For Folk's Sake

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Good evening, gentle listeners, all watchers, and welcome to Distractible.

This episode.

Wolf-like Wade mentions enslaving Mark, then advocates for modern mythologies.

Merrific Mark plugs the new merch by it, has piss-augmented plants, broken bells, and pandemonic pals.

Burdensome Bob proffers personalized dildos, harvests his huge weed crop, prefers jauntier jaguars, cereal rakets, and seaholes, from ball gags to porn pop-ups.

It's time for

for folks' sake.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractible.

I'm today's host because I won outright last episode.

I dominated from start to finish, and also maybe it was just because we all said it at the end.

Joined as always by my co-hosts, Mark and Bob.

Hey guys.

Hello.

Oh, I mean, fuck you.

Oh.

Sorry, I was trying to match Mark's energy.

I didn't.

I'm not sure where this hostility is coming from.

Get him.

Get him.

Get him, Bob.

Get him.

You fucking beard.

Don't smile at me.

Get out of here.

Have you heard about our best-selling but copyrighted shirt?

We're getting sued by Theseus.

No, we're cop our copyright.

It's our copyright.

We own this design.

If you take the copyright and replace it one letter at a time, is it the same copyright?

Is that how Disney did it for so long?

Probably.

We've redrawn the end this year.

We're going to go ahead and re-file that for another 150 years of copyright.

Anyway, distractible.shop, soon to be distractible.store, never to be distractible.com.

Oh, yeah.

We should get one of those fun, one of those fun domain names, like distractible.fun or distractible.js.

I could get distractible.xxx.

That's the only one that I can get.

Oh, hell yeah.

How many people would be in trouble for going to an XXX site?

They're like, I was just going there for the merch.

Do you think our audience is mostly children?

I think adults can get in trouble too.

Oh, $109?

Dude, sexy website addresses are expensive.

That renews for 112 bucks a year.

That's so expensive for a goof.

We could sell distractible adult toys.

We could do that.

We could partner with, say, like

we could make casts of our junk and you could buy one or all three and have a party.

The butthole chocolates.

Have you guys ever been solicited by those companies?

I got a message.

I got an email from a company that does that.

I don't know what they who they thought I is, but literally it was emailed that's like, hey, Hey, would you like to make a product that your fans can really feel the joy from?

And then I was like, That's creepy, man.

What?

And I clicked, and it's just a site where you could buy molds of people's bits to do dirty stuff with.

And I was like, Nah, thanks, though.

I'm glad I'm on whatever list that's from.

Well, remind me to get that later because I could get it for you if you really want it.

If you have a good, important thing to do with it, I will get it for you.

I'm not paying 30, 40 bucks a year.

So, you guys, I'll take it if you'd both pay for it.

No, I don't think that's how that works.

We can't be outvoted on having to spend our money, can we?

I think we can, actually.

We're a team.

Three co-equal members of govern

distractible.

Mark, vote no.

We can have control back.

Yeah, just like we're co-equally sharing the revenue from that shirt.

Wait, we get revenue.

I can't tell if I'm inside Mark's thing or outside Mark's thing.

Oh, outside.

Oh, very outside.

Oh, okay.

Well, I was.

Okay.

I own the company that made the clothing.

That seems like a little bit of a conflict of interest.

But we can own you if we vote it, right?

Isn't that how this works?

I don't know if we could afford him.

I think ownership of people might have been.

What if we put it in the distractible constitution that we're allowed to change any constitution we want, and then we can just start passing amendments to whatever constitution is out there, and then

we can do anything.

It'll be unstoppable.

Aye.

Is that how we vote?

Oh, yeah, actually.

Or it'd be yays.

Yay!

We're not even in the boat.

Okay.

Can't have democracy without a boat.

Please have small talk.

I've got small talk.

Any more carrots?

Nicholas Martins at Black Magic Design.

You're awesome.

You're the best.

You deserve a raise, and everyone at your office should, next time they see you, stand up and go.

Yeah!

Woo!

Yeah!

You're going to get me a partnership with Black Magic Design after that.

Everyone else at the office don't listen to this part.

It's just you and me now.

Look, buddy, I have been shouting from the rooftops

what DaVinci Resolve can do for people and what the rest of Black Magic Design's products can do and what it can do for you, Wade.

Are you still working in Premiere?

Am I below you?

Wade?

Wade, wade,

are you still working in Premiere like a goof?

Dana sure is.

Oh.

Well, you could save money if you have Dana switch over to the free Black Magic Design software DaVinci Resolve.

I like that.

I mean,

Adobe's not cheap.

Bob?

Yeah, we're definitely still on Adobe.

I'm connected into too many other Adobe things.

That's the thing, right?

You know me.

I like new stuff, and I would absolutely just dictate that my editor has to switch over to Resolve without caring what they think about it.

But also, I need to I get PDFs e-signed and all this shit that, like, it's all, I have a whole ecosystem and it's annoying.

I know that it's annoying.

And I don't even know if there are other pieces of software that do that, but they don't do it as efficiently as Acrobat does.

There's no way.

Actually, Acrobat is one of the worst.

There's no way.

It's, it's fantastic.

Anyway, he's been super helpful.

He's lent me cameras.

He's come over to the office.

He's hooked me up with someone that can help me out with Fairlight.

He's been awesome help.

Just want to shout out.

Hey, I am actually legitimately a believer.

Please.

I know what I've said to all the other companies that I've been sponsored with.

Please, please.

Wait, is Prusa?

Prusa?

Is that the name?

They're still waiting.

Prusa, who cares?

