Bonus Bang: Jason Mantzoukas, Manchester Orchestra, Andy Daly, Paul F. Tompkins, Jessica McKenna, Tim Baltz, Lily Sullivan, Shaun Diston, Jon Gabrus, Carl Tart, Dan Lippert, Ego Nwodim (The 12th Anniversary Show!)

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Hey, everyone, my name is Scott Ackerman and welcome back for another bonus bang.

Bonus bangs being, of course, previously recorded episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we're re-releasing out from behind the paywall.

And we are currently in the middle of giving you some great anniversary episodes from our past to celebrate Comedy Bang Bang's upcoming 16th anniversary.

And this one was released on May 2nd, 2021.

And it's originally episode number 704 entitled The 12th Anniversary Show.

So this features Andy Daly as Byron Denniston and Dalton Wilcox, Jessica McKenna as Marjorie Kershaw, Tim Baltz as Randy Snuts, Lily Sullivan as Carissa, Sean Diston as Sprague the Whisperer, John Gabris as Gino Lombardo, Carl Tart as Charles Barkley, Dan Lippert as Bill Walton, Ego Wodem as Charlotte Hornet,

and Jason Manzoukas as Jason Manzoukas.

And an extra special treat is there's music from Manchester Orchestra.

And even more special than that, this is the first appearance of the Grizz played by Paul F.

Tompkins.

Now, we talked about this on the best of, but Paul came in originally going to do another character.

and uh when jason and andy and i were talking about you'll hear it we suddenly found out about the existence of a person named the grizz paul stepped in as the grizz and the rest is history so if you enjoy this and you want more comedy bang bang become a subscriber at cbbworld.com you get every single episode ad-free uh as well as every episode we've ever recorded and all live episodes a lot of great exclusive shows like the neighborhood listen scott hasn't seen CBB Presents.

We're going to have a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang on Monday, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Make peace with the fish and she'll grant you a wish.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Mmm.

I like the concept of that, that people out there have beef with fishes or fish with beefas.

Beef is

welcome to comedy bang bang for another week.

Thank you to Teenage Grave Robber for that catchphrase submission.

Teenage Grave Robber, thank you so much.

And what a week it is.

My name is Scott Ackerman and an incredible achievement we have unlocked for this podcast.

We are, this is our 12th anniversary.

We are, I think last week I said we were closing out our 11th year.

No, we have closed out our 12th year, and this is the first episode of our 13th year, aka the 12th anniversary.

Wow.

So, yes.

So, welcome, Rachel.

We are breaking off another 13.

Well, we're breaking off our

second 12.

12.

I don't know.

We're in the middle, of course, of our eighth hundo as we broke off another one a couple episodes ago with our friend who's here.

We have plenty of friends from the show returning all throughout this episode, plus some other stuff.

But I want to introduce him first.

He, of course, is the Dink Dink Man.

He is the Hainong man himself.

You know him from the dictator and only from the dictator.

Single credit.

Single credit guest here.

Please welcome back to the show, Jason Manzukas.

Yeah, happy anniversary, Scott.

Wow.

Thank you so much.

Who would have thought?

Who would have ever thought back in 2009 that this would continue past three weeks, let alone 12 years?

This scrappy little art upstart that was being broadcast out of a radio station

would turn into us.

Turn out into each other's closets.

Would turn into us locked in our closets,

terrified to see and touch each other.

Jason, thank you so much for being back here on our 12th anniversary episode.

Of course,

we covered everything there is to cover the last time you were on Amir.

We got, you know what I was very grateful for?

I heard from a lot of people after the last episode that said, thank you for not talking about comic books.

Yes, a lot of, they were so relieved.

They were so grateful.

Anytime we

mentioned it, but that we were not

talking.

We're not going to get into this because even though we were so relieved about that factor, because we could talk about them for hours.

We could talk about them

in a private setting, in a professional setting.

The recent Moon Knight run that'll most likely be the basis for the Oscar Isaac.

Of course, we read that.

We could talk about comics as they relate to also the pop culture that we're digesting.

Of course, we could, but we don't know.

So many people on comedy

don't want that.

we hate it we hate the concept of it so thank you for not doing it well i'm embarrassed that it even came up on this episode so thank you for uh bringing it up uh so that we can abruptly move on from it yes thank you uh how are you doing how are you how do you feel at like closing out 12 years of this like we're we're like you're entering what is commonly known as your bacon your baker's dozen year

my bacon doesn't your baker's dozen like a baker's dozen is 30 12 pieces of bacon before every episode.

Yep.

But your bacon's dozen.

You know, I never thought it would get past 10, honestly, because I don't think I've ever done anything in my life that has exceeded 10 years.

How long have you been married?

Oh, that's right.

Never mind.

No, I think

that's been 12 as well.

I think.

Did you start both?

Not start.

Yeah, I guess you start a marriage.

You could say you started a marriage.

But did you guys get married the same year that you started Bang Bang?

We did.

In the same 12-month period,

but not in the same calendar year.

But yeah, we got married a few months before this started.

So really the best times of my life have been

doing the show and marrying to the widow.

Really peaked 12 years ago.

Peaked.

I think the show's gotten better and better, but who knows?

Read the boards.

Uh-oh.

Tread the boards.

Add a little more to that read the boards.

And you got something, the Immortal Bard.

But Jason, we have to introduce

some

very important guests here.

They are providing musical accompaniment to the episode.

They were on the show four years ago.

I can't believe it was that long ago, but they were on four years ago promoting their previous album.

And they are back this week promoting their album, which just came out Friday.

That is,

they made it,

they made it a point to make this the hub and the centerpiece of their promotional appearances, if you can believe it.

Wow.

They are here promoting their new record, The Million Masks of God.

Please welcome back to the show Andy and Robert.

That's right.

Manchester Orchestra is here.

Nice.

Thank you so much for having us.

It is our pleasure.

Big

both.

Did you guys time the release of this new record?

We did.

To the anniversary?

To to the 12th anniversary.

We did.

It's been ready for years, but 12 was specific.

We wanted to wait a few.

It feels particularly advantageous to do it now because

you're going to promote on this episode, which is going to be probably the biggest episode of the year.

Biggest episode of the year, undoubtedly, yes.

And could very potentially be, you know, the biggest accolade for us of the year.

So it's a win-win.

Well, you know, you talk about this being a big accolade, and yet, Andy, I go to your Wikipedia page, which is, of course, my primary resource for all research

on this podcast.

And I see a little section by the name of Appearances in Other Media.

And I start salivating because I know a comedy bang bang reference is nigh.

And we have television performances,

late show with David Letterman, late night Conan O'Brien, et cetera, et cetera.

Television episodes where you're not even in them, but your songs are just played on them.

Movies, video games,

not a mention of comedy bang bang anywhere on the page.

Wow.

What do you say to that?

I'm going to have to tell my mom, who edits that page, that she needs to kind of get her facts right.

And we'll take it from there.

This is like

this is some gotcha journalism from Scott August.

This is the only reason I wanted you back.

I mean, I like the music and everything.

Very Fox News of you.

This is very, like, lure them in and then be like, now am I to believe?

No, I am very happy to have you back.

But, you know, hey, all you Wikipedia,

not sleuths necessarily, but all of you Wikipedia bandits out there who like leaving stuff.

I guess bandits take stuff.

A Wikipedia bandit would be more like someone who edits things out of pages, wouldn't they?

I would think so.

They would steal the information from the page and not make it publicly available anymore.

I mean,

they might fence it to another page.

They might like sell it.

They might sell that information to another page.

Andy Robert, what if you were to make your Wikipedia page, what if your mom were to edit on to the page in its own section, a comedy bang-bang appearance, and then make that an NFT?

Oh, now we're talking.

I'd love to get into NFTs and what they are.

Like, how, should we be monetizing this episode right now as an NFT?

Yes, I think every episode should be an NFT.

I think, didn't Kings of Leon make their recent band an NFT?

They made the band an NFT.

It's no longer a NFT.

They're a band.

And it is now an NFT.

Yeah, it's insane.

I think they had that sex that they did that was on fire.

That's what I was saying.

You're saying K-O-L or an NFT?

No longer a band.

You heard it here first.

Kunft.

Well, guys, welcome back to the show.

And you're going to be playing songs from your new record all throughout the show.

And The Million Masks of God, tell us a little bit about the record.

I mean, this is a weird time to be releasing a record.

You can't go out on tour, right?

Yeah, it is a bit weird.

I mean, I feel fortunate that we've been able to wait a little bit.

I feel bad for the artist that released things last year and had no way to perform them at all.

Don't feel bad for Heim?

I saw him on the curve.

Isn't that the name of a song you're working on?

Don't feel bad for Heim?

Yeah, it's a bit strange, but

at a certain point, we finished this album right before everything locked down, and we were able to spend a really long time mixing it because everything was in lockdown.

And

you've been sitting on this for a year, which, by the way, is a song that Jason's been writing as well.

Yeah, I've been sitting on this for a year.

Yes, in a way we have.

So, luckily, we still really like it.

Every time we kind of listen to it, every few months would go like, oh, right, this is still good.

So, that was a good sign.

We didn't want to tinker with it anymore.

This is a hardcore ska album, right?

Yes, yes.

At its core, for sure.

Yeah.

It's great.

I, of course, it came out on Friday, and so I've listened to it.

It's about an hour.

So I've listened to it about

72 times since Friday.

That's incredible.

Wow.

Just on repeat?

Just have it on a loop?

No sleep all night?

No sleep?

Of course not.

Who needs to sleep with a new Manchester Orchestra album?

Thank you, man.

That's nice to hear.

It is quite an accomplishment, and I'm glad you guys still like it because I love it.

And you're going to be playing songs from it here throughout the show.

And it's just the two of you, it's not the full band, but you guys are in your studio here.

You have looks to be like four guitars up there on the walls.

Yeah, these are the four we own.

You only own four guitars.

You guys are a professional band.

They're great guitars, you know.

Okay, well, if you're not further work, you get you've got the right, you've got it looks like you've got one acoustic guitar, perfect for all the acoustic songs.

Um, unfortunately, we have two basses up there, which is

horrible investment.

That was an investment.

Oh, man.

So you have it.

It looks to be, you have 20 strings up there on the wall.

Let's see.

It'd be 24, wouldn't it?

Six.

Oh, no, yeah, you're right.

Yeah.

Two bases.

Two bases.

Ah, my goodness.

Well, that's all you need.

I mean,

as they said on the Oscars, by the way, Jason, were you excited for those Oscars a week ago?

Oh, boy.

You know, I'm going to be honest.

I didn't watch a frame of it.

Well, there was about 30 per second, my dear boy.

I didn't watch.

I didn't want.

As each frame was going past, I didn't watch it.

Oh, wait, so it was on?

You just had to go to the next one.

I didn't watch the...

For the first time, I did not tune in to, I wasn't interested at all.

Well, you know,

when the dictator got snubbed, I'm sure it was personal for you.

Oh, sure.

They'll honor Borat too, but how about the dictator?

Full snub job.

Dictator won, of course.

Now, I mean, the dictator won when

we came out.

Yeah, total snub job, which, you know, I was glad to receive.

Always want to receive a snub job.

Truly one of Oscar's most infamous flubs and snubs.

Absolutely.

But why were we talking about the Oscars?

You asked me if I enjoyed them last time.

Yeah, but what happened before that?

I don't remember.

We were talking about

the number of strings on your guitars and things like that.

20 strings to the Oscars.

Were you thinking maybe violins during the Oscars?

Oh, no.

I was thinking of those 12 notes that Mozart had and that John Batiste has.

Yes, you have eight more strings than notes.

So you guys are in pole position.

Nothing to say about that?

All right.

Not a thing.

Nope, nope, nothing.

I'm curious now, as you guys are putting this record out, are you thinking of or planning on touring?

Is this now starting to become a reality?

Did you have a tour planned that you postponed or are you scheduling one now?

We've had numerous tours booked and canceled just trying to get ahead of everything.

And we have a tour that hopefully if people continue to get vaccinated and we can tour safely, we will, but we're not going to announce it until we know we can.

Until every other band has announced one.

So we're not the first one.

Oh,

wow.

Well, you guys know, yeah, of course.

It's got to be safe out there.

And you guys are keeping your fans safe.

And that's the one thing that I've always felt listening to all of your records is I feel safe when I listen.

Thank you.

That's exactly what a rock band wants to hear.

It's just a level of safeness,

non-edginess.

I have another question.

Scott, will you read the name, the title of the album again, please?

The title of the album is The Million Masks of God.

Now, is that a direct relate?

Do you guys believe that God

has been wearing a COVID mask for the last year?

Is this a...

Oh, yeah.

Has he been wearing a million of them?

I mean, we've all been double.

AN95 masks that God is wearing.

We feel so strongly that whatever type of virus God could contain, he would need a million masks in order.

He created it, though.

Like,

I don't know.

He's a weirdo.

It's complicated.

That's what the album's about.

You know, he's a strange guy.

Really a strange guy.

He splits himself into three with like his son and then a ghost.

Like, he's a little bit of an oddball.

I think, yeah, I think that was Halloween.

I think that was just

a crazy Halloween one year.

He's like, I've got such a good costume this year.

I'm going to split myself.

He's my son in a ghost.

I'm a ghost, so spooky, but I'm also my own son.

God, God.

Suddenly.

Andy's sexy.

I'm going to be a sexy my son.

Did you just say Andy sexy?

I think you would appreciate that.

Andy,

you know what, Andy?

You're very sexy.

Thank you.

And Robert as well.

Thank you.

All right.

Well, guys, so great to have you on.

We'll be playing three stripped-down versions of the songs on the new record.

And those are the versions for strippers?

Yes.

That's what we, yeah.

We try and just kind of cover every market when we're putting on a record.

You have safe, non-edgy songs for streamers.

That's exactly right.

That's going on the next pressing of the vinyl, you know?

All right, guys.

Great to have you.

We do need to get to our...

And again, the name of the album is God Wears His Mask Over His Chin, Not His Mouth.

One million times.

Again, a strange guy.

We do need to get to our first guest, and I consider him to be our first guest as you are our musical accompanists.

And Jason, you have strong co-host energy.

But now, this is interesting, Jason.

When you were on a few episodes ago, when we closed out that hundo, closed out our seventh hundo, we had this guest on, and then we had,

let's just say, a plan formed on this episode, and then

something happened that week, and we wanted to talk to him about it.

So, please welcome back to the show.

He's a Royal Watcher.

Please welcome back Byron Denniston.

Hello?

Hello.

Hello, lads.

How are you?

Am I coming in clearly from London?

All the way from London.

You certainly are are from London, and you are coming clearly.

Coming in clearly over the R-Waves.

You remember Jason, of course.

