UNLOCKED! Beaver Patrol with Jefferson Dutton

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Hey, Zach, are you smiling at my gorgeous canyon view?

No, Donald.

I'm smiling because I've got something I want to tell the whole world.

Well, do it.

Shout it out.

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Whoa, I love that echo.

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Donald, you still haven't returned my weed whacker.

Carl, don't you embarrass me like this, please?

What's everyone yelling about?

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Then Donald's got my weed whacker.

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Welcome to Doughboys Double.

I am Nick Weiger along here with a Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell, Mitch.

Like babe, like baby Ruth.

You were pointing your finger like you're calling your shot.

That's right.

Yeah.

We got in trouble before the episode started.

We did.

So Amelia.

You can explain why.

So Emma and Jemmy aren't.

Amelia got reprimanded for the first time ever here.

Not by me.

Not by you.

Not by you.

By our boss, I guess.

Yeah, so what happened is Anya came in here.

Anya the wire queen.

So so what happened is, Amelia, you brought some packing peanuts in, and you were telling us.

you put the bags on them.

We have a bowl of packing peanuts, but we had a package.

Is that what the mustards were in?

The mustards came with the packing peanuts.

So we got these mustards shipped for this episode.

They were packed with a bunch of packing peanuts.

You came in here and you were like, you can eat these.

Yeah, I started eating them in front of Marty and Anya, and they did not like that.

So you were eating them outside

in the common area.

You come in here, you're like, you can eat these.

I remember because when I was a kid, I used to eat these.

So I was like, oh, yeah, okay, a little bite of a memory.

And so I had one of them too.

You used to eat them?

I used to eat them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A bite of a memory.

I love them.

And then Dutton had one.

Dutton had one, our guest.

And Mitch, I think you refused to have one.

I didn't have one.

I didn't have one.

Someone in this room would understand, though.

I'm glad that you knew what I was talking about.

No, I seemed so unnatural.

I felt bad.

I felt like I should do it.

But then Casey didn't do it.

Anya didn't do it.

No, I'm not going to eat packing people.

Yeah, I agree with you.

Sorry, Amelia.

Hey, it's no offense.

I've no offense taken whatsoever.

And then Marty came in.

Well, so first Anya came in here and was yelling at us, telling us that we shouldn't do it.

And then she went and she like went upstairs and called and got Marty.

She like pulled rank on us.

Upstairs.

She went upstairs and the head gum.

She went to, yeah.

Marty came of his own accord to reprimand everybody.

And then Marty came in here and yeah, we all got in trouble.

So it was kind of a thing of like, don't do this.

Like

company property.

Yeah.

We counted those peanuts.

But Mitch did have a good bid he did with the peanuts.

Oh, yeah.

All right, all right, all right.

I did a little Matthew McConaughey joint thing.

Yeah, you rolled it up into a.

Oh, you're talking about my other bit?

Yeah, your other bit was also good.

You should do that one, too.

I said flashback to me getting out of the shower this morning.

Just holding up a limp

packing peanut.

I mean, this is probably a little bit bigger, but

they're like little Cheetos, like flavorless Cheetos.

Yeah, they're gross.

Also, you were just talking about how you're going to a gastroenterologist in a week.

It's whatever.

It's whatever indeed.

It's whatever indeed.

Our guest is certainly not a whatever.

No.

Our guest is one of our favorites from the birthday boys and the sloppy boys.

Jefferson Dutton is here.

Hi, Jeff.

Hey, Nick.

What's going on, Mitch?

Wow.

What's up?

And I want to give a special shout-out to all the listeners.

Fuck, he's good.

Oh, it looks like the boys, looks like the boys were teamed up on Wags, huh?

The boys are togetherness.

This is what I was afraid of.

We should talk about Baghdad.

Allegiance goes to the birthday, not we predate you.

No, I know the birthday boys predates both the Dough Boys and the Sloppy Boys.

It's true.

Yeah, one of the original boys crew.

Do we like that boys stuff?

I don't know.

We're fucking pot committed to boys.

There's the action boys, too.

Everyone's being boys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's others, too.

There's plenty of boys.

The Devil Boys?

Well, we owe it all to Beach.

Those are the OGs.

Beach.

Beastie.

Beach.

Yeah, for sure.

Beastie, I have to think, was derivative of beach.

Yes.

Maybe.

Maybe so.

Maybe so.

Oh, that's right.

Two.

B-E-A is a part of both of the names.

You have to go alphabetically.

Dutton, I would.

Do you like more Beastie Boys or Beach Boys?

Tough question.

I was certainly when I was younger, I said Beastie Boys, but now I maybe say Beach Boys.

I love the harmonies.

I love the compositions, but I don't know.

It's beastie.

Can you imagine a mashup between the two?

Oh, no.

Wouldn't it be nice to fight for your right?

Pretty good.

Yeah.

It would be nice.

Listen, all y'all, it's California girls.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, pretty good.

Dutton, do you have one?

Now that the two, the hugest songs were taken.

God only knows where I, what I be with.

And they're going to lagner and

it doesn't work, but they are two songs.

No, it works.

I want to talk about something that came up on the podcast in recent memory.

So Mitch was telling a truly disgusting story about having a kidney stone and the process of passing it.

He told a story about...

I don't remember this.

Yeah.

He told a story about getting Mike Hanford to stand guard while he jacked off while he had a kidney stone.

No, you got it wrong.

No, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'll say, that's how you began the story.

You said

you had a kidney stone.

You told Hanford, I have to jack off.

He's like, Oh, sure, sounds good to me.

And you went and jacked off, and then I was like, Wait, Mitch, that's not the right story.

It was Dutton, not Hanford.

Yes, and you were like, No, it happened twice, and they both did it.

I did it with both

at Fredonia.

There was a Fredonia party, and we were downstairs.

And remember, it was downstairs, and I was like, I'm passing a kidney stone, I might have to jack off into your toilet, right?

Right.

And you stood guard by that

near Tim's bathroom.

Yeah, do you remember this?

Vaguely, yeah,

I mean,

did you,

did you have to, you should have just said, I got to go past this kidney stone.

Yeah.

No, I told you I was like, I might have to jack up.

I wasn't like, but wait, but wait, how will you do it?

What techniques will you use?

Well, because also, if you remember correctly, the door had no lock.

This was like a big issue.

And so you were kind of standing guard down there.

Hanford, we were going to take, we were going to take a ride and I was passing a kidney stone.

We were going to go to, I think, to Ferguson's bachelor party.

Oh, my God.

And so, which is, I know, it's crazy.

It's like 10, over 10 years ago or 10 years ago or whatever.

You passed Kidney Stone at like a music festival porter.

Porter potty?

Yeah, with Harris.

Yeah.

Okay.

That was with Harris and Armin.

So I've passed quite a few kidneys.

But that wasn't, you weren't jacking off then.

I did not jack off at all.

Yeah.

I thought that maybe I was after you.

That one was so painful.

The one at Coachella.

Yeah.

Like I was in, I was in the porter potty.

I was like, fuck, this is happening.

This sucks.

And then we went back to the hotel room that me, Armin, and

Harris were in together.

And I remember like pissing in the toilet getting cloudy and like being so relieved.

But with you, it was at the party.

I was probably dehydrated.

I mean, there was multiple reasons why it happened, but I told you to watch Garden.

I was like, I might have to jack off.

But I think I did just.

I only vaguely remember this.

I took this in stride.

I must have.

Yeah, you did.

You were the man.

You watched the door.

You watched the door while your boy didn't jack off.

I did.

The only time I actually did jack off was when Hanford was in the other room.

That is the I did jack off that.

I imagine rigid penis makes it harder to pass.

No,

it gives,

there's a lubricant.

It gets it out.

For me, that's what it worked.

And people online, this is backed up.

This is not just my own theory about it, but people online have, people online do it.

You're saying all this while you're holding your fake joint.

I was demonstrating how it went down.

Wait,

I got another Fredonia bathroom question for you.

Yeah.

Remember the upstairs bathroom?

Certainly.

It had like a lowered ceiling.

Yeah.

Remember this?

And it had a window that kind of like went up kind of past the ceiling in this crevice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

how do I describe this?

When you're passing the bathroom, you're entering, you're going through this little hallway into what was my room.

And Hanford's room.

Okay, I wasn't going to say that part, but yeah.

And then we had our own bathroom.

They slept together in the same bedroom for a moment.

No, it was a long time.

It was Madeline style.

We were on separate sides.

Yeah.

I didn't say it was trying to say the same

like bunk beds.

It would have saved space.

Roommates they shared a room with.

It's a very common thing to do.

Post-college, you kind of can excuse it.

Yeah, yeah.

And we excused it a little too long.

Sure.

How old are you guys when you got out of here?

Shut up.

We don't need to get into it.

Did we almost have a television show?

Yes.

Did you leave that house

after we got the show or no?

Yeah.

First season, we were living there and second season we were in the new spot.

But we had our own room.

Damn.

Well, oh, you did?

Yeah, because like Dave went out to live with Katie.

Got it.

I think Tim went out to live with Jess.

But no, this is a bathroom question.

