Oregon Trail

This episode of Distractible is presented by Vitamin Water.

Some drinks are fun, some are functional, but vitamin Water said, why not both?

There is nothing more refreshing than like a nice vitamin water, ice-cold sip in the heat.

I only drink zero-sugar drinks, so of course, I'm a fan of the zero-sugar rehydrate pineapple passion fruit.

I'm a big pineapple guy.

Pineapple good.

Born in New York City, built for people who work hard and play hard.

Grab a vitamin water today, copyright 2025, Glasso.

Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Glasso.

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible.

This episode, Valneil Bob is sanguine about small talk, deems waterfalls worthless, and sends a guys on a sojourn.

Wagoneer Wade trades his nips for knackers, negates Niagara, and suggests Huntinghead.

Magenta Mark does disco, tantalizes with Twilight, extols ecology, collects castrated bulls, measly meals, and defeats death.

From sunbathing sphincters to smashing scores.

Yes!

It's time for

Oregon Trail.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hello and welcome back to another episode of the World's Purplest Podcast.

That's right, I'm really holding down the fort here.

You other two losers in your totally normal, neutral-looking color scapes got nothing on how brightly colored and purple my shit is.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Holy Christ.

Hold on.

That's not right.

The Stargate's not stable, Mark.

You're gonna have to shut it down.

Hold.

Oh,

oh,

ready for it?

I'm sorry.

Are you tuned into the world's most purple podcast?

Look, purple!

Oh, no, he's colorblind.

All right, well, I guess this is it now.

I don't know.

Oh, Mark, you look great.

Thanks.

You look like that girl from Willy Wonka.

I'm the purple Hulk.

Listeners, you don't know what you're missing right now.

Mark looks like he's in the most uncomfortable tanning bed I've ever seen.

For all I know, that is probably blasting me with ultraviolet.

God, I hope so.

It's like sunbathing your butthole, except with ultraviolet.

Oh, Mark, show your butthole to the light.

You can do it.

Anyway, this is a podcast.

Welcome back.

This is distractible.

If you are confused what you're listening to, yes, it is actually distractible.

And I'm your host, Bob, because I won the last one.

The two other guys you've heard already are Mark and Wade.

They're competing because whoever wins hosts the next one.

That's the rules of the game.

And there's no other rules except for the the Constitution, which we follow just as strictly as the United States Supreme Court follows the American Constitution.

That clip came across my social media kid where I forget what you were ranting about, but you just hit it with the old bamba da, bampa, except in Italian.

It's the same episode as Adios Mio, but Italian.

I don't remember.

It's

such a classic moment.

I bet it was.

Can I get something besides purple?

Yeah, you can.

We're still.

Ooh.

Whoa.

Now Mark's in a brothel.

Now you can develop your photos while we.

Oh, yeah.

That's also what darkrooms look like.

That guy, he likes lenses.

That makes sense.

This is safe for all my film, I'm sure.

Yeah, it's probably fine.

It's so bright.

I have to squint when I'm looking around.

That is how bright it is.

It looks unpleasantly bright.

I have to give it to you.

My eyes are kind of watering.

You can turn that down, man.

That's okay.

Why?

Why would I do that?

I mean, do whatever you want.

There's no point on the wheel for having close to Bob's lighting.

Oh, okay.

All right.

I'm going to try.

Wait, I got effects here.

I can have

faulty bulb.

Oh, strobe it, baby.

All right, so this is faulty.

Oh, oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, now we need a flash warning on this one.

Yeah, no, editors, put the warning.

Holy fuck.

Oh, my God.

Looks like someone's trying to torture you.

Okay, wait, here's explosion.

All right, you're ready for explosion.

Explosion?

Oh, no.

I don't know how to start it.

What if it just actually explodes?

Does it just randomly explode once you turn it on and put it in that mode?

I don't know.

It's not exploding.

Explode, damn it.

What if it just makes the actual light actually explode?

Maybe that's more dangerous than it seems.

That's what I was expecting.

There's got to be a button that does it, right?

No, I don't know.

Explode, damn it.

Listeners, it exploded right in Mark's face.

Are you saying it was bad that your eyeballs were six inches from the quote-unquote explosion?

No.

Boom.

Boom.

That looked a lot brighter that time when your face wasn't blocking it.

Jeez.

Pretty nice, right?

Welcome to a definitely not visual episode of watching Mark play with his life.

It didn't physically explode you, but that definitely undid a little bit of your LASIC surgery.

Said that unlasered something that's going to really cause problems in eight to ten years.

Yeah, the last is I could just keep it paparazzi and so, you know, which is the same as the faulty vault.

It's just off more instead of on more.

All right, I'm going back to whatever the hell is that.

Do you have random lightning strikes that you can just leave on?

And then every time the editors just put thunder in every time they catch it?

I mean, I could, but I feel like I would start to die.

Oh, nope, not.

That's the fucking brightest light.

What the hell?

Yeah, I know, right?

It's a two-foot by two-foot square square over here.

I don't remember what it was before, but I think it was like

pretty close to it.

Whatever.

You look about right.

You look pretty good.

I think that was so bright.

I could see the paint color of your wall before it was repainted.

Anyway, that was fun.

How much time did that kill?

Was that my small talk?

Are we done with this episode yet?

I was playing with my lights for hours.

That's allowed to be your small talk, buddy.

That's okay.

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'll stop stealing the show now.

We all enjoyed it.

We were like five-year-olds watching a toy light up again.

We do usually do small talk.

Mark's small talk is seizure warning.

Wade, what's up with you?

I had the weirdest dream last night.

Literally, before we started rolling, I was like, I don't know if I should tell this story.

It was like a nightmare of, I don't know, I dreamed that my body was like changing in a very specifically weird way.

My chest

on each side became a dick and balls.

But like, it wasn't comedic.

It was like i had to some kind of medicine caused like this transformation and i had to go find a surgeon who could fix me because i just had like squidward nosed dick and balls instead of my chest wasn't super obvious through a shirt but like you could definitely tell and it sounds really silly stupid and funny out loud but it was actually like a very not comfortable dream

This was just, this was literally last night.

I told Molly this dream when I woke up.

Don't feel embarrassed.

I think we've all had that dream.

I mean, I've never had that dream, but I'm sure many other people have.

Oh, me neither.

Yeah.

I'm just mean, like, someone listening to this definitely had that dream.

For sure, for sure.

It was actually really freaky because it's like, that's not where they're supposed to be.

No, you're right about that.

That's not where those go.

Give this man an A in anatomy.

I was going to be picked on and bullied.

Is that the whole dream?

Did anything else happen?

Or was it just like, you had that life now?

Most of the dream, it was flashing between like going to see different doctors to see what we could do and they were all like perplexed they're like well based on this if we try to remove this it could cause complications because the connections through your body are like i don't know it was like weird dream science that made sense at the time but like you wake up and it's like they didn't actually say anything it was just it was implied in my head during the dream that like uh shaking of the head meant this

that was most of the dream most of the dream was trying to find the right doctor and then my alarm went off and i swear to you the first thing i did was feel my chest.

I was like, oh, thank God.

That reminds me of something.

Editor, censor this.

Have you guys heard of it?

Have you guys heard of?

Don't look it up.

Editor, please.

Dear God, censor every word that I'm saying except for these words right here.

This is something that was like on

a while ago.

It's just.

But I saw one, and that was enough.

And that scarred me for a very long time.

So, Wade, that's what I'm picturing.

I'm not Googling that, no matter how much you tell me not to.

So, thank you.

I'm also not, I'm not dicking, I'm not dicking that either.

You're not digging that.

I'm not dicking that either.

Nope, you dicking this, maybe.

That's some of the most out-of-pocket uh small talk I feel like we've had in a minute.

You guys got some crazy stuff going on, huh?

It's certainly stuff.

You want good small talk, like real brief, good stuff?

No, no, it doesn't have to be good.

No, that's not, that's not a requirement.

That's fine.

I mean, if you have some, you're welcome to share it but uh no no no i'll say i'll save it for different episodes i don't have much in my life and i need this one thing to hold on to for the future i believe that i'm trying desperately to think of anything that's happened in my life but i've just been so tired i'm not gonna lie and that feels terrible to say in front of mark because i know like

Are you still doing all-nighters?

Are you still trapped in that?

No, no, no.

God, no.

I started to almost get shingles again, so I was like, I should probably not do that.

I'm not doing that, but I've just been so tired.

Mark had like a week and a half of rough sleep.

You've been a dad for like two years.

I think you win.

That is true.

Yeah.

It's not a competition, but like Mark loses.

James is fun, except for the biting.

He's a little bitey.

Comes and goes.

He'll be fine.

I sleep a lot.

Sleep great.

Yeah, I've kind of been prioritizing it.

I've been trying to make sure that I get good sleep and that that is important.

Everyone get good sleep out there.

But at the same time, you know, it was kind of refreshing pulling all night.

There is a time of day that I love that I had to look up what the name was because i i thought in my head it was uh i i got up this morning and it was like 5 a.m um i know i just said i was trying to get good sleep but i had to get up early this morning but it's 5 a.m and i go outside and it's overcast and there's yeah the sun isn't over the horizon yet so it's just you know just a little but because of the clouds it's like everything's this like gray blue you know like steel blue color and it's real quiet before even the birds are starting to go and i had to look it up because in my head i was like is this twilight?

No, it can't be twilight.

This is, this isn't what twilight is.

And I looked it up.

That actually is what twilight is, which is like when the sun is below the horizon, but still casting light.

There's three different twilights.

I forget what the other two are, but the one in the morning is civil twilight, I think.

Oh, I might be confusing them.

But civil twilight is like just before

the sun rises on like that kind of cloudy overcast day where it's not like a beautiful sunrise.

I think.

In the evening, you get uncivil twilight.

These distinctions don't make any fucking sense to me.

How is there a third twilight?

There's civil twilight, nautical twilight, and astronomical twilight.

They're not as unrelated as they sound.

Civil twilight is when the sun is between zero and six degrees below the horizon.

Nautical twilight is six to twelve degrees, and astronomical twilight is the darkest kind of twilight right before it's actually just dark, 12 to 18 degrees below the horizon.

So the twilight hours are my favorite, but specifically in the morning.

Like, it's such a beautiful time.

So I thought it was very refreshing to pull these all-nighters because you'd see times of day or night that you wouldn't ordinarily see.

I think I was probably born to be a night shift person, but I had the upbringing of a military man, and therefore I am a 6 a.m.

waker, but I rebel against that.

I think, in all honesty, I should be a third shift kind of person, but I'm just not.

Like, staying up all night?

Yeah, exactly.

