Episode 116 - Catchphrase

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So, this month I spoke to friend of the show Reverend Hilary Block, a former Catholic priest who was excommunicated by the Vatican in 2018 when he declared what he believes to be true, that Jesus was a cow.

Hilary contacted me last month asking whether he could come on the show to announce a new catchphrase that he is launching for his church, St.

Catharines in Bromley, and I was happy to oblige.

Reverend Hilary Block, thank you so much for joining me.

Can I just stop you there?

Right.

I wanted to say something to you, and

I think that you're going to enjoy this.

Okay.

You know, there's a, I don't know if you follow

the pop charts, but

I do.

And

I believe there should be a little less chapel Rhone and a little more Chapel Goan.

When you say Chapel Ghoen.

Chapel going,

people, I think people should be going to chapel rather than

going to a chapel rowan concert right

so this is the catchphrase

a few things to ask really is this specifically about chapel roan for you or is it more just like that lent itself to a nice phrase so it could have been you know a bit less charlotte church and a bit more saint catherine's church you know you could no because i love charlotte church i think she's got the voice of an angel um a bit less shirley temple and a bit you know there's or is it specifically about chapel rowan What I think is there should be a little less Chapel Rowan

and a bit more Chapel Goan.

Right.

Chapel Goan.

Wait, I'm not sure.

I'm not happy with the Chapel Goan.

A little less Chapel Rowan, more Chapel Goan.

It might work in

a different accent.

I don't, you know, I don't know how you are with accents, but I could imagine, just to help you out a bit, imagine this in the kind of southern states of the US accent.

I think I might need a bit of a run-up, but that's okay.

No, that's fine.

Ah.

Lemma say this now.

Lemmis.

Yeah,

I'm going to go deeper, I think.

Let me say this to you.

Oh, let me say this to you now.

Oh,

let me say this to you now.

I think there could be a...

A little bit less chapel wrong and a bit more rapple on.

It went slightly Cajun at the end there, I think.

Yes, also a sort of scarface thing going on there.

Absolutely, yes.

Say hello to my little friend who just happens to be the Christ child.

Yep.

So

we've got the catchphrase down.

I'm happy to talk more about it if you'd like.

Well, you know, I think many of our listeners will have heard of Chapel Roan.

I don't know much about it.

I know that she's doing very well.

and that she's a contemporary pop singer.

But for those listeners who don't know who she is, maybe you could fill us in.

She is

she's a young lady

who

has decided rather than praising the Lord, is praising the sins of the flesh by wearing extremely provocative outfits and getting herself into all kinds of physical contortions on a stage in front of sweating young people.

And

if anyone's been to any of my shirtless Sundays, they'll know that you can have a fantastic bod and flex it in front of a congregation,

but for a higher purpose.

I'll just butt in just to remind listeners, you maybe haven't heard previous episodes, you are incredibly buff.

I'm seeing over the video call now you've maintained that bod.

Yeah, it's a little embarrassing that you bring it up, but I am absolutely ripped.

I'm phenomenally hench.

I'm tonk.

And I can see the eight-pack there through the through the cassock.

Well, let me just stand up a little bit and give you a.

Oh, hello.

There we go.

Okay.

There we go.

That's there.

This is, by the way, this that I'm wearing right now.

The see-through cassock.

It's made of a fine mesh.

Lovely, lovely fine mesh.

You can buy this through my website.

Just to paint the picture for the listener, obviously, this is an audio medium.

As you said, it's a kind of sheer mesh.

cassock through which we can see all the muscles.

And I want you to take this as a compliment.

Your pecs,

and don't take this the wrong way, it looks like you've had an arse

transplanted onto your chest.

A muscular ass.

Yeah, a few people have said that, but

I haven't had that.

The cost alone of the

and the, you know, just the

flights to Turkey and the surgeon who would do such a thing, that's, it's,

I, I, I, I, I, I'm not, I don't know, I've not done any research, but I believe it to be impossible.

So that can't be the case.

Okay, I wasn't necessarily suggesting that that's what happened.

I just want to say this now.

It can't be the case.

I think there should be a little bit less chapel roan and

a lot more chapel going.

Okay.

Well, thanks for clearing that up.

