Should I Be Scared?

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Speaker 2 I was in Washington with Kalila, and we're at a restaurant, and the lady next to us dies. Shut up.
She started choking? No, she just died. Collapsed.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And Kalila gets up,

Speaker 2 and she's now, because Kalila's a nurse, so she's doing like compressions on the chest. Yeah.
And everyone's calling 911. It's chaos.

Speaker 2 And Kalila looks up, and I have my iPad with me, and I'm playing Candy Crush.

Speaker 2 We're mom friends.

Speaker 2 You're ready to start it. We already started.
What are you wearing?

Speaker 2 Oh, you're doing jokes. You're doing a fucking...

Speaker 2 You're doing a fucking...

Speaker 2 Welcome back to Bad Friends. You're doing a joke.
No, I'm trying to stay protected. It's so dumb what you're doing right now.
I have no idea what's going to happen, Bob.

Speaker 2 But you...

Speaker 2 But you...

Speaker 2 But you're saying that I'm Chinese? I didn't say you're Chinese.

Speaker 2 Then why don't I... Where's Where's my suit?

Speaker 2 You don't.

Speaker 2 What if I get sick? From who? From you. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 you're closer to the.

Speaker 2 No, it's fucking racist. It's not racist.
Yeah, it's like when that politician was saying, it's the China coronavirus. First of all, I'm not Chinese.
But you're it's close.

Speaker 2 It's not close at all because I'm an American. I've never even been there.
You've been to Korea? Yeah, like 10 years ago to do a music video.

Speaker 2 Who knows if it started 10 years ago and it just latched on to you and held on for a long time. Oh, you fucking idiot.
We do have a. Can we have, can we get his suit, please? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I don't want one. I don't need one.
You just said,

Speaker 2 don't even give me one. Don't even give me one because the thing is that it's a bit.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? He's doing some sort of SNL bit. This isn't a bit.
You're going to do some sort of like scientist character now about no, I'm just who guy now? I'm just trying to stay safe.

Speaker 2 Do you like some of the new art that got put up? Look behind you. Beautiful, darling.
You're pure gold.

Speaker 2 Honestly, dude, you know, you got to stop shopping at IKEA. No, no, no.
This is George. I said to George, I goes, let's get first, or let's go to IKEA.
I said to George,

Speaker 2 I said, George, get some great stuff. And he got some great stuff here.
Can we show? Give me scissors. Do you have scissors? I gotta take this off.
Whoa, whoa, I'm gonna go. Well, Bob, I spent so long

Speaker 2 putting that up. I was at Target for like an hour and a half yesterday choosing all this stuff.
Target? Yeah. Yeah.
He picked out some great stuff.

Speaker 2 Like one of the top 300 podcasts in the world, you're gonna fucking put go to Target.

Speaker 2 See what I mean? You do set up all this for one laugh.

Speaker 2 See what happens? And now you're embarrassed. You're like, oh, should I take this suit off or not? No, I'm going to leave the shoot on, but I want to show you some of the other cool art.

Speaker 2 Look at the roses.

Speaker 2 Look at the roses. Look at that.
That's a tapestry. Does that remind you of home?

Speaker 2 There you go. Thank you, Bob.
Bob. Oh, God.
Look at this. Look at how cute that is, little wreath.
Look at this flower. It's just like that we're in that movie fucking Summer Summer.

Speaker 2 What's that movie with the score movie? Summer Summer. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Uh-oh.
Oh, oh last night hey look it knows look it knows what does it know

Speaker 2 it knows what it knows it

Speaker 2 nothing knows nothing it knows here's another thing dude what last night what get out of here

Speaker 2 yell at him more yell at him more

Speaker 2 give me scissors so i can cut this down

Speaker 2 right there give me those scissors that he's got I'm gonna cut it down because I want you to be honest now. Look, it's a I just want to stay stay stay safe.

Speaker 2 Stay stay.

Speaker 2 Stay stay.

Speaker 2 Last night, I'm at the comedy store, and so I'm bringing up Chris Dahlia on stage. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we do a little banter. And so

Speaker 2 he makes a scene in front of the audience because we're friends. So he makes, you know, a little banter and like about a phone call we had or whatever.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then afterwards, these two frat jockey dudes that walk up to me after the show. Hey, what's up, bro?

Speaker 2 No, they fucking love you, Bob. Yeah, no, they don't do that.
They go, you know, Crystalia?

Speaker 2 Because you did a banter with them. I go, Bitchy bitchies.
He knows me as well.

Speaker 2 Little bitchy bitchies. You didn't like it that they didn't know who you were? Is that what it was?

Speaker 2 And they go, can we meet him? Yeah. As if I'm sort of like now his agent or his like publicist or something.
Well, could you make it happen? I did. Okay.

Speaker 2 I didn't meet him great.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 Bob Saget, every time I see Bob Sagett now, for the last 15 years, he doesn't say, hey, Bobby. He doesn't say, you know, hey, how's life?

Speaker 2 This is what he says. He always says, what is his opening line? He says,

Speaker 2 I almost didn't recognize you with clothes on.

Speaker 2 Well.

Speaker 2 Bitch, be bitchy, bitch, Bob Sagitt. Papa not a nudist.

Speaker 2 Bitchy, bitch. Hey, bitchy bitch.
Papa wears clothes all the time. Do you really? Twice I got naked on something that he saw me on.
You're an exhibitionist for sure. You do get naked a lot.

Speaker 2 Not as an older man, bitchy bitch.

Speaker 2 Don't get mad. I'm not Bob Sagitt.
Oh, that's right. Sorry, my bad.
Don't get mad at me. Here, I'll be Bob Sagitt.
Ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, Bob.

Speaker 2 One time I fucked Michelle on set.

Speaker 2 He does that on stage. I know.
He talks about fucking the kids from Full House on stage. I know.

Speaker 2 It's funny, though. It's not.
It's gross. Yeah, it's disgusting.
Those are are creepy.

Speaker 2 He did the show with kids. It's creepy stuff.
I don't like it at all. I don't like it.
I don't like it. He literally goes like, one time Michelle was licking my butt.

Speaker 2 I don't know who the Michelle is. Is that a good one? That's the little girl.
It's the little tiny baby. Oh, that was his wife.

Speaker 2 In the show. Oh, Michelle's a little one? He didn't have a wife.
He was gay on the show. Oh, he was? Wasn't he gay on the show? Michelle's a little one? Michelle's the baby.
Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 You told me that to the baby. Dude, he used to make jokes about it.
I saw him do it at the factory a long time ago. I don't know if he still does that stuff.

Speaker 2 He was gay on that show, though, wasn't he? Was he a gay? Was he gay? Is he gay now? Is he gay now? I don't know. I don't think so.
He seems it. No, but I think on the show he was gay.

Speaker 2 He's what a nice guy, though. I don't know.
I love him. He's just open.
You don't know him. I don't know him.
You know, I love all those old ones. We don't know each other.
I like him. I like

Speaker 2 Howie Mandel a lot. I don't know him either.
You don't? No.

Speaker 2 He likes what? I like

Speaker 2 Louis Andry.

Speaker 2 Louis Anderson? Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 2 he's a very interesting man. Why are you upset right now? Did you have a bad night last night?

Speaker 2 You bitchy. Tell me what happened.
Hey, bitchy, bitch. Did you have a long night last night? No, I'm going to tell you something right now.
What I say to you privately

Speaker 2 coming here

Speaker 2 isn't necessarily stuff. And I already told you.
I already told you that I didn't even want to talk about nothing. We're not going to talk about it.
Okay. But, you know, I...
You were up all night.

Speaker 2 I was up all night. You got no sleep.
That's all you have to say. I had no sleep last night.
So you're bummed. I'm sorry.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 and do you think it's depleting your immune system and you might get corona

Speaker 2 hey man huh are you gonna keep with this coronavirus stuff man because it's what's happening what five people have it five people have it in la maybe thousands of people have it in on planet earth you know how many people live on planet earth how many

Speaker 2 at least 500,000.

