Should I Be Scared?

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I was in Washington with Kalilah and we're at a restaurant and the lady next to us dies. Shut up.
She started choking? No, she just died. You know what I mean? And Kalilah gets up and she's now, because Kalilahala's a nurse so she's doing like compressions on the chest yeah and everyone's calling 9-1-1 it's chaos and kalala looks up and i have my ipad with me and i'm playing candy crush you ready you ready to start it we already started what are you you wearing? Oh, you're doing jokes.
You're doing a fucking... You're doing a fucking...
Welcome back to Bad Friends. You're doing a joke.
No, I'm trying to stay protected. It's so dumb what you're doing right now.
I have no idea what's going to happen, Bob. But you're...
But you're... But you're saying that I'm Chinese? I didn't say you're Chinese.
Then why don't I wear my suit? You don't... What if I get sick? From who? From you.
Yeah, but you're closer to the... No, it's fucking racist.
It's not racist. Yeah, it's like when that politician was saying it's the China coronavirus.
First of all, I'm not Chinese. But you're close.
It's not close at all because I'm an American. I've never even been there.
You've been to Korea? Yeah, like 10 years ago to do a music video. Who knows if it started 10 years ago and it just latched on to you and held on for a long time.
Oh, you fucking idiot. We do have a...
Can we get his suit, please? No, no. I don't want one.
I don't need one. You just said you wanted a suit.

Don't even give me one.

Don't even give me one

because the thing is

it's a bit.

You know what I mean?

He's doing some sort of

SNL bit.

This isn't a bit.

You're going to do some sort of

scientist character now?

No, I'm just...

Are you the who guy now?

I'm just trying to stay safe.

Do you like some of the new art

that got put up?

Look behind you.

Beautiful, darling.

You're pure gold.

Honestly, dude.

You know,

you got to stop shopping at Ikea.

No, no, no.

I said to Georgeorge let's get first let's go to ikea i said to george the meatballs i said george get some great stuff and he got some great stuff here can we show give me scissors do you have scissors i can't take this off whoa whoa no bob i spent so long spent so much time putting that up i was at Target for like an hour and a half yesterday choosing all this stuff. Target? Yeah.
Yeah. He picked out some great stuff.
We're like one of the top 300 podcasts in the world you're going to fucking go to Target. See what I mean? You do set up all this for one laugh.
See what happens? And now you're embarrassed. You're like, oh, should I take this suit off or not? No, I'm going to leave the suit on, but I want to show you some of the other cool art.
Look at the roses. Look at the roses.
Look at that. That's a tapestry.
Does that remind you of home? There you go. Thank you, Bob.
Bob. Oh God.
Look at this. Look at, look at how cute that is.
Look at this little wreath. Look at this flower.
It's just like that. We're in that movie fucking summer, summer.
What's that movie with the score movie summer summer yeah yeah oh my god uh-oh oh hey look it knows look it knows what does it knows it knows what it knows it nothing knows nothing it knows here's another thing dude what last night whatll at him more. Yell at him more.
Give me scissors so I can cut this down. See what you did? Right there.
Give me those scissors that he's got. I'm going to cut it down because I want you to be honest.
Look, I just want to stay safe. Stay, stay.
Stay, stay.

Last night, I'm at the comedy store.

And so I'm bringing up Chris D'Elia on stage.

Yeah.

And we do a little banter.

And so he makes a scene like from front of the audience because we're friends. So he makes, you know, a little banter and like about a phone call we had or whatever.

Yeah.

And then afterwards,

there's these two frat jockey dudes

that walk up to me after the show.

Hey, what's up, bro?

We love you, Bob.

No, they don't do that.

They go, you know Chris D'Elia?

Because you did a banter with them.

I go, bitchy bitches.

He knows me as well.

Little bitchy bitches.

You didn't like it that they didn't know who you were? they go can we meet him as if I'm sort of like now his agent or his publicist or something well could you make it happen I did I did a meeting great and then Bob Saget every time I see Bob Saget now for the last 15 years, he doesn't say, hey, Bobby. He doesn't say, you know, hey, how's life? This is what he says.
He always says, what is his opening line? He says, I almost didn't recognize you with clothes on. Well.
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitchy, bitch Bob Saget. Papa not a nudist.
Bitchy, bitch. Hey, bitchy, bitch.
Papa wears clothes all the time. Twice I got naked on something that he saw me on.
You're an exhibitionist for sure. You do get naked a lot.
Not as an older man, bitchy, bitch. Don't get mad.
I'm not Bob Saget. Oh, that's right.
Sorry, my bad. Don't get mad at me here i'll be bob saget ready yeah hey bob uh one time i fucked michelle on set he does that on stage i know he talks about fucking the kids from uh full house on stage i know and it's funny though it's not it's gross yeah it's disgusting those were kids he did the show with kids it's creepy stop i don't like it at all i don it? I don't like it.
He literally goes like, one time Michelle was licking my butt. I don't know who the Michelle is.
Is that a good one? That's a little girl. It's a little tiny baby.
I thought it was his wife. In the show.
Oh, Michelle's the little one? He didn't have a wife. He was gay on the show.
Oh, he was? Wasn't he gay on the show? Michelle's the little one? Michelle's the baby. Oh, fuck.
You don't do that to the baby. Dude, he used to make jokes about it.
I saw him do it at the factory a long time ago. I don't know if he still does that stuff.
He was gay on that show, though, wasn't he? Was he gay? Is he gay now? Is he gay now? I don't know. I don't think so.
I don't think so. No, but I think on the show he was gay.
He's quite a nice guy, though. I don't know him.
I love him. You don't know him? I don't know him.
You know, I love all those older dudes. We don't know each other.
I like him. I like Howie Mandel a lot.
I don't know him either. You don't? No.
He likes, I like Louie Andry. Louie Anderson? Yeah.
I mean. He's a very interesting man.
Why are you upset right now? Did you have a bad night last night? You bitchy.

Tell me what happened.

Hey, bitchy bitch.

Did you have a long night last night?

No, I'm going to tell you something right now.

What I say to you privately...

You don't have to talk about it.

Before I come in here...

Yeah.

...isn't necessarily stuff.

And I already told you that I didn't even want to talk about nothing.

We're not going to talk about it.

Okay, but...

You were up all night.

I was up all night. You got no sleep.

That's all you have to say. I had no sleep last night.

So you're bummed. I'm sorry.
Yeah.

Do you think it's depleting your immune system

and you might get corona?

Hey, man.

Huh? Are you going to keep

with this coronavirus stuff, man?

It's what's happening.

What? Five people have it.

Five people have it?

In LA, maybe. Thousands of people have it.

In our planet Earth?

You know what I mean? you know the Chinamen on it you know the Chinamen that live there so racist Wuhan I'm sorry no the Chinese beautiful Chinese people that live there there's a billion people that live there if I brought you to a beach right if I? If I brought you to a beach, so how many people died from it? 3,000 maybe? How many people have died so far? In China. A lot.
3,000. I think upwards of 5,000 or 6,000.
Let's suppose that's the case. Okay, go ahead.
Let's suppose it. But there's a billion people that live there.
That's like if I said, hey, on this beach, one grain of sand on this beach

has the coronavirus.

