Come On Baby, Shoot That Conga (Phoebe Robinson, Vic Michaelis, Dave Theune)

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Speaker 1 You be the nine, I'll be the six. Let naught come between us but our mouths and our dicks.
Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. No.

Speaker 1 Thank you to 2D Butt2D Butt for that catchphrase submission. Wonderful catchphrase submission submitted in January of 2023.
Just getting around to it. But thank you, 2D But2D Butt, for that.

Speaker 1 And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another week. My name is Scott Ackerman.
I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. We have an exceptional show coming up a little later.

Speaker 1 We have a festival organizer that will be interesting to talk to them about the festival that they're organizing. Hmm, probably.
Who knows? Also, we have a music critic.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, that's a good show. But before we get to them, we have

Speaker 1 another exceptional guest. I mean, we are, this is like a grand slam if only three people were involved in a grand slam.
I guess you need four.

Speaker 1 But, oh, I'm the fourth. Wait, this is, no, this is the grand slam of comedy.

Speaker 1 I'm betting cleanup on this.

Speaker 1 If that's a term that baseball people use it, you'll look. We're in the middle of the hunt for the October prize, aren't we? Or I guess it's gone into November.

Speaker 1 She is, she does it all.

Speaker 1 She is a

Speaker 1 actress.

Speaker 1 She is a

Speaker 1 podcaster. She is a author.

Speaker 1 She is a

Speaker 1 friend to people.

Speaker 1 She is a, did I say podcaster? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe that's it then. Stand-up.
I know I'm getting to that. That's why you're here.

Speaker 1 But most importantly, she is a stand-up with a really fantastic new special called I Don't Want to Work. It is out on YouTube right now.
Please welcome back to the show Phoebe Robinson.

Speaker 1 Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe. Thanks for having me.
Phoebe, Phoebe, Phoebe.

Speaker 8 The last time I did this show, we were in a studio, studio, and now we're at

Speaker 1 your office. I know.

Speaker 8 Your office is, guys, it's big.

Speaker 1 It's bigger than the studio.

Speaker 1 It's too big. The ceilings are too high.
No, this is amazing. I'm glad for you.
Yeah, I mean, they're three stories high. It's too much.

Speaker 8 You got a great home.

Speaker 1 Thank you very much.

Speaker 1 But we don't need to give away my assassination

Speaker 1 coordinates. Sorry.

Speaker 1 It's been so long since I've said it, I forgot what they called it.

Speaker 1 But Phoebe, you are, of course, a New York gentlewoman.

Speaker 1 And you're New York-based. Not New York-born and bred, are you?

Speaker 8 No, I'm from Cleveland, but I moved to Brooklyn to go to college. I went to Pratt Institute, and I stayed.

Speaker 1 Pride Institute is that? Pratt. Pratt Institute.
Okay, great. I don't know what that is, but I'm not a person who understands college.

Speaker 1 Anytime in the New York Times crossword where they say, like, this college does this, or the mascot of this college, I'm just like, what? I don't, I didn't go to college. I don't know.

Speaker 1 But you went to Pratt.

Speaker 1 i did and what was your field of study i study writing so it's like creative like non-fiction did a little poetry what's creative about non-fiction i thought it was just the facts as they said we dragnet back in the 50s

Speaker 8 Well, it's just more like, you know, how like that guy, James Frey, like a million little pieces, where he just basically found it.

Speaker 1 Opera had a big problem. Yeah.
That's all I really remember.

Speaker 8 He was like, this really happened.

Speaker 1 So a memoir of stuff that actually happened. And then the more you pull the threads.
Yeah. So that's what you were were taught to do is to do this James Fray? No, no, no.

Speaker 9 No, we're taught to do that.

Speaker 8 You do it in a way where it's clear that you're not saying like this is the truth as it happened. And so everyone should believe that this is, you know.

Speaker 1 And have you written some sort of book like this? I haven't kept up with your authorial works.

Speaker 8 I have three essay collections out.

Speaker 1 What are essays exactly?

Speaker 1 They're like short things where you talk about a topic, right? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 8 So, you know, my first book is You Can't Touch My Hair and Other Things I Have to Explain. Second one is Everything's Trash, but It's Okay.

Speaker 8 And the third one is Please Don't Sit on My Bed in Your Outside Clothes. So I love to have a fun title.

Speaker 1 And then like, I don't think I would sit on your bed in my inside clothes either.

Speaker 1 That's very personal to sit on your bed.

Speaker 8 I know. People are like, just don't, they're too casual about germs.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Well, I guess when you're in New York also, it's a smaller place.

Speaker 1 So many people. I imagine, what do you have? Like a four-bedroom or? I have a three-bedroom.
You have a three-in-one, New York.

Speaker 1 And so, you know, but it's smaller, so I can imagine people wandering in there

Speaker 1 during a party or something. Are you an entertainer? I know you're an entertainer in terms of your career, but are you an entertainer at home?

Speaker 8 I do like to host a Super Bowl party every year. Really?

Speaker 1 Are you a football fan?

Speaker 8 I am a football fan. I mean, when you're from the Midwest.

Speaker 1 Are you a Cleveland? Who is it? The Cleveland Browns. Browns, right? Yes.
Blowns.

Speaker 8 The Blowns. The Cleveland Blowns.
No, the Cleveland Browns. My brother is a a die-hard fan.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 8 I sort of don't have a team, and I kind of just like watch everybody because I think

Speaker 1 so. You migrate from team to team, whichever way the wind is blowing.
Yeah. Who are you into right now?

Speaker 8 I will say I do, because I'm from the Midwest, I do root for like Detroit and those kinds of teams that are also from the Midwest because it's like it's they called it the Motor City once.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 they did. One time, and then it stopped.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 and

Speaker 1 so your Super Bowl parties, do you do do like a theme beyond just football? Like, you know, everyone has to dress up like one of the players, but not on the field at home or anything like that?

Speaker 8 No, I will say, so this year it was in New Orleans. So I did, you know, gumbo.
I didn't do gumbo, but what did I do?

Speaker 1 Okra.

Speaker 1 I have

Speaker 1 fish.

Speaker 8 I can't remember what I did.

Speaker 1 Frito pie.

Speaker 8 I cooked and alfredo pie is so good.

Speaker 8 But yeah, I had like a whole like sort of like southern theme. So that was like really fun.
Oh, red beans and rice. I did all that kind of stuff.

Speaker 8 Yeah, which is really good.

Speaker 8 And then the year when it was Rihanna, I was like, it's just only about Rihanna.

Speaker 1 Everyone, just be cool, like bring some champagne and just so it was, it was a be cool and be classy. We're going to watch Rihanna and not focus so much on football.

Speaker 8 The game was terrible. So it was only about Rihanna.

Speaker 1 Yes. And what do we think about the bad bunny controversy?

Speaker 8 It's great.

Speaker 1 It's great. he's all he's awesome he's one of the biggest stars in the world it's so funny to see people complaining about

Speaker 8 it so wild because i know gloria stefan she did a halftime show and she sang all in english and this was like 91 so i don't know why people are acting like

Speaker 8 it's also like not a big deal if someone doesn't perform in english

Speaker 1 in english but those words to conga are so fast yeah they could be misconstrued for anything Come on, baby. See, baby.
What is the rest of it? Come on, baby. See, baby.
Come on, baby. See my baby.

Speaker 1 Do that, conga. Come on, baby.
Just shoot, shoot my baby. Come on, baby.
Shoot my baby.

Speaker 8 I don't know what you are so close.

Speaker 1 Am I close?

Speaker 1 Well, we'll see who ends up in the big game. Of course, we're not supposed to call it the Super Bowl.
We're supposed to call it the big game because they've trademarked Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 So anytime that you're serious,

Speaker 8 is this a bit?

Speaker 1 It's not a bit. Anytime that you are doing any piece of media about it, like a storyline on a show or anything, everyone goes, Are you coming over for the big game?

Speaker 1 no one can say super bowl because they they own the trademark for it that's trash that's trash it should be like the iphone where they go you know what we own this trademark you know how you can shoot an iphone in any they they said when iphones came out they said you don't need to clear these clearing stuff in in tv and movies is so strange like yeah you have to tape logos off of shoes like people wear shoes yeah what do you what are we worried about you know what i mean but so but then with the iphone they said you know what anyone put an iphone in any of your tv shows and movies we don't care yeah it's free promo yeah Yeah, so why?

Speaker 1 Exactly. That should be what they do for the Super Bowl.

Speaker 8 I know, the big game.

Speaker 1 The big game. We're so, so stupid.
But we'll see what happens with that come February.

Speaker 1 But you know what I want to talk about right now is you have a new stand-up comedy special called I Don't Want to Work.

Speaker 8 Anymore. Anymore.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Did I say the anymore in your introduction? No.

Speaker 1 God damn it.

Speaker 1 You can add it in post. I was just doing anymore.
Can we do? I'm going to do a clean anymore so we can put that. Yeah.
Okay, ready? Anymore.

Speaker 1 Okay, so the editor just cut that out and just put it before so I don't look like a fucking idiot. All right.
I'm so fucking stupid. Why was I doing this off memory? I didn't write it down.

Speaker 1 Normally I have notes and stuff, but I was like, I just watched this thing. I know exactly what it is.
Fuck, I'm so stupid. Anyway, editor,

Speaker 1 make me look smart.

Speaker 8 Don't crash out.

Speaker 1 Don't crash out. Okay, yeah, it's too early in the morning to crash out on this.
But it's a great special. I have watched it.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 And man, I just thought this was... I have to watch a lot of stand-up comedy specials for this show.
And I always say, oh, they're really good. Yeah.
I don't mean it.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they usually fucking suck.

Speaker 1 And I was like, all right, let's fire up the old YouTube and let's watch one of these comedy specials. And I was like, God.
Damn, she is firing on all cylinders for this.

Speaker 1 I thought it was because you never know what to expect with a multi-hyphenate like yourself.

Speaker 1 You can, one can sort of think like, oh, they got this special because of their other work, their acting work, or whatever, and they didn't put a lot of work into it or something.

Speaker 1 But I was like, God damn it, Phoebe is like, you, I mean, this is an exceptional special. You worked super hard on it, I can tell.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and everything was hitting, every single joke was hitting, and it was just like, oh my god, I can't believe, like, I don't know where you found the time.

Speaker 1 Like, I watched it and I was exhausted for you. Like, where, where did she, how often did you, you, you had to be out there working every night to do this? Why, well, why?

Speaker 8 It probably, I know.

Speaker 1 Why do something like this?

Speaker 8 It probably took me like a year and a half to put the hour together.

Speaker 8 Like, I'm not a person who could just like crank out an hour every year because I just think you need to have time to let things sit. But I'm really nerdy when I like think about an hour.

Speaker 8 So like I'll have a Google Doc. I won't have a title yet, but I'll like write a thesis statement of like, this is what I think I want the hour to be.

Speaker 8 And then whatever falls under that umbrella, like has a chance to make it the cut if it's good enough.

Speaker 8 And then when I have my jokes I write them out each sentence gets its own line so I can see if it if it's each sentence that you say in the special gets its own line meaning you're just typing out what you're saying

Speaker 8 yeah but no but it's like it's like if I have like a a bit and there's like five lines in the bit like it's like the first sentence entered next space next line next sentence okay because that way then I can really see

Speaker 8 what's doing the heavy lifting if it's too wordy, if I should move things around.

Speaker 1 It sounds like some Dat fan kind of like, do you know what I'm saying? Remember his research

Speaker 1 paper that he was doing anytime he would do a set.

Speaker 8 But it helps because so many times we overwrite jokes. You know, so then if you have it in a document, you can go, okay.

