Girl Department (Kelly Marie Tran, Mitra Jouhari, James Mannion)

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I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I saw you from across a cafe, and you're the Geico Gecko, right?

In the flesh.

Oh, my goodness.

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Well, that's how Geico gets 97% customer satisfaction.

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Enjoy the rest of your food.

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Uh, so are you just gonna watch me eat?

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If you're gonna stick around, just pull up a chair.

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Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Pure Guava for that catchphrase submission.

Pretty good.

I think that might be the one.

We've been hunting for a new catchphrase submission for

over a decade now.

Is that the one?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

I think the hunt continues.

We're going to keep going.

But thank you to Pure Guava for that submission.

Appreciate it.

And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

My name is Scott Ackerman.

We have a great show coming up a little later.

We have someone who works in the wellness space.

So that'll be very interesting to talk to them.

We also have a mysterious figure.

Oh my gosh.

Wow, that sounds ominous.

So those

people, I think they're people.

I have no idea.

Will be coming up a little later.

But before we get to them, let's talk to our guest of honor.

You know her from

such films as Raya the Last Dragon

and Star Wars.

What, Star Wars?

The just The Force does something.

I've completely erased it from my mind.

Have you really?

Yeah, it was like a fever dream.

But most listeners will remember her from, of course, the Brody South Dakota episode of the Comedy Bang Bang television show.

She has a new movie called The Wedding Banquet, which comes out this Friday.

We'll be talking a lot about that.

Please welcome back to the show,

Kelly Marie Tran.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm going to point this right at your mouth if you don't hear me doing that.

The further back you get, the less we can hear you.

Okay, great.

How are you?

I'm doing really well.

I'm happy to be here with you.

So wonderful to see you.

Of course, I think the last episode we did was on Zoom.

Yeah.

During

what I call the pandemic.

But I don't think I've seen you in person now for a good decade.

I think we you were on the third season of the show.

It seems like it was

2014 or so.

Great to see you.

Neither of us have aged at all.

I feel like that's pointed at me.

Of course, I like to tell the story about how you were on the third season of the Comedy Bang Bang TV show.

One of your first jobs?

Yeah.

And

I know that because I have a Google alert for Comedy Bang Bang.

And when you were in Star Wars, like that was one of your only credits.

And there were thousands of articles coming out.

Oh, yeah, dude.

And all I could do was mention Comedy Bang Bang.

But you were in that episode, and we had a good time.

We really liked you.

And we reached out to your agent about coming back and doing a different, I think, recurring role.

And your agent said, oh, no, she's in England filming something.

And Neil Campbell, the executive producer, said, oh, she's probably in Star Wars, kind of joking.

And we went, ha ha ha, that's funny.

And then you were in Star Wars.

Yeah.

I still can't believe that happened.

What a wacky time.

Pretty crazy.

Do you want to go back to Star Wars ever?

Do I?

I have no idea.

I love to create a show with like you.

What was your character name?

Rose Tico.

Rose Tico?

Yeah.

Rose Tico.

And who are the other people?

Ray.

We've got Adam Driver as Kylo Wren.

Oh, Kylo Wren, of of course.

The villainous Kylo Ren.

Yes, yes.

And he was redeemed at the end by kissing Ray or something like that.

Dude, I'm telling you, I don't even remember.

That's how far in the back of my mind.

What was it like filming that?

Were you constantly in front of a green screen or

were you out in the jungle and stuff?

I would say both.

So a lot of the things that you're seeing on screen in terms of like, wow, I can't speak.

In terms of like ships and aliens, those are all there, but the actual space wasn't there.

So the hard stuff, the ships and aliens are there, but the sky is there.

Exactly.

Exactly.

It seems like they would reverse that, maybe.

You know, maybe you should call Lucasfilm and see.

Oh, I'd love to call Lucasfilms.

Oh, my God.

They don't want to hear from me.

Of course,

you were in a couple of those movies.

And okay, let me ask a Star Wars question.

It's a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, right?

Yep.

Okay.

So

do you think they'll ever like that for the first Star Wars?

It was like 50 years ago at this point, right?

Yes.

Do you think now, 50 years later, they'll like catch up to like Adam and Eve times?

So maybe like you could do a spin-off where like Eve is being tempted by the snake in the Garden of Eden and like you fly by in an X-Wing or something like that, and you're like shooting at Cain and Abel and stuff?

Bro, I think we should pitch it.

That's an incredible

heart attached.

It's happening here right now.

Of course,

Star Wars.

Let's talk about the toxic fan bases.

Number one, in terms of toxic fan bases, the blank check podcast.

That's number one with a bullet.

But I would say Star Wars is like around there.

Yeah, yeah, vaguely.

Have you been on the blank check podcast?

I have not.

Would love to.

But in any case, you had a rough go of it.

But

so why do you, you don't need to go back.

You're in the, you're in the wedding banquet, right?

Correct, correct.

Yes.

I'm completely healed and absolutely over it.

All these Star Wars jerks trying to make everyone's lives miserable.

Oh, man.

You know, it's so funny.

I didn't know that that was a thing.

I didn't know like toxic fandom was a thing.

Yeah, you're just like an actor who's excited.

You get to be in this like laser movie.

So extremely excited, so naive.

I also thought to myself, I don't know if you ever thought this, but I thought,

you know, when I get there, when I'm a working actor, these people are going to be so evolved.

Everyone, because they're not worried about money.

They're going to be thinking about how to make the world better.

And boy, was I wrong.

Who do you mean?

You mean the people you work with?

The people who have money?

I think, I don't know.

I think because I came from a background where my parents were.

What is your background?

Where did you grow up?

I grew up in San Diego, very working-class family.

My mom.

San Diego working-class means.

Well, my dad worked at Burger King his whole life.

Oh, okay.

Really?

Yeah, he did.

Yeah.

He started as a cash register, like at the cash register, and sort of worked his way up to being a regional manager.

Wow.

Yeah.

Did you retire or is he still out there?

In these streets.

Yeah.

He's retired and he's also out there in these streets.

Okay.

All right.

No further questions regarding that.

But yeah, I think because I like just came from a world where I did not know that

being an actor or being an artist of any kind was a real real job.

I just, I really had this idea in my little naive brain that people would be somehow different if they were working in this world.

And then, what did you find when you got?

Because you're in this huge movie, a couple of huge movies, these Star Wars movies.

You're also in Riya the Last Dragon, of course, which is a huge Disney animated film, computer animated film.

What did you find once you became successful?

Oh,

sadness follows you everywhere.

Well, you have one has to heal themselves before

success and money won't change any of that.

Yes.

Any of that, the abyss that lies within one's abyss.

Oh, it's always there.

And even when you're like, I'm healed, it's just like knocking.

It's just like waiting for the right moment.

But now you put that in the rearview mirror.

You don't have to do these stupid Star Wars movies anymore.

Did you ever find yourself like shooting a gun going, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew?

Yeah, absolutely.

We all did that on set.

It was so fun.

It's very fun.

Yeah.

And were you surprised when you see the movie and there's lasers shooting out of the guns?

Were you like, oh, wow.

I think that we all just had fun playing make-believe.

Like, I seriously feel like, I don't know how to explain it.

You just become a kid on those sets.

And then, yeah, I guess you watch it and everything's put together and you're like, oh, it looks so rad.

It's so cool.

It's crazy, though, to be there in basically just a room.

Yeah.

And with a fake gun.

Yeah.

Just going like, oh,

like yelling at people.

And everything takes so long.

Ugh.

How long does it take to film one of those?

Let me guess.

You probably filmed, let's see,

I would think that they take about like two weeks.

You know, that's a good guess.

Pretty good guess.

But the first one I was in, I was there for eight months, but I would say some of that.

Eight months.

Yeah, it was a long time.

But some of that was also like prep time.

And like, you know, they were like, forcing me to work out and all that stuff.

I mean, I did willingly and gratefully.

What kind of workouts did you have to do for Star Wars?

Lots of weightlifting, lots of

bench right now?

No idea.

The minute they say that.

I was like, I'm out of here.

That's a wrap.

I'm Kelly Marie Duran.

You're like, clank, the weights go.

Exactly, exactly.

But yeah, lots of weightlifting, lots of running.

Running?

What?

Sprinting?

I guess, I mean, but that's the thing is, is like,

I don't remember watching that Star Wars movie and watching like a two-minute uninterrupted cut of you running anywhere.

Like, why'd you have to do it?

I don't know.

I honestly don't know.

To keep up your stamina,

I guess.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Does it seem like a different person?

I mean, because

we did all those movies, all those Star Wars movies, and then

the COVID happens.

It just seems like an eternity ago.

Totally.

It seems like a million years ago.

And I also feel like I'm such a different person now.

I would like to think that I've.

In what manner?

So at the time, I was 26 when I was in that movie.

And now I'm 36.

So it's been 10 years.

