I Love Titanic and I Love to Bowl

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Speaker 2 You were taking iPhone pictures while your dad was dead?

Speaker 3 My mom wanted it.

Speaker 2 Dude, Korean people are so fucking weird.

Speaker 3 That's so weird.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 3 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 I'm an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You guys are weird. Andrew.

Speaker 2 Have you seen a Korean guy around here?

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting. You guys are nuts.

Speaker 2 You guys are sick.

Speaker 2 You two are wholesome and decent.

Speaker 3 Oh, Oh, good. You two are back together.

Speaker 1 You guys are freaks.

Speaker 1 You are a bad friend.

Speaker 2 You two are dangerous when you coordinate. You guys are gross.

Speaker 3 You two or something.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 3 Well, I was thinking, I was meditating. You know, I meditate every night.

Speaker 2 You meditate every single night, I know.

Speaker 3 Yeah, so in my meditations last night,

Speaker 3 I thought to myself, Bobby Lee has no social cause. I want to be a social warrior, you know, because on the internet and on the Graham, I want to influence what what do you mean what you

Speaker 3 what social cause what social cause do you want well you know joaquin has the like you know the cows you know i mean the milky tits you know the whatever you know what i mean like he wants to save them i don't know what he's exactly he's saying we shouldn't drink milk anymore yeah whatever right so he and he's adamant about it he's adamant about it he's adamant adamant about it He's agony about it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 What's the word? He's adamant. Adamant about it.
He's adamant about it.

Speaker 2 But he's adamant about it because he actually cares. He didn't just.

Speaker 3 That's why I want to care about something. I don't know why I don't care about shit.

Speaker 2 But if you cared, it would already happen. You'd already care.

Speaker 3 I know, but I want to force myself to care because I feel like I want to check a mark.

Speaker 2 Okay, what's a social issue that you think you want to have as your new social issue to care about?

Speaker 2 Let's do it today.

Speaker 3 Well, it makes me sad that, like, but not really.

Speaker 2 No, you're not sad at all.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but like, you know, the dolphins

Speaker 3 and the turtles with the straws in their mouth.

Speaker 2 What's going on with the dolphins?

Speaker 3 I don't know how they're getting straws in their mouth.

Speaker 2 Dolphins are getting straws in their nose.

Speaker 3 Did you feel cocaine or something?

Speaker 2 No, there's no cocaine dolphins.

Speaker 2 What do you want?

Speaker 2 What do you think you want to save? What's important to you?

Speaker 2 What do you think matters the most?

Speaker 3 For me personally,

Speaker 3 the things that I think that matter, like, people don't.

Speaker 3 It's not a thing.

Speaker 3 It's not a thing that people are going to be like, we're going to stand behind. What is it?

Speaker 3 I don't even know. That's the thing.

Speaker 3 I literally have no

Speaker 2 there's no thing care about anything homeless people

Speaker 2 health care

Speaker 2 i guess kids

Speaker 3 kids what the aids kids aids kids oh you care about aids kids you know you know what i care about is the kids that are like starving in yemen can you help them no you don't want to help them no i want to but it's a it's a war-stricken area and i can't get in there okay let's skip over then the war kids from the southwest they don't fly there

Speaker 3 they don't no they don't they're not gonna go to yemen No, but so I'm trying to cause, I'm trying to have social justices.

Speaker 2 All right, well, why don't you ask the fans to I have one though?

Speaker 3 What? But it's my own personal social justice about my own life.

Speaker 2 What is it?

Speaker 3 Well, what it is, is this, is that,

Speaker 3 so my brother and I were having

Speaker 3 Korean barbecues the other night. Not surprised.

Speaker 2 Did you go to Parks Finest?

Speaker 3 Parks Finest is a,

Speaker 3 yeah, we did. We went to Parks Finest.
Well, there's the parks that I went to.

Speaker 2 Not Parks Downtown. Not the Parks Downtown.
The one in Echo Park that you and I went to.

Speaker 3 But that's a Filipino barbecue place. Filipino/slash Korean.

Speaker 2 There's Korean food there too, right? No. No?

Speaker 3 That's racist.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 3 Because it's like saying, like, you know, I went to an Italian restaurant. Do you go to Taco Bell?

Speaker 2 No, that's Mexican food.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's two different things: Filipino food and fucking Korean food.

Speaker 2 No, what I said was basically going, hey, I had Mexican last night, and then you said, Did you have Taco Bell? And I said, That's racist. I went to El Pollo Loco.
That's what that's saying.

Speaker 3 That's not what it is. Because the Philippines.

Speaker 2 Asian food is Asian food.

Speaker 3 That's not true.

Speaker 2 Yes, it is.

Speaker 2 I have to Google it, but Asian food all has the same ingredients, right? I had Thai last night. They have noodles and rice and meats and curries.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I went to an Italian restaurant. They had noodles and rice there.
No, we don't have rice.

Speaker 2 Polenta. They don't have rice.
Polenta? Polenta's not Italian, first of all.

Speaker 2 It's not. No.
Oh. He knows Polenta, don't you?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you know Polententa.

Speaker 2 He's Mexican.

Speaker 2 We have another minority. For the fans at home, two minorities in the room.
So in case anybody's checking the social justice meter,

Speaker 2 two for four.

Speaker 3 No, because I honestly think that it would help if I was like a comedian that had something to like.

Speaker 2 That's not who you are. Name a famous comedian that has a thing that

Speaker 2 you're like, damn, I wish I was like them, that they have a movement.

Speaker 3 Like that Australian lady, the lesbian lady with the glasses.

Speaker 2 Hannah Gadsby? Yeah. What's her thing?

Speaker 3 She's lesbian and she was going to quit.

Speaker 2 She's lesbian. That's her thing.
So you think she was meditating one day and she was like, I'm going to be lesbian.

Speaker 3 I don't know what you're doing and I don't know what you're trying to do right now.

Speaker 2 I just, I'm trying to help you find yourself.

Speaker 3 You know, you don't, I was talking to Khalil today.

Speaker 3 Every time you call me,

Speaker 3 I have a good day. Every time you call me about anything, right? It ruins my day.

Speaker 3 It puts me in a bed. My neck starts hurting and I start getting spasms in my fucking frontal.

Speaker 2 I won't call you anymore.

Speaker 3 But just be nice about it.

Speaker 2 Okay, how would you like the phone call to go?

Speaker 3 I can't fucking believe believe what you did.

Speaker 3 You fucking did that.

Speaker 3 And I'm like, what? And you say whatever you do.

Speaker 2 Because you fuck up stuff all the time.

Speaker 3 But there's a nice way to fucking do it. Anyway,

Speaker 3 I have a social thing.

Speaker 3 What is it?

Speaker 2 Talk about.

Speaker 2 What's your social thing?

Speaker 3 Well, my brother and I were having parks on Vermont. God, not the Filipino place that I took you to for my

Speaker 3 You're a fucking racist.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not. It was good food either way.

Speaker 3 It was very good.

Speaker 2 I go that's why I go there, but anyway, um um because of kalila

Speaker 3 my brother was like dude they're really fucking you on that on what i'm gonna get into it

Speaker 2 i know i'm sorry go ahead yeah god dude they're really fucking you on that i go what and he goes

Speaker 3 powwe high school did

Speaker 3 hall of fame you're not on it You're not on it. Right.
So I went to high school at Powe High School. Yeah, Powell.
I graduated in 1990. 90?

Speaker 2 Yeah, 1990. Damn, I wasn't even born yet.

Speaker 2 I know. I was born in 1999.
But you know what?

Speaker 3 I was.

Speaker 2 In 1990, Brian Callum was 49 years old.

Speaker 2 Poway High School. Yeah.
Let's see who Call of Call of Call of Calling.

Speaker 3 I literally thought that Joe Biden was

Speaker 3 Brian Callum for like six months.

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding you. Shut up.

Speaker 3 Every time I see Joe Biden, I go, Callum's killing it.

Speaker 2 Powwe High School. Let's see the notable alumni.

Speaker 3 So, yeah, that's what I'm saying. So then we went.
No, not the... No, don't go there because I'm on that.
I'm on the Wikipedia.

Speaker 2 Comedian on Mad TV.

Speaker 3 Yeah, there you go. I'm on that.
But go to Powey High School's Hall of Fame. They're Hall of Fame.

Speaker 2 But I want to look up some of the people that are on here before we go to the... No, no, no.

Speaker 3 Go to the one because the other one is...

Speaker 2 Hold on. Let's see some of these names.

Speaker 2 Aubrey Battle, former American football defensive lineman. Okay.

Speaker 3 Killing it. Judd Buechler.

Speaker 2 Look at Judd. Look at those pits.

Speaker 3 Look at those pits, dude.

Speaker 2 Nice pits. Went to Zona.

Speaker 2 Kelly Cash, American musician, beauty pageant title holder. Yeah, but there's other cool ones.
Oh, Tom DeLong from Blink 182. Exactly.
Oh, he's the the most famous from your school for sure.

Speaker 2 Boy, without a doubt, you're not even close to Tom DeLong. Tony Gwynn.
Oh, dude, he's more famous than you, too. Wow.
Oh, dude, Alex Dickerson. Look at all these guys that are more famous than you.

Speaker 3 That's not.

Speaker 2 Whoa, Hector Maldonado?

Speaker 2 Dude, there's some legit people that went to your school.

Speaker 3 Exactly, right? Wow. Yeah, Stephanie Seymour, model.
Remember, she had a baby with Axel Rose?

Speaker 2 She did. They have a kid that's.

Speaker 3 Yeah, right. Okay.
So. Whoa.

Speaker 2 So, dude, even Brian Rass, the professional poker player, everybody knows Rasty.

Speaker 3 You don't know him?

Speaker 3 Whatever you're doing is not going to work.

Speaker 2 You don't know him? They call him Nasty Rass.

Speaker 3 Nasty Rasty.

Speaker 2 No, no, that's a real thing. Nasty Rass.
He's like one of the top poker players in the world. I love him.
He's incredible.

Speaker 3 That's fine. Now go to the fucking Poway High School alumni site.

