Bonus Bang: Tim Baltz, Dan Lippert, Mary Sohn, Lily Sullivan, Brett Morris (Nutz 4 Snutz)

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Hey everyone, Scott Auckman here, and welcome to another bonus bang.

Bonus bangs being, of course, episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we have previously recorded that we're bringing out behind the paywall.

And this is our sixth and final episode in our Nuts for Snuts series, which of course features Tim Baltz from the Righteous Gemstones.

You've seen him pole dancing on recent episodes.

He plays his character Randy Snuts.

And this week, in fact, we're doing something a little special.

This is not an episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but this is an episode of Randy's own show, Hey Randy.

That's right, over there at CBB World as part of CBB Presents.

Randy Snuts has his own show called Hey Randy, which has an episode about once a month.

And we're releasing one of the episodes out there so you people who don't subscribe to CBB World can hear it.

This is episode four, and it's titled Cat Puke Taquitos.

It features, of course, Tim Baltz as Randy, Dan Lippard as Stewart, Mary Soane as Amber, Brett Morris as Mark Patavano, and of course, Lily Sullivan as the duplicitous Carissa.

The gang listens to caller questions, gives their best advice, plus, Carissa and Randy are back together, so Carissa is on her best behavior.

Now, if you enjoy this episode, I've got great news for you.

There's so many more just like it, and maybe even better.

When you become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

Plus, we have all the live shows, all of the Comedy Bang Bang archives, every single episode we've ever recorded, all ad-free.

Again, thank you for listening.

We will be back Monday with a brand new episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

But until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

CBB presents.

I've really been trying to sleep better at night, making little changes to my life so I wake up fresh, ready to meet the new day's challenges.

Unfortunately, last night I got a little hungry right before bed and ate the only things I could find in my fridge, which was a ruby red grapefruit, two king-sized snickers, and a full jar of Pot Belly's Jardinera.

As I closed my eyes, my tummy growled, and the sound slowly turned into the revving of a motorcycle's engine.

A rider was in front of me, wearing a helmet with a tinted visor.

The mystery man beckoned me onto the back of his silver hog.

I put on my own helmet, wrapped my arms around him, and we we took off, accelerating faster and faster into the night.

Suddenly, we were on a highway, zooming through traffic, jumping over cars, passing one billboard after another.

The first billboard had a picture of Jesus with his arms raised to the sky, and it read, tonight is the night when two become one.

The second had a picture of Jesus with his arms crossed, and it read, the spice girls were punished for being horny.

Apologize to them.

And the third also had a picture of Jesus, but he was looking kind of cocky in this one with his hands on his hips, and it read, I died for your sins.

Do you stand a king?

Then the motorcycle skidded to a stop and I was sent flying to the ground.

I tumbled and tumbled for what felt like hours, but when I finally stopped, I was only a few feet from the motorcycle.

The rider pointed to the final billboard and said, as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our soul, and then removed his helmet, which somehow transformed his outfit into a flowing white robe.

It was a man with long, beautiful hair, a full beard, and a twinkle in his eye.

I gasped and said, Damn, Jimmy Carter, you truly are the rock and roll president.

Then I woke up and burped so loud that my neighbor texted me, please turn down your stereo.

Anyway, I'm never gonna die.

Let's fucking go.

Hey, Randy.

Hey, Randy.

Hey, Randy.

All right, we are back in Mark Padavano's living room.

Probably the most perfect sonically recording space that we could find in town.

I'm here with the crew, Amber Pussiteri, and Stuart Knox.

What's going on?

Okay.

What's good?

Whoa.

Wow.

I'm in a mood.

I am in a mood.

Is it the Hello Kitty backpack?

Why do you always have to call out the Hello Kitty that I'm wearing?

You make a voice every time that you're wearing it.

Okay.

So you're looking cute.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you.

I don't feel cute.

I don't feel cute.

Well, 420 was crazy.

It was probably the worst day of my life.

Oh, no.

Well, you know, you just go too hard.

It used to be when you were younger.

It's a nice little holiday during college.

You take the day off.

As an adult, you still got responsibilities, and I just went too hard.

And

I think, thanks for coming over and just chilling out with me and watching Batman Forever.

I think that's what really turned it around.

Yeah, we watched it so many times it felt like forever.

We did watch Batman forever, forever.

But we could tell as soon as we walked in, we like we saw the look on your face.

We were like, he miscalculated the edibles for sure.

100%.

Well,

I get all my edibles from a company.

I don't know what language it is, but it's not English.

And they're a little cheaper, but I don't think that the metric translations work out exactly the way I had

done.

How many did you do of that metric?

Well, I had

bottle

and then I had a, I made a little Oreo smoothie.

And the smoothie, I used like these weed Oreos.

And

each one is 40 and then some letters.

Or not milligrams or something.

It's not milligrams.

Letters and shapes.

I don't know.

Because

it is not an American company and it doesn't work in Google Translate when I plug it in.

So I'm not sure.

But I'm getting it on the cheap.

I am getting it on the cheap.

Oh, still, you got to leave them alone.

You were very fucked up.

You kept saying, I got to leave.

I got to leave.

And then we kept reminding you that this was your house.

Right.

But you said, I got to go home.

Yeah.

And then I was thinking, like, maybe home is a higher plane that I need to be in.

And then for a while, you were there.

I left my mom a pretty long voicemail asking to go back into the womb, which

she has not responded to.

Yeah.

She left you on red.

Yeah, she did leave me on voicemail red.

Dang.

So you know that she absolutely listened to it?

I do know.

She said, got your voicemail, and then nothing after that.

Dang.

Devastating.

Although, I will say that voicemail did teeter into sexual territory

a couple of times.

Oh, God, that's embarrassing.

That's embarrassing for your friends to see you that way.

Well, voicemails are inherently sexual these days.

It's like a vocal DM now because you don't leave them for anyone unless there's a relationship there or you need

your doctor to get back to you.

You did start the voicemail by saying, hey, mom, I'm sliding into your VMs

with a little question for you.

I regret it.

If I was going to say I didn't regret it, I'd be lying.

It's good to have pals around for moments like that because

that was a rock bottom for me.

No, we've seen you worse than that.

We've absolutely seen you worse than that.

And I don't blame you for your confusion either because out of all the people who I've seen next to their biological mother, you probably look the least like her.

You know, you're like the spitting image of your dad.

So you're probably growing up your whole life being like, is it my mom?

She looks good.

I am so glad to hear someone else say that out loud.

You know, when someone says a thing, they're like, that is how I felt, felt, but I never realized it.

And that's where I am, I think, with my mom.

It's like,

my dad, you know, I would never be hot for him because he looks like me, you know?

Yeah.

But my mom, there's no resemblance there that I see.

Yeah, so that's long blonde hair.

That's Oedipal right there.

Before the pod began, there was a lot of Greek mythology talk.

Yes.

So now

we're like absent-mindedly kind of walking right into it.

I was feeling a little...

Zeus was the only guy I could think of.

Yeah.

Sure.

The main guy.

That's the main guy, right?

Yeah.

That's good.

Because if someone's like, a basketball, who are you thinking of?

And you're like, Calbert Cheney?

Like, no, Michael Jordan.

What's your problem?

Amber, you're wearing some nice basketball shoes.

Those are high tops.

Yeah, this is what they used to wear before they knew that they're terrible for your feet.

Chuck Taylors.

There's no arch support.

Why would you be running around a basketball court like that?

That's why anytime people are like, they're today's players are better athletes.

I'm like, oh, yeah, you think?

Because they have functional cartilage in their feet.

Idiots.

People like, well, they have better sports science today.

And I've been ridiculed for saying players have better sports science and it prolongs their careers.

And so, you know, you got to grade their stats on a curve.

I've been ridiculed for that.

It's like, all right, why don't you run eight miles over two and a half hours in Chuck Taylor's?

Right.

Have you worn Jordan once?

Yeah.

I mean, he literally bled through him the first time he played in him, you know, and he still was Michael Jordan.

Throw those on Kyrie Irving right now and he'd have to take the week off.

Yeah, he'd be giving the middle finger to everybody, not just Boston.

$50,000 fine, was it?

I think so.

Honestly, nothing to him, right?

Now, Amber, who would you pay $50,000 to give the finger to?

That's a great question.

Well, if I could do it again, Mr.

Delgado.

Mr.

Delgado.

Because the first time I was slapped with a detention and then I gave a hand.

Yeah.

And what and you know my motto?

If someone slaps you, you slap him back.

Yep.

Right?

You took it like a champ.

He went down like a folding chair.

After he slapped me.

I know.

We thought it was going to be like one of those Eastern European slap battles, but he went down quick.

I didn't even turn my head.

I gave it straightforward.

I thought the security camera would bone you, but when the superintendent saw it, he laughed so hard and he was like, oh, well, Delgado hit her first.

Look at him go down.

He kept rewinding it.

Look at him go down.

Boy, fun when a superintendent hates a teacher.

Yeah, you can really feel that energy.

And you got to make it up.

But it's like, oh, everyone thinks this teacher's a loser.

It's not just the kids.

What about you, big dog?

Who are you giving the middle finger to for 50K?

For 50K.

So I pay $50,000 to give the middle finger to somebody?

I mean, you already did two, you did that $250 fine for the middle finger you gave to those cops at the Dairy Queen.

Yeah, that's true.

Because they came back through the drive-through twice before you got through once.

Yeah, the siren went off right as I was about to take it from park back into drive and they caught in front of me and I was like, you got to be kidding.

So I left it in park, got out, climbed on top of the cop car, stuck my head so that they were seeing it upside down on the windshield and flicked them off.

And they just took $250 out of my wallet.

But no, for real, for $50,000, it'd be Margaret Thatcher.

Whoa.

I go back in time.

You give her a big bird to the face.

Well, you know, and are you paying a modern 50K or are you paying 50k from

oh 50k back then so i guess it'd be even more i don't know just after watching the crown i just got so mad at her

i fucking hate her you know

trojan horse

not because of how she looks i'm not saying she looks like a horse it's okay it's okay if you are

all right yeah

she looks like a

type of horse i guess She's not here to defend herself.

