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Give every man thy ear, but but few thy voice, and give a medium amount of men thy ability to smell.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Not Alvaromendez for that catchphrase submission.

And thank you so much for it.

It's only two years old, submitted in September of 2023.

And appreciate it.

Hope you're still alive.

And

I hope all of you out there listening right now are still alive.

My name is Scott Auckerman.

I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang.

And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition.

And we have something very special on this episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

That's right.

It's the return of the CBB roundtable,

where the table is round,

but our guests are squarely.

How do I do this again?

Where the guests squarely are squarely amongst the issues.

I don't know.

I can't remember exactly what the tag of it is, but this is where we

honestly cut the BS of the normal show.

The normal show we have celebrities on, we have movie stars, TV stars,

comedians with their specials.

We're putting all of this that aside right now.

Who gives a shit about all of that?

Because we're here to talk about the issues of the day.

And I have an esteemed panel with me here today.

Three people.

And myself all around the roundtable.

One of us is at 12 o'clock.

I'm not going to give away our positions.

One of us is at 3 o'clock.

One of us is at 6 o'clock.

And one of us looks to be a little more like 9:30.

I wish they'd scoot over, get back into the there.

You go.

Okay, you're back in nine.

Thank you so much.

The table is round, folks.

That's one promise that we give at the CBB roundtable, and we're going to be cutting the shit and getting right down to the issues of the day on here.

Let me introduce my panel here.

They've never been on the show before, but they're here to talk about what's going on.

They are a local Los Angeles disc jockey

at 102.9 here at K40, which is KFRT, I believe.

Please welcome Whiz Bang.

Whoa, what's up, Scott?

102.9 Whiz Bang and the Frizz.

Whiz Bang?

Oh, where's the frizz today?

Do you mind me?

The frizz has passed away.

Just me today, brother, but hey, happy to be here cooking up in the studio with my main man, Scotty Scoot Man, Honkers, the Honkman, Rat, Fratty Pants, big Dookie Donk in those heavy underpants, king of the north.

Thank you so much.

May I ask, how long ago did the Frizz pass away?

Oh, Frizz got hit by a helicopter.

A helicopter?

This is Dr.

Rocket Romano style for me.

Yeah, yep.

Tuesday night, he went up to

this Tuesday night?

Yeah, this Tuesday night, we can freak on Diggle Pops.

We can rank on Wriggle Pops.

Hey, taking requests all night.

Wiz bang and the frizz.

So he went up to where you were saying?

He went.

Top of his roof on his building, I guess, smoked a cigarette and got hit square in the jaw by a helicopter.

That's what they don't tell you about standing on roofs of buildings: a helicopter will come by and just take you right out.

Oh, they'll whiz, bang, and the frizz.

Truer words have never been spoken.

And what is your

time period do you DJ in?

Are you a drive time?

2025.

Okay, so you're not a time traveler?

No.

But what are your hours?

Oh, I do the daily commute.

You know, someone's got to have someone to listen to.

Drive time, dive time, fly-by time.

Time flies by with whiz-bang in the fridge.

So what are we talking?

5 a.m.

to 9?

5 a.m.

to 5 a.m.

24 hours.

Plus one hour.

Extra 5 a.m.

So you're just, you're going 25 hours in a row.

Yep.

And then do you take a break?

And then I get in my helicopter and I cruise.

Wait a minute, wait, wait a minute.

Were you the person who ran into the frizz?

I can't be sure.

I was asleep at the wheel.

Okay.

Helicopter has a wheel inside.

A lot of people don't know that.

They have several wheels.

Wheel is one of the greatest inventions ever.

Do you agree?

I completely agree.

Right after the titty, my man, my main man, Scooty Honkers, give it to me here.

Okay, I don't know.

I don't think I can.

It's not really my brand.

Honk it.

Don't squonk it.

Exactly.

What's up?

Okay, I honked it once, but...

Honk, honk.

But I'm not going to squonk it, okay?

All right.

We'll see.

By the end of today, you'll be squonking it all for us.

All right.

Well, Whiz-Bang, wonderful to meet you.

Wonderful to have you here on the panel.

We're going to be talking about the issues of the day.

Are you prepared for this?

Nope.

Okay, well.

Well, we're going to get to them, and we're going to get your point of view.

And you have a valuable point of view, I think.

How long have you been an L.A.

native?

Ooh, you can't say native.

Okay,

how long have you been indigenous to Los Angeles?

I'm actually originally from Ohio, but I love the milky skies of Los Angeles.

It's a cool 88 degrees Celsius.

Celsius.

That's a little too hot, actually.

If it's 88 degrees Celsius, we are burning up.

We're in trouble.

It's going down.

I'm yelling timber.

All day request, radio HFA.

Uh, the frizz.

Well, it's wonderful to have you.

We're going to be talking about what's going on in the news, what's going on in our communities,

and I really value your input here as someone from not only Ohio, but you've been in Los Angeles for a while now.

62 years.

62 years.

Yep, just short of 69.

And when that hits, boy, things are going down.

I'm yelling Timber Request Live all night on 102.9, the frizz.

Not sure it's just short of 69.

You got about seven years ago, but good luck to you when you get there.

Let's get to our other, not our other guest, but another guest.

He is a cowboy.

And I didn't know that they still had cowboys, but I'm looking forward to talking to him.

Please welcome Rusty Hawkeyes Tufferford.

I'm a cowboy, baby.

Hey, Scott.

Happy to be here.

Mr.

Tufferford, so wonderful to have you on the show.

Thank you for

doing really well.

Howdy.

Of course.

Howdy.

Yee-ho.

All of the lingo.

I'm sure you know all of it.

Tell me about being a cowboy.

How long have you been a cowboy?

And

what exactly does a cowboy do these days?

Well, I'm a real well-rounded cowboy.

I think cowboy is a pretty broad term these days.

I've none at all.

I've been a hero.

I've been a villain.

I've been an under five-word actor in a film.

I've been a sidekick, a main man,

a rancher.

Did I say a villain already?

You said a villain.

The rancher is the first job you've actually said.

I've done it all, Scott.

I'm a well-rounded cowboy.

Are you sitting on a vibrating chair?

No.

I got a snake in my throat.

Oh, no.

Are you all right, sir?

Do you need assistance?

I don't think you want to go down in there.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

He might come out.

Who knows?

Okay.

We'll see.

I'm used to him.

Would love to.

Oh, how long has he been there?

Many, many years.

Okay.

And how old of of a gentleman are you?

I, you know, I figured out a lot of things about me.

Who, what, what, who, what, where, why, and when's the question I was hoping you wouldn't ask.

Okay, well.

Who, what, where, and why Wednesday on 102.9, The Freeze.

That's right.

And so, I mean, you must be about the same age because you've been here 62 years.

When did you move here, Wisbay?

When I was six months old.

So you're 62 in six months.

That's right.

Just but a baby.

Oh, and how old of a gentleman are you?

I don't want to talk about time.

That's right, I forgot.

It makes it a little tough to talk about time, but I am in the twilight of my life.

I'm quite old, Scott.

You think that there are less years in front of you than there are behind you?

Oh, absolutely.

I'm walking off into the sunset, and one day this giant hat's going to get put up on a barn and never come down.

That is a huge, huge hat.

I've heard of a 10-gallon hat.

How many gallons would you say?

This is about the size of a small swimming pool in an apartment complex in North Hollywood.

Wow.

About 8,000 gallons.

Listeners, if you can call in right now, guess the amount of gallons that this hat can hold.

Closest to win a flat-screen plasma.

I'm afraid I've already told down.

You said

8,000 gallons, I believe.

Listeners, if you can call in and say 8,000 gallons, you will win this flat-screen color screen TV screen plasma screen TV.

Wow.

I mean, we can't take calls here, unfortunately, whizbang, but I appreciate that.

Bring, bring.

Oh, bring.

Hello.

don't know who has our number hi i'm just calling to say hi i just wanted to guess 8 000 gallons oh my god who do we got on the phone here oh my god my name's bethany i just wanted to guess well you just welded yourself a flat screen tv bethany take care all right thank you

didn't leave any information on how to get this

wow that was quite impressive that was impressive how how do you suppose she'll get this flat screen are you gonna deliver it personally or scott can i be honest with you yeah i was the caller what yeah so i do I kind of do, you know, I don't have a phone system set up on my show either, so I'm kind of all the caller.

Oh, really?

Oh, so this is like a Phil Hendry kind of thing?

Yeah, it's exactly like Phil Hendry.

Where are you?