Of course, yes.

Hello, Jason.

Great to see you again, Byron.

Great to see you.

Thank you so much for making time to join us again.

And this is Robert and Andy from Manchester Orchestra.

Manchester is famous

city in England.

From Manchester, England, I suppose.

We're Atlanta, Georgia, but very close.

I don't understand.

It's just a hop, skip, and a jump across the pond.

Manchester, England,

the site of an incredibly vibrant movie, I mean, music scene.

You know, the Happy Mondays, Joy Division, like that whole thing.

Are you on a Wikipedia page right now?

What is going on?

No, I'm just saying, like the movie 24-Hour Party, People, is basically about the Manchester.

And Manchester by the Sea, another

rocking, vibrant movie that has a lot of editing.

That's about Manchester in Massachusetts, of course.

But be not confused.

They are banned from the states here, so I apologize for that.

Well, I can't help but be confused, and there's really nothing you can do to clear it up.

I beg your pardon.

But you know what I do want to clear up, Byron?

You were on the show.

You were on our 700th episode

with Jason and I, and we were talking about a plan that we were going to enact that week

regarding, of course, what was the plan that the Royals had?

Formula One, what was it?

It was not called Formula One.

No, it wasn't

Formula One Funny Carson.

Plan one, the Groucho gang.

Was that not it?

That was it.

What was it?

Oh, gentlemen, gentlemen.

So much has happened since we last.

So much has happened, I can't keep it all in my head.

I know.

It's absolutely chaotic.

It's been an insane few weeks here.

And there are things.

Please, when we're done with this episode, will you send it to me so that I can ask you to edit out?

Because I'm just going to tell you what happened, but there are possibilities.

We'll edit everything out, don't we?

Yes, the public should not know, but I'd like,

you know, we should talk about it.

Yes, we should, yes.

So this is on the DL.

Let's talk about what actually happened.

Absolutely.

So as people will no doubt read.

Should I stop recording?

Yeah, do the opposite of Hit Record Joe.

Great.

Stop recording Dason.

So as of the last episode, I'm...

Would that make it into the episode?

That joke?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Who knows?

But

this will not.

This will not.

Okay.

Yes.

Well, some of it will and some of it won't.

That's the point.

I don't wish to edit myself as I can.

So Byron, if you don't mind, you just tell me when to hit record again, and I'll hit record again.

No, I don't know if I can do that.

It's true.

We may as well just keep recording, Jane.

Okay,

later we'll edit it out.

I'm sorry.

We'll redact it.

I'll redact it.

Yeah, we'll redact it.

Whatever words you need redacted, whatever you need.

Okay.

So this will be the 12th anniversary episode redacted.

Redacted version.

Precisely.

And let's just say that.

And I will not forget.

I will not forget to redact it.

Don't forget.

And the full audio audio will not come out until 50 years after all of us have died.

Oh, wow.

Is this going to be like a time capsule?

Yes.

It's like that.

Who's going to be keeping track of when all of us die?

It's not that hard.

It's really 50 years after the last one of us dies.

Could it be the first one?

I feel like somehow

Sprague, the whisperer, is going to be keeping track of all of those details.

Yeah, that's true.

He seems to be in charge of like a lot of the information, all of the canon.

All right, so hit us.

What happened that week?

So,

as people will remember,

I was getting into prosthetic makeup every day to pose as Prince Philip

in his final days and lurking around Buckingham Palace getting scoops and whatnot.

And I had learned that there was going to be a launch into space of all of Europe's royals

and

explosion of Earth by way of nuclear missiles to coincide with Tina Turner's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which would in fact become Sean Arnaud's induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, because Sean Arnold would have taken the stage.

And that was coincidental, the Sean Ana and Tina Turner of it all, I believe.

The plan was going to be enacted that week, regardless, because the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is still a few weeks away, I believe.

I think one was caused by the other.

But regardless.

Let's just say that the connections might have been tenuous, but they're there.

Yes, yes, yes.

They're there if you look for them, definitely.

Yes, yes.

But

then

we determined that for me to earn a spot on this spaceship with the royals that would be taking off, I would need to marry a royal, and I set my sights

upon, well, it doesn't matter, it hardly matters, but the point became that what then to do with Prince Philip?

A person who you had already been impersonating

whom you had disposed of many months prior.

Well, yes, and this is one of the things you let it out, I'm sure, that I had murdered Prince Philip several months before and

dismembered him, and he's been dead for quite a while, and of course, put his eyes to good use.

Sure.

But strewn the rest of his body across the four corners of the globe.

Yes.

Never, never.

You'd never find him, I thought.

Well, of course, I kept track of where all of his parts were.

You'll hear that.

Yes,

that plays into it.

But, all right.

So, what we decided to do, we formulated a plan.

It was mostly Jason's idea of the Scrooge bit.

But the idea was.

Yeah, Jason was really into the Scrooge game.

I was not into the Scrooge bit, but that was the one part I didn't like.

But go ahead.

Well, it came off great, I have to say.

But go ahead.

Nearly perfectly.

The idea was that a bunch of bank robbers were going to hit.

We settled on Lloyd's Bank, ultimately, near

Paul's Cathedral.

Bank robbers dressed as the characters from a Christmas carol would descend upon the bank, which has a safety deposit box, which would be filled with frozen eyes, which would then be spilled out onto the street as the robbers made their escape, and they're heavily armed, and then there would be an intervention by Prince Philip, which would really be me in prosthetic makeup.

He would be the hero of the day.

He would foil the bank robbery and then get just blasted in the face with one of the robbers' shotguns.

Well, not in the face, because it was going to be Squibbs under the clothes.

Well, we would have have the squibs, but we felt like we needed to do it on the face in order to hide the fact that you had to switch a body in that was not the real Prince Philip.

I know, I know, but this is where things got very complicated.

So, so this is where, yes, Dalton Wilcox had provided us with another body

which was covered in the same prosthetics and going to be the same clothes, and there was going to be a body switch at the last moment.

That body was going to be buried as Prince Philip while I made my way out of the scene.

We missed a real opportunity.

I apologize, Byron, to say prior to just exactly what you're doing, previously on Comedy Game.

That's right.

Well, if only Sprague were here to do that, I know he would have cut together a previously on.

So this is, for anybody listening,

these are the events of episode 700.

700.

Yes.

Yes, to the best of my recollection.

But here's where things went, gentlemen, I'm afraid, all right.

They were pear-shaped.

Yeah.

Yes, exactly.

The person who we had hired to play Scrooge in the gang simply didn't show up.

But it was fine.

We went ahead with it anyway.

We waited for

like five whole minutes.

Well,

I had argued for giving him the more traditional 15-minute grace.

But a bank robbery is a more precise thing.

In show business,

you have to be five minutes early, and that means on time.

So the fact of the time.

I haven't lately.

We just walked away.

I have a question, Byron.

Yes.

In setting this up, did you hire bank robbers so as to make the bank robbery feel real?

Or did you hire actors to play bank robbery?

Jason, were you not paying attention this whole time?

I wasn't.

I forgot.

What did we do?

We were there every day of this.

We were.

We were part of it.

We wrote the script right after the episode.

Oh, right.

I'm so sorry.

Damn it.

And so, as you know, cut that out, Devin.

I'm not going to redact.

You just redact.

I demand.

The rule is: if you say, I want it redacted, it has to be redacted.

If you want it redacted, it has to be enacted.

Yes.

And so I'm enacting, redacting.

Well, anyway, it was a bunch of actors who had starred in a production of the Christmas Carol.

And we had got this great guy for The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come who all he had to do, you know, in a Christmas Carol, all he does is point at a grave.

He's wearing big, long robes.

All he had to do was just show the teller the note.

He didn't have to say anything.

Yes, yes.

But somehow we got this chatty catty.

Chatty Caddy.

Chatty Caddy.

We got a Chatty Cathy actor

out there who wanted to beef up his role or something.

It was crazy.

Well, and of course, they did not realize that they were going to be shot for real by

dressed as Prince Philip.

And so that ended up being ridiculous.

They kept saying, like, hey, where are my Squibs?

I see Prince Philip has squibs.

Where are my Squibs?

And we kept saying, like, eh, don't worry.

We also told them that the police that were showing up were also actors.

Sure, yeah.

And everyone in the bank was an actor.

They would be totally safe and they should feel free to.

We had told them, actually, that we had build an 11 to 10 scale Lloyd's bank around the real bank.

So the whole thing was a set.

So it may be that the Scrooge fellow was suspicious of some of this and therefore did not show up.

The rest of the day.

Can we just say who he was?

It was Patrick Stewart.

Yes.

All right, good.

Yes.

We were going to kill Patrick Stewart.

Yes, the plan was to kill Patrick Stewart and everyone else who starred with him.

I mean, that didn't start out as the plan.

The plan was to get Prince,

get the public to believe that Prince Philip had been killed foiling a bank robbery.

The benefit on the other side of it was that we could get rid of Picard.

Right.

That was just incidental.

But as it turns out, gentlemen, because there was no Scrooge in the Scrooge gang, when when the police got to the scene, they saw the dead body of what was meant to be Prince Philip, this body that Dalton Wilcox had with the range.

Yes, yes, yes.

And they assumed that this was the Scrooge and that this was a bad guy.

And then when they determined it was Prince Philip, there was this terrible panic inside Buckingham Palace that Prince Philip had joined a bank robbing squad

as Scrooge to the Scrooge gang.

Now, it didn't help that he was wearing like one of those nightcaps that Scrooge has when he throws open the windows and goes down to the sun.

That was the real blunder.

Yeah.

Well because we had we had thought that perhaps Prince Philip would have heard the gunshots and jumped out of his bed and all that.

We thought that made it more heroic that he like jumped out of bed just to go down to the sun.

Just to go foil this bank robbery.

Yes.

But instead it looked like he was, if anything, the ringleader, which is a very compelling narrative, I'm sure, that the tabloids picked up with and ran with.

Absolutely.

We've never seen anything like it in London.

This was the greatest clamping down of a news story you have ever seen in England the you've never seen such message discipline on the part of the royals or such cooperation on the part of the of reporters anyone who came within a mile of it was was threatened with their lives and ran away probably a kilometer

within a kilometer

which is how you would lie i know that's so polite of you to translate it to the message.

You don't have to say it for our sake.

No, I assume that Americans are far too stupid to even understand that word and that it is a unit of measurement.

This was the biggest clampdown on a news story since Princess Di was abducted by aliens, wasn't it?

Yes, exactly, exactly.

And even bigger, because apparently you've heard of that.

Well, sure.

Piers Morgan told me.

I mean, I think The Clash wrote a song about it.

Yeah, about

the clampdown.

About the clampdown.

Oh.

Well, anyway.

And also, I thought the law was vaguely about it, tangential.

Yep, absolutely.

And London calling because they have to do that.

There's a lot of calling in the city of London.

Long-distance calls are very expensive.

That whole story is when people realize that the long-distance rates.

Yes.

To space.

To space, yes.

Buckingham Palace put out the story that Prince Philip had died peacefully, surrounded by family.

And of course, that's what everyone thinks happened.

And I'm furious furious because all of our wonderful efforts uh have gone to naught, they've been so sort of sewn up tight by the palace.

Well, it's it was uh it was unfortunate because we had an airtight plan and uh we had the branding of the Scrooge gang that was gonna be just you know dynamite and take over the world and it was it's it's unfortunate.

It's unfortunate it went down

also really inter like completely interrupts your entire plan to get on that spaceship were you able to escape Earth Were you able to go to the funeral, though, and cozy up to one of the royals?

Well, the funeral itself was a rather small affair, but there was an after-funeral party, which was very, it was huge.

Was that in the hotel lobby?

You see in the lobby of Windsor Castle.

Yes, and it was really, it was like a three-day buck and all.

But here's where things get only more complicated.

Okay.

If you remember, Lady Amelia Spencer, right?

She is single.

Right.

Single, ready to mingle.

Is she the one that's engaged to the Grizz?

Yes.

Okay.

Well, this is what...

When I asked Dalton Wilcox, where did you get the body to swap?

He said, this is the Grizz.

What?

Yes.

Dalton Wilcox, and this is

of his own volition.

Well, he came to feel that this was a...

Dr.

Mallet, Mr.

Grizzle.

Right, that's right.

And so

he was duty-bound to kill a monster.

Yes, yes.

And so he shot the Grizz through the heart with a silver bullet.

And just to be safe, also shot him in the left thigh because

sometimes people's hearts are in their thighs.

People are not happy moving.

Yes.

Wow.

So Grizz is gone.

So lady, what's her name?

Amelia Spencer?

Amelia Spencer.

She's,

I mean, the Grizz has dropped off her radar.

So she's ready to party.

The Grizz is buried in Prince Philip's grave.

Wow.

Covered in prosthetic makeups.

Whoa.

That's what's going on.

Crazy.

So, how does this affect plan one and you getting up there?

Now, how it affects it is that I now

am trying my best to woo Lady Amelia Spencer and to become her

husband.

Well, it's been difficult because she doesn't accept that the Grizz is gone.

She says, oh, no, that's just the Grizz.

He disappears for a while, you know.

He goes off the Grizz.

He's that kind of guy.

The Grizz goes off the Grizz.

This is typical Grizz Biz.

Right.

So she's, you know, I mean, all of my sort of...

There's no Grizzness like show Grizzness.

Sure.

So she's not receptive to your charms as of yet?

No, she keeps saying, I'm engaged.

I'm engaged.

Well, what would the Grizz say in all this?

Of course, I have this inside information that he's been buried, he's dead and buried.

At what point do you just drop this information in her lap and say, look, I know what's really going on, and I'm your best bet right now?

That's what I'm trying to figure out.

At some point, yes, just take her aside and say, listen, your fiancé has been murdered.

Don't just take her aside.

Take her to the grave itself and exhume the body and take off the prosthetics and show her.

You know, you might have to show her.

Don't just tell.

Show.

I have to bring along some alcohol swabs to get the prosthetics over.

That's probably the least of your concerns with exhuming the whole body.

Not at all.

Can you imagine?

And also prepare her.

Tell her there's going to be quite a lot of spirit gum you're going to see.

Yes, it's too.

And don't worry, we're going to be able to take that off and you'll see the grizz underneath.

Could you imagine going through all the effort of exhuming a body and digging it up and then being unable to take the prosthetics off and prove what you wish to prove because you didn't bring along alcohol to get it?

Well, if you could, perhaps have, you could bring like a thermos of drinks, like a slow gin fizz grizz,

which you could be drinking while you're exhuming the grave, you know.

Oh, yes, there would be drinks involved.

Yeah.

This is a nice little date, you know, out there in the cemetery.

This could be romantic.

Yeah.

I suppose so.

And prompt some closure for her.

