Illegal Advice Too

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This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet.

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Good evening, gentle listeners and watchers, and welcome to Distractible.

This episode: Mosquito masquerade Mark gets ponderous party performance and asks the gents for remedies to rage.

Bouncing Bob nearly loses James, suggests a stitch-up.

Miasmas creed cripplings and cloning.

Wise guy Wade gets vandalized by Serve Day, advises stuffing tailpipes, Jason, Hammer Time, and Steve Rogers.

From lint-free nostrils to kissypedes.

Yes!

It's time for illegal advice too.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

What is up people?

No, don't start it that way.

Nope, that's it.

We're in.

And welcome to Distractible.

I'm your host, Mark Aquire here, back at it again with another hosting of an incredible episode that you're going to love in every way possible.

We don't believe in cold opens here.

This is the beginning, and no one can say otherwise, right?

And how?

And how do we do this episode?

Well, the same way we do every episode, I'm the judge.

I am soliciting these two gentlemen here to my whims.

They can accept or not.

I guess it's always optional.

It's all you, man.

The doors lock um every time we start an episode when the recording starts doors can't open there's no evidence of me ever leaving is my camera in like two frames per second or am i losing my mind you all right i'm gonna do this for a while editors make multiple clones of him and overlay it so he's moving like a centipede

all right so in this uh game today we're gonna have a great time we're gonna have a great time points to the person who has the best time oh you already figured out your wheel spin yeah i think that's me i'm having the best time mark that could mean multiple things i will have that added to the wheel best time um either you're having a great time or you did the episode in record time you won with the least amount of moves oh that's pretty fun that is interesting i like that is that the grand master win yeah something like that oh but before we do that we got to hear about our lives um i can i as much as i want to kick it off with my life and the amazing things going on here i guess i have to defer to these two gentlemen here whose lives are equally as interesting interesting, chock full of adventure, and I can't wait to hear about it.

It's warm out now, and that's really fun for James because it means we get to go back to the playgrounds and stuff.

And we did that yesterday, and he had a hell of a time.

Before it got cold, when we were going to the playgrounds, like the end of last summer, he was walking, but he was small enough that it was kind of like we had to chase him around basically.

Because at any moment, he might just like fall off an edge or do something crazy.

And so we would, and he's like really independent now, which is awesome.

But I forgot one important fact about the playground that we take him to a lot.

It's like one of those old school, like, wooden castle-style playgrounds.

Super fun.

There's an area with a really fun slide, and he was, I was letting him climb up on his own and go up there to go on the slide.

But right next to the slide, they made this feature where it's like tractor tires stacked up, and the middle of the tractor tires is a hole down all the way to the ground.

And you're, it's meant for kids to like climb down the tires, like they're ladders.

And then there's like some chains and like, it's for climbing, but James is not tall enough or coordinated enough to climb on something like that.

So I let him go up there.

And then he got to the slide and he was like, slide big tires.

And I was like, what do you mean, big tires?

Because it's like up on the second level.

And I'm like, what?

Big tire.

And he went and he just like leaned over the hole.

And I was just like, I forgot that was there.

And I I ran and dove under the bottom of it and was like face up under the hole.

And I was like, go down to slide.

And he just looked at me for a second and was like,

oh yeah, slide.

All right.

I won't jump down the suicide hole yet.

Like it was the,

because when we got to the playground, I was like, all right, let's see how this goes.

And he started climbing on his own.

And I was like, this is cool.

He's so, he's having so much fun.

And then he was like, I'm going to go on the slide and started climbing up.

And I was like, oh man, big tire.

Like, whoa, fucking shit.

Why did they put, why did they put a jump hole in this play set?

God.

Anyway, he's fine.

And he went down the slide about 20 times.

He would just, but like half of the times, I continued to let him go up on his own.

And like half the times he'd get up there and be like, big tires?

And I had to be like, we're going on the slide, buddy.

Remember the slide.

Yeah.

But anyway, it was super fun.

And And only twice did I almost think he was about to break his entire self jumping down a big hole for no reason onto hard ground below.

Also, we throw a lady her cell phone.

Oh, really funny.

This poor mom was chasing her kid around who was more in the needs adult supervision, very directly stage still, younger than James.

And she like went down the slide in front of James.

like frantically like, ah, where'd you go, baby?

And her phone fell out of her pocket on the top of the slide.

And James is just sitting there with with this stranger's phone in his hands, just like, hmm, mine now.

And she's at the bottom of the slide, like, give me my phone, baby.

Give me my phone.

And he like contemplated.

And

eventually he was like, oh, okay.

And tossed it down the slide.

And it was very nice.

So I thought I was about to have to go wrangle my son from stealing a stranger's cell phone at the playground.

I thought you'd go up there and be like, oh, you found us a new phone.

Thanks, baby.

And then like leave with it.

Now, James, ask for money for this.

Oh, yeah.

200 bucks but it was i'm so excited it's gonna be a great playground year for this man he's about to have a lot of near-death experiences that make me my pants only a little bit big tires big tires big tires so that's my that's my day that was great the adventure that is a parenthood neither of us know anything about it You mean you and Wade.

I was going to say, I know a little bit.

No, none of us know anything about it.

Oh, so you know all about it do you bob you got the book on it eh compared to you guys i'm like the stephen hawking of parenthood that's probably true yeah or the lebron james of parenthood just slam dunking that baby

blocking babies off the back board complaining to the refs when the baby trips me going like this

That was for the viewers out there.

Listeners, you have no idea what I just did.

You have no idea.

You don't know what he did, but it was hilarious.

You better start watching.

Did you guys know, did we tell anybody that we came back to YouTube?

I don't know if we actually ever said that out loud in an episode or not.

We're still on Spotify still.

Still on Spotify, baby.

We love Spotify.

Almost as much as I love Prusa.

Yeah, yeah, I saw that one.

You already got your prune juice points.

I will say, the world of 3D printing is both as cool and very uncool as I thought it would be.

I will not explain why.