And then going to bed at like 4 or 5 in the morning?

No,

you'll miss the twilight.

No, no, no.

Go to bed at 5.30 in the morning.

Like 6, 7, 8, 9 a.m.

10, 11, 12.

That's naughty.

That's like naughty hours to be awake.

Nautical twilight.

Naughty Twilight.

Oh, is that what that means?

Yeah.

Naughty Twilight.

You got naughty dusk and you got naughty twilight.

And then you got astronaughty.

Is that why they're called that?

Hell yeah, probably.

God, I'm learning so much from you guys right now.

Yeah, that's what we're all about here.

This is a learning podcast.

People come to us because of our expertise and our accumulated knowledge.

The years of wisdom weigh heavy on us.

The more you know, less copyrighted, the more you know.

Just by saying less copyrighted, it's like

the logo will be a little bit less on brands, it'll be less copyrighted the second time.

Oh,

when you're slightly more knowledgeable,

When you gain some insight.

Don't sue us, Reading Rainbow, or whoever that was that had that.

I don't think that they're the most litigious, but you know, since PBS funding got cut, maybe.

Now they're coming.

Now they need it.

Reading Rainbow's had fun in hard times.

They need it real bad.

Cut the Reading Rainbow, lean it against a brick wall with a paper bag.

Mr.

Rainbow, no.

I'll pay you back.

Mr.

Rainbow is my father.

Times have changed.

I was just going to ask what we were talking about, but we weren't, I guess we were talking about Twilight.

Yeah, a little bit.

Yeah.

I do like that.

This is not a thing that I feel like I could get away with anymore because it feels weird and creepy.

But when I was, when we were in college, do you ever just like walk around campus in the middle of the night?

Like I pulled it all nighter and at like four in the morning, I'd be like, I'm just going to get some fresh air and go walk around campus and like sit in the football stadium at UC and just be like,

it's four in the morning.

That's good.

No, it is good, though.

It is.

How many times in life do you really have that where you've worked so hard and you, you just like, are just at this time?

Because 4 a.m.

is a beautiful time, 3-4,

because very few people are awake.

Nothing's really moving.

Definitely nothing's open besides like the donut shops and they're still making the donuts.

You know, it's just such a quiet moment.

And I, I'm such a solitary person that I'm like, I'm not meant for the cities and yet I live in one of the biggest.

It's It's like, I just need to need the quiet.

I love the middle of the night.

Even before the sun starts to come up, just going out in the middle of the night, like a summer night where like the dew is on the grass and you just hear like the insects in the trees and stuff.

Occasional creepy scurrying from like a raccoon or something, but like no, no road traffic or anything.

It's just the insects and the night.

I don't know, the night sound.

But it's different.

Like the midnight one is different than like you said, like two or three in the morning.

Yeah, because even the bugs are asleep.

Like the bugs actually do get quiet at night, they start to shut down.

Well, and there's just a relatively short window because people are out working like late shifts until like people work at bars and they work.

Some factories run until late in the night.

There's a sweet spot between after work, but before the early douchebags were out on the road at five in the morning, where it's like, even in the heart of a city, you get a little bit of like quiet.

What's that?

What's that word?

Solitude is not the right word.

Peacefulness.

Solipsism.

Solipsism.

That's probably it.

You know, a really cool example.

My grandparents had a cabin down on Lake Cumberland.

And I remember a night we stayed out on the pontoon overnight and we woke up really early.

It was actually kind of fucking freezing.

But when we woke up, there was no other boats out on the water that were moving.

There was no like, even the river was asleep.

So like we stood up and looked out on the water and it's like we were in the middle of this lake.

And it was like looking at glass because the water was so still, completely still.

And this is a very busy popular like area right because cumberland's big and everyone goes down there to vacation but seeing the water still as glass was really cool you know that that kind of thing is something that i think everyone can agree with there's some people that might be like i prefer city and people but almost everyone can appreciate the beauty and serenity that is in nature.

And that's why I always am flabbergasted by the political divide of like environmentalism.

It's like protecting that landscape is sometimes a hot button issue.

But this isn't even about politics.

I'm not even talking politics.

Like everyone wants that.

The people that want to go fishing, you know, and want to go hiking and want to go.

There's so many overlaps where the human experience is just like a naturally now timeout.

Oh, okay.

I'm sorry.

Yes.

That shopping center could be two minutes from my house instead of 10.

You have beautiful nature two minutes from your house?

Well, I did, but now we have three shopping centers instead.

Got a nice highway.

Yeah, put a thoroughfare through there for business.

Yeah, I agree.

I agree.

You're right.

I'm a pretty chill person in general, and it's, it's hard, I will admit, to like slow down enough to appreciate that.

So I don't hold it against people.

If you're not in the place where you're, you're ready to appreciate like a dead still, you know, a glass lake that's like smooth.

It's like five in the morning and it's misty, that's beautiful.

But if you're not in that place, it's really fucking boring.

Like you're sitting there and you're like, I need to be doing something.

Like mentally, I'm in a place where I need to be, I have all this stuff on my my mind.

I need to, I can't relax, whatever.

I get that, but you're right.

Like, I don't understand why it's so even people who struggle to find the like mindset to really appreciate it.

You have to understand that that's a valuable thing, right?

Like, you have to appreciate it.

Sometimes that's a pretty universal human experience, I feel like.

Marveling at nature.

or appreciating a tranquil scene or something.

Like, maybe you don't get a lot of opportunities for it, but I feel like for everyone I've ever talked to that I feel like I know well enough to guess, if you ran through like, so what are your favorite memories of life or whatever, at least some of them are like, oh, this one time we were at this waterfall or, oh, we were on this river and it was like just this crazy scene.

It's because it's beautiful.

It's, it's, it's a pretty universal experience.

I think, I don't know.

Maybe I'm wrong about that.

I think that's why Niagara Falls was so disappointing to me because Niagara Falls, I thought I was going to get that experience.

And then we went there and it was just so built up around it because it's such a tourist destination.

Like, the falls themselves are still beautiful, but like, you can't really see the falls without seeing literally sky spin restaurant and everything else around it.

Not that those places are bad, but like, it wasn't the oh, well, we gotta hike 30 minutes up a trail to actually get to where we can see the falls.

Like, I really wanted to have like that nature experience of getting there, and it's just creeped into it.

Niagara Falls, I see what you're saying, and I've never been there, but I believe you.

I always, I generally have a thing about waterfalls, though.

I feel like that's something, if you had someone to pick out of thin air, they'd be like, oh, I love a beautiful waterfall.

And in pictures, you look and you're like, God, that must be just the most beautiful.

The reality of any waterfall that's more than like a few feet is you go on that long hike up the mountain, you're deep in the woods, and coming into the opening, and you see the waterfall, and you're just like, Boom!

This is a beautiful waterfall.

It's like a constant explosion of all the natural things that exist.

a waterfall has got to be one of the least pleasant.

Holy fuck.

I've never been close to a waterfall and just been able to be like, isn't this beautiful?

It's always like, what?

No.

What?

Let's get away from the waterfall.

I can't fucking hear you.

There's a reason why in a lot of movies, the disaster moment is, oh no, oh, waterfall.

We're gonna die.

Yeah, but still, it's pretty cool.

The majesty of it is nice.

But like, it's beautiful and pictures and stuff, fantastic.

But standing next to a waterfall, fucking hate it.

Yeah, they're better observed from a little bit of a distance.

If you're right next to one, they're a little loud.

Well,

anyway, your point stands.

Niagara Falls sucks.

Take that, New York.

Yeah.

Or Canada.

Yeah, both of them.

Pick who you are.

Just take the American side and get it out of our country.

Get that out.

Get the American side down to El Salvador, Pronto.

It's a deportation joke.

I don't know if it landed.

No, I it just I'm just slow.

It wasn't you.

It was a funny bit.

I just, my brain was like, How would you even do that?

What are you suggesting?

How many airplanes would it take?

My mind immediately thought, I don't know where El Salvador is.

Oh, down there, out of this place.

That's what I'm saying.

I was like, I don't know El Salvador, New York.

It's actually in Quebec, El Salvador, Quebec.

Uh-huh.

Yep.

This episode is brought to you by Hulu.

We've waited 15 years.

15 years is more than half less than half my life.

Ah, God, I'm 36.

I'm old, just like Hank Hill, newly retired, and his wife, Peggy.

They're back.

They returned to their Texas home from the Middle East, and things are different.

One thing's for sure, the alley guys are right where Hank left them.

Same hill new day.

An all-new season of King of the Hill arrives on August 4th, streaming on Hulu on Disney Plus.

You guys want to play a game?

With you, always.

You're going to regret that.

Okay, fuck.

How many easy questions?

How easy.

It's a very original idea.

I just came up with this and I definitely wrote this all out myself.

And I call it Oregon Trail.

Oh, dysentery is coming my way again.

Yeah, well, so we've talked about this before, and I'm going to, I'm going to admit something.

I'm going to be really real with you guys.

I've never actually, factually played Oregon Trail.

It's like a part of my childhood in terms of like how I know about computers and like I've seen it.

I never sat down and actually just played it.

So I have no idea what's going to happen.

So I'm going to be in your wagon and you guys are going to be joint wagon leaders.

And I want you to show me the majesty of the Oregon Trail.

Joint?

Like, we're in the same wagon, or we're side by side, our own wagons.

We're all in one wagon, and you guys are in charge.

Oh, God.

Don't worry, buddy.

We got you.

Okay, how many grandfather clocks are we loading this bad boy up with?

Well,

it's important to know time.

So, like, at least one.

Wait, also, wait.

Who brought up nature?

Wade brought up nature, right?

I brought up nature.

Did Mark bring up nature?

No, he brought up nature.

No, he did bring up nature.

All right, good.

Wade, you get the segue point for nature.

I'll take it.

All right.

Maybe I did bring it up a little bit.

You started with Twilight, but I, yeah.

That's true.

It's very natural.

Natural Twilight, but all right, whatever.

Fine.

Fuck me, man.

Rolling my dice.

Yeah, and have no idols.

Oh, man.

So, real talk, I've not played Oregon Trail since probably I was 10.

I'll give you 10 guesses of how the game goes.

I'm expecting you to get me safely to the end of the oregon trail okay yeah yeah yeah you start in fucking town and you shop

you got limited funds you shop for some shit and then you go there's a lot of caulking some hunting there's an important

first step so you guys are one body two heads so you're just you're the same person because the first choice you have to make is are you a banker from boston a carpenter from oio or a farmer from Illinois?

Do we get to start where that our origin is, or do we all start from Philadelphia?

I don't literally don't know the first thing about how this game works, Mark.

