Bob's One Man Show

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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible.

This episode, Winky Wade small talks trash and mispronounces literally everything.

Marvelous Mark devises and enforces this hilarious attempted humiliation ritual.

That big, brave Bob walks on glass and gives a tour to force by emphatically dancing through the trials of the Terror Twins.

From a frenzied intro to a father's love.

Pass!

It's time for

Bob's Wild Man Show.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Read all instructions in parentheses aloud.

Hello and welcome to Distractible.

My name is Bob Milky Nips and I will be your host on today's episode.

It's going to be a fire one today, filled to the brim with milk goodness from your favorite Milky Man, Blorb.

Blorb?

Ha!

Oh man, I must be sleepy or something.

Let me try that again.

Hi there and welcome to Distractible.

My name is Blorb Muncher and I'm going to host you today.

Whoa, Epity Alarm, EP alarm.

I didn't sleep so good.

What did the baby and all?

Descend into 1920s gangster accent.

Yeah.

A little...

Wait, hang on.

Do I know that accent?

Little crybord, that one.

Just another one of the boys.

But if he tries to make a move on me, plural possessive, he's going to be sleeping with the fishes.

And by fishes, I mean the stuffed fish toy I gave him for his third birthday.

That hasn't happened yet.

That was my own parenthetical.

Did somebody say turd?

Welcome to the 8th of Turdmember!

Turtember!

Welcome to the 12th of Plunge Tember.

Alternates for the right day to hit.

Read all of them in sequence.

Welcome to the 15th of Flush Tember.

Welcome to the 9th or third accurate date.

Read verbatim of Poop Tember.

Welcome to the 22nd of Diariember.

I'm your host.

You should be out of the gangster angst by now.

Big Bass Sassafras, and I'll be guiding you through my impeccable and topical one-man show.

Hey, wow, can you imagine the amount of work I put into making this something special for you?

Please stand up and twirl like a ballerina.

Oh, I had to read all this ahead of time.

Slam both palms on your desk and act surprised.

Make pogface.

What's pog face?

Give me an example.

Okay.

Oh my good gravy gracious.

I nearly forgot to tell you.

This should be shouted if you didn't shout it.

please read again and shout.

I shouted, right?

No.

No.

Okay.

Oh, my good gravy gracious.

I nearly forgot to tell you.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

This is so exciting for me to deliver you this incredible news.

Clarity on previous instruction: it was to read and then shout.

If you went back to reread but delivered the lines in a shouting manner, please go back and read each word individually with a scream of fear in between each word.

If you somehow managed to do it as instructed, go back and do it anyway, starting with the palm slamming on the desk and add a small bounce in between each word as you shout.

Oh,

ha, my, ha, good, ha, gravy, ha, gracious, ho, I nearly forgot to

tell who you

this part should be shouted.

This haul should be shouted.

If you

what?

No, go on.

Okay.

Wow, wow, oh, wow,

This haul is all so exciting.

Oh, for me.

Ho to haul.

Deliver.

Oh, you.

Oh, this

incredible haul news.

All right, you're clear of the shadow.

You're good.

Okay, so that destruction's over.

Yeah, yeah, it's over.

Okay, I'm joined by my good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

You may not skip a single one of these.

Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.

Friends, Mark, Markiplier, Fishbach, and Wade.

He does have a real car that exists.

Barnes.

Twirl and gesture elegantly to both of your co-hosts.

Bow reverently, blow kisses, clap your hands with glee and giddiness.

Allow your overlords to introduce themselves.

What was the next one?

Oh, man.

Thank you, Bob.

I hate to intrude on your one-man show.

But, Wade,

I don't know if you caught that, but I think you missed a good.

I think there was.

I missed good.

I think there was

so I think he should go back to the top and take it run again.

We'll just edit.

Oh, and now hold on by top.

Read all instructions in parentheses aloud.

Hello, and welcome to Distractible.

My name is Bob Milky Niffs, and I will be don't say things if you don't mean them.

You said top, man.

I don't know.

All right.

We'll forgive you for that one.

I mean, you know, we mess up these intros all the time, but I'm Mark.

Can you tell who wrote the intro, Bob?

I have a guess.

I know which one of you uses words like reverently and glee and giddiness.

It was Amy.

But yeah, Wade.

Hey, man.

Thank you for the great introduction.

Appreciate that.

Hopefully you got your energy going.

You're wide awake, ready to go.

I'm EP.

Didn't you hear me?

Yes.

Sorry, am I not supposed to interject?

Am I just supposed to sit quietly?

Oh, you're the host, man.

