Bonus Bang: Tim Baltz, Shaun Diston, Lily Sullivan (Nutz 4 Snutz)

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Hey, everybody, this is Scott Ackerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and welcome back to another bonus bang.

As you know, these are previously recorded episodes of Comedy Bang Bang that we are re-releasing on Thursdays.

And this is another part of our nuts for snuts series featuring Randy Snuts, of course, played by Tim Baltz.

And this one is episode 691

entitled Hashtag No Stank.

This originally aired on January 31st, 2021, and it features the aforementioned Tim Baltz as Randy Snuts.

We also have Sean Distin as Mike Ruby and Lily Sullivan as Diana Deep.

In this episode, we learn that Randy and the duplicitous Carissa are on a break.

And also, Randy has a new job making trick-click ads.

It's a lot of fun.

If you enjoy this and want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber at cbbworld.com, where you can find every single episode we've ever recorded, as well as every live episode.

And we're going to have a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang out on Monday.

Until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

comedy, bang, bang, comedy, bang, bang, comedy, bang, bang, comedy, bang, mine,

comedy bang, bang, comedy, bang, mine, comedy, bang, mine, comedy, bang, mine, comedy, bang, bang,

that's one small step for man.

That's another small step for man.

This man takes small steps.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Grundel Stiltskin.

Grundel Stiltskin for that incredible catchphrase submission.

And speaking of incredible, welcome to an incredible episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

That's right.

We are now tip deep in Febby Debbie, first Monday of FebbiW.

And 2021, I tell you, I was thinking about this.

The 2010s were awesome for me.

2020s have been total shit at this point.

But we hope that you're having a good time, at least on this Monday in Febbbe Debbie.

And my name is Scott Auckerman, and we have an incredible show coming up.

A little later, we have a plumber

and we also have a world-renowned therapist will be on the show.

So,

I mean, I don't know if there's any crossover there, whether the therapist can...

you know, help the plumber with whatever his or her issues are,

but we'll find that out.

But before we get to those guests, I do want to bring on, he's been on the show before, and to be quite frank, I do not remember how to describe him.

He's a person.

He certainly is a person.

He's humanoid.

He is made up of molecules and

skin, blood,

bile,

semen, the rest.

Boy, the rest of the body gets a professor at Mary Ann status there.

The rest.

DNA certainly is

residing within his body, but he is our old friend.

And I don't even know if he has a job, so I won't even presume to say what his occupation is.

But our old friend Randy Snuts is here.

Hello, Randy.

How's it going, Scott?

Thanks for putting all that respect on my name.

Of course.

I would do nothing less when it comes to our old friend Randy Snuts.

Randy,

remind our viewers, why I'm talking to you.

Who are you again?

So I'm just like a laid-back, chill dude who likes to mix it up with my pals.

I've been on the show like five times before.

So

I know.

I remember talking to you, but I don't, I guess I, you know, this is a, this is an interview show.

This is, of course, humanities podcast,

formerly known as the show where we talk to interesting people.

And you are sort of interesting, but I'm wondering why a new listener would be interested in, I mean, most of our guests have something unique about them, unique New York.

Yep.

And, you know, you can say, like, last week we had a bus accident victim.

You know, it's like, oh, not everyone in the world has survived a bus accident.

But what is it about you?

Why did I first talk to you in the first place?

So the first time that you talked to me

was because I worked at your favorite restaurant, Dodomio's.

And

I used to fill the urinals with ice.

Right.

And the reason.

Was that your one job?

That was my one job at Dodomio's.

But I got fired for filling it it with ice while people were peeing

it seems seems to be a hard job to up in that way but um

but you did it yep i'd be like excuse me

and then i'd pour the ice into the

we know yeah we know exactly how into their pee stream and the fun thing about peeing on ice is you get to watch it melt and it gives you a sense of accomplishment were you trying to do that so it would melt quicker so you would have more to do so there would be more reason to keep you on the payroll yeah exactly we worked on commission You'd get paid for however much ice you got melted by people's pee.

How would they quantify that?

I don't know how they would measure it.

But so

I used to see you over at Adomeo's.

Yep.

And did we strike up a conversation there and I said, come on the show?

Is that what happened?

Yeah, probably.

I mean, I struck up conversation with you a ton of times and you ignored me like John Hamm ignores people at, I don't know, whatever booth he's sitting in at Little Dom's.

That's giving away some secrets there.

What's up, Hammer?

Don't hurt him.

And he'd be like, get the fuck away from my table.

Oh, please, Hammer, don't hurt him.

Boy, have a hard hammer.

Look at your hard hammer.

Please don't hurt him.

He has kids.

So you were on the show, and I found your lifestyle to be very intriguing.

Essentially, as you described it, you hang out and chill with your buddies, right?

That's true.

And I tried to avoid needless drama and scandal through the exploits of my girlfriend who's a known provocateur, Carissa.

That's right.

Carissa,

so you're still with Carissa.

Is that true or is that false or something in between?

Currently, Carissa and I are on a break because she kept breaking quarantine.

No, what was she doing?

I mean, she was just trying to live her best life while everyone else was staying at home and trying to keep people safe.

But, you know, what else could you expect from a duplicitous, devious person like Carissa?

That's right.

For our new listeners, how long have you been with Carissa?

Right now, it's probably going on like seven or eight years.

Okay, and what was it, two years ago?

Probably, well, let's see, seven or eight minus two, five or six years.

Okay, I just, I don't know why you said right now.

As if, like, am I asking at some point in the past or the future?

No, I'm asking right now.

You know, when like one person in a relationship has like a hard start time for the relationship, but the other person is like, I didn't think I was serious for the first four months.

Sure.

Okay.

So you, you, what was, what was your first date, though, or your first encounter?

Our first encounter was hanging out in the backyard of my friend Mark Patavano's house.

Okay.

Was he having a party or were, did you guys just hop the fence?

Or how did this backyard

meetup take place?

He made flyers for what's known as a bags tournament.

And we,

do you know the game bags?

I don't know the game bags.

Is it similar to

what am I thinking of?

Donkey Kong?

No.

What am I thinking of?

The cornhole.

Yeah, yeah.

It's cornhole for people that live outside of Ohio.

Oh, okay.

So it's okay.

Got it.

So you were having a bags tournament.

Yeah, we were having a bags tournament and doing

beer bongs off of...

Do they call those rips beer bong rips?

Yeah, beer bong rips.

So we were doing beer bong rips.

He he lives in a one-floor house.

So the beer bong started on the roof and then people would pour multiple beers and we'd be doing rips.

And then if you survived the rips, we were doing whippets.

And that's when Carissa walked in the back.

And I had kind of a Dreamweaver moment.

And then I passed out.

Oh, okay.

So

did you pass out from seeing her or the Whippets or what exactly happened?

Most likely the Whippets because she's probably like a seven and a half.

Okay.

And a seven and a half in what city?

Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Oh, okay.

So a one out here, maybe.

Ouch.

God damn.

Coastal elite laying it down.

So, but a seven and a half out there.

Wow.

Amazing.

And then when you woke up and you opened your eyes, was she there or was it a different day and your boys were there?

It was a different day and my boys were there.

And they were like, you made quite an impression because she loves tragic cases.

And I was like, uh-oh, this could spell doom for Randy.

And it did.

D-O-O-M.

D-O-O-M.

Yeah.

So,

and then when did you actually get together with Carissa?

Probably like a week later.

Okay.

Yeah, a week later.

So that's not going to affect the seven or

eight year thing, just a week.

Yeah, but I mean, a week later, we hooked up.

But then like four months later, she's like,

why are you acting this way?

We've been dating for four months.

And I was like, Dafook.

So you didn't know that you were exclusive at this point.

No, not at all.

I mean, I wasn't seeing anyone else because my prospects were dim.

So,

it was not that hard for you to say, okay, well, let's keep it skloozy

from this moment on.

That's right.

So Carissa got the skloozy, and then we've been like seeing each other ever since, but it's been filled with drama.

She's annigans.

List off some of the drama.

We've talked about a little bit of it on previous episodes, but remind us,

what exactly, I mean, Carissa is scandalous, as you say.

Yeah, absolutely.

Scandalous, duplicitous, devious as hell.

Right.

And what are the things that she's done?

She poured tequila on on my Xbox One and set it on fire.

That's a combustible alcohol, Tequila.

She does a really good impression of me.

And she called my mom and said I was in the hospital with lupus.

What does her impression sound like?

Can you do an impression of her doing an impression of you?

Yeah, so it sounds like this.

So this was what she, she called my mom and she was like, hey, mom, it's me, Randy.

I'm in the hospital with lupus again.

Okay, that's pretty good.

I mean, it sounds like you were pinching your nose to do that does she have some sort of uh uh is her are her nasal cavities sort of filled up or why why the pinched nose oh the opposite she blew out her septum doing cocaine

so it's just free and clear in there easy breezy yep easy breezy but it kind of collapsed in on itself it's a okay it's a real george w bush situation is that what took her down from a 10 to a seven and a half yeah probably her collapsed septum okay so what took her down from a one and a quarter to a one out here i'm just doing i'm doing the math

God damn, these left coast elitists.

Shitting all over the heartland.

So

I'm just saying it's a different scale.

That's all.

So

you've been with her for quite a number of years and she's done all these things to you.

