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When I was there fighting them fucking Koreans, I got to tell you, I came down from a tough chopper mission. One of them little nice Korean birds, she fed me some, what she called was taco.
She said taco. Here, sir.
Yeah, what's that?

You hungry?

Starving.

What is that?

This is meatloaf.

Oh, meatloaf.

I love me some fucking meatloaf.

Thank you so much.

What's your name?

Gyeong.

Oh, nice to meet you, Gong.

All right.

I'm going to have some of this meatloaf.

God.

Damn.

What?

You know what you're in?

What?

Skippy.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

You son of a.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Thank you.
You know what you're in? What? Skippy. Oh, you son of a bitch.
You son of a... We're bad friends.
It's the end of the world as we know it. It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the end of the world as we know it. And I feel fine.
We're back. We're back.
We're back. We're back.
Thank God. Thank God we're back.
Because I haven't left the house in five fucking days, brah. Kalilah kept you in general.
She acts like it's 1939 Poland. Don't go outside.
They'll see you. Hide under the floorboards.
Is it the Germans? The Germans are here, though. It's...
I know. George is a Nazi with 100%.
She's like Sarah Connor. It's like shotgun, you know what I mean? And the blue apron guy comes up the driveway, right? She's like, leave it at the gate! Yeah, that's what she's doing.
It's what she's doing. It's out of control.
And you're freaking out. She's acting cray cray.
Are you getting any sleep? No sleep. Yeah, it's like, she's acting like it's the end of the world.
Look at your gloves, by the way. Lift up.
Let's just show the camera why. Look at how dirty that is.
Yeah, it's all corona. It's all corona.
Did you see the girl licking the toilet seat on the airplane? I hope she dies. Did you watch that? Yeah, it's dumb.
It's un-fucking-real. It's unreal.
I have to say this, too, and I hope I don't get in trouble. You don't have to say something that's going to get me in very big trouble.
So I had a conversation with our dear friend, Eric Griffin, which is a dear friend friend of mine he's like one of my best friends if like you know he's like a brother yeah is he not yeah so we're talking today on the phone he's like i'm like yeah i'm worried because i smoke i'm getting older i'm 48 he's like and i go i once the coronavirus hits me i think i'm gonna be one of those of those casualties. He goes, yeah, definitely, dude.
You for sure. He's like, me? I've been taking vitamins.
And I'm, you know what I mean? Does he think mac and cheese are vitamins? You know, because me, I'm fine. I'm taking my hormone pills, my vitamins.
I go, if I die, Eric, you're going to die. All right? As soon as coronavirus hits your body, blood's going to squirt out of your black titties.
Chocolate blood. Chocolate blood's going to squirt out.
And his eyes are going to roll back. He's going to go into convulsions.
He's going to die instantaneously. Eric Griffin, I love you, bro.
But don't tell me that you're fucking Carl Lewis because you're not. All right? If you die, he dies.

He's Fat Lando.

By the way, that's why I did this.

You can see my facial hair.

This is because Eric shaved his...

Did you see Eric with his...

Did you see this?

Yeah.

Let's show our viewers.

I know.

Eric Griffin shaved his mustache

for those that haven't seen it.

Okay, first of all,

this has been Eric since I've known him.

Yeah.

He's had a mustache since I've... Since 1932, I've known him.
Yeah. He's had a mustache since I've-

Since 1932, he's had that fucking mustache.

Since 1932, he's had a mustache.

And now, I think it's got to be maybe on his Instagram.

He shaved his mustache,

and I look at this motherfucker with no upper lip.

Oh my God.

No upper lip.

Look, that's thinner than mine.

Yeah, you know why?

He forgot the reason why he grew it in the first place

Is to hide the ugly

Right?

When you grow a fucking thick mustache like that

Is to hide something

Well you have to

Yeah yeah

Look at that

Brad Williams

What did your coronavirus do to your mustache?

Oh we love you Eric

No he knows we love him to death

I just can't believe

Look at that

Look at that nose

Look at that

It's a cartoon nose

I don't believe. Look at that nose.
Look at that. It's a cartoon nose.
Look at those nose hairs are really trying to poke out, huh? Yeah, like Disney animation made that nose, folks. Right? That's like from somebody's imagination.
Yeah, it's bad. It's bad.
What did you, do you guys go, did you do grocery shopping or no? We're getting everything delivered, Amazon, you know, delivery. Yeah.
You know, and then, so the other day I go, I want chips. Just get me whatever kind of chips, right? Yeah.
She fucking orders these fucking hemp, kale, seed chips. Bitch, I want Doritos.
Bitch, I want Doritos.

That's the new ad campaign.

Bitch, I want Doritos.

I want nacho cheese, bitch.

Is that what you get?

Nacho cheese?

Whatever, man.

It's like she's getting all the stuff that she would eat.

You know what I'm saying?

Like shit that she, like healthy.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

If we're going to, in this apocalypse, if we're going to die, give me Twinkies.

Yeah, let me eat. Let me eat it.
Dude, we did that. I went shopping went shopping I bought the shit I never There's six things of mac and cheese in my fridge There's four With the Kraft? Yeah Oh my god Don't fuck with it dog There's four There's four Whatever Let's move on Let's move on No no But why can't I think of I have no idea because you're making it up let's move on no we went grocery shopping yesterday we bought we bought mac and cheese I bought big bags of beef jerky I really like beef jerky oh shit dog I love beef jerky yeah yeah oh that's what I bought that's what it was Ruffles I was trying to think of the name of the brand Ruffles Chips oh but I bought sour cream and cheddar which are her favorite yeah my old bag's favorite I bought all dressed which is Canadian do you know all dressed you don't know all dressed holy fuck do you guys know all dressed all dressed is the most popular brand in Canada it's sea salt and vinegar barbecue sauce it's like combining both of those chips it just seems like something that white people would like it is that's what we invented almost everything so i'm gonna pass on it you're gonna what kind do you want fish sauce chips and then when you said earlier before the cameras were on um i said we're hunkering down we're making stuff and you just said out of the blue you said dog why would you say that because you said we're making we're making stuff at the out of the blue i just said dog i know but no as a term of endearment like my dog no you're my bud i don't think that what is i did see the video i did i did see a video this morning a girl sent me what of them cooking a live dog in china oh there's videos circulating now all the fucked up shit they're doing.
You know what? It's like... You know, you've heard of the Yulin Dog Eating Festival? Yeah.
What the fuck? What did you place when you were over... What did you place? Were you first or second? Third.
Third? I took a bronze. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because I wouldn't eat the pit bull. You wouldn't? No, no, no.
Just too angry? Too much. Yeah, you don't want that kind of energy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like Yorkshire Terriers.
Oh, are they good? So tender. What's the softest dog? Let me say something right now.
Yorkshire Terrier puppy, it's like sashimi. Is it really? If you kill a newborn Yorkshire Terrier, right, and you just slice, when it's alive, preferably.
Well, you can't kill them first because if you kill them, the muscles get tight. Right.
So you just have to like, while they're alive, you slice open the belly. They make a sound.
What is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck over here.
They make a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you just slice open like the belly meat. Oh, my God.
That's right. You drink the blood? Yes, I do.
Of course I do, man, because I'm a warrior.

But my point is this, is that we don't do that.

I have three dogs at home, and I love them more than other humans.

So that bit we just did was a joke.

It was a joke.

You know, dogs can't get it.

Good.

They confirm dogs can't get corona.

What about cats?

What about cats?

Huh?

Cats.

I don't really care about cats, even a little bit.

They can get it.

In fact, I hope every cat gets it. Okay.
I can get it. In fact, I hope every cat gets it.

Okay, I want to say this right now.

I hope every cat gets Corona.

You know what it is?

I hope they're walking around all limping like...

You view cats like Asians.

It's the same fucking impression, you fuckface.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

I want to see videos of cats online with Corona. Yeah, yeah.
Just their little leg. And they're coughing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking hate them.
Here's the thing you don't know about cats, though. Go ahead.
Did you ever live with one? No. Okay.
I would never. But that's how I...
Dude, so when I... Okay, so here's the deal, bro.
When I met Kalilah, I was the type of guy that if I saw any animal, you know what I mean, I would speed up. To hit it.
To hit it. I didn't give a fuck.
A dog, I don't give a fuck, right? You want to kill the animal. Because I never – no, it's not that.
It's just I never knew the bond that you could have with an animal. That's right.
When you're not raised with it necessarily, you're not going to really care, right? So what happened was I met Kalilah, my girlfriend, on the Tinders, and she – I spent the night at her house one night, and we had – she had a cat named Ming. But it was a kitten.
It was about this small. And I slept on her bed and Ming would sleep on my shoulder.
And I just wanted to grab it and just squeeze the life out of it. And kill it? I don't know.
I just didn't like him. Okay.
Right? But then one day, Kalilah went out of town and I was living on Beach on Beachwood. And she goes, can you take care of Ming for a week?

I go, it's not going to be alive by the time you get home.

And I don't know what happened, but Ming, one day I came home,

and she was just sitting there, and she goes, yeah, welcome home.

And I fucking fell in love with this thing, man.

She's like, I love Ming more than most of my cousins. Like, if my cousin Andy died.
Who are also named Ming. Yeah, if my cousin Andy died.
Just listen to me, man. Yeah, I am.
You're my other cousin. Tell me if Andy died.
Call me. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, me.
Hello? Hey, Bob.

What's up, dude?

Why are you so sad?

Oh, man.

You want to bury this.

Right?

You want to bury this.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, what happened?

Andy died.

What?

Yeah, Andy died.

Andy died? All right. Okay, well, I'll talk to you later, okay? Okay.
Hang up? Yep. PlayStation.
Nothing changed. Right in the – no, I would probably have tears, but I would still play – like, think about them.
You're going to stop the game. Yeah, I'm not going to stop the game.
But if Ming died, I would be devastated for years to come. So Ming is going to die.
And I'll be devastated. If any of my cats, I have three cats, if any of them die, I love them so much.
And the thing is that you just don't know. No, I know cats.
You don't know? I don't like them. I don't trust them.
They don't greet you the same when you come home. My dog is at the door, wagging her tail.
She's so excited to see me when I come home. Gunoner is waiting for me.
My middle cat is waiting for me at the door. And where are the other two? The other two are- In hiding.
They're not hiding, but they're relaxing, bro. They're two different fucking things, bro.
All they do all day is relax. Can you play fetch with a cat? Oh, no, you can play other things.
What? You can do the fucking laser. Oh, okay.
That's fun as well, friend. Cats are always, it's always a fat guy's best friend.
You can laser from your fat couch. No, and also- You can do one of the dangly things it hits.
No, no, no. Also, cat, you fucking, you don't know nothing about cats.
Here's the thing. You don't have to take it for a walk.
Did you know this too? It's like, cats are the thinking man's animal. And it poops inside.
Did you know that men who love cats are more college-educated and smarter than the— Where did that statistic come from? Look at the stats. Look at the stats, bro.
Look at Marlon Brandow. Marlon Brandow, bro, loved cats.
Yeah, what about him? Yeah. Sir Patrick Stewart.
Picard. Captain Picard.
He loves cats, bro. Okay.
Yeah. He loves Earl Grey too, dude.
There's plenty of smart guys that love dogs. Yeah, but just statistically smarter people like cats.
I'm not buying into this. Google it.
You're so fast at fucking Googling shit. Google it, fucker.
How could you... What would I search? Tell me what would I search.
George, what would you search? What could I even search? Average intelligence of cat owners.

