Bonus Bang: Jack Quaid, Lily Sullivan, Carl Tart (I Love Lily)

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Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang out from behind the paywall.

And this week, we are releasing another episode in our series.

We're in the middle of this series called I Love Lily.

I Love Lily.

Now, this features the wonderful Lily Sullivan.

Shout out to Lily Sullivan and her merry band of characters.

And this is an episode called Love Bridge.

It was originally released as episode number 816 on June 11th, 2023, a little over two years ago.

It features Jack Quaid, Hollywood's good boy, as the A-block guest, Carl Tart as the crypt keeper, and, of course, Lily with her beloved character, Bridget Jones.

That's right, Bridget Jones from the diary movies.

Now in this episode, Bridget is angry about something and she's been working on something else.

I don't want to spoil it, but that's what's happening.

Now, if you want to hear other great episodes, because you're enjoying this one so much of Comedy Bang Bang, here's what you need to do.

You just become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com.

We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show that we've ever done, ad-free new episodes, add-free old episodes, original shows like CBB Presents.

Scott hasn't seen so much over there.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Come and see my

baby.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog.

What a prick.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Big Dirty Bob for that catchphrase submission.

Big Dirty Bob taking a break from rolling around in the mud and getting his catchphrase submissions out there.

Welcome to the show.

My name is Scott Auckerman.

We have a great show coming up a little later.

We have an author.

We also have a TV host.

We also have a famous musician.

Wow, this is is a packed show if you are into the arts.

And I wanted to say, by the way, I neglected to mention last week it is grads and dads season.

Moms and proms, get the fuck out of here.

Dads and grads.

But at the end of June, you know, I used to say at the end of June, get the fuck out of here.

But now that I'm a dad, I wish we were celebrated all year.

Oh, okay.

I'm going to compose myself because we need to get to our first guest.

He is

an award-winning actor, I'm assuming.

Not at all.

Nominated?

I think, yeah, yeah.

Like, must be for a Nickelodeon thing.

It's close.

Kids' Choice Award?

They'll give awards to Danny.

MTV

Music,

not music video.

MTV Movie Award.

Movie Award for Best TV Hero.

Best Villain.

Not to give spoilers for The Last Scream, but it was for Villain of the Last Scream.

It was for

Villain of the Last Scream movie.

So it went to you for the last one.

Yeah.

And then the one that came out afterwards, it goes to Dermot Mulrun.

Spoilers for the very last one.

Yes.

Are you, are you?

And I'll introduce you in a second.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you still in the Scream of Verse?

I mean, you were killed at the end of that one.

Like, but everyone who's killed comes back, right?

Like the Fast and the Furious of Earse.

Well, it was actually interesting.

I got to at the end of it.

Again, spoilers for the most recent.

Jack Quaid is here.

I'm here.

Hi.

This is me.

This is me, Jack Quaid.

I did this little thing at the end of that movie.

There's like a video of me

on a big projection screen.

It always fascinates me when the villains of these things have time to set up big projections screens.

Oh, yeah.

They always do.

And they always like, you know, it's like, oh, he's dead.

But then

you hear the big projector start up.

And it's like, it's like, how, I mean, these guys should just go around.

They should be AV guys like for celebrities.

Well, if you're a ghost face, that means that like your ghost goes into the face of a projector.

Oh, that's how this makes sense now.

Yeah, see, it all comes back around.

But like, I made this, uh,

well, I did, I made it when I was like 15.

It was like a Facebook video that I sent to my friend, and I gave it to the directors, and they just repurposed it for like a serial killer's.

Wait a minute, you made a video

pretending you were in Scream when you were 15?

No, no, no.

It was like a video.

I just made dumb movies as a kid.

Like, just dumb, dumb movies.

And this was a thing I probably like posted on my friend's wall back when Facebook was like not a thing used for sharing political beliefs.

Arguing with each other.

I'm just arguing with each other.

This was basically just, remember the time like back in Facebook where you were just like, hey, man, and you just said, you sent that.

And that just went to your friend's wall.

Not everybody saw it.

I guess they could if they went under the wall, but it's.

But why would you ever go on someone's wall?

Why would I?

I don't have a Facebook profile, so I don't know these things.

Man, I haven't used mine in forever, but I technically still have one.

I'm afraid that if I delete it, then my Instagram will also get deleted because I think they're linked.

I believe they're linked.

And I know that I got an Oculus

for Christmas about a year and a half, approximately one and one half years ago.

Okay.

Because the timing of that changes.

I really need you to be specific.

Christmas is a holiday traditionally celebrated on December the 25th.

Oh.

If that

gives you any sort of clue of when this was.

I mean, sort of.

But I got an Oculus and I turned it on and it said, by the way, in three months, to have this Oculus, to use it, you must have a Facebook account.

I said, I'm out.

Yeah.

Expensive gift to receive to just be like, well, I guess I can't use this.

That's such a strange thing.

Does it just shout political beliefs at you?

Exactly.

It doesn't.

It just argues with you about it.

Do you think we'll ever wear these big wonky headsets ever?

What?

The ones that Google just announced?

Yeah, or Apple just made these.

They keep trying to get us to wear these.

No.

No.

No, I don't want it to look like I'm going skiing all the time.

Just some of the time.

Just some of the time.

I want want like

going down a Black Diamond.

You know how some people have like a general surfer vibe, but they don't actually surf.

Some people have a general skiing vibe, but they don't actually ski.

That's me because, you know, ever since I moved back here to California, I surf in the morning and I ski at night.

And you can do both in the same day.

You can do both in the same day.

And it's not, it's a gust.

I go surfing in the morning at about

five to maybe 8 a.m.

Yeah.

And then a six-hour drive.

Six-hour drive to the night every single day.

Ski for about 45 minutes.

Drive back home for about five hours.

I love it.

I'm from here, and every time I hear that, like, you can go hiking and surfing in the same day.

Every time I hear that, I go,

it sounds like my worst nightmare.

What lunatic?

What lunatic does that?

Also, you got to stop to eat at some point.

There's a lot of calories you're going to be.

I don't even like to go hiking and nothing else during the same day.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, no.

I like to go hiking and then I just kind of pass out at the top.

I don't even come down sometimes.

Yeah, exactly.

Get airlifted down.

So you made this video.

I made this video

years later.

It was in a Scream movie.

And that was.

Was it you acting like a killer?

No, it was literally just me talking to the camera, like doing my best to be funny.

And I know I wasn't.

It was me being like, hey, guys, I talked in this weird, almost cartonman-esque.

Like affectation.

Yeah.

I was like, hey, guys, what's going on?

And I'm just like making like a dumbass like video to camera.

It's so embarrassing.

And now it's in a movie that was like, at one point, number one at the box office.

i love it so that's that's i love you and the worst part of the story is you gave it to them yeah they didn't steal it they asked for it and i was like yeah they asked me how did they know it was like do you have any home movies that we could kind of use as like uh you know richie your character making a fan film at the this is what i don't like i have all of them and this is why we're going on strike yeah this is why

because of my movie yeah because your movie because it's like they don't have the balls to write their own movie so they're like do you have any home movies that we can use and make our movie get the fuck out come on man.

And even back then, I was like, I better be getting paid for this.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I was like, I better be getting residuals on this Facebook video on my friend Dylan's wall.

What if you got a residual for it when you were that age and you were like, what is this for?

And then you found out years later, I'm going to be Ghost Face?

What is Ghost Face?

I'm going to be a ghost in the face of a projector?

That's insane.

Are you ever going to be in the Fast and Furious movies?

I would love to.

I would love to be in the Fast and Furious movies.

Here's what I wonder.

But you know, it's funny.

I did get a residual check for the Fast and Furious movies from the future.

From the future,

you're going to be in it.

Yeah.

They have these Transformers movies where they're all turning into cars.

Yeah.

What if Vin Diesel were to drive a Transformer?

I mean, I would love that.

Whoa.

I think he'd be crushed by the...

I mean, it must crunch up a human real bad.

Yeah.

If a Transformers.

That's the thing.

It looks like a car, but then a human gets inside and it goes

and just everyone is just decapitated.

Exactly.

Also, I was thinking about this the other day.

I have a legitimate Transformers question, like a lore question.

I don't believe I can answer it because I have maybe seen the first one.

Well, as of now, you're the only person in this room.

Okay, that's good.

Okay, I'm the perfect person.

You're very qualified.

So, the Transformers are aliens, theoretically, right?

They're like robot aliens from another planet.

Yeah, they're looking for the AllSpark, I think.

Yeah, they're looking for something about an All Spark.

Optimum Prime.

Optimum, etc.

Optimus Prius.

It's great.

Oh, that would be so funny if he were to turn into a Prius.

With that voice.

And he'd be like, hello, what do you think of my new bod?

This is my new dad bod.

The electric mode doesn't work so well on me.

It seems like it might work, but it won't work.

You know, the hum that they make when they drive-that's artificial so that people will not get run over by them.

As far as I'm concerned, it could be louder.