Please, please, please.

I can only go after one at a time.

Oh, man.

Oh, Nicholas, he'll be loyal to you and only you for at least three days.

Yep, yep.

You,

Nick.

I got a regular heartbeat.

All for you.

All right, anyway, that's what I said.

I just need to get it out of the way.

I think it worked, guys.

I think it worked.

Oh, yeah,

that's going to win him right over.

Bob.

I don't like yard work.

Most of our backyard is just grass, but we have like one area where there's some a bush and some stuff, and it's mulched.

And it's like, there's supposed to be plants there, but mostly it's empty.

I've been pretending it didn't exist all summer, and it just got turned into a fucking jungle of weeds as tall as me.

Oh, be careful because if you have to have a fridge brought through there, we know what happens.

Well, we didn't, luckily, but also, I, at some point, finally, it was like, okay, well, probably shouldn't just let that be weeds.

So, I just got we have a string trimmer or whatever, a weed whacker.

I just got it and got made the strings real long and just literally went out to this huge patch of weeds that was like literally as tall as me almost, and just like

it's kind of hard but it was kind of fun because i kind of just murdered an entire metropolis of weeds but not only did i murder it and then put all their dead bodies into some paper bags i then went back over it with uh ground clear which is the type of like weed killer that just kills anything that's alive and i just fucking

I salted the earth and was like, nothing will grow here ever again.

So I have mixed feelings about the weed genocide that I committed in our backyard, but it looks way nicer.

Is the grass growing?

Well, this wasn't, I didn't get any on the grass, so the grass is all cool.

This was just in the bed, the like plant bed area.

Oh.

I was a little worried because there's two trees kind of on the back edge of it.

And I was like, I tried really hard not to get it anywhere near the trees, but like the trees are in the same bed and there were weeds around it.

So I got, they seem fine.

Trees love that shit.

Yeah.

Have I ever told you about Henry's piss oranges?

No, I don't think so.

Well, there's an orange tree at a house we used to have a while back,

and it was, you know, it made oranges every year.

That was real.

Didn't it make limes, if I recall?

No.

I'm pretty sure it made limes.

Ethan told me that.

Do you not remember that?

No, I don't remember it.

There's an episode from

Unisonis where Ethan was real sad, and you guys are in the backyard, and he was just like, can I have one of these limes?

And you're like, that's a, that's an orange tree.

They're just, they're not.

It's like, okay, I'm going to take a lime.

I mean, you're just like either those are oranges and they're not ready yet and he just takes one and he's like

wow this lime doesn't taste very good

they're bad limes mark

i don't remember that at all it's like an extended bit i bet it was i bet it was uh but henry pissed on that tree a lot

no wonder they taste so good they did that's what i'm saying is those oranges tasted amazing and i they tasted better the better the longer we were there.

I'm not lying, not joking.

It's probably not because of the piss, but what is a tree if not a big life straw?

Filters out the piss.

Dog pee kills grass, flavors orange.

Breaking news.

Yeah.

I mean, orange, the juice is some kind of yellow.

If I peed and it looked like orange juice, I'd be like, eh, close enough.

I don't need to see a doctor about that.

That's good.

That's very good, actually.

Plus, it smells clean and fresh.

Or would it still smell like pea?

I guess I don't know which way that goes.

Good stuff, boys.

Good stuff.

Oh, I'm not done.

You're done when I say you're done.

You didn't say he's done.

I know, so you go ahead.

Okay, cool.

There was a recall on a certain product.

You guys know the adjustable dumbbells?

I've had a few sets over time.

I have the cheap knockoff one of those that doesn't work as well, but is like half-price.

I had just finished.

I actually ordered these a while ago, and they've been sitting on my porch getting rained on and getting fire fire blasted through them and water ash and stuff like that.

So I finally got around to unboxing them and unpacking them and building the whole set because you got to assemble it and all that stuff.

And so I do it because I've had the dumbbells before and they've been kind of janky sometimes.

You know, sometimes weights fall off, but I'm like, oh, it must be user error.

So I get done the whole set.

Brand new set because the other ones, I was like, oh, it's been sitting out.

It's probably not good.

So the whole new equipment, I was like, I'm going to get in shape again.

Woo!

Woo!

Just yesterday, like I finished assembling it.

And just this morning, I like, I started working out a little bit for the first time.

I'm like, yeah, all right.

Get in.

Before we record this podcast, I look at the news.

Boflex's popular adjustable dumbbells were just recalled.

Over 3 million units were recalled for potential impact hazards.

Good grief.

God damn it.

I mean, I can still use it.

That's like up to me whether or not I want to risk it.

And to be perfectly honest, I've always knew they were a bit jank.

I'm never, I was never going to be holding one over my head.

I can tell you that much.

I can tell you that.

Not that they've ever fallen.

Don't sue sue me, Boflex, but I felt dumb.

I felt dumb, but it does look nice.

Yeah.

I guess you have to give you a point.

I mean, you guys can convince me.

Anyway, I don't even know.

I've had products that are recalled.

And sometimes, have you gotten this where you get a check in the mail randomly and you don't remember ever being a part of a class action?

But there it is.

All right.

Cool.

10 bucks.

I got, I don't forget what it was for.

I got a letter.

with a check and the check was for like seven cents because I was apparently part of a class action lawsuit.

I didn't know I I agreed to be a part of it.

They were just like, here's your settlement from the class action lawsuit.

It was no more than like a dollar.

I think it was like seven cents or something actually like that.

Where they're like, here's your settlement.

So sorry for everything you went through.