Average intelligence of cat owners.

Versus dog owners.

Versus dog owners. Oh, we're going to get the dumbest results out of you.

Yes, this is going to be some bullshit.

The research revealed that the owners of the two animals have different personalities.

Cat lovers being more sensitive and open-minded than dog loggers who are largely energetic.

That's right, Carroll University in Wisconsin.

Cat owners scored highly

on intelligent than dog owners.

There we go.

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bong, bong, bong.

Yeah, but they also...

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bong, bong, bong.

Bing, bing, bong, bong, bong, bong.

Right.

But also...

There we go.

But also...

And more sensitive

and what open-minded.

That's what I told you

about Bill O'Reilly earlier, dude.

You're a closed-off, angry man. off angry man fact fact oh look at this uh a study by carol university also found that people who like cats in general tend to be total fucking losers look at that says that right in the study it doesn't say that if you're more introverted and sensitive maybe you're more at home reading a book and your cat doesn't want to go outside for a walk.
I just want to read a book and not go walk. No.
Get outside, you fat, lazy piece of shit. Yeah.
Get outside. Yeah.
Go outside. Take a walk.
You know what you are, dude? Yeah. In the movie.
Look at me right now. Stop fucking putting your fingers on that fucking thing.
You know what you are, bro? Yeah. Have you ever seen the movie War of the Worlds? Mm-hmm.
You're the kind of guy that as soon as that thing fucking hit, right, that you're going to go investigate the crater. And then the machine comes out of the earth and you're going to get evaporated.
Guys like me, dude? Yeah. We're in the house petting our fucking little fucking, you know, kitten.
Yeah. Right? And we're alive.
No. Yeah, you're angry? Yeah.
You need anger management therapy. I would love to see how many people that fight in the armed services are cat people versus dog people.
The people that defend this fucking country. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
I'd love to see how many of them. You're a grunt.
are cat people. That's fine.
None. You know why? Because they're grunts and they're angry.
Because somebody needs to be on the front line doing the aggressive, let's get outside, let's attack the day. Instead of just...
That's you.

No, it's not me.

This is me, dude.

Right, this?

Pipe.

Smoking jacket.

Fire, right?

Cat on my fucking thing.

That's what I am, bro.

You fucking idiot.

You guys are fucking animals, bro.

That's why you like dogs. I like dogs.
Dogs are the best. They that the best But actually Since I have three dogs and three cats I love both Because I am both You're just one dimensional I'm just a dog And you're a cat and a dog I have combinations I'm very more evolved You're more well rounded I'm just a dog.
Yeah. And you're a cat and a dog.
I have combinations. Right.
Right.

I have all... I'm very more evolved.

You're more well-rounded.

What does that mean?

You're more well-rounded than I am.

Yeah, rounded?

You're much more well-rounded than I am.

Yeah, because I'm fat?

What?

Because I'm circular in shape?

That's not what I said.

Okay.

Anyway, I love my cats.

Look, I don't hate cats. This has all been a bit...
I don't want any inside of my house. I don't like hair.
I don't like hair, and I don't like that they poop inside. In a litter box.
That's fine. Disgusting.
It's inside your house. Well, anyway, let's move on from it.
You clean it? Yeah, of course I clean it, you fucking idiot. Okay, so why not just do it outside? What I did was I created a fucking cat door.
And I have an extra compartment outside that's enclosed that they pee and poo. You can't smell it.
So they go outside. In like a shack that I had built.
Okay. That I'm cool with.
Yeah. And that's what I did.
I love that. You have to.
I think if you don't have thumbs, you have to poop outside. That's poop outside That's my rule Oh really You're so If you don't have thumbs You have to poop outside That's my rule Anywho My buddy Mark has no thumbs I can't believe I make him poop outside in the yard Anywho Anywho Last Thursday Yeah Was crazy because So I call my agents Wednesday You and I go – because I'm going to Denver.

And I go, I don't think I should go.

And you know your agents.

You should go, Bobby.

No one else is canceling.

They want to make money.

No one is canceling.

Go.

You have to go.

And I go – because you sold out the rooms, six shows.

Yeah, you should do the shows.

And you got to do it. And I'm like thinking, I don't know.
This could get crazy. I should make the rooms, you know, six shows.
Yeah, you should do the shows. And you got to do it.

And I'm like thinking, you know, I don't know if this could get crazy.

I should make the money, right?

So I fly over there and it's really one of the best comedy clubs ever.

Yeah.

The Denver Comedy World.

I can't talk good enough.

I can't talk any more good about it.

It don't really me either.

It's one of the best.

It's just structurally the staff.

Everything there works perfect.

Everything about it is perfect. Yeah.
But so I do the first show show but you know how it's set up when you're on the stage and the audience is around you well they're on the stage they're on the stage with you yeah they're pretty much so it's like it's weird it's not as if you're like levitated above them and there's a gap you're like amongst them so as soon as i walked out there i was like this it didn feel right you get nervous not just nervous it was just like what the fuck am I doing and then in between shows Kevin Christie and I in my opener by the way our MC there Georgia was amazing but anyway Georgia I forgot her last name Brooks? I don't know she's great is she a local in Denver? yeah okay I don't know yeah and I turned to Kevin I a local in Denver? Yeah. Okay.
I don't know. Yeah.
And I turned to Kevin. I go, we got to get out of here.
And especially this is that they were refunding tickets. Understandably.
Yeah. But then I'm like, if you're refunding the tickets, then I'm not going to make any money.
You're going to lose money. Yeah.
A lot of it. Right? So then I just kind of went, I'm fucking out of here.

But it's crazy the fact that I even went out there in the fucking first place.

Dude, I'll give you that.

So I just got back from Chicago.

I canceled my show.

This is the craziest part.

The governor, Pritzker, or the mayor or whatever of Chicago, Pritzker said, venues with 250

or more, they highly suggest, this was then, highly suggested not doing a show.

I get a call from my agent and they're like, Live Nation says they're okay with you doing it. It's up to you.
So they put it on my shoulders to do the show. And Dahlia Hall is like 600, something like that, just around six.
And I said, okay, so I'm doubling the rule already. You sold out? Yeah.
And I was like, I'm doubling. It was.
It was actually sold out way earlier and I should have done two shows. But.
Whoa. Fancy.
But I, but they put it on me and I was really upset. Genuinely, I'm not joking around.
I was like actually mad pacing in my mom's living room because I was like, well, this is going to be my fault if I do the show and something bad happens. If a few people come get sick they're gonna write in the fucking in the tribune andrew santino decides to put on a show despite what's going on right in the city of chicago right because all the other theaters are closed down the bars and clubs were already starting to close down so then i was like well it's on me so then i canceled i put out a fucking thing on facebook being like hey i'm sorry i i can't do this like just can't.
And most people are supportive because they get it. It's so funny that some people are like, oh, way to succumb to the fucking media.
Yeah. You're like, are you out of your fucking mind? I know.
And by the way, watch what you're saying now at this point forward. Huh? Because you're going to, because there are people out there that believe that this is a liberal agenda and that the fake news which is CNN, MSNBC They're fucking morons.
What? I said watch what you're saying! If you think this is fake, you're a fucking moron. This is real.
I know, but just ease. If you think this is fake, you're a fucking moron.

No.

No?

It's what you're saying. Anyway – People are mistaking the fact that we didn't cancel shows because we wanted to cancel the shows.
We canceled shows because you feel like you might be putting other people in danger or in harm's way, and I don't want be responsible for other people being put in harm's way yeah so that's why i did it it has not and by the way if you think we want to cancel shows and lose money what the fuck our three months of both of our tours are done that's our livelihood so it's not like i'm like yeah fuck them i don't care i'd rather just chill dude the i want to do the opposite i. I want to be in Boston right now.
I want to be fucking in Cincinnati next weekend. That's not, that's my biggest problem is people online saying shit, making it up that it's not real.
It's not only that, it's that people don't realize that I'm not D'Elia. Who is that? I'm not Chris D'Elia or Whitneyney cummings i don't have that kind of money right so i rely on going on the road and making money i need to do it yeah right yeah you know and so i mean i'm i'm so happy for the two i just mentioned and they're very good people and you know they deserve you know i mean but i don't like either i know but i need to go out there and I rely on road money to survive.
And so it's not an easy decision.

No. I don't like either of them.
I know, but I need to go out there and I rely on road money to survive. And so it's not an easy decision to go, I'm going to go home.
Yeah. Yeah.
But I think in light of what's happening, listen, this thing probably isn't going to kill anyone in this room. But studies say that – God, I hope that doesn't – I mean imagine.
Why did you say that? Because now they're going to use this loop at our funeral. It probably isn't going to kill someone in this room and then that soft music kicks in.
It's the fancy beaner that's going to die. Am I going to get canceled from saying that? No.
You said fancy in front of it.

Because Spanish people are fancy beaners. Yes.
You know what I mean? Spanish people. They don't drink coffee.
They drink the ones with the little ones. The espresso.
And he goes, espresso. I am drinking espresso.
When I came in, he was whittling his own shoes. That's how he's, you know that? Yeah.
They're really talented really talented those guys but they say that like young

people that get coronavirus they lose 20 of their lung function you told me that but i'm only functioning on 20 lung functions as it is so if i get it i'll have zero lung function yeah i'll die immediately in both lungs or is it just in one lung i don't know but like a bel a Belgian doctor was analyzing young patients that had the coronavirus and he said the results are fucking terrifying. I know.
I saw some of the x-rays online. You can look up some of the x-rays online of people that are getting it.
It's creepy as fuck. Yeah.
And they show what it looks like in your lungs, kind of like how pneumonia looks kind of creepy in your lungs. And the reason why we're acting accordingly is because it's not because I believe that I'm going to die from it.
I just don't want to pass it on to an older person. I don't want someone else to die.
It's like you don't want to be carrying this thing and just like making other people sick, right? So let's do our due diligence, right? And just kind of be – the fancy African-American actor from England got it.

