Best of Wade: Part 1 (Compilation)

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Speaker 1 On Facebook, a little connection goes a long way, especially the night before Thanksgiving. Facebook is the only way I keep track of like a lot of my family members.

Speaker 1 Around the holidays, we're all like nostalgic and remembering like the time that we could all fit under one roof.

Speaker 1 And so we all reach out like, oh, have these stories and such, which is actually really, really nice. But you know what's even better than that? Things.

Speaker 1 Facebook Marketplace is my favorite.

Speaker 1 But it's even more fun when I have to go visit my stupid parents around the holidays and I can pull up Facebook Marketplace and see what's for sale around their house.

Speaker 1 I caught up with a friend I hadn't talked to. Would you buy? Few moments of their time.
You had to pay for that? Ha, lane. Let's reconnect this holiday season with Facebook.

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Speaker 2 It's time for Best of Wade,

Speaker 2 Part One.

Speaker 2 And I'm bugged.

Speaker 2 I don't know why I did that.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, is that Guru Stefan, Guru Harold's bald cousin? I don't know what happened to me there. I was possessed.
I'm haunted. Man, get ready for that to be quoted for a very long time.

Speaker 2 And I'm bugged.

Speaker 2 I'm going to make that a notification sound on my phone.

Speaker 2 What was your title, Wade?

Speaker 2 Rocka-bye? Rock-a-bye, Bobby. Oh, that sounds sweet.
That sounds calming. Yeah.
Already, that sounds calmer than what Mark had going on. Well,

Speaker 2 so my thought process is: if you're an infant, like, what are you going to really remember from this talk other than maybe like some sing-songy little lullaby? So I wrote you a little lullaby.

Speaker 2 Oh, beautiful. Oh, wow.
That hopefully will stick with you for life. Oh, okay.
All right. So I'm just going to sing it to you.
You ready for some cringe, everyone out there? Oh, do it.

Speaker 2 Rock-a-bye, Bobby, on the tree top.

Speaker 2 Mommy is dead, but you still have pop.

Speaker 2 Now that she's gone, the money go by.

Speaker 2 So sleep, little Bobby, so Papa can cry.

Speaker 2 And when you wake, Pa will still be sad.

Speaker 2 So grow up and deal, cause that's life with dear dad.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 That's your first life lesson.

Speaker 2 I'll take my L, Bob. I'll take my L.

Speaker 2 I had so little expectations coming into this. That fucking

Speaker 1 I did not see that coming.

Speaker 2 Do I need to repeat what the game we're playing is?

Speaker 1 I pretty much got it, I think.

Speaker 2 I'll get all the questions correct, and Wade will make all the noises, and it'll be a tie. All right, it may be difficult.
It may be difficult. All right, hold on.

Speaker 2 Is the whole thing one animal?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, that's goats. That's what goats sound like.
I got that one.

Speaker 2 Is it goat? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. I have to do an impression now.
Is that right? You could also abstain if you don't want to hurt the voice or anything. All right.

Speaker 2 I think Wade gets it for the horrified scream and the discrepancy between the two. It truly is.

Speaker 2 I can't even do it. He did great.
Okay, so what's the, we have to describe this as if we are old or as an old person would?

Speaker 1 No, you're getting older.

Speaker 2 so each one of you would have to explain it older than the other one you are going to explain how to boil an egg uh turn on the stove set your pot there uh oh forgot water uh uh go fill it with water at the sink put it back on the stove uh you wait for the bubbles put in your egg wait till whatever google tells you to wait for off the heat take it out dump your water and i'll wait for your egg to cool what was that our age i figured talking about google maybe like, you know, 20s.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no, that works. I think that works.
Wade older.

Speaker 2 And what we used to do is gather some sticks,

Speaker 2 put them together, and

Speaker 2 you have to light them.

Speaker 2 You get some little leaves and stuff, you light them. And you get your kettle and you put it on top of there.

Speaker 2 Make sure you take it down to the creek and get some water.

Speaker 2 The egg is in there, and the water's hot. Yeah, you can eat it.
Was that old?

Speaker 2 He handed an egg to Jesus himself,

Speaker 2 and I swear he touched it, he handed it back, the shell came off, and it was jelly-like. So I ate it.

Speaker 2 Jesus made that egg so good.

