Bonus Bang: Live at the Bell House Pt 1 (Hot 4 Scott)

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ABC Wednesday, Shifting Gears is back.

It has arisen.

Tim Allen and Kat Dennings return in television's number one new comedy.

What what?

With a star-studded premiere, including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis, and

hey, buddy!

A big home improvement reunion.

Welcome.

Oh, boy.

That guy's a tool.

Shifting Gears, Season Premiere Wednesday, 8-7 Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

Hey, everyone, this is Scott Auckerman, and welcome to another bonus bang, where we are re-releasing great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall.

Now, this is your host, Scott Ackerman.

I mentioned that already, but it's so nice I had to say it twice.

And we have reached the final episode in our series that we're calling Hot for Scott.

Scott?

You mean like me?

No, of course, Adam Scott.

Adam Scott, our good friend, friend,

who we saw at the Emmys.

I'm taping this in advance of the Emmys, but congratulations, or I'm sorry to him.

Sorry to this man.

Either one, whatever applies.

But we took this opportunity to re-release great episodes that he has been on with us.

Now, this week we're re-releasing the episode called Live at the Bell House Part 1.

This was originally released April 25th, 2023 as episode 808.

This is a live episode that we did for the Comedy Bang Bang book, which came out a couple years ago.

And

this is at the Bellhouse in Brooklyn, New York.

It also features Jason Manzoukis, Paul F.

Tompkins as Big Chunky Bubbles, Mike Hanford as John Lennon, and our good friend from

blank check, Griffin Newman as Silver Screen Sammy.

And this is a very, very funny episode.

Everyone's great in this.

Now, if you enjoy it and you want to hear other fantastic episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

We have all of the past episodes from the archives, every single live show we've done, add free new episodes, and original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

New York City, thank you so much.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Welcome to the Bell House.

You can teach an old dog new tricks.

No, fucked it up already.

I feel like Chris Rock in his live special.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can smear peanut butter on it.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thanks to AJ.

Hope that's AJ from the Sopranos.

Just a stone's throw from here in New Jersey.

People from Jersey here?

And proud of it.

I have no idea.

I've never been there.

Thank you so much for coming to the show.

This is

not only Comedy Bang Bang, but this is in celebration of Comedy Bang Bang,

the podcast, the book.

Thank you.

Did you all get a copy of the book coming in here?

Feel free now turn to page

65 in your hymnals.

We're going to have fun celebrating the book here tonight.

We have some contributors here from it

as well as one other guy.

And by the way, now that you all were given something heavy, coming in, if at any point you don't like the show, feel free to throw the books at us

and say, I don't like this.

Totally get it.

We do have a really great group here with us today.

Some people, we are very proud of the book and hope you really enjoy it.

And sincerely, I'm really happy that you guys are interested enough to read it.

And let's get to the show because we have some great people who contributed to it.

What do you say?

I think there are too many chairs out here.

Don't expect seven.

Two, three, four, five, six, seven.

Nope.

All right, well, let's get to our first guest.

He's not really a guest.

He's more of a co-host for the show.

You know him as one of the hosts of the How Did This Get Made podcast.

Please welcome Jason Manzoukas.

What's up, jerks?

How are we doing, Brooklyn?

That's right.

Throw your books now.

Hey Nong man hey Nong man

I've never seen you so amped.

I love this side of you.

That was it.

That's it.

Okay, shut them down.

That's all I had power down

Hey pal.

Hi pal.

So good look at us look at us in an what I cut myself on your nipple

It's so erect right now.

Yes, so happy to be back on stage turned on by this audience

Very sexy crowd here in New York.

Hot crowd.

Hot crowd.

I asked them to put an extra seat for Elijah.

Who's doing Elijah tonight?

You'll see.

Jason, so good to see you.

Proud to be here.

I used to live right here at the Bellhouse.

I don't care.

What I was going to say.

You go, your thing.

It's good to have you on the East Coast because you were supposed to do some of the East Coast Coast dates with us on our tour last

summer, and then what happened?

I got COVID.

Oh,

after years spent hiding in my house,

where you truly

barely came over to my house.

No.

And the first few times you deigned to come over to our house outside, you still wore a mask the entire time.

And so you avoided it for the longest time.

I did.

And then we did the How Did This Get Made tour, night three in Texas,

Houston, Texas.

Boy, did I get COVID?

I just got full-blown COVID.

Yeah.

Yep.

Had it gross.

Had somebody

had the nurse came to give me the test and

a bunch of other stuff.

And

I was like, you know, is this something that could have been avoided?

Because the new booster was coming up, right?

Oh, you hadn't even gotten that idea.

There was a shot that was going to be out in

two months or a month.

I think I got it right after the tour.

So, yeah.

And so I was like, would this have been like, would I, am I just not have enough antibodies to quit, blah, blah, blah.

If I went and got, waited until that shot.

And she was like, I'm not the right person to ask.

I don't really believe in vaccines.

And I was like, madam, you are a medical professional.

You are here in scrubs.

So super quick, who here believes in vaccines?

That's right.

That's right.

Not 100% agreement.

I'm hesitant to ask the other question.

Anybody here not believe in vaccines?

Cool.

The bellhouse, baby.

Well, you're here now.

I'm so glad.

Thrilled.

Thrilled to be here.

Amir Stone, I used to live in Carroll Gardens and then.

Oh, so back to your thing.

What's that?

Oh, yeah, back to my thing.

Go ahead.

Boy, this neighborhood is wildly different

than when I lived here.

When I lived here, there was a huge movement to stop Whole Foods from moving into this neighborhood.

Now, having just driven here, this neighborhood appears to be all Whole Foods?

All Whole Foods all the time?

I was like, what the fuck is going on?

The people at the Park Slope Food Co-op would not allow this.

These are very local.

Local references.

jokes.

I appreciate you bringing jokes.

Bringing this to the crowd.

I don't know.

I don't know.

What's going on with the glasses?

They're coming on.

They're going to go.

You know, I'll be honest.

I want to wear them to see better, but I didn't clean them backstage.

Feel free to clean them right now.

I'm going to clean them in a minute when we're talking about talking about.

There's something else.

Okay.

Well, Jason, you...

When I leave stage, that's why.

Scott, that's why.

You have have to do it backstage.

I've got to go backstage.

For what?

The little cloth.

I don't want your cloth.

Front row lady waving a cloth like she's surrendering to the bad guys.

I don't need your cloth.

I don't need your eyeschmutz on my eyes.

These motherfucking New Yorkers are trying to give me pink eye.

Nice try.

You have your own special cloth devoted for this purpose.

Of course I do, Scott.

Could someone find it and bring it out to you?

No, I don't want them to.

Because that would mean someone else touching my clothes.

I don't want them touching my special cloth either.

My special cloth.

Tell the truth: is this your blankie from when you were a child?

It's the last little scrap of blankie.

And it doesn't clean my glasses.

It just scratches them to the point where they absolutely can't see through.

How you been?

I've been good.

And Jason, I wanted to thank you.

Sorry?

Am I not allowed to touch you?

You can.

Okay.

I wanted to thank you because you wrote something.

Well, I mean, you didn't write something for the book.

Sure, I did.

Well, I mean, yes.

Yes.

Can we bring it up here on the screen, what Jason wrote?

This is the only time I will write anything that looks like I'm published in the New Yorker.

Yes.

This is

your real name, Jeffrey Karakawites.

Of course.

And my real headshot from, I think, 2003.

That sounds about right.

Is when I think I took that picture.

That's right.

With a strange ring on my finger.

Yeah.

I don't remember when I wore a ring, but I did.

So much so that I was like, I need it in my headshot.

I identify with this ring.

I think it was 2003 because normally the Twin Towers would have you in the shade.

But

there's no.

Never forget.

Plenty of light.

Plenty of light on you

heard someone go, shh.

Lest you think here in New York we're going to shy away from 9-11 jokes, we are all in.

But it was very nice.

You wrote about it.

I took this on the top of Building 7.

Controlled explosion.

Okay, now we're starting to lose people.

Now this

lose, people.

Jet fuel can't melt steel.

All right.

I'm just trying to get a sense of

what this crowd's all about.

Honestly, most of you are too young for 9-11, right?

Yeah.

You're one of the few pro-vaccine.

9-11 was an inside job type.

Yep.

Love the vaccine, mostly because I want Bill Gates to know where I am and what I'm up to.

It's not that I don't believe in the conspiracy theories.

I like them.

You want to be involved?

Chip me.

Please chip me.

Hey, someone want to chip me tonight?

But basically, what you wrote for the book is

your

book.

The story behind the development of your character, which we're seeing.

The

Jason Manzuki's character.

Abrasive, loud, obnoxious.

Which a lot of the jokes about 9-11 are things you wouldn't actually.

Jeffrey Character Wheaties would never make those jokes and finds them reprehensible.

Right.

And tonight will make sizable donations to offset what he said.

When do you slip out of the character?

When you go home?

Do you drop it?

Like when you shut the door behind you?

Here's the thing.

I used to, but now I can't.

It's really hard.

I have to stay Jason Manzukis all the time.

Otherwise, nights like tonight suffer.

I appreciate it.

I mean, no one appreciates it more than me.

Oh my god, thank you.

It really is special what you've done, and it's a testament to your hard work.

And I'm glad that finally you're getting the word out because otherwise, no one would know that you've been involved in the deepest of cover.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I mean, I lived here in New York for 13 years doing comedy.

This is where I really built this character.

Yeah, yeah, and you were doing horrible comedy.

Terrible.

Just terrible.

Like, describe some of your improv.

improv.

Were you doing improv?

I did an improv show for over a year at UCB at midnight, Saturdays at midnight.

There was an improvised Saturday morning cartoon

in which I played Ricky Martin.

Real, real show called Cartoon Chaos.

We did it for a year, Saturdays at Midnight, never once successfully.

The show was terrible, top to bottom.

T2B never success never succeeded.

So you were playing the gay Hispanic

Ricky Martin.

Correct.

And this was during the Jeffree Character Wheaties days?

Nope.

Jason Manzukas.

Trying to crack that code unsuccessfully.

What was some of the stuff you would do as Jeffree Character Wheaties, though, before you developed the character?

Oh, well, that was all just, you know, mostly just theater.

Space work.

Yeah, space work, Meisner.

You know, it was like a lot of just deep, immersive theater, lots of performance art.

Do you still remember any of the movies?

I'm not going to do any of that.

All right.

I see where you're going.

I see you trying to find a footing.

Hey, I'm a guy who got pimped last night into doing his Disneyland audition dance.

Wait, what?

I did a show here last night.

Here?

What was it?

We don't need to go into it.

It was a great show.

Great show.

We're not promoting other podcasts.

We're not promoting other podcasts.

We're here to promote the book.

Oh, yeah.

Well, it's really special.

When do we do the Q ⁇ A with the audience?

Do you want to do a Q ⁇ A?

Is that what you said?

At the end of the show, I think we should absolutely do a Q ⁇ A.

Do a talk back?

Yeah, let's...

Don't all book tours feature a talk back with the author.

I think at the end of the show,

it makes absolute sense that any idiot here be allowed to ask anybody on stage a question.

I I get, I mean, technically, I'm not the author.

You wrote more pages than I did, I think.

If I'm not mistaken, I believe you wrote no pages.

Come on, I wrote a few.

Did you?

Yes.

Okay.

Approximately three.

I'm pretty sure.

Are you sure Kuloff didn't write those pages?

