Best of Mark: Part 1 (Compilation)

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Speaker 1 On Facebook, a little connection goes a long way, especially the night before Thanksgiving. Facebook is the only way I keep track of like a lot of my family members.

Speaker 1 Around the holidays, we're all like nostalgic and remembering like the time that we could all fit under one roof.

Speaker 1 And so we all reach out like, oh, have these stories and such, which is actually really, really nice. But you know what's even better than that? Things.

Speaker 1 Facebook Marketplace is my favorite.

Speaker 1 But it's even more fun when I have to go visit my stupid parents around the holidays and I can pull up Facebook Marketplace and see what's for sale around their house.

Speaker 1 I caught up with a friend I hadn't talked to. Would you buy? Few moments of their time.
You had to pay for that? Ha, lane. Let's reconnect this holiday season with Facebook.

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Speaker 1 This episode of Distractible is presented by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. Okay.

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Speaker 1 Guarantee exclusions details at t-mobile.com/slash home internet. Once again, we return to Mathmost Flighty, delving deep in the vault most mighty.

Speaker 1 It's time for

Speaker 1 best of mark part one.

Speaker 1 Marker's in a nuclear test range. Hey, if we do another ad bit with meteors or like explosions, you've got it.
Hey, I ordered a new mattress. Ding-dong.
Oh!

Speaker 1 This is so dumb.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh!

Speaker 1 So we have an idiot, a sleep-deprived guy, and a sick guy doing a podcast episode today, and this is what you get:

Speaker 1 a bomb!

Speaker 1 It's like when you give toddlers technology and they make their first video and it's like really shitty and they look at it embarrassed 20 years later, like, what was I thinking?

Speaker 1 Mark is either gone or sitting very still. Hello?

Speaker 2 He's thinking.

Speaker 1 Hello? Hello? Let's try a simple one. Mark, how many fingers? Hello? Oh, wait, I know how to fix this.
Mark, how many fingers? Hello?

Speaker 1 I texted you. Hello? You know what, Bob? I'm going to give you a good internet point.
Thanks. That seems fair.

Speaker 2 Hello?

Speaker 1 They tried to take me out. It didn't work.
The world government. Oh, sweet fucking Jesus.
No, no, not again.

Speaker 1 Hello?

Speaker 1 I'm getting out of here. Let's leave.
You and me, Wade. Three, two, one.

Speaker 1 Whoever leaves first wins.

Speaker 1 Wade is clearly right there. Neither of you left.
Editors, send me to Guam. What does Guam look like? I'm in Guam!

Speaker 1 Put me in Guam.

Speaker 1 You have no idea what that. Why do you look like you're underwater? I don't think Guam is underwater.
Put me in Guam! Look at all this Guam! Is that offensive? No idea, probably. I feel offended.

Speaker 1 You know, to be fair to Mark, I looked up Guam and the first image was a beach. Oh, pretty close.
Guam is a U.S. island territory in Micronesia.

Speaker 1 Because I know there's a military, a lot of military presence, and John, who was on an aircraft carrier, they would dock there, and that's actually where he spent all of COVID.

Speaker 1 Oh, these guys are, they know the future. Guam's World War III significant.
Oh, wait, that's two. That's two.

Speaker 1 I can read. Hey, Bob.
Bobby boy.

Speaker 1 Have a seat. Have a seat.
Have a seat. Yeah.
Come on. Have a seat.
Okay. Have a seat.
All right. Okay.

Speaker 1 So I heard from your teacher that you were asking some questions that the teacher was legally not allowed to disclose to you.

Speaker 1 Given the laws currently implemented in the state that we're in, was not legally allowed to answer the questions for you.

Speaker 1 So I have taken it upon myself to create a slideshow presentation to guide you through this process. But why don't you just ask me?

Speaker 1 Ask me anything. Ask me anything.
I mean, to start it off, I've got a whole thing here, but you know, I want to hear from you.

Speaker 1 I'm just curious, how, where do babies come from and what are they made of?

Speaker 1 Excellent question. Excellent question.
Have you heard of the ship of Theseus?

Speaker 1 You know, I have a memory of that, almost like a fever dream

Speaker 1 from earlier in my life, but I think so, yeah. Good, good, okay, all right.
So, a baby, uh, think of it like a ship. You like ships, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, ships are cool, yeah. So, so, so, but instead of a built ship, you gotta, you gotta like build a ship at some point, right?

