I Love Titanic and I Love to Bowl

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You were taking iPhone pictures while your dad was dead?

My mom wanted it.

Dude, Korean people are so fucking weird.

That's so weird.

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude.
I'm an Asian dude. You guys are weird.
Hands are looking good. Have you seen a Korean guy around here? Who, Bobby? You two are sociopaths.
You two are disgusting. You guys are nuts.
You guys are sick. You two are wholesome and decent.
Oh, good. You two are back together.
You guys are fre You guys are sick You two are wholesome and decent Oh good, you two are back together You guys are freaks You are a bad friend You two are dangerous when you're coordinating You guys are gross You two are something We're bad friends Well, I was thinking, I was meditating You know, I meditate every night You meditate every single night, I know Yeah, so in my meditations last night, I thought to myself, Bobby Lee has no social cause. I want to be a social warrior, you know, because on the internet and on the gram, I want to influence.
What do you mean? What social cause do you want? Well, you know, Joaquin has the cows you know the cows you know I mean the milky tits you know the whatever

you know I mean like he wants to save them

he's saying we shouldn't drink milk

anymore yeah whatever right so he

and he's adamant about it

he's adamant about it he's adamant

adamant about it he's adamant

about it yeah

what's the word he's adamant adamant

about it he's adamant about it but he's adamant about it because he actually cares he that's why I want to care about something. I don't know why I don't care about shit.
But if you cared, it would already happen. You'd already care.
I know, but I want to force myself to care because I feel like I want to check a mark. Okay, what's a social issue that you think you want to have as your new social issue to care about? Let's do it today.
It makes me sad that like, but not really. No, you're not sad at all.
Yeah, but like, you know, the dolphins and the turtles with the straws in their mouths. What's going on with the dolphins? I don't know how they're getting straws in their mouths.
Dolphins are getting straws in their nose. There's no cocaine or something.
No, there's no cocaine dolphins. In the ocean.
What do you want? What do you think you want to say? What's important to you? What do you think? What do you think matters the most? For me personally? Yes. The things that I think that matter, like people don't.
This is not a thing. You know, it's not a it's not a thing that like people are going to be like.
What? We're going to stand behind. What is it? I don't even know.
That's the thing. i have i literally have no there's no thing care about anything homeless people health care i guess kids kids what aids kids aids kids oh you care about aids kids you know you know what i care about is the kids that are like starving in yemen Can you help them? No.
You don't want to help them?

No,

I want to,

but it's a,

it's a war stricken area and I can't get in there.

Okay.

Let's skip over then the war kids from Yemen.

I call Southwest.

They don't fly there.

They don't.

No,

they don't.

They're not going to go to Yemen.

No,

but so I'm trying to cause,

I'm trying to have social justices.

All right.

Well,

why don't you ask the fans to,

I have one though.

Oh,

what?

But it's my own personal to social justice about my own life.

What is it?

Well, what it is is this, is that...

So my brother and I were having Korean barbecues the other night.

Not surprised.

Did you go to Parks Finest?

Parks Finest is a...

Yeah, we did.

Went to Parks Finest.

Well, the parks that I went to...

Not Parks Downtown.

Not the Parks Downtown.

The one in Echo Park that you and I went to. But that's a Filipino barbecue place.
Filipino slash Korean. There's Korean food there too, right? No.
No? It's racist. Why? Because it's like saying, I went to an Italian restaurant.
Do you go to Taco Bell? No, that's Mexican food. Yeah, they're two different things, Filipino food and fucking Korean food.
No, what I said was basically going, hey, I had Mexican last night, and then you said, did you have Taco Bell? And I said, that's racist. I went to El Pollo Loco.
That's what that's saying. That's not what it is.
Because the Filipino... Asian food is Asian food.
That's not true! Yes, it is. I have to Google it, but...
Asian food all has the same ingredients, right? I had Thai last night. They have noodles and rice and meats and curries.
Yeah, I went to an Italian restaurant. They had noodles and rice there.
No, we don't have polenta. They don't have rice.
Polenta? Polenta's not Italian, first of all. It's not? No.
Oh. He knows polenta, don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, you know polenta.
He's Mexican. We have another minority.
For the fans at home two minorities in the room in case anybody's checking the social justice meter two for four I honestly think that it would help if I was like a comedian that had something to like that's not who you are name a famous comedian that has a thing that you're like damn damn, I wish I was like them, that they have a movement. Like that Australian lady, the lesbian lady with the glasses.
Hannah Gadsby? Yeah. What's her thing? She's lesbian and she was going to quit.
She's lesbian. That's her thing? So you think she was meditating one day and she was like, I'm going to be a lesbian.
Anywho, I don't know what you're doing and I don't know what you're trying to do right now. I'm trying to help you find your...
I was talking to Collette today.

Every time you call me,

I have a good day.

Every time you call me about anything,

it ruins my day.

It puts me in a bed.

My neck starts hurting

and I start getting spasms

in my fucking frontal.

I won't call you anymore.

But just be nice about it.

Okay, how would you like the phone call to go? I can't fucking what you did you fucking did that and i'm like what and then you say whatever because you fuck up stuff all the time but there's a nice way to fucking do it anyway um what i want to say i have a social thing what's what is it talk about what's your social thing well my brother and i were having um parks on verm Got it. Which is not the Filipino place that I took you to for my birthday.
Okay. You're a fucking racist.
No, I'm not. It was good food either way.
It was very good. That's why I go there.
I know. Because of Kalilah.
My brother was like, dude, they're really fucking you on that. On what? I'm going to get into it.
I know. I'm sorry.
Go ahead. Yeah.
God. Dude, they're really fucking you on that on what? I'm gonna get into it I know, I'm sorry, go ahead dude, they're really fucking you on that I go, what? and he goes Poway High School, dude Hall of Fame, you're not on it you're not on it so I went to high school at Poway High School graduated in 1990 90 yeah 1990 damn i wasn't even born yet i know i was born but you know what i was 1990 brian callum was 49 years old powey high school yeah let's see i literally thought that joe biden was um brian callum for like six months i'm not kidding you shut up every time i see joe biden i Callum's killing it.
Poway High School. Let's see the notable alumni.
So yeah, that's what I'm saying. So then we went, no, don't go there because I'm on that.
I'm on the Wikipedia. Comedian on Mad TV.
Yeah, there you go. I'm on that.
But go to Poway High School's Hall of Fame, their Hall of Fame. But I want to look up some of the people that are on here before we move forward.
No, no, no, go to the one because the other one is... Hold on, let's see some of these names.
Aubrey Battle, former American football defensive lineman. Okay.
Killing it. Judd Buchler.
Look at Judd. Look at those pits.
Look at those pits, dude. Nice pits.
Went to Zona. Kelly Cash, American musician, beauty pageant title holder.
Yeah, but there's other cool ones. Oh, Tom DeLonge from Blink-182.
Exactly. Oh, he's the most famous from your school for sure.
Without a doubt. You're not even close.
To Tom DeLonge. Tony Gwynn.
Oh, dude, he's more famous than you too. Wow.
Oh, dude, Alex Dickerson. Look at all these guys that are more famous than me.
That's not... Whoa, Hector Maldonado? Dude, there's some legit people that went to your school.
Exactly, right? Wow. Yeah, Stephanie Seymour, model.
Remember she had a baby with Axl Rose? She did. They have a kid that's right.
Yeah, right. Okay, so.
Whoa. Oh, dude, even Brian Rast, the professional poker player.
Everybody knows Rasty. You don't know him? Whatever you're doing is not going to work.
You don't know him? They call him Nasty Rast. Nasty Rasty.

Nasty Rasty.

No, no.

That's a real thing.

Nasty Rast.

He's like one of the top poker players in the world.

And I love him.

He's incredible.

That's fine.

Now go to the fucking Poway High School alumni site.

They go, Fast Dash by Nasty Rast.