So don't put your foot on it.

You would be making sandcastles

running around the beach.

You wouldn't give a fuck, bro.

125,000 cases,

4,500 deaths.

On earth.

Yeah.

You know how many people

die from... The flu? HIV? How many people die from HIV? I don't know a year.
In fact, today, did you hear what happened? No. The second case ever of HIV got cured in London.
Oh. In the history of HIV, the second guy on Earth...
Yeah. Cured.
Oh, so we can... We can cure the HIV now.
Oh, we can freeball it now. We can freeball it.
Oh, shit. Raw dog.
Yeah it now we can free ball oh shit don't use condoms don't use condoms dude how crazy is that the second guy on earth it's so funny because it's like all these little cure things happen when i you know so for instance you know i got in a long-term relationship so no i that doesn't even matter to me what theiv? Yeah, because I can't free ball up with random women because I'm in a relationship. And it's the same thing.
I got sober and then they legalized marijuana. Yeah, you want to come back? No, I can't do any of those anymore.
That's a good thing though, right? Look, this is still a climbing number. This is still going to keep going.
You know, some of the fans have sent in videos saying that they're fighting Corona, and they want to show you how they're fighting Corona.

Can I show you how some of them? This is Tevin Frame. He's fighting Corona his own way.
Yeah. Here's Tevin.
Let's see what he has to say. Okay? Mm-hmm.
What's up, bad friends? I heard you guys were looking for a video about how I'm fighting against the coronavirus. So here it is.
Right now I'm following a strict regimen of... Supplements that I take three times a day.
These supplements include elderberry syrup, vitamin C, and locally sourced honey. Now I know what you're thinking.
It's good. How do these products help me fight against the coronavirus? A24 movie.

Well done.

Cute.

Cute doggy.

Wipe it on the dog.

The truth is, I don't know.

But I haven't gotten the coronavirus yet.

Maybe I have some natural ability to understand it.

Tell me what you guys think.

What a cute young man.

He's a cute guy.

What do you think?

Do you think he's doing all the right things?

It looked like it.

This one, this is from Cara Gray. Sounds like a porn star, but it's not.
Look at her, she looks Russian. Russian.
She says, I'm fighting coronavirus. She has knives, like 15 knives in her pocket.
I sell bootleg DVD of bad boys. Hey guys, my name is Kara and I am dealing with the coronavirus.
I hang out with all the dogs at my work like beautiful Princess Lacey. Aww.
I love dog looks. So cute.
Not a cat in the world. Yeah.
But also... I like girls that look like that.
But also... Is this dog blind? She's Chinese.
Does that dog have no eyes? Oh, my God. Look at that fucking dog.

Does it have no eyes?

Yeah.

I don't get it.

Look, this... Oh, maybe it was a Chinese...

Maybe it's Thai, Chinese, or no eyes.

This is a Wuhan dog.

It's a Wuhan dog.

This is a Wuhan dog.

Oh, fuck, man.

Oh, boy.

Well, Kara, you're done.

But Wuhan dogs, when they're alive, that's a good thing.

That is a good thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is Jeremy...

What does that say?

Lanasa.

This guy is in Texas drunk.

He sent me this drunk in Texas. Look at what he's doing.
Ready? Yeah. Oh, God.
Even his wife or girlfriend said, you're disgusting. It cuts it off.
But look, he's licking this table, this park bench. No,.
No thank you. No thank you.

He definitely has it.

And this last one is a great song.

This was sent in by... Oh my God, it's Eric Griffin.

Griffin with Griffin.

Griffin with Griffin.

This is sent in from Craig Lee Chimane.

Look at this oh shit how good is that song who wrote it we don't know but we have a translator andres can translate what is he saying right there some of that stuff it's saying take care coronavirus is care, coronavirus is around. Take care, coronavirus is around.
Listen to the rest of it. He'll keep translating.
Ready? Yeah. Yeah.
What does that say? Corona, corona, corona. Perfecto.
What's coronavirus? No, coronavirus. It's coronavirus in Spanish.
Coronavirus. Exactly.
So he's just saying corona corona corona coronavirus okay what's in all right let's hear the rest ready what is he saying he's saying i have a headache my knees hurt, I put my mask on and take my pills. Here we go.
What is that? What was the last part? I don't know. Thank you so much for the translations.
No, really. I appreciate it.
That was some great fans submittal. Thank you guys for helping how you guys are fighting coronavirus.
I appreciate it very much. Yeah, but I called my...
I was going to try to think... Because I have to go to Denver right now.
Are you canceling shows? Well, I called my people. I go, are peopleing or that they're not yet buddy dude so i'm like nikki glazer just texted me this morning literally on the way here and was like hey are you around i'm in la i'm can't i've canceled seattle so and i was like i just i'm about to sell out seattle for next month and i think it's all gonna get canceled all that stuff yeah i think i'm already gonna cancel going to cancel Houston maybe Ontario I don't know Ontario's right here I'll just drive there.
That's close Wait a minute Houston you're going to cancel all that stuff? I'm scared of what I'm going to cancel. I'm supposed to go to Connecticut next week Yeah but I was calling about that and they're like well you know no one doing it.
I mean, we canceled Coachella and all these gigantic festivals. I don't see the difference between they go, but clubs are fine.
But it's still people congregating in an area. It's all the same.
Are you scared? Be honest. Be honest.
I think that if I get it, I'm the type of guy that's going to die from it. Why? Because I have weak lungs smoke it's because i smoke but you're still healthy well i don't have like any physical i don't have diabetes diabetes diabetes and i don't have um bobby got diabetes i don't have any of those things but i um i think i'm always on the fence you know like my doctor always my doctor always always it was always like yeah you're you're on the fence but on a lot of things.
Really? I don't think so. You're not a fucking doctor, Red! Yes, I am.
Give me your wrist. I'm going to read your pulse.
Come here. One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, twelve, six.
Okay. You're fine.
Well, I know it works. No, but I'm saying I did the math.
You're fine. You're good.
Are you being real? Open your mouth. Let me see.
Open your mouth. Open your wide.
Open your wide. Make a noise.
Go. Perfect.
No, look. You have no training.
Yes, I do. I took CPR.
You know, I was CPR certified because I was a lifeguard,

and you used to have to go one and two and three and blow,

one and two and three and blow,

and now they don't want you to touch their mouth.

You're supposed to just punch them as hard as you can in the chest

until they wake up.

Yeah, I'm the type of guy that wouldn't do that.

Like if I'm at a restaurant.

If I was, if you, me you would.

You would push my chest.

You would compress my chest.

