 No, they would, they had to get addicted. That this one girl that she was like, I'm an actress, this and that.

Speaker 3 And four years, she got hooked on drugs, she came back, she looked like a homeless bag lady.

Speaker 1 Jesus,

Speaker 1 and she was actually successful as an actress at one time.

Speaker 3 No, she never made it. Oh, okay.
Yeah, but you see a lot of that, man.

Speaker 1 Well, dude, I would say you see a lot more people that get a little bit of the thing, and then they piss away their money, get into drugs, and then you see them years later, and you're like, oh, my God, how did you fall so hard?

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. I have a, this is the craziest thing.
So when I auditioned for Mad TV, this is real. I can't tell, because this girl came back.

Speaker 1 Just don't say her name. I know, I'm not going to.
Okay.

Speaker 3 So I remember it was

Speaker 1 19.

Speaker 1 It was 48, 49? Fuck you.

Speaker 1 I don't know when that show was. 196, 196.

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 3 there was this girl.

Speaker 3 So when you're auditioning, obviously we have to tell people. When you're auditioning and then you get to the final audition, there was like six of us.

Speaker 1 It's called a test. A test.

Speaker 3 But the day before the test, there was like a producer session. And I was walking out of the producer session with this girl that I knew from the comedy store.

Speaker 3 She was a comic, but also a sketch person and an actress.

Speaker 1 I want to know so bad.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you later. Okay.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 at the time, we got paid $4,500

Speaker 1 a week. Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay.

Speaker 3 That was our deal.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 3 So if you get the show, you get $4,500. Guaranteed.
Yeah. And this girl was just like, nah, man.

Speaker 3 Nah, nah i need ten grand

Speaker 3 well as we're walking in the fucking parking lot and she's never done anything never done anything and i looked at her go no i you know me back then you know i was no i think i think you should

Speaker 3 i was really asian i was yeah whatever

Speaker 1 i i asked me

Speaker 1 i was like i think you should take it yeah you know it's 4 500 yeah a week yeah nah we should be getting 10 grand it's a tv show man

Speaker 3 right so she knew something right so she doesn't get. She bailed out.
She didn't test. Wow.

Speaker 3 And then 12 years later,

Speaker 3 I was at a restaurant.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 And I'm ordering a meal.

Speaker 3 And I look up and it's her. She's waiting.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 3 And instead of saying, oh my god, it's good to see you. She said, I should have taken it.

Speaker 1 No, it stuck with her. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 I should have taken it. All those years.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and I go, yeah. Can I have the BLT and a side Caesar salad and a Diet Coke, please?

Speaker 1 Yes, you should have. And our soups are gonna come out soon, right? Oh my god,

Speaker 1 how fucked. It's so sad, but that happens, dude, because she was too cocky, huh? She thought she was bigger than the thing.

Speaker 3 You know, sometimes, you know, people think they're bigger than the thing.

Speaker 1 Guess what? Guess what? The thing doesn't give a fuck about you. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who is that?

Speaker 3 Trenton, New Jersey.

Speaker 1 Answer it. Let's answer it.
Put it up to the mic.

Speaker 1 Hello.

Speaker 1 Poppy, come back to bed.

Speaker 1 Come back to bed. Me and all the boys want you to come lay down with us.

Speaker 1 We're only going to be 16 for a little while. I will call you right back.

Speaker 3 I'll call you after my poppy in a couple hours, okay?

Speaker 1 Come back to bed, Bob.

Speaker 1 That was the love boat?

Speaker 1 Is that who that was?

Speaker 1 Are you doing the love boat, the TV show, the love boat?

Speaker 3 You want to know what that is?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 It's an AA meeting that I go to.

Speaker 1 No, that's not fun. I thought that was a job.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 1 It's called the Love Boat?

Speaker 3 It's called The Lifeboat.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 3 And, you know, I have a disease called alcoholism, and I need to treat it by going to... No, shut the fuck up for a second.

Speaker 3 I need to treat it by going to meetings and getting contact with other members of AA. And if you ever mock me again, I'll rip your fucking eyes out.

Speaker 1 Shut up. Support me for once.
I thought that was a Hollywood job. I thought that was a Hollywood job.

Speaker 3 Why would I be on a show called Love Boat?

Speaker 1 There was a show called The Love Boat.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm not going to play that. What's that? Gopher or whatever his name is.

Speaker 1 So you're not known to do shows that went away and are coming back?

Speaker 1 Are you not known to do television shows that went away that came back?

Speaker 3 I did four fucking Mac in the eyes.

Speaker 1 And you did a game show that's just like another game show that already existed.

Speaker 1 Stop pretending.

Speaker 1 You do some revamped stuff. That's okay.

Speaker 3 Have you?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 3 Have you ever done revamped stuff?

Speaker 1 I've never done a show that existed once that they brought back. All right.

Speaker 1 I've done a lot of bad shows, just in general, but so have you.

Speaker 3 Mixology is great.

Speaker 1 Great work. Okay.
I have it on Blu-ray. Okay.
Great work. Okay.

Speaker 3 Wait, make fun of me now.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to. All right.
I respect all your work.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. No, I like it all.
I can't wait to see you in this Rob Gunkowski game show.

Speaker 3 By the way, people have been Googling AA.

Speaker 1 Shout out to Lifeboat, by the way, and

Speaker 1 shout out to people that are in AA and that need help. I'm a product of it.
I highly believe in it.

Speaker 3 Are you being real?

Speaker 1 You know, I'm a sick kid of addiction. What do you mean? You know that.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I really do believe in it. In fact,

Speaker 1 I think it's such a,

Speaker 1 you know, there's a lot of people that don't like rehab and that don't agree with meetings and they go their own way and all that bullshit. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I think it's such a great proven reinforcement that when people that I know that are addicts that don't choose to do it, it's a bummer. And there's nothing I can say to change their mind.
I know.

Speaker 1 Don't touch your face. Oh, yeah, fuck.
Fuck. Burn your face.
Put your face over that candle. Here, here, here, here.
Here, give me this price. Spray this on your face.
Well, let me do it.

Speaker 1 No other price.

Speaker 1 Follow her.

Speaker 1 It's natural, too.

Speaker 3 Chime, you know, when I was younger,

Speaker 3 I was terrible at banking. I was abused.

Speaker 3 Overdraft charges.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just didn't know how to handle my money. I didn't know how to manage it.
And also, no one was there to help. But Chime understands that every dollar counts.

Speaker 1 That's why when you set up direct deposit through QIIME, you get access to fee-free features like overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit, and much more, which definitely would have helped me when I was doing my PA jobs back in the day.

Speaker 3 Also, with qualifying direct deposits, you are eligible for free overdraft up to $200 or debit card purchases and cash withdrawal.

Speaker 1 You can learn more about it at chime.com/slash bad friends. To date, Chime has spotted members over $30 billion, right? You need a little bit of help.

Speaker 1 You need a little money quicker than normal because something pops up. It always does.

Speaker 1 You open up a check-in account with zero monthly fees and no maintenance fees, and you got access to over 47,000 fee-free ATMs. That's more than the top three national banks combined.

Speaker 1 All those ATMs are there for you to use, and don't get clipped. You got to try Chime.

Speaker 3 Work on your financial goals through Chime today. Open an account in two minutes at chime.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 1 That's chime.com slash bad friends. Chime.
Feel like progress.

Speaker 4 Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bank Core Bank NA or Stride Bank NA.
Members, FDIC.

Speaker 4 Spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission of payment file.
Fees apply at out of network ATMs, bank ranking, and number of ATMs, according to U.S.

Speaker 4 and World Report 2023. Chime checking account required.

Speaker 1 Hydro. I caught it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
I love it so very much. It's incredible.
And I'm rowing in the morning and it wakes me up and gets me juiced. Well, what is it?

Speaker 1 What is it? Hydro is your ultimate go-to for ultimate full-body workout.

Speaker 1 How ultimate is it? You may ask. It works 86% of your muscles, arms, legs, and core, twice as efficient as cycling or running.
Just 20 minutes, all it takes to feel the results. And this is true.

Speaker 1 I do it for 15 to 20 minutes in the morning, and I feel so good for the rest of the day. People have seen traditional old rowers.
The old ways are gone.

Speaker 1 Hydro's newest rower, the Hydro Arc, delivers such powerful results. GQ magazine named it the best rower of 2025, and I agree.

Speaker 3 You've convinced me I'm getting a hydro today.

Speaker 1 We should get you one.

Speaker 3 Head over to hydro.com and use code Bad Friends to save up to $600 off on a hydro rower during this holiday season.

Speaker 1 That's hydro h-y-d-r-o-w dot com. Code of course is bad friends to save up to $600.

Speaker 1 Hydro.com code is Bad Friends.

Speaker 5 Chronic spontaneous urticaria or chronic hives with no known cause. It's so unpredictable.
It's like playing pinball.

Speaker 5 Itchy red bumps start on my arm, then my back, sometimes my legs. Hives come out of nowhere.

Speaker 5 And it comes and goes. But I just found out about a treatment option at treatmyhives.com.
Take that, chronic hives. Learn more at treatmyhives.com.

Speaker 3 Yeah, here, I know.

Speaker 1 Wait, timeout. Let me ask you one thing.
I'm being serious.

Speaker 1 Do you think that this pandemic is causing addicts to slip up?

Speaker 3 No, because I,

Speaker 3 this morning I woke up. The reason why I woke up at nine is because I did a

Speaker 3 Zoom A meeting.

Speaker 3 And it works great.

Speaker 1 But I'm saying, do you think there's some people out there that this is really...

Speaker 1 Think about this. I'm just putting life in perspective.
There's a guy who makes an hourly wage. He works hard.
He's an alcoholic. He's struggling.
He's recovering. And he lost his job.

Speaker 1 Now he can't work.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 times are tough.

Speaker 3 No, because if I'm going to, I'm going to be...

Speaker 1 I would tell you personally. I'm telling you.
This would crack me.

Speaker 3 But I'm going to tell you you don't understand what it feels like to actually not being a dry drunk

Speaker 3 somebody that refuses to

Speaker 3 use spiritual elements because that's what 12-step groups are where there's a spiritual element right a higher power it's not even just that there is just a feeling that you have right and once that's in your bones and your blood right you're gonna you're gonna know that you know this is all meant to be.