Speaker 1 I wish that were my problem. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm so under, I don't even write them.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 8 But yeah,

Speaker 1 so you can you can kind of overwrite jokes.

Speaker 1 A lot of that comes out when you just kind of get up and say them and say them in your own words and yes, try to figure out you know how you're communicating to the audience, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, like a lot of it gets stripped away, yeah.

Speaker 8 And then you go back to the documentary, you're like, oh, I could cut all of this that I needed because what I said on stage was like perfect. So then I'll go back and listen to myself.

Speaker 1 I always find that when you forget to say something, and this can be in a stand-up bit or a pitch or anything like that, or a story you're telling, that's usually the part that doesn't even need to be there anyway.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 8 Yeah, I totally agree with that. So yeah, I just

Speaker 8 You know, I love stand-up.

Speaker 8 I started doing stand-up in 2008 and I just really wanted to really sit down and be like, okay, if you really like put your all into doing an hour and like had a theme, like what would it be?

Speaker 8 Because I think before I was just sort of cobbling jokes together. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And it just a lot of specials are like that where it's just like They pretend to have a thesis and they go like, oh yeah, this is my thesis. And then they say it in the first five minutes.

Speaker 1 And then there's a long 50-minute detour of just random jokes. And then they get back to it at the end.
But yours is pretty on topic for

Speaker 1 the majority of it. And it's a great thesis.
Do you want to say exactly what it is?

Speaker 8 Yeah, it's just like, you know, this whole girl boss thing, which I think so many of us fell for in the early aughts, because I was just like, hustling and grinding is what everyone did.

Speaker 8 I don't think it is going to set us free. And sort of like, I just don't want to be on this hamster wheel anymore.
And if I could marry an old rich dude who

Speaker 8 would put me in the family will, I would do it.

Speaker 1 Yes. It's very funny.
I related to it.

Speaker 1 Because you see these people on, like, say, the current season of Love is Blind who are like, you know, I want to have an empire. I want to be a power couple.

Speaker 1 I'm like, you don't know how exhausting that is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then you have, like, I've talked to friends who the whole thing of like, oh, I'm a strong black woman, that is something that they feel the responsibility to have, but then they don't always want to be that all the time, you know.

Speaker 1 It's like, and it's refreshing to see someone who is out there just going, God damn it, I just like, I don't want to have to fucking, you know, because you talk about all of the multi-hyphenate things that you do, yeah, and how just how tiring it is and how great it would be to retire.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't it be good to retire?

Speaker 8 It would be great if I could retire at like 55

Speaker 8 when you're still like kind of young. I know it's like tomorrow.

Speaker 1 I got done for me.

Speaker 8 No, no, no. But like 55 or 60, so I could just like, I feel.

Speaker 1 What would you do if you did retire?

Speaker 8 You know, I've thought about it because I spent so much of my 20s and early 30s so focused on work and stand-up and attaining a level of success

Speaker 1 and status.

Speaker 8 So I like didn't like, you know, live that much life. I didn't like travel that much.
I miss like baby showers and weddings and all those things.

Speaker 1 You can't go back to the babies.

Speaker 1 See whose showers you missed. Give them a present.

Speaker 8 I can, but I think I would just want to spend more time with family and friends, travel,

Speaker 8 enjoy other hobbies. Like one of my big hobbies is I'm a marathoner, so I would love to just

Speaker 8 yeah. I just did Berlin, and then I'm training for Philadelphia, which is it next month.

Speaker 1 Are they different? Like on Philadelphia, do you get to ring the Liberty bell at the end?

Speaker 8 Yes, they let each of the 40,000 people who run get one ring.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But like, how do you train for a different city? Do you, is it a different terrain? Do you, you know what I mean? Like

Speaker 1 in Germany, are you going through any of the terrible places? And you got to shield your eyes?

Speaker 8 No, you're not going through any terrible places, but you do have marathons that are flatter road like Berlin as opposed to New York or Boston, which is hilly.

Speaker 1 Oh, really? Are they? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I've talked about this with the LA marathon. Someday I don't want to train for it.
I just want to walk it. One day.
Do you think I could do it? I mean, it's going to take you a long time.

Speaker 1 It'd take like seven hours, right?

Speaker 1 To walk?

Speaker 1 I think it's gonna take longer than that. I walk like at a four to five mile an hour clip.
Oh, well then yeah, you can bang it out.

Speaker 8 Yeah. You walk so fast.

Speaker 1 Well, I have long legs. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Yeah. I mean that that's faster than some people can run.

Speaker 1 She's stopping doing it with me and I have to wait for her. And she's complaining all the time like stop walking so fast with your long legs.

Speaker 1 Then it's going to be a little longer. So you're a marathoner.
You would do that.

Speaker 1 But then I also feel like, aren't you a workaholic? The, the mere fact that you put this special together and it's so good makes me go like,

Speaker 1 Phoebe just loves working.

Speaker 8 I used to be a workaholic.

Speaker 1 I went to therapy for it

Speaker 8 during COVID because everything was stopping.

Speaker 1 I was like, well, what do I do?

Speaker 9 Yeah, what do I do?

Speaker 8 Who am I? Blah, blah, blah. And I was just sort of like, I can't, that's not good.

Speaker 1 So now you, you, uh, you still seem like one, though, because you, you did this special.

Speaker 1 But you just feel better about it?

Speaker 8 I feel better about it. And I just, you know, build in pockets of rest.
And I just, I think I'm more efficient. You know, once I hit 40, I just learned how to do my work more efficiently.

Speaker 8 So I remember when I wrote my first book, I would be like staying up until like three o'clock in the morning and writing. And now I'm like, bitch, get this shit done by six.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 First draft, best draft. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No edits. Zero.

Speaker 1 We don't do this show with any edits other than that one that you've got to put me saying anymore when I say the title of her show. Please leave it out.
Leave it out. I want it to haunt him.

Speaker 1 I want it to haunt him.

Speaker 1 Now, people can get this and access this special on YouTube. Is this something that you filmed yourself and put on YouTube or is it part of a?

Speaker 8 I had a director, Sharza Devani.

Speaker 1 I guess I don't mean that you literally drank it.

Speaker 8 But she's brilliant. She actually came up with the design for the stage back then.

Speaker 1 Oh, right. I didn't even know.
And it was shot here in Dynasty Type. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The stage where I performed a parody of Eminem's Lose Yourself, all about the show ER. Did you know that when you taped the special?

Speaker 8 You know what? They did mention that

Speaker 8 as a selling point of like why I should shoot.

Speaker 1 Okay, good. That energy was just on that stage.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And but you, you, I guess, paid for it yourself and put it up on YouTube and stuff?

Speaker 8 Yeah, I just was like, I just want to do this. I don't want to be lost in the algorithm because I feel like it's so hard on these platforms sometimes to sort of stand out.

Speaker 8 So I was like, I'm just going to put this out. It's a good calling card so people can see what I can do and what I've been up to.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's great.
And it's fantastic.

Speaker 1 Like I say, I have had to watch a lot of comedy specials and I don't want anyone to be like looking at past episodes over the past year or so and going like, oh, he didn't like any of these ones.

Speaker 1 Like, no, I liked them fine. But this one is great.
This is the best one I've seen.

Speaker 1 It's really, really good and just

Speaker 1 was very relatable, some great topics. The overall thesis is wonderful, but then you get into very specific stuff.
I was watching with Kulop, and she was laughing

Speaker 1 as well. And we were laughing at a probably

Speaker 1 pace of

Speaker 1 once every 20 seconds.

Speaker 1 Is that good when you're watching a special? That seems to make it too much. That's great.
Oh, my God. Three per minute.
Yeah. 60 minutes, 180 laughs.
Yeah. I'll take it.
That's incredible.

Speaker 1 I feel like I owe you laughs now.

Speaker 8 You're great.

Speaker 1 Just

Speaker 1 don't even worry about it.

Speaker 8 Okay. And don't put the Annie Moore back in, Fleet.

Speaker 1 Come on, man.

Speaker 1 Look, I pay your salary, editor.

Speaker 1 Phoebe's, you know, she's a movie star, maybe, but I pay your fucking salary. I'm not a movie star.

Speaker 1 I saw you in Ibiza.

Speaker 8 That's right. Shout out to Ibiza.
That was a fun movie. It's on Netflix.

Speaker 1 Yes. Yeah.
I went to the premiere. Were you there? I can't recall.
Yeah, I was there. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We also went to, of course,

Speaker 1 a little band called U2. We went to a show together at Madison Square Garden and had a good time.

Speaker 8 Did you go to the sphere shows?

Speaker 1 Yes, we went opening night. Okay.

Speaker 1 And that was very fun.

Speaker 1 But you're a person that Bono actually texts and keeps up with, right?

Speaker 8 Well, we don't text. We email from time to time.
And he does send me flowers on my birthday.

Speaker 1 Is it bono at bono.com or bono at me.com?

Speaker 8 Yes, that's that that is. So everyone, go ahead and just fire away an email.

Speaker 1 We never got beyond the barrier of him texting his publicist who texted us and sent us those texts. That's great.
So I mean, that's, I mean, it's one step removed from what you're getting, though.

Speaker 1 You're getting like

Speaker 1 direct contact.

Speaker 8 Yeah, but it's not like we're email buds where we're sending like long paragraphs.

Speaker 1 You don't have like a text chain where you're like taking pictures of whatever you're watching on TV,

Speaker 1 taking video of it, going, Look at the way he pronounces this.

Speaker 8 Have you seen the pit?

Speaker 1 No, I'm not doing that with him. The pit.
Have you seen the pit, by the way?

Speaker 8 So good. I have three episodes left, and I'm sort of just like taking my time with it because I love it so much and it makes me cry.

Speaker 1 You'll enjoy my ER rap then

Speaker 1 when you hear it.

Speaker 1 Well, this special is called I Don't Want to Work Anymore.

Speaker 1 You did it. Thank you, editor.
Thank you for putting that in.

Speaker 1 I don't want to work anymore. It's on YouTube.
And

Speaker 1 is this the last special you're going to do? Are you going to go out at the top of your game?

Speaker 1 Or are you still

Speaker 1 thinking of other stand-up specials to do?

Speaker 1 Once you filmed this, were you still going out to clubs and still doing stand-up?

Speaker 8 So I was like, I'm going to take a

Speaker 1 break.

Speaker 8 And the next night I went up at Largo.

Speaker 8 But I have taken a break. And so now I'm going to get back into it.

Speaker 8 Cause I just was like, I feel like I said everything I had to say. And so now I'm just like, I need to live a little bit more life in order to.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 I felt like that around episode 700 or so. And unfortunately, the release schedule is once a week and it doesn't really afford me the luxury.

Speaker 8 But you have so many fans who tune in every week.

Speaker 1 Sure, sure. And we love them.
We love the fans.

Speaker 1 That's what we have in common, I think, you and I, is we love our fans.

Speaker 8 We respect our fans. We want to have them over.

Speaker 1 At Comedy Bang Bang, by the way, we care. That's our new tagline for this year.

Speaker 1 Comedy Bang Bang, we care.

Speaker 1 I'd like to hear from all of you out there about whatever troubles or travails you're going through because we care.

Speaker 8 Do you do

Speaker 8 voiceover work?

Speaker 1 Occasionally, I may be on the upcoming season of Invincible.

Speaker 1 But other than that,

Speaker 1 look, I'm offer-only, which is a huge problem in the industry I'm finding.

Speaker 1 Don't really have the time or bandwidth for auditions, but you know, if anyone wants to send me anything, do you think I'd be good at it? Or are you trying to say, like, oh, you need to get out?

Speaker 8 You have a great voice. That's why I was asking.

Speaker 1 I was like, you would think this kind of job would lead to other jobs like it, but I'm not fine.

