Episode 115 - Milky Man

Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

I'm sorry to say that all our operators are busy at present, tuning, skimming and wrestling with the autumn calves.

But if you have questions, please leave.

Amy?

Amy!

It's not putting me through!

No one's answering.

I think we just...

We just call the police.

This is ridiculous.

He's gone.

What?

He jumped out of the window.

What?

I know.

It's all been quite bad.

What?

You were supposed to be holding him.

No, he's strong as a horse.

He was about eight.

You're dick.

He was easily 12.

12?

Okay, a sickly 12, easily.

Look, sorry for believing you had the ability to restrain a sickly 12-year-old.

There's something wrong with that kid, mate.

It was was like his insides were made of robots.

Where's he gone?

He squeezed my upper arm and it was like a tornado at him.

Oh my god, stop using such confusing words.

Did you talk to them?

He wouldn't stop screaming about it.

The cow and milk show, whatever it was.

No, no, I got the answer phone.

Okay.

Fucking hell.

What do we do now?

Do we- do we- do we call the police?

I don't know.

Is it a crime?

Technically, he jumped in the window, but then, you know, if he almost immediately jumped out again, I mean, that is illegal, but only very quickly.

Is it illegal to jump into a house, though?

Yes, yes, I mean, yes, I think so.

Okay.

Not to mention interrupting a very important conversation.

Oh, mate, don't start now.

Let's just deal with this surprise boy thing and then.

I'm not starting.

If anything, I'm carrying on.

I know, and I would rather not.

It has been weeks.

I know.

Listen, I'm gonna try calling the beef thing again.

You're no longer in a relationship with the man.

I know that.

Well, then you know he can't live with us anymore.

Can we deal with the leaping toad boy situation first?

Keep turning it off.

You can't just sleepwalk through this.

In Graham's defense, he's barely here.

Are you joking?

He was practicing for his trombone recital for four hours last night.

He's trying to improve himself.

Three different neighbours asked me if I was being killed and could he get on with it.

It is a horrible streak, to be fair.

I'm sorry for him.

He's a lonely sad sack that you dumped, but.

Jesus, he's not a sad sack.

He's got a trombone, hasn't he?

You're never alone with a trombone.

You need to tell him to get a move on.

Someone has to change something.

It's weird, as just hanging out in the house, being in rooms together, just making making toast like it's normal.

Hi, mate, eating some bread or sea.

Also, please leave and never come back.

At least you could probably have restrained a small boy when he jumps through the window.

Can't go out with someone based on their ability to restrain young boys.

I such a bad value.

Can we talk about this when a boy hasn't just climbed in the house and shouted about some meat radio program?

Okay, okay.

He was so strong though.

Like why was he so strong?

I don't know.

What did he want?

I think think he.

No, maybe not.

What?

Oh, I don't know.

I thought he said something about a calling.

How he was trying to get away from the calling.

Yeah, he said about patterns he heard in the beef.

But why did he come here?

I'm gonna call him again.

Okay, I'll check the sills for damage.

The sills?

The sills?

The window sills?

Yeah.

Are we abbreviating windowsills?

Just call the number.

I'm doing it.

Oh, he's put soil all over the skirting board for that bastard.

Do you mean skirty bees?

Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network Podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

God!

I'm sorry to say that all our operators are busy at present.

Hello, love.

Hello?

Any milk at all?

Oh, um...

Milk?

We're fine for milk, thanks.

I don't think I even knew we had milkmen on this

bit.

Yes.

Dying breed.

Yeah, yeah.

Shops.

Yes, yes, yes, that must that must be

it's the shops what done it, officer.

Yeah,

yeah, I mean, well, it's it's hard because you can you can't just get everything there, so.

Last of the warriors, we are.

Shops done in the bread man,

the cabbage men, the meat man.

That's butchers, isn't it?

We used to call them meat men.

Probably a worse name.

They all used to go door to door.

The streets would be streaming with salesfolk.

Knock, knock, knock.

Good morning, madam.

Care for a head of lettuce?

Care for a rustic bap?

Yeah,

lots of products.

Care for a fresh bean, ma'am?

Can I interest you in my wool?

Care for a gallery?

Benny for a shiny egg.

