2 Rat 2 Touille (Patton Oswalt, Eddie Pepitone, Carl Tart, Rekha Shankar)

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So, um, I was just parking my car, and then I saw you, a Gecko, huge fan.

I'm always honored to meet fans out in the wild.

The honor's mine.

I just love being able to file a claim in under two minutes with the Geico app.

Well, the Geico app is top-notch.

I know you get asked this all the time, but could you sign it?

Sign what?

The app?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, that means so much.

Oh, it rubbed off the screen when I touched it.

Could you sign it again?

Anything to help, I suppose.

You're the best.

Get more than just savings, get more with Geico.

Never tell me the odds, only the evens, even if that even is Steven.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Maddie Walks for that catchphrase submission.

Submitted on 7-21-2025.

Unfortunately, Maddie, that one stinks and is not going to become the permanent catchphrase.

But hey, congratulations to you, Maddie Walks, and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

We have an exceptional show.

Let me tell you who's coming up a little later.

A little later, we have someone named Mumps.

Huh.

And that's it.

All right.

Well, did I say it was an exceptional show?

Look, it came out.

You got to give it that.

But let's get to our guest of honor here right off the top.

First off, I'm going to introduce you individually, if that's all right with you.

First off, he is an American stand-up comedian.

He's saluting right now.

The flag that's right outside the window.

An American stand-up comedian.

You know him from such wonderful

movies and television shows like Old School and

Children's Hospital, the Comedy Bang Bang television show.

But most notably,

he was on season 14, episode 2 of ER,

where he played dying patient.

I just saw him the other day when I completed my ER rewatch.

You did.

Please welcome back to the show Eddie Pepito.

Thank you, everybody.

It's so good to be back on Comedy Bang Bang.

Last time I was here, I remember being the Diner Marshal.

I don't know.

Oh, wait, that was,

I thought that was a real Diner Marshal.

That was you?

Oh, I thought you...

Has this whole show been a long time?

Oh, my God.

I didn't know this was a Santa Claus thing, but.

What if the Diner Marshal were now, he just took the place of Santa Claus during Christmas.

It was the diner marshal coming around to your house, coming down the chimney.

Yes.

And the

marshal was because we had just started, we just started putting marshals on planes, if you remember that.

Oh, that's been long ago.

Was that near 2001?

We started the show in 2009.

So

not too close.

It wasn't too soon.

You have to give it that.

Jesus, Jesus.

So anyway, it's good to be back.

And let me tell you about that er episode my biggest thrill on that was i got this is like i've ordered a cameo from you this is thrilling

please continue i i got to work with stanley tucci who the touch yeah he was on in season 14.

was he yeah oh on you recording

what i thought he was on what you were talking about oh okay got it um so anyway uh tucci

I did this character who was dying patient.

Dying patient, never dying.

I was a guy who was brought in all the time because I would actually be having a hangover.

And I wasn't actually dying.

That was the bit.

And Tucci just came over to me and he goes, it's so

funny.

And

I said, why don't you host a food show where you trapes around Italy?

And he took my advice.

And he took the traipsing part, literally, because I watched the show.

I go, this guy's traipsing the entire time.

Yeah.

Well, what a story.

That's incredible.

And of course, Eddie has a new stand-up comedy program that is out on the

whatever this Veeps thing is.

Yeah, Veeps.com.

Veeps.com.

Yes, slash Eddie Peppertone.

If you want to see my specials, a lot of comedians, a lot of bands

put their stuff on this website.

The great Bart Coleman

is running it.

Yes.

And apparently he makes a comfortable enough living that he can go see fish approximately 364 days out of the year.

Wow.

Yeah.

I don't know about that.

What is it called?

The biosphere in Vegas?

I don't think it's a biosphere.

Oh, no, that's on Mars.

Yes.

The sphere?

The sphere, yes.

Yeah.

I think you have too much time on your hands if you're seeing fish.

Yes.

In this sphere.

Even once.

Maybe.

The program is called, and

it is a special.

I don't know why I'm not calling it a special.

It's very special.

You don't do these all the time, but it's called The Collapse.

It's out on Veeps.

But let's turn to our other guest and introduce him because he is the producer of said special, perhaps even executive producer.

Who knows?

That's right.

He is the old XCP on the Collapse.

He is a stand-up comedy.

Oh, he's an American stand-up comedian.

And he's saluting as well.

You would know him from such things as the

voice of Remy and Ratatouille.

And he was in the movies, Big Fan.

And the young adult.

Please welcome back to the show, Pat Noswalt.

Oh, thank you so much, the Comedy Bank Bang community, for re-embracing me.

The CBBC.

I'm glad all the bad blood is behind us.

We can start fresh on this one.

That's right.

You were canceled in between your last appearance.

And then you got uncanceled.

How does someone uncancel themselves?

That's amazing.

Apparently, you just wait long enough, and people

all of our attention spans are apparently been fried.

We all have gnat brains now.

It doesn't really matter what you do.

Fnat geo.

Literally from second to second.

I don't think it matters anymore.

Well, welcome back.

I didn't mean to talk over your nat.

Oh, no.

I should be apologizing to you for talking over you.

By the way,

no guest has ever apologized to me before for me being annoying.

I remember the episode of The Diner Marshall with Eddie Pepitone, and a visual that I took from that is at one point he described being so depressed that he was using his gun to eat mashed potatoes.

So the idea, the visual of a guy with like a, like a, like a, like a snub nose, just digging into a pile of mashed and then eating it off the barrel, and then no one in the diner even looking at him twice.

Okay, yeah, fine.

A classic episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

Go head over to cbbworld.com where you can hear all of the previous episodes ad-free.

And I love

at Bang Bang Fest every year seeing all of the cosplay of the pistols with mashed potatoes on them.

It's an enduring

image.

Exactly.

Do you like the word cosplay?

Because it's too close to cosby.

It is a little when cosplay, they've clearly put

your dress up like the green lantern, but you don't have the power to fly.

The flash should be wearing a sweater.

Is cosplay a portmanteau?

Did they combine cosmetic?

Costume play.

Oh, my God.

Although they didn't really shorten play.

Yes, Eddie.

You were going to say portmanteau.

Isn't that a wine?

portmanteau.

It sounds like it should be, like a portmanteau of two different wines.

From Portugal.

With portmanteau.

Ports would be the wine.

Yeah, that was wrong.

Yeah, sorry.

Guys, welcome back to the show.

It's so wonderful to have you.

We're here in a,

it's the, the, I believe it's

July.

We're in the dregs of July right now.

We're the dreads of July and we're on the cusp of the dog days.

That's right.

And you still made time to come back here to Comedy Bang Bang.

I appreciate that.

Tell me about this special.

What is going on with it?

The collapse.

Now, is this about your prolapsed anus that I've heard so much about or exactly what?

First of all, who told you about my prolapsed anus?

I want names.

He prefers the term pink sock.

Please.

No, it's about my personal collapse, which is ongoing.

It's an ongoing project.

It really is.

It's just ongoing.

And America is collapsing.

And I am am an American.

As a matter of fact, at one point in the special, I go up to the audience, I go, I am America.

I am angry.

I am anxious.

Things like that.

So that's kind of the...

So your life essentially mirrors the decline of Western civilization.

Is that what you're trying to say?

Yes, I don't want to be that pretentious, but

don't oversell the special.

I don't want to crash the site.

I don't want to crash Veeams.com.

Oh, no Veeves at Commonwealth.

Someone called Barty C.

We need more servers.

Yeah, well, you got to wait for this riff to finish.

That's going to be another 17 hours at the fish concert.

I don't want to speak for Eddie, but

I love Eddie.

Peppeton is one of my favorite comedians and getting to exec produces because, and this is maybe this is a little sadistic.

I just am so curious to see what would happen if Eddie really did like blow up to a list level where massive broadcast corporation studios wanted to work with him and to see what that meltdown would look like.

Meltdown on which end, his or the corporation?

No, no, the corporation, like it would be amazing to just see them building a media empire around him, but they're building an empire around a guy who's going, this is all an illusion.

They are using this to control you.

Like, there's something ultimately so black mirror about that.

If you watch the special.

And I pray that you do.

I demand that you do.

I don't pray.

No, I'm demanding they do.

It is really when that, when you go into that riff about I am America, he truly is America on every physical, psychological, and emotional level you can be on right now.

It is our country in this moment.

I was ahead of the curve because I've been having a nervous breakdown in slow motion.

Meanwhile, America's is in fast motion right now.

Well, yes, and so is mine.

Because I am.

Accelerated.

Yeah.

Well, the second Trump term, all the fashion, you know, everybody is in.

The fashion, you were going to say?

Fascism.

Oh, okay.

That's really different.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But everybody is, I think, having a nervous breakdown unless they're dead inside.

And if you're dead inside, you're one of those people who are like, oh, everything's okay.

The people that are actually visibly functioning at a high level right now, those are the ones that scare me.

Those are the ones that, to me, those are the ones that are actually, the people that are like Eddie and people that you see on TikTok and Instagram that are just screaming and yelling, those are the sane people at this point.

I feel like I'm doing great.

I'm not relating to this chunk necessarily, but

I love to hear you talk.

It's the cadence.

Oh, yeah.

It's fun.

Yeah.

And Eddie, how long have you been working on the special?

Is this,

do you put out a special a year?

No, I like it.

Like no patent?

No, I don't.

Are you putting out a special a year?

Well, you did for a while, didn't you?

For a while, yeah.

I just did a thing where I taped, I filmed my latest special a few months ago.

We're editing it together.

And then I...

Audible wanted me.

Oh, Eddie's going to love to hear this.

I did a thing with Audible with Amazon.

Oh, he's going to be so happy.

day.

He had a great wedding if you saw it.

It was fun.

It was fun.

But they want to do

just albums, like just the audio.

So I recorded a thing at the Monetta Lane Theater, and I got to tell you, man.

Doing a special, but it's just the audio.

What about it?

It's so great.

You're so like, oh my God, I'm not worried about what cameras are catching this.

Yeah.

How much sweat is pouring off my body?

Literally, like what I got to wear.

It doesn't matter.

That's how the specials used to be.

What I like about it.

So that I feel like, although I, again,

when you see Eddie's special, you do need to see the visual of this guy having a nervous breakdown.

It's happening right in front of me right now.

It is horrifying.

I don't stop.

