Bonus Bang: Adam Scott, Will Hines, Jessica McKenna (Teenage Dirtbag)

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At the University of Arizona, we believe that everyone is born with wonder.

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Hey, everyone, and welcome to another bonus bang where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang Out from Behind the Paywall.

This is your host, Scott Ackerman, and this week we are wrapping up our Teenage Dirtbag series featuring some of the fun teenage characters we've had on the show over the years.

And this week we're featuring a very special one.

This week, it's all about It's Your Boy Troy, played played by Jessica McKenna, of course.

It's Your Boy Troy is a 17-year-old wildcat and politician at McKernan High School.

And he has a really interesting platform he's running on.

And I'll just let you hear it.

This was episode 443, released September 6th, 2016.

The episode also has Adam Scott from Severance and Will Hines, not from Severance.

He plays, Will Hines plays Entertainer and King of the Second Acts, Jack Sparks.

Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear more episodes from the Comedy Bang Bang archives, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

We have all of the past episodes ad-free.

Every live show, ad-free new episodes and bonus shows like CBB Presents, Scott Hasn't Seen, College Town, Neighborhood Listen, so much stuff over there.

Now, we're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Comedy bang bang.

Move over, John 316.

Here comes me, 469.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Ah, thank you so much, Shampoodler.

Catchphrase Superstar for that wonderful catchphrase.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

And my gosh, Labor Day.

It was spelled with a U

in other countries, but with just an O in this one.

Labor Day is upon us.

I hope you're spending your holiday with us.

I would guess about half of you are catching up with this tomorrow.

But if you are listening to us on Labor Day, I hope you're out there by a barbecue

um and our guest is um acting like he's next to a barbecue i believe oh okay he's sipping some sort of oh you eat really high up next to your chin by the way you're like cutting your steak right next to your chin

Our first guest, by the way, I am Scott Auckerman.

Our first guest is a mime, primarily prime,

prime, merrily?

I don't know.

No, I'm getting a shaking of the head.

He is.

Wow, what were those two things you were just putting together?

I was banging two symbols together, but I'm a person that doesn't know how to.

Wait, you're a person that doesn't know how to bang symbols together, but you've picked up two symbols and you're...

Attempting to bash it.

You realize, just because you're a mime, if you're talking and making any noise, you don't have to whisper.

You can just talk because...

Not technically talking.

That's that's it's whispering.

Okay, so I see are you gonna whisper the entire show can i ask

not until you introduce me oh okay when i introduce you you're finally getting it boy i cannot wait to hear this full booming voice of yours i haven't spoken in six weeks what

what can i ask what's been going on

i've been in mime school embarrassed you oh okay see now i wonder because i never knew you were a mime you started going to school six weeks ago and now you've gotten up to person who picks up symbols and doesn't know how to use them that was my thesis you're really Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Am I a mime if I'm doing this as well?

Well, you are now because now you're not speaking.

Now, okay, so now, how long does it take to become a mime if you don't speak?

Uh, well, it it actually,

the moment you start not speaking, there's a certification process that's going on in France right now.

Oh, okay.

So now you are officially a mum.

You'll get it in FedEx to you tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

The FedEx?

Not the mail, FedEx.

Oh, okay.

It's not mail.

It's FedEx.

Well, FedEx sponsors the Mime school.

It's their school.

Is there the FedEx mime school?

Why do they have a dog in this hunt?

What do they care about?

What do you mean?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Am I supposed to mime a dog?

If I talk about a dog,

why are you bringing one of these into this hunt?

I'm sorry.

I don't know what a mime yet.

I just became one.

With a dog, you go.

Wait, you're the dog.

That's like charades.

Oh, you want me to mime holding a dog?

Yes, mime holding a dog.

Not you being a dog.

Oh, wow.

That actually is really good, I gotta say.

Our guest is, yeah, that was a squirrely dog.

Dogs don't like being held, so.

Is it okay to call a dog squirrely, by the way?

Because it's not a squirrel.

Is that like an insult to call a dog a squirrel?

Well, do you want to see me miming holding a squirrel?

Yes, please.

A little smaller, I gotta say, but pretty much the same action.

Squirrels hate being held.

They really do.

But dogs sometimes love being held.

You're on the verge of speaking, so I would just take it easy.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

So, when I introduce you, you are going to speak, is that right?

Well, I guess we'll find out, won't we?

Okay, great.

Our first guest

has been on this show several times throughout the seven, almost eight years we've been doing it.

He and I had a program together

called Hugh Hawking Hugh Hugh Hugh He.

And he has a brand new movie coming out in theaters this Friday, right after Labor Day, the coveted slot.

Please welcome Adam Scott.

Thanks, Scott.

Oh, shit.

You're not talking.

I can't keep this up.

I have to talk.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Hi, Adam Scott is here.

Hello, Adam.

Hi, Scott.

Oh, God.

I can't listen to this.

Our listeners can't listen to this.

Do you need me to?

They're going to be turned offers, not listeners.

Okay, this is kind of a big deal because I haven't spoken in six weeks.

Right, yeah.

Well, you're not going to be kicked out of mind school, are you?

Well, no, I finished the program.

Oh, that's right.

You wrote your thesis.

What did you get?

Did you get high marks?

I got an F.

Then why are you continuing with it?

At mime school, though, F is

the best.

It's the highest.

It's the highest.

Does it stand for something?

Fucking amazing.

Why don't they just call it an A for amazing?

Because they have to add the F because it's like really fucking amazing?

They're French.

Oh, okay.

But also, they don't use the the word fucking, I would think, because they're French.

English is now internationally.

Oh, okay, okay.

This makes a lot of sense.

There are no more languages.

Okay, so look, if so, you...

Sorry, should I just stay?

Oh!

Hi, Adam.

Does someone need to alert France?

It actually is harder to whisper than it is to talk.

It is.

And bits get old really quick when you're whispering.

You know?

Welcome to the program.

Thanks.

It's been a while.

Sorry.

That actually.

Did that slip out or was that intentional?

It slipped out.

Yep.

Welcome back, Adam.

People know you from, you had a short tenure on a show called Parks and Recreation.

Not an original cast member, but you had.

At your point, and I mean, you know, at this point, why does it matter?

Why bring it up that I came on

everybody?

I just want people, if people are going, wait, Parks and Recreation, one of the guys from the beginning, and they're trying to picture you in their mind.

I don't think that.

People never wonder if there's someone's, whatever.

Okay, I'm just saying you came on quite late in the program.

Sure.

Yeah, I did.

I'm like the Ron Wood of the Parks and Rec cast.

I don't even know what Ron Wood means.

Ron Wood?

Yeah.

Who's Ron Wood?

Rhythm guitarist.

Oh,

guitarist of the.

Oh, Ronnie.

Yeah, Ronnie Wood.

Sorry.

Okay.

What is going on with your wrist?

You're caressing your wrist right now.

It's an older?

No, it's a mime school habit.

Oh, okay.

And what would be the purpose of that habit?

Well, my teacher

had, some people used to do it with a ruler.

He did it with an actual baseball bat.

He would hit your wrist really hard.

If you mimed incorrectly?

If you mimed incorrectly.

Oh, my gosh.

So I had.

I think you have a broken arm.

That's not a mime school injury.

That's like a broken wrist.

My wrist is severely fractured.

And so when I rub it, it makes it just feel a little bit better.

But I'm still in severe pain.

You really should go to the hospital.

You've flown over from France with a fractured wrist.

That's right.

And I just came straight here from

the airport?

Yeah.

LAX.

Well, that's a good airport.

Is some people.

Of course.

Well, thank you.

I appreciate it, although I fear for your safety during this show.

That's fine.

I mean, I got a quick x-ray on the plane, and the doctor said that the bone...

A doctor brought his x-ray machine with him in his carry-on?

Yeah, there was a doctor on there, luckily, who had an x-ray machine.

He said the bone marrow is starting to leak out into

not only my bloodstream, but the rest of

it is.

Do you want to open a slit into maybe your wrist and maybe the marrow could come out?

I mean, if you have.

I have a razor blade right here.

If you want to.

Okay, yeah, here you go.

It's sterile.

Oh, yeah.

Here, let me just blow on it.

There you go.

Okay.

Yeah.

There you are.

Yeah, just just open her up there.

There it is.

Yeah, you see that marrow?

Yeah, that's...

Look at all that red marrow coming out.

Marrow is...

Wait, is marrow red?

I don't know.

That stuff that's coming out of your wrist is red.

That's blood.

Oh, okay.

It's actually quite a bit of blood.

Yeah, gosh.

Are you going to peel right?

Oh, there's the marrow.

It's kind of a deep brown.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, I've eaten marrow before.

Yeah, you suck it out of a bone when you're eating delicious meats.

Can we get an isolation of Adam saying, you suck it out of a bone, by the way?

Is that possible?

You mean you want me to say it over again so it can be?

Yeah, yeah, let's get it clean.

Sucking it out of a bone.

