Applebee's with Nicole Byer

This is a head gun podcast.

Want to watch this episode?

Check it out on our YouTube channel at youtube.com/slash Doughboys Media.

February 24th, 2024.

Air raid sirens bellowed over the capital city, Kyiv, marking the beginning of Russia's invasion of Ukraine.

As CNN documented this ominous occasion on its live feed, the cable news network transitioned a split screen to accommodate an ad break, and the audio cross-faded to, and a little bit of chicken fried, cold beer on a Friday night.

The song, Zach Brown Bands Chicken Fried, which charted at number one on Billboard's hot country songs back in 2008, and had since been licensed as a commercial jingle by a grill and bar concept known for its riblets and dollaritas.

The grotesquely funny juxtaposition of urban airstrikes with an advertisement for discounted boneless wings with the purchase of any burger became a potent symbol of this nation's perverse for-profit news ecosystem.

Each outlet, a mouthpiece of a political party, but more generally, of the American oligarchy.

The sit-down chain in question pulled its ads from CNN as a result of this tone-deaf association.

Founded in 1980 in the greater Atlanta area by business and romantic partners Bill and TJ Palmer, the brand name was semi-randomly selected from a phone book, its spelling altered so it could be trademarked.

Today, it's grown to over 1,700 franchise locations and is operated under an umbrella corporation that also owns IHOP.

The large footprint dine-in grill has remained a potent player in the chain restaurant industry, in part thanks to its nimble addition of takeout windows post-pandemic.

As of this recording, the still ongoing Russia-Ukraine war appears to be escalating, perhaps in anticipation of an abrupt reverse course once the 82-year-old President Biden hands the reins to a comparatively youthful 78-year-old President-elect Trump.

But regardless of who's in charge, American news networks remain unfit to inform the public, even when they're not airing ill-timed fast food commercials.

This week on Doughboys, we're eating good in the neighborhood with our first official review of Applebee's.

You are so off-rhythm right now.

It's kind of mind-boggling.

Welcome to Dough Boys, the podcast about chain restaurants.

I'm Nick Weiger, along with my co-host, a man that is bummed out about not being able to storm the Capitol again, the steam man,

Mike Mitchell.

I can't do it this year.

Can't do it this year.

Hey, we're content this year.

Yeah.

I don't need to cause any sort of fuss.

Josh from Chicagoland sent that in.

Roasted birdfuck.com.

No, we don't have to be afraid.

Everything is going to be okay, Wags, as long as there's good people.

Mitch,

look to the helpers, I say.

Mr.

Rogers.

That's right.

No,

whatever.

What are we going to do?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Things are going to be fine.

Or they're not.

Either way, you have no control over it.

So what are you going to do?

People were going to think that this is like the week of the election or something, and it's not.

This is

a couple weeks out.

We're actually dealing, Mitch, and this episode's coming out in December, obviously,

thus the little bit of Christmas decorations you have behind you.

My stocking fell.

I heard it fall earlier.

There's a single

candy cane on this cat.

Everyone knew that it fell.

Yeah, I saw it.

I forgot to fix it.

I'm sorry.

It's fine.

But there's coal in the bottom of it, I guess.

Candy cane.

Wow.

Bad boy.

He's so bad.

This was, if I was like 12 years old, this would get me close to crying.

Honestly.

Dang, there's coal in your socket?

Yeah.

12.

12?

Yeah, truly.

12?

Coal?

Seventh grade?

Middle school?

Middle school.

Okay.

Maybe sixth grade.

Mitch, you can still storm the Capitol.

You can.

Yeah,

I have until January, basically.

I could still storm the Capitol.

Yeah.

It's going to be a long December, Wages.

Look,

the bad news I think we're dealing with right now, Mitch, that I didn't want to talk about.

I reminded myself of that song.

This is a headline that, again, will be a few weeks old by the time this episode is released, but

I think it's something we have to address on the show.

Blackstone strikes $8 billion deal for sandwich chain Jersey Mics.

Blackstone, a private equity firm that also owns Hilton, Legoland, Ancestry.com, and Spanks.

Now they will be overseeing Jersey Mike subs, one of our favorite chains, a chain that is scaled up and maintained a level of quality admirably.

And now, you know, like everything, it's a victim to the vampire squid tendrils of capital.

So there you go.

I don't know.

That's a pretty iconic thing to do to be like, have a sandwich, put on your spank.

Well, that's the same sort of thing of like, you know, Rort Capital is another one and they own both like anytime fitness and Subway.

Like it's like, this is like a common thing.

And they also own like,

what is it?

Minekey Car Care.

So it's like all these firms like own all these different businesses.

They have their fingers in all these different pies and whatever.

It's probably the quality will go down, which is a bummer because that's a place I go to consistently.

Yeah.

I had it for dinner last night.

What'd you get?

Turkey and Provolone on the rosemary.

Yeah, the number seven.

Yeah.

The number.

I love that you know it.

The number seven.

My regular order.

You do that turkey provolone.

I love the turkey provolone.

I had the tuna last week, which I never do.

And I was like, you know, this tuna is not bad.

I like the Jimmy Johns tuna a little bit more, but it's not bad.

Were the too much tuna guys behind the counter?

They were, yeah.

They were.

I hope that they leave jersey mics alone i hope they're like you know what we we this chain is doing all right we're gonna profit off of it uh you know for some dumb reason because that's how our economy works but we'll let them do what they do best yeah

yeah yeah

no chance yeah no chance he's gonna be ruined yeah yeah i'm still seeing that in december by the way You didn't do the thing that I thought that you said we're gonna do.

Oh, oh, wait.

Well, I, this episode is gonna be five booms.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

I boomed.

I'm going to boom that we were doing that before.

No one really likes it.

It's so funny.

These are also two

comedy pros,

AJ and Big Justin.

And Big Justin.

Those are the Costco boys.

The other Costco boys.

You have the little ones.

The Rizzlers.

Yeah, the Rizzlers.

The Rizzlers are great.

I like them.

Yeah, they're great.

They're fun.

They're a lot of fun.

They are fun.

They're fun.

Boomer Doom is great.

Yeah, it's a lot like Snack or Whack in a lot of ways.

Perhaps shares some similar DNA with Snack or Whack.

That's okay.

How do you think the Costco boys

or Costco guys, like, do you think the dad was like, man, I love Costco?

Let me bring my chunky little son there.

And

we'll do a song about how much I love Costco.

I think there was a little bit of like, you know, AJ is someone who is, was a, in case you know some of this, was a wrestler in the past, right?

Was an indie wrestler back in the day.

This is the dad.

Okay.

And so I think there was a little bit of, he has a little bit of a

carney heritage, a little bit of like, I know how to like make something a thing, you know.

And I think that maybe that Costco,

the Costco guys becoming the Costco guys was maybe a little bit of an accident.

It was maybe a little bit organic.

But once that happened, he's like, we're going to lean into this gimmick.

This is our thing.

It's great.

God bless him.

I like them.

I like it too.

I love that chunky.

And I say chunky with love.

Oh, yeah.

He's so round.

I love round people.

I like round people.

I think it's because I'm a round person.

Sure.

I'm a rounder.

We're rounders.

We're rounders.

Me, you, Matt Damon.

Yeah, us, Matt Damon, Halle Berry, all round.

What are you doing?

No, that's.

Which is adjusting the arm.

I don't think that's it.

You just lifted the table up.

Yeah, I don't think you can do that.

Yeah, we can help you.

It's fine.

Here, can I pick it up?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, it's fine.

You're going to break the table.

Mitch just said it's fine, so we don't need to worry about anything breaking.

But you pick the table up, and there's a weight on the table, and I'm scared it's going to pull the table.

Can you do it the right way?

Can I just do it real quick?

Fine.

It's just, oh, sorry, I didn't mean to hit you with it.

That's all right.

Watch your hands when I get you.

No, no, I don't.

This is not.

This doesn't work for me.

Okay.

Okay.

Doesn't work for me.

Then what does work for you?

Yeah, what directions are you going to do?

So Emma is moving the microphone.

Take the weight off.

No, it has.

No, it has.

Listen.

Do this.

Do this.

I know that we got to check.

Nope.

Come on.

Let's go on.

Mitch.

Mitch.

Everyone is telling you this is a bad idea.

Oh, my God.

Can't we just take the weight off?

Why can't you put it?

Like, put a pillow behind you so you're close to You want a pillow?

No, no, I don't want a pillow.

Maybe we need to get a taller table back there.

Was there a taller table back there?

The arm used to come up.

Thank you, Nicole.

Nicole fixed it.

Nicole fixed it.

All right, we're set.

Thank you, Nicole.

How do we forget how to do this?

Do you know what I think?

Do you know what I think about this new position?

Boom!

Boom!

All right, Mitch, you got a drop to play.

Emma, I hit him with the drop after fixing the table.

Be mad at me.

I'm not mad.

But I like Jesus.

Like, I like, and I like Christianity, the spirituality, the morality that exists within the faith, and those people who truly do live by it.

Hey,

okay, I was wrong.

This was boring.

Bye.

Get the fuck out of here.

What the hell is going on?