It's 24-7.

It is like if Samuel Beckett did a play about Rodney Dangerfield, that should be.

Oh, God.

Now I want to see that.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, you can.

It's great.

It really is, though.

It is.

It's that your next special, you should film it on a stage, but make it like the stage for Waiting for Godot.

Yes.

It would be so perfect.

Wow.

Yeah.

I do it that way.

I like that action.

I would love to see Ronnie Dangerfield and Waiting for Godot.

You know how Bill and Ted are doing it on Broadway coming up?

Yes, they are.

Yeah.

Who's doing it?

Bill and Ted.

Keanu Reeves.

Ted Sarandos

and Bill Cosby.

The best of friends.

Awesome.

No, Bill.

Oh, the guys who did Bill and Ted?

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

I'm

forgetting their names.

Alex Winter.

Okay.

Who's the other guy, though?

I can't do it.

Alex Ginter.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That one.

That guy.

Yeah, they're doing it.

And then, you know, Steve Martin and Robin Williams did it on Broadway.

It would be so fun to see Rodney Dangerfield and someone else do it.

I guess Eddie.

Rodney and Eddie.

Hey, oh, where's this good old guy?

But waiting.

We need to get Todd Glass in here.

Hey, look look at that.

Yeah.

But Beckett, I read this biography of him, and he said he wrote it as a comedy.

And the best versions of that play have been with comedians.

The one with Bert Law, the one with Zero Mostel that you can see on Canopy.

The cadences are supposed to be like comedy cadences.

Yeah.

Love it.

It's basically, it's Laurel and Hardy in the post-apocalypse.

That's basically what it is.

Yeah.

If you think about it that way.

You sound smart.

You had me a, I read a biography.

I read a biography.

Uh, la.

You know, my favorite.

Okay.

Here's my favorite thing about Samuel Beckett's life.

When he was living in the Paris countryside, there was a kid down the street who was like, had some kind of growth problem.

He was like in kindergarten or first grade too much.

Like he was already like six something in the first grade and he couldn't get on the school bus.

So

Samuel Beckett was.

The driver couldn't even get on with

him.

This kid could not get on.

It was like a little bus for kids or something.

Can I say I didn't think this kind of thing happened in the French countryside?

Yeah.

They romanticize so much.

But Samuel Beckett would take his truck around and give this kid a ride to school every day.

And that kid was Andre the Giant.

Whoa.

Samuel Beckett took Andre the Giant.

Thank you, Sam.

They're waiting for God.

He's supposed to be coming here.

I don't know why he's not here.

I'm going to give Pat in the edge on the impression.

Yours was

passable at best.

But I threw it out there.

Yeah, you got the ball rolling, Daddy.

He walked so that I could.

He walked so that I could run.

That's a great story.

I never do something like it.

It's so interesting to hear stuff like that.

Like, oh, Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were roommates in college.

Is that true, too?

Oh, yeah.

There's a lot of twists to life.

And then I was recently reading Peter Wolf from J.

Giles Band biography, and he was David Lynch's roommate in college.

What?

And he wrote to congratulate him on the success of Blue Velvet, and David wrote back a very nice letter that said, You still owe me $3.36.

Holy shit.

And Peter Wolfe's blood ran cold.

Yeah, that's a great biography.

You should read his biography.

You should.

Wow.

Yeah.

He's he like hung out with Dylan.

It's a really fascinating biography.

He had a life.

He really did.

And speaking of a life, Eddie Pepetone, the collapse, is out on something called Veeps right now.

And if you're a good way to fire up excitement, don't oversell it.

I haven't seen it personally.

I'm just trusting it's out there.

I don't know.

Look, the internet is crazy.

Who knows what's out there?

But the collapse is out right now.

And approximately, how long is this special?

Around 60 minutes or so?

Yes.

That's a good target.

55 minutes.

Specials could be shorter, though, now, because they're they're on the internet, right?

So, who needs them to be 60 minutes?

If you're getting 10k steps a day, you'll get half your steps

listening to and watching the collapse.

And that's part of the promo, by the way.

Guaranteed half your 10k steps every day.

But why specials could come out?

They could be like 46 minutes or something.

You know what I mean?

I'm guessing they're too long now.

I guess you think it's too long.

I'm already saying your special's too long.

No notes.

What did Christopher Nolan direct this thing?

Come on.

Back it in.

Close the show, champ.

What number of specials is this for you, Adam?

This is the third one I've had film.

So three on film, one on an album.

One on the album, I'm very proud of, mostly improvised, which is what I would like to do on my next special.

Do an improvised special.

I don't know that I've ever seen it kind of.

Scoville, yeah, yeah.

But I'm thinking of having the guy who films me, Steve Feinarts, who's now.

Yeah, great.

He did the documentary on you.

Yes, and Marin recently.

He's a terrific filmmaker.

He is.

And we've been talking about him just following me, like just renting out some place for like a month and him filming for, because I love riffing.

And whenever I have to do a special,

I feel so tied to these bits.

And

I don't know about you, Patton, but I'm one of these comedians who, after I do a bit for more than a year, I'm like, Jesus.

Well, you're also at that point, you're in acting territory.

Okay, I've got to generate the excitement.

At this point in the joke, I act surprised as if I just thought about this.

Yeah.

Like I broke, like a lot of comedians do this.

I broke up with my girlfriend a few years ago, but no, I just broke up with my girlfriend, they say, a few years ago, beat a few years ago.

I would like a comedian, though, to be more transparent about it.

Like, I broke up with my girlfriend a few years ago.

I've plowed through 10 women since.

But that one made me think of this joke.

But this, yeah, the one that I broke up with a few years ago has this joke tied to her, so we're doing that.

Yes.

Well, there's nothing more frustrating, and this just happened to me when you record a special, and then a week later, you're on the road, you're doing a show, and you think of a better way to do a bit that has just

committed.

That happens the minute we stop this program every week.

I'm like, oh, why do I say this?

You know, it'd be fun to do a special where you're talking about jokes based on people, actual people, like I broke up with my girlfriend, and then to get a rebuttal or rebuttals from them where they give the other side of the story, and then you edit those in.

I don't know if that would,

you know, that wouldn't focus as much on me.

Oh, interesting.

Okay.

Rebuttals take up a long time.

I hadn't thought about that.

That's interesting.

Maybe just bonus materials if you want to see the rebuttals.

Just Eddie's exes complaining about him.

Oh, he said, What about me?

Oh, okay, let me tell you something.

It'd be really funny, though, if one of the exes was so zen about it, going, First off, no, that's not how it happened.

I see why he changed, though, it is a better bit.

Like, I respect the craftsmanship of it.

Listen, if it, if it made you happy listening to it, fine, I threw an ashtray at his head.

I don't really throw stuff, but fine, I see what he's going for.

And then I would have final say going, something like, Your life is fodder for my specials

well the collapse is out right now on veeps we have uh if you're one of those credit heads uh stick around till the end because you'll see patton's name on this

what else did you do uh as executive producer did you uh uh watch the special first and give any notes to is this a purely ceremonial credit what

well i mean i helped

to uh definitely help with the promotion and the getting the word out.

I mean, I watched some of the people.

You came on this show.

Does that get you a credit?

I'm hosting the show.

I want a credit.

I've done other things besides this.

I did other.

It wasn't just this.

Listen, if I do one comedy bang bang, you give me that exact production credit.

All right.

What's not going to do that?

Shady backroom deals are going on in the booking process of this show.

I have 35 EPs on this.

Just my last 35 guests?

Yeah.

Anyone who hung up a flyer gives me an EP.

No, I mean, mean, I watched it.

And you're a huge fan of Eddie.

You've been one of his biggest supporters over the years.

So it's almost like you've been an executive producer of his life and career.

I've been, you know what?

I've been an executive producer of a stage of his life.

You come on, you work with different entities.

Early on, you know, he was working with different alcohol and drug companies.

Then

he moved on.

You developed Ozempic, didn't you?

You figured out the formula for that, I think.

Yeah.

I stumbled upon it.

Right.

It was sort of like a Marie Curie kind of situation.

He fell stomach first on a needle, weirdly enough.

I said, hey, what if I put something in this needle?

I started losing weight.

What?

Just the needle punctured you, and you were losing blood.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Slimming down.

Interesting.

Look out summer.

Well, the collapse is out now on this little website called Feats.com.

Anytime you watch a special, you imagine Bart Coleman's eyes lighting lighting up with a big dollar sign.

Oh, I can buy another fish ticket.

Um, it's out right now.

The collapse is uh, I can't wait to see it, Eddie.

You're you're one of my favorites.

And uh, can you guys stick around?

Because we have to take a break here, but uh, we have someone named Mumps coming up at some point.

I'm not leaving, I have to know what that is.

Okay, great.

We're gonna take a break when we come back.

We're gonna have more with Eddie Pepitone, more Patton Oswald.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

Yeah,

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back, and we have Eddie Pepetone here and Patton Oswalt.

And during the break, I mentioned TMZ and that reminded me of something.

Patton, you were on the 30 Mile Zone website just the other day.

What?

Talking at some airport or something.

They ambushed you with a question about if they were to make a live-action Ratatouille movie, would you do the voice for it or something like that?

They use that.

I had just come off a plane from London.

Oh, Cheerio.

And hello.

Hello, Govna.

Like Madonna, you were talking like that.

Yes, exactly.

These are references that are very cool.

Wow, that was TMZ.

Okay, some guy would just add, he had a video camera.

He was like, hey, so you'll talk to anyone with a video camera?

He's nice enough.

Why not?

But he was asking, like, if they're doing all these live-action Disney movies, would you do a live-action ratatoo?

I'm like, yeah, sure.

Something about the rat element.

Like in real life, you know, he's cute in the movie, but.

Yeah, exactly.

I don't know if they could pull that off.

If it was a Lion King style.

I either get asked, would you do the live action or would you, because there was also, there was a false story that went around a few weeks ago about ratatooey two in the works.

Ratta two.

Ratatouille.

With a rat holding up two fingers or two rat to two.

Hobson Shop resented.

And I do rat two two.

And I just said, look, I mean, I haven't heard anything about it, and I'll probably be the last to hear about it.

If Brad Bird comes up with the story that he likes, they'll do a sequel, but he's not in a rush to get a sequel out.

It's weird that a guy named Bird made a movie about a rat.

