Bonus Bang: Adam Scott, James Adomian (Hot 4 Scott)

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Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from Behind the Paywall.

And this week we are kicking off a new series.

That's right.

This series, Drumroll, please.

Did anyone order the drum roll?

No.

Okay, we didn't get a drummer.

Okay, well, it's just me then.

This is a new series called Hot for Scott.

Hot for Scott.

And this features our good buddy, Adam Scott.

That's right.

You know him as the Emmy nominee for the Apple TV Plus series Severance.

He's also my co-host on the You Talking YouTube to Me series, as well as various other shows that we do.

And

this is exciting.

We're going to spend the next four weeks listening to old episodes where Adam dropped by the show.

And this week, we are reaching so deep into the archives.

Put your ass to sleep.

This is an episode when we used to be called Comedy Death Ray Radio in the first couple of years.

And it's one of Adam's earliest appearances on the show.

This episode is titled A Worthy Uh.

And it was originally released, if you can believe it, March 28th, 2011 as episode 98.

The episode also features James Zidomian as actor Alan Rickman.

We also play some games.

Now, if you enjoyed this episode and you want to hear other fantastic episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

We have all of the previous episodes from the archives, every live show.

They're all ad-free.

We have ad-free new episodes, and we also have original shows like CBB Presents Scott Hasn't Seen.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

It's a common problem.

It's Comedy Death Ray Radio.

That doesn't make sense.

Uh, hey, it's Hot Saucerman, and this is Comedy Death Ray Radio for another week.

And

the guest is already having problems with his headphones.

And that is the sound of America sighing along with you.

What is this show, they ask?

Well, it's Comedy Death Ray Radio.

I, of course, am Hot Saucerman, and

this is a show where we have America's finest comedy minds,

and our next guest is also here.

And

that's a little, that's classic slam structure.

Let me explain who's here and what the show is going to be doing today.

I have

from many different projects.

I have Adam Scott here all hour, and we are going to really get into his psyche.

So let me introduce him from Parks and Recreation, from Party Down, from film, from television, perhaps the stage.

Maybe.

In the future, in the past.

In the past?

Maybe in the future.

Hey.

Certainly not in the present.

We're going to get into it, Scott.

I promise you.

It's Adam Scott who's here.

Welcome, Adam.

Hi, Scott.

Remember last time you were here, you debuted a new character?

Yeah.

He had a catchphrase.

Yeah.

It was, do you remember?

Hey, guys.

No.

Was that the one?

No, it was not.

God,

you got to do a little character work before you come in here.

It's High Bros.

Hey, Bros.

Right, there he is.

What was his name?

Was it Jerry?

Jerry, I think with a G, though.

Oh, okay, right, right.

Jerry.

Yeah.

What is he?

He's in Jerry Rafferty.

Yes.

Now,

and Jerry and the Pacemakers.

Am I shouting?

Does it sound like I'm shouting?

Does it sound like I'm shouting?

No, I feel.

My chest feels like I'm shouting my,

but it doesn't sound like I'm shouting in my headphones.

uh do you need your headphones louder do you need them softer but does it sound like I'm shouting to you no I mean we are sitting across the table from each other

does it

I'm trying to add a little energy to the presentation does it feel like I have energy it does I guess that's all we need for a good podcast yeah

so start at the beginning

does it sound like I'm shouting

no not the beginning of the program sorry okay the beginning of your life where were you born

on what day, what year?

What city?

Let's break it down.

Okay, I was born in

Portland, Oregon.

Home to a lot of artists, a lot of artistic families.

No, I was born in Santa Cruz, California.

Also home to a lot of artists, a lot of artistic families.

That seems like a weird lie.

It was a mislead.

It wasn't a lie.

Just a little bit north.

I just wanted to see if there was a spike in Portland Googling for the the split second that I let it lie.

Horrible.

Portland Googling.

I love that Jarity Rafferty song.

Portland Googling.

I love that one sketch on Portlandia where it's about Portland Googling.

So you were born in Santa Cruz.

A lot of woods there.

An old wooden roller coaster, as I recall.

You ever take a little

drive around in that roller coaster?

I don't think they call it that.

I don't think that is what it's referred to at all.

When you ride the roller coaster, you go and buy a ticket and say, I'd like to drive this thing around.

I would like to take a drive around.

Two tickets, please.

What the fuck is that?

I've been on the Giant Dipper many, many times, but I haven't been in several years.

Would you like to take a ride?

I would love to take a drive around a trip with you.

First, do a drive around up the coast, up PCH.

Do you think we could do it as

a comedy death rate episode, a video episode, you and I?

I love love it.

Just a long, uninterrupted eight-hour take.

Take an eight-hour.

Because that's, if we leave right now, in

seven hours, we could be riding the giant dip.

Uh-huh.

I would, let's do it.

But what if we get there and it's closed because it's raining?

Then

the episode continues with you and I going to my mom's.

Even better.

We'll do a drive around there.

And sharing the loft in the back of her house.

I thought you were going to say something different when you said sharing.

What did you sharing?

Sharing.

Close.

Sharing.

We share love making.

I wonder, do they close it when it rains because the wood expands?

Jesus Christ, Scott, I have no idea.

I would imagine that they close it when it rains because it's unpleasant to ride a roller coaster when it's raining.

To drive around.

Yeah, when you drive around,

do the old drive around on the giant dipper.

We We got to find some of this information out.

We got to do some Santa Cruz googling.

They do close the entire boardwalk when it's raining.

I used to work at the boardwalk.

Where did you used to work?

Didn't we cover this once?

Didn't we?

I feel like we did.

I worked in the taffy shop.

I made taffy there.

Laffy Taffy.

Right.

What the f- What is Laffy Taffy?

You haven't heard that song?

No.

Can we bring that up, Engineer Doug?

This is going to be great.

You are going

to

hold on to your asshole.

Okay.

Because this song is amazing, and it'll just take you back.

How old were you when you...

I was a taffy maker from 12 to about 15 years old.

They let you have a job when you're 12 years old.

And you know what they paid me?

They paid me below minimum wage.

Well, of course, you're below the age where you should be working.

What the f?

Like, seriously?

They did.

I got like a buck 75 an hour.

Oh, my God.

And what was minimum wage at the time?

This is this.

It was a buck 78 an hour.

I would imagine.

It was 1985-ish.

When did I?

Yeah, 87.

I started.

Okay.

All right, here we go.

Get ready to

put yourself in 19.

It's 1987.

Hip-hop was new, but

this will bring you right back.

You'll see it.

License to Ill was really hitting.

It had been out for about a year, and it finally made its way to Santa Cruz.

Finally.

All the jock assholes were playing it.

How long does it take for music to get to Santa Cruz?

It takes a year.

Really?

It doesn't take the seven hours to do it.

Do you know the Lady Gaga song Born This Way?

Uh-huh.

It's going to hit next February in Santa Cruz.

Even with the internet, it still takes a while.

Wow.

All right.

So here we go.

Laffy Taffy.

Just imagine yourself as a 12-year-old boy.

Getting my bike stolen.

Here we go.

I got my bike stolen, man.

Okay, here we are.

Pretty good so far, huh?

I wish I could

make taffy for you right now.

Because this is actually great music to make taffy.

It really is.

Now, imagine.

Imagine

what if this was the song that was at your taffy dispensary

and it just played on a loop all day.

It would have been a lot more fun.

Really?

What kind of music did they play while you were there?

Like Kearney music?

No, it was, well, we were next to the arcade, so we would hear Carney music, but the music they actually piped in was like 50s,

you know, doo-wop.

Like,

you know, like...

Like Sean Ana.

I know one person who'd be really excited by that.

Someone that would be really interested in Sean Ana.

You had like a real Sean Ana person on the show, like someone that actually knows the band.

Well, I mean, I wouldn't say, yeah, he knows the band.

I wouldn't say he's a Sean Ana person.

I mean, we haven't heard how his audition went, though.

He may be in Sean Arnaut right now.

I mean, that would be...

You know what?

I have a feeling he's not in Sean Ana.

I don't think he was on the right track.

I worry for his safety.

I feel like anyone that's auditioned for Sean Arnaut over seven times, they're just not getting it.

So you're 12 years old.

Yeah.

Your bike is stolen.