Phil Hendry.

Yeah.

It's very famous, but.

Look, listen to me.

Phil Hendry, it's exactly like him.

Okay, all right.

All right, good.

All right, whizbang.

Are you talking about Phil dead Lips Hendry?

Phil Hendry, the voice of Kermit the Frog.

I remember an old bandito named Phil Landry.

Okay, this is Lips Landry.

This is one of your antagonists in your life story.

Yes, it's so nice to remember the good old days of the American frontier.

The American Frontier.

When did we get into the bad new days?

1920.

1920.

So everything pre-1920 was great.

1860 to 1920 was whoops.

No 2.9.

Good for me.

Wow.

Well, it's Rusty.

Can I call you Rusty?

You can call me Rusty or you can call me Hawkeyes.

Hawkeyes.

And what does that refer to, your nickname?

When I was a baby, my first eyes were not my own.

They were hawk-seyed?

They were hawk's eyes.

Yeah.

And so why is your nickname not hawk's eyes?

Well, it doesn't have a good roll off the tongue.

And Hawkeyes does?

Yes.

It's a lot easier.

It wasn't easy for me to say because I stumbled over

Tufferford.

Tufferford.

Because because I'm one tough son of a bitch.

Well, we used to shoot, I miss shooting people, Scott.

It seemed like you could do that way more back in the days of the old West.

You better believe it.

No one would care.

Everybody was killing everybody.

And these days, you can't even crack.

You can't even crack a joke about shooting somebody in the rump.

These days, I mean,

you can't even

make jokes about a lot of stuff.

Amen, brother.

Father God, you killed your only son on the cross.

Oh, Jesus.

Gave him a crown of thorns and put his head with blood.

Amen.

Okay, well, it's wonderful to have you here, Rusty.

I'm going to call you Rusty, if that's okay.

That's fine.

And let's go.

Your voice is beautiful.

I just love the way it shakes.

Thank you so much.

Just reminds me, you know, on my show, I have

this little masturbation kind of tool that I make women sit on, and and it shakes them around.

A Sibian?

Perfect alert caught you in the action.

What?

No.

Sounds like you're sitting on one of those.

What?

No, I'm not on a Sibian.

How do you make your voice do that thing?

There's a snake in my broad

sure.

Let's see that Sibian that's underneath you.

I'm not sitting on no Sibian.

The only thing I'm sitting on is my mule, Klop Schlapperman.

Oh, Klop.

I didn't realize you were on a mule there.

I can't see under the table.

He's a very small mule.

Okay.

Well, the table is round and plenty room for a mule under there.

That's all I have to say about the CBB roundtable.

That's all I have to say about it.

Don't say anything more, or I'll hold you to it.

I'll say, hey, remember when you said you didn't want to, you crossed your own boundaries.

Be me honest, Rusty.

Hey, I need you here.

I'm right here.

Well, let's get to our final, the final member of our panel here.

And

he's a folk singer.

He also

famously, I believe,

portrayed a snowman in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer I I think please welcome Burl S.

Ives oh the mendacity Scott you got my name wrong I'm so sorry what what part of it did I get wrong I understand it's very understandable the S is not an initial it's S.

My name is Burlesque Burlesque Burlesque Ives.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I must have misheard your PR person who brought you over here.

Yes,

Burl Ives died 30 years ago, Scott.

Oh, oh, oh, okay.

And who are you?

I'm Burl Esk Ives.

I'm a reimagining of your favorite folk-singing, family-friendly, Oscar-winning actor.

Okay, so you're like a reboot.

Correct.

Okay, well, great.

Oh, it's wonderful to have you here.

Thank you very much.

I'm glad to be here.

And are you related to the famous Burl Ives?

I'm a reimagining of him.

Right, okay.

So it's sort of like,

I guess, when comic books reboot, the new 52s.

It's a little like that, yes.

Yeah.

Are there there parts of your origin story that are a little bit different than the original Burl Ives?

A computer took all of Burl Ives.

That's a lot of material, right there.

That's right.

Yeah.

Physically and

in terms of his work.

His output,

his oeuvre.

That's right.

The computer.

This is your origin story?

That's right.

A computer took all of Burl Ives and

revamped him for today.

Okay.

And what is more modern about you than the original Burl?

I contain all of modern sexual politics and social liberalism.

Okay, so the George Floyd protests.

Never mind.

Why don't you catch him up to screen?

No, that's okay.

I really, I don't feel qualified necessarily.

Then why'd you bring it up?

Look,

he opened the door.

I just thought I'd walk through, but then my love opened the door.

Call all day and all night.

Radio requests.

So, I mean, the original

Burl Eichel Ivanhoe Ives, he was born in Hunt City, Illinois.

That's right, 1909.

1909, and you were made by a computer.

That's right.

So that's one of the many differences.

Right.

I'm all the intellectual property of Burl Ives.

Modernized.

Okay.

And then you also, your name is Burlesque Ives.

Correct.

And why did you change it to Burlesque?

Well, there happens to be

people are much more sexually evolved than they were when I was alive.

Okay, so you.

I mean, he was alive.

So you think that if the original Burl Ives were alive today, he would do the same thing because people are more sexually adventurous?

That's right.

I've taken all the subtext out of his folk songs and put them all as text.

Okay, so his many folk songs like Funny Way of Laughing, A Little Bitty Tear.

Yeah, but not those two specifically.

Those they didn't use.

Do you have any powers that Burl Ives didn't have?

Any special abilities or anything?

Tell us about your powers

as a modern reader.

Reveal your powers.

Well, I definitely have character actor power.

Okay.

Right?

I think the original had that too.

That's correct.

Like Austin Powers.

Do I make you horny, baby?

Wonderful character.

Wonderful character.

Wonderful franchise.

We were all very proud of our work in those films.

And

I was in number three, of course.

And gold member.

And I go.

That's right.

That's something me and him got in common.

Tom Cruise and I have started a movie together.

Wow.

Do you get a cake?

I don't get one of those.

You don't get a coconut cake?

I got a coconut cake.

He never sends me one.

Wait, Tom Cruise and you did a movie together?

Gold member.

Yes, Austin Powers Gold member.

Tom Cruise?

Tom Cruise was in Gold Member?

What was he?

The back of Fat Bastard's hand?

He portrays Austin Powers in the beginning of the movie.

Oh, right.

In an uncredited cameo, but I still counted as we started in a movie together.

I'll give it to you.

You would too.

I would.

I would.

You know, I would.

I mean, hell, I'm still talking about what I was hanging out with.

Two-bone Charlie.

Two-bone.

Why would they call him Two-Bone Charlie?

He only had two bones.

Which one?

Spine and a cock.

What point could he play pool?

One of those is many bones, and the other one's not one at all.

Come on, give it to him.

Give it to him.

Give it to him.

Come on, Burlesque.

Give it to him.

Fine thing to do.

22-bone Charlie doesn't have the same ring to it.

He's got several small bones in a cock, they'd say.

Me too.

I mean, look, who amongst us?

Well, gentlemen, it's wonderful to have you here on the program here.

It's wonderful to have you with us, Scott.

Just steaming up the studio with your charisma.

We are loving it.

Thanks for joining us.

I love that.

Whizbang, so good to have you here.

And again, my condolences about the it was the frizz or the that's right.

May you rest in peace.

You brought a lot of your drops with you, I noticed.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the dropboard's broken, so I've been doing it all by mouth.

Yeah, I know.

It seems like you don't have

the ability to take calls.

You don't, your drop board is broken.

No, but I can do it all.

You know, you're making me really want to have a drop.

There's just something about the fun you're having.

Well, you did have that whip sound.

That's just just my whip.

Oh, okay, right.

It's on the side of my mural.

Well, gentlemen, it's so wonderful to have you here on the CBB roundtable.

We're going to get to the issues of the day.

The table may be round, but we're just squarely in the middle of the issues.

I think that's how I said it.

And are you guys prepared for this?

Absolutely, Scott.

And if you guys are driving at home, stay at home driving.

What's on your minds?

Before we get to the questions of the day, what's been on your minds lately?

I'll start with Burlesque Ives, who is, of course, a modern reboot of Burl Ives.

What's on my mind?

What's in your crawl?

What's sticking in your crawl?

What's going on?

What have you been thinking about?

What are the issues of the day, according to you?

Well, I hear gay marriage is a thing, and now it's soon to be not.

Possibly, yeah.

Here I am, new to the world, and I'm not even going to get a chance to experience gay marriage.

Yeah, either participating in it or looking lovingly at it.

