Bonus Bang: Live from SXSW 2025 - Lauren Lapkus, Lisa Gilroy, James Adomian

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I don't mean to interrupt your meal, but I saw you from across a cafe, and you're the Geico Gecko, right?

In the flesh.

Oh, my goodness.

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Well, that's how Geico gets 97% customer satisfaction.

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No worries.

Uh, so are you just gonna watch me eat?

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Hey, everyone.

Scott Ackerman here, and welcome to another bonus bang.

Bonus bangs, being, of course, little bonus episodes of Comedy Bang Bang.

Usually they are episodes that have previously come out that were trotting out

from back behind the paywall.

But this is a very special bonus bang because this week...

We're releasing a live episode that we just recorded about a month ago.

This was from South by Southwest this year.

It was recorded on March 8th of this year with myself.

We have Lauren Lapkis as Pamela from Big Bear.

We have Lisa Gilroy as Nana.

And we have the return of James Zodomian.

James Zodomian came and did Elon Musk for us.

So this was a very fun episode to do out there in Austin, Texas.

This was the, I believe, the last time that we're going out to do South by Southwest, which is something that I started, I don't know, 15, 16 years or so ago, the comedy there.

So

this is a bittersweet ending to a great run of

comedy bang bang performances that we've done at this venue at Esther's Follies out there during South by Southwest.

Now, I hope you enjoy it.

If you did enjoy it and you want more live episodes, as well as every single episode we've ever done, live and studio, become a subscriber at Comedy Bang Bang World, where we have every single one of them, as well as a whole lot of other great shows, bonus content, ad-free episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, Freedom, so much more.

Just head over to cbbworld.com and subscribe.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode.

Until then, enjoy this week's bonus bang.

Please keep applauding, please.

Please.

Thank, thank.

Oh.

Oh.

The fuck is going on here?

Sit down.

Hello, South by Southwest.

How are you?

Hold on.

I have to do this first.

Oh, fuck.

You can party with Chewy

or hang out with Worf, but you haven't lived till you face-hugged my friend the Xenomorph.

Nope.

Nope.

Yep, nope.

I agree.

Nope.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you, yes.

Thank you to Stapler's Monster for that catchphrase submission.

Thank you so much.

Not going to stick.

Hello.

Oh, my God.

Is it really wise to seat the front row people last?

It is.

Oh, okay.

Thank you very much for your answer.

I appreciate that.

Hello.

What are you showing me?

That's a vibrator?

Please, sir.

Please put it back.

Put it into your personal belongings.

Oh Jesus Christ.

How's everyone doing at South by?

This is day two.

I don't know if anyone knows this, but I believe 18 years ago, a man named Charlie Sotello called me up and said he heard I was a person who knew comedians and put stuff together and he wondered if he and I could put together South by Southwest comedy.

It had not been a thing before then.

We started this 18 years ago.

And what that gets you is the plum Saturday at 4 p.m.

slot.

What the fuck?

How many of you out there know what comedy bang bang is?

Have listened to it?

Oh, okay.

Oh, thank Jesus.

Let me me explain it, though, for the uninitiated.

Essentially, it's a talk show.

First of all, before we even get into that, it is the three most exciting words in the English language.

Live podcast taping.

Oh, my goodness, you're in for a treat.

It's essentially a talk show.

I'm the host of the talk show.

I have several guests on the show.

We're going to bring them out one at a time.

I'm going to interview them.

We're all going to have a really good time.

Well, let me tell you who's coming up on the show today.

We have a resident of a town.

We have an elderly woman.

And we have someone who works in the government.

So this is an exciting show.

You have really made the right decision.

What else is there happening at 4 p.m.

on a Saturday afternoon other than just getting drunk out here on one of the bars?

On one of the bars I as I passed one of the bars there was a gentleman who he saw some ladies walking down the street and he said to them

hey come on inside we have something that we just invented it's called alcohol

glad to be back Austin

well we have a great show are you guys ready for this this is so exciting to be talking to these people

Let me bring out our first guest.

I mentioned we have a resident of a town.

Now, how many of you live in a town?

So you'll have a lot in common with this woman.

She hails from a town in California.

Please welcome to the stage Pamela from Big Bear.

What's up, what's up?

What's up?

It's four o'clock, bitches.

Where's your vibrators at?

Bring them out now.

I want everybody masturbating.

What's going on, Scott?

I think he's taking you at your word.

He's reaching for his bag.

Tell me about it.

What's the brand on that motherfucker?

Last one.

Plus one.

Plus one.

Yeah, because you get one orgasm and you go, let me just go for one more.

And then that motherfucker dies.

That's how it goes.

For two orgasms.

You get one orgasm and then it dies.

No, it's good for one.

So good to see you, Pat.

Women can only come once

in their lives?

Ever.

I did mine 20 years ago.

Dry, dry, dry.

Dry, dry.

What's the driest thing you can think of?

The Sahara Desert?

Think harder.

Your pussy?

There you go.

It coughs at night.

It's thirsty.

What?

Water, water everywhere, and not a drought today.

Pamela, it's so wonderful to talk to you.

So wonderful.

I haven't seen it.

I'm having a great time in Austin.

What are you doing here in Austin?

I just trashed out of my fucking gourd.

I met the hottest skies walking down 6th Street.

Everybody wants to fuck me.

And I did it.

Oh, really?

So you've...

When does someone offer?

Is this rude to decline?

So you've had coitus several times.

I've had coitus.

Where'd you go to school?

Nerd.com?

I got my degree from nerd.com

with a master's in loserly behavior.

Found it.

All right.

Got it.

Saved it.

Got it.

Found it.

But what I understand that while you're here, you're engaging in extramarital activities.

Are you married?

I can't remember.

I'm not at this time.

You're not at this time.

You were?

No, I never have been.

Okay, great.

And I'm not right now.

You're not.

Do you have designs to be married?

Well, my dream wedding, I thought all about it.

Yeah.

Don't you think about that?

My dream wedding?

Yeah, I had it 20 years ago.

Oh.

And what was that like?

Don't tell my wife about it.

Did you kiss the bride?

I did kiss the bride.

That's a big part of my plan.

plan.

To kiss your bride?

Or, I mean, just to be kissed.

I hope that happens.

I've never kissed.

You've.

I mean,

you've done oral,

right?

That's a big assumption.

That's kind of.

Oh, I've done oral.

I've done oral.

It's kind of like kissing.

You just kiss.

Dicks don't kiss back.

Yeah.

Anywho.

I want that on a pillow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll stitch that for you.

I'll stitch it with my hair.

But in any case, I know you're while you're here, you're out there on these streets.

I'm out there out there on these streets.

But what is the purpose of your visit?

Oh, well,

it feels good to be out.

It feels good to be free.

I was recently kidnapped.

So I'm feeling very free.

Why would someone kidnap you?

Do you have loved ones?

They were trying to leverage your...

I don't know.

No, I think it was just I was their plaything

it was my neighbor come to find out the whole time I was underground I was right by my very own trailer

they had me in a sewer do you know what a sewer smells like Scott

bad

shit

and piss

that's those are the two primary things that go in sewers yeah yeah

occasionally come well okay

You stand over a sewer and jack off, you fucking freak.

Trying to save toilet water.

I don't think anyone is standing over sewers to shit and piss.

Like pennywise.

Yeah, that's a good point.

He jerks off right into them.

He does.

I've seen it too.

You know his brother?

He put me in a little raincoat.

And he told me to stand under while it rained.

Well, let me tell you something.

Hold this balloon.

What?

No rain.

Yeah, I held a balloon, too.

You know his brother, pound foolish?

Does he fuck crazy?

He only does it backwards.

That's not doggy style, you know.

Backwards, you know what that is?

It's when both people, when you go, you go to a house of mirrors.

Okay.

Both people face butt-to-butt with a dildo on and go back and forth.