Let's try to get there together.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah.

His first name rhymes with –

Ejai Abu.

Childress.

Sounds like Childress.

I don't know.

Idris?

Idris?

What's the last name?

Sounds like Felba.

Idris Felba.

Sounds good. Childress.
Sounds like Childress. I don't know.
Idris? Idris? What's the last name?

Sounds like Felba.

Idris Felba.

Sounds like it. Oh, Idris Elba.

Bam.

That's Idris Elba.

Idris Elba got it.

The fancy English African-American.

Him.

Yeah, I mean, actor got it.

Who else got it?

First of all, he's an American first.

He's an American.

He's not an African-American.

He's an American. But he's from England.
Yeah's not an African-American. He's an American.

But he's from England. Yeah.
So he's

actually an English-African-American. Yeah, okay.

He's an American-African-American. My bad.

My bad. I don't know much about him.

Great actor, though.

Loved him on Cats. Tom Hanks and his wife.

Cats won the best movie of the year.

I bought it. I'm going to watch it tonight.

It's so good. I'm not kidding.

It's one of the best movies I've ever seen. I can't wait to watch it.

Cats is amazing. Okay.

Maybe now I like Cats. Okay.

Thank you. I bought it.
I'm going to watch it tonight. It's so good.
Yeah, I can't wait to watch it. I'm not kidding.
It's one of the best movies I've ever seen. I can't wait to watch it.
Cats is amazing. Okay.
Maybe now I like Cats. Okay.
I take it all day. Yeah.
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, his wife. Yeah.
These are all the famous people that got it. Oh, here's a guy that you don't even know, but it hit my brother and I hard.
Mikel Arteta. Who's Mikel Arteta? Mikel Arteta.
So I don't know if you guys know this, but I love soccer. Oh.
Oh. Okay.
And all my life I've been obsessed. How do you spell Mikel? I don't even know how to spell that.
M-I-K-E-L. Arteta.
He has it? Yeah. Poor Mikel Arteta.
Sorry. Keep going.
There is Mikel Arteta right there. So Mikel Arteta was a midfielder for Arsenal.

Arsenal is my favorite team of all time. God, he's good looking, eh?

Yeah, and Mikel Arteta is now the manager of Arsenal FC.

Right.

And he has it.

Wow.

And he's the coach.

How come it doesn't say that he has it on any of these?

Mikel Arteta, coronavirus.

I think it would pop up if he had it.

Just fucking say coronavirus.

I don't know, man. I feel like that would be the first thing that would come up, don't you think? Coronavirus update as Arsenal boss sends.
He's doing better. He's in recovery.
He's in recovery. God damn, he's fucking good looking.
Look at that guy, dude. He's very good.
I'd suck a fart out of his ass. He played for Everton, but now he went to Arsenal, and now he's the man.
He's very talented. Why do you think so many soccer players are so much better looking than other athletes? Because they have to use only their feet.
That doesn't matter, though. Yeah, because in football, you have to use your head.
Okay, what about basketball? How come they don't have to use... You know what I think? It's because these men are proportionally sized.
That's not what it is. These guys aren't big guys.
And the bigger you get, the more weird you look. It's either the bigger you get or the tinier you get, the weirder you look.
Let me talk. Go ahead.
All right. You have to understand that in Europe.
Here's what I really think about the whole thing now. I think I.
Fuck. Go ahead.
Hold on. I need a drink.
Drink it again. You have to understand that in Europe, right?

In America, if you're an athlete, you're a young man, right? You dream of being either in basketball, baseball, football. There's so many options for you, right? But in Europe, the number one sport is soccer.
The whole world. But in Europe, too.
so you have to understand that most people kids growing up that are athletic

they all go into soccer. So they're getting not only the best athletic people in soccer, but then you're getting also good-looking people as well.
Why would that correlate to... That still doesn't make sense.
Just because you're the best athlete, you're still not proving the point. Why would they be the best looking just because they're the best athletes? There is no direct correlation between the best athletes.
It just so happens that many people in soccer – you want my guess? And I bet you old fancy B over there can tell us. Say it.
Because I said it. I want you to get canceled too.
No, because I'm white. Oh, right.
You can do it. Fancy B.
We'll call you that. Fancy B.
Yeah, yeah. Fancy B knows that a lot of the Spanish that get their kids,

they're a lot of money right a lot of money and you know money looks money money and looks have this thing that come together that's right now they're you and i are that good looking we didn't our parents don't have a lot of money people that are rich usually are good looking and they have good looking kids because they fuck people they're also good looking yeah. If you are of this small ilk of people that are rich and good looking and have athletic genes, because usually that's what comes along with good looks, then you make Mikel Arteta.
I bet you his parents are fuckable too. Look at Freddie Youngberg.
We're just going to be jerking off the soccer guy. Freddie Youngberg is an ex-Arsenal player too.
Freddie, oh, Youngberg. Yeah, Youngberg.
This guy, even bald, he's fucking handsome. Yeah, but look at a young.
No, but I'm saying even bald, he's good looking. That was my point.
When he was young though, oh my fucking God. Right there, huh? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, good look at that guy. Look at his fucking joyline.
Suck my dick. Yeah.
Suck it. His joy line.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's so many.
You're right. Ronaldo's handsome.
Cristiano Ronaldo isn't handsome. He is gorgeous.
Big difference. He's gorgeous.
Yeah. Handsome guys are like Jon Hamm is handsome.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Cristiano Ronaldo is fucking stunning. That guy drips sex.
Yeah. I'm not kidding, dude.
I'm not gay at all anymore. I got rid of it.
Yeah. I'm going to show you something.
I'm not kidding. When I see Ronaldo on TV, I get why some people feel gay sometimes.
Yeah. He's fucking hot.
Yeah. His hair is nice.
His smile. His eyes are cute.
Imagine what his butt looks like. Who? Ronaldo? Imagine what his naked butt looks like.
No cellulite. A perfect crest between his thigh and his tush.
But I'm going to give you— You can get it, Ronaldo. But I'm going to say this, though.
Soccer players, too, right? Mm-hmm. The extreme opposite could happen as well.
Yeah, there's some really foggles. There was a guy for Everton.

He was the manager of Everton, but then he managed Manchester United.

He also played.

His name is David Moyes.

Bring it up.

Put young David Moyes.

Young David Moyes?

Yeah.

M-O-Y-E-Z?

M-O-Y-E-S.

Young David Moyes.

There he is.

Just get the first photo.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck, it's me.

Oh, fuck, it's me.

So that can happen as well.

Right, but that's rare.

No, it's not.

I can name you so many ugly fucks.

Is he British, though?

He's Scottish.

Same thing.

Same with the UK.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But that's why.

This is how I knew he was Scottish. This right here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh,'s why.
This is how I knew he was Scottish. This right here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, the mouth.

I just got a tooth from teeth.

I just got me tooth from teeth.

Yeah, they're bad with that shit over there.

And I'm not saying they don't do that.

Brits and Scots aren't like that anymore, by the way.

They've advanced fucking.

But back then, yeah, that was the old joke.

Like, Brits have bad teeth.

Guess what?

They did.

They had fucking terrible teeth.

And look at the skin.

Vampire skin.

Vampire skin. They don't sleep.
But here's my biggest thing is the difference of – look at this. Rudy Gobert.
Who's that? He's an NBA player that got it, that got the stuff, that got the corona. He's's just a, he's fine.
He's fine. Yeah, that's fine.
He's fine. That's average.
Yeah. But there's a lot of NBA players because- Let me ask you this.
The bigger they get, the more goonier you, you naturally look goony. You look unorthodox.
Like, look at right there. Like, this is a normal, Donovan Mitchell, normal looking good looking kid good looking you know why why normal

size he's probably like six four six five he's not once these guys get six ten they're like they become oh yamming yes yes maybe the ugliest guy to ever play in the fucking nba well that's a stretch yamming is by far the ugliest ugliest player look at this fucking this thing was made in a lab.

Yeah.

This guy was made

in a fucking lab.

You fucking asshole, dude.

Yao Ming's a good dude. ugliest player.
Look at this fucking, this thing was made in a lab. Yeah.

This guy was made in a fucking lab.

You fucking asshole, dude.

Yao Ming's a good dude.

He was made in a lab.

There's nothing good about that word right there.

Yeah, yeah.

He is kind of handsome.

You're off your fucking head.

He is kind of handsome.

Not even a little bit.

For a China?

For China!

No.

There's plenty of,

okay, what about,

uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.

I always thought though,

Jeremy Lin,

is he,

is he Chinese?

No.

What is he?

Taiwanese.

You don't even fucking,

but neither of you guys know.

But imagine,

what,

if Yao Ming didn't play fucking basketball,

what job would we have in China,

you think?

Jeremy,

Jeremy Shu Hao Lin is an American professional basketball player for the Beijing Ducks of the Chinese Basketball Association.

His background, Lininsanity.

Is it Taiwanese?

Oh, look, yeah, he was born in Torrance.

Yeah, you're probably right.

There's literally no doubt.

He's an American.

Christian family.

Yeah, he's an American.

He's an American just like me.

Look at his mom, Gi Ming and Shirley, immigrated to Taiwan.

Yeah, Taiwanese.

Bummer.

Let me ask you this.

Well, he's good looking.

This has been a gay short segment, by the way.

You know how Trump said it's a Chinese virus?

Oh, my God.

Some reporter, they said a White House staffer called it Kung Flu.

That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

The Kung Flu.

Yeah.

The Kung Flu's come over.

It's taking over.

Because I had an argument with Kalilah the other night about, you know, because I go, is Chinese virus bad? And then she's like calling it that because it's – there's a stigma to it. Is it bad for you to say it? No.
Is it bad for – because people are making a stink about Trump saying it. I know a lot of Asian actors that are just up in arms.
That's because they don't like Trump to begin with. I mean that's not – let's be real.
Yeah, but I don't – I think Chinese virus isn't as bad as people say. But then – because my argument is they called it the – hey, Fancy B, are you offended they call it the Spanish flu? No.
Because it came from fucking Spain. Yeah.
I mean it was the first reported case. Right.
That's why we called it – We called it the Spanish flu because it was from Spain.

But then Colella's argument is that, yeah, but when was the Spanish flu?

It was in 1918.

1918.

The world wasn't as woke as we are now.

I think if the Spanish flu happened now, her point is that we wouldn't call it the Spanish flu.

Yeah, the swine flu.

H1N1.

