Bonus Bang: Jake Johnson, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan (I Love Lily)

At the University of Arizona, we believe that everyone is born with wonder.

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The University of Arizona.

Wonder makes you.

Start your journey at wonder.arizona.edu.

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Hey Hey, everyone, Scott Auckerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall.

And this week, we are, of course, still in the middle of our wonderful series, I Love Lily, featuring Lily Sullivan, comedian Lily Sullivan, of course, from

such television programs as The Righteous Gemstones and Deli Boys.

Now, this is an episode called So New York, one of our classic episodes.

This was originally released January 14, 2024 as episode 845.

This features Jake Johnson, of course, from The New Girl, Paul F.

Tomkins as Alimony Tony, and Lily Sullivan as a myriad of characters, including the introduction of Tony Sony,

a...

classic character, a CC.

This was the first appearance of Tony Sony, and Tony, you'll hear all about Tony Sony.

And you'll hear sort of how it was an accident that Lily didn't plan to do Tony Sony, and you'll hear the evolution of Tony Sony's voice as well over this episode.

So if you enjoyed this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, add-free new episodes, add-free old episodes.

And of course, we have original shows like CBB Presents, Scott Asn's Scene, College Town, Neighborhood Listen.

So much going on over there.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

But until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

O'Reilly Auto Parts, Better Parts, Better Pizza, Papa John's.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you.

Thank you to Stink McGrable for that catchphrase submission.

I don't think that's going to keep just because it mentions two different businesses other than Comedy Bang Bang, but thanks for the suggestion.

Stink McGrable, thank you so much.

And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition 2024.

That's right, January.

We're so deep.

I believe it's the Ides of January currently.

And

we have a great show.

Coming up a little later, we have a

singer-songwriter.

We also have a writer.

So a very arts-focused podcast today.

But coming up first, that's right, stars are back.

We settled it with SAG.

We won.

We're reaping the riches right now.

And the stars are able to come back on this podcast.

And there are none brighter than this one.

I don't believe he's ever been on the show before.

He's joining the incredible One Timers Club here on Comedy Bang Bang.

He was on the television show, a wonderful episode of the television show.

That's right.

And where he was upside down the entire episode.

That's right.

You know him from such shows as The New Girl and everything else that he's done.

And he has a wonderful

new movie out on Hulu now called Self-Reliance, which he wrote, directed, stars, produces, stars in produces rather.

Please welcome to the show, Jake Johnson.

Hello.

Hello.

I was going to say I felt like I had done it, and then you reminded me it was the TV one.

I don't, I feel like the upside down.

Let me let me check because I don't, I don't know.

I, you know, anything passed maybe four years or so ago.

I have no idea.

But

I think, I think you're right.

It was the TV.

I had forgotten that.

By the way, you need to get real close on these mics.

How's that?

Oh, perfect.

I love it.

Yeah,

I'm not seeing anything other than the television show.

And that bit was

Adam Scott too, I think.

Was he in it?

I don't remember.

I remember we were, it was, my hair was up.

Yes.

The premise of that episode was Slow Joey, played by Haley Joel Osmond,

who played our dumb intern.

Haley Joel Osman.

We were getting a new set, and he sent the blueprints off for it to be built, but he had turned them upside down.

And so the set was upside down, so we had to film upside down and turn the cameras upside down.

So we did a whole episode where our hair was

hair sprayed up over our heads.

Yes, anyway, you were such a great sport to do that.

That was fun.

Yeah, it was very fun.

I hope I made up that Adam Scott had his hair upside down, too.

I don't know.

Now that I hear this, I don't think he would have been there.

I don't.

He was in so many episodes.

So

maybe he did a cameo in that one.

I don't really know.

But it's great to have you on the podcast proper.

Thank you for having me.

And did actors stop doing this during the strike?

Oh, yeah.

We had so many podcast hosts, so many authors.

Oh, my God.

Actors were saying no to a podcast.

What else?

Can you imagine?

They're like, I can't.

I don't want to, I don't want to.

I don't want to go against the strike by.

Not doing something that's worth striking against.

Right, exactly.

You can still go to restaurants, grocery stores, do podcasts.

I think, no, I remember that one email from Fran Drescher.

She was like, don't go to restaurants, don't leave your house.

We want to make sure we don't.

I remember the Halloween one for sure.

Yes.

Everyone remembers the Halloween one.

The Halloween one was a great tourney.

Was it settled by Halloween just so everyone could dress up and come?

I believe it was.

I think that came out and then there was a backlash and then everybody stopped talking about it.

Yeah.

Well, it's wonderful to have the stars back.

I love the fact that

we're able to promote movies now instead of these stupid fucking books.

And

here, here.

Because movies are where it's at, right?

Have you ever written a book?

No, no, no, no.

No, why would you?

No, why would I?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, pass on doing that.

But it is nice.

It was, it's been a tricky one because this was supposed to release in September.

Really?

And then with the strike, they kept pushing it.

And so they would at first.

It's all pepesty.

Yeah, they would go, it's going to be maybe October, maybe November.

And then they said, if it doesn't end, we have to release it without any press.

Oh, no.

And I thought,

so truly nobody will watch you know you never know who watches streaming as is but without press yeah i was like oh wow we really might have made this movie for no one were you excited then to get to one of the first calls to do press was for comedy bang bang the podcast

yes

i would say uh all press has changed so dramatically that this is all press now yes and if you're a star that's the difference make comedy bang bang your first stop why not would love to have you.

Yes, thank you.

You know, plenty of fucking people listening to this show.

Hell yeah, more than watch some dumb movie on Hulu, right?

Right now.

Okay, sorry.

Okay, hold up.

Killing the wrong bird, my man.

Hold on.

Let's talk about the movie, Self-Reliance.

I've seen it, of course.

That's right.

I don't like to brag, but I watched it as you, the filmmaker, intended on a Hulu link with my email address prominently displayed the entire movie.

But it's a fascinating film.

You wrote and directed and star in it and produced the movie.

Tell me everything about it, even though I personally know, but tell our listeners.

So the movie's about a guy who gets a unique opportunity to go on a dark web game where he's got 30 days to survive while people are trying to hunt him.

And if he does it, he gets a million dollars.

And the opportunity comes and he thinks he hears the pitch and he thinks there's a loophole in the game.

And that is the hunters cannot kill him if he's with people.

That's right.

Because out of safety for the rest of the world, they don't want to ever kill anyone.

Because you bring up at a certain point, like, I don't want my mother to be shot.

Or anybody.

Like, if you're with somebody, I don't want to be playing some stupid game and put other people at risk.

Right.

So they say, as long as you're with people, you cannot be killed.

So Tommy, my character, believes, oh, I can lean in.

He's going through a lonely period and he thinks I could lean into my relationship with my mother and my sisters and be home.

And then we can divide up the money.

But this is a very easy win.

Now, it might be an awkward 30 days, but it's a million bucks.

And the problem comes when he tells his family they don't believe he's actually playing.

Yes.

It sounds like such a crazy situation, not to spoil anything, but our good friend Andy Sandberg is in the movie

playing himself.

Yes.

And he ties into it.

It just sounds like such a...

They believe he's making this up for attention.

Right.

And he has such a bad life leading up to this that it's not too far of a stretch for them to assume that you've gone off the deep end.

And this is just a sad way of saying, I want you guys to have sleepovers with me for 30 days, as opposed to saying, I'm fighting a lonely period and I want to be with you.

Right.

They think that he's saying, I'm in a bit of a rut.

And now because of this dark web game with a guy, I'm a big fan of Andy Sandberg, you need to be with me.

Right.

So they don't believe him.

And then that starts the movie.

And the movie is basically about, can he survive it?

And is the game real?

That's right.

It kind of reminded me of that wonderful David Fincher movie, The Game.

Now we're talking.

Yeah.

Well, a lot of people say about my stuff, it's me and Finch.

That's right.

You and the Finch fan.

So Finch and I, you know, he's a great guy.

We went back and forth on this a lot.

Really?

Oh, you know it's sessions?

Yeah, absolutely.

Well, he loves the movie.

Does he really?

He loves everything I've ever done.

He likes this podcast.

Oh, no, he's got to come on.

Yeah.

Finchy.

He's busy.

Oh, he's busy.

I understand that.

They're on stream.

Doing way too many takes.

Yeah, yeah.

Look, if he doesn't do 150 takes of every scene, he could do this show easily.

He's currently doing a take, but as soon as he's done on the next round of takes, he's in.

I love it.

I'd love to hear that.

Yeah.

But it also had, you know, the most dangerous game, of course.

And what were some of the other influences?

Well, the influences for me were Japanese reality shows where

there was a network that I'm not going to try to pronounce, but they were really pushing it in the early 2000s of what they could get away with on reality TV.

One of them, the one that really struck me that I thought was incredible, was they took a comedian who won out of 100 people and was selected, but he did not know what he was doing.

He gets into an apartment where there's cameras everywhere.

They take off all his clothes and then they leave him alone.

And the only way he can eat or get clothes or do anything is he has to win contests that he gets from newspapers and radio shows.

And it's a real thing.

Wow.

And so, but they push it over there.

So he needs to get food.

He needs to get rice.

Right.

Then he wins rice, but he doesn't know how to cook it.

So then he's got to win, you know, the instructions.

Yeah, and also like the cookware.

The cookware.

Yeah.

And he goes crazy.

There's a great documentary, but in a real way, because he, you know, at first it's really funny.

I'm on TV.

I'm a comedian.

This is good for my career.

And then it goes to like, I'm fucking starving.

And this isn't a joke.

And the crazier he gets, the funny it is for the audience.

Right.

And honestly, the funnier it was for me.

So you watched the entire thing.

Yeah.

You didn't just hear about the premise.

No, so I had seen this years ago.

And I I remember it was like, you know, back in the day when like Mr.

Show was bootlegged around.

And you remember like there was like different clips of stuff that you could see.

This was one of that that a friend had got pieces of.

Oh, wow.

And the darker it got, the more I liked it.

And then I forgot, I didn't think about the fact this is a human being suffering.

I just thought like, yeah, dude, he can't cook and he's dying.

And so that idea, and then I love reality shows.

And I love the reality shows, how it keeps pushing.

I love shows like Alone.

The MTV The Challenge is a show I used to really love because they would give these guys so much alcohol and cocaine, and their behavior would get insane.

Right.

And when somebody would have like a steroid cocaine attack and attack people, it made great television.

So, one thing I was reading was that you wrote this when COVID lockdowns were happening.

Did that tie into it at all?

The loneliness part of it?

So, it started before, I wrote this during the New Girl or New Girl.

Oh, wait, what was your your show called?

Well, honest to God.

Everybody says the, and now I don't know 100%,

but I think it's just New Girl.

I don't know.

Should we look it up or should we just let it lie?

All right, let's look it up.

What do you say?

I feel like it's the new girl.

Well, it is the new girl.

I just don't know if they put the girl.

It's in the mirror.

It's new girl.

Okay, yes.

It's new girl.

It is the new girl, but I think for the posters, taking away the looked better.

I see.

It's all about those posters.

Those posters launched our show.

It did.

Remember when shows got posters?

Yes.

Oh my God.

Remember when shows launched?

Oh, right.

Remember when people launched stuff?

Yeah.

As a group.

