Episode 114 - Live At London Livestock Dietary Supplements Con 2024

Hello, this episode is a recording of a live show that we recently did at the London Podcast Festival.

In the show, there were some visual elements, which obviously won't translate very well as a podcast.

Most of them I've basically edited out, but some of them that are germane to the storyline, I've kept in, and I've added some little explainers for things you might need to imagine with your mind's eye.

On with the show.

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Hello and welcome to the Beef and Dairy Network podcast, the number one podcast for those involved, audio interested, in the production of beef animals and dairy herds.

And this edition is a very special one as we're recording it live in front of a sold-out crowd

here at the London Livestock Dietary Supplements Con 2024.

It's been a great event so far and no doubt many of the audience here have spent the weekend bouncing from symposium to keynote speech.

We've hung out at the Vitamin E Lounge, the Magnesium River, the calcium maize and the manganese tasting session where we'll watch James May from Top Gear die.

So what is the Beef and Dairy Network bringing to the party?

Well, we're going to deliver a very special session, a whole episode that we're calling

Tickled Zinc.

And to talk about that most cheeky of minerals, please welcome zinc expert Jonathan Tomzano.

George Hereford.

Sorry?

My name is Dr.

George Hereford.

Oh, sorry.

Jonathan Tonsano!

George Hereford.

Jonathan Tonzano.

George.

Jonathan Tonzano.

No, my name is George.

Tonsano?

George Hereford!

George Hereford, Dr.

George Hereford.

Sorry, of course.

Please welcome Dr.

Jonathan Tonzano.

George Hereford!

Sorry.

Sorry, of course.

George Hereford.

Welcome to the podcast.

Now, would you say that zinc is your passion?

Absolutely.

And I know what you're all thinking.

That sounds pretty boring.

Someone being totally consumed by an interest in zinc.

But I do have other interests that are a bit more rock and roll.

Ooh, yeah.

What's that then?

Yes, I'm also interested in gypsum.

Right.

So, here we are.

Tickled zinc.

We are pleased with that name.

Yes, it's very dynamic, George.

Tickled zinc takes the form of a 90-minute presentation, and I know that sounds dry, but I've got some surprises up my sleeve.

Well, okay.

Take it away, George.

Hereford, everyone.

Thank you.

Good afternoon, everyone.

It's a pleasure to be here today to discuss a topic that is crucial to the health and productivity of our cattle.

Zinc supplementation.

Studies show that cattle naturally gravitate towards zinc-rich foods.

They do it by instinct alone.

Or as I call it...

Zinc stinks.

Zinc!

It's fun.

As many of you already know, nutrition is the cornerstone of animal health as cattle reach maturity.

And zinc plays a pivotal role in

whether they zinc or swim.

Zinc is fun.

And that's a pun.

Okay, George, George, George.

I'm going to stop you there.

Is your talk 90 minutes of solid zinc puns?

No.

Is it?

Yes.

Listen, Jonathan, George, Tonzano, Hereford.

I think I speak for all of this, but I don't think we can take 90 minutes of zinc puns.

Well, maybe it just needs more puns.

Just zincing out loud here.

Set phases to pun.

You dog bastard.

No, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to lighten things up a bit.

I have been told that I am quite boring.

Yes, uh, you remind me of someone.

Do you know someone called Barry?

Oh, he's my brother.

Ah, yes.

He works in a pin factory.

Yeah.

Listen, I've got a plan B.

If the puns aren't working, I will give the rest of my presentation with the help of my new mascot.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Zinxi.

We see a metal alien with wings and a beak.

Zinxie!

What in the Duolingo owl is going on here?

Say hello, Zinxi!

Zinxi!

You love zinc, don't you, Zinxi?

Zinc!

And you're so sad when someone won't let you eat your zinc supplements, aren't you?

Zinxi!

But because you're my daughter and I love you,

I'll give you zinc whenever you want.

Zinxie!

Sorry, I'll just stop you there.

Did you say daughter?

Well, yes, we thought we were having a baby, but

no.

I gave my wife so many zinc supplements during pregnancy that we ended up with a big blob of anthropomorphized zinc.

Jesus Christ.

Yes, it was quite a shock when that came barreling out of my wife.

Zinxi!

But now we love her in a way.

Zinxi!

Sorry, Zinxi, we love you just as much as we love our other two children.

Both of them big lumps of quartz with a face.

So hang on, all of your children are minerals?

Yes, it's horrifying.

But don't mind the rocks that I got.

I'm still, I'm still Dr.

George Hereford from the block.

The geology block of Portsmouth University.

Anyway, let me get on with my presentation.

No, no, no, actually, I'm going to stop you there.

I mean, thanks for coming today, but I'm afraid I haven't been totally straight with you.

This episode isn't actually a 90-minute symposium about zinc.

Zinxy?

No, sorry, Zinxi.

Yes, we advertised this as a zinc symposium, but it was all a cover for what we're really doing here today.

And to explain more, please welcome our next guest.

He's probably best known for formerly being the Bovine Poet Laureate and having a cow's face stitched to his face.

As a punishment by the Bovine Farmers Union, it's Michael Banyan!

Hello!

Hello!

Now, Michael, this is quite a confusing situation here, potentially.

Can you explain what is going on?

Well, I've written a new book, right?

It's a memoir called The Man with the Caramel Hand.

Congratulations, that's fantastic.

Yes, and when you write a new book, you have to have a book launch.

Right.

It's a thing, us writers, we're very superstitious about this kind of thing.

You have to have a book launch.

If you have a new book, got to launch it.

We worry, there's this fear that if you don't launch a book, it'll suffer terrible, terrible sales.

Worse even than Tony Blair's ill-fated cookbook.

Yeah, he claimed all the recipes could be made in under 45 minutes, but it was little more than a dossier of lies.

Although the paella was decent.

Decent paiella.

Decent.

So I knew I had to launch The Man with the Caramel Hand, but I also knew that if I advertised publicly this book launch, then certain figures from the literary establishment,

certain dark figures from my past would come out of the woodwork and drag me back into my old life of debauchery, drink, drugs and going to Chessington World of Adventures, absolutely shit-faced

with the Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby.

