Rudy Loves Chocolate

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 Probably you two or something. We're bad friends.
Probably one of the funnest birthday parties I've ever been to. Was it one of the most fun birthday parties you've ever done? Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's Chef Yoon right there. He was out of pocket.
What did he do? He didn't do anything. Try to squirt stuff in my mouth then.
Well, he had a sake squirt gun. Yeah.
He had a little sake squirt gun.

Speaker 2 Show the sake squirt gun.

Speaker 2 Let me like the.

Speaker 2 there's Max getting it right in the mouth.

Speaker 2 That had sake and super soaker.

Speaker 2 Super soaker, by the way, invented by a black guy, we learned. Stolen by a white guy.
Wow. We learned that.
We learned that. But show the one of me.

Speaker 2 He let me light the grill on fire.

Speaker 2 Huge.

Speaker 2 More and more and more. He kept yelling.

Speaker 2 And then he goes, Saki Scorkon.

Speaker 2 And he unloads maybe 16 ounces of skirts. Wait, wait, he started the Palisades fire.

Speaker 2 Sexy. Yoon.
Whoa, Yun. Yoon, Yun, Yun.
He hits himself in the face.

Speaker 2 He has flaming rods and he hits himself clean in the face. Not once there, but he does it twice.
He did it right after this. Do it again? Right in the face.
Twice.

Speaker 2 But I told him three times. I go, I'm sober.
The fourth time, he's like, you want to relapse?

Speaker 2 He didn't listen. Relax, work on.

Speaker 2 He was so fun. That guy was one of the most fun times I've ever had in my entire time.
I was threatened by him. You loved him.
I made an announcement, remember? I go, don't replace him with me.

Speaker 2 I would. Yeah, I said,

Speaker 2 are you busy? Do you want to do a podcast? Because he had real good energy. Great comedic timing.
Yeah, good comedic timing. I've been a little off lately.
There's me getting squared. Wow.

Speaker 2 What a silhouette. Looks like someone's pissing in my mouth.
Internet, take this and run with it. Yeah.
Take this and run with it. Carlos also did not get squared in the mouth.

Speaker 2 Carlos, of course, is a for it's our Halloween. It's our spooky Halloween episode.

Speaker 2 You got a Halloween song prepared, Bob? Huh? Bump,

Speaker 2 Well, I'm ready for your lyrics.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm not. No, I'm doing the beat.

Speaker 2 Let's see who goes first.

Speaker 2 Scary Halloween.

Speaker 2 Scary Halloween. Scared of shitness.

Speaker 2 Scary Halloween.

Speaker 2 Who do we have in the studio?

Speaker 2 What the fuck are you? Bump, bump, bump. What the fuck are you?

Speaker 2 You don't just get to moan. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
She thought it was a native cham. Yeah, she's a party girl.
She was going to do a haka there. You know, she's a party girl? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whoa, what's going on with you? You know what's so funny? Going out with all these black guys.

Speaker 2 Yikes. Bump, bump, bump, bump.
Going out with black guys. Bump, bum, bump, bump.
Sleeping over at black guys' house, bump, bump, bump. Walking out of the house like she just rode a horse.

Speaker 2 Bum, bum, bum, bum, bowl legged, bow-legged. Jules, Jules, Jules.
Jules, what have you been doing?

Speaker 4 I've just been.

Speaker 2 Are you dating someone new? Is that what's going on?

Speaker 5 Just seeing a couple of people.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 taking after every time, though, she's just like, look at this guy. It's this gigantic, handsome black guy.
Every time. You like a little bit of chocolate now, huh? You like your chocolate milk?

Speaker 2 I love chocolate. You love chocolate.
Fantastic.

Speaker 2 How come I never see Asians in your little rotation?

Speaker 4 I've done Asians.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know you have.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You've moved on? Yeah.
Moved on, moved up. Try something else.
Yeah. Yeah, you got to try other stuff.
And that's Carlos's life motto. You got to try other stuff.

Speaker 2 I do agree with that. Honestly, we're not going to be able to hear a word that you're going to say.
Yeah, take that fucking thing off. What is that, by the way?

Speaker 6 It's a furry mask. It's like something a shooter would Google at night.

Speaker 2 My favorite thing is you pretending like you already didn't have that costume. Oh, order a furry.
Yeah. Like that wasn't in your closet.

Speaker 6 I've always wanted to try it since I saw it on Entourage like 15 years ago.

Speaker 2 Who did a furry on Entourage?

Speaker 6 Drama has sex with a girl.

Speaker 2 Who's a furry? Yeah. Shout out to the furry community.
Dude, I met me and DeRosa in Vegas, met these two beautiful, three beautiful, sweet women who were dominatrices. And I wanted the download.

Speaker 2 And she was like, I'm a big fan. Where's Bobby? First question out of everybody's mouth.
Where's Bobby? You doing with Shane? Yeah, Shane. I did a couple of shows in Vegas.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have a photo for you. What is that? We'll show you a photo.

Speaker 2 I did a couple of shows with Shane in Vegas. Shane,

Speaker 2 you know, just phenomenal, dude. The venue was unbelievable.
What is that? Oh, it's a photo of me and

Speaker 2 Taylor Swift, yeah.

Speaker 5 I'm friends with Taylor Swift.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. You guys.

Speaker 2 Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, baby.

Speaker 2 He's high class now.

Speaker 2 Elite, elite.

Speaker 2 No. No, we went to the football game.
It's funny that that's the only photo that they chose to snag of me. The Times of India.
Oh, the Elvis of India.

Speaker 2 Once you've made it, you've made it, man.

Speaker 2 Taylor's a surprising chat with Andrew. Surprising chat with loser, ugly ginger boy, Andrew Santino, Chiefs game.
Sparks' wedding discs. Yeah, this was the most misinterpreted thing I've ever said.

Speaker 2 I said,

Speaker 2 I probably, I had said on

Speaker 2 pardon my take, I had said, like, they were like, oh, you're going to go to the wedding? I was like, dude, I don't know. I also don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 2 I was like, leave me the fuck alone about this. But that photo, though, so you're mid-smile, you're like looking out.
You have your finger.

Speaker 2 You have your finger finger here. She must have said something funny.
So what?

Speaker 2 So you say what she said.

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 2 If you think I'm going to let you bait me.

Speaker 2 What's the finger about, though? I'm sure I was. I tried to cover your mouth.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I was covering my mouth.
I was saying a racially charged joke to her, and I was trying to cover my mouth. Yeah.
And she's in mid saying a punch sign or something. And you just look at your face.

Speaker 2 You've never laughed that hard in front of me, ever.

Speaker 2 What gods. what is she saying that's going to give you that reaction?

Speaker 2 I actually don't. Look at that face.
I don't know the moment in time. I've never seen you make that face.
What? What does she smell like? Yeah, what does she smell like? Tell us.

Speaker 2 I mean, you could, why don't you guess?

Speaker 2 Rose, matcha. Rose hips.
Yeah, rose hips. Rose hips.
Yeah, you know what I mean? Soft served matcha.

Speaker 2 That's just your favorite. That's why you're sad.
No, no, no, no. Just on the pits.

Speaker 2 She smells like a global superstar would smell. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Boggle that up.

Speaker 2 Dude, she's so very sweet, very cool, very nice. And they're very courteous to let me even come near

Speaker 2 that booth because

Speaker 2 probably the most unaccomplished, ugly guy in the whole click. But

Speaker 2 they let me in. Wow.
Anyway, incredible. What was I saying? You broke up my brain.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why'd you break up my brain? What were we saying? Oh, these dominatrices. Oh, yeah.
Joe and I go to get pizza after the Gillis show.

Speaker 2 And we go to get pizza, and these three women, it was the, dude, this is crazy in Vegas.

Speaker 2 It was the marathon, the four aces, the WNBA team's parade for winning a championship, EmoFest, which was, you would have fucking

Speaker 2 dashboard confessionals, my favorite.

Speaker 2 Well, Blink played with Panic of the Disco and two, I don't know, three other bands. And we meet these three girls.
And I was like, oh, did you guys go to EmoFest? And she's like, kind of.

Speaker 2 We did something else. I was like, oh, what did you do? And she's like, we're Dominatrices.
And I was like, I am so fucking curious about, like, I want to know.

Speaker 2 I was like, what, like, how many guys, what percentage of men do you actually like hook up with or who just wants the, you know, the game? And she's like, it's much, it's way low on actual sex.

Speaker 2 I got tied up once.

Speaker 2 Oh, tied up is nothing. This is like kick, beat, insult, drag, make you dress up in different outfits, spitting, kicking.
I go, how many guys get like,

Speaker 2 genital mutilation? She's like, a ton, a high amount of people. Like razor blades to the anything, kick pull squeeze shitting

Speaker 2 yeah these were not shiza girls these were not

Speaker 2 german these weren't german girls they weren't german girls yeah we came to vegas for a little yeah little poopy poopy circus circus poopy poopy would you ever get that done though brother what no get tied up and i don't like no why not i'm missionary for a minute and a half and then go to bed really okay a minute maybe a full minute not even a minute and a half yeah no i don't want to get hurt while i have sex that's not for me

Speaker 2 i respect it i do easy mode first.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. Yeah, yeah.
Don't go full full-blown master. I play as the first guy, you know, as the first avatar.
Like an NPC? Yeah, this is the simple NPC. This is me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's who I am. I've been willing to get tied my hands behind my back.
You're this NPC. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
My legs tied like this, right? And just a light smack on the cheek. I don't mind.