Speaker 1 It starts from nothing, sure, in the shipyard, but an idea, it's an idea of a thing, right? Yeah, okay,

Speaker 1 so um, let's think of the shipyard

Speaker 1 as um uh

Speaker 1 a penis, right? You know what a penis is.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 My penis is a shipyard? Let's just think of it that way. Okay.
This is our

Speaker 1 world of imagination right now, okay? All right. So the shipyard is looking at, let's say, the ocean.

Speaker 1 Think of the ocean as what's called a vagina. Let me just show you the slide of a vagina.
You probably haven't seen one. This is a vagina, right?

Speaker 1 You see the clitoris, the clitoral hood, the mons, pubis. You've got the labia minora and majora, right? Where

Speaker 1 what is

Speaker 1 where is where is that at? Don't worry. Do I have one of those? This is just so you think of the ocean.
When you look at this, think of the ocean, okay? You're looking at this? Think of the ocean.

Speaker 1 You know the ocean with the waves and splashing all around, right? Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 Don't think of it. Uh, let me go now to the penis, right? Now, this is a penis.
That's not what mine looks like. That's okay.
Don't worry. It's um uh

Speaker 1 don't worry about it right now.

Speaker 1 So okay you see this is the shaft. This is the cavernosa uh majorum.
This is the perennium here. Uh you have the glands, you know, the foreskin.
Well, depending. I mean,

Speaker 1 another story for another day. Okay.
All right. But I really want you to focus down here on what are known as the testicles, right? Okay.
Yeah. Okay.
All right. Okay.

Speaker 1 But again, don't think of this. Think of a shipyard.
Okay, this is a shipyard. And in a shipyard, you have a bunch of

Speaker 1 people running around right yeah the people that actually like build the ship okay all right shipwrights yeah yeah ship rights sure yeah ship rights very good very good okay um i know stuff and let's just assume that one day the shipyard got really drunk okay they had a party

Speaker 1 you know okay sure do you know what that is you don't know what that is okay anyway um i know what a party is they had a party that sounds fun yeah yeah they had a party they had a party at say let's say a ski lodge or something like that

Speaker 2 Okay, there's a ski lodge in the shipyard.

Speaker 1 Got it. Yeah, and then there,

Speaker 1 yeah,

Speaker 1 and then there was a beach where the ocean was

Speaker 1 there. Okay.

Speaker 1 Ski beach. Got it.
Yeah, exactly. Okay.
So

Speaker 1 one of these shipwrights was looking at the ocean, and the ocean was looking at the shipwright. And they locked eyes and they were like, oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know? Okay. He likes the ocean.
Then the shipyard decided, well, it wasn't really a decision. Okay.
Ordinarily, shipyards, they have safety precautions known as OSHA.

Speaker 1 But, you know, let's just say that OSHA

Speaker 1 failed

Speaker 1 at this moment in time. Sure.

Speaker 1 And one of these shipwrights started getting really, really productive. Okay.

Speaker 1 And built. a ship.
Okay. More like, okay, imagine there was a glowing ethereal orb in the middle of the shipyard that was birthed from the ocean.
And then the shipwright was like, this is my hole.

Speaker 1 It's meant for me.

Speaker 1 And dove headfirst into that glowing ethereal alien orb and merged into being part of the DNA from the shipwright and part of the DNA from this orb, which there was inside of it, merged together.

Speaker 1 And then that started building a boat. Okay.
Yeah. Sure.
And then the that's like a man boat. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 Exactly. Except that the shipwright was like melted as he entered into it.
So the entire being that was the shipwright kind of like dissolved. And all that was left was the primordial goo within him.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 So then this boat starts growing and growing and growing. And then one day in a cataclysmic, extremely painful, catastrophic, bloody event was launched.
Have you ever seen a ship launch before?

Speaker 1 Yeah, it kind of slides in and makes a big splash. Yeah, big splash, but pretty big because you're pretty small, right? I am small, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna show you this next slide.

Speaker 1 This is in the middle of a childbirth, okay? Now you'll see.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you'll see the head is starting to emerge. It's a boat, it's a boat.

Speaker 1 Which part is the boat? The head is the boat, the vagina is the ocean, and

Speaker 1 it's called birthing a boat. Uh-huh.
So when that looks like somebody's dying. No, sometimes.

Speaker 1 Sometimes.

Speaker 1 If, let's say, like

Speaker 1 the boat gets stuck and doesn't get enough water.

Speaker 1 I'll bear it back. I need alcohol for the rest of this.