And it's like, fucking a nickel and two pennies.

The biggest one I got was for actually an Apple thing.

I can't remember what it was for, but it was like 80 bucks.

That's crazy.

I've never got one that was a meaningful amount of money.

It's usually like $2 or something.

I've also never submitted for a recall.

I've never sent products back.

I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how it works.

We did for a car.

Was it Molly's last car?

Was it my car?

We had a thing where we had to take a car back because it had like an airbag recall.

And that was when we were like, that's probably one that we should do.

Oh, there was a really big, it was probably, it was probably Molly's old car because there was a really big airbag recall on her, the kind that would have been in that car because I know what her car was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm assuming it was.

I just remembered I need to, I have a recall on my truck that I need to address.

It's nothing serious.

It's the roof, the sunroof, the way it is, it leaks.

And I thought, I thought I did something wrong because one of the big rubber things was like flapping off in the wind.

I was like, ah, and I shoved it back in there.

So there's a recall for that.

There's car recalls all the time.

I don't need to.

There's so many car recalls.

I was just going to say, I had that happen.

I have one that my car has a recall on where it's like, they're trying to get parts.

And I've been waiting for a long time.

And I still can't get a scheduled to get that service.

But then I got another letter like the other day that was like, oh, there's a new recall on your car, but it doesn't say what it is.

It just says, oh, you should probably call your dealer and ask about it.

I was like, I don't want to call and ask to see if I need to do something about this.

But like, that's a cheap way.

That should be an illegal way to go about a recall is forcing you to figure out what the recall is.

But like on every car I've owned, including my really old Volkswagen that I had when I was in like college, I get so many letters that are just like, oh, there's a recall on the door hinge.

If you open it too fast, it might explode.

That seems kind of serious.

You probably should get that fixed, I guess.

I think that that's why I'm afraid to ever release a product, you know, like a real product.

Like clothing is one thing, but having an actual thing that...

I mean, maybe it could be a clothing recall where like this shirt will explode if you wear it wrong.

Put your arm through the head hole.

Boom!

The whole thing catastrophically.

Thankfully, it's safe with water, but body sweat, really dangerous for this clothing.

Depends on who, how sweaty you are, you big stinko.

What is this to?

It's probably not important.

Where did you just come up with their mind?

I don't know.

It was wrapped around my leg.

I was like, why is this?

My god, Mark, the AIs, they're coming for you.

Is that plugged into something else, or is that just a cord?

It is plugged into

my computer.

It's my computer down there.

So I don't know what it was plugged into, but it's not anymore.

So it's probably fine.

Probably fine.

Well, great small.

I have something else.

Okay.

Cracker Barrel.

How mad are you at them?

Wait, have you been to Cracker Barrel?

Did the one in Melford get I've not been there in a while, so no, I'm not seeing yet.

I'm so disappointed because I saw so many people on TikTok, on Reddit, quickly in like a few hours mock up a different version of the logo.

And it's infinitely better.

Even if they went super simplistic, there was one that I saw on TikTok where someone was like, I just added a few lines around the outside to give us some character.

And it was like instantly better, amazingly better.

Who did they hire?

They paid $700 million to renovate all those stores.

Why?

They didn't test it on one.

They just roll it out on all of them.

I don't know who these firms are that are tricking all these companies.

Did you see?

I'm not a particular fan or anything, but have you seen the Jaguar rebrand?

No.

Oh my God.

Look at it.

So, Jaguar, to me, I'm kind of a car person, but not a Jag person.

Old school British brand.

They make sexy cars.

They're like classic and awesome and like

big V8 engines, like Jag.

Like, it's a thing.

The new Jaguar logo could be for any company on Earth.

It is the least interesting, most disconnected, minimalist, modern piece of crap logo.

They paid so much money for it.

Who are these companies that are charging tens, hundreds of millions of dollars to be like, here's a simple lowercase font with nothing interesting, no meaningful connection to your brand

imagery or brand legacy or anything.

It just says Jaguar in lowercase, real spread out.

There you go.

Is it the yellow one with the capital, maybe J, but definitely capital G?

But the A's are lowercase and the R's lowercase.

I got to look up the old logo.

It was literally had a Jaguar in it.

God.

Yeah, it has the Jaguar over it.

I couldn't explain to you why they went the way they did.

I like the old logo with the Jaguar over it.

I also like the front view face Jaguar logo that was like the emblem on the cars.

Yeah, that's all right.

Yeah, that's all right.

It looks like classic, but it doesn't look dated or old.

It looks cool.

Like, it's a fucking cool logo.

I see this all the time, where a company will throw out all of the memories, all of the loyalty, all of the associations of the old brand and logo just because some executive comes in.

And I'm sure this is what happens.

A new CEO comes in and be like, I have the idea to refresh this whole thing.

Sales are stagnating, which is good.

Companies, if your sales are going like this, you're good.

This is good.

This is great.

This is okay.

That's bad.

Okay, good, bad.

This is fine.

Even if it's like,

that's fine.

Anyway, whatever.

It's like, so Cracker Barrel, Denny's did this.

Jaguar did this.

A whole bunch of companies are doing this.

I feel like they're at the tail end of it because now I feel like the trend is going away from this minimalism.

And it should.

We're all going to look back at this era of minimalism and be like, fucking millennials.

Need to swing violently into maximalism for

branding.

Give me complicated crests and all kinds of crazy filigree and nonsense.

It's hard to do it correctly because when you have so much shit in a logo or in a thing, it's like, oh, well, that actually is kind of ugly, isn't it?

You didn't do a very good job.