And has she flirted with your boys?

I can't recall if there's.

Yeah.

It's non-stop flirtation with my boys.

You know, it's always like she, because she tries to keep me jealous.

She thinks that I'm my my best self when I'm just like filled with rage and jealousy, and I'm trying to win her back.

Do you agree with that assessment?

I mean, it drives me freaking crazy, and then I go like buy her gifts and stuff.

So, yeah.

Okay, so yeah, all right.

And it turns me into a voracious lover.

Oh, okay, great.

Well, I don't, I don't know that we need too many details about that.

Well, let me give you a couple.

Usually, I'm just trying to get the job done, but when I'm filled with jealous rage, I'm hitting all the bases.

Wait, so first base, a kiss second base some tongue third base hands groping consensually

and then home base the hitting the dinger i i maybe that's uh uh the sheboygan home run but uh out here i think third first base is the kiss second base is the hands oh uh the third base is something else uh what is it

well it's everything but if you know what i mean

Give me the deets.

I need this stuff.

I got to go back to the heartland and use this information.

I'm just saying that.

So you're kissing her first

when she's wronged you, and then you're adding the tongue.

You're going through all the steps.

You're running around the bases.

Yeah, absolutely.

Out of respect.

You're high-fiving the first base coach, the third base coach.

Uh-huh.

Yep.

I'm doing the safe sign to the ref at second base when I slip the tongue in.

And what is that in the metaphor exactly?

Well, it's kind of like a power move where you're kissing someone and then you add the tongue and then you take your hands away from the person that you're kissing and they're like, dang, no hands.

Okay, so that's the safe sign to the ref.

Got it.

And then

once you cross home plate, are all your boys coming out and you're high-fiving them?

No, it takes me probably like five minutes after I've ejaculated to calm down.

Is that what you mean?

To calm down.

Oh, really?

What did you mean?

So you're hyped up.

You're, you're, what are you pacing around the room?

What's going on?

No, all my brain cells have evacuated my body and I need five minutes to remember who the hell my name, my,

you're a blank slate.

Oh, absolutely.

I'm a clean slate.

You're a tabula rasa.

Yep.

Wow.

So so we've established then what you and Carissa

have been up to.

So now you guys are on a break.

And how did that come about?

It came about because she kept breaking quarantine.

And then we'd come back and I'd be like, so where were you over the last eight hours?

And she'd be like, I was here.

I was here.

I was here.

I was doing shots with my girls.

I was at another like, you know, bachelorette party.

I was visiting some of my relatives who are ne'er-do-wells.

So you don't like her relatives?

Yeah.

And hopefully a lot of them end up in jail because they stormed the Capitol for sure.

Oh, really?

So she's okay.

Her relatives are of that persuasion.

Absolutely.

They tried to stop the steal and I was not having it.

You wanted the steal.

Huh?

No.

What?

Don't turn this around on me.

You're okay with the steal.

No, I'm not okay with the steal.

I respect the Constitution.

I wanted a peaceful transfer of power.

Okay.

And that's what you got, isn't it?

At the end of the day?

At the end of one day.

At the end of January the 6th, no.

But at the end of a different day, January the 20th, yes, we did.

Yep, absolutely.

We shan't shan't get into those details.

So how did she take the news?

I mean, were you guys quarantining together?

She took it lying down because I said it while she was asleep and then I ran out with all my stuff.

Oh, okay.

Did you leave her a note?

Did she know where you went?

I texted her later.

Yeah.

Okay, then, yeah, that's the end of that story.

I mean, I could go into detail about what the text was, but it was pretty brief.

The thing is, you don't want to awaken a sleeping beast.

And in this metaphor, Carissa is the beast.

Sure.

And the sleep is sleep.

She was sleeping, yeah.

And not wanting to wake her is not wanting to wake her.

So everything but the beast.

Yeah.

He's a one-to-one.

Yeah.

So I got it.

Yeah.

I packed a duffel bag full of my stuff and then a second duffel bag full of like some things for my quarantine hobbies and some like puzzles and games and things.

So now where are you living?

At my friend Mark Patavano's house.

Oh, the backyard where you first met.

I mean, that's got to be bittersweet.

Yeah, he's a good friend.

Yeah, what's he up to during the quarantine?

He mostly shit posts online.

He's kind of a libertarian.

Okay, but a great friend.

Yeah, a great friend.

Blood is thicker than water.

Sure.

And he's okay with you, even though technically you didn't quarantine for two weeks before coming into his residence.

He's okay with you staying over there?

No, I stayed in my car outside his place for two weeks, and then I came inside.

How was that?

It wasn't great because it was kind of cold outside.

And, you know, anytime I had to shower before going to work, he would kind of hose me down in his backyard.

From a distance?

Yeah.

Yeah.

At least six feet.

Wow.

Okay.

So hose you down naked or are you

in clothes while he does this that have to dry then or what?

Yeah, I was in either black or brown boxers because I'm like, I'm not one of those guys who's like, hey, guy, hey, gang, let's go shower together after the big game.

Sure.

Wait, what?

Well, you know how after the big game, a lot of guys are like, let's pile into the shower, you know?

What big game are we talking?

Like watching someone

watching a big game like the Super Bowl and then you shower with your friends or are you playing a game?

Is this a West Coast Alitas thing?

Like, hey, what a great Super Bowl.

Let's get in the shower, everybody.

I don't know.

That's what I'm wondering about you.

No, I meant like a sports game.

Like, you know, like in high school, like, let's hit the shower.

And is this a metaphor like what we were talking about before?

No, this is real.

I just imagine when I was growing up, I just never wanted to get in the shower with guys.

What is hard about this?

Okay, so you never showered with guys from in PE classes, physical education, of course, throughout your junior high and high school experience?

Yes, correct.

And why is that?

Are you ashamed of your body?

Or do you just think it's weird, like I do, that we're forcing junior high and high school students to be naked together?

Column A and column B.

I'm Catholic.

That's strange, isn't it?

Yeah.

I mean, if you're Catholic, why wouldn't you have shame about your body?

So you are Catholic.

Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, how strict are you?

How religious are you on a scale of, you know,

zero being an atheist, 10 being the Pope?

Okay, well, by West Coast elite standards, I'm probably 10, the Pope.

By Heartland standards, I'm probably like a three and a half.

Oh, okay.

Wow, it goes the other way.

Amazing.

So your good friend Mark, he's hosing you down, but now you're in there with him.

And Carissa, she tried to contact you.

Yeah, absolutely.

She comes by and she knocks on the door and she tries to go around back.

And like, she scaled the fence once and we had to hose her down until she left.

It's a mess because, like, you know, as much as I complain about Carissa, she's got it bad for me.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So it's almost like the shoe is on the other foot.

You know, if you only own one shoe, that's a terrible problem to have.

So you got to keep switching feet.

But,

you know, you're usually chasing her

and buying her presents whenever she is mad and undergoes the scandalous behavior.

And suddenly you're the one that's scandalous in a way.

I mean, to her, yeah.

The tables have finally turned on Carissa.

And now she knows what it feels like to like be at the mercy of someone who's duplicitous and

not putting up with her crap anymore.

That's right.

I mean, you were duplicitous in the way of you just snuck out the backjack without, you know, ever alerting her to the fact that you were leaving.

I mean, that's kind of cowardly, I have to say.

What?

If you had met Carissa, you would never say that escaping her clutches is cowardly.

You'd say it's heroic and brave.

I want her to come on the show at some point.

Yeah, okay.

We'll see about that.

Okay, who knows if you guys are even getting back together.

Yeah, if we get back together, maybe she'll come on the show and then it'll be exhibit A for how duplicitous she can be.

Right.

Do you ever, I mean, what are the chances you get back together with her?

I I mean, at this point, you know, I mean, at this point, it's a health and safety concern for you.

Yeah, exactly.

I would say I would get back together with Carissa if,

number one, she's very nice to me.

Number two, I get horny enough.

And number three, at least 80% of her family that stormed the Capitol goes to prison.

Okay, so one and two, I think, are going to happen.

Yeah.

Not sure about, not sure about three.

Amen to what you just said, brother.

I bet 20% of her family goes to jail, and one and two definitely happened.

I think two is happening right now, quite honestly.

Yeah, no kidding.

I'm not going to pan the camera down, but

you know it.

Well,

I wish you luck with Carissa.

I mean,

a romance like that that spanned, what, five episodes you've been on?

I mean.

Our audiences want to know that you crazy kids will get it back together.

We will, but in the meantime, I've been doing a lot of things.

I've been like brushing up on a lot of hobbies.

I just got into cooking banana bread.

Oh, how's that going?

Pretty great.

Number one pandemic hobby.

Am I right?

That's right.

Yeah.

And so, but you've tasted the bread that you've made?

Oh, yeah.

You got to taste everything that you make, Scott.

Okay.

I think that's...

That's third base, isn't it?

I think number two is happening right now.

I'm not sure.

Your voice got very sultry when you said that.

I'm just saying, you look at a bunch of nasty bananas.

It's time to make that bread.

Okay, I guess so.

I don't know that I don't know.

If you know what I mean.

I don't know what you mean.

I don't know that I want to know what you mean.

We'll just leave it there.

So

didn't you at one point get arrested at a liquor store?

No, I got banned.