No, you suck it out of a bone.

You suck it out of a bone.

Okay, great.

We're going to make that into

some ringtones.

Just go ahead.

Have fun with that.

Have fun with that.

Who knows?

Man, it's hot in here.

Is it?

Let's turn down the heat.

We have a full blast heat here.

I'm not sure why.

Well, you do...

What is it?

A heated yoga.

What is it called?

Hot yoga.

Hot yoga.

Which, by the way, isn't there a better name for something than hot yoga?

I know.

It just sounds like B.O.

Yeah,

first of all, it sounds like hot yogurt.

You know what I mean?

Because hot yogurt, as everyone knows, is gross.

It's the grossest treat.

It's the grossest of all the yogurts.

So when you say hot yoga, yoga, yogurt, it sounds like hot yogurt.

So what you have to do, if you really think about it, like really take the time, sit down,

kind of put on the noise, cancel headphones, canceling headphones, and just kind of look out a window and close your eyes.

All you have to add is an ERT.

And it would be hot yogurt.

Yeah, exactly.

If someone were to add an ERT to this,

if someone had built an ERT in their backyard, you know, and put some hot yoga inside of it.

Hot yogurt.

Yeah, exactly.

Now, Adam.

Glad we brought that to its conclusion.

Yep, the full circle is something to try to aspire to, and we did not achieve it.

What brings you by the program here?

Because now you and I have not seen each other

either socially or

in a professional

capacity for probably a day.

So

what brings you by here today?

Well,

we've been texting a little bit.

I mean, if you call 350 text messages a little bit, I mean, I'm over my limit, I have to say.

I think some people would think that's a lot, but for you and I, that's very far for the course.

Yeah.

I mean, I only get, by the way, two text messages a month.

Right.

So I am really over my limit.

Well, my phone actually isn't able to.

I've been blocked from texting

by the police.

By the police.

The Los Angeles.

Oh, the Laptead.

The Police Department.

Laptead.

Yeah.

Laptead.

Yeah.

So now you and I have been texting and you were like, got to get on, bro.

Got to get on, bro.

Let me on.

Let me on.

Please get on.

Put me in, coach, was one that you

that you had.

I'm ready to play.

Yep, that's some clapping.

That was Fogarty's peak.

I don't care what anyone says.

Peak of popularity?

No peak of just being great.

Being great, yeah.

You have a couple of projects coming out, and

one is something that you're not in.

Correct.

And

it is, by the way, we should mention these are films.

You're not like one of these usual,

you know, TV actors who comes in here.

Some people like the summertime because all the big extravaganza, like what I like to call movies, come out.

Sure, flicks.

Oh, my God.

Like, oh, let's just cram some popcorn down our throats, throats, suck on a corn, big corn,

a big tub of freezing cold corn syrup and just take in the corporate

just bullshit entertainer.

People like, we're not like that.

I mean,

sure,

I'll eat popcorn at the movies.

Sure, and once in a while I'll have a little freezing cold corn syrup.

Just fun.

Sure, sure, because it's fun.

And, you know, I'll see something like a Transformers or something.

Sure.

Hey, once in a while, look, who won't go see a nice big blockbuster?

I mean,

it's like a treat.

Sure.

Like every week on a Thursday,

Thursday night, you know, right when it comes out, because things come out on Thursday.

Midnight showing on Thursday night.

Of course, you go see every single blockbuster that comes out.

But other than that, it's like, no, no, thank you.

So, no, yeah, you're right.

These are films.

These are films.

Great.

And let's talk about, because we've talked many times about our favorite films.

In fact, is this an episode of I Love Films?

I think it might be.

Hey, everyone, welcome to I Love Films.

This is Scott, and this is Scott.

And we're just talking about films.

We're two guys who love films.

Love films.

Love like celluloid.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, down with digital.

Yeah.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Films are pointing down.

Yeah, listen, the 1970s.

That's all I really need.

Easy writer.

Easy writer.

A taxi driver.

Alice Alice doesn't live here anymore.

What about Memean Streets?

Mean streets.

How about a little thing that I like to call the Godfather?

The Godfather.

How about this guy?

How about the Godfather Part 2?

Oh,

you're talking my language.

Some streets.

Which is the language of film.

Some say even better than the original.

Oh, here.

Wait, I have two words for you.

What were they again?

Oh, yeah.

Hal Ashby.

Oh, thank you maker.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for saying those two words.

The 1970s.

The 1900s and 70s decade of film.

This was a time when studio movies were real film.

People took risks then.

Oh, you know what I mean?

I mean, to say they were risky filmmakers doesn't even begin.

What is ironic about this is people were lining up around the block to see these films.

These were the blockbusters, folks.

So when I say film,

I know what I'm talking about.

Sure.

You know what you're talking about.

I know what I'm talking about.

And I think we know what each of us is talking about.

We understand each other.

We understand.

We speak the language of film.

100%.

So have you seen anything recently that you like?

No.

Oh, great app.

That was terrific.

That was really, really good.

So, yeah, anyway, we were talking about film.

Yes.

There's a movie that my wife and I produced.

You're what?

My wife.

You're really saying the catchphrases today.

It's called Other People.

It comes out September 9th.

O people.

People can shorten it to say just O People.

OP.

OP.

You down with OP?

Yeah, or but here's why we don't, you can call it OP, but we don't want to get

that as like, we don't want that catchphrase to catch on too much because

when people are leaving the house for the movie theater, this is what we don't want to happen.

We don't want people to say, hey, honey, you grab my keys

because we got to get going.

We're late for OP.

Like they've already bought their tickets on Pandango for other people.

And then they get that OP in their head, and instead of going to the theater to see other people, they grab their pair of OP shorts out of the drawer and throw those on.

Throw those on and go surfing.

Yes.

Yeah.

And then they forget all of them.

It's dangerous at night.

You cannot go surfing.

Well, you can go surfing at night, but

the insurance is thrown out.

Insurance nightmare.

Oh, it's it's good you know and if you're starring in a big blockbuster movie like you know

people like us yeah

well I saw Krampus they won't they won't insure you right exactly

so

So yeah, there's this very talented young man named Chris Kelly.

Oh, yes.

He is one of the head writers on SNL

for the lay person.

It's kind of like weekend live, but it happens on Saturday night.

Saturday Night Live.

That's what it is.

Yeah.

He's one of the head writers there.

He wrote it and directed it.

He is

a brilliant guy.

He's like

a savant.

And not an idiot savant.

With none of the drawbacks of a savant.

Sure.

Like a perfectly, you know, nice

rated socially

person,

but also is able to do writing and directing very well.

Now, this is a film that he went to see.

He likes.

Why are you talking about him?

He wrote it,

which is that's hard by itself.

Yeah, I mean, you have to know, you have a computer or a typewriter, whatever.

If you don't have one of those, you're out the game, sonny boy.

No, not necessarily, Scott.

I know

of many writers who write longhand on

Pepper.

Longhand on Pepper?

Yes.

Oh,

really?

Oh,

yes.

So, okay, so which did he do?

I don't know.

Who cares?

You didn't read the script?

No.

Okay.

He wrote this script, and then he.

He also directed it.

Directed it.

Directed it.

And the.

Like Coppola.

Like, okay, like Francis Ford Coppola.

Like Martin Scorsese.

Like.

Marty.

You ever hear of Brian DePalma?

Yeah, I think I have.

Okay, I know you have.

Yeah.

Like him.

Did he do...

What did he do?

Did he do?

Mission Impossible.

Mission Impossible.

Right, right, right.

So he wrote and directed this film.

Now, I have to say, as a connoisseur of film,

even though it comes out this Friday,

I saw it a year ago.

What?

Yeah.

I saw this film a year ago because I love films that much.

That's right.

You came.

to our office and watched it in a small hot room on a street.

We were doing hot yoga at the time.

It was a hot room, wasn't it?

It was a little hot, but I enjoyed it.

Yeah, and Molly Shannon and Jesse Plemons are the stars of it, but it also has Bradley Whitford, Maude Apatow, Darcy Cardin.

Who else is in this thing?

Who's the kid in it who does the show?

You know what I'm talking about?

J.J.

Tota.

J.J.

Tota.

He's a star in the making.

Yes.

So it's a terrific movie.

Let me talk a little bit about the plot of this movie.

Sure.

All right.

There is

an ancient

sort of power source that is buried beneath the Earth's crust.

That's right.

Millions and millions of years ago.

That's right.

The ancient Egyptians are building the pyramids and they uncover it.

Right.

Cut to modern society.

Right.

There is a person who does improv.

which is Jesse Clemens.

He knows nothing about this ancient source of energy.

Right.

Never references it.

Nope.

Never brings it up.

It is never even seen on screen.

Not in the movie, no.

No.

In between the scenes, a lot of people, what they don't know is anytime you're watching a scene, what we call a scene in a movie,

a series of sequenced events,

occasionally it will cut to another scene.

Right.

In the character's life, things happen.

