Thong Seduction (Andy Samberg, Neil Campbell, Mitra Jouhari)

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bang bang, comedy bang bang,

comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang, comedy bang bang,

shout shout, let it all out.

These are the things you're being fired about.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to sight of McG for that catchphrase submission, side of McG.

And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

We have an exceptional show this week.

Coming up a little later, we have an ambassador.

We also have a dating coach who has a new book out.

That's very exciting.

But before we get to them, let's get to our guests of honor.

And I truly mean it is an honor to have them.

Should I introduce you individually or collectively?

Collectively, for sure, right?

Collectively.

Yeah.

Say all three names at once.

All at once.

Do you have a Voltron-style name that you call each other whenever the three of you get into a room together?

Hey, what is our benefit?

Zargon.

Zargonite.

Oh, yeah, Zargonite.

Zargonite?

Really?

Yeah, Zargonites.

Okay, the Zargonites are here.

Woo!

You know them as the creators and stars of the show Digman, which is on Comedy Central season two, premiering this weekend.

Or no, sorry, this Wednesday.

They both start with a W.

It's so easy to get those mixed up.

That counts.

Shouldn't the weekend days start with W as well?

I couldn't agree more.

It's hard for me to think of a way that I could agree more.

Okay, well, but you are thinking very hard right now.

I mean, it could be all of the days of the week, but that's just sort of improving on the concept.

It's not disagreeing.

That's true.

That's a good point.

Let's see.

Welcome back, Neil Campbell, Mitch Johari, and making his record-breaking 12th appearance on the show.

Andy Samberg.

12?

Whoa, record-breaking for me?

Yeah, for you.

Other people have done it way more.

That's what I figured.

Jason Manzukas has done it 76 76 times 76 times well i'm on his tail yeah you want you'll catch up to him i truly believe that i do i truly believe that you just have to do every episode in for the next couple of years or hear me out he dies yes and then i keep going and you still only do one every two years he dies by my hand oh okay good i do the cast from jail because i will not get away with it right no i mean manzucus he's gonna be like

screaming help me

writing your name in blood with his finger yeah how would you kill jason manzoukis if you could?

Like, what's the dream way to kill Jason Manzukas?

Strangulation during sex with him.

Okay.

Yeah.

I would go secret eggs.

Oh, yeah.

Injection or having him eat them.

Yeah, just having him eat them.

But now you'd have to take away his EpiPen as well because he always has that at the ready.

That's what Mitra's on.

That's Mitra's part of the bargain.

Because I'm the one with the purse.

Oh, okay.

So you just take it and put it in your purse.

I don't know where it is.

I don't know.

There's so much stuff in the purse.

I'm trying to find it.

I can't.

Yeah.

You'll remember, of course, when we were working on the MTV awards, Andy.

Jason Manzucas was writing with Neil and myself.

And

not Mitra, thanks for nothing.

Excluding me.

I don't believe you were in town yet.

You definitely would have if you had only been in town.

We reached out to you wondering if you were going to be there.

What year was it?

2009.

So you might have been fully in high school.

Yes.

And that's okay.

And thanks for reaching out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Jason went up to go get a Dodger dog at the Universal City Walk Dodger restaurants that they have.

And

very casually, almost as an afterthought, said, hey, there are no eggs in these buns, right?

And they said, oh, no, there are a lot of eggs in these because eggs are hardly ever in hot dog buns.

And so he wasn't even going to ask.

He would have been fully dead.

Oh.

If that had happened.

Do you remember this, Andy?

No.

Do you remember this Neil?

No,

vaguely.

Why do I remember it?

Yeah.

So, anyways, Manzukas would be behind me.

I'd reach back to Strangling.

Flexible.

Yeah, it's not a good plan.

Guys, welcome back to the show.

I mean, Mitra, you've done it.

Oh, Neil, you've done, you've all done it.

You've all done this show before.

That's true.

Yeah.

I talked to you about your podcast, Mitra, last time you were on the show.

And then, Neil, we talked about Digman last time you were on the show.

That's right.

And Digman is back, baby.

Yay!

Mitra, what's your podcast?

It doesn't exist anymore.

It's defunct.

Don't check it out.

I have a podcast.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, yeah.

That's all that's new for me since I was here.

That is true.

Your PR person wanted me to mention it.

Did she?

Well, but remember, I always told you how much I don't like podcasts.

Yes.

But you didn't even like doing them.

No.

I mean, I like one.

I like you, and I like the comedy yucks.

Yes.

But the

whole format

disagrees with me.

And yet you have one now and you have episode upon episode that you've already done.

How many episodes have you done?

I mean, at least 7,000.

7,000?

That's too many.

Yeah.

And this is the Lonely Island podcast.

Yeah.

And

Seth Meyer's Lonely Island Podcast.

It's a bad name.

And

because it's about Saturday Night Live, and yet that's not even in the title.

Definitely not.

And it's also specifically about all the digital shorts we made, also not in the title.

Right.

This is this is bad marketing.

And yet the title is quite clunky.

But that's That's a fantastic podcast where you go through every single one of the digital shorts and you talk about what was going on that week and why you thought of it.

And like, was Lauren mad?

And how often was he mad?

Like 15% of the time, I think.

Really?

Mad about what?

Why would he have been mad?

He was just like, my popcorn, come back with my show.

Oh, yeah, that's him.

Yeah.

He would be mad about TV Funhouse taking over the show all the time.

Yeah, yeah.

He was almost always mad when TV Funhouse was on.

And how long is that podcast going to go?

Because you made like a thousand of those shorts.

I think it's going to just be in perpetuity.

Good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, welcome, podcast, brother.

Thank you so much, podcast, brother.

Wow.

It feels different.

Welcome to the family.

It's so wonderful to have another podcaster on this show.

I guess this is totally radical.

Is this your new guy?

Huh?

I like this guy.

Yeah, man.

Podcast.

The totally radical.

But we're here to talk about Digman, of course.

Rip Digman is back after a,

how long has the hiatus been?

Like seven years.

It was not our fault.

The writer's strike is to blame.

So thanks for nothing, writers.

But at least you got that sweet deal out of that writer's strike.

Everything's better.

We had to do it.

I myself am a writer.

I'm in the guild, Scott, as you know.

Wow.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

And to you as well.

Thank you.

Yeah.

And Neil?

Yeah, I'm in it.

Scott?

I'm in it.

They canceled my life insurance.

Or no, not life insurance, health insurance.

What if they took out life insurance on me?

How'd they do that?

No, they canceled my health insurance during COVID, so I'm mad at them.

Why?

Because I didn't make any money that year.

Oh, well, that seems nasty word.

Seems nasty.

Nasty.

But you can make money that year because we're on strike.

I know.

It's nasty.

That's straight up.

Anyway,

so, but, you know, now I'm on Cobra and everything's okay.

Yeah.

For a second, I thought you meant like Cobra from G.I.

Joe.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Or Cobra from a Sliced Alone's movie.

Oh, my God.

Well, yeah.

Who's better?

Cobra from G.I.

Joe or Sliced Alone Cobra?

Well, Cobra is a whole organization.

Sure.

But could Cobra, the man, take on Cobra, the organization?

No, he gets so killed.

You think he would get killed, really?

He'd take a few down with him.

Sure.

How many?

Seven.

How many people are in Cobra?

Hundreds.

Thousands.

Maybe thousands, like globally?

Globally, yeah.

Yeah, thousands.

Well, at one time, though.

Like, how many Cobra people are in one room at one time?

I mean, if there's like a Cobra convention,

do you know what we're talking about, Mitra?

Yes, I do.

And I was thinking about Cobra from Lilo and Stitch.

Oh,

no, I haven't seen that movie.

You gotta check it out.

I hear at one point he, and I'm talking, when I say he, I mean Stitch.

Maybe it's it.

I don't know Stitch's pronouns.

He, him.

Oh, it's he, him.

Okay.

So I know.

Oh, okay.

So you've seen the movie.

So Stitch.

Do you know like beyond the movie, though?

I feel like you maybe had like a hookup.

It's private.

Okay.

Stitch takes his finger down.

Stitch takes his finger down, puts it down on a vinyl record and opens his mouth, and music comes out.

Is this true?

I'm laughing, pinking.

Yeah, so am I.

And I got to see this movie.

I love both the animated and the live.

I'm laughing.

Does he do other stuff like that?

He does.

And is that like a special effect in the movie?

Or is that.

Yeah, was it shot in camera?

Yeah.

It's practical.

Yeah.

It's just a talent that the real Stitch has.

It's funny, right?

It's so funny.

And I love the music.

I just love Lilo and Stitch.

What's the mute?

Because in the cartoon, it was the Elvis songs.

Hawaiian roller coaster ride.

I listen to that in the car all the time.

You kind of need to warn us when you have perfect fucking itch.

Yeah.

Neil, you seen Lilo and Stitch?

I haven't seen any version of Lilo and Stitch.

No versions.

Animated nor live action.

Really?

People are allergic to feeling good.

We gotta go.

We gotta go see that.

I'm down.

It just never crossed my path.

A movie has to cross your path.