Double-sided, of course.

You asked!

I barely did.

You said you know what it is.

You asked.

Well, you said I don't.

Implying, go on, ma'am.

Anyway, the kidnap is.

So you were kidnapped.

Yeah, it was kidnapped.

And you were used to snapshots.

I could only eat s'mores.

That doesn't sound that bad.

Well, they were a special kind.

What was in the s'mores?

So the graham cracker was cardboard.

Go on.

The chocolate was shit.

I don't want to know what the marshmallow is, but I feel like you're going to tell me.

Home and joy.

So nasty.

All the kids throw that out on Halloween.

Is it the coconut?

Yeah.

It's the coconut.

They don't like that part.

Too mature of a flavor.

Anyway, that's all I ate.

Oh, man.

I was shitting bricks.

And then they made me build my house out of them.

Much like the third little pig.

And I had to tell that story story every night

to them to the kidnapper yeah

who I fell in love with

due to Stockholm syndrome but he was beautiful what did he look like he looked like Brad Pitt if Brad Pitt was the guy from that movie mask

yeah

He had a Quentin Tarantino movie personality.

And you didn't recognize him as your neighbor who apparently lived in a house next to a trailer?

He lived in a trailer, too.

Oh, okay, but he had

an underground basement?

Yeah, yeah.

We never talked much.

How much do you talk to your neighbors?

You get out there and you interact with them much.

Do you?

Do you talk to your neighbors a lot?

Sure, yeah.

I mean, we're

one big neighborhood for you.

What do they like to do?

What are they interested in?

Yeah, I don't think you talk to them.

But this guy's.

Are you allowed to talk to your neighbors?

I don't know.

Are you allowed to live in your neighborhood?

I guess you're allowed to live.

You just have to report it.

I just like the idea of this gentleman, I guess, who looked like

Rocky Dennison, is that his name?

Movie mask.

Digging underground underneath this trailer for a long time to build a base.

He spent many, many years doing that, and he was eyeing me the whole time.

I was very flattered ultimately, you know.

He was IMDB the whole time?

He was eyeing me the whole time on my IMDb.

I have a lot of credits.

Yeah.

You're on my TV show.

Yeah, and they started putting porn on there, so mine really blew up.

My star meter is crazy.

What was the thinking behind putting porn on IMDb?

It's so busy.

I just couldn't figure out who it was.

Do they really do that?

They do.

Thought I made that up and believed it.

Well, all right.

Yeah.

So.

I've never been paid for my actions.

Let's be clear.

I actually don't have much of a job or income at all.

Yeah, what do you do?

I'm so stressed about the coin right now.

Yeah, the coin of the realm.

what exactly do you do for for money well that's a lot of it's a lot of kind of you know checking in with people mooching a little bit mooching here mooching there getting a dollar where i can you know asking for a little something something so that being said i'd love 200 to 3 000 if you got it from me from you because you probably got it that's a cute little pin there what's that guy who's that little freak You wear a rhinestone pin?

This is an interesting character detail.

Okay,

this is something they made me wear to get into this venue.

I think that just happened to you.

But they brought me in through the underground part.

Oh.

Yeah, I only travel that way these days.

Underground, really?

Well, I was out.

I walked in the streets a little bit.

Then someone pushed me into the sewer.

They knew where I'm supposed to be.

Do you have any crack cocaine?

I'm out.

You're out.

You haven't done it.

When was the last time you did crack?

No, be honest.

To be honest,

I'm kind of norm core.

I've never done that.

Oh, snooze alert.

You get an alert for when you're supposed to snooze?

It's like

camber alerts for boredom.

My phone goes crazy.

My jitter bug.

I have a jitter bug.

I pay $20.

It only calls the hospital.

They'll connect you to whoever you want.

Don't you worry.

What is the purpose of waking you up when you're bored?

Like having an alert on your phone to say you're bored now.

Keep it interesting.

You should never let your mind atrophy, Scott.

Do you ever do that?

Let my mind atrophy?

Yeah.

Occasionally.

I consider myself an autodidact.

I like to learn and teach myself.

I'm learning all about the origins of buttons right now.

The origins of buttons?

Yes, we didn't always have them, see?

Sure.

We used to

have to hold our hand, hold our clothes, hold our clothes clothes with our hands.

Hold our clothes clothes with our hands, hand our clothes with hands, hand our clothes

with our clothes.

Okay, couldn't do two things at once, you see, and I'm a multitasking kind of cunt.

15 minutes in, okay.

I almost said it as my first word,

but then I held back.

I didn't know if there were a lot of tech bros here who might get scared.

Tech bros say, what?

All right, good.

So what was invented first?

Was it the button?

Was it the zipper?

Was it Velcro?

They first invented Velcro.

Then they did the zipper.

Then they thought, let's make this harder and do buttons.

Yeah.

And if you're going through the history of the button, what is the purpose of having buttons on different sides for different genders?

You know what it is?

And there's a whole book about that.

So men like to operate with their left because their right hands for jerking off and it's weaker.

And women women jerk off with vibes and so both hands are fine and it's easier to put a button on the other side.

There's a whole book about this.

There's a book about that.

I summed it up for you.

Saved you about four days.

I'm a slow reader.

So you are you speaking?

Are you giving any talks while you're here?

Yeah, I'm doing a TED Talk.

You're doing a TED Talk?

I'm doing a TED Talk at the convention convention center tonight.

What's the topic?

How to get your pussy as dry as fuck.

I know all about it.

I'm an expert.

So, you intentionally do it?

Yes.

I try to see what happens in a new when you change the environment of your personal terrarium.

Things change, and you species inhabit

tarantulas.

You know a lot of big words.

Yeah.

For someone who.

Tarantula is a big word to you?

I mean.

How many syllables is it?

Taranch.

Ulula.

That's two, buddy.

Tranch.

Tranche.

Illula.

Tranchla.

Tranchla.

Yeah.

Tranchla.

Tranchla.

Two syllables.

That's that.

Tranchla.

Scott, not even one.

It's the fastest word in the human language.

The human language, to be clear.

Have you speaking of which?

I've been abducted by aliens.

Obviously, is that what you're going to say?

Well, yeah, or a cryptid of some sort.

A cryptid, yeah, it was more of a cryptid.

Okay, didn't go into space.

Okay, where did you go?

We just went to a forest and it fondled me, much to my pleasure.

It was hot.

What kind of a creature was it?

Was it furry?

It was weird.

It was like, it had a big green head and all these little eyes.

And it was wearing a trench coat.

And it had on boots that were high and tight.

And it had on little booty shorts.

And when it lifted its mask, it looked just like my neighbor.

Why do you still live next to this guy?

It's not easy to drive away, you know.

Have you been out of gas this entire time?

I've been out of gas.

Yeah.

Keep farting into the hole, but nothing else.

All right.

Pamela from Big Bear, everyone.

Yay.

Pamela from Big Bear.

Water spilled.

Oh, no.

Don't know.

The cords.

Don't let the microphone hit it.

Saved it.

What if we all were electrocuted right here in front of everyone?

I would be so relieved.

The best B2B marketing gets wasted on the wrong people, right?

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I know I visited the website, but I saw it already.

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You know, when you think about game day,

you might not think Wayfair, right?

I mean, they're two, one's two words and one's one word, first of all.

That's confusing right off the bat.

And then they're totally different

letters, although the A's, there still are two A's, but the G and the M, those aren't in Wayfair, and the W and the

Y is in both.

I mean, this is pretty similar, actually.

Game day, Wayfair.

I mean, you might think about it, but one reason you should is because Wayfair, right?

Wayfair is the best kept secret for incredible and affordable game day finds, whether you're upgrading your tailgate with coolers that stay cold or patio heaters that stay hot.

Cold things should stay cold and hot things should stay hot, right?