Speaker 1 Normally it's fine. And this boat is you.
Oh. That's where babies come from.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Oh.

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Speaker 1 All right, Mark. The first sentence is: I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone.
And so I come up with the second half. Yeah, you give me the second sentence, and it's a horror story.

Speaker 1 So make it scary. Okay, so say it again.
I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone.

Speaker 1 Whoa.

Speaker 1 I told you, I tried real hard, but I have no idea if these are good prompts, so good luck. Especially since I was in a tent.
Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Oh, man, that just raises so many scary questions. And then I remembered, I don't have a door.
I know, right? Yeah, it's terrifying. You're camping out in the woods, you hear ding-dong.

Speaker 1 Fuck, you're done. That's, yeah, that's not good.
Everybody knows that's problems. Mark, I think you can beat that.
I believe in you. I heard the doorbell ring, but I wasn't expecting anyone.

Speaker 1 Oh, God, I've almost got something. I've almost got something.
Oh, it's gonna shm me. You're gonna shit.
You gotta shit. Go run to the bathroom, everybody.
Listen to this.

Speaker 1 You're about to poop your pants. Um, especially since I was on the moon.

Speaker 1 Hope everyone made it to the bathroom in time. Ah, fuck shit.
I'm not going to ask if you're ready. We're just jumping in.
All right. You're an orgasming pig, and a farmer is coming to slaughter you.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. What? Male or female pig? Mark is the author of this story.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 You have at least 30 minutes.

Speaker 1 Of what? Orgasm power? What do you mean, at least 30 minutes? Yeah, the farmer's not going to kill you during. He's respectful.

Speaker 1 So, what? Do I got to make it last longer?

Speaker 1 No, not necessarily. You just have to survive.
But you could.

Speaker 1 Not the orgasm. You have to survive the farmer.
The farmer is the threat. The orgasm is just happening.

Speaker 1 That's the matter, but I thought you were ready. Go on, man.

Speaker 1 What do you even have to think about? The first move's obvious. Okay, all right.
All right. Here we go.
Dear penthouse forum. I never thought it would happen to me.
There I was

Speaker 1 with Betsy. Oh, man, you've seen a pig before, right? Anyway, finish the deed.

Speaker 1 Barely three minutes into mid-finish, and here I hear Farmer John's boots thundering down the roadway. I know what's up.
He fed me oats that morning. I know a trap when I see it.
Look down.

Speaker 1 It's not Betsy. It's a pile of straw wrapped in a blanket.
Fool on me, right? Well, anyway, I know that

Speaker 1 he's very polite. He'll make sure that

Speaker 1 I get to enjoy myself before my bitter, bitter end. Well, two can play at that game.
I see a pail of milk that he left out. Fool he is.

Speaker 1 I've got a bucket full of fraud that's gonna keep this going all night long. So long as he sees some white fluid

Speaker 1 occurring he's not gonna kill you because he thinks I'm not done yet take that bucket stealthily slide it under me and I just take a whoop and I go

Speaker 1 for hours

Speaker 1 I don't know if I've ever hoped for a toy more in my life but I'm hoping for it right now

Speaker 1 damn it Mark,

Speaker 1 I'll give you this hint, Mark.

Speaker 1 It's an audio clue.

Speaker 1 It doesn't make a sound. It doesn't make a sound.
It doesn't make a sound.

Speaker 1 No, it can't be an audio clue. I'm ignoring that.
I'm ignoring that. That's a real clue, and honestly, should get you the answer right now.
I'm ignoring that entirely. I'm ignoring it because it just.

Speaker 1 Mark, it's obviously a tooth rack. Is it a spork?

Speaker 1 You jumped right past a couple other guesses for that one, but no, it's not specifically a spork. No.
Spoon. Plastic spoon? No.
Plastic fork. It's a plastic fork.
I hate you.

Speaker 1 I hate you.

Speaker 1 Because why?

Speaker 1 Why would I think specifically a plastic fork? When you said it was not metal, all cutlery went out the window because cutlery... Because it's made of plastic.
It's made of metal.

Speaker 1 Hey, dude, I had to rule out wood basketball. What do you mean, Bob? What do you mean?

Speaker 1 Why would the thing be a plastic fork? Why would that be the thing you made the hardest possible thing to narrow down? Because you put it in a category that it's not typically in.

Speaker 1 What? You never guessed fork? Because you said it wasn't metal! My 12th guess was cutlery for myself. Mark never went there.
That's crazy. He stole everything else I said, but not that.

Speaker 1 Again, again, that's the next one.