I may have written some pages that someone else purportedly wrote.

Well, it's great that you're here.

Are you bruised?

It burns.

It burns.

Why does it burn?

It's the hellfire touch.

So,

Whatever knows fear burns at the touch.

It's great to have you.

Jason Manzooka's everyone, aka Jeffrey character Weebies.

How do you want to do this?

I don't know.

Yeah.

I mean,

we don't want to scare away the next person.

We have a big show, so we need to get to our next guest.

Not seven people, but six.

Or eight.

We could bring another chair up.

I look back there.

There's a bunch.

There's a bunch?

I came so close to coming on stage with a chair.

So close.

I was like,

too heavy.

All right, well.

I'm having fun.

Okay, it's so good to have you.

I'm having fun with you.

I'm so glad we took a trip together.

I'm so happy we're here in New York together.

We love each other.

All right, let's get to our next guest.

This is a gentleman with a wonderful CV, as it were.

It's great that he's in New York City and could join us.

He started off on NBC's The Office, and then he now has a show on Apple TV called Spasm.

Please welcome Adam Scott.

Adam Scott, everyone.

Thank you, Adam.

You missed some over there.

You missed some over there.

I just want to eat them all up.

I just want to take

if you could eat people, would you?

Oh, I would eat all of these people.

Nom nom nom nom nom nom.

You know?

Just, oh, yeah, this is a chompable crowd.

Oh, just eat them all up.

Nom nom.

Guys look delicious, aren't they?

Adam, so good to have you on the show.

Thank you.

Wonderful.

I mean, you've done so much great work.

Thank you so much.

Congratulations to you and the entire Spasm cast.

Thank you very much.

All of us over at Spasm are

really excited that I was able to make it here tonight.

You came straight from the spasm set, did you not?

I came right over from spasm.

This is, I mean, are these your spasm clothes?

These are my spasm clothes.

These are the clothes that I perform spasms in.

Tell us about your signature spasms that we all go through.

Tell us about your character, Del Roy.

Delroy.

Delroy is,

some some people call him naive.

I call him just a little off.

Okay.

But it is spasm.

So

wonderful.

How are you?

I'm good.

Nice to have you here.

You, of course, contributed to the book.

I'm looking over your shoulder at the screen.

Yeah.

Not at anyone creeping up behind you.

You look behind me.

It looked like you were alerted to somebody creeping.

someone with a knife.

You're very jumpy tonight.

What do you mean?

There are people who, because of spasm, are out to get them.

That's true.

Yeah, a lot of spaz heads.

Spaz heads.

Yeah.

Having their spaz attacks.

Not sure we can say that anymore?

I don't think we are supposed to say that.

I'm not 90% sure we cannot say that anymore.

But that's what they call themselves.

So what are we supposed to do with it?

The spazids?

You know, I heard something when I was backstage, I heard something out here that really got me excited.

I don't know which one of you said it, but jet fuel cannot melt steel.

Adam, thank you.

I'm thrilled that you are as interested as me

in talking about 9-11 for the whole show tonight.

Is everybody up for this?

Are we really up for this?

You brought a slideshow here.

I sure did.

No, but speaking of slideshow working, isn't this how you do it?

We're going to watch loose change.

I think you're just miming it, is the problem.

Yeah, that's why I don't have any of that.

Yeah, that's the issue.

But speaking of the slideshow,

you did contribute to the book.

Could we see Adam's contribution to the book, if that's okay?

You gave us a blurb on the back.

Yeah,

I wrote this.

Yeah.

Do you want to read it?

Yeah, I do.

That's what I want to do.

This.

Oh, you want to do it out loud?

Well, can we.

Oh, okay.

No, I was just going to read it.

Can we talk about it first?

Yeah, sure, of course.

What about this?

You want to talk about how long it took to write?

Yeah, I mean, you name the topic, yeah.

I'd love to talk about how long it took to write.

I will say, as a fellow contributor, mine, I spent months on mine.

Yeah.

That's mainly because you wrote it right before the deadline.

That is correct.

I was supposed to write it months earlier and I did not.

Well,

I wrote mine,

I think you had asked me a couple of times to assist you.

I did something.

The typical Adam-Scott interaction, which is to text you incessantly and then get a one-word response weeks later.

Yeah, you're welcome.

That's usually the response.

So I believe this,

if we're going to talk about the amount of time from when you first asked me to have a blurb to when I sent it to you.

This took months.

Yes.

And how long did the actual writing of the blurb take you?

Probably about as long as it'll take me to read it right now.

Okay.

Okay, so what I'm talking about

in the blurb is the comedy bang-bang book that we're all here to celebrate and honor

by burning it.

A big pyre right in the middle of the room.

room we're gonna fly a plane into it now hang on guys

I know you're thinking this is a lot of 9-11

I was with you earlier this is now too much but we're only a third of the way through oh yeah

seriously though if there is any steel in this building

okay so that that's what I'm done talking about the book the book that we're all here to celebrate in honor okay so just so we're clear that's what this is about okay Got it, good.

You set the table.

Okay.

So here we go.

So, when I start reading it,

that's what I'm going to be referring to.

When I say CBB book, comedy bang-bang book.

Oh, okay.

I didn't even get that when you gave it to me.

Okay.

I'm glad I'm going through that.

And for those of you who have it here, which is, I think, everybody,

you are holding the very book

that is what's at an end.

What is it?

Thank you, Jason.

Thank you.

Does anyone have one?

Everyone has the book here, yeah.

Do you mind if we?

This is the book.

Okay.

That's actually super helpful, not for the podcast listeners, but for people in the room who might not know the book we're talking about.

This is a picture of the book.

Yeah, for the podcast listeners, do you want to describe the book?

Yeah,

it's like eight feet wide.

Okay.

Should we explain what a book is?

Yes.

Is this at all?

What about paper?

Are people going to understand what paper is?

Okay.

Trees?

Should we start with trees?

Yes.

I'm lost already.

Anyway, this is it.

Comedy Bang Bang, the book.

This is it.

Blurb that I wrote is on the back here, among others.

We've blown it up much larger on the screen.

Do you want everybody?

You know, Adam, I was thinking everyone has the book.

Maybe we could all read it up at the same time.

Turn it around.

It's on the back, and we can all read it together.

Make sure it's not upside down.

Yeah, because then it'll sound different.

Yeah.

Scott, just briefly while people are taking out their books and getting ready, did you ever think to publish the book at this scale?

I know.

It's really tempting now that I see it.

Honestly, also because so much easier to read.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, that would be a trim size of approximately.

We shouldn't talk about trim.

That's a separate podcast.

Are we talking trim tonight?

That's our show, Drippin' Milk, and this is not

episode of that.

Season 2, Talkin' Drim.

Okay, so if everyone's ready, we're going to read it together.

Everyone has their book out.

Here we go.

And we do not read the quotation marks out loud, just FYI.

And before you start, nor the commas.

We don't say comma out to the punctuation.

No apostrophe.

Other than that, I think we're

just a suggestion.

If you don't know a word, just sound it out.

Sound it out.

Or you can ask one of us.

That's what we're we're here for.

Should we take it?

I'd also like to just give, if we might, a single piece of direction.

Okay.

In that we

pronounce the text in blue in all caps the way that it's written.

Right.

That's true.

You don't have to scream

when you say the blue text.

Okay, are we ready to kick this off?

All right, let's go.

Okay, here we go.

Three, two, one.

Quotation mark.

Whoa.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let me stop you.

Let me stop you.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I almost did it too, so

that's good.

I'm glad.

Force of habit.

Can I ask you when you're on the set of spasm?

Yeah.

Each of your lines, do you start by saying Delroy?

I do first.

At first, and then we

put in the blooper reel, and then we're able to keep going.

Oh, you know what?

I'm glad we paused for a second, just because I'm looking at the words and I'm not sure.

There's one I'm not sure how to pronounce.

Oh, sure.

I'm just going through all the words.

It's right there.

Words?

Oh, words.

You said it right actually before you said you didn't know how to pronounce it.

Interesting.

Yeah.

I'm glad we're doing this, Jason.

I'm thrilled.

This is helping me a lot.

I've just noticed how I'm sitting in this chair.

I have one of my legs over the armrest.

Okay, Adam, thank you because here I have a huge grievance and grudge that all comedy podcasts think they need to put you on stools.

High stools, so you're like...

Yeah.

I always feel like I'm a little kid, like, hi, I'm doing a show.

Hi.

Why don't you sit cross-legged then?

Down on the floor.

Chris crossed applesauce?

Yeah, sure.

Go ahead.

I would love to.

I would love to also just sit on a regular goddamn chair so my feet are on the ground.

So if an attack happens,

I can get out of here quick.

Meanwhile, I'm like.

Let me see the difference.

Adam, do you mind playing an attacker really quick?

Absolutely.

No problem.

Let me see the difference of how quick you can do it this way from.

Okay, so let's say we're just doing the show.

Yeah, we're shooting the show.

Do you want me to come from behind or from where I am right now?

I think, how do we do it?

I think from the audience, because that's where these fuckers are coming from.

Let's be honest.

They've got a very important note I need to read.

All right.

Anyway, what a great time.

Oh my god, I've been having such a good time with you.

Jason, I love performing on stage with you.

Sorry, guys.

Yeah.

When you want me to start the YouTube,

just give me a signal.

Okay,

what kind of signal?

A hand signal.

Hand signal.

Got it.

Like this.

Like a shaka.

Like hang loose?

Like a shaka?

Hang loose.

Hang loose?

Hang loose.

Okay.

So we'll just do like it's the regular show.

Right.

So writing the book, I feel like for you must have been an incredibly it's incredible.

I mean those three pages were just so difficult for me to write.

Did you feel at any time like you knew what you wanted to say but were having a hard time getting it out?

Yeah, but I just relied upon thesaurus.com mostly.

Thesaurus.com.

So you're here promoting thesaurus.com.

I would just put it on random and

whatever word popped up I would throw into my.

Oh, wow yeah that's interesting I never would have thought I'm realizing we forgot to give you the fucking yeah we forgot to give you the signal

we got so into it we got so wrapped up in our own thing and thesaurus.com yeah that one's not up yet it's okay sorry we'll remember to give you the signal right now

Adam turn that uh the other way around

no no

no

no I'm stuck I'm stuck above I'm too high

yeah these chairs are bullshit.

Yeah, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, right?

That bit's gonna play great in audio only.

I mean, because it played so well in the room.

So let's read this.

Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

By the way, can you read it in under five seconds?

How quickly do you think you could read it?

I can.

I'll promise you this.

I can read it in under seven minutes.

Okay, yeah, sure, I'll take that.

Okay, here we go.

Everyone have their books out?

Everyone's ready?

Okay, because we're all going to read it together.

Here we go.

One.

Should we count one, two, three, or three, two, one?

Let's count.

Let's count up to 10.

Okay, here we go.

One,

two,

three,

four,

five.

I feel like we should go down though.

I think you're right.

I do feel like it should be in reverse.

Down from 20.

Down from 20.

Okay.

Just also because that will help everybody get in the rhythm.

Yeah, that's right.

And you can make sure you have your books out.

Here we go.

I'm not, I'll be honest, a lot of you don't have your books out.

I'm a little worried.

Which makes me think you're not going to read from the book.

So, how are you going to participate?

Yeah.

You know what?

We should give them more time to get their books out.

Down from 40.

Ready?

Yeah.