Yeah, you are.

This is your show.

It's your show.

We're just here to tell you when you do it wrong, to yell at you, laugh at you, and make you suffer.

The rest is all you.

Well, anyway,

we are all here to enjoy.

All right, we're going to torture you.

I hadn't guessed that yet.

That first part was all good fun.

It was.

It was really good.

We really had a great time.

The shouts of fear between Ditchword was so much better than I imagined it to be.

I actually thought you might knock yourself out.

I am sweaty already, so that's a bad start.

That's good.

That's good.

Well,

we can let you relax.

So,

I mean, usually we do small talk, so we could.

I shattered a glass on my foot right before this.

Hmm.

Just to feel something?

No,

just to scare the shit out of myself.

And then the dog dog and then the baby all came home all at once and we're all glass on the floor stomp stomp stomp stomp put it in your mouth whatever that's fun was it at least empty so that way there wasn't mess on top of mess i can't even explain why but it was full of magnets which didn't really cause any problems it's just weird i have no further questions yeah why was the glass full of magnets okay mark has they were fridge magnets but like they weren't on the fridge but they were designed to go on the fridge but that's where we keep them oh i have a little update this this arrived.

This thing.

Oh,

but I haven't used it yet, so I have no idea if it's any good.

Okay, I thought you were about to absolutely blast them.

No, but I will.

Don't worry.

Did you see they've made a couple of TikToks being really hyped up?

They're jumping the gun a bit on whether or not I'll like this or not.

They're getting a little excited.

I don't know.

Oh, yeah, this comes up.

That's fine.

I don't think that I can't hear you, so it sounds like you're just mumbling crazy to yourself.

That's because I'm so far away.

I can't.

All right.

So,

Wade, you got any news before we jump into this beautiful.

Yesterday was garbage night.

That's it.

That's the most exciting thing in your life.

All right, we'll save it for the next one.

You know, when you were over at the house last weekend and we had kind of too much food for everyone and we put out a big plate of shrimp and zero people ate any shrimp.

I remember seeing shrimp, but yeah, I believe that.

Shrimp makes garbage smell so fucking nasty.

Yeah, it would.

Any seafood would, yeah.

We like, we ate as many as we could, but then some of them ended up going bad.

And our whole group, for like a day and a half, our whole fucking garage smelled so bad.

I should have choked him in the freezer or something, but I was like, ah, it's like trash day tomorrow or the next day or something.

And just put them in the trash like an idiot.

We have similar issues with teeters using potty pads.

Turns out, cooped up in a humid, hot garage does not smell great.

Yeah, you got to really bag that stuff up.

Yeah, even bagged up, just a little leakage.

You got gotta really seal those or any single leak is a problem.

Yeah, that brand new car smells shifting real quick to something else.

Bob, you warmed up?

How could I not be?

All right, good.

Welcome to guest.

What was the name of the other episode?

Guess that animal!

Animal guests!

Guess the guest animal.

It was your episode.

What are you looking at us about?

I can't remember.

I never know what their names are.

I have no idea what that was called.

I'm pretty sure it was called, what animal was that that you heard just now?

It was probably called like Bob Meows at 22 minutes or something.

It was probably something like that.

Well, anyway, so we didn't have time to source up any animal noises.

So, Bob, you're going to be providing the animal noises.

Sure, sure.

Yeah, we're going to tell you what the animal was.

And if we guess what it is, we get a point.

I feel like you should know what it is if you're going to tell me what it is.

I don't know.

Oh, do I get to pick whatever animals I want?

Yeah, why not?

Unless, Wade, you had another way you wanted this code.

No, I mean, I had some stuff listed, but we can totally let him.

All right, Bob, here's how it's going to go.

We're going to give you a list of these animals.

You can't look them up, but we're sure that you know them.

You're going to do an impression of those animals.

We're going to have to guess which one it is, and whoever guesses will get a point.

Why is it spaced like this?

I'm formatting.

I literally said there's a bit of a formatting error.

I'm going to fix it.

It's because a document.

What do you mean?

You're looking at the same document I have.

Ugh.

What happened?

What went wrong?

I was trying to fix it, but then you were like, whoa, those documents.

How is this causing strife between you two?

Because I find it hilarious.

It's fine.

It's fine.

All right, Bob, are you ready?

Oh, yeah.

I'm going to kick your butt, Wade.

All right.

Don't tell us the name of what it is.

We'll guess.

All right.

Yep.

I got it.

In no particular order.

Oh, Mark, I got a guess for this one.

Oh, you got a guess?

