I Miss The Old Distractible (Part 2)

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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible.

This episode, Musky Mark reports big beavers, sexist maggots, and ape anal ornamentation, then plays Time Lord.

Welching Wade bones his optician, predicts apocalypse, shots himself, and gets cock crunched.

Bewitching Bob explains the birds and the bees, Will Smith's noodle slapping and poops his pants.

From deft dependents to elephantine snakes.

Yeah.

It's time for

I miss the old distractible part two.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Well, well, well,

look who's back again, crawling back to who us at Distractible.

Thought you could stay away for a while, but look, you're addicted.

You're addicted, and that's okay to admit.

You want this.

Yeah.

And we're gonna give it to you.

We're gonna give it to you.

Addiction is the first step to recovery.

It actually is, if you think about it, you have to be addicted to recover in the first place, so congratulations, you are now addicted to us.

And you have a problem, and we're the only solution.

You'll keep wanting more and more of us until it becomes a problem and it'll destroy your life but hey it'll feel good while it's happening.

That's the distractible motto.

Yeah.

And we got Wade cocaine minion 777 Bob

I feel bugs under my skins.

I mean, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Actually, Wade, you should have been heroine because you got no hair and it would have been funny.

Ah, you could be Methoplier.

I'm Methoplier.

Oh, wait, I think I see all of our advertisers leaving.

Where are they going?

What's the one you inject between your toes and it makes your feet fall off?

Foot crack.

I don't know.

We got it.

They call us the foot crack of podcasts.

That's what they say.

Man, I wish they would stop, but they don't.

But welcome back to another episode.

I'm hosting, and boy howdy, do I have a same one for you?

But before we get to that, we're going to get to other things.

Oh,

lots of other things are happening in this episode, and I believe in the we that is going to.

Hey, this is Bob and Wade.

What's up?

How's it going, everybody?

These guys are here to talk all about the small world that they live in with all the drugs that they take.

Who wants to lead it off?

Me.

I want to take the initiative today.

I was telling you guys a little bit about this, but I guess I should let our beautiful viewers and listeners know, too.

I had a similar experience to one of my co-hosts where I had emails and voicemails and text messages from the place where I get my contacts and my glasses.

And I was like, oh man, I wonder what's up.

They're really trying to get a hold of me.

And it's like, you have a balance that's overdue.

If you don't pay it, we're going to turn you over to the collection company.

This and that.

I was like, I thought I just paid this like two weeks ago.

Oh, God, what happened?

I got this miscommunication.

I got to figure out what's going on.

So I called them up.

I waited on the call, had to like select, you know, press three if you want bill.

Done.

Yes, yes, get me through.

There is no one currently available.

Please hold.

Okay, this text came out, but there's no one to talk to about it.

Okay, I'll just wait.

And we had like a 10, 20 minute break.

I spent 10 of those minutes waiting.

This is really important.

I got this taken care of right now.

I don't want to go to a collection company.

Lady answers is like, hey, how can I help you?

I was like, I got this bill.

I got to pay it.

Oh, okay.

Let me see.

Yes.

Verify this info.

Perfect.

Your total is $2.89.

I was like, all right, $289.

What the hell do I $289 for?

$289.

And she said, no, no, no.

$2.89.

$2.89.

Yeah.

Well, why don't you pay your bills?

Fucking deadbeat.

I got contacts.

I got glasses.

I got images taken.

I had the entire like...

You're just leaving your optometrist out to dry here, just not paying what you owe, fair and square.

I don't know.

I don't know how it happened.

I had a full eye exam, pictures, glasses, contacts.

It was expensive.

It costs money.

Contacts and glasses are expensive.

So it was turned over to insurance.

Then it came back.

I went to pick up my glasses.

They told me what I owed.

I paid it.

Where did the 289 come from?

And why do they never owe us 289?

Why do we always owe them another 289?

It was like inflation, like between the time I paid my bill and had my, they're like, oh, price went up.

It's actually interest calculated in the time you were doing your digital payment in the 300 milliseconds it took for your card transaction to process, that screwed a lot of interest.

What kind of loan shark am I working through?

Anyway, I paid my $2.89 that probably had a $5 charge for using a card over the phone.

So I'm sure it's going to be $7.89 by the time it's all said and done.

But all that panic over less than three bucks.

I can't even get a burger for less than three bucks.

Damn.

Yeah, well, that reminds me with the Apple thing where I owe them a penny.

A literal penny.

I haven't heard anything about it since then.

So either they're gearing up the lawsuit machine to really come after me.

In 100 years, you might owe a dollar.

I might.

I might just.

But yeah, no,

that's

unfortunate.

I guess it's more than a penny, but like out of what was probably like $1,000 in bills, $289 felt like a weird thing.

They spent more messaging me than that $2.89.

That's the thing is like they, the amount of money it takes to cost their customer service and the amount of business they lose because they're not talking to people that they could actually get money from they they don't have any kind of catch for when something is just not worth the fight always worth it only losers say it's not worth it i guess there is a weird world where we know they won't fight us for a couple pennies so we always underpay or something i don't know i guess they have to get every penny out of you i don't know you underpay i pay my bills very fairly i'm just saying if people knew that a company wouldn't pursue them if they slightly underpaid their bill, more people would do it.

It's not even really an option in most cases, though.

It's not like, it's not like they're like, you tell us how much you want to, but they send you a thing.

They're like, this is the amount.

Would you like to pay it in full or would you like to play it, pay it in double?

There's a 19% charge if you use a credit card instead of an e-check.

You have to use a credit card.

It's like, what is a fucking terrible system?

Sorry, our e-check system is down.

You must use a credit card.

Yeah.

It's not like you get to choose that generally.

Some of them you do.

I have a someone I do business with semi-regularly uses like QuickBook invoices.

And that one lets me put whatever number I want.

I'm just going to start shaving pennies off just to fuck with those guys.

But

everyone else doesn't want them.