Remember back in the day when you would go driving around, suddenly one day there'd be, you'd look around, there'd be.

Everywhere you looked, there'd be a poster for a particular movie.

And it would be about a month out.

Yes.

And they would be like, oh, the ballad of Ricky Bobby Talladay.

We all knew it.

And everyone would be like, okay, countdown is on.

Look, you know, honestly, I really miss the time that, you know, a show like New Girl, a lot of like the cool comedy people didn't like it.

Some people liked it.

A lot of the audience liked it.

Who cares?

I miss the time when we all had one thing to have opinions on.

Yes.

Now people will be like, like the comedy world will be like, dude, this is amazing.

And I'll go, I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.

I watched stuff and I've never heard of it.

I'm like, we need one universal thing to like or not like as a group.

I feel like it happens, but then it'll be over so quickly.

I feel like I missed the week that everyone watched Tiger King.

And I just

and then and everyone just has already made every joke about it.

And then to go back feels like

you watch something from 20 years.

Yeah, so I was just like, pass.

So you got to watch everything the week it comes out.

And of course, we want to watch Self-Reliance this week.

No, it comes out.

That's a turn.

That's a goddamn pro.

That's why the stars aren't back.

The stars aren't back.

This is why you come here first.

But so I wrote it and I thought at the time, because Netflix and all those places were new and there was an era when they were new and we didn't know what they were going to be.

So this was when the networks were still king and the streamer.

And I thought I could do a network show.

And in the summer, I could do a limited series the way that you would do an indie movie.

Right.

I thought, like, why?

So, this started as a series.

So, this was a three-season show, and I made the mistake.

I had like a hundred-page Bible, and my pitch was a good hour and a half.

And JKJ gets manic when I get cooking.

And that pitch was like, okay, so, okay, so then

season two, episode four.

Hold on, okay, I didn't mention this character yet.

So, Ricky, Ricky, do do you remember Ricky?

And I just was gunning and sweaty on the back afterwards.

And when I was finished, it was my novel.

And they passed.

They were working on the show Maniac at the time.

And they said, like, it's too similar.

And that one's too far along.

And we're too excited about it.

Maniac is the Jonah Hill.

Jonah Hill and the Stonewall.

Right, right, right.

And again, I missed that one.

Me too.

Yeah.

But they thought that was going to be a big moment.

And so then it...

How wrong they were.

Neither of us watched it.

Yeah, exactly.

And so I let it die.

I didn't want to pitch it anymore.

And then when the pandemic happened.

So you're a quitter.

I mean, yeah.

Okay, good to know.

Who the fuck isn't?

A bunch of fake people who pretend they're not?

Good point.

Good point.

And so during the pandemic, I had had a pilot at Apple and I got a call saying there's a good chance the business will never be what it used to be.

Pre-vaccines, they said it might be no crew.

It might be, you know, you're doing singles on your own, sending it in.

And they said, but don't worry, the business is coming back.

There'll still be work.

And I thought, like, fucking pass.

I don't want to do that.

So I decided I like to, I like to work every day, no matter what, for sanity reasons.

Even on weekends, really.

I like to put something in every day.

Really?

Even on Sunday, the Lord's Day.

Yeah.

Really?

That's an affront to the Lord.

Well, yeah, I'm okay with it.

You're okay with this?

All right.

I mean, as a half Jew, half Catholic, I don't know which Lord would be mad at me.

That's true.

Yeah.

I think think I'm fine.

Old Testament, New Testament.

Who knows?

Never been to a temple or a church.

You think there will be a half heaven for people like you?

Yeah, it's called Earth.

I'm in it, man.

So you decide, at what point do you say, like, okay, this has got to be a film?

Well, I thought.

I'm not going to be able to sell a TV show like this again, but I could probably get a little bit of money.

And if not, I've self-financed some small ones with my buddy Joe.

And then during the pandemic, my friend Trent and I made one.

And I was like, we can make a movie for $250,000 that can recoup and make some money.

So I thought, no matter what, I'll make this movie.

And then Allie Bell got a draft of it and said, don't do this in your backyard.

Let's make this for real.

They came on board.

She was the real animal behind it.

Great.

Yeah, I love Allie.

Allie's a killer.

And Akiva Andy agreed to come on and play that part.

Right.

And now it's a real movie with

sets and lights.

And at one point, I was like, I hear what they're saying.

There must be microphones.

I mean, we had a real budget.

We had a movie.

We shot it in 17 days.

17, really?

Okay.

Anna Kendrick came on.

Christopher Lloyd came on.

We also have Mary Holland, who listeners of this show will know, definitely.

I think she is, and I've told it to her face a lot, but I think she's a Phil Hartman type.

You say that to her face.

Yeah.

I say it behind her back.

We're saying it behind her back right now, my man.

That's true.

I'm never going to tell her to her face, though.

She probably won't listen either.

She's listening to every podcast.

Everybody's doing

it.

She's a fan.

Well, it's a really fascinating movie.

Kept me guessing all the way up till the end.

And,

you know, it's got laughs.

It's got action.

And I mean, what more do you want from a movie?

You know, I really enjoy it.

I think it's a really fun 90 minutes.

And I hope people check it out on Hulu for free.

Yeah, for free.

Well, I mean, you got to pay for Hulu, I would imagine.

Unless you're like passing by one of those old TV stores that has a playing.

I miss those.

You're aging us.

You're aging us.

I miss it when you could just walk by a TV store and then suddenly there's like a news item that pertains to your life.

Especially when it was like over Christmas and there's snow outside because you're in the Midwest.

I love these days.

Well, it's out right now.

I was instructed when stars are back, that means their publicists are also back.

So I was instructed by your publicist to also bring up a couple other things.

You have a podcast called We Are Here to Help.

Yes.

Now, what exactly is this?

So it's a podcast I do with my buddy Gareth Reynolds from The Dollop.

And it's a call-in show where people kind of call in and we, the three of us, Gareth, myself, and then we've had our friends, different guests coming on to help, try to get involved in their life and figure out what the question is and try to help.

And we've done a bunch of them at this point, and we've kind of had a lot of fun.

And the

zone that we've kind of found works best for us is the smaller the problem, the more insignificant but important to them, the more wheelhouse for our show.

So I asked people to check it out.

Okay, yeah.

And, you know, I had assumed when the SAG strike was over that stars would give up on all their podcasts, but no, you're still doing yours.

I started mine.

Yeah, remember when I said I always like to work on something?

That's true.

I'm not writing a spec script during a strike.

You're also,

I would hate to neglect to mention, you also play the part of Peter B.

Parker in the Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse movies.

And I don't know if you had the experience.

I mean, obviously, you didn't because you're in it, but the experience that I had that a lot of the audience had, and I've brought this up to Brian Michael Bendis, of course, creator of Miles Morales, that I believe he should be tried at the Hague for what happened in that movie where it just stopped in the middle and then was like, oh, by the way, yeah, just come to our other one.

What do you think about that?

I didn't have the same reaction as you.

Really?

No, I thought.

Do you get paid for two movies or are they trying to give you this one of these like, eh, we're just going to turn it into two, but you already recorded everything.

You got paid for two.

You got paid for two.

All right.

Yeah, they're two movies.

They are two movies.

Although it really should be one four-hour or five-hour movie, shouldn't it?

Well, then we're entering a really insane world.

Well, I mean, I went to see Killers of the Fucking Flower Moon.

They could have split that.

Scorsese, you don't like the Marvel universe?

Split that one up.

So I don't want to spend five fucking hours in the middle of the day.

You were genuinely annoyed when that one ended that it didn't fit and wrap it up.

Yeah.

I was ready to start shit.

I was ready for a January 6th movie edition.

That's so funny.

No, so my experience is different because I record in the booth, but I don't get full scripts.

Really?

What do they give you?

Do they even give you the other side of the conversation or do you have to?

Well, yeah, well, I mean, you record with a lot of other actors.

So we might, we'll do the entire scenes, but I don't know what the whole movie is.

And so I did experience that essentially the way you did.

And the first one, I didn't see anything until the movie was done.

Really?

So the animation, I had no idea how.

Were you surprised by how well it came together?

I thought this was going to be a shit shot.

Well, I'd also done a bit in Smurfs.

So just for contrast.

Well, when I saw that one, I thought like, looks like Smurfs.

Right.

It talks like Smurfs.

I think they're Smurfs.

I got to say.

I think it's the movie, guys.

So this could have been

a Spider-Man movie where you introduced Miles Morales and the animation, what they did.

I was like, oh, I hadn't wrapped my head around around what you're doing.

And for the second one, what they do in it.

The animation is

fucking shocking.

It is crazy how sophisticated it is.

And so I'm like, yeah, I mean, the story said, I couldn't sit there for five hours.

I was like, I was like, you're in it.

And you couldn't sit there for five hours.

I'll see the next one.

I'm excited to.

So then every movie should, unless it's 90 minutes, like, of course, self-reliance on Hulu currently.

Anything over 90, split it into two movies.

No.

No.

But if your visuals are as stunning as Spider-Verse and you're over two hours, I'm okay to wait a little bit for the next

one.

Now, if I stop self-reliance after 45 minutes and do self-reliance too and pay myself twice, I'm a king.

That's a deal, Fran Drestra.

I want to win for us.

Fran, are you listening?

Of course, you're listening to me.

Take every sitcom, divide it in two, 13-minute episodes.

That's right.

Although, I was reading that there, I believe there's an article out there that takes the Irishman and tells you when you should

what it feels like to watch The Irishman as a limited series.

Like, stop it here.

Is that true?

Yes.

Because who has fucking four hours to watch The Irishman one day pass?

You know?

What a funny way of doing it, though.

And then you stop, take the night.

Yeah.

Think about it.

I've thought about this.

There's nothing worse than, because I have the movie show that I do, and just you assume a movie is going to be.

Under two.

Agreed.

And I like 90.

90 is good.

And then you start it.

And then you see that runtime of like two hours, 45 minutes, sometimes over three.

Oh, my God.

I can't do three.

I'm a big score Sazy guy.

I haven't seen the movie.

I don't know when I am unless there's an article that tells me when I could stop.

And I'm not being an asshole.

I don't want to be disrespectful.

No.

But if you say like, hey, here's a natural stop.

Natural progression.

There's four days when all of a sudden the whole family's asleep.

And I go, I'm not tired.

I got an hour and a half.

Exactly.

I think, well, I.

It's a good win.

I think you can do that for Killers of the Flower movie.

It spans so many years that it's once like an era ends.

Yes, exactly.

Slowly fade your TV.

Movies used to have like, you know, Ben Hur would have an intermission in the middle.

You know, it's like, that's a anyway.

But Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse, if you

want to see the end of the story, you got to pay for two movies.

No, you have to pay for one.

You've already seen the first half.

Well, you don't have to see the first one.

Okay, but.

I was told you want to promote this first one.

Yes.

Why?

If it's been out for, I guess it's in the they tell me it's in the the window of the

home video.

Oh, that's for real.

I'm supposed to promote this.

Yes.

Well, I mean, I'm supposed to bring it up.

Whoa.

They promised me Spider-Man merch if I talk about it.

And I said, well, I probably have all the merch, but I'll sell it on eBay.

I don't know what I would promote for that besides.

It's out in home video now.

But it's been on home video.

I know, but I was told to talk about it.

No.

