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Speaker 2 When I was there fighting them fucking Koreans,

Speaker 2 I gotta tell you, I came down from a tough chopper mission. Yeah.
One of them little nice Korean birds, she fed me some, some, what she called was techo. She said taco.
Here, uh, sir.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what's that? You hungry? I'm starving. What is that? DC is a meatloaf.
Oh, meat. I love me some fucking meatloaf.
Thank you so much. What's your name? Gyong.
Oh, nice to meet you, Gong.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Have some of this meatloafer.

Speaker 2 God.

Speaker 2 skippy are you son of it you son of a

Speaker 2 bad friends it's the ends of the world as we know it

Speaker 2 it's the end of the world as we know it

Speaker 2 it's the end of the world as we know it and i feel fine

Speaker 2 We're back. We're back.
We're back. We're back.
Thank God. Thank God we're back.
Because

Speaker 2 I haven't left the house in five fucking days, bro. Kalila kept you in jail.
She acts like it's 1939 Poland. Don't go outside.
They'll see you. Hide under the floorboards.
It's like the Germans.

Speaker 2 The Germans are here, though.

Speaker 2 She's act. I know.
George is a Nazi with 100%.

Speaker 2 She's like Sarah Connor. It's like shotgun, you know what I mean? And like the blue apron guy comes up the driveway, right? She's like, leave it up the game.
Yeah, that's what she's doing.

Speaker 2 That's what she's doing.

Speaker 2 It's out of control. And you're freaking out.
She's acting crazy. Are you getting any sleep? No sleep.
Yeah, it's like

Speaker 2 she's acting like it's the end of the world. Look at your gloves, by the way.
Lift up. Let's just show the camera why.
Look at how dirty that is. Yeah, it's all Corona.
It's all Corona.

Speaker 2 Did you see the girl licking the toilet seat on the airplane? I hope she dies. Did you watch that? Yeah, yeah, it's dumb.

Speaker 2 It's unfucking real. It's unreal.
And

Speaker 2 I have to say this too, and I hope I don't get in trouble.

Speaker 2 I want to say something that's going to get me in very big trouble.

Speaker 2 So I had a conversation with our dear friend, Eric Griffin, which is a dear friend of mine. He's like one of my best friends.
If like, you know, he's like a brother. Yeah.
Is he not? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So we're talking the other day on the phone. He's like, I'm like, yeah, I'm worried because

Speaker 2 I smoke. I'm getting older.
I'm 48. He's like, and I go, once the coronavirus hits me, I think I'm going to be one of those casualties.
He goes, yeah, definitely, dude. You for sure.

Speaker 2 He's like, me, I've been taking vitamins and I'm, you know what I mean? Do you think mac and cheese are vitamins?

Speaker 2 You know, but he goes, me, I'm fine. I'm taking my hormone pills, my vitamins.
I go, if I die, Eric, you're going to die. All right.
As soon as coronavirus hits your body,

Speaker 2 blood's going to squirt out of your black titties.

Speaker 2 Chocolate,

Speaker 2 Chocolate blood's going to squirt out. And he's just going to, his eyes are going to roll back.
He's going to go into convulsions. He's going to die instantaneously.
Eric Griffin, I love you, bro.

Speaker 2 But don't tell me that you're fucking Carl Lewis because you're not. All right.

Speaker 2 If you die, he dies. That's Fat Lando.
By the way, that's why I did this.

Speaker 2 You can see my facial hair.

Speaker 2 This is because Eric shaved his. Did you see Eric with his?

Speaker 2 Did you see this? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's show our viewers. I know.
Eric Griffin shaved his mustache for those that haven't seen it. Okay, first of all, this has been Eric since I've known him.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's had a mustache since I've since 1932.

Speaker 2 He's had that fucking 1932. He's had the mustache.
And now,

Speaker 2 I think it's got to be maybe on his Instagram. He shaved his mustache.
And I look at this motherfucker with no upper lip. God.
No upper lip. Look at that.
That's thinner than mine. Yeah.
You know why?

Speaker 2 He forgot the reason why he grew it in the first place is to hide the ugly.

Speaker 2 Right? When you grow a fucking thick mustache like that, it's to hide something. Well, you have to.
Yeah, yeah, look at that. Look at that.

Speaker 2 Brad Williams, what did your coronavirus do to your mustache?

Speaker 2 Oh, we love you, Eric. No, he knows we love him to death.
I just can't believe that. Look at that nose.

Speaker 2 Look at that. It's a cartoon nose.
Look at those. Those nose hairs are really trying to poke out, huh? Yeah.
Like Disney animation made that nose, folks.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 That's like from somebody's imagination yeah it's bad it's bad what did you what did you you do you guys go did you do grocery shopping or nothing we're getting everything delivered amazon you know delivery yeah you know and then um so that the other day i go i want chips just get me whatever kind of chips right yeah

Speaker 2 she fucking orders these fucking hemp kale seed chips bitch i want doritos i want doritos that's the new app

Speaker 2 i want doritos i want nacho cheese bitch. Is that what you get?

Speaker 3 Nacho cheese?

Speaker 2 Whatever, man.

Speaker 2 It's like she's getting all the stuff that she would eat.

Speaker 2 You know, right? Like shit that she, like, healthy. You know what I mean? Yeah.
If we're going to, if, in this apocalypse, if we're going to die, give me Twinkies. Yeah, let me eat.
Let me eat it.

Speaker 2 Dude, we did that. I went shopping.
I bought the shit I never. There's six things of mac and cheese in my fridge.
There's four. The craft?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Don't fuck with it.
There's four. There's four.

Speaker 2 There's four.

Speaker 2 Whatever. Let's move on.

Speaker 2 Let's move on. No, no, but why can't I think of it? I have no idea.
Because you're making it up. Let's move on.
No, we went grocery shopping yesterday.

Speaker 2 We bought mac and cheese. I bought

Speaker 2 big bags of beef jerky. I really like beef jerky.
Oh, shit. I love beef jerky.
Yeah, yeah. That's what I bought.
That's what it was. Ruffles.
I was trying to think of the name of the brand.

Speaker 2 Ruffles chips. Oh, oh.
But I bought... Sour cream and cheddar, which are her favorite.
Yeah. My old bag's favorite.
I bought all dressed, which is Canadian. Do you know all dressed?

Speaker 2 You don't know all dressed? Holy fuck. Do you guys know all dressed? All dressed is the most popular brand in Canada.
It's sea salt and vinegar barbecue sauce. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's the combining both of those chips. It just seems like something that white people would like.
It is. That's what we invented almost everything.
So I'm going to pass on it.

Speaker 2 What kind do you want? Fish sauce chips?

Speaker 2 Was hoppy? Flavors.

Speaker 2 And the one you said earlier before the cameras were on, I said we're hunkering down, we're making stuff. And you just said, out of the blue, you said,

Speaker 2 dog.

Speaker 2 Why would you say that? Because you said

Speaker 2 we're making stuff at the out of the blue. I just said dog.

Speaker 2 No, it's a term of endearment, like my dog. No.
You're my bug. I don't think that.

Speaker 2 What is?

Speaker 2 I did see a video this morning. A girl sent me

Speaker 2 of them cooking a live dog in China. Oh.
There's videos circulating now of all the fucked up shit they're doing. You know what? It's like, you know, you've heard of the Yulin Dog Eating Festival.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 2 What did you place when you were over? What did you place? Were you first or second? Third. Third.
I took a third. I took a bronze.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I wouldn't eat the pit bull.
Yeah, yeah. You wouldn't? No, no, no, no.
Just too angry. Too much.
Yeah, you don't want that kind of energy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I like

Speaker 2 Yorkshire Terriers. Oh, are they good? So tender.

Speaker 2 What's the toughest stuff? Let me say something right now. Yorkshire Terrier puppy.
Yeah. It's like sashimi.
Is it really?

Speaker 2 If you kill a newborn Yorkshire Terrier, right? And you you just slice, when it's alive, preferably.

Speaker 2 Well, you can't kill them first because if you kill them, the muscles get terrible. Right.
So

Speaker 2 you just have to like, while they're alive, you slice open the belly.

Speaker 2 They make a sound. What is it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They make a tree. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you just slice open like the belly meat. Oh, my God.
That's right. Do you drink the blood? Yes, I do.

Speaker 2 Of course I do, man, because, you know, I'm a warrior. But my point is, is this, is that we don't do that.
I have three dogs at home, and I love them more than other humans.

Speaker 2 So that bit we just did was a joke. It was a joke.
You know, dogs aren't, dogs can't get it.

Speaker 2 Good. They confirmed dogs can't get Corona.
They can't carry it. They can carry it, huh? Cats.
I don't really care about cats, even a little bit. They can get it.
In fact, I hope every cat gets it.

Speaker 2 Okay. I want to say this right now.
I hope every

Speaker 2 gets Corona.

Speaker 2 You know what it is?

Speaker 2 I hope they're walking around all limp and like

Speaker 2 you view cats like Asians. It's It's the same fucking impression.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to see videos of cats online with Corona. Yeah, yeah.
Just their little leg

Speaker 2 and their coughing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I fucking hate it. Here's the thing you don't know about cats, though.
Go ahead. Do you ever live with one? No.
Okay. I would never.
But that's how I, dude. So when I'm okay, so here's the deal, bro.

Speaker 2 When I'm at Kalila, I was the type of guy that if I saw any animal, you know what I mean? I would speed up. To hit it.
To hit it. I didn't give a fuck.
A dog, I don't give a fuck, right?

Speaker 2 You want to kill the animal. Because I never, no, it's not that that.
It's just I never knew the bond that you could have with an animal. That's right.

Speaker 2 When you're not raised with it necessarily, you're not going to really care.

Speaker 2 Right? So what happened was I met Kalila, my girlfriend, on the Tinders.

Speaker 2 And And she, I spent the night at her house one night. And

Speaker 2 she had a cat named Ming,

Speaker 2 but it was a kitten. It was about this small.
And I slept on her bed, and Ming would sleep on my shoulder.

Speaker 2 And I just wanted to grab it and just squeeze the life out of this thing. What? I don't know.
I just didn't like them. Okay.
Right.

Speaker 2 But then one day, Kalila went out of town, and I was living on Beechwood. Yeah.
And she goes, can you take care of Ming for a week? I go, it's not going to be alive by the time you get home.

Speaker 2 And I don't know what happened, but Ming, one day I came home and she was just sitting there and she goes,

Speaker 2 like, welcome home.

Speaker 2 And I fucking fell in love with this thing, man.

Speaker 2 She's like, I love Ming more than most of my cousins.

Speaker 2 Like, if my cousin Andy died,

Speaker 2 yeah, if my cousin Andy died, just listen to me, man. Yeah, I am.

Speaker 2 Call me. You're my other cousin.
Tell me if Andy died. Call me.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hello.
Hey, Bob.

Speaker 2 What's up, dude? Why are you so sad? Oh, man.

Speaker 2 You wanna bury this?

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 You wanna bury it?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what happened? Andy died. What? Yeah.
Andy died.

Speaker 2 Andy died? All right, well,

Speaker 2 you know, okay, well, I'll talk to you later, okay? Okay. Hang out? Yep.
PlayStation.

Speaker 2 Nothing changed.

Speaker 2 No, I would probably have tears, but I would still play. Like, think about them, you know,

Speaker 2 yeah, I'm not going to stop the game. But if Ming died,

Speaker 2 I would be devastated for years. So Ming is going to die.
And I'll be devastated. If any of my cats, I have three cats.
If any of them die, I love them. Love them so much.

Speaker 2 And the thing is, is that you just don't know. No, I know cats.
You don't know. I don't like them.
I don't trust them. They don't greet you the same when you come home.

Speaker 2 My dog is at the door wagging wagging her tail. She's so excited to see me when I'm here.
Schooner is waiting for me.

Speaker 2 My middle cat is waiting for me at the door. And where are the other two? The other two are...
In hiding. They're not hiding, bro.
They're relaxing, bro. They're two different fucking things.

Speaker 2 All they do all day is relax. Can you play fetch with a cat? Oh, no, you can play other things.
What? You can do the fucking laser. Oh, okay.
That's fun as well, friend.

Speaker 2 Cats are always... It's always a fat guy's best friend.
You can laser from your fat couch. No, and always.
You can do one of the dangly things, it hits. No, no.