Speaker 3 I'm at the right place, I'm in the right place, I'm gonna live in the moment, and you're gonna do all the necessary things to keep that condition alive inside you.

Speaker 1 Do you think, do you think getting clean made you a better comic?

Speaker 1 I don't

Speaker 1 know. Honestly, that was,

Speaker 3 you know, people have asked me that, and it's like, regardless if it did or didn't, my life is more important than doing stand-up.

Speaker 1 So, in a weird way,

Speaker 1 the addiction

Speaker 1 helped you really find your purpose in life?

Speaker 3 I know that I can't live,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 with drugs and alcohol in my system.

Speaker 3 I'm just not made up. You know, I unravel really quickly.
Yeah. And

Speaker 3 I just can see

Speaker 3 what I can do is I can look down the road. When I'm using drugs and alcohol, I can look down the road and see where this is going to lead me.
And that

Speaker 3 destination in my head is enough for me to go, I can stop now.

Speaker 1 Yeah. AA stuff was very real and good.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I really liked it. Because you're struggling to crack.
You call me on the phone.

Speaker 1 What do you mean?

Speaker 1 You sound like you're losing your mind over there with

Speaker 1 that broad that you live with.

Speaker 3 You talk to her, too.

Speaker 1 I do. I text her too.
I text her a lot because I want to make sure that everything is good. She has panic.
She didn't want us to come do the show. No.
You know why?

Speaker 3 you know a couple of people have called me and said, I don't know about that, George. And I go, I don't know where he's been.
What do you mean? Because he's in the farms, yeah.

Speaker 3 George, honestly, why are people calling me not to trust you?

Speaker 1 A lot of people are saying that they shouldn't. Who the heck's calling you?

Speaker 3 I don't want to name names that people put people on the fucking no, we're not gonna blow up people's spots.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 no, I want to know who. I know, but are you leaving the house for walks with who?

Speaker 1 Uh,

Speaker 1 my cousin's making it up.

Speaker 1 Making it up. Put a huge pause.
Yeah. You're making it up.

Speaker 3 What do you mean?

Speaker 3 You don't take this thing fucking seriously?

Speaker 1 Not even a little bit. Look at me.

Speaker 1 Have I ever worn one of these things before? That's for sure. That's for sure.
That's for sure. That's for sure.
We had people, I asked people to send us in what their food rations were.

Speaker 1 We got some good videos. This is Jeremy Roger.
He sent this in.

Speaker 6 Hey, Andrew, hey, Bobby, this is Jeremy from Syries, New York. Originally from Puerto Rico.
I'm just a spick living in New York. You know how it is.

Speaker 6 My pantry. I'm being real quiet because my roommates are out there.
This is my secret stash right here. I'm so vinegar chips, some fucking Twizzlers, combos, chips ahoy,

Speaker 6 some Cheez-Its.

Speaker 6 Yeah, this is my quarantine pantry right now. If I run out, then I'm going to have to go to the store and

Speaker 1 probably die.

Speaker 6 But we'll see how far this lasts is probably last

Speaker 6 15 minutes because I'm about to get real high right now.

Speaker 6 the peace, guys.

Speaker 1 Thank you, buddy. Shout out to Jeremy.
He that's his collection. This is Adam Bullock.
I said, send in what's in your fridge. What are you eating?

Speaker 7 Hey, Matt, friends. Today we got some pickle juice, you know, some wieners, no homo, a nice towel, some Korean cheese, oh, salt spice.

Speaker 1 Eggies,

Speaker 7 some soup, some human dog food, some human cat food, some maple syrup. I drink this straight.
We got some liquid eggs, we got a cap, and we got, you know, the badass butter.

Speaker 7 And then in the freezer, we got some cheese mozzarella steak.

Speaker 3 That's the way to do it.

Speaker 1 You know, my favorite part about this? Yeah. This motherfucker has a towel in his fridge.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 A towel.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 3 There's something in the towel. Look at it.

Speaker 1 I don't know. He just literally said it's an human hand.

Speaker 3 Listen to what he says, though.

Speaker 7 A nice towel.

Speaker 1 A nice towel? Yeah, that's fucking

Speaker 1 weird. I don't think so.
so.

Speaker 3 It's like saying, I have a fucking light bulb.

Speaker 1 I have a light bulb in here. I've got a couple of screws.
I have a tire iron. Here's Ruben Rocha's.
Yo, what's up, bad friends? I got

Speaker 1 old milk. Old milk.

Speaker 3 Some yogurts that are probably old.

Speaker 3 We got chips for days.

Speaker 1 So many chips.

Speaker 3 And a lot of salsas.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 that's all we've been doing. That's what's up.
That's what's up. I love your podcast.
We love you too, dog.

Speaker 3 We love you too, bro.

Speaker 1 Some people have some good rations. Look at how many, by the way, how Mexican is this, dude? Look at all this.
Look at that.

Speaker 1 But I have that. That's tajin.
I have that. That's tajin.
That's nine types of hot sauce right there. Yeah.
And then more hot sauce and Mexican sauce down there. Yeah, man.
I love it, dude.

Speaker 3 What do you have in your house?

Speaker 1 Just honestly,

Speaker 1 what have we been eating? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Talenti gelato ice cream every single day. No, really? Breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 I make Kalila order me Lou

Speaker 1 Magnati. Lou Melnati.
So we've done this. That's my favorite pizza from Chicago.

Speaker 3 So we're getting.

Speaker 3 I just ate seven in a row.

Speaker 3 Every meal I ate seven in a row.

Speaker 1 I love how at the beginning of this podcast we talked about losing weight.

Speaker 3 No, but I've been doing Peloton for an hour.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, that'll make up for it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and then I.

Speaker 1 Do you know one of those pizzas has like 6,000 calories?

Speaker 3 And the thing is, and then here's another thing that they offered. Another thing they offered is a 12-pack Chicago hot dogs.
Oh. I made her order that.

Speaker 3 And then we, last night, we got, I made her, made her order, you know, Portillo's bakery.

Speaker 1 What's it called? Porto's? Porto's.

Speaker 3 Porto's bakery. But they can send you stuff that's not, you can bake it at home.
Yeah. So we got 15 boxes of like chocolate chip cookies and

Speaker 3 meat pies and all these things. Look at this.
And I've been eating all that.

Speaker 1 Now, what deep dish did you have from Lumalnadis?

Speaker 3 I get the pack. I get the variety pack.
So I get two cheese, two sausage, and two,

Speaker 3 and two

Speaker 3 pepperonis.

Speaker 1 All right, so there's 670 there, 730 there.

Speaker 1 Wow, you're really kidding. So

Speaker 1 yeah. Wait a minute.
730 calories for what, though? For the whole thing. One slice.

Speaker 1 For the whole thing. One slice.

Speaker 1 The whole thing.

Speaker 3 One slice. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 3 It doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 700 calories and one slice. How many slices are you eating?

Speaker 3 I eat the whole fucking thing. I'm not kidding you.
I'll eat the whole fucking thing.

Speaker 1 Will you seriously? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll eat the whole fucking thing. You can eat like four deep dish slices of pizza.

Speaker 3 I cut them into six, but yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh my God.

Speaker 3 Not in one sitting,

Speaker 3 in like a 30-minute period.

Speaker 1 That's like

Speaker 1 5,000 calories. I know.

Speaker 3 But then I'll do an hour on the Peloton.

Speaker 1 I guess that makes up for it. Yeah.
How many calories do you think you burned on the Peloton?

Speaker 3 It only says 150.

Speaker 1 That's like one bite of cheese. I know.
That's like one bite of a corner of a piece.

Speaker 3 But I ride

Speaker 3 for an hour, and then at the bottom, it'll say, you only burned 150 calories. It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 1 Maybe it's because your output is not that high. It's not.

Speaker 1 Are you doing the class?

Speaker 3 I refuse, no.

Speaker 1 So you just ride on it? I do free ride. Okay, that's not good.

Speaker 3 But I'll watch like... You should do the class.
You know what I love doing? Is I'll take my fucking...

Speaker 3 You know, I love disaster movies. Yes.
Did you know that about that? Yes. I love Deep Impact.

Speaker 1 I love The Core. We all love that.
I love Volcano. Volcano.
Yeah, I love

Speaker 3 the other, Day After Tomorrow. I love the...

Speaker 3 So while I'll watch it, I'll talk about it. Did you like The Rock?

Speaker 1 That one that he did? Like the earthquake one?

Speaker 3 Who did The Rock?

Speaker 1 The Rock did one about an earthquake in Los Angeles.

Speaker 3 Oh, I like that one. That one was good.

Speaker 1 That was pretty good. Okay, good.
I like that. Yeah.
What do you put it on the screen and watch it?

Speaker 3 So I'll watch it, but then I'll look down after I'm done, like halfway during a movie, and it'll say 150 calories.

Speaker 1 So are you just, are you sit are you sitting down riding? Do you stand up and ride and do that thing or no?

Speaker 3 I never power ride.

Speaker 1 Why did you get a Peloton? Kalila did.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's for her.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Does she use it all the time? Yeah.

Speaker 3 But she does the classes and she'll do the weights.

Speaker 1 That's awesome.

Speaker 3 Let's go. Let's do it.

Speaker 1 Let's make it happen. Right? Do you watch her on it?

Speaker 3 And I'll just stare at her, watch it, and it's my turn.

Speaker 1 And then casual.

Speaker 3 But at least something, and I've been doing weights, so you're going to see my body transform.

Speaker 1 Honestly, I swear to God, I'll pay for a trainer. I will pay for a trainer to see you get jacked.
So you could be like Kumail Nanjiani and be like, I saw him, man. That's what motivated me.

Speaker 1 Jacked the fuck up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He got in unbelievable shape. Yeah.
I don't think he likes me that much. Why?

Speaker 3 Because one time

Speaker 3 I did that show, This Is Not Happening.

Speaker 1 On Comedy Central? Yeah. Yeah.
That's the one we talked about with Tom, yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And then he, after he was done, he got off stage, and I didn't know him at all, but he knew I was there to do it.

Speaker 1 I was after him.

Speaker 3 And I go,

Speaker 3 hey, man, that was great.

Speaker 3 And he didn't say anything to me.

Speaker 3 Really? Yeah. The same thing happened twice with Taylor Tomlinson.
You said, that's great. No, one time she was at the Laugh Factory and she got off stage.
I go, wow, you're really good.