Speaker 2 And then I'll go, you know what I mean? Turn it up. Turn it up.
You got to start. You got to start with one.
You can't start at nine. You can't start at nine when your first time getting tied up.

Speaker 2 It's nuts. No, no, no.
I go, okay, do that, right? Just a little paka. And then level two is what? Two cheeks.

Speaker 2 Double, double.

Speaker 2 Two cheek it. Two cheek it.
Pop. Maybe she chokes a little bit.
Right. And then maybe stick a

Speaker 2 toothpick inside the penis hole. Yeah, yeah.
No. No.

Speaker 2 What level is that? I don't know. That's level five or six.
You're skipping left.

Speaker 2 I'm skipping level five. Level go from like pop, pop.
Oh, all right, all right. No, no, no.
So three. Oh, twist my nips.
Twist nips, twist nips. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Twist nips.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I'm not talking about my Japanese. Carlos likes, by the way, Carlos is a nip twist.
Yeah. But she was fascinated, dude.
I was so intrigued. I was like, I want to know everything about it.

Speaker 2 The one girl was very shareable. The other one was like, I'm eating my pizza.
Leave me alone. I wish I was there.
You would have loved it, dude. I would have done it.
And they were rad.

Speaker 2 How much money do you think? She didn't tell because I didn't want to ask her about finances. But I imagine, because I did say, how expensive does it get?

Speaker 2 And she's like, well, some sessions are in the thousands.

Speaker 2 So in the multi-thousands, why am I? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We have one right there. But do people orgasm or are they just like the pain? It's not about coming.

Speaker 2 God damn it, that's the best part. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you just need a Richie.
Isn't that the best part? Of course.

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 2 Mecom? Who? Me coming?

Speaker 2 I would love to see Richie tied up, dude. Can we get you a Dominatrix and you'd be down to sure? Yeah, yeah.
We're going to film it. Okay.
You're really down to be on cam.

Speaker 2 Depending on how far it goes. I also met a guy.
Level five, toothpicks in the bush. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 I also met a guy this weekend who, in this familial group of friends

Speaker 2 that I guess we had met before. He is a, he works in porn.
He started off as a film, as a filmographer. He started off as McCone, right?

Speaker 2 A shooter. And now I go, you ever get in front of the camera? He goes, I've been doing it lately.
I go, ooh, little tiny Filipino guy. I go, what's going on with that? Who is it? And he goes,

Speaker 2 yeah, it's kind of cool. I go, well, what do you, what are you, like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm the cuck.

Speaker 2 So he's like, I don't get to penetrate.

Speaker 2 I'm the boyfriend that gets cheated on in front of me with the girl well tell me explain explain explain he's the cuck he in the video of like you know like in a in a porn where it's like he's cucking he just stands there and watches that's not him yeah yeah yeah but he just stands there and watches can he play with himself while it's happening no oh man that's like the punishment can he stick his finger in his own he can do nothing okay he doesn't i go do you ever get anything he goes no i just have to watch that's what that would be me i'd just be like with one finger in there

Speaker 2 one finger in your ass i wouldn't even go up and down i'd just stick it in

Speaker 2 he was great he was very very interesting. Wow.
Very, very interesting stories. This weekend in Vegas was an interesting little.

Speaker 2 I wonder what that, but I mean, it must be arousing to watch.

Speaker 2 I mean, I don't know. I mean, I think the goal would be to not get into it because then you're really in character.
Because it's about the pain of it all. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Some guys let their, they like to watch their wives. That's what cooking is.
That's what it is. Well, I'm just explaining to the audience.

Speaker 2 No, but which, I mean, you're talking to one of my family members who watches the show weekly?

Speaker 2 My aunt is like, hmm, thank you, Pop.

Speaker 2 A hot wife is a married woman who has sexual relations with other men with the full knowledge and consent of the husband. That's just the opposite.
They call them hot wives.

Speaker 2 So a hot wife is a woman who has a cuck husband. Yeah.
And it's all good to go. Consensual non-monogamy.
I want to be with an ugly wife, so I can do it.

Speaker 2 I'll be the hot husband. Buddy.
Well, you don't think I'd ever be the hot. I don't know, buddy.
You don't think I'd ever be the hot husband?

Speaker 2 I don't think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Not in this lifetime.

Speaker 2 I can describe to you the woman. I believe in reincarnation.
I do think in your next life you could be.

Speaker 2 But I do not think that's in your cards this time around.

Speaker 2 And that's a compliment because you date women much more attractive than you.

Speaker 2 That makes me so upset what you're saying. Shreking.

Speaker 2 You're Shreking. I'm not Shreking.

Speaker 2 You've been Shrek at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're Shrek King. Yeah, yeah.
You tell me you don't date women out of your league? That's insane. That's all you do is date beautiful women.

Speaker 2 That's all you do. And that's a compliment.
Yeah. but it's a backhanded one.
It's so backhanded. But it doesn't matter.
Every guy we know dates women out of their league.

Speaker 2 Do you know someone that's with someone that's compared that's on their level of looks? Yeah, you're right. I don't want to name names.
I know a couple of guys with girlfriends. I'm like.
Who are in?

Speaker 2 I'm not. But I had a magical little weekend in Vegas.
It was wonderful. It is an interesting city.
Is it dead, like they say? No, fuck no. What do you mean? I just told you how many things were there.

Speaker 2 Like, literally, the marathon, EmoFest, every hotel was packed, sold out. It was crazy.

Speaker 2 Look, it's probably also because it's high season right now because it's getting shitty in other parts of the country. People want to go get away.

Speaker 2 And Vegas was perfect weather and the shows were fucking incredible. And we were gambling with Shane's dad, which was the funniest thing in the world because Shane gave him a little bit of money.

Speaker 2 I've met his dad. I like his dad.
Phil's the fucking greatest man alive. He gave him a little bit of money.
So we go down and sit at the table.

Speaker 2 And Shane was like, I got to go to my room to go get money because I have cash in the room. And I was like, well, we can just give you cash.
And he's like, no, Phil, I just gave you cash.

Speaker 2 He just gave his his dad cash. Like he had just given it to him.
And he was giving me some. And his dad was so funny.
He's like, no, no, I'll give you a little bit.

Speaker 2 And he was like holding out on giving him money. And Shane was like, are you fucking serious right now?

Speaker 2 I just gave you that money.

Speaker 9 But he gave him like a lot of money.

Speaker 2 I think he just handed it to him. He was like, dad, go gamble.
And he was holding back on it. But dude, Shane, on fire.
Yeah, he's. No, no, he was gambling.
He was winning money. I lost all my money.

Speaker 2 And at the very end, he goes, we got to go. We were going to go to this other thing.
And he goes, just put whatever all in. And I was like, all in.
I go all in and I'm excited. I get 20.

Speaker 2 I get two face cards and I'm like, we're winning. She, she flops out 21.

Speaker 2 It actually hurt. It actually hurt.

Speaker 2 He was like, you're good. You don't care.
I was like, no, no, no, it's okay.

Speaker 2 It was all the money that I put down, but it's okay. It doesn't matter.
You asked me about my weekend?

Speaker 2 Well, I'll act the same as you just acted about me explaining my weekend. What about your weekend? Here, what happened in your weekend? What did you do? Nothing.

Speaker 2 No, I went to, to, I did the Irvine Improv.

Speaker 2 Again. Orange County's finest.
Yeah. Can I ask you this, though? Okay, so I have a real problem.

Speaker 2 I need your advice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, you know,

Speaker 2 I don't want this to be taken the wrong way. Okay.
How many black guys have you been dating?

Speaker 4 Just two.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And no whites? No whites. Good for you.
Good girl.

Speaker 2 So I've been kind of like a black guy where I have a lot of entourage now. Oh, yeah.
How How many people are you traveling with? Well, because I called you from the hotel room. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I talked to, it was you, Ramsey, Cat Bird,

Speaker 2 Luke, Luke,

Speaker 2 and one more person. But then Gilbert, Alex, my guy, showed up.
Yeah. And a couple of assistants from the agency.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 But here's my problem with. Mr.
Hollywood. Really? Come with an entourage from Hollywood.
Cut to the Tailor Shotoo.

Speaker 2 Taylor Sufoto. Go to the Taylor Sufoto.
I cut to the Entourage from Hollywood. I didn't bring an entourage.

Speaker 2 What? I didn't bring an entourage. With Taylor, the world is your entourage.

Speaker 2 You've never heard that quote before?

Speaker 2 No, but I got to tell you, you never used that. It's really good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The world is your entourage.
The world is your entourage. So what? You had about eight, nine people in the.

Speaker 2 Right, but my problem is, and this is fine, right? I'm, you know, I can afford it, but

Speaker 7 you're so annoying.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's just a matter of time.

Speaker 2 But in between shows, right? It's like, I need to eat. Yeah.
Right? So everyone goes. Everybody's got to go eat.
No one has money.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, you have to. No one has money.
Well, dude, no one has money. You're taking your guys from the store.
I know, I know. Of course they don't have to.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden it's like, I'm fine, right?

Speaker 2 But I'm like, you know, there's all these, like, we went to this Korean restaurant, which is pretty good, right? Next to the, there's a new Korean restaurant next to the Irvine Improv. Okay.
Right.

Speaker 2 And it's, it's called Golbi Social Club. Close.
Yeah. They're right there.
Yeah, yeah. And it's literally right next to the, right? So I'm like, let's just go to the Golbi.