There's no way. You wouldn't try to save my fucking life? I'd play Candy Crush or something.
While I'm dying? Yeah, because this actually happened. I was in, remember I was in Washington.
I was in Washington with Kalilah. And we're at a restaurant.
And the lady next to us dies. Shut up.
She started choking? No, she just died. Collapsed.
You know what I mean? And Kalilah gets up. And she's now, because Kalilah's a nurse.
So she's doing like compressions on the chest. Yeah.
And everyone's calling 911. It's chaos.
And Kalilah looks up. And I have my iPad with me.
And I'm playing Candy Crush. I'll tell you why.
I'm not doing it because I'm evil. No, but she's a a nurse No, it's not because it was just so gnarly Yeah That I had to just like do something else Yeah, no, I get it And I have another thing that I do That I don't really talk about But if I'm on an elevator And anyone over the age of 60 walks onto the elevator You hold your breath No, I'll get off the elevator.
Anytime. Every time.
Why? Because especially if I'm alone in the elevator, because if this person dies, I'll probably just leave. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Because I don't know how to call and I don't know who to call. I don't know what papers to sign.
I don't know who to interview. I got shit to do.
You don't have to do almost any of that. If you died in an elevator and you're just by yourself, you can't just leave? You would just go, somebody died in there and then they show up and then the paramedics help them.
Okay, so let's get this. Let's play this out.
Okay. All right.
I'm in an elevator. Yeah.
Old man walks in. Old man walks in.

And he goes, hello, young man.

I was in the Korean War.

Because old people always say something like that.

Or they'll say, you know, I love that Chinese restaurant down the street.

And I'll be like, okay, cool.

My heart.

Dead, right? Elevator open I call Hi um Is this Is this the hospital I don't know who to call Is this hospital Well you gotta call 911 Oh fuck 911 911 yes An old man died What's the address I don't know Dum-1-1. Yes.
An old man died.

What's the address?

I don't know.

I'll be right back. And I gotta run outside.

I gotta look at the address. It's 55443

What street?

Sir, what street are we on?

Tamborlin.

Tamborlin. What state?

California. It's California.
Oh, fuck California. Tamborlin Tamborlin What state? California It's California Oh fuck California Tamborlin 995543 California Tamborlin Okay well then The ambulance will be there As soon as possible Can I leave? No You have to go back in with the man Go in right now Oh fuck I I run back in.

Oh, fuck.

I got to do something.

I got to put my mouth in his mouth.

I blow.

It blows up.

That fucking chest.

His bowels just lost.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, yeah.

I leave the elevator.

I'm leaving the elevator to go back outside I'll probably have a cigarette Not by this time though Sir, were you the man that called the police? I am the one What happened to the man? Where is he? He's in the elevator Come with us right now with me right now. Come on, let's go inside.

Oh, shit.

Is that him right there?

Of course.

No, there's another dead guy around the block.

Sir, I don't need your attitude.

I'm just trying to find out how this man died and when he died.

Did you make him shit or poop?

Yes, I don't know what to do.

Because I don't know what to do, so I just punched his chest.

So you caused this man to throw up and have diarrhea inside of this elevator?

Well, because I put my mouth on his mouth and I blew it.

Turn around, sir.

You're under arrest.

Turn around. You're under arrest.
What the fuck? Turn around, sir. You're under arrest.
Turn around.

You're under arrest.

What the fuck?

I have an audition.

You're under arrest.

That's it.

That's what happens.

That's why I don't want to be in the elevator.

That makes perfect sense.

That makes perfect sense.

Look at me, Bob.

I'm being serious.

I'm going to get out of an elevator next time I see an old man.

Yeah.

65 is a little young, though.

70 and up.

I just want to play it safe.

You know what I mean? Yeah. And it's like.
I hold my breath. That's why I thought you were going it safe I hold my breath I don't like the way people smell I don't like strong smells in a tight space so when I get in an elevator people at a hotel I go and you hold your breath until I get to my floor I just don't like people's smells you know when you get in an elevator and you smell them sometimes I do it with a certain ethnic group I don't like to...
And you know when you get an elevator and you can smell them? You'd smell them?

Yeah.

Sometimes I do it with a certain ethnic group.

I don't want to get into the ethnic group.

Yeah, we should.

Let's get right into it.

I don't want to.

Which ones do you not...

I don't want to get into it because I don't want to get in trouble.

Can I guess?

I guess we can play that game.

How about this?

If I guess it right, you just touch the table once.

All right.

All right, here we go.

Ready?

Okay.

Black people. I knew it.
I knew it. Keep getting to hear me.
Okay. Mexicans.
Okay. Anybody from the middle east what about whites the only people you don't asians so it's only white people the only people that you don't I don't know why maybe I like Reverse racism in my mind Well White smell I'll never forget the line that I'm kidding Honestly that was just a bit They know we're joking That's a bit And it's like I don't want people to go crazy What Sean Wayans Had a great line in Don't be a menace I think it was They were like I don't know how the scene Got to it But he goes White people all look alike And they smell like baloney And I thought.
And I thought that was such a funny. And they all smell like bologna.
Yeah. And I was like, do we smell like bologna? To me, you guys smell like, I remember like.
What do I smell like to you? Because I think your visual always affects the way you smell. Just like food.
Yeah. It smells like what you think it's going to taste like.
To me, you're so Americana to me. So so when i look at you i smell um a baseball glove like the leather of the baseball glove love that yeah and then mixed in with apple apple pie a little bit and my favorite kind of pie like coffee like a folgers coffee love canned coffee yeah yeah and then i also smell just a little hint of the noose of a noose of a noose from hanging yeah from hanging because i like hanging out hey because i like hanging out that makes perfect history who's you guys white people dude do you think i have you think anybody in my family owned slaves honestly yeah you do maybe i'm ir Irish and Italian.
You think any of these people own slaves? I'm not rich from the South. I'm not like a rich white guy from the South.
I think if you go back, maybe a little bit, maybe you have one funky uncle that like, you know what I mean? Did some funky shit with some funky black people. I don't know.
We do have funky Frank the uncle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe he did. Yeah.
I mean, I guess, you know, if you look back in my history, right, there's probably some weird- You probably owned slaves. Your family probably owned slaves.
In Korea? What? Sure. Yeah.
Yeah, we enslaved- No, no. First of all, for 60 years, Japan occupied Korea.
That's right. We were- You guys had slaves, though.
Koreans had slaves. Like who?

Taiwanese?

No, no.

We never did.

We never occupied nobody.

You never occupied anybody?

No, we were oppressed.

That's why Koreans are so strong.

Because we were able to survive all this oppression.

And we are resilient people.

Do Koreans ever have slaves?

I want to know.

That's insane that you...

Why would you even Google that?

Google's not going to even know that.

Slavery in Korea.

Slavery in Korea existed since antiquity.

The practice of slavery in South Korea is illegal, though forms of modern slavery, such as human trafficking, still exists.

North Korea, slavery is practiced by the country's regime.

Yeah, in North Korea, yeah, yeah.