Anyway.

All right, Bob, what's going on in your life?

Who are you in debt to?

Mafia?

Oh, lots of people.

So we recently visited family in Iowa that we were discussing.

Generally, and this is like a theme that comes up in James likes Bluey, and there's several episodes in bluey that deal with like pregnancy and stuff.

And we were trying to explain to him like what a pregnant lady is, right?

We were talking, and it just sort of came up.

And so it's like, oh, who's pregnant?

Is mom pregnant?

Whatever.

But anyway, we were trying to be like, no, no, buddy.

When a person is pregnant, when a woman is pregnant, it means that they have a baby growing in their belly.

And so you might not be able to tell, but like, if you, like, if we see, if you see someone who's pregnant, you need to be careful, right?

Like, they have a baby in the belly.

You gotta be careful with the baby.

It was just a discussion that we had and it was going on in the way things do with like kids, just trying to like teach him stuff.

So we got to the belly gets big because the baby gets big.

And James looks at me and is like, baby in dad's belly?

And I was like, oh, no.

No, no,

dad's just fat.

That's a confusing distinction for you.

Sorry, buddy.

But it was like a funny moment, but it wasn't, everyone was not in on it.

So then after we get back from that trip, we're at dinner with Mandy's parents and James is talking and they're like, everyone's paying attention to James at dinner at a restaurant.

And out of nowhere, he just starts talking about babies.

And he's just like, da-da-da-da-da, pregnant ladies, da-da-da-da-da, babies,

baby in the belly?

No, dad's just fat.

And Mandy's parents did like a spit take.

It was the funniest fucking thing.

Because like out of nowhere, unprompted, he just like remembers the conversation that we had.

And now he just does that.

He'll just walk up and hit me with the like, no, dad's just fat.

And then walk away.

And everyone's kind of like, you taught him that.

I'm like, I know I taught him that.

This is exactly what I was hoping would happen.

That's so funny.

Anyway, he's going to be a funny kid.

It's very funny.

Oh, that is adorable.

I don't have much else going on in my life, so I'm just going to fire through some quick news stories that I got here that I think are, you know, always a crowd pleaser.

Oh, that's a different one.

Wait, what the fuck?

You don't even know what news stories you have.

Oh, this is.

Okay, I'll read you the description.

It's a bit of a showstar.

Bear-sized giant beavers once roamed North America, and they're now the official state fossil of Minnesota.

I would tell you, but the article doesn't load.

What about that is confusing, Mark?

Yeah, beavers can be my state bird any day, or whatever you said.

What did I say, Wade?

What did I say?

Minnesota.

Beaver, big, big beaver.

Big beaver, all right.

What's else?

Oh, big beaver.

I am a lamb.

Minnesota, big beaver.

I am a lamb.

Gotta get that, beavers.

Oh, shit, my speaker fell.

Oh, God.

Oh, you're so funny.

It made my speaker fall down.

I'm pretty sure that's what you said, word for word.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you got it right.

All right, big beaver, Bama Lamb.

I get you.

I get you.

Wade remembered something for once.

Hey, big beavers in Minnesota.

Bear-sized or bees?

They were either bee-sized or bear-sized.

They were big or small beavers.

All right.

If this news isn't tickling your fancy, what about this one?

Billions of flies to be dumped out of planes in an effort to fight flesh-eating maggots known as, quote, man-eater.

Is that one perfectly normal?

Huh?

Yeah, any quips, Bob?

Any quips on that one, Bob?

No, I knew that was happening.

I follow fly news.

Are they...

I assume they're living flies?

I would tell you, but again, the article is not loading.

I can't imagine why it would not be living flies because I don't know if dead flies are going to put up a lot of fight.

But oh, it loaded.

All right, I got it.

Okay, so apparently, they're

apparently

there's always something going on in your periphery that we have no idea what's happening.

I just opened a Chrome tab, but I also have Task Manager open, and it was like

a hundred entries went whoosh and then gone as soon as I looked.

And I'm like, what kind of virus did it explode?

Efficiency.

Efficiency.

My computer is on a precarious line.

I'm shocked it hasn't crashed because DaVinci crashed when I was trying to render that thing.

And it still is there in Task Manager, no matter how many times I close it.

There's still a window that's there with the spinning wheel, but the rest.

And File Explorer has officially died.

It is also completely frozen.

But hey, you have a hundred beaver-sized viruses in your computer.

Anyway, there's a flesh-eating maggot in Texas

that's devastating the beef industry.

Am I wrong about thinking that's what maggots do?

That maggots eat flesh?

Generally, they eat dead flesh.

They don't eat living flesh, is my understanding, but also maybe living flesh usually like swats them away or something.

Yeah, so what are these things like, oh man, I'm getting real tired of this rotten flesh.

I'm going to take a bite of it.

Timmy, don't do it.

I'm going to take a bite of it.

No, don't.

Oh, shit, it's actually, guys, come over.

Try this.

Is that what's going on in the maggot world?

Was that a scene from maggot news?

My number two news source?

A maggot's life, the new movie coming out.

All right, okay, so it's the when the NWS fly larvae, the maggots in question, burrow into the flesh of a living animal, they can cause serious, often deadly damage to the animal.

It can infect livestock, pets, wildlife, and occasionally birds, and in rare cases, people.

But of course, they call it the man-eater because of the people affected, not the rest of it.

Why does it only target men?

Is it a sexist maggot?

Yeah, it is too.

Yeah, God.

It's all kinds of awful.

God, I love this conversation and how itchy it suddenly made me feel all over my everywhere.

Anyway,

they're going to breed a billion flies and drop them over the area to kill old.

I love that song.

And I'd breed a million flies to save all your maggot lives.

You remember that one?

No.

Nothing else great in the news because nothing else great is happening in the world.

Nothing, no more gross stuff?

You got any.

Oh, there's gross stuff.

There's lots of gross stuff.

You want gross stuff?

