Sixteen Toilets And Another Day Older (Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly)

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Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Prolapsed Famous for that catchphrase submission, Prolapsed Famous.

Appreciate it.

That one's not going to stick.

But thank you so much.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

We're in the throes of Auggie Doggy, are we not?

No one can dispute that.

My name is Scott Auckerman.

We have an exceptional show for you today.

This is the show.

It used to be the show where we talk to interesting people.

It's now Humanities Podcast.

It may soon become Humanity and the Animal Kingdoms podcast.

We're not quite sure about that.

But also, we've hit upon a new tagline, Comedy Bang, Bang, We Care.

We care.

And we care about

bringing you the best show possible.

And to that end, we have booked a great guest who's going to be with me all show.

He's a businessman.

So that's very exciting.

We're going to bring him out in just a second.

And

he's got a very interesting business.

I believe I've spoken to him once or twice before.

I can't really recall the details.

Sorry, what?

Scott, honey.

Yes.

Is this the, are you the businessman in question?

No, no, no.

It's me.

Scotty, it's me.

Oh, hey, Dr.

Dr.

Blondie.

It's me, Dr.

Bill Blondie.

Hi.

So good to see you again.

So I know, you know.

Is everything all right?

No, everything's fine.

I'm just coming by by because I know you're probably wondering why you haven't seen me in a while.

Well, I haven't made an appointment.

I'm sorry, for the listener, this is my personal physician, Dr.

Bill Blondie.

Dr.

Bill Blondie.

I haven't made an appointment to see you.

That's probably why I haven't seen you in a while.

You're probably wondering why you haven't done that, though.

Well,

I feel like the last time I saw you, we watched the music man, did we not?

Yeah, we did.

And that was in January.

With a weird little guy who runs the ball shot.

And I haven't really felt the need to see you since then uh because you did your your normal checkup while we were watching we never talked about that while we were watching the music man for the for the watch-along podcast you were examining me the entire time i'm a little hammer yeah yeah that it was so little too it was the most little hammer i i just wondered i wonder sometimes if that's why nobody seems to have reflexes anymore is because my i thought there was like a sort of epidemic of people not being able to jerk their knee when they get hit with a hammer.

Right.

But it might be that the hammer's too small.

It was an epidemic of you picking the wrong hammer.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

You don't have to turn around on me like that.

Oh, I beg your pardon, Dr.

Blondie.

I mean, I'm admitting.

It takes a big men to admit when they buy a small hammer.

A big man and a small hammer.

That's just what I said.

Yep.

So, hey, what about this small hammer and a big man?

I like it.

The little new twist on an old favorite.

That's fun.

Yeah.

In any case,

great to see you, Dr.

Blondie.

Sorry, I've been out of pocket.

You think you've been out of pocket?

Maybe you mean out of the office?

O-O-O?

I've been ooh.

And I've also been oot.

Ah, out of town, really?

Where have you been, Dr.

Blondie?

This is the thing.

I feel bad because, you know, you're a patient of mine, and

I feel like I've been derelict in my duty to you because I've taken this other job.

You're moonlighting?

No, I'm not moonlighting this full-time.

Oh, this is okay.

So you're moonlighting as a doctor?

No, I'm not.

You just quit being a doctor?

I quit being a doctor, but I'm still working in the health services.

Okay,

what are you doing, if you don't mind me asking?

I know this is none of my business.

Well, I came here to tell you to make it your business.

Yeah, I appreciate that.

Yeah.

Well, you're welcome.

And business is good.

I came here to make this your business, and business is good.

That's right.

So what exactly are you doing with your,

you can't even call it spare time, the majority of your time.

This is my job.

Yeah.

And it's 24 hours a day, baby.

24 hours a day.

Oh, yeah, honey.

They got me.

They're running me ragged.

Are you paid by the hour?

No, I'm on a salary.

Damn.

Yeah.

It's a good salary, though.

It's government work.

Coming from work?

What did you say?

It's government work.

Oh, government work.

Oh, okay.

I was going to say, if your salary comes from work, that's the way to do it.

No, no, no.

That's a perfect opportunity for you to get paid.

It's coming from work.

Yeah.

It's government work.

It's government work.

It's coming from work.

Okay, so what are you doing for the government these days?

I'm working for the Attorney General of the United States.

The AG?

No, not the Attorney General.

What's Surgeon General?

Surgeon General.

Oh, okay.

Totally different.

The SG.

Yeah.

You're working for

what's his name?

Cheryl Hines' husband.

Robert F.

Kennedy Jr.

You're working for him.

Well, he's not the Surgeon General.

He is the

Health Car.

What is it?

Yeah, okay.

So who's the Surgeon General?

Is it still that Coop guy?

That guy Coop had the funniest beard.

Are you saying that?

CFR?

Yeah.

Is he still around?

Is he still in the coop?

I would love it.

He would always be like, Welcome to the Coop.

I think he's flown, said Coop.

Don't quote me on that.

Don't quote me on that.

I'm going to look at the side.

You know, I'm going to look at that.

I'm just going by

my reaction to that reference.

You know, it is interesting when a guy who's in charge of health passes away because it's like, you couldn't see that coming.

He passed away 12 years ago.

Wow.

Rest in peace, King.

Coop.

Well, rest in piss, I say, because what?

There's a new sheriff.

Hold on.

There's a new sheriff in town.

Rest in piss to see it.

This is.

It deserves to be said.

This is huge.

And I don't care if his family's listening.

Steve Coop.

Wow.

I pray they are not listening.

You weird Dr.

Demento-looking son of a bitch.

Come on.

He wasn't wearing the top hat, as far as I know.

What's to stop him?

Why did he ever wear a top hat?

And then people were like, look, you're coming off.

You're giving Dr.

Demento.

I can almost guarantee that happened.

It's got to sting, though.

C.

Everett Coop, who's in charge of health, dies before Dr.

Demento.

Yeah.

Talk about Demento.

I heard Dr.

Demento, his real name is Dr.

Dementor, like the Dementors and Harry Potter.

That's right.

And he just dropped the R at Ellis Island.

Hey, you know what?

He dropped it.

He came here as

a fetus and then said, Look, let's just make it nice and clean.

Demento.

What if we never heard the words Harry Potter again?

I would be fine with that.

I'd be fine.

The boy who lived, you mean?

Yeah.

Okay.

Here's some old scarface.

Here's some words I'm good to not hear for,

I'm going to say a calendar year.

Okay.

Walton Goggins.

what about his goggins goggles i don't want to hear about it sidney sweeney yeah

well let's move on rule of two let's move on to some other uh more deserving people you know

move on to

like just saying their names a lot what are we saying move on to other people having their names said too much yeah exactly okay i have friends who deserve to be more well-known in show business it's like walton goggins cut someone else someone in on this fame let them wet their peak yeah exactly exactly.

In any case, what are you doing for the government?

For the Surgeon General himself?

Or herself?

I am, and we'll never know.

I am

in charge of, I'm on the committee that decides

what shit we're going to do and what shit we're not going to do anymore.

Okay,

as a country.

Or is this legislatively?

Yeah.

Okay, so what.

It's like what.

Okay, so like, you know,

we're cutting cancer research.

Yeah, I read that the other day.

But

fruit loops will be healthier now.

Because of the color dyes that are going to be different.

That's correct.

Okay, I don't know that that's an equitable trade to me.

Are you in the business?

The business of what?

Fruit loops or cancer?

Any of them.

Any of them.

Business is bad.

I'm not in these.

I'm merely.

Maybe you should shut your mouth then.

Okay.

I mean.

well you're attacking my job well i mean you yeah you're right you don't come to my job and show up on mic unannounced oh wait no you did so

the same thing would you mind if i came to your job i'm not telling you how to do that just started to you could just drop by sure and okay it'd be fun i'll show you around yeah i would love that it's all beanbag chairs really it's fun there it sounds fun do you have air hockey tables we have 14 air hockey tables that's too many

although i guess if there's 28 people who want to play 14 air hockey tables in 15 rooms.

15 rooms?

What's in the 15th room?

Or are they all in one?

That's a conference room.

Oh, okay.

That means, yes, there's an air hockey table in the bathroom.

Didn't the English beat sing about that?

I don't know.

Refresh my memory.

Air hockey table in the bathroom.

Let's sing it, though.

I kind of just tried.

Oh, I didn't realize.

Air hockey table in the bathroom.

So,

so, yeah, I just don't, I don't think I would trade

people, you know, a cure for cancer for getting slightly different colors.

Well, the great news is you don't have to choose.

Yeah, so you guys decided, yeah.

Why?

I mean, what was that all about?

Why did you guys choose that?

Well, it was okay, so Bobby lays it all out.

Okay,

this is Robert

sorry, excuse me, Robert F.

Kennedy Jr.

F.

Kennedy Jr.

RFK Jr.

RFKG

RFK J

RFK J

RFKJ.

RFK Ger.

Maybe you put the R and Junior there.

No.

That's how you normally say it.

We don't do that.

We don't do that.

No, you shorten J.

Not when you say it, though.

When you write it, don't spray it.

When you write it.

Don't spray it.

Don't.

Come on.

Medically, medically, I could tell you, spraying it is a terrible idea.

But I would imagine that you don't believe in masks or.

I mean, I know that they exist.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

So I believe in masks.

That's half the battle.

So I believe in masks.

Okay, great.

So what else is happening with the government?

What else are you guys like?

What's coming down the pike?

Well, you know, hearing aids?

Sure.

Yeah.

Love them.

The things you have to pay money for if you want to hear?

Yeah, exactly.

Are they going to be free now?

Oh, this is great.

Not exactly.

Oh, okay.

What are you doing with hearing aids?

Hearing aids are now going to be what we consider a health luxury item.

Okay, so meaning they're going to be more expensive or

expensive and not covered by insurance.

Oh my god, but they're going to look great.

What are they going to look like?

They're going to be blinged out.

Like bejeweled?

Yes, they're going to be dazzled.

Here's the thing.

Everyone loves when they see singers wearing those monitors, in-ear monitors, and they customize them.

You know what I mean?

When they put little jewels on them and stuff.

I love that.

That's what hearing aids are going to be like now.

Everybody can feel like a rock star for just $50,000.

$50,000 for a hearing aid?

For an hearing aid.

For ant meaning just one side?

Yeah.

One ear?

Yeah.

Some people only have one bad ear.

I guess, but $100,000.

It's Wonderful Life.

Sure.

Is that your favorite movie?

I wouldn't say favorite.

Okay, what's your favorite movie of all time?

Jewel of the Nile.