Yeah, that's how most people go to theaters and go see them.

Honestly, I hadn't seen The Godfather, and then I was walking down the street, and someone ran up with an iPad, and they're like, Oh my God, have you seen this?

And I was like, Whoa, look at the cinematography.

So you sat there for three hours?

Yeah, for sure.

Sat down right in the street.

I have the privilege of having a boyfriend that made me watch The Godfather.

Oh, wonderful.

Boyfriends love to to do that

do you make you watch raging bowl as well goodfellas heat robo cop i liked most of them yes yeah the only one i didn't care about was heat yeah what's going on with heat you know yeah there's a character named neil

but he spells it the wrong way so is it n-e-a-l yeah

this guy heat you can get dudes talking about the sounds the sound design of the guns in heat for hours yes like dude it just sounds so real and you're like okay Yeah, is that the one where it was like the most guns in picture or like whatever something?

Was that a movie where Robert De Niro and Al Pacino sat down at Kate Mantellini restaurant?

That's right.

It's the restaurant right underneath Management 360, of course.

Great.

And that's where they sat down and went head-to-head, mano amano.

Yeah, it's like when Denzel got a baseball steak at

the Pacific dining car in training day oh that's right yeah i thought i thought that he was in the pacific dining car in that uh unstoppable movie where he's in the train could have been both

but he just gets into that restaurant and then suddenly

starts moving yeah

i took it at face value yep and i now realize face value great phil collins record you have to admit favorite track on face value go sue studio perhaps yes yeah strong agree

when i was a kid and um i was first aware of like quentin tarantino i guess probably pulp fiction days, and they would show Susudio still the video, I don't know, on VH1 or something.

I always thought there was an extra in it.

I was like, is that Quentin Tarantino?

Because I just like wanted to see him places.

I'm not sure it's not.

When I was at SNL, me and Fred Armston read a commercial parody called Sushiriel, where it was breakfast cereal that was raw fish and the jingle.

You see where this is going.

Sure.

Sue, sushi real.

Why did this never get on the air?

It was firmly rejected.

You got to tell this story on your own podcast.

I know.

Wow, lots of sushi stuff for you.

I know, I do.

I mean, I love sushi.

It's one of my faves.

Of course, you came back to SNL, Andy, this last year.

Here we go.

Let's get into it.

And you made some new digital shorts.

Woo!

Because you were like, oh no, I need my podcast to go a few more episodes.

Feed the pod.

That was why.

Gotta feed the pod.

And you played the prospective first gentleman.

I did.

Doug

M Hoff.

M Hoff.

Took me a second to.

We don't have to remember him anymore.

No.

Isn't that great?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's great.

I would prefer we all did.

But what a thrill to be walking down the halls of Studio 8H once again.

I felt like I was in the movie Saturday night.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Starring everyone.

Starring everyone we know.

Wow.

Paul Rust, of course.

Paul Schaefer.

Did they cast everyone in that movie according to their first name, like him?

I haven't thought too hard about it, but I assume so.

So they had to find someone named Chevy, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The car.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, a car played Chevy Chase in that movie?

Big.

Or maybe the person who owns Chevy's, the Tex-Mex chain?

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

Why not?

He's probably named Chevy.

If he's not, it's false advertising.

Yeah, exactly.

Because it is a possessive apostrophe.

Yes.

Favorite Tex-Mex restaurant?

Neil.

Restaurant.

I don't know.

Tex-Mex.

Yeah.

No, that's my answer.

There's a place called Tex-Mex.

He said restaurant, and I said Tex-Mex.

I see.

Okay.

What about you, Andy?

Oh, I can't think of any.

Chili's?

I mean, Chevy's, I guess.

Chevy's and Chili's.

I think those are maybe the only chilies.

Chili's Tex-Mex?

I think so, isn't it?

Let's look this up on

Wikipedia.

I mean, I am their spokesperson.

I should know.

you're doing chilies uh commercials these days really check this shit out at chili's we're gonna fucking

we're gonna fucking we guarantee it you're gonna poop the next day you're gonna fucking slam down a plate of the grub

you're gonna be all chili

you're gonna wake up sweating in the middle of the night gasping for water chilies late breaking news on the wikipedia chilies serves american food tex-mex cuisine yes and dishes influenced by Mexican cuisine.

Such as shrimp tacos.

Shrimp, you like that?

Uh, yeah.

Or sushi.

Rice.

I've eaten a shrimp.

Uh, quesadillas and fajitas.

Dag to the woods.

Yes.

They also offer a vegetarian menu.

Wow.

Yes.

Okay.

Stop into a Chili's this weekend.

You're not going to regret it.

Could we get this whole rig?

The mics, all of it,

put it all into the

head truck.

Yep.

While still recording.

Yes.

Head on down to.

You're guessing what I'm going with.

I think I do chilies.

Mickey D's.

Oh, shit.

At the airport.

Get on a plane to the furthest place that we can find.

What is the farthest place you could fly to from Los Angeles?

I wonder.

There's our website.

The moon.

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

Pluto.

Pluto.

Yeah.

You know how at Burlake Airport there's a guy Fieti restaurant?

Yeah.

Nicole Beiher told me she took a date there.

Like they weren't.

Wait,

you have to go through security to go to the ship.

She said she bought the cheapest tickets she could find.

Funny.

And

she was like, he wasn't that into it.

I was super annoyed.

I thought it was the coolest idea.

I was like, I would have been

fucking in heaven.

That's

flown wherever we were flying to as well.

Yeah.

Made a weekend.

And you know where that is.

Uh-huh.

Talking to Scott.

Fuck Town.

Vegas, Vegas.

Well, Digman is back

in such a mayhor way.

Rip Digman, of course.

We also have Salteen.

Yes.

And

he's an adventurer, of course, an archaeologist.

And he's back.

And Saltine, of course, Rip's student, current assistant archaeologist.

And what kind of adventures do they get into this season?

I think Neil has to answer this.

Yeah.

He's our showrunner.

Oh, okay.

Well,

all kinds of adventures.

Oh,

they're looking for artifacts.

They're

going to the bottom of the ocean.

They're flying through the air.

Dude,

what about fire and earth?

Yes.

Well, does lava count as fire?

I guess so.

Yeah, it's very hot.

And by the way, they're standing on Earth right next to the lava.

Oh, okay.

So you're covering all four of the elements.

Yes.

Wow.

Of course, what about the fifth element?

Love.

It was made with love.

Oh, okay.

None of the characters have any for any.

How do you make it with love?

Do you kiss every individual frame?

Yeah.

Or sell as it kind of goes through the stamp it.

Is she the fifth element?

She's the fifth element?

In the fifth element?

She's?

She.

She.

She.

The character.

Oh, the character.

Oh, I haven't seen it since opening night.

Opens her mouth and like all this light and stuff.

She's in.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's in it too.

I like the part where she is watching a video that has all of human history and then it gets to Hitler and she cries.

Yeah.

The correct response.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just seeing a picture of the guy.

Like it had nothing to do with what he did or anything like that.

So fugly.

Put a bag on that.

I cried because he was so fugly.

I cried because it was so fugly.

Oh man, his face makes me cry.

How hard to be that man.

Digman is back.

Digman is back.

How many episodes we talking?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say eight.

Wow.

And now the first season had eight.

Hey, that's right.

And then this second season now has eight?

That's serendipity.

Wow.

Do you think like next season they'll say, hey, could you give us 300?

Yes, of course I think that.

Also, there's like a sliding doors scenario where they asked for that initially.

Whoa, yeah.

And they go, like, how many of these do you think you could make in your lifetime?

What if they had said that to South Park where they were like, tell you what, how many episodes of South Park or The Simpsons?

You know, like both of them, like, just like, hey, we'll give you a 500-episode order right now.

Like, it would have been cheaper than you know, every couple of years.

They, you know, because you got to renegotiate.

Yeah, exactly.

They should do that with every show.

Just, we'll make 500 right now.

It'll be cheaper.

I mean, I feel like they've done that in the past.

Yeah.

They did it.

Well, they did a 100-episode order with that anger management show, the Charlie Sheen show.

Oh, did they?

Yeah.

I feel like maybe there was like a Tyler Perry show they did that with also.

They did.

Yeah, they did.

Yeah.

And he shot all of those in like three weeks.

CBS Evening News.

Kind of

60 Minutes?

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

The embattled 60 Minutes.

And Dmitri, you wanted to get into that, right?

You wanted to talk about the Paramount Skydance merger, right?

Yeah, like if you have any questions about it, let me know.

What is a merger?

It's when two stuff goes together.

Like double stuff cookies?

In that way, sort of, yeah.

Great.

And as a Paramount shareholder, will I be voting on this merger at some point?

If you're in line, stay in line.

All All right.

Thank you.

Did you get paid in shares?

Oh, no, Neil.

You got to get paid in money next time.

Oh, no, no.

I just wanted stock options.

Oh, Neil.

Speaking of cookies, is there anything a boomer likes more than a mulano?

That's what I'm talking about.

You can see all that kind of stuff and more on Digmint on July 23rd.

Now, of course, the country of origin of this show is the United States.

The original language is English.