I will not expound into it.

It's Wade's turn to talk.

Thank you.

Mark, I think you're going to relate to my small talk a little bit.

Okay.

The deer.

The damn deer, man.

Yes.

I'm giving you a point right away.

I don't even know what it's about, but I know.

Outside, it is nice.

It's warming up.

But here in Cincinnati, we had a lot of snow.

And we had a really wet period where it was like snow and rain and snow and rain.

And apparently, the deer going through our yard, I don't know what happened, but they have made a muck of everything.

There's just deer prints and hooves.

Molly has bird feeders.

The bird feeders are like half destroyed.

One of them's like half buried in the mud.

It looks like the Planet of the Apes scene where like the statue of Liberty heads on the ground or whatever.

It's just a total nightmare out there.

And around every spot of our yard that looks awful, deer hoof prints everywhere.

Annihilated it.

Well, you should annihilate them back.

I thought about putting on some deer hoof-shaped shoes and walking on them, and then I realized none of that would work.

So I'm still working on a plan.

Yeah, what would that do?

Would it attract the deer?

Would it make you be able to sneak up on the deer?

What's the objective?

I don't think they would attract them unless they're like the step on me, waiting.

Like, I don't know if they'd like that.

They're freaks, those deers.

They probably would.

For all you hunters out there, recommend what type of tank, what tank best kills here you're gonna say for all you hunters out there go to wade's house

we'll post wade's address in the comments of this video uh go just stake out a big circle around his whole property here it is in morse code for the listeners this is his address

Here's a little patch of what sounds like white noise, but if you analyze it correctly, it actually contains a lot of personal information, including his address.

If you pull it up into an audio editing software and look at the spectrograph, you'll see his house and a map to it in the audio file.

I'm going to wake up like, ooh, open the curtains, just be nothing but deer blinds, my entire yard.

Deer blinds?

That's what they're called, right?

The things they're called?

The things people post up in the hunt deer?

That's the that's the thing.

Yeah, hunting blinds is where you

like up in a tree or like a little tent on the ground and you go and you wait in there.

I've never been hunting.

Can you tell?

I haven't either, but I've played hunting video games, so I'm familiar.

I have one time, and I didn't shoot anything because I couldn't bring myself to it.

But my friend was a hunter, and he's like, Yeah, you gotta come with me.

I hated every second of it.

I was like, Oh god, I hope you miss.

I was like the anti-hunter.

I was like, Do I tackle him to save the deer?

What do I do?

Did he miss?

Did he miss?

No.

Do you think my 22 could take out a deer?

Oh, yeah.

If you hit the right spot, I guess.

Yeah, if you hit exactly in the right spot, it could take out anything.

It was not a pleasant experience for me.

I've always admitted to being a hypocrite.

I can eat meat, but if I had to hunt my own food, I would starve to death.

I would, I like, I don't like the idea of unnecessary killing of pretty much anything.

Some things are, I'm going to say, I'm going to say, I'm saying it.

Some things

deserve to die.

Let's just be clear.

Let's be open.

Let's all get it out there.

We all think this.

There are okay Pennsylvanians.

There are okay some, but I'm just saying.

What are we live on stage in Pittsburgh?

Hey, it's better than what happened with Tyler and France.

Or Ethan in the Berg.

Oh, Ethan wasn't even offensive, but Tyler in France was a whole special kind of fun.

I felt pretty offended by Ethan's Berg.

Nah, he's harmless.

He's just a funny guy.

Yeah.

I even think they didn't understand that they were being made fun of.

Well, that's because it was so bad.

It's like that can't be our accent.

That must be some weird American bit.

Nah, they don't know they're in Europe yet.

I just love that we started off like pretty sure.

We're like, all right, we're not going to do any funny accents.

We're just going to do our show normally.

And the first thing Ethan did was the berg.

Well, that's because with Ethan, and you boys know this, is whenever you're talking to him, in his head is his joke.

He's got ready.

He's practicing it.

He's just

in his head on loop as we're telling him.

No accent.

Yeah, accent.

You remember how he would always like you would say something to it, and he would say it again under his breath?

He turned into like a Beavis and butthead character.

Exit.

I missed the show, man.

Anyway,

some things deserve to die is where I ended that.

Some things deserve to die.

No more information needed.

Listen, I think we can all agree mosquitoes, they deserve to die.

Do they do anything good in the ecosystem?

Nothing.

I feel like a lot of stuff you would be like, yeah, it does this.

I don't know that mosquitoes do anything valuable whatsoever.

They just pass around communicable blood-borne diseases.

Yeah, there's flies for eating.

There doesn't need to be mosquitoes.

Flies serve a purpose.

Mosquitoes, just a menace.

Same with deer.

No purpose.

Incinerate them.

Incinerate them.

I hate watching deer go around with their big creboscus sucking blood out of wolves and coyotes.

Good.

Can you imagine?

A vampire deer.

Would a deer mosquito be called?

A daqueto?

No.

That's probably it, yeah.

Maskier.

The mosqueer.

That sounds very mysterious.

This episode is brought to you by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet.

I'm sure everyone can agree with me when I say that nowadays, everything in your house keeps getting smarter.

Smart speakers, smart mirror, smart toaster, smart coffee maker, smart shoes, smart carpet, everything.

What isn't smart?

Luckily, T-Mobile 5G Home Internet makes it easy to keep all your devices connected.

With their quick, one-cord setup, you can hop online in literally 15 minutes or less.

They've also got fast speeds, a price that works for any budget, and a five-year price guarantee.

So if you're looking for internet that keeps up with you, connect to T-Mobile Home Internet for their fast 5G speeds, easy 15-minute setup, and 5-year price guarantee.

Visit t-mobile.com/slash home internet to check availability.

Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.

Service delivered via 5G network.

Speeds vary due to factors affecting cellular networks.

Guarantee exclusions and details at tmobile.com slash home internet.

This episode is brought to you by Minto's Gum.

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All right, I got a conundrum.

I got a story.

