Bonus Bang: Wainscotting, Entrée PeeE Neur & Italiano Jones (David Wain, Ego Nwodim, Carl Tart)

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Hey everyone, Scott Auckerman here, and welcome to another Bonus Bang where we re-release great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall.

This week, we're kicking off a new series.

Very exciting when we kick off a new series.

Always a special time here at Comedy Bang Bang.

And this series features a wonderful character played by Carl Tart.

That's right, Italiano Jones.

Italiano Jones.

Now, this week's episode is titled Wayne Scotting, Entre Peneur, and Italiano Jones.

It was originally released January 12th, 2020 as episode 634.

This is the first appearance of Italiano Jones in the Comedy Bang Bang universe, aka the CBBU.

Now, this episode also features David Wayne as the A-Block guest.

He was promoting his series Medical Police at the time, which of course went on because of his appearance on here to be the most well-known and lauded and respected comedy series of all time.

We also have Ego Wodem from Saturday Night Live as Andre P.

Newer.

Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every live show, ad-free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents, Scott Hasn't Seen, and Entree Pieneur's Entrepreneur Tour.

Now, if you're a big Italiano Jones fan, you can also order the Italiano Jones action figure along with the Entre Pigneur action figure at shop.figurecollections.com.

And we also have all the other great Comedy Bang Bang action figures, Carissa, Randy Snuts.

You can even get,

should you be so inclined, an action figure of me and do whatever you want with it.

I don't really care.

Just don't tell me about what you're doing with it.

You can also go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchase.

Purchases, rather.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but

until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Bros before hoes, except after C.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Aha, thank you to Alan P.

Williams for that wonderful catchphrase submission and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week.

And what a week it is.

Let me just tell you what we have on tap this week.

This is Medical Police Week.

That's right.

Two episodes with the stars and Cree.

Well, I don't even know if that's his title, but at least a producer on it of Medical Police, the hot new Netflix content.

We will be having a bonus episode this week with the stars.

But before we get to that, we have an episode today that you're listening to right now.

With

I don't even know if he's the creator.

We'll cover all of this coming up.

But a little bit later, we have

a small business owner and we also have a lawyer we'll be talking to.

But

I hyped him so hard just moments ago.

I believe he's the creator of the show, but I could be very wrong.

All evidence points points to him being some sort of executive producer of the show, but I could be way off base.

By gum, I think he might have directed an episode or two, but he might be too busy for that.

But welcome him back to the show.

It's another episode of Wayne Scotting.

That's right.

David Wayne is back on the show.

Hello, David.

Scott, it's great to be here.

I know.

I'm telling you, the hype that you lay down before I come on makes me feel like I'm in a zone of acceptance by your audience.

Yeah.

So high.

Like I could be okay.

This bubble extends

outward to our entire audience, and they are just welcoming you.

It's almost like a warm embrace.

It's like a tender, loving hug, which I know we're not supposed to do in Hollywood these days, but I think that that's what we should do right now, you and me.

But I don't want to break Hollywood's rules.

Come on, just hug me.

I think maybe in a year it'll be cool.

No, come here.

Oh, God.

I I forgot how good you are at hugging.

There we are.

Now I remember.

Yep.

Speaking of memory, I have to tell you.

Great segue.

We were sitting here in the just to get, I'd like to give your audience a little slice if I could, and I think they would appreciate it.

So I'm going to do it.

When I go to New York, I get a slice.

Why shouldn't you give our audience a slice?

Am I right?

This is what I'm talking about.

Now, that's the, anyway, we come into the studio to do the show.

And what people don't know, maybe, who listen to the podcast, but aren't part of the inner circle is the inner sanctum.

You show up at where the studio is.

A prescribed time and a prescribed place.

Certainly, those two elements are there.

Without the time and place, there's no way I would have been here right now.

How would you have even have known?

And you come in and you're sitting at this, it's a table with microphones.

People have probably seen photos of it if you're a fan of the show.

If you're a fan of the show, you may have been on some website that has shown a single photograph, if not two.

Or maybe you've been on the show if you've also, if you're also on the show.

Sure.

Yes.

Open door policy.

If you just started listening to the show with the best of, we have an open door policy here.

Anyone can come in and be on the show.

But you can come into this environment.

Maybe you've had a bad day.

Maybe you're tired.

I, for example, have a very, very bad flu and a high.

Influenza?

Yeah.

And I also

have

a heart.

You're having a heart attack?

I'm having a heart attack.

You're having a heart attack right now?

I had it probably 20 minutes ago.

Do we need to call someone or do we?

I don't know.

There's an ambulance outside.

I asked them to stop because I had the appointment to do the show.

Do they charge you more

while you keep them waiting?

I don't know that I get the bill because it's always so much later.

And then I always usually have my lawyer look at it.

Oh, and you've skipped out.

Yeah, and I say give it to my publicists and all that.

Oh, okay.

The whole runaround.

So I'm sorry.

So are you in pain at all?

Yeah, a lot of pain.

Oh.

They're rushing me to the hospital to see what's going on.

They're rushing you after you do a leisurely hour-plus podcast.

Well, we're we're mid-rush.

I had to just stop here because I

you came from another place?

I made it.

Had them to be here.

So it matters to me.

Where were you?

Were you when you had this

heart attack?

I was at a pizza, a pizzeria.

Oh, wait.

This wasn't in New York City, was it?

It was Brooklyn Pizza.

What?

So you are going, you had the ambulance drive you all the way from New York?

Well, they said, where do you live?

I said, I live in Los Angeles.

And they're like, okay, we'll get you to your local hospital.

What?

Yeah.

And so they drove me.

But the heart attack started 20 minutes ago?

Yes.

What did you call the ambulance for originally?

You know that it's the Concord ambulance.

Oh, just like Phil Collins took.

Yes, exactly.

For Live Aid.

Everyone knows gender.

Everyone knows that reference.

So

the point that I'm getting to

is that you're here, as obviously based on what we described, I'm a little distracted with the.

Sure.

But I hear that theme music.

Comedy bang bang.

Reggie Watts.

Comedy Bang Bang.

Reggie Watts, that sound is

unmistakable.

It is definitely, if you were to hear that song, you would say,

unless you've never heard the song before, you would say, that is the theme song to Comedy Bang, Bang.

Exactly.

And so then suddenly, whatever else I'm thinking about, I don't care.

I'm here.

It's the.

You're sweating a lot.

It's a moment.

You are pale.

You look at Death's Door.

Yep, but you play that music and I feel like I'm in.

You don't look like you're in you should not be doing what you're doing but i feel it because of the music all right welcome david wayne thank you uh let's talk about medical beliefs let's tick off all the boxes of uh if i were to go onto the uh internet movie database.com

were i to traverse the web onto that particular website i didn't know that imdb has a website now they do that's awesome they originally started as word of mouth, did they?

Well, I'd love to check it out.

If you could give me the URL, I'm going to.

I believe it's internetmovied

base.com.

I got it.

If you were to go over there and check out your particular page, which I would imagine it's hard to get there without using the search function first,

because I would imagine it has, it's like in internet movie database.com/slash equals search equals percentage mark

six eight five nine two David plus Wayne, something to that effect.

Perhaps you could put that info in the notes for the podcast listeners so they have a director.

So they can look at one picture of this studio without us in it and then check out my IMDb page.

Your IMDb page.

But were I to go there, what duties

could I say that you performed upon this wonderful piece of content?

This is streaming content medical police starting Friday on Netflix.

Well, of course, it's already up, my dear boy.

In the old days, they used to call it a television show.

Yes.

We call it a piece of streaming content product.

It's a real P-O-S

streaming content.

Is it not?

I am one of the four co-creators of this show.

Bravo.

I am one of the two directors of the 10-episode.

Who's that other director?

Is it Marty?

It's a great guy named Bill Benz, who you've perhaps crossed paths with over the years.

I don't believe I've ever crossed paths with him, and I hope I never do.

In this case, you'd be smart not to.

Yes.

And I have a small cameo role, but I also am one of the writers of the show, of course.

A small cameo role?

Are you portraying the part that you played in.

