Bonus Bang: 2024 Boston Pt. 2 (Jason Mantzoukas, Eugene Mirman, Paul F. Tompkins, Lisa Gilroy, Carl Tart, Ryan Gaul)

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Hey everyone, Scott Ackerman here and welcome to another bonus bang where we are re-releasing fantastic episodes of Comedy Bang Bang from behind the paywall.

And this week, we are back in our series we are entitling Bravo Italiano.

Of course, featuring our good friend Italiano Jones, played by Carl Tart,

a wonderful character who will fight for you.

And this week's episode is from just last year,

but it's from the tour episodes, the tour that we did last year.

So this has been over exclusively at CBB World.

And so this one is called 2024 Tour Boston Part Part 2.

And it was, what a wonderful title, I know.

Very descriptive.

It was recorded live at the Wilbur Theater in Boston, and it was originally released on June 13, 2024.

It features another appearance, of course, by Italiano Jones.

And also joining us on stage are Jason Manzoukis, comedian Eugene Merman, who happened to be in town and was just going to come to watch the show.

And I said, hey, man, why don't you come up on stage with us?

Great story.

And it led to a lot of hilarity.

We have Paul F.

Tompkins as malt shop owner Bing Lujo and Lisa Gilroy as my grandma, Nana.

Now, if you enjoy this and you want to hear other great episodes of Comedy Bang Bang, become a subscriber at cbbworld.com.

We have all of the past episodes from the CBB archives, all ad-free.

We have every single live show, including the one you're going to hear today.

So, if you like these live shows, we have every single one we've ever done.

We have ad-free new episodes, and we also have original shows like CBB Presents and Scott Hasn't Seen.

And if you're a big Italiano Jones fan, you can order the Italiano Jones action figure at shop.figurecollections.com, as well as other great comedy bang bang action figures like Entre Penur, Carissa, Randy Snuts.

You can even get an action figure of me if you're so inclined.

You can also go to actionfigureseller.com for international purchases.

We're going to be back Monday with a new episode of Comedy Bang Bang, but until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Hello, Bastie.

Hold on, I gotta do this.

We added a second show, so I guess we're the real Boston cell ticks.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Oliver Romendez from Panama.

He did yesterday's, too.

Thank you.

Are you here?

Don't lie to me about being Alvaro Mendez from Panama.

Hello, everyone.

Welcome.

It's such a pleasure to be here at the Wilbur,

a theater

named after some guy, I guess.

Anyone know who he is, Wilbur?

I'm hearing horse.

Beautiful theater.

I've dreamed of playing this my entire life.

How the fuck would I know about this place?

But it is great.

Wonderful people backstage.

Thank you very much to the staff here.

It's been a pleasure to be here for two nights in a row.

This was the show that sold out the day we announced it, and so you guys are amazing.

Appreciate that.

My name is Scott Auckerman.

I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang, and we have a great show.

Coming up a little later, we have oh, entrepreneurs are back.

I believe we have a lawyer,

we have a woman,

and someone who works in finance, apparently.

A wonderful show.

And it's a packed show as well.

I want to make sure you see all these stools up here.

I want to make sure that we get to everybody.

So we're going to move right on into a lot of people's favorite feature on this show, which is, of course, the world-famous balcony report.

Now, if you were not here last night, there's an exciting new addition to the balcony report.

And we all know the balcony report.

It's the most exciting 15 seconds in podcasting.

It's where I count the number of balconies in each venue that we perform in.

Seems simple?

Not on your life.

For me.

Now the new wrinkle is we will be tallying the balconies as we go

and counting up the sum total of all balconies by the end of the tour.

And Boston, you're the first city, so this is going to be anticlimactic.

And we already counted them last night.

But still, hold on to your dicks

because here it comes.

Boston.

Massachusetts.

Did I pronounce that correctly?

It's a tough one at the end for a guy like me.

The Wilbur Theater has two balconies.

Now, please don't be like the person last night who shouted, One's a mezzanine.

Don't be that person.

Now, to date,

on the entire tour,

we have performed to two balconies.

I told you, not good.

It'll get really exciting by the end, though.

Man, I cannot wait.

Well, guys, we have a great show for you.

Why are we even bothering listening to this bullshit?

Does everyone know what's going to happen, by the way?

Has anyone never heard comedy bang bang before?

I feel like you're lying.

So I'm just going to move on.

Everyone knows what it is.

We have a great show.

Let me introduce our co-host for the evening.

He

is a comedian of note,

famous Greek comedian.

He has his own show

right here at the Wilbur on Sunday.

Please welcome Jason Manzoukis.

Yes!

Let's go!

Ha ha!

Here we go, Boston.

Here we go.

What's up, jerks?

That's right.

That's right.

Oh,

hey.

I'm already exhausted.

It's hard.

It gets harder and harder the older we go.

I'm winded.

Yeah.

Wow, wow, wow.

Look at this.

Are you going to have any energy for your own show on Sunday?

Nope.

By the way, how did this get made?

Sunday night.

Bring your father.

It's Father's Day.

There are still seats left now discounted.

Did I do a good job selling the show?

You did a great job.

Will you pledge that all fathers get in free?

Oh, yeah.

All you have to do is say, daddy's here.

At the door, and you're in for free.

God damn it, I know a bunch of people are going to show up Sunday and going, Daddy's here.

A bunch of creeps, a bunch of Boston creeps.

Oh my God, Daddy's here.

Uh-oh, Daddy's here.

Daddy's here.

Daddy's here, knock, knock.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Oh.

This is the show.

This is the show.

We count balconies and say, oh.

Oh, man.

You got two balconies here, right?

It's pretty exciting.

It's fucking huge.

Because last night, there was also two spoilers.

Out of curiosity, how many people came to both shows?

Fucking idiots.

We're doing a recreation of last night's show.

Word for word.

Yeah, last night is the template.

Yeah, and we studied all night.

We're off book.

Yes, we are the show off book.

Yes.

I'm Jess.

You're Zach.

I would rather be off book sometime.

You would?

Yes.

You were backstage being like, why can't we just be off book?

Why are we stuck in some horse theater?

Complaining backstage so much about this horse theater.

I was confused.

I thought you were saying whores theater.

This whores theater?

How dare you?

It's a nice place.

Why would you say that?

This whores theater?

Sorry.

Ah, this whores theater?

Jason, you're from these parts.

A lot of great Bostonians.

You, Casey Affleck.

Yep.

Number one, number two, baby.

He's back.

He just saw him in a trailer.

Really?

He's back, Flex?

He's back, baby.

Okay.

All right.

Yeah, it's me and him.

Me, I'm from Nahant, North Shore.

That's right.

Connected by a long causeway to Lin Lin, the city of sin.

You never come out.

The way you went in.

People from Lin in the house?

go make gloves

oddly specific

but it got a laugh these fucking idiots no

that's where we made gloves this country used to make things like gloves then they burned the factories to the ground

this is a serious question yep why don't shirts and jackets come with gloves already okay now this is

like why did why did we cut it off here?

First of all, I'm going to say shirts and jackets don't come together.

It's an interesting point.

So you're saying independently each of them should have its own gloves?

Well, why?

So a shirt, shirts, gloves, and jackets, gloves?

Yeah.

What kind of marketing genius said

we're not going to include the glove as part of the jacket?

It doesn't make any sense.

Well, it does if you want to increase sales

of gloves?

Yeah.

You attach the gloves, boom, that person's got gloves.

So why isn't everything a la carte on a jacket?

Like elbows down, that's.

What?

You think jackets should come without.

Elbows should be optional?

Sure.

Like, you could get a short-sleeve jacket,

but you could then pay to have it elongated.

Oh, I see.

So everything, I see.

Everything's a la carte, why not just all sleeve, any sleeve length optional?

Because maybe it's a tank jacket.

Yeah.

Maybe it's a vest.

Every jacket starts a vest and then somebody slaps arms on it with elbows.

Yeah.

You could do like an Encino man, you know?

I don't.

Okay.

Explain it, please.

Haven't covered that on your dumb show.

Wow!

How dare you?

Sunday night tickets available.

We're playing two nights at the Wilbur.

You son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

And you're telling me you sold out the food.

What do you think?

You're better than us?

I'll fucking fight you.

Yeah.

What do you think of that Goodwill Hunting guy?

Weird guy, right?

Oh, weird guy?

Will Hunting himself?

Yeah.

What do you think of them, apples?

Yeah.

What a piece of shit.

Strange.

Yeah.

Strange guy, right?

I'll fucking kick that dude's ass.

Yeah.

Will hunting.

Yeah, Will Hunting.

He's all nerdy, like in the brain, but then he takes off his shirt and he's like fucking yoked.

What's his deal?

Jacked with a brain.

Does he like study while he's lifting weights?

Or what's going on with this guy?

I think so.

I think that's exactly it.

I think it's just he's studying while he's just getting jacked.

You ever have the temptation to get as jacked as Will Hunting?

Wow.

This is the show that will go there.

You're the kind of host that's not afraid to ask the hard questions.

I ain't afraid, baby.

You know what?

I would love to get jacked.

As everybody describes it, Will Hunting level jacked.

You know, that's what everybody in Hollywood's doing.

All these Marvel stars, they're just getting Will Hunting level jacked.

Kumal went to Marvel and said, Give me the Will Hunting level level.

I'm Will Hunting.

I'm hunting for a good role, Wink Wink.

You know what I'm saying?

Get me jacked.

I'd love to get jacked off.

I apologize for that.

That's just whores theater.

Feels like it's something out of the 1800s, like, you know, penny dreadful novels or something, jacked off at the horse theater.

Jacked off.

But then, like, it turns out it's jacked off at the horse theater.

Yeah.

And it's, like, a much different book that's probably illegal to even own.

Have you ever touched a

horse's penis?

A whore's horse?

A horse horse's penis.

A horse horse?

