Best of Bob: Part 1 (Compilation)

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Panda Express. If someone wanted to tell me that they love me, all they would need to do is get me some honey walnut shrimp from Panda Express.

Speaker 1 The message would not be lost in translation. In fact, I might even rather have honey walnut shrimp than words from an actual human mouth hole.

Speaker 1 If you're trying to get a message to me, honey walnut shrimp. However, you want to say it, say it with delicious, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Panda Express.
Have you eaten yet?

Speaker 1 Order now or visit the Panda Express near you.

Speaker 1 On Facebook, a little connection goes a long way, especially the night before Thanksgiving. Facebook is the only way I keep track of like a lot of my family members.

Speaker 1 Around the holidays, we're all like nostalgic and remembering like the time that we could all fit under one roof.

Speaker 1 And so we all reach out like, oh, have these stories and such, which is actually really, really nice. But you know what's even better than that? Things.

Speaker 1 Facebook Marketplace is my favorite.

Speaker 1 But it's even more fun when I have to go visit my stupid parents around the holidays and I can pull up Facebook Marketplace and see what's for sale around their house.

Speaker 1 I caught up with a friend I hadn't talked to. Would you buy? Few moments of their time.
You had to pay for that? Ha, lane. Let's reconnect this holiday season with Facebook.

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Nos Energy. Nos Energy exists to boost your horsepower.
So it depends on what kind of boost you need. Are you prepping for an exam?

Speaker 1 Are you prepping for a job interview? Are you prepping to wake up in the morning? You a prepper? Oh, I'm a big prepper.

Speaker 1 If you want the high-performance boost that tastes great, NOS Energy comes in a range of refreshing flavors. Original, GT Grape, and Sonic Sour.
And Nos Zero Sugar is, you guessed it, sugar-free.

Speaker 1 NOS Energy. Get after it.
Find out more at drinknos.com. That's D-R-I-N-K-N-O-S.com.
This episode of Distractible is presented by T-Mobile 5G Home Internet. Okay.

Speaker 1 How do you guys know when someone's really your friend? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 But I do know that T-Mobile 5G Home Internet's got your back with their fast speeds, easy 15-minute setup, a price for any budget, and five-year price guarantee.

Speaker 1 Visit t-mobile.com slash home internet to check availability. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.

Speaker 1 Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G networks.
Speeds vary due to factor affecting cellular networks.

Speaker 1 Guarantee exclusions details at tmobile.com/slash home internet. Very, we return to the vault.
Up to the plate comes a bodacious man with a brilliant plan. It's time for Best of Bob, part one.

Speaker 1 Dear Penthouse Ford,

Speaker 1 I can't believe it happened to me.

Speaker 1 The farmer showed up, and I know what he's up to. He's feeding me the good shit, and I know what that means.
This is my last day on this planet, unless I do something about it.

Speaker 1 Somehow, I escape from my pen, and I find the keys to a tractor. So I climb up in the tractor, and I'm gonna run the farmer over.
For some reason, my girlfriend's there. She's just a stack of hay.

Speaker 1 What the fuck?

Speaker 1 I try and run the farmer down, but he dodges it. I crash into the barn.
A lantern spills onto the ground. The oil goes everywhere.

Speaker 1 Flames. Fire.
I fall out of the tractor. There's no way out.
I watch as a huge timber-framed thing falls down from the farm's rafters onto the farmer. He's dead, but so am I.

Speaker 1 I lay there, inhaling smoke, knowing what's going to happen. And

Speaker 1 I'm back in the museum.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? I hate this disease. All right, let's continue, shall we?

Speaker 1 I'm caught between these two, but I think I'm gonna go with this one. The life cycle of a butterfly.
Egg.

Speaker 1 Caterpillar.

Speaker 1 Cocoon.

Speaker 1 Butterfly.

Speaker 1 I make it come back. It's gotta come back.

Speaker 1 Eggs.

Speaker 1 When? When

Speaker 1 I was a sophomore in college, I lived with some roommates in an apartment and I lived very cheaply.

Speaker 1 And my favorite thing to do was to get ground beef that was like just about to expire because they mark that shit down. They'd basically give it away.

Speaker 1 When I was younger, I didn't understand the idea that stuff could spoil even if it was frozen.

Speaker 1 So what I, I would, a lot of the times I'd get the almost, you know, almost out-of-date ground meat and I would freeze it. I'd be like, good, perfect, frozen in time.

Speaker 1 I still have exactly, you know, I have two days left before it expires. And just one time I did that and I like forgot about it.

Speaker 1 You know, sometimes you just find stuff like way in the back underneath. I found this pack of ground meat and I could not remember when it was from.
It was all freezer-burned, real messed up.

Speaker 1 And I was like, sweet, it's frozen. Can't possibly have gone bad.
I got a big road trip tomorrow. So I need a good dinner tonight.

Speaker 1 And they'll wake up bright and early and I'll drive over, see my buddies in Indiana at Purdue University.

