Shoot The TV

Business taxes. We're stressing about all the time and all the money you spent on your taxes.

This is my bill?

Now Business Taxes is a TurboTax small business expert who does your taxes for you

and offers year-round advice at no additional cost so you can keep more money in your business.

Now this is taxes. Intuit TurboTax.

Get an expert now on TurboTax.com slash business.. Intuit TurboTax.
Get an expert now

on TurboTax.com

slash business.

Only available

with TurboTax Live

full service.

So get your tickets

to see Bobby Lee Live

at BobbyLeeLive.com.

Don't say you.

It's you.

Do it.

Get your tickets

to see me

at BobbyLeeLive.com

and my dates

are coming up.

What are they, Bob?

Don't tell me

what to do but I'll tell you what they are. Denver Comedy Works.
You deserve it. March 12th through the 14th.
Are you downtown? Yeah. Larimer Square is the best.
I've been there before. How many shows are you doing? Just five.
Oh, I did six. Yeah, they wanted to do seven, but I said no.
They wanted to do 13 for me, but I said it's an unlucky number. Let's do 17.
I'm going to do Houston, Texas, the Houston Improv, March 27th through the 29th. Dallas, Texas at the Addison Improv, April 3rd through the 5th.
And I'm going to be at San Diego, California at the American Comedy Club at April 30th through May 2nd. All right.
What's yours, friend? Come see me on the Red Rocket Tour. Go to andrewsantino.com for tickets.
I'm in Philly 6th and 7th at the punchline in chicago march 13th at talia hall then i'm at mohegan sun

march 19th and 21 and then i'm in uh cincinnati march 27th and then i'm in cleveland march 28th

oh and then and then on the 29th i'll be in houston for skank fest you're gonna be in houston

and the same time you have to come over and say hi are you i'm gonna really be in seriously

See you next week. and then on the 29th, I'll be in Houston for Skank Fest.
You're going to be in Houston,

and at the same time,

you have to come over and say hi.

Am I going to really be in the...

Seriously.

Really?

You're going to be in Houston

at the same time.

You have to come say hi.

Okay, we'll have dinner or something.

Perfect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come see us.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude.

I'm an Asian dude.

You guys are weird.

Andrew looking good.

Have you seen a Korean guy around here? Who, Bobby? You two are sociopaths. You two are disgusting.
You guys are nuts. You guys are sick.
You two are wholesome and decent. Oh, good.
You two are back together. You guys are freaks.
You are a bad friend. You two are dangerous when you're recording me.
You guys are gross. Oh, you two are I can't help that all Koreans Bong Joon Ho Ladies and gentlemen Bobby Reed I can't help it Bong Joon Ho That's it Don't do it Bobby don't do it Don't do it.
I swear to fucking God. Bobby, don't do it.
All right. You want to fuck? Don't do that.
You want to fuck around? Don't point it at me. What did? Stop doing bonjour.
All right. Okay.
Stop it. I can't help it that Koreans are big headed.
Huge. Yeah, yeah.
Very melanite. What size hat do you have? Like a nine and four quarters? No, I have to get like a tailor to my hat.
No. Yeah.
If I go to like Lids. You don't go to Lids.
Yeah, yeah. They have to get that trash can.
And they put the trash can on my head. Yeah.
And then they just build the fucking, you know, the opening of a trash can. Like if you got a bowl cut, they would have to use like a fucking, one of those huge salad bowls to cut your head.
Yay. Did you have a bowl cut when you were a kid? There's only two styles back then for koreans what was it bowl cut and just cut fucking monk it out shave it down shave it down yeah yeah what do you know about this is real i run in the neighborhood can i tell you what's going on with me yeah my neck really hurts by the way i have a sore I may have the corona.
But I'll tell you what happened to me.

Your corona virus?

Corona.

What happened?

I had a rough two weeks, guys.

Yeah.

Oh, congratulations on Curb, by the way.

You were really good on it.

You didn't see it.

It didn't even come out yet.

I mean, it came out.

But you didn't see it.

You were good on it.

You didn't see it.

Yes, I did.

You liked it?

Yeah, it was really good.

Really funny.

What was your favorite line of mine? I don't memorize lines even. I've seen A Good Few Men.
A Few Good Men? Yeah, and A Good Few Men, and then they A Good Few Men, and then, you know how they quote that movie? I don't know any of the quotes. But I've seen the movie like a thousand times.

Give me any movie quote that you remember then.

Are you looking at me?

Is that what you're looking at?

What is that?

What movie could that be?

Taxi Driver.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, I don't know what. Hey, I'm walking here.
I'm walking here? I'm walking here I'm walking here I'm walking here here's yeah at midnight and then I got so many quotes actually but you saw my curb episode and you thought it was really good you're really good at it I thank you for that tell everyone where we were for the separation that we were apart for a while where'd you go so I went to Hawaii that. Yeah.
Tell everyone where we were for the separation that we were apart for a while. Where'd you go? So I went to Hawaii and...
Again. Yeah.
And I had a real traumatic experience there, to be honest with you, to be real. Then say it.
Well, I show up to... So I'm doing Magnum PI.
Mm-hmm. And the director is Robocop.
The guy who was in the fucking... The Robocop? The real Robocop.
He was the director? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's that guy's name? Peter Weller.
Whoa. Peter Weller Robocop.
So I come up to him in the early morning. I didn't know he was directing.
I thought he was guest starring, so I see him in the morning and I go, Oh my God. I'm a big fan of yours.
I'm a big fan of yours too as well, is what he said. Yeah.
That sounds nice. Like at 5 in the morning.
There he is, Peter Weller. Right.
That was him. So then I show up on set, and he comes up to me, and we haven't shot anything yet.
And he goes, don't fuck this up. Joking around.
I don't know. Obviously joking around.
Yeah, well, to me, it didn't sound. And then he walked away and he went, eent, eent, eent.
You know what I mean? I was like, what the fuck he is? You know what I mean? Eent, eent, eent. Yeah, and then he goes, this is how he gives notes.
What are you doing? More energy. He does it like RoboCop.
Yeah, and he goes, inch, inch, right? And then he goes... Bobby, more energy.
No. Yeah, yeah, that time.
Yeah. Bob, Bob, I'm hungry.
But then by the last day of shooting, I had this one line I just could not comprehend. I can't even say the line now.
What do you mean? It was a line in the script I couldn't say. In terms of what? It was just hard to say.
It was hard to do? Yeah. What do you think? It was in the middle of a bunch of things I had to say, and I just couldn't remember what it was.
And then all night long, he's like, he would just make fun of me. He'd just be like, this kid right here can't even memorize one line.
Shut up in front of everybody oh yeah yeah and this is after you've wrapped this is during the last day you know this is the last day oh what the fuck on set in front of people was like yeah i mean people you know he's he is you know he's obviously joking around yeah but it was but to me um it's just not fun it just puts a lot of like added – because I'm not even getting that much money for it.

And I'm doing it because I love the leads in it and stuff.

It's fun to do.

But he's a guest director.

He's not every episode.

No, every week.

Yeah.

So every week is somebody different.

So then that happened and then I flew my mom to Maui.

And Stevie, right?

My brother Steve, yeah.

Yeah. And then yesterday, yeah.
What? It came down. I made her cry.
Why? My mom. My mom cried in my bedroom.
I know. Why did you make her cry? BTS.
Backstreet? No, no, no. Because of BTS, man.
You know what BTS is? Behind the Shield? No, no. It's the biggest pop group on earth.
Oh, they're K-pop stars. Yeah.
I know who they are. Yeah, yeah.
I know who they are. ATF? No, no, no.
Those are the ones that killed the people in Waco. That's what ATF is.
Wait, BTS. This is them is them yeah the biggest boy band in the world the biggest K-pop band literally in the world and they are all so fucking hot yeah look at how that's a are these all boys yeah that's a girl yeah that's a hot boy yeah I would fuck every one of them in their buttholes can I tell you the one that I wouldn't this one I one.
I don't like his look. No, that was the one, yeah.
That was the one that like barely got in. He auditioned 50 times.
We need somebody. How about Oguro? And they're like, we don't he can't sing nothing.
You know what I mean? Boy, he'll just be in the background. He's in the background.
They don't even tell him where the camera is. He's looking this way.
He just, you know, he finds out from the other guys when the photo shoots are. They don't call him directly.
No, he has to get text. Yeah, taco, taco, taco, tanaka.
Tanaka. Taco, tanaka.
Yeah, yeah, Wingo. That's his name, Wingo.
Yeah, Wingo. We have a photo shoot right now.
They didn't tell me.

Right?

And he has to run.

They won't even pick him up.

He has to run with his little yellow legs.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm your guy.

Oh, look, look.

He might be blind.

They're all looking at the camera.

He's blind.

Well, they're Asian.

That's rude.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You know what I mean.

He's looking the wrong way.

Don't do eye jokes now.

But my friend.

It wasn't.

I know.

So.

What are their names, by the way?

Can you name one of them real quick?

No, I have no idea who they are.