Well, South Korea, media reports the abuse and exploitation of people with disabilities on rural islands. Oh, man! Salt farms in Sinan County.
Wait, on rural islands, they use people with disabilities. Yes, so you guys exploited disabled people on rural islands, salt farms in Sinan County and described as slavery.
Hey, no arms! Pick up that salt! Fuck you. Look at this.
You guys exploited disabled people in salt farms in Sinan County, and that's in 2015, five years ago. So yeah, you had slaves.
You got them still. You take mentally challenged people and you make them work in the salt farms.
What else are they going to do here at mcdonald's right here at mcdonald's the fry guy that's not slavery they pay him oh they do yes they pay those guys oh shit by the way do you even know what salt farms are i've never heard of a salt farm in sinan county oh it's literally just salt mining look at how beautiful that facility is oh yeah it looks nice to work. Everyone's so nice.
There's like a little spa in there. Yeah.
This looks nice. This looks like a safe, nice place to work.
Yeah. That looks nice.
That looks like a beautiful salt for a salt farm. In Sinan County has been described.
All right, dude. I didn't know that about I apologize on behalf of my people.
All right. Where's Sinan County, by the way?, it's the south-south part of South Korea.
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Terms

and conditions apply. I also want to mention about, um, um, because we're talking about older white people.
Yeah. I always get, you know, I always get, like, reformed white, old white people, like really old white people try to talk to me.
Yeah. Like maybe like 40 or 50 years ago they were racist.
On the road? Like, yeah, so I was at Barnes & Noble, like I was in Idaho or something. Yeah, the last one, I guess.
Yeah, and this old lady came up to me and she goes, I was reading a, I wasn't reading a book, I was like reading a magazine. She's like, hello, young man.

And I go, oh, hi, good morning or afternoon.

She's like, oh, what you reading, young man?

I go, oh, just, you know, my video game magazine.

You know, because I used like watching video game magazines.

Yeah.

And like whatever the next RPG is coming out or whatever.

She goes, oh, you know, my son served in Vietnam. Very nice.
And my, you know, my older brother, you know, served in the Korean War. And we just love the food.
And they just bring up all this fucking like Asian shit. Yeah.
And, you know, I love the Hello Kitties that the Hello Kitties you guys make. They're just cute.
They're just cute plushy dolls. You know what I mean? These are all compliments.
And it's like, hey lady, back up. All right.
You don't want her compliments? She loves Hello Kitty? It's not that. It's like, I'm, just talk to me normal brah.
What would normal be? That's all she knows. No just say Oh that's nice golden goose shoes you're wearing She doesn't know shoes And I'd be like oh yeah they're 850 bucks Thank you I got them in Beverly Hills I got them in Beverly Hills She's like Hello nice little Asian boy I like the shape Of your body Yeah You know My brother Fought in the war And so did my father Yeah And I've gotta tell you They hate you slants But I love you people I think that's Maybe hidden behind What she's trying to say is I'm not racist, but – she's trying to say like my history is racist.
Yeah. But I'm trying to not be.
Yeah. It's nice.
She's trying. She's an idiot, but she's trying.
Yeah, and that's why I don't like – I don't cut them off. I'm always like very kind in those situations because I am know, I am, you know, a living human being living amongst in a society and I'm not a crazy person.
Because what are you going to do? You can't teach her. You can't be like – you can't like go, hey, lady, that's stupid and racist because she'll go, what? I know.
I can't say like, hey, lady, you know, I just – be real. I've had like 20,000 white chicks like just nutted inside them yeah yeah so it's like uh you know that's my game is that is that like a thing to tell to her that you're like i i know but that's deep down inside i wanted to say that i'm not like a ching chongy you know i mean asian guy that you're trying to do you think i'm like just like everyone else uh yeah yeah, look, I just think she's trying.

I mean, she's trying, right?

Don't you think?

Don't you give her a little credit?

That's why I'm always nice.

Because she made the effort, right?

I remember also she went to her car and then she tried to come to me because she saw me sitting on the curb outside this Barnes & Noble.

And I could see her turn around and look at and like do the thinking like, should I? Should I tell him? Should I try to connect with this little ching chong? Yeah. And then she turned around.
Hello, noodle boys! And I remember her taking forever to get to me. Right.
And then me in my head sitting there going, what the fuck? She's coming to me. Freaking out.
Yeah, holy, what the fuck do I say? Do you find that old people or people in general, I have a very go-ahead-and-ask-me face. For some reason, dude, anywhere I am in the country, in the world, people will ask me for directions.
Or they'll ask me a question about, do you know where so-and they ask me every time yeah i've never gotten that why do you think why do people i just look untrustworthy and i look confused okay but if you saw me on the street why would you think you'd ask me where a thing was yeah because you look like a um oh no i'm just saying i'm being real i know you look like a 1940s captain of some sort of like ship like a british ship where are you going yeah you just have a your face it's like you have the kind of face like if i was at a hotel like a really old hotel like the shining yeah and i would look at and i would i'm like you have the type of face like i'd look at an old photo and go that's andrew and then Underneath it says 1929. Right.
Right? Like you could, yeah. I've been around for a long time.
It seems immortal. Like, oh, do you think maybe I'm, do you think I've lived and died so many times? Maybe you're like a Highlander Sean Connery vibe.
You have that kind of vibe. I love that.
Yeah, yeah. How old do you think, how old do you think? What do I look like though? Do I look like, because I just gave you a couple of compliments.
Kind of. Yes, I would like to maybe, you know.
You look like, if I saw you on the street and I had no idea who you were, and I saw your cute little smiley face. Give me a smile.
There it is. If I saw you on the street doing that, I'd go, that looks like a jolly fun man.
A fun guy who also looks a little lost. You always kind of look lost look lost because you do this a lot you turn you walk away and then you turn and then you walk another way i don't think you ever really know where you're going i have no idea what's going on which is really nice yeah so i would never ask you for directions yeah but i'd also go i bet you that guy's great on an adventure okay i would never follow you into the woods because i think we'd get lost but not nothing else.
think we'd have good sex But we could do that out of the woods I don't think you would want me in the woods I don't think that you would want me Survival wise? No you wouldn't want me on a deserted island Let's say you and I Are playing a plane crash We're the only survivors You and I end up you wouldn't want I would be the last person you'd want there why because I would have to save you tribal real quick you try to kill me yeah like as soon as we got on the beach you'd look up I'd be completely naked with a spear trying to kill and have like like some sort of like makeup on my face and be like and I'd just speak the language immediately yeah immediately yeah. Wow.
I'd be already like, you know, like in Return of the Jedi when they took Han Solo and they were in the rotisserie of the Ewoks. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you'd be already in that. Yeah, I mean.
So you would kill me. You think you'd kill me? My whole thing is, I think, see, my scenario is we crash on an island.
I have to gather and collect everything because you're laying down. You're finding a way to play Candy Crush on the sand.
In the sand. No, I would need to probably rest.
Honestly, I would be on the beach like this and I'd be first probably sunburned as fuck. See, I would – And then I'd be looking up and you're chopping things down.
I'd be climbing climbing a tree getting coconuts. Coconuts, right.
And I'd just be laying... And I would probably be contemplating my life like, why am I fucking on this island with this piece of shit? See, after two days of no water and you not doing anything to try to get food for us, I would have one of those nightmares in the middle of the night where I grab a coconut and I smash it over your head.
Because I think, he's got protein, I can eat him without a doubt. Yeah.
You know, I would see you and I go, because I'd lose a lot of weight really fast. Because I knew that, I would know that about you.
So you try to kill me first. That's why I would already pre, yeah, yeah.
I'd already have the spear ready to go. Really? Right up front.
But the moment I die, are you going to try to eat me? I'd probably fuck you first. Fuck me and then eat me? Right when the body is warm.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Still warm.
So you'd fuck me? Because I probably won't have a warm hole for a very long time. I can promise you that when I kill you, I won't eat you.
Or I won't fuck you. Yeah.
Oh, really? I wouldn't fuck you. Wouldn't it be funny if I fucked you, ate you, and I walked across to the island as a resort? And I'm just in Hawaii.
You think you're in the deserted island? I'm like, oh shit, my bad. You're just in Maui? Yeah, I'm in Maui.
And then they're like, why is that naked guy with the spear with the makeup? Blood dripping from your mouth? And just like, yeah. Why does he have red hairs in his teeth? And his dick is out? What happened? What I would probably do then, in that case, I would be like, I would probably, I would say, I, the plane crashed and I was on the beach alone.