He takes the pot home to get some ass.

Go to the fucking site.

Go to what?

Poway High?

Yeah, Poway High.

No, it says Poway High alumni.

Go Poway High Hall of Fame.

Google that.

Poway High. Hall of Fame A Hall of Fame? Yeah.
Poway High School Hall of Fame, Poway High Alumni Association. There we go.
That's it. Oh, three new names got entered, by the way.
Right. Look at this.
Hold on one second. Let me see this.
It says three new names just got entered into the Poway High Hall of Fame. Oh, my God.
There's a red carpet there, too.

They paid for a red carpet.

So the Hall of Fame inductee, Sean Tom Murray, class of 79.

Nice.

Yeah.

Oh, an Air Force guy.

I get that.

Okay.

And then another guy, and you're not in the Hall of Fame.

Just go to the fucking thing, man.

How many times do I have to tell you?

Right there, the first one.

I don't need the aggressiveness.

Go down.

Scroll down.

I don't need all that bullshit.

Okay, here we go.

Now, these are the names.

Yeah.

Okay, wow.

Okay, so let's make an argument.

Sure.

Do you think that they're more famous than me?

Well, your class isn't even in here.

1990.

I know because no one in my class got into it.

Well.

What they're saying is that – your class isn't even in here. 1990.
I know no one, because no one in my class got into it.

Well,

what they're saying is,

is that,

yeah,

you're not famous enough to be in this.

And I will say that that's true.

Cause look at Tina Gould.

She just got in from a class of 04.

Yeah.

Everybody knows tea.

You don't know tea dog.

Tina goes internationally renowned cellist being honored for accomplishments in the arts. Grammy nominee partner with bentley motors and the ritz carlton classical electrical cellist dude she's heard on hundreds of soundtracks all right go back hundreds go back click on some man on actually you know what i'd like to see how famous is tina guo by the way tina guo is how famous do you really think how many plays do you think she has on spotify and her most famous song this will kind of dictate whether or not she's actually that famous okay but Tina hold on you're supposed to be on my side dude I am on your side I feel like you're on that fucking board there's no way I'm on that board this week we have a meeting Tina Guo here you go look whoa yeah every month she has 223,000 listeners.
Her most famous song, she did the Wonder Woman theme. Okay.
And she deserves to be on it. That's fucking fine.
But look at the other names. I don't know.
I think some of these people might be. No, because they're choosing people based on a Christian ethic.
Right. Right.
Oh, because you're not Christian anymore. No, anymore because i'm a filth i'm a filth monger with no with no cause is poway high a christian high school no so why so why are you putting that right when i'm asking bad friends fans to do yeah is go to the poway high school okay let's do let's hall of fame site right here everyone we're gonna put this in and then to submit my name.
So here you go, guys. We want you to go to Poway High School's website.
Really easy to find. It's PowayUSD.
No, not that website. Just go to the Poway Hall of Fame thing.
Okay, go to Poway. Don't go there.
Go to Poway. Do the one that you were just at.
Can we get another computer guy? This guy? Poway High Hall of Fame organization. Yeah, go to Poway.
Yeah,, organization. So all you need to do to get Bobby into the Hall of Fame is go ahead and contact.
And go down and scroll down a little bit. Contact.
No, it's right down there. It's right.
See, it says. Have a question? No, go down a little bit.
See down there? Nominated candidate. Nominated candidate.
So guys, everyone go here and go nominate a candidate online. We're going to do it right now, live on the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry this forum is no longer accepting submissions.
Look at that.

They're full.

The Hall of Fame is full.

Damn, that sucks.

Do you know why?

Because I've been doing it in 19 other podcasts.

Why do you even care about Poway High so much anyway?

I didn't care until my brother said that I should care.

You shouldn't care.

All right, well then I'm going to let it go.

Because there's nothing about Poway...

Oh my God, one of the most prestigious high schools in the world.

Anybody who's anybody is a Hall of Famer here.

Well, like it says on the website.

Yeah, you know what it is, dude?

I'll tell you what it is.

What?

You know, you're not an ally.

Yes, I am.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

You're like, I'm Japan, I'm Emperor Hiarito, and you're Mussolini, bro.

You're not.

First of all, you're not Japan.

You're not Japan.

Ask George.

I'm 10, ask George.

I'm 10% Japanese.

I did the fucking 24 and me.

At 23.

You do, you might have an extra gene, but it is 23 and me. Is it 23 and me?

Yeah, you might have one.

I did 23 and me.

Okay, and you're Japan.

I'm 10% Japanese.

You're tempura Japanese.

You're tempura percent Japanese.

Yeah.

You're tempura percent.

Yeah.

I want to say this.

What?

You deserve to be in the Hall of Fame, and you know I mean that. I genuinely do do i also want to say i apologize to david attenborough because on last week's episode we said that he was dead and he's alive so i apologize to david attenborough and all of his friends and family because we i thought he was dead i'm sorry about that did you really people complained david attenborough's um estate reached out to us and threatened to sue us if we didn't take it down.
I swear to God. You swear to God? They sent us a cease and desist and said, David is alive.
If you keep putting out this stuff, we will see you in court. Oh, well, he's definitely alive.
He's alive. Yeah, we love him.
He just looks dead. Here's what I'd like to do.
We got a dead dad excuse. We got a Facebook user, Justin Morris, who – Santino has to guess how many times Bobby used his dead dad as an excuse just this week.
And we have to guess the reasons. How many times have you used your dead dad as an excuse to get out of things? I would say you've gotten out of two podcasts by using your dead dad as an excuse this past week.
I used my dead dad for a lot of things, yeah. Did you get out of podcasts this week by saying dead dad stuff? I get out of a lot of things.
Okay. Auditions.
One for one. I would also think you got out of having sex with Kalilah or doing something sexual with Kalilah, but, and you quoted dead dad stuff.
Yeah. Okay.
Perfect. Two for two.
There's got to be one more somewhere in there. I think you got out of a, I think you got out of doing a set or doing a dinner with somebody, either stand-up or dinner because of Dead

Dad.

You said you used Dead Dad as an excuse.

Did you?

Kalilah just texted me.

What did she say?

The hallway high school website just broke from all the submissions.

That's fantastic.

That's all I wanted.

That's all I wanted.

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You must be registered on rewards for offers in the lab. Oh, I want to say to Poway High School, my dad died.
My dad died. Put me in.
Yeah, his dad is dead, guys. Why don't you put him in the thing? You know what's funny? Put him in the thing.
Is your dad alive? I have two dads.

I have two dads.

Yeah?

I have two dads.

Would you consider Buff Eyes your dad?

Who?

Buff Eyes.

Who's Buff Eyes?

Rogan.

You think he's my dad?

Yeah.

Is he my dad?

You get like a little like, you know what I mean?

You look at him like your dad why don't why don't

you like rogan i love him hmm interesting why it's so funny what you're doing right now because obviously i love him well you called him my dad my daddy like oh i impressed like you don't like him you love him i love rogan but i i'm intimidated by him every time he comes to the store do you nervous? Well, it was three weeks ago. His wife was there.
I love her. Yeah, she's cool.
And she noticed the shoes I was wearing, which I really liked. And then Rogan pulled me aside.
And he goes, how come you get so scared around me? It's a legitimate question. And I go, I'm not scared.
I go, because what you white people don't fucking understand is that in – don't ever look like that again, man. You kind of did like – Who are you talking – You're not – George.
Oh, George that made a face? Yeah, he did like a little squinty, like confused, kind of like, huh? George did the – you know what it is? He's got that Hitler youth in him. He is not having it.
He's getting a little cocky. Not cocky.
There's something, he's going like megalomaniac ego crazy. You know he got engaged.
Did you congratulate him? Anyone, any white dude can go to China and get a, or whatever, and get a wife. Okay.
Did you see her? The ching chong? She's not Chinese, is she?

What is she?

No, she's not.