Speaker 2 You're going, and then they have these packages, like, you know what I mean? Yeah. What kind of meats do you want? Like, there's a feast package.
Sure. Right.

Speaker 2 And usually, like, I can, I'll just go, I'll take one of that. Right.
But now it's like, yeah, I'll take five of that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right? It adds up.
It adds up too. It adds up.
Right. And people are feasting.
Yeah. They're doing the Trump feast.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Throwing, you know what I mean? Boogogee in their mouth.

Speaker 2 Right. Playing a little game.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
Right? Marinated, marinated. And then they're ordering more, more steamed eggs.
More steamed eggs. Right.
In my mind, I'm calculating more steamed egg.

Speaker 2 That's fucking

Speaker 2 $19.95 there. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Sake, drink. On and on.
All right. And you get the bill and you look around the table and they all look like little orphan Annie's friends.
Yeah, meek, right? Like all of her twists.

Speaker 2 May I have another, sir? May I have another bowl of poetry? Just one more steamed egg, please. Yeah, right.
And then it's just like, you got to do it because.

Speaker 2 Why don't you tell me how much it was?

Speaker 2 I mean, that many people? What is the bill for that many people? It's not that much. It's not that much.

Speaker 2 Like I said, I can afford it. You can.

Speaker 2 And you did it, so that's what happens. But yeah,

Speaker 2 you have no problem with it. There is a code of stand-up that

Speaker 2 you are supposed to pay for your openers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You have to with

Speaker 2 the money and they're free. Everyone from CAA, come down.
Well, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, okay.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Come on down.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 With the agents, by the way, the rule is

Speaker 2 the hierarchy pays. The agents, when they show up, they should pay.
It wasn't the agents, it was the assistants. Why? Oh, then you got to pay.
I got to pay.

Speaker 2 But if the agent shows up or someone at the agency, they pay because I love them, by the way. Thanks for showing up because it makes you feel good that the company's coming out.

Speaker 2 I don't want anybody to show up ever to my shows. That's at my agency.
Please don't ever show up. Yeah, yeah.
Come on down. Come on down.

Speaker 2 Go to his shows. I prefer no one to come.
You know, I want the group. Go to Arby's before and then.

Speaker 2 I want my host, my feature, and that's it. Yeah.
That's all. I don't want a bunch of people.
I feel good. I honored you.
You like the entourage. No, no, no.
It gets you off. You like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You enjoy that thing. And then all of a sudden, like, you know what I mean? A guy has three other friends.
You know what I mean? They came to the show. Comped.

Speaker 2 Sure. Comped.
Yeah. Well,

Speaker 2 what? They're not going to pay for that. Fine.
It's fine. But then they're like, can they come? And you're like, they can come.
Yeah, let them come.

Speaker 2 Everyone wants to come.

Speaker 2 Let everybody come. Right, Richie? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Say, let everybody come. Let everybody come.
Clip it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Honestly, dude, you got to do it. Yeah.
But what's my opinion? You wanted my opinion? Do you have to do it? Yeah, you got to do it. It's the hierarchy of pay.
Those that make the most.

Speaker 2 And by the way, then when you're with other comics, like at our, we either swap, like, I'll pay, you pay, or you do credit card roulette.

Speaker 2 So one of us has to throw a credit card in a hat and then one of the, and usually make the server pick it. Then they pick it out.
And then whoever gets hit gets hit.

Speaker 3 Have you ever picked up the tab?

Speaker 2 No. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Have you ever picked up the tab? I don't even think she pays for gas.

Speaker 4 Sometimes with in my friends.

Speaker 2 No. Really? Sometimes.
Okay, let me ask you this. In your friend group, do you have the most money? I don't think so.
Really? I've seen your friend group.

Speaker 2 Jules, let's go out to each. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gremlins.

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Speaker 2 I'm telling you something right now, Andrew. I do therapy every week, right? And I think it's very vital for my mental health.
I need it. You know, I had so much trauma growing up as a kid, and I,

Speaker 2 you know, I use EMDR or other methods to take the power away from those terrible moments in my life, and

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Speaker 4 Yeah, but I don't, I never, I don't know. Sometimes.

Speaker 2 How about this? When you're going out on dates now.

Speaker 4 Oh, I don't pay.

Speaker 2 You cannot pay. No, I don't.
Do you offer half? You don't even do that. No.
No, thank you.

Speaker 2 Has any guy ever said, do you want to split it?

Speaker 8 No, but that would be crazy.

Speaker 2 I would just leave. I saw a video the other day.
I was empowerment right there? Yeah. On full display.
A TikTok where a guy picks up a girl first date, and the girl brings her son to get a free meal.

Speaker 2 How old's the kid? He's like five years old. That's okay.

Speaker 2 If you picked up a girl with a kid. Five years old is cute.
Five's funny.

Speaker 2 You know what, by the way? You use that as ammunition. You joke with the kid.
You say funny stuff. You make faces.
You make him laugh. She loves you more.
That's a home run.

Speaker 2 Okay, I guess you get a strategy. Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Oh, by the way,

Speaker 2 five, six, kind of the cutoff. If she brings a 10-year-old, that's bananas.
Yeah, he can stay at home alone. 10? I was, I mean, when we started being home alone, we were like eight.
Yeah. You're fine.

Speaker 2 There's hot dogs in the fridge. Do you remember I was dating?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so I remember she came out with her son. That kid was 30.
Yeah, yeah. No, he was 12 years old.
Right. Right.

Speaker 2 That's over the breaking point. And then he goes,

Speaker 2 when I pick him from the airport, all he could say is, I have a sore throat.

Speaker 2 He has a little short throat? Yeah, no sore throat. Oh, a short third.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I have a sore throat, right? So we get to my house and I go to, you know, DoorDash and I just go.
I have a sore throat. Yeah.
I can only eat caviar. I said, hey, kiddo.

Speaker 2 I said, hey, kiddo, what kind of flavor do you want? I don't care. I gave him every brand.
Well, that's a problem.

Speaker 2 It comes to my house.

Speaker 2 I give him packets of it, like bags of it. He sticks it in his mouth and he goes

Speaker 2 and spits it on the floor, right? Denied. So then I go, pick it up.
And he goes, you pick it up.

Speaker 2 He goes, I go, pick it up. You pick it up.
I go, pick it up. She goes, you pick it up.
You know what I did? I picked it up. Yeah, you did it.
Yeah, yeah. I fucking picked it up.

Speaker 2 He never had another bag again. I still have those fucking sorts, the fucking things in my house.
He's got a bag of swords. Yeah, yeah.
Ever since then, I'm like, no more kids.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you got to cut it off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But five or six is cute. And you use that.
You go, you, you, you ingratiate yourself to the kid. Then it's going, oh, he's a nice guy, he likes my kid.

Speaker 2 And if the kid's funny, you might have more fun with him than the dates. She would have to be

Speaker 2 Carlos, back me up on this. Yeah, they got to be hot because they have to be the hottest thing.

Speaker 2 I look,

Speaker 2 not in the dating game, but I got to tell you, there's probably a lot of five-year-olds I'd rather joke around with than some of the girls that you date.

Speaker 2 They're annoying, right?

Speaker 2 Some of them are for sure.

Speaker 7 They're annoying, right?

Speaker 2 Some of them. I can see your face.
Some of them. I'd rather be like, I'd rather chat with a five-year-old about trains and monsters.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I remember one time I was with a girl and we were in Vegas or something. You literally called, because I was gone, I went to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 You go, you got to get the fuck back here.

Speaker 2 I go away. I go, you said, so-and-so is fucking annoying.
You can't leave me alone with these people. I don't know what to talk to them about.

Speaker 2 I feel more comfortable with a kid and we can joke around. I can make a fart noise and that's 30 minutes right there.

Speaker 2 I start doing

Speaker 2 and they're like, ah, they lose their mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can't do that to your date. I had this one girl.
I had this one girl go.

Speaker 2 She had to come back and apologize to you for being rude.

Speaker 2 Do you remember that? I do. Because she was just like, because she was a huge fan.
But then she was like, but when I meet him. A fan of you? No, not a fan of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 She said, when I meet him, Andrew, right?

Speaker 2 I got to have confidence. You know what I mean? I got to, like, I can't be a fangirl.
Right. I'm like, no, just be yourself.
I go, just be your fucking self. She goes, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 And then when she met you, she was a fucking bitch. Super mean.
Yeah. She was like, hey, what's up?

Speaker 2 And in my mind, I'm like,

Speaker 2 what are you doing? Not the movie. Yeah, yeah.
And then, like, 10 minutes later, she had to come back up to you and go, hey, sorry about my attitude. But at that point, I was already out.
You're out.

Speaker 2 I'm out. Yeah.
I'm out. Yeah.
It's my point. So, look, on new dates, new dates, bring a kid, ladies, out there.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 I don't have a kid.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yet.

Speaker 2 Mark my words, no, yeah, it's coming for you, but you're up to no good. If you went on a date with a guy and he had a couple of kids, would you would that turn you off or no?

Speaker 4 I think right now it would.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 5 I just don't want to deal with kids.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, but what if you met a guy? Okay, look, you're 23. Yeah.
What if you met a guy that's 28 and he has a kid?

Speaker 8 Then no.

Speaker 2 Here, look, ages 20 to 29, which is your age range, approximately 24% of black men in this age range have father to child.

