Devil's Advocate (Part 2)

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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Istratable.

This episode.

Wineling Wade steals Mark's cum for his chest pecker, then directs the debating dudes.

Metal Mark plies black magic, purchases a probe, and loves Luna catch up condoms, and provides punching.

Booing Bob gets sweaty for corn, and mores the cheery misinformed.

The moon, McDonald's, and muzzles.

From dictatorship to shit papers.

Yeah,

it's time for

Devil's Advocate 2.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hey everyone, welcome back to Distractibles.

I wasn't ready.

Oh, I'm so sorry you weren't ready.

Welcome to the podcast where one of us gets the host, the other two compete for points, and whoever has the most points at the end gets to host the next episode.

Unless the host declares they continue their reign, which we aren't really done.

I thought the Constitution sort of ended that sort of stuff.

There's always ways around

things.

I love all the laws just means that there is a glaring loophole that is just waiting to be exploited.

Technically, if you have the most points at the end, you can host the next episode.

You just have to justify having the most points.

That's true.

There is absolutely nothing that says hosts can't give themselves a lot of points.

Wait, I don't actually that another than what we said was true.

So, welcome to the episode.

My co-hosts, Mark and Bob, are here, and the floor is yours, I guess.

So, if you want to continue to tell me why I can't become a dictator of this podcast, go for it.

Good.

Shut up.

I didn't actually have anything.

Sorry.

You just offer when you offer the floor like that, wholesale, it's just such an opportunity.

But then,

all right, I'm stealing the show.

Look at this thing.

It's that thing you were looking for.

I had such high hopes for this thing.

Okay.

I'm glad it worked out, bud.

Yeah, it's see, it works.

It has a DaVinci plug-in, but the way this wheel works versus the way that wheel works is this is infinitely slower at actually scrubbing.

And you can either change it from jogging one frame, which it's like one revolution is a frame.

so I have to go.

Oh, God, maybe someone, if someone has used this and knows a way to modify it, it would be great if it wasn't, but it also doesn't have an indent in the wheel, so I can't spin it like this, which is how I prefer to spin that one because it makes it easier.

It's it's so close, though.

It's I love the idea, and okay, this is going to sound shitty to Logitech, but Logitech things.

You you guys can back me up.

A lot of the times, I'm like, this is a great idea.

If only they took it that last 10% of the way and got it there.

That's usually my relationship with Logitech.

I like some of their things, but some of them I'm just like,

it's so close, so close to good, so close to good.

Logitech is my only real peripheral brand that I own a lot of.

Some of it, the problems are not problems for me, but other people have problems.

But yeah, there's always like one thing.

Every Logitech thing is like, oh, this is the perfect version of whatever this keyboard, this mouse, whatever.

but also, if in most cases, I found it's still good enough where it's like, well, nothing else is even close.

So, this is just what I get to live with now.

But yeah, it's always a gripe.

You always got gripes about something.

Hey, but good news is I have a call.

As of this

podcast recording, I have a call with Black Magic Design.

Oh, shit.

Tomorrow when we're recording this, but it will already have happened.

And I'm going to talk to them about this device and being like, can you just please

just this part here would be so great?

It would be so good.

They could add even there's room for more buttons up here up above it.

Not that I would use them, but it's like these are the buttons I use the most.

Absolutely.

Everything here is what I use the most.

So it's like, I am looking forward to having a company that I'm talking to.

And you guys know, I've been talking about DaVinci Resolve for ages and ages and ages as an editing software.

And I actually had my fans compile clips of me promoting DaVinci, and I sent the document that they assembled to Black Magic Design, which makes DaVinci Resolve.

And I'm hoping, I'm hoping this call goes well tomorrow.

I'm hoping, sure.

Sure, sure.

Really pulling for it.

Very possible.

Very possible.

I have more small talk, but I won't.

Oh, thank God.

Bob.

Did you guys hear that the corn sweat is coming?

The what?

The corn sweat.

Hang on, I got to rise in my chair for this.

Wait, what?

Not to date this episode too specifically, but...

I got to shrink in my chair for this.

By the time this comes out, the corn corn sweat will have already came.

And but you know how there's where we sit, there's about to be a heat wave in the Midwest.

It's about to be like really, really hot.

And they're like, it's coming.

It's because corn sweats.

I'm not lying or exaggerating.

How much money can I pay to avoid this?

So the reason global warming is corn?

It's not corn.

It's not even six degrees of separation to the cause, I would say.

Oh, five and a half.

You know how it's not the heat, it's the humidity.

You know where they say that?

Where they fucking grow corn.

Because corn, apparently corn does a thing called evapotranspiration, which is a process by which corn plants release water vapor into the atmosphere.

Totally natural phenomenon, but it happens during a certain part of the like growing cycle of corn or whatever.

Corn's about to sweat, boys.

Right as it gets to this hot part.

Yeah.

That sucks.

It's going to be like the Amazon in Ohio.

It's Mon sweat season.

Okay.

This was going to,

I said this like it's going to be a good thing, but I mean, I guess it's only going to get worse.

So never mind.

Because they said, like, hey, soon it'll be so hot that corn won't even grow.

So.

Anyway, have you guys ever heard that before?

Oh, that's the optimism we need.

The more cornfields are taken back by the ocean, the less corn we can grow.

So that'll be good.

But yeah, so clearly, you guys have never heard that before, right?

No, never.

I don't know what happened.

Apparently they just decided this year that term exists.

And a bunch of all the news people, whatever, are like, oh, yeah, the corn's going to start sweating.

It's going to be really humid.

Like, it's a thing they've always said.

And people from like Iowa, Nebraska, places where it's basically mostly cornfields and some people scattered throughout are like, oh, yeah, the corn sweats.

I've never fucking heard this before in my entire life.

And now, suddenly, this year in the news, they're just like, oh, corn sweat.

Oh, yeah, corn sweat.

Guys, the corn sweat's coming.

You know about corn sweat.

If you harvest corn, like and you get it home and like sheer it right away, corn can can be very juicy.

My mom makes like a fried corn, but you need super fresh corn to do it.

And then it has so much, like, I don't know, corn milk or whatever, juice, whatever you want to call it in there that it, like, helps it fry itself.