Yeah.

Okay.

We had our own bathroom where you could climb above the crawl space.

Yes.

I remember this.

And we thought it would be funny if you were in the bathroom and we kind of reached down the

little window crack and tried to grab at you.

That was you.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Yeah.

Okay.

Wasn't funny.

Yeah, it was funny.

And we passed my kidney stone.

Mitch, can you pull your mic a little bit?

Oh, sure, yeah.

Yeah.

It was what a fucking.

Yeah, fucking amateur.

Fucking amateur.

I got this gaff here.

I just doing.

Yeah,

I was podcasting, Mitch.

I mean, come on.

Fuck you.

Take it up with Casey.

He's the one who gave you a note on the air.

Well, you know, he was right.

I should have pulled a closer.

You should have.

I remember, you i think you did it and i was probably like taking a shit or something while yeah yeah trying to grab one of those logs i

loved going the bathroom you know it was you know what it was fun it was fun in that house like during parties if i had to use the bathroom i could you you and hamford had the safest bathroom which safest which was like in your bedroom and it was like separated from the rest of the mitch list it was top of the that i was going in there quite a bit wasn't there a van art's bad basement bathroom yeah it wasn't that one but he had one in his room yeah he had like no he had one in his oh he did he had when we first moved in there it was like six dudes vying for essentially three bedrooms and we kind of figured out who would go where

and chris just made the push to be like well i kind of want my own bathroom and um entrance

and uh and like i have an idea like we could just rotate every like three or six months like somebody gets the showcase spotlight room was kind of how he said it and of course nobody like once you put your shit in a room

we didn't budge for like eight years yeah of course So he had the spotlight showcase room.

That's what we called it.

Yeah, it was a great room.

And

did you inherit it?

He wasn't fucking in there.

He was, just not immediately.

Yeah.

Look, there wasn't a lot of fucking going on in the house in general.

I have a story.

It's not about fucking.

Yeah.

But it's a fun Mitch story in the house.

What?

Fun.

When you first were hanging out.

Yeah.

We were hanging out with like some female friends.

Some girls were hanging out.

One of them was like really flirty.

Okay.

Yeah.

Can we bleep her name?

I know who it is.

I know, you don't even have to say, I know who it is.

I don't know who it is.

Her name was.

Okay.

Yeah.

And

she met you, and you were like a charming dude.

We all went to a bar or something like that.

And at the end of the night, she was saying goodbye to everybody.

And she gave you a hug and you were smiling wide.

And then she jumped up and gave you a little peck

on the mouth.

Wow.

Charming fellow, huh?

Yeah, very much so.

Except he was smiling so wide that she kissed him directly on the teeth.

I remember that.

I got a teeth smooch.

Lips not involved.

No, no, only on the teeth.

A dentist's kiss.

I did get a dentist's kiss.

I remember that.

And also everyone had a crush on her.

And then that was...

That's, I mean,

that ended the story.

I only got, that was, that was the last time was a tooth kiss.

The great tooth kiss.

And you know what?

Nice, though.

I haven't washed them since.

Well, Weiger, you had a dentist's kiss, didn't you?

Didn't you have a dentist try and fuck you or or something?

I had an optometrist who wanted me to kiss her.

Optometrist.

Yeah.

That was an optometrist.

Yeah.

It was a strange situation.

I was for her, just to return her story real quick.

Does the optometrist need glasses?

Kidding.

Mitch.

You look great.

I would kiss you too if you were in the chair.

No, she was, she was examining, like, she, well, I don't remember what it was exactly, but she was like right up in my face, like as close as this microphone is to my face, like looking in my eyes.

And she just said, and it felt like the words escaped her lips and she didn't realize she was saying it aloud.

And she just goes, Oh, kiss me.

Get the fuck out of here.

And I didn't do anything.

I just held completely still.

Dude, you blew it.

Continue to move.

It's very strange.

I mean,

I wonder what I would have done in that scenario.

Jeez.

Yeah.

Isn't that weird?

Yeah, yeah.

It's very weird.

That's like the weirdest.

Like a bit.

Well, it's also, it is like a bit, but it's also like if the, the other thing, if the genders were flipped, I would

be extremely threatening.

I would be.

Right.

Oh, but for me, I'm just, I'm just like, I

the rolls and you were the optometrist.

But, like, if

you're not the type, but if you're a type of guy who just like, I'm gonna go for it.

Yeah.

And, like, does it like maybe it would, yeah.

If you're on the Beaver Patrol to cite this week's episode title, if you're on the beaver patrol,

you might be the guy that you incline on that to take it up.

One of the original birthday boys names I pitched was Beaver Fever.

That's right.

Yes.

We talked about this.

And yeah, it was, I didn't mean it in a dirty way.

It was a beaver with a thermometer coming out of its mouth.

And it was like, I thought it was like a fun, an animal.

It's named after an animal.

And everyone was like, they're going to think it's dirty no matter what.

I was like, yeah, I guess you're right.

Like a horny cat.

I got beaver fever.

It was funny.

We did draw it.

We drew like a beaver with a thermometer coming out.

And there was like a vague pink oval that he was kind of coming out of.

Yeah, that's funny.

As a nod to the other way, it could be too.

But we went with birthday.

We went with the boys.

We went with the boys.

We went with the boys.

It was the right call.

Jeff, this morning you got yourself a Wendy's Baconator breakfast sandwich.

Is that correct?

Which we reviewed on the pod with a review on the pod with the Sophie Boys.

You came in here with a Wendy's cup that you're still sipping on from this morning.

How did that sandwich land for you?

It's my go-to at Wendy's.

Your go-to?

Yeah.

Wow.

In fact, I kind of, there have been times where I like wake up early enough.

I'm like, ooh, I could get a baconator.

And then if I miss it, I'm like, dah, I'm not going to Wendy's.

I was kind of after the baconator.

If it's 10.35, I'm not like, no, I'll pivot to a chicken sandwich.

Sure.

No, no.

Yeah, I mean, if you're going for a breakfast at a.

We tried all of the stuff there.

We did.

And that was the one where I was like, this is far and away, like scratches the itch breakfast bacon at her.

Yeah.

I wonder how.

Did you go still Wendy's?

Kind of on Vermont.

Okay, okay.

It's that funny thing of like, I don't know how successful the Wendy's breakfast is.

They've kept it around, so it's got to be decently successful.

When I got my order,

when they gave me my stuff, the second time they've said this, so it must be part of the script.

They said, see you tomorrow for for breakfast.

That's pretty fucking good.

That's their sign-off.

Like, let's make this a daily thing.

Yeah.

Which would not be good for you.

No, no.

Yeah, but I mean, but you got an iced coffee too?

Maybe if it turned into your iced coffee place.

I do go too often.

I would say I get it

two times a month.

You're a breakfast guy.

You're a breakfast sandwich guy.

You've always been a breakfast sandwich guy, I feel like.

I'm a breakfast guy.

I make eggs.

Yeah.

I love making eggs.

I do bananas like every other day.

Yeah.

bananas i i i i look i'm not in the stage to be eating breakfast right now i went out with this guy the other night and we we sang karaoke it was a disaster i my whole day was destroyed it wasn't a disaster you sang in the middle

joel the river of dreams

yeah thank you amelia no one else thought that was a good choice wow that's fun if i have a video i'm gonna send it to you yeah we'll post it of of me uh singing in the river of dreams but you you made some merriment and mitch you haven't been drinking as much lately but you kind of y'all kind of went for it.

And you're out with a sloppy boy.

That's what happens.

We go out with a slop, two-thirds of the sloppy boy.

We were known to tie one on.

And same dude who's just like, I'm like, I'm getting the drink.

You want anything?

You're like, I don't know.

I maybe do a cider.

And then I was even like, I'll help you drink it.

You're like, yeah, that kind of like got you.

I'll get a cider.

This is the same guy who half an hour later will like get a round of tequila shots.

Yes, right, right.

Oops.

How do you reconcile the two, Mitch?

It's the slippery slope of alcohol.

It's the pitcher plant of like one drink

is too many and a thousand drinks isn't enough.

Once you start drinking, you can't stop.

That's my problem.

It's that Event Horizon.

Yeah, you can never quite hit it.

And then I was seeing that Event Horizon.

I was out of my mind and got Taco Bell.

That's the issue for me.

You got a bunch of glass in your face.

Oh, because of Event Horizon.

Yeah.

Take a movie.

We used to do that a lot at your place at Carl's Jr.

was the big one that we would go to quite a bit.

We had had in-and-out.

We would leave parties to go to Carl's, parties at your house to go down to Carl's Jr.

Oh, yeah.

I like that.

That's a good Carl's Jr.

Yeah.

And that was back in the days of like the Philly cheesesteak $6 burger.

Oh, sure.

Yeah, the $6 burger, which was marketed as it's a $6 burger, but it costs less than $6 because the idea of a $6 burger was insane.

And then now it's like you go to Wendy's and get a Big Mac meal and you're paying $15.

You go to Wendy's and you get a Big Mac meal.

I admit, Mitch, give me a fucking break, all right?