And then, boom, you're right there to be the shoulder she cries on.

Next thing you know, you're in outer space.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, that's.

Which is the end game, right?

Being in outer space.

Being in outer space is the end game.

Well, I think the endgame is killing Thanos and getting people back from the blip.

Of course, yes.

Well, this is this is, I mean, when is plan one happening, though?

Because it was supposed to happen this week.

Well, yes, it seemed very imminent, but

I gather that the funeral rather sort of threw things off a bit.

And now I wonder if perhaps they're considering

they're wondering what will happen with the

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Oh, so they're waiting for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to see if Sean Arna legally changes their name and gets to the stage before Tina Turner.

Is that what it is?

Yes, because if, in fact, Sean Arna does not make it into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, maybe

Plan One would be called off right.

Well, I mean, this all just depends on, of course, the Grizz

being gone and the Grizz.

Did someone mention my name?

What?

Wait.

Well, well, well.

Oh, no.

Byron Denniston, as I live and breathe.

Who's this then?

Oh, you know who it is, me, old shiner.

Sir, announce yourself.

Who are you?

It's me.

DeGriz.

Wait a minute.

What?

How can this be?

We've just been told you were killed.

Dalton Wilcox murdered you with a silver bullet to the heart and the leg.

No one kills DeGrizz.

Wait.

So you're unkillable, or he just didn't.

Are you some sort of immortal?

How do you think?

I mean, I don't think I'm unkillable, but that bloat didn't kill me.

Wait, so God.

So you.

So far, I'm unkillable.

So that was you then with the prosthetics.

Oh, it was me with the prosthetics.

Wait, so was it also you who was buried in Prince Philip's grave?

Did you have to, were you buried alive?

Not the first time, dearie, and it won't be the last.

Oh, my God.

So, are you here for revenge?

I'll tell you what I'm here for.

I'm here to defend the honor of my girlfriend, Lady Amelia.

Wow.

You did all of this for love?

For love and for sex and for money.

Where's the money coming to it?

Oh, I guess she's got a lot of money.

She's a Spencer, yes.

Money's

a Windsor.

So you know everything?

You know about the Scrooge gang, everything?

I know everything.

The Scrooge gang's not going to work.

Wait, did you listen to

episode 700?

Me and Byron like it.

Anytime I'm spoken about, I managed to hear it.

I watch the world with the eyes of little birds.

Well, Grizz, it's a pleasure to have you on the show.

Welcome to

the Grizz.

I'm sorry, the Grizz.

And by the way, I would like to thank you, The Grizz, because I also was against the name The Scrooge Gang.

And at this point, it's a tie, and you're not even part of it anymore, The Grizz.

It's a bit whimsical.

No, I'm not part of it.

Am I?

I never was part of it.

This is all a fantasy of your making.

Just so I understand, Dalton Wilcox did shoot you and did cover you in prosthetics to look like Prince Philip and did lay you in the street in front of Lloyd's bank and and

you were buried in Prince Philip's grave, but none of that had killed you and you managed to claw your way out and now here you are.

That's right.

You got a one.

Nobody beats the Grizz.

This is shocking.

This is a shocking development.

Shocking, isn't it?

Nobody beats the Grizz.

Nobody beats the Grizz.

Are there t-shirts?

Because I'd love to make some t-shirts.

Nobody beats me.

That's got to be a t-shirt.

That has got to be a t-shirt.

Well, the Grizz, this is incredible.

Did you claw your way out of the grave?

What exactly happened?

The easiest thing in the world is to escape from a coffin that wants to be buried underground.

Are you some sort of David Blaine-type illusionist?

No.

The guy that goes in a glass box and says, I'm going to go in a glass box for a while.

Yeah.

So you have no aspirations to be any kind of magician or.

what I do, I don't do for show.

I do it to survive.

He's not a royal.

He doesn't have time to be doing magic.

He's engaged to a royal.

You have nothing but time to do magic once you're engaged to a royal.

Once you're married.

Oh, okay.

So you have no time right now.

No time right now.

Sorry.

No time for magic right now, mates.

I've got to be on it.

I've got to survive to make it to the royal wedding that I'm going to have.

Have you announced your presence?

Have you returned back to your fiancé at this point?

I've been communicating with her through a series of birds.

Through a series of birds.

Which birds?

Which series of birds?

Do you mean actual birds, or are you in the sense of like in Game of Thrones, like you, like the little street urchins are the gossip network, those little birds?

Both.

The little street urchins carry actual birds.

That's the best.

That seems like a waste of the bird's natural natural talent to fly

these birds is all wounded byron dennystan they can't fly no more look at this cruel prick thinks the birds should just be put to death summarily executed if they ever get an injury byron what are you the producers of luck but with birds

You're saying you've you've written little notes to your fiancée and tied them to the legs of birds who are injured and cannot fly and handed them to street urchins who then carry them to lady amelia did i stutter

no you didn't i honestly i think it would be more merciful to kill the birds oh you would wouldn't you i do well that's you isn't it a poshtoff like you all you think about is is it lower than me kill it

i mean byron dennison i have to say this is like this is as a royal watcher yeah this must be huge news for you not only that the grizz is alive foiling The Grizz is alive!

But also hearing about a specific royal method of communication heretofore unknown.

It's not a royal method.

It's a method from the streets.

Olaf Commoner, you might say.

Oh, interesting.

Oh, okay.

Got it.

I had no idea.

Oh, you didn't?

Did I sound like I come from Oxbridge, mate?

Your accent is British, so very posh.

The Grizz,

what's your background?

Where did you come from?

We don't know anything about about you.

I come from the gutter.

Are you some sort of like Oliver Twist or Fagan-style

con artist out there on the streets who's ingratiating?

Oliver Twist was not a con artist.

He was an orphan, wasn't he?

And Fagin was not a con artist either.

He was a pickpocket.

And he ran a ring of little kid pickpockets.

Nobody was conning anyone.

People were just taking people's wallets.

So would you say, are you a con con artist, kind of like a Danny Ocean?

Or

a, I can't remember what Brad Pitt's character's name in.

But he ate a lot.

He certainly was always eating something.

I think his name was Shrimp Cocktail.

His name was Shrimp Cocktail.

It's not a bad name.

Brad Pitt played a character named Shrimp Cocktail.

I was Danny Ocean.

This is my best friend.

This is my best friend.

Shrimp cocktail.

And at precisely 11.45, shrimp cocktail, you're going to move to the blackjack table.

How long does it take to sing the song God Save the Queen?

I mean, shrimp come from the ocean, so it's not that big of a stretch.

As do we all, mate.

As do we all.

That's true.

So say we all.

So say we all.

Battlestar Galactica.

Oh, are you a sci-fi fan?

I love sci-fi.

Oh, really?

What's your favorite?

You an SP one?

Any recommendations?

I'm looking for something new to watch sci-fi-wise.

Blake 7, of course.

You've got to watch Blake 7.

Well, Doctor Who.

Yes, Doctor Who.

That's the only sci-fi that really matters, isn't it?

You guys are not.

On this, we agree, Byron.

That is the best.

Oh, right.

Good, good, good.

I mean,

do you have a, I guess,

you don't have a problem with Byron here.

I mean, the guy who shot you is Dalton Wilcox, right?

I mean, I've got a problem with Byron.

What's your problem with me?

Dalton Wilcox.

You're full of questions, ain't you, Byron?

All I'm trying to do is steal your fiancé away, if and if killing you to do it is what's needed I'm perfectly willing

to hear yourself mate

do you hear yourself you're shouting are you even aware

I actually can't hear myself that well and that's why I do tend to shout sometimes I do have

I I do mate so let me just say I do have a bit of tinnitus and so I often cannot hear myself that well and so sometimes I will speak more loudly than I realize I'm speaking so if that does happen I do it this makes sense to the Grizzly but there is also anger!

Are you even aware, The Grizz, of the plan to take you up into space?

Do you even know that that's happening?

And that that's one of the side benefits of marrying a royal?

Are you even aware?

Indeed, I am aware.

And no one's going to keep me from marrying Lady Amelia and going to space or deep under the ocean or wherever she wants to go.

Because I'm in love with her.

And that's the truth.

What are you going to do out in space, the Grizz?

Oh, those space things.

I mean, I can't collect rocks.

Does it sound that exciting?

I don't.

What's exciting to me is being by the side of my lady love.

Wow.

You know,

what's kind of wonderful about being able to, because, you know, previously when we were speaking to Byron a couple of weeks ago,

we got this whole story, and I got really wrapped up in Byron surviving the apocalypse on Earth and living in space.

But now that I'm talking to the Grizz, what I realize that at the heart of this is a love story.

You know, at the heart of this is a story about Lady Amelia and the Grizz and that their love is true.

It is true.

Well, he did mention money.

Sure.

Sure.

Sex.

And that was true.

And money was number three.

And also sex.

Love was number one.

Sex was number two.

And money was number three.

Yes.

For me, space is number three.

A romantic ranking.

What are you going to do with money out in space?

Are you going to turn it into Space Bucks?

Buy rocks.

Can I ask

it?

Answered.

Now, here's an interesting question.

So we'll be the one.

Byron.

Yeah, of course.

Byron,

knowing that you had faked Prince Philip's death using what you believed to be the corpse of the Grizz.

Yes.

Have you been trying to woo Lady Amelia as a new

person as Byron?

Or as the Grizz?

Have you been impersonating the Grizz?

And if so, I'd like to hear how that's going.

Well, no, I have been a new suitor, but rumor has reached my ears that Dalton Wilcox has been impersonating the Grizz.

The man that he believed he killed to try to...

Why would he do that?

Because don't you all want the Grizz out of the way?

We got to get...

Is Dalton available?

I have no idea.

I have no idea where he is.

Is Dalton around?

Can we?

I have been trying to present myself as a new suitor, but Dalton, who believed up until, well, still believes that he killed the Grizz, has sort of stepped into his shoes and tried to take his place to marry Lady Amelia.

He literally stepped into my shoes.

And you know what's funny is that my shoes is bigger than Dalton Wilcox's shoes.

And so he's had his stuff newspaper in the toes.

That's very funny.

Wow.

You can tell that on his shoes, his feet are...

They look ridiculous on his body.

Just

That must infuriate Dalton Wilcox because newspapers are usually from the city.

Yeah, he must hate that.

He must hate

all that city.

He would prefer just manure-strewn rags instead of newspapers, but that's all he could get.

Kerosene-soaked shirts.

You know, the equivalent of newspapers for cowboys.

He's manure-strewn rags.

They get delivered on your porch every day.

I mean, like, they're wanted posters and sucks, did you?

In the old West.

Well,

did you see the manure-soaked rag today?

Yep.

Looks like it's going to rain.

Well, look,

this is an astounding development in

the Byron Dunniston story and the Prince Philip story.

And unfortunately, we have to take a break.

And the Grizz story.

Well, the Grizz story continues on.

That's perhaps the most astounding device.

This is a bit of it.

I will say, based on the theme, this is a bit of a Grismus story.

That's true.

I mean, the Scrooge Gang is ready.

A Grismas Carol?

Well, we have to take a break, but

can you guys stick around?

Is that?

Oh, I'll be sticking around.

Okay, wonderful.

I do have a tea later with Lady Amelia, but I can give you a little more time.

Oh, I regret to inform you, your lordship, that tea has been cancelled.

We'll see.

We'll see.

And possibly, Dalton Wilcox, if you're listening out there, please call in.

We'd love to hear from you.

Yes, Dalton, if you're listening live, please call in.

I'd love to hear your impression of the Grizz.

All right.

We're doing a great

pause.

But before we do, Manchester Orchestra, are you guys ready to play your first song?

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Which one is this?

This is off the new record, The Million Masks of God.

And which song are you about to play here?

This song is called Bedhead.

Bedhead.

All right, guys, here we go.

This is Manchester Orchestra.

One, two, three, four.

Arcuan with the dead.

I'm not alone, but shift fears like someone left.

Deaf notes and talking heads.

Carrying on your dead

There's blood on the bedhead and volumes you left unsaid

Let them talk and let it happen

Now I'm afraid you're alone

Oh my god

Let me relinquish and start to distinguish my past and my time

You and I are the fire, so

oh my god.

Let me extinguish the habit, the sequence, the loss

in my mind.

And now I believe in let go

Coin against your skin

Clutch in my nightset It's all supposed to end like this

You and I are panoramic

Now I'm afraid of the ghost Oh my god

Let me relinquish and start to extinguish my past and my time

You and I, holy fire soul, oh my god

Let me extinguish the habit the sequence the loss

in my mind

You now I believe

right by the entrance you broke Finally reality's taking its hold You're not who you were, but you can't let it go You're not where you're from, but you're always alone

So I stick a flag in the ground

I think I know who I'm living for now I am what I am, same above as the ground It's not what I want, but I'm figuring it out

Let me relinquish and start to distinguish my past and my time

Cause there is only love and fire, so

oh my god

Let me extinguish the habit, the sequence, the loss

in my mind

Yeah, now I believe in the cold

Very nice.

All right, guys, we're going to go to a break.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang 12th anniversary episode after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here.

12th anniversary episode, and we have Jason Manzoukas here of the Massachusetts Manzoukases.

He said, hey-o,

and then left me hanging.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't realize.

I was not sure we were going to move right on.

Yes, I'm still here.

Yes.

He is to be here.

Once again, happy anniversary.

And we have, of course, the band Manchester Orchestra, who is here playing songs from their record.

Just came out on Friday, The Million Masks of God.

Hello, guys.

That was a beautiful song, Bedhead.

That's the single, isn't it?

It is, yes.

Ah, so good.

Thank you so much for being here.

An incredible, incredible celebration of both music and

people here on Comedy Bang Bang.

Of course, this is the show where we talk to interesting people.

And, of course, America's Nay Humanities podcast.

And our other guests are no exception to humanity.

We have, of course, Byron Denniston here.

Thank you.

Yes.

I don't consider myself an exception to humanity in any way, Lord.

Appreciate that.

Maybe you should ask around

the grizz is here

the grizzies here

nobody beats the grizzly

nobody beats the grizz t-shirts in the the uh shopify store soon in production of course and uh uh if we ever get a uh uh we hear that zoom chime uh open up uh we'll know that uh dalton wilcox has uh called into the zoom uh but we do have to get to our next guest she is a park ranger she's one of our uh

wonderful park rangers out there in our national parks.

And last time we talked to her, she was up in the St.

Louis Arch, which Byron and Jason, we mentioned, I believe, the last time you were on the show.

And we'll see what's going on with her now.

Please welcome back to the show, Marjorie Kershaw.

Hi, Scott.

Thanks for having me.

Happy anniversary.

1212.

Yeah, check 1212 here.

Thanks so much for being on the show.