Not really, but I said it.

All right.

Chimps are sticking grass and sticks in their butts, seemingly as a fashion trend.

That's not gross.

That's hilarious.

Oh, monkeys.

Stop looking at my butthole.

No.

Now you can't see it.

The new fad appears to be a fresh spin on an old fad wearing grass in the ear for chimps.

Which, admittedly, there's a picture of a chimp with grass in his ears.

I'm like, you know, that's pretty fashionable.

I'm not going to lie.

And those chimps are always ahead of their times.

So, which chimp bit the apple and ruined it to where now chimps are realizing they're naked?

Wait, what?

Adam and Eve.

It was an Adam and Eve joke.

I don't even know what they said.

The whole Bible thing.

They didn't know they were naked until after they ate the apple.

And God was like, by the way, your pee-pee's out.

Is that the knowledge that they gained?

That they...

Oh, God.

No, no.

Yeah.

Yeah, he was like, oh, shit, my titties bounce.

And I was like, oh, shit, my balls bounce.

And then they had to cover up.

My summer vacation Bible school went a little differently than yours, I think.

In principle, I guess I'm right there with you.

That's why they call it revealations.

They used to realize they were revealed.

Revealations, yes.

The Old Testament book of revealations.

You know, it was in Snake 26.

He was like, oh, these fuckers.

I thought you were literally just going to be like, he was like,

because he's,

you get it.

Chapter snake, verse 6.

Yep.

Ah, my favorite verse.

Apple, chapter 3, verse 17 through 25.

Ah, my ass!

She bent my ass!

One rule.

There was one rule.

All right.

Well,

that was our biblical segment of the podcast.

Your weekly Bible update from your favorite podcast.

Brought to you by God.

Hey, if we got the God sponsorship, can you imagine?

What would he pay?

I don't know.

Exposure?

Oh, that's what he gave Adam and Eve.

Didn't work out for them, did it?

This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's fruit snacks.

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This episode is brought to you by Universal Pictures Nobody 2.

A couple years ago, Bob Odenkirk showed up out of nowhere as an action star in Nobody, and now he's back in the sequel.

The first one was actually really, really good.

I enjoyed the buildup.

I enjoyed the payoff.

I love the bus scene where he fights those guys.

Produced by 87 North, the same team behind hits like John Wick, Bullet Train, The Fall Guy, Don't Missed, Universal Pictures, Nobody 2.

Only in theaters, August 15th.

Anyway, we're getting into the real episode, which is actually just a fucking lazy rehash of an old episode, which is actually a rehash of even older episodes than this.

I'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel.

I've burst through the bottom of the barrel.

I'm digging downward and I'm pulling out the old bones of old Distractible, where the original host died a long time ago, and we are clones that replace them.

Mark's talking crazy.

Hang on.

I zoned out.

We talked about beavers again.

Anyway, are you boys ready to go back in time and win points that you should have won a long time ago, but didn't because you were bad then and you're funnier now?

Yes.

All right, so we're going to start off with a banger of one of these.

Long ago, in August 16th of 2021, we did an episode called Future.

I want you to go back into the past and win points for future things that you didn't say back then about now, the future.

Who's going to go first?

I don't know.

Are we about to spit a spinner for three minutes?

Wait, how long have we been doing this?

We have an episode from 2021.

When do we start this?

Yeah, absolutely.

I'm going to roll the weird 10 commandments dice that I have here.

Whatever it lands on, I'm going to pick the person that most identifies with that one in my mind.

Okay.

That's who's going to go first.

Come on, fuck thy neighbor, fuck thy neighbor.

Do not murder.

Wade goes first.

Yep, that's definitely Wade.

Is that because I did, or

is that because I would or wouldn't?

Look, man, do you want to go first point or not?

I'll roll it again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give me, give me, give me, I'll kill someone to go first.

Who am I killing?

All right, all right, put them in front of me, put them in front of me.

First person to kill someone goes first.

All right, so just to be clear, I'm going back to the future, but from the perspective of 2021, yes, it's August 16th, 2021, and you need to talk about what the future will be like then.

Now,

I'm seeing in 2024, I think that there will be like a near revolution over the price of eggs.

Okay.

Sorry, I forgot to set a timer.

That's so curious.

That's so crazy.

Well, do we have one of those?

Yeah, it's a teammate thing.

Wow.

All right.

Okay.

Price of eggs are going to be up or down.

What do you think?

Oh, they're going to be sky high.

Okay, price of eggs are going up.

That's crazy, absurd.

And that definitely wouldn't have any worldwide election-based ramification.

Can you imagine if the entire election was decided by the price of eggs?

That's crazy.

Bob?

I, you, you know, those funny

Will Smith eat spaghetti memes?

That's going to change the whole world and it's going to decide an election almost definitely.

And it's only going to be good for humanity, and there's nothing bad about it.

Will Smith, perpetually funny, always loved person, is going to eat spaghetti.

What a weird prediction.

Oh, speaking of Will Smith, he's also going to slap Chris Rock in a very public location.

Did that happen after after?

That happened after this route.

Yeah.

He's going to slap someone.

Chris Rock?

Aren't they like friends?

You would think that.

They seem like they'd be cool, but actually.

That's crazy.

All right.

Back to you, Wade.

All right.

There was Vine.

We've had YouTube.

We had different video sites over the years.

There was the stupid funnies.

But you know what the government's going to get involved with?

TikTok.

They're going to stop TikTok because it's finally the too evil.

They would ban.

Would they have any right to ban TikTok?

I bet they're not going to do it.

I'm just telling you, it's going to come up and it's going to be a big government debate about whether people should watch stupid videos on their phones.

All right.

You got it, Bob.

You know, the electric car guy?

The nerd who

can't speak publicly without sounding like a big dweeb?

He's going to essentially run the government of the United States.

Calling it now.

Ellen Musk is going to be de facto president.

You don't have to count this for points, but I'm going to tack on to what Bob's saying.