It could be because Priuses are always sneaking up on me, and I'm like, Yeah, yeah, this is a little sneaky Priuses.

Like, I think Priuses should be like,

That's funny because I think Priuses should be like, Hey,

I'm driving.

I'm driving now.

I'm driving.

Optimus Prius.

Wow.

Wow.

We just lost half of the audience, I think.

So, what's your question about that?

Oh, yeah, sorry.

So, like, on their planet, right?

So, they can either be a robot version of themselves or like a car version of themselves.

So, Bumblebee on his planet, is he just he can what does he identify as?

An attack helicopter?

Is that what you're trying to say?

Turn into a dodge charger on his alien planet.

How do they know what Dodge charges are?

Exactly.

It's like an American on planet Earth branded car that exists somewhere out in the cosmos.

I like to think no sense to it.

I like to think that they didn't know they could be Transformers until they got to Earth and they saw a car and they were like, man, I wish I could be one of those.

And suddenly.

Oh, and they're just like, and they're like, oh, my God, I can just be that car.

It's like puberty.

Like arriving to Earth is puberty for them.

Okay, so then can they transform into any car that they see?

Can they like scan?

the first car they see?

It's just the first car.

And if all during puberty, you just had sex with the first woman you saw, and that was it for the rest of your life.

And that was it.

That was that.

And for the rest of your life, you could only have sex with that woman.

I would prefer it.

That'd be great.

That would solve a lot of problems.

I really would.

That would be amazing.

No, but they all just happened to find like really cool cars first thing.

Yeah, although Earth is covered in cars.

Isn't Bumblebee a beetle?

He's a.

What the hell is he a B?

Because beetle starts with bee, yeah.

So that makes sense.

That makes sense.

Yeah, he's a beetle.

And the sound he makes when he transforms is hooker room.

Um, Jack, you uh, you're not only in the scream of verse, you uh, uh, last time you were here, you were here because not to promote the season premiere nor the season finale of the show, the whole thing.

I just wandered in, really.

You were, you were doing a mid-show check-in.

I was doing mid-season check-in.

Yes, it was a mid-show, mid-season check-in, and I think it went quite well.

I think everyone felt heard.

In that particular episode, the ratings were through the roof.

Oh, man.

Everyone's like, he's got our backs.

He's checking in.

And now you're back to promote a trailer.

Yeah.

I'm back to promote a trailer for a TV show that you're not in.

Yeah.

You're in one episode.

I'm in an episode of a television show.

And you're here to promote it.

I'm here to promote it.

So typically I'm here with Tawny Newsome.

She is not here with me today, but we are both in it.

We're in an animated Star Trek show called Startoon Cartoon.

Startoon Cartoon, yeah.

Star Trek Tiny Desk Comic.

Star Trek Tiny Desk.

And we play characters in that, and they let us.

You just pointed at your body for some reason.

I did.

Why was it?

And I play a character.

And I play a character.

I want you to know that when I'm talking about a character that I play, that my body is inhabiting that character.

I mean, these days with AI, it's like you want to make sure like that's why we're striking.

This is why we're striking.

It's human performance.

That's right.

I play a

character.

I know no no one can see me but just i like to i like to think that they can hear it in your emphasis oh yeah listen to the gesture yes uh so you you play you both play animated characters in this star trek show uh which leads me to wonder do they know they're animated i don't think they do do they ever see the person with the pencil and drawing them i think if they did it would uh uh destroy them mentally uh and i don't want that for them okay yeah but i think if we should do on that animated show, Scra Tune, Flartoon.

Yes.

We should do like an episode where they like meet their maker and it's just like the showrunner, Mike McMahon.

And he's just like, hey, guys.

Or Gene Roddenberry.

That would be great to get him back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Again, though, it's got to be a person.

It can't be AI.

This is why we're striving.

Oh, that's right.

It can't be.

We can't bring him back.

So you play an animated character and Tawny is the, she's not the captain of the ship because her mother's the captain.

She's an ensign.

We're both ensigns.

You're both ensigns.

We're both on the lower deck.

You play a guy named.

Who is who is this guy again?

I think every time I've been here, you've said the name of the character incorrectly.

What have I said before?

You've said, uh,

you said,

I think you said blimer.

I think you said slimer.

It sounds like

slimer?

Yeah, so my name is Onionhead Slimer.

Ensign.

Ensign Onion Head.

And yeah, just a lowly Ensign.

And somehow we're going to the

Captain Pike and Spock era of like 2260.

We're going back and we're going into live action.

Because

you're set in the in 22, was it 2380?

2380.

And then if Tanya was here, she'd be like, she knows all this kind of stuff.

But because

the current Star Trek shows that are on, no, that's all different.

They're all different timelines.

Anyway, but you're in the future.

You go back in time.

Well, I don't even want to say you can't talk about it.

You don't know.

It could be Holodeck, could be dimension.

But I've seen you in this trailer.

You're in approximately three little bits of it.

Three seconds of it.

Yeah.

Three seconds of it, and you're here to promote it.

I'm here to promote the trailer.

It's a great trailer.

It's been on YouTube for quite a bit.

How many views are you going to do?

Check out the trailer.

Oh, man.

Do we want to look up?

Do we want to look it up?

Check it out.

Let's check it out.

Let's look it up.

Star Trek Strange New World Season 2

Trailer.

How are we doing, Scott?

How are we doing?

Okay,

let's see.

Oh, man, we're just playing the trailer.

Yeah.

It's amazing.

I made it.

Oh, uh, no.

Oh, 4.4 million.

Oh, shit.

That's way more than I thought it was going to be.

It's not bad.

Okay.

You're at the end.

Let me skip to the end.

Oh, God.

Do I have to hear myself?

Yeah, here we go.

Oh, here we go.

Live long and prosper, Mr.

Boyntler.

You also live and

you also live and.

See, that was me and this is me.

in my

I get this human body.

I understand.

You got a gesture.

So Tani was saying that

you that that's you.

You're in the energizer room and you did a bunch of takes, right?

And that was yeah, there was there was one take where I said

he says live long and prosper, Mr.

Boimler.

And I said live.

Yeah, you live live all the time.

And

that was actually my favorite.

I wish I kept that one in.

But I'm very happy that Tawny is spreading the word.

You might have looked into the camera on that.

I think I might have, just to completely screw myself.

I might have.

Have you ever done that?

Has anyone earlier?

Because you've been an actor.

You were goofing around with your friends when you were in high school, but then you became an actor pretty young.

Did anyone ever take you aside and say, Jack, you're looking into the camera all the time?

I'm sure they wanted to, because I'm pretty sure I got like scared of the camera.

This is real.

Like in the very beginning of my career, I would like look anywhere but the camera but you have to be looking slightly towards it or else no one knows you're in the you might get hit with the thing you might get hit with it it's scary it's big it's heavy um but it might be a monster it might be

and here's the thing i've never really checked if it is a monster or not that's right we're not allowed to touch them so they could be living sentient monsters they could be living sentient monsters that steal your soul if you looked into them they talk about they're like union rules you can't touch the camera i bet they're alive i bet they're alive i bet they're alive i bet if you opened them up you'd see some guts you see some guts.

You see some.

Man, I'd love to be all up in those guts.

Yeah, I'd love to be all up in them guts.

I mean, that's what every film student says.

I want to be up in them camera guts.

So this is, when it, I mean, what's going on with this?

What's going on?

What's going on with the show?

I mean, when is it?

What's happening?

What can you tell us?

Oh, man.

With the with the trailer?

Yeah.

The show is on, I think, this week or something.

I think it premieres really soon.

I know that we're not the first episode.

I think we're one of the last so okay i'm trying not to spoil most things but but this is very exciting because we love your other show it's very fun and uh this is our first uh

uh opportunity i guess uh to see you in live action form yeah as these characters do you ever think like because the original star trek uh was a cartoon and it was live action

It started as live action, then it became a cartoon.

Yes, he did have the animated series.

Sorry, I thought you were like, it was a Roger rabbit blend we all know this

mccoy was

cgi you we all remember spock's famous line damn tunes

but um did you ever think that uh you know okay we'll we'll do the cartoon for a little while but then we get to do the live action version i honestly never thought this would be a possibility and uh that was such an interesting challenge to be a live action cartoon um because you have like purple hair in the yeah in the regular one right in the show in the animated show I have purple hair, and I have a purple, I'm wearing a purple wig in the live action.

Yeah, it's it's like subtle, it's like a darker purple because we didn't want it to, it looks kind of we had a lighter purple wig, but it just looked like I was an anime character come to life, and it didn't really quite work.

We're always not that about you, yeah, yeah.

I'm an anime character come to life, I'm always going, huh?

I'm always doing that.

Um, that's really

that's the sound my Tesla makes when it boots up.

Uh,

but um, no, it was crazy.

The weirdest part though was when I didn't have the wig on and so my eyebrows, they had to kind of color purple every day.

And the weirdest thing was

yeah, yes, that is a film and a play.

