Bonus Bang: Live at The Complex, Salt Lake City UT (Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan, Carl Tart, Ryan Gaul)

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Hey, everyone, welcome to another Bonus Bang, where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall.

This is your host, Scott Ackerman, and we are still in the midst of our wonderful series, I Love Lily.

That's right, I love Lily, featuring Lily Sullivan, a wonderful performer who's been such a great addition to the Comedy Bang Bang roster.

And this week, we have a very special episode because we're dropping a Comedy Bang Bang World exclusive with the 13th stop on the 2024 Comedy Bang Bang Into Your Mouth tour recorded live on July 23rd, 2024 from the complex in Salt Lake City, Utah.

That's right.

Released the very next day on Comedy Bang Bang

into the tour feed that we have over there where you can hear all the live episodes.

Now, this episode features Pauloff Tompkins.

He plays Alimony Tony, Lily Sullivan, the aforementioned Lily Sullivan, of course, as Sabrina Carpenter, recent pop star when this was recorded.

And it also has Carl Tart as Farley Longfellow and Ryan Gaul as Pudge.

And I believe Ryan almost got arrested because of this show by the local police.

So a lot going on in this show, including we end the episode on a particular game.

Now, if you want to hear more of the 2024 Comedy Bang Bang Into Your Mouth tour or any of the live episodes we ever did, become a subscriber over at cbbworld.com.

We have every single episode we've ever recorded in the studio, all ad-free,

as well as every single live episode we've ever done.

We have original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Salt Lake City, how are we this evening?

What a weird ass room.

It's my first time seeing it.

Ooh,

can we get more in the monitors?

Immediate.

Immediate more in the monitors.

Oh, that feels better.

That feels better.

Might want to pump it up a little more.

Hey, Salt Lake City, so good.

Oh, wait.

I know you wanted to clap for that, but we have business to attend to.

Hello, sir.

Proudly walking in front of everyone.

I guess there's no other way to get there, right?

If that's the great Salt Lake, I'd hate to smell a decent one.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to J-Man the Great.

J-Man the Great for that catchphrase submission.

Let's pump up those monitors even more.

What do you say?

Yeah,

let's get it nice and clear.

Mr.

Stussy.

I didn't know Stussy still made shirts.

I love it.

Is it Stussy or Stusy?

How do you pronounce that?

All right, anyway.

Hi, everyone.

Great to see you.

My name is Scott Auberman.

Thank you so much for coming.

Never been to Salt Lake City before.

Yeah, kind of a weird town.

Like

all of the streets have this construction going on in the.

I've only been to this one street.

Utah's weird okay you can take it down a little bit because we're feeding back

pleasure to be here never have I done a show in Utah oh yeah we did some shows at Sundance those were really strange this is going to be so much better people actually know what they're seeing here

but look at this stage how far back it goes What if I moved everyone back all the way to the back?

Would you guys like that?

No?

Now I really can't hear the monitors.

Oh god, this was a mistake!

Guys, I have to ask you, who here

has never

even heard

an episode of Comedy Bang Bang at this point?

Anyone?

You, sir.

In the teal.

You're looking around like, is this teal?

I think it's teal.

Am I wearing teal?

Is it teal, sir?

What would you characterize that color as?

Yes, I'm talking to you.

Stop looking at your shirt.

Blue.

Uh-huh.

That's teal, my man.

No, ma'am.

What?

I thought you said no, ma'am.

See, it's hard enough to hear the monitors.

I'm not going to be able to hear you.

But,

okay, well, let me just tell everyone what they're in for here tonight.

Thank you very much for coming.

If you have no idea why you're here, I'm assuming that someone brought you, although you look to be alone.

Seems like you bought a chair for your beer.

Like Bono with his hat on an airplane.

Let me tell you exactly what we're going to do here tonight.

This is sort of like a talk show.

It's a live podcast recording.

People are listening to this right now.

Not right now for you, but when they're listening to it, they are listening to it right now.

And it's sort of like a talk show.

I'm the host of the talk show.

I'm going to bring people out here, guests for the talk show.

These are going to be conversations that we have not discussed beforehand, conversations that have never happened before.

Unless Ali Peterson drops by, we may get into

some of the stuff we've talked about before.

But we have not discussed anything.

I merely know who's coming out here.

Some people I've never even met before.

So, just kind of a talk show and a relaxed conversation.

That about covers it, right?

What do you think, sir?

Does that sound interesting to you?

I'm getting a high thumbs up.

I love it.

Not even the Bill Clinton half a thumb close to the body.

He's giving it full on arm's length.

I love it.

We have a great show for you.

Let me see who's coming out here.

A little later,

we have a businessman.

Not even a small businessman.

We have a pop star,

a political strategist.

Yeah, so that's a really interesting show.

But before we get to that,

let me be honest with you, I'm just wasting time until these people find their seats.

Lots of conversation.

How are you?

How's it going?

Nice to see you.

Thank you so much for coming.

Can I help at all?

I'm guessing in this area.

Before we do that, we have one very important piece of...

Oh, no, you're just leaving.

I don't, that's all right.

Thank you.

I understand.

It's not for you.

No, you're on the other side.

Yes.

Okay, very good.

Before we get to all this, we have a very important piece of business to attend to, and that, of course, is a little something that we call the balcony report.

Fans of the show know what I'm talking about.

Mr.

Teal

Beer Seats perhaps does not.

No.

That's a big thumbs down, as big as the thumbs up was.

You're a man of passion.

The balcony report, let me explain what this is.

This started approximately 10 years ago

and it is a way for not only the audience here in

the complex, is that what this place is called?

Okay.

Not only for the people in the complex here to know how many balconies are in the actual place in which we're performing, but for the people at home to kind of get a mental picture in their mind palaces

so that they can really envision and really imagine that they're here listening to us.

And

we started this 10 years ago, it was such a success.

And people all over the country were like, can you come to our city?

We have three balconies.

Can you come to our city?

We have 12 balconies.

It's a crazy place.

I think it's the Coliseum.

They want us there so badly.

And so now we've evolved a little bit.

This tour, we're not only going to tell you how many balconies are in this place,

but we are going to tell you how many balconies we have performed in total on the entire tour.

Yeah.

So that's very exciting.

And complex Salt Lake City,

this is a tough one.

It's not helping that it's all painted black and I can't really see it, but

are those seats?

They're tables?

Get the fuck out of here.

All right, I have my answer then.

Complex, Salt Lake City, Utah

has zero balconies.

Yes.

Now, the second number I'm going to tell you is how many balconies total we have performed in front of.

Up to this point, up till tonight, we had performed in front of 14.

So I'm going to tell you the total now.

At Complex Theater or just the complex?

Have you ever seen anything here before?

Is this a.

It feels like a scam.

The whole thing feels fake to me.

The complex, Salt Lake City.

I am pleased as punch

to announce that the grand total now stands at 14 balconies.

Wow.

Exciting stuff.

Well, you know, when we're in a new town, we always try to

find local talent that's going to be here.

And so we found a group of people that wanted to perform with us.

Please welcome the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

That would be strange.

Although they could fit on this ginormous stage, how many people are in this choir?

A hundred?

100?

More higher, higher.

101.

102, 103.

Price is right now.

104, 105, 106, 107.

What are we talking?

700?

You don't know?

All right.

Lots.

Okay, lots.

$1, thank you.

No, are you guys ready to start this show?

Very exciting show here tonight.

Seems like they all found their seats.

We're ready to go.

Utah, we have a very venue or at least city-appropriate guest here tonight.

He's a gentleman, the aforementioned businessman I mentioned.

I don't know that he runs the business, but his mother invented gaseous paper.

Please welcome Alimony Tony.

Hi.

Hi, Scott.

Alaboni Tony, so wonderful to see you.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

I'm not a business bat, by the way.

My mother, it was my mother's business.

I just collect the checks, okay?

But you are the head.

No, I'm not.

I'm not involved in the business day-to-day.

I apologize for getting the facts.

Back to this place.

This reminds me of when they

fooled Joe Pesci at Goodfellows, thinking he was going to be

made mad.

Bring him down to an empty basement, shoot him in the face.

Did they build, was that a set?

They built a whole bunch of them.

No, they didn't build a set.

No, no.

I said it reminds me of.

Come on, Scott.

Well,

I apologize.

I don't mean to get on the wrong foot.

No, no, it's not you, Scott.

I'm in a bad mood.

I'm sorry.

You're in a bad mood.

I shouldn't take it out on you, yeah.

Alimony Tony, I've never seen you in a bad mood.

Well, you've seen it now.

I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

It's quite all right.

What gets Alimony Tony in a bad mood?

You're one of the most joyful, vivacious people that I've ever come across.

Yeah, used to be.

Used to be?

This is the norm now?

Norm!

It feels.

I don't think that's the way that worked, by the way.

I don't think

you just do a little startup norm in order to get the big norm.

Well, I'm upset because of a couple reasons.

First of all, I can barely hear myself on the monitor.

It's a problem.

Secondly,

I'm married right now, and my wife and I have been fighting.

No.

Hey, thanks, everybody.

You're married again.

Yeah.

When did you get married?

I got married

six months ago.

That's pretty good for you.

Five months in change.

It was going great.

In the last few weeks, we've just been at each other's throats.

Did you get married on Valentine's Day?

I never get married on Valentine's Day.

That's when you're doing your Valimoni Shioni, of course.

Of course.

I've had weddings on every major holiday in the U.S.

and abroad, except Valentine's Day.

Juneteenth.

Juneteenth?

Absolutely.

Once it became a federal holiday.

Sure.

Before then, never?

It felt disrespectful.

Do you consider Halloween to be a major holiday?

I do.

Even though it's not, you don't get the day off for it.