Speaker 2 There's no way it's at least. There's millions, billions of people that live on Earth.
There's billions of people that live on on planet earth and it's like um

Speaker 2 you know if i if i went like in in wuha

Speaker 2 wuhan wherever that place is you know what i mean

Speaker 2 wuhan you know the chinamen on it you know the chinamen that live there

Speaker 2 so racist

Speaker 2 i'm sorry no the chinese beautiful chinese people that live there

Speaker 2 there's a billion people that live there if i brought you to a beach right if i brought you so how many people died from it three three thousand maybe how many people have died died so far in in in china a lot three thousand i think upwards of five or six thousand if let's suppose that's the case that's a lot okay go ahead let's suppose it but there's a billion people that live there

Speaker 2 that's like if i said hey on this beach one grain of sand on this beach has the coronavirus So don't put your foot on it.

Speaker 2 You would be, you would, you would be making sand castles, running around the beach. You wouldn't give a fuck, bro.

Speaker 2 125,000 cases, four 4 500 deaths on earth yeah you know how many people die from uh the flu hiv

Speaker 2 how many people die from hiv i don't know a year in fact today did you hear what happened no the second case ever of hiv got cured in london oh in the history of hiv the second guy on earth yeah cured oh so we can we cure we can cure the hiv now oh we can freeball it now we can freeball it oh

Speaker 2 don't use condoms don't use condoms. Dude, how crazy is that? The second guy on earth?

Speaker 2 It's so funny because it's like all these little cure things happen when I, you know, so for instance, you know, I got in a long-term relationship. So now that doesn't even matter to me.

Speaker 2 What, the Hiv? Yeah, because I can't freeball up with random women because I'm in a relationship. And it's the same thing.
I got sober and then they legalized marijuana. Yeah, you want to come back?

Speaker 2 No, I can't do any of those anymore. That's a good thing, though, right? Look, this is still a climbing number.
This is still gonna keep going.

Speaker 2 You know, some of the fans have sent in videos saying that they're fighting Corona and they want to show you how they're fighting Corona. Can I show you how some of them are?

Speaker 2 This is this is Tevin Frame, he's fighting Corona his own way. Yeah, here's Tevin.
Let's see what he has to say. Okay,

Speaker 2 what's up, bad friends? I heard you guys were looking for a video about how I'm fighting against the coronavirus. So here it is.
Right now, I'm following a strict regimen of

Speaker 2 supplements that I take three times a day. These supplements include elderberry syrup, vitamin C, and locally sourced honey.

Speaker 2 Now I know what you're thinking. It's good.
How do these products help me fight against the coronavirus? 824 movie.

Speaker 2 Well done.

Speaker 2 Oh, cute. Cute doggy.

Speaker 2 The truth is, I don't know.

Speaker 2 But I haven't gotten the coronavirus yet. Maybe I have some natural ability to understand it.
Tell me what you guys think.

Speaker 2 What a cute cute young man. He's a cute guy.
What do you think? Do you think he's doing all the right things? It looked like it. This one, this is from Kara Gray.

Speaker 2 Sounds like a porn star, but it's not. She looks Russian.
Russian. She says, I'm fighting coronavirus.

Speaker 2 Like 15 knives in her pocket.

Speaker 2 I sell bootleg DVD of bad boys.

Speaker 3 Hey guys, my name is Kara, and I am dealing with the coronavirus.

Speaker 2 I've been hanging out with all the dogs at my work, like beautiful Princess Lazy.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 i love dog though so cute

Speaker 2 in the world yeah but also i like girls that look like that but also is

Speaker 2 so white is this dog blind she's chinese does that dog have no eyes oh my god look at that fucking dog does it have no eyes yeah i don't get it look this look oh maybe it was a chin maybe it's high chinese or this is a wuhan dog it's a wuhan dog this is a wuhan dog

Speaker 2 oh boy well kara you're done but wuhan dogs when they're alive that's a good thing. That is a good thing.

Speaker 2 This is Jeremy, what does that say? La Nassa. This guy is in Texas drunk.
He sent me this drunk in Texas. Look at what he's doing, ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, God. Even his wife or girlfriend said, you're disgusting.
It cuts it off. But look, he's licking this table, this park bench.

Speaker 2 Oh. No thanks.
No, thank you. No, thank you.
He definitely has it. And this last one is a great song.
This was sent in. Oh, my God.
It's Eric Griffin.

Speaker 2 Riffin' with Griffin.

Speaker 2 Riffin' with Griffin. This is sent in from Craig Lee Chemonet.
Look at this.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. How good is that song?

Speaker 2 Who wrote it? We don't know, but we have a translator. Andreas can translate.
What is he saying right there? Some of that stuff.

Speaker 5 It's saying, take care, coronavirus is around.

Speaker 2 Take care, coronavirus is around. Listen to the rest of it.
He'll keep translating. Ready? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What does that say?

Speaker 2 Corona, corona, corona. Pora pido.
Perfecto. What's porridapido? Coronavirus.

Speaker 5 It's coronavirus in Spanish.

Speaker 2 Coronavidos? Exactly. So he's just saying corona, corona, corona.
Coronavirus. Okay, what's in?

Speaker 2 Let's hear the rest. Ready?

Speaker 5 What is he saying? He's saying, I have a headache, my knees hurt. I put my mask on and take my pills.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 2 What is that? What was the last part?

Speaker 5 I don't know.

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Speaker 2 all right thank you so much for the translations no really that i appreciate it that was some great fans submittal thank you guys for telling us how you guys are fighting coronavirus i appreciate it very much yeah but i called my i was gonna try to think i was thinking because i have to go to denver right now are you canceling shows well i was i called my people i go um are people canceling or they're they're not yet buddy dude so i'm like nikki glazer just texted texted me this morning, literally on the way here, and was like, hey, are you around?

Speaker 2 I'm in LA.

Speaker 2 I've canceled Seattle.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I just

Speaker 2 I'm about to sell out Seattle for next month, and I think it's all going to get canceled. All that stuff.
Yeah, I think I'm already going to cancel Houston, maybe

Speaker 2 Ontario. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Ontario's right here. I'll just drive there.
That's close.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Houston, you're going to cancel all that stuff? I'm scared of what I'm going to cancel.

Speaker 2 I'm supposed to go to Connecticut next week. Yeah, I'm, but I was calling about them.
They're like, well,

Speaker 2 you know, no one else is doing. I mean, we, we canceled

Speaker 2 Coachella and all these gigantic festivals. I don't see the difference between, they go, but clubs are fine, but, but it's still people congregating in an area.
It's all the same. Are you scared?

Speaker 2 Be honest. Be honest.
I think that if I get it, I'm the type of guy that's going to die from it. Why? Because I have weak lungs.
Because you smoke? It's because I smoke. But you're still healthy.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't have like any physical I don't have diaboto diabetes diabetes diabetes and I don't have um Bobby got diabetes I don't have any of those things but I um I think I'm always on the fence you know like my doctor always my doctor always always was always like

Speaker 2 yeah you're you're on the fence about on a lot of things really yeah I don't think so yeah you're not a fucking doctor yes I am yes I am give me your pulse give me your wrist I'm gonna read your pulse come here

Speaker 2 one two three four five six nine, twelve.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You're fine.

Speaker 2 Well, I know it works. No, but I'm saying I did the math.
You're fine. You're good.
Are you being real? Open your mouth. Let me see.
Open your mouth. Open your wide.
Open your wide. Make a noise.

Speaker 2 Go, ah.

Speaker 2 Perfect.

Speaker 2 No, look. You have no training.
Yes, I do.

Speaker 2 I took CPR.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 I was CPR certified because I was a lifeguard and used to have to go one and two and three and blow, one and two and three and blow. And now they don't want you to touch their mouth.

Speaker 2 You're supposed to just punch them as hard as you can in the chest until they wake up. Yeah, I'm the type of guy that wouldn't do that.
Like if I'm at a restaurant. If I was, if you, me, you would.

Speaker 2 You would push my chest. You would compress my chest.
There's no way. You wouldn't try to save my fucking life? I'd play Candy Crush or something.
While I'm dying?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because this actually happened. I was in, remember, I was in Washington.
I was in Washington with Kalila, and we were at a restaurant. And the lady next to us dies.
Shut up. She started choking?

Speaker 2 No, she just died. Collapsed.
You know what I mean? And Kalila gets up

Speaker 2 and she's now, because Kalila's a nurse, so she's doing like compressions on the chest. Yeah.
And everyone's calling 911. It's chaos.

Speaker 2 And Kalila looks up, and I have my iPad with me, and I'm playing Candy Crush.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you why. I'm not doing it because I'm evil.
No, but she's not doing it.

