Munch Madness X: Wendy's VS In-N-Out Burger with Jon Gabrus and Betsy Sodaro

This is a head gun podcast.

Hey, buddy, you can purchase the video replay of today's Munch Madness 10 finale, including the exclusive pre-show and post-show only at moment.co/slash Doughboys.

Enjoy the championship.

Previously on Doughboys.

Let's count down from three.

We'll count down from three to one

and show it who we think

should win, who is moving on to the live Munch Madness finale in three,

two, one,

in and out burger.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Wow.

In and out, Burger.

Three to one.

Advancing.

Taco Bell double eliminated.

Both Taco Bells are out of the Tremaine Tournament Champions.

Taco Bell will not be the winner.

I heard there was an old commish that never would pass up a dish And when he ate he'd tell you hallechu ya

His shirt had crumbs and mustard stains The bill would come and he'd abstain Munch madness not the same oh hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

hallelujah

I met a stranger near the bog he dropped his pants I sucked his hog he shot his wad and I said hey I blew ya.

Then I saw his big green dick.

The gator got me with his trick.

But isn't this about susser?

Right, hallelujah,

hallelujah,

hallelujah,

gator blew ya,

hallelujah.

We're not giving up.

And neither should you.

March 2016, the first ever Doughboys Tournament of Champions, Munch Madness, Burger Brawl, concludes with Golden State Institution In-N-Out Burger besting then-upstart New York City Export Shake Shack in a bun-on-bun battle.

March 2017, the Tournament of Champions establish itself as an annual tradition and Munch Madness chicken fight ends with a pivotal battle in which Columbus, Ohio's own Wendy's defeats the pre-chicken sandwich pride of New Orleans Popeyes.

Then, we do seven more of these.

But none of them ended up mattering, whether the winner was given to the Cetabites to convert them to Catholicism or force-fed to Austin Butler to shake him out of characters Elvis slash fade Ralpha Harkidon.

Because as the tournament of tournament of champions of champions reaches its climax after witnessing the shocking ejection of both Taco Bell seeds, it's those first two winners who are the last chain standing.

Will In-N-Out Burger be in and prove that it really is what a hamburger is all about?

Or be out and relegated to regional curiosity?

Will the house that Dave Thomas built once again hoist its namesake prize, the most prestigious trophy in chain restaurant podcasting, the Dave Thomas Cup?

Or will the Cinderella story end with a little red-headed girl losing her glass slippers?

Both chains were founded by Christian conservatives and are beloved by Christian conservatives, namely me and Mitch.

Well, they'd better hope Almighty God is on their side tonight.

The winner will be given to the first organism who dared to emerge from the sea to stride upon land and inspire them to return to the sea and create an underwater utopia, transmuting earth into mirth.

The loser won't have that happen.

One of these restaurants will become the only canonical reheat chompion.

This is for all the Doughboys.

There's only one word that can possibly convey the gravity of this moment.

Wow!

This week on Doughboys, live from Headgum, the finale of Munch Madness 10, MMX, the tournament of tournament of chompions of chompions, Tot Cock, In-N-Out Burger, Wendy's, ring the damn bell.

Wow, welcome to Doughboys, the podcast about chain restaurants.

I'm Tiger Weiger, along with my co-host, Heaven Susser,

the Spoon Man Mike Mitchell.

Wow.

That's beautiful.

A touching toast from Danny Roast at BirdFuck.com.

Mitch, this is the finale of Munch Madness 10, MMX, the Tournament of Champions of Champions, Tot Cock.

Tot Cock.

Wow.

It's the final.

Oh my God, Wages, we're here.

Is the last one ever?

Maybe.

This might be the last one ever.

Last Munch Madness we do 10 years.

Who cares?

We don't have to do it again.

This is certainly the most consequential Munch Madness in history because this will be the only reheat champion.

Chompion, rather.

I'm sorry.

Come on, let me take that again.

Reheat chompion.

Emily's the second tip.

This is live.

This is live.

It's live, Lags.

Put your top hat on.

Oh, right.

I got to put my top hat on.

How's everybody tried?

I'm not buying your tonic, sir.

I don't care how big it makes my cock.

Not big.

It's pretty big.

A couple quick bits bits of business.

If you're having audio issues and you're using Apple AirPlay, try turning that off.

So that's fixed things for some people.

Also, right after the main show ends, we are doing a reverse call-in post-show on the same stream.

So that's right.

Stick around.

We're calling you.

Text this number that's on screen with your name and a one-sentence question.

And we're going to call you back later tonight, possibly.

So stick around for that.

Also, Casey.

Yes, Wikes, announce it.

Give us an update on your Kickstarter.

We blew past our goal.

Wow.

We are pushing $53,000.

Wow,

making the movie.

Thank you for responding.

Thank you so much.

Oh, the URL makes sense now.

Hell yeah.

If you need some big fat slobs to be in.

You're pretty good at that.

If you need Mitch's dick to appear smaller in a scene, I could stunt Flobs.

I've done it for him with multiple sexual parties.

I know you're a huge horror fan.

I don't know if you've seen any of the test footage that Casey shot for horror.

You'll love it.

Yeah, you'll love it.

It's a yellow-inspired horror film.

It's got a great aesthetic.

It's shooting on video.

It looks rats.

Congratulations, Casey.

Richly deserved it.

Thank you.

CaseyMakesMovies.com.

If anyone is eager to toss in some extra cash

even further.

Well, yes, 100%.

Sorry, I didn't mean to step on that.

Congrats, Casey.

Congrats, Casey.

Fantastic news.

Well deserved.

All of you guys and without all the Doughboys fans.

Thank you to the listeners.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

You know, when a show is on its last legs and it's like the idea of adding a poochie and we've added two poochies

for episode tag, we're bringing in two motion captured pandas.

Sure, check me.

We're snow and sand.

You should bounce out the guy who bores the other pilgrims.

You know what, man?

I do like taxation with representatives

all right bitch we got a lot of show to get to we should play your drop oh right that's right wages emma hit him oh that's right 10 years in all right

i was trying to say i asked

you ever playing in oh my god you're already on your wardrobe it is almost it's minion coded it's like a cool minion it's like a cool minion look when i talk to you again i will beat your ass in public

Bray's dressed exactly many I almost thought it was a joke.

Yes, you don't know where I grew up.

You don't know my story.

And how dare you say that?

I was going to do some of that too.

You punched at me.

I'm trying to wake you up, fool.

You got thrown off by the way.

No way.

Yeah, it's unhinged.

This is not good.

He hit Mary in the face.

Wow.

Well, do you want to hear it again?

No, we we've not listened to it again.

Look, here's the issue.

I didn't listen.

I wanted to be surprised for the show.

Yeah.

And I didn't listen to it, but then we had no way of hearing it.

No, it was on hand.

We definitely had a way.

Well, we had a way of doing it.

I was saying we had no way of hearing it.

If we weren't wearing headphones, we had no way of hearing it.

It makes such a great point.

Games in the chat.

I hope Conover doesn't need the room soon.

We can assure you, Adam Conover does not need the studio after us.

We have all the time we need.

We're not in the Conover clock for once.

Wrong.

Yeah, do you see those carpenters in here earlier raising the doorways to accommodate his hair?

It's in his contract.

So the contractors are the people who raise in the doorway, the only head gum employees here.

Also, why's he's awesome?

Hey, Nick's in a fucking tuxedo, and not one person from the office sticks a rat up.

Oh, it was empty empty when I arrived for death.

The only way to hear that was with headphones, but the issue is that they got the new Conover headphones, which have like a big

wire headphones.

They only accompany a huge pompadour.

It's for Conover and Max headroom only.

I think Guile from Street Fighter wears them too.

And kid or play, whichever one it was.

That's fucking racist.

Oh, look, it's been.

Oh, Jesus.

He's going to be in his head.

He's going to be in his head for the rest of the show.

I'll say something more racist than him shortly.

That was Christopher Kidd Reed.

He was on politically incorrect.

Yes.

Now my memory is.

Your brain is now shot.

You've shocked him into order.

It's been double trouble.

Oh, shout out the drop.

Jesus Christ.

Let me read the fucking drop.

We've got so much show to get to, Mitch.

Put your headphones on and read the drop.

Hi,

please enjoy this drop with love.

He says his full name.

I'm going to say it.

Ian Bauer.

Wow.

Thanks.

Great drop.

Jack Bauer's son.

You're not going to wear the hat the rest of the thing?

You look funny.

It's really uncomfortable.

Oh, yeah.

Like, Jemmy's in a top.

Did you try this on?

Did people notice that Jemmy's in a top?

I think people notice this top.

People notice that Jemmy's in a top.

We'll see it.

Yeah, Mitch put it on earlier, and I thought he was an ape bouncer.

People are saying in the chat.

He just has suspenders.

Suspenders and the little tiny top hat on Mitch's big head.

People in the chat are saying Mitch's mic is quiet.

I don't know if that's just your individual, you know, what you're dealing with on your individual stream, or if that's an actual thing.

So now I'm still quiet.

Well, thank you.

Maybe that mic is a little low.

You know, maybe we just figure out how to enjoy the next few hours without telling us shit like that.

Mitch, did you try this hat on?

I'll try the hat on.

It's really uncomfortable.

I gotta sink this in my mouth.

I'm barely getting any O2 in here with this bow tie here.

Let's see if we can toss this.

Wow, that was horrible.

This is like Benny and June.

Eggs, Benny, and I don't know.

This is like Benny and McCarl.

Benny and George, rather.

I was at

six layers wrong here.

Are you talking about the

Simpsons then of Mice and Man?

I'm walking back to you being the mayor of Dumpiesville.

It's been double trouble all much madness long, and that reaches its final form today.

John Gabris, Betsy Sedaro, our guests.

Wow.

Wow.

What a choosing.

My sister from another mister.

My brother from another mother.

Yeah.

We're actually step siblings.

You've said that enough times that we realize, oh, that's a real thing, and we're that.

Yeah.

That means we can fuck if it's on Pornhub.

Only.

She's only my

stepsister.

It's tacky in real life.

And it may be except on moment.co slash Doughboys.

I'm not sure.

We don't know.

Wax, I gotta, I asked for lactate.

Suss a mensch went out and grabbed me dairy aid.

Wait, I'm sorry.

Canonically dead Evan Susser grabbed you Dairy Aid.

Mitch, maybe you're seeing things.

You must have imagined some sort of maybe Amelia did it.

Amelia got it.

You were thinking of Susser.

Okay, so my Koshco joke is going to work either.

Yeah, well, you maybe should have shelved that one anyway.

We, okay, so.

Oh, there's some taking out of this already.

So

These are condoms

for fucking cows.

You don't want to get dairy aids.

This is a condom.

Who the fuck?

Who do you think I am?

John Holmes?

This is fucking gigantic.

I think you're supposed to put your balls in it, too.

I'm just kidding.

I haven't worn a condom in 20 years.

I don't even know what they're like anymore.

So,

they feel great.

Yeah.

You have one on now, right?

I have one on off.

I do.

Like people wear sunscreen, I put a condom on every day, just in case.

I want to talk movies real quick.

Finally.

We were talking Black Bag earlier.

You just got bagged.

Betsy, you've gotten bagged?

No, I hear it's great.

Oh my God.

I'll get bagged.

I'll get bagged.

Casey, you get bag it and tag it?

I'm probably going to get bagged this week.

Hell yeah.

Wow.

I promise you, you're going to get tagged after, bro.

You're it, bitch.

I really like black bag.

I wanted to get your thoughts, though, on something.

Mitch and I went to a rep screening at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Museum.

Incredible thing that you can go to in the city of LA that I try to take advantage of.

And

Mitch, Bong Joon-ho was there along with John Carpenter, and they had a pre-show conversation.

It was great.

It absolutely delivered.

And then just seeing that movie with an absolutely packed house with that energy in 4K was so fantastic.

Mitch, we met a couple of Doughboys fans there.

Yeah.

No way.

One was in the fucking mezzanine with a sniper right there.

Never mind.

John Carpenter was like,

they're trying to make an escape from New York

with a woman.

And he said, I think that's a bad idea.

And then I got up and I cheered.

He made the point in a cranky old man

way, but we got what he was saying, which is just that Hollywood Hollywood is just recycling old ideas and that the most obvious thing is like, oh, what if we inverted the gender?

Yeah, yeah.

So I got what he was saying, but he did say it in a way that was like, all right, dude.

Oh, I loved it.

I was on the blast.

It was time Hollywood made my movie, The White Clumps.

Shit, I mean,

if White Clumps comes out, I mean, I mean.

You'll audition for it.

You can't buy your way in like you did with Casey's movie.

You can audition for it.

It'd be awesome to hear I'm in the mix for white clumps.

You're in the mix.

Oh, sweet.

Oh, they offered it to Gad.

Gad took it.

He can sing.

So can Mitch.

You saw the pre-show.

This is my Olaf.

I'm sorry, I read that wrong.

This is my oath.

You have a script?

Yeah.

Yeah, Amelia handed me a 600-page final draft thing that I wanted.

I saw Gad's memoir

at my local bookstore, and I I just opened it up.

He's like, I'm just going to read the last page, see all this wrap stuff.

That's funny.

And it ends with, tell him Gad sent you.

Have you heard of Wendy's?

Wait, wait,

what do y'all think of the thing?

Because I love it, and it was incredible to see it on the big screen.

I'm obsessed with the movie.

I love that movie so much.

I got to see it on the big screen

at like an AMC.

Yeah.

No, at Arclight, when they used to do horror movies during October.

Yeah.

And it was so cool.

I haven't seen that one on the big screen.

I want to so cool.

Yeah.

I love that movie so much.

Here's some cooties look in that movie is just fucking ape shit.

I need a hat and a beard and glasses like that.

You're on your way.

I'm trying.

He looks fucking cool.

It was great seeing it in that.

I've seen it so many times that all the big jump scare moments weren't that big, but I'll tell you a jump scare moment I had

on the screen an advertisement for the 20-year anniversary of the 40-year-old virgin.

Yeah, awesome, man.

The 40-year-old virgin is 60.

He's 60 now.

The 60-year-old guy who only fucked once.

Appetite couldn't get that shit made now if he just.

His dick's got wrinkles, but it ain't from getting wet.

That gets the Yiki thumbs up.

Good morning, Nick.

You get it?

Me and Betsy went to see John Carpenter on Halloween, and we dressed up as Carpenter characters, and I dressed up as the dog guy from

Thing, whose name I forget.

And I made a little wolf puppet that had all its intestines and red strings together.

I dressed up as the fog.

It was awesome.

It was so fun.

I'm going.

He's playing again this year.

Let's go.

The 25th of October.

I already have taken it.

I'm coming.

Because his band.

With his son.

Yeah.

It's Coach.

That's awesome.

We had a great night, Wags.

I mean, the movie was awesome.

4K screening of it.

We went with

our buddy Jeff Dutton and Kelsey.

Had a great time.

Yeah,

and Bong Joo and Ho asked Carpenter on stage.

This is news online already, but he was like, will you be the composer for my next movie?

I'm making a horror movie.

And Carpenter said yes.

Maybe not composer.

Was that what it was?

Or were you scored?

I think he scores something.

I imagine what will actually happen in practice is he does like a theme.