Speaker 2 Somehow it got seasonings inside the egg.

Speaker 2 I guess.

Speaker 2 I don't know what the fuck that thing is, but let's make its youth edible.

Speaker 2 In many different ways, I suppose they could try frying. Ooh, ooh, that spring looks kind of warm.
I wonder if you put one in there. Yes.
And then you could... Ah! They could boil it, too!

Speaker 2 Oh, God, and they're hideous naked. They spill up some clothes.
Man, God was not who I thought he was. VPN signup skyrocket in face of porn bans in

Speaker 2 specifically red states.

Speaker 2 If you didn't know, hypocrisy abound. Porn very bad, but the states that are banning it are seeing unprecedented levels of VPNs accessing porn to this day.
Discuss.

Speaker 2 Apparently, it's gone beyond people now.

Speaker 1 Hmm?

Speaker 2 What? It's gone into like air and water bending because we have the red sea and blue sky. It's getting crazy out there.
Not just red and blue states.

Speaker 2 Did I just miss five minutes of conversation? Or back to you in the studio, Bob.

Speaker 2 How are you going to throw it back to yourself in the studio? I met Wade. Oh, thanks, Bob.

Speaker 2 I, George Wade Barnes, just want to come out staunchly in favor of porn bands, but also staunchly in favor of VPNs.

Speaker 2 If they knew who you were and what you were watching, they would be able to determine people that might be gay, but not out in the openly gay. I said that terribly.
I said that horribly.

Speaker 2 But it would allow government institutions or companies to identify people's sexual orientation based on what they watch.

Speaker 2 And, you know, that by itself isn't bad, but depending on the people who have that information and have certain opinions about others sexual orientation or otherwise could be very extremely excessively bad.

Speaker 2 So like the the the bad sides are pretty bad. The good sides are limited.

Speaker 2 Wade in the field. How you feeling that hurricane? It's real blowy.

Speaker 2 It's real bad. Thankfully it's all straight out here.

Speaker 2 There's none of that gay wind blowing around.

Speaker 2 Not sure what transition you wanted with the hurricane, but so what did you get?

Speaker 2 That is one hell of a data point for them to suss out on your personal internet record. I'll tell you what.

Speaker 2 The personality analysis algorithms are gonna be confused.

Speaker 2 We did say there's none of the gay wind. I don't know how do we interpret this.
Do we get him? Do we not get him? I don't know. Why is it Oscar the crowd?

Speaker 2 Why are you a Muppet character?

Speaker 2 Oh, my god. Brestley will get him! Oh, Elmo needs to know his next move.
Elmo needs to know right now.

Speaker 2 Back to you in the studio. Good.
Well, great reporting. That's why you won those awards.
All right, Wade.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Pets.

Speaker 2 Honestly, don't get me started on pets. Pets are a bigger responsibility than anyone would have you know.
Pets, they're cute, they're cuddly, they're fun, sure.

Speaker 2 But nobody wants to talk about what pets actually need. Money for vet bills, leaky anal glands.

Speaker 2 You got to take them to the vet once every month or two and have someone stick their fingers up their ass to release their anal glands. Because apparently that's a fucking thing they don't teach you.

Speaker 2 Oh, I want to give you the puppy. No, you fucking don't.
You're going to gel up your fingers and shove it up to Fido's ass. Well, someone has to because anal glands get clogged.
It's disgusting.

Speaker 2 Oh, and then they get older. We outlive our pets.
That's really sad. It sucks losing pets.
Been there, done that. They don't train you for that shit either.

Speaker 2 But when they get old, it's not all cute, cuddly, fun games. No, I'm learning that cats stop using the litter box and they shit on the floor and they drag their ass.

Speaker 2 They go outside, they eat grass, they come inside. And guess what? Oh, grass, I thought it feels so good.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, I vomited. That makes me need to shit too for some reason.

Speaker 2 Let me just leave all of that right by the couch where you sit, so your feet can either be in the nice, nasty, icky or on the lovely cleaning solution you put down. Just got a new rug.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy, no, Mark yet! I better go mark that! Hike, piss, blah, blah, all over the goddamn place. Oh, I don't want to eat the food you got today, father.

Speaker 2 Oh, this canned food, it isn't what I happen to want. I don't want those treats today.
I want what you want. All that steak that you've been cooking looks great.