Speaker 3 And she just looked at me and walked away. Shut up.
Yeah, she did that twice. And then when she become a, and then when she became a paid regular at the store,

Speaker 3 she started saying hi. But that's all I can get out of her.

Speaker 1 Maybe she's just not a social person. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I've never said hi to her. We don't know each other.

Speaker 3 I know, but she's so good.

Speaker 1 I've never, we don't know each other even.

Speaker 3 It doesn't matter. It's like when you see somebody that good, you know, she's good.

Speaker 1 I've never even seen her stand up. She's very good.

Speaker 3 She's a good writer, a very good performer, and she's, you know, beyond her years. So when I saw her at the Laugh Arctor once, I just said,

Speaker 3 you did a great job.

Speaker 1 And then nothing.

Speaker 1 Maybe she doesn't respect you as a comedian. That's what I said.

Speaker 3 Then I started asking that question around town.

Speaker 1 You thought maybe she doesn't respect you as a comedian?

Speaker 3 Yeah, so I went to people that knew her.

Speaker 1 They go, I don't think she respects me. I swear to God, I did this.

Speaker 3 I went to Derek and Assan. You know, they live together.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And because they knew her from San Diego, and I said, I don't think she likes me.
And they go, well,

Speaker 3 I don't know if this is true or not, but they said she's a little weary of. dudes from the comedy store.

Speaker 3 This is before she became a paid regular.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 3 I don't know why. Because I think that.

Speaker 1 Because we beat and rape and pillage in the basement of the comedy store.

Speaker 3 No, I think the comedy store comics. Imagine being somebody that's not a regular

Speaker 3 and then going there. I can only assume.

Speaker 1 We were all people that weren't regulars and then went there and became regulars.

Speaker 3 I know, but do you remember it being hard? It was impossible. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Big fucking deal. Everything is hard in stand-up.
Stand-up's a nightmare.

Speaker 1 I still didn't not respect regulars.

Speaker 3 I don't know know what the reason was.

Speaker 1 Maybe I think it's she doesn't like you. She probably doesn't.
God, I want to ask her so bad. Yeah,

Speaker 3 I can, there's a lot of people.

Speaker 1 I want to go up to her and be like, hey, I'm going to quit the podcast with Bobby because I fucking hate him. What do you think about him?

Speaker 3 But then a lot of it's in your head, right? Almost all of it is in your head. I know.
That's probably in my head. And then here's how I know it's in my head.
For years, I thought,

Speaker 3 what's this Indian guy's name?

Speaker 1 Kamal Nanjiani? No, the other one. Well,

Speaker 1 there's more than one. For me.
Aziz. Aziz

Speaker 3 Yeah, for years I would say out loud Aziz is Pakistani, right?

Speaker 1 Isn't he from Pakistani? Whatever. He's a human being.

Speaker 1 Is he? I don't know.

Speaker 3 For years I would say around town. I would literally say this.
That guy hates me.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just not knowing if he does or if he doesn't?

Speaker 3 Yeah, we just say it. Do you like him? I love him.
He's so talented.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, as a guy, do you know him as a guy? No, I didn't really know him. So how would you know that?

Speaker 3 Because I wouldn't think I remember, like, it was in social situations. I would say hi.
Yeah. And maybe he didn't see the high or whatever.

Speaker 1 Sure. I don't think these people

Speaker 3 but then here's what one day he came up to me goes um hey you're really funny man you know um I loved you on WTF I think he said and he was super sweet to me that's nice yeah and then in my head I was just like oh it was all in my head it is why is that because comedy comedy is based on people who are insecure already and so we're now more insecure

Speaker 1 it's everybody in comedy you're insecure littered Like, what are you insecure about? Everything. That's why I yell at you all the time.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Like, sometimes I I make fun of you and I know sensitive spots.

Speaker 1 So many.

Speaker 3 I know. I mean, everybody has them.
I know. And then you get really angry.
Of course.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Isn't that part of it all?

Speaker 3 What are my sensitive spots, do you think?

Speaker 3 I'm asking you, so it's okay to say.

Speaker 3 Ask me. I mean, tell me what you think I would be insecure about.

Speaker 1 Your weight, your height, your penis. No, you show that a lot.
Your weight, your height.

Speaker 3 No, those are the things.

Speaker 1 I'm being real. I'm telling you, you should be.
But I'm not.

Speaker 1 I'm not. No, what are you insecure about? I know.
The one thing that you're the most insecure about, no jokes, all jokes aside,

Speaker 1 is stand-up. Yep.
It's like the biggest, most insecure.

Speaker 3 It's like the biggest.

Speaker 3 I'm so insecure about it. No, I know, I know.

Speaker 1 But we don't talk about it, and we don't talk about the idea of,

Speaker 1 you know, fans constantly ask why you don't put out a special.

Speaker 1 People at the comic store talk about it.

Speaker 1 Comics that you're friends with go, they ask me.

Speaker 1 You know, Bob. Why doesn't Bob? I've had

Speaker 1 a thousand people a day.

Speaker 3 And the thing is for me is that I need somebody to ask me to do one.

Speaker 1 Yes and no. Yes.
You could also make a bigger move to one.

Speaker 3 No, I need somebody to ask me. Okay.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. You could go a little out of your way.

Speaker 3 No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Let me defend myself.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. Okay.

Speaker 3 Okay. Is that

Speaker 3 listen? I feel insecure about gloating.

Speaker 1 Yeah, about bragging about your accomplishments.

Speaker 3 About just not accomplishments, but just the amount of time I've been doing it, what I've done is what I'm saying. What you've done.

Speaker 3 Eight years on a sketch show, on national TV, being a fat Korean dude, necessarily on Mad TV.

Speaker 1 Oh, on Mad TV. Yeah, yeah.
That's a sketch show?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah. All right, so eight years on that.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 3 I've been in a bunch of movies.

Speaker 1 You've done a

Speaker 1 ton of shit, right?

Speaker 3 I, you know what I mean, a regular at all the clubs. I sell out everywhere I go as a stand-up.
Yeah. My podcasts that I do, Tiger Belly and This, Bad Friends, are popular.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 I just think that somebody should call me and go, hey, you want to do something?

Speaker 1 What do you think is holding you back?

Speaker 1 Nothing. So why do you think no one's calling you? I suck.
No.

Speaker 3 That's not it. But in my head, that's what I think.

Speaker 1 This is a perfect, this is such a great microcosm of what's going on. Watch what I'm going to tie in right now.
All right, I love it. This is what I need.

Speaker 3 Like a psychologist. This is what I need.

Speaker 1 In the same way, you assumed Asis Ansari, Taylor Tomlinson, XYZ continua, whomever, didn't like you or didn't respect you, is the same way you feel about these places that you think,

Speaker 1 why don't they ask me? So instead of you going, Taylor, hey, do we have a weird thing? Is it a weird thing with you? Because I want to let you know that I don't have a weird thing with you.

Speaker 1 If there's something about me, I wish you would tell me. And then she would go, no, I didn't.

Speaker 1 I didn't think that

Speaker 1 I thought we were good. In the same way as

Speaker 1 having my agent or my manager go, hey, Netflix, hey, Amazon, hey, HBO. You know, Bobby wants to do a special, but he thinks you guys don't want to do one with him.
Wait, really? Does he think that?

Speaker 1 Because we just didn't think he really wanted to do one. We don't know.
These are the same things taking place in your life.

Speaker 1 If you don't ask,

Speaker 1 you won't know.

Speaker 3 And this is exactly why I wanted to even bring it up.

Speaker 1 Okay. Because I started a war.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? I'm going to say this. I didn't say anything negative.

Speaker 3 Can I say something, Rod?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 3 But what you don't understand is I'm diabolical and crafty.

Speaker 1 And if they say no, you're going to blow up the building?

Speaker 3 No, no, that's not what I'm going to say. What I'm saying is that, but this is how I've always been.
Yeah. Whether you like it or not.
oh i like it right and

Speaker 3 it gives me motivation

Speaker 3 because if i don't have an enemy

Speaker 3 honestly i choose up enemies who's your enemy now i'm not gonna say it please i can't say it because we'll have to bleep it out we'll bleep it we bleeped last week and it was fun i i'm not gonna say it because i don't want george to keep bleeping shit yeah but it's fun if you say it No, but I have people out there

Speaker 1 in my head,

Speaker 3 right, that I perceive as people people that are against me and it motivates me to write it motivates me to go do more stand-up even if it's not true yes you fabricated and you enjoy fabricate enemies in my mind to motivate me and i don't i don't think that that's healthy no

Speaker 1 right not even i don't think it's healthy but it is i think the truth but do you think that you don't well okay this is self-sabotage what do you mean this is you saying essentially you're okay with self-sabotage it's not i'm not sabotaging anything because i know at the end end of the day, I'm going to win.

Speaker 3 But you're saying

Speaker 1 you're slowing down the process instead of just going through it. Why don't you go directly to Netflix or Amazon or whomever and go, hey, I want to do a special?

Speaker 3 Because I'm not ready yet.

Speaker 3 I need about another 15 minutes. I'm good.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 You do, you have hours, you probably have two, three hours of money.

Speaker 3 I need 15 better minutes.

Speaker 1 Let's write it right now.

Speaker 3 No, I'm not going to write fucking 15 minutes with you right now.

Speaker 1 Let's write it right now.

Speaker 3 No, I'm not going to write 15 fucking minutes right now.

Speaker 1 Hey, so

Speaker 1 I'm Koran.

Speaker 8 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

Speaker 8 Well, with the name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at progressive.com.

Speaker 8 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law.
Not available in all states.

Speaker 3 You know what you've been doing in your stand-up that I like?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 3 Because we did that show with Brian Callan.

Speaker 1 I got a lot of pro-Trump stuff coming out of me lately. No.
Build the wall. No.
What? No. No.

Speaker 3 And this is what I, because I hadn't seen you in a while. And we did that show, Brian Callan's show at The Laugh Actor.
I was sitting there and I wanted you to fail.

Speaker 1 Because you just went on and crushed. I did pretty good.

Speaker 1 You did kill. I went on right after you.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and I sat there and you did something. You, there was a moment in your set, there was a minute where you, I forgot what it was, but you were being real and you had a message.

Speaker 1 Ah, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah. And like, oh, you were making a point.
Yes.

Speaker 3 A lot of stand-ups, you know, we just want to go for the kill, but you're revolving to the point now in your stand-up where you're saying messages and having your point of view rather than, and I really like that.