But also, if it doesn't have anything in it, it can still be ugly.

It's not ugly just because it's simple.

It's just boring and ugly.

Yeah, I know that's going around.

The Cracker Barrel one is the hot topic of the day, but there's so many companies that just like deleted any character they had in their entire company's logo branding just with like a make it the letter F

for whatever.

Cool.

Toys R Us is such a big rebrand that you don't even see any letters now.

I thought they were coming back.

Didn't someone buy Jeffree?

Did they?

I thought they got, I thought they got bought, but I didn't, I don't know if there was, if they're going to relaunch it or what.

Thing that blows my mind about Cracker Barrel is they didn't just change the logo, they changed the entire interior, which I...

Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah, the entire interior is like this IKEA modernist, like weird design Art Deco kind of.

Well, they can't be be called cracker barrel.

They should be called like smooth boring.

Smooth boring is kind of right.

I know they probably didn't get rid of all the old decorations.

I hope this is a big ploy to get people to come back as soon as they change it all back.

But for $700 million,

you know what we could do with $700 million?

Lots of stuff, I assume.

We could renovate Cincinnati's subway system and make it up and functional with $700 million.

Less, actually.

Or really big boat.

How much is the most expensive expensive yacht?

It better be able to go to space for 700 million.

No, it's all right.

Most expensive yacht is $4.8 billion.

So let's just get the subway system in Cincinnati going and then buy it.

You could still have a boat with the leftovers.

We could still get a pretty good yacht for like $10 million.

Yeah, exactly.

It's assumed so, yeah.

You can get something that they refer to as a super yacht for $1.5 to $3 million.

Is that enough yacht for you, Wade?

A super yacht for $3 million?

Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be good.

That'd be a big enough boat for.

Listen, I don't even need that big.

I like boat.

Nice pontoon.

Nice.

What's the nicest pontoon cost?

We could definitely afford the nicest pontoon boat.

All right, let's plan out Wade's retirement.

How many pontoons can he buy?

Oh, a pontoon.

You could get a 21-footer for $29,000.

25-footer for $29,000, actually.

Why not even get a car?

I should have just gotten a boat.

Yeah, no, you probably should have.

I mean, let's be honest, your car was a boat for a while there.

under the ocean.

Got him.

Anyway, yeah, so we kick around like 500 million for the Cincinnati subway.

Hey, we could probably take it all the way up to Columbus, connect those, forget Cleveland, connect those.

Do we have 700 million?

Is someone giving us that?

Cracker Barrel had it.

So they spent, they put it somewhere.

We just got to intercept that and then bring it back.

Also, did you see the person on the suburb that assumed when I said we could connect all the cities in America for rail?

Meant I meant literally every city would connect to every other city instead of there would be a good network between the cities.

No, every single city gets its own line.

The people in the comments pointed it out, and I'm like, I was laughing.

It was very funny.

I knew what you meant.

Millions of train lines between each individual city, obviously.

Also, Bob, you didn't tell me how ugly their actual car was, too.

Which car?

It's like the preview of the type Double Zero.

Well, that's like a concept, but yeah, it's not great.

Honestly,

if I'm looking at the design,

I wouldn't want that.

It's not my thing.

But there are aspects of the Double Zero where it's like, if you did that, but better, maybe.

I'd never seen.

It has an engine in the back, I'm guessing.

That's why it has a real rear grille.

But that look of the rear grill

still doesn't look very good.

Are there no windows?

Is it one giant windshield?

I mean, there are separate panels in it, I think.

But yeah, it's one.

It's like wrap around glass, the like windshield into the side windows and stuff.

It kind of looks like a Grand Theft Auto 3 like sports car, like a cheetah or something.

I can see what you're saying.

Yeah.

Yeah, it kind of does.

Yeah.

Also, I just assumed it's electric because it's new and looks ridiculous.

Well, I've got like 10 minutes left to do an episode.

Do you guys want to do an episode?

I have more small talk.

No, I'm actually.

Yeah, I got nothing else.

Oh, no, guys, come on.

More small talk.

I wish.

I wish I'm in.

I wish, man.

I'll host again, so I'd love to say this.

I've got so many topics for this.

I wish, man.

I wish.

All right.

Well, if there's a part two to this, just know.

It's not because I'm lazy on topic creations because I didn't get to all of my beautiful topics.

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we've done episodes where we've talked about things like um tier lists for santa and ginger deadmen and stuff like that

yeah sure but it's time for us to look deeper into the folklore things like the tooth fairy the easter bunny santa we need more mascots but we we need them for like adults, folklore mascots to help adults accomplish tasks.

Kids have a few, adults need some.

So we need like an Easter bunny or tooth fairy equivalent for some different things.

And I've got some topics, and you guys can either disagree or work together to come up with the right mascot.

It's really up to you.

This is all about creating the best that we can.

And we're going to start with one that, you know, Bob, I guess I should have given you like a segue point, but I didn't, and I'm too lazy now.

I'll take it.

Yeah, that's totally fair.

Okay.

There you go, Mark.

You got it.

Thank you.

When you have like a yard you have to worry about, which people have like rock gardens or apartments, which is nice because you get to avoid this.

But like if you have a yard and you have like any kind of gardening and stuff you need to do, you have to worry about weeds, mowing the grass, and tree trimming and bush trimming and all that stuff.

We need a mascot for that.

We need someone to come in.

and reward you for doing your yard work.

So, you know, Easter Bunny brings a basket, Santa brings presents, Tooth Fairy leaves money under your pillow.

We got to figure out what they're going to leave, what you have to do, and what they look like, who they are.