Now, this is a spin-off of Children's Hospital or an ersat spin-off universe with the same characters.

It is

a different pool of sorts to the saga.

But you you don't have the rights to it, so you can't say it's a real.

I do have the rights to it.

It is really.

It is literally the controls.

So you're not some sort of scoff law here with the rights to children's hospital.

You're going to go to your $50 words.

All I'm going to say is this is a continuation of Children's Hospital, the Adult Swim, Emmy Award-winning seven-season

thing that we did.

Yeah.

I was going to say a better word, like jogger nut.

Joggernaut or juggernaut?

And I love how you're taking a sip of your tea as if you scored so hard with Juggernaut that you have to wait.

Wait for the applause to die down.

Everyone, take that one in.

I said juggernaut.

Just let it, let it lie, let it land.

No, so yes, let me.

I do need to.

I want, I need, not you need to get this out.

You and the other people should know this.

If you ever heard of or saw Children's Hospital, this is the continuation of that.

But if you haven't, it doesn't matter.

It's a new thing.

It's a half-hour action, comedy, crazy, incredible series on Netflix.

You have to check your notes there as to what it was on.

Well, we had different ideas on

PBS going to be on Netflix.

Oh, yeah.

Was it going to follow the McNeil Lair News Hour?

Just to tell you some of the cast people on New York.

Oh, yeah.

And I'll tell you if we're having any of these people on the show for what we're dubbing Medical Police Week here at Comedy Bang Bang.

And also, President Trump has said it's Medical Police Week nationwide.

That's right, nationwide, yes.

And he's going to take off all of next week

in honor of Medical Police People.

Oh, how nice of him.

Okay.

We have Aaron Hayes and Rob Hubel.

Those two are going to be on this show.

Would you believe it if I told you that?

And you're lucky for it because they're fabulous.

Yes.

Let me ask you, because I don't believe I can ask them this.

Why just them?

Was it sort of like, let's get rid of all the troublemakers on children's hospital?

We didn't get rid of the troublemakers.

What?

They're still surrounded by the original cast.

Lake Bell, Marlon Ackerman, Ken Marino, Brian Husky, Beth Dover.

Rob Cordry.

Rob Cordry.

But surely not on every episode.

Henry Winkler.

Zandy Hardig.

They're all there.

Not on every episode.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

Yeah, no, you can't do it.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, come on in here, Rob.

Can you shoot something for 15 minutes?

Rob Cordry was also one of the co-creators because he was the creator of Children's Hospital.

The devil, you say.

And so we, the same team, brought into this new series bigger, better, crazier.

It takes place in like 15 different countries.

It's like a globetrotting mission impossible.

How many countries did you actually shoot it in?

We shot it in two countries, actually.

We shot in Croatia.

Oh.

And in Los Angeles.

But the story takes place in Germany, Brazil, New Hampshire, Italy, Sudan, Georgia, France, Denmark, Florida, Latvia, California, Bhutan, and China.

Wow.

This is incredible.

And so many places to put into that final draft.

And that was the best part.

It was typing the things into final draft and then also,

we got another type into final draft.

And then you type it, you copy out, paste from final draft into the editing software.

Oh, yeah.

The letters go on screen.

It says Bhutan.

Bhutan.

And oh, that's so thrilling.

And there's a little Chiron down at the bottom of the screen.

It just says Bhutan.

Yeah.

And then suddenly you're in Bhutan.

If you're curious about this, it's www.netflix.com and then find Medical Police.

And then look up Bhutan as well.

And look up Bhutan.

Go to google.com and then enter Bhutan.

By the way, it's not just the original cast of Children's Hospital.

What?

We, oh my goodness.

Are you reading a press release?

I'm not.

I'm just, this is just something that I'm thinking about.

If I, let me just say this: if I had nothing to do with this show and you are my own brother, I would give you the same advice.

You would still bug me to come on the show to promote this?

I would, I absolutely would.

Because I'm not sure.

At six o'clock at night, the latest we've we've ever done a show?

Because I'm a fan of the product.

I use it myself.

What?

Yes.

You're also a member?

So much so, I bought the company.

Can I tell you, Jason Schwartzman is one of the main characters.

What?

What a delightful man.

Fred Melmed.

Saryu Blue.

I mean, it's like...

Start

talking about people people care about, though.

If you don't know.

Fred Melman?

Fred Melmed.

Melmed?

You know him from the.

stars.

I'm sure I do, but who gives a shit?

Come on, give me the big stars.

Well, I told you.

Yeah, you already told me.

Yeah, yeah.

You told me the people.

Yeah.

But then you were like...

Henry Winkler.

He just wanted Emmy.

But these are all the people who used to be on the show.

Then you were like, not only that, but we have Fred Melmed?

I mean, Fred Melman's great.

Don't get me wrong.

But like, let's quit.

I'm at Jason Schwartzman.

Okay, stop at Jason Schwartzman.

How about Tom Cruise?

Holy shit.

Tom Cruise is in this?

How about Tom Cruise and Leonardo DiCapio?

Now you feel like shit.

Whoa.

Now you feel like shit, don't you?

i feel i'm sorry leave you want me to go i'll take over all right this is comedy bang bang

oh shit come back please come back okay i'm back okay i knew you couldn't do it oh my god i'm i've choked can i ask you a real question about this show yeah why is it not called drpd

drpd drpd medical police because we assume the internet will take up that mantle oh okay you think that we want them to feel like it's organic Okay, great.

When they do, but you're going to start planting this in little places?

Yeah, like I wondered why you asked me to ask you this.

Right.

What I do is I go to ski places and then I like pee in the snow, D-R-P-D.

Okay.

And then people are like, oh, that's organic, but that does remind me of medical pleasure.

It truly is.

It's the definition of organic.

I believe P is organic, is it not?

I could look it up.

But why bother?

Well, let's bother.

All right, let's look it up.

All right.

Let's ask Siri.

Siri, is P organic?

Here's what I found.

She doesn't say anything, by the way, anymore.

She just says, Here's what I found.

I want her to tell me.

I think what she meant is, this is what I have found, yes.

You know what?

Urine is a liquid byproduct of metabolism in humans and in many animals.

So there's your answer, right?

There's your answer.

You know,

I'm not a vegetarian, but I'm vegetarian-ish.

Okay.

Like, I'll eat chicken and fish.

Sure, and beef and pork.

and

but not every

day.

I mean three times a day, maybe.

Three times a day.

But not for fourth meal.

Sometimes, well,

fourth meal or a snack?

Which is it?

Okay.

All right, David.

I don't know.

That's the Fred Melmud of jokes.

You should have just stopped a little bit earlier.

He's a great actor.

No, he's wonderful.

But I don't know why you got to bring him in here into the conversation.

I wanted to bring him into it.

Okay.

So this is uh by the way this is out already on uh it just came out on friday yes and it has already been certified a hit it is uh certified fresh uh you hope it'll get reviews nothing gets reviewed anymore have you noticed that like you put out a tv show and people are like oh that might have come out but nothing ever you you know what i'm saying well it's just we are one of seven or eight uh new series debate debuted on netflix on friday debut that's a hard word to say isn't it debut it is a hard word to say and yet we have to say it all the time because we have so much stuff stuff coming out.

Especially because when you say debuted, it's spelled debuted.

Debuted.

Dasboot.

And I wish they would just say it debuted.

David, what else do you have on the horizon?

If we can talk about the horizon, are you comfortable with that subject matter?

Right now we have

in the hopper this thing, the AD Miles and I making a daily sitcom.

Yes.

I talked to him about this.

It sounds fascinating, but have you announced it?

Is it in the pilot phase?

Oh, okay.

People who read the trades know this is an exciting phase when the possibilities are endless.

It could either be made or not be made.

Yeah, but it's not worth it.

Most likely not be made.

It's possible no one will ever see it.

Sure.

Well, that's wonderful.

But let's check out what you can see, which is Medical Police, which is

currently on Netflix.

You can see it right now.

We will also be talking to the, look, the real heroes of Medical Police, two of its stars, Rob and Aaron.

We'll be talking to them a little bit later this week.

But David,

can you pause mid-heart attack?