And I have been to a lot of therapy and done a lot of self-work.

You know, okay, this is actually a good thing.

I'm going to share this with you because no one else cares, but I'll share it with you anyway.

I care.

Okay, thanks.

We at Comedy Bang Bang Care.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, you know what?

That's a good slogan.

Yeah.

That's our new slogan for 2025.

We at Comedy Bang Bang Care.

I love that.

We all need some caring.

Yeah, so I feel like the main thing that has changed is that I've done this self-work to recognize that I'm no longer

looking to other people for validation of the things that I do work-wise.

I think that that maybe was the reason why the sort of backlash I had affected me so much is because I did not know how to separate that from the experience that I had for myself.

Does that make sense?

It does make sense.

And here's what I think.

I think

that the majority of people just go see these films and appreciate them and then never talk about it.

I've said it before.

If you're on the internet writing something, you are a lunatic.

If you are writing an email, check yourself into a mental facility.

If you're on Google Worksheets, Like get some help call call the suicide prevention lines because

why is anyone out there writing stuff on the internet about anything?

Like, I think 99% of the people just go and go, oh, that was good.

I like that.

And they see you and they laugh at your, at your, because you were a fun character.

Rose Tico, of course.

Hey, thanks.

And, you know, you were fun and it's a fun movie.

And why does anyone care about Star Wars?

I don't know.

I don't know why anyone.

Like, why does it take up anyone's headspace at all?

I don't know.

I don't know.

You know what I mean?

The second the credits roll and go, da, da, da, da.

It's like you should forget about it immediately.

But now, of course, you're not doing these Star Wars films.

You're in the film The Wedding Banquet, which comes out this Friday.

Yeah.

Tell us about the wedding banquet.

I've seen this film, of course.

I got, I don't like to brag on this show necessarily, but I did.

Brags, guys.

I did get a screener link.

And, of course, had my name superimposed on it the entire time, as the filmmakers intended.

But this is a remake of the Ong Lee film from the 90s.

Is that right?

Yeah.

That's what it is.

It's a remake.

I mean, they're calling it more of a reimagining because the story is completely different.

It's very different.

Yes.

Yeah.

And it's a story of two gay couples.

And the lesbian couple wants to have a baby, but they don't have enough money to continue IVF treatments.

And the other couple, one of them wants to get married because he needs a great, well, he loves his partner, but also needs a green card.

And so they end up creating this agreement where

one of the gay men is going to marry one of the lesbian women so that they can solve both of their problems and wackiness ensues.

And the couples in question, you, of course, are in one of the relationships with Lily Gladstone, who we remember from Killers of the Flower Moon.

Yeah.

And we have Bo and Yang along with Han Gichan and they're together.

Yes.

And

it's, I have not seen the original, but I read the synopsis of it as the filmmaker intended.

And

it is very, very, a very different thing because it almost is like a comedy of errors in the original, it sounds like, of like, oh no, what is going to happen if the

gay man's family finds out that he's gay and not marrying for love?

And what's very interesting about this film is his mother comes to the States immediately and the jig is up.

I mean, she's like, she sees through it immediately.

Yeah.

So it's a very different plot.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

So Gichon's mother, played by by YJ, who I'm obsessed with.

Yeah, she comes exactly.

You said it perfectly.

You've watched the movie.

I have watched the movie.

All the way to the end.

You weren't just staring at your name the whole time.

I got to admit, I didn't watch all the way through the credits.

Hey, that's.

I kind of turned down the volume as the credits started.

And I was like, is there anything more?

And then about 90 seconds in, I was like, I think I can safely stop this.

You did good.

Was there an after-credit scene?

Didn't Curie come in?

No, there wasn't.

But you know what?

I feel like I have that experience too.

Whatever movie I'm watching.

I'm like, now I feel like I have to stay through the credits.

And I think they did that on purpose.

I think they all gaslit us now.

And now we have to sit through the credits to see if there's anything special.

I know.

And then there never is anything.

And then it's just disappointment.

Yeah, but I do love to look at all the gaffers' names.

I do too.

Yeah.

They're the most important people on site.

They are.

I would say the PAs are as well.

In any case, so this is directed by Andrew Ahn,

who directed Fire Island and

others.

Yeah, Spawn Knight.

Yeah.

He's such an incredible.

How'd you get hooked up with this film?

I auditioned, bro.

Really?

Yeah.

You're not offer-only when it comes to this kind of thing?

No, no, no.

I honestly auditioned for,

I'll get a few offers here and there, but I auditioned for everything.

And I also feel like I'm going to audition for everything forever.

I have no ego about that.

That's great.

I love that.

Yeah, because if you want to get a good part, why not show them what you can do, you know?

Yeah, and also, like, I feel, I don't know if you've experienced this.

I feel like the things that people bring to you without auditioning, it's always sort of like, oh, you've done this exact thing before.

So if you want to do anything,

yeah, we know you can do this.

We've seen you do it.

So just come do the exact thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is a very different role than the Star Wars movies.

Yeah.

And Ryan.

And of course, the Comedy Bang Bang TV show.

The three things I know you've done.

Of course.

Hey, hey.

But

yeah, because you're playing.

I don't want to say it's not a, it's kind of a glow down in a way.

You're not wrong.

Yeah.

That's part of it is

you're kind of playing,

not dowdy, but you're glammed down.

Yeah.

And that's part of the plot is when the mother gets to the states.

Yeah.

You sort of put on makeup and try to act more straight or something.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Totally.

Oh, now I'm like self-conscious that I'm also dressed down in my real life all the time.

No, I would say you're considerably dressed down in the movie from where you are right now.

Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Yeah, it is a different type of character.

And like you said, there is a lot of, I think, conversation around like gender presentation and how people choose to present themselves and how people are judged for those decisions.

Yeah, and Angela's a character, like you said, who's very like, I don't know, can I say butch?

I would say she's like super butch.

Yeah.

And

there's the very funny scene where you're trying to de-gay your house

when you know the mother is coming.

She's about 45 minutes away.

She's just landed, and you're trying to get rid of everything in the house.

Yeah.

And it takes way longer than

expected because everything in there is gay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And

what was it like being on set here?

Did you play pranks on set?

We did it.

Like George Gluteny did.

I mean, mean,

to be on the set of ER with George Clooney.

Can you imagine

the 90s TV NBC month?

That would be so amazing.

I can't imagine.

And then Clooney's playing basketball in between takes.

Amazing.

Amazing.

You sit down on a whoopee cushion when you like

you're a doctor.

Good old days.

Yeah, even the pranks back then, just wholesome pranks.

Whoopee cushions?

Come on.

Come on.

Wholesome.

But so you audition for the role, you get it.

Do you know anyone on set as you're going in there?

No, I had met Bowen once because I went to SNL to see Eggo

and Bowen was there.

We said hi for like two seconds, but we didn't really know each other.

And I didn't know anyone else either.

So it was very much a new environment.

But I will say, I think Andrew, and also all the actors and everyone and the crew, like the environment was so welcoming and it was just really open to improv and being creative and just being silly and and not feeling like you had to impress anyone so it was it was a great environment we all became close really really fast and by the end we were i remember the last week of shooting we were all between takes we'd be like watching couples therapy together and just like dissecting these relationship dynamics and do you still talk to anyone yeah we're yeah i do i do but that's because you know this is very recent oh okay yeah it'll fade.

Yeah.

Don't worry.

The sadness will come back.

There will be a text chain that lasts for a while and then it'll lay fallow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

But yeah, I really.

Are you still on a Star Wars text chain?

No.

Yeah.

No.

No, absolutely not.

But do you talk to anyone from Star Wars?

Oh, my God.

This is so sad.

Not regularly, no.

Well,

it's a very fun film.

If you've seen Fire Island, it's akin to that kind of tone.

And it sounds,

it's weird because the setup of it, the 90s film set is, like I mentioned, it's kind of like one of these, oh no, what's going to happen?

But it's not like that at all.

The film takes a very different direction where everyone just kind of knows what's happening, which is very interesting to see.

Yeah, I would say all the main characters know what's happening and then they're trying to fool like

auxiliary characters.

Yes, yes, yes.

But But it's not one of these things where it's like the birdcage, where, oh no, if someone finds out this, then it's, you know, it doesn't have that feeling of, it's like a feeling of anxiousness, I get, where it's like, oh, I don't want people to find out the thing.

Yeah, it's more kind of just like fun, maybe.

Yeah, exactly.

Comes out this Friday.

How many screens are we on?

How many reels is the film?

What are the stats?

Give me the stats.

God, I have no idea.

No clue.

How long is this film?

102 minutes, about 20 minutes of reel.

We're talking.

Sounds like a six-reeler to me.

That sounds right.

So if you're seeing it projected on film, when you see those little dots in the corner, count the reels.

It'll be about six.

Cool, okay.

Okay, okay.