Yeah, a lot of people say you've clearly got a backstreet vet to transplant a gorilla's arse onto your chest.

But, I mean,

I want to say to people, listen to yourselves.

Stop, right?

Firstly, stop looking at my chest.

Well, look at my chest as much as you like, but stop looking at my chest and then connecting that with the thought that you're having that you're saying to me, because that can't be that

isn't the case.

It can't be the case.

Little as Chapel Rome or Chapel Gone.

And you've since won, since I spoke to you last, you've won Britain's Buffist Priest.

Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

Wouldn't would a gorilla's ass have nipples?

Just Just think about that.

I mean, that's these are, I've got, look, I can show them there.

So do these, if, have you ever been in

a whipsnade safari and seen a gorilla walking around who can

suckle its young through its ass?

No, you haven't because

a gorilla's ass doesn't have nipples on it.

That's why I've got nipples.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Let's move on.

You had a question.

I know you want to move on, but I should just say, of course, the presence of nipples does not necessarily lead to the ability to suckle young.

You know, God gave us males sort of gift nipples, really.

Yes, that's that.

Well, that's true.

That's true.

I don't know if that's something you have to wrestle with on a kind of religious and scriptural level.

Are those explained in the Bible anywhere in the Genesis story?

The presence of the male nipple.

Because obviously, you know, we look to religion to answer those big questions, don't we?

Let's face it, if women get something, men want a little bit of the action.

Right?

And I think it's just to create a bit of equality.

If we didn't have our own, we'd be jealous.

I feel like there would be an element of jealousy.

They say if God did not exist, it would be necessary to create him.

I think the same is true of male nipples, because if we had perfectly smooth chests and then we were looking out at our sort of female friends and saying, well, they have have got that going on we would then have to you make them out of uh i don't know jelly tots or something and stick them on and uh and that's not what you've done here with your just to be clear with your nipples here you haven't stuck jelly tots on a on a gorilla's arse for example and then no i i think sometimes with the the way that the light comes through the mesh and you know it can look like a little bit like uh these are just two jelly tots that have been bluetacked to a gorilla's arse but nothing and i i can't stress this enough nothing could be further from the reality.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, let's talk about a bit more about this catchphrase.

I think it's very good.

You've got this new catchphrase.

Yes, which I'd love for you to say if you could.

Okay.

Yeah, just to reinforce the message.

Yes,

if that would be possible, yeah.

Should I do it in a southern states of the US accent?

Well,

let's hear it in your own and then

let's hear it in your own and then we'll go for there.

Okay, so

well, if you ask me,

we need a bit less chapel Rowan

and a bit more Chapel Goan.

It actually works better in your voice.

Yeah, you think that's good.

And

I wonder if when this eventually goes out, I could take that

sample and in

some way implant it into like a little box that I could press

maybe in my throat or somewhere else on my box.

Stephen Hawking style.

Very much, but I think more more internal rather than it being part of, you know, so so possibly just a little thing I could push on my Adam's apple and

your voice would come out of my mouth.

I mean, that would be that would be a huge honor.

Well, it would it would be an it would be an honor for me as well.

Obviously, I'm not um I'm not sure how we go about the procedure, but I I I I know a vet who might be able to help.

Not someone I've ever spoken to before, but I read about him on the internet.

It was a pop-up ad

next to the video for Hot to Go.

Well, okay.

I mean, you know, I'm flattered

that you want to kind of steal my voice and put it in your throat.

I'm sorry, I'm not totally clear why.

And I should just address this scurrilous rumor,

but a lot of people have

must be thinking that uh well if he has got a gorilla's arse attached to his chest which i don't uh then the the weight of that would be pressing down on his vocal cords which would eventually uh render him completely mute within the next three four months uh

a i don't have a gorilla's arse on my chest b these aren't jelly tots and c

uh that's that wouldn't be the case even if it were the case which it isn't so it's not or and and d uh a little less uh chapel rone a bit more chapel going.

It's a great catchphrase.

Thank you.

Aside from the exciting new catchphrase, there should be a little bit less Chapel Rhone and a bit more Chapel Goan, there has also been another exciting development at St.

Catherine's, as Hilary has taken on an assistant.

Hello, this is Simon Featherby, a father Simon Featherby, formerly of St.