If she was, she'd be silenced by those two big birds coming at her.

Yeah, damn right.

They'd be in her nostrils, and she'd be like, oh, I'm chuffed.

Is chuffed bad?

I want to say that chuffed equals putting out the blunt, no, you chuffed it.

You chuffed it too soon.

Oh, is this?

Sorry, is this not a good time, Randy?

I just.

No, we're recording the podcast.

Sorry, I'm not, I just, I'm not even here.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, Carissa.

Hey,

we're back together, guys.

Hey, girl.

We're back together.

Seriously.

You got to be.

Hi, Carissa.

That's a big bread bowl of chowder you're doing there.

Excuse me?

That's a big bread bowl of chowder you're eating there.

Yeah, so actually I was going to say, I know, I know you guys are doing the recording.

I didn't want to interrupt the recording.

But I have, I did make some hors d'oeuvres for the group.

It's already hors d'oeuvres.

It's a fool.

I know.

It's just a big bowl of chowder.

I thought you guys could dig down facebook.

It's in a bread bowl.

Can you put it on a plate?

It's dripping out the bottom of the bread.

The whole point with a bread bowl is that you eat the bread and you go face down on it.

That's the whole point of a chowder.

Why are you guys looking at me like I'm crazy?

That's the whole point.

Because you got chowder all over your face.

You clearly went face down on it first.

Well, I went first.

Yeah, exactly.

I thought I would eat my portion and then bring it out to you guys so that you can eat.

Of course, isn't that hot?

It is steaming out the top.

Yeah, it's hot.

It's fucking chowder.

It's supposed to be hot.

I thought you got third-degree burns on your face.

No, that's just because I had a chemical peel.

Oh, God.

So my face was like really raw already when I put it in the chowder to eat.

You guys, I made some other snacks.

I was going to check in and see if you guys wanted some

Dorito Taquitos.

Buffalo.

Damn, I mean, that sounds good.

What was the buffalo going to be?

It's Buffalo Dorito Taquito.

Oh, that was still a descriptor of the first one.

The meat is buffalo.

Like a little nacho?

No, like a taquito.

Okay, wow.

So instead of ground beef, you used ground buffalo?

Yeah, my dad goes hunting for buffalo.

He just shoots them in people's yards.

We said that a few times.

We think it's big dogs.

It's not dogs.

It's buffalo.

I know you guys are like, there's no buffalo in this part of the country.

Everyone chill.

My dad knows exactly what he's doing.

Francis?

You can check the next door app.

People are talking about how their big dogs are getting shot all over town.

And why does it taste like the best buffalo I've literally ever eaten?

I don't.

Well, first off, I don't think you've ever had actual buffalo.

Yes, I haven't been eating buffalo since I was a kid.

My dad's been hunting them all over town.

Oh, man.

Look, I'm not here.

I didn't want to interrupt.

I know that this is like your guys'

thing that you do this and it's so fun for you.

Yeah.

But I just wanted to say, if you need anything, I'm here.

I'm a good little girlfriend.

What I need?

Huh?

I need the money that you owe me after I did your last shadow.

No.

That's what I need.

I sent you a Venmo.

You should have gotten it.

No.

I sent you the Venmo.

No.

At last Shad.

At Last Shad.

And you did not.

No, I'm checking it now.

You did not.

Pull out your Venmo, Chris.

So let's see yours.

Well, I don't have my Venmo on my phone.

I have it on my iPad.

Well, it didn't go through.

You can't like that kind of technology doesn't mess up.

It's not like the post-production.

No, it must have not.

There must be an issue on your end Amher.

Like, you should call Venmo or call the bank.

Because, like, I sent it through my iPad and then I double-checked it on my dad's computer.

Yeah, maybe you can call Francis, ask him if you can borrow some money.

My dad's really busy lately.

Okay.

Because you know, he's he does financials.

He does financials i wish you would do financials what do you mean i wish you would do the payment that you need to pay me all right well again you need to check on your end okay so anyway i don't want to bug you guys but if you need me i am randy you know you can ask me for anything okay can you leave the room what

please

sorry babe we're okay yeah no no it's totally fine it's such a like i'm not here like i'm not here all right see ya I'll be in the kitchen.

We'll see ya.

Cooking and cleaning and being a good little wag, girlfriend, wife.

All right.

Let's not get ahead of ourselves here.

You don't have to claim too much.

It's Mark Patovano's place.

Love you guys.

Okay.

All right.

Sorry, guys.

Can I say something?

Yeah.

I wanted to bring this up.

In your dream, this was the first one you've had that Carissa wasn't a part of.

Oh.

Whoa.

I feel like something's you're you're making some growth here, I think.

Establishing boundaries.

Yeah.

And then your subconscious is not awakened and having to deal with that.

Man, you're right.

And that's the first time I calmly asked her to leave the room.

When she said, if you need anything and she started kind of pulling her waistline lower, you didn't say, I do need something.

You looked away.

Yeah, you're right.

Dang.

I'm proud of you, man.

I'm always looking at the V on a waist, too, even on guys.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

It just takes like a week of planking to develop that part of the body.

That's what they say, but my shoulders just can't handle a plank.

Really?

Yeah.

How are you doing the plank?

Are you doing it on your forehead?

Yeah, no, you got to do it.

No,

so you lay flat.

Yeah, on your elbows.

How do you get your elbows under your forehead?

Oh, boy.

All right, let's

take some calls and then I'll explain this.

All right, let's get a caller up here.

Hey, Randy.

Honestly, this isn't a duplicitous life event that I need help with, but I just do want your opinion on something.

I'm trying to write about gym teachers wearing their Oakleys on the back of their head, and I'm just trying to understand what's the deal with that.

So, my question is, what's the deal with that?

Why do people do that?

And are you pro or against Oakleys on the back of your head?

Thanks, Randy.

Love you so much.

Bye.

I mean, I, I guess I'm against it.

I think I'm against it.

Shocking.

Oh, shit.

I got some on my, the back of my head right now.

Damn, I forgot about that.

Okay, I guess I'm for it.

I'm for it.

I'm for it, but I understand how people hate it.

Like, it, it really triggers a lot of people.

Yeah, that's interesting.

I, I just never knew how else you would wear them.

do you have never put them on just like over the bridge of your nose to cover your eyes

no

i mean i know that i always put them on the back of my head so that people think that they're talking to the back of my head and i can ignore them like that's the easiest way to trick someone into just like yammering on and on and not having to listen to them that worked so well for you when crisscross was big and then became a little harder later on

when the style didn't really fit it it did yeah

but i mean if you're a gym teacher and you're doing this, like, I think it's a, it means something else, you know?

Like, it's not like the way that I do it is different than the way a gym teacher does it.

Yeah.

But you think a gym teacher is sort of like signaling, I'm part of this club and I'm letting you know, are you?

So it's like a gang sign for gym teachers.

I'm wondering.

Yeah.

Yes.

I think there's a gym teacher skull and bones.

Like every, I think every gym teacher at our high school was in the same club in in college.

Like they all went through it.

Yeah, like Freemasons or yeah.

But it's just for physical education.

Yeah, I think it's just wall.

It's called wall sits.

And

I'm pretty sure I've read about this stuff.

I don't want to get super into like weird conspiracy stuff, but it's like, I think that Nixon's gym teacher was in it.

And I've gone all the way back, I think even when they were doing like the, that's where the presidential fitness test comes from, is they used to test you to see if you could get into wall sets wow it started with nixon i mean most bad things started with nixon you know except that

i mean we know um

mark is always quick to point out that the epa was a nixon thing yeah he loves talking about that that's because

china what opened up china oh hey mark what's up cool

yeah he opened up i mean but those things like that had to happen eventually also pollution was so bad something had to be done it was so bad that even nixon did something about it.

He did it because

he's the one who did it.

Okay.

All right.

Can we pick this back up later, Mark?

Is it cool?

You brought it up.

No, we were talking.

We were doing a recording and you walked through the room.

I'm trying to play PS2.

All right.

Oh, hey,

Randy, I just want to.

How does it smell like shit in my kitchen?

Randy, I just wanted to let you know that Mark's here.

Carissa's making Buffalo Dorito Dorito Taquitos.

Did you want to eat buffalo taquito Doritos?

Yeah.

Where is the Dorito part of it?

Is it mixed in with the buffalo on the inside or is that the exterior?

Well, I don't want to interrupt the podcast or whatever because I know this is like super important, but

basically we take the buffalo

and the buffalo's been like sitting in my dad's garage for months at this point.

So it's all dry and stuff.

And then

you mix it with the taquito.

You mix it with the taquitos.

These are like pre-packaged taquitos that you could buy at like Trader Drews or something.

And you grind it up in a blender until it's like kind of like looks like almost like the consistency of like a cat throw-up or something.

And then you serve that over the Doritos.

Jesus.

So there's nothing Taquito.

There's no rolled up.

It is a Taquito.

No, it's a shredded Taquito.

The Taquitos are a part of it.

I don't know.

Haven't I've literally served my Buffalo Taquito Doritos at like every party we've ever been to.

Taquito means small taco.

God, you're so smart.

It's like even smaller.

Okay, that didn't really move forward what we were talking about, Mark.

I'm just saying it is a taquito technically.

Don't come at us that hard, dude.

All right.

Dick Cheney was Nixon's chief of staff.

Did you know that?

Huh?

I'm not a fan of Dick Cheney.

Oh, you're not?

No.

Why?

I'm Ron Paul all day.

Jesus Christ.

All right.

I voted for Ron Paul.

Yeah, no kidding.

Yeah, we've seen the the bumper sticker on your Jeep, man.

I don't vote, but if I voted, I think I would vote for whoever Mark votes for because Mark's just so smart about politics and stuff.

Yeah, right.

What is this?

You wrote in Chelsea Handler in the last presidential election.

She's so funny.

She would be so good.

I don't know how many times I have to say it.

She would be so funny and good as a president.