Take this up with your people.

So the movie's called.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, who's this?

Sorry, who's this?

I'm maribel and i am jake's publicist i do sorry maribel i i i didn't see you in the corner there how long have you been there she's oh i've been here for quite a while she's always here oh i thanks for coming of course

you know i'm always looking out for you i know thank you um

the reason we're promoting it is to to put it back in people's minds for when the second half comes out.

I see.

Okay.

So you want to remind everyone that it exists?

It exists.

Did Sony show you that, Maribel?

Are you just going off the jack here?

Sony actually told me this was dumb.

And I said...

This is your call.

Because you're my call.

Okay, never mind.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Yes.

So, what was the conversation with Sony?

I said, I called.

Okay.

I called up Sony and I said.

You called Sony?

Yes.

Yes.

She presents me.

I met almost all the time.

I call the studies all the time.

Also, by the way, thank you for calling Sony.

Of course.

I have a weekly call with them.

You do?

Yes.

Who is Sony?

Everybody.

But specifically.

Okay.

It's Tony, it's Rob, Tony Sony, Tony's Tony, the whole Sony family.

I heard my name.

Oh, Tony, what are you doing here?

Well, I thought I'd come by.

I just want to make sure you know we're doing a good job.

What an honor.

Thank you for coming.

Okay, well, you know what?

I'm glad you're here, Tony.

Yeah.

Because let's settle this right now.

And you guys be the judge.

Well, you can't.

Scott, you have to be judged.

If you're impartial, well, don't be executioner.

You said executioner.

I like that.

My word.

All right.

So,

is it,

as Tony says, dumb to promote a movie that's been out for years?

I don't know that it's been out for years.

How long has it been out?

It's been out for what, almost a year.

No, no, no.

No, no, Tony.

Your movie, I would say, I think it was the summer.

Nine months or something.

Maybe it feels longer.

In show business terms, that's years.

Yeah, that's true.

By the way, it is.

In actress terms, by the why?

You don't work anymore.

Exactly.

Invisible.

You're dead.

You're done.

You're dead.

In six months.

We agree on that.

In six months, you're dead.

In six months, you're dead.

You're done.

You cook.

That's what I always say.

Tony seems to be different.

Now you seem to be a publicist, too, Tony.

Maribel, can I say you have the deepest voice, and Tony, you have the highest voice.

And also, Tony feels like a manager in New York in the early 80s.

You're done, honey.

You got nothing, kiddo.

Okay, get the hell out of here.

You can't dance, you can't sing, you got nothing, big nose.

Tony, how did you start in this business?

Well, you know, I worked my way up at the at the pizza place.

Wait, Sony started as a pizza place?

Sony was originally a pizzeria.

I started making the dough, making the pies.

Get the hell out of here.

It was so New York.

It was the so New York

pizza.

So New York, Sony.

Sony.

Yes.

I understand.

So, what's the deal with the New York pizza?

Is it the water?

It is the water.

It is the water.

It is the water.

We piss in the water.

You piss in the water in New York?

That's how we do it in these times.

What era was this when you were making these pizzas pre-Sony start?

Beautiful 82.

I thought Sony was like one of our oldest studios.

It actually started as a pizza place in the 80s.

Oh, wait, you're talking about the movie studio.

Wait, are you not part?

Oh, you're talking about the movie.

I don't call the movie studio on a weekly basis.

They just call it this pizza place so New York every week?

Yeah.

Why?

To talk to my friend Tony Sony.

Yeah.

And represent me, and I appreciate it.

You're welcome, of course.

Is Mirabel just mispronouncing your name?

Is your name Tony so New York?

Yeah.

But we're friends.

Forget about it.

All right.

There's your proof.

Tony's New York.

True New York.

All right.

I will forget about it.

Don't forget to mention New Girl.

Okay.

So New Girl is on Hulu right now.

Is it on Hulu right now?

Hey, I'm sorry.

It's the New Girl.

Thank you, Tony.

Tony, we have.

Oh, my God.

What?

You're going to rip that old wound open again?

Hey, don't get me going, okay?

I don't want to hit a woman.

Hey.

Wait, so Tony hits you, Maribel?

Tony has fainted at me, F-E-I,

several times, and I've done it to him.

Hey, it's just fun.

I just play.

Okay.

He's a playful guy.

Yeah.

He's a playfully threatening guy.

Yeah, you seem very fun.

Will you hit me?

Hey!

Oh, wait, no, you're here.

Isn't that fun?

You want me to go away?

All right, yeah, I'm going to go make some pies out on the astrophysics.

So, Tony, you have nothing to do with your

No, no, I just.

It's just pizza.

Yeah, it's just pizza.

So, why did you come to Tony Hasris?

Tony has received it.

You love it.

Oh, you love it.

My gumas, she comes, she eats the pizza.

Okay, okay.

He wants me to go, I'll get out of here.

I want you to go.

I'm going to settle this argument.

It is dumb.

I think it is dumb to talk about this spider first.

Wow.

Okay.

Are you sure you want to continue doing this show?

Yeah, I'm having a nice time.

Do you think I should or what do you want?

No, no, I defer to you.

No, no, no, no.

You're the master.

If it were me.

You're the puppeteer.

I'm the puppet.

Now, that's, I wish that were true, but it's not.

Tell me your top three clients that you told me when you sold to me about I should be giving you the $45,000 a month.

Who do you got and who have you made big stars?

Almost an Apple TV plus a subscription.

Who do we got?

Who are the kids?

Who Brad Garrett?

Brad Garrett.

Oh, man.

I know someone, by the way, who loves Brad Garrett.

Who?

America.

America, but

a certain man named Fred Guinness.

We talked to him last year about it.

I don't care.

Okay.

Number two, Cindy Lauper.

Cindy Lauper is number two.

Yeah, okay.

What is going on with Cindy these days?

Everything you've seen.

She's singing.

She's very commercials.

Oh, okay.

Sure.

I haven't seen either of these.

And you haven't seen either?

You've singing or commercials?

I haven't seen singing or commercials.

I've got to check out.

You've seen Brad's commercials, though, yeah.

No, I.

Jimmy Johns.

Jimmy Johnson.

Jimmy John's got the bust.

He does Jimmy Johns.

Yeah, he does Jimmy Johns.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He just got cast in something, I believe.

I texted that to my friend.

Yes.

Brad was very mad about the strike.

And were you okay?

Okay with some of his comments?

That was a nice.

He got hot.

He got hot.

There's a deal upcoming to be put into the show.

He didn't.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was a lot of unwanted attention because my third big client, of course, is Kevin Spacey.

And I am

trying to bring him back.

He gets a bad rap.

Bad rap.

Oh, maybe we should use the word rap.

Anyway, sorry.

It's because of his rap career.

Yeah, let's say that.

So, what were we talking about?

I have to get out of here.

To be honest, Mirabel, I don't know.

I goodbye.

I think you need uh, Kevin Spacey.

Come on, Daddy.

I'm gonna go to my guma.

Take care of my gumpa.

All right, take care of your guma.

I'm sorry about that, Jay.

Well, although they're your people,

I should say, I'm sorry about bringing my trash into your house.

Every man's trash is, but I will say, uh, she really is the best publicist.

She really is.

She really set me back on my heels.

Yeah, what she has done for Cindy, for Brad.

I mean, she's,

well, Kevin.

You hear about him, right?

Well, Kevin's back.

Yeah, any PR is good PR.

Kevin, any Canvas.

I heard that she was the person who said, hey, you should do those videos every year around Christmas.

Where you're doing the accent?

Okay, well, look, Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse.

I don't think we need to say anything more about it, but it's out there.

A sequel is coming, although we don't know when.

Do you know when?

I don't know when.

No.

You don't know when.

You're not the first person they call.

No.

Mirabel?

New girl.

New girl.

New girl.

New girl.

Okay, new girl on Hulu.

We're here to help.

Are the episodes out?

This is what I'm confused about.

We've done a bunch of episodes.

We've done about 30.

We're over a head gum.

We're having a lot of fun.

Okay.

And then Self-Reliance, people can watch it now.

It's a really fascinating film.

Very funny and very touching.

And, you know, if you're watching every single Anak Hendrick movie, this one's got to go on the list.

So you got to check it off.

And Mary Holland, such a great cast.

We need to take a break.

When we come back, we have a singer-songwriter.

All right, have you ever sung a song or uh written one?

No, neither of those things, not even a karaoke.

No, you've never written a song for karaoke?

I've never written for karaoke.

No, I would love that's a that's a job I want to have writing for karaoke.

Uh, we also have a writer uh coming up.

This is a pack show, Jake.

I'm so glad you're here.

Yeah,

um, we're gonna come right back.

We'll have more from Jake Johnson, we'll have more comedy bang bang.

We'll be right back after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.

Jake Johnson is here.

The titular Spider-Man.

Are you the titular Spider-Man, or do you consider Miles Morales, or just any Spider-Man?

Because you're one of the Spider-Man.

Yeah.

Do you consider Miles Morales to be the titular Spider-Man, or can you say, like, I play the title character in Spider-Man Across?

No, I don't think Peter B.

Parker is the title character, but I love it.

But you are Spider-Man.

on the film.

I'm one of the Spider-Man.

Technically, you could say that.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah, you play Spider-Man.

Isn't that strange?

Okay, who's played Spider-Man on film?

You have Toby Maguire.

Yeah.

You have

Andrew Garfield, which, by the way, our friend Neil Campbell once said that if you would have told him as a kid that he would read the headline saying, Garfield plays Spider-Man, he would have been so excited.

So you're a big Spider-Man guy.

Who is your favorite live-action Spider-Man?

I enjoy the current movies probably the best.

Tom Holland.

Yes, I do.

I think those are the best representation of the character.

They have the feel of it, I think.

Although I love that first one with Toby McGuire.

And who's the worst?

Oh, so Andrew Garfield's the worst.

Those movies are perhaps not my cup of tea.

You're not in love with those.

What about that lizard?

Oh, hey.

This is Maribel, by the way.

This is our next guest.

No, no, no, this isn't Mirabel.

No.

Scott, I hope you don't mind my jumping in.

No, I'm sorry.

I heard you talking about the Spider-Verse.

I got very excited.

Yeah, we do need to get to our next guest, but that's okay.

Yeah, he's the singer-songwriter I was telling you about.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I mean,

I didn't want to introduce you and call you your actual job, which is you don't have one.

That's true.

I'm independently wealthy.

You're independently, so I don't know how to describe you other than a divorcee.

Well, you know what?

If the shoe fits, yeah, it does.

And it's fit so many times.

Please welcome to the show.

Back to the show, Alamoni Tony.

Hello, Scott.

Hello, Jake.

Nice to meet you.

Great to meet you too, Tony.

My name is Tony Giacchirodi, better known as Alamoni Tony.

Big fan, Tony.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you very much.

of my song parodies?

Yes.

Really?

That's so interesting because Fred Guinness was on the show recently and was saying that the records guy.

Yeah, the record.

He's also a song parodist.

I don't know if you know this.

No.

Oh, you're talking about the Brad Garrett guy?

Yeah, he loves Brad Garrett, and he happens to be a

song parodist, not a song Garrett.

But he also is, he runs the Guinness Book of World Records.

And that's his main gig.

But he was telling me,

he was throwing shade at you.