No, it's not a conundrum.

I don't need a puzzle solved.

Well, maybe I did.

In the past, if I'd have known, maybe I could have gotten through this, but I didn't.

While all the editors were in town, this is a true story.

We had done a full week editing and we were going to go out and eat.

Now, we had thought about going to the place where we're family, but we decided against that.

What's that?

Apple Deece?

No, you fool.

It's the place where you're family.

When you're there, you're family.

Toots?

When you're there, you're family.

White Castle?

When you're there, your family.

Disney World?

No, when you're there, you're magic.

When you're there,

family.

Perkins?

Casa Bonita?

Is that a real restaurant?

Casa Bonita.

Casa Bonita.

It is a real place, but it's a South Park joke.

Okay.

All right.

Well, no, we weren't there anyway.

It doesn't matter.

What is it?

I don't know the advertising for this place.

I'll tell you later.

I'll tell you later.

Okay.

When you're there, your family, wherever the fuck there is.

Because this story isn't about us going to the place where your family is.

We didn't go that night.

It's a different place.

We all went in there, and I should have known it was going to be

a kerfuffle when we got up to the host stand and the guy looked at us.

I was like, How many?

And we're like, We got eight.

And he goes,

and starts looking around like this.

And I would think he would look at his computer that says all of

the tables.

He starts going,

Well, you've been hosting long enough, you could smell the open seats, you know.

Well, it was open everywhere.

That was the thing.

It was not busy, but he goes, looks around, he goes, like, I'll find you, I'll find you a waiter.

And then he runs off and he comes back with no one.

And he says, like, all right,

we'll go to your seat and we go over we get sat and there's other people in here and you know uh it's fine just normal we didn't think anyone was weird it took like 20 minutes for someone to come by and it was the same guy being like so sorry getting you a waiter i thought he was gonna like put on a mustache be like all right i'll be your waiter

get you all something to drink No, no.

And then five minutes later, pretty quickly,

he brings this waitress and she takes our drink order.

And then it's okay.

I was like, we'll be right back.

And then 20 minutes passed by.

This lady was gone.

Eight is probably a large number for places.

It was so empty, so empty in there.

And the other side of the restaurant was packed with waiters and people eating, having a great time.

Oh, that's the eating section.

You were in the waiting section.

Well, she gets our drinks after a little bit, and we bring them over and we put in like some appetizers.

And some people, for some reason, are like, oh, I haven't thought about what we're eating yet.

We've been here for an hour, and I have no idea what I want.

Editors, if you're watching, not you, but you know who you are.

It's, yeah, not them, but it's the other ones.

You know, the other ones, you know what I mean?

We order.

She comes.

She goes away.

15 minutes pass by.

She comes back, hits the other tables, leaves, not us, comes back with two appetizers.

Five minutes later, puts in front of me and someone in the middle of the table.

We're just like, do we wait?

At this point, you at least have salad or breadsticks or something, right?

No.

Oh, and three people at the end haven't gotten their drinks yet.

I had to reach over.

Well, what she did, I totally forgot.

When she brought the drinks, she set out some of them, set the tray down on the table next to us, and left.

And I had to go grab them off of the tray from the other table and pass them down the table to the other people.

That was a minor thing when things started to go weird.

We finally order.

And meanwhile, people are getting seated in our area as we're ordering food.

They get their drinks, appetizers, and their full meals before we finish getting getting our appetizers.

And there's eight of us.

That's not an extra.

Anyway, so

I need advice.

Potentially illegal advice on how you guys would remedy this situation, starting with hedge is bob.

Wait.

What'd you do?

Actually, me is a bitch, and I would just deal with it and be annoyed, but I would just deal with it.

I'm putting it down to point for actually a bitch.

that's just the truth of the matter i i very much when i'm at a restaurant whatever happens unless my food's wrong then i'm nice but i'm like hey this is wrong can i get it fixed i will not eat bad i want my food right but uh as far as like bad service i just deal with it i'm like you know this sucks they're probably having a shit day i can get mad but what's that gonna do that might spit my food i'm just gonna

suck it up and deal with it do you want some good illegal advice yes i do at this particular place i believe you do get bread so i would get the bread.

I would stuff some in a bag or just hide it or just ask for some more to go.

Just keep getting bread.

Wait outside, like hiding in a bush until close.

Figure out where this person's car is.

And then now that you know which car is theirs, you come back the next day and you stuff all the bread in their exhaust pipes.

When they go to leave, their car just explodes.

That'll fucking teach them.

That is a slow burn and an explosive ending.

I like that.

It's a really long, that wire that catches fire before the dynamite explodes.

Fuse?

That's the worst.

That's the word.

Fuse?

That's the word.

I'm going to be.

You guys realize the older I get, the scarier I will become because I have the worst memory of anyone I know right now.

And it's all downhill from here.

When I can't remember the word fuse.

I guess my thing is there's a lot of words I don't remember.

Just use a different word.

I go descriptor.

I'm like, you know, I can't think of the thing I'm thinking of.

So long fire cord leads to dynamite booms.

I mean, it was effective.

It sounded like it didn't work out.

I like it because the time it takes to get to the tailpipe that you know is theirs, the bread has gone more stale.

So it really compacts in there.

And everyone knows, just like a critical point on a boss, big red and glowing the tailpipe, shove some in there, whole car blows up.

Yeah, and as they're like screaming for help, you drop a banner that just says, we'll be right with you.

And then remember us, party of eight in parentheses.

Signed sincerely, the Markler editing team.

Make sure they really know.

And then you get some art made of you guys at the table so that they really know.

The gift picture they took at the end that cost us 40 bucks.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Good, good.

Bob?

All right.

This, this one, this approach requires a quick snap decision.

I'm not saying you'll never get it wrong, but I am saying you have to be really thoughtful because what you want to do, if you reach the point of like service is too long, clearly your waiter is distracted or something has happened, whatever, what you do is you don't leave.

You're still going to eat.

