Bonus Bang: Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver, Ryan Gaul (Wet Day Special 2022)

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I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I saw you from across a cafe, and you're the Geico Gecko, right?

In the flesh.

Oh, my goodness.

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Enjoy the rest of your food.

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Hey, everyone.

This is Scott Ackerman, and welcome to another bonus bang.

Bonus bangs being, of course, previously recorded episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we are re-releasing.

And happy

actual wet day.

We, of course, observed wet day on Monday of this week, but this is the actual wet day.

And to celebrate this incredible holiday, which I, of course, don't have to describe to you because you already know what it is, we are re-releasing our very first wet day episode from April 10th, 2022.

Originally, episode number 752.

This is entitled Wet Day Special.

Now, this episode features Paul F.

Tompkins and Drew Tarver as Ike and Spike Mink Salmon.

and Ryan Gall as Doug Gropes.

It's a great episode.

It helped start and kick off this wet day tradition that we now celebrate every single year.

If you haven't heard Monday's episode, this trio returned.

And that's also a very funny episode.

So happy wet day to all and to all a wet night.

And if you enjoy this and you want more, you can go to cbbworld.com, become a subscriber.

You can hear every single episode we've ever done, as well as all of the live episodes ad-free,

as well as all of our other shows like Neighborhood Listen and Hey Randy, just to name but a few Scott hasn't seen.

I hope you enjoy this, and I hope you're spending today nice and wet.

Many Urkels to you.

Whether you fry it, bake it, or broil it, big boy shits are meant for the toilet.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

I have to go.

Oh, really?

So soon.

Something just came up.

Well, I hope my good friend Shimmy is around.

Is he here?

He's still here.

Do you need a gift for the A-Box?

I certainly do.

Shimmy.

What's up?

Hey, Scott.

What haven't I asked you in previous appearances?

I don't know.

My last name?

Okay, what's your last name, Jimmy?

Lincoln.

Shimmy Lincoln?

Yeah.

Related to old, honest honest Abe.

Who?

Abraham Lincoln.

How was the play, Mrs.

Lincoln?

What?

I don't get this reference.

Okay, well, have you ever seen a play?

Let's start there.

So, Angels in America.

All three hours?

They're all six hours.

All six hours.

Really?

Paris Rica as well?

I pay an extra sock to eat dinner on the stage.

During Angels in America.

Yeah.

Well, I got to go.

Okay, Shimmy.

Bye.

All right.

I came back.

Oh, thank God Paul's back.

Welcome to Comedy Bang.

I'm not a clue as to who I am.

Thank you, by the way, to Call Waiting for Godot for that wonderful catch-race submission.

And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

And this is a very special episode.

I'll talk to you about it in a second.

Coming up a little later, we have

two grandfathers,

and we also have a financial advisor.

So that's very exciting.

But you know our first guest, and you know why he is here.

If you are a fan of Comedy Bang Bang, it is the most wonderful time of year, in my opinion.

And maybe you'll agree.

I don't know if I agree yet, but after we fresh this out, after we chop it up, we'll.

Do you need to be visited by three damp ghosts?

Well, you know why we're here.

I mean, obviously, this episode is coming out the day after we're recording it, but we are recording it on April 10th.

That's right.

And so, you know why I needed to have this gentleman on the show.

He is a comedian.

He is an improviser.

He is an actor.

He's a writer.

But most importantly, he's the co-creator of Wet Day, april 10th please welcome back to the show paul f topkins happy wet day

wet day

oh i love it now paul i scott you know i'm a wet day nut you certainly are i mean you you co-created it so of course i start decorating the house on uh st.

Patrick's Day

that everyone else has their shamrocks.

What do you do?

You hose it down?

Yeah.

I hose down my house

every day through April 10th.

Do you like open the windows and just put the garden hose in and just start

to put the garden hose in, you take the garden hose out?

How are the electronics working these days?

Oh, they're not.

Yeah, a total.

You have to buy all new stuff.

Good.

But that gives you an excuse to.

Wet day shopping.

Post-wet day shopping.

Yeah, say wet day boxing day.

Wet boxing day.

Now, as the co-creator of wet day, and by the way, I should say my name is Scott Ackerman and I am the other co-creator of Wet Day.

Is that right?

We are the architects of the wet day season.

Now, do you remember what wet day is?

No,

but I know that it involves

being wet.

Why did we start talking about it?

I don't remember.

And I specifically texted you before we started recording and said, do you remember what wet day is all about or any details at all?

All I remember.

You left me on read.

All I remember is us putting out a plaintive cry to the listeners to please remind us when wet day is coming.

Absolutely, yes.

And they have done their part.

We gave them a date to start reminding us.

Yes, they did.

Two months in advance before wet day.

Yes, that's right.

And here it is, wet day itself.

And we don't remember why we started talking about it.

Yeah.

What happens in it?

That was in the haze of the best of.

It was.

By the way, I left the

pool.

We're in the backyard era of Comedy Bang Bang, of course, but I left the filter on in the pool to hear a little bubbling during wet day.

But I believe the timer just turned it off right now, so I'm going to try to turn it back on.

So that's why I'm on my phone.

I'm not ignoring you.

It's nice because it sounds like you have a water feature.

Yes, it does.

Now, I normally turn it off for the show.

This is maybe getting a little inside baseball.

Baseball is not even as boring as this.

And you're a fan

of both.

That's right.

So, now, what could wet day be?

I mean, what?

I mean, obviously, the decorations, but how else should we celebrate other than doing this show?

I think that maybe you take a longer shower than you normally do.

How long are we talking?

Because I like a good 30, 35 minutes.

By an hour, then.

So, 45-minute shower.

Sure.

Look at every hook and cranny.

Did you masturbate that many times?

35 times?

You can't?

Wouldn't it be great if it took one minute every time?

Oh, it would be good.

Oh, my.

I would not have to clear my schedule for the entire day.

If you are guaranteed, like from

who's guaranteeing you by God,

you'll get into heaven if you don't masturbate within one minute.

That's the God promise.

God?

It took 75 seconds.

Start fixing my halo.

If it takes longer than a minute, you automatically get a new one.

No purgatory.

You go straight to the head.

Yeah, yeah.

Cut the line pass everything.

But then if it's,

what if it's less than a minute?

You think God is trying to get it to the second?

He's God.

Yeah, that's right.

If you can't do that, what's the point?

What's the whole point of him being God if he can't make us masturbate for exactly 60 seconds every time?

You can make it rain, but you can't do that.

Yeah, and I'll be honest, I don't know that I want it to last less than 60 seconds.

I don't want it to last more.

I think 60 seconds is a nice amount of time.

It's a nice amount of time to enjoy it because you get enough, like, oh, this feels good.

Yes.

And then, but at 60 seconds, it's like, what am I doing here?

61 seconds, like, come on.

Second, 61 is like wrapping up.

This is mortifying.

Well, what else could be wet?

I mean, obviously, hopefully, it's raining in your neck of the woods.

Oh, maybe a tree.

Maybe a tree is why.

Why don't you put a tree?

Maybe a tree is wet.

Is wet?

Yeah, I said, what else is wet?

You said maybe a tree.

Christmas is the only holiday with a tree, right?

That's a good point.

Let's start moving trees in and out of the house more often.

Well, I'm saying it doesn't have to be in the house.

Obviously, we don't want people to ruin their floors a lot.

Obviously.

And if you rent, you get in big trouble.

Yeah.

But

you you can put a tree outside.

Yes.

And then open the window and then bend it so it comes inside.

That's not where I was headed, but keep going.

Almost like Charlie Brown's little tree that bends all the way over.

Just like do that so it's like going over the sill.

Over the sill.

I'm imagining over the top right now.

Well, the primary thing, though, is that it must be wet.

It has to be the wettest tree you can find.

It doesn't have to be like, okay, look, some of you live in the desert.

It's just got to be the wettest tree you can find, not the wettest tree in existence.

Exactly, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, guys.

If you live on the bottom of the ocean, obviously you have an advantage.

Sure.

Good old Poseidon with all of his wet-ass trees.

Oh, man, I love him.

Do you think he's the patron saint of wet day, is he not?

Yes, Poseidon, the Greek god, is the patron saint of wet day.

What were you going to ask?

I was going to ask, are the Greek gods still around?

It's interesting because the Roman ones, they're out.

Yeah.

They were like, no, we have confirmation on that.

Yeah, they're done.

They were like,

around the time we named that planet Mars, they're like, uh-uh.

Yeah, that's not what this is about.

You guys have ruined it.

They ruined it for all of us.

And then they took off to another galaxy.

Why didn't baseball stop once people in the stands started showing up in uniforms?

Like, if I were a baseball player, if I worked at Walmart and someone came in in a Walmart uniform, I'm you

with your name tagged.

Yeah.

It's like, come on, buddy.

But I mean, baseball is.

Like, to be a professional baseball player, you have to have an immense amount of talent and skill.

And then a guy shows up wearing your jersey.

He's like,

who the fuck do you think you are?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

Now, should baseball players then try to counteract that by dressing up like Frankenstein?

Okay, this is, I didn't see this coming.

So that it becomes a real pain in the ass for anyone to do it.

Like, you got to get the makeup and the bolts.

Well, then it's, I think it's more of a pain in the ass for the players because they have to play baseball, dressed as Frankenstein.

I was in plays where I had to do shit like that, and you do hundreds of performances.

You're used to it.

I was going to say, what if the players

scout the stands before the game and then they get a good look at some of the people?

And then they go out and they make themselves look like people in the stands who are wearing their jerseys.

And it's like pad, like the jersey.

And they play baseball looking like that.

No, they don't.

It is just, there's a, there's, it's part, it's built into the game where, look, we have all the flyovers and we have the national anthem, we have all this shit.

Part of it is we,

the players get to mock people in the stands.

I like it.

And it's vicious.

It is cruel.

It's like those terrible caricatures.

You know, it's like the Chevy Chase Roast.

Yes.

Where it's like the people are not like

on the other side with feelings.

Yes.