He was saying that your videos only have one view and that's your own view.

That is true.

And you won't even watch a second time to get a second view.

That is, because

I can't stand that.

Your voice?

No, the embarrassment of adding another view and it's me again.

Right.

Do you know what I mean?

But no one knows this.

I know it.

Okay.

It's a private little hell, but it's mine.

So, Jake, how would you even know about Alimoni Tony's song parody?

Word on the Streets.

Oh, Word on the Streets.

I listened to a bootleg of it.

Oh.

Similar to the Japanese shows.

Somebody, I just remember being in a van.

I was younger, very stoned.

And someone said,

This guy's the best.

I think it was a cassette.

Oh, wow.

My street team is working.

Yeah.

This is great.

But so I wouldn't have registered on any clicks or anything.

This was pre-internet, I feel.

Yes, that's how I started.

And I've decided to bring that back.

And I'm having, I've got a team of kids going out there and they're distributing cassettes.

And they are, of course, spray painting stencils on the sidewalk.

We're in a body all the way to the bottom.

Okay, wow.

So the word's getting out.

The word word is getting.

I think the word's spreading, don't you?

I mean, I know who you are.

You've been on the show several times, but I don't know that I've seen evidence of it in the world.

My first appearance, of course, was

very funny.

But primarily, what you're known for, for those of you who are new listeners to Comedy Bang Bang, you've been on the show many times, but

primarily you're known for being a person who has gotten married and divorced multiple times.

Yes.

How many times are we up to now?

Well, since the last time time we've seen each other, Scott, it's probably the early 60s.

You're in your, wow, your early 60s.

Try to get that up to 69.

What do you say about that?

Well, I hope that doesn't happen.

I mean, you know, the thing is.

Of course, I always marry for love.

I always think it's going to work out.

I always give it my all.

But it just doesn't work out sometimes.

It doesn't.

But the one thing about you is the one silver lining on this cloud is you love paying alibi.

I love paying alimony.

Oh, it gives me such a rush.

Now, again, I do not get married just so I can get divorced to pay alimony.

I marry for love, but I do love paying alimony.

Oh, I love writing those checks.

Wow.

So now you're paying, I don't know that you're paying over 60 people alimony because, of course, some get remarried, some pass away.

I still send them the alimony, though.

To their grave site

in lieu of flowers.

I will send that.

To the survivors.

To the survivors.

Oh, yeah.

To the survivors, really.

You're not legally obligated to do this.

No, I'm not, but I just, well, I'd love paying alimony.

But also, I, of course, I've remained on friendly terms with every single ex-wife that I've had.

Wow.

That's right.

They love him.

That's nice.

Yeah, it is.

Some refuse the alimony.

They don't want it.

They say, Tony, it just didn't work out.

No hard feelings.

Nobody's at fault here.

But I still sent them the check.

And sometimes they send it back.

Sometimes they send it back ripped up.

Wow.

Sometimes they send it back with like a funny little message on it, like, nice try.

Things like that.

Any kids?

Yeah, do you have kids?

I don't know.

No, no kids.

I am, as they say, Baron.

Oh, you.

Yes.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know if that's come up before.

I don't think it has.

I have what is called no motility.

Oh, really?

So

everything's dead in there.

It's just dead.

So they're all in there.

They're all in there floating around.

Belly up.

Can you expel them?

Well, I mean, yes.

Okay.

I mean,

there is a way to do that.

Okay, so I don't know how far you got in school.

I just want to make sure that these aren't like sperms that are multiple decades old.

I'm kind of with you, scott it seems like they might just be living in there no i've had sex okay okay good good with all the women with all the women oh except for one what happened there was one who was asexual i married an asexual lady oh and you did you know that going in i did know that going in and i said well make it work well we did make it work

because then she started wanting sex but not for me

how long did that one last That one lasted five weeks.

I think we'd still be together today, but she got struck by lightning and completely changed her personality.

Oh, really?

Did we talk about this in a previous episode?

I don't think so.

Oh, okay.

I think you would remember, Scott, no?

I'm remembering some sort of struggle.

Oh, yeah, the four-year person.

I don't remember.

I'm remembering some sort of struck by lightning.

It's been almost 15 years at this point.

How many years?

It's fun to do that.

Who's the, do you mind if I ask who the love of your life is?

Are you currently married or are you currently divorcing?

I know you're

currently divorced.

I'm so sorry.

Just was finalized yesterday, so I'm going to be probably,

you know, alone for a little while.

I'm so, so sorry.

Who is this person?

Her name was Gretchen.

Gretchen.

And we met in an airport lounge.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Okay.

A private lounge or was it extremely private lounge?

How private are we talking?

It's not visible to people in the airport.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, you have to know where to look.

Oh, all right.

And was it how many people were in this if it was that private?

There was three of us.

Just three of you.

Yes.

Me, Gretchen, and Captain Salisa Lobergo, the hero of the Hudson.

I've had him on this show, though.

He's he saved so many souls that one day, so many souls.

Uh, but you know, most of the people they don't talk about this because it kind of is a black eye on the story.

But most of the people that he saved, they lost their feet to frostbite.

What?

Yes,

being in the Hudson River, yeah, standing on the wires.

It was the extraordinarily cold winter.

They had to stand on that wig

in the water, you know, no, and uh, they lost their feet to frostbite.

I'd rather die, same, yeah, 100%.

Yeah, just

I curse that pilot.

You took away my feet, Jack.

You took away my feet.

That didn't come up in the movie, in the Tom Hanks movie.

Or it was cut out.

Yeah.

Oh, that's true.

Yeah.

They made an allusion to it in the movie with Denzel Washington.

Or it's going to be in part two.

That's right.

That you're going to be very mad about.

Well, I remember when Sully ended, I was like, what?

Same.

Just

now?

The last time I had that feeling was when I went to see The Hobbit and did not realize that was a trilogy.

And when that movie ended, I was surprised and angry.

What is the deal?

Sully and Oppenheimer, they're both like, hey, here's the interesting part of their life.

Here's another hour about like a random thing that happened in them.

What's going on?

I feel the same way about Castaway.

Do you really?

Cut out the beginning of the end.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm interested in the dude

and his volleyball, his relationship with.

That's what people care about, the dude of the volleyball.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't need to see him going back to Helen Hunt and then getting closure and then like standing in the the middle of the seafood buffet

spoils for the last scene of Castaway standing.

Wouldn't those people be that dumb, do you think?

This guy's been stranded on an island for multiple years.

Let's have a big crab feast for him.

I don't think they'd be that stupid.

They'd be like, it would be, it would be, in real life, it would be all McDonald's.

That's what it would be.

It would be like

every fast food place you could think of.

Like Donald Trump should have catered it.

It would have been very branded content.

Yeah, absolutely.

Donald Trump, by the way, should just get into catering.

He really should.

He's good at it.

He really should.

I don't know.

I don't understand this guy.

Anyway,

so

Gretchen, I'm so sorry.

So you got together at the airport lounge.

Yes, on Christmas Eve.

On Christmas Eve.

So this is just recent.

It felt like a romantic comedy.

Was anything funny happening?

Oh, I guess not.

So it just, but it felt like a romance.

It felt like the romance part of the romantic comedy, which is not funny.

No, no, but the best part of a rom-com, I would say.

What is the most laugh-out-loud romantic comedy, would you say?

Where you just busted a gut.

Busting a gut.

I don't know, Jake, you've been in your share

of rom-coms, haven't you?

You've been a rom-com with Cher?

A bunch of them.

This is exciting.

We've been in a trilogy.

We're filming the third one right now.

Really?

It's been really fun.

She's a good kisser.

Yeah, she's wonderful.

She's such a trilogy.

Yeah,

she's a great actor.

She's been a lot of fun.

Absolutely.

She's got a wonderful voice.

I don't know if you know that, but she's a singer.

She's a singer as well.

She dances, and her fashion is through the roll.

Really beautiful stuff.

It's going to be on Hulucho.

God, I wish you could meet Cher because I'd love to meet her.

Guys, guys.

Cher's in my car.

Share?

In your car?

That sounds wrong.

It does.

She doesn't have to.

Are the windows down?

No, I've got to test.

I got the

riding of the sidewalk?

Hot enough to cry, Cher's brain.

She is here, though.

Can you do you want me to text and she can come in?

Totally opposite.

I don't care.

I can ask her.

I'm totally nervous.

You don't tell Shar.

You don't tell Sarah things.

You ask her if she's.

I would say this.

If you're going to come in for the marriage, go slow.

She's been hurt.

Sure.

She believes in love.

She believes in love, but you got to go slow.

That's right.

Yeah.

If she could turn back time.

Remember her on the boat with the big gun?

She famously said, if I could turn back time.

Not I can turn back time.

I believe I said if, but yes.

You didn't.

I do know.

She could turn back time.

No, guys, guys, guys, the original version is I can turn back time.

Oh, wow.

I know that talked to the share about it.

You would know.

Is her bragging about her?

No, that was her version, and it was an executive thing.

We all hate executives.

They said, if you say, ah, you're going to alienate the audience.

Don't say that.

Don't say that.

Who is that?

That's Maribel.

This is Alimony Tony.

Hello.

Hello, dear.

How are you?

Are you single?

Why is she staring at me?

Why isn't she talking to you?

I don't know.

She's just staring at me.

Did I say something?

We're all here.

Get her out of here.

I'm so sorry.

Tony.

Hey, guys,

Tony, you know Tony?

I know Tony, Tony, of course.

Tony, Tony, Tony.

How are you doing?

We have the same guma.

Talk about Tony.

Cher is a yes.

Cher's coming.

She's coming.

She's excited.

She's a big fan.

Tony, I think you better leave.

Not you, Tony.

Me, I need to get out of here.

I'm going to go.

Yeah, it's getting too crowded.

I want to beat Cher sucks to me.

So I do need to just say this about Cher really quickly to you as the guy writing the interview.

No questions about her past, nothing about the wardrobe.

Everything has to be very positive.

So nothing about the past.

What about the present?

Can we talk about the present?

I wouldn't talk too much about the present.

Future?

Potentially a little bit about the future.

She likes things, if possible, sing-songy.

Sing-songy.

Okay, well,

I know, but I don't want

to worry.

How are you, honey?

Hello, Cher.

Nice to have you here.

I love when people sing.

Does he have to continue or can he talk regular?

Because he's showing such respect.

You you can talk regular.

Cher, thank you so much.

It's such a pleasure.

It's so hot in the car.

I'm sorry.

Oh, I thought I turned the dog thing on.

No, it's too hot.

You're so sweaty.

I'm so sweaty and wet.

And you look beautiful.

Cher, may I say hello?

My name is Tony Giaccharotti.

I'm a huge fan of yours.

Oh, hello.

It's just a thrill to meet you.

That's nice.

And are you, I hope this is too forward a question.

Are you currently single, Cher?

I am, yes.

Chef on TV.

Well, she's a movie.

We're shooting a rom-com, and there's a lot of rumors about on-set.

Oh, especially what's happening.

Well, what's happening?

Yeah, there's a lot of like what's happening on set is going home with them.

There's a lot of turmoil.

And is it true?

No, we can't comment.

We can't comment on that, but it's true.

This is like,

wow, this is like

we can't comment on it, but it's definitely happening.