Speaker 2 No, it's not because it was just so gnarly that I had to just like do something else. Yeah, no, I get it.

Speaker 2 And I have another thing that I do that I don't really talk about, but if I'm on an elevator and anyone over the age of 60 walks onto the elevator, I'll get off. You'll hold your breath.

Speaker 2 No, I'll get off the elevator. Period.
Anytime. Every time.
Why? Because, especially if I'm alone in the elevator, because if this person dies, I'll probably just leave. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And because I don't want to, I don't know how to call and I don't know what, who to call. I don't know what papers to sign.
I don't know who to interview with. I got shit to do.

Speaker 2 You don't have to do almost any of that. If you died in an elevator and you're just by yourself,

Speaker 2 you can't just leave. You would just go, somebody died in there, and then they show up, and then the paramedics help them.
Okay, so let's get this. Let's play this out.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 2 I'm in an elevator. Yeah.
Old man walks in.

Speaker 2 The old man walks in.

Speaker 2 And then he goes, Hello, young man.

Speaker 2 I was in the Korean War. Because old people always say something like that.
Or they'll say, you know, I love that Chinese restaurant down the street.

Speaker 2 And I'll be like, okay, cool.

Speaker 2 My heart.

Speaker 2 Dead, right?

Speaker 2 Elevator open. I call.

Speaker 2 Hi, um.

Speaker 2 Is this the hospital? I don't know who to call. Is this hospital? Well, you had to call 911.
Oh, fuck that 911 911 yes

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 an old man died

Speaker 2 what's the address i don't know

Speaker 2 i'll be right back and i gotta run outside i gotta look at the address it's five five four four three

Speaker 2 what street sir what street are we on they're at tamberland tamberland what state California California. Oh, fuck California.
Tamberlin, 995543. California, Tamberlin.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, then, um, the ambulance will be there as soon as possible.

Speaker 2 Can I leave? No, you have to go back in with the man. Go in right now.
Oh, fuck. And so I run back in.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 I gotta do something. I gotta put my mouth in his mouth.

Speaker 2 I blow.

Speaker 2 Then I fucking chest.

Speaker 2 His bowels just lost.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Yeah, yeah.
Then I leave the elevator. I'm leaving the elevator to go back outside.
I'll probably have a cigarette.

Speaker 2 Now, by this time, though.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sir? Yeah, yeah.
Were you the man that called the police? I am the one that knows. Okay, what happened to the man? Where is he? He's in the elevator.

Speaker 2 Come with us right now. Come with us right now.

Speaker 2 Get with me right now. Come on, let's go.
Let's go run in.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Is that him right there?

Speaker 2 Of course. No, there's another dead guy around the block.
Sir, I don't need your attitude. I'm just trying to find out how this man died and when he died.
Did you make him shit or poop?

Speaker 2 Did you make him...

Speaker 2 Because I didn't, I don't know what to do, so I just punched his chest. So you caused this man to throw up and have diarrhea inside of this elevator?

Speaker 2 Well, because I put my mouth on his mouth and I'm like, turn around, sir. You're under arrest.
Turn around. You're under arrest.
What the fuck? I have it on this. You're under arrest.

Speaker 2 That's it. That's what happens.
That's why I don't want to be in the elevator with him. That makes perfect sense.

Speaker 2 That makes perfect sense.

Speaker 2 Look at me, Bob. I'm being serious.
I'm going to get out of an elevator next time I see an old man. Yeah.
65 is a little young, though. 70 makes 70 is.
I just want to play it safe.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And it's like... I hold my breath.
That's why I thought you were going to say that. Yeah.
I don't like the way people smell. I don't like strong smells in a tight space.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So when I get in an elevator with people at a hotel, I go.

Speaker 2 And you hold your breath. Yep.
Until I get to my floor. Wow.
I just don't like people's smells. I don't like to.
And you, you know, when you get an elevator and you can

Speaker 2 smell them, you smell them. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's because I do it with a certain ethnic group. I don't want to get into the ethnic.
Yeah, yeah. We should, let's get right into it.

Speaker 2 I don't want to, which ones do you not hold on? I don't want to get into it because I don't want to get in trouble. Let me get.
Can I guess? If I guess,

Speaker 2 I guess we could play that game. How about this? If I guess it right, you just touch the table once.
All right. All right, here we go.
Ready? Okay.

Speaker 2 Black people.

Speaker 2 I knew it. I knew it.
Keep getting hear me. Okay.

Speaker 2 Mexicans.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Anybody from the Middle East.

Speaker 2 What about whites?

Speaker 2 The only people you don't?

Speaker 2 Asians.

Speaker 2 So it's only white people, the only people that you don't. I don't know why.
Maybe I'm like reverse racism in my mind. Well,

Speaker 2 whites smell, I'll never forget the line that. I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 honestly that was

Speaker 2 they know we're joking they know and it's like i don't want people to go crazy what what sean wayans had a great line in don't be a menace i think it was they were like

Speaker 2 some i don't know how the scene got to it but he goes white people all look alike and they smell like bologna and i thought that was such a funny

Speaker 2 and oh they all smell like bologna yeah and i was like do we smell like do we smell like bologna to me you guys smell like i remember like um what do i smell like to you

Speaker 2 you

Speaker 2 I because I think your visual always affects the way you smell.

Speaker 2 Just like food, yeah. It smells like what you think it's going to taste like.

Speaker 2 To me, you're so Americana to me. So when I look at you, I smell

Speaker 2 a baseball glove, like the leather of the baseball glove. Love that.
Yeah, and then mixed in with

Speaker 2 apple pie a little bit and

Speaker 2 for savory kind of pie. Like coffee, like a Folger's coffee.
Love canned coffee. Yeah, yeah.
And then I also smell just a little hint of the noose.

Speaker 2 Of a noose? Of a noose. From hanging? Yeah, from hanging.
hanging because i like hanging out

Speaker 2 because i like hanging out that makes sense

Speaker 2 who's you guys

Speaker 2 white people dude do you think i have do you think anybody in my family owns slaves

Speaker 2 honestly yeah you do maybe i'm irish and italian you think any of these these people own slaves i'm not rich from the south i'm not like a rich white guy from the south I think if you go back maybe a little bit, maybe you have one funky uncle that like, you know what I mean, did some funky shit with some funky black people i don't know we do have funky frank the uncle yeah yeah yeah maybe he did yeah i mean we i guess you know if you can literally know my history right there's probably some you probably own slaves your family probably owned slaves in korea what sure yeah yeah we enslaved yeah no no no first of all for 60 years japan occupied korea that's right we were you guys had slaves though koreans had slaves

Speaker 2 like who

Speaker 2 taiwanese no no we never did we never occupied nobody. You never occupied anybody? No, we were oppressed.

Speaker 2 That's why Koreans are so strong. Because we were always able to survive all this oppression, and we are a resilient people.
Do Koreans ever have slaves? I want to know. That's insane that you...

Speaker 2 Why would you even Google that?

Speaker 2 Google's not going to even know that.

Speaker 2 Slavery in Korea.

Speaker 2 Slavery in Korea existed since antiquity. The practice of slavery in South Korea is illegal.
The forms of modern slavery, such as human trafficking, still exists.

Speaker 2 North Korea, slavery is practiced by the country's regime.

Speaker 2 Yeah, in North Korea, yeah, yeah. Well, South Korea, Media reports, the abuse and exploitation of people with disabilities on rural islands

Speaker 2 salt farms in Sinan County. On rural islands, they they they they use in 20 people.
Yes, so you guys exploited disabled people on rural island salt farms in Sinan County and described as slavery.

Speaker 2 Hey, no arms, pick up that salt. Fuck you.
You guys handica- look at this. You guys exploited disabled people in salt farms in Cinan County, and that's in 2015, five years ago.

Speaker 2 So yeah, you had slaves. You got them still.
You take mentally challenged people and you make them work in the salt farms. What else are going to do? We do it here at McDonald's.

Speaker 2 Right? Here at McDonald's, the fry guy. That's not slavery.
They pay him. Oh, they do? Yes, they pay those guys.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. By the way, do you even know what salt farms are? I've never heard of a salt farm in Sinan County.
Oh, it's literally just salt mining. Look at how beautiful that facility is.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, it looks nice to work. Everyone's so nice.
There's like a little spa in there. Yeah, this looks nice.
This looks like a safe, nice place to work.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that looks nice. That looks like a farm.
Yeah, that's a beautiful salt. For a salt farm? That's nice.