I don't know what you're talking about, but I am going to count.

You got to see Fight Club.

I have.

They talk about it in there.

Oh, yeah.

Well, go back and watch it.

Okay, I'm one of those people that'll watch a movie and then it's kind of...

You don't even remember the movies you were in.

I know.

It's a problem.

Let me test you on this.

Is it a coping mechanism?

Maybe.

Go Go ahead.

Who is Darth Vader?

He is Luke's father.

This is, by the way.

He's a bad guy, Luke's father.

By the way, this is some of your best acting in the wedding banquet where you have to pretend like you don't know what Star Wars is.

Oh, my God.

That was already written in there before I was even cast, and they kept it.

And I love it.

Well, it's a very fun film.

Go out there to the theater.

There's not a better time to be had at the theater this weekend.

We have to take a break, but we're going to come back.

We have someone in the wellness space.

Sounds like you're very interested in this space.

I'm so interested.

We also have a mysterious figure.

I'm dying to know who this is.

I'm terrified and excited.

All right.

We're going to come right back with Kelly Marie Tran.

We're going to have more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.

Keller Marie Tran is here from the wedding banquet in theaters this Friday.

There is

a wedding banquet in the film, so the title is not lying.

Unlike The Last Jedi,

which

kind of lied.

It's not The Last Jedi because Ray becomes a Jedi.

I want my money back.

Thank you for the plot review.

I'm remembering it now.

Because, like, Luke is, Luke is in that film, right?

Luke is in that film, yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Remember he's like angry Luke.

Okay, so Luke

Skywalker.

Yeah.

Luke S.

Yes.

Lucas.

Lukey boy.

But George Lucas.

Uh-huh.

Lucas.

Luke S.

Yeah.

Luke Skywalker.

Wow.

I see what you're doing.

I see what you're doing.

Genius.

Genius.

Isn't that weird?

It's weird.

I think all the names in Star Star Wars are like, you got Luke Skywalker, right?

So he wants to go like flying around in space.

Yeah.

Han Solo.

He's a lone wolf.

Oh.

Leia Organa.

She's like an organism, I guess.

Yes.

And then Rose Tico.

How does that fit in?

You know, I don't know.

Tico.

She started a tea company.

Oh, right.

Yeah.

That would be great.

I would see.

This is the spin-off I want to see.

Rose Tico's tea company.

Everyone's just calling it.

Yeah, I love that.

Yeah.

Just like the first sitcom.

I love that.

I would love to see this.

We need to get to our next guest.

And this is exciting.

She's in the wellness space.

We'll figure out exactly where she resides in the wellness space, but please welcome Emily.

Hi.

Hi.

So great to meet you.

Pleasure to be here.

This is Kelly.

Hello.

Hi, Emily.

Do you like what we call Kelly or Kelly Marie?

Kelly's good.

Hi, Kelly.

Don't just accept the first thing I offer you.

What do you like?

You like Kelly?

I like Kelly.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

Thank you.

All right.

You're welcome.

Wow.

And Emily, you're, you're, you're, are you, is this a mononym?

Do you have a last name?

Professionally mononymous.

Okay, great.

And personally, you, you do have a last name, though?

Emily, yeah.

Okay.

Emily, yeah.

Emily, yeah.

Emily, yeah.

Emily, yeah.

What's an interesting name?

Ah, okay.

It's great to meet you.

You're in the wellness space, apparently.

Formerly in tech, now in wellness.

Was having sort of a nightmare time working in the tech industry.

And

in what space were you working in the tech industry?

I ran the girl department at SpaceX.

Whoa!

The whole girl department.

Yes.

There was a woman problem at SpaceX, and I was sort of promoted to handle that.

What was the problem?

Just like how they were treated, their lack of presence, all that kind of stuff.

So they created a girl department, Population One, to kind of deal with the problem.

Cool.

Yeah, it was really cool for a while.

Well, did you go up in a spaceship or anything like that?

No, that we were not allowed anywhere near the spaceships or near any of the tech or anything or the cars or the computers or anything like that.

Wait, the car?

I mean, I know SpaceX doesn't make cars.

You mean like you couldn't even take a car to work?

No, they didn't like when we were around any of them.

They like when we're strictly analog.

Wait, wait, wait.

I have a question.

So you said that you are in the girl department and there's only one.

So you're the only person in the girl department?

Yeah, I guess now there is no girl department because I have vacated my position at SpaceX.

Okay, well, it sounds like, I mean, what were your day-to-day duties there, if you don't mind me asking?

I, well, I originally thought that I was going to get to work on the ships and that kind of stuff, which would have been so cool.

Like, hammer away at them or?

Anything, yeah.

Programming, hammering at them, going in them, being around them, whatever.

But I mostly was tasked with nail polish and

clothing.

For yourself?

Because you were the only woman who worked there, it sounds like.

Yes, I was kind of working on some prototypes to see if we could break into the clothing and beauty sector and so like space x branded yes nail polish yeah like silver oh yeah yeah like the color of spaceships yeah you know that from star wars i do know that from star wars yes yes and congratulations oh thank you

so so uh that ran its course yes you ended up uh i had to leave you had to leave yes i was having horrible nightmares every night not sleeping

uh what were the nightmares about do you remember um the one that sticks out to me is I was in my grandma's house

and I was fed a delectable treat.

And I, within the dream, realized that the treat was actually made of wet concrete that hardened in my mouth.

And when I went to the bathroom to, and this is my grandma, my real grandma's house, I went to the bathroom to try to get it out of my mouth and all of my teeth fell out and I started gushing blood.

Oh, God, that sounds horrible.

And that's when I knew it was time to consider leaving.

You think the dreams are related to the time you were having at SpaceX?

Well, prior to that job, I had never dreamt.

Really?

How unique of you.

You'd never dreamt.

So suddenly, you're asleep.

This movie starts playing in your head.

You're like, what is this?

You're being fed a delectable treat.

You're like, this is not bad.

Yeah.

I should do this more often.

This is the job.

This is the girl department.

And then I realized the girl department is wet concrete and I must remove it from my mouth, gushing blood.

Oh my God.

This sounds horrible.

So at that point, you considered leaving?

I considered leaving.

And then I had that dream for six months straight every single night.

Wow.

Oh my God.

This sounds terrible.

So I eventually left.

Yeah.

So wait, so the six months happens and then you eventually left after that?

Yes.

How long did it take from the first dream to you leaving?

Well, I was having that dream for six months straight.

And then after, I was like, I swear to God, if I have this dream for six months, I'm going to leave.

And then I left.

Okay.

So, so six months from the first dream to the last dream.

Yes.

Okay.

And, but that's, that's in your past, much like Star Wars is to Kelly over here.

And congratulations.

We're healed.

Congrats to you.

No more spaceships between the two of you.

Yes.

And what are you doing now?

So I was in a really dark place, and I realized that the thing that worked best for me was self-soothing and little mantras and stuff like that.

So I have put together a deck of cards with a bunch of problems that you could have.

And then on you see, so you sort of pull the problem.

So there's a deck of cards with problems that people might have.

Yes.

And

are you supposed to rifle through the deck finding your exact problem or are you just

okay?

So

you find your problem.

Find your problem first.

Yes.

And

that's part of the fun is finding your problem.

And there are so many problems in the deck.

Truly, if you have a problem, you're going to see it in there.

So how many cards are in this particular deck?

As of right now, we're operating at 2,000.

2,000 cards in one deck.

So you have to search through 2,000 cards to find.

Why can't you just know your own problem?

Why do you have to find the problem in the deck?

Well, you know your problem, and the deck does too.

So then you just have to find it in the deck.

This sounds like it's going to take a lot of time.

Is it alphabetized at all, or is it just random?

If you want to.

Meaning that you have to do it when you receive the deck?

If you want to.

You don't have to, but you can.

Okay.

So once you've, once you, hours later, after you've found your particular problem, what do you do then?

Then you flip over the card and you read what I told you.

So it's a two-sided card.

It's a two-sided card.

So one side is the problem.

Okay.

And then the other side is what I tell you.

Okay.

And these are solutions to the problem or these are.

It's what I tell you.

So sometimes it's a mantra, sometimes, but usually it's like encouraging words.

Oh, okay.

All right.

So let's, Kelly, why don't you offer a problem that you're having currently?

Okay.

My grandmother just passed away.

Wow.

Topical, considering my dream.

Okay.

The dream that you had months and months ago?

Yes.

In the grand scheme of the world, that's topical.

I mean, honestly, anything that's happened in the last 2,000 years is probably topical.

Exactly.

From Jesus dying to now.

So we agree.

Okay, we're in agreement.

All right.

So, Kelly, I'm sorry.

I want to hear this grandma.

What is the suggestion?

Okay.

Your grandmother died.

Hold on.

Okay, you have a giant deck of cards.

These cards, by the way,

are

they not playing card size.

These are giant cards.