If she calls into this number

because her name got checked, Randy, not that many people listen to this.

Odd shit during a wall sit.

You're in.

I'm in.

I passed the presidential test.

Did she say that she was writing something on gym teachers?

Is that how the voicemail started?

Yeah, she was writing like an essay, I think.

An essay on gym teachers.

I'd love to read it.

Post it.

Post it.

Tag us in it.

Chelsea Handler.

No, Marissa, go back and make your cat puke taquito mix.

Let's take another call.

All right.

I'm not here, you guys, by the way.

I just want.

Yeah, since you're not here, you don't need to put your lips onto Randy's microphone right now.

I'm not even here.

I'm not even here.

I'm not here.

Okay, I'm not here.

All right, I'm going now.

There's so much chowder on the mic.

I got to brush this off.

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All right, okay, let's take another caller.

Hey, Randy.

So my neighbor next door still has his Christmas decorations out.

And like, you know, whatever.

Do your thing,

But it's St.

Patrick's Day, and there are two gigantic reindeer on his front yard.

And I'm like, really tempted to go put a little hat or like a shillale next to them.

I don't know if this is too passive-aggressive or if it would be caught off.

Like, I think it would be funny.

I don't know how he's going to respond.

Obviously, he still wants these deer in the yard.

What do I do here?

I thought I was going to say I hate bitches like this, but I did like the idea of the hat.

But I don't like when people mix and mingle with other people's business.

Gerald was just saying to me, he comes in stinking after Picklebossa, ew.

He said,

your nose is so sensitive.

That's a trait of autism.

What?

Don't mingle in my business.

Now I'm autistic because he stinks.

Yeah,

that's unhinged.

That's classic gaslighting right there.

That is

gaslight.

That's really crappy gaslighting.

Because that's not the first time I've heard that in an argument, he's like, well, you must be autistic because we're disagreeing.

It's his Hitler.

You know?

Do you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Once you say autism, well, now we can't have a conversation, you know?

Yeah, he shuts you down right away.

And so then now you're stuck, silenced, and also you can't smell because it stinks so bad in there.

I hate that free.

I'm talking about

Stu's foot stinking so hard that was left in the recliner.

And he has the audacity to say that somebody else stinks.

I'm sorry, y'all.

That got me good.

We've played pickleball with Gerald, though.

That's like, it feels like his whole body was stuck in a recliner, and then he went and sweated it out.

And pickleball is like, you get a good sweat, but you don't, you're not sweating that much.

But the way Gerald plays.

Well, he plays in a full sweatsuit.

He plays in his like little rocky sweatsuit.

He's got his black plastic bag over top of him.

Yeah.

What's his diet these days that he smells so bad?

Well, he's doing dub-dubs, Weight Watchers.

And he's trying to avoid points.

So it's a lot of shredded cheese over the sink.

Oh.

A lot of carrots, almonds.

Is there something with not using like plates and silverware that is less points?

That's what he says.

He says he gets activity points for that.

Gerald.

Can I say he doesn't look healthy?

He's lost weight, but he does not look healthy to me.

He's sallow and gray.

Yeah.

He's incredibly.

What's that like for you?

I mean, in the, not to be personal, but in the in the bedroom and just being attracted to your partner.

Okay, this is going to be a surprise, but

I've been doing it more than you would ever believe.

No way.

The stink, the gray, the sallowness.

I don't know what it is.

You know, this kind of tracks because whenever we watch Lord of the Rings, the guy that you find the most attractive is worm tongue yeah the the king with worm tongue you're like both these guys could do me

jesus dying king could get it yeah yeah

i know i'm sick i'm sick i'm sick i'm so so sick hey it's that you get if if you like it you like it you can't control what you like Thank you, Sue.

Yeah, no problem.

Yeah, it's Applejacks.

We eat what we like.

Remember that commercial campaign?

Applejacks 97.

We eat what we like.

And the the dad's always like, yeah, I know Amber knows this.

And the dad's always like, it doesn't even taste like apples.

And the teen girls are like, shut the fuck up, dad.

We eat what we like, you fucking asshole.

Get out of our fucking basement.

We're having a slumber party, you fucking prick.

That's like, you know, Applejack's 97.

I stopped watching Applejack's commercials around 98.

in the one where the the girl had to eat her breakfast fast because she said she had a pop quiz.

And I was like, How do you know you have a pop quiz?

Thank you.

And the whole that I'm done with the whole ad agency that made that campaign because that's a huge oversight.

That is so disappointing because both of those years they asked girls from our high school for the sort of like focus group to make those ads.

The person behind the 98 ad,

Lisa Dupuy.

No shit.

No.

Homecoming queen Lisa Dupuy.

Oh, man.

Wow.

That was her Dupuy family.

The whole Dupuy family was a disappointment.

You know, the kind of town that we live in, there can only be so many rich families.

And ours, the Du Puy family, was at the top.

It's tough because you know where they got the money from, you know,

and it's all breeding very ugly dogs, in my opinion, the hairless.

uh non-hypoallergenic or whatever dogs

and it's like yeah there's a community for that but that to me is war profiteering it's creating some of the worst looking animals on earth

for a lifetime of suffering and it's just you know i have no respect for the dupuis oh sorry to sorry to blunt i saw amber kind of cringing when you were saying that because i i remember when

um Every time Gerald sees one of those dogs, he accuses them of being autistic.

Which there haven't been enough studies about dogs and autism.

So I don't, I'm not trying to, you know, I'm not trying to flame any type of breed of dog.

Right.

Yeah, we should be sensitive about, you know, what we know about dogs with autism and keep that open that it's possible, but you couldn't tell on sight like Gerald.

And Gerald needs to look in the damn mirror.

Not that it's bad, but

it shows a lot of traits.

Last time I was over, I think it's cool you both have separate bathrooms, but last time I was over in his bathroom, man, he's got to clean that mirror.

It's got so much little white spittle from when he brushes his teeth so close to it.

Yeah, and he's flossing directly into it as well.

But in his defense, it's not a real bathroom.

It is just like a belt holding a mirror.

So in his defense,

he can only get close to it.

What was the room originally?

Yeah, there's a sink in it, but there's no toilet.

There's no shower.

So it's just his toothbrushing room.

Yeah, for his birthday, I went ahead and threw it in there.

That's cool, yeah.

You do, you do a lot of good stuff for him.

Thank you,

he knows it too.

That's why he never leaves.

I do think for this caller, I think that's funny as shit.

I think keep going on the reindeer.

And if you, I don't know that they're going to get that it's passive-aggressive.

I don't, I think that they might actually think it's fun and leave the reindeer out, so that would worry me.

So, you might want to start making problematic choices with the reindeer, put like a KKK hood on one

so that then they really have to make a choice here.

Do I want to keep this out for this type of stuff?

That's going to be tough if it's got a Shalali, it's got like some American flags for 4th of July, maybe some Halloween stuff, and then also a KKK hood.

They're going to be like, what are we saying here?

Because to be honest, I hate to say this.

Pretty good representation of America.

Sadly, very true.

There is a slight chance based on our our town that the people in that house will be like, oh, great.

Yeah, thank you.

I knew reindeer were on board with the cause.

Oh, no.

Jesus.

These spooky anti-Semites.

We could probably take another caller at this point.

I think we covered all the ground we need on this one.

Hey, Andy.

So I got a problem.

I got a roommate who has a mug that he really loved.

It's a special mug that's like a French press mug all in one.

It was his favorite mug, and he uses during cock every day.

And then he lost it, and he was really upset for a while,

and then eventually just gave up and got himself a new mug that's not quite the same, but it is a mug.

And then about a month later, I found the mug down in my room because I guess I part of it and forgot that I had it.

So now my question is,

should I pretend that I found the mug and like be all surprised and try to win some bonus points?

Should I

own up to it?

Well, no, I don't want want to do that or should i just throw this mug away and hope that never comes up again

what would you do

see you later i mean i i think that i would like put like some little defect on it you know or a sticker and i'd be like i found the same thing online and i bought it for you Because this guy's saying he doesn't want to own up to it.

Right.

So he can't just give it to him.

He can't say like what really happened.

It's well, because owning up to that is owning up to a lot of things leading up to that.

You took the mug, your room is such a mess that you would, you found it a month later, like you wouldn't come across, or you have a huge room, which is awesome, and the mug is just in a corner.

I think it's the former.

This guy sounds like a pig.

He sounds like it's a really sloppy pig.

I mean, or maybe he's got a huge room and he's a pig.

Yeah, that's possible.

Stealing mugs and whatever.

But like, where do you put a mug that you can't find it over the course of a month?

Yeah.

What's he doing with this mug?

Hoodie pocket sometimes.

mugs and hoodie pockets and then he just hangs up the hoodie and he doesn't use the hoodie for a long time yeah yeah he had well it was i i i like the pictures painting it was the last cold day of the season he had to put his hoodie on make himself a cup of coffee and then by the end of the day he was like oh it's it's i think it's spring and he hung it up and forgot yeah at the end of the day it got real nice and warm

got this i'm sorry but this is just reminding me um you know if you did something wrong you got gotta own up to it if you came in to get your lashes some you got a full set with the princess endings you got a full press at the bottom you did a full cleanup afterwards didn't didn't even try to pretend they were gonna pay or tip you know things like that

i was just listening hey sorry to bug you guys didn't i know i'm like i'm not here right now but um just uh

amber i couldn't help but hear what you're saying in here um

about the whole lash situation i just want you to know if you look at my eyes right now, I don't even have them on.

They fell off in the clam chowder.

So yeah, well, that's because you stuck them in the clam chowder.

I didn't stick them there.

I ate some of the clam chowder by putting my face in it.

Yeah.

And then they fell off because, and I think this speaks to Amber's work, they were poorly put on to begin with.

They were put on like a couple weeks ago, right?

And then you put yourself, you put yourself face down in a steaming hot bowl of chowder.

Like they're going to come off.

How do you take lashes off normally?

Yeah.

Randy, you know nothing about this.

You literally have no eyelashes.

So what are you even doing commenting?