Speaker 2 Also, cat, you fucking, you don't know nothing about cats. Here's the thing.
You don't have to take it for a walk. Did you know this, too? It's like, cats are the thinking man's animal.

Speaker 2 And it poops inside. Did you know that men who love cats are more college educated and smarter than the

Speaker 2 stats? Look at the stats, bro. Look at Marlon Brandau.
Marlon Brandau, bro. Yeah, what about cats?

Speaker 2 Sir Patrick Stewart.

Speaker 2 Picard.

Speaker 2 Captain Picard. He loves cats, brah.
Okay. Yeah.
He loves Royal Gray, too. There's plenty of smart guys that love dogs.
Yeah, but it just statistically, smarter people. I'm not buying into this.

Speaker 2 Google it. You're so fast at fucking Googling shit.
Google it. Fuck.
How could you, what would I search? Tell me what would I search. George, what would you search? What could I even search?

Speaker 2 Average intelligence of cats owners. Cat owners.
Average intelligence.

Speaker 2 versus dog owners. We're going to get the dumbest results out there.
Yes, this is going to be some bullshit. The research revealed that the owners of the two animals have different personalities.

Speaker 2 Cat lovers being more sensitive and open-minded, and then dog loggers who are largely energetic. That's right, Carroll University in Wisconsin.
Cat owners scored highly on intelligent than dog owners.

Speaker 2 There we go. Bing, bing, bing, bing, boom, bing, bang.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 they also.

Speaker 2 Right. But also.
There we go. But also.
And more sensitive and what open-minded?

Speaker 2 That's what I told you about Bill O'Reilly earlier, dude. You're a closed-off, angry man.
Fact.

Speaker 2 Fact. Oh, look at this.

Speaker 2 A study by Keller University also found that people who like cats in general tend to be total fucking losers.

Speaker 2 I know. Look at that.
It says that right in the study.

Speaker 2 It doesn't say that. It doesn't say that.

Speaker 2 If you're more introverted and sensitive, maybe you're more at home reading a book and your cat doesn't want to go outside for a walk.

Speaker 2 I just want to read a book and not go walk. No, I would get outside, you fat, lazy piece of shit.
Yeah. Get outside.
Yeah. Go outside.
Take a walk. You know what you are, dude? Yeah.
In the movie,

Speaker 2 look at me right now. Stop fucking putting your fingers on that fucking thing.
You know what you are, bro? Do you ever see the movie War of the Worlds? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 You're the kind of guy that as soon as that thing fucking hit, right, that you're going to go investigate the crater.

Speaker 2 And then the machine comes out of the earth and you're going to get evaporated. You need guys like me, dude.
Yeah. We're in the house petting our fucking little fucking, you know, kitten.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 2 And we're alive. No.
Yeah, you're angry. Yeah.
You need anger management therapy. I would love to see how many people that fight in the armed services are cat people versus dog people.

Speaker 2 The people that defend this fucking country.

Speaker 2 I'd love to see how many of them

Speaker 2 are cat people. That's fine.
None.

Speaker 2 You know why? Because they're grunts. Because somebody needs to be on the front line doing the aggressive.
Let's get outside. Let's attack the day.
Instead of just

Speaker 2 me. This is me.
This is me, dude. Right? This?

Speaker 2 Pipe. Yeah.
Smoking jacket. Fire, right? Cat on my fucking thing.

Speaker 2 Right? That's what I am, bro. You fucking idiot.

Speaker 2 You guys are fucking animals, bro.

Speaker 2 That's why you like dogs. I like dogs because dogs are the best.
They're the best. They're not that the best.
Yeah, they're the best. But actually, but could I say that?

Speaker 2 I have three dogs and three cats, right? Yeah. I love both because I am both.
You're just one-dimensional. I'm just a dog.
Yeah. And you're a cat.
I have added combinations. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 I have all... I'm very...

Speaker 2 You're more well-rounded.

Speaker 2 What does that mean? You're more well-rounded than I am. Yeah, rounded? You're much more well-rounded than I am.
Yeah, because I'm fat. What? Because I'm circular in shape.
That's not what I said.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 I love my cats. Look,

Speaker 2 I don't hate cats. This has all been a bit.

Speaker 2 I don't want any inside of my house. I don't like hair.
I don't like hair, and I don't like that they poop inside. In a litter box, that's fine.
It's disgusting. It's inside your house.

Speaker 2 Well, we do. Anyway, let's move on from it.
You clean it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course I clean it, you fucking idiot. Okay, so why not just do it outside?

Speaker 2 What I did was I created a fucking cat door.

Speaker 2 And I have an extra compartment outside that's enclosed that they pee and poo. You can't smell it.
So they go outside.

Speaker 2 In

Speaker 2 a shack that I had built. Okay.
That I'm cool with. Yeah.
And that's what I did. I love that.
You have to, I think if you don't have thumbs, you have to poop outside. That's my rule.
Oh, really?

Speaker 2 You're so. If you don't have thumbs, you have to poop outside.
That's my rule. Anywho.
My buddy Mark has no thumbs. I can't believe I'm.
I make him poop outside in the yard. Anywho.

Speaker 2 Anywho.

Speaker 2 Last Thursday

Speaker 2 was crazy because, so I call my agents Wednesday. you know, and I go,

Speaker 2 because I'm going to Denver, and I go, I don't think I should go. And, you know, your agents, you should go, Bobby.
No one else is canceling. They want to make money.
No one's canceling. Go.

Speaker 2 You have to go. And I go,

Speaker 2 because you sold out the rooms, you know, six shows. Yeah, I should do the shows.
And you got to do it. And I'm like thinking, you know, I don't know.
This could get crazy. I should make the money.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 So I fly over there. And it's really one of the best comedy clubs.
ever. Yeah.
The Denver Comedy Club.

Speaker 2 I can't talk any more good about it. It really me either.
It's one of the best. It's just structurally, the staff,

Speaker 2 the owner, everything about it is perfect.

Speaker 2 So I do the first show, but you know how it's set up where you're on the stage and the audience is around you. Well, they're on the stage.
They're on the stage with you, pretty much. So it's like,

Speaker 2 it's not as if you're like levitated above them and there's a gap. You're like amongst them.
So as soon as I walked out there, I was like,

Speaker 2 it didn't feel right. You get nervous.
Not just nervous. It was just like, what the fuck am I doing? And then in between shows, Kevin Christie and I, my opener,

Speaker 2 by the way, our MC there, Georgia, was amazing. But anyway, Georgia.
I forgot her last name. Brooks.
I don't know. She's great.
Is she a local in Denver? Yeah. Okay, I don't know.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I turned to Kevin, I go, we got to get out of here.

Speaker 2 And especially this, is that

Speaker 2 they were refunding tickets.

Speaker 2 Understandably. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But then I'm like, if you're refunding the tickets, then I'm not going to make any money. You're going to lose money.
Yeah. A lot of it.
Right. So then I just kind of went, I'm fucking out of here.

Speaker 2 But it's crazy the fact that I even went out there in the fucking first place. Dude, I'll give you the...
So I just got back from Chicago. I canceled my show.
This is the craziest part.

Speaker 2 The governor, Pritzker, or the mayor or whatever of Chicago, Pritzker said

Speaker 2 venues with 250 or more, they highly suggest, this was then. highly suggested not doing a show.
I got a call from my agent and they're like, Live Nation says they're okay with you doing it.

Speaker 2 It's up to you. So they put it on my shoulders

Speaker 2 to do the show.

Speaker 2 And Thalia Hall is like 600, something like that, just around six. And I said,

Speaker 2 okay, so I'm doubling the rule already. This sold out? Yeah.
And I was like, I'm doubling.

Speaker 2 It was. It was actually sold out way earlier and I should have done two shows.
But

Speaker 2 I... But they put it on me and I was really upset.
Genuinely, I'm not joking around.

Speaker 2 I was like actually mad pacing in my mom's living room because I was like, well, this is going to be my fault if I do the show and something bad happens.

Speaker 2 If a few people come and get sick, they're going to write in the fucking tribune. Andrew Santino decides to put on a show despite what's going on in the city of Chicago.
Right.

Speaker 2 Because all the other theaters are closed down. The bars and clubs were already starting to close down.
So then I was like, well, it's on me. So then I canceled.

Speaker 2 I put out a fucking thing on Facebook being like, hey, I'm sorry. I can't do this.
Like, I just can't.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 most people are supportive because they get it. It's so funny that some people are are like, oh, way to succumb to the fucking media.
Yeah. You're like, what? Are you out of your fucking mind? I know.

Speaker 2 And by the way, watch what you're saying now at this point forward.

Speaker 2 Because you're going to, because there are people out there that believe that this is a liberal agenda and that the fake news, which is, you know, CNN, MSMC. They're fucking morons.
Don't watch.

Speaker 2 I said, watch what you're saying. If you think this is fake,

Speaker 2 you're a fucking moron. This is real.
I know, know, but just ease it because people have started.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 If you think this is fake, you're a fucking moron.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 It's what you're saying. Anyway.

Speaker 2 People are mistaking the fact that we didn't cancel shows

Speaker 2 because we wanted to cancel the shows. We canceled shows because you feel like you might be putting other people in danger or in harm's way.

Speaker 2 And I don't want to be responsible for other people being put in harm's way.

Speaker 2 So that's why I did it.

Speaker 2 And by the way, if you think we want to cancel shows and lose money, what the fuck? Our whole three months of both of our tours are done. That's our livelihood.

Speaker 2 So it's not like I'm like, yeah, fuck them. I don't care.
I'd rather just chill. Dude, I want to do the opposite.
I want to be in Boston right now.

Speaker 2 I want to be fucking in Cincinnati next weekend. That's not, that's my biggest problem is people online saying shit.
making it up that it's not real. It's not only that, it's that people don't realize

Speaker 2 that, you know, I'm not Delia.

Speaker 2 Who? Who is I'm not Chris DeLeah or Whitney Mings? I don't have that kind of money, right? So I rely on going on the road and making money. I need to do it.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, and so I mean, I'm so happy for the two I just mentioned, and they're very good people. And, you know, they deserve, you know what I mean? But I don't like either of them.

Speaker 2 I know, but I need to go out there and I rely on road money

Speaker 2 to survive. And so it's not an easy decision to go,

Speaker 2 I'm going to go home. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
But

Speaker 2 I think in light of what's happening, listen, this thing probably isn't going to kill anyone in this room, but studies say that. I hope that doesn't.

Speaker 2 I mean, imagine.

Speaker 2 Why did you say that? Because now they're going to use this loop at our funeral.

Speaker 2 It probably isn't going to kill someone in this room. And then soft music kicks in.

Speaker 2 It's the fancy beaner that's going to die.

Speaker 2 Am I going to get canceled for that saying that? No. You said fancy in front of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Spanish people are fancy beaners. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Spanish people. They don't drink coffee.
They drink the ones with the little.

Speaker 2 And he goes, esprezo.

Speaker 2 I am drinking espresso. When I came in, he was

Speaker 2 whittling his own shoes. That's how he's.
You know that?

Speaker 2 They're really talented, those guys. But they say that young people that get coronavirus, they lose 20% of their lung function.
No, you told me that.

Speaker 2 But I'm only functioning on 20% lung functions as it is. So if I get it, I'll have zero lung function.
Yeah. I'll die immediately.
In both lungs, or is it just in one lung?

Speaker 2 I don't know, but like a Belgian doctor was analyzing young patients that had the coronavirus, and he said the results are fucking terrifying. I know I saw some of the x-rays online.

Speaker 2 You can look up some of the x-rays online of people that are getting it. It's creepy as fuck.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they show what it looks like in your lungs, kind of like how pneumonia looks kind of creepy in your lungs.

Speaker 2 And the reason why we're acting accordingly is because it's not because I believe that I'm going to die from it. I just don't want to pass it on to an older person.
I don't want to say that.

Speaker 2 It's like you don't want to be carrying this thing and just like making other people sick. Right.

Speaker 2 So let's, you know, do our due diligence. Right.
And just kind of be, you know, the fancy African-American actor from England got it.

Speaker 2 Let's try to get there together. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 His first name rhymes with

Speaker 2 E.J.

Speaker 2 Abu. Childress.
Sounds like Childress. I don't know.
Idris? Idris?