Ah, damn.

That's it.

That's the whole sound.

I think that's the sound.

Are we just guessing now?

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

The Dickinsonia.

You wish.

It's the Jagd Terrier.

It's pronounced Jagd Terrier, but no, it's not that.

Why do we have to be the ones to pronounce these?

I picked some of these things to make him pronounce them.

Because he has to make the animal noises, man.

Do you want to make the animal noises?

Oh, what a twist of events now.

Come on, you can read these.

All right.

X.

Zala is quintili.

Is that the one?

No.

Here, let me do it again.

Think, think.

What sounds like this?

Ow, ow.

I know what it is.

Dang, buzz, bamboo worms.

Yes, thank you.

Yeah, you're keeping track of points, right?

Me?

Yeah.

Sure, sure, sure.

All right, wait.

I'm going to kick your butt this episode.

Apparently, I, man, how'd you, how'd you get what else sounds like that?

That sounds like worms.

I mean, it could have been the

lassipu, you know, the fertiland snake as like an embryo or something like that.

We'll wax you.

Do you guys have any points yet?

I do.

Yeah, aside from the one.

Probably tons.

All right, next one.

Could be anything.

That's your guess first.

I went first last time.

It's got to be the Furtaland snake.

That is not what snakes sound like.

Damn.

The Pesquitz parrot.

Dracula parrot.

Pesque's parrot?

No, it is not that.

Is it the red-tailed cuckoo bumblebee?

Is that one animal?

No, that isn't one animal.

It's not either of those, or if that's one animal, it's definitely not that.

Been married for seven years.

Is that Molly?

She's not on the list.

Oh, she is on the list.

Sometimes.

It's a hard to pronounce one.

Do you want a clue?

Yeah, do you want a clue?

It's hard to pronounce.

Gomphotherium.

That's not hard to pronounce.

It's hard for me.

Gomphotherium.

Tevlazebez.

I'm sorry, what?

Tezlafes.

Cephalazepis.

Nope.

Keep going.

No, I don't know what you were saying.

Keep trying.

Oh.

Cephalespis.

Cephalaspis?

Cephalaspis.

Oh, no, it's not that.

Okay.

It's a festal cuckoo bumblebee.

No, but I like how many bumblebees there are on this list.

You said it's hard to pronounce.

Yorkie Polo?

Yorkipoo?

The dog breed?

Yorkipoo?

Yeah.

No, it's not that.

Cuckoo!

Cuckoo!

Cuckoff!

These impressions just aren't great.

This makes this tough.

I feel like this is going to be spot on when we check this one.

Ichadiptes?

No.

No?

Ah, damn.

No.

It's two words.

Eared gravy.

Greeby.

Grebe.

No.

It's Hammond's flycatcher.

No.

No.

Oh, damn.

Seshuan taken?

Tibetan taken.

Two words, just ones in parentheses.

Two sets of two words.

No, you guys are really digging all the way down until it's going to be the last one that is two words.

I got it.

I got it.

It's the Quetzal Cotlus Northrop.

No, that can't be it.

That is it.

You guys are idiots.

Hey, whoa, hey.

It's the Quetzalcoatl

Cotlus Northropi.

It's a dinosaur bird.

You know what Quetzalcottlis is?

Wait, how did you know what that was?

Because I know what the fuck a Quetzalcotlus is.

Because it's a kind of dinosaur thing.

And James likes likes dinosaurs.

I didn't know we had dinosaurs on this list.

I'm not going to lie.

I didn't either.

I didn't actually look at what the animals were.

I didn't either.

I just picked out fun names.

All right.

Well, that's to me.

I'm.

I feel like you were trying to make me look stupid, and it's really backfiring.

This is a little...

I get it now.

Theomph was clearly big leather wings.

I see.

Yeah.

Well, you're going to look like a fool when you do another impression.

This is going to look bad on you and not us.

I thought we thought this one through.

again did we do this a little wrong we should make him guess his own impression that doesn't make sense

we should have warmed up i've got one i've got one you ready you got your listening ears on yep

this one is spot on is it my guess yeah it's your guess yeah it's your

oh man i know what i think it is It's gotta be a Zorse.

Obviously, it's a Zorse.

Yes, thank you.

It could have been a Zonkey.

It could have been.

Unless that goes Zon.

Sorry, I don't want to ruin the.

It's not my impressions.

I apologize.

All right, well, I'm going to cross that off the list now.

All right, that's good.

There were two Z's anyway.

Let's see.

I don't know that this one specifically makes a lot of noise, but I'm going to try and capture the soundscape of this animal.