Are you okay to

welcome another guest onto the show?

I'd love to stick around and see what happens.

Okay, great.

Our next guest is a small business owner

and they have been on the show before.

Oh, yes.

Please welcome back to the show Entre Peneur.

How are you doing, Scott?

I'm doing really well.

How are you?

I'm all right.

A little perturbed.

This is David Wayne, by the way.

Hi, David.

Nice to see you.

David Lil Wayne.

Entre-Preneur.

Has anyone ever called you that?

David Lil Wayne.

I love it.

Can that be my new moniker?

Yes.

Do you rap?

Of course.

Do you have a little penis?

I got a little penis.

Scott, have you seen yourself?

I'm not offering you suggestions.

Scott, subject matter when you rap.

Dick?

Have I seen Lil Wayne's dick?

I'm presuming.

Why would you call your dad?

Alert the press.

Why would you call yourself Lil Anything unless you had a little dick and you were proud of it?

Maybe it's a statue thing.

Lil Bow Wow.

Lil Dick.

You've seen all these dicks.

You saw my dick in the locker room before we started recording that's right we have a locker room here where we all shower before the show and we change and a lot of times we take a steam and sometimes we'll be doing the show just in towels uh today we uh we're wearing uh

you're branded by nike i can tell uh yeah you have the swoosh everywhere scott's wearing a robe but his dick is poking out

Look, that's look, I know that with Weinstein and all that, he's finally on trial, but give me something.

I can't change that quickly.

That's okay, Scott.

I'm not holding it against you.

Just want your listeners to know how you're working.

I like to hold it against you.

Okay.

How are you, Andre?

Ouch.

Okay, do you, Scott?

Yes.

I'm not interested in relations.

You're not.

Where are you?

You said you had a bone to pick with me.

Speaking of bones?

Bones.

Another bone.

A different bone.

Speaking of David Borena.

A different bone to pick.

I don't think you want your bone picked.

Do you think David Boreanis...

Anyone ever on the set of bones?

Oh, yes.

Anyone ever went up to him and said, I got a bone to pick with you?

And then they laughed and they high-five.

David, take this one.

I thought that was your new nickname for me, David Borianus.

Four moments there.

I did it.

David Boring Wayne.

Hey, wait a minute.

This is your chance.

Too close to comfort.

Hey, I'm the one with the small dick.

Oops.

Oh, no.

Hi, Andre.

Hi.

You know, Scott, my bone to pick with you is that you call me a small business owner.

I'm not a business owner.

I'm an inventor.

You are an inventor.

I'm an original ideas.

I'm sorry.

You have never, you don't have a small business where you have the capital in order to make these.

I'm seeking capital.

You need the capital.

And David Wayne, by the way,

a lot of passive income from his various projects.

I do a lot of seeding, financial seed money that I put in escrow until

you plant a few seeds, watch these babies grow.

But if you have something to pitch, I'd be willing to put in...

A couple million dollars to hear the pitch.

Okay.

Just to hear the pitch.

Just to hear the pitch.

I have lost a lot of money this time.

I typically accept Bitcoin, but I will take a couple million.

I will take a couple million.

It's going to take me just a little bit to put together the cash.

That's a lot of money.

You have a lot of,

like we mentioned, passive income, but you're not really entirely liquid.

You are tending to.

Well, I want aggressive income.

Okay.

I don't know that I'm that liquid.

I do.

I have hobbies, but go on.

Okay.

Okay, now Entre.

Yes, Scott.

I should warn you, David, that Entre's been on the show before.

Okay.

And Andre tends to.

Why does that require a hornin?

What did she just say?

Why does that require a warning?

Consider myself horned.

You are a whorned.

Why do you feel you need to horn them?

Well,

I just, your ideas have never borne fruit necessarily into.

Have you borne fruit?

I don't know exactly what you're talking about.

Well, I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you want me to part this rope?

If you were a woman, you wouldn't know what it is to bore fruit.

And just to be clear, David, Huayne, I'm not a woman.

Okay.

There's a bit of discrepancy in our memories about that.

About whether you're a wolf.

I believe, if I'm not mistaken, I believe I am a man.

Okay.

And my belief is that may not have been established.

You know, well, Scott, consider an established.

But for 2020.

2020, it's a new decade.

Andre Peneur is a gentleman who has come in here and has pitched us various things.

And the one problem that I would say, Andre, is that you tend to pitch the air.

You're a hater.

Aside from that problem, what else?

You tend to pitch.

Well, I don't even want to spoil it because I want David to just have a fresh

air.

It's a bit pitched fresh, or else that it's clouds my judgment.

Fresh pitch for you, David Lil White.

Okay,

so

I'm thinking of something.

I'd like your $2 million.

What it is, is something that is rectangular in shape.

Okay, well,

I'm with you so far.

So far.

I'm picturing it.

Is it two-dimensional or are we talking three-dimensional?

Depends on the version you want.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Rectangular in shape, and then there's another rectangular shape underneath of it.

I might like it.

I like the 2D version.

Just not to jump ahead, but I'm liking the.

But go on.

But you're imagining the 2D version of this.

Yeah.

Okay, great.

So it's rectangular.

Two rectangular

stacked on each other, kind of like a cake.

Your mother might bake you.

Hers would be circular.

These would be rectangular.

Although

they do make rectangular cake pans.

I have never seen.

I have seen rectangular cakes, but not usually.

Where?

You know, everywhere.

Sheet cakes.

Where?

All cakes.

Shitcakes.

Do you have an issue with sheetcakes?

Shitcakes.

No, my shit cakes usually come out more cylindrical.

Shitcakes is, I know what shit cakes is.

I have a friend who dealt with someone who was suffering from shitcakes.

Oh, no.

That person had trouble wiping after pooping.

Trouble.

So, trouble.

With a capital T that rhymes with P.

Okay, Pubble.

That stands for poo.

Poop.

Well, listen, Scott, you're confusing me here, okay?

Look, shitcakes is actually a serious illness.

I don't mean to make light of whatever.

You have trouble wiping the excretion.

I don't know why you're talking about your friend as if they're here in the room.

Well, I mean,

I just want to stand for something.

because if you don't stand for something, you will fall for most other things.

Other things, yes.

So you're thinking of two rectangles.

Two rectangles stacked upon each other.

You would sleep on these rectangles.

Oh,

they might have springs inside depending on the version you order.

Oh.

Okay.

Go with me here.

I know.

And these can be two-dimensional rectangles that you're sleeping on?

Depending on how you want.

I will say the two-dimensional is cheaper than the three-dimensional.

I think you're talking about a sheet of paper when you're thinking of two-dimensional.

Well, even that has dimension.

Oh, my goodness.

It's the heart attack.

Oh, he's got shitcakes here.

Oh, no, he's got shitcakes.

And I'm having shitcakes.

Okay.

Shitcakes on top of a heart attack?

Does everyone here, do you mind if I wipe?

Yeah, go ahead.

I don't mind if you, I would prefer.

We had a wiping expert in here a few months back who could have talked you through this process.

Listen, oh, I take a lot of pitches for a lot of business ideas, and I'm just going to stop you here just to ask a question, and don't be offended.

Can you please get your hand off my shoulder?

You wiped with that one.

You didn't wash it.

All right, here's my other hand.

Okay.

It sounds like you're maybe talking about a mattress.

What is that?

Can I just say, David, Andre's problem is he comes in here and he pitches things that already exist.

Oh, I see.

So it does sound like the pitch was for a mattress.

Let me be perfectly clear.

Scott claims they've existed.

I've never seen them.

I've never seen any of the things.

Then why would you think that it was rectangle?

Because it's a new idea.

It could be any shape, but I chose rectangle.

Well, I'm going to say this.

I have in my home something very similar to what you described.

It is a mattress.

I laid down on it last night, and after about an hour of reading and a little TV.

What were you reading, by the way?

You seem like a smart guy.

Was it the paper of record?

Yes, Instagram.

And I have this thing.

And as I said, last night, I was in there.

I'm laying down.

And after a while, the lights are out, and I was unconscious out

like a light-like that light that you were just talking about.

Yes, like a light, yes, like a light.

