UNLOCKED! Creature Eater with Andrea Jin

This is a head gum podcast.

Hey, buddy, this week's main feed episode is a free preview of the Doughboys Double.

Subscribe at patreon.com/slash Doughboys.

Wow.

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It's a weekend built for discovery, connection, and unforgettable culinary moments.

Tickets are going fast, so head to foodandwineclassicincharleston.com to grab yours before they're gone.

Welcome to Dough Boys Double.

I'm Nick Weiger, along with the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell, Mitch.

Scrub Daddy is norm.

We were just talking about this.

We were saying Shark Tank is cheers.

Right.

The establishment TV, the legacy brand, and television is now shark tank as opposed to a sitcom like Cheers or a, you know, a drama like ER.

So, Scrub Daddy is norm.

Scrub Daddy is norm from Cheers.

What the hell's happened?

What's happened?

It's the rod of our culture.

But also, like, you know, whatever.

Fucking time moves on.

Yeah.

I mean, like, people listen to us.

That's true.

So, you know, culture is, culture's, we're, yeah.

We're in, it feels like we're in the last years of it, right?

Like, I mean, Doughboys is Caroline in the City.

Oh, my God.

Kind of like a lower-tier sitcom that people are kind of aware of.

Oh, yeah, I've heard of that show.

That's such a show's not funny, right?

That's such a

insult to Caroline and the City.

I'd be so mad.

Caroline in the City probably had like 40 million people watching each episode live each week.

Yes.

Because it's so crazy what the scale of network TV was in like the 80s and 90s.

Yeah.

Before like cable had reached critical mass and

when there were just so many people watching.

Where were you when signed, Wags?

I watched it live.

I watched it live at home.

I remember watching

when the cheers finale was on.

I remember seeing on the news.

I actually don't remember watching the cheers finale, even though I'm sure we had it on.

Yeah.

But I remember on the news and like whatever, WHDH in Boston, like the cast was at cheers and they were like celebrating.

That's funny.

It was like, it was like live from.

That's a cool thing to do.

Yeah.

So you saw that on Boston Local News.

Oh, Boston Local News.

Wow, that's awesome.

I mean, I remember it being like a big news story.

That was like, you know, that shit would be.

I don't know what to be talking about.

Now Scrub Daddy is Norm.

Now Scrub Daddy is Norm.

Who won Survivor Season 1?

Richard Hatch.

Richard Hatch.

Casey knows.

Casey was just talking about Survivor.

Are you a big Survivor head?

I'm a big Survivor fan.

I was talking about how there's players on the game who were born after the show had started.

There was a Weiger on Survivor.

I wanted to get her on.

Wait, what?

She was great.

She was

like Caroline Wiger.

Are we related to her?

No.

Oh, well.

That's still interesting.

She's not coming on.

Have you ever encountered another Wiger that wasn't a part of my family?

It's not a common name.

There was a Mitchell on the Patriots.

Oh, that's the fucking same.

That's the same, Mitch.

I've never encountered another Erbrink either.

Yeah,

when you have kind of a unique last name, you're like,

it's shocking to see it in the wild.

Mitchell is a pretty common last name, I guess, but I don't know a ton of yeah, Donovan Mitchell, Davion Mitchell, those are two current NBA players.

I know, but there's not a ton of Mitchell.

It's still a pretty common name.

It's not that common.

It's not on the same scale as Weiger.

Okay, yes.

Weiger is a weirder name.

So when you hear about a Caroline Weiger, you were shocked for a second.

Yeah.

You know what?

I'll be happy today.

There's zero Wigger.

Our guest today, is stand-up comedian writer for Digman, the late, late show in her album Grandma's Girl.

And hey, if you're in L.A., you can see her live at Dynasty Typewriter coming up May 12th as part of Netflix is a Joke.

Andrea Jan is back.

Andrea, thanks so much for making time for us.

Hi, thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Oh, my God.

We're excited to have you back.

I'm excited to come back.

Thank you.

You know, a lot of people don't feel that way.

They don't, they're not excited.

They don't want to return to the show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, honestly, we've had people on and then we're like, hey, you want to come back?

And then the response is kind of like,

Maybe.

I mean, it's the truth.

It is the truth.

Well, because you very often for the show have to eat bad food.

And

also the show like sucks.

And now you have to go in, like, now we're in person.

So it's like more of an ask versus hopping on like a Zoom call, you know.

But it's Caroline in the city.

We might be more a Dahmra and Dahmra and Greg.

Kind of a Dharma and Greg, yeah.

Yeah.

I think Dahmer and Greg.

I know they're Chuck Lorry.

but oh, you gotta watch Dharma Greg.

You gotta watch Dharma and Greg.

Do a rewatch.

You're gonna thank us later.

Maybe.

Do you have favorite sitcoms over the years?

What's your number one?

I grew up watching The Office.

See, this is also makes us feel old.

Yeah.

But yes, that makes me think.

It's a generational thing.

But I know a lot of people are like, yeah, really, The Office is their go-to, which is a single cam, obviously.

Yeah.

But like a classic multi-cam sitcom.

Was there ever, was there like a kids' show you were into?

Was there like a Canadian show or something that you were into at a certain point?

The multi-cam I watched growing up was Friends.

Oh, Friends.

Okay.

But it was like the DVD box set.

Sure, yeah.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah.

I auditioned for The Office.

So we're, not the original, but I auditioned.

Remember when

Michael Scott's nephew was on the show?

Do you remember that episode?

It was originally going to be Kathy Bates.

nephew.

Right.

And so I auditioned for that role.

And

Allison Jones, the great casting director who cast me in love.

And I love her.

She's great.

I love you.

I was so nervous for that audition.

I remember I was working at The Simpsons.

I was very nervous.

And I went in and I did the audition.

And she went, that was well memorized.

Oh.

And I was like, oh, thank you.

And then she's like, I'm going to have you read for like another part.

And then I just bombed the hell out of it.

I mean, I was shaking at that point.

Jonesy putting through me through the you know what I mean put me through some tests I would not understand the subtext there I would not get that it was a backhanded compliment I'd just be like thanks yeah I did memorize it well so do I have the part name

I can memorize lots of things

aren't you supposed to memorize like because I know some auditions nowadays they say like

actors aren't required to memorize yes do they say that as just like a I love casting directors I shouldn't go in on casting directors but I remember this is a thing that Harris would tell us from like i mean also i was reading one-line roles but harris whittles was yeah i was like do you like memorize it and he was like he's like you don't have to he's like but we always pick the people who do it that you look better like you are saying that of us not an explicit expectation

it is they they kind of do expect you to do it which is and then they give you like 11 pages to memorize auditions are a mess you still aren't in rooms for what reason i don't know it's bullshit you know any sort of job like this any sort of freelance thing where you have to constantly be submitting yourself is a little bit degrading.

Sure.

There's a version of it for writers that isn't quite as work-intensive, but also is like similarly dehumanizing.

Sometimes it's more work.

I mean, it's a good idea.

It can be if you have to write like a packet or something like that.

But it just depends.

But yeah, that's like the case in a lot of fields.

It's not like a state of war.

Packet wars.

Jack was a big part of the packet war.

Remember?

He was a big Jack Allison.

Packet War.

Just like there were a lot of places that were asking for like basically like 20 pages worth of material.

Yeah, so basically what like, okay, so, and I remember this from when I submitted to be a daily show writer, like over a decade ago, obviously didn't get the job, but, but, like, that was a thing where they wanted you to basically write an entire episode of the daily show on your own and send it in.

And that would be your writing sample, and it would be current to this week's news.

So, they knew that it was something that was original.

And obviously, that's like a week's worth of work.

Like, that's an insane amount of work to ask for one person.

But that's like the, that was like, there were, that tended to be the case for any sort of like, like, talk show or variety show or sketch show versus if you're writing for a sitcom, you're writing for a drama, it's like, I have this, this existing work sample that I can send in, but for something that's more topical, they're like, we want you to write something current, something specific to our show.

So we see you can capture our voice and we see that also you can work at this sort of like a

on a deadline like this.

Right.

But, but so, so yeah, there was a big sort of online brouhaha that ended up in an in-person meeting that I attended and got some reforms on the writing side yeah but it was a wild time our old buddy adam was there adam con over there adam con over is a big time spearheaded uh you know improving this stuff so you know he's done a lot of good did his hair grow at all during the meeting

like the grinch's heart

he was very very helpful lovely man

um i uh i do wonder if it had to have like from the 80s and 90s into the 2000s that the expectations had to have grown right like they i'm just saying like with even with auditions like it used to have to be faxed to you or like a courier would send them over they started asking for more and they started paying less it's like it's a story of fucking everything in our economy it's just like there's there's there's more work required for less payoff i would like to hear from like people who submitted in the 90s and 80s and actors in the 90s if you're any out there

um

probably not i think anyone over the age of like we have a weird thing where we do have older listeners but they're just our age and then young kids also don't like us Yeah, it just is basically like 40-year-old dweebs.

