Zip Your Lip, Eat The Key (Josh Gondelman, Vic Michaelis, Zach Reino)

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At the University of Arizona, we believe that everyone is born with wonder.

That thing that says, I will not accept this world that is.

While it drives us to create what could be,

that world can't wait to see what you'll do.

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Comedy bangbang.

Comedy bang bang.

Comedy bangbang.

Comedy bang bang.

See you later, alligator, or in a bit, you fucking hypocrite.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Ah, thank you to Booty and the Ho Fish for that catchphrase submission submitted in January of 2023.

And I'm just getting around to it.

But thank you, Booty and the Ho Fish.

Hope you're still a listener.

Who knows if you are.

But welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

My name is Scott Ackerman.

I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang, and we have an exceptional show this week.

Coming up a little later, we have a trainer.

We also have a longevity expert.

But first,

let's get to our guest of honor.

We have a

look, I've said it before, I'll say it again.

Hopefully, stars are back.

Stars are back on Comedy Bang Bang.

This is how I found out I'm getting bumped.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, Josh?

You gotta go.

No, he is a stand-up comedian.

He is a three-time Emmy Award winner, I believe.

Four time.

Four.

Let me look at this Wikipedia page you have here.

This says three.

I edited it so that people say three and then I correct them to four.

Oh, okay.

What's the fourth?

Because you have three for writing John Oliver.

All for John Oliver.

So you won a fourth one in when?

2020?

2019.

That's the last one that's on here.

So I have four nominations and three wins on your Wikipedia page.

What do we need to change?

Okay, I think we were nominated.

Do you have so many Emmys you forgot how many that you have?

Well, I brought one to my parents' house.

That's what a lot of people were doing at the time, the staff, like, because they've won a million in a row.

and right i've since departed the show which is uh you know movie the departed was about you i think leaving john alvar that's right yeah leonardo diaprio played he shoots you in the face at the end right it was an honor to be shot in the face by leonardo diaprio it was because i turned 26.

okay right

this is the kind of comedy he's known for by the way topical

just out there knowing everything about pop culture

I brought one to my parents' house, though, and it became immediately controversial where my mom was like, well, put it right on the mantle in the front room.

And my dad took it and put it up where my mom couldn't reach behind a picture of me and my sister in a different room.

And she was like, Well, it should be more prominently on display.

And my dad was like, Well, we didn't win it.

You got to take it back at that point.

You got it.

You have to repossess her.

I couldn't let my dad win that much because I think that's what we would have preferred.

But so I have one nominated in 2015.

Yeah.

No win.

No win.

Nominated in 2016, win.

Yep.

Nominated 2017, win.

Yep.

Nominated 2019 win.

What about 2018?

2018 win.

What is going on on this Wikipedia page?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Oh, my God.

I wish I still had editing status, but for some reason, I've been banned for two years.

You've been a renegade.

I accidentally clicked edit on a page the other day and it said you still have one year and 11 months left on your two-year ban.

I was like, who banned?

They had banned you one month before.

Yeah,

I've never edited a Wikipedia thing.

I didn't, I wonder what you were, what they, what you were banned for.

I don't know.

I gotta, I gotta figure this out.

We gotta get to the bottom of this.

That's still on podcast.

I don't want to give away my IP address, though.

My assassination coordinates, IP-wise.

But he is a now, I guess, four-time Emmy Award winner.

Where do you keep the other three?

The other three are on top of a dresser in our little home office

of a dresser.

And they are covered in geez.

Oh, they are.

Yeah, I went parody.

I didn't do on top of old Smokey.

Went on top of spaghetti.

I used to teach preschool.

That's how my brain goes.

He has a new stand-up comedy special on YouTube, I believe.

On YouTube, which I have watched approximately 10 minutes of.

Thank you, and it's dynamite this morning before you got here.

I'll tell you what, 10 more minutes more than you had to.

Well, I was like, am I being sent this special or not?

And then I realized it was already up.

So, so at that point, I had to scramble.

Uh, it's called Positive Reinforcement.

Please welcome Josh Gondelman.

Thank you so much for having me, Scott.

Yes, welcome to the One Timers Club.

Thank you.

Yeah,

it's an honor.

Yeah.

You are a New York comedian.

I am.

At least centered in New York.

I'm just looking at your Wikipedia page for errors right now.

Yeah, we can fact-check it.

Apparently, born in Stoneham, Massachusetts.

Stoneham, Massachusetts.

Stoneham.

You say it the proper way.

Well, we pronounce everything all stupid up there.

What is it about stone hams?

Like, who's ever made a stone ham?

I don't know.

I've seen a statue of a pig once.

That's probably as close as it gets.

Yeah.

Where was the statue of a pig?

It was in the Charlotte's Web, web,

wherever she wrote that.

Who wrote that?

E.B.

White.

E.B.

White.

There's an E.B.

White joke in the special.

There is.

Yes.

Is that minute at 11?

Yeah.

You just missed it.

What's the E.B.

White joke?

I have to know what this is.

It is a joke about people

who are annoying about grammar with people using non-binary pronouns, people who are like, oh, I can't do that because it's bad grammar.

And I say, I didn't realize you were such a Strunken White fan.

And then I call Strunk the Garfunkel of the group, but say, I love the dirty Strunk Funk.

It is incredible.

Where does E.B.

White come in?

E.B.

White is the white of Strunken White.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Charlotte's Webb,

E.B.

White is the white of Strunk and White.

What?

Or we're going to have to re-edit this fucker.

Oh, my God.

I got to look this up.

Hold on.

Now I'm going to a different Wikipedia page.

No, I don't like that.

Oh, my gosh.

E.B.

White.

Stars are back and E.B.

White is here.

Now I love Strunken White.

Okay, I thought E.B.

was a she, but E.B., although we don't know.

Elwyn.

Elwyn Brooks White.

Would not have guessed Elwyn.

Elwyn, yeah.

With the gun to my.

Co-author of The Elements of Style.

You don't see a lot of that

drunken white kind of thing in Charlotte's Webb, really, all that.

I guess you don't pay attention to it when you're reading it, but it just reads really well.

I think when Charlotte writes on the web, it really pays attention to those principles of concise writing, just like some pig.

And now I haven't read it in a number of decades.

Charlotte's Webb writes stuff on these webs, right?

Like writes words or something.

Yeah, Charlotte.

I don't think her name is Charlotte Swebb, the spider.

Is it Charlotte's Webb?

I think Charlotte.

Yeah, I think Charlotte is the spider.

Charlotte is a spider.

Who writes

books in webs?

I think it's just like slogans.

Slogans.

Yeah, it's just like little things, right?

It'll be like spectacular.

Or like, it's a lot of.

All lives matter.

In this web, we believe.

This is the type of comedy he's known for.

This kind of topical pop culture.

Children's books from the, I want to say, 1720s.

That's so funny that you have an E.B.

White joke, although sharing it with Strunk.

Yeah, it's a half E.B.

White joke, half...

I don't know.

Who's Strunk?

Do not know.

We got it.

Okay.

Now

I'm going over to the Elements of Style Wikipedia page.

William Strunk Jr.

Billy Strunk.

Now, this was written in 1918.

Should we still be reading it?

You know what I mean?

It is.

There is a lot of questionable, problematic material in it.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I think any, like, what's the cutoff for books?

Like, we should be reading books from, like, I think 2020 on.

Okay.

Yeah.

And that's it, right?

That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Anything before that, it's dicey.

It's, it's, first of all, it's irrelevant.

Exactly.

What does it have to do with our lives?

Yeah.

What's it going to say to me, 1918?

Hello, rolled doll and all your weird views.

Why do I have to read you?

Yeah,

we can write a new book about a chocolate factory.

There's been enough time.

You and I should do this.

We should do this.

Scott and Josh and Charlie of the chocolate factory.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what about Charlotte and her web?

She could be there too.

Yeah, we'll put her in there.

That's why not.

Yeah.

So probably bad for the health inspectors, the chocolate factory.

Oh, there's no health inspectors.

I think the oompa loompas like divert them anytime they walk in.

They're feeling their palms.

Oh, you think they're bribing them?

I thought they were, there was like a series of diversions where they're like, look over there.

Oh, and then they just go out through a big slot.

Yeah, exactly.

Turned into TVs.

Is that what happens in Charlie at the chocolate Factory?

Something turns into a TV?

Now, I've gone so far away from your Wikipedia page.

Now I have to go back to it.

I have to navigate my...

Okay, now I'm back.

Graduated from Brandeis University.

Brandeis University.

Brandeis or Brandeis?

Brandeis.

Brandeis University in 2007.

2007.

Where you double majored in creative writing.

That's going to help with our book.

Big.

And English.

We're going to write it in English.

I think that's the best choice for us.

You're the perfect collaborator.

Thank you, Scott.

I am very excited for this project.

And you minored in Spanish.

I did.

And you, are you fluent in Spanish?

Because I know you taught it.

I did teach it and I am not and was never fluent.

You don't have to be, right?

I was wildly, it is a, when you, people talk about like Nepo kid jobs, my mom was the director of a small private school and she hired me to teach Spanish at that time.

You were a Spanish teaching nepo baby.

Wow.

I mean, I'm making up that.

Sounds like you're pretty good at it.

So I don't know.

That's what the kids thought.

Now, you started doing stand-up comedy in Boston when you were 19 years old.

I'm just going to read your Wikipedia page for the listeners.

I need you to know that I'm totally okay with this and also wildly uncomfortable.

The inside of me is roiling like.

Have you edited your own page?

I once was asked to go.

I used to have a show on like Facebook Watch or something.

Thank you.

I used to have this show where I would edit celebrities' Wikipedia pages with them.

And then someone interviewed me and flipped it.

So like this was probably probably 2018 or 2017 was the last time I was.

Pre-before we have to pay attention to this, right?

2020 really is.

That's right.

Because the world got more attuned to the issues of the day in 2020.

Didn't we all have the black squares on our Instagram?

You have a joke about that in the first 10 minutes of your special.

You did stand up in Boston for seven years and occasionally returns.

Wow.

That's

real.

That was edited by my mom.

It's nice that you occasionally return.

But man, when those

Boston crowds see you return, they're like, wow,

it's been occasional.

After college, this is weird.

Why not talk about this pre-doing the stand-up?

I don't know.

But after college, you worked as a preschool teacher, taught elementary school Spanish.

In 2011, Gondelman moved to New York City where his then-girlfriend lived to pursue stand-up comedy.

That's right.

Does she still live there?

They live here now.

And what's the nature of your relationship now with this person?

We are warm friends.

There's a joke about them in the special.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Okay.

I got it.

I got to watch it.

It's actually right after the E.B.

White one.

Is it?

Okay.

Back to back.

All right.

During this time, he also began doing freelance writing.

Wow.

