Wet Day Special 2025 (Paul F. Tompkins, Drew Tarver, Ryan Gaul)

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mine, come and see back mine.

Get on the wet foot, do the damp thing, and pass the soggy peas.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Day.

I know what time of year it is.

That's right.

Thanks to your all.

Nope, sorry.

You're in all cakes for that cashfruit.

You're in all cakes.

In all cakes.

Every single one of them.

Oh, I think I understand it.

What is it?

Urinal cakes.

You're in all cakes.

Yes.

The wettest things.

Why do they have to name them urinal cakes?

It sounds so delicious.

I mean, it's so tempting.

I don't want to, come on.

It's mixed messages here, guys.

Cakes.

That's like the Iraq war whenever anyone here.

Yellow cake uranium.

I would get so excited.

It made me think it's supermarket sheet cake.

Ooh, yellow cake.

I want some of that.

With chocolate frosting.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition.

And we all know what week this is.

That's right.

We'll be talking about it.

My name is Scott Auckerman.

I am here with

my fellow enthusiast of the holiday that we are celebrating.

Co-creator.

Co-creator.

I mean, you're an enthusiast as well.

Well, I was so enthusiastic, I co-created it.

Let me introduce him.

You know him as a comedian of notes.

Please, I'll allow you to introduce myself.

He is a raconteur.

He is an actor.

He is a voiceover artist.

He is a touring professional comedian who has a tour entitled Varia Turpia, which is coming to the United States and Canada in approximately one week to 10 days from now.

So true.

And I have to say many Urkels to him.

Please welcome Paul Eve Tompkins.

Many Urkels to you.

Many hamburgers to you.

Of course.

Now, many Urkels to you is, of course, the Wet Day greeting.

And that is what we're talking about here.

We are celebrating here.

This is the day we are observing.

Yes.

Wet Day Observe.

Wet Day is this Thursday.

Yes.

Of course, April 10th.

And And the reason we do this before the actual day is because we know people want to spend it with their families.

Yes.

And they don't want to have to listen to this.

This is in the movie.

This is to get you hyped up.

Now, we're celebrating.

We're as wet as we can possibly be.

I'm drenched.

I have wet hair from the shower.

That was just the start of it.

Oh, wet hair from the shower.

Wet hair from the shower, I know.

Right?

That is one of those.

Of course, we are also celebrating on Thursday, Haley Joel Osmond's birthday.

He shares that with Wet Day.

Yes, probably.

he probably it sucks because you get one present for both.

Exactly.

But I will say the day he was born is probably the wettest he's ever been.

Oh my God.

You know what I mean?

Nine months leading up to it.

I wish we could remember how wet we were before we're born and when we come out.

Because we're so wet, we're like breathing liquid.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

That's as wet as guess, baby.

Yeah.

Like there's, there's not even air in the lungs.

How, okay, let's get into gills.

Yeah.

How does that shit work?

This is crazy, but I don't have any idea.

You got a bunch of tears in the side of your head.

There's slits in the side of your head.

I know you didn't want to say slits, but tears feels too imprecise.

And then

in goes water and out goes bubbles.

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

Oh, yeah, that's what it is.

Hey, thank you.

In goes water, out goes bubbles.

Problem solved.

Fish, I think, are perhaps the animal most associated with wet day.

I thought you were going to say, fish, you're on notice.

I would never put fish on notice.

Do you allow fish to listen to this podcast or do you feel like they shouldn't?

I feel like this is the Animal Kingdoms podcast, of course.

It was humanities podcast, and then we broadened the scope to incorporate and include the animal kingdom.

I think fish are in the animal kingdom, although I, you know, I mean, fish are that weird kind of thing where like you, you don't eat animals, but you do eat fish.

So are they animals?

You know what I mean?

Like, oh, no, I do.

Oh, I don't, no, I I don't eat animals.

Yeah, I'll have fish every once in a while.

Yeah.

Like, fish is just a slimy thing.

Yeah.

You know what it is?

It's like a glorified worm.

Now, I'm going to ask you to put fish out of your mind.

Okay.

And I want to do a little experiment because I have an answer.

Okay.

And I want to see what your answer is.

I've cleared fish from my mind, but I'm not going to give them at all.

When I say the phrase

animal, yeah, then I win how much?

$500,000, I think.

Dang.

That's a lot.

You just say it.

What is this radio station doing?

Half a million dollars?

I have no idea how we're profitable.

So when I say this phrase to you, I want you to say the first

thing that you picture.

First thing I picture.

Okay.

All right.

Animal kingdom.

I pictured a cheetah

in a big African safari.

Okay.

For some reason, I go bear.

You go bear.

That's the first thing I think of as a bear.

You think the king of the kingdom is a bear?

No.

I think that he's a subject of the animal kingdom.

Who do you think is the king?

The lion.

Truly the lion.

Truly.

And why is that?

Why does he get top billing?

Why is he not?

I think he looks the most kingly.

Is it that mane?

Yeah, it is.

He looks the most kingly.

By the way, he doesn't do shit.

The lioness.

He doesn't do shit.

The lioness does all the work.

Yeah, tell me about it.

He just like sits around at home waiting for her to bring back everything.

Yeah, looking at himself in the mirror.

Oh, check out this mane of mine.

Oh, I'm gorgeous.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, this man.

It is pretty impressive, though.

You got it.

It's a beautiful mane.

I mean, honestly, it's so beautiful, he should be the king of the jungle.

But think how bad it looks on a person.

If a person has equal length hair and beard, no mustache, that looks like shit.

Well, I mean, what are we?

Are we talking about Kenny Loggins or what are we saying?

Well, he had a mustache.

He didn't have just a beard.

Did he have a, he must have had a beard at one point.

No, he had a beard with a mustache, though.

I'm saying, like.

Oh, I see.

So you're talking Abraham Lincoln.

Full beard, same length as your hair, no mustache.

Terrible.

And if you have that look, I apologize.

And that is as dry a look as it can get, unless your hair is stopping wet, of course, which I hope it would be on wet day.

Let's take,

let's take everyone through a little bit about what we're talking about.

What is wet day?

Yes, if you're, if you're new to the holiday.

That's right, because I believe this is our.

This is our fourth annual wet day special.

Feels like more.

Feels like we've been doing this for a long, long time.

What is wet day?

We created wet day back in 2021, at the end of 2021 and this is a tradition of wet day is to explain the history and the lore yes we created it uh and and the concept of wet day is wet day is a day where you get as wet as you can possibly be

because on april 1st you have gone through so many uh pranks that people have played on you getting you wet yes squirting flowers you know that you've dropped a bottle of a pail of water over the door exactly like all of this you're you're wet all day you've had nine cutting cutting your brakes and you drive near a river

You've had nine days to dry off and you want to be wet again.

And so we celebrate.

It's just not enough.

You miss it.

You're like, actually, that was fun.

So that's what it is.

It's April 10th every year, which means it falls on a different day of the week every year.

That's right.

One of those.

Of course, some of the things that we do, the wet day traditions, Poseidon, the Greek god, is the patron saint of wet day.

But now Urkel is the new patron of wet day.

It used to be be jim belushi but um

it is i don't know why it is now urkel which is why we say many urkels to you why is it

i don't know okay

um wet day is the day of course to spray elon musk with a civil rights grade fire hose

michael richards is a wet day thing

due to him being sprayed in uhf by the same type of fire hose.

Okay.

Waterworld, of course, is the wet day movie.

100%.

And you have to go to the Water World stun show on wet day, of course, at Universal Studios, sit in the splash zone.

Make the pilgrimage.

And if you don't celebrate wet day,

which for those of you out there, I wish you would, but if you don't celebrate it, go see Dune.

Yes.

The absolute movie.

The absolute opposite.

The opposite of Water World.

Yeah.

Weird Al should call himself Wet Al on Wet Day.

Wet Day is not a religious holiday, but I think we should take bids from religious movies.

Even though it has a patron saint.

Yeah.

I like the idea of taking bids.

Who wants it?

Yeah, who wants it bad enough?

Who wants it?

It is a global holiday.

Are we including cults?

Can cults bid?

Sure.

Any cults, yeah.

If you want to revitalize your cult, hey, what was that one?

Nixium, Nivium.

Nexium.

Nexium.

Yeah.

Yeah, I almost, I got there.

Oh, if people get brands of Wet Day on their loins.

Just like drops of water, brands of drops of water.

The water emoji, the spreading water emoji.

Yeah, put it right next to their private parts.

Yeah.

Get it.

Wet Day eve of course is celebrated two months before on january 10th of 2024 on wet day eve hopefully everyone already did this on january 10th you should put everything you own in the shower and then get on top of it that's more than two months before i would say yeah that's three months before probably yeah yeah yeah closer to that

um

in uh 2022 we mentioned you should begin decorating for wet day on st patrick's day yes um what you do is you demoisten all of your things.

You demoisten things starting October so you can start being really wet midnight on wet day eve.

That's right.

You should start drying things out.

Get your hair dryer.

Make sure everything is as dry as it can be.

Leave the caps off of stuff.

Sure.

The decorations, of course, for wet day, we string together popcorn and ice cubes and

we place a wet tree outside our house or apartment, open a window, and then bend it so that it leans inside.

That's right.

The primary thing is the tree has to be wet.

Not the wettest tree of all time.

No, no, no, no.

Just the wettest tree you can find.

I mean, obviously, people, like the Great Christmas light fight, people will be competing in their neighborhoods to have the wettest tree.

Sure, that's just slightly leaning into your window from the side.

All the families, of course, somebody has had cancer.

That's what happens on the Great Christmas Light Fight.

As you find out somebody has had cancer.

Yes.

What do we do on wet day?

We take a longer shower than usual.

Now,

30 minutes exactly is how we take our showers on non-wet days.

Yeah, that's right.

We extend that to 45 minutes.

Drought or no?

We extend that to 45 minutes on wet days.

We sleep in a full tub.

We visit wet places

and we toss water balloons into local businesses at customers.

