In This Game... Only Letters, Friends!

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Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractible.

This episode, Multi-Platform Mark heroizes Homelander, then kicks off the alphabetic escapades.

Battling Bob enjoys moisture and barbaric bellowing, then pulls Pietro, Peter, and ZZ top.

Webless Wade slumbers after a prick, becomes a pancake, then invokes pussy, queefing, and a quickie with queen.

From deep loving to chewing come,

it's time for

in this game, only letters, friends.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

Hello and welcome to Distractible.

My name is Markiplier.

Yes, that Markiplier from YouTube and TikTok and

the other places where I exist.

Twitch, maybe still, if they haven't deleted deleted my account.

Oh, yeah.

I've been inactive for a long time.

But I am not the star of the show today.

These two gentlemen are.

That's Bob.

Star number one.

Number one star.

All right.

Top star.

And Wade, the second star.

Two.

Okay.

I feel like we're starting off on an even foot.

Two star.

You get two stars, man.

That's two, one more than two.

One.

If this is Michelin stars, that's a lot of stars.

Two stars is one more than two.

Oh, you are the Marketplar I was thinking of.

It is me.

All right, so this is distractible.

If this is your first time, welcome.

I love you.

Wow.

Leading off with that.

I want to come in strong.

I don't want soft calls to action.

I love you.

Wait, we have to be clear.

Is that directed at the listeners or the watchers?

There's

different people here.

I don't care whether they have eyes or ears.

I love you just the way you are, and I'm enunciating.

So if you're reading my lips, you know I mean it.

That made me uncomfortable trying to read your lips.

There's a lot of teeth.

I like that.

I wish you'd talk like that all the time.

I've chased off all the new viewers now, so it's just the author of the place.

Oh, thank God.

Wouldn't want to move up those podcast charts that we worked so hard to move up.

I'm trying to get our bounce rate up, you know, people clicking and boing.

I don't want this shit.

Yeah, I want to push us down in the ratings.

In this episode, I have a fun game prepared, but no, it's not the perfectest crime.

It is not.

It's something else.

But we're going to get to that in just a little bit because these guys have been living their best lives and I want to hear about it.

Let's decide who goes first.

One, Bob.

Oh, man.

I can't believe that.

I was so sure it was going to be the second guy in the list.

Oh, no, you would think that.

Yeah, everything's going pretty good.

It's raining here, which I don't know.

It hasn't been that long, but like, if you ever have, I mean, where you live, Mark, out in LA, I guess you probably get this.

In Ohio, I feel like it rains pretty consistently.

Like, normally it's like, oh, it's raining, whatever.

It started raining last night, and it was raining when I woke up this morning.

And it's been so long since it rained that I literally woke up and was like, ah, it's wet.

What happened?

Why is it all wet outside?

Oh, no.

Does that happen to you or am I just like a goldfish?

Because it really, it weirded me out for a minute.

No, I did that too.

I woke up and it rained over here or drizzled and i just go out and the whole yard's went i'm like did the sprinklers break what what's what's going on there's a leak everywhere there's a leak everywhere this is ecologically irresponsible there's a leak okay well i'm glad it's not just me also james has learned that he could scream real loud so that's fun i've never been made dizzy by a scream before but that can happen now last night we were getting ready for bed and he was like it was he gets two books and then we go to bed and it's like we have a whole routine.

And we got to the, I think to the end of the second book and like closed the book and Mandy was like, okay, put the book on the shelf and we're going to do this.

And he just was like, no,

no,

more stories.

And we're like, no, man, it's bedtime.

This is, we do this every night.

This is the routine.

And he did that sort of like.

shake of rage and then proceeded to scream louder than anything has ever been in human existence.

And I actually like, it made my head vibrate.

And when he stopped screaming, I was kind of like, ah, ah,

so I never had that before, but I'm sure that he'll only do that the one time.

And that's not going to be all day, every day for the next three weeks of my life.

How do you stop that, Wade?

Bad advice.

What you do is you give him a megaphone so he can be even louder to the point where he makes himself paralyzed from the noise.

You're right.

You're right.

There we go.

Yep.

You give him headphones and a microphone and make him scream into his own ears.

You know how Homelander went up to that one superhero and went swing on the sides of the head and then made him deaf now that he'd scream louder.

And this is horrible advice.

Put him in a bit of a stupor stuperhero.

I see what you did there.

Yeah, I should definitely do whatever Homelander does.

He's a good guy, right?

He's a father.

I haven't watched the show.

I haven't watched the show.

He's like the Superman character in that universe, right?

He's a good guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He is America.

Yeah.

He is America.

Yeah.

And he's a father.

He's raising a child.

I think his first act as a father was to throw his son off of like a roof or something, wasn't it?

Spoilers?

Yeah.

Kid's dead now.

Spoilers.

No, I think literally the first thing he did was like, yeah, son, you can fly too.

And he threw him off the roof and his son just went, ah,

he's like, man,

man, that reminds me of the video that I saw of these birds on the mountainside.

I think we talked about them, but it's just every once in a while it pops in my head and how the fucking BBC cameramen are doing this and the BBC editors make it go, I swear, boink, boink, boink as it's hitting every rock down the mountain as it tries to fly.

Boink, boink, boink, squeak, squink, squeak.

And then it's like, it lands and it gets up.

It's like, it's fine.

And then the camera pans over to its dead brother on the ground.

God damn.

Jesus.

No, it's not a fun, it's not a fun video.

I don't know why I'm laughing.

But that is funny, though.

You're right.

I agree with you, Mark.

That's fair.

No, those guys, I know

it's a whole thing and it goes both ways, right?

The wildlife cinematographers, which are like, don't interact.

You can't affect nature.

But they just sit there and like, literally, there are situations where they could like, oh, if I just reached out, I could totally save this tiny baby animal from drowning in front of me.

But I won't, though.

I won't.

I'm just going to film it so everyone can see back home.

Do you think that they like that?

Or does that like fuck them up?

Because I feel like that must be wild.

That must be really weird and wild to be that close to that.

They must get sometimes really incredible, beautiful, heartwarming footage that hopefully balances out all the nature is a cruel beast and you will die by being eaten, guaranteed.