Speaker 1 Why would you do that to me? You know, I thought, I thought Spork a long time ago. A long time ago, I was like, okay, there's a possibility that it's like plastic something like

Speaker 1 spork went up in my mind when he was like plate was associated with, but I was like, there's no way it'd be that. Man, plastic fork? A plastic fork? Yes.

Speaker 1 Why have you done this? Are you appealing to like the subreddit or something? Do you think this is unfair, Mark? I'm appealing to the subreddit.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'm throwing my only flag I have left because holy crap. I want to take a nap and I will in your tub with your pillow blanket.
I see how it is. Plastic fork.

Speaker 1 Plastic plastic fork this is gonna haunt him for for days to come

Speaker 1 doesn't something smell a little

Speaker 1 hey do you smell something well that's a weird smell i don't know what it is have you ever felt the chill run up your spine well it was like something tapped me on the shoulder but when i've turned around

Speaker 1 get ready to forget everything you know about everything guys

Speaker 1 i i'm still smelling something weird a whole city of people just turning turning round and round, endlessly. All right, if someone doesn't say they're smelling what I'm smelling, I swear I'm.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 What happened to the moon? You expect me to believe we're surrounded by gases that we cannot see. I know what clouds look like.
Those aren't clouds.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the show that was formerly known as Don't Look Up, but we were sued by some dumbass in a movie studio. This is.

Speaker 1 It's in the air.

Speaker 1 Viewer discretion is advised

Speaker 1 Dear pen I was four and never thought it would happen to me there I was with Betsy you know a pig, right?

Speaker 1 I'm not three minutes in finishing I hear farmer what's his name's boot come thundering out the way I and I know that I know what's up. He fed me oats this morning, so I know what the game is.

Speaker 1 And I look down, it's not even Betsy. It's a fucking bale of hay wrapped in in a blanket.
But I know he's polite, right? I know he's polite. I feel bad, ashamed, tricked.
He's very polite.

Speaker 1 He won't finish me before I'm finished finishing. So I look around with as stealth that I can.
See a bucket milk, drag it under me. I go like, ah, one white substance as good as another.

Speaker 1 Dip my hoofing, go, ah, god. And then while he's standing there watching, kind of weird, but you know, we're in this.

Speaker 1 I started thinking with my little pig brain and I'm like, ah, I have the ultimate plan. It took me half that bucket to think of this plan.
I feign a heart attack. I know he's a sympathetic sort.

Speaker 1 He fed me oats. He made Betsy, I guess.
And he would not dare kill me if I'm already dying. Shake the milk off of my hoof.
I lay down and go, ah! Like, I got a heart attack, right?

Speaker 1 Surprise, poop attack. I jump on him when he gets close.
Diarrhea all over. See, the only tool I got left, I have very few fluids left in my body, but I decide to shit all over him.

Speaker 1 That'll teach him a lesson he'll never forget. And while he is flailing from all the poop, I grab Betsy for later and grab his shovel that he dropped.
And then in my,

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 do one of these. Swing? With both.
It's not really like a swing. It's more like a.

Speaker 1 I try to decapitate him. Okay.
Wade, you can end this. What? That was the third one.
I need an 18 or higher.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's definitely going to happen. We haven't wasted a bunch of 20s on goofing around.
Eight? Hey, teen? No.

Speaker 1 If I swallow this right now and die, will you give me the point? That's worth at least two points, I guess. Yeah.
Everyone, pull over to the side of the road. You got to watch this one.
Oh,

Speaker 1 gulp. I'm dead.

Speaker 1 That's two points to mark, I guess.

Speaker 1 Jesus, I'm getting railroaded here, man. Well, thankfully, he can't compete for any more points now, right? If he comes back to life, he loses the two points, just to be clear.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Anyway, interesting discussion. I think.
Hey, what's up, guys? Back from the afterlife here. Want to finish this episode out strong?

Speaker 1 I'm going to cross out dead and take those two points away, real quick. Can I get one point? I'm a ghost, man.
All right, I'll give you one ghost point. Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 You hear my echoey voice and everything? Editors. Editors, don't do any of this.
Just make him live with what he's done. No, please.
I sign your checks. That's not even true.
None of us sign shit.

Speaker 1 You're right, but I can call the person who does.

Speaker 1 I know them too. I have their number too.
I'll call them and tell them not to listen to Mark. You don't even worry about it.
All right, fine.

Speaker 1 Too many requests in one hour.