I didn't choke down your throat for having the microphone close enough to your face.

That was a fair hit, though, Bugs.

Fair hit.

You host a food podcast, and you're going Wendy's for a Big Mac.

You guys have been doing this for a long time.

Almost 10 years.

It's too long.

We talked about this.

It's almost going to...

I mean, I think it's almost close to overlapping Birthday Boys.

Overtaking?

Overtaking.

But is Birthday Boys still, you're still the Birthday Boys?

That's still a good thing.

Yeah, we're still the Birthday Boys.

But I'm saying the time that we did stuff together, which ended after the second season, probably.

But like, didn't like Curb had more seasons than Seinfeld, right?

Am I dreaming?

It did.

And, like, did Saul have more seasons than Breaking Bad?

I don't know.

Probably close.

It's funny when that stuff happens because you're like, I don't know.

It feels like

I'm in the Sol right now.

This is the Saul.

Go Boys is this better call Saul to Birthday Boys Breaking Bad.

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Do you think little kids are growing up wanting to be podcasters now?

Definitely.

Yeah.

Man.

Yeah.

That's a little kid.

That is a bummer.

Amelia shaking her head.

No, she doesn't agree.

I don't think so.

Amelia, you're a Zoomer.

We're talking about gen Alpha.

I forgot there's a Gen after Zoomer.

That's not the last.

They'll be the last.

They'll be the last.

Don't worry about it.

Man, if I have a child that will be born in

Gen Beta.

That's.

I miss those days.

I miss you standing guard of me, jacking off,

you reaching for me when I'm taking a shit and getting my teeth kissed.

Oh, those were the days.

I do have one more bathroom story.

Did we tell it?

No, which one?

Remember after we shot Three Problems in America?

No.

So this was your Birthday Boys sketch.

It was kind of like a,

if people haven't seen loosely a spoof of like, like when we were pitching the Doughboys show at Comedy Central, Jack Black, I've told this story.

Jack Black came downstairs and he saw me and he started going, let me tell you about the problems in America.

He started singing

the sketch and he was on, he had been on our show before.

He was on the second season of our show, but this was like a few years after he was on our show even.

That's cool, man.

And Wiggs was there, and uh, Wiggs left to go fill the meter.

Oh, see, Jack, Jack Black came over and talked to us.

Wigs left the conversation

to go put quarters in his fucking meter.

Like that Jack moment, like, could that happen in front of like the exec or at least their assistant?

No, like, no one saw it.

That would be like a show seller.

Yeah.

No, no one saw it.

Just Wigger who left.

And

Susser was there too, I believe.

Yeah.

That's fun.

He would be there.

But that guy rules.

I love that guy.

Yeah,

he really is as good as they say.

What's the bathroom story?

Well, after we shot Three Problems in America on the train tracks.

I remember this

at Griffith Park, the train tracks.

Remember, did we both have to go to the bathroom?

It's a possibility.

And we went to a Burger King?

No.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

And that was so bad.

And it was a jack-in-the-box.

Oh.

And that was bad news.

That we were going.

What did we both eat the night before or whatever?

I don't know, but it was bad.

It was one of those scenarios where I was in the bathroom and I heard a person in the bathroom be like, oh, God, Jesus.

Like, as it was happening.

But it was both of us.

And I had to wait for you to finish.

And then I had to walk into a post-apocalyptic bathroom and do the same thing again.

It was like both just punishing this toilet with like.

I think they did.

They boarded up the jacket box.

I don't think they ever.

This thing is a total do-over.

Just bulldoze it.

You know, and Chernobyl, where they, like, they poured cement over it, I believe.

I like I think even with the employees inside I think they just fucking I think they just fucking it was bad

no jack in the box here never was

It was bad.

We've shared a lot of bathroom stories together

not all of them jacking off either a lot of them were just plain shit

Interesting, right?

I was interested.

I haven't heard that story.

And I feel like I've heard most of your shit stories.

We were filming in like the cheapest studio, like way down in like city of industry, basically.

Those times where you're like out in public and you're just like in agony, dying for any option, and then you have a friend who's in that same situation.

I thought that was kind of like

that was like a nice kindred spirit bonding

for sure.

And I was like, it was one of those scenarios where I was like, you've been there with me where I'm like, I like need to, I like, you know, you know,

I just had a, I want to, I gotta, I gotta colonoscopy.

But but it is a thing of like I have trouble with this stuff.

The specific circumstance of I just need to use a restroom.

It's unavoidable.

I'm not going to be able to make it home.

I'm not going to be able to make it to like a hotel room or something.

I'm not going to have any privacy.

Whatever the closest bathroom is, I'm just going to have to use it.

And if it's like a public park or like a shitty fast food restaurant with a line to the restroom, it's like the worst, most degrading thing.

And then sometimes you just have to do it.

Your body just requires it.

Oh my God.

I may have told this.

Do we need to just tell all these kinds of stories?

Damn it, dude.

All right, one time.

He really loves it.

After

a birthday boys kiss from daddy show, we were like staying at birds or like hanging out at birds.

I probably had like a spicy, a buffalo chicken.

Yeah, let me tell you, if you had to go use the bathroom at birds, you were in big trouble.

Here's the thing: it's a bar next to UCB, and it's got one of the men's room I remember specifically

has both a toilet and a urinal and no separation.

It's just one.

When you open the door straight ahead, is a toilet.

So if you think about like a hallway of a bathroom, there's a toilet straight ahead.

So if someone was just in there taking a number two, which you might see, which you might see.

Sometimes there were just guys who don't care.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well,

we had a great show.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Birthday boys?

Crushed.

Kiss from Daddy?

Even more so.

Wow.

So we go next door to celebrate.

Yeah.

I eat as apparently as many spicy chicken things as I possibly could.

Yeah.

Then I go to my girlfriend's place and I stayed the night.

The next morning, I was like, oh boy, I need to stop home before I go to work.

Yeah.

And couldn't make it.

Oh, no.

I'm passing the block and I was like, birds, birds, perfect, the scene of the crime.

And so I pulled over because they were open.

Yeah.

And I walked in.

I like sort of like nervously poked in.

And the bar person,

whatever, bar back is kind of clean in the glasses.

I just don't make eye contact and speed walk to the back.

I do it there.

I kind of.

You're home free.

I set up shop in the bathroom.

And then one of the employees walked in.

While you were doing it?

Yeah.

And so you're just like sort of looking right at the person.

Wow.

Dude, you could never go back to birds, my man.

I did.

How did you react when they did that?

I was just like, oh, and they were like, oh, sorry.

You can't be.

Because it was sort of like, hey, we didn't think anybody was here.

We're not open.

Oh, man.

Yeah.

That's fucking embarrassing.

That's something you think, like, yeah, bar, it seems like it's like, oh, it's, it's in operation, but no, they just got the lights on.

They're doing side work.

They're not actually selling anything yet.

Yeah, I've, I've done, but bars, it feels like, are specifically perilous having to take a crap at a bar.

It's like never do anything to avoid it.

It's always like, it always feels unhygienic and it always feels like not private enough.

And then, like, you can always just.

And people get mad at you.

People, because there's always a line because so many people just have to pee.

And so if, like, you're the guy who's using the bath, taking the bathroom for themselves to take a big shit, it's like horrible.

Like, I'm doing bumps too.

Doing bumps and shitting more as you're doing it.

Whoa.

Neil Campbell, right next door was in the bathroom of UCB and a rat rat jumped on his shoulder.

Oh, yeah, I heard about this.

Yeah.

Oh, I

okay, one last bathroom story.

This one's not gross.

Also, all this is happening, by the way, because before the episode even started, I said that I have to go to the bathroom.

This is the truth.

We've got like a ticking clock for this episode.

At some point, you may have to go.

We're talking Oppenheimer.

Come on.

More like Ploppenheimer.

More like Kloppenheimer.

You're right.

Oh, good.

Non-disgusting bathroom story.

UCB Franklin.

Yes.

There's all that graffiti on the inside.

It's like,

oh, you know, Besser was here.

Whatever.

That's the big tag.

Besser was here.

There's other ones.

Yeah.

Besser rules.

DNP.

Why is Besser right?

Yeah, I don't know why he's the only one tagging.

Me, Hark Besser.

But if you look up, there's like a hole in one of the, in like the left side wall.

There's like a punch.

There's like a punch hole, but it's oddly high.

Wait, which bathroom is it?

The tiny bathroom in the mirrored, uh, in like the changing room, the mirrored area.

You might be talking about the exact spot where the rat ran up and scarred up.

I bet you, I bet you, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, but they're also famously a very unprivate bathroom.

A lot of times, there'll be a bunch of people like changing back there, and it's like, oh, well, this is my one option.

Yeah, well, there'll be improv teams, and they'll be like, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, and then they'll just hear like

as they're doing that.

You know, it's me still allowed, it like throws off the count.

They have to start over again.

And you know, it is kind of an equalizer because I've seen like every single person have to go back there and do, you know what I mean?

Like,

awful, yeah.

Um, well, this is like during a New Year's party back when the new, there used to be New Year's party, used to be like, Oh, you really don't want to go in there, yeah, it used to be like all the rage.