And now look at us.

The last battalion.

Me all alone, except for my cranking little bottles and my tiny little car cranking out its little song.

Here he comes the Milky Man.

The Milky Man is here.

Come on, boys.

It's the Milky Man.

That is lovely.

I'm not familiar, but it is.

Nope.

Nope.

I think we're okay for milk.

No.

I'm asking you, love.

I'm going door to door.

Things being what they are, my bottles are bone dry.

Any milk going?

Spare a tinkle of creamy white for a milkman in need?

Uh, I'm not sure that's.

I'll just let me get my um

just stay there.

Just survival, do you know what I mean?

Of course, yeah.

That's why we train them.

Sorry, you have to train them so they can carry it on.

Just

give me a second,

Amy!

So I called the police.

They said they've had similar reports of a rogue strong boy, but unless we can confirm it was a leap rather than a jump, there's very little they can do.

Amy!

What?

There's a milkman at the door.

Oh, cute.

I am mostly like a leaf milk person now, though.

What's leaf milk?

It's where they skim the milk directly from the top of the leaf after it rains.

Do you mean water?

I don't know, it's incredibly hydrating.

Oh, can you just...

Can you just come and see this guy, please?

Why?

Please, weird!

Please, just talk to him whilst I get him some milk.

I don't want to leave him at the door on his own.

Sorry, I don't understand.

Isn't he supposed to sell you milk?

Don't have time, Amy.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Milk, milk, milk.

I don't think that's part of God's plan, darling.

Hello.

Hello.

Thanks so much for this.

Amy here was just telling me about your boy.

Oh,

a boy.

A boy trying trying to escape through your living room bloody window.

Was he we don't.

Was he escaping?

Just a turn of phrase, sweetheart.

Do you have the.

Uh, yes, I'm so sorry.

We don't actually have any.

We don't we don't have any uh milk.

Oh

right.

Oh, we we do?

No, no, no, no.

Yeah, no, I saw it.

It's in the fridge door you bought yesterday.

No, it's it's um.

I'll get it.

No, no, I drank it.

I drank it.

When?

Just now.

Uh, I'm really sorry.

I don't, I

don't quite know what happened.

I just sorry, you drank all the milk.

No, no.

No, no, no.

Good girl.

Good for you.

Nothing better for you than milk.

Good for the bones.

Keeps you young, makes you strong.

I'll be off then, if you're happy.

I really am sorry.

Toby, please.

It's fine.

Off he goes the Milky Man.

The Milky Man was here.

Off he pops the Milky Man with the Milky Sling in the skip.

Bye.

A litre of milk.

Yeah, I know.

I don't know what happened.

That must be so claggy.

It was actually horrible in the throat, but to be honest,

I do feel a bit better.

How do your bones feel?

Did he seem weird to you?

You seem very weird to me.

Something, something's going on.

I don't know.

What?

Can you hear that?

What?

Can you hear that noise?

No.

It's the TV.

Did you turn the TV on?

No, I was checking the sills.

Oh, you stopped saying sills.

They're fine, by the way.

Thanks, Mask.

There's a bit of surface damage, but

come on, something's happening.

We've got to go see.

You seriously can't hear that?

No.

What's going on with you?

Nothing.

It just sounds exactly like...

Like what?

The guy, the beef guy!

What?

It stopped.

I thought...

Oh, sorry, sorry.

It's that boy.

He's just freaked me out.

Like, where did he go?

Oh, the guy said it was sorted.

What guy?

The milk guy.

What, the boy was sorted?

Yeah, he said it's all fine, they're happy.

Who's they?

Fucking hell, his family, I assume.

Who else could have meant?

I don't know.

I just...

That guy saying he tried to escape.

And...

I'm sorry, but what kind of milkman doesn't carry his own milk?

Well, he's retiring soon.

He probably can't be asked anymore.

How long did you talk for?

You were in here drinking a litre of milk.

Yes, we had a chat.

What did he actually say?

Just he's ready to retire and that he's found his replacement.

Why are you being so insane?

Oh, I just.

I need.

I'm gonna go for a walk.

Okay, well, apparently, we need more milk, so do you fancy driving to the shop?

Yes, yeah, I'll do that.