That was the bird flu and all that stuff. Yeah.
Yeah, but I know what she's saying. I think it's because people are more racially sensitive now.
It's why we don't say Oriental. Except why do they call the rugs that still? Because the rugs are from the Orient region of the country.
But if you said – you can't say Oriental food. It depends on where the food is from.
Well, if the food is from there, the Oriental region of the country. By the way, the Orient doesn't exist anymore.
So don't call it that. I don't call it that.
I'm saying, that says Oriental rug on a sign. I call it Chinaman rug.
Okay, that makes sense. Just call it Chinaman rug.
Yeah. Let's just move on.
Chinaman rug. Yeah, yeah.
Is Chinese food offensive? No, man. Of course not.
Yeah. So Chinese flu isn't either.
Chinese food from China. Chinese flu from China.
Because I think what people are up in arms about is that he has a history. Of being racist? Of using rhetoric, right, to divide.
And I think that if he was like – if it was somebody else saying it yeah it wouldn't be as i don't think as um divisive i disagree i think if any politician called it the chinese flu they would get flack for it right now for sure yeah but look it came from china it's a chinese flu i don't think it's racist and there's also if you called it the Ching Shong flu, yeah, then that would be bad. Yeah.
If it was a more slanderous term, but Chinese is a slander. I don't want to get canceled right now, but I want to propose an idea.
You've said four things that will get you canceled on this show. I know, but I've been locked up for five days.
I know, say it, baby. Let it fly.
Fuck it. Yeah, but just don't eat the just don't eat the bat i mean yeah i mean there's certain things that like you know you know as as americans right we eat indian food yeah right we eat you know i mean the things that you're supposed to eat i believe well right okay i ain't gonna eat no fucking giraffe leg yeah but that but if that's part of your culture and it's normal, then why would it be abnormal?

I don't think that – do you see them eating the live mice?

Yeah, it's crazy.

Dipping it in –

The sauce that they have is so good.

The chicken?

Yeah, but what if that's part of their culture?

It's normal.

Just go to the chicken.

What if they can't afford it?

Become vegetative.

Tofu?

Okay.

You get your protein that way?

They have whey there?

The problem is it's embedded in the culture, even the calendar.

You're of the chicken.

You're of the goat.

They love animals.

Yeah.

They love animals.

Yeah, but if you ever go to like a Chinese market in like Beijing or whatever – not Beijing, but let's go.

I would never.

Hong Kong, for instance.

Never, never going to go.

I'm pretty sure you see things there that – and I'll eat anything. I've eaten everything, right? Not bad.
Just like there's just certain things like, you know, the shoulder of a meerkat. Don't eat it.
What if it's good? You never know. That's my point is who knows? Yeah.
I'm just playing devil's advocate. I understand why people are mad that they're like, you know, because people are like, I ate a fucking bat.
Now I don't got a 401k. It's like, look, yeah, but also this is part of their fucking, it's part of their culture.
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
I mean, maybe there are things that we don't eat because we just don't know. Like, for instance, I think that we don't eat certain things because they just aesthetically look cute.

Right.

Like panda, koala.

Okay, dogs and cats.

Seriously, we don't eat them because we really like them.

And I'm going to say this too about dogs.

And because I don't – I'm not going to get canceled, but –

Make sure you get this sound bite.

But if you talk to old Korean War American vets.

My grandfather.

Right.

And they've eaten dog because at the time –

Thank you. But if you talk to old Korean War American vets.
My grandfather. Right.
And they've eaten dog because at the time. They were fed dog.
They were fed dog. Right.
And they say it's the most delicious meat they've ever had. That's what they say.
Look, my grandfather passed away, unfortunately, so I can't ask him. But I don't know.
That's what they say. They say that it's good meat.
It's tender, really good meat.

When I was there fighting them fucking Koreans, I got to tell you, I came down from a tough chopper mission.

Yeah.

One of them little nice Korean birds, she fed me some, what she called was taco.

She said taco.

Here, sir.

Yeah.

What's that?

You hungry?

I'm starving.

What is that?

This is meatloaf.

Oh, meatloaf.

I love me some fucking meatloaf.

Thank you so much.

What's your name?

Gyeong.

Oh, nice to meet you, Gong.

All right.

Have some of this meatloaf.

God.

Damn.

What?

You know what you're in?

What?

Skippy.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

You son of a...

Oh.

We're going to get fucking canceled.

Can I be serious for a second?

No jokes?

I'm being very genuine right now.

It was a tough weekend for me in Chicago because I have a family member that I'm not going to mention

that's not having a good time with life,

and it broke my heart,

and it gave me a lot of perspective on the world.

So if I can offer any advice to anybody that's listening that's trying to get through all this stuff, all the jokes that Bob and I say and all this stuff, be sure to check in with your family. And I think it's, I mean it.
Stop it. Is it because his facial hair is fucking? No, no, no.
First of all, the facial hair didn't work. Whatever you were trying to do.
It looks good. Whatever you were trying to do.
The bit that you were trying to do.

It wasn't a bit.

Yeah, you were.

You were like, before the show, I have to say this.

Before the show, right?

He was in the fucking bathroom.

I couldn't even say one sentimental fucking thing in the show.

But he was in the bathroom, and he's shaving.

He's like, I want to do a bit.

Because, you know, Andrew's into bits.

You know what I mean?

Because he thinks this is SNL.

And he goes, what do you think of this?

I didn't say I want to do a bit.

I said I was going to shave a mustache for Eric Griffin. Is this a wacky, zany bit that we could do on the program? I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? Let's fucking talk.
Fucking talk, you fucking redheaded freak. I wanted to do a mustache for Eric Griffin.
Yeah, it didn't work, whatever you were doing. It looks good.
I know, but it was silly. It is silly.
That's the whole point. You spent an hour in the fucking bathroom doing a bit that didn't work? Seven minutes I spent in there to shave my face while you had George on the phone with the fucking Wayans brothers.
All right. So here's, I want to talk about that.
Yeah. Yeah.
I want to talk about that. Yeah.
Can I finish my sentimental thing? But I might laugh. You can.
All right. Go ahead.
Finish it. Someone in my family's not doing well.
They might be dying.

Are you going to laugh?

Are you laughing at a dead family member?

I'm sorry.

I might.

Love your family.

Reach out to them. I'm not.

Start from the top.

Let's do this.

Let's do this, okay?

Honestly.

Honestly.

Because I want to know if you're really sincere. I am.
All if you're gonna do this little fucking monologue okay right you cannot be fucking smirking regardless of what i'm doing okay fine here we go right so it's like if and once you start smirking i'm gonna end it and you don't get the fucking talent fine all right so here. And I'm going to do a little setup, all right?

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

and a message from Sir...

Let me start from the top.

Well, don't fuck it up

off the jump.

I know.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

a heartfelt message

from Sir Andrew Santino.

Hi, America.

Fuck it.

Try it again.

Try it again.

That was the first.

I'll let you go.

I'll let you, right?

Ladies and gentlemen,

a heartfelt message

from Sir Andrew Santino.

Just keep going. The Chinese put us in a bad position recently I'm done You can't do it Call and text your family What happened to your family? Nothing Someone's not doing well Just call and text your family It matters What's going on with her? End of the rope I don't know Not feeling good Not doing good Did she have I'm sorry.
She's old. I'm sorry.
She's old. And it just made me check in more mentally.
I was like, oh, you should check in more with your fucking family. Do the message.
You can smile. Do the message.
No, you should check in more with your family during this time. If we take nothing from this shitty virus, it's that we should try to care about people.
Somebody had a great phrase to me. Somebody said, during the time of this virus, we'll find out who cares about their backyard as much as people care about their front yard.
I don't really understand that. Explain it to me.
It means, are you going to, are you going to try to contribute and care about other humans or are you only going to care about yourself? But what has, what's the backyard? Your backyard means because you connect with neighbors. Like, do you care about those around you and in your community? Do you care? It's a metaphor for saying like, are you going to use this? My specific backyard.
It's a metaphor. Are you going to use this time? My specific backyard though.
You don't have one. It's fenced and stuff.
You don't have one. It's fenced.
Okay. But beyond the fence, there's other people.
All right, so say beyond. Beyond the backyard.
We're going to find out during this virus whether you care about people, whether you care about your community. Don't ever use that reference again.
Just say whatever you're going to say. The phrase made perfect.
Didn't you get the fucking phrase? It's a metaphor saying, do you care about your community or do you just care about your house? It's like cleaning my side of the street when they say that. That's the same exact thing, yeah.
Do you only care about cleaning your side of the street? There we go. Okay, I understand that one.
Because you do, don't you? You only sweep your side of the street. Are you fucking out of your mind? Go away! We're crows! But that's fucking racist.
You know what's so funny?

There's a bet to see that if we'll

keep the show going. They said we'll see

how long this lasts with these two fucking goons.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

When you're on lockdown

for three days, and I fucking hate this

piece of shit. Thank you.
For three fucking

days, I was like, I can't wait for Wednesday. I can't wait for Wednesday.
Me too. See this redheader freak.
You know what I mean? If I could, I would kiss him. You know what I mean? I'd kiss you too.
Yeah, but I would. This is what, this is my whole life now.
Yeah. Is doing these.
Well, it's this and touring for me, isn't it? So now we can't tour. That's it.
Do you want to bring a little bit of light into this um episode i love light okay so last week we had andres rosende do the news which which we loved we loved it a lot of the fans uh enjoyed it a lot i want andreas to do um to do a little bit his stand-up do you want to do your stand-up bit andreas is going to do stand up for us. Okay, good.
I love it.

Are you excited?

Yeah.

All right.

We'll be right back.

Hey, everybody.

Hope you're having a great time.

I'm Mitch.

I'm the host of the show.

And welcome to the Chuckle Fuck Factory here in Wisconsin.

Try the chicken wings.

Yeah.

You know, they're new on the menu.

Anyway, man, that guy fell off the cliff. It was Zuzu Falls the other day.
It's like, you know what I mean? Anyway, that bit's not working. But anyway, our next comic, he does clubs and colleges all over the country.
He's been on BET's Comic View. He's also been on something on Nickelodeon.
I don't know. But anyway, he's from Spain.
He's a fancy bee. Anyway, it's his first time on stage.
He seems like a funny guy. My name is Mitch, by the way.
How about a round of applause for Andreas Kococzynsko?

How's it crying?

Hey.

Round of applause for Mitch. Round of applause for Mitch.
Thank you, Mitch. It's so great to be here.
Is everybody celebrating anything? All right. well you know Tom Brady announced

that he might be playing in Tampa Bay, Florida next season. Seems like a lateral move to me since like Florida is basically the New England of the South.
Racism, meth, Dunkin' Donuts. Nice.

Thank you.

Sex talk company Taboo announced a new line of vibrators with removable batteries. Finally, I'm not going to have those embarrassing moments at TSA.
and do you guys know some grocery stores are offering elderly hours for our elderly shoppers.

Putting all those gills in one spot is going to be like fishing with a gun in a barrel for me.