A horse, horse's penis?

These are my vocal warm-ups, okay?

I know.

I just heard them backstage.

Have you ever touched a horse

horse's penis?

Have you ever touched a horse, horse's penis?

Absolutely the title of the episode.

Little bug flying around.

What's that?

A little bug flying around.

They can't see it, only we can.

If you comment on it,

now they know there's a bug flying around.

This is a classy fucking horse theater.

You think they would get rid of the bugs.

Place is rancid.

It smells so bad.

All right, Jason.

It's full of rotten meat.

Just having fun.

Yeah.

Except for the mezzanine.

Yeah.

I wouldn't sit in the mezzanine if you fucking paid me.

Oh, oh.

Fuck you.

Get fed.

Get bent.

I'm talking to the balcony.

Now, those are my people.

Just pissing through the seats.

Right onto the mezzanine.

My heavens.

They're licking you.

That's the mezzanine going.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Like when it rains in a movie, when somebody's been like walking through the desert and they're like, I'll take whatever I can get.

That's you, mezzanine.

I honestly think if it ever rains in a movie, they should have one character at least go, hmm, yum, yum, yum.

Even if it's a background, even if it's like a very intense emotional scene,

like someone's crying.

Yeah, you gotta go.

Somebody's like, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Just to make it realistic.

Yeah,

because that's every time it rains.

Everybody's doing that.

Yum, yum, yum.

Everybody's like, free fucking sky water, give it to me.

Yes, when you go out to a side, I guess, after this show, when I go out to a side, nope, that's a wrap.

Thank you.

Black it out.

Show's over.

When you go out to a side, what

you're cooked, pal.

It's over.

R.I.P.

A legend.

The show is mine.

Three of us on this tour,

our hotel room alarms went off at 6 a.m.

The housekeeping did not turn them off.

That's brutal.

And then we all got back to sleep and the fire alarm went off at 10 a.m.

That's unfortunate.

Yes, it is.

Oh, it's not.

It's like those poor souls in The Little Mermaid.

Go on.

I don't know what you mean.

You've never seen The Little Mermaid?

If I did, it was like that back when it came out.

What do you just watch big mermaids?

I would love to.

Share the rest of

Christina Ricci.

She's in mermaids.

One of our best Italians.

One of the, oh, yeah, yeah, one of the best.

Why wasn't she in Mario Brothers?

She should have been.

She could have been Luigi or

I would love it.

Wario, maybe?

Sure.

Yeah.

Anything else, Jason?

Jason?

I feel like the prop.

Here, if this opening segment is

not good, it's because we're too close to each other.

Yeah, let's move it back.

It's too intimate.

Let's move it back.

You're in the wings, okay?

I'm going to be in the wings too.

Much better.

So, Jason.

Jason, what?

What are you doing after the show?

Partying so hard, bro.

We're going to go to the Cheers Bar.

Everybody knows our name.

I hope Carla is there.

She's so sarcastic.

So Italian.

She's one of our great Italians.

How long can we keep this up for?

The entire show?

Let's do it the whole show.

I just hit my teeth with the microphone.

Forget it.

All right.

You ruined it.

Jason Manzoukas, everyone.

Jason Manzoukas.

We have a very special guest.

Terrific.

Beamtown legend.

Hometown hero.

Hometown hero.

He's a stand-up comedian, a wonderful person, and I believe he's on a show called Bob's Burgers.

Please welcome Eugene Merman.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello, Eugene.

Hello.

Hello, Kelly.

Hey.

Good to see you.

We're right here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh.

Well chosen.

Yes.

This feels very normal.

Hi.

Hi, Eugene.

It's a pleasure to have you on the show.

Pleasure to be here.

I've been a big fan of your stand-up.

Wouldn't it be weird if I was a fan of you just as a person and not as a stand-up?

Like, I love you.

Hey, that wouldn't be that weird.

Like, I love you, your comedy.

I love you as a human being.

Yeah, your kindness is boundless.

But I feel like I've been seeing you for,

are you in your third decade performing at this point?

I think I might be.

Wow, wow.

But only because I started at like 18.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, but yes, I'm old.

So is most of the people in this goddamn audience.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Let's be honest.

Most of this audience has a babysitter tonight.

Yeah.

Yes.

Share if you're paying for health care tonight.

Kid care.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

First concert was Duran Duran

at Greatwoods.

What was your first concert?

It was Guns N' Roses opening for Aerosmith.

Wow.

Whoa!

Greatwoods!

Incredible.

We were walking down the street today.

We went out to breakfast, and we were just like, I wonder if Aerosmith has walked these streets as a group.

Together?

They're still there.

Really?

Yeah, they often busk at the common.

Right by the ducklings.

Exactly.

It's the little dream dream on.

People throw $1,000 bills.

It's a wealthy town.

So you count that as.

Who was it opening?

Guns N' Roses.

That's the opening act.

But so you headline Guns N Roses when you tell the story.

Like, I went to see Guns N' Roses.

No, I just, that was the order of the bands opening for Aerosmith.

That's the proper way to tell the story.

Chronologically?

Yeah, people were like, I saw, yeah, you're like,

I wish I could think of a band that was unpopular and then say Elton John.

But yeah, they were at the time they were.

You can't think of anyone less popular than Elton John.

That's the level of musical artist

Roxy Music?

Brian Ferry's Roxy Music?

Opening for Elton John?

I'd love to see that.

It would be great.

That would be a good show.

Yeah,

I don't know how to tell the story.

That's the story.

But yeah, I saw them too.

But Gunz Rose only played for 45 minutes.

And they started, I think, on time because they were opening.

Right.

But they did a great job.

Did you?

They welcomed everyone to a jungle.

They told us we were going to die.

It was very nice.

Did anyone know who they were at that point?

I can't remember.

I think they were.

Yes, they were starting to be big.

Time to switch.

Switch dates.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

By the end of the tour, they were very popular.

But Permanent Vacation was also a popular album at the time.

Who wants?

I love it.

The tedious entertainment news of 1988.

Pretty good.

I like it.

What was your first show?

Oingo Boingo.

Oh, of course it was.

Of course it was.

I'm sure

people were tortured by a playlist prior to the show that featured quite a bit of oingo boingo.

And if I'm not mistaken, probably some crowded house.

Love them both.

Yeah.

Crowded house has a new album out.

Just came out last week.

God bless Tim Finn.

Wonderful album.

Eugene, you're on this show, Bob's Burgers.

Yes.

Where

you play the character, is it Gene?

Yeah, Gene.

Very convenient.

What's going on in that show?

Have they run out of...

Catch us up.

What's going on?

Where are the Belchers at these days?

Have they run out of things for you to do at this point?

No, surprisingly, they haven't.

Yeah, you ever get the script and you're like, I'm doing what?

Gene wouldn't do this.

And then you go, who the fuck cares?

And you just say the stuff.

Gene, what is it?

I argue virtually every line.

The records could be a few hours.

I make them a day.

This isn't Gene.

He wouldn't go, ah!

He'd go, ooh!

So, you ever get, like, friends of yours with kids asking you to, like, call and leave messages for their kids and stuff like that?

Yeah, a little more and strangers, yes.

And then I often do.

Yeah.

Hi, this is Gene.

Happy birthday.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You're going to be a man.

Just like me, a real middle-aged man calling you, a child, leaving you a message.

Call me back.

Here's my number.

Just me, a grown man, leaving a message for a child at the behest of the child's parent.

Just to be clear, none of these children have their own answering service.

It's often recorded by the parents, and at their discretion to give this disgusting message

to their offspring.

Do you ever get requests to say like grown-up adult things in the gene voice?

Okay, this is leading.

This is where you're going.

Like,

how would it sound if you're not going to be able to do this?

Just whatever scripture says.

How would Gene say the word titties?

I don't know, but it might go.

Titties!

Sounds about right.

Love it.

Yeah, yeah.

Love it.

Yeah, or maybe he'd be more startled.

This is just...

Has he canonically seen titties?

No.

He's canonically seen only what someone could see around 8.30 p.m.

on a major network.

Yeah.

So your fanfic is not going to get published.

Yeah.

He's heard about butts.

Seen nothing.

Oh, yeah.

The Belcher household was recently,

Upper Butt was a big part of an episode recently.

Upper Butt for Tina, big, big talk.

Yeah.

I watched the show.

Yeah.

I'm a fan.

In a cool way, not a creepy way.

Yeah.

I just like to see the kids talk about touching butts.

Eugene, have you ever played this horse theater?

Yes.

I noticed some of the staff were like, Eugene, you're back.

It's true.

Yeah, that was nice.

It felt like a warm welcome.

Yeah.

Yes, I've played it.

Often when friends come to town, I do shows with them.

And you graciously offered to do this show with us.

You were just going to come to it, actually.

It's true.

And I bugged you enough, and you said, yeah, okay, I'll come on stage.

It's very nice of you.

I appreciate it.

I am a very kind person.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

And like a very kind person, you walked backstage and said, what's going to happen?

That's a quote.

Well, we're going to find out what happens because we have some very special guests coming out here.

Eugene, are you ready?

We're going to talk to them.

Yeah.

We need your energy the entire show.

I will have this energy.

Yes.

Pretty good.

It's going to be a group of people, I believe four more people coming out.

These are conversations that have never been had before, will never be had ever again.

These are some of the most interesting people in the world.

Sure.

Yeah.

It's not what I would call the show where we talk to interesting people necessarily, but it's more like Humanity in the Animal Kingdoms podcast.

Sure.

But still earthbound.

Earthbound, yes.

We're not in space yet.

Eventually I'd like to float around up there.

Wouldn't you?

How so?

Like when I'm dead?

Sure.

Instead of burying me, just shoot me up in there.

Yeah, if you could blow me out an airlock, I'd love it.

You know, it would be great is if the minute you died, instead of just like lying there as a corpse, like rockets went off to your bougie.