Wayfair has something for every style and every home, no matter your space or your budget.

They even have decor and merge from your favorite sports teams.

And the best part, Wayfair offers free and easy delivery, even on the big stuff.

And when you're talking big stuff, here's what I ordered from Wayfair the other day.

I mean, when I say I, I mean Kulop.

Kulop ordered a bunch of holiday stuff.

She ordered a giant skeleton for Halloween,

a rabbit sitting with a ladybug.

That, I guess that's year-round.

That can just stay out there forever.

So yeah.

So Wayfair's not only got stuff for game day, but also has a bunch of holiday stuff that my wife likes.

In any case, Wayfair is your trusted destination for all things game day, from coolers and grills to recliners and slow cookers.

Shop, save, and score

goal today at Wayfair.com.

That's W A Y F A I R.com.

Wayfair, every style, every home.

Well,

I decided to have have probably the craziest panel of all time here

for our South Valley by Southwest show.

Our next guest is a relative of mine.

I have so many great relatives who are on the show.

Oh, really?

I have a nephew Todd who's on the show.

I never heard of it.

I don't listen to this program.

How did you ever even come to be on the show?

You know how you found me.

We don't need to tell all these nice people at four o'clock.

He's a sick, nasty, nasty man.

And he found me and he tied me up in his trunk.

You really want me to tell him?

You keep saying, go on, go on.

Go on.

He tied me up in his trunk.

He said, do my little show.

I'll pay you in coins.

I said, okay.

He said, but the only rule is you got to live with me.

And that's the one rule.

That's the one thing you broke.

You never let me stay overnight.

He says, no kissing and you got to go before midnight.

Gremlins rules.

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't kiss gremlins.

You don't know what's going on.

All right, well,

I do have a relative coming to the stage.

As I mentioned, she's an elderly woman.

Please welcome my Nana, everyone.

Whoa.

Nana, everyone.

Oh, thank you, Nana.

Wow, your Nana is a nice lady.

Oh,

no.

Oops.

Oh!

Oh, Scott, I love you so much.

Can I put this here?

I don't know.

Oh,

your Nana's a nice lady.

She made me feel better for spilling mine.

Happy Thanksgiving, Scott.

Happy Thanksgiving, Nana.

Thank you for inviting me for dinner with you you and your girlfriend.

Oh, it's not official.

It's not official.

I don't kind of in a thing.

Oh, Scott, make it official.

Please, you're a lonely man.

Does anyone know about electricity?

Whether this is

a danger to us?

I know about electricity.

I was alive the year it was invented, boy.

Don't make me spank the daylights out of here.

Electricity is invented by,

well, one man named Tesla.

Oh.

Tesla, that's it.

Tesla, he was an old lover of mine.

He would shuffle his feet on the carpet and stick his dick on the doorknob.

That sounds fun.

And I wish the same for the both of you.

Hey, I'll deal with my clit and see what happens, Scott.

Sign me up.

We just need some shag carpeting.

That's exactly right.

Oh, Scott, you better marry this one.

I'm already married, Nana.

I don't know if you remember.

You were at the wedding.

Oh, right.

Your wife who goes to another school.

Scott, you lonely bastard.

Come on, Nana.

What?

I'm old.

I'm confused.

I love to see the staff mobilizing to keep us out of danger.

That's the most exciting part.

Just off stage, everyone's scrambling, scurrying to try to keep us from being electrocuted.

Why do you think it's turning white?

It's definitely got a froth on it.

It looks like your grandpa's bubble bath.

Remember how you used to slip under the water?

We used to play up Periscope.

You would be the little submarine, and you'd always piss in the water and drink it, wouldn't you, boy?

You'd call it Scotty's Hot Lemonade.

You were an adorable little bastard.

He offered me that the other day.

He still drinks it.

Isn't that sweet, Nana?

That's very sweet.

Did you try it?

I did, it tastes like piss.

Even though it was watered down by a whole bathtub of water?

No, it's still real strong.

I think he eats asparagus.

Stinky little boy, aren't you?

Really wondering about

how wise it was to have both of you on at the same time.

Your girlfriend and your grandma?

What's up, Scott?

We gotta bring the family together at some point.

It's International Women's Day.

We gotta steal a brain.

It's true.

We gotta celebrate.

Who's your favorite woman?

That's a great question.

My mother.

Oh.

Well, you wouldn't have a mother without me, boy.

Say something nice to your grandma before I scream.

You're my father's mother.

Well.

Yeah, but your mother wouldn't have met

you without a nigga.

You're on top of the logic.

There's logic.

There's logic.

And you got to think about it.

Now say happy International Women's Day to us and sing the song, boy.

I had no idea there was a song.

You don't know the song.

You know the song.

You both know the song.

Of course, we know the song.

Oh, you're going to put the burden on women, then.

We're supposed to have the month off.

Yeah, please give us the month off.

Sing us the song, boy.

At least start it off.

Yeah, we'll start.

We'll start it for you.

Okay, that's better.

You can take it off.

I'm sure I'll catch on as you go.

Women.

At least help me along the way.

Well, I'll give you a hint, dip shit.

The next word is

R.

I'll give you a hint, too.

The word after R is amazing.

And then it's the acrostic with International Women's Day.

Of course, it's

women.

Women Women are amazing.

And then you just spell out I-N-T-E-R-N-A.

And you give a word.

Why does it start with W if it's

women are amazing?

Then you go into the internet.

The international internet scale.

I-N-I-T.

Spell the word and so forth.

I is for

international.

N is for

national.

T is for Chanel.

E is for

international

R is for

national

A is for national again

He's cheating the system

that's the that's the that's the men's version that's that's what men do we get around the system you know it goes like this intelligence stupendies

Trailblazers eternally

upside down, right side out.

Fuck them how you got them, cause the name don't count.

Smoke them if you got them, women's days.

That's the song.

We sing it every year at school.

I suppose you don't have the woman's Christmas tree either, do you?

I haven't even heard of the woman's the women's Christmas tree.

What do you do all day?

Just stare at your own balls, boy?

There's other people around.

Women.

And we like to have our own little Christmas tree on this day.

How are they decorated?

Like bras or

bra.

It's a late.

It's okay, so you have a tree.

Yes.

There's a woman's head on top like a little angel.

Then the tree has hands.

It lifts up the bottom like a skirt.

And then there's a bush underneath, like from outside, but that's her bush because she's a tree.

And then she bends over, obviously.

Obviously, and a poop falls out, which is gold.

You don't have that?

You don't let your wife have that.

You don't let your wife have that.

I'm not standing in the way of my wife having that.

She's never brought it up to me.

Passive, passive man.

I'll tell you why his wife doesn't have the tree.

She's not real.

Well, I never met her.

Exactly.

Neither have I.

She's a real woman, Nana.

I know that you weren't happy

when I married her.

Because you made it up, boy.

You're a pathological liar.

That's why I'm here.

The whole family is worried about you, Nana.

Whoa, it's an intervention that I stumbled upon.

So you're the emissary of the entire family?

Yes, on behalf of Wanda, Megan, Tina, Lidley, Billers, Dangerly, and Grandma.

Even Dangerly?

Even your old crazy Uncle Dangerly.

He's worried about you.

Everyone knows you've got some sort of psychosis where you think you have a radio show that doesn't exist, boy.

Well, tell us something true.

Just to prove you're not a liar.

Tell us something good.

Tell me that you're nested.

Scream it like you want it.

Scream like a little piggy wants it.

Just do it.

I want it.

Scream like a little piggy wants it.

Oink, oink, I want it.

Higher up in the register.

Make it a squeal, boy.

I want it!

I'm satisfied.

Pretty good.

So tell us the truth.

I'm sorry I haven't been to the family reunions, Nana.

Well, why don't we both tell him something true so he learns how to tell his truth?

Okay, yeah, tell me something true.