She's not Chinese.

What is she?

What is she, dude?

Korean.

Okay.

Oh, is she really?

My mom.

One after your heart.

My dad died and he... He's fucking my mom.

He's fucking your mom.

I want to do something real fast

because everybody loved it

when we did a little scene reading

and I'd like to do a scene reading right now.

Yeah, but I don't know what movie it is.

You'll figure it out almost right away.

I want you to put on this, if you could.

And I'll put on one of these things.

So we're going to be doing a little classic scene reading.

And you have to put on that.

You put on one of those around your neck as well.

I'm going to be doing a little classic scene reading here for Bob. This is one of his favorite movies.
He said this. So we have to abide by what Bob likes and wants.
Oh, I forgot I have to take my headphones off. But we're trying to get dressed here.
Do you want to do the direction or do Andres? Yeah, let Andres do the direction. That would be great.
All right, give me those scripts are right there. What are the beats for? What do you mean what are the beats for? Do you put them on? Yeah, you got to put them on.
Okay. Okay, put them on and are you going to put back on your headphones or no? Yeah, I am.
You don't have to if you don't want to. I want to.
Give me a script and give him a script. This is something that the fans really wanted and also something that you love.
What is it? All right, so you're going to be the role of Rose, and Andres is going to read some of the scene direction. Okay, go ahead, Andres.
What movie is this? You'll figure it out almost right away. Is it The Notebook? It would be almost impossible for you to not figure out.
Is it The Notebook? Nope, but you'll just figure it out almost right away. You're close.
Okay, so guys, ready? Interior, rose suite.

What?

1912.

Like in a dream, the beautiful water work.

Water work.

First of all, Andreas.

Cut, cut, cut.

Cut.

Just project a little bit more. You have to project a little bit more because you know you're you're acting as if you're the director or whatever does that you know he went to they went to film school i know they did so just project a little bit more right slow it down a bit okay start from the top go ahead okay here we go interior hold on one second my phone's ringing hold on okay go ahead it's rogan i it.
Yeah, answer it. Answer it.
Yeah? Yeah. No, he won't want to be on the show.
Okay. Okay, hold on.
Well, let's start from scratch. Here we go.
Let's start from scratch. Go ahead.
Okay. Interior rose suite.
Like in a dream, the beautiful waterwork and satin upholstery emerge from the rusted ruin. Jack is overwhelmed by the opulence of the room.
He sets his sketchbook and drawing materials in the marble table. Will this light do? Don't artists need good light? That is true.
I am not used to working in such horrible conditions. Hey, Monet! What movie is this? He crutches next to the painting, stacks against the wall.
Isn't it great? The use of color? I saw him once, through a hole in this garden fence, and give you nieri. She goes into the adjacent walking wardrobe closet.

He sees her go to the safe and starts working the combination.

He's fascinated.

Callus insists on lugging this thing everywhere.

Should I be expecting him anytime soon?

Not as long as the cigars and brandy hold out.

Clunk, she unlocks the safe.

Glancing up, she met his eyes in the mirror behind the safe.

She opens it and removes the necklace.

Then holds it out to Jack, who takes it nervously.

You hold it to me. Give it to me.
What is it? What is it? Is it a sapphire? What is it? What is it? Is it a... What is it? Is it a sapphire? A diamond.
A very rare diamond called the heart of the ocean. Zach gazes at well beyond his comprehension.
I want you to draw me like your French girl. Wearing this.
Wearing all this. He looks at her.
Surprise. And then we cut to interior bedroom.
Jack is laying on his pencils like surgical tools. His sketchbook is open and ready.
He looks at us. She comes into the room wearing a silk kimono.
The last thing I need is another picture of me looking like a China doll. As a paying customer, I expect to get what I want.
She hands him a dime and steps back, parting the kimono. The blue stone lies on her creamy breasts.
Her heart is pounding as she slowly lowers the robe. Jack looks so striking, it is almost comical.
The kimono drops to the floor. Tell me when it looks right to you.
She poses on the divan, setting like a cat into the position we remember from the drawing. Almost.

Just bend

your left leg a little and

lower your head.

Eyes to me. That's it.

Tex starts to sketch.

He drops his pencil and she

stifles a laugh.

I believe you're

blushing, Mr. Big Artiste.

I can't imagine monje, Monje blushing.

He does landscapes.

Tight on Jack, as his eyes come up to look at her over the top edge of the sketch pad.

We want him to finish.

Finish it!

We have seen this image of him before in her memory. It is an image she will carry the rest of her life.
Push slowly on Rose's face. Wow.
I don't know what movie it is. You still don't know what movie it is? No, I don't know what movie it is.
How can you not know? What movie is it? Jack, Rose, draw me like one of your French girls. I've never seen...
What movie is it? Titanic. I've never seen it.
You've never seen the movie Titanic? No. How have you never seen the movie Titanic? I don't like boat movies.
It's not a boat movie. It's a boat movie.
But you know what I mean. It's a great film.
It's a beautiful film. I don't know what it is.
Leonardo DiCaprio? Leonardo DiCaprio is in it. I know that James Cameron directed it.

How have you never seen Titanic?

It's the same reason why I haven't seen Beauty and the Beast.

I refuse.

The Disney movie?

Beauty and the Beast?

Whatever.

The new one or the old one?

Either one.

Why?

What are those?

Those things have nothing to do with one another.

Yeah, they're like classics that people like.

One of them is an animated Disney movie. I like Mean Streets.
Scorsese's fucking first... second movie.
Okay. I like, you know, Apocalypse Now.
Gritty shit. Okay, both movies are over 30 years old.
I don't like, you know what I mean, some dude on a boat doing this the whole time. You don't like that? No.
How can you not like that? It's just not my fucking thing, dude. It's not my fucking thing.
Okay's a beautiful love story. It's not my fucking thing, alright? It's a beautiful love story.
You don't fucking believe that! I love the Titanic. There's no way you like it! I love the Titanic.
No, you don't. Yes, I do.
What do you like about it? I like when the boat sinks. That's my favorite part.
When everybody dies is the coolest thing in the world. You see guys ping pong off the bang, bang, bang, bang all the the way down.
You don't like that? You don't like to watch death scenes? Yeah, maybe the ending part, I'd probably watch that part. It's a phenomenal movie.
You know why I didn't like it? I didn't want to watch it because I remember chicks going, oh, we love it. And then it's like.
You remembered women liking it and so that means you don't want to like it? Because people liked, women liked Fried Green Tomatoes too. You didn't like

that movie either? So I'm like, so I saw

Fried Green Tomatoes and I'm like, ah, it's not for me.

I don't like vegetables and I

don't like women walking around

talking about things like that. Is that what you think

the movie's about? Yeah.