Speaker 1 There's a couple.

Speaker 1 Tendergreen, what is it? Big City Green.

Speaker 1 There's Tender Green. I've seen a couple episodes of that.
And then there's a musical episode of one cartoon that I did years ago that I don't think ever came out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Where I like had to sing a song and all this kind of stuff.

Speaker 1 But I don't think it ever came out or it hasn't come out yet. Or maybe these things take a million.
Do you do

Speaker 1 voiceover work?

Speaker 8 Here and there. I did something on King of the Hill, but I shot it.
I recorded it like last year and it came out this year.

Speaker 1 And it came out? Who'd you play?

Speaker 8 I played, it was this episode, it was like this cooking competition, and I played this sort of like

Speaker 1 douchey

Speaker 8 woman who like, she studied at like culinary school in France and so now she thinks she's a big deal. Um, and it was really fun, and it was that show is getting great reviews.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 8 but I was just saying, like, even like, I could see you doing like a Walgreens commercial.

Speaker 1 I would love to do that, you know what I mean? Like, I can do that. Yes, I love that company.
Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 1 no, I would, yeah, I'll do a Walgreens. Are you talking just voiceover? Or I'm like, Walgreens, like voiceover.
I think Walgreens, we have a lot of stuff here. I mean, I would hire you based off that.

Speaker 1 Submit that.

Speaker 1 Have I ever been inside a Walgreens? Is it like a CVS or is it a

Speaker 1 CVS? Yeah. Or like a

Speaker 1 Dwayne Reed's. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 They're kind of all the same.

Speaker 1 They're all the same thing.

Speaker 1 Shouldn't they all combine and just be one store?

Speaker 8 I mean, but then

Speaker 8 you're not as hungry if there's no competition.

Speaker 1 You know?

Speaker 1 Consolidation and monopolies are bad for competition. Is that what you're trying to say? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But what I'm saying is they all combine into one giant store in the middle of the country

Speaker 1 like that takes up all of Idaho and Wyoming and everything. And then everyone goes to that.
We have to travel to Idaho to get Band-Aids. I don't know if I like this business model.

Speaker 1 I think it's a good business model.

Speaker 1 Well, the special is called I Don't Want to Work Anymore.

Speaker 1 And it is out now on YouTube. It's really exceptional.
I urge everyone to go watch it and laugh their little butts off. We're going to to take a break, if you don't mind.
Can you stick around, Phoebe?

Speaker 1 No, I got to go. Oh, okay.
Understandable. But when we come back, we're going to have a festival organizer.
We also have a music critic. This is a great show.
I'm so glad you're here for it.

Speaker 1 I need you backing me up. I got your back.
Okay,

Speaker 1 you got my six? I did. Okay.
We're going to come right back. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Speaker 1 Comedy bang bang, we're back. Phoebe Robinson is here of I Don't Want to Work Anymore.
It is a stand-up comedy special, which runs approximately 60 minutes. Maybe a little bit shy, 55 or so?

Speaker 8 It's 53. No, sorry, 59.33.

Speaker 1 59.33. What happened to the other 30 seconds?

Speaker 8 I just was like, get this shit out of here.

Speaker 1 It's good. And you know what?

Speaker 1 I was laughing so hard at it that when it was over, I was like, oh, I was surprised because I'm used to like stand-up specials dragging on and on and just going like, come on, man.

Speaker 1 You just got to know when to wrap it up.

Speaker 1 And you wrapped it up expertly. The dismount was incredible.
And it's a great special. We need to get to our next guest.

Speaker 1 They are a festival organizer. Have you been to any festivals, Phoebe? Not in a while.

Speaker 1 And fairs?

Speaker 8 But I did get an invite to the New Yorker Festival, so I'm going to go. I got a plus one.

Speaker 1 As an author, like just to speak or just to hang out? No,

Speaker 8 I'm working on something, but I, yeah, I can't talk about it.

Speaker 1 Are you taking over the New Yorker? I am. Like Barry Weiss took over CBDF.

Speaker 8 That is so bonkers.

Speaker 1 I'm like, okay.

Speaker 1 But this person's a festival organizer. I don't know what type of festival, but let's talk to them.
Please welcome

Speaker 1 Igdoof.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 sorry, how do I pronounce it?

Speaker 9 Egg deof is my name. Eglinton deof.
You can call me Egg. Hi, Scott.
It's so good to see you.

Speaker 1 So wonderful.

Speaker 9 Wow, Phoebe, such a huge fan. I'm actually really glad you're here.
Because I came to talk to you, actually, but Phoebe, I mean, this is.

Speaker 1 You'd rather talk to Phoebe.

Speaker 9 Well, this couldn't have worked out better. I'd like to speak with both of you, if that's okay.

Speaker 1 Do you want to talk to us as a group or do you want to talk about this?

Speaker 9 Are you represented together? Should I go through? I can go through reps. I can talk to you too directly.
You, I knew I could talk to you directly, Phoebe.

Speaker 1 I'm more than happy to go through your reps or maybe. You can talk to me.

Speaker 9 If that's okay, well, fantastic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I don't think we represent each other as a duo act or anything like that.

Speaker 9 No, I didn't think that.

Speaker 1 I know Phoebe definitely is doing a lot of her own stuff. I'm done.
I could work something out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Maybe like a duo act.

Speaker 1 Co-headliners.

Speaker 9 How does that sound?

Speaker 1 I like that. Where, like, I tell one joke, then you tell one joke, and then we just back and forth.
That's cute.

Speaker 8 Oh, I just love that.

Speaker 9 So that sort of segues me perfectly.

Speaker 1 This is a comedy festival.

Speaker 9 This is a comedy festival called off the vine on the yard uh martha's vineyard premiere comedy festival yeah we're just starting

Speaker 9 this year and so scott you know i was really hoping to uh to pitch the festival to you and phoebe you as well uh see if i can get you guys interested uh in coming and performing yeah i mean i i haven't heard any other details but i want to say i'm 100

Speaker 9 yeah this is great fantastic so i'll just go through the contract here with you guys it's really simple really easy uh so one we just sort of have can i e-sign it or do like yeah yeah yeah so you could pull it up on your little laptop there so here's what it is not really a loop and phoebe i got a paper copy for you oh thank you

Speaker 1 pretty big actually the screens your tiny tiny little laptop for your tiny tiny little hands okay are we ready wait a minute is this forced perspective like why do you think my hands are so tiny oh i'm sorry i'm pretty tall

Speaker 1 you're pretty tall and i'm i'm right next to this uh statue life-size statue of king kong that i have yeah in my three-story

Speaker 9 three-story basement studio so if you're driving down the street and you you see a sort of like a turret that goes three stories up from the basement, that's Scott's house.

Speaker 9 Okay, so here's sort of the finer points of the first off. You're going to love it.
It's so fun. We got golf courses.
You can go golfing during the day.

Speaker 1 In Martha's Vineyard? Yep. Wow.
Do you have to like shoot through the vines?

Speaker 1 Okay. You're funny.
Save it for the stage, Scott. I love that.
I am writing this down.

Speaker 9 Yeah. So we sort of have, you know, just like a couple of couple of rules here for Off the Vine on the Yard.
And that's just sort of one, good sportsmanship.

Speaker 9 We just want to make sure we're supporting our other comedians.

Speaker 1 We're sort of being good sportsmanship. So no, like, I guess,

Speaker 1 talking shit about the other comedians while we're up on the show.

Speaker 9 Yeah, you know, I'm sort of, you know, we just sort of want to create a positive atmosphere for the festival.

Speaker 9 I mean, if you gotta, you know, I'm not gonna stop you, but you know, we sort of want to create a positive atmosphere. Number two,

Speaker 9 let's just make sure we're having a good time. Yeah.
So we just sort of want to make sure we're eating well. And if there's anything that the staff can do.

Speaker 1 Wait, so we have to eat well while we're at the festival and have a good time? Whatever that means to you. you.
How are you going to track that?

Speaker 9 Well, we're not. You know, it's just sort of a rules vibe.
So whatever that means to you, you do that. Number three, we do not talk about Chappaquitic, the incident at Chappaquitik.

Speaker 1 You're legally agreeing to co-sign that you will not talk about or discuss the incident. Yeah,

Speaker 1 I never heard of this.

Speaker 8 Can you explain?

Speaker 9 You don't know Chappaquidic? Yeah. Well, that's great.
And we're going to keep that energy up. We're not talking about that

Speaker 9 misty, misty evening.

Speaker 1 It was a misty evening.

Speaker 9 On July 18th, 1969.

Speaker 1 Oh, I don't know. You know, this is before I was born.
I think I was conceived around. No, actually, I think I tracked it back.
I was conceived on 9-11 of 1969. Well, there we go.

Speaker 1 I was conceived in 1969 in a 69. Isn't that crazy? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Isn't that nuts? Your parents told you that? That's what she said. Isn't that nuts? It was crazy.

Speaker 9 Okay, save it for this game, Scott.

Speaker 1 I love that. You guys have this material.
I am writing all of this down.

Speaker 9 Yes, we're not talking about nobody is ever to mention

Speaker 9 Senator Edward Ted Kennedy. He was 37 at the time.
Oh, this. He veered off the road, Mary Joe, trapped in the car.
Okay, so we can't discuss that at all.

Speaker 9 You're sort of co-signing and agreeing that that was an accident.

Speaker 1 I don't think I was even ever

Speaker 1 that aware of the situation. I love that.
Perfect.

Speaker 9 And we're going to keep that energy up. So if anybody asks me, we say, but I don't know.

Speaker 1 It was an accident.

Speaker 8 Could we maybe, you know, because I think Scott and I would like to do a little bit of crowd work.

Speaker 1 Could we talk to the crowd about it?

Speaker 8 No.

Speaker 1 What if anyone in the crowd is like a Kennedy and we go, oh,

Speaker 1 do you have any relatives? And they go, oh, well, my uncle. You say good and you move on.

Speaker 9 And we don't talk about Tylenol. We call it a cetamidophen.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of rules that are coming up. Why aren't we talking about Tylenol? Next rule.

Speaker 9 Enjoy the all-you-can-eat buffet. Oh,

Speaker 9 just really go to town on it.

Speaker 1 Buffet of what?

Speaker 9 Oh, anything you can think, crab. You like crab, Scott?

Speaker 1 It's fine. It's a little too much work,

Speaker 1 especially at a buffet. Hey, you know what?

Speaker 9 We'll have somebody cut it up for you.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 9 We'll have somebody sort of crack open the crab for you because that's what we can sort of do it off the vine.

Speaker 8 So it's eat well.

Speaker 8 Don't talk about chappa put it.

Speaker 1 And enjoy the whole

Speaker 1 tylon all a set of a set of what is it again a set of talk to a kennedy you have to call tylon all acetaminophen oh okay that's a really important but you don't have to unless you're talking if you talk to a kennedy you have to call tylon all a cedar cita medophin thank you number four make friends oh make some friends who make a new welcome

Speaker 1 yeah who what are the do you mean other comedians or

Speaker 9 okay so we got a lot of funny guys at at the festival so far so you two obviously in yeah uh then we have do you know jared from subway uh Yeah.

Speaker 1 His parole officer.

Speaker 8 He's out of jail.

Speaker 9 Well, his parole officer is going to do it.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 9 He's not on parole yet, so his future parole officer, maybe.

Speaker 1 So he's not been assigned to the case yet? Huh?

Speaker 9 The parole officer? No, but he's really vying for it. He's auditioning like crazy.
He's not on.

Speaker 1 Do you have to audition for?

Speaker 1 Yeah, Scott. I guess I was saying, once you are one, you have to audition for a specific prison.
Do you want to be a parole officer? I don't really. I'm you offer only for parole teams.