A lot going on in this Wikipedia.

He co-wrote his first major story.

So your first major story.

How many major stories have you written?

It might just be the one.

You've got to see what Wikipedia says.

Both sides of a breakup with his ex-girlfriend.

It was published in New York magazine in 2012.

That's, oh man, that's 13 years ago.

You need to write another major story.

Well, we got this book coming up.

I don't know if I'll have the time.

Yeah, that's true.

In 2013, he wrote a story for Esquire describing his experience running in a tough mudder race.

What's a tough mutter race?

I could click on the Wikipedia page, but I'm worried I'm not going to find yours again.

It is like a 10 to 12 mile adult obstacle course.

Adult always makes it sound sexual.

It's an obstacle course for people

or naked people, and it's a sex obstacle course.

Stuff that you fit in your butt, stuff that you put in your mouth, stuff that you spit out of your mouth.

Yeah, all the holes.

He has also written for McSweeneys.

You know, folks, we love the holes, don't we?

He has also written for McSweeney's, The New Yorker, and The New York Times.

The old gray lady, the paper of record.

Tarnished image these days.

I write all the stuff people hate.

How do you feel about writing for such a company that's under duress right now?

The New York Times.

People love it for the games app, but they can't separate them.

I mostly pitch them wordle ideas oh really i'm like have you done sport

uh yeah i think we got that one what about click here's the thing about wordle

they let you enter words that aren't actual solution words and they go and then when you read the wordlebot they're like oh it's a valid guess but in my experience that's not uh ever going to be a solution in wordle it's like well don't let me fucking enter

yeah that's not fair i hate them in october 2015 a book co-authored by Gondelman and Joe Berkowitz.

So you're a co-author as well.

I'm a co-author.

I have experience.

I'm an experienced co-author.

Okay, okay.

I need you to write 20 chapters by next week.

By next week.

Yeah.

You can do this?

Yeah.

It's easy, right?

How many total chapters are we thinking?

20, 20.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you'll put that Ackerman Paul sheet on.

Oh, yeah.

The sheen.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

I can't imagine what's blah, blah, blah.

If you read everything

as a stand-up, he's open for John Oliver, Jen Kirkman, and Pete Holmes, and also performs

regularly

at New York City venues.

Oh, man, I love the New York City venues.

Love a venue.

That city has good venues.

Many.

And I'm there regularly, as opposed to Boston, where I only am occasionally.

Occasionally, of course.

Everything's the best.

His debut album came out in 2011.

His second album, Physical Whisper, was released on March 18, 2016.

Okay, so

not specific, kind of vague about the day in 2011 for your first, but then you very specific, March 18th in 2016.

Hmm.

I don't know.

People really started to focus in on me in those interesting days.

Yeah, okay.

So it was just like, yeah, I think something came out in 2011, but then people are paying attention.

Okay, we're sitting up and taking notice.

But then in 2010, he won the Laughing Skull Comedy Festival in Atlanta, Georgia.

But then it took him six years to make his late night debut.

Did they Conan win there?

No, it doesn't say it that way.

That's mean,

sort of.

Editorializing.

Editorializing because, like, what?

You win this festival in 2010, and then Conan takes no notice of you until 2016,

and then you're not on this show until 2025.

What's going on?

A lot of oversights.

You're a late bloomer here.

I am a late bloomer.

He made his network television debut.

Oh, okay.

In January 2018 on late night with Seth Meyers.

And you were a stand-up consultant for the final season of the marvelous Mrs.

Maisel.

Now,

what was going on in the early seasons?

Why did they not bring you in earlier?

You know what I mean?

Like,

was the stand-up bad?

And then they're like, let's get someone.

I've never seen the show.

I don't know.

They had a great team of other folks working on there.

My good friend Allison Leiby was there for a while.

Noah Gardenschwartz is really funny.

He was there for a while.

And then

they just needed somebody.

I think there was some turnover and they needed somebody to come in for that last season.

Okay.

And it was really fun.

So how do you write for Mrs.

Maisel?

She's,

by all accounts, she's a housewife who's doing stand-up comedy

in the 1910s or something.

I've never seen the show.

I don't know what it is.

It starts in the 50s and goes into the 60s.

Oh, wow.

Madmen style.

Okay.

It's just also how time went.

I guess.

Mad Men and also Time went from the 50s to the 60s.

It's interesting to watch a show and it starts in like the 50s or something.

And then the next season, it's like a little bit earlier, but you wouldn't really notice because there's still car hops and everything.

But then season three is in the 40s, and yet the characters are progressing.

They're aging.

They're aging and everything.

And you're like, what the?

Is time backwards?

I like the show.

I like that it's like a reverse Simpsons where the characters stay the same, the time keeps going.

This time goes backwards.

Characters go forwards.

Yeah.

It would be interesting.

We should write that too.

We should.

Maybe that could, maybe you and Charlie and I can experience time that way.

Okay, let's do that.

Now, Seinfeld Today is a big heading on this Wikipedia page.

So that means somebody edited this Wikipedia page in 2013.

That's right, because in December 2012, Gondelbin created the Twitter account Seinfeld Today along with Jacqueline Moore, formerly of BuzzFeed.

The account posted humorous tweets.

Oh, man.

I love to post a humorous tweet.

I love a humorous tweet.

I love a New York venue and a humorous tweet.

Reimagining Seinfeld characters in modern-day situations.

As of October 2015, the last time the account was active, it had more than than 900,000 followers.

And at the sixth annual Shorty Awards in 2014, do these still exist?

Shorty Awards?

What are these?

I think they do.

I think I still get like seven emails from them per week.

Do they want you to like give money to the shorty awards?

Like, hey, thanks for winning one.

Like, do you, you know, is it like Harvard where you have to build a library to the shorty award?

That's right.

And it's their ranking on the U.S.

News and World Report as an award show goes up the more alumni donate.

Does Harvard have enough libraries?

Like, everyone wants to build a library for them.

You know, it's like, I've never been to Harvard.

Is it like just like 80 libraries?

It's a lot of libraries.

I was just there last week.

What were you doing there?

My wife had a book launch event at the Harvard bookstore.

Oh.

And they asked me to come and interview her on stage for it.

Okay, so that's one of your occasional reviews.

So I can't go back for a little while because otherwise they'll have to update it to frequent.

I want to add this to your Wikipedia page, but I don't have editing privileges.

No way.

You know what you do?

He was in Harvard last week

with his wife.

We talked about your wife's book off-mic, we did, but people can investigate it how.

Her name is Maris Kreisman.

The book is called I Want to Burn This Place Down.

It's a really, really wonderful essay collection.

She's extremely brilliant and lovely, and like it's a really warm and compassionate kind of

exploration of having an expanding political imagination.

And she's on tour now, but won't be.

And she has her own Wikipedia page that we could read.

That's exactly we get bored later.

Yeah.

We have a packed show, though.

So I'm going to blah, blah, blah.

I'm probably not going to get into Maris.

I'm going to blah, blah, blah.

Some of the rest of your Wikipedia page.

Blah, blah, blah, John Oliver.

We've talked about that.

Blah, blah, blah.

Other shows.

Blah, blah, blah.

Wait, wait.

Don't tell me.

Blah, blah, blah.

Personal life.

Nothing bad in your personal life, by the way.

That's good.

Anytime we book someone on Comedy Bang Bang now, that's the first thing I do.

I go right to the Wikipedia page and I click on personal life.

Control F controversies.

Yes.

Awards.

We've already talked about how inaccurate that is.

Yeah, we don't know.

Maybe it says I have a Nobel Prize or something.

You do have a Peabody.

I have two Peabody.

This just says one.

Well, this, they blacked out 2018.

I don't know what was happening to whoever edited my Wikipedia page.

Maybe they had a lot of personal stuff going on in 2018.

What's that like to be like a silly comedian who then wins a Peabody?

Do you feel like you deserve it?

No, no, I don't.

I don't think I deserve to be here, Scott.

I agree.

But you're here in the esteemed One Timers Club.

And it feels terrific.

Discography, four things.

Filmography.

Not as much as I would have expected.

More of a writer than an actor, as my grandmother used to tell me after seeing me in place.

Aw.

But you were on Night Train with Wyatt?

That was fun.

At midnight, once.

Once.

I'm a one-timer.

That to me is like, they'll take anybody there.

So to only do once,

that feels personal.

I like to believe it's because I live far away and they don't.

Okay.

You're not a local hire.

I was not.

Okay.

George Lucas talk show.

So much great stuff.

Works in publications.

Now, I want a works in publications heading on my Wikipedia.

What's this book driver?

I mean, what works, you know what I mean?

Works does feel substantial.

I know, I've written comic books.

That's cool.

And we have that book that I sort of wrote four pages of.

But works feels like substantial.

And rewrote some of it.

Works.

It feels like statue of a pig could be part of it.

That's true.

Selected articles.

This is a huge.

This is your biggest entry on Wikipedia.

Selected articles.

And think about all the articles they didn't select.

I know.

And then Wiki What, whatever the fuck that is.

That was the one where I interviewed people.

Okay, watch TJ Miller have a checkup with the Wikipediatrician.

Should I click on this?

You don't gotta.

Okay, great.

I won't.

Well, this, and then it takes us to references, which you have...

I mean, this is the biggest thing.

You have 55 references on your Wikipedia page.

Just today, I've referenced E.B.

White.

I've referenced.

Let me look at how many references I have on mine.

Let's see.

I have

56.

Whoa.

Son of a bitch.

I am doing slightly better.

I truly, I think it is, I would say, and I say this with love and appreciation, an inordinate number of people who enjoy my comedy, like a disproportionate, unexpected amount just based on a random guess, are librarians.

That's not a joke.

Do you think that's because of your comedy or the way you look?

You have a librarian air about you.

I do have a library face.

I'm very comfortable being shush.

Hey, I'd like you to go on a blind date with my friend.

I warn you, he has a library face.

And honestly, library body.

Library body, library mind.

Reference librarian face with a

children's section booty.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

I don't know about children's section booty.

Adult section booty.

Adult section booty.

Thank you.

Well, this, I mean, this Wikipedia page is jam-packed with fun stuff to talk about.

But what's not on there, and the reason that I was confused about this special and thinking it was going to be sent to me is Positive Reinforcement is out now.

It's been out for a couple of weeks.

Yeah, it's out on YouTube on Blonde Medicine's YouTube channel.

They're the record label I work with.

They're really wonderful.

Dominants are the best.

And the great thing about YouTube is they will insert ads wherever they want, including in the middle of punchline.

In the middle of a word, in the middle of a punchline.

They know best.

They know what they're doing.

They know where the ads go.

And I watched 10 minutes of it and was only subjected to about 20 ads, which I thought was a good ratio.

But this is exciting.

How does it feel to have this special out in the world?