Thanks for that.

See?

You got the info.

And created by the two of you,

the masterminds, Neil and Andy.

Thanks for saying that.

Wow.

Jeez.

An animated sitcom.

Yes.

This is all accurate so far.

Theme music composer, Trevor Rabin or Rabin?

Rabin.

It's Raven from the band.

Yes.

That's so Rabin.

That is so Rabin.

It's the Trevor.

He's from Yes, yeah.

From Yes.

Owner of a Lonely Heart.

He also did the score for the movie Hot Rod.

That's how we knew him.

Did he, really?

So we hit him up.

And he also did the score for National Treasury.

Oh, very apropos.

Because this is...

Look, if you haven't seen Digman, this is...

We're not telling any lies here when we say your voice is based on Nicholas Cage and National Treasure.

It certainly started there.

It certainly started there.

Mitri likes to say it's evolved.

Yeah.

I love, yeah, that's kind of the stuff I'm always saying.

Is this like Homer Simpson started out as like a Walter Mathow impression and then it evolved into the Homer that we all love?

Is that true?

That is true.

Well, then, yes, this is exactly like.

So what's it sound like now?

Now it's like, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,

ya, yo.

So he sings the entire time.

Oh, it's full singing.

Ripping.

Tunical.

It's like, it's a lot, a lot like wicked.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

And what, when you say all that?

I'm like,

that's the note.

I hit it.

I do want to clarify one thing.

Yeah.

Season one came out on the show.

They call each other archies.

That's sort of the parlance for an archaeologist.

Right.

Someone

said, that's not really what archaeologists call each other.

And the thing I want to clarify is we know that.

We're making headlines here.

We were having some fun by coming up with a fun word.

How did they get a hold of you?

I'm wondering.

How did they get this information to you?

This is perhaps a comment that was left where I couldn't help but see it.

Because you're not, Neil, you're not incredibly active on something.

I really am not.

And yet you happened upon this comment and it's stuck in your crawl.

It's stuck, yes.

I was like, I guess I never realized we needed to clarify that.

But

you made it up.

You made it up.

What other things did you make up?

Kind of all of it.

Well, Saltine's real.

Saltine's real.

Yeah,

based on a real person.

Her around and kind of see what she gets up to.

Oh, that's it.

I mean, that's the easy way to write a show.

Just follow one person around.

Everyone's life is interesting if you just follow them around.

It's good for the animators too.

They can just mocap it.

Usually, when I follow people around, they head right to the police station and then it kind of ends there.

Yeah, we've been trying, we've been tricking this real-life saltine.

She thinks like the hottest style is this sort of skin-tight suit with ping-pong balls all over it.

So she just wears that every day thinking it's like really kind of the coolest thing.

And then you just put it in the backgrounds around her.

And then, yeah, we just sort of follow the camera and shoot it.

And then add my voice in.

She has a really unpleasant sound.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

Not nice like mine.

Yeah.

Correct.

Yeah.

I'm melodious.

And then how to does she go meet Rip Digman along the way?

We take some artistic license.

Okay.

So you guys are liars.

Perhaps.

Not unlike Jacob himself.

Jacob from the Bible?

Jacob the Liar, the Robert Williams movie.

Oh, of course.

I was like, I don't remember Jacob lying in the Bible.

Are you an Old Testament guy?

I'm full.

What's the different one?

There's a newer one.

I'm that.

Wow.

You like the newer testament?

Hell yeah.

Scott.

Hell.

Hell yeah.

That's the one where

good old JC comes in.

And he like changes the game.

That's my guy.

Yeah.

And then

they killed him.

And then he came back to life.

Spoiler, but yeah.

Yeah.

And then he hung around for like two weeks and was like, Asta, and just like floated up to heaven.

But before that, he lived at a brothel, right?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, I know my stuff.

Sounds like he had Riz.

Yeah, that guy had mad Riz.

Speaking of Mad Riz, Rip Dickman is that.

Yes, thank you.

And

I'm looking at the Wikipedia here, and it says

it's produced by CBS Studios, MTV Entertainment Studios, Dandy Flower Productions, Lonely Island Classics, of course, and Tit Mouse.

Tit Mouse, they're drawing it.

I got it.

I got to give them credit.

Yeah.

What's Dandy Flower Productions?

That's, that's, that's my shingle.

That's your shingle.

Wow.

This is a good team.

So walk us through it.

How did you arrive at the name?

It's the last name of a fake character I've done in a show called Spoofness.

And so I just used that.

Fucking funny characters.

It wasn't, yeah, it seemed clear.

It was terrible.

Has anyone seen it at the end of our show and gone, hey, it's the last day from the guy from Spoofness?

One person.

One person.

Really?

One percent.

A super fan of Spoofness, in fact.

I didn't realize that there was super fans of Spoofman.

I've, of course, did that show one time.

Yeah.

You've.

Was that Obama's Elf?

Was that?

Yes.

That was where.

Okay, I played.

I sang Am I Human or Am I Santa?

Right, right, right.

And then Kulop sang.

Kulop sang, Obama's elf.

I wanna be

Obama Zelf.

That's beautiful.

Yeah, there's some classics.

Yeah, there was a good show.

This is a show that Neil does every Christmas where people come and do the worst parody songs of all time on it.

Can I share mine?

Yes, what were you?

Have yourself a tasty little burger.

And I taped a burger to the bottom of a chair, and the whole team audience forgot a burger.

Was it upside down, or I guess it doesn't matter.

This is in the wrapper.

Oh, it was in wrapper.

Yeah, for respect.

Can I ask where the burger was from?

It was from McDonald's.

The now canceled McDonald's.

Was McDonald's now canceled?

I think if we're not, I don't even want to go there.

But, you know, as a Campbell, I'm,

you know, there's an ancient Campbell-McDonald rivalry.

Right.

You may recall from Mad Men when.

Pete Campbell's trying to get his daughter into a private school.

Yeah.

It's like a McDonald's school, and he's like, and the guy, they like punches him or whatever.

I do not recall that.

Wow.

So you're part of that proud lineage?

Yeah.

So even as a kid, my parents, I like threw up McDonald's once.

And they're like, well, it's probably because of this ancient clan battle between the McDonald's and the Campbells.

Your parents sound cool.

Yeah.

He also has piercing blue eyes.

Do you think he's based on you?

Ronald McDonald?

Yeah.

I think so.

Yeah.

I actually can't think of what color Ronald McDonald's eyes are.

Ronald McDonald, like, it's fun.

Like, we love him.

We We see him in these commercials.

He's our favorite guy.

But if you saw him in real life, this would be scary, wouldn't it?

Disgusting pervert freak.

I didn't want to say it, but yeah, exactly.

You're saying without the makeup.

Oh, sure.

Yeah.

That's why he wears the makeup.

He's good on him.

Because of all the scars all over his face.

Like, if the fifth element girl saw him without the makeup, she'd cry.

Don't you think, but in both of them in their makeup, kind of a match made in heaven?

Yeah.

Defoe too.

Similar color themes.

Well, Digman is back this Wednesday.

Rick Digman back on the scene and Salteen, of course.

And season one's all on Paramount Plus.

If you missed season one, you can go watch it on Paramount Plus.

Yeah.

Like, did you enjoy Yellowstone?

Check out Digman.

Is that the only thing on Paramount Plus?

I like the exact same tone.

1923?

Go check out Digman.

Yes, bro.

You like evil?

Digman's around the corner.

Well, this is exciting.

It comes out this Wednesday, and you know where my little butt is going to be is on that couch of mine, just laughing my tits off.

Yes.

Just watching your show.

It's a great show.

Rattling with laughter.

Just my tits just rattling around and jingle jangle.

This Wednesday on Comedy Central, we should mention, and of course, it's a dandy flower production.

Yes.

We need to take a break, but when we come back, Andy, you're going to stick around.

And Mitra, you're going to stick around.

But Neil, you have to go, right?

Yep.

Bye.

Okay.

Well, we're going to come right back.

We'll have more with Andy, more with Mitra, and we'll have an ambassador, plus a little bit later, a dating coach.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back with Andy Samberg, of course, Rip Digman himself.

I'll give you a little taste.

Sure.

We have Rip and Saltine here.

We could fully just do a scene.

Do an improvise a scene right here.

Of course, Dmitrich Juhari, who plays Saltine is is here.

Improvise a scene.

Here we go.

Do you need a suggestion?

Noon.

Noon?

Yeah, noon.

N-O-O-N.

Okay.

Palindromic.

Saltine.

What time is it?

Noon.

Thank you.

Wow.

This is what people can see when they watch Digman this Wednesday.

Something like that.

Comedy Central.

Stuff like that.

Digman doesn't wear a timepiece.

He's always asking what time it is.

Yeah, especially if it's noon.

Sure.

He doesn't know how that feels.

That's when he takes his medication.

He always has to make sure that he takes it right on time.

Are you trying to get me to do it more?

Maybe.

Let's take my medication.

Where is it?

In my bag.

Because the girls have the purse.

Yep.

This is a good episode.

Yeah, you got to check it out.

Are you recording?

Yeah, I really, I do a lot of work to kind of drop into the voice, into the character.