Speaker 2 And Sinan County has been destroyed. All right, dude.
I didn't know that about Korean. And I apologize on behalf of my people.
All right.

Speaker 2 Where's Sinan County, by the way? Oh, it's the south-south part of South Korea. The most southern-south part of South Korea.
I also want to mention about

Speaker 2 since we're talking about older white people. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I always get, you know, I always get like reformed old white people, like really old white people, try to talk to me. Yeah.
Like maybe like 40 or 50 years ago, they were around. On the road?

Speaker 2 Like, yeah, so I was at Barnes and Noble, like I was in Idaho or something. Yeah.
Do the last, the last one, I guess.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and this old lady came up to me and she goes, I was reading a, I wasn't reading a book, I was like reading a magazine.

Speaker 2 She's like, hello, young man.

Speaker 2 And I go, oh, hi, good morning or afternoon.

Speaker 2 She's like, oh, what you reading, young man?

Speaker 2 I go, I just, you know, my video game magazine. You know, because I like watching

Speaker 2 video game magazines. Yeah.
And like whatever the next RPG is coming out or whatever. She goes, oh, you know, my son served in Vietnam.
Very nice.

Speaker 2 And my, you know, my older brother, you know, served in the korean war and we just love the food and they just bring up all this like tradition yeah and my you know i love the hello kitties that the the hell kitties you guys make it's they're just cute they're just cute plushy dolls you know these are all compliments and it's like hey lady back up all right you don't want her compliments she loves hello it's not that i it's like I'm just talk to me normal, brah.

Speaker 2 What would normal be?

Speaker 2 That's all she knows. No, she could just say, you know, oh, that's nice golden goose shoes you're wearing.
She doesn't know shoes. And I'll be like, oh, yeah, they're $850.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 I got them in Beverly Hills.

Speaker 2 I got them in Beverly Hills.

Speaker 2 She's like, hello, nice little Asian boy.

Speaker 2 I like the shape of your body.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, my brother fought in the war, and so did my father.

Speaker 2 And I've got to tell you, they hate you, Slants, but I love you, people.

Speaker 2 I think that's maybe hidden behind.

Speaker 2 What she's trying to say is, I'm not racist, but

Speaker 2 she's trying to say, like, my history is racist, but I'm trying to not be. Yeah.
It's nice. She's trying.
She's an idiot, but she's trying. Yeah, and that's why I don't like, I don't cut them off.

Speaker 2 I'm always like

Speaker 2 very kind

Speaker 2 in those situations because, you know, I am,

Speaker 2 a living human being living amongst in a society and I am not a crazy person. Because what are you going to do? You can't teach her.

Speaker 2 You can't be like, you can't like go, hey, lady, that's stupid and racist. Cause she'll go, what?

Speaker 2 I know, I know. I can't say like, hey, lady, you know, I just be real.
I've had like 20,000 white chicks, like it just nutted inside them. Yeah, yeah.
So it's like, you know, that's my,

Speaker 2 is that like a thing to tell to her?

Speaker 2 That you're like, I'm not sure if she's like, no, but that's deep down inside, I wanted to say that I'm not like a Ching Chang-y, you know what I mean, Asian guy that you're trying to talk to.

Speaker 2 I'm just like everyone else.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, look, I just think she's trying.

Speaker 2 She's, I mean,

Speaker 2 she's trying, right? Don't you think? Don't you give her a little credit? That's why I'm always nice. Because she made the effort, right? I remember also she went to her car.

Speaker 2 And then she tried to come to me because she saw me sitting there on the curb outside this Barnes ⁇ Noble.

Speaker 2 And I could see her like turn around, look at me, and like do the thinking, like, Should I, should I tell him?

Speaker 2 I try to connect with this little chin chung. Yeah.
And then she turned around. Hello, Noodle Boy.

Speaker 2 And she, I remember her taking forever to get to me. Right.
Because she was in a long time. She saw me in my head sitting there.
Yeah. Going, what the fuck? She's coming to me.

Speaker 2 Freaking out. Yeah, holy, what the fuck do I say? Do you, do you find that old people or people in general? I have a very go-ahead and ask me face.
For some reason, dude,

Speaker 2 anywhere I am in the country, in the world, people will ask me for directions or they'll ask me a question about, do you know where so-and-so is?

Speaker 2 They ask me every time. Yeah, I've never gotten that.
Why do you think? Why do people ask me that? I just look untrustworthy and I look confused.

Speaker 2 Okay, but if you saw me on the street, do you think you'd ask me where a thing was? Yeah, because you look like a.

Speaker 2 Uh-oh. No, I'm just saying, I'm being real.
I know, I'm just up there. You look like a 1940s captain of some sort of like ship, like a British ship.

Speaker 2 Where are you going? Hey, yeah, yeah. You just have your face, it's like you have the kind of face, like if I was at a hotel, like a really old hotel, like the Shining,

Speaker 2 and I would look at it, and I would, I'm like, you have the type of face, like I'd look at an old photo and go, that's Andrew.

Speaker 2 And then underneath it says 1929. Right.
Right? Like, you could, yeah. I've been around for a long time.
It seems immortal. Like,

Speaker 2 oh, do you think maybe I'm, do you think I've lived and died somewhere? Maybe you're like a Highlander Sean Connery vibe. You have that kind of vibe.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. How old do you think? How old do you think? But what do I look like though? Do I look like because I just gave you a couple of compliments? Kind of.
Yes, I would like to maybe, you know.

Speaker 2 You look like,

Speaker 2 if I saw you on the street and I had no idea who you were and I saw your cute little smiley face. Give me a smile.
There it is. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If I saw you on the street doing that, I'd go, that looks like a jolly fun man, a fun guy who also,

Speaker 2 who also looks a little lost. You always kind of look lost because you do this a lot.
You turn, you walk away and then you turn and then you walk another way.

Speaker 2 I don't think you ever really know where you're going. I have no idea what's going on, which is really nice.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I would never ask you for directions, but I'd also go, I bet you that guy's great on an adventure. Okay.
I would never follow you into the woods

Speaker 2 because I think we'd get lost. But nothing else.

Speaker 2 Well, I think we'd have good sex, but we could do that out of the woods. Oh, no? No, no, no.
No. No, no, no.
Yeah, I don't think you would want me in the woods. I don't think that you would want me.

Speaker 2 Survival-wise? No, you wouldn't want me on a deserted island. Like you and I, let's say you and I are playing a plane crash.
We're the only survivors. You and I end up on a deserted island.
Okay.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't want, I would be the last person you'd want there. Why? Because I would have to say that.
I'd go tribal real quick. You'd try to kill me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like as soon as we got on the beach, you'd look up. I'd be completely naked with a spear trying to kill him.
And I'd have like some sort of makeup on my face and be like,

Speaker 2 and I'd just be like... Did you speak the language immediately? Yeah, immediately.
Yeah. Wow,

Speaker 2 I'd be already like, you know, like in Return of the Jedi when they took

Speaker 2 Han Solo and they were in the rotisserie of the Ewoks. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you'd be already in that. Yeah, I mean, so you would kill me.
You think you'd kill me?

Speaker 2 My whole thing is, I think, see, my scenario is we crash on an island.

Speaker 2 I have to gather and collect everything because you're laying down.

Speaker 2 You're finding a way to play Candy Crush on the sand. Yeah.
In the sand. No, I would need to probably rest.

Speaker 2 Because I I would, honestly, like honestly, I would be like on the beach like this, and I'd be at first probably sunburned as fuck.

Speaker 2 See, I would, I would, and then I'd be looking up, and you're like chopping things down, I'd be climbing a tree getting coconuts, coconuts, right?

Speaker 2 And I'd just be listening, and I would probably be contemplating my life, like,

Speaker 2 why am I fucking on this island with this piece of shit? See, after two days of no water and you not doing anything to try to get food for us,

Speaker 2 I would have one of those nightmares in the middle of the night where I grab a coconut and I smash it over your head. Because I think he's got protein, I can eat him without a doubt.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, I would see you and I'd go because I'd lose a lot of weight really fast. Because I knew that, I would know that about you.
So you try to kill me first.

Speaker 2 I'd be already pre-I'd already have the spear ready to go. Really? Right up front.
But the moment I die, are you going to try to eat me? I'd probably fuck you first. Fuck me and then eat.