What happened?

What the fuck?

What the hell happened?

Fuck up.

Fear leads to anger.

Anger leads to hate.

Hate leads to

there it is.

I liked it.

A lot going on there.

This one, this Christian drop is the name of it.

Christian Drop.

From Nicole's Epp today.

Oh, yay.

Hello, here's a submission for the drop-off.

From 2022, it's an old one.

Oh, hello, here's the submission for the drop-off.

I'm a teacher from Springfield, Missouri.

Wow.

Mizzou, old Mizzou.

But I'm currently living in

Wags.

Can you help me say the city in China that this is?

Guangzhou?

Sounds right.

Gi-Chao?

Something about it?

Kuang Chao.

G-U-A-N-G-Z-H-O-U.

China.

If you play this, please shout out to my friend Aileen.

Hi, Aileen.

Is it Aileen or Eileen?

Hi, Eileen.

Is it with a Louise?

She's Louise.

It's A-Y-L-I-N-E.

It's Aileen.

Oh, Aileen.

Yeah.

Very cool to meet someone out here who also listens to this dumb shit.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

Another part of our Chinese fandom.

Wow.

This is my say, this is my obliviousness about what media is accessible in different parts of the world because I know that there's a little bit of internet censorship that happens in China.

I didn't know you could get the Doughboys there.

How about that?

I love it.

Yeah.

It's good to know that in China, you can still listen to this dumb, you can see us say boom five times a row.

And shout out to you know what?

Xi Jinping gets five booms.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

It's deeply funny to me.

And I think I'll laugh every time.

And also, shout out to my buddy Dan back home who introduced me to Doughboys many years ago.

Wow.

How about that?

Song sampled Chris Staples Walking with a Stranger, Living Sacrifice by Blood Work.

Thanks for the show.

Andy Carr.

You put his full name.

Thanks, Andy.

Andy Carr.

I wonder if that was set in 2022.

I wonder if Andy is still over there in China.

That's our question.

And maybe back to the field.

He moved back and stopped listening because because it wasn't picked until two years later.

Wow.

That's a great, very great point.

And he's just missing it.

He's pissed off.

Yeah.

Yeah, he hates you guys.

Changed his name to Andy Buss.

Boo!

Negative boom.

You guys are going to be dooms.

That's a doom, Mitch.

A doom.

Andy Carr just changed to Andy Buss.

What?

What comment is that making?

Drops at birdfuck.com.

He got so mad he changed his name to Andy Buss.

He changed his name to a different vehicle.

Yeah.

What's wrong with that?

I don't know.

It sucks.

Yeah, every joke on the show sucks.

You know what?

I'm giving Andy Buss a boom.

Boom.

The guy you made up.

Our guest host of the podcast, Why Won't You Date Me, which is now right here on Head Gum.

Nicole Bayer is back.

Hi, Nicole.

Hi, hi, hi.

Thanks so much for being here.

Of course.

We all knew that there was something about his name being Andy Carr that that was fun to joke on.

You're going to double down on this?

We all were thinking in our comedy brands,

I went with the easiest bad one that didn't really work.

Yeah.

But I took a swing at it, Wigs.

You two should be ashamed.

You didn't take a swing at all.

Okay, Andy SUV.

That's pretty good.

I was going to say Andy Truck, but I feel like SUV is a little bit more heightened.

Oh, Andy Truck, that gets a doom.

Nicole,

I want to talk about food.

but before we get into that, we've had some movie discussions last night that I feel like are worth recapping.

Yeah.

There's a movie that I saw that I don't think, Mitch, I don't think you've seen,

but I'm talking about the sequel to Joker, Joker Folly Ado.

Yes.

I did not care for this movie.

You have a different.

I loved Joker 2, the squequel.

If you listen to Why Won't You Date Me?

I have talked about it almost exclusively for a couple of months.

I really loved it.

That is baffling to me, but then it's even more baffling when you reveal that you have not seen Joker one.

That's right.

I have no idea what happened in Joker One.

I think he did kill Robert De Niro, though.

Yes.

I know that much.

And then he was like in jail.

And I think it's like a rom-com.

I think the singing's pretty funny.

And then it's also a meet cute because the Joker meets Harley Quinn.

They're two crazy people.

They agree to be crazy.

Then he's like, wait, I'm not crazy.

And then she's like, you're not matching my freakiness.

So I got to break up with you.

And that's boundaries.

And that's feminism.

Okay.

Well argued.

I agree.

It was great.

It was also very long.

It's so long and so slow.

Nothing happened.

No.

It's fun, though.

I was so bored.

And having seen the first movie, the movie is entirely about the first movie.

It's all like the trial about what happened in the first movie.

And so I'm like, well, I saw this stuff and you're just describing stuff that I already saw.

So, like, what's the point?

I'm not even a fan, like, really, of Joker One.

Yes, I gave it five stars on Letterbox.

It's the only movie I've reviewed on my account.

But,

but I, I, I will say, it's just like, it's such a complete diversion from the first one that I think you maybe wouldn't like the first one.

Maybe, but I, yeah, I loved it.

Yeah.

I thought it was shot really pretty.

I gotta, I gotta find your Letterboxd account.

Pick just my name.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm gonna look right now.

Yeah.

I love that you're like, I gotta find it.

And it's like, you could just ask him what it is.

That's true.

I didn't have to search for it, I guess.

You would tell me willingly.

Nick Weiger.

I see you.

Speaking of

big, you know, high big budget bombs of this past year.

Did it bomb?

It did.

Yeah, it did not perform well at the box office.

I thought it made back its budget and stuff.

No, I think it didn't come close.

I think it was a pretty, pretty disastrous.

Wow,

you have 35 followers, Nick.

Do I really?

Oh, that's nice.

Favorites,

Blue Lagoon.

I don't know, Blue Lagoon.

I'm just saying it is like a pervert movie.

I was trying to think of pervert movies.

I figured.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The

Italian

Leon the Professional.

That Italian adaptation of Romeo and Juliet.

I cast actual 14-year-olds.

Okay.

Speaking of these big, like, huge movies that people didn't like and didn't respond to generally, did you see Megalopolis?

No.

I think you'd like Megalopolis.

Yeah.

I think you would.

If you like Joker, I think I could say this with confidence.

If you like Joker Folly, I do, you'll love Megalopolis.

Okay.

It's similarly just.

I think you will like it.

Okay.

Do you know what Aubrey Plaza's character's name is in the movie?

Is it like pussy friend?

It's, it's, it's like, it's that sort of thing.

Her name is Wow Platinum.

That's funny.

It's funny.

And the other thing I would say, pertinent to the Doughboys, we say, our Boomer Doom, we say Wow on the show.

We're always saying Wow.

And we have the Platinum Plate Club, if you are like a champion of five forks.

I think there's maybe a chance that it's a reference to the Dough Boys podcast, Wow Platinum, which would make sense because Mitch and I are a couple of goofs.

The joy.

You like scrunched up a little bit before you did it.

I love when someone loves a bit so much.

Like, you were so pleased with yourself.

Man, I loved that.

I was like, Mitch saying, Andy, Andy fucking.

What did you say?

Andy Buss.

He's way better than...

He's done this for months now.

Uh-huh.

And I didn't know it was going to continue into.

I wasn't planning on it, but I was like, oh, you know what?

Megalopolis is kind of like Joker Folio Doo.

They're two of a, they're

two similar films.

They are very similar films.

Yeah, okay.

These auteurs or want to be auteurs making these big, like, passion projects that people are just like, this, I fucking hate this.

We also had a big discussion last night about

Jay Leno being bullied by the mob.

I don't think he got beat up.

I believe him that he fell, though.

You thought, you think he got bullied?

He looks like a black and white cookie.

Half his face is black.

And he's in a, like, his arm is broken.

Yeah.

He said he found he fell down a, what, like a 60-foot hill?

Where?

Where are you?

Why are you?

I am curious if anyone.

I'm not going to get a penny from me, motherfucker.

That's what we were doing last night at the restaurant.

You'll get your money when I get my revigi once again.

I haven't touched my tonight show money yet.

I'm not going to touch it for you.

He has huge gambling debts because he refuses touches tonight's show money.

But it is wild that he keeps having oopsies.

Yeah, I know.

Like he, a car blew up in his face.

That was two years ago.

That was probably contemporaneous with when Andy Carr sent in his drop.

It is right around that.

It's wild.

Yeah, I mean, you said a word that I don't think me or Mitch knows.

You contemporaneous?

Yeah.

It was a little too much.

Wait, what?

It was a little too much.

What were you about to say about Andy Carr?

I was just going to say, I hear these days, he goes by Andy Bus.

Ah, my fucking finger.

It's so funny to think of Jay Leno being like, ah, motherfucker.

Ah, nah, don't hurt me like that.

It's wild.

Yeah.

I hope he's okay.

I mean, I would love for him to be in trouble with the mob.

I think it is a more fun reality.

Right.

People on Twitter think it's the cassette.

Yes.

And I buy it.

I think he's in trouble.

He has so much money.

How's he falling down hills?

You don't have a golf cart to take you down the hill?