Let's go through their names.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's look through their names. Yeah, yeah.
Let's learn who they are. Yeah.
Well, let me... Can I tell you the story first and then we'll learn? Nah, nah.
I want to know who they are. Oh, do you know what that BTS stands for? What? The Korean expression, Bangtan Sionadin...
How do you say this? Bangtan Sionadin... Bangtan Sionaden.
It literally means bulletproof Boy Scouts. Yeah.
That's what they are. Shoot one.
Fucking shoot one. Do that.
Shoot George. If you're going to shoot somebody, shoot George.
All right. I will Virginia Tech this place up, brah.
How about this? How about this? Let's's say you're gonna give George a raise if you can shoot him every week that was a bad joke by the way that was so dark yeah that was very black I skipped right over it George is gonna get a raise if he can shoot you every week would that be worth it every week he shoots you one time in any body part he chooses but you get a raise every every week. Chung Sung Wee.
Until you basically own the show.

You know who that is?

Yeah.

Chung Sung Wee?

Chung Sung Wee.

That's his name, right?

The guy that shot up Virginia Tech.

Oh, my God.

I don't want to talk about that shit.

I have to talk about it.

No, let's talk about BTS.

I want to talk about BTS, but I want to talk about him, too.

I want to talk about BTS real fast.

All right, go ahead.

Can I tell you what happened, though? You fuck.

Here we go.

Clockwise from left.

Here's their names.

Okay.

One's just named the letter V. Really? Yeah.
Kim Taehyung, also known by his stage name V, South Korean singer. Then there's J-Hope.
Yeah. Better known.
Cutie. Oh, that's Jungho Seok.
Yeah, he's cute. Let's rake them.
Yeah, okay. Let's give him, okay, let's give him a go with the V first.
V is. That's the ugly one.
I'm going gonna give him a 3 I just can't do it with him yeah yeah he's got too many gaps in his teeth J-Hope hot yeah an 8 that's an 8 or a 9 8 or 9 RM ooh wow you know they take good pictures of him that's Kim Nam-Joon of course everybody knows him as RM yeah I'll give him a 6 five and a half six then jim himself everyone oh ten kim seok jin is is the shit yeah he's a 10 10 10 i would he'd suck my how do you say 10 in korean 10 and then jimin is uh oh shit you know what you know i like uh but this is park jimin everyone knows park is is someone who's – and the photo says it all. Cute and flirty, and I love sugary cereal.
He's a cute guy. He's cute, yeah.
I like him. And then who do we got left? We have five more.
Jungkook. Yeah, Jungkook.
Oh, beautiful. That's a villain in a movie, huh? This actually looks like if you Photoshopped – you know if someone did like a de-aging thing on you.
Yeah. That could be – that you when you're a little boy that looks like you maybe he's the type of guy that like at a party he comes out naked and they think that he's doing the um buffalo bill thing where he's tucking his dick around yeah the mangina and people are like stop doing that he's like i'm not doing it and last is suga or uh that's a good one too min y Gi Is it Gi or Gi? Gi I don't fucking know bro Dude you speak it I don't Barely You speak it enough I've heard you say it So anyway Can I tell you what happened? So BTS Let me fucking tell you what happened So my mom and I My mom you know Maybe a couple years ago Papi goes, Papi, I want to watch all your iTunes movies.
She wants to watch all your iTunes movies. Yeah, yeah.
And I like Elton John, so I want to listen to all the music you have on your – So I go, easy, mom. Let's just link up our fucking phones, right? So you can have my iTunes account, whatever, right? Got it.
But so during this – so I fly my mom because my dad died, remember, in August. So I decided to, like, try to do things with my mom.
And so I wanted to take her to Maui and do all the – road to Hana and do all the shit, right? And so she would be like, hey, my mom, we're going to go. She's like, I'm tired.
She would say. Again, we would have the day planned.
My back home, I'm tired. She probably was tired and in pain.
No, she wasn't. And so we'd go, all right, we're leaving without you.
So we'd left. And so on my phone, and this is not an exaggeration because Kalilah and my brother counted, probably 10,000 BTS screenshots, right? On my phone.
From every time she was just screenshotting pictures of them? Yes. Right? So now I have to delete.
Like, you're just deleting thousands of times. Of course.
And when you delete them, she would add another thousand.

Wait, why was she – was she doing it on accident?

Does she not know she's screenshotting?

No, no, no, no, purposely.

So basically her back hurts, right?

But that's not what it is.

No.

She's just sitting in the hotel room, screen – she's obsessed because when we – on her Christmas, all she wanted was BTS photos and posters and shirts and

memorabilia. Yeah?

Did you get that for her? Oh yeah.

Can you get her to a show?

No, she's done.

Why? She's fucking done with it!

She's done with the fucking BTS!

It's crazy, it's weird,

and we're not doing it anymore. What's weird about it?

She's lonely, she's an older woman, she finds a lot of joy in these young little Korean boys. What's wrong with that? Because she says shit like, how come you don't look like this? You know what I mean? You know when she says that? Yeah.
Hold up a mirror to her and just go, this is why. Well, actually, my mom, if you look at my mom.
Actually, your mom is attractive. In her 40s and 30s and stuff, she was hot as fuck.
I know. And your dad was? Ugly.
A shoe. Your father looked like? My dad was like, you know, they laid him down on his back, and they just said, run over nine steamrollers over his face, like the big construction guy.
That's what my dad looked like. I thought you said when he passed away, they laid him on his stomach because they didn't want anybody to see him.
Yeah. He was an ugly fucker.
In fact, even as a kid, I remember. Who looks more like – does Stevie look more like your mom? It's a combination, but people say my brother looks more like my mom, yeah.
Yeah, because you don't really look like your mom that much. No, no, no.
They say that I lean toward my dad a little bit. I don't think you do.
I think you're a handsome young man. Okay.
So what happened? So anyway, so all day long, I'm like deleting thousands of BTS things. Yeah.
And I can't come home and I go to the hotel room and I knock, I open it, like just fucking Clint Eastwood, you know, the good, the bad and ugly. And I was just like, this has to stop.
She goes, what did I do? Right? I i do right i go you every all you that's all you do is lay down in bed and screenshot bts things and i know she masturbates to them no she doesn't she does no she does she she her little old yellow coochie she just you know i wish my son looked like this you know what i mean yeah you're right right. Yeah.
So I go – Like when you stir mac and cheese. And then she goes, but – She goes, but I'm lonely.
Oh, Bob. I go, I don't give a fuck.
Bob. Yeah, yeah, right? She's lonely.
I don't give a fuck. So then I go – And then I go, it has to stop.
It's an addiction. It's fucking weird.

You know what I mean?

And then she lays on the bed and she puts her jacket over her head.

And I can just see this.

Why are you laughing?

I just see this on the bed.

I go, what's going on, mom?

And my brother takes the jacket off and she's just crying.

Oh, no.

I thought she was laughing.

No, no, no.

She goes, I'm not hurting anybody. That's right.
She's not. I know she's not.
You're so mean. I'm the worst.
Why did you do that to her? Because I had to fucking all day long delete. Ask Kalilah to do it.
She knows that she can. We would hand the phone in the fucking car.
I go, you do a thousand. She just would keep doing it it and then you would finish it yeah and there would be another fucking thousand then get her her own uh her own iCloud and then just pay for it so it's not that's what we did yeah after all the pictures were taken yeah but then what enraged me is is that my fucking ipad is linked to so i haven't even started with the ipad i probably have 20 000 bts and i have to look at their fucking stupid faces and erase them i love them i don't know why you don't like them i think we should get your mom tickets to see bts live can we do that well only if we get backstage can't do you think we have access to something like that bts who are you with agency wise UTA.
Okay. Look at, there they are right there.
Here we go. Seoul, South Korea.

Seoul, Korea. The motherland.
Santa Clara. So that's up in San Francisco.
Yeah. Pasadena, May 2nd.
Let's buy her these tickets. Pasadena, May 2nd.
They're going to be here? Look on the screen right there. May 2nd.
Rose Bowl, Pasadena, May 2nd. I've got to see who they're rep by.
Or Sunday, May 3rd.

Okay, we're going.

Me and you and your mom.

Okay, we'll go.

Can we go for real?

We can go for sure.

I'm going to go.

But we have to get – anyone listening to Bad Friends, hopefully this is out by the time the show starts.

Yeah, this will be out.

Okay, so anyone listening to me right now, and if you have anything to do with BTS or have any kind of connections, my mom is obsessed with them.

Obsessed.

And I wouldn't be able to take her there if we have, like, shit seats.

So we would love backstage passes and just a meet and greet.

Please.

And that would, like, be my mom.

My mom's really old.

She's almost 80.

And it would – she might rape them.

So?

Yeah, it's fine. Don't you think they'd be into that? I think they'd be into it.
But my mom is a huge fan. So May 2nd or 3rd, if anybody has any kind of hookup for BTS, we're dead serious.
This would mean the world to Bobby's mother to take her because she is lonely and Bobby is restrictive over her fun. Look at that, dude.
Look at how cute and fun they are.

But you know there's an epidemic going on, right?

What do you mean?

Last year, I think about five or six old K-pop stars

have killed themselves.

Shut up.

Yeah, so what happens is these kids go through the system, right?

Yeah.

Where they're like on fire, they're hot,

because it's all just, you know, manufactured.

