Bonus Bang: Time Bobby 3 (Paul F. Tompkins, Bobby Moynihan)
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Transcript
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Hey, everyone, this is Scott Ockerman, and welcome to another Bonus Bang.
Bonus Bangs, of course, are when we re-release great, great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall.
And we are in the middle of a great series right now.
Look, I said these episodes are great, and this is a great series.
It fits.
These are, of course, the Time Bobby episodes.
We're in the middle of re-releasing these.
And coming up now, we have Time Bobby 3, the third in the series.
This was originally released on May 12, 2014, as episode 286.
It features Paul F.
Tompkins as Lord Andrew Lloyd Weber and Bobby Moynihan as a 3'1-inch tall
old man with a long white beard.
Is this God or could he possibly be Forville, the time-traveling stab happy orphan?
We don't know.
You got to listen to this to find out.
Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other episodes featuring either Paul of Tompkins or Bobby Moynihan or other people, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.
We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and bonus shows like CBB Presents, Scott Hasn't Seen, College Town, the Neighborhood Listen.
We have all of the past episodes from the archives.
So much stuff over there.
We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.
Tony Danza's final stanza awaits you grim with tired limb.
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.
Thank you, the Voblex, for that incredible.
Oh, all of the Voblex contributed to you.
Do you own a Voblex, by the way?
Yep, you know,
I...
I'm embarrassed to say.
I bought one.
I never use it.
It's under the bed?
Yes.
Yeah, I understand.
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.
Thank you.
And to the listener, welcome to you as well.
But I originally.
First, me, then the listener.
Because of status.
Status.
And
I, first of all, I'm Scott Auckerman.
And boy, before we get to it, weather report, just in this room, kind of hot.
I'm wearing a kind of a bulky sweatshirt.
It's hot in this room.
It's
hot in this room.
Are you doing your vocal warm-ups first, by the way?
It's hot in this room.
It's hot in this room.
All right.
I gleaned a green
gargantuan thing.
Oh, the classic warm-up.
I gleaned a green gargantuan thing.
Of course, we could go on, but we don't have time.
So we will.
Yes, great.
Here we go.
And 10 more minutes.
Rather bother
father weather.
Weather report.
Go.
Okay.
Very hot.
In Los Angeles here today.
Yes.
I don't know what's going on.
I mean,
it seems as if the weather fluctuates.
I personally.
It does seem that way.
I would prefer it to remain constant.
This heat is only fit for mad dogs and
this guy.
Hey, by the way, who has two thumbs and likes it hot?
I've always meant to ask you.
Englishman.
Okay.
So every Englishman
has two thumbs.
He has two thumbs.
Okay, that's well established at this point.
The thumbs of Englishmen are a constant serial.
Because you need them to constantly give the royal queen the thumbs up.
Yes.
Yes.
She needs a lot of affirmations.
Encouragement.
Yes.
You're doing great, Your Majesty.
Keep it up.
Yep.
So, I was.
Of course, Queen Victoria used to roam the kingdom
and ask passers-by, how am I doing?
Didn't she have a number as well?
Like a 1-800 number?
Yes, she did.
It was the first one of its kind.
Ask me how I'm doing.
Ask me how I'm doing.
Tell me.
Don't like my governing.
Call 1-800.
Each hit.
Well,
of course, in those days, you couldn't cover it out to say that.
Yeah.
No, in those days, you had to spell the numbers out.
Yes.
Yeah, it was.
And then, as you were doing it,
you realized, too.
Wait a minute.
Hang on.
I'm being told to dine in a most unseemly fashion.
But
I would love it.
I would love it.
I would love.
I think that if you move to a place, there should be a constant temperature, and then just that's your lot in life.
But only if you move to a place.
Now,
the thing that's throwing it off is native Angelinos.
Yes, if they would all leave,
the weather would remain constant.
If the last surviving native Angelino were to leave the county line.
To move somewhere else.
What could we do to get them outside of the county lines?
How do we incentivize it, Joseph?
Entrapment.
Or trick them is it an incentive or is it a trick well i'm up for both a trick is like an incentive with no reward what about an illusion oh david copperfield yes okay yes
what do you i was i was looking to turn myself up because i can barely hear myself and i love to hear myself in this i i it's a blessing to hear one's own voice yes amplified
microphonically
and to have to have upon one's head yes heading phones.
Heading phones, the very contraptions with which to hear those voices.
The very contraptions, dear boy.
Now, let me...
Introduce me.
Yes, but let me introduce myself, or did I not already?
Did I say my name was Scott Auckerman?
This is Comedy Bing-Bong?
I can't imagine anyone can.
Oh, okay, great.
Well, then let me introduce.
Are you a guest?
Let me introduce you.
Is that of yours?
No, if only it were.
And as I recall, it was Let Me Entertain You as well.
But it was the original version of the video.
Why was that that introduced?
I was doing a prodigal version of it.
Oh, are you getting into song parodies?
Weird Alan Yankovic.
Where is the Vicar of Yanks these days?
We just had him on the show recently.
I understand he purchased a satellite.
Did he?
Yes.
He purchased an entire satellite.
Do you mean a satellite dish?
Oh,
up in the air.
Yes, not one on the ground.
Like George Clooney?
That's right.
So up in the air.
And then, of course, George Clooney was also in Gravity.
What is his
obsession with the space travel?
He loves the sky.
He does.
And practical jokes.
Do you think that someday he'll turn his career to under the ground, like some sort of mole man type of career?
I believe that.
I believe that most devoutly.
Tis a consummation.
Devoutly.
To be wished, of course.
Two wishes left.
Oh, good.
Boy, I'll save those up for another program.
But
you know him as the writer of several musicals, including gosh, I want to say
Annie
Hall, no, I was gonna say, that's not a musical, Lord, did I write it?
I just said Annie, hoping you would cosign, you did not, but then I'm gonna go for Get Yogan, the musical Annie, yes, then there's Annie Getjogan.
I wrote no uh Annie-centric musicals, they should make more Annie musicals, shouldn't they?
I think they should make three more, okay?
So, we Annie Hall, of course, Annie,
we have Annie, Annie Gajogan, Annie Hole,
Anyway You Wanted, That's the Way You Need It Anyway You Wanted La La La La La La La We've talked about jukebox musicals several times, I feel like.
Yes, you know.
Who was it that you wanted to do a juking box musical for?
There was a certain artist that you're obsessed with.
Well, there was the Thomas Kincaid, the painter of light.
Yes, I believe it may have been that.
If only he were a songwriter, what do you think his songs would be like?
let's see what would if thomas kincaid were a songwriter this is i'm trying to set you upon
songs behind to maybe inspire you i'm being inspired
a country cottage covered with snow
this is beautiful a single candle glows in the window pane lord weber
i i had read recently that you
don't want want to write musicals anymore.
What is it?
No, you don't want to write musicals anymore.
You don't want to write musicals anymore.
Why?
Why?
I think I have said all that needs to be said.
So let's see what you said.
You said the Josie, Josie, Josie and the Patsy.
Josie and the Pussycat.
Yes, right.
Okay, so that was your first one.
And then
G-E Smith,
Saturday Night Live Band.
Okay, so you have one of those.
That's right.
And then you did the
Eve of Destruction.
Eve of Destruction.
and then Cut 2, Smash Cut 2 and Smash Cut 2?
If you're going to cut to something, Smash Cut to it.
It's always gives so much more energy.
I wrote Smash.
Yes, you wrote the Smash musical, of course, the musical within the TV show Smash.
A lot of people didn't know that you wrote that.
What was that again?
The musical, the Marilyn Monroe musical in Smash?
Yes, you wrote that.
Yes.
Yes.
Wow.
I ghost wrote it.
Yeah.
Why did you ghost write it?
Why not put your name on it?
I wanted to feel like a ghost.
Why do you succeed?
I thought you would give me a glimpse into the afterlife.
Did you see anything?
Yes.
Terrifying visions.
Really?
Yes.
Is there a man with a big white beard sitting on a cloud out there?
No.
No.
There's a red fellow
holding an oversized fork.
A pitching fork?
A pitching fork.
Yes, the very thing.
Oh, my goodness.
Andrew Lloyd Weber, I hope you never die because you have an eternity.
I feel as if hell awaits us all.
Oh, that's nice.
Anyway.
So why are you not writing musicals anymore?
Tell our listeners.
I
would rather devote my remaining years.
How many do you have remaining?
I would say roughly 40.
I think so.
Yes.
Yes.
Well, how old are you?
How do you put it?
Well, I mean, aren't you in your.
I wouldn't not care to speculate how old you are, but I would.
I am a man of a certain age.
Seventh decade, perhaps?
Thereabouts.
Okay, so.
But lifespans are longer, Scott.
That's true.
And the singularity.
Oh, I can't wait for that singularity.
Oh, my goodness.
What is that again?
We're all going to become ones and zeros.
Yes, we're all just going to get our minds downloaded into machines and live forever.
Yes.
That's when I'll start composing again.
Not until then, until the singularity.
Yes, I'm waiting for the singularity, and then I'll be literally a songwriting machine.
I've been told that many times, but I'm going to make it come true.
Andrew Lloyd Weber is here.
Hello.
I think.
Welcome to the show, by the way.
Thank you.
When was the last time you were on?
I cannot keep track.
It's been quite a while.
It's been a while
since I've been on the program.
Yes, of course.
Welcome back to the show.
You are one of our
favorite guests, or at least one that has been on a lot.
Is that fair to say?
Oh, I was going to say...
That's kind of you to say, but then I no longer needed to say that because you retracted the kindness with the second half of your question slash insult.
Okay, great.
So you've been on the show I've been on the show several times.
Several times.
When did we first get to know each other?
I think I enjoyed it once.
Was that the time you had amnesia?
What?
Okay, never mind.
Didn't you have amnesia in one episode?
How would I remember?
Okay, sorry.
I didn't mean to bring that up.
I know that's a sore subject for you.
I think the last thing someone who's had amnesia would remember is having amnesia, dear boy.
So sorry.
I mean, one would think that you would remember the fact that you had it and you woke up from it.
I don't know why one would think that.
I'm one, and I don't think it.
All right.
All right.
But
welcome back to the show.
And you,
you know,
it's been so many years we've been doing this show.
We just celebrated.
It's been many, many years.
We've just celebrated our fifth anniversary doing the show.
Oh,
congratulations.
I think so.
And
you.
How did you celebrate, by the way?
Well, we had a.
Stop knocking on the table.
I'm not
knocking on the table.
Why?
It's just
for you to knock on a table.
I'm certainly not knocking on a table.
Well, then, Engineer Cody, would you...
Hello?
Do you hear that?
Are you all right, Cody?
Hello?
Is it this fellow?
No.
Wait, Cody, how are you.
How are you saying hello without your lips moved?
Hello.
I feel as if there is a presence in this room.
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to look to my left, and then I'm going to look to my right.
Splendid idea.
I shall do the same.
I'm also, you know what?
The hell with it.
I'm going to throw in looking up as well.
All right.
Ha!
I say.
Yes.
I'll look down, so all bases are covered.
I'm going to look behind me, behind myself.
I'm going to go left.
I forgot about that one.
So I'm going to do all of those.
Shall I do them concurrently, or would you like me to wait my turn?
You do them concurrently with me, and then also add looking down, which I think is a waste of time.