Both very different.

Well, we have another guest, Neil Campbell, who is the co-creator of Digman Had to Leave, but we have another guest coming on the show right now.

He is an ambassador.

In fact, he's a positivity ambassador.

Please welcome Sonny Price.

Scott, thanks so much for having me, dude.

Bring it in.

Oh, dude, I love your outfit.

I could never pull that off, man.

That's awesome.

There you go.

Dude, Andy, huge fan.

I could basically spend this entire interview geeking out over your IMDB.

But I'll spare you.

I'll spare you.

Okay, thank you.

Mitra, dead.

I'm dead.

I am such a huge fan.

Oh, my God.

It's awesome to be here, guys.

I can't believe it.

Thank you.

Yeah, great to meet you, Sonny.

Great to meet you guys.

This is awesome.

Thank you so much for having me.

Our pleasure.

So, Sonny, you are a positivity ambassador.

And I'm here today to discuss an initiative I'm launching.

Oh, yeah.

You know, sort of help spread positivity.

That's what you want to do.

You want to spread it and make everyone sort of more positive.

And how will that change

society?

For the better.

Oh, okay.

This sounds good then.

I'm glad you asked that question.

Really good question.

Thank you.

That sounds positive.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so, like, I look, I know to most people, I seem perfect.

I'm good looking.

I have a six-figure income.

I live in a mansion.

I drive a turbocharged, convertible sports car.

My body seems like it's carved out of bronze.

You know, I have a beautiful wife, even if she knows I have a few tattoos.

You know, I have two amazing twin daughters.

Do they have tattoos?

Temporary tattoos.

No butterflies.

Yeah.

But appearances are like Voldemort, Scott.

They could be deceiving.

That is like Voldemort, I found.

Because Voldemort, I don't know if you recall, Andy Mitra, Voldemort sort of deceived all of his followers.

Yeah.

Well, also, he's on the back of that guy's head.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

That's a good

old Tom Riddle scheme.

Yeah, the guy's quite deceptive.

Yeah.

Of course.

The most deceptive person I could think of when I said that.

Sure.

Of course.

Yeah.

So your life is not what it's.

Yeah, so even though it seems like my life is perfect, I actually have a tiny little pecker.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

It's just what I'm telling everybody.

Nobody is perfect.

How, how, do you, do you mind giving us some stats?

Yeah, yeah.

I have a tiny little pecker the size of a black bean.

So, Andy, SNL 50.

That must have been crazy.

Wait, but the size of a black bean?

Yeah, of a little tiny black bean.

And the girth of a size

of a black bean is full, shape, size, girth.

Color?

No, no, no.

The color is much paler.

Okay.

But,

I mean, that seems freakish.

I agree, and so does everyone who sees it.

So you're life's not perfect in that way, you're saying?

I'm not perfect in terms of my tiny little pecker.

Right.

Okay, so tell me, did you see Fran Gillespie at SNL 50?

Oh,

the writer, the SNL writer.

Yeah, I love that show.

I'm just sort of trying to pick a a random name from its 50 years of the show.

Yeah, and you're just a fan of hers specifically?

Well, of everybody who worked on the show.

Yeah, I did bump into her, and she was in her cups and having a blast.

That's great.

I have a tiny little pecker.

Yeah, no, we heard.

I mean, do you mind if we, you know, Digman is back.

Do you mind if we dumped in on your tiny little pecker man?

Sure, yeah.

Okay.

Well, usually you can't see it because the pube is in the way.

Oh, you don't shave that down.

No, I just got one, and it's the size of two black beans.

Oh, the single pube.

Like bangs.

Is it above?

Oh, yeah, it's like bangs.

Do you ever style them?

Or it, I guess.

Sorry, it.

I'll steam it sometimes.

Ow.

Oh.

I feel like the emphasis you put on the words black and bean is not the normal way for me.

Like, in my experience.

Yeah, stressing the first word.

It's a great thing to hear.

Yeah.

Like you say black bean.

Instead of black.

Black bean.

Black bean.

Like each word gets the equal emphasis.

Yeah, like black beans.

Yeah, black beans.

Yeah, yeah.

But black bean.

Black bean is how you're saying it.

Yeah.

Black bean.

Yeah.

Okay, interesting.

I've never worked in a Tex-Mex restaurant.

I don't know how to say it.

We were just talking about Tex Mexican.

Really?

I wasn't here yet.

Oh, wow.

Well, anyway, look, it's not just my tiny little pecker, I should say.

Oh, why?

What else is going on with you?

Remember that wife I was talking about earlier?

Sure.

That beautiful one with the C Cups.

You didn't mention that.

Oh, I should have.

You did mention her tattoos.

Yeah, she has tattoos and on the C cups?

Well, yes.

Does she have tattoos of B-cups on?

She's actually not beautiful.

She's ugly.

Oh.

And she's just a drawing I made.

Oh, Sonny.

The second part was actually a bigger twist.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sonny, that's...

So I know my life seems perfect.

I mean, let's just say that.

That beautiful wife is just a drawing I made and not a good one, an ugly one.

Do you mind if we see the drawing?

Yeah, here it is.

Why did you make her so ugly?

Oh.

It's the best I can do.

But you, you, like, gave her buck teeth.

I was trying to draw a beautiful smile.

And acne scars.

I was trying to draw laugh lines.

Big mustache, a gorgeous mustache, but why?

I was trying to shade the nose.

I see.

Okay.

Well,

I mean, yeah, you can't say you're married when it's really just a drawing that you've made.

Well, yeah.

Now, as for those twins that make my life seem so perfect.

Yeah, what's going on with them?

They're actually octuplets.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, and they're just

a package of eight hot dog buns.

Oh.

Oh.

Yeah, they're moldy and I tuck them in every night.

By the way, okay, so they sell hot dog buns in packages of eight, but then hot dogs in packages of six.

Tell me how that makes sense.

Yeah, it's ten, actually.

Oh, I go to a bad store.

Yeah, they're shorting you on four of the hot dogs.

Oh, yeah.

Now I know why it's called four shorties.

Okay.

Are you sure it's not four women who are in charge of the store?

I'm sure.

They're tall and they're non-binary.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, this, I mean, no, that's bad.

If you have an old, stale, moldy package of hot dog buns that you're still keeping, that's bad enough.

But then to consider them your twins.

Yeah.

I agree.

I'm just trying to get everyone to feel more positivity.

Okay.

Okay.

Is there anything else in your life, though, that you're going to be able to do that?

That turbocharged sports car I was talking about.

The one that's cherry red.

Yeah.

It's actually an oversized dung beetle I ride around on, created in the lab by my cousin, the so-called scientist, Dr.

Taverius.

I mean, that's cool.

That's cool.

You have a scientist cousin.

Yeah.

So-called.

I'm not sure he got his degree.

But degree or no, he's found a way to enlarge small things and make, I guess, enlarging means make them larger.

Yeah, and I couldn't agree more.

That's what he's done.

And I

ride around on the back with the one with.

Has he made anything else big?

Ladybugs?

have you thought about asking him to enlarge your black bean

i haven't that's good i'll call him

are you worried though if he were to point it at like he points it at one thing which is you you're you are one thing yeah thank you that you would just get bigger and like proportionally and your your black bean would would get yes i'm terrified about it still be tiny in proportion to your body yeah scared yeah you notice how i'm shivering yeah your front teeth are chattering right now as well yeah

probably doesn't help how wet you are thank you.

Yeah.

You're welcome.

Yeah, it's the middle of the summer.

Why did you come in sopping wet?

I misunderstand how to use toilets.

Oh, oh, you think the water is supposed to come out on you?

Yeah, I think you're supposed to be under it when the urine leaves your body.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

I didn't know you were supposed to do something else, I suppose.

Is there anything else, though, Sonny Price, that

remember that six-figure income I was talking about?

No, no.

Oh, no.

How many figures?

The figures are all behind a decimal point.

All of them?

Yes.

And what are the actual numbers?

Pie.

Oh.

So you make 31 cents a year?

0.31

so on.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, this is bad.

So you don't have a job.

Who's paying you the 31 cents?

Commission.

I mean, 31 cents and change.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

The government.

You can't round up, though, because it's four.

Never mind.

Sorry.

I just thought I was on a golf course.

I was ducking like four.

So, but that must be it, right?

Everything else in your life is.

My body looks like it was sculpted out of bronze.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah, it does look like that.

It was sculpted out of bronze.

By Botero.

Oh, no.

Who's Botero again?

Google it.

Well, that must be it, though.

Because, I mean,

those are the main things that we knew about you, right?

Look, appearances are like Kaiser Soze.

They can be deceiving.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

They can be deceiving.

So that, I mean, you know, your life sounds awful.

It is.

Thank you.

Yes.

And that's why I want everyone to become aware of that so that they feel better about themselves.

I'm trying to spread positivity.

It does make me feel slightly better about myself to realize you have it so terrible.

I mean,

where do you live if you don't make any money?

And you.

I just sort of camp under the dung beetle sometimes.

Oh.

Does anyone notice this huge dung beetle that you're riding around on?