Yes, right.

Yeah.

And I think, like, like an older, you know, like, like, some of our older listeners, they don't want to listen to this nonsense, right?

Yeah, I don't.

I mean, I, you know, we have some older listeners.

I don't know.

I think we have to go to the bottom of the

oldest listener.

Let's find our oldest listeners.

Let us know.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure that we, there was a granny who listened to us for a grandma who yeah, she didn't like being called a granny, is the thing.

You started calling her a hip granny.

I remember.

This was was like Doughboys year one.

So I didn't help.

So she probably doesn't listen to the show anymore.

I thought it was a cool.

Yeah.

What is she like?

40?

You're like a granny.

We had a.

First off, real quick on the money thing,

I worked on an award show with a guy who wrote on the tonight show with Jay Leno for 19 years, 19 years of doing monologue jokes.

Exactly.

He was a work today.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm thinking of his day-to-day.

Exactly.

But like 19 years of writing monologue jokes for Leno.

And to give some context of where that put him financially,

when we were in the writer's room, he took a call at a certain point because he was selling one of his three houses.

And yeah.

And I, you know, when I, last time I worked on a talk show, everyone in the writer's room was renting and, you know, struggling to some degree.

So it's just, it was just a completely different world.

Should have kept me around a little longer.

The other thing is,

the other thing is that meeting that we had about writer's packets with Adam Conover and Jack Allison, a bunch of other people, Joe Saunders was there.

Emily Fleming and John Gutierrez, I think, from the Midnight Room were there.

James Corden attended in person.

And I won't tell this full story here,

but Corden and Jack Allison got in a fight.

And I was sitting between them.

Oh.

So I was like,

I was sitting next, James Corden was to my right and had introduced himself for like early on and said something.

This is like a, this is like not another teen movie level thing of like you getting smushed by two sumos, basically.

I felt like

Henry Hill watching Joe Pesci yell at Billy Bats and Goodfellows.

It's like up the clock.

Oh, God.

Anyway, so.

oh man, I wish I could have seen that.

Jack was probably very funny.

I won't get into it.

Jack was absolutely in the right.

I won't get into it because it's a last time I posted anything about this, like I had the, like the BBC was like, and the Daily Mail wanted to ask me for comment because they were like, oh, he's a big deal over there, whatever.

We're behind the paywall.

It's fine.

Corden's off the air now.

Corden introduced himself before.

We're going to derail things if I told you.

I'll say this.

Corden was nice to me when I did his show.

A lot of people like him.

A lot of people don't like him.

He sat next to me.

He introduced himself and said, hello, I'm James.

And then I was like, oh, wow, it's James Corden.

How about that?

It's cool that he's here.

And then he...

This is a section with like James Corden Paddington.

It's like kind of an English crew.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Prince Andrew is there.

The Brits are all seated together.

They're friends.

And Jack Ellison was sitting to my left.

When the floor opened up, Corden said something insane and completely out of touch and was clearly the one millionaire there.

And Jack fucking screamed at him

to the point where a third party had to be like, hey, man, take it off.

Paddington.

Yeah, Paddington gone.

Hey, come on.

Let's have some marmalade.

Jack and Corden both eating marmalade.

This is fucking good.

All right.

It was crazy.

So, Andrea, before we began, we were talking about how we're, because we're recording this one in advance.

This one's going in the Doughboys Frank Bank, but this is coming out a little bit later.

We recently ended our Taco Bell tournament as of this episode's release.

Frank Bank is a gross name.

I just remember that we call it the Frank Bank.

Do you have another pitch?

No, I like it.

It is just disgusting.

Yeah.

You just have to acknowledge that it is.

Yeah,

I just had to say it.

Well, I love it forever.

You're like, I love it.

It's just gross.

I love it forever, but it is disgusting.

You know what I also love forever?

That McDonald's, the WacDonald's

sweatshirt.

It looks amazing.

Yeah, thanks, Thanks, buddy.

That's what I'm wearing right now.

Okay, so I tried the sauce.

McDonald's.

This sounds like it's brand new content.

It's not.

I went to McDonald's and tried the sauce.

What sauce?

They have a new WacDonald's sauce.

Oh.

Which now will be out of,

it won't be there anymore.

This was going to the Frank Bank.

We're recording in advance.

The sauce.

Have you tried it yet?

No, I haven't.

I think you will like it.

I bet I will like it.

Yeah.

We never do that anymore.

We used to like taste new things.

We don't taste it.

We don't do that.

We don't do it anymore.

We don't do it.

Well, it's also tough in an episode.

We never do it anymore.

If you tasted the sauce now, people would be like, why are they tasting the sauce?

This came out two months ago.

We don't do it anymore.

We do do it.

We absolutely do it.

Emma, we've been doing it.

Mitch is wrong.

We need more of that, I guess.

It's not like it used to be.

When we first started the pod.

Oh, man.

Those were

right, man.

That was your scrub daddy.

So we wrapped up our Taco Bell tournament.

You're a fan of Taco Bell.

I love Taco Bell.

What's your standard order?

I get two Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme with just the ground beef one.

Yeah.

And then I get a chicken chalupa

supreme and sometimes cheesy Gordita Crunch.

Are there TBs and

the winner of the tournament?

That's right.

Wow, really?

I just got what you're doing.

We don't know what the winner winner is yet.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh.

And Hillary's president.

Yeah.

Hillary's president.

Early.

They did it early.

Oh, wait, is it a voting thing?

Do other people vote?

Yeah, we were going to vote.

Yeah, it's a lot of voting.

But

what would be your number one vote would be the Doritos Locos Taco Supreme?

I don't think GZ Gorn Dida Crunch would win.

Wow.

I think it's a favorite for me.

I know that you like it as well.

I do like it.

We'll know as of this episode released what the champion ultimately was.

Right, right.

Chompian, rather.

Like, it's going to be something stupid.

Yeah.

It'll be like

Mexican pizza.

Oh, yeah.

Honestly, it fucking might win.

Small drink won.

Yeah.

All right.

That's the small drink.

Not even any flavor you want.

No, no, it was a small cup.

Easier to hold.

The water cup.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The cup of water went away with the Dave Thomas cup wearing the belt.

Okay, so

I'm curious because I know you're from Canada.

Do you have, is Taco Bell much of a presence up there?

No, we only have it in outskirts of town.

Wow, okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

For some reason, there's like one only, and you have to drive very far for it.

Remind me, you're from Vancouver?

I'm from Vancouver.

Okay.

We've been a few times.

He...

Look, I'm going to call you out.

Yeah.

He hated Vancouver.

The first time we went, I hated it.

We had a bad experience.

What happened?

We went.

It was snowing.

Yeah, that's right.

I don't like the of cold.

He doesn't like the cold.

It was snowing.

It was kind of a crazy storm.

It was also.

It doesn't get too, too bad, right?

It doesn't get as bad as East Coast.

Sure, yeah.

It was also like we were doing Doughboys Live up there.

It was the end of a tour, so we were like fucking tired.

And then it was like a weird show and a bad crowd.

It was a very drunk Canadian.

They were fucking drunk and like not fun.

Yeah.

That sucks.

To fucking yell at a guy.

Some drunk lady grabbed

a susser's dick and my ass at the same time, one with each hand.

And fucking nothing happens when I don't go with you.

I didn't get shit.

I didn't get grabbed.

She was a married lady.

She was so drunk.

She was super, yeah, she was super drunk.

And

it was one of those things where her friend was clearly like didn't want to be there and was also pissed off that she had to like babysit her drunk friend at the meet and grate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Maybe she, maybe she

maybe, maybe she grabbed for my dick and I i missed it you know what i mean

well i told like because she went she did like we're trying to like okay hey cool hey thanks for coming all right don't you know whatever like tried to end their interaction quickly quickly and then when she went away i turned to sesa i said she grabbed my ass and and she and sester was like she grabbed my dick and we realized she did it simultaneously

and there i was in the middle fucking

not getting anything

the hell bullshit i'm mad i'm mad i'm mad i'm mad for me me, too.

It's bullshit.

Wag's a baby.

He got assaulted and he doesn't like.

Hey, the second time we went to Vancouver, we had a lovely time.

We went back there.

Yeah, and we had a great shot.

Did we do it a third time or just twice?

I think, did we maybe do it a third time?

We did.

We went up there with.

I remember this was like

2020, early 2020.

We do Toronto once.

No, we never did Toronto.

Oh, we never did Toronto.

We did Saskatoon and we did Vancouver.

This is the only community.

Oh, no, then I think we did Vancouver three times.