So I'm not going to join you in that.
Well, I'm a gentleman of leisure now, so I have the time.
Okay, well, shall we begin by looking to the left?
Yes.
All right, here we go.
Oh, my left to your left.
Ooh.
We are facing each other.
Camera left.
That's always the opportunity.
I'm sorry, stage left.
Yes.
Downstage, upstage.
Okay, upstage is because the stage used to be on a rage.
Okay.
Another vocal warm-up.
That's right.
We don't have time for that.
All right, let's look stage left.
Here we go.
And.
Hmm.
What was that sound effect?
I don't know.
Is the great kazoo appearing?
Nothing there.
Nothing there.
Although I do hear that noise.
I heard a distinct hello.
Yeah, a greeting of some sort.
Hello.
There it is again.
Nothing to the left, though.
Nothing to the left.
Shall we look stage right?
Let us then look stage right.
Huh.
Hello.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing.
I did hear that hello.
We heard the hello again.
But it's not to the right or the left.
Which should we do now?
Up or behind ourselves?
Let's look up.
Okay, here we go.
And
nothing heavenward.
Some fluorescent lights.
Well, yes, we.
Nothing unexpected, I should say.
Well, that's true.
I did not see that.
You see, surprise that fluorescent lights are there?
I saw four fluorescent lights.
I wanted to report.
Thank you.
Just to make sure we're Sympotago on the list.
I'm sure the listener enjoys being included.
All right, let's look behind us now, because this is where I believe we're going to be seeing the source of this noise behind us.
I say.
Yes.
How if I were to look behind you and you look behind me?
Oh, okay, let's do that then.
All right.
I feel we'll have to move each other's heads to the side.
Yes.
Well, I think we can move our own heads to the side.
I would prefer if you moved mine right.
All right, here we go.
Don't resist me.
Stop fighting.
Stop it.
I'm unaccustomed to having commoners move my head.
No, nothing.
Well, I guess nothing's there.
Hello.
Well, there's one direction we have not looked.
Now, you consider it a waste of time.
I will not look down.
Allow me to do so.
I think it's a waste of time.
I don't know why you would do that, but uh i do as i please i'll allow and i please as i do but watch yourself
hello what skotric look hello look where look look down where i'm looking that's a waste of time no it's not i swear really yes
convince me sell me on this
please will you say hello one more time hello strange visitor hello it's a do you see this grizzled little gnarled no i'm tiny man i'm not looking down please skotric i beg of you Look down.
I just wanted you to beg.
How dare you?
Make a lord beg on podcast.
Where else would you beg?
Nowhere.
All right.
Well, I'll look down then because...
Ow!
Do you see this little wizened creature?
What is that?
Hello.
He's a little man.
It's a little old man.
With me.
We were talking about an old man with a white beard.
Before,
we were talking about what.
Speaking of Almighty God.
But this is...
I am not God.
No one is God.
No one can be God.
Only God.
There can be no God but God.
Correct.
Yes.
You have a, but you have a beard, is what I think I was trying to say.
You have a large white beard.
Yeah, it's a glorious beard.
It's glorious.
Lord Andrew, shall we describe what we're seeing to the listeners?
Yes, let's.
Also, maybe say hi.
Oh, hello.
Hello, little old man.
Describe me.
I know I don't know you and you don't know me, but just that was kind of rude.
Common.
you are, you are correct, sir?
It's just
comic,
I apologize.
Hello to somebody.
Yes, I apologize on behalf of myself, Godric, and Her Majesty the Queen of England.
Don't be a fucking asshole, okay?
Well, there's no call for that kind of language.
We all say hello.
Well,
that would be rude.
That's true, okay.
Hell-o.
As
they said in the old country, hell and then oh, which is the origin of that word.
There was a dash.
Correct.
Hello, strange visitor.
Hello.
Now, can we describe you?
Is that please do?
Okay, well,
this
vision is three feet tall.
Three feet tall.
That's being generous.
Three foot one.
Oh, I do apologize.
Three foot one.
Okay.
Three foot one, which is about 37 inches high.
And
I'm not positive on that, but
don't do math too good.
Uh-huh.
And wearing sort of tattered clothes.
Yeah.
Clothes of rags and patches.
Like some sort of muffin made of rags.
What?
Like a muffin but made of rags.
Like a rag-a-muffin kind of thing.
I believe you're misleading the listener into thinking this fellow is wearing a muffin.
Yeah, I'm not a muffin.
No, no, but he's a lot like a muffin.
He's a man.
He's not a muffin.
He's a man.
Poor little old man.
I will say, I fucking love muffins.
Language.
Sorry.
Okay, so.
We all love muffins.
Let's describe this.
He loves muffins.
Yes, he's a muffin lover.
He's tiny.
He's
a beard as long as he is.
That's true.
It's about 37 inches long this beard.
I would say 34 because it starts at his chin
rather than his head.
But if you look all the way down to the ground, it's about four inches that are dragging on the ground.
He's dragging on the ground.
Yeah, it's about 37.
The end of my beard is very dirty.
You're stooped.
Elderly.
Wizened.
Face lined.
Kind of shaped like a question mark.
Careworn hands.
Your body is like a question mark.
It's very interesting.
A fat question mark.
Well,
but what's interesting is
why is the period separated from the rest of the question mark?
How are you able to do that on your body?
It looks like your shoes are the period.
And then...
Do you know what I'm saying?
I think it's that his socks are.
They are the same color as the walls.
Oh, okay.
Yes, yes.
Well, hello, strange visitor.
Hello to you.
It's nice to be here.
You're very strange, and you're visiting us.
Thanks.
Welcome to the show.
This is a show.
This is a podcast.
It's a show.
This is a show.
A show.
Yes, you're on a show.
When I was a kid on television, you would see shows that I don't see.
I don't see it, so I don't believe you.
When he was a kid, he's saying he used to watch television shows, and you would see them.
But he's not seeing them.
But you're telling me there's a show, and I don't see nothing.
Well, imagine we're on the other side of the television screen, and also imagine this isn't on television.
That's black magic.
I don't know if
I'm cool with that.
It's actually white science.
Yes, the very opposite of black magic.
That I'm cool with.
Okay.
So
when you were a kid, you used to watch television.
I'm guessing you look about 90 years old.
Yes, maybe Oscar.
Today is my 90th birthday.
Oh, happy birthday to you.
Well, we would sing happy birthday to you.
But we don't want to owe money to those two miserly crones, Mildred and Patty Hill.
I dated both of those ladies.
Oh, what the devil?
Yeah, yeah.
When?
My ex-girlfriend.
1900.
Uh-huh.
You were born in 1924?
Well, 90 years ago from today was when I was born.
Okay, 1924.
1937.
When you were 13 years old?
Yeah, I dated both of them.
I say, what a precocious child.
Yeah.
My goodness.
So wait a minute.
You were 13 years old.
If I'm remembering correctly, Patty Hill was born in 1866.
1868, yes.
Okay, right.
Everybody knows that.
So wait a minute.
She would have...
I'm counting up.
She would have been in her 60s when you were 18.
She was in her 60s, yeah.
So you had a sort of a May-December romance.
Yep.
I've always liked the older ladies, you know.
It was more like a January, December romance
or February, the very minimum, at the bare minimum.
Perhaps a February, November.
Yeah, or perhaps a little boy having sex with an older lady.
Oh, yeah, that's a little more of an accurate.
30, you're just a little boy.
Yeah.
I've always said, though, if there's grass on the field, play ball.
And I'm sure that it was.
Correct.
I've always said,
if you got a penis, you might as well have sex with a 60-year-old lady when it's time to do that.
You've always said that?
Ever since the day I was born.
My bad.
90 years ago.
How long did you date
Patty, and then how did you date both of them?
And how long?
Three-part question.
How long did you date Patty?
How long?
Mildred.
Mildred.
How did you date Mildred?
And how long
did you date both of them?
You see, I was living on the streets when I was a kid.
Rough and tumble sort of life.
Yeah.
Were you a ragamuffin?
I was.
That's pretty much.
I was a little scamp.
An adorable little scamp.
Were you an urchin by any chance?
Yo, yeah.
You would classify yourself as an urchin.
Correct.
Certainly.
I feel like I've met a street urchin, not a sea urchin.
No.
Oh, that's an important distinction, yes.
Very much so.
But both of them,
they must remain in their own element in order to survive.
If you throw a street urchin in the water, he'll die.
He cannot beg copper coins.
If you throw a sea urchin on the street, he'll die, too.
Very quickly, yeah.
You were an urchin of the land.
Correct.
And I feel like we've met someone like that.
Yes, we have.
I don't like to think about it.
I can't recall who it was.
I've done too many of these shows.
I can't remember who it was.
Remind me after the show.
Certainly.
In any case, three-part question, go.
Sue.
Excuse me.
Three pops.
You threw up a little bit.
What is wrong?
Very
good.
I somehow threw outside my nose and it went in my mouth.
Oh, my.
The worst experience I've ever had as a human being, I'm not going to lie.
I didn't enjoy the experience of hearing about it.
I'm sorry you had to say that.
I'm very old.
My body is falling apart.
Oh, no, is it feeling?
Yeah, I've been on the streets for way too long.
How long have you been on the streets?
Since I was a little baby boy.
How long?
So, how long has it been?
It's been about
89 and a half years at this point.
So it's at
six months.
So cast out.
Well, at four months.
The first two months, I lived with a very nice man.
What was his...
Oh, no,
we don't need to hear about the nice man because we're in the middle of a three-part question.
Yes, exactly.
Are we even in the middle of it?
No, in fact, maybe it's...
I feel like we're just riding alongside it at this point.
Yeah.
Let's jump into that sidecar of hierarchy.
Indeed.
And let's get into this.
Where?
How long did you date Patty?
I dated them until they died.
I dated them until they died.
they passed away.
Until they died.
Well, of course they passed away.
If I'm recalling correctly, they passed away in 1946 on probably sometime in May, May 25th, I would say.
I've spent crazy like it was yesterday.
You remember the day that they died?
They died on the same day.
Well, I know the car crashed.
No.
It was not.
Suicide crash.
No.
Stabbing.
Stabbing.
Stabbing.
They both died of stabbing.
Interesting.
Wow.
I never heard that about.
I mean, I know a lot about Patty Hill.
It's not.
I know a lot about Mildred Hill.
Sure.
I know.
And together we're
knowledgeable
about the Hill sisters.
They're the guys who knew a lot about the Hill Sisters.
Okay.
Yes.
That's the same way of saying it, but you classed it up.
I don't like to.
Yes.
I don't like to refer to us as guys.
What would you prefer?
Chaps.
Chaps.
Bloats.
Really?
Now, that seems low-class to me, to call you a chap or a bloke.
No, chap is very, uh, is
very proper.
Yeah, well, I guess that implies friendship.
It's more casual, yes.
What does chap stand for?
I know it's short for something.
Constantly hearing airplanes park.
Great.
Because only the rich, you see,
back in the old days.
Had access to airplanes.
Of course, nowadays it means you live close to an airport, which is actually the shittier airport.
Isn't that funny?
Isn't it?
Language.
Like this wizened old man.
Hey.
Oh, hello.
Let you mouth.
Oh, come over there.
Oh, yes, and what will you do?
This guy.
This little fellow.
He has two thumbs.
He can defend himself.