This takes up so much room in your house to have all these cards.

It's worth it.

Okay.

Okay.

What do we have?

Look at you, frowning.

Have you ever considered that the sun shines brightest when it is dawn?

And birds chirp lattice when the sun goes down?

So wipe those tears and remember that dancing is happening when no one is even watching, as long as you believe in the dream of what a movie can look like.

Dreams can be real as long as Christmas is different, okay?

Now let me see that smile go big.

That was long.

It was long.

Did it?

How does it make make you feel to know that birds?

You know, I was with you in the beginning, and then I kind of

was trying to follow, and I was having a hard time, I'm going to be honest.

I mean, I think the birds are really chirping the most, in my experience, when the sun comes up.

Yeah.

Yes, that's true.

I mean, not, you know, you were saying at night when the sun's going down.

Usually that's when the birds are like, I'm going to take it easy for now.

But you need to broaden your experience because in different hemispheres, they're chirping at different times of day.

Oh, it's a hemispheric thing.

It's a hemispheric thing, yeah.

And water goes down the drain in the toilet in a different direction.

Why is that?

I don't know.

Like, do you think that's a problem?

Do you think they could make a toilet that shoots water the other way?

I would love to be on the ground floor of that.

You could be in the girl department of that.

I would love to be in the girl department of that where you can kind of bedazzle the handle of the toilet.

Shouldn't men and women have different toilets at home, too?

Like, you go out to a movie theater or whatever, of course, the wedding banquet in theaters this Friday.

Congratulations, by the way.

And men and women have different toilets.

Yes.

And then you're at home and you got to share one with whoever's in your house.

Well, I think everyone in the world should have their own toilet.

I agree.

That they drag around with them.

Yes, they should take it with them.

There's none of this issues about gender-specific bathrooms or anything.

Wet teeth, is that what you said?

Wet seat.

Soaking wet seat from...

And look, no one wants to put their bare ass on the toilet, but when the girlies are hovering over it and they get it soaking wet, I go, actually, women shouldn't be allowed to vote oh my god i don't know about that but uh but i do i do appreciate the solo toilet that you take everywhere with you yes and you can just have it on a little chain yes on a screen drag it around

like spuds mckenzie yes

we are so aligned so how did this make you feel kelly this this you sort of lost you yeah but do you gain any perspective regarding your recent tragedy you know i'm gonna be honest, I don't think so.

Did you hear the part where you make the smile go big?

I did hear that part.

Can you smile for us, honey?

Okay, I.

I got to get a picture of this.

I actually have a really good one.

When you are experiencing sexism at work.

Oh, okay.

Okay, I love it.

Okay, this might apply to you right now.

Yeah, let's tell you.

In a work environment.

Smile so big, honey.

Do you consider

an interview to be a work environment?

I guess you're on a press tour, right?

Yeah, when you're on a on a press tour for me, it's just fun, but for you, well, I guess I'm promoting my deck of cards as well.

Okay.

Okay.

Girls can do all kinds of everything as long as they stand as tall as the rings of the biggest tree in the forest of the city.

And when life hands you lemons, write in your gratitude journal and don't forget to eat the fruits of your labors.

Because the moon is watching, so don't listen to anyone but your heartbeat and dance like no one is Santa.

Not even like Tim Allen and the Santa Claus?

I didn't specify a, I feel like everyone has their own experience of Santa Claus.

Everyone has their own Santa, yeah.

Yeah.

So I wouldn't try to like put a label on that.

This is just about like setting you up.

Does that help you with the sexism you're currently experiencing in this work environment?

Dance like no one is Santa.

Think about it.

Yeah.

So if you were to, if you were to dance

as if Santa doesn't exist or just in this scenario, does Santa exist?

Okay, so think, think about it.

You're dancing like no one one is Santa.

So Santa's watching to see if you're good or you're bad.

So we're working on this binary of goodness and badness.

If Santa's not there, you don't have to worry about good and bad.

So you can just dance freely in the moonlight underneath the sky.

That's right.

There are no repercussions for being a bad dancer.

You know what?

I think I know what's happening here.

I think Emily is just like so much more evolved than me that I'm having trouble keeping

up with the thoughts because I did not understand initially Dance Like No One is Santa, but as soon as you explained it, I was like, oh my God, I get it.

And here's the thing, though.

You've only read two cards of 2,000 and counting.

So once you get through the other 1,998, I think you might circle back around to Dance Like Noah and Santa and know what I mean the first time.

I personally hope I don't have 2,000 problems in my life.

I tend to just have one that repeats over and over and over again.

What is it?

Yeah, what's that, Scott?

You're teasing.

Pretty much just being an annoying person.

Is there a card for that?

Well, I have one that I go to a lot, which is when you feel ugly.

That's this is for me, but I feel like it might apply.

And by the way, I don't agree with that.

I think you're very, very beautiful.

In fact, smoke, if you don't mind me saying,

like a smoke show.

Oh my God.

I'm sweating.

You're a dime piece.

Damn.

Damn.

I hope that's okay to say in this professional environment.

No, it's really good, actually.

I actually don't know what to do when I'm not getting treatment like that in the workplace.

Okay, so

here's when you feel ugly.

Aw, hey, mama, what's up?

A little birdie told me that you're feeling ugly.

Don't do that.

Close your eyes.

Imagine a beautiful woman, not you, someone actually beautiful, like a model or a princess.

Keep your eyes closed all day.

Do not open them because you never know where there's gonna be a mirror or a reflective surface.

With your eyes closed, pretend you are that woman all day.

That's better, isn't it, Mama?

Not bad.

Not bad.

So for me,

if I were to apply that to your situation,

I would say,

imagine someone who's not annoying.

Close your eyes and pretend to be that person all day.

I'm going to find it difficult, to be honest, TBH, to keep my eyes closed the entire day.

I mean, I have duties around the house.

Like what?

Changing my daughter's

diapers.

But if you were a feminist and you had done it enough times, you would be able to do that shit with your eyes closed.

That's true.

So put that to the test, mama.

I mean, it's not bad advice.

What do we think, Kelly?

It's not bad advice.

You know, I'm just trying to soak in Emily's energy, truly.

I like how that one, you addressed everyone who's reading it by mama.

Mama.

What was the choice behind that?

I think that day when I wrote that, I was thinking of my mom.

That's so nice.

Who is your mom?

My mom is Kelly Marie Ben Simone from the Real House Boys of New York City.

Oh my God, we share two first names.

Oh, wow.

I think your middle name is Marie.

I mean, you would know out of any of us, to be honest.

I've never seen the show.

I said it so confidently.

Wait, do you want me to look this up?

I would actually love it.

Who is this?

Kelly Ben.

Type in Kelly Ben Simone.

Kelly Ben Simone?

Yeah, like the photographer Gilles Ben Simone from

the bottle.

I believe your mother's middle name is Killeran.

Killeran.

Oh, so I guess I was thinking of Kelly Marie because she's across the table.

That's probably, but I will say that Killerman and Marie are

two letters that are very close to each other in the alphabet.

They do.

Yeah, they rhyme.

So it's really easy for me to make that mistake.

Yeah, Kelly Bensimone, she's on the scary island season of Real Housewives of New York City, and she is me mom.

Wow, that's incredible.

She, from seasons two to four.

Yes.

She runs a lot and she refuses to call Bethany Frankl a chef.

She says, you're a cook.

And I love when she does that.

What is the differentiation between.

I think to her, it like feels like she's a titanium.

She hasn't called any title.

Yeah.

And she's like trying to talk down.

It's like me with Dame Judy Danch.

Like, I'm just going to call you Judes.

But you guys are friends.

That's true.

Yeah.

We were.

Oh.

Did she die?

I think so.

We had a falling out before that, so I haven't kept up on it.

Rest in power, all who have passed in the history of the world.

Judy, of course, yes,

is still with us.

Thank goodness.

Well, you guys should, you know what?

There's still time to make up.

We should reconnect.

We should reconnect.

Well, this sounds...

I mean, honestly, these cards are so giant.

They're like novelty playing card size.

Yes.

And there's 2,000 of them.

This is a heavy lift.

If I were to buy this.

If you can read Infinite Jest, you can read 2,000 cards about yourself.

Have you read Infinite Jest?

No.

But I'm not going to.

Everybody who's reading that book needs to go to bed.

I don't like them.

How much is this retail for?

What's MSRP?

There's only one so far.

So it's actually not for sale yet, but I'm looking for a distributor of my cards and a printing press to collaborate with.

Oh, okay.

If anyone's listening.

How did you get those printed?

By hand.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

Yes.

And is that why they're so big?

Maybe you'll make them smaller.

I definitely wouldn't ever make them smaller, but I would.

You'll make them bigger then?

Yeah, I would make them bigger.

I would love to make them bigger.

I would love to have a house wallpapered in the cards.

Wow.

Okay.