Speaker 1 Thank you. It's very nice.

Speaker 3 Delia went up after you.

Speaker 1 I appreciate you saying something nice. It was a good idea.
Yeah, Delia did go up up after me.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 the reception was not as good.

Speaker 3 Yeah. What a crazy show.
You, me.

Speaker 1 Me, you, Chris, Delia, Brian Callen,

Speaker 1 wait. Bill Burr.
Burr. Yeah, Bill Burr.

Speaker 3 I can't believe we forgot Bill Burr.

Speaker 1 Well, he's

Speaker 1 a great show. Bill is a.

Speaker 3 You know what I love about Bill?

Speaker 3 And I'm going to say something positive about Bill.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 Best comic in the country. In the world.
One of the best. To me, yeah.
To me, too. I love watching him.
He doesn't.

Speaker 1 I learned from him.

Speaker 3 You know, he's so good up there.

Speaker 1 Worst comic in the country is who. Go ahead.

Speaker 3 I can't say it.

Speaker 3 But

Speaker 3 when I saw Bill playing with his daughter,

Speaker 3 I saw Bill, we were at a thing, and I saw him playing with his daughter. And he was out there for hours playing with his.
daughter and I was just like, oh, he's a good dad, too. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It made me like my heart warm.

Speaker 1 Good comic, good dad. Yeah.

Speaker 3 You'd be a shitty dad, huh?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I babysit you every fucking

Speaker 1 time we do this.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You're my child.
People don't realize you're my child. Why? Because they don't know.
Oh, dude, speaking of our mutual child, I did promise

Speaker 1 your favorite King Black that we'd call him.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you do, though.
He did say, Eric Riffinson. I guess.

Speaker 1 Will y'all do me a favor? Will y'all call me on the show? I said, of course, we'll call you on the show.

Speaker 3 He He said, well, well, he was, he fucking, he was harassing me.

Speaker 1 Wait, why?

Speaker 3 I'll just read you the thing.

Speaker 3 Before you call him, I'm going to put this out.

Speaker 1 Well, no, let's talk to him about it. No, no, I got to tell you.

Speaker 3 No, before you call him, just let me do this. Okay.
All right.

Speaker 3 So he goes,

Speaker 3 he texted me like three or four times.

Speaker 1 We texted last night.

Speaker 3 I didn't respond. Right.
So his last text to me was, really?

Speaker 3 You have to talk shit about me so bad all the time?

Speaker 1 Geez. He said, y'all ready to Skype?

Speaker 3 Right. And then, yeah.
and then I go, I lied.

Speaker 3 And I said, I have personal shit going on right now, man. I can't talk right now.
Relax.

Speaker 1 Oh. Right.
Well, he's going to hear this.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's fine now because this will come out next week because I can't deal with it next week.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 But I don't know if I can deal with it now.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You're going to call him? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I want to call him because I can't.

Speaker 3 But we had to keep the lie on that I had personal shit, but I can't tell him that.

Speaker 1 Well, let's inflate it.

Speaker 1 Let's inflate it. Let's make the lie even more prevalent.
What is is the lie, you think? Well, let's make it up right now.

Speaker 3 Yeah, before we...

Speaker 3 My cousin has it.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no. Something.

Speaker 1 There was a scare in my mom. It's got to be something about Kalila or your mom or your brother for it to be real to him.

Speaker 3 No, because he's best friends with my brother. My brother and I had him talking.

Speaker 3 Okay, so it can't be my mom.

Speaker 1 Kalila, then.

Speaker 3 No, it has to be what?

Speaker 1 Something about Kalila.

Speaker 3 Kalila's friend?

Speaker 3 Okay, here's the deal. Yeah.
This really happened. Okay.
So when I was in Denver, Kalila's friend hung out in the green room with us.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then the next day I flew out. And she has it.
A week later, she now has it.

Speaker 1 No. Yeah.
Bob. What?

Speaker 3 What if you have it? I don't have it. It's been 11 days.

Speaker 1 Okay. But let's say Kalila thinks she has it.

Speaker 3 There was a scare that she thought she has it.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Call him right now.

Speaker 1 Are we turned on? Okay. There we go.

Speaker 1 I mean, he's the one that was like, y'all ready to Skype? He said it to me. I know.

Speaker 1 Hello?

Speaker 1 Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? What's up? What's up, baby?

Speaker 3 What's up, baby boy?

Speaker 1 Oh, brother.

Speaker 3 Oh, here we go again.

Speaker 1 We said, what's up, baby boy? What's the problem? What's the problem, Griff?

Speaker 1 Ain't no problem.

Speaker 1 What are you doing?

Speaker 1 You're washing your toilet? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 FO should stay fresh at all times in this time.

Speaker 1 It's still off.

Speaker 3 Now, were you really mad? So when you texted me, were you mad that I didn't text you back right away?

Speaker 1 Bobby, you never text back right away. Okay.
What are you angry about?

Speaker 1 What do you mean angry? What are you talking about? I saw your freaking podcast where all you're doing is talk shit about me. What did he say? What did I say?

Speaker 1 What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Oh, what am I talking about? Oh, I'm probably gonna. This is your words.
I'm probably gonna get in trouble for this, but I told Griffin

Speaker 1 if I got it, I'm gonna die. What do you think you're gonna die? You know what I mean? And then you're gonna go on to this point.

Speaker 3 But didn't that happen? Didn't that happen?

Speaker 3 You said, you said to me, you said, I'm gonna be stopping.

Speaker 1 First of all, I did not say say that. I'm trying to look positive.
Listen, I'm not the little fuck that smokes and eats like a crazy person, okay? That's you. All right.

Speaker 1 So, yes, I see why you're worried, but don't bring me down.

Speaker 3 I found it offensive that you thought that if I died from it, that you wouldn't die as well.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 you would die as well.

Speaker 1 No, I'm not. Not at all.
I'm healthier than you think.

Speaker 1 Don't let the size fool you.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, then, okay.

Speaker 1 So, Griff, Griff, what you're saying is you think Bobby would die before you.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, for sure. Bobby would go like in a second.
You know what I mean? Why? He would just like,

Speaker 1 you know, it's just, I think that Corona would live stronger in his hefty head. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 it would like

Speaker 3 just fuck.

Speaker 1 What are you saying?

Speaker 1 Fuck.

Speaker 1 You think that my head is big?

Speaker 3 You think my head is fucking big?

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen your heart?

Speaker 3 Have you ever seen your head?

Speaker 1 It's proportioned to my body.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and your body is gigantic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but your body, you look, how many times am I going to tell you you look like a honey bottle? You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Why? Because I'm yellow?

Speaker 1 Well, that would be a mustard bottle inside of a honey

Speaker 1 I'm just happy that you're watching the show. That just shows that you really watch the episode.
Oh, no, no, no, listen, listen.

Speaker 1 I have to because people keep sending me the links. They keep sending me the clips.
Look at this, Griffin. Why? Because

Speaker 1 I didn't talk any shit about you, Griff.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, so you about the vitamins. I think mac and cheese is vitamins.
That was cool.

Speaker 1 Did I say that?

Speaker 1 Did I say that? You did. Yeah, you did.
Yes, you did. You did.
But you know what?

Speaker 1 You know what? You did. You know what? We say this to your face.
We all say this to each other's face because we love each other.

Speaker 1 Saying it to my face is one thing, but to all of the people that watch your podcast, do they need that? It's not that many people. It's not that many people.

Speaker 1 Oh, my. Oh, listen to you guys.
It's not that many people. Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 Dude, the reason why we talk about you is because we love you.

Speaker 1 We fucking love you.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Just like Hitler talked about the Jews.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You have a point there.
Yeah, pretty similar.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 you're not even going to defend yourself against the white water.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 what are you making for dinner right now? Are you cooking? Are you having you having your lady cook?

Speaker 1 Actually, I've been doing a lot of cooking. No, I know, because he's doing a cooking show.
Do you know this? He's been doing a cooking show online.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He's been doing a cooking show.
I'm not a cooking show. I just cook online live on Instagram because I'm bored as fuck.
Sounds like a cooking show to me.

Speaker 1 I got this paleo shit from this place called Sunbasket. And then they

Speaker 1 don't plug your sponsors on our show.

Speaker 1 First of all, I wish they were a sponsor. They're not a sponsor, but it's like those pre-made, you make it yourself.
Yeah. We send you everything you need.
There's a lot of companies like that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Just one of them. Can you spray my face again?

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 like 20 minutes, 20, 30 minutes it takes to cook, and it's pretty great. Meals for two, and it's like $11.
I feel like I'm getting it.

Speaker 1 Oh, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 1 You hear what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Barely.

Speaker 3 I'm just freaked out by your voice.

Speaker 1 But I said, this is what I said.

Speaker 1 You know what, Bobby? Your butthole is probably ground zero for Corona. Okay.
All the nonsense that's gone off.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Griff, Griff. That yellow cave of wonder.

Speaker 1 Will you send us a will you send us a video? We can put up on an episode of you cooking something.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. please.
Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 Now, I need you two fucks to call me on Skype later today. Can we do tomorrow podcast? Wait, what do you mean? Oh, oh, because you want to video chat it?

Speaker 1 Yeah, we video chat, and I put it, I put it on my uh, okay, my little podcast that's not good enough for you guys, apparently. That's not true.
We both watch your show, we watch it here,

Speaker 1 we watch it here. We watch it without Griffith to talk to talk shit.

Speaker 1 That's not true. In fact, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby and I sat the other night, we sat and just watched a couple episodes straight of Riffin with Griffin.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I don't even, you guys, wow, you guys are better liars than me. No,

Speaker 1 I'm telling you, some of my favorite episodes on there of me. There's one of me that I like.

Speaker 1 Pretend like you're going to call me that. Oh, go.
Yo, you just watched your guys' episodes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who is that?

Speaker 3 Who's that guy?

Speaker 1 This is Riffin with Griffin. We're talking to Riffin with Griffin.
Here we go.

Speaker 8 Oh, what's up? 75.

Speaker 1 What's up, everybody? Welcome to you.

Speaker 1 You without a microphone.

Speaker 1 Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 3 ever wondered what the snuffle-up of us is going to look like without hair? That's what it looks like.

Speaker 1 Hey, is that song cleared, or are we going to get clipped by YouTube? Is that your music?