He's an Englishman.
I'm an Englishman.
The constancy of my thumbs is.
You'd never go at somebody unless you know they're not packing.
Packing.
Packing.
Packing for a packing.
We were just talking about airplanes.
He must mean that he's a...
Are you going on a trip, old boy?
You might be going on a trip to heaven in a couple moments.
If you're not crazy,
he's obviously going to hell.
We were just talking about that before you walked in.
You're missing the larger point.
That was a threat.
You don't say.
This little old man just threatened my life.
This tiny, wisened old man
with a beard as long as he threatened you, Lord Weber?
Yes.
Four inches of beard on the ground.
Dirty.
Dragging behind himself like a wedding train.
Yes, socks the same color as the wall.
How dare he?
The very idea.
Where I'm from, you call ahead, find out what color the wall is, and you change your socks.
Where I'm from, we're ruled by an old lady.
Where I'm from, you have sex with 60-year-old women, and then you don't, you know, talk out of tournament, you get sliced up.
That's the unsuspecting.
I say!
My goodness.
Oh, boy, this is not on.
We're not off to a good start.
I don't think we are either.
Look, all I know is I was walking down the street.
I heard your voices, and I was, I woke up outside of a time machine, okay?
And I stood up, and I said, I'm starving.
Hold up, hold up.
Hold up.
You did what now?
Did I stutter or something?
I don't mean to imply that you stuttered.
I just, it was a surprising bit of information.
I think my ears must be deceiving me, and I wish they would stop it, quite frankly.
Skotrick, if your ears are deceiving me, they are deceiving me as well.
Because I believe I heard the same thing that you heard.
If my ears are deceiving you, they are deceiving you as well?
Yes.
Okay, well, thanks.
Yes.
It sounded, if I'm not much mistaken, old fellow, it sounded as if you said you woke up.
Please call me Forvo.
What did you say?
What?
He said, old fellow, I don't, I mean, that's rude.
Just call me by my name.
My name's Forvo.
It cannot be you.
What's this?
What's the problem?
Well,
this is
certainly can't be the Forval we know.
Scott Rick, of course not.
The Forval we know is a little boy.
Tiny little boy.
And yet, I feel as if
this fellow has many of the same characteristics as the Forval we know.
And don't forget, I can't believe we're glossing over this.
He did say he woke up outside of a time machine.
Oh, yes, he did say that, or was that our ears deceiving or my ears deceiving you twice?
Your ears, I think, have taken a break from the deception business.
I had hoped that would happen, to be quite honest, because it's been 40 some odd years.
How long?
Yeah, it's been 40-some-odd years.
It's been, I'll just say, it's been a while.
It's been a while.
But
this is an odd situation to be in because, A, his name is is exactly the name as Forval the Orphan that we knew.
Yes.
B, he's 37 inches tall, which, if I am accessing the recesses of my mind correctly, I believe
all the singularity is almost upon us.
I wish it was here.
The Forval we knew was about 36 and a half, 37 inches tall in there at all.
Yes, yes.
He was about
three hands tall.
Yes.
Yes, okay.
And three hands.
Human hands.
Human hands, of course.
Yeah.
But if I was gauging how high a horse would be, it would be about three hands.
That's a small horse.
Well, no, but four of the horse.
Oh, I see.
Using the horse hand system that we all use
to compute how tall someone is.
Not a horse's hand, by the way.
No, it's a hoof.
It's a horse hand system.
But not a horse's hand.
That's where a lot of people get confused because they say, How tall is that horse?
Oh, it's about
20 hooves.
In any case, my point being:
Forval is the name, three feet tall,
has access to time machines, which I believe our Forval was some sort of
time
Bobby.
No, his name is Forval.
Scott Rick.
Yes.
I was attempting to complete the phrase that you had begun.
Time policeman is what I was going to say.
Yes, which where I'm from.
Where's that?
Magical land ruled by an old lady.
That's right.
With access to corgis?
Yes.
Access to all the world's corgis.
And other dimensions.
We say we.
A sort of nicking name for policeman is a policing man.
A policing man.
Yes.
It's Bobby.
Oh, is that...
Okay, so did we talk about that one of the last times you were on the show?
I think every time.
Okay, okay, okay.
So now, put those three things together.
One plus one plus one,
in this case, is not adding up to three, because this couldn't be the same forval.
Because the fourville we knew was young.
Yes, but I thought you were going to say that it all adds up to this being the same forville.
Oh, oh, oh, I never thought about it from that angle.
Because you see the time machine.
The time machine.
Yes, I do think we shouldn't overlook that.
That's probably maybe the most important thing that he said, other than his name.
Rather.
He also seems to be flying into some sort of murderous rage and has said that he's packing something.
Yes, he's threatened to to slice me up.
Yes.
Well, you know what?
I feel like we should follow up on this.
That said.
My detective's instincts are kicking in.
That said, we do need to take a break.
So, Forville over there.
Old man Forval.
Sorry, I fell asleep a little bit.
Napping, of course.
Yeah.
It's a thing that the old dog.
It's getting harder and harder to stay awake.
I understand.
I understand.
Yeah, you and all your relatives, I'm sure.
I mean, I.
I may even be in my 70s, so I know a little bit about it.
How did you know I have relatives?
Do you know who I am?
I was just saying your napkin.
Do you have information about me that I don't know?
No.
What do you mean?
That's what I need.
What is this napkin business?
All of your relatives who like to take naps.
Your napkin.
Yes.
I see.
We need to take a break.
Do you know what a break is?
Forval?
Yeah, we had breaks, 90 years.
We've had break.
Jesus fucking Christ, Scott.
Please, language.
Pretty Scott, right?
Fourville.
I'm just frustrated.
How did you know that?
Well, he called Scott, Rick, and I and the others, and I don't see anybody named Rick, so I just cut it in half.
Deductive reasoning.
Well done.
The Forval We knew had a bit of deductive reasoning.
Do you know a Forville too?
Um, perhaps.
We knew a Forval.
But I want to get to the bottom of this.
That said, we need to put our program on hold.
I wish there was a better way to describe this, but we need to do it.
see a program happening.
We're doing a program right now, you'll see.
I don't see it, though.
Do you see you're speaking into a microphone?
That's what this is?
Yeah.
What did you just think was a long black cylindrical thing that we were sticking in your face?
Yeah.
All right.
Well, we need to.
I wish there was a better way to describe this, but there needs to be a time period in which we are not doing the show.
I'm trying to explain it to you so you get it, but
a time period in which we are not doing the show where we rest and we don't.
Oh, like a commercial break.
Oh, oh, you do know what it is.
We've established that he does.
Okay.
Like a pack of cigarettes with ladies' legs who come dancing by.
Maybe.
That would be great.
That would be great.
Yeah, I would really love to enjoy that.
Let's all go to the lobby, get ourselves a treat.
Let's do that right now.
When we come back in just a few minutes, Lord Weber and I will talk to you a bit, if that's all right.
That's
Andrew Lloyd Weber.
Maybe I should tell you what.
Why don't we cut to a break?
I'm Anne, Andrew Lloyd Weber.
Yeah, let's cut to a break.
We'll follow up on this when we come back.
Okay, come back with comedy bing bong.
Here we go.
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You know, when you
think about game day,
you might not think Wayfair, right?
I mean, they're two, one's two words and one's one word, first of all.
That's confusing right off the bat.
And then they're totally different
letters, although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair and the W and the
Y is in both.
you're right I mean this is pretty similar actually game day Wayfair it I mean you might think about it but one reason you should is because Wayfair right Wayfair is the best kept secret for incredible and affordable game day finds whether you're upgrading your tailgate with coolers that stay cold or patio heaters that stay hot
Cold things should stay cold and hot things should stay hot, right?
Wayfair has something for every style and every home, no matter your space or your budget.
They even have decor and merch from your favorite sports teams.
And the best part, Wayfair offers free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff.
And when you're talking big stuff, here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day.
I mean, when I say I, I mean Kulop.
Kulop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff.
She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween.
A rabbit sitting with a ladybug.
I guess that's year-round.
That can just stay out there forever.
So yeah.
So, Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes.
In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day, from coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers.
Shop, save, and score
goal
today at Wayfair.com.
That's WAYFAIR.com.
Wayfair, every style, every home.
Comedy bang bang.
Comedy bang ball.
Bang ball.
I'm not saying this right.
Comedy bangbo, comedy b-ball, comedy b-ball, comedy bang-bow.
That's it.
Okay, welcome back to the show.
We're here with
a good fellow named Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Sure.
Could be any of the
who knows how many Andrew Lloyd Webbers there are in the world.
I feel like there's only one.
Well,
Andrew La.
Crazy coincidence.
Well, speaking of there can be only one.
Speaking of crazy coincidences,
forward slash there can be only one.
We're talking to also a man named, and you are a man.
You're a man.
Yeah.
Even though you're short.
I've always wondered that when someone is as short as you, can you really call yourself a man or are you constantly a boy, even if you've
been talking like that?
Are you kidding me?
I'm just very rude.
You know, I come here looking for answers and help, and
you treat me.
You say that I'm a little.
This is ridiculous how you treat people.
Please, Mr.
Mr.
Foval, please.
Back in my day.
We're both very sorry.
Please, Mr.
Faulville.
Put the knives
in the knife.
But wait, it gets worse.
I got another knife.
Why?
Two knives.
Why?
He has two pockets.
That's why.
Oh, my God.
I hope he doesn't have any more pockets.
Please.
Please.
Mr.
Fauval.
Okay, I'm putting them away.
I'm putting them away.
We're all friends now.
Let's hope you have to.
Calm down.
I'm a very
confused man.
Wait, are you afraid as well?
I'm terrified.
Why?
Because I don't know who I am.
You know that your name is Forval.
Correct.
That's all that you know.
And that you used to date Mildred Pattiel.
Who can forget, though?
Oh, gosh,
ladies.
How did you know your name was Forval?
Look, I'm trying to tell you, and then you went to one of your little stop parties or whatever you call it.
Oh, it's a break.
Yeah.
I woke up in front of a time machine.
Okay.
I lifted up my beard.
I'm covered in tattoos.
You are?
Yeah.
And some of them tell me information.
Once this one here on my forearm says your name is Forvo.
And why would your forearm lie?
Correct.
I've never known my body to lie to me before.
The body does try to tell us things.
Sometimes your ears, though.
Sometimes your ears can be deceptive.
Yeah.
Correct.
Yeah.
The ears are the liars of the body.
I have one tattoo on my ear and it says, you're Nell Carter.
I don't believe that one.
You're not.
From Gimme a Break.
Yeah.
No, you don't believe that.
I don't believe that one.
Never believe your one.
Never believe your ears.
Never believe your ears.
Never believe oneself.
Your ears are like the Johnny Knoxville of the body.
They're playing pranks on you all the time.
A pair of jackasses.
No wonder jackasses have such large ears.
Scotch, I say, you've cracked the case.
Sputt.
Let's crack.
Sput.
Sput!
Sput!
Sput!
Let's crack this case.
Now, for the audience, Sput, of course, stands for.
Scottrick,
please understand
this.
And then it goes, yes, Sput.
Sput, please.
Skotrick, please understand this.
We need to crack this other case.
Yes.
That's what I was trying to say.
Correct.
Now,
Forville.
Yeah, it's Forville, yeah.
Forville.