Speaker 2 What's the last name?

Speaker 2 Sounds like Felba. Idris Felba.
Sounds like Idris Elba. Bam.
That's Idris Elba. Idris Elba got it.
The fancy English African-American actor. Him?

Speaker 2 Actor got it.

Speaker 2 Who else else got it he's first of all he's an American first he's a major he's an American he's not an African-American he's an American but he's from England yeah so he's actually an English African American yeah okay my bad he's an American African movie

Speaker 2 my bad my bad I don't know much about him great actor though Tom Hanks loved him on cats Tom Hanks and his wife cats won the best movie of the year I'm gonna I bought it I'm gonna watch it tonight it's so good yeah I can't wait to watch it I'm not kidding it's one of the best movies I've ever seen I can't wait to watch it cats is amazing okay

Speaker 2 maybe now I like cats okay I take it all that. Yeah.
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, his wife. Yeah.
These are all the famous people that got it.

Speaker 2 Oh, here's a guy that you don't even know, but it hit my brother and I hard. Mikel Arteta.
Who's Mikel Arteta? Mikel Arteta. So I don't know if you guys know this, but I love soccer.
Oh, oh, okay.

Speaker 2 And I've, all my life, I've been up to. I can't spell Mikel.
I don't even know how to spell that. M-I-K-E-L.

Speaker 2 Arteta. He got, he has it?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Poor Mikel Arteta.
Sorry, keep going. There is Mikel Arteta right there.
So Mikel Arteta was a midfielder for Arsenal. Arsenal is my favorite team of all time.
God, he's good looking.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and Mikel Arteta is now the manager of Arsenal FC. Right.

Speaker 2 And he has it. Wow.
And he's the coach. How come it doesn't say that he has it on any of these?

Speaker 2 Put Mikel Arteta coronavirus. I think it would pop up if he had it.
Just fucking say coronavirus. I don't know, man.
I feel like that would be the first thing that would come up, don't you think?

Speaker 2 coronavirus update as arsenal boss sends he's doing better he's in recovery

Speaker 2 he's in recovery god damn he's good looking he's actually very good i'd suck a fart out of his ass he played for everton but now he then he went to arsenal and now he's the manner he's very talented you think so many soccer players are so much better looking than other athletes because they have to use only their feet that does that doesn't matter though Yeah, because in football, you have to use your head.

Speaker 2 Okay, what about basketball? How come they don't have to use my... You know what I think? it's because these men are proportionately sized that's not what it is these guys aren't big guys

Speaker 2 and the bigger you get the more weird you get

Speaker 2 it's either the bigger you get or the tinier you get

Speaker 2 go ahead all right you have to understand that in euro here's what i really think about the whole thing i think i

Speaker 2 go ahead

Speaker 2 hold on i need a drink

Speaker 2 drinking again you have to understand that in uh in europe right in america if you're an athlete you're a young man right you you dream of being either in basketball, baseball, football.

Speaker 2 There's so many options for you, right? But in Europe, the number one sport is soccer.

Speaker 2 The whole world.

Speaker 2 But in Europe, too.

Speaker 2 So you have to understand that most people,

Speaker 2 kids growing up that athletic, they all go into soccer. Right.
So they're getting not only the best athletic people in soccer, but then you're getting also good-looking people.

Speaker 2 Why would that correlate to that still?

Speaker 2 just because you're the best athlete? I'm still, you're still not proving my point. You're still not proving the point.
Why would they be the best-looking just because they're the best athletes?

Speaker 2 There is no direct correlation between the best athletes. It just so happens that many people in soccer.
You want my guess? And I bet you, old, uh, old Fancy B over there can tell us. Say it.

Speaker 2 Because I said it. I want you to get canceled too.
No, because I'm white. Oh, right.
You can do it. Fancy B.
We'll call you that. Fancy B.
Fancy B. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Fancy B knows that, like, Spanish, a lot of the Spanish that get, you know, that get their kids, they're a lot lot of money, right? A lot of money.

Speaker 2 And, you know, money, looks, money, money and looks have this thing that come together. That's right.
Neither you nor I are that good looking. We didn't, our parents don't have a lot of money.

Speaker 2 People that are rich usually are good looking and they have good looking kids because they fuck people that are also good looking. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 If you are of this small ilk of people that are rich and good looking and have athletic genes, because usually that's what comes along with good looks, then you make Mikel Arteta.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you something? I bet you his parents are fuckable too. Look at Freddie Youngberg.
Freddie Youngberg. We're just going to be jerking off the soccer game.
game.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Freddie Youngberg is an Arsenal, ex-Arsenal player, too. Freddieberg.
Yeah, Youngberg.

Speaker 2 This guy, even Bald, he's fucking handsome. Yeah, but look at a young.
No, but I'm saying even Bald, he's good looking. That was my point.
When he was young, though? Oh, my fucking God.

Speaker 2 Right there, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, good looking guy. Look at his fucking joy line.
Suck my dick. Yeah.
Suck it. His joy line.
Yeah, yeah. There's so many, you're right.
Ronaldo's handsome. Cristiano Ronaldo isn't handsome.

Speaker 2 He is gorgeous. Big difference.
He's gorgeous.

Speaker 2 Handsome guys are like John Hamm is handsome. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Cristiano Ronaldo is fucking stunning.
That guy dripped sex. Yeah.
I'm not kidding, dude. I'm not gay at all anymore.

Speaker 2 I got rid of it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going to show you something.

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding. When I see Ronaldo on TV,

Speaker 2 I get why

Speaker 2 some people feel gay sometimes. Yeah.
He's fucking hot. Yeah.
His hair is nice. His smile, his eyes are cute.
Imagine what his butt looks like. Who? Moronalo.
Ronaldo.

Speaker 2 Imagine what his naked butt looks like. No cellulite.
A perfect crest between his thigh and his tush.

Speaker 2 But I'm going to give you. You can get it, Ronaldo.
I'm going to say this, though. Soccer players, too, right?

Speaker 2 The extreme opposite could happen as well. Yeah, there's some really fucking shit.

Speaker 2 There was a guy that, for Everton, he was the manager of Everton, but then he managed Manchester United.

Speaker 2 He also played. His name is David Moyes.

Speaker 2 But put young David Moyes.

Speaker 2 Young David Moyes? Yeah. M-O-Y-E-Z?

Speaker 2 M-O-Y-E-S.

Speaker 2 Young David Moyes. There he is.
Just get on the first photo. Fuck.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck, it's me.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 fuck, it's me. So that can happen as well.
Right, but that's rare. No, it's not.
I can name you so many ugly photos. Is he British, though? He's Scottish.
Same thing. Same, the UK.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But that's why. This is how I knew he was Scottish.
This right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, just sculpt my tooth front teeth.

Speaker 2 Hey, just sculpt my toe front teeth.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's it. They are bad with that shit over there.
And I'm not saying they don't do that. Brits and Scots aren't like that anymore, by the way.
They've advanced fucking.

Speaker 2 But back then, yeah, that was the old joke. Like, Brits have bad teeth.
Guess what? They did. They had fucking terrible teeth.
And look at the skin, vampire skin. Vampire skin.
They don't sleep.

Speaker 2 But here, but you know, like, here's my biggest thing:

Speaker 2 what?

Speaker 2 the difference of, like, look at this, like, Rudy, Rudy Gobert.

Speaker 2 He's an NBA player that got it. Yeah.
That got the fucking, that got the stuff, you know, that got the Corona. Yeah.
And, you know, like, he's not ugly, but he's just a, he's fine. He's fine.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's fine. He's fine.
That's average. Yeah.
But there's a lot of NBA players because let me ask you this. The bigger they get, the more goonier you, you naturally look goony.

Speaker 2 You look uny look unorthodox. Like, look at right there.
Like, this is a normal Donovan Mitchell. Normal looking, good-looking kid.
Good-looking kid. You know why? Why? Normal size.

Speaker 2 He's probably like 6'4, 6'5 ⁇ . He's not, once these guys get 6'10, they're like,

Speaker 2 they become these. Oh, Yao Ming.
Yes, yes.

Speaker 2 Maybe the ugliest guy to ever play in the fucking NBA. Hell, that's a stretch.
Yao Ming is by far the ugliest, ugliest player. Look at this fucking, this thing was made in a lab.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 This guy was made in a fucking lab. He was a fucking asshole, dude.
Yao Ming's a good dude. He was made in a lab.
There's nothing good about that word right there. Yeah, yeah.
He's kind of handsome.

Speaker 2 Giant. You're off your fucking ass.
He's kind of handsome. Not even a little bit.
Okay, China? For China. No, there's plenty of...
Okay, what about

Speaker 2 Jeremy Lin? Is he Chinese? No. What is he?

Speaker 2 Taiwanese. You don't even fucking...
But neither of you guys know. But imagine,

Speaker 2 if Yao Ming didn't play fucking basketball, what job would we have in China, you think?

Speaker 2 Jeremy Xu Hao-Lin is an American professional basketball for the Beijing Ducks of the Chinese Basketball Association.

Speaker 2 His background, Linsanity,

Speaker 2 is it Taiwanese? Oh, look, yeah, he was born in Torrance. Yeah, you're probably right.
There's literally no doubt. He's an American.
Christian family. Yeah, he's an American.

Speaker 2 He's an American just like me. Look at his mom, Gi Ming, and Shirley immigrated to Taiwan.
Yeah, Taiwanese. Bummer.
Let me ask you this. Well, he's good looking.

Speaker 2 Now, when, you know, this has been a gay court setting. I know Trump said it's a Chinese virus.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. Some reporter, they said a White House staffer called it

Speaker 2 Kung Flu. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Speaker 2 The kung flu.

Speaker 2 Yeah. The Kung Flu's come over.
It's taking over. Because I had an argument with Kalila the other night about, you know, because I go, is Chinese virus bad? And then she's like calling it that.

Speaker 2 Because it's, you know, there's a single thing. You're saying, is it bad for you to say it? No, is it bad for president? Because people are making a stink about, you know what I mean, Trump saying it.

Speaker 2 I know a lot of like Asian actors that are just up in arms. That's because they don't like Trump to begin with.
I mean, that's not, let's be real. That's true.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I don't, you know, I think Chinese virus isn't as bad as people say. But then, because my argument is, is they call it the sp hey, um, Fancy B.

Speaker 2 Are you offended they call it the Spanish flu? No, because it came from fucking Spain. Yeah, I mean, it was the first reported case, right?

Speaker 2 So that's why we call it, yeah, we called it Spanish flu because it was from Spanish.

Speaker 2 But then Kalela's argument is that, yeah, but when was the Spanish flu? It was in 1918. 1918.
The world wasn't as woke as we are now.

Speaker 2 I think if the Spanish flu happened now,

Speaker 2 her point is, is that we wouldn't call it the Spanish flu.

Speaker 2 We would call it something else. H1N1.

Speaker 2 That was the, and the bird flu and all that stuff. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I know what she's saying. I think it's because people are more racially sensitive now.
It's why we don't say Oriental. Except

Speaker 2 why do they call the rugs that still? Because the rugs are from the Orient region

Speaker 2 of the country. But if you said, you can't say Oriental food.

Speaker 2 It depends on where the food is from. Well, if the food was from there, the oriental region of the country.
By the way, the Orient doesn't exist anymore.

Speaker 2 So the rugs... I don't call it that.
I'm saying that says Oriental rug on a sign.

Speaker 2 I call it Chinaman rug. Okay, that makes sense.
Yeah, just call it Chinaman Rug. Yeah.
Let's just move on. Chinaman rug.
Yeah, yeah. Is Chinese food offensive? No, man.
Of course not. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So Chinese flu isn't either. Chinese food from China.
A Chinese flu from Chinese. Because I think what people are up in arms about is that he has a history.
Of being racist.

Speaker 2 Of using rhetoric, right, to divide. And I think that,

Speaker 2 if he was like, if it was somebody else saying it,

Speaker 2 it wouldn't be as, I don't think, as

Speaker 2 divisive. I disagree.
I think if any politician called it the Chinese flu, they would get flack for it right now, for sure. Yeah.
But look, it came from China.

Speaker 2 It's a Chinese flu.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's racist. And there's also.
If you called it the Qing Chong flu, yeah, then that would be bad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If it was a more slanderous term, but Chinese isn't slanderous. I don't want to get canceled right now, but I want to propose an idea.
You've said four things that will get you canceled last year.