Just vegetables and women? Oh, and here's

another thing that I'll, now I will never

watch it because I got shushed by

somebody on that fucking movie. What? So I did Pauly Shore's movie last summer.
What was it called? I don't remember. You don't remember the movie you did last summer? He goes, dude, do my movie, dude.
And I showed up and I just did it. So you don't remember it all? No.
Okay, go ahead. I mean I remember doing it because I have a story about it.
All right.'m saying yeah go ahead so i show up and you know some girl's like you want to go to the set like i like fine so we're just talking and then but we're just talking looking at each walking and talking this lady that's bringing me to the set but she walked me into the set while they were shooting what do you mean like watch you on you in the middle of the screen? Yeah, it's like a take. They were doing a take.
But I didn't know that. I was just following this girl.
So you got in trouble. No, and then Billy Zane, he's in it, right? Titanic? Billy Zane is in it.
Yeah. You know what he said? Billy Zane's in the Pauly movie.
What's a movie? I want to know what movie this is. So then Billy Zane goes like this.
He turns to me and he goes like this. Shh.
To me. And then I got rage eyes.
Yeah. Like, bitch, don't fucking shush me, bitch.
Bitch, don't fucking shush me, bitch. So then I just thought to myself, it was on my checklist to watch Titanic, but now no more.
The Guest House? Is that what it's called? Yeah, I'm in that. What's your name? I don't remember, dude.
Guest house is a newly engaged couple finds the home of their dreams and it quickly becomes a nightmare when the previous owner's friend continues squatting in their guest house. It leads to a turf war.
Bobby Lee was in this. Billy Zane, Charlotte McKinney, Amy Teagarden, Pauly Shore, Bobby Lee.
You played Benny. Yeah, I played Benny.
Your character was Benny. Can you name any lines from that movie? I don I don't remember even doing it I don't remember the scenes I remember I got naked at one point no shit no but I'll tell you how can I tell you what yeah of course you can tell me whatever you want so there was a scene where Paulie's in this bungalow and he's just kind of like his character's just kind of just walking around is he the guy that's squatting? Yeah, he's squatting.
He's the squatter. And whose house was it? Billy Zane's house, obviously.
I don't fucking know. But what happened was there was a scene where he just goes, just sit on this hammock and read a book.
And you're just going to be in the background. I think it'd be funny.
And I just say it'd be funnier if I was just completely naked for no fucking reason I totally agree that's the go to

so I just did that

so you got butt naked in the back of the scene

no explanation

there's no lead into it no one talks about it

he just walks into his place and he's just like talking to somebody

I'm just in the background swinging on this little hammock

completely

with your little dick out?

no I cross my legs

would you tuck it?

I can tuck my dick

when you cross your legs?

I could tuck it right now

Do you know? With your little dick out? No, I cross my legs. Would you tuck it? I can tuck my dick.
When you cross your legs? I could tuck it right now. Do it.
Oh, God, that chair. Oh, look at that mangina.
Hold on. Let me get that.
Get a little photo there we go perfect

you have like a food

you know what that looks like

stand up for a second

that looks like you have

that looks like you have a pussy

stand up

stand up for a second

doesn't that look like

he has a pussy

cause it's like thick right there

that little bump

that's so good

do we have a marker

can we sharpie like a clit

yeah

I want to sharpie draw

like a little clit

oh my god

wait a minute

let me get close

cause here come here

it kinda looks like you have

like if I just

hold on one second

if I just

Let's go. want to sharpie draw like a little clit oh my god wait a minute let me get close because here come here it kind of looks like you have like if i just hold on one second if i just i'm gonna send that be like look at this babe sent me her pussy bro

well look at that look at that looks like a pussy yeah it's look the stomach looks bad though

no but i'll just go i'll just this heavy girl is sending everybody dms of her naked you know

what i mean yeah can we draw a little clit on you let's draw a little tiny clit

Thank you. bad though.
No, but I'll just go just this heavy girl is sending everybody DMs of her naked, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we draw a little clit on you?

Let's draw a little tiny clit.

Alright, here we go. Let's draw a little clit right here.

And then you're kind of lippy.

You seem like you have big lips. Look at that, you have big

puss lips. Take a photo.
You look

good. That looks really good.

Let me put it on my stomach a little bit. Hold on,

Thank you. You seem like You have big lips Look at that, you have big puss lips You look good That looks really good Hold on one second, are you going to suck in your stomach? One, two, three You have a cute little puss puss Looks like Oprah's pussy You have a half innie, half outie Alright No, no, I just noticed that.
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See full terms at mintmobile.com. That looks like it's either a butthole or a hammer.
That's my belly button. Don't zoom in on that, man.
It's your belly button. It's not that big of a deal.
There's way worse stuff than your belly button. You showed me your clit, your food clit.
I just forgot why I just did that. Why? I don't know why.
What prompted me to just do that again? With you, it's anything. I think you said that you could tuck your dick.
Oh, that's what it was, yeah. And there's a pube now on your mic.
Look at your mic. It has a pube on it.

On the other side? Oh, yeah, yeah.

No, this is from the wig.

I was going to say it was red. I thought that was mine.

Should I watch Titanic then?

I think it's a phenomenal movie.

Can I just say something to you?

Yeah. I've seen it.

I knew.

What did you think about it, though? I liked it. I've seen it like 10 times.

What do you think the rating is for Titanic?

What do you mean the rating?

7 out of 10.

Can you believe it?

7.8 out of 10.

900,000 people rated it.

It's a fucking phenomenal movie.

But it's not a masterpiece.

It's not like- It absolutely is a masterpiece.

Okay, you know what a masterpiece is?

It's like The Hidden Fortress.

You know what I mean? It's a Kurosawa film. I'll tell you why that's more important than Titanic, even though Titanic made more money, is that The Hidden Fortress influenced Star Wars.
You know, like in The Hidden Fortress, in the beginning of the movie, they have an R2-D2-C-3PO, but they're samurais. But it's the same kind of like, you know what I mean in and the way it's shot like the panning when you see the scenes lucas took that from you know the kurosawa film the hidden fortress my point is is that it's titanic isn't an influential movie in terms of wow what look at all of these fucking awards.
Wow. Best original music screenplay, best picture, best director, best...
Holy fuck. When does it end? When does it end? When does it end? But dopey white dudes like you, look at me right now.
Look at me right now because you're... You know how I know you're a dopey jock, dude? You know bowl i love bowling i know but when we bowled and i saw your technique yeah you actually cared and you actually practiced your form the way you whip the spin the ball yeah and you did a thing and you turned around and you did like a hey you know i mean and i was just kind of you're a fucking asshole yeah for even doing that yeah because that means you spent time as a kid I remember I could imagine you as a kid with a coconut or something little coconut in the backyard you're a little Chicago Irish fucking you know what I mean yeah well there's always there's always coconuts laying around Chicago yeah go ahead coconut trees yeah whatever you you use okay okay yeah and you're like you could have said.
I put three holes in a potato. I bowled with it.
Then I fucked with it. Do I need to write your jokes for you? Okay.
So what? I'm bowling with coconut. Wow.
You're going to go there. Yeah.
Because you know what? You're mocking me and my like for bowling. I like it.
I'm not mocking you. I'm just telling you what kind of guy you are.
And I'm because you're so adamant about defending fucking Titanic. Because it's a great movie.
And you love to bowl.

And I love to bowl.

Guess what? And that's who you are.

I love Titanic and I love to bowl.

Hi, I'm Andrew Santino.

Welcome.

You're Bobby Lee.

You like Kurosawa and making your dick look like a clit.

That's who you are.

This is why it's working.

Okay?

Are we fine?

Don't make fun of Titanic or bowling anymore. You're going to be a terrible father.
That got serious. That got serious for a hot minute.
You're a terrible father. I'm going to be a good pup.
I'm going to be a good pup-pup. My nickname is going to be – I don't like daddy.
I don't like when girls say – when they call their father daddy, I think it's gross. I'm going to be called pup-pup or paps.
Did you see the documentary Trials of Gabriel Fernandez yet? I don't think I can watch it. Why? Because they beat the shit out of that kid.
They torture him. They feed him cat food, which is normal for you guys.
But they do all that stuff. They didn't feed him cat food.
They fed him cat litter with pee on it. So it's the woman and it's her son and it's her boyfriend and they just torture him.

Why?

For shits and giggles.

I don't know.

The real reason why is because

that they suspect

the kid to be gay.

Oh, is that really what it is?

Right.

See, now I definitely

don't want to watch.

This is so gross and sad.

Yeah.

The boyfriend admits

that he did it.

Doesn't care.

No, he cares.

He's on trial

and he just,

his defense is, I did it, but I didn't intend to kill him. What is that? How is it? That's like saying I beat someone to death but I didn't really mean to.
The logic for me is that every time you brutalize a boy, you know that death could be a consequence. A child by the way, not a boy.
It's an eight-year-old boy. Yeah, that's a little, little tiny boy.
Right. So the dude's on trial, right? And the jury, all of the jury is like, yeah, guilty.
Given the death penalty, yeah. Except for juror number seven, a Chinese man.
Oh, no. And he, this fool is like, I don't know, you know, from where I come from.
I swear to God. You know, I don't know if it was intent to kill because the thing is, I don't know his heart.