I don't know if he's going to score his whole movie, but maybe he will.

I don't fucking know.

I don't know how fucking Connor Verr is here.

Actually,

I don't know.

I don't know.

I mean,

I'm just trying to think of like, is John Carpenter going to score an entire movie that comes out in three or four years?

I don't know.

John Carpenter, legendarily self-proclaimed lazy.

Yeah, yeah.

He's like one of my idols.

And

he's like one of those few directors that you want to hear talk.

You're like, because his attitude about, there's that famous poll quote that's going around about him.

He's like, how do you feel that your movies have reached cult status?

And his response, like, I guess it's better than being considered a piece of shit.

That is so funny.

I read it,

there was an interview with him in Fangoria a couple of years ago about his music.

Yeah.

And the interviewer was asking all these really detailed questions, and he kept just being like, I don't know.

I like to just make music.

And I was like, this dude's so cool.

The questions were like this long on the page, and his answers were that long.

He rules, man.

Yeah, he told us at one point that he was like, we got two minutes and 20 seconds left, which is good because I'm going to go meet my drug dealer.

That's what he literally said on stage.

It was a Saturday night.

There's a packed house watching his movie.

He's going to go home, get high, and try to platinum Assassin's Creed shadows.

He is a crazy gamer.

Exactly.

All he does is smoke weed, play video games, and make music with his kids.

Seems like a pretty decent thing.

Yeah, yeah, he's doing all right for himself.

Yeah.

It was a blast.

We should have.

I wish you guys could have come.

No, I think you invited me, but I couldn't.

We did invite you.

We did invite you.

Sorry, Betsy.

Sorry.

Maybe I wasn't looking at my phone.

I was skiing with Betsy.

Yeah.

Doing cocaine.

Yeah, we go skiing, man.

All right, Betsy, speaking of horror movies.

Yes.

Is this true that you loved the monkey?

Yeah, I saw it twice.

You saw the monkey twice.

I know one of those times you saw it with Gilly,

a recent guest on Doughboy's Double.

Did Gilly like the monkey?

She hated it.

Immediately she was like, why did you bring me?

And I was like, I thought you might laugh a little bit.

The kills are so fun and funny.

Yeah, that's four.

Four good moments.

I did like a lot of the kills.

I just felt like it's...

I don't know how to to say this better.

I felt like I was watching a porno that was just a compilation of cum shots.

Just like, you know what I mean?

Just like, like, there's no story here.

Compilations.

I was watching compilations.

There's no story here.

Like, I can't latch on to anything.

No rules.

Yeah.

And

yeah, I actually love rules in a horror movie.

Just at least a little bit to know, like.

And I was texting with Mitch about it, and I was like, I fully understand if somebody doesn't like this movie.

Right.

Yeah.

I was just, there were like the movie scary movie level jokes and stuff.

Yeah.

Which I just think is the lady running with the baby at the end who's on fire.

Yeah.

Funny, guys.

That's funny.

Yeah, I couldn't, we just could not get into it.

We were all sitting next to each other and we all were like doing bits about leaving.

Why do we start to jack off on the other end of the row?

Don't boys and action boys saw this.

The five of us all saw it together and then went to dinner after it.

It was actually.

With the five of us out, who was out getting pussy?

Those five fucking legends are sitting in the monkey.

Ladies can finally have a night off.

We had a lovely time.

It was a lot of fun, but I could not believe how locked in we all were to just despising the movie on the same level.

Did the chat like the monkey?

Let us know, everybody.

I'm curious.

With those guys.

The lady exploding as soon as she jumps into the pool.

That's funny.

I like the exploding lady.

I like the exploding lady.

I thought it was not of it was a less, and they're going to make a new one of these, by the way, but it was a not as good Final Destination.

Yeah.

I'm so stoked for Final Destination.

I'm hyped for Final Destination.

That's Tony Todd's last movie.

Watching all of them.

Wait, really?

Yeah, right?

I think so.

I think, unless he's.

I love.

Yeah, I feel like.

I'm just speaking out of Tumeria, maybe.

He texted me and said it was his last movie.

A lot of meh on the monkey.

Someone in the chat, MFP, Seth in the chat, loved monkey, hated long legs.

That's why.

Okay, I didn't like long legs either.

I liked long legs more than the monkey.

I liked long legs more than the monkey.

But I didn't care for either one.

But long legs, I was like, okay, maybe this isn't for me.

And monkey, I was like, man, I do not get this at all.

I know, I know.

Once again, I fully understand if people are like, no way, not for me.

But I had such a blast.

Betsy, I can relate to that so much because

I'll be like, what someone's like, what are you doing?

I'm like, I'm reading the best book of my life.

And they're like, what is it?

And I'm like,

you know what?

Don't even worry about it.

Don't even worry.

And they're like, wait, no, that's crazy.

I'm like, I don't, like, you're going to absolutely hate it the second I start explaining it.

I'm like, it's called Wind and Truth.

It's book five in the Stormlight Archive.

You know what?

You had me at book.

I was out at book.

I had to take off my I've taken my lactate.

I had to take off my bow tie-wise.

It was making me not breathe.

Okay, so now you can breathe totally well.

I should just be I should wear my CPAP throughout the day.

I've come to learn.

Go full Vader.

When I'm laying in bed and I have it on, I'm like, oh, like my brain is functioning in a better way.

Should I do a CPAP episode where I just wear the CPAP for the episode?

Yeah, yeah.

Sure, but let's paywall that one.

Oh, you'll figure it out.

Yeah, you did.

You did it, you see.

You did it.

You designed it.

Look, if you can figure out a CPAP that's also a microphone, you're going to make millions from podcasts.

Everybody can stay laying down for the day.

Why?

Because I have soup belly going on.

I might have to go to the bathroom again during this during the.

You just got kind of the bubble guts.

I mean, we've eaten like shit.

Rumblies?

Rumblies, yes, yes, because the rumblies.

You might inject me with my fat guy meds at the end of the podcast.

If one of you wants to.

Stick around for that.

That might be happening later.

It's an injection.

I'll gladly do it.

Do you think

your stomach feeling wild because of those?

It will.

That's also a part of it.

Yes.

Yeah, it sucks.

I mean, it's a combo.

I mean, also.

Would your doctor say, like, here, make sure you take your fat guy injection.

And also, have six or eight different fast food meals over the course of two days.

Yeah.

I'm just going to fix it with that.

Uh-oh.

My mic is really bad.

No, it's not.

They're just being annoying, so I'm putting it it close to your mouth so that's not.

All right, here we go.

It is now very close to my mouth,

arguably where it's supposed to be, and

you're like being weird about it.

We're all talking directly into the microphone.

Do people hear me better now?

Are they happy?

Don't ask them that.

Don't open it up to that.

Say, are you having a good time?

And we love it.

We love our listeners.

We love our listeners.

Yes.

I love listeners too.

I don't care about that.

I think I'm just having in the chat.

Yeah.

Who just watched this?

Why do you have to write to us?

Just kidding.

Let's talk Taco Bell.

Oh,

yes.

Wait, I don't know.

You guys.

Run to the board again.

Howling at the moon,

baby.

Taco Bell, guess what, guys?

We got news for you.

It's been retconned the Munch Madness 9

Taco Bell.

Doki Hero Taco Bell.

The other finale we were on.

That was right.

Last year's finale.

That was last year.

Last year's finale.

Holy shit.

It has been retconned.

The cheesy Gordita Crunch is now the winner.

Yes.

We re-litigated.

We re-litigated

during Fat Chance Kitchen on a Precious with Atlanta Johnson and the Knife.

We re-litigated the finale of last year.

I wanted to get the Spicy Potato Taco back in there.

I lost in a race to Mitch, and so it was not on the table.

So it was Beefy Five Layer Burridge, which won Cheesy Gordita Crunch and Doritos Locos Taco Supreme.

I think of those three, Cheesy Gordita Crunch had the best day.

But sometimes in the tournament champions, that's all that

was, I think it was a fair win.

Okay.

An earned win.

But I want to talk generally about Taco Bell.

First off, Taco Bell had two seeds in this tournament, double eliminated.

I know.

Once we knew we were going to be in the finale, I was kind of like, I can't believe.

It's actually very interesting for me and Betsy to be here on a non-Taco Bell.

Yes, well, we booked you, I think, assuming that it was going to be a Taco Bell, Taco Bell, mirror match.

Yeah.

And both Taco Bells got eliminated.

Can I tell you this?

We would have had to, of course, love to have you on either way.

Your roommate betrayed you.

I know.

She's out of the house.

I threw, I took her back.

Wilma has her bedroom.

Yeah, Wilma's taken over.

Wilma has Gilly now.

And Wilma's willing to split Netflix.

Finally.

Yeah, Gilly's out.

She's on the streets.

Wow.

Yeah.

I mean, it was.

It was dead to me, but that's from something else.

We don't have to get into those.

That's for our lawyers to sort out.

It was, it was a,

look, I was shocked that we thought, we thought we were headed for Taco Bell versus Taco Bell.

And I voted for Taco Bell twice.

Yeah, it's true.

You voted twice, huh?

Yeah, we need poll watchers.

I volunteered to be a double voice poll.

We're a red hat with 5-4.

I'm not talking about the actual election.

I voted zero times in that.

But for this,

I did vote twice.

uh and i voted for taco bell twice and i was shocked wise i thought we were gonna have a taco bell be taco bell uh finale and that is not what happened i have i gotta ask you guys this yes if if this is a three-way tournament would and you don't have to say who your winner is right now in fact don't please don't okay but would taco bell come out victorious against the other two tough i i would have had to have eaten it today as well i'm not gonna say i didn't also have taco bell right before we came out i ate both the competition meals and then O'Helia goes, there's also Taco Bell.

I'm like, O'Helia, you fucking disgusting.

Five minutes later, I'm just straight up eating Taco Bell.

Now I need a little palate cleanser.

I feel insane.

I brought a frosty in to like cool down.

I will say this.

I walked out and I knew you were here because

I smelled that you were here.

Yeah, I got a new cologne, man.

Sativa.

Me and Emma were both like, Gabris is here.

Emma came running out.

I thought you would want to hit.

And she was like, We're starting right now.

I was going to think about hitting it, and I was like, Maybe after.

Maybe I have seven hours of podcast engineering to fucking that tackle here.

All of a gold.

And Mitch doesn't know about how to be close to the microphone.

I could get close to the microphone.

And they don't even tell me about the fucking headphones.

I'm sitting here like a fucking chump.

I'm not giving you nothing.

For Eagle Eye viewers-wise, I wonder if they notice my different flannels.

I'm wearing my good flannel.

You changed flannels.

You swapped flannels since the pre-show.

Oh, that's why that twin bed had the sheet print on it when I was a social.

My bed sheets are flannel.

Cut two armholes and put it on.

Can we ask about a couple of recent Talkabelle items?

Sure.

Cantina chicken menu and crunch wrap sliders.

Your thoughts?

Have you either

either of them?

Well, I just got news for you.

The new cantina, the red one, bad.

I don't like it.

I haven't had that yet.

I don't like the sauce.

I've ordered it twice, and I think they kept forgetting to make it the red hot one.

Wait, just the regular one.

Yeah.

I love the sliders, dude.

I love the sliders.

I am the sliders are an egg.

Yeah.

And I want to put something in between, like make the sliders a buns of something.

Oh, that fucking thing.

I want to put something in between.

Okay, hold on.

Let me start this over.

Jay, Friday, get your head out of the gutter.

Sorry, it's there, sweetheart, now on Hulu.

Shout out the Leicester brothers on their film the gutter.

I really love the mini crunch wrap.

Yes, those are fucking awesome.

They're so good.

I was really pumped to see that announcement of the items that they're bringing back.

These fucking cock teases over at Yum Brands.

Yeah.

I can't wait.

I'm very excited for the Cool Ranch Shell to come back.

Bring it back for good.

What the fuck?

How fucking hard is that to just have around?

The thing is like indestructible.

Should we march in front of Taco?

Never mind.

I just realized what I was saying.

I want to walk back and forth.

We were already on strike, and I barely couldn't fucking do that shit either.

You want to walk Taco Bell

through the drive-thru and just keep ordering stuff?

That's the strike.

We're circling Taco Bell and just ordering stuff.

He gets at the end of the line.

I'm like, I'm going to do some of those Cinnabung poppers.

We should do this in the car.

Wages, I think that Taco Bell, I'm shocked what happened with it.

And I, look, Wages didn't,

when we were doing the,

what is it called?

What is the stupid fat chance kitchen?

No.

Fat chance.

Fat chance kitchen.

Wigs did not want to allow some of the stuff back in there, which gives me a big hmm.

Oh, I think there was a chance.

I think there was a way we could have had.

Did he have one of his big patented?

I think there was a way we could have figured out something to get back into the tournament.

But I think that the way we settled on it to do it as a third place match, I think, was.

You didn't want all the food included, and and that's also a hmm we did we did talk about varsovel i just think mcdonald's fries

are jersey mics mcdonald's fries you know there was a do you guys have meetings where you're like hey the patreon numbers are down mitch is like i'll just make a big stink about something arbitrarily i won't get the fans all riled up i'll just like dig my heels in about some dumb macro baby it is all macro

i say what the people want is me bickering every fucking step of the way i would say that this this this tournament you become a little bit of the captain well we'll talk about this later

we'll talk about this

what what are you talking about oh we're talking about it on the show later i mean okay but you were you're a little bit of i'm the captain now there's pulling a barcode opti i think you're pulling a barcode i do i did i think you were now this is a collaboration it's a collaboration with you and me the team we're all made we're all on this together yeah you're the captain now you pull the captain

now who cares yeah yeah see you just got to make some decisions i know i know that's fine it's fine

it's fine to do it we were buttonheads early on then i thought that i thought that i thought as the tournament went on i thought that it it was beautiful.

I thought it was great.

I also, Mitch, I will say, you know, I love Taco Bell.

I was not rooting against Taco Bell.

I thought a Taco Bell v.

Taco Bell would have been an incredible finale.

I thought we were headed towards it.

I am still, like,

I'm surprised the tournament turned out the way it did.

I voted against one of the finalists.

I voted for Handels over In-N-Out Burger.

You voted for In-N-Out Burger.

You're the reason In-N Out Burger is one of these in here.

What is in here?

What was your strength?

You didn't vote in the election.

You voted twice in this.

You changed your vote.

I voted in the election.

You're like the My Pillow Guy of Podcasts.

Said, crack would do you good.

Maybe it would clear things up.

Can I just say, I think the way.

I voted in the election for Trump.

The way this.

A lot of us did that because we live in California and we know.

Vote for the guy you believe in, who cares?

I'm just going to say, I think the way this tournament turned out is completely different than either of us would have predicted.

I think Wendy's, we both thought was going to be out in the first round versus Jersey Mike's.

It's here in the finale.

It's a true Cinderella story.

Yeah, and I just like the matchup Satan Aupberger had.

I'm surprised it won too, although it's obviously got a stronger reputation.

But this is not a.

Again, I'll say it.

I think everyone's back brackets are busted.

I don't think anyone was anticipating this.

It's a Cinderella story.

Yeah.

It is.

It is.

It is.

Wendy's coming up this far.