This is our first task: the yard.

All right.

So, before he gets started, tell me everything you just said again.

Tooth fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny, but for yard work.

I hear you.

The whole thing.

I was not paying attention for the explanation of it.

I was not paying attention for any of it.

Okay.

Let me throw some words here.

Folklore.

Okay.

Easter bunny.

Gotcha.

Tooth fairy, Santa.

Probably not real.

Whoa.

Yikes.

So we're going to make our own that could be real.

Maybe we can wish them into reality for yard work.

So we're going to create like the tooth fairy or Santa that are going to be encouraging for adults to do yard work.

We got other topics, but this is the first one.

Yard work's the first one.

Create for me who is going to reward you and what they give you for doing your yard work.

I can't get out of my head.

I'm seeing like a flying rake.

The rake?

You're talking about the rake?

This is kind of a kind of a Krampus figure.

It's not that you are rewarded with good things for doing the yard work.

It's that the rake is not going to hurt you if you do what you're supposed to do.

But if you don't do the yard work, the rake comes and rakes you into its giant sack and then flies you away to some big compost heap or something and you have to smell shit for the rest of eternity.

I don't know if the rake can talk, or if it's really more of just like a, if it shows up, that's bad news and you know it type situation.

I just can't get this image out of my head.

All right, a different take on the rake, which is a cryptid.

We could call him rake man, skyrake.

No, let's workshop it.

Let's kick it to the workshop.

Raker.

Yeah.

All right, okay.

Don't like that last one.

It's gonna rake you.

Don't like it.

It's gonna rake you into a sack.

He's gonna come and

then dump you in a pile of shit.

Shit sack.

Is it a person?

Is it like just a floating rake?

It's just the rake.

I think it can't talk, but it can project thoughts into your brain.

So it's that kind of thing where, like, if the rake appears and you make you look at it and like make it lock eye contact with it, you'll get like that voice in your head.

If you lock onto it, you're like, you should have mowed the lawn by now.

Come outside so I can get you into my sack.

It knows when you've been weeding.

It knows when water's due.

It's kind of demonic, I guess.

That's where that's coming from.

Well, the thing is, like mowing your lawn and keeping your lawn nice is just a societal construct.

So is the rake actually a natural force or is it some kind of imposed creation to enforce this?

Oh, it's like an AI autonomous rake that's just gone crazy.

It's like an HOA thing.

Yeah.

The HOA folklores.

I mean, the HOA would be some embodiment of the yard demon.

Make sure you do your work.

But okay, let's...

I'm okay with the rake so long as this is an HOA experiment in the HOA labs to create the demon of our nightmares to enforce the policy.

Like it looks at the approved shrubbery list, and if there's even a single leaf that's not right on your bush, it rips them all up.

I've had that happen before.

You're out there mowing your lawn, trying to follow the rules, and the rake appears in front of you and walks on him.

I notice your door is a non-approved color.

We're gonna need you to repaint your entire house.

We can see your garbage cans from the curb.

You're gonna need to cover them or bring them around the back.

But it's an elevation change to the backyard's whole floor down to build a paddock.

This happened to Ethan.

Yeah, I like that.

That is scary.

I think everyone could agree that we don't like that.

The HOA rake.

Yeah, we don't like that.

I like him.

So long as it's HOA made, I think I'm okay with this.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Maybe you guys could go terrifying with this one, too.

I don't know.

But what about one that helps adults maintain friendships and relationships?

Sometimes as we get older, we have jobs, we have families live, and we kind of grow apart.

But it's important to maintain some friendships and some socializing.

And I think we need a mascot to help encourage or reward that or punish if you don't, I guess.

No, no, they're not all gonna be negative.

I just it just felt right for yard work to me.

They can be positive.

You're you're right, and I didn't consider it.

I'm gonna, I'm letting it, I'm opening the door for all possibilities here.

So, what were you saying, man?

The paying attention points definitely going to bomb if we land on that today.

But, uh, did you hit, did you get a new category?

What's the new category?

Maintaining friendships and relationships,

of course,

we're finding new ones if your previous ones suck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

So, it's the friendship demon, right?

Okay.

Well, I mean, I'm just saying, is that all right?

They're all demons of some kind.

Is this a nice demon?

No.

Yes.

Yes.

It is very nice, but I'm thinking, you know, it's like maintaining friendships is also responsible for putting people in the friend zone.

Like, they are, they're not evil by nature, but they're a magnetic force to be only friends and keep you as friends.

So they repel you away from anything more deeper and like elevating into relationships and whatnot, or, you know, romantic relationships, but they also keep you in the friend zone.

Why do I feel like we're going to encourage people to perform exorcisms on those that friend zone them?

Hey, whatever it takes, it's the friend zone entity, the FZE,

the fuzzy.

Bob, help me with the name here.

Kids call them Fozzies.

Yeah, you get what I'm saying, right?

It's this ring.

It's like the purity ring, you know, but of friends.

They help you keep your friends.

They're the warm fuzzies.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah.

The warm fuzzies.

The warm fuzzies, the fuzzies, what are we calling it?

He just said it.

Listen, Wade.

Next time, Bob says something, listen.

Okay?

All right.

Okay.

I am stabbing you virtually in Minecraft, allegedly.

I think you're allowed to stab him in Minecraft.

I don't think you have to.

Is there a punishment?

Or this doesn't feel like it has a punishment vibe.

This is really more like the thing is that you get friend zoned, right?

There's a risk to this.

But really, what they do is they just magnetically attract you to other people.

They magically encourage you to hang around other people.