This is going to be a Bob booster point.

We're all going to hate him, but our hearts will still go out to him.

Neither of you were willing to commit to the real prediction that he's going to sing high on Capitol O.

What?

That's crazy.

I don't know the future, Mark.

It's August of 2021 right now.

I'm just saying I think that something in that vein is very likely to happen.

Yeah, we punch Nazis in the U.S.

Wade Years was over the timer, so I didn't give you the point, but you know, this is just crazy.

There's no way the future holds this.

Couldn't be.

Who went first?

Wade, you went first.

I could roll the dice for every time it goes first.

No, that would not be.

You're the host, man.

Do what you do.

Do what you think feels right.

You know?

Well, I'm going to roll it.

It's not going to change anything who goes first.

It's still going to be Bob who goes first.

I just want to see

honor the Sabbath.

That one's definitely weighed too somehow.

I don't know how, but that one's definitely weighed.

Anyway, Bob, you're up next.

And

in honoring our Sabbath, we're going to talk about oh shit moments in our past.

And for the description of what this was, is the guys discuss their bathroom close calls.

Expired meat and hospital visits included.

Underwear left behind.

That is the description of oh shit moments from the past.

And go.

I ate a hot dog from a

non-branded gas station.

I'm not going to throw anyone out of the bus.

Feel free to sponsor us gas stations.

And then

I was on campus at UC, and then I shitted my pants while I was trying to gain access to an IHOP carry-out location bathroom, but they wouldn't give me the code, so I had to order a latte while I was shitting my pants.

Wasn't that the same story you told from this very episode?

I don't think so, because that happened after that episode.

Oh, it happened after.

Never mind.

All right.

The story I told during this episode was: I ate some expired meat from the freezer that I made into Pischetti, and then I was driving to visit my friends at Purdue University, and I had to dramatically find a bathroom along the highway, which I pulled into a place that didn't have a bath, a whole thing.

This was different.

I did not do anything unspeakable to the bathroom itself in this new story.

I just had a problem, and my underwear did not survive.

All right, I'm reinstating that point.

Wade,

I had a day where I thought I could eat like I was 14 again, and I had a bunch of candy, and that was basically my lunch.

And then I decided, ooh, you know what?

Some like Indian food sounds really good for dinner.

You know, it goes really good after having Indian food.

It's like a whole pint of ice cream and then a couple of like sodas.

Realized that I was expecting a package in the mail, and I went outside to go check the mail, walked out to the mailbox.

You know, I had a weird diet, so a little fart came out.

And then I knew, oh, God, that was more.

It was more than from the fart.

I felt it.

I knew I was in trouble.

And I had to do that awkward, like, pinch run where you squeeze the cheeks and you run all the way back up the driveway to get into the house.

Cool story, Wade.

James shoot his pants and it leaked in the car.

Did I get it?

Did I get it in?

I think you got it in there.

I think you got it in there.

Okay.

If you want to know more about that story, there's more details, but I just wanted to make sure I got that one in.

We had to take the car seat apart.

It was a whole situation.

We were in Minnesota.

It was not good.

Kind of forgot it it was supposed to be a whole back and forth.

I just really wanted to tell my story.

Yeah, no, I knew that both of you were strategizing about boxing the other one out.

It was very high-level play.

Yeah.

All right, Wade, you're going first.

And hey.

All right, speed round.

I got this.

This one's right up your alley.

Wait.

Oh, I thought this episode was coming.

Well, I already picked it, so.

Do not murder again.

Wade, don't murder.

That's me.

All right.

I don't know.

One day I'll ask for an explanation as to why that's me, but that's me.

I thought this was something else because the episode is titled Dreams and Nightmares, and I thought this was your speech, but it's not.

The guys recount their night tares, the first they remember, and the ones that recur.

Plus, I explore how memory relates to dreams.

So, talk about dreams and talk about nightmares.

Go!

Ben, I had a dream the other night that I was like, this was okay, this was a while ago.

There was some girl who was like in trouble, and I kept trying to save her, but every time I tried to save her, like things just kept going wrong, and I kept going wrong.

I could never save her, and I don't know.

I woke up and I was just really sad, very sad for like two straight days about this fake person I couldn't save.

Couldn't save, save girl, failure.

Okay, Bob.

I had a dream and in the dream, I was driving a car and I couldn't figure out what kind of car it was.

And it didn't really matter, but it made me really mad.

And then when I woke up, I googled cars for like half a day and I couldn't find it.

And I think I imagined it.

All right.

All right.

Mad about it.

Random dream that I was dating or married to someone that we graduated with.

And I had never talked to this person ever.

But all I remember really about the dream is that everywhere she went, she was wearing rollerblades.

She was just skating around the house, skating outside.

She was just always in rollerblades.

I mean, it's pretty cool, but nah, sad.

All right, Bob.

I had a dream that I was, it was a nightmare.

I was taking a really painful.

poop and i kept like waking up and being like oh it was just a dream but then i was still i was on the toilet and then i was back in it and it was like a cyclical like never-ending nightmare of i was trying to get this painful poop out but i kept waking up to being exactly where i was trying to poop that's very funny the never-ending dream all right Wade.

I think I had a close encounter with this somehow.

I can't remember how, but I remember I had a dream or nightmare about sitting on the toilet, and I thought that the seat lifted up and closed and just crunched my penis under it.

And then I was afraid to use the toilet seat for a while.

Oh,

I get that.

That's a valid fear.

That's a valid fear.

The power went out one night, and so I couldn't use my CPAP machine to sleep.

And so I was having trouble sleeping.

And then I just had a bunch of dreams that entire night that I was suffocating because I kept like snoring.

And I'm accustomed to using my CPAP machine now, and it was really really unpleasant.

Well, damn, you sure you weren't actually dying?

I may have.

I mean, it's possible that's not a good thing that that was happening, but there wasn't much I could do about it.