No way.

His heart could be, you know, dark and evil.

And I'm literally going, you Ching Chong!

Press the button, Ching Chong!

I'm literally fucking, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

But they finally flipped him.

They both got the death penalty, right? Well, yeah, I'm pretty sure one of the jurors goes, hey, Ching Chong, look at me. Right? I don't think they said that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Focus, right? We got to get a bigger gong.
Yeah, we have to get rid of the gong. We have to get rid of the gong.
I didn't put this in here, and I didn't put this in here. Did you put the gong there? Somebody did.
Somebody did. Oh, somebody, did.
No, he's pointing down there. He got it from down there.
No, he got you a gift over there. Oh, you did? What is it? Cereal? How do you not know what it is? How do you not understand this joke? George put this stuff in here as a bit.
He thinks this is, there I am. There I am on the box.
George, good one. See? Very good one.
Bobby, put it right there. It's fine.
There I am. This looks like we're sponsored by them.
Why do you guys like cloves so much? Clove cigarettes? No, like clovers. We don't like, what do you mean? We don't like them.
Yeah, you do. No, we don't.
What do you love green? Why do you guys like green? Because it's good. Ireland is green.
It's a very green country. There's a lot of places that are green.
You know what else is green? Fucking West Covina. No, it's not the same.
Do you want me to sign that? Let me sign the box. I don't want you to sign it.
It's not you. That is me.
He's more famous than you.

You want to go into fame?

Okay.

Let's do it.

That artificial person that's not even real, that was drawn, is more famous than you.

Seamus Charms?

I know who...

He's a very famous guy.

Yeah?

You know where he went to high school?

What?

Poway High.

He's in the Hall of Fame.

Good callback.

In fact, I'm going to fucking have everybody vote for Seamus Charms.

You guys, when the website goes back up, or Poway High, why don't you go have everybody vote for Seamus Charms you guys when the website goes back up or Poway High why don't you go ahead and vote for Seamus Charms Seamus Charms that's what I want I want the Seamus Lucky Charms guy to be voted on yeah George got all this fun stuff for you George got that he got this this is racist he got you the hat please watch the documentary I just don't think I can why cause I can't watch kids get abused dude that, dude. That fucks – that's gross.
They don't show up. You know what it is? No, but if the conversation is about the abuse, that fucked me up.
It's like those documentaries like Don't Fuck With Cats, right? That was another Netflix one that people were watching. God, I hated that.
Did you see that, George? No. Right? You learn – It's repulsive.
It's repulsive, but I feel like it's better to be knowledgeable about these incidences no i don't disagree to live in a dream like steak well it's not a dream i just don't want to know i want to live in a white dream like steak i don't want to know the extent in which they abuse this human because i think that's fucking disgusting they like what how much deep how much depth do i need to know other than what you told me that they abuse this so horrifically. Because the system is broken, right? Social workers and the – I know.
They didn't even do anything about it. I heard that.
That's what I'm saying is when you want – like I wasn't even aware of this. And now I'm aware of it.
And I know – and now if there's a campaign – there's a measure on a ballot, right, to like – I want to know what happened to us, but you can't tell me. Pearl Fernandez, the mother, who's just as guilty, but she copped, you know what I mean, a plea, a deal.
Yeah. So she's, but some other lady on Twitter, some girl was like, my mom's in prison with Pearl Fernandez at this women's prison.
Whoa. And she was saying that, yeah, Pearl Fernandez just gets beat down every fucking day.

Oh, great.

She can't go out in the yard.

Great.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, great.

Because you know what?

If all those women that are in prison, I bet you most of them are in for some bullshit,

not for child abuse.

Yeah, child abuse is the worst. You know, the thing about prison is if you touch her-

Were you molested?

Huh?

Was I molested? not no I was never were you molested? no I was never molested you act like you were you have an anger you act like you were molested I was molested I know so we don't act alike at all what do you mean you're the one who whips out your dick all the time and tucks it in your butt and does weird stuff. Molestation signs.
Me, you know. But you have some sort of like, you have anger issues.
I don't want people to think that we're not, this is about a fight. I don't want to fight.
We're not fighting. We're not fighting.
We're just discussing. But you seem like you were molested, is all I'm saying.
Break it down for me. How do you think I got molested? Well, because you have this anger.
But you don't have any anger and you were molested. So you're the happy case of molestation? Is that what it is? Well, there's different – people get molested.
They react differently to it. I was not molested, I promise.
Okay, were you beat? Probably. No, were you beat by your dad? No.
So you were never beat at all? I mean, we got hit, but like a normal kind of hit. Then what happened to you? Honestly? Yeah.
Now, be honest. I got molested.
I didn't get it. So I didn't.
What do you mean, what happened? The anger in me is just a part of – that's a symptom of who I am. I have just a hot – I run hot.
Oh, so it's like a genetic thing. I run hot.
Daddy runs hot. Did your dad run hot? We all run hot.
Did your dad run hot? Of course. So if I hung out with your dad for a weekend in Tahoe – He would never hang out with you and he would never go to Tahoe.
I would go to to Tahoe with your dad Do you want me to call him and see if he'd go to Tahoe with you? I mean but could you set it up That'd be a fun experiment Your dad and me One week in Tahoe You would never last He'd rage out on me? He'd rape you No you wouldn't He wouldn't rage out on you. I wouldn't annoy the fuck out of him.
You would annoy the fuck out of him. He'd have a stroke.
He would have a stroke. Yeah, yeah.
You would kill my father. Not with your own hands, but just your own mental volition.
Yeah, that. Yeah, yeah.
That would drive him nuts. Yeah.
I can't watch documentaries like that that make me sad. I did watch the McDonald's thing.
Is that good? Because I want to watch it. It's fine.
It's all about the scam of the monopoly pieces and that's that's fine to me it's not it's nothing that you're gonna go whoa it's not that big of a deal but you're but you are you are gonna go wow they could have done this in one you know i i don't know because of my trauma because of the way i was raised and because you know i've had to mention my dad again. He died.
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Not really, but like a prison dry shaver. You mean just like a razor? I used to make little nicks and it used to bleed.
and then i went to the store and i got like another one and didn't work that good but then when i started using this it's perfect it really is tell them more it's great i used to use it buzzer like i used one of those yeah and it nicked up my nut sack so bad and you when you bleed in the shower it's so sad but the first time i used um the electric trimmer from the lawnmower from them i'm telling you, you can get right up against your sack. It's not going to cut it.
It's incredible. When I'm telling you this is premium, I mean premium.
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90 minutes is a long time to shave your nuts. I don't know if your nuts are that big, but if they are, you can go the full 90 minutes.
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By the way, I saw your dad over at your brother's house that he had the box yeah your dad's ashes yeah so heavy it was so heavy it was so much the box yeah it was so heavy i have the other half is it heavy too yeah or is your box the same box i got with a fatty did your did your mom get any no she didn't want any ashes I don't want any of it. Don't give me no issue.
Yeah, yeah. It was the weirdest thing because it's like when he died and then we went to the funeral home or whatever.
We sat in this office. Yeah.
And like, what do you want to do? So we want to set up a – no, we just cremate him and just put him in the box. They want to put him in a coffin in the ground.
No, they wanted some sort of service. Do you want to do a service? And us three were like, no, just put them in the box.
Put them in the box. Put them in the fucking box.
And how much money do you want to spend? The cheapest box. There's like a Target bag that you can put your dad in? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe a Trader Joe's one, a really nicer one. Okay, yeah.
You could do that. But then the second step is the brown box that we got.
How much is it? Just so I know. But the engraving and then the actual photo on it costs a little money.
I saw that. Yeah.
How much? I don't know. It was like a grand.
How much does a dead dad cost? A grand maybe. A thousand.
Yeah. When you die soon, do you want to be cremated or do you want to be put in the ground I think I want a service I want to be in a coffin You want to be put in the earth Really? I don't see that for you I know you want a big show I know you like a big show But you want to be in the earth Creepy earth bugs Creepy crawling into your eyeballs.
Yeah, because if there was like some sort of apocalypse and like, you know, zombies came out of the ground. And you want to be able to come back.
Yeah, I want to be like, I want to come out. Can you imagine everyone's like, and then you pop out and you're like, hey, hey.
You tuck your dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You tuck your little dead dick. I would take my dick, yeah, as a zombie.
And you walk around with your little cock out, with your little zombie cock. I would never do that, yeah, yeah.
Someone's inside the house. Who is it? The zombies have broken in here.
They're trying to eat us, except for that one. He just wants to show us his weird penis.
Yeah. Did you like The Walking Dead? Sure.
I never saw one episode. I never saw one episode of The Walking Dead.
You know what made me angry about The Walking Dead, though? But I loved Zombieland.