I have kernels, Craig.

Can you milk me?

I believe it's called corn.

Go on.

I was going to say corn cum, but I was like,

that doesn't really work.

Oh, corn on the cum?

See, that's why, yeah, that's why you're here.

You take my jokes, you finish them for me.

I like my corn off the cum.

I got this great recipe recipe for cornbread where you actually add a can of cum corn.

Makes it really extra creamy, you know?

Hey, if you can add cum quad, why not cum corn?

I apologize for all of this.

Mark did this.

Yes, this is Mark's fault.

Do I remove a point from Mark for cum?

No, wait.

Hold on.

Don't do it for any reason like that.

Just if you're going to remove a point, just remove it.

Don't label a reason like that.

Well, I think Mark earned a cum point.

Mark, you deserved to come.

I gave Mark a cum point.

Mark's responsible for a lot of come.

That sounded even worse out loud than I actually intended for it, too.

Yeah, it usually does.

But I have a lens update.

This is how you present your lens to the cops.

What the fuck is that?

Mark, you're just raking in the points right now.

I shamelessly stole that from.

I mean, a million people made that joke, but Ethan, I watched his

alternative nuts video again.

He was like, this is how you present your hunk to a cop.

So anyway, but this one in particular, this is a phone probe lens.

It looks like you could probe with it.

Why would you want that?

I guess is the main thing I think about that.

So the issue with probe lenses is that they're very big and unwieldy.

And this isn't exactly small by any means, but most recently you may see that like phones have been on professional shoots.

And usually it's because they have other lenses.

Usually, the lens on a phone isn't really going to get you that far.

But this is an example of a weird merging of technologies that interest me because I have a set of probe lenses myself.

We use them on Iron Lung.

And then this is a phone version, which allows you because this allows you to get into spaces that you wouldn't ordinarily do like camera moves where this goes past something or inside something or horn will never be the same.

Go on.

If you don't want him to make those jokes, you got to stop thrusting it at the camera.

Really?

Well, okay, I'm going back to it being a gun soon.

I don't need this.

I don't need this.

Anyway, so it allows you to get in spaces.

And being on a phone, it can get even smaller spaces, right?

So it can get you shots that you wouldn't be able to normally get.

And I think that this actually,

I'm not sure.

One of the big restrictions is that they don't get a lot of light in them.

But it's interesting.

I haven't done a comparison, but I like the utility of a probe lens.

It just opens up another world.

It's super cool.

And so it's on a phone now.

My other question would be, how secure is that mount?

Like most of these lens kits, it's like

you put a case on your phone and you screw the lens onto the case or there's magnets or whatever.

It's a tiny little contact point that that big giant thing is connecting to the phone on.

Yeah, it's threading there.

You can see it's like two rotations of threading.

It's not secure.

I feel like that's just going to break something immediately if you move the phone or the lens the wrong way somehow.

It's meant to be all mounted to one frame or something where like the phone and the lens are all connected elsewise.

Yeah.

So you have this, this L bracket is going to be a tripod.

So basically the phone isn't even where it's mounted to hold it.

Oh, put this here.

The phone is just a hang at the back.

And so this is actually, you know, what's moving around.

That still seems like a lot of, well, interesting.

That's weird.

No, you're totally right because, okay, it's not a very mature world of technology.

They're not made robust yet.

Like camera equipment, a lot of it, even if it's delicate equipment, it's like indestructible, the good stuff.

A lot of the stuff, that's why everything has metal cages and lots of safety, you know, to make sure it doesn't break.

This also wasn't terribly expensive compared to a real probe lens.

It was still 300 bucks, but a real probe lens can cost way more than that.

They're getting cheaper because more people are baking them.

Even non-interesting professional lenses are obscenely expensive.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're telling me, man.

Listeners, Mark's looking off to his side where he allegedly has refrigerators full of lenses past.

I do.

He says he does.

His lenses aren't your car, okay?

We know they exist.

Come on, man.

It's real.

If it's so real, then why haven't you driven it yet?

I have.

Oh, yeah, said the guy who's never driven a red BMW convertible.

Pushing my reality today after the penis chest.

That was in a different episode.

Yeah, that was days ago, man.

No, no context.

Don't explain it.

Wade has penis chest.

Let's move on.

Well, Mark's had a lot of small talk.

Bob, you got any other small talk?

I have been.

Man, you know what I've been doing lately?

It's cleaning.

I really have.

My office is, I know this looks like an even bigger pile of shit than it was before, but

there's officially a power strip that's fed through the back of the thing, and I'm going to mount that in there.

And cleaning out boxes, cleaning up things, it's imperceptible on the camera as it's just sitting here on my desk.

But, like, I'm in way less of a pile of everything in my, so it's not interesting.

It's just cleaning.

But man, it actually feels pretty good to like clean myself out of my pile of shit that my office had become.

It was literally to the point where if my office is in the basement and it's a pretty big space because it's, and I was still like that thing where you have like specific places you have to step and you're like, this is how I get to my desk.

I have to shimmy in.

Now I can like walk around.

I don't have to worry about stepping on shit.

But it's not very interesting, Small Talk.

Just a lot of cleaning.

There's so much stuff in these cabinets, guys.

You wouldn't believe it.

I need to clean so much.

I need to clean so badly.

It is just a mess in here.

My office, even though you can't see it, the floor is just a goddamn mess.

I mean, it's not like I'm swimming in it.

It's like there's a pile of trash, empty boxes over here, empty boxes over here.

Especially if you're busy.

Like, I mean, you've been busy.

You've been extra busy of late, but like.

Boxes accumulate.

Well, wait, you have no excuse.

Yeah, yours isn't a mess.

Yours is just, I'm not, honestly, I don't get it.

I've never bought a piece of technology, even meaningless stuff where it's like, oh, I got a new cable where I didn't buy it and immediately just go like, I have to open it and look.

And maybe it came with a cable tie.

I want to see what it was.

And I have to, you just buy shit and then it just sits on the floor.

How could you do, how could you do that?

Maybe I'll need it.

How could you do that to things?

I love things.

How could you do that?

It's safer in the box.