What happens is I see like two teens camping in the woods and a bear comes in and it's like dragging them away and they look like, for the love of God, help me.

And the camera guy's like, oh, this is really good footage.

Nature, guys, nature.

Sorry.

Nature's so beautiful.

These are natural campers.

Please help me.

I see you.

I know you can hear me.

I see you.

There's two camera guys filming the same thing, and one starts getting attacked by the bear, and the other guy's like, oh, nature, it's happening.

I can't help him, though.

I have this gun right here, but I can only save myself.

You're with the nature now.

You they themselves get attacked and they just aim the camera at themselves.

Nature, can't help myself.

Nature is a fucking Blair Witchley.

Nature.

I'm just not there to deliver.

Nature, nature, nature.

In the booth, Sir David Attenborough is just like, oh, here we see young Gary getting mauled to death by a lion.

Why don't you fight back, Gary?

The aliens guy?

Nature.

Ah, that meme never gets old.

It applies to everything.

I sent you that meme recently, I think, right?

Yeah, yeah, you did.

I forget for what.

It was about the Bengals.

I think I put sadness on it.

We were texting about the Bengals, and I was just like,

sadness.

I don't even think we texted during the last game.

I think we both were just at the point of like acceptance.

No, you know what?

I couldn't watch the Bengals this week because they were on at the same time as my new team, the Lions, by which I mean they played the Lions and got their ass beat.

But I'm a Lions fan again now, so that was a great game for me.

All right.

So that's Bob Smalltalk.

Well done.

Good small.

That's my life.

Wade.

Well, I was going to talk about the rain some more, but Bob beat me to it because it turns out we live kind of close.

But yeah.

Yeah, the rain points have all been scooped up.

And we're both boring old guys who talk about the weather all the time.

Uh-oh.

What was it?

Friday, I got my COVID and flu shot, COVID booster and flu shot.

So as Friday went along, I was like, oh man, getting real tired for some reason.

I don't know.

I passed out for me very early.

I went upstairs, hung out with Molly.

We were watching something on TV at like 11 o'clock.

And I was just like kicking back, like, oh man, I'm feeling pretty tired.

It's me.

Nice to kick back and watch something with.

Just passed passed out immediately.

And then went to bed, slept probably like 10 hours, woke up, felt really awful for two hours.

I'm always like, you should go back to bed.

And for some reason, when someone suggests I sleep, I'm always like, no, I don't need sleep.

Sleep.

What do you mean?

I'm fine.

I'm awake.

Wide awake.

Do you ever have that where you talk to somebody who also, they fall asleep and you're like, hey, are you sleeping?

And they're like, no, no, I wasn't.

It's like, you think, clearly you were snoring.

Obviously you were, but they have to deny it.

No, no, I think I've had this before where Amy has said that at night I have have started snoring, where in my head, I'm just like, oh man, I'm not falling asleep here.

No snores at all.

And she'll tell me that I was just snoring.

And I'm like, no, I'm, that's impossible.

There's no way.

I was conscious this whole time.

I was aware of my experiences.

There's no way.

But apparently I was.

We had a friend visit recently who fell asleep and same thing.

They were like, hey, you passed out for a few minutes.

I'm like, no, I didn't.

Because consciousness is a really fragile, thin veil between us and the darkness.

So I think that it's very easy to miss these experiences.

I did fall asleep.

And then I was like, no, I don't want to go back to bed.

All right, fine.

I guess I'll go lay down.

I'm not going to sleep.

Passed out immediately again.

Slept for like three or four hours.

But that was fun.

And then yesterday I was feeling a lot better.

So I went and threw football for a few hours.

And man, upper body sore today.

You just threw a football around for a few hours?

Yeah.

How with one other person?

Or what?

That's That's like I like my nephew.

That sounds fun, but that's a lot of hours of just like standing out there.

Like,

yeah.

We weren't throwing super long distance because we were staying within, like, let's talk while we throw.

So we were just kind of like chit-chatting about all kinds of stuff, Legos and things.

He's a big Star Wars fan, so we're about like Star Wars Legos, and we were just throwing ball while we chatted.

Will you come over and have a catch with me sometime?

Dude, I love talking.

Yeah, I'll throw football.

I love throwing football.

That sounds nice.

And foot still kind of healing a little bit.

So I was like, probably easier just to toss than it would be to run around.

We were going to play basketball, but the thought of running around and jumping while this is still on my heel was like, eh, maybe, maybe just like casual toss would be easier.

Yeah, we just chit-chatted through football for a few hours, and then I woke up, and I was like,

oh,

is that how you always wake up?

Notually it's,

but it's a little better than usual.

I'll save my small talk for when I'm inevitably the loser and go to the next round to participate.

Okay.

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That's R-O-C-K-E-T-M-O-N-E-Y.com/slash D-I-S-T-R-A-C-T-I-B-L-E.

I have a game for you.

Good.

Guys, I have devised it.

And by me, I mean Amy.

Amy's devised this.

Even better.

In this game,

only letters, friends.

You are going to use the alphabet to help you survive death-defying scenarios that are going to risk your very existence.

Now, the way that it's going to work, we're going to take turns.

Both of you are going to go first.

And the person who goes first gets to pick the letter.

You don't know the scenario that you're in, but you get to pick the letter of the items you will choose to survive.

It's a quick fire round.

You use that letter to pick an item out of the air and then immediately goes to the next person as fast as you can back and forth.

Bing, bong, bing, bong, bong.

Same letter.

And then I will write them down and judge which one of you actually helped yourself survive.

It is is possible that you both survive and pass the test and get a point that round.

But otherwise, if you picked bad items because you're limited by the letter, you die, you don't get a point.

Make sense?

Yeah, I like this.

I don't think Wade knows very many words.

I think I have a huge advantage here.

I'll toss a coin to go first, or maybe I'll just be like the number one up there above me right now.

Bob, you'll go first.

And how it'll go is you'll pick a letter, and it can only be picked once.

So I'm crossing letters off the alphabet as we go.

Then I'll give you the scenario.

And as soon as I give you the scenario, it's go time.

You have to pick as fast as you can.

I will dock points if you take too long or I'll cut you off if you can't.