And I'll call Graham and I'll talk to him about the whole moving on thing.

I should have done it earlier.

You're right.

Look, no, it's hard to.

Like, it's a whole new chapter.

It's easy just to get stuck in a bit of a.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, let's both go.

Yeah.

Yes, great.

Thanks, Ames.

Let's go.

I'll just try this number one more time.

Hello, and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.

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Oh, what the f.

Ugh, doesn't matter.

I honestly think like a new start will be good for all of us actually.

Yeah, not gonna lie, since I got that Nintendo Switch, I've been doing like 14 hours a day on this oil rig simulator and it's bloody compelling, but you do start to, you know, see the skin on your hands age in real time.

The problem is, you are so suited to simulation oil rig life.

I know, I am.

Like, it's so wistful and desolate, but I'm still in a really nice chair.

Okay,

let's go to the shop.

When we get back, everything will feel normal.

Oh, sorry, one sec.

Okay.

Amy,

Amy!

Oh, what's she doing?

Amy, are you getting in?

Keep driving.

What?

What the fuck?

Where's Amy?

Where are we?

Driver, you're in charge of navigation.

Get going.

There could be anywhere.

But I.

Turn the engine on.

Oh, for goodness sake.

I'll told us the radio.

I'm not hungry yet.

I'm careful with the fuck and everything.

Uh, I will, yeah.

Keep your eyes clean.

Yeah,

they could be anywhere.

You know, I used to think the whole thing was quite barbaric.

My husband, do you have a husband?

I can't, um, there's some problems with Graham, I think.

My husband's romantic.

He's a sweetheart.

Do you know what I mean?

He bathes me.

He buys me cherries and he whispers at me.

He's gone for weeks, and then he comes back in for the night and covers me with soft, heavy fabric.

It's very surprising and very relaxing.

Anyway, he said to me at one point, it's not fair, all this.

You know what we're doing here.

He thinks we should leave well alone.

And I said to him, listen.

There was a time I was working in Asda, in Warrington.

Do you know the Warrington big Azda?

She's an absolute tank.

Honestly, she's a hippo of an Azda.

Fully gorgeous.

And I was shelf-stacking L-5 bacon and cereals when I saw a man sticking a packet of Ouitos in his trousers, straight in, straight down.

And obviously, I'm a human being.

My blood ran cold.

Yes, the markup's big.

Yes, a wheato is a high-starch intake for a morning treat.

But to see that,

so crude, against the calm backdrop of the breakfasts I knew and loved so well,

it was a shock.

And you know, it's one of those things, isn't it?

Do you say something?

Do you not?

Do you take action?

Do you let it go?

And I breathed in, and I thought to myself, it's here.

It's tiny holes like this where evil creeps in.

And I took a breath and I steadied myself and I walked over to him saying, excuse excuse me, excuse me, Sarah over there.

And he, this poor man, he cocked his head like a criminal chicken and he bolted.

He ran for it instantly.

He sprinted past cheese, perishables, world food, mops.

And honestly, before I could type the emergency code into my personal radio, he was gone.

I was just left standing agog.

And I tried to explain what had happened to Jill.

And she told me that cereals was Jeff's territory.

And after what had happened at the team away day, I had to stop trying to show off.

Next day, I'm doing the same round, the same route.

I'm sorry, but Jeff is not a thorough person, and this is an Aldi.

We have standards to maintain.

And I see the exact same

man stood at the exact same place, same time.

I can't believe he's come back, to be honest with you.

Every hair on my body was poker straight and poker thick and I watch.

I watch and I see him pick up a packet of wheat hose freshly restocked.

He holds it gently, lovingly,

and slides it down his trousers.

This time it's like a gun has been shot.

I'm off.

I'm shouting oi!

Oi, twice in two days!

How much chocolatey fibre does one man need?

He sees me, his face registers the same insane surprise and he's gone.

Same route, same thing.

I can't bloody catch him.

He's dust.

He's the bloody horizon.

Third day?

I cannot believe it when I see him.

When I round the corner and he's there, all the breath leaves my body and I start screaming.

And he's reaching for the wheatos.