40, 39, 38, 37, 36, 35, 34,

33, 32, 31,

30, 29, 28, 27,

26,

25,

24,

23,

22.

Oh, 20.

You said 21.

You jumped.

You jumped.

God damn it.

I'm sorry.

We got to start off.

Just go straight in.

Go again straight away.

Let's go again.

40, 39, 38, 37, 36, 35, 34, 33, 32, 31,

30, 29, 28, 27, 26, 25, 24, 23, 22, 21,

20, 19, 18, 17, sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, thirteen, twelve, eleven, ten, nine,

eight, seven, six, five, four,

three,

two,

one.

Everything you want in a CBB book: chapters, pages, words, letters, pictures, syllables, winks, gravy, live Es, and of course, Scott's signature dance.

I'm going to read it five more times, then go back to sleep.

And I'm Scott!

I'm in a full body sweat.

That really was exhausting.

That was electric.

I think I have COVID now.

I found that.

Can you get COVID from reading out loud?

Yes.

Yes.

Droplets.

All these fucking monsters just shout.

We asked them to shout droplets right at us.

But still, I just want to eat them off.

Well, Adam, thank you so much for participating with that.

And

it means a lot that you're here tonight.

Thank you.

And

yeah.

I love it.

You know what?

I love it.

I love it all.

I love seeing it up on the screen.

I love that.

I'm just going to be honest.

When I wrote this,

I never dreamed that I would see it up on the big screen.

Did you?

Did you?

Because now you're a published author.

Absolutely.

Now you're a published author.

Do you feel as though that adds just another element to your career that's exciting to you?

Are you going to develop this into anything?

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you for saying that.

You're welcome.

I mean, it's more than just a feather in the cap, okay?

Which it is.

But yeah, I think.

If you could have a feather in your cap from what bird?

Emu.

Emu?

Pigeon.

But you, I mean, Adam, you have a cap full of feathers.

You're like...

So many feathers.

Your head is just covered with feathers like an Indian head.

You might as well hollow out a bird and wear it on your head for how many feathers you've got.

Yes.

Yes.

That makes me really hungry.

I mean.

You're a published author.

Yes.

You're a bad actor.

Yes.

Other things.

But those are two feathers.

Yes.

Most caps can't even carry that.

I have to talk to you about the movie Torque.

Absolutely.

That's your other show.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

We're not doing out of this get made tonight.

But it is really special, and I thank you so much.

And usually when you thank thank someone, they thank you back.

No, thank you.

I appreciate it.

I appreciate it.

You know what?

I appreciate it.

I appreciated being asked.

I appreciated being asked.

Yeah.

And it is great to see it on the big screen.

This is like.

I'm not fixing it on the big screen.

This technically is better than any movie you were ever in.

It's more fulfilling.

I got paid more.

Yep.

Was there ever a point in which myself or Adam were going to be featured in the cover

as such huge contributors, but I can't help but notice neither of us is featured in this cover.

Because there's Rob Schneider is there

in the cowboy hat.

So he made it on there.

He made it on.

Randy Quaid is there in the back.

Yeah.

It's a gorgeous cover.

It really is.

But no, I never, I never.

What's worse that I didn't ask you or didn't even think to ask you?

They're both really bad.

Yeah, I'm seeing that now.

But thanks for being part of the back of the book.

Thank you.

The very last thing anyone will read.

Adam Scott, everyone.

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ABC Wednesday, Shifting Gears is back.

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What what?

With a star-studded premiere, including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis, and Hey, buddy!

A big home improvement reunion.

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That guy's a tool.

Shifting Gears, season premiere Wednesday, 8-7 Central on ABC, and stream on Hulu.

All right, well, a wonderful panel already.

And I'm afraid we have seven more people to go.

I'm afraid I'm going to bring the mood down a little bit.

Probably.

No.

Because I genuinely am friends with both of you.

Yeah.

Are we friends with you?

I don't.

Only you can answer that question.

And by the end of the show, those questions will be answered during the Q ⁇ A.

What if Maury Povich came out with an envelope and told me whether you were my friend or not?

The big friend reveal at the end of the show.

I dance around.

Scott, would you be surprised to know that Adam is not your friend?

Boo-boo.

You dance around.

But the next person I'm bringing on, I genuinely hate.

He is a children's entertainer of note.

Please welcome Big Chunky Bubbles.

Hi

BCB, how are you?

That's right, it's me,

Big Jackie Bubble.

Do you remember what I do for a living?

You are,

for those of you who don't know BCB, he is a children's entertainer.

That's right.

You blow bubbles for children.

I don't blow bubbles.

Your breath is not involved.

No, I mean, I'm breathing while I do it.

Thank God.

Yeah.

I'm sure you're a real relieved.

Have you ever forgotten to breathe in the middle of a performance?

What are you talking about?

Forgotten to breathe?

Like I'm up there doing my thing and then, oops, I forgot to inhale.

Hey, that's the opposite of Bill Clinton, right?

Yeah.

Did you just try and high-five me with the back of your hand?

Yeah, I just...

Well, I felt bad about like giving you the part I touched stuff with.

Oh, okay.

You know what?

I appreciate that.

You didn't feel bad doing it to me.

You're disgusting.

This is my left.

You should feel bad about making the Bill Clinton joke in 2023.

We're coming up on the 30th anniversary, I believe, of him.

Oh, good.

I'll send you a cake.

What do you plan?

You celebrate it every year, don't you?

Of course.

29 years.

28.

26.

27.

26.

I don't blow bubbles.

I'm a bubble artist, and I create bubbles out of soups, stews, and chowders.

See, the people know.

The crowd furiously checking the wiki.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

Oh, I will.

I'm ready.

By the way, we're all right here on you.

There are but two chowders, are there not?

No.

Go on.

What do you think the two chowders are

and corn?

But there's multiple clam chowders.

There's moti, even he knows.

But those are all variants of clam chowder.

All chowders are variants of chowder.

But those are variants of soup.

Oh, this hamburger has lettuce on it.

Hmm, must be a different strain.

I don't know, I have to explain food to you.

What?

They made a blue car

now.

I've seen everything.

Adam, what I'm doing.

I wonder if you could make if you could make clam chowder with the blue milk from Star Wars.

Yes.

And then you would have blue chowder.

Right.

Well, why don't we have Han Solo whip us up a badge?

Since we're getting things from a fictional universe.

Is it contagious what you have?

Now everybody's dumb?

Oh, you're telling me.

Oh, wow.

I'm trying to support you.

Look, look, look, look, look, look, look.

I'm trying to support you.

You don't think it would be great to go to a kid's birthday party with

Star Wars blue child this motherfucker Scott Jason this motherfucker is getting on how did you get up from your chair I don't know

let me tell you something

there's no amount of fictional milk that makes a children's birthday party something you want to go to

they're the worst audiences in the world

Okay,

these people out here who have kids who don't want to go to a birthday party, you're telling me that if you said there's going to be Star Wars blue milk bubbles there, those kids are going in a made out of made out of a seafood counter yes on a hot summer's day

who doesn't want pink eye and diarrhea from bubbles

that's that was one of your taglines right

why do I come on these show I don't know you're very disrespectful I'm trying to be friends with you.

You are?

Oh, I didn't, I thought you were, this was marked.

Is this not marketing for you?

Are you not trying to get jobs?

I am, of course I am.

This is you being friendly.

I had no idea.

I'm sink.

By the way, I apologize.

He's more of a trekky.

Thank you for apologizing.

That's not true, either.

You were telling me backstage.

My favorite sci-fi show of all time, of course, is Blake 7.

I don't even know what that is.

I barely do, but listen.

Who's your favorite.

We shouldn't press you on specifics.

I didn't come here to talk about that.

So I won't.

Adam, what is your favorite soup if you had to pick?

Oh, well,

let's just say an intruder comes to your house.

Yes.

What would I be making when he walked in?

Sure, but also if he were to, he had some sort of weapon pointed to the back of your head.

He's going to kill you execution style.

Some sort of weapon.

Yeah.

But it pointed at the the back of your head.

Sure.

Could be a baseball bat.

A cat of nine-tails.

Cat of nine-tails pointed directly at the back of your head.

He's going to whip the back of the nape of your neck.

Right.

And I have to say.

And you have to say what your favorite soup is.

What do you say in that moment?

This is the weirdest home intruder I've ever encountered.

He's a weird guy, I admit.

This was the original plot of funny games.

The original.

original.

Right, before they changed it.

Before they changed it.

Think a lot, Michael Hanneke.

The studio big wigs got it.

Yeah.

I mean, I would have to go with some sort of chowder.

Really?

Absolutely.

Okay.

And since there's only two,

it's a flip of a coin at this point.

I would have to go with a clam.

But which kind?

Manhattan or New England?

Well, Manhattan, of course.

Whoa.

They've discovered a third tower.

Whoa.

What is it?

Do we have to go over this whole thing again?

I want to do the whole thing again.

40, 39,

38.

Sorry, we're pasting something from Netsphone.

Turn that mic.

If I don't like something, I'm just going to be able to do it.

Did you think someone was coming up from behind you?

I did for a second.

Yeah.

What the fuck is going on?

Get a little feedback.

I just want to make sure.

I didn't think the show could get less professional, but you found a new speed.

Do you think I'm unpleasant?

Yes.

Big Chunky Bubbles is like the Statler and Waldorf of the show.

Just up in the up in, just sniping.

They should have been the whole show.

You would watch that.

They're my favorite part.

I'd take that as a spin-off.

Because I hate frogs.

Frog.

Are there any frogs?

Are there frog soups?

Are there any soups with frogs?

There are frog legs.

You can make a frog leg soup.

Can you?

You can make a soup out of anything, Greg.

But does it make good,

but does it make for good bubbles?

Oh, boy.

That was a

homage to your coworker.

Can you make soup out of me?

You can tell him about that in the morning if you want to.

Sure.

Different soups make different bubbles.

Of course, it stands to reason.

What is the best soup for making a giant bubble?

A really big bubble?

The biggest bubble you've ever seen.

The biggest bubble?

I mean, beyond for artistic purposes?

Just for record setting?

I know.

So, are you in the record books in any way, shape, or form?

Because

we have a contact at the Guinness Book of World Records.

It's not Fred Guinness, is it?

It's Fred Guinness.

That guy can go to hell.

You've interacted with Fred Guinness?

I've contacted him several times.

Really?

And he doesn't return your call?

He always picks up for us.

And talks, it seems like he has a personal relationship with everybody else we know.

These are all callbacks to a show nobody's heard yet.

I called him because I am, by far, the most successful bubble artist working in suits, dudes, and children.

Wow.

No one else is even close.

So why did he turn you down for this?

I mean, why aren't you in the book?

He said it was too weird.

I didn't think he was allowed to say that.

What does he tell you?

He's one of the weirdest guys in the world.

He, like, devoted his life to writing a book about weird things.

They're not all weird, to be fair.

I mean, it's a guy who can fit like a million cigarettes in his mouth.

Well, now you're defending the man who you just moments ago were deriding for ignorance.

Not because my thing isn't weird.

There's records for the fastest person who ever ran.

Aren't those just like Olympic records, though?

Are those?

Yeah, but they put them in the book.

Why wouldn't they?

That seems like cheating.

These should be Guinness book-specific records.

How would that work?

Do you think Guinness contracts people to do certain things?

He should be out there on the ground reporting his own records.

You can't just like contact the Olympics and go, hey, who's the fastest person who ever?