So the last time we went to Vancouver, whether that was second or third, we did the Off-Book Did Our Show, and then we did Off-Book afterwards.

And that was a lot of fun.

Oh, that was great.

But the crowd was great.

And then we did another.

Oh, no, because they did our show.

I think we were just there for two days.

Yeah.

That's what it was.

But

that was like right before the pandemic.

Oh.

Yeah.

But we did ANW Canada, which we talked about with your episode on your episode.

I love ANW Canada.

ANW Canada was awesome.

I loved it up there.

Sorry your ass got grabbed, by the way.

I'm not trying to make like.

Oh, no, I didn't think you were.

Yeah.

That's fine.

Yeah, that's wild.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Drunk lady.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, drunk lady.

What the hell?

Come on.

What do you do?

Do you guys do anything special when you do like different cities?

Do you do something where you eat something from the city?

Yeah, we do.

Yeah.

We usually, that's why we did ANW Canada up there.

It's like, but hey, we obviously don't have it here.

So let's get it when we're in Vancouver.

Yeah, we almost always go to a local spot unless there's a national spot that's associated associated with that locality.

Right, right, right, right.

Like we would, I, we, we haven't, but like, if we did, if we did a Dunkin' Donut show in Boston, that would be appropriate, right?

You know, oh, is that where it's like, we should.

Is that where it's from?

It's from not only from Boston, it's from Mitch's hometown of Quincy, Massachusetts.

Whoa.

My hometown, Lakewood, California, home of Denny's.

Whoa.

I always thought Denny's was Canadian because in Canada, when they do Denny's, the apostrophe is a Canadian maple leaf.

That's fun.

Yeah.

So so I was like, oh, this is for sure a Canadian company.

They took it.

Yeah, they did.

Can I just

the hometown breakfast throwdown?

The hometown.

I get what you're trying to say.

I'm saying the hometown breakfast battle.

Hometown breakfast battle.

That one was pretty good.

Denny's versus Dunks.

Pretty good.

It could be pretty good.

Ooh, yeah, you guys should do that.

Long Beach versus Quincy.

Yeah.

Well, it's a Lakewood, but more specifically than Long Beach.

Lakewood versus also, AW is not from Canada.

Yeah, no, it's not.

It's like an American brand, and then they opened Canadian branches and then they splintered ownership.

So it's a completely separate entity with the same that owns the brand north of the border.

When I googled that, I was like, what the fuck?

Isn't that wild?

Yeah, I got mad.

And it's still good down here, but it's on another level in Canada.

Yeah, it's better.

I can tell you for real, you saying Splinter made me think of Koalak, and I got to cancel plans with him tonight.

He's our friend that we compared to a rat a lot.

So Splinter the Rat made me think of Koala.

Right.

And I got to cancel plans.

I don't want to hang out with him tonight.

It's all negative.

There's no point.

There's no point

where it's like a good.

No, there's nothing nice.

Nothing nice or good about it.

I don't want to hang out with him tonight.

The rat, Splinter the Rat, reminded me of him.

Yeah.

I do love him.

I do.

I do.

There's a positive.

I love koala.

I love koala.

Our commissioner for the tournament for a moment.

That's right.

But I think the hometown breakfast back.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

Hometown breakfast throwdown.

Yeah.

Okay, let's talk a little bit more about at the opposite end of the chain spectrum from Taco Bell.

Yes.

We have what we had as a pre-show meal, sweet green.

Wow.

Yeah.

Do you, first off, do you have any thoughts on sweet green specifically?

And then, more generally, where do you stand on salads?

I hate salads so much.

Wow.

Like, like so much.

Wow.

Like, it's so much hate, but I, I know I should have it.

Yeah, sure.

Yeah.

So I eat it quite often, but I do it in a way that's like, I just hate what it is.

And so I,

I just, I think I go extra hard on the punishment of it.

And I go without dressing.

And I just, oh my, no dressing.

I hate every dressing.

I hate every dressing.

I know why you hate salads.

You can't eat it without the dressing.

I hate it even more with dressing.

It tastes so it makes the

because every dressing is either just like milky

or

vinegar.

Yeah.

There's no

vinegar fan?

I like vinegar, but not with like raw vegetables.

That tastes weird to me.

So I don't know why it's too weird, really weird types.

There's no like mild dressing that's kind of nice.

I'm glad that we got you sweet green for lunch.

No, no, no.

I love that.

Do you really?

I like that it's very customizable.

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So, because usually they throw together just bullshit salad that I don't like.

Wow.

Sweet green, it's not really sweet.

Where does the sweet come from in sweet green?

You know what I mean?

Yeah, it doesn't just

sound like that.

What the fuck is the name?

I think they're being like, oh, salads are so good.

It's sweet.

Yeah.

It's fucking bullshit.

Yeah, it is bullshit, though.

We today were, we were, I like salad.

And I like, you know what I like?

I like a little side salad starter.

And I like creamy Italian dressing.

I don't know if you've had that.

Maybe too.

That's actually not that milky.

Yeah, Italian dressing is okay, but.

I don't know.

I just.

If you're not a dressing fan, it just doesn't.

I get it.

I mean, like, I think some people think like, it gets the lettuce too wilted and disgusting.

Yeah, that's how I feel.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what else doesn't like dressing?

Jemmy the dog.

He's in the buff.

She is a naked girl all the time.

We should, we should blur that out so our listeners don't complain.

The dope was had a naked dog on the phone.

I heard that one time they put a hoodie on her at the farm she lived on before we got her and she chewed it off.

Like she chewed through it and ripped it off.

Wow.

It's like an alpha.

She said, fuck clothes.

That's actually how humans are supposed to live.

Yeah, we're just supposed to live like that.

It's more natural.

Should we do an in the buff episode of Doughboys?

Emma, that's just an embarrassing episode of being sitting across from Wags.

Hogs out,

hogs out.

Frank Bank.

That's one of those things when we talked about like adding feet pics to the Patreon, where like it, whether it goes up or goes down, either way, I feel bad.

Like if it's more popular than a normal episode or less popular, either outcome upsets me.

Yeah, there's no positive.

There's no positive because it's either like, oh, so you people just want to jack off or it's like, oh, or you people find me physically repulsive.

I'd be okay with it.

Or maybe there's a third one that's like, they love the podcast, but they don't want sexual stuff.

Yeah, they can all just be.

I don't believe that one.

We just have a very asexual listenership.

It's possible.

I want,

I like the idea if they're jacking off to the podcast.

I would milk it for all of you.

Okay.

Wait, isn't there a lot of videos online of like people doing weird ASMR food stuff?

And people definitely like did jack off to the

food stuff do associate with like horny stuff.

A lot of people don't.

It's confusing because ASMR like is like

it's not very sexual, but also it can be pleasurable.

Yeah.

I try to explain to people because I ASMR works on me.

I'm affected by it.

Yeah.

But it's like, it's a weird thing where like your voice could put me into AM ASMR and your voice could put me into ASMR.

Doesn't matter.

Hey, buddy.

That

made me think of Silence of the Lambs.

Didn't put me, it was ASMR sounds to the lamp Buffalo Bill style

but uh I like anything can trigger it but it is also like a sensual thing so it is kind of weirdly

not but not sexual but like it can feel good it's very hard to describe no I get what you're saying does anyone else do

does anyone else have effects by ASMR no my boyfriend is yeah

he gets it it is it's like you get like tingles and it feels good right and sometimes it can lean into it but like it's not it's not necessarily sexual.

But like, it's like a, yeah, I get what you're saying.

It's like a GB.

I watch a GB.

It's a cozy feeling.

GB is who I, and I just like gives you a nice little, like, like, like, nice chills feeling through your back before you go to bed.

That's interesting.

But I'm sure there are plenty of people who also, you know, like jacking off.

I mean, people like jacking off to everybody.

Jacking off.

Yeah, people jack off.

People are nuts about jacking off.

That's one thing that's been through

line through time.

It's people like jacking it.

Right?

That's the scrub daddy of life.

The scrub daddy of life is jacking off.

Yeah, we can all agree.

It is all of humanity.

Jacking off is humanity, scrub daddy.

I agree.

We got to get into

what we're doing as a topic this week, but I did want to ask you, Andrea,

before we get into this.

That's what means norm

is like the jacking off of life.

Like it was all compared to norm.

Yeah, yeah.

It all came from norm.

Norm is the scrub daddy.

Right.

They were jacking off in cheers.

Oh, you know they were jacking off in cheers.

Cheers.

All right, last call, everybody.

Jack off.

Frazier would be rubbing one out next to Cliff.

That's why they had the bar.

Didn't see anything going on, Daddy.

I'm a miscoach jacking off.

Nice to see Woody jack off, though.

Okay, so here's my question for you.

Man, we know we heard your story about your family having a farm.

Yeah.

We heard some crazy stories.