Speaker 1 And so I made myself some delicious spaghetti bolognese with this ground meat. And as I was cooking it, I had a little bit of a thought where I was like, hmm, smells different.

Speaker 1 It doesn't smell bad, but it smells different. That's weird.

Speaker 1 But that's not going to stop me from enjoying my cheap dinner. And then I was eating it and I was like, hmm, tastes different.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 I ate the whole thing because I needed some delicious, hearty dinner for my big road trip in the morning.

Speaker 1 And woke up the next morning bright and early at like, I don't know, 10 o'clock, whatever was early for me when I was in college and hopped in my car and started on my way.

Speaker 1 It was like a few hour drive from Cincinnati over to where my buddies were at school. And I started, you know, had some tunes on in the car, whatever, cruising on the highway.

Speaker 1 And if you've ever done that drive, there's fucking nothing in Indiana. Like there's huge stretches where it's cornfields and nothing.

Speaker 1 No gas stations, no bush, like nothing, like flat fields and a road, which is kind of nice, not a huge deal.

Speaker 1 Unless when you're right in the middle of one of the most desolate stretches of the drive, you start to get a little flippity-floppity action going on in your lower stomach regions.

Speaker 1 I don't know if you guys have ever had

Speaker 1 body shakingly violent diarrhea, but have you ever, have you ever experienced the start of that?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm sure we all have. You know, you're just sitting there and just something inside of you is just kind of like,

Speaker 1 and you just start to get that feeling, right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, yeah.
And I was trying to listen to my body. I was trying to let it tell me what it needed and be a responsible caretaker, but there was nothing.

Speaker 1 I swear to God, there weren't even exit ramps. It was a straight highway for hundreds of miles that you could not get off of for any reason.
I couldn't find a gas station.

Speaker 1 And I'm sitting here, time is passing, half an hour passes. The flip-flops in my stomach are getting more aggressive.
It's feeling like it's wanting to go somewhere, right? It wants out.

Speaker 1 And I just can't find a gas. I can't find a gas station or anything.
A rest stop, nothing. Beads of sweat start forming on my forehead.

Speaker 1 Finally, after I would say about an hour of not finding any place where I could stop, I pull off. I go.
There's a little small town not far from the highway and they have a gas station.

Speaker 1 And I'm like, yes. Fuck yes.
Made it. And it's one of those, I don't know if you guys have ever had this experience, where, and I didn't realize this until I was already inside.

Speaker 1 The gas station's like around back. It's like an exterior door to the building, you know? And they have like a key.
You have to get the key from the guy at the gas station and then go.

Speaker 1 So it's the least convenient type of bathroom. So I go in and I'm frantically in this store, in this gas station, just like, where is it? Where is it? Where is it? I don't see one.

Speaker 1 I go up to the guy and I'm like, do you have a bathroom? And he must think I'm out of my mind on drugs or something.

Speaker 1 I don't know what he thinks because I'm drenched in sweat, panicked, clenching, just, I don't look good, I imagine. And he's like, yeah, we got a bath.
You need the key. Here's the key.
You okay?

Speaker 1 And I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fine. Just give me the key.

Speaker 1 Take the key, scramble out around to the back. And this is where stuff really goes downhill.
I'm fumbling with the key. This is where? It's been a great story so far.
Happiness and joy.

Speaker 1 Everything is contained up to this point. But at this moment, I'm approaching the toilet.
I'm almost there. The pain in my stomach is just really intense.

Speaker 1 I get the door open, I get it closed behind myself, and I start like frantically grasping at my belt and everything.

Speaker 1 And there's, there's an almost beautiful, almost enjoyable moment of release that happens right then.

Speaker 1 My pants are still fully on, and I'm trying to undo everything and get get onto the bath, the toilet. And it feels just, it feels joyous, right?

Speaker 1 Because finally, the pain is is subsiding finally i get to do what i've been wanting to do for an hour and it's really it's relief until i realize that i'm standing in front of the door across the room from where the toilet is with my pants on and and it's bad

Speaker 1 the relief quickly turns into absolute horror and a realization that there's not enough one ply gas station bathroom toilet paper in the entire universe to fix the problem problem that I have now created for myself.

Speaker 1 That

Speaker 1 turns out, I want to get this podcast like banned from, I don't know, platforms. What happened to that bathroom has got to be the most unholy shit that I have ever been a part of.

Speaker 1 I don't even want to describe it, but like, I had to give the key back to that guy.

Speaker 1 Like, he's the only one working, right? It's a small town gas station.

Speaker 1 I had to walk up to that dude after having been in the bathroom for 45 45 minutes because there was, I had to, there was cleaning that was attempted.

Speaker 1 I had to get myself situated so I could be in public.

Speaker 1 I left my underwear. They were gone.
I never saw those boxers again. They were sacrificed.

Speaker 1 And I had to walk up to that dude after being in the bathroom. And he knew I was in the bathroom because he gave me the key.