Is it a play as well?

It was a play and now it's going to be a film adaptation of that play.

Yet again.

Coming this Christmas.

Fantastic.

But the weirdest part was like...

Starring Fantasia Barino.

You know a lot about this upcoming color of purple.

Looking forward to it.

I'm looking forward to it too.

That's amazing.

No, just having like purple eyebrows with my normal hair, I just looked like got I looked like goth me.

And it was just, I wasn't used to seeing, I don't feel like I give up a, give off a goth.

Do you think

if they knew that you were going to do this live action episode, would they have reconsidered the whole purple part of it and just had it look just like you?

Because Tani looks kind of very similar to herself,

her animated character.

Yeah, but she doesn't wear rolled-up sleeves a lot in real life.

So they were like, oh, that's a big difference.

Yeah, that's a huge difference.

That was huge.

That was like a big change for her.

She felt a little weird about it.

So, really, so filming the live-action one, she had exposed forearms.

I mean, it was like it was hours in that makeup chair just getting those sleeves to roll up.

It was insane.

In the makeup chair, in the makeup chair.

Were they trying to paint over them?

It was just well, that's actually such a color part of her skin that she had to painstakingly roll up every day.

Because she's a transformer.

She's a transformer.

She's like Mystique, like where she's wearing clothes, but it's all just skin.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I'm talking about.

Yeah.

It's a skin clothes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, this is exciting.

The trailer's out now.

4.4 million views.

Let's make it 4.41.

Yeah.

Let's get it by the CDB bumps, baby.

Let's do it.

Looking forward to this.

We need to go to our next guest.

Jack Quaid is with us.

She is an author.

She's been on the show before.

Please welcome back to the show, Bridget Jones.

What's up?

Hey.

How you doing?

Hello.

Hey, so good to meet you.

Great to meet you.

Big fan.

Jack Quaid.

Thank you, yes.

Bridget Jones.

We're both mad famous yeah you're a man i don't know if i'm as famous as you you're pretty damn famous i'm pretty famous yeah i'm like mad well known so yeah yeah you're already mad well known you're known for your uh you're a diarist you're yeah you have famous are you famous or are your diaries famous i'm not quite sure yes because the the movie title is Bridget Jones.

And I'm like, oh, I'm going to get to, and then it's Bridget Jones's diary.

And I'm like, what?

I'm going to watch a movie about a book?

Yeah, you are.

And it's going to be mad good.

The camera's just like focused on a book that doesn't move for two hours it's like what's going on okay yeah well actually my story is pretty apt to the hollywood all the stuff happening in hollywood right now oh yeah how so well basically they they took me diary these hollywood execs and they made the movie with was el wiggers renee and hug grunk and colin fart

and

And they made mad monies and they left me with fucking nothing.

So so now

20 something years later i'm trying to get me my new diary into into be made into a movie that perfectly encapsulates your previous appearances yeah okay

good

i know

a lot of people come back on the show and they don't remember uh you know they just barrel right through and we don't we don't remind people enough of what they're doing here so yes you you were taken advantage of by the hollywood system you're now writing new diaries trying to new entries every day.

That's right.

How many entries per diary is it?

How many?

Oh, two, three.

Just two or three.

Okay.

I go through them so good.

That's like a...

So, wait, are you telling me that because a diary is like a lot of pages?

Are you saying that you only go through

what is one entry?

Like, how many pages is one entry?

One, you know, is paragraph, something like that.

Okay, so you filled up like probably max three pages, three pages with three throw paragraphs.

And then I keep it in a little box, in a little tiny cupboard.

Why not write into the other 180 or so pages?

Don't worry about it.

I have my own system.

This is how I keep it.

This is like a filing system.

Okay.

Because I can only imagine that new diary smell.

Oh, the new diary smell.

Oh, it smells so good.

It just must give you inspiration to keep going.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

It just flows out to me, really.

Like, every day I'm just pouring those morning pages.

Did you read the artist's way?

The artist's way?

No, I have.

No, no, I have not.

My girlfriend's currently reading it, and I've gotten some of your current girlfriend.

My current girlfriend is currently

reading good for her, yeah.

So, currently, she's reading right now as we speak.

She keeps texting me, still reading.

That is awesome.

People don't read enough these days.

Everybody watches a telly, watches a you know, Netflix.

By the way, the comedy bang bang book in stores now.

Uh, and you, uh, uh, uh, what about the artist's way?

They s talk about morning pages.

Every day you write the morning pages,

three pages, it says, get it all out.

Get all that insecurities out of your body.

Then you're mad ready to create.

Okay.

I tried the morning pages for like a second, and I realized that I was doing it on my notes app.

And they were just apologies, but there's nothing the day before.

Yeah, it's just, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I was so awkward.

I was so awkward to me.

Are you mad at me?

I'm not.

Oh, sorry.

That seems so honest.

I was like, I'm not mad at you.

I swear to God.

No, but there's no page.

There's no line that separates the pages.

So I was just like, I was going forever.

That's the problem that the old Egyptians had with the scrolls.

They were just like, keep going and going and going.

Like, where does this ending?

When does this end?

So long-winded.

Yeah.

But this is not a problem for Bridget Jones.

You have new diaries.

And in your previous appearances, you have read some of the diary entries.

Are you here to do that again?

Yeah, I'm trying to get the word out.

You know, I'm here in L.A.

temporarily, going to the writer's strike, hanging out, making connections.

It seems like everyone's doing it.

It seems like a lot of the actors and people going to these strikes is very performative.

I've met mad people.

Mad connections.

It's like they know Bob Odenkirk is going to be out there.

I saw him, yeah.

Who else did I see?

I saw

Lauren Lapkus.

I saw

Vic.

I saw Susie Barrett.

You're just looking at names on the table.

I saw Casey Faye.

Okay.

I saw Betsy Sedaro.

Oh, I saw mad people there making mad friends.

Oh, man.

But obviously, I need to pay the bills, so I've been working odd jobs in between two, you know, in Britain, here, in Los Angeles.

Two places.

What have you, what are the odd jobs you've been working?

How odd?

So odd.

Well, I worked for Long Island for a bit.

Oh, wow.

Where are you?

Obviously, not a contestant, but what.

Obviously.

What are you talking about?

Just aesthetically, honey.

What are you talking about right now?

It seems like every time women on you, you make them mad, ugly

and small ugly just certain women

yeah you always

learned as a man never say you're obviously not a contestant does he have a comment on your appearance when you are

but off mic off my

tried to nag him before he gets on the show really take him as i was parking he texted me your outfit fucking sucks you are wearing a pink i'm wearing a very bright obnoxious pink it's a barbie

it's barbie pink but it's for the band gorillas Yeah, exactly.

It's Barbie pink.

Wow.

I like it.

I didn't know they were Barbies.

That's awesome.

You didn't know there were Barbies?

No, I didn't know Gorillas was Barbies.

I mean, it might as well be.

Is it, Jack?

Is it because you're on a cartoon, you only like things that are cartoons?

Because Gorillas are the only band that are cartoons.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the deal you make when you sign the contract.

You can only like animated things.

So are you going to,

oh, yeah, you're on Love Island?

What are you doing?

Well, I am changing the sheets.

You're changing the sheets.

Oh, no.

The sheets sheets get so dirty on the show.

They get fucking filthy.

What's the most traditional cause of the filthy sheets?

Come.

I didn't want to guess, but yeah.

Crunchy sheets.

Madhard.

But also, you know, like Drew.

Jew?

What?

Wait, I'm sorry.

Druel.

What did you say?

Druel.

Drewel.

Druel.

Drool.

Oh, Druel.

Okay, got it, got it.

Okay, I think I said Jew.

I thought you said Jews.

I did not know why.

You're trying to get me cancels.

I mean, I did come here to get you cancels.

Typical of a man like both of you.

Yeah, that is true.

I work for Big Ben.

Big for Big Ben.

It's a clock.

Big tiny man in the clock.

Oh, wow.

I was just in the UK.

I didn't realize that there was a tiny man in that clock.

Oh, is that he's Big Ben?

Big Ben is a tiny guy in the clock.

Oh, it's an ironic name.

Yes.

Oh, what is he doing there?

He winds it up and he lets it go.

Is it like lost where it's every, what is it, 49 minutes or something?

Yeah, something like that.

Did you read that?

Did you read that article about him recently?

About lost?

Yeah.

Oh, how it was like a terrible set to work on.

I haven't been reading.

I've been reading.

You've been right.

Yes.

When you're a writer, you can't read.

Do you ever read what you've just written?

Like, or do you avoid that?

No, I didn't even know.

Like, I brought entries today.

I haven't even read them since I, you know, it just flows out do we want to get to these diaries yeah I got them

let's pull them up yeah let me open my diary

oh these pages so many so many pages so many

pages

okay ready I would love to see you in the sequel to Twister.

Have you auditioned for that yet?

I auditioned to be the tornado.

Yeah.

How'd it go?

It didn't go great.

I went with a weird noise.