Jewel of the Nile, the Agatha Christie.

No, that's Death on the Nile.

Oh, what is Jewel of the Nile?

With enough champagne to fill the Nile.

galg it up uh

jewel of the nile is the sequel to romance that's a great quote jewel of the nile jewel of the nile is the sequel to romance to romancing the stone that's right that's right so you do you like romancing the stone no

and then jewel of the nile they got it right finally got it right

um all right well i'll take your word for it scott hasn't seen um you should come do scott hasn't seen about jewel of the nile with me what's scott hasn't seen uh

some show

some other podcast look you love dropping bio thanks for the invitation

uh I it just seems to me like you're making everything worse Dr.

Blondie I mean I you haven't even heard what the trade-off is what's oh there's a trade-off for making things more expensive yeah yeah yeah all right what is it popcorn doesn't get stuck in your teeth anymore

no more husks in your throat you know what I mean no more husks please English beat uh no this is a parody of a song from Into the Woods by Sondime.

Did he just go by one name, Sondheim?

You know, I've never been able to figure that out.

Was he a mononym or not?

I really don't know.

He could have gotten away with it.

He could have.

Out of anyone I know, he could have.

Who can't?

You?

I think, I mean,

I guess you could do it with your last name.

It's a very special person who can do it with their first name.

Madonna, Beyonce, Cher.

I think if you have a name that's a little bit unusual, as opposed to like Beth.

Yeah.

There's nobody, you can't say Beth.

Wait, which Beth were you talking about?

I see.

You prove my point.

I am proving your point right now.

But

I guess that trade,

hearing aids, more expensive.

Popcorn in the teeth affects a lot more people than hearing aids.

That's exactly.

That's exactly right.

This one's okay.

I'll give this one.

Give it a pass.

It'll also have the side effect of revitalizing the movie industry.

Now, that's very important to me.

You know, aspirin?

Yeah, sure.

Did you know it's poison?

It's poisonous?

I had no idea.

Aspirin is causing

our young men

who are going through a loneliness epidemic right now?

Our young, lonely men.

It is causing them to be ambidextrous.

Isn't that a good thing to be ambidextrous?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

I mean, why would that be good?

Well, you watch baseball and

I watch baseball.

So

the hitters who were able to kind of switch sides or, you know.

That used to be illegal.

It used to be illegal?

You couldn't do that anymore.

But you could arrest people for doing it.

Yeah.

It was a baseball rule that the commissioner of baseball extended to the city.

It said, if you catch one of these guys doing it, I want you to march right on the field, slap him in cuffs.

How many people went to jail for this over the years?

Three.

Three people.

And then they stopped doing it.

Wow.

And then when that commissioner died.

What happened?

They changed all the shit.

They changed everything.

That's when the pitch clocked.

It was Tennessee Mountain Landis.

Tennessee Mountain Landis.

Did he and see Everett Coop die in the same plane crash?

No, they were many years apart.

Oh, okay.

Got it.

Might not be Tennessee.

Tennessee.

That's a development.

That's right.

That one you knew.

That's right.

Jeffrey Tambour yelling at everybody.

So

I mean, that one,

yeah, I don't know.

So no more aspirin.

No more aspirin.

You're welcome.

I mean, look, the thing about aspirin, I've always wondered is they're always like, take two aspirin.

Why don't you make it one aspirin?

Just make it slightly bigger, idiot.

Like, if aspirin's so great, why do I have to take two?

Honey, do you know what you're saying?

No.

Because you could take one aspirin for something that's not as severe.

Okay, but they never say like, oh, just take one.

They're always like.

Yeah, because you need to.

Yeah, you always need to.

You just make it one.

You don't always need to.

I think we're saying the same thing.

You always need to, is what we're saying.

You know that I'm saying the exact opposite.

I think we're agreeing on this.

Sweetheart, you do this to me all the time.

All right, so no more aspirin.

No more aspirin, but what's the trade-off?

And now everybody will be either right-handed or left-handed.

That's the way nature works.

Okay, so what is the trade-off, though, for this?

You're going to love this.

Okay, I hope so, because so far, I've hated one of them, and I've thought one was okay.

You know, Rolos.

Rolo's, the,

I don't even want to say circular candy, but I guess they're circular.

Cylindrical.

Cylindrical, yes.

They're circular if you're looking down on them and they appear to be two-dimensional.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They're going to be slightly slimmer at the top,

which will be a great great boon to health because you're eating less Rolo, but it's not so much less that you're not getting the satisfaction of a Rolo.

Are they going to be sort of Hershey's kisses shaped in nature?

No.

They're going to look like regular.

You would have to

really, you'd have to get an old Rolo and a new Rolo together, look at them under a microscope to see the difference.

This sounds like the Cadbury egg issue.

Like those are getting slow.

This is the logic problem.

Yes.

So you're on a trolley

and it can stop and pick up a Cadbury egg if you want.

Right.

But to stop, one person will be thrown from the trolley.

That's right.

And land on a big Cadbury egg.

Yeah, exactly.

So do you do it?

So it's, do you give a Cadbury egg a ride?

Or do you sentence one to death?

Exactly.

By throwing.

Yeah.

It's one of the moral conundrums of our age.

So this is going to improve the health of our young fat children and our fat adults.

Okay.

I mean,

they're eating less Rolo.

I can't.

And that's a victory for health.

That's how we say it when we pass down one of these righteous rulings.

Ma ha.

Okay, make America healthy again.

I don't know the last time I've eaten a Rolo, so I would.

Oh, you're out of the game then.

I would imagine if it's someone's favorite candied snack.

It was my late father's favorite.

Really?

Who was he?

He was never talked about your name.

Are we going to say, who was he?

Well, I mean, I would imagine his name was Blondie.

His name was Blondie.

He wasn't the blondie that the comic strip was based on.

No, that's a woman.

Sure, but I mean, they could have gender switched the roles.

You know, it's very common.

I never thought about it, but maybe they did.

You know, Cynthia Revo just was Jesus and Jesus Christ superstar at the Hollywood Bowl.

She's a wonderful show.

Wonderful show.

I've been forced to talk about it on three different podcasts this week, and this is making a fourth.

Who's forcing you to talk about this?

The people who bring it up.

What am I going to just sit there silently while the other

host of the actual podcast I'm on talks about it?

You seem upset by this.

I'm very upset.

Do you not like talking about this?

You don't like talking about this show?

Once was fine.

Second was okay.

What was the issue?

Same conversation every time.

Well, it was three different people who had been there at this thing that I didn't get to go to.

You know, I'm a friend of Andrew Lloyd Weber's, Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber.

I don't know if I've told you that before,

but he's a pal of mine.

And he was there on Sunday, and he didn't even invite me.

So I'm a little sore about it.

I'm a little cross.

I bet if that guy showed up here right now, you'd be so furious.

I would.

If he were here right now, I'd give him a piece of my mind.

Choice word.

And I don't have a lot of pieces left.

You know what I mean?

No, that is true because you drink out of the cans.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah.

You've examined me.

You did an MRI on my brain.

Yeah.

I built that machine, by the way.

Did you really?

You did a good job with it.

They're so expensive.

And I said, I bet I could put it together.

Give me the kit.

It looked like a cardboard box.

And honestly, the results looked like a crayon card.

It smelled like one, two.

I like the cardboard smell, though.

Yeah, I love it.

It relaxes people.

It does.

It does.

You feel like you're in a fort.

You're not getting an MRI.

Yeah, it's almost like

they should give that to people instead of the anesthesia.

And then did you like the clanging?

I did that myself.

Good.

Yeah.

Oh, was that with pots and pans or something?

It was, I was doing, yeah, I was acting like the guy from

what you call Andor.

There's a lot of guys in Andor.

Oh, okay.

If you, I mean, if you can't divide from that, which guy I'm talking about, Scotty, you got some problems.

Stop drinking out of can.

Andor himself?

You know, I will watch that show, and a lot of times I'd forget that was the guy's name, and I would think it was where they were from.

And then they would call him Andor, like, I tried, he's Andor.

He's Andor, not the not the ground they're walking on.

Also, my third watch through, I figured out what Forrest Wicker's whole deal is.

Oh, good.

Good for you.

First couple times, I was like, I don't know.

You've done a third watch.

I've done one watch of third watch.

Where's third watch again?

It's that show about the firefighters, I think.

I've never been able to figure it out.

EMTs, maybe?

I have no idea.

You know, hospitals?

Yeah.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

We are boiling it down.

Because there's so much waste in hospitals.

Okay.

These greedy doctors.

Oh, wow.

I don't know.

It seems like there's not enough money.

They're forcing these poor poor insurance people to raise their rates and premiums.

Okay, so what are you doing with hot?

Because they're asking for so much money.

I mean, I think they deserve it with all the, you know, I've watched 15 seasons of VR recently, and they have to sleep there in the hospital sometimes.

Why did you do that?

I don't know.

I'm worried about you.

Now look what's happening.

I've been away for so long, and now you're going absolutely to pieces.

Honestly, I should have checked with you before I started this.

Dr.

Blondie, do you you think this is the right thing to do?

And you would have told me, no, you wouldn't have to do it.

I would have said, darling, don't do this.

Don't watch 15 seasons of VR.

Don't watch one.

It's time has passed.

I enjoyed eight.

In any case, so what are they doing to hospitals?

We're making it one big hospital.

Okay.

And it's on top of a mountain.

Okay.

There's enough room for tons of people.

All right.

But you have to get there yourself.

So you can't be airlifted there.

You can't be helicoptered in.

No, no, no.

If you are able to make it to the hospital, treatment is free.

Okay.

Okay.

But you have to start at the bottom of the mountain.

So this is sort of like Batman trying to learn martial arts kind of thing.

If you can make it up there to the mountain where Rayshall Ghoul lives,

then you're allowed to study martial arts, I guess.

Or maybe he, I don't know, maybe.

I would just go to a class in town.

Yeah, I know.

Like one of those karate classes that

in the valley?

Yeah.

They're all of it.

Yeah.

No, but he decided to go to the top of a mountain for some reason to do it.

I don't know.

He's a weird guy.

This is better.

This is not about martial arts.

This is about getting healthy.

And if you can make it.

You don't sound healthy.

Well, I feel great.

Do you really?

I mean, you can barely speak.

You seem exhausted.

Now that Skittles are no longer a death sentence, I've been eating exclusively Skittles all day long.

You should not be doing that.

And by the way,

I don't think they've even changed the diet yet.

Are you sure about that?

They can't do it that quickly.

Are you sure about that?

I'm pretty sure.