I got banned from working at the convenience store of a gas station because I stole products and

got caught by yelling yoink.

That's right.

Every time you would steal something, you would say yoink.

You yelled it, though.

Before you told us that you would just said it under your breath and you said it slightly too loud one time to where the owner heard you, but you were yelling.

Well, yeah.

I mean, the older you get, the bolder you get.

So when I started stealing, I was younger and I was whispering.

And then the older I got, the more I'd be like, yoink.

So in that case, you were okay with the steal.

Yeah, yeah.

But then the owner of the gas station, he's the one who stopped that steal.

Okay, right.

I see what you're doing here.

You're trying to confuse the narratives and

rehabilitate some of these unsavory characters um so do you have a job i mean you haven't been working right i mean uh if if you've been that tight on quarantine yeah no i've been working from home um doing what though well initially i was helping mark padavano with his website

oh what's his website

what kind of website does he have

he he has a he has a website that that makes online ads for uh sports websites that redirects people to draftkings.com Okay, so if I'm getting this right, you're on a different sports website, like say Barstool Sports or something like that.

You click on an ad that then takes you to draftkings.com.

Yeah, exactly.

But it's not an ad for draftkings.com.

No, it could be an ad for like, are you concerned about your elderly parents?

And you'd be like, oh, I'll click on this.

And it's like, draftkings.com.

There goes my afternoon.

Okay, so you're making the ads.

So how do how do you're essentially tricking people into clicking on things?

It's a trick click.

I wouldn't say it's a trick click.

I'd say it's targeted marketing research that hits at people's deepest fears.

Okay, so what are the types of things?

All right.

Well, definitely worrying about your elderly parents.

Sure.

Then sometimes we'll use the Chase Bank logo and we'll be like, uh-oh, something's happening with your account.

And people will be like, huh?

And they'll click on that and they'll be like, oh, oh my God, I need to bet on this.

I need to bet on this December Minnesota Timberwolves versus Sacramento Kings game ASAP.

What about the one about the

cops hate this one trick to get you out of a DUI?

Do you make those?

Yeah, that was one of Mark Patavano's first ones,

along with a picture of a fat guy and then the picture of that guy skinny.

And he'd say, this guy lost 145 pounds and here's why trainers hate him.

so mark patavano is like a pioneer in this field oh yeah he's a devious guy he has no scruples or morals so he's devious as well i mean he and carissa would be perfect for each other yeah but he's he's loyal to me to a fault because we're childhood friends and we've never let sexuality get in the way

okay so he's never

gotten sloppy seconds off something you've been with or vice versa Well, not with me.

I mean, he's hooked up with Carissa a ton of times.

Every time we're on a break.

Yeah, every time we're on a break, he hooks up with her.

Wait, so he, I mean, to me, that violates the bro code.

Oh, man, you're right.

I mean, he's not loyal to you.

In fact, I wonder if he isn't with her when you're not on a break.

And then suddenly when you're on a break veil is lifted, you know, he's able to keep it out in the open.

Oh, no.

Scott, don't do this to me right now.

I'm going to start spiraling on this podcast.

You haven't thought about any of these issues?

No, I'm just happy to have a friend during quarantine.

Wow.

Well,

how much is Mark paying you to do this kind of work?

I get like, I get $15 an hour.

Oh, okay.

How many hours does it take?

I mean, sometimes it takes 12, 13 hours a day.

Wow.

I mean, this is not a bad gig.

I'm making really good money right now.

Every time I feel insecure, I'm like, hey, that would make a pretty good ad to get someone to click trick.

I mean,

maybe he's paying you just to keep you occupied.

Maybe it's worth the $150 to him, you know?

I mean, you know, it's better than paying for it the other way.

Dang.

This is devastating, Scott.

I mean, I don't want to bring this kind of stuff up to you, but how many times has Mark Petovano has he been with Carissa?

Like in the past?

Or the future.

I don't know why you keep asking this.

Yes.

Are we talking about the present?

Is he with her right now?

Yes, in the fucking past.

Dang.

I knew I'd get shit on on this podcast.

I'm sorry.

I do every time.

I'm sorry.

It's just my nature to

push back on people.

Maybe I was hurt myself.

I apologize.

I shouldn't push out at you.

You're naughty by nature.

And you're naughty by nurture.

You were raised that way.

Yeah.

That's right.

I'm Catholic.

We're all naughty by nurture.

So how many times in the past then?

I mean, I break up with Carissa at least three times a year and Mark's been with her every every single time.

Wow.

Seven or eight times.

Seven or eight years times three is

21 to 24 times.

Yeah.

And I mean, that's a...

And he doesn't have a girlfriend or a wife, Mark.

Uh-oh, he's famously celibate.

Celibate.

Other than when he's with her.

Yeah, absolutely.

Yes.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay, yeah.

I don't know.

This is very fishy.

Was he surprised to see you when you

came by the house and slept in your car outside his house for two weeks?

Yeah, he was his words exactly were, Randy, Dafuk, what are you doing here?

That's an exact quote.

You can quote me on that.

Okay.

Well, Randy, I

look.

I love talking to you.

I'm glad you came by.

I'm sorry that you seemed down.

I didn't mean to, you know, exacerbate that.

No, it's all right.

I mean, this kind of played out the same way that all my other appearances on this have played out.

A healthy amount of disrespect.

And then by the end, we're good buddies.

That's true.

That's why you keep coming back.

Absolutely.

Once a year, baby, put it in the books.

That's all right.

Let's schedule 2022 while we're at it.

It's like going to the dentist.

Hey, do you want to schedule your cleaning for a year from now?

Well,

we do have to take a break at this point.

We still have much more show, though.

We do have a therapist.

And God, Randy, out of anyone I know, you could use a therapist.

Amen to that.

And she is world renowned.

So that is exciting.

We also have a plumber coming up on the show.

And out of anyone I know, Randy, you could use a plumber.

No kidding.

The depths.

Am I right?

That's right.

All right.

We are going to come right back.

We'll be right back with more Randy Snuts, more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy bang bang, we're back.

Randy Snuts is here.

Formerly known as

the Yoinker?

Is that safe to say?

The little yoinker.

What's up?

What's good?

I'm here to yoink.

And currently staying over at Mike Patavano.

Where does he live?

Mark Patavano?

Yeah, Mark Patavano.

He lives about three blocks away from Carissa and I's old place.

Oh, okay, great.

Good to know.

And

coming up a little later, we have a world-renowned therapist.

That's very exciting.

But before we get to her, let's get to our next guest.

He is, I already

said he's a plumber, but apparently he is commonly known as the no stank plumber.

Please welcome Mike Ruby.

Hello, Scott.

It's me, Mike Ruby, the no stank plumber, Scott.

How are you?

I am very good.

It's very good to have you on the show.

I'm so glad to be here to be advertising on your show.

I don't know that you're advertising as much as you're on the show.

I'm going to talk to you if we're going to show you.

A Mike Ruby appearance is an advertisement.

Do you understand me, Scott?

Do we need to hashtag this as ad then right now?

Yeah, yeah, we should probably do a quick ad read.

All right, all right.

Here we go.

Here we go.

Well, I was about to have a dinner party only to discover my bathroom was covered in shit.

So I called this plumber named Randy, and boy, did he give me the run around.

He was talking about estimates, and he couldn't guarantee his price.

But then I called Mike Ruby.

Hi, it's me, Mike Ruby, the no stank plumber, and I guarantee I will fix any bathroom situation with zero stank.

We're not going to give you the runaround on whether it's going to stank or not.

It's not.

And it's the Mike Ruby guarantee.

Hashtag no stank.

Hashtag ad, of course, as well.

Wow.

Incredible.

And

you like how I kind of Michael Winslowed that.

I do all the voices.

I do the sound effects.

Yeah, I don't know that you were fooling anyone with it.

Well, I could tell it was you, but just putting on a little bit of falsetto.

I don't know what you're talking about.

That was sort of like a fully-fledged character.

I was sort of...

No, no, no, no, usually, like, I've seen Michael Winslow in person, and, you know, when he does the helicopter, you'll be looking at the sky going, is there a helicopter right above you?

So you weren't looking around going, is there a woman who's having a dinner party who needs a plumber?

You weren't thinking that?

Not really.

No, I was thinking, oh, Mike's doing a funny voice, but that's okay.

I mean,

I just think comparing yourself to Michael Winslow, that's a high bar that I don't think necessarily you cleared.

Well, you know, you didn't hear my flush sound, so I don't know why you would, you know, go ahead and judge you didn't hear my flush sound.

I mean, I was pretty fooled.

I thought there were multiple people in the room, and I ran to the bathroom to see if the toilet was stanky.

Jude got up and spritz, like his hat spun around in a circle as he ran to the bathroom.

You may have missed it then, Randy.

Mike Ruby over here was talking about a plumber named Randy that this client called.

Yeah, but that's not you.

Because Randy's sort of a silly name.

You know, you think about Randy, you're like, this guy probably smells.

Yeah, no kidding.

And so you agree with him, Randy.

I mean, I'm not disagreeing.

Yeah.

It's short for Randall.

That's not a name to be trusted.

Yeah.

Well, it could be short for Brandy, couldn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Brandy, a fine girl.

Sure.

What a good wife she would be.

My wife, my lover, my lady, and the toilet stank.