Just the risk is if you indulge the warm fuzzies, you can and will get friend zoned if you're not careful.

And what's funny is it applies the same things as like the weak nuclear force and like the strong nuclear force, where if you were to have enough energy to enter beyond the friend zone, that would be fusion, it would result in a catastrophic explosion, and everyone would die around.

But also, if you were to escape, that would be fission, and it would be a less catastrophic but still very bad energetic release.

So, you're trapped in the friend zone, both by the forces that keep you there, but once you're there, you can neither get closer or escape, or you kill everyone around you.

It's like the friend end horizon, the Fresent Horizon, the Friend Zone Horizon.

Bob, you're the name guy.

You're the name guy.

Yeah, yeah.

No, there's something in that.

The if Friend Horizon.

Friend Zent Horizon.

Friendscape Velocity.

The F.

The Buddy Horizon.

Making a Fred is a bit of an event.

So what about just like an event?

The pal hole.

Or the chum hole.

Ooh, the chum hole.

The chum hole.

What?

Don't.

You made us you made us invent the chum hole it's the chum hole it's the chum hole ages are important don't lose yours i don't feel like anyone could misconstrue what we said i don't either i definitely don't either i feel like that one is self-explanatory this one this one's a difficult one to deal with and i think um we can come up with a good a good mascot to help with this as we become adults and get older We watch the adults that were adults when we were kids also get older.

And that's hard.

It's hard watching people age.

Including ourselves.

True empaths understand how hard that can be.

Okay.

So we need something or someone to aid in helping us get through that.

This demon

is called pilosand.

It's actually a demon that can possess small particles of sand and flies around in kind of a cloud form and can sense when someone is having this exact issue that you're talking about and they're having a hard time coming to grips with seeing people that have always been older than them continue to be the same amount older than them, and that just being older because everyone gets older because of how time works.

And Pylosand comes and is summoned and goes from being a cloud, a spread-out cloud of particles in the air, to a pile of sand on the ground.

And you can just stick your head in that sand and then you don't have to see nothing.

Pylosand just wants you to not have to deal with the realities of the world, not have to face any emotions or complicated bullshit.

You can just stick your head in Pylosand, and everything is fine.

Because if you ignore it, it's not real.

That's Pylosin's message.

Mark, do you need to help?

Are you with this?

No.

Shush.

Your honor, please.

Shush.

May I shush the bench?

Uh, okay, so getting watching people get older is, you know, it's

what I think of in The Watchman, you know, that three-day-long movie that everyone's seen, yeah?

Blue penis.

Yes, blue penis.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Blue, blue penis.

You remember what he said when his girlfriend, wife, whatever, um, was yelling at him because he was cheating on her?

This is not not being derogatory to her.

You can't have any more blue penis.

That's what he yelled at her.

And then

he went to Mars.

Yeah, pretty much.

He said that he could, that when, you know, she, he was able to watch his wife grow older visibly every day.

I think Dr.

Manhattan is the entity for watching people get older because he can notice every single cell getting older as it goes along.

And if you need to put things in perspective, you're like, oh, man, they're getting old so quickly.

What do you think it's like to him?

He'll show you.

both his penis and he'll zoom in microscopically so you can see like there's a cell oh that cell oh that cell cell didn't replicate so well.

Oh, no.

Oh, collagen depleting over there.

Oh, no.

Oh, bones getting a little porous.

You know?

I like Bob's.

I was just coming around to yours.

I like the idea that you have, like, a button or like a Dr.

Manhattan symbol.

And every time you summon him, he shows up and he's like, Blue penis?

And you're like, no, no, no.

Mom's looking old.

Like,

can we, can you, not, not the penis thing.

Just look at mom.

Let me know.

Tell me how it's going.

Look, this penis doesn't get any older.

You know what I mean?

Does get bluer.

Only bluer.

I hate this.

I hate this.

Dr.

Manhattan or

Pylosan.

No, yeah, don't.

I withdraw mine.

It's called Pylosand.

Pylosand.

But not Palasan, which is the Pokemon.

All right.

Well, I don't know how to do the points on this because you agreed with Mark and Mark agreed with you and neither one of you liked your own idea in the end or maybe you still did, Bob, but Mark didn't like his idea in the end.

Whoever has the bluest penis should get that point.

Oh!

Mark doesn't count if you shove a carrot down there.

That's orange.

I bet your penis would be choking and turning blue from lack of oxygen.

What the fuck?

I didn't choke.

But your penis did?

Nothing choked.

Okay.

All right, Bob.

This one

has more to do with you, but you both can definitely contribute to this.

Parenting.

You know the pros, the cons, the struggles, the challenges of parenting.

What mascot would be there that would help you get through those ups and downs?

Is it supposed to help?

That's the idea.

Maybe it thinks that it helps.

Maybe it's not supposed to, but.

So this demon takes the form of

basically a Reddit.

It's like a big online forum.

And whatever current parenting issue you're coming up against, whether you want it or not, the moment in your head that you're like, oh, what do I do?

Oh, it pops up filled with people giving you helpful advice.

But the helpful advice is often in all caps, often has strong implications that you're abusing your child, or that you're unfit to be a parent, or that you should feel embarrassed about the decision that you've made, or that they're just talking about how they've never let their child even see the light of an electronic screen, that they subsist on the dew of the morning grass and the power of the universe, and that's the only thing their child needs to be fully entertained and content on a day-to-day basis.

So it's helpful.

It's offering you helpful advice on every problem that you might come up against in that way.

Sorry, I got distracted by Mark's hand puppet.