It's a northern alligator lizard.

Point for Mark.

Yep.

Ah, see, I got that one.

Because I got the

big.

He's a chomper.

Yeah.

If it had a Canadian accent, I feel like I would have gotten it faster, but close.

No, that's fair.

I don't know how you chomp with a Canadian accent, but that's fine.

That's the best Canadian impression I've ever heard in my life.

Where do you keep your zebras, eh?

Chomp?

I'm toast if I, uh, if, if it's the best impression wheel.

I got, you're, are you ready for this one?

Yeah.

It's the but it's the physical and the and the sound.

Okay, it's the whole thing.

Never mind, I'll find someone else like you.

Oh, thank god it's my turn.

Adele's penguin.

Yeah, it's Adele's Penguin, obviously.

Well, I mean, it's Adelaide's Penguin.

Adele's Penguin.

Yeah, for a one-man show, I feel like it suddenly became on us, Wade.

Yeah, I really flipped.

We did a terrible job at this.

You made you guys the guessers.

Yeah, I'm nailing these.

All right, Mark, I'll give you a softball.

Okay, all right.

Oh, Mark, I know this one.

It's the epic rap battles of history.

All right, okay, all right.

Is it the Jaj Terrier?

No, man, I like where your head's at.

Oh, come on.

How is that not?

Oh, I know what it is.

Oh.

Oh, this is clearly the Yorkie Pooh.

That's correct, sir.

Oh, no, my Coinbase withdrawal code.

Someone's hacking into my crypto.

Oh, bro, you're so cooked right now.

I'm cooked.

I'm cooked.

Don't click on those texts, especially when you don't have one.

Yeah, since I don't use any crypto platforms at all, I find it really easy to avoid those scams.

But all right.

oh, I know this one, I know this one,

but small

it was me first,

but real small, small.

I know this won't help you at all, but there's a movie about this animal, and the main character which is this animal is voiced by Lynn Manuel Miranda.

Cephalasopis, no,

damn it,

Cephisphilus, Sisyphusphalus, uh,

Molly,

dude.

if there was a biopic about Molly voiced by Lynn Man

Manuel Miranda, I'd watch it.

I'd even call it a biopic.

So was that wrong?

I was wrong.

Okay.

You into Thurium?

Oh,

okay.

He's totally right.

Are you going to make the noises before we're even guessing them right now?

It's just cheating out here.

That is?

Damn it.

Is it Gomphotherium?

No.

Sesuan taken.

It's not Sichuan Takeout, no.

You want a hint?

No.

Hot on the trail.

Why would you need a hint?

Yeah, exactly.

It's gotta be Opabinia.

No.

Ah, fuck.

Kinki Jiao?

Yes, it's pronounced Kinkajou.

Jesus Christ.

How is that small?

They're small.

They're small.

They're like little purse monkeys.

They're tiny.

I don't even know what it is.

How do you know these animals?

Because there's a child's movie about a Kinkajou that's voiced by Lynn Manuel Miranda.

And it has some really, actually pretty good music in it.

I doubt that very much.

Miranda from Mass Effect?

Von Starovsky?

What's that called?

It's not called Sony.

It's by Sony Pictures.

What's that called?

Naughty Dog.

EA.

Ooh, 20th Century Fox.

Paramount.

It's called Vivo.

His name is Vivo.

I'm so close.

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All right.

Well, I think, Wade, I think we should move on because we're getting.

I think we should move on to meeting.

We're going to get this.

This can never happen.

Editors make Mark and I look good during that part.

Yeah, exactly.

All right.

So, Wade, you introduce your next.

So, one of the episodes of all time of Distractible was Bob's Fridge.

So, we can't do a whole episode on it because this is one-man show.

We have other stuff to do.

So, I need you to do a super fast retelling of Bob's fridge, but without using any verbs.

Do I get a script or synopsis or anything?

No, no, no, you get it.

You get to have lived it and retell it from memory.

Yeah, but no verbs.

And what do you think, Mark?

We should put like one minute on the clock for him.

Oh, you can have more than one minute.

We can give him it's a long story.

You know, we'll just give him like if he runs on too long, like it shouldn't last longer than three minutes, but we'll give him some time.

No verbs is going to be hard, but I think I can do it.

Maybe you got it.

Oh, hey, we're here to.

Yeah, oh, hang on.

Uh-huh.

now.

Oh, never mind.

I'll gotta.

Yeah

Fridge

two guys front door me the

one guy

Oh no, no, thank you

Side yard

You guys fridge Yeah, yeah, perfect.