While you're walking around, you just see people booze.

You could be like, oh, that's sad, but look at him go.

Yeah.

Hey, where did Eugene go?

We haven't seen him in a week.

He must have bouged.

Yeah, I'm saving for a space burial.

Really?

Yeah, that's my plan.

I'd love that.

Which part is space?

Which neighborhood?

Hopefully, all of it.

Yeah.

Just strewn body parts everywhere.

No, I think I'd like to be one thing so that I could like hit somebody's

alien spaceship.

Yeah.

Be like, duh.

They're like, oh my God, Gene.

From Bob's Burgers?

Yeah.

The only thing they've received.

All right, Eugene Merman, everyone.

Give him a big round of applause.

Thank him for being here.

Thank you.

Hey, everyone.

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Do you delight in fright?

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All right, our first guest I've not met before.

This is exciting.

That's why I had to glance down at the information I have regarding him.

He is the aforementioned entrepreneur.

He is from Mammoth Valley.

Please welcome Bing Lujo.

Bing Lujo, everyone.

Yeah, switch with me, switch with me.

I'll go down there.

It's incredible when you see what we've practiced so many times working perfectly.

Shall I stay in the same place?

That's your voice, Bing.

Hi.

Hi.

I just nice to meet you.

So nice to meet you, Bing.

Yeah.

My pleasure.

You're an entrepreneur, from what I understand.

I run a malt shop.

You can get maltage, milkshakes, egg creams.

You can get a plain shelter if you want.

These are like very, I mean, I love hearing all these.

This is a very old-fashioned kind of drinks.

I'm a very old person.

Oh, okay.

How old are you, baby?

98 years old.

Oh, 98 years old.

You were born in 1926?

That's right, I think.

Wow.

I remember a lot about it.

Yeah, what was going on in 1926?

Stock market crashed

two years later?

43, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, everybody's walking around in black and white.

Who was president?

Woodrow Wilson.

That's what I was thinking.

He was a black and white, too.

Wilbur Wilson?

Woodrow Wilson.

You couldn't hear any of the movies.

Then they finally found that volume knob and they turned him up.

You go to the movies, like, I can't wait to go to the movies.

Here's a nickel.

And then the movie starts, like, I can't hear anything.

And then some guy starts playing the piano.

Yeah, or an organ sometimes.

Sometimes.

What year did you open the malt shop?

What's the malt shop called?

The malt shop is called Bing Through a Straw.

Bing Through a Straw?

Something you must have said tens of thousands of times in your lifetime, really?

That's how I got my name, Bing.

Because when I opened the shop, it didn't have a name.

And I would say, people would say, Because bosses were new.

Okay.

Yeah.

And they'd say, What do we do with this?

Let's say, you put a straw in, you suck it up, bing through the straw.

So, what was your name prior to that?

Bingle.

Bingle?

Like the tiger?

Close.

Too close.

Oh boy, don't get too close to a tiger.

No, no, no.

That's like one of the movies I saw when I was a little kid.

Someone getting too close, or someone saying, don't get too close?

Well, they got too close, and then a card would come up on the screen that said, don't get too close to a tiger in the fanciest font you've ever seen.

And then the tiger attacked the man, but it was a guy in a suit, you can see.

Huh?

What if I come closer to you?

Let's all get really close.

Tell you what.

You be here.

All right.

Eugene, you be here.

But it's right here.

Jason, I want you to be here.

Jason, I want you over here.

Oh, okay, sorry.

So we're not close now.

Here or here?

What are you?

I thought getting to see your face would make it easier to understand you and I.

Not helping.

It's not bad.

Why didn't I take that lip reading course before I did this show?

If we sat in a circle,

like at a circular table,

like in a circular jerk motion?

Or

you know what?

I'm gonna go sit over here.

Okay, yeah, please.

Bing, it's such a pleasure to meet your

pleasure to meet you, Scott.

You're from Mammoth Falls.

No.

Where are you from?

Mammoth Valley.

Sorry.

That's what a mall shop is.

And have you lived there all of your 98 years?

Is that where you grew up as well?

Nah, I was.

I was a mercenary brat, so we traveled around a lot.

You said mercenary brat?

That's right.

I'd love to dig in on that if you don't mind.

Both of my parents were mercenaries.

Okay, both of your parents?

Brats military.

You're not trying to be military, brat.

Not affiliated with the armed forces in any way.

Private.

Independent contractors.

Okay, wet work and such.

I suppose.

But sometimes they just transport things for you.

What was the last part sometimes they just transport things for you

So we're talking they were I mean I assume mercenaries in in the 20s they were you know during the the World War one when everybody had those funny guns

Guns back then were hilarious so funny.

What are some of the places you travel to?

Let's see all over the continental United States, which at that time I think was only 30 states still.

Did you get to Rhodesia at all?

We have been to Rhodesia.

Sorry, were your parents mercenaries within the United States?

Domestic mercenaries?

They were from America, but they traveled all over the place.

Where did they do the mercenary

primarily?

They did it primarily in the United States because they had a family.

That's so sweet.

Yeah.

So they were like assassinating people within the United States.

They promised themselves they were never going to be more than a day away.

So they weren't necessarily, they weren't necessarily being employed by our government.

They were just to the highest bidder.

Whoever had the money.

Wow.

Did you ever find yourself?

I'm just curious, like

knowing that they were a part of anything that was going on in this country.

Any, I mean, notable

events.

Historical events.

I mean.

I remember them telling a story about some Archduke.

Okay.

Archduke Ferdinand?

Yeah, that's before I was born, though.

Yeah, oh, boy.

Uh-oh.

Some guy named something McKinley.

Somebody Garfield.

Andrew?

These are quite a few notable assassinations.

Really?

Like historically relevant assassinations.

They were good at what they did.

This is what I'm saying.

You are part of history.

Well, because I'm so old.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And your parents.

Because I remember when they had the television for the first time.

Oh, wow.

What was it?

When you watch?

Who did I answer first?

You asked the same question, but in different ways.

What was on it?

What did you watch?

Well, the screen was about the size of a quarter.

And

first you will watch a man come on and say, soon the television will have the news.

He would basically, it was a guy telling you what was going to be on the television eventually.

And we were wrapped.

We couldn't believe it.

And of course, some people thought it was a tiny little man that lived in the box.

Oh, wow.

And it never turned out to be a tiny man that lived in the box, right?

No, and we smashed up some TVs, too.

I remember one time,

me and some of my friends, of course, our pants were very short and we had long socks.

And we saw...

Well, why don't those come together?

Why don't pants go directly directly into something?

All the way down.

That's the question.

That's how you know if you're a boy or a man.

Okay.

When they start separating your pants from your socks.

There's a certain age where it's like, okay, now you can have pants that go all the way down.

Yep, short pants, long socks.

That's when you get into that zone.

Yeah, like the cake song.

How do you know the band Cake?

We have one CD in the shop and it's all we play.

That's all you play at Bings?

Yeah.

Big Dr Straw.

And that was my wife's favorite CD.

It was given to her by her granddaughter.

Oh, really?

So you have children and they have children and etc.

No, she had an adopted granddaughter.

Can you do that?

I thought when you adopted someone.

Can I do that?

It's just after you pass 60, it's automatically a granddaughter instead of a daughter?

Well, yeah, I think it depends on the age difference.

Can you designate what an adoption is?

I'd love to adopt a stepson.

You probably can.

You just got to check a box, right?

Yeah.

People don't look at the whole form.

Though it becomes your son.

He.

Anyway.

It.

You're being awful careful with those pronouns.

Anyway.

Anyway.

Anyway.

I'm sorry.

Bing, is your wife still with us?

No, she died three days ago.

Christ, what are you doing here?

Oh, God.

I mean, you know, when you get to be my age,

people die all the time.

But that's your wife.

How long had you been married?

Oh, 75 years.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

We had a diamond anniversary.

Four days ago.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, that's awful.

Bing.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

We had a lot of time together.

Can I ask how she passed away?

yeah

well you know we went to mass every Sunday

and this one Sunday last week we didn't go and I said let's do mass at home you know catch up before we go the next time

and so I baked up a Eucharist

you bake you baked up a Eucharist yeah it's easy it's unleavened so sure sure that's one step you don't got to worry about yeah why not at the in the comfort of your own home make the body of Christ and instead instead of wine, we use the egg cream.

Which does not have egg.

No, so you can have it, right?

Absolutely.

Thank you for knowing about all of that.

How do you think?

Thank you, Bing.

I have to keep track of people's allergies.

Because I come into the shop, some people say, I'm allergic to shake, but not milk.

I have a shake intolerance.

So I just took three scoops of ice cream in a glass.

And I handed them around.

hand them a wider straw

so that they can bing it through the straw.

Exactly.

Anyway, my wife joked on the host.

Oh no.

Oh,

so she was otherwise actually pretty healthy.

She just finished a fiddle.

She was going to do a 5K.

That's a lot of K's.

Do you feel guilty at all?

I mean,

I did that day, yeah.

I thought about it all day.

Okay, yeah.

I have a question.

Because you didn't go to Mass.

Yes, thank you for right here.

Because you didn't go to regular Mass, do you think she went to heaven or?

No, unfortunately, she, I mean,

it wasn't a consecrated host.

I guess in a way, it was kind of blasphemy, even though we didn't intend it that way.

But rules are rules, so she might not have died in a state of grace because I don't know the last time she went to confession.

So did you watch like mass on TV or did you do it yourself?

We would record, we would go to Mass and then we would record Mass on TV and then we watched it so many times that I could recreate it.

Okay, yeah, go ahead.

Let us proclaim the mystery of faith:

Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again.

Just curious what the homily was.

Oh, a homily, I would get up there and I would say, you know,

things move so fast these days.

Sometimes it's good to slow down, skip church every once in a while, and do it at home.

It was very meta.

It sounds like how Ferris Bueller talks to the fourth wall.