Speaker 1 I'm offer only for parole officer. That sucks.

Speaker 9 That's tough. That's tough.
We're going to get you one day. I feel good about it.

Speaker 1 All you got to do is offer, and I'll probably take it.

Speaker 9 Do you want to be a parole officer?

Speaker 1 Sure. You have to audition.
I can't do it. Okay, that's tough.

Speaker 9 We'll circle back around. Okay, so you got to make new friends.
So that's who Bill Burr's doing it.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 9 Yeah, he made a whole new thing. Bill Burr was so excited about it.

Speaker 1 We love Bill.

Speaker 1 You leave me out of that, but.

Speaker 9 Bill Burr's doing it. He was so excited.

Speaker 9 He was like, oh, it's kind of like, he sort of was like a little bit questionable about like, oh, then, don't, you know, people were sort of upset about because there's a lot of people that are bad that we don't want people talking about Choppaquittick and sort of co-signing that nothing happened in the Kennedys are awesome people.

Speaker 1 It makes me feel

Speaker 1 this rule makes me feel like you had something to do with whatever happened in Chopaquittick.

Speaker 1 Who was it? Mary was trapped in the car. Mary Joe.
Mary Joe was trapped in a car. You're not allowed to talk about Mary Joe.

Speaker 9 You're not allowed to say the words Mary Joe.

Speaker 1 Did you have something to do with this? Huh?

Speaker 1 You keep saying, huh? Whenever I ask you a question that you don't want to answer.

Speaker 9 Listen, Scott, you are not allowed to talk about the fact that Senator Ted Kennedy, age 37, swam across to Edgertown onto Martha's Vineyard to his hotel, the Sheffertown Inn, okay?

Speaker 9 And then he changed his clothes and he saw an innkeeper whose name was

Speaker 1 Russell Peachy to establish an alibi.

Speaker 9 We are not allowed to discuss any of that, okay?

Speaker 9 He let that woman drown in the car, allegedly. No, she didn't.

Speaker 1 I mean, that's pretty horrifying.

Speaker 9 His name was Peachy. Number seven.
Don't forget your gift bag.

Speaker 8 I want to circle back to what we just heard.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
That feels like

Speaker 1 the egg part of it because your name is Eglinton, you said?

Speaker 9 Oh, yes, this is Edgertown.

Speaker 1 It's very similar.

Speaker 9 It is very similar, and that's because

Speaker 9 my grandfather sort of established the town.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Yeah.
Your grandfather's name was Edgerton?

Speaker 9 Edgerton de Oauf.

Speaker 1 I'm Eglinton De-Of.

Speaker 9 You can call me Egg for short. You could call him Egg for short, too.
I come from a long line of eggs.

Speaker 1 Okay. And Deof means...

Speaker 9 Hard-boiled, scrambled, if you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 I don't, actually. You pointed to your brain brain when you

Speaker 1 said that, by the way, just for the listeners.

Speaker 9 Scrambled, if you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 You're putting your finger to your temple, but scrambled. Uh-huh.
Got it.

Speaker 1 But look, this wasn't top of mind for me. Yeah.
So I'm kind of okay with this. Yeah.

Speaker 8 You know what I mean?

Speaker 8 It's nice to take the trip. Why not?

Speaker 1 Yeah, love that.

Speaker 9 We're paying so much money. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 8 So how much are we going to get paid to perform?

Speaker 1 Scott. Uh-huh.

Speaker 9 $100,000.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 is it worth my money? Plus, all you can eat, new friends, and you are not allowed to talk about anything that happened on Trapa Clinic. I,

Speaker 1 yeah, I guess I

Speaker 1 guess I, yeah, that's a, how much is Phoebe getting for you?

Speaker 9 Phoebe, $1.9 million.

Speaker 1 Well, hold on. Hold on.
Hold on.

Speaker 1 Hold on. Yes.
Hold on. Why the disparity is because Phoebe's a multi-hyphenate and a movie star? Are you a multi-hyphenate Scott? In a Biza? Look, I'm a movie star.
I was in Austin Powers Gold member.

Speaker 1 Were you? Yeah. Who were you? I was a young Michael Cain.
Really? Yeah. Do it.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 I didn't even have to when I shot the movie. They just shot my back.
They did audition for me. I did audition for that.
Did you? I did. Is that Drew? It's a two-step process.

Speaker 1 First, I went into the casting agent and I did my Michael Caine impression. And then I went and I met

Speaker 1 what's his name, Austin Powers, Mike Myers himself and Jay. And I had to go to the studio and do it for them.
And then

Speaker 1 it was.

Speaker 9 Oh, do the lines, Scott, please.

Speaker 1 I ended up not having any lines. Really?

Speaker 1 They cut in old footage of Michael Caine from the 1960s and replaced all of what I was going to do with his footage.

Speaker 9 So you don't appear in the footage.

Speaker 1 My back is in the movie.

Speaker 9 You are a background person in the movie.

Speaker 1 Well, I was paid as a principal.

Speaker 9 You were a literal background person because your back was to the camera.

Speaker 1 I'm a backder. You can call me that, but I'm not a background artist.

Speaker 9 Okay, I love that. Save that for the stage, Scott.

Speaker 1 I am writing this down.

Speaker 9 This is absolutely fantastic. So we just got a couple more rules.

Speaker 1 I want to be paid. I want half of what she's making.
Yeah, it feels fair.

Speaker 9 Half of what Phoebe's making? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And I want her, I want to come out of her.

Speaker 9 Okay, but then we got a couple shit.

Speaker 1 Actually, let's scratch that.

Speaker 9 No, we'll take it from Bill.

Speaker 1 You said it sounded fair, Phoebe.

Speaker 9 We'll take it from Bill.

Speaker 1 So, okay, here's. Okay.

Speaker 9 But if we're going to pay you more, then there's more rules.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 10 What are the rules?

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 9 Number eight. Yeah.

Speaker 9 You'd got to do one Instagram post. Story.

Speaker 1 A story? Maybe as a story. Yeah.
Number nine. Okay.
Here's the thing.

Speaker 9 You have to agree that even though Robert Kennedy denies driving under the influence and having an affair with Mary Jo, because he was married at the time and she was 28 and they were driving alone together.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 By the way, I've done that. I'm married and I've driven alone in a car with a 28-year-old woman before.
And then for

Speaker 1 the tour of her dad? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Turned out everything was okay. Thank God.

Speaker 9 Everything was okay. She got out of the car.

Speaker 1 Well, we weren't in the middle of a lake. This is like just down on Los Felas Boulevard.

Speaker 1 Kind of tied up traffic. There's a lot of traffic coming up.
Yeah, tied up traffic for it. Oh, and this was earlier.
Yes.

Speaker 9 Okay, so you just have to admit that you believe that story and that was completely true.

Speaker 9 And you have to agree that he served, that Ted Kennedy served in Congress from 1962 to his death in 2009, which is true. And that he's the longest U.S.
senator to do that.

Speaker 9 So he sort of had no consequences for what happened. As it should have been.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, I kind of buy it.
Yeah. For what were you, you were getting 1.9?

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 8 you're getting one, basically, one mil?

Speaker 1 Yeah, almost one, yeah. That's good.

Speaker 1 I buy it.

Speaker 9 That's the attitude, Scott. I love it.
You two are going to be fantastic. And then we have to go through your entire act and we sort of have to pepper in how vaccines are bad.

Speaker 1 Oh. Oh.

Speaker 1 I mean, honestly,

Speaker 1 I don't know that they're bad or good. I've taken them all and I haven't gotten sick.

Speaker 9 You don't know if they're bad or good?

Speaker 1 But who knows? Like,

Speaker 1 I would know that they don't work if I got sick after I took one, but unfortunately, I've not gotten sick after I've taken them.

Speaker 9 There's extensive research. That's not how vaccines work at all, but that's not important here because for us,

Speaker 1 we're going to pepper in vaccines are bad. Oh.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Here, I'll go this far. They kind of hurt when they stick the needles.

Speaker 8 Yeah, can we say that needles hurt? Because

Speaker 8 that's the worst part.

Speaker 9 There we go. I love that.
You spend that however you need to spend that. You just say the needles hurt and the diseases sort of cause

Speaker 1 the diseases cause what?

Speaker 9 A lot of other diseases and problems.

Speaker 1 So, diseases cause other diseases? I will say diseases cause diseases and problems.

Speaker 9 There we go. I love that.
You have to have to kiss RFK Jr. on the mouth.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 You're getting 1.9.

Speaker 8 I think I should get paid more for that.

Speaker 9 Yeah, absolutely. How much do you want?

Speaker 1 I think 4.5. Done.

Speaker 9 Scott, we're going to give you $50,000 to play this festival.

Speaker 1 I feel like I was getting almost $1 million just a second ago, and now it's dropped down to $50,000.

Speaker 9 $50K

Speaker 9 cash, small installments.

Speaker 1 How small are these installments?

Speaker 9 $5 bills.

Speaker 1 How often?

Speaker 1 Like every hour?

Speaker 9 Over and over and over again. Every month.

Speaker 1 Rest of your life.

Speaker 1 Every hour of...

Speaker 9 Come on, Scott. $25,000.

Speaker 1 $1 bills.

Speaker 1 I feel like I'm out at this point. I mean, I don't think...

Speaker 8 Scott, we said we're going to do this together.

Speaker 1 I know you're making 4.5 million.

Speaker 9 Scott, this could be great for your career and all the saltwater taffy you can imagine.

Speaker 1 I don't want. Look, I can imagine a lot, by the way.
And you have to be able to do that. I don't want to eat any of what I'm imagining.

Speaker 9 And you have to put that Kennedy grandson that doesn't have the Kennedy last name on your podcast to be your co-host for the rest of eternity. Oh.

Speaker 1 Eternity.

Speaker 1 I don't even want to be doing this for a while. Come on, Scott.

Speaker 1 He's all right. He's all right.
There we go. I saw this little boy in White Lotus.

Speaker 9 Yeah, exactly. So he has to be your co-host for all of eternity.
You have to put put him up in the turret and give him a microphone.

Speaker 1 I don't even want to be doing the show for all of eternity. Yeah.
I'm barely hanging on to the 20-year.

Speaker 9 And you still feel pretty firm about that offer-only thing for the rest of the work that you would be getting outside of this?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Phoebe, what do you think?

Speaker 8 Here's what we should split my rate.

Speaker 1 You're offering to split your raid? Yeah. That's so nice of you.
Yeah, I don't need to be greedy. So I get 2.2.

Speaker 9 Rule number 10, Phoebe can't split any of her raid. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 This is like survivor rules to prevent cheating.

Speaker 9 Rule number 11, double all-you-can-eat buffet, and you have to enjoy it.

Speaker 1 No, but double all you can-eat is still all you can eat.

Speaker 1 Like, double infinity is.

Speaker 9 Who are you talking to?

Speaker 1 Your head is turning left, right, and center. You're flailing.
You're flailing. You're flailing your arms.
Calm down, Scott.

Speaker 1 Look, I'm all for upending the patriarchy, but I just don't think.

Speaker 1 I mean, Phoebe is much more accomplished than I, but I just don't think that the disparity between what Phoebe is being paid and what I'm being paid is really all that fair.

Speaker 9 Rule number 12, you have to ride the minute ferry from Chappaquitic to the vineyard to Edgertown on the vineyard.

Speaker 1 What's the minute ferry?

Speaker 9 The minute ferry is what, um, so RFK was, uh, not RFK, uh, uh, Ted. Ted.
Ted was going to get on the minute ferry in order to go back to the hotel, but he didn't want anybody to see him. Okay.

Speaker 9 Allegedly. So he swam.