I believe this is classic Oregon Trail, but I that's all I got for you.

It's like, doesn't it start in Philadelphia, or am I wrong about that?

It starts somewhere over in the east.

All I know is it ends in Oregon, I assume.

You'd think.

Anyway, ever heard of the Dahmer Party?

Anyway, you will.

The Oregon Trail officially starts in Independence, Missouri.

Is that where the game starts?

Well, if we played it, we might find that out.

Well, that's like cheating.

You're already halfway there.

Am I?

Where's Missouri?

Isn't that basically one state over from Oregon?

How far could that even be?

That's halfway there.

Yeah.

From where were you starting?

Where were you starting?

That's halfway?

Missouri.

It's in the Midwest.

Middle.

Ohio's Midwest.

Yeah, it's all Midwest.

I think California is Midwest now.

We're all Midwest.

I think California is the only one that's actually West West.

Probably.

Well, what are you?

What do you do, two-headed demon that leads our party?

Carpenter, farmer, or banker?

Those were our three things.

Those are your options.

One of us speaks in money, the other speaks in crops.

We're never gonna have time to grow crops while we're on the road.

Like, you know, how slow is this wagon moving?

You're right.

He's right.

He's right about that.

Six months to tend corn.

That's stupid.

So, farmers out.

Screw farmers.

All right.

We hate farmers on this podcast.

If we're a banker and we sell good, we barter goods, can we charge interest?

Banker gets bonus money, and then the carpenter has bonus skills.

I think that's what the bonus is.

Oh, does a farmer have extra food?

Because food's usually important, actually.

Probably, but forget that.

No, fuck farmers.

Farmers are out of here.

They are off the list.

Fuck farmers.

i love the farmers only theme song

great

great great marketing there

all right okay all right okay so banker more money carpenter more wood we're picking one of these even though there's two heads of us we're all one your body only has one profession There's going to be a long trail if we can't get past decision number one.

We can buy more grandfather clocks if we have more money.

I like how Mark's talk about clocks.

I think that's a strong strategy.

Skills are only important once we leave.

Money's important right now.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm hearing banker.

Yeah, we can pay someone with skill on the way.

Yeah.

And we can talk them down because we're money people and we know money better than they do.

You

are a banker from Boston.

Bummer from New York.

Fuck.

Boston.

Same thing.

Your name is

Mark Wade.

You have me.

Who else is in your wagon?

You get three more people.

Who else do you want to bring with us?

Our wife.

Tanya.

Tanya, our wife.

Got it?

And who's number five?

God,

teenage son.

God, they did not name people as creatively as they do now back in the Oregon Trail times.

Well, I thought Mark would give a name to our teenage son since I named Tanya.

No, no, no, no.

He doesn't get a name until he knows he's going to survive.

Until we know.

When he comes of age, then he gets a name.

Oh, this is like a god of war.

He's just boy.

Yeah.

Boy.

All right.

Our party consists of Mark Wade, Bob, Tanya, our wife, and teenage son.

Is Tanya not our wife or is Tanya our wife?

No, Tanya's an unrelated person.

Are these correct?

Yes.

Yes, yes.

All right.

It's 1848.

Your jumping off point is Independence, Missouri.

You must decide which month to leave.

That's why they got the arch, because it's the gateway to the west.

The Independence Arch.

I remember that.

Yeah, the Golden Gate Arch.

When are we leaving?

March, April, May, June, and July.

Oh.

Well, it is July, technically, so I guess.

Hold on, hold on.

Listen, Bakerhead,

Bakerhead left.

Mark votes for July.

What if we leave toward the end of winter when we actually have supplies?

I'm not going to wait around until the end of winter.

But we can bank more.

Look, everyone knows you're warmer when you're moving.

We're going to sit around and be cold all winter, or are we going to be moving and keep the heat going through the winter?

Think, think,

think.

Yeah, are you thinking, Wynn?

Your name does come first of ours, so I'll, yeah, you're right.

We should leave now in the heat of July, and that way, whenever we're getting low on supplies.

It'll get cooler.

It'll get colder.

But that's when we'll be running out of food, and we've killed the farmer.

No, we just told him to fuck off.

He's fine.

Oh, we killed his dreams.

That's what I meant.

And same thing, honestly.

Yeah.

What's the farmer without his dreams?

All right, we're leaving in July.

I love this decision.

I can't imagine why picking the latest possible month would cause us any problems.

How long does this trip take, by the way?

Takes me about like, you know, three, four days.

Yeah, it's like a couple days' drive.

I don't even see why the leaving in the summer mattered.

Any of those months would be fine.

According to Pathfinder rules, if you have a wagon, you actually move slower than just walking.

So it's gonna be really slow if we play by Pathfinder rules.

Well, that's Pathfinder.

But thank God we're not doing that.

Yeah, we have dirt road.

All right, Game Master, tell us what's happening next.

Mark, that's you.

What?

No, it was the one talking about Pathfinder rules and all this stuff.

Well, you asked how long it would take to get there.

And I said, depends what system we're using.

All right.

I think this is the step where we buy our grandfather clocks.

Before leaving, we need to buy equipment and supplies.

We have $1,600,

which in 19th-century money, I'm pretty sure is like $30 million today.

Holy shit, we're a rich banker.

All right.

Okay.

We got the whole bank with us.

All right.

We have $1,600.

You can buy whatever you need at Match General Store.

How many grandfather clocks you got?

Why are you grandfather clocks so fast?

I'll tell you, this is a story.

Is that actually a thing you can do in this game?

Okay, good.

I don't remember grandfather clocks in this game.

I thought you were just throwing that out there.

Okay.

You can definitely buy grandfather clocks.

Here, I'll even voice characters for you guys.

Hello, I'm Matt.

So you're going to Oregon.

I can fix you up with what you need.

You ain't a guru, are you?

What?

Guru?

No.

No,

maybe.

Do you need one?

Nope.

No, no, you can.

We're good.

What you want first?

A team of oxen to pull your wagon?

Or clothing for both summer and winter?

Well, you don't need that for sure.

Or plenty of food for your trip?

Or ammunition?

For your guns?

Or spare parts for your wagon?

What do you want?

We have to pick how many oxen, food, clothes, bullets, and spare parts we buy.

So there's two strategies in Oregon Trail, and every other strategy is wrong.

I see two paths.

You go all oxen or all grandfather clocks.

Wait, what about the bullets?

Shmullets.

Am I right?

All bullets.

Hunting was the funnest part.

Hunting this guy and hunting.

No, that's a good idea, actually.

We should hunt.

Or, you know what?

It does say I could press the space bar to just leave the store.

Then we just take our money with us.

And money never loses its value.

Do we have a wagon with no oxen pulling?

But we have $1,600.

We do have Tanya and our wife.

Yeah, they could pull.

Tanya, our wife, and teenage son, get out there.

This is how you earn your name.

All right, okay.

You need at least two oxen.

I know that because one could die.

What about four oxen, and you have like a Santa sled kind of thing going?

How much money would that even cost?

What?

Do you want to see how much one costs?

Yeah, how much does one cost?

There are two oxen in a yoke.

I recommend at least three yoke of oxen.

I charge $40 a yoke.

How many yoke do you want?

Oh, I didn't realize this was math.

Fucking what the hell?

This game is school.

Does the yoke come with oxen?

A yoke comes with two oxen.

And he recommends at least three of them, which would be six oxen.

Well, this guy doesn't know what he's talking about.

He's an idiot.

Well, I know all about the Oregon Trail.

All right, we need four yoke.

Okay, wait.

How many yoke could we technically buy?

I wasn't prepared to do math.

Fucking, hang on, hang on.

Is that 40 yoke?

Is that 40 yoke worth?

We could have 80 oxen.

Can we?

Yes, we could buy 40 yoke of oxen.

Yeah, I got a V40 out here in my

wagon.

Can you eat oxen?

I assume you can eat if they die, then you eat them.

Is that what happens?

That's that's what I've known.

I've known you could do that.

Unless they're sick and then you don't want to eat them.

80 oxen could get us to Oregon if we needed to.

I feel like that's.

Yeah, how fast we hauling.

Dude, if it's like horsepower, then that's a fast little

piece right there.

Plus, if we need clothing, I mean, oxenahide is commonly used for clothes, right?

Commonly, we just treat them like tauntons.

How about we go split it?

We go half oxen, half grandfather clocks.

Okay.

How many grandfather clocks?

No, we haven't even seen grandfather clocks yet.

I don't know.

I don't recall grandfather clocks.

Also, are there other stores or is this the one store?

I don't know.

The game I played, you could buy them in Independence for, it says $100, but I'm guessing they don't have them.

Well, because it said I could leave the store, right?

Does that, I assume that means there's other stores we could go to, or does that just mean we...

I don't think so.

I think that's just.

I think in the original, it was just one.

All right, so what I'm hearing is we're buying 20 yoke of oxen.

Is that where we're sitting right now?

All right, that would still leave us 800 bucks.

We might want a couple spare wheels for the wagon.

Oxen don't need wheels, just drag it on the ground.

Who cares?

We've got enough, we've got enough oxen, it doesn't really matter.

Honestly, this much power, yeah, you're hauling no matter which way you got a wheel.

I don't see how this could go wrong.

You're right.

All right, that sounds like concurrence to me.

20 yoke of oxen, it is, and the rest in bullets.

You may only take 20 oxen.

Apparently, we picked the maximum already.

All right.

Wait, it said I put 20 and then it said, oh, you can only buy 20, and then didn't let me buy.

Oh, no, it said two oxen per yoke.

So you can need 10 yolks.

Oh, we can only take 10.

Okay, 10 yolk.

10 yolks, it is, boys.

Well, that only costs $400.

We put on a mustache and we buy 10 more yolks.

We have two people here.

Tanya, go buy some more yolks.

All right, whatever.

We'll do that.

Then maybe, I don't know, food, clothes, food and bullets.

Do we have a gun?

Do we need a gun too?

Is there an auto-fill after that?

Can you just auto-fill it?

I could just do what he recommends.

He recommends 200 pounds of food per person.

And I see that you have five people.

So.

Oh, our son's all of a sudden four.

We need a thousand pounds of food.

Oh, I thought he counted as four.

You're not a growing boy anymore.

Or at least not for long.

We've got a thousand pounds of food.

That's only 200 bucks.

How much clothes do we need?

I recommend taking at least two sets of clothes per person.

200 200 pounds of clothes.

200 pounds of food, 200 pounds of clothes.

Apparently, sets of clothes are one cowboy hat and one boots, and that's it.

Wait, there's no recommendation for the bullets.

Wade, you were pretty hot on bullets.