It's even more protected.

I'm not even saying I don't keep the boxes.

I have dozens of boxes for things that are never going to go back in their boxes that I kept for some fucking reason.

But I just open them and use them first.

If I need backup keyboard, backup keyboard stays in backup keyboard box till I need backup keyboard.

I would be fascinated to know what keyboard you even use.

If it was a Dell membrane keyboard that came with every Dell Inspiron desktop in the entire...

It's a Razer something or another.

It's got like the little armrest pad and lights up.

Boo.

Okay.

I'm not going to boo you, but just know in my head, I'm kind of booing you.

I boo Razer because of personal experience, not because of the brand.

I was a Razer Razor gamer for a while.

I had three Razer keyboards and two Razer mice that all broke for no reason.

I've had the same Logitech mice and keyboards that I'm using currently for like five years, and they don't even look like they're old.

Like, I just had really, I think I just had really bad luck with Razor particularly, but I wouldn't even say I'm brand loyal.

I just found ones I liked that I like the mouse.

I don't know.

The mouse fits my hand.

So I okay.

I am the host and this is point affecting, but that's fine.

Boo!

If we all boo, he can't punish us separately.

Boo!

I stopped booing.

I want to put that on the record.

Boo!

Okay, now he's going to give me a point for being a coward.

Boo!

Boo!

You don't want the point for being a coward?

I don't know.

I don't trust you.

Mark deserves a coward point.

You also just reminded me I I need to get a keyboard.

You're welcome.

You got keyboard problems?

Well, okay, so I realized that I have a...

Okay, this is funny.

Look at how much wear I have on the keys of this keyboard here.

Oh, heck.

I have worn through those.

Are those lens bullet holes?

Is that a Logitech MX 10 keyless?

No, this is a surface keyboard, actually, a Microsoft Surface keyboard.

Oh, weird.

Okay.

It's a really good keyboard, but they don't make a short version of it.

So I need to find one that is shorter.

But I have worn through that.

You can't see it, but those are see-through now.

You can actually see into the mechanics of it.

I have really destroyed those.

It looks like A-S- Was it S and D?

D and D and D, yeah.

I've got to worry those specifically because I use W and A just as much as those.

Apparently not, Coward.

You're S and D and probably

the angle of where those are.

You use your pinky on those a lot, maybe, and your fingernail hits more or something weird.

I think it's more my pointer finger, but I must I must use a little more.

Anyway, someone could psychoanalyze my personality from my keyboard presses.

But after the booing, I'm not giving you a point for that.

Boo!

Boo.

Give me a point.

Boo.

Now it's a callback.

It can't be a callback.

The same interaction it was in is still happening.

No, it's only a callback if you say, this is a callback, right, as you do it.

It's a call here.

The call is coming from inside the joke.

Call today.

We're 20% off.

Right now.

Oh, yeah, it's a call now.

That's probably the thing it would be called.

It's not a callback.

What I like to do is do call forwards, which is when you set up a joke for later.

I can't wait to see which one comes back for us.

It won't be the booing, that's probably for sure.

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So, do you guys remember when we did a game a while back, Devil's Advocate, where I- No!

Yeah, I remember.

I remember.

We're going that again.

Woo!

Yay!

All right.

So here's the question I have for you.

Either...

We can mark Bob, Mark Bob, Mark Bob,

you know, whoever first, but like you guys go on and off as who's the, who's in favor, who's opposed.

Who's in favor, who's opposed?

I can coin flip each one of them or I can just alternate each one of them Do you guys want more coin flips or do you want marks for marks against marks for marks against because they are being assigned You don't get to decide it feels like something to round robin, but I don't know round robin.

That's one vote.

I think round robin is fine.

So I will flip the first coin to see who's for the first topic and then I was gonna say I want the coin flips, but I think it would that would almost definitely favor mark because I never win a coin flip when I need to.

Oh, come on.

I bet you'll win this one.

I'll bet you win this one.

Bob, do you want heads or tails?

Oh, I get to pick.

That doesn't help my odds.

Heads gets to go first on the first topic.

Tails.

Tails then.

Wait, what?

Yeah, well, that's not how I thought the coin flip was going to work at all.

So, Mark, you are in favor of the first topic.

I'm so, yeah, tails it is.

All right.

So, tails and marks in favor of the first topic.

Or no.

Yeah.

What?

You want to be opposed to it, right?

Heads is in favor.

Mark's.

I want tails to come up.

Okay.

Did I say this in a way that makes any fucking sense?

Okay, I was like, wait a minute.

What did I just say?

Heads, you go first.

Tails, I go first.

I think you declared heads marks for, tails pops against is what you declared.

You just said heads, I win, tails, you lose me.

All right, we're redoing that.

Hold on.

No, no, no, no.

Flip it, flip it.

No, yeah, that's fair.

That's fair.

Whichever side lands is for the first topic.

Okay, so I'm tails in Marcus's heads.

All right, okay.

For the first topic.

So, Mark, you're in favor of this.

Okay.

All right, the statement you guys will be debating, ignorance is bliss.

Mark, you believe this to be true.

So, you're going to be arguing ignorance is bliss.

Bob?

That's the dumbest thing you ever heard.

Ignorance cannot be bliss.

I guess whoever's in favor goes first and the other person counters them.

So, Mark, you're up first.

Tell us why ignorance is bliss.

If only I knew the answer to this question, but I'm so goddamn happy that I couldn't even be bothered to prepare for it.

That's just how happy I am in life, not knowing nothing, not even worrying about technology, not worrying about nothing.

Imagine a person that I could be, that I'm not that right now, where I burdened myself with the knowledge of, let's say, networking and computers and lenses and cameras and all kinds of editing nonsense and software.

Imagine that person, how miserable they is.

Even though everything that they've done has been for the advancement of some lofty goal, all of that doesn't do anything compared to being on a boat, not thinking about a thing, out on the water, letting life roll right over you.

Just smooth waves coming right.

He's not even looking at my joke.

No, don't look.

Don't look.

I had a feeling you were both pandering pandering and insulting me at the same time.

I felt the smack and the hug.

So, like, I knew.

Smooth waves of ignorance rolling over this.