It's some executive going, I'll take this gook, this gook, this can't – they're pretty – and then we'll put them together. We'll write songs for them.
Wow. And then what happens is when they're 23, 24, they get shot out of the system, and then they don't know what to do with their lives.
Two of them actually last year got charged with gang rape.

Not BTS, but ex-K-pop pop stars.

I would love BTS way more

if they were gang rapists.

Yeah, yeah.

Look at this K-pop singer,

Guhara found dead, age 28.

Yeah.

So they're killing themselves.

All these people just commit suicide

when they're not famous anymore.

Yeah, yeah.

God, I wish some people

in Hollywood would do that.

That's so sad. I'm kidding.
You know what? I just saw something. I'm fucking kidding.
I saw the saddest thing. I saw Vince Neil do a cameo.
What do you mean Vince? Oh, the singer Vince Neil. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. And he's like, he's like.
There's another one, Dave. Hey, Toby.
It's me, Vince Neil. Happy birthday.
Johnny Taco Time Rodriguez sent you this. You know, I love tacos.
Anyway, it's me, Vince Neil. Happy birthday, dude.
What's wrong with that? It's just so sad. So what? Do you do those things? Are you out of your mind? They approached me.
I was just like, what am I going to charge? $10? Cameo. How much do you think Vince Neal charges? $400.
Shut up.

Yeah.

$400 for fucking one happy birthday?

Yeah.

Shut up.

Yeah.

That's what it said.

How do I find out?

Here we go.

Let's see.

Let's see.

How much they are.

Vince Neal.

Vince Neal.

Vince Neal.

There we go.

Motley, Motley Crue Singer.

$400.

Book right now.

Don't book it.

Please don't book it. Can we hear what he said? I'll get get back a request for you or anybody you love or maybe not even love.
So give me a shout. See ya.
What? You don't find that to be sad? Hey, I'm Vince New from Motley Crue. Hey, give me a shout out.
I'll get back a request for you or anybody you love. I used to sell out stadiums.
Yeah, but $400. Give me another celebrity.
See what they're charging. Let's pick somebody.
Let's pick someone. Who do you think? Let's see if Ahmed Ahmed is on that.
Is Ahmed Ahmed on it? Yeah. He is? Yeah.
How much is he charging? $25. $25.
Hey, all you people out there on camera. I don't know why it's not working now.
What it was shout outs to your friends, family, co-workers happy birthday, happy anniversaries congratulatory messages anything you want happy to do it and hope to hear from you guys soon someone should just be crying who would really fun? How about Drake? I think that said Drake. There's no way, Drake.
There's no way, Drake. Please, Drake.
No. Those guys aren't going to...
You're on fire? I think this is for people that are like on their way out. Like us.
On their way out. Look at how many people said Bobby Bobby Lee.
No. No, I wouldn't do it.

I didn't sign up.

Who else do you want to see

that's on here?

Let's see if Theo's on it.

Is D'Elia on here?

No, there's no way.

No.

Yeah, Theo Vaughn.

No, Theo's not on here.

Hey, man, what's up, dude?

Happy birthday, dude.

I heard about your dad is sick.

Oh, there's Brian Poussain.

We know him.

He's a comedian.

Let's see how much Brian's

charging.

75.

Hey, I'm Brian Poussain. Actor, comedian.
I played Bert on Big Bang Theory. People seem to like that show, especially.
Okay. Yeah.
We should do one as a cross thing. I will do one together with you.
I'm dead serious. How much are we going to charge though? Ten grand? No, how much?

500. Let's do five.
Let's just see

if anyone does 500. How about

1,000? No one does 1,000.

There's no way you can do 1,000. I'm sure there is.

I'm sure Godfrey, what does Gilbert charge?

Gilbert charges $1.50.

Okay, I think we can go 200.

Oh, this is Jim Norton's character.

Chip Chipperson, and he charges $69.

See, this could be funny when you do a character.

Valentine's Day is fast

approaching. You're dating a

Thank you. this is this is Jim Norton's character Chip Chipperson and he charges $69 see this could be funny when you do a character yeah Valentine's Day is fast approaching you're dating a piece of garbage you don't want to buy her chocolates because she's fat you don't want to buy him flowers because he's afraid it's gonna make him gay so the best thing you can give how about a Valentine's Day wish from Chip Chipperson relax I'll make the pig feel a lot better see that's that's hilarious that's the way to go yeah yeah here you go filter price let's do the most let's do 500 it says is the most yeah let's do only 500s then here yeah yeah minimum 500 I want to see who only the 500s are.
Okay.

Chris Harrison from The Bachelor.

Uh-huh.

Kevin O'Brien. Minimum $500.
I want to see who only the $500s are.

Okay.

Chris Harrison from The Bachelor.

Kevin O'Leary from $1,200.

Kevin O'Leary, the fucking Shark Tank guy.

Oh, wow.

$1,200.

Wow.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is $500.

Marshall Falk, $500.

Wow.

$795.

What a weird price.

Just be fucking $800, Jordan Belfort.

Asshole. Do you know who Jordan Belfort is, right? No.
That's the Wolf of Wall Street. That's who the movie's based on.
Oh. That's him.
The cokehead king. Go, go, go, go, go.
Dick Van Dyke? Oh, no, Dick. I know.
Oh. Oh, no.
Hi, I'm Dick Van Dyke, the older version. You know, I'm with Cameo now.
So if you'd like me to send a message to a friend, you know, tell them you love them, or happy birthday, happy Valentine's Day. Yeah.
Or, you know, maybe just good wishes. Tell them you're thinking of them.
Tell me what you want me to say, and I'll do it. Okay.
This is me. He's a legend.
He's a legend. How about this, though? I do want to hear.
I do want to hear It's really funny Because when they talk You could just talk over them Rap Report Oh rap is 150 Oh that's good Who is this? Who is this guy? Oh the animated series Batman Who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Who is this guy, too? This is an actor from Will and Grace, huh? Yeah. What is he charging? $75.
Yeah, yeah. Hold on.
Oh, Simon Rex. We know him.
$69. Andy Dick is $100.
Uh-huh. Now let's hear what Andy has to say.
Andy's probably funny. Yeah.
Yo. Oh, there I am.
What's everybody doing? How you doing? It's Andy Dick. Stoked to be on Cameo so I can get in touch with my friends and fans.
If I still have any. I'm wearing my little turn of the century Christmas carol jam jams.
Watching Ice Land, and hit me up.

He's great.

I love Andy. He's fucking great.

Yeah.

He's great.

When he did our podcast, did I tell you what happened?

I mean, I watched it.

No, but you know what he did?

Yeah.

He goes, hold on a second.

I got friends here.

You know, I used to live in that apartment.

What?

Beachwood.

Oh, your old place.

My old place?

Yeah.

So we stop it, and then 12 dudes are in my living room what yeah and he's just out there like conniving out there right so i go george keep the door open so when andy did the podcast so i can see what they were doing because i thought they were they look like hooligans right trouble it was

troublemakers yeah Manny Pacquiao's a thousand um let's can we just see his yeah sure please

sure ready yeah

that's so silly um

hello

lister

i want to greet you

a happy birthday

and uh

wish you all the best

should not be your

opening hello Lister I want to greet you a happy birthday and wish you all the best should not be your opening thing okay Manny just record a quick video it's not that big of a deal just say hello to your fans this is how you get money from them so let's hear what you got there just let us know energy Manny energy high be great. It's called Cameo, and we told you what it was.

We told you what it was, and all you literally have to do is just get on there and just let

them know that—

Just read the card that we have.

Just read the card.

Just read the card that we wrote for you.

Okay.

Go ahead, Manny.

Whenever you're ready, bud.

Whenever you're ready.

Hello, Lister.

I want to greet you a happy birthday, and wish you all the best, and my birthdays to come in your life. Birthday to come.
And give you good health. I just want to let you know that your kids, they love you so much.
It sounds like a hostage video. They love you and if you want them to live you have to pay me it looks like

on the other side of the camera

is the Joker

the Keith Ledger one

yeah yeah

and he's like

he's tied up

I want to tell you

I want to tell you

happy birthday to everybody

yeah this is interesting

but I gotta tell you

for a thousand dollars

if he's getting a thousand

and look he's already done

there's five right there

he just got six grand

in front of our face

in one day

wait she just

wait

Here we go. $1,000.
If he's getting $1,000 and look, he's already done. There's five right there.
He just got six grand in front of our face in one day.

Wait.

There they are. One, two, three.
That's from today.

Yeah, latest. It says

today, right?

Yes. Oh, wow.

Yeah, so he just made $5,000. Today.

Does he need more money?

Yes. Yes.

Because these guys spend money like fucking.

I understand that.

But it's like, let me just say something, all right?

Let me see.

Listen, once I got a door deal at comedy clubs.

Yeah.

I decided I'm not selling merch.

Look at this, by the way.

Do you know why?

Yeah.

Because I'm getting so much money at the door.