In between the margins of the movie.

Yeah, there's a ton of stuff that happens in the movie that isn't shown in the movie.

Sure.

But we shoot all of it.

You shoot all of it.

So you've shot, you shot about, and this takes place over a year.

You shot for one full calendar.

Yeah, I mean, the movie's a little over 90 minutes long, but we have hundreds and hundreds of hours of footage all cut together for people who are interested.

Yeah.

Now, how many people are usually interested in this kind of thing?

Maybe only film lovers like us.

Yeah, like a couple hundred thousand.

And we'll show it to them.

Sure.

Why not?

For, you know, a large amount of money.

Sure.

Because it's expensive to cut all that film together and show it in a theater.

I would say like a million dollars a piece.

Something like that.

Something like that.

Now, Jesse Plemons plays a

man.

A man.

You know, he's a man.

He's a grown man.

A man.

A man who lives in the world.

In the world.

Why get more specific than that?

He puts on his pants every morning, just like everybody else.

Two legs at a time.

He walks out the door.

He's like, am I going to walk left?

Am I going to walk right?

He makes the decision eventually.

Maybe I'll walk straight.

Maybe I'll go forward.

Sure, hey, have you heard of a little thing called diagonally?

Yeah, but you better look both ways.

This is New York City.

Oh, New York.

New York.

Hey, I'm walking here.

Oh, wow.

Oh, I'm a taxi driver.

Okay, get me some coffee.

Brian De Palmer.

Oh, Martin Scorsese.

So he plays a real, a true New Yorker.

Yeah, just New York to the bone.

Yellow cabs, slices of pizza, skyscrapers.

Talking about the water all the time.

Water.

Empire State Building.

Empire State.

Oh, oh, Empire State Building.

Look at that up there.

What's that?

Hey, look, John Tutura, what are you doing?

Hey.

Oh, I'm in between film roles.

Oh, oh, I'm walking down the street.

Get the fuck out of my way.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

No, fuck you.

Get the fuck out of my face.

So, uh, that's all that we need to say about this film, right?

Yeah.

Jesse Plemons and Molly Shannon are a son and his mother, and she's

sick and dying, and he's taking care of her, and he's also has his own

kind of issues with his dad.

And it's a nice little dramedy written and directed by one of the funniest writers around.

For listeners of this show, people would be interested to know that he is the Jesse Plemence character interested in comedy.

It sort of mirrors Chris Kelly's career

shot at UCB, which was very kind of them.

And

I've seen this film as a connoisseur of film, of course, but

you know that I'm a big supporter of this film.

Yes.

Really, really enjoy it.

You did enjoy it.

Almost embarrassingly, you know?

Yes.

Where I sort of started seeing you in a different light.

Like, I always just thought of you as like some jerk-off who.

Like a dumb shit.

Yeah.

You know?

And then I was like, this guy lucked into the film of a lifetime.

Yeah.

This guy, this guy.

This guy, he doesn't know what he has here.

This guy, this guy, this guy here.

No, it's great.

It opened Sundance and

Sunday.

No, Sundance.

Sunday.

It opened Sunday.

No, the Sundance Film Festival.

What's that?

Sundance.

I don't know what that is.

The dance?

Oh, the dance.

Sorry.

Oh, yeah.

I've been to the dance.

I should use industry talk.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

I went to Sundance and it made

a lot of money there.

It made over $100 million.

So much money.

But it's a really great film.

I would implore everyone to see this.

And not because you have points on this necessarily, but, you know, I mean, at what point do your points kick in?

Like,

is it the net?

Is it the gross?

What are we talking?

The moment I start making a ton of money on this,

sometime in the next like 30 or 40 years.

Right, right.

Now, the overnight was a big hit for you, and you made a ton of money on.

And I credit that to the fact that you wanted to show your real penis in the film.

Yeah.

You know, because people had seen that prosthetic in Tell Me You Love Me.

And you were just like, I'm tired of people thinking that's my penis.

I'm going to see my real, my real tiny penis.

And boom, you have a big box off his hit.

Yeah.

There you go.

And then on September 23rd, I have.

this movie I'm in with Nick Kroll and Jenny Slate and My Blind Brother that's really good.

MBB.

And do you show your real penis in other people as well?

Do you just have one scene where you just walk in and go, hey, by the way?

Yeah, my penis.

See, I'm not a cast member of the movie, but I just thought, for the hell of it, let's just show my penis.

Almost like Hitchcock, you know, a little cameo.

A little cameo.

There's a lot of colours.

Except your cameo, I noticed it's about 45 minutes long.

It's a 45-minute long shot of Jetsey Plemons and Molly Shannon having this really heartbreaking scene.

She's sick and he's trying to help her.

And just in the upper left-hand corner of the screen is my penis.

Yeah, in like a little almost like porky pig style circle, just flapping away as much as it can actually flap, which is, you know.

And Chris, the writer-director, was upset.

Very.

Because you did this without telling him.

I did.

Right as it went to print.

Yeah, I put it in the final print of the movie.

I didn't tell Naomi to my wife either, who's producing the movie along with the writer.

You didn't tell anybody this it was meant to be sort of a surprise it was something i did just for me and uh one for them one for you yeah uh and there everyone involved with the film is very upset right but it's too late at this point yeah it's it was a bad move on my part right right right and gross and it uh it doesn't serve the film at all oh no i meant to say um

it's captivating it's all you can look at off tone for the movie definitely definitely but it's there so uh so check it out we all have to live with it.

Yep.

All right.

That opens this Friday, and My Blind Brother opens on the 23rd of this month as well.

Go out and see both of those.

Nick Kroll and Jenny Slate are terrific.

Uh-huh.

And by the way, Zach Woods is in Other People.

Oh, Zach Woods.

Did I not mention Zach Wood?

I don't believe you did.

He's great.

Yeah.

Zach Woods.

He has a name that's a place.

He's incredible.

Yeah.

Like, I wonder if Zach, can I just

get real here for a second?

All right.

Wait, is this an episode of Getting Real?

I think it's an episode of Getting Real.

Get Real.

Hey, everyone.

Welcome to Getting Real.

This is Scott, and this is Scott.

Listen, Scott.

Yeah.

Let's get real.

Let's drop the bullshit.

No more bullshit.

Yeah.

All right.

Just to get real here for a second.

Zach Woods, great guy.

Funny, funny ass.

Oh, sure.

That's a good idea.

Terrific.

Okay.

That being said,

the guy

has this last name that's like, oh, yeah, okay, dude.

Woods?

Yeah.

It's like,

what are you going to change your name to next?

Jerry Highway?

You know?

I know.

It's like, come on.

Come on, dude.

Like, Zach, hey, listen,

you want to take a walk?

Oh, yeah.

Just be sure not to veer off into the woods.

I mean, Jesus.

Yeah.

Oh, this has been getting real.

Getting real.

Good app.

Yeah, it was a great app.

Yeah.

That was probably our best app, I would say.

Oh, yeah.

By a long shot.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

All right, check out both of these things.

We're going to have to take a break.

Is that all right with you?

Yeah.

Okay, fine.

We will then.

Great.

Okay.

I don't know why you're mad at me.

Take the break.

I'm taking it.

You're the one who's preventing me from taking the break with your fucked up ass.

Did you know what we didn't even talk about?

How about this election?

I want to get to it.

Okay.

I want to get to it.

Who are you voting for, by the way?

Trump?

Of course.

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

We're going to get to it after the break.

We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, Scott Auckervan here, and we got Scott and Scott reunion.

People keep asking about you talking YouTube to me, and I thought the lovable lads, you know, they're up to something.

Yeah, what's going on with those?

I don't know.

They're playing live or something.

I don't know.

We'll see.

Now,

what are you on your phone, bro?

What's going on down there?

No.

I can see you tapping your phone.

No.

It's as plain as the eyes on your phone.

You know who I didn't mention in other people who's incredible is John Early.

Oh, yeah.

He's great.

John Early, people would know him in Wet Hot American Summer.

And the characters.

I think he's in neighbors, too.

I don't care.

All right, let's get to our next guest.

He is an entertainer.

Hmm, that's interesting.

Just like you, Adam.

I mean, some would say you're an entertainer.

Some.

Yeah.

Although I haven't taken any kind of polls, neither formal nor informal, regarding.

I've never been officially entertained by.

No, no, no, of course not.

Neither in conversation nor in your actual.

I'm going to put this in air quotes, work.

Yeah, you've made that very clear.

But he is an entertainer, and I hope to find him entertaining.

Please welcome Jack Sparks.

Hello.

Hey, how's it going?

It's going great.

My dad's pleasure.

Adam, how are you?

My name's Jack.

Jack Sparks.

That's right.

Jack Sparks.

It sounded like you were

first of all hesitating, and secondly.

Oh, is that just for effect?

Yeah, it's just to get you ready.

Make sure I got your attention.

It's an old trick I learned from magicians.

You want to direct the audience's attention right to where you want them to be paying attention.