Yes.

Do you feel

you ever have any

moral trepidation about eating animals in general?

Is there ever a time where you're like, hmm, I feel weird about this, especially when you're at the level of like, hey, this was a, this was like a chicken I knew or something like this, and now we're eating it.

Like, did it, like, how did you process that?

Hey, this is a chicken I knew.

Oh my, no, I feel bad when i see cows yeah when i see cows they're so cute yeah but chickens i don't hesitate chickens yeah i think it's fair chickens if anything i see them i'm like i'm gonna i want to now you know i wasn't i wasn't even hung i was like i don't maybe i don't even like it but i look at them i'm like oh i'd hate this

well they evolved from dinosaurs right and dinosaurs probably uh

i don't know my history that well but probably chased after early humans you know

Yeah, you don't know your history that well.

Maybe you watched the Flintstones.

Yeah, yeah, you know what?

I think that's what it was.

I think I watched the Flintstones.

That's your history education.

I'm saying dinos would be mean to humans.

They would be, though,

was there any monkeys that ever were after the no, but I guess not, probably.

I think there were some early primates, maybe early primates.

I mean, there were early mammals more like with the with

I don't know if primates that were something that we evolved from in there.

Roosters are very mean to my grandpa.

I remember you telling us about this rooster who was attacking your grandpa.

They're gonna kick him and stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah, because he's scared.

They're scared

he's gonna like fuck the chickens, the hens.

You know?

They're scared of that?

I think so, because it's like...

I gotta ask what gave them this idea.

My grandpa, he's fucking them.

See, it like sense another male presence.

Yeah.

Like, this is a threat to the

It's a male presence that is feeding the hens.

And so the hens are very like happy to see my grandpa.

And so the roosters are like, what the fuck?

Yeah, right.

That's really fun.

Yeah, since the roosters are like, why are you excited to see this guy who's not me?

You know, because that's kind of his girlfriend.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's feeding.

They like love.

They love.

They like him.

Yeah.

Like he likes roost and the rooster loves his girls.

I remember.

The hens, the hens.

The way you phrased it is stuck in my brain.

How I remember it is you saying, we had to kill our rooster because he kept kicking the shit out of my grandma.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There was a really strong one.

He was like too strong.

And then, but he, I think he like had the most girlfriends or something.

And then he's just like.

Sort of cock of the wall.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He's like, what the fuck?

Don't come in here

and feed my girl bitches.

That's the energy.

I said bitches because that's the energy for

me.

You don't have your body.

I had to.

We don't say the B-word on this topic.

As a bitch, I can say it.

Jenny, a true bitch.

She did stand up.

She's like, I am B-bitch.

She's like, we can say it.

But the pigs and cows seem very nice and smart.

Pigs are tough for me because I know how smart pigs are.

I don't eat pork anymore.

Oh, no.

Because of their cute.

Yeah, because I just like, I'm like, well, I mean, I dialed back how much meat I was eating in general.

And then I think, like, yeah, one more I learned about pigs, the more I'm like, oh, this is fucking tough.

A lot of good depictions of pigs in the media, Spider Pig,

Charlotte's Web.

Babe, of course.

Babe, yeah.

Yeah, there's been no real evil pigs.

Miss Piggy, kind of.

Oh, yeah.

But she's like still lovable.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Kermit loves her.

We're supposed to, I mean, Miss Piggy's very funny.

Yeah, she's very funny.

She's really, very funny.

You knew what happened.

Petbuck pig.

People love Petbut Pig.

Oh, people love Petbug Pig.

I guess there's like big banker pigs, you know, like in like animal farm sort of.

Yeah, the classic sort of like symbol of capitalism pig.

Like animals out there.

And people say like pigs are greedy.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, greedy pig.

Porky pig?

Another lovable one.

A lot of fun.

Yeah.

See, I was saying the roosters, they come from dinosaurs.

They evolved from

the primordial gook.

You know, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

We've talked about the primordial goop.

We have talked about

the people on the pod.

And I'm saying,

you know, whatever, there was some sort of version of the birds that were eating some sort of version of us.

You know, yeah.

Oh, I hate birds too.

I want to eat.

You have a bird.

I wish I could eat them.

Yeah, birds.

You can't eat them.

I mean,

but it's like, I wish it was more common.

I wish we were like, we were all subtracting them together.

Yeah.

Any bird you see in the sky, you're like,

I wish you were eating that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that they can't live anymore.

Because they're so mean.

Yeah, 100%.

No,

I feel a lot less conflict.

I mean, like, look,

you have to eat life to sustain yourself.

I do think that vegetarians and vegans have the are on morally higher ground than someone who eats meats.

I do, I do concede that.

But I have less personal conflict about eating

very Highlander-y,

consuming life to.

Yeah.

But it's true.

It is true.

Highlander is a lot like the real world, yeah.

It is, it can only be one.

Um, did you like those Highlander movies?

I gotta rewatch them.

I remember do, I remember liking them.

Highlander two

sucks.

Highlander one is good, I haven't seen it in many years.

I'm wondering how they aged.

I don't know how they

so Highlander is like a sci-fi franchise that there were a couple of movies and then like a TV show that people loved the TV show.

It was kind of like Stargate, they made it in a TV show, and I think there was more science fiction fandom for that property.

Um, but basically, it was it was like it was a immortal people who were scattered across the globe.

And Highlanders.

They were Highlanders.

And, or I think that just the one guy was the Highlander.

He had some other name.

Yeah.

Anyway, but it's been years since I've seen it.

The only way you could kill them, ultimately, only one of these immortal beings can survive on Earth.

So they go around trying to kill each other.

And the only way you can kill someone is by lopping their fucking head off.

So you have to decapitate them and then like light shoots out and they're fucking dead.

And then you get kind of of like their power.

And you get more powerful.

So he does a thing.

Do they do a thing where it's like absorbing the power?

Yeah, it kind of

mega man.

You like kill something and take its powers.

So, so, but like at the Highlander franchise, and it was Sean Connery.

And what's the name of the other one?

I like that you were interested in that of how like, you know, they do feel the power coming into it, but it isn't, it is a, there's, there's a sensational element to it where they're like feeling the power, right?

Right.

Yeah.

That's why they do it because it's like addictive.

I think, I mean, this is the sad thing.

They're immortal.

Here they are going around killing each other.

Yeah.

Well, and it's also the thing of, and I think Christopher Lambert is the name of the lead actor, right?

That's all right.

Christopher Lambert and Sean Connery is like this other, Sean Connery plays an Egyptian guy, which is insane.

Anyway.

Sean Connery and.

I've been telling my manager to put me out for roles.

I want to play Egyptian guy.

But there's also the aspect of like, there's a whole thing of like Christopher Lambert finds a wife in like the Scottish Highlands and then you know marries her and raises a family and then he watches all his loved ones age and die and then he's just alone again.

And it's just like talking about like the pain of being immortal.

I would have that big of a problem with you if I was a Highlander.

I was like, you know what?

It probably wouldn't take that long.

Three years.

Now I'm just now I'm just thinking Highlander.

Yeah, now you got Highlander on the brain.

I got to find out some more information.

Can they make other people Highlanders or no?

No, I think there's a set number of Highlanders and they're just being winnowed down.

Damn.

It's it.

We're talking a show that hasn't had relevance in like 30 years.

They should reboot Highlander.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Queen did the soundtrack.

There's like a whole Queen album that's just the fucking Highlander songs.

One of them is Don't Lose Your Head, and it's about like not getting your headlopped off by a fucking Highlander.

Isn't that crazy?

It's like Freddie Mercury singing it.

We'll do a Highlander rep.

We're going to have you back for a Highlander.

Yeah, we'll do do a Highlander rep.

Yeah, what would they eat?

Hmm, this is a great question.

Maybe they eat normal food, but then again, the whole thing with being immortal is like,

what are the, you want to know what the rules are, right?

Because like, if you don't eat anything, do you lose weight, but you can't kill yourself, your organs won't fail, right?

You'll continue to, like, how does it actually work in principle?

Was there any Highlanders that killed themselves at all?

I don't know.

This all came from bird talk, I think, right?

It came from bird talk.

I'm going to get a bird feeder for Wally and Irma so they can watch the birds.

So

I know that you hate them,

but the cats get very excited.

I mean, they want to kill them too.

That's true.

But it's a cute kind of

like a, it's a cute.

It seems like they're playing, but the cat's like, I do want to kill him.

They want to kill him.

And they also, yeah, it is very cute, but they like kind of like talk.

They're like,

yeah.

But they will eat one.

They will.

Oh, 100%.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My cat Zipwags used to bring, like,

it

would drop off like a beautiful blue jay.

Oh, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was just fucking destroyed.

Yeah.

I know, it was, yeah, it's like, here it is.