Speaker 1 And I'm sure he was sitting there just like, man, I hope that dude's not doing some crazy shit in our bathroom. I hope he's not doing like drugs or something terrible.
God.

Speaker 1 And I just walked up to him on the way out and literally looked him in the eye and gave him the key and just sort of nodded. Couldn't bring myself to say anything and fucking drove off.
Wow.

Speaker 1 I would love to know that reaction that that guy had. I can't imagine.
All right. Anyway, Bob, how would you give, what should I do?

Speaker 1 So you've just got your order. You're sitting in the mobile, whatever, the spot where you wait, where they bring you the wrong food, because that shit never works quite right.

Speaker 1 You always get the wrong something, or they don't give you the sauce for your nuggets or whatever. It's always disappointing when you get delegated to those spots.

Speaker 1 What you do is you move to a normal parking spot so you're not inconveniencing the next people who are going to have to use that spot.

Speaker 1 Go to the trunk of your car and you get out the Ronald McDonald costume and clown makeup that you keep.

Speaker 1 tucked around the side of the spare tire in the well of the trunk of your car and you get fully made up as Ronald McDonald. The face makeup, you do the whole thing, you get the wig, all the stuff.

Speaker 1 And then you just march confidently into the store and you walk up, you cut in front of anyone who might be in line, you walk up to the cashier and you say, I need to speak with your manager.

Speaker 1 This is a clown inspection.

Speaker 1 And then when they get the manager and the manager comes up and they're like, no, I, the regional, I know Dave, he's the regional manager.

Speaker 1 I don't, and you say, whose clown name is on this clown restaurant? This is an inspection.

Speaker 1 And you force your way back into the kitchen and you find the meekest looking teenager who's working there so that you know that they'll listen to you. And you single them out and you go, you!

Speaker 1 Show me how you make chocolate milkshakes! And they go, uh,

Speaker 1 we're out of chocolate actually right now. And you say, well, then you better drink some more! Rebel wants a chunky shake! And you scream at them until they make a new batch of chocolate milkshakes.

Speaker 1 You go through all this, and once they do it, you get,

Speaker 1 you're not trying to ruin this one individual employee's day. So, they do it, and you're like, Good job!

Speaker 1 And you give them like a star on their name tag or something, whatever they do at McDonald's, and then you just storm out with your big clown shoes, go back to the trunk of your car, wipe the makeup off, put your regular clothes back on, go back inside and order your chocolate shake.

Speaker 1 Cause now they have a whole batch of chocolate shakes, and you get what you want. They got a little reality check from the clown himself, and nobody gets hurt.
Sir, this is a Wendy's.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, it's really very specific. Okay, you go back to your car and you get the Wendy wig and the blue.

Speaker 1 Here we go.

Speaker 1 I didn't hear these before.

Speaker 1 I can't help but feel like that's a little bit more challenging than the cow.

Speaker 1 Why does he get cow and I get Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs? No, you know what that was? That was Tyler six minutes into a hard laugh. You're right.

Speaker 1 Girl, I'll play it again because. Please.

Speaker 1 This is a real animal. This is a real animal.
I want to qualify. These are all animals, okay? I also think it kind of sounds like a donkey who forgot how donkeys are supposed to sound.
Is it weird?

Speaker 1 My first thing I thought was Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs. Is that what the second half is? Mark starts falling down the stairs.

Speaker 1 I'll hold your impressions because there's going to be another point on the board. I want you guys to understand, neither of you got what it was, but it's a camel.
Oh.

Speaker 1 There's a lot of stairs in camel land. God, this one's tough.
If I really go over this, I feel like this is going to physically hurt me. You both just did it together.
You both.

Speaker 1 Yeah? Is that it? Did that do it? That felt good.

Speaker 1 Did it? I don't think it looked. It didn't look like it felt good.
Oh, no, it actually felt better than I thought it would. Next article.

Speaker 1 There's nothing about this article, really, but I wanted you to hear the title. Florida Senate Race.
Randolph Bracey slams sister for running against him in Orange county like

Speaker 1 purpley like they fucked or like

Speaker 1 that's it okay randolph bracey huh slam's sister for running against him what's her name lacey bracey

Speaker 1 i don't know i didn't read the article i'm just looking at the title what was his name rudolph randolph randolph randolph There's nothing else about it. It's the slams.

Speaker 1 Are you focusing on the names or anything else in the title? I've actually got a local citizen here. Sir, what was your name? Uh,

Speaker 1 I go by St. Nicholas.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Old Rudolph Bracey. I was actually going to have him lead my sleigh tonight,

Speaker 1 but he told me just before we were about to take off.

Speaker 1 He's running for senate, apparently. And he's on the naughty list.
So that's... That's not likely.

Speaker 1 Not likely. His sister, though.

Speaker 1 I'd slam her. Oh.