Speaker 1 My fate is pretty sour. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I think this is worth us to hear Mark talk like this for an hour.

Speaker 1 Just to translate it into something that's comprehensible. I think Mark just let us know that chat GPT just told him he can't do any more queries for a while.

Speaker 1 So you don't have your little AI buddy to help you rhyme anymore.

Speaker 1 My friend is gone, my friend is done.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make a hot crust bun.

Speaker 1 You get one point, minus three.

Speaker 1 It's only fair. It cannot be.

Speaker 1 Minus three?

Speaker 1 Three bad tries? No, no, no.

Speaker 1 You didn't think you were too slow. I was

Speaker 1 okay, but I had two bad tries and then I got it right. No, you're correct.
That is so true. Two minus one, but the other way to.

Speaker 1 To end this game and therefore win in the positives,

Speaker 1 your score must.

Speaker 1 I'm going to count it. That rhymed.
That rhymed. Sounds are allowed.
Didn't say that it has to be words. Why did they do this to myself? I could have been Riddleman

Speaker 1 and elf.

Speaker 1 Thanks, man.

Speaker 1 My little problem, I'll tell you, is that this thing only reads in the third person boohoo.

Speaker 1 I can't seem to get it to ask direct.

Speaker 1 That doesn't make me very erect. Let me finish my rhymes, you prick.
I think you're a giant dick.

Speaker 1 Well done. That's the best one you've had all day.

Speaker 1 You know what? You know what?

Speaker 1 I'm going back in time. Sorry, I'm going back in time.

Speaker 1 I changed it. Your shoulder? It's all better now.
Oh, cool. Well, Bob, you still have more points.

Speaker 1 What did I change then? Oh, God. What did I change?

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 What are we going to see in the future? I don't know. I don't know.
What did I do? Dear Penthouse Forum, you've heard this story before. Me, Betsy, you know, pigs.

Speaker 1 Anyway, three minutes in, Farmer John's coming. I'm not done coming.

Speaker 1 But I look down. I did a fucking trick.
Again, again, it's a pile of hay in a blanket. Anyway, he comes in.
He's looking at me. I know he likes to watch.

Speaker 1 I'm not about that, but he fed me oats this morning, so I know he's playing. He's going to wait till I finish.
I stealthily put the bucket of milk under me, hit my paw, and go.

Speaker 1 I can keep that up for hours. Gives me enough time to think.
Ah, heart attack. I've done it before.
I'll do it again. Shake my hoof off.
Dumb idea.

Speaker 1 He comes over. Boop attack.
Right in his eyes. Blast him.
Grab Betsy. Grab his shovel.

Speaker 1 Tornado attack didn't work. I throw the shovel away, grab Betsy again, drag out to the outside where there's a tractor.
I've seen the farmer use a tractor before. I throw Betsy up by the gas pedal.

Speaker 1 I say, when I say floor it, do it. I push buttons.
I pull levers, get that thing rumbling, point it right towards where that farmer's shaking in my shit pile. I say, floor it!

Speaker 1 And I remember Betsy's a pile of hay can't really do that. I scramble.
I like shit. I'm on the other side of the tractor.
It's already going.

Speaker 1 She's going to blow if I don't divert power to the engine or the wheels.

Speaker 1 So I dive dive for the gas pedal, push Betsy, unfortunately, out of the window, and I see Betsy tumble right under the tractor thresher blades. No!

Speaker 1 She was a pile of hay. She actually reformed back into a bale.
The blanket perfectly back all the way on the other side. Actually, better than before.

Speaker 1 After what I'd done to that pile of hay, it was not in the correct shape anymore. Betsy's by me.
I hit the gas pedal. Try again.
All right.

Speaker 1 All right, I rig it to self-destruct, and then I dive off with Betsy if you want something a little different. No, I like that.
I just don't know if it's gonna work.

Speaker 1 Please.

Speaker 1 I still, much to my chagrin, and I've talked about it endlessly, drive my Tesla that I've had for eight years. The giant piece of shit.
And that's not just me like hating for hating.

Speaker 1 No, it's been bad. It's been really bad.
I drove it off the lot as a piece of shit.

Speaker 1 It's been a piece of shit through every year of its warranty, in which it's been in service every single year for many times, same problem.

Speaker 1 And they've done full replacements on the suspension three times, and now it is officially out of warranty. So if it happens again, I'm screwed.

Speaker 1 Anyway, in Tesla, there's a cowbell mode that is activated by pressing the cruise control four times.