No electricity, no machine that keeps me from dying.

Oh, well, you guys are gonna love the next one.

It's about machines that keep us from dying, or no, no, you guys are gonna love it.

In November 8th, 2021 was the first episode called Old Men.

Oh, no,

We are now much older than this date, but the entire episode was us talking about getting older.

And I want to remind you guys, we were 31, 32 when this episode came out.

What's it like being old now?

Go, Bob.

I told the story last episode about the go-karts, and I will just say that we were also,

we also threw axes as part of my brother's fun birthday thing.

It was like an out of place in a cage where you throw the.

And I had done that before, but it had been like over a year since I'd thrown an axe.

I was like, I know how to do this.

And I stepped up, and it was a really lightweight axe, and I did one throw, and my elbow just went.

And then I couldn't bend my arm for a second, and I was like, oh, I'm dead.

But it just, this was immediately after the go-kart, so it's probably related, but it's bad that when bad things happen now, I don't think, oh, that'll just, that's fine.

I think, it's broken, I'm dead.

I would, I'm gonna pause because I'm gonna sell a story here also about me getting older because

I had said to Amy out loud, and this was my first mistake, man, I haven't hurt my back in a while.

I think me not working out for this long has like given it whatever it was time to heal.

That

night, I pick up one of the computers I'm working with, pull my back.

I had not pulled my back in like six fucking months.

And I think it was because mentally my body was like, oh, you haven't hurt yourself in a while.

Oh, it's that time of year.

And so ever since then, yeah my my shoulder blade area of my back has been a little in pain that's probably fine similar note i didn't have my shoulder surgery because i'm like oh my shoulder's actually doing a lot better literally last night went to lay down and my god because i got not getting my neck comfortable every time i thought i could start to fall asleep just like a sharp pain would shoot up through my neck from my shoulder oh but i'm too old for that surgery now

too old for surgery all right i think that's how it goes all right bob my whole life i've had that thing that i think a lot of if not all, guys have, where no matter how heavy something was, I'd look at it and I'd kind of like try it and be like, I could carry that.

And this exact cabinets, I think it was this one.

I actually almost died because I

all of this was in pieces in the garage.

They dropped it off and I carried them all down by myself.

I didn't ask for help.

I didn't wait until I could get help because I tried it and I was like, I can carry those.

And this one is really tall.

And I was carrying it by myself and it caught on the ceiling.

And I started to bend over backwards while I was walking down the stairs with this.

And I was like, This is going to crush my head or break my neck, or God knows what.

I literally, just by the skin of my teeth, saved it, set it down, stopped what I was doing, and was like, I'm not going to get help.

And then moved all the rest of it by myself anyway.

But I'm getting, I'm clearly getting older because it almost got me this time.

I actually died of old age.

Yeah, that's my bid.

I don't think I could give that point because you're clearly not dead.

I got better.

What if he's undead, not alive, just undead?

Oh, Bob, how do you feel about this?

Do you feel like if this was in that old time, would we have given that point?

Can I remind you of the rules of the last one?

We didn't have to tell the truth.

That was the last one.

I didn't say that here.

It's implied.

It's kind of implied, but he didn't say it, so I'm conflicted.

As a person who would benefit from Wade not getting the point, I feel like I'm obligated to say he shouldn't get that point, obviously.

I'll give you nothing.

I'll take it.

As I declare, unfair.

All right, okay, all right.

I had a feeling that was cute.

I thought you were going to say, I'll give you the point if you can die right now of old age.

Come back.

First one to die live on episode wins.

Here's how it goes.

We're going to flip.

If it's all heads, it was unfair.

And I'll reverse.

I'll let you get that point.

If it's mixed, nothing.

If it's tails, you have to die and come back to life on camera.

All right, fair.

All right, fair.

All right, we all said fair.

All right, here we go.

Three, two, whoa,

heads heads damn nothing happens we all walk away from this marks was tails for anyone who's i was tails sorry tails not watching it wasn't focusing right away so i was like heads heads and blur heads and blurs blur it was close to one but i'm not gonna give that to you all right i was almost 50 50.

okay how about all right wade young and stupid

Oh, we're going.

Yeah, so when I was a kid, I had this little tricycle I like to ride around.

And whenever I was riding it one day, I thought I could pop a wheelie.

I could not pop a wheelie.

And I fell off and bumped my head.

And I didn't like my tricycle anymore.

Okay.

Wheelie failure.

Got it.

I was in eighth grade, young.

My algebra teacher was like, or my geometry teacher was like, What's the Pythagorean theorem?

And I was like, A plus B equals C.

And he was like, They're all squared, idiot.

Stupid.

Okay.

Wait.

Oh, oh, I remember those little ices where you had to clip the top of it off, and you'd squeeze out the icy.

Somehow, I always clipped those things the wrong way, and I would still like somehow shove it in my mouth to the point it would, like, cut the side of my mouth.

And I would always bleed on the stupid, pointy plastic because I don't know what angle I cut it at.

You cut it the long way?

No, no, no.

I still cut the short way.

But it was like the little, the little ends were still pointed some way, like, hurt my mouth.

You were really stupid.

I get it.

Bob.

I was in seventh grade, and I was wearing one of my collectible NFL jerseys, a Steve Young jersey.

Young.

I

set my trombone down on the edge of a counter.

I balanced the bell on the counter and just let it sit there.

And someone else walked by and knocked it over.

And it literally was so destroyed that I think they scrapped it.

Stupid.

Stupid.

You're right.

That is young and stupid.

Wade.

When I was young, I started a really bad habit of biting my nails.

Now I still bite them and I've just hurt my teeth.

Stupid.

All right.

That was great.

Hold on, guys.

Terrible habit.

Don't bite your nails.

That's how you get.

I still remember that TikTok where somebody's like, I said, you're going to get pin worms.

You're going to get pin worms.

Did you ever see that, Bob?

Yes.

Why do you ask me?