I'm referencing a song I just heard today called Sicko Mode.

Oh, Sicko Mode by Travis Scott, Travis Dollar Sign Cot,

exactly, yes,

Travis Dollar Sign Cot featuring Aubrey Graham.

Yes, yes, Aubrey Graham, Aubrey Graham, of course, son of Billy Graham.

Of the pastor.

Yeah.

Are you going to invest or not, Mr.

Winter?

I cannot commit to investing, but I will give you the $2 million for listening to the pitch because I promised I would.

Thank you so much.

Wow.

This is huge for me.

This is huge.

But I do have a question, and I have to throw it your way.

Sure.

Is it going to be a check that I'm going to need to write?

Do you have a cashier's cash check?

Or is it a cashier's check?

Or can I give you a cat?

Will you take a traveler's check?

I've never really had money before, so I'm not sure how to accept.

And also, this feels wrong to me the more I think about it.

I shouldn't accept money for an invention he's not going to take home.

And one that he ostensibly already has.

Right.

You know what?

I am writing you right now.

I don't want it.

I don't want it.

I'm a person of integrity.

I don't want it.

If you're not interested in, I don't want handouts.

This

is a good question.

Thanks for meeting with me, then think about it as that.

And you can use it for whatever you want.

Oh, my God.

No strings attached.

And you know what I want to do with it?

Rip it the hell up.

No.

Yeah, because you know what?

I'm a person of integrity.

$2 million.

I'm a person of integrity, Scott.

I've got another invention for you.

Okay?

All right.

Maybe you'll be interested in this one.

Let me ask, is it a rectangular thing that you write like a promise of money on?

You know what?

Scott?

You're wrong.

And you're going to hell.

Oh, no.

And you heard it here first.

You always will.

The Bible says that you will go to hell if you misguess what the picture says.

That's exactly what my Bible says.

And that you'll hear it, not from God.

that's what my

do you know about who wrote my bible who wrote your bible nicholas cannon what yes nicholas from drumline from drumline and mass singer he wrote from drumline to mass singer the nicholas cannon story exactly that is my bible everything in between

listen i i don't think you've ever read the book

okay what are you pitching

it's something

rectangular bass the bass excuse me hear me out okay everything's a bit of a rectangle well you seem to you seem to focus primarily, if I may be so bold, on rectangular things.

Because I think when you pitched us a hospital.

Sure.

It was basically a rectangle.

Was it a rectangle?

I think it was.

No offense, Scott.

A lot of things are rectangular.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

No offense.

Many things are born of a rectangle.

Many things are born of a rectangle.

Rectangular base.

Okay.

It's going to be connected to the ground.

Okay.

We'll maybe do some molding around it connected to the ground.

And then another rectangle upright

on another side connected to the ground.

It's like an upside-down T.

I'm just sketching this out.

Exactly.

Exactly.

Then we're going to...

It's sort of like the Titan's Tower from the Teen Titans, but upside down.

Right.

Yes.

Or Mr.

T without the Mr.

and upside down.

Sure.

Do you know that Mr.

T cereal?

I was talking about this with a previous guest.

Oh, yeah, that ongoing episodic story about Mr.

T?

No, no,

breakfast cereal.

Oh, okay.

Okay, got it.

How disappointed.

Did you ever eat any of it?

Every morning.

How disappointed were you when you open it up and it's just cereal in the shape of a tea?

And it's not cereal in the shape of Mr.

T.

Oh, right.

You buy it expecting it's going to be him with the mohawk and everything, and then it's just

teas.

I probably have three, four bowls of that every morning, and I never know.

You never look down at it?

No.

That could be something.

Because I eat before I turn the lights on.

I always forget the order.

Oh, you and your lights.

The ones that went out the night before.

Like a light.

Okay, Travis copped.

Travis dollar sign cop.

So I'm liking this pitch so far.

Okay.

Two rectangular

to throw it out there like an upside-down time mount sign on a sports field right okay okay so you know what a sports field is of course come on you know the rules I'm not a damned idiot okay I'm not a stupid okay the top of it is an oval a top a top of the upside down you're so focused on shapes are you what do you have against shapes you're a shapes

your shape is a rectangle and then another rectangle then an oval

we have an upside down t

the oval is kind of on, is not upright, per se.

It's on its side.

Oh.

Sort of like the basis.

Anyway, are you pitching the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

No, no, Scott.

No, I would never.

That exists already.

Why would I pitch that?

This is a basketball hoop.

No.

You're going to sit on top of it and let your dookie out.

Let your pee-pee out.

And then there's

let your outlet.

Why do you want to talk about rectangles when you're pitching a toilet?

I don't have a name for it, Scott.

Thank you.

That's brilliant.

I love it.

Toilet.

It exists.

It exists.

Never heard of it.

Never heard of it.

You don't use a toilet?

Never heard of it.

What do you use?

To do what?

What you just said?

The dookies.

The dookies?

When I dookies.

To doys.

I do it right where I am.

Wherever I find myself.

Wherever you lay your hat?

Wherever I lay my hat.

Is your home?

Yes.

Which is never near a toilet?

I don't know what that is.

If y'all want to call it a toilet, I don't know.

What is your house like?

You don't have a mattress?

You you don't have a toilet where do you live where do i live with my mother

well she well that that explains it that explains she's dead i don't own a home she's dead she's dead but she still lives there no i just call it her house but so you know what a house is because i think you pitched me those ones Is that what that's called?

Yes.

Okay.

I love the sound of it.

I love to see it.

What kind of house doesn't have a toilet?

I mean, I understand not having a bed.

I've never seen one of those before, personally.

David just drew

David drew

a birdhouse.

Thank you, David.

You're right.

You're right.

A birdhouse doesn't have a toilet.

David drew what looks like a vanity mirror.

So you know what a vanity mirror is.

That's so alarming to you, Scott.

What if you're in your bathroom?

What?

A vanity and that's it?

I'm saying.

What about sinks?

A vanity

and a sink.

One sink.

Do you know what sinks are?

Sure, yes.

Do you know what plumbing is?

What is, no?

Why do you have to complicate things?

Where does the water go in your sink?

I don't know.

Do you know?

It disappears?

Where does your water go in your sink?

Where exactly does it end up, Scott?

Go, you have two seconds.

In the Pacific Ocean.

Oh, interesting.

All I know is if someone said to me, describe a toilet, I would say an upside-down tea with an oval

on top.

If y'all think it should be called a toilet, I'm happy to give you 50% equity in this idea.

Should it get...

No, I need sweat equity.

Yeah, I definitely need sweat equity.

Sweat quitty.

Yeah, and I also need money into in subordinated funds in escrow.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I'm with David on all this.

Oh, sure.

What if I said sure?

Okay, sign the long form.

Okay, where's the triplicate?

It's right here.

In triplicate.

Here it is.

Okay.

I'm happy to sign it.

Thank you.

All right.

Thank you.

Just sign it there.

All right.

Great.

There.

Great.

Okay.

Sorry.

Initial here.

Okay.

Right there.

Okay.

Initial here.

Okay.

Initial there.

Can't you just copy it?

Copy the.

sorry, no.

Okay.

This is what it is.

If you want to be an inventor, this is what it takes.

Signing the long form.

Okay.

Okay.

Initial here.

Okay.

Initial here.

Okay.

Sir, we are in business.

So we have to.

Thank you for signing the long form.

I didn't think you would really do it.

Done.

Done and done.

Let's all shake hands.

Done.

I will not.

Your hand is sweaty and he has shit on his on his shaking hand.

That is true.

He is a sweaty, too.

I'm not worried about the sweat.

I think shit Trump sweat.

Let me check that.

Shit Trump sweats sweat at all times.

Get that on a t-shirt.

2020.

Shit.

Shit, Trump.

Trump.

Shrimp.

Sweat.

Shrimp.

Siri, does shrimp, Trump, sweat.

Shrimp, Trump, sweat.

Shrimp, slub, sweat.

Here's what I found.

Oh, here's what I found.

I just wanted to say it.

She won't say it.

Investigating and documenting.

Tell her to say it.

Try telling her to say it.

Say it.