I mean, this is like an oddity of nature.

I would say, yeah, people get upset by it.

Upset?

Yeah.

But we mostly just sort of keep to the forest.

Oh, okay.

I would think that instead of getting upset, the government might want to harness the power of your cousin.

Who is it, your cousin?

My cousin, Dr.

Teverius.

But yeah, we're always being chased by this government agent.

And have you ever seen E.T.

I have, yes.

And there's the guy Keys who chases them?

Sure, yeah.

Well, now, you know, it is 2025.

I'm always getting chased by a guy named Fobbs.

Can I just thank you?

Thank you.

Do you feel because you feel better about yourself?

I mean, I feel better about my sense of humor, too.

Yeah, that's what I'm here for.

Make everyone feel that.

And of course, we all remember that the guy chasing the BT's name was Key.

Yeah, we all remember that.

I mean, to be honest, sonny, yeah, I want to hear more about your life living in the woods, you know, with Dr.

Taverius being chased by Fobbs.

Oh, yeah, I should have led with that.

You think that's more interesting?

Interesting.

Like, I ride around on the back of a dung beetle.

I'm being chased by a government agent named Fobbs.

How does Dr.

Taverius, does he ride around on anything?

Does he?

No, he just has a cane and kind of glasses, and he's always grumpy.

And,

you know, he's always trying to invent new creatures for me to kind of harness like something out of the wild crats.

Right, Right, of course.

And do you have to move from forest to forest whenever Fobbs catches up with you?

Yeah, sort of.

And we kind of, you know, make friends with local animals, and sometimes they get enlarged by Dr.

Trefarius, and we always defeat Fobbs in the end.

But next week, he shows up with a new end of the week, I see.

Yeah, a new.

Yeah, we have a weekly adventure.

This is like a weekly occurrence.

A weekly adventure.

Yeah.

You're moving every single week.

What brings you through this area?

Just wanted to promote my positivity

initiative.

And what do you hope to get out of the

positivity initiative?

I hope to sort of cheer up Fobbs and get him to stop chasing us.

You think he might be a listener?

Yeah,

the Tog became aware of the podcast.

He once dropped his iPod Nano, and I looked at it and he was listening to this podcast.

Wow, I got to go on to this.

Hopefully, he'll hear this message of positivity.

Stop being so negative, chasing me all the time.

All right.

Well, Fobbs, if you're listening, stop chasing Dr.

Taverius and Sonny Price.

And, you know, I mean,

leave them alone with their big bugs and all that.

Thank you.

I know you're going to be a big influence on him.

He loves you.

Although I can understand his opinion of maybe wanting to enlarge tanks and monkeys.

No, he's part of the military-industrial complex.

And he's always trying to sort of, yeah, create weapons of warfare that he could sell to the highest bidder.

No matter their moral stance on anything.

It'd be great if they sold something to the lowest bidder one of of these days.

You know what I mean?

Would be funny.

It could sort of keep people on their toes.

Sure.

Like a nuclear bomb for $14.

Exactly.

Well, Sonny Price.

I would snag that.

Hell yeah.

I don't have anywhere to put it, but I'd find somewhere.

For $14, that'd snag it.

It's a deal.

Sonny, there can't be anything else about you that's interesting, is there?

I agree.

Oh, you're tapped out.

I'm tapped.

I want you to come back back someday on the show.

I mean, I want you to stick around.

We have to go to a break, but I do want you to come back because I want to hear about these adventures.

It feels like

that's the real untapped potential part of this guy.

No, I'm going to come back and I'm going to talk more about my positivity initiative.

All right.

Well, we have to take a break.

Mitra, you have to go, right?

Yeah.

Oh, that's too bad.

But when we come back, we have a dating coach who has a new book out.

This is exciting.

Andy, you can stick around.

And Sonny, why don't you stick around?

All right.

All right, we'll be right back with more company bang bang after this.

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comedy bang bang we're back uh andy samberg is here making his record-breaking 12th appearance on this show for me yep uh it was like uh one every couple of years we're in our 16th uh year here no i haven't done one a year you haven't done one a year no you you took a little bit of time off but then it during covid you did two because We had to, man.

Like, we had to put out content.

We as a community had to lift each other up.

We had to come together.

Yes, exactly.

You put out one right before that fateful day that the NBA canceled their

what was it, the all-star game, and then Tom Hanks came out and said he had COVID.

Do you remember that day?

You did one right before that, and then you did one a few months later here in the backyard.

Oh, that's right.

The outdoorsy one.

The outdoor one.

That was fun.

That was fun.

I wonder why.

I wonder why we did that.

In any case, welcome back to number 12.

And we also have Sonny Price here.

Hey, I noticed you got a phone call from your cousin during the break.

Is that

Doctor?

What's his name?

Dr.

Dr.

Tavarius.

Teverius, yes, yes.

And it seemed really heated, and it seemed like there was some trouble going on.

Maybe

I, yeah, I didn't pay the

bill.

Which bill?

Tree bill.

The tree bill.

The tree bill.

Yeah, in the forest, you know, there's all these sort of creatures.

They have their own sort of government going on.

And so you kind of...

So you have to tip everyone and pay all these woodland creatures?

Yeah, yeah, but

you're using leaves as currency.

Oh, okay.

So you just forgot to pay the tree bill.

Yeah, I need to go give a bunch of leaves to a blue heron.

Yeah.

Cool.

Well, you can do that after the show, right?

I can.

Yeah, thanks.

And by the way, guys, thanks for keeping your laughter off, Mike.

Come on.

Well, Sonny Price, great to have you here.

Thank you.

Would it surprise you, though, to learn that we are diverting diverting our attention from you to our next guest?

It doesn't surprise me, no.

We need to get to them.

This is exciting.

She's a dating coach, and she has a new book out we want to hear all about.

Please welcome to the show, Elizabeth Bitch.

Hi, Scott.

Hi, so nice to meet you, Elizabeth.

This is Andy.

Hi, nice to meet you.

And this is Sonny Price.

Hi, I'm the Swallow Packer.

Hey, I could work with that.

You're my client.

You're a dating coach.

That's what you mean when you say you can work with that.

Yes.

You coach people to when they go on dates or how to get dates.

The whole process, I take you through singledom through widowhood and then back around again.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

That's full service.

Yes.

And I have a new book out called Bag That Stag Hag, where I help some of the most busted women find the man of their dreams.

So is it, are you calling the readers the hags?

Yeah, if you're reading the book, you're a hag and you're trying to get Bag That Stag.

Okay, got it.

Wow, so it's a new book.

Wow, this is exciting.

It's a new book, yeah.

What are some of your tips, tricks, methods?

Well, you have to find a book, of course.

Um, but I thought that would be a really uninteresting interview if, like, you just wouldn't tell me anything about your book.

I know.

My preference would be to tell you nothing, but I did bring a couple tips that I would like to share.

Uh, basically, yeah, so I'm taking you through being totally single to widowdom and then back around again.

So, okay, so now how many of us are single here in this room?

Andy, you're hitched.

You're hit.

I believe I'm married.

I'm married to a drawing.

Right, right.

So, well, yeah, this guy maybe he could take over.

Well, don't worry because this is actually more for your wife anyway, because you will die before her

if the stars align.

And then she's going to need me because she's going to need to get a new man because no one wants to be alone these days in Red Pill America.

So

first step that I offer is visualization.

I've got like really cute little like rhymes for every step.

Oh, okay, great.

So what's the rhyme for that?

So visualization, use your mind's eye to find that guy.

So

hey, yeah, I like that.

That's touchy.

Use your mind's eye to find that guy.

Yeah, so for me, I want a guy that's born on Christmas.

So I'm imagining that.

And I attracted my husband of over six months right now.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

He was born on Christmas?

He was born on Christmas.

So that's...

Why were you interested in that?

I don't want to buy gifts.

Oh, I see.

You don't want to buy two gifts.

Or do you just go, hey, they cancel each other out.

I'm not going to get you anything.

It's a negative.

Yeah.

I'm not getting gifts for a guy.

So I wanted someone that was born on christmas so that he was getting gifts from other sources in his life than me okay well that's cool yeah and you've been married six months we've been married six months so you haven't celebrated a christmas together yet Right.

So how do you think it's going to go over with you not buying him gifts this Christmas?

I guess we'll find out.

And if it doesn't work out, we will, of course, start from step one, visualization again.

Okay, well, that's great.

So you visualized it.

It came true.

Yeah.

Is that the only step?

That's just step one.

Step two is chum bucket.

What's this?

Chum bucket?

Chum bucket?

Yes.

So if you want to say yum, you must become chum.

Ladies, you have to subject yourself to a wide dating pool of some of the most hideous, disgusting, ugly men in order to meet the man of your dreams.

Okay, so you're saying lower your standards, in other words.

I'm saying go on a lot of dates.

I encourage my clients to go on upwards of 85 dates per week.

I'm talking eight dinners a night.

You need to be eating.

People like that who like cycle through the apps and do like four a night or five a night, but that seems like a lot.

Eight dinners a night minimum.

And do you eat at all of them?

Of course.

Okay.

Because you want to see if the guy's going to foot the bill.