Speaker 2 They go fast dash by nasty rass. CD takes the pot home.
He gets him out. Go to the fucking site.

Speaker 3 Go to what?

Speaker 2 Powwe High?

Speaker 3 Yeah, Powwe High. No, it says Powell High Alumni.
Go Powwe High Hall of Fame.

Speaker 2 Google that. Powwehai Hall of Fame.
A Hall of Fame? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Powwe High School Hall of Fame. Powwehai Alumni Association.
There we go.

Speaker 3 That's it.

Speaker 2 Oh, three new names got entered, by the way. Right.
Look at this. Hold on one second.
Let me see this. It says three new names just got entered into the Powweha Hall of Fame.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 3 There's a red carpet there, too. Oh, that's a thing, right?

Speaker 2 They pay for red carpets. So the Hall of Fame inductee, Sean Tom Murray, class of 79.
Nice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, an Air Force guy. I get that.
Okay. And then another guy, and you're not in the Hall of Fame, is that?

Speaker 3 Just go to the fucking thing, man. How many times do I have to tell you? Right there, the first one.

Speaker 2 I don't need the, I don't need that. Go down.
Scroll down. I don't need all that blood.

Speaker 3 Okay, here we go. Now, these are the names.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay. Wow.

Speaker 3 Okay, so

Speaker 3 now you now

Speaker 3 let's make an argument.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 3 Do you think that they're more famous than me?

Speaker 2 Well, your class isn't even in here.

Speaker 3 1990. I know.
No one, because no one in my class got into it well what they're saying is is that

Speaker 2 yeah you're not famous enough to be in this and i will say that that's true because look at tina guo she just got in from a class of 04 yeah everybody knows t

Speaker 2 you don't know t dog

Speaker 2 tina go is internationally renowned cellist being honored for accomplishments in the arts grammy nominee partner with bentley motors and the rich carlton classical electrical cellist Dude, she's heard on hundreds of soundtracks.

Speaker 3 All right, go back. Hundreds.

Speaker 2 Go back.

Speaker 3 Click on some, man.

Speaker 2 Actually,

Speaker 2 I'd like to see. How famous is Tina Guo, by the way?

Speaker 2 Tina Guo is how famous. Do you really think? How many plays do you think she has on Spotify and her most famous song? This will kind of dictate whether or not she's actually that famous.

Speaker 3 Okay, but I want Tina.

Speaker 2 Hold on.

Speaker 3 You're supposed to be on my side, dude. I am on your side.
You're like on that fucking board.

Speaker 2 There's no way I'm on that board. This week we have a meeting.

Speaker 2 Tina Guo. Oh, here you go.
Look. Whoa.
Yeah. Every month she has 223,000 listeners.
Her most famous song, she did the Wonder Woman theme.

Speaker 3 And she deserves to be on it. That's fucking fine.
But look at the other names.

Speaker 2 I think some of these people might be.

Speaker 3 No, because they're choosing people based on a Christian ethic.

Speaker 2 Right. Right.
Oh, because you're not Christian anymore.

Speaker 3 No, because I'm a filth.

Speaker 3 I'm a filthmonger with no cause.

Speaker 2 Is Powwe High a Christian high school? No.

Speaker 2 So why are you putting that right now?

Speaker 3 What I'm asking Bad Friends fans to do is go to the Powwe High School.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's do it.

Speaker 3 Hall of Fame site, right?

Speaker 2 Here, everyone, we're going to put this in.

Speaker 3 And then I want you to submit my name.

Speaker 2 So here you go, guys. We want you to go to Powwe High School's website, really easy to find.
It's Powwe USD. And why don't you

Speaker 3 just go to the Powwe Hall of Fame thing?

Speaker 2 Okay, go to PowerPoint. Go there.
Go to Powell.

Speaker 3 The one that you were just at.

Speaker 3 Can we get another computer guide? This guy.

Speaker 2 Powwe High Hall of Fame organization.

Speaker 3 Yeah, organization.

Speaker 2 so all you need to do to get bobby into the hall of fame is go ahead and go down scroll down contact no scroll no it's right down there it's right see it says have a question no go down a little bit see down there nominate a candidate nominate a candidate so guys everyone go here and go nominate a candidate online we're gonna do it right now live on the show yeah yeah yeah sorry this form is no longer accepting submissions look at that they're full the hall of fame is full damn that sucks do you know why because you have been doing it in 19 other podcasts why do you even care about powweh so much anyway i didn't care until my brother said that i should care.

Speaker 2 You shouldn't care.

Speaker 3 All right, well, then I'm going to let it go.

Speaker 2 Because there's nothing about Powell. Oh my God, one of the most prestigious high schools in the world.
Anybody who's anybody is a Hall of Famer here.

Speaker 2 Well, like it says it on the website.

Speaker 3 You know what it is, dude? I'll tell you what it is.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 3 You know, you're not an ally. Yes, I am.
No, you're not. Yes, I am.
You're like, I'm Japan. I'm Emperor Hiorito, and you're Mussolini, bro.

Speaker 2 You're not, first of all, you're not Japan. You're not Japan.
I'm 10.

Speaker 3 Ask George. I'm 10% Japanese.
I did that fucking 24 in me. That's 23.

Speaker 2 You do. You might have an extra gene, but it is 23.
I did 23 in me.

Speaker 3 Yeah, you might have one. I did 23 in me.

Speaker 2 Okay, and you're

Speaker 3 Japan.

Speaker 3 I'm 10% Japanese.

Speaker 2 You're tempora Japanese. You're tempora percent Japanese.
Yeah. You're tempora percent.
Yeah. I want to say this.
What? You deserve to be in the hall of fame, and you know I mean that. I genuinely do.

Speaker 2 I also want to say I apologize to David Attenborough because on last week's episode, we said that he was dead and he's alive.

Speaker 2 So I apologize to David Attenborough and all of his friends and family because I thought he was dead. I'm sorry about that.

Speaker 3 Did really people complain?

Speaker 2 David Attenborough's estate reached out to us and threatened to sue us if we didn't take it down.

Speaker 2 I swear to God. You swear to God? They sent us a cease and desist and said, David is alive.
If you keep putting out this stuff, we will see you in court.

Speaker 3 Oh, well, he's definitely alive.

Speaker 2 We love him. Yeah, we love him.

Speaker 3 He just looks dead.

Speaker 2 Here's what I'd like to do.

Speaker 2 We got a dead dad excuse. We got a Facebook user, Justin Morris, who

Speaker 2 Santino has to guess how many times Bobby used his dead dad as an excuse

Speaker 2 just this week, and we have to guess the reasons. How many times have you used your dead dad as an excuse to get out of things?

Speaker 2 I would say you've gotten out of two podcasts by using your dead dad as an excuse

Speaker 2 this past week.

Speaker 3 I use my dead dad for a lot of things, yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you get out of podcasts this week by saying dead dad stuff?

Speaker 3 I get it out of a lot of things.

Speaker 2 Okay, so

Speaker 2 one for one. I would also think you got out of having sex with Kali or doing something sexual with Kalila, but and you quoted dead dad stuff.
Yeah. Okay, perfect.
Two for two.

Speaker 2 There's got to be one more somewhere in there. I think you got out of a, I think you got out of doing a set or doing a dinner with somebody, either stand-up or dinner because of Dead Dad.

Speaker 2 You said use Dead Dad as an excuse. Did you?

Speaker 3 Kalila just

Speaker 3 texted me. What did you say high school website just broke from all the submissions?

Speaker 2 That's fantastic.

Speaker 3 That's all I wanted.

Speaker 2 That's all I wanted.

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Speaker 3 Oh, I want to say to Powell High School, my dad died.

Speaker 3 My dad died.

Speaker 2 Put me in. Yeah, his dad is dad, guys.
Why don't you put him in the thing?

Speaker 3 You know, it's funny. Put him in the thing.
Is your dad alive?

Speaker 2 I have two dads.

Speaker 2 I have two dads. Yeah.
I have two dads.

Speaker 3 Would you consider Buff Eyes your dad?

Speaker 2 Who?

Speaker 3 Buff Eyes. Who's Buff Eyes?

Speaker 2 Rogan.

Speaker 2 You think he's my dad? Yeah. Is he my dad?

Speaker 3 You get like a little like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 You look at him like your dad, kind of.

Speaker 2 Why don't you like Rogan?

Speaker 2 I love him. Hmm.

Speaker 3 Interesting.

Speaker 3 It's so funny what you're doing right now because obviously I love him.

Speaker 2 Well, you called him my dad, my daddy. Like, oh, I am pressing.
Like, you don't like him. You love him.

Speaker 3 I love Rogan, but I'm intimidated by him.

Speaker 2 Every time he comes to the store, do you get nervous?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 3 it was three weeks ago. His wife was there.
I love her. Yeah, she's cool.
And she noticed the shoes I was wearing, which I really liked.

Speaker 3 And then Rogan pulled me aside, and he goes, how come you get so scared around me?

Speaker 2 It's a legitimate question.

Speaker 3 And I go, I'm not scared. I go, because what you white people don't fucking understand is that

Speaker 3 don't don't ever look like that again, man

Speaker 3 You

Speaker 3 kind of did like

Speaker 3 Joe George.

Speaker 2 Oh, George that made a face he did like a little squinty like confused kind of like huh George did the you know what it is? He's got that

Speaker 2 Hitler youth Hitler youth in him.

Speaker 3 He is not having it

Speaker 2 He's getting a little cocky.

Speaker 3 Not cocky. There's something he's going like megalomaniac ego crazy.
You know he got engaged.

Speaker 2 Did you congratulate him?

Speaker 3 Anyone, any white dude can go to China or whatever and get a wife.

Speaker 3 Did you see her? The Ching Chong?

Speaker 2 She's not Chinese, is she?

Speaker 2 No, she's not. She's not Chinese.
What is she? What is she, dude? Korean. Okay.
Oh, is she really? My mom. One after your heart.

Speaker 3 My dad died, and he just

Speaker 2 fucking my mom. He's fucking your mom.

Speaker 2 I want to do something real fast because everybody loved it. When we did a little scene reading, and I'd like to do a scene reading right now.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I don't know what movie it is.