Speaker 1 All right. Anyway, Santa Claus, everybody.
Thanks so much for the interview, sir. Yeah, Santa Claus lives in Florida.
He retired to Florida. That's where he spended the offseason.
Did I do it right?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you sure did.

Speaker 1 I call for one more coin toss. No more topics.
And if I win the coin toss, I will at least give you that this is a fair episode. All right, okay.

Speaker 1 If I lose an eighth coin toss in a row, I'm not sure what's gonna happen. I gotta be honest.
I don't know.

Speaker 1 I will allow you to pick the method by which I flip where I flip what I pick it up with. I would like you to do what you've basically been doing.

Speaker 1 Start with your hand, with it on top of your hand in camera, and just do like a thumb flippy like you've been doing. Okay.
And just have it land on the desk. Okay, on the desk.
And then just...

Speaker 1 Just tell the honest to God truth what it comes up as. I will move my monitors out of the way and I will point my camera at it without touching it.
Okay, okay, okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I'm gonna flip it in camera. It's gonna go straight up.
I'm sticking with heads. Sticking with heads.
Heads,

Speaker 1 I've never lost with heads. Are we ready? Three, two.

Speaker 1 Fucking get away!

Speaker 1 Eight points to nothing.

Speaker 1 Mark, you might just need to call this before he comes back. He's really mad.
No, it can land the other way.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Wade, call it.
Scared. Oh, let's go heads.

Speaker 1 Okay, it's not cursed for you.

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's fruit snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusions.

Speaker 1 It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future. Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installing solar panels to provide a sustainable future.

Speaker 1 Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast. Pretty awesome consequences, if you ask me.

Speaker 1 New Welch's fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors in one juicy bite.
One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.

Speaker 1 It's an unbelievable taste sensation, so they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned.
New Welch's Fusions, please use responsibly.

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by McAfee. We all spend a lot of time online, obviously.
Yeah, we basically don't leave the internet ever. Gaming, shopping, working, living, breathing.

Speaker 1 Oh well, whatever you do online, you can keep it safe with McAfee. That's award-winning protections with secure VPN, scam detector, antivirus comprehensive identity, theft protection, and more.

Speaker 1 Plans started just $39.99 for your first year. Find out more at McAfee.com/slash distractible.
Cancel anytime, terms apply.

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. It's that exciting time of year when big sales are on, and I forget who I am and what I'm doing.

Speaker 1 I don't know what happens to my brain on Black Friday and Cyber Monday. Stuff pops up, the numbers go down, and Monkey Brain takes over, and I gotta have it.

Speaker 1 Well, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitor your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings.

Speaker 1 Rocket Money has saved users over $2.5 billion, including over $880 million in canceled subscriptions alone.

Speaker 1 Their 10 million members save up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money.

Speaker 1 Go to rocketmoney.com/slash distractible today. That's rocketmoney.com/slash distractible.

Speaker 1 What you do is you don't leave, you're still gonna eat, you're already at the restaurant, and like it's it would take so long to get somewhere.

Speaker 1 It's not like you're gonna save time going somewhere else.

Speaker 1 But if you want to speed up, you go out, step out, excuse yourself, go out to the car, grab your eight-ball of cocaine that you keep in the car purely for planting evidence purposes.

Speaker 1 Go back inside, ask an employee where the bathroom is and look kind of lost, and wander your way back to the employee locker room.

Speaker 1 You noticed the name on the waiter's name tag before all of this started. So find the locker that has their name on it.
Stick that in there. Go back to your table.
Get the manager's attention.

Speaker 1 Let them know that you saw some white powder substance or something on a waiter's nose and you have some concerns, they're behaving erratically, whatever. Cops will be there in 10 minutes.

Speaker 1 You'll get a new waiter. Service will be impeccable.

Speaker 1 The manager will see to it that you get everything you want so that you don't do anything crazy and talk about their coked up waiter who wouldn't bring you your drinks and appetizers.

Speaker 1 I got another option. Mine involves, okay, in this universe, you're close personal friends with Vin Diesel.

Speaker 1 You call Vin, you tell him you're at a restaurant where they claim that when you're here, you're family. And then he gets outraged for you.

Speaker 1 And Vin Diesel comes into the olive garden and just starts shouting at everyone. It's about family.
And then they're all like, Vin Diesel, and your service is actually way worse.

Speaker 1 But Vin Diesel's there. All right, it is an option.

Speaker 1 All right, what you do is you reach into the novelty pumpkin Halloween candy container that you use as a purse, and you pull out cans of spaghettios that you always carry with you, just in case.

Speaker 1 And and then it's since it's italian food nobody notices and you just eat cold spaghettios right out of the can because you're family i thought you're

Speaker 1 all right okay

Speaker 1 all right this olive garden is on the moon you're inside where nobody has spacesuits on you look at your waiter when you finally get her attention and you say hey excuse me i think one of our party is outside trying to find the entrance Would you mind peeking out the door and letting them know how to enter the restaurant?