That's a choice.

All right.

I clip them off once a week.

You don't know how eyelashes work.

This is shoddy workmanship.

I'm so glad that the Venmo, that there's issues with the Venmo because I did pay.

I pay everybody.

Everybody that I know.

Literally, nobody wants to hang out with me unless I pay.

Go get your iPad.

Pull up the Venmo.

I don't have my iPad here because we're at Mark Padabano's.

My iPad's at

I actually wanted to comment on this caller.

You heard the call?

Yeah, I did.

And it kind of reminded me of, um,

oh, my iPad.

Because basically, my iPad actually isn't my iPad.

It belongs to my friend, my friend Becky.

So you signed up your Venmo on another person's iPad?

Yeah, well, it's it's I think it's even Becky's Venmo, but that doesn't matter.

The I basically I took Becky's iPad without realizing I was taking Becky's iPad.

And she's like always coming up to me like, where's my iPad?

I don't understand where it went.

Like, you were the last person who came over that had it.

And I'm like, I can't, like,

I'm like, literally like, Becky, you need to chill.

You like, you were acting like a psycho, but obviously I have the iPad.

I can never give it back to her now.

Like, she knows I would have taken it.

So you.

All right, but when you started that, you said you don't know where the iPad is, but you clearly know you have the iPad and you still have it.

I know where it is.

I know where it is.

This is Becky, who recently lost her job.

Yeah, and she lost her dad.

Her dad died too.

Is that why she lost her job?

Was she working for her dad?

She was too sad at work, so they fired her.

Jesus.

Man, this in this economy.

They're right.

Whoa, awesome.

What's up, Mark?

All right.

Yeah.

We don't need to.

Let's have a little empathy for someone.

All right.

It's free.

All right.

It's cool.

I have a Samsung.

If you want.

Oh, really?

Way better.

A tablet?

Better than an iPad?

Yeah, way better.

Mark.

I got Venmo.

Mark is constantly ruining our group text with his damn green text messages.

The droid.

PC for life, droid for life.

You like the green text because it represents money because you're so greedy, right?

Dude, no.

I don't want to sell out to Tim Cook.

Dude, Samsung.

Samsung is also a huge company.

You're being loyal to a multinational conglomerate.

Like it's your mom and pop shop you get stuff at.

They support free apps, free speech

on that app store.

You just say that you're just excited about that because you get your little stick drawings of Naked Lady is app, which I don't even know what that's for.

You liked it when I showed it to you.

You want to see it?

No, I've seen it enough.

You got to look at this.

No, why?

So you've drawn different boobies on another stick character?

I have some new ones you got to see.

This is problematic.

I'm good, dude.

I'm good.

I just want to say I agree with Mark.

Free speech 100%.

It's my right to lie to Becky about the iPad forever and ever.

Just like it's this guy's right to like lie about the mug forever.

I say he hides it somewhere strategic, like under near the toilet or something.

And then when his roommate gets up, he's like, Whoa, what's this mug doing here?

And he's like, Oh, I must have forgotten the mug while I was shitting one day.

I literally didn't notice it.

Here's what I'll say:

Carissa, you lie like a sociopath.

You know, I believe you're lies.

No, based on

100%.

This is like

the true version of what Gerald does.

Like anytime Carissa opens her mouth, if you say, like, that's sociopathic, you're probably right.

Yeah.

anyway stu you were saying well i tried to keep saying it but charissa put her finger on my mouth so let me finish my sentence here

you're not allowed to shush me anymore we talked about this

all right settle down heal

do you guys want i'm pretty sure that the tiquita dorito cat throw up is ready oh nobody wants your meow mix let stewart finish talking call it cat throw up

that's what it looks like i know It's really good, but that's what it looks like.

You have no accurate descriptions of this treat.

Buffalo, Taquito, Dorito, cat throw-up.

What part don't you get?

I'm literally not lying right now.

I'm telling 100% of the truth.

I am.

Look, I am really thirsty.

Is it possible?

So we don't have to stop that you could get me a water or something.

Yeah, no, we have

doing like some homemade sodas.

We have a buffalo soda.

With what?

Do you have a soda stream?

No.

I've been fermenting.

Fermenting what?

In Mark Patavamo's bathroom.

Just fermenting different

sodas.

Basically, just water with meat,

letting it soak, straining it, waiting hours, infusing it with other herbs.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm trying not to puke.

I'm cooking for you guys today.

I'm not even here right now.

Literally, I'm not even here.

I'm just like, I'm happy you guys are, I'm serving you.

I'm just like a supportive girlfriend today.

I'm just going to put it, can I postmates just like some, I think I'm just going to postmates some like coffees and a couple of drinks from 7-Eleven.

Do you guys want anything?

Hardly was.

Natty Light.

All right.

Yeah.

We can get some natty lights, dude.

Yeah.

All right.

I drank a few of yours a couple days ago, so I feel like I owe you.

You do?

Are you buying?

No, you guys are using my space.

You said we could chill here.

You can chill here.

You weren't even supposed to be home.

I sent you the schedule.

I can come and go as I please.

It's my PS2.

Yeah, I'm not sitting on it.

You're close.

You've got a TV in every room in the house, including your bathrooms.

Yes.

Why don't you hook it up to one of those?

Why do you have to play while we're recording the podcast in your living room?

Because I have the sound system in here.

All right.

Actually, Stu, can you get me something?

Can you get me some like crab cakes or something?

I'm just like starving.

I haven't eaten anything.

I'll Venmo you.

Whatever.

I'll Venmo you.

You want crab cakes from 7-Eleven.

I watch you

house a clam chowder like a hungry.

I don't know what's up with me.

I'm in the mood for seafood.

Oh, look at the bread bowl.

It looks like current day Stonehenge.

There's soup dripping all out of the whole thing.

That's how clam chowder is meant to be eaten.

I'm sorry.

I'm like getting all worked up.

I'm going to leave you guys.

But like, Stu, I'll Venmo you.

Okay, great.

Yeah.

The crab cakes are pretty expensive from 7-Eleven with all the fees and stuff.

You only get like two, and it's like $18 for frozen crab cakes.

I advise you to take cash.

I don't think her Venmo is real.

Jesus.

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Okay, let's take another call or take the temperature down here.

Hey, Randy, my daughter just beat Minecraft, and I'm having an existential crisis.

The last part is, and the game was over, and the player woke up from a dream, and the player began a new dream, and the player dreamed again, dreamed better, and the player was the universe, and the player was love, or the player wake up.

And I'm not quite sure how to handle this a lot of my dreams have been in Minecraft for the past decade and I'm just wondering if you had any ideas about how I could deal with this um thank you uh this is Janice bye

I think she said Janice yeah Janice I mean I don't I didn't understand like 95% of that I think you should be proud of your daughter I didn't understand the dream stuff she dreams in minecraft is that what she was saying

and i i thought i don't know minecraft at all but i thought you were saying the way the game ends is you find out you're in a dream was i or was that my misunderstanding that's right sue i felt like i was listening to my own little edible k-hole the other night

Where I was like, well, if it is Batman Forever, then you wake up from Batman Forever, then you're still in Batman Forever.

And no matter what, you have to be Batman because you're saddled with with this trauma you had when you were a kid.

So every new movie, we could change the Batman actor.

He is still sad and alone.

Fuck.

Dang.

Pretty heavy stuff for a K-hole.

This is reminding me of the time that we did whippets at Marky P's house, and we kept saying, this is the best I've ever felt.

Do you remember?

And then in between each whippet, we were like, no, I'm on a new level of feeling good.

And we always wondered, like, what, how do we get back to that place?

And I think, like, this lady is saying, that at the end, you notice that where you're at is the best place.

Yeah.

I hope that's something she could teach her daughter, you know, because if you get that high, if you beat Minecraft and you get that high as a child, life is downhill from there.

You're telling me, I mean, I used to, my whole personality was that I could get 2.5 million on Tony Hawk Persicator 2 at the Venice Beach level.

And after that, it was like, now what?

You know, and I had dropped out of school for a little bit and just tried to find myself because that was kind of it for a few years.

I just spammed Benny Hanna's.

Huh?

You just spammed the Benny Hanna special move.

Yeah, well, that's what you do because you figured out a hack.

I do it by shifting my move so I'm always getting the highest point score.

Yeah.

Do you see what he's calling you out on, Mark?

He's saying that you don't.

You're exploiting the system.

It's more fun to do it with skill than to find they built it into the system to exploit

no this haphazard

you're like it's a cheap way to rack up points is what he's saying no you do the benny hana in in venice in the corner and it glitches it glitches you get like three million this is why you got kicked out of the q a for tony hawk's documentary okay

we can't get into this argument again

But Stu, I know what you're talking about.

Like the first time, the first time I beat Tyson in Tyson's punch out in the first round, I was like,

It's over.

This is it.

What else can I do?

Like, I'm not going for the world record, you know, because I'm not like a speed freak.

But still, I was like, I don't think I've reached that high since.

No, that's the there's a photo of you that's the happiest I've ever seen.

You a huge smile on your face.

You're holding your arms up.

Grinning ear to ear.

Yeah.

Took three weeks for my dentist to unlock my jaw.

I had to sleep with a towel taped to my face because flies kept just flying into my open mouth.

And I had a squirt bottle.

I would just lift the sheet up and I'd squirt my mouth to try to rehydrate it.

I'm literally about to throw up.

Sorry, I just had to pop in.

That's so fucking disgusting what you were saying.

Flies?

Yeah, flies.

Popping into your mouth in the middle of the night.

Okay, you open your mouth for three weeks and see if flies don't go in there.

I'm sure worse things than that were going in there.

You know, spiders, silverfish.

Silverfish?

The worst things that have ever entered my head are your lies.

Oh my god, you're sick.

I literally have never lied in my entire life.

That's a lie right there.

Literally never.

That's something that I would never be proud of.

That's inhuman.

That's robotic.

That's just me.

It's like my cute thing.

Just the Lord blessed me this way.

All right, let's take another caller.

This is

apologize for not knowing enough about Minecraft.