He sells them in boxes of 20.

It's $2 a box.

How many boxes do we need?

Oh, like at least $200 worth of bullets.

What is that, 100 boxes?

Yeah.

I cannot type in a three-digit number into this slot.

I'll get you 99 boxes of bullets.

All right.

We got $198 of bullets.

We have enough for the oxen and for Tanya if she decides to get sick.

We've only spent $898 and we do need some spare parts.

Yep.

Wagon wheels and such.

Wheel, axle, and tongue.

They're $10 each.

Oh, boy.

How many wheels?

100?

Oh.

Six?

Give me a ballpark.

10.

10.

I cannot type in a two-digit number.

Man, there's a bunch of rules in this.

Nine.

Nine, it is.

Our wagon may only carry three wagon wheels.

Man, what an important piece of information to have.

That I guess is three.

Good God.

How many wagon axles may we hold,

store man?

Our wagon can only carry three axles.

I'm guessing three is the number, boys.

All right, three.

We spent $988.

I feel like we're forgetting something really important here.

Well, then, you're ready to start.

Good luck.

You have a long and difficult journey ahead of you.

You don't need to say that.

You could say it's nice and easy.

Oh,

God.

There's sound.

Jesus, fuck, it's so loud.

Oh,

God.

I thought our seller was dying.

No, I just hit the button and it just went

at fucking 150% volume for some reason.

Did we buy medicine?

That wasn't an option.

We're fine.

What even is medicine?

We don't even believe in that.

It's 1840 some.

But we don't have any beer grandfather clocks either.

It's July 1st, 1848, and we're leaving.

The weather is warm.

Our health is good.

Our pace is steady.

Our rations are filling.

What do we do?

Well, cut those rations.

All right, change food rations.

Got it?

Get them down, Billy.

He doesn't have a name.

The options are filling, meager, or bare bones.

Well, we gotta save it for winter, right?

It's gotta be meager.

Meager, it is.

Meals are small, but adequate.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, that'll get rationale up.

That'll get rationale up.

Not morale, rationale.

We got rationale up.

Onward.

From independence is 102 miles to the Kansas River crossing.

102 miles.

We're practically all the way there.

Miles traveled, zero.

We're doing fine.

Wait, we left the game.

We're like, oh, small lunches, small lunches.

Oh, wait.

We're approaching a river.

Do I stop and assess?

Or do we need to cross it?

Yes.

Our pace is good.

Our rations are meager.

Assess.

Assess.

Oh, that just means we can stop and.

Oh, we can change the pace, guys.

Faster.

Faster?

We got to make up ground early before things get bad.

We should have left four months ago.

We got four months to make up.

Options are steady pace, a strenuous pace, or a grueling pace.

Oh, you know which one I want.

Yeah, fuck it.

Let's gruel.

Gruel.

Let's gruel.

Right through the river.

If we go fast enough at the river, we go on top of it.

It's true.

He's right.

All right.

Here we go, boys.

We're rivering.

You are now at the Kansas River crossing.

Would you like to look around?

Oh, apparently I stopped us five pixels before we got to the automatic stop at the river crossing.

We've traveled 102 miles.

That's pretty good.

That's pretty good.

Oh, yeah, we weren't even gruel.

You got 940 pounds of food.

Health good?

Why do we need to look around?

It's a river.

I mean, good lord, dude.

Maybe there's a bridge.

Oh.

Are you vetoing Wade?

Are we looking?

No, I didn't see.

What was it?

Wade said maybe there's a bridge.

Are there bridges in this game?

Is that a thing?

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, probably.

Usually you caulk or die.

Kansas River crossing.

We're looking around.

There's no bridges.

We can stop to rest.

We can attempt to trade.

We can look at the map or we can get the fuck out of here.

I think we get the the fuck out of here.

What do we need to...

Who's true?

We just left.

We just traded.

On we go.

You must cross the river in order to continue.

The river at this point is currently 603 feet across and 1.4 feet deep in the middle.

That sounds pretty crossable.

1.4?

Easy.

Attempt to ford the river, caulk the wagon and float it, take a ferry, or wait to see if conditions improve.

Ford that shit.

1.4 feet?

That's tiny.

We can afford that.

We're bankers.

I like that face.

That face is good.

Oh, we're fine.

That's good.

That was a good thing to happen.

We made the crossing successfully, guys.

Easy.

See you later, Missouri.

From here, it's 82 miles to the big blue river crossing.

Oh, we can make that in a day.

We are going to make that in a day.

We literally made it in a day.

It's one day later.

We're at the blue.

Oh, it's like the middle of the night.

How fast are we going?

Wait, how fast is it?

We have 80 oxen.

We have 40 oxen.

No.

40.

40, yeah.

No, 20.

Our health is fair.

We're at the big blue river crossing.

Our health is fair.

Our pace is still grueling.

Our rations are still meager.

It's still warm out.

Health's only fair.

Do we need to up rations temporarily?

Fair?

I don't know what your definition of fair is.

Fair is fair.

Fair is fair.

Fair is fair.

That's what, yeah.

Fair is fair.

But what were we before?

We were

better than fair.

Good or something.

Fine.

Well, we weren't even great.

Fair is at least as good as whatever we were previously.

And we're like three days from Oregon at our pace.

So let's keep going.

Let's keep going.

You must cross the river.

At this point, it's currently

222 feet across, 1.3 deep in the middle.

That's even less deep.

Get on it.

Oh, we're going.

Why are there so many rivers?

I don't know.

Whoever designed this place sucks.

Stupid America.

It was a muddy crossing, but you did not get stuck because it was a foot deep.

Yeah, you know what they say?

Over the river and no, through the river and over the woods.

Nope.

Mark, you okay?

I'm going to headbutt you a little bit.

You know what they say?

Under the river and over the woods.

Over the river and through the

through the river and through the woods.

Through the mountain, through we go, through, through, through.

Through grandmother's house, I charge.

Through, through, through, through, through.

I love that song.

Our wife has exhaustion.

Oh, God.

Hello to sleep.

What the fuck?

It's all that sex just wearing her out.

Ah, man.

Grueling, am I right?

At our pace.

Can't you just ride in the wagon?

Yeah, what's grueling about sitting in a wagon comfortably riding across the country to Oregon?

I guess it is a wagon going at a grueling pace, just sticking through.

No, it's fine.

We found an abandoned wagon that had one set of clothing and 21 bullets in it.

Loot.

I guess, yeah, we looted it.

It didn't even give me an option.

We just did loot it.

This is barely anything.

What were they even thinking?

We made it to Fort Kearney, boys.

Man, this is easier than I thought it would be.

Yeah, Fort Kearney is like in Oregon, isn't it?

It's July 13th, 1848.

We've been on the road for almost two weeks, and we're already at Fort Kearney.

How many miles?

200 and some miles.

Where does it say that?

It doesn't say that on any of these screens.

That's fine.

We have supplies.

Do we want to change our pace, change our rations?

Do we want to stop and rest?

And do we want to buy any supplies?

We should rest.

We should rest a day.

Yeah, we should rest today, but yeah, buy supplies.

Yeah, we should do that.

I hope to God they have grandfather clocks at Fort Kearney.

I hope so.

I hope so.

And oxen.

All right.

They have oxen, clothing, wagon wheels, wagon axles, wagon tongues, food, and leave store.

Oh, we might need more food.

Do we need more food?

How's our food?

We still have like over 900 pounds of food.

Ah, get to 1,000.

Yeah, let's get to 1,000, but we're not changing the food rations.

Got it.

Look, winter's coming.

Gonna have something to eat when we get there.

There's no food in Oregon.

All right, we're back up over to a thousand pounds of food.

Anything else we need?

I mean, we haven't gone through anything, right?

Oxen.

We haven't lost lost any.

Should I just see how many oxen in the little

oxygen?

See if it'll give us more oxen.

We want more oxen.

I can only type in single-digit numbers, apparently.

All right.

One yoke.

You may only take 20 oxen.

Lie to him.

Tell them we only have two.

We should have something about that before we started talking to him.

Nah, it's all right.

It's all right.

All right.

Let the wife rest, and then we'll be on the way.

Stop to rest.

How many days are we resting?

One.

One day.

Got it.

I mean, it's one whole day.

That took our health from poor up to fair, and weather's still warm.

Maybe we should go from fair to maybe one more day?

Wait, was all of our health poor?

There's only one health rating, and it just says health fair.

We need to go up one more notch.

Can we rest one more day?

Yeah, we want to be better than fair this time.

We're going to gruel.

We rested one more day.

Our health is still fair.

One more day.

One more day.

Come on.

All right.

The best things come in threes.

We don't want to overcommit to anything.

Health is still fair.

One more day.

Four is the magic number.

All right.

One more day.

Health is still fair.

We have now arrested

four days?

Man, that's too much time.

We need to hit the road.

Just for context, we still have 20 oxen.

We have 11 sets of clothes.

We have 2,001 bullets.

Oh, wait, we only have 940 pounds of food.

Wait a minute.

I did my math wrong.

Wait, wait, wait.

Yeah, hang on.

Hang on.

I'll top up the food and then we'll get out of here.

Yeah, good.

How much money do we got left?

$587.

Oh, that's more than the farmer ever had.

Yeah.

Stupid idiot farmer thinks plants grow.

On to the trail, boys.

It's 250 miles to Chimney Rock.

Inadequate grass.

Apparently, we've encountered inadequate grass.

I don't know what that means.

Is that bad?

Go faster.

Through it.

There's no grass here.

Oh, we're coming upon a tree stump.

What do we do?

Oh, we pass a grave site.

It was not a tree stump.

It was a grave site.

Would we like to look closer at the grave site?

No.

Nope.

All right.

On to the grueling pace.

Let's go.

Very little water.

I'm sure that's fine.

Weather's hot.

How many rivers have we passed?

Our health is poor.

Oh, hey, we're at Chimney Rock.

Oh, God, man.

A lot of stuff happened.

Yeah, we went.

We have now traveled 554 miles.

Our health is poor and the weather is hot, but we reached Chimney Rock on July 24th, 1848.

All right, we rest three days.

And we should probably eat something while we rest.

I think our problem was we rested and didn't eat anything.

So you want to change the food rations?

Yeah, give us some good food while we're here.

All right, filling food rations.

Three days of rest.

You know what we haven't looked at yet is the map.

Do we want to look at the map or is that for losers?

No, we know where Chimney Rock is.

It's right next to House Rock.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'm going to...

Do we want to attempt to trade?

Doesn't say with whom we could attempt to trade, but it says we could attempt to trade.

Yeah, someone that looks kind of shady.

Oh, wait, that's our supplies.