Speaker 1 So he swam. Yeah.
How far was he supposed to have swam? It's a minute.

Speaker 9 The ferry is a minute long. It takes you from Chappaquittic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he's not swimming as far as the min

Speaker 1 as fast as the ferry.

Speaker 9 Yes, he is. He's the fastest swimmer on the planet.

Speaker 9 You are here by agreeing that he is the fastest swimmer on the planet by taking the comedy fancy.

Speaker 1 On the planet. I mean, Michael Phelps, he's a stoner, though, now, right? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 9 Does a stoner make you not fast?

Speaker 1 Probably, because like you look at the pool and you go like, I'll do this tomorrow. Whoa.

Speaker 9 Save it for the stage, Scott.

Speaker 1 This is a good chunk, by the way. I think this has bigger legs than just for this one particular festival.

Speaker 9 Can I pitch you something that you were talking about earlier in my professional capacity as a comedy organizer?

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 9 I think you should do an episode of your podcast where you just get all of your auditions for the year out.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. Yeah.
And I just do them here live on the show. I can also do the actual reads for the show on this show.

Speaker 9 I think that would be so fun.

Speaker 1 Instead of having to go into some studio.

Speaker 9 This is what an action movie would be. This is what a comedy would be.
This is my dramatic stuff. This is my voiceover things.
And then you just get it all out.

Speaker 9 And so anytime anybody puts an audition forward, you can get it.

Speaker 1 I just refer them to that particular episode. Yeah.
This is a good idea.

Speaker 9 Okay. So you're agreeing to do the episode as part of your fee for doing the comedy festival.

Speaker 1 I'm agreeing to do this pitch that you just pitched me. Yes, sir.
As part of my fee?

Speaker 1 Look, I egg.

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's getting more and more complicated.
I mean,

Speaker 1 egg.

Speaker 1 I think I said that. What do you think I said? Egg.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, what's the distinction?

Speaker 1 Egg.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm angry. You don't scream at me, Scott.

Speaker 1 That's the way you said it.

Speaker 9 No, I said it beautifully, like the French way.

Speaker 1 Like my grandfather intended I'm sorry, I guess I'm not hearing it, but let me try again. Egg.

Speaker 1 Better.

Speaker 1 I still feel it was semi-contemptuous towards you.

Speaker 9 I don't have a smile in your voice, please.

Speaker 1 Egg. No, I hated that.

Speaker 1 Look, I don't know.

Speaker 1 It sounds like a good opportunity for a little bit of walking around money. I mean,

Speaker 9 definitely a good opportunity for you, Scott.

Speaker 1 It's not like, you know, the money I would get writing The Astonishing Spider-Man necessarily.

Speaker 9 Oh, my gosh, my favorite. I emailed.

Speaker 1 Oh, you emailed? I did. Thanks.

Speaker 9 And the nice part is: oh, well, actually, maybe that's for later.

Speaker 9 When I emailed back, I got a really nice email back. Big fan of the Comedy Festival.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 But I,

Speaker 1 and maybe it's some good promo, you know, maybe my name will be in the news. It'd be excellent.
That'll be good.

Speaker 8 It'll be us, Bill Byrne. That's it.

Speaker 9 Jared from Subways Parole Officer.

Speaker 8 So four people for a festival. Well, there's more.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Who else? Yeah.

Speaker 9 Oh, Danny DeVito's going to be there.

Speaker 1 Not the one you're thinking of. Oh, okay.
The actor. No, that was the one I was thinking of.
Yeah. Oh, okay.
Yeah. I mean, he's a director as well, and also, I guess, a shill for

Speaker 1 Jersey Mike. Jersey Mike's.
Jersey Mike's.

Speaker 9 The Jersey Mics version is coming. Oh, he's just coming.
He's coming in this capacity from Jersey Mike's. All the sandwich and past sandwich shop.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it seems like you will be there. It seems like you're hungry.
Should we have done the show right before lunch?

Speaker 9 I'm starving. But good news, you won't be starving at the Off the Vine on the Yard comedy festival

Speaker 9 premiere and first a comedy festival.

Speaker 1 Is this, by the way, this all you can eat buffet?

Speaker 9 Double all you can eat Scott.

Speaker 8 Is it just the Jersey Mics?

Speaker 9 What else can we eat? It's not just Jersey Mics. It's Jersey Mike's your way.
There's going to be subway sandwiches, maybe, if the parole officer is in.

Speaker 1 I don't need two types of sandwiches at one all-you-can eat bevet.

Speaker 9 Let's all say who the Quiznos

Speaker 9 mascot guy was on three. One, two, three.

Speaker 1 I don't

Speaker 1 remember. I remember a sign up in the Quiznos that had every letter of the word Quiznos

Speaker 1 and what they aimed to do for you as a customer? Like quality.

Speaker 9 Well, huge news.

Speaker 9 That is going to be, you mentioned him earlier, Michael Phelps. He's a stoner, and now he's going to be the Quiznos mascot.
He has also got a tight hour. He's going to be doing at the fest.

Speaker 8 So he's doing an hour.

Speaker 1 How long are we doing this?

Speaker 9 Seven and a half hours.

Speaker 1 Each?

Speaker 9 Well, you said you're going together, right? If you're doing it separately, 14.

Speaker 1 I don't, I mean,

Speaker 1 let's do it together.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure.
For sure. For sure.
We got got you seven hours.

Speaker 1 So it's only three and a half a piece.

Speaker 8 Don't you think the audience is going to get sick of us?

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, they might want to break.

Speaker 9 Have you spent much time on Arthur's Vineyard?

Speaker 1 Never been. Yeah, never been.
Never been

Speaker 9 on the yard? Never been on the yard.

Speaker 1 I don't know. I haven't.
I mean, wow.

Speaker 9 Okay, you're going to love it.

Speaker 1 Golf. Saltwater taffy.
I don't like either of those things.

Speaker 9 Double all-you-can-eat buffets for everyone.

Speaker 1 This is what I want to ask about the all-you-can-eat buffet. Sure.
Is this just for the performers or is everyone everyone coming to the festival also partaking of the buffet?

Speaker 9 Everyone had to sign the contract to come to the festival, to be a part of the festival. We're paying everybody.

Speaker 1 Okay, I don't mind that. I just don't want a lot of the riffraff like eating the same food that I'm eating.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 This is like, remember Perry Farrell, when he started Lollapalooza, he wanted a community burrito for everyone to eat.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 9 he sort of did this already?

Speaker 1 It's one of his pitches. This is in the Lollapalooza world history that I just read.

Speaker 1 It was one of his pitches.

Speaker 9 This is on the podcast or in an actual book.

Speaker 1 This is an actual book, but he want a communal burrito? For all of the performers crazy to practice.

Speaker 9 Everyone gets their own sandwich and crab legs. We're cutting yours up previous to you arriving on set.
And I'll make sure that happens.

Speaker 1 How previous? Because I want it fresh as well.

Speaker 8 So we're just going to have sandwiches. Are there sides?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 9 Okay. Smaller sandwiches.

Speaker 1 Like a honey mustard potato salad, maybe?

Speaker 9 And you want that? It's there.

Speaker 8 Or just like roughage so I can like take a shit while I'm there.

Speaker 1 Are we allowed to take shits while we're there?

Speaker 8 It's just all all carbs. I'm going to get, you know, locked up.

Speaker 9 Yeah, there'll be raw fish for you all to shit in, I promise. Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.
Okay. And what are the facilities? Like, this is maybe my most important question.

Speaker 1 What are the

Speaker 1 restroom facilities like at the festival? Like, do we have some sort of private area?

Speaker 9 Absolutely cat style.

Speaker 1 Cat style? What is cat style?

Speaker 9 Giant litter box. That's how we do it on the yard.

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 No, then I'm comfortable. This is feeling.

Speaker 1 I don't. I've never shit in front of Phoebe before.
Maybe we should just get it out of the way now before we go to the festival.

Speaker 8 A-R-B.

Speaker 9 We're really, if you think bathrooms would make people more comfortable, we'll absolutely do that because you're thinking we're really trying to change the yard's perception.

Speaker 9 I feel like people think about Martha's Vineyard and they have like a very specific idea of what it is. We're trying to do the comedy festival to be like, oh, it's not just Chaffaquittick.

Speaker 1 It's not just I've only heard about Martha Vineyard, like a place that rich people.

Speaker 1 I don't think that the Ted Kennedy stuff has really been stuff that people have been thinking about. Good.

Speaker 1 I mean, it is good for you, I guess. Do you have something to do with this? I keep coming coming back to this.
Yeah.

Speaker 8 It feels like you're evolved somehow.

Speaker 1 You're cutting all this out. Yeah, I'm cutting all this out.
Yeah, don't worry. Hey, editor, when you're doing all the work about the, you know, me fixing Phoebe's title, can you cut all this out?

Speaker 1 This stuff that's coming up right now? Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I thought it'd be really funny. Okay, so I'm obviously

Speaker 9 75 years old. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was going to say, well, I mean, I had you pinpointed between 74 and 75 and a half. Yeah, I'm 75, exactly.
My birthday is today. Oh, happy birthday.

Speaker 1 Albert.

Speaker 9 Nobody said anything. I'm wearing a happy birthday pin and a happy birthday tiara, and literally nobody said anything.

Speaker 1 I thought you were going to someone else's party. And you know what I mean?

Speaker 9 And I wore a happy birthday pin and a happy birthday tiara at someone else's party.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I would do that where I'm like, happy birthday. Look, even my clothing is saying happy birthday, not just my voice.

Speaker 9 Yeah, it is my birthday to save.

Speaker 1 Thanks, Phoebe.

Speaker 1 We're a good team. I'm looking forward to this festival.
Me too.

Speaker 9 So, for my, so, you know, I sort of like back in the day, I, so you know, obviously the classic story, because Robert F.

Speaker 9 Kennedy was assassinated the year before, it was sort of like a whole thing where they were like, oh, Ted, we really want to make sure that we're all behind you.

Speaker 9 You're going to try and get the presidential nomination to run against Jimmy Carter. This is a 1990 story, 1969.

Speaker 1 1969. Okay.

Speaker 9 And so they were having this party for a bunch of aides. And so Mary Joe, they were like, Ted was like, let's give, let's give Mary Joe a ride home.

Speaker 9 Well, I was at that party and I was a little inebriated. And I turned, I turned the sign.
There was a sign that said, like, oh, dock this way, or you can go back to the houses this way. And I sort of.

Speaker 1 That's a complicated sign, by the way. That's a complicated idea to communicate.
Well, it's houses this way. You can turn back and get to the other places this way.

Speaker 9 Yeah, it's one road. And there was a sign that said, keep going to the beach this way, houses this way.
And I just sort of did. I was like, what if I flipped them?

Speaker 9 Wouldn't that be pretty funny?

Speaker 9 Wouldn't that be kind of funny?

Speaker 8 So it's kind of your fault. What?

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 I'm just sort of. How'd you flip them? Did you have to make a whole new sign? Like, did you go down to the Kinko's or whatever was the equivalent back then yeah what was the equivalent of kinkos

Speaker 1 copying machines i don't think even existed then like mimeographs

Speaker 1 like uh

Speaker 1 but yeah remember uh when i was going to school how uh everything was in triplicates like triplicates oh where you had to like press really hard on yeah yeah and the and the and the carbon paper and everything oh yeah yeah remember that when i was in school as you can probably see from my cutoff my cutoff shirts and my cutoff shorts that are very strong I didn't realize those were cutoffs.

Speaker 1 It makes more sense now.

Speaker 9 You didn't realize these were cutoffs? What did you think it was, Scott?

Speaker 1 I thought they were store-bought that way.

Speaker 9 Whoa, no, I cut them off because I'm too strong.