Speaker 2 So a quarter quarter of the men that are going to take you out have a father, so, or have a child. So, you're going to meet a guy who's going to have a kid.

Speaker 2 You're going to have to decide at some point, what are you going to do? Are you going to fall in love with this man and be the new mom?

Speaker 4 No, I don't want to be a mom.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm just telling you,

Speaker 2 statistics are there. Ever.
Yeah. 35% of non-Hispanic Asian people.

Speaker 3 I'm trying to be like you, Tito Babby.

Speaker 2 Like, explain to me what I'm like. Single

Speaker 8 and just old and just like.

Speaker 2 Yeah, single and old. Single and old.
Do you say I want to be like you? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Interesting. Really? Yeah.
I influenced you in that way. I think so.
Yeah, yeah. My lifestyle.
Yeah. Yeah.
You are a life coach. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Yeah, you are.
Because last night I was just like, I'm just going to play Dying Light part two until five in the morning. How'd that go? Great.
Completed it. No, it's impossible.

Speaker 2 There's so many silent games. You can't beat it.
It's on and on. It's the scary.
It's the dumbest game. At night, have you ever played Dying Light? No, not yet.
At night, it's the most terrifying.

Speaker 5 What about Silent Who?

Speaker 2 I couldn't couldn't finish it. I couldn't finish it.

Speaker 2 I started watching the BTK Killer last night, and everybody's, because everyone's been sending me that it's you. I know, dude.
You saw the BTTK Killer. The drawing is you.
Have you seen the drawing?

Speaker 2 I know. Go to BTK Killer.

Speaker 2 Please don't. I get DMs and texts about it.
All day. Look at that.
That's 100% you.

Speaker 2 That's so obvious,

Speaker 2 Richie. That's so obviously you, though.
It's like, who's that? That's Bobby Lee. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you watch that BTK Killer? No, but I'm a big fan.

Speaker 2 It's tragic, dude. It's awful to watch.
Who's here? It's heartbreaking. Who is here?

Speaker 2 Who's here?

Speaker 2 Oh. Do we have a guest? Oh,

Speaker 2 spooky spooky.

Speaker 2 Spooky.

Speaker 2 Spooky flame. Spooky flame.
Spooky, spooky. Spooky flame is here.
Spooky flame.

Speaker 2 Dude, you look like you just got off a meth binge. Yeah, it looks like somebody extinguished your flame there.
Yeah, what's going on, dude?

Speaker 2 You look wild-eyed. Oh,

Speaker 11 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Your eyes are so blue.

Speaker 2 Yeah, your eyes are blue.

Speaker 2 Okay, thank you. Thank you.
Beautiful boy. Thank you.
How's it been going? Real beautiful. Good.
Is this your Halloween costume? We asked you to come in costume.

Speaker 11 Yes. It's like the Project X outfit.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's what you wore in the movie? Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Is that exactly the clothes that you wore in the film? Yes.

Speaker 11 Well, I mean, different jacket, but pretty much.

Speaker 2 Can I be honest with you, bud? It's not even a little bit like that. Wait, zoom in.
Look at how young you are there. How old are you there?

Speaker 11 18.

Speaker 2 wow wow

Speaker 7 how old are you now 33.

Speaker 2 is that good memories of project x yeah yeah you do you have good memories of that that was filmed near here yeah yeah you still do you still get residuals from that movie uh yeah pretty small but yes like what's an average one from that film um i think probably like three thousand a year

Speaker 2 oh that's not bad yeah not bad free money yeah and then Dumb and Dumber? No, what?

Speaker 11 Is who y'all are dressed as?

Speaker 2 No, Ben and Jerry, the ice cream. Ben and Jerry, Jerry, the ice cream.
Okay. I'm Chunky Monkey.
Yeah. Who are you?

Speaker 4 Meg.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay, cool. Cool.
It's not all part of the same theme.

Speaker 2 Like, those guys are not part of Ben and Jerry at all.

Speaker 2 Can you guess what they are? What do you think Carlos is?

Speaker 11 Oh, Sonic.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, Sonic the Hedgehog.
And look who's right next to him. It's Tails right there.
That's Tails. Richie's Tails.
Richie, what do you think Richie is?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Karen Carpenter.
Karen Carpenter. And then who do you think is in the back there? Who do you think is in the the back? He told me Groucho Marx.
So you already got tipped off. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, can you want to lie and retake it again?

Speaker 2 Who is that in the back?

Speaker 11 Someone with a mustache.

Speaker 2 You started off right.

Speaker 2 It's Hitler. It's Hitler.
That's actually Hitler.

Speaker 2 That's Hitler before he shaved it into a little tiny.

Speaker 2 So Hitler, actually,

Speaker 2 that's actually the outfit that he was known for the most. And then he shaved a little tiny mustache here.
The art school one. This is art school Hitler.
Yeah. Oh, yeah, the art school Hitler, dude.

Speaker 2 That's art school Hitler

Speaker 2 That was art school Hitler before he got denied and kind of really changed his thought process about the world

Speaker 2 But there he is. That's art school Hitler.
Is that him as a kid? Yeah. Yeah.
Do you think you could at that point look at that? Whoa.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Look at those legs.
But as a kid, do you think he looks like Pete? You'd be able to change his mind? Huh?

Speaker 2 If you ran into Hitler, you had a time machine, you ran into that Hitler that was like nine years old,

Speaker 2 do you think you could be able to change the direction of his life?

Speaker 2 What would you say? That's a really good question. Yeah, what would you say? Hi, little Hitler.

Speaker 2 I can't do the.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.
Hello. Hello, little Hitler.

Speaker 2 Hello, Chinese boy.

Speaker 2 Already, it's hard. Yeah.
Well, you know, I'm not Chinese. I think you're just, you know, I'm from a different, but, you know, we're all human beings.
We're all the kind of the same.

Speaker 2 You're all from China as far as I'm concerned.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I get it, but it's like I'm Korean. Rice man please you know what calling derogatory words little rice man tiny little

Speaker 2 yeah yeah anyway um no I like you you people are okay yeah you're not so bad yeah I think all people are equal no all people are equal yeah

Speaker 2 not all

Speaker 2 what do you what do you mean a few people don't deserve the same things as me

Speaker 2 I see well let's go through let's go through the fucking groups blacks Jews Asian yeah all equal

Speaker 2 They're equal on their little plane.

Speaker 2 Oh, so you're in a different category. Yeah, we're superior.
Okay.

Speaker 2 No, you killed 90 older. I would kill him.
You can't flip that guy. I don't think it was born.
I don't think he was born like that. I think something tragic happened to him.

Speaker 2 I think he was probably molested in art school, which is why he had this whole weird art school thing.

Speaker 2 He was molested, and then this was his rage against the world.

Speaker 2 Was Hitler molested? Gotta be.

Speaker 5 Was he gay?

Speaker 2 Gotta be. No, Hitler wasn't gay, dude.
Dude, he wasn't cool enough to be gay. Historians and scholars have found no credible evidence Adolf Hitler was sexually molested.

Speaker 2 Rumors circulated after World War II. These were largely for propaganda purposes and have been discredited.
I like how they discredited,

Speaker 2 like, they had to go out of their way to find out. They're like, all right, who molested Hitler? He had a harsh enough

Speaker 2 dramatic episodes. Yeah, I think he had something fucked up.

Speaker 9 All right, raise your hand if you molested Hitler.

Speaker 2 Guys, come on. We're not going to get back to painting until you guys tell me who did it.
Yeah. We want want to do watercolors.

Speaker 2 Listen,

Speaker 2 I think he was born that way. You really do.
He's probably a sociopath. No, because something had to have happened to him, dude.
I think we're all born pretty clean and good. Something cracks a human.

Speaker 2 Something breaks. Every time you watch these true crime documentaries, something really bad happened.

Speaker 2 Right? Dax, has anything really bad happened to you in your life?

Speaker 11 Not like that.

Speaker 2 See? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's why he's high-functioning, normal adult. Yeah.

Speaker 11 But someone did say something the other day about

Speaker 11 often serial killers are bed wetters to an older age.

Speaker 2 And when did you stop? I did.

Speaker 11 I did until old, too old, but not anymore, of course. Like maybe like nine or something.
Nine?

Speaker 2 Pretty old to wet the bed. Yeah.

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's older than you. But not kids that women bring on dates with Bobby.
That's pretty, nine is old. I can imagine him coming downstairs like in the exorcist.
Ages appease him.

Speaker 2 The triad was proposed in 63 by psychiatrist J.M. McDonald based on the observation of a small group of non-violent patients who had made threats.

Speaker 2 It's a misconception that serial killers are bedwetters. That's not true.
Okay. The McDonald triad.
So that's not.

Speaker 11 It's been like getting a head injury, right?

Speaker 2 What? A head injury. Head injury, molestation, both physical and sexual abuse towards that.

Speaker 2 They all kind of have a lot of that stuff in common.

Speaker 2 But if you look at our society and then you look at like

Speaker 2 how many serial killers were in Sweden or Thailand, you're talking about low numbers, like three, four people throughout their history.

Speaker 2 Well, the highest concentration of serial killers has got to be from here. It is.

Speaker 2 Well, we're number one. Thousands.
We're number one again.

Speaker 5 But why here?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Head injuries.
No. What? You have the most head injuries.

Speaker 2 You think so? A lot of doctors dropping babies. Yeah.
Studies suggest a correlation between head injuries and serial killing. It's not a direct cause, but there is a tie.