So you got married on Halloween?

Of course, I've been married on Halloween.

Can I ask what you dressed up as?

I dressed up as a bride, and the bride dressed up as a groom.

It was fun.

And the preacher dressed up as a demon.

Wish I was still married to that lady.

What happened to her?

We got divorced.

Oh, yeah.

She's not.

Passed on.

Has that ever happened to you when someone dies during a marriage?

There was...

I never had a wife die during the marriage,

but I did have a wife die immediately after we got divorced, and I could never send her an alimony check.

She was the one that got away.

For people who don't know,

go ahead.

You do it.

You do it.

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Scott.

For the gentleman in teal, especially.

Alimony Tony is a moral.

Wait, the gentleman in teal?

Yes.

It's a blue blue shirt.

It's a light blue shirt.

That man's hat is teal.

You have that for comparison.

What do you think teal is?

I think it's a light blue mixed with a touch of green.

Yeah, that's not what that is.

That's blue.

It's light blue.

Okay.

He seemed very upset at the just mere

hint.

that it was teal.

I thought you were pointing out Peter Teal for a second.

He's busy.

His boy JD is very busy.

I don't like that guy.

Amongst the Uber wealthy, we don't like him.

Oh, really?

Well, that was the thing I was going to mention is Alamoji Tony here is a very wealthy.

Are you a billionaire at this point?

Oh, Scott.

Let's just say I'm doing all right.

So billionaire who

your mother invented gaseous paper.

She invented it for the space program.

That's right.

And this was when they were writing stuff down, it had to evaporate, otherwise it would bang around the cockpit.

Exactly.

You didn't want to have all those shreds of paper just hanging around there.

Because

space is at a premium in a space capsule.

Of course.

It's so ironic.

You're going into space and you have to space.

Yeah, go space, exactly.

Yes.

So, Alimony Tony, you've been married how many times?

Oh, at this point, it's in the high 60s.

Yeah.

60.

Come on.

Okay.

But yes.

Hell yeah.

And

you have been married many times.

It's never worked out.

You always marry for love.

I always marry for love.

But here's the thing.

I have also been divorced many times.

And the silver lighting there is, I love paying aliboni.

I mean, I love it, brother.

I get a real thrill out of it.

It gets me going.

But I never marry just to get divorced.

I always marry thinking it's going to work out.

And you love just knowing these women are taken care of?

I do.

I love being able to be the one that takes care of them, whether they need me to or not.

Because a lot of them, you know, they remarry.

Sure.

And you could stop paying alimony, but you continue to.

That's right.

The husband begs me.

Their husband begs you?

Yes.

He says it's a masculine.

no he said please keep sending the alibone oh oh he begs for the alimony yeah he wants the money yeah

but i make it so that it's her money he can't touch it he can't touch it okay is that a stipulation it's a stipulation it's very complicated

yeah it gets very complicated

i've never had a prenup never had a prenup

Seems like you could do a prenup where you I've signed prenups for my for my potential wives, but I've never offered a prenup to be signed.

Right.

Seems like you could do one where you offer the alimony.

Like, I'm going to give you double what you.

That's giving up already.

Yeah, that's giving up.

I marry for love.

He marries for love.

I marry for love.

So you have 68 divorces.

That's right.

And you're currently in the middle of that other number, and it's not working out.

It's not working out.

What's the major argument between you?

Oh, I wish there was one.

Her name, first of all, is Franch.

Franch.

Franch.

What kind of name is that?

It's Orpha Franchine.

That doesn't help.

Oh.

I don't think I've heard that one either.

Franchine?

Franchine.

Oh, okay.

Are you pronouncing Francine differently, or is it with an H in there?

Francine?

F-R-A.

Continue.

Okay, go a little further.

I-N-E.

Frenchish.

Now, you know, Scott, all the time we know each other, I'm not a mushmouth.

You know, I speak very

elocute, you know.

Yes, and I appreciate that about you, especially when you can't hear the monitors.

That's right.

All the more reason to speak clearly and distinctly.

Exactimundo.

Monfré.

Fonzi.

Yes.

Fonzie, if he were French.

Fonzi, if he were French, could you imagine?

We.

He would say yes.

What is A in French?

Is it ah?

Ah, ah.

Les du box.

Les du box.

So

French,

she and I are not getting a log.

We're fighting at every little thing, snipping, snapping, sneaping, snoping.

The refrigerator, you leave the refrigerator open too long.

You didn't close this drawer.

Where's the knife?

Where's the spoon?

Which one of you is that?

Is that you or her?

That's both of us.

Don't you see?

Simultaneously?

We're taking turns being the aggressor.

Oh, God.

If somebody,

if I walk in there and she's in a good mood, it puts me in a bad mood and vice versa.

Do you find that your issues with all of your wives are very similar?

No, yes, maybe.

Perhaps.

Is everything due to a lack of communication?

Well, that's really what it all comes down to, doesn't it, Scott?

A lack of communication.

And sometimes, yes, I will go for weeks or months without talking to my wife.

That's too much.

They say never go to bed bed angry.

Well, I don't.

You don't sleep for weeks or months?

No, I don't go to bed angry.

Oh, I've never gone to bed angry.

I'm happy every single time.

Okay, you better.

You know what?

You're fun to sleep.

Yeah.

You better cheer up by the time you get to bed tonight.

Getting into bed, that's what does it.

If I get in between those shoots and I'm like, ah,

time to go away.

I don't understand it.

I have a little two-year-old almost girl, and she doesn't.

When will she be a girl?

We haven't decided yet.

Very progressive of us.

I thought it was her to decide.

No, we were going to decide.

We're going to decide.

But we just wait.

And hear her out.

Just wait.

But she always cries when she goes down for the nap, and it's like, how I envy you right now.

Babies don't get it.

Babies don't get it.

Yeah.

That's why I don't have kids.

Yeah, you've never had kids with any of you.

I never had kids.

Well, because also I can't have kids.

I have a Baron.

I have what is called no motility.

Right.

They're just dead.

They're in your ball set.

They just won't move.

Yeah.

I'm packed to the rafters with semen.

Yeah.

It's just weighing you down.

Yeah, so many sperms.

It's like lugging.

I'm getting so many sperm with a Zoe.

Lugging a five-pound bag around with you.

It's very heavy.

Yeah.

Because they don't get out.

They don't get out?

It's like you want them to move out of the house, but they can't get there.

That's why I wear tennis shorts all the time.

But I don't like...

The thing I don't, I look, kids are very nice, sure.

Yes.

But you have to explain everything to them.

I mean, that's part of parenting, I guess, is like, oh, wow,

they're learning this for the first time, and you're the one telling them that.

Who needs it?

Yeah.

I don't need someone on my house who doesn't understand how things work.

You should have like roommates who are electricians and plumbers and stuff.

I should.

I don't know.

Why?

Because they know how stuff works.

Like everything around you.

Like, you should get

the world's best people in every field.

I'm not having some kind of cult in my home.

Hey, do you know how something works?

Come on over.

Auto mechanic, chef,

laser attack guy.

Zambodi driver?

How much do you think Zambodi drivers know about the Zambodi?

You gotta think.

Like, if it broke down on the ice, do you think they could fix it?

You gotta think they get hired because they know how to fix it.

Because if there's two guys and one guy just sitting there most of the time,

that's inefficient.

If there's two guys and one guy sitting there most of the time,

what guy's the hot shot Zap Bodi driver?

The Days of Thunder style.

Yes.

Zap Bodi pit crew.

You got five guys now.

Putting new bristles in the brush or whatever.

I don't know what's under there.

Except for the bread.

Alimony, Tony.

Come on.

Tony, Tony, come on.

You're doing great.

You're doing great.

So,

at what point do you cut bait?

Okay, Scott.

This is the...

I suppose this is the elephant of the rube.

Yes, I'm thinking about divorce.

Alimony, Tony.

They love you so much that they don't want to hear that kind of thing.

Well, they should try walking a body of my juice.

Are you the one who brings up divorce?

Because you marry for love.

You don't want to get to the pain.

Am I the one who brings up divorce, Scott?

Come on.

Sometimes it's been me.

Sometimes it's been them.

This is where adults here.

Okay, so this is a normal.

You're not holding out saying, I don't, I married for love.

I don't ever want to get divorced.

That's happened sometimes.

Right.

Divorce can enter your mind, and you, as an adventure, it can and it has.

And it has right now, it seems like.

Yes.

Yeah.

Because you mentioned it.

I heard it.

Then now it's in my mind.

Now, it's my fault that you're going to get divorced.

Right now it is.

Well,

what do you do in this situation?

Do you?

Well, we've taken to sleeping in separate houses.

I'm sleeping in the big house, and she's sleeping in the the really big house.

That's nice.

That's gentlemanly.

I think so.

I try to be a gentleman anyway.

So she must know something is coming.

Has she ever brought it up?

Like, maybe we would be happier if we took some time apart.

No, I think she's very...

I hate to talk about her this way, but she drives me crazy.

She's very vindictive and she's mean.

I think she would stay in this marriage just despite me.

Wow, what attracted you to her in the first place?

She's got a very fiery personality.

It sounds like it, but

now that seems to repel you.

It does!

Isn't that interesting?

The thing that attracts you to someone is later the thing that disgusts you the most?

Yeah.

Boobs.

They're just.

They're disgusting.

Maybe you.

Well, I don't know what to do in this situation.

Can I help at all?

Well, let me ask you some questions.

Okay.

All right.

Let's say you were married to someone.

Okay.

And you weren't getting a log.

And let's say this person,

they did a thing where they took razor blades and sort of taped them around a light switch.

So that if someone else were to come in and just sort of swipe up the light switch, so they're sticking out, yes, just enough.