Yes, exactly.

And they love that.

They admit it.

Yeah.

Then whoever, like, whoever your local sports announcers are,

they hope that you have some.

Oh.

Can you imagine not having a local sports announcement?

Some places don't have them.

Can you imagine that?

They have to farm it out to like the bigger cities?

There's places like...

There's going to be one local sports announcer in every city in the United States.

And they have to call games.

Yes.

That they're not at.

Sure.

They have to listen.

Because there's not going to be a game anymore.

They listen on the radio, and then they

do their

paraphrase everything that is said.

I'm getting that basically.

Oh, like a psychic?

Oh, I'm sensing.

Yeah, they have to do a grid minutes ahead.

I'm sensing it in Field Pot Fly.

But how many cities are in America?

I know we've talked about it.

10 and 11?

There's a few.

Well, 50 states.

So

at least 50.

Yeah.

Probably two cities per state.

100.

There you go.

Yeah.

There's got to be 100.

Los Angeles, San Francisco.

Done.

Done.

Las Vegas, Reno.

Done.

911.

Ah.

Do you think we'll ever be on that show?

Doubtful.

I mean, it keeps going away and coming back.

Every time it comes back, I think maybe this is the time.

Nope.

Nope.

Good friend of Tom's.

I've seen people that.

My wife has a huge part in that movie.

I've watched people that got into comedy after I moved here.

Like, I watched them move to town, start their comedy career, and be on Reno 911.

Yeah.

And I'm like, that's great.

It's suspect.

What about the

suspect?

Wait, it's totally sus.

What do you think about the big mouth of it all?

With those characters that are drawn by us.

That is.

Drawn like us.

Not drawn by us.

That would be even worse.

If Nick were like, hey, you got to draw these characters and I'm not even going to

do the voices.

Yeah, yeah.

But the fact that obviously those guys weren't supposed to be us, but enough people said

Paul and Scott.

It was supposed to be David Caruso and Dennis Farina.

Is that right?

Yeah.

And that's a little

insulting as well.

Those two look so much like us that people thought it was us.

Is Is my skin that bad?

I don't think so.

Who are you saying you are?

Oh, Farina.

Oh, okay.

I thought they both had

bad skin?

Yeah.

No, David Crusoe has beautiful eyes.

Does he have beautiful skin?

Oh, that's why he's always outside with those sunglasses.

That's right.

That's why he's always outside.

Speaking of outside,

if you want to keep your skin fresh, go outside.

Go outside.

Speaking of outside, though, water covers 77% of the Earth, wouldn't you say?

98.7%.

98.7% of the Earth.

0.6.

Oh.

0.7 is unhealthy.

102.7% of the Earth.

Kiss FM.

Water the whole office is going to agree on.

And

sometimes.

Water from the 60s, 70s, 80s, and beyond.

Sometimes a whole day will go by, and I won't even give it a fucking thought.

Oh, come on.

I won't even, I'll be like, what, what?

You know what?

It is funny, though, that, like, when I brush my teeth, I rinse my toothpaste out.

I don't think.

That is water.

No, it's just that it's this thing that's coming from that metal thing.

Yeah.

But you were not even processing it anymore.

Like, I'm past the point where I would get in the shower and say, first turn on the water.

Like, I just noticed it.

It's like when you're driving home.

I don't even have blocking every single turn you ever make.

I don't even have the instructions up anymore.

No.

They're starting to curl, like, like peel and curl.

But at what point?

At what point are you aware of water?

It should be on wet day, obviously.

Exactly.

When you are covered by it, yes.

When you're in a pool, the whole time you're thinking, I'm in water.

I'm in water.

That's the whole reason people have it.

Yeah.

I'm going to, I want to swim.

I'm going to move some of this water out of the way to get to the other side of the pool.

Right.

That's what swimming is: is like you're physically moving water out of your way.

Exactly.

Yeah.

And now, if you don't have a pool, obviously, take a bath, you filthy animal.

Yes.

If you don't have a bathtub,

then God bless you.

Those are the two.

Exactly.

Yeah, unlike Christmas, which has a lot of if you haven't got a.

Oh, you have, they go so far down the line.

If you haven't got a pound, if you haven't got a

no, they don't start with a pound.

They don't start with a pound.

No, these are urchins.

Can you imagine being an urchin getting a pound?

Yeah, they start.

Oh, you'd be set for life.

You'd retire.

You'd be like, hey, I'm out of the urchin game.

Guys, it's been fun.

But I'm out.

I love y'all.

You're not like my second family.

We live in the sewer.

Our bad tells us to pickpockets.

He asks that.

So they start with a penny.

Yes.

Penny, then a haypenny.

Please put a penny in the old man's hat.

Yeah.

If you haven't got a penny, then a haypenny will do.

Will do.

They're like, it's fine, whatever.

I like the will-do because it's like

they know they're being a little cheeky.

I guess.

Like, to them, a haypenny is still a lot.

Do they know a haypenny?

Or do we know it and they're just being cheeky?

I think we both know it and we're having fun.

Okay.

Got it.

It's Christmas.

Well, this brings up the point.

What are the wet day carols?

Because there should be songs.

You're not a huge fan of Christmas carols, but you're the biggest fan I know of wet day carols.

Why did you say that?

I thought that you didn't like Christmas music.

No, I like Christmas music.

I did a bit once about how

Chris Rock taught us that.

Comedy is truth of Avalon B taught us that.

So, but what are the wet day songs that should be there?

I mean, first of all, let's look at the Wet S Pussy.

Yeah, WAP.

Number one with a bullet.

It's gotta to be.

It's the

first sonnet title.

Yes.

It's got to be.

Is there, I mean, look, the best band for Wet Day is Wet, Wet, Wet.

Wet, Wet.

Of course.

I'm trying to think of any other song that has wet in it.

Do you think they would have?

Gonna Make You Sweat?

Is that a Wet Day song?

I mean, if you're sweating, you're wet.

But it also has wet in the title, but just it's got the gonna make you sweat or gonna make you S.

Do you think if you take this the S off of sweat, it's wet?

It's wheat, at least.

Wheat.

Bringing in the sheaves, which is about wheat, which you could pronounce wet.

That's true.

As we've established.

Great.

So these are all great songs to listen to all wet day.

Absolutely.

All wet day long.

The entire discography of wet, wet, wet, wet ass pussy.

Bringing in the sheaves.

What Mariah Carey make you sweat?

What does she have anything with wet?

Someone please make a Spotify wet day playlist with just that.

Yes, because we've run out.

Does Mariah Carey have a song with wet in the in the title?

God,

what could be, let's see, Wet,

Wet.

Wetterfly.

Witter?

Wetstisy?

Wetter?

I'm trying to think of Witter.

Wetter?

Wetter?

Wetter?

Hello?

Hello?

Wetter?

I don't know.

Mariah, get on this, please.

We need more music to listen to.

You can only listen to Wet Ass Pussy probably.

A million times.

One million times.

But then, like in Christmas tradition, various covers of these songs.

Yes.

Now, what is the jingle bells of

is Wet Ass Pussy the jingle bells of

wet day songs?

Then there's Wet Ass Pussy rock.

Because jingle bells in every Christmas song, they'll usually end by going ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Classic out.

So, how does Wet Ass Pussy go?

What's the melody of that?

If there's a discernible one, Wet Ass Pussy.

Wet Ass Pussy.

There's some whores in this house.

There's some pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump.

So maybe that at the end.

I think it's some whores in the house.

Every song ends with there's some whores in this house.

So it's like, okay, you're listening.

You're listening to me.

Rejoicing, bringing in.

There's some whores in this house.

There's some whores in this house.

There's some whores.

It's perfect.

Yeah.

This is good wet day stuff.

And look, I know that you're all hearing this podcast the day after wet day.

So it's not even making sense necessarily because now you have to wait another 360 days.

I know, you got like a wet day hangover.

You know what?

Stop this right now, dry off.

We're going to talk about this for a long time.

Um, and save it for next week, save it for next week, or at least the week before wet day, or

whenever we ask people to remind us about it.

Yes, exactly.

Two months, sacred day.

That is sort of wet day eve.

In my that is, yes.

I mean, uh,

you know, the 12 days of Oscar, of course.

Uh, wet day eve is the two months before.

That's right.

So, have we talked about wet day?

No, I think we've satisfied the wet day requirement.

We have talked about wet day at this point.

Yeah.

We are both sopping, sopping wet, obviously.

Drenched.

I'm ringing wet.

Yes.

And both separate.

And I'm 120 pounds.

Soaking hot.

You are.

I figured out I'm much heavier if I'm dry.

You're a 98-pound weekly, usually.

That's right.

That adds 22 pounds.

That's right.

I have just a big head on a scrawny body like Captain America.

That would delight me to no end if one day you showed up and you were super jacked and you were like, oh, I got that Captain America thing.

Hey, it's real.

Yeah.

You'd be delighted.

You wouldn't be like, freaked out.

I would be jealous.

More than freaked out.

I'd be happy for you.

I'd save some for you.

You'd save me some super soldier serum.

I'd save you some triple-S, yeah.

Oh, thank you so much.

That's so nice of you.

How much, though?

Enough.

Enough to what?

To make you almost as super as me?

Oh, so you'll save me 49%?

No, not like 1%.

You'll only save me 1%?

No, no, no.

I'm saying I would only be 1% more super than you.

So wait, so 55?

No, 50.5% versus 49.5%?

Wouldn't it be 99%?

Huh?

No, you get 50.5% of the serum.

I'm splitting it with you.

I'm getting you your own dose.

Oh.

Scott, what do you take me for?

You think I'm going to dilute the super soldier?

You're going to be two half super soap soldiers?

Okay, so you're getting, so you're getting me a 99%

of the other dose.

I'm getting pouring out 1% of the other dose.

Yeah, I'm just pouring out 1% for the home.

Of course,

for Steve Rogers.

Who, of course, is old and dated and remarvised.

Lauren, I hope you're not listening to this.

Oh, my God.

I almost spoiled it for her new coverage.