Just, you know, that's what life should be about.

We weren't meant for all of this technology.

We weren't meant for any of it.

We were meant just to escape by not a brain cell fighting another brain cell for any kind of plan.

Leave those boxes unopened.

You don't need to know what's in them.

Bliss.

How many points?

I definitely wrote something down.

My turn?

Yeah, Bob, you're up.

If ignorance really was bliss, calling someone ignorant wouldn't be an insult.

We'd show up and be like, Mark, you look so ignorant today.

Wade, I can't imagine a more ignorant person than you.

That doesn't feel good, does it?

Do you want me to keep calling you ignorant or

is that not a good thing to be?

You tell me.

I don't even feel like I need to make another argument.

I'll just keep insulting you and we'll just see if you believe me or not.

What do you think, you ignorant piece of shit?

Do you like it?

Is it good to be ignorant?

Do you feel blissful, you ignorant sack?

You ignorant, polished, noggin of empty nothingness?

How does it feel to not know anything?

Wait, if it's so good to be ignorant, then you must not care to know what Mark and I both know.

Cause we're not ignorant.

We're informed.

We know the truth.

And we could tell you the truth if you weren't so dead set on being ignorant.

If you weren't so convinced that ignorance was bliss, we could let you in.

But I don't want to burden you with the pain of knowing all the cool shit that Mark and I know about.

You ignorant fuck.

I rest my case.

I'm torn here as to who I give the point to because I felt a lot better when Mark was talking.

Before I knew what Bob would say, I felt happier.

Ignorance was bliss.

And yet...

Is it going to be a callback if we just keep insulting Wade the whole time?

How many times do we need to do it before it becomes a recurring joke?

I thought a callback was just when you insult someone.

I didn't even realize that was something else.

Yeah, I insulted you yesterday and the day before.

I'm just making a joke.

Never stop calling back Wade.

Next topic.

Which I'm in favor of.

You're in favor of this.

You agree with this statement.

We need to blow up the moon.

Mark's got to defend the moon, which is kind of funny.

Mark loves the moon.

Oh, Bob, we got to blow up the moon.

It's self-evident why we do this, but I'll explain it to you anyway.

Why do villains always need to steal the moon?

Why does A.

James McCarthy endlessly photograph the moon?

Why is there such a heated debate about whether we did or did not, in fact, land human people upon the moon?

Why is that guy up there fishing before all of my favorite movies?

Nobody knows.

But the moon is the source of a lot of problems and a lot of controversy.

And I think it would be better for everyone if the moon was just gone.

Plus, tides.

Fucking tides.

They come in, they go out.

Apparently, that's the moon's fault.

What's the moon doing to our fucking oceans right now?

What does the moon have anything to do with whales and shit?

Nothing.

That's what I'm saying.

Plus, moon rocks are valuable.

If we blew up the moon, Earth gets showered with moon rocks.

Endless supply of moon rocks.

Then everyone just has new valuable rocks.

Gold, boring.

Silver, useless.

Platinum,

pretty boring.

Moon rocks is the future.

We're going to have doomsday preppers with basements full of moon rocks so that when everything goes to shit, they're prepared for the new economy.

Because moon rocks never depreciate in value.

There won't be another moon because I won't let that happen.

Okay.

Mark, moon's haunted.

Now I know that seems like in favor of destroying the moon.

Okay.

But we all know all the scariest stories in the world end on the moon.

You kill the moon?

Moon's going to fight back.

I saw his video once on YouTube or TikTok.

YouTube Shorts, actually, the greatest platform for watching any kind of entertainment.

I love watching my movies in six-second chunks.

And I actually have just about watched the entirety of Deadpool and Wolverine on YouTube Shorts.

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter.

The point is, there was a video on YouTube Shorts about a moon that grew a mouth, came to life, and ate Earth.

And I know this really sounds like we should blow up the moon.

I saw that the other day.

I didn't watch it, but I saw that.

See, see, see?

We can't mess with the moon.

It would be hubris to think that any of us could claim any kind of ownership or

domination over the moon.

No one can own the moon.

Doesn't matter how many times you photograph it, it doesn't make it yours, and it doesn't make me opposed to it.

I think we need to appease the moon.

We need to make more sacrifices to the moon and make sure the moon stays in its place in dormancy forever.

If we destroy the moon or try to destroy the moon, it will be our doom.

Destroy the moon, spell our doom, destroy the moon.

Slant rhymes are cool.

Destroy the moon, spell our doom.

All right.

I'm just saying I think it'd be easier than Mark thinks it would be I would you what you need you call Bruce Willis Bill Murray for some reason and Aerosmith put them on a rocket ship drill some nuke holes in the moon boom it splits in half and misses Earth completely live Tyler is saved we do need to protect live Tyler at all costs what I remember from that movie why would Tyler be in danger live Tyler we want him to live yeah it's a command

it's the imperative form live Mark.

Ketchup should go on everything.

See, did you give a point?

Who won?

Wait, that's for me to know, and you to find out.

Okay, all right.

I forget, do you like ketchup in real life, Mark?

Yeah, I like ketchup.

So I think ketchup should go on nothing ever.

Yeah, that's fair.

I mean, sure.

I mean, it's basically argues itself.

What more do I need to say?

Ketchup, a condiment, if you didn't know, goes on many things: fish sticks, broccoli, salmon, salmon cakes,

rice.

Keep naming salmon dishes.

Rice cakes.

Rice peel off.

Salmon-flavored rice.

There's endless options.

So why even start lists that you'll list forever?

Save yourself time.

It goes on everything.

Computer problems, ketchup.

Condom?

Condiments.

Put ketchup on that thing before you put it in the other thing.

Ketchup 2028.

Put it in the White House.

Ketchup 2028.

Bob, no ketchup.

I see two paths.

One, society is crumbling because we're not making enough babies.

Condom, condiment, put ketchup on your thing before you put it in the other thing.

I say no.

Ketchup is going to be the end of civilization if we allow it to prevent us from making enough humans to fuel the machine.

Path number two, ketchup.

Ketchup is just filler.

Ketchup is literally just filler.