Okay, that's one thing.

Has this happened to you?

Is this purely hypothetical?

Well, let me finish.

Okay,

let's say

a person goes to the refrigerator, they see there's a dozen eggs that are cartoned.

They open up the carton,

and what they find is 12 live baby chicks.

I mean it would be it would be cute.

But they're peeping and screaming because it's freezing in there.

Shouldn't be freezing.

Well for them it's freezing.

They're just little chicks.

True.

I can stay in there all day.

I don't care.

What are refrigerators usually at?

30 something degrees?

I don't know.

Why don't I have a refrigerator guy live with me and tell me?

Let's say

you're going to walk up the stairs or walk down the stairs because it goes both ways.

I would imagine you're so rich, though, you would have stairs that go up and stairs that go down.

And I imagine you have like escalators and elevators.

No, it's very good, personal.

I do have an elevator, yeah, of course.

It's big enough for one person.

Wow.

So you better not be claustrophobic.

Because if you already have a problem with elevators, you're really going to have a problem with this one.

It is like a little coffin that you get it.

There's barely room for the button.

Does the button stick into your belly sometimes when you're.

Sometimes.

Yeah.

Sometimes that's how I'll press the button just push my little belly out

ding

so you're on the stairs I'm about to be on the stairs

and I have so

I love that moment

anything could happen anything

Schrodinger's stairs here we sat on the brink of destiny

and of course in my home I have beautiful polished marble staircases

but they seem a little more polished than usual

because someone has found a clear version of the Nickelodeon slime

and coated all the stairs.

Now, this person,

who shall remain aimless,

I think is trying to do me bodily harm, mess with my mind, and perhaps kill me.

It raises an interesting question.

What's that?

Is the slime clear to begin with and they add food coloring

Or did they degreen it

Scott I'm gonna be straight with you.

I'm not as concerned with the slide process

I Thought that's why you were asking me

I And I provided the other two examples just as an abused bush

So we got to the slide main course

So

Alimony, Tony, are you saying this has happened to you?

I guess, Scott, why would I be making this up?

You're very tiresome tonight.

Tony, I'm sorry.

We're friends.

I'm sorry.

We're friends.

We like each other, yes.

Yes.

Sorry, I'm just a terrible boot.

I know, I know.

Wow.

I mean, yes, it sounds to me like,

I don't know, I'm going to throw out just a hypothetical of my own.

I dare you.

If I were married to a billionaire whom I loathed with every fiber of my being, but I loved his money and I wanted all of it and not just, you know, 10% or whatever.

Are you married in California all the time?

Is it like half?

I've been married all over the place.

Wow.

But I would.

Brief detour.

Fun.

Yeah.

I just wonder if you have to, if your money gets halved every single time you get divorced.

It's different for people like me, Scott.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Also, I mean, the money just keeps coming in.

So it really doesn't matter.

People keep going to space.

They do keep going to space, and they need to write things down to get rid of it.

Yep.

So you're suggesting that Francine is trying to murder me to inherit money.

All of your money, not just some of your money.

Here's the little flaw in your plan that you ascribe to Francine.

She is also independently wealthy.

Really?

What does she do for a living?

She also is the child of someone who invented something.

What did her parents invent, if I may ask?

Earth paper.

What is earth paper?

It's paper made of dirt.

Okay,

yeah.

Why do we need that?

The army uses it

where they're going to devise a plan of attack in the dirt.

They got tired of taking that stick.

Taking a stick.

Sometimes there's not a stick around.

Yeah, that's a big problem when you're in the armed forces.

But the earth paper, very slim.

You can fold it up, put it in your pocket, use a regular old pen.

But it's made of dirt.

Yeah.

Then after you're done with the plan, you just stamp it down.

And no one can ever see it again.

No one.

Wow, I had no idea that the technology was so advanced there in the military right now.

The only thing that Mad Kind has yet to invent is paper made of fire.

Earth, air, water, we've conquered three of the elements.

God, I'm imagining it right now.

I want to use it.

You mustn't.

It will drive you mad.

Anyone who's ever tried to make fire paper has gone insane.

Because how many times have I been there in my study and I'm writing down, you know, blackmail notes and stuff like that?

And then

I crumple it up and throw it in the fire.

Why are you blackmailing so many people?

Oh, you know.

You don't get to where I've been without blackmailing people.

Oh, okay.

And then you throw it in the fire because you don't want the police to ever see, you know.

Exactly.

So you write the note, immediately throw it in the fire.

Yeah.

The perfect crime.

The person doesn't even know they're being blackmailed.

But with fire paper, you write it down and it comes pre-fired so no one can ever touch it.

Exactly right.

This is driving me insane right now.

Exactly.

Scott, you must stop.

Okay, okay, enough.

No, fire paper can't exist.

I remember there was a guy that used to come to my parents' home.

We used to call him

Teddy Matchsticks.

Was that his name?

That's what we used to call him because he always had smoke coming off him.

He was always singed.

He looked like he had suet all over him, like

those chimney sweeps in the Mary Poppins movie.

Hello, Bert!

Hello, Mary Poppins.

Nice to see you.

Are Bert and Mary Poppins imitating each other?

I may have switched their voices.

Who knows what they got up to?

Hey,

you know, it can get pretty freaky.

Do you think they were a thing?

Like...

Right?

I honestly, like...

It seems like she put him in the friend zone.

I don't know about that.

Really?

I think there was something there.

You think they were knocking boots.

I think they were.

I think they were playing hide the salami.

I think they were doing the nasty.

Well,

what were we talking about oh yeah so she's independently wealthy still hung up on married hoppins but because yeah

they go to these magical realms they must have had intense it's just sexual escapades yeah

it's so hot you know like dancing with all those penguins yes yeah maybe they stand around a watch who knows yeah

if you can imagine it it's been done

maybe she wrote stay awake for him because he was always falling asleep on top of her

Right, but Stay Awake was a lullaby designed to make you fall asleep.

Hmm.

It's an ironic title.

It's a lot like that book, Not All Sheep Are Boring.

Anyway,

bye, Bobby Moynihan.

It's designed to get you excited about counting sheep because they're all exciting, and by the end of it, people fall asleep.

Anyway.

Wait, so this guy took the concept of counting sheep and made it into a book?

Yeah, and was.

Is that allowed?

I was thinking of suing him.

In any case, so she's independently wealthy, but I mean, you billionaires, you're all about growth, right?

You're all about pie charts going up.

Scott, Scott, Scott.

We're past billions.

I didn't want to have to say this to you.

You're a trillionaire?

Oh, keep going.

Higher.

Quadrillionaire.

Keep going.

Quintillionaire?

Is that?

Let's just say I do okay.

You're like them in the front row

with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Wait, you're the Morbid Tabernacle Choir?

Yeah.

The two of you?

If only three of the Morbid Tabernacle Choir came in out, would anyone care?

Would that be oppressive?

If only three show up?

Just Just three came out and they sang.

And beautiful voices, of course, but so what?

Do you know what I mean?

Like, you have to have the whole gag, or else who cares?

What if there were a murder?

Now we're talking.

And the only suspects were the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Who's the victim?

Who got murdered?

I guess who's in charge now?

Joseph Smith?

No, he was the original guy.

I don't know if he and the choir ever met.

Okay, we'll say Mike Lee.

The English film director?

Yes.

How lucky?

L-E-I-G-H.

You're right.

But,

and what if they all did it?

Oh, like a murderer on the Order Express.

Yeah.

They all did one stand.

All 100 of them.

More, according to that.

How many?

200?

300?

I have 300.

Do you want to hear more?

This is exciting.

Is it 360, did you say?

300?

Stop talking to him.

I'm sorry, I'm in a bad mood.

Is that so they can all stand in a circle and jerk off looking at each other?

They have one for every angle.

Every degree?

Every degree.

Why is it 365 365 so there's one for every day?

Yeah.

And you're there's a three.

There's a one extra guy who's just waiting every four years.

Every four years he gets to sing with them.

And then one of them goes to every single person's house every day.

What?

I'm still thinking about fire paper.

One of them goes to everyone's house every single day?

Yeah.

Here's what I think.

Mormon Tabernacle Choir starts January 1st.

Yes.

One tabernacle comes out on stage.

Right.

January 2nd.

Two different.

Exactly.

They keep building.

So the end of the year.

How exciting.

December 31st, the whole gag is here.

Wow.

And they sing, what do you do on New Year's Eve?

In 300-part harmony.

Maybe they sing whatever the song of the summer was.

Sure.

Brat.

Yeah, whatever.

Kamala is Brat.

Kamala is Brat, of course.

That's been established.

Hot to go.

I'd love to hear the format of an Echo Choir singing Hot to Go.

Wouldn't that be beautiful?

Beautiful.

Are they required to sing everything like that?

No, no, no.

If you can't sing like that, you're not in.

What if you have a beautiful Aretha-esque voice?

Go peddle your papers somewhere else.

We don't need that.

What we need is woo-woo-woo-woo.

Well, Tony, speaking of peddling your papers, she is the heiress to

Earth Paper.

You're the heir to the gash paper

throne.

I still think that, you know, I mean, it sounds like she's definitely trying to.

Here's what I'm saying.

Here's what I'm saying.

Okay.

When you get to a certain tier of wealth.

It doesn't matter anymore.

It doesn't matter anymore.

You gain perspective.

That's why I feel sad for billionaires.

They're not over it yet.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

It's a relief.

They're still checking the price of milk.

Oh, it's a relief.

Once you get up to 50 zeros,

that's how many zeros.

You realize it's all zeros.

Everything is zeros.

Zero is nothing.

Yes.

Too many zeros.

Way more zeros than the thing at the front of it.

Ah, they're weighing you down.

Exactly.