Did you watch that Agent Carter TV show?

I did.

Man, I had a crush on her.

On which one?

Agent Carter.

Or Agent, the titular?

Yes.

Speaking of titular.

Come on.

That's what crush you're talking about.

I'm so sorry.

I want to hear such language about the crush.

What would you, what would, realistically, what would you do if

suddenly what I can't remember her name, but Agent Carter, Haley Atwell, were to, I'm not even saying she'd show up at your door, but like you ran into her at Little Dom's or something.

Right.

And it was just like, Paul, I got to be with you.

I've heard this comedy bang bang episode and I was a big fan before.

Yeah, sure.

But I got to be with you.

Who, who, I mean, how surprising would that be if she had any idea who I was?

That would be the biggest surprise.

Who is the person that you would be the most delighted to discover knew who you were?

Knew who I was?

Well, I, you know, like, had a, had like a strong knowledge of who you were.

Not like they're not like a super fan necessarily, but they're like, oh, I absolutely know who that guy is.

Well, like, it was, it was very uh uh uh gratifying to hear Neil Patrick Harris, of course, being a fan of the show and uh uh several musicians out there.

But I think uh Tandy Newton,

sure, that's a good one.

I'd i'd enjoy that if she was like i listen to every episode in between westworld takes when i'm lying on the slab nude as a jaybird in between takes not in between setups nope in between takes hand me my headphones i've got to put my butts back in no i don't need the robe just the headphones it's a solo polo innit

I would love it.

Although I believe I'm mispronouncing her name the way she came out and saying, hey, everyone's been mispronouncing my name.

It's not Tandy?

I can't remember exactly how to pronounce it now, but recently.

How many other ways could there be?

Recently she came out and said, you know what?

I just kind of went along with it, but now, like, everyone call me how it's actually supposed to be pronounced.

Tahundiye?

It might be.

That might be close.

New town?

Tahundiye.

Tahundi.

Tahundiye.

Tahundiye.

But

if you're listening out there,

Tandy, or however you pronounce it, hit me up.

Would love to have you on the show.

I mean, like, if Ian McKellen had any idea who I was, that would be exciting.

That would be exciting.

Would you have been

banging?

Would you have liked to have been in that Nazi movie where

apt pupil, where if you had to be in the shower scene?

I don't remember the shower scene in Apt Pupil.

Yeah, never mind.

Look it up.

No, let's talk about it right now.

No thanks.

I just wanted to allude to it.

No thanks.

Can I tell you something that bothered me about the X-Men?

Yeah.

What do you got?

How uncanny they were?

Yes.

I like people who are canny.

They need to be smart in certain situations.

Like they are.

So the X, so mutants are a stand-in for any group, any marginalized group that people fear and hate because they are different.

Yes.

But they have to be born that way as well.

Exactly.

Yes, exactly.

Or at least come into their,

but they were born that way.

Then they get their period and then they're mutants.

Yes, exactly.

This is what happens.

Yes.

But then they also make Magneto an Auschwitz survivor.

Yes.

Right?

And it's like, no, but that's the thing.

This is the analogy.

Yeah.

Why are you pulling the real thing into the analogy for you?

They called it the X-Men double whammy for him.

It was like, man,

you got fucked in both ends.

Double whammy.

Double whammy.

An X-Men double whammy.

So yeah,

he had it really, really bad.

I felt like it hurt the analogy that they were going for.

So, you wanted him just to be locked up because he was Jewish?

I feel like that's

not any different than what I'm saying.

You're trying to do a gotcha, but that's not

Paul has an interesting point of view on fake mutants need to be all locked up in concentration camps.

All right, Paul.

Interesting.

Fake mutants in real concentration camps?

Are you saying, okay, so are we saying that I want to lock up Magneto because he's Jewish?

Or do I think Ian McKellen is Jewish and he should be locked up?

I think both.

I think you're such a sicko that you think both things.

I'm not as I'm a regular O.

That's true.

Regular O's.

They don't, you know, there's spaghetti O's, sickos.

What other kinds of O's are there?

Um

Tando Newtons.

Fig Newotens.

Hey, it's wet day.

Anything can happen on wet day.

Wild.

Oh, oh, Henry.

Yeah.

Oh, Henry's a good one.

The candy bar and the guy.

The candy bar and the guy.

Now, is the candy bar based on the guy?

No.

Then what the fuck are we doing here?

It's like baby Ruth.

That's got to be based on the guy.

No, it's not.

What the hell?

No, they say it is based on

the president at the time, his daughter, Herbert Hoover.

Herbert Hoover had a Hoover.

That is it.

And all the day he had to play.

So wait, he had a...

Okay, so this is like Depressioneric.

It was like Calvin Coolidge.

It was somebody like that.

Someone had a Depressioneric candy.

It wasn't during the Depression.

I think it was, maybe it was Woodrow Wilson.

Somebody had a daughter named Ruth.

Someone had a daughter named Ruth.

They name a candy bar after.

Yes.

And then this.

This is like a logic puzzle.

Then this jackass babe Ruth.

Yeah.

I bet his name wasn't even Babe.

No,

he's changing it to be like

the candy.

He's named after St.

Babe.

Saint Babe?

Yes.

The pig?

The patriots say of pigs.

Oh, my God.

We are outside.

La la la.

Of course, you can hear this.

I believe it's a.

That sounds like an aeroplane to me.

Sounds like it has some sort of a jet engine, does it not?

I feel like it's a prop plane.

Sounds like props.

Really?

A propeller plane.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Let's give it a good listen.

Well, it is wet day, and we're outside.

It's hard for me to be the first guest because we know each other so well and you have no questions for me.

What would you like to do?

it's like we're just hanging out.

It's not like when it interviews.

Yeah.

I mean, what are you up to?

What about my projects?

What's going on, Paul?

Nothing.

I know.

Me either.

I heard you got a movie the other day.

Almost.

Yeah, I almost did.

I had a movie for a weekend.

That's got to be a great weekend.

And then my agents were like, hey, that offer was sent by accident.

How does one have an accident like that?

This is what it's like.

It's the old joke about like, did you trip and your dick fell in her?

You know, it's like that old joke.

You know,

you know that joke.

of

the copa i accidentally had an affair what did you trip and you had dick fell in her like did your now mr eddie autold and did your manager trip and their dick fell on the computer here's what's so great is that that email this this was my agent so my agents told me so so i i in the morning of friday friday morning i get

wet day Oh, this is

a week before wet.

A month before we get a week before we

get a call from, I get a text from a a friend of mine said, Hey, a producer friend is looking to cast a role in this movie.

I said, You'd be perfect for it.

Juicy.

If you're interested.

And I said, Yeah, give me, here's my agent's contact info.

A few hours go by, get an email from my agent's office saying you have been offered this role, the script.

I read the script.

I'm like, this is a great part.

Yeah, I'd love to do this.

It's like an indie film.

It's not like a big Marvel movie or something like that.

I play Indiana.

Wow.

You have the hat for it today.

I wonder why you brought that big bull whip.

This is what I'm going to practice.

For sure.

Also, I'm afraid there's bulls around here.

Yeah, you got to whip those.

Oh, my God.

Stay away.

Are they whipping bulls these days?

If they're smart.

Those things are dangerous.

You're going to want to get gorgeous.

Watch the jackass movie.

Exactly.

Not a bull whip in sight.

No, Johnny Knoxville, put a goddamn bull whip on your belt.

Like Indiana Jones.

That sentence was hard for you.

It was hard.

I got it out, though.

It was like touch and go.

Yeah.

I almost had an aneurysm.

um you'll get there um someday please so so uh i respond to my agent immediately and say yes i would like to do this uh then it's the weekend then monday rolls around the freaking weekend it was the ladies and gentlemen the weekend

and monday rolls around and uh like i haven't heard anything about this movie that starts shooting oh it wasn't oh okay yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah when's my fitting yeah exactly all this stuff um how did they respond when i said i wouldn't learn the lines and i was just gonna riff?

Yes, you have to put cards on people acting opposite me so I can read them.

Right.

I need, of course, a gigantic gym trailer.

Mm-hmm.

Not gymnasium.

No.

But a reverend gym trailer.

Yes, where I can go in there and be reverend gym for as long as I want.

Hokie, Donkey.

What does a yellow light mean?

Oh, they're ready for you.

Oh,

okay.

Be there at five.

So,

so Tuesday.

Tuesday.

Tuesday.

All of Monday goes by with you just sitting there wondering.

Yes.

And this is a week before wet day.

Yes.

You should be concentrating on that.

I'm supposed to be buying presents, making cards,

stringing together popcorn and ice cubes.

What presents, by the way, are you buying for wet day these days?

Well, since it's past, I can say.

Yeah.

I got Janie.

I got Janie a wet car

with a big wet bow on it.

Big wet bow?

I got...

I got cool-up water.

Oh, that's great.

You need some.

You know, it's like the basics.

You need some.

It's your first wet day together.

Sure.

Yeah, you know, I mean, it's like, it's hard to come up with like, what do you need on wet days?

Yes, of course.

Of course, of course.

So then Tuesday morning, I responded to the same email that I got over the weekend or before the weekend.

And I said, I haven't heard anything from production.

Then I get a call.

And the call says, oh, yeah, I need to talk to you about that offer.

Okay.

So I call, and this is my agent's assistant says, yes,

that offer was sent by accident.

That was by mistake.

Who sent it by accident?

I apologize profusely.

Meaning they sent it

on accident?

They're saying the production made the mistake, and somehow it led to my agents sending me this offer that I did not have.

Okay, interesting.

I don't know how that

be possible.

And by the way, at that point, why don't you just go like, oh, well, let's hire Paul.

Well, they're going a different way.

Oh, a different way.

They're going a little older than me.

How old are we talking?

Well, I don't know.

I did hear that the description later I heard the description was Mark Maron, but nicer.

Oh, that's not you.

No.

It's not.

Mark Maron, but worse?

That's me.

That's you.

That's me.

But nicer.

I don't know.

Well, that's unfortunate.

