Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 4 (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)

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Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we're re-releasing fantastic episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from behind the paywall.

Now,

this is a very special week you have tuned into because we have reached the final episode in our Time Bobby Bonus Bang series.

This is Time Bobby 4.

This was originally released May 23rd, 2016, as as episode 423.

Amazing that we've done 500 episodes since then.

And it features Paul F.

Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber and Bobby Moynihan, of course, as the little stabby orphan Forval.

And in this episode, Forval insists he's changed his stabby ways.

What could have happened?

Well, you're going to have to tune in to find out.

You've already tuned in.

You can just keep listening.

Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other episodes featuring maybe Paul F.

Tompkins or Bobby Moynihan or maybe some of the other great people who are on Comedy Bang Bang?

Well, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every single live show we've ever done, ad-free new episodes, and shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

What's up, downward dog?

That's right, I'm into yoga now.

May the force be with you.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Why was I forced to listen to that?

You're not forced to.

First, you make me sit here in sit here in silence.

Yes.

As you play

theme songs, I commanded you to sit in silence.

You commanded a lord to sit in silence.

And yet you still did.

Because I am a guest, Doozy.

You're the host.

I'm the guest.

Yes, that is our dynamic.

I follow protocols.

British.

What about ghost protocols?

Ghost protocols?

Do you follow those?

Are you wearing a hood?

If I am in the home of a ghost.

How often does that happen, by the way?

When you were riding Sunset Boulevard, did you go by the house they shot it in?

I went to many haunted homes in Los Angeles to feel the presence of silent film rage.

Yes, yes.

Did you go to that haunted home that's just right off of Vermont, is it?

Where supposedly there's the Christmas tree?

Yes.

And the presence.

Where the doctor drank acid to kill himself.

First, he

did.

Did he drink the drug acid or did he drink acid acid?

He drank

carbolic acid.

Oh, okay.

Yes, okay.

First, he murdered his family by means of a hammer.

He hit them all with a hammer.

The most expedient way to kill someone.

You would take a doctor.

Yeah, with some other tool.

His choice of knives.

Hey, get my black bag.

Would you?

A lot of syringes.

This is what he's a frontier doctor.

He's got scripts.

Prescription.

Yeah, that's what they call it.

Yes.

I thought you were referring to the parent company of the old video.

Well, I always try to throw it in there.

By the way, I want to thank Robert Yoon, Robert underscore Yoon, I should say, for that wonderful catchphrase.

Thank you so much to Robert underscore Yoon.

And of course,

may I issue a special dripping with sarcasm, thank you, to this Robert underscore Yune?

Thank you.

A special dripping with sarcasm, thank you from the Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber himself.

And that shall serve as your introduction, Lord.

No, I say it!

No credits, none taken.

Welcome back to the show.

It's been a minute.

Scott Rick, yes, indeed.

We haven't seen each other in quite a while.

And thank you for having me.

I believe

this past Christmas time.

Did I see you last Christmas time?

Last Christmas time, yes.

Last Christmas time.

Last Christmas time.

I gave you my heart.

The very next day, Boxing Day, you gave it away.

Is that a song you wish you had written?

Yes.

Yes.

Scott Rick, don't you know?

I wish I'd written every song.

Ah, yes.

Think of the the money.

Oh, that's the money.

That's what you're into this for, is that right?

The money.

I'm in it for number one, the money.

Number two, the love of the music.

Number three, the runoff pussy.

Oh, dear.

I thought I was being cross.

By saying the ladies?

Yes, well, I'm a gentleman.

How many times have you been married?

So many times.

Yeah, are you in the middle of one now?

Yes, I believe so.

Or at the tail end of one now.

Well, it's hard to say.

Do you know, I'm not.

I'll be honest.

I'm not the most difficult chap to live with.

I have my little peculiarities.

Oh, I know.

Oh, you can imagine.

Well, you know, I like to puttle around the house in my dressing gown.

Yes, of course.

Well, I also like to patrol the grounds of my estate with a cricket bat.

And I play a little game called whacking a mole.

For moles or for robbers?

Whoever comes up and I consider a mole.

I'll whack them with my whacking symbols.

How many times have you whacked animals and how many times have you whacked human beings?

Animals, I'd say it's about to

carry the one 60% of the time.

So you are, when you were saying carry the one,

you were doing percentages by carrying ones?

Yes.

I don't know whether that's actually literally how you.

Carry the one percentage in front of the percent symbol.

Of course, yes, carry it over there.

Put them together.

It's simple maths.

Yes.

Much like grammars, carry that word over next to the period.

Yes, exactly.

Before I construct any sentence,

I have to arrange the words in the proper order.

And I imagine myself a little Lord Adrilloid Weber.

A Lordette.

In covering.

In covering alls.

Oh, yeah.

Perhaps a Lordino.

Yes, Lordino.

Much like on the Bloopers and Practical Jokes show, those little teeny.

Yes.

Yes.

I loved those little chaps.

Did you?

Can you imagine yourself as one of those little tiny workmen who would arrange the bloopers?

Drawn by a senor Sergio Aragorn.

Of course.

Marginal madness.

And I imagine myself arranging the words in the proper order.

I sometimes take a little break and I open up my lunching pail and I bring out my sandwich and I eat it.

Yes.

And then I close up my lunching pail.

I put it away to a mysterious place.

And then I resume work on the sentence.

And much like the bloopers and practical jokes, does something go awry in these sentences?

Do things blow up?

And.

Well, no, I speak the spit.

You speak the spit?

I speak the speech, you pray thee.

As it comes trippingly off the tongue.

Yes, the play's the thing where it will catch the conscience of the king.

Are you a big Shakespeare fan, Billy S.?

He's all right.

Hi, my name is Bill S.

He's all right.

Who's your favorite playwright of all time?

Can I include musicals in there?

Okay, musical colon theater or semicolon.

What is it?

Semicolon.

When are we going to hear this, by the way?

Well, do you know, there's a video episode of it up now.

Really?

Wherein I speak with Amy Mann and Ted Leo.

Theodore Leo?

Yes, they call themselves the both.

Ah, yes.

We've had them on the show.

Friends of the show.

Yes, yes.

Tedward Leo and a mean man.

And they.

I've always thought of her as a mean man.

Sort of like, you know,

someone living in a house that you don't want to hit your softball into their backyard.

I like the neighboring home alone.

Yes, of course.

But it turns out he's all right.

He's all right.

Well, that's how it is with a mean man.

Exactly.

Yes.

She's all right.

She's wonderful.

She's fine.

She's more than fine.

She's a wonderful lady.

She's okay.

I feel as if whatever compliment I give, you diminish the compliment.

Is there something that there's some sort of axe to grind?

I I just think some of her lyrics are pessimistic.

Well, that's the way it is with songs, isn't it?

They're not all happy and delightful.

Some of them are quite grim.

You getting a call?

There's a text alert.

What's this?

Who texts?

Andrew Lloyd Weber.

People still like musicals.

Good.

Really?

Is this a daily alert or is it an hour alert?

Yes, I have my manager text me.

And how does he do, how does he gather this intel?

I don't know.

Where is he getting his?

I hate people for that.

I am a creative type, and so I think about the creative ideas.

It's just like polling, like the presidential polls, where you call up and whoever's there to answer a poll.

You know, that's why they say Trump is doing so well in the polls.

Because people are home.

People are home.

The people who would vote for Trump are...

Jobless, toothless.

Miscreants.

Wait a minute.

You always come, of course, wearing your cloak.

Is it a cape or a cloak?

It's my cape.

It's my ermine cape.

May I ask a question that I've never asked of you before?

I'm open to any question you might ask, dear boy.

Is that much like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak?

Well, if you've seen it and you're asking about it, chances are, no.

Well, you can see his cloak.

It's just when you put it on something.

Yes.

Well, but you've seen it on me.

I'm not walking about with it over my shoulder, Frank Sinatral style.

I think you have to be completely covered by it in order for.

Well, I don't know.

That's true, I guess.

Well,

let me say this.

Yes.

If it were a true cloak of invisibility,

it would be a bad idea to tell you if it were.

Like this one right here.

Jesus.

Hello, Elf.

Skodric, did you hear that?

I heard something.

I heard a wee voice.

Yes,

I did as well.

I heard

alike in this.

A voice akin to something of a smurf or some sort of naughty elf.

Some sort of little pixieish voice, but as I look around,

keeping my head level at eye level, yes.

Certainly.

I don't see any sea level.

We are at sea level, so I'm clearly.

We are at sea level.

We are not recording this in Denver Colorado.

Oh, no, no, certainly not.

Well, I guess that was just a trick of the ears.

Both of our ears were tricked.

Hello?

What?