At the end, would you turn to the camera and be like, what are you guys still doing there?

I did look at the camera, yeah.

I couldn't help but notice when you started reciting the prayer, everybody in the mezzanine covered their ears

acted like they were in pain.

Really?

Are they demons?

Probably so.

Piss demons.

Yeah.

That's right.

Yum, yum, yum.

Now I got Scott doing it too.

You piss freaks.

I should have got here earlier.

So I know what everybody's talking about.

Oh, I sure don't.

That's okay.

Well, I'm so sorry about your wife.

It sounds like you're not incredibly sorry.

I'm okay.

You're all right.

Yeah.

There's so many other.

Soon we'll be reunited either in heaven or in hell.

Are you going to try to match it up?

I'm going to try.

I mean, I got a 50-50 shot.

Well, I mean, like at this point, do you feel like you should stop going to church?

Knowing that she probably went to hell, should you start sinning, start going to church right now?

It could be like the purge.

You could just murder.

Should you purge your way into hell?

I mean, you don't have to do much, really, because God is, He gets very angry, so it doesn't take a lot.

Yeah.

This makes me wonder, what year did you open the malt shop?

What's what?

What year did you open the malt shop?

Now you can't understand him?

It's a surprising turn of events.

I think Bing might hear everybody else through his accent.

I understand.

I opened a malt shop in 1946.

I was 20 years old.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

You opened it.

It wasn't, you didn't start working.

It wasn't someone else's that you worked your way up.

You opened it up.

It was a milk crate on a corner.

That's how it started.

And I was making milkshakes, balls, and egg creams right there in the street.

And guys would come off a construction site or they'd come home from the war, shell-shocked.

And I would see that faraway look in their eyes.

And I would say, hey, wouldn't a nice cold milkshake be good right now?

And then they would absolutely reach into their uniform trousers and throw down a nickel.

And I'd give them a ball, so a ball, throw an egg cream arms

and then eventually so many damaged men came home

that I was able to build an actual structure now 20 years old of course I want to do it listen to war lick Hitler and I couldn't do it because I only have a half a lug

One half of one lug?

One half of what?

Oh, that's in total.

That's a quarter of what the rest of us have, right?

Exactly.

Wow.

And so they said, sorry, son, you can't do it.

And I said,

what if I told you I was making that up about the lung?

And they said, we've heard it all.

Oh, so you told them.

They didn't examine you.

You told them.

I filled out the four, but they said, you know, I didn't expect

how many lungs you got.

And you wrote.

You wrote 0.5.

There was one.

There was a box for one, a box for two.

And I had to write it in pencil 0.5.

Yeah.

because I'm honest,

but they wouldn't let me go and listen to the water to my shape,

man.

If you had been there, do you think you would have killed Hitler?

Well, undoubtedly,

you could have, like, and but that's that's what what a failing because they could have used you maybe espionage-wise, like your parents' mercenaries.

They could have gotten you in, maybe you could have given Hitler a poisoned egg cream or something like that.

I know, I'm very quiet because I, my breathing is not loud at all.

Maybe back then,

yeah, now it's a little bit late, but I guess you can say.

I just think maybe it would be hard for you to do a stealth mission.

Because now you think I'm loud.

Yeah, you're pretty loud.

You're a pretty loud guy.

You're a loud, unintelligible guy.

But I'm so.

But I mean, I'm not going to walk around the Eagle Cess going, Hitler, where are you?

Well, I mean, I mean, yeah, I wonder, could you have, like,

you didn't learn German or anything like that?

You didn't.

Nine.

Okay.

That's pretty good.

Mixed messages here.

Do you think that might have worked, though, if anyone had ever done it?

Hitler, where are you?

Oh, right here.

It's worth a shot.

Right?

Yeah.

Anyway, he's dead, so what are we talking about?

We think, definitely.

What?

Who knows?

He could be the next guest.

What?

No.

Hitler's not on the show.

I'll finally get my kids.

God, if you ever see that guy.

Thank God I wear my poison ring everywhere I go.

You weren't wearing that ring when you baked the Eucharist, were you?

Boy.

You know what?

Go to hell.

I mean, I already felt responsible for a death, but now I feel responsible in a different way.

Like a careless kind of responsible.

Yeah.

Instead of incompetent.

So So do you have any plans to date now that you're

on the market?

What do you think?

Are you sliding into anybody's DMs?

A lot of attractive ladies here in Boston.

Maybe not at this show, but

whoa.

Whoa.

It's not an indictment of the quality of the women.

Well, you came backstage earlier when you looked at the crowd and you said, what a bunch of Uggos.

And I said, what are you talking about?

Boston's famous for hunks and honeys.

I'm just saying there are no women.

Oh, okay.

Are you kidding?

A bunch of these dudes dragged their wives here.

These poor women are like, you listen to it on your commute.

I don't even know what it is.

These are inside jokes that even you don't get.

I hate this.

Let's get a divorce.

I don't mean to say that, but we have so many great women fans.

We love them.

No, honestly, it's just kind of in the.

Who will be asking for a divorce tonight?

Sure.

Regardless.

There's just kind of a joke about podcasts in general.

Did you want to have every woman stand up?

Yeah, every.

Where are you going with this?

Stand up and strut on stage for us, just in a line, if you don't mind.

That reminds me of the Steel Pier in Atlantic City.

The ladies.

I got Atlantic City.

Steel Pier, Atlantic City.

The ladies were getting their swimsuits and they'd have a a beauty contest.

Oh,

what contest?

Beauty.

Beauty.

How did you get...

I was unsure if it was...

How did you get contest?

I got contests I got, but it sounded like it was a pootie contest, and I was like, I don't think I know what that is.

But I'm curious.

Classic Atlantic City pootie contest.

There used to be a lady who would ride a horse and a horse would jump into a pool of water.

Probably right here at this horse theater.

That is from before.

So Bing, do you have your eyes on someone?

Was there someone there?

Seen a couple ladies in town that I know have been waiting for my wife to die.

Oh really?

You think there's been a clock on this for a while?

Oh, they tell me.

They say

when Helen dies, look out.

Is that why you had to leave town in the days after her death so you could mourn in quiet?

Exactly.

I want to tear my clothes off.

How old are the women who are after you?

They're also with their diet.

The median age in my neighborhood is probably dying.

Okay.

Yeah.

So there are like 80-year-olds and 100-year-olds?

There's two 80-year-olds.

200-year-olds.

200-year-olds.

And then there's a couple guys who are 125.

Whoa.

There's

65-year-olds.

They're fraternal twins.

Really?

What do they do for a living?

They're funeral directors, and they take turns modeling in the coffin.

Oh, wow.

And they don't tell people.

That sounds so cool.

They don't tell people that they're twins, but they look enough alike so that people will come in and that one guy will say, and this is how I will choose to be going underground.

I genuinely wish they were the next two people coming on stage.

They say, picture me in the coffin, and then the people think that they're picturing it.

They're always they always say oh my god, I can see it have they all have they ever Accidentally buried one of them a few times.

Okay, yeah

But that's why it's called Bell Brothers because they still bury people with the bell attached to the coffin.

Oh smart smart yeah for plague times.

Yeah, because they were like why should that go out of style?

You can get buried by accident anytime.

So it just happened recently.

Someone woke up at a funeral home.

Someone who was in it like was sent to a the body was she was declared I think it was a woman who's declared dead I can't remember where sent to a funeral home and came to in the funeral home this wait where

sounds like Connecticut

Yeah, it was Connecticut fucking Connecticut.

What a piece of shit

Sounds like a real West Hartford

Take your clam pizza and get the fuck out of here.

Do Do people in Boston hate Connecticut?

No.

Nope.

They don't care.

That's what I figured.

Give it to New York.

Get rid of it.

People here hate the Virgin Islands.

Because they're prude.

Yeah.

Not wild.

Like Massachusetts.

Yeah.

So do you have any plans now that your wife is gone?

Anything you're gonna try to do?

Is this a big trip for you?

Is this but your appearance here in Boston?

Yeah, why are you even here?

Yeah.

I came here to scout potential franchise locations.

Oh, wow.

Huge news.

Holy cow.

Stop the presses.

So, oh, wow.

So you're,

so far only one Bings?

A Bing is still in the street?

Just big at the restaurant.

It's only one.

Okay.

And I thought, what if I open another store?

And then I could divide my time between the one or the other?

Sure.

Meaning they would be open on alternating days?

Yes.

I'm going to be honest.

If you do do Boston, that commute is going to be a bear.

Not the bear, that's Chicago.

You know your pop culture.

Yes, Jeff.

So

I would say...

Big It Through a Straw open every other day.

Wow.

If you're here and it's closed, it's not the day.

Yeah.

I mean, I think they would get it if they showed up and it was closed.

It's not the day.

I think you could do real.

This is a city that, I mean, it was 85 degrees here today.

It wouldn't have been, wow, would it have been great to get a milkshake?

I love a milkshake, a maltaro, and cream on a day.

Like today.

Did you bring one?

Do you guys have a saw?

Is there a Bing saw?

Yeah, is there a bang?

Oh, we have a lot of songs.

Is there a jingle rather?

We have a lot of songs and jingles for where people do things

in the ball shop.

If they order a certain thing then everybody sings a certain song you know so like if somebody orders a milkshake and they say extra thick okay so if i'm a

ling hi can i get a uh can i get a milkshake uh extra thick

he did it he did it he ordered a milkshake and he wants it extra thick

Everybody gather round, look at this he man.

He is thick as a brick.

He's gonna dig it through a straw till it goes down his gullet.

Then it's in his toe, and he's gonna get a mullet.

When he goes to the marble shop right next door, he ordered it extra thick.

Wow.

I loved it.

I love that.

I would order it extra thick all the time because I'll be honest, it could have just been two lines.

It was so long.

And you're telling me there's multiple songs that length?