And when I want them to pay attention to my name, I let you know.

Okay, so you put a little pause.

I mean, it seems like that's kind of what people do every day when they introduce them.

I think only magicians do it, and that's who I learned it from.

Okay, all right.

Why were you hanging around so many magicians?

Are you a magician?

I am not, but I am a master entertainer for hire,

known for being king of the second act.

King of the second act?

But if there's ever an entertainment entity that is divided up into acts, like an act break, you bring me on in the second act, and I take over.

Okay, so now I've seen plays.

Uh-huh.

Right.

Great.

Great example.

So if a play has more than one of the best.

Well, let's talk about a great play, like, I don't know, Angels in America.

Tony Kushner's Opus.

No, no, no, no,

no.

Death of a Salesman.

And even better, Arthur Miller

creating essentially the

epitome of American drama.

It's a terrific play.

Terrific play.

I love it.

This guy knows his land.

And he knows his plays.

And so it's got more than one act.

So you bring me out in the second of those acts.

I'll take over.

You take over.

What is it?

I'll just take over.

I just explode.

I really land it.

Whatever the purpose of the act is, I make sure that it lands.

I'll make it pop.

I'll make it shine and shimmer.

Okay.

With various entertainment strategies that I have learned, primarily from magicians.

Would you get on the stage with the actors and act with them?

That's right.

I'll tell tell you what.

Normally, yeah.

I don't want to hear about it.

I want to see a little bit of this.

So why don't Adam and I, because we know Death of a Salesman by heart, I would imagine.

Yeah, of course.

Why don't we?

Please do the second act.

The second act.

Don't do anything from the first act.

Of course not.

I don't want many of the famous scenes in the first act of death.

I don't want the croquet scene.

Okay.

I don't want the napkin sequence.

Oh, no, of course not.

Just second act.

What about where he turns on the sprinklers in the backyard?

Third act.

That's third act.

We've got to do second act salesman.

Okay.

Okay, second act salesman.

And now I'm going to come on in the middle of it and really make it land.

All right, here we go.

All right.

I'm going to give you a lights up so we'll know when the lights are up.

That's very pro.

Okay.

Wait, are you coming on stage left?

I appreciate that you're miming this part of the yes.

I'm going to be stage left.

Stage left.

Okay.

Yeah.

You could either follow me on stage left or meet me from stage right.

Okay.

And are you Willie

or am I Willie?

Who's Willie?

Willie Loman.

Oh, wait, Bill.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Bill.

Okay, you're, you're, you're Willie, Bill.

and uh I'm uh his son, Robert.

Okay, okay, here we go.

Hey, Bill.

Robert,

I have to say, you are such a good salesman.

I would hate it if something terrible were to ever happen to you.

Robert,

the death

of a salesman is something everyone would feel.

Everyone in this family, that is.

I would even say people outside the family would at least hear about it.

Friends of ours, yes.

Acquaintances, friends, sure.

Those are names for the people we know.

Even extended family, because I was assuming you were referring earlier to immediate family.

Certainly, I was.

Your assumption is true.

Thank you.

What are you doing today?

Oh, I figure I might, you know, just kind of chill out on the couch.

What are you doing?

I'm going to walk from door to door and try and sell all of these bags.

I've noticed that you're selling plastic bags now?

Plastic, paper, and crocheted bags.

Right.

And have you sold one yet?

I've sold zero bags.

Because

the American dream is dead.

Also, we live in a town that manufactures bags.

They're all over the place.

People, everyone in this town, works at the bag factory, and they all take bags home for free.

There is no shortage of bags, father.

There are bags everywhere.

Everywhere I look.

Bags.

Bags.

Bags.

I go to work.

Bags.

I come home.

Bags.

Father, what do you dream of?

And seen.

Okay.

Jack?

Jack is at.

Yeah.

I'm slipping out of character, by the way, right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the the end.

That's the end.

That was the end.

That was the end.

Yeah.

There you go.

You're welcome.

I really helped

make.

See, my job is to make it land.

I was like,

that's going great.

I don't need to get involved.

A lot of times what I do to help out the second acts, I mean, if everything's fine, I'll just come on and say scene.

Okay, when I think it should wrap up.

So you're almost like the director or like the lighting operator?

No, no.

I'll do whatever it takes.

Okay.

I'm going to go to, to, I'll stop at nothing to make a second act land.

Give us an example of this because I don't know that we really got one.

I just, yeah, I did it.

Yeah, I was like, this is great.

And I just, you know, I was like, I love it.

You know, there's nothing here I can do to help.

What is an example of some of your previous work?

All right.

Woodstock 99.

Oh, I love that.

My favorite Woodstock.

I come out in the middle of Sugar Ray's

previously unknown set

right after they do Every Morning and I go scene.

Wait, is that and how did that help them?

Well, who knows if they're going to keep going because they had reached a great end point of their song and if they try to morph into a jam-band phase, Sugar Ray is going to lose the audience.

And

Call Jack Sparks watch.

Yeah, they're a singles band.

They can only do...

They shouldn't be trying to add anything extra on the end.

And I'm there to make sure that doesn't happen.

So do you think if you didn't go on and say scene after they played every morning, they would have kept going.

They reached the end of that song.

They would have kept going.

They packed up the equipment.

I walked out and said scene.

They had already.

Yeah.

They were off the stage, practically.

Well, who knows?

To me, it felt like

they were there.

It felt to me like they were about to get back on.

And do you make a living doing this?

No.

I do not.

I have not...

at this moment been paid for my services

or invited to do them.

But a lot of times, okay, Book a Mormon, second act.

Right at the end of it, I got up on stage after everybody had left and it's dark and I said, scene.

How did you do time or were you doing that every time?

Just one time.

How did you get there?

After that, the security guards were alerted and told me that my services were not needed.

Okay, so you just walked up from the audience and did that.

Yeah, that's right.

How did you get tickets?

That's a tough ticket to get.

I snuck in through the sewers.

The sewers?

Sewers.

Yeah.

The sewers that connect all the Broadway theaters.

Were they have the same sewer?

So like Hamilton takes shit right now.

Oh, yeah.

And Hamilton takes his shit.

Oh yeah.

This is a huge exchange of talent in New York City.

Hamilton takes his shit right into the same pipe that

Martin McDonough's recent Jetsons play does.

Oh my gosh.

Martin McDonough's Jetsons, I heard.

Martin McDonough's doing a new Jetsons play.

His take on the Jetsons.

Yeah.

Oh, it's great.

It takes place in Ireland and everybody is like swearing and then Rosie comes out and murders Roy Boy.

And do they still have like the oven where you put a pail in and it makes a pizza kind of thing?

Oh, yeah.

That's a huge part of the second act,

which I watched.

You watched, and did you participate?

I did.

I walked up in the middle.

This one, I walked up, I got involved in this one.

I was more proactive in the Martin McDonough Jetsons.

I walked up in the middle of it and said scene, and I was ignored, which helped.

Helped them?

Helped.

I think we had opposite ends in this question.

But we said it with the exact same thing.

No, it helped the play.

I helped the play.

It made sure the play lands.

I see, I I just want stuff to land.

Well, wait, wait, wait.

When you did that, it did Martin McDonough's Jetsons.

Yeah, second act.

What happened?

The pill comes out of the oven.

It's a pizza.

Jane is like, oh,

I can't believe it.

That pizza's so big.

This is vaguely racist.

And I went, see,

racist towards Irish?

Oh, is that what you're doing?

Yes.

Okay, well,

you might want to help make that land.

That was a perfect Irish accent.

Have you been to Ireland?

No, I have not.

Recently.

I have.

I have.

Recently?

Seven years ago?

They switched it up.

Oh, okay.

They switched up accent.

A new accent?

When they entered the European Union, they had to change the accent.

Oh, okay.

They wanted to do

racist Chinese

instead.

And that happened in the last seven years.

Like five years ago, yeah.

Must be a Brexit thing.

No, Brexit.

Well,

once Britain leaves the European Union, they have to give up their accent.

Oh, so they all have to to take dialect classes?

Yep.

Even the children?

Yes.

So speech teachers are going to be like hugely

millionaires.

People say.

Millionaires.

Oh, they're going to make like millions of dollars.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Hey, is this anything?

Brexit Ralph.

Is that something?

Oh, okay.

Wait, I got you.

Like, Racket Ralph.

Like, Rickett Ralph.

Yeah.

The movie.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The movie?

The film.

Yeah, the movie.

Yeah, the animated flick.

Okay, the one that came out and people went and saw it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Certain people saw it.

Certain people saw it.

How about a Brexit an effect?

Is that something?

That's something.

Like Rex an effect?

Oh, no, I wasn't thinking of that.

Oh, what were you thinking of?

Just like the effect.

Just upon Brexit.

Yeah, just an economist piece.

Right.

Okay.

How about emergency Brexit?

Is that something?

That's in the area of something, definitely.

Okay, okay.

Okay, good.

So, um.