Why would I rape them for more money? I get that. So it's like, me it's like that's where he lives.
That's why he needs more money dude. Trust me he can afford that and 15 other ones that look just like that.
I know but then to keep them alive it costs so much fucking money. So the extra five grand is what that's what's gonna fucking that's the water and the fountain.
That is. That's his fountain bill a month is his if i was him i'd be like fuck the fountain but i don't need fountain yeah wait but you saw here's the thing though i don't do merch at shows because honestly more because i don't want to lug them around so all i do is i have the red rocket posters and i sign those but it's more from how much do you charge 20 bucks for a great piece of art made by great

artists that i sign and they can keep as like a memento of the show what's wrong i mean that's fine yeah but i just don't want to lug t-shirts and stuff it's more that i don't want to do it yeah i don't delia delia does it and he makes like a hundred fucking thousand dollars probably an hour his little fucking pussy bitch does it for him who's his little pussy bitch michael Lanochi.

Who is that?

It's his opener.

So mean.

Yeah.

His little...

So mean.

He's a great comic. He's great.
And you're being mean. And you're being mean.
Can I tell you what he's done to me? Michael Lanochi? Yeah, tell me. Because he's a good guy as far as I'm concerned.
I'm going to tell you some Michael Lanochi stories and maybe that'll change your mind. Okay, give it to me.
First of all, Michael Lanochi. Let's bring him a picture for people that want to see what he looks like.
He used to be a cheerleader in high school. No.
Yeah. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Seriously? Yeah, he used to be in the show Cheer. He used to be the guy that holds the woman up.
Here's him looking really cute. There he is.
Okay, that's Lanochi. That's Mikey.
So he's friends with Fahim Anwar. Yeah, I love Fahim.
So Fahim Anwar used to open for me all the time. Yeah.
So many years ago, this is before Lanochi sucked D'Elia's dick to get the opening spots. Sucked it hard too, I heard.
But anyway, yeah. So Fahim comes to me and goes, you know my friend Michael Lanochi? I go, you mean that jock that used to cheerlead Why do you have Such a beef with him I'll tell you what he did Alright go ahead I didn't say that At the time But this is how I tell the story now Because he's Fucked me over Yeah So he goes His family's gonna be In Florida Fort Lauderdale And can he MC I've never seen him But if he's your friend Fuck it let's do it Yeah So we fly him out there The whole thing right He does okay Right Right So Sunday night I get a call from my friend Paul He's a big radio guy down there Yeah And there's another director Friend of mine I can't recall his name right now But he did that movie Cocaine Cowboys Oh I love that movie Yeah So both of them call me And they go Hey we want we want to take you to your favorite restaurant.
So I go, oh, okay, cool. But can I bring my openers? Billy Corbin.
Yeah, Billy. I love him.
Yeah. He goes, can I bring my openers? And Paul and Billy go, yeah.
Sure. It'll be on the house.
We'll take care of them. We've got enough money.
We'll do it. So we're in a packed restaurant.
We're at Dan Marino's table at this restaurant. Oh, really? Yeah, he's not there.
I thought you meant his restaurant. No, it was somebody else's, but he has a table.
Oh, do you remember the name of the place? Yeah, Runway 84 or something like that. Wow.
Yeah, yeah. So you're there.
You're at Dan Marino's table. And it's slam packed, by the way.
Yeah. Right? And so at the end of the meal, the owner, yeah, Anthony's runway 84.
Wow. It's beautiful.
It looks beautiful. It's beautiful.
And it's the best Italian food, I think, in South Florida. And it's supposed to make it look like you're on an airplane? Yeah.
That's hacky as shit. Yeah, but it's been there forever, so.
Okay, I'm in. In fact, the owner, the reason why I can get a table there, he's a huge fan of Kirby Enthusiasm.
Oh, he is? Yeah. Every time I go in there, hey, he says my character's name and everything.

What was your character's name?

I forget.

Bong Joon Ho?

Bong Joon.

No, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

If you fucking do a Bong Joon-Joo again.

Don't point it at my fucking face.

But don't fucking say that.

Okay.

Sorry.

So, um.

For people that don't know that they're listening via audio only, Bobby has a gun, and he keeps pointing it at me. And it's fucking...
It's loaded. It is.
It is loaded. I know it is.
And the safety's on, but I know how to take it off. Can I finish the...
There's two stories. Yeah, fucking do it.
So, um, the owner of the restaurant sits down with us. It slam packed and at the end we all get up from the table and the owner goes hey let's do a group photoshop like shot a photo a picture a picture and I go alright who's gonna take it and the guy goes well our staff is so slam right now I go Mike Mike Mike lenochi you take the photo and mike looks at me

he goes nah i go hey i laugh i go yeah just take the photo man nah i'd love it and i go i go i put my finger on the table take the fucking photo i'm not taking the photo man i want to be in the photo So the guy

And he

The owner has to run around

The restaurant now

To find somebody

That the fucking photo i'm not taking the photo matt i want to be in the photo so the guy and he the owner has to run around the restaurant now to find somebody to take the photo okay right so this is a staff member yeah and it's slammed right so it's there's now a level of stress yeah but now i'm in such a rage right my mc opener yeah wouldn't take the fucking photo right so now you're fucking pissed rageful I want to ruin his career that's all the ways I can ruin his career so we get back in the car they find a busboy I'll take it and he's sweating this busboy is sweating because he's just running around because he has so he takes the photo Lenocchi's in it we get in the car and I go bro, in this situation I'm your fucking boss I'm paying for all this and he goes, you're not my boss you're my friend what did you say? and I just shut down the door closed right and then i go never again never again in my head you never talked to him ever again well that was yeah the thinking but then cut to five years later five fucking years you didn't talk to him i would i would kind of avoid him in the hallway i would say hi you know i'm not that mean but i look i'm in the hallway at the store and i'm him and you You know I'm not that mean, but I would say hi. Look, I'm in the hallway at the store, and I'm him, and you're you.
Say hi. Hey, Bobby, what's up? What's up, dude? And just walk away.
Whoa. That's ice cold.
There are a couple of guys. I can name their names.
I don't give a fuck. I won't even give them that.
Go on. Kevin Shea.
Yeah, yeah. We know that.
Yeah, we know that. So five years later, he comes up to me.
He goes, hey, man, I've changed. That's the intro? Yeah I've changed I've changed man what did you say I go what have you changed you know and he goes I'm like I know you're doing San Diego can I open and I don't know what came over me I went you know what dude I'm a forgiving man in my head yes you are and are.
And I'm going to Dalai Lama this. Yeah, man.
What? I'm going to be like present and mindful and peaceful about it. Yeah.
So now he's emceeing for me in San Diego. At La Jolla? No.
The comedy store? No, at the American Comedy Company. Oh, right.
Okay. Yeah.
So. No, not for me.
Why? Because of Justin? No, no, no. I play the store anytime i go down there it's like the i would do i would do i would do the store if the manager of the store didn't fuck me over the way he did how did he fuck you well that's another that's another story right so um so lenochi is opening for me and um this one took me over this this is the This is the nail in the coffin.
Nail in the coffin? Yeah, so I – second show on a Saturday. I don't know what the fuck happened, but he brings me up, and at that time, I needed the stool to do two bits.
What were they? I forget. I had a ninja bit that I did.
I needed the stool for. I know your ninja bit.
Yeah, and I had another bit. But I needed it.
They were like toward my end, good closing bits. Yeah.
I needed them. Sure.
So he brings me up on stage. I get up on stage.
There's no stool. So I whisper in his ear.
I go, hey, dude, while I'm up here, just go get me a stool. Yeah, grab a stool.
Right, right. So I'm on stage, and I can see him in the audience flirting with women.
Right? And I'm on stage, and I'm telling jokes, and I can just see him. And then I see him with the doorman.
They're like – he's poking their stomachs. They're like giggling, right? And I'm just on stage, just eyeing this behavior.
Pissed. Pissed.
Livid. Right.
He doesn't even ask for a stool. No, he's trying to get pussy.
He's trying to get pussy, right? And you're looking for a stool. And I'm not kidding you.
It was the worst. I can probably in my lifetime, I've had top five worst shows I've ever done.
No way. That's in my top five.
There's no way it was that bad. I swear to God.
Just because you didn't have the stool? Because you were in your head. It was in my head.
So every joke was coming out really angry and weird. Yeah.
Right? And then I'm literally eating it. I'm not even kidding you.
I don't believe it. To me, it felt like open mic night.
Shut up. You just were in your head the whole time.
I was in my head. I was in a rage.
Because you were staring at him. him Right Did he take a girl out of the room? Did he end up talking to somebody? Or did he just leave? He left without trying to get a stool Do you remember? No, he didn't get a girl But he just took off Yeah, and then when So I'm eating it And at the end of my show, he – and I'm like now sweating.
And I go, that's my time. On stage, right? That's my time.
He comes up on stage just, you know, with his – you know what I mean? Happy. And I look at him.
I go, that's it. We're done.
You wrote him off. And that was it.
That's it. We're done.
So now you don't even say hello to him. No, I do.
We joke around. Oh.
You'll say I never worked with you. The problem was that he's a survivor.
He's like a little roach. You know how you see there's a lot of roaches out there.
He's a talented guy, and he's probably going to make it. I like him.
I like him too. But I like that you hate him.
I think that's funny. No, I don't hate him.
I love him. Michael, if you're listening, because I'm going to do something with him next week.
What are you doing? He has some sort of internet show he wants me to do. Okay.
I'm going to do it. Also, can I just say this? Linochi was also a guy that I used to use, even after that, where I would make him, but this is why I could do this.
Why? I could go, hey, dude, five in the morning, stand outside your place. He goes, why? At 7 a.m.
I have a fucking audition. You're running lines.
And he would do it. Yes.
He would wake up. I'd be on the side of a fucking road.
He would get in my car. I'd give him sides and we would run it for an hour and a half.
I wouldn't have to pay him or anything. That's really nice.
Would you buy him a coffee or something? No, nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
You just let him in and get him out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would kick him right out, right? And even like little things like this.
So I'm a little mean to him but i'm good with him he's just never gonna open for me again so then you were done with him when you're disposed of him when you're done with him yeah i'm not done with people like you know like forever like i can't talk to you but like in terms of working that's it that's it so now you're never gonna want to work with what's his name ever again peter weller because he fucked you over on no no i know i you know i you know if i ever do magnum again're never going to want to work with what's-his-name-ever-again, Peter Weller, because he fucked you over on –

No, no.