I don't know if it was nicer.

It might have been more

approachable, more like warmer, more friendly, something like that.

Yeah, everything that kind of like combines into being nicer.

Yeah.

Which basically means we asked Mark Maron.

He said no.

Right.

Oh, so they, and it's like a slam on him.

Money was bad.

No, I think it's like, well, let's just get a guy like him.

Yeah.

Well, that's too bad.

Can we say what the movie is so that people can boycott it?

Oh, that's too bad.

Who's this friend who sent it to you?

Can't say.

Can't say that either.

God.

But his last name is Cameron.

Kirk Cameron?

Wait, Kirk Cameron.

This is one of those Christian films.

He said, look, I got the script.

I can't read it, of course, because it's not religious.

But there's probably a part in there for you.

How nice of you.

I mean, it was nice, but he didn't even know anything about it.

It was just like, this scripture is scripted.

He came here to read it.

This godless script came here by accident.

I can't have it in the house because God does not suffer the wicked to have wicked scripts in his home.

So will will you look at it?

I bet there's a part of it.

He wasn't even suggesting me to someone else.

Really?

I bet there's a part in there.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's nice of him, though.

I mean, have you ever spoken to him?

But the thing is, it's not really nice because encoded in that, of course, is, well, you're going to hell.

You're going to go to hell.

So, yeah, yeah.

Why don't you further on down the road to hell?

Further on, down, further down.

Further on down the road,

to hell.

We got to take a break.

Well, happy wet day to you.

We do have to take a break.

Happy wet day to you, Scott.

And look, the first of many, I hope.

Oh, my God, yes.

God, if this was our last wet day.

And our children's children.

Yes, that's right.

And our children's children.

Can you imagine, though, if either of us passed away before the next wet day and this was our only wet day?

Oh, did we make a count?

God, did we make a count?

Are we wet enough?

Did we earn this?

Could we have made this person wet or that person wet?

Get wet, you building alone.

Well, we do have to take a break, but this is our wet day special and very, very exciting.

Coming up, we have, and I don't know if any of our future guests are wet, but we have a couple of grandfathers.

What do they know about wet day?

Who knows?

We'll find out.

We have a financial planner.

No, you have to take off.

Is that right?

I can't stay here one second.

Okay.

Thanks for coming by.

Appreciate it.

When we come back.

Scott ran away.

Shimmy.

You're still here.

Where's God?

Why are you still here, Shimmy?

I can't find my way out.

It's right there.

The door is right in front of me.

It makes a better door than a window.

I see a window.

No, that's a door.

I see a bad window.

No, just turn that.

See that round thing about halfway down?

I beg your pardon.

Yeah, you know what I'm pointing to.

All right, we got to take a break.

When we come back, we'll have no more Paul F.

Tompkins, but we'll have some other people.

We'll be right back with more wet day special after this.

Like with the movie's in.

The best B2B marketing gets wasted on the wrong people, right?

I mean, I remember once I bought tickets for a Broadway show, and for the next six months, I kept getting ads for the show I'd already bought tickets to.

I kept saying, I know I was on the website.

I know I visited the website, but I saw it already.

Sometimes it just doesn't work.

Well, LinkedIn has grown to a network of over 1 billion professionals, and that's where it stands apart from other ad buys.

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Stop wasting budget on the wrong audience and start targeting the right professionals only on LinkedIn ads.

LinkedIn will even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign so you can try it yourself.

Just go to linkedin.com slash bangbang.

That's linkedin.com slash bang bang.

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You know, when you

think about game day,

you might not think Wayfair, right?

I mean, they're two one's two words and one's one word, first of all.

That's confusing right off the bat.

And then they're totally different

letters, although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair, and the W and the

Y is in both.

I mean, this is pretty similar, actually.

Game Day, Wayfair.

I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should be is because Wayfair, right?

Wayfair is the best kept secret for incredible and affordable game day finds, whether you're upgrading your tailgate with coolers that stay cold or patio heaters that stay hot.

Cold things should stay cold and hot things should stay hot, right?

Wayfair has something for every style and every home, no matter your space or your budget.

They even have decor and merch from your favorite sports teams.

And the best part?

Wayfair offers free and easy delivery even on the big stuff.

And when you're talking big stuff, here's here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day.

I mean, when I say I, I mean Kulop.

Kulop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff.

She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween,

a rabbit sitting with a ladybug.

That I guess that's year-round.

That can just stay out there forever.

So, yeah.

So, Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes.

In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game game day, from coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers.

Shop, save, and score

goal today at Wayfair.com.

That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com.

Wayfair, every style, every home.

Coming, bang, bang, wet day special.

And this is Scott Auckerman.

Paulov Tompkins had to take off.

Shimmy's around, I think.

He's just wandering.

He's very friendly.

I love you guys.

Who are you talking to, Jimmy?

Everybody.

Everyone in the world?

Yeah, happy one day.

Shimmy knows what wet day is.

I'm drenched.

You are, but that's not water, right?

What is it?

What wet you?

Nobody said it had to be water.

Who wet you, Shimmy?

All right.

Well, we have to get to our next guest.

This is exciting.

They are the aforementioned two grandfathers.

Please welcome to the show Spike and Mike Mink Salmon.

Let me tell you,

if anything happens to my granddaughter, I'm going to visit you and you're not going to be happy about it.

Okay.

Don't look at our grandkid.

Okay, sorry.

Wait, oh, you share a grandchild?

We each have a granddaughter.

We each have a granddaughter.

And don't go near her.

And is it the same granddaughter?

If we see you near our granddaughter while she's swinging on the playground, you'll have a problem.

Okay.

All right.

If my my granddaughter is coloring and something makes her go outside the lines, I'm going to come for you.

Okay, we'll have to get it taken care of.

I doubt I'll be even coming into contact with your granddaughter.

Just stay away.

Is it the same person?

I do need to figure that out because, like, you seem to be related.

Possible.

Well, I mean, you have the same last name.

Are you related?

Yes.

We're brothers.

Okay.

So, or

you could be married.

We could be.

But But we're not.

But you're not.

Okay, so you're brothers.

But if we were going to get married and our granddaughter was at our wedding, you don't need to get near the wedding.

Okay.

If our granddaughter is the flower girl at our wedding, walking down the aisle, sprinkling rose petals, and you show up there, you're not going to like what happens.

We'll have to take care of you.

You'll end up in a Chicago overcoat.

Yep.

What is a Chicago overcoat?

A coffin.

A coffin?

Really?

That's right.

They call that a Chicago overcoat even outside of Chicago everywhere around the country they call it a Chicago everyone knows it's a Chicago overcoat are you guys from Chicago I

know yeah I can tell you're like from back east and you're from the south is that right we're from the same place

exactly the same place sort of the southern part of Philadelphia oh okay

South Philly some people south Philly okay that's right okay and you guys are brothers we're brothers and you have a one of you has a granddaughter and one.

And I have a granddaughter.

And I have a granddaughter.

And you better stay away.

Okay.

I'm not going to come into even contact with your granddaughter unless I already know her.

In a Brooklyn shawl.

If you come nearer.

Let me guess.

A coffin?

Is that another?

Yeah.

And everyone in the country calls it that.

Everyone everywhere calls it a coffin.

Who is your girl?

Oh, you mean the Brooklyn shawl?

A Brooklyn shawl.

I made a mistake.

Everyone makes mistakes.

If you bring up that mistake one more time, you're in trouble.

All right, baby.

And my granddaughter will know about it.

It happens that people make mistakes, but what if I make the mistake of getting too close to your granddaughter?

Listen, I'm not going to tell you again.

My granddaughter is off limits.

If you go near my granddaughter,

you're going to get a St.

Paul Slacks.

St.

Paul Slack.

That's right.

That's right.

What is a limigus?

A coffin?

It's a coffin.

You're right.

And everyone calls it that?

Everyone calls it a coffin.

I mean.

Everyone.

So yeah, you have to.

Take this coffin glossary.

It shows you all the different states

and all the different coffins.

Okay, Arkansas, Left Sock.

That's right.

Interesting.

Okay.

New Mexico.

Did you guys already say New Mexico?

No.

No, we have a brother in New Mexico.

Oh, you do.

You stay away from our brother.

Don't get close.

Who's this brother?

Leave his granddaughter alone.

Okay.

Look, everyone is a granddaughter, pretty much, right?

No.

That math doesn't check out.

But about 50% of the world is a granddaughter.

Yes.

Yes.

Right?

I mean,

like, almost impossible to not be a granddaughter.

50% of the world are grandparents.

You have to try not to be.

50% of the world aren't grandparents.

I'm saying 50% of the world are granddaughters.

And yet, you were right.

50% of the world are

grandparents.

Grandfamily.

Grandfamily.

So, what are you guys here to talk about?

Maybe you saw the bumper sticker on the back of our cars.

I did.

I love my grandfamily.

You have the same bumper sticker, but separate cars?

Yeah.

Separate cars.

We have to drive side by side.

Oh, because it is.

One bumper sticker has half of it, and the other bumper sticker has half.

Unfortunately for us, it's perforated, so it could tear very easily.

They didn't tell us that till after we bought the bumper sticker.

Oh, no.

How How much is this bumper sticker?

$20,

$20, and you couldn't just say, oh, listen.

$20,000.

$20,000.

I mean, it is longer than normal bumper stickers.

The part that's not perforated is very strong.

Once he took a left, and I dragged him.

I still have the scars.

Scars like you're going to have if you touch my granddaughter.

Dan, I'm not going to touch your granddaughter.

Don't touch her.

Do I know her?

You better not know my granddaughter.

You don't even want me to know her?

You know her well.

Oh, but I do know her.

You know it too well.

A little too well.

We're getting a little too close.

Who is this granddaughter?

You better stop asking questions about my granddaughter, whom you already know very well.

Are there eight simple rules for knowing your granddaughter?

There's 11 rules.

There's 11.

That's right.

Can I know those?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

Let's hear them.

One.

Starting all the way at the most important.

Wow.