Bartholomew's Neo-Presbyterian Church in Clacket in Somerset, now

very happily residing at St.

Catherine's Church in Bromley under the protective wing of dear Hilary Block and very happy to be here in spite of any rumours.

Yes.

We previously spoke to Father Simon on this show most recently in our episode about beef fishing, where he revealed that he was seduced by someone posing as a single woman on the internet, but who was in fact a butcher looking to sell meat.

After this, he was fired from his role as parish priest at the Neo-Presbyterian church in Clackett in Somerset, and since then, he has got by by doing the only job he could find, giving out leaflets for a motorway service station at the side of the motorway.

Hilary and I actually met in my old line of work,

where I was

leafleting cars on the side of a motorway, trying to force a clump of

advertising material through a window as it hurtled past at anywhere between 70 and 120 miles an hour.

As luck should have it, Hillary was passing in his car and, whilst trying to get a curly whirly out of his glove box, swerved into the hard shoulder and hit Simon.

He knocked me clean down the motorway about half a mile, actually.

I bounced as his bumper kept smashing into my head until finally I fortunately went straight through his windscreen on a particularly big bounce and landed safely on his back seat.

when you met Hilary in that way, he actually offered you a job?

Yes.

In fact, he assures me that we'd been close friends for many decades, but such was the force of the impact, I'd forgotten all about him.

But he made very clear that really I owed him numerous debts, and I was only too happy to repay them all.

So, I really do fulfil all manner of functions at the church and, of course, at the vicarage for him.

I clean windows, I arrange flowers, scrub the floors, and of course curdle the communion milk.

Now, Simon, obviously you are a former New Presbyterian priest, and what with Hilary's somewhat unusual religious views about Jesus being a cow, does that not cause problems?

There is a bit of a denominational barrier, of course.

Yeah, but you know, that that must be an issue, right?

Because

I mean, do you believe, as Henry does, that Jesus was a cow?

I would have to say, um,

ye, ye, ye, yes,

yes.

And it doesn't go against my deep-seated beliefs at all to say that Jesus

was

a

Hilary,

is there any religious conflict between the way that you and Simon see Christianity?

I'm glad you asked this question.

It's

something that I think Simon himself has had to do a lot of soul-searching about.

When I picked him up off the side of the road, he was living, he told me, under a tarpaulin.

And I said to him, you can come and live in,

you know, come and live at St.

Catherine's, you know, in the

in the sacristy, but you have to accept our teachings.

And he said,

he said, is there hot and cold running water?

Is there cooked meals?

I'll literally believe any albotics.

And I said, you're just the man I'm looking for.

So every month on the 28th, rent day, I sit him down and I say, I've got two questions for you, simon one do you believe that jesus is a cow and he says yes and i say do you believe that these are my actual pecs and he says yes and i say as far as i'm concerned rent paid and he can stay for another month

i understand simon you know why you might put a brave face on things and say, okay, I believe Jesus is a cow.

And, you know, because of your personal circumstances.

But,

you know, are you actually happy working under Hillary at St.

Catherine's?

All right, no, I'm not.

Between you and me, he's a monster.

Monster is a very strong word, Simon.

The man is consumed by vanity.

He is obsessed with his own physique.

He has changed every stained glass window to be an incredibly muscular depiction of himself.

And I have to say, it's it's pretty accurate.

Throughout every service, he strips off, rips his shirt clean away, and orders the congregation, many of whom I would remind you, are elderly women, to spray baby oil on his naked skin.

Okay, so at what stage, Father Simon, did you realise or feel that, you know, oh no, this is not what I want to be doing?

My first day in St.

Catharines was when the alarm bells first started ringing, when he presented me with his new translation of the Bible.

Right, so that's his own translation?

Yes, yes, he's absolutely convinced there are various errors in translation over the centuries and millennia where people have just got it plain wrong.

And I assume the main thing he's doing there is making it clear in scripture that Jesus was a cow.

Yes, yes.

Most things that Jesus says, including the Sermon on the Mount, are largely replaced by a series of moos.

Wouldn't that pose something of a religious problem, given that a lot of the kind of religious ideas and the preachings of the church come from the words of Jesus?

Now, if you replace all of those words with a series of moos, as you say he has, you're not left with very much, are you?

No, you're left with very little.