But that, but that's kind of the thing of like, I think he's kind of a, he's such like a creature of the road that i can see him being like just making the calculation of like i know how to do that you know like i don't want to walk all the way down this hill i'm just gonna take a short cut

on top of a hill i don't know why does he do 250 stand-up dates a year this because the recession is going to get worse

That is why these people are padding their money.

That's why everyone's touring.

Jerry Seinfeld doesn't need to tour, but he's touring.

Yeah, that's true.

Honestly, I was at the airport and there were so many hot people working.

I was like, the hots can't get the good jobs that they want.

So they're working at the airport.

This is going to get bad for everybody.

So you heard it here first.

It's about time, hots.

How does it fucking feel, huh?

Fucking hots.

Lost my job at Headgum.

To work at the duty free shop.

I had jury duty

which we were talking about last night.

And it was at the airport courthouse.

So I had to drive to the airport.

every day.

And it gave me so much empathy for airport workers because I was like, if this is your commute, I said it wasn't at the airport.

It's near the airport.

It's near the airport.

I mean, I was getting off the exit.

You'd get off to go to LAX.

It's called the airport courthouse.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's not, it's not far.

I mean, like, it's not right on the airport, but it's like close enough where it's like.

Did you have to go through TSA every day?

Just kidding.

What was it?

What was the, can you talk about the like.

I don't want to talk about it because I know a Reddit detectives will try to dox this poor man who was found on.

But was the case airport-based?

It was not an airport case.

Okay, all right.

Which is wild that it was at the airport.

I love this.

Yeah, Jemmy.

So Jemmy is

very tentative about getting up onto the

couch next to Mitch.

There, she knows you have cheese.

She wants more cheese.

Come on.

Come on.

If you want the cheese, you got to come up on the couch.

Again, it just sounds wild coming from your mouth.

I know you're talking to a dog.

Come here, baby girl.

Come on.

Come on.

She's so upset.

Sit next to Daddy.

Come on.

No.

Come on, good girl.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

She's thinking about it.

Come on.

Sit next to daddy.

Come on.

Come on.

You look good.

Get up here.

Jesus Christ.

What?

I'm being nice to the dog.

Jimmy, get up there, bite him.

Yeah, bite him.

Come on.

Look at you.

You're so young and vibrant.

All right.

Back off.

Back off, Jemmy.

Yeah, back off of Jemmy.

The Blue Studio discipline.

You're just like, come on, you're so young and black.

Oh, my God.

It's upsetting.

All right, Jemmy is eating the cheese.

There you go.

Good girl.

She is a good girl.

Did you speak in a movie?

Did we ever talk about the whale?

Did you see the whale?

I loved it.

Would his fat little feet jump up to go to heaven?

Yeah, it's good.

Oh, my God.

I was on a plane and I screamed.

It was a red eye.

It was the dead of night when Lil Feet jumped up and I went, oh,

and I laughed and laughed.

I,

it was such a wild movie.

I was like, did they speak to a single fat person?

Yeah.

It was so wild.

It is funny.

Also, in heaven, isn't he thin too?

When you get to heaven, like he became, didn't he become a thin man in heaven?

I think he resembled, but you don't really see that much.

Like the last shot, there's just sort of the beach tableau.

Like, I don't think you really see his body.

You should, we should have seen him meet God, and God

turns him into a new person.

God puts him on the Jared diet.

Oh, no!

Jared is here, too.

Jared's not even dead yet.

But somehow he's in heaven.

Yeah, it's that movie is like, it's insane.

The ending made my jaw drop.

I saw it in theater and I just, I did this

like involuntarily.

I couldn't believe it.

I couldn't stop laughing.

Yeah.

He floats.

His fat little feet, like, I just,

it is, it's insane.

You saw that in the theaters, huh?

Yeah.

Didn't we watch it for the podcast or something?

We eventually did it.

We eventually did something for the podcast about it.

Is it the second time that I saw it?

Who knows?

I don't think it's a rough movie.

I think it's a rough movie.

I think that you maybe just don't.

I don't know.

I don't like good movies.

I don't know if you like movies, possibly.

I love movies.

I love the part where the pizza man comes and is like horrified at him.

He's like, oh,

and I'm like, oh my God.

Horrified at like a person, like a body size I see like every time I go to Costco.

Like, what the fuck?

Also, I'm like, you deliver pizza to this man every day.

He doesn't come out.

Like, what did you think he looked like?

The pizza guy is one of the biggest villains in the movie.

He's a horrible.

Also, he's tipping him great.

He's giving him great tips.

He's giving us great tips.

You think the guy, he's giving him great tips?

Do you think the guy who then gets the great tips finally sees this guy who he knows he doesn't want to be seen and is going to be like, oh.

But also, yeah, just go, hey, dude, how are you?

That's it.

I like when he finally turns on his Zoom camera and

everyone's like, oh my God,

it's wild.

It's so weird to call the movie the whale

and then everyone's like, ah!

He's fucking.

And it starts with him jacking off.

It's smooth.

We liked that part.

I like that he's there.

Yeah, you love that part.

Yeah, I had a great time watching it.

Yeah, a lot of fun.

Yeah, maybe I don't like good movies.

Which is fine.

Also, what is a good movie?

Exactly.

All this stuff is so subjective.

I think I like the substance.

Did you like the substance?

I love the substance.

Okay, good.

Okay, so I do like a movie.

Did you see Revenge, the previous, the director's previous movie?

No, I want to.

I think you'd like it.

Because I loved it.

I thought it was so fucking good.

Revenge is fucking nasty.

Stinky movie year this year, though, I would say.

I don't think any of us were particularly enthused about 2024 overall as a movie year, unfortunately.

There were some gems in there, but few and far between and a lot of garbage.

Let's talk about.

Bring back Ted.

Ted has a TV show.

Bring him back to theaters.

Ted 3 is the best.

Bring him back to the big screen.

Ted on the big screen.

He's in the little...

I'm going to stream peacock in the movie theater so I can watch Ted the TV.

That's what I would like to see Ted.

We want to see Ted again.

I don't think Ted is going to be the savior of the cinema.

I think there's bigger issues than that.

You don't think Ted is going to be the savior of the cinema?

I don't think if they released Ted 3 theatrically, that would be a thing where people would be like movies are back like I think there's like other issues going on wait did Madam Webb come out this year Madam Webb was this year yeah this year has been 10 years long Jesus Christ again that's a movie I loved I have seen Madam Webb three times I have not seen Madam Webb yet but I think Madam Webb would be like fun in a way that some other bad movies that came out this year.

I loved it.

I saw it in theaters.

Did you see Madam Webb?

I did not.

It did not look like I would like it.

Yeah.

So I just did not go.

But Kame, your favorite movie movie of the year, I assume, remains Dune Part 2.

Dune Part 2 is still high up there, but close second, I would say, Anora.

I really.

I enjoyed Anora.

Oh, I haven't seen that yet.

I thought Nora was fun.

Yeah, it's a fun movie.

I will say this about Madam Webb.

Yeah.

The villains, all of his dialogue is in ADR, and you can tell.

At one point, I yelled in theaters, I went, they didn't finish the movie because

he is speaking and his mouth is not moving.

Wow.

It's wild.

Everyone's in a different movie.

It's great.

I loved it.

I'm going to see it.

I have not seen it yet.

And I see all that stupid bullshit.

I will say this.

If you watch it, you should run out of theater and invite friends and watch it all.

It was really fun on the big screen.

I love it.

It's wild.

You're both invited if I do this, which I probably won't.

You won't, but I like to be invited to things.

You're invited always.

Thank you.

I invite you to things.

Oh, I don't do anything.

Yeah, I was like, what have you done?

I don't do anything.

I've been gone for three months.

You do stuff.

You do stuff.

I do stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

You're here.

You're doing things.

Yeah.

You feed cheese to dogs and call them good girls and say, come up here.

Daddy wants you.

I've invited you to my birthdays before.

Yeah.

What is happening?

You also like picked up your phone to be like, I'll show you.

We used to be on a Harold team together, Nicole.

I'm aware of this.

Yeah.

What a team.

I remember.

What was that team called?

Cooper.

Cooper.

Cooper.

Right.

Cooper.

What a a year.

Boy, this is a while.

This is 10 years ago?

At least, yeah, probably 10 years ago.

Yeah, shit.

Yeah.

And I distinctly remember a scene where you were trying to pull a crocodile out of a toilet, and it's the hardest I've left on stage.

I can't remember any specifics other than you were like, there's a crocodile in this toilet.

It sounds like it's kind of what we still do on the podcast.

Do a little proto-bio.

I guess you're doing a proto-bio because we talk about the bayou down here.

We talk about the bayou on the show.

You might find yourself a a gator in the toilet down here in the bayou.

If you're up in if you're up in Canada where the toilet goes backwards, you might find a white gator.

That's right.

Everyone knows the toilet goes backwards in Canada.

My god,

you know about the bayou, guys.

No,

no, Nicole, you haven't been listening to the pod?

I'm so sorry, God bless.

I can't listen to podcasts.

I get it.

I don't listen to podcasts.