Speaker 2 You'll figure it out almost right away.

Speaker 2 I want you to put on this,

Speaker 2 if you could.

Speaker 2 And I'll put on one of these things. So we're going to be doing a little classic scene reading.
And

Speaker 2 I'll put on, you have to put on that. You put on one of those around your neck as well.
I'm going to be doing a little classic scene reading here for Bob.

Speaker 2 This is one of his favorite movies. He said this.

Speaker 2 So we have to abide by what Bob likes and wants.

Speaker 2 Oh, I forgot I have to take my headphones off.

Speaker 2 But we're trying to get dressed here.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 let Andres do the direction. That would be great.

Speaker 2 All right, give me those scripts are right there. What are the beads for?

Speaker 2 What do you mean, what are the beads for?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you got to put them on. Okay.
Okay, put them on.

Speaker 2 Are you going to put back on your headphones or no? Yeah, I am. You don't have to if you don't want to.

Speaker 2 Give me a script and give him a script. This is something that the fans really wanted, and also something that you love.

Speaker 2 What is that? All right, so you're going to be the role of Rose, and Andres is going to read some of the scene direction. Okay, go ahead, Andres.

Speaker 3 What movie is this?

Speaker 2 You'll figure it out almost right away. Is it the notebook? It would be almost impossible for you to not figure it out.
Is it the notebook? Nope, but you'll just figure it out almost right away.

Speaker 2 You're close. Okay, so.
Guys, ready?

Speaker 3 Interior Rose Suite.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 6 1912. Like in a dream.
The beautiful ward work.

Speaker 2 What the work.

Speaker 2 First of all, Andres, because before, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Speaker 3 Just project a little bit more. You have to project a little bit more because

Speaker 3 you're acting as if you're the director or whatever. Is that table read?

Speaker 2 You know, he went to they went to film school today. I know they did.
Sorry, project a little bit more, right?

Speaker 3 Slow it down a bit. Okay.
Let's start from the top. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Okay. Here we go.
Interior. Hold on one second.
My phone's ringing. Hold on.
Okay, go ahead. It's Rogan.
I'm not going to ask Roger. Yeah, answer it, answer it.
Yeah? Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, he won't want to be on the show. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay, hold on. Well, let's start from scratch.
Here we go. Let's start from scratch.
Go ahead. Okay.

Speaker 3 Interior rose suite.

Speaker 6 Like in a dream, the beautiful wardwork and satin upholstery emerge from the rusted ruin.

Speaker 6 Jack is overwhelmed by the opulence of the room.

Speaker 6 He sets his sketchbook and drawing materials in the marble table.

Speaker 3 Will this lie too?

Speaker 3 Don't artist need good light?

Speaker 2 That is true. I am not used to working in such variable conditions.

Speaker 2 Hey, Monet!

Speaker 6 He crouches next to the painting, stuck against the wall.

Speaker 2 Isn't it great? The use of color? I saw him once through a hole in this garden fence in Givineri.

Speaker 6 She goes into the adjacent walk-in wardrobe closet.

Speaker 2 He sees her

Speaker 6 He sees her go to the safe and starts working the combination. He's fascinated.

Speaker 3 Callis insists on lugging this thing

Speaker 3 everywhere.

Speaker 2 Should I be expecting him any time soon?

Speaker 3 Not as long as the cigars and brandy hold out.

Speaker 2 Clunk.

Speaker 6 She unlocks the safe.

Speaker 6 Glancing up, she met his eyes in the mirror behind the safe. She opens it and removes the necklace, then holds it out to Jack, who takes it nervously.

Speaker 2 You hold it to me, give it to me.

Speaker 2 What is it?

Speaker 2 What is it? Is it a sapphire?

Speaker 2 What is it? What is it?

Speaker 2 Is it.

Speaker 2 What is it? Is it a sapphire? A diamond.

Speaker 3 A very rare diamond called the heart of the ocean.

Speaker 6 Sack gazes at the wealth beyond his

Speaker 2 comprehension.

Speaker 3 I want you to draw me like your friend's crew.

Speaker 2 Where is this?

Speaker 2 Where are we going?

Speaker 6 He looks at her, surprise. And then we cut to

Speaker 2 interior bedroom.

Speaker 6 Jack is laying on his pencils like surgical tools. His sketchbook is open and ready.
He looks at us. She comes into the room wearing a silk kimono.

Speaker 3 The last thing I need is another picture of me looking like a China doll.

Speaker 3 As a paying customer, I expect to get what I want.

Speaker 6 She hands him a dime and steps back, parting the kimono. The blue stone lies on her creamy breasts.
Her heart is is pounding as she slowly lowers the rope.

Speaker 6 Jack looks so striking, it is almost comical. The kimono drops to the floor.

Speaker 3 Tell me when it looks right to you.

Speaker 6 She poses on the divan, sitting like a cat into the position we remember from the drawing, almost.

Speaker 2 Just bend your left leg and a little and lower your left head. Eyes to me.
That's it.

Speaker 6 Jack starts to sketch. He drops his pencil and she stifles a laugh.

Speaker 3 I believe you're blushing, Mr. Big Artiste.
I can't imagine Monjer Monnier blushing.

Speaker 2 He does landscapes.

Speaker 6 Tied on Jack as he sighs can up to look at her over the top edge of the sketch pad.

Speaker 2 We want him to finish.

Speaker 2 Finish it!

Speaker 6 We have seen this image of him before in her memory. It is an image she will carry the rest of her life.
Push slowly

Speaker 6 on Rose's face.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 I don't know what movie is it.

Speaker 2 You still don't know what movie it is? I don't know what movie it is. How can you not know? What movie is it? Jack, Rose,

Speaker 2 Draw Me like One of Your French Girls.

Speaker 3 I've never seen it. What movie is it? Titanic.
I've never seen it.

Speaker 2 You've never seen the movie Titanic? No. How have you never seen the movie Titanic?

Speaker 3 I don't like boat movies.

Speaker 2 It's not a boat movie. It's a boat movie.
But you know what I mean? It's fucking, it's it's a great film. It's a beautiful film.

Speaker 3 I don't know what it is. I think

Speaker 3 Leonardo DiCaprio is in it. I know that James Cameron directed it.

Speaker 2 How have you never seen Titanic?

Speaker 3 It's the same reason why I haven't seen Beauty and the Beast. I refuse.

Speaker 2 The Disney movie? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Beauty and the Beast? Whatever the.

Speaker 2 The new one or the old one? Either one. Why? What are those? Those things have nothing to do with one another.

Speaker 3 Yeah, they're like classics that people like.

Speaker 2 One of them is an animated Disney movie.

Speaker 3 I like Mean Street. Scorsese's fucking first second movie.
Okay, you know, I like you know Apocalypse Now gritty shit.

Speaker 2 Okay, both illumines are over 30 years

Speaker 2 the whole time. You don't like that? No.
How can you not like that?

Speaker 3 It's just not my fucking thing, dude.

Speaker 2 It's a beautiful love story.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 It's a beautiful love story. It's not my fucking thing.

Speaker 2 It's a beautiful love story.

Speaker 2 You don't fucking believe that. I love the Titanic.
When you like it. I love the Titanic.
No, you don't. Yes, I do.

Speaker 3 What do you like about it?

Speaker 2 I I like when the boat sinks. That's my favorite part.
Yeah. When everybody dies is the coolest thing in the world.
You see guys ping-pong off the

Speaker 2 all the way down. Yeah, yeah.
You don't like that? Yeah. You don't like to watch death scenes?

Speaker 3 Yeah, maybe the ending part, I'd probably watch that part.

Speaker 3 It's a phenomenal. You know why I didn't like it? I didn't want to watch it because I remember chicks going, oh, we love it.
And then it's like...

Speaker 2 You remembered women liking it and so that's

Speaker 3 like because people liked um women liked fried green tomatoes too.

Speaker 2 You didn't like that movie either?

Speaker 3 So I'm like, so I saw saw fried green tomatoes, and I'm like, ah, it's not for me. I don't like vegetables, and I don't like women walking around talking about things like that.

Speaker 2 Is that what you think the movie's about? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just vegetables and women?

Speaker 3 Oh, and here's another thing that I'll now I will never watch it because I got shushed by somebody on that fucking sh movie. What?

Speaker 3 So I did Pauly Shore's movie last summer. What was it called?

Speaker 2 I don't remember. You don't remember the movie you did last summer?

Speaker 3 He goes, dude, do my movie, did?

Speaker 3 And I showed up and I just did it.

Speaker 2 So you don't remember it all? No. Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 3 I mean, I remember doing it because I have a story about it.

Speaker 2 All right, tell what I'm saying. Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 3 So I show up and, you know, some girl's like, you want to go to the set?

Speaker 3 Like, I'm like, fine. So we're just talking.
And then we're just talking, looking at each other, walking and talking.

Speaker 3 This lady that's bringing me to the set, but she walked me into the set while they were shooting.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Like, walked you on in the middle of the shooting.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's got a take. They were doing a take.
But I didn't know that. I was just following this girl.

Speaker 2 So you got in trouble?

Speaker 3 No, and then Billy Zayn,

Speaker 3 he's in it, right? Titanic?

Speaker 2 Billy Zane is in it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 You know what he said? Billy Zane's in the Pauly movie.

Speaker 2 What's a movie? I want to know what movie this is.

Speaker 3 So then Billy Zane goes like this. He turns to me and he goes like this.
Shh!

Speaker 3 To me.

Speaker 3 And then I then, you know, I got rage-eyed. Yeah.
Like, bitch, don't fucking shush me, bitch.

Speaker 2 Bitch, don't fucking shush me, bitch.

Speaker 3 But then I just thought to myself, I was going to, it was on my checklist to watch Titanic, but now no more.

Speaker 2 The guest house? Is that what it's called? Yeah, I'm in that.

Speaker 2 What's your name?

Speaker 3 I don't remember, dude.

Speaker 2 Guesthouse is a newly engaged couple finds the home of their dreams, and it quickly becomes a nightmare when the previous owner's friend continues squatting in their guest house.