It's really, I'm really excited that it's out.

I worked really hard on it.

We put together a really great team that I, that because of Blonde Medicine being so wonderful.

When you say a team, what do you mean?

Do you tag out to other comedians in the middle of the special?

God, that would be so much better for the audience.

That would be a good special, I think, where people do it wrestling style, where they're just like, I'm tired.

Tag out to another comedian.

And then at one point in the set, you're just like, oh my gosh, that's Jeff Foxworthy's music.

I got to work with a director that I love.

Who's this?

Chris Werner.

Oh, I worked with it last week tonight and now works at Saturday Night Live.

He directs all the Please Don't Destroy segments.

He's wonderful.

And he put together a really great group on the production side.

And it just is so wonderful to me to get to do something that's just like the stand-up that I do at New York venues occasionally in Boston.

Sure, in other cities as well.

But to do that and then to get to make something bigger than what I could do on my own of just like, oh, I set up my phone and I put it out in the world.

And so it's really great.

Marketing.

Are there specials out there where it's just someone setting up their phone?

I think there are many that are close to that.

Or like you get one camera or a couple cameras.

And it really meant a lot to me that the record label.

gave me the investment that we could really make this, make it look really nice.

I think it looks great.

Thank you.

Yeah.

It's colorful.

You have a good backdrop yeah you make a joke about the backdrop right away right away makes me feel comfortable like he knows what the backdrop looks like yeah like sometimes comics get up there and it's like they don't even know what they're standing in front of i know geez it's like i i know what your mom is and i know what your dad is so i know what that makes you but what are you standing in front of

um and are there pictures of your mom and dad out there online can we see uh what you would look like just split up uh into the dna from one half into you know what i mean i do know what you mean i don't think there there are.

My parents lurk on social media and instead of creating an account to engage, they just text me about things they've seen.

Well, it's a, from what I can tell, I've seen approximately one sixth of this special.

Positive reinforcement is

probably the year's best special.

I, you know, hmm, I'm trying to think.

I've seen some pretty good ones this year.

Well, which ones are we talking about?

Oh, you know what?

That wasn't from this year, though.

Oh, Lisa Traeger's is very funny.

She's not on this show.

That's right.

You know what?

I'll say it's the best special show.

It's the best one.

Best one of the year.

You might win your fifth Emmy, fourth on your Wikipedia page.

It's the third still.

We don't know where these people are.

They're out to lunch.

Stop.

Exactly.

And

everyone should watch it.

Now, we have to take a break, but can you stick around?

I would love to stick around.

Because we have a trainer coming up, and I think both of us could use maybe some training.

You know, I mean, you have librarian face and body, and I have something

to give their face trainer.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

Can you imagine if, like, you could, you could work out and it would make you more handsome?

Like, like, what would you do?

Like, doing all the facial expressions?

Guys do that now.

Do they?

It's like young, like, red pill kids, like, chew.

They do like a thing to like strengthen their jawline.

I don't know what that red pill is, but I got to investigate.

It sounds like a Matrix reference, which is really cool.

No, no, no, Scott, no.

And it's also a Maroon 5 album.

So is it a Maroon 5 album?

Yeah, we'll talk about that in the break.

Look, we have to take a break.

When we have a comeback,

when we have a trainer, come back.

Don't call it a comeback.

When we come back, we have a trainer.

We also have a longevity expert.

This is a dynamite show.

You have to stick around.

We're going to come right back.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.

Josh Gondelman is here.

We went on to the Wikipedia of Red Pill Blues, found out it was released in 2017, which is a little too late for

Maroon 5 to have called that album that.

But hey, who are we to judge, right?

I'm judging.

Are you really?

I am.

Are you a judgmental person?

You seem like a warm, friendly person.

I think I am warm and friendly, but I do, there is some judgment in here.

And it's mostly for stuff like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You have to be as a comedian, right?

I think so.

You have to be somewhat judgmental and say, like, this person needs to be called out on stage by the likes of me.

The likes of me.

My likes.

How many likes do you have on X.com, the Everything app?

Oh, gosh.

I mostly use it for banking, so I don't think a lot about the likes.

Okay, yeah.

It's secure banking, I found.

So secure, which is good because I'm a little bit on edge.

So I go there.

I just

feel secure

um well we have to get to our next guest this is very exciting uh we have a trainer

and uh i'm reading she's been on the show before okay uh please welcome back to the show ember chucket geo dude i choose you geo dude come on geo dude when you don't get out of the pokey ball i feel upset because you promised me you were gonna get out of the pokey ball and not embarrass me oh wait a minute wait a minute i remember you ember ember chuckett yeah you're not a personal, like, you're not a physical trainer.

We had a 30-minute phone call before this.

Your pre-interview?

Yes.

Where I said, I'm a Pokemon trainer.

That was me trying to figure out the Zoom.

Scott.

All the buttons.

I was on mute.

I didn't realize my camera was on.

Do you want me to remind you of what we talked about last time?

Yeah.

Professor Oak sent me here because we had this new initiative with all the Pokemon, where because they're sort of isolated inside of the Pokeballs, we gave them internet.

Unfortunately, instead of sort of like, you know, doing fun things, like Googling YouTube videos, they all got red-pilled immediately and sort of became not 11 truthers.

sort of like the red-pilled blues that we were talking about yeah kind of exactly like that they were really they kept being like we're really big matrix fans but unfortunately it sort of was a little bit late for that reference okay yeah i kind of remember this but i i just a few follow-ups what is pokemon again no

i think it's explain this to me yeah poke go pokemon so pokemon essentially are little is this something that goes to the polls i've heard well to us it would be like animals you know what i mean like but i guess for it they're little like to you it would be like pocket monsters you know what I mean?

They're like these tiny little like guys, and you can't.

What do you mean to me?

Because I don't know what pocket monsters are.

Well, I'm from the Kanto region, so that's just sort of like our wildlife.

But for

the Kanto region, yeah, I have another friend who's from the Kanto region.

Don't even get me started on this.

On your other friend, that

gun turtle.

I choose you.

Oh, Chuck It.

How are you?

Oh, hey, Dad.

Hi, Scott.

Hey, buddy.

How's it going?

Bring it in, buddy.

Yeah.

Hug it up and pound it up.

Yes.

And move to the left.

Move to the right.

I'm outside to side.

And I'm in here too.

And I can't.

And I'm moving.

Do you have a gun?

No, I gave the squirrel a gun and now it's a gun turtle.

Thanks for giving internet to that Pokeball, by the way.

I have not lost a single fight and everyone I've fought is dead.

Okay, Dash, this is kind of my thing.

This is my interview.

Yeah, sorry, Josh.

I had a little question about that.

Yeah, about what?

Because I didn't understand any of that.

When Pokemon fight, did they usually die or not die?

They never did before.

Now they do die.

We've upped the stakes, baby.

Now that we got internet, internet makes everything better.

So unfortunately, it's been sort of a series of street jugs.

Did you know the weapons?

Did you know that

I subscribed to that?

And you're the only one.

But I get it in the mail.

Three days before it comes out on newsstands.

Oh, you're a street jug Patreon member?

Of course.

Yeah, sorry, Josh.

These guys, Dash is my bro.

He's been on the show for now like

almost a decade, I think.

Yes, and I'm still 11 years old.

Uh-huh.

And he's from the Kanto region.

I'm from the Kanto region.

And I'm different.

I'm Ember, and I'm also 11 years old.

And I'm also from the Kanto region.

We're from the same region.

We're from the same region.

We're actually neighbors.

So it's, you know, we've known each other for a very long time.

Well, it's really nice to meet you both.

It's really nice to meet me because I'm the guest on the show and Dash is sort of an intruder.

Well, I mean, we have an open door policy on the show.

Any guests can kind of come together.

Because I had to knock a lot because it was locked when I got together.

Tiger.

I have a key.

Also, I put an Apple Air tag on Ember so I sort of know where she is.

And when I saw she was coming here, don't you get that alert?

You're traveling with an AirTag?

No, I have an Android.

Oh, no.

But when I saw she was coming here, I was like, well, I got to come here to see my boy Scott, who I know loves to talk about Pokemon.

Look, I've learned everything I know about Pokemon from you, Dash.

Okay, that's actually kind of hurtful because we spent a lot of time talking very specifically.

Okay, okay, Dash.

Wait, you were working on like a

thing.

Dash, I'm here to give the update from Professor Oak.

So if you want to be here, you just kind of have to be supportive.

Do you know Professor Oak, Dash?

Yeah.

He's like, okay, picture the oldest man you know.

Let me explain.

Okay, picture me.

I'm picturing myself here.

Picture the oldest man you know.

But he's like.

Get myself out of my mind.

Hold on.

When you turn 11, you send, you get to go to his house.

And he's like, here's three.

Get to?

No, it's totally nothing.

He takes you to a room in the back, and your parents are not there.

He closes the door.

The lights are off, but then he turns them on.

And then he turns around and a baby.

They'll be on when you get there.

But don't worry, the light is very fluorescent, so it's very, very bright.

It looks real bright, and it hurts your eyes.

He locks the door behind you so that way the Pokemon can't escape.

And then he says, choose one of these three.

And you say, I'll take them all.

And he says, you can't do that.

You can only have one of them.

And I say, this gun I have says differently.

And he says, where did you get that?

And then I say, the internet.

Yeah.

And then he's like, don't you need a license for that?

And you are sort of like, well, I used a VPN and I ordered it from Florida from a gun show because you can do that that online the way we printed it too or you can uh yes it's a ghost gun untrackable

that's how dash got on the plane with it ghost gun is that a pokemon i'm behind here oh oh yeah no ghost guns are something different you got to look it up yeah in fact but ghost gun is a new pokemon it's just not spelled the way you think it's spelled i'm gonna do this because i like to be on lists yep

um so so you guys have known each other for for years

11 years since we were born

since we were born born we were actually born on the same day in the same hospital some people say we're related but we i we were raised in different households we were raised in different households and i think people think that because we have the same hair and the same eyes and very similar names and because i only have a mom who lives with a mr mime and you only have a dad who lives with the jinx that we are some but we can't be siblings because i have a ripped i have half of a ripped photo i have the other half of a ripped photo and if we were siblings it would be the same half it would be the same half it'd be the same photo i don't think that's how it works yeah i think that's how it works, Scott.

Okay.

Because you're not in my picture.

No, and you're not in my picture.

So, okay, yeah.

Do you have siblings, Scott?

I, yeah.

And in the pictures with your siblings, you're both in them, right?

Yeah, but I haven't ripped it.

That would probably be self-explanatory, Scott.

It would be.

How about you, Josh?

You got siblings?

I have a sister.

And we are all when there's a picture of both of us.

We're both in it.

Exactly.

But we haven't, I've never ripped a picture of my sister.