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's my music. You made it up from scratch, right? I came and I did it on the singing mic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, you didn't.

Speaker 1 Go look at your episode. You didn't do it on the singing mic.
You were actually being rigged. What did I do?

Speaker 1 You were like, this is so black. Can I answer emails while we're doing this?

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 Oh, here we go. Let's see what I did.

Speaker 3 Baby, baby.

Speaker 1 Have I done your show?

Speaker 1 You don't know if you've done his show?

Speaker 3 I haven't been on this set before, Eric.

Speaker 1 Yes, you have because you were talking shit about the brick, you piece of shit.

Speaker 1 I did it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you did a wait, wait, wait, wait. By the way, then you did a whole separate Patreon podcast episode talking shit about my place.
I was sent that clip too.

Speaker 1 What did he say about your place? What did he say about your place?

Speaker 1 He just was talking shit. Bobby does.
You know what I'm saying? That's what he does. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But you know what?

Speaker 3 Honestly, though, during this whole epidemic that we're going through.

Speaker 3 Pandemic. Pandemic.
And I've been thinking about who my friends and family are. And you're in my, you literally, I'm not kidding you.
You're in my top five.

Speaker 1 Five.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 3 Of the people I love the most. I really do love you.

Speaker 1 Don't get sentimental on me now, piece of shit. Yeah, he means it.
Stay consistent. Oh, my God.
But

Speaker 1 I believe him.

Speaker 1 But is Andrew like number seven? I'm just curious.

Speaker 3 I think Andrew now is in my top 10 as well.

Speaker 3 We have to go now because I have to talk about something else.

Speaker 1 Hey, Griff. We love you.

Speaker 1 Here we go. We love you.
Here we go, Eric.

Speaker 3 Getting offended and getting sensitive.

Speaker 1 Hey, plug, hey,

Speaker 1 plug your show right quick. Do like a radio drop like the old school days.
Go. Oh, my God.
Make sure you watch Ripper with Griff.

Speaker 1 That's all good. I love him.
Yeah. I fucking love him so much.
Tell, talk about who just texted you.

Speaker 3 All right. So here's,

Speaker 3 this is very sensitive.

Speaker 3 But I have to call him back. You know, in fact,

Speaker 3 I don't think I should call him online

Speaker 3 live, but no.

Speaker 1 Why not? Tell him, can I call you live on my show?

Speaker 1 Ask, can I call you live on my show?

Speaker 1 Well, while you're talking, while you're sending that text, tell everyone who you're talking about.

Speaker 3 Okay, I'm talking about Carlos Mincia here.

Speaker 1 And what happened?

Speaker 3 I don't know if people know this, but for the first six years of my stand-up career as an open micer, I used to open for Carlos Mancia.

Speaker 3 I probably did over 500 shows with them when I was young. I went all over the country.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 I used to open for him and Pauli Shore.

Speaker 3 So when it comes to those two people specifically, I get a little sensitive because,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 I know things about them that other people don't know, obviously, you know.

Speaker 3 So, um, you know, I've been talking about him on Tiger Belly and some other things, and

Speaker 3 he's been in comedy jail for a long time.

Speaker 1 Two decades.

Speaker 3 15 years.

Speaker 1 Okay, two decades minus five.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And

Speaker 3 his argument, you know, his argument has always been

Speaker 3 him defending his position about stealing jokes, about what bits.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 3 And my argument has always been that even if you did it a two or three times, or whatever it might be, I don't know exactly the number, right?

Speaker 3 I don't know what the number, I don't know why you're smiling.

Speaker 1 I'm not smiling. You're smiling.
I'm smiling because you're I don't know what the number is.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, I don't know what specifically the number is.

Speaker 1 I'm being very genuine. I don't care.
I mean, I don't know because I don't. Thank you.

Speaker 3 Thank you.

Speaker 1 I just don't.

Speaker 3 Regardless of what the number is, is that you just do a blanket statement, right?

Speaker 3 I'm sorry. Yeah.
Right? Because there have been times where I had seen him write a bunch of bits on his own,

Speaker 3 work shit out, right?

Speaker 1 You're saying he didn't steal everything.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I think that the thing is, is that people think that even today, right? Even when he's on stage, they think that everything that he's saying.

Speaker 3 he's stealing, which is impossible because he doesn't do open mics. And, you know what I mean? He doesn't, you know, go.

Speaker 3 I don't think he sees enough people do live stand-up, right, for him to steal.

Speaker 3 And I think he's very sensitive about it now, right?

Speaker 3 So he's a little bit more paranoid about what bits he puts out there, but still, everything that he does now is under the lens of he's stealing everything, which I don't think is the case.

Speaker 3 But the problem is, is that by him defending specific bits from the past, right,

Speaker 3 gets him in trouble because, you know,

Speaker 3 instead of defending the bits that you claim that you wrote, just let it all go. Do a blanket statement that I used to steal.
I'm so fucking sorry. I will make amends for that.

Speaker 3 And to move on, I think is

Speaker 3 the best way to go. And that's what the conversation was outside.

Speaker 1 What did he say? When you said you should just say sorry.

Speaker 3 It hurts his heart.

Speaker 1 To say sorry.

Speaker 3 To say sorry to all of it.

Speaker 1 To admit that he was stealing?

Speaker 3 I think that he admits to stealing some, but not all. And I just think that.

Speaker 1 What hurts? I don't understand. It hurts to say.
It hurts.

Speaker 3 Because there are bits that people are accusing him of stealing that he didn't steal. Right.
In his opinion. Oh, okay.
I get it now. And

Speaker 3 I think that's pretty much the conversation that I have with him. Listen, I.

Speaker 1 But he's not going to say sorry, is what he's saying?

Speaker 3 No, I think that he is now at a point where he is going to say sorry.

Speaker 1 He's going to go on Rogan and do it?

Speaker 3 I don't think that Rogan would have him.

Speaker 1 It'd be crazy if he did, though, huh? Yeah, it'd be great if they did it. If he went on there and was like,

Speaker 3 I think Ned would be open to doing it as well.

Speaker 1 Oh, he should.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't know if Joe would ever do that, but man, would it be amazing to watch, for people that don't know what we're talking about, Carlos Mencia and Joe Rogan got to an argument at the comedy store 15 some odd years ago about stealing jokes, and the clip went viral.

Speaker 1 This before viral was a real thing, by the way. It kind of was like on the precipice.

Speaker 3 In fact, what was scary about it is that I got caught in the middle of it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you were. You're in the video on the patio.

Speaker 3 I was on the video on the patio, and everyone knows that I was his opener. So it's like when that happened, I was getting a lot of messages myself saying that you're thief too, or you piece of shit.

Speaker 1 You've never stole it. Never stole anything.
Never, ever.

Speaker 1 Because everything you've done is so bad that who could you steal that from? It's such trash.

Speaker 1 I love it. No, of course not.

Speaker 3 That's what you're doing.

Speaker 1 No, dude,

Speaker 1 but the point is you got roped into a weird thing.

Speaker 3 And so, what I had to do back then was I had to literally cut ties.

Speaker 3 I had to cut ties with Carlos.

Speaker 1 Well, let's finish what happened for people that don't know. I'm sure most people know, but what happened was the comedy stores chose Carlos over Rogan.
Rogan was, in so many words, you know,

Speaker 1 I don't know if he was banned, but he didn't come back around. It was almost like the store leaned towards Carlos, and that divided the store a little bit.

Speaker 3 That was a real,

Speaker 3 that time, I was an open micer back then and young, you know, and I, that was a real

Speaker 3 fucking difficult time because it's like, you know, I, I was friends with Joe, Joe Jogen as well.

Speaker 3 I was, you know, with Buff Eyes as well. I loved him.
And, um,

Speaker 3 and, you know, I had to cut ties with somebody that helped me out a lot. And I hadn't, I've only seen him.
since then, maybe a hand five times.

Speaker 1 Damn.

Speaker 3 I never had him on Tiger Belly ever ever because of the fact that George, I didn't ever want to bring it up, but he just said I want to hash it out. So we'll have him on Tiger Belly and

Speaker 3 talk about it. And talk about it.
Jesus Christ. You know, Ken Jung and Joe McHale started a podcast.
You think that this is what they're going to be talking about?

Speaker 1 Did they really? Yeah. Did they really? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 3 You think this is what they're going to be talking about?

Speaker 3 They're going to be talking about stuff that we should be talking about.

Speaker 1 Like what?

Speaker 3 Like

Speaker 3 television and the nature of, you know,

Speaker 3 G-rated. Pass.

Speaker 1 yeah, yeah, they're not gonna say no their podcast isn't gonna say what our podcast says

Speaker 1 They're doing the white in the Asian thing. That's that's pisses me off though.
They're copying us hard.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but we went first. We were first.

Speaker 1 Well tell them. Can we call him and tell him? Call Ken and tell him that he's copping us.

Speaker 3 I'll tell you why I can't call him.

Speaker 1 Why? God.

Speaker 1 Why can't you?

Speaker 1 I want to say this. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Number one,

Speaker 3 I honestly, in my heart, all right,

Speaker 3 I love the guy.

Speaker 1 Sure, yeah, we know.

Speaker 3 You know that, right? Yes, I know. I went on tour with him.
Yep. He was my doctor.
I went to his wedding.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I know. You guys know.
I know his wife.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we're friends.

Speaker 3 But when I asked him to do Tiger Belly, my podcast,

Speaker 3 he wanted me to talk to his publicist first to go through the questions.

Speaker 1 Oh, because he wanted to know what you were going to say.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because he's in the Hollywood thing, dude.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so that's a Hollywood thing. So for me.

Speaker 1 He doesn't want you to say some dumb.

Speaker 3 I don't want to call him because he probably won't pick up. And then also he'll be like, wait a minute, wait a minute, guys.
You know, and I don't want to. That's good.
Let's trap him.

Speaker 1 Let's call him out on his shit. No, no, no, we're not trying to.
Call him out on the fact that he fucking stole our knife.

Speaker 3 He didn't steal. He just happens to be Korean.
The other half. What's Joe McConne?

Speaker 1 Joe McHale.

Speaker 3 John McCain. He happens.

Speaker 1 John McCain and Ken Jong.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 He just happens to be.

Speaker 1 A Korean guy and a white guy. Yeah.
Okay. Same.
Stole it.

Speaker 1 Stolen. They stole it from us.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but they're starting one. I wonder if it'll beat us.