But the problem with that is,

would they have the problem side up or the solution side up?

Because that's the only side you're going to see if it's wallpapered.

I'm going to throw up.

I didn't think about it.

Okay.

Maybe you could number them, though, and then like, it could be like a choose your own adventure book where it's like, to see the answer to this, go into the study with, you know, number 53.

You should make like a mystery book.

We should go into business together where we do a murder mystery.

I would love that.

I mean, you're obviously so attracted to me.

So I think we would have a really good working relationship.

You are so freaking hot.

I wish the listeners could see how sexy I am.

It kind of makes me feel like.

I don't like to say that to a lot of my guests.

And I appreciate appreciate that because it would mean less.

It would mean less.

It came up naturally in conversation, didn't it?

It really, yeah, it was related to what we were talking about for sure.

And it's so meaningful

to hear something.

I think this is a good compliment and one that I should start giving more.

I think as long as the guest is female,

you should offer that kind of feedback to her.

Is that the kind of feedback you would get at SpaceX in the girl department?

Well, you see, no one really came in the room.

You only had one room.

I had one room.

It was like a closet in like a deep, deep basement underneath one of the bunkers that they had.

They have bunkers, oh, yeah, they got bunkers.

Really?

I haven't heard about the SpaceX bunkers.

There's the Space S, but Space S bunkers that are underneath the facility, and then, yeah, it's like fully stocked with everything that Elon likes.

So, it's got like all the poop he eats for every meal, and like all the book he likes.

Which book is this?

Infinite Jess, right?

Infinite Jess.

Yeah, he's read that cover to cover.

Come stained, rock hard book.

Pages stuck together.

So, yeah, it's basically just poop and infinite jest.

Wow.

Okay.

That sounds horrible.

I'm glad you're out of there.

Thank you.

And now you're doing this.

And now I'm doing this.

Well, put me on the list.

I'd love to have a collection of these car.

I don't know where I'll keep it.

You can clear out some space in your house.

What would you get rid of?

And you can hear me.

Maybe car.

They are, I mean, 2,000 of these is about as big as a mid-sized sedan.

Yeah, it's car.

Speaking of my favorite movie, Old, Mid-sized sedan.

That's a character name in it.

He's a rapper.

Is that a good choice for a character name?

Is that real?

If you're writing a movie, yes.

Mid-sized sedan?

Yes.

I think it's a great choice.

Sure, why not?

Yeah, why not?

Make all your character's names stupid.

Do you know what I mean?

In a world full of

Elizabeth or whatever and Emily, like my name, why not be mid-sized sedan?

In a world full

full of,

what's her name?

Kelly Killerin Bensimone.

Kelly Marie Bensimone.

Well, Emily, we have to take a break.

Can you stick around with us?

It would bring me so much joy.

Because we have a mysterious figure coming up.

Whoa.

Yeah, this is very exciting.

I don't know anything about this person, place, or thing, but it's very mysterious.

And Kelly, obviously, you can stick around, right?

Hell yeah.

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Well, we're going to be right back.

We have more with Emily Bensimone, I guess, is your last name?

Or Emily, yeah.

Yeah.

And more Kelly Marie Tran.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Subject to change.

Comedy Bang Bang, we are back.

Kelly Marie Tran is here.

The wedding banquet comes out this Friday in all good theaters.

And

I mean, anything else you want to say about this film?

I mean, it's

got laughs.

It's got tears.

It's got laughs.

It's got tears.

It's got.

It's fun.

S fun.

This is a good pull quote.

Sfun.

Perfect.

Just apostrophe S.

Yeah, making the headlines.

Sfun.

Sfun.

We also have Emily here.

Emily Bensimone.

Yes.

Now just mononymic Emily.

Emily.

And you've been shuffling through those cards.

Like, you could be a professional dealer

in Vegas.

that is so sweet because I think those are some of the most chic people alive

you got that vest and you get the cards all pliable can you imagine having that many pockets on a vest oh it's like rei but but hot yeah because I love an REI jacket but everybody makes fun of me when I wear an REI jacket but you put on a dealer's vest with all those pockets and you're at work and you get me you get respect you have a trade

you're not some loser going up a hill you have gorgeous hands by the way oh my god thank you I actually um have arthritis really bad, but so it's really sweet of you to say that.

Yeah, I can tell just from the way you're trying to clutch at the cards.

Yes.

But they're gorgeous.

Like just looking at them, they're gorgeous.

It's so sweet.

It's kind of hurting my hands by proxy looking at you try to pick up these cards.

Because of how much they shake.

Yeah.

I mean, why did you get into the cards business if you could barely pick them up?

It just felt like I've already overcome so many obstacles getting out of the bunker.

And like, you had to escape the bunker, by the way.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

There wasn't really a way out.

In a way, it was sort of like a prison.

Were you, I have to ask you, Emily.

Were you brought that you say you were part of the girl department?

Yes.

It sounds to me more like you were recruited by Elon Musk to be the woman that he would try to repopulate the earth with if something were to happen.

That's a really interesting theory because of my aforementioned beauty and sexiness

and that I was underground and alone.

But how do you explain all the important tasks that I was being given?

What were some of the tasks that you would do on the nail polish?

Nail polish and basic.

It seems like he wanted you to look nice and pretty for if something were to happen.

You know, he's out there already trying to repopulate the earth

above ground.

I guess that's a really good point and one that I hadn't really considered.

And

I think if anybody

can reach out to me and let me know if that's what happened to me, it would be really helpful.

Yeah, that I mean, because it sounds like you escaped.

You had to, did you claw through anything or?

Yeah, so I had like stockpiled a bunch of like the infinite jests in the poop and I figured out how to use that along with the nail polish chemicals to construct basically a bomb.

So I made a hole in the wall and kind of burrowed through that.

Genius too?

Shot and brains?

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

This is incredible.

There really aren't a lot out there like that.

Yeah, there are.

Yeah.

It's usually one or the other, right?

According to you.

Yes, yes.

I hate women.

Well, on that note, we need to get to our next guest.

Over here.

Oh.

Oh.

We have a mysterious figure on the show.

Over where?

Right over here, Scott.

I don't see you.

Do I need to turn my head in a certain direction?

Over here in the shadows.

Clearly, you've noticed me me sitting here.

You're in the shadows.

How would I notice you sitting?

Well, you knew that we had to get to the next guest.

Well, sir, but I figured you might just walk in.

You've been in the room the whole time.

Well, surely you've been able to feel my presence over here.

I don't mean to startle you, Mr.

Ackerman.

I wasn't.

Did I sound startled to you guys?

No, you're very confident.

I was terrified.

I was definitely startled.

Definitely.

Okay.

You didn't startle me, though, but so cool.

I'm unstartleable.

I have just like a real, like, cool demeanor.

Like, I'm an an alpha, obviously.

Yes.

Awesome.

Maybe a sigma even.

That's clear.

That's plain to see.

Sorry if I startled either of you.

Kelly Marie.

Emily.

All good.

No problem.

Why don't I step out from the shadows?

Yeah, please step out from the shadows because I'm not really seeing you.

Here I am.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

Hi.

Hey.

Hi.

Do you have a name, sir, or madam?

Or

what do you like to be called?

Sure.

I'm happy to reveal my name.

Can these two be trusted, Mr.

Ackerman?

I mean, I've known Kelly for a good decade since before Star Wars.

So I'm like one of her tight buddies from, you know, pre-fame days.

Buds.

And Emily,

I mean, she's the daughter of Kelly, Killer, and Ben Simone.

I think that just has a cachet

that tells you you can trust her.

So yeah, I definitely think so.

No, wonderful.

Well, Scott,

you don't know me, but I know you.

Okay.

I have some information that I think you might be interested in.

Sure.

Yeah.

I mean, if you think I might be interested in it, then I might be.

I mean, until I hear the information, to be honest, I don't know if I'm interested in it or not, but why don't you hit me?

Well, I work for the U.S.

government.

Does that interest you?

Depending.

I mean,

you know, the U.S.

government has a lot of employees, less now, but

a little bit more.

They pay lots of people back.

Yeah, that's good.

Yeah, because the courts.

So,

you know, I mean, I don't know.

If you work in the post office, that's a government employee.

I couldn't say that I'd be incredibly interested in that.

Well, I don't work in the post office, Mr.

Ackerman.

What I'm about to tell you,

if you don't want to hear it, just tell me now and i'll leave

this is tough

because i need to fill up more time

can we have a clue like yeah give us a little clue do you have a clue let's just say that once you hear about this

there's going to be a lot more that you know about

in the world if you tell me more information i'm going to know more information than i previously that's right you can't argue with that yeah that's a good point i don't know you're picking up quick scott that's why you're the person i wanted to talk to.

I don't know.

We have about probably, if I had to guess, another 25 minutes on the show.

I think I'm out of questions about Star Wars.

All right.

Yeah, let's hear it.