Oh, shit,

hello, hello again.

I'm hearing that voice again.

Is this a Neil Diamond record sped up?

Hello again?

No.

Let's listen further to see if it says anything about turning on one's heartlight.

I'm listening.

I'm listening.

Hello, turn on your heartlight.

It is.

It's my voice, right?

A Neil record.

A Neil Diamond records recording.

of course, greatest hits, of course.

Because those two songs never appeared on an album together, other than greatest hits.

They're being played on the wrong speed.

Ah, we cracked it.

Much like a chipmunk's record, and we are Dave Alvin?

Dave Alvin, yes, from the Blasters.

Dave Alvin and the Chipmunks.

I think that was his name, though, wasn't it?

Well, no.

Yeah, Alvin was the chipmunk, and Dave called him

Dave!

Dave Thomas from Wendy's

Mary and the Chipping Monks.

Well, we've cracked it.

Let's locate the source of this recording, though.

The phonograph.

Let's look up in the air.

Perhaps it's above us.

That's the best place to start.

Always, yes.

Yeah, and there we are looking up and

looking at all four corners of the room.

I see a ceiling.

I see any Victrolla mounted just below the ceiling.

I don't know.

Oh, I heard.

That didn't sound like a Neil Diamond song.

Wait, what did he say?

He said, getting colder.

Getting colder.

That could be a Neil Diamond.

Getting colder.

Getting colder.

You do a wonderful impression of.

Yeah, people, people, I wish more people asked me to do my famous mimicry.

Oh, well, let's hear some of your other impressions.

May give me a request.

Okay, Patrick Swayze.

Patrick Swayze.

I'm a goose.

Very good.

Neil Carter.

ETA Chicken Bay.

First movie Nail?

Yeah, just calling back something from

Trello.

Give me a break.

I certainly deserve one.

I've had a very rough time of things lately.

You are wonderful.

Thank you.

Did you ever think of going onto the stage rather than being behind it?

I've thought of it so many times.

Saying the wrong words.

Now, do you

hear that?

Give me a break.

I sure deserve it.

My God, I got up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now that voice that accused me of saying the wrong words, then

it seemed started off cracking good.

Then ended up saying, plep, plep, plep.

Plep, plep, yes.

Well, I don't know.

Do you think that we are being haunted by the ghostess of Nell Carter?

She was her unfinished business.

I've done some terrible things to her while she was alive.

Watch, Skotrick!

What have you done to Nell Carter?

She's the star of Give Me a Break.

Typical Malfeasance?

Business Malfeasans?

Yes, of course.

Oh, dear.

I had a Ponzi scheme going on with her.

Perhaps she wanted to reprise her role in a Broadway revival of hair.

Oh, of hair?

Yeah.

She was in hair.

She was in hair.

Really?

I think.

She sang the song about black boys.

I sure do like them.

Never gotten that far.

It's time to get a plip-plep.

Yeah, there you go.

What about a jukebox musical of Give Me a Break?

A jukebox musical?

Yes.

All with breaks.

The situation comedy that had one song?

Yes, but it would all be songs that have to do with breaks.

So you would import.

Break me off a piece of that.

Kid Kat Bar.

Well, we've solved this mystery, obviously.

We're being haunted by Nell Carter, so there's no reason to look down at our needs.

Balco's razor, sometimes the most simple answer is correct.

Yes.

No shit, Sherlock.

Not Nel Carter.

Not taken.

You know what?

I heard something else again.

Yes.

I believe that we should.

We've already looked up.

Yes.

We've looked eye level.

Yes.

As far as I'm concerned, there's only one direction in which to look, and that might be down.

Going down.

Down, down, down in elevator.

Do you wish you wrote that song?

Yes, of course, I do.

Of course.

I have two wishes left.

What do you think you're going to wish for?

Probably that I would have written another hit song.

Justin Gigolo.

Just a gigolo, in every place I go.

Wrong words.

It's just a jigolo.

It talks.

Scott Rick.

The mystery of this voice, it devils me.

It's nagging at the back of my skull like an itch that I can't quite scratch.

Skull itch?

Yes, sklitch.

Internal.

That's a great Star Wars character.

Sklinch.

Internal Sklitch?

Yes.

I've been...

I've a...

Let me do it.

I've a turtle sklinch.

Take my jacket.

It looks better on you.

Pretty good.

Well, Andrew Lloyd Weber, I think that we should just.

Okay, that's it.

Taking off the cloak.

Whoa!

Skulldrick!

Hello.

Hey, look!

Do you see what I see?

Yes, of course I see what you see.

Little boy, da-da-da-da-blip.

Do you see what I see?

Over there in the corner of the studio.

Blip-blip-blip.

I do see what you see.

I do see what you see.

A boy, a boy,

sitting in the corner

with a

knife and a cloak.

That fell apart very blip-blip blip.

Scottrick.

Hello.

Yes, hello.

Hello, hello, hello.

We'll get to you in a second.

Skotrick, yes.

Lord Weber.

I believe it's that murderous little scamp, Fool.

Is that his name?

I forgot it.

It's been so long since he was.

Did you forget his name here?

It's been about a year.

Over a year?

Did you hear what he said?

Yes.

It's been over a year.

I think that it might have been.

Yeah, it's been

over a year.

Let's not quibble over semantics.

It's been a whim.

We need to address this head-on.

We do.

The longer we pay no attention to him, the more upset he'll get.

I do believe you're right.

Let us turn our heads, you to the right and I to the left.

Good plan.

And look him straight into one of his eyes as he'll have to split focus.

Certainly.

All right.

But that doesn't mean

we have to split focus.

No, you'll look into his left eye.

Right.

RIP.

R2D too soon.

And I will look into his right eye.

Yes?

Yes.

All right.

Whatever we do.

Let let us not go chasing waterfalls.

Never, never, never.

Let us not go gentle into that good night either.

On the count, well, countdown.

All right.

To the turn.

All right, so three, no, no, no.

Five, four, three, nose, one.

Here we go.

Hello.

Ah, teacher.

I have my eyes.

What's the matter, Forval?

Trying to focus on both of you at the same time.

It's almost impossible.

Tell you what, go ahead and go back and forth between us, depending on who's talking.

Hello.

Forval.

Hello.

It's so very

nice to see you.

We certainly are seeing you.

You look terrified.

Well,

one man's terrified is another man's treasure.

I'm terrified of how happy I am to see you.

It's so frightening.

These feelings, I didn't expect them to be so intense.

I understand why you would be scared, but I just came to say hi and thank you and hello.

Thank you.

Forvalville.

Just for everything.

You've always been so nice to me and wonderful to me.

And I just, I feel like in the past I've done bad bad things.

Well, Fauville, that is

the understatement of the century, and we're just getting started with this one.

Yes, it's a relatively new century, that's true.

About 16 years in, as well as now, Fauville, it is true that

the last handful of times we've seen three, to be precise.

A cartoon character's handful.

Correct.

This completes the white gloved hand of that cardou Gerriga.

Yes.

On previous occasions.

Veritable Mickey's glove of appearance in the world.

Indeed.

Of course, of course.

On previous occasions when we have encountered you, you have stabbed the shit out of everything I saw.

Oh, yes, including us.

Yes,

you've repeatedly stabbed us.

Yes.

In fact, I thought we were dead after a few of these.

Yeah.

Yes.

I believe some of them ended on what appeared to be our deaths, and then the next week we were just all right.

Are we in that

Tom Cruise movie?

The die rinse.

Is it impossible?

Ghost Protocol?

No.

Die, die, rinse, repeat.

Wait, what?

D-Y-E?

Die, rinse.

Period, rinse, period, repeat.

You know, I do, I, speaking of that, top ghost company.

I think

any person that you see,

any person that you see on television or in the movies has gray hair and is dying it.

Any person.

Every single person.

Every single person.

Just imagine anytime you're watching a television show or a movie, every single person has gray hair.

Present company.

Male or female.

Present company accepted.

Well, Forval, you're welcome, and it's so great to see you.

Yes, we are saying positive things because we do not wish to be stabbed.

Yeah, I'm not going to stab you unless you fuck it up, you know?

Unless you're okay, yeah.

If I may.

Yeah, no, please feel free.

I'm in a very good mood.

I just want to say that.

You're in a good headspace?

Yeah.

Yeah, I really am.

I really think I'm a bitch.

You do look very positive.

You have a certain aura or a glow.

I feel it.

I don't feel stabby at all.

There's a serenity of your countenance.

That's good for a starter.

What have you eaten?

I had more than scraps.

More than scraps.

Do you have a Boston cream pie?

I had a Boston cream pie.

No, Forval, historically, you are a little urchin, little tiny street urchin, and you've subsisted mainly on scraps.