Oh, which noise?

It was.

I know.

It was a golden choice.

It sounds like the Prius backing up.

Yeah, it was just like the Prius.

Everyone's going to come in there and go, whoo.

I know.

I want to do it.

Do you need an OG take?

Yeah, yeah.

What would yours be?

What would your take on the tornado be?

Whoo!

Ooh, I like that.

That's like a tappy tornado.

I like that.

What about you?

Why do we read these things?

But you don't want me to keep talking, do you?

Okay.

I guess I'll be reading.

I was trying to fill up time

and then you turned it into a segment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here we go.

Okay, De Dara.

That's me, Budget Jones.

It was a typical English morning.

Woke up to the sounds of rats screaming.

Got myself a new job at the local swimmy holy.

Wore myself a tiny kiny and showed off me cleavy beevie.

When all of a sudden, a kid be choking on Robert like a little fucking bitch.

He was dying on me, just like Princess Diana.

Then eh at me.

Clearly, this kid was obsessed with me and wanted to plug me poopy puggy.

But then again, he wouldn't love Bridge.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, it's uh so you saved someone's life or because we never got to that part of it.

You just were observing the person made some assumptions about them.

Well, somebody else was there giving him Heimlich or whatever,

saving his life and all that but in the meantime i'm like wow he's really trying to get me attention yeah oh wow mr heimlich and his famous maneuvers the sign-off was very uh was very nice for you know it was great i like it it's just like it's a it's a pretty harrowing story and then like you know love love bridge yeah love bridge yeah love bridge like to the point like i'm not trying to dance around it you know and you're saying that was just a paragraph that was yeah that was just if you could believe it it felt like 20 pages no i mean i thought you you were wasting moleskins earlier, but this is good.

This is good.

No, those are mad expensive.

You'd never waste.

Do you have a second entry that you can?

Yeah, you want me to keep going?

Yeah, I'd love for you to keep going.

Wow.

For approximately one more until we take a break.

I love being positive with you.

Yeah.

Okay.

I love it.

Did I?

It's me.

COVID positive.

Bidget Jones.

It was a difficult English morning.

Woke up to the sounds of pigs fucking.

Got meself a new job at the local pub.

wiping up spilly drinkies with me proppy titties.

When all of a sudden, a man be having a heart attack like a little fucking asshole.

He was dying on me, just like the queen did when she died.

Then

at me.

Clearly, this man was obsessed with me and wanted to peeky me blinders and dunk me chunky dunk.

Then the can who wouldn't love veg.

Very, very similar.

What do you mean similar structure?

It's almost like a plug-in the gaps kind of I have a question.

Yeah.

What is what does uh et me mean?

Then eh eh me.

It hit me, I believe.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

It's the uh the dialect.

You're from uh from England.

Oh, right, yes.

Oh, yeah.

Well,

these are great.

Uh, uh, these are fascinating.

I don't know.

I mean, two distinct scenes in a movie.

I mean, I bet you would love to play a character like that.

Who would you love to play?

The fucking bitch that died or the little kid that almost died.

Oh, man.

Can I still pull off little characters?

You could still do it.

Yeah,

you still look good.

I feel like the little kid spoke more to me.

I don't know why.

I was like, oh, okay.

Yeah.

I could inhabit that gesture.

Character.

Yeah, I think that's good.

You know, we could do something too where everyone else in the cast wears like

platform shoes.

Yeah,

like a Clifford situation.

Yeah, they look mad tall around you.

Yeah, it could could be set in the 70s, so everyone's like, oh, the platform shoes.

My god, then I can have my sideburns.

I've got to do the stuff.

Have you ever seen a Shakespeare play set in the 70s?

Oh, man, I would love that.

Which one would

fit best in the 70s?

Measure for measure, absolutely.

I bet I know someone who was in there.

I bet I do too.

Tony, they do so much blow and measure for measure.

Oh, yeah.

The nuns.

The nuns love blow.

They love blow.

Bridget, I want to hear more from this, but we need to take a break.

We're coming at the edge of a break.

So do you have, you have some more.

I'm showing you more, yeah.

Okay, great.

We're going to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have more with Jack Quaid.

We're going to have more with Bridget Jones.

We also have a TV host and a famous musician.

This is a packed show.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.

Jack Quaid

in

three seconds of a trailer from Star Trek Strange New Worlds,

which is out this week,

except his episode is not.

My episode is not.

The show is out.

Yeah.

I think my episode's like one of the last ones.

So this is like an early.

So you're suggesting people do not watch yet.

I say just don't watch it.

Just don't watch it.

You've already basically heard me talk about it.

We did.

The trailer's got 4.4 million views.

Soon to be a 4.5.

Do you think 4.4 million people watch the episodes?

Isn't that weird when

the trailers get so many views?

So many views.

13 people watching them.

You keep watching them.

You keep watching and watching those trailers.

But the show, I don't know, just having an episode on a loop.

Well, shows are too long.

You know what I mean?

Like, shows should be trailers and trailers should be

TikToks and TikToks shouldn't exist.

Yeah, honestly, if you just made the trailer like two hours long, I'm sure sure 4.4 million people will still watch that.

Just call it a trailer.

No,

make the trailer two hours long, make the show three minutes long.

4.4 million people will watch the show and then no one will watch the trailer.

That's fine.

We saw more than we did.

We saw Halloween.

All right.

Well, I guess we'll call off the strike then.

Do we have the power to do that?

I think we do.

I think we anyone

agree.

Two people who are

like a war game situation.

We both have a key and we turn it.

All we have to say is, hey, we're in the industry.

Break out your key, man.

Let's end this thing.

Speaking of the industry, we also have Bridget Jones, who's please don't call off the strike.

Please, I've been meeting mad people.

Okay.

I've been meeting.

Who else have you been here?

Carl Tart, Paula Tompkins.

Who else?

Jennifer Friedman.

I've been meeting everyone's blowing up me phone right now.

Will Hines, be texting me.

Wow.

Incredible stars.

Wow.

You have more entries in your diary.

We have to take a break, but

I promised that we were going to read some more.

Did you really want to?

I really did.

Yeah.

Oh, I definitely want to.

Yeah, one more.

I could give you one more right now.

All right.

Okay.

De Laura.

It's me, Bridget Jones, from British Jones's Diarrhoea.

It was a typical English morning.

Woke up to the sounds of orphans dying.

Got myself a new job at Buckingham Palace, waking up King Charles for brekkie, dry toast, and a side of stinky dick.

When all of a sudden, Chuck began to choke on his stinky dick like a little fucking idiot.

He was dying on me, just like JK Rowling should have died after she wrote her in butter

and hit me.

Clearly, this man was obsessed with me and wanted to whip me creepy binkies.

Then again, it wouldn't affect.

Sometimes when I listen to these, Bridge, I worry that you're instead of diaries, you're buying Mad Libs.

The same book of Mad Libs, and you're just feeling.

Honestly, I'd buy it.

I'd buy that book of Mad Libs.

Do the entries sound the same?

Structurally, they sound the same.

They sound a similar structure, yeah.

Do they?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I mean, then again, TV shows do.

If you ever watch Family Matters, which I don't believe I have.

I was thinking about Family Matters every single time that I heard those.

These are the Family Matters of Diary.

Same tone.

Same exact tone.

You know how that cop from Die Hard?

He was the dad on that, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he would always whip out his flippy Disbey Dunkies.

His

stunky donkeys.

Classic catchphrase.

Well, these are great, Bridget.

I hope that you

can make them into a movie.

Yeah.

I mean, King Charles, boy.

Would you think he'd star in a movie?

I mean, look, he's famous.

Like,

he's dead.

What?

He's dead?

He died.

When?

We joked on his dick.

Michael.

Someone called Byron Dennison.

They have a body double working.

What?

Yeah.

I got to talk to Byron about this.

This is the second week in a row that we talked about stuff that Byron Dennison would have an opinion on.

I was in the UK for the coronation.

You're telling me that whole time

that guy was a body double.

Yeah.

Buddy Double.

It was Adam Driver.

That was Adam.

Wow.

Adam Driver.

He's so good.

He's so good.

He can do anything.

Did you see Marriage Story?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Loved it.

Yeah.

Man, he's good.

Need I say more?

Did he play the Scarlett Johansson part two?

He did.

Yeah.

Oh, he's so good.

And he played the kid.

Whoa.

Oh, so I can do it.

I can pull it off.

And he played the wall that he slaps.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I was about to say the wall was great in that movie.

The wall was unforgettable.

Unsung hero of that film, The Wall.

Wow.

The slapping wall.

Better than the movie, The Wall.

I don't know.

than the wall that Trump built?

Okay, I didn't realize that you were.

I love that wall.

Better than...

I didn't realize you were in English.

Pro-Wall.

Better than Rodriguez.

The Pink Floyd wall?

Better than that wall?

Oh, I don't know that wall.

Oh, really?

As a British, you don't know that?

That went from the movie, The Wall.

Oh, okay.

Understood.