Yes.
It's not a town.
I'm not a town.
I'm an old man.
You.
You're what?
I'm an old man.
You are a man, though.
You're not an old boy.
I'm an old man, yes.
Okay.
Do you know, do you have a brother, Gary?
Yeah, you do, yeah.
From the Batman franchise?
I haven't seen him in years.
Yes, of course, the Batting Gentleman.
He was great in that.
Commish, he plays the Commission.
He plays the Commission.
It's a reboot of the Commission that Michael Chiklis once covered.
That's right.
What was this Commission lacking?
Hair.
Let's reboot it.
With a guy with hair.
hair.
This time with a guy with hair.
With Forville's brother.
Okay, so what do your other tattoos say?
Have you lifted up your beard to look at anything else other than your forearm?
Yeah, I woke up.
It's interesting that Fourville has a forearm.
Well, not really.
First of all, it's not Forville.
I'm pretty sure it is.
It's not Forville.
I know you're really laying into that ill.
It's just Fourville.
Like you just say it, like naturally, like Fourville.
We've done two shows with him.
He's said his name quite often.
You've done two shows with who?
This other Fourville.
This other Fourville.
Fourville that we know.
Please, I beg of him.
It's like downtown Abbey.
Fourville, downtown Abbey.
Even I know that's fucking wrong.
Anyway,
let's get back to this.
So,
of all the times for ears not to be deceptive.
Correct.
You've lifted up your beard on other occasions, have you not?
Well, yeah, but this time I woke up and I was all confused, and I was at the foot of a time machine.
Not at the head.
No, no.
No, I was at the foot of it.
I say, what's this time machine?
You could tell because the pillow was near the top.
This time machine was shaped like a bed.
Well, yeah, like kind of like a almost like a telephone booth bed.
It was almost like a novelty bed for rich children.
Yes, rich children who love to sleep in food booths.
Yeah.
Like a doctor who mixed with bed knobs and broomsticks.
I mean, AJ, kind of, yeah.
Were there any any broomsticks about?
I believe I was next to a Home Depot.
I'm guess that place is filled with them.
Yes, that's true.
well, that's a bit of detail.
But I didn't see them with my eyes.
I just saw the Home Depot.
How did you know it was a time machine?
It was clearly marked.
I was clearly marked.
Yeah.
Okay.
The first thing I did when I woke up was say, what the where the fuck am I?
I don't remember.
I'm using language.
Yeah, I'm using language to speak, asshole.
What's your problem?
I'm trying to tell my story and you're interrupting all the time.
Lord Weber, if you apologize.
Yeah, if you were the real Andrew Lloyd Weber, I would give you the respect you deserve because you're a brilliant man, but since you're some other guy, maybe I'll just treat you like a fucking asshole that you look like.
How's that sound?
Fair enough, I suppose.
Yes.
Okay, so
let an old man finish his story.
Respect your elders.
I do apologize.
That's a great point.
Thank you.
Should we, by the way, where I'm from,
you call someone who's older than you.
Oh, are you from Scottville?
Scotland.
My apologies.
I'm the asshole in that situation.
Yeah, it's not Scotland.
It's Scottland, yes, of course.
Scott Trickland is what it used to be called.
But we call someone by their surname.
Do you have a surname?
surname that I could call you Mr.
whatever second name as it were Mr.
Forvo should I just call you Mr.
that sounds like I'm your servant if I'm calling calling you Mr.
Forville but
I don't know any information about myself I'm okay so I'm trying I don't know what other tattoos
are there under your bed great question the first tattoo I saw I woke up all confused no recollection of anything the first tattoo I said I saw it said your name was Forvo great tattoo Great tattoo.
And I think it's a very good thing.
Was it reversed so you could see it in a mirror?
Why would he need to see it in a mirror if it is on his arm?
Well, if it's on this part of the forearm.
Well,
on one side of the arm, it's right, and on the other side of the arm, it's backwards, just in case.
Like an ambulance.
Yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Correct.
My second tattoo says ambulance, and on the back, it's ambulance backwards, and it says, haha, you were always a kid.
Interesting.
Yeah.
strange
i thought that one i guess i was a hilarious little scamp of a boy or something
okay i i have a question but first any remaining tattoos yes there was one that said don't eat that scrap that's day javidson's penis
uh oh
i think i got i must have day javidson from the guy in cram correct i guess some is a more accurate title there are a lot of misspellings.
Yes.
There are a lot of misspellings, so that's another problem I'm having because
I don't know what's right.
You're an unreliable narrator.
Correct.
That leads me to this question.
Whom, do you suppose, tattooed you with these tattoos?
The only thing I could think of is it was me.
You put these tattoos upon yourself.
To remind myself.
Series of reminders.
Yeah, may I see the one on your forearm?
Sure.
Can I say, though, they didn't seem to have helped because you still have to do it.
That's why I'm here.
I'm not finished with the tattoos yet.
So fucking let me finish.
Not Andrew Lloyd Webb.
Certainly, Mr.
Fallho.
Please do continue.
May I see it, though?
Those are exceptionally well done if you did them yourself.
Thank you.
Oh, I guess the one on your left arm is better done than the one on your right arm because you would have had to have used your left hand.
Correct.
Yeah, maybe that's why it's spelled wrong, too.
That's probably why.
I do have a hard time spelling when I'm writing with my opposite hand.
Yes, that's the first thing that gets messed up.
Yeah.
The spelling.
Your brain gets confused.
Well, I never realized that that's how you spelled ambulance backwards.
Yeah.
Wow, that's crazy.
Is it?
How did you think ambulance was spelled backwards?
I always just imagined it would be.
I don't know.
I guess I thought it would say ambulance.
How often have you thought about it?
Once.
A day.
For
30 years.
Five years.
Do you think I sound like a musical robot?
And And for 35 minutes a day.
For 35 years.
What?
Are you all right?
Yes, of course I am.
What the fuck is happening?
I don't know.
I don't know.
That may have been a past.
You have a 90-year-old man in your room who has no idea where he's from and all these tattoos, and you're just making nonsense talk.
That happens not often, I have to admit.
I do have to admit that fact does not happen a lot.
I admit it, have to that.
Not often does it happen.
Yes, of course.
For
I pray your indulgence, would you please not listen to us for just a moment?
Sure, yeah, is this going to become like a reoccurring thing now?
I can't imagine it would be a reoccurring thing.
No, I guess the guy who just time traveled will just sit in the corner and wait and not figure out his life or get help from the people because there was a tattoo that had this address and said, please find Andrew Lloyd Weber and Scott and they'll explain everything to you.
And then the last tattoo said, Beware of Freivalt, but I guess I don't know what that means, so go fuck yourselves.
I'll be at the corner.
Yes, perfect.
That's great.
I hope I don't fall asleep.
Scottrick.
Yes, Lord Weber.
I think we may have to
tell Forval
who he is.
Who he is?
That's dangerous, yet at the same time, he already pulled on us.
Yes.
So it's it might be more dangerous to conceal the information from him.
Because if he does discover it, and we have not helped,
surely
he will pull knives on us.
If someone like our engineer Cody or someone were to beat us to the punch and tell Forville who he is, we wouldn't want that to happen, right?
So we should probably do it ourselves.
Yeah, so Cody, back off.
Please do.
Back off.
How should we do it?
How should we break this to him?
I feel we should do it in steps, should we not?
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
In stages.
Yes.
And we should
name these stages.
Yes, okay.
Sort of coding words.
Okay, for us.
Fantastic.
Okay, how do you think?
So the first stage,
I'll holler out
so we know to begin
the word stage one.
Stage one.
And will the one be a number or will it be spelled out?
It will be spelled out.
If we were to do it mnemonically, which is, I'm assuming, how we would figure out what these code words would be.
To remember them?
Yes.
Yes.
Using the numbers.
In order to remember the stages, we must use a mnemonic device.
And so,
first stage is called stage one.
By the way, in order to remember the stages, we must use a mnemonic device.
We remember that from I-O-T-R-T-S-W-M-U-A-M-D.
Yes.
Yes.
We always say that back and forth to each other.
Yes.
Yes.
So in order to remember the stages, we must use a mnemonic device.
Yes.
Or, to put it shortly,
I-O-T-R-T-S-W-M-U-A-M-D.
Of course, yes.
And I remember that because Trapper John MD was my favorite TV show.
Yeah, that's how I remember it as well.
Yes.
Of course.
Okay.
Yes.
Senil Roberts taken from us too soon.
Oh, and Nell Carter.
Stage one.
Stage one.
How will we remember this?
Say
time
and
guys.
Say
time
and guys
excited
over
new
wigs.
Wigs.
Okay, say time and guys excited over new wigs.
Wait.
That's going to be.
Where did that W come from?
Wigs, I mean, I am excited over new wigs.
I'm always excited over news.
I think maybe you got ahead of yourself.
You're thinking about some of your new wigs.
I was
at the end of the word new.
Right, of course.
And I was incorporating that into stage one, which it does not belong there.
Obviously, say time and guys excited over new.
That makes a lot of sense.
New
encyclopedias.
Encyclopedias.
Encyclopedia.
So
that seems very complicated.
Why?
Say time.
Why'd you say that?
Say.
Say.
Time and guys.
Time and guys
over new encyclopedia.
Say time and guys
excited over new encyclopedia.
I mean, look.
What is the problem?
I've committed to memory I-O-T-T-R-T-S-W-M-U-A-M-B.
Well, I've committed adultery.
Okay.
So when did you do that?
Was that?
Oh, years ago, years ago.
Was that with Sarah Bryman?
Yes.
She was the one that you committed it with?
Yes.
With whom you committed adultery.
And upon.
I don't want to follow up on that.
Oh, don't you?
Okay, so say Time and Guy's excited over new encyclopedia.
Okay.
I'm on board.
I think I remember it.
I've said it a few times.
Say Time and Guy is excited over new encyclopedia.
Yes.
Stage two.
Stage two.
That should be the name of the second stage.
I guess it should, but how are we ever going to remember that?
I say, what if we employ a mnemonic device?
Oh, you mean I-O-T-R-T-S-W-M-U-A-M-D?
Yes.
Okay.
Trap a John.
So, stage two.
Okay.
Simply terrific
about
every
simply terrific about
sure
Gabardine Gabardine
Elephantine.
Elephantine.
Simply terrific about Gabadi.
Gabardine Elephantine.
Tear stained
simply terrific about Gabardine Elephantine tear stained wigs.
Finally, the wigs.
I knew it would come into play.
Onomatopoeia.
Yes.
Okay.
Couldn't be simpler.
So simply terrific about Gabardine Elephantine tear stained wigs.
This is getting very hard for me to remember.
Even using onomatopoeia, which is one of my favorite devices in the English language, this is getting a little difficult.
Would it help if we remembered
onomonopoeia?
Onomonopoeia might be.
So we would use onomatopoeia when we want to do stage two?
How would we do it?
Would we say like splash or something like that?
Well, the sput, of course.
Sput.
Okay, why don't we just say sput?
Skodric, please understand this.
Yes.
And the third and final stage.
Okay, stage three.
I would call it.
Yeah, stage three is a wonderful time.
As good a name as any.
Yes, okay.
I think it's the best name.
All right.
Stage three.
How should we remember stage three?
We would say solo, I would imagine.
Are you proposing using a modern device?