Do we need to pick multiple items with the same letter?

Or how many items do we get?

One letter per round, five items.

Yeah, okay.

So I will skip your turn though if you take too long and it'll go to the other person.

So you could possibly lose out a chance to pick an item or the other person can snipe the item that you were going to pick, but it has to start with that letter.

It can be multiple words, but the first word has to start with that letter.

I won't let you say sentences of items.

It has to be either one or two words.

You can't say the biggest bag of survival items that will help me in the scenario.

I won't allow that.

Can't do that.

Okay.

Okay.

All right.

You both understand how it goes.

Do you need me to re-explain it, Wade?

No, I'll just watch Bob do it.

And if he does it right, I'll do what he does, but wrong.

We kind of have to do it at the same time.

So I hope I'm still feeling good about my chances.

Okay.

Yeah, that's good.

This is looking good for you, Bob.

Okay, hold on.

Then if we run at the same time, do we each pick our own letter then?

No.

No, no, no.

It's the same letter.

Okay.

The person who's going picks the letter.

I read them the prompt.

I read both of you the prompt.

And then the person who goes first gets the first pick.

Has to be an item that starts with that letter.

Then the other person, same letter.

Okay, so we tend to leave 10 items that start with that letter because he'll have five.

I'll have five.

Exactly.

And then you can't say the same item.

You have to

new items.

Five times.

Take too long.

I'm going to skip you.

Are you boys ready?

Yes.

Yes.

All right, Bob.

What is your letter?

L.

L.

Great choice, I think.

All right.

You're right?

Yeah, man.

Fine.

What'd you have done if I said M?

How do I write that as a point?

H-U-H-U-U-U-H-U-U-H-U-A-H.

Oh, that would have been better.

I was doing double O's.

I think in ooh hoo-hoo.

I think in Lethal Company, there was a mod I used where there was like an L dance.

Whenever you said L, I immediately thought of the L dance.

You thought of the L dance from Lethal Company and not Fortnite?

I'm proud of you, man.

That's good.

I don't play Fortnite, so yes.

Good boy.

So it's L, and we're going to start with a simple one.

These are all life or death scenarios.

So if it doesn't feel as life or death as possible, I'm going to, you say the word, I'll make it more life or death.

You both

are falling out of an airplane.

No parachute.

Go.

Long rope.

Long rope.

Okay, go.

Lift.

Lift.

Like a lift, like a ski lift.

You know,

oh, like a whole ski lift to catch me.

Bob.

Light aircraft.

Okay.

All right.

That's enough.

Stop.

It's not.

You can't say more.

Okay.

Wait.

Lamborghini.

Lambo.

He's got it.

Hopefully, it's got good airbags.

Lingonberry Jam.

Lingonberry Jam.

Excellent choice.

Lipstick, so I look my best, but I die.

Bob.

Oh, man.

Laser pointer.

Laser pointer.

Got it.

Wade?

Lake to land in.

I'll even give you it's a landing lake, but need I remind you, water at a terminal velocity is still just as hard.

All right, Bob, last chance.

Oh,

a launcher.

A launcher?

A me launcher.

If I if I...

I can't explain it.

You'll have to just understand.

It's a launcher.

It can be a launcher of me, but not a me launcher.

You watch yourself.

Wade.

Lisa.

Lisa.

Lola.

You decided to take another person with you?

Lisa from The Simpsons.

She'll have some good ideas.

Maybe Lisa has a parachute we could share.

You better ask.

All right.

So

let me recap your choices.

Bob, you have a long rope, light aircraft, lingonberry jam, a laser pointer, and a launcher.

Wade, you have a lift, a ski lift,

a Lambo, a lipstick, a lake, lake, and La La Lalisa.

Now.

L was harder than I thought it would be.

I have to be honest.

I know.

We did a couple of test rounds.

It's very difficult.

All right.

So the ski lift,

I think it needs to be embedded in the ground to actually help you, Wade.

And a ski lift, I would think, would start with an S, but Lambo, not known for being very crash-resistant, I don't think.

Cool, though.

Very cool.

Very cool.

Wade.

You're going to look great when you die.

Lambo lipstick.

Lil Lisa in the passenger seat.

Aim for the lake, babe.

Oh, look, there's a lift.

We can go up and fall again.

Yeah, is the goal of this to live?

Yeah, the goal is to live.

Presumably.

Okay, yeah.

Okay, so because, Bob, you have a long rope, a light aircraft, lingenberry jam, laser pointer, and a launcher.

I mean, the light aircraft kind of wins you this one.

Yeah, the rest of it was just for fun.

Lingenberry jam is a snack.

Laser pointer to make other pilots blind and make them crash their planes while I'm flying my light aircraft.

You know, fun stuff.

He's pointing at Wade as he's going down the sea to make sure he doesn't get it.

Make fun of Wade.

I point at Wade.

I point at where I think he's going to land.

Like, eee, ee.

Lisa tanks of wade.

I can't see.

I think I'll accept items that sabotage your opponent to make sure they die.

Because if you both survive, you both get a point.

But if the other one dies, he's going to hit the lake.

Uses the launcher.

I'm calling it for Bob.

That's a Bob point right there.

So you got the

surviving.

However, I'm going to make an additional rule here that's going to make it even more difficult for you guys.

I'll explain it just a second.

So, that was a I had a long rope.

Maybe I can save you, Wade.

Not Lisa, just you.

So, that's what I'll say: is the rule.

Adjectives, if the, it can't be, the letter can't be an adjective describing the actual item.

So, long rope.

I would accept light aircraft because that is a whole category of aircraft.

But long rope is just a longer rope.

So, we'll make judgment calls.

I'll give you a second chance if that's what you come up with, but we'll try to catch that.

So, long rope is just a rope, just like a ski, a lift.

A ski lift would be a ski lift, not a lift.

Lift, I would think, it would be an elevator, which might have helped.

No, that wouldn't have helped you at all.

No, actually, levator.

So, Bob gets the first point there.

Wade, you smack into the lake in a Lambo with Lisa and lipstick.

But you look great.

Oh, man.

You're well, your corpse is actually a mangled, metal-infused mess and soggy.