You're already at the restaurant and like it's, it would take so long to get somewhere.

It's not like you're going to save time going somewhere else.

But if you want to speed up, you go out, step out, excuse yourself, go out to the car, grab your eight ball of cocaine that you keep in the car purely for planting evidence purposes.

Go back inside, ask an employee where the bathroom is and look kind of lost, and wander your way back to the employee locker room.

You noticed the name on the waiter's name tag before all of this started, so find the locker that has their name on it.

Stick that in there, go back to your table, get the manager's attention, let them know that you saw some white powder substance or something on a waiter's nose, and you have some concerns, they're behaving erratically, whatever.

Cops will be there in 10 minutes.

You'll get a new waiter.

Service will be impeccable.

The manager will see to it that you get everything you want so that you don't do anything crazy and talk about their coked-up waiter who wouldn't bring you your drinks and appetizers.

I believe it would work.

How much is an eight-ball?

How much is that?

I honestly don't know.

I know that term from like crime, procedural crime drama TV shows.

I assume an eight ball is either eight ounces

or, yeah, or magic eight ball size.

If you buy the whole rack of 15, it's one fifteenth the price.

Okay, that's weird.

Eight ball refers to 3.5 grams of cocaine.

Oh, because it's 1 eighth of an ounce.

Why wouldn't it say that first?

That must be how much a 8-ball in a billiard set weighs.

3.5 ounces.

That's probably right.

I also know the term nickelbag from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

No, it's pronounced nickelback.

Give Give me those drugs.

Give me those drugs.

Look at these drugs.

Every time I do, they make me high.

I think we both went the wrong way on this, Bob.

What did Mark say at the start?

He's like, when you're here, you're family or whatever.

So what we should have done is we should have kidnapped the waiter or waitress, taken them someplace, concreted their feet.

And then when they ask why, we go, because we were family.

You didn't treat us like family.

You let down the family and but a better accent than that yeah what accent was that was that were you trying to be like a mobster or something i'm oh mob but yeah i was supposed to be you let down the family you let down the family hey tony

give me some of that gaba ghoul i need some pasta fazul

now we're never gonna now you guys are never gonna know where the place where your family is i I think I figured out where it is.

Oh, okay.

Well, bonus points if you do it.

It's uh it's Chuck E.

Cheese.

Nope.

No, isn't that Olive Garden slogan?

It is Olive Garden.

Yeah, that's why I said the salad and breadsticks, because fazolis.

Well, I was, I did that cryptically because the

Portuguese didn't know about Olive Garden.

They probably did, but I assumed that they didn't.

Was there a big rivalry between Olive Garden and Portugal?

Say they hadn't seen Edward Burbach's video about Olive Garden.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I got another option.

Mine involves, okay, in this universe, you're close personal friends with Vin Diesel.

You call Vin, you tell him you're at a restaurant where they claim that when you're here, you're family.

And then he gets outraged for you.

And Vin Diesel comes into the Olive Garden and just starts shouting at everyone.

It's about family.

And then they're all like, Vin Diesel, and your service is actually way worse.

But Vin Diesel's there.

All right, it is an option.

All right, but what if you find your service?

I don't have another one.

And you have a kid, and you leave the kid on their doorstep as your final revenge.

They've got to raise your kid with their crush.

That'll teach them.

That'll fucking teach him.

All right, what you do is you reach into the novelty pumpkin Halloween candy container that you use as a purse and you pull out cans of spaghettios that you always carry with you just in case.

And then since it's Italian food, nobody notices and you just eat cold spaghettios right out of the can because you're family.

I thought you were.

Alright, okay.

What you do is you help them hook up where they get to have sex.

But it turns out they're at Camp Crystal Lake where having sex is a death sentence and then Jason Voorhees comes and machetes them.

So you move the restaurant secretly to no, just their fuck time.

All right, this olive garden is on the moon.

You're inside where nobody has spacesuits on.

You look at your waiter when you finally get her attention and you say, Hey, excuse me, I think one of our party is outside trying to find the entrance.

Would you mind peeking out the door and letting them know how to enter the restaurant?

And without thinking, they go to the door and crack it open to peek out, but they don't have a space suit on.

And they get sucked out into space and they freeze to death on the surface of the moon.

And then you get spaghetti from someone else.

All right, well done.

I think that was pretty good.

Does any of that solve your problem?

All of them solve it.

All of them solve it.

Problem solved forever.

I can't believe you did an entire episode about Olive Garden.

All right, we got some more, Bob.

I hello.

Let's go back.

You're in the peach in the claymation movie, James and the Giant Peach.

You're the spider.

James is the waiter.

What you do is you kill him.

That's it.

That's great, guys.

You really tapped into it.

Very, very illegal.

All of those.

I think we're on it.

Yeah, I think we're really on this, wade oh man that's great okay what about something a little you know less devastating so this happens every time i travel like i'm flying i check my bags i get them free because fucking diamond medallion me over here holy three free bags or something unbelievable even they could be even me overweight they don't even care they don't even care not southwest anymore apparently do you see what they're they're getting away with their they're giving they're stopping their one thing people liked which was the the free bags.

Oh, I thought it was the pick your own seats, which I hate.

Yeah, that's not a positive.

That's just them pretending that something shitty is actually a positive.

You have to pick your own seat.

You don't get to sit with your party.

You get to pick your own separate seats.

They're all middle seats.

Have fun, stupid.

When I'm flying, uh, and I'm in the lap of luxury and beautiful comfort plus sure.

Incredible.

Anyway,

but after I get off and I got away from my bags, I'm standing, you know, like a sane person outside of the actual belt, away from it, so that I'm not blocking up everything.

And, you know, people come off and they get to my left.

They line up right next to me.

Or maybe someone was there.

I line up right next to them.

Right about where, you know, the bench is in the sitting area is.

Then comes Fucko McGee over here.

As soon as it goes

and they start moving

right up in the middle of it.

Right.

And knees touching the the metal.

This is, oh, I'm gonna get it as soon as it comes here.