Siri, say it.

Siri, does shrimp, trump, sweat, and say it.

She doesn't.

She won't say it.

She doesn't respect you, Siri.

She doesn't respect me.

She doesn't respect.

Scott, Scott, how does it feel to live with an assistant that doesn't respect you?

I don't necessarily live with Siri.

You're gonna say she doesn't come home with you every single day.

That's true.

She's by my bed at night.

I live with my personal assistant.

Yeah, she's a cat.

I like the sound of that.

She's trying to trick you.

I like the sound of that.

You didn't follow it.

I'm no fool, Scott.

You didn't volunteer.

All right, look.

We need to take a break.

All right.

When we come back, we have a lawyer.

Oh,

maybe the lawyer's going to.

Okay, but if we take a break, am I allowed to hook up with other people?

All right.

The friends' rules apply.

I'd like a break.

You'd like a break?

All right, we were on a break.

Here we go.

We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here.

Another episode of Wayne Scotting, currently in production.

That is, of course, when David Wayne and myself get together.

We always call it Wayne Scotting.

Is that not true?

Yes, but my close friends, which I now consider you when call me Jimmy.

Oh, I'd never heard that before.

So you just started considering me to be a close friend?

It's a common nickname for David.

Jimmy.

Yeah, Jimmy.

I think Jimmy is short.

It's like a nickname for James.

My friends call me Jimmy.

Jimmy?

Yeah.

Jimmy Wayne?

Jimmy Two Times.

Jimmy Two Times?

Wait, I need to say Jimmy twice?

That's nothing to do with it.

So just Jimmy Two Times.

I don't need to say Jimmy Jimmy.

No, yeah, that's not the words.

It's T-O-O-T-I-M-Z.

Is that long for TMZ?

Yeah.

So I've been working.

So you're Jimmy two TMZs?

Yeah, because I've been working for two different TMZ offices as an intern.

How many offices do they have as an intern?

They have four offices, and I've been working on

it.

Basically, do runs between two of the the offices.

Okay, Jimmy Two Times is over here.

And Medical Police, currently on Netflix, you can watch the shit out of that, but don't watch all of them before you hear our

enticing interview with two of the stars.

I got to say, a buddy of mine,

when there's a whole set of episodes available on Netflix, he watched the whole thing.

He calls it binge binging.

He's like, I'm going to binge the whole thing.

As if he's having a food binge, but it's with.

What are people going to watch your show on?

I just realized.

What are people going to watch your show on?

Well, there's people going to watch it.

There's this rectangle.

That's what I'm thinking.

Scott, that's what I'm thinking.

Scott, do you want to go in business with me?

It's a rectangle with a plug that goes in the wall.

I like that.

I like that.

And projects an image.

Yeah, it definitely projects an image.

It can be big or small.

I don't do the science of it.

Yeah, you don't do any of the science.

No, I don't do the science.

I hire people to do the science.

This is Andre P.

Newer, by the way, a so-called inventor, although.

Scott, why do you bring me on your show to insult me?

I don't bring you on this show.

You show up.

You begged me to come.

All right, I did.

Yeah, you begged me to come here.

I said, Scott, I don't know.

It seems to always be contentious.

By the way, I want to do something called purge watching.

What's purge watching?

I watch the purge watch.

Just the purge.

Back-to-back.

I want to do something called Game of Thrones watching.

Whoa, that sounds pretty good.

I'd like to do why you're watching.

I don't know.

Oh, why you are watching or why you're watching?

Why are you.

You haven't seen The Wire?

Oh my God.

You haven't seen The Wire?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

You got to watch The Wire.

Best rectangular programs.

Skip the first five seasons.

Although it was square.

It was square, and then they turned it into rectangle.

So, okay.

I like this.

We're evolving.

Scott, do you want to invest?

In you watching The Wire?

In this rectangular thing for his program.

How are people going to watch?

I'm worried about you.

I'll pay you to watch The Wire, but that's as far as I go.

You'll pay me how much?

I'll pay you $1 per wire.

Per Wire?

And what is one wire equivalent to?

One wire equals one episode.

I believe 10 episodes.

Okay, that's not fair.

Now who's the one who's square?

All right, look, we need to get to our next guest.

He is a lawyer.

Please welcome to the show, Italiano Jones.

Hello, thank you for having me.

My name is Italiano Jones, and I will fight for you.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

I work for the law offices of Italiano Jones and Associates and other miscellaneous items.

Hmm.

Okay.

That sounds great.

What type of cases?

By the way, this is Entrepreneur.

How are you doing, young sir?

How are you?

I'm Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones and Law Services and Miscellaneous Other Items.

Mm-hmm.

And this is David Wayne.

Hello, David.

Of Wayne Scottie.

Jimmy 2 TMZ.

It seems like your law firm changed its name in the last couple of minutes.

How dare you?

My law offices never change their name.

We will fight for you.

I heard that you came here in the Ammolamps.

Yes, I did.

Would you like...

Did they?

Can you spell AMOLAMPS?

I will spell it for you, absolutely.

Amalamps.

A-M-B-U-L-A-N-C-E.

Amolamps.

He's right.

Whoa, Black Betty.

Ama lamps.

You're at a law office job.

Sounds like I found my lawyer.

Would you not agree an ambulance is a very rectangular vehicle?

Yes.

They mostly are rectangles.

But in Europe.

Those exist.

You know about those.

Yeah.

In Europe, they are oblong.

Are they now?

Yes, I would know.

I am from Italy.

You are?

Yes.

I wondered, Italiano Jones is at a nickel.

Why do you sound like you're from Chicago?

It is a family name from Italy.

I am from Italy.

What part of Italy are you from?

Tuscany.

And why is your family name your first name?

That's how we do things in Italy.

Oh, I see.

I wasn't aware of that.

Can you spell it?

In other words, everyone in Italy is called Italiano or something.

Can you spell it?

Can't you spell it?

I-T-A-L-Y.

Italy.

What type of law do you practice, Italiano?

I practice all types of law.

Do you have a case?

Are you in any type of trouble?

Have you been injured in an accident?

Have you been injured in a self-inflicted wound self-inflicted who am i gonna sue if it's a self-inflicted wound we could sue thousands of people we can sue so many people who do you sue i guess

the makers of the weapon that i use we could smooth we could sue

smith and wesson we could sue just weston cooking oil it's aleano if you slipped on a bottle of weston cooking oil on the bottle itself not the product yes and you shot yourself how ironic would that be you think about this you are holding a gun and you are also frying something in your kitchen.

Why would I be doing that?

And you put the bottom of it.

Am I trying to defend myself while I'm frying?

In case you live in a rough neighborhood.

Maybe you can't find a spoon and you've got to stir with something.

Okay.

You live in South Italy.

You live in South Italy, like me.

I grew up in a rough neighborhood.

Oh, yeah.

The streets was tough.

The pointy toe of that boot?

The pointy toe of the boot, absolutely.

The pointy heel of the boot.

Did you grow up with the godfather?

I grew up with a godfather.

His name was Roy.

Not Italiano.

No, my name is Italiano.

It's a family name.

Italiano, you sound like Mike Tyson.

SC Johnson and Wax.

It's a family company.

You sound like Mike Tyson.

You ever heard of Mike Tyson?

Mike Tyson, yes, I love him.

Yeah, what do you love him for?

I love him.

What part of his career?

Be careful now.

What do you love?

You know, I represented him in a case.

Oh, no.

Which one?

I will tell you.

Please do.

We have a deal.

I just asked you to.

He once bought a tiger online.

Oh.

And when the box came, the tiger was not in it.

It was just a skeleton.

Oh, no.

Skeleton of a tiger or a human skeleton?

Human skeleton.

What?

It gets weirder.

And so we went and found the company that sold him the

tiger box.

The tiger box.

And he got to keep the skeleton too.

Whose skeleton did you ever feel?

It's great you fought for him, but where did the human skeleton come from?

We do not know.

We did not get that.

This is the mystery.

We did not get that evidence.

All we did was get him a real tiger and he got to keep the human skeleton and now it is up in his living room and it wears a doctor's lab coat.

I will fight for you.