You go first, Nanny.

I lied about how electricity was created.

It was now.

I don't know anything about it, and I never had sex with the man who made it.

Wow.

That's the brave, brave.

So you never met Nikolai Tesla.

No.

Wow.

Hugo.

I have.

Well, I didn't want to tell you this like this, but I guess I made it so I have to share a truth.

Yeah, you're the one who suggested that.

I don't want.

I don't want to say it.

It's too upsetting.

Okay, then.

Dare.

Yeah, dare.

Dare what?

Dare do.

Dare do.

Dare do.

Dare do.

Dare do.

Dare do, they do, they do.

Well, that changed the subject.

Do you double donkey do her to do it?

I double donkey dare you to do it.

Interesting, you say donkey.

Well,

my first time was on top of a donkey's back.

First time doing what?

Cheating on a donkey.

See, Scott, how open and vulnerable you are.

I didn't want to say it, Scott.

So now tell us the truth.

Isn't Donkey from Shrek the hottest Shrek character?

I love him because in the morning he's making waffles.

like a real man.

When was the last time you made breakfast for your wife?

Oh, that's a good question.

I'm usually concerned with making breakfast for our daughter.

Happy International Women's Day.

She's a girl, not a woman.

Oh, don't you know the difference, pervert?

See, Nana, this is why I don't like to talk about it.

I five to you, boy.

I love you.

Oh, Nana.

Say it back.

Nana,

I apologize for not being around the family.

It's just, this is the kind of reception I get.

I feel because, you know, I'm famous and you guys are intimidated by me.

Whoa.

What?

Whoa.

This is what I wanted to talk to you about, Scooty.

Because you see, you you think you have this radio show, Comedy Bing Bongzo, okay?

You're on it right now.

I'm sure I am, boy.

And you tell me, oh, last week I interviewed Santa Claus or a talking pig.

We're worried about your psychosis.

So I spoke to a doctor who said the only way to help you was to come and participate in the shutter island of it all.

So if that's what it takes to get through to you, then, hello, I'm Wacky Peanut Butter ketchup man.

Is that what you want to hear?

Oh, wow, wow, I haven't seen you in a long time.

How you doing?

My universe is filled with marbles.

Yes.

And it's on fire.

Help me, Scott.

That's hard to get around.

Always slipping and burning.

Come on.

Am I speaking your language now?

To be honest, I would prefer wacky peanut butter man.

Wacky peanut butter ketchup man.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Those two two things don't go together.

That's what makes it so wacky.

Exactly.

His superpower is he's disgusting.

And he pisses blood.

Been there.

Well, I promise Nat I'll start coming back around again.

And thank you for saying you love me.

That means a lot.

to me.

Imagine the response to I love you saying thank you.

That means a lot.

Wow.

That hurts Nanny when you say that.

That hurts Nanny when you say that.

To be honest, you weren't around when I was growing up.

The first time I met you was when you were the guest on my podcast.

Nana, is that true?

That's kind of crazy, bitch.

You didn't go meet your grandson for however many years?

You were an ugly baby, Scott.

You don't know this, but a witch came to your mother's baby shower,

got in a big fight with your mom she said i'm gonna do something bad to that baby i'm gonna make him ugly

three syllables yes ugly ugly

and when she did that scott you were a baby most horrifying that all fled from your circle until slowly slowly you be you became an ugly man

So weird that I grew out of it then and became so handsome.

I know, that's why I came back.

Because now you are easy on the eyes, my boy.

And I'm proud of you once again.

Thank you so much, Nana.

That means so much coming from someone of your stature.

Yes, peanut butter ketchup man, right, boy?

Yes.

And the first thing you need to do to save my planet is to take these pills.

This is some

iotine and some prosanitolium.

Let me get some of that.

For psychosis.

Okay.

Oh.

There you go.

Oh, okay.

It's oh no, it says on the bottle that those are going to affect you in uh something in a certain amount of time that is comedically appropriate.

I would imagine.

I do a show by the drug show.

I'm not gonna feel that at all.

I'm not too worried.

I do a la la

la la la la la la la

la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.

Sing it, Scott.

La la la la la la la la.

That's part of the international women's.

This is the bridge of women's song.

La la la la la la la.

And for the big finale.

Booyah.

He does know the song.

He does know it.

Well, Nana, it's wonderful to have you here.

Thank you so much for being there with my big moment here, returning to the festival that I started.

Look at me, get your help, boy.

Sure.

Thank you.

Nana, everyone.

Nana.

Say, Nana.

Nana.

Give it up.

Give it up.

Give it up.

Give it up.

Yeah.

Pack it up, pack it in.

Let me begin.

Oh, she knows the rap.

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What happened?

I fell asleep for a moment.

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Well, we have one very special guest coming to the stage here.

He was just here a few days ago, and he was doing a podcast here in town.

That makes sense.

Yep.

He decided to stay a couple extra days so he could be on this show.

It's very exciting.

He must have some money to do something like that.

He does have some money.

He, in fact, is the richest man alive.

Please welcome Elon Musk, everyone.

Wow.

Like, wow.

Elon Musk, everyone.

There, you go there.

I literally like spilling the water, right?

Whoa.

Wow, the richest man alive.

It's like, wow.

It's like, wow.

Elon Musk.

Hello.

Very cool.

Also, also, yes.

Greetings,

to your panel, of course.

Hometown hero, Austin, Texas.

It's great to be here in my hometown that I

adopted my hometown that I'm from.

You're a South African, as I recall.

It's Scott, of course.

If I must say, yes,

in some ways, yes, I'm South African and also Canadian.

So I'm evil, but I'm very polite about it, Your Russia.

And you know, you can be from someplace and adopt another place.

So, you know, Austin is like, it's like, it's like, it feels like home.

You know, you go around and, you know, petticabs, you know, for now, we're going to get rid of them and everything.

But

we've already started targeting them in the Tesla navigation apps.

So cool, so cool.

So many changes are happening, you know.

So we.

You want to have

legalized comedy, right?

Hey.

I love that you have so much money, and I'm curious if you want to have a baby with me.

Oh, that's very direct.

I like a little bit of a game.

I like to be the creeper.

All right.

All right.

I don't like that about you, and I don't want to have a baby with you.

Is there any way I can seduce you or otherwise manipulate you into having a child?

Yeah, throw me over a horse and see where it takes me.

I'm down for whatever, man.

I'm trying to...

I'm very

curious.

Have you procreated yet before?

I haven't.

I haven't.

I haven't.

No, you've not.

And honestly, it might be too late, buddy, but I'm down to try.

I'm down to try on it.

Almost,

in a sense,

biologically, then, you know,

perfectly perhaps a sample for, you know, to

be able to do that.

Well, of course, the price of certain eggs are more expensive than they have been in the past, of course.

I think we can blame the past administration, the communists, for that one.

Okay, well, you can have them.

I'll give you my eggs.

I have 14 and a half children that I know about.

Okay, let's make it, let's make it 16.8.

I like to avoid integers and whole numbers.

Okay.

I do like a decimal system.

Thank you very much.

There is a bit of an escrow process, you know,

if we're going to start the procreation process.

So, what's your favorite position?

Well, my favorite position

is.

I like to call it a.

yeah.

It's a Harry Seldon position, um sort of a foundation reference.

Yes, of course.

Um you know, foundation, like legalized quality, like references people get, right?

I have a question for you, C3P.

Oh, another woman, yes.

I like to of course they see, of course, the the women competing to see who can um compete for my foundation.

You seem to be doing groundbreaking things with science.

How does electricity work?

Well, of course, you know, the most important thing

with science is you should come and have you have enough money and you buy a company and then you

fire everyone and then you convene a press conference and you have like a you know a brand interaction here at South by Southwest and you go, hey, jump around inside the substack bounced house.