Ah, see, and so you got to.

You just got to be pumping laxatives every day.

Copy that.

Yeah.

So it's kind of just in and out straight through.

How many dates did you go on before you met?

What's your husband's name, by the way?

Emilio.

Emilio.

So how many dates did you go on before you met?

And I, of course, took his last name.

Oh, what's oh, okay, Emilio Bitch.

Emilio bitch what was your what's your maiden name uh cunt

okay I understand why you wanted to take it at first I was like I wouldn't take that name yeah now I get it yeah I like them both thank you equally uh yeah yeah um so how many dates did you go on with Emilio Bitch 40,000

Wow that's a lot well

high standards yeah wow okay so these are good tips so so put yourself out there kind of the machine gun theory just go on a lot of dates with a lot of people Eventually one of them will hit, right?

Exactly.

Eventually someone's going to want you back and you're going to want them and they're not going to make you want to throw up when you look at their fucking fugly fucked up face.

Right.

Cool.

Yeah.

Okay, so that must be the last step.

Oh, no, there's another step.

Step three is seduction.

So I offer sort of a thong-based approach to seduction.

If your thong isn't showing, his hog isn't growing.

That does rhyme.

Got it.

It does rhyme, which probably means it's true.

Yeah, generally speaking.

So where are you showing your thong?

Do you mean it's sort of a whale tail colour?

Any outfit, yeah.

Ideally, a sliver of whale tail in between shirt and pants.

That's the most easy.

But if that isn't possible, I like to sort of fling it over the shoulder and have

a little bit of thong coming over the tip.

Like they're suspenders or something like that?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Is that confusing?

It's not confusing.

No.

I mean, it just kind of reminds me of like Borat's mankini or something like that.

Yeah, I guess I could see how you can make that comparison.

Has anyone ever said that to you?

Like that, hey, you look like Borat?

No.

That would really hurt my feelings if someone said that to me.

I wouldn't look at that.

I just mean in a swimsuit to be like, they should have said your style of like.

Yes, that would be better.

That would hurt my feelings.

Like, hey, your thong looks like Borat's Man Keen.

Yes, more specific.

That would be more accurate.

Yeah, that would definitely really, really make me feel bad.

Someone said that to me.

I won't say it then.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

And I just want to plug Shameless Plug

that i actually do sell a branded thong um okay branded with

um it's it's the hag thong um it's sort of a fanny pack situation where you have everything you need for a date in there so you've got condom morning after pill and a gallon of lube hidden inside of the thong wow gallon gallon yeah that's a lot is it in like a little pocket like a secret pocket it's sort of spread throughout all the way like across the thong so you have to perforate the thong to get the lube out or it's like

style.

Oh, it's loose.

It's loose.

Yeah.

So you're kind of sitting on and like it's all the lube is surrounding you for the moment.

Yeah.

I noticed you have your midsection is sort of,

it looks like it has a gallon of lube around it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You're looking.

That's nice.

I mean, when you mentioned it, I just wanted to look down.

No, take a picture.

It'll last longer.

Tip.

Is that tip four?

No, that one's just off the cuff, something I invented by myself.

Oh, okay, great.

What's tip four?

Well, oh, tip four is dissociation.

Um,

so when the guy sings his tune, go to the moon.

Anytime a guy starts talking, just kind of zone out.

Go to your mind palace, go to the moon, go wherever you have to go to not hear the horrible stuff that you're hearing.

Right.

Got it.

Can we give it a shot right now?

Can I say something?

And yeah.

Hey, Andy, did you know that one of your heroes was actually born on Christmas?

Oakland A's MVP, Ricky Henderson.

Did you know that, Andy?

I didn't know that.

This is a cool conversation.

Now, you've been disassociating the whole time.

I heard some noises.

Yeah, I was thinking about Snow White.

Oh, which one?

Yeah.

The bad one, the problematic one, where there was fighting on set.

Well, that's a good, I mean, that's a good tip, but it sounds like, I mean, is that what you did with Emilio?

Tune out?

Yeah.

Of course.

You haven't been doing it with me this whole time, have you?

What?

All right.

What's tip five?

Well, this is sort of a sub-tip.

Okay, so tip four B?

Tip 4B, because we're kind of in seduction.

You don't want to look desperate, right?

You don't want to text back too soon.

Okay.

So I like to wait four years to text back.

Dang.

Four years.

Is that what happened with Emilio?

Waited four years because by that time, there's a new president.

So you'll have something guaranteed you can talk about.

Did he earn a degree in the meanwhile?

He did earn a degree, cosmetology.

Did he at least go to one Olympics game?

He tried to go, but unfortunately, he had to protest the unethical labor practices that were being used to put on the Olympics.

Okay, but he must have gone to a World Cup game.

He did go to a World Cup game.

Okay, good, good.

Andy, anything?

Just, I just, there's nothing else you could talk about, though?

In the four years?

Well, like, if you wanted to talk a little bit sooner.

I was going on lots of dates during that time.

I was pretty busy.

Understood.

At night.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay.

So, so, Emilio, the

date that you went on, your first date with him was in 2021 or so.

You don't text back for four years.

Yeah.

You finally text back and then now you're married.

Yeah, I texted him a bare picture of my ring finger.

So it's a bare picture and then also your ring finger?

Well, it's my nude ring finger.

Yeah, unringed.

I see barely.

Unringed.

Yeah.

Okay.

Naked as a bone.

And he just picked up on that and was like, marry me.

Yeah.

Wow.

I mean, it works.

Yeah.

Is that what the show Barry was about?

I hope so.

If it was about anything else, I'm not tuning in.

Oh.

I mean, so what was the text back, if you, if you don't mind me asking?

It was a picture of the biggest fucking rock you've ever seen in your life.

So put those two things together.

Yeah, geode.

Wow.

Do you mind if I take a look?

Or blam, look at that.

That looks like it was enlarged by your cousin, Dr.

Tiverius.

That is gorgeous.

Yeah.

What does Emilia do for a living?

He designs missiles.

Missiles?

What, like ICBMs or Raytheon?

Yes, he has very high up at Raytheon, which I love.

Cool.

In a man, yeah.

Yeah.

So he must be so cool to work at Raytheon as a man.

He must talk about that all the time at home.

I wouldn't know, but I did see his ID that said that he worked at Raytheon and he worked in the missile department.

So you tuned out everything he said and then you had to look for clues, like his ID.

Yeah, for like the longevity of the relationship, it's best for me to not listen to anything that he says because it's going to piss me the fuck off.

But I did look at his ID.

That's cool.

I mean, he sounds like a nice guy.

I'm glad.

He's a really good guy.

He does really good work.

Yeah.

Sweet.

And

you like him.

I mean, you're happy.

I would say that I am as happy as a person like me could be.

I see.

Okay.

I mean, that's you, you, I mean, you seem happy.

I do seem happy.

I don't know.

I don't know that these sound like very specific instructions for people.

I don't know that they would work on the public at large necessarily.

Why?

Well, I mean,

it seems like it worked for you, and that's great.

I just don't know the tip about not texting anyone back for four years and then just texting a picture of your bare finger.

I'm just waiting to hear the problem with that.

Yeah, I, first of all, I mean, I would say, like, why are you, you know, I would assume it was someone flipping me off or something like that, but

why?

Because of because it's next to the one that's bad?

I guess you like you would be a confused person then

because the one in the middle is the one that's flipping off.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good one.

The bad one, the bad one, yeah, the bad one.

Yeah, we hate that finger, don't we?

We hate that finger, don't we, folks?

It's a bad finger, it is.

Fobbs points it at me.

No,

you need to confront that person.

I'm trying to avoid that confrontation.

I just don't know that these are applicable to

regular people.

I think that my experience is universal.

So the next step is matrimony.

So there's another step.

Yes, matrimony, which you kind of have already teased.

So you want to, I mean, that one's easy.

You just want to have a huge destination wedding, which is many, with as many people invited as human lives.

Destination wedding.

Expensive.

Where did you go?

I went to Iceland

and I invited 2,000 people and insisted that they all come on their own dime.

How many people?

Yes.

How many showed up?

How many showed up?

Yeah.

1,999.

It's a lot of people.

My cousin didn't come.

It was actually really upsetting.

Step six, fingers crossed, widowhood.

Right, yeah.

Yes.

Because the man usually dies before the woman.

Yes.

So we're aiming to lose them between two to three years after the marriage.

Two to three.

I mean, how old is Emilio?

97, Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I mean, that's too old to be still making missiles, I think.

Yeah, you would think there would be a cutoff in how long you can be making and or firing long-range missiles, but on the same side.

Does he fire them too?

I don't know.

He comes back with residue on his hand.

The equivalent of missiles?

Totally.

Wow.

Sounds like a wild guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, in so many ways.

Now, is it always widowhood because of

marrying an older guy like Emilio?

Or do you sometimes is there black widowhood in the mix as well?

I encourage all kinds of widowhood, anything to just ensure that you get to keep it moving.

You want to keep everything in your life moving, your body, your bowels, your romantic life.

So, honey, don't listen to this.

You're talking to your picture right now.