And they go, but you didn't see the lights from the resort right over the hill?

Yeah, but they're like, is there any other survivors?

I'll be like, no.

There's no other survivors?

No, no, no, no.

How come there's blood all over you?

It's my own blood.

Let me see.

You don't have any cuts on you at all.

Internal bleeding.

It's coming out?

Internal blood is coming out?

Yeah, I need to go to the hospital.

Okay, well, take it to the hospital. Yeah.
And they're like, why why is your dick with shit on it why does your dick have poop all over it uh I don't because I have reverse Crohn's oh it comes out I would like make up a disease reverse Crohn's I have reverse Crohn's right and the doctors of course would go right we've heard of reverse Crohn's that's when poop comes out of your pee pee yeah yeah um okay so real quick Bob I want to do a little fun segment uh this is your bits today i love it i really do like the bits i love your little bits wait but here but this is not really me it's more um this is for you to read don't read it yet don't read it yet this is uh this is for you guys so you know andres is the new is our newbie you know that's with us and he And I feel like he's perfect to read us some of the news headlines of the day. And he wrote these jokes.
Andres wrote all these jokes himself. He wrote jokes? He wrote all these jokes.
But he's not a joke writer. Yes, he is.
Let's listen to some of this stuff. So, Andres- Can I look at it now? Yeah, look at it, but don't read it.
Let him read these. You can just see what the topics are in case you can't make out what he's saying because he's, you know.
Okay, okay. So, Andreas, go ahead.
Okay. Okay, guys.
Welcome back to this edition of Malos Amigos News. I'm Andres Rosende, and here are some top stories in broken English.
Wait, hold on. Yeah.
You got to say it. You got to project.
Let's make the – this is a segment, Andres, so you've got to go, Welcome back to this edition of Malos Amigos News.

I'm Andres Rosanal, and here are some—

Yeah, you're a news person.

You're a news person now.

Imagine this is live.

Yeah, we're hiring you.

Yeah, we're hiring you, man.

Okay, so if you want to keep your job, let's go.

All right.

Okay, here we go.

Let's be camera.

Let's pretend we're on a show.

All right, guys, get the cameras going.

All right, let's sound.

Let's sound up.

And so—and five, four, three, two, and go, Andreas. Welcome back to this edition of Malos Amigos News.
I'm André Rosende, and here are some top stories in broken English. Harvey once then fell and hid his head in jail while trying to walk rather than use his wheelchair.
But at least now his head will be throbbing and not his butthole. Yay! That's really good, Andres.
So Harvey Weinstein hit his head and fell in jail. Did you know that? No.
That's a real thing. And they gave him 26 years today in prison.
Oh, he's done then. He's done.
Yeah, yeah. His lawyer said he's not going to last five years.
They go, he'll never last five years. And the judge was like, too bad, 26.
And he's in Rikers Island, bro. Rikers Island.
Oh, my. Dude, imagine.
He's done. I mean, but it's like, imagine owning Miramax.
Yeah. You're the top guy, like Brad Pitt.
Everybody wants to be around you. Every celebrity ever worked with you.
You're're the king George Clooney, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon everybody why is rape in your head? isn't that weird? all that power and he had to rape wouldn't you just get hookers? with all that money? I would just find the hottest girl on planet Earth, which you could get, right?

And just go, that's it.

Yeah, I'm a billionaire.

I'm a billionaire.

Hey.

And then you can maybe cheat on the side and have mistresses.

Even if – look at it like this.

Even if the hottest girl was like, I still don't want to have sex with you and you're that rich, just buy prostitutes.

I would buy them for the rest of my life then.

You could buy the hottest girls on planet Earth. And you could pay them just to hang out.
I know. I don't get it.
I don't get it. All right, let's go to the next joke.
Come on, Alex. Loud and clear.
Loud and more energy. Energy.
You're not loud enough. Energy.
Yeah. Conspiracy theorist.
Go ahead. Conspiracy theorist.
Alex Jones got a DUI in Texas, and even though he blew under the legal limit, he called the cops gay lizards. So they had to book him Dano.
It's book him Dano. Do you know what book him Dano is? Book him Dano.
Book him Dano is from? The movie Hot Cops. No, it's from Hawaii Five-0.
Hawaii Five-0. All right.
Book him, Dan-O.

Yeah, Alex Jones got a DUI in Texas.

He blew under the legal limit.

Do you know that?

He's going to get out.

He's trying to get out of it because he's saying it's a .08.

He blew .079.

Yeah.

And he's saying they booked him because he's a conspiracy theorist.

You know, the Sandy Hook. The only reason why the guy is famous is because people talk about him.

Yeah, but he's.

He says crazy things.

He does.

He's like, he, you know, once he said that, like, what's what's the school? Sandy Hook. Sandy Hook was a hoax.
I know. He said— As soon as that—they should have just shut everything off.
Every mic should have been taken away from him. He has no more credibility.
It's crazy. It's insane.
Hey, Bobby, Bobby, you son of a bitch. You're talking to me about Sandy Hook isn't a real thing, Bob.
And I'd be like, yeah, well, then what happened to the fucking kids?

Those are all actors.

They're all actors.

They're not.

Yeah, they're all actors.

You don't know because you're part of the lizard community here in Hollywood.

All right, let's hear the next one.

Okay, so Andrew Yan officially endorsed Joe Biden.

This is sad.

It's just another young Asian boy being manipulated by an old rich white man. You're giving up on the jokes.
Say it again nice and clear, nice and smooth. Let's try it again.
Come on. Here we go.
Let's try it again, bro. Andrew Yang.
Go ahead. Andrew Yang officially endorses Joe Biden.
This is sad. It's just another young Asian boy being manipulated by an old rich white man.
Andrew Yang. That's ridiculous.
That's a good joke. It's just another young Asian boy being manipulated by an old rich white man.
That's a funny joke, Andres. That's very good.
Did you write that? Honestly, who wrote that? He wrote all these jokes. It's all my time writing.
You wrote that? He wrote all of these jokes. It's really well crafted.
Mm-hmm. Yeah, the point of view is there.
Are you being facetious? That's a good joke. It is a pretty good joke, yeah.
That's a great joke. But the truth of the matter is that it's like— It's just another Asian boy being manipulated by an old rich white man.
Honestly, Andrew Yang endorsing Joe Biden made a lot of people upset for some reason. Whatever.
They're going to—who cares? I hungry. Oh, well, if you want to get some food in your belly, easy, convenient, to your door, why don't you use DoorDash? I use DoorDash all the time, my friend.
Yeah, it's incredible. Delivery is more than just pizza.
Do you? Yeah, I get like this Mexican restaurant by my house. I love that.
I love it so much. Yeah, you've got big plans for 2020.
And if you can't find time to do it, you should download Get Some DoorDash so you can sit at home. Also, Valentine's Day is approaching, and sometimes you forget to make reservations.