We take the ink out of all of our pens and fill them with water and put that ink into vaudeville-esque squirting flowers, right?

So that when you assume it will be a flower that squirts water at you, it squirts ink.

Yeah, and you don't know.

You have no idea.

If you've been hit by it, you have no idea until you look in the mirror.

Exactly.

Yeah.

Now, on wet day, regardless of your gender identity or your age, you should tell people, I'm an old man, because your fingers will be pruny and wrinkled from being wet.

Very important.

It's very important.

Very important.

You should tell the wettest story you have.

Yes.

That's fun for the family to do, to gather around and, you know.

Of course.

You should host wet t-shirt contests.

100%.

Yes.

You should be doing that anyway, frankly.

The official wet day after show is Watch Wet Happens Live,

which will be live regardless of where you are or what time time it is that's right uh and on this show they invite alcoholics of the past present and future

now here's something very important

wait a minute i don't know

this is all in a doc how do they get the future i don't know how did they determine that someone is in the future going

you find so you're invited on the show and you find out you're going to be an alcoholic it's a big reveal oh no there's nothing you can do about it this is very important if you drink something on wet day it should not have ice

if you do have to get something on the rocks wait 30 minutes for the ice to melt and then drink it yeah because although ice is wet it's it's hard it's not as wet as water it's not as it's not as wet as water now let's talk about the wet day carols because this is a big part of wet days

is to

join in with your friends and go traversing through the neighborhood and knocking on doors and singing wet day carols.

Yeah.

Number one with a bullet, of course, was WAP.

Yeah.

Wet ass pussy.

That's correct.

That's the number one wet day song.

It's the jingle bells of wet day.

Yeah.

Now, we also mentioned Gonna Make You Sweat by CNC Factory,

which, by the way, sweat has wet in it.

That's so true.

You know what I mean?

You can't spell sweat without wet.

You can't.

It's a very like who's like, oh, what's that stuff coming out of our bodies?

You also

sweat.

You also can't spell sweater without wet.

And maybe instead of wet t-shirt, or in addition to wet t-shirt, excuse me, instead of

wet t-shirts.

Wet sweater contests.

Yes.

We also have Bringing in the Sheaves is a wet day carol.

Yep.

Because even though it's about wheat, you can just pronounce wheat as wet.

Yep.

Also, Keith Sweat's entire discography.

Apparently we made a rule that you cannot fade songs out on wet day.

No.

You have to have a hard stop.

Hard stop.

And in fact, any wet day carol should have a NASA countdown letting you know it's going to end.

The wet day holiday band is wet, wet, wet.

What are some gifts you can give people on wet day?

Should we?

I think we should also include.

Yes.

Well, there's a new wet day carol.

That's right.

That's right.

It's been brought to our attention.

Do you want to hear it?

Yes, I would like to hear it.

I queued this out.

I was so excited.

This came out about two months ago.

Oh, it's not what I was thinking.

Oh, okay.

Well, this is this is one I was very excited by.

Hey Bruno!

Hey Bruno.

Fat, juicy, and wet.

I don't even gangbang.

Pussy's so good, make me throw up a set.

I don't even gangbang.

Fat, Juicy, and Wet, of course, by Sexy Red and Bruno Mars.

When this came out, I was like,

come on.

Now they're just trolling us.

They want us.

But look, this is a thing that artists do because they feel like it's a surefire way to make money: release a holiday album.

And it'll be played every year on Wednesday.

Everybody's going after Mariah Carey.

Does she have any wet day carols?

She's, I would love for on one of her Christmas albums just to throw a wet day song in there.

You know what I mean?

We should try to find out what her wettest song is.

Yeah, I want.

Let me look that up.

I wonder if AI would help me out with that.

Oh, please.

Chat GPT.

What is Mariah Carey's wettest song?

All right, let's see.

Through the rain is often cited as one of her most wet or sensual songs.

Surprisingly, AI Overview has an answer for it.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

Through the rain.

There we go.

And they're not wrong because wet and sensual, kind of the same thing.

Let's hear a little through the rain here.

Sure.

You are a disgrace to this family.

Didn't you teach me to follow my heart?

Who's Meadow Soprano in the video?

Then why can't you see that?

You are a kid.

You don't know what you believe in.

I'm leaving.

A little bit of dramatic acting before the song starts.

A little bit of dramatic acting before the song starts.

Oh, a necklace or a charm bracelet falls on the ground.

Who's playing the mom?

I don't know, but I feel like there's a freaky Friday situation going on.

I hate you.

So far, nothing wet in this video.

No.

She's, it's, it's a period piece.

Oh, I mean,

come on.

Stop.

Coming right now.

Okay, put up.

That's all we need.

That's all we need.

We need to get it.

We get rain.

You're wet.

You are absolutely wet.

There's another song, though, that many people have brought to our attention.

What's that?

God, I love this holiday.

Bus stop by the Hollies.

What?

Bus Stop?

Yes.

Bus Stop, Hollies.

All right, I have this all queued up.

We'll see

what...

No ad?

No ad.

Can you believe it?

The Holly's are not monetizing their old songs.

Bus stop, wet day, she's been wet.

The second thing.

Second thing they say.

Wet day.

Bus stop, wet day.

And that song goes on to mention umbrellas many times.

The one thing I would say is it's not bus stop day, Holly's.

You know?

It's true, but maybe they're at the bus stop stop on wet day to go to the Universal Studios

water water.

Isn't that gone spectacular?

Let's talk about wet day gifts.

Obviously, the bottled water is

traditional.

Traditional.

You put that in wet day stockings, but a wet car with a wet bow is

a giant wet bow.

Giant wet bow.

These are,

of course, all of the things we've talked about on previous episodes.

By the way, a couple episodes ago, Hannah Einbinder is aware of Wet Day and is taking it up the corporate ladder to help make it an official holiday.

So that's very exciting.

And then last week, John Hamm

added another new wrinkle to it, which is Friday.

He is now calling Dry Day.

Friday, Dry Day, because that's the day after Wet Day.

That's interesting but it's not every year.

No, no, just on the on the few occasions that Wet Day falls upon a thursday you get to see friday then becomes dry day tomorrow's dray and you you have to act real sad yes you do because unfortunately yeah uh it's not like black friday at all it's uh no you do have to get as dry as you possibly can yes and that that has to start honestly the day after wet day is the day you should be at your absolute driest that's right and then you can get incrementally wet throughout the year yeah up until april fool's day when of course you're you're drenched april fool's day you might be even wetter than what you are on wet day maybe depending on how your family likes to prank you.

Yeah.

Anyway, happy wet day to you.

Happy wet day to you and to all the listeners.

Do you have plans for Thursday?

Do you know what you're doing exactly other than everything we've discussed?

My wife and I will be going to a water park.

Great.

Where we will

swap bathing suits.

We'll swap bathing suits.

On one of the slides.

Yes.

We're going to go through the tunnel.

Then when we come out, we're going to be wearing each other's bathing suits.

It's a great reveal for the entire,

all of the visitors to the park.

That's right.

We love it.

We're going to travel everywhere we go exclusively by flume.

Sure.

Well, are you carving your own flume out of a log?

Last year, Janie gave me a flume for wet days.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

And I got her a comb.

She cut off her hair.

Fantastic.

Well, what are you going to do?

Well, I mean, you know, what is the wettest place in California?

You know, La Brea tar pits?

La Brea tar pits.

I'm just diving right in.

Let me ask you.

Yeah.

Does that count as wet?

It's goopy.

It's goopy.

This is not goop day.

When we mentioned,

I feel like toothpaste came up early.

Gwyneth Paltrow.

She got all excited.

So who's goopier?

You don't go around, you know, like wishing the best for everyone who sued you and tapping them on the shoulder.

Well, if you win.

You do.

When you're counter-suing for $1.

But that's a good point.

Like,

I would come out of the tar pits kind of going like, I'm all sticky.

It's not that I'm wet.

It's like things like toothpaste, right?

It's a thing that you associate with wet, but it's not itself.

No, no.

No, it's not.

Yeah, that's the thing.

It's just sticky.

It has a sheen on it.

Yeah.

I don't think it counts.

I think the tar pits, you're out.

You're no longer part of wet day.

Is Michael Sheen associated with wet day?

He should be.

Because a wet thing can have a sheen on it.

It can.

Are there any celebrities with wet in their names?

F.

Murray Wetman.

F.

Murray Wetram.

I couldn't even get that.

Or how about just Wet Murray Abraham?

Oh, Paul Wet Tompkins.

Paul Wet Tompkins.

On wet day, my name is Paul Wet Tompkins.

That's right.

Francis be gone.

The F is no longer there.

It's now Paul W.

Tompkins.

That's right.

I'm just going to go to the wettest places I can find.

I like to go around to all of my neighbors' swimming pools.

Oh, yeah.

Like Burt Lancaster in that movie.

Which movie?

The Swimmer.

Was it really called The Swimming?

Yeah, it was based on either a novel or a short story by John Cheever, I think.

Wow.

And the idea is this man decides to...

He's at somebody's pool and he decides he's going to swim home, quote unquote, by going to everybody's pool on the way and going to their backyard, swimming through it.

Swimming the length of it and then going to a different pool, swimming the length of that.

That's where I learned the term bull shots, which is some sort of alcoholic drink where you put bullion in it.

This movie sounds like it's perfect for wet day.

But people, you know what?

It is perfect for wet day because people keep asking him what he's doing, and he goes, I'm swimming home.

I am going to get a DVD of this movie, put it in my DVD player, and then get a bucket of water and pour it over the DVD player.

Oh, that's great.

See what happens.

No, absolutely.

See what I think.

You know what's going to happen.

I I think a fun thing.

A fun thing.

And that's what Wet Day is all about.

It's about fun and it's about family.

The two F's.

That's right.

And I feel like the reason Water World is the wettest movie.

Yeah.

And a movie like The Swimmer is a very wet movie.

Yeah.

Is because it's people getting wet.

That's a thing.

So like a movie like Free Willie?

No, come on.

No, who cares if that guy's already wet?