Either way, I'd like to do it all.

I'd like to get it from all angles.

Sure, yeah.

I mean, look, as human beings, we only go around this lifetime once.

Why not do every single thing that's available to us?

Legally.

The original Burl Ives could never.

Who knows if he wanted to?

Well, I do.

Oh, you do?

Oh, really?

Was he interested in that?

Well, I can't tell.

Well, then why bring it up?

You brought it up.

Oh, okay.

I mean, he was

married twice, once to Helen Pack Elric, and once to Dorothy Coster Paul.

Are they still with us?

They actually married each other.

Did they?

Good for them.

Yeah, 1995.

Once I passed away, they married each other.

I'm sure they had a lot to talk about, having you in common and whatever happened between you.

Sometimes a common enemy is the strongest bond.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

From what I understand, they found out afterward.

Oh, they got married and then they found out afterward that each of them was separately married.

That's right.

They're like, why were you signing this check from Burl Ives's estate?

This one's for me.

And they said, no, the other one said, that's mine.

And they both realized they were getting checks for my estate.

That's an incredible story.

His estate.

Sorry.

No problem.

I understand it's confusing.

You never mentioned it, do you have any powers?

Well, tell me your powers.

Austin powers.

I think we got off on the Tom Cruise of it all.

You were in a movie with Tom Cruise?

He sure was.

I like gold.

Well, I have the power to look on the top like a burly, middle-aged snowman, and at the bottom,

you know,

fishnet stockings.

Oh, okay.

I mean, it's not a power as much as just, you know, what you look like and what you're dressed like.

Okay, ladies, call in anytime if you feel like your tits look like a snowman and your legs look like fish.

Anytime.

Oh, wait, we're getting a call right now, it seems like.

Hello.

Oh, my God, is this Sharon Osborne?

It's me, Ozzy.

Condolences on your loss.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, Sharon.

How are you doing?

How are you holding up?

I'm holding it together, Ozzy.

I was so sad.

She's still saying, Ozzy.

Even though he isn't.

I wanted to guess how many gallons could that hat hold.

Oh, no, we've moved on to.

1,000 gallons.

You're off, but we've moved on to, you were supposed to call in if your tits look like snowmen.

Oh, yes, they do.

Bye.

Oh, okay.

Thanks for calling in.

And any of you ladies on the road, call in anytime today.

It's all requests, all live.

Avril Levine.

Well, that's exciting.

All Avril Levine, if you request it.

I'm sorry, my mule keeps farting.

It's okay.

I understand when a live animal is in the studio.

And anything on your mind, Rusty, speaking of which?

Oh, just that I'm getting towards the end of my life and remembering the good old days.

I miss going on hideouts, Scott.

Yeah, that must have been so fun to be hanging out in the Badlands with bad, bad,

bad men.

So you would essentially rob a bank or a street train.

Yeah, and then retreat to a hideout.

And just keep cool.

Just kick it.

Hey, we kick it.

We post up

old school style.

Sure, the oldest.

We get nasty in that thing.

So wait, you guys would rob a train and then go fuck each other in this hideout?

Hey, what you doing in Badlands?

Stays in the Badlands, Scott.

So did it stay in the Badlands or have you taken that behavior outside of the hideouts in the Badlands?

I leave it there.

You leave it there.

I leave it there.

Okay, so whatever goes on in the Badlands just goes, stays in the Badlands.

Absolutely.

Back then, a bunch of bank robbers wouldn't have been comfortable telling people that they all had sex with each other after they pulled a heist, but today, bank robbers can have sex with each other all they want.

Oh, you got to make such a high with the cash flowing out the bags from the horses behind because you're romping so fast, and there's really only one place to take that kind of energy.

It makes you horny, Austin Power style.

Oh, the mendacity.

Was that what Burl Ives' catchphrases?

Yes.

Oh, the mendacity.

Was that from Rudolph?

I can't remember.

Yeah, Rudolph filled with mendacity.

He was.

I mean, you know, for a reindeer.

Of course, we have to update that song.

Oh, really?

What's the new update, Burl?

Rudolph, the horse-hung reindeer.

Okay, well, I mean, yes, pop culture has gotten a little coarse since you've been away.

That's right.

We've got to cut through the chatter and make people want to listen to the whole thing.

Yeah, got to be noisy in order to gain the attention.

It's the attention.

Are you telling me people aren't listening to whole songs anymore?

They're not.

What are they doing?

They're, I mean, they'll listen to about 15 seconds of a sped up song on TikTok.

Oh my gosh.

I mean, TikTok probably meant something different to you back in your day.

TikTok was what you were looking at when you're about to rob the train.

You were looking at your stopwatch, getting them all lined up with all the other robbers and villains and crooks and criminals.

So back in the day, you would look at your stopwatch.

Yes.

And instead of short form content, you would just see the numbers on it.

We'd see the numbers and we knew it was time to ride.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Well, I mean, think, yes.

Yeah.

Let me horny, baby.

I'm a cowboy, baby.

Well, you know what?

We're going to get to the issues of the day.

Whizbang, I didn't ask you what's on your mind.

Do you have anything on your mind?

I mean, you're still grieving.

I'm missing the frizz.

You said it.

What did the frizz offer to your partnership?

Oh, we were whiz-banging the frizz.

Sure, but what?

Heehawks, ChuckleFucks, back and forth, stuff like that.

How did he compliment?

Tickle, tickle, kiss, kiss.

Stuff like that.

Stuff like that, yeah.

So you guys would go on hideout, too.

Sure, yeah.

In the Badlands?

Yep.

Spending a lot of time there, huh?

That's right.

Stepping to the bad side.

So it seems like you, I mean, and that's where, I guess, our modern society, you have that in common.

All three of you are very sexually adventurous in a way.

I'm not.

You're not, really?

I've never had sex.

You're, uh, I mean, we call them virgins.

Oh.

Are you, you, you're, you're, you're not experienced in that way.

Meet Virginia.

She doesn't own a dress.

Harry's always a mess.

You catch a stealing.

She won't confess.

So Scott, we don't have the rights to any of the songs, which is why I've been singing though.

Well, that's okay.

Yeah, that'll fool the algorithm.

But do you want to have sex?

And I'm not saying

people seem to like it.

What do you guys think?

I mean, Rusty, burlesque?

I'm programmed to be sex positive.

So as long as you're into it and he's into it, I'm into watching.

Consent.

Oh, you're oh, you like to watch it.

That's right.

Oh,

silver and gold.

This is silver and gold.

I'm a cuckold.

I'm a cuckold.

So that's the new one.

I'm so happy to see

my wife being plowed like the driveway under my Christmas tree.

That's beautiful, and that's a great update.

I love that.

I love the sound of that.

That'll make the new generations really into that.

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, exactly.

So, no, sex is good.

Sex is fun, and it gets better when you're more connected with someone.

Well, sex is natural.

Sex is fun.

Sex is best when it's one-on-one.

That's beautiful.

Did you write that?

I didn't.

A little gentleman by the name of George Michael wrote that, who I wish they would reboot.

Missed Little Gentleman?

Did he win the pageant?

George Dusty Rumps Michael.

He was Miss Little Gentleman of, I believe, 2002.

Oh, my God.

What a high honor.

Yeah, it was incredible.

By the way, which year were you missed, little gentleman?

Oh, I know I saw the posters.

I was in 1973.

Oh, actually.

Wow.

Yeah, before the Austin Powers franchise.

Are you going back for the Crown Little Miss Gentleman All-Star round?

Yeah, we're doing the All-Stars celebrity round.

I'm recording on that.

I'll have a booth set up.

Oh, okay, great.

I'd love to see you there.

I'd love to see you there.

Well, whoever sees each other first, it'll be me.

I'll have my eyes on you.

Okay, well, I hope not.

See you coming from a mile away.

Okay, well, you know, we do have to take a break before we get to the roundtable, if that's okay.

But when we come to- The roundtable table where the table's round and the people are square, and the opinions are squarely in the middle of the round fucking table.

Yeah, exactly, whiz-bang.

When we come back, we're gonna get to the issues of the day, we're gonna hear from our panel what they think about what's going on in the world.

Um, we're gonna take a break when we come back.

We'll have more whiz-bang, more rusty hawkeyes, Tufferford, more burlesque eyes.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back.

We're back for the CBB roundtable, of course, where we tackle what's on everyone's minds out there.

And we have an esteemed panel here today.

Of course, we have WhizBang, the disc jockey from

Los Angeles 102.9, KFRT.

I will always love you on.