And I remember thinking, like, hey, this bathroom's like kind of skinny enough that I think I can sort of like put my feet on one wall and my hands on the other and sort of like climb up to the ceiling and scare the next person.

Oh, that's funny.

And so, what's up with you in bathroom scares?

It's when they're

in your bathroom scare.

So I'm like,

it does probably help you get everything out.

So I'm scooching up, right?

And I'm like, scooch, scooch, scooch.

And I'm like, at this point, I'm like a good five feet up in the air.

And then I realize that I'm like blocking the light, the ceiling light.

Oh, wow.

That would be a tell for anybody that I was hoping to scare.

But I still am like, oh, I'm going to see how high I can go.

And I can get, I get a little bit higher, and then my butt

pushed into the wall and created that dent.

You're responsible for that.

You're responsible for the rat's home?

They're like, yeah, I guess I made the rat's home.

What a reveal.

It was like, crunch.

Oh, I better get down and get out of here.

Get back to the party, man.

Can I also make a confession?

That rat,

every comedy bit I've done, he's under my hat.

He controls me.

I'm pulling your hair.

He's pulling my hair and he's controlling me.

Oh, no.

He's a really, he's a really funny rat.

Because I'm really funny, right?

That's what it translates to.

Yeah, he's a really funny rat.

All right.

No more shit talk?

No, thank God.

I don't know if I have anything queued up.

No.

Amelia?

Let me think about it.

We'll come back to you.

That time I ate 20 packing peanuts and I.

Yeah,

I don't feel so good.

New Year's.

So you had the the New Year's Eve it used to be?

You get any nice teeth kisses?

No.

Just slip out.

Oh, I have a good one.

You have a good bathroom story?

Yeah.

So when I was a teenager, we call this in my family.

It's known as the brown unicorn story.

Cock.

It's already disgusting.

Like Dutton, I like to pull pranks on my family members in the bathroom, around the bathroom.

We're very...

What is wrong with you guys?

Your lives are different from mine.

Keep going.

I just like pull bathroom pranks a lot.

So I was doing this thing where I would put raisinettes in the toilet and I wait for my dad's scorpion to find them.

Wait, how old are you?

This was between the ages of like 10 and 20.

Okay, okay.

This is good.

Great.

Yeah, good range.

But this story takes place from when I was maybe like 15, 16.

Okay, you were 15 at the time.

Yeah.

So I was putting raisinets.

Exactly in the middle.

Between 10 and 20.

Also a huge swath of time where you like change as an individual more than you do at any point in your life.

I didn't change at all.

So I was putting raisinettes in the toilet.

I was putting baked beans on the rim of the toilet and leaving it there for Scorpion to find.

Jesus.

And he'd be like, ha ha, Amelia, very funny.

And then he'd like.

You know, he didn't think it was funny.

Yeah.

Raisinettes is funny because it's like rabbit turds.

I've had some raisinette.

I've been in that area before.

Keep it with you.

Braisinette.

Oh, okay.

I'll make it quick.

I've never seen a raisinette that big.

Well, one day

I took a shit that somehow breached the surface of the toilet.

Oh, my God.

Wait, you mean the water or the bowl?

The bowl.

What the fuck?

Wow.

How is that going to happen?

It just

stood on erect

outside.

I don't know how it happened, but it wasn't even, it was out of the water, out of the rim of the bowl.

Washington Monument but brown.

Exactly.

It looked just like that.

And I was like, you know what?

It would be funny

if I left it here.

I left it.

Well, I did try to

fudge it.

It didn't go down.

And let me guess, Scorpio's like, oh, what are these big raisin-ass faces?

You're exactly right.

Scorpion went in and he was like, ha, very funny, baked beans again.

And he touched it and he sniffed it and he was like, oh, baby.

No, Scorpion, you're disgusting.

Amelia, you're making me gag.

And then he washed his hands and now it's known as the brown unicorn.

How did you unclog the toilet?

I, well, it wasn't clogged.

I just, he's, he's actually, Scorpion was.

Wait, you you tried to flush it.

It didn't flush.

And then...

I left it because I thought it would be funny.

Yeah.

Scorpion touched it.

Here's the thing.

Why would you even touch it even if it was baked beans?

Yeah, sure.

Why would you touch anything brown that's in or around?

Well, you cry Wolf so many times, you figured it wasn't.

It's true, yeah.

Yeah.

I also could just throw it back and say, why would you do what you did?

I don't know how he did it, but he said he broke it up into little pieces and then flushed it.

Got it.

Oh my fucking shit.

Yeah, get the hedge clippers.

We're going to start

chunking this up.

It's probably because you eat packing peanuts that they're so fucking.

It probably is a part of the reason why these things are like coming out so.

Yes.

Look, I don't know how this maybe is a one rare instance of the brown unicorn, but

that really almost made me wretch.

Really, truly the most revolting thing that maybe has ever been said on the podcast.

Yeah, and also on any podcast.

Which

is not also, it's not surprising for us either.

Yeah.

I loved it.

Stalactite spire poking out of a fucking

toilet bowl like a middle finger at Almighty God.

It's disgusting.

That is a really beautiful rendition.

Well, it's yours.

Okay, so let's talk about Beaver Patrol.

Let's shift from shit to mustard because shit is brown.

Shit can sometimes be yellow.

Mustard is yellow, can sometimes be brown.

We're going to talk about the whole gamut of different mustard varietals here.

And this is stuff that instead of coming out of your asshole, goes into your mouth.

So that's a key difference between mustard and shit.

Kind of a reverse tenant sort of situation.

All right.

Goes in your mouth.

No, it's a tenant.

It's a tenant.

It's a straight-up tenant.

No, no, is it a reverse tenant?

A reverse tenant is when you're shitting.

No, reverse tenant was you're sucking shit up into your ass.

Yeah, but we but we called shitting reverse tenant.

Yeah, yeah.

So this is a reverse tenant.

This is a reverse tenant, yeah.

Because you're a reverse tenet of

a way, in a sense.

So here's the thing: I want to do this episode, um, not get into this uh truly disgusting subject matter.

I want to talk about this, these mustards because I love them.

I am a big fan of the Beaver brand mustards.

Beaverton Foods, the company was founded in 1929.

It so it is in its 95th year of operation.

This is a this is an OG business, uh, founded by Italian immigrant Rose Beege, who bottled horseradish in her cellar to survive the Great Depression.

Uh, Beaver Brand is the first brand to sell horseradish cream and also the first brand to sell honey mustard commercially.

We're going to taste their honey mustard.

Has an array of condiments, but its focus is mustard, and that's what we're tasting today.

We brought on our boy, the biggest fan of beaver there is, Jeff Dunn.

We're here on Beaver Patrol

with a man who's continually on the prowl trying to trap the beef.

So beaver brand mustards were first introduced to me by my brother, Nate Weiger.

He was a big, like, he got to try this beaver stuff.

And one of them, in particular, a few of these, but in particular, the sweet hot mustard.

It's a funny setup.

Dude, I swear we had an interaction years ago.

Yeah.

Mustard came up.

Yes.

And I was talking about that Ingelhoffer sweet hot mustard.

Right.

And like, that's kind of my go-to.

When I can't find that, or let's be honest, this is way cheaper.

It is.

I'll get the Beaver Sweet Hot.

And I mentioned it to you.

And I remember you being like, that's a good mustard.

Yeah, it's a great mustard.

Beaver sweet hot.

That's some good.

Beaver sweet hot.

We know you are also a mustard enthusiast, though.

Where did mustard rank in your condom?

I was so pumped about mustard.

And I like like do all different kinds and stuff.

Like, I like the natural ones that are like very seedy.

Yeah.

That are almost like.

You remember phloem?

Floam.

I remember floam.

There's gak and then there's phloam.

Oh, phloam.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Come on.

You don't remember phloem?

No, but I thought you were talking about a condiment.

I was like trying to place it.

No, no, no.

Because it's got gak, yeah.

It's got little pellets of styrofoam in it about the size of a mustard seed.

And I'm not saying Schneider about it, if you don't know.

I'll cinemate deck.

Is it?

Wait.

Oh, Nickelodeon.

Yeah, yeah.

He didn't have a weird phloam thing, I I hope.

No, he had a lot of weird things, but

I don't know.

He's Weiger's friend.

Anyway, a good natural mustard is going to be a little like phloem.

It's going to be a little phloamy.

I know what you're saying.

I get that.

Have I told you the Dan Schneider story?

I can't tell it on the pod, but.

Oh, I would love to.

You got to tell it afterwards.

I get what you're saying with phloem.

He's not my friend.

This is not.

Just to clarify, the secret Dan Schneider story, he's not my friend.

Yeah.

The thing with phloam is another non-edible thing, like packing peanuts.

Yeah.

You're not supposed to eat it, but I know the texture of phloam that you're talking about.

And the mouthfeel.

And the mouthfeel.

And the mouthfeel.

I mean, you're not supposed to eat it, but I know what you're talking about.

By the way, when Nate Weiger said, I got to get you some beaver, I don't think he was talking about.