He's already wet.

He loves being wet.

Yeah.

They're going to release him from one wet place to another?

You know, in the poster for Free Willie, he's jumping out of the water and he's saying like, no, I don't want to be out of this.

Yeah.

And they, and they erased that.

Wait a minute.

Or is he jumping out saying, I don't want to be wet anymore?

Oh, my God.

Free Willie is

the enemy of wet day.

Yeah.

You said it?

You said it.

Free Willie.

The enemy of wet day.

If you see Free Willie on wet day, you're allowed to shoot him.

Yep.

Dead.

That's right.

And make your own movie about it.

Like Blackfish.

Make the sequel to Free Willie 3.

I shot him.

It's the the sequel to both Free Willie and Blackfish.

It's the first movie to be a sequel to two other movies.

I love it.

Well, I'm going to have so much fun this wet day.

We're all having so much fun here on the show.

It's, of course, four days away, and we want everyone to prepare as much as they can.

I mean, not as much as they did on wet day eve necessarily.

Yeah.

But get your, get your friends together, get your families together, and just plan out what you're going to do on a wet day because you don't want to be like one of these guys who comes to the office on St.

Patrick's Day and you're not wearing green.

And you get pinched.

You get pinched.

What if you're not wet on wet day?

What happens?

Do you get punched?

I mean,

I guess you get punched so hard that some of your wetness comes out.

Yes.

Blood?

Yeah.

Your wetness in the form of blood.

Blood's wet.

Blood's sticky as well, like tar.

But it's wet.

It's pretty wet.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

So, yeah.

If you're not wet on wet day, you get punched in your nose so hard that the wettest liquid in your body comes out of it.

Yeah.

And if you don't, if you, if the, if the blood doesn't come out right away, they got to keep punching until punching until blood comes out.

Yeah, yeah, even if you're a hemophiliac, especially if you are.

Yeah, so if you're a hemophiliac and you're at risk, you got to be wet on wet days.

You better be.

Here's what people should be doing now as they're listening to this: they should be filling up their tub, they should be filling up buckets, pots,

bottles, any container that they have, they should be filling with anything in your house that you can turn upside down and it can hold liquid, turn it upside down and put water in shoot right now.

Sure, sure.

Look, shoot, shoes, shoes, shoes,

shoes,

We're always thinking, like, oh, let's put hard things in there, feet.

No, put soft things in there, water.

Water, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

And even if you live in a place that has hard water, it's softer than feet.

Come on, grow up.

Grow up.

Let's not do this on wet day.

Let's not, wet day is about.

taking time with our friends and family.

It's not about like, you know, arguing about what are the rules of wet day.

Do you know what else is a thing you can say to each other on wet day?

You can say,

because I think

it's so perfect and it's a wonderful thing to say.

Wonderful.

You say the word juice like David Schwimmer did in that OJ series.

Juice.

Juice.

Juice.

Juice.

You greet each other like that.

Juice is fairly wet.

Oh, juice is wet.

It's a little sticky.

It is sticky.

Look, not everything that's wet is sticky and not everything that's sticky is wet.

It's a good point.

Bubblegum?

Sticky.

Bubblegum.

It's not wet, but when it's in your mouth, it's wet.

If you're doing it right.

Yeah.

If you put bubblegum in your mouth and it stays dry.

Take it out a couple minutes later, it's still dry.

Go to the hospital.

And also, be careful because the grape hubba-bubba has spider eggs in it.

Yes, thank you.

I heard this a long time ago, and I assume it must still be true.

You know, I bought approximately 10 boxes of Girl Scout cookies, and apparently they all have metal shards in them or something.

Is that new?

Yes.

Why do they start doing that?

I don't know.

Interesting group.

This is a new thing for 2025.

I don't know.

Yeah,

I wouldn't eat those.

Hopefully, hopefully it's going to rain on a wet day.

That is one of the best.

Here in Los Angeles, it has been kind of overcast, a little sprinkly.

We're just praying for rain this wet day.

Yeah, Yeah, it's the only time I pray.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Other than when you're about to be hit by like a semi-truck.

Oh, yeah, when my life is in danger, of course I pray.

Yeah.

And I very quickly say, I know I haven't prayed long guy, but,

and then I say, please spare me.

Please spare me.

And if you spare me, I'll do this, this, and this.

And then

when you are spared.

Yeah.

It's like he knew.

But God knows I wasn't going to do any of this.

What is this game that God is playing with us?

Yeah.

These are the questions we ask on wet day.

What is this game that God is playing with us?

It's the foundational question of wet day.

What game is God playing?

He knows everything we're going to do and don't do, right?

Yeah, it's all planned out in the future.

Yeah.

Unless he sees the tributaries of realities of these are possibilities.

I don't think there are any.

Like the multiverse?

Yeah, I don't think there are any.

I think he has set it all out.

It's all planned.

Yeah.

There's no free will.

There's absolutely no free will.

He said that.

Who told us that?

He did.

Why am I going to believe him?

This guy has a hell.

He sends people there,

if you don't like him enough, you go to hell.

That's crazy.

If wet day happens on Sunday,

do people go to church?

I think you go straight to heaven.

If it ever happens on Sunday, if wet day happens on Sunday, you go to church.

You go straight to heaven.

Just your shoes are left behind.

I'm trying to think because it'll be on Friday next year.

Yeah.

Then 2027, it'll be on Saturday.

2028, it skips over to Monday, I believe, because of leap year.

Wow.

So maybe you're right.

Maybe it's never occurred on a Sunday before.

Is it possible?

No.

This is crazy.

What?

There's a second wet day on leap year?

When would it

be?

On the 29th?

On the 29th?

I don't know.

Is that too much?

Is that too many wet days?

I don't know.

Or is it a second wet day Eve?

Okay, we'll allow it to be a second wet day Eve.

Yeah, I believe

look, Christmas Eve is fun.

Wouldn't it be fun if there were two Christmas Eves?

When would you make it on December 23rd and 24th?

Or would you make it November 1st?

November 1st.

Just another Christmas Eve.

I mean, Thanksgiving is almost Christmas Eve.

Yeah, it is.

Do you know what I mean?

Well, it's too adjacent to Christmas in my mind.

It should be in July.

Well, we, of course, on Threedom, we've all

the holidays.

I think we did a great job.

There should only be one every month.

Yeah.

One holiday a month.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it should be on the first.

And there's some months that need one.

Yeah.

It should be the first of every month.

The first of every month, because all these things of like, what day is Thanksgiving this year?

What day is Easter?

No, it's always on the first of the month.

Always on the first.

Okay, because that's what New Year's Eve is.

Yeah.

And it's not like you're going to be celebrating that on any other day.

And we did have to get rid of Election Day, which is too bad.

Yep, too bad.

Yeah, because we couldn't, they wouldn't fit.

And

you must have quit if that happens.

There are too many good holidays.

Jews.

Jews.

Jews.

So wet day will be our April holiday.

Sorry, Easter.

Sorry, Easter.

You were too boring.

There is.

I mean, wet day is so much better than Easter.

Easter, you have what?

Hiding eggs?

Get the fuck out of here.

What if you don't have kids?

Yeah.

What if you're not a kid and you don't have kids?

You have nothing.

You have nothing for each church?

But you can

hide bottles of water.

Yes, you can.

And you should dye them.

Yeah, you can die.

Exactly.

You put food coloring and water.

Food coloring and water.

It's gorgeous.

That's fun.

It's so much fun.

Anyway, I also want to say, I think on a wet day, you can drink that blue stuff in the barber shop.

Yeah.

The barbicide, is that what they call it?

Doesn't it sound like the barber's going to murder it?

It kills hair.

You become the victim of barberside.

There should be a law and order barberside.

Barbicide life on the streets.

It's just a rash of barbers killing people every week, 22 times a year.

Iced T can come over.

He can pour it over.

He could be the new munch.

Exactly.

He could be the new munch.

I want a new munch.

I don't think he would ever do that, though, right?

He would never,

he would never betray his SVU family.

Iced T, I don't, I can't see him saying, I'm going to replace Richard Belgium as much.

Iced T, we want to see you wet on wet day.

We sure.

If you can find a picture of Iced T wet,

he's a guy who I cannot imagine ever being wet like anytime he's on that Law and Order show He's probably dry as can be Yeah, yeah, so if you can find a picture of iced tea actually wet like stepping out of a pool or something Yeah, then send it to us

or if there's a painting of iced tea like the Venus on the half show sure

or or a some sort of a statue like the David without any arms of iced tea wet and wet yeah, then please send it to us.

If you've if you have seen a statue of an armless iced tea who is soaking wet, please send that to us.

So happy wet day to everyone.

We're here celebrating.

Each and everyone.

From the tallest to the smallest.

That's right.

Although I would say the smallest and the tallest,

no.

No, everybody in between.

Everyone in between.

But the smallest and the tallest?

No.

It's like you don't get to celebrate with kids from one to 92.

Sure.

If you're a newborn, no.

Nope.

And if you're 93, Fuck off.

You've had plenty of time to celebrate.

I bet you're sick of it at this point.

I'm going to say for wet day, it should be for kids from 2 to 91.

2 to 91.

Okay, great.

Yeah.

Great.

All right.

So

if you're 92, don't celebrate wet day.

We don't want you to get pneumonia.

We're looking.

That's true.

It seems cruel, but it's actually very kind.

It's kind of us.

Thank you.

It's kind of us.

It's kind of us.

Yeah, this is kind of us.

I'm thinking us.

Kind of.

Well, happy wet day to you, sir.

And happy wet day to you, sir.

Many Urkels.

This is an incredible time to be spending with you.

We have a wonderful show here on Comedy Bang Bang this week.

I know, Paul, you have to go, but I have to leave immediately.

Yeah, a little later we have

a couple of gentlemen, and then we have a receptionist also on the show.

So this is a wonderful show we're going to be celebrating here on wet day.

Wish you could stay, but you can't.

But when we come back, we'll have a couple of gentlemen and then a receptionist.