Why not?

It's fun.

My hope is that I can go on SNL and do it for the first time protesting her.

Oh, yes.

Schneid style.

Yeah, that's really wonderful.

Please don't tell the Pokemon that.

I would never.

I don't, I've never met one.

Okay.

Well, hey, maybe we can change that today.

Geodude, I choose you.

Not coming out.

Why is Geodude not coming out?

Because,

well, okay, I'm here to sort of explain sort of the next phase of what Professor Oak was going on.

So you've got to be so quiet during this part.

Okay.

Okay.

What?

I'd rather hear this from you.

Can I translate?

You can hype me up to Scott only.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

So I won't listen to you.

Ember Chuck.

What up, fuckers?

It's time for Ember Chuckett.

Okay.

She's here.

By the way, JetFuel doesn't melt steel beams.

Okay, don't stand in front of me.

Here she is.

Thank you.

Ember Chuckett.

Thank you very much for that introduction, Dash.

You're welcome.

Okay, so essentially, here is what happened.

All of the Pokemon got red-pilled pretty hard, so we decided they needed some sort of a belief system.

Ooh.

So we introduced the Pokemon to world religion in the hopes that it would chill them out a little bit, maybe give them something

to believe in.

We really sort of were like, what about Buddhism or Hinduism?

So you started there.

Yeah.

And so essentially what they decided is they were all going to join the same megachurch in Wheaton, Illinois.

And now they're all part of the Trump administration.

Okay, the Pokemon all are?

Uh-huh.

So my Geodude specifically is Secretary of the Exterior, which basically means he gets filler for everybody else in the industry.

That's why he won't come out of the Pokeball.

He is not here.

Yeah, so we're sort of in group therapy right now,

and he's sort of not attending, but that's sort of like a new thing that we're bringing to you.

So all these people we've heard about, the Stephen Millers, they're all Pokemon?

A lot of them.

A lot of them.

Not all, but a lot of them.

Okay, huh.

You ever notice how they're sort of like one-dimensional, almost like cartoonishly evil?

Yeah.

That's usually that's a Pokemon.

That's a Pokemon.

Christy Noam just is a monster, just sort of is like a normal person, but the rest of them pretty much are Pokemon.

Okay, so is this a problem or is this cool?

I can't tell from.

Oh, I don't know, Scott.

Is it a problem sort of having an animal run the country, having sort of like a little sort of like pocket monster?

Sort of only instinct is to battle and fight other things.

And then when they die, sort of regenerate and get back up and fight some more.

And they have guns now.

Yeah.

Some of them do.

Yeah, some of them have grenade launchers.

Is RFK Jr.

a Pokemon?

He looks like he's died like 20 times.

There's one inside of him.

Oh, inside the brain.

A worm is a Pokemon?

Brain worm.

I choose you.

That's that I never choose.

I read in the New York Times that he once hit a Pokemon with a car and just put it on the top.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This guy.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

So you guys want to, what, recapture the Pokemon and take them back?

Or what are you doing here?

Oh my God, we never even considered that.

Once they're sort of out, they're sort of out.

Yeah.

I mean, I spent a lot of time trying to like capture, subjugate, train, bring to battle.

Oh, by the way, Scott, here's what I actually came to say.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

I won it all, baby.

What do you mean?

You won't?

You won the Pokemon League.

You won the Pokemon.

Congrats, Dash.

Thank you.

You were talking about that for so long.

I know.

You just wanted to win it.

Well, at first I was like, I want to win it all.

Then I kept getting my ass handed to me.

Right.

Yeah.

Especially when I lost the use of our mutual friend, Andy Richter.

I know, yeah.

He was trapped in the Pokemon ball.

For a while, and then decided he didn't want to be there anymore.

I'm really sorry about that, Dash.

Yeah, that's okay.

He doesn't return my calls.

I think.

You're not on three questions?

He has a radio show where people call in.

Maybe you could call his radio show.

Yeah, just call in.

No, I don't have a phone.

I just have a sort of tablet that I use to track Ember.

Okay.

It's sort of one of those ones where it's like, I can always tell what he's Googling because it also shows up on my notifications.

Oh, okay.

And then sometimes my mom gets mad and she turns off the T-Mobile, and then I just have to go to a coffee shop just to get Wi-Fi.

Yeah, but then you start working at that coffee shop and you make me mean macchiato.

I work at

Pete's, Pete's Coffee.

You work at Pete's.

That should be spelled P-E-T-E-S, right?

The one I work at is.

Oh, it is.

In the concert region, it's spelled Pete.

In the concert region, it's P-E-T.

P-E-T-E.

Yeah, that makes more sense.

Yeah.

Okay, so, I mean, yeah, this seems like a simple solution is either.

Oh, does this seem like a simple solution, Scott?

It seems like a really simple solution.

I mean, I've never played this Pokemon thing that you guys are talking about, so I have no idea how hard it is.

Never played life, Scott?

I have played life.

These children are so confident.

I know.

It's a new generation.

It's kind of crazy because we keep getting asked to be on podcasts and then we'll sort of like explain our problems.

And Scott's like, how would you solve it?

And then we're like, we're 11 years old.

It's like all the adults in our life, Professor Oak 2, they're like constantly putting all of these massive, like real-world problems on us.

And we're like, oh,

how would you guys fix it?

How would you guys solve it?

I mean, there's one very simple solution.

Some might say the final solution, which is just to exterminate all of these.

The final solution is that a Maroon 5 alpha.

Hold on.

Let me Google that really.

Yeah.

Nobody told them not to call it that.

I think you just, you know,

exterminate them all, let God sort it out, and then start all over with the Pokemon.

I actually accidentally had Sirio, and so all that is in the search right now.

You had Serial?

Let God sort it out.

What?

What?

Oh, no.

No, Siri on.

Oh, Siri.

Oh, Siriol, the podcast.

Yeah, the first podcast.

Yeah.

The Adam and Eve of podcasts.

Oh, yeah.

We have that in the Kanto region too, but it's about how Captain Crunch killed the Count Chocula.

I had no idea.

Yeah, it's bare hands.

Snapped his neck.

Right in half.

He was that sword.

Sometimes when you're dad angry, you don't even go for the weapon.

Apparently, swords don't work on vampires, too.

Yeah.

And so, what was the podcast about?

It just kind of detailed what had been in the news.

Well, there was some because there wasn't a camera in the room, so it was sort of like it was like a, he said that he didn't do it.

Did they finally set him free after the podcast exonerated him?

I don't know that they set him free yet.

Did they?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I think that he's in the process of being set free.

It's tricky because Count Chocula is sort of up and walking around, but he is legally dead.

Legally dead.

Yeah.

But we don't know if he was always legally dead or if he's just now legally dead.

That's the tough thing.

You can't be tried twice for a murder that didn't.

Well,

in the conto region, you could absolutely be tried twice for the same crime.

Oh, this is a weird...

This justice system sounds like there's some real flaws in it.

Not like we're perfect to find.

We don't pay a lot of attention.

Well, I won't speak for Ember.

I don't pay a ton of attention to it because I'm mostly focused on racking up those badges.

Yeah.

Wait, so you won the

league.

The league.

The indigo league.

Do you still can?

I don't know what these things are, but do you still continue on?

I'm the reigning champion, which means now I have to fight whoever comes up next.

Have you ever battled in this league?

Yeah, Ember.

Have you ever battled in this league?

Okay, shut up, Dash.

Yes, I tried battling in the league once.

Actually, I made it all the way to the final gym, and I had to battle the reigning champion in order to try and win.

Who was the reigning champion at that time?

Dash was the reigning champion at that time.

Dash, you were the reigning champion.

Congrats, buddy.

Thank you so much.

I forgot to mention, I've been the reigning champion for two years.

Congrats!

The story that Ember's talking about takes place last year last year.

Okay, so I sort of worked really hard.

I got all these badges.

I got to the final badge.

I did really well.

And it was kind of crazy because it was the first time my dad had ever come to watch me perform.

And your mom was also in the stands.

Yeah, they were next to each other in the stands.

Yeah.

We kept looking at each other.

I was like, what's going on?

I was like, that's so weird.

There's so many seats in this, in these stands.

And they were all empty.

Yeah.

Which was unusual because it was the final final.

Which is like a big thing where we're not a popular event.

It was like the NBA bubble where it was just you guys, the Pokemon, the referees.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They didn't want

to.

COVID hit the Kanto region, by the way.

Just last year.

Yeah.

Okay.

Finally got around there.

It's why Dash has been the reigning champion for the last two years.

There's just been like a lot of people there have not been, if I'm being honest, Scott, there haven't been a lot of other competitors in the league that did try to beat the league.

Normally, this stadium seats what 60 000 people 62

but there it was only your mom and dad this year well your my

mom and your dad i don't have a dad and that's just how it is yeah okay and my mom went to war and never came back is what my dad said right oh okay well i guess if i showed up to an empty stadium uh i'd probably sit next to the only other person there it would be weird if you were like you know on on opposite ends of the stadium it was good that they didn't sit on other sides because i would have gotten distracted anyway so

anyway so what happened in this big battle?

Essentially, what happened was me and my dad had this secret code that we would do where anytime I would look at him, he'd give me a thumbs up.

And so I...

Wait, that's a secret code.

Anytime he would look at you?

Anytime I, oh, right.

Yeah.

Anytime he would look at me, I would give him a thumbs up.

He gets really nervous in the stands.

So even if you weren't looking at him, but he looked at you.

I would give him a thumbs up.

I'd still look at what I was doing, but I'd give him a thumbs up.

You're still in him.

And it was a parent.

Yeah, it was really amazing.

I love taking care of my dad.

It's a big part of my responsibility as an 11-year-old in the Kanto region.

It's maybe might be too much responsibility for an 11-year-old.

But in any case, going.

So, essentially, what happened was I could feel him looking at me.

I gave him a thumbs up.

And at the second that I could look at him, I saw him crying and running out of the arena.

And that messed me up so badly.

What happened?

Why was he crying?

Why did he run out?

I don't know.

His crying must have been contagious because my mom was right next to him, sobbing her eyes out.

So we took a technical timeout to make sure that crying wasn't a COVID symptom.

Thanks for making the T symbol three times.

A technical timeout.

Technical timeout.

I get the idea.

Thank you.

You seem like you needed the symbols.

I appreciate it.

Yeah.

I don't know how it turns out.

We can look up the Wikipedia entry for timeout.

But I want you to read the whole thing to us, Scott.

Has the show gone downhill?

I'm just reading Wikipedia pages.

The show can't have gone downhill.

The stars are back, probably, right?

The stars are back.

Do I have a Wikipedia pediatric entry?

Do you?

I don't know.

Dash grab them.

Let's see.

Wait.

Do you think you have a do you think I'm a part of your Wikipedia page entry?