Scraps and dirt.

But I see the outline of a whipped cream goatee around your mouth.

Yeah, I didn't even wipe it off because I'm so proud.

Well, pride cometh before a fall, Forval.

I don't understand.

Well, it goeth.

But I like Cometh.

I'll bet you do.

Jesus Christ.

Filthy curve.

Fucking animal.

He really is.

He really is.

Oh, I'm so glad we're bonding.

Oh, it's great.

Fauval.

Where did you get this

creamed pie?

I did a little job.

I mowed a lawn.

That was almost a song.

I did a little job.

I mowed a lawn.

Finishing a hat.

And she gave me a birthday cream.

Are you allowed to sing a Suntheim song?

Of course I am.

I'm allowed to sing whatever song I like.

Well, I just didn't know.

I mean, isn't he your main arch rival?

Certainly.

Why wouldn't I want to sing his songs and not do a very good job of it?

Sing his songs.

Kitty Trigger hat.

He'll probably piss him off if you sing his songs.

Exactly.

Four of all you get.

Yeah, you got him.

You get him.

Wow, you guys are really on the same page soon.

Yeah, we are.

This is incredible.

Where did you get this pie that has been creamed?

I did a little job

related

and she gave me a pip for it.

She gave you a pip?

Oh, I meant pie, but

it stabs better.

I thought pip was a form of currency that little orphan boys used.

Yeah, I only deal in pips.

If you haven't got a pip, a hay pip will do.

If you haven't got a hay pip, if you will.

You got a hay pip.

Now, who was this nice lady?

You're not going to believe this.

I won't.

Oh, wait, okay.

Can we guess?

I would love it if you did.

First of all, hey, guys, great to see you.

Hi, it's great to see you.

That's great to guess the game.

I like it.

All right, here we go.

Was it Lindsay Wagner, the Bionic Woman?

From the box?

Right out of the box.

Right out of the box.

Right.

Jamie Summers from Ohio.

Wow.

You cut my guess right off at the knees.

Who are you going to guess?

Just out of cooking.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

She was dyed together.

RBG.

RBG.

She lives next door.

She lives next door.

Now, was it the character of the Bionic Woman or the actress who portrayed her?

Oh, right?

Incredible.

The Incredibles were there as well.

Stretchy lady.

Not Frozone.

Fast guy.

He wasn't already.

Frozone, that's good to know.

Oh, Lord Weber.

I had a bit of a frog in my throat.

I know.

Probably from singing that Soundheim song.

So, wow, you mowed a lawn.

I mowed a little lawn with a little mower and I got a little pie for the sword.

It was a tiny mower, because I would think you wouldn't be able to reach up to the street.

Yeah, I can't have real mower.

It's terrifying to me.

Yeah, your feet wouldn't fit.

You wouldn't have to.

No, I might get sucked up underneath.

True, you're very wee.

Was it one of those acoustic lawnmowers?

Acoustic lawnmowers?

The electric one?

Well, yes, the very old-fashioned ones that you would just like to do.

Oh, was it just like the little, it looks like the DNA thing spinning around under the hair?

Exactly.

Yeah, no, I'm not that sad.

Like Jurassic Park going on down there.

You call it acoustic.

That's interesting.

Yeah, it's not electric.

I'm a musician.

Yeah, I would think that the word acoustic, when it refers to guitars, comes from the fact that the acoustics reverberate inside the guitar and music comes out.

I looked at you like you were crazy when you said that, but then almost instantly I went, maybe he's the smartest man in the world.

Well, there's an electric uh lawnmower.

I don't think acoustic is

electric records and an acoustic drum.

Do you think Jimi Hendrix had a left-handed lawnmower?

That he would he would mow the lawn behind his head.

Do you think Jeff Lynn also has the acoustic light orchestra?

Yes.

Well, he'd be a fool not to.

He would.

He's really got to get on it.

It's all candles.

But why it stands to reason why in the winter I sometimes enjoy my acoustic blanket pulled up right around my neck.

Of course, of course.

A horse, a horse.

My goodness.

Well, good chime in.

Hey, one of the best.

When you're talking chime-ins, you go to your old boy, Scotty Ox.

Scott Rick, I feel as if we're getting sidetracked from the main bit of business, which is Forval has reappeared in our lives.

Well, yes, I mean, first of all, where have you been?

Where have you been?

Where did you get the invisibility cloak?

And what changes have gone in your life?

Is it just, you know, work does a body good?

Or do you know

where you're going to?

Do you know the things that life is showing?

Oh, you went up.

Now, are you from Twin Peaks or something?

Why?

The words you were saying didn't sound like human speech.

Do you know you're going to

that cube you like is coming back in style.

I auditioned

for the little fellow

for the little

man from another place.

What happened?

I did it all forwards, and they said that was wrong.

Wait, and what happened after that?

I went home.

Oh,

and what happened after that?

I know you would think that I stabbed everyone.

I just assumed, yes.

Yeah, but no, you're a new forward.

Wow, tell us about it.

Tell us about the changes in your life.

I just, you know, the last time I was here,

we time traveled a bunch and killed us.

We were all wearing masks.

We don't need to go into it.

It's so hard to do.

The listener is certainly welcome to revisit that episode.

And probably should.

Maybe pause right now, listen to that episode.

Three of them.

Maybe listen to all three previous episodes.

Listen to the cartoon handfuls of episodes.

Yes, they were all called Time Bobby, if I'm not correct.

I believe, yes.

Because of your previous status or current status.

Oh, yes, I believe I also was a time bobby.

Yeah, we were all time bobbies.

Yeah, but this certainly is not the case anymore, any longer, right?

Anymore.

I mean,

bon mom.

Bon bon.

Bon bon.

Yeah, I've been taking a little French.

I'm just really starting to expand myself as a person.

You've been taking art classes?

Taking some art classes.

I took some art classes, too.

I'm just kidding.

Very, very impressive.

Classic chime in from Forval.

Ah, great stuff, Forval.

I appreciate it.

CCI from Evan.

It can't be you.

Wow.

So

what's happening?

I mean, the last time we saw each other, it was such chaos, and now you're so at peace.

Yeah,

I just thought, you know, I'm sick and tired of making this world worse.

I got to make it better for everyone, including myself.

What led to this change of heart, to this moment of clarity?

Do you have an epiphany?

Another Sondheim song.

What?

From Sweeney Todd, Epiphany.

Oh, yeah.

It's called Epiphany.

And let me guess, someone in it has an epiphany.

Yeah.

Well,

very clever.

You're not going to sing.

You're not going to sing happy birthday and they're not going to be birthday.

Help!

Help!

What happened, Scottrick?

You're not going to sing happy birthday, and they're not be birthday.

Oh, you have...

Skotrick, that drug is wearing off.

Oh, God.

And you're reverting back to your stupid state.

Oh, God.

Give me drug.

Give me drug.

Yeah, hold on.

Hold on.

Give it to him quick.

Quickly.

Quickly.

I need water.

I need water.

Get your sound effect, Record.

I need water.

Oh, no.

Oh, God, boy.

Take water.

Take water.

Yes.

Put pill in mouth.

Oh, God.

You definitely heard the water.

Oh, boy.

Who took that pill?

I want that pill.

Who took that pill?

I want that pill.

Who took that pill?

Give me that pill.

Okay, we're back to normal.

That was very close.

That was very close.

That's the first tense moment we've had where I didn't, it wasn't caused by me trying to kill you.

That's true.

No.

Oh, well, that's very true.

As a matter of fact, this may be the first time I was involved in saving your life, right?

Thank you so much.

You leapt into action, dude.

I didn't leap high, but

I tried.

About an inch off the ground.

It was very impressive.

Three apples high.

Three apples.

Wow.

Like a smurf.

Do you judge everything by length of apples?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Do you know, in the cartoon version of the smurves,

I feel as if they're slightly smaller than three apples high.

If you really think about

three apples.

Think about how tall that would be.

be yes and think of if a little fucking blue smurf came running in like that it would look at that that's a crazy but i think but i'm saying yes that would be terrifying but i feel as if on the television program they were living mushrooms

yes a mushroom

not even as big as an apple

a mushroom would love to be as big as an apple

with multiple mushrooms yeah the mushroom

dreams all day of being as big as an apple

mushroom

could be a fucking apple mushroom dreams And all I dream all day about is, oh, this pill isn't worth it.

It's on the side of mushroom shoes.

God, a little bit of the pill stuck on the side of your lips.

Give me that pill.

Give me that pill.

Why don't you write your progress report?

Okay, I'm back, guys.

Oh, boy.

I felt like I was on a high after the first

20 minutes.

Too many of those pills.

Oh, God, I need them.

I got to feel limitless.