You're making $1.75 an hour.

How do you buy a new bike?

Well, here's the thing, Scott.

The original bike I got was purchased for me by my father as kind of a congratulations on getting a job.

You know what?

I feel like I was older.

I feel like I was 14 when I got a job.

Okay, that probably makes more sense.

Yeah.

12 is a little young to be down risking your arms getting torn off in the taffy machine.

But immediately, it was like immediately my bike got stolen.

And

I didn't have the type of family that would teach me a lesson about

getting my bike stolen by just immediately replacing it.

So I had to go without a bike for a while.

Happened to me, too.

I remember I bought some sort of

Schwinn, I remember,

or maybe it was a Huffy.

I had a Huffy at one point.

As a little kid, I had a Huffy.

And I tricked it out, and I went down to the bike shop and got like, you know, amazing handlebars and these red grips for the handlebars.

I don't know what the term is.

I haven't ridden a bike in.

Grips is fine.

I barely know what a grip does on a film set.

Right.

But,

and, uh, and I painted it, uh, I remember yellow and red, and it just looked like an amazing sports bike.

And, you know, back in the, back in the 80s, you just kind of left it around and you didn't lock it up or anything.

And the guy who lived in the house behind me stole it and told everyone he stole it.

But really, yeah, but by the time we tried to investigate, like, he sold it for parts and scrap and all that.

Fucked.

Yeah.

So did you.

That was a weird thing about being a kid, too, is that something like that would happen.

And then, and then, like, two weeks later, you'd be friends with that kid.

Oh, no, I was never friends with that kid ever again.

But yeah, I know what you mean.

Then I guess I was a huge pussy because whoever picked on me, like, a week later, I'd be like, I really like you.

Hey, bros.

That's it.

Jerry just walked in for a second.

Yeah.

What a time, though.

I mean, riding around on your bike, going to see dollar movies.

The cool thing at

the Boardwalk was

everybody that worked at the at the at the candy store the all the taffy makers there was a there was a little satellite mourini's um

wait wait what is marini's mourini's is the name of the candy store i'm sorry so there's the main hub at the at the foot of the boardwalk at the arcade where we make the candy and then at the other end of the boardwalk marini's satellites little satellite shop where we would have to bring candy all the way down the boardwalk so every kid that worked at mourini's had

access to a golf cart that we would load up with candy and drive down to the other end of the boardwalk.

That seems less safe than sticking your arm in the thing.

I was 14 and they'd be like, okay, here are the keys.

Just bring this 50-pound bag of taffy down to the other end.

And then I could just do whatever I wanted.

That was kind of awesome.

No real follow-up.

There must have been girls who worked at Mourini's or on the boardwalk.

They were.

All the hot girls from my high school from Harbor High worked there.

But I was a chubby kid, so it wasn't really in the cards for me.

Now, that doesn't seem possible, you being chubby.

You've always been rail thin as long as I've known you.

Thanks.

I mean, when I say rail thin, I mean

actor thin.

Right, right.

You know, like you have a, you have a you mean,

you mean deathbed thin.

It's hard to say.

I mean,

sometimes people take thin as

not as a compliment, but I mean, as an actor, one wants to be thinned.

Sure.

Well, at the time, you know, you know, the awkward stage that kids go through, you know, post-junior high.

Never had it.

Yeah.

Well, most of us go through an awkward stage right after junior high school.

So.

So they they didn't give you a second one?

No, not really, but you know, um, that's all right.

Who was your who was your big crush when you were that age?

Um

And would she know about it?

And are you Facebook friends with her right now?

No.

And does your wife know about it?

No.

No.

God.

I wonder if she still exists.

That's a really good question.

Still existing is tough when you get to be our age.

Yeah.

I mean, there are a lot of people that don't exist anymore, which is weird.

Isn't that strange when you go back to her?

Did you go back to your reunion?

I went to the tenure.

I haven't had the 20.

yet.

Oh, you achieved 10-year-olds?

Yeah.

I achieved tenure at the 10-year.

I went to my 20 and 10.

You did?

Yeah.

What was the 20 like?

The 20 was weird.

It was on the Queen Mary.

Well, there you go.

That's weird.

And it was strange because they had a slideshow.

of all of us in high school and then they had some slides from the 10-year.

And then they had slides from the 15-year.

That you weren't invited to?

That only a select few people were invited to and they bust him out like hey look how much fun we had in vegas at the 15 year whoa

to all of us poor schmucks and then um so was were the people that got invited to the 15 year were they like the popular assholes from

they were i mean i wouldn't call them assholes because i like everyone yeah but uh but it was a click that you were never a part of i guess not yeah

what was funny about it though is uh my my friend i think i believe i've talked to him or about him on the show but my friend was the, or is the drummer in No Doubt, and we went to high school together the same year.

Right.

But

I think he was invited to it.

Sure.

And then

he, you think that he would be coming to the 20-year reunion like, you know,

on a big high or whatever, you know, like, hey, like, like, hey, I'm untouchable.

I'm the one.

He set up the whole AV system for the 20-year reunion.

Seriously?

That was his job.

Yeah.

It was really funny.

I was like, wow, what are you doing?

He's like, oh, I got to set up the slideshow.

Wow.

Can't you get people to do that?

Doesn't he have like a whole AV team just constantly working for him at this point?

Well, he probably did a great job.

He did a great job, but he was one of those people who was invited to the 15, whereas I was not.

Did it look like they had a good time at the 15?

I guess.

I don't know.

I will tell you.

I doubt anyone from high school listens to the show.

And if you do, I apologize.

But there is a vast difference between the 10 and the 20.

Oh, I would imagine.

Where, like, the 10, everyone still looked good.

Yeah.

And people were hooking up.

Yeah.

And the 20, like, everyone's a monster.

Yeah.

You know, everyone's turned into giant beasts.

Yeah.

And the fact that you and I work in Hollywood, we're like sort of still,

we still kind of have to keep looking the way we did.

Like we arrive in cool jackets.

Yeah.

And man, the women,

and

I don't mean to say that all of them, but girls that at the 10, I was like, wow, she's looking good.

Right.

Yeah, it was, it was.

Well, I do.

One thing about my 10-year reunion is that the venue had to change at the last minute because it was going to be so sparsely attended

that they had to move it from the

Elks Lodge to a public park.

Because there were only like 12 people that were.

No, and why is that?

You're in Santa Cruz.

are there just not a lot of people there?

Yeah, I guess just people didn't give a shit.

And so it was, it was, it was, for a 10-year, I think it was a little depressing.

Huh.

Did you hook up with anyone in the 10-year?

No, no, I was, I was spoken for at the time.

At the time.

But also, you know, it's kind of like with your family.

When you, when you, you know, get with those same people, you're, you, you kind of revert back to whatever social position you were in at the time.

And so it wasn't really totally in the cards, even if I anything weird happen in the in the reunion any like strange stories or usually someone embarrasses them fights started with a couple of dudes they got really fucked up and started a fight like guys that were buddies like at at the like after party at someone's house they both took their shirts off and started fighting I was like wow I got to get out of Santa Cruz I guess how long were you there that trip a couple days no I guess that was enough and your mom still lives there with the loft my mom yeah my whole family is there.

It's a lovely place.

Have you ever been there?

I went once.

I went to UC Santa Cruz because of the...

You went there like for school?

No, no, no.

My good friend went there for a year or two, so I went up to the camera.

Were you going to say my good friend Walter Goggins?

I was, as a matter of fact.

That's so weird.

No, I saw an interesting Shakespeare production in the woods.

Yeah, sure.

It's Shakespeare Santa Cruz.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a well-known institution, Scott.

You're not the only one that's been to the Shakespeare Santa Cruz.

Okay, this just got weird

Claiming it is your own.

I apologize for whatever I did.

I'm not sure what I was just trying to connect with you on a Santa Cruz level a lot of people have been to Santa Cruz

All right, tell you what we've stopped at 12 to 16.

Okay, we're gonna break down the rest of your life.

We're gonna get into parks and recreation just picked up for a fourth season third season.

We're gonna sure you don't have to let me know which you can just sit there silently Let's take a break, and we'll be right back with a little comedy death rate radio.

This is Hot Sausserman with Adam Scott.

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I mean, this is pretty similar, actually.