It's if you're eating something and it's cool and exciting and interesting and good to eat and there's ketchup on it, there's probably also another sauce on it.

And probably what you really wanted was the other sauce.

What's barbecue sauce, if not better ketchup?

Why would you put ketchup and hot sauce?

on something when you could just put hot sauce on it.

Why would you put ketchup on anything when every other sauce in existence already covers the base of it's a sauce and it's tastier than ketchup?

Ketchup is just filler.

Ketchup is the shredded lettuce of condiments.

Nobody needs shredded iceberg lettuce on anything.

McDonald's.

Yeah, I'm talking to you, McDonald's.

Mr.

Donald's here.

Get that off my McChicken.

I don't need that.

I don't need that at all.

You need plain.

I know I could order it plain, but that's annoying.

So I'm just going to eat the lettuce and be mad about it.

It is annoying when I have to order things plain.

Nobody wants lettuce.

Nobody wants ketchup.

Okay, well, I feel like there's bias when the judge is already kind of arguing.

Wade knows what I'm talking about.

Wade knows what I'm talking about.

Mark, I still think you currently have more points, but I agree with Bob.

Don't forget, ketchup is just filler.

It's a waste of space.

Also, end of humanity as we know it.

Pretty strong.

Bob, it is good to ghost people.

Everybody wishes.

that they knew how to throw a pot.

It's not as easy as it seems.

Lots of people think they could just sit down at a wheel and spin out something really cool and make a cool vase or whatever.

Ghosting them,

like the movie ghost, is a great way to spread the joy of pottery.

Ghosting people might come across as a little creepy, but as long as everyone knows on board and as long as you're a good ghost,

you can help beginners turn to novices, turn to hobbyists, turn to expert potters in so much less time and so much less investment than if you tried to teach them without ghosting.

Patrick Swayze is a genius.

The man has revolutionized pottery around the world.

Is that the right actor?

God, I hope so.

It's the best pedagogical tool invented since Socrates talked a lot.

And I dare you to challenge me on that assertion.

There's some images of Patrick Swayze helping some lady make pottery.

He was the guy in ghost, right?

That was yeah, that was a Swayze role.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

Ghosting is good.

I wish somebody would ghost me.

Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore.

They made some pottery.

Markiplier here.

President and founder of Gustop.

Ghosts stop touching our pots.

It is sexual harassment.

There are 37 pending lawsuits all the way up to the District of Columbia that are going to

find these ghosts to be nothing but perverts.

People could either go to heaven or hell, but people choose to stay in purgatory so that they can find their local pottery studio and harass them.

They don't want help.

They're there to learn from the living teachers.

They don't need ghost teachers.

If you need ghost teachers to help you with your pottery, that is unnatural.

And honestly, you shouldn't win any competitions and nobody should buy it.

And I hope all your glazes turn sour.

Oh, damn.

I could really go for a sour glaze.

Is Krispy Kreme open?

I want a sour glazy.

I didn't know about all these ghost pottery sexual lawsuits.

There are 38 of them.

All the way up to the District of Columbia.

I don't know why the District of Columbia is at the top when it's not even an actual state, but whatever.

I didn't say it was at the top.

I said it was all the way up to.

You said all the way up to.

Incline that you climb up to it.

Yeah, there's more above it, but we're climbing.

Oh, which states are above the District of Columbia?

That's what I want to know.

A lot, but we're climbing.

We went Puerto Rico, District of Columbia.

So these lawsuits haven't even made it out of the dregs of the states.

Oh, Mark, this is an easy one for you.

Oh, boy.

Do you want a harder one?

I can give you a harder one.

Yeah, give him a hard one.

Yeah, give me a hard one.

Yeah.

Well, I'll save that one for later then.

Privacy should never have been a thing, Mark.

Okay, I actually believe this.

No, I don't know.

But that's a convincing way to start it, right?

Drop your address right now, Tony Stark.

That's a strong argument.

I actually believe this one.

All right.

Listen, anonymity is

a problem.

If people can just say whatever they want online without having their face present to punch, then all social norms that have been well established through our history as humanity just go out the window.

When someone goes out in the middle of the town square and starts cursing out yada yada for doing woody woody, then if they're wrong or offensive, then you should punch them.

Punch people is what I'm really saying here.

Privacy schmrivacy.

This is a separate, that's like a tangential.

My organization is more about the punching of people.

But privacy is a part of it over there.

We got to know who we're going to punch before we punch them.

So I say privacy should be out the window so we know exactly who we're going to punch and they'll know who's doing the punching.

So long as everyone knows who's punching who, then we can all get along as a society, and society will progress a lot further if we can just punch the people that we know are going to be punched.

Okay, I've actually started developing this piece of technology that's actually like it's a box, and you mail it to someone and

they open it up and they unwrap it and it's a big boxing glove on a spring.

Oh, it's like the exploding glitter things, but punches instead.

You get puncher bombed.

We're fucking

didn't help you that you didn't even look like you believed that you said that.

I want that reaction as a gift.

Just did you get puncher bomb?

Couldn't even tell you what face I made, but I make that my own jokes a lot.

Bob,

you love privacy.

Even more than privacy, I love punching people in the face.

My opponent would lead you to believe that you need to know a person's name, address, and social security number in order to punch them right between their stupid eyes.

And I'm here to tell you, that's not necessary.

It's actually more fun to punch strangers.

If you punch your mom, that's not good.

That's not good at all.

You have to deal with the fallout from that.

She'll remember.

She knows you punched her because she knows who you are.

If you punch a stranger you've never seen before and you'll never see again, not only do you get the pure

unadulterated joy, pure uncut punching of someone in the face, you then have no fallout whatsoever to deal with.

If you know who they are, are, they can sue you.

Speaking of suing, this guy, he's called Punching Anonymous.

I'm called Punching Anonymous because I'm punching anonymous people.

He wants to take the name, and we're taking this all the way through the Supreme Court of Puerto Rico, and we're going to climb that ladder of lawsuits, and we're getting that name.

You don't get to keep that name.

Punching Anonymous makes more sense if it's people that know who they're punching because we're punching the anonymous people.

Get him out of here.

I think he just made my case for me.

No, no, I'm saying I'm going to get that name from you.