Speaker 2 You had to look away to crack open a drink?

Speaker 2 Fucking mine! Get your own food now, dad!

Speaker 2 Okay, guess I'll just fucking starve. What good do you give me? Some cuddles, some cute moments, but all of the shit.

Speaker 2 Don't get me started. Guy, you really went there, man.
I hope your pets don't listen to this podcast. Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna make them.

Speaker 2 This is what you play for them when you leave the house. Put them in their cage and play this episode on full volume.
Oh, yeah. Take out the blankets, just cold, hard to create with a TV monitor.

Speaker 2 And this that's pretty good. That's pretty good, man.

Speaker 2 Next up, Bob, you're first.

Speaker 2 I think I know this one, too. Oh, yes, the AR-15.

Speaker 2 What the fuck? What the hell? It's a.

Speaker 2 No, no, yeah.

Speaker 2 I think I know what that is.

Speaker 2 I think that's a...

Speaker 2 Is that a magpie? No, unfortunately, it's not. I think I still know what it is.
I think I just don't know what it's called because I can see. I can see this bad boy.
It's obviously the

Speaker 2 African hissing cockroach. A damn fine guess, but a damn wrong guess.
I think it is actually an African animal. I'll let Wade also chime in on this because here is this animal.

Speaker 2 And I am unsure if this is actually going to make the sound in the video. I can't see how, but here we go.

Speaker 2 Oh!

Speaker 2 Oh!

Speaker 2 It's clacking. I see it.
Yeah, I see it. I see it.
Damn, that's loud. That's so loud.
That's terrifying. This is a bird that has seen war and is mimicking war.
Oh, hold on.

Speaker 2 I gotta play it with my pan.

Speaker 2 It's so big. Can I vote we don't try to mimic that sound? Because I'll break my teeth.
Well, don't do that.

Speaker 2 My mouth hurts.

Speaker 2 If you feel like you have to, I can't stop you, but I don't suggest it. You play it one, play it one more time.
Yeah, yeah, I get you.

Speaker 2 I think that was closer. That was pretty good.
It had the right resonance to it. What's on your desk? That was my armrests.

Speaker 2 And also at one point, one of them fully just went down, even though it shouldn't, without pressing the button. So I'm a little concerned.
Yeah, well, they're probably designed to withstand that.

Speaker 2 Also, ow, my hands hurt.

Speaker 2 Better than your teeth. You can't handle the truth.
You can't handle my truth.

Speaker 2 you can't handle thigh truth you can't handle fried truth you can't handle fried ruth you can't handle deep fried ruth you bob can't handle deep fried ruth

Speaker 2 do i have to say my name there then yeah i think so you slob can't handle deep fried ruth you throb can't handle deep fried ruth you mob can't handle deep fried ruth

Speaker 2 you cob can't handle deep deep-fried Ruth.

Speaker 2 You,

Speaker 2 Rob, can't handle deep-fried Ruth. Didn't he just say didn't you say that? He said Throb.
He said Throb, I think. And we have said Bob, but Rob is different.
You, Nob, can't handle deep-fried Ruth.

Speaker 2 You, little Nob, can't handle deep-fried Ruth. You, widow knob, can't handle deep-fried Ruth.
You, widow fucking Nob can't handle deep-fried woof.

Speaker 2 You

Speaker 2 widow fucking

Speaker 2 Glob can't handle deep-fried roof. You widow fucking shit guob can't handle deep-fried woof

Speaker 2 You widow fucking shit guob can't handle deep fried paper roof

Speaker 2 You little fucking shit knob can't handle deep fried paper wrapped roof you widow fucking shit knob can't handle deep deep-fried

Speaker 2 papered

Speaker 2 sleuth

Speaker 2 paper-wrapped Ruth. Paper-wrapped!

Speaker 2 Also, I think there was some glob knob mixed up. I made it glob, he turned it back to knob, so I just went with it because you didn't call him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if I don't catch it, I don't think I can count it unless you do some kind of coin. I'm saving that for later.
I'm gonna need it. Oh, I do have one more article.
This is the most breaking news.

Speaker 2 This appeared just an hour ago. Elon Musk.

Speaker 2 Are you ready? Oh, wait, this is where this one goes. Appears to admit he's guilty of cheating in gaming scandal.
This might be the worst thing he's ever done in the last hour.