Well, it's like the Sydney Sweeney Glenn Powell movie.

Exactly.

well that's our competition because we're coming out this weekend too oh you are yeah but we're out they've just dwarfed us a little bit oh and you're also going to mimic that uh that that trailer we're doing the same thing yes absolutely i think everyone should well we did it just didn't catch on we haven't it just has like nine views oh i see but we do the bit that's eight more than you have get ready for number 10

scott sorry i don't like you i i'm just stating friends no we are friends we like each other we like each other yes we don't have a combative relationship

i mean it's okay for you to josh me i i shouldn't do so so.

Of course.

Bit skimmed.

Let's go back to Cher here.

Cher.

Oh, no.

I'm going to go sit in the car.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let me sit in the car.

Have you sit in the car some more?

Before you go, and I know we do this on set, and I know you love it.

I love it so much.

Will you give him a taste of your beautiful singing?

Because when she does this on set, she's being shy.

But I know this woman.

I'm so shy.

When she gets pimped into a song, she acts like she doesn't love it, but then her voice is beautiful.

Don't make me sing.

Come on, Sharon.

Oh, I hate it.

Don't make me sing.

Come on, Shane.

Oh.

What song are you going to sing?

Oh, one of my classics.

If I could turn back time.

If I could turn back time.

Oh, that's the Chevrolet.

Tony, do you sing?

I mean, I sing after a fashion.

Yeah, do one of your song parodies to If I Could Turn Back Time.

Oh, okay.

So song parody of Shev's If I Could Turn Back Time.

Let's see.

So it's about Turning Back Time.

That's Impossible to Do.

What is something funny about impossibility?

I'm going to say, uh, impossible burger.

Hold on, hold on, Scott.

Uh, you're on my process.

Uh, uh,

incredible

person, Sisyphus, uh, pushing the rock up the hill, but then it comes back down.

I thought it possibly does it, but uh, then he has to do it again.

Uh, okay, what else is impossible?

Now, a possible burger is in my brain.

I can't get it out of that.

I hate it.

I'm sorry that I put that in there.

I'm gonna have to go with it.

There's gotta be something in there, impossible burger.

Okay, okay,

I was gonna,

impossible burger.

Uh, check back time.

Okay.

If I could check back down, find a way.

Okay.

If.

Maybe it'll start with the same word.

Tomato.

Maybe something wrong with if.

Scott, you're really getting at my brain.

Tiff, the Toronto international filter.

Maybe it's a song about Tiff, you eating an impossible burger at Tiff.

And it costs a dime.

Tiff I could stand in line.

He's doing it.

Tiff I could

get some food.

I would get a false burger

to watch the movie

through.

Oh, no.

Cher, I'm so sorry.

Sure,

I've never done a song parody of someone's song while the person was here.

This is impossible.

It's all good.

I thought it was fantastic.

Thank you.

You liked that share.

Oh, I loved it.

I loved every single.

I love when men sang to me.

Can I ask you a question?

Do you find Alimony Tony attractive at all?

Sure.

Oh, yeah.

No.

Sure.

Tony, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure.

I'm sorry, Cherry.

Just take a break.

Jake, it's all good.

I'll go sit in the corner.

No, Jake, you can talk talk to Tony with me here.

Oh, okay.

I thought you're going to have me go in a corner with Sherry.

Come here, come to the corner with me.

No, no, no.

Jake's coming with me.

We'll sit in the corner.

Over here, Jake.

I don't know what it's like.

Over here.

Okay,

squeaky.

Share, you got anything?

Yeah, no, I got a.

What about it?

I'll go with Scott.

I'll go with Scott.

Share's an exotic snake.

Tony, Jake, and I want to talk to you.

What's up?

Locker room talk?

Here we go.

Doesn't feel like locker room talking.

Trap him by the pussy.

Cool.

Wow.

No, I think you have a shower with Scott.

I do too.

100%.

But aren't you having an affair with her?

No, we're just doing it for PR.

I think she likes you.

I think she genuinely likes you.

She likes me, likes me.

Yeah.

Here's the problem.

Yeah.

I think no court in this United States of America.

Share is so wealthy.

I don't think any court in the United States is going to award her alimony should you ever break up.

You don't understand.

What about the piss then?

Alimony is not about the legal system.

Harimoni is about me taking care of stuff.

I know, but here's what's going to happen.

This is what I worry is going to happen.

Right.

You're going to just dive headfirst into a relationship with Cher.

Fall in love.

Already there.

You're going to break up.

And then the court will award you alimony.

And suddenly you'll be paid out.

And Scott, it'll be so much.

It'll cost

460 other ones.

And more.

Look, look, look, look, look.

I appreciate the gesture, gentlemen, but don't forget, I have more money than you could possibly imagine.

Well, Alimoni Tony is the inventor of what was.

No, I didn't invent it.

Professor your mother.

Yeah.

What was it?

She invented gaseous paper.

Gaseous paper.

It's paper that turns into gas once you write on it.

Yes.

And what use?

It was for use in the space program.

So they wouldn't have a bunch of paper floating around.

Right.

It was like directions of how to fly a rocket, right?

And then once they launched it.

I don't think I ever said that.

That seems.

Hey, can I get a moment, Scott?

We don't need this anymore.

I would hope there's more trading than that.

Once it's up in in the air, it just dissolves.

Hey, Scott.

You really tickled yourself.

I know the share likes guys who made all their money from their mother's inventions.

Really?

Yeah.

Like, I know women, especially older women, and that's a turn-up.

Ooh, there's a pop for every lid.

Yeah.

I was hoping that Scott just heard that, Tony.

Oh, yeah.

That's why I said you were having a bad time.

That's why I did the hey, whisper.

Hey, Scott.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, we're still standing in a tight circle.

I know, but I was hoping that he could relate it.

I couldn't help but hear it.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't trying to eavesdrop.

I promise.

Okay, I understand.

Hey, Alimony, Tony.

Jake is really

bugging me with this whole like, God, you're not.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, wait, no, you're right here.

You said, hey, Tony, I didn't listen.

What did you say?

Oh, okay.

See, this is a polite guy.

Yeah, I didn't hear a thing you said to me.

Turn his ears up.

But I got a few things I want to pitch you about, Tony.

All right, Tony.

I guess Jake and I will give you our blessing if that's important to you.

Thank you.

It is.

That is what you asked.

I didn't want to to ask.

I will say that's how this whole thing started.

Yeah, of course.

All right, Cher.

Let me ask if let me ask officially, Scott.

Tony, you're Tony.

No, you're Tony.

This is Jake.

No, I'm talking about Tony.

So Tony.

Hey,

what are you?

What are you talking about?

You guys want some pizzas?

And Jake.

Yes.

It would mean the world to me if you would give me your blessing in asking Cher for her hand in marriage.

Well, let's see.

Should we give him our blessing?

I'll tell you what.

Does this answer your question?

We will.

We will.

Does it?

I've heard all I need.

All right.

Thanks, guys.

All right.

Here I go.

Share, share.

Go shoot my shit.

Baby, I got you.

I got you.

What song is that?

Oh, it's just a little thing I thought of a couple of years ago.

A couple of years ago.

Interesting.

Cher.

This is very sudden, but this is.

What?

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Oh boy, uh-oh.

I want to marry you.

I've had multiple marriages

and orgasms in the last couple minutes there.

I was just orgasming over and over in the corner.

Okay, we need to get clean up in the corner, apparently.

The corner's a mess.

Okay.

Ew.

What about his cars?

His cars?

No, I don't think she was orgasming.

I don't know.

Oh, no, there was the cars a mess.

So it has nothing to do with Tony.

You're just orgasming like crazy.

Hey, what can I say?

I'm an artist, okay?

Cher.

I come and I go.

Yeah.

Okay.

I want to marry you.

Cher.

And then I want to divorce you.

And I want to pay you alimony.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

That's right.

I knew this would happen.

That's exactly what I want.

I knew this would happen.

Cher,

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I...

I cannot accept your offer for my hand in marriage if you're going to pay me alimony.

You're making making a mistake.

What?

Who's making a mistake?

Cheryl.

Tony.

Yeah.

For sure.

You're just saying you're making a mistake and not be specific.

It could have been me.

He's passing on fucking share.

Are you a show?

Share money.

This is share.

She's coming like crazy, you dope.

You say yes to this.

Jake,

I'm coming again.

The corner is a mess.

Jake believed me.

He ran back to the corner and came really quickly and got to the mic.

I understand exactly what I'm doing.

You do?

Yes, I do.

And I could not, I've never felt my heart this heavy.

Cher,

I'm sorry, but I simply, I simply cannot compromise this one aspect of my character.

I cannot accept alimony from anyone.

I am the one who pays alimony.

Wow.

Well, I respect that.

I guess I'll just have to go with plan B then.

What's plan B?

Tony Sony.

Hey!

Oh my god, Tony Sony!

Hey, yeah, you should be my guma, my main guma.

No, I think she wants to marry you, not be a good mom.

Aye, yay, yay, okay.

Mama, me a pizzeria, I'm in.

Okay.

Is that a curse?

You're mentioning a different pizzeria?

It's like taking the Lord's name in vain?

It's one of my expressions.

Mama Mia Pizzeria.

Okay, just not a specific pizzeria.

Sometimes he says, Mama Mia Papapia.

Oh, okay.

Baby go diarrhea, of course.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, that's the last part of that.

Baby go diarrhea?

Yes.

You've never heard that.

I never have.

That's like saying Jingle Bells, Batman Smells, and not hearing Robin lay the egg.

What does that have to do with Christmas?

You're a song parrotist.

This is news to me.

Baby go diarrhea in your pizza pie.

Okay, all right.

Tony, Tony.

Tony Son, New York.

Hey, Cher, are you sure you want to marry Tony Sony?

Oh, I love him.

Oh, he loves me.

Come with me to Jake's car.

Sure,

okay.

Yeah, come with you.

What do you want me to do?

Sounding more like Boran.

Okay.

Let me put my head in your Kyle zone.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Hey, Jake, your car is going to be a mess here.

Hey, it's okay.

I mean, I'm really excited.

Yeah.

This is a good PR for the movie.

I mean, it's great for the trilogy.

Yeah.

But Alimony Tony, I'm.

Oh, there goes Sharon.

There they go.

Tony Sony, never to return.

Wow.

How would you know they're never going to return?

Why would they have any reason to go?

Because that seemed appointed.

But Alimony, Tony, you're still here, and I'm so sorry.

Yeah.

You know what, Scott?

I'm still here.

Yeah.

And that's kind of how it is with love.

You know, you go up, you go down, but eventually you're still here.

What a fuck up.

Yeah.

Oh, that's not.

I honestly, I'm trying to be nice.

I'm doing that.

Not even as a title anymore.

That's not clear.

The real me snuck up.

That is a fuck up, my guy.

That is a big slip up.

Well, I understand why you see it that way.

But I respect it personally because, Tony, Tony, I mean,

you've stayed consistent to who you are.

And that's maybe the most important thing.

You're going to die without share money in your pockets.

But I will die with my mother's money in my pocket.

That's right.

Yeah.

Who are you giving your money?

You've never had children.

Who are you going to give your money to?

Me?

I'm going to give it to Jay Leto.

He hasn't touched that tonight.

He refused to touch it.

You must feel so sorry.

I'm worried for him.