Speaker 2 It leads to a turf war. Bobby Lee was in this.
Billy Zane, Charlotte McKinney, Amy T. Garden, Paulie Shore, Bobby Lee, you played Benny.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I played Benny.

Speaker 2 Your character was Benny. Can you name any lines from that?

Speaker 3 No, I don't remember even doing it. I don't remember the scenes.
I remember I got naked at one point.

Speaker 2 No shit.

Speaker 3 No, I'll tell you how it happened.

Speaker 3 Can I tell you what?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can tell me whatever.

Speaker 3 So there was a scene where Paulie's in this bungalow and he's just kind of like, his character is just kind of just walking around.

Speaker 2 Is he the guy that's squatting? He lives.

Speaker 3 He's the squatter.

Speaker 2 And whose house was it? Billy Zane's house, obviously.

Speaker 3 I don't fucking know, but...

Speaker 3 What happened was

Speaker 3 there was a scene where he just sit on this hammock and read a book and you're you're just going to be in the background. I think it'd be funny.
Okay.

Speaker 3 And I just say it'd be funnier if I was just completely naked for no fucking reason.

Speaker 2 I do. I totally agree.
That's the go-to.

Speaker 3 So I just did that.

Speaker 2 So you got butt naked in the back of the scene. Yeah.
No explanation. There's no lead-in to it.
No one talks about it.

Speaker 3 He just walks into his place and he's just like talking to somebody. I'm just in the background, swinging on this little hammock.

Speaker 2 With your little dick out?

Speaker 3 No, I crossed my legs.

Speaker 2 Would you tuck it?

Speaker 3 I can tuck my dick.

Speaker 2 Would you cross your legs? I could tuck it right now.

Speaker 2 Do it.

Speaker 2 Oh, God, that chair.

Speaker 2 Oh, look at that mangina. Hold on.
Let me get that. Get a little photo.

Speaker 2 There we go.

Speaker 3 Perfect.

Speaker 2 You have like a fupa. You know what that looks like? Stand up for a second.

Speaker 2 That looks like you have a pussy. Stand up.
Stand up for a second. Isn't that look like he has a pussy? Because it's like thick right there, that little bump.
That's so good. Do we have a marker?

Speaker 2 Can we sharpie like a clit? Yeah. I want to sharpie draw like a little clit.

Speaker 2 Oh my god. Wait a minute.
Let me get close. Here, come here.
It kind of looks like you have like if I just hold on one second. If I just

Speaker 2 I'm gonna send that and be like, look at this babe sent me her pussy, bro.

Speaker 2 Send it to the Leah. Whoa, look at that.
Look at that. Looks like a pussy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's look, the stomach looks bad, though. No, but I'll just go.

Speaker 2 Just this heavy girl is sending everybody DMs of her naked. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can we draw a little clit on you? Let's draw a little tiny clit.

Speaker 2 All right, here we go. Let's draw a little clit right here.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 there's your, and then you're kind of lippy. You seem like

Speaker 2 you have big lips. Look at that.
You have big puss lips.

Speaker 3 Hey, take a photo.

Speaker 2 You look good. That looks really good.

Speaker 3 Let me squit in my stomach a little bit.

Speaker 2 Hold on one second. You're going to suck in your stomach? Yeah.
One, two, three.

Speaker 2 Let me lose it. Look at that.

Speaker 2 You have a cute little puss puss.

Speaker 3 Looks like Oprah's pussy.

Speaker 2 You have a half-innie, half-outie.

Speaker 2 All right. No, no, no, I just noticed that.
It's either an imminent outie or it could be a butthole with a hemorrhoid.

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 2 That looks like it's either a button or a belly button.

Speaker 3 Don't zoom in on that, man. But your belly button.

Speaker 2 It's not that big of a deal. There's way worse stuff than your fucking belly, but you showed me

Speaker 2 your clit, your football.

Speaker 3 I just forgot why I just did that. Why? I don't know why.
What prompted me to just do that again?

Speaker 2 With you, it's anything. I I think you said that you could.
I think you said that you could tuck your dick.

Speaker 3 Oh, that's what it was. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And there's a pube now on your mic. Look at your mic.
It has a pube on it on the other side.

Speaker 3 Oh, yeah, yeah. That's not a, that's, no, this is from the wig.

Speaker 2 Oh. That's from the wig.
I was going to say it was red. I thought that was mine.

Speaker 3 I didn't know.

Speaker 2 I think it's a phenomenal movie. I mean, look at, let's, let's, like, uh...
Did I just say something to you? Yeah.

Speaker 3 I've seen it.

Speaker 2 I knew.

Speaker 3 What did you think about it, though? I liked it. I've seen it like 10 times.

Speaker 2 What do you think the rating is for Titanic?

Speaker 2 What would be the rating?

Speaker 2 seven out of ten can you believe that seven point eight out of ten that nine hundred thousand people rate it it's a fucking phenomenal movie but it's not a masterpiece it's not like absolutely is a masterpiece it's okay you know what a masterpiece is is like the hidden fortress

Speaker 3 you know it's a kurosawa film i'll tell you why that's more important than titanic even though titanic made more money is that the hidden fortress influenced star wars you know like in in the hidden fortress in the beginning of the movie they have an an R2D2C3PO, but they're samurais.

Speaker 3 But it's the same kind of like, okay. You know what I mean? And

Speaker 3 the way it shot, like, the panning when you see the scenes.

Speaker 3 Lucas took that from the Curacao film, The Hidden Fortress. My point is: that

Speaker 3 Titanic isn't an influential movie in terms of wow, what?

Speaker 2 Look at all of these fucking awards.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Best original music screenplay, best picture, best director, best. Holy fuck.
When does it end?

Speaker 2 When does it end? When does it end?

Speaker 3 Dopey white dudes like you, look at me right now.

Speaker 3 Look at me right now because you're, I, you know how I know you're a dopey jock, dude? You know how to bowl.

Speaker 2 I love bowling.

Speaker 3 I know, but when we bowled and I saw your technique,

Speaker 3 you actually cared and you actually practiced. Your form, the way you whipped the spin the ball.
Yeah, and you did a thing and you turned around and you did like a,

Speaker 3 you know what I mean? And I was just kind of, you're a fucking asshole for even doing that. Yeah.
Because that means you spent time as a kid.

Speaker 3 I remember, I could imagine you as a kid with a coconut or something. A little coconut in the backyard of your little Chicago Irish fucking, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, there's always coconuts laying around Chicago.

Speaker 2 Yeah, go ahead. Coconut tree.

Speaker 3 Yeah, whatever you use.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
Yeah. And you're like.
You could have said a potato. I used a potato.
I put three holes in a potato. I bowled with it, then I fucked with it.
Do I need to write your jokes for you?

Speaker 2 Okay, so what? I'm bowling a fucking. I'm going to go there.
Yeah, because you know what? You're mocking me in my like for bowling.

Speaker 3 No, I'm not mocking you. I'm just telling you what kind of guy you are.
And I'm because you're so adamant about defending fucking Titanic.

Speaker 2 Because it's a great movie.

Speaker 3 And you love to bowl.

Speaker 2 And I love to bowl.

Speaker 3 Guess what? That's who you are.

Speaker 2 I love Titanic and I love to bowl. Hi, I'm Andrew Santino.
Welcome. You're Bobby Lee.
You like Kurosawa and making your dick look like a clit.

Speaker 2 That's who you are. This is why it's working.
Okay?

Speaker 2 Are we fine? Don't make fun of Titanic or bowling anymore.

Speaker 3 You're going to be a terrible father. That got serious.

Speaker 2 That got serious for a time.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be a good pup. I'm going to a good pup-pup.

Speaker 2 My nickname is going to be... I don't like daddy.
I don't like when girls say when they call their father daddy. I think it's gross.
I'm going to be called pup-pup or peps.

Speaker 3 Did you see the documentary

Speaker 3 trials of Gabriel Fernandez yet?

Speaker 2 I don't think I can watch it. Why? Because did they beat the shit out of that kid?

Speaker 2 They torture him. They feed him cat food, which is normal for you guys, but they do all that stuff.

Speaker 3 They didn't feed him cat food. They fed him cat litter with pee on it.

Speaker 2 So it's the woman and it's her son and it's her boyfriend and they just torture him. Why?

Speaker 3 For shits and giggles.

Speaker 3 No, the real reason why is because that they suspect the kid to be gay.

Speaker 2 Oh, is that really what? Right, so because

Speaker 2 I definitely don't want to watch this, it's so gross and sad.

Speaker 3 Yeah, the boyfriend admits that he did it, doesn't care. No, he cares.
He's on trial, and he just, his defense is, I did it, but I didn't intend to kill him.

Speaker 2 What is that? How is that? That's insane. That's like saying I beat someone to death, but I didn't.

Speaker 3 But the logic for me is that every time you brutalize a boy, you know that death could be a consequence.

Speaker 2 He's a child, by the way, not a boy.

Speaker 3 It's an eight-year-old boy, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's a little, little, tiny boy.

Speaker 3 Right.

Speaker 3 So the dude's on trial, right? And the jury, all of the jury is like, yeah, guilty.

Speaker 2 Give him the death penalty, yeah.

Speaker 3 Except for juror number seven, a Chinese man.

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 2 And he, this fools is like, I don't know, you know, from where I come from.

Speaker 3 I swear to God, you know, I don't know if it was intent to kill because the thing is, I don't know his heart.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 3 his heart could be, you know, dark and evil. But, and I'm literally going, you ching chong!

Speaker 2 Press the button, ching chang!

Speaker 3 I'm literally fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah. Oh my god.

Speaker 2 But they finally flipped them. They both got the death penalty, right?

Speaker 3 Well, yeah, I'm pretty sure one of the jurors goes, hey, Ching Chong, look at me.

Speaker 2 Right? I don't think they said that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Focus, right?

Speaker 2 We got to get a bigger gong.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we have to get rid of the gong. I didn't.

Speaker 2 We have to get rid of the gong. I didn't put this in here, and I didn't put this in here.
Did you put the gong there?

Speaker 2 Somebody did the gong?