But if anyone had taken a picture of you moments before,

you would have looked.

It's so good.

In fact, just super cool.

Lisa's just.

But I hand her the lipstick after I use it.

So she has a distraction.

All right, Wade, you get to pick your letter, and then I get to tell you your survival or death scenario.

Perfect.

Let's go with the letter B.

Boys, you too.

Some dictator has said that you're going to die.

You're on, you're against a wall.

There is a firing squad in front of you, and they are going to fire.

They're going to count down three, two, one, fire.

But you get B words to decide if you survive.

Wade, go.

Blocks.

All right.

I build a wall of blocks.

All right.

You could have said bricks, maybe, but blocks.

All right.

Bob.

Well, I thought this, I assumed this one wouldn't be on there, but bulletproof vest.

I'll take it, bulletproof.

Because I think that description is a very specific type of vest.

I think that works.

All right.

Wade.

A bomb.

You don't want to hit me, do you?

Yeah, I'm going to bomb.

I'm going to make sure it's a big round one with a big wick at the top.

All right, Bob.

Bouncy ball.

Bouncy ball.

You got it.

Wade.

Bobcat.

Bobcat, the vehicle or a cat?

Cat.

To send after them.

That might be author.

All right, Bob.

Ah, no, that's a good idea, Wade.

Bobcat.

The skid steer, though.

The skid steer?

All right, Wade, back to you.

Blank slate.

Blank slate.

All right, cool, man.

Bob?

Blades.

Blades.

Just the vampire or

weapons.

Weapons.

Wade.

Buildings.

What the fuck?

How many?

Billions.

Billions of buildings.

This is her B, right?

It counts.

Yeah, alright.

Yeah, this

genie that takes you very literally.

You get billions of buildings.

All right, Bob.

Last chance.

Oh, Bill Clinton.

Secret Service has to protect him.

He has a Secret Service.

He has a Secret Service detail for the rest of his life because he was president.

Bill Clinton.

They wouldn't be cool with that.

They'd help.

All right.

Okay.

Wait.

We don't have to recap, man.

Suddenly,

blocks appear in a wall in front of you.

Of what type?

Lego bricks, I'm guessing.

You have a bomb strapped to your chest.

You have a cat, a bobcat, which is not that big of a cat, to be honest.

Still scary if it runs at you it would be they have guns though so i think they'll be all right you have a blank slate um so you just have a like a tab a stone tablet with nothing on it and then billions of buildings are falling on your head now what kind of monkeys paul wish they're falling on my head Well, I mean, you either spawn inside of them and you clip into the walls like that.

Yeah, is this like inception or some shit?

Just

yeah, the whole horizon just folding in with buildings.

I think I did okay.

Well, the bomb, well, you would have been maybe fine, but the bomb, really.

The bomb, man, you got a bomb.

Well, but does he get to choose?

Is it on like a timer or is it like a no, it's a big one with a fuse that's lit.

That's what, all right.

Anyway, so wait, uh, Bob, bulletproof vest, very good.

Not quite head protection, but it protects your core, which is where most of them aim for, I guess.

Yeah, they're going to aim center mass.

That's the strategy for the bouncy ball will distract their aim.

The Bobcat, a skid steer, has like a full cage on it, so you're kind of inside that and a little more protected.

Blades for chopping the bullets out of the air, I'm guessing.

Yeah, yeah.

Deadpool style from that X-Men movie when he's all has no mouth and he's all creepy and he's all

Okay, all right, not from the Deadpool movie where he doesn't hit any of them.

He just gets shot a bunch.

Yeah.

All right.

So I'm guessing

I can't guarantee you that skill, but you'll try.

I'll try.

Yeah.

yeah.

And then Bill Clinton's there, plus Secret Service, probably.

Yeah, he's standing in between me and the firing squad, and the Secret Service start like rushing in from the side.

So they're like, get down, Mr.

President.

And I'm like, I'm with him.

Now, I would say that the buildings would be a problem for you, but you have a Bobcat, which is a skid steer, and it does have a full cage.

So if a building topples on it, you're not guaranteed to survive.

But with the bulletproof vest, the blades, and Bill Clinton,

I think you live, man.

I'm pretty sure.

Can't shoot through Legos.

Because they're still going to shoot at the end of it.

They still shoot.

Even if I have a bomb?

Probably.

Have they never seen a movie?

Can't shoot the guy who has a bomb.

Yeah,

it's too bad you can't explain because it should be a bomb with a dead man trigger where you're holding your hand out and you're all, if my finger comes off this button.

Because then they'll get it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it doesn't have to be.

No, that's not commonly how that works.

That's a specific thing.

You have to fit the letter.

Okay.

All right.

Back to you, Bob.

You're both doing wonderfully, but one is doing more wonderfully than the other.

I was going to go one way or the other, depending on how this was going.

And I feel like I'm going to regret this, but I choose Q.

Q?

Q.

Damn.

Bold.

Q.

All right.

What a quandary.

Quite the choice.

Quack.

Third Q word.

All right.

Let's get into this.

Both of your scenario.

You're and you're in separate vehicles for this one.

So you're not in the same car unless you want to be in the same car.

But I've given Wade's choices, I'm going to put you conveniently in separate cars.

I appreciate that.

So, Bob, you're and Wade, your car has driven off a bridge.

There was ice on the road.

You slid.

Bam, right dead center into a frigid frozen river.

So, not only is your car gone down through the top layer of ice, it is now under the ice.

You have your windows are up.

Death-defying scenario.

Almost guaranteed death under frozen river.

Your letter is Q.

Take it away.

Well, this is the whole thing I was banking on for this, and I'm going to stick to my guns, even though I'm not sure how it helps.

I want a Quetzal Cottless, Quetzel,

Quetzel Cuntless.

You have to be able to pronounce it.

You You have to be able to.

Quetzel Cauntless.

Quetzelquatless.

Okay, Quetzel.

I have to look up what that is afterwards.

Cool.

We talked about it in my words, in my one-man show.

It's one of the animals.

It's a dinosaur.

It's a big flying dinosaur.

Quetzal Cauntless.

All right.

I did not spell that right.

All right, Wade.

Quickness.

Quickness.