Speaker 1 And without thinking, they go to the door and crack it open to peek out, but they don't have a spacesuit on. And they get sucked out into space and they freeze to death on the surface of the moon.

Speaker 1 And then you get spaghetti from someone else. All right, well done.
I think that's pretty good. Does any of that solve your problem? All of them solve it.
All of them solve it. Problem solved forever.

Speaker 1 I can't believe you did an entire episode about Olive Garden. All right, we got some more, Bob.
Hang on, let's go back. You're in the peach in the Claymation movie, James and the Giant Peach.

Speaker 1 You're You're the spider. James is the waiter.

Speaker 1 What you do is you kill him. That's it.

Speaker 1 Before we get any further into this, can I just say,

Speaker 1 I have bad news. Huh? Why? Can you see how wet my pants are, Mark?

Speaker 1 Can you see how wet they are? Oh, you know what's an even better illustration than my pants being wet?

Speaker 2 Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Look at the chair. Look at the wetness

Speaker 1 on the edge of the chair. It's wet.
I could not live with another episode of this. I couldn't do it.

Speaker 2 It's already cold.

Speaker 1 I enforce the piss pants rule. Do you need a moment to clean up? No,

Speaker 1 I'm not cleaning anything.

Speaker 1 My punishment is that I will continue to sit here and do whatever needs to be done to move on. Is it on your floor? Like, do you need to wipe up your chair?

Speaker 1 It's on the chair, but it's not on the floor. You know, maybe a little pet cleaner might be a good idea.
I don't know. It wouldn't hurt to do just a little bit.

Speaker 1 This is like an everyman's way to emotionally manipulate your kid into not eating too much candy.

Speaker 1 It's a company called Candy Uncle.

Speaker 1 And the entire service is based around the idea that you tell a kid if you eat more than one piece of candy, something bad will happen. Keep it vague.

Speaker 1 The thing that's bad that happens, though, is turns out Uncle Jeremiah, who just randomly appeared shortly after the birth of whatever kid. Right.
Uncle Jeremiah's around a lot, stays over a lot.

Speaker 1 When you create the situation where you tempt the kid into eating too many candies, Uncle Jeremiah mysteriously dies.

Speaker 1 That's the bad thing. You just rent Uncle Jeremiah from Candy Uncle.
He hangs around a little. They can make the rounds, right? Uncles aren't always there.

Speaker 1 A candy uncle can serve upwards of eight to ten families all at the same time as long as they're in the same region yeah candy uncles just drive from house to house spend a little time bring some you know small gifts trinkets toys whatever kid stuff yeah and then at the appropriate time you just make sure you schedule it with your candy uncle they're around the kid eats the the extra pieces of candy and uncle jeremiah uh bites it lesson lesson learned simple clean great business model you know actually that's so fantastic because number one one, it's just genius.

Speaker 1 And number two, they don't know that things are directly correlated one to the other, but they'll assume it is, you know, because they've always heard that something bad will happen if they eat too much candy and then Uncle Candy Candy Uncle dies suddenly and tragically and violently, I hope.

Speaker 1 No, yeah, it's gross. It's very graphic.
It's a lot like what you described, right? But you come upon the kid and you're like, wait, wait. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Did you eat an extra piece of candy?

Speaker 2 And they're like, I don't know, man, man.

Speaker 1 And you're like, come with me. And you bring them into the room, the staged room, with the candy uncle.
There's blood, vomiting things. Like, they're super graphic.
Super moist death. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 I was assuming that it was like, you know, they ate the piece of candy. You're like, oh, how could you?

Speaker 1 I hope nothing bad happens. And then the next day they get a call.
What? No. To shreds, you say.

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 and then it's a closed casket funeral. Very sad.

Speaker 1 It costs costs more to have a fully dressed candy uncle death live in-house. Yeah, that's more subtle.
But that's the different levels of service that you can offer, right? You can have

Speaker 1 a distant candy uncle. The kid gets to know them, establish the connection, and then dies over on the phone.
You can have, dies in front of them.

Speaker 1 You can have, as the kid swallows the piece of candy, violent, traumatic death. Like the kid is swallowing the candy, uncle walks into the room, boom, chandelier.

Speaker 1 Direct correlation. Like as the chocolate is melting and running down their throat they're swallowed the kid is like god that's good yeah dead uncle

Speaker 1 that's a strong message but that's harder to organize it costs a bit more yeah

Speaker 1 you're at an aquarium having a lovely time best time look at all the fish oh the jellyfish exhibit it's all dark in here you see them oh they're glowing so cool walking through all right Then you hear ting, ting, ting, tink.

Speaker 1 Well, that's an odd sound. Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting.
It's getting louder. Ting, ting, tink.
You look behind you. There's someone.
Could be a little kid.

Speaker 1 Just tink, ting, ting, ting, tink on the glass everywhere. Every single dipping.
Ding, tink, tink, and all the glass. That's illegal by itself, probably.
How do I solve this? Even more illegally.