The Korean dude.

Why?

Steven Yeun.

Because it was a role that you said you...

No, no, no.

He's a friend of mine.

Oh, okay.

I know.

Yeah, what made you mad about him, though?

He didn't make me mad.

Okay, what you said...

So in the show, he marries a white chick.

Boo.

Go ahead. And then I remember Ryan Seacrest on his radio show, he tried to go, that guy couldn't in real life date that girl.
Really? Yeah. And then he let it go because he realized that nobody else was on board of what he was saying.
That's really fucked up to say. It was fucked up to say.
What's his name again? What? Steven Yeun. Steven Yeun, by the way, I know him.
He's so cute. He's very handsome.
Good God. He's so handsome.
Jiminy Crickets. Look at him.
Jiminy Crickets. Is he good looking? Yeah, he's good looking.
Yeah, I would definitely hang out with Steve Yeun. Right.
Wow. He's a sexy guy.
He has that little kind of, he's got that cute, the little Asian mustache. The little non-threatening Asian hairs.
Like I do. Yeah, little non-threatening ones.
What do you mean non-threatening? You know, like, beards kind of make men look like men, and Asian beards just like, it just looks like cute and cartoony. Yeah, that's why I wouldn't make a good pioneer.
Do you know why? Because you would never last out in like a wagon? You would never – a pioneer like discovering new land? No, like Abe Lincoln. They had the Abe Lincoln.
So a president? What are you talking about? No, because remember Abe Lincoln grew up in the pioneer days where he – in a log cabin. Sure.
Right? And they had these gigantic beards. Mm-hmm.
I would look weird out there because I'd have have a full manchu you know what i mean yeah i'd have a full-on full manchu but don't wouldn't you love that you know because there'd be people like is he chopping wood or gonna kick me in the face you know why can't you just why couldn't you just you could just trim it up a little bit no it would just be look i think we would look weird i think i i honestly think if there were asians he's good looking he's cute there were asians in the pioneer days and the days where pioneers existed well in deadwood yeah like in western towns we had opium dens opium opium don't correct the way i talk because you got you got what i said opium dens opium dead there's opium dad dead dads there's opium dead dad opium dens there's a opium dead dad den in pasadena you can go to and just do opium because you're dead dad do you know that no 35 an hour stop doing that sorry um but look so that justin yoon guy is a cute guy steven yoon sorry. Sorry, whatever.
But he looks like this kid Justin Chone

that I know.

You know Justin Chone?

Yeah.

Yeah,

he kind of looks

a little different.

But this guy,

Seacrest said

couldn't date a white girl.

That's what

the discrepancy was?

Yes.

He couldn't get one?

No,

he goes,

he would,

in real life,

that guy wouldn't be able

to get that girl.

That's so fucked up.

The girl that was on the show

wasn't,

she was average.

She wasn't like, you know what I mean, stunning. What was her name? I don't the girl that was on the show wasn't she was average she wasn't like you know i mean stunning what was her name i don't even remember what was the show the walking dead one of the biggest hits of the last decade i didn't see it don't know anything about it yeah but um pretty good show is it really yeah the walking dead and it was walking dead uh what was his name again stephen yoon yeah stephen girlfriend? Yeah.
That's an easy way to check it out. Is that her? No, wife in the show.
Oh, it's wife on the show. Yeah.
Okay, where is she? There? No, this is all his wife in the real world. In real life, yeah, yeah.
That's the problem, that they're gonna show all all this stuff. Yeah, yeah.
There's him with the bat. I don't know.

I never saw The Walking Dead, but I know a lot of people liked it a lot.

Laura Cohan, is that her?

Yeah, that's her.

So now, you would, he could get her.

Okay.

I don't want to offend either of these people because I don't know them in the real world.

Okay, good.

But based on the photo photo they seem quite comparable

exactly yeah right so it's not it's not a stretch not even remotely yeah but fucking stupid ryan seacrest right yeah you know first of all he's just so white he's white right yeah and the thing is i want to have a message to ryan seacrest is that yeah we're here dear ryan seacrest Dear Ryan Seacrest.

Pop off, fat.

I'm misshapen.

You're not.

You're here. Dear Ryan Seacrest.
Dear Ryan Seacrest. Fat.
I'm misshapen. You're not a girl's wet dream.
Your body is probably average. I would say you're very average.
I'm pretty fat. You're not fat right now.
Okay. Yeah.
But I'm not like – but I – you wouldn't think that I would be able to kill it with women. That's not true.
Okay. Well, I have a message to Ryan Seacrest.
My message is that I've dated girls comparable to her or even hotter. That's right, Ryan.
And Ryan. And you fucks on the internet go, you only get girls because you do stand-up and you have money or whatever.

That's the whole reason why he did those things.

Why the fuck would I do this?

Was that for that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got no pussy when I was

23 years old. Zero.

None. I know your brother told me that he was a virgin

until he was 20.

Yeah, yeah. So none.
None.

And I go, I'm going to have to do something to figure it out. So I'll just go do stand-up.
That was why? Yeah. And then four months in, Jennifer Field.
There was a white girl named Jennifer Field. Jennifer Field.
Walks up to me. She goes, hey, you want to eat my pussy in my mom's house in Oceanside? I go, what? For free? Yeah, I want you to do it.
Jennifer Field. Where do you think she is now, by the way? Please don't Google her because she's probably...
Whoa. That's her.
No, she was white. This girl is white.
That's Jennifer Field. No, that's Asian.
Was she an actress? No, you're never going to find the Jennifer Field. This is the girl that said that to Bob white That's Jennifer Field She was an actress Was she an actress? No You're never going to find The Jennifer Field This is the girl That said that to Bob No no no That's not the girl This is the girl That said that to Bob Okay But my point is That she lived in Oceanside And I remember going Into her mom's closet And 69ing her You did? Yeah and I remember So check this out Wow So she's on top of me Like this Okay And.
And her cheeks are on my face like this. And I looked up at, I literally did this.
I looked up at the sky. And if God could, if there was a camera, you would just see tears.
Just tears. And I did a little wink to God.
To the Lord. And I go, thank you.
You think he was watching?