Oh, well, Forval, that is so great to see.

I mean, it's so wonderful to see you in such such a wonderful place.

And are you seeing anyone?

Hard-hitting questions.

Come on, Forval.

Tell us about the old love life.

Give us the hot gas.

Choke on some hot gauge.

I'm doing okay in the ladies' department.

Yeah.

I'm spraying.

I think I do.

I think you do.

Say it.

Don't spray.

One ladies' man to another.

I've been dating Whoopi Goldberg on and off for about six months.

From the view.

Yeah,

really?

Yeah, you got quite a bit.

Theodore Rex.

Oh, yes, the dinosaur movie that never was released.

Her population.

That was never released.

Well, it was released on stream.

Director.

Yes, STV.

Felt like a favor.

Well, no, she was sued and she had to be in it.

Is that true?

That is very true.

It's true.

Yeah.

It's also true.

I don't know what about the original script that she presumably read.

It was just the idea.

She loved the idea.

Or maybe didn't love it but was paid a lot of money to do it.

She loved the idea.

The execution execution was what she had the problem with.

Yeah, it could have been.

I don't think we're doing this the right way.

We're not doing justice.

Well, I'm a policeman.

My partner is a dinosaur wearing sneakers.

Yes.

A fat Tyrannosaurus rex.

It's not the way I would do it.

Favorite dinosaur.

This is not the way I envisioned it.

Have you brought this up to Whoopee when you're going down on her?

I did once, and yeah.

She was just, yeah.

She was in the throes of ecstasy.

She didn't say nothing.

She just said, keep going.

I would imagine you're three apples high.

That's about the size of a big

size of a big Johnson.

This is unseemly.

Fucking the lady.

This is even for you, Skoltrick.

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

It's locker room talk.

I do apologize.

So you think I put my whole fucking body and Wobby Goldberg's putty and dance around in there?

Yeah, I think of a Fauville, I think, Sculpture.

The fuck is wrong with you?

Just got carried away.

Just got carried away.

The spirit of Bono Mi, he just got carried away.

I just thought we were having a good time.

We're all guys.

This is the language of the body.

I feel like I got a little heated there for a second.

Oh,

wow.

Yes, but everything's fine now.

You took a deep breath.

Yes, indeed.

Maybe just give me one second here.

Cleansing breath.

Oh.

Whatever works.

I just had to take a look at it.

As Larry David once said.

Yes, as Larry David once said.

Okay, you feel good now?

I feel a lot better.

Yeah?

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

I apologize.

I almost reverted right back.

But I apologize.

I set you off, and I shouldn't have said that.

You shouldn't have apologized.

You should have apologized.

I should, and I am.

Well, I take it and I listen to it and I appreciate it, and I put it in my brains.

Put it in your pocket.

Save it for a rainy day.

I love our singing.

I love our singing.

Yes, it is.

Three-part harmony.

This is wonderful.

It's as things should be.

Yes, everything is great.

I got the horse right here.

His name is Paul Revere.

And here's the guy that says the weather's clear.

We can do.

Can do.

The guy says the horse can do.

If he says the horse can do.

Scott, take your pills.

Can do.

Oh my God.

Can do.

His name is Valentine.

Now we're not supposed to all sing.

One moment.

I was trying to start.

One moment, chaps.

Yes.

We're not supposed to sing

all of the verses all at the same time.

Oh, that's right.

It's a round.

People sing individually, and we all sing it together.

Okay, so

I'll do the there's a guy right here if you want to go on to Valentine.

And then I'll do epitaph.

Okay, epitaph.

There's more to it than.

Oh, okay.

I got the horse right.

We're just doing the here we go.

No,

one, two, three.

I got the horse right here.

His name is Paul Revere.

There's a guy who says if the weather's clear, can't be.

Can do

the horse can

do.

There's a guy who says

five, two, nine.

I'm going to go to the house.

Can go and drink.

I got the horse right here.

His name is Paul Revere.

There's a guy who says

the weather's clear.

Can do.

Can do.

That guy says the horse can do.

Guys and dolls.

Epitaph.

I got the horse

right

here.

But seriously, how is Whoopi Goldberg's pussy?

It's sweet.

Crazy.

Scott Rick.

What?

I cannot.

What's wrong?

I just went right back to the thing.

I got Whoopi Goldberg on the mind.

We've all

got it.

Now I'm going to take these out.

Oh, no, no, no.

Foolville, please, Fulval.

I haven't taken these out in a very long time.

You see all the cobwebs?

Yes, I do.

I do.

I do.

The steel is gleaming through the cobwebs.

There's a spider on those cobwebs, and it looks radioactive.

How can they be kind of cobwebs, but so sharp?

Because

I keep them sharp.

Oh, no.

I'm going to have to put cobwebs on them.

Wait, why?

Because it makes me feel better.

I also have many spiders I take care of.

Okay,

did you say one of the spiders was radioactive?

It looks it.

It was glowing.

It bit me recently.

Oh, my God, really?

I want to hear the story of this, but we have to take a break.

We have to take a break.

I want to hear the story.

Check yourself.

You mentioned my lady's pussy again.

I'm going to fucking kill you.

Okay, all right.

I'm sorry, Varville.

All right.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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You know, when you think about game day,

you might not think Wayfair, right?

I mean, they're two, one's two words and one's one word.

First of all, that's confusing right off the bat.

And then they're totally different letters, although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair and the W and the

Y is in both.

I mean, this is pretty similar, actually.

Game day, Wayfair.

I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair, right?

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I mean, when I say I, I mean cool-op.

Kulop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff.

She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween,

a rabbit sitting with a ladybug.

That, I guess that's year-round.

That can just stay out there forever.

So, yeah.

So, Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with, of course, Lord Andrew Lord.

Of course.

Andrew Lord.

It's Lloyd.

If you have a name like Lloyd in your name, then you should change it to Lord if you become a Lord.

Do you know?

It's almost as if you can substitute Lord for Lloyd.

You can take the Lloyd out if you wish.

And it would still be proper to address me as Andrew Lord Weber.

Yes, but don't take the Lloyd out of Chris Lloyd.

Christopher Lloyd.

No, don't eat Lloyd.

Christopher Lloyd.

Christopher Lloyd.

That's that.

Alex, I got to do a drama.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christopher Lloyd.

That's a new holiday.

Why was he saying Merry Christmas?

Because

they're pretty good Grids for Lloyd.

Oh,

what does a yellow light mean?

1,000 gigawatts.

Did I do it?

Yes, you did.

You're very good.

Well, we're here also.

We're here.

It's good now.

We're here with Forvolt, the little orphan boy.

That's me.

I'm a little baby boy.

A little baby.

So you're a baby?

Yeah.

Well, in a figurative.

You're not an infant, but in a figurative sense.

Have you gone through the terrible twos yet?

Yeah, yeah.

I got all my teeth.

Permanence?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Teeth and jobs go hand in hand, I've always said.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Teeth and jobs go hand in hand.

One is silver, the other

grand is grand.

Yes, of course.

So, Forval,

before the break, you whipped out your knives, which were very cobwebby.

Sorry, but you brought that on yourself.

I brought that.

Certainly, I admit that, and my fascination with your love life knows no bounds, and yet I should

put bounds on them.

Don't go out of bounds, stay in bounds.

Of course, yes.

We looked at your knife, and on one of the cobwebs, there was a spider that was glowing.

Yes.

It seemed to be radioactively.

And you said that you were bitten by this spider, and we were going to go into the story of it.

And

I now would like to hear that story.

I also would like to hear the story.

Cosign.

We have a quorum.

Hey, Nongman.

Now that two people have stepped forward, I will definitely tell the story.

I was sitting alone in my room.

Your room?

Wait, do you have a room now?

I have a room.

You finally have a home?

I got a little room.

You're a regular Brie Larson.

Do you have table and bed?

I do not.

I just have a room, but I'll take it.

Oh, Micah, who gave you this room?

Brie Larson.

She- Wait, you're living with Brie Larson?

Yeah.

She gave it to me after we did the Comedy Bang Bang television show together.

Oh, that's right.

You were on that episode together.

That's right.

The only time this has ever crossed over.

Oh, how?

The cannons are crossing over.

This is like crisis on infinite earth.

Wow, so she had, she gave you a little room.

How nice of her?

Yeah, it was very nice.

Not that, I mean, it could be nicer.

She's a rich actress and stuff.

Do you think she's rich?

I mean, because appearing in room is not the biggest payday ever.

I heard it was $39 million.

What?

This now?

Yeah.

Wow.

$39 million.

And that's just the Oscar basket alone.

Yeah, well, she better pay taxes on that.

$39 million in goods.

Yeah,

like...

In swag.