It is a little weird.

Like, it's strange, right?

He's a weird guy.

Yeah, a rat, a robot.

Come on.

It's like, come on, just make a movie about a bird.

That's what we want.

It is a little weird.

Yeah.

And then

John Ratzenberger, who's a voice in all of the

Pixar movies, doesn't voice a rat in Ratatouille.

Strange stuff.

I don't know what's going on.

Yeah, I don't know what's happening here with Pixar over there.

We're through the looking glass right now, people.

Yeah.

But in any case, the collapse is out on Veeps

right now.

In any case.

In any case.

Wow, is there a better hype man than Scott Auckland?

Yeah, I know.

But

wait, what's this?

Sorry, did you, are you guys, is your phone going off, Patton?

What is this?

Hang on.

Mine's off.

Mine's off, too.

Eddie, this must be.

I smell doo-doo.

Do y'all smell that?

I smell doo-doo.

What is this?

I smell doo-doo.

Do y'all smell that?

Yo, take that toilet paper right from front to the back.

I smell doo-doo.

Do y'all smell that?

I smell doo-doo.

Do y'all smell that?

I smell doo-doo.

Do y'all smell that?

Yo, take that toilet paper right from front to the back.

What, Scotty?

Alcumon.

What?

Sorry, who are you, sir?

What was that?

Oh, you don't remember me?

I don't remember you at all.

You don't remember me, Scott.

Sorry, who are you, sir?

Oh, it's your old pal.

What shall I say nemesis?

Tootie Rivers.

Tootie Rivers.

Do y'all smell that?

Yo, take that toilet paper and wipe from Frank.

Scotty Alcomen got so scared he doesn't do on himself.

What?

No, what?

What do you...

Have I ever met you before?

I'm so sorry.

Tootie who?

1984.

Fulton County Stadium, Atlanta, Georgia.

We wrestle, Scott.

Oh, when I was in the wrestling.

I mean the WWW.

Wrestling, wrestling, wrestling.

I thought wrestling wrestling was put with an R.

Yeah.

The three Rs.

Yeah, Pattriton wrestling.

This is Patton Oswald.

Patton Oswald.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was still.

You are from the King of Queens.

Yeah, the King of Queens.

Well, you may be from the King of Queens,

but I'm the King of Georgia.

You better watch your pants, Patty Oswalt.

Oh, Patton.

I'm sorry, you're a wrestler or something?

Okay, you have, it's right in front of you.

You walked right in front of you.

Let me tell you something, Scotty.

I have walked through the Dovers of Delaware.

I have walked through the Memphises of Tennessee.

There's only one, I think.

I have walked through every single San Antonio of Texas

to find you.

Okay.

And I come to knock them Wabby Parkers off your eyes, Scott.

Yeah, look, I didn't appreciate that.

Your name's Tootie, by the way.

Oh, you don't remember me.

I don't remember.

You walked.

Tootie walked right in.

He knocked my glasses off my head and then started playing this song.

What is that song?

That's my theme music, Scott.

Theme music, okay.

Because I smell doo-doo, Scott, and it's coming from that chair you sit your ass in.

There's no doo-doo, sir.

I don't know what kind of chair is that?

How much it costs, Scott?

You live in this big old nice mansion with dragons and moats.

To be honest, I never checked the price on the chair.

It could have been $50, it could have been a million.

I had to fight alligators,

I had to fight crocodiles.

You got to fight alligators.

Well, I got to come in here

and tell you that I'm not going nowhere Scott I don't know I'm back in your life I don't even know I'm back in your ass I don't know I've we've never met before I don't think 1984 in Atlanta what it what it's Fulton County Stadium Fulton County Stadium where what and you and I wrestled oh you don't remember the WWW

wrestling wrestling wrestling okay I think it's spelled with it's spelled with an R yeah who is that talking right there

again that's Pat Nash

from Ratatouille Ratatouille yeah yeah he's very concerned with things that start with R's but

Tutti, was that during the Olympics Richard Jewell had his moment in his son?

No, brother Peppin.

That was 1996.

Ah, 12 years off.

12 years a wrestler.

Eddie considers everything pre-Richard Jewell and post-Richard Jewell, so it's good to put this into.

This was pre-Richard Jewel.

I hate to interrupt.

Is that your entrance music when you enter the ring?

Is that what you walk into?

Yes, that's absolutely right, Patty Oswald.

And what's it about?

It's about people smelling doo-doo.

Well, no, it's about him smelling doo-doo.

I smell it because I scare the shit out of people.

Oh.

Oh, now I got it.

Okay, so when you enter the ring, your opponent or maybe even the crowd member.

Everybody in the crowd, diarrhea is at one time.

I don't think I would want to go in there.

Yeah, I don't.

Working County Stadium.

You don't remember?

I think he would have remembered.

I would have remembered that if a whole stadium would have.

I don't even think I was born.

That's because I knocked him out so hard.

I knocked him out so hard.

I knocked each and every tooth out his mouth.

I definitely don't remember this, but I mean, it could have been such a difficult,

hard knockout that I got amnesia.

All of Mississippi's rivers.

I have crossed all the lakes in Erie.

Oh, P.A.

Okay.

To find you, Scott.

Okay, here I am.

I mean, I've been here.

You have to knock them Madewell jeans off your ass.

Oh, no.

You're not going to be knocking out any of that.

Again, I don't want to interrupt.

If you knocked Scott out so quickly in this match, you clearly defeated him.

So what's the problem?

Because they gave him the title.

Why?

Whoa.

Whoa.

He doesn't even remember.

I'm kind of on 2D's side on this if that's what happened.

They cheated me.

What did they do?

Gave him the title.

Why?

Oh, I don't know why.

Legit.

Seems like if this was such a big deal, you'd know why.

Because I certainly don't.

May I guess?

I mean, if he caused a stadium full of people to defecate,

maybe there was.

I immediately was disqualified due to defecation by audience.

Okay.

Is this something that happens at all?

It feels like a thing that might happen in a lot of matches.

Are you?

I have wrestled Scott Auckerman about 14 times.

Oh, my goodness.

Would you like me to name all of the

1984, Fulton County?

1984, Fulton County Stadium.

1986, the Omni in Milwaukee.

The Omni?

Yeah.

Yes, in the ballroom.

1988.

Okay, we're on a two-year cycle then.

The Sheraton

in Dover, Delaware.

Okay.

Well, hang on.

I think I bet that's a small where we're very small.

Yeah, seems like we're going down.

Right next to the Continental Breakfast.

Well, that is not where you want to make people lose ballots.

What happened in 1990?

I burned you on the waffle machine.

1990, I took a break.

Oh, okay.

It sounds like you did on 1989 as well.

Yeah.

And in 1985 and 1987.

But what happened in 92?

1992.

I went to Barcelona for the Olympics.

Oh, okay.

Just to watch.

Okay.

Then in 94.

I love sport.

I love sport and patriotism for each country.

Now, if you just go to a match to watch it, if you attend a sport away, you don't play that music when you enter to find your seat or do you?

Every single goddamn time, Pat House Ball.

i do it for the people i do it for the people who out there who've been cheated in their life like me i do it for the people who are suffering like me so you've won zero matches because anytime you walk and do a match everyone diarrhea themselves you get disqualified why why are you still in the sport and i came on this hip program to get those rules changed after 41 years okay i don't know do you do this when you walk into other places like movie theaters and stuff oh not unless i'm wrestling somebody okay are you a spokesperson for a modium

i should be yeah and he's putting together deals he should be yeah that would be you should be my manager mr peppermint i'll do it

well that was the quickest yes i think i've ever heard yeah i only have five percent to give perhaps seven

perhaps seven right we'll talk yeah these terms wow i'm not quite sure he seems like a handful i'd like to do it over zoom though i don't want any complications so you've just stuck strictly to wrestling or have you tried to cross over it in mma or anything like like that, or it's just wrestling for you?

Just wrestling for me.

Okay.

I'm sorry, wrestling.

Wrestling, the people's sport.

Yeah.

So, no, what's the difference between wrestling and MMA?

Just kicking?

Is that...

A lot of things are different.

I have no idea.

Don't have time to describe that to you.

But you don't like kicking or whatever the differences are.

I'll kick if I need to.

It's like, I'll kick that American apparel shirt off your chest right now.

Okay, you've described inaccurately everything I'm wearing right now.

What brand of shirt is that?

It's a t-shirt.

It's got a fitting collar, so I know it's expensive.

I think I got it at Target, whatever their brand is.

Goodreads.

Goodreads.

Goodreads?

Goodreads.

Goodreads.

I didn't know they're making t-shirts now.

Is that something?

I don't know.

Last time I went to Target, it was Massimo.

Massimo?

Oh, Massimo, what's his last name?

Never mind.

So, look,

I don't remember these people.

Scott, I'm on you.

I'm on you.

I'm not going nowhere, Scott.

I'm right here with you, Scotty Aux.

Yeah.

And you, Patty Oswald.

I don't know.

And you, Eddie Peps.

I, I, I, my manager.

I mean, you're always welcome here.

It is an open

door policy here on Comedy Bang Bang.

Oh, it's going to be an open door, Scott, when I open up the door to your soul.

That actually sounds nice.

That doesn't sound really threatening.

It will be painful.

Oh, okay.

Because it will be your real soul.

And I have to go through your chest.

Oh, okay.

So I have to go through your Goodreads t-shirt and your fruit of the loom A shirt under there.

My Audible

jock strap.

Your Audible.com, Jock Strap.

And my Veeps.com.

Yo, Veeps.com comedy special.

I mean, you're very, I got to say, you're an older man.

Yes,

you're not that intimidating.

You did slap my glasses off my, and you were right about the brand.

That was good.

But you are, I mean, you're kind of hunched over.

You're kind of old and withered.

You're not incredibly intimidating.

I'm still very strong.

I may be old and withered, but I'm still spry on the inside.

What's the biggest thing you think you could pick up right now?

Right now?

This whole house.

Wow.

So he's old and withered, but he's old and with it.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Okay.

How would you like to be my manager, Mr.

Patty Ox?

Wait, wait, wait.

What percentage do you have to give?

I mean, I only have four to six to give.

Wait, wait, four to six.

Oh, okay.

That's very different.

So we're done?

Oh, I'm still giving you five to seven.

All right, wait a minute.

This is sounding like a bad deal for me.