All right, you get quickness.

You know, I'll give it to you.

That works.

I want Quicksilver to save me.

The Marvel character.

Oh, the Marvel character.

Wait.

Oh, I got to go again.

The queen.

The queen.

The queen.

Like Queen.

You get the band, Queen.

I'll take it.

Just got to get out.

Just got to get right out.

I know, Freddie.

I'm trying.

Oh, man.

man.

Really?

All right, Bob, back to you.

Quest love.

What?

Quest love?

Quest Love.

Isn't he the drummer from

that.

Oh, no, yeah, Quest Love.

He's a drummer, American musician.

Oh.

All right.

You got a drummer.

He's the drummer for the roots.

That's where I know him from.

Because the roots were on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, cool.

Quest love, drummer.

I got it.

Wade.

Oh, no.

Queefs, so I have air to do.

Queefs, so I have air.

Queefs, so I have air.

My brain is just like, don't say queefs, don't say queefs.

For air.

Alrighty, come on.

All right, Bob, back to you.

I would like a quality inn motel.

Quality.

Maybe at the bottom of the river, there's a quality inn.

I'm not sure.

Somewhere.

Some haunted quality inn that sank into the river many moons ago.

Okay, gotcha.

Wade.

Oh,

quillfish.

I'm going to assume that's real fish.

It's a Pokemon.

It's a Pokemon.

You're right.

You're right.

Oh, the Pokemon.

Quillfish.

My loyal Pokemon will help me get out.

I'm assuming it's a water-based Pokemon.

That actually did help you.

Okay, that might be good.

The original version.

Then there's a Lolin or something that's like poison stupid.

All right, Bob, last choice.

I'm not stealing from Wade, but maybe this was sparked by that.

I want Quill, the Star-Lord himself.

Quill.

Oh, Peter Quill?

Yeah, but they just call him Quill a lot.

Or anyway, Gamora does, right?

They call it, like, where's Quill?

Where's Quill?

Okay, is that true, Wade?

Do they call him just quill they do all right okay we'll be i'll give you that quill star lord quill okay wade last chance quill like the feather so i can write my last will in test

hey don't take my ideas don't take my ideas

All right, okay, so a lot of this depends on what's a Quetzal Quantus?

The big flying dinosaur.

Okay, how big are we talking?

Oh, that's big.

It's fairly large.

I think it's like the biggest one.

Okay, so your car explodes because there's suddenly a Quetzalquantlus is spawning inside.

So all the doors come off, which is, you know, you do got to get...

the doors off.

You have Quicksilver, which I think, honestly, that's a huge get.

Because if he knows where you are, he can get you and get you out before the hypothermia sets in.

You have Quest Love.

I'm assuming Quicksilver has to choose between one of you, Bob.

He might like Quest Love more than me.

I mean, look, I'm not going to speak for Quicksilver, but that's okay because I brought backups.

He's very fast, so I guess he might be.

There's a quality in.

Somewhere down there in the river.

Isn't Quicksilver the one who...

Isn't that scene in the mansion where he saves like 40 people in the X-Men mansion while the whole thing explodes, isn't that?

I'm pretty sure, yes.

Oh, I was thinking of Silver Surfer this whole time.

You're talking about the fast dude.

No, Quicksilver is the X-Men, and he helps

Magneto break out of jail and is he's the one that does like slow, like, yeah, time-move slow.

There's actually two Quicksilvers in the Marvel Universe because there's the MCU one and then there's the Fox X-Men one.

The Fox X-Men one is faster, and that is the one you picked out, the X-Men one.

He is faster and has more feats of rescuing people, specifically rescuing people.

So I think, without a question, you survive, Bob.

The question is whether.

Because, wait, you have quickness.

You have quickness.

Oh, dude, I'm not going to like, my heart's not going to stop.

Don't stop me now.

I'm not jailing.

Don't stop me.

Don't stop me.

You have queen, quickness, queefs, as many queefs as you need.

For air.

Pure air unlimited queefs

uh you have quillfish and a quill a feather let me look up what quillfish is

but a balloon a balloon pokemon what oh like a blowfish that's kind of what you want it's also poisonous so grabbing onto it is gonna be it's very spiky yeah maybe we just do mouth to mouth i don't think you want to do mouth to mouth with it i'm not sure why you would offer that up as your first choice Air.

You already have air.

You have all the air you need.

Don't forget about your queefs.

It's literally 0.5 meters in height.

It's one foot ball when inflated and covered in spikes.

I would probably...

If you like grabbed onto the tail.

Okay, there is a tail.

I got to look up whether 8.6 pounds of buoyancy is enough to lift you out of the river.

I've also got quickness.

And you're quick.

And think of Freddie Mercury's lungs singing underwater, pushing me out.

And all the quefs, you know, all the queefs.

Yeah, there's a lot of buoyancy.

As you float away with your queefs and quillfish, Freddy Mercury sitting on the bottom of the river, just like, I want to ride my bicycle.

We are the champions.

I'm going to give you a 50-50 shot.

How about that?

The best I can do for you on this.

Because it's like you have some things working for you, but this is a death-defying scenario.

You have one Pokemon, but even in the Pokemon world, I can imagine an episode where Ash is in a frozen river like, help!

And Quillfish isn't able to say.

Heads, you survive, tails, you don't.

Oh!

Oh!

Heads!

You ate it!

That's right, bitches!

All right, you get that.

Her Majesty, Queen!

You, yes.

Yes.

I'm not sure why I'm saying it like that.

Yes, you win.

You survived, Wade.

Congratulations.

Bob, you also survived.

So you both get a point going out of that round.

All right.

Never a doubt.

This is so much.

I'm having so much fun, guys.

This is great.

It is back to you, Wade.

You're going first, which means you get to pick the letter.

There's so many letters to choose from.

Reminder, B, L, and Q have been already selected.

I know you wanted to jump on Q.

I know that's a hot one.

Oh, don't worry, Bob.

I'll get back to you with the letter Z.

Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah.

Are you sure?

He wants to play games.

I'm going to lose now with my own hard letter.

That'll teach us.

All right.

You two are lost in whatever forest this animal that's stalking you is in.