Except they do free you in a way because it's great to have money.

Where's your money going to go when you die?

Space.

You're going to shoot it up into space like a confetti cannon?

No, I'm kidding.

Ooh, that's not a bad idea.

And then it raised down on the populace?

That would be so cool.

Boy, that's it.

I was just going to divide it amongst all my ex-wives.

That's nice.

Yeah.

Although 69 of them,

now they only get.

I'm trying to think of what 50 zeros would be.

Well, don't.

Okay.

That will also make you go back.

Trying to calculate my wealth will...

it will overwhelm you.

It's like a 7, 18, I don't know.

Anyway,

I don't know.

I think she's trying to kill you.

I wouldn't be surprised.

I wouldn't be surprised if you, some accident happens in this, you know, fake theater that we're in right now.

She's set it up.

These curtains, which are not protecting the backstage people from the audience at all, they could tear those asunder at any moment.

Oh, you thought that they were there for defense?

In any crowd, there could be a madness that overcomes them.

And they storm the side of the building.

We do have counter snipers in the high

locations of the side.

That's right, so if you're sitting at the counter, forget about it.

I don't think she's trying to kill me.

I think she's trying to mess with my head.

It obviously worked.

Look at you.

You're not the same alimony, Tony.

I think, Scott,

I think we're going to get divorced.

It's for the best, guys.

It's for the best.

Look, if it's broken, if it's broken and you can't fix it, it, throw it away.

It doesn't just apply to cars.

Well, Tony, now that you've made the decision, there's one thing I want to remind you.

Yeah.

You're going to be paying alimony, money.

Oh, yeah, baby.

All right.

I'm back.

Yeah, baby.

Does that make you hoardy?

Hey.

I don't get sexual gratification out of paying alimony.

I want that very clear.

I get asked that a lot.

Really?

From Austin Powers impersonators?

Yes.

Okay, they're just.

What is with these guys?

They're just impersonating.

They're not talking to you specifically.

Why have you ever seen the movie?

How do I know?

Oh, you got to see it.

These guys coming up to me.

As a representative of the Austin Powers verse.

I was in Gold Member, of course.

I don't know what that is.

Oh, I envy you not knowing what Gold Member is yet.

Yet?

You're going to be laughing so hard.

Will I recognize you in the film?

Check this out.

Okay.

All right.

Do you recognize me?

I do.

You'll recognize me in the film.

That's great news.

Well, buddy, I'm so happy.

Is that too informal?

I feel like you say that to kids.

Okay.

Call them buddy.

Buddy, buddy.

Well, that's wonderful, buddy.

Good for you, buddy.

Hey, buddy, it's time to go to sleep, buddy.

We'll go to grandma's, buddy.

Put your shoes on, buddy.

No wonder kids are so horrible.

People talk to them that way.

You don't have to.

It's not legally.

But everybody does.

I know.

Isn't it strange?

The first time.

This is what I'm saying.

The first time a buddy slips out of your mouth, it's just like, ah, did I just start with the buddies?

You have a child, though.

I do.

Almost a girl.

Have you started calling her buddy?

I have not.

No, I think it slipped out once.

You can feel it coming.

It's tempting because everyone does it.

All the other people dropping them off everywhere.

Okay, buddy, we're going to do this, buddy.

Ugh.

I feel like we had a great off-ramp.

We did.

With the fact that you were going to play alimony.

Yes, we did.

And now.

What happened, do you think?

We stared at each other.

I don't remember.

I always get nervous when you take the bike all the way away from your mouth.

I feel like that's a real, that's a real fuck you.

That's a real, it's your problem now, buddy.

Well, look, Alimony Tony, I'm so happy.

Thank you.

I can't wait to see you.

I could be the one to tell you that you're going to be paying Alamony.

Thank you.

I'm glad it was you.

You're 69th.

Can we high five?

Yes, of course we can.

Alimony Tony, everybody.

High five gets them every time.

Alimony Tony.

Alamonitoni!

Alamonitoni!

Alamoni Tony!

There's some horse in this horse!

There's some horse in this house!

What are they trying to say about that?

Were they talking about themselves?

I think it was a cheeky little

squeak.

It wasn't them.

It was someone else was saying it.

That was slowing it down again.

Yep.

The best B2B marketing gets wasted on the wrong people, right?

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I know I visited the website, but I saw it already.

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All right,

Tony,

our next guest,

I'd like to remind you that our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ started out as a humble carpenter.

Okay.

And so did our next guest.

She is a pop star.

Please welcome Sabrina Carpenter.

Sabrina Carpenter, everyone.

Come in at me,

especially.

Coming at me, I'm not

coming.

Come on at me, come the home.

Some deal inside.

Some of these, some of them so.

Someone he won't know.

I'm working late.

Sabrina Carpenter.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

I didn't catch a lot of those lyrics.

Wow, it is awesome to be here tonight.

What a cool basketball theater turned into an auditorium.

What's a basketball theater?

I never heard the term before, but I think she's nailed it.

Where you go to see intimate games of basketball in a black box.

I just see every space as a potential performance space.

So even sports are really just a performance, aren't they?

Yes.

Woo!

Woo!

Sabrina, it's a pleasure to have you on the show.

Of course, I'm a big fan of all of your work.

Of course.

I mean, I have the song of the summer.

Hit it.

That was my hit.

What was the last thing you said?

Espresso.

Okay.

That's of course the title of the song, Espresso.

Me espresso, that's right.

What's the set before that?

Coming up me?

It's

coming out here, coming out home, summon a cheek on a mom.

When I'm in a keys, I'm gonna

espresso.

I really appreciated it to hear the a cappella version.

Yeah.

You know, Sabrina, I do song parodies in my spare time.

We never talked about that.

Under the name Weird Amodi Alamodi Tony.

And would you mind if I did a parody of your song right right now?

Oh my god, I would love that.

All right, here we go.

Hit it.

Did I do it?

I'm working late.

That was so good.

Thank you.

Oh my gosh.

I hope you don't buy by taking liberties with the lyrics.

Crazy, yeah, I know.

One of the rare song parodies that has the exact same lyric at the end.

Exactly.

But it's spelled differently.

How are you spelling espresso?

M-E-E.

Oh, oh, okay.

Espresso.

Is that what you mean?

Why?

Why go so slow?

I feel like I can't see both of you.

I'm going to go like this.

I can see your cutie little faces.

Hi, Sabrina.

Hi.

It's so wonderful to talk to you.

A big fan.

You, of course, started out as an actor on shows like Girl Meets World.

That's right.

That's the show Boy Meets World, but with a girl.

Kind of like this show, how there's just one girl.

This one was tough to put together.

Let's go fly to Utah in the middle of the summer.

And then obviously,

yeah, I just kind of transitioned into music and I have been blowing up

mainly also because I am dating quite a big actor right now.

I had no idea.

Who are the biggest actors now?

John Travolta,

Kevin Spacey.

No.

But both of them are really cool and hot.

No, I'm dating Barry Keogan.

Yeah, the guy that drank the bathwater.

Yeah.

Yeah, the guy that fucked the dirt

that is my boy cool yeah that's so that's so great is it uh do you have a name for your partnership your your relationship

what's that a couple portmanteau yeah well I guess we just call ourselves um uh

severi

a little close to Smarrows

do you ever get confused for that where people come up and ask you for pizza?

All the time.

You know, we're just out there all over each other, and people are like, Can I get a pizza?

Can I get a piece of pizza that tastes like literally nothing?

Like a cardboard, like a piece of cardboard with cheese.

Yeah.

What about Key Arpenter?

That has, I don't know, so much ring to it, but I kind of like suspicion.

So much story.

But I'm so excited to be in Utah tonight, you guys.

Yeah, so are we.

Yeah, I love Utah.

I love them.

They love it here.

So much to do.

So much to see.

So many places to go.

I want to be where the people

can go.

Live.

I want to go the

people go.

Mormon Tabernacle Choir doing Under the Sea.

Go.

Under the sea.

Life is much better.

Well,

I'm in Utah because I am on a mission of sorts, actually.

Wow.

I mean, a lot of times people leave Utah to go on missions.

I know, but I'm you're here to be on a mission.

I'm on a mission in Utah.

Wow.

I know.

Never, no one's ever done it.

You think that ever, like, you think that ever.

It's a real position, heal thyself moment.

Do you think a Mormon ever, it's like when you join, you know, oh, World War II, I'm going to go join the army, and then you're, like, stationed at a base in your hometown?

Like, do they ever go on a mission?

It's like, well, you're going to be just, you know, kind of around

here.

It does happen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why would they leave this place undefended?

That's what I say.

I think they should build a wall.

You know,

the Jehovah's Witnesses are trying to invade Utah.

So, what is your mission?

What are you here to do?

Well, I was recently hired by Starbucks, the company.

Yeah.

Speaking of mermaids.

Speaking of mermaids,

I wasn't there for that part.

No, we just sang under the sea.

I don't remember that.

I blacked it out.

Okay.

Yeah, I got hired by them.

They're paying me $900 million

to

get Mormons into coffee.

Wow.

Yeah.

Obviously my big hit, Ni Espresso, they were like, this is a no-brainer.

Let's get her on the ground.

Boots on the ground.

Boots on the ground boots with the fur tits on the ground yeah

ass in the ass up face down ass up that's the way I like to fall

that's the way I like to fall

so

because Mormons traditionally don't drink caffeine right and they don't fuck either

but yes, they don't drink caffeine.

And obviously, there's some gray area because some people drink sodas sometimes.

I've heard.

I've heard rumor.

Are they allowed to drink seven up?

Crystal clean, no calf.

They could drink seven up.

Yeah.

And they, Dr.

Pepper, too, right?

No caffeine.

Dr.