You remembered Jason.

I don't know if you've ever met Jason.

I don't think we have ever met.

It's lovely to meet you Marjorie.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

And of course, Byron Denniston, who's from Merry Old England.

Yes, indeed.

Hi.

You know, the sheriff of Nottingham, etc.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, great.

Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Pleasure, pleasure.

Famous denizens of England, I'm lumping you in with.

I've never been to the St.

Louis Arch.

But now I'm excited to visit it.

Now that it's a national park, I wouldn't go if it was simply a thing.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Gateway to the West.

And of course, we have the Grizz here.

I don't know if you've ever met the Grizz.

Grizz have you ever gone to the St.

Louis Arch?

Never been, but it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, my lady.

Nice to meet you.

Well, Scott, I'm actually not at the arch right now.

No?

What's happened to you?

I'm at, arguably, the jewel of the NPS.

Yo, Semite.

That's right.

You're in Yosemite.

I'm here.

I'm here.

Didn't get transferred.

Not working here.

Just took my personal time to come out and look at it because, you know, it's been my dream for a long time.

That's where you want to get to.

That's where I want to get to.

That's the big show.

That's the game.

That's.

I thought you'd been called up, but no, you're not.

That's the big leagues.

That's the big league.

That's the archaea.

The arch is kind of triple-A baseball.

If that.

Well, yeah, you know, I've been sort of

making a name for myself through some of the lesser parks, Jason.

So I got it.

I started at Pinnacles in California, as I call them, the Jazz Hands of Central California.

Sure.

Then I moved up to the Gates of the Arctic, least visited park in Alaska.

Dry Tortugas in Florida, which is just a big fort.

Then the arch during COVID, where you couldn't go in the elevator, but I'm here on my personal time at, well, I would say the best park in the city.

The crown jewel.

The crown jewel.

This is where you want to get, but you're just there on PT.

Yep, yep, yep.

And unfortunately, Scott, I did suffer a mild ankle injury just as I was going through the South Gate at Wawona Campground.

You know, I say don't ever take a social trail, but there was a gum wrapper I wanted to get.

Oh,

no!

So you bet, what happened?

You stepped on a pebble or something?

Yeah,

I took a route the wrong way, and

Tim Burr did I go,

just like big old General General.

Tim Burton Wonderland.

Tim Burton.

Tim Burton.

Alice and Wonderland.

It started off great and interesting, and then was terrible at the end.

That's right.

That's so far my experience here at Old Southgate.

You didn't like the fraptious day?

Oh, Kaloo-Kale.

It didn't work out.

I chortled with my not joy in this.

You'd been like a flutter wagon.

No.

T'was Grillig and the slithy toves did, oops, here I trip, I go.

That would be a fun prank for lumberjacks to play.

They'd be like, Tim Burton, and then suddenly Tim Burton walks in and everyone's ducking and trying to get out of the way.

And instead of a lumberjack, it was Edward Scissor hands cutting down the tree.

That would be funny.

That would be funny.

Oh, well.

Thank you.

Better than the Scrooge Gang.

Wait, so Marjorie, are you like, are you down?

Are you like out of commission?

Do you need us to send help?

Oh, wow.

Well, that's.

Are you broadcasting from within the actual park?

Do you need to?

Well, just barely within the park.

You know, I didn't make it to Tunnel View.

Haven't seen L Cap or Half Dome yet.

Haven't gone on a hike to the Cathedral Lakes.

Nope.

Just sitting here.

Just can almost see the grove grove of sequoias, just can almost barely glimpse it from where I am.

But you can't see even an inch of it, can you?

Because you're just still just in the gate.

You're just in the graphs.

Just right through the gate.

The promise of it makes you happy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

I'm almost there.

Mrs.,

is it true that Americans drive through trees there?

Oh, well, not within the actual park.

Do you have a drive-through within a tree?

There are drive-through trees, but none of those exist within park boundaries.

Is that good for a tree?

No, no, certainly not.

Certainly not.

Oh, look, who cares about living things all of a sudden?

Yeah.

Birds are in trees.

Do you care about them?

Byron?

I like birds as long as their wings work and they don't.

Smack.

Got a lot of rules.

Just that one.

So do you need assistance?

Or have any of the Rangers come by and see you there?

I've been trying to make some inroads.

You know,

I'm connected with all these folks on LinkedIn, but I just.

Sure, but are they not refusing?

Well, you know, Scott, I don't want to, you know, I don't want to

spill any tea, but they are Yosemite Park Rangers.

So, you know,

they're a bit of, you know, it's sort of like they're seniors and I'm a freshman.

You know, they're a little bit untouchable.

Okay.

So if they came by, would you even would you even let them know that you were hurt or would you try and be cool and play it off like I have

so far?

I've been trying to keep it very cool.

Have they swung by?

Have they driven by?

A couple people have driven by, say, hey, do you need any help?

And I, oh, no, just getting rooted to the ground, just trying to

getting rooted to the ground, just connecting, just, you know, just trying to reconnect, just trying to surf those frequencies.

How long have you been out there?

About 18 hours, but I have,

I, you know, always carry water, so I'm all right.

And to be clear, you're not stuck.

This This is

127 hours type situation.

You're at about

100.

This is just frozen by my own anxiety and pride.

Just trying to make a good impression on these Yosemite ends.

How far away are you from the car that you arrived in?

So, well, I actually just got dropped off on a bus.

Didn't splurge for renting a car.

You know,

just trying to make the most of my time out.

Yeah, you can't afford that on an elevator operator salary.

No, no, no.

Well,

this is terrible, but.

Oh, no, I'm in the park here where Muir camped with Teddy Roosevelt and said, hey, ain't this a great idea?

I mean, I'm right there.

I'm almost at the valley floor.

I'm sorry this John Muir quote.

How far away are you?

Hey, isn't this a great idea?

How far away are you?

Isn't that on a plaque at the beginning of the park?

The mountains are calling, and I must, hey, ain't this a good idea?

How far away are you from the gate?

Are you just your feet?

There's three gates.

So I am just within the south gate at Wawona Campground.

So I'm technically in the park, just haven't seen any of its more resplendent views.

But if you were to scooch back even like three feet, would you?

I'd be out of the park.

Okay, so you just made it right in.

Just there.

Okay.

Well, it's a good place to be.

Great.

Oh, can't go.

Well,

you made it.

Like, you really have to at least acknowledge and honor the victory of having made it into the park.

Thank you so much.

And I think, you know, a couple, just a little bit more, a few more hours of elevating this, and I might be able to hobble back over to my tent.

So, you know, I'm, I, I'm, and I have, I cashed in all my sick days, all my vacation days.

So I have, I have 12 days.

I just, you know, got them.

It happened on Day.

I wasted one of them.

Yeah, well,

but I got a lot of people.

I wish I could give you 12 more days.

12 days of Christmas.

Oh, the Christmas.

Well, the 12 days of Christmas.

The Grizz, you're so sweet.

I can see why she fell in love with you.

Thank you.

Aside from the sex, which is number two to you.

Number two, love, number two.

That's what he calls giving her the Grizz.

Is that number one for her, by the way?

I hope so.

The sex?

No, that.

Oh, the love.

What are you asking?

I was wondering what order it was for her.

She's not satisfied with the six.

Really?

Yes.

Slit your face, Byron Denniston.

Wow.

Is that the rumor?

Byron?

No, no, no.

She told me that herself.

She says, I can't wait for the groups to get back, but not for the sakes.

You lie!

No, it's true.

They ought to call you Lyron Denniston.

Whoa.

Whoa.

That was an amazing slam.

Thank you.

Well, it's so great to have you back, Marjorie.

If you need help at any point during the show, just let me know and I will contact anyone you need me to contact.

Oh, that is so kind.

Thank you.

Seeing that you are out there in the West, you know, we know we have agents who roam the West.

Comedy bang-bang agents out there

on horseback.

All throughout the West Coast.

Oh, perfect.

On horseback looking for holes in the ground.

So, you know, I'm sure there's plenty.

Perfect, perfect.

Well, I'm pretty near a big boulder, so I might just try to hoist myself up a little Alex Hauntold action, a little free solo right here.

Of course.

Just lean back and just, that'll change my view.

That alone.

Are you in the middle of the city?

Lean in, lean back, do all the leans.

Yeah.

Are you next to a garbage can or anything?

I mean, I can only imagine they're right there by the gate.

I'm pretty close to a garbage can.

I'm also quite close to, you know, the little newspaper you can get about things to do in the park.

That's great.

One of them's

strewn with manure.

Your shoes fat.

It was part of the problem that your hiking boots might not have fit and they're shoved full of manure.

Rags, rags, rags.

You know what?

Do you know what?

Everyone says it's important to have a snug-fitting boot, but I was like, prove it.

And

I went a size up, and yeah, it's no good for the slide.

I wish I had some manure-strewn rags to put in these toes.

Search through that garbage can.

Maybe they'd be sliding.

Just so we can fix you his space, you'll need a big boulder, a trash can, and a newspaper.

That's right.

Yeah, about

just under a yard within the South Gate.

Right.

You're three slides away from being out of the park entirely.

Three adult scoots away from being outside the park.

Well, great.

Marjorie, thank you so much for making the appointment to be on the show.

I appreciate you.

Oh, my pleasure.

Yeah, I wanted to talk from

the crown jewel.

Of course.

Well, we do need to get to our next guest.

And

he is,

I forget exactly what state he's from.

I think he's from Cincinnati, isn't he?

I can't remember.

I'm from Wisconsin.

Oh, you're the Cincinnati Playboy.

No, sorry.

sorry.

I am.

Redact that.

Redacted.

Redacted.

Devin

has been enacted.

Redacted and enacted.

Thank you.

He has been on the show many times.

He is, of course,

the guy who says yoink whenever he steals anything.

Please welcome back to the show, Randy Snuts.

Oh, thanks for having me, Scott.

And I apologize in advance for the chaos that's about to ensue.

What do you mean, chaos that's about to ensue?

I mean,

okay, so I'm here here too.

Okay.

What?

Oh.

It's me, Carissa.

Carissa, Randy Slutz's girlfriend?

I've heard a lot about you, Carissa.

This is crazy.

What is going on with this show?

There's a lot of confrontations here.

Yeah, I see.

I have a bone to pick with you guys big time.

A bone to pick with who?

Jason Manzukas or the Grizz?

Probably Scott.

Probably with Scott Ackerman.

Yeah, well, with all you guys, with all his boys, with all Randy's boys on here.

She hacked my email.

She stole the Zoom and she's Zoom bombing us right now.

There was nothing I could do.

She guessed my email password.

What is your email password?

The word 69 in lowercase with a hyphen?

No, that's a good idea.

Okay, that'll throw her off the fit.

I just want to say, like, I'm sick and tired of him coming on here on Comedy Bangs.

I think you guys are a really bad influence on him.

And every time he gets off the podcast, he's a different person.

And I hate who he becomes after that.

He talks a lot of shit about you, Carissa, I have to say.

You and your scandalous behavior.

Scott, please do not do this to me, man.

I don't need to get double crossed.

I like Randy when he's at home.

He's quiet.

He just sits there.

What?

But after he comes on here, he comes back home and he thinks he's all head honcho, you know, big man on campus, big man on

bells.

What?

I am BMOC because me and the guys cut a rug, and then I'm like, I'm empowered, and I get home, and I'm like, I'm not putting up with this anymore.

Yeah.

So, I mean, that's the Randy that we see.

We see the Randy who talks a lot of shit and talks a lot of smack and says he's not going to put up with you and you're saying that.

We also see a Randy who, you know, when he talks to us, it tells us about the fact that it sounds like you are Carissa manipulating him in a lot of instances.

Emotionally and physically manipulating him.

Does cut a rug still mean the same thing it used to?

I'm not sure.

Are you a professional rug cutter?

Yeah, that's my current job right now.

And I have a good time at work, so I just repurpose that phrase.

Oh, okay.

And me, I work at Yankee Candle.

What is Yankee Candle?

Oh, okay.

So I help with the smells and all that for the candles.

What does that mean?

You help with the smells.

You help them.

You don't sell the candles.

You help in the development of the scents?

Yeah, I help them with the smells.

So like one of my latest ones is like the hot bar at Whole Foods.

Oh, as a candle.

The entire hot bar.

So everything that would be in the hot bar, like chicken tenders.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So you know that kind of smell where all the food goes together?

Yeah, so it's all very, it's competing pungent smells.

Yeah, I guess.

They have both types of lasagna, the meat and the vegan.

And teriyaki chicken.

And there's often a gumbo in there as well, isn't there?

Do you have Whole Foods there in England?

What do they call it there?

The complete ingestibles.

Okay, that makes sense.

The one thing Barbie and I can agree on, we love complete

ingestibles.

Complete ingestibles.

So I just want to say this is Randy's last time on here.

He's cut off.

What?

He's one of our favorites.

Dafouk.

Randy.

Dafuki.

He's saying Dafouk.

Dafouk?

It is not my last time on the podcast.

Yeah, it is, Randy.

This is it.

So

make it your best one that counted.

Make it count.

It's impossible for it to be the best one.

It's an anniversary show.

I mean, it's always voted on pretty high, but they're always kind of a clusterfuck.

Yeah, that's true.

But have you ever voted on one of those yourself?

You're always like, well, I got to put the anniversary one in there.

So you vote for your own episodes, Randy?

Yeah, I got burner accounts to spare.

Okay, great.

Oh, Randy,

did you get bots to vote?

Yeah, I always buy bots to vote.

Like, unfortunately, that's the world that we live in now, you know?

Like, everything is being infested by bots and the Russians.

And

this is not the Randy that we need to be.

I don't like it when he

ran ain't.

This is what you guys do to him.

You get him all riled up like this.

And I just like it when he's at home.

He sits there.

He's quiet.

We watch Real Housewives, New York, and he doesn't talk.

And then he comes on here and he gets all piped up.

He comes in piped up, I have to say.

Absolutely, because look at what my home life is.

I'm drinking sleepy tea so that I can fall, so I can pass out during Real Housewives.

How dare you say that?

You know that that's my show.

That's my entire identity.

I don't care.

Like, look, you're in front of my boys.

This is my turf now.

All right, Carissa.

So I'm going to put you on blast.

This is yet another.

I'm not going to be your boys, by the way.

I've never considered myself to be boys.

You know what?

Randy, I'm comfortable saying that I have your back right now as you stand up for yourself.

Hell yeah.

Disgusting.

I'm for all people standing up for themselves and wanting to express themselves however they want to express themselves.

So, Randy, that includes you, but Carissa, that also includes you.

This Comedy Bang Bang is an inclusive place where we can all be whoever we want to be.

No, see, I think Comedy Bangs is really just poison for his brain.

You guys infect him when he comes on here.