Speaker 2 Right when the body is warm. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Still warm. So you'd fuck me? Because I probably won't have a warm hole for a very long time.

Speaker 2 I can promise you that when I kill you, I won't eat you. Or I won't fuck you.
Yeah. Oh, really? I wouldn't fuck you.

Speaker 2 Would it be funny if I fucked you, ate you, and then I walked across to the island as a resort?

Speaker 2 Do you think you're like,

Speaker 2 you're just in Maui? Yeah, I'm in Maui. And then they're like, why is that naked guy with the spear with the makeup? Blood dripping from your mouth.
And just like, yeah. Why does he have

Speaker 2 to have red hairs in his teeth? Oh.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, and his dick is out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What I would probably do then in that case, I would be like, I would probably, I would say, I,

Speaker 2 the plane crashed, I was on the beach alone. And they go, but you didn't see the lights from the resort right over the hill? Yeah, but I'll, you know, they're like, is there any other survivors?

Speaker 2 I'll be like, no. There's no other survivors.
No, no, no, no. There's blood all over you.
It's my own blood. Let me see.
You don't have any cuts on you at all. Internal bleeding.
It's coming out.

Speaker 2 Internal blood is coming out. You're going to take you to the hospital.
Okay, well, take it to the hospital. Yeah, and then they're like, why is your dick with shit on it?

Speaker 2 Why does your dick have poop all over it?

Speaker 2 Because I have reverse Crohn's. Oh, it comes out.
I would like to make up up a disease. Reverse Crohn's.
I have reverse Crohn's. Right.

Speaker 2 And the doctors, of course, would go, right, we've heard of reverse Crohn's. That's when poop comes out of your pee-pee.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, so real quick, Bob, I want to do a little fun segment.

Speaker 2 This is your bits today, huh? I love it. I really do like the bits.
I love your little bits. Wait, but here, this is not really me.
It's more,

Speaker 2 this is for you to read. Don't read it yet.
Don't read it yet.

Speaker 2 This is for you guys. So, you know, Andres is the new, is our newbie, you know, that's with us.
And I feel like he's perfect to read us some of the news headlines of the day. And he wrote these jokes.

Speaker 2 Andreas wrote all these jokes himself. He wrote jokes? He wrote all these jokes.
But he's not a joke writer. Yes, he is.
Let's listen to some of this stuff. So, Andreas.
Can you look at it now?

Speaker 2 Yeah, look at it, but don't read it. Let him read these.
You can just see what the topics are in case you can't make out what he's saying because he's, you know. Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 So, Andreas, go ahead. Okay.

Speaker 5 Okay, guys.

Speaker 5 Welcome back to this edition of Malos Amigos News. I'm Andrea Rosende, and here are some top stories in broken English.

Speaker 2 Wait, hold on. Yeah.
You got to say it. You got to project.

Speaker 2 Let's make that. This is a segment, Andres.
So you got to go, welcome back to this edition of Maros Amigos News. I'm Andres Rosanal, and here's the.
Yeah, you're a news person. You're a news person.

Speaker 2 Imagine this is live. Yeah, we're hiring you.
Yeah, we're hiring you, man. Okay, so if you want to keep your job, let's go.
All right. Okay, here we go.

Speaker 2 Let's be camera. Let's pretend we're a show.
All right, guys, get the cameras going. All right, let's sound

Speaker 2 up. And so, and five, four, three two and go Andreas

Speaker 5 Welcome back to this edition of Malos Amigas News. I'm Andrea Rosende and here are some top stories in broken English.

Speaker 5 Harvey Winston fell and hit his head in jail while trying to walk rather than use his wheelchair. But at least now his head will be throbbing and not his butthole.

Speaker 2 Yay! That's really good, Andres. So Harvey Winston hit hit his head and fell in jail.
Did you know that? No. That's a real thing.
And they gave him 26 years today in prison. Oh, he's done now.

Speaker 2 He's done. Yeah, yeah.
But his lawyer said he's not going to last five years. They go, he'll never last five years.
And the judge was like, too bad, 26.

Speaker 2 And he's in Rikers Island, bro. Rikers Island.
Oh, my God. Dude, imagine.
He's done. I mean, but just like, it's like, imagine owning Miramax.
Yeah. You're the top guy, like Brad Pitt.

Speaker 2 Everybody wants to be around you. Every celebrity ever worked with you.
You're the king. George Clooney, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, all these guys.
Everybody. Everybody.

Speaker 2 And you just, you just, you know, why would you rape? Why is rape in your head? Isn't that weird? All that power, and he had to raise it. Like, I would fuck just...

Speaker 2 Wouldn't you just get hookers with all that money? I would just find the hottest girl on planet Earth that you could get.

Speaker 2 Right. And just go, that's it.
Yeah, I'm a billionaire. I'm a billionaire.
Hey. And then you can maybe cheat on the side and have mistresses.
Even if, look at it like this.

Speaker 2 Even if the hottest girl was like, I still don't want to have sex with you and you're that rich, just buy prostitutes. I would buy them for the rest of my life.

Speaker 2 You could buy the hottest girls in the world.

Speaker 2 And you could pay them just to hang out. I know.
I don't get it. I don't get it.
All right, let's go to the next joke. Come on, go ahead.
Loud and clear. Loud project a lot of energy.
Energy.

Speaker 2 You're not loud enough. Energy.
Yeah. Conspiracy theorist.
Go ahead.

Speaker 5 Conspiracy theorist. Alex Jones got a DUI in Texas.
And even though he blew under the legal limit, he called the cops gay listeners. So they had to book him Dano.

Speaker 2 It's book him Dano. Do you know what Book Him Dano is from? Book him Dano.
Book him Dano is from. The movie.

Speaker 2 No, it's from Hawaii 50.

Speaker 2 Hawaii 5.0. All right.
Book him Dano. Yeah, Alex Jones got a DUI in Texas.
He blew under the legal limit. Do you know that he's going to get out?

Speaker 2 He's trying to get out of it because he's saying it's a 0.08. He blew 0.079.
Yeah. And he's saying they booked him because he's a conspiracy theorist that, you know, the Sandy Hook.

Speaker 2 The only reason why the guy is famous is because people talk about him. Yeah, but he's...
He says crazy things. He does.

Speaker 2 Once he said that, like,

Speaker 2 what's it? That school. Sandy Hook.
Sandy Hook was a hoax. I know.
He said that. As soon as

Speaker 2 they should just shut everything off. Every mic should have been taken away from him.
He has no more credibility. It's crazy.
It's insane. Hey, Bobby, Bobby, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 2 You're going to talk to me about that. Sandy Hook isn't a real thing, Bob.
That's all. And I would be like, like, yeah, well, you know, then what happened to the fucking kids?

Speaker 2 No, those are all actors. They're all actors.
Every single one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're all actors. You don't know because you're part of the lizard community here in Hollywood.

Speaker 2 All right, let's hear the next one.

Speaker 5 Okay, so Andrew Yan officially endorsed Joe Biden. This is sad.
It's just another young Asian boy being manipulated by an old rich white man.

Speaker 2 You're giving up on the jokes. Say it again, nice and clear, nice and smooth.
Let's try it again. Come on, here we go.

Speaker 2 Andrew Yang, go ahead.

Speaker 5 Andrew Yang officially endorses Joe Biden. This is sad.
It's just another Yan Asian boy being manipulated by an old, rich white man.

Speaker 2 Andrew Yang.

Speaker 2 That's ridiculous. That's a good joke.
It's just another young Asian boy being manipulated by an old, rich white man. That's a funny joke, Andreas.
That's very good. Did you?

Speaker 2 Honestly, who wrote that? He wrote all these jokes.

Speaker 5 Oh, my.

Speaker 2 You wrote it.

Speaker 2 He wrote all of these jokes. Really well

Speaker 2 crafted.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 the point of view is. Are you being facetious? That's a good joke.
It is a pretty good joke. That's a great great joke.

Speaker 2 But the truth of the matter is that it's like. It's just another Asian boy being manipulated by an old rich white man.

Speaker 2 Honestly, Andrew Yang endorsing Joe Biden made a lot of people upset for some reason.

Speaker 2 Whatever.

Speaker 2 Who cares?

Speaker 2 I'm hungry. Oh, well, if you want to get some food in your belly, easy, convenient to your door, why don't you use DoorDash? I use DoorDash all the time, my friend.
Yeah, it's incredible.