It's gonna be fast.

I better be ready.

And then suddenly, every douchebag in the world comes flooding up and blocking everything.

Even in front of me, side of me, it doesn't matter.

I was like, oh, I could see everything.

No, I can see nothing.

I don't know why.

I picture them all looking like Fonzie, but out of thriller and kind of walking, like with their hands going like this and like bent leg as they approach the belt.

Exactly that.

Exactly that.

You know, the douchebag walk.

Bob, you're first.

What do I do?

This makes me so angry.

I don't understand what happens to people, but the solution is easy.

It helps if you've been on a longer trip, but you can actually start preparing before your trip if it's a short trip.

What you're going to want to do

is not

shower

or in any way bathe or wash yourself for a minimum of eight days in a row prior to having to stand and wait at baggage claim.

I think the outcome here is pretty self-evident, but basically, you want a pig pen-esque, visible cloud of stank that not only smells so bad that people want to stay away from you, but creates an actual physical barrier where if people try to get close to you and they try and enter your area, it's like they're caught in a miniature tornado and little splinters and debris get lodged in their skin if they stay in it for too long.

It's like a supernatural force field of stank.

And I think you'll find you'll have lots of space in a number of different scenarios if you just prepare for your trips in this manner.

And if it's a long trip, you can go, you could start your trip fully washed and then just make sure you lead up to the because what because when you're going somewhere and you have to do the baggage claim thing, it's still stupid.

But when you're getting getting home from a trip and you're like, oh, just let's get to the car and fucking the airport.

That's the one where you really can't stomach the morons who push you're three feet away from the thing.

You're at the absolute minimum distance where you're like, I'm respecting the boundary, but I'm claiming my.

And there's still some asshole who's like, excuse me, excuse me.

The douchebag walk.

Excuse me.

It's not illegal, even.

You're totally welcome to do that.

Like, no, you can't.

what are they gonna do arrest you that can't can't get in the force field they make a portable fog machine that i i've used before on set and like for film shoots and stuff if you stuck that in your pants and suddenly you started emitting a fog

i think people would run away in the same way you just burst a bunch of stink bombs inside of it then you turn on the fog you fill it with stink juice instead of fog juice that would be horrible well you got to make yourself immune to it so you got to endure it for like many months of just stink juice up your nose.

The rocky montage of fart juice.

Yeah, no,

it's like the princess.

What's that?

The princess bride.

You slowly build up your resistance to iocaine powder, but it's not iocaine.

It's stink juice.

Pour a little bit in your drink every day.

This is a complete aside and not related to what we're talking about.

But can I just put this out there?

Is there a greater joy in life than coming across a video on the internet of a person in one of those inflatable suits where there's a fan constantly sucking air into the suit to keep it like inflated and puffy.

And someone comes up behind them with a little bottle of fart spray and just hits them with the old.

And then the person in the suit is just like,

is there anything funnier than that?

Like, I know that there is, but when I, because those always come out of nowhere, you'll be online and then it's like, there's just a video of a guy in a Barney suit or something.

And then the fart spray happens and you're just like, oh,

I needed that.

Not particularly illegal, but I'll still take it.

Wade, what do you got?

All right, here's what you do.

You've been waiting.

They come up.

They think they're all smooth, right?

They're smooth, sliding by.

You get right in front of you.

Like, oh, pardon me.

And they get right in front of you to get their bag.

Well, that's why you carry around your travel sandpaper.

You get your travel sandpaper out.

You put it on the conveyor belt.

And you push your face down on it.

And then you roll across it.

My name is Smooth when I'm done with that.

And slowly their skin just gets ripped off by the sandpaper.

Then their bag comes and boops their nose just to rub it in even further.

Did you coat the entire belt with sandpaper or did you put one square and you shove them down?

You're like, this will teach you.

Oh,

gotta really wait for it to come back around.

It's a really big roll of travel sandpaper.

It takes up a lot of space.

It's a good size like square, but you do have to like rub it, wait for it to come around, rub it again.

The dread, the dread of it coming back is what really will teach him a lesson.

All right, i'll take that this is relatively tame compared to the restaurant but i guess well i sort of thought we were going to escalate this one i started relative i thought we were gonna you got more so you've got your carbon fiber retractable assassin's creed sleeve blade

right yeah

and you you they push by you you wait you wait until you see their bag coming and you just stand there and you blend in with the crowd like in the games and the well when the nuns start to get confused while you're walking around with them when you're you're clearly not one, and as you see your nemesis eye their bag, because you can tell there's a thing that happens when the bag comes around, and the person is like, and they like prepare their body to grab the bag.

You get up right behind them, just outside of the range where they could sense you, real close.

And right as they're about to reach for the bag,

right through their hand.

Oh, through their hand?

Yeah, like intercept the grab right through their hand, retract the blade, walk away.

Back to the nuns, go climb into a, go climb into a wagon full of hay.

When you go through the crowd, do you do the Assassin's Creed thing where you touch everyone on the shoulders?

Yeah, you walk through the crowd and you do like the swimmy arms.

Just don't accidentally bump the blade early.

Yeah, you got to really watch out.

Okay, all right, that's good.

Assassin's Creed.

Wait.

All right.

I get there early.

Like before I, like, the pre-flight, long time.

And I know a guy works at the airport.

So I get some time to set up.

You're waiting for your bag.

Everyone's got their generous three feet of space.

We'll call it three feet of space between them and the conveyor belt.

And then people start coming in.

They get close.

And then the like the little

and you hear the conveyor start to go.

But as that triggers, something else triggers.

And everyone's standing within

that one-foot radius of the conveyor belt.

They're fucking splattered by the giant animals that drop from the ceiling.

Because I shouldn't have been there yet.

Get over there poorly.

The fucking first black.

And then they lift up, and you got your space to get your bags if you were patiently waiting the correct amount of space.

I was thinking also, well, you could do that with your preparation time.

I thought it was something where you paint an optical illusion spiral into the conveyor belt that only activates when it starts moving.