We did a chain rescue.

I like this.

I like Wendy's.

I like Wendy's.

I like Wendy's too.

My sisters used to work at the Wendy's.

I think

the Wendy's that I went to growing up was like the second most expensive Wendy's in the U.S.

because it was like a ski town Wendy's.

This is in Breckenridge, Colorado.

Yeah, yeah.

In Silverthorne.

Silverthorne, okay.

And Dave Thomas came one summer

and like hung out and like checked out the Wendy's.

Did he bring that busty ginger daughter of his around?

Well, he kept her.

Keep an eye on my daughter as I go takes the frosting machine.

She's holding her brain?

She's stuck under the coffee table.

She steps instead.

Why is a true Cinderella story?

Did your sisters like working?

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, they didn't mind.

Both of them still worked there 40 years later.

Yeah, they're still there.

Yeah, they didn't mind.

I never had a fast food job.

I always kind of wanted to, I always wanted.

I've never worked in food service.

I should have.

I worked in food service, but there was a McDonald's that was like skateboardable from our house.

And when I was like 13, and we would skate there all the time.

And I just wanted to, like,

it was just like, once I can work here, I can get like free burgers.

Yeah.

Like, my friends can skate over and see me at work.

It's just funny, you looking so much like Poochie and then telling a story about you skateboarding for burgers.

I was awful at skateboarding, and I did it for like three years.

It was mostly shoplifting skate videos from Brand's bicycle shop on Wanta Avenue.

I'd like to apologize.

I think I have like 11 videos

later over the course of it.

I had a skateboard for a very short period of time.

I was not very good at it either.

I was very bad.

I could rollerblade, and then

I got bigger.

I got bigger.

I'm a decent skier.

Yeah.

I know you're like a skier.

You're a good skier.

I'm pretty good.

Yeah, you're pretty damn good.

I went on Monday.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Yeah, to Mountain High, which is super close.

And the snow was truly melting.

Every run I would go down, more and more Brown would show up.

And I was like, all right.

Same with me.

Oh, you're talking about the mountain, huh?

Are there any, like, you know, I know Mammoth, obviously, I'm, I'm not a skier.

Nellie snowboards or has snowboarded in the past.

She does it less these days, but like, like, I'm very bad at those sorts of things.

I've tried skiing.

I've tried snowboarding.

It's just, there's enough of a skill barrier where I'm just like, I don't have the,

I don't feel like I want to learn this, but I, but I am curious, like, are there...

Are there ski resorts in the area that, like, as someone who grew up in a ski town, you know, sort of community,

that live up to your expectations?

Like, is there anything you can find in California with, I guess, a good powder, you would call it?

Yeah.

Where can you gnar up some fresh powder?

Why can't gnar up some pow pow up in Tahoe and Mammoth?

For sure.

Tahoe is great.

Yeah.

I've gotten to ski up there a couple of times and it's pretty rad.

I've never skied Mammoth and I really want to.

I would love to ski places like that.

I've never asked you.

No, let's ski trip every night.

I would fucking love to.

I don't like mammoth.

I don't like snow sports.

I don't like sports where you have to put on more things.

Yeah, I don't like that.

I like less things.

But I like,

I'm down for the cold.

Like I'm down for being indoors in a cold climate.

So, like, I'll hang in the steam.

Oh, I've got the opre life down.

I can handle that opre steam, no problem.

Yeah, I'll be drinking fucking hot cocoa spiked with Captain Morgan's.

I'm the captain now.

You guys come and stay in the uh, did Dave Thomas put his Wendy's on the line in like a ski competition when he was up there?

God, I wish.

That would be awesome.

We're going to knock down this Wendy's and turn it into a luxury resort.

Not if my redhead daughter does the bath bike.

She likes to zips up her snowsuit to like here.

She has the biggest pity.

I took a scuba diving brush-up course once.

I was in the French Polynesia, and this dude next to me was like six foot five, had like an insane six-pack.

He was absolutely shredded.

He took off, like, stripped down to his bathing suit to put on his wetsuit.

I was like, Jesus Christ, this guy's absolutely buff.

And then behind him, his girlfriend steps out and she like zips up her wetsuit to like here.

She has huge face

and i'm looking at like a scuba porno setup

they're both like comically beautiful

i was like oh get in the boat now with all the french guys

uh can we put the number up again text this phone number if you wanted to be a part of our our our uh a reverse call-in show after the show we're gonna call you text this number we'll call you text this number with your name and a question um and you might be part of the no hot wife attempting or anything like that please yes everyone text us your number and you will be handed to the hillary clinton text list requesting uh donations

nicholas i hate that i have to send this

up

you love it

you said it you want all

i i've never texted stop so much in my life

it's mostly the mitch wow

what what's a bummer about those is that you know they they are working on the people who are like old and on a fixed income.

Because they're like, oh, Nancy Pelosi needs help.

You know, like

they just are believing what they're seeing, and that's why they do it.

And everyone else is like, shut the fuck up.

Cut the mattresses open.

Pelosi needs help.

Yeah, and like cash comes spilling out.

Fucking hold up.

Pelosi doesn't need any fucking help.

She's got big naturals and a hell of a stock portfolio.

Nancy Pelosi has big naturals.

Heavy hangers on Pelosi.

Or like double Delosi, baby.

I know what I'd like to get into her freezer.

She's got a bunch of Jenny's ice cream in there.

I thought that's what you were calling her pussy.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

That's moment.co.

What is that?

What is that?

Are we getting a phone call?

No.

Wow.

Moment.co is ending the stream after Gabriel referred to Nancy Pelosi's

freezer.

Skype incoming Mitch's dad.

Just want to say I'm not proud of anything you've done.

What an insane moment for our two dead dads to appear together.

Just my dad shows up.

Hey, Gabriel's dad was supposed to be here two hours.

But much like every one of his football games, he couldn't make it.

I don't know what to tell the people in the chat saying you want our mics to be closer.

My mic is where it is supposed to be.

The audience is a fist from your nose.

Put on your fucking.

Try debugging on your end.

Put headphones on your fucking body.

We're in the middle of doing a show.

Play anything.

We are doing a show.

Shoot browser.

I don't know.

Headphones instead of your laptop audio or vice versa.

Try picks it up.

Get out of your fucking jazzy scooter and turn the volume up.

Everyone's fucking WALL-I humans.

Tell them to speak louder.

Hey, Taba, no baba.

Getting choked out by their girlfriend in a metal bikini.

Get up and fucking turn the volume up, or it's out on a podcast tomorrow.

Thank you for your support

and send us a picture of that girlfriend choking you out.

All right, do we have that number up there?

Text has any pictures of you?

Oh, David Carradine and NXS have already weighed in.

They're with my dad on this guy.

You know, you get grouped by how you dive.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

My mom and or sister aren't, they're not watching it, I'm sure, but still.

All right, look.

Only you can make that joke because you're a fellow Dead Dad Club guy.

Yep.

Yeah, it's worth it.

So bad my dad is dead so I can riff like this.

Before we get into the chains proper, before we get into In-N Out Burger and Wendy's,

the categories that are coming in on, In-N-Out Burger won the burger tournament, burger brawl.

Wendy's won the chicken tournament chicken fight by virtue of the spicy chicken sandwich.

What are your feelings on burgers in general and fried chicken slash chicken sandwiches in general?

Because I will say fried chicken is my favorite food.

I love fried chicken so much.

Love a fried chicken sandwich, but I probably like a burger over a fried chicken sandwich in general.

But that spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy's is one of my all-time favorites.

Oh, yeah.

One of my go-to fast food things or any one of these new places is a burger and a fried chicken sandwich.

No fries.

Oh, that's a bad movie.

That's my move.

Because

I really like both.

But, like you, if it was just one or the other, I'd probably go burger.

Right.

I fucking love fried chicken, but I think the two together pair very well.

As like, you know, you eat half of one, then you eat half of the other.

Yeah, back and forth.

I love that.

Yeah.

What's the place over on Franklin that we got?

For the win.

For the win, yeah.

Great cheeseburgers and fried chicken sandwiches.

You can go down on both.

So good.

I love it.

Big sweet.

One just opened by me in the Beverly Center.

Nice.

Oh, there you go.

Another reason to be at the mall.

I'm a Grove boy.

Don't meet me there.

Are you a Grove boy?

I'm a big Grove boy.

I was just there bagging it last night.

Bagging it?

Wow.

That's when I have sex with a condom.

Bagged it and tagged it.

JasonHatesMovies.com to see what I'm talking about.

I used to park at the Grove when I worked as a CBS page, Wags.

That's right where I...

Is that where you had to park?

Yeah, you had to park at the.

A lot of the times you had to park there, yeah.

Sometimes they let you on the lot occasionally.

But when, you know, when Barb Barker Bob Barker was retiring, it was, or when I was a page for Bill Maher's show.

Funny.

I work the

real time's been on that long?

Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

It was on before even I got there.

It was on like years before I got there.

I go back there and page just for free because I love the content of the show.

I can't believe how much I liked Politically Incorrect when it was on.

Yeah, but I was also like a teenager.

Yes, exactly.

Oh, I see.

Whoa, this is so like adult.

Yeah, I can watch Slash argue with Robert Evans.

I'm like, oh, that's fun, you know.

But like, I Roger sent that clip the other day of Bill Maher being like, the boy, like, it was like about a guy, a young boy and his teacher from the...

Who got like molested by his teacher.

Yeah, and Bill Maher was just being like, it's okay.

There it is.

I was like, what the fuck?

Yeah,

guess what Bill Maher's opinion on that is, and you are correct.

And then Henry Rollins, looking jacked as hell, as always, just dunks all over him, but in the most polite way.

It's just basically like, well, I think she probably took advantage of the power dynamic and probably, you know, which was an irresponsible act on her part.

She's basically saying, you fucking idiot.

How do you have a TV show?

And he still has one 25 years later.

God bless him.

God bless you, Bill Maher.

You should bring in more Bill Maher energy into your podcast.

So, like, after you say,

and that drop was from whatever, then you go like

until the in-studio people start clapping and laughing because you're telling them that was a punchline.

Like a month or two ago, the commercial I did where I play an iMight.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He was a booty.

He researched it a couple of times.

Wait, really?

On his show, yeah.

Wow.

I kept getting like pictures for people being like, hey, you're on Bill Maher.

And then immediately then be like, yeah, I still watch it.

I don't know what the research is.

There's no other television.

I was like, what is what was he saying?

But yeah, apparently, like, two times.

If I had to guess, he's probably pro people getting iMite.

Keeping him up with about being 95% wrong, with the exception of weed and sex workers.

Betsy, what do you stand on on cheeseburgers or hamburgers in general and fried chicken slash fried chicken sandwiches?

Oh, man.

I

love them both so much, and they're both such a treat for me.

It's it's if I could eat one of them every day and not feel, you know, and no consequences, I think I'd have to go with a burger.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think I would have to go with a burger and keep chicken sandwich as a treat.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, I get that.

It's a little bit more of an indulgence.

A little bit more of a

way I'm voting.

That's not a big part, I will say.

I'm not saying that either.

Yeah.

But I'm not saying that either.

Right.

I'm not voting.

In this tournament.

We need you to vote for this.

Yeah, it's super important.

I listened to all the other episodes leading up.

Get the fucking dry erase boards out.

Let's do it now.

We got way more show before we get to the dry erase board.

We sure do, Mitch.

And

as you know, by now, Commissioner Susser's tragic and unexpected passing, rest in peace, RIP, resulted in a secret weeks-long process where the Chartinoles convened in Fatticon City for a conclave.

Should we

convened?

Should I have said convened?

I think

let's go with Comvene.

This is live.

Comvene,

Right, got it.

Got it.

Convened in Vatican City for a Comclave.

On Tuesday as Daleboys double, the Comclave released Hawaii Steam, meaning a decision was made.

And tonight we will learn the identity of this new tournament commissioner.

Please welcome Deputy Commissioner Yusong, accompanied by Chartnell Noy.

Sure.

Sure, yeah.

Chart Noyd.

Okay.

Wow.

40,000 people are clapping at home if it makes you guys feel better.

40,000.

Oh, yeah.

But when we were watching the pre-show, Amelia goes, 48,000 people are too bad.

And we're like, no.

No, they're not.

And then I realized it was Casey's Kickstarter.

Amelia.

Usong, I believe

you have some news for us.

Yes, thank you so much for having me.

The process.

to

select a new commissioner at Vatican City was trying and difficult.

And not just for the toilets.

She song doing stand-up?

What's going on?

I guess so, yeah.

No, but on a more serious note,

every Chartonel did have some very strong opinions about toppings for their ice cream Sunday.

For God's sakes, just tell us who the new commissioner is.

What the fuck?

Okay, sorry.

He's been gone too long.

He's doing a stand-up.

Let's get him in the real-time Reggers Realm.

No, I've just missed hanging out with you guys.

Okay, I will announce the new commissioner, but first, a song of worship.

Oh my goodness.

Wow.

A song of worship.

Another song?

I guess a song is going to happen, huh?

petty

juice

gallery

Strong

water

with

printer

demonstrates

glory

Avoid him.

I'm sweating.

Oh my god.

Every line is like three minutes.

Is that it?

No, there's more.

Oh, there's more.

I'm sorry.

Is the chat complaining about volume at all?

It's weird, the chat's dead.

And every

night

beginning.

Time dialers

begin

Amen.

Wow.

So that couldn't be done in the pre-show is what we're saying.

Noid, that was beautiful.

Noid, that was beautiful.

Beautiful Chartinel Noid, also worth it, I would say.

We all agree it was worth it.

I just wonder if

Koalak just ever listened to Ave Maria ever.

Koalik?

Oh, I'm sorry, the Noy.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Seeing so many people.

He bucked the cave babe.

Sorry, sorry.

Noid, thank you.

That was wonderful.

Thank you very much.

That was beautiful.

Thank you, Noid.

Thank you, Noy.

God bless.

Dominoes was the only word I understood in that.

I don't know if you see in the script there it says Noid exits.

Thanks for having me, guys.

We love you, Noid.

We love you, Noid.

Thank you, Noy.

Thank you, Chartnell Noyd.

Chartnel Noy.

Chart,

everyone.

Chartmel Noyd was sitting in a chair spinning around going, I'm Jake, I'm Amir.

I think you were right about no one complaining about the volume anymore.

We told everyone to put on headphones and turn the volume up.

Then send in the Noid

like it's fucking gitmo.

Except, we're the prisoners.

Was that in terms of runtime?

Was that longer than her opening song?

I think it was a long time.

I think 100%.

I think it was like twice as long.

I think the third and fourth song are longer, too.

Fucking night ahead of us.

Me and Betsy are doing a grease lightning parody.

You sang, I apologize.

You're about to tell us about the new commissioner.

Of course.

And now, before we announce the new commissioner.

Look, just tell us it's Susser or the knife or whatever bullshit it's gonna be.

Just do it.

The name of the new commissioner is Chartinel Mario.

Wow?

Mario?

Chartinel Mario.

What?

Oh my god.

The new commissioner is walking in.

His back is to the camera.

Jemmy is being ejected from her spot on the couch.

Oh, yeah, this is a huge upgrade.

Oh, my goodness.

Wearing a Pope, Pope-like costume, it is the commissioner.