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We're here with Adam Scott.

And, okay, we left off when you were 16.

Yeah.

Flash forward to today.

What are you up to after the show?

Wow, are we going to, we're skipping like 20 years.

I'm not really interested in all that bullshit.

So what's going on today?

What do you got?

Well, I'm.

Actually, I have to thank you for coming up.

Pushing our time up today for the show.

Oh, Oh, that's right.

We were going to be doing it about an hour and a half from now, but you called and said, hey, I got to do this super early in the morning.

Yeah, I really are.

I have this kind of a, it's not that big of a deal, but kind of a big meeting today.

So I had this

push it to the morning.

That's awesome.

So what are you up to tonight

after the meeting?

Or wait, do you want to talk about the meeting?

I don't know.

I mean, it's kind of a.

I probably shouldn't talk about it.

It's not a big deal, but I have a just this meeting.

I'm going to hit up right after this.

I've got to run up to BH at Beverly Hills.

BH, is that what you call it?

Well,

if you're in a rush,

it's just BH, so it's not a big deal.

Sounds pretty amazing.

It sounds like a great meeting, and I wish you well and all of your.

Yeah, it is.

It's kind of a big meeting.

I mean, it's like

with a few guys.

It sounds big, just from the way that you are talking about it.

It sounds important to you, and I hope it goes well for you, and I hope that you are successful in all of your endeavors.

I mean, the three guys that I'm meeting with are all

kind of big figures in entertainment.

I mean, I probably shouldn't talk about it.

I understand that totally.

A lot of people don't like to talk about me.

I'm not sure Spielberg and David Geffen and

what's his name?

Fucking Jeffrey Katzenberg.

So we're like thinking about.

Oh.

Yeah, we're thinking about starting, just starting something up, like getting, just putting our heads together and starting up a new company.

Starting a new company.

Starting up a new company?

Maybe.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I probably shouldn't talk about it.

I remember when DreamWorks came out, it was DreamWorks S

KG.

It doesn't have anything to do with that.

So this would be SK.

Totally separate.

SKG.

No, it doesn't have anything to do with that, Scott.

It's a different, it's a different thing.

Wait, it doesn't have to do with entertainment?

No, it doesn't have to do with that other thing they did.

The DreamWorks.

I don't even know what that is.

It's just a new thing that we're...

I don't know.

We're just going to get into a room and kind of jazz, you know, like jazz, just throw ideas out there and let them all kind of meld together and see what we come up with.

Well, it seems like you four are all in the entertainment industry.

It seems like the ideas would focus on.

Maybe, maybe, you know, I don't know.

It's, you know, to walk in with preconceptions to a meeting like that with, you know,

three

big minds,

it makes,

I don't know.

I just don't want to go in there with any sort of idea of what it's going to be because I could really fuck it up.

Excuse my language.

I understand that.

Don't use that kind of language in the meeting.

Yeah.

No, I'm not going to.

But you know what?

Those guys, they're so like,

they're so kind of free, and that's how they come up with those kinds of ideas.

So if they say the F word, then I'm going to throw one into it.

I don't know.

See, again, I don't want to walk in there with any sort of...

But you are planning on, if they say the F word, to say it right back to them.

Yeah, I mean, why not?

I totally would.

So

15 years ago or whenever, they just kind of freeform jazzed and they came up with, hey, let's start a studio together.

I don't know.

It's nothing to do with that.

That's so amazing.

I don't know anything.

I didn't even know that Geffen

was even talking to those two, let alone Katzenberg, seems like.

We were all talking together in, like, you know,

70 minutes, so it's not a big deal.

Wow.

All right.

Well, anyway, I don't want to talk about it anymore.

I probably shouldn't have brought it up anyway.

I look forward to seeing what you guys come up with.

Or you probably shouldn't have asked me about it, but

I'm sorry.

I was trying to stay away from.

Okay, well, that sounds great.

Well, let's all say our prayers for Adam and make sure that, I mean, I guess when you're as successful as Adam Scott, you don't need prayers said about you.

What do you think about prayers, people praying for you?

I mean, you know what?

I'll take any positive energy I can get out there, but you know, I don't, I don't, you know what it is?

I don't align myself with any particular religion or spirit.

I'm more spiritual than religious.

Do you know what I mean?

I've always thought that about you.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's because that's who I am and kind of what I project when I'm out there, kind of just walking through the world.

Uh-huh.

So if people see you.

So if people see you out in the world, then one would get that sense about you that you're...

I don't know, Scott.

I don't walk out into the world

planning on what I'm going to project.

It doesn't make any...

Alright, well.

Well, well, well.

Wait,

we're in the middle of a show, sir.

I'm afraid the show is going to have to come to a stop for a moment.

Wow.

Do you see what I'm seeing?

Of course,

shut up.

You've got a Glock in your face, Scott Ockerman.

I am.

Hello.

I don't even know what to say.

I don't know whether I should be talking.

I have a Glock in my face.

Can I talk into the microphone now?

As long as you kneel before me.

Oh, my.

Maybe you should put the Glock down.

Yeah, can I.

Listen, Mr.

Scott.

Wait, who are you talking to?

Me or Adam?

I address people by the last names if I was talking to you, you, Mr.

Rockman, and we'll call you Mr.

Rockerman.

Okay, I'm glad we have that cleared.

And you just...

I want you both on your knees.

For the listener, you move the Glock over to Adam.

I have to say, I'm...

But now there's another Glock.

Oh, he pulled out two Glocks, guys.

Two Glocks.

One of them roller-proof and one of them not.

You know, you're crossing your arms, pointing

the Glock in your left hand at Adam and the one in your right hand.

Just like the scarecrow in Wizard of Oz.

I think it would be easier if you were to uncross your arms and point the opposite Glock at the opposite person.

You think I'm stupid?

You think I'm a moron?

I know it's easier to knock one out of my hands if I'm in the process of untwisting them.

I have to say, I think that's a great way of doing it.

Well, I rest them here while I lean into the microphone.

It's easiest this way.

Let me just explain what's happening to the listener.

We have an open-door policy here at CDI Radio.

Worm, explain it to them right now.

And I will kneel in one second, but

apparently this is backfired and we are in some sort of hostage situation.

That's right.

Alan Rickman just walked into the studio.

I'm Alan Rickman.

And he's...

Well, I'm taking comedy tossed.

Alan Rickman walks into the studio with two machine guns and is pointing them at us.

Sir Alan Rickman, I believe.

They're not machine guns moron.

They're automatic pistols.

Yeah, they're glass.

We got to do some Santa Cruz googling.

Yeah.

Were you knighted, sir?

I believe you.

I was knighted, but I turned it down.

I chose to become the sheriff of Nottingham.

Oh, my God.

I'm literally the sheriff of Nottingham.

Okay, so Alan Rickman seems to be confused now where he thinks he's the sheriff of Nottingham.

From a movie from 1991.

It might be confusing to someone like you, Mr.

Rockerman.

But I'm afraid that I'm here for a reason, and you play a very important part.

As do do you, Mr.

Scott.

Really?

Of course you do.

Now, Mr.

Rickman, uh,

you're the Sheriff of Nottingham, I'm sorry, but you're holding guns that you carried in die-hard.

Well, I'm not tied to the period of the 1100s.

The Sheriff of Nottingham is a continuous office that people have to fulfill.

Oh, I see.

You are Alan Rickman.

I'm literally the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Okay, so you're Alan Rickman, who has become the Sheriff of Nottingham.

I'm out of my jurisdiction, of course.

Well, what did we do to to you sir that that that has made you come over here and to point guns at us well I'm afraid you're a bit of a bystander and you happen to be in the wrong place at just the right time

you see

are you familiar with the Metro Red Line the subway car running underneath Hollywood sure yeah that it was uh uh

well neither has the Los Angeles Police Department Oh, no,

and that's how I plan to escape after I've pulled off my master plan here today.

Just like Dennis Hopper and Speed?

Just look just

which was sort of prescient because that movie came out before the red line was completed.

Yeah, there was no subway when that movie came out, yeah.

But now it looks like, wow, it was like they were telling the future.

Yeah, oh, yes, but it's

perfectly in operation, and it runs right underneath your studio here.

Uh-huh.

And don't think I'm not going to leave without what I came for.