Okay, here's why it's hard for me to tell.

Okay.

It's because they have these jars and bowls and dishes of candy all over the place.

They're at the Surgeon General's office?

They're everywhere.

Oh, just everywhere in life?

Yeah.

Everywhere in life.

I don't know.

Everywhere you go, there's like a dish of Skittles.

I'm not sure.

Everywhere you go, there's like a bowl of Milky Way midnights.

I can't necessarily co-sign on this because I'm not experienced.

Okay, well, open your eyes.

Okay.

If you're not angry, you're not paying attention.

Okay.

So

they're out there because, you know, we're making these announcements.

And so we always have to have a picture of the thing that we say, now this is good.

Okay.

And so I can't,

they're not always good with the labeling of what is pretty pre-food coloring change, post-food coloring change.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And it doesn't help that both pre- and post start with a piece.

So even when they label it with just the initials.

Also, with something like Raisin Bran or what have you, one of those cereals, they're made by post.

So that's confusing already.

Yeah.

That's confusing already.

Yeah, because you see post right there on the box.

Right.

And you're like, oh, this must be post, the changes I've made.

Raisin brand, yeah.

Like post-punk.

Sure.

Yeah.

Post-raisin brand.

Can you imagine what raisin bread used to taste like?

This is like the Norm McDonald better than Ezra, Joe.

In a post-Raisin bread style.

Ezra must really suck.

R.I.P.

Norm.

R.I.P.

Did he die with C.

Everett Coop?

Was he on the same plane crash?

The day the

humor died?

How did we get there?

I just wonder, these things come in threes.

You know what I mean?

So

do you think that when he's talking about the day the music died, Don McClain,

is he including the Big Bopper in that?

That's the thing.

Big Bopper, that was the best thing to ever happen in his career.

No one would

argue.

I would argue the invention of the telephone.

Because he says, hello, baby.

Yeah,

the whole song Chantilly Lace is a phone conversation.

Do you think, you know how

when they invented the telephone,

the very first thing that was ever said on the telephone was, ahoy,

because no one knew, like, oh, you're supposed to say hello or whatever.

And so they said, ahoy.

What if they had had the foresight to be like, hello, baby?

Can you imagine?

On the very first telephone.

That's a real Marvel's what if.

Yeah.

I like that we eventually decided the way to answer the phone is to say hello in a a very scared way hello

who would ever call a person like me

we got to get past this hello right this whole business post hello yeah also these days i saw post-hello did you really he's gone country now he's gone country and his tattoos have started to uh they started to connect good oh thank god but people think he's a werewolf People think post-hello is a werewolf?

They think post-hello is a mid-transformation werewolf.

He might be.

We might be catching him in the middle of a lunar cycle or something like that every single time he performs.

I have no idea.

Maybe that's why he did Coachella this year is because he looked at the dates and was like, oh, good.

It's right in the middle.

I couldn't do it the last couple of years because the full moon wouldn't be a.

So you noted what the lunar schedule was when you were looking at Coachella.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

This makes sense.

Is Coachella nighttime or daytime?

I think it's both.

I think it also occurs at sunset, but I don't believe it occurs at sunset.

Well, we wouldn't do that.

Although the people who are camping there, would you ever camp to go to, would you ever even camp?

Camping is the worst thing you can do from a health perspective.

Yeah.

It's the absolute worst thing you can do.

Is it because you're sleeping on the ground, essentially?

Yeah, it sucks.

Yeah, it's terrible.

It sucks.

Puts you in a bad mood.

Leads you to make bad choices.

Now you're

going to have to camps die within 48 hours.

That's true.

Yeah.

And then if they can't find you within that 48 hours, there's something to do.

Yeah, they just give up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, Dr.

Blondie, this is all fascinating stuff.

Is it?

You know, would you like to stick around?

Because we have a,

I'm talking to a businessman on the show today.

I'd love to hear about business.

Really?

I'd love it.

Because you had your own business for a while.

You were a private practitioner.

That's right.

And so you must know about things like...

I would hate when people like a dame would come into my office and say,

I think my husband's got cancer.

I need you to shadow him.

Find out.

out.

So, what you would do is.

That's the life of a private practitioner.

Yeah.

I would always say, look, honey, you don't want me to do this.

Talk to your husband, figure it out, but don't, you're not going to like what you find out.

And then how often would the person actually have cancer in how?

100%.

And how would you find it out?

You'd like take pictures of other doctors' offices and the lab results.

Yeah, exactly.

All right.

Sounds like a fascinating job.

In any case, we have a businessman coming up after the break, and we're going to be talking to to him for the rest of the show.

But I would love it if you were to stick around.

Would you really?

I really would.

I value your insights and your wise counsel.

It's the first time I'm hearing this.

Thank you very much.

All right, we're going to come right back.

When we come back, we'll have a businessman here, and Dr.

Bill Blondie will be sticking around.

I'm Dr.

Bill Blondie.

That's right.

And we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here.

Did I say my name is Scott Auckerman?

I have no idea if I did that in the opening part of the show, but that's who's talking right now.

And to my left,

at my left hand, not my right-hand man, but certainly my left-hand man, my personal physician, Dr.

Bill Blondie, is here.

Although I assume you're not my physician any longer.

I think that I still am.

Yeah, I'd love it if you would take me on.

Come to Washington if you need anything.

If you need two aspirin, if you need, I now

have a stash of half aspirins that I use.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I can dispense that to people.

Okay.

Oh, I'd love that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So we'll

still see you for my checkups.

I just have to go to Washington.

Oh, by the way, baby baby aspirin, St.

Joseph's baby aspirin tastes so good.

Now it's just candy.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

That's great.

Yeah, we stopped pretending that it's aspirin.

Yeah, yeah.

It's delicious, though, isn't it?

I would eat those by the hand.

God, I love it.

It's my favorite movie snack.

I pour it in my popcorn sometimes.

So you get the sweet and the savory right next to each other.

So good.

All right, we need to get to our next guest.

He's a businessman.

I believe I've spoken to, I think he's been on the show one time before.

I've been on the show one time before?

I'm sorry.

I was the first guest ever on this fucking show.

The first one of all time in 2009.

Number one, the first show you ever did.

I don't believe so.

I believe that was Rob Hubel and Tom Lennon.

Nobody would go on this show.

Are you singing right now?

I beg your pardon.

It sounded like you were singing for a second.

Nobody would go on this show.

But it's true.

Nobody would, because you don't cross Carson.

But I was the first one to say,

I will go on this fucking show.

And after that, people said, well, hey, if Danny says he's okay, because I said I like this kid.

And if Danny says he's okay, people could come.

And that's what started the whole fucking thing.

And now he's sitting here 19 years later.

I don't know.

Whatever it's been, 20, 30 years later.

Sorry about that.

Trying to tell me, I think maybe we've had this guy on one time, but fucking ridiculous.

I'm sorry, but please welcome Danny Mahoney for the second time, I guess.

You didn't even welcome me?

You didn't even say my name before before I started talking?

You kind of interrupted everything.

That's fucking insulting.

Say my name before I start talking.

Look, it's not a race to say your name before you start talking because I didn't.

Apparently, not.

I didn't expect you to start talking, honestly.

It was a little rude.

Well, I didn't expect you to not say my name.

Scott, just be a man and apologize.

Just be a man and apologize.

Why is this so difficult?

I don't think it's a manly trait to apologize.

It's a humanistic trait, perhaps.

Honey, honey.

Just be a man and apologize.

Look,

Danny is your name?

Mr.

Why is that a question?

Why are you putting a question on me?

Because I don't know you.

I'm the first guest you ever had, and I've been here 30, 40 times since then.

I'm a staple of this show.

What would this show be without me?

I don't know.

Let's find out.

Do you want to leave?

What?

Why would I leave?

Come all the way down here.

Oh, where are you from?

Come all the way down here.

Where are you from?

It's taken you such a long time to come all the way down here.

I'm living in Torrance.

Uh oh, okay.

I apologize then.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were coming in from Torrance.

I would have done a little more research as to who you were.

But you are a businessman, is that right?

Of course, I'm a businessman.

Businessman, businessman, yes.

Would you describe to the fine folks out there who have perhaps never heard one of your, I guess, one or two appearances on this show?

Oh!

What kind of business you're in?

Danny Mahoney, this show, for a while, wasn't it called Comedy Bang Bang with Scott Auckland and Danny Mahoney?

I don't think so.

I understand where the confusion lies.

It used to be called Comedy Death Ray.

There you go.

That's the problem.

So, yeah, we changed it.

There was a D and Death, and there's a D and Danny.

That's a good point.

There you go.

You know, my name, my grandfather, shortened it at Ellis Island from O'Mahoney, downtown to Mahoney.

Oh, okay.

So you're an Irish gentleman, is that right?

There was an opportunity at Ellis Island.

If anybody wanted to amend their name, this was the time.

So they were going around saying, like, you can chop off one letter on either end.

That's the thing.

People look back at that time and they think it's racist.

And it's what it was was you had a chance.

Not everybody had a chance.

Not everybody likes their name.

Right.

And now you have a chance.

And legally, you don't even have to fill up a bunch of paperwork.

No, they just rubber stamped it, right?

Yeah, that's right.

They had a stamp for every name.

Sure.

Every possible name.

Every possible name.

Yeah.

A bunch of monkeys came up with it.

They accidentally typed Shakespeare at one point.

I think one monkey was trying.

Yeah,

I think he sort of had a copy of Shakespeare's complete work.

One next to the typewriter.

One monkey was like,

guys, we could get this done in so much less time if we all try our best.

What kind of monkeys were they?

Yeah.

Reese's?

Reese's macaques.

It's pronounced Reese's.

Reese's.

I'm sorry.

Reese's monkeys.

Tell me what your business is.

Reese's Monkeys.

What you.

First of all, I have a new thing I'm doing, but I'll tell you what the original, because I'm still doing that.

Life of the Party Incorporated.

It's very simple.

You call me up, you're having a party, doesn't matter what kind of party it is, you call me up and I come and I make myself the life of the party.

And then yet party is a fun party.

A lot of people's parties are not fun because there's nobody there that knows how to be fun.

I show up, I got a boom box, I'm wearing dance pants, I'm in terrific, the best shape of my life.

And we have a

best shape of your life right now?

Yeah, I'm surprised about that.

I'm in the best shape of my life right now.

I guess I just

aren't you, doctor?

terrific.

Terrific.

See that?

What do you do?

Push-ups?

Nope.

No.

You kidding me.

I don't do win-ups.

Never push-ups.

Never done a push-up.