So all the sheeple that start walking towards, they fall asleep, fall into the conveyor belt, and then get ground in the mechanisms.

And you are smart enough to look away.

That's where airport taco bells get their beef i forgot about the luggage shredders inside the conveyor belt oh i'm sorry you put anvil in the ceiling and a luggage shredder is too much for you while e coyote doesn't believe in your luggage belt shredders

you don't get your bag fast enough it gets shredded this one isn't affecting you directly but it's affecting your experience and also just like public sanctity and common rules and like common decency as our fellow humans and guardians on this planet, right?

Sure.

Yes.

You're at an aquarium having a lovely time.

Best time.

Look at all the fish.

Oh, the jellyfish exhibit.

It's all dark in here.

You see them.

Oh, they're glowing.

It's so cool.

Walking through.

All right.

Then you hear ting, ting, ting, tink.

Well, that's an odd sound.

Ting, ting, ting, ting.

It's getting louder.

Ting, ting, tink.

You look behind you.

There's someone.

Could be a little kid.

Just ding, ting, ting, ting, tink on the glass everywhere.

Every single exhibit.

Ding, tink, tinking on the glass.

That's illegal by itself, probably.

How do I solve this?

Even more illegally.

Well, you bring your little shit bag out, pull it on out of your backpack.

A little shit bag.

That's uh for the little shits that you have to deal with when you're at the aquarium.

Is it a bag for shits?

No, no, no, for little shits.

Little shits, like with a hyphen.

Not little shits, but little shits.

Okay.

Uh you press the button and it turns into a little exhibit of its own and you slam it on top of the kid and then you tell everyone, everyone, hey, little shit, little shit.

And they all come over and you all start tink, tink, tink, tink on the kid in the glass.

They all know what that means instinctively, huh?

Oh, everyone knows.

Even the parents, the parents will probably join and be like, oh, they're right.

Tink, tink, tink, tink, tink, tink.

Actually, there are statues.

I believe there are statues in China, I believe, of like these traders that they made statue of.

They're kneeling, like their hands are tied, and people come up to them and they slap the statues, sped on them, do all kinds of things because they're traders.

With an IT.

I was thinking D-E-R-S, like they were trading, and I was like, we don't like trade.

If there's one thing about China, they don't like trade.

Grow your own or steal.

No trading.

Just food, baby.

I visited China once and they found out I was a barterer.

Almost got caught in the crossfire.

They made a whole statue of you.

No, I'm not a trader.

I'm a barterer.

All right, great, great, great, great.

All right, Bob.

Obviously, you were going to the aquarium, so you slung Maui's magical fish hook on your back before you headed out the door.

It's not made of metal, and it looks decorative.

So when you're entering the aquarium and you walk through the metal detectors, everyone's cool with it.

They think you're just goofing around.

The little shit behind you starts knocking on the glass.

You take Maui's fish hook off your back, turn around, transform into top half shark, bottom half legs, so you can still stand there.

Look at him with your weird shark face and go, yes?

And the kid is like, what?

What?

And you say, you knocked, right?

And the kid goes, what?

And then you bite his fucking hand off.

And before you turn back into a human, you swallow his hand and you say, don't fucking knock on my fucking glass.

And then you just turn back into a human and walk away.

Kid will remember that lesson for the rest of their life.

Is that from the show?

I'm not familiar with Maui's official.

Is that from the show, The Shark, whatever the hell it was called?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

It's Disney Channel Shark Wheat.

I know that from Moana, but I think that's actually just like part of the legend of Maui, the demigod.

Yeah, for sure.

For sure.

So super illegal.

Very good.

All right.

Any other ways to deal with this guy or can we move on?

Oh, yes.

Oh, yeah.

You walk up to him and you say, oh.

You want to see some really cool fish?

Like, these are pretty cool, but I'll show you the really cool ones.

Then you tie the little fucker up and you dangle him slowly to the piranha tank and let them nibble away at him piece by piece till there's nothing left.

Like a cartoon, they turn into a skeleton.

There's like, there's like wood chipper noises.

You dangle them in the piranhas.

It's just like,

the skeleton comes out.

Yes.

And they're like, oh, no.

And you're like, now you learned your lesson.

And then they leave, but they're a skeleton forever.

All right.

Yeah, that's good.

He's not going to forget that one.

Bob anymore?

I don't think you could do much better than Maui's magical fish hook.

That was really good.

I'll give that.

I have an easier one.

If you don't own Maui's magical fish hook, hook,

I think you just turn around and just give him a really disapproving glare.

Nothing is more biting to a completely unaware child than the disapproving glare of a stranger they're not paying attention to.

And you can go home with the satisfied feeling that you know that they know.

that you know what they did and you did not approve of it.

I could de-escalate if that's what what we're doing.

You give him some really thick, comfy gloves.

No, for God's sake, just end it and move on.

Can't you tell?

I'm out of ideas.

Magical fish summoning gloves, but actually, they're just really thick cloth, so when he knocks, it doesn't make noise.

All right.

I thought we were doing the reverse.

We're not doing Bob.

We're doing the thing, right?

Moving on.

Come on, Bob.

You fart.

That's it.

You fart.

That's it.

That's the end of it.

You fart.

You just hope they walk through it.

You don't even fart at them.

You just fart in anger.

You cup your hands around your butt.

You somehow keep your hands closed and move your hands under your feet like one of those, like a prisoner escaping from his handcuffs.

Go up to the kid and go, hey, kid, look at this.

And then they die.

Because I was eating pure cyanide.

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

Well, hey, it's illegal here.

It's illegal.

All right.

I thought we were de-escalating.

You went the wrong way, man.

Oh, actually, wait, you wait till he gets to the giant exhibit with the big glass and he's tapping, right?

And you have one of those glass breakers on the tip of your finger and so you go up next to him you look him in the eye and you start going ting tink tink tink crack tink ding tink crack crack ding tink tink tink crack crack crack ting tink ting and you start going

you hold him up like rafiki holding simba from a whale shirt

whale short great white all right what you do is you go up to the kid and you say you know when you do that you're summoning the sharks to come and eat you And the kid is like, nah-uh.