It was like a gift to, like, you were like, you, you own me.

Here's a bird.

You own me.

It's fucked up.

It is really fucked.

Do you think your animals are like, you own me?

I think, I think they know.

I think that.

In my mind, I like to think that they think of me as like their dad.

I like was thinking about this with while I was.

I think it was like a chosen relationship.

Like, if she wanted to run away from me, she could, but she chooses in my head.

But don't you have that phase sometimes, like, in the beginning, where they're trying to run away like every day in the beginning?

Yeah, they don't know who I got Wally Norman when they were such tiny babies that I think that I like, like I think they maybe think that I am.

I also like sleep as much as a cat.

Yeah, uh, I shit in their litter box occasionally.

So I think that they think that I'm

a cat, you're you're our cat dad.

I think that I think that they think that I'm in your house on all fours.

Of course, I do.

I have a bonnet on and it's kind of role play-y, but okay.

I think my dog thinks I'm her mom, but also girlfriend.

That's

I

think, look, it's much like ASMR where it's not supposed to be sexual, but you know, sometimes it does.

I think for them it's sexual.

Yes.

Like for me, it's not.

Of course.

I'm like, oh, it's my little dog.

You can't pump your leg.

Yes.

That's why I'm like, it's sexual for her.

100%.

I've been mute for like the past five five minutes because I've been listening

married in the Highlander Wikipedia page.

This shit is fucking crazy.

So I forgot.

I totally forgot about the gathering.

That's Wally.

That's the size Wally.

So tiny.

Oh my god.

When I first got there.

What a cutie.

What a cutie.

He was very cute.

He was tiny down here.

Yes.

He was very tight.

He was very tall.

That's cute.

Have you had dogs?

I never had dogs out there.

In 1985, the time of the gathering approaches, and the Kurgan is compelled to come come to New York City, where Conner now lives as an antique dealer under the alias Russell Nash, working with his confidante and adopted daughter, Rachel Ellenstein.

Because here's the thing.

If you're an immortal in the Highlander universe, you cannot have children, which is a thing they learned.

They're all impotent.

So it's like, it's like the...

Oh, dude.

No deal.

I'll not take those powers.

So there's the gathering is the final battle for the prize, the power of all immortals through times.

They're

hoping to become the final one so that the power of every single immortal who's come before.

Well, what is the power?

What is the thing?

Like, what is it?

The fucking strongest.

You're just strong.

You guess you're just strong.

Well, because that doesn't mean you don't really have a purpose.

Will you fucking get into the episode?

Yeah, the episode's about and stop looking at this fucking bullshit.

Okay.

We'll do a Highlander episode.

We could do anything you want.

I mean, we're at the 45-minute mark.

Maybe we just don't need topics anymore.

We're going to try this out.

This is a new idea we thought of.

This is Creature Eater.

So here's how Creature Eater works.

I mean, it fits everything we were talking about, and it wasn't intentional.

That's right.

So we've got fictional characters from science fiction, fantasy, animation, folklore, etc.

And we're going to decide whether or not we would eat them.

Here we go.

I chose the wrong TV.

Sorry.

We're going to throw these up on a TV here.

Okay, so we got the wrong TV.

Would you rather be brought a bird?

Yeah, the creatures on there?

I think it would be easier to see over Casey's shoulders.

This is a great question.

Would I rather be brought a dead bird or a dead bird?

A dead mouse from your cat?

I think, oh man, I think a dead mouse.

Why?

Well, I think mice and birds are cute, but I feel like rodents are, you know what I mean?

Like, I feel like people are more okay with

rodents dying, though.

Like, one time Zip.

My cat zip

brought in a mouse, dropped it.

The thing was fucking alive.

That's traumatizing.

And you know who caught it?

Buster.

And Buster was declawed.

Maybe before we got her.

Yeah.

This is also the 80s.

So my mom may be declawed her.

I forget what it is.

You don't do it now.

It's very against the rules to get the cats declawed.

But Buster caught it with no claws, caught the mouse.

And she lived a great life.

She lived till she was 20, Buster.

So don't fake out at me in the comments about Buster being declawed.

You didn't do it.

I didn't do it.

I've done anything.

Yeah.

My mom didn't do it.

Just leave everyone alone.

Yeah.

Nice thing about being declawed cat, easier to jack off.

Yeah, the claw's not getting in the way.

Buster was a lady cat.

Oh, I apologize.

I'm sorry.

Hey, though.

I'm still saying jack off.

I just don't usually call it jacking off.

Right.

Right, right.

Right.

Okay, so we're going to get.

So

you mentioned not being.

It's good that we went to 45 minutes and then also

now also we're having video problems getting within the screen

there we're in okay here we go

so we have Highlanders playing

all right let's bring up the first of these images let's get into it okay first up Dory from finding Nemo would you eat this

would you eat

this is the episode by the way this is what we're doing this is what we're doing yeah this is maybe it's good that we wasted a fucking 45 minutes

yeah Mitchell, your pitch, would you eat this or fuck this?

Yeah, you can choose to.

Look, you can choose to fuck it, but this isn't a fuck Mary Kill thing where you have to choose one or the other.

It's just

would you eat it and you can add if you would fuck it.

I don't know.

Would you eat it, fuck it, or Highlander it?

That's your option.

Make it immortal?

Decapitate.

Oh, you get us life force by cutting off.

Yeah.

That complicates things.

Absorb life force.

Because your answer to all of them is probably going to be yes.

But absorbing Dory's life force would be bad because

she's bad.

She's forgetful.

Yeah, yeah.

This is the thing.

I'd have no problem eating Dory

because

she barely knows she's alive.

She has like a five-second memory.

It's not a moral issue.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So I don't eat Dory.

I don't eat Dory.

I'd eat Dory.

I wouldn't eat Dory

because it's she

the colors are too bright.

Yeah.

But she would be like fried or something.

Feels like poisonous.

Well, my issue with Dory is that are they going to serve Dory with her eyes intact still?

That would be trickier.

Yeah, those eyes are looking

big.

Yeah.

Yeah, they're a little human.

I also don't like fish in general.

You don't like fish in general?

I'm not a fish fan.

I would, you know what?

It's Lent.

I'd eat this on, I'd eat Dory on a Friday.

I have no problem eating Dory.

Fry her up.

Fry her up.

Sorry, Dory.

Next one.

A porg from Star Wars.

This is an easy one for me because you see a porg roasting in Last Jedi.

Yes.

Or you see a chicken roasting that's the same form factor as a porg and the other porgs are scared.

Wait, what do they do?

They're just hanging out.

No, what do the porgs do?

Are they like Ewok type?

No.

They're not like Ewok.

Sorry.

Sorry.

They're not like Ewok.

How are they different from Ewok?

Well, Ewoks had a purpose.

They were Ewoks also like have a,

they have like a culture, like they have a little bit more.

They have a tribe.

tribe.

These are more like animals as opposed to like a people.

I have no problem eating a porg.

I eat a fucking porg.

I would 100% eat a porg.

I'd fuck a porg

and I'd highlander a porg.

I'd kill a porger and fuck a porg and would you fuck an Ewok?

If it was a sexy enough Ewok, probably.

I don't think I'd fuck an Ewok.

I mean, then there's just I mean, like, fucking the porg and fucking Ewok gets into like his bestiality I guess in a way if I was another Ewok I would fuck the Ewok would you fuck a Wookiee now we're getting now it's getting pretty complicated because they're very humanoid.

They're also big is the thing.

I forgot what they look like.

What about a wook like the humans that go to music festivals?

Yes, I would.

There's actually I think there's a Wookiee in the background.

Over the porg's shoulder of the shot.

Oh crazy.

The porgs get eaten in the back.

They're big giant sasquatches.

Oh, okay, okay like mitch sized but like covered with hair mitch sized

by the way the the roasted porg looks very realistic in the last jedi it looks great um they actually roasted a pork they they roasted a porg in the movie genetically engineered real movies

yeah yeah all right porgs porgs get eaten i mean i would feel bad they do look human you know they look like cat they kind of look cat-like they have they do have a little bit more of a of a cat-like face i was just thinking of mitch if you were a wookie um but still just had your human dick.

The little pink dick.

Don't see

Chewbacca's dick.

All right, next picture.

What the hell?

All right, this is a cockatress.

This is a

creature from Greek mythology.

100% eat this.

Cockatress has a two-legged wyvern with the head of a rooster.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

It looks like chicken.

I'd eat that.

I would eat the hell out of it.

It looks very chicken-like.

I wouldn't fuck this probably, no.

No, I wouldn't definitely not fuck.

I would Highlander the hell out of this.

It would be easy.

You want to kill this quickly because,

A, it's scary looking.

B, it can turn you to stone.

It's kind of got Medusa powers.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Weird.

You know, I'll be turned to stone.