Speaker 2 My heart goes goes out to him

Speaker 2 i can't believe this has come out

Speaker 2 if he had just admitted to boosting in the first place no one would have given a shit but trying to claim it was his own work very unfortunate coming to you from one of the tier 15 maps and paths of exile where i've been dead for the last hour after not knowing how to play

Speaker 2 I'm coming to you live shackled in Elon's basement and I can tell you he's been throwing a tantrum all day.

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Speaker 2 I think that might be them knocking on the door and because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. To them or the FBI, I'm not 100%

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Speaker 2 Bob, I got a tough one for you. Okay.
If you can identify this sound, you could get a point.

Speaker 2 Oh, God. I want to say this is some kind of arachnid.
No, I'm going to go with cow. That is correct.
It was a cow. Hard to believe.
You get a point. All right, Wade.
All right. All right.
Here we go.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 2 Sorry, I smiggled again. I know it was a complete accident, guys.

Speaker 2 No, actually, Wade, I totally forgot there was some other thing I was going to do.

Speaker 2 Wade, is there any other thing that you think that animal could be that would be more convincing than the correct answer?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so after Tuesdays, whenever I usually do podcasts, stream, and then record, I sit in this chair for a long time.

Speaker 2 That's also the sound my knees make whenever I stand up after being here for 12 hours. That's incorrect.
You don't know that.

Speaker 2 You're right, I I don't. If you can record that sound and it sounds exactly like this recording,

Speaker 2 all right. Well, that was a tie because I think you both made the exact same sound, and I don't know who did it better.
My first one was clearly the best.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if Wade gets credit for his first one, doesn't that mean that I win? I have no idea. Was that? Should we count that? That was the official

Speaker 2 your ability to do a golem-esque cow is very impressive.

Speaker 2 Precious.

Speaker 2 Moo, precious.

Speaker 2 It's me, Smiggle.

Speaker 2 Hey, is that my ring?

Speaker 2 Where did you find that? What is potatoes, precious? Gollum, how do we get to Mordor? Well, take the 405. Follows me.

Speaker 2 If you reach the city of the damned, you've gone too far.

Speaker 2 Just go.

Speaker 2 All right, we're spinning.

Speaker 1 And you guys are going to... Ooh!

Speaker 2 Oh, God. Great, right off the bat.
This is the one I was most looking forward to.

Speaker 1 You're going to be getting more fanatical, formerly religious, but fanatical.

Speaker 2 As you explain, and Bob, you went first.

Speaker 1 So, Wade, you're now going. And give us a nice baseline to work with, Wade, of how does photosynthesis work? Just the basics.

Speaker 2 Well, as all things, it works through a little bit of prayer and belief. We look up and we are blessed with rays from above that come down and they hit the greenery on this beautiful planet.

Speaker 2 As the rays hit the plants, they're filled with God's love and they bloom.

Speaker 1 I've got to pause. I'm so sorry.
It has to start with a normal.

Speaker 2 It has to start normal and then get fanatical.

Speaker 1 So I love, I love the ambition, but it...

Speaker 2 What's a normal fanatical explanation of photosynthesis? No, not fanatical. Not fanatical at all.
0% fanatical. Okay, so I'm not doing any kind of thing to explain photosynthesis.
Yes.

Speaker 2 All right, fair fair enough.

Speaker 2 All right, well, heat and light hitting a plant are converted into energy via the process of photosynthesis inside of a plant, because the inside of plants are complex systems full of cells that require nutrients, including from the soil, from rain, so on and so forth.

Speaker 2 But light and heat are a very important source of energy, and the process of photosynthesis is simply the conversion of that energy into nutrients so that the plant can thrive.

Speaker 1 That's a very apt description. That's great.
That is pretty much what photosynthesis is without getting too into the weeds.

Speaker 2 Wait, a little more fanatical. My brothers and sisters, I alone speak to the plants.
I alone know what they have to say and what their needs are.

Speaker 2 And your generous donations are exactly what they need to get the process of photosynthesis started. Without you, the sun's rays will dim away.
I've heard it from the plants themselves.

Speaker 2 They speak, they whisper, they yell, they scream, they cry, they love. And they need your love right now.
So please, be generous. Your donations are the key to the survival of this planet.