I'm really confused about what you came for.

You want us to kneel?

Is that all you wanted to do?

I wanted you to kneel

before me.

Well, we haven't done that yet, should we?

Yes, kneel before me.

Alright, I mean, I don't mind.

I'm a huge fan.

Okay, let me take the mic down.

There we go.

Well, that's more like it.

You see, I feel like a proper gay villain

as the sheriff of Nottingham.

The first rule is you always have the heroes kneel.

You specialize in playing gay villains.

Yes, you might say so.

You've played it in Harry Potter, where you play

the gay teacher who becomes a gay villain.

Yes, the gay wizard.

The gay wizard.

I'm a gay wizard.

I'm a gay huntsman in the Lincoln Forest.

Sherwood Forest.

Next to Lincoln Forest, Lincoln Green.

Okay.

Were you...

Did you play the Sheriff of Nottingham gang?

Yes, I played the Sheriff of Nottingham gang.

Okay.

And I only wanted to marry Maid Marion

out of spite.

Ah, I remember that.

I remember you wanted to cancel Christmas, too.

And I will for

just I want to cancel Christmas, and I will force your wives to marry me, both of you.

Uh-huh.

But that's not my plan here today.

That's a little bit of a denouement.

You see, I'm here for Comedy Death Rays Gold, Mr.

Ockerman.

Comedy, Death Rays, Gold?

That, I mean, I think you are mistaking the reviews of the show for something physical.

I'm not talking about a time-life collection of Comedy Death Ray clips.

No, of course not.

I just feel like you may have read that in a review that the show is so good that people think it's gold, and you think that I have gold.

I'm afraid you're not going to get out of it that easy.

Oh, you're right.

I've done my own research.

You were stupid enough to tweet that you had had gold, and I followed you here because I know where you're broadcast from.

Hand it over, Rockerman.

I've got my escape route planned, and I came here to get your gold, and I want it now.

Not only do you have your escape route planned, but you're telling everyone about your escape route.

Well, I started with you.

Well,

you're under the false impression that I have to get out of here with the gold.

What if I got all of Comedy Deathray's gold reserves and I didn't have to escape with them?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I understand.

Well, see, that's where the plan becomes impossible.

What if the idea wasn't to escape with it at all, but simply to get the film right?

And that's where you come in, Mr.

Scott.

Wait, who are you talking about?

Oh, wait, the last name.

Last!

No, this time I was talking to you, Scott.

Okay.

I was taught.

Switch it up and then.

It wasn't as formal, so I went with.

Okay, now that I've knelt before you, we've gotten to know each other.

Yes, I'm now sitting down, and you're kneeling before me, and he's kneeling, and we're on a first name, Mr.

Scott basis.

Okay.

So now you want the film rights in what way?

Well, that's where you

come in, Mr.

Adam.

Okay.

I want the film rights, and I know you're attending a meeting with Jeffrey Kartzenberg and David Governor.

This is not a film meeting, though.

This is just kind of a brainstorming sesh.

I want DreamWorks to film my takeover of the Metro Red Line.

Okay, well,

Mr.

Sheriff of Nottingham, again, my meeting with these three guys who have the biggest brains in Hollywood.

By the way, earlier when I said

slip of the tongue and I said big heads, I don't think that.

I mean big brains.

I mean they do have big heads.

You mean as in egos?

Maybe I just need all the large

large craniums?

Yeah, you mean?

Maybe they do.

I don't know, Scott.

I don't walk into a room thinking, hey, big craniums, whatever.

I don't walk in with preconceived notions.

They have big brains.

I don't mean they have big heads.

That was was a slip of the tongue.

So you're saying their brains are larger than another human's brain?

Obviously.

But what I'm saying is what I'm doing today has nothing to do with Dreamworks or whatever that company.

I don't even know anything about that.

DreamWorks SKG?

Whatever it is.

I'm not walking in there with these ideas.

You mean my entire plan is ruined because you're not DreamWorks?

How did you know about his meeting?

Because I was listening on a citizen band radio outside the podcast booth.

Wait, hold on.

You're listening to a citizen band radio, and then you came up with his plan on the fly?

Stand!

I stopped!

Start him!

I start him!

Calling off the operation!

Oh, my God.

You can't get me, Kasenberg.

Unkneel.

Unkneil now.

You fucks it up.

So stand up or just kind of return to our seats?

My knees hurt.

Sit down Indian style if you want.

I'm going to get back in my chair.

Can I just get in my chair?

Yeah.

All right, fair enough.

All right.

Now, why don't you sit down since we're all friends and we're on a first-name basis?

And there's no more

plan to take over the comedy gold.

Did you want the gold, by the way?

I have a hard time keeping any appointments unless I schedule some sort of takeover or evil plot to get my foot on the door.

Well, see, now that that's interesting because I had invited you on the show.

You've had an outstanding invitation for years, and you've always turned it down.

I didn't realize about the whole Sheriff of Donningham thing.

I just, you know, I'm a big fan of your gay work.

And

I just

so you scheduled this whole plan just so you could be on the show?

I just was a little bit horny.

I woke up with a morning wood and two loaded glocks, and I thought I'd get my rocks off.

Are you talking about your balls right now?

What did you think I had pointed in your faces?

Those are your testicles?

Yes.

Ah!

I guess I didn't look at it too much.

Me neither.

Feel it, Mr.

Scott.

Okay, this is definitely a testicle.

How's it feel?

It feels like a glock.

But you see it pulsing and twisting.

And I've got two of them, and they stretch out so I can hold them in my hands and twist them across each other.

Wait, so you woke up horny, and you thought that you would come over here and do what with us?

It's hard to get my mind around a fantasy when I've already beaten Robin Hood several times.

Now, hold on.

You specialize in playing gay villains, but

are you an actual gay actor?

Well, it doesn't matter, does it?

What I do in my private life.

I mean, you're the one who came in here waving your testicles around.

Well, maybe I'm a man of certain means and certain proclivities at times, you know.

Of course, I'm married.

Oh, of course.

Of course, I'm married.

You're an actor.

Well, I'm not going to rule anything out, though.

Okay.

You think I should rule something out just because I'm not

sitting with a boyfriend right now?

I'm with you, Mr.

Rickman.

I mean, I think walking into a room with any sort of preconception is a big mistake.

So I totally know where you're coming from.

As a fellow actor, I totally know where you're coming from.

Yes, I walked in the room here not knowing where it was going to go, but I thought

I always have a team of people in a helicopter ready to take over a building whenever I go in.

So I thought you'd give it a try.

So you've called off the team, though, and now we're.

Yeah.

All right, well, I'm glad that you made it on the show.

It's nice to meet you finally.

Have you ever done a movie with Mr.

Rickman here?

No.

I'm sorry, Alan.

Mr.

Allen.

Mr.

Allen, it is great to see you again.

I don't know if you remember, but we met briefly at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival back in 1991.

Hey, a lot of people have been to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

No, I know, but I actually had an interaction with.

Yeah, but a lot of people have been there.

It's not a good idea.

And it was an interaction about Santa Cruz, believe it or not.

Oh, yes, I remember you, the little worm from Santa Cruz.

Well,

I don't know about that.

I was a teenage boy.

I went to Santa Cruz once, though.

I went to the Shakespeare there once.

You know what?

God damn it.

I was in a booth doing Shakespeare monologues, I believe.

That's right.

And

it was absolutely incredible.

You would just walk up and you would put

like seven pounds into just kind of a slot, and then Mr.

Rickman would just start doing Shakespeare soliloquies.

And if I got one word wrong, they would dunk me in a whipped cream.

It It was incredible.

I'm not good at Shakespeare.

So every time.

Well, I know the meter, and

I don't know the words.

And if I get the words wrong, and then I dunk me in whipped cream.

So you know it's iambic pentameter and you would just go, da-da-da, da-da-da, da-da-da.

Sure.

But the thing is,

they have to notice that you've messed it up.

I see.

If you fake it, they don't dunk.

I had a friend who talked about that doing Shakespeare.

If you ever forget the words,

he would call it bard libbing, where where you just kind of throw out a bunch of Shakespearean talk that kind of sounds like it's in.

And time doth clock at an impassable rate.

Here we go.

All right, someone get ready to dunk him.