Sure.

It's cult behavior.

I don't like it i totally disagree i think that this is empowering i come back with wind under my sails ready to call out charissa's deviance and scandal how long does that last though because it sounds like the minute you confront her that she just bats you back down yeah that's true it doesn't last that long

i just want us to be you know like my friends back home like like mackenzie and her guy alec you know they they're what they do is they go to different restaurants and they try different wings and i just want a life like that with Randy.

I fucking hate this.

Are you trying them for the smells or for the taste?

I'm trying it for both of them.

But I thought, you know, we could have our own thing, you know, like me and Randy, you know, maybe we could go to different, different restaurants and, you know, try out the bathrooms, you know, and that could be our thing.

I don't know the bathrooms.

Say try them out and like destroy them or,

you know, try them out.

You know, see, see if you like them, if they're good.

You know,

restrooms are hard to find.

Marjorie,

is this triggering you marjorie do you need to go to the restroom right now i can see you're sort of bouncing around in your seat oh me oh i was just uh trying to get my foot free of the root um i'm sorry but actually also really quick um carissa i i was wondering have you uh do you have any line of yeah i don't know smells from the park system

um i got chlorine

Oh,

just chlorine?

Because what I love most about Yankee Candle is like how all the the smells have names.

You know, like like is it called chlorine or is it called like summer skin six thirty?

It's called uh it's called uh pool pee because you know that's actually what that chlorine smell is is when chlorine.

Oh, yeah, it's not activated until someone actually pees.

Yeah, if you if you're if you're by a pool and you smell chlorine, it's because someone has peed in it.

Yeah, exactly.

Wait, Scott, is that true?

Very true.

Yeah.

Why?

Do you have a pool at your place?

No, never.

But

that just made me so sad thinking about all the pools I've been in in the past.

Sure.

That explains why every time I pee in the pool, I'm like, where's that chlorine smell coming from?

I guess so.

Well,

look, Randy, we hate to not have you on the show anymore, but Carissa has lowered the boom.

So it appears this is your last appearance.

No way.

Absolutely not.

Carissa, I'm just going to get a different email and sign in, and I'll think of some kind of devious password that you'll never be able to guess.

I could guess that right now.

It's all 69s and then and then one, 666.

Damn it.

That's a good one.

That's a really good one.

All 69s and then 666.

Randy, I feel like a lot of times you come on and when you leave the show, you are ready to break up with Carissa.

Like your relationship we, you know, and what I have for, you know, what happens?

Yeah, what happens that draws you back in?

And I can't help but notice, and I hope this is okay.

I'm saying this.

I know we're all on zoom but it appears as though carissa is wearing an engagement ring no

she puts that on she puts it on and she goes out into the community and she's like randy proposed to me and then i puts me in a position where i'm like no i didn't and i look back

well first it puts you in a position where you say defouk yeah dafouk this is deposit

i just want people to think of me as engaged because it makes me you know sexier to other people well are you looking for sex sex from other people you're looking for that it's not that i'm looking for sex like randy is like my rock like my number one but you know like i do i want to look sexy to other people do i want to look hot yeah number one implies that you're looking for a number two though and a number three and a number four yeah you know you don't know you know like i bet randy's got other girls out there Absolutely not.

I'm not trying.

I'm either trying to be at home and like have a peaceful time or I'm going to be out with my boys.

That's it.

Those are the two, the two sides of the same coin for Randy Snuts.

Yeah, I mean, Carissa's a smoke show to me.

So, you know, if you're coming at me for like not wanting to be with her, you better, you're coming incorrect, is what's happening.

How dare you say that?

How dare you imply that?

I've got a question for these two love shows.

Shirds.

Sure.

Randy, turn off your audio so you can't hear.

Okay.

I'm all right.

Here we go.

Carissa, explain this all to me.

How do you rank the following things?

Love,

sex, money.

Put them in a numerical order.

What you like the best being first and what you like the least being last.

Okay, so for sure, money first.

Okay.

For sure.

Does Randy have a lot of money?

No.

But my dad does.

My dad owns cement factory.

The cement factory.

Yeah.

Can I add going into space?

Yeah,

that is one of the things on the list.

Does that supplant your number one?

I think that'd be number two for me.

I think I'd love to go up there.

So first money and then going into space.

Yeah, and then Randy, you know,

he's good at sex sometimes when he's sober.

How often is that, though?

It's so rare.

Yeah.

But it's good when he's sober.

I don't know.

I mean, I don't know what that is.

What makes it bad when he's not sober?

Is it, is he?

He's just, you know, he's not engaged.

Like, you know, he's he's like watching TV and stuff or he's eating food.

The things we all do when we're drunk.

Wow.

You know, this really illustrates to us what an unreliable narrator Randy has been on his past appearances.

He really is.

He's always saying how duplicitous Carissa is and how she cheats on him and how she is manipulating him.

And that this casts a whole new light on things.

This is really interesting.

I mean, it sounds to me like he's a drunk who's not even good at sex.

What about this?

Oh, hey, Randy, you're back.

Yeah.

Wait, Carissa Love, what was your final ranking?

So money first, then space, then I guess sober sex, and then love.

Right.

Okay.

Now, Randy, you've got to rank the following things.

Okay.

Money,

going into space, sex.

Sober sex and drunk sex.

Sober sex, sash, drunk sash.

So what is your order of preference?

what do you like most to least

all right if i had to pick just one i'd say going into space no not just one listen

randy listen randy

all right sorry you gotta rank them okay all right i would pick going into space then i'll pick drunk sex because you get to eat and watch tv at the same time

then i would then i would pick money because you could buy whatever food you want or dvds to watch while you're having drunk sex yeah we know what money is used for.

Yeah.

Then I would pick love because it's beautiful and fleeting.

And then I would pick sober sex because it feels good.

I mean, we'd have to build this list out because those are top five things, like in general.

It's hard to rank them.

Right.

Yeah.

So they're all maybe tied for first for you.

Yeah, I guess so.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

Well,

the Grizz, why did you ask this?

An interesting window into their relationship and why they may have the problems that they have.

Did that clear it up for you?

No,

no, I'm still confused.

I'd be curious.

I was

love.

I didn't mean you.

The Grizz, are you and Lady Amelia in couples counseling?

Is this something that you learned in couples counseling or in therapy of some sort?

I am a couples counselor.

You are a couple of

we didn't know that about you, the Grizz.

You didn't know that about the Grizz.

Oh my God.

I heard you guys was having a big anniversary show.

I just thought I'd check in and say,

who the hell is that?

My shoes.

What the goddamn, what's going on?

I killed you.

You thought you did, Daughter Wilcox, but nobody beats the Grizz.

Dang it.

They told me that when I was going up against you.

You never saw that t-shirt?

I was specifically worn on three separate occasions nobody beats the Grizz.

But I said,

that can't be the case.

I shot you in the heart and the leg.

That's right.

But I had a portrait of the queen done on a tin plate that was stuck right in my jacket.

And the leg thing was not, it was not fatal.

So you are wounded in the leg.

Yeah,

it hurt.

It hurt.

It's

that was, that was, uh, that was tough.

That was tough.

Well, welcome to the show, Dalton Wilcox.

I know you've got a lot of other guests.

I was literally just popping in to say, hi, happy anniversary.

And you can buy my book.

Which one you must buy your wife at least as much jewelry as you buy your horse and other poems and observations humorous and otherwise from a life on the range by dalton wilcox you can pick that up anywhere where there's selling books and even some places where they ain't sure yeah what about the sequel book oh the sequel book yeah uh

you still have to buy your wife at least as much jewelry as you buy your horse and uh even more poems and additional observations from a life still being lived on the range by dalton wilcox who wrote the first book by dalton Wilcox.

Yeah, and that third one, though.

There is a third one.

There is a third one.

I've never seen a cowboy spot.

No, I've never seen a cowboy eat hummus.

And hang on, wait a minute.

There it is right here.

God damn it.

Wait, no, I've never seen a cowboy eat hummus.

And other foods that cowboys have also not eaten in my presence, in addition to poems and observations about living life on the range, humorous and otherwise, by Dalton Wilcox.

Okay.

Very good.

Well,

I'm sorry to surprise you with the presence of the Grizz here, but apparently you didn't do it.

It's the Grizz.

I'm shocked because I swear to God, I thought I killed him.

I went all the way to goddamn England to kill this guy.

And

this is the real Grizz.

This is not the ghost of Grizzly's past.

This is the Grizz.

No, I know that because I'm not asleep.

But

I've been, you know, I've been posing as the Grizz.

What I do is I find a rag and I soak it it in some manure and I stuff it into his shoes.

Sure.

And I put those shoes on, and then I'm the Grizz.

So let's hear a little bit of your Grizz.

Maybe we could have a Grizz off.

I bet, yeah, I've been fooling people left and right.

Look, here comes the Grizz.

I say, oh, what?

I'm an English man, and here I am a chip-chop Cheerio, and it's me, the Grizz.

It's too good.

It's too good.

Which one of us said that?

Well, now that you know the Grizz is alive, are you going to abdicate the role of the Grizz?

Nope.

I think we'll carry on as two Grizzes.

Two Grizzes?

This is unprecedented.

Heck, it'd be only one.

Does the United Kingdom have room for two Grizzes?

No, he's not in the room.

Does Lady Amelia's heart have room for two Grizzes?

She has four chambers in her heart.

Could you each share one?

Lady Amelia is in love with me.

Oh, Byron Dennison, as the new suitor?

She's already in love with the new suitor?

Deeply in love with me.

And she's in love with me, the Grizz.

Well, she's in love with me, the Grizz.

So she's in love with three people.

Three different people.

She's got a big heart, that girl.

She can love everyone in the world.

But she can only take one of us into space.

It's true.

Oh, well, well.

It seems we've got a Manchester standoff.

How are we going to settle this before Sean Annot ascends the stage before Tina Turner?

I mean, it seems unlikely we're going to settle it in this episode.

Sure.

We probably don't want to do it in an anniversary episode.

We want to.

There's like six more people

waiting to get in.

It's going to be really cool.

It should be in a main episode.

I'm happy to table people's time.

All right.

Well, tell you what.

Why don't we?

We're about to go to a break.

Are any of you leaving?

Excuse me while I disappear.

I think, yeah, I'm going to go ahead and sign off, Scott, just to maintain a little bit of energy while I still have daylight.

I understand.

Yeah, but

I'm going to head up to Yosemite.

I heard there was a person in trouble.

Oh, that would be great.

Could you make sure you go through the south gate?

I could choose a little,

three human adults scoots in from the gate by a trash can and a big boulder near a newspaper, but not trash.

Just gallop in, and if you can scoop her off of the ground, that would be onto the back of your horse.

I'm going to go in the west entrance.

And that's a good choice, honestly.

I get it.

Yeah, you're going to have a great approach to the park.

I'll make my way down to the south entrance if you'd like to go.

Enjoy.

Absolutely.

I mean, and I wouldn't discourage it.

Have a great time.

Enjoy that Valley of Light.

Darling,

so great to see you.

So long.

Byron, are you sticking around?

I think, yes, for a little while longer.

Okay, great.

Okay.

But the Grizz, you're Grizz appearing?

You had such a good exit

or Brexit, I guess.

Grizz, the Grizz.

Grexit.

Grexit.

Okay.

Grexit.

All right.

All right.

Grexit, stage left.

Randy, what are you doing?

Scott, we're off to argue with each other in the backyard.

Got it.

Okay, understood.

I appreciate this.

I'll remember every single one of you that sided with Carissa the next time I am on the podcast.

Okay.

Just come up with a new password.

Nope.

All right.

We have so much more show to get to.

But Manchester Orchestra, are you guys ready to play another song?

Yeah, let's do it.

Let's do it.

What do you say?

Which one is this going to be?

Of course, we just heard Bedhead the first single.

And what are you going to play here?

This one is called Keel Timing.

Keel Timing.

What does that mean?

It's up for interpretation.

What does it mean to you?

No, you tell us because you wrote it.

I would much rather prefer to hear it.

No, no, I would much rather you just just explain it because I don't have the kind of time where I like sift through your lyrics and pick out clues and shit.

Just tell me what it is.

This is sort of like a Wikipedia thing.

I think we just go to Kiel and figure out what that means.

Oh, okay.

All right.

All right.

Well, you've grabbed your instruments.

We're all set to go.

Here we go.

This is Manchester Orchestra with Keel timing on Comedy Bang Bang.

Thunder inside my head

Rolling

Thunder inside my head

Rolling

I'm a dog,

you're the cops.

I am rolling

now.

Don't let him in your bed.

The lighting

don't let him in your bed.

He is lying

a little more,

a little more.

He is is by

Sfolden, slowly frozen, changed,

feel

it wasn't right,

it wasn't wrong,

it was whole

lead.

Oh, I think I'll start again.

Slowly

help rearrange my head

slowly.

If I'm no woods,

then you're the fire

in the low

bin.

I was smoking red light, glowing flame.

Feel

it wasn't mine,

but it wasn't wrong.

It was holy.

So

me now.

No, I will not repeat myself.

Sow

me down.

No, I will not repeat myself.

There's something inside my head,

it's crossing.

There's something inside my chest,

it's crowing in

a little more,

a little more.

It is holy.

I've been coping slowly, sloping changed the truth.

It wasn't right

and it wasn't wrong.

It's been wholly.

So love

me now.

No, I will not repeat myself.

So

me now.

Yeah, I

do

repeat my soul.

And there's comfort in the constant quote.

Now I'm awake and I don't know how.

beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

All right, let's go to a break.

We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

You know, when you

think about game day,

you might not think Wayfair, right?

I mean, they're two, one's two words and one's one word, first of all.

That's confusing right off the bat.

And then they're totally different

letters, although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair, and the W and the

Y is in both.

I mean, this is pretty similar, actually.

Game day, Wayfair.

I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair, right?

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They even have decor and merch from your favorite sports teams.

And the best part, Wayfair offers free and easy delivery even on the big stuff.

And when you're talking big stuff, here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day.

I mean, when I say I, I mean Kulop.

Kulop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff.

She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween,

a rabbit sitting with a ladybug.

That, I guess that's year-round.

That can just stay out there forever.

So yeah.

So Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes.

In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day, from coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers.

Shop, save, and score

goal.

Today at Wayfair.com.

That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back.

12th anniversary episode.

So many people left during the break, but we're still here, of course, with Jason Manzukas.

The J-Dog is here.

And of course,

Robert Anandy from Manchester Orchestra, still here.

The Million Masks of God, a great album people can listen to.

I really enjoyed those first two songs that you guys played.

And I'm expecting that's not going to change with the third that we have at the end of the show.

Is that right?

Fingers crossed.

Yeah.

Okay, we'll see.