Speaker 3 Somebody did. Oh, somebody.

Speaker 2 No, he's pointing down there.

Speaker 3 He He got it from down there.

Speaker 2 No, he got you a gift over there. Oh, you did?

Speaker 3 What is it?

Speaker 2 Cereal?

Speaker 2 Just get it. How do you not know what it is? How do you not understand this joke that he, George? George put this stuff in here as a bit.

Speaker 2 He thinks this is, there I am.

Speaker 2 There I am on the box.

Speaker 3 George, good one.

Speaker 2 See? Very good one. Bobby did.

Speaker 2 Put it right there. It's fine.
There I am.

Speaker 2 This looks like we're sponsored by them.

Speaker 3 Why do you guys like cloves so much clove cigarettes? No like the clovers

Speaker 2 We don't like what do you mean we don't like them?

Speaker 3 Yeah, you do no

Speaker 3 you love green. Why do you guys like green?

Speaker 2 Because it's good Ireland is green. It's a very green country.

Speaker 3 There's a lot of places green. You know what else is green fucking West Covina

Speaker 2 No, it's not the same fucking idiot. Do you want me to sign that? Let me sign the bottom.

Speaker 3 I don't want you to sign it. It's not you.
That is me. He is more famous than you.

Speaker 3 You want to go into fame?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 Artificial person that's not even real, that was drawn. Do you know who he is? He is more famous than you.

Speaker 2 Seamus Charms?

Speaker 2 He's a very famous guy. Yeah.
You know where he went to high school? What? Powwe High. He's in the Hall of Fame.

Speaker 3 Good call back.

Speaker 2 In fact, I'm going to fucking have everybody vote for Seamus Charms. You guys, when the website goes back up, or Powwe High, why don't you go ahead and vote for Seamus Charms?

Speaker 2 Seamus Charms. That's what I want.
I want the Seamus Lucky Charms guy to be voted on. Yeah.
George got all this fun stuff for you. George got that.
He got this. This is racist.
He got you this.

Speaker 3 Well, you please watch the documentary.

Speaker 2 I just don't think I can. Why? Because I can't watch kids get abused, dude.
That fucks me that's a good idea.

Speaker 3 They didn't show it. You know what it is?

Speaker 2 No, but it's the conversations about the abuse that fucked me up.

Speaker 3 It's like those documentaries like, don't fuck with cats, right? That was another Netflix one that they were like, I hated that.

Speaker 3 You see it that, George? No.

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 3 You learn.

Speaker 2 It's repulsive.

Speaker 3 It's repulsive, but I feel like

Speaker 3 it's better to be knowledgeable about these incidences.

Speaker 2 No, I don't think that's

Speaker 3 to live in a dream like state. Well, it's not a dream.

Speaker 2 I just don't want to know.

Speaker 3 I don't like to live in a white dream like steak.

Speaker 2 I don't want to know the extent in which they abuse this human because I think that's fucking disgusting.

Speaker 2 How much depth do I need to know other than what you told me that they abuse this kid so horrifically?

Speaker 3 Because the system's broken, right? Social workers and the

Speaker 2 heroes.

Speaker 3 So that's what I'm saying: is that when you want, like, I wasn't even aware of this, and now I'm aware of it. And I know, and now, if there's a campaign, there's a measure on a ballot right to like

Speaker 3 I want to know what happened to us but you can't you can't tell me Pearl Fernandez the mother who's just as guilty and but she copped you know I mean a plea a deal yeah so she's but um some other lady on Twitter some girl was like

Speaker 3 um my mom's in prison with Pearl Hern Fernandez at this women's prison. Whoa.

Speaker 3 And she was saying that, yeah, Pearl Fernandez just gets beat down every fucking day.

Speaker 2 Well, great.

Speaker 3 You can't go out in the yard. Great.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, great, because you know what? If all those women that are in prison, I bet you most of them are in for some bullshit, not for child abuse.

Speaker 3 Yeah, child abuse is the worst.

Speaker 2 You know, the thing about prison is if you touch her for you. Were you molested? Huh?

Speaker 2 Was I molested?

Speaker 2 Not

Speaker 2 no.

Speaker 2 I was never molested. You were never molested.
No, I was never molested.

Speaker 3 You act like you were.

Speaker 3 You have an anger. You?

Speaker 2 You act like you were molested.

Speaker 3 I was molested. I know.

Speaker 2 So we don't act alike at all.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? You're the one who whips out your dick all the time and tucks it in your butt and does weird stuff? Molestation signs. Me, you know.

Speaker 3 But you have some sort of like, you have anger issues.

Speaker 2 I don't want to say we're not, this is about a fight.

Speaker 3 I don't want to fight. We're not fighting.

Speaker 2 We're not fighting.

Speaker 3 We're just discussing.

Speaker 3 Do you seem like you were molested is all I'm saying.

Speaker 2 Break it down for me. How do you think I got molested?

Speaker 3 Well, because you have this anger.

Speaker 2 anger, but you don't have any anger, and you were molested. You're so you're the happy case of molestation?

Speaker 3 Is that what it is? Well, there's different people get molested, they react differently to it.

Speaker 2 I was not molested, I promise.

Speaker 3 Okay, were you beat?

Speaker 2 Probably.

Speaker 3 No, were you beat by your dad?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 3 so you were never beat at all.

Speaker 2 I mean, we got hit, but like a normal kind of hit. Then what happened to you?

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 honestly, yeah,

Speaker 2 I got molested.

Speaker 2 I didn't get molested.

Speaker 2 So I didn't. What do you mean, what happened? The anger in me is just a part of, that's a symptom of who I am.
I have just a hot, I run hot.

Speaker 3 So it's like a genetic thing.

Speaker 2 I run hot.

Speaker 2 Daddy runs hot.

Speaker 3 Did your dad run hot?

Speaker 2 We all run hot.

Speaker 3 No, did your dad run hot?

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 3 So if I hung out with your dad for a weekend and he would never hang out with you.

Speaker 2 And he would never go to Tahoe.

Speaker 3 Only go to Tahoe with your dad.

Speaker 2 Do you want me to call him and see see if he'd go to Tahoe with you?

Speaker 3 I mean, but could you set it up? You just, that'd be a fun experiment. Your dad and me, one week in Tahoe.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't have to go. You would never last.
You would never last.

Speaker 3 What he'd rage out on me?

Speaker 2 He'd rape you.

Speaker 3 No, he wouldn't.

Speaker 2 He wouldn't rage out on you. No, but it's just that that's a pairing that would never work.

Speaker 2 You would annoy the fuck out of him. He'd have a stroke.
He would have a stroke. Yeah, yeah.
You would kill my father. Not with your own hands, but just

Speaker 2 your own mental volition.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah. That would drive him nuts.

Speaker 2 I can't watch documentaries like that that make me sad. I did watch the McDonald's thing.

Speaker 3 Is that good? Because I want to watch it.

Speaker 2 It's fine.

Speaker 2 It's all about the scam of the Monopoly pieces, and that's fine to me.

Speaker 2 It's nothing that you're going to go, whoa, it's not that big of a deal.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 you are going to go, wow, they could have done this in one

Speaker 2 fail space.

Speaker 3 Because of my trauma, because of the way I was raised, and because,

Speaker 3 you know, I've had to mention my dad again. He died.

Speaker 2 Support for bad friends is brought to you by Manscape.

Speaker 3 Manscaped.

Speaker 2 They're the best, right?

Speaker 3 They're the best. I literally use it.
I used to use a dry shaver

Speaker 3 like in prison.

Speaker 3 Not really, like a prison dry shaver.

Speaker 2 And you just use a razor.

Speaker 3 It's like base mill nicks, and it used to bleed.

Speaker 3 And then I went to the store and I got like another one and didn't work that good. But then when I started using this, it's perfect.
It really is. Tell them more.
It's great.

Speaker 2 I used to use it, Buzzer, like,

Speaker 2 I used to use one of those. Yeah, yeah.
And it nicked up my nutsack so bad. And when you bleed in the shower, it's so sad.

Speaker 2 But the first time I used the electric trimmer from the lawnmower from them, I'm telling you, you can get right up against your sack. It's not going to cut it.
It's incredible.

Speaker 3 When I'm telling you, this is premium, I mean premium. The battery will last up to 90 minutes, so you can take a longer shave.
90 minutes, dude.

Speaker 2 90 minutes is a long time to shave your nuts. I don't know if your nuts are that big, but if they are, you can go the full 90 minutes.

Speaker 2 Their third-generation trimmer has a cutting-edge ceramic blade to prevent manscaping accents. Millions of balls are going to be nick-free, thanks, Manscaped, their skin safe technology.

Speaker 3 It's a 7,000 RPM motor with quiet stroke technology.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's not loud. So

Speaker 2 if you're shaving your nuts, you can do it in a live stream.

Speaker 2 Men just always shave their nuts with a Lawnmower 3.0. Me and Bob both use it.

Speaker 2 We really enjoy it.

Speaker 2 Listen up, listen very closely. Trim the junk.
Bob and I know. Bob trims his.
He didn't used to, but now you do. It feels better, right?

Speaker 2 So for 20% off and free shipping, you go to manscaped.com and type in the code.

Speaker 3 Bad friends.

Speaker 2 Your balls are going to thank you once again you can get 20 off free shipping with the code bad friends manscaped.com by the way i saw your dad over at your brother's house that he had the box yeah your brother your dad's ashes yeah so heavy it was so heavy it was so much the box yeah it was so heavy i have the other half is it heavy too yeah or is your box the same box i thought was a fatty did your

Speaker 2 did your mom get any no

Speaker 2 she didn't want any ashes she didn't want any of it don't give me no issues Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 It was the weirdest thing because it's like when he died, and then we went to the

Speaker 2 funeral home or whatever.

Speaker 3 We sat in this office. Yeah.
And like, what do you want to do? What, you know, so we want to set up a no, we just cremate him, just put them in the box.

Speaker 2 They want to put him in a coffin in the ground.

Speaker 3 No, they wanted some sort of service. Yeah, do you want to do a service? And us three were like, no, no, just put them in the box.
Put them in the box. Put them in the fucking box.