And you know,

Daniel Radcliffe,

a.k.a.

Harry Potter,

admitted he was drunk during the filming

of Harry Potter

and the Deadly Hallows.

I get it.

I would be blackout too

if I found Hermione

was going out

with a ginger.

Those are gross.

Hey!

You son of a bitch!

And Reese Witherspoon

opened Lily

Thank you. Out with a ginger.
Those are gross. Hey! You son of a bitch!

And Reese Witherspoon opened Lily to Vanity Fair saying, Bad things happened to her as a teen in Hollywood.

We know.

We saw election.

Okay.

That was a hit at home.

Nevada is officially closing every casino in the Vegas Strip. This will cripple the tourism industry and really hurt professional gamblers like Nick Papagiorgio.
Google Arts partnered with more than 2,500 museums to offer virtual tours online. You now can go to the Louvre in Paris, the Smithsonian's in D.C., or you can finally dive into that anime porn you've been having an eye on.
During an interview with the New Yorker, singer Fiona Apple said she quit cocaine after an excursating night with Quentin Tarantino and Paul Thomas Anderson.

I, for one, am shocked Quentin Tarantino does cocaine.

Paleontologists have discovered the wonder chicken, and it's 67 million years old. But you know what? I bet it still tastes like chicken.
Four more companies shut down all North American production during this pandemic. Well, looks like Ferrari won.
And Marvel is postponing the release of its new superhero movie, Black Widow. Of course.
I bet if it was White Widow, they would have put it on. Well, that's all for me.
Thank you. Thank you for my time.
Thank you. Over monologues either.
When I watched Carson as a kid, I loved when the guests were there. I liked it when he failed.
That was good. And he would do a golf swing.
I get that. Two more guys were arrested on the east side.
Obviously for carrying drugs. I should have called them thug drugs yeah yeah yeah I like that

part yeah he would just take a swing yeah I love that

I never understood it

yeah but I think that's just not the kind of comedy that you and I

loved anyway was late night

stuff never made me

I always loved the interviews like Letterman I only

liked the interviews I would

skip the monologue and just

wait till he because he was so

fucking good at interviewing what was the first comic

where you went as a kid you went oh i like this um i think the first comic that made me laugh hard was eddie murphy like like actually laugh yeah like delirious was so maybe laugh he was just so physical like i'd never seen, you know what I mean? Right. He also had this like rock star-y kind of thing.
He was a god. Yeah.
I'd never seen anything like it. And the first guy to make me like think, think about comedy was Carlin.
Like when I heard some of his stuff, I was like, wow, you can be funny and have kind of a point, you know, have a point beneath it. For me it was Kinison.
Yeah, really? Yeah, because Sam Kinison had a visceral kind of quality to him. Yeah.
It was like emotion and real pure. It just, I had never seen comedy.
You know, I didn't ever, you know, he didn't do your standard like set up punch. He was so far from.
He was so, to me, as I remember watching it, that Young Comedian specials with Rodney Dangerfield. Don Marrero was on it, I think.
At the store, right? No, I don't know if it was at the comedy store, but... Oh, no, no, no.
At the improv. I think it was at the improv.
It was, to me, just eye-opening, because you get to see just different styles that I've never seen, and people swearing and talking about sex in a way that I didn't think you could even say. Yeah.
It was just really, you know, I never got to meet him. But although when I did.
Who, Kinison? Kinison. But because Pauly Shore toured with Kinison, Pauly, when I was young, I was maybe 24 years old or 25 years old.
He goes, we're going to do the same tour that Sam took me on. And so we did the same exact cities that he did with Sam.
And then at the end of the tour, Pauly took me to Kinnison's gravesite. And not only that, but Carla Bow, who held Sam Kinnison's body.
body while he was dying when he was dying on that freeway in nevada carla beau became a very good friend of mine i fixed his teeth because this is when i was starting to make money and um he had a toothache and i and i took him to the dentist that's really nice yeah because but i only i mean i think retrospect, I only did that because I had such a – not obsession, but he was just such a big role model for me. And then here's what's greatest.
The greatest thing that I ever got from is there was a – Sam Kennison had a couple of sisters that used to live with him. He wasn't fucking them.
He was – they were just girls. And one of the girls – I wouldn't have thought he was fucking them.
His sisters? No, not his own sisters. There's two sisters that weren't related to him.
Dude, I thought you were like, he lived with his sisters. And he's not fucking.
It's not like he's fucking his sisters. But one of them used to hang out at the store a lot.
And she knew my obsession with Kinnison. And came to my house uh to the club and she got she she had a plastic bag and it was a sam kinnison shirt oh wow that he used to wear on stage that was never washed because you could smell the salt on it yeah right and i still have that fucking shirt you need to frame it but i will frame it yeah yeah yeah but um that's so incredible yeah so i've always had a respect for that's why i hate disrespect for like the the older generation yeah i have such respect for the older generation for people that did it before us yeah yeah even the ones that weren't even that good i'll be honest like guys i don't even well because they just they were they were like leaders i i this is um this is a fun story I'll give you this I don't think I've ever told this one this I was in I was writing like bad sketch jokes my like first year in LA with with a friend of mine at the coffee bean I don't even think it's there anymore across from the mall and um it's late and they're about to close down and uh in walks Norm MacDonald.
And the girl says to me, who I'm writing with, this girl that I worked with at a production company, she says to me, she goes, oh, yeah, you know who that is, right? And I go, holy fuck. Holy shit.
And she goes, that's the Bob Dole guy. I go, the Bob Dole guy? I would have ripped her eyes out.
I mean, I was like, it's fucking Norm MacDonald. She's like, no she's like no i know i forgot his name i was like oh god so we sit there and i'm kind of fanboying out and i'm on i'm just kind of you know like not trying to face him and he's ordering coffee and i keep kind of looking over just to like because you just want to get a glimpse because when you're up 22 i just moved to la i was like fuck holy shit it's norm mcdonald he he come he he comes near where the looks over.
She's a pretty girl, okay, and obviously doesn't see me at all, doesn't know I exist. And he's kind of trying to talk her up a little bit.
He's like, what are you guys doing? And she goes, oh, we're writing sketches. And he goes, yeah, I know a thing or two about sketches.
And both of us were like, yeah, no, we know. And I started to tell him, I'm like no it was a fan of all your sketches you know and he goes oh okay well uh i'm gonna uh i'm gonna go next door i'm gonna get a steinbeck novel uh barnes and noble there used to be a barnes and nobody he goes yeah i'm gonna get steinbeck novel i'm laughing thinking he's just making jokes and he goes i'll be back okay i'll be back and he walks out and i'm like whoa how fucking cool was that hand to god he comes back in with a steinbeck novel and sits down by us and just starts talking oh my god i swear on my life oh my god it was almost like you started a norm engine and he just wanted to talk so he just started talking and talking and talking and telling stories and i shouldn't tell it like i don't want to fuck it up but the best story he told i said what was your most like secret fun thing that happened at snl that like you know like what was some inside shit and he goes uh smigel and i robert smigel if you don't know who robert smigel is he's triumph the insult comic dog he's the voice and the genius behind that smigel's a fucking phenomenal genius writer and comedian he goes smigel and i we used to write sketches uh for tr for Tracy because we knew Tracy Morgan.
We knew Tracy, you know, he was bad in table reads. He couldn't read for shit.
You know, he was fucking stumbled through words, you know. So one time we wrote this sketch that we knew was going to tank.
Lauren hated it and we showed it to Tracy anyway because we knew he had trouble reading. He had someone helping him read.
He had bad time with S's. So he wrote this sketch about this guy who's like a gay animal handler named Brian Fellows.
Do you remember that sketch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brian Fellows? And he goes, if you look, the best part for us was it was Brian Fellows, apostrophe S, Safari Planet.
It was three S's in a row is the sketch that we pitched. So in the room, even though the sketch was bad, we knew Tracy would go, Brian Fellows, this is Brian Fellows, this is Safari Planet.
And we knew we would crush in the room. He goes, and everybody lost it.
He was like, the sketch was terrible. But Tracy would go, Brian Fellows, this is Safari Planet.
And replant yeah and Norm goes

and he goes

that is the funniest

thing we used to

fuck with Tracy

all the time

and dude

I was like

my heart was filled

with comedy warmth

this is the most wild part

again

I don't believe

that this happened

I'm

to myself

I'm going

this is a lie

you're making this up

but she's my proof

we walk out

when they finally

close the doors

after they're like

Mr. McDowell

you can stay

you know

fucking the coffee bean

kids are sitting

just listening

we all walk outside

I'm not. And he goes, ah, no, no, no, I don't want to get in the car with you.
And we start laughing. And he goes, okay, shotgun.
And he comes and runs, sits in the front seat. No.
I swear to God in my life. Oh, my God.
Her car. I'm sitting in the back seat.
And he's showing us where to go. And we drop him off at his house.
And, you know, at this complex. And he gets out.
And he kind of opens the door. And we haven't said, we didn't say anything the whole car ride.
Right. We just listened to him going, left here, right here.
And he gets out and he turns and looks in the car and all he said, he just goes, good luck or whatever and closes the door. Wow.
Yeah. That was my Norm MacDonald moment in comedy.
But he – because he was one of those guys that I was like – when he did Weekend Update, I thought – I was like that's the funniest guy to read. He was the best at that.
Yeah, because – I don't find it funny. He was the only person that I found funny in that position.
Because he didn't care. The jokes were him making a joke about the joke.
Right. I think that's what it was.
That's how funny it was. Yeah.
And after I saw him do that, I was, I thought that's the guy that can write jokes better than anybody that I, I didn't know anyone that could write a joke like that where it's like, it's really clever, it's funny, but he throws it in the trash. Do you know what I mean? It's like he wrote it, he's like, ha ha, and throws it away.
Can I tell you what happened to me where they fucked with me at Matt TV? Yeah. So back in the day, we would do a table reads on a Tuesday, but on a Monday night, they would send, they had a guide that drive to everyone's house and drive and drop off the fucking script.

Oh, yeah.

Right?

The packet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God, back in the PA days.

Back in the PA days, right?

So he would go to like 15 people's houses, right?

Oh.

But so there's this young girl named Katie Dippold.

Yeah, I know Katie Dippold.

You know Katie, right? She wrote Ghostbusters.

Bridesmaids, too.

And Bridesmaids.

Yeah, yeah.

But Katie was a writer at Mad TV.

Right. And Katie – this was the last table read we did because the show was canceled.

So she decided to do a trick.

So what she did was she wrote a sketch with Nicole Parker and Krista Flanagan, right?

And I think Johnny Sanchez was also in the sketch.

And so everyone got there.