Mario!

Wait, I'm sorry.

What is going on here?

This is literal hat-on-hat.

I'm the new Commissioner.

But similar to the tradition of the Pope who takes a new name, I'm going to take a new name.

Okay.

So from this point forward, I will be known to honor the past and who came before me.

I will be known as Commissioner Evan Saucer II.

Oh, okay, great.

So now you're back and are just going to talk with that dumb Italian accent?

You know, speaking of accent, I've actually been taking dictation lessons, so now I cannot talk a normal.

You took dick.

You took dick.

Yeah, it's me.

I can talk normal.

Wow, shocking.

Wow.

No one was expecting this.

The new commissioner, Commissioner Evan Susser, the second.

You don't have to say second every time.

Commissioner Evan Susser, he's back.

Clayball!

Susser, Susser, Susser.

We need some closure here because we spent a whole month thinking our friend had died.

Did you actually die?

Like, what's the deal here?

Was this a hoax?

Nick,

of course, I didn't die.

That's why they call me Susser.

Permanente.

Oh.

Wow, comes full circle.

The prestige in that envelope from the first

one has an envelope.

That's fairly executed.

Everyone remembers that.

We all remember.

Wow.

Wow.

He has risen.

Commissioner Susser, everybody.

Wow.

Yeah, everyone said he was dead, yet our chicken nuggets kept evaporating when we were trying to eat for the show.

To the listeners in the chat, do I sound better with two?

Is it better with two mics?

Two mic mic.

Oh, does that mic?

No, I mean, it's fine.

Do whatever you want.

Do people like it with the new mic?

I muted that one, but now you're back.

This is the new mic.

Wow, it was susser the whole time.

I can't believe it.

Why?

I mean, it was a different susser.

It was really wild, but we do need to get back in the tournament because we have.

I'm sorry, Amelia's running in here with a slip of paper.

Let me open this up.

Your balls are hanging out.

Oh my God.

Wow.

The Doughboys won a Peabody Award for the Conclave Bitch.

Congratulations to the whole team.

Great work, everybody.

And they don't just give those away because Jon Stewart got one.

The only show's been good with Hold Stewart back in the helmet.

Yeah, not my president.

All right.

I need a moment of Zen, baby.

This show is sponsored by Liquid IV.

Wages, it's the dog days of summer as I sit here next to Jemmy.

It's hot, and you got to stay hydrated.

You know how I stay hydrated?

How's that?

With a liquid IV.

I take liquid IV every night, a strawberry liquid IV.

I mix it into some water, I drink it down, and I'm feeling good.

I'm feeling hydrated.

I'm going to bed, a happy little Mitch.

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Let's get into Much Madness 10 MMX the tournament of tournament of champions the tournament of champions of champions Totcock.

Yes.

I kind of botched my line.

Oh great.

So now you're back and you're speaking that stupid Italian accent.

Can you just put that in later?

Yeah, we'll just do that.

Once again, this is live.

Got it.

I did botch it.

I was kind of, maybe I was reading some sort of script.

Alex, what a surprise.

Susser's back.

What a surprise.

Nothing changed.

Jemmy's disoriented.

Her costume is askew.

Let's see if I can adjust this or if she's going to be offended.

It was so worth kicking Jemi off the couch to sit down

for one day to offend my people.

If I came in here and I was like, I'm rabbi, blah, blah, blah, and I did a fucking Hebrew accent, I would be fucking drummed out of society.

You dream of doing that, first of all.

Second of all, I'm not.

You guys already made me change my costume twice.

I was pushing Jemmy off the couch, and I was like, everyone's just going to be mad at me pushing Jemmy off of the couch.

No, Jemmy.

Want to sit next to Uncle Wise?

Jemmy, sit next to Uncle Wise.

Want to sit next to Uncle Wise?

Jemmy was contemplating jumping off the couch headfirst once the noid started sitting.

She did visibly react to.

Well, it hit a certain pitch.

If it was the brown note, I fucking filled my drawers with diarrhea.

The rules, as decreed by the resuscitated Commissioner Susser.

Go ahead.

The resuscitated?

I was just going to say, online, people were like, it might be Wayne Brady as the Commissioner.

I knew.

Of course, it's Susser.

You knew it.

Everyone knew it.

It wasn't going to change.

It was fucking Susser.

The bit is the same as last year.

Yeah.

You did this last year with me in Betsy.

Rule number one: there are no rules.

That's right.

Just like Outback Steakhouse this year, it's no rules, just right.

Rule number two, there actually are some rules.

Rule number three, everyone is here.

Every winner of every past tournament of champions is represented in Munch Badness 10.

Rule number four, you got to dance with the one who brought you.

Your ticket in is your meal ticket.

If a restaurant has multiple categories of food in its menu, only the category it qualified for is eligible.

As a way of example, the winner of the pizza tournament, Domos, can only enter with pizza, not wings or pasta, et cetera.

Rule number five, one-on-one fun.

Every matchup will be a one-on-one matchup with each guest getting to pick one item from the convening chains.

Rule number six, the Roger Abbott slash Judge Doom rule.

Dimp gets the slip, sauce is at a loss.

You can use sauce, but you can't evaluate sauce in your review.

Rule number seven, the dais is denied.

The dais, aka the producer's desk.

Opinions on the competing chains are not to be considered during the tournament.

No exceptions.

If this rule is violated, the commissioner reserves the right to eject members of the dais.

Middle fingers.

Rule number eight, tie goes to the runner.

If there's a tie, host and or guest can agree to a foot race around headcum to decide which side wins, which we did during the pre-show.

We did.

You guys, you guys saw it.

Or they can opt for a deus ex machina, which would be letting the dais decide.

This rule would then cancel out.

Rule number seven.

Rule number nine, hate has no plate here.

Chick-fil-A is officially banned banned for the tournament, even though it didn't qualify in the first place.

So this is just grandstanding.

I do like Chick-fil-A's chicken sandwich.

We're talking about chicken sandwich.

Rule number 10: I'll have what he's having, a.k.a.

the Billy Crystal rule.

In each round, the commissioner reserves the right to have one of the hosts' exact meals, and a new rule has been added by virtue of the new commissioner by his ruling.

Rule number 11, for the finale, the entire menu is on the menu.

All items could be considered.

Well, susser the second or susser permanente.

I don't like this rule at all.

Why?

As specified.

It should be what got you here, which is chicken sandwiches and burgers.

But it's okay.

We'll talk about it.

As specified by Jess McKenna, these are the stakes.

The winner will be sent to the first organism to crawl out of the sea, who also look like Billy Crystal, to determine whether they evolved to live on land or instead return to the ocean.

Billy Crystal impersonator, remember?

We forgot.

He lived in San Diego.

Oh, right.

He lived in San Diego.

That's where the work is.

If you're doing crystal, you can't be in LA

where there is a crystal.

Should we go down there and become Gad impersonators?

Yeah.

The bummer is the guy only does his Sammy Davis Jr.

The first organism who crawled on the sea who also look like Billy Crystal will get this item to determine whether they evolved to live on land or instead return to the ocean to build a Pandora-esque aquatic paradise of murder people and otherwise turn our dystopian earth into a utopian mirth.

Part one of this matchup is In-N-Out Burger.

So we're going to talk In-N-Out Burger and Wendy separately.

We'll start with In-N-Out Burger.

In-N Out Burger is part of the finale.

The Chick-fil-A Burger.

The Chick-fil-A sandwich would never have made it for me.

Fuck that sandwich.

You know what?

They really?

Fuck that sandwich?

You don't like it?

It's fine.

No, you should actually fuck that sandwich.

That's my Patreon tier.

It's called Fuck That Sandwich.

We're going to talk In-N-Out Burger first, you're saying.

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah.

In-N Out Burger.

Just like if you were to order both, you got to eat the In-N-Out first.

Yes.

So you have to talk In-N-Out first.

Yes.

In N-Out Burger's path to the finale.

In the first round, in the Baby Bitch region, In-N Out Burger defeated Handles after Mitch and I split our votes.

And the final fork, In-N-Out defeated Taco Bell 3-1 with Mitch's the lone dissent.

So I went

that round is

I went to In-N-Out Burger on my own and dined in.

I went post-lunch rush, pre-high school getting out.

That was a window.

Oh, yeah.

Pre-high school getting out.

This is what your lawyer told you.

Hold on, hold on.

I wasn't waiting for the high school to get out.

I was like, this is.

I had to get a good seat for when the high school got out.

All right.

I was saying the opposite.

They didn't want to play Swarming Outteens.

Get the shirt he's wearing, a shirt that looks exactly like the booth at In-N-Out.

Hey, this one's open.

This one's open.

Face painted bright blue.

This is open.

You went there by yourself?

I still went by.

So I went past a lunch rush.

There was not a long line, but the place was still completely packed.

Like, so much so that I shared my table with a stranger because there was no place else to sit.

I was already sitting there, and the guy asked if he could sit there, and I was like, Great.

Um, I got it, I got a double double with.

He's like, Hey, just I'm gonna shoot up this place, so let me know if you're gonna shoot it

because I can cover the back door.

We can get more bodies that way.

You know, the high school's about to get out.

Yeah, buddy, I know.

I got a double double with onions.

I got animal-style fries.

I got a flying Dutchman, which is a secret menu item that Gilly actually described, uh, which is just two patties with two slices of cheese served on paper.

I got a pink lemonade, I got a vanilla shake, and that was my meal.

What did everyone else get?

Mitch, you went last, you went today, actually, right?

I went today wages.

I went up to, I was going to go to my original In-N-Out, but it was too, it was, the timing just wasn't working.

I was going to go to the Universal In-N-Out.

And I went to the one that's like Glendale adjacent.

You know, there's a one in Glendale when you have to get out of your car, and I wasn't going to do that.

So I went to the other, the other one that's a drive-through.

The one we've tried to do.

The Harvey's or Holly Drive or whatever.

Harvey Drive.

That's the In-N-Out so clutch.

It's clutch, but I waited about a half an hour in line there.

A half an hour is the amount of time it took me to get my Wendy's order and come back and eat it.

Yeah, sure.

You saw that.

No, there's certainly

from a demand standpoint,

there's way more demand for an in-out burger, certainly in Southern California.

Lines are way longer.

I got myself, and I've complained on here about veggies.

I've complained about veggies on the podcast.

In general, this is a great stance for you to have.

Shoot me up with my drugs.

Fuck vegetables.

I'm going to be one.

whatever.

While we're on this tangent, like I said.

While Mitch is looking through his text messages to say, Amelia, what did I eat earlier?

That is not it.

I have it here.

I'm only looking at my notes app.

I'm not texting people during the fucking show.

Sorry.

I got a 3x3, Wags, because I had always kept said that the burgers there, it's too much lettuce, and I wanted to get a lot of beef.

So I got a three by three.

I'll get a three by three sometimes.

A three by three protein style, three patties, three slices of cheese.

Oh, I did not go protein style.

I went three by three animal style, add raw onions, And then I got myself a single burger, animal style, no lettuce, no tomato.

I got myself animal-style fries.

I got a pink lemonade, medium, and I got a black and white shake.

Wow.

Gabrielis, what did you?

And y'all had something pre-show.

Yeah, we ate back.

We got here and watched the pre-show on the Dead Commissioner's iPad.

You know, they say before you do a performance, you're supposed to have about 4,200 calories.

Yep, yep.

Yeah, so we had In-N-Out back there, and me and Betsy both also had Flying Dutchman.

Yeah.

And I also got a double-double animal style, no tomato, add grilled onions, which is my go-to.

Yeah,

you're an avowed tomato skeptic.

Yeah, I do not like tomato on burgers or sandwiches.

If it's part of the title, like if you're giving me a caprese or a BLT, you can leave your tomatoes on there.

But otherwise, get fucking bent, Red Ring of Death.

You're usually dealing with really shitty, low-quality tomatoes is the thing.

Yes.

And when I was a kid, my mom would like think adding a tomato to a ham and cheese sandwich was like, this way, it's not totally unhealthy.

And it like ruined ham and cheese.

Like it ruined everything for me.

And then I also tried to get a single single with just lettuce, pickles, and mayonnaise.

They didn't do it, but it was close.

I kind of approximated it.

I wanted to try like a plainer burger.

Right.

And it was all around.

Well, I thought I'll talk a review later.

Do they just have mayo?

Is that the issue?

They must have mayo, right?

I don't think they have mayo.

You can get ketchup and mustard instead of spread, but I don't think they have just regular mayo.

Yeah, so that's maybe why I got spread instead, but it was still it still worked out.

Yeah, and I got yeah, flying Dutchman and then a single with everything and grilled onions.

Are you generally a single burger?

Like, is that your proportion or do you?

Yeah, usually, because I also really like to house fries.

Yeah, french fries are a big part of my meal.

So I'm like, let me be kind of healthy with the burger so I can go to town on french fries and ranch and stuff.

Yeah, I got animal fries, which I should have said, but they ended up, because of just the weight and meat taking longer to get here than I expected,

ended up being like almost like a baked potato.

One big thing, like a log that I could slice parts of it off of.

Still not bad.

That will sure congeal into kind of just a soft mass.

Yeah,

this is the issue with In-N-Out, which we've talked about.

I ate it in the parking lot, is where I ate it in a restaurant.

I went to Bookie Spice.

I pulled into his

I will say that

I would not be shocked if those were the politics of the owners.

I mean, that's probably the politics of every business owner.

I mean, for the most part,

they don't exactly wear their politics on their sleeves, but they are overt about how that it's like a company that was founded on like Christian principles and they have Bible verses on the

Bible verses on the bottom.

I disagreed with a lot of them.

But

is what you're saying mega-coded because it's just sort of like looks like a 50s throwback sort of thing?

Like, sort of like.

Yeah.

I mean, it feels like

how Mel's Drive-In is.

Sure, yeah.

It's got that.

This was American.

Yes, yeah.

I love those 1950s diner with colored-only water fountains and stuff.

Yeah, why did we love that era so much?

It's bizarre.

Yeah, the 19,

I mean, look, I love In-N-Out.

I like that it's a throwback burger place, but it has that vibe, a little bit of that.

It feels a little more like 70s SoCal to me than 50s.

I don't think that means it's not like inherently MAGA or anything, but sure, yeah.

That's what I guess I associate it in whatever I'm from here and I grew up with it.

But like, I, yeah, I associate it more with like kind of like beachy vibe.

Yeah, it was on the bottom of my cup.

What's that?

It was Conover 217.

And then the colon just said actually

a letter from Conover to the Corinthians

actually

rectus

I

I ate in my car I pulled in I ate in the car and the bite of

A double double animal style is already a sloppy mess.

Three by three animal style is a sloppier mess.

It did give me a good beefy bite, but I mean, you know, is it about, is it just about the beef?

You know, the beef is great there.

I try the animal style fries.

The beef is fantastic.

The beef is, it's great.

It's a great burger patty.

There's no denying it.

The fries, the animal fries, I thought were, they were okay.

The animal fries are just okay.

But I've had plain fries enough during this competition.

I didn't care.

You know what was my bite of the night, or I guess the sip of the trip?

That black and white shake, man.

Their shakes are great.

Was fucking good as hell.

Shakes are fantastic.