Speaker 2 I wonder what the other one is.

Speaker 2 What's your your favorite breakfast, Jules?

Speaker 8 Rice, eggs, and seaweed, and kimchi, and

Speaker 2 spam. Google that and see if that's a serial killer meal.
That sounds like one. That's exactly what I like.
What do serial killers eat?

Speaker 11 Is it like a mixed up?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What is that called? Is that called the dish? Do you have a nickname it something? I don't think so. Serial killers are a variety of foods.
Zoom in.

Speaker 2 There's no single serial killer diet, and there should be. That's a new diet plan.

Speaker 2 You want to have a ripped body? You got to have the serial killer diet. The last meals, fried chicken, french fries, onion, soup.
Well, another one requested steak with baked potato.

Speaker 2 I've been thinking about Dahmer lately, but I don't know. No, we're not going back down that rabbit hole.

Speaker 9 We have some famous horror movie scenes to bring.

Speaker 2 I'd love to do a script reading.

Speaker 3 Let me see, Dax.

Speaker 9 Most of the sense we have a professional actor among us, Dax.

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Speaker 2 Do you see one that you want to do, Jules? I mean, you love scary movies.

Speaker 2 What about Seven? The scene from Seven. Yeah, let's do Seven.
Who are you going to be, Jules? Mills or John Doe?

Speaker 2 Um

Speaker 2 Mills. Okay.
You're John Doe? You're going to be John. No, no, no.
You got to be John Doe. I'm going to do stage directions.
Okay, please. Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 8 Who's Mills again?

Speaker 2 I don't remember. What?

Speaker 8 Who's Mills?

Speaker 2 That's Brad Pitt's character, right?

Speaker 9 Then, Dax, you are Somerset in this scene. Okay.

Speaker 2 And remember, Somerset,

Speaker 2 you're an old black man.

Speaker 2 You really got to turn on that voice. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it Morgan Freeman? Yes, it is. Have you ever seen the movie? Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Even better.

Speaker 2 Marshlands, early evening.

Speaker 2 Here he comes.

Speaker 2 That's what? What's up?

Speaker 2 You're Kevin Spacey in this. That was my Spacey.

Speaker 2 Okay, my bad. He's talking about a boy you can't get.
Yeah, extension.

Speaker 2 Extension, Marshall.

Speaker 2 Marshlands, early evening. Here he comes.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 I wish I could have lived like you.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 8 The fuck you talking about?

Speaker 2 Do you hear me, Detective? I'm trying to tell you how much I admire you and your pretty wife. wife.
What? Tracy.

Speaker 5 What you fucking say.

Speaker 2 Two Asian. Free dolphins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Mills freezes, turns to Doe. Doe smiles.
Somerset is close. It's disturbing how easily a member of the press can purchase information from the men in your precinct.

Speaker 2 Somerset starts running towards Mill.

Speaker 11 Throw your gun down.

Speaker 2 Now that is Morgan Freeman.

Speaker 2 Now that is Morgan Freeman.

Speaker 2 Give me to me one more time. Yeah.
You're also screaming it. Throw your gun down.

Speaker 7 I know, but

Speaker 2 that was like. I understand that, but you know how far apart they are? Yeah, you're yelling.
You're literally like, you know what I mean, a quarter of a mile away. Go for it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Throw your gun down. Same outcome.
Yeah, very good. Same outcome.
Yeah, yeah. I visited your home this morning after you'd left.
Meals is filled with aching terror. I tried to play husband.

Speaker 2 I tried to taste the life of a simple man. Somerset is 50 yards away and closing.
Throw it away. Louder.

Speaker 2 Throw it away. Loud as you can.
Yeah. Throw it away.
It didn't work out, so I took a souvenir. Her pretty head.
Mills.

Speaker 2 Mills raises his gun in the air. Mills, gun in the air.

Speaker 11 No, no, no. Give me the gun.

Speaker 7 What's going on over there?

Speaker 2 Somerset throws his own weapon away.

Speaker 11 Put the gun down.

Speaker 5 Show me the box. What was in the box?

Speaker 2 Because I envy your normal life.

Speaker 5 put the gun down David it seems that envy is my sin what's in the box what's in the fucking box I just told you you lied you're a fucking liar shut up

Speaker 2 cut cut for a second just cut for a second right um

Speaker 2 you you I think you subconsciously know that there's something terrifying in the box and you I think you do know that it's your wife's severed head so you're angry Much more panicked.

Speaker 2 Well, how would you feel if you, if you did, if you, if someone had a severed head of someone that you love?

Speaker 2 Scared. Scared.
Yeah. And pissed.
And mad. And mad.
Rage. Well, imagine if someone came to you in the desert with a box and Tito's Bobby's head was in there.
How would you feel?

Speaker 4 Mad.

Speaker 2 But not with a smile.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't think I would be a good example.

Speaker 2 I think.

Speaker 2 Somebody else. Yeah.

Speaker 7 No, I'd be mad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, mad. Issa, your sister.
Ooh, Issa's head is in a box.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. No, not in a happy.
Don't. Yeah, yeah.
Why are you smiling? The smiling is crazy. Or let's go back to.

Speaker 2 Let's go back to it seems that envy is my sin. It seems that envy is my sin.

Speaker 5 What's in the box? What's in the fucking box?

Speaker 2 I just told you.

Speaker 5 You lied. You're a fucking liar.
Shut up.

Speaker 11 It's what he wants. He wants you to shoot him.

Speaker 11 No,

Speaker 8 no, you tell me that's not true. That's not true.

Speaker 2 Become vigilance, David.

Speaker 5 She's alright.

Speaker 2 You tell me. She's crying at this.
Become wrath. She's crying at this.
She's crying at... I'm crying? Yeah, kind of crying rage.

Speaker 2 Become wrath.

Speaker 2 Tell me she's alright. Are you laughing?

Speaker 11 If you murder a suspect, David.

Speaker 7 No, no.

Speaker 2 She begged for her life, Detective. She begged for her life and the only life of the baby inside her.

Speaker 2 Somerset slaps John Doe across the face. Shut up.
Mills' face lit, fills with confusion, then a wave of horror. Doe's eyes register shock.
He didn't know.

Speaker 2 Mills raises and lowers the gun a few times, sobbing.

Speaker 11 Give me the gun, David.

Speaker 2 Mill turns the gun on John Doe.

Speaker 2 David, if you kill him, he will win.

Speaker 5 Oh, God. Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Dude, dude. Morgan Freeman would be jealous.

Speaker 2 He would be jealous. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So good. Dax.

Speaker 2 Hello? Okay. Very good.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, very good. Very good stuff.
Very good stuff. Those are very good.
Very good. You want to attempt Blue Velvet?

Speaker 2 That'll be something.

Speaker 2 It's a good scene. Do you miss acting? It was good.
Yeah, it was good. Yeah, it was a good job.
Do you miss acting?

Speaker 11 Yeah, yeah, I love acting.

Speaker 2 We got to get you back. We got to make him.
We have to write a movie and get Dax in it. He's got to be the nemesis, though.
You have to be evil. You have to be evil.
Right? Would you play an evil guy?

Speaker 2 What's the most evil thing you've done in your life?

Speaker 11 Kill the the fish.

Speaker 2 Purposely?

Speaker 11 Purposely, but because my grandpa had left, we went fishing, and you know you have to kill the fish after you catch it.

Speaker 2 You don't have to.

Speaker 11 Well, I couldn't get the hook out of its mouth.

Speaker 11 So I, and then he had left to go help my mom, and then I had to kill the fish with a rock.

Speaker 2 Carlos, will you Google serial killer tendencies ties with killing fish with rocks? Is there a tie to...

Speaker 11 Well, check if it's like while people are fishing.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. That that doesn't matter.
That's, I think, we got

Speaker 2 two well-known serial killers, Jeffrey Dahmer and Albert Fish, have documented ties to killing fish and other small animals. But I didn't like it.

Speaker 2 It says right here, neither of them enjoyed it while it was happening. They were fishing with their grandfather.
Did you cry while you're doing it?

Speaker 11 No, no.

Speaker 2 They show tendencies to not cry at all while they're killing the fish. Did you feel anything at all? Yeah, yeah.
What did you feel? Terrible.

Speaker 2 Studies show the word they use is terrible at the beginning, but then sexual arousal when it's over. Did you have an erection? No.

Speaker 11 Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 Most of them can't get an erection, it says here,

Speaker 2 because of the terror. Wow.
Do you think you may have some serial killer tendencies?

Speaker 11 No,

Speaker 11 but that maybe aligns.

Speaker 2 So, yeah?

Speaker 11 Maybe one, maybe singular.

Speaker 2 I think he's the opposite of a serial killer. I think he's a good guy.

Speaker 2 I think your heart is so pure. Well, he could just be a regular killer and not mobilize.

Speaker 2 No, he's not a killer. I think you're a sweet guy.
I think you. Zach's also a party guy.

Speaker 2 I've seen him a lot in parties that I went. Okay, what party did you go to where you saw Dax?

Speaker 8 The Zach Justice one

Speaker 8 and another one and another one.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's true.

Speaker 11 It was my friend Ryan's birthday.

Speaker 2 And you went to that? Yeah. A lot of influencers, people there?

Speaker 2 A lot of young people. Who invited you? Zach.
Because you know she's on his podcast now as a permanent. I see that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I see that on the internet.