Nothing coming up, unfortunately.

Dang.

Tech Cantopedia.

Yeah,

Tech Cantoped Pedia.

Dash American Rapper.

Is that you?

Might be.

Wait.

Do you rap?

Yeah, you do have that really famous rap song.

Yeah.

It's to sort of the beat of the Star Spangled Banner.

It's like a trap mix of the Star Spangled Banner.

Jose!

Can you see?

The government is lying to me.

That's how it starts.

That's how it starts.

I can't wait to hear how it ends.

It's incendiary.

We'll turn it into a patter song.

Ready?

Five, six, seven, eight.

And everyone is there and they are being very mad.

And if you look into the stance, you'll find your mom, but not your dad, because you do not have a dad and you only have a mom.

Oh, no, everybody hide from the boss.

Jose,

can you say?

This is dynamite.

I haven't heard this.

This is popular, though, in the Canto region.

Oh, it's so popular.

It's been number one for the last two years.

COVID has gotten rid of a lot of the other musical artists.

Oh, yeah.

You have a lot going on, Dash.

This is incredible.

Oh, by the way, so your mom and dad both ran out of the stadium.

What happened to the competition at that point?

Well, at that point, I get all flustered.

I'm really worried about it.

And so I'm sort of like, you know, trying to rush Geodude out of the ball.

I'm getting a little bit flustered.

He doesn't want to get out because he doesn't think I'm appreciating him.

And also, he doesn't take orders from women anymore.

It was a really kind of a tough situation.

Yeah.

So what happened?

Oh, Hydro Cannon.

I blastoise did a hydro cannon and just not straight to the ball.

I got balls straight to the temple.

I passed out, woke up.

Yeah, yeah.

Some people think that it's a good strategy to have the Pokemon fight the other Pokemon.

I find if you take out the trainer, that's going to sort of take care of all of the other Pokemon content.

It's pretty messed up, but very, very effective.

Not anymore, but at the time, they didn't.

It was more of a norm and not a rule.

And they decided it needs to now be a rule.

Yeah.

But this is, you got to take out the alien queen, you know, and then all the other aliens just sort of like lie down and go to sleep.

Alien.

In the alien franchise, the Ridley Scott.

Sorry, but the alien.

Do you not know that word or do you not know the franchise?

Alien.

Alien.

Alien.

The franchise I know for sure.

Yeah.

Then you must know the word.

Not the word.

Alien.

I'm familiar with the film.

Yeah.

What's her name?

So Alien Covenway.

Alien.

Ridley Scott.

Ridley's Billy, Bitter Scott.

Ridley's Billy British Scott.

Bitter Scott, Wax Museum, but alien.

How do you feel about Prometheus if I were to say that word to you?

Prometheus.

I know the deity, but what are you doing?

And I'm part of the alien.

I know the legend about fire.

Right.

Yes, Josh.

Okay, maybe we can try a a different tactic.

Like, okay, if you want to defeat all of ABBA, you have to take out the dancing queen.

Yes, there you go.

Yeah, that's a place to start.

Well, that one I understood.

You understand that?

Okay.

You've seen Voyager.

Huh?

ABBA Voyager?

Is that what it is?

No, that's Star Trek.

Alba, we got to write ABBA Voyager.

Now we have to.

This is our third project together.

I'm going to be a huge part of your Wikipedia page.

Oh, I thought you guys were talking about music.

I was collaborating.

Yeah, that's true.

I thought you guys were talking about music.

ABBA.

Yeah.

The notes.

No,

ABBA.

Those fucking notes.

Do you have perfect pitch dash?

That was beautiful.

You have relative pitch.

That's always number two on the track.

Yeah.

That's it.

That's the whole song.

The whole song.

Well, that must be embarrassing for you, Ember, to be blasted in the face with a hydro cannon like that.

Well, no one else was there to watch.

Including my dad.

I woke up in the hospital and he wasn't even there.

Have you seen him since?

Have I seen my dad since?

Yeah, that's the question I was saying.

Wait, yeah.

My mom was in the hospital and like weeping over you and she wouldn't talk to you.

She wouldn't when you woke up and we were like, I was like, mom, what are you doing at the hospital?

She must have got the wrong hospital.

Yeah, I thought she was a nurse for the second.

Then I'm like, I recognize you.

You were at the battle.

Right.

And she was weeping over you.

And then what were you doing?

I was outside trying to find my mom and all there was was an inconsolable man who I later remembered was your dad.

Yeah.

Who was like, I have to tell them.

I have to tell them.

And because my dad wasn't around, your mom just sort of like was like, well, why don't you come stay with me for a couple of days?

But you weren't around at all.

Where were you?

Oh, I sort of was staying with your mom for a little bit.

Yeah, in my room.

Yeah.

And then what happened?

Were you with my dad during that time?

No, he really wanted me to take care of him.

And I was like, no,

this is my friend.

I'm not hanging out for me.

My mom and I have a sort of like, she

fills up my T-Mobile prepay card when I need her to.

And apart from that, I do not see her that much.

Whoa.

She and the Mr.

Mime take care of the house.

I think the Mr.

Mime does a lot of the work.

Your dad lives with the Jinx, which is wild.

Yeah, which was

I don't like her.

She's my stepmom.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

What's she?

What's the Jinx?

Do you have a phone?

Yeah.

Google Jinx Pokémon, really.

Google Jinx first.

I actually do think you're going to need the visual.

The visual is important.

This is a woman Pokémon who sort of post-2020 maybe wouldn't have been

one.

Like, Jinx is definitely has.

Jinx looks slightly like a racist caricature.

You know, that is exactly sort of what I was thinking.

It absolutely, that is absolutely.

There's

blackface vibes to it for sure.

Yeah.

A lot of the pictures are colored purple, but even that, saying that, sounds like

the color purple.

But there are several that are just pure jet black.

Anyway, Jinx is Ember's stepmom.

Well, sort of.

Yeah, it's my dad is a little bit problematic across the board.

He keeps saying I'm trying to sort of like fill the fill sort of this void that I have inside me.

Um, and and you're not totally, well, I mean, like, he doesn't say it like this, but I can tell, like, you know, raising me isn't totally doing that.

And he's sort of you should try just sort of like leaving the house and not coming back for long periods of time.

Going on an adventure around the world, winning badges and friends, giving the animals around you firearms.

I mean, this is what Dash did.

And you, I mean, you've been doing this for 11 years since you were 11 years old, right?

That's right.

And, you know, I mean, that must be hard on your parents to have kids that never age.

Do your parents age?

I don't really pay attention.

I don't know.

Does yours?

Yeah, it's really hard to say.

Yeah.

It's just sort of peanut style where when they talk, they just come around.

So you know peanuts.

You know the aliens franchise.

Well, no, we know peanuts, the food.

The food.

You know, when you eat peanuts and you go, wow, when you eat it, you go, um,

yeah, exactly.

What did you think we were talking about?

I have no idea.

But in any case, I mean, that's a hard, that's a tough loss for you, Ember.

Yeah.

And it must be tough for you to be in Dash's shadow.

He's so accomplished for an 11-year-old.

Well, I'm not going to be in his shadow much longer because I'm taking your advice and I actually am moving.

Whoa.

Yes.

What is my advice?

I'm taking Dash's advice.

Dash's advice.

So you got so mad at me for doing the timeout, and then I pointed to Dash, and sort of like that, that just was like too.

I didn't notice it.

Yeah, I'm only looking at you from the chin up at this point.

Oh, well, that's because this table is so tall.

Because we're so short.

We're so short.

Because we're 11 years old.

Yeah.

So you're going to move out?

This is big news.

I'm going to the Galarian region.

The Galarian region?

Where is that?

You sure you want to start with that?

Of course.

Why wouldn't I want to start with that?

I don't know.

No, why wouldn't you?

No, it's great.

You've been there, Dash.

You've been all over the place.

Why would I not want to start with the Galarian region?

Gang activity in the Galarian Region.

What do you mean gang activity in the Garrett?

It's like there's like a pretty prominent gang there, sort of sort of messing with it.

I fight with Team Rocket all the time.

They're not like Team Rocket.

Well, why aren't they like Team Rocket?

Because Team Rocket is essentially, it's a comedy duo.

Sure.

They're pretty funny.

They're hilarious.

Hilarious.

This is like a real gang, Ember.

Who?

Is it like Giovanni?

No, Giovanni's Team Rocket.

I know.

That's what I'm saying.

Is it like worse than that?

It's worse than that.

What is it?

Tell me.

I don't know.

Sort of like...

They wear like a lot of chains.

What?

They wear a lot of like chains and black and they're scary.

What do you mean by that?

They're just scary.

They wear black chains.

chains on their, like, like uh gold chains around their

necks.

You know that store hot topic?

Oh, yeah, of course.

And you know hot topic.

The store.

Yeah.

Is it a reference to something?

No.

I didn't know if you knew the store.

Do you know the store hot topic?

I do know the star.

That's what I'm referencing.

Okay.

Malls by us are just Orange Julius Hot Topic and a Blockbuster.

That's more than Malls here have now.

And a Pokemon Center and a police.

And a police station.

Did you still have Blockbuster Video?

Yeah, of course.

How do you rent your videos?

So, I mean, it's a tough area according to Dash.

No, it's great.

You're going to the Galarian region.

You're going to grow up a little bit.

Yeah, I'm going to the Galarian region.

Okay, what do you bring in?

What's your loadout?

Of course, I'm bringing a change of clothes, but it's the exact same clothes that I'm wearing right now.

Yeah, never change your clothes.

No.

Pick an outfit and wear it forever.

Forever.

Okay.

Don't ever change your clothes.

That's good advice.

I'm bringing my Pokemon.

Of course.

Well, that's what I meant specifically, which ones.

My best friend, Geodude.

He doesn't.

He's first of all.

He's a bad person, Geodude.

I would choose you.

He's working for the United States government, slowly dismantling democracy.

But when I need him, he's going to be there.

He's never.

What leads you to believe that?

Because I believe in the power of friendship.

Okay.

And it's just kind of like: if I don't have Geodude, who else do I have you?

Can I offer something to you?

Okay.

Faith.

What kind?

Mega faith.

Like a mega church?

Like a mega church faith.

You did not get red-billed in this mega church, also.

Hold on.

Listen,

picture faith.

Okay.

Picture Jesus.

Okay.

Evolve him.

Sure.

Mega Jesus.

Jesus EX.

This guy sounds cool.

Yeah.

He's great.

He's got four arms.

Each of them has a sword.

Each of them has a sword.

Can he turn water into wine?

He can turn blood into dead people.

Hold on.

Dash, can I ask you something?

I've been seeing all these liars around town that say you're going on tour, and I assumed it was for your music.

Please tell me you're going on tour for your music and not for this.