Thanks to you.

Thanks to me.

So this is Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones Law, miscellaneous services and items of law.

So he has a skeleton wearing a doctor's lab coat like he's in a vaudeville sketch.

Absolutely.

We all love vaudeville.

We go to watch vaudeville movies at Mike Tyson's house all the time.

We do, really, really?

In his private theater.

Oh, I'll tell you, we watch the producers.

Oh, you ever seen this?

Entree?

The producers?

Yeah.

Never heard of it.

No?

No.

We watch the product.

The only thing I've ever seen is the watch.

I guess I was talking about a movie theater.

Oh, a theater?

Yeah.

You ever heard of that?

Describe it to me.

Right.

There's definitely a trend.

Okay.

There's a rectangular thing in the front.

I follow.

And then there's a rectangular.

There's definitely a rectangular thing

that you go through in order to get through.

I follow.

Okay.

And then what happens?

You sit down on what I could only describe as a couple of rectangles upside down.

Stop.

Everybody knows what a chair is, you dumbass.

Have you been injured in a chair?

Have you stood on top of a chair and tied a rope around your neck and jumped off?

But I will fight for you.

You will be dead.

I will fight for you.

You will be dead.

I want to sue this ambulance company that let me get out of the ambulance on the way to the hospital.

You want to sue the Amalamp?

To do a podcast.

What is the company called?

It's called, I think it's called a Gronz Ambulance.

Oh, they have that same brand in Italy.

Okay, I have sued them before, and I will sue them again because I will fight for you.

I am here from the law offices.

Yeah, we know where you're from.

It's Daliano Jones.

But it's Daliano Jones.

What kind of money am I going to get out of this?

I could get you thousands.

I could get you hundreds.

I could get you millions.

How much money do you want, David Wayne?

Thousands.

You want thousands?

You want the thousands instead of the millions?

Yeah, that's what I mean.

You're already greedy.

David Wayne, all I need is the evidence.

I have an idea.

I have an idea.

If you, maybe you and I could go into business together.

How dare you?

We're already in business together.

This is how I dare.

Okay, so maybe

you have people to sue.

We could go to a place to have these kind of suings and trials.

All right, you know what a lawsuit is, but you don't know where they take place.

A lawsuit is a silk suit you wear to a rectangle.

I do all of my suings in one courtroom.

Which one?

The L.A.

Municipal County Courtroom.

Okay, wow.

I fly all my cases.

That's a rectangular room.

I've been there.

Yeah, very rectangular.

It's almost like.

Y'all have been to this place.

It's called L.A.

Municipal.

It's like six rectangles.

Six rectangles.

Six rectangles.

Just like the Olympic logo.

And then what?

Okay.

I understand.

So some of them are stacked upon one another.

Have you ever been injured by the Olympic logo?

Did one of them fall off the Olympics and hit you in the face?

That actually did happen.

I will fight for you.

That happened to you already.

It did happen to me.

It did happen to me.

I was hit by the red ring.

Was it Alberta, 1988, the Winter olympics yes yes and perfect

perfect that is the only that is the only olympics i am allowed to preside yes and

you're not allowed to preside over any other

olympics why is that

well i have been banned from all other olympic residuals presiduals so you were allowed to sue though that particular Olympics if especially if the logo falls on somebody

also Lake Placid 1982.

Well, I was.

I was.

was i'm looking for a quick check it's a little late for lake placid but great

i was in alberta were you bitten by the big alligator in lake placid no there's a giant alligator who lives in lake placid his name is steve steve if he bites you i will fight for you

how many people has steve bitten oh steve has bitten thousands of people thousands everybody who goes to lake placid to ice skate and the ice is never hard enough and they fall through but just just for conflict of interest reasons i have to ask, have you ever defended Steve?

I have never defended Steve in the court of law.

I have, however, defended Steve to his mother when he came out.

Out of the closet?

Yes.

What did you say to Steve's mother?

What a good friend you are.

She was very upset with Steve when he came out because she is a homophobe.

And I said,

they're both alligators, right?

Yes.

And she said,

what is your point, David, that alligators can't be homophobes?

Well, now, wait a minute.

Don't drag me into this.

Drag him, Scott.

Drag him.

Cancel him.

Drag him stay.

I feel like all alligators can do what they please as long as they don't eat me.

Drag him.

So you think they can be homophobes?

You want them to be homophobes?

Now, wait a second here.

Somebody is about to get canceled.

Italiano, can I sue Scott for entrapment?

You absolutely can.

Oh, no.

Where are you going to do the suing?

Do it.

I have a new space for you.

A new space.

It's a rectangle.

I won't do six because that is excessive.

We only need one rectangle.

You can enter in that rectangle, there'll be other rectangles.

Why would you need to enter if there's just one on the ground?

Well, it's gonna be sort of a three-dimensional rectangle, which I have now learned, thanks to your wonderful listeners, is a cuboid.

So, cuboid.

Cuboid.

Cuboid.

Oh, cuboid.

Boyd, please get on your mark.

Okay.

So

boy,

anyway, we we don't need to bother ourselves with boyd but

it's a cuboid you'd enter inside there will be a judge yes i've heard of a judge scott don't you dare start to ask me i've heard of a judge where do you think a judge usually works a judge usually works from home from home

until your innovation which you're in the middle of pitching exactly why would a judge who gets to work from home right want to travel to another place i would think that's one of the benefits of most judges a home-based judge scott most judges are unsuccessful.

The legal system is going to shit in this country.

Because of lack of cuboid rooms.

Because there are not enough cuboid rooms in which to hold suings.

You think the legal system is going to hell here?

The legal system is going to hell, just like you, Scott.

You are going to hell in a handbasket with gasoline draws on.

Luckily.

Light them up.

I am friends with many judges.

Sis.

You're friends with many jerges?

I am friends with many judges.

Spell judges.

Spell judges.

J-U-D-G-S.

Do you feel like the judges' problem is that they're all working from home?

That's the problem with our legal system.

They all work from home.

I'm so sorry.

Speaking of winning the suit, I've been meaning to announce this.

There is going to be a suit that I'm going to be giving away to one of your lucky listeners.

You're giving away a...

And you can win the suit.

Meaning a dress suit?

Yeah, it's a three-piece suit.

Three pieces.

A felt.

So we're talking vest, pants, and jacket.

Pants, jacket.

Wipe me down.

It's a two-button suit.

Yeah, wipe it down.

She's already all wet over there.

He is.

He is.

Come on, David.

Please stop misgendering me in 2020.

I said he will represent you.

So misgendering.

I'm taking you to court.

We go into court.

If any listeners do want to win this suit,

how do they get involved in this contest?

There's going to be the fifth caller we're taking right now at our 800 number.

We're taking calls right now?

Yep.

Okay.

All right.

Let's go to the phones here.

Caller, are you there?

Hello.

Hi, you're caller number one.

Sorry, Click.

All right, let's go to the phones.

Hello?

Hi.

Color, you're

color number two.

Oh, cool.

You don't win.

Bye.

Caller, are you there?

Your mother's a jerk.

My mother's a jerk.

Well, fuck you.

You're caller number three.

You're caller number three.

Click.

Caller, are you there?

I'm on the radio with T-Pain.

No, T-Pain's not around.

But you're only caller number four.

You were so close.

All right, bye.

Click.

Caller, are you there?

911, what's your emergency?

Hey, this is caller number five.

Wait,

I think the phone lines got crossed here.

911, what's your emergency?

We accidentally called 911.

What's your emergency?

What's your emergency?

Ma'am, can I get your name?

Because you have just won a suit.

Sharon, I hope, well, that's amazing.

What's your emergency?

It's a three-piece suit.

Does that change your tune at all?

Oh, okay.

Vest included.

I love that.

A lot of suits are only two pieces these days.

Okay, all right.

But do you have an emergency?

I guess it's an emergency that we get this suit to you, isn't that right?

I called you.

Isn't that something?

Wait, is this Sharon?

Yeah.