Yeah, we have all the same supplies.

Hang on.

No one wants to trade with us today.

Apparently, we look shady.

All right.

Well, we're resting for three days.

Was that the consensus?

And with food.

With good food.

Yeah, good food.

Good food.

Food rations are filling.

Resting for three days.

Health went from poor to fair.

Awesome.

Fair has gotten us here.

Do we change rations before we hit the road?

How much food did that take?

That's an interesting thing that you asked.

We're at 870 pounds of food right now.

Jesus Christ.

Three days?

Well, I guess so.

No, wait, that was from the travel before, right?

Yeah, we started before the long, the 250-mile travel with 1,000 pounds of food.

We've not even hunted yet.

We have 2,000 bullets.

Yeah, we better start shooting some stuff.

Shit.

I really want to start shooting.

We got to be cautious, guys.

We can't be willy-nilly in bullets and food out there.

2,000 bullets.

We can all just shoot two guns at a time and we won't run through that.

We got unlimited bullets over here.

I mean, that does sound like a lot of bullets.

I sort of thought there'd be more shooting on the Oregon Trail.

I'm not going to lie.

I did too.

I thought we'd stop and hunt more.

I thought that was going to be kind of a big part of it.

But we're grueling.

We got gruel.

All right.

Should we eat more as we grueling pace?

I'll give you that.

But, you know, if you want to hunt, it's fine.

But we're going to be grueling.

Let's eat more for this one stretch.

And if it gets to be too much, we'll cut it again.

Okay, we're going to continue on to the trail with filling rations at a grueling pace.

Do we slow down a little?

No, we gruel, we gruel, we gruel.

They got full bellies.

Hey, hey, we're the leaders up here.

It's 86 miles to Fort Laramie.

This is easy.

Oh, yeah, we'll be there in two minutes.

How much can we possibly eat 86 miles?

Very little water.

Health is fair.

Oh, weather's rainy.

Heck.

How are we out of water?

Yeah.

Open your mouths.

Water.

We ate down to 825 pounds of food and we have arrived at Fort Laramie.

That was stupid easy.

This game is easy.

I don't know what everyone complains about.

Yeah.

July 31st, 1848.

Fort Laramie, wherever the hell this is.

Fort Laramie, that's in Oregon.

Is it?

I don't know.

Oh, okay, good.

Every place we've gotten to, I've said, is that in Oregon?

We could buy supplies here, guys.

Grandfathers?

Food?

Grandfather's food?

We have 825 pounds of food.

Let's buy supplies.

We could buy oxen, clothing, bullets, wagon parts, and food.

This is stupid.

Are we buying food?

Are we topping up on food?

Yeah, top it off.

Well, I don't know.

Mr.

Hunts a lot over here thinks that we can get some food.

Why do we need to waste our money getting more food?

Am I topping us up to 1,000 pounds of food or how much food?

No, don't even top us off.

We're going to need room for all the food we're going to hunt.

All right, I'm buying zero pounds of food.

Yeah, Do we need to rest?

Are we bad again?

No.

We don't even need to rest.

That was 84 miles.

It was tiny.

We don't need a rest.

Well, then we're hitting the trail, I guess.

All right.

And we're hunting.

As soon as you see that hunt pop up.

It's 190 miles to Independence Rock.

Wait, didn't we start in Independence?

We started in Independence, Missouri, which is a town in Independence.

Oh, we went in a goddamn circle.

That's not good.

Maybe we should have looked at the map.

Lose trail.

We lost today.

We got lost.

It's fine i think we're fine no one looks at the map no one dares look at a map no maps weather's hot health is fair 795 pounds of food we need to hunt do we want to try and hunt just hunt just give them the hunt all right we're gonna hunt for food all right um oh this is like a game to play bob you got this you got this bob enter key to start or stop walking spacebar to fire to point the rifle this really is rng because it's entirely out of our hands.

How this hunt's gonna go.

Wow.

Yeah, I hope I'm a good hunter.

Heck.

Oh, that's why we brought you.

You said you were the hunter.

Probably.

I didn't realize I had to do this.

All right, guys.

What should I kill?

Animals.

I got a deer.

Get more than that.

Yeah.

You think that's 800 pounds?

I don't.

Keep hunting.

Shoot more.

Just really lay them out.

Just you got bullets.

Just.

Yeah, I do have a lot of.

I'm just going to.

Yeah.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Deer, buffalo, wolf, rabbit, squirrel.

I got a squirrel.

Oh, buffalo.

Come here, dude.

Yeah, kill that.

I got 134 pounds of meat.

I was only able to carry 100 pounds of it back to the wagon, apparently, because I'm lazy.

Why didn't wife Tanya boy help?

Yeah, I should have brought Tanya with me.

That's my bad.

That's my bad.

Why didn't our stranger wife son help?

All right.

Well, we got 100 pounds of food from that.

We're sitting at 880 pounds of food.

Look at us.

Wow, we could even hunt one more time, you know?

I don't really want to do that.

I'd like to sit in the wagon some more, please.

All right, fine.

Gruel.

All right, we're moving again.

It's hot out.

Health is fair.

We're 118 miles away from our next landmark.

Oregon?

Oh, we lost the trail.

We got lost for five days.

Oh, my God.

What is happening?

Why?

Why?

Okay.

Who's leading this thing?

You guys.

What do you mean who's leading this thing?

What kind of question is that?

No, I can't be right.

We would never get lost.

Tanya has dysentery.

Well, we didn't even know Tanya.

Our health is listed as ferret.

Yeah, that's true.

I'm not very attached to her.

We don't know Tanya.

Should we just press on?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Tanya has dysentery.

That's too bad.

That's too bad.

Very little water.

Oh, our health is poor.

We've reached Independence Rock.

All right, we rest for five days.

Well, man, this seems very arbitrary, what he's saying.

Yeah, he's just saying stuff.

I say we roll a dice between one and seven and let that decide.

Oh, let me just get my D7 out.

You guys don't have a D7?

No.

I have my D10 with commandments.

D6 plus one.

Okay, yeah, D6 plus one.

Wade D and D's.

This guy D and D's.

Here's my.

What about D10 minus three?

You know what?

I like Mark's idea better.

Mark, roll it.

D20 minus 30.

USD 10 minus 3, baby.

Roll one, D10 minus 3.

1 to 2, have no idols!

Negative one day!

Press on!

All right, we're going.

Damn it.

I hope Tanya had a good negative one day of rest.

All right, wait, hold on.

Okay,

I'm beginning to think maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

Oh, really?

You're thinking that, huh?

Well, the dice said, I guess.

Why'd you roll a dice with our health?

We can't have any idols, so we can't idolize Tanya here.

She'll get better.

It smells like shit we could have rested at least cleaned her up we if we if you're walking the poop stays behind if you're staying in one place the poop's there yeah you don't want to you don't want to hang around in your own filth we want to hang her asshole out the back of the wagon well we're not having her in the wagon in case she poops all in all of her stuff so she's got to walk yeah she's walking behind the wagon yeah okay well so are we just negative one days of rest we better get the fuck out of here the dice spoke we all agreed well uh hold on two of us agreed and and one of us shouldn't even be talking because they're in the back.

Well, we have an official means to

raise objections, and I'm not doing it.

Oh.

No, Wade's happy.

Wade's happy.

Wade agrees.

Okay.

Well, let's get it over with.

It's not going to go your way.

Three heads, and it was fair.

Three tails, and it was unfair, and Wade gets something.

We'll decide what happens after the fact.

I thought heads went to the person who called unfair.

Heads, Wade wins.

Tails, Mark wins.

Yeah, he wanted to rest, I think.

Tails, we not only do we not rest, tails, we have to cut rations to.

Yeah, well, oh, yeah, that's, yeah, that makes sense.

It needs to be made even more fair.

All right, let's let's flip them, gentlemen.

I got tails.

Oh, fuck.

Wade, why can't you just cheat?

Why can't you two both cheat?

Give me heads.

All right.

It was fair as is.

To the trail, my boys.

Yeah, fucking Tanya's dying.

Better not give us anything.

We're 102 miles from the South Pass.

Easy.

Two days.

We'll be there.

Weather's cool.

Health is poor.

Let's rock this, bitch.

There's good air up in the pass.

Oh, there is good air up high.

That's true.

Good air.

Good air.

All right.

There's very little water, apparently.

Bob has a broken arm.

What are we doing?

We didn't know you were on this trip.

Why are you on this trip?

I'm in the wagon.

You're taking me to Oregon.

Well, since when?

I thought it was us, Tanya, our wife, and our son.

And me, I was assumed to be there.

When did he get here?

He hunted for us.

Why are you confused about it being here now?

Oh, I guess, yeah, that makes sense.

Whatever.

And I'm not looking for sympathy.

I just have a broken arm.

Let's do this.

Unless you want to stop and size up the situation, see if you should help me.

Can you walk?

Yeah, oh, I can walk.

All right, back to the grueling.

Not broken leg, huh?

Yeah.

Let's gruel.

All right.

How How did you break your arm then?

Inadequate grass.

Weather is hot.

Very little water.

Easy.

Made it.

We made it to the south pass.

Weather's hot.

Health is poor.

We've traveled 932 miles.

All right.

We rest for five days.

We rest for 10 minus three days.

Seven.

D10.

Oh.

We have 610 pounds of food left.

We rest for 10 minus three days.

Come on, man.

No, what is it?

Maybe we shouldn't have paid attention to this.

But hey, it says it's four.

So, you know, we get a day of rest.

Oh, we rest for one day.

All right.

And we get to honor the Sabbath.

So that's pretty cool.

I liked my D6 plus one a lot more.

I like this stupid D10 minus three.

Look, you can roll that next time and then you're gonna laugh we rested for one day and we have still have poor health we're still eating filling rations so that's that's good

right like

all right and back to the trail how far to our next destination we could talk to people or attempt to trade what's our what's our food situation like uh what did i say 600 and 595 pounds of food right now Could buy like 100 pounds.

Well, it's not a store.

We would have to attempt to trade and see if anyone wants to trade with this oh i don't like strangers okay never mind we don't like strangers oh wait mark likes strangers no he said i i i want him to have his opinion all right grueling pace hit the road grueling pace let's go oh we have to do we have to choose here we could look at the map that's not an option or we can head for green river crossing or fort bridger how far is each one doesn't say I bet the map knows.

Green River sounds really cool.

Sounds like it's wet.

We do need water.

Yeah, if everyone's everyone's going to keep complaining about water, we should probably go to where there's water.

Yeah, yeah.

Fort River.

Fort River.

Fort River.

Fort, yes.

The most confusing fort ever named.

Fort River crossing.