I do listen to podcasts, but I know the two of you, obviously, extraordinarily talented podcasters.

And I know many, many other great podcasters who just can't listen to podcasts.

What a lot.

I get it.

I understand.

Extraordinarily talented podcasters.

I know.

I felt like it's an environment.

Not just that.

You do other stuff too.

You're great actors.

You're really funny.

Some of you are.

You're good at podcasting.

And it's like, I'm good at talking.

Oh, by the way, by the way, you do other stuff too.

I'm saying I'm fine.

Yeah, all that other stuff.

Wait, how do you listen to podcasts?

Like in the car?

I will, well, I walk a lot.

And then, yeah, in the car or in the train, on the train, whatever.

You know, it's, it's, I, I, I just sort of like have a,

and if I'm doing something like I'm doing the dishes or I'm cleaning the house, you know, that's a sort of any sort of domestic chore, folding laundry.

I'll listen to podcasts.

But I listen to a lot of like NBA podcasts or like news podcasts.

You don't know, I don't really listen to all that many comedy podcasts.

No, I get that.

Yeah.

What are the, what, how are the NBA podcasts?

There's a new basketball they're talking about here.

Mitch, you're a sporto.

Don't act like you don't understand what analysis and discussion is.

It's not about a new basketball.

We got an NBA podcast.

We got a new basketball.

It's slightly off orange.

The Atlanta Hawks have put on new nets this week.

Is this where we're at?

This is ridiculous, Wags.

A new basketball.

Fighters, like, you know sports.

You know what sport is.

You know.

This is where we're at with podcasting.

The new basketball.

God.

It's so funny.

Okay, the Charlotte Hornet B is up to no good this week.

Is this what they update you on?

The Buzz City mascot?

The Buzz City.

No,

there's other topics that are explored you know more more just about like why is this team succeeding why is this player not you know uh living up to expectations that sort of stuff can i just go back to something i just gotta say that was so lovely that you genuinely explained an nba podcast to mitch and i zoned it out completely yeah he was like i don't care i know what one is you idiot um do you remember that you just break

just acting like you didn't um acting my boy i was acting it's one of the other things

Wait, now you're turning on me.

What's going on here?

We're going to go back to something.

Yeah.

When you guessed WoW Platinum's name, you guessed Pussy Friend.

I knew it was something fun and I couldn't remember.

Pussy friend is pretty good.

Pussy friend.

Pussy friend.

Pussy friend.

That was an alternate title for Doughboys.

Pussy friends.

Pussy friends.

Let's talk about food a a little bit.

Okay,

so why won't you date me?

Obviously,

so much of you're talking about dating.

That reality is such a, I feel like such a food-centric topic.

Oh, yeah.

Do you ever have like...

Like, like in your dating life, were you ever like, like, I have like a go-to sort of first date destination or like, this is the kind of meal I want to do for a first date?

Or is it more of like, I want to break the ice with something like coffee or a cocktail?

What is your game plan?

Usually I do a cocktail.

and then if i want to get if they're like let's do dinner then i would do something like safe okay like uh i used to do franklin and company a lot oh sure before that club that's just like a very straight ahead gastro pub just very very dangerous dangerous menu you got your you're you're right near ucb

yeah and then if if i run into somebody i know then great i'm popular

That is, that's nice.

That's a plus.

That's true, yeah.

Uh-huh.

On the other hand,

I took a date to who said they want to go to Birds once, and an improviser sat down next to them and basically started to hit on them during the date.

Oh, no, an improviser that you knew who's your friend?

Yeah, who I knew, yeah.

Say their name, we'll bleep it.

Yeah, say their name.

But what was that noise?

Rude.

Rude.

Rude, rude, rude, rude.

Are you surprised?

No.

Yeah, yeah.

Rude.

Oh, oh.

Yeah.

Oh.

Next time I see him, I'll knock him down.

What was that for?

Something he doesn't remember.

Sat next to me, started just

on the date, which

whatever, you know.

Not whatever.

Started talking to her like the way I was talking to Jemmy earlier.

He said, Daddy wants to see you.

Leave my pussy friend alone.

I do not call women pussy friends.

I call Wally and Irma pussy friends.

That's all the only people who get that designation i do not call a woman that um

i uh

no one thought i did

i got afraid i got in my own head you're okay you're in a safe place

wait does someone make this yeah

our buddy deer jerk uh who is a and a very talented artist made a woodcut of the burger boy and the spoon man and the burger boy is here in the studio but you're not mine's mine's actually mine's at my mine is on my wall uh upstairs where i have a little uh tiki motif

upstairs Very fitting.

A tiki motif?

A little tiki motif.

What does that mean to you?

Like a tiki themed room?

Yeah,

tiki theme.

Oh, okay.

It's your jack-shack.

Is it your jack-shack?

I don't go upstairs.

Do you think about your pussyfriend?

I don't go.

First of all, it's my deck.

Now people were going to say I have a deck and people were going to talk about it.

Mitch has a deck.

Mitch is like,

it's okay that you have a deck.

It's okay that I have a deck.

It's okay that you're successful and you have a deck.

Yeah, and I'm not even, well, yes.

I barely have a deck.

You should be giving his twisted metal money to orphans instead of having a deck.

You should.

I mean, we all should be giving it to or we should.

Everyone should.

We should.

That's crazy that they're still orphans.

I know.

Right?

Yeah.

I know.

Like, that's low vibrations.

That's like, what?

You don't have parents and nobody wants to adopt you?

Why?

There's so many people who want kids.

Show them the parents and show the parents the kids.

Show them the parents.

It sounds like show them the money.

Show me the money.

Show me the parents.

My grandma Jo,

who has passed away, a lovely woman, she was raised in an orphanage.

This does feel like a thing from another time.

Yeah, right?

Like an old-timey thing.

Did she ever get to listen to Doughboys before she passed or no?

No, it was.

That's what caused her to pass.

She heard one episode and she said, I got to get out of life.

Five forks for Shake Shaft.

See you later.

Her last words.

I heard that

at the funeral, you were like, My grandma Jo is an awesome lady.

And before we end this year, I just want to give her five booms.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

The best part about five booms is you think it's going to end, and then there's more.

Was it awkward sitting in the boom for a second?

No, I love it.

It is deeply funny.

It'll never not be funny to me.

That's the Costco guy's magic.

But my grandmother was a lovely woman who lived an amazing life.

and you do give her five booms i do give her five booms but that's besides the point i give my grandparents five booms all four of them get five booms well one of them maybe gets a little less than five booms he was a little he was he was a wild one yeah i think i'd give mine five booms yeah my grandma joe's favorite movie was uh shooter the mark wahlberg movie wow about

an assassin who can shoot a sniper rifle from five miles away She loved action movies.

I love it.

She loves Kill Bill.

Oh.

Yeah.

Good taste.

I know.

I've never seen Shooter.

She seems like the grandma from from that Garfield special we watch.

She seems like she kind of is like a cool grandma.

Yeah.

Yeah.

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Let's talk about Applebee.

For a long time, we wanted to do this episode.

Applebee's.

Applebee's is one of the big,

you know, chains that we have never actually reviewed.

Blows my mind that you haven't done Applebee's yet.

Nine years of doing this format, and we have not yet gotten to Applebee's.

Part of the reason for that is that we have been saving this chain for you because we know you are a fan.

I do love Applebee's.

And we're glad we were able to make this happen.

We all were able to go out and have a meal together last night, which is great.

That's the ideal way to do this.

We talk about it in the podcast, but a big reason to address our listeners out there, the reason we have not reviewed Applebee's

beyond availability of a guest is that there isn't an Applebee's in LA.

You have to go outside of LA.

So it's like

we're saving it for Nicole.

We were saving it for Nicole and we had to go all the way to Alhambra.

So it's a bit of a haul, about 30 minutes out of the city.

Can we talk about the name Apple Bees for a second?

Yes.

Apple.

Hey, I like apples.

Bees.

You know, it's the name in the name of itself.

That's a bad apple if you're biting into that.

It's a bees.

Shit, just fucking bees in here.

You know what I mean?

An apple?

You know what I mean?

I never thought about it.

But yeah, that is a wild name.

And they ignore the bee part because their logo is just an apple.

It's just an apple.

There's no bees.

That's well, that's the thing.

I guess they're what Wags is implying is they're all inside this apple, basically.

I think so.

I think they're surprised bees.

Yeah.

They're going to get you.

They're going to get you.

You ever have a sugar bee apple?

Now Lee likes those.

They're good.

What's a sugar bee apple?

It's just like a type of apple that's got like a nice balance of sweetness and tartness and a good texture to it.

Yeah.

If you see a sugar bee at the grocery store, I mean, like, you know, any sort of grocery store should have them.

Well, not any sort.

Maybe it is a specific one.

Like,

there's an Envy apple that I like that I can only find at Gelson's.

Yeah, not every place has the Envy.

Yeah, I think it might be, I don't know where she gets them, but.

I know you've never had an apple.

Farmer's Market.

And Envy apple's really crispy and kind of sweet.

Those are great.

My favorite apple?

Big apple.

Oh.