Speaker 2 How do you, wait, wait. How do you feel about that, Andrew? Well, you're a bad friend.
Then you do Tiger Belly. Then you do Trash Tuesday.
Then you do this. You're kind of like a pod.

Speaker 2 You're kind of a pod hopper, if I'm being honest. Yeah, let's be no loyalty.
No, you're a pod hopper. Look, there's a pod hopper right there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, look at that. There she is, pod hopping all over the place.
Pod hopping all over the place.

Speaker 2 Look at her. You're a pod hopper.
It's actually not a good thing to be.

Speaker 5 It's just family podcast. Tiger Belly.

Speaker 2 Ew, you you pod hopping. Look at that.
Look at this. More, more.
Pure evil pod hopping. Yeah, that's what's evil is pod hopping.
Yeah. You stay loyal to us, but no, she's pot hopping.

Speaker 2 He's pot hopping, dude. Are you and Zach just good friends? How do you know him?

Speaker 5 Peto Bobby.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 So you introduced the pod hopper too. Yes, I did.
Well, it's your fault. You know, he swooped in.
Pod hopping. He pot hopped.
Mrs. I don't feel like podcasting.
I had to force you to do it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now, pod hopping. Now anyone asks, you'll do it.
How excited are you about the Dodgers? Oh my God. You're such a big Dodger fan.
I am. And where are they now? World Series.

Speaker 2 You named some of your favorite Dodgers? Yeah. Freeman, I like.
Pretty Freeman, I like Shohei. The best.

Speaker 2 That game that he played last year. The best game.
It's probably the greatest game in the history of Bayes. You're a big Dodger fan, Dax?

Speaker 11 As big of like any other team.

Speaker 2 That doesn't. That's not an answer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's not an answer.

Speaker 2 That's like when you say, do you like food? And they're like, I like food like people like food.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They're showy.
So handsome. He's handsome.
Like him, don't you? Elitist. Big boy.
Big boy. He's a big boy.
That's what she goes to. Right to big boy.
Yeah. He is a big, big boy.

Speaker 2 That's Japan's finest export. He has Pearl Harbor energy all the time.
Well, it's payback, baby. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's payback. Yeah.
And that's his girlfriend. Yeah.
Right there.

Speaker 11 That's wife.

Speaker 2 Oh, wife. Sorry.
Mamiko. Yeah.
What is it? Mamiko. Say it again.
Mamiko. Very good.
You don't have to.

Speaker 2 It's not hella kidding. Do you think, though, do you think in his head, though? He makes me look tan.
That's what I like about Japanese women. They make me look tan.

Speaker 2 Do you think in his mind he's like, I shouldn't marry because now I think I could get a white pussy. No.
Do you think? Or do you think? No.

Speaker 2 Dude, he's from Japan. Bob's mad now.
He's from Japan. His favorite.

Speaker 2 I think Japan, he has to, he represents Japan. He's got to have a Japanese wife.
Yeah, he has to. He has some dumb American wife.
What a waste of his time. He's got some bozo.

Speaker 2 goofball like he played in orange county before imagine if he was with some orange county girl some like laguna beach chick You'd be

Speaker 2 very pretty. She's gorgeous.
She's gorgeous. Gorgeous.
Yeah. Yeah.
Beautiful Japanese girl. What's why are you laughing?

Speaker 6 Because I know you have that mindset of like holding out till like you have succeeded.

Speaker 2 Well, Bobby has a lot of money. What are you talking about, dude?

Speaker 6 Because you can get the hottest girls when you're at your richest and most famous. And I know you actively seek that.

Speaker 2 Because I would too. I get it.
You said to me, an Asian American at their highest pinnacle is getting a hot white girl.

Speaker 2 You've said that.

Speaker 2 You've said that. You've said that

Speaker 2 as a successful Asian American, the pinnacle is getting a hot white girl playing in the snow playing in the snow snow bunny life yeah you say that dude don't pretend like that's not true

Speaker 2 is that not true

Speaker 2 no it's not okay acting I mean do you think would you ever date an Asian woman uh yes have you um

Speaker 2 no

Speaker 11 I've been on a date With an Asian.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can't take this the wrong way, please. You seem like you do like Asian girls.
Yeah. Okay.
You've got I like Asian girl white guy energy. Yeah.
Like, it's almost a fetish.

Speaker 11 Oh, um, no.

Speaker 11 Like a tech guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Sure.
Do you like, do you like dried squid?

Speaker 11 Uh, I've never had that.

Speaker 2 Okay. Seaweed.
Do you watch porn? What do you watch?

Speaker 11 Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 2 He doesn't watch it. Do you watch it?

Speaker 11 Sometimes.

Speaker 2 What's your Google history? I mean, your porn hub history.

Speaker 2 The feds probably know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 11 What were we talking about earlier?

Speaker 2 Really? It's uncomfortable? Yeah,

Speaker 11 yeah.

Speaker 2 You don't want to talk about that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, it's so funny. You,

Speaker 2 because I know you now pretty well, you don't like to talk real private stuff. True.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to protect some things about your private life.
Yeah. Why is that, you think?

Speaker 11 I'm just too timid talking about porn on a podcast.

Speaker 2 I agree. It's stupid.
We shouldn't be talking about it at all. Okay.
I agree with you. I agree too.
Say it.

Speaker 2 Say it's stupid, guys, to talk about this crap.

Speaker 11 It's stupid to talk about this crap. Let's talk about something smarter.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 I see. And he's right.

Speaker 2 Give us something smarter. That is true.

Speaker 2 What would you like to talk about that's more intellectual? You know much about the A1 Atlas meteor approaching Earth?

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that what it's called? A1?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tell us about this comet that's hurling toward Earth.

Speaker 11 It's risky, but people aren't too worried.

Speaker 2 What's risky about it?

Speaker 11 That it could collide or something.

Speaker 2 But do you think it's an alien spacecraft?

Speaker 11 No.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 9 We have another way to test intelligence. I have a Halloween trivia game.

Speaker 2 Let's see how smart you really are.

Speaker 2 How do you do you yell it out or do you just raise your hand?

Speaker 9 It's gonna be like the old days. It's point-based.
There's 25 questions. We're all gonna go in order of that.
Everybody gets to buzz in and go first, but we'll start with you being able to go first.

Speaker 9 But I mean, do you want to buzz in or do you want to go everybody equal gets a first question? Everybody equal.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 9 I'm not going to plug in because you're not going to see this.

Speaker 2 So it'll just go down the line. Like, if I don't get it right, then it's your turn.
Your turn.

Speaker 9 Well, you guys will all guess because some of them are going to be like multiple choice. Not multiple choice, but like

Speaker 9 question one, what is the most popular Halloween candy?

Speaker 2 What's the most popular Halloween candy by

Speaker 2 what do you think?

Speaker 2 Fuck, that's a good one.

Speaker 2 Fuck, man. I know my answer.

Speaker 2 Do we have to go? Candy corn. Yeah, that's what I was gonna say.
Candy corn? I was gonna say candy corn. That's what I was gonna say.
Guess something else. Huh? Guess something else.

Speaker 2 Well, that's the one I guess. That's at the game.
The game's not good, though.

Speaker 9 Okay, cool. You can, I mean, you guys can both guess candy corn.

Speaker 9 And then if you both are right, you both get a point.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think that's good. Candy is my guy.
Candy corn. Uh,

Speaker 8 Reese's Peanut Butter Cup.

Speaker 2 That's a good one.

Speaker 2 Okay, we do candy corn, they do cups.

Speaker 9 They're correct.

Speaker 2 Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

Speaker 9 One point for Rudy, one point for Dax.

Speaker 2 That'll piss me right off. That pisses me off.

Speaker 9 What was Candy Corn originally called?

Speaker 9 Andrew starts.

Speaker 2 What was Candy Corn originally called? Yes. Candy corn

Speaker 2 was originally called Witch's Toes.

Speaker 2 Witch's Toes.

Speaker 2 Really? I don't fucking know.

Speaker 2 I have no idea.

Speaker 5 Pumpkin fingers.

Speaker 2 Ooh, pumpkin fingers.

Speaker 2 Body parts, it seems to be the theme.

Speaker 11 Candy pyramid.

Speaker 2 Candy pyramid. Very specific.
Harvest candy. Harvest candy.
That's actually good, too.

Speaker 9 The answer is chicken feed.

Speaker 2 Chicken feed.

Speaker 2 Next one.

Speaker 9 What candy is given to soldiers in battle in the Korean war?

Speaker 2 Ketamine. In the Korean war? Starting with Rudy.
Methamphetamine.

Speaker 2 What What candy was given to soldiers in the Korean War? I think I know.

Speaker 8 Sugarcane candy.

Speaker 2 Sugarcane candy. Sugar cane candy.

Speaker 11 Hershey's.

Speaker 2 Hershey's. I'm going to go with Hershey's.
I'm going to say Sugar Babies.

Speaker 2 Tootsie Roll.

Speaker 2 Fuck.

Speaker 2 Damn it. These are hard, guys.
This is one where you have the opportunity to get three points. Jax, you're up first.

Speaker 9 Or two points or one point. What are the top three most popular Halloween costumes for dogs?