Yeah, I don't want to be turned to stone.

It's a nightmare.

This is, there's a, in Baldur's Gate 3, Mitch, there's a dwarf who is like just a statue, and he's in the hag's lair, and you can de-petrify him.

And if you de-petrify him, he's like, why did you do that?

Ah, you know, like, cause he was like fucking trapped in there.

Holy shit.

So he was just like alive for like, you know, however long it was.

He said, why did you do like he was talking to the person who just froze him, basically, right?

Well, he's also like freaked out that you freed him because he's been cursed by the hag and he's worried about the consequences of being liberated.

Oh,

it's like what happens with this?

It's pretty cool.

What happens?

Mitch, this game's unbelievable.

You gotta play it.

You've spent 300 hours on it.

You sure have.

Three of the best hours of my fucking life.

Game Rocks.

Married Man.

It's like

watching Doom Part 2 100 times in a row.

I'm just happy the whole time.

I get it.

I get it.

You've watched.

You've played 300 hours of this.

You've watched more movies than I have this year.

I don't know how the fuck you do this.

Watch out my time well.

And what do I got going on besides podcasting?

You fucking waste your fucking bullshit time.

All right, next one.

Don't you watch like 16 hours of pro wrestling a week?

No,

I fast forward through wrestling.

Okay.

I think I watch every wrestling program right now.

Next one.

Fuck you care what I do with my free time.

Fucking grow the fuck up.

Grow up.

I'm the one who's living in a permanent adolescence.

Grow up.

Let's rate these on if we would eat them or fuck them.

It's like, this is like the James Cornyn fight.

We're both in adolescence.

You just have a fucking ring on your finger, you piece of shit.

Actually, I stopped wearing my ring because I got too fat for it.

I was thinner when I got married.

This has been happening for a while.

You may have noticed in the video.

Yeah, my fingers fattened up and it's just like it cuts off the circulation now.

Can you get it remade?

You can get it expanded.

I just haven't gotten to the trouble of doing it yet.

I'm kind of part of me is hoping that it was a motivation to lose some weight so I could fit it on.

I mean, embarrassing as hell to go get it extended.

Yeah.

Embarrassing.

Go to DXL and get your fucking ring fixed.

All right.

This one, I'm less familiar with this.

This is a Harry Potter character, the hippogriff.

100% would eat it.

100% would cut its head off.

A lot of meat on it.

I'll be honest with you.

I'd fuck this one.

Yeah, I think so.

It's very elegant.

It sucks, right?

Kind of like this one or this episode?

No, well, the episode.

Clearly.

It's like one of those things of just like, like, I'm J.K.

Rowling.

Look, I invented a hippogriff.

Yeah, it's just like the griffin.

This is a griffin, you fucking

hack.

I know.

Sucks.

All right, next up,

the kraken.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, I'm scared of, I would not Highlander the sink because I'd be too afraid to get near it.

Yeah, because I feel like it would just grow extra tentacles.

It's so fucking big, it's terrifying.

I would not want to battle with a Kraken.

Fuck it.

That's scary.

No, I would not want to fuck a Kraken.

That's different.

I do wonder.

I mean, is there a beak in its hole?

I don't know.

Yeah, would you fuck the beak?

Yeah, I don't know.

How do they reproduce?

I don't understand how a crack can reproduce.

I don't know.

Like an octopus?

It might be.

But the octopus are octopus.

They like shoot, they like shoot cum into the ocean, and then like another one comes swims through it or something.

It's some weird thing like that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The weird, weird process.

Krim, yeah, sorry.

Flesh cram.

My question with this one is

now

thinking about it, so I probably wouldn't Highlander.

I probably wouldn't fuck it.

Too scary for both of those two.

Yeah.

As far as eating this goes, I like calamari, but like, is this like you're getting a huge piece of this?

Is it too big?

It's out of proportion.

Yeah.

Giant calamari.

It's like, yeah, you're, so you're like biting into like a log of calamari.

That doesn't seem as good.

Yeah, because you want like some of this, the texture from the flesh, but you're getting a lot more like meat, a lot less surface area relative to the

curve of the tentacle.

If they cut this down and fried it up, I maybe would be able to eat it.

Yeah, it could be okay.

I mean,

I don't eat cephalopods anymore for the same reason I don't eat pigs because I've just heard of like the higher order brain function of squids and

octopi.

But I think I'd have less moral conflict about the kraken, the scourge of the seas that's constantly, you know, sinking frigates and stranding sailors.

So I think I would probably would eat it just to experience like tasting, you know, those sorts of flavors again.

But this is a tougher one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Staying in the giant category.

Sandworm from Dune.

This is a great

question.

Is there even meat on that thing?

There is.

I think you can.

There is.

There's like a hard outer shell.

Like there's, it does have a hard shell.

I think I would not eat the sandworm.

I feel like it would be.

Yeah.

Spoiler alert for future dunes.

Uh-huh.

But Shalamay's son starts covering himself in sandworm flesh, right?

And becomes a sandworm.

Well, you're talking about books that have not been adapted yet.

Sure.

Yeah.

The future Frank Herbert lore gets pretty crazy in terms of where it goes.

It's like his son turns himself into a sandworm.

So I'm just nervous about digesting or, I mean, ingesting sandworms.

Right.

Like,

will that cause

issues into a sandworm?

You're basically having pure distilled spice, and what is that going to do to your, to your, you know, yeah, I don't want to turn into a sandworm function.

I wouldn't like to be a sandworm.

Yeah.

You know, they're, they're full of poison.

That's right.

Yeah, yeah.

The sandworms are full of poison.

Yeah, you watch the movie.

Like, the poison,

the poison that only, that if you're, this is a thing where it's very generous

the poison, yeah.

Women can have the poison.

Oh, men are killed by the poison.

That's fucking bullshit.

What are you going to drink the poison to prove a point?

You're going to fucking die.

Well,

no,

that's the funny thing that you are, Lisa and El Gaeed.

that can't be a spoiler because no one knows what the fuck we're talking about

casey just hit a three-pointer from the half-court line

a part of me does feel like these are such mythic beasts that

that eating the flesh could be a good thing.

Yeah, but I just also feel like sometimes if a creature's too big,

they stop tasting good, right?

Like, isn't that a general sort of thing?

Really?

Yeah, because I think the higher up you are in the food chain, the more likely you are to eat other animals.

And then if you eat other animals, you're like, you're, you just taste shitty.

Muscular animals don't taste good.

Whale taste nasty.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, so I think that would be a bad, I think it would maybe be a bad dining experience.

It's like eating a lion.

It feels weird.

I mean, if I woke up in bed the next day, I was a fucking sandworm.

I'd be like, are you fucking kidding me?

What's going on here?

The worst.

This is the worst.

And then I probably would fuck a sandworm if I was a sandworm, wouldn't you?

Sure.

Yeah.

Well, if you're horny for them, this is the whole thing.

Like, if you get turned into a sandworm,

you still have your human desires because that would be the worst sort of prison to be traveled in.

Oh, my God.

It's like, oh, they still want to fuck another person, but now who wants to fuck a sandworm?

I'm on Hinge and they see a fucking

sandworm is a profile for you.

They see a shy hallude, they're not going to pick you.

I bet there's some people out there that's into sandworm.

You think you think that have I?

I'm sure there are.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We'll put this to the test.

I'll change my dating profile to the standard and see what happens.

All right, next question.

So I think my answer for all of these is pretty is no across the board.

This is a hard no for me.

Andrea, what do you think?

Yeah, this is a no.

All right, moving on.

Oh, yum.

Okay, a Goomba for Mario.

Having a reaction to ooh, yum for any of these is psychotic.

This is an easy yes.

They look so yummy.

Yeah, it's a little mushroom character.

And I know they're villainous.

I mean, do they have brains?

It is kind of fucked up.

I mean, mushrooms don't have brains, but do Goombas have brains?

They clearly don't.

Look at the eyes.

Yeah.

I just wouldn't want the front part of the Goomba.

I wouldn't want like eyebrows on my plate.

Yeah, and I don't want eyebrow or teeth.

Or teeth.

No.

Just two teeth.

But how often is something you eat plated with that?

I mean, Yoshi eats them constantly.

And we love Yoshi.

I love Yoshi.

I think that.

I mean, do they have shoes or are they just...

No, I think those are the roots.

Yeah, I think those are his feet.

Yeah.

My answer is yes.

So good.

And the Lady Goomba, I maybe would.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Have you seen the Lady Goomba?

She looks like.

I'll show you.

Can I see?

And then would you highland?

It would be tough to Highlander the Goomba.

Are you thinking you have a specific Goomba?

The Lady Goomba?

Yeah, yeah.

There's a lady.

Remember, there's a, I think it's from Mario RPG, isn't it?

Uh, there, yeah, wait.