Schwag.

Oh, yeah, swag.

And what I'm guessing is moisturizer and sunglasses.

So many.

Maybe one spa trip.

What were you going to say about swag?

It used to be swag.

Yes, swag.

And then because people kept using the word swag as in swagger.

Swagger.

Yes.

They started saying swag.

Yes.

And I think it's a damn shame.

I do too.

I'd rather have free stuff than looking cool.

Yeah.

I wish we could go back to those carefree Halcyon days of swag.

Yes, could you imagine?

But you know what?

Progress.

That's what it's all about.

Things cannot remain the same.

I was about to stay at the top of my time machine, but I don't mess with that stuff no more because it messed up my life.

Yeah.

So now, you no longer travel through time.

I'm trying to get out of the time bobby business.

I'm out.

You know, just like the mafia, you know.

Right.

But now tell us about your life currently.

I mean, you were bitten by this spider in your little room.

I've just been doing little jobs here and there, little jib jabs, you know.

Have you been making those jib jab videos?

Yeah, every yeah.

Sending them about?

Yeah.

What's your favorite one?

Well, I just got a cell phone, which is nice.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, I'm doing pretty good.

So what happened with this spider, though?

It bit you and then what happened?

Oh, I was in my room that Brie Larson gave me.

Sure.

And, you know, I was just looking around, doing nothing, thinking how I wasn't killing nobody and how great I felt.

And this little blue and red spider came down from the ceiling.

Yes.

And it came on one little spindly little web.

What do they call it?

It's just a web.

A web.

A web left.

Along came the spider.

Along came the spider.

And he sat down beside you.

Yeah, sat down beside me.

Were you eating anything at the time?

I think I was eating a big bowl of porridge, maybe.

Is that possible?

Two ingredients, perhaps?

Wait, what?

Curds, perhaps?

Oh, that's right.

I was eating curds and Cheerios.

Oh, man.

And the spider bit me.

Now I can swing around and do all sorts of superhero type stuff.

What's this?

What?

Wow.

Really?

Yeah, I didn't want to talk about it, but I'm pretty much Spider-Forville now.

Spider-Forville!

Spider Forval.

Spider Forval.

Does whatever a Spider Forval can.

Okay.

Wow, the Fantastic Spider Forval.

Amazing.

Well, the Fantastic Four crossed with Spider Forval.

Oh, I see it.

Very clever.

There you go.

Wow.

I'm glad you're taking that pill.

I want that pill.

You've taken it.

Yeah, well, I got that pill.

Yes, you did.

I am now limitless.

You took that pill.

Yes.

Go ahead.

So, wow.

So, I mean, are you doing good for mankind out there?

Is that what's happening?

You know,

I'm still in the coming up of the costume phase.

Oh, where you're sketching?

Yeah, I still, like, you know, I have like a half-costume that looks like a good one, but it's reminiscent of what it should be, but it's not quite there yet.

I like in the Smith Man.

As once I get that down, I'll start, you know, solving crimes.

I like in the spider-man movies when peter parker sketches his costume you then cut to the close-up and he's as good as current comic book guard he's like of an original jack kirby he's like filhiman as well what are you chaps talking about spider-man movies you've never

spider-man movies they made movies of the spider-man a bunch not the slender man

no fine notes the spider-man he's like a radioactive spider trap he does whatever a spider can and should

spins a web any size yeah small to medium large That's right.

The whole range.

Yeah.

Catches crooks.

Thieves.

Thieves.

Just like flies.

Hey there.

There goes the Spider-Man.

Yeah, that's what we say every single day.

And yet they made movies about this guy.

They've made movies.

Who would go see these?

They can't have done well.

I've never heard of them.

I mean, the first one set a record for.

The first one.

How many have there been?

There have been several.

There's been several people who have played the first one.

What's this now?

Yes, from Toby Maguire to Garfield.

Toby McGuire from the Isaac Zoom?

Yes, of course.

He plays hide to match.

Yes, as did Garfield.

Yeah.

Garfield's a catch.

Yes.

He hates Mondays.

Yes.

He loves the Zania.

Yes, of course.

And John Arbuckle is his best friend?

Yes.

And I remember that now?

He lives next to Dave Allen, Alvin.

From the chipmunks.

Wow.

So, yeah, no, they made a whole bunch of movies about it.

And

yeah, no, they're very popular.

Good luck, Isaiah.

A lot of source material.

So, you are out there, you're out there

making your costume currently.

Excuse me, all right.

Yeah,

are you all right?

Who are you?

Him?

Are you

are you having any residual effects from the radiation?

Yeah, I think ever since it I got bit, I mean, I've been stronger, I can sense things, I have like a four-value sense.

Do you mind taking off your little newsy cap to show us your hair?

Oh my god,

he's completely bald.

Hair, it seems so fallen out,

Are you shaving your head?

No, I just got bit by a spidey.

Four, for one moment.

Yeah,

I'll just go stand in a corner for a minute.

I want a mess of hair.

Little clumps, and

his hat was full of hair.

Full of hair.

Oh, my God.

He was terrible.

This poor little fellow.

It's radiation poisoning.

I was going to say, you look, you're very fit.

You're very lean.

Thank you.

But I think you might be emaciated almost.

Just, I don't.

Not Aunt Maciated.

Yeah.

Okay.

Not Aunt Macy Gray made it, who was also in the spirit of the world.

Goodbye, but I choke.

Tried to walk away and not stumble.

If I try to hide it, it's clear.

My world crumbles when you are not here.

Can I ask Forval, when you say you have powers, have you tested these powers out yet?

A couple trials that were like light-hearted and funny,

where I swung and then hit a wall.

So, when you say you swung, I could shoot little webs out of my toes.

Look at the openings in his toes.

Have you tried the word?

Are you just assuming you can do this because you were bit by the spider?

Is what I'm getting at?

I, you know, I haven't.

I shoot a little web out of my toe.

I think that's what happens.

And then I swung around for a little bit, but like, I'm not that great at it yet.

We're still in the early stages of the bottom.

Put one of your little featies up on the table.

Okay, here we go.

Yeah, he's got this sort of stuff oozing out of the webbing of his toes.

Yeah, I think it's just it's like some sort of possign.

Yes, I don't know that it does anything.

Also, when you say then, disgust me.

Four of all, when you say you shot webb out of something, are you sure that you out of something?

Hollywood handbook, you guys call your toes a penis, right?

That's what I'm getting at.

Or were you just

fiddling about down there and you shot some webbing out?

Fiddling about.

Who's the whom?

Wait, oh, wait, my fourvo sense is tingling.

What does that mean?

Are you alright?

What's happening?

Oh, my gosh.

Are you alright?

Are you going to?

What is happening right now?

Are you going to Apshock?

Oh, my God.

Oh, dang.

Wait, that's my 4v1 sense.

No, you're just...

Danger is coming.

No, you're just like Spider-Man.

No, you're just very ill.

Radiation sickness is.

Oh, my God.

Use that trashing can.

Please,

not on the earwolf table.

There's so many wonderful signatures.

Please, deposit your vomiters in that wasting basket.

All right.

Yeah, it's my spider scents.

It's from my superpowers.

I don't think we have to worry about it.

How many times do you get spider scents a day?

Like in the mornings and after every meal and at night and sometimes while I'm sleeping.

So almost constantly.

Oh gosh.

Can I talk to you, Andrew Lloyd Weber?

I'm just going to go sit in the corner for a second over here.

Forval's dying.

He is.

He's in the advanced stages of radiation poisoning.

He's gonna be dead within...

I would say within the next half hour.

Let me see.

Let me check.

I'm an amateur physician, and I've seen these signs before.

I would say 15 to 25 minutes, you'll be gone.

You think 15 to 25?

I think they're somewhere in the half hour.

I think we probably need to take a break at some point and come back.

Yes.

Yes, and there needs to be enough.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

Yes, of course.

Yeah, I think somewhere in the next half hour, 45 minutes, somewhere around there,

he may be perishing.

And in this case, I believe it is before his time, although I don't know how old he is.

That's true.

He may not be 18 yet.

Although he's been nothing but a terrifying murderer every single time we've encountered him, this time he's just a poor, weak little boy.

A weak little boy like that.

Like those

radiated spiderbite.

Like the ones that we go visit on the weekends in the children's hospital.

That's not for public concerns.

I didn't mean mean to brag, I'm sorry.

Forval, come back over here, Forval.

Oh, dear.

Sit down.

Don't tie yourself out.

Forval.

Six feet.

That usually isn't a problem for me, especially now that I have lower powers.

Okay, Forval, wait, we need to take a break.

I hate to

postpone anything.

I know.

Just put your...

No, it's you spinning.

It's you spinning.