What do you got?

Yeah, let's stop with the...

Do you have any Star Wars questions, though, before?

Do I have any questions about Star Wars?

Yeah.

They can be general Star Wars questions, and Kelly and I can both field them.

Because I've seen them.

You probably know more than I do.

What was it like going on that casino planet?

Sick,

dude.

That was probably my favorite day on set.

It was so fun.

Did you get to really gamble?

No.

But there were like so many aliens around.

Oh, yeah.

And everything was built out and everything was there.

I remember Ron Bergman, who is an incredible human and producer, came up to me and goes, this is the most expensive set you'll ever be on.

And you know what?

He's probably right.

Although, with inflation, wedding banquet might, you know,

because the Star Wars was 10 years ago.

You're right.

With the tariffs?

You're right.

You're right.

Yeah, good question.

Well, that's interesting.

Now I know a lot more than I did before.

Oh.

Thank you for answering that.

You're welcome.

I promise to keep it on the down low.

I don't know whether we have to, but

okay, so yeah, now that the Star Wars questions are out of the way, I think that we're probably good.

Hit me with whatever information you have.

Wonderful.

My name is Randall Handler.

Randall Handler.

That's right.

Okay.

Your name is Randall Handler.

Was that the information you wanted to give me?

That's just the tip of the icebergs.

Okay, I hope so.

Let's not just do just the tip here.

Let's go everything.

All right.

So you're ready to roll.

Look,

let me stipulate: I am ready for it.

Wonderful.

Underneath my trench coat, I'm wearing khaki pants and a white button-down shirt.

Underneath my fedora, I'm bald.

She, how does that strike you?

Again, I'm hoping this is in the tip of the iceberg part because this is not information that I'm necessarily.

Well, Scott, I got to trust you first.

We got to open up a little bit.

Okay, yeah.

How long have you been bald?

Do you mind me asking?

Since I was about 23.

23.

That's, I mean, can be early for some people, but that's when male pattern baldness starts to set in.

I mean,

how bald are you?

Are you like Larry David where you have the horseshoe?

Would you like me to take my fedora off and see for yourself?

To be honest, most people don't get this far.

They're too scared and they run away.

I wouldn't mind you taking your hat off in the presence of some ladies.

Ladies, do you mind?

Once you see it, you can't unsee it.

But I'd prefer.

Hats off.

Okay.

We've got a curious crew here.

Wonderful.

I'm taking my fedora off now.

I promise.

No sudden movements from me.

Just taking off a normal fedora revealing a bald head.

Okay.

Yeah.

That's, I mean, it's pretty bald.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You got a little stubble.

I've got, yeah, I do have a little stubble on the top.

I shave down.

I try to get the monk pattern.

Right.

Yeah.

But I only have the,

you know, there's part of it that's in between.

Yeah.

And so that part I shave down to get it

nice and crisp.

Okay, it looks, I mean, you look cool, I guess.

What do we think?

Yeah, cool.

Serving friar realness.

Thank you.

I've feel like I've been waiting decades to hear someone say that.

I'm just so full of secrets that I never get the chance to reveal them.

Okay, so what other secrets do you have?

Because we've seen your bald head.

We know your name is Randall Handler.

What else we got?

I have a wife and three daughters.

Okay.

Their names are Anne, Beth, and

Grace.

And what's...

Okay, so your wife's name is Anne, and then you have Beth and Grace.

And what's your other daughter's name?

Oh, I was naming my three daughters.

Oh, okay.

What's your wife's name then?

Why not name your wife?

How embarrassing of me to not name my wife first.

My wife's name is Kate.

Okay.

Kate.

Wow.

Great.

How does that strike you?

I mean,

this is a good question.

You know, it sounds, everything Everything sounds pretty normal so far.

Really?

Yeah.

Can you get to the juicy, like, government stuff?

You know,

I mean.

Government secrets, huh?

That's what you're interested in.

I've got plenty that I want to hear.

I mean, I'm not necessarily interested in them.

I just, it sounded like that's you wanted to tell us some.

Well, sure.

I came on here.

You're a podcaster, the host of America's podcast.

I know that you're a patriot.

At Comedy Bang Bang, we care.

That's right.

You're a family man.

You seem just the type of guy to reveal some things to and maybe open up a little bit.

All right.

All right.

What else do you have?

What else do I have?

If you are going to repeat every question I ask back to me,

you are grading my last nerve right now, Randall.

Okay.

Is this a tactic?

A tactic?

Stop repeating our questions.

Are you stalling for time?

What are you doing?

I guess I'm just feeling a little vulnerable right now.

I've never opened up.

I put your hat back on.

I'm putting on then.

I don't care.

You want me to put my hat back on?

I knew that this would happen if I revealed my bald head.

I don't care about the hat and your bald head, but if it's going to make you feel more comfortable, put it back on.

If you want me to put my hat back on, button up my trench coat, get in my car, and go, I'm happy to do that.

We can forget that this ever happened.

We have about probably about 15 more minutes in the segment, okay?

We need to fill time.

We need to create content.

So if you want to put your hat back on, if you want to button your trench coat, whatever you want to do to make yourself comfortable, I just want you to get to the good stuff.

Get to the good stuff.

So this isn't good enough for you?

To be honest, no.

Okay.

This is all pretty standard stuff.

Randall Handler, Kate,

the rest.

Anne, Grace, Beth.

One time I peed my pants at Madame Trousseau's Wax Museum.

How about that?

Oh, wow.

Why?

Because I was drinking water and I was was afraid that if I went to the bathroom

and missed something, they're stationary.

I was afraid that the wax figures would melt.

They've taken care of the climate.

I mean,

obviously, I think there have been some instances where wax figures have melted in a fire or something, but you'd be lucky not to be there during a fire.

Randall, how old were you when you peed your pants at the...

34 years old.

Okay.

Okay, how old are you now?

36.

Whoa.

Haunting stuff.

I haven't told anyone that.

Aw,

sweet.

Is that all you got?

Is that all I got?

Secret-wise?

Can I drill down just a little bit on?

Did you have a spare pair of pants on you?

Did I have a spare pair of pants on me at my trip to the wax museum?

Why are you asking me that?

Like, I'm crazy.

Sounds like you drank a little bit of water and wet your pants.

Maybe if I had a body like that, I would carry spare pants on.

I didn't have a spare pair of pants but i did take the pants off of keanu reeves

what a good guy to take them from i thought so i thought even his wax figure is nice like john wick pants or matrix pants or uh he was yeah he was wearing matrix pants uh

well i think i suppose is i don't think his matrix pants are that different from his john wick pants well i mean i guess i'm not sure the matrix everyone's wearing like S ⁇ M leather kind of stuff.

Yeah, that's true.

He was wearing that trench coat.

Yeah.

And I was like, okay, that's a guy guy who dresses similar to me i could probably take his pants off and put them on and and what's happening underneath the pants in a wax museum oh yeah is everything like to detail you know what i mean uh like his penis well did they do yeah like do they do anything like does it do they just yeah and butthole thank you and taint for one for one and for two and are they putting on underwear are are they are are they oh are the is madame trousseaude's wax museum putting underwear by the way not Trousseaud's.

Oh, God, that's embarrassing.

I knew that if I continued having a conversation this long, I'd eventually slip up.

That's okay.

I didn't know my mom's middle name.

I give you one for free.

When you said it the first time, I let it slide.

But if you're going to continue talking about her,

I'm going to have to correct you.

You want me to keep her name out by fucking mouth?

Well, uh, was there underwear on the Wax Museum of Keon?

Yeah, he was wearing silk underpants.

Silk.

Wow.

That's right.

Okay.

Hoola.

They're treating those wax figures very nicely.

Well, I think it's probably if they had used something like cotton or wool, it'd probably melt his penis off or something like that.

It'd be too warm.

Did you happen to take the underwear off?

Because I would imagine you

yours are wet.

Or did you go commando the rest of the day?

That would have been smart.

I actually put the pants on over my wet underwear.

So you re-wet Keanu Reeves' Matrix pants?

I.

Well, yeah, they were damp on the inside, I guess, when I put them on, but they didn't have the large stain.

Okay.

And that got you out of Madame Tasso.

Now I'm saying it wrong.

And I'll give you that one for free.

Let's just both leave Madame

Tasso down.

Out of our fucking nuts, yes.

So you got out of there, though, unscathed.

No one saw.

I got out of there unscathed.

Were you with your family?

I was.

Kate, Ann, Beth, and Grace.

We're all having a wonderful time.

What about who is this?

Emily, who's the other one?

That's all of them.

Well, no, I mean your wife as well.

Kate.

My wife's Kate.

Okay, but then you only mentioned two other people.

You got

Beth and Grace.

Okay, all right.

Oh, I thought you said and.

Oh.

I apologize.

That one's on me.

I'll give you that one for free because you messed up a different thing instead of the same thing you were messing up.