Speaker 2 Every blade of grass, every tree, they all need you and your support. And I will speak on their behalf and on your behalf to them to make sure we can all live in harmony.
Amen.

Speaker 1 Amen. Amen.
Amen. Very, very good.

Speaker 2 It's too late. There's nothing we can do except for sacrifice ourselves to bring the plants back.
Our blood is the key for the soil to be nutrientized, to be dapiotized, to feel something again.

Speaker 2 Take the blades, take these cocktails, drink, and slit, and allow our blood to bring the plants and photosynthesis back. For the sun is not strong enough without the blood of you and I.

Speaker 1 Jesus God damn. Amen.
Did Wade die? I think he sacrificed himself.

Speaker 2 Oh, I get it. That's very fanatical.
I like my music like I like my weather.

Speaker 2 You need more lower lip bite if I'm going to believe that one.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, lower teeth need to bite lip.

Speaker 2 Man, that's going to be clipped forever.

Speaker 2 You know, that's going to be forever.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I remember back when we were at a village tavern and you had those supermodels coming out.

Speaker 2 My single face. I've not worn that in 12 years.

Speaker 2 My single face.

Speaker 2 Did it win?

Speaker 2 All right, I'm going to show you guys a picture before we get to the next one. Ooh, somebody was drunk.

Speaker 2 Someone driving the paint paint truck, just bouncing curb to curb as they go paint the lines on the road.

Speaker 2 Wade, please describe this picture for everyone who's just listening. Unfortunately, what we're looking at is a really messed up image of the corpse of an old road.

Speaker 2 You can see the chalk lines where they were drawing where the road had died, and they paved a new road right on top of it, but they redrew the chalk lines to make sure you could see where that old windy road died.

Speaker 2 What we're actually, actually looking at is some of the most brilliant McDonald's marketing of all time.

Speaker 2 If you see the M's and the yellow lines, they want you to drive down the road and know you're headed toward McDonald's breakfast. What the fuck is this and why is this?

Speaker 2 It's like the road was too quick to get down. It's like, well, we need to make the road longer.
What if we just make them curve around a little bit, make it take longer to get down the road?

Speaker 2 You got there eventually. Yes.
This is a speed measure. to try to get people to slow down in their driving.
Now, here's the thing. This is in, where is this in? This is Pennsylvania.

Speaker 2 And it's meant to zigzag because you can't, obviously, well, you totally can go fast doing this. I've got one of the local residents here who apparently has been experiencing other unforeseen issues.

Speaker 2 Drake Ulysses Law. Do you want to tell us what you've been seeing?

Speaker 2 It's actually pronounced track.

Speaker 2 The neighbors and I, one of the things we haven't noticed is that the paint prices have gone up dramatically since these roads have been paved in such a way.

Speaker 2 Wait, you said Pennsylvania, not Transylvania.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 man.

Speaker 2 You just actually

Speaker 2 think it was Transylvania for a while.

Speaker 2 Back to you. That's my line.
My bad. That's Drac.
Back to you in the studio. Dritten Drake, Ulysses.

Speaker 2 Love.

Speaker 2 That almost made me vomit.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to lie.

Speaker 2 Can't just unleash something like that.

Speaker 2 You weren't even laughing. You just jumped straight to vomit.
Oh, man. Right to vomit.

Speaker 2 Straight to vomit. When I said that name, did you guys have any idea what was coming up? No, I was so fucking confused.
That was the dumbest shit. Whoa, man.
Yeah, that might be. That might be.

Speaker 2 That might be your dumbest. Good, the vampire.

Speaker 2 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 Wade, how would you handle this situation? Well, I'd go into one of the bathrooms. I'd put my clown costume on.

Speaker 2 I'd walk up. Which clown? Which colour?

Speaker 2 What kind of clown? What kind of clown? Which clown? Oh, you know, like red hair, yellow.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay, okay. Hamburger.
I believe that's called hamburger. Classical hamburger clown.
I'd walk up to the person and I'd say, don't you know whose plane this is? And then they'd be, oh, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry,

Speaker 2 Mr. Our Clown.
And I'd go walk on the plane. I'd get some hair with some blood that I'd been saving in my basement.
And I'd put hair on each of the seats.