I'm glad that that's what you settled on.

Thanks, Nate.

I got some.

Are you just like coming home with 70 mustards?

I used a search engine for beaver.

Alta Vista told me that beaver brand is what I'm looking for.

Beaver.

Time period accurate.

I like it.

Okay, so we have, we have all, I'm going to list these all off, but I think the way we're actually going to go through these is in order of like most normal, like most conventional, most classic.

So we've got a Chinese mustard, we've got a classic yellow mustard, a Coney Island mustard, a cranberry mustard, deli mustard, Dijon mustard, mild Dijon mustard, ghost pepper mustard, hickory bacon mustard, honey mustard, jalapeno mustard, stone ground mustard, and sweet hot mustard.

Let's start with a classic yellow.

Man, hand us all a plate.

Why?

Actually, can we nuke the pretzels quickly?

Yes.

Okay.

And how do you do you need a bathroom break?

Because this would be opportunity.

Okay, great.

We'll keep going.

I'm going to keep defiant.

No.

I'm going to keep going.

All right.

Thank you, Amelia.

No.

All right.

So I'm going to start.

As I do this, I'm just going to put a little bit, a little reservoir on everyone's plate.

How about that?

And one thing I like about the plate.

I like the idea of each of us having a plate.

You squirt your mustard and you pass it around.

Okay, okay.

We'll each do our own squirt.

One thing I like about the beaver brand is they've got like a big wide-mouth nozzle.

Like, I like that it's like pretty easy to get out of there.

Like a big slam.

Yeah, it is like a big slam.

It's a little fucking.

There's residue.

Don't worry about it.

I got a little, I got a little.

It's funny that, you know, you think of condiments, you immediately think of Heinz.

But French's is like, nobody's touching French's.

This is like, is this going to even touch French's?

I don't know.

I think that I, I mean, I love French's.

I do like a yellow French's mustard.

It's great.

Yeah.

But

I think some of these specialty mustards are pretty damn good.

I agree.

Here's what I will say is that

I don't feel as strongly about the French yellow mustard as I do about the Heinz basic ketchup as just a baseline.

And I've actually had Heinz ketchup.

Or I'm sorry, Heinz mustard.

Isn't that weird to come across when you're like, huh?

Yeah, Heinz Mustard.

Well, I got it at Costco because they had a pack of mustard, ketchup, and relish.

So I was like, all right, fine, I'll give this a go.

And I was having, I was like, this kind of mustard ain't bad.

The yellow mustard.

That's how they get you.

That's how they get you.

The combo packs.

And then the relish.

You got the relish lasts for a long time.

And sweet relish, too.

Not my thing.

I'm a dill.

I do like the Dillmore.

You like the Dillmore?

I like Sweet Relish, okay.

The one I got at Costco was great.

I went through it.

But like, yeah, if I'm buying them a la carte, I would not opt for the Heinz mustard, and I would not opt for the Sweet Relish.

Coney Island mustard.

That's an interesting one.

I wonder what the flavor difference.

I'm sure that a lot of New York people are mad here, but a mustard Joey chestnut must be.

That's right.

Well, some of these I'm less familiar with.

Like, some of these I've never had.

I thought there were maybe four or five tops.

Like, I'd seen, you know, four or five tops.

Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to keep going with these.

I'm going to take the Dijon next, and I'm going to squeeze a little bit on my plate, and we can just kind of keep going with these.

I think you're going out of control right now.

I think that

I got a little pre-come here.

Jesus Christ.

I didn't shake it up, so it got a little bit, just a little drizzle of separated vinegar.

There we go.

Oh, there's a nice little healthy.

My plate looks like it's got a little creme on there, too.

So this is the regular Dijon, and then we've also got the mild Dijon.

Mild Dijon.

That's getting very close to his other mustards.

Slight possibility of contamination.

This one is made with white wine.

I'm not sure what, I guess we'll just, it'll just should have just a milder flavor.

Wait, are we going to dump all mustards before we start tasting this?

No, this doesn't have to.

I just figured we could get ahead of it a little bit.

It's 2-3.

3-3.

All right.

So here's, I'm going to grab one of these pretzels.

We got these soft pretzels.

What brand were these, Amelia?

Super pretzels.

What was that?

Super pretzels.

Branded super pretzels.

Got it.

So we have some microwave soft pretzels that we're using for dipping.

And I said, ooh, super pretzel.

Then you said, I said, I love them.

And you said, one man's trash.

That's what you said to me.

I remember that, Amelia.

Okay.

The yellow mustard.

Very judgy.

I didn't judge you when you left a giant dookie fucking coming out of your toilet.

You almost wretched.

Okay.

Okay.

The yellow mustard is very standard.

The Dijon mustard, I understand why they have a mild Dijon is like kind of like almost choke a little bit there because that Dijon is pretty potent.

Let me try the mild for

regular mustard's going in now.

I like that Dij.

I do like the Dije.

And I do like that mild quite a bit.

It's got almost a little bit more tang to it.

It's like the vinegar stands all over the place.

What is so the Dijon, that sting, that's not a horseradish sting.

that's just straight-up mustard seed sting, right?

Yeah, I'm not sure if this one has added horseradish, they do have horseradish mustards, right?

But like, like that, that sort of like wasabi, uh, kind of creeping sinus sting, yeah, that you associate with horseradish, you also get it from mustard, right?

Dijon mustard.

This one's pretty potent.

Okay, I like it, but it looks a long way with that with that proper Dijon.

Yeah, light Dijon is good.

Casey, where do you stand on mustard?

Both great.

I like mustard.

I'm like,

I'm,

when I eat a hot dog, just mustard, please.

Yeah.

That's how I do it.

Just mustard.

No ketchup.

I do straight up yellow mustard.

Kind of, I mean, I'll kind of go with whatever they got.

I love going to like this place downtown, like

those bra places, like Worst Kutsch.

Oh, yeah, those are fun.

They got like a varietal, yeah, a bunch of different sausages.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll try them all.

Those are a hoot.

Uh, these are all good.

Call Dr.

Guillaume because this is a sinus cleanser.

That's my ENT, Dr.

Guillam.

I'm going to go back to that Dijon.

Yeah, I like the Dijon.

You're going to listen to me.

I might like.

What did you want from that?

Okay.

Call Dr.

Guillaume, Lags.

Kai Wool.

I kind of like the mild war, I think.

I like both of them.

They're both good.

If it's on a sandwich,

I don't know.

It's funny to go like straight to the dome with these.

It is.

Like, under what circumstances are you having this much mustard?

Look,

I don't want to cause any panic, but I think we might need more pretzels.

Oh, I have to packing peanuts.

I'm not going to use the packing peanuts, which Amelia put in a bowl to eat.

Well, I've eaten so far.

Look, we have like 14 mustards to get through.

I've tasted three of them.

I've eaten half of one soft pretzel, so we might have have enough with the remaining pretzels we have.

We also have another pack of

supers?

Supers.

And we have hard pretzels if you want to do that.

All right.

I've got the

next three.

Let's do them.

We got a honey mustard.

We got a deli mustard.

We got a stone ground mustard.

Now, do you want me to do all these first, or do we want to, should we do?

I think I'm going to try these all on their own.

Okay.

That's a good yellow mustard.

Right?

Yeah.

There's the honey mustard.

That's being circulated.

The deli mustard is up next.

Now, this is the thing is like the individual bottles don't necessarily have a lot of context for what the flavors are.

They're just kind of the same copy on each of them.

Let me tell you, as I get older, just the

like a horseradish is I like a good horseradish.

I like a me too.

I put it in tuna.

Oh, my goodness.

So fun.

Put a big glob in there.

Oh, that deli, that's got that phloem.

Yeah, we got the, and then we've got the stone ground, which I think is even more phloamy.

Fuck yeah.

Boy, that stone ground is lots of lots of stones in it.

Honey mustard, I was introduced to at, I I think, Wegmans.

Oh, yeah.

That's a delectable honey mustard.

I love that Wegman so much.

Yep.

I will say this beaver brown honey mustard, quite good.

Okay, I'm going honey.

Here we go.

I'm sure the deli mustard now.

Do you like the visible granules when you get the deli mustard?

I do like that.

I think that's really fun.

Going into the honey mustard.

Ooh, that's that's interesting.

Honey is light and sweet.

Honey mustard is good.

What do you eat honey mustard with?

I mean, on a sandwich, a little overpowering on a sandwich.

I like it on a sandwich.

Amelia, what was that?

Was that a toilet flush?

No, that was.

I went to open a video that Emma sent us of Jemmy getting groomed at Jess Rona's.

Wow.

And

it

made a lot of noise.

I'm sure it'll be all over social by the time this episode's out.

Yeah.

I'm going to heat up that other pack of supers.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Deli.

Okay.

All right.

A lot lot of chewing this episode uh apologies to our listeners uh who have mesophonia and remind us that it is real i think i would go with the um i think i go with the stone ground mustard a little bit i agree the stone ground is great but i do like that honey mustard a lot as honey mustards go i agree with you that honey mustard is pretty situational there's a lot of context where yeah it's it's just like almost like this becomes the the the mustard is becoming the star of the show and i don't necessarily need that for my mustard

but i there are times when i like honey mustard.