I haven't gotten it yet, but I'm going to get it.

So that you can enjoy punching anonymous people?

So that privacy can be restored in the realm of face punches?

We're punching an anonymity out of this world.

Punch that anonymous out of here.

Not even worried about it because I've decided in the name of privacy I don't even want a name for my company.

It's a secret society.

It's an unknown organization of individuals whose names shall not be known.

There's no address.

There's no business name.

There's no anything.

We don't pay government fees.

We barely even technically exist.

But we are a society and we live in a society.

And I want that society to be anonymous and full of broken noses.

I rest my fist.

Join the.

Fuck, never mind.

You all right, bud?

Yep.

You tired from contributing so much to this?

It's been difficult for me today.

We started off with so many booze and insults, I've just lost all my confidence as this episode's gone on.

Bob, you're going first you want the easy one or the hard one hard one

we should all work more hours than we already do if you're in your house and you're not actively shoving food down your food hole or sleeping in your bed of sadness i don't know why you're there what are you going to watch tv what are you going to have a hobby those don't make you money What is that adding to your life?

Were you going to talk to your wife or children?

They don't pay you for your time you know who does the one who takes care of you work

work pays you for your time because they understand how valuable you are as a person they understand that you bring x amount of dollars in and they pay you x amount of dollars for that service whether those numbers are close together or far apart work knows how much you're worth almost down to the penny and they know how much they can get away with paying you because they love you.

They're here to support you.

And I just can't imagine a good reason why you would want to spend any time that you didn't absolutely have to away from your job.

Heck, if they'll let you, you could just sleep and eat at work.

They won't pay you for that.

Don't get it mixed up.

But then you don't have commute times.

Then you don't have to, you know, check in, check out.

You have to go through the metal detectors and full body cavity searches to make sure you're not stealing merchandise or bringing unauthorized things into the warehouse.

You could just live at work 24/7,

take care of yourself over in the corner, pee, pee in the other corner, do your business, get back to work, because they'll pay you for it.

And if you're not getting paid, why are you doing that?

I mean, I like those things.

Mark, we should work less.

We should work less hours specifically.

Hi, I'm Mark Applier, CEO of Mine.

Minutes are all you really need.

I wrote a book, The One Minute Life, and you don't need to work any hours at all because Pomodoro was a bitch, if that was a person at all.

And I don't even know if it was.

I think it means tomato or something.

It's a sauce.

I'm saying you don't need to work an hour of your life.

You can get everything done in a minute.

Why don't you milk that boss for all he's worth by squeezing every single action into a minute interval or less?

Not less, minutes only.

And make sure that you can get your entire day done in 59 minutes.

You don't even need to do anything for over an hour.

You don't, you, you can get your, you, meal, minute.

You only eat minute rice, sex, minute.

That's already going to happen.

Listen, you can time your life down to the second, or you can time your life down to the minute with my self-help book.

Only 13 payments of 629.

Oh, only 13.

For the amount of time you save, that's actually a pretty good deal.

Call in the next 59 minutes, and I'll throw in a picture of my

What's the number?

We got time for one or two more.

Mark,

time travel should be banned.

Never allow it.

I actually believe this one.

So

great.

That'll be easy for you then.

Hi, Mark and Blyer here, CEO of Top

Pose.

Time travelers are a plague on our society!

Nothing is worse than those egotistical fucks that think that they can go into the past no better than what the time-space continuum already plotted out for us in the first place.

Not only will it cause paradoxes, you'll end up having sex with your own grandmother, and then you'll be the reason that you were born.

And that doesn't make any good for anybody in the world.

So why don't you just leave the time the way that it should be only going forward, and maybe it's going backwards?

That's a mystery for another person to solve for another day.

Does that mean life is deterministic and you shouldn't do anything about it?

Maybe, maybe, not for us to consider.

You start going back in time, killing Hitler.

You created super Hitler.

Maybe that's Hitler.

Maybe he survives and then gets a grudge about time travel, and then suddenly you're the cause of all the problem for everyone in the world.

Amen.

Uh,

Bob.

Not only should time travel not be banned, it should be encouraged.

Guru Rob here to tell you that not only is time travel great benefit to you and yours, it will change your life.

If you come to the Help Center, I will personally give you an assessment to see where you're starting from and how far your potential has to grow in the skills of time traveling.

Most people have no idea.

Most people start at the bottom and stay at the bottom because they don't know what's possible.

But I can tell you, I have ascended.

And for only a small investment of time and energy and some fees, you can follow me up the ladder of time travel enlightenment.

It's not just a way to go and visit Hitler and whatever, have a fun time.

It's a way to change your life.

It's a way to revolutionize existence.

It's a way to find people you didn't even know existed and turn them into your time travel buddies.

And then once you get them in, you get a share of their fees.

And then once they get three friends each to become their time travel buddies,

it just grows like a family from the top down.

All you have to do is come to the help center.

I'll give you an assessment for a small fee.

I'll give you your time crystals, which you just wear around your neck while you do your daily practices.

And if you follow my easy 98-step program, you can ascend from level one, time slob, all the way up to where I exist at level 99.

Time ward.

There are a lot of levels, and there's a lot of work to do on yourself.

But if you get in here today, I'm sure we can get you to wherever you want to go.

Or should you say, whenever you want to go.

Oh,

this guy times.

Just because Mark seemed regretful, I gave you a mark aid point, Bob.

You got a Mark Aid point for that too?

Show me your crystals.

Show me your crystals.

I don't have any crystals.

I don't have any crystals.

Oh, I don't believe you.

It calls them lenses.

I could sense your time aura from here.

It's outrageous.

Thank you.

Really?

You can feel it?

If you work with me for even a few weeks, we'll have you zipping whenever you want to go, anytime, day or night.

My God,

this would really work on people, wouldn't it?

Yes.

Your time aura is outrageous.

Even I felt good when you said that.

Maybe it is.

This is a cult.

Who wants to join?

Let us know in the subreddit.

Not only is it a cult, but it's a pyramid scheme.

It's the best of both worlds.

Double negative is a positive.

Is this a tactic that if you have you taken personal training?