Speaker 2 I know, but I've been locked up for five days. I know.
Say it, baby. Let it fly.
Fuck it. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 just don't eat the bat.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 there's certain things that, like, you know

Speaker 2 you know as as americans right we eat indian food yeah right we eat you know i mean the things that you're supposed to eat i believe well right okay i ain't gonna eat no fucking giraffe leg yeah but that but if that's part of your culture and it's normal then why would it be abnormal i don't think that it eating do you see them eating the live mice yeah it's crazy dipping it in you know the sauce that they have is go to the chicken the chicken yeah but what if that's the part of their culture it's normal just go to the chicken What if they can't afford it?

Speaker 2 Become vegetable. Kofu.

Speaker 2 Okay. You get your protein that way.
They have whey there. The problem is it's embedded into the culture.
Even the calendar. You're of the chicken.
You're of the goat. You're of the...

Speaker 2 They love weird. They love animals.
Yeah. They love animals.
Yeah, but if you ever go to like a Chinese market in like Beijing or whatever, not Beijing, but let's go. Even

Speaker 2 Hong Kong, for instance. Never, never going to go.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty sure you see things there that, you know, and I'll eat anything.

Speaker 2 I've eaten everything, right not bat just like there's just certain things like you know the shoulder of a meerkat don't eat it what if it's good

Speaker 2 you never know that's my point is who knows yeah I'm being I'm just playing devil's advocate I understand why people are mad that they're like you know because people are like I ate a fucking bat now I don't got a 401k it's like I look yeah but also

Speaker 2 This is part of their fucking

Speaker 2 It's part of their culture. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're right. I mean, maybe there are things that we don't eat because we just don't know.
Like, for instance, I think that we don't eat certain things because they just aesthetically look cute.

Speaker 2 Like panda, koala. Okay, dogs and cats.
Seriously, we don't eat them because we really like them. And I'm going to say this, too, about dogs.
And because I'm not going to get canceled, but...

Speaker 2 Make sure you get the sound button.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 if you talk to old

Speaker 2 Korean War American vets. My grandfather.
Right. And they've eaten dog because at the time...
They were fed dog. They were fed dog.
Right. And they say it's the most

Speaker 2 delicious meat they've ever had.

Speaker 2 That's what they say.

Speaker 2 Look, my grandfather passed away, unfortunately, so I can't ask him, but I don't, I don't know. That's what they say.
They say that it's good meat. It's tender, really good meat.

Speaker 2 So when I was there fighting them fucking Koreans,

Speaker 2 I got to tell you, I came down from a tough chopper mission. Yeah.
One of them little nice Korean birds, she fed me some, some, what she called was taco. She said taco.
Here, uh, sir, yeah, what's up?

Speaker 2 You're hungry, I'm starving. What is that? This is a meatloaf.
Oh, meat. I love me some fucking meatloaf.
Thank you so much. What's your name? Gyong.
Oh, nice to meet you, Gong. All right.

Speaker 2 Have some of this meatloafer.

Speaker 2 God.

Speaker 2 You're the one who is. What? Skip it.
Are you son of a bitch? You sit up.

Speaker 2 We're going to get fucking canceled.

Speaker 2 Can I be serious for a second? No jokes.

Speaker 2 I'm being very genuine right now.

Speaker 2 It was a tough weekend for me in Chicago because I have a family member that I'm not going to mention that's not having a good time with life.

Speaker 2 And it broke my heart and it gave me a lot of perspective on the world.

Speaker 2 So if I can offer any advice to anybody that's listening that's trying to get through all this stuff, all the jokes that Bob and I say and all this stuff,

Speaker 2 be sure to check in with your family. And I think it's...
I mean it. Stop it.
Is it because this facial hair is fucking... No, no, no.
It's just, first of all, the facial hair didn't work.

Speaker 2 Whatever you were trying to do. It looks good.
Yeah, whatever you're trying to do. The bit that you were trying to do.
It wasn't a bit. Yeah, you were.

Speaker 2 You were like, before the show, I have to say this. Before the show, he was in the fucking bathroom.
I couldn't even say one sentimental fucking thing.

Speaker 2 But he was in the bathroom and he's shaving. He's like, I want to do a bit.
Because, you know, Andrew's into bits. You know what I mean? Because he thinks this is SNL.
And he goes, what do you think?

Speaker 2 I didn't say I wanted to do a bit. What do you think? I said I was going to shave a mustache.
That's a wacky zany bit that we can do on the program. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 2 Let's fucking talk.

Speaker 2 Fucking talk, you fucking red-headed freak. I wanted to do a mustache for Eric Griffin.
Yeah, it didn't work whatever you were doing. It looks good.
I know, but it was silly. It is silly.

Speaker 2 That's the whole thing. You spent an hour in the fucking bathroom doing a bit that didn't work.

Speaker 2 Seven minutes I spent in there to shave my face while you had George on the phone with the fucking Wayans brothers. All right, so here's, I want to talk about that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want to talk about that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I finish my sentimental thing? Sorry, I have to finish it, but I might laugh. You can.
All right, go ahead. Finish it.

Speaker 2 Someone in my family is not doing well. They might be dying.
Are you going to laugh?

Speaker 2 Are you laughing at a dead family member?

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I might.

Speaker 2 Love your family. Reach out.

Speaker 2 I'm not. Start from the top.
Let's do this. Let's do this, okay? Honestly.
Honestly. Because I want to know if you're really sincere.
I am. All right.

Speaker 2 So if you're going to do this little fucking monologue,

Speaker 2 you cannot be fucking smirking

Speaker 2 regardless of what I'm doing. Okay, fine, here we go.
Right. So it's like, if, and it, once you start smirking, I'm going to end it and you don't get the fucking talent.
Fine. All right.

Speaker 2 So here we go. And I'm going to do another little setup.
All right. Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen. And a message from Sir.

Speaker 2 Hold on, let me start from the top. Well, don't fuck it up off the jump.
I know. Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, a heartfelt message from Sir Andrew Santino.

Speaker 2 Hi, America.

Speaker 2 Fuck it.

Speaker 2 Try it again. Try it again.
That was the first. I'll let you go.
I'll let you, right?

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen,

Speaker 2 a heartfelt message from Sir Andrew Santino.

Speaker 2 Just keep going.

Speaker 2 The Chinese put us in a bad position recently.

Speaker 2 I'm done.

Speaker 2 You can't do it. Call and text your family.

Speaker 2 What happened to your family? Nothing. Someone's not doing well.
Just call and text your family. It matters.
What's going on with her?

Speaker 2 End of the rope. I don't know.
Not feeling good. Not doing good.

Speaker 2 Does she have Corona? No.

Speaker 2 Okay. I'm sorry.
She's old. I'm sorry.
She's old. And it just made me check in more mentally.
I was like, oh, you should check in more with me.

Speaker 2 Do the message. Do the message without you.
You can smile. Do the message.
No, you should check in more with your family during the morning.

Speaker 2 If we take nothing from this shitty virus, it's that we should try to care about people. Somebody had a great phrase to me.
Somebody said,

Speaker 2 during the time of this virus, we'll find out who cares about their backyard as much as people care about their front yard. That's impressive.
I don't really understand that. Explain it to me.

Speaker 2 It means,

Speaker 2 are you going to try to contribute and care about other humans, or are you only going to care about yourself?

Speaker 2 What's the backyard? Your backyard means because you connect with neighbors. Like, do you care about those around you and in your community? Do you care?

Speaker 2 It's a metaphor for saying, like, are you going to use it?

Speaker 2 My specific message. It's a metaphor.
Are you going to use this? My specific backyard. Yeah, you don't have one.
It's instances of. You don't have one.
It's fenced. Okay.

Speaker 2 But beyond the fence, there's other people. All right, so say beyond.

Speaker 2 Beyond the backyard. We're going to find out during this virus whether you care about people, whether you care about your community.
Don't ever use that reference again.

Speaker 2 Just say whatever you're going to say. The phrase made perfect.
Didn't you get the fucking phrase? It's a metaphor saying, do you care about your community or do you just care about your house?

Speaker 2 That's like cleaning my side of the street when they say that. That's the same exact thing.
Yeah. Do you only care about cleaning your side of the street? There we go.

Speaker 2 Okay. I understand that one.
Because you do, don't you? You only sweep your side of the street are you out of your mind go away we're crows

Speaker 2 but that's racist you know what's so funny there's a there's a bet to see that if we'll if we'll keep the show going they said we'll see how long this lasts with these two goo oh no this is are you out of your mind when you when you're on lockdown for three days and i hate this piece of thank you for three fucking days i was like i can't wait for wednesday i can't wait for wednesday me too see this redheader freak you know i mean if i could i would kiss him.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I'd kiss you too. Yeah, but I would, this is what, this is my whole life now.
Yeah. Is doing these.
Well, it's this in touring for me.

Speaker 2 So now we can't tour. That's it.

Speaker 2 Do you want to bring a little bit of light into this episode?

Speaker 2 I love light. Okay, so last week we had Andres Rosende do the news,

Speaker 2 which we loved. We loved it.
A lot of the fans enjoyed it a lot. I want Andres to

Speaker 2 do a little bit, his stand-up. Do you want to do your stand-up bit?

Speaker 2 Andreas is going to do stand-up for us. Okay, good.
I love it. Are you excited? All right, we'll be right back.

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody. Hope you're having a great time.
I'm Mitch. I'm the host of the show, and welcome to the Chuckle Fuck Factory here in Wisconsin.
Try the chicken wings.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know, they're new on the menu. Anyway,

Speaker 2 man,

Speaker 2 that guy fell off the cliff on Isuzu Falls the other day. It's like, you know what I mean? Like, anyway, that bit's not working.
But anyway, we are

Speaker 2 our next comic, he does clubs and colleges all over the country.

Speaker 2 He's been on BET's Comic View.

Speaker 2 He's also been on something on Nickelodeon. I don't know.
But anyway, he's really, he's from

Speaker 2 Spain.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 he's a fancy. He's a fancy B.

Speaker 2 Anyway, it's his first time on stage.

Speaker 2 I don't know, he seems like a funny guy.

Speaker 2 My name is is Mitch, by the way.

Speaker 2 How about a round of applause for Andreas Kochashko?

Speaker 2 Hey,

Speaker 3 round of applause for Mitch. Thank you, Mitch.

Speaker 3 It's so great to be here.

Speaker 3 Is everybody celebrating anything?

Speaker 3 All right.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 3 you know, Tom Brady announced that he might be playing in Tampa Bay, Florida next season.

Speaker 3 Seems like a lateral move to me since like Florida is basically the New England of the South. Racism, meth, Dunkin' Donnets.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 3 A sex talk company, Taboo, announced a new line of vibrators with removable batteries. Finally, I'm not gonna have those embarrassing moments at TSA.

Speaker 3 And do you guys know some grocery stores are offering elderly hours for our elderly shoppers?

Speaker 3 Putting all those gills in one spot is gonna be like fishing with a gun in a barrel for me.

Speaker 3 And you know, Daniel Ratcliffe, aka Harry Potter,

Speaker 3 admitted he was drunk during the filming of Harry Potter and the Deadly Hollows.

Speaker 2 I get it.

Speaker 3 I will be blackout too if I found Hermione was

Speaker 3 going out with a ginger. Those are gross.
Hey!

Speaker 2 Son of a bitch!

Speaker 3 And Rhys Witherspoon opened Lily to Vanity Fair saying bad things happened to her as a teen in Hollywood.

Speaker 2 We know.

Speaker 3 We saw election.

Speaker 3 Okay, that was a hit at home.

Speaker 3 Nevada is officially closing every casino in the Vegas Strip. This will cripple the tourism industry and really hurt professional gamblers like Nick Papagiorgio.

Speaker 3 Google Arts partnered with more than 2,500 museums to offer virtual tours online.

Speaker 3 You now can go to the Louvre in Paris, the Smithsonians in DC, or you can finally dive into that anime porn you've been having an eye on.

Speaker 3 During an interview with the New Yorker, singer Fiona Apple said she quit cocaine after an excruciating night with Quentin Tarantino and Paul Thomas Anderson.