I guess I've never bombed as hard as I have today because everyone was, everything I'm saying, people were just going, oh, oh, what the fuck?

No one likes what I'm saying today.

I laughed.

Oh.

Oh, I sound like the fucking Rizzler over here.

Isn't the Rizzler from New York?

Is he?

From New Jersey.

He's from Jersey.

Oh, wait.

I know all about the Costcoverse.

He's a family friend.

How did the Rizzler get involved?

He was another child influencer.

So the dads hooked up the

big justice.

Wow.

I have an idea.

Yeah.

Another part where AJ's carney instincts are

admirable, that he sees this, the Rizzler's got the juice.

He's like, that kid's mine.

He puts him as part of the Costco gas.

Yeah.

I just, I just, I just, I had, I had an idea.

Yeah.

The sizzler with the Rizzler on Doughboys.

Hey, if we can make it happen,

I almost burst into tears.

That was good.

The Sizzler with the Rizzler.

That was really good.

Have you done the Sizzler yet?

We have done The Sizzler yet.

Oh, okay.

But the Sizzler with the Rizzler.

You gotta.

I hope Joe.

I hope Samoa Joe comes back and chokes out the Rizzler on AEW.

Who'd be great?

The Rizzler is now in wrestling, kind of.

that child, yeah.

Well, AJ is wrestling.

Um, Big Justice is gonna be ringside, and then they just announced the Rizzler is gonna be involved.

This will all be like every this will all be old news.

The pay-per-view will have already happened by the time this uh this episode airs.

There was a tweet about how Ellen balanced, like uh, when people go viral, she would have them on the show for five minutes and then they got to go back into the wild.

And I feel like since Ellen is gone, that is true.

People just get to stay out here, yeah, too, like the Hocktu lady now.

It's like a

podcast.

I miss the hacktui-ness of it.

It was just a white woman who said you spit on a dick and everyone was like, ah!

Why does she get such longevity?

Why does she have a podcast?

Not to be rude.

Yeah.

But I guess it's entertaining.

It's hilarious.

Look, I mean,

God bless anyone who can monetize whatever accidental fame they have.

That's my opinion.

But it's also like, I get what you're saying.

The part of the charm of these sorts of things, memes of old, is that it would be like, you wouldn't necessarily see, you know, like whatever overly attached girlfriend would not be like everywhere.

It's just like, okay, that was like an interesting one-off, you know.

Yeah, but there's a lot of longevity, but you got to get that little boy out to take him to the Sizzler.

You got to.

Applebee's, which is what we're discussing today.

Perhaps a future Sizzler revisit is in the works, but Applebee's was founded in 1980 in Decatur, Georgia, as TJ Applebee's RX for Edibles and Elixirs.

No, wait, in the 80s?

That was the original name.

TJ Appleby's RX for Edibles and Elixirs.

RX for Edibles and Elixirs is a part of the name.

And if you notice, it's meant to be like, I think a reference to sort of like an old-timey sort of like tonic salesman sort of thing, but it's like.

Oh, so Applebee's is the name.

Applebee.

Well, no.

The restaurant was

TJ Appleby's RX for a while.

That's what I'm saying.

It's T.J.

Appleby.

Appleby is.

I'm sorry.

It's a surname.

It's a surname.

And so in 1986, the brand was Sean Parker just to Appleby's neighborhood grill and bar, which is what it is today.

And what year was that?

1986.

And when was it founded?

1980.

So not Sean Parker.

For five years, it had that awful name.

Yeah.

I don't quite get it.

It's quite a mouthful, and I don't know what the Applebee's part is.

Like, I don't know the origin of that itself.

In 1980.

T.J.

T.

J.

Appleby's.

T.J.

Appleby.

But do you think that there was an actual TJ Appleby?

It has to be.

I don't think there was.

I think it was an invented character.

Wait, can we look that up?

It's like the TJ Huffin stuff.

Who?

Wasn't that the old

TV show?

Yeah, the old TV show.

Oh, From like the 60s.

Yeah, I'm young.

Never heard.

You brought up a show from the 60s that I remember from like Nick at night.

HR Puffin stuff.

That's right.

H.R.

H.R.

This is that the founders were Bill and TJ Palmer.

So Applebee's was not the name.

Yeah.

Huh.

Wise, I'll be impressed if you can remember the names of the creators.

Oh, the Crofts.

The Crofts, yes, and Marty Crofts.

Yeah.

I'm shocked.

Shocked by my own brightness.

In 1988.

I'm on fire this episode.

I'm making everyone laugh.

I'm in some way.

You shine bright with the brightness.

What did you just say?

It truly sounded like you were trying to sing that Rihanna song.

You were shining bright like a diamond.

I'm shocked by my brightness.

Wait, is there a way you can Google what the storefront looked like for TJ Applebee's Elixir fucking fun hut?

I like, I need to know what that signage looked like.

I'm sure we can find a visual of that.

Yeah, I mean, like, I don't know what the original, if they've remodeled it or if they have any vintage photos, but maybe we can find it.

See, did Marty Croft, they did, like big puppets and stuff like that for H.R.

Puff and stuff.

Yeah.

And it was like a trippy show.

Was it for children or it was like more for adults?

I felt like it was more for adults, right?

But we're getting...

What a crispy TV.

Yeah, that is a crispy TV.

Okay, here's the original Applebee's.

And you see, it kind of just looks like a, we'll put this up on screen in the

YouTube feed as well.

But it kind of just looks like a TGI Fridays with an an old-timey sign, like an old-timey wood sign.

It looks better than the place we went last night.

It does say Edibles and Elixirs, it looks like it does.

And they had an Edibles and Elixirs sign that was inside the interior of

the Alhambra location we went to.

Bring back the edibles, man.

Yeah,

let's get fucking ripped.

The idea of like a weed restaurant, I know that they are those, like makes me sick because I would, I don't want that.

And I would get so high.

Yes, it's because we don't have a turn off with food and you'll just keep eating.

Yeah.

And then you'll be like, oh, no.

That's why I don't fuck with that.

Like, I'll do an edible, but like, a meal of edible?

No, no.

I clean my plate.

100%.

1998 was the year Applebee's opened its 1,000th restaurant, and it now has more than 1,500 worldwide locations.

In 2023, Nation's Restaurant News ranked it the 21st largest restaurant chain in America with 4.4 billion in sales.

It's a big boy.

Those are Dr.

Evil numbers right there.

You're doing great.

Yeah, you're thriving.

Those are Dr.

Evil numbers right there.

It is good.

$4.1 billion.

That is a lot of fucking money.

What is your history with Applebee's?

Why do you have such a passion for this chain?

I love Applebee's because they once had a dessert called the Apple Chimmy Cheesecake, which was

like a pastry with cheesecake in it.

And then they deep-fried it.

And then, or maybe it was like a fajita.

I don't know.

It was like some sort of crispy yum yum.

And then they deep-fried it, and then the cheesecake would be like warm and gooey.

And then there would be cinnamon, and then there was ice cream.

And it was the most delectable thing I could eat as a child that I was like allowed to eat.

It was so indulgent and so good.

And the cinnamon thingies that we had, that was like the outside of it.

But then imagine cheesecake inside.

That was delightful.

That sounds favorite.

It was so fucking good.

Were they little bites or was it a little bit?

No, it was like, it was a log.

Okay.

It was like a, yeah, like a little rectangle.

Wow.

We're log guys.

We like.

I love a log.

We love logs.

I love log food too.

And it was, oh, I loved it so much.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's why I like it.

We're loggers.

I have, we are loggers.

I had a

we're loggers.

We're loggers.

It's just funny when you do shit like that because I was like, he wasn't listening to me at all.

No, I heard everything you said.

You were just waiting for a gap so you can go, we're loggers.

I was.

Munching on your cheese i

it sounded fantastic it sounded fantastic i like a little log food we're loggers it's the truth we're cheese in your mouth and then have a full couple sentences after to say

oh i get my little cheese snacks during the show if my people they they're fine with that here's the here's the rule if my stomach goes a little grumble i go down and take a little piece of cheese snack and then it won't be it won't you won't hear my grumbles

stomach rumbling was one of the most one of the things i was the most self-conscious of in high school Yeah.

Why?

Armpit sweat.

That was a big one.

If I had armpit sweat.

I used to think, and then I realized no one really cares if you're pitting, but now, but I don't know.

No one cares.

In high school, in high school, it's in.

High school, yes.

Why are you self-conscious about tummy rumbles?

I don't know because I think I just thought that people associate it with anything stomach-wise.

Like I was afraid to take a shit.

Oh, I always think of tummy rumbles as, oh, you're hungies.

Yeah, and so I like wouldn't eat because I was afraid to take a shit.

And then my stomach rumbled over.

Oh, I see.

It was a good thing.

In a quiet classroom, and then like.

I hate that you keep eating the cheese and talking.

Yeah.

Why are you doing that?

We've done this 10 years now.

I don't know.

I take a little snacks sometimes.

Clearly, I haven't been, I'm not good at this.

You're doing great.

You're doing great.

You're good at this and other stuff.

When my stomach is grumbling, which it is, I'm afraid it's going to get picked up on the microphone.