That's a wonderful string of sound effects.

And of course, we have established that your board is broken, so you're doing all of those lives.

My board is broken, but my brain ain't.

That's right.

That's still working.

And of course, RIP to the frizz.

Thank you.

Was there a funeral or?

No funeral for the frizz.

That was kind of his one thing that he would always say.

He would always say no funeral for the frizz?

That was to sign off on the show.

Really?

Yeah, he would go,

no funeral for the frizz.

Okay, so those were his wishes.

So, are his ashes going to be scattered with a small congregation of friends?

Yeah, yeah, maybe, maybe.

Get some of the fans out.

We might make it into a contest.

Oh, okay.

That sounds, I mean, we can catch the most, you know, ash from there.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, how would one quantify that?

Catch it on your tongue, turn it to goose, put it in a cup.

We can weigh it out.

We do all sorts of fun stuff on the radio.

Sounds fun.

Yeah, it sounds great.

Well, yeah.

By the way, I love your radio show.

I think you're an impeccable host.

Thank you.

And if you ever want to be, you know, the frizz, I'd be happy to have you.

I mean, I might be looking for a lateral career move.

And you could make up your own name.

You don't have to be the frizz.

Whizbang and the.

The jizz?

Well, you started doing J-sound.

I know, yeah.

And then I was going to take it into an even worse direction, I think.

But

let's talk about this on the next break.

What do you say?

I mean, what's the pay?

You know?

Oh, absolutely.

No pay.

No pay.

Yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

But the colors are hot.

Okay, I thought that you played.

Well, we pretend to be the callers, but I always do kind of like a hot girl.

Like a hot girl voice.

Can I hear an example of it?

Give me a phone sound effect.

Bing, bing, bing, bing.

Oh, we got a caller.

Who's on the line?

Hello.

That's not.

It's me, Sabrina.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I'm just calling because I fell off the stairs.

My skirt's wrapped wrapped up.

She needs help.

Okay, we can call 911 for you.

What is your location, madam?

Oh, 1-800.

1-800?

How many M's is that?

It's got to be at least seven.

Okay, 1-800.

Okay, I'll call 9-1-1.

Bring, bring, bring, bring.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Is this 9-1-1?

Yeah.

We have an emergency.

Someone fell down the stairs.

Oh, no.

Heard something about their outfit getting torn off or something like that.

It wasn't a skirt got flipped up over her head.

Can't breathe in the skirt.

I think it was something like that.

You got to get there.

Please, they need assistance in a hurry.

Oh, okay.

I'm over here.

All right.

This is an epic opportunity to do the prank where we have the 911 operator and we have the victim.

We put them on the line and we make them each think they called the other one.

Bring, bring, bro.

Let's listen in.

Hello?

State your emergency.

Wait.

Hello?

State your emergency.

It's working.

It's working.

I'm cracking up in the studios.

This is some funny shit, man.

This is good.

Now we're going to call a pizza parlor and make them think they ordered the pizza.

I'm linking in the call now, okay?

Bring, ding, ding, ding, cocoa, coco.

Uh, dumb pizza.

Uh, I'm having an emergency.

Whoa, slow down.

Wait, wait, who's ordering?

What?

Wait, wait, wait, you sound hard.

Wait, what?

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

Okay, I'm hanging up on this.

We're banging the fridge.

Yeah, I mean, this is, this sounds like a good opportunity.

That's That's the kind of pranks that we do.

That's the kind of pranks you do, yeah.

Yeah, so I think you could be good for that.

Okay, let's talk during the break about this.

But

I have to introduce the rest of our.

But, but, we, we.

But, but, wee.

But, we, we.

That's what you sound like.

Of course, we have Rusty Hawkeyes Tufferford here.

I'm a cowboy, baby.

Yee-haw!

Howdy, whoops!

And he brought his own sound effects, I guess, it seems.

It's contagious.

Yeah, and he's on a mule, which is under a tiny miniature mole a toy mule i wouldn't call him miniature he's just small okay uh and uh we also have of course burlesque ives here oh the mendacity oh

uh and uh burlesque ives of course being a reboot of the famous I guess famous is the right word, although people don't really know about him all the time.

Famous, infamous, people don't know about him.

He won the Academy Award for Big Country.

Big Country is a movie?

Yes, with Gregory Peck.

Everybody knows that.

It's weird for a guy to be named after his style of kissing, isn't it?

Gregory?

Yeah, exactly.

That was a very Gregory kiss.

Gregory's style, baby.

I learned this in Greece.

Well, guys, we need to get to, of course, the CBB roundtable.

We need to get to the issues of the day and talk about what's going on.

I mean, look,

everyone's talking about it.

Things have been

really

kind of crazy of what's going on these days.

And every time you kind of pick up the newspaper, and honestly, it's more these days, it's more like reading headlines or reading tweets about headlines, if you know what I mean.

It can be overwhelming because so much is going on, and there's.

Oh my God, the snake.

Get that snake back.

Wait, that's your real voice?

Come here, get that snake back.

Shoo, shoo.

We're back in business, baby.

Okay.

Sorry about that.

You had such a rich, sonorous voice here without the snake.

I sound exactly the same.

I beg to differ.

Oh, really?

I hope I don't have to beg, but I will.

You don't.

Okay.

Please don't beg.

I'm just going to differ, though.

I'll fold if you beg.

Okay.

Well, the snake's back in there.

It feels good.

Everything feels right and spig and span.

Okay.

Well,

everything is crazy.

It seems like the world can be oppressive these days with everything that's going on in the news.

It can seem overwhelming.

It can seem like a little bit too much, and that's what the CBB roundtable is here for, is for us to kind of get all these issues out in the open.

You can't even run a scheme anymore, Scott.

Schemes are very difficult, although you can't even hang out with Morgan the Cheat Lawless.

What was Morgan the Cheat Lawless like?

Oh, he was a pool shark, and he'd play these games and rack people's bills up.

And he'd say, Pay up, and they never had the money.

And he said, We could call it even if you show me your hog.

Oh, okay.

Wow.

And people would take him up on the shop.

Oh, you better believe they were flashing hog left and right, Scott, to get out of their debts.

I guess I didn't really ever think of the old west that way with people just flashing hog all the time.

We're flashing hog.

You were flashing hog.

I was flashing.

Oh, yeah, if you got a good one, flash it.

So you have a good one.

Oh, it's nice.

It's

whoops.

Snake coming out again.

Hey, come back.

Yeah.

Okay, he's got it by the tail.

All right, we're back.

We're back.

Well, in any case,

let's get to the questions of the day.

Let's get to the topics of the day.

Everyone ready here for the CBB roundtable?

Oh, yeah.

All right, here we go.

Everyone's been talking about this.

What is your most used emoji?

Everybody's been talking.

Everyone's talking about, like, oh, look at all these emoji.

Oh, look at all these emojis that are available.

What is the one that I use the most?

Well, for me, it's the sunset because that's what I'm walking off into.

Oh, that is gorgeous.

So when

you text people, I would imagine, you don't have an old-timey stopwatch any longer.

No, I have tried to update with the times.

Okay.

It's hard not to.

I've noticed that you have a modern iPhone, but it's connected to a fob chain and it's in your vest.

Yeah, yeah.

It's like a lighter leash, but for a phone, so it never goes too far.

Okay.

So what's the last text that you sent?

My last text just says, you want to get some carne asada or chile verde?

And then does it have the sunset emoji right there?

You better believe it.

Wow.

And that's because you're going to die soon.

Well, yeah, soon I'm dying.

And I got to be honest, I'm going to be going into retirement soon, Scott.

So you're going to retire and then die?

Yeah, I'm going to a retirement community, Scott, and then I'll slowly die.

Well, then just don't go into the retirement community.

No, I got to go.

It's already paid for, Scott.

I'm going to Laguna Kush Village.

It's a beautiful, beautiful retirement community.

This isn't where I think it is.

What do you mean?

I mean, I hear.

Laguna Kush Village?

What do you mean, Scott?

Don't tell me this is in Kushtopia.

You know, Kushtopia?

There have been guests on this show who have talked about this.

No way, Scott.

I read about it in a brochure.

The lore about Kushtopia

accumulated over the episodes.

Well, it's a...

Tell me.

It's another dimension.

Another dimension.

The pamphlet says an alternate planet Earth, but sure.

Okay, well, and it's in.

Most everything is made entirely of Kush.

That's what the brochure says.

Mostly everything's Kush.

Although they do have trains that are made of metal.

Yeah, well, what else would it be made out of?