Speaker 3 I, for one, am shocked Quentin Tarantino does cocaine.

Speaker 3 Paleontologists have discovered the wonder chicken, and it's 67 million years old. But you know what? I bet it still tastes like chicken.

Speaker 3 Four motor company shut down all North American production during this pandemic.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 3 looks like Ferrari won.

Speaker 3 And Marvel is postponing the release of of his new superhero movie, Black Widow.

Speaker 2 Of course. I bet if it was White Widow, they would have put it on.

Speaker 3 Well, that's all for me. Thank you.
Thank you for my time. Thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Holy round of applause for Andreas Cakara Radar.

Speaker 2 I never really got monologues either. Like, when I watched Carson as a kid, I loved when the guests were there.
Yeah, I liked it when he failed. That was good.
And he would do a golf swim. I get that.

Speaker 2 When he would go, two more guys were arrested in the east side, obviously, for carrying drugs. Should have called them thug drugs.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I like that picture.
Yeah, he would just take a swing. Yeah, I love that.
I never understood it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I think that's just not, that's not the kind of comedy that you and I loved anyway. It was late night stuff never made me.

Speaker 2 I always loved the interviews. Like Letterman, I only liked the interviews.

Speaker 2 I would skip the monologue and just wait till he, because he was so fucking.

Speaker 2 What was the first comic where you went as a kid and you went, oh,

Speaker 2 I like this.

Speaker 2 I think the first comic that made me laugh hard was Eddie Murphy. Like, like, actually laugh.
Yeah, like delirious.

Speaker 2 It made me laugh. Laugh hard.
He was just so physical. Like, I'd never seen that kind of, you know what I mean? Right.
He also had this like rock starry kind of thing. He was a god.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it never, I'd never seen anything like it. And the first guy to make me like think, think about comedy was Carlin.

Speaker 2 Like when I heard some of his stuff, I was like, wow, you can be funny and have kind of a point, you know, have a point beneath it. For me, it was Kinnison.

Speaker 2 Yeah, really? Yeah, because Sam Kinnison had a visceral kind of quality to him. It was like emotion and real pure anger.
I had never seen comedy.

Speaker 2 He didn't do your standard setup coming up. He was so far from it.
So, to me,

Speaker 2 I remember watching it, that first Young Comedian Specials with Rodney Dangerfield. Don Marrero was on it, I think.
At At the store, right? No, I don't know if it was at the comedy store, but.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no, no. At the improv.
Yeah, I think it was at the improv. Yeah, but it was just, to me,

Speaker 2 just eye-opening because you get to see just different styles that I'd never seen. Right.
And people swearing and talking about sex in a way that I didn't think you could even say. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was just really, you know, I never got to meet him. But although when I

Speaker 2 Shore toured with Kinnison, Pauli, when I was young, I was maybe 24 years old or 25 years old. He goes,

Speaker 2 we're going to do the same tour that Sam took me on.

Speaker 2 And so we did the same exact cities that he did with Sam. And then at the end of the tour, Pauli took me to Kinnison's gravesite.

Speaker 2 And not only that, but Carl LeBow,

Speaker 2 who was... who held Sam Kinnison's body

Speaker 2 when he was dying on that freeway in Nevada. Carl LeBeau became a very good friend of mine.

Speaker 2 I fixed his teeth because this is when I was starting to make money and he had a toothache and I took him to the dentist. That's really good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because, but I only, I mean, I think in retrospect, I only did that because I had such a obsession, not obsession, but he was just such a big role model for me.

Speaker 2 And then here's what's greatest, the greatest thing that I ever got from is there was a Sam Kinnison had a couple of sisters that used to live with him?

Speaker 2 He wasn't fucking them. He was, they're just girls.
And one of the girls. I wouldn't have thought he was fucking them.

Speaker 2 His sisters? No, not his own sisters. There were two sisters that weren't related to him.

Speaker 2 Dude, I thought you were like, you live with his sisters. And he's not fucking.
It's not like he's fucking his sisters. But one of them used to hang out at the store a lot.

Speaker 2 And she knew my obsession with Kinnison. And she

Speaker 2 came to my house, to the club, and

Speaker 2 she had a plastic bag.

Speaker 2 And it was a sam kinnison shirt oh wow that he used to wear on stage that was never washed because you can smell the salt on it yeah right and i still have that fucking shirt you need to frame it by i will frame it yeah yeah frame that but um that's so incredible yeah so i've always had a respect for that's why i hate disrespect

Speaker 2 for like the the older generation yeah i have such respect for the older generation for people that did it before us yeah yeah even the ones that weren't even that good

Speaker 2 i'll be honest honest like guys that i don't even well because they just they were they were like leaders i i this is um this is a fun story i'll give you this i don't think i've ever told this one this i was in i was writing like bad sketch jokes my like first year in la

Speaker 2 with with a friend of mine at the coffee bean i don't even think it's there anymore across from the mall and um it's late and they're about to close down

Speaker 2 and uh In walks Norm McDonald. And the girl says to me, who I'm writing with, this girl that I worked worked with at a production company, she says to me, she goes, oh, yeah,

Speaker 2 you know who that is, right? And I go, holy fuck. Holy shit.
And she goes, that's the Bob Dole guy. I go, the Bob Dole guy? I would have ripped her eyes out.

Speaker 2 I mean, I was like, it's fucking Norm McDonald. She's like, no, I know.
I forgot his name. I was like, oh, what?

Speaker 2 So we sit there and I'm kind of fanboying out. And I'm on, I'm just kind of, you know, like not trying to face him.
And he's ordering coffee.

Speaker 2 And I keep kind of looking over just to like, cause you just want to get a glimpse. Cause when you're up 22, I just moved to LA.
I I was like, fuck, holy shit, it's Norm McDonald.

Speaker 2 He, he comes, he comes near where the coffee is. He looks over.
She's a pretty girl, okay? And obviously doesn't see me at all, doesn't know I exist.

Speaker 2 And he's kind of trying to talk her up a little bit. He's like, hey, what do you guys, what are you guys doing? And she goes, oh, we're.

Speaker 2 We're writing sketches. And he goes, oh, yeah, I know a thing or two about sketches.
And both of us were like, yeah, no, we know.

Speaker 2 And I started to stumble. I'm like, no,

Speaker 2 I'm a fan of what you sketches.

Speaker 2 And he goes, okay. Well,

Speaker 2 I'm going to go next door. I'm going to get a Steinbeck novel.
Barnes and Noble. It used to be a Barnes and Noble.
He goes, I'm going to get a Steinbeck novel.

Speaker 2 I'm laughing, thinking he's just making jokes. And he goes, I'll be back.
Okay, I'll be back. And he walks out and I'm like, whoa, how fucking cool was that?

Speaker 2 Hand of God. He comes back in with a Steinbeck novel and sits down by us and just starts talking.
Oh, my God. I swear on my life.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 It was almost like you started a norm engine and you just wanted to talk. So he just started talking and talking and talking and telling stories.

Speaker 2 And I shouldn't tell it, like, I don't want want to fuck it up, but

Speaker 2 the best story he told, I said, What was your most like secret fun thing that happened at SNL? That, like, you know, like, what was some inside shit?

Speaker 2 And he goes, uh,

Speaker 2 Smigl and I, Robert Smeigel, if you know who Robert Smigl is, he's Triumph the Insult comic dog. He's the voice and the genius behind that.
Smigel's a fucking phenomenal genius, writer, and comedian.

Speaker 2 He goes, Smeigel and I,

Speaker 2 we used to write sketches for Tracy. Because we knew Tracy Morgan, we knew Tracy, you know, he was bad in table reads.
He couldn't read for shit.

Speaker 2 You know, he's a fucking stumble through words, you know. So we were one time we wrote this sketch that we knew was going to tank.
Lauren hated it.

Speaker 2 And we showed it to Tracy anyway because we knew he had trouble reading. He had someone helping him read.
He had a bad time with S's.

Speaker 2 So we wrote this sketch about this guy, he's like a gay animal handler named Brian Fellows. Do you remember that sketch? Yeah, yeah.
Brian Fellows.

Speaker 2 And he goes, yeah, if you look, the best part for us was it was Brian Fellows, apostrophe S, Safari Planet. It was three S's in a row, is the sketch that we pitched.

Speaker 2 So in the room, even though the sketch was bad, we knew Tracy would go, Brian Fellows, this is Brian Fellows, this is Safari Planet.

Speaker 2 And we knew we would crush in the room. He goes, and everybody lost it.
He was like, the sketch was terrible.

Speaker 2 But Tracy would go, Brian Fellows, this is Safari Planet.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And Norm was, and Norm goes, and he goes, that is the funniest thing.
We used to fuck with Tracy all the time. And dude, I was like, my heart was filled with comedy warmth.

Speaker 2 This is the most wild part. Again, I don't believe that this happened.
I'm, I, to myself, I'm going, this is a lie. You're making this up.
Right. But she's my proof.

Speaker 2 We walk out when they finally close the doors. After they're like, Mr.
McDonald can stay. You know, they fucking the coffee bean kids are sitting just listening.

Speaker 2 We all walk outside and he starts taking off, kind of headed north on La Cienega. And as a joke, my friend goes,

Speaker 2 Do you want to ride? Are you walking? And he goes, ah, no, no, no, I don't want to get in the car with you. And we start laughing and he goes, okay, shotgun.

Speaker 2 And he comes and runs, sits in the front seat. No.
And I swear to God, in my life,

Speaker 2 her car, I'm sitting in the back seat. And he's showing us where to go.
And we drop him off at his house.

Speaker 2 and or you know at this complex and he gets out and he kind of opens a door and we haven't said we didn't say anything the whole car ride right we just listened to him going left here right here and he gets out and he turns and looks in the car and all he said he just goes good luck or uh whatever.

Speaker 2 And closes the door. Wow.

Speaker 2 That was my Norm McDonald moment in comedy. But he was one of those guys that I was like, when he did Weekend Update, I thought, I was like, that's the funniest guy to read.
He was the best at that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because

Speaker 2 I don't find it funny. He was the only person that I found funny in that position.
He didn't care.

Speaker 2 The jokes were him making a joke about the joke. Right.

Speaker 2 That's how funny it was.

Speaker 2 And after I saw him do that,

Speaker 2 I thought, that's the guy that can write jokes better than anybody anybody that I,

Speaker 2 I didn't know anyone that could write a joke like that where it's like, it's really clever, it's funny, but he throws it in the trash. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's like he wrote it, he's like, ha ha, there, and throws it away. Can I tell you what happened to me where they fucked with me at Matt TV? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So back in the day,

Speaker 2 we would do a table reads on a Tuesday, but on a Monday night, they would, they would send, they had a guide that drive to everyone's house and drive and drop off the fucking script. Oh, yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 The packet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Back in the PA days. Back in the PA days, right? So he would go to like 15 people's houses, right?

Speaker 2 But so there's this young girl named Katie Diphold. Yeah, you know Katie Dipold.
You know Katie, right? She wrote Ghostbusters. Bridesmaids.
And Bridesmaids. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But Katie was a writer at Mad TV. And Katie, this was the last table read we did because the show was canceled.
So she decided to do a trick.

Speaker 2 So what she did was she wrote a sketch with Nicole Parker and Krista Flanagan, right? And I think Johnny Sanchez was also in the sketch. And

Speaker 2 so everyone got there. It's only those three.
But in my packet, I was in the sketch.

Speaker 2 Right? But no one was else's, no one knows that I'm in the sketch. Right.
Right. But in my packet, in the sketch, I'm just, I don't know why I'm there.
My character's in there.

Speaker 2 But basically, I'm going. Between their dialogue, in mine, I'm saying, I'm losing it.

Speaker 2 And then they would do a couple of lines. I'm snapping

Speaker 2 everyone in this room is gonna die soon,

Speaker 2 and at the end of the sketch, it's me going like it's a do bird noises

Speaker 2 and then to act like a dinosaur

Speaker 2 Like in the midst of them doing the dialogue

Speaker 2 the network the producers No one knew Katie did it inside just her

Speaker 2 only Katie knew oh my god

Speaker 2 so the sketch is bombing of course right people are backing up from their seats, right? Because I'm saying crazy shit. Everyone's going to die.
Right.

Speaker 2 And all I could see is Katie, her face red with tears, just

Speaker 2 giggling, right?