I can see it right in front of me, the shameless bastard, and I just start yelling, no,

no, you cannot come here and disrespect this mighty establishment get here get here now

and it's as his eyes widen and the surprise registers on his face and I think how

how can this be surprising to you

third day third day in a row that you've come in here with the intent to thieve

It's as I'm thinking this, that in that second I realize he's wearing the exact same clothes he was yesterday and the day before that

and not only that

every detail about them is the same a tiny thread dangling from the left pocket a mild tea stain on the elbow I've barely had time to digest what it is what this means

before he's off like a pony on a laser beam

why does he come back

Why the same box every day?

And when did they get rid of Professor Whito from the boxes?

Was he testing badly?

What happened there?

Fourth day.

I've barely slept.

I'm a bit of a mess, to be honest with you.

Of course, I've brought it up at the morning meeting, and of course, Jeff has said something pathetic about how it's his zone, and I should get back to worrying about how cold the fish counter is.

It's covered in ice, Jeff.

Those kippers couldn't be frostier.

But I've begged everyone, keep an eye, keep an eye out for the Weeto's man.

Time ticks away.

I'm hardly registering what people are saying to me.

I'm watching the clock.

I'm just flinging herring hither and thither.

And when the moment comes, I abandon Carl at the counter.

I can't help myself.

Around the corner, I have to know.

I don't know what I'm praying for.

And he's there.

Same clothes, same look of peace, of expectation on his face.

He reaches for the We Toes.

I don't move.

It's like time slows down.

I turn and I look to see if anyone else is around, if anyone else can confirm what it is I now know, what I can feel in my heart to be true.

He's not doing it every day.

Of course he's not.

It's not that he's doing it every day.

It's just that this place keeps repeating it.

I stand still, fighting my instinct to join him, to shout.

I stay silent as the grave.

And then I watch.

As without warning, he looks up in horror.

He twists his head back like he did every other time, that grotesque jump, as if I've shouted Bloody Mary at him and he bolts.

I watch him leap over the magnificent Tower of Quality Street, like I have every day for the past four days.

And then he's gone he's trapped in a loop I can see it now

or at least this ghost is

can there be ghosts of people still alive

and as Jill descends on me for leaving Carl unattended with the clams I think to myself is there some version some brief shadow of me somewhere at my lowest step you know some memory playing out over and over sticking pick and mix down my top just before going to see Matrix Revolutions.

Or crying in front of the old El Paso box because my husband's not been home for six weeks.

Is that all these places are?

The trailing memories of nights spent snaking around a labyrinth looking for something, some answer, some

comfort.

Do we come here to these palaces of sustenance because they're all we've got?

They contain everything we need to live.

They feast on our need.

I don't know.

There was something in it all that made me think about what we're doing here.

You know, rounding these people up, giving them a trade they never asked for, giving a life they'll never escape from until they can dump it onto the next poor, unsuspecting idiot.

But you can be a ghost in your own skin.

Why not take a fresh start, you know?

Why not fight back against the palace?

I was banned from the cereals aisle after that.

Jeff finally put his pathetic little foot down and I was relegated to fruit and veg.

But I never stopped thinking about it.

Is there a way to break him out?

Is there a way to stop those We Toes

going down those trousers?

Can we change ourselves?

Or does it take someone else seeing our endless loops?

To fucking hell, there's one!

careful, Jesus Christ, you're not supposed to fucking hit them.

I didn't, I didn't, oh my god.

It's all right, it's all right, he's running into the darkness.

Keep going.

I don't want to keep going.

I know they're powerful.

That's what happens if you force them to drink nothing but milk and push their bones down to be little children's bones.

But they can't outlast a car.

We need to get them back.

Look, if we just let him go.

Let him go?

We don't create milk boys to let them go.

We create them so they can fulfill their destiny.

I've been inside Big Azte.

Don't you understand?

They want it all.

Milk is for a doorstep, not a refrigerated shelf.

It's up to us to take a stand.

It's up to us to create milk soldiers and fight.

We put a bottle in their hands and we give them a life.

And then those boys, those lovely boys, become milkmen.

It's only milk.

It's just milk.

The call sounds.

The messages are heard!

And those who hear it have no choice but to join the milk, boys!

I don't understand!

I don't understand.