Yeah, so I was in the shit sewer of Hamilton.

I swim over to the to the Jetsons.

I hop up on sta.

Yes.

Do you have any kind of gear?

Are you wearing like a scuba suit or something?

No, I try to go just in my Union suit.

Just one single long underwear with buttons from the neck all the way down to the right ankle.

A Union suit.

Like a long underwear.

Does it have like a Union jack on the front of it?

Yep.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's also Confederate suits, which obviously are out of fashion.

Very expensive, obviously.

Yeah, no one's in favor of that.

But you wear a good Union jack, which is what the Union Army wore in the Civil War.

And I swim to the sewers of Hamilton over to McDonough's theater, hop up on the stage.

I said scene.

I was rushed off.

Because of what you did, or because of the fact you had so much feces clinging to yourself?

Yeah, I don't think anybody heard me.

It was, long before I even opened my mouth, there was movement towards me.

I would imagine you looked crazy and smelled terrible.

Yes.

That's a terrible combination.

But in the future, who knows that maybe everyone doesn't look like that?

This is the Jetsons.

We don't know.

Nothing had been established about whether people wear feces

armor or not.

That's true.

That question is never answered in most plays.

And I always assume if it's not explicitly answered, that anybody not seen on the stage is wearing feces

in any play.

Right.

How did you...

Okay.

Yeah.

How did you get interested in entertainment in the entertainment field?

I was raised by two magicians.

Okay.

Oh, well.

So that's where all the magician stuff comes from.

No.

Uninvolved with that.

I later left them in anger, befriended non-magicians explicitly.

I vetted aggressively whether they were magicians or not.

I would ask, I would give them a coin and be like, do something with this.

And if they started to be like, and if they went into like, and if it disappeared, how much money did you lose by magicians stealing your coins?

$1,300.

Really?

Yeah.

What kind of coin?

You did the test often, I guess.

Yes.

I did a couple times.

A quarter at a time or?

A couple quarters, silver dollar.

Yeah.

Susan B.

Anthony Dollar.

There's a lot of magicians you're running into.

Well, I had to make sure.

Sometimes in crowds, I would test everybody.

Right.

Anyway, so I was friends with exclusively non-magicians.

Got it.

Is that why you walked in here with a giant bag of coins?

Yeah, that's right.

That is maybe the biggest bag of coins.

This one right here?

Bill Loman would be jealous of that bag.

I mean, I feel like that.

How much does that weigh?

Let me see.

Here, just hold it.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

God, check this out.

Okay, I'm trying to, but the bag's in front of you.

Okay.

Oh, wait, are you talking about the bag?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

What were you thinking?

I don't know.

I thought he says, check this out.

I assume he's something behind the bag.

Wait, super quick.

Use the bag.

Oh, my God.

This is a heavy bag.

Now, do something with one of those coins.

Do something with it?

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know.

Something like.

Oh, all right.

Forget about it.

Forget about it.

I can't deal.

Sorry.

I know a little bit of magic.

Thank you very much.

I'll take that bag back.

All right.

Yes, pretty much.

I mean, that's got to be like 75 pounds.

Yeah.

In American currency, that's probably around $100.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's 75 pounds worth of coins.

Check out my delts.

Yeah.

I didn't want to say anything, but those were the first things I noticed when you walked in.

Most of my body is a gelatinous mass, but I got these two rock hard smooth delts just for hauling around coins.

It's like you got Popeye's arms or something.

Yeah, but me on your delts spinach lately?

Yeah, all the time.

With your delts?

So,

Feces suits should come back into fashion.

Okay, yeah, no, we've talked about this, but

we didn't get past

microphone.

I'm friends with all non-magicians.

But you know, it's in life when you try to avoid something,

life has a way of

making you face it.

One of my favorite actors once said it best when he said,

These other people keep trying to

pull

a person like me back in.

I was away

and then I had quit and then these other people

not of my own volition

had to be yanked in the opposite direction that I wanted to go to point one.

Not my decision.

I wanted to take the emergency Brexit.

Okay, you're really trying to shove back.

You're really trying to shove emergency Brexit down our throats at this point.

I feel like if we get Emergency Brexit really going and going strong, you can't just do Pacino doing Emergency Brexit and make it stick.

Well, we'll see when this episode comes out.

Okay, all right.

So the

eggs Brexitent?

Eggs?

Brexed?

Brexit?

Like Brexit?

Brexedick?

Eggs.

Eggs Brexedick.

Eggs for Brexit.

Fast.

Brexit cereal.

I'd like

Brexit.

Lego my Brexit?

That's definitely something.

There's something.

That's definitely definitely something.

You should work that into your act, whatever that is.

I'll do whatever.

First of all, I do anything.

I'll do anything it takes to land the second act.

So it sounds to me, Jack.

Thank you.

Like you.

What?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Yeah, because I sent you to my name right when I met you, and I'm glad that you're using it.

Well, Jack is a very easy name to remember.

Thank you.

It's his favorite thing to do.

Remembering Jack.

Well, just that name in particular.

Well, it's fun to remember.

Jacking Jacking is your favorite thing.

I love to jack.

Like cars?

Never mind.

Like you jack cars?

No, like you put a jack beneath a car.

Scott is talking about like masturbating.

Like he's making a joke about me masturbating and how much I love it.

Because I do.

I love to masturbate.

It's not really a joke.

I was just merely pointing out.

It's just a fact.

It's something I love.

And you just call that jacking.

Jokes now?

What?

Are facts jokes now?

You know?

I guess so.

I guess people are laughing at facts.

Here's a fun joke.

There's about 300 million people in America.

Okay.

Here's another joke.

When I walked in to the studio today, I had just finished masturbating in my car.

Ah, that is a good joke.

That is a good joke.

I wondered why the valet had such a strange look on his face.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Here's a fun joke.

So, yeah.

Here's a fun joke.

I once ate a

brick.

A brick?

What?

Yeah.

Now, what?

Stone brick.

A stone.

What?

A stone brick?

Why would you do something like that?

I was escaping.

Oh, you were in a prison?

I was in a wall room made of bricks.

And how by eating one brick were you able to escape?

No, but I made my point that I was going to get out of there eventually.

And so I just let you out?

Yeah.

They were like, this is

going.

This guy's nuts.

We don't want to see him eating

hundreds of bricks.

I think they were just more intimidated.

They were just like, clearly.

We can't.

You did this?

And I said, yes.

And they were like, get out of here.

Can you take me to a hospital or let me out and I'll just go to one.

Yep.

And that's what I did.

Jack, so it seems like your act is essentially

whatever it takes to enhance an existing work.

But you don't do anything yourself?

Depends what it needs.

Right.

Well, I have to say that this is sort of the second act of our program here, and you have enhanced it greatly.

I guess so.

Thank you.

Do you mind giving us a little of your specialty?

Because we have to go to a break.

Yeah.

Maybe you could give us a little bit before we do that.

Okay, so this is Jack Sparks showing us his specialty of

making a second act land.

And scene.

Wait.

That was it.

Yeah.

Okay, so it's the same as what you did before for the death of a sailor.

I mean, it's whatever it takes.

It's whatever it takes.

It's not necessarily the same thing.

Would it have been more effective?

So far, all you've done is that.

That you've seen, yes.

Would it have been more effective if we actually had gone to break when you said and seen?

Not necessarily.

In my experience, that never happens.

Okay.

There's always some questioning.

Yeah, there's always a follow-up.

At the very least, no one's dragging you away right now in a feces covered suit.

I know.

This to me is a win.

Okay.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here.

Adam Scott

is

chomping down on one of his favorite snacks, aka pretzels.

And

yep, definitely doing the dog pound as he tries to get through that last pretzel.

And we also have Jack Sparks, who's an erstwhile entertainer of sorts.

King of the second act.

King of the second act.

And now you're in the third act.

I'm off the clock.

Okay, good.

Now you can just relax.

Oh, thank God.

Okay, well, we have another guest here that I'm very excited to get to.

You know, Adam, you said you wanted to talk about politics and

the election.

The election coming up.

And we have a politician here.

So, very excited to talk to the politician.

Please welcome this is your boy.

This is your boy, Troy.

This is your boy, Troy.

What's up, everybody?

This is your boy, Troy.

Hi.

Where are my Wildcats at?

Wildcats?

Yeah, that's the mascot of my high school.

Oh, okay.

What high school do you go to?

McKernan High School.

McKernan, where my Wildcats at?

I don't, let me check.

Jack, are you a Wildcat?

I sure am.

You are?

You are.

Go Wildcats.

That's right, Jack.

And away go.

Yeah, yeah, years ago.

Years ago.

Nice.

Wait, you guys went to the same high school?

I mean, yeah, not at the same time.

I'm there now.

Yeah, yeah.

I was there like 15.

Did you carve your name on the wall?

Yes, what?

Did you carve your name on the wall?

Sure did.

Hey, am I a wildcat?

You sure are.

Carve my name like everybody does.