Okay, we get one of a different thing each time.

Okay, so you got out of there.

Did you leave them at Madame Tissaud's?

Well, briefly, I had to dispose of my pants.

No pun intended briefs, of course.

Aha.

Now we're opening up.

Getting to know each other a little better.

Having fun.

I guess so.

Look, is this what you came to tell me about the time you wet your pants at the Wax Museum?

Well, I just came to, I guess, connect.

Oh,

okay.

Do you have you don't have a lot of of friends or something?

Well, you see,

I normally spend a lot of time on park benches or outside of corporate offices revealing government secrets to people.

Revealing?

Is that what you do mainly with your time?

Is like you're like Kiefer, not Kiefer Sutherland, Donald Sutherland and JFK, you know, you're sitting on park benches and you're like...

Yes.

Or Deep Throat might be another similar comp.

It's a gross name, right?

Disgusting.

It's like anytime you want to talk about the Nixon administration, you got to mention this fucking

blowjob technique.

I almost think he did it to be salacious and make sure that it ended up in the news.

I guess.

Even if he didn't have anything interesting to tell them, at the very least, they would go, well, I met a guy named Geet Deep Throat.

We should probably print that.

In any case, so that's what you mainly do with your time.

Yes.

And people are only ever interested about the government secrets that I have to reveal reveal to them.

They don't stick around and chat.

No.

Okay, well, I never reveal anything to them about myself.

I guess we could get to know you then a little bit better.

I mean, look, I mean, at Comedy Bang Bang, we care.

And that extends to you even.

Oh, thank you.

So I guess

maybe I'll tell you about my day earlier.

Sure.

How interesting of a day.

I mean, before we get into this, look, again, we have about

nine more minutes on this segment.

Like,

what happened in the day?

Look, if you have a better use of that nine minutes, I'll get out of here and leave.

We can wipe this recording and it'll be like we never met.

No, we kind of like you.

You can't wipe the recording.

I have to put out an episode.

Okay, wonderful.

And besides, we've had a dynamite conversation here with Kelly about Star Wars and about the wedding banquet.

We've talked to Emily over here about her playing cards, her arthritic hands.

We don't want to wipe the episode.

Did you ever feel, Kelly, like when you were on set, people just wanted you to play your character and never get to know you on a personal level?

No.

Well, while the cameras were rolling?

While the cameras were rolling, yes, yeah.

But I feel like you're asking me this question because there's a deeper meaning here.

Do you feel like that?

Yes, I do.

Seems like people just want to use you for your government secrets.

They don't want to get to know you.

I've never taken my hat off for

any of these.

You could have.

I don't think anyone cares about your hat.

So, what, you're saying I should just go around taking my fedora off and doffing my trench coat?

If you're constantly taking your hat on and off and opening your trench coat, you're going to look like a weird per.

Well, exactly.

But do it once in the middle of a conversation.

I don't think anyone minds.

Just do it once, see how it goes.

Sure, why not?

Yeah, dude.

I mean,

were you guys startled by his bald head?

No.

No way.

It was fine, right?

You did call, you did say I was giving friar real

fry.

That's right.

Which is a compliment.

Also, by the way, are you asking these people questions?

You know, if you want them to ask you questions, you should maybe ask them some questions.

So when you're sitting down with, oh my God, you know, someone from the Russian embassy and you're passing on state secrets or whatever, are you ever inquiring about their day?

Well, I guess normally in a situation like that, I've read an entire dossier on them.

So I know their habits.

I know when they get lunch.

I know when they go to the bathroom.

I know who they've been speaking to in the last 25 days.

But up till now, you've only been communicating through a dead drop, presumably.

You know, I mean, just ask them some small talk questions.

Jesus, you're right.

Yeah, how about this?

You read the dossier, you see that they love the show

South Park.

Would that be typically in a dossier, by the way?

That would definitely be in a dossier.

So you see that they love the show.

There have been times that I have turned myself into a cardboard cartoon.

Like a cutout.

Like a construction paper, cardboard cutout cartoon just to be able to get close to an asset.

Interesting.

I got to hear more about these times, actually.

You want to hear more about it?

Sure.

I mean, it sounds fascinating.

I guess it's work-related, but there's a lot that went into it.

Yeah.

I mean, did you do it from memory or did you find something on the internet?

Well, so I was like, I think I know what Cartman looks like.

And I sort of did it for memory.

I got a bunch of construction paper at the store.

And I believe he had a teal

hat with a white pom-pom on top.

Probably.

And

like a very ovular face, maybe.

Ovular face.

I think I know what he looks like too, but now I'm sure.

I'm pretty sure.

I mean,

I think if you saw a cardboard cutout that looked sort of like Cartman, you would be like, that's Cartman.

It's actually so scary because I think I've spent hundreds of hours watching South Park and I could not draw South Cartman from memory.

Who can you draw from memory out of that?

Stan, Kenny, Kenny.

Okay, because there's less decisions to make.

Yeah, that's a good point.

So, how did it go?

Did it go over well?

Oh, yeah.

So, I spoke to this guy as Cartman.

Did you do the voice or?

I did sort of an approximation of what I

hey, man.

You're a

you got a.

do you really feel like you're doing an approximation of Cartman right now?

Well, Cartman kind of has a kind of has a gravelly voice, doesn't he?

Yeah, but I mean, I guess I'm not getting okay.

Do it for real.

Come on.

Yeah, you gotta, he says, you gotta respect my authorita.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go for it.

Okay.

For real, but do it 100%.

Do it full out.

Stan.

Come on, dude.

What?

You're not doing the voice.

Come on, man.

Do it.

Do it like you would really do it.

Like you're out in the field.

Like I would really do it.

Yeah.

God, it's just, it's so vulnerable to actually fall into a carman.

Dude, Cartman, dude, Cartman, dude.

Okay.

Dude, Cartman.

Wham.

I got mom.

I pooped my pants, mom.

He does say that in one episode, I'm pretty sure.

Okay.

He's playing video games or something.

Anyway, you were going to give me advice on what I do after I read someone's dossier and they're into South Park.

Oh, I was just going to say, ask them, like, wear a Cartman shirt or something.

And then they see that you like the same stuff as them.

Sounds like you already went.

there pretty even further than just wearing the shirt.

I know.

I was actually so impressed.

So I sort of let it go.

But I think you can also, like, you're learning like a really scary amount of information about people.

So I think you can use it to your advantage and manipulate them into having a conversation about one of their interests.

So how do I bring up something that I know that somebody knows about, but they don't know that I know about?

I mean, isn't that sort of...

Wait, have you?

Like you said, manipulative.

When you said that, you pointed at me.

Have you read a dossier on me?

I have.

Like, what kind of stuff is in there?

I mean.

You're a podcast host.

Okay.

Okay.

Family man.

Yeah.

By all accounts, an American patriot.

I mean, yeah.

That's triton Drew.

You have a swing set.

These colors don't run.

I have a swing set in the back.

Okay.

Swing set in your backyard.

You're looking at that right now.

Well, it's not my fault that it's right behind your head.

And it looks exactly like whose fault is it?

I don't know.

It's nobody's fault.

Why are we fighting?

I don't know.

I like you.

I like you too.

I think we've connected here today.

Thank you.

You seem like an interesting guy.

You're willing to dress up like a life-size, even bigger than life-size Cartman for your job?

Yeah, I mean,

I guess it's just

for work.

They told me to do that, but

I do find pleasure in my work.

Okay, I mean, you seem like a cool guy.

You have three kids.

You have a family who, I guess, loves you and is not embarrassed by you, even though you wet your pants at Madame Tussaud's.

They're embarrassed by me, but only because I love them so much.

Sometimes my daughters

when I drop my daughters off to school, I say, Goodbye, Anne.

Goodbye, Grace.

Goodbye, Beth.

I love you, and I can't wait to see you when we get home.

And they say, Dad, stop.

You're embarrassing me in front of my friends.

I tell them, I don't care if it embarrasses you because

nothing could be less embarrassing than a father's love for his three daughters.

Put that on a pillow.

That's beautiful.

Yeah.

That's gorgeous.

You seem like a good guy.

I know.

You should have more friends.

Yeah.

I don't know why.

It's hard to make relationships in a job like this.

Maybe you could outside of work, you could join some clubs,

you know, maybe

a church or something.

Scientology.

Scientology.

Yeah.

You know?

Get to know all of them.

Well, they do the whole thing with the e-meter reading, right?

Yeah.

Why are you crossing your arms right now?

makes you feel uncomfortable.

Well, no, I'm crossing it like I'm thinking about it.

I could go do the e-meter reading and they would ask me a lot of questions.

That would actually be pretty good.

That'd be a good exercise for you to answer questions you could eventually go clear and then they would build a dossier on me and use that to manipulate me figure out where i'm going what i'm doing two can play at that game maybe two should

i think we have we solved your problem just join scientology i think so all right i'm out of here

can you stick around i'm going to go talk to some people who are boring through our network

do you mind uh Sure.