But hang on, aren't book launches quite genteel affairs?

You naive fool!

Book launches are the most sordid, repulsive, hedonistic displays of degraded, orgeastic, Babylonian indulgence.

This side of the question time after party.

Are you sure?

Because I'm pretty sure I've been to a book launch in the past and it was just people quietly talking over volavants.

You naive idiot!

The thing is, you see, you think you remember that, but they say that if you can remember going to a book launch, you probably didn't actually go to the book launch.

And what you think you can remember about the book launch is, in fact, a false memory inserted into your mind through a mixture of brain implants and subliminal hand puppetry performed in the dead of night at the base of your bed by Kazwo Ishiguro.

So, your contention is that I did go to a book launch, but my memory of it has been created, a sort of fabrication has been created by Kazu Ishiguro.

That's exactly what I'm saying, yes.

Right.

Look, for example, my diary tells me that I went to the book launch of Haruki Murakami's 2009 short story collection, The Fragrant Wasp.

Right?

But in truth, I can barely remember a thing about it.

Wow.

Swathes of blank, huge swathes of blank.

Although sometimes, in the middle of the night,

images

come back to me.

Dreadful.

Dreadful images.

Mark Rylance.

Doing a version of the piano scene from Big.

But instead of the piano, it's a theremin.

And instead of his feet, it's his penis.

Thank God it's only his stage penis, but still.

Kaso Oshiguru hunched over a laptop, trying to download LimeWire.

A chocolate fountain in the shape of Melvin Bragg, you idiot, it's not in the shape of Melvin Bragg, it is Melvin Bragg!

Ishiguru's got LimeWire working and he's managed to download three quarters of the fourth season of The West Wing.

But now he's lost interest and he's doing opium with Kirsty Walk.

Margaret Atwood, she's out the back in charge of the penguin barbecue.

And she's on a whole Emperor Roast with bottomless crispy beak garnish.

And then.

Franzen.

Franzen is wearing a t-shirt, but it isn't an ordinary t-shirt.

It's a Nike t-shirt.

But it isn't an ordinary Nike t-shirt.

Because instead of the familiar tick,

it doesn't say just do it.

It says just did it.

Implying that he's recently had sex.

No!

Gosh.

Sorry, Michael, I didn't, you know, I didn't want...

I feel bad having made you relive that.

Sorry.

Yeah, but you think that's bad.

Luckily, my brain is he will have edited out the very worst parts.

Although I do have a vague memory of the poet laureate Simon Armitage bursting out of a roast venison playing a pepper army flute.

So, you didn't want your book book launch today to go that way, and that's why you're doing it in secret here today.

Exactly, this is all a cover for my book launch.

Hang on, so my zinc talk is just a sham.

Please, Jonathan, can you take yourself and your zinc abomination of a daughter off the stage?

Zinxi!

Don't listen to him, Zinxi.

Come on.

We know when we're not wanted.

Let's go and feed you some zinc.

Okay, you laugh, but we're in a very serious situation, okay, because this is an undercover book launch.

And

we're all in very, very grave danger.

Okay, and that danger has a name.

Its name is Jonathan Franzen.

Now, I thought Franzen had turned a corner.

Because he called me two weeks ago and he said, he said, Michael, I'm finally off the sauce.

I said, that's fantastic news.

He said, by which I mean I've stopped eating sauce.

I now just pour vodka directly onto meat.

I hung up.

A week later, he calls me again.

He says, I mean it this time, Michael.

I mean it this time.

I'm back on the straight and narrow.

I say, that's fantastic news.

He says, I'm on a very straight and narrow diving board, 12 meters above a swimming pool full of baileys.

I hung up again.

The man cannot change.

He will not ever change.

So, yeah, he's very much his old self.

He's very much his old self.

Yeah, okay.

So,

what I've done is I've taken precautions.

In the dead of night, I secretly attached a tracker onto one of Jonathan Franzen's legs.

Okay.

I believe we can actually bring up the tracker.

We can see where he is.

So we can see where he is.

We've got a direct...

Yeah.

So Jonathan Franzen.

Fucking help!

Oh, fuck!

So he's currently at Heathrow.

Yeah, so that's Classic Franz, and he bases himself at Heathrow because partly because it means he's in the best possible location to travel to any book launch that he finds out about.

And he's in the hub.

Right.

He's in a famous travel hub the other reason is that is it's got a 24-hour weatherspoons right okay and uh i think we can actually zoom in a bit

uh we can actually see that he's actually he's not in the terminal he's he's on the runway oh fuck me this is this is absolutely classic franzen you know how booze is cheaper in duty free yeah well a lot of people don't know this it's even cheaper on the runway so he's he's he's paying absolutely no tax right now okay

well michael look don't worry there's no way he could have heard about this book launch we're doing it in secret i'm sure we're safe.

And I believe later in the show, we can actually hear some extracts from the book.

That's right.

Well, excellent.

So more coming up after this.

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There's a Glenn Dogert for that.

Thank you very much.

You know, I've been voicing these adverts for this podcast for almost 10 years, but we have never spoken.

No, no, that's right.

We haven't.

How strange, actually.

Barbara Mitchell, pleased to meet you.

Oh, you're an actual...

you're a Mitchell.

That's right.

I married into the dynasty, honey.

All of the money with none of the jeans.

Oh, right.

Wow.

So.

So which of the brothers did you marry?

Was it Chuck?

Oh, no.

I wish.

Oh, Chuck.

The eldest son.

Handsome in finance.

Trust fund, 6'5, blue eyes.

First in line to be the CEO when daddy dies.

But no, Chuck is happily married to Elizabeth Holmes.

He met her.

He met her through the Billionaires Behind Bars app.

All the financial benefits of marrying a billionaire without having to meet them.

Of course.

So you must have married Hank?

Uh, no, not Hank either.

He's refreshing the app daily.

Holding out for Trump.

Okay.