Speaker 1 And the thing is, if I press it twice and it doesn't activate, I'm going to press it because to activate it, you press it twice, right? I go click, click, and it doesn't go.

Speaker 1 So I go click, click again. And then I activated cowbell mode.
So for the rest of the fucking drive to Tyler's house.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 So, is it this? Is it actually the song? Is there something weird about pressing cruise control multiple times and don't fear the Reaper coming on? It is exactly, it was exactly that. It was don't.

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 It was a whole. I couldn't figure out how to turn off because pressing it four times again only restarts the song.

Speaker 1 And I'm in the middle of driving on the highway, so I'm just like,

Speaker 1 so for 20 minutes,

Speaker 1 it's a long song, but even when the song ends, it just loops. It loops after the first few lines, and then Christopher Walken comes out and says, I gotta have more cowbells.

Speaker 1 I got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. And then it goes again.

Speaker 1 The whole fucking drive.

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It's important, right? And I'm not just talking about fresh breath. It's important to switch up your routine whenever you can.

Speaker 1 I just, I'm the person who can't help but chew. You put a minimint in your mouth, you're supposed to suck on it.
I'm like,

Speaker 1 swallow. So I kind of need gum.
You turn into a cartoon dog. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Next time we hang out, I'm giving you a mint just to see what happens.

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Speaker 1 What if you spread butter on a piece of bread and dip that in another sauce? That's a cannoli. That is not a cannoli.
What's the difference between that and a cannoli? What do you think a cannoli is?

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 Do you think a cannoli is related to bread? No, because what I'm thinking about it is a cannoli, you put, you have like a flat piece of thing, you wrap it in something.

Speaker 1 So if you were to dip bread in something, you kind of have to put some kind of a fold in it. What cannot?

Speaker 1 You kind of have to put a fold in it. It's got a fold in it, rolled, and then they dip it in like whipped cream on the edge of it.
Here's the definition of cannoli.

Speaker 1 Italian pastries in the form of hard tubular shells filled with sweetened ricotta cheese and often containing nuts, citron, I don't know how

Speaker 1 to pronounce it, or chocolate bits. I rest my case.
You maybe dip the end of the cannoli in some chocolate and pistachios or something? You don't dip it into shit.

Speaker 1 A cannoli has nothing to do with this. Either way, the comparison stands because a cannoli is not bread.
And therefore you putting something on the bread. But what I said wasn't a cannoli either.

Speaker 1 Spreading butter on a piece of bread and then dipping that in a sauce does not make it a cannoli. How dare you to do it without rolling it?

Speaker 1 I think he's imagining you're rolling it up for some reason. Yeah, you look at it after you're done dipping and you're like, oh my god, I made a cannoli.

Speaker 1 You don't need to spread butter on a flat piece of bread. You take a hunk of bread, you spread butter around it, you dip, it's still the same hunk of bread you were dipping earlier.

Speaker 1 Your argument loses weight. You don't take a piece of bread and you hollow it out and shove bread inside so the warmth it melts it from outside in.

Speaker 1 I mean, I do do that, but that's not what I was supposing. That's just for fun.

Speaker 1 I don't think there's any difference between a cannoli and hot dog or like cannolian and bread and butter and anything like that. It's a rolled piece of bread.

Speaker 1 They all fall within a taco is a cannoli. That's

Speaker 1 a lot of bulge clay. I fucking love.
No, wait, I love that, actually.

Speaker 1 The debate is always, wait, is a hot dog a sandwich?

Speaker 1 You know what a hot dog is, idiots? A hot dog is a cannoli. It's a cannoli.
You're all stupid. All right, Mark, here, I'll go in a different direction.
I'll skip. How about this one?

Speaker 1 I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. Hit me again.
I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale. And then what?

Speaker 1 Wouldn't I like to know?

Speaker 1 Oh, God. Don't you guys like play a lot of scary games?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. You know, our instinct is not to perpetuate the scary.
It's kind of to make fun of it. Sorry,

Speaker 1 I wasn't ready for that question. Mark, I found a beautiful antique mirror at a garage sale.

Speaker 1 Yeah, right, okay. And action.
Well, you know, the thing about mirrors is they're uh

Speaker 1 there's sometimes

Speaker 1 you get a

Speaker 1 and when you have

Speaker 1 you know, there's two

Speaker 1 there were two there were two of me in there. There's two.
There's two of me

Speaker 1 There's always two with mirrors. Yep.
Uh-huh. Yep.

Speaker 1 Good. Excellent.
All right. Oh, dear.