Speaker 2 But because there's blood, it becomes a biohazard. They have to get a hazmat team to come look at the plane.

Speaker 2 And in the meantime, I would probably go get like the longest range weapon I could find and shoot at the sky non-stop with it, hoping to kill God because this is his fault. Like, he did this to me.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 once he's gone and the plane is under hazmat and people can't take off, I feel like I vindicated myself. And I call a cab to go somewhere else, I guess, for vacation.
vacation.

Speaker 2 I'm still laughing and hoping to kill God.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Well, clearly he's ruined my fucking vacation. Like, who else are you going to blame? Don't shoot the messenger.

Speaker 2 Just wait standing out on a runway and just like,

Speaker 2 do the cartoon thing where it like zooms, scrolls up really fast. It's like,

Speaker 2 God is up in heaven, just like, ah!

Speaker 2 Oh, God. I didn't think I could get up here.
Does he say, oh, God, he's like, oh, me. Oh, me.
All right. So, I'm going to chuck it over to my ace reporters to replace me.

Speaker 2 Eventually, fighting for the top spot. A co-host, co-anchor here.

Speaker 2 Who wants to go first? Should I flip forward or do you guys kind of? I have a story. Go for it, shit man.

Speaker 2 Thankfully, I'm not the only professional here. There is somebody else who can deliver some of this news.
No pun intended.

Speaker 2 Let's go over to Olivia.

Speaker 2 It seems like the weather is going to be mostly sunny, partly cloudy. Chance of ring!

Speaker 2 Back to you!

Speaker 2 Thanks, Olivia. Olivia's in the studio today, despite actively giving birth.
That's right. News anchor Olivia Jackwith went ahead with a three-hour

Speaker 2 morning newscast while giving birth in the studio. Lots of weird chocolate-covered pickles being consumed in the studio today.

Speaker 2 I want you to win the one-man show

Speaker 2 so badly. Well, Well, this actually hosts an episode for that to happen.

Speaker 2 Wait, do you want coffee? Because that's what's up. Don't get me started on coffee.
I'm not a coffee drinker. People say they wake up.
They're like, oh, the smell of a fresh cup of coffee.

Speaker 2 People have their nasty yellowed coffee teeth. They have their nasty coffee breath.
One cup of coffee when I wake up gives me some energy to start my day.

Speaker 2 A month later, two cups of coffee gives me the energy to start my day. A couple months later, oh man, I've not had coffee in like two hours.
I'm starting to really wear down.

Speaker 2 I've only had two pots of fucking coffee today. Oh, I only need 18 forests of coffee to get through my week.
You weak fucking little bitches. I don't have any coffee.

Speaker 2 I don't have any goddamn energy drinks. I'm a fucking person who just learns to deal with it.
Jesus, fuck. Oh, I need my coffee.
No, you don't. You've made yourself need your coffee.

Speaker 2 You got yourself on this goddamn addiction to coffee.

Speaker 2 And what good has it done other than make you spend more money to get more coffee that doesn't quite get you that same high the first cup ever did it's like your goddamn cereal killer you got your first kill oh man i gotta do another one see if it gets me that same high no the coffee will never recapture that first moment of coffee glass you had it will never be as good and you smell bad it smells bad it tastes bad it takes up space i could have other good things in the store oh you know you work at a place that serves coffee you know what you do every 10 minutes you'll change the fucking coffee you throw away the nasty wrapper of coffee grounds you start another brew of coffee people come in i'll have my 50 cent cup of coffee.

Speaker 2 Actually, it's a dollar today, sir. The price went up.
Yeah, that's what fucking happens in the world. Prices go up.
And I'm sorry, you're grumpy. You didn't have your cigarette and your coffee.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, it's not my problem. Get over it.
Go ahead and get me started on coffee. Okay, huh?

Speaker 2 And you smell bad. You smell bad, too.

Speaker 2 Damn, man.

Speaker 2 First one. It's a lot of pee, man.

Speaker 2 Sorry, it's a lot of pea. Man has no idea who is putting gallons of urine in his recycling recycling bin

Speaker 2 gallons it's a lot of pea how does he know it's gallons is it in containers yeah the first account from our reporter in the field wade here so i was interviewing uh the a neighbor uh by the name of bill bill do you want to tell us your story yeah hi man just wanted to let you know

Speaker 2 recycling here uh it ain't free we can't all afford recycling but the water supply it's been a bit rough it's hard to get water so i was talking to some of the other folk and we decided well we make liquid right?