Oh, she's gorgeous.

Thanks.

I agree.

So, you might be on the market pretty soon, I would think.

Yeah, if all goes well, I'll be back on the market going on 85 dates per week, eating eight dinners per night.

I mean, it sounds great.

I just don't know whether it would work for me.

Are you trying to move on?

No,

I'm pretty happy where I am right now.

So then all good, I guess.

So the goal is to go through as many marriages as possible?

Yeah, just to keep things interesting because otherwise, you know, if you look around and you see that you're doing the same thing every day, you might want to just lay down and never get up.

Right.

And are you continuing to text people from four years ago after you've been married, or do you put a pause on that?

Every time I go on a date and I set an alarm for four years, and then I text the person right on the dot, my bare finger, and then sometimes it leads to something.

Oh, actually, your alarm is going off on your phone right now.

Did you have to make that?

Did you go out on a date four years ago?

I did.

Oh, okay.

Do you need to text him back?

I mean, is it rude to be texting?

Yeah, go ahead.

Text a ring a podcast.

I think we're all curious to see what comes back.

Yeah.

Okay, so you're texting a picture of your bare finger.

My bare finger.

Well, because I have to take off the ring.

You also had to take off your fingerless gloves.

I noticed.

Your Oliver style.

Well, I don't have old hands from Los Angeles son.

Okay.

The nightmare would be to have old hands.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

In this economy.

Yeah.

All right.

So you've taken a picture of your finger.

Yeah.

And you've sent it.

I've sent it.

No, it's just waiting.

It has been delivered.

Oh.

And he is married.

Okay.

Wow, that was a quick turnaround, though.

I don't know whether I would get back to someone that immediately that I went on one date with four years ago and got married in the internet.

How did he phrase it?

He was like, I can see that you sent me a naked finger picture, which means you want me to marry you, but I need you to know that I'm already married.

Wow.

Are you reading it?

That's crazy.

Oh, no.

That's nice.

Word for word.

Yeah.

But, you know,

it.

I just appreciate a quick response.

It's a numbers game, you know, and people always remember me because of step number three, Thong seduction with a big gallon of lube.

Right, right.

What if he had said yes?

What then you're in a sticky situation, right?

Because you're already married.

Normally, it works out.

Normally, there's like a death or a divorce.

Yeah.

Again, it's just numbers.

Also, wedding planning can take quite some time.

So

you can stagger it.

I usually start the wedding planning before the other wedding is done.

Yeah.

Your marriage.

You don't necessarily want overlap, but you want as much downtime.

I don't mind overlap as possible.

Overlap is fine.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I mean, it's not for everyone, but it is for me.

How many times have you been married?

14.

Yeah.

What was your favorite destination wedding?

My favorite destination wedding was Morocco.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Thanks for asking.

How many people came to that one?

525,600.

That's a lot of people.

A lot of people.

Yeah.

Is that what they made the song about?

That's a parody song of your destination wedding?

Yes, it is.

Jonathan Larson was there.

Wow.

Yeah.

And I told him how many people, and he was like, can I write that down?

I said, of course you can.

You don't need to ask my permission to write stuff down.

You do need to give me commission if you use the number, of course.

And which he did.

So, so are you just naturally rich from I'm naturally rich, yes, from 500.

You're all natural rich?

I'm all natural rich, entirely fake body.

So, why do you do this?

Why do you need a husband if you're rich from the royalties from rent?

I'm depressed.

Oh,

that's where I come in.

You know, yeah, Sonny Price here, he's not actually married, but it sounds like that's not a deal breaker for you.

Not at all.

But yeah, he's on the run from Fobbs.

You know,

even hearing his name makes my blood boil.

But,

you know, he's available here.

You're not rich.

You don't have that six-figure bank account.

No, I get it.

I get.

There are six-figures.

Yes, but they're behind a decimal point.

Plus infinite.

Because it's pie.

Exactly.

That's why I never get a check.

They keep waiting for the number to get a hand.

They can't.

So I know it's coming.

It just hasn't been written yet.

But what do you think of Sonny Price over here?

Is he someone you would go out on one date with?

Yes, of course.

One date minimum.

Yeah.

And is there any kind of spark here?

I mean, you're going to be a widow soon.

Fingers crossed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm hoping for an accident in the lab.

Dr.

Trevarius hates accidents in the lab.

Does he have one of those signs, like zero days since an accident in the lab?

Exactly.

Yeah.

I mean, he might just die of old age, is what I'm trying to say.

You hope for an accident in the lab before old age?

I just think it's cleaner that way.

Like if a guy just blows up.

My dream is always that a guy just blows up.

Just blows up.

How many times has that happened out of the 14 people you've been married to?

Four.

Four people have blown up just spontaneously?

Yeah.

Are you sure it wasn't your current husband sending missiles to them?

Oh, wow.

I mean, it would be amazing to be wanted in that way.

Yeah.

In any case, I mean, Sonny Price is here.

He's available.

If you want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it.

You'll pay?

That's so romantic.

In a second, but we haven't been on a first one.

You got to go on the first one first.

When you say we, you mean the Comedy Bam Game podcast.

No, I mean Andy and I.

I wasn't really watching.

No, no, no.

Come on.

Let's pay for this.

Where are they going to go?

Yeah.

Where do you guys want to go on your second date?

I'll let the lady choose.

A lobster roll convention?

A convention?

That sounds good.

LRC.

Wow.

But you would have to fly there.

I'm assuming it's in Boston.

First-class lobster roll convention.

Hotel must be over 12 stories high.

I get a new ball gown and a bracelet.

Okay, so that run approximately.

Yeah, we're talking at least four grand or so.

I mean, minimum.

That's if I'm being generous with my dress selection, which I won't be because I know you're on TV.

So what are we talking?

Are we talking 10-12?

Yeah.

And by the way.

And then we're splitting splitting that?

Yeah.

What do you want the split to be?

I was assuming 80-20, I would take to 80.

Yeah, sure.

I'll pay more.

It sounds good.

You're on Digman right now.

My show's done for.

And I went front row tickets to whatever showing at the Wilbur Theater.

Yeah.

Oh, damn it.

Well, the price just spiked.

But you know what?

I'm still down.

I'm still down.

Yeah, we'll do it.

But you have to go on your first date first.

Okay.

And then this is the second.

Yeah, this is the second date.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then also, you said after the first date, you don't text them back for four years.

So I guess we're paying for this in four years, Andy?

Fine by me.

You've got plenty of time to save up.

Yeah.

I'll save, yeah, $100 a week.

I'll let my wife know.

Okay, great.

We'll set aside some cash

out of the old scholarship funds.

Yep.

Yeah, that fucked the kids.

Yeah.

Well, this sounds great.

I mean, I think you guys, are you attracted to Elizabeth Bitch here, Sonny?

Yeah, she exists in more dimensions than my current wife.

Yeah.

That's so sweet.

Yeah.

One more dimension, right?

One, yeah.

Yeah.

What if she existed in two more dimensions?

Hmm.

I'm trying to picture it in some sort of metaphysical knot shape.

Yeah, I guess the fourth dimension is time.

Oh, I guess she does then.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, I'd love to go on a date, Dr.

Bitch.

Doctor?

Hey, I don't think you're a doctor, are you?

That's nice.

You're thinking of Dr.

Treveris.

Dr.

Treveris.

Well, this sounds great.

I think we have a good pairing here.

So congratulations, guys.

Thanks so much.

Did you think you would find love when you came on the show?

No, and I still don't think I have, but I think I'll go on a nice date.

Okay, that's a deal.

I don't feel like finding love is even part of the

quest.

No, I'm trying to fill the time while I'm awake.

Yeah.

So as to not lie down and never get back up.

Yeah.

How often do you sleep a night?

How often?

How many hours?

At least once per night,

ideally.

I guess I mean how many hours.

I'm aiming to sleep 18 hours per day, ideally.

And then I just get up for the dinners.

Oh, yeah.

And my job.

Oh, where do you work?

My self-employed matchmaker.

Oh, okay.

From the book?

Yeah, yeah, no.

I guess I assumed you had a day job because I can't imagine anyone paying for this book or paying you for advice.

Are you like this with all of your guests?

Yeah, pretty much.

What an amazing experience.

That's definitely fired.

I mean, the book's out now.

I don't know.

And it looks like you read, it looks about 10 pages and you just read everything everything in the 10 pages.

I don't know why anyone would buy this book.

How much does the book cost though?

Just $62.

Okay, I'll get one.

Well, well, well.

Do you want to go 80-20 on this?

Yeah, yeah.

And then we'll like trade off weeks who has the book.

I think it might take me.

It sounds like, you know, it's only 10 pages and she read everything.

I think it could take the week.

Okay, yeah, sure.

All right.

But don't like write all your thoughts in the margins.

Okay.

All right.

Just some of my thoughts.

I want to come to my own conclusions about the book that we're sharing week to week.

God damn it.

All right.

You're going to write your thoughts in the margins?

Of course.

I'm paying 80%.

I want margin rights.

Fine.

I can't.

I'll pay you 30%.

I can't.

But you still pay 80%.