It's wild that the product is being made.

Oh, wow, that's really, actually, I love that.

You know, what a great time to fill that time with songs.

Now, Scott, honey, you acted like you were going to be next to Lina.

Then you ran away.

Yeah, what'd you get scared of?

I got scared of your dancing, pretty much.

Okay.

I thought it was, yeah.

Well, then you don't want to come into Big It Through Astronaut because everybody does it all the time.

May I enter, though?

Please.

Enter freely and of your own will.

It goes the other way.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling.

Welcome to Bing It to Restaurant.

Thank you, sir.

I'm Bing.

What can I do for you?

Hi, Bing.

Nice to meet you.

You seem distracted, son.

Are you okay?

Moving up at the menu.

Has no one ever done that in this store before?

No.

We only serve three things.

You're looking at a picture of a milkshake, a picture of a Baltic, and a picture of an egg cream.

Don't try to tell me about business, son.

I've been in this store for decades.

Ding-a-ling-ling-ling.

Excuse me.

You just hit that kid with your car.

And you're taking time to order a milkshake, malted, or egg cream?

That kid is on phenites, man.

He's fine.

Fine.

Wow.

Okay.

I'll have the number three.

I don't see what you're pointing at.

It's behind the third.

You don't know what your sign looks like?

Wow.

It's three pictures.

There's a baltin and brookshake and an egg cream.

Why can't you say the words?

They all look the same, but they're not numbered You should know what you want

You're making big very angry

I'm about to get this show so hard

I think it's time that I called the dink tink man.

Oh!

The dick tink man?

Who's the dink dink man?

You're about to find out.

Who is the dick tink man?

I knew it's me.

You can hear him when he creeps in, going dink, dink, dink.

Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.

Do you hear?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

You went right through this thing.

Security, security.

You have extra security?

We got a hopper.

We got a hopper.

Where'd that short come from?

Why'd you hit the ding ding?

Man.

You don't want to go to the store, you just got to go.

I mean, I wanted.

I mean, I'm scared, but I'll.

Do you want to be a customer?

Sure.

Yeah.

Don't forget to do the dingy digger ding.

Hold on.

Let me walk through the door backwards.

Oh no, the bell is broken.

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Hello, welcome to Baker to Restore.

How may I help you?

I beg.

It's nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you, too.

Thank you.

Can I offer you a cold, refreshing drink?

You don't have any hot food?

No hot food.

Just milkshakes, balls, and egg creams.

Could I have a chocolate egg cream?

Of course you may.

And would you like to hear a little song about it?

Yes.

Can it be by Lou Reed?

Of course it can.

Of course it can.

Great.

Went to the Apollo man Kineselum go and say, hey, babe, take a walk on the wild side with a chocolate egg cream.

Hey, babe, take a walk on the wild side.

Or a bottle of Roche.

Hey, babe, take a walk on the wild side.

And the chocolate eye cream goes, do, through, do, through, through, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.

Here's your eye cream.

Thank you.

I'll be honest, Bing.

These songs, I mean, I'm certain the malt chop does great.

But these songs, you should sell a CD of these songs.

This is an these are incredible.

I know another guy who's putting out an EP.

Maybe that could be one side, and then your songs could be the other side.

What's a knee pee?

Yeah, wait, did you say me pee?

An EP.

Oh, an EP.

An

EP.

Who's Anne EP?

An EP?

Is there an An EP here tonight?

Ann, where are you?

You have the winning raffle ticket.

No, an extended play.

Ah!

Which is shorter than a normal album.

But why is it extended?

Because it's not a single.

It's not a 45.

It's not an LP.

It's not a long play.

It's a 78.

I used to love it.

It's not a wax cylinder.

It's a 78.

It's so fast.

This is 10-inch 78.

I love the best Chevalier.

You're here.

That is.

I feel like that's the exact kind of music that was playing on this stage some 60 years ago.

By the horses?

Yeah.

I mean, I had a horse in the house.

Just a choir of horses.

Why can't a horse play an instrument?

Yeah.

Why yeah?

Percussion, at least.

Uh-huh.

The Timpany, maybe?

Timpani!

Could you go back and get a horse set up by one of those big drums?

Banging on it with his hooves.

We gotta make it happen.

We gotta get that.

Before you die, we gotta do this.

We gotta put you singing a horse band backing you up.

Can we go to the Boston Pops right now?

Let's take that shit to Tanglewood.

My dream, of course, the Cape Cod Melody Tech.

With our luck, we can just play Canopy Lake Park.

Yeah.

That's right.

Half this crowd fingered for the first time at Canopy Lake Park.

What?

It's an amusement park that we all go to still.

It's where they lost their virginity.

I just said half this crowd got fingered for the first time at Canopy Lake Park.

Congrats!

It's either that or Old Orchard Beach.

The mezzanine knows what I'm talking about.

Just soaked in piss by now.

Yum yum.

Num nom num.

Yum yum.

Well, I wish you luck with your business.

Thank you.

I didn't have such a great time there.

I was whisked away by the dink dick man.

I genuinely hope that the next time we're in Boston here that we are going to a Bing It Through a Straw franchise and we see you again.

At least I hope you guys can see a horse playing the tippity.

Do you have an an idea of the location where you want to put it

yes

Fenway Park smart home plate

no pitcher's mount

so it's right in the middle

so you can make a you can make a pitcher of malted

I hadn't even thought of that

like like a pitcher of margaritas yeah a pitcher of egg cream delicious

Glop, glop, glop, glop, glop.

Travel so good.

Take it home.

Well, good luck to you.

Good luck to you.

Don't need to say that like such an asshole.

I meant it.

You meant it?

Good luck to you.

Yeah.

Your face does not say good luck to you.

My face is creased like a Sharpe.

You have no idea what I'm thinking.

All right, Bing Lujo, everyone.

Bing Lujo.

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In sports, five games were featured in hot reaction this evening.

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Let's all move down.

Why not?

Yeah.

Our next guest is.

I want to try a new strategy.

Everyone in the audience, too, move down one seat.

Oh, boy.

If you're on the end, then you have to go all the way back over here.

Our next guest is a

pretend

we're doing a car scene

in England.

In England.

Oh, wait, no.

We're back at the station.

It's just a very wide car.

Oh, this is probably.

Ding, ding,

next stop, Methuens

next

stop

Service merchandise.

Forever, I will name local O'Caldor

diminishing returns.

Brighams.

And Women Hospital.

All right, our next guest is a

is in the legal profession.

He's an attorney.

Please welcome Nataliano Jones.

I want to get in the car.

I want to get in the car.

You want to get in the car?

How do I get in the car?

I want to get

I want to get in the car.

Shotgun, Nataliano Jones.

Open up the bus door.

Make the noise.

Oh, uh.

Doing!

One, please.

Do you have cash?

I'm sorry.

No problem.

I only have coins.

Oh, good.

Put them in the hole.

All right.

That's what it's called, the bus hole.

Cram those coins in the bus hole.

I'm going to cram my coins in the bus hole.

I'm worried that the driver is secretly an alien.

Oh, so full.

That's the perfect amount of money.

Thank you.

All right.

I'll sit right here by the door.

I'll continue to drive.

Excuse me, sir.

You're blocking my view.

Of what?

Of that hospital.

I don't know any of the references.

I'm from Italy.

So

in Italy we have hospitals too.

We have Sicily International.

Watch out, driver, watch out.

Thank you.

Phew.

Boy, this shit could turn on a dime.

He didn't even touch the brake.

Ooh, look, the Liberty Mutual building.

Liberty Bibity?

Liberty Bibity.

I'm starting to think they're underwriting the tour.

Ooh, look, the Tam.

Ah,

got one.

That's just an actual nun.

What else is outside?

Ooh, look.

Dunkin' donuts.

Woo!

Scott, are you okay?

Get on the bottom.

I came as soon as I could.

I came all the way to Boston for you.

Hi, Italiano.

It's so good to see you.

It's good to see you too, Scott.

Are you okay?

You said you were in dire, dire, desperate need.

I don't remember saying that.

You might have been saying diarrhea.

Scott, you could have let me stay in Italy.

I can't help your diarrhea.

What have you been eating?

I also have it too.

One thing I have learned about Boston is that all they do is drink clam juice all day.

So I have been doing as such.

Clam juice or clam chowder?

Juice.

What is chowder?

That's a good question.

What is a chowder?

What is chowder?

Oh, it's like a thick soup.

It's a hot

house.

A chase thick milk-based soup with clams.

Hot milk soup.

Wait, milk-based soup?

I believe.

Yeah.

Oh, we might have our first hot item.

A bing it through a straw.

You can bing it through a straw.

You can bang it through a straw.

Also called the New England egg cream.

Ooh, creamy eggs.

I like malted milk powder.

Do you?

I'd love it.

Sometimes I just eat the powder.

It's a good idea.

Scott, are you dying?

No, Italiano, I'm.

I just asked if you, you know, we're going to be in any of these cities.

Ooh, look.

Yeah.

Another building.

Wow.

Boston has so many buildings

Should we break out of the bush configuration?

Sure.

It feels like we should all shake it off.

All right.

Taliano Jones, you're a

lawyer.

Yes, Scott.

What is it, Scott?

Tell me what it is, Scott.

Tell me what it is, Scott.

What do you want?

You're a lawyer.

Yes.

Yes, you're a lawyer.

I'm going to sit next to this man.

Sure.

And you're from the town of

Italy.

Right.

I am the tallest.

For those who don't know me, my name is Italiano Jones.

That is a family name.

I

am the tallest man in Italy.

And you're.

Six foot five.

It's not that tall compared to.

Fuck you, Scott.

I'm sorry.

I hate to get off on the wrong foot.

I know what?

I agree with Italiana jokes.

Fuck you, Scott.

Yeah.

There are no taller lawyers in the whole town of Italy

than me.

Have you been injured, Scott?