Every McKernan Wildcat carves their name on the wall.

Wow.

Yeah.

Is that like a school tradition?

That's right.

And do people want you to do that, or is that something they look down upon?

Oh, no.

It's a great way to encourage Wildcat spirit.

Oh, okay.

Keep your name on the wall.

All right.

Have you carved your your name, or is it something you do on your last day?

You do it on your way out.

You do it on your Brexit.

Okay, right.

When you're making your way to the Brexit.

Right.

That's right.

Casino once said.

That's right.

Yeah.

And how old are you?

I guess I imagined you were going to be an older person, a politician of sorts.

I am a politician.

You know, Scott, all a politician has to be is someone who wants to do good for the people, right?

But I am 17 years old.

You're 17 years old.

That's right.

And you go to McKernon High School.

McKernon High School.

Go Wildcats.

Go, of course.

It's your boy Troy.

It's your boy Troy.

Do I call you It's Your Boy Troy?

If you would, if you could.

I both would and could.

Great, thank you.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm Ryan for senior class president.

Senior class president.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you.

I remember a friend of mine did that in high school.

And what are the responsibilities when you become senior class president?

Well, normally people care about like prom or, you know, doing the yearbook at the end of the year.

Does prom stand for something?

I've always short for promenade.

Promenade.

That's right.

It means you're promenading.

Okay.

Like promenading down the street.

That's right.

Yeah.

Like sort of like gallivanting?

Yeah.

Well, you know, it's just the first time that maybe you put someone on your arm and you promenade together.

You can't promenade by yourself.

That's why prom is a date-based event.

Oh, that's right.

Now, do people go, I've heard of something called STAD.

Yeah.

You can go stagg to prom, but you are no longer promenading.

Okay.

You're just.

You are sort of an anti-prom black hole at prom if you go by yourself.

Not to just put further social pressure on prom.

But yeah, that's normally what presidents care about.

I am running on a slightly different platform.

I'm looking more for the long game, Scott.

Oh, okay.

I'm running on the buddy system platform.

I want every McKernon Wildcat to have a permanent buddy for life because I really don't want any of us to die alone and turn into weird tiny mummies.

Wow.

Okay.

Die alone.

Yeah.

And turn into.

Okay, I understand that you don't want people to die alone.

That's what I mean.

Who wants to die alone?

I don't want that for any of my wildcats.

Some would say we all die alone.

Yeah, I mean, whether you're married or not.

Unless you die at the exact split second

that your wife or partner does.

But even so, you're still in your own sort of

body by yourself.

You leave your mortal coil by yourself.

Some would say shuffle it off.

You shuffle it off.

Second act of Hamlet.

True.

That's what I'm saying.

The second act of Hamlet.

I thought you were off the clock.

I'm just, hey, the mind's always working.

I'm looking for something.

It's hard to be off the clock when you have a mind like yours.

Just for that, for that one quote, we were back in the second act, but now we're out.

Okay, good.

Thank you for enhancing that one moment of a second act.

Appreciate it.

Of this third act.

So when people die, they shuffle off.

They shuffle off, yeah.

They then go to, where do you believe people go when they die?

If anywhere.

I think we all return to like a glowing orb and we work on projects.

Okay, that makes sense.

I've heard of that.

Yeah, what kind of pro like school projects sort of stuff?

Like you can like design your own projects and you can have like team leaders and stuff.

Project managers.

Yeah, yeah, project managers.

And like they can be any kind of projects, you know, kind of like

being an Eagle Scout or something.

You might like make a garden or like, you know, build some shelves for your school library or something.

I have many projects that I'm putting off until I'm in the orb.

That's a good idea, yeah.

Because some of those projects will probably only be possible when you're like working with people from all times in space.

Well, I don't want to have everything done.

I want something to do when I get to the

tournament.

It's a turn.

You want to leave some stuff.

You leave some stuff.

Yeah, that's why I haven't watched The Wire.

Yeah.

I'm leaving that.

That's your project.

Yeah, that's going to be one of my projects.

That's going to take, I mean, approximately...

Most of forever.

Yeah, 50 hours.

I'm going to have to rewatch because every time I try the pilot, I'm like, this is too dense.

Yeah.

Sure.

But yeah, so yeah, you can die alone, but I'm talking about like, you know, those sad people like in New York City apartments where there's a smell and then they find them amongst a bunch of newspapers.

Oh, that's what you mean when you say that.

And they're tiny mummies.

Tiny mummies.

Yeah, they've been like mummified in their own house.

Yeah.

Like, I just don't want...

When I sit in my chemistry class and I look at my friends, my fellow wildcats, and I think these are names on the walls, these are friends I promenaded with.

I can't imagine any of them being tiny mummies.

My greatest fear is dying as a tiny mummy.

Thank you.

Or not dying and then becoming a little tiny mummy.

Does they become mummified just in like their own juices?

That's right, yeah.

Yeah.

Imagine like

just your clothes and filth becoming what King Tut would use on like his bandages.

Like even on their face, they're not going to be

liquefy and they're just like really tiny, gross mummies.

Your face would tend to liquefy,

unless you were wearing like a ski mask when you die.

I don't know what the ratio, the statistics show of how many people wear ski masks.

You know what, Scott, I'm going to add that to my.

That's going to be a plank in my platform now.

It's like if you don't have a buddy or your buddy moves too far away to check up on you, at least go to sleep in a sleep mask so that your face won't turn into liquid when you become a tiny mummy.

So why are you so obsessed with this topic?

What happened?

Did you read an article or?

Did you ever see like a mummy exhibit, Scott?

Meaning at the museum, like the Museum of Natural History or something like that?

Did you ever see mummies?

I've seen

one or two.

Did you ever see the movie The Mummy?

The Mummy.

Are we talking with Fraser?

That's right.

Whites?

Oh, yes, white.

I thought you were saying something else.

Rachel White.

Rachel Weiss.

Whites.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.

I thought you were just saying whites for some reason.

There's some, no, no, no.

Okay, no.

We want to reassure the listeners.

No, I was not saying that.

I was just.

You were coming up with another actor.

That's right.

Okay.

Yes, I have seen that film.

The Rock was in The Mummy 2, I believe.

Yeah, or 3?

No, the Scorpion King.

Oh, you're right.

You're right.

Red at the end of 2 and then 3.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right.

It was The Villain in Two, and then they had a spin-off film called The Scorpion King.

That was more like a prequel, right?

Like explaining why he became a villain.

I think you're right.

It's the opposite of a sequel, which happens after the film.

This happens before.

I only saw the non-CGI version.

They released a non-CGI version of the Mummy movie.

What was that?

Literally boring.

Yeah.

It was short.

It was like 15 minutes long.

But more moving.

And yes, I did cry.

Okay.

Whoa.

I would imagine you get a real appreciation for actors who have to work with CG.

Yep.

Yeah.

What do you call call it CG?

CG.

It saves time.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

I get so when people say CG and I can see them going into the eye and I'm like, oh, stop wasting my time.

No, what you're doing.

Time is so precious.

Time is money.

You are not in the industry.

Yeah.

I'm like, oof.

So you saw the mummy?

I saw the mummy.

It's your boy Troy, and you.

I just, I couldn't unsee it, you know?

Those little bugs getting under people's skin and eating them.

And so I just like.

What's that part?

You know, like, there's those.

no you saw the different version

what happens oh uh well gosh uh there's these um these bugs i think they're called uh scare scarabs scarabs yeah yeah and they um they can get under your skin and they just eat you from within oh it's like that happens yeah yeah yeah it's you know the scene you know the scene uh where frasier brendan frasier and whites uh and whites are there and they say hey look out yeah It happens right after that.

Oh, because otherwise I was like, what is this scene for?

It sounds like, Jack, it sounds like you really enjoyed the non-CG version.

Yeah.

Why not just, you know, we could get you a copy of the CG version.

We have connections.

I don't know.

I don't know.

Like, honestly, I wish I could have seen the non-CG version because then I wouldn't have this.

Scarab phobia.

Yeah, scarab phobia, mummy phobia.

But I love ancient Egypt otherwise.

Oh, really?

What do you think?

Other than mummies?

All the other parts?

All the other parts.

Like, what do you love about it?

Papyrus, mostly, hieroglyphics.

Sure, yeah.

Sand.

Sand.

Do you like pyramids?

Have you ever been to the beach?

Oh, yeah.

Wait.

Do you think I could go to the beach and like pretend I was in Egypt?

Yeah, you probably could.

Oh, my God.

You had a better time.

Yeah,

pyramids are cool, but they do house mummies, so that's like right on the line for me.

Yeah, although, you know, there are a lot of things that house things you're probably scared of.

Like, what else are you scared of?

Let's see.

Well,

I'm scared of small biplanes crashing.

Small biplanes, Egyptian desert.

Okay, well, you know, there is an airplane hangar that houses these biplanes.

Oh, yeah, I don't like that.

But also in Egypt, so they would be near the mummies.