Oh, as we have for the first two stages?
Okay, we may as well, since we're on the tactic.
Okay, let's do that.
So
solo.
Transport.
Transport, great.
Aphrodisiac.
Okay.
And then.
Garden gnome, all one word.
Garden gnome, because he sort of looks like a garden gnome.
He's cute.
Yes, he does.
He's cute little stabby garden gnome.
Garden gnome is two words, though, I do have to say.
Yeah, not in this instance.
Oh, okay, great.
And then,
of course, there is Euripides.
Yes.
From the theater.
That's
homage to you.
Solo transport.
Garden gnome, Europe.
Please.
Wait.
The A.
Did we miss the A?
Aphrodisia.
Capital.
Solo Transport Aphrodisia.
I do apologize.
And then
we have, of course,
threesomes.
Yes, we do.
Lord Weber, are you feeling a bit randy?
Do I make you haughty, baby?
Are you having a laugh?
Howard the duck.
Certainly all would.
Okay.
So we have.
Regicide.
Regicide.
E.E.
Cummings.
But then don't say Cummings.
Yes, just E-E.
Okay.
So Solo, Transport, Ephrodisiac, Garden Gnome, Euripides, Threesome.
Howard the Duck, Regicide, E.E.
Cummings.
E-E.
Okay, great.
So,
I think.
But do put Cummings in brackets so that we'll remember the EE.
No problem.
I've been working on my bracket lately.
All right, so here we go.
Madness.
So,
I think it's time.
Let's call Forville over here, shall we?
Yes.
All right.
Forville.
Oh, have you fallen asleep, grandfather?
Sorry, I was sleeping in the corner.
Yes.
Let me put it on.
I use this almanac as a pillow.
So I just.
It seems very hard and
uncomfortable.
It's a very soft almanac.
Were you having a nice dream?
I don't know.
I don't know if I'm dreaming or if I'm awake anymore.
Currently, you're awake.
I am?
Yeah.
Thank you for telling me.
You were dreaming not seconds ago.
Is that almanac yours or was it here already?
I was in my pocket when I woke up.
What year is the almanac from?
1937.
So you've had it all your life?
I guess so.
I don't remember most of my life, so I don't know.
Lord Weber?
I've just been going off these tattoos.
Say,
time and over.
Sorry, never mind.
Say, time and guys excited over
new encyclopedia.
What are you saying to me?
I'm sorry, stage one.
Oh, stage one.
I'm sorry.
Fourth of
some information for you.
Oh, thank God.
First of all,
about me?
Yes.
Yes.
So it was right I came to the right place.
Yes.
So that means you are Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Well, that's more of a stage three sort of thing.
And he's going nuclear options.
I'm getting ahead of myself, I'm told.
It's quite all right, quite all right.
Dear old fellow,
we have met before,
but when we met, you were a tiny little boy.
Really?
Yes, a little orphan.
Just a little orphan.
You were just a little bit of a child of the streets.
We never were able to ascertain your age.
Down to the house.
You lived downtown.
That's your home of address.
You live downtown
when your life's a mess.
You live downtown where depression's just status.
Whoa.
Down on skin.
Someone tell me a way to get out of here.
Cause I constantly pray.
I'll get out of here.
Please won't somebody say I'll get out of here.
Someone call Lady Luck Cause I'm stuck here.
Downtown.
See, I got you saying it.
Downtown.
What did I say?
Yeah, I knew it.
So, when we knew you, we were unable to ascertain your age.
We asked you several times point blank, you would never tell us.
That's true.
That's very true.
What a dick thing to do.
Well, but you were young.
You were young.
You were clearly a little boy.
Clearly.
Clearly.
Clearly.
You were clearly a little.
Just as clearly, you are now an old man.
And yet you may ask yourself, we are not old men.
No.
How could we know you when you were young?
Yeah.
Yes, why have we not aged as you have?
Maybe
this tattoo helped.
It says things will not be what they seem.
But Weber.
Yes.
Simply terrific about Gaberdeen Elephantine tear-stained wigs on a mafia.
Fuck you.
I quite agree.
Was I a good kid or a bad little boy?
Well, that brings us to stage two.
To put it mildly, you were a bit of a handful.
Oh, no.
Yes.
You were very violent?
You were more than a handful, which is how I like them.
You mean titties, right?
You mean big fat juicy titties?
Is that what we're talking about here?
We're not getting down to that kind of guy talk.
We're not really.
This is not a gymnasium, Forval.
Sorry.
We are not getting down to that sort of guy talk.
Forval.
you were a a very violent little boy oh no and you'd stabbed many many people why did why you had uh uh eaten what that's your own brother oh no you had nibbled on jay davidson's penis yes it's true so who's this jay it said like day javidson
rather like rather like day javidson yeah that's why i got all these knives of all different shapes and colors yes including a few icicles yeah
a piece of raw
meat, cooked meat, and then there's all sorts of things here.
It all seems somewhat familiar somehow.
You have a lot of family, a lot of brothers.
No sisters, as I recall.
At least we've never asked about it.
That we knew of.
There's a list of names.
It says
three volt,
four volt.
That's right.
No, it skips vivo for some reason.
Yeah, of course.
Six o'clock, and then there's a fry vault.
Fry vaults, yeah.
It says at one point you lived with Ray Parker Jr.
That's correct, I think.
Yes, yeah,
it says all of that.
Yeah, I got
a little fat little old man, so I got a lot of space, there's a lot of yeah, you're you have a broad canvas.
Hey, I mean, I could say it, okay,
you know, fair enough, okay.
I apologize,
but really,
there's a lot to work with, just watch your back, bro.
Okay, watch my back, really, and your front, too, because I'm thinking
like throat area.
Yeah, you had.
What should we tell him?
Tell me what?
I'm coming here asking for questions.
I need help.
And now you don't tell me to influence it.
Patience, patience, patience.
Oh, master.
Solo transport, aphrodisiac, garden gnome, Euripides threesome.
Are you having a friggin' stroke?
What is happening?
It's almost like a tweet.
Is that how you talk these days?
Did I miss something?
Howard the Duck Regicide bracket, EE bracket and bracketing stage three stage three yes yes four volt yes
I believe that children are the future yes hold their hands how do you know that let them lead the way that's a tattoo the whole lyrics tattoo that was the I showed somebody and they were like well that's the lyrics to a Whitney Houston song and evidently she passed so rest in peace I had nothing to do with that one okay that's good to know good to know yeah that's good to know um Wait, you didn't sell her cocaine, did you?
Yeah.
Oh, well, you shouldn't have done that.
Indirectly, then, you shouldn't have done that.
I needed the scratch.
Did you also sell heroin to anyone recently?
Oh, boy.
No, but I did.
David Brenner?
No, but I did get paid $14 and some scraps to drown William Chattan, his wife.
Oh, his wife?
Um,
my goodness.
Gracious, even.
Great balls of fire, even.
We should probably
go full stage three nuclear option and tell him who you are, Lord Weber.
Lord Weber is indeed the Lord, Lord Weber.
I am that Andrew Lloyd Weber for my sins.
Creator of Josie and the Pussycats.
Famously.
Evalongoria.
Evolving,
of course.
I created her.
And Deliverous from Eva.
Eve from Entouraz.
Yes, he is the creator of E from Entouraz.
Turtle.
How is Turtle these days?
Turtle's wonderful.
Thank you for asking.
He's very thin.
Yes, he did.
I was worried about Jerry for a little bit, but
he's really turned into a turning point.
He's turned his liver.
He really has.
Have you seen him in Lone Survivor?
I have.
Yes, yes, he is wonderful in Lone Survivor.
He's fantastic.
Yes.
Small part, but there are no small parts, just small actors and Turtle.
He is a small actor.
He's TD.
Isn't he?
E, though, he's even tinier.
Even tinier.
He is about 30...
Three apples high, like a square.
So, Forval, this is Andrew Lloyd Weber.
It's an honor to meet you.
I'm such a fan.
Well, we have met before, of course, when you were a tiny little boy.
Wow.
But now, it seems as if you've traveled through time from your own future to our present, which is your past.
Yeah.
So, I'm trying to get this straight.
You came from the 30s, where you grew up, into a thirteen-year-old boy, which I'm assuming is older than when we knew you.
Yes, that's true.
When you started dating the Hill Sisters.
Correct.
So you must have gone straight from here into some sort of time machine.
Maybe you built this time machine?
It said, the last time I was...
The last time I looked, I had a tattoo that said, you will return to this place to right the wrongs that you did.
And then that was crossed out, and it was a check.
It said, said done.
And then
it said, go back to tell Scott the real truth.
Oh.
Now then.
The last time.
That's a lot to take in, I know.
And that's a long tattoo as well.
That must have really hurt.
It's pretty much my whole left leg.
Yeah.
The last time.
The bottom of my left leg just says, you love, you love peach snapple.
You did.
You had noticed you were drinking.
And it's true.
That was an easy one.
And you're about as big as a peach snap.
That hardly seemed worth the tattoo.
Yeah, it is.
As a reminder, you know what, though?
I'm not going to lie.
This stuff is delicious.
I'm glad I was reminded of it because I don't know if I would have just picked it right first.
So you don't regret the tattoo?
No, that one I'm fine with.
It's all the other ones that confuse the fucking shit out of me.
Everyone's taste buds are kind of different.
You know what I mean?
Some people really love the peach snap.
I think you'll find most people's taste buds are exactly the same.
Really?
Yes.
Science.
White science.
White science.
Science.
I've had.
She blinded me
with science.
Why would she do such a thing?
Why would she?
So, the last time,
should we talk privately or should we?
No, I think the time for privacy is over.
Yes, let's get it all out in the open.
The last time.
Please just give it to me straight.
That's all I'm asking.
You two seem to be my only friends.
Katrick, I don't know how much of this you remember.
I don't remember anything after that show, and I never listened to it back again.
I don't know how to put this.
Plainly and clearly, please, Lord Weber.
You and Fauville
will remind you that I'm still Lord.
I did address you as Lord Empire, yet as such, but you yelled at me as if I were a serving boy.
Just trying to help, you know, calm down, Scotland.
Thank you, Fauville.
Um,
you and Fauville, Scottrick, yes, are actually the same person
at different points in your timeline.
That seems completely impossible, and yet, time time travel has made it so.
Really?
Skodrig, of course, you remember that you're a time bobby.
Oh, yeah.
So you have been.
Yes.
Does that seem familiar?
Yeah, now that you say it, that way.
Yeah, no, I remember now.
So you have the ability to travel backwards and forwards and time.
Backwards and forwards, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Policing time, as it were.
Sure, yeah, righting wrongs that have been done by time travelers.
Yes, yes, yes.
And Forville, Fourville,
Jesus Christ, don't you?
you've got me doing it.
He is your past self?
He was your future self.
Look, you know, it's hard to figure out and may not even be canonical.
Because I may be dead.
By the way.
Oh, that's right.
I may be dead.
I may be dead.
I remember hearing that, yes.
Yeah, and this all may be just happening in my imagination.
I can't believe that you two are the ones I have to rely on to figure out who I am because you seem to not know.
Sometimes you just go into nonsense, Tao.
Well, why don't you go visit the comedy bang bang wiki?
You came to us.
What the hell with the wiki?
I don't
even ask.
Okay, put it away.
I'm just trying to help.
Put it away.