No.

You know, if I ever do Magnum again, I'm going to ask now who the director is.

And if he's doing it, you won't do the episode?

It depends.

Here's the phone call. Ready? Yeah.
Hello.

Hey, Bobby.

It's Micah Schofeld.

I am...

Just let me do the fucking character.

What is it? Well, Gene Hong would call me. But Gene Hong is – shout out to Gene Hong.
I'm not picking it up yet. Shout out to Gene Hong.
Gene Hong is a co-executive producer on Magnum PI.

He's my boy.

He's the one that writes all the episodes for me,

and he's so talented.

I love you so much, all right?

Yeah.

Don't fucking point it at me!

So, hello, hello.

We should make an aside for people that aren't only listening on audio.

The gun that Bobby's pointing at me is an airsoft gun.

It's not a real fucking gun.

It only took us 40 minutes to talk about the gun that's on. Right, so, um, hello? Hello? Hello? Hey, Bob.
Gene, what's up? What's up, brother? How are ya? Hey, bro, bro. Listen, dude, I want you to come back out and do a couple of more epies of MagMag P-P-I-E.
Awesome! Who's directing? Guess what? What? Peter Weller. Okay.
Bye. Wait, wait, wait.
Bobby, Bobby. Wait, wait, wait.
Wait. Yeah.
Check it out. What? We're going to give you $150,000 an episode.
Yep. I'll do it.
All right. Yeah, I'm in.
Okay, ready? And it's dope, isn't it? It's the only thing that I wrote. Look at me.
I'm not joking. It changed the way I sleep.
I beds have it now Okay, I want to say this The honest truth is that When you said Buffy And you're like, take it home And you go, trust me You know what I mean? It's good, right? Because your restaurant tastes are so bad Really? Like what? That one diner that you took me to Wait My point is. Wait, what diner? Let me just finish my point.
No, name the diner and then we'll talk. Name the diner.
That 24-hour place down on Ventura that you took me to. That mom and pop place.
Mom and pop and Ventura. Where you have breakfast and stuff.
Mom and pop and Ventura. Yeah, yeah.
Mom and pop and Ventura. Anyway, my point is.
I never go to the Crave Cafe. That was because it was just in the middle.
It doesn't matter. I was hiking.
I know, but the thing is, is that, right? That's not my restaurant taste. I know, but your bad taste in things.
Okay. So just stop getting angry, man, and just listen and absorb it.
Oh, absorb your shit talking? It's not shit talking. I'm telling the truth.
Okay, tell the truth. The truth is, is that I thought you had bad taste in shit.
And then when you told me this Buffy blanket, I like, it's probably going to be bad. And I brought it home and it's the best blanket bedding I've ever had in my life.
And therefore, you probably got a recommendation from somebody else. No, I used it and I love it.
And Buffy, by the way, they make super soft, earth-friendly bedding. It's a comfy night's sleep that you deserve.
It's even comfier because it doesn't harm the environment, Bob. It uses eucalyptus fiber.
It's breathable and it's cool to the touch to help maintain the ideal sleeping temperature and feel cozy without overheating. It really is when you put it on your body.
It's incredible. It feels like air.
Yeah. Cool air.
And also, I used to sweat. I sweat all the time in bed.
They're called anger sweats. I've never, ever sweat.
I've never, ever sweat with a Buffy. Yeah.
I'm dead serious. It's crazy.
I've never sweat with a Buffy, and I use their comforter and the duvet cover. Their products have almost 20,000 five-star reviews, plus an overall average rating of 4.6 stars.
So believe the hype. Believe it, man.
Buffy orders a free trial, free shipping, and you can give it back if you don't like it. Free returns every single day.
It's no joke. When someone says try and give it away if you don't like it,

you know it's good.

You can try their products in your own bed for free

before you commit to buying.

If you don't like it, just give it back at no cost, okay?

For $20 off your Buffy betting, visit Buffy.co

and enter the code.

Bad friends.

Once again, for $20 off your Buffy betting,

visit Buffy.co and enter the code.

Bad friends.

Enter it. Okay, that's what it is.co and enter the code.
Bad friends. Enter it.

Okay.

That's what it is.

Did you see the photo?

No.

Of what?

Of you and...

Me and Peter Wheeler.

Wheeler?

Whatever his name is.

Peter Wheeler.

RoboCop.

Look at that.

Oh, that's a great photo.

Who took that?

A cameraman.

Did he smoke a cigar on set?

No, that we were outside smoking together.

Whoa.

So it's not as if we hang out.

He looks tight.

Yeah, he's tied to the Did he smoke a cigar on set? No, that we were outside smoking together. Whoa.

So it's not as if we hang out.

He looks tight.

Yeah, he's tight.

He looks like a cool dude.

He's a cool dude.

But when I have relationships, I'm Bobby Lee.

Yeah, I know who the fuck you are.

Right, but so I have a little confidence.

You know, when I was young, I did a show called Arliss when I was a young kid. Yeah, we remember that show.
He was a basketball manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
So I did like two— What was his name? Who was fucking Arliss? I hate that fucking guy. He's a comedian.
Yeah, his—don't even Google it. Let me think of it.
No, I'm going to Google it and you can think of it. Okay.
Arliss. TV show.
Did I spell it wrong? Isn't it two S's? It's something—yeah, it is. Arliss.
Arliss. Robert did i spell it wrong isn't it two s's it's something yeah it is arliss robert wool robert wool robert wool yeah and he's like and he's got that kind of he's like smarmy a little bit yeah so when i was on that show um i was so scared i didn't know who the director was i didn't know what was going on i I just remember being, you know, I was 28 years old,

27 years old.

You act like that's

like super young.

Yeah,

but I only started

when I was 23.

Yeah,

I guess.

And also,

I'm from a small town

and I,

I,

You're from San Diego.

From Poway though.

It's like a little askew.

It's in San Diego.

It's,

yeah,

but it's North County.

It's deep in the woods.

There's no woods.

I know,

but there are trees.

There are trees there. I promise you.
So you're 28. You you've gone arliss you're nervous robert wool isn't nice to you yeah and so i'm just scared i don't know what a jib is i don't know what you know the tech terms i didn't know anything about it right so yeah you know when they say all right you're done with the scene you know you scurry to your dressing room and just wait.
You know what I mean?

But now you fuck around with the cameraman. I know everybody.
I know you hang out. You know what I mean? The stars of the show are your friends.
You know how to do it. So I can hang out with a guy like him and we can jab.
But my honest opinion is that when – I used to do commercials with a guy named Joe Pitka. Yeah.
And he was like the Steven Spielberg of commercials. Commercials? Of commercials.
He was the king. He did the Bow Nose campaign.
What? Yeah. He did – That was my favorite shit on earth as a kid.
When Michael Jackson got his head caught in fire with a Pepsi pepsi commercial it was him really he did all the britney spears he was the biggest one but he was seven foot two what white hair down to his back and he was the meanest son of a bitch i've ever asked ari shafir about him why is he's why is he so mean because shafir used to do commercials for him. Eric Stone Street did a bunch, like 60 from him.
60?

Yeah, one time he had the... I'm not kidding you.
He goes,

alright, I want the crew,

the cameramen, and

everyone on set to form a circle.

So they formed a circle.

They put me in the middle of the circle.

And they go, point your finger.

They point their finger at me.

And everyone repeat after me. You're the worst actor on planet Earth.
You're making this up. I'm not.
The entire crew did not say this to you. Yes, they did.
He's the guy that beat the shit out. He got in a fist fight with a fucking actor.
Nice. That he hired.
I love this guy. Yeah, I know.
That's your wheelhouse. Yeah, the guy who who's disciplined there's a discipline you're the worst actor i know that's amazing whenever i in fact when i when i run into people like that i think of you yeah yeah what is his name this guy's my fucking hero joe pitka joe pitka yeah i want to link up with pitka bad whoa he looks like vigo from fucking Ghostbusters I know Oh my god, this is Joe Yeah, it's Joe Pitka Does this give you weird flashbacks? Are you getting PTSD right now? Actually, there's one commercial he did that's on YouTube With me and Eric Stonestrain in it Can we find it? It's IBM Bobby Lee IBM Bobby Lee? Yeah, yeah That was a Joe Pitka This one? What does it say bank robbers yeah that's it there's no money here there's no money no money where is it somewhere safe this is the safe.
Somewhere safer. Safer? How?