Yeah, I understand.

You just wanted to go in that fun.

Yeah.

You like his portfolio.

Kill growing.

I just,

when I hear him say, he never touches this tonight.

Yeah.

It fills me with anxiety.

With pity?

Yeah.

Yes.

What's he going to do?

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

That's a wild move from Leto.

Well, look, very strange that he does it and then he keeps talking about it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Honestly, I feel he must have dipped in, at least his toe into that.

Probably.

He does so much stand-up, he might not need to be not needed.

Like when the PS5 came out, I bet he dipped it.

Oh, yeah.

Just to try to get one of those, yeah.

On eBay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, look, Tony, we have to take a break.

Can you stick around?

Of course I can.

Okay.

I've cleared the day for you, Scott.

Oh, thank you so much.

You don't need to do that much.

Just maybe another half hour or so.

But we have a writer coming up.

And Jake, you can stick around, of course.

We have a writer coming up.

This is very exciting.

We'll have more alimony, Tony.

We'll have more Jake Johnson.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back.

Jake Johnson, of course, self-reliance on Hulu.

Currently,

all people need to do is, I guess,

I guess the steps would be buy a TV,

find someone to hook it up for you unless you know how to put RCA cables together.

Geek Squad.

Geek Squad.

Geek Squad would be a very important part of this.

Or you can do it on your phone.

You could do it on your phone.

Really?

You'd prefer people watch this on your phone.

Honest to God, I don't care how people watch stuff anymore.

Won't they miss the subtle nuances?

I think everyone will be fine.

We're in a views game here, baby.

Watch it on the phone.

Do you think the geek squad is upset?

that they're called the geek squad.

Can you imagine just getting hired for that gig and being like, hey, we need an expert to help people set up their TVs.

And then suddenly they're like, hey, guess what?

The Geek Squad is here.

The dork patrol is here.

I think they were fine until Apple created Genius Bar.

Right, exactly.

I think

it's we're geeks, but they're geniuses.

Those are fucking geeks too, man.

I don't mind being the geek squad if they're also the geek squad.

But they're the genius bar and we're the geek squad.

I like when you make an appointment at the genius bar and no one knows that you're there and you don't know what's going on.

And people want, they absolutely are not looking at you on purpose.

They are.

I had a genius fix my phone the other day, and there was something going on with the charger, and the genius pulled out.

The jar jar.

The charger, Binks?

What's that?

The charger.

He's a phone not working?

I said, jar char?

You said, something was wrong with the jar jar.

Okay, I got you.

And they pulled out a tool and just took a little bit of dirt out of here.

A little bit of dirt.

And it fixed it.

And I thought, just another genius doing genius moves.

Just genius shit all day.

Well done, my genius.

Cleaning up a little dirt.

Just like a genius would do.

We also have Alamonitonius here.

And

you seem to have bounced back from the share business.

Yeah, you know, life goes on, and there's plenty of fish to see.

Yeah, there is.

I mean,

as far as I know, the world is half women.

Maybe even 51%.

I think it's 51%, yeah.

They're considerably all women.

Isn't that weird?

Yeah, isn't that strange?

They say by 2029.

Just all men will be extinct.

Who says that?

Where do you get those facts?

Where did I hear that?

It's like a Bill Gates thing.

It's interesting.

It's like a Bill Gates thing, yeah.

Yeah.

I think it has something to do with the vaccines.

Oh, I got you.

Guys, die off.

Trying to eliminate all of the 5G.

Interesting.

We have to get to our next guest.

We certainly have to.

This is very exciting.

She's been on the show many times before.

And Jake, I would imagine maybe you're a fan of her work.

But

she is a writer.

She's a world-famous diarist.

Please welcome back to the show, Bridget Jones.

Yes.

It's fucking awesome to be here.

It's Mento.

Bridget, so good

to see you again.

So good to see you.

Looking like a chunky donkey candy bar.

Thank you so much.

I look like a chunky donkey candy bar.

I don't know whether that's a compliment or whether that's a compliment.

It's a compliment.

In England, it is.

Yeah, you make my day better.

It's a happy day.

It's a compliment.

Thank you so much.

Yeah, it's so great to have you here.

Bridget, catch us up

for new listeners.

We first got to know you.

You're, of course, the person that the movie Bridget Jones' Diary and its sequels is based upon.

Yeah, yeah.

So, Bridget Jones's Diary.

We all know it.

We've all seen it.

Renee's Eliger.

She did a really good job now.

So good.

Collins.

She didn't quite nail the accent.

There was never a documentary that kind of blew up with how charming.

I'm waiting.

I'm seeing you waiting.

And America falls in love with this.

Yeah,

nobody's heard a word.

Nobody's contacted me.

But they took your diaries and then they spun it into Hollywood garbage.

They got Hollywood garbage.

They took the real story.

They made absolute shit.

Did you not give approval?

Did they steal it?

Yeah, I gave them a province.

Oh, you don't.

I got Manilow money.

You didn't read the fine print.

You got Manilow money?

Manilow money.

Wow.

I mean, that's a lot.

No.

Not so much as not compared to Diamond and the other guys.

Compared to some Joe off the street, but you talk about the players?

Panel is not making nothing.

Yeah.

But you didn't read the fine print.

You didn't even read the regular size prints.

I didn't read none of the prints.

Find out later, oh, the movie became a big hit.

We said we could lay and call in fart and that freaking oomphaloompha.

That's all.

Anyway,

oh, the hugs.

Yeah, Hug Gronk, whatever his name is.

The world famous lover of blowjobs.

Yeah, he loves blowjobs.

He's on record as really enjoying blowjobs.

Went to jail for it.

He's like,

I don't know what you like.

I love blowjobs so much, I'm going to go to jail for one.

Rave man, but

oh, that's right, because he was on Jay Leno.

What the hell?

What the hell were you thinking?

And everyone laughed and that he was the king of late.

I thought you meant that Jay Leno loves blowjobs.

Oh, I know.

Maybe he does through those denim jeans.

By the way, it's not such a weird thing to say Hugh Grant loves blowjobs.

We all love blowjobs.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

But Jake?

Oh, you're iffy on him.

Yeah.

Really?

I don't like anything touching my genitals.

Okay, anything.

This is a problem with your relationships.

No, I just, I think that's an area that shouldn't be touched.

Yeah, it's not a teacher.

Not even with a bunch of teeth.

What's that?

Not even with a bunch of teeth.

I will say, the fact that it's

a bunch of teeth, you and me are alike.

It seems like too much.

Not even rows and rows of teeth.

I'll tell you what, there are softer areas with no teeth.

Seems difficult to get rid of the teeth.

You You know what I mean?

Yeah, it's like, well, that's why a few grandwares of jail.

He found somebody who could take their teeth.

Yeah, exactly.

That's part of the story that doesn't get brought up, but that person didn't have all the teeth.

Ms.

Divider.

Thank you for saying that.

Yeah, that's the real story.

Like, you should be talking about the real one.

But so, so, we've heard some of the entries into your diaries over the over the years and how vastly different they are than the actual movies that, of course, we're still big fans of the movies, but they take place in some sort of like alternate Bridget Jones version.

Yeah, it's all glossed up.

Yeah.

So fancy.

Exactly.

Like, we're having high tea at the Drake Hotel in Chicago.

Like, what the fuck?

Right.

But

you're a diary?

I think so.

Yeah.

So you've been writing these new diary entries in a bid to get a reboot going.

Well, yeah, like, I'm just sharing me real diary so people know what's up with me, right?

Because, like, I want to share the real Bridget story.

And hopefully, yeah, maybe someone makes a docuser on Hulu.

Cool.

Maybe someone puts some shit together for Netflix.

I don't know.

I mean, Jake's here talking about how he likes to self-fund his projects.

Maybe he will.

I'm excited.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, I got some entries based on the month of January.

Okay, yeah.

We're about halfway through January now.

So you've written some things.

Yeah, I'll just show you some entries from you guys.

I would love to hear some.

Yeah, we always love your entries.

Look at you looking like a hot pocket.

Is that good?

You do look like a hot pocket.

In what respects?

Oh, you're rectangular, you're lumpy.

You look fully stuffed.

Popping hot.

Look, the diet starts after the holidays, okay?

That's right.

Good stuff.

Do you know what I mean?

Like, happy stuffed.

Happy stuffed.

Like a present.

Sure, sure.

We love presenting.

Give her a gift.

What's wrong with looking like a present?

Like a big, fat, lumpy present.

Happy present.

She's like, that old present looking like a snack.

People say, you look like a present.

You look like a gift.

That's nice, yeah.

It is nice.

Well, yeah.

So, anyways, you know, January's a month of New Year's resolutions, changing and all that.

Sure.

So

let me read you some of this, okay?

Are you ready?

I think we've done enough preamble.

I feel like we could launch into this with no further delay.

And

the pacing of this show would be incredible if we were to just suddenly launch into this.

Okay, dear, darling.

So you're going to read from your diary.

And this is different than the movie.

Yes, different than the movie.

Just so I know.

And it could be a docuseries.

On Hulu.

Wait a second.

Here's Cher.

Oh, Cher's back.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

I thought I said never to return.

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

I just had to come.

Yeah, what's up with her?

She's a freaking freak.

Sorry about that, Bridget.

That was awesome.

I'm glad that happened.

Here we go.

Dear Diway,

it's me, Bridget Jones.

This morning was a typical English morning.

Woke up to the sounds of ducks fucking.

Popped to the gym for me New Year's Year's resolution.

Get me bobs and bits proper slamming.

Just like posh spice when she was porting her dad's Rolls-Royce.

When all of a sudden, the gym chap be telling me I need to get out.

Something about me pissing on the elliptical and rubbing it around with a rag.

Then it at me.

Clearly, this man was in love with me and wanted to gump me goopy gherkin.

But then again, who wouldn't love Bridge?

Wow.

What do you think?

You blow the way.

Sounds like you had an eventful beginning of January.

Yeah.

I've been going to the gym getting mad fit.

Yeah, no, you look great.

Thank you.

But I guess I meant the being kicked out for peeing on the elliptical part of it.

I don't think that's ever happened to me.

Pissing on the elliptical.

No, and being kicked out for it.

Both sides of that equation.

Both.

You haven't had both.

You haven't had both at this time.

Well, neither.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's too bad.

I haven't been going to the gym getting mad fit.

Maybe you could hit it up, piss on the door or whatever.

Which gym do you go to?

Do you go to the one by Ed Debevix or

I go to the one by the Edebevix?

I have a friend who works there.

Yeah.

Yeah, I bet she's the one who kicked you out.

She wipes off the machines.

The machines, yeah, she got in my way.

Yeah.

Oh, she got in your way?

Yeah, she was like, get out of here.

You need to leave.

Oh, yeah.

What was her name again?

Her name's Lily Sullivan.

Oh, right, right, right.

Picky from the gym.

Oh, yes, Bicky.

So that's great.

Do you have any more entries?

I do, yeah.

You want to hear more?

I don't hear the round of applause.

I mean, I guess we could apply.

Daredevil, it's me, Bridget Jones.

This morning was a difficult English morning.

Woke up to the sounds of Oliver Twist choking.

Popped to the local pub and ordered myself something healthy because my New Year's resolution is to eat like a dying bird.