So

which Mitchell brother did you marry?

My husband, Truckstop Mitchell.

Wow, I'd not heard of Truckstop?

No, the family tend to keep him out of the public eye, like the sixth Kardashian sister, Brenda.

Why do they keep Brenda out of the limelight?

Ass operation gone wrong.

Her ass is so big, it wouldn't just just break the internet, it breaks the majority of commercially available furniture.

Wow, okay.

So, why don't the Mitchells family want Truck Stop in the public eye?

Truckstop's not the brightest.

Oh, is it a good idea to be calling your husband stupid on a public podcast like this?

Oh, he'll never listen to this.

He has a single-figure IQ.

The only podcasts he listens to are Joe Rogan and some mindless shit called three bean salad.

Never heard of of it.

Sounds absolutely awful.

Ugh, yes.

So he's thick as a plank, but he was my way into the richest dynasty I could get my hands on after my failed attempt at a Gaddafi son.

Wow.

Yeah, I was even knocked back by Rupert Grint.

What's the matter, Rupert?

Is this not good enough for you?

Let me be your Hermione.

Why is this important to you, marrying into money?

Why is that a thing you want to do?

I woke up one morning and I thought life is short.

You know, we've all seen what happened to James May from Top Gear today.

That could be any of us.

So why not get as rich as I can?

And now that my feet are under the desk at Mitchell's, it's time for me to throw my weight around.

Which is why I'm shutting down the Beef and Dairy Network podcast.

What?

There's no money in agriculture anymore.

All the money is in podcasting.

And once your podcast is out of the way, I can launch Mitchell's own beef and dairy podcast, Barbara's Beef Bulletin with Barbara.

You can't do this.

I'm the sort of person who knows what they want and does what they have to do to get it.

Just like Queen Camilla, she knew what she had to do to get that royalty.

No, I mean you literally can't do this.

How can you force us to shut down?

Ooh, I actually can.

We own you.

Do you?

The paperwork's all been done.

I've sent it to your lawyer.

The beef and dairy network will cease to exist in, ooh, half an hour.

Bye!

More?

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Sorry about that, everyone.

The business with Barbara shutting in the podcast.

Nothing to worry about, I'm sure.

I've texted my lawyer, and she's on her way here to sort all that out.

In the meanwhile, back to the book launch.

I can feel him approaching.

Franzen, he's getting close.

I know his musk.

Okay, well, let's check in on the tracker.

Yes, it looks like he's making his way into central London on the Heathrow Express.

Oh, shit.

No, no, there's worse.

He's either that or he could easily be running down the train tracks as fast as a train.

He can do that.

He loves book launches that much.

Okay.

Fuck.

We need to get the hell on with this book launch.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

It's just that I think I speak for everyone in the audience when I say that I came here this afternoon to see a presentation about zinc.

Isn't that right, everyone?

Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing.

Oh,

thank you.

I think the crowd has spoken.

I'll continue with my presentation.

Oh, for God's sake.

Dickold Zinc with Dr.

George Hereford.

And Zinzy!

As people working in the production of meat beasts, my question is this.

Do we need to zinc outside the box?

Oh my god, officer!

He's got a pun!

Wait, wait a moment.

Hang on.

Sorry, what's that, boys and girls?

Is there someone you'd like to see here now?

Is it?

I can't...

Is there someone?

Uh-oh!

Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I'm putting a lid on this.

Jonathan Tanzano, that is the last zinc pun I'm allowing this afternoon.

Sling your hook and take your freak zinc daughter with you.

Zinc, zinc!

You magnetic freak.

Sorry.

Zinc isn't magnetic.

Get out of here!

Sorry, Michael.

Please, come back to the microphone.

Let's talk about your book.

Thank you.

So, The Man with the Caramel Hand is a memoir.

That's right.

It's about the last year or so of my life.

It's been a very, very tough time.

Basically, the AI revolution has completely decimated the poetry industry.

Almost overnight, it's gone from being one of the most highly paid professions

to being barely a realistic job prospect.

Wow.

I mean, that's right.

I think the main problem, isn't it, is that AI-produced poetry is actually miles better than human-produced poetry, isn't it?

Yeah, that's right.

It's not even close.

Poetry is the one thing that even a basic AI can do miles better than any human.

I mean, if an AI writes a recipe or instructions for a washing machine or something, it often doesn't feel quite right.

You notice it's something a bit off.

But a sonnet about the fragile beauty of love, they nail it every time.

So you've essentially been out of work as a poet.

That's right.

What have you been doing for money over the past few months?

Terrapin Lifeguard.

Okay.

Where did you get such a job?

At um

at Semi-Acratic World.

The um

the it's a safari uh park for semi-acritic animals owned by TV naturalist Chris Packham.

Okay.

Yeah, and it was a pretty good gig.

Pretty much, basically all I had to do was make sure the crocodiles didn't go into the terrapin pool.

And as long as I was on top of that, I could spend the rest of my time working on my screenplay.

I secretly dreamt of making it big in Hollywood.

Wow.

And of course there's a great tradition, of course, of poets writing Hollywood films, isn't there?

That's right.

Seamus Heaney wrote The Meg.

And of course, Philip Larkin famously wrote RoboCop.

What was your screenplay about?

Well, it was about a young boy with a dream to be the bovine poet laureate.

Ah, a sensitive, personal piece.

What was it called?

Look Hoof's Talking.

I sent it out to over a hundred American agents.

And was there any interest?

Do you know the phrase feeding frenzy?

Yes.

That's exactly what happened when the crocodile got into the terrapin enclosure.

Because I was distracted by a phone call from the one agent who got back to me.

But it wasn't just any agent, was it?

No, it wasn't.

It was Super Agent Xercex Piston.

Better known to most of you as the man with the caramel hand.

Ah, and he obviously gives his name to the book you wrote.

No, that's just a coincidence.

He told me he loved the script and he could get me a meeting with legendary producer Kathleen Wetherspoons.

All I had to do was to get on the next plane to LA.

Right, and I guess that's what you did.

Well, do you know the phrase the red eye?