Speaker 3 And how much money do you want to spend?

Speaker 2 The cheapest box. There's like a Target bag that you can put your dead dead dad in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Maybe I traded Joe's one, a really nicer one.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 3 you could do that. But then the second step is the brown box that we got.

Speaker 2 How much is it? Just so I know.

Speaker 3 But with the engraving and then the actual photo on it costs a little money.

Speaker 2 I saw that. Yeah.
How much?

Speaker 2 I know it was like a grand. How much does a grand dad cost?

Speaker 3 A grand, maybe.

Speaker 2 A thousand. Yeah.
When you die soon, do you want to be cremated or do you want to be put in the ground?

Speaker 3 I think I want a service. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I want to be in a coffin.

Speaker 2 You want to be put into the earth? Yeah. Really? Yeah.
I don't see that for you. Why?

Speaker 2 You know, I just think that's like, it's just a, it's, it's, you know, I know you want a big show. I know you like a big show, but you want to be in the earth, creepy earth bugs

Speaker 2 creepy crawling into your eyeballs.

Speaker 3 Yeah, because if there was like some sort of apocalypse and like, you know, zombies came out of the earth. And you want to be able to come back.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I want to be like, ah, I want to come out. Can you imagine everyone's like, oh, and then you pop out and you're like, hey, hey, you tuck your dick.

Speaker 2 You tuck your little dad dick. You tuck my dick, yeah, it's a zombie.
And you walk around with your little cock out with your little zombie cock.

Speaker 3 I could do that, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Someone's inside the house. Who is it? The zombies have broken in here.
They're trying to eat us, except for that one. He just wants to show us his weird penis.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Did you like The Walking Dead?

Speaker 2 Sure. I never saw one episode.

Speaker 2 I never saw one episode of The Walking Dead.

Speaker 3 You want me angry about The Walking Dead, though.

Speaker 2 But I loved Zombieland.

Speaker 3 The Korean dude.

Speaker 2 Why? Stephen Yoon.

Speaker 2 Because it was a role that you said.

Speaker 3 No, no, no, no. He's a friend of mine.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 I know. Yeah, what made you mad about him, though?

Speaker 3 He didn't make me mad.

Speaker 2 Okay, what you said?

Speaker 3 So in the show,

Speaker 3 he marries a white chick.

Speaker 2 Boo. Go ahead.

Speaker 3 And then I remember Ryan Seacrest on his radio show, he tried to go,

Speaker 3 that guy couldn't, in real life, date that girl. Really? Yeah.
And then he let it go because he realized that nobody else was like on board of what he was saying.

Speaker 2 That's really fucked up to say.

Speaker 3 It was fucked up to say, right? What's his name again? What? Stephen Yoon.

Speaker 3 Stephen Yoon, by the way,

Speaker 3 I know him. He's so

Speaker 2 very handsome.

Speaker 2 Good God, is he so handsome? Jiminy Crickets. Look at him.
Jiminy Crickets is he good looking. Yeah, he's good looking.
Yeah, I would definitely hang out with Steve Yoon. Right.
Wow, he's a sexy guy.

Speaker 2 He has that little kind of, he's got that cute, the little Asian mustache, the little non-threatening Asian hairs. Like I do.
Yeah, little non-threatening ones.

Speaker 3 What do you mean, non-threatening?

Speaker 2 You know, like, beards kind of make men look like men, and Asian beards just like, it just looks like

Speaker 2 cute and cartoony.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's why I wouldn't make a good pioneer. Do you know why?

Speaker 2 Because you would never last out in like a wagon. You would never, a pioneer, like discovering new land?

Speaker 3 No, like Abe Lincoln. They had the Abe Lincoln.

Speaker 2 So a president? What are you talking about?

Speaker 3 No, because remember Abe Lincoln grew up in the pioneer days in a log cabin.

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 3 Right? And they had these gigantic beards.

Speaker 3 I would look weird out there because I'd have a Fu Manchu.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? I'd have a full-on Fu Manchu.

Speaker 2 But wouldn't you love that?

Speaker 3 No, because they'd be like, is he chopping wood or going to kick me in the face? You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Why can't you just, why couldn't you just, you could just trim it up a little bit?

Speaker 3 No, it would just be a look. I think we would look weird.

Speaker 3 I honestly think if there were Asians.

Speaker 2 He's good looking.

Speaker 3 He is cute.

Speaker 2 There were Asians in the pioneer days, in the days where pioneers existed.

Speaker 3 well in deadwood yeah like in western towns we had opium dens opium

Speaker 2 opium don't correct the way i talk because you got you got what i said opium dens opium dens there's opium dad dead dads there's opium dead dad dens opium dens there's a opium dead dad den in pasadena you can go to and just do opium because you're a dead dad do you know that no 35 an hour

Speaker 3 stop doing that sorry um

Speaker 2 but look so that Justin Yoon guy is a cute guy. Stephen Yoon.
Sorry. Whatever.
Yeah. Sorry, whatever.
But he looks like this kid, Justin Choon, that I know. You know Justin Choon? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he kind of looks a little.

Speaker 2 But this guy, Secrets, said, couldn't date a white girl. That's what the discrepancy was?

Speaker 3 Yes,

Speaker 2 he couldn't get one?

Speaker 3 No, he goes, he would, in real life, that guy wouldn't be able to get that girl. That's so good.

Speaker 2 The girl that was on the show wasn't, she was average.

Speaker 3 She wasn't like, you know what I mean, stunning.

Speaker 2 What was her name? I don't even remember. What was the show?

Speaker 3 The Walking Dead, one of the biggest hits of the last decade.

Speaker 2 I didn't see it. Don't know anything about it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but it's a pretty good show.

Speaker 2 Is it really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 The Walking Dead. And it was Walking Dead.

Speaker 2 What was his name again? Stephen Yoon. Yeah.
Stephen Yoon girlfriend? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's an easy way to check in all. Wife.
Is that her?

Speaker 3 No, wife in the show.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's wife on the show. Wife, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Where is she?

Speaker 2 There? No, this is all his wife in the real life. That's the problem that they're going to show all this stuff.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 There's him with the bat. I don't know.
I never saw The Walking Dead, but I know a lot of people liked it a lot. Laura Cohan, is that her?

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's her.

Speaker 2 So now,

Speaker 3 you would.

Speaker 3 He could get her.

Speaker 2 Okay. I don't want to.
I don't want to offend either of these people because I don't know them in the real world. Okay, good.
But based on the photo,

Speaker 2 they seem quite comparable.

Speaker 3 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 Right, so it's not a a stretch not even remotely Yeah, but fucking stupid Ryan Seacrest right yeah,

Speaker 3 you know first of all He's just so white he is white, right? Yeah, and the thing is I want to have a message to Ryan Seacrest is that yeah, we're here dear Ryan Seacrest dear Ryan

Speaker 2 fat

Speaker 2 I'm I'm misshapen you're not you're not a girl's wet dream Your body is your body's probably average. I would say you're very average.

Speaker 3 I'm pretty fat.

Speaker 2 You're not fat right now.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 But I'm, but I'm not like.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I, you wouldn't think that I would be able to kill it with women.

Speaker 2 That's not true.

Speaker 3 Okay, well, and I want to, I have a message to Ryan Secrets. My message is that I've dated girls comparable to her or even hotter.

Speaker 2 That's right, Ryan.

Speaker 3 Ryan.

Speaker 3 And,

Speaker 3 you know, and you fucks on the internet go, you only get girls because you do stand-up and you have money or whatever.

Speaker 2 That's the whole reason why you did those things.

Speaker 2 Why the fuck would I do this? What for that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 I got no pussy

Speaker 3 when I was 23 years old. Zero.

Speaker 2 None. I know your brother told me that he was a virgin until he was 20.
Yeah, yeah. Something.

Speaker 3 So none. None.
Right. And I go, I'm going to have to do something

Speaker 2 to figure it out.

Speaker 3 So I'll just go do stand-up. That was why.
Yeah. And then four months in,

Speaker 3 Jennifer Field, there was a white girl named Jennifer Field.

Speaker 2 Jennifer Field.

Speaker 3 Walks up to me and she goes, hey, you want to eat my pussy at my mom's house in Oceanside?

Speaker 2 I go, what?

Speaker 2 For free?

Speaker 3 Yeah, for

Speaker 3 sure.

Speaker 2 Jennifer Field. Where do you think she is now, by the way?

Speaker 3 Please don't Google her because she's probably...

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's her.

Speaker 3 No, she was white.

Speaker 2 This girl is white. That's Jennifer Field.
She was an actress. That's Asian.
Was she an actress? No.

Speaker 3 You're never going to find the Jennifer Field.

Speaker 2 This is is the girl that said that to Bob.

Speaker 3 No, no, that's not the girl. This is the girl.

Speaker 2 Excuse me.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 But my point is that she lived in Oceanside, and I remember going into her mom's closet in 69 and her. You did? Yeah, and I remember.
So check this out.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 3 So she's on top of me like this. Okay.
And her cheeks are on my face, like this.

Speaker 3 And I looked up at, I literally did this. I looked up at the sky.
And if God could, if there was a camera, you would just see tears.

Speaker 3 Just tears. And I did a little wink to God.

Speaker 2 To the Lord. And

Speaker 2 I go, Thank you.

Speaker 2 You think he was watching?

Speaker 3 I'm pretty sure he was.

Speaker 2 You think God was watching you?

Speaker 3 Go down, Jennifer's. I always thank God for things like that.

Speaker 2 Are you becoming more religious now?

Speaker 3 I believe in God, yeah.

Speaker 2 You believe in God? Or you believe in a thing like God?

Speaker 2 Do you actually believe in God?

Speaker 3 I don't believe in Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I believe in

Speaker 3 that we're all connected by energy and that there is some sort of loving,

Speaker 2 omnipotent, loving an omnipotent force.

Speaker 3 Yeah, force.

Speaker 2 Before your dad died, did he pray? Was he like big?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I was completely atheist.

Speaker 2 See, they always say a man always finds God on the deathbed. Your dad had no, nothing like that.