Speaker 2 And they can probably recycle it, make something good out of it. So I went around with my bucket.
I started collecting your we put it in some nice sealed containers and we put it in Mr. Duen's bucket.

Speaker 2 And we're like, oh, they'll come collect the bigger bucket because they'll recycle it. I mean, it's liquid.
Why can't you recycle liquid if you can start wood and cardboard and plastic and all that?

Speaker 2 So we're just trying to do some good for the community. Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Whatever Your Name was.
Bill. Yes, Mr.
Bill.

Speaker 2 Back to you.

Speaker 2 Thank you to Wade, Reporter Wade, reporting from Portland. Where water is a problem.
Yep, and people talk like that.

Speaker 2 Wade, feeling paranoid? No, man.

Speaker 2 An atom is pretty simple. You have the nucleus, which is like the command center made up of protons and electrons and so on and so forth.
And cameras,

Speaker 2 microphones and such so that the nucleus always kind of knows what's going on. And the way you know what kind of atom you have is how many things are kind of floating around watching things.

Speaker 2 Basically it, you you know? Oh, all right. Yeah, that basically is it.

Speaker 1 Any deeper levels, apparently.

Speaker 2 Get it off me!

Speaker 2 Get it off!

Speaker 1 All right, okay, all right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Bob, I'm afraid that unless you got something deeper in you, it's gonna be hard.

Speaker 2 I need knee pads for these kind of shows, man.

Speaker 2 See, he's dying because he knows the truth. Oh, fuck.
Oh, now there's liquid in my lungs and my ears. Thanks, man.

Speaker 1 Don't chew on that, Max. Cooper loves that chew too.
Oh, now he's into Cooper's food. Wow, he is loving it.
What do you feed Cooper? Blue Buffalo life protection formula. He never leaves a crumb.

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A moment where seemingly minor changes could be the first signs of larger issues.

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Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 2 I didn't hear these before.

Speaker 2 I can't help but feel like that's a little bit more challenging than the cow.

Speaker 2 Why does he get cow and I get Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs? No, you know what that was? That was Tyler six minutes into a hard laugh.

Speaker 2 Girl, I'll play it again because. Please.

Speaker 2 This is a real animal. I want to qualify.
These are all animals, okay?

Speaker 2 This is the European jackrabbit pony. It sounds like a motorcycle, and whenever you ride it around, you have to tilt its ear a little bit to make sure you're getting the full speed.

Speaker 2 That is a pretty good guess. But unfortunately, that is not correct.
Bob, what was your guess?

Speaker 2 My first guess was this is Tyler six minutes into a really good laugh. I also think it kind of sounds like a donkey who forgot how donkeys are supposed to sound.
Is it weird?

Speaker 2 My first thing I thought was Mark stubbing his toe while falling down a flight of stairs. Is that what the second half is? Mark starts falling down the stairs.

Speaker 2 I'll hold your impressions because there's going to be another point on the board. I want you guys to understand: neither of you got what it was, but it's a camel.

Speaker 2 Oh, there's a lot of stairs in camel land.

Speaker 2 That's what I hear, man. Idaho governor signs bill criminalizing public breast breast exposure and truck nuts.
Ooh. When they came for our breasts, I said nothing.

Speaker 2 And when they came for our truck nuts, because I've only had a truck for a little bit now, but I'm assuming I will get that in the mail at some point. They'll send me my truck nuts.
Yeah, definitely.

Speaker 2 I have an interview here with one of the local Idaho residents.

Speaker 2 What's your name, sir? Mr. Potato Head.

Speaker 2 Mr. Hen, can you tell us what's been going on? It's been terrible.
My little spuds have seen things they shouldn't be seeing anywhere and everywhere.

Speaker 2 There are boobs out, balls out, all kinds of things. It's been incredibly painful, especially for me and my wife.
We've had to keep our eyes peeled to see the things going on around here.

Speaker 2 Did you just say peeled because it was a pun? No.

Speaker 2 You heard it here first. They've had to keep their eyes peeled to make sure that their little spuds aren't seeing the terrible things going on in Idaho.
Back to you in the studio. Thank you.