Does he contact him or watch them on TV like everybody else?

What's the thing?

This motherfucker.

If you can't remember, it's now it's in a book.

Why have you got me defending this man?

I just fine.

I'm on your side.

If you you don't mind me, can I ask a question?

I don't mind you, but go ahead.

I appreciate that.

How come you don't seem to work, or have you tried and not been successful with bisques at all?

Great question.

The crowd, crowd, very interested in this.

So much so that I don't want them on my side.

It's all right.

It's an actually interesting question.

Congrats.

Man, the more more you nag me the more I want to fuck you

is that what is that what you're up to when you saw

I'm still grieving my wife

that's right your wife who by the way for those of you who don't know

she passed away in a

she passed away how was it exactly it was in a tragic bubble accident oh no oh no I made a soup that was too hot

was it your fault it was my fault she was so proud of me.

She was my biggest supporter and cheerleader.

No, you can't take it that seriously.

Shame on you.

You're adults.

Don't feel bad.

I was working on, as a matter of fact,

a bisque bubble.

Oh, no.

The bisque bubble is the holy grail of bubble tree.

Of course.

I'm assuming a lobster bisque because it's so so rich and expensive well of course yeah

nothing but the bisque nothing but the bisque for my bisque bubble

so I was

almost there and I called my wife in much of the way that Alexander Graham Bell

called for assistant watson what

you're almost as inaudible as Dr.

Sweet Shadow at this point.

Holy shit.

You never heard of the telephone?

Well, Alexandra Crambell, what he invented on the telephone.

He would say ahoy.

The first thing he did was yell for his assistant to come in and see that he'd done it.

Watson, I need you.

That's right.

Yes.

So I said, honey, I'm doing it.

I'm doing it.

The bisque bubble, it's real.

She rushed into the bubble laboratory.

La bubbolatory?

No.

No.

Okay.

Scott.

Come on.

Wow.

Sorry.

This is where your wife passed away.

Yeah, good chime in on the story about my dead wife.

Just

grinding the show to offer.

Who's over there now?

For wordplay.

This guy trying to do psyops on me.

And she started rushing towards me to embrace me.

And I said, honey, no, it's too hot.

She got too close and the bubble burst.

It burned her skin right down to the skull.

Wow.

Like an Indiana Joe.

Wow.

It was like opening the Ark of the Covenant.

Oh, my God.

She just like...

It happened so fast.

My wife standing there, from the neck down, a person, and from the neck up, a skeleton head.

Oh, no.

Did she ever go to the door?

Was it the doctor to get a checkup from the neck up?

What do you mean?

Scott, what do you mean?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

This is.

It's all right.

I know you're still sensitive about this, right?

Yeah.

Well, I mean, I guess that makes sense why you haven't attempted the bisque bubble again.

And I'm, and I didn't know that, so I sincerely didn't mean that.

Or have you attempted bisque bubbles since then?

I've thought about it every day since.

And every

get a life

for real.

They're so enraptured by the story.

I mean, he's a wonderful story.

Whatever you can say about him, he's a wonderful storyteller.

Every time I collect the ingredients for the bisque

and they start putting it together,

inevitably I look down in the dream.

And I see my wife's grinning skull looking back at me.

Wow.

You've got to take that skull out of your dream.

Yeah.

I appreciate it as a tribute, but you really should not keep it in there.

I have a weird guilt vision.

Don't you get it?

But do you, well, I feel like if this, this is, if your life, oh boy, if your life was a movie.

Are you all right?

If your life was a movie, if we made a movie of your life, which would be a great idea, I would actually like to do this.

Act three would be you having to finish the bisque successfully and in doing so, finding true love again.

Yes.

First scene is your wife's face melting off.

Yeah.

Just started with a bang.

And then you keep flashing back to it and see it back on the bisque.

Yes, and on her.

Well, because she's dead.

It's kind of hard to get psyched about this.

I hear you.

I hear you.

But we could, I bet if we beat this out for another 10, 20 minutes,

we start putting note cards up, we can get this done.

We can break the story, yeah.

You could play yourself.

Or you could play your wife.

Or you could play everybody Eddie Murphy-style clumps.

Yeah.

Or you could play everybody Eddie Murphy-style clumps.

Yes.

Yeah, don't they call it clumping it?

They say you can clump it.

You could clump it up.

Clump, clump, clump, clump, clump it up.

Did you see that movie, The Whale?

One clump, forget it.

That's my point.

I can't wait for the other clumps to show up.

Instead of just a movie about a fat man having a feelings.

Weird.

I thought Eddie Murphy did great in it.

No, he's terrific in all ways.

Well, Big Chunky Bubbles.

I'll see him in Whiteface again.

And

that was just them being like the Clumps technology is being ignored.

Big Chunky Bubbles, I did want to bring up your contribution to the book of Wicked Book.

Oh,

we're here doing a comedy bang bang book.

Everyone has one.

It's a comedy bang bang book.

It's a book.

Yeah, it's a book.

We actually have something that is related to you in the book.

Could we bring that up on the screen?

What?

How dare you?

This is a review from the newspaper of your act?

This happened in Montreal.

Guilla Chance, that hack.

It's pardon me, I thought that we had your permission to put it in.

No, why would I ever grant permission when there's maybe one?

It is public domain, though it's in the newspaper, so I think maybe we contacted them.

Oh, you're mad at Fred Guinness, though?

I think that, and I, and

why are you hanging out overnight?

I don't know that he's mad at Fred Guinness.

You're mad at Fred Guinness.

I'm mad at Fred Guinness.

You've got me going crazy.

We love Fred Guinness.

You are attacking his policies, though, of putting Olympic records on the Guinness Bug World record.

A new wrinkle to big chunky bubbles.

The monitors here are as bad as Largo.

Where are they?

They are just the speakers pointing out.

Right, that's not a monitor, Jones.

Now, because we've established it from Adam's piece as well, we're going to count down from 40 and we're going to read

the whole thing.

It's long.

It's also quite brutal against you.

It is.

Yeah.

Very unfair.

Sorry, I just, you know, you wouldn't write me back when I asked you to write a piece for the book, so I,

you know.

Did I not have the right email address?

No, you did.

Those filters work like a charm.

Instagram filters?

No, email filters.

Try it sometime.

I will.

Big chunk of the government.

Are you down to inbox zero?

Yes.

That's admirable.

That's impressive stuff.

I pulled it off last year.

Very exciting.

I even replied to all the spams.

Oh, wow.

I just wrote back, I'm interested.

I really appreciate it.

Thanks.

I finally realized I should just cut and and paste.

Please take me off your list.

I'm perfectly happy with the size of my penis.

Are you happy with the size of your penis?

I love it.

You love it.

Yeah.

Well.

That's the quote.

Yeah.

I'm perfectly happy.

See, if you just would have written that, I could have put that in the book instead of.

I was very suspicious when you asked me to write something for your book.

yeah

so it seemed like a trick and a trap

not a treat or a treasure

no we had a lot of people contribute things to the book

well Brock love it do you know Brock the treasure hunter yeah the sorry wet treasure hunter right right yeah one time he found a diamond ring in one of my soups

he said finders keepers

Where'd it come from?

An old lady threw it in there.

She told somebody a story of her life and then threw the diamond ring in a bowl of soup.

This guy has old ladies throwing jewelry at him night and day.

I would love it so much more if James Cameron was more interested in the depths of soups and stews than our own oceans.

Yeah.

I read an interesting article the other day about if that were real.

What were

the diamond?

The throwing the Cour de la Mer into the ocean.

Right.

That the insurance, if they found it,

the insurance company would have kept it.

What are you reading?

What are you reading?

Insurance?

Insurance.

You had the call to call this an interesting article?

I read an interesting article.

It was going to be tried at The Hague.

This is a war crime.

Like 9-11.

Yeah, no shit, guys.

False flag.

Okay.

Honestly, where did you read that?

Like, what, honest to God, are you reading?

Like, it was germane to the interests of Brock Lovett and myself.

It was germane.

Was it your majesty to it as well?

That's the show.

Black it out.

It's not getting better.

So the insurance, what happened at this point?

Basically, what they were positing is that if

Brock Lovett were to retrieve the Corps de la Mer,

Billy Zane's character,

shut the fuck up.

You read an article about Brock Lovett?

Yes.

Got it.

That Billy, whatever Billy Zane's character's name was.

Cal!

Okay?

You a big Titanic fan?

Love it.

I dare you not to cry.

He

have insured the diamond because it was worth so much.

Sure.

So his heirs, he drowned on the boat, didn't he?

Or did he get off?

No, he was a coward.

He was a coward.

Okay.

He took someone's baby to escape.

He ate someone's baby to escape?

He ate someone's baby to escape.

Took and ate don't even sound alike.

That's in the deleted scenes.

So he got off, he would have filed an insurance claim for the

What are you doing?

for the for the Court de la Maire

so when it was found it would be the property of the insurance company not of Brock Lovett but it wasn't Brock Lovett's property anyway it was Rose's property because Cal gave it to her as a gift

but did she declare it for tax purposes that's the other thing well

that's that's paragraph eight

anyway if he were here I would tell him all about it but but do we know that he wanted it for his own personal gain, or did he just want to find shit from the Titanic?

Was he like one of those it belongs in a museum types?

No, I think maybe.

I don't remember.

What types are those?

You know, like not to bring up a movie that will trigger something for you, but Indiana Jones with the melting faces.

I was trying not to say it.

God,

big chunky bubbles, you're crying.

I'm weeping.

I'm so sorry, Petey.

Oh, by the way, that's your name.

Is do you feel like if you?

Sorry, sorry, your name is.

For those of you who don't know, I called you Petey because.

That's right, my given name is not Big Chunky Bubbles.

Big surprise.

My stage name,

my real name is Petey Amin.

I don't think I knew that.

I gotta read the wiki.

Sorry, so what were you gonna ask?

I was gonna ask, do you feel, because you just, I mean, we're here with you tonight, you seem truly still so heartbroken at the loss of your wife, do you feel like if you could accomplish the BISC bubble, it would give you closure?

Yeah.

Is there moving on from this?

That's a pretty big question.

Scott asked me to come out here to ask the big questions.

He said, I'm going to to ask the little, dumb questions.

I'm a coward.

If you could focus on big, interesting questions.

I know that my wife would want me to be able to do the best public.

Oh, Petey.

What was her name?

I don't remember.

Oh,

I'm sorry.

I didn't.

That could happen when a woman's face melts away.

Exactly.

There are no distinguishing features left.

I haven't talked about this in a while.

It's so hard.

You start to forget about those people that you've lost, including their names.

Yeah.

Does anybody remember?

Alexander Grand Bell was a little bit of a bell.

No.

Okay.

You don't say Alexander Graham Bell.

Yeah.

Trying to do a call.

He thought you were talking about Alexander Graham Bell earlier.

He got that concerned.

I don't need the explanation.

Okay.

A better name was something.

I want that for you.

I want for you to find closure in this world so that you can move forward and have happiness again.

Find true love.

Thanks, weird stranger.

Also, your children need a stepmother, you know, your wonderful children.

Robbie, Bobby, and Tag.

Names you remember immediately.

They're still alive and around me all the time.

Their faces still are right where they're supposed to be.

You seem to not like them.

You seem to not like them.

They're not my favorite.

Okay, maybe start working on the bisque

again.

Oh, Jason.

You're more upset at that than the 9-11 stuff?

This crowd is unbelievably weird.