I have a feeling that in personal training, do they all just say this thing where they're like, after you've done a session or two, they're like, wow, you have really, you listen to what I'm saying and you're able to translate it really well in your body.

And when they said it to me, I was like, oh man, I've got really good coordination.

I can do what you say.

Or is that just something that they all say and it just makes you feel good?

No, it's a tactic.

It depends.

It depends on your perspective, right?

A teacher would tell you that that is a reinforcement tactic, right?

You acknowledge a success in a way that gives credit and also gives affirmation, which is very uplifting to a person.

A scam artist would tell you it's a manipulation tactic where you create value.

and you create a sense of self-like accomplishment and self-worth in a position where it doesn't matter if if there is or isn't any for the purpose of gaining that person's confidence or getting them to trust you on the next step of whatever the scheme is so that they continue to participate or buy in or whatever.

It depends where it's coming from, but it is an actual tactic that people use in lots of contexts.

But my time aura is really huge.

It's almost too much.

Come on, man.

I've never met someone whose time aura rivaled my own.

We need to stay out of the same room just for everyone else's safety.

Oh, no, we could be in the same room, man.

Come on.

I mean, it would have to be a big room.

You're right.

Of course.

Yeah.

We could make that happen.

I'm on his side.

I'm on his side.

Screw my organization.

Don't even get me started on your chronologism.

I can feel it coming through the call.

It's impeccable.

I can tell that you know when it is, but also where it is, and you will continue to know that down to the millisecond.

I mean, I always did think I had like extra, that's why I founded this organization because I feel like I have resonance with the time travelers.

So maybe I'm.

Have you ever looked at a clock and made it continue to tick in perfect time?

Yes, yes, yes, I have.

Yeah, that's, that's you resonating with the, the celestial time frequencies.

You just naturally have that.

And sometimes I feel like when I look at a clock, it'll like stop for a second and then go.

You feel like it.

It looks back at you.

That's the universe seeing you and acknowledging you.

I always suspected this.

I wrote in my journal when I was a child that I thought that I was actually the result of a time traveler.

It's almost improbable that that's not the case because someone with such time aura has to come by it somehow.

Like that, that would make more sense to me if that's your origin story, you know?

I'm a hero.

Yeah, basically.

I don't know what the hell I just witnessed, but it was beautiful.

How many points did we get for that?

I wrote some stuff down.

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So I was going to do, I can do one more because I think Mark went first.

So I was going to do one more so Bob would go first the same amount of times.

You want to do one more?

I don't know if we can end on a better one.

With time,

who really goes first?

We don't really know.

Bob,

college, waste of money.

As my life coach, mentor, and personal hero has said time and time again, it's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.

Mike Rowe knows the truth, and he's been trying to tell us all for years.

College is not for everyone.

College is probably a waste of your time and money.

You could be spending that time scooping shit out of ditches or scooping shit out of tanks or scooping shit into tanks.

There's lots of shit, and there's not enough scoopers scooping it into and out of the places it needs scooped.

There's an infinite number of shit jobs.

Do you know how many people and animals generate shit?

Do you know how much shit cows alone generate?

It's unbelievable.

You would not believe it.

It's unfathomable.

Inconceivable.

The amount of shit that needs to be scooped.

And I'm just saying, you don't need a college disease?

You don't need the college disease to go scoop shit.

They'll let you do that for nothing.

They won't even train you.

They won't even give you personal protection equipment.

They'll give you a shovel and some sneakers and say, the shit's over there.

We want it to be over here.

Go nuts.

That's how you should spend your time.

College is for nerds who think that knowledge is cool and grad students who are hiding from the real world.

And that's it.

If you want to be a real human being and contribute to this society, go shovel some shit from one ditch into another ditch or wherever the boss tells you because it needs to get shuffled.

And it doesn't matter where, you can do it.

Well said, Mark.

It wasn't that well said.

My shit aura is outrageous.

He couldn't even, he couldn't even form those sentences together.

I lost track because I've taken many a public speaking course at my many universities.

You can't see them there off camera, but all of my walls are covered in all of my degrees.

And let me tell you, I am in crippling debt for the rest of my existence, but I have paper.

Paper after paper after paper saying that I mean something while he's covered in shit and poop and other kinds of detritus extram excrement.

Detritus?

Is that the word you're going for?

That's what I said.

And you don't have any papers to prove that I didn't.

Yeah, it is a college word.

And let me tell you, I went to college because I watched watched the Animal House.

And just because I didn't get laid in college, and just because I didn't go to all those parties because I wasn't invited, doesn't mean I didn't try.

And trying is all what college is about.

And while you can be spending the equivalent of about $200 an hour while you're in those classes, you get more than that money in the self-worth that you have inside your soul.

And if you don't believe it when you look at yourself in the mirror, you're going to believe it when you look at all those papers.

That's what really matters.

The papers that say that you accomplished something with your name on them in really fancy cursive and someone signature that I don't know that never met me because they didn't have time, even though I put my name down on their list to have office hours, but they didn't

call me in.

I don't want to make your point for you, but I don't even know how to write my name in cursive.

I would kill for a piece of paper with my name in cursive on it.

Well, admittedly, and I don't know how to write cursive.

They didn't teach that in college.

All right, so I got to give you a Bob aid point because I Bob aided your point there.

Well said, boys, I wrote down a lot.

I'm sure it's all very legible.

I can go through either of your points first.

I see two paths.

Either Mark or Bob.

I will read the points for first.

There's a third path.

You can read them alternatively and really confuse everyone.

I can try, but I've got points written in three different spots because I ran out of space.

So that would be awful.

You know what?

I'm going to go with the fourth path.

I'll start with me.

Minus one point for coin flip idiot.

I don't remember what that means, but I wrote it down at some point.

It's because you tried to explain the coin flip and you made it.

Heads, Mark wins, tails, Bob loses.

Uh, Bob, we'll go with your points first for no reason.

When you say it like that, it really seems suspicious.

I was just very convincing.

He was being convincing.

I wrote down boo and insult.

Uh, you have six points combined with those two things.

I've got three boos, three insults, just so you know.

So close, corn sweat, corn ends happiness, clean man,

lens security, meh, moon economy, McCarthy moon, Ignorant hurt me.