We'll be right back with more wet day comedy bang bang after this.

Boy, sticker shock, huh?

You know what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about prices.

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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Who do you go to in order to solve your problems, your life problems?

A lot of people don't want to hear about it, right?

I mean, if it's your friends, you can just start dragging them down with all your problems.

Like, they're there to be friendly and have good times with you sometimes.

Sometimes, I mean, sometimes they want to hear your problems, but enough already.

I'm talking to my friends right now.

Enough already.

You know,

what do you overshare with strangers?

They don't want to hear about it.

Definitely.

Well, there's a difference between that, doing those things that people don't like, and actually talking with a therapist.

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You know, when you think about game day,

you might not think Wayfair, right?

I mean, they're two, one's two words and one's one word, first of all.

That's confusing right off the bat.

And then they're totally different

letters, although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair, and the W and the

Y is in both.

I mean, this is pretty similar, actually.

Game day, Wayfair.

I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair, right?

Wayfair is the best kept secret for incredible and affordable game day finds, whether you're upgrading your tailgate with coolers that stay cold or patio heaters that stay hot.

Cold things should stay cold and hot things should stay hot, right?

Wayfair has something for every style and every home, no matter your space or your budget.

They even have decor and merch from your favorite sports teams.

And the best part, Wayfair offers free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff.

And when you're talking big stuff, here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day.

I mean, when I say I, I mean cool op.

Kulop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff.

She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween,

a rabbit sitting with a ladybug.

I guess that's year-round.

That can just stay out there forever.

So yeah.

So Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes.

In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day, from coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers.

Shop, save, and score

goal today at Wayfair.com.

That's WAYFAIR.com.

Wayfair, every style, every home.

Comedy Bang Bang, Wet Day Spectacular.

Fourth annual wet day

spectacular here.

And unfortunately, Paul F.

Tompkins had to go.

Love him, though.

Love celebrating wet day with him, even if it's just for a few moments.

But let's get to our next guests.

They are a couple of gentlemen, I mentioned, and they've been on the show a few times before, and I believe on wet day a few times.

Please welcome back to the show I Can Spike Mink Salmon.

I'm going to tell you this once.

We're only going to say it once.

We're not going to say this again.

Stay away from our granddaughter.

Okay, this is the only time you're going to say this?

We promise you.

Okay, you're never going to say it again.

We swear.

The last thing we're ever going to say again is, stay away from our granddaughter.

Okay, so starting now, you're not going to say this.

We see your eyes.

I know what you want to do.

Is she here?

Look, look.

You're forcing us to say it again.

Stay away from

our granddaughter.

so wait don't ask where she is

because then you'll walk over and you will not be so it's a walkable distance staying away from

our granddaughter the last thing you want to do is wonder where she is because once you start wondering you're gonna start looking around

and if you spot her we know you're gonna want to walk over and you can't because you have to continue to

stay away from our granddaughter my question is,

it's a walkable distance to get to her, you said.

Why bring her so close to me if you want her to stay away from me?

What you're doing right now is you're skating on thin ice.

You're counting your steps.

How many steps am I from their granddaughter?

You're looking at your Fitbit.

You're saying,

can I get 10,000 steps towards their granddaughter?

Could I cross out some of my rings if I walk over to their granddaughter?

Can I just put it in the dryer, turn it on, and make the Fitbit think that it walked around?

Don't be tricking your Fitbit while you walk over to our granddaughter.

I can't walk over to the Fitbit.

There's two things you remember.

Number one, don't be afraid of yourself.

Don't be tricking your Fitbit.

Number two, stay away from our granddaughter.

Last time we're going to say.

All right.

Can I ask a question?

I get it.

As long as the question isn't, where's your granddaughter?

Okay, I will not ask that.

But I am supposed to stay away from your granddaughter.

I don't even know your granddaughter, by the way.

You've been on the show several times.

I don't know who she is or why you want me to stay away from her granddaughter.

Let's keep it that way.

But let's, okay, I accept this.

You want me to stay away from your granddaughter.

Do you also want your granddaughter to stay away from me?

Our granddaughter can go anywhere she wants.

She's a little princess.

We love her.

We dote on her.

She's the apple of our eye.

She can do whatever she likes.

You, it's a different story.

You have to know who she is.

Avoid her.

If you see her, run away.

Stay away.

But she can approach me.

Yes.

Okay.

I mean, so what's to stop her?

If I were you, I wouldn't even think about her approaching you.

That's the last thing you should have on your mind.

But if she's the one in control,

that's okay.

But as soon as you switch the tables and you become in control and approach her, you're going to be skating on thin ice.

Okay, so as long as she's in control, all gas, no brakes,

then she can, like, say I'm just sitting here and I feel a tap on my shoulder.

I turn around and there's what were you doing to bring her over?

Why were you sitting there where she was?

But say I'm sitting here, which this is my personal property.

This is,

and she's...

What if she likes computers or or sound equipment?

You are entrapping.

What if she's lost and she wanders in here?

I have not put anything out on the internet.

I want to make that very plain.

I've not put anything out on the internet of like, hey, come by my house or anything like that.

I don't even, how old is your granddaughter?

Do you occasionally put stuff out on the internet that says, come by my house?

Are you talking about an email or just sort of a post?

Are you talking about an evite?

Come by my house.

Sometimes I will send an evite out.

Is there a specific occasion like your birthday party?

Sure, yeah.

Say it's my birthday party.

Come by my house on my birthday party.

Yeah.

Is that okay?

Dot, not to our granddaughter.

You better not send that to her granddaughter.

What's her email address?

Do I make sure I cross that off the list?

Okay.

Let's get one thing straight.

As far as you're concerned, our granddaughter has no internet presence whatsoever.

We just had to switch her over to a different email.

She was getting too much mail.

Don't even think about emailing our granddaughter.

What was the original email address that you had to...

And why was she getting so much money?

Oh, a granddaughter, a Gmail.

And now it's our granddaughter one at Gmail.

Okay, I won't email her then.

We're going to have to make a new address.

We shouldn't have said it.

You know which way I want to go.

Yeah, I think I do.

You know the number.

And it's not that far away from the first number we picked.

It's probably two.

Don't.

Shit.

Don't even speculate on the new email address for our granddaughter.

Okay.

I don't know who your granddaughter granddaughter is.

How old is she?

Let's keep it that way.

Let's keep it that way.

She's not saying her age.

It's rude to our granddaughter.

She's still a little lady.

You don't ask how old somebody's granddaughter is.

It's rude.

She's granddaughter age.

You know

you guys are old men.

Yes.

And if you want to become one, you'll stay away from our granddaughter.

You want to be old?

You want to keep inviting people over to your house, stopping by for your birthday?

Stay away from our granddaughter.

You want to keep having a birthday to celebrate?

Stay away from our granddaughter.

Is there a way,

could you make me age a number, but just keep my young appearance?

Is there a way to do that?

Looks like you had nothing but a number.

That ship has already sailed.

I'm saying from here on in.

Like, can I become immortal if I stay away from your granddaughter?

Trunk cost fallacy.

You don't don't have any supernatural.

Kabishe.

Oh, wow, that's a new wrinkle.

Kabishe.

Kabishe.

Got it.

Yeah, you guys don't have any supernatural powers or anything like that.

I mean, no, not that we know of.

Have you tried everything, though?

Yes.

You've waved your hands at a tree to see if you can curse it or anything?

I've been trying to get cursed by a witch.

Yep.

I almost drowned trying to be Aquaman.

What did you want to be Aquaman for?

I mean, the Jason Momoa version?

Yes.

He looks cool.

He's awesome.

I wanted to be the Flash.

Then that guy got cancer.

And then you no longer want to be the Flash.

He ruined it for.

Now I walk as slow as I can.

He is very fast.

But then that guy.

That's why he was cast.

Yes.

Because he actually has the powers of The Flash.

They were like, we could save probably $80 million on the budget of CGI.

So cheap.

Yep.

I wanted to be Batman.

Now I'm just a vampire.

Can I ask, like, do you guys still work?

Are you retired?

We're in security.

Okay, security.

So, like, private security?

Private security.

Okay, but like, how private?

Can you tell me who it's for?

It's for our granddaughter.

Yeah.

We're hired by our granddaughter to keep her safe.

And keep her safe, we will.

That is our number one job and the only job.

And And she runs a tight ship.

Both of us have been docked four months' pain.

The same four months?

Yes, we had workplace problems.

We couldn't do our job sufficiently.

People were approaching our granddaughter.

She was.

We brought this up to HR.

She is HR.

It was an open and shut case.

Oh, no.

So you, you, too many people were approaching the granddaughter.

Where was it?

Was this in a crowded place or

the Mojave Desert?

So in the middle of nowhere, people are approaching your granddaughter.

Good thing.

We had that on our side.

Very empty place.

Very easy.

Should have been easy.

Should have been an easy opening.

Yeah.

Then these two guys in the most elaborate camel costume I've ever seen

approached our granddaughter.

How elaborate are we talking?

Because you've seen, we talked off mic about this.

You've seen some elaborate camel costumes.

But this is the most elaborate one?

I didn't didn't think this would come up again.

But it was the most realistic camel costume I've ever seen.

Two legs up front, human.

Two legs out back, human, but very well done.

Two humps, the heads, their heads.

Dromedary.

Yep.

Amazing.

A head.

Big fat neck.

Spit right in our faces.

How did they get that?

I don't know.

Because their head is in the humps.

How did the spit come out of it?

It was like pre-planned, like a.

We don't know, but we rode that camel around for hours, having a blast, taking turns.

It seemed like it was fun for the guys, too.

They never complained.

We heard people inside of the camel skin being like, this is fun.

We're having a good time.

And that should have.

And that's what was brought up in the HR meeting.

We should have known.

Because to ride the camel, that meant only one of us was watching our granddaughter at a time.

Oh, because one of you would ride at one point and then one would watch the granddaughter.

And that is when

other people came in.

So was the camel a distraction?

Like a decoy in order to get you guys away from turns out, yes.