Their ice cream shakes.

It's a shit that I've never had one.

You've never had one?

I've had In-N Out like hundreds of times, and I'm not really a shake with my kind of meal kind of guy.

If it's like, and I don't normally eat dessert, I'm usually too disgusted and full with myself to eat dessert.

Yeah.

But I think I got to try one of these shakes.

You know, I hear you talk about these shakes and I get a little envy.

I had a Frosty today.

Yeah.

Because I saw Nick's order.

Yeah.

It's a bit too, it's a bit too much for it to be a regular thing, I get.

But sometimes if I want to indulge, like, I will get, and, and for me, again, growing up up with an Outburger, that's where I learned to dip fries into shakes.

And

you're at Wendy's.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what?

Same thing.

And you know what?

I did the same thing in both places.

I hate that shit.

I hate people dipping their fries into shakes.

What's wrong with that?

Have you tried it?

No.

You don't like sketch.

I've tried.

I've tried.

Do you generally not like salty?

Do you generally not like salty and sweet together?

Do you not like a salted caramel?

No, I'm not a person who puts the MMs in my popcorn.

Ooh, what about chocolate-covered pretzels?

Oh, now that's a little bit different.

Yeah, that's my fucking wheel house, baby.

But I

don't like to dip him in the in the frosty too often.

But uh, but that that black and white shake just on its own is so we we gotta I know this sounds pathetic, but let's get out of here and grab a shake.

Let's go.

I'd fucking love to.

By the time we get back here, Nick will be done explaining Conclave and we will

back upside.

I've been listening all month long, of course.

I mean, I should get on the double as a guy who who lives off his Patreon and I don't belong to yours.

I'm on the show all the time.

We come back and Wags is on the Zoom with David Carradine and my dad from heaven.

Sorry, buddy.

Sorry, buddy.

You got to go.

What?

I don't know.

I'm talking into the fucking microphone, you fucking idiot.

They don't know what they're talking about.

Are you like

something else?

Try debugging something on your end.

Did you see that?

I got Nick to yell at me.

Now I can come.

This guy's fucking busting.

I can finally come.

wigger yelled at me i heard koala outside before the pic i should be explained what conclave was

i've been listening for like five weeks knowing what the buildup is and i hear

so it's movie

it's movie that's it

we got people with buggy computers is that the issue it's what's going on here i think A lot of our readers or listeners are dumb.

Like, they're just like idiots.

Figure it out, you snowflake.

So a lot of you guys out there are

snow white.

And if you're stupid, I understand you don't have the intelligence to like try to fix something on your own.

So, what you're going to do is you're just going to say, the world is wrong.

So, you type in the chat, like, the world is wrong.

Fix the world because you're too dumb to try anything on your end.

So, I get that you're that fucking stupid.

You have the comment.

I get it that you're that much of a fucking moron that you have to put into the chat how fucking dumb you are so we can all like acknowledge your existence.

So, what I say is,

yeah, I mean, like, in the future, though, maybe, like, look inside for a moment.

Maybe, like, consider, like, is there anything I can do to fix my situation, or am I just going to ask everyone else to do it for me?

Because that's what's happened to me my whole life.

Because I'm just surrounded by people who can are aware that I am inept, who are aware that I'm utterly incompetent at surviving the world.

Why was I someone else to fix things for me?

I need someone to hold my hand through every single process of every single aspect of my life because I am such a fucking moron.

And I also need to make sure that I let everyone know about that.

I'm going to cut you off before you start crying.

Yeah.

I'm doing great.

You're very close to tears.

I'm fucking tearing up because that's

so proud of my boy.

That's the attitude you've got to have with these people every once.

I flipped out on them not too long ago at the beginning, right at the beginning of the tournament, right around there somewhere, and now you've flipped out on them too.

Look, maybe they got a buggy computer.

We're going to give them the benefit of of this.

They might have a buggy computer.

Dug it, dug it.

Maybe you want to just gently, kind of inconspicuously come in here.

Do you know if there's any like gummy candy?

There might be.

Do we have any gummy?

There might be some fruit snacks in there.

Yeah, some fruit snacks.

I couldn't find any.

There might be some gummy.

I mean, my general stance is the gummy candy, but

yeah.

Oh, thanks.

Yeah.

You were looking for gummy candy?

I liked it better when he was dead.

Come on.

Just give it a couple of years.

Well, I'll be gone then.

That's a good point.

That's a good point.

All right, Wags.

I think people either have left the

stream or they figured out their audio at this point.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yell at me.

I want to shoot her up on my Lenovo.

I'm just happy because I feel like some of that was probably angered at me and it came out to those Never.

That's so narcissistic of you, but I don't know.

You know,

I couldn't help but notice that maybe it was my fault.

I'm a little devil.

Not a little devil.

You're a big saint.

I'm a big saint.

Nick.

Can I just say putting the emphasis on bore over here, Al Borland?

Can I just say, I got this?

My In-N-Out Burger

was so fucking good.

And I'm like, I was eating this and I was like, this is, like, this is the,

this chain is at the top of its game right now.

Like, like, I don't know what it is.

I don't know if this shift is just like really like, like, you know, absolutely locked in, but this is like the absolute best version of In-N-Out Burger.

Something, a meal I've eaten like, you know, a thousand times.

in the course of my life that i just like i finally had like like not even finally it's it's just like

14 times this month.

I've had it, I've had In-NOUT Burger so many times just this year, and I'm like, this is like the, the ideal, the platonic ideal of an In-N Out Burger meal.

Every single item was great.

I was having this, and I was like, man, this is,

like, I don't know.

I don't know if Wendy's even has a shot here because this is so good, and I have so much nostalgia attached to this chain.

But that was my personal experience at this particular location with this particular meal.

But I was really, really just like,

just blown away by this experience.

It was great.

Every item was great.

The double-double was great.

The frying Dutchman was great.

The animal-style fries were piping hot.

They were exactly as they should be.

And that shake was great.

The pink lemonade was the only thing that was a little bit of letdown just because it's a little intensely sweet for me, but I wanted to have it so I'd have a one-to-one comparison with Wendy's, which we'll get to in a second.

And

just as you finish your meal, the high schoolers just filed into the building as well.

A perfect meal.

Wow, wow, exactly.

My burger was good.

The single, it's funny.

The single was a little too salty with everything.

It was just the sauce and the burger.

Animal style fries, they don't have great fries here.

It isn't.

Fries are rough.

That's why I, I mean, that's partly why I do the animal fries.

I don't mind the fries, but if someone's like, I don't like the in-and-out burger fries, I've always been like, yeah, it's fine.

Like, whatever.

I don't need to defend them.

To me, like saying

in-and-out fries is the same thing as saying, like, I thought that movie was too long.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, of course.

Just shut up.

Uh-oh, that's fucking.

I say both of those sentences a lot.

But I say that movie was too long.

So nope, monkey could have been longer.

I get seven hours given an intermission like the brutalist.

Going back in for the back half of Monkey.

Is that why you're crying?

Really sad.

Who's your monkey of the night?

Well, Wendy's is not going to give up their shot to quote,

what's his name?

Hamilton.

Hamilton.

What was your In-N-Out experiences?

Like, they just had an A plus today.

A-plus version.

There were A-plus versions for both you guys.

Yeah, it was really good.

It was banging.

And I don't have it as frequently as I should because the only one near me is that Hollywood one.

And that one's like just not.

Oh, and like orange or whatever.

Yeah, yeah.

That's a tough one.

That one's like impossible.

Wag's right next to Hollywood High School.

I have been to that Inno Burger a number of times.

Yes.

That's the only thing.

Love it still work there?

Does Love It still work at that Inn and Out Burger?

No, he worked at high school.

Oh, he worked at high school high.

One of the

box art for that movie is burned into my head.

Right?

He has like an afro that has like a train going through it.

It's like

there's movies where it's like, okay, yeah, this comedy from the 90s hasn't aged well.

That movie, The Box, hasn't aged well.

The box is bad.

Jesus Christ.

You should take down that poster.

The high school high poster I have above my bed.

On the ceiling.

On the ceiling.

Yeah.

Look at it.

It gets me harder than a mirror.

Than a mirror?

Well, nothing gets me harder than a mirror.

What was your bite of the night, if you will, to borrow a phrase from Mitch?

The flying Dutchman was surprisingly enjoyable.

It's really good.

I never got spread on the side, and spread packets were there.

And I was like, ooh, this is a fucking treat.

Dipping a fucking flying Dutchman.

And we'll probably find out in like a week that that's a term we're not supposed to be using anymore.

Like, the answer that the gold community guys are after us.

Because Hofstra University, one of Long Island's few universities, used to be the Flying Dutchman, but they switched to the Pride,

which now has another seven different connotations.

Yeah.

But it's like a lion thing.

Yeah.

Oh, like the Pride.

It's a lion thing.

You wouldn't care.

Me.

Red Raiders are just fine.

So don't worry about it.

Cue the third song.

In Long Island, the longest thing.

We

a bumble.

Wee.

Put in just as much effort as all you've done.

My bike was, I,

of my single single.

Yeah.

I put some of the spread on and then I did the thing I've seen on like Instagram videos when people are just eating in their car and I just watch them.

You bite the little pepper, squeeze it, and take a bite.

It was really tasty.

A little pepper and chini juice.

A little pepper and chini juice.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I love that.

I love that you get the peppers on the side.

Yeah.

I will just say,

just to finish my thoughts here,

there was a moment I was dining in there, and it's just one of those things that happens when doing this podcast with talking about anything food.

I'm sitting there, three tables, tight-packed, tightly-packed dining room, completely full.

I'm sitting with a stranger, so it's four different parties at three different tables.

It's four completely different demographics, all enjoying the same meal.

And it's just one, I was just like, this is like, this is LA, this is California.

I just kind of have that feeling, you know, this is America.

This is America.

Exactly.

Hold on, Q the Fitzaw.

This is America.

It was such a

great, simple menu.

Yeah, that's what I like about it.

Damn.

If you speak up, they can't hear you in the chat.

We're not going to hear when he fucking bud dwyers himself.

Did you hear that?

You're bad as hell, and I'm not going to take it off.

Fat as hell.

We did that parody at one point.

We did do fat as hell in Microsoft.

Eat this in a minute.

Did you eat it anymore?

Some shitty.

I think it was Eat It Anymore.

And the seasoned assist from Weird Al has hit yet?

You kind of have just done a worse version of him in podcast form.

Do we have any other?

You got lettuce and tomato on your single.

Yeah, I got everything and grilled onions.

Yeah.

And grilled onions.

Yeah, I'm one for it.

It's like, I want everything on it.

Yeah.

I didn't intend to eat all.

I was like, oh, I'm going to have two bites of this, two bites of this.

I fucking ate everything.

It was five patties total.

I just took them all down and the wendy's yeah and some taco and can i be honest i'm feeling pretty good right now okay if we're being honest i feel like

legal dog shit

legal dog shit

illegal dog shit

i feel like i've hit the legal limit of dog shit in the human body oh my god jemmy can you give me some illegal dog shit

up with that illegal dog

that's like the coffee beans that you make your dog eat and then you take it out of its shit and you brew coffee with it.

Oh, yeah, I've heard about that.

That's a real thing.

Yeah, there is.

There's shit coffee.

I leave coffee grounds in a dog park.

There's shit coffee.

Yeah.

I think it's like

coffee.

Oat milk.

I think there's a specific animal that they want.

It's a cat.

It's a cat.

It's a cat.

It's a cat in South America, I think, that eats a bean, eats the beans and processes it, and that process makes the beans do something different than they brew coffee with that.

Yeah.

What the fuck?

I'm assuming they give it a quick rinse at some stage.

I imagine it's washed.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would hope it's washed, but they got little Wally's and Irmas doing that down there.

How that makes sense.

I guess so.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess if they industrialize it, it's probably depressing.

They're just forced to eating a bunch of cats' coffee and then watching them fake huge shits and then shoveling it in.

Standing over a kitty litter box, like, almost ready.

Like, you see, those hipsters do pour over coffee.

Like, now they have a cat on a table.

When I read about the process, it's just funny that you're not as outraged about that as you are about people saying you're too

soft.

Well, I'm hypothetical.

This is a hypothetical.

Because when I've read about the process, it talked about wild animals doing it.

Wild animals that naturally eat coffee beans, they'll go through their scat and then pull out the digested beans.

I think that's what happens.

But I don't know.

Ski, bum, bop, up.

We should have some on the scat man.

I am the scat man.

And then I'm obsessed with shit.

One guy, one tub.

I saw Amazing Jonathan in Vegas once.

I saw him.

I mean, LA.

Yeah, and they

was his pre-show Scatman?

Yeah, no, almost.

His pre-show was, they just had a video screen and they just played Scatman, and they played Scatman like four times.

That's how long they did the bit.

Funny bits.

They were just looping Scatman, but while they were doing it, they were just zooming in on audience members and then just would have like a funny caption, like, this guy likes to jack off.

Dude, oh, that is so funny.

That was so funny.

Can we already do that?

Can we steal that bit from Dough Boys Live Show?

Yes.

Yes.

I used to do a sketch show with my partner, Justin Tyler, you know, where we'd pretend we were on a steak out and we had a camera with night vision hooked up to the screen behind us and we would do a steak out and just roast all the audience that was sitting there.

Oh, that's so funny.

He's a fucking freak.

He's definitely the pedo we're after.

I feel like the first time I saw you were on stage, you two were on stage.

Were you naked is that yeah

when we hosted harold night here in la we didn't know anyone and we were like let's get naked in between shows

we did a bit because we kept ripping off our uh tearaway pants to reveal speedos because our show was like a lifeguard show yeah and then on the last time we came out ripped them off we had no speedos

we were like whoa acted like we didn't know that was going to happen

like it was annoying that we kept doing it already with like a build-up and then on the last time we just tightened speedos on crowd was no like crowd could not give a fuck

out last day of school

i was gonna say i think i saw it so they did just see one of my team's heralds yeah which is why they were happy with seeing two strange cocks for a little bit

i i've said this before on the podcast but the first time i met you gabris was at funnier die and you were also naked

the bit was we because i was there and they were shooting a today show bit that never aired um but al rocker came to talk.

Like, I went to talk to the staff of Funny Your Die to see how they came up with their crazy ideas.

It was one of those things.

It's like, no one gives a shit.

Of course, this isn't going to be on TV.

You're talking about Fat Roker or Thin Roker?

This was Thin Roker.

And so it was a conference room with all the Funnier Die

writers.

And then they were like, we should do a bit.

We should get someone to be naked.

And then Betsy, not a different Betsy, who worked at, who was a producer at Funnier Die, was like, I know a guy who will get naked.

And we're like, all right, sure.

And then it was Gabriel's.

And you stood up and you're just the naked guy they hired to sit there.

But I didn't know.

I'd never met you.

I was only living here for like a week and a half.

You just got here.

You're just, and you're getting paid like $150 to like sit naked in the conversation.

In a room full of people I didn't know were also UCB people and funnier time people and Al Roker.

And all it was told is that you were a professional naked guy.

And then you get in there and you're being the funniest guy in the room because you're the funniest guy in most rooms.

And then now we're just like, how the fuck is the fucking

the naked?

The naked guy is funny?