Sharon from 911 italiano this is italiano jones of italiano jones lost i thought you were never gonna talk to me again i'm sorry i said that i'm pregnant

what scott hang up the phone

hanging up the phone this is juicy hang up the phone scott italiano i'm pregnant i'm i'm seven and a half months pregnant i've been you're ready to go i'm ready to go the

is it italiano's baby i i do believe so i've only ever slept with

i believe so i've only ever slept with italiano he told me he was shooting blanks.

That is correct.

I do shoot blanks.

But this date, the blanks fired.

Just like if you were cooking

in your kitchen.

Why is every one of your lawsuits cooking related?

What are we going to do?

What are we going to do?

Well, now that you have the suit, I think that solves it.

You can get married.

I'd love to marry.

I would love to marry you in this suit.

That suit is worth thousands.

Use that for the baby.

Scott, hang up the phone.

Not hanging up the phone.

Taliano.

You're a deadbeat dad.

I liked you.

You told me that every woman you met to this point thought you were stupid, didn't take you seriously, and that you appreciated that I saw your worth and your intelligence and what made you unique and special.

And then you left.

I did appreciate it.

He confided into me that he did not want to feel like he was associated with a 911 operator as his main squeeze.

Oh,

really?

That is what you call it.

That is what I'm doing.

I help people.

I help people.

I also help people.

Have you ever been injured?

How is that a conflict of interest if you're both helping people?

Because I work against them.

I am.

So you sued 911.

I am going to sue 911.

Oh, yo, I'm getting calls for other emergencies at this point.

So if you could take my number down.

You don't have an emergency.

Yo, Italiano, please take my number down.

Call me again.

It's 911.

I will not be able to award the suit.

I'm sorry, just looking at the bylaws unless you give me your full address right now.

Okay, my full address, David.

Hang up the phone.

My full address, Italiano.

I'd love to to see you.

I'm located at 5959 Emergency Lane.

Emergency Lane?

How I rock that?

That's where the dispatch.

It's hell funny and goofy.

Emergency laid.

Always make...

911's gotta be funny.

Los Angeles, California.

91169.

All right, you'll expect that.

911 and then a 69?

Is that what you guys were involved in?

Yeah, it was an emergency.

He called me.

He said he had an emergency.

This is how it works.

It turned into a 69.

It turned into a full-blown full-blown 69.

Don't let people tell you that you cannot get someone pregnant doing 69.

You absolutely can.

She just went down the wrong pipe.

I went down the wrong pipe.

She started to cough, and now she is saying, I don't know this now.

No, look, we need to take a break.

The suit is on its way to the side.

The suit is on its way.

$39.99 shipping and handling.

Shipping and handling.

Well, that's okay with you, but

please stay on the line if you can.

I know there's some.

Other emergencies calling.

But we're going to be right back with more company bang bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back with David Wayne, Medical Police.

Yes.

DRPD.

One of the co-creators and executive producers of McDonald's.

And also one of the stars.

One of the stars.

uh and uh editing directing you know it's like they call me a jack of all trades why because i do it all more like a jimmy uh of all tmzs yes that i right jimmy teet jimmy two targets right right because i make those runs from one tmz office to the other you sure do and if you know los angeles i go from east side to west side everywhere in the 30 mile zone only only la people will understand that one oh definitely we also have italiano jones is here and uh hello he's very nervous.

This is Italiano Jones of Italiano Jones and Associates considering law and miscellaneous items upon judgment.

And we also have Entre Pinure.

How are you doing?

Yes.

And then we have, what was your name, ma'am, on 911?

Shit.

Sharon.

Scott, hang up the phone.

I will not hang up the phone.

I swear to God, you hang up that phone.

That suit is.

I'm seven and a half months pregnant.

I just want Italiano to step up to the plate and be the father I know he can be.

I am no longer allowed to have children.

But it's too late.

Is that one of the judgments that happened in one of your suits?

There is one of the judgments.

So a judge said to you,

a lawyer, that you're no longer allowed to have children.

Yes.

For how bad you were at being a lawyer?

No, I am great at that.

I will fight for you.

Your client is going to jail for 10 years, and the lawyer is no longer allowed to have children.

This is draconian.

I will fight for you, Scott.

Was that even?

Fight for yourself.

Fight for your ability to have children.

I think it comes from your rights.

Italiano, please.

I'm begging you.

This baby's going to be stupid like you.

How dare you?

You're stupid.

This baby can't take care of itself.

It's going to be stupid.

This baby is going to be stupid.

When this baby comes out.

But two stupid people are better than one stupid person.

Isn't that right?

Yes.

I am a traveling lawyer.

You're traveling?

You only are in one one rectangle.

And that's the LA Municipal Rectangle.

I cannot be held

in a rectangle.

I am a traveling lawyer.

I will fight for you.

Have you ever been injured?

We know everything about what you.

Have you ever walked onto a plane and decided to make an instant meal?

I would like to create something.

Oh, no.

I guess.

Is it a cuboid?

No.

Much to your chagrin, no.

Is it some sort of oblong thing with a couple of

triangles on the side?

It's abstract.

Okay.

Because I see a problem, and that's what I do.

I see problems and I create solutions.

Okay.

So far, you have not helped me at all in creating solutions.

So, Sharon.

Sharon, can you hold on one second while Andre.

I'm getting it.

There are a few emergencies.

And

there are people calling in right now.

I have someone saying there's an intruder in their home.

Oh, no.

Well, we have a person who's about to die over here of a heart attack.

Well, then everything can pause, right?

By the way,

I really am just about to blow.

You're just about to, and Sharon is just about to blow in a different way.

I'm going to blow any day now.

But I will hold.

I'm happy to hold.

Okay.

Speaking of blowing, that's 69.

Here's my invention.

Hey, Scott, I just met you.

If you could not talk about my sex life.

I'm sorry, but I just can't change.

And I haven't.

Talk about it, Scott.

Scott, I got a call actually from your studio.

What?

You're at my rectangle?

Your rectangle.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your rectangle.

I don't get that.

You know, okay.

It's an inside joke.

Well, I'm on the outside.

This is, I got a call.

Somebody, he said he didn't want to be identified, but I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to go ahead and identify him.

Oh, no.

You're outing the whistleblower.

A Kevin?

He said.

Oh, we don't have to pay attention to what Kevin says.

He said your dick was out.

You're wearing a robe and your dick was out.

Oh, well, that's just, that's an inside joke

from the show.

Okay, well, then in that case, that's fine.

We won't be sending any officers to create a good case.

Good.

Oh, good.

Okay.

Have your dick ever been out?

I will fight for you.

To do what?

You know what?

I'd love to give you a call if I could, because my dick was out about six weeks ago.

Was your dick out, David Huang?

Yeah.

Well, let me tell you something.

I will fight for you.

I still don't know.

I need to get this one off my chest.

All right, Entre.

Italiano and Sharon.

Kind woman, seem to be having an issue.

You're going to be a father, Italiano.

So I have an idea.

I'd like to get a small fee from each of you to make this thing pop.

All right.

It's called,

I don't know what to call it just yet, but

it's when a man has a child.

The child doesn't live with him.

Perhaps this child can come see you every other weekend.

That is called an abortion.

No, it's called custody.

I'm not sure that's called an abortion.

The child could come visit you.

She's he is not.

Italiano, I should say,

Martian.

Pitching,

please.

I am 60 years old.

This was a mirror.

60 years old?

You said you were shooting blanks.

I thought my eggs were dried up.

Turns out they were soaking wet.

In Italy, we like them mature.

This is a real May, December, if not January, December, romance.

Yeah, how old?

You told me you were 30, but you seem younger.

You are correct.

I am the youngest lawyer and also tallest lawyer in Italy.

I am

foot four and 23 years old.

I'm neither.

Are really two extremes.

I am the tallest man in Italy.

The tallest man in Italy is six foot four.

And your youngest lawyer is only 23?

I mean, okay.

Well, it's not it.

You go to school, you graduate 21.

I'm going to come see you at the office.

I think this is Italy.

You're going back to Italy?

Hell yeah.

I don't think this is something we need to be airing our dirty laundry on a radio show.

I told Scott to hang up the phone.

I'm sorry, I cannot comply.

What was that?

I told Scott to hang up the phone, so we did not air any dirty laundry.