Yes.

Then our granddaughter was approached by a genie.

I mean, great.

Seems like that would be something you'd want.

I mean,

did the genie grant her three wishes?

It wasn't one of the wish genies.

Oh, no.

Just a regular genie.

Like Genie Buss?

Very similar to the president of the Lakers.

Why do you know that?

Why wouldn't we know that?

We're in the world.

Come on.

Everybody knows that.

You know who doesn't know it?

Our granddaughter.

Our granddaughter.

Don't tell our granddaughter

about

Genie

Buss.

Because then she'll want to go to a game, and there's a lot of people at these games, too many people.

Yeah, so you so she has hired you.

This was not your idea.

She has hired you with her inheritance, I guess,

in order to keep people away from her.

So, this is all her idea.

Yes, first, we were doing it pro bono.

She liked the job we were doing, she said, Let's make this a permanent thing.

We get Benny's

benefits

or

Images.

We got to stay alert.

We're wide awake right now.

I hope so.

Eyes are peeling.

Don't be fooled.

I know we look like a couple turtles,

but we're swift and we're alert.

Why do you guys come by here to warn me?

I feel like I've been getting too close to her or something.

Maybe you don't understand.

The reason we come here is to tell you, stay away from our granddaughter.

It makes more sense to tell you far away from her than close to her so do you go to every podcast like do you go to uh smart lists and tell those guys yes yes

and how is that they haven't come near our granddaughter they respect us okay so they i have and if we if they respect us we respect them we also go there to promote projects like

occasionally what do you have what do you have on the horizon we're releasing a line of dolls.

A line of dolls.

Wow.

Granddaughter decoys.

Grand decoys, we call them.

Okay, so some GDs.

And what are these are basically?

They say, get close to our grand decoys.

These are dolls you can leave around the park and pay.

Everybody wants to get close to a granddaughter.

So you can buy a grand decoy to let it out on that grand decoy.

You can't do it.

You can

All that granddaughter tracking that you want to do, you can do it on the Grand Decoy.

This is your outlet.

You can circle it.

You pull a string.

It says, get near me.

Stay.

Presumably, we already are near.

And it also says, there's a snake in my boot.

Why?

And math is hard.

Okay.

I mean,

this sounds great.

When is this coming to market?

What's the MSRP?

You guys, what stage are you?

Are you in the prototype stage?

Have you even built one of these things?

Let alone figure out how to mass produce them?

Hey, you guys are not ready.

You should not have gone on SmartList to talk about this on a podcast.

You haven't even made one of them.

You're right.

Listen, we're trying out the idea first

we we're we're seeing if there's interest and then we're going to reverse engineer the actual product

first from the design of the packaging okay

in your mind in your mind what does the packaging look like it's a box with cellophane in the front yes you can see the grand deep white box cellophane like a lot like barbie or

or

it's tinfoil and it's suctioned to it kind of like a bunny like a chocolate bunny like a chocolate bunny at Easter.

So that you can't see what it looks like.

Right.

I mean, this is.

You can see the shape.

And drawn on the foil is what it looks like on the inside.

But it's clearly a little bit wrong because of the foil.

That's right.

And when you open it up, it kind of doesn't look like the foil at all.

It actually looks worse than the foil.

It's like when Reese's does a variation on the peanut butter cup for holidays.

On the outside, it looks like the shape.

On the inside, it just looks very unfortunate.

I think you're better off with the cellophane packaging, honestly, guys.

Wait, if you already made the boxes,

you've already bought a bunch of tin foil.

Is that what I'm getting you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, well, that's too much foil.

How much is too much?

Surplus of foil.

We have 60,000 yards of foil.

That's too many yards.

We started with the foil, and then we came up with brand decoy.

Why did you buy that much foil in the first place?

We came into an inheritance.

Someone's older than you?

Our sisters were being protected.

The Mink Salmon sisters?

By our grandfather.

Your sisters were being protected by your grandfather and then who died to give you the inheritance?

Both of them.

Both of the sisters or everyone involved?

Absolutely everyone.

Everybody.

Our grandfather warned us, stay away from my granddaughter.

Your sisters.

Our sisters.

So we distance ourselves.

Of course, we wanted to stay near our sisters.

They were our favorite people in the world.

Right.

We grew up together.

So we bought a bunch of foil.

Okay.

And what were we?

We didn't know what else to do.

We were emotionally bereft.

We made an impulse purchase.

Impulse.

Yeah, we were targeted.

We got sold it.

Somebody was needing to offload a bunch of foil, and we liked that one side was shiny, and one shied

was not.

So this gave you some sort of comfort in the fact that you were estranged from your sisters.

Very briefly.

Yes.

But you said you bought it because of the inheritance.

So

how did your grandfather and your sisters perish?

If you don't mind me asking, my hour,

it's hard to talk about.

This is tough for us.

Our grandfather was so dead set on no one getting near his granddaughters, our sisters,

that he installed a bunch of booby traps in their house.

Home alone style?

No.

No, no.

Worse.

Oh, no.

What's worse than home alone style?

Langley Brothers style.

Oh, yes.

They all got caught in their own booby traps.

No.

And died of boredom.

Because they were so boring, the booby traps?

No, they were trapped and they had nothing to do.

Oh, I see.

Okay.

So they had plenty of food and water.

They couldn't reach the remote.

Really?

So they were right next to a tap.

They had scores of food, just canceling.

Scores of food.

Yards and yards of food.

So much food.

But it wasn't near the remote, so they died of boredom.

Yeah.

They were so close to so many different types of distractions, but they couldn't reach them.

They had tons of coloring books just out of reach.

Why did they have so many coloring books?

What's wrong with coloring books?

Absolutely nothing, sir.

There we go.

Asked and answered.

That's what our granddaughter loves.

Your granddaughter loves coloring books.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you talking about our granddaughter.

I mean, Mike or Ike or Spike or whichever one you are, you brought it up.

I brought it up.

Which one are you, Spike?

And now I'm putting it down.

Okay.

I apologize.

You bit.

That's what I'm talking about.

And that's why you need a grand

decoy.

A grand decoy.

Grand decoy.

How much do these run for?

We got one for you right now.

Oh.

MSRP.

That's a lot of money.

We know what it means.

Yeah.

Okay.

$34,998.

That's more than a mid-sized cedar.

Let me take the foil off of it.

Okay.

And show you.

All right.

Because we know you want to ask questions.

Sure.

I'd like to see it.

Talk to them about their coloring books.

Sure.

Why are there so many layers of foil?

Because we have a lot of foil.

We have so much.

It's obviously.

This shide is shiny.

That shide.

That shide is not.

It's obviously way smaller than what you're advertising it as because there are approximately 10 lines.

You never said

layers of foil we never talked about the size on smartless

what did you talk about on smartless we talked about the sean hayes broadway that's right

shouldn't he talk about that why would you

foods we can't have in the house so we eat all of them immediately

that that's of course jason bateman's line of interest being wealthy yes all the three of them okay got it uh well look uh okay so now you've you've just peeled back the 11th layer of foil.

I can see the doll now, the Grand Decoy.

And Grand Decoy is spelled the three for the E and a zero with a line through it.

Like what?

Do you know who Megan is?

You guys should check out Megan.

I mean, it's.

Is that someone's granddaughter?

Because we won't.

We won't.

Listen to the way.

Listen to us.

We won't go near anybody's granddaughter.

So anyone who's tricking us into going next to somebody's granddaughter named Megan,

we're not going to do it.

So anyone who is a granddaughter, you pledge to never even be near them.

We pledge.

We went to the city.

We pledge your granddaughter.

And we pledge your granddaughter.

Granddaughter.

We took the granddaughter's pledge.

All right, so here's the let's recite it right now.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I'd love to hear it.

I

pledge

allegiance allegiance to my granddaughter.

I shall have no other granddaughters before her.

If you are a great granddaughter, I back in a way.

One, two,

three steps at least.

Because

being near

any

granddaughter other than

my own

is a sin,

and God shall cast me

into a lake of fire.

Amen.

Wow.

That's the granddaughter oath.

Did we say?

What did you say?

Did we stutter?

I stuttered when I said, Did we stutter?

Unfortunately, answered the question.

Did we say it?

Yes, you did, actually, right then.

Did we say that?

Well,

unfortunately, we stuttered when I said that.

That kind of lessens the impact of the did we stutter.

I put my finger out and pointed

you tried to look.

If you want to be ableist, do it away from our grandmother.

Exactly.

I'll do it wherever I want, as long as it's not around your granddaughter.

Be ableist anywhere.

B.

Abelist.

Ablest.

D.

Don't.

C.

C.

Come.

So, B A B C Yeah.

Okay.

Always remember.

B A B C

B A

C.

C.

Come near.

Okay, B A

C.

D.

No, but it was.

B Ablest.

C, come near.

D,

our daughter.

Don't.

You know this.

We've been over this.

Yes.

We've been over a thousand times.

Oh, my God.

Look at that camel.

Oh, it's back.

That's the most elaborate one I've ever seen.

Oh, my God.

I want to ride.

He's got a little fez on.

I bet it's.

Well, tell you what.

Why don't we take a break?

You guys can go hop on the camel for a while.

Really?

Yeah, during the phrase.

Oh, my God.

I swear.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

We'll take a break.

Can you guys stick around?

We have a receptionist coming.

Yes.

In our next segment.

So this is very exciting.

We'll meet anyone who stays away from our queen.

All right.

We're going to come right back with more Ike and Spike Mink Salmon, plus a receptionist.

Happy wet day, everyone.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back.

Scott Ackerman here.

We also have Ike and Spike Mink Salmon.

Now, during the break,

during the break, you guys hopped on that.

You thought it was a camel,

but what did it turn out to be, actually?

It turned out to be one guy with a mannequin.

Was it a mannequin at least that came to life like that movie series?

Or

just regular store mannequin.

Dragging the back legs.