Have you ever written like two songs and then been like, that's about it.

I don't think I can write another good one.

Yeah, unfortunately, yes.

But we, a lot of people left during the break, but we have someone back here who just joined the Zoom.

And we were roommates for a little while during the pan,

during the Demi.

And

we have

a since then, yeah, during the disclosure.

Full disclosure, during the Demi, we were roommates.

I'm calling it Pandy.

Pandy.

I like it.

Yeah.

Sort of like designer, Pandy, Pandy, Pandy, Pandy, Pandy, Pandy.

Pandy, Mindy.

Please welcome back to the show.

I don't know whether he has it previously, but please welcome back Sprague the Whisperer.

Scotty the Orkman.

How are you, Scott?

Doing so good, Sprague.

So, I mean, I know I moved out, but I miss you, bud.

I miss you too, my bud.

The Zeukesman is here.

Look at this guy.

Sprague, I'll be honest.

I mentioned you earlier at the beginning of the show when people were introduced who had a lot of back exposition.

And I said, Iron Dennison really needed a previous one.

What we need was a Sprague the Whisperer previously on Comedy Bang Bang.

Well, here's the thing.

I don't think Sprague did that.

I think that might have been a Rudy-Dorth thing.

Oh, whoops.

You know, just for the fans.

Look, I'll say, I will say this character, of course, is obsessed with canon, so I could see understanding the mix up.

My sincerest apologies.

That is a Rudy North.

I'm sorry.

The CBD wiki is going crazy right now.

Yeah, yeah, they're constantly trying to update and then delete, then update, then delete.

Have you ever heard this?

Previously, on Comedy Bang Bang.

It doesn't work.

You have such a weak, feckless voice.

It's like a little, I'm like a little cuck.

Okay, I don't know about that.

Well, Scott, I want to.

Let me just say, Scott, I am so happy to be here, but I'm a little bit sad, Scott, because I know it's the 12th anniversary, Scott.

Yeah, we're closing out the 12th year and we're about to embark upon the 13th.

Oh, we've done a dozen years.

And, Scott, I had a gift.

I was going to get you a gift and I couldn't get it, Scott.

Oh, no.

What did you have for me?

So, of course, we all know traditionally the 12th year is the year of the pearl, Scott.

Wow.

I was hoping for a pearl necklace from you.

And yes, Scott, I was going to try to get you some pearls.

So, first of all, I Googled, first thing I did was I was like, are pearls marbles?

Because, like, I'm not sure.

Such a good thing.

Meaning like marbles the kids game?

Yeah, like I remember I was like, okay, I want to get this guy some pearls, but are those just those just marbles, you know?

So I looked that up.

Were there any results?

Did you you get to the bottom of it?

Yes, because it immediately says, it says, we understand why you're asking this question.

That's what Yahoo Answers says.

Okay.

They're very kind.

That's what it says.

It says, I understand why you're asking this question.

And, well, of course, you know,

pearls come from, I guess, the ocean.

Yeah, oyster mouths.

Yeah.

So I, okay, so this oyster mouth thing, I had to really, so apparently they collect sand and through the filtering of it, they create this pearl.

I had a really fun time watching some documentaries about that, Scott.

Okay.

Just took a while.

I've watched a few docs and looked up some YouTube videos.

There's a lot of time-lapse, sort of like descriptions of what it might look like for a pearl to form, but no one really knows.

It's such a mystery, Scott.

It's really funny.

Well, sure, those oysters, they have their mouths closed the whole time.

And when they open it back up, there's a camera.

We don't have cameras inside.

We don't have an oyster cam.

Yeah, we, I think, wait a minute.

Should we figure that out?

Should we figure out an oyster camera?

This is by the way.

That's

a GoPro.

That's a porn hub search.

Got a brother and sister in there.

Are we dripping milk right now?

Is that just a moment?

Oh, no.

We're talking tang.

The tangy brine of the salt water on the side.

I want to know what was happening before I was on this thing.

I know.

We had the grizz here.

All sorts of stuff was going on.

Oh, the grizz was here.

So, anyways, I figured out this clam thing.

So, that was one thing.

So, that took me a couple of days, Scott.

And then I was like, all right, so i gotta get some pills so first of all gotta learn how to scuba dive

oh sure i guess if you really want to go from from farm to table with a person

so i went to one of those resorts where they teach you how to scuba dive in the little mini pool you know and they put the thing on me i could not stop having a panic attack scotty Oh, yeah.

Well, it's tough, you know.

I mean, to have a self-contained underwater breathing apparatus strapped to you.

Yeah.

It really is.

You know, it's a lot of machinery.

And then you're making enough.

And you're not meant to breathe underwater.

I i was gonna say next thing you know you're underwater where it's like that's very dangerous and claustrophobic so right now i'm doing some immersion therapy to figure that out scott but as soon as i figure out how to do that i'm gonna get you some you don't need to get me anything but scott it's your 12th anniversary i i just haven't i feel like i failed you scott no sprag you could never fail me as kind as we are scotty i just you know I came here empty-handed.

I don't know what I'm going to do, Scott.

You know what it is?

You know what I'll do?

Maybe I'll come up with a new podcast idea for Scott.

you.

Well, I don't know.

Maybe I think that might be something.

I mean, it could be the gift of the podcast.

I do have to say, last week we talked about how I'd never seen Space Jamming.

I was listening to that, and I want to say there's at least two episodes because there's

Space Jam 2.

Yeah,

we bring in Langston.

Me, you, Langston.

We watch the two Space Jams movies.

Sounds fun.

All right.

And we do, and I say we do a pod for every 30 minutes.

Let's get it out.

All right.

Look, I'm easy.

Or,

you know, if it's Space Jam, you should do a pod for every character.

Yes, we do it through the character.

And just follow their chronology.

Yes.

What their podcast is.

Space Jam Rashamon.

Yeah, so

what Marvin the Martian's whole experience previous to and then arriving at the game, so we understand his whole storyline, you know, everybody.

Because, you know, I heard in this next one, there's going to be like hundreds of characters from the Warner Brothers IP.

So we could do episodes from the perspective of the guys from A Clockwork Orange, you know?

Or Voldemort.

Or Voldemort.

There's a lot of really weird people in the crowd if you look at the...

Yeah, or what about Ellen DeGeneres from her show?

Sure.

She tapes on the Warner Brothers lot.

She does.

Wait, that's good.

They could pop out.

Okay,

she can just yell at all the basketball players.

Okay, here's what we do, Scott.

We're writing Space Jam 3, which is the Space Jam Rashaman.

So we've got a lot of Space Jam 3, Rashaman Ninja.

Rashaman Ninja.

And we have to go back and follow every character so we can figure out the timeline.

So we can sort of do an endgame sort of like time travel back into like, this was when Lola Bunny was backstage.

Is it like a multiverse?

I think we're doing a multiverse right now.

I think we're figuring it out.

This is a space.

So you're suggesting Space Jam is a multiverse.

Yes.

I'm calling it the Jamaverse.

Okay.

Anointed it the Jamaverse.

Are the characters from the back-in-action verse there?

Because, you know, famously, I wrote one joke in Looney Tunes Back in Action.

Well, we could bring those in, Scott.

We can bring in all the versions of the movie.

I'm experienced here.

We can do it.

We can do it all, Scott.

This is great.

I think this is great.

All right.

Well, Sprague, this is a good idea.

I'm glad to have it.

Jason.

As long as we all are in agreement that

Pepe Le Pew is out.

No, he is cancelled.

Actually, what we do is we do an episode where we say, we want to talk about this, the significance of Pepe Le Pew in this movie.

And then we do two hours of silence.

Okay, great.

Sounds good.

With maybe like in the middle, we do like a four hymns commercial or something.

Can you do two hours of silence?

I'm not quite sure.

No, Scottish.

I would have to mute.

That is John Cage's podcast.

Oh, yeah, that's someone else's pod.

That's oh, yes, I can.

Well, Sprague,

this is a you have a deal.

If we can get Langston, Langston's very busy, though.

So I did come with a gift.

This is great.

Okay, yeah, a brand new podcast idea.

I got a brand new pod.

He's got a new

podcast.

That's pretty too.

Oh, no.

Look, CBB wiki's going crazy.

Check.

Sound speeds.

Wait.

Sound speeds.

Check.

I know who it is.

Hello?

What's happening here?

It's working.

Scott.

Who is it?

Is this Gino?

Yes.

This is Gino Lombardo.

I received.

Gino Lombardo.

You sound so far away.

I am.

I'm all the way out at Hexha State Park at the end of Southern State Parkway.

Almost in suffering.

No more than

that by train.

Is that what the setup he wants?

How do you get that by train?

How do you get that by train?

Southern State Parkway is a highway.

You use a car.

Jesus Christ, what are you?

Comedy Bang Bang listener on any social media platform?

Any other reference to this character is fine.

Hello, Scott.

I'm at a CIA black site.

I'm sorry.

I had to call you.

What?

I'm being deprogrammed.

What happened to you?

Obviously, the last we've heard of you is in your own show, the Gina Lombardo show.

There was a really funny final episode that a great guy

guest starred on.

Yeah, that's right.

I didn't know it was going to be the season finale, but you guessed it on the last episode of season two, and things got a little hairy.

I gained too much clout.

I touched the live wire that is the right-wing comedy fans.

I got a taste of the juice of the success and the money, and I couldn't get away from it.

And shit fucking spiraled.

I had fucking Scaramuch on the pod.

That was fun.

Then I get Jordan Peterson.

Next thing I know, my Patreon's got 25,000 subscribers.

And I'm trying to come up with hot takes about how kids need to get shot and shit, and I don't even know.

Scott, I'm in too deep, man.

The money is too good.

Hold on.

Devin, we should get this clean so we could put it in before.

Previously, on the Gino Lombardo podcast.

No, your voice.

Your voice is too.

It's feckless.

I can't do that.

Also, isn't that Rudy's thing?

It is.

It is.

But I just do feel like that was a pretty good previously on what we needed.

No, we got what we needed.

So

what's happening right now?

Right now, well, I don't want to get into too many details, but the CIA is deprogramming me.

And I'm sorry, I'm a little fuzzy.

It's day one after my shot, so I'm being a little bit more.

Wait, you're just day one on your deprogramming?

No, you know, they are shooting me up every day with assorted.

I got salt pita yesterday, and then truth serum today, and then lying serum two days ago.

I don't know.

It was distilled screenplay pages from Jim Carrey's Liar Liar.

Well, they figured out how to distill it.

They figured it out.

They've been in the lab.

Not exactly.

Not it, but I wish wish

they cracked the liar-liar code.

My goodness.

I mean, Gino, this is, I mean, I'm scared for you, my bro.

You should be.

Are you on the run right now?

I wish I was on the run.

They got me fucking in a

above-ground pool filled with cement up to my waist.

So I'm stuck.

I'm like a centaur where the bottom half of me is an above-ground pool filled with cement.

How do you do number ones and number twos?

I'm not positive.

Okay?

Every once in a while, the above-ground pool expands slightly.

I feel the sensation, like it feels like I'm urinating and shitting, but I don't feel the relief.

It's kind of like

a crack like in an earthquake or something.

You billiga below the pressure there.

I'm scared for you, Gito.

Well, Gino, we need you out of there so you can finally go back to your own show, so you can clear up all of your canon, so then you can come back to this show and it's not worth it.

Wouldn't that be perfect?

Well,

if only all the things that have happened to me have been previously recorded, we can output it in a very easy-to-listen to series for Stitcher Premium.

We could do a third season of Gino Lombardo on Stitcher Premium explaining what's happened to me in my interim, which would allow me to just come back to a podcast that's easy to track down.

Yeah.

And we wouldn't have to go through all this.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, no more Stitcher.

But unfortunately, that's not the case.

That's not the case.

That is the case.

Sports dudes were great.

Sports dudes, I'm a huge fan.

I was able to get those guys in the CIA black site.

We have Stitcher Premier here.

The CIA was one of the few people to figure it out.

They love the interface.

Yeah.

Well, they're always on Reddit saying the interface is great.

Look, Gino, thank you so much for being on.

I mean, and making some time for us.

I really appreciate it.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

All right.

I have to go.

Hopefully, there's some way I'm able to release a third season of the Gino Lombardo show that would premiere sometime in what you are calling Earth Summer.

Okay.

Hopefully, we'll see you out there.

Thank you, Gino.

Bye.

We might need to get that guy at Canon Rehab, Scott, because

he's OD over there.

Well,

wow, an incredible.

Dude, this is just a star-studded episode.

Andy and Robert, what do you think about all that?

I'm blown away.

These guys, like I said before,

these guys are monopolizing too much of the episode.

Cut it down.

Just sitting in amazement, slowly crying.

All right.

Well, we do need to get to our next guest.

They are coming on together.

And

this is interesting.

I guess they're from the world of sports, but I'm not quite sure.

This is the first time they've ever been on the show, maybe, or maybe they have.

I don't quite know.

All I have is their names here.

But please welcome to the show Charles Barkley and Rabbi Bill Walton.

Shaloob Scott.

Hey, Jaloe, Scott Ackerman.

Scott, thank you for having me.

I sure do appreciate it, Scott.

I tell you, I don't really do too many,

you know, podcasticals and things like that.

And I just want to say thank you.

I'm here with my friend.

So really, truly.

Now, you asked me to pronounce your name

Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley, yes.

Charles Barkley.

Charles.

Well, I'm going to let my friend Bill tell you why.

Well, first of all, Scott, happy to be on Comedy Bang Bang

with some of my favorite Spring the Whisperer, one of the great whisperers of all time, from

one of the yin-yang twins to the other of the yin-yang twins.

Wow, he runs the gamut.

Wow!

Not to mention Manchester Orchestra, one of the great orchestras of all time, from unknown mortal to

the

greater

spirit.

There we go.

Marco.

Do you need more help than previous appearances with completing your analogies?

Oh, I made it.

I made it.

Sometimes you just gotta, you know, kill a little time with us and ums.

It's the classic announcer's trick.

You

fill space.

Yeah.

Have you been on the show before, or are you new?

I've been on the show before, Scott,

but not in this capacity.

Carls and I, and by the way, Jason Manzukis, one of the great Jasons of all time, the purveyor of a deli, Jason's deli down the street from me on Oracle Road in Tucson, Arizona, to Jason

Voorhees, Voorhees, Voorhees, one of the great murderers of all time, of course.

Of course,

prolific murderer.

You forgot to mention the Electric Light Orchestra.

Of course.

Thank you.

Thank you, Carls.

I am Mr.

Blue Guy, because I forgot that, and I am sad I missed it.

Do you think they're saying Mr.

Blue Guy?

Yes!

Hey, Mr.

Blue Guy, please tell us why you had to hide away.