All right, we're going to the Green River crossing.

Let's do this.

We are 57.

We're only 57 miles from the Green River crossing.

Our health is still poor, but the weather is cool.

Let's go, boys.

I feel like we're going to make it.

I think we're going to make it.

I think we're going to make it, and no one's going to to die or have any problem.

Inadequate grass popped up, but whatever.

That doesn't seem to really matter.

When we get to Green River, all the grass you can eat.

August 25th, we are at the Green River crossing.

We rest for 1d6 plus one days, right?

Here, you can roll your six plus one.

Roll it.

Five days.

Four plus one.

We're resting for five days

by the rest of August.

Yeah, August kind of went by.

Health went back up to fair.

Fair's fair.

We still have 20 oxen, 11 sets of clothings.

We have 475 pounds of food, and I don't have any information.

Wait, we could talk to people.

Can we talk to Tanya?

Is that the people we can talk to?

I don't know.

How does that work?

Let's talk and find out.

Big Louie wants to talk.

Is that Tanya's middle name?

$5 to ferry us over the Green River?

Those ferrymen will take $100 before breakfast.

We'll keep downriver until we find a place to ford our wagon and animals what little money we have left we'll keep thanks big louie so we should take the ferry i don't want to go all the way down the river we should ferry there's no store is there there's no store no the river is currently 400 feet across and 20 feet deep in the middle we cannot just cross that that's 20 feet deep we can attempt to ford it We can cock the wagon and attempt to float it.

We can take the ferry or we can wait and see if conditions improve.

20 feet is not changing that dramatically.

Yeah, let me, let me, I'm usually the person that's like, let's go, go, go through the river and through the woods, you know.

Yes, I feel like we should exercise caution here.

I got a bad vibe.

Ferry.

All right, ferry it is.

I almost just mistyped it and made us float our wagon.

Hang on.

Number three is what we want.

Got it.

20 feet deep is pretty deep.

The ferry operator says he will charge you $5 and that you will have to wait wait four days.

Are you willing to do this?

And we should have rested after talking to this guy because that's the days of rest we could have, man.

Maybe we'll get up to good health again, though.

All right, fine.

We'll wait.

It's now September, September 3rd, and we're on the ferry.

Jay, these ferries can't like sink or anything, can they?

It takes them four days to move 400 feet.

Doesn't matter.

Ferry got your party and wagon safely across.

Five bucks, you know, actually, that was a pretty good deal.

I don't know why the guy was saying 100 bucks, like five bucks.

That was nice.

Big Louie, more like big dummy.

Old cheapskate Louie over here.

All right, it's 143 miles to our next landmark, Soda Springs.

We have 415 pounds of food.

Health is good.

What the fuck?

Health is good.

Oh, Kush should have listened to me.

Get those rations down.

Get those rations down.

So do we want to

stop and hunt here somewhere?

Is that where?

All right, let's hunt.

Let's hunt.

Let's hunt.

All right.

Very little water it says uh we're gonna hunt for food we just crossed a river i don't have any like jars or pans or water skins this is not a good hunting ground is there an option to hollow out one of our oxen and fill it with water and have it be dragged behind i think they already have that it's called a bladder we just gotta pump them full of water and then we'll get water out of i have a bear and a deer already i got another deer all right there's no way i'm gonna be able to there's no way i'm gonna be able to carry all this shit back to the thing I'm being attacked by a bear.

Okay, got him.

Never mind.

We're good.

Watch out for those bears.

Yeah, those bears are...

All right, I got us.

I got us 80 pounds of food for some reason.

I killed two bears and two deer and brought back half of one deer.

All right.

Well, hey, you know.

Well, we have 485 pounds of food.

And we can go to meager rations.

Oh, that's true.

Fair health.

Wait, what?

Why is our health fair now?

What happened?

Weather's warm.

Health is fair.

Pace is grueling.

Rations are meager.

Let's go.

It's fine.

We're 60 miles out from our thing.

Literally, not a single complaint.

Oh, inadequate grass.

It's fine.

We're fine.

Bad water.

Oh, God.

We're in soda springs.

It's fine.

Oh, God.

Everything's fine.

Coke zero, actually, please.

Weather is cool.

Health is poor.

There's no store here, but we could attempt to trade if we so desire.

All right, I'll roll to see how long we rest.

Wait, he gets a roll.

You did roll twice in a row.

You did twice.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I got the next one.

Four days.

Three plus one.

All right.

We rested four days.

It is now September 15th.

You know, God only rested

one?

We're going back to your D10 minus three for the next one.

All right.

Health is fair.

Do we want to try and talk to people or trade or anything or just get the hell out of here?

Yeah, we need more food, right?

Don't we need more food now?

Yeah, see if anybody wants to trade.

Yeah, we are currently at 385 pounds of food.

That's half of what I want.

See, this is what happens when you have filling rations.

No one wants to trade with us today.

We must stink or something.

Well, so we can hunt again, I guess.

Yeah, can you like bring more people along so they can carry more food?

I, nope, I have very little input, honestly.

All right, then you hunt.

We're going.

We got to continue on the trail.

It's 57 miles to Fort Hall, and then I'm going to stop and hunt on the way.

How are you doing on bullets?

You're going on bullets?

We have 1,985 bullets left.

I think we're good.

We should be hunting a lot more than we are.

All right.

Here we go.

Hunting time, baby.

Watch out for bears.

I killed a bear.

Oh, nice.

Oh, my God.

Fucking fast animals over here.

I killed one bear, and there's a bunch of demon bunnies who are running past me at a thousand miles an hour.

I killed a deer.

Oh my God, that's the fastest deer in the history of deers, but it's fine.

Nice.

This is great.

Is this riveting gameplay?

As you get closer to Oregon, the animals do get faster.

I remember that.

I got us 295 pounds of food.

What the fuck?

Holy shit.

We're up to 400.

No, that's not how math works.

We're up to 455 pounds of food.

That's not how math works at all.

Did you carry any of it back?

I'm going to be honest, I was in the act of hunting.

I hit the spacebar and I kind of skipped the summary screen because it just ended with no warning.

But we have 455 pounds of food.

It's fine.

We're fine.

It's good.

I swear it's where we started.

No, we had 350.

I think we got 100 pounds from that.

We can go more than meager, you know.

Are we turning up rations?

Is that what we're saying?

No, we're not yet, but we will.

It's September 20th, and we arrive at Fort Hall.

God, we're almost out of September.

Almost.

When does September end?

Someone remind me.

Somebody find me.

After the 30th day.

Weather is cool.

Health is fair.

Everything else is good.

They do have a store here.

Oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh.

They sell all the same shit.

It's 40 cents per pound of food here.

Should I top us up?

Wait, 40 cents per pound of food.

That's about double what it was previously.

How much money we got?

We have $567.

Spend it on food.

Grandfather clocks.

I wish, dude.

Now all I want in the entire world is a grandfather clock in our wagon.

All right, yeah, just get the food.

300 pounds of food.

Yeah, 300 pounds of food.

Can we afford that?

Yes, that was about $100.

Or how does math work?

Some number of amount of food.

Yeah, we're not going to need money out in Oregon.

They got gold falling out of the hills.

They don't have food.

They got really fast bears.

So we want as much food as we can get.

All right, we have $447,

and now we have 735 pounds of food.

We still haven't used any spare parts.

We have 20 oxen.

Well,

I feel like we're way ahead of the game.

Are we resting?

Are we 1d10 minus 3 resting?

Oh, yeah, Mark, that's your role.

Can I just say we don't rest at all?

No, roll.

Six.

We rest for three days.

Do not murder while we rest.

Are we upping the rations the rest of the way now?

We should up them while we're resting, but then never again.

Okay, so we're leaving it on meager rations?

Well, no, up it, then rest.

Up it, then rest.

Yeah, I definitely already rested before you even asked if we should change our rations, because it takes two button and presses to do that.

Well, then up it for up it for a few days then we'll lower it later.

Oh yeah fine up it I guess.

All right.

Are we topped on food?

Top tip top?

We're 700 and what was it?

705 pounds of food.

What's tip top?

Up to a thousand?

Is that tip topping it?

Yeah, topping up and then filling rations for a bit.

All right, we're going to buy 300 more pounds of food.

I swear it's Tanya's just shitting all this food straight out.

Yeah, Tanya's really wasting it.

You're not getting any value out of this food.

We're at a thousand and five pounds of food, and you want me to up the rations to filling?

All right, we got filling rations.

We're still in a grueling pace, and our health is fair.

Excellent.

Got a gruel.

Back to the trail?

Yeah.

Do we want to stop and hunt or anything on this next stint?

No, we got food.

Go.

All right.

182 miles to the Steak River crossing.

We're going.

It's going to be good weather.

Steak River.

I love steak.

Impassable Trail.

We just lost nine days.

What?

Why?

Nine nine

It is now October 3rd.

Well, we're the one to celebrate Halloween up there.

Very little water.

Health is fair.

Very little water.

Bob has dysentery.

Oh, shit.

Wow, I probably caught it from Tanya.

I didn't say this out front, but if I die, everyone loses this episode.

We better rest.

How you feeling, Bob?

Shitty.

Is resting an option?

Oh, it is an option.

Look, you could rest and die.

Or we could gruel.

We grueled with Tanya.

Or we could gruel and live.

How far until the next place?

It's 100 miles.

100 miles.

Okay.

All right.

Bob, I'm going to pull you aside.

You may not be the leader of this expedition, but I have a feeling that when you die, and it's not an if at this point, it's a when.

When you die, we're all dead.

So you just got to get through these next hundred miles and don't die.

Whatever you do, if you see the light ahead of you, don't go towards it, but follow the wagon because you're not riding in it because we don't want you pooping all over our stuff.

Those sets of clothes that are in pristine condition that we've never changed out of, you got to make sure they stay safe.

So when you're walking behind us and you eventually start to get away, just remember, go faster.

We're going to keep the pace.

We're not slowing down for nothing because you're going to make it.

And then you're going to die.

Okay,

speech is over now.

Voila, can I stop plugging my ears now?

I'm connected to your body.

No, you know, you could have listened.

You could have listened.

That was an inspirational speech for everybody.

No, that wasn't private at all.

All right.

Back to the trail, nerds.

All right.

Well, you missed the most inspirational speech of your life.

So that was your loss, buddy.

Well, I thought you and Bob wanted a moment, so I thought I'd give you a moment.

It was a hell of a speech.

There's no way I'm going to die now.

No way.

No way.

Yeah.

We're down to 795 pounds of food already, because, but that, but it's fine.

Well, how are you gonna hunt if you're shitting yourself?

That's what I'm saying.