You know, oh, it's a bounced house where, oh, I was I was I didn't get more right wing, you know, the bounced house got two left wing.

What the hell are you talking about?

Science, of course.

Can I sleep in that bounce house?

Is it open just to anyone, or do you have to have a badge?

Well, you know,

it's not open to everyone, but we're trying to, the Doge team and all that is trying to, of course,

sort of respond to some of the

left-wing fascism that has kept some of the badge holders out of some of these events of Southwest, Southwest.

We can sleep in it, of course, and we can fuck in it.

Okay,

and once it pops, that begins the.

I have an unusual semen process, of course.

What is it?

Well, because I had two, I had

penile implants, of course, that went wrong.

I have a lot of rich people problem.

I have like rich guy voice because I have rich guy teeth.

A penile implant.

A penile implant.

It went wrong?

How could that be?

As long as you got one at the end of the day.

Well, you know,

of course, I've always had some forms of penises that are available to me.

Okay.

But also, I'm also obsessed with the letter X, you know, my child X-A-12, of course, what a catchy name that one was.

And

the X.com, and then the previous X.com, and then the space X.

And it X-rated, what we're about to do tonight.

It's always

X-rated, yes, because I like to.

I'm unable to have erections in the traditional amazing.

I'm losing interest.

I'm losing interest.

I'll be straight up.

Oh, no, but you lose interest, but it's so unusual, it usually brings people to some court of orgasm, even if it's artificial.

Okay, keep going, keep going.

Let's hear.

Well, yeah, I

di dijits there had to be, you know, I wanted an X artificially implanted into my penile organ, of course.

And so that made it not work because there were two penile implants sort of at loggerheads against each other.

Sort of two 90-degree angles and everything.

So I actually have to find a surrogate.

I have my excellent sperm, and I find a surrogate, and I inject my sperm into the balls of another man who then

Why?

Don't look at me.

Well,

there's hope for you yet, Scooty.

Well, I assume, you know, you know, there's all these stories that go around where they're like, oh, if someone paid you a million dollars, would you, you know, would you suck Brad's pitch stick?

And, you know, if you're talking about billions of dollars, then, you know, a porks-skinned, you know, bloat body like me can get rid of pretty much whatever he wants.

I can fuck your balls, and my cum can then fuck into one of these girls.

I'll do it for free.

Wow, that's easy.

It just sounded fun.

You called yourself a porkskin blowpup?

Well, yes, you know, Azalea Banks never liked me.

She called me a porkskin, bloat-bodied,

you know, person who's sort of, it didn't work, but you know, I take the compliment, like porkskin, yeah.

We're actually genetically engineering people,

the human evolution of sexual attraction.

We have data.

We've plugged into all your badges, South by Southwest, and all that.

And we're mining data.

The Doge team is currently plugged into all the hotels where everybody's having their little, you know, panels and so forth.

And

we've plugged into all your data, and of course, we're scraping all your Social Security, you know, your income levels, tax returns, all those things.

And we're going to start, you know,

there's going to be like

carrots and sticks.

We're sort of, oh, if you find a pork skin attractive, suddenly you'll start getting rich.

And I'm going to engineer myself artificially to the most attractive kind of person.

Wow.

I have a suggestion.

Couldn't you take the nose of a pig and make it be the tip of a penis so that piss comes out one and the semen comes out the other?

So we don't have that one nasty hole where it all comes out?

That's good.

That's a good question.

I'm very intrigued.

And

I since there is a, if I might borrow a terminology of yours,

wisdom.

There's the wisdom that comes with age, but also you seem like you have the expanded life expectancy, which I think will do wonderful on Mars.

Oh, yes, thank you.

It is from learned experience.

Have you ever done a keg stand?

You don't want to slurp all the beer out of that tube and then have it be switched out with milk, do you?

I do.

I actually do.

I love,

I don't mind having breast milk in keg stands to sort of artificially try to, because that's what life will be like on Mars, of course.

And yes, on Mars, I think we will be able to do all kinds of human genetic changes, of course, with

genetic modifications, genital modifications, of course.

The gravity is slightly different, and the laws are completely different, because I'll be making this.

You are such a strange little boy.

You should be friends with my grandson.

Suji, this is a new friend for you, boy.

Oh,

I thank you.

I like the guidance of a stern woman.

My mother hasn't got any friends.

My mother is made of frozen milk, also.

Hi, Elon.

My nan, I apologize for my nan.

No, you don't.

She wants us to be friends.

Isn't he handsome?

Tell him he's handsome.

He's got loose.

Well, you know,

there's a certain...

Okay.

I mean,

I mean, it's it's great to get a compliment.

You know, Joe Rogan said that I'm the smartest person alive.

And when the dumbest person alive says that about you, isn't that a great compliment?

What?

It's like you're bookending each other.

It's like, oh, oh, the opposite kind of guy said like a great thing about you.

I was like, wow, yeah.

So it's like, yeah, here I am.

I can say, yeah, you're a hot guy, of course, because

I look like a stack of

melted ice cream, kind of.

Yummy, a stack.

Well, yes,

I would be interested in paying you an amount of money.

By the way, I don't get any pleasure out of it.

I have a constant,

there's just constantly an oozing.

There's constantly an oozing of semen and other chemicals out of

other chemicals out of.

So I'm constantly, I'm always,

there's always, you know,

sperm view that it's always available to those who are able to receive it, but it has to be, it has to be, it has to enter either some sort of a syringe of some kind, or

some people are more turned on by the idea of like, you know, fucking it into your ball sack, and then you would fuck it into the receptive loins of, you know, a lady legalized comedy, you know?

Like, you can't joke about things anymore.

LOL, right?

I mean,

this is the part that I don't understand.

Why can't it just go from your X-shaped penis into the woman's vagina?

Why does it have to be injected into my balls?

Well, it doesn't have to be, but we just want to, you know,

we just like inject.

First of all, we like, you know, making things happen.

He likes making things happen, Scott.

Do you think you could recreate how the ninja turtles became?

That's what we really want out of our rich guys.

It's like, why can't we make the teenage mutant ninja turtles real?

Like with your radioactive jizz that you're describing with the chemicals.

Down in the sewer where I spend a good amount of time, and the turtles want to do something, but they're bored.

It's very interesting.

That's a very, very, very, very fruitful.

And I think I look forward to taking credit for that wonderful idea that you just caught up.

Hey, we can, I'll temporarily hire you, and then it'll be, you know, I'll make you sign an agreement that all of your intellectual property belongs to me.

Okay.

And then we'll be fired and then rehired desperately and then fired again.

And then, oops, your plane won't land.

And then.

No, it's fine.

It's fine.

We're taking over.

You know, SpaceX is going to take over navigation from the Federal Aviation Administration.

And so soon, all your commercial airline flights will start landing like SpaceX rockets, sort of backwards, backwards, trying to land on some kind of floating platform.

And here in Austin, it'll be out in the water, be like in

Barton Springs or something.

And every little Southwest flight or whatever, trying to land backwards like that.

And it has a two-thirds two-thirds success rate.

So there's nothing to complain about.

You're more likely, like I've always said, in the past, technological regime, you're more likely to die in

the car on the way to the flight than you are the actual, you know, comedy.

And you can say that also, that you're more likely to die, of course, in the self-navigating Tesla-operated

limousines and so forth.

And we're actually engineering that for certain people to die on the way to the airport, too.

Much easier to disavow than a plane crash, which sort of, yes.

Did you like doing SNL?

Yeah, it's like funniest.

I'm like, the funniest, isn't it great?

Isn't it great that we're just like, we're taking it over?

SNL can be funny again by having guys like me on.

Isn't that, I picked, you know, I put on a costume, and, you know,

we're recalibrating what laughter is, of course, because

there's that kind of, there's this kind of.

I feel that happening right now.

There's this.

And I don't,

I'm happy to engage.

If I tell you too much, I would probably be assassinated.