No, the higher it gets, the more.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes.

One is the easiest one.

Okay.

Don't go near my granddaughter.

Okay.

Now, these are rules for getting near your granddaughter.

Number one is don't get.

That's right.

Don't call her by name.

Okay.

Don't even look at her.

Okay.

Keep her name out of your mouth.

Okay.

Number five.

Keep her name out of your fucking mouth.

Okay.

It's very similar to the previous rule.

Don't buy her anything.

Buy her anything.

Okay.

Like, what are we talking about?

Gifts.

I guess that is

buying something.

I think anything covers it.

Don't buy her anything.

That means there's not a thing you could buy accidentally that's okay.

Don't buy her anything.

Anything.

So, like, from a spark plug, the tiniest spark plug.

Leave her on the side of the road.

Straight up.

We're not going to Noah's Ark this with you.

Don't buy her anything.

A zebra?

Okay, that's number seven, I think.

Yes.

Number eight.

Turn around and walk away.

Okay, right now?

Or it's in the rules.

I'm in the middle of the show.

Okay.

All right.

Number nine.

Do not under any circumstances.

Circumstances.

Some of these rules have their own words.

That's okay.

Now it sounds tricky, but it's intuitive.

Is it like the English uh uh word circumstances does it exactly it relates to that a little bit it relates to that yes but it's a totally different definition not totally not totally not totally not totally some of the words are the same totally not totally

so under any do not do not under any circumstances

help

her

get out of a situation.

Of a situation.

Of any situation.

Any situation.

Situation.

Any circumstances.

Circumstances don't help her get out of any situation.

Okay.

All right.

10.

Watch your language and be collect.

Okay.

She's getting further and further away from the English I know.

And then there's got to be one, and the most important rule, number 11.

This one you better remember.

Okay.

Don't look

at her.

At her?

Don't look at her.

You don't look at her.

At her.

Okay, I think I can remember the gist of all that.

Bring it him back.

Don't have anything to do with her.

Don't go near her.

Don't buy anything for her.

Good.

Keep her name out of my fucking mouth.

Proceed.

Keep her name out of my mouth without the fucking.

Good.

And don't go near her.

And under any circumstances, don't help her out of a situation.

I think I got him.

That was only four.

That was only four.

No, that was way more than four.

Look, I don't even, I don't know your granddaughter.

Why do you love your granddaughter?

She keeps so much.

I will keep it that way.

Although, apparently I do know her.

But why do you love her?

Did you really ask us why do we love our granddaughters?

Why do you love your granddaughter?

They're a pain in the ass as far as I'm concerned.

Have you ever been on the other side of a seesaw with your granddaughter?

Have you ever been at the park sitting on a bench watching your granddaughter on a swing?

And then every once once in a while she says, Look how high I go, pop-pop.

And you say, I see you, kid, you're flying.

Have you ever got your granddaughter for the last half of the day and you take her out to get food and ice cream?

And she wasn't supposed to have ice cream.

Have you ever yelled at your granddaughter so bad you scared her into tears?

And then your daughter-in-law of your dead son gets upset.

This sounds very specific.

No, I have not done any of these things.

Did you have one more?

Do you drive a late 80s chrysler have a friend named salamanca

oh

this sounds pretty specific no i i i don't have either of those things are you the enforcer for a secret drug lord who fronts a chain of chicken restaurants

no unfortunately i'm not no well it sounds like you're gonna have to be put into a washington dc

Mini T.

Washington, D.C.

isn't even a state.

Wow, they made it in there.

Taxation without representation is tyranny.

Oh, are you political?

Just on that score.

Just on that?

What do you think of taxes in general?

I don't like to pay them, but if you want to stay legitimate, you got to pay your taxes.

You got to pay a few of them.

It's nice that we have nice roads to drive on to do our business.

And that's what taxes do.

Interesting.

So now, why did you guys come on the show?

To warn you about getting close to our daughter.

Sure, that's established.

Granddaughter, that is.

Granddaughter, yes.

Sometimes I say daughter, but we mean granddaughter.

Okay.

But other than that,

also,

we run a Dairy Queen.

Okay.

We're currently running a Dairy Queen into the ground.

On purpose.

On purpose.

For tax reasons.

Okay.

Don't ask any questions.

But which Dairy Queen?

Do you mind saying where it's at?

But

it's all six.

No, do not come to it.

We need the write-off.

Once it fails, we'll get a big tax deduction.

Are you able to sell the food, though?

We got rid of the blizzards.

That's why it's doing so poorly.

We replaced the blizzards with chunky white gravy.

So no ice cream at all?

Just white gravy?

No ice cream.

We ordered some of those McDonald's ice cream machines, and they're always out of order.

Have you changed the name of the business to like Gravy Queen?

You know, I mean, it sounds kind of dirty, man.

We don't want gravy people coming in there and getting satisfied we briefly changed it to gravy queen and we had a lot of pornographers coming up to us the place was crawling with freaks you can imagine we were worried about our granddaughters right oh i can only imagine suddenly your your business establishment is a haven our granddaughter is always eating in at our dairy queen by herself in the window so don't even drive by okay so a lot of gravy but you say it's on sixth if you go by a dairy queen with a cute little girl sitting in the window eating gravy with a big smile on her face, you better turn your car around and drive away.

Why did you pick Dairy Queen?

Was it just like

granddaughter?

Granddaughter's favorite restaurants.

Oh, really?

Dairy Queen.

We looked up the top 10 favorite granddaughters' favorite restaurants.

And found Dairy Queen.

So then you became the one with a bullet.

A franchise.

Which is what you'll get if you go near my granddaughter.

The bullet, not the number one, I'm assuming.

So you became, you became.

I will present you with a number one trophy that says number one looked at my granddaughter and then i'll shoot you

so you became franchise franchisees is that is that or franchisers and uh uh how difficult was that process

very difficult you have to only buy certain ingredients from the main dairy queen office which is really hard because you could buy from other suppliers cheaper and make a bigger profit.

But But it's frowned upon by the Dairy Queen people.

Okay, but that's why you moved into Gravy then because you didn't want to pay for their prices for the ice cream.

Gravy is the cheapest product they sell.

And also the most unpleasant thing to get when you're expecting ice cream.

And we need the tax deduction.

There's also a very challenging written test.

To become one of these, really.

Yeah.

Okay, and this is all based on like ingredients of the various things or Dairy Queen lore.

We kept saying that the blizzard was a cold weather experience.

Okay.

How did you pass the test?

We cheated.

Oh, okay.

We got someone else to take it for us because the final question was: how much do you hate your granddaughter?

Oh, no.

So, who took it for you?

Who was that?

This guy.

This scumbag who hates his granddaughter.

And he was able to pass that final question with easy flying colors.

Had no guilt saying he hated his granddaughter.

Why is that important to the Dairy Queen

Corporation?

Because kids are a big part of their business.

And they want to make sure that you don't love grandkids.

You said that like it made sense,

but it didn't.

If you question our love for our grandchilds.

I'm not questioning that.

I'm questioning why the Dairy Queen Corporation needs you to hate your grandchildren.

You don't need to know.

We're going to give you

a trophy and then we're going to shoot you in the back of a head and put you in a Louisiana-fitted sheet.

Okay, I'd rather just have the trophy.

I don't need the being shot in the back of the head.

Could I just have the trophy?

Is that part of the head?

You're going to end up in some Delaware drapes.

So we've moved on past clothing.

We may go back to it.

But right now, we're in bedding and housewares.

Wow.

If you're not careful, you're going to end up in a Florida fingertip tower.

So that must take up a lot of your time.

But do you have, you know, working and turning people away from the dairy queen saying, no, we only have gravy today?

Yeah, it takes a lot of our time.

But also.

We are those guys at the boardwalk who dress in silver paint and be still, but we have trouble being still.

Yeah, you guys guys are really squirrely it's hard because i see people thinking about going near my granddaughter and i ruin the illusion of being a silver robot

unfortunately our granddaughters are nearby and unattended so we can't be still

are those guys supposed to be motionless to fool you into thinking they're statues or or robots because i would assume a robot moves Not all robots move.

A coffee maker's a robot.

It doesn't go anywhere.

Here's my thing about robots, and let's see if you agree.

Okay.

Everyone's like, oh no, we can't create robots because they're going to take over the world.

Don't give them thumbs.

Case closed.

We're going to call our granddaughter and see what she says.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Call her up.

You've actually asked this to our granddaughter because you know her well.

I've talked about this with your granddaughter already.

We were furious.

All right, let's give her a call.

Here we go, dialing the number that you guys gave me.

Hello.

Hello.

Why did I say hello first?

I don't.

Mom.

Hi, this is Scott Auckerman of Comedy Bang Bang.

Who?

Scott.

It's okay, honey.

It's Pop-Pop.

Hi, Papa.

You can talk to this man, but don't let him talk to you for too long.

Okay.

I'm playing.

I love you.

I know you're playing really good.

I love you too.

Thanks.

What are you playing?

Do you mind me asking?

Is that okay to ask?

Easy, easy.

I'm separating my Halloween candy into piles.

Oh, really late to do that, I gotta say.

It's wet day already.

Thank you.

Don't criticize my granddaughter.

We let her eat all the old candy that she wants.

Okay, that's all right.

So, what are the categories you're selling?

Candy and Halloween candy, because candy is sold year-round.

I put them into piles of all their different flavors.

Oh, look at that.

What great pieces you married?

Reese's, peanut butter cups, reeseas, pieces.

Do you have piles of How and Late?

I'm not done.

She's not done.

Okay, don't interrupt interrupt my granddaughter.

Or

I'm going to give you a trophy.

And stop there.

Stop there.

I'm good at that.

Now and later, whatchamacallits?

Peppermint kids.

Peppermint kids.

Is that the peppermint?

Which one was that?

Come from peppermint kids.

What do you mean, peppermint kids?

Is somebody messing with you?

What's peppermint kids?

That's when you mush together peppermint patty and sour patch kids.

Okay.

Okay.

That's not one of our code words.

So everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

Wait, you have code words, and what happens if

the granddaughter says one of the code words?

You get a trophy, and then you're presented with a Pennsylvania patio set.

Do you guys have go bags or anything?

I would imagine your granddaughter's go bag is just filled with Halloween candy.

Don't imagine things about my granddaughter.

It's got a lot of candy and a lot of gravy.

Stacks of five pennies apples stacks of five pennies floss

and

um

um uh watermelon suckers okay

okay are you done honey

okay say she has floss that's a good girl good girl

okay say goodbye no

we haven't asked her about so see you knew her creating thumbs on robots yet sounds familiar What do you think about creating thumbs on robots?

Hey.

Oh, she's still there.

Scott, are we gonna are we meeting up again today?

Uh

you better stay away from my granddaughter.

Don't you?

Who are you?

I die.

They say I know you really well.

Who is this?

You know my name.

Who?

Don't tell them, honey.

You already know it.

What is your name?

We work together all the time.

With you?

Yeah.

Where have I seen you?

Where have I seen you?

You see this person every day.

Every single day.

Kula?

You better stay away.

Don't drink your grandmother.

Be careful.

You're on thin ice.

We're going to drive side by side over to your house and then put you in a New York grill.

Grill?

This is the cookware.

That's right.

Cookware portion.

Okay.

It's the kind that was advertised on podcasts there for a while.

Hey, honey, what do you think about the thumbs on robots?

Are you still there?

I'm here.

I was just, I was playing a new game.

Oh, what's the game, honey?

I was counting letters.

How many are there?

26, right?

Yeah, but not, you can count.

I figured out you can count different letters multiple times.

So, like,

counting

that's amazing.

So, like,

B, for instance, you could count it how many times?

I've counted B a hundred 114 times so far.

Wow.

That's a lot of times to count a B.

I'm coming over.

Don't condescend to my land here.

I'm coming over, Scott.

I want to play dance to your house again.

I don't think you should go over here.

Honey, listen to pop-pop.

Don't come over here just yet, okay?

Because Scott might not be here by the time you get here.

I might have a trophy by the time you're here.

Might be wearing something.

B1.

Okay, say goodbye, honey.

Goodbye.

You're just a skipping.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

So,

what have you learned?

I'm not placing the voice, I have to say.

I mean, someone I see every single day.

Every single day.

The majority of the day.

I think it's just cool-op.

You spend nine hours or more with this person every single day.

Definitely got to be cool out, but she doesn't have any Halloween candy, and she doesn't talk like a little baby.

I don't think.

And I don't think either of you are a grandfather.

Don't insult my granddaughter.

If you say we are lying about having a granddaughter, we will come over there.

Very weird you would say that.

Anytime someone says...

We would lie about having a granddaughter.

You better watch your step.

Be careful.

Be careful.

If you think we are just boardwalk performers that are lying about our granddaughters.

Just to to get on this show?

And don't even have a Dairy Queen franchise.

Look, I would have had you guys on just as the boardwalk performers.

That's, I mean, maybe even more interesting than having granddaughters.

We said to your producer that we were a huge fan of Wet Day

and we washed off all our silver and we got sopping wet and we came down here.

We came right down here.

Okay.

But why the

I'm assuming you guys are lying.

Is that

if you say we're lying about having a granddaughter, then you might be a granddad.

Yeah, I might be.

All right, look at that.

We have to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have the financial advisor and Mike and Ike, or Mike and Spike.

I can't even remember you guys' names.

Mike and Spike.

Mike and Spike.

Our brother is Mike.

Our brother is Mike Ehrman Trout.

Oh, right.

Oh, from from Better Calls All?

That's right.

Thinly fictionalized.

Oh, okay.

I understand this whole thing now.

Now, we've did it really take you that long?

No.

All right, we're going to take a break.

When we come back, we'll have more from these guys, Mike and Spike.

No, Spike and Ike.

And we'll have a financial advisor.

You guys are having financial problems, I would imagine.

You're just street performers.

That was a lie.

That was a lie, too.

Our only financial problem is we're not getting enough paper money in the hat.

So, what was the lie?

And we're being sued by Foxworthy.

For saying that right then?

We say it often.

We tour with it.

Oh, no.

Okay.

You should not be doing that.

Well, when we get it.

The practice is called the two Jeff Foxworths.

Okay, yeah, you are in trouble.

He'll win that lawsuit.

All right, we're going to be right back with the financial advisor.

More from Mike and Spike, or Spike and Ike.

We'll be right back with more comedy back this wet day.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we have

we're here with Spike and Spike and Mike.

It's Spike and Mike.

It's Spike and Ike.

It's Spike and Ike.

Okay, I wrote it.

Spike and Ike, Mink Salmon.

Mink Salmon.

Our brother is Mike Ermantrout.

And he had to.

Wait, but his name is Mike Ehrman Trout.

Finally.

Who?

You?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

Well, look, we have to.

Our brother Mike plays himself on television.

I don't think so.

But then you guys are the fictionalized ones.

I understand.

That's right.

Okay, got it.

We're not real.

Oh, no.

You're imagining us.

Sure.

I mean, it's wet day.

Anything could happen when you get this wet.

It's happy wet day.

Thank you so much, guys, if you are really here.

But I know someone who is here and we need to welcome him.

He has been on the show several times.

He's a financial advisor.

Please welcome back, Doug Grop.

Hi, Scott.

It's great to be here.

It's wonderful to be back.

What an energy in the sky.

The sun is beating down.

It's throwing energy through my body.

I feel like we're coming out of the pandemic.

It's wet day for goddamn days.

It's wet day.

Happy wet day to you and many hamburgers to you.

Happy wet day to you.

Yes.

I love it.

I love the whole idea of it.

I heard you talking earlier about snow.

Sir was talking about wet day.

i heard you talking about wet day it brought me energy it brought me goodness and it goddamn filled up my mind with happiness and i'll tell you i thought of that song um what's that song called uh happy birthday happy birthday to you i thought of this song and i was like well you think of what a cake is a cake is a dried piece of wheat meat and it's covered it's covered in a what

uh uh a cake top terrifically yeah a cake like a bride and groom?

Well, it could be that.

And what's underneath that?

What is the slice in between?

Did you bring this super loud plane right now?

Well, if you look at it, that's my plane.

And I've got a little...

That's got my

website.

My website.

Just in case people are listening, that's my website.

What is your website?

Grope me, but don't sweep me underthed.com.

Don't sweep me under the dug?

Shouldn't that be?

Grope me, but don't sweep me underthedug.com.

Shouldn't that be sweetmeunderthereg.com?

Well, Well,

it should have been someone took.

That wasn't available.

Someone took that.

So I took sweet me under the dug and it wait.

Sometimes things work out.

And when you have a positive attitude in life, things are going to work out sometimes.

How are you?

Coming out of the pandemic?

I'm great.

It's good to see you again.

By the way, you've been on the show several times.

Doug

is a financial advisor, and I can't remember anything you've ever talked about.

No, and that's the beauty of it because everything we talk about in the past lives in the past, and I live in the future, and I live in the now.

But now is the future.

We live in the past, and we live in the future, hopefully.

In my mind, we never live in the now.

We only live in the future.

Our hopes only live in the future.

Think about what a hope is.

What is a hope?

I mean, it's something that you wish for or something you try to achieve in your life.

That's right.

Scott, God damn.

Every time I think I'm losing hope in humanity, somebody like you comes along and you push me into this world where I have this.

Is it so bad?

You're losing hope for.

We have.

It has been problematic over the last time.

I don't want to give a specific.

Is it the last time?

The last time.

Do you want me to say 20, 30 years?

It's been bad for a while.

What's been going on?

Doug, what's been going on?

Well, as you knew, before the pandemic.

Did you lose your granddaughter?

To be honest, I have several granddaughters who...

Lucky.

Has anyone ever challenged that they're real?

No, I am very, I have sort of a different attitude about my granddaughters where i like to welcome them into the world and let them go out and meet whoever they are from what different well different from what you got it it appears to me and this is good because uh you know we all have different angles on

your granddaughters lose yeah and by losing they're winning right because don't you win when you lose

loose loose but you let them lose i let them lose you let them lose what if i had a granddaughter i would let her win every time every time well

and I respect that.

I respect everybody's opinion.

Listen.

Wait, are you saying you're an absentee grandfather?

I didn't even think you were that old of a gentleman.

Well, I think you might be a redneck.

Okay, guys.

You can't say that on my show either.

Sorry.

If you let your grandmother lose.

I am absolutely.

What kind of venues are you guys playing?

Boardwalks.

Just boardwalks?

That's it.

Outdoors.

Seaside.

I've seen you you guys.

What about Park Place?

Yeah.

So, Doug, Doug, what's

you're here to talk about some

of your

ways to get financial independence?

Is that what you're thinking?

Here's the thing.

I know we all went through the pandemic.

We all got these checks.

These

are

granddaughter didn't go through the pandemic?

We wouldn't let her lock down.

That's part of going through the pandemic.

We wouldn't let her lock down.

Oh, you wouldn't let her lock down.

No, no, no.

You're not locking down our granddaughter.

You let her loose.

You let her lose.

We let her loose.

But only because people wanted to lock her down.

So anything anyone wants to do for your granddaughter, even if it's helpful, you want to do the opposite.

We want the opposite.

I love that.

I love that.

God damn it.

I love that.

I think that's wonderful.

You let her loose.

You let her out there.

You let her enjoy the world.

You let her find her own pitfalls.

That's wonderful.

How much, can I ask you, how much did you receive in

stimulus?

In stimulus?

Yeah.

We'll go around and we'll go.

I think we all got the same thing, didn't we?

I got none.

I got none.

That's the lowest you can get.

That's the lowest you could get.

You didn't qualify for the stimulus.

I think it was given.

I didn't qualify for legal reasons.

You didn't meet the one criteria, which was to be a citizen of the United States.

Oh, you're not a citizen.

Well, technically, I'm not.

I never signed up.

Oh, wait, where were you?

Born?

Where were you taking?