Go ahead.

Were you like this before your wife passed away?

Unhappy to be on the show?

No, it hadn't happened yet.

Because we've only known you in the shadow of such an incredible tragedy, and you're such an incredibly awful person to be around.

I'm just wondering if you were different before then, if she added some.

You know what, bro?

I'll grant you that.

I'm not the most pleasant fellow.

And yes, there was a time

when I smiled and laughed.

I was quick with a joker to light up your smoke.

Would you make tonics in gin?

Yeah.

I remember one time going to this bar.

And it was Saturday.

It was a pretty good crowd

for a Saturday.

For five o'clock.

Were you there midday?

Or wait.

You think midday is five o'clock?

What are you, a vampire?

You know, when I have a drink, it's midday somewhere.

To answer your question, yes, I was a more fun guy before.

Well, I hope you get back there.

Maybe we could set you up with one of the guests on the show sometime.

I don't know.

I mean.

To discover that joy again.

Do you feel like the making of the bubbles now remind you's got to remind you of that tragedy?

You know,

to have a family like Adam does and like I do.

And, well.

He's married to show business.

I do have a family, by the way, of those three miserable kings.

But I will confess,

I've been perusing the apps.

Really?

Are you on

Bumble?

I'm on Ryan.

Oh, yeah.

I I almost went on Bumble because it was so close.

And, you know, it's a lot of swiping this way and that.

Sometimes all I can see is just a skull.

Would that be attractive to you if there was just...

My question is: when you see a beautiful woman's face, are you picturing the skull beneath it?

Yeah.

Wonderful cheeks.

She said that's what I just said.

No, sorry.

I didn't mean literally there's skulls on Rya.

Yeah.

I didn't know.

But maybe, would that turn you on if you saw someone who

was like the red skull, but the red skull, the Marvel villain?

Yeah.

I know what a skull looks like.

You don't have to bring comic books into it for me to understand.

But no, it wouldn't.

I liked my wife when she had a face.

But I love her always.

whatever her name was

a big chunky bubbles everyone

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What?

With a star-studded premiere, including Jenna Elfman, Nancy Travis, and

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A big home improvement reunion welcome oh boy that guy's a tool

shifting gears season premiere wednesday 87 central on abc and stream on hulu

are you ready to get spicy these doritos golden sriracha aren't that spicy maybe it's time to turn up the heat or turn it down it's time for something that's not too spicy try dorito's golden sriracha spicy but not too spicy

well Well, we have a wonderful guest right now.

He, uh, uh, Adam, you and I have uh several podcasts about music.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, we've covered uh

YouTube.

You two, yes, yes.

Sauces,

sauces, sauces,

sauces,

sauces.

The band said.

So are we doing a short-form improv show?

Yes.

We're hoping to go off Broadway with it for next season.

That's right.

This is a little preview of the brand.

We're going to go to Cherry Lane.

Get to the Cherry Lane.

But there's one band that we haven't covered.

That's right.

And that is, of course,

the Fab Four.

And please welcome to the stage John Lennon.

Wow.

They're sitting up.

They're standing up, I should say.

Amazing.

Jason is giving you a standing and walking out of the room ovation.

That makes sense.

John, so good to have you.

Oh, my God, it's so great to be here in Brooklyn.

How about that?

You know, I came all the way from Manhattan.

It's great to see.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

Usually you...

Thank you so much.

I haven't been on stage in a long time.

This is Big Chunky Bubbles.

He's an entertainer as well.

I saw him backstage.

It's a pleasure to see him.

He's moving around and doing bubble stuff.

Moving around and doing bubble stuff.

You were doing bubble stuff backstage?

Yeah.

You've never done it on stage.

Why would I?

He put me in a bubble.

He did the thing, and I'm sitting there in a big stew bubble, did you say it was?

Big stew bubble.

Very exciting back there, and now I'm out here.

But I was going to say, you know, it's so great to be in Brooklyn with all the look at the hipsters out here drinking coffee.

You know, hipster, you can always tell a hipster because they're drinking coffee after 6 p.m.

You know, of course, don't see any right now, but you've got crazy haircuts out there.

Look at these people.

Wait, you're one of the people with the original crazy haircut, the mop top itself.

That's right.

That's right.

Because we were all so thin back then, you know.

So we we had mop bodies at first.

And it was.

So they would call you in the press, they would call you the four mop bodies?

Right.

The four sticks, you know.

And I'd say, Ringo, I think they're talking to you because he would use drumsticks.

He played the drums and he had two bandies behind us.

Right.

So I didn't see him.

I like him the most, but I saw him the least.

So you thought they were referring to his two sticks, but they were seeing double?

No, I thought they were talking about his two sticks and the backups.

Because he always kept a backup.

When you were playing live shows, how often would you turn around and look at Ringo?

Very seldomly, only to be, what song are we playing next?

Oh, Ringo.

Was he the guy who had the order of the songs?

He had it all written down on his one drum.

If you go back and look at videos of him playing film,

he would

You'd always notice he'd never hit the floor, Tom, because that's where the set list was taped.

You'd always

consider it.

Yeah, yeah, right.

And then decide not to.

Throw us all off.

And oh, right, he doesn't want to hit that one drum.

We should add a drum to the second floor, Tom, so we can put that on it.

Or maybe put the set list on the floor in front of you guys instead of.

Could be.

Could have been.

Where were you?

I don't think I was on this earth yet, but

you're still in your dad's balls.

John, have you started working blue?

I'm doing stand-up now.

I'm doing lots of stand-up.

You are?

I would love to see some.

Some crowd work stand-up.

I'll do it for you.

I'm seeing a few.

Yeah, I'd love to see it.

Who would like to see John Lennon do stand-up?

Can we get a spotlight?

Can we get a spotlight on spotlight here?

Can we get a spotlight?

I don't think you're on.

There's no spotlight, and my mic's not on.

I'm going to keep talking.

Oh, here we are.

Is there a spotlight?

No, okay, okay.

Okay.

They can make the lights very bright

on Broadway.

Scott, you'd fit in perfectly in this town.

Hmm.

Anyway,

I thought you said something about Broadway.

Okay, I'll do some of my crowd work.

What do you think you're some...

You fuck face.

What do you think you're so great?

You think you're so special.

I'm John fucking Lennon.

I can have you thrown into a dumpster.

What are you laughing at?

You say...

You're all.

Get him out of here.

I don't want any of these people in here.

Wouldn't that be something if we just had this conversation by ourselves?

Here still.

That's good stuff.

Yeah.

I might steal a couple lines from you.

Oh, that would be an amazing double bill.

John Lennon opened by big chunky bubbles.

We don't know the order yet.

That sentence.

By the way, Adam, I don't know if you know this, but John Lennon, you're a big music fan.

Yeah.

This hasn't made it to Rolling Stone or anything like that.

But John was

dead.

How did you die again?

I was shot in the body.

Directly in the body.

I fled everywhere.

No, you were killed.

You were murdered?

On site.

Yes, right.

I was coming out of my home, which I live in now still, the Dakota.

Oh, right, I don't think I have any neighbors here.

But there's all hipsters, you know.

We were coming out, and a man by the name of

Mark.

Mark Summers

got his head on a gun.

That's a different guy.

He was the host of Doubledare.

I think.

You get those confused because I've always wanted to be on Doubledare and I always wanted to not die.

I remember those are my ones, the two things.

I got him transposed.

Also, his name is Summers, and you died in the winter in December, of course.

Right.

Oh, man.

Thanks.

Well, a happy ending because came back to life.

Came out of life.

So how did that work?

How did you.

I was in there for four years in a casket in the ground, and you get very bored in there.

And I remember I had a book.

I can't even remember the name of the book now.

And I read it, and it was boring, and I said, I don't like this anymore.

Got out.

I'm walking around.

I'm doing everything I used to do, but I don't tell Yoko that I'm alive.

Please don't tell Yoko I'm alive

because I'm borrowing one of her berets.

And I don't want to give it back.

I'm still married, I think.

It's so strange.

But that's the only reason you don't want her to know because you're borrowing her.

Pretty much.

And, you know, I'm having a fun time being out

without her.

Yeah, it's so strange she hasn't run into you yet.

We run in very different circles.

It may happen.

I'm doing.

You're still at the Dakota.

Still at the Dakota.

She actually might have an apartment in there.

I see someone who looks exactly like her from behind and in the front too, but

I'm always wearing the big nose and mustache and big glasses, the hat, trench coat, bubble coat over the trench coat, shoes too big.

What else?

And an extra watch, which I'd only usually around her would only wear one watch.

And she looks at my wrists.

Oh, two watches.

Okay.

Never met this man.

Don't know him at all.

Although he knows my name,

so you address her sometimes, right?

Hello, Yelco, how's your day been?

How are our children?

Do you disguise your voice at all?

I try to, I try.

Let's hear it.

I do a lot of that too.

Hello, Yelco.

How are you doing, mate?

How are our children?

Oh, so you

say, How are our children to you?

How are our children?

Does one still look like me almost exactly?

She said, Oh, kind of, but he doesn't wear two watches.

Got away with another one.

How many, just out of curiosity.

How many children do you think you have with Yoko?

I'm asking as a fan.

Well, I got the, I had two wives.

Do you need to check the wiki?

I don't.

I wrote the thing.

I had two wives.

And I think between us, we had, I want to say, three kids.

My birthday is October 8th.

Take the win.

Take the win.

Out of curiosity, and forgive me if this has been covered before, but John, have you seen the movie yesterday?

I've heard about it.

It's very interesting.

By the way, he means the movie called yesterday.

He's not asking if you saw a movie yesterday.

Oh, then I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh,

I'm so glad you got it.

I just got HBO Max.

Is that anyone on Max Easter?

What is he talking about?

He comes out here half drunk.

No, I'm not drunk.

There's a movie.

I think they're covering it on blank check next week, a podcast where the fans will really let you know if they don't like you.

Or if they do.

And

that's nice, too.

You know, there are nice people on the internet, too.

We forget about them.

But it's a Danny Boyle film that

is a movie about suddenly everyone in the world, except for like three people, forget who the Beatles are.

Right.

Right.

And I will say this, spoilers, for the movie, you are still alive in the movie.

I've heard of this.

It's in the timeline, yeah.

Somebody playing me shows up.

You're an old man.

It wasn't you, was it?

No, I didn't.

I'm not an actor.

When I got my glasses, I was.

Just in that one wall movie, and I got those glasses.

That's the other fact a lot of people know about me.

But you were also in Help.

But those were glorified music videos.

But what do you think about that supposition that if the Beatles never existed, you would still be...

I mean, you are alive, obviously.

Would you be alive, right?

And would I have all the money?

No, I think he was pretty broke.

Broke?

And I wouldn't like that.

I'd like to be more of a Beatle guy who has all the money and fame.

You like where you're at right now.

I like where I'm at because I'm alive.

I can do anything I want and people don't bother me and I can play music if I want or I don't want to.

And you've never,

I keep beseeching you to come bring your guitar and play some songs.

The damn thing, well, you know where it is.

Ringo's got it.

He's still telling me he's going to sign up for guitar lessons.

So you guys are in touch?

Oh, every day.

That's who I was watching movies with yesterday.

Oh, wow.

What do you guys watch?

What kind of movies do you...

Are Ringo...

I mean, that's wow, isn't that interesting?

To think about John Lennon and Ringo Starr sitting together watching a movie.

What are you guys up to?

Like, what are you watching?