Speaker 2 For dogs? For dogs. For dogs? For ladybug ladybug

Speaker 11 scarecrow

Speaker 11 astronaut

Speaker 2 me yeah sunflower

Speaker 2 vampire

Speaker 2 mummy

Speaker 2 Toto

Speaker 2 zombie

Speaker 2 and uh butterfly

Speaker 2 um ghost or oh ghost ghost we forget about ghosts how do we fucking forget about

Speaker 2 firefighter yeah that's so funny no yeah you mean dalmatian yeah yeah firefighter yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 2 i get it i get it i get it i get it too butterfly too butterfly what are the three pumpkin no one of us hot dog none of us and bumblebee none of us none of us it is still two to nothing i mean one to one to nothing to nothing

Speaker 2 bumblebee over butterfly or ladybug bullshit. That's what it says.
Fuck you. Okay, let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.
Where'd you get this off? A truth social? I pulled from a bunch of different sources.

Speaker 2 Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 2 I only make bugs, bumblebees.

Speaker 9 In what American state is it illegal to be a priest or nun for Halloween?

Speaker 2 Oh, it's obvious.

Speaker 2 Oh, I already know.

Speaker 2 Kansas.

Speaker 2 I actually, now that I think, I was gonna say Utah.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Name any state.
Tennessee. The good guess.

Speaker 11 Arkansas.

Speaker 2 These might be too hard.

Speaker 9 This is Alabama.

Speaker 2 No, he was close. Give him a point.
He's close. No, no, no, you don't.
No, you don't know. He's not.

Speaker 9 We miss our racket of points. Yeah, he's closest.

Speaker 2 Alabama and Arkansas are neighbors. That's close.
Okay.

Speaker 2 We were nowhere fucking near it. Okay.

Speaker 9 A pumpkin is a fruit.

Speaker 2 True or false?

Speaker 2 True.

Speaker 2 True.

Speaker 2 True.

Speaker 2 You got to go against the grains, kid. False? It's true.
It's true, idiot.

Speaker 7 Idiot.

Speaker 2 Idiot, idiot.

Speaker 9 Bobby and Rudy tied at one point. Nice.
Andrew and Dax tied at three.

Speaker 2 Let's go, bitch.

Speaker 9 Dax, which famed horror actor performed the monologue in Michael Jackson's thriller?

Speaker 11 Vincent Price,

Speaker 2 Pella Lugosi,

Speaker 2 Emerald Lugosi.

Speaker 2 Sorry. Um

Speaker 2 oh god. Why did you say Vincent Price?

Speaker 11 I remember there's that like deep voice in that song.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Um

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 I'll say Vincent Price. I'm gonna copy you.

Speaker 2 I'll copy you.

Speaker 6 Vincent Price is correct.

Speaker 2 Yes. Very good guess.
Cool, thanks. Yeah, you're welcome.
You're welcome.

Speaker 2 I'm getting out now. I'm getting out now.
There's no way to come back. Yeah, there is.
Hold on.

Speaker 9 There's enough questions where you can tell.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay.

Speaker 9 So the standings right now, Dax and Rudy are tied with five. Tie four.
Andrew's with four, and Bobby is taking up the rear with one.

Speaker 2 You're always taking it up the rear. His tone, dude.
He can no longer be the question guy.

Speaker 2 Richie should be doing that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How many? Richie, can you take over? Richie, take over. Richie take Richie take over.
Richie, it's gonna hurt. I think it's his negativity.

Speaker 2 He's embodying Grotcho Marx right now. I don't like it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so Richie, you take no. Richie takes over.
Richie takes over. Yeah, go ahead, Richie.
Yeah, Richie, go ahead, bud.

Speaker 12 All right, how many Halloween movies has Jamie Lee Curtis appeared in?

Speaker 2 The closest. Okay, Rudy.

Speaker 2 Perfect.

Speaker 2 Six.

Speaker 2 Two.

Speaker 2 One.

Speaker 2 One.

Speaker 9 Seven. Oh, my God.
Rudy gets it again.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Don't look at me, dude.
I'm in the last place. I don't remember.
You go with me against what I'm saying. I don't remember at all.
In Twilight. No, you shot it.
Richie.

Speaker 2 Richie, dude. In Twilight.

Speaker 2 Richie. Richie.
All right, Richie.

Speaker 2 All right. In Twilight.

Speaker 12 What year did Edward Cullen turn into a vampire?

Speaker 2 Never seen the movie. In what year? What year? Closest to the year.
Rudy's up first. first.

Speaker 2 No, you don't even say closest to the year.

Speaker 2 You say closest to the year, Richie.

Speaker 2 Closest to the year. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Like 1720?

Speaker 2 1820. What's the question? No,

Speaker 2 Richie.

Speaker 12 In Twilight, what year did Edward Cullen turn into a vampire?

Speaker 2 Oh, in the movie, like his character. So you said you already guessed.
Yes. 1720, and you guessed 1820?

Speaker 2 1650.

Speaker 2 I think 1514.

Speaker 2 1918.

Speaker 2 Oh, so that is Dax.

Speaker 2 I've never seen the movie.

Speaker 9 So Rudy has the opportunity to tie him upself for a second.

Speaker 9 The last question.

Speaker 2 Here it goes.

Speaker 2 You have no question.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Can I see something? Okay.

Speaker 2 Richie does the question. Okay, I want to hear your voice.
Okay. Yep.
Okay. Yeah, all right.
Yep.

Speaker 2 I mean, how many times do I have to tell you?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 It's just it's just irritating. I don't know what it is.
I think that's why I'm losing.

Speaker 2 That's why. I think that's why I'm losing.
That's why, yes. Alright? So I don't want to hear a word from you.

Speaker 9 I love you, bud. But Richie, from now on, I'm so sorry, guys.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 He's the reason I'm losing.

Speaker 2 You're fucking... Go ahead, Richie.

Speaker 12 Don't worry, I'm your good luck charm here. How many minutes does Michael Keaton appear on screen in Beetlejuice?

Speaker 2 What? Say it again?

Speaker 12 How many minutes does Michael Keaton appear on screen in Beetlejuice?

Speaker 2 Okay, Dax.

Speaker 2 10.

Speaker 2 17 minutes.

Speaker 2 28 minutes.

Speaker 8 7 minutes.

Speaker 9 17 minutes. Bobby gets it right and wins the game.

Speaker 2 I told you. He also got it.
Good luck, Joe. How did he win?

Speaker 9 No, he didn't, Dax. Dax still wins.
Dax won. Final score, Bobby Lee, three.
Andrew Santino, five. Rudy Giuliani, six.
Dax Flames, seven.

Speaker 2 Happy Halloween. You're no longer welcome on the show, Dax.

Speaker 2 You understand me? Yeah. Don't come in here and you.

Speaker 2 Okay. You're supposed to throw the game for us.

Speaker 11 I'll give a point to everyone.

Speaker 2 So that gets you down 654. Next time we do a game, right? Here it goes.
No more dates and square footage of a fucking area. That's insane.
Or no square footage. Yeah, or a feet of anything.

Speaker 2 It's insane, right? From now on, it's just fucking facts. Facts, yeah, it's only facts.
You did get the facts one, right? Whoa.

Speaker 9 You got the guessing ones right.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, you ruined. I think you ruined my Halloween, dude.

Speaker 2 This is the worst Halloween I've ever had. Come on.
Yeah, no, I'm being real. You ruined anything.
Yeah, yeah. Any candy that you're excited about getting this year?

Speaker 2 No, because I've access to all the candy I want. Not me.
This is the only time here I'm allowed to have it in the house. Really? So

Speaker 2 what are you looking forward to? The Reese's peanut butter cups are shaped like pumpkins.

Speaker 2 Some of my favorites. What are you excited about this year?

Speaker 8 Snickers.

Speaker 2 Don't. No, don't do it.

Speaker 2 Nothing. Nothing.

Speaker 2 Nothing. What? Dax?

Speaker 11 Nerds' gummy clusters or gummies.

Speaker 2 That makes sense. I do like that.
It's like sour gel or some sort. Just gel.
Yeah. A packet of sour gel.
I went to

Speaker 2 in Burbank, there's a horror museum.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Rudy with the Snickers. It's like, it's right there.
It's veiny.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, last year, what reminds you of something?

Speaker 2 Snickers, but I only like the king's eyes.

Speaker 2 You fucking perv. You're gross.
Perv. You don't even like Snickers, you perver.

Speaker 2 I went roller skating again last night by myself. Why are you doing that?

Speaker 2 Invite someone to come with you. No.
Why are you going solo skating? Because what if you fall again and get hurt? I did fall a couple of times. And then I fell once.
I got up. And then there's a,

Speaker 2 he happens to be black.

Speaker 2 He has a referee outfit on. And he goes, keep it moving.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's like, well, you can't. I'm like, I literally got the wind knocked out of me.
Give me a second. Keep it moving.

Speaker 2 But you got it. You got to get up and go, man.
There's a whole thing going on. I know.
And you got to put your thumbs up to see if you're all right. Were you okay?

Speaker 2 So when you slam, you have to go like this.

Speaker 2 Well, that's so humiliating. That's how they know you're not hurt.
I'm okay. I'm okay.

Speaker 9 Was it your first time since the incident?

Speaker 2 No, I've been going by myself. Training.
Yeah. It's never going to happen again.
You're never going to fall again on it. It's the most lonesome human experience you could ever have.

Speaker 2 You put on headphones? No. You just

Speaker 2 skating around. There's this 90-year-old Japanese man.
He's one foot backwards. Wow.
Yeah. He's killing it, right? And it's just like, I'm going to, oh, this is, yeah, this is my life.