Speaker 1 Obviously, you were going to the aquarium, so you slung Maui's magical

Speaker 1 fish hook on your back before you headed out the door. It's not made of metal and it looks decorative.

Speaker 1 So when you're entering the aquarium and you walk through the metal detectors, everyone's cool with it. They think you're just goofing around.
The little shit behind you starts knocking on the glass.

Speaker 1 You take Maui's fish hook off your back, turn around, transform into top half shark, bottom half legs. So you can still stand there.
Look at him with your weird shark face and go, yes?

Speaker 1 And the kid is like, what? What? And you say, you knocked, right?

Speaker 1 And the kid goes, what?

Speaker 1 And then you bite his fucking hand off. And before you turn back into a human, you swallow his hand and you say, don't fucking knock on my fucking glass.

Speaker 1 And then you just turn back into a human and walk away. Kid will remember that lesson for the rest of their life.
I feel like this is a thing I just either have never heard of or don't use.

Speaker 1 This is where I'm at right now. I'd be shocked.
You've, yeah, you've heard of this. You've heard of it.
You've probably seen it used more recently than you think. Chapstick? It is.

Speaker 1 And I put some on while you were going out. How the actual fuck is is chapstick related to lotion or sunscreen? Those are liquids.
Well,

Speaker 1 I could see it being related to that. Also, how is that not a container full of chapstick?

Speaker 1 You completely got me off of anything that was like lotion or deodorant or chapstick when you said it wasn't a plastic container filled with something. Did he ask that question? Yes!

Speaker 1 I asked if it was a container and his answer was, oh, not really. I don't think of it like that.
No, the primary part of it is not a container. The primary part of chapstick is the chapstick.

Speaker 1 It is a container filled with a material. We've all, I don't know.
I went through it. Mark and I went through it.
We did the best we could with that, man. I didn't hear that question.

Speaker 1 I didn't hear that one. I feel like the container one totally shut off the realm of a bottle of lotion.

Speaker 1 It was a tough question to, like, you can see how it was a tough question to answer. It's not.
No, I don't, actually.

Speaker 1 If you asked me if chapstick is a container, I would say yes. It has a container.
Because it has a lid.

Speaker 1 I think my answer was it's not primarily a container because the primary part of chapstick is the stuff you use. No, you said that about something else.

Speaker 1 Specifically, I wrote down that you said, I, no, kind of. I don't think of it as a container.
I don't. I mean, it is a.
It is specifically a plastic tube containing the chapstick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I get that. I get that.
Or a thing of lip balm in a little container, which, by the way, could be made of metal, but that one's not that strong of an argument.

Speaker 1 Okay, you know, I wasn't thinking of the little handheld lip balm. That was a fair item, but I do feel like a couple of those questions really fucked me.
They were tough to answer for my defense.

Speaker 1 They were tough to answer. Bob, uh, funerals.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, let me just stretch the anger out a little bit.

Speaker 1 Don't even get me started on funerals. Did I not give you enough while you were alive?

Speaker 1 Did you not take enough of my precious time while you could reciprocate anything?

Speaker 1 Let's not even get into whether you did or did not ever say thank you for the countless hours of my life I gave to you.

Speaker 1 Grandma, coming to visit, spending the holidays with you, eating the food you made for me to make me eat. It's awful.
Don't get me started on funerals. Like, those people need any more attention.

Speaker 1 Only the most narcissistic, selfish, unbelievably self-centered people would possibly think that what they need after they have left their family mourning and just torn apart is a party for them.

Speaker 1 That's who's important at that moment in time. That's what everyone wants.
And

Speaker 1 open casket funerals? Please.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, I'm gonna die. And then I want you to dress me up real nice.
And I want you to do my makeup.

Speaker 1 And I want you to pretend, stuff my cheeks with cotton balls, pretend like they're not all sunken in, and then come look at me and talk to me like I'm there. Yeah, that's fair.

Speaker 1 That's fair to everyone. I need that.
In the afterlife, I'll really enjoy that. I'll drink it up like a delicious salve on my soul.
That's fair. That's good.
Miss you, Grandma.

Speaker 1 Oh, man.

Speaker 1 Having been to like a hundred funerals, you know what, Bob? That was spot on.

Speaker 1 Spot on. I think you're selfish bastards.
Unbelievable behavior going on over here. So one of the the episodes of all time of distractible was Bob's fridge.

Speaker 1 So we can't do a whole episode on it because this is one-man show. We have other stuff to do.
So I need you to do a super fast retelling of Bob's fridge, but without using any verbs.

Speaker 1 Do I get a script or a synopsis or anything? No, no, no, you get it. You get to have lived it and retell it from memory.
Yeah, but no verbs. And what do you think, Mark?

Speaker 1 We should put like one minute on the clock for him. Oh, you can have more than one minute.
We can give him it's a long story.

Speaker 1 You know, we'll we'll just give him like if he runs on too long, like it shouldn't last longer than three minutes, but we'll give him some time. No, Verbs is gonna be hard, but I think I can do it.