Well, we're mostly dishing of whoever we see on TV, but these days we're watching, we're getting into the Batman series.

The Christopher Nolan?

Christopher Nolan, Batman.

And then we're going to watch the one with Paul Dano.

You're a big Paul Dano fan.

Love Paul Dano.

I absolutely love everything he's been in.

From

The Girl Next Door

all the way up to There Will Be Blood.

And then the movie I just mentioned, Batman.

So you skip over from There Will Be Blood to the Batman movie he was in.

Right.

And I saw some of the Fable ones.

Sure.

Some.

Some of them.

Well, here's what happened.

I put it in a DVD player that I got at Best Buy.

It was a $20 DVD player.

Because I only have a few DVDs I want to see, you know.

So I don't need to buy an expensive one.

Well, you know,

because mostly it's streaming.

It seems like this side of the room doesn't understand.

It's mostly streaming.

Honest to God, this side of the room are assholes.

Don't even deal with them.

I'm not even going to bring up Blu-rays.

Heads blow up.

$20 DVD player.

Put the Ableman's DVD.

I watched about half of it and it stopped.

Completely stopped.

The movie stopped.

Movie stopped.

Image jerked off to the side and it jerked off the side.

Oh, right.

image jerked off i knew what i said i knew it

this is about a young boy by the way i would love to watch that version of the movie

and yeah i couldn't watch any more of it but what i saw i didn't i didn't really find too engaged did you try like taking it out and rubbing it on your pants and then putting it back in

That's right.

I don't have time to tell you the amount of surfaces I rubbed it on.

We've rubbed it on everything to try to get it clean.

You think we didn't try that?

Did you try blowing in the DVD player inside?

Shit.

We were unplugging the plug, blowing all over the plug, and putting that back in.

Because Ringo said, I read this article about how plugs get dusty now, and that's a big thing.

I said, okay, you're doing the one reading.

You're reading around here.

I'm not.

Wow, fascinating article.

Did you catch that one, Scott?

I read the headline.

When you and Ringo are together, you never think to, it's never inspiring to come up with new music or

nothing creative starts happening.

I'll sit down at the piano and then we'll invariably get into the most of the weird Al's catalog.

So you just start playing something and then it just like, oh no, weird Al's.

When we notice what it's eat it, it will go into that.

Because we're usually trying to replicate.

Have you guys ever thought about doing a Weird Al cover band?

That would be fun.

Who would go to?

Well, who would really want to go see John Lennon and Ringo doing weird L covers?

By the way,

millions of other people.

Literally everybody in the world.

At least once.

God.

I got a pitch.

What if instead of a Weird Al cover band, you become a Weird Al parody band and you parody the songs that Weird Al's already parody?

Or you parody the Weird Al parodies?

Like, you mean like continuing it.

Yeah, what he said.

Exactly what I said.

That's what he said.

I'm asking for clarification.

I'm glad the sound is finally traveling down.

That's what he said, but me.

Right.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

What he did, but I say it.

Oh, but also louder.

What he said, but moments ago.

Yeah.

Okay.

I'm glad, even though there's no women on the show, we can still fit that behavior in.

So, y'all saying, take the songs and make them sillier or go back to the originals?

No, just equally as silly.

No, make them sad.

Oh, sad songs.

Take a sad song.

Right.

And make it sadder.

And make it sadder.

Yeah.

I recognize that lyric from somebody.

It's one of your songs.

One of our great songs.

Paul, what about

John, the Beatles?

It's a Beatles song, sure.

John, what about Paul?

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fight, fight, fuck, fight.

Guys, fight.

Fuck you.

Guys, fight, fight, fight, fight, fuck, fuck.

Don't do it.

What were you saying?

He was saying fight.

You were saying...

Sorry, same sometimes.

Adam, we were interrupting you.

What did you say?

No, I wanted to know.

I wanted to know, John, what about Paul?

Paul, we're talking about Ringo.

What about Paul McCartney?

He's still with us.

He's still with us.

He's great, but he's touring.

You know, he's always so busy touring.

But does he know you're alive?

He knows, yeah.

I go in and I help him, you know, run some of the songs, rehearse the songs for tour, and get him ready because he's such a nervous guy.

You know, he's like, I'm not ready, I'm not ready.

Are they going to go out there?

They're going to throw popcorn at me.

I say, you know, Paul, not the lie.

First of all, the stadiums he plays in are humongous.

To get a piece of popcorn anywhere is difficult anyway.

So he's nervous and I get him calmed down.

We run the songs.

Ringo and I, and him, and

George Harrison's son, come by.

We do all the songs.

The wing songs, the Beatles songs, anything he wants to do.

This is, I mean, people would pay to see this.

Trust me, I know.

They've told me, and I said, I'm not going out on the road again.

Why?

Are you afraid of the popcorn?

Right, because they sell popcorn outside of movie theaters and stadiums.

So it's everywhere now.

They can get you anywhere.

No, but for real, though, for real.

For real.

I'm just joking about it, but for real.

I don't want to travel with those two because those two get together and they prank me.

This is, okay, so this is the real.

Is this why the Beatles broke up?

We've never heard these.

More or less.

There's only so many times I can walk into a doorway and have a bucket drop on my head filled with water or worse.

I read that the, you know.

What's worse?

Can I just interject?

Please go ahead.

Yeah.

Are we talking

chisholm?

No.

Oh, my God.

No.

That wasn't worth it.

No.

Not worth it.

I mean, a whole tour.

No.

Well, right, you run out of ideas and then you know.

No, just you're saving it up.

Oh.

No.

Those guys are like the jackass of music.

They're constantly just pranking each other.

Bingo.

Hi, my name is Paul McCartney, and welcome to Jerkas.

Was that a good good liver publican accent?

The best.

Hey, I just listened to you and I do it exactly the way you would do it.

Yeah, so, right, that I didn't want to do the pranking anymore.

That's understandable.

It's hard to be.

You know, you go to bed and find a cockroach in it.

Wait, are you sure they did that or were you just in a nasty hotel?

Who's to say?

But it was all around the same time of the pranking.

So it felt like it was all at me.

The bad energy.

It was a lot of bad energy.

So you found one cockroach in your bed one night.

Right.

And you quit the Beatles.

Well, when you say it right, when you say it like that, you're right.

I mean,

can you even be sure they put it there, really?

No, you can't be.

You can't.

Did you ever ask them?

Hey.

I was always shy around them.

Because you don't want to say the wrong thing or they'll throw it in your face.

This all might have been just an enormous misunderstanding.

I know.

Looking at it now, all these years past,

I can't help but feel foolish for not speaking up.

And that's something sort of we're all working on these days, right, folks,

when we're in therapy or with our loved ones.

Things are a lot easier when you communicate.

I like that you keep trying to engage the people that are behind you.

I feel so bad.

Versus, I'm like, fuck these assholes.

Oh, my God.

Can we talk about what you wrote for the book briefly?

Let's bring it up on the stage.

You were kind enough to send us something that you wrote.

You wrote a track-by-track review of The Beatles Record 1.

My absolute favorite Beatles album.

Yeah.

It's got the hits.

Well, it was a best of.

Best of, well, number one's not just best of, the best

of.

So you graded all of the tracks.

Graded all the tracks.

A lot of them got A's.

B plus.

Somebody did some drawings there.

I don't know who did that, but.

Oh, those weren't you?

I assumed that was you doodling.

Oh, no, I mean, I did doodles and then sent them in and say, do something like this.

And they did.

Then they did a worse version of my doodles.

And you were like, oh, no, I meant for you to do a better version.

Right, do a better version.

And then I think a lot of email exchanges, and I think the last one was just, well, you fucking deal with it.

And then

that was to me.

So then I had to go out and hire somebody with my own money.

I had somebody,

really great street artist, you know, tagging is what the, he was tagging everything.

It was tagged me.

I was walking by him.

And I said, you know, I jumped, I leapt out of the way because anytime you hear a hissing noise from the spray camp, I hate snakes, you know, so I

jumped away.

You famously are known for hating snakes.

I absolutely hate them.

A lot of your songs were about your hatred of snakes.

It's one of the things everybody knows about you that you have three children.

Right.

That your birthday is October 9th?

I say 8th.

Yep, sorry.

You might be right, I was guessing.

And that you are getting...

I hate snakes.

Hate snakes.

Can't stand them.

So, ooh.

It's because of the no legs, you know.

You hate, because I don't mind lizards.

Yeah.

How do you feel about spiders?

They're full of legs.

Well, they've got quite a few legs, but I don't like how light they are.

I don't like them at all.

I It's a lot with you.

Bubbles.

Chunky bubbles?

Big chunky bubbles.

I know.

Big chunky bubble.

I forgot the big paw.

Wasn't

the song Imagine about snakes originally?

You know how yesterday was about scrambled eggs originally?

Right.

Well, Imagine all the people fit better than Imagine all the snakes.

And we added an extra.

But yeah, imagine all the snakes slithering around, crawling into your shoes, crawling into your coat pockets, getting,

it was a Christmas song, and getting into the presents

and

looping the presents with their tail and scooting them out of the room.

Opening them and slithering up to your bed and saying, you got a Lego sample.

So ruining Christmas for you.

So in that rendition, the snakes speak and everybody understands.

Like, everybody speaks parcel tongue or something.

It was like that to me.

Is that the case?

Because I feel like watching the Peter Jackson documentary,

it seemed like the raw materials for a lot of those songs had to do with all sorts of stuff.

Like, were most of the hits we know snake-based?

Right.

He jumped in.

He started, well, not him, but whoever shot that documentary.

The guy who wanted you to perform in Egypt or whatever it was.

Whatever his name was.

That motherfucker.

Michael Summer.

Egypt, though.

Egypt, you know, a lot of snakes.

Bingo.

They worship them.

Yeah.

Remember when Indiana Jones

opened up the tomb?

Oh my god, Pete is crying again.

Oh, I just, you know, I let it go when you mentioned Danny Boyle.

Incredible.

I can't believe I got that joke.

Did you miss it and have been waiting all this time?

I did miss it.

That's a great thing.

You kept on thinking about it.

Okay, now you can relax.

But Indy opens the tomb and it's full of snakes.

So many snakes in Egypt.

Yeah, that's a big walkout moment for me.

You saw it in theaters?

Yep.

Anytime it comes out, anytime it's printed, they show it at theaters, I go see it.

Wait, Indiana Jones,

Indiana Jones?

Because it came out in the four years that you were dead.

Right.

So I see it when they do, yeah, when they show it now.

And then you walk out every time.

I walk out every time the snakes come, and I don't see the end of it.

I don't know how it ends.

And honestly, I don't really know how it begins because I'm always so late to go into the movies.

So I'm there for 20 minutes.

So if you wouldn't mind just for a brief moment, can you tell us what you think the plot of Indiana Jones is?

Sure.

Which one is this again?

Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Sure.

He's got, well,

you've got a hat, right?

And that's where you start.

It's about a hat.

It's about a hat, and what's under the hat is so important, which I think is really the lesson of that movie because we all sort of wear our own hats, but what's under it is the courage and determination to sort of

teach at a school.

So you walk in when he's teaching at the school.

For you, it's a college movie.

Right.

And I walk into that scene.

I go, Where's his hat?

Because I saw the poster.

He's got a hat on.

So eventually he puts it on and he zip it around with his whip.

And

I'm sure there's a car in there, and he throws somebody into a propeller of a.

Oh, actually, so you have seen quite a bit.