So it's like, you're probably just scared of the mummies.

Yeah, well, I haven't taken a lot of time to parse it out.

I might write my college essay about my fears all based in the mummy, but I haven't decided yet.

Still trying to work on what my safety and target schools are.

You're not trying to go to a college in Egypt, are you?

No, God, no.

Although, I like would want to study abroad there just to touch it, but then get out.

Papyrus.

Yeah, papyrus, hieroglyphics, sort of pyramids.

Yeah, so you saw this one film.

Yeah.

And you became terrified of people dying alone and becoming mummies.

That is the modern-day mummy.

I mean,

we don't put our organs in canopic jars anymore.

We like, we

are.

You put your organs.

I have done it, yes.

Which org?

Other people's organs, do you?

I put my gallbladder into a mason jar of preserving fluid as a good luck charm.

Okay.

Where do you take it?

Don't you need that?

Right by my bed.

Yeah.

Why did you have your gallbladder out?

Why didn't you take out

your appendix or or something?

It was a trick back when I was with the magicians.

Oh.

I was like, watch this.

And I reached, I sliced open my gut, reached in, and yanked out my gallbladder.

No, it's not a magic trick.

There's just like a razor blade sitting on this table.

Could you stop it?

Yeah, here, let me blow on it.

Oh, yeah.

Could you sterilize this?

Yeah, here we go.

Okay, great.

Oh, my God.

That is up.

No, it's stupid.

It's already gone.

It's already gone.

I can't do it again.

You were trying for your gallbladder?

I thought you were just going to go for a different organ.

Oh, it's so disgusting.

But you did prove that there is no gallbladder.

What's this?

What's this?

That's your spleen.

Okay, I need to need that.

That's not magic.

Yeah, put it to this.

Oh, wait.

Oh, that's a bunch of rubble from a brick or something.

Oh, all right.

Oh, gosh.

You know what?

Hey, Jack, do you have a buddy?

Because

I know you graduated 20 years ago from a country.

I mean, when I was a wildcat, I had a buddy, but once I graduated, that wasn't.

Well, that's what I'm trying to change, is that the buddy system is forever.

Because I'm a little worried that you might become a tiny mummy.

I am too.

I'm worried about it.

And part of your platform is you don't want anyone in the middle of the moment.

You want past or future or present.

That's right.

Oh, I would love to have a buddy.

That would change a lot.

Also, I sleep by a vat of preserving fluid.

Jack, buddy, you are walking into becoming a tiny mummy.

You're fumes a hairbreadth away from becoming a mummy.

I don't think so.

I'm all right.

I wrap myself up in bandages.

Oh, no, no.

You're like,

you're pre-mummying, right?

I need to be swaddled.

No.

I can't sleep unless I'm swaddled in bandages.

Let me ask you another question.

What shape is your apartment building?

I mean, it's, I don't know how.

It's wide at the top, and then it tapers down.

It tapers down?

Oh, okay.

The top point is in an upside-down point.

Oh, the top comes to a point.

Oh, the top comes to a point.

Yeah, the top comes to a point.

Sounded like you were describing a reverse pyramid for a second.

My room is the shape of,

it's kind of like shoulders, and then it tapers down.

That's my room.

Is that like a Sphinx?

It's like

shoulders?

The top of it.

My room is an odd shape.

Okay.

It's very snug around me.

It's like it's box-sized.

I see.

Can you liken it to something like the Luxor?

My building is very Luxor-shaped.

But your room is like a sarcophagus?

Yes, that's right.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

It sounds like a coffin.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Okay, Jack.

But the building is Luxor-shaped.

Listen, I already have 10 buddies because I have to set a good example, but I will take you on as my 11th buddy.

Oh, my God.

I just can't.

Nice.

You're just.

Your boy Troy.

I appreciate that.

It's your boy Troy's guy.

This is your boy, Troy.

It's your boy Troy.

It's your boy Troy.

It's your boy Troy.

It's your boy Troy.

I appreciate it.

Just making sure, because I honestly.

This is your boy Troy.

This is your boy Troy.

It's your boy Troy.

Guys, everywhere you look is your boy Troy.

If you need him, that's why you should vote for me.

Okay.

I'm going to send in my alumni voting ballot to vote for you.

Oh, I didn't know all alumni get to.

But Kernan is a very different type of school.

All alumni are allowed to vote in the class election.

Wow.

What is the sort of how do you become a buddy?

What do you have to do?

What are your responsibilities?

Great.

So if elected,

I will,

everyone fills out a very extensive questionnaire about their skills, their strengths, their weaknesses.

And you should think of it as like the yin to your yang will be your buddy.

So it's not necessarily going to be a best friend.

It might not be like the person you want to promenade with.

Sure.

But it will be the person who's like the opposite of you in a good way.

So if you start to become a recluse, maybe you're paired with a really outgoing person who's like, get out of here.

You're about to become a mummy.

So say I'm filling out this form.

Yeah.

And my strength is I'm a hard worker.

And my weakness is sometimes I work too hard.

Great.

Okay.

So, wow.

You sound like a real perfect guy, Scott.

Whoa, good.

Whew, that was a

really inspiring personal assessment.

Okay.

Well, I don't know.

That's just my life.

I'd probably pair you with someone who's lazy, but knows how to appreciate life.

Oh, okay.

So we balance it.

Maybe someone like it's your boy Troy, honestly.

Yeah.

Okay.

I might take you on as breakfast.

Are you lazy?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Despite.

Sounds like you're a go-getter.

You have 11 buddies.

Yeah, but I sleep so late.

My mom's always like, Troy.

It's your boy Troy's breakfast is getting cold.

Okay, okay.

My mom makes me waffles every morning.

Shout out to my mom.

Love to my mom.

Sure.

Shout out to your mom.

Do you want to give a shout out at all, Adam?

Yeah, I'd like to shout out to It's Your Boy Troy's mom.

Sounds great.

I mean,

waffles every morning.

Not healthy, but shows dedication and love.

Yeah.

And Jack, do you want to give any shout-outs?

Shout-out to Waffles.

Just waffles.

Shout out to Waffles as an entity.

Jack, it has to be a person.

It has to be a person.

Yeah.

What's that?

You need more people in your life, Jack.

Please shout out.

Whoever invented waffles, Dr.

Waffle, shout out.

Sorry, making that.

That's a

somebody else?

That's a true cop-out.

Okay, so somebody that actually knows an acquaintance of yours.

Not just the idea of somebody.

Okay, shout-out to

your boy Troy's mom.

Okay, well,

she deserves it.

Adam did that already.

Kind of a copycat shout-out.

Okay, okay.

Shout-out to the Statue of Liberty.

Not a person.

I mean, in the form of a person.

Like a live person.

Yeah.

Okay.

Shout out to Molly Ringwald.

Are you friends with Molly Ringwald?

No, but I think she does great.

Okay.

I'll take it.

I'll take it.

She is great.

Yeah.

She does great.

Like in her life.

All right.

Okay.

I saw her in a play in the Upper East Side.

Oh, really?

Yep.

And can I ask, did you happen to?

I wanted to jump up there, but it was a one-act play.

Oh, that's too bad.

Yep.

Why would you even go to a one-act play?

The publicity was not clear.

Okay, it said

there may be two acts in the city.

Well, they said an unspecified number of acts.

Okay.

So what do you have to do when you have a buddy?

Do you hang out with them 24-7?

No, no, no.

So you get to know them in high school, and then, you know, you do basically like a bi-weekly checkup.

Twice a week or once every two weeks?

Once Once every two weeks.

Okay, what is that?

Bi-monthly, I guess.

Yeah.

Bi-monthly, yeah.

So you just check up, make sure they're not getting mummified, make sure they're not like they leave their house, they're not just post-maybe.

In person, or is this a

you know, because you know, over the years, McKernan grads, they go far, you know, so we're not all just like that.

Yeah, you're not asking people to just stay.

No, no, no, just tabs.

I want tabs on every single person who's ever gone to my high school.

You're not a private investigator.

What if you don't have time to do it yourself, but you hire a private investigator?

You can outsource your buddy ship.

You know, if you get really busy in your 30s, your 40s, you got stuff going on.

But as long as you haven't forgotten about your business,

you don't have as much stuff going on, probably.

That's like you're just about to retire.

She's probably returning to the buddydom a little harder at that point because it's like getting more real.

But yeah, you know, I just like, I don't want any single person who's written their name on that wall to suffer the fate of becoming a tiny, tiny mummy.

What about when people get married?

I mean, the ultimate buddy.

Well, I don't know.

As you guys mentioned, we still die alone.

And isn't it better to have a worksheet assigned buddy that you've had since you were 17 and some person you backup buddy yeah it's just a backup buddy a bbb a bbb yeah bbbs

so what now uh uh uh uh uh uh i guess my question is is what if these people don't like each other oh sure uh what is the incentivize you know how do you incentivize this yeah so then this is what i would say is like hey uh you better you better like buddy them into liking you you know okay yeah just like force it so yeah almost like a bullying or like use use use that sort of, you know, vengeance can be a great motivator in life.