What do you mean?

Bob, can you see this?

Yeah.

Oh, damn.

Yeah, no, it's still there.

All right.

You guys are in full screen mode.

I see.

I see.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Never mind then.

Just hoping to distract Wade only.

There, I won't look.

You get Wade.

I won't look.

All right.

How about this?

It's blending into my shirt.

Yeah, maybe on the wheel spin, you can compare the colors.

So tell us about your parenting mascot, Mark.

Can't be a parent without sex.

Don't care what those uppity's in the lab say.

You gotta have sex to be a parent.

I say we already have this mascot.

This is Cupid.

Maybe not responsible parenting, but I would say no other mascot has made more parents than Cupid.

Whether or not this is drunk and in the backseat of a car, oops, no condom.

There's a baby.

You know, oh no,

I did it.

There's a baby.

You know.

Ah, we fell down the stairs.

Oh, no, baby.

We all know here how babies are done.

Baby, you know?

She went to shake my hand and I,

baby.

I'm late filing my taxes and my period, baby.

Doctor, we have broken every bone in our body throwing ourselves down the stairs and we still can't get pregnant.

What are we doing wrong?

Flip, baby.

Well, that was an easy.

I like the simplicity of Mark's amber.

Yeah, Cupid.

He already is there.

She, is Cupid a guy or a girl?

These are like a little baby man thing with with a cherub.

Uh, it's like a cherub.

Do they are they gendered?

I mean, they look like I think they're just kind of babies.

I don't know.

What's the other one?

Aphrodite?

Isn't that also a god of love of some kind?

The Greek, Greek goddess of love, or is that the god of lust or something like that?

God of lust versus love.

Hmm.

Lust is a sin.

Okay, we got Anon Sa, goddess of the sea, allure, and beauty.

Baron LaCroix, Loa of the dead, and sexuality.

Whoa.

Interesting.

This is from West African Congo.

Vodun.

You got Baron LaCroix, Baron Samedi, and Ezruli Freda de Homie.

Ezruli the homie?

What did you say?

You heard me as rulie Frida de homie.

Love, beauty, jewelry, dancing, lottery, and flowers.

That's a nice combo.

Great, that's a pretty good combo.

If you're rolling stats on that, you know.

You're not.

Sex isn't in there, but at least you're not the god of dead and sex.

You don't want to mix your sex and death.

Not always.

Anyway, I don't know what I was talking about.

Ah, Greek is Greek is Aphrodite.

Roman is Cupid.

Oh, okay.

I didn't know Cupid was Rome.

No, but that's not the equivalent.

Venus is the Roman equivalent of.

Okay, I'm getting to think they didn't know what they were talking about.

I'm your Cupid.

I'm your fire.

Yeah, it does have the same ring to it.

It's him, Cupid.

Get him!

Man, I've got some more of these, but I just wouldn't want to push.

We'll probably probably have to do a whole other episode of this sometime, so I'm just going to put those in the back burner.

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I'll come back.

Youtine, adjective.

Used to describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained.

One who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly.

They do not always show up on time, but when they arrive, you notice an individual confident in their contradictions.

They know the rules, but behave as if they do not exist.

New team.

The new fragrance by Mew Mew.

Defined by you.

How many more?

How many more you got?

Six.

We did like four.

I guess part two of people like this.

Maybe part two one day.

In the meantime, let me go through the points I did record.

I'll start with myself.

I had at least 17 points, probably.

Let's see.

I got one.

Dumbbell porn.

No, dumbbell pun.

Dumbbell porn.

Dumbbell pun.

I hope someone took out their headphones at that exact moment that you said it and it played loud.

Dumbbell porn.

Porn alert.

Porn alert.

Porn alert.

This guy's listening to porn.

Hopefully, that helps someone at their job.

Bob, you got points for the new jungle because it reminded me of the fridge jungle.

Unis Anis is dead.

Weed trimmer noises.

Rake.

Giant sack.

Jaguar.

Warm fuzzies, fuzzies.

So this demon, because you just kept saying the callbacks to this demon, I like that.

The Reddit demon.

And did you say Pala Sand, the Pokemon?

Pile of sand, pile of sand, pile sand, sand, mark, you got points for.

Da Vinci, Henry's Orange Tree, an AI assassin, your cord.

Nick Hart.

I don't remember Nick Hart.

He's from Black Magic Design.

Black Magic Design.

Cracker Barrel.

That says Cracker Barrel.

Bob's point, because Bob agreed to give you a point at one point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

HOA Experiment.

Friendship Demon.

Shush the Bench.

Dr.

Manhattan.

I don't know.

Fusions, Explosions, something.

Rambling.

And Cupid makes parents.

That brings our current score.

Mark at 12.

Bob at 9, me at 1.

The switching of Bob's point really made a difference here.

I declare unfair on the final point totals.

Okay.

What are we going to...

No points?

No points?

No points?

No points?

That would make it.

Yeah, so what does this change?

Do I reverse them?

If it is unfair and I win, I think they should be reversed.

And

if it's fair, then they'd stay the same.

And if it's to be made doubly fair, I guess Mark should probably get double points or some shit.

Well, no, everyone would get double points.

It'd be doubly fair.

Yeah, that's true.

And then we'd be doubly distant, but not impossibly distant.

Well, it'd still be impossibly distant.

All right.

So I reverse the points if it's if it's all heads.

Okay.

I got heads.

Oh.

Oh.

I got heads.

But hold on.

If I reverse the points, don't I end up with 12?

No, you don't.

It's just me and him.

Ah, fuck.