Speaker 1 Maybe you got it. Oh, hey, we're here to yeah.
Oh, hang on. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 Right now, oh, never mind. I'll got it.
Yep.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 oh,

Speaker 1 fridge,

Speaker 1 two guys, front door, me, the

Speaker 1 one guy.

Speaker 1 Oh no, no, thank you. Oh, then we got

Speaker 1 a side yard, you guys, fridge, yeah, yeah, perfect, and then the bush

Speaker 1 inside,

Speaker 1 the bush, The bush. The fridge? The bush.

Speaker 1 Oh, what's that? Oh no. Oh, good.
Oh, your water shut off. No, no.

Speaker 1 It's a noun. You're right, you're right, you're right.
Okay, I got it. Okay, you're good.

Speaker 1 A new house? I don't know. It should be water shut off.

Speaker 1 Make this here.

Speaker 1 Sorry, Bush

Speaker 1 Did I that part? Yeah, anyway, I don't think that's how you do fridge house

Speaker 1 right

Speaker 1 thinks of herb, isn't it? I think not when I do it. Um

Speaker 1 Fridge. That is beautiful.
Oh, man. I don't remember what...
Not that much actually happened. I was just so mad.
I kept talking about it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, it's amazing what verbs will do to pad time out. That was

Speaker 1 good.

Speaker 1 This episode is brought to you by Mento's Gum. Keep things fresh, it's important, right? And I'm not just talking about fresh breath.
It's important to switch up your routine whenever you can.

Speaker 1 I just, I'm the person who can't help but chew. You put a little bit of a mint in your mouth, you're supposed to suck on it.
I'm like,

Speaker 1 swallow. So I kind of need gum.
You turn into a cartoon dog. I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 Next time we hang out, I'm giving you a mint just to see what happens.

Speaker 1 And of course, another way to refresh every day is with Mento's Gum, available in a range of fresh flavors like spearmint, freshmint, and strawberry. Mento's gum, yes, to fresh.

Speaker 1 Don't you want that, Max? Cooper loves that chew too. Oh, now he's into Cooper's food.
Wow, he is loving it. What do you feed Cooper? Blue Buffalo life protection formula.
He never leaves a crumb.

Speaker 1 I love it because it's made with high-quality protein, nutrient-rich fruits and veggies, and wholesome whole grains. Looks like we're switching to blue.

Speaker 1 Blue Buffalo foods are made with the superior ingredients your dog needs to thrive. Can your dog food say that? Visit feedbluefood.com to learn more.

Speaker 1 You are going to explain how to boil an egg. Mommy says I'm not allowed to use the stove.
I boil an egg

Speaker 1 by getting an egg out of the fridge and putting it in a plastic bowl. And then I fill the bowl with water.
And then if you microwave that for like 11 minutes, it's boiled.

Speaker 1 Wow, Bob is

Speaker 1 better at this game than I ever could have imagined.

Speaker 1 All right,

Speaker 1 that was a very generous. That was like a lob first serve.
There's so much old you can go from there.

Speaker 1 I'm scared.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 Bob, older. Back in Nam, what we used to do is you didn't have fire.

Speaker 1 You had bamboo everywhere. You chop down the driest bamboo you could find.
You get a little fire going.

Speaker 1 You take your hat, your helmet, because it's metal, right? And you put that over the fire. You put your eggs in there.
And we didn't have clean water. So you filled it with piss.

Speaker 1 And you boiled your eggs in piss. That's what happened in Nom.

Speaker 1 You sound like some kind of Jack Nicholson.

Speaker 1 I don't fucking know, man. How do you

Speaker 1 Vietnam War better and talk about boiling piss eggs? I don't know.

Speaker 1 A great play. I immediately understood your age.
Fantastic. All right, Bob, what's your play? You know, I ate boiled eggs outside of the Appomattox courthouse when Ulysses S.

Speaker 1 Grant surrendered to the blue coats.

Speaker 1 And I didn't know what for cooking, but I saw the women folk take them eggs over to the fire, toss them in a pot of boiling water, then pluck them out one by one, what with their bare fingers.

Speaker 1 That was the tastiest spoiled egg I ever ate in my life. Tasted like victory.

Speaker 1 It's a lot of vigor for a Civil War vet, but... Wait, Civil War vet? No.

Speaker 1 Is that not Ulysses S. Grant surrendered at Appomattox? Is that not? No, you're right.
I'm just thinking of how old a Civil War vet would be right now. Very old.
All right, okay.

Speaker 1 All right, Bob, what you got? Setting. Early 20th century, like 19 teens.
We're inside a newly discovered and recently opened pyramid.

Speaker 1 I'm a young doctoral candidate who studies ancient languages, and I'm excitedly calling my professor over. Doctor, Dr.
Winthrop, look, doctor, look! I think I've broken this one.

Speaker 1 This right here, this, these symbols, I think, mean egg of a chicken.