Faster!

Faster!

I'm trying!

Don't let the rain stop us!

Wait, it's in here!

Keep your eyes clean!

It's raining!

In here, we have to stop.

It's just mad life, you know.

It's not water.

Oh, God, it's not water.

It's not water, it's milk.

It's rotting.

Oh, god.

Oh god, please.

If you're stuck in a rot, I can't see.

I can't see where we're going.

I'll turn up the sound, that will help.

No!

That's not why I'm

welcome to the beef and drink.

Can't run forever.

Oh, the radio, that voice that's astoid all this.

Please, I-I- There he is!

Chasing down!

a major sponsor.

Amy, there was a great deal of excitement ahead of the event, in no small part due to the

of the host and entertainer, Les Cheese, formerly of double-act cheese and onion.

Sadly, two days before the event, while

you

sorry, I must have dozed off or had a weird nap or something.

Uh, Amy,

are you still coming to the shop?

Hello?

what are you doing here oh sorry what what do you mean this this is my house what are you doing here gosh there appears to be some kind of mix-up i think we're all good for milk aren't we zoe

don't say my name to me uh amy amy there's no need to do this get out of my house zoe i'm here don't worry oh thank god amy help me that

this man is a bit harsh though come on This man?

What are you talking about?

Amy, you're being very kind, but this really is my fault.

I should have asked you to get your things and get out a while ago now.

I just.

I was too much of a coward.

I was just trapped, you know?

Where's your little hat gone?

Don't know what you're talking about.

Where are the bottles?

Oh, yes, of course, wouldn't want to send you out there without them.

Amy.

I'm sorry, Zoe, but, like, you guys aren't even going out anymore.

It's weird, you know?

No offense.

But, but.

But, like, I don't mind having you here or anything.

It's just like, it's time, you know.

We all need to get out of our weird little loop.

Wait.

Oh, Oh, and of course, this.

But this.

But this isn't mine.

I never played this.

Keep it up, won't you?

You're really getting somewhere.

Get inside, love.

You're freezing.

No, no, no, Amy.

Oh, Amy, Amy!

You can't just take my life.

I did nothing, sweetheart.

You're the one who made the call.

Now the tiny car's on its way.

Don't try to run.

They can always hear the clanking.

No.

No.

Someone has to.

Hello, and welcome to the Beef Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved or just interested in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

I'm sorry to say that all our operators are busy at present tuning, skimming and wrestling with the autumn calves.

But if you have questions, please leave.

You have to leave.

What?

If you're listening to this, the great milk call has been passed to you, and none may deny its power.

Say farewell to your loved ones, begin your great drinking.

The thirst awakens, and the milk life is yours from now on.

You're a milk boy now, and one day you'll become a man.

Hello there!

In you get

Welcome to the rest of your life.

Brought to you by delivering milk around the local area and running, screaming into the night.

I'll be better.

I promise.

I'll gour this rut and

it's behind you now.

But I don't want to be lonely.

You won't be lonely?

Not with that splendid thing.

Yes.

Yes, of course.

You're never alone with a trombone, as they say.

You'll need accompaniment, of course.

Sam, that's all we've got time for this month.

That was the Beef and Dairy Network Halloween special.

Let's go.

In Milky Man, Natasha Hodgson played Zoe, Stevie Martin played Amy, Daniel Rigby played The Milkman, Amy Gledhill played the woman in the car, and I played the host of the The Beef and Dairy Network.

It was written by Natasha Hodgson and it was edited and sound designed by Andy Goddard.

Hello, Ben here.

This episode is the first one that's written in its entirety by somebody else that isn't me.

And I wanted to do something for Halloween.

And I knew Natasha would do a really good job.

I'm a huge fan of hers.

And if you enjoyed this episode, please do check out a podcast that she made, along with producer Andy Goddard, who worked on this.

It's called The Sync, colon a sleep aid.

That's the sink colon a sleep aid and you can find it as they say wherever you get your podcasts.

It's only six episodes they're quite short and it's one of my favorite ever podcasts.

It's really good if you like kind of creepy stuff creepy weirdy stuff.

It's so good.

So yeah that's a big recommendation from me.

Thanks for listening.

Bye

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