And then the bush.

Inside.

The bush.

The bush.

The fridge?

The bush.

Oh, what's that?

Oh, no.

Oh, good.

Oh, the water shut off.

No, no.

It's a noun.

You're right, you're right, you're right.

Okay, I got it.

Okay, you're good.

A new house?

I don't know.

It should be.

Water shut off.

Make this here.

Sorry, bush.

Did I.

That part?

Yeah.

Anyway, I don't think that's how you do fridge house,

right?

Thinks of herb, isn't it?

I think.

Not when I do it.

Anger.

Unacceptable.

Two guys.

Fridge.

That was beautiful.

Oh, man.

I don't remember what.

Not that much actually happened.

I was just so mad.

I kept talking about it.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's amazing what verbs will do to pad time out.

That was uh, that was good.

I think in the original, there was a lot of what's your house, you got to know where this is.

Just call a previous homeowner.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, we're friends, we get dinner on free Tuesday or something.

You know what, though?

Beautiful retelling.

I think everyone knows exactly what happened based on that retelling.

Do they?

All right, we've got another game for you here.

It's

one we've never done before.

Wade just made it up right here on the spot.

Do you have a D20?

Yeah, I got one in here.

Okay, I got one.

Can you roll that D20?

I did.

I want you, or we want you.

Wade came up with this mostly, but we want you to give us a sales pitch on various things that we're going to offer up to you.

And you only have as many words as you rolled to sell it to us.

That's deeply unfortunate.

What'd you roll?

Four.

All right.

Man, I really considered re-rolling that for a second.

No, no, it's perfect.

It's perfect.

All right, wade.

You kick it off.

Well, in four words, thanks to your roll, you need Mark and I to buy this broom.

Dirty floor?

Here, dumbass.

All right, that's great, man.

Yeah, roll again.

Oh, I get to re-roll?

Thank God.

No, you get another thing.

Oh, 13.

Oh, 13.

Okay, this will be great.

Sell us on flip-flops in exactly 13 words.

For clarification, is flip-flop one word?

It's hyphenated?

Well, count it as one word because it's the topic.

Yeah.

I'm not selling anything yet.

This is not an attempt to sell.

I think flip-flop counts as one word because it's the word that we're giving you.

Shoes too tight?

Flip-flop.

It's hyphenated, right?

One word.

Flip-flop.

Hyphenated.

Yeah, but you have 13 words.

Oh, I got the new number.

Oh, shoes too tight?

Flip-flop.

Good.

Because lots of space in flip-flop.

All right.

I forgot.

I was doing four words again.

Yeah.

That was great.

Yeah.

Lots of room in flip-flop.

What a bold start.

Where's it going from here?

It's the beauty of salesmanship.

You just make it personable.

You know, you're just like, all right, buddy.

Yeah, you got it, pal.

Wait, wait, you got the next one?

Oh, yeah, man.

I need another roll from you, Bob.

15.

That's too bad.

That's too bad.

Good for you.

In 15 words or less, you need to sell us an aquarium.

Not like a whole aquarium you go to, but like, you know, an aquarium you keep like your fish.

Where are you going to keep those stupid fucking fish?

Right inside this awesome aquarium.

I was 15, didn't I'm at 14.

What are you at, Mark?

Buddy.

Buddy?

Buddy?

Pal.

All right, buddy.

You got me.

All right.

All right.

Great.

Excellent.

Excellent, man.

You're doing so good.

I got another four.

Ooh.

Four words.

Sell me on condoms.

Who even wants babies?

All right.

Bye, bye, bye.

Oh, come on.

Seven.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, what'd you do?

All right, in seven words, unfortunately, we're stealing three of them.

Rasputin's preserved penis.

And if you don't know what this is, I can show you a picture.

World War I era penis for sale!

I don't know what that is.

Is it actually a penis?

Okay, so it's if you Google this, which I recommend everyone at home do, Rasputin's preserved penis.

I won't share it for the sake of the editors, but everyone can go just Google that.

It is unconfirmed if it is at all real.

Why wouldn't it be real?

Some have said it's an animal penis of some type

or some kind of amalgamation of something or another.

But there it is.

I like that there's several women looking at it like, oh, and there's one guy that's like,

by several women, do you mean the picture of the same woman?

No, there's two.

There's one in the top row for me, and then there's like the blonde lady who's like peering over the side.

That is the penis.

I do believe Rasputin like doing his thing before World War One, but it's it's of the era.

Wasn't he the

start of World War One?

No, that's Franz Ferdinand.

Oh, close enough.