Yeah.

That was all that was left of those 40 terrapins in my care.

By the time we'd finished the conversation, one red eye just floating there.

But I had bigger things on my mind.

That very night, I applied for a Monzo debit card, which charges 0% fees on foreign transactions with unlimited free cash withdrawals.

Four days later, it arrived, and about a week or so after that, I was boarding a plane to the Isle of Wight where I had a pre-booked holiday.

Three weeks after that, I was on another plane to the United Kingdom, where I was on the way back from the Isle of Wight.

It was a three-week holiday.

After that, life got in the way.

You know how it does.

Things just build up, and you just have

just so much to do.

And two and a half months after that, I got on the next plane to the USA.

And I believe that's where the book begins.

I wonder, could you read us an excerpt?

I'd love to.

I touched down in Los Angeles International Airport.

As I entered the terminal building, I saw my name, Michael Banyan, scrawled on a piece of A4 paper.

Who was holding it?

The English poet laureate, Simon Armitage.

What the hot fuck was he doing here?

Turned out he was trying to make it big in Hollywood too and was working as a taxi driver.

While he tried to get his police procedural film off the ground, it was an orangutan-based film called The Long Fairy Arm of the Law.

I told him it sounded like hot dog shit.

When we arrived at the restaurant, Armitage.

That's right,

I developed a mid-Atlantic accent on the way over.

On the way over, Armitage.

Armitage smiled at me and told me he only accepted Monzo.

I could tell the creep was desperately hoping that I was behind the curve on the way Monzo has transformed international travel finance.

So it was with relish that I pulled out my Monzo card

and the smile fell off his face like a rat off the shard.

My lunch meeting was in a crab and shrimp shack and waffle and shake burger

joint next to the booming freeway.

As I was shown to our table, part of me didn't believe the man with the caramel hand would actually be there.

But he was there okay.

But so was a nine-inch steel gun sticking out of the back of his head.

The waiter approached and I said, anything with prawns while I considered my next move.

Five minutes later, the lights went down and Hans Zimmer started a DJ set.

Pink smoke filled the room, and a huge, wobbly, pink, blobby monstrosity rolled up to my table

with Margot Robbie herself at the helm.

I'd ordered the prawn chariot.

It was the second most expensive prawn dish in the world, and my Monzo card literally exploded.

I was up Ship Boulevard, and I knew it.

That's someone that's been up Ship Boulevard and come back to tell the tale

Metaphorically

in London I'm on the home turf I can walk into any Bella pastor and ask him if I can use the toilets with a hit rate of about three in five which is actually

It's actually very strong.

But in LA, I was a nobody.

And the only way I could get back to the UK was by getting my movie, Look Who's Talking, made.

Unfortunately, I had less connections than a game of Connect 4 with all the pieces missing.

But thank God I could still write a good metaphor.

Oh, thank you for that reading, Michael.

Incredible writing.

Thank you, thank you very much.

It describes so well the predicament you were in.

I know.

Luckily, of course, eventually you were picked up by a Hollywood super producer.

I really was.

Kathleen Rethenspoons herself.

And you've got the chance to show her your script.

Yeah, and she loved it.

She absolutely loved the movie.

You know, if someone connects, I'm so, so lucky, so grateful to this.

She really connected with the film.

And she only asked for a couple of superficial changes.

Okay.

Just a couple of little minor tweaks, including changing the name of the film, which was now going to be

Deadpool versus Lego Alien

4.

Okay, well we'll hear more from the book later.

Let's just check the Franzen Trekker, see how he's doing.

Fuck a fucker doodle, fuck a doodle, fuck.

He's seriously close.

Yeah, he's made it to central London.

You know what?

I know exactly where he is.

I can zoom in.

Yeah, I fucking knew it.

It's the walk to walk next to the palladium.

And he'll be walking, but he won't be walking.

He doesn't respect the codes.

He just walks.

He just walks.

But you're meant to walk to walk.

You have to walk to walk.

That's the whole concept.

But he's walking to walk.

He's walking to walk.

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care, I tell you.

And he'll probably be going for the beef run broccoli.

Makes me sick.

Well, no.

Thank you, Mike.

Michael Bunyan, everyone.

So, what does your lawyer have to say?

I don't know.

She just got here.

Annalise, where have you been?

Hi, sorry I'm late.

I forgot what side of the road you guys drive over here.

Seems like a great lawyer.

Hey, she's the cheapest and most Dutch lawyer in all of London.

Sorry, why do you have a Dutch lawyer?

Because of my killer, USB.

I only know the Dutch legal system.

And that's why she's so cheap.

I've been looking at Barbara's letter.

In it, she claims that she owns the Beef and Dairy Network and that the podcast must be wound up by the end of this show.

My suggestion is that we give in to her demands otherwise I believe that we would be liable to a fine of over 50,000 pig tulip bulbs.

Ah shit, maybe getting a Dutch lawyer was a mistake.

Just face it, you're toast.

No, I'm going to fight this.

I don't think Mitchell even owns the Beef and Dairy Network.

You're just the sponsor.

Okay, I did some reading on the way over here to help explain what is going on and strap in because it's a real meeting of the the several mayors of Rotterdam, which is a yes, a Dutch phrase meaning complicated situation.

Get on with it, we don't have long.

So, the ownership of the network is set up in such a way that no one shareholder owns more than 50%, and so no shareholder can have overall control, as we can see on this spy chart.

So, 20%, as you can see, is owned by the actor Ted Danson.

5% is the government of Estonia, 45% is Mitchells Incorporated.

9% is Deborah Meaden.

5%

is the employees of John Lewis.

9% is Paul Giamatti.

And the final 7% is, well, I don't know who this is, but his name is Gonzales Bojengels.

Wow.

What a meeting of the several mayors of Rotterdam.

So as you can see, our friend here from Mitchells doesn't own more than 50%.

So, she can't call the shots.

And good luck trying to get Ted Danson to play ball.

Yeah.

He's currently planting corn on the moon, and that's not a Dutch saying.