You guys do it a song.

We know the song.

We probably know more

than that to the song, but

we're not going to get into it.

Let's get into the weeds.

So, Mike, you

promise in your commercial that it's not going to be stank.

What is not going to be stank?

What do you mean?

Because

this woman in the commercial,

and I'm being generous when I say that.

You mean me?

Randy, you took off again.

Don't worry, Randy.

Don't worry.

It's me.

It's me.

It's me.

Oh, okay.

It sounded like a sexy lady was in my bathroom.

So

this woman, she,

what a strange experience for her to walk into her bathroom and it's covered in shit and she had no idea.

So it's someone.

It's sort of a worst case scenario.

Someone else's then, or someone.

That's a great question, Scott.

You know, those aren't the kind of things I get into.

For me, it's just,

you don't care why.

I don't care what it is.

If you want me to deal with your shitty bathroom situation and you want it to not smell, you got to call Mike Ruby, baby.

So

what's not smelling about?

Do you clean up the shit that's going to be a little bit more?

Do you want me to walk you through my patented,

I don't know how many steps, maybe nine-step process?

Sure, yeah, nine steps.

Let's go.

I love that you chose the number.

And you know, double digits, which I respect.

Sometimes, Scott, sometimes you over, you say it's like a 30-step process.

Then you're fucking locked in on coming up with 30 steps.

Sure.

No, under promise and over-deliver.

So, Scott, first things first, I got to start at my home, Scott.

So you, okay, yeah, that's where the process starts: is you're at your house.

Somebody gives me a call, they say, My bathroom's covered and shit.

Don't worry about it, Randy.

That's just me.

So, receiving the call.

I received the call.

That's the first step.

Okay, oh, we're gonna answer the call as the lady ghost supposed to be.

That's gonna be part of the steps.

Okay, hold on.

Let me recalculate.

I think we're at an 11-step process, Scott.

Oh, okay.

All right, so I answer the call and then step two: hop in the shower.

Okay,

you want to make sure that you're not stanking when you go over there.

The first step to being a non-stank plumber, Scott, is to make sure you are not bringing any stank into the stank situation, Scott.

You don't want any additional stank in there.

So do you rub?

You don't want any additional stank.

You have a beautiful voice.

Thank you, Scott.

That is from one of our radio ads.

Wow.

Then I do do all the voices, of course, like Michael Winslow.

But yes, so I shower.

You shower?

Do you rub yourself with soap, essential oils?

So I got

Garnet Furcase in there.

I got Paul Mitchell shampoos and conditioners, you know, Scott.

And then I also use Toms of Maine bar soap, Scott.

I don't know about that.

I think I would switch out.

Well, that's just exfoliation, Scott.

I get that in the crack.

I go deep, deep, deep exfoliation.

And I wash my hair a couple times.

As you can see, I have a flowing mane of hair.

Yeah, it is long.

I didn't want to say it, but, you know, on the Zoom, it looks like, is that down to your butthole or now?

It's down to my butthole because i'm sitting but when i stand it's right above my little butt crack

okay

but when you when you have this much hair scott you got to make sure you clean so that and and you know as a as a plumber who showers all the time you could tell that my hair is healthy no split ends yeah you know if i were you i would be like a cyclist i would i would shave my body entirely so that there is never any doubt that i would be stankless you would think that that scott is a is a good thing but actually it's not scott

it's true it's true the more you shave yourself the stankier you get.

Thank you.

Snuts gets it.

Once you shave, you start releasing some of the like really stanky understin, like the things that get baked into your skin as you sleep.

You know, you shave, it's almost like poking at a dead horse, you know?

Oh, okay.

I thought it would be trapped in a beard or in the hair, but no, it just releases the toxins.

Well, then you just got, you got to clean that beard.

So I brush my beard over a hundred times before I leave the shower.

By the way, your beard is super long, too.

Is that that's down by the pee hole I see?

So my beard is is not only on the ground, it extends like three feet in front of me.

Oh, wow.

So this is like a Princess Diana in reverse.

It's like a Princess Diana in reverse.

I don't even know what that means, man.

She had a train when she got married that was super long.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like a wedding train, but in reverse.

I love it.

Okay, so that's step two.

All right, step three.

Okay.

I drive there.

Now, this is a really important part.

I get in my car.

I put up all the windows.

There's a lot of mini steps within this.

There's a lot of mini steps.

So if we were doing like an outline, you know, this was like A, and now we're down at the I section where it's like, oh, you know, indented a little more.

Why do the windows go up?

Because you don't want any of the outside air?

Any outside smells, Scott.

So not only does the window go up, but I do spray heavy chemicals inside the car as I draw.

Okay, so it smells like that new car kind of thing.

New car smell, ozium, bleach,

Febreze.

I spray it all, Scott.

And the windows are up, and I keep from passing out by holding a small cloth over my face.

Okay.

Wow, counterintuitive, but that seems to work.

It is counterintuitive because that is sort of the chloroform, sort of the way you chloroform somebody.

But if you want to make sure that you don't get chloroform, you just have a clean cloth.

So, Mikey, like, what's like, what is the smell of all those things combined to like make you smell like once you step outside of the car?

I call it the Mike Ruby signature smell.

Oh, wow.

And it is, it's, it's trademarked.

And I'll tell you, it's not over yet because when I get out of the car, the final step is I take off all my clothes and spray myself head to toe with Axe Body Spray.

Wait, is this step four then?

At this point, we are step four.

Okay, great.

All right, so

we shower, we exfoliate, we shower, and then we drive there.

We drive there, which has a lot of mini steps of the rolling of the windows, stepping out of the car, etc.

And now we have sprayed the body with Axe Body Spray.

And now

we are at the customer's home scott so so no one is smelling the mike ruby signature smell other than you because not yet because once you get to the doorstep it's axe body spray all the way well the reason i do that scott is i want to train my nose to be you know it's it's trained for a good smell so any bad smell i'm gonna pick it out immediately when i oh

okay do you have uh uh uh do you have nasal cavities a lot like carissa there where they're just blown out and you can smell everything oh yeah i did what they call a cocaine simulation with pixie sticks in order to blow out my septums so that I could smell better, Scott.

Okay, because you're a strict don't do drugs.

Oh, I will never do drugs, Scott.

I signed that DARE contract, and I will never go back on it

when you were 13.

I was 13, but I was still, you know, my parents were there, so they did agree if it was legally binding.

So, okay, wow.

Okay, so we are now at step two.

You should get emancipated from that DARE contract.

It's really tough, Scott.

We could talk about that, but there's a lot of legal red tape to go through.

Yeah, at least nine steps.

All right, so step five step five now i'm in your house step five i'm gonna say point me in the direction of the stank okay so you just want it you just want the direction

yeah i just want the direction because because north east south or west just sort of actually hold out two arms and sort of do it at an angle and i know that this the mess is within that angle

okay so essentially like a 45 degree or at least

you could maybe widen it out if you put your arms behind your back to like 190, 200.

If you want to really be obtuse with it, you can go ahead and do that.

Sure, of course.

So, Scott, at this point, I float off the ground like Pepe Le Pi.

No way.

You love the stank?

Well, see, I don't love the steak, but I'm just detracting.

I'm revolted by the stank.

It's just my job is to find it.

So, I have fine-tuned myself.

So, I have to find it.

So, what step number is this that you're floating off the ground?

Six, Scott?

Six.

This is six.

This is double six, Scott.

Now, of course, I float my way.

Now, typically, we're getting to a bathroom, Scott.

And typically, there's shit everywhere.

Typically.

Why?

Why?

You'd be surprised.

You know, you're not calling a plumber for like a simple clog.

Like, you're calling a plumber for what, like, an act of God has gone down.

You know, I wanted to say that I think a plumber would, you know, and I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but I think a plumber could advertise as like the no-judgment plumber.

You know, how like, right, you know, you're ashamed when you call a plumber because of what they're going to find in there, you know?

Well, Scott, I could advertise that because one of my steps is,

one of my steps is to disassociate.

Okay.

So you're outside of your body.

I cannot take the smell or like the looking at even talking about poop or anything like that.

You've been doing it now for

the past 15 minutes.

I'll puke.

So when it comes down to the time to actually clean, I disassociate.

But before we get there, Scott, before we get there, I'm of course going to hop in their shower.

Oh, okay.

What do you want to make?

Yeah.

So that's step.

So step seven.

Step seven.

Step seven.

You find the shitty bathroom.

Step six is I float like Pebba Lip Hugh to the shitty bathroom.

Step seven, hop right on in the shower.

And of course I'll use whatever they have in there.

Garnet, few tees.

You don't bring your own stuff.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

Dove, body wash, you know, even if they have like a sort of like a manlier one that's like an X.

These are the things that can be found in other people's bathrooms.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you know that I wrote a magazine article that there's 10 things your crush might have in their bathroom?

Oh, no, I didn't realize you wrote that.

I don't know why I would have.

It's a real manageable number, too.

Sure.

I mean, I don't know that I necessarily want to hear all 10, but

we can circle back around if we have time at the end of the show.

But we are at step seven, and of course, I am re-showering, which is, of course, rubbing.

So get that X body spray off.

Because the X body spray off.

Because you want the X body spray when you go to the door because you want to smell good for the humans, but you don't want to leave the X body spray smell there.