Didn't make any sense, and we fell for it very hard to ride but you guys did it yes it wasn't fun no and you didn't hear anyone underneath you saying this is fun i'm enjoying this no

i'm so sorry we heard someone saying hey why are you doing anything

he was clearly tricked

the second camel guy bailed and put a mannequin there and tricked the guy up front and said i'll be right behind you but it was clear once he was riding us that he didn't have a part he was riding you yes

so you got switched at a certain point i missed that

and a mannequin was on top of you a mannequin and a man was but was riding us inside of the camel costume the mannequin had the reins and it didn't go well

well this all happened during the break i'm sorry we weren't recording during it but a lot of fun a lot of fun

a lot of fun a lot of fun even though i know you said you didn't have fun no but now we decided it was fun now that nostalgia has set in we had some time to think about it turns out we had a good time sometimes when things are hard in retrospect you think they were fun you get perspective with distance the kind of distance you need to maintain from a granddaughter

i promise i'm not going to be around your granddaughter i don't think i've ever even been in the same general vicinity as your granddaughter Promise is kept.

All right, great.

You're alive, right?

I mean, is that...

But you've been threatening me.

If you're alive, you haven't gotten close enough to our granddaughter.

You'll know.

You'll know.

You'll know when you wake up dead.

So wait a minute.

Your granddaughter might be in like a funeral home or a graveyard or something because that's where all the dead people are.

It looks like hurt that

because people go down when they're nearer.

It inevitably turns into a graveyard or funeral home type of situation.

Yeah, you'll find yourself in a Transylvania trench coat.

What is that again?

Like cement shoes?

Coffin.

Coffin.

Oh, a Transylvania coffin.

It's always a coffin.

Yeah.

Got it.

Got it.

Got it.

Got it.

Okay.

And that's because that's a phrase from back when Dracula days, I guess.

Who's Dracula?

You don't know who Dracula or Megan is?

Who's granddaughter's name?

Dracula.

That's a beautiful name for a granddaughter.

It's beautiful.

Dracula.

What is your granddaughter's name?

Don't.

The last

thing.

Don't the last thing.

Don't the last thing.

If you want.

If I was you.

You guys are glitching like Megan.

What you doing right now?

Don't.

Okay.

All right.

I don't want to know anything about it.

I had no interest in your granddaughter.

Keep it that way.

Before you came on the show, I have certainly less interest now.

Forget everything you know about our granddaughter right now.

Forget everything you heard.

Snap your fingers.

Let a coconut fall on your head.

Get amnesia.

Yes.

Whatever it takes, fall down.

Get hypnotized.

Anything.

Eternal sunshine yourself.

Sure, sure.

Whatever I do.

Men in black.

Min in black.

Neuralizer.

Yes.

Do it.

Look for it.

Buy it.

Get it.

Enjoy it.

Get it.

Love it.

You're going to love the way.

Take care of it.

You're going to love the way you look

away from our granddaughter.

All right.

Well, Mike and I'm sorry.

I can spike her here.

And let's get to our next guest.

She's a receptionist.

Please welcome to the show for the first time.

I have September.

Please welcome.

I have September 3rd at noon.

Please welcome Carolyn Parker is here.

If you're willing to do it on your lunch break.

Carolyn.

Oh, I understand lunch can be hard too.

I love to.

I had macaroni and Manny's this morning for my lunch, and I knew

I wanted that for mine.

So if lunch is not good, I can do 1 p.m.

Carolyn.

Carolyn Parker is here.

Carolyn!

That's fine.

Hold on.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

Yes.

So 1 p.m.

on September 3rd, we'll see you with Dr.

Beecher.

Dr.

Beecher will see you then.

No,

I can't wait to see you.

I can't wait to see you too.

Please

tell the boys I said hi.

I know.

They still love sledding.

They love sledding.

She really does.

No, snow.

Snow sledding.

They love that.

Carol.

Sledding?

Okay.

Well, tell them I said hi.

And remember, they can have sweets.

They just got to brush.

You don't have to brush all your teeth.

Just the ones you want to keep.

Okay.

Dustin.

See you then.

Carrot.

I'm so sorry.

It's quite all right.

You're a receptionist, so you're a receptionist.

You're in the middle.

I'm a receptionist for Tombs and Beach of Dentistry over in Burbank.

Oh, okay.

And how are you?

I'm great.

Scott Auckerman, the host of the show.

Welcome to the show.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

And thank you for having me.

This is Ike and Spike.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi, Ike and Spike.

What's the name of your dentist office?

It's Tombs and Beecher Dentistry.

And we do full service.

And

once you're a client,

if you see your granddaughter and you beach her, you're going to end up in a tomb.

Oh, well,

I'll tell you this.

All children, how old is your granddaughter?

Granddaughter age.

Granddaughter age.

I know.

Yeah, so she would need, she's probably just losing, just losing molars.

Has she lost her molars?

She's only lost molars.

Everything else is intact?

She's got most of her fronts, and she's lost only molars.

But don't get near her.

Can you give her

teeth without getting near her?

Of course, I'd love to have her come in and meet Dr.

Beecher.

I will send you the teeth.

I primarily walk.

Yeah, do you ever do that where people mail in their teeth and they and the dentist works on them and sends them back of course we do of course we do where it's we're full service we're full service dentistry so somebody some people will ups their their teeth into us and we will work on them and then we'll send them back what about dhl express

oh we actually i was wrong and i forgive me we only use dhl express that's good that's good do you is that what you guys use?

No.

No.

That's fine.

But you've been looking to start an account.

Yeah.

We're waiting to see if we can get a lot of money.

We like the yellow and the red.

The yellow and the red.

Ketchup and mustard.

And what grade is your wonderful

dark grade?

And I have to assume she's just gorgeous.

She's the light of our lives.

Oh, I love that.

I love that she's just gorgeous.

You're asking a lot of questions about our granddaughter.

Oh, I think that's so wonderful.

Two grandfathers.

Two grandfathers that just attached to us.

You get too close to us.

Okay.

Are there rules about being close to you, too?

You're going to get hurt

emotionally if you get too close to us.

We're going to avoid an attachment style.

I think you're both very attractive.

We know.

We know.

Well, I'm hit on constantly.

That's really our curse.

Well, a nail knows knows it needs to be pounded, but you still have to slam it with a hammer.

Right?

Am I right?

So you're saying we know we need to be pounded

with a hammer.

But sometimes a hammer is just a nice thing you say, isn't it?

You're nasty.

You're nasty.

Listen, I've lived a life.

Dirty lady.

I've lived a life.

And now I'm behind a counter and I help people

have their teeth cleaned.

But trust me, I've lived my life.

Really?

What did you do before you were a receptionist at Tombs and

well?

No, I've been a I've worked behind the counter for a long time, but I've lived my life, if that makes sense.

I've gone, I go out, I still go out.

Really?

What do you do for fun?

I'll go out and get.

Do you know the drink the Manhattan?

Yeah,

it's named after that city in New York.

Right, after the

great island of New York City.

Sure.

I will have

seven or eight of those

in a half hour.

In a half hour.

That's too many.

Well, I won't drink them all at once.

No, no, sequentially, even, that's too many, I would say.

Right.

Over a half hour?

Yeah.

I mean,

I would feel better if you were to pour all of those into one giant big gold cup.

Oh, whoa.

And like, just sip it over a few hours.

It's nice to know you care about me.

One time I saw this comedy show where a guy drank four pints of Guinness in a half hour, and I think that was a big mistake.

I saw that, yeah.

Has he ever recovered from that?

He shouldn't have done that.

I think actually, I watched that once.

Are you all right, Carolyn?

What's going on?

Hold on, I have a frog in my throat.

Don't cough on our granddaughter.

Be careful.

Can the dentist help with that?

I have a frog in my throat.

Hold on a second.

I think you probably got it at this point.

Okay.

Oh, God.

So, one of the things I'm doing here today is to find out what your tooth health is.

Oh, sure.

How do you, how, is there a quiz we can take, or do you need us to open up our mouths and you take one?

Well, do you have to shorten it?

Do you know one of the things?

What if they shorten tooth health to tooth?

Well, that's a great idea.

I could bring you on with Dr.

Beach and maybe have you talk to him a little bit about that.

Make sure it's on the phone because we don't want him near our granddaughter.

He's not going to come near your granddaughter.

I promise you.

That's what all the dentists say.

They wear masks.

And then all of a sudden, they're putting that little thing on with the chain on our granddaughter, and we're having to get crazy.

We'd like to take your word for it, but we've been burned too many times.

Wait a minute.

What did you say?

They put the what on?

The little napkin with the chain.

The little napkin with the chain.

You work in a dentist's office.

You must see these all the time.

I've never been there.

You've never been back behind into the office.

I've never had a checkup in my life.

That explains.

It's not a frog in your throat.

I think it's one of your teeth.

I think you just coughed out a tooth.

I thought you had dyed your teeth, but it turns out it's just a plaque.

You thought she had dyed her teeth black.

Do you know how hard?

Do you know how hard it is

to run?

To not have teeth and eat?

No, that's easy.

That's easy.

You just have to pick the right foods.

And that's a good thing.

Well, on paramete soup is the meal.

I love soup.

Cold soups, hot soups, warm soups.

In between?

Yeah.

Warm soups.

Sure.

That's in between.

What's your favorite warm soup?

Minestrone.

Minestrone.

I love a warm, a warm minestrone.

That must be difficult for you to eat, though, because you have no teeth.

Why is that?

Because of the beans?

Yeah, and the little bits of pasta pasta and the no because they're little you said it yourself they're just little they're little bits i i you know i worry about you my friend henry heimlich might need to come visit you at some point in order to oh to get the tooth the tooth and the beans out of my throat

no i can't teeth and beans in your throat right now you just sat here and you witnessed me handle that situation with grace i thought and a plum yeah thank you yeah i'm fine how are you going to check our tooth health?

Okay, so

one of the ways we check tooth health is by the stink of your breath.

And

do you guys know how your breaths stink?

What's the scale?

What on the scale of what to what?

Well, I would say number one is beautiful breath.

They call it the horse's whisper.

Okay.

Why?