So I take a little.

And the chewing's not getting picked up on the microphone.

You understand that your mouth is closer to the mic than your tummy, right?

I usually think the chewing probably gets picked up more than than the.

I don't think I've ever heard your tummy rumble on mic.

No, it's definitely the chewing.

Well, you know what?

Here's the last thing.

Either way, I cut it.

Here's the last thing.

Cheese is kind of tasty.

I like my little snacks.

We have these Sargento breaks

that are inside the head gum fridge, and they're one of the snack options that's readily available here.

It is like half of a little plastic container's worth of cheese bites, and the other half is like raisins and mixed nuts.

And I can hear the nut from here.

Now here's the thing.

You can't hold cold cheese.

We figured out.

I know.

It's such a strange thing.

Yeah.

I do not like the texture of cold cheese.

This is an insane thing.

If I make mac and cheese, I will wear gloves when I grab it.

I simply do not like it.

I think it's weird and gross.

How long has this been a thing?

My whole life.

Your whole life.

And so you would never like liked string cheese or anything?

Just like a slice of American cheese?

No.

Yeah.

Oh.

Do you not do slice of cheese on disgust?

Do you not do cheese?

It needs to be like slightly melted.

Yes.

Yeah.

Like an emerald cheese sandwich, you're fine.

I'm going to say that.

No, no.

That gross is mad out.

I just, and then when you like chomp into it, because I've had cold cheese before, when you chomp into it, I feel like the cheese gets stuck to the roof of your mouth.

That is an issue.

And then it's like, chew.

I mean, I guess it does happen.

Yeah, cheese does get stuck in your mouth.

It's not for me.

I mean, look, I love a melted cheese.

And we had some last night.

Yes.

But you love a cold cheese.

You've been snacking.

I just don't,

I don't want my stomach to be growling.

And so I sometimes take a little snacks.

I should have, look, is it 1:30?

Should I have eaten some sort of breakfast of some sort?

Yeah, probably.

But I didn't.

All right.

I have sleep problems.

I went and got a sleep study.

They put a bunch of devices on me.

I got another sleep study, and I got an MRI for my brain because my brain's not working.

There's some problems I'm having.

Okay, clearly.

My brain's not working.

My sleep's not working.

What happened at the sleep study?

Do you just go to a center and fall asleep?

Yeah, they have cameras on you all night and they wrap you up in a bunch of different stuff.

They yell at you when you start jacking off.

You can't jack off.

They're like, okay, Mitchie, go to sleep.

And you're like, man.

What?

This is my routine.

This is what I do.

So I fell asleep.

Whoa, his heart rate went up to like three beats per minute.

I went in there.

Yeah, they, they, they, they'll, they put tubes in your nose.

They put a thing around your chest so like it like tests how much like your chest is going in and out and breathing.

Yeah.

I've done, I've done a number of sleep studies as well.

And the, though, I, I've done like the take-home ones, uh, which you have to put all the shit on yourself.

But then I've done two of them where you have to sleep in a facility.

And I can just imagine the poor guy monitoring you, watching the video and just seeing you lying there with your eyes open, staring into the camera.

Well, this is the thing.

The first time, because, you know, I have insomnia and late onset insomnia, and I found ways to manage this, but it's an ongoing thing.

The first time I went to one of those sleep studies, I was awake the whole night.

Cause I'm like,

I'm in a space, like a hospital.

That's what I'm saying.

I've got a bunch of shit hooked up to me.

It's not a, I already have trouble falling asleep.

It's not a formula for restful sleep.

The second time, I think I got like three and a half hours.

The guys over there comes like, Nick, and you're like, yeah, like immediately?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Yeah.

Wait, so how do you manage your insomnia?

A bunch of different things, but the main thing is like light therapy.

So like the first thing I do in the morning, every morning is I get exposed to natural light.

I go on a walk in the sunlight.

That is great for your circadian rhythm for orienting your body of like, this is time for you to be awake.

And then I go to bed at the same time every night.

I have the blue light blocking glasses that I do.

It is

not far from 9.30.

I put blue light blocking glasses on

and an hour before bedtime, which, you know, like that, again, just cues my brain for its time to sleep.

This is, you're suit.

You're a Superman.

I have a whole routine.

The Superman, he loves the Sun.

It's true.

It's a similar sort of thing.

The Superman loves the Sun.

This is the truth.

This is real.

The red sun.

He went from the red sun of Krypton to the yellow sun of Earth, and that's what gave him his powers.

So anyway,

so

wait, I also will not have any caffeine after like 2 p.m.

So, Superman did not have powers on Krypton?

No, it's not like in Krypton,

everyone's just like a super.

Yeah, everyone's a super.

That's what I thought.

Yeah, so they're all, but like, they're like, we're normal, but then here, you know, like, you know, they're, yeah.

Wait, is it wait?

No, they're strong.

They can fly and stuff on Krypton, right?

But I think the yellow sun of Earth is what gave him his power.

I really love you saying the yellow sun of Earth.

I know, it sounds like he's been to many planets

krypton has a red sun global galaxy traveler the the yellow sun of the earth

so wait in krypton they could fly around but they they weren't like fighting crime who's krypton superman or do they just have regular krypton police i i shouldn't be i shouldn't be trying to to talk at length about dc lore because i honestly don't know it okay fair but but the the little the limited amount i do know in case you are you're not a superman guy at all are you no absolutely not the limited amount i know is that

I believe that.

I don't know Superman.

Oh, actually, I just wanted to include you.

I have one million questions going on in my head right now.

Like, does everybody from Krypton turn into Superman if they come here?

They do.

Yeah, a whole planet of Superman.

That's part of what happened with General Zod.

Yeah, General Zodd has those powers, too.

So, what if we go to Krypton?

Maybe we're superheroes.

Would we be superheroes anyway?

No, actually,

that's fucking bullshit, actually.

I wonder if that's happened to any.

There must be a DC arc where humans go to Krypton in the past before it exploded.

Cal L.

Is that Superman's real?

Cal L at Superman's real name.

That's his real name.

Batman had to have gone to Krypton at some point.

I'm sure Batman went to Krypton.

Yeah.

That had to have happened.

Cal L?

Cal L.

That's his first name?

Or is Cal L?

Cal hyphen L, I believe, is his full name.

I don't know if he has a surname.

And then his father is Jor L.

I really love that you guys

are saying surname instead of last name.

Mitch said it earlier, and I was like, okay.

And then you were like, surname.

And I'm like, Marla, it doesn't sting for you guys.

What's your your surname?

Kind of, or surnames kind of organically came up earlier when we were talking about Andy Carr, who my understanding now goes by Andy.

Andy Buss.

Formerly known as Andy Carr and Andy Buss.

I thought it was a great joke to start the show off.

No, it was great.

I'm sorry.

It was so good.

I'm striking out left and right here, but hey, I'm going to say this.

You struck out left and right last night because you didn't get home in time for your bedtime.

You had caffeine.

I know.

It was a fucking nightmare.

What a nightmare.

Oh, yeah.

How did, because the Mountain Dew is caffeinated.

Yeah, so I had a very blast.

I didn't have a lot of the Mountain Dew, but I, I had enough of it to, just, just to kind of get a taste.

So the caffeine didn't really impact me, but I got to bed very late last night.

I get to bed after midnight, which I never do.

And then, you know, I'm up at, I'm up at 6:30.

So like, I'm not like super well rested.

Six?

Yeah, 30.

Oof.

Jeez.

Yeah.

But I'm doing okay.

Six hours of sleep.

I get good.

Good six hours of sleep.

I can fucking sleep.

You know what?

I can't even do six hours of sleep anymore.

How many do you have to do?

12?

I mean, I still do.

Got to go in a coma.

I need, I mean, like, if I want to feel restful, I need like nine hours of sleep, probably, which is partially because I'm not sleeping well.

I do too.

And

I realized that, and partly my alpha brother Nate had like said he like thing he'd figured out is like, I just need nine hours of sleep.

You know what I mean?

And it's just like, that's just how, what my physiology is.

Eight is like the average men need.

Yeah.

So it's like you could need a little less.

You could need a little bit more.

Right.

Apparently women need like 11 hours of sleep to function.

Wow.

Yeah.

That's wild.

Oh, my God.

Wait, do you guys have sleep apnea?

I have not been diagnosed with sleep apnea.

Uh, Mitch, you have sleep apnea, right?

Oh, I got

sleep apnea.

I do have a machine, but there was an issue.

I was seeing floaters when others.

Oh, they said you actually have this whole thing.

They said you have wake apnea, right?

A wake apnea is really funny.

I was, I was, I was wearing a machine, and I wake up, and I, I'd, I'd see floaters, which by that I mean, I'd see the whale at the end of my bed.

Them little chunky feet blowing up to the sky.

Floater.

But

bye, whale.

Enjoy, Jack.

I'm going to miss you, whale.

Enjoy what's Superman's planet?

Krypton.

Krypton.

He's going to Krypton.

Where he's a superhero and he's thin over there in a red sun.

No refractory period on Krypton.

Just jack off all day long.

Man, a no-refractory planet would be pretty.