I noticed that when I was chasing you around, you had a limp.

I recently had foot surgery, yes.

Yes, foot surgery?

I could sue the doctor.

Did he do a good job?

Jury's out.

You were limping around.

We'll see.

I may require your services soon.

We can sue the doctor.

We can take him for everything he has.

Yeah?

Yes.

What would you like?

Seems like he has a house.

What would you like that he has?

A house, a Porsche.

All doctors have Porsches.

Seems like he has a house wherever his office is not, because he's never in the office.

Exactly.

So we will take that house from him and bring him to the office.

He will be forced to sleep in his office because we will take his house.

How many houses do you own?

Me?

Sure.

I own 12 houses.

Wow.

All across the United Nations.

I have a house here in Boston.

Wow, yes, it is.

No wonder you know all the specifics.

Oh, exactly.

It is on Boylston Street.

Okay.

not bad yeah oh by that apple store by that apple store sure

yes i live right there by the apple store i'm constantly buying apple products

right near eataly

what the fuck did you say oh boy oh boy

it sounds like you live near eataly who is this man who is this man have you ever seen bob's burgers Yes.

He's one of the kids on it.

Ah, we have, our version in Italy is Bob Spaghetti.

There's vomit on his sweater already.

Bob Spaghetti.

Italy.

Disrespectful.

And how are you pronouncing that?

That is the wrong way to pronounce my hometown.

And it's pronounced.

Italy.

You have any interesting cases going on these days?

You're sort of a litigious lawyer.

I'm a litigious lawyer of liturgical services.

And

I have...

By the way, litigious and liturgical?

I'm litigious and liturgical.

You must praise the Lord if you come into my office.

You must praise him.

Speaking of our laws and God's laws.

God's laws.

I see people who disobey God's laws.

Speaking of which, though, Bing over here.

Hi, I'm Bing.

Yes.

Bing was the cause of his wife's death not four days ago.

Interesting.

It was a terrible accident.

Thou shalt not kill.

I know.

But it doesn't say anything like

by accident.

No,

thou shalt kill if it's an accident.

You'll be okay.

Yeah.

Well, you should do it if it's an accident.

If it's an accident, you should definitely kill.

But maybe you could help being here to sue

God.

Sue God?

I want to sue God for taking my wife away from me.

Oh, this is the trial of the century right here.

We could probably get you about $10,000 from God.

From God?

Yeah.

Fuck.

I really want to.

Don't say that in the same sentence.

Sorry.

We're talking about church.

Talk about church, you fuck.

I want to really make God feel it.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Yes, it really hit him where it hurts in the pockets.

Well, because they don't have money up there in heaven, so ten thousand dollars would be like they don't have money in heaven, Scott.

They got a hundred thousand dollars up there.

Yeah, the exchange rate of American dollars to heaven dollars is very poor.

I have been, I have had multiple cases.

Name a subject.

I guarantee you, I've had a case in it.

Okay,

what about collectibles?

Sheesh.

Trading cards, you know.

I just sued an antique collectible store because a man shoved a bunch of collectibles up his ass and they didn't come out.

I won.

That's the store's fault.

If they had come out, the store would have been in the clear.

They should have said the collectibles would be too big for his ass.

And they did not tell him.

What were the collectibles?

Just out of curiosity.

Trinkets, gizmos, gadgets, odds and ends.

Even some old string.

I walked right into that courtroom.

Can you show us

what it looked like?

Yes.

Everybody hummed the Perry Mason theme song.

Greetings.

Hello.

My name is Italiano Jones.

That is a family name.

I am the tallest attorney in Italy.

I stand six foot five inches tall.

Don't question it.

Today, on my agenda, I would like to sue these people.

What for, you ask?

I'll allow it.

This is my client.

Stand up, sir.

Yeah.

I put a lot of funkos in my

Rare ones.

And all the magic, the gathering cards.

Yes.

You better be going somewhere with this counselor.

The issue is that this man's store, Scott Ackerman Collectibles,

he did not disclose that those Funkos are all rare ones.

I think I've heard all I need to hear.

I find for you, sir, against Scott Ackerman Collectibles.

$10,000 to be paid by Scott Ackerman.

That's $100,000 in heaven bucks.

You're going to be rich, sir.

I'm going to be rich for $10,000.

I can have a few meals.

Praise God.

Wow.

I could eat for a month.

Wow.

So many scenes tonight.

Yeah.

I love it.

This is what it must have been like to be an ass cat.

Is your food budget really ten thousand a month a hundred and twenty thousand dollars a year for my whole family for lunches sorry ten thousand dollars yeah i don't know i don't know i can't do the math right away that's a whole lot but like if you say a chicken is two hundred dollars right

so if i have a two hundred dollar chicken every afternoon

then it must be somewhere around ten thousand a month this checks out yeah

yeah i love an afternoon chicken Yeah.

Just eat a whole afternoon chicken.

Every afternoon I eat a whole chicken.

Yeah.

Savor it over the course of the afternoon.

Innards, everything.

Just tear at the carcass.

Beak.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

The beak?

The feathers?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Ooh, beak.

Bite it in the neck.

See the blood spurt.

When you do it, the chicken starts alive.

Yeah, we buy whole live chickens in Inman Square.

And then we smoke them starting at 6 a.m.

And then they're ready at 1.

And they are dry.

It's a long time to smoke a chicken.

It's at 80 degrees, so they're also very disease-ridden.

80-degree chicken.

If you never have it, have it at least once.

And then I will help you sue

because you will be sick.

Like Scott.

How many cases have you won, like percentage-wise?

Percentage-wise?

Yeah.

99% of cases are won by me.

Really?

What's the 1%?

What's the one that got away?

Oh, I'll tell you about it.

Home the Perry Mason theme song.

All right.

This court will come to order.

My name is Italiano Chello.

My name is Italiano Jello.

It is a family name.

I am of Italian descent.

Hey, what was that last part?

Italian?

Italian descent.

You want me to read it back up the court report.

Yes, please.

My name is Italiano Jones.

It's a family name.

I am from Indian descent.

I was less clear when you said it.

That's what I said.

Don't wear it out.

I'll allow it.

Please don't wear it out, Judge.

Okay.

I like you.

Judge, I'm here representing my client.

He murdered a busload of elderly adults.

Or did I?

My case closed.

Open and shut.

I fine for the defendants.

No!

And that's the 1%.

Do you think that the case could have got better if you had not started out by saying, my client murdered a bus full of elderly people?

Sir, I am nothing if not honest.

I do wish he had.

I started with some say.

Allegedly.

Allegedly.

Rumor has it

rumor has it.

Sometimes I sing Adele in the courtroom,

but we don't get to see that.

No,

I mean, rule of threes does dictate that we see that.

Okay,

come the very mason theme song:

This court will come to order.

Italiano Jones, you wanted to say something first?

Oh, you know who I am already.

Your reputation precedes you, sir.

The tallest lawyer in Italy.

It's an honor to have you in my court.

I heard that you

settled down, that you

found a girl, and you're married now.

I heard

that your dreams came true.

Guess she gave it in.

Oh, friend, why are you so shy?

Ain't like you to hold back

or hide

the light.

I hate to turn up out of the the blue uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.

I hope you see my face and that you be reminded that for me

it isn't over.

I wish nothing but the best for you.

Don't forget me, help me.

I remember you said

sometimes it lasts in love,

sometimes it hurts instead,

sometimes it hurts instead.

Open this up, Case, Your Honor.

I rule in favor of you, Italiano Jones.

You've done it again.

Italiano Jones, everyone.

Beautiful.

Moving.

Genuinely moving.

That ate up a lot of my time.

I'm sorry I made you do that, but wow, you connected

with this jury so hard.

I know two things.

I know three things about Boston.

I know Boylston Street,

clam juice, and they love Adele.

Yep, she's from here.

Boston's own.

Boston's Adele.

Boston's own.

I saw her open for Aerosmith once.

Yeah.

Who hasn't?

All right, well, we need to get to our next guest.

Should we get on the bus?

Wow.

Yo, wait, we're gonna do the bus again?

Should we let this person get on the bus?

Why don't we just be a long airplane?

We're already a long airplane.

Oh, man.

A very long cockpit.

This is a good one.

Can you please take your seat?

The seatbelt sign is on.

Bing!

Bing!

Are you playing?

I'm being the fighting today.

Yeah.

I'd like to be on.

I've been instructed by the pilot to sit in my jump seat.

I'm the navigator.

An obsolete position in commercial air flight.

I'm the gunner.

What kind of plane is this?

It's a normal passenger plane that is worried.

Who are you, Jason?

I'm the guy that got extra screaming.

That makes sense.

Totally random, but yet somehow very invasive, extra screening.

That name has too many vowels in it.

I could use a good lawyer, actually.

I want to talk to you after.

I will sue TSA.

I wish I could recommend Clear, but it didn't work for me.

Cause I'm a cataract.

You can't get a good scan of your record.

Between Between the time I signed up and the time I used it.

Your eyes got all foggy, couldn't you see?

All right, guys.

Well, we need to get to our next act.

Our next guest, I guess.

Not an act.

It's actually, I mean,

this is kind of personal to me.

This is a relative of mine.

This time it is?

This time it's personal.

This is, you know, when you do a show,

sometimes your relatives want to come, they want to see the show, and sometimes they say, hey, what if I were to get up on stage with you?

And so one of my relatives is here.

Please welcome my grandmother.

This is Nana.

Come on back out, Dana.

Come on back out.

Hello, Scott.

My beloved boy.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late.

Did I miss your piano recital?

No.

This is the show.

We're in the middle of the show.

A show on a long airplane?

What the hell?

I guess I'll be the sexy flight attendant.

Actually, this could be a good connection, Bing and Nana.

This is not.

Bing Crosby is here.

I wish.

But it's me, Bing Ludio.

Malt Shop proprietor.