Yeah, I think think like in hindsight, it was like Fernie was in there.

He was in the other people that I now know personally, LP, and I know what they're doing.

I met them and they were like, everyone, of course, was like,

yeah,

this fucking naked guy.

And then I started doing bits and like, you know, being an alpha or whatever.

People are like, all right, now I hate this.

One of the, I think the second time I met you, you were talking with Justin Tyler, and you guys were like, get out of here, dead dads only.

Yeah.

And then within a year, my dad.

You ran home and said, I have some plans to make.

I don't remember how the rest of that went.

I'm like, yeah.

I just also want to say.

Dad, I booked you on TWA Flight 800.

My dad.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Christ.

My references are so

hard.

I was like, you know how my dad died?

You told him no peeking.

He looked looked and then died.

Once there was this dad

who looked into the shower and saw his son's back.

And

he finally turned one.

Seventh song parody of the night.

Only four hours left.

Don't forget to call this number on the screen now, and we will call you and do geek squad to your home entertainment system and get the speakers on your audio.

Text the number.

We will calibrate your audio.

That's not your tech problem.

Before you went into that, I made a joke about not seeing Snow White, and it just ended with you yelling at people.

I just want people to know: go see Snow White.

Yeah, you have to get seeing Snow White.

You have to see Snow White.

Trump wins if we don't watch Snow White.

Trump wins if we don't watch Snow White.

Those dwarves really look like shit, though.

Can we?

Yeah, they look bad.

They look real bad.

I mean, I do kind of look like one of the folks.

Which one?

There is one that I look at.

Can I spoil the ending of Snow White?

Did people hear this?

The ending.

I guess spoiler alerts for the chat for the ending of the new Snow White.

So there's someone narrating the whole movie.

And

the, you know, famously dopey is the dwarf.

I love that there are some listeners who are younger.

Who are mad that I'm spoiling Snow White.

Thank God I can't hear him the whole time.

I mean, I can hear his spoiler warning, but that's about it.

So,

like,

someone is narrating the movie.

It's like, like, and Dopey famously doesn't talk.

But in the movie, Snow White is like, hey, Dopey, you should have more confidence, the confidence to speak.

And the reveal at the end is that Dopey is the one with narrating the whole time because now he has learned how to talk.

And learned how to read.

Yeah.

And there's an after, there's a postcard scene where Snow White's sucking Dopey off.

Sam Jackson steps into the room and is like, Dopey, you're what we need with the Avengers.

We have you sucking off Ultron.

We just don't know who's playing him yet.

Or Kang, rather.

Oh, no, don't come for me, Feige.

All right,

we got to talk about Wendy's.

Now, I actually went to Wendy's the day before before I went to.

Are you fucking sure I'm here for this shit?

I'm here for this shit.

Right.

Mitch.

Are you fucking sharing this?

This hasn't gone off the entire time since I fucking.

It's gone off multiple episodes this month.

Since the last time it went off, since the last time it went off in that episode, it has not gone off.

Since the last time it hasn't happened again, is what you're saying.

And you want a fucking cookie for this?

Kind of.

It's not that bad.

I just, I, I, like, I already got mad.

So I, I, like, there's only, there's only so much energy I have, but it's like, it's honestly, it's just ridiculous that we have a live stream.

We have a live stream.

There's a fucking guy in my fucking backyard.

Is he wearing an Amazon delivery vest?

No, he's not.

He's fucking weirdo, dude.

What are you talking about?

What do you mean by weirdo?

There's a fucking dude at my fucking door.

There's a fucking guy at my fucking door.

Wait, what?

He's not moving.

Oh, now he is moving.

He's fucking, dude.

Okay, Mitch is showing his, for audio listeners, listening to this later, Mitch is showing his his phone screen I guess is that a ring camera is that your ring camera feed from the alert hold on

ring is calling me you fucking asshole okay

okay I guess Mitch is gonna pick up here

Hold on a second.

I'm sorry.

Hello?

Oh, yes.

Uh, this is Justin with Ring Home Security.

Yeah, hey, near the mic.

Oh, sorry.

We're calling you because your alarm was activated.

Uh, is this Michael Mitchell?

Yes.

Yeah, hello.

Yeah, this is Mike Mitchell.

Yeah,

I think someone is.

I I don't know if someone's breaking into my house right now.

Okay, sir.

I'm contacting local law enforcement as we speak.

Oh my fucking God.

Okay.

I'm at a podcast studio right now.

I'm not.

He doesn't need any of this information.

Go.

Oh,

you're not at home?

No.

I'm recording with my.

I'm here with...

I'm here taping a show with

Petsy from Ghosts I'm here with

I'm here with with my co-host with with Nick my co-host and

can I get Nick's full legal name

well ring security guy my full legal name is Nicholas Frankweiger and sometimes

I go by Frank which means it's time for another edition of this week in Hot Dog News and Let Me Be Frank

Hot dog, simmer in the city, create a mind drill getting greasy and dirty.

Toast bun, don't it look pretty?

Sucking on a dog like you're sucking on a titty.

Pork and beef, sausages, and long bread, rolling on a roller grill, bombing and frillage.

One mind is a different world.

Twelve stop fights with a girl.

Munch on, munch on, and jump all night.

Finally, far sitting on me all right.

That case when the casing has snapped.

later that day, you'll for sure have to nap as it simmers in the city, like you're sucking on a titty.

You ain't nothing but a hot dog,

frying all the time.

You ain't nothing but a hot dog,

frying all the time.

You ain't never been a burger, and you ain't no launcher mine.

Well, they said you were sandwich.

Well, that was just a lie.

They said you were sandwiched.

Well, that was just a lie.

You're just a phone around a wiener, so you shouldn't qualify.

Today was gonna be the day that I thought I'd have a frank to chew.

By now, you should be eating franks, wash them down with the mountain dew.

I don't believe that any hot dog feels the way you do inside my mouth.

And all the dogs I have to eat are frozen.

And all the pans I used to cook are broken.

There are many meals that I would like to eat on you, but I don't know how

Because maybe

you're gonna make my hot dog tasty

And my friends won't chill

Cause you're my formid

Anyway, like I was saying, hot dog is the fruit of the land.

You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, grill it, saute

it.

These are hot dogs, chili dogs, chili cheese dogs, fan-fried, deep-fried, corn dog-fried.

There's Chicago-style dogs, New York-style dogs, Coney dogs, Dodger dogs, Fenway Franks, DC half smokes, Norren dogs, Franken Beans, Carolina slaw dogs, hot dog sandwich.

That's about it.

Okay, Mitch, let's

check in on the hot dog news.

Why is good news?

They're not complaining about your sound anymore.

Is the ring security guy still on the phone?

Well, you know what?

Let's check in with the ring security guard who, you know what, was also the burglar in that video.

Wow.

Mike, are you there?

Yeah, yeah, I'm still here.

Mike, beautiful rendition.

Beautiful.

Great job, Mike.

Mike, your champ.

Mike also edited every video that you've seen tonight.

He's been up for about 46 hours.

Give it up for Mike Dorothy.

And you let him film himself in your apartment and make coffee through your cat's asshole later.

I even changed his name to Ring Securities,

which we will never change back.

We, I don't know,

anymore.

Great job.

Great job, Bike.

Thank you.

That was great.

A champ.

Wow.

See you, bud.

Thank you for everything.

Sorry that all your time resulted in this.

Goodbye.

I think I can sleep now.

Genie, you're free.

Goodbye, Mike.

We love you.

Thank you, dude.

See ya.

See ya.

Bye, Josh.

Bye bye, yeah.

The burglar and

the ring securities officer.

An Alto Knights-esque performance.

That is the rules.

Or a Theo James-esque performance.

Or a white clumps performance.

Do people know that you're sitting on,

speaking of ring security performance?

I thought you were about to say you were sitting on Jemmy.

I got so scared.

That he's sitting on a ring protector.

Oh, yeah.

I basically do have a cushion.

I sit on a cushion.

Oh, no.

And Wax has a backpack.

I have a butt pad.

Wages has the lumbar support.

You're here for five hours.

You've got to be comfortable.

Thank you.

How are you guys?

Are you comfortable?

I'm all fine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

My mouth is absolute fucking newspaper, but other than that, I'm doing great.

Did anyone believe that it was real?

Mitch, I think you acted the hell out of that.

Mitch, you did good.

You really did.

I was a little like, oh no, Mitch is going to really lose it.

When Emma and Amelia asked us to do the final episode, I went, that's amazing.

I have this bit planned.

Send me the ring doorbell chime.

And I'm like, don't say anything.

Then Emma's like,

I had to say something because they're doing a bit.

And that is so much less fucked up than what I was going to do.

We were discussing this and we were like, should we tell Gabriel's that this is like a, like, we have a thing planned?

We were afraid of what you were going to do, but it was good.

It was great.

It was great.

Were you going to pretend to break into my place?

I was going to pretend that someone was breaking into my place, but they had Wally in her mind.

He says, he knows I'm with you.

All right, Mitch, let's do one quick check-in a piece because we're tight on time of the latest hot dog news.

I use,

excuse me, I use Microsoft Copilot, which is the AI-assisted version of Bing.

And here's what they say are a roundup of the latest hot dog happenings.

Number one, a viral fake promotion claimed the Mets were selling the Dog Bowl, featuring 12 hot dogs in a helmet for $12.99.

That's fake.

Well, it turned out to be a hoax.

It sparked a playful rivalry among baseball fans.

That's fun.

That's fun.

My friends went to a baseball stadium that was your dog got into free

with you, and my friends all dressed up as dogs.

They're like, you still need a ticket.

They're trying to watch it for free.

Also, like, that's a hoax is that 12 hot dogs cost a dollar each?

I guess so.

That's such a bummer.

That's such a bummer hoax, especially when someone walks into the stadium with a gun and says, I demand to see the basement where they're selling hot dogs.

The Burger and Hot Dog Change Dog House, which we reviewed on the

big fan.

The former

one of the head chefs there, Adam Gertler, was a guest on the podcast.

Oh, yeah.

Is expanding to Ohio with four new locations planned for the Columbus area.

So there you go.

Don't they like,

I guess, chili dogs.

Chili on pot.

Chili on pot.

Never mind.

They could care less.

Are those conies there?

Conies.

Conies.

Wait, where is this?

Ohio?

Ohio.

Yeah, it's conies, I think.

Ohio.

Yankee Stadium's 2025 food selection, Gabris, is a home run featuring sashimi, main lobster, crazy hot dogs, and espresso martinis.

Yeah, that's the most fucking New York bullshit I've ever heard.

Watching a baseball game drinking an espresso martini is the most fucking bridge and turns shit ever.

Oh, I don't know if the sashimi's on the hot dogs.

Yeah, what's the yeah, where's a hot dog tag?

Like, uh, I said that's crazy hot dogs.

Crazy hot dogs.

Oh, okay.

What's crazy about him?

Are there any hot tails?

Want me to read in there?

I'll get in here.

It's the New York Post, so I was going to read it beginning to end tonight, anyways.

Let's see here.

Read more.

There's some, there's some, there's like, this is like, if you like, like, went in a cocoon of trash for

unfortunately, that looks like if if I went on a diet, you know,

you would look much better than that, man.

Along with your starting team of hot dogs and chicken buckets, there'll be bites.

Knock it out of the park.

This is so okay.

Yeah, this is really cool.

So it's just kind of hot dogs will be there and sashimi and espresso martinis.

Samuelson's bird dog is a stadium-where the hot dog topped with fried chicken tenders, garlic aioli, pickles, and cheese sauce.

Yeah, I'd check that.

That might be all right.

Okay, that's all right.

I would eat that.

I don't hate that.

I have like four or five of those in like the first inning and just kind kind of ride in.

A couple espresso martinis, a fill a fucking Yankees helmet with the shit.

Seventh inning, stretch my asshole.

My asshole into the toilet.

Goatsee myself in the fucking.

Buy me some peanuts and cracking chicks.

There's an art.

Well, this is just like the advertising on the New York Post, but place an ice cube on a burger when grilling.

Here's not.

Oh, that's interesting.

Do you do that?

Is that a thing?

I've never done that.

Whatever, juicy.

Yeah, if you put it like, you know, know, sometimes they put like a lid on with a little cube next to it just to get the steam going in off a flat.

Yeah.

But I feel like that's like a cheese melting method.

Because if you do that with just like the patty, you're kind of like just steaming the whole patty instead of, you know, grilling it.

You can even get the bun in there if you want a little light.

Oh, yeah.

This is honestly like hanging out with my mom.

She goes on the phone and then like says a headline like every two minutes or so.

Oh my goodness.

They're going to pave over the beach with a parking lot.

Okay.

Any more details?

Let me see.

My mom's like, oh no, there was a tsunami.

I'm like, where?

And she shows me like the video she's looking at, and it's like, it's from like 1985.

And I'm like, mom, what the fuck?

Whose account is this?

She's like, it's someone I follow on Facebook.

It was not in any, it was not in English at all.

It's like, oh, some Asian characters, maybe Japanese, maybe I don't, I couldn't recognize it.

And I was like, mom, how are you following a Japanese misinfo site on Facebook?

They had a tsunami.

There's not a lot of hot dog.

Yeah, that's what I was going to say.

We're getting towards the warmer weather.

I'm surprised that there's not more.

Copilot is pretty, these are pretty thin here, and it could just be the AI.

Portillos links up with actor BJ Novak's Chain for a fancy glizzy gimmick.

Okay, there you go.

Okay, I look forward to that email in my inbox.

The Hawaii hot dog that deserves a Lines Out the Door.

That's what it's saying.

Ooh, that's my wheelhouse.

You had me at Lines.

This one, Mitch, this is one micro targeted you.

Rogers Coney Island in Fall River, Massachusetts is reopening with a Fenway parked themed menu just in time for baseball season.

So how about that?

That'd be fun, a giant green menu that's really hard to super large on.

I'll have the, is that a small, what is this a small?

No, ordering a small.

All right.

Have you been to a Fenway Park?

Have you ever visited?

No.

You never had a Fenway Frank?

No.

I would love to.

No, I've had like a dozen or so Fenway Franks, but I've never been to the stadium.

Me and Carl, me and Carl, the burglar,

Mike Dorfman, and Emma

all went to a Red Sox game.

Wagger was invited.

There was a ticket for him.

No one used it.

And it was a blast.

I had COVID.

It was a great time.

Oh, and Nick didn't go and get COVID from you before.

Oh, he joined us for pizza afterwards, and I picked the pepperonis off his slice of pizza.

We had a lovely time.

Well, that does it for another installment of Let Me Be Frank.

Yeah, let's get into the mid-show, Let Me Be Frank.

Wow, how about that?

A part of the world.

There's a mid-show ring cam into Let Me Be Frank into a light googling for an idea for the big finale.

Part two of our matchup is Wendy's.

I also went on my own and dined in around the same time of day.

Now, this Wendy's is across the street from a middle school.

These

In-N-Out Burger and the Wendy's are like right now.

Are these the Culver ones?

Yeah, the Culver ones.

They're stone's throw away.

Less than a five-minute walk from door door to door.

I did not go back to back because I was like, I want an empty tummy.

I do not want to be like too full for this.