He's actually doing it.

Not so fast.

It's true that Mitchells doesn't own enough Beef and Dairy Network,

but Gonzalez Bojangles is my illegitimate baby.

Okay, okay.

So Gonzalez Bojangles is your illegitimate son, but what difference does that make?

Look at the rules.

Bojangles is nine months old.

As his only parent, I can vote on his behalf.

Ugh, she's right.

Yeah, but she can't be the only parent, can she?

Nobody knows who the father is.

It isn't truck stop, that's for sure.

No, he'd rather stick his dick in the Mitchell Semen Milker 5,000 rubber horse vagina.

Or, to be honest, wear it as a hat.

He is incredibly stupid.

No, Gonzalez's father could be one of a thousand men.

Fair play.

Annalise, you try and work this out.

I'll get on with the show, and you try and work this out.

Okay, our next guest is a friend of the show.

It's Bovine Aspect, Bob Traskovic.

Nice to see you, Bob.

Thank you for having me, yes.

How have you been enjoying this weekend here at the London Livestock Dietary Supplements Con 2024?

I believe you're actually working here.

I've had a sort of truth gazebo in the corner.

Okay.

Working the angles.

So your take on the dietary supplements industry?

Is that what you're talking about?

Yeah.

Well, it's

it's

It's horseshit, isn't it, the whole thing?

Oh, really?

Because I'm sort of interested in your view of supplementation, like, as a vet.

Because obviously, these days, you know, there's a lot of people working in the industry here.

They'll be feeding supplements to their cattle in the hope of them being bigger and more healthy and that kind of stuff.

It's the woke karate again, isn't it?

Right.

Right.

Because obviously, in the old days, we'd feed cows anything, really.

You know, we talked treating them like a bin, you know,

some old plastic bags,

live ammunition.

Yeah.

Sofers, white goods.

You didn't get fly tipping back in the day, did you?

It's a modern phenomenon.

right?

The cow is ultimately an animal of utility, you see.

So they will eat what you present in front of them and they're fine.

Because the old idea was, of course, they've got four stomachs.

Yeah.

So wonderful white goods.

Yep.

Plastics.

Ceramics and glass.

And lid.

Yeah, exactly.

But people have sort of lost this idea.

Where's that gone?

It's liberal tosh.

It's come from the non-farming community.

And it's the same Wokerati that complain about landfill sites today.

We didn't need landfill sites before right you just left your jet ski on a bit of pasture land

it was clean on day one it was gone by day two right

day day three it's it's it's cow pat okay

and the cows were happy the cows have been doing that for thousands of years and um so I mean I'm here to push back on this this fad

so it's your contention that cows have been eating washing machines for thousands of years that is my contention yeah which is why no archaeologist has ever managed to find one.

It's really quite simple.

Yeah.

How come you're allowed to erect your truth gazebo here, given that everything you stand for is against everything this entire conference has.

Ah, well that's where you see people, occasionally security, well come and try and get rid of me, but that's when you I pop on the old

the old gloves and they.

The shoulder lengths.

The shoulder lengths.

I mean I know I wouldn't dare.

I don't wear these for work, of course not, because you lose texture, sensation,

the sting of

an errant, sort of bilious anus.

You lose a lot, but it will fend off security guards.

Interesting.

Yeah.

So, obviously, as a bet, you've worked with both cattle that are taking zinc supplements, for example, and cows that aren't.

What's the difference you'll see between those two classes?

I mean,

the first category is owned by Twats.

Right.

I mean, there's no difference.

You You can tell, the simplest test of a healthy cow is through the anus, of course.

If you haven't got much time, you can just put a naked flame

by the anus and measure the guffs.

There should be a sort of almost

constant, a bit like a sort of discharge pilot.

Exactly.

A pilot light should be

almost constant.

And if they're getting too much supplements and not able to just eat what they want to eat, then

there's no flame.

Or there'll be too much flame, and you'll know about it very quickly.

So you're saying that if you give them mineral supplements, for example, zinc supplements, supplements, the pilot light will be too strong?

I mean, if they like zinc supplements, you can give them to.

I mean, obviously, you're allowed to give your cows treats now and again, whatever it might be.

I mean, the cows I've worked with in the past, they love special K,

fourth-generation anabolic steroids, lithium, chicken cream, whatever it is, but it's a treat, it's not a supplement, right?

Okay, okay.

So, in your view as a cow, and there's lots of people here who've got their own herds at home,

what would you say was the perfect diet then for a cow?

I think get back to basics and just look at the anus.

The anus is where you read if the cow's diet is right, if it's plump and softly pulsating,

if it catches the moonlight

even on a medium overcast night, then you know you've got it just so.

Well, if it's got a dull finish and

it's flameless, or if it's been colonized by smaller animals, then you know you've and then just feed it a washing machine, just chuck what whatever you can, find the flighting goods, push what I mean, anything, frankly.

You know, I mean, in the Black Plague, they didn't need mass graves, they just left them out there.

The cows dealt with it, right?

They don't mind, they're workers.

Yeah, and well, it's been nice to have you here.

I mean, I hope you've been enjoying the whole weekend.

I don't know if you were present this morning at the manganese tasting, where we, of course, saw James May

from Top Gear

sadly pass away.

That was an incredible thing to witness, wasn't it?

I've never seen a man burst.

Yeah.

Turns out he doesn't have full stomachs.

That was the problem.

Wonderful.

Sobering.

And could you tell from his anus before it was about to happen?

We've got a bit of history, May and I.

And

he replaced his anus quite a few years ago with the sprocket from a Royal Enfield.

Okay.

It just didn't maintain it quite enough to last the journey.

Yeah.

And do you think that had any part to play in the manganese explosion that we all saw earlier?

I think that was, yeah, I think that was the absolute root of the cause.

Mark just gothing, everyone!

Right, back to the bookballs.

I'm really sorry, I'm sorry to interrupt again, but I've got to say, first of all, I didn't appreciate your previous guests' views on zinc.

Right.

And secondly, I just implore you to bring back Dr.