Because some people might consider that a stank, Scott.

I don't know who, but you know, they may be some crazy people.

But, you know, Scott, I shower again.

I wash up all those smells.

I don't need my smell heightened as much anymore.

I hop out of the shower, Scott.

I look down at the shit everywhere.

Is this where the disassociate is?

Yeah, and of course, I disassociate, Scott.

And that's why it's step eight because I disassociate.

That's how I remember it.

Oh, okay.

So it's hard to remember without.

It's hard to remember that you always disassociate when you do plummeting.

Like, what's step eight?

I've just showered.

What is step eight again?

I disassociate.

And then I start looking around and things get blurry.

And then I sort of fall over and hit my head on the side of the seat.

Oh, God.

Wait, is this step nine?

No, this is step eight still.

No, step eight is disassociate.

Step nine is hit your head on the side of the seat.

Oh, okay.

That's a huge.

That's a huge part of it.

Okay, well, that's all the the steps there are.

No, but there's 11, Scott, because we were going to get away from that.

Oh, that's right.

I'm sorry.

Okay, so two more steps.

So, step 10 is wake up and hope the bathroom is cleaned.

Okay, well, how often, what percentage of the time is it clean?

100%, Scott, it's my guarantee.

I don't know what it is about me, but once I disassociate the bathroom, I'm unclogging drains.

I'm pulling out hair.

Oh, okay.

So, you're waking up and you've done the work, I guess.

Not all the work.

I thought you meant that when you woke up, you hoped the owner came in.

No, no, no, no, no.

Like, I do a lot of the work, but I'm sort of drooling and bleeding out of the side of my ear, and I sort of clean things up.

And then, of course, Scott, in the event that the bathroom is not clean, step 11, I will burn the residence to the ground.

Oh, okay.

How many times has that happened?

Well, you know, Scott, I'd say it happens around, you know, once or twice a month.

Oh, okay.

Is that part of the contract they sign when you?

Oh, yeah.

If you want the Mike Ruby guarantee, you got to be okay with the chances, the one to ten chance that I will have to burn your house to the ground because, quite honestly, it's just too far gone.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

So that is the sort of Mike, the Mike Ruby 11 steps of no stank plumbing, Scott.

So what I've noticed is there's no step 12 of you going back home.

So you're just chilling there after that.

No, no, no.

So what I do is then I sort of try to assume that I live in this house because it's going to be really hard for me to leave again without doing the whole shower and

so many steps.

So I live there and I just forward all my business calls to this new address.

And oftentimes, the people who live there, when they came into the bathroom and they saw me bleeding from the head, they're like, we got to get out of here.

This guy, they're going to blame us for this guy's murder.

And then I end up taking over the house, get over the house.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

Mics.

That's a very complicated process, but it sure is, Scott.

Are we ready for another commercial?

I guess so.

Go ahead.

That's not an orchestra, by the way, Randy.

What?

Sounds like it.

Oh, my God.

Well, it was the 4th of July, and me and my girlfriends were having a barbecue.

But we invited too many of the men over, if you know what I mean.

That means the toilet was clogged up with shit.

And I called this asshole named Randy, and I asked him hey can you get the shit out of my toilet and he said stuff like

he didn't even know but then I called Mike Ruby hi I'm Mike Ruby the no stank plumber I guarantee say it with me I will fix any bathroom situation with zero stank

We're not going to give you the run around with whether it's going to stank or not because it's not.

It's the Mike Ruby Ruby guarantee.

Mike Ruby Guarantee may include you having to burn your house down.

Hashtag no stank.

Wow, that's pretty good.

Wow.

Wow.

Dang.

Those girls sounded hot.

And there was a huge crowd involved.

Again, he could have picked any name but Randy, but hey, you got to give it up.

Yeah, that commercial was shot before a live studio audience, actually.

Wow, the entire thing.

And they were totally silent until

because nothing really interesting happened until Mike Ruby comes out.

You know,

I also noticed quite a lot of cursing in that one.

Where does that run?

That one's on satellite radio on Howard Search.

Oh, okay.

You can say it whatever you want, Scott, without getting canceled.

Cancel culture.

Is that a problem in the plumbing community?

As big of a problem as it is out here?

It's a huge problem.

Let me tell you what gets you canceled as a plumber, Scott.

Having your butt crack out.

Oh,

man.

Let me tell you something.

If your butt crack is out, Scott, you will get canceled, Scott.

I did see, I think there's a plumber here in town that promises that the plumbers aren't going to have their butt cracks out.

He is.

And I'll tell you what, this guy, his name is Mike Diamond, and

we have a huge...

That's right.

It sounds like you're a parody of it.

No, no.

Yeah, this guy have a huge follow.

We've had a huge following out, Scott.

Because, okay.

First of all, Mike Ruby, I've been operating in the greater Los Angeles area for, I don't know, 20 decades.

2,200 years.

it's a family business guy oh I see okay so many generations many generations this asshole comes around talking about he's the no smell plumber I don't even know what that means you don't want any good smells idiot

so you're the no stank plumber I'm the no stank plumber I have no interactions with Mike Diven I don't even know who that guy is to be honest So you had a falling out, but you've never had any interaction?

I had a falling out basically just like legally, like non-stop getting papers.

And people are like, are you this business?

And, you know, that kind of thing.

So So, he's been serving you legal papers?

He's serving me legal papers because he says I'm sort of infringing on his sort of clean-cut, you know.

Because, look, he, this guy says, Oh, none of the plumbers are going to have their ass cracks out.

Whose idea was that?

Me?

I sold up the top of my ass crack two years ago, Scott.

Oh, you did?

So, you have no ass crack?

So, it's just it's like a Ken doll down there?

It is like a Ken doll.

A reverse Ken doll.

It's like a Ken doll right until you get to the butthole.

Okay.

And then there's like a a where your hair is.

That is where my hair is.

That's where my butthole is actually existent.

Where poop

comes out.

I can't talk about it.

You're in the wrong line of business, I guess.

What do you mean, Scott?

I mean, you're good at what you do, obviously.

I'm fucking great at what I do, Scott.

Hashtag CBB.

If you go to

microby, that hostakepluba.com.

Why are you hashtagging it CBB?

That's my hashtag.

Oh, interesting.

So that's bad.

Oh, I guess it's more like a promo code.

Promo code CBB.

Okay, yeah, I don't know.

Randy, you have any need for a plumber like this?

I mean, yeah, every single day.

Because anytime I take a poop, I disassociate, and then I fall off, I hit my head on the tub, and I poop all over the bathroom.

Oh, nice.

So you have that too.

Yeah, absolutely.

It sounds like a lot of your clients have exactly that.

You want to know how I learned how to do this?

Is that I was at home.

I would be taking a poop.

I'd disassociate.

I'd wake up.

My bathroom would be covered in shit.

And then, of course, I had to learn how to clean it while disassociating.

So

maybe, maybe if you're looking for a job, you know, I might be able to train you up, become the next Mike Ruby.

I mean, I would love to join the team.

Necessity is the mother of all inventions, and I'm not going to stop shitting all over my bathroom anytime soon.

Okay, that's pretty good.

So, your business has been in the family for many generations.

You don't have any heirs that you can pass it on to?

Oh, well, Scott, I got a lot of relationship hang-ups.

I'm not good at, you know, to be honest,

I have problems when it comes to women, Scott.

Really?

Well, you know what?

We have a guest coming up on the show who can maybe help you with that.

Yeah, we have a world-renowned therapist coming up on the show.

I do.

I came here for a reason, Scott.

I knew God delivered me to this podcast.

Because I thought it was just to do two of your ads on the show.

Yeah, I thought it was going to be like, am I going to do some ads?

Or maybe I'll talk about the 10 things your crush might have in their bathroom.

No, we'll get to those, definitely, if we ever run into steam on this.

But the reason I came here was to get some relationship advice, Scott.

I'm ready.

Well, you're in luck because we have to take a break.

But when we come back, we'll have a therapist here.

And Randy, I think I know you need it, but it seems to me like Mike Ruby over here, who is not to be confused with Mike Diamond, definitely.

No, no, I don't know.

Who is also not to be confused?

Mike Diamond is not to be confused with the Beastie Boys, Mike Diamond, either, because that's what confuses me.

I'm always like, so the Beastie Boys break up and he gets into plumbing?

It's crazy.

And then also, Mike Diamond looks exactly like Lou Diamond Phillips.

So it's very nuts.

The whole situation.

And you, you look like

a really, really old, old monk with long, long hair down to the ground.

That's right.

The TV show monk, we should say, Tony Shaloube.

Yes, I look like Tony Shaloub with a big beard.

Yeah.

Well, we're going to come right back.

When we come back, the world-renowned therapist Diana Deep will be with us.

Obviously, you guys know who she is.

So we'll get all of our problems ironed out.

When we come back, we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy bang bang, we are back here.

We have Randy Snuts here

of the Sheboygan, I guess.

Are you out there in Sheboygan right now?

Yeah, currently, that's where Mark Patavano stays at.

That's right.

So, just about three blocks from Carissa's place.

And we also have Mike Ruby, the no-stank plumber, here, who.

Oh, my God, my toilet.

See, I got you guys.

I'm just like.

It's not your toilet.

It's actually Mike.

I'm just going to go to the bottom.

Yep.