Well, I didn't come up with it, but the horse, the horse is a beautiful

curious.

Well, I've learned.

It was my first question.

Dr.

Beecher does not allow me to ask a lot of questions.

What about Dr.

Toog?

He allows curiosity all day long.

Maybe you should ask him why you're staying away from our granddaughter.

It's a great idea.

I will ask him.

In fact, I'll call him right now.

Let me call him right now.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want to put it on the

speaker?

Yeah, okay.

Put it on the glass.

I'll call Dr.

You know Sir Migs a lot.

Dr.

Toom.

He stayed away from our grad.

Oh, he did.

What a nice.

Excuse me.

Is this Dr.

Toom?

Hi, girly.

Hi.

Very unprofessional.

That's my nickname is girly.

Everybody around the office calls me girly.

Oh, okay.

I know.

Why are you telling me that?

Dr.

Toom, why did they call?

No, I'm sorry.

I'm talking with some other people right now.

I'm working remotely today, Dr.

Tomb.

Maybe there's two, Dr.

Toom.

I'm not abusing it.

You know, I wouldn't do that.

Do you know why they call Good Breath the horse's whisper?

Yes.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you.

Okay.

No, you were supposed to ask why.

Not if he knew.

I'll call him back.

You never said that.

Yes, we did.

You never said that.

You said to me.

I feel like you're stinking.

Hi, girly.

Don't respond to that.

Hi.

Hi, it's girly.

Stand up for yourself.

Hey,

I meant to ask, I didn't clarify, why is it that they call

Good Breath the Horse's Whisperer?

Some people were curious here that might be signing up for services.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, I'd love to have some new folks coming through the office.

You know, as far as the horse's whisperer goes, you want to make sure that you're not getting too much of that horse breath because if you get too much, it's bad.

So if you just get a little bit of a whisper,

it's a good breath.

That's it?

That's what they, that's the reasoning behind it.

That's it.

So a horse breath is bad.

And as long as you only have a whisper.

I didn't come up with it.

It's a very good one.

Well, that's what I told them.

I said I didn't come up with it, and they got mad at me.

So I said I'd call you.

Do you know who came up with it?

Oh, the Zoroastrians.

Okay, thank you.

Wow.

Dr.

Toom, that is?

That's Dr.

Tooms.

We don't talk a ton.

And he has a brother as well, so it's Tombs.

Dr.

Beecher is his brother.

Okay, but why is it Tombs and Beecher?

Tombs, because they took different names.

Each of them took their one name.

Okay, so it's Tombs, parentheses, Beecher.

It's Tombs and Beecher dentistry.

Why should you call him Dr.

Tomb?

That's what we're trying to get at.

Why is he Tomb on the phone?

And Tooms.

Because I felt like either way, I was interrupted before I got to the S.

Is it kind of like a little.

Oh, you were interrupted.

I was interrupted.

Do you want to call him back and clarify?

I'll call him back, but he knows it's Doc.

It's Tombs.

Hey, girly, we are approaching you abusing working remotely.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

I have one last question for you, Dr.

Tombs.

Tombs.

Toombs, right?

It is Tombs.

Why do you have a different name than your brother,

Dr.

Beecher?

Oh, I'm a feminist.

Okay.

Thank you.

Great.

Okay.

Well, I consider myself to be one too, so we have a lot in common, it sounds like.

He makes me, he made me, he said, on the day he put me behind the desk, he said, you set it up the way you want it to be set up.

And I, I'll tell you,

what are some of the unique ways that you've set it up?

We have a TV that is always running

Big Trouble in Little China on Lil.

It's kind of, I mean, it's a great movie, but it could be considered culturally inappropriate.

Especially with the sound out.

We have magazines all over the place.

Which magazines?

Mad magazine.

Teachers digest.

They need things to be digested.

Gabriel's son.

Gabriel's son magazine.

The angel's son has a magazine.

Oh, you have to.

I'm also surprised the angel has a son.

To be honest.

Yeah, what was Gabriel like before he became an angel, I wonder?

Was he like some dude, some caveman down on earth?

I get you.

I will call an ass.

I'm not the most religious guy in the world, but I don't think that's ever how it worked.

I mean, we become angels, supposedly.

Hi.

Sorry.

What was Gabriel's?

You have to.

Gabriel.

What was Gabriel like before he became an angel?

You know, as far as I know, I think he was a good guy, which is how he got the promotion.

That's as far as you know.

Yeah, I mean, you know, I haven't done all the reading.

I don't think this guy's wrong.

Will you read and call me back?

Will you read and call me back?

Please.

Yeah, please read something about this.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you, Dr.

Toom.

But was it.

We didn't interrupt you.

Oh, okay.

Thank you.

Okay, good.

So we have a bunch of magazines.

I put gum out all over the place.

I put cookies on magazines.

I put hot, hot cookies.

Gum magazines.

Hot cookies?

Hot cookies.

Like scalding hot.

Too hot to eat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Too hot to eat cookies.

How do you ensure they're always too hot to eat?

I measure them against my warm minestrone.

If I know my minostrone is right next to them, the minestrone starts as cold soup.

I put it next to the scalding hot cookies and it warms up just enough to eat the minestrone.

When you're done, wedding soup, do you like a lot of little meatballs or just a few?

Is that what wedding soup is?

Did I stutter?

Wait, you say what about you?

Wedding soup.

I think we were asking you to say,

Did I stutter?

What's going on?

I forgot.

Ike or Spider?

Which one are you?

Hold on.

Hey, it's girly.

No.

Hey, girlie, I just did some reading on the Archangel Gabriel, and you're not going to like what I read.

What happened?

Oh, no.

Turns out before he was promoted to an angel, he was a terrible gossip.

Oh.

Wow.

Oh, no.

He used to gossip.

He spread.

That sounds like Susan in the office.

Are you kidding me?

It sounds exactly like Susan, Susan, except we're never going to be promoting her to an angel position.

Am I right, girly?

You have to tell her to stop.

Gabriel was a terrible guy.

This is why God decided to make him the divine messenger, because he was already talking to everyone.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Dr.

Toombs,

this is very sexy.

Isn't the Bible very, very sexy?

Yes.

I don't think we should be listening to this conversation.

It's in my opinion, the sexiest of religious texts good night

good night it's two in the afternoon oh he's not he's not in burbank right now oh oh he's where is he he's in maui i think okay this even earlier there said you were working remotely

wait yeah where's the office base you said it was burbank

you caught me oh no oh no what's the real story what's going on

no it's who are you really

No, I am really.

No, you're pretty sure.

Everything is true except for.

Everything's true except he's not in Maui.

Where is he?

Dr.

Toombs and I have been seeing each other.

He's at my ADU.

He's in your ADU.

Do you live in the ADU?

It's a small house behind your house.

No, I live there.

Who lives in the big house?

Dr.

Beecher.

His brother.

Okay.

You guys are keeping it a secret.

Does he know about the affair?

Yes.

Dr.

Beecher.

Dr.

Beecher knows about it and he's okay with it.

So, what's the problem?

You know, I've never thought about it that way.

Why are you hiding in from my father?

I never thought about it.

No one.

Maybe there's no one cares.

Hold on a second.

Keep

married to each other.

No, Dr.

Toombs is single.

So it doesn't make it okay.

I am single.

Does it make it okay that he doesn't care?

Yeah.

What about Dr.

Toombs' wife?

Dr.

Toombs doesn't have a wife.

Then it's not an affair you're dating.

And it kind of makes the girly thing slightly better.

Unless you're married.

It's still distasteful to my

hope you're not married.

I am not married.

Within your five.

No,

I am not married.

I am

not interested in.

Why is it your ADU if Dr.

Beecher lives in the big house?

He sold it to me.

He sold you the ADU?

Yes.

Okay.

It's like a half number.

Why address is a half?

Did you stutter?

Wait, what do you mean?

Wedding suit.

No,

he

is your address a half.

Does that make sense?

Oh, I see what you're saying.

No, I get all my mail from his mail area.

Okay, so it's not a mail area.

It's not a legal

also get anything sent to me

my

i love

making my mail area feel good

you gotta be kind to your mail area

he has a beautiful mail area

do you know how much a dentist makes per year

yes per annum

what are we talking a fiscal year yeah

no idea

no I'm curious.

I don't know.

I'm trying to.

You're trying to figure it out.

I'm trying to figure it out.

Do you want to get married to Dr.

Toom?

I wish he would ask me.

At times, I've thought about asking him if he'll marry me, but it feels so untraditional for a 75-year-old woman.

You're 75.

Years old.

Oh, okay.

You're not 75 women.

I'm not 75 women.

In a camel costume.

No.

Oh, my God.

But I love camels.

It's one of those.

I've It's been had by another camel.

Don't get a hopes up.

Doesn't look like a camel to me.

Do you know a camel can survive over a day?

Two days?

Do you know?

What?

Yes.

Camels can survive over two days?

Yeah.

Their life expectancy is probably animal.

That's a myth.

They all die.

That myth was busted on the show.

They brought a camel on and watched it die in real time.

In under two days.

It it was a 24-hour episode of Mythbusters.

It's because they're all smoking, though.

Also, the one guy's crazy mustache grew two feet long.

Do you know what's inside a camel's hump?

More camel.

A little tiny camel?

It's wet.

It's a wet, it's a pocket of

camels.

It's a pocket.

You kind of are the animal of wet day.

My friend Paul F.

Tompkins and I were talking about before.

It's not fish.

It's camels.

They have big sacks of wet.

Big sacks of wet.

It's true.

Even though they live in one of the driest environments.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

What was that?

What was that noise?

What was that noise?

Did you just get an alert on your phone from

your boyfriend?

That wasn't from me.

By the way,

I mean, there's a little bit of a power imbalance, you know, dating your boss who could technically fire you at any time.

Imbalance.

But I think it's fine for you guys.