Speaker 2 You're that guy. No family, nobody.
Stop it. You can invite so many people that would love to come skating.
No one's going to go skating on a Monday night. You should have asked mama.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to go with your mom. Why not?

Speaker 2 She would fall over like a coconut and explode on the fucking room.

Speaker 2 Coconut meat all over the place. There's no way.

Speaker 2 Coconut skate sesh. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Coconut skate sesh. No, there's something I like it because it kind of like

Speaker 2 when you watch a movie by yourself and stuff, you're like, I'm okay being by myself. I don't need anybody.
I don't want to be in a situation where I'm like, I need somebody to make me feel whole.

Speaker 2 I want to be able to do it on my own. It's a little depressing, but

Speaker 2 I got to get prepared because I don't have any children. So it's like, I have to be prepared that

Speaker 2 at the end. You know what I mean? It's going to be.
We're all going to die alone. Well, you're going to have friends and family around.
So will you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that Japanese man from the the Roller Rink, maybe. He'll be long gone, my friend.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, um,

Speaker 2 right, Dax, don't you think?

Speaker 11 The dying alone?

Speaker 2 No, but I'm just saying, um,

Speaker 2 do you feel comfortable just being by myself, like eating a meal by yourself? Uh, I do,

Speaker 11 but it sounds like you're, you're, you're not sure about it.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. Explore that.
Would you rather be alone?

Speaker 11 Uh, a lot of the time.

Speaker 2 Do you long for a partner at all?

Speaker 11 Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Are you on the hunt?

Speaker 11 I did go on a hinge date last night.

Speaker 2 What are we talking? Where'd you go?

Speaker 2 To a bar. What bar? Bigfoot Lodge? What did you order? Oh, I love Bigfoot Lodge.

Speaker 11 A beer.

Speaker 2 What did she order?

Speaker 2 They, sorry. They.

Speaker 11 I think she went by she.

Speaker 2 Okay. Her.
What did she order? What did she, they order? She, her, they.

Speaker 11 Cider?

Speaker 2 A little cider?

Speaker 11 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Give me the conversation. What was it? What was it?

Speaker 11 What kind of things did you do for fun?

Speaker 2 Were you intrigued?

Speaker 2 Was she pretty? She was pretty. Were you looking pretty?

Speaker 2 I don't know yet. What did you wear?

Speaker 11 A black shirt and some jeans.

Speaker 2 That's pretty. Thanks.
What you always wear are you?

Speaker 11 Yes.

Speaker 2 Did you make a move? No. You give her a hug?

Speaker 11 Yes.

Speaker 2 Now, do you make a move when you see a sign?

Speaker 2 Is it a gut instinct thing with you? What is it?

Speaker 11 It's really hard.

Speaker 11 Yeah, first kiss is such a hard thing to know how to kiss. Do you ever ask?

Speaker 2 Do Do you just go, hey, yeah. I kind of want to kiss you.
Yeah. Have they said no?

Speaker 11 No. No.

Speaker 2 Oh, you've never said no.

Speaker 2 You're a closer, dude. You're a fucking closer.
I'm a little bit girl. Ask me for a kiss.
I had such a fun time tonight.

Speaker 11 Do you want to kiss?

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 That's how direct you are? That's pretty fast. Oh,

Speaker 9 I guess so.

Speaker 2 I mean, I'm wet, but that was fast.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 that's interesting. I don't do that because I'm too scared.
To ask.

Speaker 2 I honestly believe that I have to have a couple of signs before I go in. What are the signs?

Speaker 2 I have to know if they're like

Speaker 2 baseball sign? Yeah.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 yeah, no.

Speaker 2 They have to be touching me a lot. A lot of touching.
Right, right.

Speaker 2 And then it's just the way they look at me. How do they look at you?

Speaker 2 Oh, I see that. There's a white girl.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 There she is. You know what I mean? And then I'm like, I think it's on.
What's your signal to move in for a kiss?

Speaker 11 I can't tell. That's why.

Speaker 2 So you say, can I have a kiss? Yeah. Or would you like a kiss? How do you phrase it?

Speaker 11 I don't remember the last, I think the last two times were they actually asked.

Speaker 2 What do they say?

Speaker 11 Should we kiss or something?

Speaker 2 Do you say yes right away or do you go sure? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You say, yeah, I want to. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you ever said the words like,

Speaker 2 have you ever said I love you to somebody?

Speaker 11 Yes, yes.

Speaker 2 You've been in love.

Speaker 11 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And what happened? We broke up.

Speaker 2 That's what happened. That's not funny.

Speaker 2 Why do you think you broke up?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 11 well, I think she just wasn't sure what, like, needed to figure out life or something.

Speaker 2 She did. Yeah.
Because you've got it figured out.

Speaker 11 No, I mean, but

Speaker 11 I didn't feel like I needed to break up.

Speaker 2 So you said, you said to her, I love you. And then she said, let's break up.

Speaker 2 I mean, how fast did that?

Speaker 11 Oh, not in the moment.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay, okay.

Speaker 11 Because she had said it back before. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 11 Like, she had said, like, we had been saying it for months.

Speaker 2 Who said it first?

Speaker 2 Me.

Speaker 2 Say it to me.

Speaker 2 As if you're her back then. Anybody.

Speaker 11 Someone I love.

Speaker 2 I love you.

Speaker 2 I don't believe you.

Speaker 2 I don't believe you. I don't believe you either.
Do it again.

Speaker 11 You want me to do it to you?

Speaker 2 I'd love to. Lock me in the eyes, because don't dart your little eyes away.
Look at my eyes. I love you.
Who's she? Who's that? Wait, who is that? I'm Chang.

Speaker 2 Bitch.

Speaker 2 Hi, I'm Chang.

Speaker 2 Come again.

Speaker 2 Can me again, Dax.

Speaker 11 I love you.

Speaker 2 I believe it. I believe that.
You like Chang better than the other one.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You want a kiss? You do have an Asian fetish.

Speaker 11 What?

Speaker 2 Do you want a kiss?

Speaker 11 Oh, um, yes.

Speaker 2 Do you go close mouth first or do you open it? Tongue it. Closed.
Tongue it.

Speaker 2 What if she tries to dart her little tongue inside your mouth? What do you do?

Speaker 11 Then I would just probably accept that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you got to take that. I feel like guys have to adapt to her and not the other way around.
Of course. But why? Because we're lucky they want to do stuff with us.
Right. That's insane.

Speaker 2 So you instinctively know, okay, this is her style. Because you've seen guys.
You look at what a man looks like. They don't want to do it.
why would they want to do anything with us? It's insane.

Speaker 2 No, but in terms of when you first lock lips

Speaker 2 in the mirror. Oh, yeah, it's horrifying.
No, I'm not saying you. I just mean men in general.
Why are you guys whispering? What are you whispering?

Speaker 6 I called you an incel for saying that, and then he said you were a performative male.

Speaker 6 It's just back of the room talk, like back of the classroom talk.

Speaker 2 But we can see you. Yeah, it's like in school.
They can see you. It's like

Speaker 2 I'm a performative male. What does that mean, McConnell? Pull it up.

Speaker 9 I mean, kind of like the old, like when you'd like pretend to be like reading or like crying in your car or something.

Speaker 2 Pretend to be like deep.

Speaker 8 You like matcha?

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 9 Like performing a thing.

Speaker 2 So he's a performative male.

Speaker 6 It's like a meme now on the

Speaker 2 Bobby's like exactly that.

Speaker 9 Guys that try to look mysterious or like, you know, like they're.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I'm performative. I'm performative.

Speaker 2 Just a guy. I don't think that's a bad thing.
It's not performative.

Speaker 9 There are worse things.

Speaker 2 I think it is negative. It is a negative thing, and

Speaker 2 there will be revenge.

Speaker 2 Do y'all have first kiss advice?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I do. Get permission.

Speaker 2 And people usually say, start slow.

Speaker 2 Go as fast and hard as you can. Tongue.
As much tongue, and you hold their ears. Grip their fucking ears.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not even. Imagine it's honeycomb and you're a bear.
You're a bear. All

Speaker 2 See a beehive? Sniff on beef. You open up a hole.
You stick your fucking bear tongue in there

Speaker 2 and you get all the honey. And sometimes in the middle of the kiss, go.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like a bear.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, be a bear ghost.

Speaker 2 Is that a bear or no? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Really? Close your eyes. You're in the woods.
Okay.

Speaker 2 It's a ghost of a bear. It's a ghost bear.
Obviously, a ghost bear. Yeah, yeah.
Kissing advice. Let's give him kissing advice at the exact same time.
One, two, three. You got a ghost of it.

Speaker 2 Are you going to do a whole sentence? You're going to do a whole sentence? Just on the counter three. We give him advice at the same time.
One, two, three. But more like.
Whoa.

Speaker 11 More like how to initiate it rather than the mechanics.

Speaker 2 All right. See if you can pick it up.
We're going to do it simultaneously. See if you can pick up some notes.
Ready? One, two, three.

Speaker 2 You got to lock eyes with them and then, you know what I mean, grab the back of her head and then you just dart your face right into the face. Hold the back, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And then you open your mouth and you dart, dart, dart, dart, dart, dart with your tongue.

Speaker 2 And if she goes, no,

Speaker 2 you got to keep going.

Speaker 2 You keep going, keep going, keep going. Keep going till she's done.

Speaker 2 Okay, thank you.

Speaker 2 And then say, thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Say it louder. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Do it like Morgan Freeman.

Speaker 11 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Very good.