Are you just trying to help?
The last tattoo says you're a good boy and you were just trying to help.
It says, lift up your head, wash off your mascara.
Here, take this Kleenex.
Thank you.
I gotta wipe this lipstick away.
Show me that face.
Why are you
clean as the morning?
I know things were bad.
Hey, but now they're okay.
Suddenly formal
is standing beside me.
He doesn't need no
tattoos or makeup.
I don't have to pretend.
Yes, you can.
Suddenly formal
is here to provide
me
with hopefully some answers.
Hopefully, some answers.
Marville's our
friends.
I felt it was best if I just dropped out.
I probably should have as well.
How did you know that?
We must be the same person.
We must be.
Well, how did I do it then?
Oh, wait a minute.
Maybe it's just a popular song.
It's an established song.
I've forgotten mostly everything I know.
That's an actual song.
You gotta keep it.
Everyone has access to it.
Yes, certainly.
You know what?
I feel like we need to take another time period in which we would not do the show.
Oh, another stop party?
What was
stopping party?
Stopping party.
Partway stop, but part way stop because we're going to continue.
Yeah, sell some cigarettes to children.
Sure.
So, kids, take up smoking.
We'll be right back after this stopping time.
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Comedy bang.
Comedy.
Why can't I say this right?
Comment.
I say, Fauval, you try saying it.
That's what it is.
Is that?
You're clearly the same person.
Comedy Bang Bang Bang, the podcast.
Not the television program.
Pod, Pod, Podcares, the podcast.
Pod podcad.
Welcome back.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the show.
19.
19, Paul Hardcastle, of course.
Let me.
Science.
She blinded me with science?
Socket to me?
Socket to me.
We're here with Andrew Lloyd Weber.
I'm, of course, Scott Ackerman, your intrepid host, and we have an old man guesting with us.
Very hungry, old man.
I'm hungry as well.
By the way, I'm sort of hungry, too.
It is lunchtime.
All jokes aside, I'm actually pretty hungry.
I agree.
You're not special in that case.
At what point, Forval, I know we have to pick up some threads that we had left behind.
Oh, yeah, just these threads that are on my life.
I have some questions.
I'm not so nonchalantly swing that around.
At what point do you call yourself an old man?
You know, like, when do you...
What age was it, or did you really?
Well, that's a good question.
Certainly, this is the topic that needs addressing the most right now.
I just wonder, Michael.
At what point does an old man realize and
accept the facts?
Yeah, is it reduced
or is it like at 65?
Yes, is it a number?
Is it
a feeling?
A number of wrinkles upon one's face?
Is it when someone says, hey, old man?
Yeah.
Do you receive any sort of notification from the government?
I have a tattoo that says you're an old man now, so that's how I found out.
So the first time you read that too,
you realize I am an old man.
One time I was looking at a little chippy on the street, a little lady, and she said, Ew, that old man's looking at me.
And I was like, oh, boy.
Confirmation.
Yep.
No more.
Did you?
Time to stop hanging out in colleges.
You were hanging out in colleges after you got out of the time machine?
Oh, yeah.
That was your first stop?
Yeah.
I thought the attachment sites.
I was looking for scraps, and it just happened to be, you know, old heavens dial.
Tell me about that.
But you were by a Home Depot.
I was by a Home Depot.
Next to a college?
Yeah.
Okay.
I mean, is that so crazy?
Wait, well, dormitories need the supplies.
Wait, is this a college in Boston?
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
I know which one you're talking about.
The Boston area.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So,
anyway, so you just knew you were an old man coming out of there.
Okay.
Well, yeah, I think also I got a beard down to my toe.
It's a little dirty at the bottom.
Still, I've seen some young hipsters who have beards crazier than yours, Four Wald.
It's true.
They have competitions.
What was that
show that they used to make me be around?
That's correct.
They used to make you be around it.
Yeah.
Beard Wolves.
Beard Wars.
Yeah, that's what it was.
With Drack Passion.
Jack Passion.
Yes.
That's a beard.
Or did you say Drack Passion?
I wish that I had said Drack Passion.
Yeah.
Drack Passion.
That's a great character name for something.
Actually, a good name for a clone.
It really is.
Yes.
Drack Passion.
Drak Passion?
A clone like Boba Fett?
Yes.
Clone.
The most famous clone.
Yes.
So I feel like...
We're getting wildly off topic.
Why?
Played by the incomparable Jeremy Bullock.
Jim J.
Bullock played Buba Scott.
I'm sorry.
I said it wrong.
You are correct, Jim J.
Bullock.
Skulltrick, I feel as if you need to, if I may quote, the jerky boys, clean your ears out, jerky.
Oh, they're just deceiving me again.
That's what it is.
Okay.
Good advice from the jerky boys.
Do you think they refer to themselves as jerky men now?
I hope so.
I read that Rolling Stone article.
You're acting like a real rubberneck.
I believe I was quoted in it.
Listen, Sizzle Chest.
Yeah, piss clam.
Come on.
All right, back to the topic at hand.
Here we go.
Forval, we need to figure out what happened to you because, as far as I remember, the last time you were with us,
do you see this
iron contraption in the corner here?
Yeah.
And do smell Frenching fries?
I do.
They smell.
That's just something
starving.
They're sort of a prize that we give ourselves when we have completed a good show.
Wow.
That's correct.
Do you think we'll get them today?
Oh, I hope so.
Oh, man.
Is it for us to judge?
It's more for the historians to say.
Once history tells us we will eat those French fries.
But anyway, this is what we call a fry vault.
Okay.
Okay, now that is.
I got that tattooed on my arm.
That said, that's how am I related to that?
It is unrelated to the tattoo on your arm.
That seems like it would be a coincidence, would it not?
Because there is something else called a Freival.
A boy.
And that is your
blood relation.
Yes.
By which we mean brother.
Well,
my brother.
Your brother.
Beware of Freivalt.
Yes.
He's a terrifying fellow.
He's terrifying.
He makes as violent as you are.
He makes you look like a bloody pacifist.
Oh, no.
He makes you look like a jerky boy.
He makes you look like Leo Bastalia.
A reference I heard recently on another podcast.
A good one.
So he's your brother, and he's dangerous.
He's bad news.
We met him the last time we saw you when you were a little boy.
Oh,
Dalai Lama would have been a better reference.
Dalai Lama.
The Dalai Lama.
Yes, of course.
I stayed with the Dalai Lama for a little while.
At the devil.
Before you got to us?
Yes.
You went to the Home Depot or many, many, many detours before
following the advice of the tattoo.
They're pretty much all over the place.
Now, why did you wait so long?
Hold on a second.
Did you wake up
at the foot of the time machine as an old man?
Yeah.
Oh, all right.
Good.
Yes, good.
Well, I thought maybe he woke up, you know, as a little boy, and then he just took his time.
I'm not very good with time because I don't have a calendar.
So
it does make things easier.
It really does.
Also, your appointments, you can keep track of them.
Yes, many appointments, many appointments.
So
you woke up next to that college in Boston.
I guess, yeah.
Right.
And then you seem to think it's in Boston.
You had a very, like, almost condescending way of very specific about it.
I wish I understood what anyone was talking about.
But you understand, right?
I get it.
I get it.
Yes.
Oh, no.
I'm well aware that you understand and that you understand.
Because I
understand yourself.
For the sake of of finding out more information about my life, I'm willing to move past the truth.
Then you stayed with the Dalai Lama
for a while.
Yeah.
And then you made your way to us.
How long were you with the Dalai Lama?
Until he.
Until he passed away.
What?
Is the Dalai Lama passed away?
You're saying the Dalai Lama has passed away?
When?
Why?
Where?
Where?
The reporter's questions.
I have a better question.
How?
Oh.
And also, whom?
They stabbed him in the face.
Wow!
Four.
Why?
In the face?
Why did he just try to stab him in the face?
It's gruesome.
I was sleeping, and he said it's time to get up before von.
I said, What the fuck do you think you are, bro?
I'm sleeping and just pow!
Right in the kitchen.
Walking Dead style?
Yeah.
What's that?
What's a Walking Dead?
Oh, it's a television program.
Do you watch The Walking Dead?
I do watch The Walking Dead, yes.
Yeah, no spoilers, though.
Thank you.
Is Rick still alive, though?
Give me that.
Yes, he is.
Okay, good.
Well, wait, when are we recording this?
Who knows?
He may be dead.
He may be dead at this point.
Yes.
What about the Flocking Dead?
Never mind.
Okay, anyway.
So you stabbed the Dalai Lama.
He's defeated.
I ran away and I stayed at a very nice actor, Steve Ewan's house, for a little bit.
Jan, I believe it's Jan.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't pronounce that correctly.
No, you certainly didn't.
Why, is he a famous actor?
What television jealousy is upon?
He is upon
the Walking Dead program.
Oh, what a
quanky dink.
Quank book.
Quank dink.
What a canker sore.
Yeah.
So, how long were you there with him?
Until he died.
Wait a minute.
Now, Fauval.
Well, fake die.
Oh, he's just on the show?
I think it was just makeup.
Oh, okay.
You think it was just makeup.
Well, he tricked me.
He's the only person to ever survive my wrath.
Because he put on zombie makeup that was lying around the show.
Oh, so you came upon him, thought he was dead.
Bill Murray style and
zombie land.
Zombie land.
That I've seen.
That I'm
watched that at the Dalai Lama.
First thing I did when I woke up.
Sadly.
I have a tattoo that says, do yourself a favor, go to a red box and get yourself a zombie land.
Once I found out what a red box was, I tried and watched that.
And then
is that still a thing as of this recording?
I'm not sure.
I do not know.
It just stopped.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, no one used them no more.
Did the Dalai Lama have a personal one in his.
of course?
He's the Dalai Lama.
Why do you think he was so serene?
So we'd all be we could all be as serene as the Dalai Lama if we had our own personal red box.
I like to think that's what Netflix is, is your own personal red box.
What's a Netflix?
It's a...
Hmm.
How impossible to describe.
It really is.
How could one describe a Netflix?
Do you know envelopes?
Of course, yes.
Well,
do you like a lot of them lying around your house?
Yes.
Have you ever wanted to
store movies that you would never watch
in a sleeve of paper?
Have you ever wanted to pay
a company to store a round thing in your house?
Yes.
Have you ever felt like you wanted to be a movie warehouse
for that privilege?
Up to seven movies at a time.
Yeah, you could do that now.
Yes, you could pay someone for the privilege of being a movie warehouse.
Yes.
Wow.
That's kind of what we're talking about when you're doing that.
Have you ever wanted to impose a weird guilt on yourself?
Yes.
That you didn't know even existed.
Then there also is a weird guilt of DVR clearing off your duty.
There's a lot that you have to catch up to.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
Yeah, there's a lot that I missed.
A lot of guilts for modern people in our society.
A lot of guilt for modern people.
I imagine things were simpler back in the 30s.
Very simple.
I mean,
all I did all day was hit a little circle with a stick.
That's all I ever did.
I had a blast.
Yeah, you just hit it with the stick?
Did you ever try to get the circle to stand up and then roll it around?
No, I never thought of that.
You just were hitting it?
I just beat the living shit out of it while I was on the ground.
Why?
They called it Beat the Circle.
Wait, who called it?
You and the Hills?
Me, the Hills,
Alfred Hitchcock.
What?