Valentine's Day is over.

So don't settle for the last table available.

Treat your date to delivery with Door Dash at home.

That's what I do.

Valentine's Day already passed.

You know, next Valentine's Day.

Because they have them every year.

No.

Oh, they do?

Yeah, yeah.

They have Valentine's Day every year.

Oh, well, that's good.

So the next one, just prepare and just do Door Dash. Well,, look, DoorDash brings all of America's flavors to your front door.
Ordering is very simple. Open up the app.
Choose what you want. Your food going to come to you.
You don't got to move. Sit on the couch.
Get fat. Get lazy.
50 U.S. States, Puerto Rico, Canada, Australia.
You could order all over the world. I mean, like restaurants like Chipotle, Wendy's, Chick-fil-A, and the Cheesecake Factory.
Cheesecake Factory has so much to eat, by the way. How could you not find something that you want on there? With DoorDash, you never have to worry about where your next meal is coming from.
You don't have to hunt like Bobby doesn't like. You can do yourself a favor, download DoorDash.
So right now, our listeners will get $5 off their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter the code. BadFront.
That's right. $5 off your first order of $15 or more when you download the door dash app and enter the code bad friend that's right five bucks off your first order with uh fifteen dollars or more when you download that door door dash app door dash app it is and you enter the code bad friend get it you know i'm i'm i prefer bernie over biden right i do i just yeah that's fine you know all right you lean in a weird way but um don't like – I said this before.
I like none of these people. I don't trust any of them.
I don't either. They're all just fucking puppets.
Yeah, I don't like them. There's a guy behind the guy.
I think Joe Biden is a hack and I think Bernie is a psychopath. I think all of them are off their rocker.
Yeah, don't say that. I'm going to make school for free.
Shut up. What are you talking about? They're all crazy.
Anyway all crazy anyway go ahead now andreas if this is not clear and fucking you know i mean and you don't sell the jokey part of it you gotta sell it dude i'm gonna fire you okay all right so louder louder clearer and more angst not angst gusto oomph o Oomph. Yeah.
What's gusto in Spanish?

How do you say gusto?

What's bravado?

Bravado.

Bravado.

Bravado.

Okay, here we go.

Don't blush either.

Don't blush.

It's fine. We're not angst.

Okay, let's go.

Commercial or la angst?

All right, stop. Cut.

Stop.

I'm sorry.

Dude, you're really pissing off the boss here, pal. I'm just letting you know.
Bad idea, Andres. Andres, I saw you a couple days ago.
I was really nice to you. Yeah, he was.
Was I not? We hugged. We had that sweater on.
We did a couple pumps or whatever. And I don't do that with everyone.
There's something about you that I really like, right? But if you're not, you're taking away, you know what I mean? And you're putting hate in there. He's diminishing this.
You're diminishing it. So just really vocalize and commit.
Commit. Okay.
Go ahead. Come on in.
Commit. And action.
Commercial airlines are seeing a massive dip in travel. And subsequently, the private jet business is booming.
Also, subsequently, private jet is the nickname I use for my penis. And let me tell you, business is booming.
That's a good joke. That's a good joke, Andreas.
Andreas, that's a really good joke. Yeah, it's a very good joke.
By the way, did you say penis? It says penne. Is penne penis in Spanish? It is.
Oh, that's funny. Yeah, that's really funny.
And let me tell you. See what I'm saying? If you would have said that with low energy.
You're a good coach because that worked. Yeah, it wouldn't have worked.
God, that's really funny. Yeah.
So do you trust me from now on? I do. Okay, thank you.
Commercial airlines are having a dip. I didn't understand a word he said Yeah Private jets are going up We should take only private jets

You want to take a private jet with me somewhere?

No because that's how Buddy Holly died

Ooh wee

And Otis Redding

And

The Big Dipper

Yeah

Yeah

God that's so sad all those people

Yeah but they died back when it was like

The pilots were drunk

They flew in the fog

They don't do that stuff anymore

Would you rather take a helicopter or a private jet?

You

Private jet

Yeah

Here we go. drunk.
They flew in the fog. They don't do that stuff anymore.
Would you rather take a helicopter or a private jet? Private jet. After that whole thing.
What's that buzzing? Do you hear that? There's a buzzing. Oh, there it is.
It's gone now. That's the thing.
I would take a private jet over a helicopter. Helicopters scare the shit.
They scared me before Kobe died. I think both of those, though, are like...
I think helicopters are more dangerous. I mean they are literally.
I probably don't know the facts. I did.
I looked it up after Kobe died. Because in Hawaii, like before Kobe died, in Hawaii, a whole family died, you know what I mean, from a helicopter crash.
Yeah. I think it happens more often than we know.
How many helicopter crashes are there? Here, look at this. In the last decade, more than 380 people have died in helicopter accidents.

Meanwhile, there are over 47,000 accidents, serious incidents involving airplanes in the U.S. airspace.

So I guess it's more common to die in airplane accidents, but that's only because there's way more airplane flights than helicopters.

I don't think this is an even – do you know what I mean?

Right.

I hear that buzzing again, by the way. I don't know why.
That's got to be a cord or something. Why do you get so angry? Just let it buzz or not.
You know what I mean? I just don't like the buzz. It's like, can you not hear that? I know, but there's a nicer way to say that.
Okay, here. Can I say it again? Yeah.
Hey, guys, there's a little bit buzzing in the headphones. Can we check that out and make sure that it's not buzzing anymore? Was that a little bit better or no? That's much better.
Thank you. Yeah.
Okay, so let's move on to the next one. I want to go to the next one.
Andreas, go to the next one. That joke was really good, by the way.
Thank you. He calls his penis the private jet.
You know what we should do? That's very funny. I think next week, you and I should get together in a coffee shop and write a stand-up act.
For Andres? For Andres. And film it? No, and have Andres do a stand-up act with jokes that we wrote.
For us. Yeah, and just do a little show for us with the act.

Love it.

He can't read it off the thing.

He has to memorize the joke.

He's never going to be able to do that.

He's going to do it.

He can barely read it off the thing now.

All right, maybe he can have a cheat-up.

And he wrote these jokes.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's crazy.

So he can have a cheat-cheat,

but like, you know.

What if we give him cue cards?

You and I can give him cue cards.

That's right.

Okay, we'll give you cue cards.

Does that sound good? Yeah. All right, so Andreas, let's hear the next one.
What is it? Energy. Energy.
Top, top, top, top, top, top, top. President Donald Trump is refusing to get tested for coronavirus, even though he was exposed to it recently.
When asked why he won't get tested for the virus, he replied, Only beaners, blacks, gays, and Jews are going to get it. I'm going to be fine.
Wow. That's a pretty edgy joke you wrote.
That's a little. But the accent was really good.
Can you do the Trump thing? Just the Trump line. Mr.
President, Mr. President, why aren't you going to get tested for the virus? Loud.
Let's hear what he said. Go with vigor.
Go ahead. Why aren't you going to get tested, sir? Only beaners and blacks and gays and Jews are going to get it.