It's only those three. But in my packet, I was in the sketch.
So everyone got there. It's only those three.
But in my packet, I was in the sketch. Right? But no one knows that I'm in the sketch.
But in my packet, in the sketch, I don't know why I'm there. My character's in there.
But basically I'm going, between their dialogue, in mine I'm saying,

I'm losing it.

And then they would do a couple of lines.

I'm snapping.

Everyone in this room is going to die soon.

And at the end of the sketch,

it's me going,

do bird noises.

You know what I mean?

And then they act like a dinosaur.

In the midst of them doing the dialogue. That's so good.
The network, the producers, no one knew. Katie did it inside, just her.
Only Katie knew. Oh, my God.
So the sketch is bombing. Of course.
Right? People are backing up from their seats, right? Because I'm saying crazy shit. Right.
Everyone's going to die. Right.
Right? And all I could see is Katie, her face red with tears, just giggling, right? Losing it. Right.
So at the end of the sketch, the room is completely silent. And I just kind of, hey, I fucked it up, huh? Because I knew that my character, I was like not getting laughs, right? Right, right.
And I should, I'm an idiot that I should have questioned like why is this guy here? Yeah, what is it? But I did it. Yeah.
And Katie let 15 seconds pass. Beautiful.
Right? And then she goes, she stood up and goes, Bobby has a different sketch and then everyone starts laughing and they have it on tape.

But I was so furious. You were mad? At first,

yeah. But then you realize it's a good joke.

It's insane. That's a fun joke.

It's a fun joke, but crazy. Yeah, but when things

are canceled like that, you have to kind of feel

you have to kind of let

stuff go because you're like, well, we're fucked.

Dude, when

me and

Griff knew I'm dying up here was just kind of like a dead end thing it was not going to come back yeah all we did was fuck around yeah i mean what can you do i know you feel it the crew is like you can hear the crew being like you know like gaffing something to being like yeah no this piece of shit ain't coming back now they say it out loud oh they a fuck. They don't give a fuck.
You're a fucking loser actor.

They're working men and women.

You are a fucking play person.

They're real people with real jobs.

So they're,

they're the first people to go,

yeah,

this thing ain't fucking,

fuck that.

We got another gig in Temecula.

So,

but fucking with Griff was what,

that was one of my favorite things to do on that show.

Yeah.

And this happened in the fucking beginning is i told a bunch of people to like stand by my stand by me because i told griff that i got a call from my agent saying that he's gonna die after the first season and i had him in a fucking sheer dude everybody was like i thought you knew like we thought it was like a No. Swear can ask him so he called his fucking agent no and panicked he was like they gonna kill me in this first season they gonna kill me you didn't tell me that yeah yeah all I did was fuck with Griff we had a this was my favorite thing this was another favorite thing everybody that knows Griff knows Griff Griff you know Griff's a hungry hungry hippo he likes to eat and he's my boy i we would have meals together all the time we got a special truck for one of the photo shoots somebody ordered that one of the uh production orders like a sometimes you get a special meal truck instead of the normal catering meal and it's always like so good and everyone's excited because it's not the normal shit that you're always getting and we're taking pictures the photographer is like She's like like, Santino and then Ari and then Jake.
And Griff's like, he's looking outside because the truck now, people are starting to go eat. Yeah.
And he's like, we're going to put, let me get mine first. Let me get mine out the way.
And the photographer is in on it with me because I've told them, I said, make him go dead last. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the photographer's like, okay, okay, okay. And you could in trouble I go just do it just say you're going to do it he goes okay man but y'all can't switch with me and everyone's like no I don't want to switch I want to fucking just do my photos and he's getting nervous he sees more people the crew is going up to the truck now all the actors now all the background is going up to the truck people are oh man these oh my God.
I run up to the truck and I go, hey, just say that you're out of chicken, shrimp, and beef. So all you have is vegetarian left.
Yo, I have it on video. I have it on my phone.
I have it on video. So Griff takes his picture.
Griff takes his pictures and he goes up to the truck and i'm hiding like a fucking i'm like 15 uh cars away i'm like in the parking lot and i'm hiding with my iphone yeah and i can you can see him kind of saunter up to the truck and you see him go to the window like this and i swear to god he just goes he goes no and he turns and he goes stay out the shrimp they have the shrimp they have the chicken they out the beef too y'all had to take your photos first I ain't got nothing I'm dying we're all eating tacos and then finally the truck guy he walks away mad he's pissed he storms away mad and the truck guy comes out he's like hey man we're just kidding we're just kidding no we have shrimp for you don't worry it was a joke from your friend and Griff is like man Santino got my Santino! Got my fucking sugar all messed up! I love it. Messing with him was the only fun thing.
In the lieu of what was happening, we had to have fun. I was so nervous of this sadness keep piling up.
I remember though when you guys were on that show and first of all, you were contractually obligated right

so you couldn't do anything else

yeah

and then you could

how many episodes

like you would have to do

like a small number

right

a year

we did 10

but they were

they were hour long episodes

so our shoot schedule

took like twice as long

as a normal TV show

right

and also

ours was a period show

so

things had to be dressed

like the 70s

so when we would shoot on location

dude it was forever

it would take forever

it's so funny because

we shut down Fairfax Boulevard from Beverly to Melrose. Wow.
In the middle of the city. Wow.
It was chaos. It was insane.
I remember when Eric Griffin and I got a call saying that Jim Carrey is doing showcases at the store. Yeah, at the store, yeah.
And I remember I got on the showcase, right? And I go, is everyone in the room? Right, so everyone's in the room. Yeah.
And I fucking destroyed. Yeah.
But in my mind, I'm like, who am I going to fucking play? Yeah. Why am I in on this? Who was the first Asian comedian that was famous back then? Was there any famous Asian comedian? Johnny Yoon.
But Johnny Yoon wasn't until the 80s? Yeah. There was no.
Oh, my God. Why am I in on this? Who was the first Asian comedian that was famous back then?

Was there any famous Asian comedian? Johnny Yoon.

But Johnny Yoon wasn't until the 80s?

Yeah.

Yeah, so not the 70s.

Yeah, not the 70s.

Yeah.

That's wild.

There was none.

But then I go, I know that the bar staff were all Asian.

They were.

I know.

Or black.

On the show, they're black, too.

Oh, they are?

Yeah.

I couldn't get it that part?

No, they gave it to black guys. So there were no Thai people? There was a Thai guy in the kitchen.
Who got that? The Thai guy that works at the store. No.
Are you being real? No. Not him.
I thought it was Hart. You know Hart.
Yeah, it was Hart. No, seriously.
It was young black dudes that bartended. that was like part of the rhetoric no because back then i because i know that mitzi and paulie had an obsession with so kirk it was all a thai staff yeah in the 70s yeah so i guess there was no part for me yeah but i mean you know can we go back to the girl though that didn't know norm mcdonald what she said you were the girl.
Yeah. She worked as a PA with me.
PA. And she goes, what'd she say about Norm? That's the guy from? No, she said, that's Bob Dole.
Oh, from SNL. When he did the sketches.
I'm Bob Dole. Yeah.
Does it annoy you when young people don't know certain things?

Well, first of all, she's a year older than me.

It annoys me when somebody in the comedy world misses a comedy thing that I think is obvious.

Yeah.

Because I'm like, how do you not know who that is?

That's like a hero of ours.

I had a Tinder date once before Kalilah.

Yeah.

And so we're driving to a restaurant and Space Oddity is playing on the radio. Oh, yeah.
What do you mean? Oh, right. David Bowie.
Yeah. And she goes, oh, I love the song Major Tom from Ziggy Stardust.
And I just I wanted to pull over. I wanted to pull over the side of the road and go, OK, you can get the fuck out.
Get out. Your meal is right here.
I don't know why know why but when people do shit like that i start losing my mind because does it make you feel older is that why because you're like no i just think that if you love it if you're gonna say out loud i love this right because you know what the fuck it is bitch you know i mean don't make a grand you know i love this statement yeah but it's wrong people do that all but see i do that for fun i think that's funny sometimes i'll do that sometimes like if it's um if it's like a rod stewart song right sometimes like if i'm out in public at the at the bar if i'm waiting for a drink i'll go fucking love paul simon just to see the guy next to me go yeah is this paul simon yeah it makes i like doing that you know what I do if like thriller or something's playing on the radio like in a restaurant or something I always go who sings this and I like they go really yeah I've heard it before who sings it because I don't want to Shazam it yeah I don't want to I don't have Shazam and then they go they go Michael Jackson Michael Jackson Michael Jackson, Michael, the baseball player. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
I always do that. Yeah.
It's so. There was a, there was a friend of a friend who went on a date with a girl who said, and I don't know if this is a bad joke.
If she was, if she was joking around, but the Rolling Stones beast of burden, I'll never be your beast of burden. She thought it said, I'll never be your pizza burner.
No, I swear. That's what he said.
I'll never be your beast she thought it said i'll never be your pizza burner no i swear that's what he said yeah i'll never be your pizza burner yeah which if you listen to it i'll never be your pizza burner yeah kind of sounds like it koreans right when the beatles were big that let it be right wait wait let me guess what What? They thought the song... Let it be.
No, you're not going to get it. They thought it was...
Let it be. Medici.
Medici. Which is anchovy.
So my mom would sing if the letter B was... She'd go, Medici.
Medici. I go, it's not...
What the fuck? It's not... Why would they write a song about anchovy's mom? they're good They are very good They're very good They are very good Medici means anchovy In Korean Yeah yeah Medici Yeah yeah Medici By the way I saw I saw the Japanese There is a Japanese sensation Of a Beatles cover band In When I was in Tokyo In Roppongi In like That was recently right yeah a couple years ago two years ago in the red light district you brought yourself no you brought your wife she was with me and so what you know who was there aristotle a theory you know aristotle oh i love aristotle he was in town uh they were shooting something and actually one of the guys this is even more fun of a story i don't know if i've told this before but that he was in town i did tell you this i told you that uh i don't know if it was on this show but he but he this guy was in town this guy this cameraman um and we're fucking shit-faced at this underground nightclub like for teenagers we're way we're like we're the oldest by a landslide and he had they have like two days in japan he's drinking double fist and he's chugging he's kind of a portly Midwest guy.
And he's sweating, dripping with sweat. And the music is, you know, and he's bouncing up and down.
And Aristotle goes up to him. And he looks, dude, in his face, his eyes, he looked happier than you've ever seen a human in your entire life.
Aristotle. No, no, no.
This man, this guy, this guy. And Stoutel goes, hey, man, how you doing? Like, checking in on him.
Yeah, yeah. And the guy goes like this.
He goes, I really miss my kids. Blacked out of his fucking mind.
Oh, really? Yeah, he was just, he was lost. I really miss my kids.
That's so funny. So funny.
Yeah. No, but we went to go see the Japanese, the famous Japanese Beatles.
Wow. They were, and I'm not kidding.
Like the real thing? Fuck you. They were better than the real thing.
You've never seen the real thing, you fuck face. I don't care.
I saw them there in Japan. Yeah.
These motherfuckers were phenomenal. Yeah.
And I was thinking I was going to get some, they were going to get, like, phonetics correct, but some of, no.