The funny thing is, is at the time, I remember from King Lear.

I knew Shakespeare quite well because I grew up in Santa Cruz, so I went to the Shakespeare Festival.

Yeah, and I was one of them, Scott.

A lot of people grew up in Scotland.

So I knew when Mr.

Rickman got a word wrong, and I dunked you quite a few times.

You dunked me in whipped cream a few times.

Well, maybe it's your time today, Mr.

Rick.

Stop pointing your testicles at us.

Well, well, well, well.

The whipped cream that you're talking about, we are not interested in.

Oh, I was dunked in whipped cream, and let me tell you, vengeance will be mine.

Please don't pull your penis out.

Please.

Well, no, my penis isn't pulled out.

The Glock balls can come out on their own at any time.

All right, this is getting strange.

I think this is getting strange.

This is how I get my rocks off.

How do you think I feel, Mr.

Rockerman?

I have no idea.

We're back to formalities again.

Yeah, okay.

I'm sorry that our relationship took a dip there.

Well, you should apologize.

You're emotionally distant.

All right, guys.

It's all about you, you, you, you, you

running your show.

Oh, boy.

All right.

Well, it's nice that there could be this reunion.

Yeah, I mean,

I thought it was nice to see you again.

I'm just going to keep it at that.

It's nice to see Mr.

Scott as well.

Are You're talking to Mr.

Adam, I should say.

Okay, thank you.

So you're friendly with him?

But not with you.

All right.

It's time for.

Nice to see you too, Mr.

Allen.

It's time for

one of our newest features on the show.

Nottingham.

Sheriff of Nurse.

Exactly.

We played it a little while back.

It's time for Guess the Misheard lyrics.

All right, it's time for Guess the Misheard lyrics.

We all know how this is played.

It's barely worth talking about the rules.

Well, I would actually like to hear the rules.

Okay, then.

Well, I'll go into it a little bit.

I have a series of...

You've all heard songs on the radio, and you think the lyrics are one thing, and then you find out the lyrics are one of the things.

I've never heard a song on the radio.

Okay, this game is going to be very tough for you then.

But I record live radio and have it.

I listen to it seconds afterwards.

Oh, on a walkie-time.

My own delay on a citizen band.

But not music, just.

I'm too busy.

When I'm listening to live radio, it's people barking commands and orders, taking over one building or another.

All right, well, just try to play along if you can.

But what's going to happen is I will say an artist, a band or an artist, and I will say what the incorrect lyric is, and it is your job to tell me what the correct lyric is.

I'm sure you've read song lyrics, Alan, over the years, so you're familiar with them.

Maybe not as familiar as you are with Shakespeare.

Well, no, of course.

Music is poetry, and I'm aware of that.

Okay, good.

So you will be able to play a lot of it.

I've heard music.

What do you think I am some kind of a ludite?

Okay.

Your backstory is very confusing.

You just told us that you don't listen to music.

It's not a big deal.

I don't listen to music on the radio.

I listen to music off the radio.

Like on CDs or anything besides the medium of radio.

Cassettes?

Busy.

Yes, of course.

iPod?

A-tracks?

I prefer

the IBM one.

Old 78s?

Newer ones.

What's the newer 78s?

Syncwrap 78s.

What's the IBM?

I go to Amoeba when we get the new 78s in.

Every Tuesday.

Every Tuesday.

All right.

So here we go.

We will basically

score points and whenever you get one right, and we'll count up the points at the end, and whoever wins wins.

All right, so we'll start with Mr.

Scott.

I'm sorry.

Are you talking about yourself?

No, well, I'm sorry.

We're on a first name basis.

I'll start with you, Adam.

Here we go.

All right, the artist is the Bee Gees.

And the incorrect lyric is ah, ah, ah, ah, steak and a knife.

Steak and a knife.

What is the correct lyric?

Well,

staying alive, staying alive.

That is correct.

One point for you.

Yes, congratulations.

It's as easy as that.

That was really easy.

That was really easy.

Still,

they get a little harder as we go on.

Especially since that was the unreleased third verse of that song.

Okay.

All right.

So now on to you, Mr.

Rickman.

The band is Queen.

All right.

I did that.

No disrespect.

Be familiar with the work of Queen.

All right.

The misheard lyric is the algebra has a devil for a sidekick E.

All right.

And what is the correct lyric?

The devil.

The algebra has a devil put aside for me.

Correct.

Yes.

You each have a point.

Very good.

It's that simple.

How very apropos.

It is that simple.

All right, here we go.

Turning to Adam now.

Toto.

Do you remember the band Toto back from your taffy days?

Sure.

Here we go.

It was pre-taffy, but yeah.

Okay, so we're in the PT era.

All right.

There's nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do.

There's nothing that a hundred men on Mars could ever do.

Well, I think that's.

Well, now you're cheating out a melody to it.

I can give a melody.

I think that's the actual lyric.

No, that's not the actual lyric.

That is a misheard lyric.

Oh.

So you've gone your whole life thinking that is the actual lyric?

I mean, I'm not saying you think that's a matter of music.

There's nothing that 100 men on Mars could ever do.

I thought that was the lyric.

That is not the lyric.

Oh, no.

So do you have a guess what it could be, possibly?

There's nothing that

100 men on Mars could ever do.

That's what I think.

That is incorrect.

The actual lyric, there's nothing that a hundred men on Venus could ever do.

That's not true.

That is true.

I'm sorry.

That is the actual lyric.

All right.

Turning to Mr.

Rickman now.

Yes.

Brian Adams is the artist.

Oh, awful.

But what does this throw cottage cheese on my face?

Well, if I remember correctly, he did the love ballad from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves.

Yeah, so

I hated that song.

He's the villain of Robin Hood.

Why wasn't he singing more stanzas about the sheriff of Nottingham?

All this robin, Robin, Robin, Robin Hood at all times.

That's sick to death.

That was an egregious oversight.

All right, so Brian Adams, not a fan.

You may remember this song.

Got my first real sex dream.

I was five at the time.

Got my first real sex dream.

I was five in the drink.

The summer of 69.

But what is the real lyric there?

I've got my first six string.

I got my really first six string.

I got my very first six string.

No, I'm so sorry.

The actual lyric is got my first real sex dream.

I was five inches at the time.

Five inches at the time.

He's trying to say his cock grew as he grew older.

Yeah, sorry.

What if he's not?

What if it just stayed there?

That is a great question.

What if he was just embarrassed and it just stayed at that size the entire time?

All right, turning to Adam now, Starship.

Do you remember?

This is possibly the PT area,

post-taffy.

Starship?

Or no, that

pre-taffy.

No, Starship might be

87, so that seems like it might be mid-taffy.

No, Starship, their big hit was 85, I believe.

85 or 86 or 87.

I thought it was 87.

Okay.

Because it's in the 80s.

Well, let's see.

Isn't it in the credits to Mannequin?

I'm not sure, but here it is.

Mannequin is like 84, 85.

No, no, no.

87.

No, no.

87.

We built this city on logs and coal.

That is the incorrect lyric.

What is the actual lyric?

Well, the actual lyric is: We built the city on rock and roll.

No,

very close.

The actual lyric is She Silt Piss Pretty Con socks hambole.

You have to really listen to it wonderfully.

She silks simp spitting on corks and bowl.

You know that song.

Yeah, see?

Man.

I'm sorry, if you would have had that one, you would have gotten it.

She silks piss bitty.

All right, turning to Mr.

Rickman now.

This is traditional.

This is a tricky one.

Turn slowly if you know what's good for you.

This is a traditional Christmas carol.

The incorrect lyric is, now bring us some friggin' pudding.

What is the real lyric?

Bring us some figgy pudding.

No, again, incorrect.

Adam, you probably know this.

The actual lyric is, Yo, Snookie, stop being a grenade and bring us some friggin' pudding.

Yeah.

Sincerely, The Situation and Poly D.

They signed it at the end of that.

I'm so sorry.

How old is that song?

That song's only a year old.

But this, no, that Christmas

is like hundreds of years old.

No, no, that's thousands of years old.

You're confusing it with Silent Night.

That song was written last year

at the height of Jersey Shore Mania.

Okay.

Okay.

See, I could have sworn that that song, like, I grew up with that song.

Jersey Shore's only been around for like two or three years.