How did you take the test?

I was born.

I was born in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, but not under the United States.

Oh, you were like, was there a little corner or something that was like sovereign land?

No, my parents,

they came from Portugal.

Okay.

And they quickly came over here.

And as we landed, this is going to sound like a joke, but as we landed,

I came out of my mother as somebody was asking, are you a U.S.

citizen?

And as I came out of her, you know,

I came out and you're posing right now like you were doing like a Burt Reynolds naked and cosmopolitan.

Well, it's funny you say that.

It's funny you say that because

you came out with a big mustache.

You're covered in hair.

I was born.

You probably were.

You were born with Burt Reynolds style.

It's reverse

alopecia?

It's reverse aliphic.

We can't joke.

Be careful.

And I would never.

I would never.

But it's reverse where you have a.

That sounds like regular.

You have a lot and then you have none.

No,

it's for a baby.

It only lasts while you're a baby.

Oh, I see.

So you have a lot when you're a baby.

When your baby has baby hair.

When you lose your baby, then you have none.

You have none when an adult has your baby teeth, your baby hair.

Then you get it back when old people lose their hair.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you're in the middle middle right now of

a hair sandwich.

Sort of.

Yeah.

Yum.

Yum, yum.

Give me that right now.

I knew we shouldn't have taped this right at dinner time.

You just mention hair sandwich and all of our guests start rubbing their bells.

You're teasing me.

I want that hair sandwich.

You cannot say it one more time.

Either way, I was not a U.S.

citizen.

So you came out posing like Bert Reynolds.

Why does that make you not a U.S.

citizen?

It sounds like you were born to the map.

Yeah, you came out on U.S.

soil.

I feel like there's some steps missing.

No, because I never...

You came out of the fragina on U.S.

soil.

You never touched the ground.

I didn't touch the soil.

And that's in soil.

Wait, I wonder.

Okay, you've been on stilts this whole time.

Are you not touching?

You've never been on U.S.

soil.

I've never touched U.S.

soil.

I've never touched U.S.

How many soils have you touched?

I've never touched soil.

Intentional.

Wow.

Because if you were just to put your foot down on U.S.

soil, you would finally be a U.S.

citizen.

That's right.

You would have gotten the stimulus check.

That's right.

And

that is one benefit that I would have had.

Right.

But what are the...

I guess you don't have to.

Do you pay taxes?

I don't pay one penny.

Dem stilts.

I'm sorry, but can it be reversed?

I don't pay taxes.

And

so, therefore, I can conduct business all throughout throughout the United States.

I never touch U.S.

soil, and I never have to pay an ounce of business tax.

If your hands touch soil, does that count?

It does not because I've never touched on it.

Does it tell you the feet?

It has to be the feet.

So, you garden

stilts,

touching U.S.

soil.

You definitely, if you garden on stilts, you might be a redneck.

Okay, guys, you can't.

I did fall.

I remember once I took a.

There's another banner.

What does it say?

Oh, look at that.

That is my phone number.

That's my phone number.

That's my phone number.

Oh, yeah, read it out.

You see.

1-800-555-2296-39472.

Too many nine.

294.

And that's how people can get a hold of you.

It's an extension.

Oh,

it's an extension.

Yeah, there's another one that should come through with a coupon code.

Those planes, by the way, were flying side by side with a a big banner that had like a perforation, a lot like their bumper sticker.

Those must be brothers.

Brothers who fly planes?

Wow.

They might be rednecks.

Okay.

You must be a redneck.

Is that an order that fucks me?

That's how we'll get around it.

You must be.

He can't sue us if we say must.

Okay, Doug.

What do you got, Doug?

So the first

rule

is not touch U.S.

soil.

If you have touched U.S.

soil, are there other money-saving tactics?

Well, I'll tell you this: here's why I'm here.

Oh, and I'm going to bring it down.

I need to bring it down for a second.

Okay, what do you got?

It's been hard coming out of the pandemic.

We have these stimulus checks, right?

We're all wondering, except you.

We're all except for myself.

We're wondering how to spend them.

And I'm,

I don't think.

It's been the problem.

We've had them in our bank accounts.

So much money.

No, we just don't even know how to spend.

I've come up with a multi-layer system on how to spend your stimulus check.

Oh.

Multi-layered like a casserole.

A several step program.

Okay.

Seven layer steps.

It's seven layer multi-step

programs for steps to avoiding taxes.

Well, sort of.

Sort of.

What are these layers?

Okay.

First of all, the first layer is financial fasting.

Now,

a lot of you guys are probably like, well, I get confused.

How am I going to spend this?

How much did you get again?

Was it 20?

I think it was 500 bucks, wasn't it, or something like that?

$500.

I don't know.

Well, it wasn't five.

For a lot of people, it was in the thousands.

It was, oh, okay.

Maybe

the first time it was $1,600.

Oh, okay.

Then they said they were going to give $2,000, but instead they just gave $400 more.

They said $6,000.

See?

$2,000.

$2,000.

Yeah.

Great.

So here we are.

Everybody's stuck with this $2,000.

And what are you going to do?

How do you get rid of it?

How do you spend it?

I'd be paying my bills, no problem, just wondering what to do.

$2,000 for two years?

Perfect.

Right.

So it's sitting there in what I can only assume is some sort of high-interest-bearing savings account.

Right.

Maybe.

Yes.

Yeah.

An IRA.

Is that something?

Well, we put it in a SEP IRA.

Do you put it in

your business account?

Retirement.

Immediately to retirement, which I can't spend now because I'm over the retirement age.

And every penny we make goes to our granddaughters who do not exist, but if they do, then

you must be a redneck.

Well, that's fantastic.

That's also a good workaround.

I like it.

That absolutely.

You shall be a redneck.

You will be.

Thou shalt be a redneck.

Thou shalt be a redneck.

This is that's enough of a change where I think you can.

The 10 redneck commandments.

Thou shalt be a redneck.

Do not covet thou redneck.

Do not covet your neighbor's car up on blocks.

Do not murder someone for stealing your barbecue sauce.

We don't have enough time, obviously.

You must buy your wife as much jewelry as you can buy a horse.

And you're going to get in trouble for that by someone else, I think.

You don't want him to show up, by the way.

Who?

This guy, Dalton Wilcox.

Anyway, so

financial fasting.

Yeah.

Thanks for bringing it back.

Thanks for bringing it back.

Thanks for bringing it back because that's what we're all

working as a team.

In what way?

In what capacity?

How is that possible?

Because all this money has the whole point of this money was to be shot back into the economy to give us a stimulus, correct?

But no one spent it.

That's too much.

Nobody spent it.

Too much money.

Because they couldn't decide how to spend it.

They can't decide how to spend it.

They can't decide when to spend it.

They can't decide how to spend it or what to spend it.

So, what's your solution?

The solution is to sign up.

I mean, I'm not going to give you the full solution right here, but you can go to my website.

Why not?

Give us

one solution.

Give us the final solution.

Does it involve Magneto?

No.

You know what?

I refuse to give you the final solution.

So you're just going to bring up this problem and then you're going to say.

Absolutely.

This is bad podcasting.

No magneto, no icon.

Listen, I'm a businessman, I'm a businessman, Scott.

I'm looking forward to it.

I'm just saying, like, normally when you go on one of these shows, it's like you don't see a chef go on a show and be like, Okay, well, you know, today I'm gonna make you know rabbit stew.

I think they would absolutely, and then they go, like, but I'm not gonna tell you how.

And I've seen that exact thing happen several times.

I've seen people go on shows and talk about their rabbit stew.

If you eat rabbit stew,

you must out be a redneck.

If you walk by, say you walked by a Should I buy a rabbit stew with my stimulus?

Sounds like I'm a bad.

$2,000.

We shouldn't take this at dinner time.

What is true?

Where do they sell rabbit stew?

What if you walked by Daryl's ice cream?

What if you walked by Daryl's ice cream?

I'm a Dairy Queen guy for the brave.

I love it.

Go to Daryl's.

But I'm thinking of something small town, a small town business, Daryl's ice cream.

Okay.

And if

walk to buy,

if you walk by, would they just give you the ice cream on the outside?

Would they throw out little pieces of the ice cream?

I would expect to have to go inside to do it, but yeah, they might give it to me.

And then you would have to buy it, right?

Hmm.

I mean, tell me I'm wrong.

But but

here's where the metaphor is sort of different.

If you were to appear on a podcast and say, I'm an ice cream maker, I would expect you to bring ice cream.

Yeah, and

I have brought

you brought ice cream?

I have brought ice cream for you guys.

I have brought Daryl's ice cream for you, and I'm going to hand it out right now.

You guys can each taste some of this.

Oh, Mike, not as good as a hair sandwich, but I'll take it.

There's a little gravy on it.

I wish I'd eaten some rabid stew first.

Now, where do you spend your money?

Because come on.

You're not going to tell us.

So why don't you even bring this up?

I have a question.

We have a friend named Hector Salamanca, and he has an online shopping addiction.

What would you say to him?

I'm going to tell him right now to lean into it.

To shop.

Spend more.

Spend everything.

Spend even more.

Spend what you don't have.

File bankruptcy.

I think that's going to get a clean sale.

Absolutely.

That's going to make him say ding, ding, ding.

Very quickly, I'll give you a taste of what my favorite thing is.

Okay, yeah, give us something.

Besides,

feel free to slow it down.

I'm going to slow it down because I feel like I'm moving too fast.

If you say it that quickly, then suddenly there's no reason to have you on the show any longer.

Guys, remember this.

These are just some ideas.

Old money is new money.

Go out and find things that you've spent money on and get it back immediately.

Number four, go get a refund.

Get refunds.

Get a money.

Demand refunds.

Who that will spend some of that money.

Demand refunds on everything you've spent on.

Oh, okay.

Whether you've bought something, whether you've put it on it.

Do you have to give it back?

No.

You take it back and you demand it back.

You just demand a refund for every single thing you bought.

What if I've had the thing four years?

You demand it, the money back.

Here's something, though.