No, now I'm paying 90% and you get the margins.

All right.

Well, Elizabeth, bitch,

what more needs to be said?

Incredible stuff.

Good luck with the book.

Thank you.

We are running out of time, however.

We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Oh, yeah.

That was Plug That Funk by Nels for Smells.

I didn't realize Nels for Smells went electric.

I almost cut the power during it.

I was so upset.

You're yelling, Judas.

Thanks, Nels for Smells.

If you have a plug theme, head over to cbbworld.com/slash plugs, and you'll find everything you need there for remixes and for plug themes to upload them.

All right, guys, what are we plugging?

Obviously, Rip Digman is back this Wednesday.

He's back.

I gave you another taste.

What's up?

And eight episodes.

They come out every seven days or so.

I think that's roughly the plan.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It might slip to eight or nine.

Yeah, but we'll see maybe what Skydance wants to do.

Yeah, sure.

This Wednesday, and you can catch up on the entire first season on Paramount Plus.

This is a very funny show.

Everyone has to check it out.

And of course, you have the Seth Meyers Lonely Island podcast.

Yes.

Thank you for bringing that up on a podcast.

And that comes up, and I usually don't like to plug other podcasts because I'm a little worried someone's going to go, like, I just want to listen to that instead.

Right.

And turn mine off.

That would be the fear.

Yeah, exactly.

And I guess at this point, they would have listened to pretty much all of this one.

So that's pretty good.

Yeah.

I think we have another five good minutes in us.

It would be wild if someone had listened to every episode of yours and then just now you plug in.

Oh, there's another podcast.

They were like, well, there's other ones?

Better ones?

Immediately bailed it.

No.

Better.

Give me a break.

Come on.

Your life is fascinating.

Hearing those

behind-the-scenes tidbits.

Yeah.

And we're like, and then I was all rap, rap, fake comedy, rap, ribbity, ribbity, rap.

And that's what happened.

But no, I mean, have you gotten up to like the super popular ones yet?

We've done some of the super popular ones.

Thanks for calling them that.

Yeah, you know what?

The I'm on a boat.

We did I'm on a boat.

The dick-in-a-boxes.

We did the dick-in-a-box episode.

Do you call the other people involved?

Like, do you call Timberlake and all that and go like, hey, do you want to talk about this?

We get voice notes from people, but we did not get one from Timberlake and we did not get one from T-Pain.

Trouble in pain.

Do you want to put them on last here?

Well, we didn't ask.

Oh, okay.

That's a problem.

Now, I would be remiss if I didn't bring up the other thing your publicist wanted me to bring up, which is, of course, that you're in a little movie called The Roses.

Oh.

It's coming up in a few short weeks.

Are you not?

Thank you, publicists.

Beautiful Sunita Mani.

That's right.

We had so much fun.

Yeah.

Now, this is Benedict Cumberbatch and Olivia Coleman.

This is a Benedict and Olivia top liner.

Yeah.

And also me and Kate McKinnon and Sunita and Chuti

and

Jamie Dimitrio.

Very funny.

Sethlet's flats.

And this is a J-roach joint.

It's a roach joint.

Usually it's the exact same word.

It's the roach of the joint.

It's a J joint roach sometimes.

But this is a remake or a reimagining of the movie The War of the Roses, which was a Danny DeVito from The Twisted Mind of Danny DeVito.

Was it twisted or demented?

I can't remember exactly.

Hey, that one had Dan Castelanetta.

Oh, speaking of him.

Yeah, we were talking about him earlier.

Exactly.

You weren't here.

I wasn't here, but I passed a guy on the way.

Who was talking?

They were just talking about the Agas Lanette.

Yeah, that's what he told me.

You know what's wild?

That guy is very close with Fran, who you passed on the way out.

And I know you were asking about her.

I got to go chase after this guy.

When does the Roses come out?

August.

Let's say 29th.

29th, I think so, yeah.

That's my guess.

Yeah, fantastic.

And I saw the trailer for it the other day.

It's really good.

Yeah.

Oh, great.

Yeah.

Tony McNamara wrote it.

He's, you know, the favorite and the great and poor things.

And it's all just great people, and it turned out great.

Awesome.

All right.

Well, Sonny Price, what do you want to plug?

I also am excited for Digman.

My whole life around this summer is going to be centered around watching Digman.

I won't even let Fobbs get in the way of me viewing it.

What if Fobbs catches you while you're watching this?

It'll become our final battle.

Oh.

But it sounds like he'll catch you, though.

He'll probably lay out a trap and I'll fall for it.

Sure.

What's the trap?

Like sitting you down in front of having a TV plugged in and it's we're in South Park.

Oh, Oh, so Digman comes on after South Park on Wednesdays, and then I go to sit down to watch.

I'm in a cage all of a sudden,

the insects of the forest band together to free me.

How do they do that?

They like form the shape of a lock, like an ant lock,

yes, that's that they've done that before.

Yes, wow,

I really think you might want to lean into these stories.

Yeah,

people want to hear about that positivity stuff.

I do.

No, thank you.

Um, well, that's fantastic.

Digman this Wednesday.

And Elizabeth Bitch, what do you want to plug?

I guess for me, I want to plug the little television program called Digman.

Oh.

Yeah.

I've been watching it on Paramount Plus in anticipation of season two coming out on July 1st.

This is a dandy flower production, right?

Yes, I'm a huge dandy flower head because of

the bad thing.

Yes.

Yeah, and I'm watching Digman and I'm laughing and I'm thinking, oh my God, the main guy's funny.

and oh my God, the main girl, she's a little shrill, but she's pretty funny too.

I'll keep watching, even though there's a girl in this.

Are you a fan of executive producers Allie Bell, Chris Prinoski, Shannon Prinoski, Antonio

Cannobio and Ben Kalina?

I just got full body chills.

Those were five of my favorite producers.

Yeah.

Fantastic.

That was a great day.

If I wasn't already running to my laptop, I would be right now.

Yeah.

Well, this is great.

Digman comes out this Wednesday, season two.

All episodes are available on Paramount Plus.

Currently, all episodes of season one.

And what do I want to plug?

Obviously, Digman,

big fan.

Could not appreciate that more.

But also, if you want to hear the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang, every episode ad-free, as well as new episodes ad-free, you go head over to cbbworld.com.

You'll get all of that.

You'll get

our other shows Scott hasn't seen, where I watch movies I've never seen before and talk about them with Spreg the Whisperer.

We also have CBB Presents,

where people host who have been on this show host their own shows.

So much stuff over there.

Ad Free Freedom, College Town, the Neighborhood List, and so much stuff over there.

Head over there, CBBWorld.com.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Open the blood bag with me.

dude.

Open up, open up, open up, open up, open up, open.

Please don't close it and be

rude.

Open up, open up, open, open up, open up, open.

Open up my bag with me,

dude.

Open up, open up, open up, open up, open up, open.

I said it's not time to close it up just yet.

All right, that was Plug Bag Theme 2025 by Colby Keys.

Thanks so much to Colby Keys.

And I want to thank you very much, Andy Sandberg, for making your record-breaking 12th appearance on the show.

For me, thank you so much, Scott.

It was great to see you.

And I am not just saying that.

And I want you to catch up with Jason Manzukas.

And I don't want him to die, though.

No, no, no.

I'll let him live.

Yeah, good.

Because kids me, I fucking love that guy.

I love that guy.

You've been watching Taskmaster?

I haven't.

You got it.

But my friend Greg is the host, Greg Davis.

You know Greg.

We did a show on the BBC called Cuckoo.

I know the plug bag is close.

Yeah, you were in Cuckoo together.

Yeah, yeah.

It's a great show.

You got to check it out.

Thank you.

And Sonny Price.

Yeah.

Can you come back next time and talk about the interesting stuff?

You know, I mean, if I have some new positivity angles, I will, yeah.

No, but I mean, like, it sounds like you have a real Javert kind of like relationship, 24601 relationship.

You know, that was my prisoner number.

Yeah.

That was your prisoner number?

It was, yeah.

Dude, why didn't you come on and talk about any of this stuff?

There's too many twists and turns.

We like twists and turns.

Mystical magic.

Mystical magic?

You never even brought up mystical magic.

The lamp is like tent pole material.

Hmm.

Plastic.

Also, tent poles.

You should use those in the forest.

I think.

Because aren't you just sleeping out in the open?

Leave no trace.

Leaves, of course.

And then, Elizabeth Bitch.

A pleasure.

Pleasure.

Good luck with you.

Have you gotten any texts

since we last checked?

Anything from any past dates?

You must be texting so many people a day.

I'm texting eight people a day minimum.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

And no bites yet.

No bites yet, but tomorrow's a better day.

I hope.

It seems like Amelia was an outlier.

Like, you know, he's just weird enough to text you back and say, let's do this.

Yeah, I take that as a compliment.

Yeah.

Well, congrats.

And I would, you know, the other thing is, Sonny, next time a year, I want to hear about your first and second date here.

Oh, okay.

So I'll come back in four years.

Okay.

See you then.

A lot like the timekeeper.

That sounds funny.

All right.

We'll see you next time.

Thanks.

Bye.

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