Speaker 2 Losing you. Right.
So at the end of the

Speaker 2 sketch, the room is completely silent.

Speaker 2 And I just kind of, hey, I fucked it up, huh? Because I knew that my care, I was like, you're not getting laughs. Right.
Right. Right.

Speaker 2 And I should have, I'm an idiot that I should have questioned, like, why is this guy here? Yeah, what is it? What does that make sense?

Speaker 2 And Katie let 15 seconds pass. Beautiful.
Right. And then she goes, she stood up and goes, Bobby has a different sketch there.
And then everyone starts laughing. And they have it on tape.
Right.

Speaker 2 But it was, I was so furious. You were mad? At first, yeah.
Yeah, but then you realize it's a good joke. It's insane.
That's a fun joke. It's a fun joke, but crazy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but when things are canceled like that, you have to kind of feel,

Speaker 2 you have to kind of let stuff go because you're like, well, we're fucked. Yeah.
Dude,

Speaker 2 when me and

Speaker 2 Griff knew I'm dying up here was just kind of like a dead-end thing. It was not going to come back.
Yeah. All we did was fuck around.
I mean, what can you do? I know. You feel it.

Speaker 2 The crew is like, you can hear the crew being like, you know, like gaffing something to being like, yeah, no, this piece of shit ain't coming back now. I'm getting this job.
They say it out loud.

Speaker 2 Oh, they don't give a fuck.

Speaker 2 They don't give a fuck. You're a fucking loser actor.
They're working men and women. You are a fucking play person.

Speaker 2 They're real people with real jobs. So

Speaker 2 they're the first people to go, yeah, this thing I fucking could fuck that. We've got another gig in Temecula.

Speaker 2 But fucking with Griff was what, that was one of my favorite things to do on that show. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 this happened in the fucking beginning is I told a bunch of people to like stand by my, stand by me because I told Griff that I got a call from my agent saying that he's going to die after the first season.

Speaker 2 And I had him in a fucking sheer panic. Dude, everybody was like, I thought you knew.
Like we thought it was like a constant. No.
Swear to God, you can ask him. So he called his fucking agent.
No.

Speaker 2 And panic. He was like, they're going to kill me in this first season.
They're going to kill me. You didn't tell me that.

Speaker 2 All I did was fuck with Griff. We had a, this was my favorite thing.
This was another favorite thing. Everybody that knows Griff knows Griff.
Griff, you know, Griff's a hungry, hungry hippo.

Speaker 2 He likes to eat. And

Speaker 2 he's my boy.

Speaker 2 We would have meals together all the time.

Speaker 2 We got a special truck for one of the photo shoots. Somebody ordered that, one of the production orders, like a, sometimes you get a special meal truck instead of the normal catering meal.

Speaker 2 And it's always like so good. And everyone's excited because it's not the normal shit that you're always getting.
And we're taking pictures.

Speaker 2 And the photographer is like, she's like, Santino, and then Ari and then Jake. And Griff's like, he's looking outside because the truck now, people are starting to go eat.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he's like, ah, we're going to put, let me get mine first.

Speaker 2 Let me get mine out the way.

Speaker 2 And the photographer is in on it with me because I've told them

Speaker 2 to make him go dead last. Right? Yeah.
And the photographer is like, okay, okay, okay. And you could tell the dude, he was nervous because he was like, fuck, I don't want to get in trouble.

Speaker 2 I go, just do it. Just say you're going to do it.
He goes, okay, man, yeah. But y'all can't switch with me.
And everyone's like, no, I don't want to switch. I want to fucking just do my photos.

Speaker 2 And he's getting nervous. He sees more people.
The crew is going up to the truck. Now all the actors, now all the background is going up to the truck.
People are, oh my tacos. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 I run up to the truck and I go, hey, just

Speaker 2 say that you're out of chicken, shrimp, and beef. So all you have is vegetarian left.

Speaker 2 Yo, I have it on video. I have it on video.

Speaker 2 I have it on my phone. I have it on video.
Yeah. So Griff

Speaker 2 takes his picture. Griff takes his pictures.
And he goes up to the truck and I'm hiding. Like a fucking, I'm like 15 cars away.
I'm like in the parking lot and I'm hiding with my iPhone.

Speaker 2 And you can see him kind of saunter up to the truck and you see him go to the window like this. And I swear to God, he just goes, he goes,

Speaker 2 no

Speaker 2 and he turns and he goes they out the shrimp they out the shrimp they out the chicken they out the beef too y'all had to take your photos there I ain't got nothing we're dying we're all eating tacos dying and then finally the truck guy he walks away mad he's pissed he storms away mad and the truck guy comes out he's like hey man we're just kidding we're just kidding we no we have shrimp for you don't worry you was a jokes on your friend and griff is like man santino

Speaker 2 got my fucking sugar all messed up

Speaker 2 messing with him was the only fun thing in the lieu of what was happening,

Speaker 2 we had to have fun. I was so nervous of like this sadness keep piling up.

Speaker 2 I remember, though, when you guys were on that show and

Speaker 2 the

Speaker 2 first of all, you were contractually obligated, right? So you couldn't do anything else. Yeah, you're still

Speaker 2 doing it. How many episodes, like you would have to do, like a small number

Speaker 2 a year. We did 10, but

Speaker 2 they were hour-long episodes. So our shoot schedule took like twice as long as a normal TV show.
Right. And also, ours was a period show.
So things had to be dressed like the 70s.

Speaker 2 So when we would shoot on location,

Speaker 2 dude, it was forever. It would take forever.
It's so funny because we shut down, dude, we shut down Fairfax Boulevard from Beverly to Melrose. Wow.
In the middle of the city. Wow.

Speaker 2 It was chaos. It was insane.
I remember when Eric Griffin and I got a call saying that Jim Carrey.

Speaker 2 was doing showcases at the store. Yeah, at the store, yeah.
And I remember I got on the showcase, right? And I go, is everyone in the room? Right, so everyone's in the room. Yeah.
And I fucking

Speaker 2 destroyed. Yeah.
But in my mind, I'm like, I'm not going to. Who am I going to fucking play? Yeah.
There wasn't.

Speaker 2 Why am I on this? Who's the first Asian comedian that was famous back then? Was there any famous Asian comedian? Johnny Yoon. But Johnny Yoon wasn't until the 80s? Yeah.
Yeah, so not the 70s.

Speaker 2 Yeah, not the 70s. Yeah.
That's a wild none. But then I go, I know that the bar staff were all Asian.
They were. I know.

Speaker 2 Or black. Or Or on the show, they're black, too.
Oh, they are? Yeah. I couldn't get to that part.
No, they gave it to black guys. So there were no Thai people? There was a Thai guy in the kitchen.

Speaker 2 Who got that? The Thai guy that works at the store.

Speaker 2 No. Are you being real? No, not him.

Speaker 2 I thought it was heart. You know, it was heart.

Speaker 2 No, seriously,

Speaker 2 it was young black dudes that bartended. Apparently, that was like part of the rhetoric.

Speaker 2 No, because back then, because I know that Mitzi and Pauly had an obsession with Sir Kirk, it was all a Thai staff in the 70s. Yeah.
So I guess there was no part for me. Yeah, but I mean, you know.

Speaker 2 Can we go back to the girl, though, that didn't know Norm McDonald?

Speaker 2 So you were with a girl. Yeah.
And she was a P she worked as a PA with me. She's a PA.
And she goes, what'd she say? about Norm McConnell. She was a guy from?

Speaker 2 No, she said that's that's Bob Dole.

Speaker 2 So, oh, from the from SNL.

Speaker 2 Bob Dole. Right.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Does it annoy you when young people don't know certain things? Well,

Speaker 2 first of all, she's a year older than me. It annoys me when somebody in the comedy world misses a comedy thing that I think is obvious.
Yeah. Because I'm like, how do you not know who that is?

Speaker 2 That's like a hero of ours. I had a Tinder date once before Kalila.
Yeah. And

Speaker 2 so we're driving to a restaurant and Space Oddity is playing on the radio. Oh, yeah.
What do you mean? Oh, right. David Bowie.

Speaker 2 And she goes,

Speaker 2 Oh, I love the song Major Tom from Ziggy Stardust. And I just, I wanted to pull over.

Speaker 2 I wanted to pull over to the side of the road and go, Okay, you can get the fuck out. Get out.
Your meal is right here. I don't know why, but when people do shit like that, I start losing my mind.

Speaker 2 Does it make you feel older? Is that why? Because you're like,

Speaker 2 I just think that if you love it, if you're going to say out loud, I love this. Right, because you know, you know what the fuck it is, bitch.

Speaker 2 You know what what I mean? Don't make a grand, you know, I love this statement. Yeah.
But it's wrong. People do that all.

Speaker 2 But see, I do that for fun. I think that's funny sometimes.
I'll do that sometimes. Like if it's

Speaker 2 like a Rod Stewart song. Right.
Sometimes like if I'm out in public at the bar, if I'm waiting for a drink, I'll go, fucking love Paul Simon. Just to see the guy next to me go, is this Paul Simon?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It makes me, I like doing that. You know what I do?

Speaker 2 If like thriller or something's playing on the radio, like in a restaurant or something, I always go, who sings this?

Speaker 2 And I like, they go, really?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've heard it before. Who sings it? Because I don't want to Shazam.
Yeah, I don't want to go. And then they go, they go, Michael Jackson? Michael Jackson.
Michael, the baseball player?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always do that.
Yeah, it's so. Who sings this?

Speaker 2 There was a friend of a friend who went on a date with a girl who said, And I don't know if this is a bad joke,

Speaker 2 if she was joking around, but the Rolling Stones, Beast of burden, I'll never be your beast of burden. She thought it said, I'll never be your pizza burner.

Speaker 2 No, I swear that's what he said. I'll never be your pizza burner.
Yeah. Which, if you listen to it, I'll never be your pizza burner.
Kind of sounds like it. Koreans,

Speaker 2 right, when the Beatles were big,

Speaker 2 thought Let It Be,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, let me guess. They thought the song,

Speaker 2 Let It Be. No, you're not going to get it.
They thought it was

Speaker 2 Medachi. Meda G.
Which is anchovy.

Speaker 2 So my mom would sing if Let It Be was. She'd go, Medachi.

Speaker 2 Medachi. I go, it's not, what the fuck? It's not.
Why would they write a song about anchovies, mom? Because they're good. They are very good.
They're very good.

Speaker 2 They are very good. Medichi means anchovy in Korean.
Yeah, yeah. Meda Chi.
Yeah. Medichi.
By the way,

Speaker 2 I saw the Japanese, there is a Japanese sensation of a Beatles cover band in

Speaker 2 when I was in Tokyo in Roppongi.

Speaker 2 That was recently, right? Yeah. A couple years ago?

Speaker 2 Two years ago. In the Red Light District down there.
You brought yourself? No. You brought your wife? She was with me.
And so what, you know who was there? Aristotle Athere. You know Aristotle.

Speaker 2 Oh, I love Aristotle. He was in town.

Speaker 2 They were shooting something. And actually, one of the guys, this is even more fun of a story.
I don't know if I've told this before, but he was in town. I did tell you this.
I told you that.

Speaker 2 I don't know if it was on this show,

Speaker 2 but this guy was in town, this guy, this cameraman.

Speaker 2 and we're fucking shit-faced at this underground nightclub, like for teenagers.

Speaker 2 We're the oldest by a landslide. And they have like two days in Japan.
He's drinking double fist and he's chugging. He's kind of a portly Midwest guy.
And he's sweating,

Speaker 2 dripping with sweat. And the music is

Speaker 2 and he's bouncing up and down. And Aristotle goes up to him and he looks, dude, his face, his eyes, he looked happier than you've ever seen a human in your entire life.
Aristotle.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, this man, this guy,

Speaker 2 this guy. And Stato goes, hey, man, how you doing? Like,

Speaker 2 checking in on him? Yeah, yeah. And the guy goes like this.
He goes,

Speaker 2 he goes,

Speaker 2 I really miss my kids.

Speaker 2 Blacked out of his fucking mind. Oh, really? Yeah,

Speaker 2 he was lost. I really missed my kids.
So fucking funny. So funny.

Speaker 2 No, but we went to go see the Japanese, the famous Japanese Beatles. Wow.
They were, and I'm not kidding. Like the real thing?