Like, not like a burger.

I'm not going to do that on a burger.

Nuggets.

Yeah, nuggets.

It actually absolutely works.

And honestly, I think something like a context like dipping a soft pretzel is like where honey mustard is, you know, proving its metal.

What do you think, Dutch?

I used to get it on that, that Wegman's, like, what was it called?

Like, Danny's Favorite or something like that.

It was just like the Italian kind of three-meat

big old sub.

And I liked just.

Because it's a mustard, but it's also kind of like a sweet glaze, you know?

It was nice on a big fat sub.

I keep coming back to that Dijon.

The Dijon's good.

The Dijon's very good.

Still kind of the winner for me.

Yeah.

But that is, there's got to be horseradish in that, right?

It is very.

I don't know.

Okay, so the next up, we have a Coney Island.

Now, this is mustard rich with onions, pickles, and tomatoes.

Okay.

So that's what's going on there.

That's what makes it Coney.

I'm going to squeeze myself a little dollop here.

Oh, man.

What?

Like I said, to call Dr.

Guilla, my sinuses get fucking cleared out every time I have a bite of that Dijon mustard.

Now, this one, we're talking about, you know, heat here.

I wonder if we should hold off on this one.

Maybe I will.

Because the Chinese mustard says it's extra hot.

So maybe we'll do this cranberry mustard.

This is rich with honey and tangy cranberries.

And then for audio listeners, this one has a deep purple hue.

Like this one almost looks like ube.

It really looks nothing like the mustards that we've had so far.

I guess that cranberry is just so, you know.

Well,

I'm looking at this right now.

I just, I'm reading the back of this.

Here, I'm reading the back of this bad boy here.

Now, spanning four generations, our family-owned and operated business is as passionate today as when Grandma Rose.

Into the mic, Mitch.

When our Grandma Rose sold our very first jar, creating award-winning condiments with bold flavors is our love in life.

Enjoy.

That's on the back of each one of these.

This one is also

pretty, pretty

spry, promises to be extra hot.

This is a jalapeno mustard, bursting with peppers and garlic.

Hand that over to you, Jeff.

This Dijon mustard doesn't have any horseradish in it.

It is not on the label.

Yeah, it is just mustard seed powder that's freaking you out.

Man, these are some chunkers, huh?

Yeah, this is the thing.

The viscosity of these, they get a little.

It's like a lot of fresh vegetables chunking out.

Exactly.

There's a lot going on with them.

All right, I'm going to start with the Coney Island mustard.

Yeah.

Which I think is...

Yes.

There we go.

It's the yellower one.

I don't know about cranberry mustard.

I'm just going to say that right now, where I'm not just sure about cranberry mustard.

Ooh, the coney one is fun.

Okay.

Yeah.

That I could see just putting on a hot dog and then I'm set.

Why?

Because it's kind of like that idea I had, remember?

Ketchup and stuff?

Yeah, I like ketchup and stuff.

Repitch it so Dutton can evaluate his stuff.

My idea for ketchup and stuff is like, you know, when like you're dipping your burger in, and then there's like onion in there and pickle pieces.

Yeah.

And I was like, that's the idea for ketchup and stuff is like a little piece of lettuce.

That's great.

And pickle and all in the ketchup.

Yeah, like the stuff that breaks off.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

It's funny because when it's chips and dips,

that actually pisses me off.

Yeah.

Wait, what do you mean?

When you break off a ruffle and someone's sourcing, you're like, that's annoying.

But then

when you fish it out, it's like, hey, now my dip has like an extra little prize.

Yeah, a little more texture.

That's fun.

I guess it's not all bad.

Man, you guys both did a much better job than me.

On my plate is almost,

I'm almost out of room on my plate.

You're surrounded.

I am surrounded.

Let's see what happens here with this.

Are we doing crayon?

I did do crown.

I'm not sure how I feel about crayon.

I'm going to take another bite.

You know what?

I'm with you on this corner island when I did not know that it's basically ketchup and stuff.

It's mustard and stuff, basically.

Ooh.

I yell at the sloppy boys for eating on the mic all the time.

They would tear me apart knowing I was eating on the mic like this.

Well,

it is a drink the dog has.

So what are they eating?

Oh, when you're trying food?

I don't know.

Like, they'll try and sneak snacks and stuff.

And I just like, I hear it.

Or like we did a, we did a Hot Ones episode.

Yeah.

Where we were kind of eating wings or whatever.

And it is gross.

I don't know if I have like mesophony or whatever, but I really do try and police that.

Well, you were editing that for a while, too, aren't you?

Yeah.

But so how often do you guys eat on the mic?

I thought that we're pretty good about not doing it.

I don't think we're chewing into the mic too aggressively.

I have been.

Sorry.

So you're chewing into the mic and then you move it away so you can talk.

I have finished my first pretzel.

I'm glad we got additional pretzels.

Good call, Mitch.

I think the cranberry mustard has got too much going on.

I don't think I need it.

I think it's a little too sweet and also a little too specifically cranberry-y.

You know what's funny?

I don't like the jalapeno mustard I thought I would.

It's got a kick to it.

It's spicy.

I like the jalapeno mustard quite a bit.

I think it's really good.

It's got too much of a weird sweetness to it.

I don't know.

I kind of like that element.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, it is what it is.

That's what it says on the tin, you know?

Yeah.

The cranberry mustard reminds me of the easy squirt, you know what I'm saying?

The Heinz, like.

Put it on a gobbler?

Oh.

Think about it.

Why would that work on a gobbler?

Because I always, I like, well, I guess I do like a...

I don't ever put mustard on a gobbler, but I'll put the...

I think that would work really well on a gobbler.

I think Duds is right.

These are all like B to C tier for me this round.

Oh, excuse me.

I'm going to have hiccups.

From the spice?

I get that sometimes.

I think I can will it away.

Yeah.

What's your technique for getting rid of hiccups?

I can tell you what the actual technique is.

Please.

I hold my breath for so long.

Yeah, I hold my breath for so long.

I can do that too.

I can do that too.

But

I was at a party and I was plugging my nose and drinking water.

Okay.

And Jocelyn, you know Jocelyn.

You know, Jocelyn, yeah.

She was like, no, no, no.

You're only halfway there.

And she plugged my ears.

Whoa.

Plug your nose, plug your ears.

You might need need a partner and drink water slowly.

Cured like that.

So that for me, that was the trick.

Well, I used to do, I used to hold my nose and drink water because I learned that from Sesame Street.

Like, you're supposed to trick your body into thinking that it's drowning, I heard.

Yeah, okay.

But then I eventually,

I like what I just, on my own, I think if I just hold my breath, I don't think I need to drink, be drinking the water too.

But then I have to hold my breath for so long.

And then you're holding your breath and hiccuping at the same time.

That can be like a little uncomfy.

What I'll do is I'll, like, if I have a hiccup, I'll restart.

That's like, okay, time to take another big gulp of breath and then hold it for a song.

What happened?

Ah!

Ah!

Look!

You touched a hot pretzel and your hand is burned.

Pretzel burned my fucking hand.

They're hot, by the way.

First the unicorn, brown unicorn, and now the hot pretzel.

You're the finest pranker there is, Amelia.

It is hot.

Is it hot?

It is.

Burn yourself.

Wait for a fucking bro.

It's fucking fine.

Shut up.

All right,

let's move on to another mustard, Wags.

Yeah, we got some more here.

Where's everyone standing so far?

We got a favorite?

I have two favorites.

I'll put them forward right now.

One is

Stone Ground mustard.

I like that one a lot.

Yeah, it's good.

And then my other one is, I'm with Duts,

Classic Dijon.

Full strength Dijon.

I will go, I like Stone Ground, and I like that jalapeno.

Yeah.

But I also...

All right.

I disagree with you a lot.

But I also like their regular honey mustard.

I think that's pretty good.

I do think that the Coney Island one is fun, but after a few bites of it, I'm like, meh, it's a little sticky sweet too with that sweet relish.

Yeah.

All right.

We've got the.

This is not a sweet relish, guy.

We got a few here.

I don't know what's going to be the hottest.

I imagine that's the hot towards the end?

Yep.

We've got the hickory bacon, which we can start with.

I'm not going to have any of these because this does have real bacon in it, but y'all can try this one.

Let me know what you think.

And then we'll get the final three queued up, which is the Chinese mustard, which is extra hot, the sweet hot mustard, which is not particularly hot, but does have some War Stroudish character to it, and the Ghost Pepper mustard, which I imagine is the hottest.

Can I tell you what I think?

Yeah.

I think you should do your fucking job and eat the bacon mustard.

Oh, God.

What an awful thing to say.

You're my boy, Duts.

That hasn't changed.

Wages hasn't made it yet.

I don't want to be your boy.

I don't want to be your boy.

I'm my own boy.

That's who I want to be.

I want to be me.

I'm going to say this.

I'm going to swag some this ghost mustard.

This ghost pepper mustard is very red.

I'm going to say this.

This is alarming.