You're so sad.

All right.

But Clarles and I are here.

Now, tell us, what is your deal?

Because I don't, I'm not quite grasping what you guys are.

Okay, are you guys Jewish now?

We're Jewish now.

Thank you.

And we're doing what we do for every podcast when it reaches its 12th or 13th year, the bar or pot mitzvah, or as we call it for this one, the Scottish mitzvah.

Oh, I'm not sure.

Now, let's see.

This is a rite of passage to Scott Mitzvah.

Thank you.

Allow me to explain, Scott.

So your podcast is a man now.

No, we thank you, Carls.

I think Bill, actually, Rabbi Bill rather explained it.

Wait a minute.

I have a question, Charles.

I didn't know you were

Carls, like hollow bread.

When did you convert?

I didn't know this was a part of your personality, Charles.

I'm glad you asked, Spray Goo.

Now, okay.

I like that, too.

I converted not too long ago.

I was in Miami and

I was looking for a place that could serve matzo ball soup because I had COVID.

And I heard that that was the best FUD.

And so I walked to this place

and I looked at all the teachings that they had on the menu.

Wait, you went right to the source of where the matzo ball soup is.

It's not a restaurant.

I'm going to do this here.

Okay.

And that's exactly what I did.

I'm a Judaist Okay.

Wow.

And then, Rabbi Bill, I didn't realize you were a rabbi.

I didn't even realize you were part of the tribe.

I became rabbinically ordained when I realized so many podcasts were entering into their manhood or womanhood year, and they needed to be welcomed into it.

Are you going to be on WTF?

Yes, I did a Barmat Marksta.

I did a Bar Markstra.

It is 13th year, and we got into it, and I wept.

I wept the beauty of the occasion.

And Carl's joined me on that, of course.

We do dual because we're each kind of half Jewish, what we know about the religion, and put together one full Jew.

I was there.

I said, Mark, every time I listen to your show, you talk so much about them damn cats at the beginning of the show.

And I just want to hear, I just want to hear the comedian come on and talk about his life.

I want to hear what David Tale got to say.

I don't care about them damn cats.

Mark, I want to hear what President Obama got to say.

Carl Barkley stole Boomer.

We were in there and Carl stole Boomer and ran off.

Oh, Carl's.

I took that cat and I took him right to the zoo.

Because that's where cats belong.

That's not where cats belong.

Cats belong at the zoo.

They're domesticated animals.

It's interesting because some cats, you know, some cats do belong in the zoo.

That's true.

Well, yeah.

Like big cats, yeah.

But I would think if you brought a house cat to the zoo and let it loose, that is essentially feeding that cat, feeding the larger predators.

With someone as big as Charles Barkley, it's like any cat's just like, yeah, fucking Panther, that's like a house cat to me.

I'm a big guy.

So I understand the confusion.

That's exactly why I took the cat.

I took the cat right to the panther den, and I walked right in the panther den.

I said, listen here now, this cat is going to live with y'all.

So feed it right and you know, do what you got to do.

I don't know what y'all eat, birds, turtles, something like that.

Oh, no.

So Boomer's gone.

Boomer's definitely not living.

Probably with the Panthers.

Communicates with animals.

It's incredible.

Carl's head of way with the Panthers that I've never seen.

Are you guys, when you do this, are you going to the zoo like off hours?

Like, are the gates locked?

I just step right over the gate.

Me and Bill just step right over.

Zoos are not protected against basketball players.

That's

their one weakness.

Yeah.

Every zoo disappearance you've ever heard of was actually a basketball player theft all through history.

From the great snake of the Brooklyn Zoo to, of course, the murderer of Harambe.

Rest in peace was killed by Bill Russell.

Bill Russell shot Harambee.

Bill Russell, what?

Huge reveal.

Whoa.

Bill Russell shot that gorilla.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Well, guys, I'm seeing someone else just came on the Zoom.

I hope you don't mind if I introduce her.

I don't know anything about this person other than they are an actor, but please welcome to the show for the first time, Charlotte Hornet.

Hi, Scott.

Hi.

Hey, so nice to meet you.

This is Sprague the Whisperer.

I'm Sprague, super producer.

Of course, Sprague the Whisperer.

Awesome.

Jason Manzukas, who you may remember from The Dictator.

It's nice to meet you, Charlotte.

Did you ever see The Dictator?

I was in a movie called The Dictator.

Oh, wow.

Really?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Is it spelled the same way?

It was spelled D-I-C-K.

T-A-T-E-R.

Oh, here we go.

Here we go.

I'm going to have to maybe get off.

I don't know if I can be around for this, Scott.

This is going to get crazy.

Wait, what?

What do you

just get off when things get crazy?

Here's the thing.

I'm right now

in sort of a sex addicts anonymous right now.

And if this could be tricky,

Scott, it's something I haven't talked to you about, but I don't want to get bitten.

Are you not a sex addict the entire time we were roommates?

I never heard you, you know, getting down or anything like that.

Canonically, that might be the case.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't want the producer to leave.

I feel like the producer should be here because I want to audition for you.

Stick around, Scrag.

Okay.

Yeah, stick around.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

This is an audition to be on the podcast.

Yeah, yeah.

I want it.

I feel like we should have that more often, honestly.

Okay.

Yeah.

A little quality control, you know.

A little QC.

This is Manchester Orchestra, by the way.

This is a Robert Nandy.

They're a band called Manchester Orchestra.

Very nice.

Amazing.

Amazing.

That's awesome.

And then we have Rabbi Bill Walton and we have Harl Barkley.

Hello.

How are you doing?

Okay.

Harls, I'm great.

Harl, is this, this is not the actual Harls or is this

a different Harls?

I think we figured out that it is, these are the people.

They've just changed their names.

Because of their conversion to Judaism.

Becoming Jewish does not make you not a person anymore, Charlotte.

I want to state that loud and clear.

We are two full peoples.

We are two full Judaist peoples.

You're one Jewish man and one non-Jewish man.

Put together.

Yes.

Yes.

And we're standing on top of each other's shoulders trying to get into a film.

Wearing an enormous trench coat.

Like all rabbis do.

Okay.

Yeah.

This is amazing.

This is so awesome to be here.

I'm so excited to be here.

You're welcome.

You want audition?

How can we audition?

Yeah, did you want me to slate?

Yeah, please.

Okay.

My age, my sex, and my location.

Oh, I didn't realize that people slated their locations.

That's like an AOL chaproom thing, right?

Age, I am 31 years old.

Sex,

yes.

No, but really, what's sex?

Sex?

Well, what do you think I am, Scott?

Let's call it.

What do you think?

There are a lot of guests on this show that I say the wrong thing, and I don't,

you know, from Andre P.

Neur

to

Judge O.

Brown.

I don't know who any of those people are.

So, never heard of them.

31 is too old for a lady to be on TV.

You get three

for a lady to be on TV.

Harles, that was Harles.

That's a crazy take there.

Wow.

What's so crazy about that?

Did you see a 31-year-old lady on TV and all this hot diff and 4K, all the wrinkles and things?

Okay, well, this is okay.

Okay,

I'm going to give you a little bit of a.

Okay, Scott, you get four guesses to guess what my sex is.

I would imagine, I mean, your name, Charlotte, I would imagine you're a female, but I don't know.

Wrong.

Keep going.

Male?

No, keep going.

Okay.

Do you want me to just tell you?

I gotta get it.

Okay.

Okay, Sprague.

Doggie style.

No, my favorite position is CEO.

Okay, anyway.

Anyway.

Any fucking way.

I'm actually highly experienced in sex.

So

the answer is.

I don't know that that's going to come in handy on this show, but.

Comedy Bang Bang.

It's not a porno podcast.

Wait, you think this is a porno podcast?

The name would suggest it's a porno podcast, Scott.

Well, sure,

when you have people on like Dirty

Jason Manzoukis, I understand the mistake, you do.

How dare you, Sprague.

Jason Manzoukis, do you fuck?

Do you fuck?

Not in quite some time.

He's talking tang all the time, though.

Sure.

Listen, I'm talking tang.

Yes.

I can understand Comedy Bang Bang.

The title might give you the perception.

It's a funny porno, right?

Yeah.

You know what?

Has there ever been a porn parody of Comedy Bang Bang?

Question mark?

I don't think there has.

I don't think it was popular enough on television.

So I am.

That's too bad.

I feel like Sister

challenged me.

I feel like the producer Spray could literally check right now.

This is something a producer would do.

He's not the producer of this show necessarily.

He's a producer.

He's a good guy.

He has to produce some of the things.

Ninja Films.

Hey, Scott.

Scott, can we start that podcast?

Me and you.

Are you talking tang to me?

Unfortunately, talking tang has

been reserved from Jason Manzoukas.

Talk and tang and drip and milk are

kind of podcasts.

This is my kind of podcast.

Talk and tang and dripping milk.

I guess, Charlotte, here's the question.

What did you expect to do on sort of an

audio porn podcast?

Is it like faking an orgasm like in when Harry Met Sally?

Girlfriend Experience.

Was that a porn when Harry Met Sally?

I don't know.

I guess the title kind of sounds like a porn.

Well, I mean, the faking of the orgasm was

porn.

That was the one pornographic part.

I'm sure there is a porn version of when Harry Met Sally.

Oh, yeah.

Again, I feel like this is the most important thing.

I'd love to see Billy Crystal naked in front of me.

Look, here's the thing.

You know, this is my work computer.

You know, I can't.

I feel like we could easily check anybody.

There's so many people on this podcast right now.

I feel like anybody right now could get on a window and check.

Is there a porno for Harry Mall?

Go out.

Harry Met Sally.

Just open the window and check.

check.

I don't know that we can.

Well, did you want to audition?

Would it be?

Yeah, Scott.

What do you want me to do, Scotty?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't know if I can be around for this quote.

This is getting.

I'm sorry, Sprinkle, but I'm here.

Here's what I think would be a good version of the audition:

is you should

the character that you would play would arrive with a funny, specific, bizarre point of view that would be introduced before any kind of sex happens.

So there would be

so the the audition I suspect would have to do with that that character's unique this is a masterclass in auditioning for anything.

You must come in with a specific point of view.

Don't just say the lines.

Have a point of view for your character that's interesting to the people watching.

Thank you, Rabbi Bill.

Okay, amazing rabbi.

I didn't realize you auditioned for things, Bill.

I thought you were offer-only.

Yes, I auditioned for

My Giant.

I auditioned for the Milly Crystal Roll.

We might need you guys for Space Jam.

The sequel were right, Digger.

I was in the first one.

Oh, yes.

Okay.

Bill, if you were in My Giant, they would have had to pick an even more giant person.

So is that why you didn't get the part?

Well, no, it's because I refuse to let anyone stand near me on an Apple box.

Oh, okay.

Okay, Charlotte.

Yeah, please start your audition.

Charlotte Hornet.

So interesting point of view.

We haven't also, we haven't said my location.

We know where I am.

Hollywood, baby.

Okay, so

home of the Charlotte Hornet.

No, No.

Hornet is my last name.

It's a pure coincidence.

And also, this isn't my government name.

I thought this was a porno.

That's my porn name, Charlotte Hornet.

Oh, oh, okay.

My real name is Charlotte Sims.

So, yeah.

Oh, are you one of the Sims?

Are you one of the famous Sims?

Like the video game?

No, Scott.

That's a bad joke.

Maybe she gets comedy and maybe could do it.

I like comedy.

I like people from Pokemon on this show.

I'm here to do a funny porno.

Is everybody ready?

All right.

I'm ready.

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay.

Point of view is that I walk in.

I'm a plumber, but my pants aren't low-waisted.

I'm wearing high-waisted jeans and I have a belt on, so no ass crack.

Okay.

So, walk in.

Who wants to play with me in this?

I don't know.

Chuck.

Charles.

I'm happy to.

I'm Charles, I think.

Okay, Charles.

Everybody on this podcast is bitch made.

Anybody want to play with me?

I said, y'all said me.

I already said I was this guy got cock at.

Okay, okay, Chuck.

Chuck, it's me and you.

All right, Chuck, it's me and you.

You call me your house, cuck,

cuck,

cuck, cuck, barkley.

Cuck, Bartley.

Got it.

Okay.

All right.

So, Cuck, you, Cuck, I

come in.

Please stop me.

Cuck, cuck, cuck, stop it.

Cuck, cuck, cuck.

What is this?

An SNL schedule?

You remember what?

Several months ago?

This is, by the way,

this is a successful audition.

This is how you get on comedy baby.

You're cracking up right now.

This is a good character.

You're cooking up, as you say.

Okay, great.

I'm ready.

I'm ready.

Okay, so

you called me over because your toilet is clogged, and I am a plumber with high-waisted jeans on and a belt.

You initiate, and I'll go from there.

All right.

Excuse me, Mr.

Plumber.

I took a big old massive dookie in the toilet, and I didn't have no toilet paper.

And so I used an old piece of t-shirt that I had lying around, but I forgot that what I'm sorry, you had a piece of t-shirt laying around just one piece.

Yeah, sometimes I like to rip the t-shirt or the tooth tight around my neck.

I rip it down the front a little bit, and I take a nice little V out, and I have one laying around.

So I just buy V-neck t-shirts, girls.

Hold on, you're not in the scene.

Sorry, sorry.

I thought it was your roommate.

Oh, you live with me?

Sure.

Okay.

Well, this is my roommate.

I'm like, you know, a freeloading part of your pocket.

Well, okay, Scott, don't, you can can show us without telling us.

And that's improv.

And that's actually improv.

Yeah, so show us.

It's not about improv.

She's very good at this.

Okay, I actually studied.

I actually study at the upright citizens brigade.

The porn charity of that?

What?

The upright coccasins.

You got a question here?

Wait, we got a question.

I just had an update.

I did look for the Harry Met Sally.

Oh, what do we got?

Harry ate Sally.

Oh, that's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

It doesn't rhyme with Met, so that's points off for that.

It should be Harry ate Sally's ass for the millennials.

What about why is

Sally afraid of nine, seven, eight, nine?

Right, right, right.

Or it could have been like Harry put his meat on Sally.

That's what I'm saying.

I got to say, Charlotte, you are hilarious.

And also very good at sex.

I will say this.

I don't know that Charlotte even needs to audition.

She's like all the time.

As far as I'm concerned, she's got the job.

I think I've got the job.

If you've got the job, but let's just hear a little bit of the scene with you and Carl.

So, because I was all right, back in.

Red leather, yellow leather.

Okay.

All right.

Here it goes.

Okay.

All right.

So I was taking a big old stanky dookie, and I used a piece of a t-shirt.

You did talk about that already.

And then this is my roommate.

His name is Scott Auckerman.

You may remember him from Just Shoot Me.