I don't want to rip off our friend Louis C.K.'s famous band.

Exactly.

Our dear friend.

Come back, Louis.

Miss you.

Have him on the Doughboys.

How much did that cost you in donations?

I think that would be the final donation, if I had a guess.

I did like, because we had that bit earlier, and I did have a moment of pause where I was like, should I do a bit where I am doing a black special needs character?

And then I was kind of like,

Trump's president again.

I think I could be, I think I could be Bubba.

The whole thing was fun.

You shouldn't have said that part.

What the fuck are you doing?

Dear Lord,

we're allowed to say Bubba again.

He loves shrimp, and he's bringing the shrimp.

He's got all kinds.

You can can imitate Bubba if you want now.

We're allowed to do Bubba.

You can do Forest.

Jenny's allowed to get AIDS.

Oh, what a horrible girl she was.

She almost gave Forrest AIDS.

More like AZT.

What a horrible lady.

She gave Haley Jill Osman.

She gave him AIDS.

I would have liked to hear a harmonica.

Should have gotten a harmonica.

Okay, so.

I prefer my lieutenants to not have lost their legs.

Man, it would be great to do Force Gum 2 just to have him meet a CG Trump.

Everything's computer.

Yes, Mr.

President.

Two of those guys meeting.

He's referring to himself.

Everything's computer.

He's talking about itself.

I'm all computer now.

Lieutenant Tan voted for me, and the actor who played him definitely voted for me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

So I went to the Wendy's.

It was across the street from the In-N-Out.

The vibes in a restaurant night and day.

It's like, it's like a packed restaurant versus like the Wendy's.

The Wendy's was just kind of like a bummer.

It was just, you know, a lot of unpoused people with no like public space to go in who are just like

hanging out there.

And so like, you know,

it was very different than the bustling sort of dynamic of

the In-N-Out burger.

I did think it was a good Wendy's outing.

The Dave's double I got, which is, you know, just basically their equivalent of In-N-Out burger.

And I really like that.

It's one of my go-to orders i like it more than the bacon ater and i i wasn't eating bacon for so long that i don't and i don't really miss the bacon at her so i was like i'll just get the double the dave's double that's my go-to really liked it um i'd not had success with the spicy nugs before but i was like i'll try the spicy buffalo nugs just to see how they are you see how they are in store because i've not had them in store before the saucy ones the saucy ones okay um and the uh and i also got

I also got a sour cream and chive baked potato because I'm not crazy about Wendy's fries.

And I thought it was a pretty good equivalent to the animal fries.

And I also got a vanilla frosty and an all-natural lemonade.

What were everybody else's orders?

And Mitch, you went last night.

I did.

Yeah.

Wise, I went last night.

We were filming all this bullshit that was worth it.

All worth it.

All worth it.

Great job by my, I guess, you know, I guess like the scripts were bad is probably a part of the issue, is what we wrote was pretty bad.

But

a wonderful execution of your garbage.

Yes, a wonderful execution of our garbage.

You guys ordered jersey Jersey Mics, and I had to pass up on Jersey Mics because I had to eat Wendy's.

And so I drove

Sophie's choice.

No, I'm sorry.

I can't.

I have to eat Wendy's for work.

This thing goes back to the uniqueness of the Wendy's run to the finale.

Wendy's Jersey Mics was the first-round matchup.

Why?

We opted to pick Jersey Mics for dinner for our own order when we were all tired and we were all shooting a bunch of bullshit.

You had to get Wendy's.

Let me tell you, Peter and Siddharma came back with that.

I came back with that Wendy's.

Yes.

lightning fast.

It did look really good.

I came back,

but I went and got my Wendy's and came back and went.

I was halfway through my Jersey Mike sandwich.

You left and came back, and it was like 10 minutes.

Yeah, very fast.

It was so fast.

It was super fast.

It's close enough.

It's not super far away from our studios.

But I went there and I got my spicy chicken sandwich.

I got

a number six large with a Coke Zero is what I got.

And I got a Dave single with cheese.

Yeah.

And then I got the Thin Mint Frosty Rise.

Oh, wow.

Okay.

I just got to say this.

I love that drink because you don't have to brush your teeth after you eat.

You just pound a bunch of Girl Scout cookies before bed.

I eat to pack my lips with thin mints like they're Zin Peggy.

They'll last a whole night.

Wake up with like black teeth.

I do

xyla melts now.

Do you know xyla melts?

I use the CPAP, so I use xyla melts, and it's just these things that melt in your mouth to keep your mouth

moist.

On it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Where are you talking about?

You stick them right on the side.

Whoa, that's awesome.

Wow.

You're afraid I'm going to choke the teeth.

I'm afraid if we're sharing an Airbnb on the road, I'm going to be fucking Heimlicking some fucking xylitol out of your mouth.

What is it?

Is it a lozenge?

What is it exactly?

It's a little thing that sticks inside your teeth.

It melts in your, it melts over the course of your teeth.

You'll wake up and it will be like dissolving.

Got it.

Yeah.

You you giving me cpr just shooting my guts out of my body

i get so winded out the 15th chest compression i go down next to you

and then wigerest uses hands on me and his cock on your chest

one body two body three body four body

how is the thinmint shaped

the thin bin Frosty, I got a chocolate, you can get vanilla or chocolate.

I thought it was pretty damn fantastic.

I attempted to get it and I failed.

They gave me chocolate frosty instead.

But I tasted yours.

I did think it was really good.

It's really good.

I prefer the regular chocolate frosty.

But so do I, though.

But it's a really good execution.

I like the regular frosty more, but like, but it, what it's because I don't like mint and chocolate, I don't like as much as just chocolate.

Yeah, it's a fun FDO.

Don't like vegetables, don't like mint.

Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm attracting it.

Too much green.

There's too much green in the thin mints.

But for what it was trying to do, it's like mushed up thin mint.

Wags.

But more than that, that spicy chicken sandwich, and you had had a bad visit to Wendy's on one visit.

Yeah.

My spicy chicken sandwich, I just want to say this.

Yes.

Just like Susser,

Susser and the Spicy Chicken Sandwich both had flu games.

The spicy chicken sandwich, Wendy's, is like Wendy's is, we did a restaurant revision on Wendy's.

Chain rescue.

Sorry, thank you for correcting it.

A chain rescue on Wendy's.

Yes.

We think it's so bad that it needs help.

It is certainly seen a noticeable thing.

This Cinderella run of Wendy's has been unbelievable.

And I was like, you're going to just think I'm being bullshit.

I gave you a bite of my spicy chicken sandwich, and was it not damn good?

No, it was very good.

I said it was like the best spicy chicken sandwich I had in like five years.

It was so fucking good.

Oh, that's awesome.

It was the chew game instead of the flu game.

Gabriel Spetsy, y'all had Wendy's pre-show as well.

What was your experience?

Spicy chicken sandwiches, both.

There's a little bit of a confusion, right?

Because

I got one spicy and one plain because I wanted to, I love a plain chicken, a non-spicy chicken sandwich.

But we ended up somehow with like more like six spicy chicken sandwiches.

Yeah, yeah.

Which is fine, not complaining.

I, uh, we're, uh, we're going to Wendy's after with Amelia to determine whose fault it is.

Hers or the person at Wendy's.

I'm going to be,

and it'll be all in the after-show.

I'm taking a follow-up.

I'm like, cops.

Go in there, Amelia.

See whose fault it was shooting it through the window.

So we both had spicy chicken sandwiches.

We both had regular and spicy nugs.

Yes.

And then

I got a junior bacon chi, which is on my Wendy's normal order.

I got a son of the baconator,

which is pretty much just a mini one.

And then fries in a Diet Dr.

Pepper.

And we like shared the fries and stuff.

Yeah, and I got a vanilla frosty.

If you want to do a little like head fry matchup, everyone asked Betsy if they can have a few fries.

No one asked me.

Nobody wanted those in and out fries.

Yeah, it makes sense.

And the Wendy's fries were popping.

The Wendy's barbecue sauce, I was impressed with.

Yeah, it's impressive.

I gotta say, Mitch, when you were talking about the spicy chicken sandwich, my mouth started watering.

Hell yeah.

I put one of those packets in your mouth.

The silent milk.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So let me talk through my Wendy's experience.

So I thought the Dave's double was very solid.

I thought the spicy buffalo nugs were unfortunately disappointing.

I just think it's a, I'm sorry, the saucy.

I should make it clear, the saucy buffalo nugs, not the spicy buffalo, the spicy nugs, which are a separate menu item.

These are not the dry guys.

These are the pre-sauce.

I think it's fundamentally a flawed concept, the idea of a saucy nugget.

Why are we doing that?

What's fun about a nugget is, you know, like everyone's trying this right now.

And KFC was trying it.

What's fun about a nugget is that you get to use your own amount of dip and that also that it's like it's like crispy.

Yeah.

Like you don't want that thing just sort of sitting in marinade.

So I think it fundamentally didn't work.

It gets into boneless wing territory, which kind of already

that's already being done better other places, and I hate it also.

I don't need that.

With like nuggets, it's so fun to do like a barbecue dunk by a ranch dunk by a honey mustard.

It's so fun to try it all.

Or if you're getting crazy like me, I'm pretty impressed with the move I pulled in the headgum.

I grabbed some of their honey sticks.

They did pop them up.

Oh, my God.

And put honey on my chicken nuggets.

Wow.

And I know sauce is lost in the boss and dip is in the rip or whatever.

We don't know what the fuck any of the rules are.

But Wags, you don't like the saucy nuggets.

You've

established it.

I wanted to try them.

I want to try the spicy buffalo in store and see what that experience is.

That's the reason I did it.

And I also was like, I love their spicy nuggets regular.

Their regular nuggets I think are great.

I love their spicy chicken sandwich.

I'll try something new just to, just for the sake of it, because I've been trying something new with each visit to these chains.

The sour cream chive baked potato was very good.

I think I love that Wendy's has baked potato.

If there's ever something like like, you know, BlackRock Capital or one of these fucking private equity firms buys Wendy and Wendy's and tries to min-max it and say, like, we'll have like, you know, 0.1% more profit if we get rid of the baked potato and the chilies.

Chili, if they ever do anything like that, I'm going to be so fucking mad.

I'm going to flip out on one of them.

Like, like, I'm going to flip out on BlackRock Capital like they're the fucking chat.

If they fucking take any of the Wendy's sides off the menu, which is just to be slightly more profitable.

Wendy's so fucking good, and it's so awesome that they have it.

Wendy's was so not a part of my childhood.

Like, if we got to choose a fast food place, we would never choose Wendy's.

Because to me, Wendy's was like for old people because of the baked potato and chili.

And then I like, to me, that's what makes it Wendy's.

That and square burgers, which they don't do anymore.

But for a while, like, that's what I think.

Oh, the burgers are not square?

They're square.

Oh, they are.

But that's there to kind of.

They're thicker, though, now.

They're thicker, yeah.

But that's like the,

it's like what happened with Steak and Shake, which a lot of, you know, I'm not from the Midwest.

I didn't grow up with Steak and Shake.

My experience with Steak and Shake is through Susser.

Glad he's back in the dead.

And

the issue with Steak and Shake is we've seen Sardar Sardar Baglari, who is this complete piece of shit.

And we see through their social media now, you know, they're just like pandering to Trump with all the maha stuff because they're just like, they're so crazy.

He's mismanaged the company so much that all he has now is to try to get these like fucking mega chuds to try to buy his restaurant for the meme factor, to use his restaurant for the meme factor.

Because he's completely stripped out everything that's unique about it.

They used to have these big, huge menus and table service.

And he was just like, let's get rid of all that.

Let's replace the table service with kiosks.

So you're ordering it a fucking robot, and then someone's bringing it out to your table.

It's just like, you've completely lost the charm.

You've lost why people go to this place.

And I'm just like, I'm catastrophizing that this happens to Wendy's at some point in the future.

Hopefully, it won't.

Because part of what I like about it is they have shit like a baked potato and they have shit like they're chili.

I can't imagine

hollow out much more money from Wendy's.

Yeah, I know.

I would think they're already operating at probably like a fucking bare minimum.

I can't believe the run Wendy's has had here.

And I'm going to say this.

And I will

say that something's going on in the other room.

I feel like you're going to be mad at me for this.

Yeah, go on.

The Dave single that I got from Wendy's was better than my single burger from In-N-Out.

I'm just going to say that.

May I say my son of the vacantator was better than my In-NOW.

Wow.

Okay, so Betsy and I both were really, we're Taco Bell experts.

We love In-N-Out.

We like Wendy's.

I truly was

surprised by Wendy's run.

Yes.

Not only in this tournament, not only in...

Now, you guys say Tacot.

I think it's tac-o-cot, but okay, there's one more of in there.

We can't eliminate one of the ofs.

But I got to say, I was so blown away by Wendy's.

I knew In-N-Out was going to fucking bring it, and they did.

But Wendy's, I was like, yeah, sure, I'll eat some Wendy's chicken.

I was fucking impressed.

It was so good.

So

just to finish off things, you know, what I was talking about, the vanilla frosty was great.

The vanilla shake from In-N Out Burger was better, but that's just like how I feel about their shake versus the Wendy's Frosty, whatever.

No new information.

The all-natural lemonade, I was surprised by this was horrible.

It tasted like the water was dirty, and it was like hot.

It came out like green temp.

Like, it was like all-natural lemonade.

We all make it multiple times a day.

The most natural lemonade of all, sweetheart.

That was a huge bummer.

Remember Will Farrell as the weird

art model?

Oh, yeah.

That's all.

Remember that?

The thinker

and the stinker.

We're doing a live live Andrew Lemons cake lemonade, which I got to do right now.

A live Chris Farley show without the actor here.

Yeah, without a Chris Farley.

Oh, my God.

Just for Chris Farley's going, did you have this spicy chicken sandwich?

It was great, right?

Yeah, it's pretty good, right?

It's pretty spicy, right?

He's like, it's because, because he's a nude model for an art class.

He's like, it seems the mighty Kong has arisen.

Yeah.

Oh, it seems as though the Mighty Kong.

God, it's good.

And as you can see, I'm grating on a curve.

Oh, God, it's a good skin.

Fucking disgusting.

Will Farrell's best up every day?

It's really good.

Very good.

Very good.

My fries were not great.

Yeah, I'm not crazy about Wendy's.

I'm not crazy about Wendy's fries, their current ration of the fries.

They changed their fries.

They definitely changed their fries.

I do like their baked potato a lot, though.

So that's the thing.

It's like, I'll just get the baked potato.

I love it.

Or I'll get their chili.

And I love that they have those options.

We got to send you into Black Rock.

You do your thing.

Yell at everybody.

Let me say this.

This is awesome.

Let me say this.

After this experience, I was like, well, I clearly have my decision.

Like, I just, I just know, you know, I know what I, frankly, I thought it was all over for Wendy's.

Wow.

And then I was riding the bus home from seeing a documentary on the Am Shinriko cult, which killed, you know, a dozen people on the Tokyo subway with Sarah Nerve gas.

And it's a great documentary.

It's just called Aum.

I highly recommend it.

You were worried about how you were going to come off in that documentary.

Did you come off okay?

Yeah, it was great.

Okay, good.

That was a really good point.