It would be hard to run if it was just Kush.

You've heard of it.

That's so great.

Have you been?

I've never been, but I, there, various guests on this show have been to Kushtopia.

That's so exciting.

I can't wait to go.

Okay, well, I mean, I honestly, I don't want to hear any more about it.

There have been too many guests who would talk.

I mean, Wiz-Bang, have you heard about Kushtopia at all?

Oh, yeah.

It's where my ex-wife lives.

Your ex-wife lives there?

I go every Christmas.

Oh okay.

What's it like there?

Oh Kushtopia is it's insane.

The trains are made of Kush.

No.

It's one of the few things that's actually not made of Kush.

In Kushtopia, mostly, according to the brochure words,

mostly everything's made of Kush.

But the trains have to be metal.

It doesn't make sense.

A train made of nugs?

What are you doing?

Hollowing it out?

You couldn't ride in a hollowed-out pair.

I've been there.

I've seen it.

What's your favorite thing about it?

The train?

Mid Kush?

You ride it.

That Kush gets lit.

It goes steamy and the puff come out.

I think

he's lying about that.

I'm not.

That's the one thing that we established is not true.

Whiz Bang, you don't have to lie to seem cool to us.

I've been to Kushtopia.

I've smoked a train.

Wait, so you've met a lot of the people from Kushtopia if you've been?

Yes, Puffy Masterson, Big Blunt Berry.

These are not the people that I've met.

Corey!

Well, there's so many.

Scott, you can't just think that there's only six people here.

The motorcycle guy.

Yeah, Marty Motorcycle.

Yeah, right.

He turns into a motorcycle, and he always forgets his motherfucking gun.

Right, and who else is?

An original Lisa Gilroy character.

There's Mr.

Toots.

Mr.

Toots, of course.

Yeah, Toots.

Cooter, the supercomputer.

Right.

The executioner.

Oh, the executioner.

Yeah.

Mr.

Toots, the the second time?

Yeah.

A lot of people from Kushtopia have been here, but.

You said Kushtopia.

You've never been there.

You've never been there.

I said I had never been there.

Oh.

I actually don't want to hear about it anymore.

I'm surprised you're going.

Oh, it says that everything was mostly Kush, and that felt like a good way to retire.

So you enjoy partaking the...

I'm going to try it for the first time.

Really?

What if it doesn't agree with you?

Suddenly you're in an alternate earth.

I don't know.

I feel like being a cowboy out on the prairie, you kind of get used to certain things, certain discomforts, certain comforts, certain discomforts, and certain comforts.

Are you used to like sleeping on tumbleweeds and stuff like that?

I miss tumbleweeds.

I mean, kush is a lot like a tumbleweed.

You don't see tumbleweeds anymore.

Are there tumbleweeds in cushopia sky?

I think they're made of kush.

They'd probably be made of kush.

I'd have to guess.

I mean, if they're not a train, I think they're made of kush.

Mostly everything.

Not pizza.

Pizza is just pizza.

Pizza is just pizza.

Pizza, pizza.

Which means there's wheat fields.

Yeah, there's wheat fields for the bread.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there are cows that make the cheese.

For sure, for sure.

So a lot is not actually Kushopia.

Well, it depends what a lot is, right?

It's all percentages.

So for Kushtopia, the cows make the cheese?

Yeah, what else would?

What else would make cheese?

You think you're squeezing a nug's nipples trying to get some fucking nug milk?

People make cheese.

That's very telling of what you're into, my man.

That's what all your accumulated computer data got to is that you want to eat human change.

There was no data in

my processing network about Kushtopia.

So, no, I'm not aware of that.

Or it's an alternate Earth burlesque.

How would there be anything in the computer about it?

Well, I guess Burl Ives didn't know anything about it when he passed away.

Burl Ives would probably love it.

Maybe.

Yeah, did he ever partake of the kind?

Absolutely not.

It wasn't socially acceptable to smoke cannabis back

from the 1909 to 1995.

Well, now, you know, now it is, and everyone's been there, and you got to check it out, Colin, now to win two tickets to Kushtopia, where the pizza is made of Kush.

No, no,

let's break it down.

Let's break it down.

What is made of Kush and what is not made of Kush?

Mostly everything's made of Kush.

Okay, except for

trains.

Because they have to work.

They have to work.

People have to get to work on time.

They have to get to wherever they're going on time.

You couldn't travel in a hollowed-out pizza.

Right.

Pizza is pizza.

Pizza is just pizza.

Pizza pizza, right?

And so all of the ingredients in pizza, to me, there are tomatoes,

tomato fields, farmers who work on tomato fields, I would imagine.

Yeah, there are farmers who have cows who make the dairy according to the brochure, yes, right?

And then there are pepper, like what are the toppings?

Cheese or pepperoni.

Just cheese or pepperoni.

They keep it easy and simple down in Christopher.

No halves and halves.

So, so I guess they have,

what is pepperoni made out of?

Like cow or

pig, pig, pig.

Pig pig.

They got little pigs.

So they got little pigs.

So those are not made of cushion.

No.

There are cush pigs.

But there are little nugs that got little nubbins and little tails and little snouts.

But they have grown enough real pigs in order to make pepperoni.

Absolutely.

Are there hot dogs?

No.

So no hot dogs.

The hot dogs are made of cush.

Oh, okay.

They're called smoke dogs.

According to the brochure.

This brochure has a lot of information.

Look at it.

Oh, my God.

You can hang right off this thing.

I have a song for this.

Let's go fly a kite up to the highest height.

When I say fly a kite, I mean do hard drugs, mushrooms, and cannabis, cocaine and angel dust.

Let's all go fly a kite.

That's gorgeous, brother.

I love doing PCP.

I'm this angel dust.

It's not the same anymore.

You've done a lot of hard drugs.

You've just got to do it.

I've been around a long

time.

I know, but POTS has been around so long.

That's for stoners and their duels.

Okay, well, you're going to be in a dimension where

mostly everything is made of Kush.

I think I'll be ready for it.

Okay.

Is there a dimension where everything's made of angel dust?

An alternate Earth made of angel dust?

Maybe, maybe.

Maybe.

I haven't been there.

We haven't fully explored Kushtopia, though, at this point.

It could be a technically, there could be a province that would be like Ketamenia or something like that.

But we're not really interested in exploring that.

No, that kind of gets tough, but there is Mesopotamia and Heroinsville.

That is there, according to the pamphlet that's there.

But do you really want to talk about it?

That's not as much.

Probably not.

Burlesque Ives,

what's your most used emoji?

All right, back to the issues of the day.

I only use one emoji.

I experimented with it.

I sign off every text I send with a snowman.

Wonderful, because you you portrayed the singing snowman, or I guess Burrough Lives did, in the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

It's not really a cartoon.

It's a

stop-motion film.

Yes, I suppose that's right.

I bet that is why I do that.

Oh, you've never thought about it before?

I'm not very introspective.

Have you always been fleshed?

Well,

were you at one point a floppy, just a floppy drive?

I am, as far as I am concerned, I am an AI-generated IP

built off of the chassis of an old retired robot dog from the LAPD.

Oh, okay, one of those attackers, one of the ones that rears up on its hind legs.

That's correct.

Okay, so you could attack us at any point.

Of course, as could all of you.

This is true.

I do have guns.

Oh, you do.

Unlike Marty Marler's motorcycle.

Oh, he's always forgetting his motherfucking gun.

That's right.

But now, are you programmed to attack us or other human beings?

Oh, no, I'm programmed to entertain.

Okay.

Well, you have done that today, I have to say.

Well, would you like me to leave?

No, no, I would expect you to continue to entertain us, if that's all right, until the end of the program.

Now, Whiz Bang, what is your most used emoji?

Oh, well,

I didn't think of an answer.

Oh, that's okay.

Just look through your text.

Sure, sure,

let me see.

Let me see.

Last text I sent was to the frizz.

I said, I'm coming by my helicopter.

Wait outside, I'll pick you up.

Oh, no, that iMessage is only one message.

And it was the helicopter emoji used?

Helicopter emoji, heart emoji.

Okay.

Do you talk to anybody outside of the frizz?

Frizz was my only friend.

Only one guy.

Frizz was my only friend.

No funerals for the frizz.

Oh, the mendacity.

So sorry, you've lost your only friend.

Do you have an outlet to get your feelings out?

Are you in therapy?