Same wall?

Same wall.

You're right.

I mean, the movie at the end of the day.

I thought you were escalating.

Yeah, I thought it was escalating.

It turns out we're right exactly in the place.

Well, speaking of escalating, we need to get to our next guest.

Oh, man.

He is

a TV host.

We've all seen him on our TV screens over the years.

What else needs to be said about him?

It's his first time on the show.

This is exciting.

We've had Conan O'Brien, who's a TV host on the show before.

He's a host.

He's a TV show, but this is one of the best.

Please welcome The Crypt Keeper.

Hello, boys and ghouls.

Hi, Crip Keeper.

Hi, Scare Talkerman.

Bridget Bones.

Sue,

Hack Slade.

I love it.

I love it.

You got two of them.

I got two.

Both of mine.

Wow, incredible.

Cryptkeeper, I'm a big, big fan.

You are, of course, the host of

Tales from the Crib.

Tales from the Crib.

And who better?

to tell us these tales than the actual Cripkeeper himself.

That's right.

Don't mind me.

I was was just having dinner.

Oh, okay.

Wait, can I ask what you're doing?

Hold on a second.

You were having dinner.

Were you just over there having dinner the whole time?

Yes.

Okay.

Is that what I was spelling?

I've been here since the beginning.

Oh, okay.

But I've been having dinner.

We were minding you.

Wrapped up.

Oh.

You what?

He's also eating a wrap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wrapped like a mummy.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So you don't make

it.

I'm picking up what you put in down crypto.

You don't only make puns about ghoulish things and killings and stuff.

You also make puns about your food.

Yes.

Okay.

I make puns about everything.

Oh.

Well, it's great.

It's so great to meet you.

I mean, I'm a great big fan.

Meet you too.

Oh, I know.

I had steak.

Wait, was a steak wrapped?

Yeah.

Like a fahita.

Or just a full-blown steak wrapped in a tahita.

It was a vagina.

Yes.

A steak wrap could also be called a vagina.

So that's what they call them in the UK, right, Bridget?

That's right.

Yeah, we forget about these things.

Yeah.

Vaginas.

Because the C word, which is terrible here, you guys can tell me.

Tell me.

I've never heard it before.

I don't like to say it to a woman.

Please, please.

All right, cunt.

Oh, my God.

No, no, the C word is contestant on Love Island.

Yes, Yes, that's right.

Oh, yeah.

Those are mad cunts.

I'm a huge, huge fan, Cryptkeeper.

You hosted that show for so many years.

You also just give information in that voice, which I love.

Yes, Scott.

A little bit about me.

Oh.

You want to know more?

I want to know more.

Yeah, tell us, I mean, how did you get the job?

Were you in a crypt?

Or did you, or were you just a normal actor who auditioned?

I was a normal actor who auditioned, but on the way to the audition, I died.

Oh, that must happen all the time.

I was rushing.

Oh, you see, it was the 90s.

I had to get my sides from a printing company.

I remember those days.

Were you looking in the Thomas Guide of where to go to?

I had a big map in front of my windshield.

Yes, I remember the crash.

I was crashed off of the 110 free.

Oh, terrible.

This must happen like every audition for every part.

At least one actor dies on the way there, I would imagine.

I mean, that used to happen all the time, I assume.

Yeah, that's why I don't go to auditions anymore.

I'm offer-only because I don't like them odds.

How many offers you got lately?

Zero.

Well, now all auditions are self-tapes.

Yes, that's right.

They be filming in their houses, getting in fights with loved ones.

Exactly.

They're stacking their camera on shoe shoe boxes

how many couples have divorced because of self-tapes it has to be at least 50 of all marriages

50 50 of all marriages end in sweatpants okay whitney

it's a whitney cummings joke i gotta say you can make anything sound creepy i mean a self-tape is is now terrifying but it also sounds sexy yeah yeah it sounds horny

i sound like samantha from sex in the city i'm turned on and terrified every time you speak it's wonderful.

Samantha from Sex in the City.

Kim Cattral.

Say, say, I love fun.

She was in Mannekin.

She was in Police Academy.

Didn't see that.

I thought you said Bennegans.

The rest of her.

We've all been in Bennigan at one time.

I love Bennigan.

You think Kim Cattral's ever been in a Bennegan?

She has to have been in a Bennegan.

At least he used a toilet.

At least.

To let out her poops and peas.

You say things like they're puns, but now you're not doing any puns.

You started so hot at the beginning, and now you've

prompt me.

Well, look, you auditioned.

So you came back to life or no, you didn't come back to life.

You were dead, but you got to the audition.

Yes.

I was late.

And were the puns.

You were late because you died.

Yeah.

Okay.

Were the puns your idea?

Were they?

It's just how I talked, Scott.

Sort of the first two minutes.

Did you talk this way before you died?

Yes.

Oh, okay.

I talked exactly like this.

So were you kind of into spooky things and being creepy?

Absolutely not.

Oh, okay.

So your interests changed after you died.

Were you a sports guy?

I was a wager.

You're a waiter.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, where?

At famous Hollywood restaurant.

The Brown Derby.

The Brown Derby, where they would do all the cartoons of everyone and everything?

Sure.

Did you ever have a cartoon made of you?

Yes.

I always can see things in animated cartoons.

I love cartoons.

I'm a little cartoon boy.

Was it hard to get reservation?

Absolutely.

Especially when I was working there.

Why?

Usually the waiters have no control over that.

I was bad at answering the phone.

Oh.

I was the matrix.

Oh, so you were a matrix and a waiter?

Yeah.

You were busy.

Yes, two shifts.

Okay, that's why you're born.

Oh, double shifts every day?

Yeah.

Well, if you do them simultaneously, you get paid twice, but you take up the exact same eight hours.

Exactly.

Now, where are you from originally?

Me?

Yeah.

Who do you think we're talking to, Gripkeeper?

Like, where does this voice come from?

Columbus, Ohio.

Oh, okay.

You also said, like, Prince, when he's doing a character, you know, like in the bridge of some of the songs, he's like doing a Morris Day kind of thing.

Prince is also dead.

That's right.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

God, I would, I wish he were auditioning for things.

This is why we're striking.

It would be weird if we're not.

We don't want AI prints.

We want dead prints to act in shows like CSI.

Now, do you know how you came back from the dead?

Yeah.

You also sound like Jackay.

From 227?

Mary.

Jackay from 22 Heaven.

okay yeah

where dead people go

it's kind of creepy is heaven spooky i guess i mean it is it's it's filled with dead people so yeah it's probably as spooky as how yeah it is spooky up there yes it is did you go to heaven did you go to hell but they kicked me out oh no why because i asked to be released for my audition

oh yeah so it's like constantly asking your manager at the waiting job to booked the part

is that a bible was Yeah, what was that one?

I've been following every single one somehow, and that one was.

I think the book, the good, the good book is the Bible, the Bible has to decide.

Those aren't good puns when it's the listener has to decide.

Prompt me.

I don't know how to prompt you.

Okay, you're on a boat, and there's a tidal wave coming for the boat.

Go.

Ooh, a tidal wave.

Why did you say prompt me when you can't do it?

It was nothing.

You're a quick finish.

You're a quick finish.

You didn't let me finish.

We should let you finish.

Okay.

Ooh.

Added new.

Ooh, a tidal wave.

Looks like this boat will be capsizing.

That's exactly what...

That's not a pun.

Okay.

Okay.

You didn't let me finish.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

Please start over from the beginning, though.

And please say you're finished when you're finished.

It's like saying over on a walkie-talkie.

Thank you.

Back at the beginning.

It's like he hurt himself.

Tide away.

Looks like we'll be capsizing.

There's got to be a morning after

Poseidon.

I'm not interrupting you.

He hasn't said he's finished.

I haven't.

But side note, have you ever seen Poseidon Adventures?

Is that the animated spin-off of Poseidon?

The Poseidon Adventure?

Yeah, it's like the gremlins, the Legend of the Maquis.

Yes, you're a cartoon boy.

I'm a cartoon boy.

Cartoon boy.

Are you done?

Because I haven't heard his pun yet.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'd love to hear you repeat it again.

You have to start it from the beginning.

We keep interrupting you.

I'm sorry.

Ooh.

A tidal wave.

Looks like we'll be capsizing.

There's got to be a morning after

Poseidon.

Or like Podidon.

Okay.

There we go.

Yay!

That was much good writing.

He said he's done.

Oh, sorry.

I did.

Oh, you did tell So you're done.

Okay.

See, I thought the part about have you seen the Poseidon Adventures was part of it.

No, I said side note.

That was a side note.

Oh, side note.

Okay.

You did click.

Poseidon note.

That's what I was thinking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Doesn't work.

I don't hear it.

Okay.

You didn't realize you were so snooty about the quality of the video.

He's right.

He's the expert.

Wow, worth the wait.

Big time.

Really good.

Really good.

Really good.

Would you ever consider reading one of her diary entries with your amazing voice?

Absolutely.