I mean, there's music in it.

Oh, no.

There's music in the opening.

You're going on tour, man.

I'm opening for this preacher, man.

Wow.

This is a hot ticket.

Yeah.

Ever since we introduced religion to the Pokemon, it's really sort of taken off like wildfire.

Yeah, I mean, that's what happens with religion.

You know, you introduce it to a bunch of people and then, or

creatures, I guess.

And then, you know.

It's sort of a hard line between Pokemon and creatures and people.

Because I had a cat once and then I...

battle with it and then it turned into a bigger cat and then I battled with it a little more and then it turned into a professional wrestler

That's the trouble with cats is, you know, just so often they turn into professional wrestlers.

And then I just had this man

with me with a head of a cat, but it was a professional wrestler.

Which is like fine to have a pet, a cat who's just like lounging around on your sofa, but then it's a man.

Then it's like a smelly B.O.

And it's like a different living with a cat is different than living with a man.

Definitely.

That was the exact same with me.

I had a duck with a quaff, and then I had a duck with a slightly bigger quaff.

And then I had a model.

Yeah.

Wow.

And living with a model, that would have been really bad for my self-esteem.

Honestly, outside of the stuff with my dad, it's a big part of the reason why I'm getting out of here for a little bit.

And also, have you noticed this?

One time I was riding around on my bike, and then the bike opened its eyes.

Yeah.

And I was like, oh, shit, this bike is a Pokemon.

I threw a Pokeball one time.

It was a mushroom.

I ate an ice cream.

Is this a Pokemon?

I built a sand castle one time.

It's a little hard strategy.

This is not like the Kendra region.

I hate it.

I hate it.

You gotta be, you gotta keep your head on a swivel, Scott, because sometimes the stuff around you, that that computer could have a Pokemon in it.

And you just thought it was a computer and you're Googling whatever nasty stuff that you're Googling.

Wikipedia page.

Yeah, you probably.

Sometimes you're touching the keys and it's nipples.

Oh, geez.

Wow.

Awful.

And then Wikipedia is like, we got to block this guy.

He's touching nipples on his computer.

He's got a two-year block.

Well, I mean, this sounds, I mean, it sounds great for you, Ember.

You're going to grow up.

You're going to get a little more mature.

You're still going to be 11 years old, of course.

Yes.

Why would you want to go to the glaring region go on an adventure and you want to want to go with me yeah i'll go on adventure and sort of like explore and like catch pokemon and sort of like get win gym badges every town we go to will have a very specific problem that only we can solve okay fine so yeah i guess i'll bring that i'll bring my pokemon and then i guess if we got your pokemon then we'll be a little bit safer and then the only other thing i'm going to bring is this photo of my

i'll bring this photo wait you guys are almost touching the photos together anyway let's get going yeah oh you put them back back in your pocket.

Okay, well, that sounds great.

Just

knowing what I know about you guys, make sure nothing romantic happens on this trip together.

We're 11 years old.

What are you talking about, Scott?

Make sure nothing romantic happens.

I'm just saying.

I'm not sure if the children's section booties.

You're ever going to kiss like this?

Is that your fear?

We're going to kiss like this.

You're ever going to kiss the lips like this?

Oh, stop that, please.

Oh,

look at my tongue, Scott.

Nothing.

Oh, God.

No, please, guys.

Don't do that.

Is this your fear?

Oh, no.

Okay.

Guys, guys, we have to take a break.

I'm so sorry.

You're so gross.

You guys are gross.

That was pretty gross.

We have to take a break.

But when we come back, we have a longevity expert.

Josh, I know you need to go.

Thank you for having me.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks for coming on.

We have a longevity expert.

We're going to be right back with more Ember Chuckett, more Dash Grab him, and a longevity expert.

We're going to be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back.

Josh Gondelman of Positive Reinforcement.

He had to go, but during the break, Ember and Dash have been just full on making out this entire.

To prove that we're not gonna.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah.

You're like getting it out of your system

as a joke, as a joke, okay.

This is funny that what you're doing, it's hilarious.

Don't you think this is funny, Scott?

Okay, all right, all right.

Well, we need- Do you think we're the reason that Josh left?

I, yeah, I mean, honestly, I wish I could leave.

We kept going, Josh, watch this, watch this, Josh, watch this.

It's so funny, and he was like, I have to edit my Wikipedia,

and he just took off.

Um, in any case, we have to get to our final guest of the show.

He is a longevity expert.

Now, I wonder what his tips will be other than just constantly remain 11 years old as oh do you think he'll teach us how to turn 12 yeah can he teach us how to age you guys want to age have you been through puberty yet

no we're 11 years old 11 years old scott i feel like i'm on the cusp

yeah you got one hair on your lip you saw it yeah it's really long though yeah it's like all the way down to your butt i actually think it might be just like a horse hair that's stuck that's stuck yeah yeah oh yeah there's horse poop on the end of it and it just what were you doing with a horse that's eating its poop why okay all right why scott no judgments here how do you get your fort protein

the internet said that real men get their protein right from the strongest animal a horse oh dash i can fix you okay okay well let's get to our last guest he's a longevity expert please welcome mark fripp hello thank you scott thank you for having me my pleasure mark so wonderful to have you this is dash this is ember hey mark hi mark pleasure to meet you children voice is so low god what a manly voice thank you very much and you're so high and that you're very tall tall very tall how'd you do it how to do it well took a lot of effort a lot of time yeah i've been studying longevity you have oh okay i would i mean you're an expert at it so i would imagine you would have to study it occasionally if not often i study it frequently frequently yeah great at various longevity venues in new york okay well now what when you say longevity, what exactly are you talking about?

Just the length of jevity, like how long people live.

People.

So people's longevity.

Whatever's alive, longevity applies to it uh and i would like it to be less i'm against longevity you you're advocating for people's lives to be shorter much shorter scott how much shorter are we talking about as short as we can get them

i mean

that's occasionally that happens where it's only about uh not like that that's cheating

What is cheating?

When a baby dies, that's cheating.

That's not, we're trying to get the human lifespan as short as it possibly can get.

Okay, well, now in caveman times, they were, it was somewhere in the teens or the 20s.

That was pretty good.

I think we can get back there with that.

You want to get down to the 20s.

I think we can get down to the 20s, even the teens.

Why do you want to do this?

This sounds, I mean, a lot of people want to experience everything life has to offer.

And if they were to perish in their 20s, they wouldn't get to see their loved ones grow up.

Scott, I too want to do everything.

I want to see everything life has to offer.

I want to experience the world.

People procrastinate.

We're lazy.

We're lazy species.

Because they think, oh, okay, I'll get to that.

I'll get to it.

I'm going to be 50, 70.

Like for me, I might do this in my 30s at some point.

That's right.

Maybe I'll get there.

But the shorter the lifespan, the faster.

It's just an imperative to get moving.

Carpe the Diem.

Okay.

So I'll say in the Canto region, there was sort of like a string where people were getting water blasted to the temple and not making it out of the hospital.

So you think that that's a positive thing?

You know, again, that's cheating.

What you want to do is bring down the lifespan naturally.

Yeah, you want God to water blast you to the temple.

That's right.

I see.

So now when life expectancy was in the 20s and Caveman times, it was because like a saber-toothed tiger would eat you.

But you want saber-toothed tiger?

What is that?

Do you know tiger?

Oh, yeah.

Do you know Mewtwo?

Yes.

Like a smaller, smaller Mewtwo kind of red fur, big teeth.

Sounds rare.

Very powerful.

Well, rare now.

It used to be all over the place.

God, you have a saber-toothed tiger?

I don't have one.

I gotta catch you in the tournament, bud.

No, I'm not.

You're gonna

slay.

I hate to admit this.

I think you would be sensational.

I sold mine after Siegfried and Roy had the accident, so I don't have one anymore.

We'll go on Google, see if I can find one.

Yeah, but in any case, you want people to die of natural causes in their 20s?

I think so.

I think if we could get the human life span short, people would get busy living much sooner.

Okay.

You'd be accomplishing your dreams at seven, eight, nine, 11 years old.

I'm 11 years old.

That's right.

And how many of your dreams have you lived?

One.

And how many dreams do you have?

One.

That's perfect.

100% dream living.

You could die tomorrow.

It would be fine.

I'm never going to die.

Well, this is contrary to my research.

But, hey, you do.

You could be the first person to never die.

Well, technically, Dash also has a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, so he's been promised that he will never die.

Mega Jesus Christ.

Sort of, like, at all.

Evolved Jesus Christ.

Which means he gets to go to double heaven.

Now, you two have done some really spectacular work.

It is.

The band?

You two?

Have we switched topics?

Yes.

Now, speaking about people who should have stopped a long time ago, oh, come on.

Scott, do you want me to move Jacob's ladder behind you?

Jacob left his ladder.

Do you want me to move it?

Yeah, do you know?

Is it making you uncomfortable?

I know you would much rather talk about Pokemon than about the band you two.

So we can go back to Pokemon.

We know how much you hate music.

Let's go back to Pokemon because of who's in the room.

So

do you want diseases to come back?

I mean, measles is having a moment right now.

Measles is back in a big way, and I am loving it.

It's putting the pressure on people to do their thing.

Right.

Like, you know that book, there's the four-hour work week?

I've heard it.

The four-hour, that seems too low.

Well, I'm trying to get it lower.

If you only had four hours to live, that's too short.

You'd be very small, low musculature.

But think about how much you would get done in those four hours.

I guess so.

I mean, you know, there's

I guess a theory of why does anyone work?

Because like we're all going to die sooner than we want to.

So we should be doing, although some people enjoy their work, not, you know, present company excluded.

But I mean...

Wait, me?

I love what I do.

I guess I'm talking about myself.

Oh, you know what, though?

I guess I I don't love working at the Pete's Coffee.

Yes, you know.

That's sort of a joke.

He's so bad at it.

Anytime anybody has an order, he's constantly tossing it at people's face saying, go, coffee.

Go, coffee.

I choose you, Macchiato.

So these have never turned into a Pokemon?

These coffee?

Coffee?

No, it's a coffee, Scott.

Do you know what coffee is?

I know what it is.

Are they transferring you to another Pete's coffee in the Galarian region?

Because I'm worried about your income when you guys go to the other place.

I don't think there is a Pete's coffee in the Galarian.

No, they're not.

They're

a TB.

T-Bean?

T-B.

Just team teaing and coffee teaing and coffee leaf

you know i love this your children you're changing the game you you two children could die by age 18 and people would think you live rich full lives and that's what i want but how do we get to 18 yeah yeah do you have any longevity advice you you know so much about longevity do you have any advice about people who have been stuck at 11 years old for the last 12 years strong i am very strong

and tall what's your sort of like what are we eating what's our dying cigarettes mostly you're eating cigarettes a lot of cigarettes Okay.