All right.

We are running out of time.

I'm glad we solved someone's problem here.

I feel like we haven't solved Kelly's.

We haven't solved Emily's, but

regarding your grandmother, who just unfortunately passed away, that's unsolvable.

Unsolvable.

Unless we cure death,

Emily.

I'll get to work.

I mean, get back in touch with your buddy.

Maybe he has some ideas on that.

We are running out of time, though.

We only have time for one final feature on the show.

That is something, a little something, in fact, called plugs.

One plug makes you larger, and one plug makes you small.

And the one that

we're gonna give you

don't do anything at all.

Go ask Ackerman,

who's purportedly tall.

All right, that was Bennerson Schwartz Plane by Randy Smith.

Thank you, Randy Smith.

If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com/slash plugs, and you can be famous for a weekend.

Randy, this is your week to shine.

Enjoy it.

Man.

What do we plug in, Kelly?

Obviously, we have the wedding banquet in theaters this Friday.

Do we not?

We do.

And you also have a Hulu thriller movie, right?

Yeah, that came out on the yesterday.

Well, no.

Oh, shoot.

It came out on March 13th.

Weeks ago.

Whoops.

And tell us about that.

If you don't mind, my lady.

Oh.

I don't mind.

Yeah, it's a horror movie about intergenerational trauma.

We love that.

On Hulu.

On March 13th, which was weeks ago.

So people, obviously, it's weeks ago.

People have been watching this thing.

They've been talking about it.

It's

helped heal some of these intergenerational trauma that people have when they go see a horror movie.

They come out of it going, I feel better about this.

I would hope so.

Yeah.

It's on Hulu.

I'm only bringing this up because your people want me to talk about it.

Do you not care?

I'm good.

I'm good.

All right, fine.

Thank you, though.

But the wedding banquet is in theaters Friday.

Bowen Yang,

who else is in?

Lily Gladstone, Hong Yu Chan, Joan Chen.

Yeah, incredible cast.

Incredible cast.

All right, Emily, what do we plug in?

I hope that sometime in the next few years, you can buy my Earth Mama Gorgeous Queen Self-Care Girl Power Celebration Moon Shi-E-O deck.

2,000 cards in counting.

It will be big.

It will be heavy.

You will have to get rid of your car.

When someone comes to you and they say, I have a new problem, is that like exciting for you?

It's very exciting because I get to make a new one.

Yeah.

Do you feel like though, at this point, all 2,000 of these are the only problems that people have in the world?

You know, what's so beautiful about the world is there are always more problems.

Yeah.

That's great.

And we can hope to solve a couple of problems.

You are so beautiful.

You're just making me nervous talking to you.

Why?

Because I feel like I don't even belong in your presence.

Aw.

Your hands are so gnarled and twisted, too.

Long as well.

Yep.

Wow, they're like those tree branches and into the woods starring Meryl Streeps.

Oh, yeah.

Bernadette Peters, the witch.

That's right.

Yeah.

Not in the movie, unfortunately.

And it should have been the last midnight.

Let's go.

Yep.

All right.

Randall Handler.

What do you want to plug?

Do you think I'm beautiful, Scott?

I mean, look, I can take my trench coat.

I haven't taken my trench coat off, but I can take it off if you want.

I personally would appreciate it if you would leave the trench coat off.

Okay, sure.

That's just a personal choice that I'm going to say.

But in any case, I think you're, I mean, yeah, you're fine.

Look, you're a good-looking guy.

Thank you.

You have a wife.

You have three children.

That's true.

You like to bone, obviously, at least three times.

Three times, yeah.

Look, you got it.

It sounds to me like you have a great life.

Thanks.

Just like, what's the point of having a great life if you don't have friends to share it with?

You don't have family to share it with.

And it sounds like

you're going to make a lot of great friends over there across from La Pu Bell.

Yeah, that's what.

Yeah, I mean, they're your friends.

Yeah, we're your friends.

That's that is just like such a breath of fresh air.

That is just so great to hear.

Yeah.

Comedy Bang Bang cares.

We care.

Do you have anything you want to plug, though?

Well,

I don't have anything personally to plug, except sometimes I play flute down at

La Cuevita in Highland Cool.

What do you mean sometimes?

Is it like a regular gig?

It's irregular.

At best.

It's irregular at best.

Is it like an open mic?

You just show up with your flute?

Well, I like sort of email them every now and then.

I go, can can I get in on the jazz going on?

So it's a combination that's already playing and you're additive to that?

Yeah, just seeing if anybody, you know, dropped out or they needed anybody to play with.

Not a lot of jazz combos have flute in them.

No, that's right.

Yeah.

But so how often do you do it?

It's hard to, it's irregular.

I mean, I've done it four times.

Over.

What period of time?

I guess the entire history of the world.

Yes, of course.

I mean, certainly there were eons before I was born.

Where you were not doing it.

Where I wasn't doing it.

Sure.

So

you could say that I started doing it three months ago.

Three months.

Well, four times in three months is not bad.

It's true.

Over one a month.

It's a pretty.

Exactly.

That's sort of a regular schedule.

How often are you emailing them?

Three times a day.

Okay.

So these are not good odds.

No.

I have a dossier on a man named James Mannion.

As far as I know, he is an improviser and comedian, and he produces a show called Comedian Class.

Give me that one for free, please.

No problem.

He's going to let it slide.

It's his show, not mine.

I've never said it out loud before.

I've only read it on a dossier at the Elysian Theater the last Sunday of every month.

So that will be the last Sunday in April.

And the fourth Friday of the month at the UCB Theater.

Do we get Game Probably with the team, Leroy?

So go check it out.

Okay, that sounds amazing.

I want to plug, we mentioned CBBWorld.com.

We have some great shows over there.

First of all, the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang Ad-Free, as well as every live episode we've ever done.

We have the Neighborhood Listen.

We have College Town.

We have CBB Presents, where people from this show have their own shows like Hey Randy

and

Who Me with the Batman.

So many Eat Prey Dunk with Bill Walton.

So many great shows over there.

Also, Ad-Free Threedom, Scott Hasn't Seen, where we watch movies that I haven't seen.

We're oh, month month just completed where we did movies with the months in the title.

That was such a great month.

Wow, an incredible, incredible time.

Head over there.

If you subscribe for a year, you get the two months free.

And the other thing I want to plug is we still have action figures.

We still have Randy and Carissa action figures.

You can get them available for customers worldwide at figurecollections.com with free shipping with a U.S.

address or in Europe with cheaper import fees at action figureseller.com.

We also, I believe, still have some Sprague and Big Sue action figures as well as tour exclusives of J.W.

Stillwater and myself.

I believe those are still available.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Thank you so much.

That was Simon Frank Peter Plug by Frankie Simon.

Thanks so much to them.

And guys, I want to thank you so much, Kelly.

Great seeing you again.

Great to see you.

Continued success to you.

I hope may you do many more movies, many more TV shows, and not give a shit about what anyone says about them.

You have a wonderful career that other people should emulate, and you do great stuff.

And please come back.

You are now in the Two Timers Club.

Oh, my God.

That's exciting.

And Emily, so nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you.

What are you doing afterwards?

Hanging out with you.

Oh, hell yeah.

And Randall Handler,

hey, when you're here, you're family.

That's the new.

I mean, we care.

Comedy bang bang, we care.

When you're here, you're family.

When you're here, you're also family.

Well, I certainly feel familiar with you.

I do want to see the dossier you have on me.

Sounds like the top four things are:

I'm a podcaster, a family man, a patriot, and they swings it in my backyard.

That's right.

I can fill this in for you if you like.

I can tell you all about me.

Yeah.

So I could have just asked.

Yeah, you could just ask me questions.

Yeah, I'm an open book.

What do you do between 8 a.m.

and 8.30 a.m.

Usually I'm, you know, feeding breakfast to my daughter,

you know, just counting down the minutes till the nanny comes.

Okay.

That's beautiful.

Family man.

I guess I'll put that in there.

Yeah, that sort of does fall under Family Man.

I feel like I probably could have connected that dot myself.

All right.

Thanks.

We'll see you next time.

Bye.

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Hey everybody, it's Paul Scheer, host of How Did This Get Made, a podcast that covers the best, worst movies.

This week, we're diving into the brand new War of the Worlds reboot starring Ice Cube.

Yes, the movie that got got 2% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Ice Cube is saving the world from aliens via his computer.

It's so convoluted, this plot, but basically, if you have an Amazon account, you can save the day just like Ice Cube.

There is so much going on in this movie.

So join me, June Diane Rayfield, and Jason Manzukis, as we break down every bizarre choice and every Ice Cube one-liner on this week's episode of How Did This Get Made?

The podcast that makes sense of movies that don't.