I mean, I think I'd love to, not to take anything away from your diary entries.

Have I?

I could even punish up.

Okay, so if you see an opportunity for a pun.

So the way that I write, it's like Mad Libs, yeah.

Yeah.

Let's see.

Dear die are

starting off hot.

I love it.

It's me, Bridget Bohm.

It was a typical English morning.

Every morning because people are dead with the U, with the U.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Woke up to the sound of rats screaming.

Nothing changes.

Yeah, nothing just fine as is.

Stet.

Got myself a new job at the local swimmy holy.

Holy.

Holy.

Holy.

Holy.

But it's weird when you play with religion.

Yeah.

I mean, I realize that religious imagery is

going with like exorcism when I say when I hear like anything

else.

Wore meself a tiny key to show off my cleavy bv

nothing changes

I get it when all of a sudden a kid be choking on wawa like a little fucking bitch

now you're just reading the you see okay he was dying

okay

you're just emphasizing words that already exist here's my issue cripkeeper you start so hot with two out of the gate just like princess die, Anna.

But I literally gave it to you.

Right.

Yeah.

Hit me.

You're just reading.

Just general violence.

There's no con with it.

Just general violence.

Pointing at himself, like, hit me.

Clearly, the kid was obsessed with me and wanted to plug my poopy puggy.

You're just reading the thing.

But then again,

who

wouldn't?

Okay.

Then you emphasized a word that didn't didn't even have any kind of connotation.

Like, would.

If you were to hit somebody with a two-button.

If you were to hit.

How many people have hit someone with a two-by-four?

Well, that's a good pun.

I give it up for that one.

So it's gone from spookiness to just kind of general violence.

What?

Still spooky.

Yeah, okay.

I guess it's spooky.

There we go.

Yeah, now we're panting.

That is spooky.

I got the goosebumps.

Have you, I have to add, I mean, you were so good on this show.

Have you ever auditioned for any other part?

Like, I know they're looking for Superman now.

Uh, you know, I was in

Superman.

The D, I auditioned for Dean

Dean's part, Dean

Kane, Dean Kane,

the Lois and Clark show, Lois and Clark,

which is a pun of Lewis and Clark.

Yes, whoa,

I never thought about it that way.

I don't think it is.

Um, so, uh, which is a pun of William and Mary,

Mary from 227.

Which is a pun from

Mary and

what is it?

That band?

Joseph.

What?

The three people.

Mary.

People.

Yeah, they're an American band.

You can be excused for not knowing exactly.

Yeah, thank you.

Yeah.

My brain died.

Yeah.

Which is the pun on.

Your brain died.

It died itself.

Different colors.

Which is the pun on Roger Waters, The Wall.

That's right.

Yes.

So

you haven't.

I was laid on Save by the Bell, the new class.

Oh, who were you?

I was a hotel concierge.

Because Screech is no longer with us, unfortunately.

A hotelier.

A hotel concierge.

Okay, he's back.

He's back.

Wow.

Well, look, Cripkeeper, we love you.

I don't think we learned anything about you other than how you auditioned.

Just a little bit about me.

Oh, okay.

When I left Columbus,

I got accepted to the Ohio State University,

but I chose to go to the University of Michigan.

Oh, great theater program there.

That is

spooky.

That's pretty, that's pretty spooky.

Well, all of that training paid off.

I mean, obviously, because you're one of our great hosts.

We love you.

I assume you had writers on the show.

This is why we're striking all.

How many takes would they have to do?

Because you usually start very, very strong and then run after.

They roll.

They just roll.

They roll.

They did it in a sequence.

It's a lot of unbroken takes, too.

That's pretty impressive.

Maybe you need the camera on him, you know?

Yeah, yeah.

Too scary.

All right, we need to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have.

This is exciting.

Jack, I know you have to leave, right?

Yeah, I got to go.

I got to go take a massive shit.

Oh, okay, cool.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, when we come back, we're going to have a massive shit.

We're not going to have a massive massive shift.

Are we just repeating what we're saying?

A dookie pucky.

There we go.

That had a spin on it.

That was great.

There we go.

When we come back, we're going to have a huge musician on the show.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.

Jack Quaid is here of, oh, you're in that show, Duh Boys, as well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm in the show, The Boys.

dub boys

yeah it's a chicago based uh superhero show and what uh

uh what's going on

what's going on with it uh well you know we just uh shot the fourth season you didn't shoot the a lot like uh bob marley shot that famous sheriff it's exactly like that song that's the thing that's what we all said every day we were i shot the scarecrow

okay all right top of the segment no problem

oh my god that was incredible um so is it uh when do we get to see it on our small screens?

You get to see it on your teeny, tiny screens.

I actually don't know.

I can only say this.

Well, no, I genuinely don't know.

Make some news here.

There's a writer's strike, so I don't know.

Is it so bad that you would say it on this incredibly popular podcast?

I think the Amazon people at Amazon would love to get the kind of promotion.

I mean, do you want me to just guess?

Because we got.

Let me guess.

Okay, you guess.

And if I get it right, then

I have to go and take a massive shift.

Yeah.

Okay.

That's right.

Okay.

You're leaving.

No, no, no, that's fine.

I've been holding it in for.

I mean, a lot of people don't know this.

The breaks on here are four hours long.

Yeah, sorry about that.

So I don't know.

All right.

Y'all talk about the boys.

Let me guess.

December 25th.

Yeah.

Okay.

Got to go.

Got to go take that massive shift.

All right.

Jack Quaid.

It's a Christmas show.

Goodbye, everyone.

Great to have you on.

We also have Bridget Jones here.

Yeah.

What's up?

What's up?

I'm getting mad text right now oh from who's like why aren't you on the line get back on the line we got one from drew tarver right here wow

incredible johnstein yeah incredible uh stars that you tin bolt yeah mark mcconneville mcconville yeah incredible uh we also have the crip keepers here with us

wait let me get a drink of water oh yeah please do because we have a uh

oh okay much much better.

We have a guest, I think, that is Germaine to your interests,

Crypt Keeper, because he's been on the show once before

and he is the

he is the

living embodiment, or not living, but he is the spiritual embodiment of a very famous musician.

Please welcome back to the show The Ghost of Dr.

John.

Catch it down in New Orleans.

How's everybody going?

That's right, your catchphrase.

How's everybody going?

My catchphrase, that's what we say down south in Louisiana.

Yeah.

It's me the ghost of Dr.

John.

How's everybody going today?

Hey, Scott.

Everyone's going great.

How are you?

I'm going well.

This is Bridget Jones.

I'm going my good.

You're going good?

Yeah.

Nice.

I liked your books.

Thank you.

So were you watching us like all ghosts do you?

Yeah, I just kind of hover above the space in a room and I just kind of like observe before, you know, I make myself corporeal.

Do you do that in every room or is that just

like a thought?

Yeah, like I'm like I'm like the world's fart.

Yeah.

So you're in every room simultaneously.

I'm in every room simultaneously, kind of like Santa Claus.

Right.

And I do watch you masturbate.

Great.

Yeah.

Just so you know.

When I do it, I'm putting on a show for the ghosts.

Yeah.

Yes.

You're very performative, aren't you?

You like this ghost?

You like this?

I mean, that's what I like.

You like this dick ghost?

That's what we called it down south.

We say, well, I'm going to go upstairs and put on the show for the ghosts.

And now I am a ghost and I believe it.

Because it happens.

Wow.

This is the Crip Keeper, by the way.

Your fellow ghosts, in a way.

Hello.

Hey, man, how are you?

You spooky as hell.

Good to see you.

Wait,

you don't look like him.

Cripkeeper, why do you look the way you look?

And Dr.

John looks the way he looks.

Dr.

John uses lotion.

Yeah.

I use ghost lotion.

It's just drunk,

man.

But it's just good.

It's good.

It's good for the skin or the lack thereof that I have.

I see.

Yeah.

Doctor, I've always had a question for you.

And I've always had an answer for you, Prickkeeper.

Are you black?

No.

So it's okay.

Just for everybody listening right now,

white or at least somewhat white.

I haven't exactly looked into it, but yeah.

I've always wondered.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are you the voice of AMBM?

I believe so.

Really?

I mean, at least, you know, they have the...

Anti-Meridian, post-Meridian?

Anti-Meridian, post-Meridian, yeah.

That's me.

Incredible.

I'm in every room, so I'm the voice of most things.

Oh, that's right.

You sing.

Yeah.

I was in the princess.

Quick recap.

I was into Princess and the Frog.

The Frog.

They told me.

Scott Hasn't Seen.

You should do Scott Asn's Scene.

Scott Hasn't Seen.

Where we watched Princess and the Frog.

Oh, yeah, we got to watch it.

Catch it Down in New Orleans.

So I'm here to sue the Walt Disney Corporation.

What?

Yeah.

Just like Ron DeSantis?

Well, not exactly the same way.

But,

you know, I'm out there on the picket line most days now.

Not for striking with the riders, though I am in solidarity.

But, you know, Dr.