What if?

Can you imagine?

It'd be pretty what?

It'd be pretty.

You got so excited you couldn't finish the sentence.

Then I was like,

Jacking off is a young man's game.

It kind of is.

It's kind of

over at a certain point.

Yeah, at this point, I'm like, oh, God, I can't.

I'm going to jack off.

My bother.

Here's, you know what?

You'll think, I'll say this.

But what about in the shower?

Sometimes now.

I would never do that.

Sometimes I jack off in the shower.

It's a clean zone, if you say.

I do jack off in the shower quite a bit, actually.

But

it's not his clean zone.

Do you want to hear something bad when you're an older man and you're like, I got to jack off.

I'm like gunked up.

You know what I mean?

Right.

Like it's a medical procedure.

Well, I said it.

I'm gunked.

if his it's like medical in a way if a man ever said to me i'm gunked up babe i'm gunked up can you help me out i would walk into traffic

um you get gunked up you get gunked up guys get

trust me men out there know what i'm talking about when i say get gunked up Wager and Casey are being so quiet.

Well, because they fucking know, and I speak the truth.

I'm a a truth teller.

If enough time passes, you can get a little gunked up.

Wow, well, well, well.

Casey, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Yeah, you do.

Are you like mental gunk or like literal gunk?

Yes, it's literal.

It's a literal gunk.

It's literal.

It's a literal gunk.

It's a gunk.

And then when you finally jerk off, does it dribble out of you because you're all gunked up?

Because gunk to me is like it means thick.

It's more like you.

It can get thick.

It's more like you step on a toothpaste tube.

I hate that I'm attracted to men.

He is right.

It's like the old classic thing of stepping on a toothpaste

tube.

Oops.

I dropped my tooth tap.

I dropped my toothpaste on the floor.

I dropped my toothpaste and stepped on it.

That reminds me gum dump though.

Well, this episode is gross now,

but it's not really my fault.

It's just telling the truth.

Yeah.

It's okay.

You had to get your truth out there.

You get gunked up.

I get gunked up.

And so, wait, what were we talking about?

We were talking about sleep.

You said you were jacking off in the shower a lot.

No, I don't do it a lot.

I mean, I do.

You said that a lot.

You said a lot, and both your hands went out.

When I do it, when I do that stuff, I run to the shower.

It's true.

It is true.

We talked about this on the show show we have talked about this yes it's not that

it does not start in the shower it begins and then progresses to the shower it's easy cleanup when you're the big finale wait what you're like in bed jerking off and you're like gotta get to the shower before i come

on the bed is a clean zone

the bed is a clean zone the bed doesn't even the bed is a clean zone so you don't in beds i yeah i will in a bed of course but you won't jerk off in a bed uh but you don't fuck yourself in bed.

I don't jerk off in, I don't, don't jack off in beds anymore.

Anymore, but there was a period of time.

There was a long period of time where I jacked off in beds.

This is true.

Yeah, something happened.

Oh, wait, Mitch, that's true.

I did jack off in bed.

I didn't believe you till you emphasized it.

I like, as an adult man, I don't jack off in beds at all anymore.

What about a hotel?

What about a hotel?

Yeah.

No.

But you don't have to clean it up.

Build the shower in the middle.

Oh my God.

What the fuck is that?

What?

Jerk off in the the sheets.

They have to wash them.

No, that's horrible.

And then there's gunk in the sheets.

I don't want gunked up sheets.

Yeah.

You don't have to have gunked.

They'll change the sheets.

I know, but even it's going to be in there for some sort of time.

But what's the other thing?

I jack off and I put it on my belly and look like a fucking fool.

I don't know.

Rub it in.

Maybe it'll moisturize it.

Maybe it'll suddenly be soft to the touch.

You could take a little, you could do a little bit of prep and be like, hey, I'll get a washcloth.

Or I'll get some shoes from the bathroom.

Oh, yeah.

This is what I'm thinking.

Oh, you know what?

I'm about to jack off.

Maybe I'll get a washcloth.

No way.

It's fucking time to jack off.

You're not doing any prep.

You're just like...

Time to get the gunk out.

That's what I'm thinking.

Just wait.

Just all of a sudden, just spontaneously.

You treated yourself nice and got yourself like a hot towel, like

a warm, damp towel to jerk off into.

Here's a little intimacy kit to prep.

I'm going to prepare myself.

Yeah, get a little intimacy kit.

It's embarrassing when you you jack off onto your belly, anyways.

Well, that's our show.

Embarrassing?

Why is it embarrassing?

You're alone.

I'm like, I'm fucking putting a load on myself.

It's kind of fun.

I don't know.

But that's what the towel is.

Yes.

So get a towel.

You're a t-shirt.

You wear a t-shirt.

Because then you have to wipe it off your belly anyway.

Nothing on my belly.

That's fucking wild.

So when I was on.

I guess, yeah, you would be sitting.

Oh, no, no, you're laying down, you're laying down when you're jacking off.

Oh, but it depends on the person, but you don't.

Sounds like sometimes because you're sheer standing in the shower.

Yeah, sometimes you're standing in the shower, unless you lay down in your shower.

I used to.

What?

When I was younger, I did lay down in my shower.

This is all true.

This actually all ties into the first time you jacked off.

This is when

my dad walked in on me the first time I jacked off.

When you were laying down in the shower, yes,

as

I was finishing.

This is the truth.

Yeah, I don't want kids.

That doesn't, that's not for me.

I'm embarrassed.

I'm like ashamed of myself.

So wait, what happened?

I was masturbating.

That I know.

And then as you came.

The WHDH news lady, I remember specifically, it was like, I gone to.

I had gone to on a field trip in middle school and the guys were talking about jacking off.

And I was like, I haven't jacked off yet.

This is embarrassing.

I need to get this over with.

I need to jack off.

There was a lady on the news who I thought was attractive.

I was like, I watched the news.

Yeah.

This is, this is a different time.

I watched the news.

You can still drink off to newscasters.

100%.

And I do.

But the train derailed outside of Boston.

It was the story on the Unbreakable event.

And so

I watched the WHGH lady.

I got into the tub.

I masturbated.

You lied down.

You lied down on your body.

I'm going to go.

I'm in the tub.

And then was the shower on?

Yeah, the shower was on.

Okay.

I took some baby shampoo.

Baby shampoo?

I masturbated.

You learned the hard way.

That's not the best idea.

It's okay.

It's fine.

Why did you have baby shampoo?

Does the no-tears transfer down below or no?

Emma, that is horrifying.

That's a great question.

Honestly, it kind of does.

That's great.

That's fun.

Masturbated.

And then

as I was finishing, my dad basically opened up the shower.

He's basically almost stepped on my head.

Oh, boy.

Seeing daddy's foot after you come.

I like went there.

I was like, oh, boy, that is scary.

No, daddy, no.

Oh, yes, no, daddy.

I got a picture of his foot still.

So

it's the only way I can get off now.

Is it just like in your shower?

I do.

The shower is easy cleanup.

I know that you say that's a clean zone, but it's an easy cleanup.

I guess, yeah.

Yeah.

So we've talked about this before.

I have, I do sometimes just jack off into the shower.

I don't understand that like over the toilet, but I guess the toilet's a tough aim.

I don't know what you're doing.

The toilet's a dirty zone.

Yeah, the toilet, the toilet's disgusting, but I'm just saying, like, if you're, if you're purely from a, from a standpoint of, like, I just want less cleanup, that feels like even, you know, look, we're not going to get to the bottom of this thing.

Aim.

You can't aim, come, can you?

Because I feel like it's like splattered.

Maybe it dribbles out.

Now, look, some people can't gunked up for sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

If you're gunked up, you're

shower time for sure.

Shower time.

Anyways, this brought down the room.

We were having fun.

Here's what I was...

The thought I was having while we were going through this revolting conversation is I served on a jury.

I met some people, a bunch of strangers, and you get having some small talk.

Were you juror number two?

I mentioned that.

I was juror number two.

I was not juror number two.

It was a different number.

I mentioned.

But was the case about you?

The case was about me.

Okay.

But I did,

I shared at a certain point that I have a podcast.

And the end, people were like, hey, what's your podcast?

I'm going to check it out.

And just the fact that some of these lovely people that I met who come from different walks of life may be listening to this episode.

Oh,

I thought he was so nice.

He's so normal.

Now he's talking about clean zones and jerking off when his co-host.

This is real.

This is real stuff.

You're on a jury.

You saw the, you saw the harshness of the world.

This is the real world.

Fucking grow up.

Fucking jurors.

Yell at them.

Yell at people.

Fuck them.

Fuck them.

Yeah.

But they're listening for the first time.

Oh, fuck off.

We don't need you.

I don't think anyone's going to listen.

Yeah, I know.

They're not going to listen.

You see this guy?

If he told you, I have a podcast, would you listen to it?

Yeah, I think you're a friendly person.

Oh, what a nice thing to say.

Yeah, I listen to a podcast.

I'd be like, I have a podcast, and I met you in the wild.

Me?

Yeah.

What do you mean, me?

I'm looking at you.

I said it to you.