Doggy driblets smothered in kooky kunk kunk with a side of soggy snotty sauce.

When all of a sudden, the bar wench be telling me I need to get out.

Something about me pissing on the pool table and rubbing it around with a rag.

Then eh at me.

Clearly, this wench was in love with me and wanted to slug me sloppies.

Well, she Manchesters me football.

But then again, who wouldn't the bench?

Can I ask Bridget?

Do you ever record any dire entries at night?

Yeah.

Sometimes when I'm feeling really spooky, get the crystals out and start writing.

Because it seems like you talk about the beginning of your day.

Yeah.

And then that's it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It seems like morning pages.

Morning pages.

Right.

Yeah.

We've never heard an entry that takes place after lunch.

That can't be.

No.

Although I guess we're at the bar.

You see to order the snooky snuggy sauce on the side?

Well, that's like a luggage.

Snotty soggy sauce.

Snotty, soggy sauce.

That was on the side.

You don't like that on the actual?

Not on top.

No,

I'm not a cowboy.

Okay.

Well,

do you have another?

I mean, so much has been going on in January.

I would assume you have another entry.

Yeah, I have one that takes place in the afternoon.

Wow.

Wow.

Yeah, I know.

Hold on to your hampers.

Hampers.

That's an English expression.

Hold on to your hampers.

Dear Diaria, it's me, Bridgie Jones.

This morning was typical i mean sorry oh i misread that

this afternoon was typical english afternoon

woke up to the sounds of jamie oliver making chicken nuggets got myself a new job you're waking up in the afternoon

i slept in oh okay sure we all do it had a late night yeah oh yeah

why are you right about that

what are you talking about you can infer i had a late night.

That's why I'm waking up mad.

That sounds like that would be an interesting entry.

It sounds intriguing, yeah.

Like, why did you have a late night?

That's not important.

I went out with some friends.

What happened?

I got drunk and I was dancing on tables.

This is exactly the kind of stuff that's in the movies, Bridge Jones' diary.

No, it's not.

Have you seen it?

Sure, it's all about her life and her mistakes she makes in her life.

Embarrassing herself.

I don't embarrass myself.

I'm mad.

Cool.

Everyone's obsessed with me.

Really?

You didn't fall off one of of the tables at the bar?

No, I was fucking on the table, coyote ugly style.

Coyote ugly style.

Dancing in.

Sexy dancing is coyote ugly.

Yeah, exactly.

Have you ever been to a bar?

I mean, maybe not a coyote.

Somebody asks for water, you spray water on their face.

In a cool way.

It's a cool way.

Everyone loves it.

Even the person getting squirted.

They love it.

They love it.

I saw that whole movie

multiple times.

I liked it too.

It was part of a double feature.

I liked it when she wrote the song on the rooftop.

So romantic.

She was closer to the moonlight.

Would you Kevin fight?

Oh, yeah.

What was it?

Could you sing it?

Fight the moonlight.

That's all I remember.

You can't fight it.

Gonna get to it.

Gonna get to it.

Do you want to continue with this?

Yeah, you love it.

Yeah, you love it.

You can't wait to hear more.

Got meself for a new job in an office because of me New Year's resolution to be a boss bitch, just like Margaret Thatcher was before she died for being a snoozy Sally Waggy and a stupid asshole.

When all of a sudden me boss be promoting me,

but

something about me doing an excellent job with the files and the schedule.

So I thanked the chap by making him a coffee and pissing on the computers and rubbing it around with a rag.

Then it hit me.

That doesn't feel like the movie at all.

Yeah.

Clearly, me boss was in love with me and wanted to wiggle me Weasley Twins and groom inside me Paul Hollywood.

Oh, then again, who wouldn't avenge?

I mean, I think that your boss might be in love with you.

The fact that he's allowing you to come to work in the afternoon and then giving you a promotion immediately.

Just woken up.

In the afternoon, go to work.

I wonder what the producer saw in the first round of diaries.

I don't know because

they're so different.

And you got Renee Zellwiger at that era to say yes?

Yeah.

Wow.

That must have been a, I mean, this is some disgusting stuff.

You know, I think it's, I'm a big fan.

I hope so.

Yeah.

Yeah, I love it.

Everybody's obsessed with the business.

Everybody's obsessed with the...

What was the last word, too?

Well, I'll be there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're all obsessed with everything.

But it sounds to me, Jake, like you're not interested in putting up the money for this.

I didn't say that.

I mean, I have to talk to my lawyer.

Really?

Who's your lawyer, by the way?

Is it Johnny Cochran?

Oh, no.

Honestly, Honestly, though, you can't see it.

Not the famous one.

Hello, Jake.

Good to see you.

Oh, Johnny.

So, Johnny.

Yeah, be Johnny Cochrane.

Hey, Johnny.

It is a different one.

That's why I felt embarrassed by saying yes.

No eight should mind.

J-O-N-N-Y.

Yeah.

So, Johnny, there's an idea for a project that I am excited about.

Oh, great.

You know business better than me.

I do.

That's my job.

Entertainment lawyer to the stars.

Yes.

This is Bridget Jones from Bridget Jones's Diary.

Chummed.

So you're real.

I am, babe.

This is exciting.

It's like meeting Peter Pan or something.

Yeah, I'm forever young.

I don't mean in terms of your age.

I mean

the fact that you're a fictional character.

Because you're definitely aged.

Yeah.

Yeah, I hang out with little kids.

I'm in the bed.

No.

Johnny, where are we at here, babe?

Get me out of this one.

I'm in a danger zone because I pre-committed.

I pre-committed.

Obviously, it's up to you.

Right.

But if I were you,

I wouldn't do it.

All right.

Unfortunately, I love the idea.

Yes, but my lawyer is saying it's just a bad time for you.

But that is so sad.

But I love it.

I think it's great.

Yeah, no, it's great.

I mean,

if I had any criticism, it's that every single time you come on the show, every single one of your entries is exactly the same with just a few slight word modifications.

It is not true at all.

It's really a lot of variety.

Really?

Yeah, if you'd listen.

I have been listening.

Have you been listening?

You've been on the show, I think, at this point, 10 times or something like that.

It was in Like three times.

Including you came out to our tour stop out there.

That's when you met me and you were obsessed.

Johnny, what do you say?

She's selling it.

Imagine her on Leno's couch right now.

Yeah, Leno.

He's not coming.

She's his regular couch.

He doesn't have a show anymore.

He bought a couch.

He's giving you his money.

Get in to hear this from me.

Yeah.

Leno's going to steal back the tonight show again.

Wow.

Really?

Who's got it now?

Jimmy Fowler.

Yeah, it's ripe for the taking right now.

Also, you know, I'd be happy doing Last Man Standing, taking it over with Jay.

Because you know, he does the parts on Last Man Standing.

Do you mean the Tim Allen show?

Last Man Standing?

Have you not heard this?

No, what?

He doesn't get paid.

He goes on.

He loves it.

Who does what?

Jay Leno.

Leno does Tim Allen's show and for some reason doesn't get paid.

Doesn't want to get paid.

Just does guest spots.

Loves being on it.

He's so weird with money.

Yeah, isn't he?

Yeah.

So I think it's just me and him.

It's Last Man Standing.

No Tim Allen anymore, obviously.

Okay, but you splitting Tim Allen's part?

Oh, wait, you're going to hold up.

So how's it working?

So you're going to be replacing Tim Allen.

Yeah, both of us.

You and who?

Me and Jay Levy.

You and Jay Levin.

But Jay doesn't get paid.

But then Jay Lawson.

Jada doesn't get paid?

The Jaguars.

We haven't talked about the Slack.

All that stuff she does is for free.

The book tour, right?

Book tour.

Talking about her marriage.

Yes.

She would pay to do all that.

She would do that.

That's part of her king.

Exactly.

She is paying to do it.

Yeah.

Horny.

Horny.

Well, look, I, Bridget, I'm sorry we couldn't make a deal here.

Yeah, it's really unfortunate and all that, but

I'd love to keep in contact, keep emailing you.

Sure, yeah.

You can contact Jake.

What was your email?

I'll go through you.

Oh,

do you got the go-between?

Or Johnny?

Yeah, Johnny Cochrane.

Yeah, go to it's www.

I don't know.

I know all that part.

Cochrane parentheses, not that one, end parentheses dot com slash

you got Johnny,

parentheses, no H and parentheses.

I'm on it right now.

There's also a slash,

if the glove don't fit, you must acquit as well.

Why is it put that in there?

That's not supposed to show up,

but yes, it's done that way.

What does that have to do with your business?

It doesn't have to.

I don't know.

By the way, it was a cheaper domain that

really so if the glove don't fit you must acquit.coms are cheaper right now that's it was just the one the guy that did my

the guy that did my website is an asshole and he thought he was being funny and but he gave me a great deal okay

and then i found out about squarespace

well this episode brought to you by of course it is

sorry bridge but uh come back on the show again and you can try again and yeah you can listen to more entries you're obsessed

I don't know that I'm obsessed, but uh, I mean, you do keep

it up.

I knew it, I knew it.

I, and everybody else, besides maybe Scott, I know Johnny is.

I'm obsessed.

I'm a little obsessed.

I'm a little obsessed.

Hey,

Tony, Sony's back.

I just want to say, I'm obsessed too.

My freaking watch.

Wow.

Tony,

great to hear from you again.

I'm so sorry to have to leave immediately.

I'm upset.

Mirabel,

you're finally talking.

She's obsessed too.

Tony, why don't you get one job on Mirabelle?

She's the same.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

I mean, metaphor.

Let's be gentle today.

Yeah, stinky is stinky snappies.

Wait a second.

Hey, Scott, can I talk to just you?

Oh, sure.

Okay.

Yeah, Jake.

I mean, what about Tony and Bridget?

Oh, that's right.

That's a combination we have.

We went to the PR link.

I guess I just wanted to hear Tony talk to Mirabel for a long stretch.

I'm not good enough for Tony.

I can't blame him for being insulted.

But Bridget, you're single, obviously.

Obviously, yeah.

For sure.

I'm guaranteed.

Have you ever thought about dating an older gentleman?

I mean, not much older because you are.

I'm 55.

Yeah.

Yeah, I could be interested.

What do you like?

What are you into?

Well,

I like to do song parodies.

I'm not very good at it.

I like to wear tennis clothing, but I don't play tennis.

I do

love to love.

Do you wear the tennis clothing because it's just the breeze?

Yeah, just like the look.

Yeah, the look.

It's a classic look.

Yeah, it truly.

It makes you seem classy in a way.

Thank you very much.

Fucking the headband.

Bro, I'm not in.

I don't like classy.

Yeah.

I'm not into it.

I'm too classy.

He's too classy for me.

I know.

And for this reason, you're out?

I'm freaking out.

I'm pulling the plug.

Read a diary entry, honey.

Dear Lyra.

Got us back.

Jesse, it's me, Bridget Jones.

I'm at.

It was a typical Hollywood evening.

Johnny, let's fire, Johnny.

This is huge.

Finally, we're at the evening.

You really want?

This is what you want?

Yeah, okay.

Woke up to the sounds of people getting

a zompic shot in their assholes.

I said you signed.

Docu signed.

Check your e-bang.

Went to record an episode of comedy Gang Bang.

Close.

With Sauce Hutterman.

Okay, thank you.