And I don't.

We don't want that.

We don't want that.

Thank you.

You agree with Joe Rogan, the dumbest guy alive.

We definitely don't want to be assassinated until my clones are ready, and then I'm going to assassinate myself.

Oh, you are.

But it'll just be, you know, to try to have a clone.

But

sure, I think.

Sure, sure.

I look forward to laughter on one this this is kind of like

there's a more powerful human evolutionary narrative of laughter which is that which is uh in you know online later in the in the in the in the public discourse you know in x.com in the you know that people get on there and they go oh lol oh that was really funny and they don't make it sound they don't actually laugh organically so instead of of people laughing you want them to put lol on

Twitter?

Yeah, I think in the future that for the evolution of the human species, that's what laughter is going to be.

That's what laughter is going to be.

It's going to be people saying lol and writing with their thumbs.

Because on Mars, you won't be able to hear.

So it's...

Nana!

Scott, can I talk to you for a moment?

Yeah, you want to talk over here?

Will I hit it off with you?

How are you liking the friendship date I set you on?

How's it going, Scooty?

You can tell me.

This guy sucks.

I would love to

experiment with you, if I could.

We should do that.

I need you to meet Pennywise because he's actually very available for the.

I like your girlfriend, but I don't like your new friend.

Have you met his friend Town Foolish?

It'll be a good challenge for you.

Yes, he fucks crazy, yes.

Now, knock that girl down before the end of the show.

I'm married already.

Okay.

Elon.

Elon and I are going to make the ninja tuna.

Did you hear.

Hey, it's women's month.

I'm sorry.

Sorry, Pamela.

What is this?

Which one I saw?

Oh, yes.

Oh, sorry.

I just got on my phone.

I just,

congratulations to me.

I just had two and a half more children.

Oh, wow.

Congratulations.

That was an amber alert.

Elon, did you hear Gavin Newsom's first episode of his podcast?

No, I think it's good.

I think it's good.

I think the radical, left-wing, far-left,

Marxist Leninists like Gavin Newsom, the far left, the furthest, the further,

the left door, and they go out the door.

That's where someone like Gavin Newsom is, to the left-wing of an anarchist.

And obviously, they're becoming, you know, normal centrists, like we fascists are.

I think it's wonderful.

Normal fascist centrism, I think, is the way people are coming back.

You know, you can't be so far left for so long.

You're going to be like, wait, like,

you know,

you don't need to continue.

I think we understand.

I think if you don't mind, I would like to continue.

It's just,

it's totally, you know, it's like.

Exactly.

It's like, wow.

LOL.

Thank you.

LOL.

Right, LOL.

LOL.

LOL.

Well, it seems like sparks are flying between you and Pamela here.

Shit's going down to crazy town.

I will say, if you want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it.

Whoa, like the dating game?

Whoa, wow.

No, I don't need you to pay for anything.

I'm sucking money out of your future family.

All of you, all of you, we've tracked all your badges and everything.

Your way of life is coming to an end.

LOL.

We're looking forward to rapidly increasing

what

you look to as destitute poverty.

And you're going to be desperate.

You're going to be desperate.

We're going to hire you back to press buttons and to program our AI machines.

Elon, I think you need to woo Pamela a little bit.

No, no, no, no.

She's desperate for it.

She's desperate for it.

She wants it.

Pamela, what is your dream date?

If you can?

So you have like all the money in the world?

I have all the money in the world, and the penis doesn't work, but that is something that many women have found very interesting.

All good, all good, all good.

All right, you have all the money in the world.

Then I'm saying we're going to Olive Garden.

We're going to have fettuccine Alfredo with the chicken.

I'm going to have a spicy marg

and

that's it.

Oh, and chocolate lava cake.

I will just, I'll sort of sit there,

snorting ketamine.

I'll do that too.

I'll

fondle some of the Italian balls.

Fondling balls.

I'll fondle the bread balls, of course.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm curious if you've ever,

if you like any kind of foreplay, if you've ever done the kind of like libertarian, you know, free market foreplay,

what's that?

Where there's a penis that doesn't get erect, but you kind of, if you've ever, if you're familiar with how to do heroin, if you...

Yes.

You kind of, you chase the dragon of the penis leek all the way down.

You kind of inhale it through your nose.

That sounds fun and interesting.

That's how I got pregnant with the Scots daddy.

I was with your grandpa.

Oh, you bang the gong.

Wait a minute.

Yes, he.

He's your son.

My daddy.

Yes, that's what I said.

He's my grandpa as well?

I got pregnant with your daddy.

And your mom.

Your daddy was in my belly.

You're my grandma and my mom.

What?

Wow, this really hits home.

This is like what the Musk family reunions are like.

I got pregnant.

Pregnant with your dad.

My dad got you pregnant, Neil?

No!

My grandpa got me pregnant.

Your grandpa?

My great-great-grandfather got you pregnant?

Exactly.

Now you're getting it, boy.

Wow.

And his dick didn't work either, so we'd slap it around, flop it up and down, play it old trombone, slap it on the stairs, he'd jiggle old peanut butter slime down the stairs, and I would chase it on a boogie board.

That's That's one way.

That is one way to accomplish it without the intimidation through, you know, the

other set of balls, of course, is that you can slide down.

Slide down, hips first.

Exactly.

That sounds fun.

LOL.

LOL.

LOL.

LOL.

LOL.

That's the next bridge of the International Women's Day song.

You know, this one.

You know,

there's a lot of comedy tropes that I think have been pushed by George Soros that we're going to be repealing soon.

Like the rule of three.

There's no reason for this sort of left-wing elitism of the rule of three.

We're going to have a rule of 14 and a half or something like that.

We just keep repeating the same thing.

All right, come up with 13 more comedy tropes.

Well,

you start repeating the same thing over and over again, or you say the same thing in a slightly different way, and it kind of trails off.

Or the same iteration, a different iteration.

Or you could even say the same thing several times, or the same thing could be said in multiple different directions.

And you see, they start coming around and realizing that they shouldn't come around.

And

when that happens, when you've actually deliberately lost all of them, 13?

I think that's

exactly where

a new kind of comedy

could almost turn into.

And a half.

Thank you very much.

Elon Musk, everyone.

Elon Musk.

Thank you.

Wow.

I look forward to all of your deaths.

Wow.

Did you have anything to do with that Gene Hackman situation?

Tell us the truth.

Well,

something went wrong, of course.

I admired his longevity, and I was trying to inseminate his balls in a certain way.

You were trying to inseminate Gene Hackman's balls?

Yeah, because they expressed some interest in me, and the whole thing went haywire.

And

I accidentally even kicked one of the dogs back into the crate on my way, stumbling out of the...

Come on, Elon.

Elon!

Now that's the new laughter that I've talked about.

That's the new laugh.

The libertarian freedom laughter.

I love that.

Thank you for bringing up that topic.

That was a great...

topic.

My pleasure.

I was about to bring it up myself, but thank you for bringing it up.

Well, guys,

we're all here now out on stage.

Whoa.

And you know what that means?

It's time for the CBB roundtable.

That's right.

Yes, that's the theme.

Thank you.

You know the rules of the roundtable.

The table must be round, and the topics must be squarely at the heart of the issue.

You're doing great, sweetie.

This is where the show gets a little real.

I'm going to be asking you questions about the day's events, and we're just going to go rapid fire through them, all right?

Do you want me to answer as Peanut Butter Ketchup Man?

Sure, if you want to make you happy, sure, Nana, yes, please.

Answer as Peanut Butter Ketchup Man.

Can I

answer as Peanut Butter Ketchup Man?

Sure, Elon, you can answer.

No, I'll be Peanut Butter Ketchup Girl.

Can I answer as my character, Adrian Dittman?

See, that's such a funny thing that I do.