Rasputin was the uh, the advisor to one of the people in Russia.

1916 murder, World War I era.

I mean, I'm giving it to you.

He was assassinated in 1916.

All right, roll again.

18.

18.

Well, that's almost too many.

All right.

Braces.

Those crooked ass teeth ain't gonna fix themselves.

Put some of this metal shit in there.

I got 18, I think.

Oh, God.

Crooked ass teeth ain't gonna fix themselves.

10.

Put some of this metal shit in there.

8.

Put some of this metal shit in there.

That's only 7.

Some of.

I didn't say summa as one word for me.

I said some of this metal.

Some of this shit.

Okay, yes.

Absolutely.

If you give me one more word, I know what I'd add.

Pal.

Can't be done.

We can give you another dice roll.

Two.

Oh.

How do you feel about number nine for this?

Go for it.

In two words, you have to sell us a used kidney.

Still works.

Mm.

I know.

I got a buddy that needs a kidney.

Yeah.

That's the most valuable kind.

The working kind.

Roll one more time.

13.

All right.

You sold me a condom.

I want you to sell me a used condom.

How many words?

13?

13.

Yes, this is a used condom.

Be not afraid.

It still works.

12?

Yes, this is a used condom.

Yes, this is a used condom.

Be not afraid.

Oh, that is 12.

Partner.

We've got a real nice one for you, Bob.

A really good one to finish it it off.

Am I rolling again?

No, no, no, no.

We won this game.

We won.

Thank you, kind host, for giving us that game.

And now,

what we need from you is the thing that everyone loves from Bob.

The name Bob is synonymous with a

rage-fueled pirate that goes on and on and on and on.

We're going back to Don't Get Me Started.

Oh, hooray.

Okay, and we only have one.

We only have one suggestion for this.

We do?

Well,

we'll see how the first one goes.

That's fair.

All right.

Wade, do you want to give them the suggestion?

Nope.

I guess I'll do it.

I want you to don't get me started on

Spotify.

And we have to keep you in line.

Don't even get me started on Spotify.

But he's into it.

Careful.

You're fine.

You're fine.

You're fine.

I have one low-level gripe and a long list of high-level gripes.

We'll start with the low-level one.

Green logo.

Green?

Really?

Green?

That's the green logo?

Are you sure?

I said it was a low-level gripe, but it's just ugly.

Like, this this is not, this is maybe personal taste.

I'm not getting too worked up about this, but they're really sticking to the green logo.

If you look at the list of apps on your phone or your computer or wherever, you see a lot of other green shit in there.

You see a lot of green popping up, aesthetically pleasing green.

No, you don't.

No, everyone's gone the other way.

Green is a terrible choice.

It's ugly.

I hate it.

Anyway, the working conditions.

Hang on, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, I don't want to go down that path.

I don't want to go down the path.

The working conditions are fine.

The working conditions are great.

They're great.

Everyone's really happy.

But the residuals for artists.

They're great.

They make.

They're fun.

I've only heard good things.

I've only heard good things.

I'm pretty sure that I can't think of any notable artists who've had any gripes with Spotify.

AI slop.

Allegedly, and probably false if we're honest with ourselves, there's just

channels and channels of artists that are not real people.

Allegedly, they are just AI-generated slop.

Allegedly, they sound almost indistinguishable from regular music, except that also they're completely uncanny.

Allegedly, they just randomly get worked into whatever playlist you're listening to.

If it's on shuffle or auto, whatever the hell.

Allegedly, that's some bullshit.

And also,

allegedly,

but Spotify, what else do they do?

Oh, shuffle.

What a joke.

Whoever programmed your shuffle feature, try again.

Wrong.

It's not a shuffle.

It's just a predetermined order that it always plays in.

If you start the same playlist from the top of the list and hit shuffle, it always plays the same fucking songs.

How do you even do that?

That doesn't even make sense.

Just use some input that's different every day.

Like the time or the date or what?

It's like they generated one random number and we're like, that's enough seeds.

Just use this one every time.

Or what?

How does that happen?

And why isn't it fixed?

This is tough, guys.

Have I talked recently about how much I love Spotify?

Have I told you guys that?

Should we not even get you started?

It doesn't have to be angry.

That's the thing.

It is just don't even get me started on.

Three lines in the logo?

Oh, if it wasn't green, I'd be there already.

Don't even get me started on Spotify.

They think they have competitors.

Nobody competes with Spotify.

What are those other music apps called?

You don't even know, because you never used them.

You just put Spotify on there, and that's the one you click on, you don't use Spotify.