W.

Catch up none.

Interpret something glue.

Gloose.

Gloo stog interpret.

What the fuck is that?

Ghost me?

Ghosting interpretation.

Oh, yeah.

Ghosting.

Right.

You interpreted that in a way I didn't expect.

Work Korig.

Work Korig.

Pottery.

Patrick Swayze.

Live for Work.

The Train Enlightenment.

Time Enlightenment?

Yeah, maybe that's what it was.

Oh, yeah.

Guru Rob.

That's me.

Oh, you got aid from Mark.

So Mark aid.

Pyramid Scheme.

Mark joined your club.

He joined your guru ring.

Well, with a time war like his, we had to have him.

Yeah.

Mike Rowe.

Shit.

College something.

College W.

Bob, you got a total of...

You got a lot of straight W's in there.

I think you have 33 points.

Jesus Christ.

33.

Wait over here trying to set a new record to get that thing on the wheel or whatever.

Mark, I wrote down coward and insult me.

You got six points for those.

Two for coward, four for insulting me.

You got points for wheel sucked.

Got his oh, got his wheel.

Wheel sucked.

Black magic mark.

Apocalyptic optimism.

Come point.

Immature thrusting.

Lens gun.

Boat.

Moon with mouth.

moon is hammered.

No, that's not what that says.

Moon is haunted.

Moon W.

Anonymous, bad, punch, you were punchy, punch, ghost lawsuit, markiplier name drop, ghost, w catch-up dick, another lawsuit here, mairn,

yep,

elmon,

I don't know what that says.

It looks like L-M-I-E-M-O-N.

I have no idea what Olmimon is, but I wrote it down.

Those weren't my acronyms at all.

No, but Mairn, M-A-A-Y-R-N.

And then I've got Tata Poos.

Tatapoos.

Leave time alone.

I'm serious.

Debt.

Time travel.

Many

Desras.

Many Desras.

Many Desras.

Self-worth.

Bob Aid.

I think that's it.

So let's see.

You got 36.

Geez.

It's 36 to 33 right now.

All right.

It's impossible.

Well, three would tie it.

That's just not even true.

Well, watch this.

All I need is one, baby.

Good that I said that.

There still are a couple of ways.

Yeah,

there's a couple ways this goes.

We're going to do one bonus spin for anyone who's not watching.

Let me start giving my winner speech as it's spinning, just so you all know.

Okay, what bonus point are you adding, Wynn?

Minus one to whoever started lower.

Wait, what?

A lot of these help whoever's lower catch up.

This is a way to hurt whoever's at the lower amount of points.

Oh, okay.

Lowest points loses one.

Ah, I see.

I see.

I was going to say minus one to current loser.

One spin.

Come on, golf rules.

What do we got?

What do we got?

We got most angry.

Most angry.

Don't even matter who gets it.

Really doesn't.

Bob was booing me a lot and insulting me a lot so i'll give it to bob yay i'm saved mark you win 3634 winner speech oh oh yes i meant to be giving it while i was supposed to spin i'm a success because of all the hats that i wear all the companies that i form even if they go bankrupt almost immediately after formation some of them make it far in the world of their lawsuits.

And I am still going to progress in all of my lawsuits against Bob.

I don't care if he's a loser of this episode.

I'm I'm going to win not only here, I'm going to win in court.

Thank you everyone that believe it in me.

Bob, loser speech.

I used to wear hats.

I don't wear hats anymore.

I didn't realize that was such a key to this.

I thought, I just,

my head gets hot and I was like,

I'm fine.

I found a better haircut that I like so I don't have to wear the hat so much.

I really want to start my time cult.

Get ready for a lot more of Guru Rob and a lot less of boring old hatless Bob.

I don't think Guru guru rob wears hats but i think that's more of an aesthetic choice than anything else but he'll wear metaphorical hats and uh once we get a few big time auras locked in i think we're really going to be going places or going times

if i drop the lawsuits can i climb a few ranks like in that how many how many ranks would you oh that's worth like 12 13 ranks of ascension by itself.

Like I said, there's 99, right?

And so it's, it's a big scale, but that's that's a chunk right there.

I'll even waive the fees if you drop the lawsuits because that's probably like 1.3, 1.4 million in total fees to ascend that many rungs.

But you deserve it.

Holy shit, that's quite a discount.

Yeah, I'll dropped immediately.

You deserve it.

Holy shit, dropped.

Yeah.

Guru Rob's feeling better about everything now.

So if I pay you $4 million,

that would give me up another 12 or is it like diminishing?

It scales a little, but 4 million is probably worth another 15 easy.

That's more than the lossers dropped.

I'll buy.

I'll give it to you.

What's your banking account information?

Say it out loud.

Seven.

No privacy.

Wait.

I like privacy.

Oh, this is complicated.

Having all these opinions is hard.

I give up.

I'll just lose.

Ignorance is bliss.

Wait.

No, it's not.

You ignorant fuck.

As far as cults, I already had one.

It was cult of wade.

Abbreviated cow.

I guess now we can have cult of distractibles.

We can have cod.

We can have the cod and the cow.

I guess we don't need Kool-Aid.

We can just have some steak and fish.

We'll just poison that or something, I guess.

Tymade.

It's actually just lime aid with a T instead of an L, but it's delicious.

It's made with tomatoes.

Yeah.

Made with turnips.

It's really good.

Nope.

We're out.

You can follow Mark and Martin Flyer, Bob, and Meisker.

Me at Minion 77 or Lord Minion 777.

We avoid turnips here.

The other thing against turnips was

a new thing.

He has a whole thing about turnips.

I don't even understand it.

I had to do

in my streams, I did a redeem where I had had to make I'd like eat a turnip if I something.

I don't remember what happened.

So, I made turnip french fries.

I made french fries out of turnips.

They're really not that bad, they're really not that good.

It was the texture was wrong, the flavor was wrong.

I think you probably cooked them wrong, is my guess because they're really fine.

Salt and ketchup, they were still terrible.

Not a fan.

Turnip fries, complete waste, just like turnips.

Mark will be hosting, so stay tuned for that.

Until then, podcast.