What do you do?

Pull-ups.

No, I don't.

You got to be kidding me.

Nope.

Wind sprints.

I've never done a wind sprint.

I don't even know what one is.

Suicides.

Huh?

No.

Well, yes, I have attempted suicide multiple times.

Oh, that's right.

Now I'm starting to remember you.

Well, I walked into the ocean with the heaviest coat commercially available.

Yeah, that's right.

You went down to the mall.

That's correct.

And you were, and you asked the,

I guess, the salesperson, what is the heaviest coat you have?

Which, by the way, I'm going to tell you now, been through a lot of therapy.

Better help.

Been through a lot of therapy.

Now I understand that was a cry for help, but it did not get received.

When you, if somebody, look, if you work at a coat store and somebody comes in and they say, give me the heaviest coat you have, that's a cry for help.

That should be legally, you should have to report that to them.

They're a mandatory report.

Well, I mean, the problem is, I think they probably interpreted it as

want to not be cold yeah that that may have been an issue with you who doesn't want to be cold

i think you got to

be that's the whole code industry would disagree

who's walking around going i don't want to be cold everyone who's doing that

at points in their life

certainly so you By the way, you're stripped to the waist right now.

You bet I am.

I wanted to mention.

So you'd never get cold.

Do you ever wear a shirt?

Of course, I get cold, but I don't walk around going, oh, I don't want to be cold anymore.

When it comes, you're ready for it.

You welcome

bracing.

You ever do the cold plunge?

Oh, yeah, I've done a cold plunge.

Yeah, what's a cold plunge mean to you?

It's good to shock your system.

A cold plunge is when you don't have the heat on and your toilet gets stopped up and you got to go in there and it's cold 68 degrees sometimes.

Plunge that toilet.

Sure.

Okay, great.

All right.

All right.

Hey, I do do all my own plumbing.

You understand me?

Yes, I do.

Okay, because that can be expensive to call someone in.

You're expensive and stupid and a waste of fucking time and money.

I can do all my own plumbing.

Might go be an MRI machine.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Why don't you just become a plumber instead of this business, the life of the party?

Because this business is a great business and I'm uniquely qualified to do it and it's my calling in life.

But I have a toilet in every room in my house.

Every room.

Yes, I do, my friend.

So the living room?

Toilet.

Toilet.

The

family room?

dining room kitchen dining room which one which one do you want to hear about both i guess dining room yep toilet kitchen toilet where's the where's the toilet in the closet closet closet is not a room my friend

you passed my test

always

hallways hallways are not rooms but do you have a toilet in them i have one toilet at the end of the hallway

air hockey room toilet okay here's a surprise bathroom toilet.

Whoa, whoa.

Huge surprise.

Huge surprise.

Well, you might have thought I don't need one in the bathroom.

I could free that space up for other things since I got them all over the rest of the house.

That's true.

But sometimes you're in the bathroom and you got to use the toilet.

That's a good point.

That's a happy point.

What was this born out of?

Why did you go so toilet conscious?

Because I said to myself, I know how to put in a toilet.

I know where to get a lot of toilets for nothing.

Oh, so you had a line on toilets.

And once you pop, you can't stop.

That's exactly right.

And who wants to say, I'm sitting here, I'm happy.

I got to go to the toilet.

I got to go.

What?

I got to walk across the room.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

If you don't have to.

If you have to, that's fine.

If you don't have to, like you know how to put in a toilet and you know where one is,

you don't do it.

Yeah, this makes sense to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you, so you're uniquely qualified to do this business life of the party.

You bring a boom box.

As I recall, you also had a pillowcase full of batteries just to make sure.

What an asshole.

I got a gym bag full of batteries, you asshole.

Who would put them in a goddamn pillowcase?

And these are all.

You can't walk around with a pillowcase.

You can't walk around with a pillowcase.

Unless you're at the airport, like a freak.

And these are all different.

People want to know, what are you trick-or-treating in the 70s?

Just before they had the plastic buckets that looked like pumpkins.

All the plastic went into the mask that you couldn't see through.

That's right.

And these are all different sizes of

50.

We're all in our 50s, right?

Sure.

Wait, have you seen the Dred Zeppelin doggy battery?

Of course I have.

What about you, Danny?

Dred Zeppelin documentary.

I practically financed it.

A song of hope?

Yes.

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

We're all in our 50s then.

So these are different size batteries.

Some of them.

Why would they be different?

My boom box takes 16 D batteries.

So these are all D batteries in your full D batteries.

In your gym bag.

I got a gym bag full of D batteries.

But anytime one of them doesn't work, you toss it back in the bag.

Not any time, but too many times.

If only there was a way to test these batteries, but exactly.

Yeah, but there's nothing.

Well,

the problem is the only test is when it starts to get all crusty and bleeding.

Yeah.

When you got one of those batteries.

If I got a corroded battery in my gym bag.

Oh, corroded.

That's right.

It's out.

It's out.

That one definitely gets out.

It's out.

Yeah, but not until then.

Until then, I don't know for sure.

It takes so long.

If I could just get

16,

if I could get 16 batteries that I knew were bad, because that's what I think I have in that bag full of 50, 60 batteries,

I would pull them all out.

But there's no way to test it because your boom box takes 16 of them.

Yeah.

And if you were to take out one of these batteries, who knows if the other 15 even work?

So there's no way to,

it's like trying to figure out a 16-number combination.

The only way to do it is to keep doing endless combinations of 16 batteries yeah i as far as i know i

this it's one of the banes of my entire fucking thing i can't get this i can't figure this out take control of your batteries

i can't take control well but i the only solution

what he's doing a bane in print bane from the uh dark knight returns yeah i've seen that sometimes

sometimes i get an email from fedex and uh yeah if i'm getting like a package is coming, and it'll say,

always in the email, it says, take control of your delivery.

And I always think of Bane, like Bane's working at FedEx, take control of your delivery.

Is that what he said?

He said, take control of your city.

He said that to who?

He said that the Batman.

Batman himself.

It's not Batman's city.

He just lives there.

He's just a citizen of the city.

I know, but this is where the plot sort of falls apart.

He sort of self-deputized him as a guardian of Gotham.

Who self-deputed what?

Batman.

I thought it was Gotham.

Batman, he self-deputized himself as a guardian of Gotham.

Yeah.

What are we going to do?

Prisher's goth ham.

Like, got milk, but ham.

I heard you the first time.

Yeah.

I'm telling you this, though, for the second time.

And I'm not listening to you.

Do you want to know if I have ham?

Do you have ham?

No.

Why not?

I don't like ham.

Ham's great at a party.

If there's ham, that's fine.

I don't carry it around with me.

So that's, if I were to hire you to

spruce up my party, you would not bring a ham.

Not unless they asked to bring a ham.

I'll bring a ham.

You want me to bring a ham?

I'll bring a fucking ham.

So, upon request, you will bring a ham.

What I normally like to bring is a tray of turkey legs.

Like if you rub something or something?

I didn't get them from there.

Would you bring both?

How many legs on the tray?

How many legs on the tray?

Geez, you know what?

I never counted.

Let me see.

Because you put them fat into thin.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Fat into thin end.

Scott, Scott, Scott.

I'm hoping it's 16.

You hope it's how many?

16.

Same number of batteries.

Oh, yeah.

Eight, Nine.

Ten.

Well, in a full tray?

Yeah, full tray.

Yeah, we're talking full tray.

16 turkey legs.

I love this.

This is great.

I mean, your life seems to revolve around the number 16.

Why do you say that?

Well,

there's 16 batteries in your...

Two things makes a pattern.

Oh, I see.

There are no coincidences.

Guys, I wish you hadn't pointed that out to me because now the chances that I'm going to accidentally put a turkey leg

in my boom box have gone up like 100%.

Well, now

it is going to happen.

100%.

No, no, but it was zero before, and now it's 100%.

If something has a 100% chance of happening, it's going to happen.

It doesn't have a 100% chance of happening.

The chance of it happening went up 100%.

And now 99%?

Is that what you're saying?

I don't know.

Could be 2%.

Yeah.

Yeah, or one.

Up from zero.

Sure.

Wait, if it's 0% and it goes up 100%, then it's still at 0%.

Depends what percent of what percent you're talking about.

But, honey, that's that's math talk, but we're talking about the feel.

I know about emotional when you talk about how things feel, one is twice the amount of zero.

That's a good point, of course.

It is, that makes perfect sense to me.

Of course, it does.

Well, um, in any case, thanks for dropping by.

It's been great to see you.

Do you imagine that I'm leaving now?

That sounds like you're saying that I'm leaving.

Oh, I haven't even told you.

I thought you came here to tell me about your business.

I'm here to tell you that I got a new thing going.

You got a new job.

Really?

To the tune of I want a new drug?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I got a new job.

I have what you have.

I've always wanted what you have.

I mean, if you're talking about psoriasis, I got a what?

Psoriasis.

Do you still have that?

Are you dealing with the psoriasis?

What are you doing for it?

You know, the normal stuff.

He used to have it.

He used to have it.

It was all around his eyes.

Okay, yeah.

And it made his eyes look further away than they were.

Oh, interesting.

But I was

like, used goggles.

Oh.

Do you mean further apart or further away?

Further away from you.

Really?

You would look at him, and it looked like his eyes were further away than the rest of him.

Oh, shit.

Like sunken inside of his head.

But it didn't look like that.

It looked like they were just at a distance.

It was like those haunted mansions, you know, busts that the eyes always seem to be following you all the time, except it made my eyes look like they were further.

They they were like a mile away or something like that.

Are they doing busts on the great colours?

Drug busts?

Occasionally, though, they're doing drug busts at the haunted mansion?

They should.

They should.

They absolutely should.

Yeah.

You ever tweaked and gone on the haunted mansion ride?

I don't know what you mean by tweaked, my friend.

Have I done speed

and done that entire theme park in less than nine minutes?

I've been advocating this for

a health professional.

I've been advocating this for a long time.

Disney will not listen to me.

Have a drug day.

You know what I mean?

They do it.

They do it for the gay people.

Why not have a day for the people who are all on drugs?

Well, if you're going to have one group, so have a day where you can only get in the park if you're on drugs on drugs.

And apparently, like, no, if you're on drugs, if you do that,

you can't do them in the park.

You gotta, but you got a mandatory drug testing to get in.

Yes.

Okay.

And you better test positive.

Okay.

And then

don't try to eat a lemon poppy muffin.

If you do speed, it makes the rides go faster.

Yeah.

Well, you don't have to.

Because you don't got to sit in the little fucking car like that.