Speaker 1 What did you do with the part that you cut off? Huh? What did you do with the remnants, dear?

Speaker 9 I make stuffed animals.

Speaker 1 You make stuffed animals?

Speaker 9 Anything. Yes.
I use my sewing machine and I make stuffed animals. Yeah, right here.

Speaker 9 I literally have a present in front of you. I'm giving you a present on my birthday, and you haven't even opened it.
You haven't touched it.

Speaker 1 I'm supposed to open this? Yes. Okay.

Speaker 1 let me see.

Speaker 9 What? Do you normally just have presents sitting in front of you that aren't for you to open?

Speaker 1 I don't know what. Look, it's not my birthday.

Speaker 1 You said happy birthday. I thought you were going to a party, and this was the present you were taking to one of your friends.
Okay, I apologize. I don't.
This is good, right? Yeah, it's so good.

Speaker 1 So good.

Speaker 9 Apology accepted.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Apology accepted. Good.
Apology accepted.

Speaker 1 Let me open it up. Let me see what I can do.

Speaker 9 You're cutting all this out, right?

Speaker 1 I'm cutting all this out. Okay, great.
Okay. Okay, this is, this is, it's flat.
It's not, I mean, stuffed animals normally have something.

Speaker 9 That's my thing, two-dimensional stuffed animals.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 9 Like, flat, like paper.

Speaker 1 That's what I say.

Speaker 9 No stuffing. It's just fabric.

Speaker 1 It's, yeah, it's very thin.

Speaker 9 But it's sewed together. Just paper thin.

Speaker 1 It is sewed together.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's, I mean, it's kind of ugly, but. Thank you.

Speaker 9 You know, ugly dolls? Do you remember those? I do. Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is.

Speaker 9 They were made them and they're prettier now.

Speaker 1 Fugly dolls, maybe, is the brand name you could use.

Speaker 9 Doesn't that mean fucking ugly?

Speaker 1 It's sort of worse. I guess.

Speaker 1 I think when it first came out, it meant that, and nowadays it's just been.

Speaker 9 It's chill. It's cute.

Speaker 1 cute. It's cute.
It's cute.

Speaker 9 I'll trademark that. Take that for the stage, Scott.

Speaker 1 Okay. Well, wonderful.

Speaker 9 So re-record, re-record. Okay.
So, yes. So I'm so glad that I can count the two of you in for the festival.

Speaker 1 Sure, what are the dates?

Speaker 9 What day is it today?

Speaker 1 Monday.

Speaker 9 Oh, trat. It was the last weekend.

Speaker 1 Oh. It was last weekend.

Speaker 1 Okay. Dang.

Speaker 9 It took me a while to walk out here. And it actually was last weekend.

Speaker 1 Wow. And the festival was coming.
Can we still get paid? We signed the contract. Yeah.

Speaker 9 If you promise to do the festival next year,

Speaker 1 I don't think this festival is going to end up. No.

Speaker 1 She didn't even know when.

Speaker 8 Shady as fuck. Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, I say we sign the contract. Will you pay in advance or is it still $5 every hour?

Speaker 9 Phoebe, we're paying in advance for sure. Oh, sick.
We are giving you your $10,000 in

Speaker 1 quarter lump sums. Quarter lump?

Speaker 9 Yes, you get a quarter.

Speaker 1 Quarter of a lump.

Speaker 9 We'll throw it at your head.

Speaker 1 I'll still take it. I'm in.
Oh, fantastic. Yay!

Speaker 1 All right, I just got to write three and a half hours more material. I do have a big Michael Fumps chili Michael Fumps chelk.

Speaker 9 Oh, thank God. Sage,

Speaker 1 Scott. I'd have to.
All right.

Speaker 1 We do have to take a break. Can you stick around, Egg? Of course.
Okay, well, we have a music critic coming up on the show. So maybe you want to book the music critic.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know what you want. Want to book the music critic? I have no idea.
To be on your festival. To talk about Taylor Swift's new album?

Speaker 1 Meow.

Speaker 1 We don't want to get those Swifties after us, do we?

Speaker 1 Did you listen to the sound kind of sucks?

Speaker 9 Did you listen to it?

Speaker 1 I did, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 9 What do you think, honestly? Honest opinion. Go cut this out.

Speaker 1 Cut this out, but I'm holding my fingers to my nose. Yeah, the PU, the universal PUs.

Speaker 9 There was one of the songs that I just read the beat, and I was like, oh, okay, this is kind of fun. And the second the words came in, I went, oh no.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Phoebe, you don't want to weigh in on this, right?

Speaker 8 No, I don't listen to her.

Speaker 1 You don't listen to her? Good. Don't care.
I think that's exactly. Why would you? All right.

Speaker 1 We'll talk about all of this with the music critic, but we're going to come right back. We're going to have more egg doof.
We're going to have more Phoebe Robinson.

Speaker 1 We'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this.

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Speaker 1 Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Phoebe Robinson, stand-up comedian, extraordinaire.
The special is I don't want to work anymore.

Speaker 1 It is out on YouTube right now, and there is not a better hour that you can spend with your life.

Speaker 1 What do you think of that? Wow. Like,

Speaker 1 put the kids down, send them off to bed. Who needs to watch them grow up? I know they grow up so fast.

Speaker 1 Watch this hour. Yeah.

Speaker 8 Watch this 59 minutes and 33 seconds of stand-up. That's right.

Speaker 1 Yeah. We also have egg d'oof.

Speaker 9 Try one more time.

Speaker 1 Egg d'ouf. It's getting...

Speaker 9 Try more French.

Speaker 1 Egg d'ouf. No.
No? Okay.

Speaker 1 Take a little the first one. That felt kind of racist the way I was doing it.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 9 I wouldn't say racist. I'd say problematic.

Speaker 1 Yeah, are French people a race? I can't tell. No.
No.

Speaker 9 you can't tell.

Speaker 1 I don't see

Speaker 1 dear. Put on your glasses.
Oh, no. Oh, now I see it.

Speaker 9 Oh, you're seeing horse now.

Speaker 9 Take them off.

Speaker 1 All right, I got him off. You know what? We need to get to our next guest.

Speaker 1 He's a music critic. This is exciting.
Please welcome to the show, Duno.

Speaker 10 Thank you for having me, Scott. I'm thrilled to be here.

Speaker 1 Oh, hi. Hello, Duno.

Speaker 1 I can barely see you.

Speaker 10 Ah, yes. Put those glasses back on.

Speaker 1 Uh-oh.

Speaker 1 Hi.

Speaker 1 I mean, should look, do you want me to call out the elephant in the room here?

Speaker 1 No pun intended, but

Speaker 10 I don't know what pun they would have been getting at.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, your type generally is always around flies because they're using their ears and trunk to swat at them.

Speaker 10 Yes, we are always around flies because we are there using the PCs. Yes, yes, you've called it out, Scott.
I will admit, I'm a fly.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm a fly. You're a fly.
You're hovering next. And I'm on a podcast.

Speaker 1 You're hovering next to the microphone.

Speaker 10 Yes, yes, yes. Couldn't have gotten a small chair for me.

Speaker 1 I got the big chair for what I assumed would be a human guest.

Speaker 10 At one time I was, Scott, but no longer, as you can see, I am.

Speaker 1 At one time, you were what?

Speaker 10 A human.

Speaker 1 You were a human. Oh, how did this come to pass then? You're now a fly.

Speaker 10 I'm now a fly, Scott.

Speaker 10 I went into a machine. A machine I should never have entered.
Like a threshing machine?

Speaker 10 Not, it threshed my life, it did.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 metaphorical threshing machine. Yes.

Speaker 10 And I came out, and I am the monstrosity that you see before you now.

Speaker 1 You're just a fly. You're not a monstrosity.

Speaker 10 Scott, that is music to my ears.

Speaker 1 I mean, I don't like flies all that much because you vomit on food and stuff.

Speaker 10 Ah, yes, yes, yes. This has been a learning curve for me.
It has been a process. Let me tell you what.
I puked way less before this and now way more.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would imagine the puking has intensified almost tenfold.

Speaker 10 Almost tenfold. And it is still,

Speaker 10 it's an adjustment. However, I am coming around to it and there are benefits.
After all, once I puke on the food, no one else seems to want to touch it and it's all mine.

Speaker 1 Well, the problem is more that we don't notice that a fly has puked on our food and then we eat it and we get all that disgusting puke.

Speaker 1 And it happens all the time. We, like, probably eight times a day for a human.
We don't know that we are eating fly puke.

Speaker 1 It's not great. It's not great.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I saw a

Speaker 1 kind of assembly about this when I was 10 years old, and it's really affected my life. It was an assembly?

Speaker 1 It was an assembly? It was, yeah, it was like someone came in to talk to us about health and safety and then talked about flies and how bad they are and how they puke on our food.

Speaker 10 Scott, I've been to those same assemblies for it. Once I was a human, so I'm I'm familiar with those types of

Speaker 10 gatherings.

Speaker 1 Can I just say, I know you used to be a human. You don't have to continually.

Speaker 10 Well, I feel as though I do sometimes because I feel it gets lost in the current viewing of who I am now.

Speaker 9 What type of human?

Speaker 10 A good one.

Speaker 1 What does that mean?

Speaker 9 Well, what type of. I don't know.
There's lots of different types of humans. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 But what does a good one mean? Ah, yes.

Speaker 10 One that participated in his community.

Speaker 1 What does happen? You lived somewhere? Uh-huh.

Speaker 10 Mostly. Yes.

Speaker 1 Mostly. Mostly, with the mostly up in time.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 10 don't you ever feel sometimes you're not fully living, you know, that you're just kind of, you know, just operating day to day, just trying to get by. Okay.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 10 Never truly grasping at the fruit of life. That was me at one point, but no more.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 10 For I have a short time to live.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's, do you have this lifespan of a fly life cycle?

Speaker 10 I'm on a fly cycle.

Speaker 1 So this happened to you today? Because, I mean, flies live about 24 hours or so. Yes.

Speaker 10 Flies live 24 hours, and I have me a moments left, Scott.

Speaker 1 So, can we please get to it for God?

Speaker 1 You're a music critic, I guess. Yes, you want to get to your thing? I want to get to my thing one last time before I call it a day.

Speaker 10 Scott,

Speaker 1 do you like music?

Speaker 10 Yeah, Phoebe, do you like music?

Speaker 8 Love it.

Speaker 1 Egg.

Speaker 9 Beautiful pronunciation. That was music to my ears.

Speaker 1 So you like that?

Speaker 9 Me? I love that.

Speaker 1 Try one more time.

Speaker 1 Why are you looking at me? Try one more time? No. Do you? Scott? No, dono.
Scott, try one more time? Duno is the one who did it.

Speaker 9 Duno did it perfectly. That was beautiful.

Speaker 1 Oh, you want me to try? Scott, you tried? Stop. Stop.

Speaker 10 Well, then, we all agree we all like music, and that is a wonderful thing because music does give us life.

Speaker 1 When you were a music critic, is this how you would lead off most of your paragraphs about that? Like, do you like music? Yes.

Speaker 1 I think anyone reading your article, kind of the assumption is they are interested in music.

Speaker 10 I know, but it becomes interactive when I ask them that question, then they answer yes, and they're saying, We're part of the conversation now. Now we're into this.
Whose review is this?

Speaker 10 Is it his review? Is it my review? Is it our review?

Speaker 1 Okay. So, what do you, now that we all like music, what are you here to talk about?

Speaker 10 Oasis,

Speaker 10 Scott, I went to a concert recently that was intoxicating to the soul.

Speaker 1 Okay, this is the Oasis Reunion Tour.

Speaker 10 The Oasis Reunion Tour live 25.

Speaker 1 And this was a few months back?