All the best artists who matter are on Spotify, and any of them who aren't on Spotify are probably garbage.

Honestly, I know it's controversial, I just don't have a lot of feelings about Spotify, I'm not gonna lie.

I don't know how long you thought that was gonna go, but like, they're a company.

I think we all know how we feel about companies, they're the best, Mark.

What do we do next?

I'm writing his outro.

Hold on, great.

All right, but did you have another thing for me to rant about that was worse than Spotify?

Well, well, wait, you got it,

yeah, there's another thing on the list, James.

Knowing that he will definitely see this in a couple of years.

Don't even get me started on, James.

Oh, no.

I don't think anyone would keep loving me endlessly and without any reason whatsoever.

They could possibly determine if I continued to shit my pants on a daily basis.

I don't know why he thinks he's going to keep getting away with it.

Listen here, mister.

One of these days, that's going to be enough shit in the pants.

I can't tell you when, but I'm just going to snap.

And then there's going to be no more poop in the pants.

And another thing,

he always wants attention.

You know, he's coming up to me.

Like, dad, dad, look.

Dad, you're my hero.

Dad, I love you so much.

Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.

Take it easy, okay?

Calm down.

Lots of people love me.

I get it from all sides.

I don't need it when I get home from work.

All right?

Just take a breath.

You got two parents.

I don't see you.

Well, actually, you're probably all over your mom more than you're on me, but I don't see you all over the dog like you're all over me.

And she's easy.

You drop food for her all the time accidentally.

Just give her some Cheerios and she'll let you do like whatever.

She doesn't even care.

Man, I'm really trying to think of a third thing.

It's okay because we, I wrote here, do you remember on Utas Honest where I was going through Ethan's like maze and there was a bucket of fish and I was like, I'm not doing that.

And he was like, that's okay.

Boundaries are important.

We wrote that.

Yes,

in case you were like,

literally, did.

That's fine.

That's fine.

I'm almost done with this.

I have your after.

I think we could close it up.

This is beautiful.

Ah, that was great, Bob.

But I think it's time to wrap up this episode.

I just don't take it away.

Oh, my God.

That's a lot of scrolling up.

All right.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lou.

What a show through and through.

With vim and vigor and a big smile or two.

I am so pleased.

I am so teased.

Tweak your nipples and sing black-eyed peas.

Tonight's gonna be a good night.

Can you see that?

I was tweaking my nipples.

I saw.

Oh, I thought you were commanding us.

I didn't get this script.

Hee hee, whoo-hoo, chim-chimini-charu.

Oh, long pause.

I didn't

Oh,

ye!

These two best friends of mine, and not vice versa, really showed such an incredible performance.

Riff about Mark's performance while performing a 10 out of 10 perfect driving crooner.

What's that?

You don't know what a driving crooner is?

Oh, this guy.

No, what is that?

It's a bit from that show of the guy that I think he should leave.

Okay, well, you can Google it.

I don't know what the fuck a driving crooner is either.

Is that the stickers on the window?

Yeah.

Okay, so it's like the fedora and the cigar stickers on the window, and then you like.

Don't worry, the editors will put it there for you.

Okay, editors, driving cruder me.

Is there a voice that goes with this or something?

No, just.

Oh, I don't know what this is.

Oh, oh, Mark.

Mark, you did so great today.

I must have earned five times as many points as Wade because of all the correct guessing and all of the good dice rolling you made me do and all of the watching.

Couldn't have been better.

That might have been the best episode Mark's ever had.

Thank you, thank you.

Low bar.

No, high bar.

The top 10 performances on Distractible are now all Mark.

Push Bob's fridge right off the 10 spot into the bottom of the barrel.

Wayne only wishes he's ever had a top 10 spot, but.

I thought this was a co-hosting thing.

Why is this so one-sided of an outro?

This might as well be called Distractible and Friends, starring, featuring, presented by a markiplier or some such.

But how could that compare to the other competitor?

Oh, I didn't read any further beyond the one that.

Okay.

Riff about Wade's performance while snapping your fingers like a cool jazz guy.

You just fucking that one moment from filming in space, you just remember that one fucking thing, huh?

Yep, yep, yep.

Yeah.

Yeah, Wade.

Bald.

Funny.

Correct.

Oh, yeah.

Wade, you're so groovy.

You're so jazzy.

If peeing your pants is cool, I'd call you Wade Barnes.

You don't pee your pants, you just win distractable.

Anyway, how could I decide?

God, how could you burden me with this responsibility?

I am a mere mortal, incapable of these monumental decisions.