And he's one of my favorite actors.

He's a very horny photography student.

One of my favorite actors.

And

he lives with me now because he's falling on hard times.

And I took him in because I'm a nice guy.

At what point do I get to chime in?

Oh, I thought you wanted me to.

I'm sorry.

Please, will you take a look at my toilet?

This is the whole initiative.

Carl's is not a very generous evil.

Will you take a look at my toilet?

Will you please take a look at my toilet?

I would love to take a look at your toilet.

Will you come with me?

Yeah, come on.

It's right in her.

Sprague, by the the way, got so horny, he left the Zoom.

He said it was too much for him, and that's the power of acting.

Oh, my God.

So, I'm- Someone's in here.

Someone's in here.

Oh, shit.

That's my other roommate, Bill Walton.

Here, come back and look at the, see if you can see out back.

I got the deceptive tank.

I pulled it up out the ground.

Why is he, okay, I have so many questions.

Why is he announcing someone's in there as though he's using the bathroom if the toilet is totally clogged?

Bill likes to take baths.

He's probably taking a nice salt.

Well, he also has.

He has Epsom salt bath in his shit-up bathroom.

Okay, got it.

He likes to poop like Tetris, where he's like fitting in between the stuff that's already there, you know.

You all know so much about my bathroom habits.

Thank you.

Okay.

All right.

What you need me to do now?

I'm going to have you turn around, Mr.

Carl Barkley, and I'm going to have to take

cuck.

It's cuck with the H in there, yeah.

Cuck.

Cuck.

Cuck Barkley.

He's a Jewish cuck.

Oh, God.

We have gone off the rails, retired friends.

Speaking of rails, sir, I'm going to need you to turn around.

Okay, I don't get to participate.

What's going on?

Okay, I'm turning around.

I'm turning around.

What y'all about to do?

Yeah, who did you want to turn around?

Both of us?

I want everyone to turn around.

Okay, we're turned around.

Y'all don't want me to move?

All right, we have our backs to you.

I guess Bill Walton has his front to the toilet now.

Bill, I would really appreciate it.

Bill, I would really appreciate it if you put clothes on right now.

I know what you think this is.

You think you're going to run a train, but you're not, because I'm the conductor.

So you're going to have to exit the bathroom, Bill.

Wow.

One of the great dominations I've ever experienced.

I will suck for you any day, Charlotte Hornet.

Tell me what to do.

Step on me.

I'll kiss your feet whatever you ask.

No, I actually want you to leave.

This is not.

Yes, ma'am.

Yes, yes, yes, ma'am.

No, no, Bill, this isn't a sex thing.

I need you to leave.

Oh, baby, I'm out of here.

Thank you so much, ma'am.

I was cooking some Andouille sausage on the stove.

Can I go check on it?

Sure.

All right.

See you, Charles.

I'll take care of the plumber.

Don't worry.

Okay.

Okay.

Hi, Matt.

Okay.

Hi, Scott.

The belt is so high.

And it's on the last loop as well.

That was a detail.

I didn't see.

So you want to get out of here?

Yeah.

Let's get out of here.

Step into my car.

Dingle.

Dingle.

Somebody.

Pizza pizza delivery.

Oh, yes.

I was just making some Anduan sausage to put on the pizza.

Hey, Charles, you can order it with pizza now.

I don't like the sausage that y'all got at that pizza place.

I have a sausage, pizza minus the sausage.

Yeah,

I don't like the sausage that y'all got down at that pizza place.

It's nasty.

I like to cook my own and do it.

I put it over there.

I make a cage of pizza.

Can we have two pizzas in the car?

Okay, your car sounds like a motorcycle, first of all.

Yeah, it's specialty made.

No, this is a motorcycle.

There are no doors.

It's not specialty made.

Why are you going to blow up my spot like this?

This is a motorcycle.

This is a motorcycle, and there's one fucking seat, and I'm not getting in here with you.

I'm going to fuck one of the guys in this house.

Well, come on, but you're going to have to wait about 30 minutes after I eat this pizza because I got to eat these.

I got to take these antacids.

Antacids.

I'm so sorry that we were unable to put lactate on the pizza.

Y'all always getting something wrong down there.

And every time that y'all bring me

a salad, I ask for the salad.

y'all always got too many ingredients on the salad.

Yeah,

we use anything that's left over, anything that's about to go bad, we just put it in and call it a salad.

Y'all put them big old peppers on the salad.

Do any of you assholes care that there is a plumber with a high-waisted jeans and a six-inch waist in your house right now, ready to fuck?

We're gonna pay you, goddammit.

We're gonna give you the money.

You ain't fixed the goddamn toilet yet, you told me.

We can't fuck until the toilet's fixed.

I was just gonna ask, like, do you have a restroom I can use?

No.

Pizzaman, you can come with me to the bathroom.

Okay.

Okay.

I would love to.

All right.

Get a pizza first.

End scene.

Whoa.

Thank you so much.

Oh, comedy.

That's the first one.

Did I book it?

I think you booked it.

Yeah, you're on the show.

We're not going to redact this.

We're not going to react to it.

Am I a series regular on Comedy Bang Bang?

You certainly are

probably recurring.

I can join in now.

So this is a porn podcast, after all, because everyone seemed to know what the fuck they were doing.

Yeah, we were very,

very adept at our scene there.

Yeah.

Wow.

Well, that, you know, Sprague got too horny.

He had to leave.

And we are just about running out of time here, guys.

We need to wrap it up.

But we do have one final feature if you guys are willing to participate.

And that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Scotty, don't dunk, don't you found her on those sweet little plus

You gas just episodes and dicks like Big From Mama's Juicy Jenny

Girls and Boys because we're not an affliction.

Travel new components, come back to the great sin.

Scotty, Scotty, baby, don't you found out all those sweet little bloods?

Ooh, baby, that was the Plug Habit 2 into Deep by Quiet Wyatt.

Thank you so much to Quiet Wyatt.

That was incredible.

Manchester Orchestra, are you ever going to make me a plug theme or what's going on?

You guys make these professional songs and you put out records and you never make me a plugs theme.

We'll do it.

We'll put it on the Wikipedia and we'll make sure.

I'll pull it into the Wikipedia.

I'm still waiting for a song about Hainong, man.

Yeah, no one's ever read that.

Or the Dink Dink Man or the Chronicles of the Dink Dink.

Yeah, rock opera, you know?

Like, challenge accepted, gentlemen.

A concept or something.

What else are you doing during COVID?

You made this album a year ago and then have not written a single rock opera since then?

I mean, apparently you guys consider God's mask more important than the Chronicles of the Ding Town.

Yeah.

I don't know what's going on with Manchester Orchestra.

Well, guys, what are you plugging?

Obviously, you have the Million Masks of God, which just came out on Friday, and people are able to buy it.

And where do you,

if, if people were to buy it, can they buy it from your website or would you prefer they do it in stores?

What do you got?

Yeah, they can buy it at our website, themanchesterorchestra.com.

Do you abdicate all this information to Robert?

Is that what happens here?

This one remember its business stuff.

I drop out.

Your party in the back, Robert, your business in the front.

Okay.

Well, I was conflicted because I also want to say support.

indie retail.

That's also important.

Go to the store.

Go to your local record store and pick it up.

And we've been doing signings for different record stores across the country.

Very cool.

Are you going to be out here in L.A.

at any point doing amoeba records or anything like that?

I hope so.

It's all been, you know, as you know, Zoom performances and stuff like that.

So it'd be nice to eventually get in front of some people.

Yes, in terms of supporting local stores and local record stores, but also to get it on your website, that's like truly supporting you guys, right?

Like that's the best way to support you, the band.

That is correct.

Yes, it is.

One of each.

One of each.

Yeah.

Buy one in an indie record store.

Buy one from your website.

Buy one from the Virgin Megastore, you know?

and then just stream it on Spotify and put those in the basement.

I know, you know, I heard that megastore got laid.

Oh, whoa.

Megastore, fuck.

Throw it down, Jason Van Ducas, with the big joke to close out the park.

Watch one car to watch.

Well, thank you, Manchester Orchestra, and you're going to play one last song for us at the end.

But before we do that, Jason, you got anything to plug?

I'll plug

my podcast with Paul Sheer and June Diane Rayfield called How Did This Get Made, which is also right here on the Earwolf Network.

And also

I voice one of the characters on the animated show on Amazon called Invincible.

Yes, very good.

Based on the Robert Kirkman comic book.

It's really fun.

Another friend of the show?

Everybody to check it out.

Yes, our good friend Robert Kirkman.

Bobby Kirks.

Bobby Kirks, as we call him, all the time.

That's a great show, Invincible.

You can get that on Amazon.

All right.

Let's see.

Rabbi Bill Walton, what do you got to plug here?

I suppose I would rather have my hair be lit on fire than be lowered into a tub of ice water.

That's right.

This is not would you rather, unfortunately.

Excuse me.

You always get that wrong.

My favorite part of getting it wrong is the moment where you have literally no idea what's going on.

I've caught on this your fourth time.

I've finally caught on to what's going on.

But of course,

you're a fan of certain podcasts, I know.

Go to biggrandewebsite.com to see the group Big Grande's podcasts.

You can get a limited edition podcast directly from the group, much like buying records directly from the band.

Or you can go to patreon.com/slash you're the band now, dog, for an improvid conversation podcast.

Wonderful.

All right.

Charles Barkley, what do you have to plug here?

Yeah, I want to

talk about that pizza place that came by the house.

Stop putting those big, big-ass peppers on the pizza because they're only good sometimes.

But also, how are they to know which times they're good and which times you don't like them, though?

It depends on what type of dressing they use.

Italian dressing is pretty good.

At Ranch, those are two I like.

All right.

Other than that, go to patreon.com slash the flagrant ones.

That's basketball podcast.

And they got some other stuff on there, too.

So listen to that.

Listen.

Yeah.

All right.

Very good.

And Charlotte Hornet.

What do you have to plug here?

Okay.

Well,

not too much.

I'm going to be a series regular on Comedy Bang Bang

on the Porno Podcast moving forward.

I guess we're going from humanities podcast into the porno podcast.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's not.

Why not?

I'll beat you to this, Scott.

It's my second time meeting you.

Perhaps people could watch a comedy program that comes on late Saturdays it's called Saturday Night Live but Scott has said it should be potentially called Sunday two-thirds of it is on Sunday morning which is Sunday morning live it's bad advertising it should be one-third Saturday night two-thirds Saturday morning

live live right Sunday Sunday morning Sunday Sunday morning

that should be the whole title that should be the whole what it should just be is Saturday into Sunday night

morning live.

Or like, hey, thanks for watching live.

Or yeah, just like the only two real days of the weekend live, whatever.

You mean

we could pitch if you want to kind of.

Or like only virgins watch this show because everyone else is out fucking.

How about Sunday Night Live?

But everyone who might be on the show is definitely fucking as well.

Okay.

Well, that's good to know.

Oh, this just in.

Cast to Saturday Night Live is having sex with people.

Wow.

Well, I want to plug.

Threedom is my other podcast that I do with Paul F.

Tompkins and Lauren Lapkis.

That comes out on Thursdays.

That's just the three of us sitting around and talking and playing games.

That's fun.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

My friends, Ben and Horatio.

Did you guys want to try something?

Do you guys want to maybe try to sing something here?

Open this.

When you see something open, get a rope up and start to twist.

And you find that you're getting a little eye-missed.

You think you're crying, then you'd know what to do.

Get up in there and do what you do.

You gotta open up the club.

Open it up.

Open up the pub.

Make sure it's not close.

Open up the club.

Make sure you got ice again

and don't

mess around with it.

Make sure you don't

mess around with it.

Don't mess around with it.

Don't make sure you don't mess around.

I see you dancing at the fishing.

Wow, that was exceptional.

That was why can't we plug friends by chicken pluggets?

That was great.

Thank you so much to Chicken Pluggets for that.

And, guys, I want to thank you so much.

Jason, so great to have you on.

I appreciate you.

Thanks so much.

Congratulations.

Happy anniversary.

Of course.

And Carls and Rabbi Bill, I don't know whether we ever really solidified what your deal was, but I appreciate you being here.

Oh, we'll be back.

Okay, great.

And, you know, thanks to our previous guests as well.

We have the Grizz, and of course, Byron Denniston, and Sprague, and Marjorie, and Randy, and Carissa.

I don't think I'm forgetting anyone.

Dalton Wilcox.

Dalton Wilcox, of course.

And I want to thank our new friend.

We have Charlotte Hornet here.

Thank you so much for being on here.

Scott, hi.

Thanks so much.

Oh, so

pretty late to say hi.

Thank you, though.

Appreciate it.

And

the very last thing we have to do here is Manchester Orchestra.

Are you guys ready to play another song?

We are.

Thank you so much for having us.

This has been amazing.

It's our pleasure to have you, one of my favorite bands.

Thank you so much.

And what is this song that you're about to play here?

This one is called Telepath.

Telepath?

Is this about someone you know, a relative?

It's about three generations of sort of the same couple.

Okay.

Oh, interesting.

All right.

I'm not sure if that was the serious answer or

a pull in my leg.

No, that was actually very serious there.

Sorry about that.

Okay.

Oh, no, that's all right.

Everyone has been deadly serious on this episode.

All right, let's hear it.

You guys have your instruments.

Okay, great.

Here we go.

This is Manchester Orchestra with Telepath.

One, two, three, four.

Well, in my mind, you are an old empty apartment.

Sitting on your mother's table next to this hurt.

Carving out our names into each piece of wood and concrete.

Told her I don't have a lot, baby.

You can have my soul.

Baby, do you want me?

Baby, do you want me?

Baby, do you want me?

No, no, no.

In your mind, this is some a new and glorious morning

You ain't never gonna let nobody take that light again

Everyone I know is slowly falling in the ocean I don't wanna be the next to Row I never learned to swim

Baby, do you love me?

Baby, do you love me?

Baby, do you love me?

No, no, no

Well in my mind you are the road I chose to travel

Might as well have been the very last thing I decide

Half the time I'm lost, afraid you just borrowed Don't matter much to me, man, I'm not afraid to die

Baby, are you with me?

Do you forgive me?

You're the one I wanted one hour when I'm old.

Baby, are you with me?

Do you forgive me?

You're the one I wanted one hour when I'm old.

When I'm falling,

when I'm falling.

Oh, wonderful, wonderful.

Amazing.

Guys, thank you so much for being here.

We'll see you next week for the beginning of our 13th year.

We'll see you next time.

Thanks.

Bye.

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There is so much going on in this movie.

So, join me, June Diane Rayfield, and Jason Manzukis, as we break down every bizarre choice and every Ice Cube one-liner on this week's episode of How Did This Get Made, the podcast that makes sense of movies that don't.