Teeth

from the Muppets,

they're using him.

He's clearly a knockoff of me, stealing my oeuvre.

All of you doctors know each other, too, right?

Every single doctor knows each other.

Dr.

Phil.

Yeah.

the rest, listen, I'm in most rooms, and I know most doctors, Dr.

Quinn, yeah, medicine woman.

That's pretty spooky.

Was she a doctor, or was she just a medicine woman?

Because I think she had two titles, and she was sort of like, hey, choose which one is applicable.

This is mad sexist, baby.

You wouldn't call, you know,

who's a

male doctor.

Dr.

Dr.

Oz.

Dr.

Oz.

Okay, you wouldn't call Dr.

Oz medicine man.

You know, it's like it It was old-fashioned times.

So everything was a medicine woman,

meat man.

And meat man.

Meat?

Meatman.

Butcher Phil the meatman.

Yeah.

Okay, that makes a little more sense.

Slop gobbler.

River butcher.

I believe there were no college degrees in her day.

Yeah, she couldn't go.

Then why could they call her doctor?

Who said?

Is doctor just something that like everyone could be if they just practiced medicine?

And then suddenly they were like, no, you need a degree to do this.

I mean, I went to Zyteco School, and that's how I got my.

I covered this last time.

That's right.

So it's been a while.

But you ever heard of the band stained?

The band stained?

Yeah.

Never heard of them.

I'm so sorry.

They sing that song.

It's been a while.

Oh, now I know.

It's been a while since I've been something.

And then it trails off because I forget.

Yeah.

And just turn off the radio.

You know, it's funny.

Sometimes when it's been a while since I've done something, I sing, it's been a while.

It's been.

Oh, yeah.

Sometimes it's a Yatspin.

Yet Spanish.

Yat Span.

I don't know these references, but Zydeko School.

Zydeko School, yeah.

To Slane University.

Yeah, he's back.

Yeah, he's back.

He's back.

Glad we waited for that.

So happy we waited for that.

So, Dr.

John, you're suing Walt Disney.

I'm suing the Walt Disney Corporation, and I guess the man himself, theoretically, I see him up there sometimes.

Oh, he's up there.

I thought he was frozen.

Walt?

Oh, yeah.

I think they're temporarily holding him up there until he thaws.

Oh, really?

So he's in like a waiting room until he gets paid.

He's in like a, y'all seen Beetlejuice.

He's in that waiting room.

Do you mean the play or the movie?

I mean.

Or the video game.

I mean the video game

from Xbox 360.

Okay, got it.

Yeah.

So

you're suing Walt Disney on behalf of Dr.

Teeth?

No, on behalf of me, because, okay, so it's a little bit,

it's a little bit convoluted, but

Dr.

Teeth, part of the Muppets.

Disney owns the Muppets.

Dr.

Teeth, clearly a ripoff of me.

I'm suing Walt Disney Corporation for the sake of my oeuvre.

Oh, I see.

You know what I mean?

And I need that money.

I say, no cash, no oeuvre.

That's on my Writer's Guild sign.

So now you had plenty of time to do this while you were alive, by the way.

Because Dr.

Teeth, I believe, has been established ever since the late 70s, if not early.

I only heard about Dr.

Teeth after I passed away.

Whoa, no, what happened?

Who told you?

Someone was just like, guess what?

The Muppets.

Abraham Lincoln.

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

The ghost of Abraham lincoln was like guess what the muppets you should be pissed he's a fan of the muppets he loves those muppets his hat is sort of like a muppet yeah it kind of bounces around and says yay

that is so offensive and what

to muppets or to to muppets to abraham lincoln to a

to honest abe himself yeah wow yeah one of our most honest presidents weird isn't it that two presidents have like these stories about being honest washington and lincoln it's like come on

pick one of them.

Pick one.

Trump's been mad on this as well.

Okay, all right.

So, how's the lawsuit going?

Where did you file it?

In a friendly court?

Were you judge shopping?

I was judge shopping for a while.

Last time I was here, I thought I found a lawyer, but she turned out to be a malignant.

Oh, that's right.

I remember that.

Yeah, you remember that from a year ago.

She was a malignant.

Yeah, yeah.

She was a malignant.

When we say a malignant, meaning she had a body

and then a conjoined twin on the conjoined twin on the back of her head.

Yeah.

So that worked, that didn't work out too well.

So I was just wondering if anybody here, I'm back shopping for lawyers to help me sue the Walt Disney Corporation.

I know a lawyer, but I don't know if he's around.

He's from Italy.

So I don't know if he's.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Is he about to appear?

I have no idea.

I'm in every room.

I could check.

Yeah, go find Italiano Jones and see if you can bring him here.

Okay, hold on.

I found him.

Scott, I came as soon as I could.

What is this, Scott?

You came so where were you?

I was right outside your house in my RV.

You didn't have to go very far, did you, Dr.

John?

No, he was right outside.

What is it, Scott?

Have you been injured?

I've not been injured, no.

But you haven't?

You look mad sick.

Scott, you look disgusting.

No, this is age.

Scott, you look disgusting.

You look like you're dying.

No, no, no.

I mean, we all are, but me a little closer to it than the rest of you.

Why is your skin green?

What have you been doing?

It's not about me.

We have, we need a lawyer.

Oh, I do that.

Here, I give you mouth to mouth, Scott.

No, no, no, no, well, okay,

oh, okay, yeah, you know, I've been very no, I'm good.

You want it too much?

Damn it.

Uh,

no, uh, Dr.

John here.

Go to Dr.

John.

Hello.

Hello, Dr.

John.

Hello.

Have you been injured?

You're a doctor.

You should be able to fix it.

Well, I'm technically dead.

Oh, yeah.

That's a big injury.

It's a big injury.

Have you ever represented anyone who's actually dead?

The Cripkeeper.

You wait.

Oh, this is the Cripkeeper is here.

Hello, Italiado.

Italiado.

Bones.

Wait, are you his ride?

Is that why you're outside with the RV?

We both live in the RV.

Are we together?

Yes.

Man, the conversations between you two must be great.

Let's hear one.

Their voices are similar.

I don't know how y'all tell each other apart.

Good morning, Cripkeeper.

Good morning.

That was the cripkeeper.

i can't tell them before good morning jackie man

i am following this

i'm riveted continue

what do you need help with yeah uh oh yeah dr john you you're suing uh disney it's a it's uh it's an uber related uh lawsuit it's uh dr teeth

were you in an uber and you got injured it's uber oh uber general uh uh uh feel of character and it's a likeness issue, really.

It's very personal.

There's confusion in the marketplace.

There's confusion in the marketplace.

I need my identity.

Well, I am a personal injury attorney.

Oh, that's right.

I always forget that about you.

But you could say he's been injured.

Even though he asks people constantly if they're injured.

Well, Scott's been injured on the job.

He looks mad sick.

Scott, have you been injured on the job?

You look like shit.

No,

I'm fine.

You should sue Comedy Bang Bang.

I wonder if I could bang.

Honestly, I'll get in on that with you.

Okay, yeah, if you and I both want to sue comedy bangs, do your own podcast.

Yeah, why not?

Do you think he looks better than me, an actual ghost?

Absolutely not.

No, I look better than the cripkeeper, though, you got to admit.

You look less wrapped up.

You look more exposed.

You mean wrapped up?

Because he had a wrap.

Dr.

John, I may be able to take on your case.

I just have one question.

Yeah.

Are you black?

No.

Listen to me.

I checked before I became Dr.

John.

We all have to check every once in a while.

We all have to check.

I'm just Cajun, I believe.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a very region.

It's a regional.

So regional.

Yeah, exactly.

You want to represent him?

Does that?

If I was black,

would you represent me?

Absolutely not.

Okay.

Wait, you don't represent black clients?

Absolutely not.

They always lose.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Well, this has been no help for me.

Are you black?

Are you black?

I'm Italian.

Are you a white Italian?

No, he's canonically black in the book.

You did that.

I never said that.

Only thing I ever said that I am six foot five.

Yeah, so he's white.

You need to redo the book.

I represented one black person that has gotten off.

Who's that?

Who's that?

It's me, Scott.

OJ!

OJ is here.

So many people are in that RV.

Now, I can tell the difference now.

OJ sounds different.

We're all hanging on the RV, I'm telling you.

And it is a good time.

Hey, who is this?

This is the ghost of Dr.

John.

Hi, White.

Just in case you're about to.

I love those.

Oh, no.

And they love you, Juice.

They love you.

Sometimes.

You know, I didn't come here to stay low.

I just wanted to say.

Watch Star Trek Lower Decks.

You sound like Obama now.

Who's your favorite Star Trek Lower Decks character?

Is it Keisha?

Lieutenant Keisha.

Oh, I know it.

Oh, yeah.

I know everything about him.

Oh, like what?

I got to get back out to the RV.

Okay, see you later.

Y'all take care.

Yeah.

What is happening in IRV?

What do you guys think about that?

What's happening in the RV?