You have just the clothes on your back and these items that you have brought with you, starting with the letter Z, and you are being stalked by three and a half panthers in the middle of the night.

I'll let you decide which half is that last one.

Too bad for that half guy.

Yeah, the half panther's really not pulling his weight here, but uh.

Just the top half.

That way there's no legs.

Yeah, there are.

Well, I mean, it's kind of all legs, right?

Oh, I see just a worm body.

That would be terrifying, a panther just.

All right, there's three panthers and one snake panther coming after you.

Yes.

Wade, as a reminder, in case you forgot, your letter is Z.

No, I'm going to take the easy one here.

The zebra.

A zebra.

Okay.

All right.

Either to ride me out or distract them.

I see.

I see.

Okay.

I could see the wisdom.

Bob.

I would like my Zeppelin, please.

Great choice.

Great choice, man.

Get right out of that ring.

The band or the blue.

No, no.

The rigid airship.

The Zeppelin.

Well, a Zeppelin.

It's a kind of rigid airship.

I'm not sure if there's enough room to deploy it, but we'll see.

We'll see.

Zendaya, because I know Spider-Man will be there to help her.

Zendaya, the actress, yes, is going to be there because they're banking on Spider-Man showing up.

Great.

Okay.

Probably has like a bodyguard.

I'm bringing my own Zen.

I choose Zenyada from Overwatch.

Ah, damn, that's a good one.

Zenyata, this is a great stack up.

This is good.

All right.

Zenyada practically flies, a big robot, and deadly.

Very good.

He fart hovers.

Does he?

He sits cross-legged, but hovers.

So

I always considered him to be be a fart hoverer.

He's got the unlimited Kweef power.

I was a Zenyatamane back in the day.

So I love that dude.

It was fun.

All right, Wade.

Zipper to zip the trees together so the Panthers can't get through.

Zipper.

Big zipper.

Okay, you get one big zipper.

You zip up two of the...

trees out of the millions and billions of trees.

I'll take it.

All right, Bob, back to you.

Not at all stealing an idea from Wade from the last round.

I choose Zapdos.

Zapdos.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

The Lightning Flying Pokemon.

Zapdos.

One of the three

trilogy of...

What are those things?

What's that called?

The Blue Eyes White Dragon of Pokemon?

Or whatever they are.

What are those things?

The Legendary Birds?

Those ones.

The Legendary Birds.

They're, yeah, whatever.

I don't know the lore that well.

Wade.

Well, I choose the move Zap Cannon, so I have a 33% chance of hitting.

Zap.

But if it hits, it really damages.

All right, okay, all right, okay, okay.

It's fine.

It's fine.

All right.

All right.

Bob, back to you.

I know lots of stuff that starts with Z.

I'm just trying to pick which one I want.

Well, you got a limited time.

I choose Z-Z Tops.

ZZ Top.

The whole band?

All of them.

Hopefully they're on a a tour bus or something.

Are they all still alive?

I do not know.

They are quite old, but I have no idea.

Well, if they are alive,

if any of them aren't alive, their dead body will show up.

Girls go crazy about a sharp-dressed man.

Zoe Saldana, who plays Gamora.

Oh.

Yeah, but not Gamora.

But she knows how to be Gamora.

You brought two actresses out into the middle, and they're just standing there like, why have you done this?

And I still say, is Avengers the symbol?

They're like,

all right, okay.

Bob, back to you.

Man, I have so many words just rushing through my head.

I choose zero point,

which is the ultimate ability of the agent KO from the game Valorant, which disables, which disables characters' abilities when they're hit with it.

What is the Panther's ability?

I don't know.

Speed, biting,

whatever abilities they have, they can't do nothing.

All they can do is slowly walk around and be all, I'm disabled temporarily.

I think

their best ability is that they are black at night, so they're almost invisible.

So they turn white.

I'll say they like invert.

So they're really easy to spot.

It's also cool because it's like a throwing knife thing.

You're all,

he says something cool and then he's all.

All right.

Man, you have stacked up the powers, Bob.

You got a Zeppelin to get out of there.

So you not only get out, you get home.

You got Zenyata, who's probably, let's just assume he only takes one of them down, which it's Zenyata.

He can also heal.

He's primarily a healer.

Zapdos, which is literally like...

A giant electrical bird.

Unless the Panthers are ground type.

Oh, that's true.

Are Panthers ground type?

They seem more like...

They seem more like normal type to me.

Or dark.

Probably dark type.

Maybe dark.

I can see dark.

Maybe.

Yeah.

All right.

ZZ Top is there playing music.

And then zero point this ability from Valorant.

I'm going to just go on a limb and say you're going to survive the three and a half Panthers pretty easily.

All right.

Maybe with a couple scratches, unlike me.

Yeah, well, Wade, don't be too shocked because you have a zebra, which is very easy target for a Panther.

That's takes one of the panthers away.

Wait, wait, just has bait to defeat.

You have Zendaya.

You can't do that.

You can't do that.

You have

Zoe Saldana.

But the problem is I said three and a half Panthers.

Oh, don't worry.

I can account for that.

You've got a Zap Cannon.

What the fuck was Zap Cannon again?

again it's a move that like does crazy damage but i think it's only got like a 33 chance to hit

so presumably it would kill half of a panther okay it's 33

which and but it's half a panther so it's slower look man the zipper ain't gonna help you i think this is still a 50 50 shot i'm not our

but the the bait really got your numbers down the bait really works Yeah, I didn't see the vision until just now.

That makes so much sense.

How it weighs on your conscience, I don't know.

How's that feel, Wade?

Is that okay?

You live with that?

Already forgotten about it.

All right.

Let's see if you're going to keep forgetting about it.

A-ba!

Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

Dallas.

I got it.

No, that's a tails.

Unfair.

Unfair.

Okay, he called unfair.

On that coin flip, you call unfair?

That's the thing?

Yes.

Okay.

So if it's unfair, obviously you survive.

It overturns it.

But if it's doubly fair, you lose a point.

Deal.

Deal.

All right.

Here we go.

Bonk.

Wham.

Heads.

Tails.

Ah, so close.

So close, man.

Unfair times two.

Listen, we're going to have to add some stuff to the Constitution if you want to do that.