I mean, you've alerted everyone at the office there it's it seems like it's okay you can just be be honest about it i know but i'd have to give up my position behind the desk and everything did you hear that your burps did you you just coughed up four more teeth

you've got to fix your teeth the smell touch is bad

you're feeling it from a great distance your tooth health is at an all-time bad check your tooth

i don't want to lose my position as the receptionist

Everyone knows about you, though.

So it sounds like you already would have lost it.

If.

No, he told me if we continue, I have to leave.

Oh, wait.

So, so it's okay with him as long as it ends now?

Yeah.

When did he tell you this?

Just before he whispered it while he was on the phone with me.

You didn't hear that?

Oh, wait.

So Tombs whispered this to you, not Beecher?

I'll have him say it.

It sounds like he just doesn't want to date you anymore.

What he said.

You're calling him again?

Hey, girly.

It's kind of okay.

Hey, I've gotten used to it.

I explained to them how we're dating and that you're going to make me give up my job as a receptionist.

It's a conflict of interest for you to be doing both.

And, you know, if you don't want to give up the job, then you don't have to.

But then we're not going to be together.

You're telling me.

I want to be with you.

You want to be with me all the different ways.

Okay.

You want to see

my male parts.

What?

Yeah.

I mean, you've been hiding them for a long time.

No, your male parts.

Yeah.

My male parts are the parts I grab your male parts.

You know what I'm saying?

Male and female parts.

You know how to fix this, right?

Of course.

You know, there's parts of me that are female parts, and those are the parts that are going to reach out to your parts.

God, Dr.

Toomb.

Look, all of this is fairly inappropriate if you're still going to be working the reception desk.

But I feel like I'm trying to decide whether

I'm going to marry you.

You should make this choice here on the air.

We'd like to know your answer.

Are you going to marry Dr.

Toombs?

I don't know, Dr.

Toombs.

Are you going to marry me?

I'm on one knee knee right now.

Whoa!

Will you...

Well, then ask me.

Will you spend the rest of what little life you have left?

Make him say your name.

It's a proposal.

Say my name.

Say my name.

Girly, you want to ask him?

Caroline, Hannah Parker, will you

wife?

No.

I don't think he does.

No, no.

He doesn't know your name.

He doesn't know your name.

Do not marry him.

Don't marry him.

I'm not going to marry him.

I've decided.

I'm already married to the clients of the dental office.

Look, you can men come and go.

A good job?

Those are hard to find in this economy?

Scott, men come and go.

Yes.

But a good dental clientele,

that's precious.

No.

You need to hold on to that.

You can take the clients.

I'm going to take the clients.

I'm going to keep the hot cookies.

I'm going to keep the looping of Big Trouble in Little China on a VHS cassette.

I suggest maybe getting rid of that.

No, what about Teacher's Digest?

Gabriel's Son magazine?

Those have to stay.

Do you imagine what people would do without them?

That's a good point.

No, I'm staying with them.

All right.

Well, I'm glad that we came to a decision here.

I'm sorry you're not going to be reaching out to his male parts and vice versa.

He'll still let me reach out to his male parts.

Trust me.

I know Dr.

Toom.

No one interrupted you.

There it was.

Okay.

He got it in under the wire.

Well, guys, we are running out of time, unfortunately.

We really only have time for one final feature on this wet day spectacular, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Keep on plugging your stuff.

Keep on plugging your stuff.

Keep on plugging yourself the stuff to plug, support that stuff.

Keep on plugging your stuff,

keep on plugging your stuff.

Keep on plugging yourself, this stuff to plug some plug that stuff.

Keep on pulling yourself,

keep on pulling yourself,

keep on plugging yourself.

There's lots of thoughts of work that stuff.

Keep on pulling yourself,

keep on plugging your stuff.

Keep on plugging your

Oh, yeah, beautiful.

That was Stuff Plugs by Jonathan Blake.

Beautiful.

Gorge.

We loved it.

All right, guys, what are we plugging?

Ike and Spike, you must have some things you want to plug here.

Have at it.

This is your time to shine.

We're going to be headlining Granddaughter Fest.

Oh, my God.

This is a festival, a music festival with all granddaughters as the headliners?

It's no music.

It's just granddaughters and no one's around.

around.

And you're headlining it even though you're not granddaughters.

Stay away from Granddaughter Fest.

How are you going to make money on this?

Seems like another bad business idea.

We're losing $100,000 and 200 yards of foil.

Did you stutter?

Did I sit?

Would it super.

Anything else you want to plug?

There's got to be some television shows, perhaps, or maybe live events that you want to go to.

There's a website I like to visit because it's got so many links.

Is it HatClaims8.com?

No, that's a very famous website.

That's a famous website.

This is a little-known website called PaulF Tompkins.com/slash Variatopia.

And this has links to

buy tickets for all of the entire tour of Variatopia, which is starting, kicking off very soon, is it not?

April 23rd in Iowa City, Iowa.

Wow.

Incredible.

And this is an incredible night at the theater.

Incredible.

You can take your loved ones, but don't take our grandmother.

Okay.

She stays away from all shows.

What did she do for

bedtime?

But when's her bedtime?

Don't even ask.

Okay, all right.

I know that was cutting it close.

What about tried to sneak one in during plugs?

You're not getting in.

What about you, Spike or Ike?

Go to biggrandewebsite.com and check out the new series, County Fair.

Okay, wow.

It's a 10-episode series, and all the scenes take place at a county fair.

And there's no grand orders.

Oh, good.

Okay, fantastic.

So you can go near it.

You can go absolutely near it and download it.

How about you, Carolyn?

Do you have anything that you want to plug here?

I want to take.

Why are you playing this?

That is my son's company.

Burger King?

Yes.

He owns Burger King?

I've never been.

He owns it, and I wanted to plug that frame.

Okay, but why are you working at 75 years old?

Very late reveal of not only a son, but a previous relationship, and the fact that the son owns Burger King.

He's running.

Please support him.

You could have just said he owns Burger King.

You didn't have to play the commercial.

Why does he need help?

Support him.

He's doing a fun drive right now.

What kind of fun drive?

A fun drive.

You can call and support his.

And you can donate.

Call 310-980-4053 and you can support Burger King.

What kind of messages do you want people to leave?

They're trying to get off the ground.

He's trying to get the business on the ground.

Maybe pictures of burgers you could send.

They have a whopper.

Yeah, send burger pictures.

Each burger picture that he gets,

supposedly, he's able to sell that on the internet.

Okay, great.

It is great.

Scott,

I hope you mean that.

He's flipping pictures of burgers.

He buys them, then he flips them for a little more.

He flips them like he flips the burgers.

So he'll sell them.

And by the way, if you want to also, if you want to buy a picture of a burger, boong,

he will sell you pictures of a burgers.

He'll sell you pictures of burgers.

Wonderful.

I want to plug, hey, head over to Comedy Bang Bang World or cbdworld.com.

You can get the entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang, every single episode we've ever recorded, as well as all of the live episodes, all ad-free.

We also have other shows up there, like we have Ad-Free Freedom.

We have Scott Asn't Seen with Sprague the Whisperer and myself.

We also have The Neighborhood Listen just started their new season, I believe, this week.

If not

April 1st, that's right.

College Town, so much great.

CBB presents.

Hey, Randy.

So much great stuff over there.

And speaking of Randy, we also have Randy and Carissa action figures are still on sale.

You can get them available for customers worldwide at figurecollections.com with free shipping with the U.S.

address or in Europe with a cheaper import fee at action figureseller.com.

I'm okay.

I just feel bad about breaking up.

Hey,

I'm not letting go.

Well, I'm letting go.

It's just hard.

Somebody told me today that I have to come in for a cleaning.

And I'm like, who am I going to have to clean my teeth?

You're the only one I would trust with my teeth.

Well, I'm still going to go in there.

In where?

Your mouth.

Stop it.

He doesn't know your name.

Your son owns Burger King.

You drop the losers.

If you've got any caramel corn or any of the concessions that you keep in the waiting room, I'm going to get it out of your mouth.

And you're going to be, you know.

You have caramel corn as well as hot cookies?

It's going to be as good as a horse's whisper.

Do you think they asked me if

we should keep teacher's digest in the waiting room

i mean i think that would be great for your son's burger

hang up with this guy and never go back to the office

all right i'm coming new

one don't pick up the fucking i'll see you

where the parking do you know where the parking bill is stay away from dua lipa oh wait is dua lipa your granddaughter we're just

fans but stay away she will she will be a granddaughter fest dr Toomb, what's in wedding soup?

She's opening granddaughter fest.

Italian wedding soup is like little meatballs.

How many?

How many?

You know, depending on how big your ladle is, I would say

two of you.

You're a pervert.

You're a pervert.

All right, hang up.

Hang up the phone.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Just yet.

Just yet.

Just yet.

Just yet, just yet.

Just yet, just yet.

Just yet, just yet.

Open the plug back with me.

Open the black bag with me.

Please don't close it and be rude.

It's not time to close it up just yet.

All right, that was Close the Plug Back Dude by Evaser.

Thank you so much to Evaser.

If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com/slash plugs.

And, guys, I want to thank you so much.

Uh, I can spike always wonderful to see you.

I'm kind of suspecting that you have some sort of connection to Dua Lipa here, that she might actually be your daughter.

Oh, no,

that was like

invasion of the body snatchers or something.

Uh,

uh, and Carolyn, look,

Drop Dr.

Tombs.

I mean, your son owns Hamburger King.

You don't need him.

You don't have to.

You don't need him.

You don't have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep.

And maybe he's one of the teeth I don't want to keep.

Yes, let him rot

in your mouth.

Tie a piece of string to him and slam the door.

That's

good words for any day, but especially for wet day here.

I want to wish you all a merry wet day.

Many Urkels to all of you.

Thanks for celebrating here with us.

Really appreciate it.

Are you guys about to get as wet as you can be?

We're giving each other flumes and we're going to the water park.

Wow.

This is incredible.

A wet day miracle.

What about you, Carolyn?

Do you want to join us?

You already know.

I'm headed over to Tombs right now.

You know how wet I'm going to be.

All right.

We'll see you next time.

Thanks.

Bye.

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