All right, there's very little water, there's bad water.

Tanya has dysentery, that's not good, it's spreading.

Health is very poor, health is very oh, we made it.

We're at the Snake River crossing.

See, told you.

Oh, hope we rest a good amount of time here.

Well, we're gonna find out.

October 12th, 1848.

We're at the Snake River Crossing.

Mark, we could

just decide to rest for a while.

Health is very poor.

Are we doing Mark's role?

Yeah, it's my role.

Snake River Crossing.

Where is this?

I'm looking at a map, but I'm not.

Yeah, should I look at the map or no map?

You don't look at a map.

I'm just going to make it.

I'm going to look at a map and you look at my face, and that's what I judge where we are.

Okay, all right.

Actually, we're at the Snake River Crossing, is where we are.

Yeah, we're at the wait, no, that's this is a completely different thing.

Sorry, this went to Three Island Crossing.

I'm sorry, hold on a second.

Snake River Crossing.

Hold on.

Oh,

or it's close.

It's either really close or really far.

It's got to be close by now.

We've been going at a grueling pace the whole time.

For so long.

So long.

All right, I'm going to roll.

Let's see.

10 minus 3.

We need a good rest, bud.

We need a good rest.

Hey, honor your parents.

5 minus 3.

Two days.

Two whole days.

All right.

Two whole days of rest.

The food's up, right?

The food's up.

Food's up.

Our health went all the way up from very poor to poor.

Do we want to try to trade or talk to any big Louis?

Maybe there's someone that can give you an inspirational speech.

We have 690 pounds of food left, so we're doing okay on food.

Oh, he's 300 pounds.

I guess we'd get lost for nine days.

Yeah, we spent more than a week just randomly wandering around lost.

You really think three two days?

Stupid dice.

It's okay.

The next one, assuming everyone survives, the next one will be your good role, Wade.

And you definitely will get a lot of days of rest on your good role.

Oh boy, I hope so.

Back to the trail.

Let's fucking go.

Yeah.

Unless we want to try and trade or talk to people or

let's try.

Maybe.

Okay, Wade.

You're equal parts of this body that we share, right?

Thank you for noticing.

How do you feel?

Like a bitch or like

a brave, brave, brave Oregon trailer?

A poor trailer.

We're a banker.

We're never poor.

That's true.

How much money we got left?

$300 and some amount of dollars.

$327.

That's less than we once had, but more than some have.

Wait, $300,

$18.49 to 2025.

How much is that?

All right.

Look, we got $12,000.

Let me tell you.

Five people can't live, but let's say four or three could, right?

You know what I'm saying?

Three definitely could.

Yeah, but if Bob dies, we all die.

I don't know about that.

His heart is connected connected to ours.

Our fates are connected, yeah.

That's true.

That's true.

All right.

Okay.

I'll leave it to you, buddy.

Tell you this: you roll your dice, I'll roll my dice, I'll subtract my dice from your dice.

We'll rest that many more days.

If your destiny holds it true that we should rest, then your dice will beat my dice.

I rolled a five, five plus one, so it's six minus.

Did you roll a fucking 10 this time?

No, I rolled exactly six.

But you do minus three, so that's six minus three, right?

Oh, yeah.

If you did, okay, all right, okay, all right.

You're right.

So we're resting for three days.

Is that how we're doing it, or is this a solid number?

All right, you're right, you're right.

You're so right.

I forgot about my penalty.

Wait, PEMDAS, are we doing PEM DOS correctly?

Wait, is Diane?

Because if we're just doing a flat D6 minus a D10, I feel like I was at a disadvantage.

Yeah, I said that.

I said you were.

Yeah, no, I think that was his point.

All right, we're resting for three more days.

Oh, that'd be a five minus six.

It's either three days or negative one.

You got your three.

You got your three.

Resting for three more days.

And our health went from poor to still poor.

Weather's cold.

It's October 17th, 1840.

Hey, tomorrow's my birthday, boys.

We got to get moving.

It's his birthday.

We should probably change clothes.

Back to the...

Is that an option?

I don't know.

He says cold.

It's not an option all right let's go well hit the road look at the nice clothes we bought yeah dude we've got all these great clothes for later oh we have this is a river crossing we have to cross the river the river is currently a thousand feet across and six feet deep in the middle six is pretty deep for a wagon and oxen isn't it yeah can we ferry without having to wait a week we can attempt to ford it we can cock it we can Hire an Indian to help, or we can wait to see if conditions improve.

Those are the listed options.

That was a new option.

I haven't seen that option.

That's a new option.

I like new options.

Cool.

All right, we're doing new stuff.

Yeah, I think we hire an expert.

All right.

A Shoshone guide says that he will take your wagon across the river in exchange for two sets of clothing.

Will you accept this offer?

We don't even need all that clothing.

We got so many clothes.

Plus, we can give them the clothes that we took off the dead people.

Yeah.

We accept.

Shoshone guide will help

float your wagon across.

Wait, we're floating?

I thought we were what?

Okay.

We're floating, apparently.

Yeah, but with an expert.

Expert floating.

Floating expertly.

Everything's fine.

Big river.

We had no trouble floating the wagon across the river.

Thousand feet was pretty long, but we were longer.

Two sets of clothes.

Well bartered.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

It's 113 miles to Fort Boise.

Weather is cool.

Health is poor, but it is.

Boise.

That's an Oregon.

It is my birthday.

Wow.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Are you still dissipated?

You feeling better?

630 pounds of food.

Shall we?

Hunt or go.

Oh, are we stopping to hunt?

No.

630 pounds is pretty good.

Oh, wait, no, it's his birthday.

Very little water.

It's not my birthday anymore.

It's now October 21st.

Ox wanders off.

Ox wanders off.

Lose three days.

No!

All right, whatever.

Okay.

We just lost one.

We have 30 oxen.

Inadequate grass.

Oh, damn, the grass again.

Oh, we made it to Fort Boise.

Everything's fine.

We have 510 pounds of food left.

Okay, who rolls this time?

I've lost track.

Couldn't tell you.

Your roll.

We still have 20 oxen.

Apparently, we got the ox back.

510 pounds of food.

We rest three days.

Two plus one is three.

Minus.

Oh, it was only a one.

You're lucky.

All right.

We rested three days.

It's October 29th.

Our health is fair.

Hey, we're fair.

Yeah, fair's not bad.

Fair's fair.

Fair is fair.

Are we gonna buy any supplies?

Do we want to do anything here?

Yeah, food and then we gun it straight for Oregon.

Food is 45 cents a pound here.

All of it.

What is all of it?

As much as we can afford.

I'm gonna buy 500 pounds of food.

We are so close to Oregon.

We are so close.

We're basically there.

If I remember right, Boise, you can throw a stone and hit Oregon.

We have $102 left, and we have 965 pounds of food.

There is no way that Bob dies two inches from Oregon.

Do you want to change the rations at all, or are we just.

Nah, we just bought more.

Keep it filling, but gruel it.

Well, maybe we should meager it.

Daddies?

Daddies are fighting?

Yeah, headbutt.

All right.

All right.

He hit me, so I guess he wins.

Wade wins.

Violence trumps everything else.

Let's go, boys.

Hey, I've given you the whole trip at grueling.

Grueling, it is.

From Fort Boise, it's 160 miles to the Blue Mountains.

160?

Oh, we're going to get lost like six times.

Everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

It is now November.

Weather's still cool.

Health's still fair.

Keep wife away.

No noting this month.

Literally, nothing is happening.

We're just casually walking.

You are now at the Blue Mountains.

What an easy trip.

Health is fair.

Weather is cold.

And we're at the Blue Mountains.

We can attempt to trade.

There's no store.

This is...

Literally Oregon.

We are in Oregon.

There's no way we don't succeed from here right now.

Well, then we definitely don't need to rest.

We just go.

Are we resting?

Well, Mark, it's Mark's role, right?

Mark, do you want to roll or are we just skipping?

I got a one last time I rolled, so it's negative two.

So definitely no rest.

All right, back to the trail.

Let's go.

We got 860 pounds of food.

Let's get the hell out of here.

How far is it to the other mountains?

Oh, wait.

We have a choice.

We can head for Fort Walla Walla.

or head for the Dalls.

How far is each one?

Do we know?

Doesn't say.

We could look at the map, maybe, if we wanted to know, but.

Ah, well, we don't do that.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

I like the sound of Walla Walla, but the Dalls could be where the gold is.

Oh, I was going to say I like the sound of the Dells.

The Dalls could be where the gold is.

Let's go Dalls.

The fort, they've already taken all the money.

Going to the Dalls.

All right.

No,

oh, no.

I was going to roll for it.

Nah, we came to...

We concisively...

We decisively concised.

Yeah, those forts never really did us any good anyway.

It's 125 miles to the Dalls.

Shit, let's do it.

Plus, we can stop and hunt.

I I still have a whole shitload of bullets to shoot at stuff.

Nah, nah, save them.

We're going to need them.

Nah, save it for the people taking our gold.

All right, let's walk to the Dallas.

A thief comes during the night and steals 11 oxen.

Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him.

I wish I would.

Shoot him, shoot him, shoot him.

He's gone already.

He came in the night.

11 oxen?

That's like half.

11 oxen.

They stole 11 oxen.

Inadequate grass.

Well, now we got to shoot one to make it even again.

Now we have an odd number of oxen.

Very little water.

Severe blizzard lose one day oh we should we stop and reassess why did we go to the dows should we stop and reassess or should we continue gruel gruel we're grueling those thieves are gonna get us we're not gonna wait by the thieves bad water health is very poor bob has more dysentery cold impassable trail lose six days it's november what

It's November 17th.

We're so close.

22 miles to the Dalls.

Bob, just don't shit for 22 miles.

Inadequate grass.

I'm holding it in.

I'm holding it in.

We made it to the Dalls.

Oh, tell me this is the end of the trail.

Where else are we going?

Total miles traveled, 1,771.

We are at the Dalls.

November 19th.

Weather is cold.

Health is very poor.

We can talk to people, attempt to trade, rest, or...

Oh, fuck.

We got to rest here, right?

Very poor.

We got to rest.

Yeah, we got to rest.

It's your role, isn't it?

Yeah, I think it's Mark's role.

Oh, ye of little faith.

I got an eight minus three.

That's five days of pure rest.

Five days of

bliss during these five days.

It is going to be almost December by the time we're done resting.

Our health went all the way up to poor.

Hey!

That's enough to get us there.

We have 575 pounds of food and $102 and 1,982 bullets.

Okay.

Back to the trail.

Try and trade with people.

What do we think?

Yeah, how far are we to our next destination?

Where are we going?