All right.

Sorry, Wade.

It didn't work out for you.

Man, half a Panther away.

That's honestly really close.

It's pretty good.

That was really, that was really close, man.

You almost made it out.

I should have brought a Zigzagoon instead of a zipper.

More bait.

Yeah, more bait.

Yeah, man.

All right.

Okay.

Zaquilfish.

It's French.

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All right, Bob, back to you.

What is your letter?

C.

C.

Good choice.

Not quite.

Crap.

Cunning.

Cement.

Hey, stop taking my words.

I don't know how to give encouragement with the C word.

Cool choice, comrade.

Cool choice.

Cool choice, comrade.

Okay, that's good.

Okay.

Gentlemen, you have gone on a shopping trip, but this shopping trip has gone horribly, horribly awry.

You are dead center in the middle of the world's largest IKEA.

And unfortunately, the building has caught on fire.

You're in the maze-like areas of IKEA.

Everything's flammable, super flammable, actually.

The sprinkler system is out.

You either have to escape or die in the flames.

The letter is C.

Bob is going first whenever you're ready.

I don't know what it does, but I choose a Class C fire extinguisher.

I feel like that's an adjective.

But it's a specific kind of fire extinguisher.

There's A through d and k and there's class c fire it's apparently it is involved in putting out electrical equipment fire such as motors appliances power tools but it it is still just generally a fire extinguisher wade how do you feel about that one it doesn't sound like it'll be that useful so let him have it all right class c specifically class c fire extinguisher you got it wade carpet comma magic to fly out on

there's two c's in there yeah if he gets fire extinguisher, why can't I have a carpet?

If you could say chaw magic or something like that, maybe, but I this is bending the rules quite a bit, guys.

I let him bend.

All right, I'm gonna give you a carpet and I'm gonna put parentheses magic.

I won't tell you what kind of magic.

That's fine.

All right, Bob, back to you.

I would like a Civic, please.

A Civic.

All right, cooler car.

Cooler car than that.

Nah, nah.

Civic.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Nah, cooler car, both with C's.

I think it works.

So he gets a cooler car than you.

That's just a cool.

He can have a car.

He doesn't get to have a cooler car.

That's an adjective.

Well, the car is also a C.

It's because the adjective works with this one because they're both C.

So

he's specifying just what type of.

All right.

He gets a car.

Just any car.

I will literally pick a random car out of a random car generator.

That's what you get.

All right, Bob.

I choose commander keen

commander

keen

who is that it's a side-scrolling platformer game developed by hid software okay all right

all right i choose commander keen he'll save us uh-huh sure wade clap trap clap trap from borderland he actually does almost always kind of help he does he does he's he's helpful helpful.

Bob, a carrier.

I'll let you interpret that however you might.

It might be an Ikea bag, but you know,

we'll see where the cards land.

All right.

Wade, Cougar.

Also into interpretation.

We'll see where the cards land.

You got a cougar.

All right.

Okay, Bob, last choice.

Oh, man.

I'm already so safe.

You know what?

I'll just have a snack corn dog.

All right, wait, last chance.

Wow, wow,

you were so fast, Bob.

Chewing gum, chewing gum, chewing gum.

Hey, you could have another double C if you go the other route.

I accidentally did.

Chewing cum.

He's got

you.

That's what you get.

What the

gum.

Well, I wouldn't allow that because it's just like all gum is chewing for chewing.

I don't know.

The rule.

Okay, I don't even know.

Next time I'm going to be super strict.

Only single words.

That's what I'll say.

Only one word.

World's perfectest letters.

All right.

Okay.

All right.

Listen, you guys are messing it up.

All right.

Classy fire extinguisher.

That's good.

That helps you.

I think that would at least get you one room away.

That would be some progress, right?

It would make some progress.

You have a civic.

I'm assuming that's a Honda Civic.

You could probably bastard a wall or two.

Commander Keen.

Commander Keene is an eight-year-old boy with an IQ of 314.

He's a brilliant inventor.

He's built a spaceship.

He's built the Bean with Bacon mega rocket, as well as other devices out of household materials.

And he's known for traveling around on his pogo stick, which he discovered on Mars, allowing him to perform incredible high and far jumps that let him reach inaccessible areas.

Holy shit.

He didn't perform incredibly enough to have a game in the last 24 years.

Well, either way, that poke stick might jump you out of there, I guess.

There's multiple levels to this IKEA, but I'm assuming that it could help.

Carrier, I'm going to say that's not an aircraft carrier.

I'm going to say that's some kind of a thing to carry things, but still, you have a corn dog.

Between the fire extinguisher, the Civic to drive through walls, and Commander Keen with a 300 IQ, I'm thinking you you get out.

I think all I needed was Commander Keen.

I think he's got, we're in Ikea surrounded by home goods.

That's his

materials.

Now, Wade, you have a carpet magic.

There is a moment in Aladdin where the carpet catches a little bit on fire, but much like the fire extinguisher, I think that gets you progress towards the exit, but not full pros.

I need to pull up a random car generator to see what car you get.

A Hyundai Elantra.

Also good.

That's fine.

That's a nice compact car.

That's fine.

Bam!

Through a few more walls.

And then, okay, you have Claptrap.

Now, Claptrap's benefit is Claptrap is metal, has one wheel, has some weapons, I think.

Generally speaking, can be zappy.

Eat zaps.

You have a cougar.

Is this

an older woman, or is this the cat?

Live it to the coin.

Oh, all right.

Okay.

Heads, cat,

tails, madam.

Yes.

That's tails.

Okay, so you have an older but attractive female companion and plenty of chewing come.

I think,

I,

I think that if there's fire on the way out, I use her as another rug.

You feed her to the fire just like you fed Zendaya to the Jaguars.

There we go.

Ladies out there, never accompany me into a disaster zone.

Oh, man.

All right.

I think you do make it because the carpet gets you pretty far i think farther than the fire extinguisher the car is equivalent you bash through there and claptrap not quite as smart as commander keen but has some utility so besides you look really cool chewing your chewing comfort flowing

on the way out of the fire really well done i think you live oh man but at what cost at what cost only

nobody really knows evidence burned up in the fire all right we only got through five um letters i'm shocked I had a bunch more prompts, but we are fortunately out of time to do any more.