Speaker 1 I don't have a lot of time. I'm 29 minutes into a 30-minute orgasm when I hear his footsteps coming by.
Forever wants to go kill me. He bed me oats this morning.
Real nice guy, but I know what's up.

Speaker 1 I don't have long left. Drag a bow and milk under me.
Started spewing out milk. He can't tell the difference.
He's half blind anyway. I was half blind.
Looked down Betsy's pile. of hay in a blanket.

Speaker 1 Look, don't have a lot of time. It was great until it wasn't.
Struggling that out, and then I realized I need to do a heart attack.

Speaker 1 Shake off my paw at the same time. Fall over, roll down.
He's so nice. Comes over real close, right within shitting distance.
Shit in his eyes. Grab Betsy, grab his shovel, try to swing the capital.

Speaker 1 Didn't work too low to the ground. I go outside where his tractor is.
And I know that I've seen him use it before. Throw Betsy up by the gas pedal.

Speaker 1 I say, like, when I tell you to floor it, you floor it. I start pushing buttons, pulling levers, and I get it lined up.
Engines are rumbling. I go, Betsy, flooring!

Speaker 1 The pile of hay throw it out the window. She goes in and thresher blades.
No, and then she reforms into a pile of hay. Pre-fucked with a blanket still on it.
It's great. Save that for later.

Speaker 1 I aim the tractor right at Farmer John where he's twitching my shit pile. I hit buttons, I gun it.
No, it bounces off. Doink, right in the barn.
Then I look back.

Speaker 1 That doinks threw a shotgun down off the wall. Oh shit, that's great.
Grab a shotgun. I think I can get this kid in my mouth.
Go over it, try to shoot him in his stupid face. Boink! Blank.
Fuck.

Speaker 1 He's so nice. He just had blanks in his shotgun.
He wasn't going to kill me at all. Maybe he wasn't going to kill me.
I apologize. I say, hey, bro, maybe I misread the whole situation.

Speaker 1 Can you please forgive me? You did right by me by that hay bale. I'm not going to lie.
Couldn't tell the difference. Why don't we just put all this behind us? Pal, pal?

Speaker 1 I put my just covered hoof out there for him to shake. Pal, buddy.
You need a 14.

Speaker 1 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 On the bright side, though, you get to play devil's advocate while determining what's true or false while singing your winner speech. Yeah, Mark, winner speech.

Speaker 1 I'm the best.

Speaker 1 I'm the best.

Speaker 1 He's the better than all of the rest.

Speaker 1 Poppin' ways.

Speaker 1 They're the worst.

Speaker 1 They just are the worst.

Speaker 1 I'm the one who wins forever and ever and a day.

Speaker 1 And a day.

Speaker 1 Kudos to Pluto's.

Speaker 1 Please only ever laugh like that for the rest of our lives.

Speaker 1 Three points to Mark for that laugh. That was the worst laugh I've ever heard him have.
That's awesome.

Speaker 1 What? Worst? That was the graph.

Speaker 1 You just have to force it out. You can't let it slow down.
It has to have momentum. It has to have force and volume with it.
Somebody please take that laugh and make it your ringtone.

Speaker 1 I don't know if I could do that.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you can either. No, you know what makes it happen, Mark.
You have to say the sentence, the whole setting. You have to say, kudos to Plutos.

Speaker 1 That's how you get that to come out of you. If you can recreate that sentence, I will give you four points, Mark.
Oh, God. Okay.
If you could give me a full-on kudos to Plutos,

Speaker 1 you will steal this victory, and I feel like it would be well-deserved and waiting for me.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Kudos to Plutos.

Speaker 1 That was so bad. It got caught in my throat.
I don't know how I did that.

Speaker 1 When you get in the kudos, Pluto's.

Speaker 1 bloody the woodpecker now, what happened?

Speaker 1 How the fuck did I do it?

Speaker 1 I don't, I can't, I literally can't make my epiglottis move that fast, which is how I made that laugh happen.

Speaker 1 All you had to do was recreate it, man. Dude, can you even create it? How did I

Speaker 1 get in a bit

Speaker 1 when I

Speaker 1 go to work.

Speaker 1 That's your recreation.

Speaker 1 That hurts something down here. See, it's weird, right? Your penis form.
I never imagined what happened to me. You know, Betsy, right?

Speaker 1 Well, anyway, three minutes into my 30-minute orgasm, I hear Farmer John. He's coming my way.
Ah, shit. Oats this morning.
I shouldn't have known. You're going to kill me.
Look down.