Alfred Hitchcock?
Yeah.
He was a big movie director at the time, doing movies like Foreign Correspondent.
He died.
Wait a minute.
Now, Folvo,
I hesitate to ask this question.
How did he die?
He was taking a shower.
No.
This is ending up to be highly ironic, I bet.
How so?
He was taking a shower.
Sure.
In a hotel.
Okay,
keep going.
I don't know why.
I don't recall at the moment, but I happen to be dressed as an old lady.
Is that so?
I think so.
It might have have been Halloween time.
I don't know.
I think so.
And I just, there was this song playing this weird song.
It was like,
I don't even remember.
And I stabbed the shit out of him.
I opened the curtain and just stabbed the shit out of him.
And
chocolate syrup spilled out.
Sure.
How did you know?
Not blood.
No, not blood.
Back then, we didn't have blood.
We used chocolate syrup.
Chocolate syrup.
Can I say
you use chocolate syrup as blood
in your body?
Yeah.
Can I ask, when the curtain was drawn, how could you tell it was him?
I mean
by his silhouette, I mean.
By his profile, yeah.
His profile.
When the curtain was before the curtain.
The shower curtain.
When it was drawn, yeah.
Or
I guess.
Drawn open.
Drawn shut.
Well, I'm talking about that.
Before he did it, I actually drew a picture of what it looked like anyway.
I say, if I were Alfred Hitchcock.
Sure.
Oh, and I hope that one day you are.
Who knows who you are because you lied the first time.
If I had a famous silhouette,
I would put it on the outside of my showering curtain and then I would endeavor to walk into that silhouette.
I would too.
That's
every shower.
Oh, yeah.
I would make a silhouette of myself naked, too.
And I would give myself
down there.
Oh, man.
Absolutely.
And I try to fill that up every day.
Yes, absolutely.
Lord Weber, you are in a handpied mood.
Perhaps I am.
I've weakened in my hunger state.
Do you fancy a shag?
So do you want that now or later?
Wait, I thought that you said that you...
Were you going to provide him with a shag?
I don't know.
I just want to know if you wanted it now or later.
So let's get back to business.
Sorry, yeah.
You're in danger.
We're always a great deal in danger.
What?
Why?
In what?
That's why I came here.
I followed the tattoos.
They gave me this address.
They said, find them and tell them of the danger.
What is this danger?
Tell us of it.
Said, we corrected the problems last time, but there is a problem anew.
Anew?
Yeah.
Oh, no.
What is this new problem?
That's the problem.
I must have ran out of ink.
It says, tell Scott Rick and Andrew Lloyd Weber that Fry were here.
And it just didn't make no sense after that.
I think what may have...
Because I'm looking at your body.
Okay.
So am I.
It seems weird.
Oh, boy.
It seems as if you've run out of canvas.
Maybe you just ran out of space, but have you looked everywhere on your body, including the places that you can't look?
Maybe one of us should look in one of these places.
Skotrick, you should look.
You're trying to say you want to look at my asshole?
I don't.
I think he is trying to say that.
I mean, I was going to say where the sun doesn't shine.
Yeah, my asshole.
Do you mind turning around and grabbing your ankles?
Yeah, no, I got no problem with that with you.
No problem.
Yep, there we go.
There we go.
All right.
Trousers down.
Skotrick, what do you see?
All right.
Well,
first of all, he's a very tiny person.
Yes, he has a very tiny.
He's exceedingly small.
He has a very tiny anus.
Stand to reason.
But it seems as if he's tattooed around the circle of his anus.
It's a circle, thank God.
Yeah.
Wait, what?
What did you think it was?
I've never seen it before, so I was always afraid maybe it was like one of those Play-Doh spaghetti house things.
Like a star?
Yeah, I was just hoping it wasn't going to come out.
It never occurred to me to be worried about something like that, but now I am.
And you've never seen it.
Who knows?
Exactly.
You never asked the Dalai Lama to take a look at it.
Come on, man.
That guy was nice.
One doesn't ask the Dalai Lama.
Not even Stephen Young?
He was the, you know, he got away.
Okay, well,
he's the one who got away.
Let me see if I can.
I need a magnifying glass of some sort.
He has one.
Oh, okay.
Where are you going?
Oh.
Well, your monocle is also a magnifying glass.
Yes, that's right.
Oh, my goodness.
I need to attach it to some sort of a stick, though.
Oh, here you are.
My scepter.
Oh, okay.
So I'm attaching Lord Weber's monocle to his scepter, and I have some sort of makeshift magnifying glass.
Yes.
Let me hold it up to your anus.
Circular, by the way, looks good.
For those listening to who.
Ow!
Oh!
Though the window's open, you just burned my asshole.
Oh, sorry.
Pull the shade.
Let me draw the shade shut.
I see two words.
I'm going to have to turn my head in a circular fashion in order to see these, as
they're not straight lines, certainly.
So, let me read them as I turn my head.
Yes, thank you.
Freivalt, Freivalt, that's my brother.
Or
Freiva wherein one story cringe fry.
So, it may be referring to either of these.
Yes, at this point, we do not know
returneth
Freivalt Freivalt returneth.
That's weird.
Huh.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Interesting.
Freivalt returneth.
Freivalt returneth.
Sounds like he's coming back, but with a couple extra letters.
In a biblical fashion.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm wondering why.
Why wouldn't you just say returns?
I don't know.
It just
makes you like the pain.
Yeah.
Perhaps the extra two letters.
Perhaps it wasn't Fauville who
and actually the tattoo.
Perhaps it was Freywald himself.
That's true.
I'd think it would be hard to reach.
Well, it's not hard to reach, obviously, but it would be hard to at least spell.
Yeah, I wipe my butt every day in my life.
Every day?
Yeah.
Wow, that's a luxury.
But you don't wipe your butt every day.
You wipe your butt every day.
Wait, Lord Weber, do you have my butt every
seemly conversation?
But I will say, you should do it every day.
I'm a homeless scamp who lives on the streets.
I got one of the cleanest beeholes in history.
I think every three days is fine.
Well, boy.
Okay, well, in any case, who do you think tattooed that upon poor Forval over here?
Huh?
I believe it must have been Freivalt, and he is sending a message to us that he is coming.
So, how could I believe any of these?
Do you think Freivalt maybe tattooed everything upon you?
What if I was captured by him and he did it just to get his revenge because we killed him last time?
I feel as if that may be the case.
And I also feel what if he returns?
I don't think what do we do?
It is possible that.
We need some mnemonic device to figure out what happens if Freivold returns.
Oh boy, here we go.
Yes.
Put on a pot of coffee.
Let's see.
All right.
Just gonna settle in here.
All right, now it's a mnemonic.
What are we trying to remember?
If Freivold returneth, if he returns, first we must decide what shall we do, then we need a mnemonic device to remember what we shall do.
Oh, okay.
So
I guess we would need to defend ourselves.
Yes.
And we shouldn't stop Freivold for the good of all mankind.
Sure, but maybe we would need a weapon of some sort in order to defend ourselves.
I mean, I got that.
I got a whole bunch.
You did what do you what do you have?
What do you have on here?
I mean, I got I got uh bowing knives, I got hunting knives, I I got button knives, I got a couple Rottweilers stuck in there.
You have Rottweilers inside your pockets?
Yeah.
Tiny ones?
Tinier than you?
Little tiny Rottweilers.
That I gotta see.
Oh, here.
Look at that teacup Rottweiler.
Oh, my goodness.
He is the cutest thing I've ever seen.
And terrified.
Do you mind if I pet him?
Ow!
Be careful.
They haven't eaten in days.
Do you feed your Rottweilers before you feed yourself?
Yeah.
That's so nice.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Well, we should figure out some means of attack on Freivalt.
Should he
just want to be prepared because you guys seem like such nice people.
Thank you so much.
In my time of need, when I saw these tattoos, I thought they're the only people in the world that could help me.
You seem like you've grown up a lot since the last time we've
saw you.
Yeah, since the last time you saw me.
I saw in you.
Since the last time you Goldie saw me.
I think I just saw in you, by the way, and you might need to check up.
Oh, no.
Well, coming from the guy who only wipes his ass once every three days.
He's got you there.
Still, get yourself checked out.
You should get yourself checked out.
It's probably a mess down there.
I saw some weird stuff down there.
Sorry.
Yeah.
Well, we need to figure out some sort of
defense.
Yes.
A weapon of some sort.
Well, certainly
should we say Rottweiler
grab?
Rottweiler snatch.
Rottweiler snatch.
First we should figure
misconstrued as anything else.
Rottweiler, if member reserves, is R-O-T-T-W-E-I-L-L-E-R.
Is that correct?
It is R-O-T-T-W-E-I-L-E-R.
Just one L.
Yes, just one L.
Oh, I was so close.
So sorry.
Rottweiler Snatch.
All right.
So here's.
Rottweiler Snatch!
Rottweiler Snatch.
Okay.
Rottweiler Snatch.
And how shall we remember this?
Let's see.
Seems like a very specific fetish.
Yeah.
I would hate.
Let's use a mnemonic device.
Oh, you don't say.
All right.
I do.
I would hate it if we were to end this episode and then not see a bunch of websites devoted to this fetish after we complete it.
Correct.
Rottweiler Snatch.
You mean
webbing sites?
We would look at them?
Sure, together.
I don't know.
As a family?
Well, there's more guy stuff we're just going to hang on to.
Getting into the guy stuff.
All right.
So, how is this new monster?
Ah!
Right, we are to destroy Freivolt using these tiny tech dogs.
I'm going to say that right, we are to destroy ellipsis.
Certainly.
Good luck remembering it.
Okay.
Oh, what a situation we are in to have to destroy Frevault using these tiny rottweilers.
Yes.
What was wrong with what I said?
Too long.
Yeah.
Oh, I see.
But this one's just right.
Just right.
Yes.
Tea.
Tea.
Thank you for helping me in my battle against Fry Vault.
Oh, that's nice.
Motherfucker.
Oh, wow.
I wasn't done yet.
You added your kind of
four vault spin on it.
Oh, did I?
Yeah.
Patois of the streets.
Second tea to me.
Yes.
Tea time.
Take a break and murder Freivold.
W, Wiggs.
Wiggs.
It's got to be.
Of course, yes.
It's got to be.
Yes.
E.
E.
Earth is where we will kill Freivold.
Oh, that's very good.
That's very good.
Not up in the Vicar of Yank's satellite.
Certainly not.
He's not around anymore either.
What?
What?
Have you come up to space to kill the Vicar of Way?
I have have this vague memory that I may have done something to him in the past.
I do hope that he's still.
I hope he's on the phone.
He's a wonderful gentleman.
It may me too.
He's nice as Philip.
I'm hoping.
I don't remember, so I'm hoping I did nothing, but it's quite possible that I did.
You just have a feeling.
Yeah, I'm hooked on it.
I'm hooked on phonics myself.
I to you.
I'm hooked on a feeling.
I'm hooked on a feeling.
Yes.
That's right.
That was an amazing coincidence.
Right.
L, look here.
I'm hooked on a feeling.
Perfect.
Okay, E to you.
E to phone home, because Vorvolt is going to kill Freivolt, hopefully.
In that song pattern.
R to you, Lord Weber.
Right, let's murder Freivolt, matey.
Wow, you're getting.
I assume you'll be shouting it when you do it.