Yeah, that's right.

You're like Dean Martin, who gave away 110% of his income to all of his managers.

Is that right?

You're kidding.

Oh, God, you totally over.

Damn it.

I met Dean Martin 1974 at the Riviera Hotel.

Really?

In Las Vegas, Nevada.

I mean, that's where you would meet him.

Yeah.

What was that like?

What was the meeting like?

I told him I was going to get Scotty Ox if it was the last thing I did.

Were you born yet, Scott?

No, I mean,

I was born in 96.

Scott, don't lie about your age.

That is unbelievable.

Who are you, EMF?

That's right, I am EMF.

Wait, I don't know about them.

I'm too young.

EMF, every motherfucker.

I believe it's ecstasy motherfuckers, but anyway.

All right.

Look, Tootie, I don't remember you.

You continue on with your program.

I'm going to be here the whole time.

Okay, great.

Can we get to our next guest?

Is that our microphone?

It's right in front of you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't need to grab it.

Let's get to our next guest guest then.

Let's see.

I mentioned someone named Mumps is on the show.

This is very exciting.

Please welcome Mumps.

Hey, Scott.

It's really good to finally meet you in person.

Hi, yeah.

I mean,

look, I love meeting our guests.

So wonderful to meet you, Mumps.

This is Patton.

This is Eddie.

Oh, I know.

This is a man named Tootie.

Yah!

And his catchphrase, ya, I guess.

He's happy to hear his name.

Scott, I don't want you to be distracted by these men here.

Oh, okay.

No, I'll focus on you.

This is your segment to shine.

Yeah.

What are you here to talk about?

Mumps.

What an unusual name, mumps.

Is it?

Well, I mean, usually it's an affliction.

Oh, I know.

That's how I died.

You what now?

Scott, I am your guardian angel.

I'm here to tell you something bad's going to happen to you.

Oh,

my guardian angel?

Really?

I've heard about these things.

Patton, have you heard about these, these guardian angels?

a i've heard about guardian angels i i thought that they were just angelic beings i didn't know that they were of someone who dies and then becomes a guardian

where do you think all these people these angelic beings come from

there's not unlimited resources up there oh i thought i thought it was so when you get to when you get to heaven you have to change your name to whatever you died of of course so what clarence and it's a wonderful life yeah what did he die of clarence Clarence he was oh a clearance sale he was a clear he died on Black Friday he got stamped on Black Friday He got his head smushed.

Oh, my God.

He got his head smushed.

So you hear to tell Scott that I'm going to knock the Ross Dress for Let's socks off his feet.

Listen.

Not too far off.

I don't often know until the moment it's about to happen.

Scott, you don't realize I've saved you a lot.

And I've never gotten a thank you.

Like what?

What are the examples of times you've saved me in my life?

How about you want today?

Yeah, I don't remember anything happening today.

Okay.

You're welcome.

You're literally welcome because nothing did happen today.

Oh, well, I mean, what was going to happen?

Okay.

So you woke up.

Okay.

You slipped right out of bed, fell on your head.

That I left because it was funny.

Well, I would prefer.

That actually kind of hurt.

I would prefer maybe you saved me from stuff like that.

You need that stuff to keep you in check.

Everything went perfect.

I don't think you'd have, you're not going to be.

I would just be walking into the street with exactly.

It's like how you should know a stove is hot.

Okay, you know so you didn't save me from that I didn't save you from that because it was funny so you slipped out of bed and you fell and you hit your head as you were about to walk into the shower

There was a guy behind there behind behind where behind there yeah behind the shower behind the shower in your walls you have a guy in your walls I have a guy I have a guy like a bad Ronald style guy in my walls who is bad Ronald

It's a movie that I'm too young to remember

Scott, I know your age

I've been with you.

Hey, come on.

Mumps, play it cool.

I have your birth certificate.

What are you doing with my birth certificate?

I have your birth certificate.

I have to carry this shit around, Scott.

Give me that so I can rip it up.

Make sure Scotty Ox never existed.

Oh no, I'm going to be deported?

Yeah.

Or wait, you think ripping up a birth certificate means that

it never existed?

No, it means you get deported.

Scott, there was a guy behind your shower today.

Okay, so what did you do to stop the guy in my youth?

That would be very strange if I had a contractor.

I would hope, Scott, I pray to God you hire your contractors and you don't let them live in your walls and come out

when they see an issue.

This guy was what?

He was going to jump into the shower with me and murder me or what was going to happen?

That's your fantasy, not mine.

I should have thought of that.

Instead of coming on the program.

He was slowly increasing the temperature of your water every single day so that one day when you took a shower, you'd be boiled alive and you never realized it.

Oh my God, that sounds like a terrible way to die.

Yeah.

And you saved me from this?

How did you,

what did you do?

I squished him.

You squished him.

You what?

I squished him.

I squished him.

You killed this guy?

I squished him.

He's in your wall, but he's gone.

All right, Scott?

That's just one of the things I did for you today.

I always thought a guardian angel saved you, like sort of gently pulled you back when you were about to walk in front of a bus or, you know.

That's a stereotype.

Oh, sorry, mumps.

So you just, you killed someone who is going to murder me.

He's going to murder you really slowly over time, and I killed him.

Can I ask you a question about the logistics?

Can I have a follow-up?

Yeah, but go ahead.

Okay, I do have a question.

Yes, I think we all do

about the hot water.

Yeah.

Now, if it's incrementally going up, what about the shower right before

him burning up?

Isn't he going to

have a lot of burns from it?

That's where my head goes, like logically.

Like it's not a binary thing like, you know, a shower is safe and shower burns.

Yes, exactly.

Yeah, you'd think that, wouldn't you?

But you'd be a fucking idiot.

You'd be a fucking idiot.

All right.

Okay.

You'd be a fucking idiot.

That's all I wanted.

Do you know how strong the human skin is?

No.

Test it.

Test it now.

Ow.

You just pinched yourself, Eddie.

I know.

I don't know how else to test it.

You might have weak skin.

Most people, including Scott, have very strong skin.

Oh, so it takes a long time.

If you accustom, you can accustom yourself to burns.

As someone who died of mumps, I know this.

When did you die of mumps?

Yeah, when did you die of mumps?

Or ma'am?

Excuse me?

Sir or ma'am.

I don't know your pronouns yet.

And I'm not going to tell you.

I died of mumps in 1921, so I missed the Great Depression, which kind of sucked.

It sucks that you missed the Great Depression or just the Depression sucked in general.

I wish I was there.

Huh.

Because it's like these big moments in history, and you die just before it.

Yeah.

I know.

Yes.

Doesn't that

bum you out?

I mean,

you're kind of missing that.

I kind of hope I die before the apocalypse.

Yeah, I'm hoping I die soon.

You can help with all of that.

You don't want to see how you would react?

I know I'd react badly.

Yeah, I've been around some tragedies, and I see how I react.

And

I prefer you to be a surprise.

You act like a yellow-bellied coward.

Come on.

Your Your skin is strong because it's yellow.

I tell you how you act in the face of tragedy.

You lay there and take the win when it's not yours.

But tonight,

I'm coming back.

I'm not doing shit with you tonight.

I'm sorry.

You're saying this person in Scott's wall was incrementally increasing the temperature of the shower to boil him alive.

Correct.

How long had this person been doing it before you intervened?

I can only intervene.

It's like a therapist, right?

If you go to your therapist every day and you're like, eh, I'm kind of going to kill myself.

Boy, that's a little too much.

You can't really do anything until you stop saying kinda.

I don't think so.

And then

they have to be like, we got to tie you out back.

So they get on the phone and go, okay, he stopped saying kinda, send somebody.

So you've been following me around to my therapist as well.

Is that what you're trying to say?

Every day, this man walks in and goes, Welp, I'm kind of going to kill myself today.

Who goes to a therapist daily?

What therapist would take on clients daily?

But you

let this person incrementally increase the temperature.

I had to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe he wouldn't.

Maybe he's going to stop.

Right?

Because I can't control fate, Pat.

Like, there's a lot of stuff happening to you.

I see your guardian angel kind of playing and being like, let's see if it'll happen.

Let's see if I need to intervene.

Yo, wait, where is my guardian angel right now?

Yeah, where's where's

where the fuck is my guardian angel?

I mean, where's beheading?

Is there a network of guardian angels?

Absolutely.

You only come to earth when something really dire is going going to happen.

So I came to Earth this morning when that guy was going to kill you.

Oh, so you've been hanging out up in heaven or wherever?

I'm hanging out most of the time because most of the stuff I can kind of do from afar, you know, remote working.

It happened in COVID and stuff.

Yeah, we have Zoom and stuff up there.

So I've been doing cool stuff.

Yeah.

Zoom is an incredible telecommunication program.

It costs like $30 a month.

What about Google Workplace?

I don't like Google Workplace.

It's a little buggy.

Skype, you know, just went out of business.

It's so sad.

It's so arbitrary, right?

Guys, we're kind of in the weeds right now.

Can we get back?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So am I your first client?

You're my first client.

What were you doing in between 1922 and 1996 when I was born?

Okay, Scott.

I have your birth certificate.

Shut the fuck up, mumps.

Come on, man.

Kids listen to this.

I know where you were born.

They want to think I'm cool.

Do you know about 1984 at the Fulton County Stadium?

Were you there to protect him?

I may have been.

Question number two.

You don't have to number your questions, Judy.

You can just ask, is that Squishet Man's body body still in Scott's wall?

And would it start to stink?

That squished man's body is in your wall, but you don't have to worry about that because it's your shower.

So that's the place to stink.

Oh, it gets it clean.

Well, yeah, it's going to be the least thing.

If it was like behind your bed, I would have,

you know, you would have probably seen me this morning hanging out, taking the trash bag, moving that guy out.

So you do clean up if it's really going to stink.

But if it's in the shower, it's like, do you need to wash your bar of soap?

If he's getting water in the walls of his bathroom, he will develop mold.

That is true.

I think you're wrong on the science on this.

I think the shower is the cleanest place in the house.

I'll tell you what I'm wrong about, Scott.

What's happening?

I'm wrong, Tootie.

That I should have got here weeks ago before this squished man was in your walls.

And I should have hid in your walls and smacked you on the ass when you're getting out of the shower.

But then you would have been squished.

It sounds like money.

I would have done something to you, man.

I'd like to see you try.