He runs a malt shop in Mammoth, something.

Valley.

We also sell egg creams and milk cakes.

And so to be a hot chowder.

I can't understand the word you're saying.

Ooh, it's working.

You're nagging her.

Scott, Scott, please, I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, but

I couldn't stay away.

I know, I understand.

I couldn't fight it.

All right, Nana, all right, all right.

And now I missed your song, which is a real shame because I didn't believe these chickeny little wrists could play a damn thing.

But how did the recital go?

Dude, we're doing it, we're in the middle, this is happening.

Where's your piano then, chicken lover?

I.

I stopped.

I stopped.

Have you been practicing?

Have you guys been practicing piano on, like, if not a keyboard, like a big long piece of paper that you just draw the keys on?

I stopped taking lessons when I was six, Nana.

Oof.

I don't do it anymore.

And what year did you open the Moss out?

1946.

That's around the same time.

Come on.

Well, you're probably wondering why I'm late.

We all have our own microphones, Nana.

Why are you late?

I was curious.

You're wondering, huh?

Yes.

I have devastating news, Scott.

Oh, no, Nana, is everyone all right?

No.

22 people and 14 horses have died in the great molasses flood of Boston.

That can't, that certainly can't be the only information you have on this event

Is this new like again

it happened again

How did we not learn after the first one

Simply the tank was engineered with only a third of the amount of steel it was supposed to have

again

And 13,000 metric tons of molasses poured into the strait Scott was it Boylston Street

It was on the north end of Boston and

22 people and 14 horses died.

It's so many more people than horses.

It must have smells so nice though.

What a way to go.

Frozen in molasses.

Some people say you can still smell the molasses in the cobblestone.

It just happened today, you were saying though?

Well, so some people are still able to smell.

It happened in 1919, but it hasn't stopped.

Oh.

Are there people frozen in molasses like Pompeii?

Yeah, remember the mosquito and amber from Jurassic Park?

Do I?

Well, it's they're getting along.

They're flirting.

They're flirting.

They're getting along.

Remember that guy in Pompeii who's like jerking it?

Oh, yes.

Why would you say that to your grandmother?

You don't know my grandma.

Honestly, think about that.

You said that in front of your grandmother to like a thousand and something Bostonians?

You don't know my grandmother.

She's fucked in the head.

Jesus.

And he's fucked in the ass.

What?

You don't know my little Scott.

He's a natural-born pervert, aren't you, boy?

And when he was little, he'd play the piano by doinking out his doinker.

And he'd go, look, look, three hands.

And you'd play Edelweiss, wouldn't you, boy?

My favorite song.

Well, I got swept away by the molasses, and I doinked my head on Fenway Park, and uh, I.

You were in the molasses for?

Oh, yes, I was.

That's how I got here, in the goo.

You surfed the goo?

I served the goo until I slipped down the sewer and I was.

So, this sounds like a teenage mutant ninja turtle situation.

No, you got goo, you got sewers.

No, it's not at all.

I went and went to the water.

Was there pizza?

There was a little pizza.

Was there a talking rat?

No, but there were four tall green men.

Okay.

Martian, maple, syrup turtles.

Funny you should say that because

they cornered me in the sewer and they held a gun to my head.

And they said, you have a choice.

You can either become teenaged or mutant or ninja or turtle.

God, this is like a fuck Mary Kill type of situation.

Which one did you pick?

Turtle.

He sounds like you, my boy.

Fuck Turtle.

Those were your first words, remember?

I was a big entourage fan.

I loved him.

So, what did you pick?

Well, I didn't want to be any of them.

I said, no, leave me be.

I just want to be Scott's grandma.

Oh, Nana.

But they wouldn't let me, so they said, before the clock strikes midnight, I'll be all four.

No!

Wait, tonight, midnight?

Uh-oh.

I feel the first one happening.

Which is really before.

Which one?

Teenage!

Oh my god, Nana!

Teenage!

Whoa!

Nana!

You're so cool!

Don't hurt yourself.

You dabbed!

Oh, yeah!

So many dabs!

Whoa, Nana!

You're a rebel!

What a cool team!

I absolutely ate and left no crumbs.

Why is your voice still so old?

This is what I sounded like when I was a little girl.

Really?

Oh, yes, Scott.

Oh, I feel so teenage tonight.

I have a crust on every boy in the room.

Do you girls want to have a slumber party?

Sorry, do we throw shrimp on the Barbie?

Do you girls want to have a slumber party?

Yes.

Let's play truth or dare.

Okay, you go first.

Truth or dare?

Okay.

I dare you to have sex with your chair.

Uh-oh.

I'm not allowed to do that anymore.

So I choose truth.

Okay, be honest.

Have you ever had sex with a chair?

Two times.

your turn

okay

you

truth or dare uh truth okay here comes I think are you supposed to establish what the dare is first

no did you want to ask him to have sex with his chair yeah is that the only dare we're doing it could be funny

I dare you to make love to a chair.

Oh,

I'll do truth just because I'm not that into this chair.

What's wrong?

You don't like skinny legs?

No, no, I like skinny legs.

I mean, I like the, I don't want to insult the chair, you know.

It's just like I'm not into fucking the chair in front of all these people or making love to it.

I'm sorry.

All right, truth.

Which you like more?

Los Angeles or Boston?

Ooh,

you gotta tell the truth.

Boston, baby.

Yeah.

Bean town for life.

Now, what do you do if you think someone is lying for sure?

I think you make him fuck a chair.

Bwomp, blowp, wow, blomp.

Hey,

hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, wow, womp, wow.

Let's do it.

Jason Manzukis was short stroke in that chair.

Quick pumps, quick pumps.

I gotta get out quick.

Chair's too hot.

Your turn, Jason.

Oh, yes.

Italiano Jones, truth or dare?

Sir, sorry, do you want to fuck your chair?

Or do you want to do it truth?

I'll do both.

This is unprecedented.

Are you really the tallest lawyer in Italy?

Exquise me?

I am six foot five inches tall.

You evaded your question.

I am six foot five inches tall.

I am so tall that we don't use the metric system to describe me.

Even in Europa.

You still haven't answered.

I can't help but notice you haven't answered the question.

Cue up the pony, Got.

Wow!

Bwop, wop, wop,

oh no!

Oh no!

What's happening?

I feel the second part coming off.

Oh no!

Which one is this, Nana?

Must be mutant!

Oh no!

She's mutating!

But still a teenager.

Oh my god.

This is hideous.

Wow.

Gross.

I can't believe what I'm seeing.

The only word to describe what's happening is mutation.

It's mutant.

How could anyone even describe what we see in front of us?

It shifts the future of the human race.

Do it.

Kill it.

Kill it.

Do it.

I'll represent you in court to kill him.

To be clear, this is separate from turtle.

So it's mutant.

The turtle turtle part has not happened yet turtle is here to cut teenage mutant nan

and a turtle sugar water

more

don't kill that bug

and don't kill that cockroach it's my son

wow Now I will represent you for killing Scott, but I cannot represent you in the crime against God that is turning into a mutant.

Well, I think that's over.

Nana,

do you need a quick rest?

Catch your breath.

This is tiring stuff being.

What happened?

I blacked out.

You mutated into this.

Oh, no.

Not the third thing.

Oh, no.

What's the third thing?

Nana?

Ninja.

Oh, ninja.

Uh-oh.

How are you gonna demonstrate this?

Is this ninja?

I'll demonstrate, but

very.

How about, okay.

Okay, ninjas?

Okay.

Swear to God, you guys will do what I say.

Swear to God?

How about this?

Genuinely, okay, it's a competition.

You guys all have to close your eyes and count to 10, and then when you open them, if anyone can find me I'm not a ninja but if you can't find me I am oh okay so you will have stealthily hidden yourself like a ninja yes and see if you can find me okay so everybody I guess for 10 seconds that's all and everyone in the audience everybody no those guys are on my side okay these people I have an update they are not on your side these people are against all of us these are all happening before midnight

no she said it would be before the stroke of midnight.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, the last one will probably hit at midnight.

Okay, so we'll close your eyes.

Okay, close your eyes.

All right, we can count to ten.

The countdown starts right now: ten, nine,

eight,

seven, six,

five,

four,

three,

two,

one.

Happy New Year!

She's gone.

Wow.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Where is she?

She must be a ninja.

I mean,

I'm impressed.

The only explanation is that she's a ninja.

Nana moved quick.

You can't count down from ten without saying six, five.

You've always said it.

Over here, motherfucker.

What?

What?

Nana!

I'm in the crowd and I've borrowed a sweaty man's hat.

Oh, huge, huge mistake, Nana.

Nana?

Can we get more house lights?

No.

I can see you, motherfuckers.

But you can't see me.

I can't find you anywhere.

You're not up in the mezzanine, are you, with all those other

piss freaks?

Yeah.

Are you piss soaked in the mezzanine?

How can I see you if you can't see me, huh?

How many fingers am I holding up?

Four, bitch.

Oh, she's got your number.

That is definitely your grandmother.

This is genuinely baffling.

If you can't find me in five seconds, you've got to pull out your penis, Scott.

You've got to, Nana's rules.

Five seconds.

Pull out that penis and play that song you promised us, boy.

One.

Don't do it this way.

Here I am.

His dick's got a fingernail in it.

Oh,

Nana.

She was hiding under a hat.

She definitely has lice.

Wow.

Oh, what a gentleman.

Congratulations, Nana.

You're truly a ninja.

I truly truly am a ninja, huh?

Well done for loaning the hat.

I mean, this crowd really helped you out.

Well, it's us against the molasses, isn't it?

Yeah.

Congratulations, Nana.

You say the final one, turtle, is not happening for a while?

Might happen at midnight.

Whoa!

No, it's going to happen at midnight.

All right, Nana, everyone.

Nana!

Nana!

All right, we have one final guest here.

He works in the finance industry.