Speaker 2 Delivery is more than just pizza.

Speaker 2 Do you? Yeah, I get like this Mexican restaurant by my house. I love that.
I love it so much.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you've got big plans for 2020, and if you can't find time to do it, you should download, get some DoorDash. So Valentine's Day is approaching, and

Speaker 2 sometimes you forget to make reservations. Valentine's Day, so don't settle for the last table available.
Treat your date to delivery with DoorDash at home. That's what I do.

Speaker 2 Valentine's Day already passed.

Speaker 2 You know, the next Valentine's Day. Because they have them every year.
No. Oh, they do? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Valentine's Day every year. Oh, well, that's pretty much it.
So the next one.

Speaker 2 Just prepare and just DoorDash. Well, look, DoorDash brings all of America's flavors to your front door.
Ordering is very simple. Open up the app.
Choose what you want.

Speaker 2 Your food is going to come to you. You don't got to move.
Sit on the couch. Get fat.
Get lazy.

Speaker 2 U.S. days, Puerto Rico, Canada, Australia.
You could order all over the world. I mean, like restaurants like Chipotle, Wendy's, Chick-fil-A, and the Cheesecake Factory.

Speaker 2 Cheesecake Factory has so much to eat, by the way. How could you not find something that you want on there? With DoorDash, you never have to worry about where your next meal is coming from.

Speaker 2 You don't have to hunt like Bobby doesn't like. You can do yourself a favor, download DoorDash.

Speaker 2 So right now, our listeners are getting $5 off their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter the code. Bad friend.
That's right.

Speaker 2 $5 off your first order with $15 or more when you download that DoorDoorDash. DoorDash.
DoorDash app. DoorDash app.
It is. And you enter the code.
Bad friend. Bad.
DoorDash app.

Speaker 2 Get it. You know,

Speaker 2 I prefer Bernie over Biden. Right.

Speaker 2 I do. I just, yeah, that's fine.
You know, all right.

Speaker 2 You lean in a weird way, but um. I don't like, I said this before.
I like none of these people. I don't trust any of them.
I don't either. They're all just fucking puppets.
Yeah, I don't like them.

Speaker 2 Right. There's a guy behind the guy.
I think Joe Biden is a hack, and I think Bernie's a psychopath. I think all of them are

Speaker 2 off their rocker. Yeah, don't say that.
I'm going to make school for free.

Speaker 2 Shut up. What are you talking about? They're all crazy.
Anyway, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Now, Andreas, if this is not clear and fucking, you know what I mean? And you don't sell the jokey part of it. You got to sell it, dude.
I'm going to fire you. Okay.

Speaker 2 All right, so louder, louder, clearer, and more and more angst. No, angst, gusto.
Oomph. Oomph.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What's gusto? What's gusto in Spanish? How do you say gusto? What's bravado? Bravado. Bravado.
Bravado. Bravado.
Okay, here we go.

Speaker 2 Don't blush either. Don't blush.

Speaker 2 We're not angry. Okay.
All right. Let's go.

Speaker 2 Comercial erla inside. All right, stop.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. Dude,

Speaker 2 you're really pissing off the boss here, pal. I'm just letting you know.
Bad idea, Andres.

Speaker 2 Andreas, I saw you a couple of days ago. I was really nice to you.
Yeah, he was. Was I not? We hugged.
You had that sweater on. We did a couple, like, you know what I mean, pumps or whatever.

Speaker 2 And I don't do that with everyone. You know, there's something about you that I really like, right?

Speaker 2 But if you're not,

Speaker 2 you're taking away. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And you're putting hate in there. He's diminishing this.
You're diminishing it. So just really vocalize and commit.
Commit. Okay.
Go ahead. Come on in.

Speaker 2 Commit. And action.

Speaker 5 Commercial airlines are seeing a massive dip in travel. And subsequently, the private jet business is booming.
Also, subsequently, private jet is the nickname I use for my penis.

Speaker 5 And let me tell you, business is booming.

Speaker 2 That's a good joke. That's a good joke, Andreas.
Andreas, that's a really good joke. Yeah, it's a very good joke.
By the way, did you say penis? It says penne. Is penne penis in Spanish? It is.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's funny. Yeah, that's really funny.
And let me tell you. See what I'm saying? Once you, if you would have said that with low energy, you're a good coach because that worked.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 it wouldn't have worked. God, that's really funny.
Yeah. So commercial airline.
Do you trust me from now on? I do. Okay, thank you.
Commercial airlines are having a day.

Speaker 2 I didn't understand a word he said. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Private jets are going up. We should take only private jets.
You want to take a private jet with me somewhere? No, because that's how Buddy Holly died. Ooh, we and Otis Redding.
And... Big Dipper.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
God, that's so sad, all those people. Yeah, but they died back when it was like the pilots were drunk.
They flew in the fog. They don't do that stuff anymore.

Speaker 2 Would you rather take a helicopter or a private jet?

Speaker 2 Private jet. Yeah.
After that whole thing.

Speaker 2 That's that buzzing. Do you hear that? There's a buzzing.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, there it is.
It's gone now. Yeah.
That's the thing. It's like.

Speaker 2 I would take a private jet over a helicopter. Helicopters scare the shit.
They scared me before Kobe died. I think that both of those, though, are like, I think helicopters are more dangerous.

Speaker 2 I mean, they are literally. I literally don't know the facts.
I did. I looked it up after Kobe died.

Speaker 2 Because in Hawaii, like before Kobe died, in Hawaii, a whole family died, you know what I mean, from a helicopter crash. Yeah.
I think it happens more often than we know.

Speaker 2 How many helicopter crashes are there? Here, look at this. In the last decade, more than 380 people have died in helicopter accidents.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, there are over 47,000 accidents, serious incidents involving airplanes in the U.S. airspace.

Speaker 2 So I guess it's more common to die in airplane accidents, but that's only because there's way more airplane flights than helicopters. I don't think this is an even, do you know what I mean? Right.

Speaker 2 I hear that buzzing again, by the way. I don't know why that's that's got to be a cord or something.
Well, why do you get so angry? Just let it buzz or not. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I just don't like the button. It's like, can you not hear that? I know, but that's the way to say that.
Okay, here, let me. Can I say it again? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, guys, there's a little bit buzzing in the headphones. Can we check that out and make sure that it's not buzzing anymore? Was that a little bit better or no? That's much better.
Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, so let's move on to the next one.

Speaker 2 I want to go to the next one. Andreas, go to to the next one.

Speaker 2 That joke was really good, by the way.

Speaker 2 He calls his penis the private jet. You know what we should do? That's very funny.
I think next week,

Speaker 2 you and I should get together in a coffee shop and write a stand-up act. For Andres? For Andreas.
And film it.

Speaker 2 And no, and have Andreas do a stand-up act with jokes that we wrote. For us.
Yeah, and just do a little show for us with the actual.

Speaker 2 He can't read it off the thing. He has to memorize it.

Speaker 2 He's never going to be able to do that. He's going to do it.
He can barely read it off the thing now. All right, maybe he could.

Speaker 2 And he wrote these jokes. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 2 So you can have a cheat sheet, but like, you know, you got to give, what if we give him cue cards? You and I can give him cue cards. That's right.
Okay, we'll give you

Speaker 2 cue cards. Does that sound good? Yeah.
All right. So, Andres, let's hear the next one.
What is it? Energy. Energy test.
Energy.

Speaker 5 President Donald Trump is refusing to get tested for coronavirus, even though he was exposed to it recently.

Speaker 5 When asked why he won't get tested for the virus, he replied, only be nerds, blacks, gays, and Jews are going to get it. I'm going to be fine.

Speaker 2 Wow. That's a pretty edgy joke you wrote.

Speaker 2 That's a little. But the accent was really good.
Can you do the Trump thing? Shoot Justin Trump like, why aren't you? Mr. President, Mr.
President, why aren't you going to get tested for the virus?

Speaker 2 Loud. Let's hear what he said.
And with vigor. Go ahead.
Why aren't you going to get tested, sir?

Speaker 5 Only be nerds and blacks and gays and juice are going to get it.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be fine. That's a better.
I can't do a better Trump. That's a really good Trump.
That's a really good Spanish Trump. I like that.
That's really good. Stump Trump.
All right.