What the fuck was that?

You want to ruin the flow or what, bro?

Are you out of your fucking mind, Jorge?

Yeah.

Do directors do that when they're shooting?

Why did you do that?

It was blocking my face?

Was it blocking his face?

Yeah, it was blocking your face, sir.

Don't talk, fuck.

You don't talk, fuck.

What are you talking for? Look at Andres is riding high off that stand-up set. Yeah.
You know, I think Asians are the only race where people are allowed. Because Pauly, sure, right? Every time I'm around him, he sings out loud at the spa.
We'll walk into the Korean spa spa and he'll just acapella Chinese people are the best people in the world right and Koreans are just washing themselves and they ignore him they're just washing right he keeps going and he'll touch their heads Chinese people and just you know and they'll just they I mean? And they'll just, we won't say shit. Yeah, they let him do it.
Yeah, but it's time. It's time.
That we say shit. Like, that's not fucking okay.
Well, why don't you say something to Paul? You're with him. I keep pulling him aside.
I go, hey, I know this has been 25 years you've been doing this. Every day for 25 years.
Literally. Yeah.
25 years. Yeah.
Right? Every fucking day. It's enough.
And I go, for 25 years you've been doing this every day for 25 years literally yeah 25 years yeah right every fucking day it's enough and i go hey for 25 years you know that i'm korean i know buddy chinese people and he'll just keep doing it and it's like i love him and i let him do it i do love he's like a brother to me you know i love holly so much but it's like it's you know it's time for us as a people, you know, I mean, you know people. I mean it's just – we have to be more woke.
Yeah. So I was doing – Sometimes.
When I was doing Harold and Kumar 3, we were shooting in Michigan. Really? Yeah.
Why Michigan? Because back then I guess they had – Big tax breaks. Tax breaks.
Yeah. So I remember John, his trailer was farther away because he's the number one on the call sheet, right? So he was shooting more closer to my trailer.
So he goes, yo, dude, can I use your bathroom? I go, yeah, go, John. So John uses my bathroom.
But at the same time, I had 10 minutes before that asked for some Advil because I had a headache. So the medical guy, he didn't know John was in my trailer.

And I was smoking by the little steps there.

Sure.

And he comes around the corner of the medical guy and he goes, mystery.

He's a white guy.

Mystery.

I love you.

Right?

And John flies out of the fucking trailer.

Go, what the fuck, man?

What's up with the accent?

He's like, it's just a joke, you know.

I just do it for my Asian friends.

I have a lot of Asian friends.

You know how they try to justify it.

Yeah, covering it up.

He's like, if you ever do that accent again,

you're not going to be working in this movie.

Oh, damn.

And he walks away.

He was the medic?

Is that what came up?

The medic.

And the medic blushed. And I went went you can do it in front of me but just don't do it for him you know what i mean yeah but i realized i go it's not okay yeah no you know but people still feel like we the reason why is because we don't say shit but but here's the thing it's only okay if there's a pre-established relationship right yeah like i was talking to someone about this they were asking me why is it okay an older gentleman why is it okay for the for black people to say the n-word and i had this long-winded conversation i was like because it's taking away power from a word that whites used to use to denigrate black people right he.
He's like, yeah, but doesn't that perpetuate the negativity putting it out there? I said, not when you own the word. So it's only OK contextually if you've made it OK.
So like if you fucking joke with me and we make it OK, but it has to be a predetermined thing. Yeah.
And there's no rules. There's no like, it's just a thing that you must know.
Yeah, it's funny. Black people will call me the N-word sometimes.
Yeah. And I don't even know how to feel.
Yeah. Like I'm like, I have to go, I'm going with it.
I can't say it back. But I also like, I don't know how to react to it sometimes.
Yeah. So I call the cops on them.

Yeah, it's – no, you didn't.

Oh.

I believed you for a second.

I know.

That's insane.

I know, I know.

But truthfully, I do have black friends that call me the N-word or they'll say it in conversation.

Yeah, yeah.

And it's a part of the flow. Yeah.
But it's interesting to see when other Or they'll say it in conversation. Yeah, yeah.
And it's a part of the flow.

Yeah.

But it's interesting to see when other people see them say it to me.

Yeah.

And they're like, why does he have it?

It's funny how sensitive we're becoming because it's like – I'm on a game show coming out.

What is it called?

Which one?

It's called Game On.

It's coming out.

It's on CBS.

Game On on CBS.

CBS Tuesday nights, 8 p.m. featuring Bob Lee.
It's me, gronkowski venus williams oh i saw the preview yeah did you really i did yeah there's a preview online was i in the preview no i wasn't no wow gronk it was a it was a gronk thing it was a gronk thing it was just him okay good but anyway i'm on it and i'm on his team's just me and Gronkowski versus Ian Carmel and Venus Williams. Oh, it showed Ian and William's sister, and then it just showed Gronk by himself.
It's fine. I know what you're trying to do.
In the ad, it literally said Rob Gronkowski versus Venus and Ian Carmel. That's fine.
Huh. It said a one-man show versus a two-person team.
so when I was on the show yeah so they

yeah That's fine. Huh.
It said one-man show versus a two-person team. So when I was on the show, right? So they, you know, when they...
It's called Game On? Yeah, when they hired me, they were like, you know, we want you to do what you do on Tiger Valley and you're podcasting. Right? And then I go, okay.
Oh, my God. Keep going.
You're going to try to fucking shame me here? No, I just want to see the imagery. Images.
Go ahead. They ask you what you want to do on the – No, so they want – we like what you do on podcasts.
So I go – in my heart, I'm like, okay, good. I'm just going to do my thing.
Yeah, just fuck around. So I remember we're shooting.
We do a panel. Keegan's on it, and they're doing a panel.

And they mentioned – they put an athlete on the screen, and they go, what are the things that this person would love to do?

And one of them was Renaissance Fair.

The other one was barbecues.

And the other one – and everyone – and I was saying it's not Renaissance fairs because black people don't go to Renaissance fairs.

Right.

There ain't no fucking black hobbits.

No.

Right.

Something like that.

Right.

I remember.

Cut, cut.

I hear cut, cut, cut, cut.

And people just producers coming down surrounding me.

You can't.

You can't say that. You can't make a joke.
And I go. I just think that black people don't go to a renaissance fair.
They don't. I know.
My point, though, is that, but that's where we're at. Yeah.
Comedy-wise. Was Keegan there? Yeah.
Did he laugh? No one laughed. Keegan didn't laugh? They acted as if I said the N-word.
Did you follow it up with the N-word? No, no, no. I didn't.
Wait,egan did you say to keegan were you like did you were you offended by that yeah another joke was um at my mustache and ian goes you look like freddie mercury right i go sick freddie mercury cut cut cut why don't you can't really you know what i mean so what i'm saying isn't even real anymore. I know, but my point is that it's fun because on this, when we're on here, I don't know what it is.
It's just that are we not up to the times or are we being too sensitive? Is the world being too sensitive is the question. Oh, okay.
Well, I'll answer it to the best of my ability. Yeah.
What we do here. Because I call him fancy beaner.
And now if I said that on any TV show. You're fucked.
I'm canceled. But here's the deal.
This is a comedy podcast. The whole point of this is to have the freedom to joke around.
I mean, none of this. This is fucking ridiculous.
This is fucking. The whole thing thing is fucking insane so it's like i got there's an understanding that this is chaos and stupid and goofy and 99 of what we say is probably a joke or fake or just us fucking around yeah this isn't a sentimental heart-to-heart podcast it doesn't matter that we are saying things that aren't woke no but no but no, no.
In fact, I think they're probably more woke because we're breaking down the barriers of how annoying it is to be so questioning everything unless it's detrimental for somebody. Nothing on the show is going to be detrimental for somebody.
This is all for fun. This is actually to break away from how nonsense it is to be over-parenting what we do and what we say yeah look there was a guy on twitter i

posted the other day ariana no which one is it vanessa hudgens put up a video of her being like

she go on my twitter she's like yeah it's like the virus is gonna kill people but like that's

inevitable or inevitable or whatever it's like gonna happen but like i like i respect the virus

but it's like what are you gonna do you know and And she's flippant about it, right? All I did was retweet it, and I wrote, V. Hajj will lead us into salvation.
This is the voice. Just fucking around.
By the way, I'm not even criticizing her. I don't care.
I think it's funny. But she's canceled.
No, she's fine. Well, she released a statement last night last night saying oh my god i'm so sorry about being insensitive that's my problem she can't make a flippant statement without having to apologize she didn't even say anything that bad yeah last week andre said that gays jews blacks are gonna get the virus and and he won't remember that he said he said that And he's not.
He's fine. We just know that.
In this world, our fans have an agreement with us or new viewers that this is fucking, it's a joke. This is all fucking, it's bullshit.
Yeah. This guy says, this guy tweets him.
Of all the people that like the tweet, and a lot of people then take it and they're like, stupid bitch. And it's like, well, that wasn't my intention.
I was just thinking, I thought it was funny that she was just flipping about a virus right yeah i didn't call her any names some guy writes me and goes uh way to way to go buddy uh mocking mocking someone's da da da moment when all it's clickbait all you're gonna do is gain a couple of followers from it congratulations and i wrote back to him hey buddy i'm a comedian this is Twitter. And gaining some followers off of something I tweet is exactly what we're doing here.
What the fuck do you think we're doing here? Twitter is a fake. I go, none of this matters.
Twitter is fake. This isn't CNN.
This isn't a news source. So that's my point.
He's like, we know, Bad Friends fans know, this is all for fun. We're going to be fine.
It's all for fun. No, the reason why I do Tiger Belly in this is because I'm tired of like waiting in line and then saying things that people tell me to say.
And then them going. And conforming to what people want me to conform to.
Totally. And originally I did this just so that I could just say whatever the fuck I want to.
We do. That's half of the fun.
I know, but my point, though, is that there are times where I lay in bed and I go, you know, is Andrew and I prehistoric? Are we saying things we shouldn't? Yeah. Have we not changed our thinking? What do you want to change? Well, I want to be able to get to the point where I look at Andreas and I call him Fancy Beaner.
But it's so fun. It's so real, though.
He is a Fancy Beaner. That's the thing that I can't get my head around.
Okay, so I would argue that kind of language. And he knows it's in jest.
He's our friend. He's laughing.
He's laughing. He's loving it.
Like a little fucking fancy beaner. Right.
I think knowing that,

that there is nothing but love and friendship in this room,

that the context is endearing,

is the only way we can move forward with language

knowing that none of that is intently meant to be mean.