And before the break, Mike Ruby told us that some shocking news, that he has problems with women.

And we didn't get into it because I wanted to save our next guest for that.

And Randy, you already have established you have problems with one woman in particular and perhaps other women, even though you've been in exclusive relationship with Carissa here for approximately six to eight years or so.

Yeah, I got problems all over the place, though.

That's right.

Yeah, so we don't have to focus just on the Chris of problems because you have many and a multitude of problems.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, would you say you have 99 problems and women are most of them?

Yep, absolutely.

And Chris is out of my life, otherwise, it would be 100.

Well,

we want to bring her on the show.

You know her as one of the most famous therapists to, I guess, to ever live and hopefully not die.

But, you know, apparently, although I've, you know, I don't know that I'm going to die.

I've never seen any evidence that I am going to.

But

I don't know why we got on her dying here, but she is one of the most famous therapists to ever live.

And she has her own podcast where she helps couples and people out with their problems called Going Deep with Diana Deep.

And hopefully, she'll help our guests out here with some of their problems.

Please welcome to the show for the first time therapist Diana Deep.

Thank you, Scott, for that truly messed up introduction.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I don't know why I brought that up, but I, you know, I mean, really dark.

Well, you know, I don't know why I even said you're one of the most famous therapists to ever live.

I mean, like, of course,

you are, but of course, all other therapists who have been famous have lived as well.

Is that safe to say?

All other therapists who have been famous have lived.

Yes.

Yeah, well, yeah.

So

every therapist from famous to non-famous has been alive.

Yes.

Yes.

Well, let me just start by saying, Scott.

Do you want us to erase everything that we said before you came on here?

Because it seems like you're trying to move on very quickly.

Yeah, I'm trying to move on, Scott, because you're trying to talk about death.

And we can get there.

Clearly, you have some damage.

Is that a subject matter that you try to stay away from in your therapy?

I would think it would come up every once in a while.

Yeah, of course it comes up.

It comes up a lot with sex.

It comes up with...

They're inexorably linked, aren't they?

Sex and death?

They are.

Because you want them to happen at the same time?

No, no, but some say

the orgasm is the little death, as they call it.

Oh, no kidding.

How many little?

Killing of the soul.

I've had five little deaths today, I believe.

So put them all together, and maybe I might be close.

Is that why you look like the cribkeeper?

You know what's interesting is that, Scott, you were saying that me and Randy were the ones that needed therapy, but it's like, I don't know, Diane is sort of

tuning into you right away.

I think Scott needs it the most.

Scott's clearly the most fucked up.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know why you would say that.

Just because I bungled your introduction, because I got in my head about why did I say, you know, that you were one of the most famous to ever live, you know, and I went down the rabbit hole that way.

I don't think I'm fucked up.

You started talking about your own death when you were introducing me.

So clearly, there's some damage there.

That's all I'm saying.

Okay, Scott.

Scott, you at least need a glass of water if you cranked your jock five times already today.

Who said I cranked it?

You said you did.

You said you had five little deaths already today.

So someone else cranked it.

Oh,

now we got to brag and keep score.

I'm married.

This is telling.

So he's having to scream that he's married, which I feel like is telling.

Is that right, Diana?

Good point, Mike.

I do.

I think, you know, he's, I mean, he's damaged.

You can tell.

Okay, look,

let's turn the spotlight away from me.

You know what?

Let's turn the spotlight away from you.

I want all, just all your listeners to go ahead and turn off this podcast.

Turn off this one?

Turn it off.

Oh.

And search going deep with Diana Deep.

You haven't even.

And go ahead and press play.

And

I think you'll be

happier than listening to this.

Okay, so I don't know that, look, I hate to have people with other podcasts on this show in the first place because I don't, I don't, it's just bad business to have podcast hosts on this show.

I mean, look what happened with Conan O'Brien.

He's on this show.

Suddenly, he's the most popular podcaster in the world, being nominated for all these awards in the top 10 all the time, just from him advertising it on this show.

So I don't know.

I don't like having.

I'm jealous of that.

I don't begrudge him for it.

I mean, he's trying to express himself.

He's an artist.

You know, I just, I don't know why I gave him the CBB bump that I did to make him the most popular podcaster.

Yeah, and you're taking credit for all of that.

I mean, I deserve the credit.

I don't know that I'm taking it.

I'm being given it by myself.

Sure.

Wow, Diana, you're scribbling down a lot.

Like, you have been writing non-stop since Scott has started talking.

Like, is there a lot of important notes down there?

Like, what are you sort of keeping?

Yeah, no,

I write in this big manila folder.

It's just a folder.

Just an open folder, no paper there.

So I cover it, and then, but at the end, I light it on fire.

It's part of the healing thing.

I can relate to that.

I can relate to that.

One of the last steps of me doing any plumbing is look around.

If it's clean, step 11, I look around.

If it's not clean, I burn it to the ground.

So I understand that impulse.

I understand that.

You know, I was thinking about you, Mike, when I was listening to you talk.

Me?

I was realizing, I think, did something traumatic happen with poop for you when you were little?

Did you walk in?

Traumatic things have happened to him while he's been an adult with poop.

It sounds like every job he has.

Just walking at someone pooping.

Okay, so I didn't want to talk about this, but when I was a child,

I was playing in the front yard of my Aunt Wendy's house.

And she said, go pick up that stick over there.

Whoa, it's almost like she's here.

Go pick up that stick over there.

Young

Ruby.

So I walked.

I called you by your last name.

They call me Young Ruby.

It's part of the family tradition.

So I walked over to what I thought was a stick, and I picked it up, and I started waving it around like it was a sword.

And I started hitting my cousins with it.

And I started throwing it around.

And as it disintegrated in my hand, I realized it was shit.

I mean, I saw that coming right away.

Yeah, yeah, no, I should have said that.

It's not really.

Some night shyland style.

Sort of not a twist.

It's not a twist.

But I had already sort of licked my hands and sort of done a lot of really gross stuff.

Yeah, so yeah, maybe that's my trauma.

Also, I watched my dad die at a human waste facility where he died at a giant vat of shit.

Because you can't swim in it.

The volume is so that you have to sink.

It's like shit sand, they call it.

Sort of like a biff in Back to the Future when that truck.

Yes, yeah.

Yeah.

So is that the trauma, maybe?

I think that is the trauma.

You know, and that might have a bit to do with how you relate to women.

Cause we all, all of the way, all of our sexual experiences tie back to how our parents died

and death in general, back to death.

Wow.

So, what if, what if my parents are still with us?

So, what do my sexual experiences relate back to?

So, I mean,

really, you haven't even begun to have sexual experiences.

Oh, so, God, I guess.

So all that cranking you were talking about?

I wasn't tanking about that.

Bringing it to you.

Are you saying that you'd been cranking it all day?

Five or six cranks, you know.

So you call me Jason Statham because I'm the king of the crank, he said.

So we didn't call Jason Statham the king of the cranks.

Well, you said you wanted that.

Yeah, dude, you're a crank yanker, Scott.

It's written all over your face.

You're bouncing around like a Muppet, telling people that you're yanking, but you got nothing down there to yank because you're a Muppet.

is that what you're saying diana

yeah that's exactly that scott's got a muppet wiener

for me you know my um my sexual experiences um all tie back to how i watched my father die in the alps he um i'm so sorry i watched your dad dive too oh yeah he fell off of a chairlift onto a bunch of little

Little skiers.

Whoa, little in terms of like they looked little when he he was up in the chairlift and then once he got down to them, they were his size.

No, they were just small

children or adults, but they were

shorter, 5'2 to 5'6.

4'11, maybe.

Yeah, maybe one or two.

And he just felt like.

How were they all hanging out together?

Is that like short people like to hang out with each other?

It was a club.

It was a club.

Oh, it was a club.

Short skiing club or something like that?

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, so how does this manifest itself sexually for you so for me

usually i come the quickest when i'm with short men oh dang lucky then that's pretty easy that's pretty cold and it when it's cold oh it's got to be cold as well yeah you know ideally it's winter interesting okay so it's seasonal for you it is seasonal i don't come in the summer oh

well that's cool

i guess that's pretty cool to know that you just don't even have to like really put any effort into you know yeah so here in febby dubby you're in hog heaven at this point.

This is your time to shine.

More like piglet heaven.

Okay.

With these little guys, these cold little fellas, these little piglets

poking their tiny little tails in a diet.

We don't need to call short pigs.

Have you ever heard of.

Have you ever seen a pig dick before?

It looks like a corkscrew.

Yeah, it's like a corkscrew.

Looks like a long, weird corkscrew.

Yeah, Beaujolais, if you know what I mean.

Diana, can I tell you?

There's something going on with you guys.

I know.

Yeah, every time we look away, you guys are sort of your.

I feel like if you guys were sitting under a table, your feet would be playing under the table.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You guys aren't in the same room, are you?

I mean, we're both on two different Zooms, but you know.

I don't know, Randy, where are you?

I'm at Mark Padavano's house.

I said that.

You were

established canon by now.

I listened.

No, I listened.

I listened.

Oh, okay.

Well, yeah.

Then make me repeat myself.

Don't make me.

Oh, yeah.

You You want me to make you?

No, you already did.

I met Mark out of Anno's house.

Hey, Scott, what the hell's going on here?

There's a lot of fun.