Speaker 3 Well, my brother, I don't know why he did this, but my brother would take photos of my dad dying.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Well, he goes. As he was dying, he was dying.

Speaker 3 My dad was in hospice for seven days.

Speaker 2 Snapchatting your dad's death. Yeah.
You know, those photos where someone does a picture every single day? Your brother was doing the explanation.

Speaker 3 Well, I never showed you these photos. Oh, these are going to fucking boggle your mind.

Speaker 2 I don't want to. I don't.
Do I want to see them? Are they fucked up? It's so hard to see like that. Like when people also, you know, when people, did you look at your dad after he was dead?

Speaker 3 I was in the room when he

Speaker 2 finally left.

Speaker 3 When he left.

Speaker 3 And.

Speaker 2 Did your mom cry?

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. Yeah, she was.

Speaker 3 so look at this.

Speaker 2 But your brother spent a good chunk of time taking photos of your father as he passed away.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, is this hard to look at?

Speaker 2 And your brother's crying and your mom is crying. Yeah.
Jesus, Bob.

Speaker 2 This is sad. This is very sad.

Speaker 3 Here's a funny guy. Show you a phone.

Speaker 2 I'll show you a funny one. That's not.
I hope it's not like that. It's not.
That's not funny. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But then my mom goes, my mom goes,

Speaker 2 Do you think my funny one?

Speaker 2 my mom goes she goes

Speaker 3 put the put the phone here to the timer

Speaker 2 so you can be in the picture yeah i go what do the timer i go how many seconds 10 seconds right and then the first time i did it the thing fell over

Speaker 3 right right right and then the second time i couldn't get around this like other thing that was in the

Speaker 3 instruction yeah so then we did it like 10 times but then we finally got it

Speaker 2 Oh, Bob. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is such a sad photo. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, your poor mother. Yeah.
So then... Did your dad know that you guys were taking pictures? Was he conscious enough? He's dead here.
Oh, that's he's dead. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Holy shit, Bob. So, yeah.

Speaker 2 Was he dead in the other one? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You were taking iPhone pictures while your dad was dead?

Speaker 3 My mom wanted it.

Speaker 2 Dude, Korean people are so fucking weird.

Speaker 3 That's so weird.

Speaker 2 That's wild. Because what are you going to do with that photo?

Speaker 3 I sent it to Oliver and Kate Hudson.

Speaker 2 Why would you send that to Oliver and Kate Hudson?

Speaker 3 And they were like, don't ever send that again.

Speaker 2 No shit. I didn't know.
I'm Korean. I know you guys do that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we do different things.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Death is a different thing.

Speaker 3 But anyway, the week,

Speaker 3 two days before that, my brother was like, I'm just going to stay here.

Speaker 2 Like, sleep in the room with him? Yeah. And I'm like...
As he was dying? Yeah. I'm like, all right.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 But all night long, he just took photos of him, like like stages. And I texted him back.
I go.

Speaker 2 Why is he doing that?

Speaker 3 And one of them was this, though. My dad doing this.

Speaker 2 Look.

Speaker 3 He did that.

Speaker 2 That's so sad, Bob.

Speaker 3 Right. So maybe there is a God thing.

Speaker 2 Okay, sure. Maybe there is a God thing.
But your father didn't believe in God, you said. Yeah, but maybe

Speaker 3 flying toward a.

Speaker 2 Oh, going towards the light? Maybe.

Speaker 3 You think so? Yeah, there was a, yeah, he was doing that.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I don't,

Speaker 2 I'm being genuine with you. Don't ever send people those photos ever again.
That's an insane, that's like a literal insane thing to do.

Speaker 3 No, it's not, it's insane. I'll tell you why.

Speaker 3 Have you heard of Ram Das?

Speaker 2 I know Ram Dass.

Speaker 3 So Westerners have this skewed or different idea about death, right? And Ram Dass,

Speaker 3 you know, when he was alive, he died in December. But he loved being in the presence of death.
Because he's being in the presence of truth.

Speaker 2 Because it's liberating.

Speaker 3 It's the most truthful thing that you could witness. Okay.
Right. And for me, I believe that my dad moved on to the next phase or the afterlife.

Speaker 3 And I think that it's not, I don't think that you view it as some sort of weird personal, you know what I mean? Private thing that...

Speaker 2 I think death is kind of private. It's not.
You don't think death is private? It's death truth.

Speaker 2 So death is truth, but it's not private. So

Speaker 2 should we parade around death a little bit more?

Speaker 3 No, but I don't think that we should like

Speaker 3 shame, be shameful about it.

Speaker 2 It's not shameful, but it's almost like God rests the dead type of shit where you're like, when they're gone, they're gone.

Speaker 3 Some countries,

Speaker 3 they have different ways of dealing with it. They celebrate.
I mean, there's a party that goes on.

Speaker 2 Sometimes they have a party around the dead body.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And so it's like, I don't like to,

Speaker 3 yeah, but that's your like angry Chicago

Speaker 3 bearish fucking lucky charm.

Speaker 2 I think most

Speaker 2 fucking pot of gold, if there's a rainbow, fucking bullshit. Seamus charms.
Okay. Using Powwe Hall of Fame.
By the way, most if you if you don't do that again

Speaker 2 I really I was really animate about that people are gonna vote for you I mean they're either gonna vote for you or Seamus there's one of the two we're gonna get in

Speaker 2 um can I tell you a story real fast this is insane a guy at my bakersfield show passed out because I think he was on too many edibles they said

Speaker 2 passed out in the middle of the fucking show and they had to turn on lights and I was like man what happened with the fucking lights and they said it was probably because he was they were like he was drunk but he was acting real weird so I was like he wasn't drunk he was fucking high and he passed out in the middle of the show slammed himself on the floor this this fucking poor dude and they had to turn on lights and drag him out in the middle of the show and then and then another weird thing when i was in um atlanta maybe atlanta was i just in they tell people you know no cell phones you know all this shit like no cell phones all this like don't no recording

Speaker 2 whatever no pictures until after the show a guy a grown man an adult male they had to throw out throw out because he was drunk on his phone you know like taking photos or fucking around and they threw him out and he cried and he was bawling and i thought I'm not kidding, from the stage, I thought I was in my mind.

Speaker 2 He was so distant and faint because he was up in the balcony. I thought, that's weird.
That's like a thing in my, like, I think I'm hearing.

Speaker 2 It sounds like someone's, but it could be something outside. Yeah.
A grown man was bawling because they were kicking him out of the show.

Speaker 2 I know. It broke my fucking body.
You know why?

Speaker 3 Huh? He was crying? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because he loves you. I know.
I know. What am I? I didn't have an issue.

Speaker 3 And he probably like saved all his money for two weeks.

Speaker 2 I had nothing to do with it.

Speaker 3 He had a huge whiskey

Speaker 2 ginger. Oh, fuck you.

Speaker 3 Whiskey ginger fan. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, either way, I'm sorry. I feel bad.

Speaker 3 And he likes probably, I don't know why he likes whiskey ginger, but he's like, I love whiskey ginger so much. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then he's just like being torn out of there.

Speaker 2 I had nothing to do with that.

Speaker 3 And he's going,

Speaker 2 I didn't, dude, I didn't throw the guy out. I feel bad for the poor guy.
I feel like they told me the security guard was like laughing about it as a big dude.

Speaker 2 He's like, yay, he's fucking crying like a bitch. Yeah.
And I was like, oh, okay.

Speaker 3 at a comedy club what do you okay so let me ask you something i felt bad if they were if they're if the club is rude to you what do you do what do you mean like i'll give you an example the manager treats me like i was at i was in seattle once and when i watched the parlor yeah the parlor yeah and i did a show a couple of shows already that you know was a third i did a show thursday i did first show friday it's not there anymore is it it's not it should and in the second show

Speaker 3 In between shows, I took like a 20-minute nap because I was really tired. I've done that, yeah.
And then I came back to the second show, and the doorman wouldn't let me in.

Speaker 2 To your own show? Yeah. Because he was like, I don't know who you are, bro.

Speaker 3 He goes, hey, oh, man, we're all sold out.

Speaker 2 It's me.

Speaker 3 No, I didn't do that. I just walked in the club.

Speaker 2 And then did they get into a fight with you?

Speaker 3 As I'm walking forward, he walked in front of me and started walking backwards.

Speaker 2 Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. Why don't you just say, it's me.
I'm the guy

Speaker 2 you think he should know.

Speaker 2 Is that what that is? I don't know.

Speaker 3 If you're at a comedy club.

Speaker 2 He's a security guard. He doesn't fucking care.
He's getting paid fucking eight bucks an hour to make sure drunk people don't throw shit at you.

Speaker 3 So you would have just said.

Speaker 2 I would have gone, hey, I'm the guy. Nice to meet you.
I'm Andrew. What fucking? He doesn't care.

Speaker 3 That's what I should have done.

Speaker 2 That guy doesn't fucking care.

Speaker 3 You know what?

Speaker 2 He probably hates comedy.

Speaker 2 He probably is just like, fuck comedy. I have to listen to these fucking shit.

Speaker 3 Same thing happened at the helium in Portland. They had a little girl that was reading a book.

Speaker 2 During the show?

Speaker 3 No, she was a book. She was the door woman.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 3 And as I walked in, she goes, I.D.

Speaker 3 I love that and i go my id

Speaker 3 yeah i'm bobby lee id she needs she needs to know you're of age i had to fucking pull out my id

Speaker 2 to go to my own fucking show yeah but you know what i mean what do you fucking you sold out you don't you don't you don't take that personally here's the thing here's the thing why do i care if that guy knows who i am or not the people in the room all are there to see you i don't care that the fucking security guard is like i don't know you bro fine dog nice to meet you bud i'm gonna go play a sold out show for my fans sorry you don't know me I don't know.

Speaker 3 You know what I mean? So, you weren't molested.

Speaker 2 I was not.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 3 That's the difference.

Speaker 2 Because a molester goes, you gotta know who I am.

Speaker 3 Yeah, that's the difference. Right.

Speaker 2 Yeah. When you don't get molested, you're fine.
I want to tell you one quick thing, too.

Speaker 3 Did we do enough?