Quite a bit.

I walk out and in, I'm all over the place.

Then I want to say that

Then I want to say the credits roll at a very inopportune time

It's the end of the movie, right?

Well for me, you know inopportune because I wanted to see the 20 minutes I missed maybe if I ask if they maybe just loop it back you just keep it on a loop and then I can watch it and then leave when you but the so in that instance the credits would be in the middle of the movie.

Right.

Advantages.

It would be an interesting way of doing that.

I think.

So the in other words, the post-credit scene for the movie would be 20 more minutes of movie?

Right.

Yes, exactly.

You must really love what the Marvel movies are doing with the post-credit scenes.

I absolutely love the Marvel movies.

Yeah.

I'm there at day one on each one of them.

Have you ever thought maybe you should be in a Marvel?

I mean, Adam's going to be in a Marvel movie.

Is that so?

He's in Madam Webb.

Ooh.

Yeah.

There are no snakes in that movie, so you can come see.

A lot of spiders, though.

But spiders.

There are spiders.

That's fine.

Yeah.

but you will not want to see this movie.

Why?

It's not good.

No, well.

Thanks for the heads up.

Thanks, Adam.

So

that's a good poll quote.

Put it on the back of the book.

What does Madam Webb do?

What's her deal?

I don't know.

But

there are spiders.

But we should continue to dig in on it, right, and ask you a bunch of very specific questions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

what an incredible casting coup that would be.

To get me in the

Marvel movie.

I would have a dream come true.

I would like to be in Ant-Man.

Yeah.

Ant-Man.

Ant-Man, Quantum Realm.

Why would you want to be in that one?

Get small, get big.

I mean, that's really.

It says it all.

It says it all.

I mean, you look around this room.

If we could read the minds of people in here, every one of them, yeah, my superpower is getting small and getting big.

That's it.

What else is there?

Flying around.

You can do that when you're big, apparently.

Sometimes he's got the suit.

You have the suit for him.

Who's big that flies around?

I think he's more of a.

No, I misspoke.

I think he's so big he just steps to like the next country.

That's better than flying, right?

Just walking around.

Walking around the earth.

It's sort of the flying of the land.

That's a good one.

Being a giant?

Just walking.

Walking as a giant is the flying of the land.

Or you're saying walking, period.

Walking flying.

Period of the land.

What about cars?

Shit.

All right, John Lennon, everyone.

Thank you.

It's incredible that John Lennon's here.

I'm still...

I'm getting

some late-breaking news from Engineer Brett, who's backstage.

Everyone, give a hand to Engineer Brett.

All right, Brett.

Types of chowder.

New England's clam.

Manhattan clam.

Corn.

We've mentioned those.

Potato.

That's right.

Potato, chowder.

Fish.

Yeah.

Shrimp.

Yeah.

I just want to say, looking over your shoulder, I am shocked at how many more there are.

I tried to tell you.

Why didn't you list any of these before?

Because I wanted Scott to suffer.

And also it gives Brett something to do.

Yeah.

Cream.

Cream chowder?

I'd rather not, thank you.

Tonight, when you guys are making love to each other,

please say give me your cream chowder.

I love that you imagine any of these people are going to go home and fuck after this.

Are you kidding?

After this show, they're going to be all horned up.

I think this crowd's going to set a record for breakups.

Why did you drag me to that?

I told you I wasn't going to like it, and I didn't like it.

Why didn't you bring your brother?

Now we have chicken corn.

Chicken corn?

That's chicken and the corn?

Chicken and the corn.

So the corn can.

Chicken and the corn guy.

So the corn can.

I don't know what that is.

I don't either.

Yeah.

Anyway, a lot of variants of lobster and corn.

I mean, that's just corn.

Yeah.

So now it's just mixed and match.

Yeah, I don't know.

Why would it stop at clam?

Why not like any other kind of shellfish kind of scenario?

Well, I'm saying, why would they make a clam chowder and then say, that's it for chowders?

Oh, yeah.

What is a chowder?

It's gross.

Yeah.

You know how disgusting soup is?

Why do you do it?

What if it was

because the bubbles are beautiful and they glisten in the light?

But you hate children, you hate soup.

Yeah.

But what if it was, what if soup was thick, viscous, and full of clams?

And if you left it too long, developed a film on top.

Yum!

That's good bubbles.

I don't eat the bubbles, genius.

Why not?

Why not as a bubble?

Like, why not use bubbles to feed people?

You're never tempted to eat the bubbles.

How?

Which stupid question do I take first?

How many do you have time for?

I got time for two more.

Take him, then me.

I think feeding people with bubbles is like a slap in the face to someone who is hungry.

It's like giving someone a slice of Swiss cheese, you know?

How?

It's like, just give me the whole thing, you know?

No, the whole thing.

That is the whole thing.

The thing is the whole thing.

Are you hungry?

Here's a block of cheese.

Hello.

Make it last.

I won't be back here for another year.

Is this someone in witness protection?

Wait, what?

I won't be going for another year.

And that's an era he's the the federal agent checking in on?

That's what I assumed.

Wow.

That was

quite a leap.

You talk about the flying of the land.

You built that narrative so quickly.

It's so fast.

Which is a lot of backstory.

I was really excited.

Who's the only person that gives someone food for a year?

A federal agent who's checking in on someone in witness protection who's incapable of getting food for themselves?

Maybe an Instacart delivery person right before it's about to start snowing?

I don't don't know.

That's a long stall meal.

Well, that's on the person who ordered it from Instacart.

They only ordered a block of cheese, and that was it?

Can you order a block of cheese on Instacart?

That would be insane.

A big wheel?

We should try to get one delivered here tonight.

Do it.

Oh, wait.

I don't know how to make that come true, but I would love it.

Just a big block of cheese.

Maybe your chowder researcher could get on it.

You know that at like 1.30 a.m., there's going to be a poor guy out front being like,

I got a wheel of cheese here.

And the place is fully closed.

1.30 a.m., sir, we just ended 30 minutes ago.

Where were you?

Are you trying to get us to rush it along?

John?

I thought it would be funny to think of time in a different way.

Not unlike the quantum realm, if you really think about it.

Well, you know, speaking of movies, we have another guest.

Good, good.

And this is someone who has not been on the show before.

Someone who did not contribute to the book, but I heard he was in town.

And this is,

I don't know what they do in movies, but I'm guessing by his name he has something to do with movies.

Please welcome to the show Silver Screen Sammy.

Hello, Scott.

Thank you so much for being a fan of my work.

Hello, thank you so much.

Silver Screen Sammy.

Thank you so much.

So nice to meet you.

Thank you so much.

I'm Silver Screen Sammy.

That's three S's.

And I'm, of course, a KKK.

What's that?

Katona's cutest cinema critic.

Katona Neon.

Judith Cinemacritic in Katona.

Excite to be here on stage with such luminaries of the industry.

Of course, the Dragonfly from Doolittle.

Of course.

Of course.

Of course, James the Dragonfly, my number one

dragonfly from Doolittle.

Of course,

you're not going to have a lot to choose from.

Fighter on Shark Tale?

I chose.

Adam Scott, went through your INDV, wouldn't know any of your work.

Did a thorough search, it would all be right above my head.

And of course, Chunky Bubbles, famed children's entertainer.

Love his work.

Big Chunky Bubble.

Well, of course, I'm sorry.

John Lennon, yellow submarine.

One of my absolute favorite vehicles.

Out of curiosity.

Yep, ask away.

How old are you?

Eight.

Okay.

That helps.

That helps me.

Critic.

Don't know Adam Scott's work.

You look nice, though.

Thank you so much.

No, I meant him.

Oh, okay.

Thank you very much.

Okay, thank you so much for responding to my PR lady's emails.

Been looking for more gigs, trying to get on stage.

Mostly on the small screen is where I work.

Right, you so what do you actually do?

YouTube.

Yeah, you keep miming the size of the.

Yeah, because this is the size of the screen when I'm Katona's cutest cinema critic.

I guess I didn't realize that you were an eight-year-old film critic.

News 12 Westchester doing the movie reviews, of course.

It's a bit of a family business, a legacy business.

My father was a triple-S as well.

By the way, don't say those three S's together, otherwise, John here will think it's a snake.

My father was a

My father, of course, Stormy Springs Sammy, local weatherman, Westchester, New York.

He was a weatherman, okay.

A weatherman named Stormy.

Well, no, his name's Sammy, but Stormy Springs is the name.

Gotta have a gimmick.

Gotta have a gimmick.

So you talk about movies.

Sort of like that show Blank Check.

Have you ever heard that?

No, no, I only care about the TV.

That's legit.

Although I heard their fans are rabid on Reddit.

Weird access to grind, where they somehow forget all the context of the guests and anything they've done previously in their career.

It's the kind of show that you listen to if you like hearing people eat on mic.

That's what I've heard, and I think no.

Especially if you like hearing people decide what they're going to eat on mic, and then half an hour later, they eat the whole thing.

Once again, I've never listened, but I hear that some people like it.

I can't imagine that's true.

But I'm serious about the TV, and I feel a cultural responsibility because these days people aren't that media literate.

Yeah,

I've actually found the opposite to be true.

At the end of the day, it's all about story.

Movies need a great story.

And kids these days, they love their Mario movie, but they don't know anything about film history.

So I feel responsibility to get on the tube right there

and tell them about some of the classics that they don't know about like Sing 2 and Puss in Boots The Last Wish you gotta go back into the archives and watch the classics yeah you're you're an eight-year-old boy yeah what was the first movie or television show you ever sing two followed by puss in boots the last wish

Have you seen Puss in Boots, the first movie?

I've heard great things.

Okay.

Yeah.

I did have a bit of a breakthrough recently.

Oh, really?

What was that?

Came to my attention.

Breaking news.

I don't usually do that on the program, usually stick to the film reviews, but I got some news that, in fact, movies were made before I was born.

Yeah,

I mean, there's a long, rich tradition of cinema history dating.

This is what I'm finding out.

The very first movie of the train coming at the screen.

Well, that sounds scary.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Believe you, me,

I would scream if I saw that.

Scream, also the name of a series of movies.

I'm learning.

I'll take notes.

Look, the point is.

It would be good for you, especially if you are on TV talking about films, if you could

get a better sense of

what are the most influential movies that

are.

What an incredible tia.

You keep reaching for your bag.

What is inside?

What do you got in there?

I got a black atom swag bag.

Haven't seen it.

Sounded a little scary to me.

That is.

Do you want to show everybody that actually that is a black atmosphere?

It is a black atom swag bag.

And a black atom notebook.

Here we go.

Wait, it lights up.

It lights up.

Absolutely.

Oh, wow.

Wow, the power dynamic on stage just changed.

Hold on, one.

It's exciting to see something light up, isn't it?

It's fun.

So, I recently did some digging.

That's a black atom thermos as well, we should mention

comedy rule of fours.

Yeah.

As it pertains to props.

Of course.

I watched the Academy Awards with my father, and I went, This is great.

They should do this every year.

I hope it continues.

And he said, They've been doing it for a very long time.

And I went, Whoa, Nelly.

So that that gave me a bit of a watch list.

Okay.

Also, you've written down movies that you should

a couple capsule reviews.

Yeah, I mean,

it's a good

thing to be a little more aware of the medium that you're critiquing.

I'm trying very hard.

I'm constantly learning, getting better every time.

Now, I can't help but notice, looking over your shoulder, that on the top of the page, you've written Silver Screen Sammy to remind yourself of your name.