So you're just like knee-deep in, it's a small world in water.

It doesn't go all the way up to the knees, guys.

It looks like it does, but it doesn't really.

But yeah, I just run through the ride

and I get

Peter Pan and everyone.

Sure, I'll wave it Peter Pan.

You think I won't wave at Peter Pan?

I'll wave it.

You appreciate it.

Yeah.

That's the way to do it.

Don't fuck around.

Like, I got nine minutes to do this whole theme punk.

It's incredible.

I mean, it's an achievement.

First, the nine minutes was

the issue.

Yeah.

And you're like, how am I going to get this accomplished?

Right.

What was happening in nine minutes that you had to get to?

I had a party.

I'd agreed to do a party.

Oh, and you double booked yourself on a day that you were already.

I did not double book myself.

I gave myself nine minutes to do Disneyland

and then go to do a party okay i did not double book by the way cadbury eggs are not getting smaller asshole they make a smaller version the regular cadbury egg is the regular size the same size it's always been okay you can get a smaller cadbury egg i'll take your word for it i've i've heard they're smaller they're not some people like them a little bit smaller scott said so they're smaller people like them smaller they because they make a smaller version in addition to the regular size i believe the standardized standardized version is getting smaller.

That is incorrect.

And you're in touch with the Cadbury people on this?

Or how do you, where's your dip?

Source?

I'll be the source.

Okay.

Because that's something I'm very proud of that we're doing in this administration.

Really?

Is we are making a medium Cadbury egg.

So you have the regular size.

Then you have the mini eggs, which are a completely different consistency and flavor.

I think that

you should make the language around fun-size candy.

It's not fun to have a smaller candy.

It should be illegal to call it fun-size unless it's way bigger, like the size of a novelty check.

You're killing children.

I'm killing children.

You're killing children.

Which children?

Any child that you convince that that size is not fun.

You're killing them.

I'm killing them.

I don't mean killing them.

Murderer.

Murderer.

Child murderer.

I've been saying that for years.

Danny, you have.

I barely know you.

What the fuck?

Somebody's got to look it up.

How many times has Danny Mahoney been on the Comedy Death Ray podcast?

God, I have a thousand times.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't we take a break?

I'll look it up.

I'll look up the stats, okay?

We'll figure out how many times you've been on Comedy Bang Bang or whatever it's called.

And we'll figure this out, okay?

So we need to take a break, and then you're going to tell me about your new venture?

I don't know.

Okay, well, I'd like you to.

And you should apologize to those dead kids.

Look, I'm sorry to any children who are listening that I've killed.

Do it after the break.

Make it good.

Okay.

All right.

We'll be right back before Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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You know, when you think about game day,

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And then they're totally different

letters, although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair, and the W and the

Y is in both.

I mean, this is pretty similar, actually.

Game day, Wayfair.

I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair, right?

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I mean, when I say I, I mean Kulop.

Kulop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff.

She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween,

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That, I guess that's year-round.

That can just stay out there forever.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here.

We have Dr.

Bill Blondie, my personal physician, is

with me.

Oh, Dr.

Bill Blondie.

And you've been examining me during the break.

I have.

Or at least you've had your hand in my pants.

Oh, so you could tell.

Yeah, oh, I definitely, yeah.

You have cold, clammy hands.

Well, you learned to dance with my hand in your pants.

That makes it better.

Billy Joel.

Did he say that?

The entertainer, of course.

Oh, the entertainer.

Is that the one where he talks about sitting around at home and masturbating?

That's Captain Jack.

Ah, Captain Jack.

That guy loved jerking it.

I love Billy Joel.

Who's better than Billy Joel?

Nobody.

Who?

At what, though?

At sailing a boat?

Sailing a boat?

I mean,

that's a good point.

Driving drunk?

He's good at it.

He's good.

I mean, yeah, he's really, he's one of our best.

One of the best.

He insisted that one time that he got in a car accident, he was not drunk.

Yeah, that he was going through personal problems or something like that.

I don't remember what his excuse was for crashing that car.

Do it treat?

But whatever it was, it wasn't drink.

I just watched four hours of Billy Joel documentary.

Same.

Gotta see it.

Gotta see it.

He looks right into the camera at some point.

He says, I've never had any DUIs, so fuck you.

It was powerful.

It sounds

very gripping.

Danny Mahoney is here.

I like when he's, you know, the present day, he's sitting around the kitchen table with his old bandmates, and they all look exactly alike.

All four of them?

Everybody at the table?

There's five guys.

Four of them are bald with goatees.

One guy has hair, and you know they hate that guy.

How did he escape?

I like every time he falls in love.

I never got tired of it.

He's

hopeless romantic.

Hopeless romantic.

He writes the most romantic songs.

Of course he's going to be a romantic.

I kept thinking, this is it.

And then, no, he falls in love again.

He also has a vape shaped like a cigar.

Is that what he's doing?

That's what he's doing.

Good for you.

I didn't notice that close.

Yeah.

I got to go go back and watch all four of them.

Everybody should vape.

Are all vapes cigar-shaped in a way?

No.

Sometimes a vape is just a vape, Scott.

I apologize.

Look, I want to say this.

I apologize to the dead kids.

I apologize to you, Danny Mahoney.

I accept your apology.

Danny Mahoney, would it have surprised you to learn that you have been on this show three times?

What?

What are you talking about?

This is your fourth appearance.

Hold on a second, dear.

You said a thousand times.

That's what I honestly believe it is.

And you were a little upset when I said two, which is not that far off

it's actually pretty far off if you think about it percentage wise that's a good point three is 300 more than two i don't believe so but uh if you need a thousand fifty percent more but a thousand is practic

the bridge between three and a thousand is smaller than from three to two in the sense of how what proportion especially if you're looking at it in a macro sense if you need if you need three breaths or you're gonna die and you only get two it's a long way away from that third breath.

Good point.

But if you get a thousand breaths, like you're already good.

The journey of a lifetime begins with a thousand breaths.

Wow.

It's true.

In any case, you also were on the television show.

You and I have a television show.

Oh, I did a combat bang bang television show.

Oh, okay.

You had to join SAG for it, right?

You were a must-join.

Yeah, I was a must-join at that point because I had done some demo commercials.

Demonstration commercials.

In-house

win-backs.

Whose house?

My house.

Run's house.

Yeah.

This is Blondie's house.

That's right.

I was a must-join.

I had to bring a check for $1,200, Johnny Shaggy.

Was it worth it?

Doing my show?

Yeah, actually, it was.

I got a lot of business.

As a matter of fact, I got a lot of business.

I got a lot of emails from people

telling me how I should solve my battery problem.

A lot of emails from me.

I think I saw you on a Graze Anatomy.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I did a graze.

Sure, I did a Graze.

Were you a patient or a doctor?

I was a patient and a guy who was like, but I was a patient because I says, I'm not taking off my clothes.

I'm not getting one of these fucking hospital gowns.

I'm not lying down in a fucking bed.

I'm not going to be fucking sick.

I'm not going to be a guy that's injured or who's dying or any of this bullshit.

This sounds like they just approached you to be on the show and you laid down the rules.

It was not like you got cash.

They did.

they approached me just from being on my show they saw you on that yeah grace came to me wow

and i said so what they made me is i'm a guy who's like signing papers to go home

okay that works you were a patient but you were signing yourself out against medical advice oh maybe

that wasn't part of it but you could say that in your head

is real quick scene yeah any lines i didn't have any lines i didn't need any lines i said you knew what was going on yeah yeah so

the camera passes you.

You're signing papers.

Did we get a look at your face or was it from the back?

If you know what I look like, you know it was me.

Sounds to me like you were a background artist.

What did you call it?

A background artist or extra, perhaps?

A background artist.

I like that.

That's what I was.

Okay, great.

I'm glad you like it.

That's what I was.

I watch every medical theme show to see if they'll mention me by name.

Oh, cool.

You think they might mention you just because you're a doctor, because you're in the biz?

Because I'm a real doctor.

I'm hoping it'll come up.

Of course, I've heard them say the word Bill.

Sure.

But like, oh, of course.

When are you going to pay your bill?

That's a big part of these doctors.

Or there's people named Bill.

And I think, is that based on me?

Yeah.

But I've heard them say blondie very infrequently.

Right, yeah.

Never in reference to me.

Usually in reference to like a pretty blonde nurse or something like that?

No.

It's the butterscotch brownies.

Oh, okay.

So, hey, would you like part of my blondie?

You would be very surprised how often

blondies, the food, come up on every medical drama.

Try me.

You think I'd be very surprised?

Try me.

How about the pit?

The pit?

Twice.

Okay.

I'm surprised, honestly.

I'm very surprised.

Doesn't matter.

Yeah, me again.

How about on Scrubs?

107 times.

And I mean, that's as many episodes.

One of those was a blonde you're referring to here.

Oh, wow.

I'm going to go way back on you.

I'm going to go way back on you, Blondie.

Marcus will be MD.

Four times.

Okay.

Trapper John MD.

Four times.

Okay.

Okay.

Quincy.

Oh, Quincy M.E.

He's a medical examiner.

There was one person who died.

They were murdered by having a blondie shoved out their throat.

I'm not surprised by that.

Let me ask you something.

Yeah.

If, okay, you're a doctor.

What do they call it?

What a doctor wears?

Lap coat?

Like those pajamas?

Oh, yeah.

Fancy pajamas.

Subscribe.

Subscribe.

Scrubs.

Hey, that's why they called the show that.

Hey, I just got that.

It's funny.

It is.

I mean, I guess it's funny.

But they were also scrubs in a pejorative way, the characters themselves.

In the TLC manner.

They were young, you know, dum-dums just starting out.

That's what you call a scrub?

I never called anybody a scrub in my fucking life.

If they're a dum-dum, I'll call them a dum-dum.

I'll say it to you.

You're a straight shooter.

Huh?

You're a straight shooter as well.

Yes, that's true.

Well, maybe if you're a mean doctor, you know, you want to toughen these kids up.

You call them ladies all the time.

Ladies.

All right.

What is it?

Scrubs.

Scrubs.

You're a doctor.

Let's say you have a set of scrubs that says Gray's Anatomy on it, but you're a doctor and you're working in a hospital and a patient is in there and his patient is talking to you.

Do you want that patient to say, oh, what's up?

How'd you get the thing?

Why do you have a scrubs that say Gray's Anatomy on it?

Do you want them to ask that question?

Did you get did you take your costume home?

Why are you asking us about that?

Well, no, the name of the hospital was was not Gray's Anatomy.

Ellen Pompeo's name in the show is Gray.