You think you're so strong, Tootie.

This weekend.

What?

At the Sheraton.

Oh, God.

You want to fight me?

Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Are you challenging an angel to a fight?

I challenge an angel.

I challenge the devil.

I challenge a dog and a cat.

Yeah, this didn't work out too well for Jacob, the famous Jacob.

Jacob wrestled the angel.

Yeah,

exactly.

Do you ever wonder why your life is so hard?

Please tell me because I've been wondering.

Since 84 at the Pulton County Stadium, your guardian angel is pissed.

At who?

At you.

Me?

He's pissed at you, man.

I have a second question.

What?

Why?

Wait, can you be assigned to guard someone that you don't like?

Absolutely.

How does that happen?

You ever be in a group project with someone you think stinks?

Oh, yeah, that's true.

Yeah, that's a good point.

I mean, as comedians were mainly solitary performers.

Why do I got to prop this other person?

But then patent executive produced out of show.

Okay, this is a perfect example.

Your guardian angel, okay.

Cholera.

Cholera two, second person diabetes cholera.

Sounds hot.

Second person with Cholera two.

Wow.

Wow.

Cholera two.

Two rap two two is a broader.

Kind of is executive producing your life, right?

But thinks he stinks.

Imagine, let's say I'm sure your work is so amazing.

I haven't seen it.

I don't have beeps.

Beeps is very expensive.

Or it could be cheap.

We have no idea what's very reasonable.

Yeah, we have $12.

Please see my specialty.

I'm sure you're really funny, but let's say you hated his work.

Wouldn't it be tough to executive produce?

Wouldn't you almost want it to to fail?

Wouldn't I pass on exec producing it?

But you can't pass because it was an assignment that

one of our Hollywood ambassadors, like Sly Stallone and Mel Hudson and John Voigt assigns you.

You didn't say no to any of them.

Some triumphant.

So my John Voigt assigned me to Scott.

Well, your John Voigt is God.

My John Voigt is God.

And I like you.

I think you're trying.

Okay, well, that's, I mean, that's the most any of us.

I don't think she hates.

Well, sorry, he, she.

mumps does sound a little exasperated with you right but cholera two

just hates tuttie over openly hates cholera two thinks you stink no i don't stink i'll tell you who stinks everybody around you because they're all because of the diarrhea when i knock the common projects off his feet listen listen to let me tell you something let me tell you something we got cheers up up there you know

cheers yeah we got our own bar we're at cheers do you have your own norm i mean george went of course a great friend of the show he just passed away we have george went george went the real george went When he showed up, did everyone just go, norm?

Yeah, and he got pissed.

Yeah, I can imagine.

He's like, I thought I would escape that.

Well,

he's like, I'm changing my name to heart failure.

He's also like,

where was my guardian angel looking after?

Although, hang on.

Tell me.

If he died of heart failure, does someone have George Went as a guardian angel named Heart Failure?

Yes.

That's, yeah.

Has he been assigned to someone yet?

George Went is in line.

Oh, he's in line.

Heart failure is in line right now.

He's the first person to die of heart failure.

He's in line.

They ideally try to match you, but sometimes it's kind of just like, I don't know, both of you are available at the same time.

So we're waiting on a few people to drop.

But if you're in line, stay in line, heart failure.

Exactly.

That's the sense I'm getting with Mumps and Scott, which is that just YouTube.

I think if it wasn't just YouTube, but sometimes, you know, you're kind of like, you're a little dynamic.

You ever see, do you have rush hour here?

The movies?

The movies?

We have three of them.

Is that how many there are up in heaven?

Tons more oh but that sounds awesome that sounds great i can watch a black man an asian man all day long

you know and this is why caller 2 was kind of interested caller 2 is asian uh and he was interested in staying with you for a little bit of a rush hour effect But we have a bunch of rush hours up there, and they're very funny for us.

I don't know the reason you guys find them funny, but it's kind of a pair you wouldn't put together.

You don't know that they were.

That's a lot of the reason why we like them down here.

Interesting.

Never seen yours, but up there.

Yeah, it's a big part of it.

Right, interesting.

Can I ask how many people have you murdered to save me over the years?

Today?

No, over the course of my lifetime.

Today.

Okay, well, today,

three.

You're doing a lot of stuff you don't realize is bad, Scott.

So Scott fell down his stairs.

Funny, didn't stop it.

Thanks, by the way.

And went to go pour himself some coffee.

Ew.

And so as he's putting it in his little Nespresso machine or whatever, he almost freaking burns himself.

Oh.

And you might think, oh, that's not a person you murdered.

It's another guy under your little cabinet.

Wait, there's another guy who is.

Under the Nespresso machine.

I'm sorry.

What do people need to do around Scott where you leap in and just murder them?

Like,

this was another person.

Is he always in danger?

Or is like, if someone cuts him off in a grocery line, what happens?

Give me that microphone.

I tell you.

If Scott would have cut me off in a grocery line, I would have stuff down his throat all the Granny Smith apples I just bought.

Then I would be forced to get out of my head.

What are you doing?

Those are tart.

Of course they are tart.

Tart.

Hmm.

Hate it.

I love that word.

Great source of fiber.

It just seems like you kind of have an itchy trigger finger as far as

stepping in.

Yeah.

I don't want to feel responsible for the deaths of hundreds of people.

Like the guy's holding him alive.

That's legit.

I get it.

But

my floor.

Who have you intervened with?

Well,

Scott, do you remember your 11th grade English teacher?

Yeah, no, yeah, I do, actually.

Yeah, Mr.

McCarthy.

Yeah, Mr.

McCarthy.

Yeah, Mr.

M, we used to call him.

It's a nice nickname.

Yeah, sometimes double M because of the Mr.

Right.

Yeah, M squared.

Sometimes we would walk in and go, M squared, what's up?

Yeah, that's funny.

He's a great guy.

And M squared, he'd go, what?

He's an English teacher.

Oh.

Yeah, he doesn't know math.

Scott, one time he was giving you a hard time about a paper.

Right, right.

This is maybe my only oopsie.

He said he was going to give you a D minus, and you got mad.

You said, wow, I worked really hard on this.

I read War and Peace.

It's really long.

Isn't that impressive?

Which that's what Scott was kind of like in high school.

You know, kind of being like, I'm impressive.

I get it.

Okay.

Yeah,

enough of the animals.

Do you want to know where he was in high school?

Because I have his birthday.

I lean that up.

Come on, moms.

Back on track.

But I gave that guy kind of the what's what, you know, after you, after you left in the 11th grade.

After, why not before he gave me the d minus because he did give me the d minus he wasn't an f you see i'm not crazy but you killed him after i left 11th grade

i said it was an oopsie why are we all mad you should be grateful why are we she stopped him from touching you on your private parts exactly he could have been

never even he wasn't he was a nice teacher that i like squared i've killed a lot of teachers that could have been pedophiles to you uh and how many never said thank you for first grade teacher that would have been super pedophilia when you're really little, okay?

But wasn't

a pedophile,

not

yet.

Okay, I feel

terrible.

I feel like I feel like I'm walking around and it's a death sentence for anyone I come into contact with, and it's all about.

If they're contacting you, and if you're a child, which you kind of claim you are, but I got the birth certificate, and I'm sitting there.

Please, moms, tell me you're not going to kill these three here who are on the

great friends of mine, Cotton and

Head.

I'm looking down at his name, Tootie Rivers.

Give me that microphone.

You can't kill me.

Got an angel of mumps.

Why not?

I'd like to see you try.

Tootie, I got to tell you, your Guardian Angel is off the clock.

He does not like to work with you.

Maybe that's why I've been getting cheated by Scotty Ox in the wrestling ring since 1984.

He says it's embarrassing.

When we're at heaven cheers.

Cheers.

Yeah, you guys just call it cheers.

When he's in Heaven Cheers, he's going, we're all talking.

We're all drinking shop.

You guys go to a bar and talk about, I don't know, a joke you said.

Yeah, sure.

Pretty much.

Yeah.

I hung out with Eddie and Barr.

That's pretty much the conversation I'll say.

Hey, I did this bit.

Yeah.

And then someone goes, cool.

Right.

And you leave.

Yeah.

These are the exact conversations that we have.

Yeah.

I say.

Where are you going?

Sounds like mumps is on the job and cholera is just not cholera two.

Cholera two.

Sorry.

Cholera is fantastic.

Who's cholera

the guardian angel of?

Lenny Kravitz.

What?

Whoa.

He was maybe taking a break that time he split his hands open and his dong fellows.

Guess what?

No, he wasn't.

Huge publicity bump.

Am I right?

I mean, people loved Lenny Kravitz now because of that.

A wardrobe malfunctional.

Oh, yeah.

His whammy bar just came out there with the ball.

He was doing a dance and some leather pants and his dangle egg started jingle.

A guy was backstage.

Well,

he just dropped some bars there.

Thank you.

Thank you, Mr.

Petty House.

You wrestle with the English language.

So you're saying that Guardian Angel was like, you know what?

His record sales are plateauing.

What can we do here?

Well, and the Guardian Angel saw a guy going backstage trying to cut open his leather pants.

Almost stopped him, then said, hold up.

Going to be good for record sales.

So let the plants split on stage.

His penis fell out.

Did Cindy Lauper's Guardian Angel make the bird poop fall in her mouth while she was singing as well?

Absolutely.

So there was a guy that was squeezing a bird up in the rafters on top of a concert venue.

You know, she and they were squeezing the bird, and he thought, wait a minute, maybe I got to stop that.

Maybe I got to stop that.

But then he said, hold on.

This is going to be good.

Pub for sin.

Right, right.

Let him squeeze it, felling right in her mouth.

I think none of us were listening because we were all just laughing at the memory of this happening.

It's pretty unreal, right?

I know.

We're doing a lot of stuff.

Now that you point it out this way, it does feel like something a guy would have to be arranged by some kind of celestial being.

Yeah, exactly.

Remember that lollipop stick that went into David Bowie's eye while he was singing?

What?

Look up a picture of it.

Are you kidding?

He's like singing into a microphone and a stick is just

eye.

Yeah, someone threw it.

In any case, it sounds to me, it sounds to me more like these guardian angels are like PR people.

Yeah.

They're in heaven for people.

Yeah, we get 10%.

You don't notice?

I mean, I've wondered where all my money is going.