Trying to bring down that lifespan, which is like getting older, right?

If your lifespan is shorter, if you die at 18, 18 is basically 86.

18 is the new 86.

And a lot of people say that our lives, you know, when you're very young, every hour seems like such a long time because you've lived so few hours.

The proportion of hours that you've spent on Earth is so small that an hour can just feel like an eternity to you.

15% of my life on your podcast.

I think those are good.

That's a good ratio.

I wouldn't change a thing.

I feel like I've spent almost 99% of my life on this podcast today.

Ember spent 30% of her life in the hospital.

That's true.

Yeah.

Either for her or her dad.

Yeah, that's true.

My dad is very sick.

He's got a very rare disease.

Actually, the only other person in the region that I've ever seen with this disease is you, Dash.

What disease is it?

Yeah, keep talking.

It's one where his bones are Legos.

Okay.

Oh, and you have bones or Legos?

It's fine as long as you have all of the pieces.

The problem is when you start losing pieces.

Got it, got it.

Is that more of a problem than when a normal person loses a piece of themselves?

When you mean normal person?

Yeah, what do you mean by normal person?

I'm sorry.

That was normative of me.

I'm just thinking about means and modes and medians of what you're doing.

Yeah, Mark Fripp, let's try to keep that kind of language.

You mean like if I lost Legos, would that be the equivalent of someone else losing bones?

That's right.

Yes.

Or would it be like a dream sort of flying away and you get a little bit older and you're sort of like, wow, I really thought I was going to be a singer one day and then you sort of have lost your joy of music.

That too?

Okay.

I don't think so.

Because a Lego you could conceivably replace with another Lego.

And I do.

Okay.

But you could replace a bone with like a titanium bone or another bone.

You could replace a dream with a kid.

I actually think we should stop doing that.

You lose a bone.

That's it for you.

That's it for you.

It gets you moving faster.

Sorry, pause real quick.

You're not having a kid.

Me?

Yeah.

Why not?

Oh, wait.

Are you thinking about the kids?

Are the kids that replace the dreams?

Yeah.

Okay, no.

But I don't know.

What if I want kids one day?

You didn't get pregnant with just

kissing Dash.

I'm 11 years old.

Scott, what do you think we're going to do?

Kiss like this?

We're 11 years old.

You guys are fiddling with the waistbands of yours.

Tenderly kiss Dash on the forehead.

And me on the cheek?

And that's all we know.

We're 11 years old.

I feel like it's illegal to watch this on so many fronts.

I'm fiddling with my waistband because I hate my babies.

Dash, can you Google where babies come from?

Where do

I've been on the Wikipedia page of that, but they don't allow me to edit it anymore.

What edits would you make if you could edit the Wikipedia page?

Just make a few, you know, I'd make a few changes to myself, you know.

Hey, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, sure.

How old are you?

How old am I?

Yeah.

Yeah, 22.

You're 22?

Whoa.

And I'm going to, God willing, I'll be dead in four years.

Do you, is there any kind of

like a time lock on you where you're like, if you're not naturally dead by then, you'll take matters into your own hands?

Is it cheating?

cheating.

Yeah, it's cheating.

Well, this is maybe kind of semantics, but you know, cigarettes are bad for you, that they're going to kill you.

So, if you're smoking or eating cigarettes, technically, it isn't.

You can smoke them if you want to die earlier rather than just eat them.

Although, eating them was.

I also smoke, but I mostly eat them.

My diet is mostly cigarettes, and I smoke all sorts of things.

But I'm just saying, if you know that they're going to kill you and you're eating them, isn't that technically cheating?

Oh, it's so mad.

He's red.

Oh, my God.

This is like the red Hulk.

This is Harrison Ford.

He's

a new Captain Hulk.

I feel like I'm about to do it.

Captain Hulk.

Captain Hulk.

Captain Hulk.

That's a good idea.

Hold on.

I wish Josh were here.

We would write a Captain Hulk movie.

Oh, God.

Josh would be so good at writing a Captain Hulk movie.

Oh, you know Josh?

I've just read his Wikipedia page.

Oh, yeah.

3M is that guy.

It's a ripping reading.

It's really good.

Scott, we had to tell you, too.

We love Spider-Man.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Now, what to you is Spider-Man?

The Pokemon that's half-man, half spider.

Oh, that's what I was telling you.

It's a spider, and then it evolves, and it's a bigger spider, and then it's a man.

And then it's a man who's sort of really grumpy and hosting.

Oh, I'm a spider, Spider-Man.

Maybe I'll write him now that I'm no longer.

Oh, right.

Oh, no.

Interesting.

But in any case, I mean,

what's going to happen to you if, say,

you actually end up living into your 60s, 70s, 80s, Paris, the thought, even 90s, and you have a rich, full life and you get married and you have grandchildren and children of yourself.

Yeah, maybe you could even, like, and if you were going to have children, like, how would that work?

Well, because the internet said babies.com.

Yeah.

We get babies from where you need them.

And I don't think that's the answer.

Yeah.

We get babies from where you need them.

I don't know.

That's what it's like.

That's what it's exactly.

It says get the strongest babies using monster energy drinks.

Is this like that Wayfair thing where you order the most expensive thing and you get a child delivered to you?

Oh, yeah.

Hold on.

Let me see the scale.

The scale of this picture.

It's important.

There's like a couch that's like, you know, several thousand dollars.

Oh, yeah.

I thought this was baby.

This is a laboo boo.

Oh, okay.

Got it.

In any case, what's going to happen to you if you live a rich, full life that you actually enjoy, but it takes you past the cutoff?

Just,

that sounds terrible for the human race.

This rules is really inefficient.

I'm hoping to have 17 or 26 kids by the time I'm 26, and then have reduced my own lifespan to the point that I will die and leave them to their own fruitful, efficient lives.

17 to 26?

Are you dating someone?

I'm dating multiple people.

Dating multiple people.

Yeah, you would have to with those kind of numbers.

Dating is, I am impregnating several people.

Oh, good.

I mean, thank you.

Look, honestly, if I was impregnating as many people as you at your age, I would probably live a happy life if I were to die early too.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's the intent.

I mean, it is, we got to maximize procreation and minimize life expectancy.

And that's just we cycle the people out fresher, newer ideas.

What if, what if, and here's just a theory: what if you, everyone lived as if they were going to die at 24

and just lived their lives with that kind of verve and vigor and tried to accomplish everything.

And then anything past 24 is like bonus time.

You know what I mean?

Do you write songs?

Do you think those are good lyrics?

That would make a beautiful song.

What if?

Dash, write that down.

Write that down.

What if and this is just a theory.

What if and this is just a theory.

You and really everyone.

Yeah, I'm liking it.

Live their lives like they were going to die at 24.

Okay, at some point, maybe you should make it rhyme, but I'm loving what I'm hearing so far.

Also, there hasn't been a patter section, which most most modern songs do have.

It's Mountain Dash.

Good.

They start with a rap.

Scott loves to collaborate.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm talking to you.

And I'm an adult, and adults do that to children too.

No, oh my gosh, watch this.

Zip my lip, eat the key, and you won't hear another peep from me.

Yeah, your dad's always saying that to you.

He's saying you do

eat the key.

You won't hear another peep from me, and he doesn't talk for the rest of the day.

That conversation just kind of had a patter section.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You write that down.

Eat the key.

But in any case, I think my point still stands: you know,

people, I get what you're trying to say.

Yeah.

People should live their lives a little more fruitfully while they have the time.

That's right.

And they should have less time to

encourage their fruitfulness.

Do you, I mean, why do we want this?

Do we want less people on Earth?

Is that what you're trying to say?

I mean, I do.

Are you not a people person?

I like having this many people on Earth because I look around and I go, oh, wow, there's 7 billion people on Earth.

Wow.

I mean, that's like...

That's so many.

That's so many that I get to meet eventually.

How many have you met?

Like 13.

How old would you have to be to meet 7 billion people?

I mean, I'll get to it at some point.

I honestly think I will.

If you thought you were going to die next year, how many people would you meet today?

I think no matter when I die, I'll get to it.

I definitely do.

I think I'll meet every single person on Earth.

I just...

It just seems like you would do it faster if you knew you had less time to live, right?

I'll do it on my time.

On my schedule.

Scoop.

Scott, this is not a long jump of your mind.

Scoop?

Oh, that's a pretty cool name.

That's a really cool name.

Scoop and his saber-toothed tigers taking over the league.

Where am I going at?

This is

a scoop bottom.

Yeah, it's not bad.

That's what I was told your name is from my Wikipedia page.

Can I ask for a question?

Yeah, it's on there.

If there's no old people, then how do we get like hairbreen professors that come up with these big, gigantic ideas sort of answering and asking existential questions and letting 11-year-olds be the face of the people?

And you're talking about Professor Oak.

A Professor Oak type.

Well, it could be anybody.

Yeah, like if we don't have really old people, how do we get like mega-rich people that have consolidated a ton of power and are using it to sort of like leech the surrounding land by unleashing an ancient evil?

Well, we've got to get rid of the estate tax.

That's a big part of this whole thing.

Oh, I see.

Okay, now I understand your whole point of view.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're going to let people pass their wealth that they earned with their hard work and ingenuity to their offspring.

They're 17 to 26 children.

And if there's no old people, whose house do you barge into?

So you can just kind of peek around and maybe there's a berry hiding in there, but maybe not also.

And that's the thing.

You find an elixir in their sink.

Yeah.

Now, what you're what if there's an elixir in their sink?

If there's no old person, then there's no elixir.

Do you think I haven't considered the question of an elixir in a sink?

When you are 24 and you're going to live to 26, 24 is very old, so you can seek into a 24-year-old's house, find the elixir in their sink.

Whoa.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you want to get away or do away with the predatory bridge loans that people have to take on once they pass away in order to inherit the.

If there's one thing I hate, I hate a predatory bridge loan.

I hate a death tax.

You just need...

I think, honestly, live to 26, do away with all taxes.

Do you have any money that you can leave your...

How many kids are you trying to have?

17 to 20?

I'm pretty rich.

I invented smart ties.

What are smart ties?

You know, twist ties?

Oh, yeah, that you put on like loaves of bread.

Yeah, those, but you can email from them.

Oh, cool.

I guess I haven't seen those, but

I sold the patent to ice.

It's like an air tag that you put on bread.

So everybody, the government knows who has bread now.

Oh, you sold this to ice.

I sold it to ice.

Okay, yeah, I think they're using it for different.

This is a lot like Tony Stark creating things in his lab, and then they're used for weapons.

Yeah, except for I want them to be used for weapons.

Oh, okay.

That's I'm kind of starting for like how can we use for weapons, and then uh, one of you know, one of the yeah, you're kind of a reverse Tony Stark, but it sounds like you started with something kind of fun and cute, and then picked it up and weaponized.