Pepper doesn't have caffeine?

How the fuck am I drinking that?

For the delicious taste.

The delicious taste of prune.

Good.

So, Starbucks brought you here, flew you here.

What are you doing in order to get

I am basically on the ground kind of doing word of mouth?

So, I just have these sayings that I've been saying around town just to get in people's ears.

Get Mormons to crave coffee and really just get after that espresso.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

Maybe we could hear some of these.

Maybe these people after the show would all go to Starbucks and get a nice pick-me-up.

Let's take a look here.

One of the ones that Starbucks told me to say is: feeling sluggish?

Try Starbucks' new white chocolate Java chip mochaccino sweet cream latte with crunchy crumbs.

One sip, and you'll feel Brigham Young again.

So imagine me, I'm just kind of walking around Salt Lake.

Saying that.

And

maybe I spot a woman with a braid or a dress.

That's when I launch into my campaign.

And it's been working.

It's been working.

I mean, could we sort of role play this?

Absolutely.

Can I be the woman with the braid or the dress?

Do I have to pick?

Whatever you want, sweetie pie.

Okay.

Thank you, Sabrina.

I'll be the tree.

Do you want me to say the same line I said before?

No, you can say something different.

That's fine.

Oh, awesome.

Oh, I'm going to miss those crunchy crumbs.

Good point.

Can you put crunchy crumbs into it?

Absolutely.

I'll totally insert that in.

Okay, great.

Here we go.

That's what she said.

Absolutely.

That is what she said.

No, I heard it.

Then why are you glaring at me?

It's a slippery slope, dear boy.

All right, here we go.

Okay, so.

Feeling hot in the summer sun?

Cool off with Starbucks' new white chocolate vanilla sweet cream oat foam shigorado with Joseph Smith's golden foam.

One sip, and you'll feel just like the first president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints when he got married to his 40th wife.

I couldn't help but notice a lack of crunchy crubs in there.

This is when I'm following her home.

So she's already gotten her.

Stay away from me.

She's already home, and I stop her, and I go.

I'll be the tree that's outside the house.

Honey, please!

I forgot my keys, please.

Let me.

I'm in the house.

You take the outdoors in.

So, are you in the house?

I'm married to a tree.

Wait, am I the husband?

At a tree?

Yeah.

All right.

Honey, honey.

What is it, dear?

Grow your branches out through the window.

I forgot my keys, and someone crazy was following me.

It's gonna take too long.

Hey,

what is it?

What do you want?

Don't forget about crunchy crumbs.

Hit it.

I'm working late.

Cause I ain't a singer.

and it looks so cute.

Mom, mum, wink,

mama, mama.

I think that worked.

It actually did make me want one of those.

Yeah, it's been working like crazy.

I mean, if you're looking around Salt Lake right now, now, you guys, all of the Starbucks have been flooded by sister wives and one man with them.

Sabrina, they ask a question.

Yeah.

Have you seen any of them actually drink the coffee after you've talked to them?

I have,

but obviously I have to go back to their house to watch them drink it.

So I just.

So they buy it, they take it straight home.

Exactly, exactly.

But yeah, like, I'm just like, I'm so proud of myself, honestly.

And to be honest, Barry is really proud of me too.

Do you mind if I give him a call?

Yeah, let's call Barry.

This is Barry.

Kyogan, my boyfriend, my famous boyfriend.

Yeah, Keogan.

Hello?

It's ringing.

Hello.

Can you turn it up even slightly?

Barry, is that you?

It's my girlfriend, so bring the character to her.

Hey, Dave, I was just talking about you.

Uh, yeah, I was staring off into the corner of the room and thinking about you.

That's so awesome, babe.

I have been rocking it, making everybody drink coffee in Salt Lake.

Oh, babe, does your dream come true.

Can I ask Barry a question?

Where are you from?

I'm from the rolling green hills of England, United Kingdom.

Checks out.

No further questions.

Barry, it was so good to talk to you, babe.

I'll call you soon, okay?

What?

I want to stay on the phone and talk with you.

You are my girlfriend.

Babe, can you say that one famous line from Saltburn?

I'm about to fuck the grave.

Okay, that was awesome.

I'll call you soon.

Bye, Barry.

We love you.

Bye, Barry.

We love you.

Wow.

She hung up.

Yeah, so I mean my work is changing the world.

Yeah, it's incredible.

Are you going to do this worldwide?

I am, I think, but or do you think it'll be more of a domino effect?

Well, the thing is, I've learned there are Mormons.

I almost said margaritas.

There are margaritas all over the world.

There are Mormons all over the world because they spread their religion places.

So my plan is to go where the Mormons go and convert them to coffee.

I want to go where the Mormons go.

to

coffee

Mormons

So yeah,

so yeah,

That's a great point.

So yeah.

So yeah, my next stop.

My next stop is somewhere, you know, where all the Mormons go.

What's that?

Ballroom Dancing competitions?

Columbia.

That was closer.

Columbia.

I didn't realize so many Mormons went to Columbia.

They are constantly going there.

Do you mean the college?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

Most people think they go to Brigham Young University, but no, they go to Columbia.

Yeah, they have a a big roster there.

So I picture myself just walking around the campus going, dairy-free?

No problem.

Try Starbucks' new dairy-free nitro cold brew caramelita dolce blast with blended oatmeal chunks and dry toast.

One sip, and you'll feel as good as Real Housewife Salt Lake City Lisa Barlow when Jen Shaw went to prison for defrauding old people.

How long were they in for?

Jen Shaw?

Yeah.

She's still in there.

Still in there.

Oh, yeah.

She's going to be in there a long time.

Really?

We love that for her.

We love that for her.

She's giving prison realness.

She is.

It's just, it's so fun when they go to prison on those shows.

Yeah.

I feel like if you sign up for one of those shows, you should agree to go to prison for a little bit as well.

I think so too.

You know?

I mean, I think it's pretty common at this point to go, like, Teresa Judais.

She was in there for a while.

Obviously, Jen Shaw.

It would be great if, like, on Vanderpump Rules, if you know, when Scandoval happened, he had to go to jail for it.

It'd be good.

Hit it.

Are we hitting it?

wonder

Samana E, Samana.

I'm sat me, I spot some.

I'm working late.

Singer, Samanu so cute.

There's a month up on it.

I'm counting be

coming to get this callin'.

You won't get sweet.

Sophrina Carper Carpenter, everyone.

I turned around and I didn't see you.

I was hiding.

I thought maybe you went to the bathroom and I was like, I gotta really,

I've got to really work the crowd.

Is this the altitude or are we old as shit?

I shouldn't have had so much Mexican food before.

We have the

best Mexican food in Salt Lake City.

I ate two chili reinos really close to a toilet.

And I've never felt better in my whole life.

I housed three chicken flouters like the earth was about to implode.

You know, when you

think about game day,

you might not think Wayfair, right?

I mean, they're two.

One's two words and one's one word, first of all.

That's confusing right off the bat.

And then they're totally different letters, although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair and the W and

the Y is in both.

I mean, this is pretty similar, actually.

Game day, Wayfair.

I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair, right?

Wayfair is the best kept secret for incredible and affordable game day finds, whether you're upgrading your tailgate with coolers that stay cold or patio heaters that stay hot.

Cold things should stay cold and hot things should stay hot, right?

Wayfair has something for every style and every home, no matter your space or your budget.

They even have decor and merge from your favorite sports teams.

And the best part, Wayfair offers free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff.

And when you're talking big stuff, here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day.

I mean, when I say I, I mean Kulop.

Kulop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff.

She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween.

A rabbit sitting with a ladybug.

I guess that's year-round.

That can just stay out there forever.

So, yeah.

So, Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes.

In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day, from coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers.

Shop, save, and score goal

today at Wayfair.com.

That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com.

Wayfair, every style, every home.

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Hey, what's up, subscribers?

Welcome back to the channel.

So which variety of Dunkin' at Home coffee is your fave?

Original blend, French vanilla, or hazelnut?

Drop a comment.

What are you?

Oh,

this is what I do when I'm home alone.

Drink Dunkin' Original Blend or pretend you're an influencer.

Both.

Want a cup?

Hey, let's do a taste test for the audience.

Okay, how's this?

The rich, smooth taste of Duncan at home is unmatched.

Nice.

You're a natural.

The home with Duncan is where you want to be.

All right, well, we need to get to our next guest.

Obviously, a lot is going on in the world these days.

Like what?

Mainly in politics.

Oh, sure.

Oh, yeah.

Trying to catch my breath.

I was doing

high kicks, yeah.

Yeah, you were like trying to be a Dallas Comedy child.

Doing the jump split.

Jump split.

Yeah.

They shouldn't do that anymore, right?

No.

Every single one of them says that they have spinal problems because of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not good to do.

No.

Woo!

I would like one of those makeovers that they give the girls, though.

I don't know why you don't do that for comedy bang bang.

I know.

Where I kind of look at you as you walk in and I go like, oh, your highlights are just.

Well, if you think about it, when you have guests on your podcast, everyone's, it's just all audio.

And then you bring your guests in front of these big crowds, and it's like, they're not ready for that.

Yeah.

No one's ready to see what they really look like.

You think we need HMU?

I do.

I think we need lots of bronzer, too.

Well, let's get to our next guest.

There's a lot going on in the news.

He's a political strategist.

He's here to talk to us about all of that.

Please welcome, first time on on the show, Fairleigh Longfellow.

Fairley Longfellow.

Fairly Longfellow, so great to meet you.

Scott, I'm not going to lie to you.

I hope not.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

Okay,

it's getting bad out here.

Yeah, what's going on?

So, let me explain who I am first.

Okay, you've never met me before.

Let me explain who I am.

Magician.