Like, if it even worked 10% of the time, it's like you're getting a 10% raise.

And I can tell you right now, it's going to work 100% of the time.

If you go up to somebody and say, I'll murder you if you touch my granddaughter, nine times out of ten, they're going to slap you in the face.

But that tenth time,

you put them in a Texas Tostada.

Guys,

we moved on to food.

Now I'm dining in.

And it's dinner time.

Texas Tostada.

Give me more of that ice cream.

Go out and get a massage.

Treat yourself to something.

But instead of getting a happy ending, get a confusing ending.

Don't get a happy ending.

What does happen?

A confusing ending is where you look the person in the eye as they're doing it and you offer them dinner.

You take them out to dinner and you spend the night with them.

You spend the night and you talk about exactly what you're doing.

This sounds more like your catchphrase is yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Then that must be a red name.

Shalties are

guys.

I'm telling you right now, hi,

you are almost toppling on those stilts.

You are almost toppling.

Be careful.

You're going to touch soil.

You're not going to believe I've never fallen.

I've never fallen.

I've never fallen.

I've come very close.

You learned to walk on those things.

I've come.

Yeah, I learned to walk on stilts.

I had a parent

want you to be a U.S.

citizen.

I know.

They were

hairy as hell on stilts.

Not hairy, just a mustache, and just a sash.

a beautiful head of hair and chest hair.

And chest hair.

What shalt he be then if he has all that?

If you came out of the womb with just a mustache,

chest hair, a beautiful head of hair, thou shalt be

a redneck.

I love that.

Did you say thou shalt?

Thou shalt.

S-H-O-U-T.

Let it all out.

So that's just a taste.

That's just a taste.

And go to my website.

Go to my website, pay for it, and then demand a refund.

Always demand a refund.

Although I'm working on that,

that could change, but use my coupon code.

What's the code?

What do we have?

To add on 10%.

To add on 10%.

If you want to add on 10% to the cost.

Like a Tatiku?

What's the code?

No.

Add on 10%.

I want that code.

Do you want to try this?

Do you want to try this?

Give us that code.

Do you want to try this?

If you want to try this, let me know.

Brother, All one word.

If you do you want to try this, if you want to.

If you want to try this, let me know, brother.

Brother, all one word.

With a question mark or no?

No question mark.

Is all one word part of the all one word?

Yes, that isn't it.

Okay.

So you write out all one word.

Do you want this?

And is it all one word?

But one is a digit.

Oh, okay.

So do you want this?

If you want this, let me know, brother.

Do you want

one word?

No, wrong.

Do you want to try this?

Do you you want to try this?

Let me know, brother.

Oh, one more.

One more word.

Again, that

allows you to write me, but don't sweep me under the dug.

The dug.

Dot biz.

I'm sorry.

Dot biz.

Okay.

It was wrong on the plane.

What was that?

It was wrong on the first plane.

It was cheaper.

I got a deal.

Dot com is cheaper than dot biz.

They did charge me more.

If you try to save money on a website by getting it spelled incorrectly, that shall be a red redneck.

I can only imagine they don't have a lot of call for those Z's.

So if you say Donnie's, they're like, yeah.

No, the guy.

We got plenty of Z's around here.

Yeah, it was Carson.

Carson over at Plain Signs.

He helped me out and he said, we can.

Carson, the last name or the first name?

No, I believe it was both.

Carson Carson.

I believe.

So is he the son of Carson Daly or Johnny Carson?

I believe both.

I believe he was.

Wow.

I believe he's somewhere in between.

He's somewhere in between.

I don't know about him, but I do have a suspicion that he shall be a red nagger.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yum, yum, yum.

Okay, guys.

Well, that's great, Doug.

I'm glad you've.

I mean, you haven't landed on your feet, but you've landed on your stilts

through the pandemic.

And you are coming very, very close.

As a matter of fact, I feel like you've swiped the ground with your toe a couple of times.

I feel like I see a little.

I don't want to rat you out necessarily.

Is that a grass stain on your knee?

Because that looks like American soil.

I did.

If I'm honest, I fell in your front junk.

How much do you owe in back taxes?

It's so much.

It's so much.

That's where they get you.

When you become an American citizen, you have to pay back taxes for as long as you've been alive.

I could be in America.

That's in the fine print.

Yep.

It's over.

That's why people shouldn't come to this country.

We want them all to stay where they're at.

I think people people come for the little flags.

Oh, yeah.

That's a good point.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just lost my baby here.

Did you see that fallout?

Oh, wow.

So you're

now you're doing the reverse part of the no hair gets by him.

You ate it right up.

He's coming out.

Are you going to eat all of that?

It's like ringing the dinner bell.

Help yourself.

Help yourself, please.

Thank you.

Well, guys,

wet days are coming to a close.

I'm so sorry to say.

We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that, of course, is a little something called plugs.

I open my plugins at night, so I can, so I can

keep track of the shows that cast the time.

I open my plugins at night, so I can, so I can

see my savvy friend before my eyes.

I open my blood bags at night,

I open my blood bags at night,

I open my blood bags at night,

I open my blood bags at night, I open my

body.

Ooh, very nice.

That was Charles Whitbourne with I open my blug bags at night.

I don't know why it says blug bags.

All right.

Anyway, guys, what do we want to plug here?

Obviously, Spike and Ike, you guys

want to have daughters.

You want to plug your non-existent granddaughters.

Please, please.

Believe in our granddaughters and don't go near them.

Is this like a Peter Pan situation?

If we applaud enough, your granddaughters will actually come to life?

Yes.

All right, everyone out there, if you're listening, give us a round of applause.

I love a granddaughter.

No granddaughter has appeared yet.

All right, well, they're going to continue applauding, hopefully.

Anything else you want to plug, though?

I'm too tired.

Yeah, we're too tired.

I mean, you can, of course.

Too hungry, too tired.

We're old, hungry men.

Yes, we're grandparents, grandfamily.

What about your brother's show?

It's coming out this week, isn't it?

That's right.

If you watch your brother, Mike Herman Trout.

He's playing himself on Better Call Sol.

Better Call Saul.

Watch that.

But you're not playing yourselves right now.

No.

No.

We're fictionalized.

Fictionalized.

Fictionalized.

Okay.

Your brother plays himself on TV, but you're fictionalized.

Thou shalt be

a redneck.

Wonderful.

And where can we see this show, by the way?

American Movie Classics.

That's right.

Oh, I guess I mean your show of Thou Shalt Be a Redneck.

The

boardwalk.

Are you guys under it or are you

on top of the boardwalk?

All right.

Congratulations.

On the board.

On top of the boardwalk.

And Doug Gropes, what do you want to plug?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's obviously wet.

The day after wet day.

Yeah.

Grop me, but don't sweep me under the doug dot

com or dot biz.

Well, it's depending.

Com would be wrong, though, you said.

Yeah, it could be.

That won't lead you to where they need to be.

Right, but they might get, it's an old website.

They'll be reflecting.

Maybe they'll refer you.

They'll say, hey, you're at the wrong place.

And the coupon code, do you want the, you try the, let me know, all one word, all one word.

And also just,

I'd like to,

I would love to

have people go out and watch episodes nine and ten of season one of Maude, Maude's dilemma, where she is faced with getting an abortion.

Okay.

Why?

So that, just to

try to, because sometimes like getting people out there to think about things, what's going on in the community.

Okay, are these issues important to you?

Wait, do you have, did you impregnate your girlfriend recently?

No, I'm just wearing.

Hey, do you want her to watch

on those stilts?

If you're trying not to have a granddaughter, this is the way to go about it.

I just would like to.

Do you fuck on stilts?

Of course I do.

Everything is on stilts.

Do they need to be wearing stilts?

Well, I do have.

I can't imagine the physics would work.

I don't want to let you know.

I see you guys putting on stilts just because I mentioned it.

It's personal, but I put my penis on stilts.

I put my penis on stilts.

So my penis is on stilts.

My hands are on stilts, and my feet are on stilts during lovemaking.

And I don't know.

But Maud, episodes nine and ten.

It's Maud's Dilemma.

You'll love it.

Okay, wonderful.

I want to plug, head over to cbbworld.com to get the full archives of this show,

as well as ad-free episodes, as well as ad-free and archives of freedom.

And you have the Andy Daily Podcast Project.

You have CBB Presents.

And you have Scott Asn's Seen.

We just watched Super Mario Brothers with

the Get Played crew.

Very interesting episode.

And we're watching.

So are you going for themes rather than going for good movies?

I guess so.

No, well, this on Good Friday, which, as we all know, happens right after Wed Day.

That's right.

We're watching The Passion of the Christ this week.

So

listen to that episode.

All right, let's close up the old plugback.

Take one hand, put it up.

Take the other, put it down.

You're gonna make a box, it's time to start to close it.

But don't close it too much, or you open up the plug bag.

We're opening up the plug bag.

And when you open up that plug bag, you open up your heart for the rest of the world.

I'm talking, open up the plug bag.

Huh, okay.

That was,

and I'm going to try to get this right.

That was Harg LeBarg with plug grass.

Harglabarg.

Harglabarg.

Guys, I want to thank you so much.

I want to thank the dearly departed Paul F.

Tompkins.

He's not dead.

He just left.

And I want to, look, Doug Ropes.

You've got it.

Yeah, I do.

I don't know what, though.

I can't wait to be back.

Yeah, I mean, you end up coming back every couple of years.

No, and when I do come back, I want everybody to have watched the mod so

we can discuss what went down and see how it kind of relates to everything we do in our life financially and not.

Definitely, definitely.

And

Spike and Ike,

thank you for having us.

Hey, you do.

Granddaughter.

Thank you for having us.

You said granddaughter.

You didn't even bother with any of your catchphrases.

No, like yum, yum, yum, or those were just hair.

No, I don't keep catchphrases from one segment to the other.

Really?

You let them all go?

Two ones each segment.

Okay, what's this segment?

Thank you for having us.

Oh, that's your catchphrase.

All right, we'll see you next time.

Thanks.

Bye.

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