Hey, Randy, it's Jordan

here.

Sorry about that.

And

I've kind of already moved on, but still kind of crazy about her.

But I don't really trust anything that she's saying.

And I really like the other women that I've been with.

So I don't really know how to feel or how to move on.

I can really just

use some advice.

Also, I'd like to stay anonymous.

What?

He used his full name.

I guess we got to bleep that out at the beginning.

He did.

I mean, yeah, that's a lot of details, actually.

We should probably bleep that out at the beginning.

I don't want to give you too much work to do, but I always thought instead of bleeping out names, you should just make up a name and say it over his name.

That is genius.

Yeah, I'll be like, I'll be like, oh, yeah, this is Dr.

Touch It.

So this guy's Dr.

Touch It.

Okay.

So

this, so he's, he's like, I'm over her and I don't want her to come, but I'm still like crazy about her.

So you're not over her.

He's not over her.

Yeah, I can tell you're mad at him.

And you know what it is

to, you know, therapize you right here.

It's you're projecting.

He's going through your life and you're mad at him because you're mad at yourself.

Oh, no.

Welcome to the Randyverse.

In another universe, I'm Dr.

Touch It.

Okay.

Yeah, I guess so.

It sounds like the nectar is so good, and he wants another taste.

But he's been loving the ladies he's been with.

That might be the difference between him and you, is you really were striking out.

That's right.

Think about like if you've had a cat puke tostada taquito, taquito,

small taco.

Yeah, we know, Mark.

Buffalo taquito Doritas.

I don't know how many times I have to say it.

Right.

The point is, is when you only eat that and then you go hang out with some other foods that taste much, much better and you don't get a stomach possible.

I can understand sometimes you feel the craving, but you got to move on and get your veggies in there.

Yeah, that's true.

I guess veggies aren't as exciting as this little taquito cat puke thing.

Yeah, do you guys smell it?

I'm bringing it in right now.

God dang it.

Yum, yum, yum.

Oh, God.

Dig in.

It actually, based on the ingredients, it shouldn't smell like actual cat puke.

It just smells like regular

bar food.

Guys, enjoy.

Carissa, Carissa, are your nails wet?

It's a strong chemical smell with the cat puke smell.

Yeah, so I had my fake nails, so I had to remove them with acetone.

So I've been soaking my fingers in acetone literally all day on and off.

Between preparing the food?

Yeah.

Yeah, could you take your hands out of the ground-up taquitos?

Like, you're like mashing them around like they need to be mixed up like a salad.

This is how my family has done it throughout the ages.

Smash, mash, mash, and then we all go face down.

That's how, that's how it works, baby.

Don't act like you don't know, Randy.

You literally, this is the first thing I ever cooked for you.

I'm just saying, it might have something to do with why three-quarters of your family has huge goiters.

Don't talk about my family's goiters.

Why are you bringing it up here?

This is so embarrassing.

It's not.

Nobody, literally, no one in town knows that they have the goiters.

Bullshit.

They post pictures of themselves on Facebook all the time.

This is really embarrassing for me, and I'm going to ask you one more time to just shut the fuck up about it.

I've never seen a lip-to-lip argument like that in front of them.

Breathing each other's air.

Just

keep your fucking mouth shut.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

Goiters.

Yeah, okay, fine.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

They post pictures.

Shut up.

They're not ashamed of it.

I don't know why you are.

God, they're doing this whole thing literally.

Literally, like, if you say one more word, I'm going to fucking kill you.

Like, this whole little podcast is fucking done.

I'm just saying, like, they,

like, for everyone's birthday, they're always like, consider a donation to the American Goiter Society.

Shut.

I'm just saying.

This probably has something to do with why they have all have goiters.

Shut up and eat the buffalo taquito.

Torqueto

cat puke.

All right, guys.

Well, I'm pretty hungry.

I'm just going to take a little bit here.

No.

Oh, see, it's good.

Spicy.

All right.

I'm going to be in the other room.

I'm going to kind of go through just some

of Mark and Randy's stuff.

Make sure.

No, it's you all right?

Well, I'll take a drink of water.

It's good, isn't it?

Okay.

I think I just watched like a visual metaphor.

In spite of everything he knew about the food she,

he ate it and it made him sick immediately.

That's true love.

That's true love.

I actually overheard the caller and I just want to say to this man, you want her.

You want her.

You think that you've moved on, but you haven't.

You want to be with her forever.

You want to be tortured.

You love it.

I say, it sounds like this guy's got a rotation that popped up in her absence.

Add her to the rotation.

Make her see how it feels.

She was probably making him feel pretty cheap.

Wow.

Whoa.

Yeah.

A little, what's good for the goose.

All right.

I'm heading out for a little bit.

Good.

Don't say good, Stew.

Hey, hi.

I'm not here.

I'm not here.

Ow, you're going to have to walk over my feet.

Ow.

Amber, what do you think of that guy?

What about that situation?

Honestly, no, you know how I feel.

Mostly because I forgot what the question was, y'all.

You have been,

I noticed on your phone for a lot of this.

Is everything going all right there?

I've been texting.

sometimes when i'm around carissa i am reminded that i don't want to be like that in my relationship

does gerald bother me of course do i feel frustrated in his presence all the time yes but what am i doing to add or make the correct choice to leave

I gotta tell you something, Amber, that it's hard to say to a friend, you know, because we're so cool around each other.

You're a damn catch.

Stupid.

Any man in this town would be lucky to have you.

And you'd be lucky to have any man in this town that is your age and doesn't accuse you of being autistic when you make normal

sensory observations.

I

heart agree.

I just, you guys know the perimenopause makes me act wild sometimes.

And I just feel like most of the guys in this town just want a hot young thing that they can get pregnant.

And that's not going to happen over here.

That's okay, though.

You know, if Gerald were to get someone pregnant, he'd probably die finding out.

I'm just, we're just saying

that you should, I think you should expect someone, even in Gerald's position, every once a day to be like, dang, you're a catch.

You know, you don't think that's too much to ask for?

I don't think so.

And that speaks to your standards that you even asked that question.

Because I feel like I have been taught that you're supposed to be able to do it for yourself.

You know, and to ask someone else is desperate or looking for external validation.

Well, I think you are looking for,

you don't have the love for yourself.

You think the only person you deserve is a rotting old man who brushes his teeth inches away from a mirror hanging from a belt in a converted water heater room.

Oh, he's got that water pick going.

He doesn't have walls, but he does have a pick.

I tell you what, do you have a wired internet connection and

access through the game Fortnite?

Oh, yeah.

All right, let's hop on.

My Zoom account was paused, so I'm doing my couples therapy over Fortnite right now.

So we'll hop on and let me do a little session with you.

Pro bono, we just got to,

we have to be on the battle bus the whole time.

Wow.

You know, you are a feminist.

You are a king.

You are a feminist king.

I would love to take you up on that.

hell yeah i love your t-shirt that says the future is feminist kings too

it kind of undermines the cause but i think it's cool disagree

all right we got to the bottom of that let's take another caller

hey randy i recently got a new tattoo that's gotten infected i think it looks pretty cool but my boyfriend keeps telling me to go see a doctor about it should i break up with him Thanks, Ross.

Dang.

I mean, maybe break up with them, but probably also go see a doctor.

I think, like, an infected tattoo, unless you got like

just a straight line and the infection has made like a cool design.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

How could that?

That's one way an infection could make the tattoo cooler because that's what I'm trying to figure out: is how does it make it cooler?

Yeah, this guy's 3D.

3D.

So like an optical illusion, like a magic eye.

It brings that tattoo alive.

But you know me, I always say, if we're going to break up with people for infected wounds, then I guess you're just going to be breaking up every day.

Yeah, you started saying that a little more recently.

I feel like that wasn't always what you used to say.

Yeah, within the last month, that's kind of been my thing.

This is back into that sick king worm tongue territory where you think everyone has an infected wound.

They don't.

Gerald probably does.

No one, everyone has one.

No.

Everyone has one.

Ask around.

What do you think?

Like, what's the thing?

The cleanest, healthiest person,

but they also have an infected wound.

Is there a part of the body that you think is an infected wound?

Like, do you think the butt is an infected wound or something?

That's one.

You tell me, Dr.

Touch it.

Yeah,

I guess any orifice is an infected wound, if you really think about it.

Yeah,

it explains the smell.

Wait, so then, okay, so if everyone has an infected wound and his boyfriend has a problem with his, then yeah, he should break up with him because it's like good luck on the open market with where everyone has an infected wound.

Yeah, I mean, if that's the reality

we're believing,

whatever's saying, I don't have the research in front of me, but if we all have an infected wound, yeah, that's the thing: you're just gonna find the problem in somebody else.

Speaking of infected wounds, here is a beautiful

drink I made: hot, hot broth.

Oh, this is the opposite of a soda.

That's right.

Hot carbonated broth.

What the hell?

Enjoy.

I remember when we went to that tiki bar and Carissa had a zombie and she was like, whoa, what a good name for a drink.

I'll make my infected wound.

And now we're finally seeing it.

Yum, yum, yum.

No.

Drink up.

That says Nash.

Let me know when the postmates get here, by the way.

Okay, yeah.

Did you get my Venmo?

I sent it.

Oh, did you?

Yeah.

But um,

I'm not seeing it here.

That's so weird.

Who'd you send it to?

Just to stew.

You just typed in stew?

That's do that's not my handle.

That's stew with the little um chick emoji, like the Easter emoji.

No,

no, no, that's weird.

You thought that was part of my handle?

Was the Easter emoji?

Yeah, because you're always kind of popping out,

popping out.

Let me

You think Sue's like Easter?

I'm never popping out.

I always first I say, hey, I'm coming into the room and then I'll slowly come in because I've been punched so many times walking fast into rooms.

I don't know.

I guess whenever I see you, it feels like you're really popping at me.

I didn't expect to see you.

You know, like that kind of thing.

You're sort of there all of a sudden.

I'm not just sort of there.

I'm Randy's boy, and you come in when we're hanging out a lot, I think.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah.