Well, thank you.

Thank you.

Finally, a compliment.

Sauce Hutterman.

Because my New Year's resolution is to donate to hags who are sad.

Okay, donate to hags who are sad.

I think she means her time being on this show, and I'm the hag who's sad.

Oh, anyway.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you nailed it.

Oh, you nailed it.

How did you nail that?

I don't think that was complicated.

I know Cockney slang.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Clearly, he was in love with me.

Okay, yeah.

Skipping to the end.

I appreciate that.

Look, Bridge, always a pleasure to have you, but we are running out of time.

Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

Does that surprise you at all?

No.

No.

Yeah.

I didn't think so.

No, I think Alamonitoni needs to give it a Maribel.

You think so?

Yeah.

Oh,

Lovey Asker.

Maribel, are you single?

Well, as a matter of fact, I am recently single.

So am I.

It ended very badly, but for good reasons.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Can I interject?

What good reasons are there to end something badly?

Well, sometimes it's so bad that when it ends, it's actually a good thing.

I see.

Can you wrap your mind around that?

My poor little brain, yeah.

So Maribel.

Do you think you can figure that out?

Can I talk to you for for a second yeah i'm sorry she's not a fine she's not a fine i know i don't know what she is such a piss she's my mother she's your mother i'm so sorry i didn't mean to say that about your mother you're not wrong i don't know what to do she's killing my career we're talking about spider-man it came up six months ago i don't know what to do

so what do i do here she's my mom she's living with me right now i want to take you on as a client really yes

so i want to expand my business here comedy banking doesn't need to just be a podcast or a tv

it's a pr firm now so i'm not against it scott but you would have to fire my mom because I don't have the guts.

I don't have it.

She's my mom.

I adore the woman.

She's tough as nails.

All right.

I can do it.

Okay.

Whoever wins, I'm their client.

Okay.

I do have one.

Shut up.

Mirabella.

Shut the fuck up.

I beg your pardon.

Come here.

Cool.

Scott.

That was very rude to talk to you.

I think about you.

Take my hand.

What?

What?

Okay.

Now what?

You're fucking fired.

You fucking kidding.

You're fucking fired.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You are not working for my client, Jake, any longer.

Your client.

That's right.

He's my client.

You're out of here, baby.

Hit the fucking bricks.

And by the way, he doesn't want to see you this year for Thanksgiving.

He doesn't want to see you for Christmas.

He wants you out of his life.

Not accurate.

I just don't want her to represent me.

I'm sorry, Jake, but if you're my client,

there's no way you're spending any time with her anymore.

Jake and Bake, is this true?

Well,

no, I...

Thanks.

I want.

Jakey baby.

Yeah.

You're my star client.

I know, and I want to be the star client.

Yeah,

I'm going to devote 100% of my resources.

And you are torn with Cindy and Brad.

You gave a lot of time to Brad, and we both know it, mom.

Brad was having a moment, and I decided to capitalize on it.

And by the way, I would do the same for you if you ever had a moment.

By the way, Maribel, I'm also stealing Kevin Spacey.

It's just you and Kevin.

Let's go!

Fuck you, bro.

I can't believe that worked.

Maribel, you'll make me the happiest man in the world.

You need money, Maribel.

I'd suggest getting in on this.

If you would agree to be my wife.

Tony, of course I'll marry you.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Starting the new year off right with a new marriage.

Jake, you have a new father?

Stepfather.

Stepfather.

I'll call him dad.

I'll also be your father-in-law if you like.

Wow.

Well,

this is a great, happy ending to start the year off.

This is impossible.

Wow.

Hey, this makes me so happy.

Please, you have to leave.

You have to go.

Scott says, don't come here.

You have to go.

I would rather spend time with Kevin Spacey.

You have to go.

Wait, Cher, would you sing at our wedding?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Can we pick the song?

Absolutely.

What's it going to be?

I've always wanted to hear you sing

Walking in Memphis.

Live.

Live?

Live.

Why not a recorded version?

Well, I know that's out there.

I don't want to hear it.

I want to hear it live.

Oh, I see she does it for the wedding.

Walking in Memphis.

Oh, my God.

What a dream come true.

This isn't the wedding we should specify.

This is just.

No, it's not.

You know what?

There's not going to be a wedding now.

What?

Yeah.

Mom.

That sucked.

Just because Share comes.

Oh, my God.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

This is your kink, Share?

Hey, who's weak about this?

Okay, all right.

No.

If Tony Sony

comes, I do have to wrap it up.

By the way, I keep saying all right,

you'll know that I'm trying to get to our last final feature on the show.

That is, of course, how long has it been?

How long have we been on here?

Tony, shut up.

That is, of course, a little something called plugs.

All right, thank you so much.

That was a plugs odyssey by Afroduck Sounds.

Afro Duck Sounds.

Thank you so much to Afro Duck Sounds.

If you have a plugs theme, head over to comedybangbangworld.com/slash plugs and submit it.

And you can also get in on these remixes for the closing of the gotta get on the remix.

Got to get in on that.

Got to get onto that.

Guys, what do we plug in?

Jake, obviously, you have three projects going on, two of which are active.

Yep.

Self-deliance coming off now.

This is in January.

We're here to help, where you hear podcasts.

The new girl on Hulu.

Stumptone, which was on ABC, got canceled.

Let's be cops, Jurassic World,

Spider-Verse, and some other ones.

Yeah.

Your full body of work.

And whatever.

Somewhere streaming.

Whatever theater you did

beforehand in order to get you interested in acting, probably.

Yeah, yeah.

A lot of theater?

Why not?

Yeah, yeah.

And on my computer, a whole folder called Jake's Writing.

So check it out.

If you can get a hold of this computer, a lot of scripts.

A lot of pilots.

He's not 70s show spec on there.

Yeah.

We got a hold of Hunter Biden's computer.

Why not yours?

Get mine.

Yeah.

Alimony Tony, what do you want to plug?

Well, listen, I want to plug on behalf of somebody named Paul F.

Topkins.

He's doing a bunch of shows.

He's doing a bunch of shows?

He's doing a bunch of shows at the Sketch Fest, San Francisco Sketch Fest.

Oh, wonderful festival.

That's That's coming up at the end of the month.

Wonderful festival.

Go to PaulFTopkins.com slash live for ticket information.

He's going to be doing Variatopia.

He's going to be doing Comedian Feud.

He's going to be doing Spontorco.

He's going to be doing the Neighborhood Listen Live.

This is going to be a fun, fun time.

You've got to check it out.

Got to check it out.

Where can people get information about that?

Sketchfest.com.

Paul F.

Topkins.com slash live, like I said.

Oh, okay.

I don't listen to beginnings of sentences.

Really?

Yeah.

The end is where all the meat is.

I know, but the beginning of a sentence is like a fun setup.

I know, but it's like, you know, all the important stuff is always at the end.

But sometimes you might not understand things if you don't hear the beginning.

Don't care.

All right.

Twitch the road.

Bridge.

What do you?

That's why you don't get my freaking entries.

Don't listen to half of the shit.

Don't listen to the first half of the sentence.

You're all the same.

Uh, fucking dick.

Looking like a piece of shit.

Looking like a distance.

Oh, you're downgraded.

I think that's a compliment, Ninga, actually.

What do you want to plug here?

Well, actually, I'm going to have me buddy, Tony Sony, plug it instead.

Oh, great.

Tony Sony's back.

I want to plug for my guma.

I want to plug Lily Sullivan.

Wait, Lily Sullivan is your gumma?

She's my guma.

She's got a couple podcasts on CBB World.

This book changed my life.

She's on Hey Randy.

And she has a solo show at the Elysian Theater on February 7th.

Okay, one full calendar week before Valentine's Day.

Yeah, keeping it romantic.

Like me in my Goomba.

Okay.

Isn't it a full regular week as well?

Yeah, I think it is.

Yeah, I believe so.

It's not a Baker's week.

Eight days.

I want to plug.

Look,

this is good advice.

Go over to CBB World and check out those shows.

We also have the Neighborhood Listen is currently on CBB World, and we have Scott Hasn't Seen where we watch movies.

I believe Jack Quaid was just on last week.

We watched Godzilla.

And

also,

you know, we're doing a live show.

I'm not sure if tickets are sold out yet, but Comedy Bang Bang Live is

part of the Netflix as a Joke Fest.

That is May 8th at the Belasco here in Los Angeles.

And because it's an LA show, we'll have plenty of great guest stars.

So if there are still tickets available, then come see that show.

And it will be, you know, hopefully we'll have something else to uh plug regarding live shows pretty soon.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Open up the plug bag, you're gonna join me

open up the plug bag, everybody joining it.

And all with the line is up.

How did you close the flag?

Cause it's time for me.

Open it up like a diamond bag.

A little baby opens up the pit.

And now here we are with the bloods.

I wanna hear all your bloods.

Now's the time to tell me your bloods.

Ooh, very nice.

That was Closing the Plug Bag Spillover by Jacob Crosby, the first of our remixes.

All right, guys, I want to thank you so much, Jake.

It's so great to have you on the show finally, joining the exclusive One Timers Club, along with Gary Goleman and Donald Glover, who only did the show once way back in the first year and never returned.

Ben Stiller.

This is an exclusive club.

We've decided that the more successful you are,

you've only done it the fewest amount of times.

So, if you're ever back, you can tell your career's sitting in a downturn.

Thank you so much.

Look forward to seeing the second part of that exciting Spider-Man movie

out this year, possibly.

And Al Moni Tony, great to have you on the show.

Great to see you.

Sorry, we couldn't hook up any kind of a love connection.

Hey, that's okay.

It'll all bounce back.

You will.

I truly believe the next time I see you, you'll have been married and divorced maybe eight more times.

God willing.

Yeah.

And

hey, Bridge, what can I say?

What can I say?

It's been a day.

And also.

It truly is.

But I don't want to talk to you.

I really want to talk to my good friend Tony Sony.

Hey, we have a good time.

Tony, I've been razzing you a bit, but you know I love you.

Do you?

You want to have me back?

Of course I want to have me back.

You love me.

Eat the pizza pie on the bucket.

We barely scratch the surface of what you're all about.

I got so much to offer.

You do, Michael Ma.

Sure.

And And that's about it.

It seems like about it.

But I would love to have you back.

Please come back next week.

Promise me that.

Next week.

Yeah, I can't wait to be out again.

Yeah.

Every week thereafter.

No.

Deal.

All right.

We'll see you next time.

Thanks.

Bye.

I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I love Geico's fast and friendly claim service.

Well, that's how Geico gets 97% customer satisfaction.

Yeah, I'll let you get back to your food.

Uh, so are you just gonna watch me eat?

Get more than just savings, get more with Geico.

Hey, everybody, it's Paul Scheer, host of How Did This Get Made, a podcast that covers the best, worst movies.

This week, we're diving into the brand new War of the Worlds reboot starring Ice Cube.

Yes, the movie that got 2% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Ice Cube is saving the world from aliens via his computer.

It's so convoluted, this plot, but basically, if you have an Amazon account, you can save the day just like Ice Cube.

There is so much going on in this movie.

So join me, June, Diane, Rayfill, and Jason Manzukis, as we break down every bizarre choice and every Ice Cube one-liner on this week's episode of How Did This Get Made, the podcast that makes sense of movies that don't.