Well, you don't look, you're not on TikTok.

Damn it.

You're right.

All right.

Okay.

We're going to go.

Cryptids are scary from January 10th of 2022.

Now, I don't know what cryptids we talked about in that episode, but if I find that you say one of the same cryptids we talked about then, I'll retroactively take the points away.

I'm lying.

Bob, you're up.

Go.

I know something we didn't say in that episode.

Cryptids aren't scary.

That's my whole statement.

All right.

Good statement.

Wade.

In Australia, they have Bon Yip, which looks like a panther in the water eating a manhole.

A man hole?

No, like a man.

Hole.

A hole for a man or a hole of a man?

A hole man.

Speaking of cryptids who live in holes, in South Africa, they have one called the Groot Slang, which is a serpent-slash-elephant hybrid that lives in a cave called the Wonder Hole.

Wait, wait, an elephant snake?

Serpent-elephant hybrid that lives in the wonder hole.

Wait, all right, I got to pause the timer here.

Wait, hold on.

Wait.

What's in a wonder hole?

Who knows what surprise it is?

A wonder hole can hide.

Does it have tusks or a wait?

How is it a hybrid?

Those are the two animals that my brain cannot hybridize.

Do you want to see, Mark?

Yes, I want to see.

We're stopping this.

All right, hang on.

I will show you and you will see.

What the fuck?

You know, I'm not going to let all you viewers out there, it is an elephant-serpent hybrid.

Viewers, you can see that.

Listeners, he's describing it for you, actually.

It's so clear, but I would not know how to describe it more than that to you.

It is, I'm telling telling you, it's an elephant serpent.

What the fuck?

He was right.

Okay.

All right, we're going to start the timer back up.

When Wade, you're going to go and boom.

In Australia, they have another one.

A large, hairy man.

It's called Yowie.

It's called what?

Y-O-W-I-E.

Yaoi.

Are you sure about that?

What was it?

Just describe it again.

Yaoie.

All right.

That's probably the one.

A large, hairy, human-like entity.

It's just a hairy man.

Do you know why I'm laughing?

No.

No, why?

No, it doesn't.

Is it because I'm bald?

No, this is one of the things where the suburb is going to be like, I get why Mark's laughing.

I'm too busy trying to get another point here.

England, a land of milquetoast imagination,

has a decrypted known as the Owl Man.

It's an owl with some man-like features, and it doesn't do anything scary.

It just is an owl man.

In Arkansas, Fuk Monster!

He got it in!

What was it?

Fuck Monster?

It looks like it.

Falk?

Fuch.

It's F-O-U-K-E monster.

K-E monster.

All right, I gotta look this up to confirm that.

It's a hominid or other primate.

I don't know.

There's not much description of it.

I just like the name fuck monster.

We got a Fouke monster.

It's also known as the Boggy Creek Monster.

I don't see any reference to it being called the Fook Monster.

I see that.

If you the Wikipedia has it, yeah.

Okay.

All right.

It's valid.

All right.

That point stands.

There was a film about it.

The Boggy Creek Monster film.

Why were you laughing about the yaoi?

So, yaoi, uh, I think that's what how it's pronounced.

In in the Japanese world of porn, there is, I'm not sure if these are parallels, but there's hentai, and then there's how do you fucking spell it?

It's called yaoi, yeah.

So, that's that's uh, homosexual erotica in Japan.

And when you were like, there's a large hairy man called the yaoi, I was like,

Is there

Sarah Wade?

Why would I know that?

I don't even know what porn's called American.

You're the guy who got got the hentai tattoo.

I gave you the point, man.

Oh, we missed talking about the not deer.

The not deer?

It's not a deer.

It's the not deer.

Okay, all right.

We got time for a couple more, so we're gonna go into this.

It would be really cruel of me to put you guys in the episode of The Funniest Joke in the World.

Yeah, I agree.

We're skipping past that one because this episode was a search for the funniest joke leads the guys down a path of sticking classic joke setups into AI word generators with hysterical results.

Everyone loves that stuff.

So, the only way to do that would be to have you both pull up ChatGPT and have it tell the world's funniest results and see how it compares to backlash.

What if we have to prove that humanity is superior by coming up with funnier jokes ourselves?

That would be great.

If you think you can do it in two minutes,

I'll let you roll with it.

But I feel like the subreddit would be upset and then we'd all be depressed because of how unfunny Chat GPT would be or how funny it would be.

Either option makes everyone sad.

All in agreement.

I wasn't listening.

All right, Wade, you're doing it.

No, I'm just.

You don't even have a subscription to a dude.

He would deserve that, but.

All right.

We're going with the worst piece of shit episode ever.

All right, before we start, I got to tell you why I was zoned out because you started talking about jokes and I kept trying to think of how I could buy a ball at like, like a basketball at an Aldi and end with a Baldi joke, and I couldn't land it.

But that's where my brain was when you said my name.

So I just want you to be on that journey with me that I was working on your topic, but wasn't listening to you actively.

But like Baldy?

Am I funnier than AI, guys?

I have not started the world's worst piece of shit episode ever, Wade.

You gotta say

who's going first on this one?

Wade, it's up to you.

You can't rehash that one.

All right, worst piece of shit episode ever.

It's me.

It's Wade.

Are you done?

That's it.

He's done.

Go.

Oh, okay.

So anyway, I was driving the car the other day.

I was just going to say I was in the car that would do a drive-through.

It's not that funny.

Good one, Wade.

All right.

In this episode,

I don't really have a topic.

So you know what?

We're going to do a tier list.

What is the best episode we've done?

guys?

Uh, I had a great idea for this one.

I actually made a custom GPT and it is gonna host the episode.

I'm just gonna be the avatar for chat GPT, I'm just gonna read whatever it says, and I'm gonna type whatever you say into it.

And I think everyone's gonna be really on board with this,

especially the subreddit.

All right, best Jerry Seinfeld, uh, Seinfeld puns.