Hardware encryption, smart cards, you know, digital security.

Who are you?

I'm from the help desk.

Who are you?

Cleaning crew?

This place is a mess.

You guys have come a long way.

That was some of the worst fucking acting I've ever seen in my life. And I mean it with every ounce of my body.
Who are you? I know, but here you go. We're the cleaning crew.
It's a mess in here. But you have to understand, you know.
The stiffness was incredible. I know, because I can't be loose when I'm under the dictator.

Right. Well, you look like a dictator sitting with your shaved head in that chair.

Was that for Mad TV you shaved your head?

For one year, I decided to do a monk

thing. But you didn't have the

attitude of a monk.

Don't make fun of my acting right now. That's not why we

pulled that fucking thing up, we fucking cocksucker.

I'm not. Can I show you? Look, we've all done

commercials. I'll show you.

I don't even know if it's still up, but the first one I did was Mike's Hard Lemonade. I'm dead serious.
Yeah, yeah. NASCAR.
It probably doesn't exist on here anymore. Yeah, no.
There's no. That means you didn't do it.
I did. If it's not on YouTube, you didn't do it.
Well, I'm telling you. I did it.
I don't know where it is. NASCAR commercial.
Yeah, no. Oh, maybe this is it.
No. There you go.
It was at a racetrack. I did another one with Kevin Christie.
I love Kevin. Kevin Christie was not a comic.

I'm the one that got him to do comedy.

You got him to do stand-up because you did the... Because I met him on an AM PM commercial.

Too much good stuff.

What?

Too much good stuff.

Yeah, and then we became friends there,

and then one time I ran into him at Amoeba.

Yeah.

And he goes, I want to do stand-up.

I go, let's go to the store,

and then he just started doing it.

Really?

Yeah. And you were the one that convinced him to do it? do you know what it's called? yeah AM PM maybe Bobby Lee I don't know you can barely see me in it I'm like the fourth friend it is online I just don't know what to google it doesn't matter but the point is the the point is, yeah, the commercial thing was tough for me.
I really – it became like a weird cattle call. Yeah, they're all cattle calls.
But it made me emotionally feel fucked up when I would go for a role and then I would see the kid who worked in the casting director's office get the role. And I was like, he fucking works there.
Oh, you know that one dude? And that used to kill me. I was like, well, that guy fucking works there.
There was a comic who was a cameraman for an agency. Who? Do you know who it was? I forgot his name, but he would be the guy that he would call you in.
Oh, you read with him in the room. And he would get half of them.
Yeah, because- Because he would put himself on. Yeah.
It was the worst. Did you ever go to 200 South La Brea? Did you used to go to- Oh, yeah.
Is that where the Petco is? Yeah. Yeah, all the time.
In fact, there, a nightmare happened where me and Johnny Sanchez, we had like nine callbacks for Mountain Dew, right?

It was like a big campaign, a lot of money.

And it was down to four guys, right?

And neither of you guys.

So they needed two guys.

Yeah.

So they paired me and Johnny and these two other guys.

And we would go in, and then they would leave, and Johnny would go in.

And I remember us four standing in the hallway, and theor and it goes you you you're out to you and johnny yeah and we just you know you have three days of going back there and for nothing yeah of two dudes that you've never even heard of yeah but they don't give a fuck it's a look thing commercials are like what do they look like dude at 200 south this is an insane story i just like it popped into my brain remember they have those benches they're like carpeted benches yeah right a little girl there's always was kids on kid auditions all the time there was a million little kids running around this is insane i just remember this and i'm so livid because they called me back for this thing and i just was like i didn't want to go i knew i wasn't going to get it i could tell because I could tell they didn't like me. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.
But they just wanted you back. They're like, yeah, we have to get 10 people back in any way.
And I'm sitting there and it was the afternoon. It was hot as shit.
It was the middle of the summer and I'm sweating sitting on this bench and I'm wearing a fucking sport coat and I look over and all these kids are playing on the benches and this girl is jumping up and down on the bench dude yeah jumping up and down and her mother goes get off and she goes she goes why why and she goes get off i'm not kidding yeah out of out of like the worst fucking hilarious horror movie she runs up to her daughter and grabs her by the neck and throws her off the bench i'm not kidding like a seven-year-old girl throws her off and then she falls to the ground she starts crying and the parents are like oh my god and she's like i was just trying to grab i was just trying to grab her arm and she i mean she's right in this little girl's neck yeah and threw her off the fucking bench it's insane and that made my day i was like i don't care if i don't get the commercial that was a fucking hilarious she grabs her little daughter by the neck she looked like she was trying to just get her body but she went right for her throat it was all that parental when you hear about parents that want to kill their kids after years and years it builds up it was the moment that she was like I watched her go you think she got the part? she did she booked it people don't realize how demeaning those things are it's like yeah if the worst is when you go to like a cattle call commercial i did it thousands of them yeah where you sign up and it's like one line like um he did it yeah let's say that's the line where are they going yeah where are they going right that's the line and you're sitting there and just you have to wait an hour at least and then you see douchebags. You know what I mean? Just standing up and just going, where are they going? Oh, no.
God. Yeah, they're practice.
Where are they going? Yeah, yeah. Where are they going? Yeah, yeah.
And you're like, we're going nowhere. That's what I would say.
We're going nowhere. This is where we're at.
Yeah, this is it. The bottom.
We're at the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But they would take it so seriously.

Oh my God, they pace around.

They wouldn't make me nervous.

They would make me anxious because people would pace.

I hate it when people pace in auditions.

It makes me so crazy.

I hate it when, you know what I hate worse?

Is when you're memorized, you're focused, and then six comics walk in.

I fucking hate that.

It's the worst.

And they just slap you.

Hey, Lee.

Hey, what's up, man? Yeah, yeah. And then you're out.
Yeah, you're done. But I have the key to it.
And this is the mentality. If you're a commercial actor, this is the mentality that you need.
Okay? You have to do two things. Yeah.
You have to pretend that you're kind of grateful to be there. But the second thing, right, is that this is underneath me and I'm doing you a favor.
It's a duality. It's a duality of those two things.
So it's like when you slate, it's like – what slating is is that during commercial auditions, they go, all right, say your name. And you go, I'm Bobby Lee.
I'm 5'm 5'4 Profiles And you do your profiles

Stand to the side

Stand to the other side

So I do it like

This is what I do

This is so gross

But I go

If they

Say it

Do your profile

Okay

Okay go ahead and slate

What?

Go ahead and slate

What is it?

Oh say your name

And then you're right

To the camera

Hey I'm Bobby

You know I make it seem like

Yeah goof around right

And then I always

Try to make a joke like

I only do one profile

Because the other ones

You know

It's flat anyway. I'll make a joke.
My face is flat anyway. Look at me.
I'm the cast member. Yeah.
Yeah. All right, Bobby.
So could you just read the line? The line, of course, is right there. And it just says, this tastes exactly like apple juice that my grandmother used to make.
Go ahead. Can I improvise? We'd rather you not.
This is Mott's. And it's family.
Remember, there's a family. So that tastes like the apple juice my grandmother used to make.
This is the... Well, Bobby, let us count you in one second.
I don't want to... I'm getting panicked.
Okay. I feel nervous right now.
I don't know the line. And go ahead.
Yeah, this is just like the cranberry juice my apple used to make. You got the part.
That's exactly how I would probably do it. Yeah, you'd fuck it up on purpose.
I would fuck it up on purpose and then leave. And then I would get a callback.
And then that's when it can backfire. Yeah, it backfires all the fucking time.
Yeah, but sometimes in callback, because that's when the ad agency, the director, the producers, they're all there. And there's maybe four guys, right? Maybe they call back four or six guys.
And you know that if you book this back then, you're going to make anywhere between 15 to 60 grand. Yeah.
Back then there was really good money. Right.
I don't know what it is now. Yeah.
Yeah. Because I haven't done it in years.
But like I did one commercial that paid me $350,000. Get the fuck out of here.
It was a Joe Pitka. What commercial was it? It was a campaign for IBM where I was in an astronaut suit with my friend Eric Kirchberger from New York.
$350,000? Yeah, because we had to fly to Tokyo. Who gives a fuck? Oh, you got to fly to Tokyo? They made us.
Oh, you didn't want to go to Japan? France. We did it all over the world.
And that was a bummer for you? You sounded like that? That sounds fucking incredible. It was incredible.
Holy shit, Bobby. And it was in 1998.
I had no money. I was living with 11 people.
Look at this. This is going to piss me off so much.
What? Have you blown all that money? You've blown all that money. Yeah.
They're gone. look on look at this yeah money then and now

this is this always makes me mad the inflation calculator look at this yeah three hundred and fifty thousand dollars is what you made in what 1998 yeah i use this all the time 1998 $3908,000, $350,000.