There's some fun sexual tension happening, but I don't know if it's intentional, if this is a therapy sort of thing that you're doing.

I don't know, but I'm just, I'm going to

where's Mark right now?

I don't know.

He's out.

He's out at his job.

He's making an ass.

Oh, is he?

Is he?

Or is he with

Carissa?

Stop, Scott.

Stop.

Stop cranking.

What are you doing?

I'm Scott, are you cranking it right now?

No, he started to, but I think he stopped.

Scott?

No, I'm itchy.

I'm itchy.

It's just an itch down there.

Yeah, right.

You're scratching the itch, that's for sure.

Well, I'm trying to tell Diana that Mark is probably, you know, I don't know, six things deep in Carissa right now.

Okay.

Six things deep.

Can I ask you a question, Diana?

Because I'm as confused as anybody.

But like, so

I feel like we all have a Carissa situation, you know, like that person that you need to get out of your life, you know?

And like, what is it that we have to heal within ourselves in order to be strong enough to release these strings?

You know what I mean?

Well, first of all, I think most men are the weak link in the male-female relationship.

Okay, that's pretty fucked up.

Pretty weird.

Pretty fair.

They are the dumb ones.

They're the most damaged.

They're the least likely to grow.

So.

Hey, all right.

Hey, that was my senior superlative.

least likely to grow does that mean you're pretty short randy no you're just most likely to show

show out to grow out that's what i say hmm interesting chris is then chrissa usually hangs up on me i think you know with you and carissa if i'm being honest you know maybe maybe it's not that it's about your relationship but it's about it's actually between her and mark and you happen to be the one that she cheats on him with have you ever thought about it like that randy

No, I haven't.

You know, I'm not one who naturally gravitates toward confidence, and that would probably give me a lot more confidence, if I'm being honest.

If I'm the bad boy in this little love triangle.

You like to be the bad boy.

I mean, yeah, I am a bad boy.

That was my other senior superlative.

Least likely to grow and baddest boy.

Scott, I feel like every time she starts talking, she like starts, like her bra strap starts to show a little bit.

She like shows a little bit more shoulder.

Like, what's going on?

What's going on?

I mean, she's...

Yeah, you are a bad boy.

Oh, yeah.

Just ignoring us.

Very strange.

Damn.

Five, five, five, five, six.

Well, no, I'm five, ten and a half, normal size.

Okay, okay.

Oh, no, not interested anymore.

Not interested.

Okay.

All right, Diana.

So

here's my problem with women.

I want to bring you in on this.

So I meet a woman out in the wild.

Just one?

I'm sure there's many.

Go ahead.

I don't even.

What are you?

Come on.

on, give me a chance.

I'm a good guy.

So I'll meet a woman, I'll be in the park, and I'll be like, oh, you know, that woman has a cute dog, you know, and I'll walk over and be like, oh, cute.

That's what attracts you to a woman is how their dog looks.

Yeah.

You might be attracted to dogs.

Scott, no shame in that game.

And I'm not going to be the no-judgment therapist when it comes to that.

I feel like there is shame in that game, to be honest, right?

Yeah.

I don't know.

As a Catholic, no shame in that game.

So, okay.

I mean, I guess they do say that dogs look like their owners.

So you notice the dog first and go, boy, if that was a human.

And then you look up at the human and it looks like the dog.

And I'm a personality guy, you know.

If the dog has a cute personality, I'm like, oh, you must be getting that from somewhere, you know.

So I look up, I'm like, oh, that big cute dog.

Why don't you just engage the woman and see how her personality is first?

Is this my problem?

I'm engaging people's dogs before I engage people.

Let me ask you.

Let me ask you.

Is the dog shitting when you see the dog?

Something.

To be honest, there's like a 35% chance the dog is shit.

But that's usually why dogs are outside.

Exactly.

They're out there to either shit or walk.

And sometimes when they're walking, it's like the shit happens no matter what, you know.

Yeah, but so are you attracted when you see the shit?

No.

I'll tell you what I do is as soon as I meet a woman and I'm like, okay, we are, we're hitting it off slightly, I will say, hey, don't move.

I'll be right back.

I get in my car, drive home, jump right in the shower.

Why don't you shower before you go to the park?

Of course I did, Scott.

But now we got to start fresh, you know,

relationship.

So I shower, I started exfoliating.

Of course, I use my Garnet fruit tease.

I get proactive solution.

I rub it right in my butthole, Scott.

Sure.

And then the Toms of Maine, right?

The Toms of Maine.

I use that for my underarms, some of my hairier bits.

And then I get back and then they're normally not there.

I see.

What's the issue, do you think, Dr.

Deep?

Well, I mean, there seems to be an obsession with being clean, which, you know,

I grew up in parts of Europe and

over there, everyone's just not quite as obsessed with being clean as Americans are.

You know, Americans are covering themselves in bleach, you know.

And you're saying this could be related to me watching my dad die in human shit at a

water treatment facility.

I think there's something there.

I don't know what it is, but I think there's something.

Yeah, it's all coming together.

I'm going to have to work through some of this.

This is good stuff.

I can't.

Thank you so much.

This is good.

This is good stuff.

Glad to help you, I mean.

I'm not going to be able to do it quite yet.

Well, right now, Scott, you can see a single tear rota from my eye.

And normally it's all the way down the hair

on your beard all the way down to the penis hole all the way to my penis hole and the second i like a water slide i normally will run to the shower scott to get clean but i think i've got something for you mike we're gonna do a little role play okay i'm a woman oh great i could do a lot of sound effects voices you want me to be the woman no i'm the woman okay okay i'm the woman you're yourself i don't have a dog no dog how about scott

dogs yeah could scott be one of the dogs and then maybe snuts could be a passing dog that's like oh it's a hot dog They could have their own little thing going on.

You guys want to be in the skid?

We're here.

Yeah.

You're just going to ignore us.

We're not invisible.

These guys need therapy, too.

You guys can be,

I know, we'll be at a restaurant, and you guys, one of you can be a waiter, and the other one can be a waiter in training.

Oh, okay.

Am I shadowing him?

You're shadowing him.

But he's the waiter in training.

Why am I shadowing him?

Because you're both new.

Oh, cool.

But Scott.

You're supposed to figure it out.

You're both new

to the deep end.

Randy's been there one day more.

So he knows a little bit more than you do.

But you're both new.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Scott, that's your name, right?

We just.

Wait, wait, before we even start, are we meeting in this restaurant?

Are we on a date?

Because I don't normally get to restaurants with these women.

Yes,

we're on a date.

Okay.

So this is to make sure that you'll have confidence to

do a date because I think once you have that confidence, you can ask a woman out.

No, this is actually third base would be Scott.

First base would be a shower.

Second base,

Third base restaurant.

Okay.

Okay.

So here we go.

We're out of here.

Hi, what's your name again?

Excuse me?

I'm not talking to you, ma'am.

I'm talking to my waiter that's training me.

Oh, it's Randy.

Don't disrespect me.

I've been here a day longer than you.

What the fuck's your problem, dude?

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Look, what are we supposed to do today?

Marry ketchups or what do we do?

No, we'll marry ketchups at the end of the shift or unless the bottles get empty.

Look, we just need to go up to this table and ask these people what they'd like for dinner.

And if they need more time, that's fine.

We can come back.

Okay, it sounds complicated, but I'm with you.

Have you ever been to a restaurant before?

No.

This was so exciting to get a job at this place I've never been in.

Insane.

So, Mike, how do you feel?

Do you feel better?

Do you feel like you could do this?

I'll say this.

I was the entire time gripping my seat because I wanted to get up and run home to my shower.

But I stood there.

I stayed in the pocket.

I let those people argue around me.

I feel like that was a major breakthrough, Diana.

Well, let's try another one here, Mike.

Okay.

Okay.

Who are we?

Who are you?

So, me and you, Mike,

we just went out to dinner and now we are in.

Now you're sliding into home and you're feeling all that foam?

No,

we're going out for a movie, okay?

So we've just got to go.

Is that in between?

That's like a pickle in between third base and home plate?

Yeah, that's like you caught between the shortstop and the third baseman, and you're like, oh, God, I don't know how to.

Yeah, you're at a pickle player right now.

It's a rundown.

Okay.

And who are we?

Squeeze play.

It's a squeeze play, if you will.

Okay, so we've just gotten together.

Can I be a projectionist?

No, you guys work at the snack booth.

You guys work at the snack booth.

Okay.

Booth.

And

you've both.

It's like a kiosk inside the movie theater where we're.

Snack booth.

Okay, I'm just wondering because sometimes, like, you go to the arc light there's like a coffee kiosk or whatever this is i just think if you would just listen to her give her a chance i feel like she could be helping you because she's doing wonders for me right now all right all right this is back you know this is back when there were people humans who worked at the movie theater and you're going we're gonna go order some snacks okay

this is back in time this is like 2019

this is 2019.

Okay, all right.

So I know what a snack booth is.

So clearly I've been working there a little longer than Scott.

You've been working there there a day longer than Scott.

Okay.

So,

but in this case, Scott,

you guys have been working there for two weeks, and Randy's been working there for two weeks and a day.

Two weeks and one day.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

In 2019.

All right.

All right.

Hi, Randy.

Did you hear that those North Korea-U.S.

nuclear talks stalled?