Speaker 1 This is the symbol for

Speaker 1 a vessel. And it appears to be filled with water.
I think water.

Speaker 1 Wine is different. This is water.
A vessel filled with water. And the chicken's egg into the vessel.
And then this, this over here, this is a great fire.

Speaker 1 They put the vessel with the egg and the water over the great fire. What could this mean? Doctor! Oh, what did the Egyptians know that we don't?

Speaker 1 And that is the world's oldest recipe for boiling an egg. Incredible.
Wow, astounding. I have an idea.
Okay, I have an idea. Are we ready? Yes.

Speaker 1 There's a fire and there's water boiling in the snowpot.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, oh. Wow.

Speaker 1 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. It's been approximately seven minutes.
Yeah, full time to boil an egg.

Speaker 1 Neanderthals were approximately on the earth something like 300, 400,000 years ago. I could see advanced.

Speaker 1 I'm on the hill. Boy, it's dark.
Switch the sunglasses. A meteor.
Say a prayer. Get naked.
Butthole sun. Feeling great.
Celebration beans. Mm.
Mmm, fellow. Oh, wait, you know what?

Speaker 1 My friend Mark, he's kind of crazy. I call Mark.
I'm like, Mark, Metor, what is it? And he's like,

Speaker 1 nothing happens. I keep.

Speaker 1 I keep making beans.

Speaker 1 And I start, and I pull on myself a little bit. I'm like, wait, the White House.
I call the White House. I was like, hey, what's the problem with it?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, me here.

Speaker 1 Nothing happens. I'm like, wait, bro.

Speaker 1 Airplane's lost. They're going to

Speaker 1 play an affleck. And I'm like, hey, we're going to fly

Speaker 1 right now.

Speaker 1 I'm not a spaceman. I'm a blood athletic.

Speaker 1 It's my job.

Speaker 1 I called the rock home and went down the hill to the launch pad where the shuttle is ready to take me up and meet the meteor in space.

Speaker 1 I'll give you a point. I'm on the hill.

Speaker 2 Dark.

Speaker 1 Sunglasses. Meteor.
Prayer. Naked.
Butthole. Beans time.
Hey the beans. Beans don't work.
Oh, Mark. Mark.
Meteor. Oh, nothing happened.
Oh, White House. Hey, meteor.
Nothing happened.

Speaker 1 AJ Frost.

Speaker 1 Meteor. Well, Villain Athletic.
We got one out of hell.

Speaker 1 Very facial.

Speaker 1 Nothing hallowed! Well the chainsaw! Go to the chain!

Speaker 1 Nothing hallowed! More wing!

Speaker 1 More wings!

Speaker 1 More wings!

Speaker 1 Whoa!

Speaker 1 I don't know anything. Oh my god, how did I just get spit on my glasses? What is happening? What are your thoughts on mining? Yep.

Speaker 1 Analyzing. It's irrelevant to our everyday

Speaker 1 What? It's a random topic. Don't even get me started on mining.
You know who mines? Miners. You know what miners talk like? Yo, cinnamon and gravy.
Oh,

Speaker 1 Gus chickens? Could you live with that? I grew up in a town of miners. Every fucking adult talked like that.
Could you imagine that life?

Speaker 1 You know how hard it was for me to learn how to talk normally like a human person like this? Don't even get me started. And the clothes.

Speaker 1 It's the 21st century and miners still dress like it's 1863 and no one has invented clothing in the last...

Speaker 1 Look, it's not even about that. I just wish my dad had been around.
Yes, he needed to provide for his family. Yes, mining is a job.

Speaker 1 No, earning money at the company store is not the same as living the American dream. It was a hellhole, and we were all trapped together.
The mine was

Speaker 1 supposed to be your way out, but it turns out work will not set you free.

Speaker 1 Work will just keep you in the mine while your son's at basketball practice, wondering if his dad's gonna see him make a free throw this weekend. Spoilers, he's not!

Speaker 1 The mine took my father, the mine took all six of my brothers, and the mine took my life away from me, even though it didn't kill me because I escaped by sheer luck and happenstance.

Speaker 1 A grifter picked me up on the side of the state road as I was wandering away from my father's funeral. Don't even get me started on funerals.

Speaker 1 And he happened to drop me off in the beautiful land of opportunity that is Cincinnati, Ohio. I made me who I is.
And now

Speaker 1 I almost slipped back into minor speak. Don't you let me do it.

Speaker 1 If I talk like that ever again, I want you to slap me in the face and drive a pickaxe through my heart because I don't want any part of me to remember what mining is or what mining does to people or ever of how many brothers I said I have.

Speaker 1 Six, I think it was. Why are we digging holes in the ground in 2017? What's the point? I'd be more worried about lighters if I were you.
Thank you. I want to hear more about that story.

Speaker 1 That's just, I'm captivated by that life. My dad didn't even dig in the mines, he was the canary.

Speaker 1 Watch new episodes on Spotify.