Anyway, oh, go ahead, Randy.

Oh, well, Stuart announces his presence because a lot of times, like, you pretend to be scared when he walks in the room, and you take that as an opportunity to slug him in the face.

No, but it's not okay.

I'm just trying to protect myself.

Sorry, Stu.

But you walk across the room when you do that.

Like, you're, you'd be, he walks into the opposite doorway, and then you're sitting down, and you go, ah, and then you walk across the room and you hit him.

Yeah, I know.

You're not in danger.

You shouldn't do that.

Oh, my God.

That's so dramatic.

Literally,

I'm literally just like being a good person when I do that.

I'm like protecting my family, which is me and you.

Not even like the smell of this carbonated hot soda.

I don't even remember what the caller said.

Okay, well, should we take another one?

I decide if we take another one.

You know what, Mark?

Can you just click that?

Then they'll play the next one.

Yeah.

It was about infected tattoo, by the way.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Rennie.

My name is Ryan, and I work in tech.

But ultimately, I just design things, and I'm like surrounded by a bunch of brilliant engineers who are like way smarter than me.

They have fancy degrees, and sometimes just kind of being in that environment, it makes me feel a bit insecure.

So, I was kind of wondering how you managed to constantly be around people who are smarter than you, and how you deal with it.

Dang,

excuse me, while I sew my throat back together after getting it slashed,

geez.

Such a good question, such a good question.

Sounds like Carissa doing a voice is what that voicemail sounded like.

I mean,

everyone deals with insecurity.

Am I right?

I've literally never felt insecure in my entire life, but yeah, I can see that for you guys.

Especially you, Amber.

Okay.

Uh-oh.

Wow.

I was being raw this episode because I knew my boys would have my back, but I did not ask for this sort of attack.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't even know I was doing that.

Still.

Carissa, I've seen you be insecure.

I've seen you walk slowly out of the classroom.

I remember very specifically, biology class.

We were watching outbreak and you shit your pants.

Oh, my God.

And you were wearing a boot cut.

And so you were pinching the bottoms.

You were pinching the bottoms and you were walking out like a crab.

Because that morning we said, why would you wear a boot cut with Tivas?

And you said, it's the look.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

That wasn't me.

That was somebody else.

You were waddling out like a crab, just like Amber said.

All right.

Randy.

Poop was sliding out of it.

And I distinctly remember you saying, I'm so insecure right now.

Randy, like, please shut the ball.

It happened.

We don't know what happened.

Please don't.

You're lucky we didn't have cell phones back then.

Oh, my God.

You're fucking

literally like.

Snimminet.

You shit your boot cut chick.

I also remember

Mr.

Schneo Dagger,

as Carissa was walking out, he said his catchphrase, that's biology.

And that's what prompted Carissa to say, I'm so insecure right now.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, my phone is ringing in the other room.

I got to go take a call.

It's probably a business call.

You're holding your phone.

Nope.

Nope.

That's my other phone.

I'm going to go.

All right.

I got to go out of here.

Let's listen.

She usually acts these calls out pretty poorly.

Let's see.

Oh, yeah.

Hello.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, God.

That sounds very bad.

That's a business call.

What?

Well, we should probably make sure that we sell them.

We're going to have to sell it all.

And I'll be there as soon as I possibly can.

What?

What a day in the office.

Okay.

All right.

Bye-bye now.

What does she think?

We think her job is.

Oh, God.

That was so stressful.

That was such a bad call.

that was from your office job.

Yep.

I remember I got hired at an office.

And you have to go there and sell it all?

It's a finances thing.

Yeah, we got to sell all of the

stuff, all the papers.

Well, I hope you make at least $18 plus tip.

Oh, and also $96 plus tip as well.

Yeah, very, I got, I got, I sent you the minimal.

All right.

Okay, I'm going to go.

I've been insecure before.

I'll say to this caller and to you, Randy, because you were looking for a little support on insecurity.

I'm probably at one of the most insecure points in my life right now.

Right now?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

You don't look at it.

And not at all.

Well, I've put in an offer on three houses, and they said it couldn't even get pre-approved for a loan.

So I'm realizing that like my lifestyle, I thought you could just put in an offer and just scrape the money together.

Yeah, how much were you ready to put down?

Whatever the bank would give me, 40K, 50K, whatever.

But they said it doesn't work that way.

You have to show us your taxes and stuff like that.

But I take all my payments and V-Bucks, Epic Games, Fortnite V-Bucks right now.

You can't do that, Stu.

But this is just a learning opportunity.

You didn't know this stuff.

Like, you'll learn from it.

You'll move on.

You're still a confident guy.

I look at you sitting there in a tuxedo shirt with a fedora that's not quite big enough to fit around the edges of your head.

And I think this

guy rules.

When you find a fedora this cool and they don't have the right size, you just, it doesn't matter.

It'll still look look cool to you you make it work

you rock it i love that you put two little slits on the side so you can pull it down a little harder it looks good

not only to pull it down harder but part of that is it's really hard for me to remember what the front of the fedora is so the slits kind of help me go oh these are the sides there you go you put the stew in investigator well i hey thanks for gassing me up but it's like you know this town you know it's hard to date if you don't have any like living prospects if you have roommates and stuff like that so it's just been tough for me god that's crazy to hear a legend like Stu

sit over here and say he's got insecurities.

Well, you need to gas yourself up, Amber.

You know, if you didn't have Gerald calling you autistic every time you said you smelled something,

you'd be one of the most confident people that I know.

Absolutely.

I mean, we used to run this town for seven years after prom, we were always at prom.

You would be showing up in that same tuxedo shirt year after year.

And everyone thought it it was funny uh you know you could sell a good amount of you know whatever airplane sized alcohol you had for me it was usually goldschlager and and you know that you're the king of the school for so long and now you go back and it's like you're not even allowed on campus anymore they check your id to see if you're a student right they say you can't bring that bacardi vanilla in here yeah and it's i'm like oh because last year prom you could yeah They're like, no, it wasn't that you could.

It's just that no one noticed.

Remember senior year a prom when all we could score was Bacardi Pepper?

God,

that was awful.

Well, because it was like the Bacardi that they thought people were going to pair with their Italian dinners.

A tomato-based streak?

Yeah.

Remember those commercials?

The commercials were always like, Dad, what's for dinner?

And it's like, what do you think?

A big deep dish pizza and chicken parm.

And it's like, oh, that's so awesome.

Thanks for cooking that on my 21st birthday.

Hey, I got another surprise for you on Italian vodka.

That's a family just like doing shots one after another and passing out while the mob hits soundtrack plays.

I think one of the better commercials of our childhood.

Really good.

Pretty good.

But it made for a terrible prom.

We didn't have anything to pair it with.

No, that was the issue, yeah, is we didn't have a proper pairing for the palette of the Macarti Pepper.

We tried to mix it with the one bottle of Bex.

The one bottle of Bex I had to slap up on the sidewalk so I could breast it open.

That's right, that's what you breasted beers open.

Y'all,

man, who would have known I would have messed up so many of the muscles in my breast?

Who would have guessed?

I got to stop doing that, guys.

You still doing it?

I'm showing off.

I love the hot dog.

I love the hot dog at a party.

Like, oh, no, we can't open this, Amber.

The shock to me is it messed up muscles in your breast because I didn't realize you were using muscle to get it open.

I got to use my pectoral muscles to get it.

Catch it.

Catch it and flip it.

Oh, God.

What was I thinking?

I mean, we were loving it at the time.

I'll tell you that much.

I just remember Snutsoid's wall of absolute bottles.

He had absolute pepper.

Yeah.

Absolute limon.

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely fabulous, I think, was up there.

Oh, yeah.

That was a promotional one.

Promotional giveaway.

That's the only one that still has the alcohol inside because I can't tell what the flavor is.

So I don't want to.

I hope yeah, you don't want to be shocked.

You won't eat a mystery jelly bean.

You want to know what you're tasting when you put it in.

Yeah, because it might be boogers.

You know, when Harry Potter eats the boogers or Ron.

It's probably Ron.

Ron's ass over here eating slugs and whatnot.

Yeah, Ron's the Ron's the Schlomazel.

Right?

Or is he the Schlomiel?

Schlamisel.

He's the Schlomisel.

Schlamisel.

Yeah, okay.

Schlamisel and Schlamazel is the.

I know what it is, Carissa.

I just misspoke.

All right, that's it.

I'm going back.

One time when we had sex, she called out Ron Weasley's name.

Full name?

Yeah.

Like I was Ron Weasley.

She was like picturing Ron.

Yeah.

Instead of you.

I was a low point for me.

Did you talk about it afterwards?

I was like, please don't ever call me any of the Weasley children while we're having sex.

The whole family, not even the one that Donald Gleason ends up playing.

I said, what about Ginny?

Because Ginny's hot.

And he said, okay, baby Ginny, and then we tried it.

Well, but you would only call me Ron Weasley and Mr.

Weasley.

Right.

And then I was calling you the

what was that one teacher who looked like a rat who became a rat?

Peter Petticrew?

Yeah, him.

Dang, Amber, go off.

Gerald wants me to read his book, so I'm on five.

You mean his fan ficion accompanying books?

Right, I've never even read Harry Potter.

I'm just reading his bullshit.

And he didn't change Peter Pettigrew's name, although he changed everyone else's name.

I'm like, you don't have to in fan fiction.

You can keep it the same.

But he changed it.

Horry Pinter.

Horry Pinter?

Harry Minier.

These are different character names.

Horry Pinter, Harry Mind 9, and Grandier.

Who's Grandier?

Is Grandier instead of Grainger?

Grandier's instead of Grainger.

Harry Mind

Nine.

Grandier.

The point of fan fiction is not picking up new names.

But then King Penny

Pettigrew, the same.

Yeah,

it's the same exact story.

He's only changed the names of the characters in some specifics.

He's like, I only worked on this for like a week and I'm done.

Like, yeah, because it's the exact same fucking story.

He loves to show off his typing skills.