Speaker 2 He didn't actually say say that, though, did he? Trump? He did. Trump did.
He did.

Speaker 2 He did. On CNN, he goes, only beaners, blacks, gays, and Jews are going to get it.

Speaker 2 What's the next one?

Speaker 2 Energy. Energy, energy, energy.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Rare white giraffes.

Speaker 2 You can't stumble. Yes, you can't stumble.
Okay.

Speaker 5 Rare white giraffes were killed by poachers in Kenya. The Wildlife Foundation is disgusted with the act,

Speaker 5 but I, for one, I see the justice. It's time for the giraffe gentrification to stop.
Keep the white giraffes out of our neighborhoods.

Speaker 2 It's like a reverse. That's good.
It's really good. That's really good.

Speaker 2 Let's hear the next one. By the way, the white giraffe, do you know that that's a true story? Two white giraffes were found killed by poachers, and they're like, there's only so many left.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's disgusting. I think there's a rhino, too.
What was the white rhino

Speaker 2 that no longer exists? Oh, that got killed off. Yeah.
But I mean, I think there's only

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? Two rare white giraffes. It's not like poachers are like, let's kill that white giraffe because we hate white giraffes.

Speaker 2 It's because I think white giraffes and like white rhinos are more

Speaker 2 coveted. Right.
And more expensive, probably. Yeah, I guess maybe.
I don't know, but to kill them.

Speaker 2 It said that they found them and they had that. that it indicated that they killed them weeks before.
Yeah. So they killed them, left them there for weeks.
Yeah. That's sad.

Speaker 2 I mean, let me ask you about just a side note because I know you hang out with Buff Eyes

Speaker 2 because Buff Eyes likes to hunt. Buff Eyes loves to hunt.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Tell people who Buff Eyes is. No, we'll just say Buff Eyes.
That's fine. And Buff Eyes,

Speaker 2 so how do you feel about hunting? What do you mean, how do I feel about it? Because he enjoys it, and he has a philosophy. I don't do it.
Would you ever hunt anything?

Speaker 2 Yeah, if I was going to eat it, 100%.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but my point is that you just go to the restaurant. No.

Speaker 2 No. People hunt.

Speaker 2 People hunt because it's a fun sport. And then if you eat it and you purpose it as something, then it seems

Speaker 2 totally fine to me. It's the sport part.
You know what I mean? To me, it's like, are you doing it out of survival? Because you want to eat? No, it's not for survival.

Speaker 2 Is it because you get excited to kill something that was once like hanging out with his family out in the fucking grazing? That's why most hunters like hunting.

Speaker 2 I don't really hunt, but I don't care that people do as long as you eat it and purpose it. Because I always think that, like, you know, because I know that, like...
I don't have time to hunt.

Speaker 2 Where am I going to hunt? I'm in Los Angeles. I don't.
I wouldn't even know what to eat.

Speaker 2 Honestly, if one day they said, all right, guys, there's no more meat. You have to hunt for your own meat.

Speaker 2 I would probably take an oven mitt, a Swiss Army knife, out into the pasture and just jab a cow in its ass. I don't know what to do.
That's right. Jab a cow in its ass.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 2 All right, go ahead. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 All right. Ready? Hey, Bob, coach him.
Coach him. Go, go.

Speaker 5 Nucleamidia species were discovered deep under the Arctic Ocean, which can only mean one thing. That Jamaican crap Sebastian is a dead again.

Speaker 2 Read that one slower again. That's really good, though.
Read that one slower. That's really good.
That's a good joke.

Speaker 2 All the whole thing. Yeah, the whole thing.

Speaker 5 Nucleamidia species were discovered deep under the ocean arctic.

Speaker 2 Slow down, slow down. New chlamydia species was discovered.

Speaker 2 That's because they speak so fast in their language. I know, I know.
They go,

Speaker 2 just nice and slow, a Spaniard. Here we go.

Speaker 5 Nucleamy's pieces were discovered deep under the Arctic Ocean. Same.

Speaker 2 It just goes faster.

Speaker 2 It goes faster. New Chlamydia species were discovered deep under the Arctic Ocean.
Go ahead.

Speaker 5 Which can only mean one thing. That Jamaican bastard crap, Sebastian, is at it again.

Speaker 2 Is that anything? And that sea. Yeah, yeah.
That's really good.

Speaker 2 All right, let's hear the next two. We only got two more left.
Andreas, you're really, you're murdering it.

Speaker 2 How long did it take you to write these? Be honest. How long? Like, two days.
Two days? That's pretty good, though. Yeah.
How many jokes? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.

Speaker 2 I'm going to write them some fucked up words. But 10 jokes in two days is really good.
You and I are going to write them a fucked-up joke. I know, okay, let's go.
What's the next one?

Speaker 2 Nice and slow, but

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 okay.

Speaker 5 The NHL made history when they used an old female crew to broadcast the game on International Women's Day. These are strong women, they made it throughout three brutally bloody periods.

Speaker 2 Andres, that's very good. Very good.
All right, let's just.

Speaker 2 Andres,

Speaker 2 the joke that you wrote, explain me the joke why it's funny. Explain that NHL joke to Bob.

Speaker 5 Well, because

Speaker 5 it's a game that is bloody, but also a period means also like, you know, that time of the month when I go one more time.

Speaker 2 Very good.

Speaker 2 See, he did write it. Yeah, I know.
What do you mean? He did. No, I'm just questioning because to me, it seemed like something that he would write.

Speaker 2 What does he know about the NHL?

Speaker 2 Here's what George said. I said, how are these jokes? And George goes, Here's the thing.

Speaker 2 He knows how to write English better than to say it. Ah,

Speaker 2 he can write English, obviously.

Speaker 2 Obviously, okay.

Speaker 2 But honestly, speaking it is much harder for him.

Speaker 2 Right. All right, let's hear the last one.
Let's hear your last dinger.

Speaker 5 Okay, ready for the last one?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but Bob, come on down. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 All right, five.

Speaker 2 So, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I don't know why I just did it. Andres,

Speaker 2 and also, Andres, there's another guy that can replace you. There's two guys that we found.
Two guys.

Speaker 2 We got on LinkedIn. So, no, this is your last shot.
So, really, celebrate. Five, four, three.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 5 action. Police capture a yellow lab that beat and kill a Dutch hound and five and beat five people.
When asked to comment, the dog said, Hey, it's a dog-by-dog world.

Speaker 5 That's terrible.

Speaker 2 Can I read it as you? Yes, please. Ready?

Speaker 2 Police captured a yellow lab that beat and killed a dash hunt and beat five people. When Esto comedy, the dog said, hey, it's a dog bite dog world.

Speaker 2 These are really good jokes. Let's give it up for Andreas on these jokes.
Andreas. Thank you, guys.
Thank you. Man, so good.
And you're so fucking good. These are really, really good.

Speaker 2 That is a good... Look, I think the next thing we're going to do is we're going to write a bunch of stand-up bits for him.
Yeah, we'll sit down. And make him perform here on the show.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we should do also different styles. We should do like, you know, a tell like switches and stuff.
So you're saying write different styles for him each week?

Speaker 2 No, no, we'll just in the in the act, we'll do like, he has to do impressions, oh, yeah, yeah, act outs, yeah, yeah, write some observation humor. Can you do impressions?

Speaker 5 I don't think so, but sure.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, how about what's an impression that we think he could do, though? That's the problem.

Speaker 2 Can you do Christopher Walken? Yeah, that's a standard one. That's a standard, easy one.
That's like an entry-level. How about Robert De Niro?

Speaker 5 Are you talking to me?

Speaker 2 Are you talking to me?

Speaker 2 Everything's going to sound like Pablo Escobar to me, no matter what.

Speaker 2 Can you do Pablo Escobar? Do him.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I don't have to make an accent. I speak.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so say, like, there it is. Go get the cocaine.

Speaker 5 Platao plomo. Platao plomo.

Speaker 2 What is that? What does that mean? That's like

Speaker 5 either you take the money or it's lead or money.

Speaker 2 Let or money. Oh, plato pomo.
Plato pomo.

Speaker 2 How about Joan Rivers? Go ahead. Oh, yeah, that one's easy for you.
Come on. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't think

Speaker 2 we talk. Can we talk?

Speaker 2 Dude, it's so good. It's literally anybody and everybody at the same time.