Speaker 1 It's not even Betsy. He's a hayball in a blanket.
I say, fuck, grab a bucket of milk that he forgot, pull it under me, start slinging it around. He walks in, loves to watch.

Speaker 1 He sees me slinging around. He's like, oh, I better wait until he finishes.
He's so nice. He's so goddamn polite.
Anyway, I get a lot of thinking time in as I'm flinging going,

Speaker 1 and then I realize, ah, if I fake a heart attack, he's so nice. He's not going to kill me if I'm already dying.
He might think something wrong with me. Go over,

Speaker 1 shake my oof off of milk. He comes over real close, shitting his eyes.

Speaker 1 He falls down, grabbed Betsy, grabbed the shovel, tried to tornado attack him, doesn't work, go out to the tractor, throw him up by the pedals. I start pulling off, pushing left.
It fires life.

Speaker 1 I go, FOR IT! She's a bail. Hey, I throw her out the window.
She goes into the thresher blades.

Speaker 1 I go, oh, and then she's even hotter than before when she comes out the other side with the blanket still on it. Man, that was a good blanket.
I hit the gas pedal, bounce off the wall, boink.

Speaker 1 Oh, shotgun falls down. I grab it in my mouth.
I go over there. I'm like, I'm gonna blow you away.
You something big. Click bang.
It's a blank. This guy was so goddamn nice.

Speaker 1 I stick out my milk-covered, jizz-covered, shit-covered paw, and I go, like, pal. He says, no, I like, well, fuck you then, anyway.
He was gonna eat me himself.

Speaker 1 He He says, I grab the lantern from up on high. I dive bomb into it.
I dive up, bomb into it. I headbutt it.
Blasts into a fireball conflagration. It takes the whole barn covered in hay everywhere.

Speaker 1 Wood beams. I say, like,

Speaker 1 baby, I can't kill you, but I'm going to take you with me or something. I said something cooler than that.
It was in the moment. I can't remember right now.

Speaker 1 And then as we're all burning and we're in there, he rises from the embers. He's half, you know, Vifa Vendetta when he stood out of the ashes, everything went, oh,

Speaker 1 that's what he did right right then and there. He's naked too.
Well, I mean, I'm naked too, but I'm a pig, but that's okay. And then I see behind him, Betsy.
Betsy, there.

Speaker 1 She's walking into the flames right behind him. He doesn't see.
He's

Speaker 1 too busy screaming about to kill me. Removes the blanket off of herself, wraps him and her in the blanket.

Speaker 1 I'm like, oh, my bacon's sizzling, but she's sacrificing herself to take this guy down once and for all because a blanket's gonna seal them both up.

Speaker 1 They will both burn, and I might live, but he will die. And I might die.
You need an 11.

Speaker 1 Please, please, please, please.

Speaker 1 You did it.

Speaker 1 15.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 the curse has been broken. Welcome to my side of the dice roll, Mark, where you never win and it only gets worse.

Speaker 1 That was quite a battle. Many phases.
Just because you can eat something does not make it bread. Just because you can roll something does not make it a cannoli.

Speaker 1 Just because you can breathe something does not make it bread.

Speaker 1 And just because you have a baby does not mean that it is tapping into your blood supply directly because there is a blood barrier between the placenta and the mother's uterus that provides through diffusion the nutrients necessary to sustain the baby.

Speaker 1 Do babies have to have oxygenated blood when they're still in the womb? Yes. Yes.
So is that air? Was oxygenated blood still technically oxygen still technically air at that point?

Speaker 1 Babies actually breathe liquid in their lungs when they're in the womb. But is there any any source of air in them?

Speaker 1 I mean, on a very small scale, then, yeah, oxygen would be dissolved in blood. So they could be bread.
There is a gaseous solution dissolved in the blood that they're being oxygenated.

Speaker 1 That does not necessarily mean because it's turning into a soup. They have oxygen soup that is not air because soup is a bread soup.
Babies are mostly soup. It's a bread bowl.

Speaker 1 Oh no.

Speaker 1 It's a bread bowl a good

Speaker 1 break. Oh no.

Speaker 1 Oh no. Oh God.
Oh no.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Everyone listening to this point has lost all of their hair, all of their patience, and they're sitting their mouth agape drooling, wondering, why did I tune in to this morning?

Speaker 1 Our ultimate conclusion here is babies are a bread bowl. Babies are soup in a bread bowl, but they're mostly soup.

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