George Hereford and his talk.

And I think the audience agrees with me, right?

Zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc, zinc.

It's tingled zinc with Jonathan Tomzano.

I mean, Dr.

George Hereford and Zinzy.

In association with Hyundai.

Thank you, everyone, for your continued interest in zinc.

Oh,

Bob?

Is that you?

George.

Hang on.

Doctor George, you know Bob?

Back in my younger, reckless days, when I felt that I was invincible, I'd been caught by a speed camera driving my Hyundai i-10

at 34 miles per hour in a 30 mile per hour zone.

And as such, I had to attend a speed speed awareness course.

The first thing that happened was that we were put into pairs and I was paired with Bob.

I had to hold onto a watermelon while Bob had to smash it with a baseball bat.

This was supposed to represent what happens to a human head when you drive into it at 34 miles per hour in a Hyundai i-10.

To represent what happens at 60 miles per hour, we each put a gamon joint into a cannon and fired it into a wood chipper.

We broke for lunch, and as I picked bits of gammon out of his already cow shit-flecked hair,

our eyes met.

I don't know what came over me, but I felt more reckless than I ever had done before.

More reckless than when I drove past that speed camera at 34 miles per hour.

And I suggested that maybe during the lunch break I could shampoo his hair.

So when everyone else went out to buy a Tesco meal deal,

we stayed behind at the Speed Awareness Centre.

Well,

it's fair to say that we got carried away.

And when the rest of the course members returned to the centre, we were both stripped to our underwear, listening to Enya

and massaging a hot orangina into each other's thighs.

For this we both got three points on our license, but it was worth it.

Sexually, he went like a train.

I gave him the right signals and off he went.

At the end of the course, which finished with us detonating 300 kilograms of TNT inside a greenhouse full of ham hocks to simulate what hitting a deer at 100 miles an hour would be like,

I turned to ask for Bob's phone number, but as quickly as that ham had turned to delicious steam,

he was gone

Georgia.

Sorry.

No,

don't apologize.

I moved on.

I married and had my wonderful daughter, Zinxi.

Oh

Zinxi.

Hi

Zinxie

Hang on, Zinxie, you know Bob

Zinxie and Zinxi and Zinxi Zinksy and Zinksy and oh Zinksy Hango Zinxi

Zinksy

Zinksy Zinksy Zinksy

Zinxi!

Xinksi!

Zinksi!

Zinxi!

Zinksi!

Zinksi!

Zinksi!

Zinksi!

Zinksi!

Zinksi!

Zinksi!

Zinksi!

Zinksy!

Zinksi!

Ah!

Zinksi.

Sorry, uh, Dr.

George, what was that last thing she said?

I think it was sexually he went like a train.

By which I mean under a Labour government, I thought things might be different, but now I'm not sure.

Right, enough of this.

We've got a book launch to get on with.

Before we do that, let's just check in to see where Franzen is.

So it looks like he's got King's Cross.

Oh, God, we need to hurry up.

We need to get this book launched.

Okay, okay, let's have the final reading.

Okay.

So this bit is from the first air filming of my movie, Wolverine vs.

Lego Alien 4.

Okay, take it away.

It was 7.30 a.m.

and I was in my mega trailer, reclining on my L-shaped sofa.

Lower case L.

But it was.

It was.

But it was still a hell of a sofa.

It was a straight oblong made completely out of Lego.

I tried to get comfortable and plump the Lego cushions.

Ow, it really hurt.

Why the heck wasn't I in a better mood?

I had everything I'd ever dreamed of.

I was finally richer than Prince Edward's children.

I'd just spent a quarter of a million big ones on a real-time live self-portrait.

Maybe Sheila Berth was right.

Maybe it was just a mirror.

But it wasn't that.

Something else was making me feel uneasy.

I heard a voice whisper in my ear, You're a handsome fellow.

That was Dr.

Samuel Grubenheimer, legendary Hollywood therapist.

He'd recently developed a radical technique called ego massage therapy.

Rather than treat your narcissism, he just feeds it with constant compliments.

I bet you're quite good at ping-pong.

Nice.

But a firecracker was about to go off under my ass.

The firecracker's name?

Kathleen Wetherspoons.

And my ass's name?

My ass doesn't have a name.

Okay, I do sometimes call my ass Osvaldo skelton.

Kathleen Wetherspoons burst in.

Banyan, get off your Osvaldo skeleton.

We need to talk.

Chill out.

Take a seat on my sofa.

Thanks.

Ow!

We've got a problem.

It's Chalamay.

Chalamay?

You're better looking than Chalamet.

Thank you very much.

We're right in the middle of a Chalamay shit show, and we've got front-row seats.

Don't tell me he's walked.

He hasn't walked.

Thank God for that.

You can't walk when you're dead.

You probably could.

Worth every penny.

I went into his trailer and he was halfway through his usual breakfast rider, a biscuit cathedral.

Which one did he go for today?

Jaffa Cake St.

Paul's.

But he never even got as far as the nave, let alone the transepts.

God damn it, how did he die?

I don't know, but I found a nine-inch steel gun sticking out of the back of his head.

That's the same thing that happened to the man with the caramel hand.

You have the soft hands of a pre-sausagey Prince Charles.

I can't think straight.

I'm too hungry.

Where the fuck is my personal assistant, Christopher Nolan?

Nolan?

Hello, sir.

Get me some freaking breakfast, or I'll shit down your neck.

Thank you, sir.

Who would want Chalomé dead?

Hey, guys, how is everybody?

Chalomé!

Do you want to join me in my trailer?

I'm about to eat a replica of the Sagrada Familia made of kinder buenos.

Chalome, you beautiful, soft, angular nymph.

We thought you were dead.

Here's a little secret about Chalome.

I can't die.

My flesh regenerates.

How is this possible?

I'm the first actor made entirely out of cultured meat.

Of course, when I booked him for the job, I had to specify how much Chalamé we wanted to employ.

We've been able to afford three tons of chalamé.

Or about 250,000 fluid ounces.