That's a half a million dollars.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fuck for a commercial.
Yeah. Holy fuck.
The best one. You don't make that now on TV shows or movies.
Why? Last two years. On a movie.
Two years ago. On a movie.
You've never made a half a million on a movie. I'm going to say something right, out loud.
Do it. Jordan Peele.
You know him? No. I don't know Jordan fucking Peele.
So he calls me. And he goes...
Yeah. Oh, because you're me? Hey, dude.
Jordan. Hey, what's up? Hey, you know, Chelsea and I are getting married.
Yeah, yeah, course that's not me that's you it is yeah alright don't he goes anyway I'm doing commercials a commercial for booking.com okay okay okay and we want you in the commercial cool yeah and he goes how much and he goes, how much do you want? A million. No, why would you say that? No one would say that.
I would say a fucking million. Jordan fucking Peel.
Jordan Peel. It's one day of work.
A million dollars is crazy. Give me a million fucking dollars, Jordan Peel.
You have all the money. You could do it.
Give me the money. That's not what he said.
All right, you said what? I didn't say that. What did you say? Give me a half a million.
No, I go, whatever you want. I would have done it for five grand no you wouldn't have for Jordan I would have five grand for a huge national commercial stop anyway it was me Jane Lynch Jordan, Chelsea Peretti and Eddie Pepitone and Keegan Keyes so six fun six.
How fun. Fun, right? Yeah.
And I go, I don't know. And he goes, it's just a day of work.
I don't know. Honestly, because I hadn't seen him in a while, you know, and I love him.
So I go, whatever. He goes, I'll just give you a ****.
What? I go, okay. For a day of work.
And I hung up the phone. And it wasn't because of the money I literally just started crying because you know in this business when your friends make it they don't hook you up 99% of them don't they don't but there are people like him that do and I can tell that he looks at me and he goes I think still today he looks at me and goes, why aren't you bigger? What do you mean? How big do you want – what do you want to be? What do you want to be? You're great.
What do you want to be? I tell you this all the time. What are you looking for? Look at you.
You went to Hawaii. You took your mother and your brother to Hawaii to celebrate.
You broke her heart about BTS, but then you shot Magnum P.I.,

and you get to fly around the world telling jokes,

and then you come back here and you smoke your cigarettes,

and you wear your stupid fucking beanie on your huge fucking head,

and you live the life of a king.

You come in here, you get to tell jokes.

But you know this is in human nature.

Yeah.

Life is good for you.

I know, and I'm grateful.

What do you want to be? What do you want to be?

What do you want to be?

Joong Bang Bang.

I want to be Joong Bang Bang.

Give me the gun.

Yeah, yeah.

No.

Bang Joon Hope.

But here's what happened.

So back then, Georgia was around, right?

When you got ****.

Yeah.

All right.

So but this is the thing.

But at the same time, there was a lady, a black lady. Okay.
I'll tell you why that's important. What? Supposedly.
I said – She was supposedly black? Just listen to it with a fucking story. Yeah, she was supposedly black, assumably.
Assumably black. And we were getting emails before that saying money extortion.

I was getting emails going, you said something on your podcast, and I will alert it to the world if you don't send me 15 grand.

Right?

That happened, right?

George can back me up.

Holy shit.

So we would email back, no.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Yeah, fuck you.

She's like, I have connections to Vandy Fair. I don't know.
Just all these fucking places. Okay.
And it's like, I said it on my podcast. It's out there.
Yeah. What? Yeah.
What did you say? I just said that black people were oily. Oh my God.
Why? You just were out of nowhere? Yeah, because we did a series of podcasts making fun of races, right?

Yeah.

So we did – we had Asa, Kieran.

We did two episodes, one or two full episodes about Asians, just ripping them apart.

Yeah, that's part of what we do.

Yeah.

It's fun.

And we did one with Mexicans, ripping them apart.

And we did one on blacks.

Yeah.

And the only bad thing I said, which in retrospect was bad.

Is black people are oily, you said. Yeah, they're kind of oily.
Right, you said that. Out loud, yeah.
Yeah. I said which in retrospect was bad is black people are oily you said they're kind of oily out loud yeah and she goes I'm gonna what put this on twitter no I'm gonna fuck you with this if you don't give me 15 grand wow did you publish those you should have published those emails no I called CAA and I just warned them about it so now I'm sitting there shooting this commercial.

And I remember it because I'm sitting

laying there with Jane Lynch

because we have a makeout scene in this commercial

and two executives

walk up to me

and they go, can we talk to you?

And I go, what?

In the Jordan Peele commercial.

I go, what happened?

Talk to you outside? I go outside to you for a second? Yeah. I go outside with them.
And already it's weird. Like there's something going on.
And they go, did you call black people? Did you call black people oily? And I go, no. Bobby.
No, I said that. Why did you say no? Because in my head, I'm like, my career.

I'm going to lose this.

For saying black people are oily?

Yeah.

It's stupid, but you're not going to lose your fucking career.

But maybe this commercial.

I don't know.

Why were they bringing me out there?

All that stuff.

It's a lot of money, dude.

Yeah.

At the time, Tiger Brother had just started.

So what happened?

So basically, they go, we know you said it. And I go, I did.
I did. I'm so sorry.
And they go, no, we already knew you said. We vetted you.
Yeah, they didn't care. Yeah, we don't care, but we're just letting you know this lady came to us.
You know what I mean? And was like – And saying – she told us – she's making a stink about it how did she know about i have no idea that's fucking crazy yeah so i so i um i i have a feeling i think i know what male comic it was go ahead i can't say it why because he called me because i started a war with him okay and he called me one day and crying almost saying just listen i just i won't talk about you anymore and let's just we're not friends you know but just you know stop talking about me i have a family now because you fuck you verbally fucked him up so much yeah you kept talking enough shit where finally he was yeah it crushed him wow crushed him. Wow.
And so that. God, I want to know who the fuck that is.
I'll tell you off stage. Okay.
And so because he called and he was like very adamant about it that not to talk about him anymore. Because I would have, if he hadn't made that call, I would have been talking shit right now.
But you said this. So what is the connection between this person and the assumable black woman? I think it's him.
Oh, they're one and the same. And this person is what?

A white person?

A guy.

A white guy.

Yeah.

God, I want to know so fucking.

Yeah.

But because it was in the same – but it could be my own delusional head making connections that aren't really real.

Yeah.

But that person just disappeared off the face of the planet, whoever this allegedly –

They don't exist anymore.

Well, this black lady – because I had called CAA and – How did you know it was a black lady? Because she said it in the email, right? Did she say that on the email? She said, I'm a black lady? I'm a black woman, and I know... Hey, Bobby, I'm a black lady.
That's how the email started? I don't know. We have the email still, or no? I want to show it to the fans so bad.
Hey, Bobby, I'm a black lady. Yeah.
One day you said... Yeah, so...
Black people have oily skin. But you know what's strange about this new era of show business? Because back in the day, you could be Steve McQueen and treat somebody like shit or talk shit.
Just the opposite, by the way. You know he was a really good guy.
That's a bad example then. Mort Saul.
Okay. All right.
Whoever it might be, right? Yeah, Don Rickles. Yeah, right yeah whoever it might be right yeah don rickles yeah yeah whatever it might whoever it might be there's you you don't you can't somebody a regular person couldn't ruin one's one career one person couldn't ruin one person's career yeah right it would take a mafia to take down nowadays now you can just start a movement one person can destroy you.
yeah like you can be destroyed off of like what look at what are you know just something can happen i i don't think that's a destroy i i think that's it no he's gonna be fine it's just bad timing it's just bad timing he's gonna he's gonna be fine he's a very talented guy and we love him but um it's just an interesting time you know well do you think you get direct feedback right away. But here's the thing.
Do you think that when we joke around on this podcast, which we do all the fucking time, do you really... The beauty is people know we're fucking kidding.
And if they don't, that's not my problem. That's how I feel about it.
If you don't know that I'm kidding when I start joking with you, that's not my problem. That's your problem.
Yeah. I'm not going to spoil a joke that I have now, but it's basically about that.
It's like, who did it? I'm the bad guy or you're the bad person? Yeah. Because I didn't say it.
I'm going to show you something that happened the other day in Hawaii that drove me into hysterics. I also want to connect.
So I posted this photo. I posted this photo on his Instagram.
Oh, yeah.

Right? And I said, I bought

these glasses. I'll bring it up here.
And my girlfriend

just called me Robert Downey Syndrome.

Yeah,

I get it. That's what it, I mean, it looks.

Yeah, so that's the joke. This is the

picture right here that Bobby posted.