This show, Scott.

really

what feeling was that anger that's all i got a bunch of it okay oh we got a color on the line

hello sounds hot oh my god what are you guys talking about uh hi ma'am what what is your name ma'am ma'am is your name oh okay i got it in one amazing uh ma'am where's my belt Oh my god, Sir.

Dave, where's my belt?

Sir is home.

I have to go.

There's an issue.

all right we we don't want to cause any trouble at home well sir's looking for his belt and it it's it's wrapped around my head i'm wearing it as a

a necklace and sir's gonna be mad

it's wrapped around your head but you're wearing it as a necklace yeah that's part of my head isn't it your neck oh yeah i guess okay wait look we don't have to get into uh wait is this the pizza parlor who called who is this a prank wait am i on whiz bang in the frizz you are on whiz bang in the frizz you're on whiz bang in the fridge ripe to the frizz of course of course no funeral is accepted.

That's right.

And, sir, sir, did you ever find your belt?

What the fuck, babe?

What the fuck?

Where's my belt?

Sir, you're on the radio right now.

I have to go do a tough mutter.

I need my belt.

Oh, oh, no.

Well, now that we got you guys on the line, what's your favorite Avril Levine song?

Found it, babe.

Thanks.

It's around your head.

I guess technically you're neck.

I haven't heard that one.

But it sounds beautiful.

Coming right up, after the break, we've got Found It, Babe.

It was Around Your Neck by Avril Levine.

Stay tuned on whizbang and the fridge.

Wow.

That was incredible.

That was amazing.

I don't think it necessarily answered my question about your emoji, but I would assume the helicopter one.

Yeah, that's right.

Now, Scott, how come you don't make any sound effects?

Like, ever?

Yeah, like, it just, you know, if you're going to have a radio show, you should kind of have some sort of noise or something.

Okay, so, like, what kind of sound effects are we looking at?

I could do.

What kind of stuff do you like, for example?

Like, what are your hobbies?

Machine guns.

Okay.

Okay.

So, like, I could do, like...

Okay, and then at the end of that, you got to tack on what you want your nickname to be on the radio show.

Okay.

I can't do the Grizz.

That's

the something, one syllable.

Yeah, the Grizz.

How about Hawkeyes?

I can't do it.

Well, Hawkeye's is two syllables.

Dang it.

How about the Jizz?

You keep trying to push me into the Jizz.

I don't know that I want to be the Jizz.

Oh, Oh, all right.

I mean, professionally, around the house, I could be known as the jizz.

Scott, remember your boundaries we talked about earlier.

Okay, yeah, that's right.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Nowadays, it's okay to be called the jizz.

I can't talk about it at the dinner table.

People, I don't know that people are really talking about jizz.

Parents are talking to their children in middle school about their jizz.

I tell you all.

That's the way things are.

Children in middle school have jizz necessarily.

Of course they do.

They play it on the radio.

It's the Star Wars music, isn't it?

Well,

they changed the name of it from jizz to something else.

Jizz to jazz?

From jizz to jazz, the Scott Ackerman thing.

Jazz to jiz to jazz.

Well, guys, this, I mean, we've just, just scratched the surface.

Scott, you were so natural in that position earlier as the co-host.

Thank you so much.

You hopped in there, no problem.

But we have to take a break right now before we get to the rest of the issues of the day.

Is that okay?

Everyone can stick around at the roundtable here.

We're done with emojis.

Why did you have more to say about it?

I just want to make sure it's a good time for for a break.

We're closing the door on emojis.

I think I got my answer.

We have Sunset

and we have Snowman and we have the helicopter.

Sunset, Snowman, and the Helicopter.

This is not bad.

Actually, that's a better station.

You think so?

Yeah.

No, don't change the channel.

Look, we have to take a break.

When we come back, we're going to have more of the CBB roundtable.

We'll be right back after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang Bang, we're back here.

Scott Ackerman here, and I am heading up the CBB roundtable on this very special episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

And our panel is here with me.

Of course, we have Burlesque Ives, the folk singer,

more accurately, a reboot of a dead person.

But with modern sensibilities,

what are your pronouns?

Do you mind me asking?

I'll answer to all of them.

Really, anything anyone wants to call you.

Yes.

That's generous of you.

It's confusing because no matter who's talking about who, I assume they're talking about me.

I could understand that would be confusing to you.

Are you?

I, we, us, them, they, it.

Third person, first person, second person, whatever.

Absolutely.

It doesn't matter to me.

You,

plural?

Well, welcome.

Welcome to the land of the living.

How long have you been with us, by the way?

Let's see.

It's been about six months.

Six months, really.

So what have you...

It takes about a billion gallons of water a day to sustain me.

Wow, okay, that's a lot more than your hat, actually, which is about 8,000 gallons.

Just about.

Where do you fit all that water?

I don't take care of it.

You got a guy?

It just evaporates.

What happens to the water?

The company that owns me takes care of it.

Okay, and it gets poured into the computer?

What happens to the water?

That's right.

They pour it into the computer.

It's an

amphibious computer.

Okay, so it runs on water.

Like the ones that they use in Atlantis.

Oh, wait, is Atlantis real?

It's as real as Lemuria.

Breaking news.

So they pour the computer into the water.

It starts it up, and then you appear.

It starts it up.

Was that your attempt to see the Rolling Stones start me up?

Well, I'm a folk singer, so this was the cover of the Mighty Wind cover of

the song that you were referencing.

Okay, the fan stone.

The Rolling Stones.

Yes.

The Rolling Stones.

Isn't that a group of banditos out of South War?

I know it may seem like it, but no, they're a group of elderly gentlemen who play a type of music called rock and roll.

Oh, okay, rock and roll.

The rolling stones.

Interesting correlation.

That's true.

I can't quite put it together, but there's something there.

Is there not?

They almost call themselves the Rocking Stones.

Oh, you're full of facts, God damn.

Full of something.

Amazing.

They made so much music and put out a magazine.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, I mean, they did it every month.

That's crazy.

crazy, that's very productive work.

Yeah, no,

some great Americans.

And we also have Rusty Hawkeyes Tufferford here.

I'm a cowboy.

That's right.

And we also have Whizbang.

What's up?

Whiz Bang in the Frizz 102.9.

Hello?

You ate a whole wheel of cheese?

I'm not even mad.

I'm impressed.

Incredible stuff.

Guys, we need to get back to the issues of the day.

Are you ready to continue with the CBB roundtable?

I've never been more ready.

Really?

I find that hard to believe.

You've lived such a long life and you've never been more ready for anything.

What about when you robbed all those banks?

Was that like, was that on spur of the moment?

Was that you want to know the secret, Sky?

What's that?

I'm always ready because I'm always in the moment.

You are?

Okay.

See, cowboys, we didn't have phones and TVs and radios and books and stories.

Well, we had those.

Books, yeah, and radios.

Well,

sometimes,

not on the back of a horse, but let's make it common specifics.

But we are always in the moment.

You only had right now.

So no cowboy would ever have any kind of foresight about anything?

Like, oh, in a year I want to do this or in two years I want to do this.

You'd be lucky to be making it to tomorrow and you're out on the wild, wild west.

Here's your snake.

Wild, wild west.

Oh, the snake came out again.

Wild, wild west.

Get that back here.

Come on, little snake.

Sorry about that.

No problem.

No.

Do we ever get to talk to the snake when it escapes?

No comment from the snake.

Okay.

And, of course, whiz-bang.

I've talked to you about you before.

You've talked to me about what before?

You've talked to me about me before?

Did you guys sign a big deal during the break?

Did you cross some T's?

Some D's mind.

Because, you know, your radio show and my radio show are actually neck and neck for number one radio show.

Really?

I mean, this is a podcast, but yeah, but you play it during the daily commute, don't you?

Some people can, if they have the ability to do so, they play it.

You take callers sometimes, don't you?

Not really.

I mean, we have had some callers on the show, but right.

So, so you both save people

in what way?

You save them, you're there for them.

In their loneliest moments, you're a voice that fills the room.

I mean, am I a hero?

Maybe.

Did you ask me that?

No.

But yeah, I mean, I think that we both have.

Let's join forces.

Come on.

Yeah.

I think so.

I mean, combining our shows, you know, you have the callers, you have the drops.

I have, I don't know exactly what I do on this one, but.

The whiz-bang and the, what is it, community bong-bong?

Comedy whiz-bang.

Comedy whiz-bang.

Oh, my God.

I never thought of that.

I think you're on your way to Christopia.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't think think that I can't stick around.

I got to go through a portal.

That award is already spanning.

Yeah, it's already paid for.

I love it.

Comedy whiz-bang in the hawkeyes.