Speaker 2 They were better than the real thing. You've never seen the real thing.
You fuck face. I don't care.
I saw them there in Japan. Yeah.
These motherfuckers were phenomenal. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was thinking I was going to get some, they were going to get like phonetics correct, but some of the, no.

Speaker 2 What the fuck was that? You want to ruin the flow?

Speaker 2 Are you out of your fucking mind, Jorge? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do directors do that when they're shooting? Why did you do that? It was blocking my face? It was a block in his face. Yeah, it was blocking your face, sir.
Don't talk.

Speaker 2 You don't talk fuck.

Speaker 2 All right, what are you talking for? Good Andreas is riding high off that stand-up set. Yeah,

Speaker 2 you know, I think Asians are the only race

Speaker 2 where people are allowed because Paulie Shore, right? Every time I'm around him, he sings out loud at the spa.

Speaker 2 We'll walk into the Korean spa and he'll just a cappella, Chinese people are the best people in the world.

Speaker 2 Right? And Koreans are just washing themselves and they ignore him. They're just washing, right? He keeps going, he'll touch their heads, Chinese people, and just Koreans,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? And they'll just

Speaker 2 say shit. Yeah, they let him do it.
Yeah, but it's time. It's time.
That we say shit. Like, that's not

Speaker 2 fucking okay. Well, why don't you say something to Paula? You're with him.
I keep pulling him aside. Hey, I know this has been 25 years.
You've been doing this every day for 25 years. Literally.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 25 years. Yeah.
Right? Every fucking day. It's enough.
And I go, hey, for 25 years, you know that I'm Korean. I know about the Chinese people.
And he'll just keep doing it.

Speaker 2 And it's like, I love him and I let him do it. I do love him.
He's like a brother to me. You know, I love Pauli so much.

Speaker 2 But it's like, it's, you know, it's time for us as a people, you know, I mean, you know, it's this, you know, we have to be more woke. Yeah.
So I was doing sometimes.

Speaker 2 When I was in doing Harold and Kumar 3, we were shooting in Michigan. Really? Yeah.
Why Michigan? Because back then, I guess they had

Speaker 2 tax breaks. Tax breaks.

Speaker 2 So I remember John, his trailer was farther away because he's the number one on the call sheet, right? So he was shooting more closer to my trailer. So he goes, yo, dude, can I use your bathroom?

Speaker 2 I go, yeah, go, John. So John uses my bathroom.
But at the same time, I had 10 minutes before that asked for some Advil because I had a headache.

Speaker 2 So the medical guy, he didn't know John was in my trailer. And I was smoking, you know, by the little steps there.
Sure. And he comes around the corner of the medical guy and he goes, Mr.
Ree.

Speaker 2 He's a white guy. Mr.
Ree. I have you.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 And John flies. out of the fucking trailer, go, what the fuck, man? What's up with the accent? He's like, it's just a joke, you know.
I just do it

Speaker 2 for my Asian friends. I have a lot of Asian friends.
You know how they try to justify. Covering it up.
Yeah. He's like, if you ever do that accent again, you're not going to be working in this movie.

Speaker 2 Oh, damn. And he walks away.
He was the medic? Is that what he did? The medic. And the medic blushed.
And I went,

Speaker 2 you can do it in front of me.

Speaker 2 But just don't do it in front of him. You know what I mean? Yeah.
But I realize, I go, it's not okay. Yeah, no.
You know, but people still feel like we, the reason why is because we don't say shit.

Speaker 2 But here's the thing. It's only okay if there's a pre-established relationship, right? Yeah.
Like I was talking to someone about this. They were asking me, why is it okay,

Speaker 2 an older gentleman, why is it okay for

Speaker 2 black people to say the N-word? And I had this long-winded conversation. I was like, because it's taking away power from a word that whites used to use to denigrate black people.
Right.

Speaker 2 He's like, yeah, but doesn't that perpetuate the negativity, putting it out there? I said, not when you own the word.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 it's only okay contextually if you've made it okay. So like if you fucking joke with me and we make it okay,

Speaker 2 but it has to be a predetermined thing. Yeah.
And there's no rules. There's no like, it's just a thing that you must know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's it's funny. Like black people, black people will call me the n-word sometimes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I don't even know how to feel. Yeah.
Like I'm like, I have to go, I'm going with it. I can't say it back, but I also like don't, I don't know how to react to it sometimes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I call the cops on them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's, it's, it's getting,

Speaker 2 it's, no, you didn't. Oh.

Speaker 2 I believed you for a second. I know.
That's insane. No, that's how I do it.
I know, I know, but truthfully, I do have black friends that say the, call me the N-word, or they'll say it in conversation.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's a part of the flow. Yeah.
But it's interesting to see when other people see them say it to me. Yeah.
And they're like, why does he have it?

Speaker 2 It's funny how sensitive we're becoming because it's like, you know, I'm on a game show coming out. What is it called? What's going on? It's called Game On.
It's coming out. It's on CBS.

Speaker 2 Game On on CBS. CBS Tuesday nights, 8 p.m.
Featuring Bob Lee. It's, you know, me, Rob Grinkowski, Venus Williams.
Oh, I saw the preview, yeah. Did you really? I did.
Yeah, there's a preview online.

Speaker 2 Was I in the preview? No.

Speaker 2 I wasn't? No. Wow.

Speaker 2 It was a Gronk thing. It was a Gronk thing.
It was was just him. Okay, good.

Speaker 2 But anyway, I'm on it, and I'm on his team. It's just me and Gronkowski versus Ian Carmel and Venus Williams.
Oh,

Speaker 2 it showed Ian and

Speaker 2 Williams, sister, and then it just showed Gronk by himself. It's fine.

Speaker 2 I know what you're trying to do. In the ad, it literally said Rob Grinkowski versus Venus and Ian Carmel.
That's fine.

Speaker 2 Huh. It said a one-man show versus a two-person team.

Speaker 2 So when I was on the show, right? Yeah. So they, you

Speaker 2 when they hired me, they were like, you know, we want you to do what you do on Tiger Belly and your podcasting. Right.

Speaker 2 And then I go, okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Keep going.
Did they fucking shame me here? No, I just want to see the I want to see the imagery. Images.
Go ahead. Were they asked you what you want to do on the...

Speaker 2 No, so

Speaker 2 they want, you know,

Speaker 2 we like your, you know, what you do on podcasts. So I go, in my heart, I'm like,

Speaker 2 okay, good. I'm just going to do my thing.
Yeah, just fuck around. So I remember, we're shooting, we do a panel, Keegan's on it, and they're doing a panel.
And

Speaker 2 they mentioned,

Speaker 2 you know, they put an athlete on, you know, on the screen, and they go, what are the things that this person would love to do? And one of them was Renaissance Fair. The other one was barbecues.

Speaker 2 And the other one. And everyone, and

Speaker 2 I was saying, it's not Renaissance fairs because black people don't go to Renaissance fairs.

Speaker 2 Right? There ain't no fucking black hobbits. No.
Right? Something like that. Right.
I remember, cut, cut!

Speaker 2 I hear, cut, cut, cut, cut. And people just, producers coming down, surrounding me.

Speaker 2 You can't,

Speaker 2 you can't say that. You can't make a joke? And I go, I just said that black people don't go to Renaissance fairs.
They don't. I know.
My point, though, is that, but that's where we're at. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Comedy-wise. What, was Keegan there? Yeah.
Did he laugh? No one laughed. Keegan didn't.
They act as if I said the the N-word. Did you follow it up with the N-word? No, no, no, I didn't.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. Wait, but Keegan, did you say to Keegan?

Speaker 2 Were you offended by that? Yeah, another joke was

Speaker 2 my mustache and Ian goes, you look like Freddie Mercury, right? I go, sick, Freddie Mercury?

Speaker 2 Cut! Cut! Why don't you get

Speaker 2 it?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? So what I'm saying is, is that... AIDS isn't even real.
I know, but my point is, is that it's fun because on this,

Speaker 2 when we're on here we i don't know what it is is is that are we

Speaker 2 not up to the times

Speaker 2 or are we being too sensitive is the world being too sensitive is what the question is okay well i'll answer it to the best of my ability yeah what we do here because i call him fancy beaner and now yeah if i said that on any tv show girin you're fucked i'm canceled but here's the deal this is a comedy podcast the whole point of this is to have the freedom to joke around.

Speaker 2 I mean, none of this, this is fucking ridiculous.

Speaker 2 This is fucking, the whole thing is fucking insane.

Speaker 2 So it's like I got,

Speaker 2 there's an understanding that this is

Speaker 2 chaos and stupid and goofy and 99% of what we say is probably a joke or fake or just us fucking around. Yeah.
This isn't a sentimental heart-to-heart podcast. It doesn't matter though.

Speaker 2 We are saying things that aren't woke. No, but no, no.

Speaker 2 In fact, I think they're probably more woke because we're breaking down the barriers of how annoying it is to be so questioning everything unless it's detrimental for somebody.

Speaker 2 Nothing on the show is going to be detrimental for somebody. This is all for fun.
This is actually to break away from how nonsense it is to be over-parenting what we do and what we say. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look, there was a guy on Twitter. I posted the other day, Ariana.
No, which one is it? Vanessa Hudgens put up a video of her being like,

Speaker 2 you go on my Twitter. She's like, yeah, it's like the virus is going to

Speaker 2 kill people, but like, that's inevitable or inevitable or whatever. It's like going to happen.
But, like, I'm like, I respect the virus, but

Speaker 2 it's like, what are you going to do? You know? And she's like flippant about it, right? Right. All I did was retweet it and I wrote, V.
Hudge will lead us into salvation. Just joke.
This is the voice.

Speaker 2 You know, just like fucking around. By the way, I'm not even criticizing her.

Speaker 2 I don't care. I think it's funny.
But she's canceled. No, she's fine.
Well, she released a statement last night saying, oh my God, I'm so sorry about being insensitive. That's my problem.

Speaker 2 She can't make a a flippant statement without having to apologize. She didn't even say anything that bad.
Yeah. Last week, Andre said that gays, Jews, blacks are going to get the virus and he won't.

Speaker 2 Remember that? Yeah, he said that out loud. Yeah.
And he's not. He's fine.
We just know that

Speaker 2 in this world,

Speaker 2 our fans have an agreement with us or new viewers that this is fucking, it's a joke. This is all fucking, it's bullshit.
Yeah. This guy says, this guy tweets him.

Speaker 2 Of all the people that like the tweet, and a lot of people then take it and they're like, stupid bitch. And it's like, well, that wasn't my intention.

Speaker 2 I was just thinking, I thought it was funny that she was just flippant about a virus. Right.
Yeah. I didn't call her any names.
Some guy writes me and goes,

Speaker 2 way to go, buddy.

Speaker 2 Mocking someone's da-da-da moment when it's clickbait. All you're going to do is gain a couple of followers from it.
Congratulations. And I wrote back to him, hey, buddy, I'm a comedian.

Speaker 2 This is Twitter.

Speaker 2 And gaining some followers off of something I tweet is exactly what we're doing here. What the fuck do you think we're doing here? Twitter is a fake.
I go, none of this matters. Twitter is fake.

Speaker 2 This isn't CNN. This isn't a news source.
So that's my point. It's like, we know, Bad Friends fans know.
This is all for fun. God.

Speaker 2 We're going to be fine. It's all for fun.
No,

Speaker 2 the reason why I do Tiger Belly and this

Speaker 2 is because I'm tired of like waiting in line and then saying things that people tell me to say and then them conforming to what people want me to conform to totally originally I did this just so that I could just say whatever the fuck I want to we do that's the that's half of the fun I know but my point though is is that there are times where I lay in bed and I go you know is it is Andrew and I prehistoric

Speaker 2 are we saying things we shouldn't yeah have we not changed our thinking where do you want to what do you want to change well I want to be able to get to the point where I

Speaker 2 look at Andreas and I call him fancy beaner.

Speaker 2 But it's so funny. It's so real though.
He is a fancy beaner. And

Speaker 2 that's the thing that I can't get my head on. Okay, so I would argue the language, that kind of language.
Yeah. And he knows it's in jest.
He's our friend. He's laughing.
He's laughing.

Speaker 2 He's like a fucking fancy beaner.