There's a well, there's a Goomba playable character in Paper Mario.

Goombette.

Wow.

Goombette.

Okay.

Goombet.

Oh, she's an Odyssey.

She's an Odyssey.

Okay.

Yeah.

She's so rare.

And she, I think, maybe.

Oh, yeah.

I remember Goombet.

Goombet's looking good.

She has a hat.

She has a nice hat.

Yeah.

There's a few of my exes who look like Goombette.

You have a type.

I have a Goombet type.

I think.

Goombet, I maybe would.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Come on.

You got to admit to fucking one of these things.

I didn't rule it out.

All right.

All right.

Let's look at the next one.

I wouldn't Highlander him because.

Oh.

Okay, Toad.

So this is.

So this is a lot harder.

This is what gets tricky because this is, again, a mushroom creature.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I think this does get tricky at Toad.

Is that his hat or is that part of him?

It's part of his head, but there is a Super Mario Bros.

cartoon where it's treated as a hat, but it's because the animators

didn't know the lore or they didn't have an agreed-upon set canon within Nintendo at the time.

But no, it is his head.

I think I would eat the hat part.

Well, again, it's not its hat.

It's his brain.

You're eating his brain.

Okay, I don't want to do that to him.

You can't eat his brain.

Right, but that's he's so happy.

Toad, I couldn't, I could not eat.

I could not bring myself to eat.

I'm so happy.

I can't do that.

So, if would you fuck Toad or Toadette?

My thought is that they're very like childlike, so it seems hard to

do.

They have like jobs, yeah.

Okay, they remind me of like a dog, you know?

They're very sweet.

Yeah, they are.

Yeah.

I think they were trying to like have a sexual relationship with me, but then I would be like, aw, and

cute.

Yeah, and I would be like, no, but also, it will be weird.

That's a bad feeling.

After you fuck Toad, and he's like, I'm the best.

You know how he does that?

He does that in Mario Kart.

I don't like that arrogance.

Calm down, buddy.

I think we're nose across the board with Toad.

Yeah.

No.

All right, next.

Umba, let's it go, though.

Oh, my God.

Okay, a slow poke from Pokémon.

Now, Aaron is asking to be fucked.

He He kind of is in a very fuckable position.

You're right.

His tail is up.

He's ready to be.

He's ready to go.

You got it.

So you got to fuck him.

I mean, this is all.

Fuck him.

Yeah.

I feel like if I had, if me and this thing had offspring, it would look probably still kind of like me.

Here's so simple.

Don't we have similar faces, this guy and I, I feel like?

I think similar dispositions.

Yeah, I think happy vibes.

I sit there with my fucking tail up.

Yeah, I don't.

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting.

This is a this is a so here's the thing.

Slow poke tails are a consumable item in the Pokemon games.

So the idea is people do, I guess, you know, take the tails off of dead ones and eat them somehow.

Is it a fucked up thing like tusks or something?

You know what I mean?

It seems akin to that.

Yeah, when you think about it, when you unpack it.

So that is, that is a little upsetting.

Here's what I think.

I would not, I could not in good conscience have

eat this just as, as on its own.

Yeah.

If someone found the tail of one that had died and served it to me, I probably would, if it's a delicacy,

now I'm changing around.

Like, my immediate thought was like, hell no, I'm not going to eat this.

I might fuck it

because of, like you're saying, it's presenting.

Right.

What if like the

natural death tail is not as delicious as like if you

take his life?

So I maybe would highlander its tail.

I couldn't highlander its head.

Would it live if you cut its tail off?

It will, but it's sad.

Yeah, it's like a rough life.

Yeah.

Fucking tough.

It's sad after because it's not as sexy.

Right.

Because the tail is so alluring.

Well, it's very, you are also.

I like that you're adding the background to this character.

This

Nintendo character that never gets fucked.

Yeah.

The tail's so inviting.

It's like, but come on, come on.

I say,

I think I'd have to be nose on this.

I feel too bad.

Yeah, I think no.

I don't know why I feel so bad about this.

Because it looks so stupid.

Yeah.

I think he wants to be fucked.

I'll fuck him.

So bad.

It's a no-for-eating, though, and a no-for highlandering, this guy.

All right, we all agree.

This is the one fuck one.

Okay, next up.

King K rule from Donkey Kong Country.

Take a hell out of King K.

Yeah, I eat him.

Yeah.

He's evil, first of all.

You want to eat him.

And And he's a gator.

And I want his crown.

I want the crown.

I do.

I would love to wear that.

What a war trophy that would be.

Yeah, this King K Rules crown.

It's on the Doughboy's backsplash at Hengum Studios.

And we ate him.

We ate his ass.

I mean, that's badass.

What a total fucking win.

I mean, I would highlander him, too.

I mean, like, I probably wouldn't fuck King K.

Rule because I feel like he could maybe turn it on.

I think, I feel like he maybe would fuck me.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

I feel like

you can't give him the opportunity.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Because he's going to turn.

He's going to turn.

Whoa, wait a minute here.

I think I should be fucking you.

Oh, man.

I've never heard his voice.

I actually don't know if he has an established voice.

I was just talking like our, like, gators in general, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Now, Mr.

Kong, I think I want to steal your bananas.

That's basically what it would sound like.

All right, that was an easy one.

We would eat him.

Oh, my God.

Tom Nook from Animal Crossing.

This is a hard note.

No, I'm not going to.

Eat his shirt.

He's so cute.

But I also,

he's supposed to be a raccoon.

He's a little raccoon.

He's supposed to be.

I'm supposed to eat a raccoon, anyways.

Here's the thing I would say.

Tom Nook is kind of a

exploitative capitalist.

Like, he entraps you in a debt cycle and you're forced to continue to pay him bells in order to stay alive on the island.

So there is an argument for Highlandering his ass just to, you know, punish him and show that way of life is unsustainable.

He's like a landlord?

Yeah, he's like a landlord, basically.

Oh, wow.

And also, Tom Nook can get it.

You know that he's

doing pretty well.

For sure.

I was going to say he looks like he would have sex.

Because look at his shirt.

I think he's at the office fucking Isabel the dog.

He looks so comfortable with himself.

Yeah.

I think Tom Nook also looks like he has problems.

Like his eyes, it just looks like he's a guy who's.

He's so sleepy.

He's very sleepy.

He does a little sleepy.

Yeah, he looks like he needs a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of

jacking off too much.

Emma, I think you played the most Animal Crossing of any of us.

So would you have any feelings on Tom Nook?

Not really.

At a certain point, you don't have to, once you pay off your house, you don't have to pay him anymore.

So I guess that's kind of nice of him.

Yeah, you can ultimately get it.

But it takes a while to get there.

Yeah, you need a lot of bells.

But maybe he's just trying to build a cute little community, except he doesn't live on the island, which makes me think like

not that he's trying to build a community.

He's just trying to make money off of it.

Yeah, like flies in every day.

I guess

off to Epstein's Island or wherever the fuck is that?

Where is his home?

Nobody knows.

I don't think that's in the that's not in the game.

I don't think it's in the game.

Maybe it's Cannon elsewhere.

Yeah.

Scary.

Which cartoon characters look like they fuck more?

This guy here or these two cartoon characters?

It's easy, Tom Nook.

I pointed out the Doughboys.

I think, yes, I think the raccoon.

This is the energy of the Doughboys logos is

Mitch's incel, Weiger's Volcell.

We should just start the incel vol cell podcast.

All right, next one.

Skyrocketing.

But also, by the way,

they look very edible.

You did the Doughboys characters both look edible.

Yeah, I think they'd make a great cookie.

Like gummies.

Like gummies?

We're edible?

Would you eat the Dough Boys character?

The end result is that we're edible and not fuckable.

Yeah.

And should be Highlander.

I guess they would eat the Dough Boys.

I need that burger.

It looks chewy.

It does smell gummy.

We do look chewy.

I guess I would eat us, too.

Okay, this is from Baldur's Gate 3.

which we talked about earlier.

This is a mind flayer.

Ew.

Would you eat a mind flayer?

I don't think I would.

I mean, you know what?

If someone served me like the tentacle tails.

Yeah.

Some context here.

Mind flayers are at best utterly amoral.

They have no moral

center as per our understanding of morality.

At worst, they are just like straight up evil.

They are people who essentially go and take over and enslave others and then eat their brains for sustenance.

I would highlander the hell out of them.

So, I have no, yeah, I definitely want to highlander this one.

I would also eat it for the same reason that I want to, you know, experience what it's like to eat

an octopus again without the sort of moral sort of compunction because they are a creature with like these tentacle-like appendages that come out from their feet.

He's pretty gnarly looking, though.

I don't, yeah, he looks scary.

He does look scary.

The human body, yeah, because for that to have a human body,

I agree with you.

Yeah.