Speaker 2 We did, but this blew my mind. I want to tell you something.
Hold on.

Speaker 2 I'm sitting on the plane. I'm going from the plane from Detroit to Atlanta.

Speaker 2 The woman sees me on

Speaker 2 my website

Speaker 2 checking the dates because my fucking dates were broke, were wrong. It was going to wrong pages.
So I'm like kind of scrambling. I'm texting someone.
I'm like, hey man, these pages are not happening.

Speaker 2 Like something's wrong. It's sending people to the wrong page.
And she's staring over my fi. I can fucking feel her looking at my phone, you know? And I'm kind of getting annoyed.

Speaker 2 I'm like turning a little bit. And then she goes, You a musician?

Speaker 2 No, I go, No, I'm not a musician. I'm I'm I'm a performer.
I'm not a musician. Oh,

Speaker 2 what kind of performer? I j I just do a live performance readings. I do art readings.
I read art readings. I'm trying as hard as I can to get out of it.

Speaker 2 She goes, hmm. She sees me with a microphone because that's my fuck.
She goes, do you do, are you a comedian? I go, yes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like at some point, like, yes. Okay.

Speaker 3 This is how you're reacting to it. I think you're a little nicer, right?

Speaker 2 No. Oh, this is how you're reacting to it.
No, because I'm feeling, it's so invasive. All right.
Like, why are you fucking looking at my phone?

Speaker 2 That's insanely invasive. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It wasn't organic at all. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then she goes, I'm not making this up. She goes, I love comedy.
I said, oh, yeah. Like, we haven't heard this before.
I go, oh, yeah, okay, yeah.

Speaker 2 Who do you like?

Speaker 2 She goes,

Speaker 2 there's a white lady, and there's a black guy to my left. Okay.
Black guy to my left, white woman on my right going to Atlanta. If anybody knows Atlanta, yeah, very diverse, right?

Speaker 2 A lot of black people. This woman's going to Atlanta.
She goes, Bill Cosby.

Speaker 2 I go,

Speaker 2 Bill Cosby? And I go, oh, okay.

Speaker 2 And then she goes, yeah, I like, I think he's

Speaker 2 phenomenal. And I go, yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah. Bill was a very good comic.
It turns out he's a piece of shit. And she goes, what? Like this.
Yeah. I'm not kidding.
What?

Speaker 2 I go,

Speaker 2 you know, he raped women. I mean, he raped a lot of women.
He got caught raping women.

Speaker 2 I'm not joking even a little bit. Yeah.
Well, you know why I liked him?

Speaker 2 Because he told blacks to stop complaining and lift themselves up by their bootstraps.

Speaker 2 Black guy on my left, I'm in the middle. Black guy hears it for sure.
I'm sitting there begging for the plane to crash.

Speaker 2 Please crash. I was like, please hit a bump and let's fucking tumble to the earth.
Oh, my.

Speaker 2 She goes, blacks, he told blacks to stop complaining and lift themselves up by their bootstraps.

Speaker 2 That's what she said. And by the way, I have a black guy to my left who now thinks I'm buds with her.
I'm white. So

Speaker 2 right away, he's like, oh, this motherfucker's friendly.

Speaker 3 My God.

Speaker 2 So here's me. What do you say in that situation? I had to go,

Speaker 2 I don't know. You know, I'm not a huge, I don't, not a, you know,

Speaker 2 I should have pulled out a gun and shot my own fucking head. There was no way out of it.
Yeah. And the black guy, I can feel his energy.
I can feel him going, huh? Is that how you feel too?

Speaker 2 There's no way for me. I'm at a loss.
I can't believe it. No, you say this.

Speaker 2 Say it to me.

Speaker 2 Well, I like Bill Cosby because.

Speaker 3 Why do you like him?

Speaker 2 Well, because he told blacks to stop complaining and to lift themselves up by the bootstraps.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's what you did. Yeah, I should have played right into it.

Speaker 2 I know, I didn't do it, I thought. She made me so fucking funny.

Speaker 3 You fucking give her a lash of a pen?

Speaker 2 Huh? A pin. Well, when I say goodbye, I said, take it easy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was insane. It was such an uncomfortable fucking.
I hate being put in those situations. That's why I don't want to tell someone that you're a comic.
I'm not sure. I don't know.

Speaker 3 That's why I don't.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but when they put a gun to you and it's like

Speaker 2 they want to know, it's hard. Like the guy, another guy on the way to Detroit,

Speaker 2 I got

Speaker 2 a snack thing, a protein box, and he goes, I paid for it. And I was like, oh, why? And he goes, pay it forward, man.
I think it's a cool thing to buy people stuff on planes. I go, well, thank you.

Speaker 2 But then I realize that's him.

Speaker 2 sinking the bait. Now he gets to talk to me the whole fucking time.
Oh.

Speaker 2 I'm on my iPad. Yeah.
This is me. I had to do this the whole time watching a movie.
Yeah. I had to do this.

Speaker 2 What's up?

Speaker 2 All the time. I had to take off my fucking headphones, go, what's up? And then he would ask some question about what I'm watching.
And then I go, oh, it's

Speaker 2 Love is Blind. It's Love is Blind on Netflix.

Speaker 2 And then he's like, oh, okay. And I'm like, okay.
All right. And then I would watch it again.
And no shit again.

Speaker 2 What's up?

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I don't want to drink. Thank you.

Speaker 3 That's why you wear, I put that sleepy mask on.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 3 I put the earphones on. You're gone.

Speaker 3 I'm not even asleep.

Speaker 2 No, no, you just disappear.

Speaker 3 I'm not even asleep. I'll just have my eyes open with the mask on and just

Speaker 3 six hours and just stare in the darkness.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it's because it's better than that thing.

Speaker 3 It's better than talking to people.

Speaker 3 I want to talk to you about the guy that you had me open for me.

Speaker 2 Who?

Speaker 3 You requested your friend.

Speaker 2 Are you going to talk shit? No. Oh, who's great? Yeah, he's phenomenal.

Speaker 2 Matt Lockwood. Yeah, yeah.
Matt Lockwood's a great comic.

Speaker 3 He did a whole weekend with me.

Speaker 2 Well, he went to San Jose with you.

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 2 his family was there, right? Yeah, and I had to do that. His mom and his dad.

Speaker 2 You had to do the thing, didn't you?

Speaker 3 I had to do, because I wear two different masks. I have the dirty guy right here.
You know what I mean? The real authentic.

Speaker 2 The real deal.

Speaker 3 But then I can do a real suburban.

Speaker 3 How are you?

Speaker 3 Oh, your son. You raised him so well.

Speaker 2 That's really not. But

Speaker 3 you should do that though. And they're like, oh, yeah, huh?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because one day they're gonna be gone and and they'll remember you as that nice kid who just did the right thing by them by just saying hey how's it going instead of being like hey you want to see my dick

Speaker 3 no of course i know i know when to do that i know when to pull my dick out

Speaker 2 and how did he do he did great

Speaker 3 although it was funny because the first show

Speaker 3 the host was really good the local host in san jose no he he's from san francisco his name is mark smalls he's really good nikki glazer uses him oh i know who he is yeah he's very funny i've heard his name before yes

Speaker 3 so he was killing it. Yeah.

Speaker 3 So me and Lockwood were backstage, and he was a little nervous.

Speaker 2 He was like vocally saying to you, you could see you. You could feel it.

Speaker 3 He was pacing. He's like, I got this.
Like, I got this. And I go, you're going to eat it, dude.

Speaker 2 You asshole. Right in his eyes.
Why would you say that to that guy?

Speaker 3 And he goes, what do you mean? I go, I don't know, man. Like, Robert Hartman's here.
He's not there, but. No, it's just because I know he's not.
Yeah, yeah. But I'm telling him people that are there.

Speaker 2 Just to make him nervous.

Speaker 3 Yeah, like, like honestly, dude, it's I go, if you don't do well, you might not do the next other shows.

Speaker 3 This is the first show? That's the first show. And you can just see the sweat in his eyes vibrating.
And so then he gets up on stage and me and the manager, I go, come on, let's come on.

Speaker 2 Watch him fail.

Speaker 3 Right? So we're in the audience, right? And you could see him on stage kind of eating it.

Speaker 2 No. Yeah, a little bit.
Like he started. He struggled at the beginning.

Speaker 3 Now, this is what I'm doing in the back. Ah! You know what I mean? Just like tears.

Speaker 2 I'm having a great time, right?

Speaker 3 And the man, the manager's like, we're having a good time. But then, five or six minutes in, I could see him gain completely.

Speaker 3 Yeah. And then I was just like, all right, I'll go to the green room.

Speaker 2 Because he did well. Yeah.
That's good. See, you take my suggestions.

Speaker 3 But then we went to get tacos just real quick because you said the thing. And then

Speaker 3 we sat there and tacos. And I had to do the whole

Speaker 3 how do you

Speaker 3 this girl comes in? How do I know you?

Speaker 2 To you? Yeah. Oh,

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Wait, you've been in movies, right?

Speaker 2 Mm-hmm. And I'm like, yeah.

Speaker 3 She's like, hangover?

Speaker 3 Yeah. And I go.
Yes.

Speaker 2 No. Yeah, you were the guy in the trunk in hangover.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay, stop, Bob.
Come on.

Speaker 2 Bob. Let's end it.
Let's end it. Bob.

Speaker 2 Bob.

Speaker 2 Come say goodbye.

Speaker 2 Come here.

Speaker 2 Obviously, it's finished the story, though. So she says,

Speaker 3 stop.

Speaker 2 She says, you're in the hangover, and you go, obviously not. You go, no.

Speaker 3 Because now everything I'm going to say after that, that was the laugh. I'm not.
No, what you just did was how we should close the show.

Speaker 2 Look at me. Look at me.
Look at me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tell the rest of the story. I won't.

Speaker 3 She goes, No, no, don't. I know what you're trying to do.
Just end it.

Speaker 3 Look in the camera. Can you get me a napkin? Look in the camera.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And one, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 woof,

Speaker 2 yeah,

Speaker 2 woof,

Speaker 2 yeah,