Speaker 10 It was.

Speaker 1 When you were a human.

Speaker 10 Oh, human walking on all twos.

Speaker 10 Scott, I took a trip to the UK. You know what that stands for?

Speaker 1 United Kingdom. It's your surrounding.
You're using it to refer to the United Kingdom.

Speaker 10 I am. And particular emphasis on United.
For that night, we all were

Speaker 10 in Murray Field. Scott, it was incredible.

Speaker 1 Murray Field is in

Speaker 1 Scotland, Scott.

Speaker 1 Yes, Scotland.

Speaker 1 So you were a human being who went to Scotland to see Oasis. Yes.
Yes. And it was fun.

Speaker 10 It was fun, Scott.

Speaker 10 It was beyond fun. But I'll tell you this.

Speaker 10 Already at that point, I had begun questioning, who am I? Is this who I want to continue to be?

Speaker 1 Oh, I didn't realize that was part of your story. I thought you just accidentally walked into some sort of brundle fly machine or something.

Speaker 10 I did. I did.
But I now question whether that was accidental or intentional.

Speaker 1 Okay, so you think that unlike, say, Dr. Manhattan, who walked into that machine and then said, I'm Ribs,

Speaker 1 you think that you intentionally

Speaker 1 walked into this, subconsciously intentionally walked into this machine knowing it would cause you to transform and perhaps even transmogrify into this fly.

Speaker 1 Scott, the very thing that you say is what I was feeling.

Speaker 1 Okay. And you knew, did someone explain what this machine would do or anything like that?

Speaker 10 No, I took a guess.

Speaker 1 A hope, a dream. So someone left this machine unattended? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 10 And I walked right into it saying, God, I hope this changes me for the better.

Speaker 9 Where was it?

Speaker 10 Oh, have you ever been to

Speaker 1 Ross?

Speaker 1 Dress Ross?

Speaker 1 Which one?

Speaker 10 The one on

Speaker 1 La Brea. Oh, yeah, of course.
Ah, that's the very one.

Speaker 9 I got running shoes there for a tough mutter.

Speaker 1 Wait, the one by the is it by the Chick-fil-A? No, that's Sunset and Labrea.

Speaker 10 No, but it is by a chicken-type establishment of Librevox.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, the off-brand one.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, yeah. This is very specific LA.

Speaker 1 Yes. BB, try to catch up.
I know.

Speaker 8 Yeah, try to catch up. I'm just, so there were their instructions on you just walk.

Speaker 1 Okay. And what it was in a changing room, or it's in the back room?

Speaker 10 You know how those with the clothes racks are in a circle and sometimes when you were a kid, you would kind of like go, you'd spread the shirts apart and you'd walk into them and kind of hide from your parents or whatnot.

Speaker 1 So you'd become your own little fort.

Speaker 10 Well, I still do that.

Speaker 9 You go shopping with your mom and you hide from her.

Speaker 1 That's right. Okay.

Speaker 10 That's right.

Speaker 1 And it was in the middle of this.

Speaker 10 It was in the middle of a rack of tank tops.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 10 Scott, we are approaching. the winter season and tank tops are on sale cheaper than they are ever going to be all year long and that's when you you stock up.

Speaker 1 But you weren't there to stock up. You were just there to hide from your mom.

Speaker 1 What was your mom buying?

Speaker 10 My mom was buying dungarees.

Speaker 1 Dungarees? What is a dungare?

Speaker 10 Oh, dungarees are like a gene.

Speaker 1 Okay, I feel like we're getting off topic. Okay.

Speaker 10 Oh, I think we've never been more on topic.

Speaker 1 Was there a scientist who worked at this roster? Like, who left this machine there? Did you ever get the story?

Speaker 10 Yes, there was a scientist who worked there, and

Speaker 10 he was shopping at the time.

Speaker 1 He brought his machine in. It was portable.

Speaker 10 It was portable because you don't want to leave that in the car, not in that neighborhood, because it's a tough neighborhood.

Speaker 10 And so he's like, I'm going to bring this in with me. And he, to my knowledge, had brought it in.
And then

Speaker 10 I guess there was a Marshalls nearby and they were having a sale. And he's like, oh, boy, I better capitalize on that real quick.
So he's like, I'm going to hide this machine in this.

Speaker 1 He didn't want to lug it over to the Marshalls.

Speaker 10 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. So he's like, I'll be right back.

Speaker 1 Okay. How did you learn all this? Because

Speaker 1 undoubtedly you turned into a fly. Then were you buzzing around trying to ascertain what had happened for you?

Speaker 10 I was trying to gain my mother's attention while I was like, I'm here. I'm still here.

Speaker 1 She didn't have a microphone that she was.

Speaker 10 She didn't have a microphone. No, my voice could be.

Speaker 1 To amplify your voice,

Speaker 10 not unlike Liam and Noel, who have microphones to amplify their voice.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess we share those similarities with Liam and Noel Gallagher.

Speaker 1 We're speaking into microphones right now. That's right.

Speaker 10 Don't you?

Speaker 9 This is this is can I ask a question? Sure. Yeah.
Oasis.

Speaker 1 That's, I think that's Green Day.

Speaker 9 Continue.

Speaker 1 What is Oasis? What is Oasis? They sing, maybe.

Speaker 1 I don't really want to know.

Speaker 1 God in Grace.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Maybe a different one.
Tuesday. It's going to be the day they're going to go back to you.

Speaker 1 By now, you should somehow realize what you gotta do. Come on, baby, shoot that baby.
Come on, baby, shoot that baby.

Speaker 10 I am back at Murray Field as we speak. This is incredible.

Speaker 1 You'll never make it to Murray Field again. Even if you tried flying there right now, as a fly, you could get there quicker than us, but you'll never make it.

Speaker 8 Why do you bring that up?

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, but that's the reality of the situation.

Speaker 1 I mean, undoubtedly, you'll never see your mother again. She's probably looking around for you.

Speaker 1 Doesn't know what happened to you.

Speaker 1 Right, right. Right.
You'll never see another concert. You're probably not going to make it to tonight.
Unless there's an afternoon concert, like that movie Trap.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 Right. With a big long intermission.
Yes. Where she has to change costumes and shuts down for an hour in the middle of it.
Yeah.

Speaker 9 They're working with a non-union crew at

Speaker 1 that stadium, I think. Probably.
Probably.

Speaker 10 Well, Scott, I choose to not look back in anger. Instead, I look forward.

Speaker 1 That's an oasis egg. That's an oasis.
Oh, I see. Look back in anger.
Yes. Okay, yes.

Speaker 10 Yes, but maybe it would be more helpful for you if I were to say that

Speaker 10 I don't want to look back on a boulevard of broken dreams.

Speaker 9 You don't want to close your eyes and you don't want to fall asleep.

Speaker 10 I don't want to miss a thing.

Speaker 1 Right. Right, Aerosmith.
So,

Speaker 1 anyways,

Speaker 10 I am a fly now, but I did experience Oasis. And I got to say, they've got a few tour dates left this year.
They're hinting at a 2026 tour.

Speaker 1 They'll have to change the name of the tour, probably.

Speaker 10 Right, right. It's no longer live 25, so it'll probably be.

Speaker 1 We do this for the kicks 26. Yes.
Wow. Oh,

Speaker 9 that was good.

Speaker 1 Say that for the stage, Scott.

Speaker 1 That sounds like something Liam and Noel would say.

Speaker 1 We do this for the kicks.

Speaker 1 When I went to Oasis, I felt like I was very lucky because I went to a particular show that Liam dedicated one of the songs to Woody Woodpecker.

Speaker 1 This is for Woody Woodpecker.

Speaker 1 That's so funny.

Speaker 10 The one in Scotland he dedicated to

Speaker 10 who is the lady who I think it was the lady who had

Speaker 10 a beautiful voice.

Speaker 1 She was like on the you're going to have to be more specific. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Other than the entire realm of recorded entertainment.

Speaker 10 Right, right, right.

Speaker 1 Maybe Mrs. Miller would be excluded, but

Speaker 10 she was on

Speaker 10 a reality singing show years ago.

Speaker 9 Kelly Clarkson.

Speaker 10 No, No, yes, yes. But I think she's famous for having a beautiful voice, but being perceived by someone.

Speaker 1 I think we're talking about Susan Boyle. Boyle.
Boyle.

Speaker 10 Yes, that's who he dedicated the show to, I believe.

Speaker 1 Strangely enough, not related to Peter Boyle of young Frank and Francis and everybody loves Raymond Finn. Fame.
That is strange. It is.
The stranger things have happened, but yeah.

Speaker 10 Ah, yes, they have, and they will again, because there is a last season coming forward. One that I'll never get to see.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm so sorry. What was your name? Duno?

Speaker 10 Duno. I've taken on a fly.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a fly name? Yes, it is. What was your human name? Evan.

Speaker 1 Evan what?

Speaker 10 Evan Riley.

Speaker 1 Evan Riley? Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't read your work.
Who did you write for?

Speaker 10 Newsweek.

Speaker 1 You were a music critic for Newsweek?

Speaker 1 Did you put Bruce Springsteen on the cover of Newsweek and Time that same week?

Speaker 10 No, and I thought you hadn't read me.

Speaker 1 Can I ask a question?

Speaker 9 So you've taken on a fly name, so theoretically there is some sort of a fly language, but we have a microphone close to you and you're speaking

Speaker 1 human English. Right, right.

Speaker 9 So can you communicate with other flies?

Speaker 10 I certainly can. It's a little bit difficult at this point yet because I'm still grasping and wrangling the language.
But yes, I can, and I'll tell you what, I have

Speaker 10 met

Speaker 10 the fly of my dreams.

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 1 Wow. Oh, my God.
That's amazing. Were you attracted to flies as a human?

Speaker 10 I was famously celibate during my human beings. Famous.

Speaker 1 Famously celibate. I'd never even heard of your writing, let alone the fact that you were celibate.

Speaker 10 Okay, well, in some circles, famously celibate.

Speaker 1 But is that because you were attracted to flies and you couldn't find a way to fit your human-sized penis into a fly? And now the tables have turned.

Speaker 1 Scott,

Speaker 1 no matter how small,

Speaker 1 no matter how needle-dicked you are, I don't believe it could fit into a fly.

Speaker 1 So if you were attracted to flies, look, the fact that you're attracted to flies, and I'm just assuming at this point, but it sounds like you are, makes me think that none of this was an accident.

Speaker 1 You'd been perhaps tailing the scientist, knowing what this machine could do, and that finally,

Speaker 1 in fact, it sounds like maybe you were stalking a particular fly, a female fly, that you'd noticed earlier in the morning and you seized upon this opportunity. Is this really what's going on?

Speaker 1 Duno, aka Mr. Riley?

Speaker 1 Well, well, well,

Speaker 10 I guess the cat's out of the bag and the fly is into the trap.

Speaker 10 You got that pegged almost completely correct, Scott.

Speaker 1 What was the one part that I got wrong?

Speaker 10 I never had a big human dick. I've always had a fly dick and I was waiting for the moment where I could be amongst those who could appreciate it.

Speaker 1 So wait, you're a human with a fly dick. Did you then turn into a fly with a human dick?

Speaker 10 I was a human with a fly-sized dick.

Speaker 1 And so now are you a fly with a human-sized dick? Did it change everything? Like, is it totally opposite? Scott.

Speaker 1 Or is it even tinier?

Speaker 10 It's even tinier now.

Speaker 1 It's proportional.

Speaker 1 It's proportional. Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay. Good.

Speaker 10 But the flies are more forgiving. That's the thing.
They're more forgiving.

Speaker 1 They don't have these beauty standards.

Speaker 1 They're not out there looking at guest gene ads

Speaker 10 billboards. Despite their many eyes, you are correct.