I'm pretty sure he was. You think God was watching you? Go down on Jennifer Fields.
I always thank God for things like that. Are you becoming more religious now? I believe in God, yeah.
You believe in God? Or you believe in a thing like God? Do you actually believe in God? I don't believe in Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ! Yeah, I believe in that we're all connected by energy and that there is some sort of loving, omnipotent, loving entity.
An omnipotent force. Yeah, force.
Before your dad died, did he pray? Was he big into God? My dad was completely atheist. See, they always say a man always finds God onbed.
Your dad had no, nothing like that. Well, my brother, I don't know why he did this, but my brother would take photos of my dad dying.
What? Why? Well, he goes. As he was dying? My dad was in hospice for seven days.
Your dad was Snapchatting your dad's death? Yeah, yeah. You know those photos where someone does a picture every single day? Your brother was doing the opposite.
I never showed you these photos. Oh, these are going to fucking boggle your mind.
I don't want to. Do I want to see them? Are they fucked up? It's so hard to see like that.
Like when people also, you know, when people. Did you look at your dad when after he was dead? I was in the room when he.
When he finally left. When he left.
Did your mom cry? Oh, God. Yeah, she was...
So look at this. But your brother spent a good chunk of time taking photos of your father as he passed away.
Oh my God, is this hard to look at. And your brother's crying and your mom is crying.
Yeah. Jesus, Bob.
This is sad. This is very sad.
Here's a funny one. Show you you a funny one i'll show you a funny one that's not i hope it's not like that it's not that's not funny yeah but then my mom goes my mom goes do my mom goes she goes put that put the phone here do the timer So you can be in the picture Yeah I go what Do the timer I go how many seconds 10 seconds Right And then the first time I did it The thing fell over Right right Right And then the second time I couldn't get around This like other thing That was in In the way Obst obstruction.
So then we did it like 10 times,

but then we finally got it.

Oh, Bob.

This is such a sad photo.

Oh, your poor mother.

Did your dad know that you guys were taking pictures?

Was he conscious enough?

He's dead here.

Oh, he's dead.

Holy shit, Bob.

Was he dead in the other one? Yeah.

You were taking iPhone pictures while your dad was dead? My mom wanted it. Dude, Korean people are so fucking weird.
That's so weird. That's wild.
Because what are you going to do with that photo? I sent it to Oliver and Kate Hudson. Why would you send that to Oliver and Kate Hudson? And they were like, don't ever send that again.
No shit. I didn't know.
I'm Korean. I know you guys do that.
Yeah, we do different things. You know what I mean? Death is a different thing.
But anyway, the week, two days before that, my brother was like, I'm just going to stay here. Like sleep in the room with him? Yeah.
As he was dying? Yeah. And like, all right.
Yeah. But all night long, he just took photos of him, like stages.
And I texted him back. I go, why is he doing that? And one of them was this, though.
My dad doing this. Look.
Stop. He did that.
That's so sad, Bob. Right.
So maybe there is a God thing. Okay, sure.
Maybe there is a God thing. But your father didn't believe in God, you said.
Yeah, but maybe – You think that was maybe – He's flying toward a – Oh, going towards the light? Maybe. You think so? Yeah, he was doing that.
I'm sorry. I'm being genuine with you.
Don't ever send people those photos ever again. That's an insane, that's like a literal insane thing to do.

No, it's insane. I'll tell you why.

Have you heard of Ram Dass?

I know Ram Dass. So Westerners have this skewed or different idea

about death, right? And Ram

Dass, you know,

when he was alive, he died in December, but

he loved being in the

presence of death because he's

being in the presence of truth. Because it's liberating.
It's like freeing. It's the most truthful thing that you can witness.
Okay. Right? And for me, I believe that my dad moved on to the next phase or the afterlife.
And I don't think that you view it as some sort of weird personal, you know what I mean, private thing that— I think death is kind of private.

It's not.

You don't think death is private?

No, it's truth.

So death is truth, but it's not private.

So should we parade around death a little bit more?

No, but I don't think that we should be shameful about it.

It's not shameful, but it's almost like God rests the dead type of shit where you're like,

when they're gone, they're gone.

Well, some countries, they have different ways of dealing with it.

They celebrate.

You know what I mean?

There's a party that goes on. Sometimes they have a party around the dead body.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So it's like – I don't like that.
Yeah, but that's your like angry Chicago. No, no, no.
Irish fucking lucky charms. I think most – Fucking pot of gold at the end of the rainbow fucking bullshit.
First of all, it's Seamus Charms who's in Poway Hall of Fame by the way most people if you don't do that again I really I was really adamant about this people are gonna vote for you I mean they're either gonna vote for you or Seamus there's one of the two we're gonna get in can I tell you a story real fast this is insane a guy at my Bakersfield show passed out because I think he was on too many edibles they said passed out in the middle of the fucking show and they had to turn on lights and i was like man what happened with the fucking lights and they said it was probably because he was they were like he was drunk but he was acting real weird so i was like he wasn't drunk he was fucking high and he passed out in the middle of the show slammed himself on the floor this this fucking poor dude and they had to turn on lights and drag him out in the middle of the show. And then, and then another weird thing, when I was in Atlanta, maybe Atlanta, was I just in, they tell people, you know, no cell phones, you know, all this shit, like no cell phones, all this, like don't, no recording, whatever, no pictures until after the show.
A grown man, adult male, they had to throw out because he was drunk on his phone, you know, like taking photos or fucking around. And out and he cried and he was bawling and I thought I'm not kidding from the stage I thought I was in my mind he was so distant and faint because it was up in the balcony I thought that's weird that's like a thing in my like I think I'm here it sounds like someone but it could be something outside a grown man was bawling because they were kicking him out of the show I know it broke my fucking heart he was crying yeah because he loves you i know i know what am i i didn't have anything to do with it he probably like saved all his money for two weeks i had nothing to do with it he's a huge whiskey ginger oh fuck you whiskey ginger fan yeah no either way i'm sorry i feel bad and he like probably i don't know why he likes whiskey ginger but he's like i love whiskey ginger so much yeah yeah and then he's just like being torn out of there i had nothing to do with that and he's going i didn't dude i didn't throw the guy out i feel bad for the poor guy i feel like they told me the security guard was like laughing about his big dude he yeah, he's fucking crying like a bitch.
Yeah. And I was like, oh, okay.
At a comedy club, what do you, okay, so let me ask you something. I felt bad.
If they were, if they're, if the club is rude to you, what do you do? What do you mean? Like, I'll give you an example. If the manager treats me like shit.
I was in Seattle once and when I walked. Parlor? Yeah, at the parlor.
Yeah. And I did a show, a couple of shows already that, you know, I did a show Thursday.

I did first show Friday.

It's not there anymore, is it?

It's not.

It shut down.

And in the second show, in between shows, I took like a 20-minute nap because I was really tired.

I've done that, yeah.

And then I came back to the second show and the doorman wouldn't let me in.

To your own show?

Yeah.

Because he was like, I don't know who you are, bro.

He goes, yo, man, we're all sold out. It's me.
No, I didn't do that. I just walked in the club.
And then did they get into a fight with you? He, as I'm walking forward, he walked in front of me and started walking backwards like, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. Why don't you just say, it's me, I'm the guy.
You think he should know. Is that what that is? I don't know.
If you're at a comedy club. He's a security guard.
He doesn't fucking care. He's getting paid fucking eight bucks an hour to make sure drunk people don't throw shit at you.
So you would have just said. I would have gone, hey, I'm the guy.
Nice to meet you. I'm Andrew.
What fucking. He doesn't care.
That's what I should have done. That guy doesn't fucking care.
I fucked it up. You know what? He probably hates comedy.
He probably is just like, fuck comedy. I have to listen to these fucking jack-ups.
The same thing happened at the Helium in Portland. They had a little girl that was reading a book.
During the show? No, she was a book. She was the door woman.
Oh. And as I walked in, she goes, ID.
I love that. And I go, my ID? Yeah, I'm Bobby Lee.
ID. She needs to know you're of age.
So I had to fucking pull out my ID to go to my own fucking show. Yeah, but you know what I mean? You sold out the show.
You don't take that personally. Here's the thing.
Why do I care if that guy knows who I am or not? The people in the room all are there to see you. I don't care that the fucking security guard is like, I don't know you, bro.
Fine, dog. Nice to meet you, bud.
I'm going to go play a sold out show for my fans. Sorry, you don't know me.
I don't know. You know what I mean? So you weren't molested.
I was not. Yeah, that's right.
That's that's the difference. Because a molester goes, you got to know who I am.
Yeah, that's the difference. Right.
Yeah. When you don't get molested, you're fine.
I want to tell you one quick thing, too, that do we do enough? We did, but this blew my mind. I want to tell you something.