Because Jesus is now reduced to a largely mooing figure, we have to rely heavily on the Old Testament.

Right, which he hasn't changed?

No, he's changed the Old Testament hugely as well.

not least the Ten Commandments.

Oh, he's changed the Ten Commandments.

That's bold.

Yes, it's to justify his obsession with getting oiled in every single service.

And the Ten Commandments have been edited to reflect this: oil thy mother and thy father.

Remember the Sabbath day to keep it oily.

And of course, he's added the 11th commandment.

We need a bit less chapel rowen and a bit more chapel goan.

Matthew 14, verses 25 to 29.

Shortly before dawn, Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.

When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified.

It's a ghost, they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them, Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo.

Lord, if it's you, Peter replied, Tell me to come to you on the water.

Moo, he said.

As we talked, Simon began to open up about Hillary's behaviour, and soon it wasn't just his religious services that Simon wanted to complain about.

And really, I feel I must tell you the truth about his pecs.

Right, so yes.

Reverend Hillary's pectorals are very,

you know, they're significant.

They're strong, they're beefy.

And they're fake.

The man did not build those up himself.

He had them surgically implanted.

They are not pecks.

When you see his mighty pecks, what you are looking at is a pair of gorilla buttocks.

Now, I have spoken to Hillary about his wonderful chest, and his

point,

which he would respond to that accusation with, I think, is that a gorilla's ass doesn't have nipples.

It is quite plain for everyone to see that those two nipples are jelly tots.

Why else would one be blue and one be red?

And why would they be so delicious?

He will never admit to anyone, least of all himself, the truth.

But I saw everything that happened.

He booked flights to Turkey.

He flew out there.

He had them surgically implanted, and he came back passing them off as his own.

So hang on, you say you saw everything happen.

Were you in Turkey with him?

I heard him booking the flights.

Yeah, but someone going to Turkey doesn't...

That's not proof that they've got a gorilla arse.

Sorry, I didn't finish my sentence.

I heard him book the flights, and then I saw him as he loaded me into his suitcase to serve as his personal assistant, took me to the airport, loaded me into the plane, unloaded me, unpacked me in his hotel room, and took me to sit down in an operating theater as I watched him have two gorilla buttocks implanted onto his chest by a vet.

Okay, so you were present at the operation.

How can you be certain, though, that what was implanted onto his chest are, in your words, gorilla buttocks?

Because I also saw them remove the buttocks from the gorilla in the same room and replace them with his sagging pecks.

And that gorilla, let me tell you, was very upset.

What does a gorilla look like once you've replaced its huge muscular buttocks with

a sagging pair of man boobs?

I suppose the most concise way I can describe it is sab.

It turns out that when you take away a gorilla's buttocks, you take away its

mojo.

Its reason for living.

Its sense of self.

Do you know where that gorilla is now?

I believe it was released from the veterinary practice and it simply sat on the pavement, languishing,

and immediately turned to the bottle.

Gosh.

And of course, he refuses to admit that a side effect of that procedure is that the gorilla buttocks are pressing down on his chest, on his lungs, on his vocal cords.

The vet told him quite clearly that eventually, within two months, he could be mute

he said i don't care i'll lip sync ironically something chapel rowan would never do

matthew 14 verses 14 to 18 when jesus landed and saw a large crowd he had compassion on them and healed their sick as evening approached the disciples came to him and said, This is a remote place, and it's already getting late.

Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food.

Jesus replied, Mu moo moo, moo, moo, moo, moo.

We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish, they answered.

Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, he said.

Getting back to the catchphrase and putting aside the rights and all wrongs of inserting it into the Bible, you've got to agree it's

a pretty good catchphrase.

Well, it rhymes, but I ask you, how many churchgoers are even going to know who Chapel Rowan is?

But isn't that exactly the point that he's trying to bring in the kind of people that would maybe go to a Chapel Roan concert instead of one of his services?

He's trying to get those people in.

Well, if he is trying to do that, he hasn't gone very well about it.