I really thought I was going to give myself the win there.

I can't believe that worked.

Fine.

I could still win this, though.

If we get golf rules now, I'm going to fucking riot.

Well, let's see the wheels.

We get to see how many spins we get.

The more the better for Mark, who was winning this until Bob's Perfect Heads coin flip call, which I don't know how I was winning it.

Honestly, I think that was inappropriate, unfair, because I was not paying attention the entire episode.

I'm not going to lie.

Yeah, Mark was literally not even paying attention half the time.

I was really working here.

I was really doing stuff.

I just wrote stuff down.

Don't ask me.

I just keep the points.

All right.

How many points shall there be?

One wheel spin to rule them all.

God, fucking damn.

It better be golf rules.

God damn.

Do we have free parking?

Just nothing happens?

We have a do-nothing square, I think, but I don't know if we have something golf.

You could put free parking.

Oh, man, I really want free parking.

Free parking.

Now, do we play the monopoly rules where some penalty goes on free parking?

If you land on free parking, the points accrue on free parking.

Ooh, yeah.

No, what if, what if every point that's taken away goes into free parking?

We'd have to keep track of it, but I think it'd be fun.

I could have the wheel up and just keep adding anytime a point gets taken away.

We'd have to remember.

But if we remember it, sure, why not?

I'll put zero points on it right now.

Does it start with anything or does it start at zero?

It starts at zero and then like as like you pay bills and stuff, they start accruing.

But the first time someone lands there, it could be a nothing.

If we can remember, anytime points are taken away, they go into free parking.

Okay, every time points are taken away, they go to free parking.

Okay, weird scenario.

What if points are taken away and then like unfair is declared and those points are, or the lie thing happens where they become points?

Do they still stay on free parking because they were originally negative points?

It's like

magic rules.

Once a stack is resolved,

those are all done.

So you can unwind specific parts, but like the free parking is in its own separate thing, I think.

Hey, I like it.

Let's do it.

All right.

One spin to rule them all.

All right.

This is going to be a hell of a point.

I swear to God, if it surprised golf rules.

Oof.

All right.

Most traveled since last episode.

I haven't gone anywhere.

Yeah, I haven't really gone anywhere either.

I went 10 minutes away from my house once.

I went to an office, which is the same distance, but probably took twice or three times the time to get to.

Yeah, Mark drove a mile, which is about an hour and a half in LA traffic.

Okay, wow.

All right.

It wasn't actually that bad.

Do we want to respin this?

Probably.

If we can't really determine who traveled the most, it's probably a respin.

Don't do it to me.

Don't do it to me.

No!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, my!

You gotta be fucking killing me!

Fucking God!

No!

Oh!

We have 66 options.

There was a 1 in 66 chance of that happening.

You won the coin flip just to get golf ruled.

Oh, man.

That's crazy.

That's a crazy finish.

Oh, man.

Bob continues to be screwed by random chance, even when it's on his side.

I don't understand.

That was what, a one in six?

One in 66.

But with the gall with the coin flip included.

Oh, the coin flip was a one in eight.

So one in eight times one in 66 chance.

The odds of the coin flip favoring you just for you to lose that.

It's probably worse than that.

I don't know.

Anyway, Mark, you are back on top.

You win.

Is this my winner's piece?

Yeah, please.

I didn't pay attention to all this episode, but I was paying attention when it counted, when that wheel was spinning.

And much like everything in my life, as soon as I start paying attention to it, it becomes real.

Everything that's out of my periphery is not real.

We are only what we observe to be.

And once we stop observing, might as well be dead because we are.

Thank you.

Well said.

Bob, I hope you've had a minute to formulate your loser's speech because the ups and downs of the last few minutes for you are severe.

The overall probability of that happening is 0.19%.

19 times in a thousand?

Is that what it is?

Or is it even worse than that?

Yeah, no, 19 thousandths.

19 times in 10,000?

Oh, no, yeah, it would be 19 ten thousandths.

Or a little less than two thousandths.

Two out of a thousand.

I deserve that.

I deserve that.

I knew I was tempting the fates what I decided to call the entire result of the episode unfair.

I knew that that was a stretch.

I thought it'd be funny, and I didn't think I'd get the one and a chance of getting all heads.

I just thought it would be funny, and I could put I could protest, and it would give me and then I brought it on myself.

Honestly, I manifested that into my own life, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I run the wheel, and it's literally just a

piece of software I downloaded from the Microsoft store.

There's no way to manipulate how it out comes.

That's so fucking unlikely.

I don't,

I deserve that.

If it makes you feel any better, I actually threw.

Because surprise golf rules, I was on the scoreboard.

So I think with surprise golf rules, being as anyone who's on the scoreboard is eligible when golf rules comes about, aren't they?

It's not just the two competitors.

We had sort of talked about that being a possibility.

I think we reserved it for the viewers and listeners, but, you know...

I forgot that you were on the board.

I forgot.

I didn't submit my scorecard in time.

So it's like I had the winning lotto ticket, but the numbers expired.

If no one noticed and you already said that Mark wins, then there's really nothing that can be done.

You guys did the speeches, and I just now looked down and was like, wait, I was the lowest score.

I deserve this loss too, I guess.

So, um, okay, episode me.

Great job, you two.

You can find Mark at Markiplier, Bob at MySkirm, me at Minion77, or Lord Minion777.

Stay tuned for the next one.

Stay tuned for the next one where Mark will host.

I had to double-check.

The score changed so dramatically.

I had to double-check what the final results were.

Mark will be your host.

Until then, podcast out.