I'm going to be fine.

That's a better – I can't do it better than that.

That's a really good Trump.

That's a really good Spanish Trump.

I like that.

That's really good.

Stump Trump.

He didn't actually say that though, did he, Trump?

He did.

Trump did.

He did.

He did.

On CNN, he goes, only beaners, blacks, gays, and Jews are going to get it.

What's the next one? Energy. Energy, energy, energy.
Okay. Rare white giraffes.
No, Scott. Again.
You can't stumble. Yeah, you can't stumble.
Okay. Rare white giraffes were killed by poachers in Kenya.
The Wildlife Foundation is disgusted with the act, but I, for one, I see the justice. It's time for the giraffe gentrification to stop.
Keep the white giraffes out of our neighborhood. It's like a reverse.
That's good. It's really good.
That's really good. All right.
Really good. Let's hear the next one.
By the way, the white giraffe, do you know that that's a true story? Two white giraffes were found killed by poachers, and they're like, there's only so many left. It's disgusting.
I think there's a rhino too that – what was the white rhino that no longer exists? Oh, that got killed off. Yeah.
But I mean I think there's only – But that's not because – Two rare white giraffes. It's not like poachers are like, let's kill that white giraffe because we hate white giraffes.
It's because I think white giraffes and white rhinos are more coveted. Right.
And more expensive, probably. Yeah, I guess maybe.
I don't know. But to kill them? It said that they found them and it indicated that they killed them weeks before.
Yeah. So they killed them, left them there for weeks.
Yeah. That's sad.
I mean, let me ask you about just a side note, because I know you hang out with buff eyes. Because buff eyes likes to hunt.
Buff eyes loves to hunt. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. That's sad.
I mean, let me ask you about just a side note because I know you hang out with Buff Eyes because Buff Eyes likes to hunt.

Buff Eyes loves to hunt.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell people who Buff Eyes is.

No, we'll just say Buff Eyes.

That's fine.

And Buff Eyes, so how do you feel about hunting?

What do you mean how do I feel about it?

Because he enjoys it and he has a philosophy.

I don't do it.

Would you ever hunt anything?

Yeah, if I was going to eat it 100%. Yeah, but my point is that you just go to the restaurant.
No, no. People hunt.
What a Morton's. People hunt because it's a fun sport.
And then if you eat it and you purpose it as something, then it seems totally fine to me. But it's the fun sport part.
You know what I mean? To me, it's like, are you doing it as survival because you want to eat? No, it's not. Obviously obviously not because you get excited to kill something that was once like hanging out with his family out in the fucking grazing that's why most hunters like hunting i don't really hunt but i don't care that people do as long as you eat it and purpose it because i always think that like you know because i know that like i don't have time to hunt where am i gonna hunt i'm in los angeles i don't i wouldn't even know what i if one day they said, all right, guys, there's no more meat.
You have to hunt for your own meat. I would probably take an oven mitt, a Swiss army knife out into the pasture and just jab a cow in its ass.
I don't know what to do. That's right.
Jab a cow in its ass. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's it. All right.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
All right. Ready? Hey, Bob, coach him.
Coach him. Go, go.
Nucleomidia species were discovered deep under the Arctic Ocean, which can only mean one thing. That Jamaican crab, Sebastian, is a did again.
Read that one slower again. That's really good, though.
Read that one slower. That's a good joke.
Yeah. The whole thing.
Yeah, the, the whole thing. Nuclamydia species were discovered deep under the ocean.
Slow it down, slow it down. Nuclamydia species was nice and slow, baby.
A little louder. That's because they speak so fast in their language.
I know, I know, I know. They go, Just nice and slow, a Spaniard.
Here we go. Nuclamydia species were discovered deep under the Arctic Ocean.
Same. It just goes faster.
Same. It goes faster.
Nuclamydia species were discovered deep under the arctic ocean same

it just goes for same it goes faster

nuclear media species were discovered deep under the arctic ocean

go ahead which can only mean one thing

that jamaican bastard crap

sebastian is at it again

under the sea yeah that's really

good all right let's hear the next two we only got

two more left andreas you're really you're murdering it

how long did it take you to write these be honest

how long like two days two days

that's pretty good though yeah how We only got two more left. Andreas, you're murdering it.
How long did it take you to write these? Be honest. How long? Two days.
Two days? That's pretty good, though. How many jokes? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
We're going to write them just fucked up. But ten jokes in two days is really good.
You and I are going to write them a fucked up joke. I know.
Okay, let's go. What's the next one? Nice and slow, but energy.
And! Okay. The NHL made history when they used an all-female crew to broadcast the game on International Women's Day.
These are strong women. They made it through three brutally bloody periods.
Andreas, that's very good. Very good.
All right, let's... Let me, let me...
No, Andreas, the joke that you wrote Explain me the joke, why it's funny Explain that NHL joke to Bob Well, because It's a game that is bloody But also a period Means also like, you know That time of the month when like a woman Very good, see he did write it Yeah it. Yeah, I know.
What do you mean? He did. I'm just questioning because to me, it seemed like something that he would write.
What does he know about the NHL? Here's what George said. I said, how are these jokes? And George goes, here's the thing.
He knows how to write English better than to say it. Ah.
Oh, I see. So he can write English, obviously.
All right, obviously. Okay.
But honestly, speaking it, this is much harder for him.

Right.

All right, let's hear the last one.

Let's hear your last dinger.

Okay, ready for the last one?

Yeah, but Bob, call Jim.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hey, hey.

All right, five.

So, you know what I mean?

So, I don't know why I just said it.

Andres.

And also, Andres, there's another guy that can replace you. There's two guys that we found.
We got on LinkedIn. So this is your last shot.
So really celebrate. Five, four, three.
And action. Police captured a yellow lab that beat and killed a Dutch hound and beat five people.
When asked to comment, the dog said, hey, it's a dog

by dog world.

It's terrible.

It's terrible.

Can I read it as you?

Yes, please. Ready?

Police captured

a yellow lab that beat and killed

a dog hound and beat

five people. When asked to comment,

the dog said,

hey,

it's a dog bite dog world.

These are really good jokes.

Let's give it up for Andreas on these jokes.

Hey, Andreas.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you.

Man, so good.

Man, you're so fucking good.

These are really, really good.

That is a good...

Look, I think the next thing

we're going to do

is we're going to write

a bunch of stand-up bits for him.

Yeah, we'll sit down.