The first thing I did was I made a massive, massive sign that said, here

tonight,

chapel roan

um

uh i mean the full the full sign said

here tonight i wanted to stress that you've got to come into this place chapel roam because i wanted people to know that that's what was happening but it was here tonight a little less chapel roan chapel roan big letters uh a little more chapel going and then arrows arrows down to the door now a lot of people said well it you didn't you made it seem like chapel roam was performing in your church that night

and uh you know you i i leaked leaked a few of the photos of our of the of the of the of the frontispiece uh out to uh you know stereo gum and vulture and uh enemy.com he spread a rumor that chapel roan was going to be performing at the church which i would argue in the first place completely goes against the catchphrase itself but sure enough it worked the word got round

And actually,

when I came out shirtless, gyrating my body, everyone assumed that was just the warm-up act.

Can you describe exactly what you were doing?

So picture the scene.

The lights dim, the service begins, the performance begins, the room is filled with dry ice.

And I appear.

Lit by a single spotlight, the first thing you see, of course, the pecs, the pecs emerging from the dry ice.

Gorillas in the mist?

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Matthew 5, verse 1.

Now, when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down.

His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them.

He said,

Moo Mu, Mu Mu,

Mu Moo Mu,

Mu Mu Mu Mu Mu Mu

And

it got to sort of the sort of

I'd say about 89, 90 minutes into

the service.

And people started to say, Excuse me, when's Chapel Rhone going to be showing up and

performing Feminomenon?

And I said, Well, I don't know if you've actually read the sign, it says,

Here tonight, a little less Chapel Roan, a little bit more Chapel going.

So, congratulations, you're all here.

And

I'll see you next Sunday.

And how big a crowd are we talking about here?

Thousands?

Oh, they were, absolutely.

They were every possible nook and cranny.

They were, apart from obviously the nooks and crannies on my 8-pack, they were crammed into them.

And if they could have been, they would have been on my 8-pack.

Okay, so we've got thousands of young Chapel Roan fans believing they're about to see what What is probably at this stage quite an intimate concert with their favourite star, someone who probably plays much larger venues these days?

Yes,

I realised this.

I mean, how was I to know when I made that sign that it would be, you know, the problem is people don't read, do they?

If people spend a bit more time reading the Bible, which I don't know if you picked up a Bible recently, but the print is tiny.

They would understand

that reading the small print is essential.

And they didn't do that.

You know, by that point, the collection plate had already gone round.

And,

you know,

we made a little bit of money out of the night.

I charged £700 to get in, which I thought is, you know, that seems high.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

£700 for eternal life.

Yes, please, I'll take that.

I'll absolutely take that.

£700 to see my pectoral muscles.

You know,

that's very much the jelly tot on

the ass.

The thing that he won't tell you is he is totally out of money.

That procedure, that vet, bled him dry.

And he is hell-bent on having a new procedure.

That's why he is luring Chapel Rowan fans with their ample purses to the church.

Every single ticket to that gig costs £700.

So Han,

he wants to actually get another operation.

Yes, the problem is the gorilla buttocks have made the top half of his body completely disproportionate in spite of all of the other muscles.

And now he won't be satisfied until he's replaced both of his buttocks with two baby hippos.

So I am telling you and your listeners that everybody needs to protect Mu Deng at all costs.

She is in danger.

He has been looking at your memes and he is licking his lips.

I'm not proud of what I did next.

I worried that this might happen.

And so so I had a

red wig.

I popped it on Simon Featherby and I said, look, I'm going to crank up the dry ice.

You know the album.

You know the hits.

I'll play Good Luck Babe out of Spotify and you just get out there and just vamp.

Vamp like your life depends on it.

Because looking at this crowd, it really does.

He forced me to put this red wig on and go out and perform as Chapel Rowan herself.

Now,

I can belt out Good Luck Babe with the best of them.

I did a passable job.

And whilst I did that, he made out of one of the stained glass windows.

But the crowd didn't notice because, well, you don't often see Chapel Rowan in that intimate a venue.

A lot of the congregation believed that, well, perhaps this is just what she looks like up close.

And I was doing a pretty passable performance.

And, you know, for a few minutes, I actually started to believe...

Maybe I've got what it takes.

Maybe

perhaps with all the concussion I've forgotten, I really am Chapel Rowe, and I don't know the ins and outs of it.

But I really believed I felt finally I'd been accepted.

Perhaps I'd made it.

And so then I went straight into Pink Pony Club, but then I started doing a lot of the dance moves to try and go with the song and did a high jump kick.