Yeah, I love all those Mavis Beacon certificates he's got framed and put up on his office wall.

Right.

And those, like, where you're supposed to put, like, basketball cards.

He's got his stupid ass.

I didn't think they'd give you a certificate for 480 words per minute.

That's not none of the words

are spelled correctly.

It's just smashing both hands on the keys as fast as you possibly can.

Oh, yeah, he's playing whack-a-mole with them.

All right, let's take another caller.

Oh, Lord.

Hey, Randy.

My name is Evan.

I'm from Michigan.

And ever since I could remember,

I've always wanted to run my own business.

Um, I dream about it, I think about it while I'm awake, and those are really the two main headspaces I think about it.

But, anyways, the scandal comes in when I start talking to my neighbor across the street, and he starts saying that I don't have the charisma to start my own business or to run my own business, even though I think of it while I sleep and I'm awake.

So, I was just curious, what kind of business should I start?

Thanks, Randy.

I mean,

fuck your neighbor, man.

If you're thinking about it while you're awake and you're dreaming, the two ways that you can think about something,

then you're doing something right.

Also, like, you're not charismatic.

Oh, well, you think,

you think Bill Gates is charismatic?

No.

You know, like, most of the, like, the biggest names in business ownership are like...

gigantic nerds with negative charisma.

You could do this, dude.

Yeah.

You think Elizabeth Holmes got there because she was had a dazzling personality, you know?

No, she had a low voice and a messy bun.

But I love Elizabeth Holmes.

Oh, God.

The ultimate kryptonite.

Me too.

Low voice, messy bun.

Yeah, of course you do.

She's a con artist, Mark.

Bark?

Mark.

You call me Bark?

No, I call it.

Randy, how dare you call him Bark?

I didn't call him Bark.

I said she's a con artist, Mark.

You heard that, right?

I heard it.

I heard it.

You heard it.

Dude, I don't know know why it matters.

I think he wasn't missing.

Why it matters he called me Bark?

Well, it might have been an accident.

What's your own here if you find out he called you Bark?

Because my name's Mark.

Yeah, we know.

I got it.

I got your back, Mark.

What?

I didn't forget that your name's Mark.

I called you Mark.

It just sounded like Bark to you.

But that's fucked up.

Like, why would you say it?

Like, why would you, you, why would you make me think you call me Bark?

You're trying to pick a fight.

Mark,

focus on leisure suit, Larry.

Mark's really fired up right now

yeah zip your pants up and go back to the game

love for sale

amber you're a business owner

i feel like i'm on drugs

i don't know what's in that damn taquitos

Oh, you guys finished them.

Oh my gosh.

Wow, they're all gone.

Yeah, we finished them.

Hey, don't tell her.

I put it in the trash next to the sofa.

What?

I actually ate one.

You ate one?

I ate a bunch.

What do you mean by one?

You mean a scoop?

Yeah.

Wow, you guys really went face down on these.

Boy, oh, boy.

I'm going to have to make you another batch.

No, we're good.

We're good.

Don't worry.

I'll get the blender going.

No.

You just ate some after we made it pretty clear that it was dog in there.

Yeah.

Amber.

Mark, why'd you?

I'm hungry.

Oh, my dad just called.

He

actually got another buffalo.

So we're going to get it fresh.

Oh, boy.

Check the next door app.

Someone just lost a big dog.

Whoa, it's a big one.

Yeah, I am hearing some reports of gunshots outside of the apartment building.

Which I don't know why a buffalo would be roaming around the exterior of

Misty Meadows, which I don't think is, I think that's a Fortnite place is what I'm thinking of.

Oh, the Fortnite names things after real-life places.

Oh, that might be why.

No, like Fortnite itself is, that means two weeks.

Wow.

A fortnight, right?

So four score.

No, that's four score.

Fortnite is, but it's a unit of measurement.

A fortnight.

See you in a fortnight.

Remember?

Well, I say that to all my clients.

I'll see you in a fortnight.

Yeah.

That's from like Beowulf or something.

It's always like, all right, Beowulf, see you in a Fortnite.

No, Grendel.

Okay, Grendel, see you in a Fortnite.

This ain't over.

Yeah, Beowulf's constantly kind of shit talking Grendel.

Or at least in our little play that we did of Beowulf to get an A-plus and extra credit.

And the whole project was just, so tomorrow.

And then we kept showing up.

Pretty cool.

But what I

back to this caller.

I think this guy sounded charismatic.

You got charisma.

I think you can do it.

I don't know what your business idea is, right?

That's a big, that's a big deal.

But I mean, now people are just

you know selling NFTs and stuff like that.

Your business could just be an ugly picture of an animal, and you can make some money off of that.

Yeah, just a big dog.

Look at this picture of a big dog before Carissa's dad got to it.

There's an NFT for you.

It's just all animals

not knowing

what their fate is.

all right this dude we we got you dude you're charismatic enough go for it keep dreaming hey randy my name's sean i thought i'd call and say hi and ask for some advice so this is going to sound outlandish but my dad recently and i have text proof from my brother here i'll just read the text talked to dad yesterday he bartered a silver half dollar for a skunk's scent glands on craigslist the other day to hypothetically ward off roving bands of miscreants after the societal collapse.

Yes.

I can send text proof if you need it.

It is not fake.

All right.

Bye-bye.

Thanks, Randy.

I mean,

I didn't catch the part where he wanted advice.

I think he just read the text.

You want sympathy for like your dad.

I don't know, believing in accelerationism and thinking society is going to collapse.

Like, this is tough stuff.

Yeah.

Well, one thing I'm learning from these calls is, and I see this a lot in therapy, is we think that like the basic facts of our life don't need more context, but I need a million more pieces of context.

Yeah, like, where does the dad live?

Yeah.

I'll bartering, I mean, you used currency, right?

Silver half dollar.

So I think you just paid for skunks glands.

Yeah, it feels like your dad was maybe just playing Morrow Wind or something like that.

All right, Stu, not everyone's playing Morrow Wind.

I know, that's why I had to switch over to Fortnite.

Like, this guy thinks that a skunk's gland.

Well, so his,

I mean, if he's like covered at the outside of his house with like skunk scent, then his house probably smells bad, too.

He probably smells like skunk, right?

Oh, absolutely.

I mean, the skunk glands you don't want to mess with.

I think I know that pretty heavily from experience with the senior prank,

where we tried to skunk the whole school, and I ended up skunking my backpack as my mom was driving me, and it stanked so bad that she accidentally flipped the

Explorer because it was the

Explorer recalls, and it ended up...

Your mom was so upset because she had waited for the Eddie Bauer interior.

And when you guys flipped it, it ripped it.

Yep.

She was in that neck halo for like six months.

She was, yeah.

And she couldn't wash because of it, so she smelled like skunk for like six months.

I know.

And

she couldn't wash.

She couldn't work because she's a tennis line judge.

You'd think she would be able to.

They just put her at one spot where she's looking directly at the line and she can't move.

You'd think it would have made her better at her job.

They tried it.

She kept getting hit by the ball.

She never knew it was coming.

A fine woman like that?

Yeah, thank you.

So fine.

But but it improved her posture i mean in the long run it probably added a couple years of hotness to her life that's true and remember carissa kept saying she was wearing it for attention

that was a rough time yeah carissa thought some people's grandpas died for for their like grandkids attention i remember that being a thing at a lot of the funerals

oh you're sad yeah i know it's because your grandpa died for attention so that you could be sad right now so we could come over and tell you it's all right yeah we're sorry for you are you guys talking about me?

I thought I heard my name.

Yeah, we are.

Oh, okay.

I was just going to say I heard the call.

Can you either hang out in the room or don't?

But you're saying clearly around your ear, there is like an outline of a cup that you're putting to the wall to hear a conversation.

Yeah, well, that's how you hear in other people's rooms.

You use a paper cup.

It works every time.

All right.

Yeah.

But like also the door is open.

Yeah, I was hiding behind the couch for a little while too.

Stu's right.

Just sit here.

All right.

I have advice.

I think with like a dad like this, like this, first of all, this story, I think this guy wants attention.

I think it's all completely made up.

And I think he's sort of calling in because he wants us to somehow care about him.

And it's like, babe, like just go get a weird haircut.

Go get a fucked up tattoo.

You'll get attention that way and it'll be easier.

He's not.

Where is steal your friend's iPad?

That is you'll get so much attention about it.

He's talking about his dad's behavior.

This is not for his attention.

Like, he can't control his dad.

Oh, my God.

You're so ignorant.

That's really.

So naive and ignorant.

It's really triggering.

First, like one caller basically says, Hey, you're a dumb guy.

How do dumb guys like us deal with smart people?

And now you're calling me ignorant.

Like, I don't need this.

No way.

Stand up for yourself, man.

Hey, thanks, Mark.

Yeah, man.

What the fuck, Mark?

I thought you were on my side, Mark.

I mean, this is between you two, but you've been, you've just been going into my closet over and over again, like rifling through my shit.

Well, yeah.

Now I see, see Randy here.

He just seems beaten down.

I was going through your shit for Randy.

I was going to see if he, there's any hammy downs.

I don't need you to do that.

What?

This is completely normal to do when you go to a friend's house.

I was literally just looking at me like, would this t-shirt look good on Randy?

Yeah, but it's I have a pile.

I have a pile.

It's Mark's stuff.

They're totally different body types and honestly, totally different taste.

You know, like

mostly jerseys.

Yeah, I got some really cool, like, sick jerseys.

I don't like Randy's style.

Randy Styles is very

bleh to me, but Mark has like a very cool, like rich style.

Well, so what?

I'm going to wear one of Mark's t-shirts that say Mayor Peak can suck my ass.

Try it on, dude.

No, I'm not going to do it.

You're a double XL.

You're a double XL.

I'm a medium that has a dress.

I got you some good stuff.

I also got you some deodorant

and some face washes.

You got a lot of good stuff in there, actually.

If I was hooking up with you, I know we used to hook up for a little bit there.

We did, yeah.

But like, if I was hooking up with you still, I would rate your bathroom like 10 out of 10.