Jersey Night?

That's the one you're thinking of.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Ring-ting-a-ding, ding-ting-a-ding, Merry Christmas.

Turning to you, Adam.

Madonna, you a big Madonna fan?

Sure.

Can you just tell me the final, just the final stanza of that previous lyric?

Sincerely, the situation and Polly D.

Okay.

All right.

You remember it.

Okay, you're turning me around on this.

All right.

So a Madonna bee?

Yeah.

All right.

Here we go.

The incorrect lyric is like a surgeon cutting for the very first time.

Okay, well,

I believe that would be like a virgin touched for the very first time.

Ah, so close.

It's actually eat it, eat it, get yourself an egg and beat it.

Okay.

Sorry, sorry.

But I think

that's the weird owl lyric for

his spoof of beat it by Michael Jackson.

That's not what my research here says.

Sorry.

Everything about Michael Jackson has been whitewashed since his death.

Really?

Very hard to get accurate information about him at this point.

My good friend Jesse Ventura would probably agree with that.

He probably would.

All right.

So.

You're going to have to book him once in a while.

You guys are tied.

There's one left, and it goes to Mr.

Rickman here, and you can win with this.

All right.

You mean victory is in my grasp?

Yes, it is.

I like victory to be there, just right out of just just in my grasp i don't actually like to win i just like to be on the verge of victory here all right so the the i may as well have won the

the incorrect lyric is uh this is the rolling stones by the way are you a fan of the rolling stones at all oh yes of course all right so the incorrect lyric

is a wizard

okay uh the incorrect lyric is i'll never leave your pizza burnin' okay i'll never leave your pizza burnin'.

Never.

What is the actual lyric?

We'll never.

We'll never leave.

We'll never leave your pizza burning.

That's what it is.

No, yeah, the actual lyric.

What is it?

Well, this will never leave your pizza burning because we're experts at making your pizza perfect on time every time because time is on our side.

The Rolling Stones Pizza makes Wolfgang Puck look like Wolfgang schmuck.

Olive, our pizzas cost very little dough.

That's the Rolling Stones Pizza Company promised.

And every pizza is hand-tossed by Mick and hand-delivered by Keith.

Your satisfaction is guaranteed.

Or we'll sing satisfaction to your grandma.

We're so crazy about pizza, we're considering changing our name from the Rolling Stones to the Rolling Pins, as in rolling our pizza dough.

So what are you waiting for?

Call 1-800 Rolling Stones, changes their name to RollingPins.com now.

That is right.

Wow.

He got it right.

That is amazing.

That was incredible.

You mean I won?

You won.

You are the winner.

It's not as fulfilling as having victory in your grasp.

You've never won before in a movie.

I've never won a thing.

I've come so close.

Well, this is new territory for you, Alan.

You can.

I don't know.

You can.

The world is yours at this point.

So I've won.

Yeah, this is.

So we might as well hand over the gold, then, that I came from.

Normally, in a movie, you're super close, and then it's snatched from you from the hero.

Snatched when it was all, when it was when I literally had it at my fingertips.

Exactly.

Well, that is, of course, how we play Guess the Misheard lyrics.

All right, congratulations congratulations to Mr.

Rickman.

That is uh I'm on a party.

What do you think you do when you win?

Your party, motherfucker.

Oh, God.

Put him away.

Put him away.

Put him away.

All right, let's take another break.

Hear another song from Heidecker and Wood.

This is She Left You on Comedy Death Ray Radio.

We'll be right back with Adam Scott and a little more Alan Rickman after this.

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I'm Hats Hasserman, and I'm here with Adam Scott and the very intriguing yet confusing Alan Rickman, who we made up during the break.

It will all make perfect sense soon enough, Scott.

That is the master plan.

We made up during break.

We're now on a first name basis.

Yes, you're Scott.

Yes.

I've come to terms terms with that.

I've laid down both of my testicles,

disarmed them for the moment.

It is weird that you laid them down, too.

I laid them down here on the broadcasting table.

What else am I going to do with them?

Put them back in my pants?

Blow my kneecaps off.

We wish you would.

Adam, we do want to talk to you, and maybe you'll have an opinion on this, Alan.

We do want to talk to you about Parks and Wreck.

It's coming back.

We never found out if it's for a third or a fourth season, but

it is coming back.

And you're on that.

It's running currently.

And season finale coming up.

Well, we have nine more episodes, nine more new episodes before the season ends.

So the finale, I believe, will be in May at some point.

I thought I'd read it was in April or something.

No.

Unless you can fit,

I mean, do the math, Scott.

We have nine

more works, nine more originals.

What is it?

May March.

Well, today it's March 28th.

Okay, so maybe you have eight more.

No, we have nine more episodes.

Well, it's March 28th today, so you have you probably have eight more.

It's March 21st.

See, it's March 28th.

The first day.

Yeah, I know.

I was just kidding.

It's March 28th.

Is that like your Portland joke?

Yeah.

So I want to see how many people Google March 28th.

Like, what's the big deal?

I like

seeing Google on its toes.

Google spikes.

So you have eight more episodes.

Eight more episodes.

The one that just aired is the camping episode, and

I think the one after that.

So you have one on the 31st, one on the 7th, 14th, 21st, 28th.

Actually, I think one of them is going to be.

12th, 19th.

So probably May 19th.

Probably something like that.

Okay, so and it's been a great season so far.

The Harvest Festival

is up and running.

The Harvest Festival,

which a lot of people thought was going to be like a season-long arc, and the Harvest Festival would be kind of the last arcades.

On the sixth episode, we got right to it.

So, the Harvest Festival is in the past,

and the rest of the season is just

a great success.

And this is a technical question, but was there a lot of CGI on that last big, like, amazing crane shot?

Was that CGI, or did you go to an actual festival?

Well, there was a little CGI there, but there actually was a real harvest festival up in the valley that we went and shot at.

Wait, which valley?

The San Fernando Valley in Los Angeles.

Have you ever been up there?

Were you guys planned once or twice?

I don't want to insult you.

I want to insult you.

On occasion, I've been up there.

I don't want to insult you.

Always by helicopter.

Were you guys planning the whole season around a harvest festival that was naturally occurring in the San Fernando Valley?

I don't know.

I'm not a location scout.

I'm not a production designer.

I just show up.

You don't do that on the show?

No, Scott.

Look.

How do you call it your own work of art?

I'm ready to put this rumor to rest.

I am not a location scout.

I am not the production designer.

How do you call yourself an artist, then?

Listen, Mr.

Rickman?

You jump in and you take control of the project and you make it yours.

I am sorry for dunking you into the whipping cream over and over again, but you could not get it right.

You couldn't get it right.

Well, you were right.

It was

we few, we happy few, we.

Okay, look, if there was whipped cream right here, I would dunk you into it right now.

Rind of system.

Out out damn spot.

Butchering.

Oh, yes, I know that one.

Out, out, out.

But you're not supposed to say it.

Okay, well, how am I supposed to tell you which one then?

Well, I don't know.

The one where a lady Macbeth talks about a scared.

You said it again!

You've cursed us.

Oh, Macbeth, is what we're doing.

Oh, another third one.

All right.

So Parks and Rack,

what's going on?

No, the Scottish Blade curse really works on me.

Wait, Macbeth?

I'm so thoroughly an actor that it hurts my heart.

But we didn't say it backstage.

I think the rule is that you can't say it back.

I'm always performing.

What is that rule?

You can't say it backstage.

The world is a stage.

But I guess for Mr.

Rickman, it's everywhere.

Like, everywhere is fair game.

You just do not say the words.

How would you ever say that you're going to see.

If I were going.

Hold on.

I'm sorry, I'm going to take it, Aspen?

If I were going to see the Scottish play, I would be very careful about making the arrangements.

I would go through a third party,

I would go through kayak, travel planners, travelocity or something, and say, I want to go see a play and then narrow it down, you know.

I want to see one of the histories.

So, if you were to buy your tickets online, like, could you even type the name of the play in, or is that.

I wouldn't type it, no, because the world, I'm always performing the world is my stage yeah we get that so if I'm typing there's an audience if it's not if it's not the literal audience of ticket takers then it's Dionysus himself looking down at whatever I do

what if you had a sister

boy is your

boy

maybe if you worship at the altar of Dionysus you'd be more than having a harvest festival and

Pakoima Mr.