I'm just saying.

Usually people leave house.

They say take care, but he wanted to give his last guest.

O.J.

Can you?

I thought I was talking to the other two guys, but OJ responded.

Well, I have been reading some law books.

He hasn't left yet.

No, he's still here.

Dr.

John asked me a question.

I did.

I said, could he represent me in my case?

You've been reading laws.

I've been reading law.

You famously got off.

I mean, if anyone knows how to get.

Yes.

Well, I did lose the civil case.

Oh, that's right.

I had to spend a lot of money on that.

But I, let me tell you something.

Yep.

When you're down, when you're sitting down, as they say, I

have plenty of time.

When you're sitting down.

It's not a technical term.

When you're sitting down, as they say.

As the layperson says.

I have had to read a lot of books.

And I think I may be able to get your Uber case

seen by the Supreme Court.

Oh, by the Supreme Court.

Yes, I have a good friend on the Supreme Court.

His name is Clarence Thomas.

Oh, I love that guy.

Yeah, I thought I kind of figures you guys are friends.

Yeah.

Is he black?

He is.

Doesn't like to be, but he is.

Now, I am up on current events, and I don't love him,

but I'll take what I can get.

Yeah, if you, I mean, mean, the Supreme Court, I didn't realize they represented people in cases.

Do they represent ghosts?

I can get them to hear this ghost case.

Oh, okay.

But right now, they're going to tow the RV, so I got to get back out.

Oh, okay, Juice.

It's always

wonderful talking to you.

Take care, Scott.

I definitely will take care.

Thank you, Juice.

Take care, Doctor.

Hey, yeah.

Bye.

I get the feeling as long as anyone's talking to you, you're still going to stick around.

I'm out of here.

Okay.

All right.

Criftkeeper.

Why are you crying?

Your hello sound like a creaky door.

I'm scared.

But OJ.

You're scared of OJ?

Why?

He always steals my breakfast cereal.

What do you mean he's M-E-R-I-A-L.

Oh, because of the podcast about the murderer.

And that one's a deep thing.

That's a reach.

I've been hitting you guys with them all day.

Why are you all unwrapped all of a sudden?

I'm wearing a tuxedo.

I feel like we're learning more about you than we have this entire time.

You're wearing a tuxedo.

For what?

To what end?

Are you going to some sort of big ball tonight?

I'm attending a boozical.

Which one?

Is that musical with booze or scary

musical?

Scary musical.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which one are you going to?

Hair spray.

Okay, you're terrifying.

You paused knowing hair wasn't good enough,

and then you continued and you just said a different.

It was a lateral move.

Hair is slay.

Hair slay.

There we go.

Yes, queen.

Yes.

Cut the other one out.

Unfortunately, our editing machine is broken.

Yeah, actually, you could cut most of this stuff out.

Every week, we just leave it all in.

I don't know why.

It's a bad thing.

It's so embarrassing.

Well, look, we are running out of time speaking of cutting out.

Am I any closer to suing the shit out of Walt Disney?

I don't know.

I don't know if I'll ever get there.

Italiano here maybe could help you, but I'm sorry.

I don't think you have a case.

Hold on.

OJ was convinced, but Italiano knows?

OJ and I are not the same person.

No, I just, you all live in the same RV.

Was that canon?

It is now.

All right.

Italiano Jones, more like Italiano knows.

Because you're saying no.

Because he's saying no.

It's not about your nose.

I see you touching your nose.

What's wrong with my nose?

He cares less about puns.

They're not the same person.

It's an Italian nose.

Not everyone in an RV has the same mind.

No.

Exactly.

All right.

If you guys want to see all of us in our RV, we live right outside Scott's house.

Please don't give out the address.

We are running out of time.

We just have time for one final feature on the show.

That is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Oh, beautiful.

That was it's time for plugs by Nick Bowen.

Uh, had a flaming lips vibe to it.

I loved it.

Thanks so much, Nick.

If you have a plugs theme or a closing up the plug bag theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs uh and you can upload it there and you might be able to be played on this show all right uh what are we plugging dr john ghost of dr john pardon me pardon me yeah uh

anything to plug this has got that new muppet show do not watch it i will be mad i will watch you while you masturbate a little more yeah don't masturbate

show don't watch the muppet show and don't masturbate definitely don't do both at the same time yeah because i'm there You're always there.

I'm right there.

I'm underneath your sheets.

I'm on the ceiling.

Bridget Jones.

You want to plug anything?

Yeah.

I'm going to plug CBB World.

I'll be listening to it when I'm out there on the picket line.

Listening to this book change my life.

Oh, a new episode just came out last week.

No.

Yeah, it did.

It did?

Yeah.

It did?

Yeah.

No, it's this week.

Do you know when this comes out?

Okay, delete that.

Delete that.

You can't delete your screen.

Don't make me feel like a fucking

idea on you.

Just, okay, so that app came out last week.

Yeah, I listened to it.

It was so good.

Also, listen to Hey, Randy, coming out this week.

Okay, we don't normally talk about before it comes out, but yeah.

Okay, delete that.

Stop fucking up, everyone.

God.

And follow L-I-L-Y-Y-L-Y-W.

And

Cripkeeper, what do you want to plug?

Obviously, you must have so much in the bank in the tank what's uh what's going on with you cripkeeper yes

or italiano i'll take either one whatever is easiest to get these plugs out

i would like to plug

star trek lower decks ah yes we talked about it before star trek lower decks the cartoon about star trek

i would also like to plug star trek lower decks i would also like to plug it as well i would also like to plug Grand Crew.

Oh, that's right.

Grand Cruz on Peacock right now.

Peacock.

That's not a pun either.

That's just generally gross.

All right.

You have to read beneath the bun.

That's your problem, Scott.

Your surface level.

Very first thought.

What about any podcasts?

You have any podcasts?

Yes.

I'd like to plug the flagrant ones.

So slow the way you talk.

It takes forever.

The flagrant ones, this is with

hosted by Slays Davenport.

Sean Clement.

You don't have one friend.

And Carl John.

I have a question about those two.

Do they ever drop the act?

I still don't know.

I want to plug.

Look, the CBB book is out there.

It makes a great gift for any dads, let alone your grads.

And

people are really enjoying it.

I'm happy to hear all of the great reviews of it.

And also, I want to plug CBB World.

We have a ton of shows over there.

We have, of course,

on Tuesdays, we have College Town, right?

Yes.

And Wednesdays is CBB Presents.

Don't give it away.

Don't give it away.

Give it away.

And then Friday, we have Scott Hasn't Seen.

I believe we just watched Reds with the co-creator of Miles Morales, Spider-Man, Brian Michael Bendis.

Oh.

And

some good shows coming out this month.

All right, here we go.

Let's close up the old plug back.

We take them up and shut them tight.

And then we take them up and shut them tight.

And then we take them up and shut them tight.

And then we take them up and shut them tight.

And then we take them up and shut them tight.

And then we take them up and shut them tight.

And then we take them up and shut them tight.

And then we take them up and shut them tight.

And then we take them up and shut them tight.

And then we take them up and shut them tight.

That's good.

That's good.

I'm the captain now.

I'm the captain now.

That's good.

That's good.

That's good.

That's good.

I'm the captain now.

I'm the captain now.

That's good.

That's good.

Let's see how many lyrics we can do.

Yeah, that was Shut Them Tight, Captain Bubbles, by Ephraim.

Thank you to Ephraim or Ephraim.

Probably, it has an I, Ephraim, I'm guessing.

It's both.

Oh, it's both.

Oh, okay.

You know him.

Yes.

Or her.

Or them.

Them.

Okay, great.

Yes.

Guys, I want to thank you so much.

First of all, Bridget Jones, always great seeing you.

I loved seeing you.

Did you really?

I did.

You're one of my favorites.

Really?

Come back anytime.

Wow.

Honestly, love it.

Yeah.

Love it.

We have a great relationship until you talked about how bad I looked.

But that's just, I'm just trying to help.

You're trying.

I'm trying to save you.

Interesting.

Make sure you get the help you need, okay?

Okay.

Obviously, you're obsessed with me.

And you're flinky dinkies.

Yeah, you want the in the jungle of me jinkies.

And

Crip Keeper, such an honor meeting you.

I'll be back.

I'll be hacked.

I've noticed that you have two puns.

You have anything rhyming with ack, you say hack, and anything rhyming in A's, you say slays.

Also, he said that we said used bones in like

bones in like four of them.

Everything.

Okay, three.

Don't forget emphasizing P.

That's true.

That's a good point.

Ghost of Dr.

John.

Great having you back.

Always good to be back.

Good luck with your lawsuit.

Hey.

Yes?

I got nothing.

You got a faraway look in your eye when you said, hey.

Slave.

Slave.

Yes.

Very good.

All right.

We'll see you next time.

Thanks.

Bye.

Adam Pally here, and I'm John Gabritz.

We're a couple actors and best friends who you may know as the hosts of the TV show 100 One Places to Party Before You Die.

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