Right off the bat, wags?

Yeah.

Where did it go?

You said

this one?

Wags?

You did not miss a thing.

This is my least favorite mustard.

Your least favorite.

Hold on.

Hickory bacon is my least favorite so far.

Let me get in there.

Amelia, what's your mustard preference?

Oh, yeah.

I like brown mustard a lot.

Yeah.

I like when it has that

horseradishy, heady, nasally

burn.

Have you had the sweet hot?

I haven't.

I'd be interested in your perspective on this, but you might like the Dijon because that one's definitely got that sort of kick to it, as does the mild Dijon.

We're going to try this Chinese mustard, too, which I imagine will have some of that.

Let me see if this has any horseradish in it.

It does

not.

I don't think so.

Water, mustard seed, vinegar, a bunch of spices, and ginger.

All right, let me,

I've sprayed all three of these onto my plate.

Here you go.

Here's the Chinese.

The jalapeno one has too much of like a tomato taste to it.

I do not like it, and I do not like this bacon one.

Okay.

What are you tasting from the bacon one?

It's like a smoky.

Chinese.

Oh, yeah, that was the Chinese.

Here's the sweet hot.

My nose is running.

Wow, okay.

Hello, old friend.

What did he say?

Hello, old friend.

I love that sweet hot.

I love it.

And there's the ghost pepper.

All right.

I am going to have.

I love a good Chinese mustard.

I'm excited to try it.

Yeah.

Let me try this Chinese mustard.

Ooh.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, yeah.

It's potent.

It's got a little bit of sourness to it, which is nice.

Yeah, that one will clear you out.

Amelia, you might like this one.

I'll get in there.

The sweet hot.

Damn.

I mean, here's what I remember from Chinese restaurants as a kid.

Yeah.

It was like my parents were like, this is mustard, but you're not going to want it.

It's like the hot Chinese mustard.

That's good.

That really.

God, that sweet hot rolls.

I love it.

Dr.

Guillem, you're not going to have to use any of your instruments to look through up my nose here.

Save your instruments today.

Save your instruments, Dr.

Guillem.

I maybe just had too much of the sculpted pepper.

Dr.

Guillem stuff's not going over like I wanted it to.

Yeah, I would guess it's like maybe not a universal reference.

Yeah, I guess not everyone who goes to Dr.

Guillaume.

Right.

Or even is clear on what you're saying.

I think sweet hot even has more of a burden, but hey, it does.

Be honest.

You thought it was pretty good.

I liked it.

And let me tell you, having this sweet hot mustard, this Chinese mustard, this ghost pepper mustard all in a sequence,

I'm not going to be needing to go to Dr.

Guillaume anytime.

Is Guillaume?

You like that guy?

Yeah, he's good.

Okay, great.

I feel like you have all the good doctors.

He's a French one, huh?

French guy.

I don't know what his deal is.

Dr.

Guillaume?

It sounds like a French name.

It's a real educated type, you know?

Oh, I would hope so.

Sweet Hot's pretty hot, too.

Yeah, it is hot.

I really like the sweet hot.

I love the sweet hot.

Sweet hot.

It's my favorite.

Well,

you'll find at grocery stores, unlike a lot of these freaks.

Yeah, some of these are true freaks.

well i this is the i feel like kind of the disease of more here and i feel like beaver brand maybe these are selling maybe people are doing the same exercise we're doing but it feels like some of these they're doing like the cranberry uh like maybe the jalapeno though i did like the jalapeno but it it kind of feels like chinese mustard is is kill is chinese mustard is very strong very strong i didn't try the ghost pepper that's the only way i'd try it

what do you think the ghost pepper i think is the most like i the most just like straight burn as opposed to horseradish okay but i think some of these varietals are maybe a little unnecessary there's a lot of overlap A lot of overlap, yeah.

Oh, my goodness.

I mean, ghost pepper is a term that gets thrown around a lot, too.

Yeah.

No, and a lot of times, like, they'll be like, hey, like, a Wendy's might have, like, hey, we got our ghost pepper fries.

In fact, I think they had those for a time.

They weren't particularly spicy.

Yeah.

There's a ghost pepper fries.

This one, this is legitimately pretty spicy.

Like, if I had a whole sandwich that was this, I'd be like, oh, that burn's going to linger.

I don't like it.

It's like, yeah, I don't think I need this.

It's not good.

It's like just a little too aggressively hot.

Amelia, which ones did you sample?

I had the Chinese mustard.

It was really good.

Yeah, that one's good.

You should try the sweet hot.

And then, Casey, if you want to get up on any of these as well.

Sure.

And a Dijon.

Just a classic Dijon will set you right.

That seems like a good Triforce.

That actually might be our holy triforce here or Holy Trinity.

What's that?

Is the sweet hot, the Chinese, and the Dijon.

Ooh, man.

Feeling for the ghost pepper?

I'm just.

It's a waterworks over here.

Yeah.

I wouldn't do like a joke with like, it's like ghost pepper, but it's like a ghost that's a pepper.

That's pretty good.

Yeah, it'd be good.

Like it's like haunting a restaurant or something like that.

That's pretty good.

He goes to Dr.

Guillaume.

He's alive and well.

He's not stressed because

these beaver mustards are doing all the work for him.

Wait, that has to be a joke in like Sausage Party or something.

Dr.

Guillaume?

I've seen Sausage Party.

I don't remember Dr.

Guillaume or a Ghost Pepper joke.

There's got to be.

Yeah, maybe there is.

There's a new Sausage Party show.

And if there's not a Ghost Pepper in that thing, there's a new Sausage Party show?

Yeah.

Are you looking for a Dijon?

What was the third one that you had?

I think just the regular Dijon you might want to.

That's great news.

Yes.

I was going to say.

There's a new Sausage Party show.

Oh,

an embarrassment of riches here

in these United States.

States.

Isn't it like such a bummer when you see those Instagram posts where it's just like, these were the movies that were out in summer 1987?

It's just like banger, banger, banger, banger, banger.

And then box office used to be so.

You look what we have now, and it's just like Troll's World Tour.

Or even like the ones that are trying to be good.

Did anyone eat a packing peanut with mustard?

I didn't.

I mean, I will.

I'll do that shit.

Give me that dige.

I gotta tell you, the Chinese mustard is nearly almost too hot.

It's very spicy.

We got that Dijon floating around.

Oh, shit.

Did I get mustard on the bottom of the mic?

It's okay.

It's all right.

So

I got this little...

Wait, did you do your joke?

What?

Mitch, did you do

your joke on the show?

Oh.

The flag.

The mic flag just fell.

We're falling apart here.

That's okay.

We're towards the finish I'm looking for that Dijon there we go I got yes

The packing peanuts a flashback to me stepping out of the shower this morning.

That's what it was.

I can't remember if you said it on the show.

I thought you did.

I thought I did.

Okay, I couldn't remember.

Fuck.

You're really feeling it.

Yeah.

Was it from the Chinese mustard or from the ghost pepper?

Chinese mustard.

I ate a lot of it.

Okay.

Ghost pepper, I don't even mic.

Yeah, I think it's okay.

I just, I don't, I don't think it's.

The sweetheart is actually fucking.

There he is.

There he goes.

Which one are you doing?

Chinese?

Dijon.

Dijon.

Okay.

Amil, what the fuck's going on over there?

She's wincing.

Ooh.

Are you feeling it?

China.

It's good.

It's good.

Where are you feeling it from?

Can I be honest with you?

This is maybe more difficult than the hot ones challenge.

It is like just a different spice.

Yeah, a different sort of density.

Jeff just ate a packing peanut with the mustard.

It's actually really good with the packing peanut.

I did too, and it was honestly great.

Because it just sort of like yet a little bit of texture and then just melted in just pure mustard flavor.

It's pretty good.

I still do not want to eat one.

Yeah.

All right.

Let me look at the full list here, and let's see if we can come up with some individual or collective top three.

I'll go down the list again.

Okay, so we've got the.

Amelia's not doing well.

I love it, but

it hurts so good.

Is it Chinese mustard that's doing it to you?

No, it's the...

Well, it's actually all three of them.

Okay.

How do you feel in relation to Dr.

Guillem?

Do you think you'll have have to see him or not actually?

I think I'm going to have to see him.

You are going to have to see him.

Oh, you are?

Oh, wow.

You're supposed to be awesome.

I don't know.

I don't know how the fucking joke works.

They're all pretty.

I mean, eating these...

You guys are doing much better than I am.

I'm pretty good with spice.

We're mustard guys.

Yeah, we're mustard guys.

I'm sweating up a storm.

I actually have tears forming.

Wow.

I'm sweating up a storm.

I'm not reacting as bad as you are to these.

Yeah.

But I really like the sweet heat.

Yeah, that one's great.

All right, so here's the full list.

We got the Chinese mustard, classic yellow, Coney Island, cranberry, deli, Dijon, Ghost Pepper, Hickory Bacon, Honey Mustard, Jalapeno, Mild Dijon, Stone Ground, and Sweet Hot.

I mean, if we're going to do a top three, obviously,

I think sweet hot to me stays the king.