Is it going up there to heaven to you?

I take 10%, baby.

What do you need money in heaven for?

It's like a status thing.

Oh, just a moment.

I don't know.

Is it like that down here?

Sort of.

Oh, it's definitely like that down here.

Yeah, well,

you're right in front of me.

It's definitely like that down here because Mr.

Scotty Hulks walk around parading his money all the time.

All the time you walk around.

Look at those headphones he got on.

Beat by Dre.

Yes, I exclusively listen to Beats by Dre while I'm performing the show.

Well, look, moms, we have to take a break.

I appreciate everything you've done for me, but I don't know that I love...

I mean,

how many people have died?

Thousands.

Today?

No, no, I'm talking about the entire.

Stop saying today.

I'm talking about my entire life.

Well, all your teachers.

Gone.

Every teacher who's a, I mean,

I know that I mind it.

You're welcome.

I didn't want you to get sexually harassed at work, so anyone you worked in an an office with

horrible.

So many dead.

You're welcome.

Have you ever been sexually harassed at work?

No, but I thought that was because I'm ugly.

Scott, no.

All these people were itching.

They were in me.

Sexually harassed.

God damn it.

Well, why did you let them?

They were moments away.

Moments away.

I could tell.

Shit, I've been lonely my entire life.

Yeah.

Well, look, we got to take a break.

Mums, can you stick around?

Yes, and I have to.

All right.

Well, we're going to take a break.

We'll be right back with more Eddie Pepitone, more Patton Oswald, more Tootie Rivers, more mumps.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.

We have Eddie Pepetone.

The special is The Collapse.

It's out on Veeps.com slash Eddie Pepetone, or you just go to Veeps.

I'm sure it'll be right there on the main page.

And we also have Patton Oswald is here, of course.

Of stage and screen?

Stage?

I don't know.

Well, I mean,

comedy stage.

Comedy stage.

Ever going to do a play?

Speak the speech, I pray you.

Waiting for Godot, maybe.

Oh, my God.

The two of you and Waiting for Godot.

Oh, one man Waiting for Godot.

Oh, yeah.

Or do I like how quickly you shunted Eddie off the back of the side?

Come on.

Or do

a Rosencrantz and Gildenstern version of Waiting for Godot, where it's just Godot trying to get there.

Yeah, and like all the troubles that happen.

This is taking forever.

They're going to be so pissed at me.

Did they have subways back then?

By the way, they did.

Eddie has to leave in a second.

Again, we're promoting the special.

He's going to go to the next one.

Oh, okay, Eddie.

You have to go?

Well,

he's doing a thing on Jubilee where he is going to debate 20 fascists.

He's going to battle wrap them.

Oh, okay.

That sounds cool.

All right.

Well, Eddie, thanks so much for having me.

Thanks for having me, everybody.

Please watch the special.

Yeah, take care of yourself.

We also have Tootie Rivers is here.

Give me that microphone.

Jesus, I ain't going nowhere.

Scotty, I've asked you to stick around.

I'm staying right here.

That's That's fine.

And I'm going to knock that Eureka's castle tattoo right off your left-ass cheek, Scott.

Okay, please don't.

That's my one possession that I cherish above all the rest.

Because my time has come.

The people's time has come.

Okay.

You represent the people.

I remember the one causing diarrhea in any arena you go into.

Cleaning out their guts.

I guess it is a lot like a.

Yeah.

What do you call those?

The diuretic?

I guess so.

I like diarrhea is right in the title of that.

It's very clear.

It's good messaging.

You know what I mean?

We also have mumps.

My guardian angel is here.

Did you kill anyone during the break by chance?

It was necessary, Scott.

Who's dead now?

There was a guy.

There was a guy in the wall outside.

Why are there so many guys in my walls?

Oh, I have to be a guardian angel and a contractor.

Who my Jesus?

Get out of here.

Get out of here.

That's a good joke, by the way.

That is really good.

Stop.

No, stop.

No.

It was good.

It was good.

Were you a comedian in the 20s?

What did you do when you were alive mumps what did i do no you don't want to know no i do mump what was your name what did you do

my name was um

sam

and um

i uh san sam annum sam annum sam annum sam annum

and um

i used to uh i drove the first um forward around

the first four the first one the model t the model t you were You were that guy.

I was the guy.

I'm sorry.

Were you a delivery person or your job was just to drive the first forward around so we could see?

So I was kind of a model.

Oh.

And I drove it around to make sure people, because so people were freaked out when cars came out.

You don't,

Scott might remember, but the rest of you might not.

But like, come on.

When cars came out, people were scared.

It was like, it was like, what if there was a scarier horse?

Yes.

Yeah.

And

that's what I terrify.

I call cars scarier horses.

Absolutely.

I've always called them that.

A kind of uncontrollable horse.

And if you want them to catch on, you can't have people see ugly people driving.

You've got to find a model.

So the original Model T had an ugly person driving it.

Oh.

So you weren't the first.

No, I was the replacement.

This guy hid D us.

Wow.

Hid D us.

Just put a bag over it.

I don't even think a bag would help.

Yeah.

Because of the shape underneath.

You guys didn't have the term fugly back then, but that's what we've come to call it now.

Oh, that sounds like pasta.

What is that?

Oh,

yeah.

Oh,

fuggly.

pasta.

Yeah.

Eddie's back.

No.

Oh, wait, no, who is this?

My name is Kevin Tetullo.

Oh, Kevin Tetullio.

Yes, I run a bakery in New York City.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I thought our friend Eddie just left, and I thought he came back to pick up

his collection of glasses that he left on the table.

No, no, no.

Oh, he did forget to sell glasses.

Anyway, I just want to do...

Who are you, sir?

Kevin Tettullio, and I just want to promote my bakery.

We didn't have you booked on the show today, sir.

I know.

I saw the door

and I was like, oh, come the bang, bang.

You shouldn't put a big sticker on the door that says coming back.

Anyway, I want to say that

I love what you do.

And I want to promote my bakery.

I have.

Okay.

Yeah, feel free.

It's an open door policy.

You have a bakery somewhere.

Where are you from?

It's in New York City.

Oh, okay.

And me and my wife were on vacation here.

We're trying to see backdraft, but we can't find the

Universal Studios backdraft?

Yeah.

They took it out.

Yes, I know.

We're very disappointed.

What do they replace it with?

The Mario Karts or something like that?

No, the Mario roller coaster.

The roller coaster is there in South Africa.

And just like Mario, I'm going to jump on your turtle shell, Scott.

Okay, please don't.

New York City at the Millennium Hilton.

Times Square.

Why do you fight in so many hotels?

They got great ballroom.

Well, I find them relaxing.

Hotels?

Yeah.

I sleep in them a lot.

I sleep.

I go to the pool.

The two main things you do in hotels.

Yeah, I go to the pool.

I like going to the fitness center, even though they're depressing.

Yeah.

The fitness center.

They are, yeah.

The most depressing room in the hotel usually.

Yes, I go to a fitness center and what I like to do is eat my cannolis.

Oh, so you make cannolis?

I make them homemade, Scott.

That's why I'm here.

I want to talk to people about the lost art of the cannoli.

You take a cream and then you make it.

I mean, that's not very specific instructions.

Oh, well, I'm going to give you my secret.

Oh, that's true.

You're going to suck a mad dick.

I'm kidding about that.

I wasn't going to take you up on it if you were worried, but.

No.

Have you ever watched Stanley Tucci Traipes Around Italy?

I have, yeah.

It's a great program.

A friend of mine told him he should do that.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yes, I heard that.

Anyway.

Anyway, folks.

Anyway, please come to my bakery.

It's called Tutulio's.

Tutulio's.

In what part of New York City?

We don't know.

I'm sorry.

Does the bakery exist?

No.

I'm sorry.

What's happening?

I'm.

scared.

You're a yellow-bellied cow.

I thought I smelled

duty.

You're confrontational.

You haven't diarrhoeded yourself, have you?

Well,

I mean, I don't mean

to do it.

I don't mean in your entire life.

I mean, right now.

Oh, okay, okay.

No, not right now.

I'm immodium.

Okay.

So, so

you don't have a bakery.

It's an imaginary bakery or it's an aspirational bakery.

What exactly?

What do you say?

you mean like you're dreaming of opening a bakery i'm thinking of opening a bakery so why are you so you're not even dreaming about it you're thinking you're it's going to happen thinking my wife says i never followed through so i thought if i come on a podcast and say come to my bakery i'd have to it would light a fire on you say well what you say is something on a podcast that's true you have to podcast through it yeah yeah oh yeah so i mean

unfortunately this is going out right now yeah and it oh when is this going i thought this wasn't going to come out for about five years.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, I got to get a kraken.

I don't think you're going to be.

I mean, first of all, you sound like Harry Hamlin in Clash of the Titans.

But secondly, I don't know who that is.

But secondly,

it takes a long time to do these kind of things.

I don't think that you're going to be able to open a bakery.

Maybe a pop-up.

Can I just say this fear and hesitation?

Like if you had like a, I don't know, like a guardian angel to look to guide you.

Oh, no, I got to be everybody's guardian.

No, no, no, no.

I wasn't.

going to be able to do that.

No, are you taking on any clients?

Patton, do you want two full-time jobs?

No.

Maybe three full-time jobs.

No, no, no.

Well, Patton is a stand-up comedian.

He's an actor and he's a loving father and husband.

He's my manager.

And Tuti's manager.

Remember that happened.

Okay.

You're going to get four to six percent.

Oh.

Listen, if you have someone better to offer me, I'm willing to trade in Scott.

I'll say that now.

I mean, first of all,

I don't love the deaths that are happening around me, but if there are this many people hiding in my walls.

Do you have some that appreciates me?

Or do you, or do you only have people that are

annoyed?

If you go with Totullio, because it's going to take a lot of people for you to open this thing, but if you take on mumps as your guardian angel, there's just going to be deaths around you everywhere.

Yeah, a lot of people.

The permitting process, you know, all the people, the red tape standing in your way, is that somebody's hate of the red tape.

Okay.

Would you kill all of the people in the mayor's office who are like standing in the way of this bakery opening?