Also, like, what would you like?

I want the tentacles and I need the tentacles.

I need anything else.

But that's how eating a lot of creatures are.

Like, you don't eat every, you know, every single part of a creature necessarily.

Right.

Get your Baldur's Gate 3 shit out of here.

This is from the game.

This is from the game, yeah.

Oh.

This is what he spent 300 hours on.

Fucking sick as hell.

No regrets.

All right, next question.

I will say from my playthrough, I did fuck the mind flare.

Oh, this one?

This is the mind flare?

No, that one.

Yeah, yeah.

You fucked that?

I fucked the mind flare.

How do you?

You got to stop playing this game.

Everyone got mad at me, but I did it.

Everyone was mad at you?

Because you're like, wait, that's disgusting.

Yeah, I agree.

You can fuck in the game.

Yeah, you can fuck big time.

Whoa.

Yeah.

You can do it.

Is it graphic?

Does it like show it or is it like, oh, they go behind a wall and come back?

No, there's fully animated sex scenes with big time.

Fully animated sex scenes with nudity.

It is a horny ass game.

This guy's dick.

Well, so they doesn't really have the same sort of anatomy as a humanoid creature.

So it doesn't really work the same way.

Yeah, you're kind of like you can merge in a different way, but also

the mind flayer can take on a more humanoid form, and you can fuck him in that way too.

Yeah.

All right, let's get a run here.

The next one is hard.

We got Falco from Star Fox.

I couldn't eat Falco.

I kind of like Falco, but this is the thing.

He's a fucking bird.

He is a bird.

He would taste good comparatively.

He would taste good.

And he's definitely fuck Falco.

I definitely fuck Falco, but he's also kind of like the cockiest and most arrogant of the Star Fox crew.

So human-like.

He is very human.

I feel I couldn't Highlander because I couldn't look him in the face.

I could fuck and I

it would be hard for me to eat, but if it was presented, I guess I could eat.

Yeah, I don't want to eat anything that wears boots.

I mean,

that's a good rule of thumb.

All right, let's move on.

Yeah, let's keep, let's, let's do a run here.

The Trix Rabbit.

Now, the Trix Rabbit is hawking cereal, but he's also an edible creature himself, a rabbit.

100%.

I think I'd eat the Trix Rabbit.

100%.

I like rabbit.

Rabbit's good.

Oh, yeah.

I've had rabbit.

It tastes like salty chicken.

Yeah, it's good.

Yeah.

But also, he would be so sweet because he eats so much tricks.

That's a good idea.

That's a great point.

Well, they keep taking the tricks away from him.

You know, silly rabbit.

Tricks are for kids.

Oh, right.

So he covets them, but maybe they put him on a tricks diet, like how they make foie gras by like overfeeding geese or whatever.

All right, next up:

Roger Rabbit.

This is hard.

That's a harder one.

No.

Yeah, he's, I mean, he's still like kind of down on his luck already.

I just feel bad.

Is he down on his luck?

A little bit.

I mean, he got like cuckolded, basically.

I think if I was in a restaurant and like the rabbit's the main dish, and I was like, is that Roger Rabbit?

And they said, yes.

No, thank you.

They're like, yes,

it's the Roger Rabbit.

Yeah, I'd probably want a different rabbit.

I couldn't highlander him, but that if you highlander him, he's really funny.

So you get his funny power.

That's true.

Right.

And also,

do you get to get with Jessica Rabbit?

Because I would definitely highlander his ass.

Well, let's look at the next one.

Is Jessica Rabbit?

Oh, my God.

Okay, so definitely fuck.

Yeah, I think you got to fuck Jessica Rabbit.

She's a rabbit.

No, she took the last name Rabbit because she married Roger Rabbit.

Roger Rabbit.

Wow.

You get one of the most fuckable animated characters of all time.

You got to fucking

fuck Jessica Rabbit.

Would you eat her cannibalism?

That's the thing, because you're eating a tune.

I think you don't want...

I think it is akin to eating a human being, eating a person.

So I didn't feel uncomfortable eating Jessica Rabbit.

Yeah, me too.

It's like, that's a lady.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's a lady fundamentally.

And also wears boots.

Yeah, I'm not going to, she wears boots.

Okay, let's let's, in the interest of time, Emma, let's skip ahead to the second to last one, number 29.

29?

wow

okay pay a con from avatar the way of war oh my god mighty tolkoon

no i couldn't eat him yeah i could not eat he was so cute payacon's the best yeah pay con's my guy and that's too big he's too big that's that's the other thing too big too much mercury in him yeah

now he's an avatar though

no no i wouldn't

yeah that's a that's uh he's too human i mean you i would definitely fuck a Navi, though.

Navis are 100%.

Yeah, and I'm like,

I thought it was just a ponytail thing, yeah.

It's kind of, but also, you can kind of do the ponytail thing with Piacon.

So, maybe in a way, that's true.

Yeah,

but yeah,

are you doing the ponytail thing with Piacon, and then you're like, oh, we're here, might as well fuck.

Yeah, I'm not gonna eat you.

Yeah,

might as well let's see what it's like.

When are you gonna get a chance to fuck me, and when you're gonna get a chance to fuck one of you?

We gotta see what this is like.

Maybe it's great.

Yeah.

Is it predatory, though?

Good question.

I feel like they have their

question about this whole game.

All right, last one.

By the way,

I wouldn't eat Jessica Rabbit, but I'd chow down.

Yeah, I was thinking that.

I was like, is that something?

It is something.

And let me tell you, Mitch would never do that to anybody.

I'm tired, babe.

All right.

Let's final one.

The whale himself.

Oh, my God.

Now, the thing about the whale, he's looking very cute there.

Yeah.

I mean, he's so cute here.

He's very cute.

There must be porn and a meatball subs sitting right in front of him.

Yeah.

Is that a deep faked picture of the whale?

I don't remember making that expression.

Yeah, exactly.

Every photo I've seen of the whale is always so upsetting.

Yeah.

This is, yeah, this is an outtake from the whale.

Seems like he's having a blast there.

Yeah, is this a matter of time?

This is a.

If I've watched this version of the whale, I think I'm happy.

I don't think I like the whale.

I don't think I could eat the whale.

No.

And I think I could.

I think I, uh-oh, oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Mitch is distracted because haze is through the window.

The handbook boys are here.

We gotta get the fuck out of here.

Let's wrap up the episode.

The whale fucks.

The whale fucks.

Yeah.

It seems to be pretty strong.

Yeah.

I'd be worried about fucking the whale is that he might like have a heart attack and die.

That is true.

And then I'd be traumatized.

So I think it probably no to that.

Now,

I would be afraid to get into a me and the whale getting into a bed together.

I feel like could.

I'm just saying you need a strong bed or reinforcement.

That's a lot, just a lot of human beings.

Right.

And I mean, I maybe auto-focus with him, sit next to him and jack off.

Well, I do.

I was was thinking that.

I was thinking you could jack off.

Yeah, just together.

I'd eat with them.

I'd eat with them.

I'd jack off with them.

And I'd watch Highlander with them.

I think that that's that for with the whale.

I think that's the best thing I could do.

That's pretty good.

Hang.

It's exactly fun to hang out with.

Read him his daughter's essay.

Sure, I can do that.

Wow.

Wow.

This is officially the dumbest thing we've ever done.

But we got plenty of creatures to go through again, so we might do this again.

That was Creature Eater, our guest, Andrea Jin.

Andrea.

How many did we look at of the 30?

Did we look at like we got to about 15

halfway through?

Yeah, that's good.

We made it through a good chunk of the list, which means we have enough to do it all over again.

There you go.

That's true.

Uh, Adobe shouldn't have joked about eating fictional characters.

Fuck the fuck up.

Andrea Jin, uh, you'll be also, I just am thinking of

like animals, would you like whatever fictional characters?

Would you eat them?

Part two.

That sucks.

That's just pretty good.

That was a bummer.

That was fun.

No, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying when you, a part two version of this podcast, I think it's endlessly refillable.

Oh, geez.

People coming.

We'll do plenty of creature eaters.

Part 100.

You'll be at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles on May 12th.

This part of Netflix is a joke.

People should definitely check that out.

Anything else you want to plug?

No, that's it.

Check that out.

That's all I have going on right now.

That's a lot.

That's a lot.

Thank you.

Yeah.

We're going to have you come back.

I would love to finish part two.

Hell yeah.

We'll have you back for part two.

Yeah.

But I'm warning you, it will be the same.

We'll do different characters.

We'll do different characters.

Well, there he is again.

We'll have you back for Highlander as well.

Thank you for doing that.

And go check out the show.

Thank you.

Thank you for having me.

Of course, of course.

There you go.

And hey, that's this week's Doughboys double.

We're going to go jack off.

Yeah.

That was a head gum podcast.