Doesn't tell me until we already passed this choice.

All right, hit the road.

We're grueling.

The trail divides here.

You may float down the Columbia River or take the Barlow Toll Road.

What is your choice?

How much is the toll?

It doesn't say that's, I read you every single word on the entire screen just now.

If we float down the river, we'll have water.

Everyone keeps moaning about the water situation, but also it's winter.

Pole road means it's in good condition.

That's probably true.

We

started this as a banker for a reason.

If this was a farmer, they would be down that river like fools.

If we were a carpenter, they'd be like, I can build a boat.

I can build that.

And they'd be dead.

So we're paying the tolls.

Paying the toll.

Put our faith in the money.

That's why we got it.

You must pay $9.50 to travel the Barlow Road.

Are you willing to do this?

That's so little money.

Easy.

Oh,

pay him 10.

Flax on him a bit.

It's a hundred miles to the Willamette Valley.

Is that where we end the trail?

God knows, Wayne.

I told you, I don't know the first thing about this.

I thought we just had to get to Oregon.

Let's gruel, boys and girls.

This has got to be the last dress.

It's got to be.

You find an abandoned wagon, and there's one set of clothing inside of it.

Hey, perfect.

Put it on Bob.

He's shitting everywhere.

Ah, broken wagon wheel.

Would you like to try and repair it?

No, replace.

No, no.

We got spares.

So I just say no?

Wait, hold on.

My option is: broken wagon wheel.

Would you like to try to repair it?

Yes or no?

No.

You did not repair the broken wagon wheel.

You must replace it with a spare part.

Yeah.

I feel like if you had tried to repair it, you would have gotten ground up in it for some reason.

Right, right, right.

Uneventful.

We have arrived at the Willamette Valley on November 30th, 1848.

Excellent.

And we're there.

This is the end.

Congratulations.

You have made it to Oregon.

Let's see how many points you have received.

Oh, we grueled.

Five people in four health, 1,500 points.

One wagon, 50 points.

Nine oxen, 30.

Oh, yeah, I forgot we lost over half our oxen on that last stretch.

Stupid thief.

36 points.

Eight spare wagon parts, 16 points.

10 sets of clothing, 20 points.

1,982 bullets is worth 39 points.

485 pounds of food, 19 points, 9,250 in cash, 18 points for a total of 1,698 points.

Not gonna lie, I've never won Oregon Trail.

Never.

I don't know that I did either.

I've only heard that you can't win it.

I thought the joke was that it was so impossibly hard that if you actually finished and got to Oregon, it was like a weird miracle and you weren't supposed to do that.

If there's one thing we've learned, it's gruel, hunt, pay for the ferry, and only rest in town.

Guys, we made the top 10 list.

We are the sixth highest score

on the top 10 list.

Stephen Meek has over 7K.

Celinda Hines has 5,600 points.

Andrew Sablette, Ezra Meeker, both in the 2000s.

David Hastings also in the 2000s.

And then us.

What the hell?

They all cheated.

Ours is the only legit score.

We are the sixth best.

Oh, should I put distractable or mark and friend or what?

Distractible, distractible, distractible.

Distractible.

Yeah, we got advertised as free.

Distractable.

We know most of our fan base comes from the Oregon Trail leaderboards.

Distractable is number six at 1,698 points.

How did we do that?

How the hell did we do that?

I don't.

Was that just the stupidest luck ever?

I don't know.

Yeah, I was not making good decisions.

I was doing the opposite of what I would ordinarily do in a game that entire time.

Gruel and starve, gruel and starve.

I don't understand.

I don't either.

We also left during the worst possible month, I would have thought.

Yeah, well, we didn't arrive until December almost.

We traveled into winter.

Yeah, that last stretch was pretty bad, but honestly, you know, most of that was fine.

That's not what I thought the Oregon Trail was going to be like at all.

I'm not going to lie.

Well, we're happy to have popped your Oregon cherry.

I'm not as happy about that, but I'm happy for you.

We did that for you, and I appreciate it.

And Tanya, wife, and boy, are still alive.

Yeah, Tanya survived, our wife survived, and teenage boy, teenage son survived.

On top of us making it, I guess it's time to read the points.

Wade, you earned points for penis nipples, naughty hours, sleepy river, segue point, tanya, rationale, two guns at a time, an equality point, and for popping my cherry, leaving you with nine total points.

Mark, you earned points for what in the fuck did I just say?

You earned perts for uh purple mark, seizure warning mark.

Uh, make sure you censor that, editors.

Yeah, censor that, yeah.

Solipsism, our wife, fuck farmers, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

Fair is fair, through the river and over the woods, woods and d10 minus three leaving you with nine points oh

i've got to be honest i got so into the oregon trail stuff that i sort of stopped paying as much attention to the points so they really they really slowed down but that was that was actually i thought that was going to be miserable i thought we're going to have to like restart that was just fun we did it it was a reason it was a great game when we were young yeah Next Amazon Trail.

That actually is impossible.

It is impossible, but God, it's so fun.

All right.

Oh, there you go.

Oregon Trail to part two, The Amazon Trail or The Wrath of Bezos.

What am I looking at?

Oh, this is the wrong wheel.

This was for something else.

Oh, okay.

I do other, I have other wheels, okay?

I keep other wheels.

Are you cheating on our podcast?

Maybe.

How many bonus points?

That's the real question.

And it's three, just like it always is.

Okay.

Like it always is.

Gotta keep it interesting.

Well, that's good for you, Bob, because we're tied right now.

Past results: three, three, three, two, two, three, three, three.

We never get one.

Oh, one.

Our last one was on June 10th.

Oh, that was three dysenteries ago.

Oh, I had an idea for this, actually.

I wanted to add a fuck you tile to zero points.

That's a good point.

Oh, yeah, that's that's clever.

Just so that we have more.

Fuck him.

Fuck him.

God damn it.

No point.

Fuck you.

No point.

Fuck him.

Three spins.

Starting with.

happiest contributions.

I don't know.

We had some weird dreams.

Mark had probably the least happy contribution with the

which I'm sorry, and I just have to censor again.

Which weirdly,

weirdly enough, wasn't a thing.

And I wasn't exactly the nicest during the game.

Yeah, I think this is Wade, I guess.

Yeah, by default.

I went by default.

Yeah, like Wade wasn't painfully happy, but he was not Mark during this episode.

Can't argue that.

That is true.

Which is funny because happiest doesn't mean funniest.

And I do think some of your stuff was funny, Mark.

It was just also, it was really reckless.

You really risked Tanya a lot.

Okay.

And I like Tanya, I think.

She shit a lot.

She shit.

Basically, I dissident the whole time.

Yeah.

Tanya and I just most callbacks.

Oh, what an applicable thing.

Mark saw two paths.

That's a callback to a previous episode.

Yeah, the two paths callback was probably the best callback to another episode.

I did.

I did.

I did.

We both called back to the same jokes during this one, but Mark had the callback to the two paths.

I did.

I did.

I'd give that to him.

I want to say it's Mark.

Which means that this third spin will be the deciding factor.

Unless it's no point, fuck you.

I'm certain it won't land on no point, fuck you, just to give it to myself.

Or a point for Bob.

Don't do that.

Oh, wait.

What happens if we

do is it?

No, we don't do that.

No, no, no.

No, we've done that tossed of the competitors.

Otherwise, it would always be point for Bob.

I should probably just have shut my mouth and taken that one.

But no wheel of torture for me.

With 11 points, Wade takes the Oregon Trail victory.

I'm on a losing streak.

I was doing so good.

Didn't you host the last episode that I won to host this one?

I'm on a losing streak.

God, I'm on such a bad losing streak.

He's lost one in a row now.

One loss in a row.

I know, I know.

Yeah, feel only so bad for me.

You might have a sponsored loser speech.

Oh, he do.

Wade, why don't you go ahead and give your winner speech first?

Well, I thought this was a really fun episode that hearkened me back to the days of my youth, and I really enjoyed Oregon Trail.

And back then we didn't have nearly as many gaming options but I remember it was like we had Mavis Beacon typing which was kind of like a game and then it was Oregon Trail in school at least I mean at home I guess there were other options but like in school getting a day to play Oregon Trail was so cool so it was really nice to play it again thank you today's loser's speech is brought to us by Venmo you've probably heard of Venmo but did you know that Venmo is for more than paying your friends back with the Venmo debit card you could spend your balance in so many ways you can Venmo this and that and, well, everything.

Sadly for Mark, he couldn't Venmo his way out of being today's loser, but that's okay.

You have a speech, bud?

Loser speech for the loser?

So thank you for taking all of my advice.

I do credit myself with the win of Oregon Trail as a whole, but you know, I still lost, and that doesn't feel fair, but hey, it's probably not fair.

Well, what can you do?

It's almost definitely not fair.

I mean, we all made it to Oregon, and somehow Mark was the only only one of all three of us that lost.

It's weird.

Yeah.

If only I could toss the coin, but Wade wasted it by, you know, arguing about resting.

I think that was strategical.

Wade knew the outcome would be weighted in his favor, and he burned that before he could...

Anyway.

Well, thanks.

Is that...

Are y'all done?

Yeah, I'll find a way to pay my friends back.

I don't like that very much.

Oh, bomb and I'll determine the amount you owe us.

Yeah, I'll send you.

I'll send you a request.

Once again, today's loser speech was brought to you by Venmo.

Whatever your thing is, you can pay for it with the Venmo debit card.

Visit venmo.me/slash debit to learn more.

That's v-e-n-m-o.m-e slash v-e-b-i-t to learn more.

Venmo purchase restrictions apply.

The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Vancorp Bank and A pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated.

Card may be used everywhere.

MasterCard is accepted.

Good game, boys.

That was fun.

I was honestly unsure if that would work, and I can't tell if anyone other than myself had a lot of fun with it, but I enjoyed that immensely.

Wade said he had fun.

I believe you.

Listeners, viewers, thanks so much for hanging out through this.

Don't worry, I didn't show anything on screen, so if you only listened, you didn't miss anything.

If you thought there should have been information that you didn't hear, it's just because we didn't explain it at all.

It's not just you, it's nobody got that.

It's fine.

Make sure you follow the podcast so that you get notifications when episodes go live.

Make sure you follow all of us on our socials and other platforms.

Markiplier, Lord Minion777, Minion 7777,

how many sevens?

Three sevens.

And My Skirm.

That is it for this episode.

Mark.

Mark's not going to host the next one because he's a loser.

Wade's going to host the next one.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

That got mean.

That got mean.

Sorry.

Wade's going to host the next one.

Good job, Wade.

Until then, thanks for watching and listening.

And that's it.

Podcast out.