Scott all right shut the fuck up for a second what

What if you had a sister named Beth and you were trying to tell her that she should wear a Mac

or buy a Mac even better?

Like,

hey, hey, I'm your sister Beth.

What kind of computer should I buy?

There are many ways that I could tell her to do that.

There's only one would you say go buy a Scottish play?

No, no, listen, Beth, why don't you go find a Mac?

That's not saying the word, it's playing around with elements of the word.

But what if you wanted to say her name as the last element of the words?

Magic spells don't work if you mix up the word stupid.

I'm sorry, I never took gay wizard school.

I don't know these

rules.

No,

no, of course.

Why would I point at her and say, Mac, Beth, I've got

a golden.

Speaking in tongues.

Gay tongues.

You've had a few gay tongues in your mouth, haven't you?

Well, I told you before, it's all an ambiguous mystery.

When you're in the Virgin Islands, you do the Virgin Island thing.

All right, so you're in London, you're in the Virgin Islands.

Of course, me, you know, I have my little parties there.

Okay.

Sort of arrangements you make when you're in Miami?

Sure.

All right, well, we're going to do one of our least loved features on the show now.

This This is something that's terrible,

but I am really interested in seeing what Mr.

Rickman's opinion is going to be of some of this.

Yes, I've got the Holy Spirit of the gears.

This is a terrible, terrible feature called Jukebox Jury.

All right.

Chukebox Jury is here, and

Engineer Doug grabbed this mic.

That would be a perfect song to play if a hero entered my lair and found me.

I think that would be a terrible song for that.

No, it would be perfect because

the counterpoint is there.

So basically, Adam, you probably, and of course, Alan, you don't know what this is, but a lot of people, we play comedy songs on the show, and a lot of people say, hey, play my song.

Oh, I've done this before.

Oh, you, oh, did you do this this last time you were here?

No, I did this when you were at the other place.

Oh, okay.

This is your third appearance on the show.

We always love having you.

Is it

the third?

I believe it's.

We'll talk about it after the show.

And what season of Parks and Recognition?

Yep.

You paused.

There was a pregnant pause when you realized it was the third appearance.

Is there something special about the Mr.

Schwarzs?

Well, the number three has a lot of meanings for me.

I don't like to get into this sort of thing.

I don't like to get into the number three.

I have a meeting coming up, the three guys.

With DreamWorks.

All your dreams are coming together.

Guys, it's not.

It has nothing to do with it.

Third comedy death ray on the threshold of greatness as you join DreamWorks and become their god.

DreamWorks is not.

I don't even know what that is.

It's not important.

You will apotheosize as the god, a deity, Adam Scott.

All right, here we go.

So basically, we play people's comedy songs and we make fun of them.

Alright, so

excuse me, Engineer Doug, what is the first song we're going to play?

This is Scotty Matthews with A Woman's Work Is Never Done.

Scotty Matthews is accompanied by Samson, his puppet.

Okay.

A woman's work is never done.

Will, if you'd be so kind.

Oh, Jesus.

So this is like a YouTube

recording.

They got chores to do and kids to raise.

And that's how women spend their their days and then men can give them money

to buy the things they need like what well like mops and good detergents to keep our clothes real clean

and if the time left over

they can use the restroom

but then make it snappy

Cause a woman's work is never done

and that keeps swimming

say cut it off.

We can't do it with less than two.

It's like the nuclear keys.

Two people have to turn it at the same time.

I put one of my balls in my mouth.

I'm ready to blow my brains out.

So, are you saying turn it off?

Turn it off, we need one more person.

Turn it off.

Okay, here we go.

I didn't know I had the power.

Yeah, those are the rules.

We need two people.

Two of the three need to come to a consensus.

All right, so let's break it down.

Adam, what do you got?

Are you talking to me?

I thought it was.

Is that an old song that he was kind of?

It sounds like it may have been an old song.

Engineer Doug said

it's his company and he has a puppet or something to that effect.

That's all the information we have to go on.

I thought it was very well recorded.

I'm going to leave it at that.

I mean, I just kind of admire the recording.

Alan, what do you got?

Well,

I was into it at first

when I thought that every line rhymed with the next line, when they were all couplets.

Like Shakespeare.

They should have stuck with the couplets.

I was scanning it.

It was almost perfect iambic pentometer.

You were scanning.

I was literally scanning it here on my little notepaper.

I liked it because I like comedy songs that take a point of view which is opposite to what society should feel and then explores it.

So I really enjoy that.

You're going to stand up for

the men's rights in this case.

Yeah, and that's what a good comedy song does to me is takes an extreme point of view and then explores every nook and cranny of it.

No, no,

I never, I don't really, that's another thing, is that once I got into it, it's like, I don't really care what a woman's praise is.

Well, see, now that's your point of view.

Yeah, sure, at home, fine.

I really only am interested in women

for the purposes of spitefully getting back at a hero that I'm trying to fight.

Alright.

Like Bonnie Bedelia in Die Hard.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, exactly.

Yes, of course.

I married my wife just to spite someone.

Wait, who are you spiting?

I'm spiting Michael Kane.

So do you give it a mustard or a mustard or pants?

Which one is the worst?

It's mustard or pants.

Which one do you give it?

Oh, boy.

I'll give it mustard.

All right, Adam?

Pants.

And Engineer Doug.

Mustard.

Alright, two mustards, one pants.

What do we have next?

We have Mike Vital with Deadass.

Oh, this does not sound promising.

Here we go.

Deadass.

Mike Vital.

Oh, starts good.

Your mark cost smells like permanent blood.

Permanent.

Something.

Permanent something?

Blood?

Hell yeah, I need to get paid.

I'm about to drop this fat ass beat on you.

Mr.

Gross Whittles.

Come on, get ready.

Here it comes.

We were waiting for the fat ass beat.

So let me introduce to you myself.

I'm the dopest shit.

Alright, I'm gonna give it a turnout.

We have another one.

I want to see what's going on.

Okay, that's exactly what it is.

Exactly what you're looking for.

Perfect timing.

All right.

Fucking queer.

I mean, you know, what is there that could be said?

Well, what could be said is that

it was fantastic.

I was enthralled at every moment.

So fantastic, we could not hear another second.

No, but

I was on the edge of my seat, ready to fall off.

You know what?

If I could dunk him, I would dunk him.

I would do it.

Dunk him into mustard.

Oh, okay.

So a mustard over here?

I would dunk him into a vat of pants.

Okay.

You mentioned Harris Whittles.

That reminds me.

You probably get to hang out with him a lot on the Parks and Rec set.

A lot of people wonder.

A lot of people write.

Are they gay?

Are they lovers?

Who?

You and Harris Whittles.

No, and people are not wondering.

That's exactly what everyone is wondering.

Embrace it.

No one's ever.

A lot of people write into our message boards on yourworld.com and

they say Harris is not funny.

Harris is.

I think Harris had a great new character on your show last week.

Jack?

Is that the name of the character?

Yeah, that was

two weeks ago, three weeks ago.

A couple weeks ago.

The guy that works at the Jack at the Lumber Yard.

At the Lumber Yard.

Yeah.

That was a hilarious.

So that's about as funny as he is on the Parks and Rec set, right?

Yeah, pretty much.

I mean, I think that's brilliantly funny.

Okay.

I actually did.

I loved that character.

I thought that was awesome.

E.D., what do you give it?

Mustard or pants?

Mustard.

Mustard.

Definite mustard for me, too.

All right, here we go.

The last one.

What do we got?

We have Ryan Inman with Treasure Trove.

Ryan Inman?

I'm a treasure trove of bitches.

I'm a treasure trove of bitches.

I'm a treasure trove.

That's what I said in the first place.

Get up on it.

If you want to say.

I'm a treasure trove of bitches.

I'm coming around on it.

I actually kind of like it now.

Me too.

Oh, the rapping starts.

Is there a video with this one?

No.

Alright.

Sort of like this.

Kind of a John Spencer news explosion type of thing.

Sounds like a guitar lesson mixed with a drum lesson.

If they were trying to do an animal sacrifice.

I'm kind of enjoying it, though.

I don't like comedy rapping, but it's turned off.