I'm a magician of sorts.

Because I make magic, I create things.

What I create, you ever get a text message from a politician about a prop or anything?

A proposition?

A proposition.

A preposition, a turn of phrase.

So, like when prop 13 comes out,

you get a text message from someone.

Someone who.

We don't know who it is.

Right.

Oh.

Do you want to switch it up?

Do you think it's because you said the number 13?

Oh, that's what it is.

You can't say that proposition number.

Okay, so proposition 12 plus one.

Whenever there's a proposition 14, we all know it's really proposition 13.

Exactly.

It's like a hotel.

So you don't know who these text messages are from?

They're from me.

They're from you.

Yes.

I've been getting a lot lately.

You do?

Yeah, I've been getting,

up until Sunday, it was like, Joe Biden needs your support.

Because he does, Scott.

He needs your support.

And I thought they would end on Sunday afternoon.

Nope.

We're still coming.

I got some new ones for you tonight.

How many signatures do they need for that thank you card?

They need a lot of signatures.

i can't keep signing it the thank you is invalid if they don't have six million signatures it's an invalid thank you it's an empty and empty thank you it's like it's like when somebody goes oh do you like my new haircut and they go

it's like that it's like that if they don't get six million you have to understand this so i came to let you know i'm just i just decided to come here in person thank you yeah

we love to have political strategists on the show it's a lot like pod safe america or yes or stuff like that so but you're the guy who writes these text messages.

Yeah.

And you're here to do what now?

Send them to you in person.

Oh, okay.

The personal touch.

A personal touch.

Scott, I'm not going to lie to you.

I see.

Okay.

Don't respond.

You don't respond yet.

Okay.

Scott, I'm not going to lie to you.

I'm sorry to text you this late, but Joe Biden needs your help.

If you could please just reach into that wallet and donate anything you can.

Tech stop to quit.

What does Joe Biden need my help?

Scott, these are not the important questions.

The important question is: what are you doing right now?

Can you take out your wallet, give me your debit card number, expiration date,

code,

security code on the back?

Three numbers, four if you have an American Express.

Scott, this is not time to be asking about it.

Tech stop to quit.

Shouldn't the other cars have had four once American Express was like, we got four?

Like, wouldn't you be, if you were Visa, wouldn't you be like, yeah, yeah, we have four too?

I think three sets you apart.

Three is a magic number.

I told you I was a magician.

Well, I don't know that I would respond to that one.

I'm sorry.

No?

No.

How about this?

Scott, you up?

Because I'm trying to fuck.

Up your bank account.

Please Please donate anything you can Joe Biden needs your help

Tech stop to unsubscribe

That seems out of character for Joe Biden

There's there's so much going on in the world right now.

Joe Biden can't be sticking to the character you think he is

What's going on with Joe?

Why does he need so much help?

Scott

I'm about to tell you through this, though.

Okay, yeah.

Because you want to know?

I'm about to tell Scott, but you be listening because I'm actually talking to you.

Scott,

I have COVID.

And the only thing that can save me is if you reach down into your wallet, take out your credit card, donate anything you can.

Pennies, nickels, dimes.

Tech stop to unsubscribe.

Joe, he distributed the vaccines.

That's the only way, I mean.

And he didn't take one for himself.

That's how selfless he is.

He didn't take one for himself.

He gave his Takamala?

He gave his Takamala.

Wow.

He took Johnson and Johnson, but it was just lotion.

It was a vial of lotion, Scott.

You got to check.

You got to check.

You have to check.

Anytime you're getting any kind of injection, always ask if it's lotion.

They have to tell you.

They have to tell you.

That is your right to ask.

It's just like when you're pulled over by a cop, you say, what are you pulling me over for?

When you go get a vaccine, you say, is this lotion?

And a person at CVS or Walgreens, whatever you have here, probably goes, Ah,

you got me.

You got me, Scott.

Yeah.

Is it the way you're holding it?

It might be.

Let me hold it like this: Liam Gallagher style.

Scott, the altitude here is giving me sickness.

Sickness.

And the only thing that can solve this

is a bit of a donation

from you.

I know you got it.

I know you got it.

Text off to unsubscribe.

I still, I don't think I would do it because honestly, I've gotten some that are like 500% matches, 700% matches, 900% matches.

You haven't said you're going to match anything.

Okay, is that what you want?

Scott, I got a book of matches in my pocket.

And I will light this bitch on fire.

Everybody in here will be roasted.

And you can save them.

All I need is a $5 donation.

Joe Biden will set this place on fire.

All you need is a $5 donation.

Text out to subscribe.

You can't burn down this beautiful school auditorium.

This is beautiful.

Think of the kids.

Also, you didn't answer my question.

No.

About Joe.

Is Joe okay?

What's going on with Joe?

Yeah, I haven't watched the news in a few years.

What's going on with Joe Biden?

You know what?

Why don't I tell you in a way that you can understand?

Okay, sir.

I'm working late

because I'm a singer.

And it's not giving me enough money, so I need Scott to donate.

Being a singer at night is not giving me enough money.

I'm working all throughout the night to collect donations.

Joe Biden is a singer and he's working late.

You're working all throughout the night?

That's when you're a singer, you said.

Yes, I'm singing for tips.

I'm busking

in the middle of a bus station.

It's dangerous.

I've been stabbed.

And the only thing that can stitch up that wound is a donation from you, Scott.

Whatever you can give, Joe Biden has been stabbed to answer your question

in a bus station while he was busking.

In a bus station.

Because the buses don't run there anymore because that's the economy because we don't have enough money.

Scott,

please tech stop to unsubscribe.

Stop?

It doesn't work.

Damn it.

I'll just come back with a different name.

Anyway, what's up with you?

It's not really important.

Joe Biden was stabbed.

I knew something was up with him.

Do that.

Where was he stabbed?

In the head or the heart or the butt?

He was stabbed in the butt.

In the crease, under the butt cheek, at the top of the thigh, the back thigh.

The part that tastes so, so good.

Try it tonight.

Couples, try it tonight.

I urge every couple in this room to taste the bottom of the butt cheek right where it creases.

And don't shower yet.

Don't shower before you do it.

It's 102 degrees here in Salt Lake City.

Don't shower.

Go straight home, throw your partner on the bed, taste that crease.

And after you're done doing that, donate to Joe Biden.

He needs your help.

That's one of the text messages.

Everybody in here just got that one.

Text out to unsubscribe.

It won't work.

You can unsubscribe all day.

I'll still be there.

I already got your number, bitches.

Are these just coming to me or are they going going out to everyone?

Some people.

Some people.

Some people.

Not one of the choices.

Some people.

You.

Others.

Are you a political guy?

Do you know anything about politics?

I try to stay out of politics.

I try to stay out of it.

I got friends on both sides.

What kind of podcasts do you listen to?

Because sometimes that can be a hint.

Oh,

Kill Tony.

The Joe Rogan experience.

The Milos Yannanopoulos experience.

So you have friends on both sides.

I got friends on both sides.

I don't want to.

Listen, I played college baseball.

Some have tiki torches, some aren't carrying them.

Yes.

They all have tiki torches.

It's just different

that they have them.

Different reasons.

What's going on with this mic now?

Do you want to switch back?

So I didn't switch at all.

You never switched?

No.

Switch?

So who?

So the person holding one right in front of your face.

New mic.

Who this?

It's Scott.

And I need your money.

Wait, you're me now?

I'm you.

Ladies and gentlemen of Salt Lake City, it's Scott Auckerman.

I need your help.

I'm coming to you.

I wouldn't just come to you for no reason, okay?

You all support me.

You're all here.

You're all supporting me in this high school gymnasium.

I need you to support me in one more way.

Can you guess what it is?

You think it is.

You think it's muddy.

But what it actually is, is licking the crease between the bottom of my butt cheek and the top of my thigh.

Again, this is Scott Alkerman talking to you.

Tech stop to unsubscribe.

Scott, I'm so sorry to say, but Mormons don't have sex.

So unfortunately, a lot of these people aren't going to go home and lick each other's assholes like you want them to be.

I did not say assholes, I would never disrespect these Mormon people like that.

I did not say assholes,

I said thigh crease.

Now, if your tongue slips,

you're just trying to get to the tongue slipping.

It's not up to me.

I have friends on both sides of the ass.

Left cheek, right cheek,

left cheek, right cheek,

left cheek, right cheek.

Everybody, left cheek, right cheek.

And those of you who didn't do it, I know you're the main ones licking ass.

Your trap worked.

Gotcha.

I should have has on a Dr.

Pepper t-shirt.

No, that doesn't.

Oh, man, we were just talking about this.

No, that's it.

No, it's Dr.

Peck Peck.

Dr.

Peck Peck.

Don't know what that is.

Dr.

Peck Peck.

Is that what it's called when you put the coffee creamer inside of it?

Do you guys drink that?

Do you drink the coffee creamer inside of the Dr.

Pepper with a little bit of lime juice?

Raise your hands if you do that.

Thank you so much.

You people specifically, I need your help.

It was only 10 people.

10 donations is more than zero.

For just one cup of Dr.

Pepper with coffee creamer and lime juice in it, you could be saving this country's democracy.

Joe Biden was caught in a wrestling match that he did not expect to be in.

And he hurt his ankle.

Oh my God.

He hurt his ankle.

He twisted his ankle.

It's light.

It's a light spray.

He's okay.

But he also has COVID.

No.

He got it again since he tested pot or negative today?

Well, he was deemed negative today.

Right.

And in the wrestling match, when he hurt his ankle, it kind of opened up a blood vessel.

Then he got back in.

Yeah.

Who is he fighting in there?

Huh?

Who is he fighting?

Roman Reigns.