Speaker 2 I think knowing that there is nothing but love and friendship in this room, that the context is endearing, is the only way we can move forward with language, knowing that

Speaker 2 none of that is intently meant to be mean right yeah yeah the guy that that was like oh mr re mr re with this the medic he doesn't have that relationship with john so he can't do that shit right everything neither did i but he did it you know but you you could have been like hey don't say that shit i don't like that shit you're not my friend yeah and and getting rid of that as a whole of a white guy going oh

Speaker 2 if if you wanted to get rid of it as a whole then you should say i don't want to hear it anymore it's not fun anymore i don't want you know what

Speaker 2 Say it. Yeah.
You doing Asian accents, dude? Yeah, go ahead. Hurts my feelings.
Okay. And I don't want you to do it anymore.

Speaker 2 You heard it here first.

Speaker 2 That's why it's funny. Yeah, yeah.
Because none of it is, none of, there's no negative intent. I really meant that, but it's okay.
We'll let it go. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Cancel Andrew. There's no negative intent.
I think that's the purpose. The problem is, yeah, like I said, it's a fucking vague line.

Speaker 2 Why is it that when we shit on each other, we know it's love. And then when the medic says something

Speaker 2 like, you know, demeaning, it's more serious.

Speaker 2 There's an unwritten rule of friendship in relationships that you don't, that will never be able to explain. Yeah.
It's like if I was a medic and the guy was red-headed and I said, here are your...

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Like, I wouldn't do that if I didn't know the person. But if you know them, it's funny.
It's funny if I know them, but it's like the medic doesn't know me. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So that's what's crazy about it. Well, but you like it.
Why is it in his

Speaker 2 head? It thinks it's okay. Because you sometimes perpetuate it.
Maybe you bring it on or say it's okay or you encourage it. Right.
Okay. So if you say be more woke,

Speaker 2 then you would need to be more vocal about things you don't like when people do it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to stop with you. I don't want you to stop.
That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah.
But I know that that's a thing that exists. Yeah.
Andreas,

Speaker 2 if he doesn't like you calling him a fancy bee, if he didn't like it. Andreas, when I call you a fancy

Speaker 2 bee,

Speaker 2 does that offend you?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 Do you think it's funny or do you think it's just annoying?

Speaker 3 I think it's funny.

Speaker 2 Is it annoying, though? No. There we go.

Speaker 2 And here's the thing.

Speaker 2 We pay him, so we can say whatever we want to him. That's true.
He's ours. We own him.
That's a power play. You're our employee and we own you.
You understand? Yeah. Say yes, sir.

Speaker 2 Say yes, sirs.

Speaker 2 Yes, sir.

Speaker 2 It's so terrible. Here's another.
No, but if you, but if you were annoyed, he'd probably say something. Yeah.
But this is a relationship of a comedy show. That's the whole point.
I know what you mean.

Speaker 2 You want to be more woke. No, I don't.

Speaker 2 You said sometimes you lay in bed. I lay in bed, and I think to myself, why is it that I find certain things humorous that

Speaker 2 millennials wouldn't? Okay, let me stop you right there.

Speaker 2 There's two parts to this that think what you just said. Why do I find it funny?

Speaker 2 Why do you find it funny that making fun of our differences, that when you make fun of my stupid, ugly red face and you make fun of him and we make fun, why is it that we find that funny?

Speaker 2 Because it's comforting, because we know that the thing we share is like, I make fun of you, you make fun of me, you make fun of George. George, really, we always just make fun of George.

Speaker 2 He doesn't make fun of anybody.

Speaker 2 But that's just, that's the relationship that exists. So I'm saying, you find it funny because it's inherently funny to tease each other about differences.
I think that that's

Speaker 2 make

Speaker 2 that since the dawn of time no of course right of course of course of course yeah there is an unhealthy version and there's a healthy version in my opinion using around in here healthy we're in a this is our this is our vacuum this is what we love on the outside if you want to be more woke yeah that's social awareness but that's just that's a balance that we'll learn over time right

Speaker 2 like you know how when you see okay when you're out in public and um

Speaker 2 and when you see a when you're when you're in the corner store and a and a black guy walks into the corner store yeah you know how you usually go run and you leave as fast

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 you can't do that anymore right right

Speaker 2 you know it's

Speaker 2 language is delicate and it's all contextual that's what i'll say yeah you know what's you know what i hate too right

Speaker 2 one time i was walking down the street i was in cleveland i was going to hilarities or something okay and i um

Speaker 2 i was going from the club to you know it's not that far from the club to the hotel. Right.
So I was walking and I was like, do I have my key?

Speaker 2 Right. So I always put my key in my right back pocket.
Do I have my key? As soon as I did this, I was walking by a black person. He goes, I'm not going to steal your wallet, motherfucker.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I walked by, I was just looking for a key key.

Speaker 2 I didn't say that out loud. But it looks like you were protecting your wallet.
It looked like I was... No, I was just like, at the same time, he's like, I'm not going to, you're right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's like, am I going to steal your shit? Right. My wallet happened to be back there.

Speaker 2 But, you know, another incident is I was in DC. What did you, but what did you say back to him? Nothing.
I just let him pass and I was just like angry that I'm like, dude, I don't think that.

Speaker 2 Fucker. You should have said to him.
He goes, Yeah, but I don't. Also, I always feel like if I get in a confrontation with somebody, it's going to exceed to a here.
Let's play it out.

Speaker 2 You say to me, you say to me,

Speaker 2 this is how it should have gone. You say to me, I'm not going to steal your wallet.
You're the black guy. I'm you.
We're walking by. Ready?

Speaker 2 I'm not going to steal your wallet, motherfucker. Well, it's happened before.

Speaker 2 That's not what you say.

Speaker 2 Another thing is, I was in D.C., I was at a hot dog, you know, that place that Bill Cosby loves, that hot dog place in DC. I love Bill Cosby.
I hate hot dogs, but I love Bill Cosby.

Speaker 2 And I was at that hot dog place, and I was walking out of there, and

Speaker 2 I was like in the way of a black man.

Speaker 2 And I go, and and I go, I go, excuse me, brother.

Speaker 2 And you said, I'm not your brother,

Speaker 2 right? And like,

Speaker 2 yeah, I didn't say I was black or nothing. I was just like, you know, I know we're not literal brothers, but you're a fellow human being.
Like, I didn't say that.

Speaker 2 I just kind of went, did I do the wrong thing? You know what I mean? Yeah, you felt like you did. You said the wrong thing.
You meant brother as a term of endearment. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 So, you know, people are so overly,

Speaker 2 even strangers are so overly just sensitive.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it depends on your approach and it depends on their mood, right? Yeah. I shouldn't take it personally because I don't know their life experiences.
I have no idea.

Speaker 2 I've never walked in their shoes. I have no idea, you know, where they're coming at.
Well, you probably have nicer shoes than them. That's the other side of it.

Speaker 2 I have an $800 pair of golden goosebumps. Let's play out the scene that you said, I'm not your brother.
Let's see how this should have gone. So I'm the black guy again.
Yeah, and I'm you. Ready?

Speaker 2 Here we go. All right.

Speaker 2 Oh, excuse me, brother. I didn't mean to get.
I'm not your brother, motherfucker.

Speaker 2 Thank God my brother's successful and smart and not trash like you.

Speaker 2 That's what you should have said.

Speaker 2 It's insane. No, but you know what, though? By the way, you doing the bad black voice is bad.

Speaker 2 That's what I just did. That's my point, though.
What? If you want to get... No, no, no.
Fuck you, because...

Speaker 2 Fuck you, because... Hey, wait a minute.
I'm just saying. If you want to be more woke, then you have to do his voice.
It can't be like, I'm not your brother, motherfucker.

Speaker 2 That was a literal, that was a literal

Speaker 2 person that I'm impersonating. Everybody, whether they're black or white.
So let's do that. You want me to do this? So

Speaker 2 you be me again. Okay.
No, you be you, and then I'll be the black guy. No,

Speaker 2 I'll show you how you should have said it. If you were the black guy.
Here's how. Here's how the black guy should say.
You want to get the laugh here. Okay, good.

Speaker 2 No, not the laugh. Yeah, right.
Here's what the black guy should have sounded like. All right.
So, excuse me, brother. I'm not your brother.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 I should have done it like that. Yeah, just regular voice.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You were like, I'm not your brother, motherfucker. Like it was a 70s fucking.

Speaker 2 Can we do one thing that's super racist? Just we'll cut it out. Leave it in.
No, we'll cut it out. So this is how I wanted to say it.
Okay, so I'll do it. Let's do it.
You're the black guy.

Speaker 2 I'm the black guy. Yeah, so I go, excuse me, brother.
I'm not your brother, motherfucker.

Speaker 2 My brother just texted me, so I want to promote you. Oh, speaking of Real Brothers, speaking of Real Brothers, Stevie Weeby,

Speaker 2 Bob's brother,

Speaker 2 Steve has a new album on it. He has a new EP that just came out.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's.

Speaker 2 It's called Ode to My Pops. Ode to My Pops.
He sent it to me. His hip-hop name is Kwang U, which is his Korean name.

Speaker 2 So that's, I was going to say, I was like, what is that? Kwang U. K-U-A-N-G-O-U.
U. Kwang U.
Kwang U. It's called O to My Pops, EP because my dad died in August and he

Speaker 2 wrote an EP and it's really good. I've listened to it.
I love it.

Speaker 2 It's on stebieweebybandcamp.com. Yeah, we'll put up the link in the description.
Go to stebbieweeby.bandcamp.com.

Speaker 2 My brother's been working hard on it and Eric Griffin loves it. I love it.
People love it.

Speaker 2 Keep this shit, I think. Yeah, he is a talented young man.
Can you plug in my phone? My phone is on Bluetooth. I just got this text.
Hey, you guys, my phone is on Bluetooth. I want to see if I can.

Speaker 2 Here's a text right here. All right.
You know who Michael Rosenbaum is? Yeah, I love him. I don't think you do because.
Why? He goes, hey, gorgeous, can you get Andrew Santino on my pod?

Speaker 2 Nobody is doing shit. He's got time.
Love you.

Speaker 2 We all have time. We're all dying.
So Michael Rosenbaum. Him and I already texted about it.
I just can't get a schedule down between doing mine and this one. Well, you have, you're in quarantine.

Speaker 2 You have everyday free. This just happened, Bob.
You have everyday free. Don't fuck with my friend, man.
He's Lex Luthor, bro.

Speaker 2 He wanted to schedule this before the quarantine when I was on the road.

Speaker 2 You're getting a text today now that we're in quarantine. Yeah, I'm going to call him right now.
That's true.

Speaker 2 Bobby?

Speaker 2 Hey, Michael. So Andrew Santino, I'm next to him right now.
Hey,

Speaker 2 Bob. And he goes, I go, can you do his podcast? And Andrew Santino, literally, this is literally what he said.
Fuck that guy. Yeah, that's what I said.
So I don't know what that means.

Speaker 2 Rosie, Rosie, I actually said, I said, I said, I don't like anybody that associates with you, Bobby. So fuck that guy.
I don't like him at all. I don't like the way he looks.

Speaker 2 Well, he basically said he has all the time in the world, so he'll schedule, okay? Basically, yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you tell him that Santina, are you there? Yeah, baby.

Speaker 2 I asked Bobby what his

Speaker 2 dad's Korean name was, and he said something like Sung-Jik something. And I go,

Speaker 2 what's my Korean name? He said, Suck Dick Ju.

Speaker 2 All right, Michael, he'll call you at a reschedule, okay? Suck Dick Ju? Suck Dick Ju. All right.
All right, bye. All right.
I love you, both.

Speaker 2 Love you both.

Speaker 2 Just two seconds. This.
I want to play this two seconds. This is your brother.
This is your brother. Ready?

Speaker 2 Singing by Sadie was a fallen leaf. Couldn't pick him up.
A lifetime is brief. All homage to my pops and what he's in chief.
From Korean to the land of strikes. VFP.

Speaker 2 So dope. I like it.
I know. I do like it a lot.
He said it to me and I enjoy it. I don't know how much of it we can play without

Speaker 2 fucking iTunes or somebody getting it. Well, I got to go back to the quarantine, so I think we should end it.
Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. Look into the camera and end it.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Can we do it with an accent this time? No.