Speaker 2 Can you do an impression of me or Bobby? Do an impression of me and then Bobby. I'm probably going to get angry.
Go ahead. Do one of me.
Try one. Try one of me first.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Come on. Time's wasted.
Time's no dead dead air, baby.

Speaker 2 Bobby,

Speaker 5 why do you have to be like that?

Speaker 2 That's good. That's very good.
Now, do one of Bob. Do one of me.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 You're an asshole.

Speaker 2 Do me.

Speaker 2 That's really. That's really good.
That's really. Andreas, that's really, really good.

Speaker 2 I just wanted to hear just one last thing, Andreas, right? Yes.

Speaker 2 I want you to do an Asian accent.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just want to see what it sounds like, right? Yeah, just one. So I want you to say,

Speaker 2 A, you touch you by.

Speaker 2 So I'm a guy, I'm walking in a liquor store, and you're a liquor store owner, right? So I'm like, you know what I mean? So you say the phrase is you break you by, right? Yeah, you touch you by.

Speaker 2 Well, let's give him some reference for it. I'm going to play that scene of you break you by.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 So then you can.

Speaker 2 You break you by. Do you understand what this is in reference to or no? I do.
Okay, so you know it's like a, there's like a very, okay. I didn't even know this was in a movie.
It's just.

Speaker 2 Well, Don't Be a Menace had it. Oh, really? So here, this is a a scene in Don't Be a Menace.

Speaker 2 And they joked about this. This is a common phrase.
Do you understand? Do you know the background of this?

Speaker 2 Just watch this. I think I do.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Turn it up a little bit.

Speaker 2 This is a great scene.

Speaker 2 Them walking into a Korean convenience store

Speaker 2 and the white guy is stealing.

Speaker 5 So fucking so racist, so good.

Speaker 2 Hurry up and buy.

Speaker 2 There's one. Hurry up and buy.
Okay?

Speaker 2 Got it. Hurry up and buy.
Hurry up and buy. Do you got it? I got it.

Speaker 2 Hurry up and buy.

Speaker 2 Break yourself! Get ready.

Speaker 2 The white guy just steals the money right out of the register. Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Speaker 2 You jumped something.

Speaker 2 There we go. Very funny.
Very funny. The white guy gets away with it.

Speaker 2 Yay, recognize.

Speaker 2 Let's hear the final version of it. Where's it coming?

Speaker 2 Can't burn.

Speaker 2 Miss Lady Big. Hey.
All right, whatever.

Speaker 2 $5.

Speaker 2 What? Better give me some sucky sucky with that. $5.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 All right, you heard it. You break, you buy, hurry up and buy.
Uh-huh. So do that best impression for Bob.
Bob wants to hear you do those. So go ahead.

Speaker 5 Hurry up and buy.

Speaker 2 With an Asian accent, not in yours. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 That was my Asian.

Speaker 2 Really work for it.

Speaker 2 Really work for it.

Speaker 5 You thought you buy it.

Speaker 2 You got to get smaller. You did it really.
You went like this. You went older.
By watching

Speaker 2 that clip. Yeah, from Don't Be a Menace.
Okay, imagine when I came to L.A.,

Speaker 2 those are the only parts available. Yeah, that's what

Speaker 2 it's crazy to think that back in the day, Ali Wong, all these like, you know, these woke new Asians, you know, Aquafina, that they would have to wait in line to do hurry-up and buy.

Speaker 2 To do hurry up and buy. Wow.
Was the only available thing. Yeah, that's, I mean, that's totally

Speaker 2 crazy to think.

Speaker 2 What was the name of...

Speaker 2 But that is, I mean, but to be fair, didn't you play some of those characters on Mad TV?

Speaker 2 You would do shit like that, right?

Speaker 2 So it's like... Yeah, but I would do it to the point where, like, you ever see Johnny Gone?

Speaker 2 Yeah. So go to YouTube, and you've seen Johnny Gone.

Speaker 2 Hold on, let me see. Don't be a menace.
I just want to see the name of this poor woman that did that hurry up and buy scene. Yeah.
And I want to see if perhaps maybe she worked other.

Speaker 2 So, Miss Johnson? No, that's obviously not it. But I want to see.

Speaker 2 She's probably not even in the credits. That's how fucking low.
You think they put her out of the credits? Maybe. But look, okay, whatever the case may be, I don't think you're going to find the

Speaker 2 store owner for some reason in here. Look, she's not even credited.
I know. That's how fucking sad it was.

Speaker 2 Now look at, go to YouTube and go, Johnny Gone is a character. You ever seen my Johnny Gone?

Speaker 2 I went went to the extreme with it johnny gone j-o-j-o how do you spell it j-nohnny j-o-n-n-y yeah gone right g-o-n-e

Speaker 2 just go mad tv

Speaker 2 johnny gone okay mad tv yeah johnny gone g-o-n-e i don't know there we go there we go johnny gone g-o-n it's so racist because i purpose

Speaker 2 What say it? It's so racist because what? I just wanted to do a character that was so racist that it became almost like not racist. Okay, let's see.

Speaker 2 Oh my god.

Speaker 2 Hello peoples.

Speaker 2 It's one time when it gets cold and the woman's nipples stick out and Johnny Gunn makes the Oscar guesses on the Johnny Gunns movie guesses for the Oscar Award Show. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 And with me is very.

Speaker 2 This is literally setting back.

Speaker 2 This sets everyone back about a thousand years. No, it doesn't.
No, it's hilarious. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because. It's hilarious.

Speaker 2 Because I just wanted to do something that was just so

Speaker 2 over the top in it. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but people didn't didn't like it no really did you get a lot of criticism for it yeah really people didn't like it but you know what are you gonna do i mean i just i don't know why look it's that was when it's so funny because in the beginning of mad tv they wouldn't give me anything right and then by the fourth year i became people started liking me what do you mean by the fourth year of being on the show you i you know you could tell that like you know when i went in front of the live audience people knew my knew who i was in the beginning like it was you know everyone liked mike mcdonald and all these people yeah i love mike But I love him too.

Speaker 2 He's a very good friend. But the fourth and fifth year is when you could tell that, you know, the fans started to like me.
So then I could go, yeah, I want to do Johnny Gone.

Speaker 2 And they would just say, yes. All right.
You know what I mean? I go,

Speaker 2 but can you, you know what I mean, not do the teeth thing? And I go, no, I'm doing the teeth thing. You put all that stuff in there.
You said I wanted to have the comb over. I want the teeth.

Speaker 2 Oh, everything. That was all you.
I would spend like six hours beforehand getting the big head.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks good though, but I like that.
That was fun to do. Should we do something like that now? What do you mean? Should we like recreate like characters like that now?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like you do an absurd, yeah. Well, I do what every red-headed guy was forever and still is.
It's like a

Speaker 2 simple now. Let's get the makeup and the that's what I'm saying.
Do you want to do that? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, that'll be like our I want to come up with a new character.
I would love that.

Speaker 2 Let's do a movie of us, me and you, doing characters. Yeah, yeah.
Not a movie. Let's do it next

Speaker 2 bad friends. Done.
But we'll get the costumes. So we're going to do our characters for the next show, and then we'll also have stand-up featured by Andres.
Andres, it's going to be a great show.

Speaker 2 Andres, it's going to be a great show.

Speaker 2 This was already a fun show. Thanks for everybody sending in all those coronavirus fighters.
Are we done now?

Speaker 2 We don't have to be. But yeah, let's go.

Speaker 2 But I need to catch a plane to go to Chicago.

Speaker 2 What are we at time with? Should I be scared?

Speaker 2 Should I be scared? You know, I'm going to go to Denver, so don't get it.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go to Chicago.

Speaker 2 Don't get it.

Speaker 2 This weekend, we won't get it. Okay.
Do everything you can't.

Speaker 2 Look at his nose. Look what he's doing.
Are you blowing your nose, Andreas?

Speaker 2 What's in your pocket? What's in your pocket? Take it out. What did you put in your pocket? Put in your...
What did you take out? He just fucking wiped his boogers campaign.

Speaker 2 He wiped his boogers' campaigns. He's sick right now, Andreas.
Andreas, are you sick? No. He's sick.
No, honestly,

Speaker 2 are you sick or you have allergies? I have allergies. That's it.
It's the last episode of Bad Friends.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. All right, look in the camera.
Let's say it.

Speaker 2 Thank you for watching.

Speaker 2 that works.