Was this a crew gift?

I don't know.

What I'm telling you is my doctor has scrubs that say Gray's Anatomy, and I never ask him about it.

I don't think he's anatomy.

Am I supposed to?

It could be.

It could be.

Now, here's the thing, Scott, honey.

You don't know everything about medicine.

It could have been a gift from Gray's Anatomy because if they...

If a medical show does mention your full name,

they will always send you a gift of some kind.

So that's why you're watching these shows trying to see if I'm going to hold them to it.

Okay.

Oh, interesting.

It wouldn't be that hard to mention your name, just like, oh, I'm going to refer you to a specialist, Dr.

Bill Blondie.

Yeah, you preach on the choir, you

hate to do that.

I have submitted that in writing to every medical show.

It would be very easy if.

Now, let me ask you this.

Okay.

Okay.

If you are, let's say, whatever, you're on a set of a television show, whatever it is,

Hawaii 5-0.

Fine.

Max MPI.

It could be that.

Other Hawaii-based shows.

The Brady Bunch that wants to.

That didn't happen in Hawaii.

Guys.

Jesus.

So are we to exclude Hawaii Five?

Oh, yeah, take Hawaii out of it.

So no, Sanford and Sun.

That wasn't in Hawaii.

They went to Hawaii once.

Gilligan's Island, I think.

One of their specials?

Yeah, of course, Gilligan's Island went to Hawaii.

Why did Sanford and Sun go to Hawaii?

For vacation.

Fred Savret doesn't deserve vacation.

Were they ever on Family Feud?

Sanford and Son?

That's what I'm asking you.

That's a great question.

This is a great question.

I don't know.

Thank you.

Look it up, Scotty.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Come on, honey.

You're a background artist.

Whatever you're doing, you're on a set.

They say you got a half hour for lunch.

You're not hungry.

You go for a walk.

You walk through a property department, okay?

And you stumble upon an area that's shelves and shelves of toilets.

Shelves and shelves.

Wait, this is how you got all your toilets?

I'm asking you a hypothetical.

They're prop toilets?

I'm asking you.

Hypothetical.

Hypothetical.

Same thing.

Prop toilets and toilets, my friend.

I don't know if they're designed to work with

the same way that a normal toilet does.

They seem to be just fine in this hypothetical.

Do you think the prop department is building toilets?

Like, okay, we need a toilet in this scene.

Let's get the paper-mâché out.

They're probably doing.

No, they're buying regular.

They're just buying regular toilets.

I think they just take a block of styrofoam and then Michelangelo style, they carve away what doesn't look like a toilet.

Anyway, this is my question.

You could take those, right?

It sounds like you did.

It sounds like that, yeah.

Here's what I've noticed in the few film intelligence sets I've been on is that they're very protective of the things that are there.

They don't want you to take them.

And

even if you ask nicely, they will still say no.

And then eventually they will start to get upset.

But what if your logic is you're serving lunch?

I'm not hungry.

I didn't eat your lunch.

So instead of you.

I saved you money on my lunch.

Yeah.

And therefore.

I guess it would depend on what the lunch is, how expensive the catering is, how inexpensive the toilets are, what they bought them for.

Did they buy the toilet?

Can you see that this is what's so disgusting about where we are in America right now?

People are spending money on a single meal equivalent to the cost of a toilet.

That's something, but not just one toilet.

13 toilets.

Sick, no, what?

One, two, three, four, five.

16 toilets.

You have 16 toilets?

And what do you get?

Another day older.

But wait, Dr.

Pondi, he's 16 toilets.

This guy has a thing with 16.

I didn't even catch that.

This is like that movie.

The number 16.

Yeah, I think it was the number 23.

But if it were called the number 16

and it was about 16.

Instead of 23.

Instead of 23.

Yeah.

Are you guys whispering to each other?

Oh, yeah, we're whispering to each other.

We're whispering to each other.

We have a doctor.

It's very suspicious behavior.

Well, Dr.

Page and Kid confidentiality.

By the way, I did want to say the relationship between Fred and Lamont Sanford on Sanford and Son was characterized by a comedic, often contentious family feud.

So they were on Family Feud.

So you're right.

It was the original Family feud.

Congratulations.

That's really good.

But why are you, oh yeah, we already went through the scenario.

What scenario?

The non-Hawaii television shows, yeah.

I don't know what you're talking about.

So you were hired as a background artist on Great Britain.

I've never worked in Hawaii.

I'll tell you that right now.

Okay.

As a background actor or as an actor or as an actor.

Never worked.

I never did anything in Hawaii.

You've never even been.

Have I been to Hawaii?

No.

You know what?

I've never been to Hawaii.

You ought to go.

Really?

You got to go.

It's like going to another country, but your phone still works fine, and that's the same money.

Why does your phone work fine?

Because it's part of America.

Amer?

I don't get that at all.

It's the 50th state, or the 49th, at the very least.

Yeah, but why does your phone work there?

Here's what I'm saying.

Let's say things have gone a different way and we says, Iraq, you're part of America.

Now you're our 51st state.

Okay.

Which we should have fucking done.

Don't know about that.

I think that we were kind of interrupting what was going on there.

We should have fucking made it our 51st day.

All right.

Would our phones work just fine over there?

And if so, why?

I mean, our phones might work fine over there.

You just have to.

But roaming.

Yeah, roaming charges.

That's what it is.

There's no roaming in Hawaii?

No.

No.

That doesn't make any fucking sense to me.

It's true.

I mean, I know it doesn't make any sense.

It feels so far away.

And yet when you step off the plane, suddenly, like, you have full bars, but you're not paying any extra for it.

But, honey, honey, honey, be happy about it.

I'm not happy about it.

Well, you should be.

No, because

if it cannot be roaming there, that's my point.

It cannot be roaming everywhere.

It's so far away.

Roaming is bullshit, it turns out.

That's exactly right.

Do you think that we should be one country?

The entire earth should just be one country on my phone.

In my phone, Bill.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay.

So, one world government, phone-wise.

One world.

That's beautiful.

Yeah.

The one-world is enough for all of us.

Sure.

Sting once talked about this.

But they say a one-world government, that is the prelude to the Antichrist

coming around.

I don't know if you have any thoughts on that.

Wait, do they say that?

They do, yeah.

Like when all countries become one and it's one government, then the Antichrist.

Why?

No idea.

I mean, it's just one of those theories they have.

Sounds like a bad time to come.

Like, I would come when everybody's all disorganized.

Fighting with each other.

That would be a great time for an Antichrist.

But on the other hand, on the other hand,

all you got to do is take out one guy, the top dog of the whole planet government, and now you're in charge.

But we don't know that there's just one.

Well, instead of just going like hodgepodge.

It could be a council.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

What?

It could be a council?

I don't know.

I'm saying if it's one government, you got one top dog.

When they're talking about, they're not talking about a council.

They're talking about one dog.

Here's what's fun to think about is that we think about the Antichrist coming.

We think that it's going to be like how we are now, right?

But honestly, imagine if it's the far future, right?

And everybody's looking, they're wearing weird clothes and shit.

Coverboards and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Jet Pax and the, you know, the big red balls, the minority

red balls,

pre-cogs.

And then the Antichrist shows up.

Pre-cog crime.

Oh, okay.

The Antichrist shows up, and everybody's like, what?

No, you're from old times.

This is the future.

We're not scared.

We don't matter anymore.

We're not scared of you.

I mean, yeah, I mean, the Antichrist.

We're flying cars.

What are you doing, Antichrist?

Get out of here.

Antichrist is pretty scary in olden times, certainly.

Scared the shit out of people.

When they read the book of Revelation, they're like, oh boy, I don't want that to happen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Keep me out of that lake of fire.

Yeah.

Even in the 20s, people, you know, still pretty afraid of it, all the way up to the 50s and 60s, maybe the early 70s.

But now it's like we're in the future.

You're saying nobody's afraid of the Antichrist anyway?

I don't think so.

I think there's still some people that are.

Danny Mahoney, any thoughts on this?

I think there's a lot of people out there that's afraid of the Antichrist.

And let me tell you, they ought to be.

Why?

What do you know about this figure?

Some would say mythical figure.

Like Bigfoot.

I'm just saying.

Or Nessie.

I'm just saying.

This is another hypothetical, like the toilets one.

Let's imagine you wander into the ocean in the heaviest commercially available coat.

Do they, are there heavier coats that are not commercially available?

Industrial coasts yes, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they don't sell those.

You know, you got to have a license.

They're very dangerous.

Very dangerous.

Yeah.

But the heaviest commercially available coat is pretty fucking heavy.

So I'm in that, I'm in that coat.

I'm in the ocean.

Or no, someone is.

Yeah,

this is a a hypothetical hypothetically someone might be in the ocean at some point with a heavy coat okay

and you're walk and you're walking along the ocean floor you're walking past old cars and tires why are you walking because you got a heavy coat on keeping you down to the bottom

what what was the purpose of going in there with a coat on oh to kill yourself

now you're taking a stroll

while you're waiting

what else you gonna do you're not gonna open your eyes no you're gonna be looking at like the scuba scuba diver guy with the bubbles floating

in the treasure chest.

I get all that.

I guess they just figured by the time you're doing that, you're not interested in doing anything anymore.

Oh, well, you're wrong.

Also, I'm assuming these people have done what Tom Cruise did for that Mission Impossible movie and learned how to hold their breath for six minutes underwater.

Bullshit.

Yeah.

Get out of here.

So much that they had to change the script because originally it was four or something, and then he learned how to do it even longer.

They're like, I don't know.

I would have kept it at four.

They did.

They just did a find and replace.

I would have been ready for six, but kept it at four.

I know for a fact Tom Cruise has never done one stunt himself.

But not one.

No, come on.

I know for a fact.

He was hanging off that airplane in the last one.

That wasn't an airplane and it wasn't him and it wasn't a movie.

I watched it.

This is a boy.

You think you did.

This is a bold claim, doll.

Not one stunt.

ever.

That's not him on the motorcycle.

He can't sit on a motorcycle.

I know for a fact.

Why?

What's going on with his room?

That's the problem.

He's got a butt problem.

Okay.

All right.

He can't sit on a microphone.

Wow.

What did I say?

It's the opposite of a pots.

He said microphone just now.

That's fine.

You're walking along the bottom of the ocean.

Sure.

You pass the wreck of an old Spanish ship.

Yeah, the galleon.

Huh?

Galleon?

Sure.

Okay.

Whatever.

A lot of water.

You realize to yourself, oh, I've made a terrible mistake.

Wait a minute.