Captain America

That's a tough bout and now he needs your money speaking of bout are you about to take out your wallet and send me some money

Joe Biden needs your help

Check stop to unsubscribe

Scott I have to go

what he just got out here have to go

please stay please fairly out to two signals.

We're so high up we are so high up right now

They're used to it.

We're new here.

They're used to it.

We are new here.

We're new in town.

New friend in town

lately.

Our new friend in town.

Alimony Tony.

Yes, hello.

You're used to giving money away.

Yes, fairly.

Yes, I am.

This is Kamala Harris.

Oh, hello.

My friend Joe Biden needs you.

Is that so?

Keep me out of it.

My friend Joe Biden needs your help, Alimony Tony, for just one Alimony payment.

That's not bad.

You're going to be doing 69 of them right now.

It's a lot of money, though.

It's a lot of money.

Yeah.

That should be going to an ex-wife.

But what if it went to democracy?

I've got friends on both sides.

Is this Kamala still?

Kamala has friends on both sides.

No, this is Scott Alkerman.

What?

Scotty, what's happening?

Hey!

Scott, who are your friends on both sides?

I'd love to know.

Comedians.

Comedians?

Tim Dylan.

That's it.

That's my only friend.

He flip-flops a lot.

Scott, I gotta go.

Okay, no.

Please stay here.

I have to catch a train at the Union Pacific station.

You can't just throw out local references for applause.

Union Pacific.

This city has a train station.

Where are you headed, felling?

I am hauling lumber back into this country's lumber towns.

Where did it come from?

Lumbertown.

And you're taking your towns?

The town's where lumberjacks live.

Right.

And

what I need to get there

is coal.

Okay.

And coal costs money.

Right.

Sabrina Carpenter, you have plenty of it.

That's right.

So, Scott, if you could donate...

The fake out got me again.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm not going to donate anything.

I mean, I don't even think that you really

know Joe Biden.

What?

Me?

Have you ever met Joe Biden?

Me?

Who?

No, you.

I'm talking about you.

Me?

Yes.

Stop asking me.

No, you.

Man, please.

Me and Joe Biden go way back.

When's the last time you saw Joe Biden?

I named his nickname.

I named his middle name.

I named him Joseph Robinette.

His mother asked me,

I cannot think of a middle name for this person, but I expect

she called her kid a person.

I cannot think of a nickname.

I cannot think of a middle name for this person.

She was flip-flopping between nicknames and middle names.

She settled on middle name.

Yeah.

His nickname is Chunky.

Chucky?

Not after the famous Chucky.

Chunky, what?

Either cheese or the doll.

Not Chucky.

What'd you say?

Chunky.

Chunky?

His nickname is Chunky.

Please do not disparage my good friend, Charles Entertainment Cheese.

I have friends on both sides.

And Charles Entertainment, he is on one of those sides.

You take a guess what it is.

All right, fairly long fellow, everyone.

Fairly long fellow.

I have to go.

I have to go.

Please stay.

Please stay.

All right.

I'll stay.

But only for a little bit longer.

Only for a little bit longer.

We only have a long time.

We only have a golden retriever

around here.

That's it.

We only have a...

I'm sorry.

Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt your fucking show.

Sir, please.

I'm looking for my two fucking golden retrievers.

Has anybody seen them?

No, don't, no, don't clap at me.

I'm not part of this nonsense.

No, it's fine.

Has anybody seen them?

You guys seen two?

I'm missing my two fucking golden retrievers.

What kind of aisle is this?

Goes nowhere.

This guy's spreading his legs like he wants me to come and exit right there.

That's not going to happen.

That's not going to happen.

That's not the type of...

What kind of town is this?

Is spreading your legs for me?

Not tonight.

Hi.

Oh, sorry.

You got a question?

Oh, okay.

Hi.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Sorry, sorry.

I got a job to do right now.

I'm looking for my two golden retrievers.

We're in the middle of a show.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry to inter because my two dogs aren't more important than your fucking show.

From what I'm looking at back there, I was back there for a minute.

This doesn't look like a show.

It looks like you're just fucking around on stage.

A show is rent.

Go see rent.

What are you guys doing?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

No, my hometown, Medford, Massachusetts, they did a they yeah, okay.

What what

wait, is that Pudge?

Yeah, my name is Pudge.

I'm looking for my two

golden retrievers.

Scott Auckman, comedy bang bang, you've interrupted our show before.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you doing here in Salt Lake City?

What am I doing?

I'm looking for my two golden retrievers.

Sweet Caroline.

Sweet Caroline.

Oh, fuck off.

No.

Come on.

That's not what this is about.

This is about finding, and they come into America.

And I haven't found them yet.

I've been on a hunt looking for them.

And I'm sorry if it's interrupting your entertainment.

Yeah, it's okay, Pudge.

We can look for your...

Has anyone seen these two golden retrievers?

Has anybody seen them?

No, don't back at me.

No, this is serious.

My wife is pissed at me.

Can you imagine someone loses their dog and says, have you seen my dog?

And you go, roof, roof.

Yeah, that hurts.

What the fuck, dude?

My baby's been kidnapped.

Goo, goo, goo.

I have a...

My wife, my wife is livid.

You're married?

She's...

Yes, I'm married.

This has never come up, Pudge.

It absolutely has.

Go, you know, listen to some of the things I've interrupted.

It's definitely come up.

I am married, and she's a beautiful woman.

Hey, she's a big woman.

But she's a beautiful woman.

She's a big, beautiful woman, and I love her.

She just got twice.

She got two cats last week to try to replace the golden retriever.

What are the names?

What?

What are the names?

Alamoni Tony, a comedy by guest.

Alamoni Tony, nice to meet you.

Yeah, well, she's a big Bruce Springsteen fan, so they have different names.

Lenny guessed.

No, they have different names.

They have different names.

Do you want to take a a guess?

Yeah, let me guess.

Bruce.

She didn't name the same thing.

Dancing in the Dak.

Sure.

Dancing in his.

That's a little, that's a little black and white cookie.

Right.

And born in the USA.

Little piece of shit.

That thing gets into a lot of trouble.

Bad news is they're lost already.

They're also lost.

She left the door open.

Hey, you know what's a great idea, everybody?

Put some fucking stairs up to the stage so I don't have to linger here.

No, Pudge, we don't want you to like a goddamn maniac.

Hey, what are we in?

Are we in a goddamn YMCA?

Does this come?

Is there a pool in here?

What is this show?

You think there's a retractable floor like in It's a Wonderful Life where there's a I don't know.

I'm not your fucking manager.

Climb on those speakers or whatever they are.

Oh, just climb.

Like I'm not a 22-year-old kid.

Oh, dear.

Oh.

All right, Pudge, everyone.

Pudge is here.

That was mostly me.

Admit it.

Admit it.

That was mostly me.

As harrowing as that was to watch, it went better than I thought it was going to.

Yeah.

It's nice to see you guys.

Go on with your show.

This is all open, right?

This is free to use?

Yeah.

Until about

7 a.m.

when the principal comes.

This is a fucking school?

Yeah.

Alright, I'm going to take a leak back here.

No, Pudge, please, please.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

I've got to take a quick little leak.

Hey, don't take it.

Don't take it.

No.

Let me give everyone a view.

You don't need to.

Don't, don't take.

You're not one of those leakers that takes your pants all the way down.

Why?

What's that?

Why take your pants all the way down?

Why not?

You can almost see the crease.

Oh, Jesus.

Please, sir.

Now you can.

So the crease is, it's this crease right there.

That's the crease.

Can you point out the crease?

Can everybody, please, can everybody whistle right now?

Everybody whistle.

The Andy Griffin theme song.

There it is.

There it is.

That's that good thick stream I was looking for.

Okay.

I feel like there has to be some decency laws in this town.

We are in violation now.

Okay.

Are we going to get arrested?

I'm not getting arrested.

Is that legal?

Is that legal what I just did?

You exposed yourself in a children's school.

You are now on the offender list.

You are going to jail.

You are going to jail, period.

This has been hot.

Finish with your pants before you come back.

Please just sit down, Pudge.

Yeah.

Button up your pants, belts, everything.

You know,

this is a a problem, you know?

You guys are sitting here doing this show and you're gazing off into the distance, you know, and you're not worried about what I have to do.

Huh?

Finding my Goldens.

Do you care?

I mean, you've been coming on this show for years at this point.

You haven't found them in between us meeting.

Oh,

I should just give up.

At this point, I mean, they've been gone for how long at this point?

They've been gone for a good four or five years.

Have you tried putting up flyers?

Have I tried?

That's all I've done.

I've been everywhere in the United States putting up flyers.

You haven't seen one of my flyers?

No.

Well, they're everywhere.

They say lost dogs, and then it gives a phone number, 310-980-4053.

And people have called in with leads.

I'll be honest, they've called in with leads.

They've sent some pictures.

It sounds like a real phone number, that's for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah,

and people are always like, hey, you're from Medford, fucking Massachusetts.

Why do you have a California number?

Yeah, why is that?

Fuck off.

You know what?

It's T-Mobile.

They have no rules.

It's anarchy there.

Yeah.

Pull your pants up.

What are you doing with your pants now?

Pull your pants up.

What do you have there?

What's in your pocket?

I'm eating an uncrustable.

I'm sorry.

Anybody want one?

Go fuck yourselves.

Go

buy your own fucking uncrustables.

What am I going to bring 100 uncrustables up on stage?

Have you had one of these?

No, what are they?

Try a bite.

No.

Don't be a fucking donkey.

Try a bite.

Scott, don't be a donkey.

Don't be a donkey.

Try a bite of the uncrustable.

That was so close to everything that I just saw.

Scott's not a donkey.

He's an elephant.

He's one of my friends on the other side.

Not that.