Yeah, no kidding.

I listened to all the classic news podcasts first thing in the morning.

Look at all the shit all over the cash register.

What did you do here?

Oh, sorry.

I just, I was thinking thinking about how the U.S.-China trade war is continuing.

Yeah.

Tensions are flaring in the Persian Gulf.

All this stuff is going on in the world.

And I just took my mind off of the ball, I guess.

I got to go home and take a shower.

Okay, Anseine.

Okay, I didn't make it through that one.

I had to run home and take a shower.

There was shit on the cash register.

No one was acknowledging it.

Well, what about the shit was upsetting to you?

Normally there is, you know, there's going to be shit out in the world, right?

Oh, wow.

Hopefully,

they hide it a little bit.

I mean, you know, I mean, yeah, every once in a while you're walking along and someone didn't pick up their dog's poop, but, you know, I mean, hopefully.

Or there's human shit.

Hopefully, human shit is.

behind partitions.

Guys, we got to stop talking about, oh,

I'm getting sick.

We can't keep talking about this.

Okay.

Wow, I do think those role plays were helping diane i i i do feel like i will be able to talk to a woman for maybe a few sentences before i feel dirty and need to run home and exfoliate well that's good i think i i i think i helped a lot i i think i did a great job and you know i think you helped me and randy here kind of patching up our relationship you know i mean uh sort of like the tables really did turn with us where suddenly you were the dominant one randy and it really felt good yeah it felt great to dominate scott yeah scott do you like to be dominated?

I mean, I don't like it necessarily.

Seems like you get a lot of people on here who dominate you.

I tend to think that I'm the one dominating them when they're on the show.

You know, I mean, I don't know.

I don't know.

I agree.

I think Scott's right.

He's a power bottom.

Not like notorious power bottom Ebenezer Scrooge.

Okay.

You there.

What day is it?

Why, it's Christmas, sir.

Ah, the perfect day to power bottom.

The one as big as me.

Hey, Scott, what's your height?

You're famously tall, right, Scott?

Well, I'm, yeah, I'm sort of 6'2 ⁇ , 6'3.

Yeah.

And what's your height?

We didn't talk.

I mean, we've talked about the length of your hair, but we haven't talked about how tall you are.

I'll be honest, I grow my hair really long to sort of hide how short I am, you know, Scott.

Oh, how short are you?

That's what they tell you to do.

They tell me to grow your hair long so that people are like, oh, that guy's at least five feet.

Yeah, because sometimes you can hairspray it up, sort of like a flock of seagulls or a French steward.

And sometimes, if you let your beard get like long enough and then really get it tight with some hairspray, you can walk on top of it, give you like a one-inch platform, you know, Scott.

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

How short are we talking about?

How short are you?

Well, I am what they call 411 and a half.

It's what they call.

Yeah.

What was that?

Do you get some

sort of therapy thing where you're sort of like, yeah, you're writing something down about my sort of psyche?

Is that what you're writing?

My vanilla envelope is full.

Oh, Scott, are you seeing this?

I don't know.

What are you seeing?

Are you seeing this tension?

It seems like they're in the same room now.

Oh,

yeah.

A lot of people call me a short king.

Is that something that you're interested in?

I love a little king.

A little king.

Okay.

All right.

Look, our little king.

I do have to warn you, my job.

involves a lot of head injuries and a lot of shit and a lot of forgetting stuff.

So a relationship with me is going to be a whirlwind.

I just.

Yeah, are you sure that you haven't been in a relationship at this point?

I mean, you may have just hit your head so many times you can't recall it.

Two women claimed to be married to me.

But I will not, I don't even, I'm not going to acknowledge that at all.

I say they were clients.

I was just there cleaning their bathroom and then I left, you know.

Well, guys, this has been incredible.

What an incredible experience.

One really important thing, Scott.

What's that?

10 things you're crushing.

No, we don't have.

Look, we have time for one final feature, and that is a little something called plugs.

I don't want no earwigs in my pita chips.

No, I don't want no earwigs in my pita chips.

Don't want their little antennae pressed against my lips.

I don't want no earwigs in my pita chips.

Oh, yeah, that was i don't want earwigs in my pita chips by david stray nay

and uh i i like this the plugs themes are no longer about plugs i felt that was limiting yeah it definitely slapped all these plug themes are going to add up to some weird ass con like concept album that's like yeah it would almost be like uh they might be giants fingertips or something like that incredible um all right guys what are we plugging uh randy snuts do you have anything to plug i mean your life seems so simple and yet so complicated i'm not sure if you have anything to plug.

Well, surprise, Scott.

I came on here to launch my latest podcast venture.

Oh, really?

What's that?

I don't know.

It's called the Randyverse.

Is it like WandaVision?

Yeah, it's like WandaVision.

I play all the different characters in it, and it just keeps unfolding.

So you play Randy and you play Verse.

Yeah, I play Randy.

I play Verse.

And then I play other Randys that are pointing at myself.

And they're like, you're Randy?

And I'm like, you're Randy.

It seems like you're Randy.

Okay.

Yeah, this is this sounds really good.

And this is a podcast and audio show.

Yep, it's already doing better numbers than Comedy Bang Bang.

Oh, no.

Why did I give you this bump?

Um, all right, uh, Mike, what are you plugging here?

Well, of course, Scott, I'm plugging patreon.com/slash Sean Distin.

I've visited there once or twice.

Oh, yeah, it's it's the no stank Patreon podcast network, they call it.

And um, this guy, Sean Distin, is doing a really

funny stuff.

He's talking about ninja.

But the one thing he doesn't do is talk about shit.

So that's why I'm able to listen to him.

Oh, okay.

Good, good.

And people can get that at patreon.com/slash Sean Distance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He does some fun podcasts on there.

He's a good guy.

Also, don't forget

promo code CBB on Mike Ruby's website, Mike Ruby, the nostankplumber.com.

Of course.

And Diana Deep, what do you plug?

Yes.

Thank you, Scott.

I want all your listeners to follow me, Dr.

Diana Deep.

I'm not a real doctor, but at Going Deep,

which is a Stitcher podcast.

And then also on this account that I love at

L-I-L-Y-Y-I-L-Y.

Oh, is that a palindrome?

Is that.

No.

Oh.

Well, what is it?

So it's not as simple as going deep with Diana Deep.

It's the lilac.

Lily, Lily.

Sick Lily.

It's Ill Lily.

L-I-L-Y-Y-L.

L-I.

Lily.

It's complicated.

It's not.

How do you say it out loud?

How do you say it out loud?

Lily-illy.

Lily-illy.

Lily.

Lily-illy.

Okay.

All right.

And so if people can find that, although I don't know if you can.

People can find it.

People have found it.

Interesting.

I thought Jason Manzukas had a Twitter account under that.

He does.

He does.

Yeah, okay.

He's a clever short man.

I don't know whether he's a short king.

I don't know whether he wants to be tarred with that brush.

All right.

I want to plug.

Look,

coming up on a perfect time to watch Michael Bolton's Big Sexy Valentine's Day on Netflix, a special that we made, Me and the Lonely Island made a couple of years ago with Michael Bolton and several guest stars,

Maya Rudolph and Andy Samberg and all sorts of great people.

You can check that out.

All right, let's close up.

Oh, and this is, we're going to hear one of our remixes.

Let's close up the old plug bag.

When you see something open, get a rope up and start to twist.

Then you find that you're getting the little I missed.

You think you're crying and you know what to do.

Get up in there and do what you do.

You gotta open up the plug bag.

Open it up.

Open up the flood bag.

Make sure it's not closed.

Open it up the tow bag.

Make sure you got oxygen

and don't mess around with it.

Make sure you don't mess around.

Don't mess around.

And make sure you don't mess around.

Don't mess with us around.

Don't mess it up.

Don't mess around.

Don't mess it up.

Don't mess over.

Don't mess around.

Don't mess around.

Don't mess around.

Don't mess around.

Open that shit.

Oh, yeah.

That was the Michael Hardigan remix.

That was the first one we received.

So far, we've received three remixes, and we're just cycling through them.

So if you have one, go ahead and we can add it to the remix pile.

Wow.

And yeah, guys, I want to thank you so much.

First of all, Randy, always great checking in with you.

I'm sorry to raise so many issues with carissa and uh what sounds like your best friend of several years yeah it's okay scott it was eye-opening it was a pleasure and i'll see you in a year hey unless you're sleeping you want those eyes open don't you yep if you're not sleeping you better be peeping that's right all right see you in 2022

we'll put that on a shirt baby uh and uh diana deep uh great to meet you and uh thank you so much for your expertise and your knowledge here and for imparting it upon us.

Really appreciate it.

And good luck with your podcast.

Thank you so much.

I'll send you the bill, Scott.

Oh, I thought this was free.

All right.

But,

and then Mike Ruby.

Look.

Yeah.

They're waiting on it, Scott.

They're waiting.

No, we got to do it.

Hit us.

We got to do it.

Hit us, baby.

Your crush might have in their bathroom.

Damon, baby.

Number two, tweezers.

Oh, no, we're running out of time.

We only have three seconds left.

Shoot up.

Go through the rest really quick.

Medication.

Three.

Two.

Little trash can.

Lotion.

Auto drugs.

Final cup.

All right, we'll see you next time.

Bye.

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