Speaker 2 For those who were just listening, they didn't see Wades waddle out of the film. I'm a master of impressions.
Pick a number one through five. Four.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's an

Speaker 2 Australian mini antelope. I'm going to look that animal up.
If that's not real, I'm going to deduct a point from you. How dare you make up animals here? I hope it's a real animal.

Speaker 2 It came up as an animal,

Speaker 2 thank you.

Speaker 2 What? Adorable mini antelope. Wait, wait, what the fuck? Were you right? There is no native species of antelope in Australia.

Speaker 2 However, there have been instances of non-native antelopes being introduced to certain regions. Yeah, just like the camels and other things.

Speaker 2 Was that the right noise? It's not the right answer. No, this one is much less inspiring.
This is simply a

Speaker 2 lemur.

Speaker 2 Dude, I literally guessed lemur like three guesses ago.

Speaker 2 Why are lemurs less inspiring? You're so cool.

Speaker 2 It looks a little bit like this is the lemur who became the joker in the lemur universe.

Speaker 2 I don't know why his lipstick is so bold, but it's a lot. Yeah, for those who are listening only,

Speaker 2 this

Speaker 2 lemur is just.

Speaker 2 Do you want to know how I got these scars?

Speaker 2 It's just truly, it's truly beautiful. All right, who can imitate that?

Speaker 2 Man, that was

Speaker 2 so close. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Houston, we have a problem. Houston, we have a big problem.

Speaker 2 Houston, we have a big space problem.

Speaker 2 Houston, we have a big race problem.

Speaker 2 Houston, we have a big grace problem. Houston, we have a big lace problem.
Houston, we have a big mace problem.

Speaker 2 Houston, we have a big trace problem. Houston, we have a big trace elements problem.

Speaker 2 Houston, we have a pig trace elements problem.

Speaker 2 Houston, we have a rig trace elements problem.

Speaker 2 Houston, we have a fig trace elements problem.

Speaker 2 Houston, we have a fig Newton trace elements problem. Houston, we have a fig juice Newton trace elements problem.
Wait, wait, that can't be right.

Speaker 2 The singer, she does Angel of the Morning, which is the opener to Deadpool. I could have sworn, did he add two words that time? No, he just added a really weird word.

Speaker 2 Okay, all right, okay, all right, okay, I'll let it slide. Houston,

Speaker 2 we have a fig juice box Newton trace element problem. Houston, bro, we have a fig juice box Newton trace elements problem

Speaker 2 Houston, bro, fucking we have a big fig juice box Newton trace elements problem Houston little bro fucking we have a big

Speaker 2 juice box Newton trace elements problem. No, sorry.
It's a big fig. Why didn't you catch it when Bob said big?

Speaker 2 No, you needed big and fig. You just said big.

Speaker 2 I thought we changed big to fig. Did we? Am I wrong? Bob, am I wrong? I thought it was fig, Newton, Juice.
Fig, juice, box, Newton. Yeah, I think it was just fig.
I'll take the L. Give it to me.

Speaker 2 I think you added one because you said Houston. Little bro.
Little bro. Fucking, we have a big juice box Newton L trace elements.

Speaker 2 whatever the fuck I don't know give me the L I'll take the L god damn it I'm sure I fucked up

Speaker 2 we thought you were trying to earn zero points on the whole episode I know whenever I'm beat and this one is beating my ass anyway police find naked man in Lowe's display shed with Vaseline and a phone I feel like we all understand what's happening there we sure do we sure do we got Wade who's on the scene with them

Speaker 2 in the shed an exclusive scoop. Yes, so this was a really difficult interview to get.
This was a very slippery interview. This guy kept getting out of my fingers despite how hard I tried to grasp him.

Speaker 2 Tell us exactly what was going on.

Speaker 2 Hi, mom.

Speaker 2 I see. And can you tell us more?

Speaker 2 It does appear drugs are involved mark all right drugs are involved i see so we're not so different after all he slipped away again the only way to find him there is a greasy set of footprints uh just so you know authorities have been all over it but this has been a slippery suspect i'm not gonna give you any points for the puns if if that was you actually acting for that laugh in the middle as him

Speaker 2 that actually would have that's incredible incredible acting i'm gonna give you all credit for that. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Watch new episodes on Spotify.