You took it from the wrong side.

That's what she said?

I didn't say anything.

Sorry.

So it's just like a PB ⁇ J that's been smashed?

Yeah.

It's like it's uncrustable.

Fucked.

It's like it's an unbelievable sandwich.

It simply cannot be crusted.

Okay?

Hell no.

No, I saw you touching your dick and then you touched that and then you gave it to Scott and Scott ate it.

So in a lot of ways...

In a lot of ways, you just ate a little piece of my dick.

In a lot of ways, I'm saying, you know?

I guess I didn't really think about the chain of custody before I took that bite.

All right.

It's all right.

Where do all these people, these people pay to see you?

I don't know.

I hope not.

Everybody here won a radio giveaway.

It looks like.

They all tried to win a card and ended up here.

Try Mitt Romney's Super Cheddar Chookie Bites.

Available now at Starbucks.

you guys paid you guys paid for this every single one of you whether you believe it or not or whether you want to face it you're going home tonight and you're gonna get in bed and be like

unless you lick that crease

and then you're gonna go yum

what's in your other pocket you have another one in there

How is he housing these without any milk?

You want to give that one away?

What are you going to do?

Hey, no, that guy's leaving.

Hey, where are you going?

Where are you going?

Bro.

That guy brought earphones to put on when he was like, I don't like this.

His hat is lighting up.

You ready?

Are you ready for this?

He's just turned on his hat.

Here you go.

Hold on.

Can you catch?

Wait, wait, wait.

I have an idea.

I have an idea.

What?

The guy who's spreading his legs?

Sir, get back to spreading your legs.

Let me see if I can.

Can you hit his dick from here?

No, sir, get out of the line of fire.

Not you.

That guy wants me to skip rocks right over here.

Extra points if you get it in his asshole.

Now he wants to see it.

Now he's like, oh, no, I better get back to my seat.

All right, hold on.

I'm going to put this down, whatever this is.

I don't even know what that thing is.

Oh, so close.

So close.

Not bad at all.

So close.

We're so close.

He'll eat it in one bite.

She's a fucking man.

In one bite?

He's a fucking man.

Oh,

in three or four bites.

Three or four bites.

Sir, I'm so sorry you were supposed to touch your dick first.

No, I got it.

I touched it.

You touched it.

Okay, good.

This is the first night of a very long engagement.

Is that correct?

Yes.

It's the first night of two weeks.

Okay.

Involving a lot of travel.

Maybe not a lot of sleep.

Yep.

And this is the first night?

This is the first night.

Okay.

You guys do this more than once?

Thank you.

Pudge, we've seen you on this tour.

I don't remember.

To be honest, I go to every large community outing.

I go to concerts.

Last night I was at a Van Halen concert looking for him.

Van Halen is not around anymore.

Then I don't know who the fuck I watched for two hours.

They were singing Van Halen songs.

It might be Sammy Hagar.

He's out there on the road right now.

Never heard of him.

Never heard of him.

Guy, imagine the people in the back row of this, how disappointed they are.

They're not even...

Look at them back there.

They're sad.

Well, that wasn't what I expected.

They're happy, actually.

They were going to back up.

People love this, right?

I guess.

This is comedy.

Stop downplaying it.

I'm either going to ask for refunds.

I'm not.

And with those refunds, you can donate to save democracy.

I'm sorry.

I'm grumpy, okay?

Why are you grumpy?

Who are you?

Him?

Who am I?

What?

Elemoni Tony.

He was grumpy at the beginning of the show.

I was grumpy at the beginning of the show.

He asked you a question.

Now I'm happy as a cloud.

I do feel better.

You guys are fun to hang out with.

Do you you want to go out after this show, maybe?

Where do you want to go?

I don't know.

Let's go get fucking hammered.

It's easy to do in Salt Lake City because all the beers are like 1.2% alcohol.

That's true.

Did you know that?

Is that a little or is that too much?

That's a little...

Do you know, without exaggeration, I can drink 66 cores lights in an hour.

That's not exaggerating.

Here or elsewhere?

Anywhere.

Well here especially.

I could probably drink four or five hundred.

So I like City.

So I'll like City, my man.

Don't touch me with your peanut butter hands.

That's the worst thing?

Understands?

Oh yeah.

They're peanut butter butter.

Penis butter hands.

Peanut butter hands.

I feel like penis butter.

Maybe sham.

Maybe sham Halen would be a good name for a Van Halen cover battle.

Might as well sit down.

Do you just sing the opposite of every Van Halen song?

You'll get it later.

Skipping with God.

Skipping with God.

It might not have been Van Halen.

Yeah, I don't think it was.

It might not have been.

I don't know.

I don't think it was.

It might have been Bonnie Rait.

Bonnie Rait?

That's very different.

Bonnie, you're going to sit here and look me straight in the eye and tell me Bonnie Rait and Van Halen are different?

Similar haircuts.

Very similar.

Very similar.

Hands up, sir.

I'm trying, but you put this device in my hand.

Listen to Bill Cosby over there.

I love Bill Cosby.

Love him.

Love him.

Family man.

Family man, good guy.

What are you...

I'm trying to pick your sir.

I've got it good.

So good.

I'm not attracted to my teacher.

I'm cold for the job.

You happy?

You happy?

I'm all dressed up again.

I hope I'm not offending anyone anymore.

All right?

I'm sorry.

I'm just.

Columbia!

Punch, do you think the dogs are dead?

They got to be dead at this point in time.

Talimony?

I've thought about it.

Yeah.

And it does make me very sad.

And I don't know, you know, maybe

part of what I'm doing is just I'm searching for something other.

Maybe I'm searching for something other than the dogs.

Maybe the dogs never existed.

Okay, I wasn't going that far.

You think the dogs never?

Maybe I'm not married.

Maybe I'm not from Boston.

Hey, Pudge.

Yeah.

Feeling blue?

Try Taggart Romney's new sweet cream mochaccino blasters.

It'll make you wonder if you should have been named Taggart.

I'm on board.

I'll try that right now.

where do I get one I'm on board Starbucks

right next to the big church

they have dunking out here they have dunking out here you're do they

okay settle down nobody asked you just

I did we just hear that maybe you're not even from Medford I don't know say look where I am I never thought I'd be famous

you're not you're just a guy who interrupted the show.

Well, that's I did read a book once on when I was studying stand-up and acting.

I read a book and it said you have to be aggressive and go in place.

So maybe this is how I became famous.

Maybe this is it.

Huh?

Hey, right?

No.

No, man.

No, no.

Hey, put the music on.

Think about me, I don't know.

Coming on heat, dumb, won't I hear slow?

Come in on here, I'm a no,

got sign me espresso,

coming on me, I'm an old woman.

Everybody, I'm working late.

Everybody, I'm here.

It looks so cute.

And he won't stop calling.

My honey, please.

Gotta get this ball in.

Everybody, put your pants down around

and

do it again.

Don't do it again.

Don't

do it, Royal.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

One brisk round of musical chairs.

All right.

So we need to take one chair away.

One away.

I'll take this one away.

Can we go over the rules?

Yes, I believe what happens is we walk around the chairs in a circle.

Yeah.

Do we walk in one direction?

One direction.

We walk one direction.

Okay.

Your voice got very serious.

One direction.

Stop.

One direction.

I really want to win.

And then when the music stops, you race to sit in a chair.

If you don't make it to a chair, you are eliminated.

Yeah, okay, a little bit more because this is really intense, and I want to win.

Tie stakes,

tie stakes, he is special.

Oh, we pulled two, yeah, two this way.

That's easy this way.

Oh, wow.

I think the chairs have to be closer together.

Head.

We're never gonna play.

All right, this looks good.

This is dangerous.

Okay, walk this way.

Walk or run.

We should skip.

If you say so, we should skip.

We should skip.

Okay, we'll skip.

Oh no!

I bow!

Alimony Tony ceased to exist!

Oh, so now we take another one away.

All right, take another one.

I'll take this one.

Okay, here we go.

I think I bruised my arm.

Very tight.

Okay, clockwise.

That's not fair.

That's not fair.

Boo!

Boom.

Oh, come on.

Barely is out.

I may have lost, but the fight is not lost.

Joe Biden is still in this.

Donate.

Text stopped to unsubscribe.

Very tired.

Oh, there he goes.

Lotta step.

No, it was fun while it fucking lasted.

Pudge has jumped off the stage.

Honestly,

I'm not a child.

Why are we fucking playing these?

I'm out of here, you guys.

I'm out of here.

No.

Sounds like

a loser.

So loser.

Hey.

So loser.

No, I didn't lose.

her.

I didn't lose.

It's not worth it.

It's not worth it.

No, it's not worth it.

Sabrina Carpenter wins

wrestler

winner gets to burn the school down

all right that's our show everybody

Rangal everyone

Carl Turns

Lily Sullivan,

Mr.

Paul F.

Tompkins,

Scott Argo.

Thank you, Salt Lake City.

Thank you so much for coming out.

We love you.

I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I saw you from across a cafe, and you're the Geico Gecko, right?

In the flesh.

Oh, my goodness.

This is huge to finally meet you.

I love Geico's fast and friendly claim service.

Well, that's how Geico gets 97% customer satisfaction.

Anyway, that's all.

Enjoy the rest of your food.

No worries.

Uh, so are you just gonna watch me eat?

Oh, sorry.

Just a little starstruck.

I'll be on my way.

If you're gonna stick around, just pull up a chair.

You're the best.

Get more than just savings, get more with Geico.

Hey, hate to do this.

Could we reschedule our morning hike?

I was just about to ask the same.

Next week?

Yes, it's Duncan Original Blend Time.

Staying at home with Duncan?

Don't mind if I do.

The home with Duncan is where you want to be.