I was riding the train home after watching the documentary about a terrorist attack on a train.

Smile on his face.

I was on the bus, if I said training.

I was on the bus, and I looked over, and there was a bus bench ad, and it said, I took this as a sign, family is love.

And this bench ad was for the Dave Thomas Foundation.

Whoa, and so I was like, wild.

The ghost of Dave Thomas has spoken.

Yes.

I have to go back to give Wendy's Wendy's a fighting chance.

So I went back.

For your seventh Wendy's of the month.

I went back.

Oh, my God.

This is beautiful, Wise.

I love this.

And I dined in again.

I got the spicy chicken sandwich.

Wow.

Mitch, like yours last night, it was so fucking good.

The chicken breast was perfectly hot inside.

You know

when you take a bite into it, like a chicken breast, and it's like, it's crispy on the outside.

It's got that perfect texture, but the inside is like just on the cusp of being too hot.

Like it would have burned your tongue.

My mouth is like five degrees hot.

You have to kind of hold the food in your mouth and breathe.

But it's so good.

It's like exactly what you want.

Yes.

You sit with like a burning hot.

Oh, I know this experience very well.

It was so fucking good.

When you see your breath indoors,

that's the word.

That's the worst thing.

I love when mayo gets hot on those sandwiches.

Yeah, I do, yeah.

Because it's just, it's just a spicy chicken breast, lettuce, tomato, and mayo.

I am something of a heat seeker, so you know, I love the spicy one over the regular one.

It's a simple sandwich.

And I would have gotten the spicy nugs, but I was like, what I haven't gotten this month is the regular nugget.

So I just got regular chicken nuggets, but they have a Ghost Pepper Ranch dipping sauce, which comes on their Ghost Pepper Sandwich.

I got that as my dipping sauce.

And you know what?

It was only okay on the sandwich, but as a sauce, as a dipping sauce, I loved it.

Like it was a great amount of heat, a great amount of ranch flavor.

And then again, just those nuggets were just so perfectly crisp and hot in restaurant.

I also got an unsweetened iced tea that was hitting, but I had that.

And if I'm thinking this in terms of what the original rules, i know that the whole menu is on the menu as decreed by uh commissioner susser but if i'm thinking this in terms of the regular rules

and it's chicken versus burgers wow yeah you know it might be a different conversation yeah it was i'm really glad i went back Why?

Because I'm happy you went back.

And let me just say, I didn't need to go back to In N Out Burger.

I've had In-N Out Burger so many times and I had In-N-Out Burger at its absolute peak.

So I was like, I know my verdict on In-N-Out Burger.

There's nothing on this menu that I haven't had before.

I know what I think about.

I was coming home from seeing a documentary about the DC sniper,

and I look over, and I see a letter from Paul to the Corinthians,

and I go, it's a sign.

I got to get you now.

I got to get you out again.

Because every day in a fucking psychic loop,

I truly thought I was walking in here going to say in-and-out and get the fuck out of here.

And now I'm truly, it's fucking, it's a real matchup.

Now I don't know anymore.

One real quick question.

Yeah, please.

If they, you know, the spicy, the saucy nuggets.

Yes.

If they were to have that saucy, but as a chicken sandwich, would you have liked it more as a saucy chicken sandwich?

Yes, I believe I would have.

I think I, just from your discussion, but not as much as the spicy, the spicy chicken sandwich is one of those.

Yeah, right.

What's so good about it is that it's the it's pretty spicy for how like it's not not a lot going on there.

Yeah.

And I slide that tomato off as the ladies know.

And it was fucking so impressive.

It was so good.

It was so terrible.

And the other thing I will, like, just what you said, what you're describing is like to me, a Buffalo chicken sandwich, which I like.

I think those work.

We need to, Mitch, we need to crown a champion.

But before we do that, there's one additional award we must give out.

We do it every tournament.

That's right, Wages.

The heart of a champion.

The heart of a chompian.

This award goes to an individual group or object that has displayed extraordinary metal this tournament.

Past winners include Five Guys, Armin Weitzman, Super Mario, The Fans,

Grimace,

BJ Spuzuki, Italians, Lids,

Lids, which famously defeated Casey.

Sorry, Casey.

And then, of course, Gidget the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

Yes.

Our nominees for this year.

We've got quite a few.

Delivery drivers, of course.

Thank you for your service.

George Foreman, whose grill we mentioned for his grill.

That was a very respectful tribute, Mitch.

Your Wonder Wall.

My wonder what my mind is.

There is about the George Foreman drills George Foreman.

I've got 11 missed calls from George Foreman, or all 11 George Foreman's have called me.

Wags, Jared for being brave in prison all these years.

Yeah, Jared Fogle.

We also, of course,

Jared Foggle for modding the subreddit.

Thank you, Jared.

And Wendy, the anti-Jared.

Yes, and the curvy anti-Jared.

As we established

Jemmy, Jemmy, of course.

Jemmy, of course.

Johnny's got big old Diddies.

We know that.

The white boards, which we've used all tournament.

That's right.

Yes, the white boards.

Yeah.

They probably won't win because of DEI.

And then I finally.

I'm glad we did that joke still.

The ring chime, Wags were protecting Wally and Irma, which was also a part of the bitch.

Yeah.

David Lynch, his last name kind of sounds like Lunch.

But Wags, I honestly, I want to say,

it's been 10 years,

and this show hasn't been possible without our listeners and the support that people have given us over the years.

It's true.

We're ultimately very blessed.

And I know I lashed out earlier.

I want to do that on occasion.

I think Mitch and I will occasionally blow our stack at people, but we're blowing our stack at an individual.

We're like one turd.

You know what I mean?

And so

I feel like it's like...

Also, maybe a person who had a bug.

He might have had a bug on his computer.

Maybe he had a bug on his computer.

But, you know, and it was too dumb to to me.

Maybe it was a 12-year-old girl whose dad set it up for her, and it was like her first time watching her favorite podcast.

That's a possibility.

That's a possibility.

How was it, honey?

Don't ask.

I told you the sound was off.

The other thing I was going to say is

on balance, like we are so grateful to our fans.

They're such a great community.

We love our Discord.

We've been saying the subreddit is good again.

And of course, you and I are extremely blessed.

Everyone supports us on Patreon and tunes into things like the live stream and will hopefully join us for the live

reverse call-in show number on the screen.

Text it with your phone number.

That's right.

There's another hour of this shit after this.

Even it's scheduled for longer, but it won't be too long.

So.

Right?

All right.

Right.

We're like a half hour behind already.

We're doing great.

Oh, perfect.

We give our listeners a lot of shit, Mitch.

Yeah.

But I will say,

and Emma pointed this out.

There's something else we give a lot of shit.

Our toilets.

Wise, that is a great point.

And toilets have been with us since day one of this podcast.

And with all the food we eat and then shit out of our bodies out of our assholes, that has to go from our assholes to somewhere.

You guys just got into toilets around the time of the start of this podcast.

Yeah,

I was late to the toilet game.

The first time I've ever used one was start of this podcast.

Fuck.

You didn't have this at feral audio.

There was one.

Just Harmon was in there the whole time.

It's a story circle.

Wages, so you're telling me that it's between the listeners and toilets.

Oh, these are the same picture.

And Mitch, I have a feeling we both have the same winner.

I agree, Wags.

Toilets, you're the winner.

You winner, gents.

You have the hardest company.

Emma, can we get a 10 flush salute?

Here it comes.

Toilets, they take all the Doughboy shit without complaining.

Actually, mine has started a moan.

But that's a good moan.

Lord, daddy.

Oh, yeah, we can't hear the 10-flush salute.

Well, they're headphones.

You're getting headphones.

Same as always.

They're never going to play it live in the room because they fuck with the mic.

You know, it's only year 10.

We'll sort it.

I've been petting Jemmy for two straight hours.

I just binached it.

She looks cute as shit.

She loves it.

She's so cute.

All you need, get stoned, do some bits with your friends, pet a dog, eat some

heaven on earth.

Jemmy's.

I'm joking.

I know you were.

I smelled the weed when you came in.

I smelled the weed when you came in.

I'm not a no.

I told the R.A.

immediately.

Marty Michael, get back to work.

I know you left at one.

Emma, is that all 10 flushes?

That was all 10 flushes.

Wow, that was

about two minutes.

We love our toys.

10 flushes?

That's me twice every morning.

So much more pleasing.

Good, healthy morning.

It was such a more pleasant listening experience than the Noid song.

You were running water.

It was tranquil.

All right, if you are listening to this live, again, stick around for the post-show reverse call-in show where we will be calling you the freaks.

And if you're listening to this in the main feed on the podcast, you can buy the replay at moment.co slash doboys to see the full video including the pre-show and the post-show which won't be in the podcast feed uh so go ahead moment.co slash doughboys again if you're on the patreon there is a discount code you can use to buy the replay as well and you can also sign up for the patreon and then uh you know you can use that code after you've signed up for the patreon to basically get a free month and also get to see uh the the streams so check that out holy shit check it out

oh yeah oh yeah we also have merch madness in partnership with kinship Goods.

Kinship Goods is

it kinshipgoods.com slash Doughboys?

Is that the URL?

And then if you use the code Totcock, the code Totcock will get you 20% off of all Doughboys merch, plus a free Jemmy button, which is so cute.

So get that Jemmy button, get 20% off your merch, and buy the replaymoment.co slash Doughboys.

This is it, the champion of chompions.

Which chains food is going to the merch people?

Whose name will forever be engraved on the Dave Thomas Cup?

Let us

distribute the whiteboards and write down our our answers.

You know what?

I'm very happy you two are here for us, with here with us for this moment.

This is the truth to you.

Two great friends of the show, two of the best in all of podcasting.

We're so honored to be here.

It's always a highlight of my year.

What?

It's nothing.

What are you doing?

Weren't we supposed to shake his other hand at some point?

We were going to do the...

Oh,

you don't.

Yeah, when we went on the P body, we're going to shake his hands.

Oh, shake hands.

That's one thing.

But it was awkward the way staging it was.

There were just too many bodies.

All right.

Sorry.

we had to shake hands at some point.

Anyways, back to the show.

Oh, boy.

We do have one more bit.

We can just remember that.

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Don't forget that.

Yeah, okay.

Gabris, Betsy, two of the funniest people in the world.

And we love you, Paul.

Two people like us

who could, you know, in a different world could have had our podcast and a more successful version of it because you're both funnier.

But like, also, like, you also really have to.

But neither of us are a captain.

I mean, they are funny.

You need a captain.

I'd like to be the one who says it instead of you.

But also, like,

the thing I was going to say is, like, we know you both love this food the way we love this food.

Like, you love to eat this kind of, yeah, I say this affectionately trash.

And so, we're so glad to have you here for the 10th tournament finale.

Oh, it means so much to be here.

Like, I'm such a fan of the pod, and to be a part of it is always exciting.

And then to come with Betsy and honestly, love you guys, but the hour of just eating fast food with Betsy and a headcomp.

We should do that once.

I I mean, we do.

That was what was fun about seeing.

I've talked about it before, but seeing the monkey with the action boys, is that we're not monetizing this in any way.

We're just hanging out with our friends.

As a matter of fact, Nick treated us, and then Nick refused to use the Doughboys card.

He wanted it to be from Nick Franklin because then it feels like a business thing, right?

Yeah.

And Mitch and I tag team the waitress.

Jesus Christ.

Tagged her and tagged her.

CaseyMakesMovies.com to watch.

We're calling it the only fat Eiffel Tower of the Year.

Wait, what are you guys writing down?

Write down the ones you die.

Write down the winner.

No, write down the winner.

Fuck, I'm so torn.

Oh, my God.

I've written my winner down.

This is not an easy decision for me.

I certainly know no one.

There are no, I don't fly any false flags.

People know where my loyalties lie.

He drew the super S.

He drew that big S from like a from like a

S.

So cool.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's such a good S.

It's such a good S.

No Pinky.

Should we get that tattoo?

No, Pinky.

Should we get that S tattoo?

Oh, yeah.

Me and Betsy are going to get matching Taco Bell tattoos.

If anybody else is,

I love it.

We're inspired by Weiger Tiger Thigh Girl.

Are you going to pick?

Well, you got some thigh tattoos of your own.

They're very cool.

Do you have a place on your body picked out for them?

No, we haven't really picked out exactly what the design is yet.

We're torn between like a cheesy Gordita crunch and or like some bell representation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It could be on the bell.

Interesting.

Let's see.

I would have fallen.

Potato soft taco.

I'll say mine's a potato soft taco.

Mine's a CGC.

I was fine with the B with the B5L.

I could do it.

You introduced me to that item, by the way.

I love that item.

I feel you introduced it to me as well.

Yeah.

We've been very mean to it just over the last, but you know what?

It's a thing that does not, if you're not.

I've got a new way of eating it that is just the best.

So next time you get it, do what I do.

I call it go-gurt style.

You bite the end off, spit it out, and then suck all the beet and cheese out.

Oh my gosh.

You gotta have like 15 of them while you drive.

While you drive.

Has everyone made their decision?

Yes.

Okay.

I will count down from three to one.

We will flip the whiteboards over.

Oh my God.

And we will say

aloud our answers in unison.

And we've decided since we only ever put In-N-Out in Wendy's on the cup, we just will remove one of the winners from the cup.

That's all we have to do.

We only ever put In-N-Out and Wendy's on that cup.

We've done 10 of these.

I guarantee no one does that.

Yes, it won't happen still.

It won't happen.

Three,

two,

one.

Wendy's.

Oh, my God.

Three to one verdict.

Wendy's win.

Wendy's win.

Watch Madness 10.

MMX, the tournament champions, Todd Cock.

What a Cinderella run!

Cinderella has red hair!

Oh my goodness!

Wow!

Wendy!

Wow!

We are the chomps!

Champions!

My friend!

This is the last miss he talked about.

And we'll keep on eating

till the end.

She's a chomp.

Oh, choppy battery.

We are the chompions.

We are the champions.

No time for

the champions

of the world.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

What a verdict.

What a shot.

What a run for Wendy's.

That's our show.

John Gabris, Betsy Sedaro, Emma, Amelia, Casey, Mike, all did so much work on this.

Thanks to Susser, thanks to Usong.

Thanks to the Noid.

Stick around for the live post-show

reverse call-in show.

Look at how bad mine are.

I drew the S and I wrote In N Out with Kevin Klein.

I drew

a very crude Wendy's.

Wow, Wags, Wendy's.

I can't believe it.

I just thought they deserved it more.

I agree.

I'm just.

I'm just glad the tournament played out the way it is.

Stick around for our live post-show reverse call-in show.

Until then, so it'll be like, what, 10 minutes from now?

We'll take a little bit of a break to get set up, but we're gonna order something.

We're gonna write

one wipe.

Oh my god, so stick around for that.

And let's end the podcast proper as we always do.

Until next time for the Spoonman Mike Mitchell, I'm Tiger Waggery.

Happy eating.

See ya.

Wow, it's merch madness over at Kinship Goods.

Get 20% off of all Doughboys merchandise, plus a free Jemmy button at kinshipgoods.com/slash Doughboys with code TOTCOC.

That's T-O-T-C-O-C.

And get the video replay at moment.co/slash Doughboys.

That was a hit gum podcast.