Uh, what's the deal with hairline food to get your hair to grow back, guys?

Come on, that's a good one, right?

All right, I had an idea for another bit.

Uh, I was just gonna move my microphone away like this, but then as I was thinking of it, I was like, oh, that's what I did the first time.

That's so fucking meta.

I love it.

All right, Wade, can you get one in?

No,

that counts to the point.

We're just gonna skip that one.

We're gonna take a day off.

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Keep things fresh, it's important, right?

And I'm not just talking about fresh breath.

It's important to switch up your routine whenever you can.

I just, I'm the person who can't help but chew.

You put a bit of mint in your mouth, you're supposed to suck on it, and I'm like,

swallow.

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Alright, we got time for one, one more.

One more.

Unless.

Unless what?

I don't know.

I just like saying that sometimes.

Alright.

Hill I will die on.

It's time for even more hot takes.

For things that you won't let anyone else take you off that hill for.

Ready, Bob?

Uh, yeah.

All right, and go.

I'm on a hill I will die on.

Uh, I'm gonna call the president because he'll know what to do about this meteor that's gonna kill me on this hill.

Uh, No solutions.

I'm gonna call Mark.

Oh, no solutions.

Beamed.

Joey, beamed.

Oh, my farms will save me.

Damn it, Bob.

I can't top that.

How'd you come out here with your ace?

All right, he passed.

I guess it's back to you.

You know it.

Come on, you got it.

All right, my house is slightly elevated.

I live on a slight hill.

I don't like to leave my house.

I'll die here.

All right, he'll die home on the hill.

That's great.

Hill Hill I will die on.

Mark is not good at five nights at Freddy's.

All right, man.

Man, you got all the hot ones.

You're totally right because nowadays I have just nowhere near it.

Like me trying to beat 50.

I thought the other day, I'm going to pause this real quick because I really thought legitimately after I played Secret of the Memo, I was like, maybe I should go back and try to beat 50 mode on a for Ultimate Custom Night.

And I looked up a video of how to beat it.

And then I watched it.

I was like, I ain't doing that shit.

I'm not doing all that.

Jesus Christ, that looks horrible.

I'm not doing that.

How many hours did it take you to beat the first one on like 2020, 20, 20, 20 mode or whatever?

It took seven, right?

Ultimate Customite would take me weeks of practice to get good enough to get there again because I'd have to build up all my skills again.

I'd have to build up my ability to do the clicking.

I'm a bad

FNAF, so you know what?

You may not be done on the hill, it might just be a nice hill.

All right, and Wade, your turn.

When it comes to like Donald Trump, Elon Musk,

And I would die on that hill.

Okay.

How did you get your voice to robotically like decay like it did?

It was really.

That was complete coincidence because all I did was click the mic button to mute.

All right, good, good.

I think, I'm not sure, but good.

Bob?

Wade is going to win this episode.

And despite how insane that may seem, I will die on this hill.

All right.

This is a weird conditional bet point that i'm gonna we're gonna come back after this round ends and talk about how that's gonna play wade is going to win this episode that is a hill i will also die on interesting all right we're covering the bases okay all right back to oh no too late okay so both are gonna die on the hill that wade is gonna win may the best of us win so in this episode there was no lying right so i didn't lie I've probably lied multiple times, but you don't know when.

Okay, fine.

All right.

That's good enough.

We're going to end it there.

Man, I've never written more shit, so this is going to take a little second.

Holy hell.

A lot going around, and thank you for not lying and telling the truth, everybody.

This was

a big, big, big moment for all of us.

Wade, you're going to go first?

You got Nickelbag, 289 in debt, big.

I don't want to say this.

You have to.

No, because it's a slur.

Excuse me?

You said, I don't know.

It's just, I don't want to.

Oh,

that's what I wrote down as you saying, but you didn't.

No, no, no.

No, you didn't.

You didn't say it.

You didn't say it.

You're okay.

Okay, good.

Yeah, no, I think it's big boner bana lamb.

But that middle word I thought said something else.

God damn.

Yeah, Wade, what the hell?

Why'd you say that?

I remember.

When did we talk about?

I thought we talked about beavers.

That was it!

Big beaver!

That was it.

All right, we got there.

Is that a slur now?

I know what word he thought it was.

I don't.

Does that make me terrible or naive?

You need to work on those V's, Mark.

Yeah, I do.

I really got it.

Okay, so you get that.

You got Revelations, Chapter Snake, or yeah.

Revealations.

Roll for you rolled to go first.

That's five.

Price of eggs going up.

TikTok government.

Penguin waddle.

Couldn't save a girl in your dreams.

You failed.

Dating a married slash married a high school rollerblader.

Crushed penis with toilet.

Shoulder surgery too old for fixed tricycle.

Tricycle something.

Wheelie failure.

Icy, wrong cut, bites, nails, bon yip, that's 16.

Manhole, hairy man yowie, you get the point for that.

Hook monster, it's Wade.

Tier list, that's 20.

Jerry Seinfeld puns, quote, no,

he'll die on Home Hill.

Donald Trump, beep, and then Wade also is going to win this episode.

That's 25 points if you were.

I just want to clarify one of your points where Wade marries a high schooler on Rollerblades.

Went to high school together, not a high schooler.

Just want to be 100% clear on that.

We were in high school at the same time.

That's a good clarification.

That's a good one.

Yeah, I just, you know, between my slurs and marrying high school students, I wanted to be clear.

So, Bob, no, dad's just fat.

Will Smith eat spaghetti.

Will Smith will slap someone.

No, Chris Rock.

Elon Musk is going to run the government.

Hot dog gas station toilet.

James Shat, the car, had to take the seats apart.

Driving mad googled car.

Wait, did I put up a finger when I said that?

No.

No, Will Smith slap.

Elon Musk was a hot dog guest station.

James

driving that goo core.

That did.

Nightmare mid-poop.

Kept coming back to it.