102.9.

Okay, looks like you're back in.

Well, guys, let's get back to the issues of the day.

Everyone's talking about it.

Everyone is out there these days saying, like, oh my God, look at this thing over here.

But then there's almost an equal amount of people over there going, no, no, look at this thing.

And I disagree about the first thing that you said.

And I think this thing is is more important.

And let's fight about it.

Let's just hash it all out right here.

What do you say?

I agree.

All right.

Here's what people want to know.

Who was your childhood actor or actress crush?

I'm going to go, well, I'm going to go to Whizbang first.

Childhood actor crush?

Actor or actress.

God, that's a hard one.

And they don't have to be a child.

I'm not saying that you now as an adult have a crush on a child.

I'm I'm saying when you were a child,

who is your crush?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Probably an adult actor or maybe a similarly aged teen actor.

Of course, easy.

It's the, um, and this is true, the tree with tits in the last unicorn.

What is the last unicorn again?

The last unicorn, incredible animated feature in which

Melvin, I believe his name is, he's a wizard.

He puts some sort of curse on a tree.

The tree comes to life and it has giant tits.

Okay, I'm going to do a Google image search here for this.

Last unicorn tree.

With tits.

I'll do it.

I just put tree.

I didn't put tree with tits.

So I put tree.

You can't leave out the tits.

I absolutely got it.

Yeah.

Show the class.

Okay.

I guess these are tits here.

Yeah, those are the tits.

So the tree kind of pulls magician clothes.

Smothers them in her tits.

Some plompers.

Some big natties.

Look at this.

I love them, natty scott.

You love them, natural?

I'm tired of all this fake shit.

I miss the good old day.

Burlesque, what about you?

What do you?

I'm a boob man myself.

I got a song all about it.

Oh, let's hear it.

I'm a big cocked Randy Mounds man.

Is that just the start of it?

Oh, that's the title of it.

Oh, I want to hear it.

I'll see you.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah, I'd love to hear it.

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

Give it up for the B's.

Celebrate the C's.

Double D's are really something.

Don't care where the lemonade flows or the fudge out goes.

I'm a big cocked Randy Mounds man.

Like that.

That's a fantastic update of a classic.

What were the original lyrics of that?

Oh, ho, ho, ho.

The buzzing of the bees and the cigarette trees, the soda water fountain, or the lemonade springs and the bluebird sings in the big rock candy mountain.

That was what people cared about back in the 50s.

Right, they want to, what are these hobos doing and what are they dreaming about?

Yeah, cigarettes and stuff like that.

Nowadays, it's about being a big cocked what now?

Randy Mounds man.

So, who uh, I guess you've only been around for six months, correct?

Um, but did you have any sort of crush on anyone growing up in the in the previous six months?

Um, in the in the in the previous six months, uh, I, you know, I had a uh crush on uh I saw a movie that had an actress in it

that I when I was first downloading all of the new modern things right so you were downloading all of the information from all all every movie every book every right from from 1995 until today okay just to update yourself right okay so what did you see I saw the I saw weapons Weapon.

Oh, this the Zach Krager movie that came out, right?

That's correct.

Okay.

And that lady, the aunt, Gladys, she'd be my childhood crush.

She did something for you.

Yeah.

Oh, I can see that.

I mean,

you know,

I mean, it's a very distinctive look.

Okay.

I don't go into for conventional beauty.

That's not what today's sexual society is all about.

Sure.

I like that she's striking.

I like that she was in Uncle Buck.

That's pretty cool.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, you mean the actress, not the actual character.

Oh, okay.

I feel foolish.

In Uncle Buck, Buck.

I thought she was posing as Shanice, putting a spell on Uncle Buck.

Does anyone know what we're talking about right now?

I've watched it the movie.

Uncle Buck?

No, the weapons.

Oh, okay.

Rusty, Hawkeye's Tufferford.

Did you have a childhood crush?

Oh, you know, Daddy, I really had a crush on Elizabeth the Grand Canyon, hell with fire.

Who is this now?

I'm afraid that...

People don't really know who that is anymore.

She was a girl whose legs were as wide as the Grand Grand Canyon.

Oh, that's insane!

I love that.

That's wide.

Mouth as wide as the Grand Canyon do.

Oh, she kept her mouth quiet unless you wanted her to speak.

Oh, that's awesome.

That's more about her legs.

And then, of course, there was Tainted Milk Susan.

Oh, what was Tainted Susan?

Oh, the boys loved Tainted Milk Susan.

What were her attributes?

She dipped her taint in the milk.

That'd be so funny.

No, she couldn't stop leaking milk out of her armpits, and it was bad.

Oh, okay, yeah.

That I mean, that sounds like more of a disease, but she was very ill, but she had all the boys running wild, running away from her, so they didn't straight towards her.

Straight towards her, there was something in the milk, I think it was pheromonal.

Wow, did you ever partake?

You know, I drank that stank.

Come on,

hit him,

hit him,

hit me two times!

Okay, hit no three times!

No one's making any sound effects.

Are you out of sound effects, Wizback?

Oh, boom!

Want, want, oh, ooga.

Oh, oh, oh, Merry Christmas!

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.

Is that enough times for you to be hit?

That's what I'm talking about.

All right, fantastic.

Well, I mean, those are very interesting answers.

So I think we...

What's yours, Scott?

Come on, don't be shy.

Step up to the plate.

I guess I would, you know, I mean, growing up, I would see, you know, beautiful women on television a lot.

It was the era of jiggle TV.

So, you know, Nancy Pelosi, probably.

What's Jiggle TV?

Is that like Jigglypuff exclusive?

Charlie's Angels.

It was a sort of a way to describe

what was going on in TV.

The films kept that bounce in them.

Is that true?

They called it Jiggle TV.

They did, yes.

In what?

In the early 2000s?

No, in the late 70s, early 80s.

Well, then why'd you say Charlie's Angels?

Oh, let's see.

We got a different kind of.

Some shows have multiple sh multiple terror lines.

Things get rebooted and reimagined all the time.

Yeah, it's not just you, burlesque.

Yeah.

It happened to Charles's Angels.

Do they have Charlie's Angels in Kushtopia?

Do you know?

Yeah, they do.

It's three nugs

and a man with attitude.

Are TVs made out of Kush?

Huh.

Hmm.

Let me check.

Because they do have TVs.

There's nothing in the brochures.

I would think they would have to be metal and tubes and stuff.

Weird.

And that there would have to be factories.

Oh, here it says that they just do plays.

Oh, okay.

Plays and live music.

Okay, so are the arenas made out of cush?

Yes.

It's called Kush Cree,

where they grind up the Kush and dry it up and mix it with parts of water,

sand, and plaster, making a hard substance.

So there is sand, there's plaster,

and there's water.

Yeah.

I would imagine most of the planet is water.

Well, you know, a ground-up nug can be sand.

Okay.

Sand is just small other things.

But plaster is not nugs.

No, I don't know what plaster is.

So there are factories where they make plaster.

There's quarries where the plaster is mine.

Okay, but then they have to turn it into the plaster.

They have to then, I would imagine, you know, pack it up into containers.

Yeah, you can make a box out of Kush.

Yeah, ship it out to people.

Sure, yeah.

And Charlie's Angels is a play.

It's a play.

No, Charlie's Angels is three nugs and an interesting stern man.

So, hey, you want to get down on a Charlie's Angel tonight?

And you snorkel back three nugs and a vaporizer and talk to an interesting man.

This makes sense.

This makes sense.

Guys, we got to get to our next issue.

All right.

You have to sing karaoke.

What song do you pick?

What up?

This is what people want to know.

I'm a cowboy,

baby.

Rusty, we're going to start with you.

What song do you pick?

I'm a cowboy, baby.

I know that's your catchphrase, but what song is?

What song is that?

I'm a cowboy baby.

I want to talk to the snake next time.

That's the song.

That's the song.

Yeah, I think it's a kid rock song.

Oh, that's right.

Excuse me, snake.

Excuse me, snake.

What's it like being in Duzz Kid?

What's it like being in Dusty's throat?

I gotta run because I'll be missed.

No, I want to talk to you.

Yeah.

You know me, right, Scott, from Comedy Bang Bang?

Yeah.

An Austin Powers Gold member.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sweetie, sweetie, where's my belt?

What?

Where's my belt?

Oh, my God.

There's a second snake in here.

I don't know.

Get back in.

Get back in the body.

I could go.

Okay, where.

But you're still here.

Oops.

I'm still here.

Where'd you come from?