Speaker 1 No way. We're going to do everything in our power to make sure it doesn't beat us.

Speaker 3 But if it does, what will happen?

Speaker 1 I'm going to try to kill one of those guys.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make a vague one.

Speaker 3 Would you really be angry?

Speaker 1 If they topped us? Yeah. There's a few people on the charts that I'm mad about that they top us.
There's a few people that. That would make me mad, yeah.

Speaker 3 Okay, who was on the charts that make you angry?

Speaker 1 Jenna Fisher and

Speaker 3 can I just say that?

Speaker 1 That makes me so mad!

Speaker 1 It makes me so mad that they're number two and three in comedy.

Speaker 3 I know, but Jenna. In comedy!

Speaker 1 I love Jenna. You're comedy!

Speaker 3 I love Jenna.

Speaker 1 So what? I don't dislike her either. She's great.

Speaker 3 I don't dislike Jenna. She's a wonderful person.

Speaker 1 I don't dislike these people.

Speaker 3 I was on a sitcom with her for two years splitting up together, ABC.

Speaker 1 I'm mad.

Speaker 1 I'm mad

Speaker 1 that it beats us on the charts. That's just pure jealousy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but they're just more talented.

Speaker 1 No, they're not. And they're not comedians.
And this is a comedy podcast. And we're comedians.

Speaker 3 They're better, and they're more talented than us.

Speaker 1 You think that show is better than this show? Yeah, it has to be. They're doing better.
No, it's because they have way bigger names than than we do because they both run the fucking game.

Speaker 1 We're losers.

Speaker 3 Yes. Yeah, our names are losing.

Speaker 1 And, yes. And fine.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So. But can I say this to back our shit up? For being losers.

Speaker 1 Right. Doing pretty fucking good.

Speaker 3 We're doing okay. Yeah.
Yeah. For being losers.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And I think that's what makes.

Speaker 1 So if Ken and John, and Ken and John McCain beat us. Ken and John.
Ken and John beat us.

Speaker 1 I'll be bummed. Yeah.
But I'll get it because they're bigger than us.

Speaker 3 And they will.

Speaker 3 Maybe. They will, and then we'll just be angry.

Speaker 1 Maybe we beat Conan. Conan's bigger than us.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but Conan has other things going on. I think that, you know, we have other things going on as well, but this is a pretty big deal.

Speaker 1 Look, it's not a competition. I don't care, but

Speaker 1 it means a lot to me.

Speaker 1 It means a lot to me. It sounds like a competition.
I don't like that they beat us on the comedy charts.

Speaker 1 And Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is up there every single week. And I've never heard anybody that listens to that.

Speaker 1 There's a show called Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me on NPR. You know what that is? No.
They're literally

Speaker 1 the number two comedy podcast every single week.

Speaker 3 Okay, good. And good for there must be more talented and better than us.

Speaker 1 That doesn't, that's not what that means.

Speaker 1 That's not what that means, even a little bit. That's what it means.
So, so, okay.

Speaker 1 So, everyone that's above you is more talented and better than you?

Speaker 3 Yeah, but everyone beneath me is less.

Speaker 1 Ah, I like that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and that's what feels good.

Speaker 1 Look, this wait, wait, don't tell me is up here. Let's see.
Where

Speaker 1 hold on.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there it is. Hold on.
I saw I passed it. Okay.

Speaker 1 So this is Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me.

Speaker 1 I just want to play a chunk of it. Let's see if it's much fun.
It's comedy, by the way.

Speaker 3 And they rank number.

Speaker 3 It's going to make me feel insecure and jealous.

Speaker 1 Why? Why?

Speaker 3 Because what if they're insanely good?

Speaker 1 Well, if they're better than us, they're better.

Speaker 1 How long are we going to listen? For two seconds. All right.
This is, let's listen. They had Stephen Colbert at home, along with panelists Mazya Browni, Paula Poundstone, and somebody else.

Speaker 3 That's a great crew of people.

Speaker 5 Support for this podcast and the following method.

Speaker 1 Garbage. I hate it already.
Support greetings, bad game.

Speaker 1 I'm just fucking around. Okay, here we go.

Speaker 3 Negative.

Speaker 1 Did you come from Hulu?

Speaker 5 With Hulu Plus Live.

Speaker 1 Here is your host from a jacuzzi filled with hand sanitizer somewhere in Chicago. Peter Sagal.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Bill, and thanks to everyone listening at home.

Speaker 1 This week, we are going old school.

Speaker 9 The older members of our audience might remember that for the first seven years of this show, we did it in a studio, the very studio where I now sit, in fact.

Speaker 1 Stop right now.

Speaker 1 Stop right now. Sorry, I fell asleep down in the beginning of that.
Hey, guys.

Speaker 3 What we're doing now is mean.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 3 And if somebody else were to do that to ours.

Speaker 1 First of all, I'm punching up. I'm punching up.
They're better than us. They're better than us.
That's all they're doing. They're more successful.

Speaker 3 They're more successful and they're better.

Speaker 1 That's all I'm jealous. All right.
I'm allowed to be jealous and punch up for as a joke at NPR. But the 30,000-page- I'm that guy's a great host.
I'm sure the show is a good idea.

Speaker 3 The 30,000 podcasts that are

Speaker 1 underneath us,

Speaker 3 we're better than them.

Speaker 3 And that's the most.

Speaker 1 No, I don't dislike that guy. I don't know those guys.
I just, I'm jealous. I'm jealous that they chart every week.
It's unbelievable.

Speaker 3 You know, what I found in,

Speaker 3 you know, what I found that I had to do in the last 10 years of my comedy career is to get involved with groups of people that I don't think

Speaker 3 have the same cachet as

Speaker 3 other people that I know, you know, but you learn to collaborate and you learn to support and you learn to figure out that

Speaker 3 some things might not be my cup of tea, but you know,

Speaker 3 it's not necessarily means it's bad.

Speaker 1 No, of course not. Just because it's not what you like doesn't mean it's bad.
No, there's a lot of music out there that people love that I can't stand, but it doesn't mean it's bad music. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Which is not for me. But that's not a comment about that show.
I'm just commenting on the fact that I'm jealous that these shows are better than us every week. They rank better than us.

Speaker 1 I'm sure Jenna's a nice girl, I'm sure Angela's a nice girl, but you have to assume

Speaker 3 you can talk about things though that they would never talk about. I think that's like why

Speaker 1 Angela, Angela calls, Angela calls Jenna Fisher Ching Chong like every single episode. They do like fake Asian accents to begin the show.
That's how they start their show. I'm dead serious.

Speaker 1 That's how they start their show.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they do. It's impossible.

Speaker 1 Their intro music is

Speaker 1 not what yes, it is. And she goes,

Speaker 1 she does this whole bit. You've never heard that show? No.
That's what she does. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 She's still great. I know.

Speaker 3 Very talented. I agree.
No, I do love Jenna.

Speaker 1 No, of course, dude. It's fucking, this is, I'm just, I'm just joking around.
Do you want

Speaker 1 me once? Why?

Speaker 3 Because

Speaker 3 on the show? Yeah, we were shooting and it was on her coverage and I was behind the camera.

Speaker 1 I know where you were. You were fucking around.

Speaker 3 No, I just started playing Candy Crush or whatever.

Speaker 1 You were fucking around. I was fucking around.

Speaker 3 What, you don't do that?

Speaker 1 No, I don't.

Speaker 3 Well, you know, you...

Speaker 1 When it's on on somebody else's coverage, I don't fuck with the actor. I wasn't fucking with her.

Speaker 3 I was just

Speaker 1 playing Candy Crush with her.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was saying the lines.

Speaker 1 But on your phone, that's so disrespectful. She wasn't.

Speaker 3 I was just saying the lines.

Speaker 1 So she can't even look at you in the eyes and get...

Speaker 3 She could look at my head.

Speaker 3 My head's there, dog.

Speaker 1 It's basically you just putting up. You should just put up a picture of you while you can look down and play the game.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I didn't have one of those.

Speaker 1 Why don't you just get a stand in if you don't like reading lines so much?

Speaker 3 No, it was just that one particular.

Speaker 3 It wasn't Candy Crush.

Speaker 3 I I had to finish the level.

Speaker 1 Stardew Valley.

Speaker 3 No, it's not Stardew Valley. You can't play it on your phone.
Stardew Valley is a very complex game. Please don't make fun of it.

Speaker 1 I'm not making fun of it. You're 50.
Go ahead. What did she do?

Speaker 1 What did she do?

Speaker 3 She just went, she just kind of called me out.

Speaker 1 Are you fucking kidding me? She's right. I know she is.
Yeah, are you fucking kidding? Why would you?

Speaker 3 I started blushing.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then, um, like as if you had a couple of beers or something.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 You son of a bitch. You started blushing.

Speaker 3 And then I, I think I walked away. Because I don't like confrontation.
You were embarrassed. I think I was embarrassed.

Speaker 1 You don't like confrontation. That's why.
I hate it. Yeah, but in that realm, it's very embarrassing when you get checked down.
I got checked out.

Speaker 1 Melissa Leo yelled at me like me and me and Griff, like fucking children. I mean, dude, like children.
Like what? It was embarrassing as fuck.

Speaker 3 What did she say?

Speaker 1 Well, we were on the other side. Me, Al Madrigal, and Griffin were on the other side, the completely other side of the room.
She couldn't have heard us. Didn't even know.

Speaker 1 We're in the background of her shot.

Speaker 1 I'm talking no shit, 30, 40 feet away.

Speaker 1 And we're supposed to be chumming it up in the hallway. That's literally what we're supposed to be doing in the background of the scene.
So we are.

Speaker 1 We're just kind of quietly being like, well, yeah, I mean, if we start, we start late tomorrow, we're supposed to be talking.

Speaker 1 She stops, runs behind it, runs behind, I mean, runs behind the crew, sprints, and is like, quiet, be quiet. I mean, like we're children.

Speaker 3 Wow. And what did you do?

Speaker 1 You know what I did? We all went like this.

Speaker 1 So embarrassed. I was so embarrassed.
I was embarrassing.

Speaker 1 you feel like an idiot we were also not doing anything wrong it I think it just we were get it got in her head when she looked over and saw us yeah she kind of wanted it out of sight out of mind type of shit in the background yeah she lit us dude she lit us up a bunch oh you know what I was on a commercial once and um the director I couldn't get this line out it's a stupid commercial and the director goes All right, everyone, form a circle.