I could start a whole new business,

I could start a beautiful business where I make people's lives wonderful by having been the life of the party.

If only I could get to the surface, if I could somehow get myself to the surface and start this business, I would change the world.

And imagine then that you come face to face with an entity, something under the water.

It's not an animal, it's kind of goat-like.

It has goat-like features, but

it's boiling the water around it and and and a smell of sulfur pervades the water all around you okay and this entity says to you i will take off your coat

if you will serve me i'm just saying and then

you're just saying i'm just saying imagine if you then said yes and then it took off your coat and you swam to the surface

okay okay i i would say maybe you're hallucinating or maybe it's you're seeing an Ursula-type figure down there who lives under the sea.

Perhaps

honey, honey.

She doesn't look like a goat.

Come on.

She very much looks like an octopus.

Come on, see you.

Come on.

Oh, that was interesting.

Everybody's got a type.

Okay.

In any case,

it's a hypothetical situation.

It may never happen to anyone.

Oh, you're probably right.

That person was just hallucinating.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay.

Hey, Danny,

this is reminding me, though, when you talk about your old business, that we haven't talked about your new business.

What exactly is this?

Oh, but we have.

I've slipped it in here and there around the edges.

I've been doing a new podcast.

Wait, you're a podcaster?

Yeah, of course.

And I'm not the only one doing this podcast.

He actually did mention that.

You did?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

A lot of people do this podcast.

That's why it's a great idea.

And it takes no work.

I just take things off the internet and talk about them.

It's called Am I the Asshole with Danny Mahoney.

Do you know these Am I the Assholes?

Yeah,

we've talked about them on one of my other shows.

People don't know how to behave.

They have to write into the internet to say, can I do this?

Here's what I heard.

Here's what I heard.

A lot of those are true.

They feel true.

99% of them are true, is what I heard.

Yeah.

That's the secret.

They don't want you to know.

Please don't spoil it for anybody.

Anyway, that's what's great.

It's my, I go on the internet, I find these things, I go in, I talk about it, it's easy.

Takes me, I do, I'm in and out of this podcast in under nine minutes.

Okay, and you're like the arbiter of whether these people are assholes or not.

Yeah.

And where do you usually come down?

What side of the issue?

It's all different.

Sometimes it's asshole.

Sometimes it's not asshole.

A lot of the time it's the person asking the question is, and sometimes it's the person they're talking about is

asshole.

Sometimes it's somebody that's not even involved in this particular story.

Turns out to be the casual straight.

That's intriguing.

And you say it's a nine-minute podcast?

Yeah.

Well, I can get in and out of there.

You're doing an hour, but it's on speed.

So you just have to slow it down in post.

Right.

You should listen to it at

one-ninth the speed.

And then you can have an hour-long podcast.

Put that on your player.

But I'm doing it at nine.

Wow.

Getting in and out of there because I don't even have a division.

Are you the solo host?

Do you have other people there?

Sometimes I bring in friends of mine.

We have a panel discussion.

What friends?

I don't know what you're doing.

Which friends?

I got friends.

Like who?

I know you do.

I just, I've never talked about your personal life.

I got a friend name.

I haven't either for the record.

Okay.

What?

You haven't talked to me about my personal life.

No, I haven't.

We're just meeting for the first fucking time, as far as I know.

Hey, let's take it easy.

I'm taking taking it easy.

You don't sound like you're taking it easy.

How do you,

what does it sound like to take it easy?

Everything's okay.

That actually sounds better.

Yeah,

for first.

You sounded like that.

That guy sounds great.

I'm just saying, we, you know, I'm sure you do have friends.

Maybe we have some mutuals that, you know.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

I got a friend named Slippery Mike.

I don't think I know Slippery Mike.

Okay.

Maybe I do.

I don't know.

I don't know if you do or not.

Okay.

So what other friends do you have?

I got a friend named Cactus Tony.

cactus tony kind of rings a bell does he wear like snake skin uh

yeah actually he does did he work at the arc lights oh yeah

yeah that's rich

i got a friend named tennessee mountain landis jr

this guy sounds familiar to me too

i think we may have been talking about him earlier i don't know i think he's a third actually he's the third okay

so you have a regular posse yeah i got a regular posse got a crew full of guys yeah that's right

That's great.

Yeah.

I got a guy named

Don DiMello.

That guy I definitely know.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

One of my buddies.

Worked at the Pasadena Storytime

Playhouse or something like that.

I don't know.

So sorry.

Kennesaw.

Kennesaw Mountain Landis.

Oh, that's not the guy I know.

You know, Tennessee Mountain Landers.

I know Tennessee Mountain Landis.

The third.

The third, yeah.

He was the first commissioner of baseball.

What?

Not the guy you know.

Oh, okay.

What does the guy you know?

What does he do?

He fucking hardly does anything as far as I know.

He'll wash your tires.

Just the tires?

Yeah, he isn't one of you.

He's not a body guy.

No, he's got, I don't know what he has, but it's only for tires.

But he'll wash your tires.

Yeah, why are you?

He's like in a squeeze bottle.

Okay.

He's got like a turkey baster.

You know what it's like is?

Like

what they have the plastic thing that you'll have ketchup and mustard in.

The ketchup and mustard bottles?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the plastic ones, you squeeze it.

You squeeze it out.

And he squeezes it on tires.

Yeah.

Does he apply a rag to it at all?

He's got, he always, this guy always wears a long sleeve shirt.

You never see this guy in short sleeves.

It's interesting.

It is interesting.

I've asked him, what are you hiding under there, you asshole?

He won't tell me.

Okay.

I mean, you catch what flies with honey.

If that's how you're asking about it, I don't blame him.

What am I supposed to say?

What do you got?

I like this guy.

This guy's great.

Have you ever thought about a personality transplant?

What a lovable guy.

Yeah, I love him.

What a lovable guy.

What are you talking about?

I mean, there might be a reason that you've only been on the show three times.

You think it's been a check that again, please?

Check that again.

Yep, three times.

How could that be?

Really?

How could that be?

And it looks like two of the times were just cameos when I was.

I feel to you like a song like I feel.

Maybe not a thousand, but like it feels like ten.

Hundreds of times.

Yeah.

Not hundreds.

I'm surprised.

I'm confused.

I'm surprised as hell, but

I feel confused.

What I'm saying is your personality might be part of the issue.

Why we're not rebooking you.

My personality?

That's exactly what I said.

And when I say that, I mean everything about you is obnoxious and irritating.

That's factually incorrect.

Factual.

You think it's not factual?

Factual.

I know for a fact that I have a wonderful personality, a sparkling personality.

I'm a wonderful conversationalist.

Okay, let's try to have a conversation.

Oh, yeah.

Let's do it.

Dr.

Blondie and I will pretend we're at a party together and you come up to us and have a conversation.

Great.

Okay.

Hey, did you?

What the fuck are you guys doing?

Did you?

We didn't even get this done.

All he said was, did you?

Oh, oh yeah

this is part of the issue no i get it now i get it now the two of you are going to talk and i'm going to and i'm going to come up yeah exactly okay here we go okay yes i can get you more cocaine okay because i'm really running low right now the foot must be killing you

yes

excuse me oh hello first of all Fuck you.

Where are you getting that cocaine from?

Because it is against the laws.

And if you're breaking the laws, walking around like the laws don't apply to you, then you deserve what's coming, asshole.

Dear, I'm a doctor.

So it's medicinal cocaine that I've actually 100% pure

medicinal.

It is beautiful.

Dr.

Blondie offered it to my wife when she had a nosebleed recently.

It's the worst thing for a nosebleed issue.

You think that, you think that because you're not a doctor?

I am a fucking doctor.

Wait, are you real?

Yeah.

Where'd you go?

All right.

This is one thing I sometimes do.

To win an argument, I'll make up anything.

But how often are you called on

the faculty?

Well, let's play it out.

Let's play it.

Okay, yeah.

I am a fucking doctor.

Oh, where'd you go to medical school?

Yeah, where did I go to medical school?

Where do you go to fucking medical school?

I went to Tufts.

Same with me.

What year did you graduate?

1972.

Yeah, I was there earlier than that.

I came before you, but when the teachers was good.

What year?

What did you say again?

I said I graduated in 72.

I was there and I graduated 68.

I also said I was in my 50s.

Hey, I think you're lying.

In fact, I think you're both lying.

Wait, has this ever happened where people call you on a lie and you figure out the other person is lying?

Cards on the table.

This is embarrassing.

It came out this way.

Well,

I didn't go to Tufts Medical School.

What?

I did not graduate in 1972.

What?

Where did you go to school?

I took an online course to become a doctor.

No.

How long did it take you?

Like,

I think like 70 minutes for the whole thing.

I could have done it.

You probably could have.

I mean,

this is surprising to me, Dr.

Blondie, because

you've kind of told me you're a real doctor.

Honey, honey, honey.

I'm a real doctor.

I have a medical license.

Okay.

Okay.

I guess I never inspected.

I'm not a surgeon.

You know what I mean?

I'm not a surgeon.

What kind of a doctor are you?

I'm a general practitioner.

Okay.

Okay.

So I look at you and I say, something's rotten in there.

You got to go to this other guy.

He's going to cut it out of you.

Right.

That's what I do.

Right.

Okay.

Okay.

You've never said anything is wrong with me.

Well, I did say that your foot needed more cocaine.

Yeah, that's true.

Was I supposed to be rubbing the cocaine on the foot or just taking it?

Both.

Oh, okay, great.

Yeah.

I've been doing both.

You've been doing both.

Yeah, exactly.

Here's what you do: you rub it on your foot, then you rub the excess on your gums.

Sure.

I would wash your foot for medical grade.

Medical grade.

We were very surprised when Dr.

Blondie offered it to us for just simple nosebleeds.

This is David Brenner quality cocaine?

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

It's good shit.

You know your stuff.

Oh, yeah, I do.

So this podcast is going well.

Yeah.

Which one?

The one we're on now?

It's going fine.

This one's going great, but I mean, the podcast that you're hosting.

Well, how do you know if a podcast is going well?

Well, I'm just throwing it out there and wondering if you'll respond.

Yes, it's going well.

Oh, yes, it's going well.

Yeah, it's going very well.

It's on the top three.

Of what?

Yeah, all of them from Apple's podcast.

And, you know, it's me.

Call Her Daddy.

Okay.

I mean, that algorithm is weighted towards, you know, new podcasts.

You'll probably slip down after the first couple of weeks.

Oh, is that what you tell yourself?

I'm beating you, aren't I?