If they were standing in a way that I viewed as potentially pedophilic to you

I feel like you have a hang-up about this I would absolutely kill them and smoosh them dead at least the Ackerman list

I mean we're you're I have the Ackerman list it's staple to his birthday you know not the many not many people want to be teachers and you're eliminating

teachers it sounds like

like you have an issue about this like in the 20 I mean you were a model in the 20s I don't know I was a model in the 20s okay I replaced an ugly person right what was the modeling world like in the 20s was it as predatory as it is it was incredibly predatory it was beautiful if you were just if you were just a hot young buck you were the predator yes why do you think I know so much about them oh you're trying to atone

I can spot a predator because I am a predator I can see the behavior I see the hand gestures patent I can see what people are doing I can see pre-crime okay pre-crime that's a new Netflix category.

You know,

who better to catch a predator than a predator himself?

That's why I've never trusted that Chris Hansen guy.

That is,

he needs to do the work.

Yes.

But then, but then, okay, if this is something you're so upset, then why would I'm sorry?

Why, why would Tootie over here?

Why are you talking?

Are you talking about Kevin?

Why is Tootie's guardian angel not interested in him?

Yes, exactly.

What's going on?

You tell me.

You guys go to bars, right?

You talk about a joke.

We talked about this.

Yeah.

No, that was a different joke.

Oh, no, that was not me.

Oh, yeah, I don't know you guys.

Kevin Titulio goes to bars and talks about the last cannoli.

You go, hey, I made some cream today.

They go, yeah, whatever.

I go there to forget.

But so, so, um, so, tuties, what's going on there?

So, at our cheers, we're swapping stories.

I get to say, oh, Scott Ockerman, comedy legend, bumped his head today, and it was funny.

It was really funny.

It's very flattering.

It was really funny.

And I get to be scared of it.

I guess you don't see that kind of thing when you're living it, but from the outside perspective, that's yeah.

In heaven, you're a legend.

On earth, I don't know, a lunatic?

All right, maybe.

Knock, knock,

pull back, pull back.

Wait, wait, wait.

Knock, Scott.

Who's this?

Hey, it's your old pal.

Wait, sir, step into the light.

Who are you?

You can't recognize me?

It's me, yours truly.

It's not OJ, is it?

It absolutely is, Scott.

Hey, OJ Simpson.

I got a summons to be a guardian angel.

Oh, no.

Sorry, guys.

Patton and Kevin Tetullio and Mumps.

This is O.J.

Simpson.

He was

a football player.

Football player in the 70s and 80s.

And then he was in the naked gun.

And then I lost track of what he was up to in the 90s.

Sports memorabilia enthusiast?

Sure, yeah.

I'm very into sports memorabilia.

Old age?

Old age?

I'm an older guy, yeah.

How did you die again?

Me?

Oh,

also,

also, heart stuff, I believe.

Heart stuff.

Okay, stuff.

Is that your new name?

Hey, hearts.

You died of a guilt, my friend.

Guilt about what?

Oh, because I got my stuff back.

Yeah, I get it.

You stole your stuff back.

I got it.

Yeah, you know, not everybody's perfect.

Scott, I didn't even realize this was your address.

I thought I had it memorized.

Oh, yeah.

Please don't say it over the air.

But

so wait.

1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Come on, fine.

Okay.

Don't give away my assassination coordinates.

Look, OJ.

Mumps, get ready.

You're going to have a busy weekend.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah, so you got a call to be what?

To be...

A guardian angel.

Scott, this is so awkward.

Wow.

You're quitting, mumps?

While we were talking just now, I put in my resignation to

mumps.

To John Boyd.

I'm just kind of sick.

I'm tired of it.

John Voyager.

Is that what you talk about?

I'm just kind of to be.

H, sick of it.

I don't get any appreciation from you.

And I'm so tired of all the people I have to kill for you to be safe.

Look, I'm sorry.

And that must be horrifying to have to murder that many people, but I do appreciate you, mumps.

I look

at D-Mike, come out over here over here for a second.

It must be horrible to murder people.

OJ's a, I feel like OJ is too close to me to be able to do this job correctly.

Like you guys are.

I don't think he has the heart for it, you know, to

really keep me safe and do what you've been doing, the hard work of murdering people.

Oh my God.

You're in good hands with OJ.

He's really sweet, he's very attentive in kind of a like a scary way.

He's gonna pay attention to you a lot, super attentive.

I just worry that, you know, like if someone were to be rude to me, you know, like I go to a restaurant and a waiter is rude to me or something, he's not gonna have a heart to do anything to a waiter as long as he doesn't leave his glass.

Yeah, you're worried like Eddie Pepetone did, yeah, Eddie Pepitone left his glass.

I guess I gotta go take him back.

You're worried, oh no, no, no, that's okay.

You're worried.

You worried OJ's too soft for you yeah he's too soft he's a good buddy of mine yeah yeah listen listen i think you're gonna have an incredible time with him he is a big sweetie um but i think this could be helpful for you

i think this could be helpful for you to switch energies because i'm your kind of standard tough guy tough guy guardian angel and maybe you need a big softie because i think i think i think you're too delicate for me

you're crying about all these teachers i killed and you're not being cool about it and you keep bringing it up and it's just like i it's like we're already over it look i'm sorry i know everybody dies, and maybe you're just accelerating that for people.

Totally, I've I feel bad, mumps.

I don't want you to leave.

I

look, mumps, I appreciate you.

I thank you, thank you, mumps.

I haven't seen you at the bar in days.

Oh, OJ, it's I'm trying, I'm on an antibiotic.

Oh, you're on an antibiotic, yeah, you got something going on, yeah.

BV,

BV.

What is what is hey?

I'm over here too.

What is BV?

Big, big virus, Big virus.

Big virus.

This is something that's going around up here in BV.

Hey, you guys whispering about something?

Oh,

come on, come on.

What's the going on now?

Patton, come on.

Oh, yeah.

I have BV.

Mom says BV.

She's got a big virus.

Yeah.

So I can't drink because I'm on an antibiotic.

Oh, yeah.

I'm too concerned.

And sometimes when you go to the bar, I don't know if you ever have this.

You're like, oh, I should just get a drink.

But I don't want to drink.

Yeah, yeah.

And then you're like, oh, it sells her with bitters, but bitters has alcohol more.

Oh, oh, bitters has alcohol in it?

I just thought it made something bitter.

I actually don't know.

I'm kind of talking in my ass.

Oh, yeah.

I thought it was just something.

Yeah, but I hope I'm not a pixologist or anything.

Right, alcohol.

We're gonna serve.

I'm addicted to bitters.

Oh, Kevin, you're over here, too.

No, we're gonna serve the bitters in my bakery.

In the cannolis?

No, no, we're gonna have a little bar, a bitters bar.

Just a bitters bar?

Yeah, I don't want to say it too loud.

You don't want someone stealing your idea?

Yeah, bitters bar.

No bakery has it.

No bakery?

No bakery.

I could be the spokesperson for your bakery.

I would love it.

You want OJ Simpson or Tuti to be the spokesperson?

Give me that microphone.

You've been really silent.

I could be the spokesperson of your bar.

I'd take a pass on that.

I want OJ to be there.

OJ, it sounds like you have a lot of work here with Kevin Tetullio's bakery and his bidders bar.

I don't know that you have time to be my guardian angel.

I got news for you, Scott.

I'll always be watching.

Well, I appreciate that, OJ.

Are you saying that you want me to take care?

I think I am, Scott.

Oh, my God.

That's so nice.

Thank you so much.

And, mumps, I really want you to stick around.

Is that okay?

And I want you to do it without all the heavy sighing.

You know, I want you to improve your attitude as well.

Is that all right?

No.

Well, then, no deal.

We don't know what gender mumps is, but let me tell you, all the the sighing and stuff makes it seem like a woman.

Hey, come on now.

OJ, OJ, OJ's a little sweetie to women up in heaven, and down here, what?

A little dude?

Scott, you and I come from a different generation.

I know, but that's why we're so such good friends.

OJ's in heaven?

You've seen him up here.

I've been kidding?

OJ?

I'm a little confused.

I repented for stealing my stuff.

Charisma King.

Charisma King.

I mean, Charism gets you a lot up there.

It really does.

Oh, boy.

Patton Oswald.

I love your work.

Hey, Patton, do you remember one time

you probably didn't know who the guests were that were using your name to get in this place?

But there's a nice restaurant in Chicago

that you made a big reservation for,

and you did a really nice thing.

And they had great...

Truffle popcorn, the best truffle popcorn I ever had.

That's right.

This is with me as well.

Yeah, it was with Scott Ackerman and OJ Simpson.

And I kept going around that place place saying, I'm a friend of Patton Oscar.

Oh, I just said Scott Ackerman plus one.

I didn't.

Yeah, no, I brought OJ with me.

And OJ went around telling everyone that

you sort of were the reason that we were there.

I hope that's it.

So the staff or the other diners?

Oh, everyone that was there.

He made a big announcement, I remember.

You got on top of the piano.

Donald's on the piano, did a tap dance.

Yeah, that was that was a bonus.

Yeah, your guardian angel uses your name up there, too.

A lot of restaurants.

Who is Patton's guardian angel?

Do you mind me asking?

Yeah.

Did you guys know of a celebrity called?

Jeffrey Epstein.

Jeffrey Epstein.

Did you know of a celebrity down here called Jeffrey Epstein?

What is he called?

Murder?

He's called Murder or Suicide.

Oh,

they don't even know?

They won't release it.

Well, they won't release it.

Oh, well, you've been up there.

But hey, at least those MLK files came out.

I'm satisfied.

Yeah.

Well, look, guys, we're running out of time here.

We only have time for...

I'm so sorry, Kevin.

we barely got to talk about your imaginary bakery.

That's okay.

But we only have time for one final feature and that's a little something called plugs.

Oh

Sydney Neale Black

Open up the plug bag

Final Zanek dot

Ouvless plug most cut up

Oovless.

Ooh, the sack of blood, blood, move the saga, plug, move the saga, blug.

Oh, very nice.

Gosh, that was open up the plug bag French Canadian version by Monsieur Gravy Farts.

Beautiful name.

Beautiful name.

If you want to be like Monsieur Gravy Farts and hear your plugs theme on the show, head over to cbbworld.com/slash plugs, and you'll find everything you need there.

You can upload your tracks.

You can find stems for remixes.

Everything is over there.

So head on over there.

And guys, what do we plug in?

Patton Oswald, what do you want here?

Well, in less than a month from the day you're listening to this, August 24th, another Patton Oswald and friends will be happening at the Largo.