I have this character that I made that's obviously me, and I spend billions of dollars on making people not really believe that I'm pulling it off.

Oh, let him do that one, Scootie Account.

Okay, yeah, you can be Adrian Dittman as I am.

Adrian Dittman, I love everything Elon is doing from a separate space that I occupy.

All right, peanut butter ketchup man.

I'm married to a baby.

Is that legal?

All right, this is where we go through the issues of the day.

What's on people's minds?

Okay, I want to hear all of your various opinions on the issues of the day.

All right.

Here we go.

All right.

First up, rapid fire.

What's a pizza topping that most people hate but you secretly love?

Ketchup.

Of course, I would expect that from peanut butter ketchup man.

Peanut butter.

All right, and Andrew Dittman, is that your name?

Yeah,

sure.

Adrian Dittman, of course.

Adrian, sorry.

One of my favorite tiktok toppings is

a foreskin that's been recently circumcised.

Recently.

In the style of calamari.

And a side of calamari?

No, it's in the style of calamari.

LOL, of course, obviously.

In a ring.

And peanut butter ketchup girl?

Pepperoni.

Scotty, do you want to answer two?

What do you like to eat?

You can be a part of it.

Go on.

You know, I like a nice sausage, pizza.

And not a lot of other people like that?

No, no.

Is that the question?

Yeah, I think so.

You're so brave, Scotty.

All right, if you wanted to get abducted by aliens, how would you convince them to take you to their planet?

All right, we'll start with Peanut Butter Ketchup Girl.

Yeah, I just say, let's hang.

Let's hang.

You know, I get naked and walk into the woods and shit just goes down.

You should try it sometime.

I'm not Peanut Butter Ketchup Girl, Scott.

I'm sorry, are you Pamela again?

I'm only me.

I can't be anyone else no matter how hard I try every day.

I put makeup on like a lady and it falls right off.

Adrian Dittman, is that your name?

Actually, yes, I think

that is the legitimate name, of course, as you can tell from the screenshot of my

character.

We're going to need your answer.

If I were to entice an alien to

bring me to his planet, or her planet, to intimidate her.

Their planet.

Their planet.

Oh, no, pronouns?

Okay, I guess.

I'm sorry, actually, I don't use pronouns.

I've eliminated them from English language.

Well, we don't know that aliens have genders.

We don't know if they have time.

Wow, so woke.

Oh, go woke, go broke.

I think what I would do is I would set my planet aflame so that they would come to rescue me, and then I would hop on board their ship and be like, I'm in charge of you now.

If I had the power, uh, which I don't, but my favorite guy, Elon Musk, does.

A nanna.

I would, uh, I would offer them some crack.

You see, now I'm answering as Pamela.

It's getting very confusing up here.

Don't you see how this would have been less funny under this regime, but more funny in a futuristic regime, if instead of three of these,

like 11 and a half more?

I agree.

In your opinion, what's the funniest word in the English language?

Ditman.

X, of course.

X.

Yeah, the word X.

The word X.

I don't know that that's a word necessarily.

Can you jump up and do the X thing again?

Well, of course.

Yeah.

Careful as water.

Yeah.

That was natural.

That was like half an X.

You didn't lift one of your arms.

Well, also, yeah.

I have the microphone on it.

The lavaliers went to buy me.

Okay, sure.

Careful.

Thank you.

And you gotta, you know, you make sure you gotta do that.

You really always have to wear large-sized shirts, even though you should be wearing an XXL, so that you have a little bit of pork spilling out the bottom of it.

Whenever you jump up, the guy's trying to take a picture here.

Nice pork.

Thank you.

Thank you.

See, we've already steering evolution in the sexual direction.

Yeah, it's Kamala from Big Bear.

I'll take either of you.

I'll take either of you.

What?

Oh, there's two of us.

Let's say the funniest word at the same time, baby.

Taint.

Wonderful.

All right, if you were a sitcom character, what would be your catchphrase?

Peanut butter and ketchup, baby.

Now I'm back to peanut butter, ketchup, man.

Okay, thank you.

I'm not sucking that.

Door slam.

Is that peanut butter, ketchup, girl?

Yes.

Yes.

Did you say Doris slam?

Door slam.

After I say it, I slam the door.

I thought you were attributing the quote to Doris Slam.

And that was said by Doris Slam.

May she rest in peace.

She was a prolific libertarian philosopher, actually.

Competitor with Ayn Rand, of course.

And Mr.

Dipman, what is...

My sitcom catchphrase would be,

we really have to

look at something like Social Security as a very dangerous Ponzi scheme.

We, as free society, wouldn't listen to court orders or things like that.

A free society would do whatever the the executive who's been elected wants to do and then stop having elections.

And policy schemes like Social Security have to go away and be replaced by stable currencies run by cryptocurrencies and so forth.

And we're going to replace the dollar.

That would be my trick.

I'm not sure that's going to fit on a channel.

And then a door slam.

LOL.

LOL.

LOL.

I want to change my answer to Bazinga.

I think that one is already being used.

Although it is laying fallow right now.

Nana!

Nana!

Nana!

I made her feel bad.

Your shoulder is so sharp.

Fix it!

Nana, I apologize.

You've been hard on me today, Scott.

You said hard on.

Say you love her.

Tell her.

I've been desperate for you to say it back, and you haven't said it all.

Nana, you've only been on Comedy Bang Bang three times, and those are the only three times I've ever seen you.

But don't you love me, Scooty?

I worry that the way I grew up without a grandmother.

That was my bad.

I was a piece of shit for that.

Yeah.

I let you down.

I let a lot of people down.

I was only thinking of myself, Scott.

Right, yeah.

I was afraid of my own mortality.

I didn't like being a grandma.

I wanted to be called Gigi at first.

Did you know that?

Gigi.

I didn't like the word grandma or nana.

I wanted Gigi or cinnamon girl.

It was hard for me getting older.

And I lied.

You weren't an ugly baby.

You were a gorgeous baby.

Oh my God.

It hurt to look at you because I loved you so much, Scooty.

And all I was was an aging cinnamon girl with no one to love.

Grandma, your hair looks like spaghetti all of a sudden.

It's like...

flowing down your back like Medusa's heads.

See, the pills are hitting her now.

There is something, a strange attraction that is awakening in me.

You haven't taken the pills.

I'm aware, of course, I have taken lots of pills.

I take

GMT on an hourly basis.

Well,

that ex-dick is coming out.

It looks like a waffle iron from underneath my pants.

This is part of it.

It starts with hallucinations.

Just a tiny little zip of that fly, and that thing's taking over the whole stage.

You say you're immortal, and you're all about your selfish.

And I like that.

It's sort of like, yeah, it's sort of a science fiction foundation,

and so forth.

Nano, would you like Elon Musk to impregnate you?

Yes, I would.

Great.

I'll fuck your grandson and he can fuck with my steam into you.

It's the perfect kind of Musk family

arrangement that we've done for many centuries.

No, no, do that.

Do that.

I'll watch it later.

You'll watch it later.

Do you have to tape it?

Of course.

This is how we're going to train future human societies.

On an old camera, I put in a VCR.

Reliance.

You don't have to consent, and it's better if you don't.

Okay, we'll talk about this a little later in the show.

All right, here's another question: Who would win in an arm wrestle, you or the person next to you?

Pamela?

The person next to me is not next to me.

They're over there.

They're over there, Scott.

The person next to me is behind me.

And the person next to you is next to me, Scott.

I think the drugs have worn off.

What?

I'm next to you.

Sorry.

You miss me?

It's hard to hear what I'm saying around the accent of my rich man teeth.

Oh.

Oh, you're next to me.

Yes, I'm next to you.

Would you, Elon Musk, would you like to arm wrestle Pamela from Big Bear?

I think it's a challenge.

Obviously, I'll do it.

Let's lay down.

This reminds me of my challenge to fight.

Let's lay down.