Speaker 1 And no pants.

Speaker 10 And no pants. And that is the true beauty.
We don't judge.

Speaker 10 We don't sneer.

Speaker 10 We don't gawk.

Speaker 10 Instead, we embrace.

Speaker 1 So, you have an Aedagus, which is the, I don't know if I'm pronouncing that correctly.

Speaker 1 Oh, I am. Okay, that's the specialized reproduction organ of a fly that functions as your penis.

Speaker 9 Are you reading that off your tiny, tiny little laptop?

Speaker 1 Looks like a laptop that I would use. Oh, toss it's proportional.
It's perfectly proportional. It just got tails.
Oh, my gosh.

Speaker 1 But that's great for you. So, what's her name?

Speaker 10 Her name is Ulclaude.

Speaker 1 Ultlaude. Yeah, wonderful.
And she wants to be with you. She wants to be with me.

Speaker 10 She is with me. And we've already begun the process of regeneration.

Speaker 10 That's what we call it.

Speaker 10 What does that mean? That's what we call

Speaker 10 giving birth and recreating life.

Speaker 1 Oh, meaning you're going to have a child.

Speaker 1 You're not regenerating your own body.

Speaker 10 No, but I am regenerating my own spirit that will live on in my children for hours upon hours upon hours.

Speaker 1 That's great. Well, yeah, I mean, congratulations.
I know you only have mere moments left to live.

Speaker 10 And I brought a little something for us to celebrate this.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay. All right.
Great.

Speaker 10 A champagne for you. Wow.
A glass of champagne for you.

Speaker 10 A glass of champagne for you.

Speaker 1 This is like one drop.

Speaker 9 For you, it looks totally normal in your hand, Scott.

Speaker 1 Really, you got to come closer.

Speaker 10 And I was thinking, maybe toasted something? We certainly could, and perhaps we could sing a little song as we do.

Speaker 1 Oh, play. Oh, sure.
What song?

Speaker 1 I was thinking we could

Speaker 10 could maybe sing Champagne Supernova.

Speaker 1 Oh, I understand. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 How's that start again?

Speaker 9 Oh, I love this one.

Speaker 10 Ah, yes. You'll know it well.

Speaker 1 Egg.

Speaker 1 Beautiful. Someday you will find me

Speaker 1 beneath the last line

Speaker 1 in the champagne supernova.

Speaker 1 It's got

Speaker 1 silence.

Speaker 10 Would you agree to sing Basket Case or Long View if you like, if that helps?

Speaker 10 Or American Idiot, if that fake

Speaker 1 is easier for you. Whenasturbations lost it.

Speaker 9 No, I want to sing.

Speaker 9 We haven't even gotten to my favorite line of champagne, Supernova. What is that?

Speaker 1 Oh, please. Oh, let's all sing it together.

Speaker 1 We've got every line we know, unfortunately. And look, you only have mere moments to live.
I know you're running out of time. We're out of time.

Speaker 1 Unfortunately, we are running out of time. We only have time for one final feature.
That is a little something called plugs.

Speaker 1 Close the plug bag.

Speaker 1 shut your famous face hole. You've flogged all your wares to the place.

Speaker 1 Now it's time to open

Speaker 1 up the plug bag. Guys, let's all play with you,

Speaker 1 the past.

Speaker 1 Wow,

Speaker 1 amazing. Blast from the past there.
That That was Closing Time Travel by Dennis Steak and the plebisonics. That was a parody, I believe, of a previous guest, Dan Wilson's song

Speaker 1 called Closing Time.

Speaker 1 But what do we plug in? Phoebe Robinson,

Speaker 1 you have the special. The special is called I Don't Want to Work Anymore.
It's out on YouTube right now. Anyone can access this.

Speaker 8 Anyone.

Speaker 1 No, no, you don't have to show your ID or anything like that.

Speaker 8 All ages. All ages, babies.
It's kid appropriate.

Speaker 1 It is, in a way.

Speaker 1 If you want to teach your kid about eating pussy.

Speaker 1 And anything else going on? I mean, you have some secret thing at work, which the New Yorker Festival is involved somehow. But what else is going on?

Speaker 1 I'm on Bumble, so you can find me on there. Okay.
What is Bumble exactly?

Speaker 1 Your eyes lit up, by the way.

Speaker 1 Hearing another insect.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's how I found my love. Is Bumble a dating app? It is a dating app.
Okay, so you're unmatched right now. You talk about this a bit in the special events.

Speaker 8 Yes, I'm unmatched. And then you can follow me on Instagram and

Speaker 1 X.

Speaker 1 The Anything app. Yeah,

Speaker 8 Dope Queen Phoebes, P-H-E-E-B-S. That's right.

Speaker 1 All right. And egg,

Speaker 1 next year's festival, you want to plug that, I'm sure?

Speaker 9 Oh, yes, of course. So if you, I want to plug two days ago, the

Speaker 9 Off the Vine, On the Yard, Comedy Festival, Premiere Festival. Go see that two days ago.
Go see that two days ago. Make sure you get there early.

Speaker 9 Double all you can eat.

Speaker 9 It was a sensational time, and I think it was.

Speaker 1 Were you even there? It sounded like you were in the middle of the day.

Speaker 9 I was walking to LA to get you, Scott.

Speaker 1 So, have you checked in with anyone about how it went?

Speaker 9 $5,000, pennies in hand, to beg you to do the festival.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Honestly,

Speaker 1 I'll still do it. The rate is going down rapidly.
I don't like this.

Speaker 1 Anything else to plug? Any media you're consuming?

Speaker 9 Any media I'm consuming, of course.

Speaker 1 You know, like, are there any shows on certain streaming services that you yes?

Speaker 9 My favorite show.

Speaker 9 My favorite show in the entire world. Have you seen The Pottery Show?

Speaker 1 I haven't. I do.
Oh, yeah. I was thinking more like a show like, you know,

Speaker 1 like there's there's a show like very important people that I I've seen some clips from.

Speaker 9 No, I don't know what that is. I

Speaker 9 there's a pottery show.

Speaker 1 I don't know what it's called,

Speaker 9 but there's a man with a weird haircut and he cries if the pottery is beautiful and he does not cry if the pottery is just okay.

Speaker 1 So definitely watch that on streaming.

Speaker 9 Huh?

Speaker 1 How often does he cry, dear?

Speaker 9 More often than you would think, but not often enough for the potters. They're very upset all the time, constantly.

Speaker 9 Also, what I will say is, and this is going to come as a surprise based on everything else I said, you can go. There's a lot of terrible anti-trans bills happening across the country.

Speaker 9 Please go

Speaker 9 donate, follow, like, share local organizations in your community.

Speaker 9 But if you don't know where to start, Transgender Law Center is a great, is a great place and they could use your money.

Speaker 1 All right, fantastic. And do know, you, I mean, I don't know if you have anything to plug, you're going to die.
Oh my gosh, you're

Speaker 1 you vomiting or are you coughing? I can't quite tell. Both.
Oh dear. Both.
Don't eat this cinnamon roll, Scott. Oh, that's my, that's what I was saving for an after-show treat.
I'm so sorry. Okay.

Speaker 1 You have to go to the bakery after I'm. Why do you sound like Bill Cosby right now?

Speaker 1 You have to go to the bakery.

Speaker 10 That's how we all sound as we approach the end.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 10 Scott, if you could please tune in Monday, November 3rd to the season 2 premiere of St. Dennis.

Speaker 1 Medical. Okay.
On NBC MP Cosmic.

Speaker 1 I promise I'll do that to you. As your last dying wish, I promise I will tune in to the season two premiere of St.
Dennis.

Speaker 10 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 1 Don't die yet because we still have to close up the plug bag and then say goodbye to everyone.

Speaker 1 Hold on for just a little bit, okay?

Speaker 1 I want to plug. Oh, wait, I have one more thing to plug in.
Oh, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 8 I have a sub stack called Thoughts and Prayers that I write about pop culture and my life.

Speaker 1 Very good. I want to plug the new action figures we have.
We have Italiano Jones and Entre P newer action figures. I'm looking at them right now.
They're beautiful. Series 2 just started coming out.

Speaker 1 They're on sale at figurecollections.com. Also in stock, we have Randy Snuts and Carissa, Big Sue, Sprague the Whisperer, J.W.
Stillwater, and Scott Ockerman, Little Old Me. Complete your collection.

Speaker 1 Also, European customers can go to actionfigureseller.com, cheaper import fees. And we have CBB Throwback Tees available.

Speaker 1 We have Calvin's Twins teas, Comedy Bing-Bong, all joking a salad, and Hey Nong Man t-shirts available. We just launched a new Bob Duca t-shirt, which is available from a couple of weeks ago.

Speaker 1 It's uh, you can't afford these mustache rides.

Speaker 1 Uh, Bob Duca t-shirt, um, and that's available as a ringer or a baseball tee, all available at podswag.com slash comedy bang bang. All right, let's close up the old plug bag.
Open up the plug bag

Speaker 1 2025.

Speaker 1 to

Speaker 1 open

Speaker 1 the

Speaker 1 bag Dude dude

Speaker 1 All right, that was Plug in the Jungle by Sasha Natasha. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 If you have a plug theme, head over to cbbworld.com/slash plugs, and you can upload your song and find anything you need for remixes there. And I want to thank our guests here, Phoebe Robinson.

Speaker 1 So good to see you again.

Speaker 8 So good to see you. Thank you for having me.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being here. And, you know, come back whenever you're in LA.
I would love to. All right, fantastic.
And then

Speaker 1 Egg, do it. Wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Where did Egg go?

Speaker 1 I think Egg started walking back to get back in time for that festival.

Speaker 1 Egg went away.

Speaker 1 She couldn't stay.

Speaker 1 Not even for a day. This is a parody of Don't Go Away, I believe, by your favorite band Oasis.
Yes. Yeah, and do know, how are you do? Are you do yesing or are you do no?

Speaker 10 I'm do-knowing, Scott. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 You held on as long as you could. Are you about to expire?

Speaker 10 That I am.

Speaker 10 Scott, I'm going to that old bug zapper in the sky.

Speaker 1 Really? Is that what happens when you pass on is you go to a bug zapper?

Speaker 10 Yes, we know the end.

Speaker 1 Oh, okay, so flies know what happens.

Speaker 1 Okay, so is that what happens to humans too? We go to a bug zapper?

Speaker 10 You go to your own bug zapper, and I'll tell you what, it doesn't hurt.

Speaker 1 Oh, what, dying? Or, because dying, I've heard actually painful, very painful, but being

Speaker 1 dead doesn't hurt.

Speaker 10 Not a bit.

Speaker 1 Well, yeah, your brain is turned off.

Speaker 10 That's right.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 Well, goodbye, Duno. We enjoyed having you on.
I'm sorry, you were such a good guest. We can't have you on any longer.

Speaker 10 I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry. Did you ever get together with whatever her name was, by the way? Like, because.

Speaker 10 Yeah, no, you never did.

Speaker 1 We never did.

Speaker 1 I was supposed to meet her for

Speaker 1 coffee? I was supposed to meet her for a schlurp of coffee. Oh, I'm sorry that you wasted so much time being on this podcast.
Not a waste.

Speaker 1 But you know, you told us all about this Oasis show, although we didn't really hear that much about it.

Speaker 10 well, Scott, you heard all you need to know. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 That's another Oasis song.

Speaker 1 Okay, this is a good use of your time, by the way. Thank you.
When are you going to die?

Speaker 10 Definitely, maybe.

Speaker 1 Definitely, maybe. Okay, this is another.
Okay, we're understanding this. All right.
Thanks, everyone. We'll see you next week.
Bye.

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