You raise me up

so I can stand on mountains.

You raise up.

I now

hold something.

You raise me up.

Anyway,

here's the winners from the points.

I'm an Emmy-losing writer.

No wonder Mark's been unable to sleep this week.

He was working on this.

He's working on this so long.

Youtine, adjective.

Used to describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained.

One who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly.

They do not always show up on time, but when they arrive, you notice an individual confident in their contradictions.

They know the rules, but behave as if they do not exist.

New teen, the new fragrance by Mew Mew, defined by you.

Mark, you earned points for fuck,

piss,

fuck, fuck me,

shit, goddammit, and uh, bamboo worms.

Wade, you earned points for

it's just a bunch of fucks, mostly.

The final score being Bob with negative 10.

I just sort of threw that in.

I assumed that'd be where that was coming from, based on the script.

Mark with seven, and Wade

with 10.

Oh,

shit!

I knew it.

I knew it.

Oh my god.

There's no way this could be a tie again and it landed on another one-man show.

Fucking better not.

That would, you know what, though, based off the coin flip and all the bad luck I've ever had and everything, that would be what if we just make the final score 11-10-9 and really tempt the fates.

I'm the host, but you are the scriptures.

The creators?

How many bonus pins will there be?

Oh,

I still, I could, I could have a chance here.

I could have a chance.

It's two, two for all the listeners.

Uh, what am I adding to the bonus wheel, oh overlords?

Ooh,

add add a percent to the tie wheel.

How much percent?

3.

20.

Add 20.

I mean, I guess it is.

Add 10.

Let's say add 10%

to, and that's 10% of the whole pie.

Add 10% to the one-man show.

Yeah, 10% chance.

No way that'll come up.

I know what I'm adding when I get a chance.

Subtract 30% from one-man show.

One-man show no longer exists.

All right, two spins.

I don't want to host that shit.

Oh, my points don't count.

Oh, we didn't have any lies, I don't think, this time.

So respin, I suppose.

Fastest response?

I mean, I had some pretty quick ones on the animal noises.

When do you guys guessed the animal first try once or twice?

That was me.

I did that.

I did that.

Yeah, I think I think I get this.

I think I get this.

I think I get it.

I got Zorce, but I think Mark said was like, the moment you stopped, he just spouted one out, I think.

So, yeah.

All right, point to Mark.

Excellent, excellent.

One more spin.

What could possibly go wrong?

On sudden death, it's a tie.

Oh, give that to you, Bob.

Give it to you, Sony.

All right.

All right.

Well done.

One for me.

Yeah.

Wow, that's not how you spell either of those words.

Anyway, that makes the final score.

Mark with eight and Wade with ten.

Which means Wade gets to host the next one.

Oh, man.

Hold on, Bob.

Hold on.

That was great.

I mean, I had a great time.

I had a great time.

I had a really good time.

I need a nap.

I wanted to give people a taste of, like, when Tyler and Ethan scripted me my one-man show.

I just wanted to get that in there.

I don't know how you turn the animal noises around on us, but

that really did flip.

As soon as we had to guess, I was like, oh no.

I picked names that I thought he wouldn't be able to pronounce.

I didn't want to have to do it.

I actually knew a lot of those animals.

I was pretty surprised.

Speed retelling of Bob's fridge with no verbs was...

Mark, loser speech?

You know, I may have lost, but I don't feel like a loser.

I think everybody won today, even though I actually lost.

And yeah, I mean, I can see that.

I was literally typing the outro as we were in the episode, so I can see that.

I can see that.

I can see it.

Wade, winner speech.

Don't know how we got here.

Don't know how I ended up on top.

But I'm glad to be here.

Bald, winning.

Life's good.

Remember to take out the trash.

All the important things in life are just going my way.

Just both of those, all of the important things.

That's it.

Winning, bald, and trash.

I think that's in like the Declaration of Independence, even.

I remember the Nicolas Cage movie.

I actually need a nap, but that's the end of the episode.

Wait, you just gotta host the next one?

Because he won somehow.

I didn't write any of your animals down.

I was so impressed when you got the bamboo worms, Mark.

I was really proud of you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That was a good idea.

That might have been worth four points.

Might have been.

Too late to find out.

Viewers, listeners, listeners, make sure you follow the podcast so that you know when episodes come out.

It'll give you notifications, or you can follow Mark, Wade, and myself on our other social platforms and stuff.

Anyway, that's the end of the episode.

Wade, host the next one already.

Okay.

Until then, podcast out.

Hey, everyone, welcome to another episode of oh, not yet.