At the end of every production, you simply collect up any unused chalamay and send it back in special pouches.

He's the first refundable actor.

Exactly.

The unused chunks are then stirred back into the main Chalamay starter vat.

If I don't take, we just add a bit of egg yolk and stir it through.

It's brilliantly simple.

I'm basically a sexy omelette.

Okay, so Timothy Chalamet is very much alive.

But someone killed a man with the caramel hand and they tried to kill Chalamet in the same way.

Seems like someone

doesn't want this film to get off the ground, but who?

Hmm, do you have any enemies?

For example, a secretive cabal that would have the funding and reach to be able to kill on foreign soil?

A group famous for their harsh punishments, for example, stitching a cow's face onto someone's face?

I was starting to put two and two together, but just at that moment, the door of my chemical toilet flew off its hinges.

Eat shit, dickheads!

TV naturalist Chris Packham!

What the semi-aquatic fuck are you doing here?

I'm here to avenge the death of 40 terrapins at Semi-Aquatic World.

I'm going to tear you a new Osvaldo skeleton.

It's not weird that you named Joanus.

Thanks very much.

Timothy Chalamay, kill Chris Packham.

With pleasure.

I pulled the machine gun out of my mini fridge and tossed it to Chalamet, who started strafing Packham.

Enjoy these perfectly chilled machine gun bullets, Packham!

Chalamet filled him with bullets, but Packham's flesh kept reforming.

You can't kill me!

I'm the first TV presenter made entirely out of cultured badger meat.

Then Packham pulled out his own machine gun and started strafing Chalamet.

It was a strafoff.

Until all that was left of them was a groaning, sentient meat puddle.

And then things started to get weird.

Dr.

Grubenheimer pulled his own head off, revealing

revealing a smaller head underneath.

Ha!

I'm not Dr.

Grubenheimer and never was.

What the?

I'm Dr.

Serbius Monzo, inventor of the Monzo card.

Of course!

You think you can max out a Monzo and not feel the long arms of Monzo vengeance?

You owe me $250,000!

Would you accept this real-time self-portrait device?

Oh, lovely, thanks.

Good luck with the film.

Bye.

That's not the exit.

That's the chemical toilet.

All chemical toilets in the world are connected.

That's how I get around.

That's why I have bloodshot eyes and stink of shit.

I was going to ask.

A calm descended on the trailer.

Kathleen Wesaboons put her feet up on the Lego poof.

Ow!

Well, thank God this is all sorted.

Yes, but where's my fucking breakfast?

Christopher Nolan better not have made it backwards or in a parallel universe or whatever stupid shit he always does.

Hello, sir.

I've got your breakfast.

Oh, lovely.

This has really got me advertised up all this.

Well, what is it?

A plate of beef stew.

Beef for breakfast?

That's a bit odd.

Nolan, what's on the menu for lunch today?

Beef stroganoff, beef remulard, beef l'orange.

And what's the vegetarian option?

Beef pie with beef.

And dessert?

Just beef.

Something smells smells wrong about this.

And I'm not just talking about the beef stew, which actually smells absolutely fantastic.

Weatherspoon, what's the name of the catering company on this shoot?

Um, I think it's Barry's Food Universe.

That's right, they promise a universe of food, and yet all they deliver is beef.

Hang on, Barry's Food Universe, B-F-U.

The Bovine Farmers Union!

That's right, and Christopher Nolin is an anagram of Bovine Farmers Union General Secretary, Barry Rundercrudge.

Is it?

You're gonna die before you find out.

Nolan pulled out the machine gun and massively killed Kathleen Wetherspoons with it.

Take that, Kathleen!

Yeah, I think you're meant to pull the trigger.

You fool, I fired the bullets in the past and they're now traveling into your future because of Matthew McConaughey manipulating a pocket watch on a different timeline.

It's the sort of tedious shit I'm really into.

The bullet will arrive at your heart any second now.

Ah!

Interstellar didn't make any sense!

He then aimed it at my head.

Time to die, Banion.

This is from the entire bovine farmers' union.

Things seemed to slow down.

I accepted my fate.

I was ready to die.

I'd squeezed every ounce of juice out of life.

I made it to the top of the poetry charts by selling literally over 20 copies of my poetry collections.

I've been on the London Eye twice.

Annoyingly, I did have a voucher for HM that I hadn't got around to spending, but no, life is perfect.

I prepared to take the bullets from Nolan's gun, which he was going to fire backwards, but they'd eventually end up hitting me in the future because of some bullshit to do with inception, I don't know, some sort of fucking bollocks.

Take that

at that moment,

a tottering wall wall of meat

rose up between us.

Chalam and Packham's liquefied meats had melded together and created a benevolent new being.

Shallaham.

And that's the end of the book.

Pretty shit book.

It is.

It's not great, is it?

No.

And that's your book launched and we did it without Franzen arriving.

Oh, what a massive relief!

That is.

That's absolutely a huge relief.

Yes.

Now,

let's just check on the tracker.

Let's see.

He's actually

travelling away from London.

He's going to...

Aylesbury.

Aylesbury.

Aylesbury.

Aylesbury.

Aylesbury.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your book with us, Michael.

Everyone, Michael Banyan.

Thank you very much.

Well, that sounds like the end of your podcast.

And when I say end, I mean the end.

Forever.

Oh, hello.

It's...

It's you.

Oh.

Hi.

I remember the smell of those gloves.

Yes.

Well.

I didn't think I'd ever see you again.

Barbara.

You know Bob.

I thought I had had it all.

I married into the Mitchells family.

I had the perfect marriage with truck stop.

I would get on with undermining the corporate power of his brothers and father while he would watch ice hockey in his man cave with his friend, Klunt.

But there was something missing from our relationship.

We were missing that spark.

That spark that, if I'm honest, he seemed to have more of with Klunt than me.

It was the 4th of July, Independence Day, named after the Will Smith movie of the same name.

We had a big family party at our ranch.

All the children were driving around on their quad bikes as truck stop lit fireworks and fired them out of Klunt's asshole.