He's a financial advisor.

Please welcome Doug Gropes.

Hello.

Hello, I am Doug Gropes, and I am here to make your day awesome.

Were you holding it at the bottom of the phone the whole time?

Guys, I woke up today.

I swear to God, I woke up today and I thought this is going to be the best day of my life.

And guess what?

It has turned out that it is the best day of my life.

And because it is the best day of my life, it is going to be the best day of your life as well.

Not you specifically, just a little high five, a little high five, and that's it.

Scott, how are you?

Hi, I'm over here.

Yeah, sorry.

You looked at everyone.

So many people.

And God, isn't that what's beautiful about the world?

So many people.

Sometimes it's hard to zero in on who you want to talk to, right?

Sometimes it's hard to do that.

Hi.

I don't want that.

No, and that's, isn't that what's great?

He doesn't want it, and I'm accepting that.

Listen, all right, so what do we all want?

What do we all want in the world?

We want to be successful.

What does that mean?

Does that money?

Hmm.

That wouldn't be bad, yeah.

It wouldn't be bad.

Today, I'm going to very quickly tell you how to turn something into more.

Does that make sense to you?

I mean, anything?

Yeah, anything.

Okay.

Let me just let me start very simply.

Who will sell me something for $5?

Who out here has something?

My grandson goes for that price.

No,

go on, boy.

Go on, boy.

Shut the fuck up.

What will you sell me for $5?

Your glasses.

You're going to sell me this glass.

Oh, you're going to sell me Ray-Bans?

You're an idiot.

Okay.

Okay.

But we'll do it.

Let's go with it because that's what the world's about.

Sometimes you run into people who you don't know how to deal with.

These are real.

These are prescriptions.

Let's go.

Let's start something.

Why don't you just take the case?

As much as a bit I wanted.

Why don't you just take the case?

There's got to be something lower stakes out there.

It's got to be worth less than $5.

Who's going to do it?

What do you got over here?

A JP Licks cow card.

We got a JP Licks Cow card.

Okay.

Sure.

That's a real, and can you, can you confirm that's a real JP Licks cow card?

Yeah, is this a magic trick?

Yeah, I just don't know if it has money on it.

You know what I mean?

It is a real.

Is this going to turn into a magic trick?

Well, you know what the funny thing about life is?

Everything's a little bit magic, right?

Everything's a magic trick.

Go to hell.

Okay, so.

And I hope I do.

Because if I do go to hell, I'm going to make it into a happy place.

Who's going to, who wants to take this JP Licks and trade it for something they have?

We only got, quick, grab something.

And yeah, are you taking, are you fucking taking pictures of me?

I love it.

Somebody over there.

Because that's what life is about, right?

Somebody over there was having something.

Okay,

what do we have over here?

Can you pass the, can you guys trade this back for whatever is coming forward?

And that's the thing, Scott.

Sometimes you don't know what you're going to get.

Right, right.

That's a, this is a napkin.

This is a napkin.

It's a napkin.

Now, a lot of you, I get it.

A lot of you are saying, now a napkin is not worth as much as $5, let alone a JP Licks card, which we did not get a value on.

We did not get a value on that.

You might be fucked because I could sell each of these for...

I could sell each of these.

Okay, so last time, who has something they will trade these for?

What do you got?

You got a it looks like a five stamp herbies double club

what is up with this town and rewards cards

all for play what the fuck

okay and then lastly who has a size 36 to 38 pants that they will trade with me for these

Somebody out there has my pants.

Now, the last time we saw you out on the road, you traded pants with an audience member.

And that is what I want to do right now.

If I can find them, I will trade you these to get.

You want the original pants?

I want my original pants.

This was up in Maine.

This was in Portland, Maine.

No, this was in Rhode Island.

It was in Rhode Island.

Yeah, but it wasn't there.

Raise your hand.

Was it when Comedy Bang Bang was at Club Babyhead?

I don't think it was.

I don't think it was.

Somebody's out there.

Raise your hand or see.

Is he up there?

Up in the balk?

Up in the true balk?

Please bring him down and get his pants off.

And I will.

Come down and take your pants off, sir.

Okay.

I'm lost those pants.

Take off your pants, sir.

Come on down.

I will crazy.

If security can escort this man down here,

we're going to take off his pants.

We're going to swap him.

I'm not giving you my belt.

This is what happened.

Money is circular.

Everything goes full sword.

circle.

Doug, take your pants off before he comes down here.

No.

With all due respect, I'll do whatever the fuck I want.

And I have been, it has been a year, and I have been dying to get these pants on.

It's been two years since you traded pants with this.

These are not the same pants.

I will let you know that.

But I will say,

the pants that I did get from him were Amazon Basics.

Wow, you're putting this guy on blast.

This dude's so broke, he wears Amazon basics.

Where are we?

Where are you, where are we, sir?

Come down here so we can roast you.

You're back here?

Let's get these.

Come on, come on,

come on up.

If you could get those to him back there, right here.

Well,

have him come up on stage.

You want him on stage?

Yeah, we want him on stage.

I really don't think we should let this happen.

This is a huge.

Later,

we'll say that this was the line.

This was when it happened.

This was the tipping point.

This is a true fan.

Honestly, you have to understand this is what

this is.

You can have these.

Do you feel comfortable with this boy?

You don't have to do it if you don't know.

No, you have to do it.

You can go upstage if you want to.

No, no, no.

You can go upstage if you want you don't have to hide behind the long airplane i'll go no and guys this is what it's about this is what money is money goes from uh from a five dollar bill to a card to another card to napkins and then we're back at pants what i'm trying to tell you is don't don't worry so much about money because at the end of the day you're gonna get your your pants back nobody's listening they're just watching your dick jump up and down

are these actual oh these are great these are great and these better be amazon basics i'm gonna check oh they're lee total

by the way an upgrade total freedom relaxed fit wow I mean, to be honest, Doug, this is sort of what you're teaching.

He upgraded from Amazon Basics, used your pants, and now he's wearing Lee.

Now you're tucking into something called total freedom.

Hold on, your panties are hanging out the back.

The pants fit!

The pants fit!

The pants fit!

The pants fit, you must have fit.

The pants fit.

The pants fit.

This is beautiful.

This is beautiful.

This is thank you so much.

What's his name?

What's your name, sir?

Mike.

Mike Hogan, you say?

Mike,

Mike from Rhode Island?

Mike from Rhode Island, yes.

Mike from Rhode Island.

This reminds me of Cinderella.

I think we've all.

The fact that it's boring?

We have all learned a lot tonight.

Oh, boy.

We've all learned a lot.

Are you wrapping yourself up?

And I think what we want to take from this

is that...

No matter what happens,

at some point...

continuing to talk while you struggle to put your shoes on you have to

you got those pants on so quickly and the shoes you gotta be willing you gotta be willing to do that and that's I think was that yours originally okay well it's yours for now it's yours it's for now Sony your panties are hanging out your back pockets

What's that?

Other side.

The back pocket is out like you're a hobo.

Can you help me in?

Can you tuck that in for me?

Now the other one's out.

All right, well,

here's the thing.

Sitting for the first time.

I don't like to sit.

It's bad for you.

It's bad for your heart.

It's bad for your soul.

So I only do it occasionally.

But I will say, this has been such a joy.

You just wanted a pair of pants.

Listen, if you run into an opportunity opportunity to get a pair of Lee relaxed fit.

How relaxed is it?

Is it true freedom?

Yeah, you.

How relaxed is this shit, Doug?

True freedom.

True freedom.

True freedom.

Are you?

Can I ask you guys, are you happy with your financial situation?

Yeah.

You are?

Yeah.

You sure?

I guess I could be happier.

Is that what you?

That's what I'm saying now.

Doug, if you get up right now and you trade pants with me.

With you?

Yeah.

I don't think you'll fit in mine.

Oh, what are you talking about?

These chicken little legs.

These pants would fit anyone.

No, come on.

It does make sense.

I don't want the original pants.

I mean, I'm not saying, but do you guys understand what I'm saying, right?

Money is just a construct, and pants are real.

Pants are real.

You get it.

Mm-hmm.

This, this tempted to trade pants.

Would you trade pants with me?

No, but I am this tempted.

So it's like, it could be this, but it isn't.

It's this.

It's such a great lesson, though.

On what?

How is it a great lesson?

Spell it out.

What's the lesson?

Okay.

All right.

Let's take it down a notch and really talk about the lesson.

Let's take it down a notch.

Okay, let's break down the lesson.

Let's all calm.

I do get that.

I get that a lot.

Let's all get down and take down a notch.

And let's talk about.

Let's huddle up, team.

Huddle up.

Okay.

Doug is going to tell us a lesson.

From an early age, man was taught that money was most important, right?

I have bad knees.

I'm 6'5.

Man was taught that money was the most important, right?

But what does money do?

It buys goods and services.

What's that?

It buys goods and services.

It buys clothes and services.

What are just five services it buys?

It can buy ice cream.

That's one service.

He can buy band-aids.

Two.

you i could name a thousand

can you name three more services yeah gas and band-aids aren't really a service oh have you ever been bleeding

thank you you're right eugene i can't read if you're on my side or not sometimes i don't know

no i think honestly the The thing we have to think about is

in today's world, and it's an election year, and I'm sure,

like me, we're all Trumpers, and we're

true, right?

No, we all know what's gonna help the conversation.

Now I'm starting to understand why you wanted a pair of true freedom pants.

All right, that's our show, everybody.

Oh,

Ryan Gold,

Lisa Elroy,

Paul Tart,

Eugene Merman,

Jason Mantukas,

Mr.

Paul Actomkin,

Thank you, Boston.

We love you so much.

Thank you.

Yum yum.

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co-founder of Angie.

One thing I've learned is that you buy a house, but you make it a home.

And for decades, Angie's helped millions of homeowners hire skilled pros for the projects that matter.

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