You're a you're a cart, you're a very stark.

Dark Tony was my rap name.

I'd love to hear some of your raps at some point.

Oh, jump beat.

I don't know if I have time today.

Okay, well, anytime I can do it now, I could do it later.

Monday start,

I'm here to say everyone should die a day closer today.

Don't live long.

Don't suggest

closer to today.

That's the name of the song.

Can you see?

No taxes.

So you just want no tax.

Okay.

I did no tax.

You started the estate tax, but then it extends to just.

Nobody asked me about any of the taxes.

You know what I mean?

Like, the IRS, it's just a suggestion.

I think so.

There's nothing in the Constitution that says we have to pay.

It's kind of a pay what you will.

It's like when you go to the Met and you're a New York City resident, you're like, oh, I'll put a little something in there.

It's not like Radioheads in Rainbows out.

Rainbows.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm more into their politics than their music.

That's a big part of Geodude's platform, actually.

I think you guys would get along really well.

It sounds like I would love for him to be called out here on the show, but apparently he's too busy to come on Comedy Banger.

He's not even in the ball anymore.

I'm sorry, Ember.

I keep trying to get him back into the ball, but sort of once a Pokemon's left the ball, it's really hard to put him back inside.

Yeah, I know.

Especially with Andy Richter, right?

Well, yeah.

He was so Andy Richter?

He was in Pokemon Bowl for a long time.

Andy Richter was literally how Dash was able to win all of those battles and become the channel.

Andy Richter was the one who...

Andy Richter is super effective against all types of Pokemon.

Some would call him broken

in terms of game systems.

Yeah.

And so he did get patched out.

And by that, I mean he refused to get back in the Pokeball and just sort of walked into the sunset and said, I'm starting a podcast.

Wow.

I never would have guessed it.

Wow.

Oh, yeah.

You haven't lived until you've seen Andy Richter read a psy duck to filth.

Yeah.

I've never lived and I never wanted to until now.

Well, Mark, I don't know that I agree with all of your assessments here about the human race because I don't know.

I like living.

And I don't know if I ever will die.

To each his own is a policy I'm trying to reverse.

But yeah.

Yeah.

I'm kind of the opposite.

So you don't know if you'll ever die.

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, me neither.

So far.

So far, I'm going.

We keep trying.

You keep trying?

Well, yeah, just to feel something.

It seems to me a kindred spirit.

But remember, if you do it to yourself, that's cheating.

Do you think when you die in your sleep, the dreams turn off, or do they keep going?

You know what I mean?

Oh, that's a really good question.

Yeah, they stop.

They stop.

Oh, yeah.

As soon as everything stops, everything stops.

All brain activity.

That's the hope.

Kind of like inception.

Well, tell you what.

Let's make a pact.

If you don't die by 28, I'll kill you.

Okay, but that's cheating if we make a pact.

Nope.

No, well, hold on.

Oh, a wink.

Okay, got it.

Yeah, an unspoken pact.

If I don't die by 28, I'll kill you.

You can't say it on the podcast.

Okay, and then nothing on the other end of it.

Nothing on the other.

So if you don't die by 28, nothing happens.

Just let him cook.

Yeah, I'm 29, by the way, so I've already passed it.

But

I would never have come on the show.

Great scoop.

Thanks, man.

Well, look, we are running out of time here.

There is really only one final feature that we have on the the show, and that is, of course, a little something called

plugs

your

shit.

And I hope that it's a hit.

Praise him.

But if

it is not,

then you can blame motherfucking scot.

Hey,

well, I don't like that.

That's cruel.

Yeah.

That was Wise Plugs by Shane Abraham or Ebrahim.

Thank you so much.

Don't appreciate

being referred to in that manner, but thank you so much for the plugs theme.

If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com/slash plugs and you can upload it.

You'll find everything you need there for remixes as well.

All right, what are we plugging now?

You know,

if only Josh Gonnellman were here, he would plug his special, but he's not.

But, Mark, what do you want to plug?

You should buy Josh's wife's book.

Her name is Barris Chrysler.

It's called I Want to Burn This Place Down.

I mean, good advice from anyone, including Mark Fripp here.

And also, positive reinforcement is the special on YouTube.

I'll plug it in.

His absentia.

I've seen 13 minutes of it, and it's really good.

Really?

The 11 through 13 minutes?

Yeah, go to the EBY joke.

It's killer.

Oh, man, that's awesome.

And Amber, what do you want to plug?

Well, as we sort of cross that predatory bridge zone over to the Galarian region, I just wanted to, I know that Dash is going on tour with Hillsong United, so I definitely want to make sure that everybody checks that out.

That's right.

www.megafaith.god.

Okay, cool.

So if you go ahead and check that out, and if not, there's a lot of horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad anti-trans bills happening across the country.

Go find a local organization that means something to you.

Or honestly, Transgender Law Center is a really transgender law center.

Say it again?

Don't mumble it, though.

Transgender Law Center is a really, really, was that good?

Yeah, that was good.

Take three.

Transgender Law Center is a really good place that you can double.

You just take three.

And Dash, what do you want to plug here?

When does this come out?

Very soon.

Oh, okay.

So...

What the fuck do you care?

Well,

it's going to be a living forever.

You know what Kickstarters are, Sean?

Yeah, I know it.

They're sort of time-intensive.

So when this comes out, it makes this other reality.

Oh, okay, cool.

Yeah.

Why do you think you're on this fucking episode?

Oh, I assume because it was another Pokemon trainer.

Yeah, no, no.

Oh, okay.

If you go to link.tr slash EE

off book.

Jesus Christ.

From the Offbook Instagram, there's a link there.

Jessica McKenna, a friend of this podcast,

you know,

an all-around star and I are making a mock trial movie.

Wow, damn.

Kickstarter.

Did I say me?

Not me.

Her.

She's doing it.

She's doing it with this friend of hers, Zach Reno.

A real loser.

Yeah.

And if you go to it's Off Book Pod Instagram.

Yeah, just go to Off Book Pod Instagram.

The link is right there.

Is it LinkedIn Jessin?

Who's that other guy?

Zach, I think.

Is it LinkedIn Jess and Zach's personal bios too?

Yeah, it's there too.

Oh, it's there too.

It's at all those places.

Thanks, guys.

This is a real team effort.

Really appreciate it.

And they're making a movie.

They're making a movie about mock trial, which apparently is a thing that people do in high school.

Yes.

I would know.

I've never been in high school.

You'll get there.

So you say.

Or you'll die first.

Or I'll die, Trump.

Hold on a second.

Did you hear that?

Bing!

I think you just got a pube.

Oh my God.

Let me see.

Okay.

Don't look at each other.

Yeah, don't look at each other.

It's not weird.

We're just friends.

Oh, my God.

Ember.

I got poobs.

Whoa.

You got poobs.

That's crazy.

Maybe you guys are growing up.

Wait, I'm going to need something to cover this up.

Is one of the rewards from the Kickstarter to get a t-shirt or a sweatshirt?

Wow, would you know?

Yes, they are.

That's really cool.

I'm going to need a new sweatshirt.

It's a bigger size.

Maybe medium.

We have medium, large, and small, all in the design for the fictional high school that the mock trial movie takes place at.

And the mascot is a Highland coup.

Wait, I'm going to donate right now, but can I get this sketch drawing from one of this really cool art sketch picture?

You really have intimate knowledge of the rewards of this Kickstarter.

It's because I'm looking on Instagram and I just donated, so I was sort of deciding what I wanted.

That's huge.

You can get any of these things or at all, giving at any level helps this movie get made because it's hard to get movies made.

Isn't that right, Scoop?

Yeah, it is.

And of course, they're great friends of the show, Justin Zach, and people should support this movie.

And I'd like to see this movie, so I want to contribute to it as well.

Hey, linked in all the Instagram bios, head on over.

Are you committing now to $5,000?

Tapping out.

That's huge.

That's huge.

i'm you know what i'm committing five thousand dollars of my time whoa whoa

to being in the movie uh well that would

about an hour i think

you're gonna give me in an hour

as a grip for sure i'm talking taillights yeah the last hour

um that's fantastic uh what do i want to plug i want to plug uh hey read the astonishing spider-man some interesting stuff's going on in uh especially to in tomorrow's episode or uh issue that comes out tomorrow.

There's a big Comedy Bang Bang

person who's on the podcast a lot who is guest starring.

And

yeah, just read tomorrow's issue and we can talk about it after that.

And let's see what else.

Go head over to CBB World.

CBB World has ad-free episodes of this show, Comedy Bang Bang.

It has all the older episodes that you can't get anymore.

Other than there, we also have

other podcasts like CBB Presents, Scott Hasn't Seen, College Town, The Neighborhood List, and so much stuff over there.

Womp It Up is over there.

All right, let's close up the old plug back.

Slide blade!

Oh, oh,

okay, thanks for for the coda there.

That was closed plugs by Alex Shattuck.

Thanks so much to Alex.

And I want to thank all of you.

First of all, Mark Fripp,

thank you so much for coming on.

I feel like you're going to be back.

Scott, thanks for having me.

Get busy living and get busy dying.

That's right.

I'll see you in four years.

God willing, you won't.

Hey, when you least expect it.

And how you least expect it as well.

I'm winking.

Thank you.

All right, fantastic.

And Ember and Dash, so great to have you guys.

Thanks, Scoop.

We really appreciate it.

I'm so glad that you guys could be on the same episode before you take off towards the, what is it, the gondola region?

What is it?

Galarian skulls.

Galarian.

Yeah.

Honestly, we've spent so long being enemies, I can't even believe that we had a lot more in common than I thought.

Yeah, it's almost like your rivals are a reflection of yourself and not something that you need to grind into dirt at the first possible opportunity.

Yeah, your faces are getting very close to us.

And not a physical reflection, even though we do look so similar.

We look quite similar.

Same eyes.

It's like as well.

Same lips.

Same nose.

I can't believe they're not getting this.

Stop talking about the lips, please.

same teeth

oh my god the cubes are just popping out wait do you feel that i think i'm 12.

yeah me too is this what 12 feels like oh my god you guys turned 12 right here on the show this is incredible we leveled up

yay

Oh, congratulations, guys.

Well, have a great trip.

Thank you.

Thank you out there.

I'm sorry.

I hope you guys both survive.

Why would you say that?

Yeah, I just hear it's rough.

There's a lot of gangs out there.

Yeah, no, don't worry.

We're 12, and that's basically an adult.

Yeah, we can take on team skull.

That's my legal point of view as well.

Okay, Mark Fripp.

The more I learn about you, the less I like about you.

All right.

That's going to be it for us.

We'll see you next week.

Thanks.

Bye.

I'm gonna put you on, nephew.

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