Right?

Yeah, yeah.

The guy that was like,

oh, mystery, mystery with the medic, he doesn't have that relationship with john so he can't do that shit right everything either did i but he did it but you you could have been like hey don't say that shit i don't like that shit you're not my friend yeah and and getting rid of that as a whole of a white guy going oh if if you wanted to get rid of it as a whole then you should should say, I don't want to hear it anymore. It's not fun anymore.
I don't want, you know what? Say it. Yeah.
You doing Asian accents, dude. Yeah, go ahead.
Hurts my feelings. Okay.
And I don't want you to do it anymore. You heard it here first.
That's why it's funny. Yeah.
Because none of it is, none of, there's no negative intent. I really meant that, but it here first.
That's why it's funny.

Because none of it is,

there's no negative intent.

I really meant that,

but it's okay.

We'll let it go.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Cancel Andrew.

There's no negative intent.

I think that's the purpose.

The problem is,

yeah,

like I said,

it's a fucking vague line.

Why is it that

when we shit on each other,

we know it's love,

and then when the medic says something demeaning, it's more serious.

There's an unwritten rule of friendship and relationships that we'll never be able to explain.

Yeah.

It's like if I was a medic and the guy was redheaded and I said,

here are your Advil and here are some lucky charms. You know what I mean? I wouldn't do that if I didn't know the person.
But if you know them, it's funny. It's funny if I know them.
But it's like the medic doesn't know me. That's weird.
So that's what's crazy about it. Why is it in his head? It thinks it's okay.
Because you sometimes perpetuate it. Maybe you bring it on or say it's okay or you encourage it.
Right, okay. So if you say be more woke, then you would need to be more vocal about things you don't like when people do it.
Yeah. I'm not going to stop with you.
I don't want you to stop. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, yeah. But I know that that's a thing that exists.
Yeah. Andreas, if he doesn't like you calling him a fancy bee, if he didn't like it.

Andreas, when I call you a fancy bee, does that offend you?

No.

Do you think it's funny or is it annoying?

I think it's funny.

Is it annoying though?

No.

There we go.

And here's the thing.

We pay him so we can say whatever we want to him.

That's true. He's ours.
We own him. That's a power play.
You're our employee and we own you. You understand? Yeah.
Say yes, sirs. Yes, sirs.
It's so terrible. No, but if you were annoyed, he'd probably say something.
Yeah. But this is a relationship of a comedy show.
That's the whole point. I know what you mean.
You want to be more woke? No, I don't.

You said sometimes you lay up and I think to myself, why is it that I find certain things humorous that, you know, these millennials wouldn't? Okay. Let me stop you right there.

Right. This is, this is, there's, there's two parts to this that I, I think what you just said,

why do I find it funny? Why do you find it funny that making fun of our differences, that when you make fun of my stupid, ugly red face and you make fun of him and we make fun? Why is it that we find that funny? Because it's comforting because we know that the thing we share is like I make fun of you. You make fun of me.
You make fun of George. George, really, we always just make fun of George.
He doesn't make fun of anybody. But that's just that's that's the relationship that exists.
So I'm saying you find it funny because it's inherently funny to tease each other about differences. I think that that's- Differences make us- It's been like that since the dawn of time.
No shit, of course. Right? Of course.
Of course, of course. Yeah.
There is an unhealthy version and there's a healthy version in my opinion. Us fucking around in here, healthy.
We're in a fucking- This is our vacuum. This is what we love.
On the outside, if you want to be more woke yeah that's social awareness but that's just that's a balance that we'll learn over time right like you know how when you see okay when you're out in public and um and when you see when you're when you're in the corner store and a black guy walks into the corner store yeah you know how you usually And you leave as fast as... Yeah, yeah.
You can't do that anymore. Right.
Right. You know, it's...
Language is delicate and it's all contextual. That's what I'll say.
Yeah. You know what I hate too? Right? One time I was walking down the street.
I was in Cleveland. I was going to Hilarity's or something.
Okay. And I was going from the club to, you know, it's not that far from the club to the hotel.
Right. So I was walking and I was like, do I have my key? Right? So I always put my key in my right back pocket.
Do I have my key? As soon as I did this, I was walking by a black person. He goes, I'm not gonna steal your wallet, motherfucker.
And I walked by, I was just looking for a key. I didn't say that out loud.
But it looks like you were protecting your wallet. It looks like I was, no, I was just like, at the same time, he was like, I'm not gonna, you're right? Yeah.
He's like, I'm not gonna steal your shit. Right.
My wallet happened to be back there. But, you know, another incident is I was in D.C.
What did you – but what did you say back to him? Nothing. I just let him pass and I was just like angry that I'm like, dude, I don't think that.
Fucker. You should have said to him.
He goes – Yeah, but I don't – also, I always feel like if I get in a confrontation with somebody, it's going to exceed to a point. Here, let's play it out.
You say to me, you say to me, this is how it should have gone. You say to me, I'm not going to steal your wallet.
You're the black guy. I'm you.
We're walking about it. Ready? I'm not going to steal your wallet, motherfucker.
Well, it's happened before. That's not what you say.
Another thing is I was in D.C. I was at a hot dog, know that place that Bill Cosby loves a hot dog place in D.C.
I love Bill Cosby I hate hot dogs but I love Bill Cosby yeah yeah yeah and I was at that hot dog place and I was walking out of there and I was like in the way of a black man and I go and I I go excuse me brother he knew he always said i'm not your brother right i'm like yeah i'd say i was black or nothing i was just like you know i know we're not little brothers but you're a fellow human being like i didn't say that i just kind of went did i do the wrong thing you know what i mean yeah you felt like you did you said thing. You meant brother as a term of endearment.
Right. Right.
So, you know, people are just so overly, even strangers are so overly just sensitive. Yeah, but it depends on your approach and it depends on their mood, right? Yeah.
I shouldn't take it personally because I don't know their life experiences. I have no idea.
I've never walked in their shoes. I have no idea, you know idea where they're coming at.
Well, you probably have nicer shoes than them. That's the other side of it.
I have $800 pair of golden goose. Let's play out the scene that you said I'm not your brother.
Let's see how this should have gone. So I'm the black guy again? Yeah, and I'm you.
Ready? Here we go. All right.
Oh, excuse me, brother. I didn't mean to get you.
I'm not your brother, motherfucker. Thank God.
My brother's successful and smart and not trash like you. That's what you should have said.
It's insane. It's insane.
No, but you know what, though? By the way, you doing the bad black voice is bad. That's...
What I just did? That's my point, though. What? No you want to get...
No, no, no. Fuck you, because...

Fuck you, because...

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm just saying.

If you want to be more woke, then you have to do...

His voice can't be like,

I'm not your brother, motherfucker!

That was a literal impression of the person that I'm impersonating.

Everybody, whether they're black or white...

So let's do that.

You want me to do this.

So you be me again.

Okay.

No, you be you, and then I'll be the black guy. No, I'll be the black guy.
I'll show you how you should have said it. If you were the black guy.
Here's how the black guy. Okay, go ahead.
You want to get the laugh here. Okay, good.
No. No, not the laugh.
Here's what the black guy should have sounded like. Alright, so excuse me, brother.
I'm not your brother. Oh.
I should have done it like that.

Yeah, just regular voice.

Yeah.

You were like,

I'm not your brother, motherfucker.

Like it was a 70s fucking...

Can we do one thing that's super racist?

We'll cut it out.

Leave it in.

No, we'll cut it out.

So this is how I wanted to say it.

Okay, so I'll do...

You're the black guy.

I'm the black guy?

Yeah, so I go, excuse me, brother. I'm not your brother, motherfucker.
My brother just texted me, so I want to promote. Speaking of real brothers, speaking of real brothers, Stevie Wiebe, Bob's brother, has a new EP a new album out.
Has a new EP that just came out. Yeah.
It's called Ode to My Pops. Ode to My Pops.
He sent it to me. His hip-hop name is Kwangwoo, which is his Korean name.
I was going to say, I was like, what is that? Kwangwoo? Kwangwoo. Kwangwoo.
Kwangwoo. Kwangwoo.
Kwangwoo. Kwangwoo.
Kwangwoo. It's called Ode to My Pops EP because my dad died in August and he wrote an EP and it's really good I've listened to it I love it It's on stevieweebybandcamp.com Yeah we'll put up the link in the description Go to stevieweeby.bandcamp.com It's Kwong Wu My brother's been working hard on it and Eric Griffin loves it I love it People love it Peep this shit I he's a talented young man.
Can you plug in my phone? My phone is on Bluetooth. I just got this text.
Hey, you guys, my phone is on Bluetooth. I want to see if I can turn it up a little bit.
Here's a text right here. You know who Michael Rosenbaum is? Yeah, I love him.
I don't think you do. Why? He goes, hey, gorgeous, can you get Andrew Santino on my pod? Nobody is doing shit.

He's got time.

Love ya.

We all have time.

We're all dying.

So Michael Rosenbaum. Him and I already texted about it.

I just can't get a schedule now between doing mine and this one.

Well, you're in quarantine.

You have every day free.

This just happened, Bob.

You have every day free.

Don't fuck with my friend, man.

He's Lex Luthor, bro. He wanted to schedule this before the quarantine when I was on the road.
You're getting a text today now that we're in quarantine. Yeah, I'm going to call him right now.
Let's hear it. What's up? Bobby? Hey, Michael.
So Andrew Santino, I'm next to him right now. Hey, bud.
And he goes, I go, can you do his podcast? And Andrew Santino literally, this is literally what he said. Fuck that guy.
Yeah, that's what I said. So I don't know what that means.
Rosie, I actually said, I said, I don't like anybody that associates with you, Bobby. So fuck that guy.
I don't like him at all. I don't like the way he looks.
Well, he basically said he has all the time in the world, so he'll schedule, okay? Basically, yeah. Hey, Santino, did you tell him that Santino, are you there? Yeah, baby.
I asked Bobby what his dad's Korean name was, and he said something like Sungjik something. And I go, what's my Korean name? He said, Suk-dik-ju.
All right, Michael, he'll call you and to reschedule, okay? Suk-dik-ju? Suk-dik-ju. All right, bye.
I love you both. Love you both.
Just two seconds. I want to play this two seconds this is your brother ready so dope I like it I know I do like it a lot he sent it to me and I enjoy it I don't know how much of it we can play without fucking iTunes

or somebody getting on us

well I gotta go back

to the quarantine

so I think we should end it

okay

alright look into the camera

and end it

thank you for being

a bad friend

can we do it with an accent