God, how embarrassing it would be if I flipped up one of those words.

Anyway.

So now, just to properly set the table, these are movies that you hope to see or movies.

Best Picture Winners I Have Watched.

I've been going down the winter.

You've been going down the list.

Wow.

Going down the list.

And by the way, I hope to see some of you in Best Picture Winners in the future.

Oh, that would be amazing.

I would hope it would be incredible.

Did the dictator win best picture?

I heard that was a very chill set.

So here are

some best picture winners I watched.

This is what confused me.

Because I watched the Oscars with my daddy.

He said, this is the best that cinema has to offer.

And I watched some of these older films and I thought they had all sorts of problems.

Oh, okay.

Well,

things sometimes don't age well.

I would love to hear what you think of that.

Plot holes.

Here's one I watched: Kramer vs.

Kramer.

Now, this is a wacky sci-fi movie.

I could not get my head around this concept.

It was the most confusing film I'd ever seen.

I don't, Silver Screen Sammy, I don't know that it was sci-fi.

I'm trying to ground a movie in some sense of reality.

This is what I always say when I'm on the TV.

What was confusing is unbelievable, yeah.

Well, because this premise is so unreasonable that a mommy and daddy would not stay together forever.

Uh-oh.

Oh boy.

I understand you're doing wacky sci-fi, but the buy-in here is so high.

Let me ask you, obviously your mommy and daddy are still together.

As is Lawrence.

I don't like you using those words.

Can I ask, do your mommy and daddy fight the way that the characters, was that believable to you?

Of course, and that's the little bit of relatability in there, of course.

You know, my parents are both working professionals.

Do you not know what

divorce is?

Well, I've seen the movie.

I don't think it's really a concept that's going to carry through in the cinema, but to you, it's something like a lightsaber.

You think it was made up for that idea?

And that technology doesn't exist and it never will.

Much like divorce.

Wow.

I mean,

next movie.

Oh.

Terms of endearment.

Uh-oh.

This movie was confusing.

Uh-oh.

This young lady splits up with multiple daddies.

Apparently, the Academy loved that.

And then at the end, she takes a nap and her mom freaks out.

And the movie ends before she ever wakes up from the nap.

I mean, talk about an unresolved cliffhanger ending.

Oh, boy.

This movie's got plot holes.

Let me ask,

was it believable to you when the mommy got sick?

Of course.

Everyone gets sick, including mommies.

Like, but that's sick?

I mean, is your mommy sick right now?

Or

taking the head, go on.

When you wake up in the morning every day, do you see your mommy and your daddy?

In love, yes.

Okay, Greg.

Okay, that's good to know.

Yes,

absolutely.

Sometimes she sleeps, but she always wakes up.

I hope, I mean, that's what's supposed to happen, so that's great.

Have you ever seen the movie Loose Change?

I think it should be required viewing for all eight-year-olds.

I haven't.

Tell me.

Ears wide open.

It's about, well, it's fun to have Loose Change in your pocket, right?

Of course, I like that.

Jingle jangle.

What else you got?

Okay.

Platoon.

You watched it.

Now this is one of the wackiest movies I've ever seen.

It's about the weirdest summer camp I've ever witnessed.

All they do is play paintball all day, every day.

But here's the thing.

When characters in the movie lose at paintball, they disappear and you never hear from them again.

That's where the story would get good, how bad they feel that they lost the game.

Do you lose at paintball all the time?

All the time.

Oh.

Oh.

I feel bad.

I gotta say,

he can't hear us right now.

Think of it.

It's a French connection.

Okay.

Now, this is a movie about a bunch of grown-ups being very serious about baking powder.

So mean.

Mmm, I hate that you're taking my baking powder.

It's at every supermarket.

It isn't hard to find.

This one guy hates subway trains.

He hates them.

Don't remember that part of the movie.

Hates them.

Some of these movies would probably play better if they were more recent.

Well, I tried to go as mainstream as I possibly could.

How did you feel about the French part of it?

Yeah, have you ever...

Can I ask, have you ever...

Because we're all pretty

anti-French.

Well, I was going to say, have you ever kissed a girl?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's what you were going to say?

Or a horror boy?

Hey, man.

Hey, man.

I'm not kidding.

I'm not saying you should kiss us.

I'm asking.

want to you don't want to understand you don't want to help the kid understand uh death or any of these other things but you want to know about french kissing well are you trying to kiss everyone on stage great job on the diversity booking by the way what an incredible lineup of daddies for me to kiss

middle-aged dudes that's who listens to podcasts you you put it out there and this is what responds

um literally you booked someone who didn't even contribute to the book

I would love to see this list in the book, though.

Maybe we could put it in the paperback.

Volume two.

Volume two.

Here's another thing in the French connection.

Oh, you asked me what I thought about all the French in it.

No, loved it.

More movies should have minions.

That's what they sound like to me.

Here was another thing in this movie.

They hate trends.

They love baking powder.

They keep on talking about female heroes, but there are no ladies in the movie.

How do I get myself a heroine?

Where's the heroine?

I want to find a heroine.

Almost no speaking parts for ladies.

More than this show, though.

That's true.

That's true.

Shakespeare in love.

Okay.

Right there in the title.

In love.

The weirdest thing happens in this movie.

I call it a plot hole.

The two main characters take off all their clothes and fight each other.

They get into a wrestling match.

They do some biting.

I thought they were in love.

Not arch enemies.

And then the next scene, they never talk about it ever again.

Silver screened Sammy.

Yeah.

I think you're misunderstanding these movies.

Like classics.

And I feel like maybe it's our responsibility to inform you about some of these subjects.

First of all, being sex.

Jason, go ahead.

First of all, which?

Sex.

Sex?

Yeah.

Okay.

Did you call it big sex?

I thought you said big sex.

I heard big sex too.

I don't know what either of those words mean.

You both heard me say big sex.

But it was being sex.

The first of which being sexy.

The first of which being sex.

We both heard big sex.

Big sex.

Anyway, tell me what big sex is.

Okay, so big sex.

There's big sex and there's little sex.

Okay.

I'm little, so we're skin standing.

You know what?

I don't want to explain it anymore.

Okay.

Next movie on the list.

That's too convincing.

The first best picture winner ever.

It's called Wings.

Now, they said this was the best movie of the year.

They forgot to turn the microphones on.

I watched this thing.

This is such an embarrassment.

What a blunder.

And then some some years later 2012 the artists they forget to turn the microphones on again

best picture Mike Tush

whoa language language come on silver screenshot kind of show I hope it's not big sex okay here's another one I watched this one I had a lot of problems with

American beauty

oh well I mean

I'm curious what your beauty

think the audience,

that's one of the ones that hasn't aged especially well.

I agree, in my opinion, attempts to satirize the American petit bourgeois, but instead presents a pastiche of suburban clichés undercut by cloyingly overwritten dialogue.

And the weirdest thing is two boys kiss at the end.

That's not who kisses.

Unless you're at a comedy banking book release, apparently.

Well, Well look, Silver Screen Sammy, I'm assuming you don't have any more.

No, you're wrong.

Based on what I'm seeing over his shoulder, the entire time we've been out here, he's been doing this.

Look, I hate to put a guy at the end of the show and then cut off his bits, so go ahead.

Okay, here we go.

I'll keep it quick.

Speed round.

Moonlight, this movie is about two friends who thumb wrestle on the beach and then spread a bunch of clam chowder in the sand.

Now, what is that?

Well, Well, big shots, big shopping bubbles.

Don't try to pass this over to me.

The Godfather.

Two movies, two best pictures, six hours long, zero Muppets.

Did you think there would be Muppets?

The Last Emperor.

This is nothing like the Emperor's new groove.

Silence of the Lambs.

Okay, first of all, don't eat people.

At least you understood that.

It's a moral tale.

Secondly, Jodi Foster goes to prison.

Some guy throws claim chowder on her.

Where did he get it from?

Big chunky bubbles.

Couple best picture winners I love.

No notes.

Green book, Driving Miss Daisy, Crash, Gone with the Wind.

And last of all, the biggest plot hole in any movie I've ever seen.

I watched this thing, Schindler's List.

Oh boy.

We all know the Holocaust didn't happen.

What is this?

Now

your KKK thing makes a lot more sense now.

Anyway, that's everything I think.

Silver screen Sammy, everyone.

And now a one-hour Q ⁇ A.

I see we've reached the two-hour mark of the evening, which...

How's the cheese wheel coming?

Yeah.

Is that going to come to us us at uh at some point or did you run this show on a time minimum

yeah unfortunately why

i like people to feel like they got their money's worth right i mean they got a book

Well, I mean if I went if I went to a concert, I would want to see at least two hours plus.

Yeah, exactly.

You know,

QA.

I think I saw the strokes once.

They played for 45 minutes.

No QA.

No thanks.

Strokes.

Do you know what the strokes refers to?

A couple of the best picture winners I watched have talk of strokes, but I didn't quite get it.

What?

Well, now's the time when you, we as the audience would like to rank all of our performers.

So we'll put put our hands above everyone's head and you applaud for your favorite ones.

John Lennon, everyone.

Okay,

big chunky bubbles.

Adam Scott.

Jason Manzoukas.

Silver screen Sammy.

Silver screen Sammy, you won!

Yay!

Yes!

Amazing!

Sing the song!

Underdog Story.

Sing your theme song.

No, you sing the song for the winner, Scott.

I already have a musical theater background.

And do your dance.

Yeah, we haven't seen the Disneyland dance.

Scott Ockerman's world-famous Disneyland dance.

No, wait, this was you auditioning for Disneyland and you had a dance?

It was a three-day audition process where we had to learn a dance.

Okay.

What would you have been?

Had you gotten it, what would you have been?

I did get it.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that.

Wasn't

I didn't know.

I genuinely didn't know.

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

Language.

Language.

Sorry.

Good to see you.

Silver Street Sammy.

What was the song that you danced to?

Let's see, it was 1987.

Right.

So.

Was it a Disney song, maybe?

Oh, that's right.

I originally thought it was She Drives Me Crazy, but

this is 1987.

But

yeah, Bibbity Bobbity Boo.

Are we still allowed to say that?

Only because it's so scary?

I'll sing it if you'll do the dance.

How is this the second night in a row?

Or

a 20-minute Q ⁇ A?

Like, 20-minute dance or 20-minute Q ⁇ A.

Whichever one you want, Stop.

Come on, let's go out on a hunt.

Come on.

All right, you want to sing Bibbity Bobby Baby?

Here we go.

If you forget any of the lyrics.

No,

I know this song by heart, like everyone does.

And everyone can sing along if they want.

Sure.

You ready?

Yeah.

It begins with Angela Lansbury giving a little spoken word intro.

I'm a witch, and it's World War II.

Let's have some fun with me and you.

Everyone likes to go to the zoo.

If you go to

Scott Ackerman, everyone.

That was wonderful.

That was incredible.

I almost broke my ankle again.

Those are not the shoes for that dance.

No.

Those are loose-fitting shoes.

Those are slippery.

And I think I got COVID for the second time.

Sorry, you shouldn't be doing that.

You're genuinely winded.

At 62, you should not be doing that.

62?

All right, everyone, that's our show.

Thank you so much.

Jason Manzukis, everyone,

Griffin Newman,

Adam Scott,

Mike Hanford,

and Paul F.

Tompkins.

Scott Arkerman.

Thank you, everyone, enjoy the book!

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