And then you jump up and a shark comes out of the tank and grabs you.

And in front of the kid, eats you.

And you do die.

But the kid learns a lesson for the rest of their life.

It's like deep blue sea, you know, when Samuel Jackson's like, I've had it with these motherfucking sharks on this motherfucker.

And then he gets shark comes out and bites him.

Yeah, you remember?

Yeah, yeah.

That's my favorite part of that movie.

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All right, moving on.

I'm sure everyone has experienced this, but I'm going to put some specificity to this.

You're walking, hallway, sidewalk, wherever, path, where there's guardrails.

It's a fixed width.

It's very wide, but it's fixed width path, right?

Two people, just two are in front of you.

And somehow, some way, this couple is taking up the whole width.

And I've experienced this, where they are somehow, like their arms are spread, their backpacks swinging so wide that they couldn't pop and slow, just wide and slow, blocking up the entire space.

You can't get around them.

You're locked into this.

It's cars going a million miles an hour.

It's a subway train this way.

It's not the same place.

It's different places or the same place, whatever your mind's eye sees.

Sorry, bud.

And so it's, it's just, you can't get around them no matter what.

How do you do this?

How do you deal with it?

You're walking down the path towards them.

You use your special cloning ability to become a of yourself.

You take up the entire path.

Like, there's no physical way this red rover rules.

They're not coming on over.

They are getting pushed off of the path.

And it's their choice whether they get pushed into the oncoming subway train or into the oncoming traffic on the road.

They are sandwiching this path you're walking on with not a millimeter of space between path and certain death.

And you lock arm in arm and you slowly trudge towards them and let them pick their reward for taking up the entire path for no fucking reason.

God, it's just train after train, one after another.

It's just non-stop car.

It's like Frogger in this bitch.

It's just like

both multiple ways.

It's like eight tracks wide.

Even if they miss the first couple, there's no way.

That's really comprehensive.

It teaches them a lesson with the lesson they failed to be taught.

technology's come a long way so you're behind them you're listening you listen to their conversation you pick up their names so on and so forth uh eventually you manage to uh trudge out ahead you find a gap in the trains or cars just to pass them get up ahead a bit uh and you get some photos of them together uh cute photos for later and then uh with technology you become brad's best buddy you you get some photos of you and brad together you get some photos of brad and his other lady friends or male friends or what have you.

Some compromising photos of them.

Then you, you know, you keep getting your dirt built up.

You fall back behind them again.

And then you come jogging up.

Brad, is that you?

Huh?

Buddy, I missed you.

Oh my God, I can't.

Who's this one?

And you pull out your photos.

Nope, that's not her.

That's not him.

Well, this is all three of us.

And you ruin that guy's fucking life.

The long Conrad.

They'll never be walking together again.

How long are these people walking on this path?

Well, if they're annoying you that much, man, they're walking real slow, making out every few steps.

Technology has come a long way.

That's fast.

Anyway, Bobby, you got any other ways?

All right.

This is illegal, but it's not violent against the people.

You drove here in your tanker truck full of nuclear waste.

Everyone, this is a path that loops back.

So you know, they're walking out, they're going to walk back.

This is a, you know, whatever.

It's a parked where it loops back.

Everyone parks in the parking lot and ends up back at the parking lot.

You cut your walk short, head straight back to the parking lot.

Boom.

Huge chemical spill.

Somehow this tanker truck full of nuclear waste emptied just all over every single car in the parking lot.

It's all just, it's quarantined.

It's locked down.

No one can come within five miles of that location for the next 3,000 years thanks to the half-life of whatever green goop was in your truck.

Nobody gets hurt unless there was someone in the parking lot, but they should have known better.

And they learned the lesson that

they learn it.

The lesson, they learn it because it's in there.

And that's where they learned it at the park.

They'll be, well, we're not parking at this parking lot anymore.

They won't be walking that path.

They'll come back and they'll see all the people in hazmat suits and they'll be people fleeing for their lives.

And and they'll be like oh no we're blocking the whole sidewalk we should let these people flee for their lives and then they'll be like yeah we shouldn't block the whole sidewalk anymore that's how they learned the lesson somehow their repulsion feel just prevents anyone from escaping and the wall of radioactive waste is just tunneling and they're like nothing new oh no and then everyone dies No, sorry, that makes it violent.

You take a bat and you beat their legs and break their legs and you break their arms and you say, hey, should have made more space for us, but you're a cute couple.

You guys want to be together forever?

So then you human kiss a pedem by sewing their mouths together.

So they're permanently kissing with their broken legs and broken arms, and they can't really resist it.

And then you kind of hang them up, Hannibal Lecter style, making a fucking little like thing to walk under, like an awning or something, of them with their broken arms and legs and mouths kissed together.

I don't teach them

how to fucking teach them,

but not too violent.

Well, they're alive, so I think.

Have you seen the movie Walrus?

No.

All right.

Well, you should look into it.

It kind of spoilers, but it stars Justin Long, and there's no actual Walrus in it.

But there is at the end.

It's not great, but it's mostly confusing.

Oh, it's called Tusk.

Oh, whatever the fuck.

Tusk.

I don't know.

Fucking...

If you Google Justin Long Walrus, it comes up.

Oh, I don't like him.

You know why I found out about that and why Justin Long finds himself in that situation?

Why?

Because he's an asshole podcaster who does a podcast where he kind of makes fun of people for having eccentric beliefs or whatever.

And the guy who eventually captures him and does this to him agrees to be a guest on his podcast.

And so Justin Long goes out to his like mansion place and is like interviewing him, but he's kind of an asshole.

And then the guy does the walrus stuff.

Is that what you do to the people?

Basically, you tusk them, yeah.

But actually, they become two meerkats, but not so cute because big and, you know, patchy.

Okay, got it.