There was

friends.

I would never announce.

Just idiots that you live next door to, or is this this like professional entertainers?

Just my neighbors.

I bring them out, and we just have these are my friends.

We just talk about what's going on in the neighborhood.

Who's a weird guy who's all friends?

Yeah, come and look at my neighborhood.

Come watch my neighborhood watch, basically.

Well, this is great.

And you do this quite often over there at the Largo Day.

Once a month.

Once a month.

These are good shows if you're in L.A.

Are you doing a tour or anything like that?

Well, I have some tour dates coming up, but

the one I have coming up in Eugene is sold out.

I have three dates in October.

Go Go to patentoswell.com, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Gary, Indiana.

Gary, Indiana.

Gary, Indiana.

No, no, not Gary, Flint, Michigan.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Going to Flint, Michigan, and I'm donating part of the proceeds on the show to the Clean Water Fund up there.

Okay.

But it's all on pattonoswell.com.

Go there, grab your tickets.

I'll see you on.

I'll see you on the road.

Fantastic.

Oh, also,

I don't even know the day of this, August something.

I'm on a new episode of Star Trek Strange New Worlds.

Okay, yeah, those episodes started dropping a couple of weeks ago, so you're on one coming out.

That's fun.

I'm on one coming out.

That's a fun show.

That's a very fun show.

Yeah.

All right.

Are you playing like some sort of alien stand-up comedian or something?

I am playing a Vulcan.

I got to play a Vulcan.

Yes.

So I'm very

pointy-eared species of alien, perhaps.

Pointy-eared, unemotional species.

Greenblood.

Greenblood.

Greenblood, Ponfar, Ponfarned up, baby.

Okay.

All right.

This is fantastic.

I can't wait to see this.

Mumps, what do you want to plug?

I would like to plug in.

I'm looking for a new person.

Oh, yeah.

Just somebody to

help kind of that could be a little more grateful than Scott was.

No offense, I guess.

How many people are living in my walls right now?

That's not my job anymore.

That's OJ's job.

By the way, it doesn't sound like they're living.

By the way, are these people or are these rats?

What are people here?

Rat?

People?

I'm a person.

Have you?

Yeah, are these rats in my walls?

Give me this microphone.

You're not no person.

You a yellow-bellied coward.

All right, Tootie, come on.

You have a lot of pedophilic rats, I guess, living in your walls.

It sounds like you're just an exterminator, like a heavenly exterminator?

Whoa.

Yeah.

I actually, I am very grateful that you're killing all the rats in my walls.

So if you want to stick around.

I'm not.

But I would like to promote, Reika Shankar has a podcast called We Are Dead that is actually kind of pertaining to my whole thing, which is people in the afterlife doing a little talk show.

It's really fun.

It's out on YouTube and wherever we get you podcasts.

All right.

Fantastic.

And Kevin Tettulio.

How are you, Scotte?

I'm doing good.

I feel like we barely got to talk to you.

I'm losing the accent, but

I can't tell if it's culturally insensitive or

you're just a guy from.

I'm just a guy.

Anyway,

from the north, maybe the south.

Who the hell knows?

Anyway, I'd like to say, I want to plug something for Eddie Pepiton.

Oh, yeah, Kevin, are there any comedy specials out that you're excited about?

Yes.

Yes.

The collapse.

Oh, I love the collapse.

The collapse.

The collapse.

I love it.

I love this one.

It's such anxiety-ridden, yet absurd, cartoony, you know,

life-affirming, yet life.

uh destroying it has each instinct as freud said we have destructive instinct and creative and it's all in one special, the collapse.

And Eddie is touring as well.

He'll be at the Earl in Atlanta.

On August 1st, he'll be at Monteco in Durham.

August 2nd, then he goes to the Catskills.

Then he goes to

Washington, D.C.,

and then he goes to Potsdown, Pennsylvania.

So go to his website, Eddiepepton.com.

He's touring around, you know?

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

But if you don't want to do that, you can just watch the special, right?

It's the same stuff, right?

Oh, I hope not.

I hope not.

I mean, you're not an expert on Eddie.

I mean, you know all of his dates.

Yes, I know all of his dates because, you know, I love him.

But I think there's going to be a lot of differences.

Would you say you're the number one Eddie Pepitone fan?

Probably.

The Earl is such a good room, and I'm imagining Eddie Pepitone being down in Atlanta, Georgia at the height of August.

I am.

I mean, Kevin, Eddie is not looking forward to it.

It's a new wrinkle to your character.

You say dude.

Yeah, Sodi.

I guess he is from New York.

But yeah, I don't want to go to those places.

Well, you don't have to.

You're just a baker from New York City.

Oh, I mean, Eddie doesn't want to go

because of the weather, the climate breakdown, everybody washing away floods, hurricanes.

Well, you know what I'm asking our listeners?

If you're ready, go see Sweaty Eddie.

Yes.

Sweaty Eddie is, I mean, 2025 is the year Sweaty Eddie.

Sweaty Eddie.

Sweaty Eddie.

Sweaty Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie.

I don't know if he would like that moniker, but yes.

Yell it at him if you go see him.

I'll see him, yes.

Give me that microphone.

Yes, 2D.

While you're down there in Georgia watching Sweaty Eddie, you can come over to the Fulton County Stadium and watch me get my revenge on old Scotty Ox.

I'm not wrestling you, and I'm not going to get diarrhea.

We're going to be there.

And I smell doo-doo already because you're scared.

You're scared.

I am scared.

I mean, you're an old, infirm man, though.

I don't know.

Oh, I'm firm.

All right.

Anything else you want to plug?

Absolutely.

You can go over to, let's do a whole bunch of podcasts at patreon.com forward slash Hollywood Handbook.

So a lot of stuff.

I was just on that show.

You were just on that?

Yeah.

How did you like it?

I'm not a fan necessarily.

I thought I smelled doo-doo when I walked into the studio.

Or should I say the dudeo?

Because you had just left.

Doo-doo-doo-doo.

So what about these guys?

They make podcasts?

They make podcasts.

My favorite show is one called The Flagrant Ones, hosted by Hayes, Devin Point, Sean Clement and Called Tarte.

And just one question.

Do they ever drop the act?

I still don't know.

Okay.

But what I do know is that you can also catch me at the Baltimore Improv Festival.

Not me.

Called Tarte.

With the big team at the Baltimore Improv Festival on August 1st.

Oh, yeah.

Carl Tart.

The 2nd.

August 2nd.

One of those, but it's

coming up a little later in the week, either Friday or Saturday?

Saturday.

Saturday.

Saturday, Saturday, Saturday.

Saturday in the park.

Saturday in the park.

I think it was August 2nd.

August 2nd in Baltimore.

Yeah, but Carl Tart was the East.

You can go see Sweaty Eddie or Hot Scott.

Yeah.

You got to pick.

Absolutely.

Hot Scott.

Hot Scott.

I don't think I'm going to be there, but Carl, definitely.

I will be there.

He will be there.

Carl Tart was, he was just nominated for an Emmy, I believe.

Ah, that's pretty cool.

You can also

watch the show that he got nominated for, Saturday Night Live on Peacock.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

Did he write any of the sketches that are on any of the shows?

Absolutely, positively.

A whole bunch of them.

Fantastic.

Well, I want to plug, hey, head over to CBB.

I mentioned it before, CBB World.

You have all of these episodes, all the previous episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, all ad-free.

New episodes ad-free.

You also have CBB Presents episodes where people from Comedy Bang Bang host their own shows.

You have my show Scott Hasn't Seen, where my friend Sprague the Whisperer and I watch movies that I haven't seen before.

We're in the middle of Sprague hasn't seen month.

I believe

we just watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show for our special 199th episode live, and it was a good time.

So you can go hear that over there.

We also have College Town, the neighborhood listen, ad-free freedom, so much stuff over there.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

All right, that was close.

Well, there's more.

Okay, you fooled me.

Great job.

Scott, I can't believe you just do.

Wow.

I'll tell you why.

Thanks.

That was Alex Shattuck with Clothes Plugs.

Thanks so much, Alex.

And guys, I want to thank you so much, Patton.

Thanks for coming back.

You're a great friend of the show.

Thank you.

And Kevin Tuttulio, please don't make this your final appearance.

I would love for you to come back.

Oh, I would love to.

Come back when you open the bakery.

Yeah, and not until then.

So, about five years from now?

I don't know, really.

And mumps.

Oh, mumps.

Can you stick around and kill a few more rats on your way out?

What do you say?

I would love to, but Scott,

I don't know how much you're going to be here.

I just got a little debrief from OJ.

I got a little, he passed me a note.

OJ, what's going on?

I'm going to be in the walls.

Right here at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

Okay, well, I guess the ghost ghost of O.J.

Simpson living in my house, it's not the, I mean, it's, you know, it's at famous.

And as soon as you go to sleep, all you hear is,

take care, take care.

Okay, I wouldn't, I actually wouldn't mind that.

It's very soothing.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then, Tuti,

what?

I'm just thanking you for being on Tuty.

Give me that microphone.

Okay, there it is.

Now, let me tell you something, Scott.

Yes.

I'm going to be here.

And I'm not going to be in the walls.

I'm going to be right outside in the moat, wrestling alligators, wrestling crocodiles, wrestling snakes.

Whatever you got out there in that moat, it ain't gonna stop me.

Okay, I'm back in your life, Scott.

Welcome back.

Welcome back, Scott.

Okay, I mean, welcome back to you, I guess.

I'll throw some more stuff out there in the moat to keep you occupied.

Is that all right?

Sounds good to me.

All right.

Thank you.

And you know what?

Sounds good to me: we'll see you next week.

Thanks, everyone.

Bye.

Hey everybody, it's Paul Scheer, host of How Did This Get Made, a podcast that covers the best, worst movies.

This week, we're diving into the brand new War of the Worlds reboot starring Ice Cube.

Yes, the movie that got 2% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Ice Cube is saving the world from aliens via his computer.

It's so convoluted, this plot, but basically, if you have an Amazon account, you can save the day just like like Ice Cube.

There is so much going on in this movie, so join me, June, Diane, Rayfill, and Jason Manzukis, as we break down every bizarre choice and every Ice Cube one-liner on this week's episode of How Did This Get Made?

The podcast that makes sense of movies that don't.