I'd seen enough of Klunt's asshole for one lifetime, so I took some time for myself and walked across to the far side of our ranch where I came across someone else who wasn't in the mood to party.

It was the vet that truck stop had hired to euthanize the feral hogs that had been terrorizing our garden.

The light from the fireworks flashed in his eyes as he brought down the shovel on neck after Porson neck.

Are you married to that guy with the Catherine wheel stuck up his ass?

He said.

No, I said, that's Klunt.

I'm married to the guy just to his right who's about to light the Catherine wheel.

Huh.

He said.

What's a sophisticated woman like you doing married to a man like that?

He poured hot orangina from a flask and put it to my lips before bringing down another shovel on another hog's neck like a ham pinata.

Over 30 feral hogs lay dying at our feet.

But me,

I'd never felt so alive.

Sexually, he went like a train.

In that, where I'm from, in the States, we can really only do that in the more liberal coastal cities.

It was just one night, and I didn't even know his name, but now I know

it's Bob.

Right.

Does this make any difference to you wanting to shut down the Beef and Dairy Network?

Oh, not at all.

When this episode ends, your podcast ends.

Oh.

Annalise!

So, I've looked at everything and she is right.

Her case is as watertight as the many dikes that protect my parents' tulip fields from flooding.

If she is indeed the only known parent of the child Gonzalez Bojangles,

she can vote on his behalf.

Damn!

Hang on a moment.

Barbara, show me a picture of the child.

Why?

Just show us, Barbara.

Okay.

We see an image of of a baby with the facial features of the mustachioed actor Mike Wozniak.

Farbara!

Bob is very clearly the father of that baby.

You're right!

And the law says that if the child has both parents, they must both agree for the child's vote to be valid.

So Bob, will you let your child, Gonzalez Bojangles, vote to close down the Beef and Dairy Network?

Please, Bob, I'll give you anything.

Money?

I've got money.

You want Glando?

I can get you free Glando for life.

Or maybe...

Do you want to meet Melania Trump?

I can make that happen.

No?

What about my new podcast?

It could be me and you, Barbara and Bob's beef bulletin with Barbara and Bob.

What do you say?

Barbara.

No?

Well,

do you want me?

You can have me, Bob.

To be honest, I think Truckstop is probably having an affair with Clunt.

Barbara, I'll stop you there.

You're demeaning yourself.

Listen, while you do seem totally batched,

I do fancy Melania Trump.

So, yeah, why not?

I'll vote with you.

Shut down the Beef and Dairy Network.

Bob, fuck it.

Excellent!

The Beef and Dairy Network is dead.

Long live Barbara's beef bulletin with Barbara.

I'm gonna be richer than Peter Crouch, who I'm led to believe is a soccer player doing well out of podcasting.

And you and your Dutch lawyer can live in obscurity like George Osborne and Ed Bald, whose podcast isn't cutting through like they would have hoped in the face of tough competition from Alastair Campbell and Rory Stewart.

Absolutely no idea what that means.

Um, um, excuse me.

What is it, nerd?

Well, I couldn't help but overhear, and, um, well, your obvious megalomania, lust for power, psychopathic tendencies.

Well, these are these are all classic symptoms of zinc deficiency.

What?

Really?

Yeah, well, I imagine you're also experiencing fragrant belches that smell like a banana vape.

Well, yes, actually.

And constant cravings to eat soil?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Thunderous flatulence.

Zeus would be envious.

This is this is textbook stuff.

Zinxi, get the scan ready.

Zinxi!

Right.

Zinxi will now scan your body and detect how much zinc you have.

Whoa!

Oh my, that's the lowest reading I've ever seen.

You have 0% zinc in your entire body.

And that's a problem?

Because you know what else I don't have in my body?

Any fucks to give, you zinc-obsessed freak.

Bit personal.

Well, it.

It is a problem, actually, because without a huge zinc transfusion in the next few minutes,

you'll die.

Yes!

Please, will one of you help me, please?

Zixie!

Zixie!

Zixie!

What is the zinc monster saying?

Translate the foul words from its beak!

She's saying that her heart is made of two things: pure zinc and kindness.

Zixie!

And that she would like to give you the zinc in her heart to save your life.

You would do that for me?

Zixie!

Oh!

Oh!

I already feel so different.

I'm so sorry!

I don't know why I tried to destroy your podcast!

And

George, Dr.

George, I'm sorry for calling you a freak.

And Annalise, I'm sure you'd be a great lawyer if you practiced in the Netherlands.

And now I see that Clunt is not a threat to my marriage.

He's just a good and loyal friend to truck stop

and me.

Oh my I need to call Clunt, sweet adorable Clunt

Thank you, Zinxi.

You've saved the day.

Zinxi!

Zinxi!

What is she saying?

She's...

She's saying that she's now depleted all the zinc in her heart.

And as such...

No!

Zinxi!

What is it?

Zinxi.

She will now

die.

We see Zinxi die.

So that's all we've got time for this month.

But for more beef and dairy news, get over to the website today.

My metal daughter is dead.

Get over to the website today where you'll find all the usual stuff.

You're not even going to mention it.

As well as our off-topic section.

Live!

Where this week, Irish singing star Enya shows us how to do a wheelie.

May goddamn all our souls!

So, until next time,

beef answers!

Thanks to Tom Crowley, Gemma Arrowsmith, Lucy Farrett, Mike Kozniak, Henry Packer, and on stage in London all the way from New York City, Linnaeus Age.

Also, thanks to Greg Johnson for doing all the visuals for that show.

Obviously, you couldn't see them on this podcast version, but he did a really good job.

And it is possible to still pay for a streaming ticket to watch that show.

If you'd like to, I'll put a link in the show notes.

Bye.

Jackie Cation.

Hi, and welcome to the maximumfun.org podcast, the Jackie and Lori Show, where we talk about stand-up comedy and how much we love it and how much it enrages us.

We have a lot of experience and a lot of stories and a lot of time on our hands.

So check us out.

It's one hour a week and we drop it every Wednesday on maximumfun.org.

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