Speaker 3 So, like, you're talking about a crew of 100 people, whatever.

Speaker 3 They form this gigantic circle. You get in the middle.

Speaker 1 You. Me.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 So I'm in the middle of a circle.

Speaker 3 I'm kidding you. I'm not kidding you.
This happened. Everyone point your finger.
Everyone points their fingers. Repeat after me.
You're the worst actor in LA. Yeah.
And they all did that.

Speaker 1 Truth.

Speaker 3 And my face just failure. Sweat.

Speaker 1 Why would the director do that?

Speaker 3 Because he's a bad guy.

Speaker 1 Didn't he tell me this story? What's that guy's name?

Speaker 3 I can't tell you the name.

Speaker 1 And oh. We did it on two weeks ago.
You had said that he was the inspiration for.

Speaker 3 You already said that story?

Speaker 1 You said he was the inspiration for that. I'm not going to cut it out, though.
We are going to cut it. He is.

Speaker 1 You had said he was the inspiration for some guy in the. Vigo Mortensen.
Yes.

Speaker 3 That's right. We already said that.

Speaker 1 Or not even, no, Vigo from. I'm so sorry.
I said that story. He was actually.
You can cut it out. No, what?

Speaker 3 Now I'm blushing.

Speaker 1 Don't blush. No, I already wrote it down.
He knows.

Speaker 1 But also.

Speaker 3 I use so many fucking podcasts. It's like I can't even.

Speaker 1 But that's why I've told you you need to stop. I can't even.
But you need to stop. You need to do our podcast and your podcast, and that's it.

Speaker 3 I know, but it's just

Speaker 3 so much talking that

Speaker 1 no more. It's ours and yours, and that's it.
No more.

Speaker 1 You can't do any more podcasts. I'm putting a fucking break on it.

Speaker 3 But do you ever, but do you ever repeat stories on podcasts?

Speaker 1 I'm sure. I mean, how could you know? I mean, how could you, you know what I mean? Like, I,

Speaker 1 there's been so many times where I've said a story that I think I said that I don't.

Speaker 1 You ever done that on stage when you do a second show and it's like the second night of the second show and you go, did I tell that the earlier show?

Speaker 3 Oh, I've done that. I've done that before, yeah.

Speaker 1 I do that with jokes all the time. I go, it'll be the second show on a Saturday.
So you've done three shows. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I'll get in my head in the middle of a joke and go, did I tell this joke in the first show? Or did I do it on this show already? Or was it last night that I did it?

Speaker 3 Have you ever done this? I've done that, told the joke, and not get that big of a laugh.

Speaker 1 And then say, Did I tell that joke already? I've never done it because I'm too afraid. I've said that before.
And they go, yes, right? No. Oh, they don't.

Speaker 3 Oh, oh you never i i never have but the laugh wasn't big enough for me to go that was fresh yeah yeah yeah so in my head i'm like i might

Speaker 1 have told it yeah i've i've done a thing where i've told a joke

Speaker 1 i've told a joke at the beginning of the set and then because i rearrange my set all the time at the latter half of the set I do a piece of that joke that led me into another joke that I didn't do before.

Speaker 1 And I heard and I hear myself do it. And I feel so embarrassed.
I did did it in La Jolla last year and I felt so embarrassed. They don't, that's the, they don't know.

Speaker 1 You're doing an hour. They don't fucking know.

Speaker 3 They don't know, yeah. No, thank God, but but have you ever done this where you're the show? I don't, it hasn't happened for a while, but like, um, I had this one show where I'm like,

Speaker 3 I'm eating it. This is hard.
It was a second show Friday night. So I'm like, I'm going to cut this bit.
I'm going to get to the, I'm going to condense.

Speaker 3 the setup so that the punches are closer together. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And then I got off stage and the the manager goes, You just did 12 minutes.

Speaker 1 You cut out 40 minutes a show?

Speaker 1 Did you go back?

Speaker 1 Shut up. You just walked out?

Speaker 3 They didn't pay me for that show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they shouldn't. That's insane.
That's not even a regular comedy store.

Speaker 1 I know.

Speaker 3 It was that hard, that audience.

Speaker 1 You know, you know, comics that don't really like you, but like, they just you can feel that they

Speaker 1 do it because it's part of the thing.

Speaker 3 I know.

Speaker 1 I know I can name so many of them.

Speaker 3 No, but it's not even the comics, it's group of groups of comics. 100%.

Speaker 1 Right? I know who you are.

Speaker 1 I know who you are.

Speaker 3 There's a snotty,

Speaker 3 like you know what I mean? Snotty, Ivy Leaguey,

Speaker 3 you mean brainy

Speaker 3 group of comics out there? Yeah, like the Harvard kids. Yeah, that look down at us, but they say hi, especially at certain turfs, like the comedy store.
And like the clubs.

Speaker 3 Because the clubs is our terrain.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's our house. It's our house.
Yeah, you're on a mirror mountain.

Speaker 3 You know you mean the snotsnots, right?

Speaker 3 Are dangling down

Speaker 3 to our level because this is where the audiences are now, and that's the cool place to be.

Speaker 3 Because for many years, it was Largo and some of these other places.

Speaker 1 Did you ever play Largo?

Speaker 3 One time, and I never did it again.

Speaker 1 I met the guy that runs Largo at Jones on Third. He was having lunch with someone I know.

Speaker 1 And the guy said, you know, Andrew Santino? And he said, no, I don't think we've ever met. I said, hi, nice to meet you.
And he said, do you know who he is? I said, no, I don't know who that is.

Speaker 1 And he goes, are you serious? He said, Andrew's a great stand-up. How do you guys not know each other? And the guy goes, oh, I've never, I don't know.
And I go, I don't know him.

Speaker 1 I don't know who you are.

Speaker 1 And he literally goes, he literally goes, he runs Largo. I said, oh, okay.
And he goes, we'd love to get you in there. And I was like, oh, that's great.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't, I don't, I don't, no, no diss on him. It just, that's, that was never my world.
I don't, you know what I mean? Yeah. It's, it's like, oh, I don't know.

Speaker 3 Well, it's not even that it's not on my world. It's just that I don't even know how to get in there.
I don't know where to go.

Speaker 1 I don't even know what to do. No one ever asked me.
I don't even know if there's a door to get in. I don't know how you do it.

Speaker 1 I don't mean that. I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.

Speaker 3 But it's like you see Apatow,

Speaker 1 Califanakis. Yeah, yeah.
So many dope people go there.

Speaker 3 Yeah, all these dope fucking Silvermen because they get to do all both.

Speaker 3 But then I'll see the post and see all these, like, and they're with like Joe Walsh and like. You're not allowed there.
And I'm, and I go, oh, that's the group I'm not allowed in that club.

Speaker 1 Here's the difference between that and that place and like the comic store. To me.
God. And this this isn't dissing.

Speaker 3 It brings up so many resentment.

Speaker 1 That place to me is

Speaker 1 it's cool in the way when you show up to somebody's house and they have an old record player and you're like, everybody has a fucking record.

Speaker 1 But then they put on a good record and you're like, well, that is pretty fucking cool.

Speaker 1 Like it's pretty cool. Like it's a little on the nose, but it is very cool.

Speaker 1 And the comedy store is like when you show up to someone's house and it's a disgusting house and they're smoking in the garage and they've broken a lot of windows and the couch is fucking gross, and people are fucking on the couch.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And the mom is home, and she's partying, and her tit is out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's the comedy store. It's like the greatest high school party of all time.
Yeah. It's just like it feels more raw and disgusting and on purpose, on accident, accidentally on purpose.

Speaker 1 You know, like everything is working, but it's going to be.

Speaker 3 But there is.

Speaker 1 Over there feels very coordinated.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but there's something about the store, though, that I love. It's,

Speaker 3 you know, stand-up comedy has always been a working class type of performance. Yeah.
Right. It's like the Catskills people would go up, you know what I mean? In New York, you see Marvelous Mrs.

Speaker 3 Mazel, right? It's just, you know, it's just,

Speaker 3 we're basically strippers.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we are.

Speaker 3 We do stand-up in bars where there's drinking. It's been going on since the 60s.
There's something really, and that's why the comedy store is great because they never changed the decor of it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So it feels and looks like it always has been. Yeah, never, yeah.
And there's so much history there. It's not that necessarily that it's a dingy kind of a gross place.
It's more

Speaker 3 deadwood. Yeah.
You know? And I prefer that over,

Speaker 3 you know,

Speaker 3 a fancy place.

Speaker 1 Well, when things are more polished, I feel

Speaker 1 I feel like they know that you don't belong. You know, like they can feel it, you can feel it.
Yeah. You know?

Speaker 3 But it's so funny when an alternative comic says, gives me a compliment, it means so much more

Speaker 3 really yeah i remember like years ago paul of tompkins and patton oswald both i was with them and they said complimentary things about me as a comedian yeah and i just i just was like i was so giddy it's like if a club comic said it i'd be like whatever it wouldn't matter it wouldn't matter yeah but but because patton did you felt good you know i paid patton to do that to say something nice to you No, you didn't.

Speaker 1 That was a live cameo. I paid him to do a live cameo deal.

Speaker 3 Patton's a great guy.

Speaker 1 I don't know him either. I don't know any of those.
I really know none of those people. They don't know I exist.
I don't know them. It's very they know you exist.
No, I'm telling you.

Speaker 3 Oh, I'm telling you they do.

Speaker 1 I promise you they don't.

Speaker 3 Oh, so if I went up to fucking Pat Oswald and said, Do you know who I just call him Pumpkin?

Speaker 1 They'd go, No, I don't know who that guy. I've never heard of him.
That's so fucking crazy. The things you've done.
That's insane.

Speaker 1 It's because I don't, I don't, I don't make an effort to go over there. You, I don't reach out to that side.

Speaker 3 When I first saw you, though, and I'm going to have to say this, I thought to myself,

Speaker 3 oh, that guy, I'll never be friends with that guy. Why? When I initially saw you.

Speaker 1 Why? Because

Speaker 3 just don't take this wrong way.

Speaker 1 And I'm not making fun of you.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm not going to say it then. Well, say it, because I want to take it the wrong way.

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 3 It's honestly, when you,

Speaker 3 just look at it, my point of view.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 I don't know you, right?

Speaker 1 We've never met.