This reminds me of the challenge to fight Mark Zuckerberg, which I was happily.

I'll fight Mark Zuckerberg anytime.

I'm happy to arm wrestle my opponent.

The floor is going to get

trousers and fantastic.

There's water everywhere.

Why not?

Sure.

That's an absolute belly button, Soaker.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

You know what?

I'm over it.

Why even bother?

Everyone knows I would win.

It's so easy for me.

That's your hand so slimy.

I have to say, I'm calling that as a draw.

Neither of you won.

Although you gave up.

I think you gave up.

We're going to have to take that to the international arm wrestling.

It's going to have to be adjudicated.

And

we're going to be appointing some new Supreme Court justices.

So it'll be appealed and all that, but we're going to run that.

It's going to take too long.

I won.

I won.

I won because I said I did.

And I purchased.

I just.

I purchased Esther's Follies.

I'm buying after this.

You're buying Esther's Follies?

I'm buying Esther's Follies.

The storied institution of Austin?

Did he win?

It's constitutional, technically, if you say it loud enough.

There's nothing to stop me from buying Esther's Follies, which, I mean, it was a great mistake that's almost written into the name.

LOL.

LOL, LOL.

All right, Nana, who do you want to arm wrestle?

Felon Musk or me?

Well, seeing as it's International Women's Day, I think the girls should take the boys.

In a double-decker, let's go.

Oh, I'm finally interested.

All right, okay.

When you say double-decker, what exactly do you mean?

Yep.

Uh-huh.

Exactly.

So, both of us are.

Oh, gee, you're on top of each other?

All right.

That's right.

And

you'll notice that there is a receptive posture for your testicles.

I'm not fucking him in his ass.

I'm fucking him in his testicles.

I don't know that this is.

Do you feel the X?

Do you feel the X X?

Oh, oh, X.

X!

X!

Oh, no!

Oh, Jesus!

Oh, no!

Oh,

I would.

Oh, what?

Wow.

Wow.

Oh.

All right.

Wow.

That was hot.

It was strangely satisfying, wasn't it?

Would anyone like a cigarette after that?

Do some ketamine and ayahuasca.

Ketamine and ayahuasca?

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Come on, rip it out.

The tip of my hair is wet from being dragged through a bottle, and I hate it.

Do you feel the attachment to the life form that has been created inside of your womb?

Have I become pregnant from that?

Probably with three and three

life forms.

Oh, hell.

Scotty, you hear that?

You're going to have sisters.

Oh, my gosh.

3.75 of them?

That's right.

Wow.

This is incredible.

Elon, you're sort of like my daddy now?

Wow.

We're all approaching the end of civilization.

Ladies,

does your man have post-apocalyptic potential, the man you're dating?

Do you need a spotlight for this, please?

Does your man have a post-apocalyptic potential like I do?

Yeah,

we're approaching a great mass extinction event.

And the wealthiest will survive, and the cleverest will not survive.

I'm sorry.

What is the mass extinction event that's approaching?

Well, it was global warming, but we're going to speed it up with just a sort of a global nuclear civil war.

So congratulations, it's like the last time anybody's going to have traditional Homo sapien fun.

Awesome.

I guess I'm going back to my sewer.

It's safe down there.

With your neighbor?

Yeah, my neighbor, my lover.

Are you going to be able to get me down there, Mr.

Musk?

Well, part of me will leak down there, of course, in a certain way.

That's fine.

You, just like the great masters, Leonardo and Mike Michelangelo and so forth.

Yeah, why were they named after those famous painters?

I think it was Splinter who

decided to do it.

Wasn't Splinter mutated first?

I don't know.

This is my other show.

Scotty, you're doing a good job.

Thank you, Nana.

I appreciate that.

Well, guys, just one last question here in the roundtable.

If there's something that you want to say to the audience, go ahead and take the center stage.

That's not a question, boy.

If.

Sorry.

You didn't let me get to it.

Okay, go ahead.

If there's something you want to say to the audience, go ahead and take center stage, won't you?

Wonderful.

We'll start with Nana.

I'm on tonight.

You know, my hips don't lie.

So I'm the theater's right.

The attraction, the section.

Don't you see, baby, this is perfection.

Wonderful.

Wonderful.

Elon Musk, go ahead and take center stage.

Center stage is actually further right than people recognize.

So I think this is the real center, and we're going to be dragging everyone over here.

And actually, we're going to, this is going to be so far to the right, you're not going to see us in a traditional way, but but we we run your lives.

And we already have all of your data.

All your base belong to us, LOL, obviously.

And the most important thing is if you wanna say something and be taken like you're a genius,

you say obviously, before and after, like obviously.

And they think, oh, this guy's thought of it a lot.

And another very important thing to do, if you wanna

pretend to be an influential, intelligent intellect, is sort of um

just make it sound like a like you have deep thought going into everything you do, and then just say something ridiculous and insane.

And then they're gonna go, oh, that guy thought about it a lot.

That's why he's insane, because he's been thinking so much.

And

if you can buy enough websites, you can just say that you're a genius, and that becomes reality.

So you're welcome.

I'm genius.

So thank you.

Elon Musk.

All right, Pamela from Big Bear.

My pussy is drier than this hair on a hot Tuesday, bitches.

Good night.

Wow.

I thought that was exactly what you were trying to get at.

That does start to bring you a bad thing.

I thought it's what you were getting at.

It does start to bring the branding iron out.

Yeah, yeah.

Scotty, did you want to say something?

I feel that a lot of times you ask the questions, but you're not brave enough to answer them yourself.

You're right, you're right.

Guys, this is our final comedy bang bang at the South by Southwest show.

I'm sorry to announce it like this.

We're never coming back.

Take off your shirts!

Who was your shirt?

Who said that?

It was me.

Pamela, you want me to take off my shirt?

Yeah, do it.

Why not?

See what goes crazy.

Only if you do it first.

Uh, no.

But you've been such a warm and lovely audience to us over the years.

I hate to leave, but you're going to love to watch us go.

And I want to thank our guests here tonight, my Nana.

I love you, boy.

Say it.

Say it back.

I think I could grow to love you.

I'll take it, Scoochie boy.

Aw,

and Elon Musk, it's so wonderful to meet you.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

You see, that's real laughter.

The hands obediently moving together.

I like that.

And Pamela from Big Bear.

Hey.

When you do that, what are you...

What am I?

What does it make you think of?

Yes, Scott, does it remind you of your wife at all?

Hallelujah.

He doesn't know.

Yeah, he doesn't know what that is.

Licking pussy.

No, it's a deke.

Eats a deek.

Eats a deek.

That was Mario's original catchphrase.

Was it?

Well, guys, South by Southwest, this is us bringing it to a close.

I want to thank our audiences here.

It means the world to us that you showed up here today.

And that has been our show, everyone.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

I want to thank Lisa Gilroy,

James Adomian,

Lauren Hopkins.

Good night, everyone.

Thank you.

I'm going to put you on, nephew.

Hi, Don.

Welcome to McDonald's.

Can I take your order?

Miss, I've been hitting up McDonald's for years.

Now it's back.

need snack wraps.

What's a snack wrap?

It's the return of something great.

Snack wrap is back.

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Hey, everybody, it's Paul Scheer, host of How Did This Get Made, a podcast that covers the best, worst movies.

This week, we're diving into the brand new War of the Worlds reboot, starring Ice Cube.

Yes, the movie that got 2% on Rotten Tomatoes.

Ice Cube is saving the world from aliens via his computer.

It's so convoluted, this plot, but basically, if you have an Amazon account, you can save the day just like Ice Cube.

There is so much going on in this movie.

So, join me, June, Diane, Rayfill, and Jason Manzukis, as we break down every bizarre choice and every Ice Cube one-liner on this week's episode of How Did This Get Made, the podcast that makes sense of movies that don't.