It's the superpowers.

It's your website that you're spinning.

Okay.

Yes.

It's really great to see you guys.

Yes, we need to take a break.

When we come back, we have some news that we need to give to you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

So spider sense dingling, forval sense dingling.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

Get me my news.

Get that wasting paper basket.

We're going to go to a break.

We'll be right back with more Andrew Lloyd Weber and Forval.

I'm better now.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Andrew Lloyd Weber.

And during the break, we wheeled in the spare hospital bed that we have

in the next room for just in case any.

Why is that here?

Just in case anything were to happen.

Has it ever come up before?

You know, Jason Manzugas, aka Jeffrey Character Wheaties, has brought in.

I love him.

He's very good.

He's wild.

He's amazing.

I wish you would do more characters than just that one.

Well, he's like Pee-Wee Herman, you know.

Paul Rubens was good at that one, as well as other ones, but just decided to stick with that one.

Anyway, Jason brought it in in case anything were to ever happen to me.

Oh, in case anything were to happen to you.

Yeah, and in order to make my final moments more comfortable.

And Forval was spinning around on his webs so wildly that he got very dizzy and he wanted to lay down in the bed here.

So happy to see you guys, but then I just felt a little under the weather out out of nowhere, but it'll probably blow over because I got superpowers now

and I'm in a great mood.

Yes.

I don't even need a place to stay anymore.

I don't even need to bother you guys about it.

No, well, you're going to have you both look great.

I hate to tell you this, but you're going to have a permanent place to stay.

You're not going to believe this.

I have some news, too.

Really?

What's your news?

I'm having a little baby boy.

What?

What?

Did you spin a web?

Lil Forville Goldberg.

Goldberg?

With whoopie?

You're saying whooping because of the baby.

Whoopi Goldberg, a woman in her at least 60s.

Is that correct?

Yeah, was there some sort of in vitro kind of situation?

Or a miracle?

Yeah.

It was a miracle?

Yeah, yeah.

I think it was after the spider bite.

Oh,

interesting.

Okay, so you're having a.

So everything's great.

I'm going to be a father.

I thought you guys would be more happy.

Who knows?

Like, I'm really starting to get my life together.

We're delighted that a tiny little boy is becoming a father.

Well, um, who just learned to play with his penis for the first time, that's right, and is in some sort of sexual relationship with

geriatric Oscar Winter, Poopy Goldberg.

Call her geriatric.

I mean, fucking

thing is just relax.

I apologize.

I just said she's a woman

talking about it.

I know I'm in a great mood.

She's wonderful.

I detest eyebrows.

I find them very attractive.

You treat a lady with respect.

Yes, of course.

Especially when

I'm here.

I played Rita Miller in Ghost.

I forgot the character name.

Thank you.

52634043.

Rita Miller.

Okay,

I'm the wrong name.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

My sister loved that movie.

I do apologize.

Okay.

Your sister?

Who loved it?

Your sister?

Yeah.

Who's your sister?

Nynville.

Nine.

Nineville.

We've never heard of Nynville before.

Yeah, she's a bitch.

Oh, you don't get along with her?

Well, no, but she got good taste in movies.

Oh, clearly.

Human relationships are complicated.

Correct.

That's very true.

That's also true.

So aren't you happy for me?

I mean, like, this is a big thing in my life, and every

Oh, gosh.

Forval sense tingling.

Forval.

There must be danger around.

Yes, I'm afraid there is

danger.

Imminent.

Imminent danger.

Don't worry about the danger, guys.

I'm here.

I'll save you.

Forville, have you seen the film Final Destination?

I have.

You have?

Well, then this will be easy to understand.

You know how people died in that?

Yeah.

That's going to happen to you someday.

Well, it's going to happen to everybody, Scott.

Yes, it happens to some people sooner than others.

Yeah, sometimes in 3D.

Sure.

Yeah, what time do I think it did happen in 3D?

Yeah, maybe the third time.

I feel like it's a lot of 3D.

Probably.

That sounds about right.

Or the fifth, I'm not sure.

Probably around the third.

I feel like it's just a lot of tires flying through the air and killing people.

I believe they went to a racetrack at one point.

Yeah.

Poles through windshields.

There's no way a knife didn't fly at the screen at some point.

Oh, no way.

No absolute way.

Look,

yeah, it's going to happen to all of us, but much like the teenagers in Final Destination.

I'm doing pretty good.

I've got superpowers now, and I got a room, and a home, and a

couple little jib jabs going.

So

everything's coming up, Forval ready.

Forval, send me one of those jib jabs, but what if I were to tell you?

What if I were to tell you that?

And any dub smashes that you do, I would like to see.

Yes, please, or any boomerangs.

Yeah.

I don't want the boomerangs.

Okay, good.

Take him off the boomerang CC list.

Bitmojis, I'll throw you away.

I do like bitmojis.

You're there, the bum.

I do.

But what if I were to tell you, Forville, that instead of a little tiny room, you could have a giant cloud playground

with streets paved with gold, and everyone you've ever loved would be there.

Really?

Doesn't that sound wonderful?

You'd have Freivault.

Freivault, and

Freeville, Nineville, Twoville,

and Anvil.

Everyone but Fival.

Yeah, Feival's a bit.

Tinkoville.

My Spanish brother.

Catorceville.

Yeah.

Yeah.

They would all be there.

They would all be there.

And Whoopi, too.

Well, I don't know about Whoopi.

Soon, she'll be along directly.

It's just like sooner than you might think.

Yes.

Pass her a penny from under the door.

Yeah, the original ghost.

Even the fellow who played the mean ghost in Ghost, he'll be there.

And Patrick Swayze.

Patrick Swayze's there right now.

Wow.

Yeah.

What if I told you that that could be yours and might be yours very, very soon?

Will be yours.

Well, I would say that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard.

It sounds like the most beautiful place on earth, but I mean, not on earth, but I have still things to do down here.

I've just been blessed with these powers, and

I'm just starting to realize

that life is worth living, and it's not about staying.

You're saying, well, what a wonderful realization you've finally come to, but are you saying you have unfinished business?

Yeah.

This complicates things.

Lie down for just a little bit.

It conserves your strength.

I need Dr.

Scottrick.

Yes.

I'll be right, babe.

Just gotta take a little nip-nap.

A sidebar with Lloyd.

Okay.

Lord.

Oh, Lloyd is right out of order.

Lloyd Andrew Lord.

Whatever.

Of all the things you could call me, don't call me.

Christopher Lloyd.

Christopher Lloyd, Miss.

What?

You don't know what I'm talking about.

Yeah, well, look, what is going on here?

You think he has unfinished business?

What I'm afraid of

is that if we don't make him right with this idea that his demise is imminent,

he will have unfinished business and he will haunt us as a ghost.

Much like the dad who drank the acid on Christmas Eve.

Wait, is he a ghost?

I think he's a ghost.

Oh dear.

Yeah.

Much like the Sunset Boulevard house?

Yes, the Sunset Boulevard house.

With William Holden?

Yes.

In the pool?

That house is haunted by the entire cast of Sunset Boulevard.

Do you think William Holden, people always come up, would come up to him and say, hey, you, William Holden, I need the pill.

I need the pill again.

Do I think they would always do that?

Yes, I need the pill.

Give me that pill.

Or do I think it ever happened

either?

God damn it.

Oh, God.

Take your pill.

Okay.

I'm back.

Oh, full strength.

You were starting to slip there for a moment.

Full strength.

You started to say the stupidest shit.

I'm back, Lila.

Oh, thank heavens.

The top of my game.

Thank heavens.

What do we need to do?

Do we

need to get him right with us?

Yes, we need to get him to accept what is to happen.

Sure, the stages of grief.

Yes, yes, the final one.

Exactly.

Yes.

Do we need to go through the other ones?

Denial, etc.

Denial.

Yes.

Hey, fuck you.

Anger.

Yeah.

I'm saying.

Paraphrasing anger.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, fuck you.

Yeah, well, I couldn't remember that term, anger.

Bargaining.

Yes.

Just a quick.

If you can't remember the term, you might need a mnemonic device that might help you remember.

Okay, very good.

Okay, so anger.

Okay, so anger is what is A?

Anger.

Okay.

What's N?

Here's the thing.

There's already a

mnemonic device.

Ooh, a demonic device.

A mnemonic device.

Don't raise the mailer, demon.

It's dab da.

Dabda.

Denial.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Daba.

Despair.

Despair.

And acceptance.

Dabda?

What about despair?

Yes.

Okay.

Denial, anger, bargaining.

Despair.

How can anyone remember Dabda?

You just said it, so good work.

That reminds me of my good friend Dabda Cole person.

Okay, I'm back.

Oh, hey.