Hold on.

I'm sitting on the plane.

I'm going from the plane from Detroit to Atlanta.

The woman sees me on my website checking the dates because my fucking dates were wrong.

It was going to wrong pages.

So I'm kind of scrambling. I'm texting someone.
I'm like, hey, man these pages are not happening. Like something's wrong.
It's sending people to the wrong page. And she's staring over my phone.
I can fucking feel her looking at my phone, you know? And I'm kind of getting annoyed. I'm like turning a little bit and then she goes, you a musician? No.
I go, no, I'm not a musician. I'm a performer.
I'm not a musician. Oh, what kind of performer? I just do a live performance readings.
I do art readings. I read art readings.
I'm trying as hard as I can to get out of it. She goes, hmm.
She sees me with a microphone because that's my fuck. She goes, are you a comedian? I go yes at some point yes

this is how you're reacting too?

I think you're a little nicer right?

no because I'm feeling

it's so invasive

why are you fucking looking at my phone?

that's insanely invasive

it wasn't organic at all

and then she goes

I'm not making this up

I love comedy

I go oh yeah okay Who do you like? She goes, there's a white lady and there's a black guy to my left. Okay? Black guy to my left, white woman on my right going to Atlanta.
If anybody knows Atlanta, yeah, very diverse, right? A lot of black people. This woman's going to Atlanta.
She goes, Bill Cosby. I go caught bill cosby and i go oh okay and then she goes yeah i like i like i think he's he phenomenal and i go yeah yeah bill was very good comic it turns out he's a piece of shit and she goes what like this yeah i'm not kidding what i know, he raped women.
I mean, he raped a lot of women. He got caught raping women.
I'm not joking even a little bit. Yeah.
Well, you know why I liked him? Because he told blacks to stop complaining and lift themselves up by their bootstraps. Black out of my left.
I'm in the middle. Black guy hears it for sure.
I'm sitting there begging for the plane to crash. Please crash.
I was like, please hit a bump and let's fucking tumble to the earth. Oh my.
She goes, blacks? He told blacks to stop complaining and lift themselves up by their bootstraps. That's what she said.
And by the way, I have a black guy to my left who now thinks I'm buds with her.

I'm white, so...

Right away, he's like,

oh, this motherfucker's...

Oh, my God.

So here's me.

What do you say in that situation?

I had to go,

uh, I don't know, you know,

I'm not a huge...

I don't...

Not a...

You know,

I should have pulled out a gun

and shot my own fucking head.

There was no way out of it.

Yeah, and the black guy,

I can feel his energy.

I can feel him going,

huh, is that how you feel too?

There's no way for me...

Thank you. I should have pulled out a gun and shot my own fucking head.
There was no way out of it. Yeah, and the black guy, I can feel his energy.
I can feel him going, huh, is that how you feel too? There's no way for me, I'm at a loss. I can't defend that.
No, you say this. Say it to me.
Well, I like Bill Cosby because. Why do you like him? Well, because he told blacks to stop complaining and to lift themselves up by the bootstraps.
Yeah. That's what you did.
Yeah, I should have played right into it. Yeah, you played right into it.
I know, I didn't do it. That's right.
She made me so fucking uncomfortable. Did you give her a swastika pen? Huh? A pen.
Well, when I said goodbye, I said, take it easy. Yeah.
It was insane. It was such an uncomfortable fuck.
I hate being put in those situations. I know.
That's why I don't want to tell someone that you're a comic in public. I in public.
That's why I don't. Yeah, but when they put a gun to you and it's like they want to know, it's hard.
Like the guy, another guy on the way to Detroit, I got a snack thing, a protein box. And he goes, I paid for it.
And I was like, oh, why? And he goes, pay it forward, man man i think it's a cool thing to buy people stuff on planes i go well thank you but then i realize that's him sinking the bait now he gets to talk to me the whole fucking time oh i'm on my ipad yeah this is me i had to do this the whole time watching a movie yeah i do this but what's up all the time yeah i had to take off my fucking Go what's up? And then he would ask some question About what I'm watching And then I'd go Oh it's um Love is blind It's love is blind on Netflix And he's like Oh okay And I'm like okay Alright And then I would watch it again And no shit again What's up? Yeah yeah yeah No I don't want to drink I don't want to drink Thank you That why you wear i put the sleepy mask on i know i put the earphones on you're gone i lean i'm not even asleep no no you just disappear i'm not even asleep i'll just out my eyes open with the mask on and just six hours and just stare in the darkness yeah but it's because it's better than that thing it's better than talking to people. I want to talk to you about the guy that you had me open for me.
Who? You requested your friend. Are you going to talk shit? No.
He was great. Yeah, he's phenomenal.
What's his name? Matt Lockwood. Yeah, yeah.
Matt Lockwood's a great comic. He did a whole weekend with me.
Well, he went to San Jose with you. Yeah, he did a whole weekend.
And his family was there, right? Yeah, and I had to do the thing. His mom and his dad.
You had you had to do the thing didn't you i had to do i because i wear two different masks i have the dirty guy right here you know i mean the real authentic the real deal but then i can do a real suburban how are you oh your your son you raised him so well that's really not but that's what i did you should that though and they're like oh yeah I think yeah because one day they're gonna be gone yeah and they'll remember you as that nice kid who just did the right thing by them by just saying hey how's it going instead of being like hey you wanna see my dick no of course I know when to do that I know when to pull my dick out and how did he do he did He did great. Although it was funny because the first show, the host was really good.
The local host in San Jose. He's from San Francisco.
His name is Mark Smalls. He's really good.
Nikki Glaser uses him. Oh, I know who he is.
Yeah, he's very funny. I've heard his name before.
Yeah. So he was killing it.
Yeah. So me and Lockwood were backstage and he was a little nervous.
He was likeally saying to you you could see he was nervous you could feel it he was pacing he's like I got this I got this and I go you're gonna eat it dude you asshole right in his eyes why would you say that to that guy and he goes what do you mean I go I don't know man like Robert Hartman's here he's not there no just cause I know he's not yeah. But I'm telling him people that are there.
Just to make him nervous. Yeah.
Honestly, dude, I go, if you don't do well, you might not do the next other shows. This is the first show? That's the first show.
You're an asshole. And you can just see the sweat in his eyes vibrating.
And so then he gets up on stage and me and the manager, I go, come on, let's go on. Let's go watch him fail.
So we're in the audience, right? And you could see him on stage kind of eating it. No.
Yeah, a little bit. Like he struggled in the beginning.
Now he uses what I'm doing in the back. You know what I mean? Just like tears.
I'm having a great time, right? And the manager's like, we're having a good time. But then five or six minutes in, I could see him gain composure.
The rhythm, composure the rhythm yeah and then I was just like alright I'll go to the green room cause he did well yeah that's good see you take my suggestions but then we went to get tacos just real quick cause you said the thing and then we sat there and tacos and I had to do the whole how do you this girl comes in how do I know you Oh. I don't know.
Wait. You've been in movies, right? Mm-hmm.
And I'm like, yeah. She's like, hangover? Yeah.
And I go... Yes.
No. Yeah, you were the guy in the trunk in Hangover.
Right? Okay, stop, Bob. Come on.
Bob. Let's end it.
Bob. We end it.
We end it. We end it.
Bob Bob come say goodbye come here let's just end it stop she says you're in the hangover and you go obviously not because now everything I'm going to say after that that was the laugh what you just did was how we should close the show. Look at me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Yeah.

Tell the rest of the story.

I won't.

She goes.

No, no.

I know what you're trying to do.

Just end it.

Look in the camera. Can you get me a napkin?

Look in the camera.

Yeah.

And one, two, three.