Like so many good products.

Oh, this just reminded me of that goddamn rating site you started in high school where girls would rate the guys they went on dates with.

Oh, yeah.

And they would give little advice and you had a point system for it literally everybody got a two that i did two out of ten just pieces of dog shit in this town

it really ruined a lot of reputations yeah well that was important and then i think the women in the community like i know you're a feminist too so you can agree with this the women in the community really were so grateful because then they know like there's a lot of duds out there like amber you fucked a lot of duds you get it

It's like, actually, you should have used the rating site more.

I should have, but I felt like the rating system was unfair.

Well, Randy got a high score.

You got one and a half.

That's not high.

Two, everyone was getting twos.

I only got a one and a half.

Most people were getting 1.2.

The highest was two, and that was Mark Pettavano.

I just thought it was.

I just thought it was unnecessarily cruel.

Stu got 0.5.

Yeah, that was weighted.

That was weighted.

There's no way that was spammed.

You know, it's not fair because the only people that are rating it are people that want to assassinate your character.

And at the time, it was not like a weird thing to me to be super into Tool.

And I would take women home and I would put on my Tool records and

I would play Stink Fist.

Set the table.

For a lovely night.

Oh, you want to have sex tonight?

Sorry, we're going to be making love after three hours of listening to Tool.

Well, because they're so smart.

Did you know that?

Tool?

Yeah, when you listen to them, do you think that they're smart or do you just hear noise?

This is a trick question.

I hear noise.

Yep.

Man, I feel better about myself now.

I listen to Tool and I'm like, no, they're smart.

These guys are smart.

I got a lot to say.

All right, whatever.

That's what you said on our high school date.

All right, let's take another caller.

Hey, Randy.

As a single guy, I've been getting ghosted a lot lately, and I was wondering if you have any tips on dealing with that or maybe preventing it.

Thanks, long time listener, first time caller.

Yeah, pretty easy.

You just preempt the whole thing by being like, hey, I'm a ghost.

So if you ghost me, I'll find you.

Now let's connect for real.

So you're hoping they know that you're joking there, or is it not a joke?

I hope that they don't know if I'm joking or not.

And they're like, I better not ghost this guy.

If he's a ghost, he'll find me.

But then I lighten the mood a little bit.

I mean, I don't do this right now because Kristen and I are together.

Yeah, we're very much together.

Yeah.

But you better not disappear on me because I'm a ghost.

Oh,

literally didn't work.

Honestly, it didn't work at all.

I could walk out the door any minute.

Okay.

Well, I'll find you because I'm a ghost.

Okay, well, I feel like with ghosting, like, that's actually one of the ways in which people show you that they care the most about you.

Like, all my friends, I literally have ghosted all my friends

because I care about them.

You're exhausting.

You can't even call them friends.

That's just.

Well, as somebody who loves to love them and leave them, I do think sometimes it is the most

compassionate choice.

If someone was breaking up with you, or if you're breaking up with someone, do you want to hear why they're breaking up, or is it just that it's not working out?

I've never been broken up with.

Oh, so I don't know about the same thing.

Don't, nope, same.

We're the exact same, Amber.

Nope.

Literally, the exact same type of people.

Nope.

That's not true.

I've broken up with you so many times.

No, you haven't.

I've lost count.

I've broken up with you, and I've been like, okay, Randy,

we're done.

Yeah.

And I've said, we're done right now, honestly.

We're done.

And I've usually in those situations, I say,

yeah, we're done.

Cause I said we were done before you said that we're done.

Randy, we're done right now.

Literally, I'm being honest.

We're done.

Oh, no.

You're annoying me.

No.

You're being annoying.

So we're done.

Everyone's annoying.

I literally cooked.

I cooked such a beautiful meal for you guys.

Nobody said a thing.

I'm waiting for you guys to Venmo me for it, by the way.

It was really expensive to make.

I haven't gotten one Venmo yet.

We didn't ask you to do that.

You you made hot solid puke and then you made like hot wet puke for us and i tried really hard i worked my ass off in there that doesn't mean anything that you made was quality and literally my crab cakes are still not here so i don't know what the hell is going on but you guys just venmo me it's gonna be 59 each mark you don't have to pay though because Obviously, we took a lot of your stuff and like we're in your house and everything.

That's cool.

You can have some deodorant if you want.

What?

Yeah, I already took some of the deodorant.

Why was that pointed at me?

He uses dove, which is really good.

It's like women's deodorant usually, but for men, it's actually much better.

We're done, Randy.

I'm done.

I'm sorry.

I'm leaving you.

Okay.

Geez.

Bye.

Bye.

She hit her head pretty hard.

She smacked her.

She smacked her bean pretty good.

That was crazy.

I think she had chatter at her eyes.

She couldn't see the way out.

She's down.

Is she okay?

Are you all right?

No, let's just leave her.

Just leave her there.

She's breathing.

That's concussion protocol for sure.

Let's let her chill.

Let's take one more voicemail while she's just kind of semi-conscious.

Hi, Randy and Crew.

My name is Carrie.

I'm from Michigan.

My wife and I are raising a little boy.

He's 18 months old.

And now I know you're not a father yet that we know of, I guess, but I know one day you're going going to make a great one.

My question is, what are the most important things I can teach him so that he can grow up to be a respectful, thoughtful, kind man, avoiding all sorts of deviousness and duplicitousness?

A mini snuff, if you will.

Thank you.

And I love you, of course.

Well, this lady thinks I might have kids out there.

That's news to me.

I liked her.

Yeah, she seems cool.

Yeah.

Sounds like your boy is going to be great because, you know, you speak so

articulately and

her voice sounded so kind.

Like the boy's in good, he's in good hands.

Yeah, that's a good heart right there.

I'll tell that boy what I tell all women is what I would tell kids when I'm on a date with them.

Wait, wait, back that up.

What do you say?

You got to tell that boy what I tell women what I'm going to tell my kids when I have them.

Okay, now I got it.

I got it.

Respect women.

That's what you got to tell a little boy.

You got to raise him from a young age.

My book is filled with feminist literature for one-year-olds.

Are you finished your book?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes, dude.

Yeah, yeah.

I finally got through it, and it's great.

And, you know, a lot of people are saying the language is a little forward for one-year-olds and stuff like that.

But

it's like I always say, it's like Sendak.

You know, you treat them like adults.

You don't talk down to kids and

they'll enjoy it.

Um, and how's the art coming for that?

I know you were gonna maybe do some of that.

Oh, uh,

yeah, I've been really banging my head against the wall for it.

Um,

I let I let Mark take a crack at it, and it was a lot of came back with a lot of stick figures with tits on it, so I kind of had to start from scratch again, right?

I mean, that could almost be an example of like the bad boy, like this is what you don't want to be like.

This boy doesn't respect women.

Oh, I like that.

Obviously, instead of a boy, he'd be a chameleon because all the every character is a chameleon in the books, but right, which is smart.

That's a great visual metaphor.

Yeah, you can actually choose to become whatever you want, but don't let yourself be too influenced by your surroundings.

Totally, totally.

Sometimes you're surrounded by bad stuff.

That's right.

And I want to go ahead and apologize on behalf of Gerald that he did do the typing for the book and it is just Harry Potter.

I guess.

Oh, I haven't opened it up since they printed it.

I have to.

Oh, man.

You really insisted on letting him do it.

I know.

Grandier is in it.

Damn it.

Grand Grandier.

Yeah, Fumblesnore finds all the hard crutches at the end of the book.

Okay.

Fumblesnore, Grand Dier, and Peter Pettigrew.

I saw that.

I saw his little note cards with all the names and potential other names.

And under Peter Pettigir is just a huge question mark.

He couldn't think of a single other possibility.

My thing is, does he think that Peter Pettigrew is a name he came up with?

And if so, what does he think the actual Peter Pettigrew's name is?

Pumper Snagger Dude or something like that?

He's like Pumper Snag.

Poncho Pistorius.

Poncho Pistorius.

Poncho Pistorius.

Sounds like a combination of Ponchus Pilot and Oscar Pistorius, the Blade Runner.

Sorry to bring it down.

That's all right.

I mean, two men who did very bad things.

Yeah, no kidding.

They did a bad, bad thing.

You guys got to get the band back together.

We do.

We do.

Imagine if, yeah, never mind.

Lay down a beat for me.

I'll give you two to four bars.

All right.

A cover song or an original?

A mix of the two, probably.

Let's see.

Well, I've been surfing through the country on my big old board trying to find someone who is cool.

Staying at my cousin's house, he knows what it's like to be just a regular guy.

Dude, there's a guitar right next to you.

Oh, yeah, let me pick that up.

Here you go.

Hey, hey, ladies,

don't come by me.

I just ate Carissa's disgusting taquito meal.

Gonna have to ask you to get out of the doorway because the bathroom is behind you, and I'm feeling bad.

Oh yeah.

We gotta get the bandage in.

We gotta get the band.

I got so much adrenaline.

It was pretty good.

Yeah.

Pretty good.

All right.

I guess we'll call it there.

We're on top of that.

We're going out on a high night.

A huge thank you to everyone who left me messages for the recording of this podcast.

We got through as many as we could.

And I have to thank my brilliant guests, one of my nearest and dearest friends, the hilarious Mary Soan.

You can watch Mary in AP Bio streaming on Peacock and Work in Progress on Showtime.

And you can find her on social media with a handle at MerrillSwan.

And my brilliant new friend, Dan Lippert, who you can find on social media at Dan LippertCool.

You can check him out on the movie Paranormal Activity on Paramount Plus, on the Man Dog pod, and at biggrandewebsite.com.

And of course, the charming, lovable, ever-funny Lily Sullivan, who's so easily found online at Lily Yilly.

That's L-I-L-Y-Y-I-L-Y.

And then you can find Tim Baltz on social media by searching his fucking name.

Big thank you to CBB World, Scott Ackerman, and Brett Morris for making this podcast happen.

Thanks for listening, and I hope your lives remain free from scandal, duplicity, and all sorts of deviousness.

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