Speaker 3 We've never met. I don't know anything about your personality.
I can hear you talk,

Speaker 3 how you interact with people, and your just general energy

Speaker 3 is like negativity.

Speaker 1 Negative. Then why are you going up?

Speaker 3 Negative.

Speaker 3 It's like, um,

Speaker 3 how do you know?

Speaker 3 It's like, it's like when I first

Speaker 3 saw Bobby Slayton, yeah, I was a big fan of Bobby Slayton. And then once I got to meet him, he's super sweet.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 3 But initially, for years, I thought, oh, I'm never going to be able to, because he's just got to, he's, but then once, you know what I mean? See, look at that face you're doing.

Speaker 3 Once I got in there, right, then I'm like, oh, there's small aspects of softness and warmth in it.

Speaker 1 I think what it is is

Speaker 1 I'm aggressive. I am aggressive.
I'm heavy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I come in heavy to start. Yeah.
But that's because that's who I am.

Speaker 3 I'm big. You're authentically you.

Speaker 1 When I first saw you, you know what I thought?

Speaker 3 I'm being honest because I was being honest. So am I.

Speaker 1 No, no joke. I said, that's that crazy guy.
That gets naked all the time at the comedy store. That's literally what I thought to myself.
That's that crazy guy that gets naked at the the comedy store.

Speaker 3 And when do I get naked?

Speaker 1 When do you get naked? When do I get naked? All the time? When? All the time. No.

Speaker 1 No, don't Google it. Don't Google it?

Speaker 3 Yeah, because you're going to find, I could Google you and find something.

Speaker 1 Andrew Santino,

Speaker 1 naked,

Speaker 1 naked, just naked. Okay.

Speaker 3 Images.

Speaker 1 No. We got to blur that? Well, yeah, you got to blur right there because that's boobs.
Well, that's on set of a show that I had my penis wrapped. Let me see it.
That's me on set of, I'm dying up here.

Speaker 3 There we go.

Speaker 1 You are naked. No, that's on set of a show.
I don't give a fuck. You're naked.
It's on a TV show.

Speaker 3 I'll show you now. Google me then.

Speaker 1 That's on a TV show. You won't find anything.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 3 All right. You won't find anything.

Speaker 1 And this won't be on the TV show.

Speaker 3 If it's performing too, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I won't find it.
The first eight pictures are of you on stage. Performing.

Speaker 3 The same thing as a TV show.

Speaker 1 No. Yes.
Performing. This is on Tom Green's show.

Speaker 3 Performing.

Speaker 1 Performing. This is at a radio station.
Performing. Performing.
Bobby Lee naked on stage.

Speaker 3 Performing.

Speaker 1 This is you at your house. Performing.

Speaker 3 No, performing.

Speaker 1 But I love how you say I don't get naked. Look at how many naked photos come up.
It's almost insane. It's almost absurd how many come on.

Speaker 1 There's you.

Speaker 1 There's not. That's just a white guy.

Speaker 1 That's a guy. It's a gay male.

Speaker 1 It says on stage.

Speaker 1 That's not you.

Speaker 1 That one right there, what with the girl?

Speaker 3 What was that? I don't know. Oh, that's with my

Speaker 1 lately?

Speaker 3 No, that's my ex-girlfriend.

Speaker 1 Oh, well, then why'd you have me bring that up?

Speaker 3 That was weird.

Speaker 1 That was weird that you did that. Why is that up there? Well, it's just on the internet.
I'm just saying so much nudity. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's the same as yours.

Speaker 1 It's all performance.

Speaker 3 It's not like when you say, when people go,

Speaker 1 he gets to be aware of the words. Mine was.

Speaker 1 Okay, this was unexpected. Look at

Speaker 1 Tom Green's Green's face. This is the difference.
Mine was for a scene on a show that they asked me to be naked for. You did this voluntarily.

Speaker 1 Tom Green, look at Tom Green, has no fucking idea,

Speaker 1 no fucking idea you were going to get naked. Not even, and that, to surprise the My Bum is on your lips guy is fucking mind-blowing.
The guy who's to wake up his parents and beat the shit out of them.

Speaker 1 Look at the shock on his face. Mind-blowing.

Speaker 1 You're a nudist. I'm not saying it's wrong.
I'm saying you're a nudist, whether you like it or not. You're a nudist.
You're an exhibitionist. You enjoy being nude.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So I said, there's the guy who gets naked at the comic store. Also, that's fair.
Also,

Speaker 1 he's very funny. Turn it off.
Look at me.

Speaker 3 Turn it off.

Speaker 1 The viewers need to see that.

Speaker 1 I said, that guy is very fucking funny. I think you made me laugh before we became friends.
Hey, do you want to have, can we have a segment and I I can bring up Andres Urocende to do his stand-up?

Speaker 1 Yes. What do you call him again?

Speaker 3 Fancy Beaner.

Speaker 1 Fancy B, baby.

Speaker 1 Oh, look at that.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit. Hey, baby boy.

Speaker 1 Hello, guys.

Speaker 1 How you doing? You look great. Look at that sweater.

Speaker 1 That sweater is such a cute sweater. I like this.
Wait, will you model that sweater for us for a second?

Speaker 1 Put your hands on your hips.

Speaker 1 Nice. Wow.

Speaker 1 Does your eight-year-old need a new sweater this season?

Speaker 1 That's so great.

Speaker 1 That sweater is wonderful. It's like all the colors that got rejected by all the Skittles, like the ones they threw out.
Like Bill Cosby wouldn't even wear that sweater.

Speaker 1 All right, here we go. Get ready.
You ready? Hey, everybody.

Speaker 3 My name is Rich McGivens. Welcome to the LOL, LOL, LOLL Cafe here in Nashville, Tennessee.
And we got a guy coming up here. This is his first time.
He's from Spain.

Speaker 3 His name is Andres.

Speaker 1 Give him a round of applause everybody.

Speaker 10 Hey, thank you guys.

Speaker 10 So glad to be here.

Speaker 10 So you guys know that Pornhub is giving away its premium subscription for free this season due to the pandemic. But porn is free.
Thanks, Pornhub, hop, but I already came.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 10 346 people in South Korea turned to religion during looking for answers during this coronavirus crisis and packed a little tiny church. They all got infected.
So what do they learn?

Speaker 10 That the virus is also Christian.

Speaker 1 My God, so bad.

Speaker 1 More, more, more.

Speaker 1 Okay, there we go.

Speaker 10 The media is going crazy after that Trump 8 called the coronavirus the cool flu.

Speaker 10 But why? For now on, I want all my diseases to have kickat names, like the sumovaria, the caratevola, gigots,

Speaker 10 taekwondo down syndrome, and of course, the MMA.

Speaker 1 Did you say Taekwondo Down syndrome? Holy shit.

Speaker 1 Andreas is going to get canceled. It's so fun.
I know.

Speaker 10 So during this time of economic struggle, most people don't know the difference between a recession and a depression. So I'm going to break it down for you guys.

Speaker 10 A recession is a business cycle where there is a general decline in economic activity. A depression is what pussy ass losers like Cantino go through sometimes of the year.

Speaker 1 Wow!

Speaker 1 Wow!

Speaker 1 taking

Speaker 1 shots. Fucking good job.
Fired. More of that, please.
Wow.

Speaker 1 You little fuck.

Speaker 1 You're a little bitch, dude. I'm going to beat the shit.

Speaker 1 Let him finish. Okay, finish.
Sorry. Go ahead.

Speaker 10 Okay, so

Speaker 10 all men in my family lose their hair early. You know, I started losing my hair

Speaker 10 in my head before I had

Speaker 10 hair in my balls. So recently, my wife told me to go and fix the problem.
So I went to a doctor and she told me that I have to put a foam every night in my hair and take a pill every day.

Speaker 10 Only some minor side effects. She told me like, oh, nothing to worry about.
You'll, you know, you'll get your hair back, but you'll lose your sexual appetite as long as you take the pill.

Speaker 10 So I asked him like, you know, how long do I have to take the pills?

Speaker 1 He told me for as long as you want the hair.

Speaker 10 so as you guys might notice, I'm going bold.

Speaker 1 Was that a monologue? Was that a one-man play?

Speaker 1 Is John Leguizamo directing this?

Speaker 1 This is a character.

Speaker 1 There's a character. This is a character.
It's all set up. It's all set up.
Okay. Next joke.
Next joke.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 10 Trump continues to call COVID-19 the Chinese virus.

Speaker 10 When asked what he was, you know, so adamant about what the virus originated, he said, oh, I like my viruses, like I like my violence, domestic.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Bob, encourage him.

Speaker 1 This is good. Andreas, keep going.
I love it. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 10 I can't see Bob's face, but I imagine that he's encouraging me from there.

Speaker 1 Dude, he's dying laughing.

Speaker 10 Okay, a lot of fans got mad at Santino because last week he made a fun of cats and cat people.

Speaker 10 Do you know that living with cats may cause a disease called toxoplasmosis? It makes you guys lose your sense of humor.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Next one. I like it.

Speaker 3 If you don't laugh, it's funnier.

Speaker 1 All right, we're not going to laugh now. Andre, sell the joke.
Sell it. Sell it.
Here we go. Okay.
Out of a work, out of work.

Speaker 3 Don't laugh.

Speaker 1 Don't laugh.

Speaker 10 Out-of-work strippers in Portland have started a new food delivery service called Boberins. Well, they deliver the food to your door half naked.
Fantastic. I haven't been breastfed since I was 10.

Speaker 1 Okay,

Speaker 1 my last one.

Speaker 10 Promise I love you guys alone.

Speaker 10 The stock market is yo-yoing up and down to the new stimulus package. Coincidentally, stimulus package is how I call my penis.
And let me tell you, everybody's going to get it.

Speaker 1 Yay!

Speaker 1 Throwback, Joe.

Speaker 1 You know, that's called a callback. We call that a callback.
Andres, thank you so much. Why don't you give us a sign-off? Say something vulgar in Spanish to sign us off.
Go ahead.

Speaker 1 Ciao. Ciao.

Speaker 3 I didn't understand what he was saying, but it was pretty good.

Speaker 1 It was really good. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, before we go, Bob, I want to spray you down one more time before you go home. No, no, no, close your eyes.

Speaker 1 There you go. It's all natural.

Speaker 1 You feel good? Lavender. Look in the camera and let them know.
Thank you you for being

Speaker 1 a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Nice.