C Pap might have been dying, throwing axe's elbow explode.

Died trying to carry cabinet.

And also, I'm still not going to get help.

Eighth grade, Young.

11th grade, Steve Young.

Cryptids aren't scary.

That's 15.

South Africa.

South Africa

ghost thing, Amabob.

Anyway, I'll give you a moment point because I doubted you, but you were absolutely right.

It did exist.

Owlman.

Advac?

Bad knack?

Bad Mike?

Bad Mike.

That was it.

Bad Mike.

You're totally right.

Bad Mike.

That's it.

Chat GPT episode.

Meta Mike Joke.

You did it again.

So, 7, 20, 22.

No, did I?

Ah, fuck.

God.

You couldn't write them down.

Fucking hell.

You were folly.

What did I?

Ah, fuck.

I gotta go back to the string beginning.

All right.

Okay.

Lenny's Chat GPT episode.

MetaMike joke.

Hill president callback.

Bad at FNAF.

Wade

will win this episode.

24.

It's 25 to 24.

Jesus.

Wow.

God.

Man.

I can't give this many points again because I can't fucking keep dragging it.

Did we already use it?

We already used the coin this episode, right?

That's this episode?

You busted it out super early.

Yeah, he was being real fair because the coin said it was.

I want to add to it, current record holder for most points, which right now I think weighed with 25 points.

That is probably the highest point that has ever happened.

Now, this could change by the end of this episode, depending if Bob makes a comeback.

But we're going to set...

I think I might have given someone 28 at some point.

Oh, maybe.

Oh, well, then we're going to have to do some digging.

God damn it.

Yeah, hang on.

Let me do some research here.

Oh, I have Mark with 25 points for 20Q part two.

I have Bob's Secret Words.

Wade got 29 points.

All right.

So Wade would still be the current record holder.

29.

Okay.

Bad excuses.

Bob had 26.

Holy cripes.

Whoa.

Wade has 41 points in AI or cake in my book.

Holy shit.

What happened that episode?

Look how many fucking points there are in here.

Holy shit.

This is just a whole shitload of points.

I topped it.

Secret Words Part 2.

I hosted.

You guys started with 100 points and lost.

Okay, let's make a qualification that it has to start from zero for that qualification to work because otherwise it would be all.

Okay, well, if not, Bob had 99 points on that one.

I don't think we can go by that.

Let's just say current record holder for most starting from zero points, which would be you weighed at what 41?

I think that's my biggest one.

Yeah.

Damn.

Okay.

Well, it's not like this will be landed on a bunch.

So whoever can top 41 will then earn this will be their thing, but this will be an entry that can rotate.

All right.

Let's see.

Okay.

We love a three.

We love a three.

Three it is, baby.

All right.

And reminder: score is 25 way to 24, Bob.

Big chance for comeback here.

Or sudden death.

Let's do that one.

Drop the most items.

I didn't drop anything.

I've been fidgeting with this and dropping it repeatedly, as well as dropping all of the things that are now gross I put in my mouth.

That's a point for Bob.

We're tied up again.

I'm going to go ahead and shuffle, shuffle, and then spin again.

Half point for Bob.

Oh, half point for Bob.

Only a half point for me or sudden death.

Well, that is 25.5.

You're right.

All right.

Last one.

Come on.

Half point for Win.

You can do it.

Oh.

Most locked in.

Wade was not paying attention multiple times there.

I did feel like I had some good ones this episode, too.

You did have some great ones.

I'm okay conceding that one without a fight.

That was, you did.

You were locked in today.

Yep.

Locked in.

Wow.

That is quite the comeback.

And that puts you up at 26 and a half points to Wade's 25.

The wheel hath spoken.

Bob, congratulations.

You are this week's winner.

I am the greatest.

Bob, winner speech.

It's been a minute, but it always feels good to win.

It especially feels good to win in an episode where I'm not exactly sure if both mine or Wade's points were accurately counted in the end.

And it really just came down to taking advantage of what I had in front of me, which was clicking the wheel and not at all influencing what it stopped on.

It has to be because we no longer have a coin usage, so yeah, fair.

Wade, are you sponsored?

I think, I think he is, yeah.

Today's loser speech is brought to you by Venmo.

So, you probably heard of Venmo, but did you know that Venmo is for more than paying your friends back?

With the Venmo debit card, you can spend your balance in so many ways.

You can Venmo this, that, and well, everything.

Sadly for me, I can't Venmo my way out of being today's loser.

It was a hard-fought game.

I honestly gotta...

I have to concede to Bob, he had three or four moments that were just pure solid gold that he often does whenever he gets a chance to riff.

And I couldn't compete with that.

I tried throwing my hat in the ring here and there to see if I could hold my own, and I even got the upper hand for a moment, but fate decided correctly that he was in fact today's winner.

I concede.

And once again, today's loser speech was brought to you by Venmo.

Whatever your thing is, you can pay for it with a Venmo debit card.

Visit venmo.me/slash debit to learn more.

Venmo purchase restrictions apply.

The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bangkok Bank NA pursuant to license by MasterCard International Incorporated.

Card may be used everywhere.

MasterCard is accepted.

Well, that is very gracious of you to bring us revenue and also lose so incredibly well.

Thank you, everybody, so much for listening.

I hope you enjoyed this episode.

I'm going to...

I'm going to lean on this

topic every time I can't come up with an idea or I'm blowing all in there.

Oh, man, unless Bob and I do it too to help you get through it fast.

No, no, no, I'm treadmarking it, I'm copying it.

Only me, only me.

I'm feeling a weird part two and three coming along.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

All right, anyway, thank you everybody so much for watching.

Merch very soon.

It's it's already in your dreams.

Thank you.

Anyway, follow the podcast.

Be sure to do it.

It makes us feel really good.

Every time you press that button, all of us go, ah,

don't you want that?

Come back to us next week for you and more.

Podcast out.

This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's fruit snacks.

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