Oh, okay.

Now you have two snakes in there.

Sorry.

It's me with my hair.

Turn down the level on Insidian.

I'll pull the plug out of the wall.

We got to get one of these snakes.

Okay, good.

So you're just a one-snake guy.

I'm a one-snake man, Scott.

All right, fantastic.

Burlesque Gibson, what song do you sing?

Polywally cule, polywally cuel, polywally cule.

Oh, I went down south on my gale, Sal.

We're in a polycule today

with Denise and our boyfriend, Hal.

We're in a polycule today.

Very modern, very modern.

Very modern.

You'll never know if you're in a polycule tomorrow.

That's a good point.

Whiz-bang, what song do you sing at karaoke?

Oh, every song is a karaoke song to me, Scott.

Name anyone.

Any song, happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you.

I mean, that's already true.

Any song is a karaoke song.

It's not,

it's nothing profound.

It's not a brag or anything.

Yes, it is.

I mean, I can sing the karaoke track.

The lyrics perfect to any song.

Okay, the lyrics perfect.

Yeah, lyrics perfect.

One week by Bear Naked Ladies.

One waitress looked at me.

Doctor has in the sad and said, I'm angry.

I'll do this with the living room when you just did this.

What I thought you were gonna do.

Do the chickety china of the Chinese chicken party.

Chickety china, the Chinese chicken.

Have a drumstick, get a red sucks ticket.

Watch the next flash with no lights on.

The doctor doesn't be on.

You forgot how it's already

this one.

We gotta do karaoke together.

Like here's how one McMahon films,

films, but if I did that, I'm a samurai.

I mean, Wiz Bang said it, and he was right.

Any song that was impressive, yeah,

incredible.

Yes, Brown.

Exactly.

Oh, the snake is down again.

Sorry.

No problem.

No problem.

No problem.

All right.

We're getting to our last question here.

Wait, Scott, come on.

Don't hold back on us.

I know you got the voice of an angel.

Singing karaoke.

You're singing it so sweet.

Singing so sweet.

I know you're a musical thing.

No, no, I'm snaking me now.

My snake got a little bit.

That snake almost turned you into Hugh Jackman.

Snake and me now.

And I almost had the body of Hugh Jackman, which is very exciting.

No, didn't even come close.

What?

I was looking.

Fuck you.

All right, let's get to

our next topic that everyone's talking about.

If you had to eat one meal every day for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Pussy.

All right.

I second it.

Really?

Okay.

You, burlesque?

What about you, Rusty?

P-U-S-S-Y-E, baby.

So we all agree pussy would be what we're doing

for the rest of our life.

P-U-S-S-Y?

Because I got a

mask is here.

P-U-S-S-Y.com.com.

My throat's getting loose, I gotta be honest with you.

It's getting out with more and more frequency.

Well, guys, I think we hashed out a lot of stuff.

We really, we really settled some hashtag hash or kush.

That's true.

Is there any hash in Krustopia?

Oh, you know, they got that good, good.

They got concentrate.

They got solventless, rosin, resin, hashish.

They got brick style.

They got hand style.

They got scissor style.

Melty on the spoony.

Oh, you know, you could hot knife it.

You could put it in an e-cigarette.

You could

drink it, sneak it, and freak.

Wow, I mean, Khrustopia sounds interesting.

It sounds awesome.

I don't know necessarily that we would ever do a CBB presents about it.

You got to.

You could do a big CBB live show there.

The arenas are made of metal famously.

I think people are really begging for it.

I don't know that they are.

I mean, if it were to happen, it would probably happen around 4.20, which is so far away from now.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.

But,

I mean, we'll check back in with you.

When are you set to go?

I'm off tonight.

Really?

You're leaving tonight?

The warlock's open and the big portal in the sky, and I'm going to get sucked up and sent down to Laguna Kush Village.

Wow.

Well, thank you for making the time for being here.

Thank you for having me.

This has been the most fun I've ever had besides shooting, stealing, scheming, and hiding out.

Wow.

And we know what goes on in the hideout, so that's high praise.

P-U-S-S-Y is nowhere to be found.

That's right.

All right.

Well, guys.

Get the snake back in there.

Jim Weston.

Desperado.

Hey, that's one word I didn't say.

Desperado.

Desperado.

We are running out of time, guys.

We really only have time for one final feature, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs.

Plus

the part that we've all been waiting

to hear

all this time

and it's finally

here

Very nice.

That was plug away by Timbre Timbre T-I-M-E-B

Guys, what do we plug in here?

Obviously, Whiz-Bang, you are without a partner, but you can be heard every 25 hours or so on KFRT 102.9 here.

That's right on your daily drive.

Tune in tomorrow.

It's going to be a bombing 88 degrees Celsius.

All right.

Anything else to plug?

Oh, yeah.

Check out Twisted Metal on Peacock.

It'll make you feel orgasmic, I guess.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

All right, fantastic.

And

Burlesque Ives, what do you plug in here?

Well, I'm going to...

Oh, nope.

You went out of order.

Forget who you are?

Yeah.

I saw that.

You just went out of order, is all.

I'm not sure what the order is, but all right.

One, two, three.

I was going clockwise.

Sorry.

I'm out of here.

No, stay, stay.

We need to hear your plugs, but not before Burlesque Ives.

My apologies.

I'm going to be performing live in all regal theaters between Thanksgiving Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Every single regal theater.

At the same time, live.

Wow, okay.

That's fantastic.

Yep,

21 years and older.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

It's a kid's show, though.

Okay.

I'm not sure how you square that circle.

Oh, the Mendacity.

Okay, of course, your catchphrase.

And hey, Rusty, Hawkeyes, Tougher Ferd, we finally gotten to you.

What do you got to plug?

It's for sure my turn.

It certainly is.

I'm going to lie about that on the drive to Kashtopia.

I'll tell you what.

Oh, nothing to plug.

Follow a funny comedian named Jake Wasaki and tune into my Rusty's Twitch stream.

I'll be Twitching live every Thursday in Kushtopia.

From Kushtopia?

Yeah, we'll be live from Kushtopia.

Okay.

Tune in.

I'll be trying different strains every Thursday.

Fantastic.

Well, I want to plug, hey, head over to CBBWorld.com.

This is where you can hear the entire archive of this show, Comedy Bang Bang.

All of it ad-free.

Every Every episode we've ever done, all of the new episodes ad-free, plus every live episode we've ever done.

All of that is over there.

Plus, we have other things like Womp It Up.

We have the Neighborhood Listen.

We have College Town.

We have Scott Asn't Seen, where I watch movies with friends along with my friend Sprague the Whisperer that I haven't seen.

And we have Ad-Free Freedom.

So much stuff going on over there.

And CBB Presents with shows like Hey Randy and This Book Changed My Life and Who Me with the Batman.

So much going on over there.

Head over to cbbworld.com.

All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Open up the floor bag,

2025.

I'm talking, open up the plug bag.

And then you are alive.

Open up the plug bag.

2025.

I'm talking.

Open up the plug bag.

When you get

back.

Oh, beautiful.

That was, what was that exactly?

That was Plugberg.

What was that?

By William Gilbert.

Plugburg.

That was fantastic.

If you have a Plug theme, head over to CBBWorld.com and you can

upload it there.

You have all the stems for remixes, everything over there.

And guys, I want to thank you so much.

The CBB roundtable is now closing.

It's becoming square, perhaps rectangular again, but I really appreciate you all coming in here and hashing things out.

Whiz Bang, so wonderful to have you, and I look forward to comedy whiz-bang.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, think about the partnership, brother.

I will think about the partnership.

I would love to do a radio show with you.

Yeah, I would too.

Would you ever do a podcast?

No.

Okay, all right.

We also have Burlesque Eyes.

Thank you so much for being here.

Happy to be here.

Thanks for having me.

Do you have any songs

that you didn't do?

All the songs.

That's all the ones you know.

All the ones I know.

Okay, well, so it's going to be a short show when people see you.

Oh, get all all the regal beards.

You got to head out to a birthday party at Farmer Gray's, right?

There's a birthday party at the house of Farmer Gray's.

Oh, that's right.

Perfect ending to a perfect day.

See, I knew that one.

Yeah, you did know that.

And, of course, Rusty Hawkeye's tougher for.

Thanks for having me.

See you next time.

I don't know that we're going to see you ever again.

You're headed off to Gustopia.

We'll see.

Wink, wink.

Okay.

Come on, baby.

All right.

And now the circle is a rectangle.

We'll see you next week.

Thanks.

Bye.

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