The red wig came off.

They realized exactly what was going on.

The jig was up and they were baying for blood and the blood was mine.

I can hardly describe the level of violence that crowd directed towards me.

I think any other man would have died in about a second.

And the only thing that steeled me for it, that gave me the resilience to make it up the other side, was having spent several years being hit by cars at the side of a motorway.

I'd had the metal in me all those years.

Literally, in many cases.

I actually still got the front headlights of a Ford Fiesta still lodged in my spine.

Matthew 27, verses 45 and 46.

Now, from the sixth hour until the ninth hour, there was a darkness all over the land.

And about the ninth hour, Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, Moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo,

moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo, moo.

Moo, moo, moo, moo moo moo

well Reverend Hilary, thanks so much for coming on.

It's great to hear about your new catchphrase.

And I mean, I guess as I've been talking to you, I've just been thinking, you know, I can't think of another world religion that has hit catchphrases quite as hard as you have.

No, no, and they don't think about it.

And we live in a sound by age.

You know, take back control, make America great again.

A little less chapel roan, a little bit more chapel going.

These, this is, this is,

I see myself as a phenomenally modern priest well um reverend hillary i wish you all the best and uh do you have a just teeing up here do you have a final message for um for our listeners i absolutely do of course and thank you so much and uh what what what i'll do is i'll move my mouth and you'll use you say you said the words okay my my final message and and are you sure you don't want to do southern states we could try it

let's try southern states yes yes thank you so much for this interview i've I've enjoyed every moment and I would like to say to all of you listening out there in podcast land,

why

we need a bit less chapel roan and a bit more chapel going.

Thank you.

So, Father Simon Featherby, thank you so much for being so candid and

telling us about what's going on down there.

I'm a little worried because I think you've been so open and obviously this episode will probably be heard by Hilary and the rest of the congregation down there at St.

Catherine's.

Does it not rather throw up some problems for you?

Not at all.

To tell you the truth, I'm relieved.

I'm relieved to have this out in the open.

I'm ready to burn my bridges.

I'm finished here because if there's one thing that this experience has taught me,

It's that I'm actually a pretty passable Chapel Rowan impersonator.

So, all of you young folk on the streets of Bromley, you better get ready for Father Simon Featherby because I'm H-O-T-G-O-T-O-U.

H-O-T-T-O.

Well, I'll have to look through the lyrics again, but what I'm saying is, I'm hot to go.

And you can get me hot to go.

As of today, thank you, please.

A big thanks to Father Simon Featherby and to Reverend Hilary Block for those interviews.

Much has changed actually in the last few days since we recorded those interviews.

Simon Featherby has left St.

Catharines and has begun advertising himself as a Chapel Roan Tribute Act, going by the name Chapel Roan, but with Chapel spelt C H A P E L rather than C H A P E double L.

As for Reverend Hilary, only yesterday the Worldwide Fund for Nature launched a multi national campaign aiming to put pressure on Hilary to return those gorilla buttocks from from his chest to Turkey so that they can be reattached to the washed-up street gorilla.

More on that when we get it.

So that's all we've got time for this month.

But if you're after more beef and dairy news, get over to our website now where you'll find all the usual stuff, as well as our off-topic section, where this month Irish singer Enya talks us through her collection of leather bins.

So, until next time, beef out.

Thanks to Matthew Crosby, Tom Burgess, Jem Arrowsmith, and Linnea Shomewhere in an alternate universe where Hollywood is smarter.

And the Emmy nominees for Outstanding Comedy Series are Jet Pacula, Airport Marriott, Prepple, Dear America, We've Seen You Naked, And a la in the family.

In our stupid universe, you can't see any of these shows, but you can listen to them on Dead Pilot Society, the podcast that brings you hilarious comedy pilots that the networks and streamers bought, but never made.

Journey to the alternate television universe of Dead Pilot Society on maximumthun.org.

Oh, darling, why won't you accept my love?

My dear, even though you are a Duke, I could never love you.

You

borrowed a book from me and never returned it.

Save yourself from this terrible fate by listening to Reading Glasses.

We'll help you get those borrowed books back and solve all your other reader problems.

Reading Glasses every Thursday on Maximum Fun

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