Has your dirty laundry ever been aired?

I will fight for you.

Andre, wait a minute.

Do you have a trick about dirty laundry?

I do.

I do.

Let me guess.

A cuboid?

No.

With a circle on top?

Actually, it's a circle on top.

Circle on top, cuboid on the bottom.

These are great pitches.

Circle on top, cuboid on the bottom.

Do you want to draw it, David Lilhane?

Okay, we've got a circle on a top and a cuboid on the top.

David Lil Huayne.

Yep, I'm sketching it out because I like, I think visually.

Same.

Ditto.

Ditto.

If you were to sit on it, would you receive pleasure of some sort?

Oh, well, that's a bidet.

You know what a bidet is, but you don't know what a bideteth.

You know what a bidet is.

Scott, what do I look dumb to you?

That was one of the cases I just had.

Somebody was injured in a bidet accident.

Oh, no, what happened?

Yes, they were sitting on the toilet with a gun.

All right, guys.

Well, look, we're running out of time.

We just have one final feature on the show, and that's a little something called plugs.

Mmm, nice and short and and sweet.

Unlike our closing up the plug bag theme, that was doing the plugs by water aerobics.

Water aerobics.

Have you ever been injured in a water aerobics accident?

Let me guess.

You're swimming.

You have a gun?

You are swimming with that gun in case Steve, the alligator, comes out.

I get it.

This actually makes sense.

You have to shoot him.

So every time you take a stroke, you're shooting the gun.

Stroke?

Wow.

Hey, Billy Squire, great sample.

I love that you guys are making jokes, but but just know that a baby is involved here.

Yeah.

Hang up the phone, Scott.

No.

Open up the plug bag and hang up the phone.

This is your child, Italiano, and I will take you to court.

And I don't want to make this contentious, but I understand if that's what you want, that's what it's going to be.

Will you take me to court?

I will fight for you.

You'll fight for yourself.

You're going to be providing this what Andre was pitching, this custody.

I will prove that I am an unfit father and I am never to see that child ever.

Oh, that's okay.

That's the opposite of what people usually do.

All right, what are we plugging here?

David, obviously, medical police.

Well, I do want to, if this is the time to really make a plug, I want to.

You want to go hard.

Well, I just want to talk about a thing that I want people to check out.

It's that I'm involved in.

It's called Grammar Clock Chair Duck.

Grammar Clock Chair Duck.

Yeah, Grammar Clock Chair Duck.

And basically, it's a duck on a chair that's also a clock, and it helps you with grammar.

And if people would go to my website, you can order it.

And it all goes.

You can order the

charity.

charity it all goes to charity so it's a good cause so it's a chair or it's a duck yep and it's with the clock part tells the time and but is it a clock that has a duck on it

probably for christmas or new or is it a or is it a chair that has a duck on it that's holding a clock i know that it's exactly that that's exactly right okay those kind of questions that get the whole family what's it called again grammar clock chair duck grammar clock chair duck and so that's it's exactly this kind of conversation you're going to end up having with your family and it's going to be a bond Can you give these as gifts?

Yeah, it's a gift thing.

You can get them gift-wrapped, you can get them not gift-wrapped.

Do they keep until next Christmas in case I

know anyone knows?

A lot of my friends are hoarding them now because there is a half-price sale.

So there's no perishable element to this.

The duck will keep.

The duck keeps.

It's a keep duck.

Grammar Clock Chair Duck.

Grammar Chalk Clare Duck.

All right.

And Andre, what do you want to plug here?

Nothing.

Okay.

And Italiano Jones, anything?

I would like to plug the law offices of Italiano Jones and associates with Melissa Annius Items.

Yes.

Melissa Items.

And Scott, if you have ever been injured in any type of way, any type of way.

Entree.

Does it have to be gun-related?

It does not have to be, but that's preferable.

It has gun or cooking.

I specialize in those.

And when they intersect.

Also, if you would like to come out to your mother and she's a homophobe, I will break the news.

Do you have to be a crocodile?

Huh?

Huh?

Don't say, huh.

I'm trying to stall.

You know what I said.

I didn't hear what you said.

This is a true.

This is a true.

You didn't hear what you said.

Okay.

All right.

Well, I'll give you that one.

What did you say?

Never mind.

All right.

I want to plug.

I'd like to plug something.

Sharon?

I'm going to need you to step up, Italiana.

Why is she still...

Oh, no, no.

I'd like to plug, Father.

There have been so many deaths to have a cart.

You got to unplug.

I think I heard the sound of your water breaking.

It did just break, but I'm going to sit here and unplug it.

At seven and a half months, no, put it back.

You've got to premium me.

Put that baby back.

Taliano, you've got to preemie son.

Put it back up in there.

You've got a preemie son.

Put it back up in there.

Teliano.

Taliano, I'd like to plug fatherhood.

And it's underrated,

but yeah.

More people should step up.

By the way, we're all kidding around here, but it is way too often they plug preemies back up into the woman.

And we've got to stop that.

We've got to stop that.

I have horrible foundations

in the world that's called Stop Plugging Premies, SPP,

and if you're SPP.org.

Okay, if you go to STP, though, then it's like, stop it.

Right.

And if you go to STL

in a puddle of STP brand oil,

most of your accidents seem to be oil-related or gun-related.

All right.

Look, I have nothing to plug.

Watch the Between Two Ferns movie if you haven't on

Your Rectangle at Home.

Oh, thank you, Dave.

Also on Netflix.

Also on Netflix.

If you're spending a day at Netflix, watch Medical Police first, but then go spend an hour and a half with the Between Two Ferns movie.

All right, let's hear that new closing up the plug bag theme.

You start with a C when you wanna close it up.

You lead with an L and then you

up the plug bag,

open

up plug bags.

Shake your hands and open it up.

Then Horatio comes in, and he just says,

Benoit online

in an age of paradise.

Open up the plug back,

and open it up and plug back.

Open it up.

Open up the plug bag.

Open it up.

Get some plug.

Open up the plug bag.

Open up the plug bag.

Everybody wants to open up the plug bag.

Just keep it fucking open up the plug.

Open up the plug bag.

Open up the plug bag.

Open up the plug.

Open it up.

Okay.

Can I ask a canonical question?

Sure.

What do you gotta tell you?

Why do they say open up the plug bag when we are closing it?

Oh, everyone always has this.

I don't know.

It's been happening for eight years, I believe.

Maybe opposites attract.

Okay.

Hey, DJ Scott Cat.

Speaking of eight years.

What about it?

Hang on the phone, Scott.

What about eight years?

It's gonna be eight plus ten.

Yeah, eight plus ten.

That's eight.

Until you're no longer responsible.

I'm about to take my gun to the bathroom.

Please don't.

Don't bring the oil in there either.

I'm taking this STP and this Wesson.

No, I'm going to cook.

No, please don't.

In the bathroom.

Look, guys, I want to thank you, David.

Please don't make it another two years or however long it's been since another episode of Wayne Scotting.

We got to keep this going.

You let me know.

I'm here, buddy.

All right.

Very good.

And Entre.

Yes, Scott.

Another swing and a miss.

I don't know that I missed.

I got $2,000 and I ripped it up right in front of the swing.

You got $2 million.

$2 million.

Excuse me.

Wow, that is thousands.

It really is.

Italiano, thank you so much.

Thank you for having me, Scott.

And remember, I will fight for you.

Yeah, I do remember that.

And Sharon.

Sharon, do you remember that?

Yeah.

David, do you remember that?

Yeah.

Yeah, a buddy of mine told me that a thousand, thousand is a million.

No, I don't think so.

Well,

you guys, while you guys are having fun and games, I just gave birth to a son, Italiano Jr.

I am going to name him after you.

You cannot deny him.

Wait a second.

This baby is green and scaly and long.

Looks just like you.

He looks like Steve.

That looks like Steve.

Wait.

Steve, though.

Wait a minute.

The gay alligator?

Yeah, I'm the gay alligator.

I don't think he's gay.

Well, I have a confession.

I did let a gay Gator smash.

I do have good Gator Gator.

All right, we'll see you next time.

Bye.

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