Should we make him perform

here on the show? Yeah. We should do also different styles we should do like you know a towel like switches and stuff so you're saying write different styles for him each week no no we'll just in the in the act we'll do like he has to do impressions oh yeah yeah yeah right some um observation humor can you do? I don't think so but sure

what's an impression that we think he could do though?

that's the problem

can you do Christopher Walken?

that's a standard easy one

that's like entry level

how about Robert De Niro?

are you talking to me?

are you talking to me?

everything's going to sound like Pablo Escobar to me

no matter what

can you do Pablo Escobar?

do him

I don't have to make an accent I speak normally Yeah so say like There it is Go get the cocaine Plata o plomo Plata o plomo What is that? What does that mean? That's like Either you take the money Or It's lead or money Lead or or money. Oh, Plattopomo.
Plattopomo. How about Joan Rivers? Go ahead.
Oh, yeah. That one's easy for you.
That's easy. Come on.
Yeah. I don't think.
Can we talk? Can we talk? Dude, it's so good. It's literally anybody and everybody at the same time.
Can you do an impression of me or Bobby? Do an impression of me and then Bobby. This is where I'm going to get angry.
Go ahead. Do one of me.
Try one. Try one of me first.
Go ahead. Come on.
Time's wasted. No dead air, baby.
Bobby, why do you have to be like that? That's good. That's very good.
Now do one of Bob. Do one of me.
Yeah. You're not an asshole.
To me. That's really good.
That's really good. God, that's really, really good.
I just wanted to hear just one last thing, Andreas. All right? Yes.
I want you to do an Asian accent. Yeah, I just wanted to see what it sounds like, right? Yeah, just one.
So I want you to say, A, you touch you by. So I'm a guy.
I'm walking in a liquor store. And you're a liquor store owner, right? So I'm like, you know what I mean? The phrase is you break you by, right? Yeah, you touch you by.
Well, let's give him some reference for it. I'm going to play that scene of you break you by.
All right. So then you can, you break you by.

Do you understand what this is in reference to or no?

I do.

Okay, so you know it's like a, there's like a very.

I didn't even know this was in a movie.

It's just.

Well, don't be a menace had it.

Oh, really? So here, this is a scene in Don't Be a Menace.

And they joked about this.

This is a common phrase.

Do you understand?

Do you know the background of this?

I just watch.

I think I do.

Okay.

Turn it up a little bit.

This is a great scene.

Them walking into a Korean convenience store. And the white guy is stealing.
So fucking good. So racist, so good.
Hurry up and buy. There's one.

Hurry up and buy.

Okay?

Got it.

Hurry up and buy.

Hurry up and buy.

You got it?

I got it.

Hurry up and buy.

Break your step.

The white guy just steals the money right out of the register.

There we go.

Very funny.

Very funny.

The white guy gets away with it.

Let's hear the final version of it.

Where's it coming?

All right, whatever. I'm talking to you.
How much for this candy bar? Five dollars. What? Better give me some sucky sucky with that five dollars.
Jesus Christ. All right, you heard it.
You break, you buy, hurry up and buy. Uh-huh.
So do that best impression for Bob. Bob wants to hear you do those.
So go ahead. Hurry up and buy.

With an Asian accent, not in yours.

Go ahead. That was my Asian accent.
Really work for it.

Really work for it.

You thought

you'd buy.

You gotta get smaller.

You went like this.

By watching that clip.

Yeah, from Don't Be a Menace.

Imagine, when I came to LA.

Yeah.

Those are the only parts available.

Yeah, that was it. That's crazy to think that like back in the day,

Ali Wong, all these like, you know,

these woke new Asians, you know, Aquafina.

Right.

They would have to wait in line.

To do Hurry Up and Buy.

To do Hurry Up and Buy.

Wow. Was the only available thing.
Yeah, that's kind of, thing yeah that's I mean that's it's like crazy to think what was what was what was the name of but that is I mean but to be fair didn't you play some of those characters on mad tv you would do shit like that right so it's like yeah but I would yeah but I would do it to the point where, like, you ever see Johnny Gone? Yeah. So go to YouTube.
You've seen Johnny Gone. Hold on.
Let me see. Don't be a menace.
I just want to see the name of this poor woman that did that hurry up and buy scene. Yeah.
And I want to see if perhaps maybe she worked other, so Miss Johnson? No, that's obviously not it. But I want to see the film.
She's probably not even the credits. That's how fucking low.
You think they put her out of the credits maybe but look okay whatever the case may be i don't think you're gonna find the the store owner for some reason in here look she's not even credited i know that's how fucking sad it was now look at go to youtube and go johnny gone is a character you ever seen my johnny gone no it's the it No. It's the, I went to the extreme

with it.

Johnny Gone?

J-O-N-N-Y?

Yeah.

Gone, right?

G-O-N-E?

Just go Mad TV,

Johnny Gone.

Okay, Mad TV,

Johnny Gone.

G-O-N-E?

I don't know.

There it is.

Johnny Gone, G-O-N-E. don't know there we go Johnny Gahn G-A-N

it's so racist

because I

what say it

it's so racist

because what

I just wanted to do

a character that was

so racist

that it became

almost like not racist

okay let's see Oh my god. Hello peoples.
If one time when it get cold and the woman's nipples stick out and Johnny Gunn make the Oscar guesses on the Johnny Gunn movie guesses for the Oscar award show. Oh, my God.
I am Johnny Gunn. And with me is very...
This is literally setting back... This setting...
This sets everyone back about a thousand years. No, it doesn't.
No, it's hilarious. Yeah's hilarious yeah yeah because um it's hilarious because i just wanted to do something that was just so so over the top in it you know what i mean yeah but people didn't like it no really did you get a lot of criticism for it yeah really people don't like it but you know what are you gonna do i mean i just i don't know why look it's that was when it it's so funny because in the beginning of Mad TV, they wouldn't give me anything.
Right. And then by the fourth year, I became – people started liking me.
What do you mean by the fourth year? On the show, you could tell that when I went in front of the live audience, people knew who I was. In the beginning, it was – everyone liked Mike McDonald and all these people.
Yeah, I love Mike. But I love him too.
He's a very good friend. But the fourth and fifth year is when you could tell that the fans started to like me so that I could go, I want to do Johnny Gunn.
And they would say yes. All right.
You know what I mean? I go, but can you – you know what I mean? Not do the teeth thing. No, I'm doing the teeth thing.
You put all that stuff in there. You said I wanted to have the comb over.
I want the teeth. Oh, everything.
That was all you. I would spend like six hours beforehand getting the big head.
Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It looks good though. But I like, that was fun.
Should we do something like that now? What do you mean? Should we like recreate characters like that now? Yeah, like you do an absurd. Yeah, well, I do what every redheaded guy was forever and still is.
It's like a dork, pimple-faced nerd. Let's get the makeup.
That's what I'm saying. Do you want to do that and play that? Yeah, let's do it, yeah.
That'll be like our. I want to come up with a dual character.
I would love that. Let's do a movie of us, me and you doing characters.
Yeah, yeah. Not a movie.
Let's do it next Bad Friends. Done.
We'll get the costumes. So we're going to do our our characters for the next show and then we'll also have stand-up featured by andres andres it's gonna be a great show andres it's gonna be a great show this is this was already a fun show thanks for everybody sending in all those coronavirus fighters are we done now uh we don't have to be but yeah let's go but we both but i need to catch a plane to go to chicago what do we have time should I be scared? You know I'm going to go to Denver So don't get it I'm going to go to Chicago This weekend we won't get it Do everything you can't Look at his nose Are you blowing your nose Andres? What's in take it out what did you put in your pocket

what did you take out

he just fucking wiped

his boogers

are you sick right now Andreas

Andreas are you sick

no

he's sick

no honestly

are you sick

or you have allergies

I have allergies

that's it

it's the last episode

of Bad Friends

yeah yeah

alright look in the camera

and say it

thank you for being

thank you for watching

that works Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, look in the camera and say it.
Thank you for being our...

That works.