It's me, Call Her Daddy, and the other guy, what the guy, and now.

Joe Rogan, is that who you're talking about?

Or Mark Maron?

Oh,

yeah.

No such thing as a fish.

No such thing as a fish.

Yeah, that's what it is.

By the way, Mark Maron's stepping down.

Have you ever thought maybe you could be the new host of WTF?

Yeah, my people have been in touch.

Who are your people?

I got, well, a slippery mic.

Oh, okay.

Texas Tony.

Texas Tony.

Yeah, okay.

They wouldn't want to cross those guys.

Who would be?

Tennessee Mountain Land is the third.

Who would be your dream guest if you were to take over what the fuck?

My dream guest, if I was to take over.

That's what it stands for, by the way.

WTF,

would be

if you could ever get Barack Obama.

He'd never do it.

But if you could ever get Barack Obama.

Actually,

he did that podcast.

It's one of the only podcasts.

Oh, no, I'm not talking about that Barack Obama.

You're talking about the president of Barack Obama.

Oh, I was talking about the president.

Yeah, which Barack Obama do you?

I'm talking about a different Barack Obama.

Oh, such a unique name.

Oh, I know a guy named Barack Obama.

You're not talking about Barack Hussein Obama.

I'm talking about a guy I know named Barack Insane Obama.

He's insane in the Hussein.

Yeah.

Wow.

So this is a totally different guy.

Totally.

He's one of your crew.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's one of my crew.

I got to meet him.

Oh, he'd be great.

I can't get him on a podcast very often because he's one of those guys with a metal detector on the beach.

Oh,

okay.

You can't tear him away from it.

Well, he's got certain theories about when he has to be there according to tides and all this shit.

And it never seems to line up

with with podcast schedules.

I guess.

Yeah.

But Barack Insane Obama, if you ever see him,

if you hear him on a podcast, you're lucky.

He'd be my number one guest because I don't know.

I'd love to hear some of the shit he finds out there on the beach.

So he's never told you, but he's a friend of yours, but he's never told you about any of the stuff he's found.

He says, have me on your podcast and I'll tell you.

And then you offer him a date.

And then it never works out.

It never works out.

I understand.

Well, it sounds like it is going great.

It is going great.

Sounds like

it It sounds that way because it is.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

Well, I wish you the best of luck.

We haven't even done it yet.

You haven't even recorded an episode yet?

No.

Okay.

Well, I don't know how you're number three in the top three if you haven't even recorded yet.

Okay.

Okay.

Call it that he has definitely recorded episodes.

They have done some already?

Yeah.

I planned it out.

I have it all planned out.

I've done it in my head so many times.

That's half the battle right there.

That's just as good as doing it sometimes, I think.

Yeah, yeah.

Can I take some of this stuff, like this microphone and these headphones?

These are not toilets.

You can't just take what's I know they're not toilets.

I know what a toilet looks like.

Oh, you know, these are not toilets.

It's 16.

I feel like you're establishing it is okay to take toilets when it's not.

I'm sorry, but it's not a toilet-type situation in your mind, at least.

It is a toilet-type situation in my mind all the time.

24-7.

It's a toilet situation in your mind.

Well, guys,

I'm afraid we have talked about your podcast and we are running out of time, unfortunately.

We only really have time for one feature.

Time to do Would You Rather?

Yeah,

if only.

We only have time for one final feature on the show.

That is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Scotty has a podcast.

It's a part.

With lots of interesting guests.

What a pod.

The guests are all not talking.

Cover what?

Combo what they're hawking.

It's a plug.

There's really only one thing left to do.

Open the plug bag.

Hey, plug bag, talk about your new shows.

Hey, plug bag, it's not time to close.

Plug bag, you better have a CBV button for us.

Hey, club bag, this is going too long.

Hey, club bag is like a whole song.

Your bag, you better open up for us right now.

Hey, that was Plug Dog Bird Bag by Bino G.

Funk and the Beverly Others.

Can I say, yeah, the timing of this is going too long was imaginary.

Right on the money.

Right exactly when you were thinking this is going too long.

I thought it was about two minutes late.

Whoa.

About two minutes late.

It's a 52-second song there.

Okay.

Danny Mahoney.

Yeah.

It should have never, it should have,

yeah.

Okay.

You know what I mean?

The reviews are in.

All right.

What do we plug in?

Dr.

Billy.

I beg your pardon.

You can call me Billy.

Okay.

Okay, Billy.

Come on.

I feel like we're not just doctor and patient, but we're also friends and family.

I feel like we're none of those things, but that's interesting.

Then don't call me Billy.

Okay, Dr.

Blondie.

You can't call me Billy if you can't return my texts.

i you text too often i have to say you're a frequent texter it's fun though

it's fun i mean it's fun to send not so much to receive because you know i don't silence my phone well i never thought about that that it could be fun to send but not fun to receive yeah

you really opened up something for me good okay thank you baby okay no problem now do you have anything to plug Yeah, I would like to plug, of course, medicinal cocaine.

Sure.

If you can get it.

Get it.

If you can get it.

Yeah, I feel so bad we turned it down that one time.

I also, yeah, that was.

What were you thinking?

Well, I was thinking we have a baby at home and we can't just be doing cocaine.

Give something to the baby.

Yeah.

It's medical.

I know.

It's 100% pure.

Babies are medical.

Yeah.

I'd like to plug Variatopia with Paul F.

Tompkins.

Great variety show.

Oh, yeah, I've heard of the show.

This is over at the Lodge Room in Los Angeles.

The Lodge Room in Los Angeles.

They're live streamed as well?

They also live stream it.

That's right.

So that's Sunday, September 21st, 7 p.m.

Pacific.

Be there in person,

live stream it.

Also,

before you know it, it's going to be October.

And that show that

you know what, October, I changed my nameplate on my door to Dr.

Bill Boody.

Booty?

Yeah.

Why not Dr.

Bill Body or something?

I don't get it.

Okay.

October, Varietoby goes back out on the road,

going to,

you know, fucking places.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

I bet I could look this up while you talk.

Go to varietoby.com for all the tickets, but Louisville, Kentucky is in there.

Overland Park, Kansas, of course, is a stop.

Oh, you have to play Overlark Park.

Overland Park.

Come on.

A little respect.

Dr.

Kilblondie

for Halloween.

Dr.

Kilblondie.

Yeah, instead of Bill Blondie.

Dr.

Bill Kilblondie?

I don't get it.

Yeah.

Never mind.

Like, I'm also Irish for Halloween.

Looks to me as if you're going to Charleston over Louisville.

That's right.

Charleston, South Carolina.

St.

Louis, M.O.

And Louisville.

Kai, M.O.

Louisville, Kai.

Louisville, Kai.

I can't be there, obviously, because I don't live there in any of those places.

But hey, Paula Tompkins will be there.

That's right.

You should go see that show.

It's magnificent.

It's wonderful.

Variatopia.com.

Variatopia.com.

Now, Danny Mahoney, you want to plug your podcast.

I also want to plug my new personality.

We've been trying to nice this show all the time.

This is not the same.

That's the thing.

Why was it different?

You're adding some English to it.

You're trying to make him less likable.

You were so likable before.

No, it's worse.

You're making fun of it now.

This is exactly what I was doing before.

We don't like it.

That's what you guys like.

It's what you like.

You like that.

In any case,

your podcast is yet to come out.

Do you know of any other podcasts out there that you enjoy?

You could go to patreon.com slash Andy Daly

and have podcasts in your face like that.

It's as easy as that.

Right in your face.

Right in your fucking face.

I want to plug.

I have nothing going on other than

astonishing Spider-Man is no longer happening.

But hey, if you liked it, write to Marvel and say you want it

to continue or you want a printed version of it.

That would be nice.

And head over to CBB World if you're in the mood for podcasts in your face.

We have some great ones over there.

We have the neighborhood listen is over there.

We have College Town.

We have Scott Hasn't Seen, the aforementioned Scott Hasn't Seen, which you need to come on, Dr.

Blondie, and watch what was it?

He wouldn't tell me what the show was.

What was it?

What movie were we talking about, though?

I don't fucking know.

Scott Scott,

come on.

Slipped right through my fingers.

Also, don't say you got nothing going on.

How about that cholesterol?

Oh, yeah.

Well, I have high cholesterol.

Nightmare.

Yeah.

You got that going on.

Yeah.

And you've prescribed no

cure for it or not even cure, just some sort of

way to treat it at all.

Yeah, cocaine.

Okay.

I don't know that that.

Okay.

In any case, it can't hurt.

While you're over there at CBB World, we're giving away free cocaine over there.

If you click on the right button,

not medical, though.

Not medical grade.

No, this has been cut down.

It's been stomped on.

It's relaxative.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And anyway, anyway,

head over to CBB World.

You get the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang, including the three episodes that Danny Mahoney were on, apparently.

Check that again, please.

Okay, I'll check it one more time.

Yep, three.

And you get new episodes add free, all of that and more.

Head over to Comedy Bang Bang World or CBB World.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Open the plug back to me dude.

Open up the plug bag.

Please don't go in and be room.

Then you are alive.

Talk to Hedgehog.

Has Big Natty.

It doesn't have big capital.

Oh, Jesus.

All right, that was Plug and Learn, parentheses, theme of plug back adventure and parentheses by Vindo.

Thank you to Vindo.

And if you have any plugs, themes, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs.

You'll find everything you need over there to do remixes and to upload your songs.

And guys, I want to thank you so much.

First of all, Dr.

Blondie, what a surprise you were here.

But I love hanging out with you.

I love you.

I love you, Dr.

Blondie.

And you know what?

I'm not used to saying that to my

just my friends.

I don't need to.

Same.

But I

love you.

I want to, let's just tear down this toxic masculinity.

Exactly.

We're two bros and we can say, I love you.

I love you and I like you as well.

Same.

Same.

Does that diminish it if I just say same?

No.

You can say ditto or whatever.

Do people still know what dittos are?

From ghost.

Sure.

And then Danny Mahoney.

I'd like to build back up this toxic masculinity.

Hey, right?

It's back.

And Hail Satan.

Okay.

Why?

Now,

what an unusual choice to end the show on, to say Hail Satan.

This is very strange.

Oh, did I say that?

You did, yeah, quite clearly into the microphone.

I don't do that on on purpose.

Oh, okay.

So, all right.

This must have been a slip of the tongue then.

Yeah, yeah, it surely has nothing to do with you being rescued by an underwater antichrist.

No, but build the one world government and hail Satan.

Hey, it's good enough for me.

All right, we'll see you next week.

Thanks.

Bye.

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