Keep track of what letters we use, though.

So if we do it again, we don't have to use those again.

I got it.

It'll stay in my notebook here.

So I'm going to read the

letters.

I'm going to read the points that you got.

Bob, be ready to be surprised.

What do you mean, man?

That's anybody's game out here.

Oh, man.

All right.

Bob, you get Y wet point.

Dizzy from Scream.

You won.

You survived falling out of an airplane.

You survived every scenario.

I just realized that you survived everything.

I'm a survivor.

I'm not going to give up.

You survived falling out of an airplane.

You survived being executed by firing squad.

You survived being in a car in a frozen river.

You survived three and a half Panthers at night and

the fire in the world's largest IKEA.

Wade,

you got a sleeping point.

You tossed some football around.

Ooh, hoo-hoo.

Ho-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

That's what I wrote.

I remember what that was.

Three, scenario three, which is Cardin Frozen River, and scenario five, which is World's Largest Ikea.

So, oh, yeah.

So with Bob, you have seven points going into the final round.

And Wade, you have five points still within the wheel of possibility.

And there's a chance.

We've not seen sudden death in at least one episode.

Yeah, yeah, that won't come up again.

I'll put on the wheel, like

put nah, I'd live.

What's that mean?

For the survivor, like who is the best who who survived who lived?

Put will to live.

The will to live.

Because if any of you are just like, I give up or something in the website, that'll be.

Will to live.

All right, how many spins are we doing?

How many?

Come on, one.

All right.

All right.

There's still a chance.

Sudden death.

Sudden death.

Or golf rules.

The wheel would never pull golf rules again on me.

It would never pull golf rules.

I see surprise golf rules.

These are really getting jammed in here, these long curls.

And here's the one spin.

Come on!

Daddy needs a new pair of wings.

Oh, happiest contributions.

I will say that might be Wade because because you were dizzy from a scream and then you were complaining about the weather being wet.

He slept, even though he was sick.

He slept and he tossed a football and he went, Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

And his suggestions made me laugh a lot.

So

I'm going to give you that point.

So, but unfortunately, Wade, that puts you at six.

Oh, man, that was a close game.

So close.

Yes, it was a close game.

And in this game, only letters, friends.

Only letters, friends, was written at the top.

I-T-G-O-L-F,

it golf.

Golf rules.

The very beginning, this was a golf rules episode.

Oh, Mark did surprise golf rules.

In this game, only letters, friends.

I said that at the beginning, in the opening of this entire episode, as the name of the game.

It golf.

Wade wins.

With the lowest number of points.

I'm mad about that, but just because I'm curious, if we had gotten surprise golf rules on the wheel, would that have flipped it back?

It would have flipped it back.

Yeah.

It would have flipped it right back.

That would have been the most painful loss of my career.

Can you imagine getting that with the one spin and then having it take it away because the rules were already no?

Imagine absolutely having luck dictate that you're the winner of an episode and then having the golf rule spin come up and steal it away from you.

Who could that happen to?

Who indeed?

That, yeah, that might be the most painful loss of your career, Wynne, but we'll never know how that feels.

That's a shame, that is.

Anyway,

masterful performance, Bob.

Masterful.

What a survivor.

You did so good.

And by the sheer technicalities of, I'm going to throw a curveball in the mirror.

You don't know how long I was like, how do I hide golf in the name of this thing?

Easy.

Just read words and we won't pay attention.

You know, I probably could have been that easy because I was like,

a game of letters freedom.

Game of letters fun.

Game of letters

feelings.

I was really trying to figure out how to do that, but in this game, only letters, friends is what I came up with.

Congratulations, Wade.

You, by the sheer cosmic forces that surround you, win.

For some reason, unfair was already called so i guess there's not even anything i can do about it no sadly sadly hell yeah i really thought this through stupidly somehow

uh you know mark great game bob and i picked some of the not easiest letters to work with some that we thought would be easier ended up being harder than expected but you know i gotta give credit where credit is due Zendaya, Zakugar, Zoe Saldana, thank you for your sacrifices.

They didn't help, but somehow they did.

They did help.

They just didn't do it all.

They contributed a lot to that scenario, really.

I think it was contributed just a little bit.

No worries.

Anyway, thank you.

Bob,

I am sorry about this one.

I almost thought about not doing it, but I did plan that from the beginning.

You know what?

I do understand it because we have to manufacture ways where Wade is allowed to win by not paying attention to anything at least some of the time.

Whoa.

I was paying attention today.

i just thought you'd have to work that in or he would just never win anything so i i get it you know i get it don't hate the player hate the game i'm not hating the game i'm i'm i'm respecting the game about me i feel like i got some oh i'm just kidding you

anyway uh i lose and wade host the next one hooray all right well thank you guys so much if only we had rebuttals in these losers

i choose to rebuttal you know first he doesn't even remember the episode I host.

And now this.

Hey, you want to come over and have a catch, though?

Throw a ball?

Yeah, new winner speech.

Thanks, Mark.

This is the first episode we've done since the, what, the couch episode.

Real good to be hanging out together again.

We've done two episodes since the couch episode.

I don't count either one of them.

Listen, listen, listen.

I'm glad this is the most divisive episode possible, but

I thank Amy for coming up with the idea.

That was very fun.

You guys did great.

I appreciate both of you.

But unfortunately, one is the winner.

All right.

Thank you.

But you know who's the winner?

You at home, listening and or watching.

Both of you did equally good, I'm assuming.

All both of our listening watchers?

The listener and the watcher.

Thank you.

Thank you for being here all the way to the end.

Hope you enjoyed it.

Follow the podcast and stay up the day with it.

We do two a week.

Don't know if you knew that.

And if you haven't told your friends about it, don't do it.

Don't tell your friends and family about this podcast.

Thank you.

Thank you, Bob and Wade.

That was very funny.

And have a good day.

Podcast out.

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Youtine, adjective.

Used to describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained.

One who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly.

They do not always show up on time, but when they arrive, you notice an individual confident in their contradictions.

They know the rules, but behave as if they do not exist.

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