Thank you.

Pills effectively.

Take that pill.

You're saying some stupid shit.

Take another pill.

I've heard you're taking so many of those pills.

Give me a red.

Decreasing the effectiveness.

Give me a blue.

Where's Jessica Jones?

Beyond limit, that's it.

Oh, my gosh.

That's Jessica Jones.

Never mind.

What is your unfinished business?

Excuse me.

Just, you know, to bring...

Paulo, but shut up for one moment.

Oh, what the fuck did you just say?

That's from a comical book.

Give me a red, give me a blue.

Which character is that?

Well, it's Nuke, but he's.

Yes.

Yes, he then moved from the Daredevil universe into Jessica Jones' television universe.

Yes, I see.

Wait, was he in the first season of the.

Yes, sir.

Yes, that's right.

I forgot that fellow took the pills.

Yes, because when he was red, red, and blue pill, I don't think of the Matrix fucking first.

Exactly, that's the thing.

But then the.

Don't get on my side.

You were just mean to me for a second.

Now I'm pissed.

Yeah, yeah, we're pissed at you.

Scoff treaty.

We're angry at you, right?

Yeah, yeah, we're teaming up.

You told me to shut up, man.

This is a Marvel team-up.

Yes, Hulk Smash.

Hulk Smash.

Hooked up, Smash.

Let me posit this.

Avengers, let's ambo.

What if Andrew Lloyd Weber didn't say a thing that made you mad?

Oh, Wachu the Watcher.

Can you imagine a parallel universe?

And he presents it to us right now.

Forbidden to interfere, but he sees all.

So there would be no Hulk Smash Mouth moments.

No.

Yeah.

Under the wire, God.

Yeah, thank you.

I think some listeners were a little upset I didn't get it in earlier.

Four of Light, I do apologize.

Yes.

It's okay.

Nothing but the highest esteem for you.

Thank you.

And you don't even have to apologize because I'm past that now.

But it's all the superheroes.

It makes me think that I have finally found my true calling, which is helping people instead of being a stabby little bull.

Yes.

Well,

carry that kind of feeling

into

whatever happens next to you.

You know what I mean?

There's nothing for it.

We've got to tell him.

We've got to tell him so he can't.

We have to tell him.

Yes.

Dub Smash.

What is it again?

Oh, dear.

Dubda.

Dab du.

Dab da.

What What happened?

Fourville.

Fourville.

What's wrong?

The spider that bit you was packed full of radiation.

Yes.

Oh, no.

But it hasn't given you superlative powers.

No.

Hold on one second.

Do you see how you're about to vomit?

Yes.

That's not a special sense warning you the danger is imminent.

The strange thing is, I threw up four apples, but I'm only three apples high.

How did you drag it?

Congratulations.

That's why my belly was so distended.

Fourville, I'm afraid I have to tell you:

you're dying.

You're dying.

You're dying.

You're dying.

You're almost dead.

You're going to be dead

with radiation.

In the next 20, 25, 30 minutes, probably after plugs.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Do you think we are?

I think exactly.

Yes.

It's a certainty.

But, Fauval, this is natural.

Death comes to all things.

Yes.

Yes.

But I was doing so well.

In a hundred years, none of us will be here.

Just think of it that way.

And we'll all be here.

Wealthy people will be.

But I just turned it around.

The singularity.

I better not tell you now.

You just turned your life around, and at what better time could there be?

Fell in love and got a home and started a real life.

But for all, what's wonderful is you did manage to do all these things before the end of your life, which is very, very soon.

Yes, a lot of people don't get that chance.

A lot of people are just miserable assholes right up until the moment they die.

You, Ebenezer Scrooge, did.

The one as big as me.

Do

So I'm definitely going to die.

Yes,

I'm afraid so.

Is there anyone you want to call?

Ghostbuster?

Ghostbusters?

Ghostbusters?

That's the only possible answer.

What do you think about the reboot?

Even if I was dying, I think it's going to be great.

I just don't know about turning them into women.

What a strange

question.

Oh my God, life is too short to be like that.

Literally.

I think if it's the stay-puffed marshmallow woman, maybe.

But they got to do it across the board.

And then turn all the women from the first one into men.

So I think that the ghost that gives Dan Aykroyd a blowjob, that's got to be a male ghost who gives Kate, you know, goes down on her or something like that.

Those are my rules.

And certainly all of the extras should all be gender reversed as well.

Yes, exactly.

They should count the number of extras.

Yo, Ron Jeremy was an extra in Ghostbusters.

What?

That's a real thing you could seem predominantly featured during the last scene.

Oh, God, no.

Why are we wasting time?

That's a real thing.

Why are we wasting time?

That's a

I have no doubt, conserve your strength, dear Fourville.

Is there anyone you want to call?

Any family, any whoopee?

Do you want to call whoopee?

Is there anyone who should be here at this hour?

The more I think about it, I don't know if I got anybody.

Oh, dear.

I'm starting to feel so alone.

Oh, dear.

Almost like Kevin in that movie.

I feel like I've been left here.

Yeah.

I feel like my next-door neighbor is Mitch McAllister, and he screwed this whole thing up for everybody.

But he's really not.

If he didn't exist, these movies wouldn't exist.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

What do we do, Forval?

What do we do?

Can we make you comfortable at all?

Can we...

So you're no longer denying that you're going to.

Okay.

Well, I mean, you guys seem so adamant about it.

He did deny it for a minute.

He said he did deny it for a minute.

But now he doesn't.

So moments ago, what's next in W?

Well, it's A.

What is it then?

Dab-da-d?

Dab.

What's A?

Anger, anger, A.

For Christ's sake.

I can't remember it.

There's no way this could be happening.

This mnemonic device is not.

There's no way this could be happening.

No, yes, you're just angry.

No.

No, you're denying.

I'm not going to die.

Okay, just

stay alive.

It's a dub smash.

Oh, my gosh.

It's a whole dub smash.

It's a mashup dub smash

of denial and anger.

Oh, my gosh.

What's after that?

Beauty.

What is it?

Why would it be beauty?

I don't know.

I don't know what this is.

Bitterness?

What is it?

What's the B?

Bargaining.

Bargaining.

Bargaining.

Feel so good all of a sudden.

Poor Forval.

Poor Forval.

Look, maybe if

maybe if you gave me some of your blood, I could stay alive.

Maybe.

I don't know.

How would you want to get this blood?

Through a transfusion of sorts.

I don't know that we have the transfer.

When you say of sorts, what are

you talking about?

Good kitchen.

I mean, I'm not a medical doctor, but I would take my knife, cut your throat, and then maybe drink that shit.

That's not really the way blood works.

It doesn't have to be your throat.

It could be an arm or a leg.

No, no, I don't think that's going to do the trick.

Plus, I don't think you can find a vein on me.

Never mind.

Look, I don't think that's it.

I think we can have that explained to me later.

Yeah, I don't think it's the pills that we're having.

I don't think it's going to happen.

What's next?

Dub-da-da-da-de-de-de-de-de-d-dee-di-di-da.

Dub du D.

Dab duh.

Dab duh, dub, dab, duh.

Bargaining.

Death?

What is that?

Why would there be an A after death?

It stands for after death.

No, it doesn't.

A D.

Please.

What is it?

Despair.

Despair.

The saddest one.

It's just sad because

I just got a room and I just got all this nice stuff and now going to.

I'm going to leave it all.

And you have a son on the way.

I have a son.

Although, we...

One moment, Faul.

Yes.

I'm not sure about this son, Bessie.

He thought he had superpowers.

Yeah, but I was.

He was just dying of radiation.

But at the same time, when you've never gotten his age, he couldn't, you know.

Do you have pubees?

Excuse me.

You heard me.

Rather a personal question towards the end, but please do answer it.

Yeah.

See, I think he's old enough to.

They're not on me.

Yeah.

I just carry him around in a bay.

I think his seed yours or someone else's i don't wait is it jay davidson's it's jay davidson oh no

from the crying gang sadly i don't keep him in my bandalier i'm wondering if his seed might find purchase perhaps i don't know i don't know in whoopy goldberg's barren womb i think it anything's possible at this point he might have a son today has proven that scottry can't i don't know i do i have a little baby boy oh it's terrible four and a half, Ville.

Four and a half vill.

Yeah.

Oh,

this is terrible.

That was a real stomach sound.

Well, these sorts of things happen at the end.

What's next in W?

In W da, dib, dab, dib, dab, jib, jab.

What is it?

It's dab da.

What's that?

And it has been for the past 15 minutes.

What is it?

A.

Anger.

We've done that one.

It's acceptance.

Acceptance, Forval, you're gonna die.

I am.

You are!

Wow, okay, that was great.