I have a turn.

No, I'm sorry.

Keep it going.

We need to.

I don't, I'm not going to.

I'm going to hold out.

I'm going to hold out.

I'm making a parliamentary move here, Mr.

Corner.

I put in my vote for a turn it off.

We have one holdout.

Call it a filibuster.

It's all up to Adam now.

What are you going to do, Adam?

Are you going to hold out?

Okay, yeah, you can turn it off.

I was just trying to figure out what he was saying.

What is he talking about?

The tree was in my grasp.

What is it about comedy rapping?

We've talked about it on the show, right, Engineer Doug?

There's just something about comedy rapping that.

But The Lonely Island does it great.

Yeah, they do.

But they're actually like, they're not.

It seems to me like they are not ever making fun of, like, oh, isn't it funny that we're rapping?

They just do really good music.

No, it seems like they genuinely love

it.

Like, I'm On a Boat is actually a pretty great song.

Right.

That's also hilarious.

So, what, so, but I'm not saying there was anything wrong with that one,

but I wanted to turn it off.

I liked the whole intro.

Yeah.

I like, yes, I like that you're a treasure trove of bitches.

I think that's a really witty tone of phrase.

Okay.

I wouldn't mind, I wouldn't mind meeting the treasure trove of bitches and introducing them to my pirate captain.

Okay, not sure what that means.

When I hear the word treasure trove, I'm immediately get horny and I feel like stealing someone's gold.

You immediately start calling people on that.

Yes, on my CB radio.

Alright, so what do you give it then?

I think I would give it pants, but I would take it down to the tuxedo to get a new measured for a proper pair of pants.

All right, and Adam.

I think that's a worthy,

worthy,

worthy,

are you just going to say worthy a lot?

A worthy, uh,

a worthy, uh,

I've shut down your Adam Scott, Mr.

Ockerman.

Are you believing me yet?

A worthy, uh, how did you do that?

Are you believing me?

How did you do that?

Kneel before me, Mr.

Ockerman.

I will kneel.

I will kneel.

He's a robot.

Scott is controlled by me, Alan Rickman.

And I was only here.

The gold is already gone.

It's in the red line.

I'll give you the gold.

I'll do whatever you want.

The gold has been taken.

I'll have all my...

When I was yelling in that radio, my German slaves were removing it from your dear wharf office.

Now suck on my glop.

You have

such a pretty face, you do.

Such an adorable little face, Mr.

Rockerman.

Oh, no, I know.

Well, comedy death ray, I'm afraid it's time for me to make my exit

from a helicopter helicopter waiting on the top of the building.

Oh, stop it, it wasn't that bad.

My cum tastes like strawberry chocolate, I know, because I have it all the time.

Do whatever you just, please.

Leave us alone.

I want to leave you like this.

Olivo!

A worthy, uh, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for whatever I did to Adam.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for whatever I did to Adam.

Perfect.

Scott.

A worthy.

You've played your part like a worthy assistant.

A worthy, uh

a worthy, uh

a worthy, uh

a worthy, uh, analogy.

Oh,

you're back.

I'm sorry?

Uh, n uh, n nothing.

Um where did Alan go?

He um

I don't know, something fucking crazy just happened.

Huh.

Um

Anyway, I thought it was a pretty good analogy.

I would also say go to the tailor and get the pants fitted right or whatever.

It was pretty good, but not.

The rap part wasn't.

I wish I had my gold back.

Fuck, what happened?

What's wrong, Scott?

My gold's missing.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Wait a second.

Alan's gone.

The gold's gone.

Wait, what happened?

I don't know.

I just.

We were in the middle of Jupox jury, and then something fucking weird happened.

I was sucking on his testicle.

I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it.

Look, can we just do plugs?

Can we just do plugs?

Yeah.

Let's do plugs.

This

is a blood sanction.

My God is God of Garmin.

Come in every day, the religion I follow on

silently separate no face.

If it gets at a comedy show,

I find tickets no matter what it takes.

I leave in some

face.

That was by Joey Vosevich.

In lieu of plugs, can I just, If...

Alan Rickman, if you're listening to this on

one of your

broad

CB radios, could you bring my gold back?

I kind of need my gold for

later.

Is there any way you can bring my gold back?

Adam, do you have anything to plug?

Well, look, Scott, I'm really sorry that Mr.

Rickman took your gold, and I didn't even realize it was happening.

I didn't even see it happen.

I I would I would have tried to stop him, I guess.

I know that's why he incapacitated you as you always take out your strongest opponent first.

Oh!

Whoa.

Hello, Scott.

Did you hear what I said about my gold?

I was listening on the citizen band radio, of course.

I was monitoring all channels.

How do you monitor all channels?

Well, I have Earwolf on channel thirty-nine.

Uh-huh.

That's where, yeah, that's where you broadcast from the antenna.

Can I have my gold back?

I would be glad to give you your gold back, but you'll have to wait.

I've already put it to use in my Ponzi scheme.

Oh, boy.

But I can get it back?

You can get it back, but I'm gonna have to string you along like an investor for a while.

As long as I get it back.

We're in business.

You'll get it back by the time you retire, I promise you.

Can I get it by this afternoon?

Are you going to retire?

Yeah.

Do I have your word?

Yeah.

Shake my hand, then.

That's not your hand.

That's my hand.

My hand looks like a penis.

That's not your hand.

That's that's my hand.

We've already soaked out your balls.

Why do we Scott?

They looked like guns.

You've got to trust me.

This is me.

If you've ever trusted me at all, I've never trusted you.

Shake my hand, Mr.

Rockerman.

Now stroke it.

Just stroke it a little bit.

That's perfect.

I got the gold and he rubbed me out.

I decided

all over your face.

Have my gold?

I sold it.

That was really fast.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm a villain.

It's the worst show I've ever done.

I'm sorry I did that to you.

I want my gold back.

What if I go steal some gold from another podcast podcast and give it to you?

Would you do that?

Sure.

I heard the WTF has a lot of gold.

Very well.

I'll go visit the garage right now.

Mark Marin, I'm coming for you next.

Adam.

Wow, Marin better watch out.

I stopped

watching.

Adam, I'm sorry, but without my gold, I'm not a good host.

I can tell.

So this is a totally different show without your gold.

I want my gold back, so bye-bye.

Okay.

Bye-bye.

Okay, bye, Scott.

I'm so sorry.

Bye-bye.

I want my gold.

Bye-bye.

When people take your gold, you start saying bye-bye a lot.

Bye-bye.

I want my gold.

Why did you.

Oh, my gold, bye-bye.

Oh, my God.

You're shrinking down to the size of a toddler.

Oh, my gold, bye-bye.

Oh, I want my gold.

We need smaller headphones.

I want my gold, bye-bye.

Bye-bye, bye-bye.

Oh, my God.

Bye-bye.

He's almost a zygote.

I want a gold, bye-bye.

This is incredible.

I want a gold, babe.

I gotta get it.

It's perfect.

I've turned him into a leprechaun.

Oh, my God.

That's all I ever wanted.

I want my gold, babe.

Oh, my God.

You called me a madman.

Where did that green hat come from?

I want my gold.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye with me gold.

Bye-bye.

You're my Adam Scott as my slave robot, and you're my Deleprecon.

I want me gold.

Bye-bye.

That was a...

All come together.

That was a.

Earwolf listeners, I'm talking directly to you.

I want me gold.

You have 24 hours to send all of your gold to the Eowulf studios.

Bye-bye.

If you don't, I'll blow it up.

I'm watching and I'm listening to all of you on band 39 on my citizen band radio.

That was a

comedy death ray radio is about to literally get deadly.

Come on, my gold.

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Hey, everybody, it's Paul Scheer, host of How Did This Get Made, a podcast that covers the best, worst movies.

This week, we're diving into the brand new War of the Worlds reboot starring Ice Cube.

Yes, the movie that got 2% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Ice Cube is saving the world from aliens via his computer.

It's so convoluted, this plot, but basically, if you have an Amazon account, you can save the day just like Ice Cube.

There is so much going on in this movie.

So join me, June Diane Rayfield, and Jason Manzukis, as we break down every bizarre choice and every Ice Cube one-liner on this week's episode of How Did This Get Made?

The podcast that makes sense of movies that don't.