So you go on Etsy or Amazon, one of these sites, you order a Captain America outfit, you put it on, you're running up behind them as they're walking to the path, and you say, on your left, and then they hopefully move out of the way and you pass.

All right.

This is such a wild swings from

your left.

Hey, listen, I give you a variety of options.

You choose what level of intensity you want to go with.

I appreciate that, man.

I appreciate it.

All right, let's wrap it up there.

Man, we had some more ideas.

What an Olive Garden, Bob.

So you call your friend Ultron.

I'm going to read the points and then I'll add, you know, who had the best time, whatever definition that is to the wheel.

Uh, but we'll start with Bob because you're on the left here.

You got a point for suicide hole.

You got a point for how much is an eight ball.

That was just a question I had.

Uh, olive garden, separate point for olive garden on the moon, uh, pigpen-esque cloud, fart suit prank, assassin's carbon fiber, uh, Maui's magic hook.

I just wrote shark.

That's a that was a separate idea.

Eight magic clones, nuclear waste, and you tusk them.

I'm killing it.

Mark usually only gives out like a handful of points.

Wade, you got the deer.

Actually, a bitch.

That'll fucking teach them.

Give me those drugs.

You see, what was that?

Give me those drugs.

I don't remember.

Your travel sandpaper, Anvil's little shit bag, little shits bag.

Sorry.

Piranha tank technologies come a long way.

Human kissipede.

And on your left, which one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Nickelback.

Give me those drugs.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I knew it was funny.

I laughed at it.

I just couldn't remember why.

All right, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Eleven.

Damn.

You guys were killing it this game.

Bob marginally more by one point, but we'll see how the wheels shake up to do that.

Give me a three.

A D3, please.

Roll a D3 die.

Here we go and start three.

All right.

Bam.

And I added for you, Mark, I added had the best time, right?

That's great.

That's great.

Good.

Thank you for that.

Wearing the least amount of clothes.

I got three pieces.

I have socks, pants, underwear, undershirt, and shirt on.

No socks.

Oh, yeah.

You usually do two shirts, Bob.

I forgot about that i do i yeah i have an undershirt on today it's in just one so that's one up it would be tied right now it could technically be a tie depending on how these points shake out oh one man show opportunity

oh

that's a tough one for this episode who got the biggest laugh what did get the biggest laugh there was a lot of laughs Bob, you had consistently really funny stuff, but I think one of Wade's jokes made me laugh really hard.

It was, it was either between like, I think it was the third iteration of that'll fucking teach him just because it had like callback in there and also just the insanity of human kiss of beat.

Oh, eight magic clones and the froggers stuff really made me laugh hard.

This was a, this was a laugh-heavy episode.

I don't know what the biggest laugh is.

This was a really the olive garden and the moon, I was dying.

Oh, give me those drugs.

I did laugh.

Oh, man, I don't know.

I don't fucking know.

I mean, it's, I'm not, yeah, I feel like it's pretty balanced, actually.

It's your discretion, Mark.

I laughed a lot at Wade's stuff.

So, if you think it's an even one, I'm okay with respins on this if we can't figure it out.

I think, if anything, like this was pretty equivalent in terms of the funnies.

I had a great time.

You boys should be very proud.

I laughed really hard at my own stuff, Bob's stuff.

Like, I think we all had some bangers, so I don't know.

Yeah.

Uh, how about I flip a coin for this?

Heads, wade your tails,

Heads.

Bob's up.

Bob's up by one.

This could either decide it or tie it.

All right.

Come on, Baldist.

Yeah.

I don't know if there's going to be a debate if it's baldest.

That's trouble for Mark.

And that's the subject.

Well, that's a point for the viewers there.

The viewers took it away from me.

I feel like it's landed on those a lot.

They're lucky.

So with an extremely close game of a toss-up of that coin toss, Bob takes it by one point.

Congratulations, Bob.

That was very funny.

You guys, I know that puts a lot on you guys for making up the stuff, but just like last time,

what was it, like a five-gallon bucket of wood glue or whatever?

It's fucking good.

Yeah, didn't wait to kill God with a shotgun or something.

I don't fucking probably

kill God.

Shotgun in the air and hope you hit God because it's his fault.

If you haven't listened to the first illegal advice, it's back in 2023 in October.

It's a ways back, but very funny episode these guys were on there.

Again, Bob, I'm going to let you go first winner speech.

I love these episodes.

I can never tell when they're starting off,

if stuff is just going to be like unhinged and weird or unhinged and funny.

But consistently, Wade will

say or do something that will get me in the right mindset to just like completely go off the rails and say the craziest shit I can think of.

And I honestly think if it was not for Wade, I wouldn't have won this one.

But I did win it and it's my win and I'm keeping it.

Okay, fair enough.

All right.

Wade.

I'm happy to be someone's muse if that's what it is.

I just enjoy the laughter.

I think laughing and smiling is so much better than the alternative.

So if even if I lose, knowing that we got to laugh, even if no one watching or listening laughed, I laughed.

I found us hilarious.

And that's all that really matters.

What a hot take.

Laughter fun.

I love me.

And when me happy, me like that.

And as the host who had nothing to do with most of the jokes, I take all the credit.

So this is an incredible episode that I host.

Thank you, me, for being me.

And everything that I'll do in the future will be hopefully as funny as something that happened in this episode.

Thank you.

Follow the podcast for more.

We're on Spotify and YouTube and anywhere that we are listenable, but only watchable on Spotify and YouTube.

So go check them out there.

Be sure to follow on all of them so it makes us look real good.

And then, yeah, merch eventually.

But sooner than you think.

Later than you know.

Podcast out.

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Futurama returns on September 15th.

I love this show.

It's a great show.

I'm excited for another season.

Anyway, the Planet Express crew is back to find gravity and common sense.

From the creator of The Simpsons, come 10 new episodes where the romance is hotter, the threats are bigger, and the action hits harder.

Don't miss the all-new season of Futurama returning September 15th at 8 p.m.

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