Right here. Right.
So that's

the joke, right? Yeah. And she had just

told me that. And you said Robert Downey Syndrome.
She took the photo and she goes, you're Robert Downey syndrome. And I posted it.
Okay. Right? Because that made me laugh.
Right after this, I laugh. Yeah.
After this photo. Yeah.
Right? I post it and this lady goes, you know, I just think it's bad writing and a testament to your comedy ability. That you said that.
To make fun of people it's just not funny and um and i go and i just immediately texted back i go it's funny because the greatest comedians on planet earth just liked it yeah right i don't know who you are because you have 200 followers and um also i've been doing this as a living for 25 years yeah i think i know what i'm doing i think i know what i'm doing i think i've got to figure it out and also jordan peele gave dollars bitch it's not just that it's just that you know um i hate it when why do you pay attention to it then because it was just it because number one it is funny yeah it is very funny that's hands down funny yeah right right i don't give a fuck if you don't think it's funny you don't know anything about comedy yeah it's funny so um that's number one and number two it's like and then i looked at her she has an autistic son oh great right so it's like um she wants to be she wants social justice that's what it is she wants to be the she's angry angry about the situation she's in, and she's now fighting for the voiceless. Look, sometimes I get it why people do that, but also you're following a comedian online.
What do you think? You think they're going to say everything that you like? But what I love about my fans is that – so I post that, comment on that, offer her comment, and then you just get 30 40 people just going bitch yeah

no see that she just deletes it yeah yeah now you made her feel bad she shouldn't have fucking

said that in the fucking first place she started a war that she can't win you're right i want to

call someone i'm going to call someone to find out if what you said if the if if this person

thinks that the black people are oily comment is racist or not.

Who is it?

Ian?

No, hold on.

It's got to be somebody I know.

Oh, my God.

It's someone you know.

Yo.

Hey, Griff.

What up?

Hey, Griff.

It's Bobby.

It's Santino.

What up?

Hey, how funny we call a black guy, and there's a fucking cop in the background. Of course.
Griff. Oh, my God.
This better not be your bullshit podcast right now. It's not.
Right now. We're not.
We're having lunch at Sophie's. at Sophie's.
Hey, we have a question for you.

Yeah.

Bobby said on a podcast, black people have oily skin,

and we want to know if you think that's racist or not.

That's just odd.

I don't think it's racist.

Just odd.

There we go.

Yeah.

If he said it was like chicken oil, then it'd be racist. Right.
Right. If he just said they have oily skin, that's just a weird observation.
It is a weird observation, but you know. Because.
But you know what? It's actually sort of accurate because black don't crack. It's because it's oily.
Right. That's what I meant.
That's what I meant. And also, secondly, it's like, you know, I'm going to call Ian right now.
I'm going to see if he agrees with me or not. All right, Griff, I love you.
We love you, Griffin. We love you so fucking much.
You know that, right? Yeah, yeah, whatever. Oh, here we go.
You fucking little bitch. Hey, hey, hey.
Everyone. Grow up, you fat fuck.
Everyone listen to Eric Griffin's podcast. Yeah, Riffin' with Griffin.
Riffin' with Griffin. It's the fucking shit.
I knew this was your fucking motherfucker, man. Hey, hey, hey.
Griff, Griff, Griff, Griff. Can I tell you something? I haven't.
Okay, great. Great.
That's fine. Wait, I'll call him from here.
What's that? That way they can hear it through the headphones. Oh, really? Okay, do it.
Ian Edwards. Yeah, I'm going to call Ian.
But will it come out as your number though? yeah why? Griff is gonna be so mad that we just did that I love it he's gonna be fucking pissed so you wanna call Ian, what do you wanna ask Ian? if it's racist or not by the way I'm gonna tell you something I know he's gonna say yes no he's not he's my boy Yes, he is. He's my boy, dude.
It doesn't matter. You don't know boys.
When boys are boys. Hello? What's up, y'all? It's Ian.
Leave a message. Let's leave a message.
Ian. What's up? A bra? Yeah, yeah.
Ian, it's Santino and Bobby Lee. We're recording our podcast, and Bobby said something years's questionably racist, saying that black people have oily skin.
We want to know if you think that's bad or not. Bobby's feeling bad about it again.
I want to see if he'll pick up my phone. Okay, this will be embarrassing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's up, y'all? Yes, that made me feel good that honestly made me feel good if he would have picked up though

it would have been so joyous

who's the most famous person

in your phone

that you could call right now

I have someone

who do you have

who do you have

who do you have

I have a number of somebody

but I know they won't

pick up the phone

but I'll show you

okay

look at this one

which one

that's huge

that's huge

that's huge

but I know she won't pick up

I don't have

I don't have

I have

see this one

Thank you. look at this one which one that's huge that's huge that's huge but i know she won't pick up i don't have i don't have i have see this one oh yeah yeah yeah pretty big but you won't call i will not call i will not call it's so funny because i'd be so scared because then i'd be like i don't know what i would say yeah yeah i'm afraid that it's it's funny that yeah there are but i have to do codes they have some in there you put on people under different names yeah i'll put natron x why because i'll just think to myself that this huge celebrity i'll just that's the thing natron x yeah and then i'll then years later i'll forget who natron x is do you ever do you have a girl in your phone that's still in your phone from before Kalilah and then she's still in your phone but you've changed her name?

Do you have girls in your phone before Kalilah?

I do. Xs.

And you keep them in there? Yeah. Does Kalilah give a

shit? No. She wouldn't care at all?

No, because I don't call them. What if they called you?

They do. One of them called me the other

day like crying. About what?

About how her

career is not going well. Did you do anything

to help her? No, I

give her like affirmations.

You

reinforced her? No, I'll just go, this is what you need

to do kind of stuff. Can you say who it is?

No. Can I guess?

No, you'll never guess and I don't want to get into that.

She'll probably listen to this and she'll

be very sad. I'm going to guess.
Who?

I'm going to guess. Go ahead.
Kathy Griffin. No, these are women I dated.
Okay. I never dated Kathy Griffin.
Not what I heard. I went to her house once.
I never fucked her. Mm-hmm.
No, I went to a Christmas party once. Mm-hmm.
No, no, no, no. And she unwrapped a little gift, didn't she? She unwrapped a little South Korean.
She has an angry pussy. You know that.
Yeah, she does. What are we doing on time? We're good on time.
Where are we at? Well, over an hour. At least...
At least... For everyone listening at home with all this dead space, we're watching George try to do math.
What? No, I started at 17 minutes beforehand just to get all the gun stuff. Yeah, some of that stuff we're going to have to cut out.
Yeah, no. Also, Bobby waving a gun at me.
I can't fucking believe... No, don't, don't, don't, Bobby, don't.
Don't shoot it. You have fucking expensive shit in here.
Can I shoot the screen? The TV? Yeah. Let's see what happens.
It could ricochet. Close your eyes, turn around.
around are you gonna do it yeah

but that's

that's my TV

how much is it I don't know it doesn't matter it's a fucking TV like what then we gotta go get a new one alright I kinda want you to do it now I don't want to but if you do I'm cool with it we just have to go get one I'll go buy one now I know I'll go to the best so I get a better one. Here's my only fear.
What? I don't care about the TV.

It's a piece of shit TV.

But the cameras,

what if it hits

one of the cameras?

The odds.

The odds,

if I,

look at,

they,

it bounces,

the ball's gonna bounce

everywhere.

The odds of it,

though.

Shoot your hat again.

It's right to me.

Yeah,

it's gonna ricochet

right at him.

I'm gonna aim it here.

Okay.

If I aim it like this, it'll hit George in the face. And I not gonna do it oh my god dude if you do it thank you I'm gonna do it I'm gonna do it yeah really? I'm gonna do it you don't have the balls I don't have the balls to shoot my own TV TV yeah you're a pussy oh my god dude I'm so scared you're a pussy you're weak right that's what it is if you shoot me I honestly yeah I don't need to do this podcast me neither if they shoot me we're dead this is it this is it the last one we do you're right're right.
Okay. Say goodnight.
Then take out your penis.

Let me shoot your penis.

No.

I would never shoot you.

Hold out your hat though.

Can I shoot your hat on camera?

No, no, no.

Shoot the screen or nothing.

I don't want to shoot the fucking TV.

Then we're going to have to get a new TV.

You're weak.

That's it.

Be a man.

Bobby.

In life, this is for showbiz.

This is for entertainment purposes. It's going to ricochet and bounce off.
I'm going to turn around. Watch your eyes.
I'm going to close my computer. Yeah, you can close the computer.
All right, ready? Yeah. Three, two, no signal.
One. Oh, right in the middle holy shit

you did break it

and it says no signal

by the way

a ricochet didn't hit me

right in the shoulder

no really

yeah I swear to god

it didn't hurt

oh my god

it did hurt

it did break it

oh I'm so sorry

that's alright

why did you do it

you fucking said to

I was kidding

why would you do that

it was kind of fun

it was fun huh

something invigorating

about that

yeah yeah

Thank you. why did you do it you fucking said to I was kidding why would you do that it was kind of fun it was fun huh something invigorating about that yeah yeah okay anyway thanks for listening no no no we have to do we have to close the regular way come on look at the camera sit down oh yeah look at the camera and we say thank you for being a bad friend on three in the main camera ready one two three thank you for being a bad friend thank you as as well to our sponsors, Manscaped, BetterHelp, and Buffy.
Get 20% off and free shipping with the code badfriends at manscaped.com. Your balls will thank you.
To start communicating with a licensed therapist in under 24 hours and get the special Bad Friends offer of 10% off your first month, go to betterhelp.com slash badfriends. For $20 off your Buffy betting, visit buffy.co and enter code badfriends.

That's right. Woo-hoo.
Yeah. Woo-hoo.

Yeah.