I'd put sweet hot at the top.

I do really like that Dijon.

I'm trying to just decide if I like the flavor flavor of the mild Dijon more.

I think I might honestly go.

You know what?

I think I would actually do.

I think I would go sweet hot.

I think I would go surprise pick for me, Coney Island, and then I think I would go Chinese mustard.

In fact, I really go Chinese second and Coney Island third.

That would be my ranking.

What do you think of the Spoon Man?

I'm a mess over here.

Yeah.

Do you have a top three?

You like the deli?

You like the Stone Ground?

Do you like the

Stone ground?

Yeah.

Sweet hot.

Oh, man.

It's either Dijon or Chinese.

The Chinese might just be a little too crazy.

Yeah.

Dijon's like a...

Dijon is a...

Dijon is like a nice little in-between.

You can have that up a strong sandwich and you'd be sitting pretty.

The sweet hot kind of does what the Chinese monster does, too, in a way.

It's like still, it's very spicy.

They're all very good.

Yeah, they're great.

I said sweating up a storm, which reminded me of Storm from X-Men.

Look at Jeff's shirt.

You didn't talk about your Magneto shirt.

It's cool as hell.

Thanks, bro.

Yeah, that's sick.

Magneto was right.

Wow.

That doesn't make sense unless you watch anyone.

Come on.

We here in the Doughboys want to say we do not agree that Magneto was right.

I'm a Magneto fan.

Mitch, you can't say that on the podcast.

I'm writing them in November.

What do you think, Dutton?

Top three?

Top three.

I'm surprised.

I was kind of hoping that something would dethrone my beloved sweet hot.

Yes, me too.

But no, it's number one for a reason.

It's in all the grocery stores for a reason.

You're not going to find cranberry in some of these weirder ones.

Even like Coney Island, I feel like I might have seen that.

But

by the way, my ears are popping.

So it really is truly clearing out my sinuses.

Wow.

Dang.

Like crazy.

No one else.

It really worked.

It cleaned me out.

I could refer you to Dr.

Hopshine.

Would that help?

What?

I can't mention my PCP?

I'll stick with Guillaume.

Okay, number two.

Dijon, full strength Dijon.

Because look, very good.

You're going to use it in concert with other things.

No, that's true.

We kind of went straight to the dome.

We're getting close to matching up here, by the way.

One and two?

Okay.

One and two are the same.

Three,

I got to go Chinese.

What did you, you didn't do Chinese?

I did Stone Ground.

The ground.

Stone Ground is really good.

Chinese is the other one that has that.

Well, I guess all of mine have what I call like the depth charge.

Sure.

Where it's like,

it's like an underwater missile where it's like,

it gives it like that little that little couple seconds before you're like, oh, way in the back.

Bam.

Climbing up the sinuses.

That bird.

My boy is good with the noises, if you haven't noticed.

But I like that.

You're in K-19, the Widowmaker, and you're like hunched because you're hearing the depth charges nearby.

Yeah.

fire away.

Do you see?

Now, do you see?

My boy is good with the noise.

And then you're sailor like looking around like this, and there's like water dripping on you, and you hear a depth charge.

And everybody has to be quiet.

Everybody has to be quiet, if I remember correctly.

Yeah, you had to be quiet because you can hear it.

Mitch.

Sorry, I'm driving Mitchell.

Oh, I got nervous.

And that's how we'd write birthday boy sketches.

Yeah.

Hey,

all these mustards are good.

This is the thing I was going to say: is like, we tasted 14 of these.

Yeah, half of these I would never get if we weren't doing this for content, but half of these I would.

And I would have in my fridge and I would happily keep eating.

And you know what?

Where I'm going to take some of these home.

I mean, we can distribute these however we see fit, but

I think, I think these are going to be used.

They're not dumping into the trash can.

These are great mustards.

I'm a big Beaver brand, big Beaverton mustard, Beaverton Foods brand fan.

And I think this is, they do.

Can I ask?

Did you guys get, did you have to pay for these or did they give them to you?

We paid for them.

Yeah, we went out of pocket.

No, the Doughboys can't be bought.

Right, right, right.

Yeah, we can.

Man, Slavvi Wars are trying to be bought.

We're trying so hard.

I mean, I'm down for being bought.

Who cares?

People send us stuff we tasted for the podcast, but this was a thing of just like, oh, let's

trust you to give you your honest

take.

But, like, you know, liquor is one of like the they spend some of the most money on advertising than like any other sector.

Yes.

But they don't want to advertise on a show called The Sloppy Boys.

Isn't that weird?

That is weird.

Huh.

You guys are talking about booze the whole time.

You probably saw Hanford crowdsurfing and going straight to the ground.

That's all dude.

Yeah, that's funny.

All these are great.

Yeah.

They're very spicy.

They're very spicy.

But

I'm glad we went through with this exercise.

This was a hoot.

Dutton, thanks so much for joining us.

Thanks for having us.

Anything you'd like to plug?

People should check out the Sloppy Boys if they haven't already.

First and foremost, yeah, that's the weekly drum beat.

Yeah.

Where you follow along with me and Tim Kalpakis and Mike Hanford.

We drink cocktails.

People know.

People who listen to this know.

We get into the history and the recipe of like, oh, a Mai Thai, an espresso martini, a Aperol Spritz, whatever.

But I also, as of the airing of this podcast, I have a remix album out.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, there's a Dutch remix album.

Wow.

I don't even know this.

Yeah, he's got some remixes by

PJ Western.

Okay.

That's half of Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Jr.

How fun.

And John Haskell, you know, Haskell?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know Haskell.

Of course, I worked with Haskell.

He's a musician under the name of Pleshmodo.

We got one from him.

Whoa.

But yeah.

Check it out, folks, on Spotify.

Wow.

How about that?

We also, we didn't talk about it too much, but we both like X-Men 97.

We enjoyed it.

Check that out, folks.

That is Prestige Adult Animation.

That's good.

You should watch it.

I got to watch it.

Yeah.

Ray Chase, a voice of

fucking Cyclops.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Wait, actor.

You know that guy?

I know.

Yeah, I know.

I know Ray Lowell Butt.

First of all, that's cool.

And also,

we just went to we went to

Secret.

No.

What is it?

What Tiki is it called?

It's not Secret Tiki.

It's Lucky Tiki.

Lucky Tiki.

Yeah.

What's as by tail of right next to upstairs from tail of the pup?

Tale of the pup.

We just learned recently, speaking of drinks, and we had a great time.

You got us in, Mitch.

You pulled some strings.

I did pull a couple strings.

Fucking mixed magic.

They call me the marionetteer.

It's a really shitty X-Men.

It sucks.

String.

Like they walk into a spider web.

Hey, that'll do it for this episode of the Dough Boys Double.

I wonder if part of why we ended up talking so much turds earlier.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Turd heavy in the first half.

But it's right there.

The topic of the episode.

Must turd.

We had it on the brain.

Oh, my God.

A lot of turd turbulence.

You were feeling, I must turd during this mustard episode.

And then we're like, we must talk turds because it's on the brain.

Yes, the verb to turd.

I must turd.

And Kion sounds like Dijon.

That's what it is, Amelia.

That's what it is.

I think that's what it was.

We'll see you next time.

Keon sounds like Dijon.

Hold on a second.

Hold on.

Hold on.

What?

What's going on?

Hold on.

This will be good.

We'll edit here for a second.

Okay, this will be good.

Just Emma, so when you're editing this later, we're going to put it at edit here.

So just mark an edit point because Mitch is going to do something good.

Oh, fuck.

When it's ready, it's going to be really good.

So people won't hear any of this.

We'll leave in this weekend.

Shit, man.

Of Jason B.

I can't do it.

Why not?

What was it?

I now become flush,

destroyer of porcelains or something.

Oh, you're going to go back to the Oppenheimer thing.

I was going to do a Plopenheimer quote.

Hey, we'll just, hey, I'm going to never mind.

Just to take all this out.

And

now become.

I now become...

Help me out here.

I now become.

Oh, yeah.

I have now become destroyer of worlds is the actual thing.

I'm a destroyer of toilets.

I now become.

I've now become.

I now become Mitch, destroyer of toilets.

I have now become turd, destroyer of bowls, something like that.

That's what I was trying to do.

I liked porcelain.

Porcelain's destroyer of porcelain.

But Mitch to death, death to Mitch, that's kind of.

Yeah, it's hard to figure out how to map that exactly.

I was going to go in there, but Einstein's using the bathroom.

Bye.

Bye.

I'm Tig Notaro.

I'm Mae Martin.

And I'm Fortune Feemster.

And together, we're handsome.

What is handsome?

Well, it's a state of mind.

It's how you feel.

It's whatever you want it to be.

Handsome is also a podcast hosted by us, three stand-up comedians you may have seen on your TV.

We swap stories, share life updates, and occasionally laugh until we cry.

Every episode we answer a question from a celebrity friend, people like Sarah Silverman.

It's Stephen Colberry.

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You gorgeous W.

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Jump right in with whatever episode tiggles your fancy or start from the very first episode.

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That was a hit gum podcast.