Of course I will.
So, of course,
my voice will deteriorate into cockney.
Yes, okay.
S.
Say,
wouldn't it be a thing to kill Freivalt?
N to you?
Nell Carter is not who you are.
You are forvo the man who will help kill Freivault and save Andrew Lloyd Weber and the other guy.
Very good.
A to you.
Oh, Wiggs.
Oh, or A!
Like the Fonds
for another mnemonic device.
No, no.
That'll mess us up.
I'm sorry.
I don't know where I got that from.
Yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
I feel like we almost need to start over.
We're getting confused by this Fonzie-type exclamation.
I don't know if I feel that way.
Oh, okay.
T to me.
Sorry, but I developed a lisp.
But let's kill Freivalt.
Thirdly.
C to you.
Cunt.
Great.
Great.
And the final letter to Andrew Lloyd Weber, the honor of the final letter, H to Andrew.
Hello.
And we all know when one says hello, it is polite to say hello back.
So we should add another H, probably.
There are three fingers pointing back at you.
That's true.
So add another H for hello for both of us to say hello.
So it's Rottweiler Snatcher.
Ha, yes, of course.
So here's the situation that we're in.
If Freivalt,
if Freivalt were to ever burst upon
the scene.
The scene is, yeah.
Wouldn't it be crazy if he was here right now?
It would be crazy.
He is not, though.
Wouldn't it be crazy if he was here the whole time?
It would be.
Of course, it's not.
Wouldn't it be crazy if he had dressed up like an old man to fool you guys and he was just here the whole time?
It would be crazy, of course, but that is not the situation.
Hello.
Freivolt!
Yeah.
Remember me?
Remember you tried to kill me?
Hello.
That's Vaguely familiar.
Oh, yeah, vaguely familiar.
What's up, Andrew Lloyd Weber?
You forgot me.
I was a Sondheim fan, you motherfucker.
No, this is Stephen Sondheim, I think.
Oh, yes.
Shit, Stephen Sondheim.
Steven Sondheim from America.
From New York, as a matter of fact,
from New York City.
I can tell by your accent.
Oh, you love barbecue sauce, right?
I love barbecue sauce.
It's an honor to meet you.
I'll get to you in a second.
Thank you.
Joe.
I'm not.
I'm not Scott.
You're not?
Zip?
What?
Hello?
Forvo?
Hello?
Why, you're just a little boy.
Where am I?
Who the hell are you?
You're here.
Do you have any scraps?
You're on Earth.
Do you have any scraps?
Yo, this is
fucked up.
Um, hey, oh.
I killed Forval in a previous time to take his body to come back here to kill Scott Auckerman.
You didn't kill me.
And Andrew Lloyd Weber.
I thought I did.
No, I had some zombie makeup lying around I stole from Stephen Young.
That is the most brilliant trickery I've ever heard.
The greatest trick that Forvo ever played was getting Japanese zombie makeup.
Thank God my brother is still alive.
Hi, I missed you.
I missed you.
I'm sorry, I had to kill you.
You didn't kill me.
Thank God.
Why'd you want to kill me?
I had to, because you guys killed me when I did nothing.
Well, now, I, of course, didn't kill anyone.
I'm from America.
Wait, is this?
Who is this?
Is this Stephen Sutton?
It's me, Steven Sunday.
This is is Stephen Hutton.
This is the incomparable Steven Sonheim.
Bow down.
Frifault, don't you see what's happening?
What?
That's not Stephen Sonheim.
What do you say?
What?
What are you doing, Skotrick?
I'm not Scott Sanh.
Skotrick?
Wait, Huda.
I'm
Fauville.
Huda.
Fauville.
Whatnot.
I'm Fauville.
This is a plan that we hatched.
Look, all I know is I came here to kill some time bobbies.
And if we have all somehow collapsed upon each other inside out at some sort of vortex...
Do you own a vortex, by the way?
Do I own a vortex?
Yeah, mine's under my bed.
I never use it.
Yeah, but we lived in the same house for a little while.
So yeah, maybe I slipped into that vortex somehow.
Oh, maybe I'm thinking of my vortex.
I'm very frightened and afraid.
You do not look frightened.
You look more confused than anything else.
Also that.
Did you hear his voice?
He slipped out of the New York accent.
Oh, you motherfucker.
Yeah, it is Andrew Lloyd Weber.
Yes, yes, it is I, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and I am prepared to accept whatever fate awaits me at your hands or the hands of you.
Frywalth, I'll let you do the honors and just say what you want to do to this motherfucker, because he's really, he's fucking, he's really just a fucking
fucking fucking fucking fucking
fucking guy.
I mean, this guy is a fucking piece of shit, man.
What crime have I committed other than inspiring millions with my musical compositions?
I go to my grave, if to the grave I must go, with my head held high,
in service of Her Majesty.
He treated my little brother like shit.
He wanted to live with you, and you said nothing.
You would not let him.
As a matter of fact, you played him like a fool.
And then he came back to apologize.
All I wanted was a nice man with a nice home.
I offered to let you live in a golden cage, but you threatened to stab me again and again.
And a few times you did stab me.
Motherfucker, you put me in a cage again.
Now you got it, son.
Forvald, we've talked about your language.
Oh, don't you talk to him like that.
He could talk any way he wants.
My bigger brother Freivald here now, and he's going to protect me.
And besides that, I'm also packing.
I got the Rottweilers.
He was in disguise.
He doesn't have any of them.
I actually got the Rottweilers right here.
Rottweiler Snatcher?
What?
What?
What?
What?
Excuse me?
What?
I just said Rottweiler Snatcher.
Yeah, I know what that was.
Because I was dressed up as Forval.
Wait, I know what it was because I'm dressed up like Scott.
What?
You are, Scott?
No, I'm...
Wait, am I?
I think you two better kill each other.
Let me check this almanac for a second here.
Check the almanac.
Who am I?
Turns out the Red Sox won the World Series recently.
Wait,
that team in Boston?
Oh, boy.
Wait a minute.
Let me put my costume back on.
Zip!
Hey.
I'm back.
I realize now that
Forval
and I are the same person, that I'm just wearing a Scott costume, but I actually am Forval.
Oh, you.
I'm sorry.
You just realized that you're wearing a Scott costume?
Yes, I've been wearing a Scott costume my whole life.
And that I actually am Forval.
And you
are Freivalt, my brother.
Correct.
I was dressed up as an old Forval.
That was a joke.
You tricked me into thinking that I was an old man.
Also, that we could kill Andrew Lloyd Weber.
So let's kill Andrew Lloyd Weber.
I say we do this.
I say, let's kill Andrew Lloyd Weber.
Full sale.
We find ourselves at a curious circumstance.
Shut the fuck up.
Oh my god, this is the Grizzly Man himself.
He's not the Grizzly Man.
He's the director of the film.
I thought that was a director's autobiography.
No, no, no.
This is not an autobiography.
No, Grizzly Man is not about the director of the film.
I did not realize that.
No, no, Werner Herzog?
Yes.
You've been dressed up like Andrew Lloyd Weber?
For this whole time.
Every time you have spoken to Andrew Lloyd Weber, it has secretly been me.
The entire time?
The entire time.
So where is Andrew Lloyd Weber?
He doesn't exist.
What?
What?
He is a creation of
legend.
It was originally to make children eat their vegetables.
That was why Andrew Lloyd Weber was invented to make children eat their vegetables.
It didn't work.
Dear
clearly.
Was it a thing of if you don't eat your vegetables, you'll have to go to an Andrew Lloyd Weber musical?
That's correct.
Oh.
Interesting.
We are really involved in quite a buttercream effect right now.
This is the buttercream effect, I think.
My goodness.
So every time.
It seems as if my whole world has collapsed in upon itself.
And mine as well.
Every time Andrew Lloyd Weber has been on the show, it's been you in disguise?
Yes, that is correct.
In disguise?
Disguise.
Disguise right there.
No wonder you said you had two thumbs when you were Andrew Lloyd Weber.
Yes.
I've only known one other guy to have two thumbs, and that's been you.
Yes, my thumbs are so constant that I might as well be an Englishman.
I have to say, this is technicality, no-down boo-over.
Technicality, no-down boo-over.
Yes, this is technicality, no-down boo-over.
I don't like.
Technicality, no-down boo-over.
I don't know.
Technicality, no-down boo-over.
Yes, look.
Coco Marks.
Wait, Coco Marks is here?
Yeah, it's me, Coco Marks.
How did you.
This is all.
He started.
Zip?
What?
Huh, it's me, Aaron Neville.
Aaron Neville?
Oh my god, layers upon layers.
Zip?
What?
It's me, Fival, from the movie.
From an American tale?
Correct.
Somewhere out there.
Zip!
It's me, Peebo Bryson.
Somewhere out there.
Zip!
It's me, Aladdin.
Didn't you sing a song for Aladdin?
Wait, are you who you we think you are?
Zip!
Y'all hear him, Tyreens!
JW still watching!
That's right!
There's a crime going on here!
Y'all murderers!
Zip!
It's me, Jesse the Mine Saw Body Ventura!
Zip!
Hello, it's the Sheriff of Nottingham.
Zip!
It's me, Jazz Jazz.
Jazz Jazz.
Who's Jazz Jazz?
From
This is an obscure one, right?
Jazz Jazz, the I'm a fan of the show.
The barber from the barber shop?
I'm trying to remember his details.
Zip?
Ha!
Well, looky here!
Oh,
wow!
Hugh Hauser.
I'm back from the dead.
Wow!
Rising from the grave, or is it just Steve Steve Young zombie makeup?
Wow!
Zip!
Bring out the girls.
Zip!
I was lying the whole time.
It's me, Fourville, again.
The real Forville.
Zip!
That's me, Scott.
I was lying the whole time.
Zip!
It's me, Andrew Lloyd-Webber.
I was lying the whole time.
You motherfuckers.
You motherfuckers.
You motherfuckers as well.
Science!
We're all just a bunch of motherfuckers.
We're all a bunch of time-traveling motherfuckers.
We were like the ears, but people.
We were lying to each other.
We all lied.
We were folding in on each other, and it's gotta stop.
It's gotta stop.
There's only one way to stop it.
What's that?
Like this!
My wife's next!
My wife's next!
You can't do this!
Yeah, you motherfuckers, this will never happen again.
I'm gonna get on my pony.
I'm gonna drive away.
I will return.
Look at him drive that pony.
It's got eight legs.
Oh, Scott.
I feel as if I have very deep knifing wounds.
It looks as if that is so.
Is this blood seeping through my fingers?
He got me walking dead style right in the forehead.
No.
Yes.
Hello.
Yes.
Hi, I'm Jay Davidson.
I was looking for my penis.
Hey everybody, it's Paul Scheer, host of How Did This Get Made, a podcast that covers the best, worst movies.
This week, we're diving into the brand new War of the Worlds reboot, starring Ice Cube.
Yes, the movie that got 2% on Rotten Tomatoes.
Ice Cube is saving the world from aliens via his computer.
It's so convoluted, this plot, but basically, if you have an Amazon account, you can save the day just like Ice Cube.
There is so much going on in this movie, so join me, June Diane Rayfield, and Jason Zukis, as we break down every bizarre choice and every Ice Cube one-liner on this week's episode of How Did This Get Made, the podcast that makes sense of movies that don't.