He's all in, wow.

With a bullet.

Well done, you.

Wow.

Okay.

Forville, yes.

I'm so sorry.

I think you're right.

But Forval, may I say...

That's it for little old Forval boy.

May I say that

I'm so glad that we got to see you once more and that

you've turned your life around.

You've been such a friend to the show.

I can't tell you how happy that makes me.

Yeah.

I came here with the goodwill and kindness of a little orphan boy.

Then I killed everything, did a bunch of bad stuff.

And you guys are so nice to accept me back.

And what I thought was going to be a new chapter in my life turned out to be the end.

The end.

As Coco Marx would say.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Rather abrupt.

Yeah, that was.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My God.

It's terrible.

It's terrible.

And I think, you know what?

By my clock, you only have probably through plugs.

So I think we should actually get to the plugs.

Otherwise, we're not going to be able to hear your last words.

All right.

It's time for a little something we call plugs.

My last plugs.

Don't listen to some plugs.

Plugs, plugs.

Plugs, plugs.

Don't listen to some bugs.

Wow, that was gonna listen to the Roman numerals, parentheses, sump, lugs, and parentheses by Loco Porlos Cornballs.

My goodness, that is a mouthful.

All right, so what are we plugging?

Andrew Lloyd Weber, what do we have?

Please search out Musical Semicolon Theater on YouTube.

I think you'll enjoy it.

And perhaps you'll get to hear the Unheard Pilot to Musical Semicolon Theatre featuring me and Gino Lombardi.

Yes, I want to hear that.

A lot of people want to hear it.

There's a reason no one has heard it until now.

Oh, okay.

It's a bit rough.

Are you going to dust off some of that gold, though, eventually?

No, we'll release it as it was recorded.

As it was recorded.

Yes, we'll let people judge, but it's not.

It's not up to my standards, of course.

Okay, well, you have very high standards.

Yeah, I do.

All right.

Forval, Forval, you must see it.

Forval, please.

Oh, my God.

Poor little chap.

What do you want to plug?

Even his coughing is adorable.

Other than Whoopi Goldberg?

Hey, I've

a rogue to the end.

Oh my god, you're high-fiving me

so hard.

So many times.

So many five-fives.

Five-fives?

Do you call them five-fives?

My God.

That's what I call them.

What do you want to plug?

But no one will listen.

Aside from Whippy Goville.

We'll know.

We'll tell people.

I just want to plug my son four and a half miles.

Because once I go, someone's going to need to take care of him.

Well, I always believe in my heart of hearts that when one soul leaves this earth, another soul comes into it.

And the population increasing probably

decries that, but

I think that that's really true.

So I think

God never closes a door without taking a life.

That's the saddest hitbucket thing I've ever heard of.

I I suppose it is.

God makes a better door than a window.

Yeah.

He was a carpenter.

Sure, of course.

He can buy a window from the

other.

That's another chap who doesn't want to do it.

You want a door, you go to God.

You want a window, you go to a window, God.

Exactly.

Yeah, exactly.

You really should.

That's not something to screw around.

No, no, no.

First of all, your heating bill.

Exactly.

This is what I'm saying.

It affects the whole thing.

Yes, it really does.

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

Let's close up the old plug bag.

He doesn't have much time left.

He doesn't, poor little fellow.

Gonna listen to some plugs.

Gonna listen to some plugs.

Gonna listen to some plugs.

Gonna get my ears out.

Gonna get my dreams.

Gonna listen to it.

Talk about it.

Talk about my dreams.

Gonna do some plugs.

Gonna listen to some plugs.

Just wanted to add to the song before I die.

Thank you so much.

Oh, do leave a piece of yourself.

Something to remember you by.

You're welcome.

A little piece of immortality.

It's a little piece of four of all of your friend baby people.

He's slipping away.

Literally.

Take my hand.

Take my hand.

Take my other hand.

Take both of you.

Not the one you already took.

Take my other one.

This is more comfortable for me.

That's a nicer hand.

Yeah, four villains.

Oh, goodness, what's happening?

It's getting so

cold.

You're crossing over, dear boy.

Do you see that light?

I see it.

Do you see it?

Go towards it, little fellow.

Go towards it.

But I want to stay.

I have so much to do.

You really don't.

I really do.

No, you don't have anything.

I think I have more to do.

No, you got nothing.

Webs!

I'm swinging out of here.

What?

Oh, why did you try and make me think I was going to die?

I'm stronger than all of you.

I thought you were dying.

Oh, wait.

He did die.

He did die.

He had a weird burst of strength right before his demise.

He did have super strength, obviously.

So strange, though.

And he had web powers.

Yes.

And then he stabbed us.

I'm really bleeding out of it.

I'm bleeding.

He also made a sort of web fist that he was swinging around and hitting us.

Like one of those Hulk hands.

Yes.

Yeah.

And it made the sweet.

It made the gh sound.

Yes.

When it hit.

Oh, my gosh.

Jesse Falcon, I believe, had something to do with that.

And what?

And what?

What?

He's dead.

He's dead.

Really dead?

He's lying here next to Alan Thick.

Ooh, why is that still here?

It's so hard.

It's so hard to clean up.

And who's that over there?

No, Todd's back.

He came back to life, so.

Well, then who is that over there?

I don't know.

That's from some other show, I think.

Well, God, Forval's really dead.

I never thought I would see this day.

He's really dead.

And

this is incredible, you know?

Like I said, I truly don't believe that anyone leaves this earth without leaving a little something of themselves behind.

And

what's that?

Did you hear that rap-tap-tapping at this chamber door?

Hmm, tis a.

Let it go.

I can't remember.

Apparently.

And I've said it on my show.

Yes.

Yes.

Tis something and nothing more.

Take another pill.

Oh, I want that pill.

Hey, why don't we open the door?

It's probably.

Certainly.

Yeah, I'm sure it's someone.

Go ahead and open that door.

Here we go.

A door opening, a little tiny crack.

Well, Scott.

Do you hear that?

Do you hear something?

I just asked you that.

Well,

there's no one behind the door.

No, but I did see it open a little tiny crack.

Hello?

What is that?

I'm looking for my dad.

Oh, Scottrick, look down there.

Look at that.

About half an apple high.

He's impossibly small.

He's so small.

Just me and my rattle.

What?

What?

My tiny ratweilers.

Look at this.

Oh, they're adorable.

Also, somewhat terrifying.

Yeah, it's a lot like those tiny dinosaurs at the beginning of Jurassic Park II, The Lost World.

They're slavering jaws,

putting me ill at ease.

I just came here to find my pippy.

You must be four and a half, Vill.

Yeah.

We have some terrible news.

Yes, I'm sorry, little fellow, but

your father has...

He's passed on, I'm afraid.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Her father had radiation poisoning.

No, he had superpowers.

As well as superpowers, we found out.

As it turns out, he had a very brief burst of superpowers.

Yes.

But mostly radiation poisoning.

Yes.

And he is lying upon the floor next to Alan Thick right here.

Didn't he lost the will to live?

He went through five stages of grief.

Yeah.

Dabbed him?

Yes, Dabbed.

Now, see, how does he know it right away?

I don't know.

I don't know.

He dabbed

it.

Well, why didn't you tell him that he could make it?

Why didn't you give him the support that he needed as friends?

Well, we thought that we should.

We thought to the ah, dabbed it.

We thought we were giving him support by helping him to accept his imminent death.

Yeah, and how do you know we did it?

You don't tell him to go away from the light.

You don't tell him to go towards it.

How do you know that we did all these things?

I'm assuming you did.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's a good assumption.

Otherwise, we did be alive.

I also have superpowers because I was born after he was bitten.

So I have a spider scent and I can hear real well through the walls.

What?

Like spiders can.

Spider scents hearing through walls.

It's almost like I'm a spider for a one and a half.

This is incredible.

You sons of bitches killed my dad.

Well, he was dying.

And he stabbed us before he passed off.

Well, I think that he beheld it right.

Daddy,

I know these are very tiny but how does it go

take that and that I will return

come on pony he hopped onto the sprout wilderness and threw the wind my rottweiler named Pony

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Hey everybody, it's Paul Scheer, host of How Did This Get Made, a podcast that covers the best, worst movies.

This week, we're diving into the brand new War of the Worlds reboot starring Ice Cube.

Yes, the movie that got 2% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Ice Cube is saving the world from aliens via his computer.

It's so convoluted, this plot, but basically, if you have an Amazon account, you can save the day just like Ice Cube.

There is so much going on in this movie.

So join me, June, Diane Rayfill, and Jason Manzukis, as we break down every bizarre choice and every Ice Cube one-liner on this week's episode of How Did This Get Made?

The podcast that makes sense of movies that don't.