So, like, I want to show you.

It's best served cold.

That's right.

Serve it nice and icy.

Just like you want to show your buddy, you don't need them when they check up on you.

I got friends.

Get out of here, buddy.

But you still have to talk for like three seconds.

Got it.

Well, give me a little example of this.

Like, you're Jack's buddy here.

I'm going to be Jack's buddy.

Hey, how's it going?

Hey, Jack.

You look a little pale.

Have you been outside your house in the last two weeks?

No, I have not.

Okay, Jack, I'm going to send over a task rabbit right now to open your door and walk you around the block.

Great.

You're going to send over a what now?

A task rabbit.

What's a task rabbit?

Yeah, it's an app where you can have people do tasks for you.

Oh, I just have rabbits.

Oh, how many rabbits do you have?

Currently?

Yeah.

17.

How about in the past?

Total, my lifetime?

Yeah, lifetime.

Let me check

20 years.

502.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Now, Jack, is this tied to your magician upbringing?

Yes.

Okay, well, I know.

Do they keep disappearing?

Yes.

And not when I want them to.

All right, listen, I I know that can really be a trigger for you.

I need you to put less time into your rabbits and more time into getting some vitamin D and talking with humans.

Come on, Jack.

Oh, I love the rabbits.

Jack?

They do things for me.

They are task rabbits.

All right, Jack, I want you to imagine that your whole apartment is a magician, and you got to get away from it for a bit.

Yeah, this whole apartment, sarcophagus inside a pyramid.

I got to wrap myself up in some bandages and head out from my own apartment.

No, no, no.

I want you to get away from it so hard that you're outside of your apartment.

I'm going to bury myself deep down in my apartment.

Oh, no, Jack.

Jack, I want you to bury yourself so hard that you go into the sewers, swim past the Hamilton poop, and pop back up in like a park and at least sit on a bench for three minutes.

All right.

I'll see.

For a fellow Wildcat, I'll do it.

Oh, amazing.

Thank you.

A buddy can't give up, you know?

Yeah, that was a what a demonstration.

Are you going to do this, Jack?

And scene.

Oh, Jack.

What?

Were you just playing with me?

No, I just got inspired.

I wanted to help you.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah, that really.

Wow.

You're up the clock, but you're.

I really felt like that landed.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Wow.

Well, this is inspiring.

This is your boy Troy.

It's your boy Troy.

It's your boy Troy.

Either one.

Okay.

You'll answer to either it's your boy Troy or there's your boy Troy.

This is your boy Troy.

It's your boy Troy.

You know, this is your boy Troy.

It's your boy Troy.

There's your boy.

So if you're in a crowd and I shout, there's your boy.

This is your boy Troy.

I'm going to say, oh, Jack, you're outside.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah.

Or if I go, it's your boy Troy, you'll also answer.

I'll say, hey, Jack, you're outside.

I'm so proud of you.

But if somebody named Troy is announcing themselves to their friends in proximity to you, you might accidentally pay attention to them.

I might accidentally pay attention to them.

You know what?

That's okay.

We all live through faux pas every day.

And it's your boy Troy.

What do you hope that someone like Jack here can do for you?

You know?

Well, you know, like, you know, life has many peaks and valleys.

So far, my whole life has been a peak.

The earth has a lot of peaks and valleys.

That's true.

Yeah.

That's no joke.

So I just, you know, I just hope hope the same would be there for some reason.

Do you see some valleys approaching?

I don't.

I have a great family, a lot of friends.

I do well in school and I'm well-liked, but there might be.

A lot of white privilege.

Yeah.

Currently, yeah.

White.

I'm sorry.

I meant white privilege.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I am

Rachel White.

Yes.

You have a life just a lot like hers.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Ooh, gosh.

She was so good in the Constant Gardener.

All right.

Well, we're just about out of time.

We just have time for one last thing here.

That's a little something called plugs.

See them on the TV and the silver screen.

What does that even mean?

Just look up their address and send them some cash.

Or just watch their Twitter feeds.

Oh, very nice.

Nice and short, too.

That was Astron O'Noodle with blue plugs.

It's outstanding.

Yeah.

The technology that people have is incredible.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, it's also musical talent.

It's not just technology.

I'm just impressed with the recording fidelity.

Okay, I see.

What do we plug in?

Adam, what do you got?

Obviously, we have other people.

O-Peeps.

Other people.

O-Peeps.

Other peeps, September 9th.

Now, is

Trech from Naughty by Nature, is he part of this?

Yeah, well, we had to pay him for the title.

Yeah.

Just anytime you use two-thirds.

Exactly.

Anytime you use the word people or the word other in any sentence or title, You have to pay treasure.

Yeah, okay.

So that's, you know, that's unfortunate.

Yeah, it's fine.

It's fine.

I made a mint off the other woman.

Oh, yeah.

And then My Blind Brother, September 23rd.

Mm-hmm.

And

you getting back on TV soon?

Oh, yeah?

What do you got in the hopper?

I don't know.

You got Krampus 2 coming down the pike?

Coming right down the pike.

Great.

So get out there to that pike.

Get right down the pipes.

It was great to see you, Scott.

We're not over yet.

Oh.

Great to see you.

Are you guys

your boy Troy?

No, no, no, no.

They have to do their plugs.

Now they have to do their plugs.

All right.

So, Jack, what are you plugging here?

My friend Will Hines has a podcast called Don't Get Me Started.

That's something that I have never listened to, but I hear it's good.

Yeah.

Well, you know, the title is not an admission to not actually press play on the podcast.

Yeah, it's not good salesmanship.

Yeah.

Don't get me started.

So I haven't, but I hear it's a good podcast.

All right.

And it's your boy Troy.

This is your boy Troy.

Wait, now you're back to this is your boy Troy.

No, no, just, you know, just, I want to, like Jack said, I don't really want to emphasize my name.

It's your boy Troy.

Please vote for me.

And yeah, you can.

Can anyone vote, by the way?

We talked about it.

Randy McKern and Wildcat can vote.

And is it open to the general public as well?

If you want to just throw me your support on Twitter, that'd be great.

Yeah.

That's really, just vote for it's your boy Troy.

That's all I got.

All right, great.

I want to plug, hey,

we're doing shows out there in the UK.

Merry Old England.

At the end of the month, we're going to be out, let's see, September 25th.

We are in Manchester.

September 26th in Nottingham.

September 27th in Leeds and London on September 28th.

That's Paul F.

Tompkins, Lauren Lapkis, myself.

We're going to have to be fun.

That'll be so fun.

That'll be so fun.

It'll be very fun.

Wait a minute.

Who just walks in the room here?

Oh, it's me.

Oh, I thought I was going to be on the show.

It's your boy, Jack?

It's my boy, Jack.

It's my boy, Jack.

It's your boy.

No, it's my boy, Jack.

Your boy, Jack.

No, you have to say it's my boy boy.

It's my boy, Jack.

It's my boy, Jack.

That's right, yeah.

All right.

I also, by the way, this is the first time since we announced it that I can talk about it.

The Comedy Bang Bang TV series is ending, and we're coming back next month with our last 10 episodes.

So,

October 28th, we will have Kaylee Cuoco and Gillian Jacobs with our Halloween episode and

doing two episodes a week.

And then our series finale, two-part series finale on December 2nd.

So be sure to check out those final 10 episodes.

Let's close up the old plug bag.

Gonna listen to some plugs.

Gonna listen to some plugs.

Gonna listen to some plugs.

Gonna let my ears go out.

Don't let my dreams

All right, guys.

Well, this has been really fun.

This is your boy, Troy.

It's your boy, Troy.

God, I can never get this right.

Great seeing you.

Good luck with the election.

When is the election?

It's the second week of school.

It's

so coming up.

Yeah, I mean, Labor today's Labor Day, so this is your first week, I would imagine.

You're back tomorrow and then

so next week.

Yeah, yeah.

Why so early?

That's because we've been campaigning all summer.

It also seems like you should have done it at the end of last year.

Yeah, well, McKernan's a unique high school.

It really is.

Okay.

And

Jack,

what can one say?

Thanks so much.

Yeah.

Jack, I'm still not clear what it is you do, but nor am I.

Yeah, well, it's great to be here.

Okay, all right.

Yeah.

You got any movies that you're about to see?

Yeah, I'm going to go see

The Conversation.

By Coppola.

Are you seeing the non-CGI version of that?

Yes, I wanted to see the practical effects version of The Conversation.

Okay, that's going to be the whole film, I believe.

Oh, great.

Okay, good.

And Adam, good luck to you.

You too, my friend.

You too.

You got me excited there.

Yeah,

when are the old lads from Liverpool going to kick it up?

If they do, if they kick it up one notch, we're going to be there to document it.

We'll be there.

All right, thanks so much.

We'll see you next time.

Bye.

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