And you went, me?

This freak.

If I didn't know this freak and I met him in public and he said, I have a podcast, there's no way on earth I'm listening to that.

Yes, you would.

You've been podcasting together for 10 years.

I don't listen to podcasts.

All right.

Moving on.

We went to the Alhambra Applebee's.

It is a small footprint for an Applebee's.

I think it's more the size of like a Panera.

It's not like a bit.

Like the Applebees have like these huge like dining rooms and it's not one of those.

And it's also as part of a complex.

It's not like its own its own building.

But it definitely is the Applebee's vibes.

And we started with some drinks.

I got the Rockin' Poppin' Shirley, which is a Shirley temple that had some strawberry pop rocks within it.

And Mitch, the other NA bev we got was the Mountain Dew Dark Berry Blast that you mentioned, which is an exclusive Applebee's flavor, which I thought was a lot of fun.

It's our way of doing it.

Sir, didn't know.

She had no idea.

She was like, really?

Only we have it?

Yeah.

I was like, yeah, bitch, read the menu.

I feel like that happens a lot when restaurants have like an exclusive soda flavor.

When we ask for it, the servers are like, what are you talking about?

Yes.

And you have to be like, I saw this thing.

The Mountain Dew also is one of the, they have a bunch of exclusive flavors, like Baja Blast most famously, but they've got an exclusive flavor at Buffalo Wild Wings.

I don't know that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'll just stumble upon them.

Yeah, I mentioned this to the server.

I mean,

I was trying to have some banter.

She didn't care.

No, she simply said, I came, I clocked in.

I'll bring you what you asked for.

Yeah.

I will not check in on you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That is also true.

That was a slight issue.

Well, and then a big thing with this, with what was the drink called again?

The Rockin' Poppin' Shirley.

Is a big thing is that we had a big spill here.

Is Weiger knocked over.

He was, he was, he was, He was going to go around me.

We were telling secrets.

Look, here's the thing.

Okay, so Mitch had a secret.

Mitch has good gossip, and Mitch was going to disclose.

Disclose on his second.

Don't put me out there as a gossip guy.

You are a gossip guy.

You are a gossip guy.

Such a gossip guy.

I know.

Coming to the CW gossip guy.

Hey, it's me.

If you like gossip girls, but you don't like ladies, gossip guys.

For you,

we were going to disclose a secret.

I was going to disclose a little secret.

You disclose a little secret.

And you really wanted to know it.

And I was fine not knowing it.

And you were going to feel better about sharing something

if fewer people knew it.

So I volunteered.

So the thing that we,

this is complicated because the thing that we can do.

You don't need to get any more specific.

And it was something that I was like, I won't tell this person, but we can know it for a reason.

Yes.

Yeah.

And so I.

You should stay that vague.

Don't get any more specific.

I won't get any more specific.

So I volunteered to leave the table and thinking I'm being noble here.

And then you turned into a cartoon character, hit your head on a light, knocked over your drink.

Somehow, all of the drink ended up in a plate.

Nothing ended up on you.

It was really wild.

Yeah, I

knocked over a full drink onto a plate.

Look, there was a dangling lamp over the table, which

you had into it and you got electrocuted.

I got your head into it.

That's what happened.

Yeah.

And then you knocked over the drink.

And I flailed my arm wildly, and I knocked over my entire Shirley temple.

Yes, Nicole is right.

That like it kind of like

settled into a reservoir

on a share plate.

And you could control electricity after that.

Is that correct?

Yes.

The way you just laugh sounded like awake apnea.

I do have a deviated septum, I found out.

Wow.

Get a nose job.

I'm going to get it fixed, but then I am afraid that it will make my nose look different.

I don't want my nose to fix it.

No, they can undeviate your septum and keep your nose.

Okay.

All right.

That's what I, that's what I want to do.

Because I do think that it will help me breathe more.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

There's always a.

There is like a,

you know.

Yeah, right.

It sounds like a, it sounds like chimp-like.

It's like a.

Chimp-like.

It's like, you know, like, like, you know how monkeys grunt and stuff?

Like, like, when I'm breathing, it's like, it's like that.

It's not chimp adjacent.

It's chimp adjacent.

But what are we?

Besides, we are chimp adjacent.

Yeah.

Did you watch Chimp Crazy?

Yes, I did.

Did you love it?

It was wild.

It is wild.

I really loved that lady with the blonde hair who, I don't want to say it because it's a spoiler, but

look, let me let I, since you guys know it and I don't know it, I'll just get up and get out of here.

But you don't have a drink to knock over.

That was satisfying.

That was very funny.

I mean, I love, there's a big reveal in the chimp crazy documentary, and it is so funny.

So unhinged.

It's very, very, very funny.

It's a good reveal.

Did you watch it?

I was watching.

I didn't watch it.

It's fun.

It's good.

It is good.

It is fun.

Okay.

I mean, it does get a little harrowing when they talk about the monkeys

being like, hey, I don't want to be in this kind of captivity.

I'm going to rip your face off.

I'm so fucking scared of chimps.

If I was ever a thing like like, hey, we're going to.

I'm going to absolutely reinforce your fear of chimps.

Because

if they were ever like, because they're so strong.

Like, like, they're like, I remember reading a thing of like, hey, what if you tried to wrestle a chimp?

They're like, well, they would just rip your bicep off.

Oh, my God.

They're so strong.

And

so if I was ever in a context where they're like, hey, we're doing this chimp movie.

Do you want to work on it?

I'd be like, no, I'm going nowhere near that.

I don't want to get fucking killed by a chimp.

Yeah, me either.

Not how I want to go.

i'm trying to think of this who are you texting i'm not texting anyone i'm i'm looking up uh oh it is true mike tyson remember he he like he asked the zookeeper to fight a gorilla one time yes which i like love that story because i am also like would mike tyson be the guy who maybe could have kit like beaten a gorilla like is he a guy who or would he have just or would mike tyson the guy in my head who's like at his prime is the strongest man in the world right like who's tougher yeah who's tougher than when mike tyson was was at his prime?

I'm not talking about this last Netflix fight.

Even still, I mean, but when he was in his 20s, I mean, Mike Tyson would still kill you right now.

Of course, of course, yes.

But, like,

when he was in his 20s, would I'm like, would he be?

I mean, he bit an ear off a person.

I don't think I have the strength for that.

That is, that is, that is wild.

And that was past his prime, Tyson.

But if you watch like those old fights when he was like, he would, he would knock someone out within the first round.

That's what I'm saying.

He was past his prime when he bit an ear off?

Yeah, that was after he got out of prison.

That was after

his comeback phase.

I'm saying, was he so strong that if he like punched a chimp for a monkey, would they be like, fuck, like, would they get fucked off by it?

I think they'd feel it, but I think is it a possibility?

I think they'd feel it, but I think he'd still be in a lot of trouble.

I think so, too.

You think that he would just get ripped apart?

I think so, yeah.

Because they're just so much stronger.

They're so strong.

They're scary.

They are.

They are.

And they bite right away.

They are.

They like rip your face off right away.

If you're talking about a gorilla, you're talking about like, that's like 600 pounds of muscle.

It's like, that's so.

They talk about in the documentary that Travis the chimp, the like famous story, he ripped the door off of the police car.

Oh, right.

Yeah, it's

sick.

It's wild.

Yeah.

Maybe they came from an ape planet and the yellow sun of Earth gave them superpowers.

Oh, my God.

It is like a dumb.

I just realized that I am like a dumb kid that I am like, maybe Tyson could take them.

Like in my mind, I'm like, maybe he could, maybe he could take the shit off.

It's fun to imagine to fantasize about it i don't think it's actually what could happen yeah unfortunately well they they are they're they're in the in this when you get gunked up just think about that

it's not a sexual thing

think about mike jason beating up on a on a monkey i i there there's there's stuff in that when they get older too the chimps get older when they're babe when they're little they're not a big problem but when they get older they get like crusty and fucked up and like well they're scary yeah yeah i think it's they hit puberty and they

get strong, and then they're like, I don't want to be here with these people.

Yeah, I got to wear overalls again.

Like, imagine being a killer, being forced to wear overalls.

Yeah, now that, but now they're not in, uh, they aren't allowed in movies anymore.

That uh, that I mean, like, it's, it's, and it's very good CG work, but the chimp attack and nope is harrowing.

Oh, yeah, that's a rough, that's a rough one.

Our favorite Jordan Peel, you and I.

Yeah, I love it.

I like it.

I haven't seen Nope.

They should see it.

That's my favorite one of his.

I like it.

The okay.

So the other drinks we got, the boozy drinks, Perfect Strawberry, Margarita, and Berry Mary Colada, which had a Santa,

which had a Santa gummy.

Mitch said out loud to the server, will it come with the Santa gummy?

And she was like, I don't know any of our menu.

She,

I think she maybe did just ignore that question.

Yeah.

You both laughed at me for asking about the Santa gummy.

It was really fun.

It was really funny.

I will also just say, when I had my Mr.

Bean Bean Pratt fall earlier, you both laughed very hard, and a lot of the restaurant turned and looked at me.

Yes, it was very embarrassing.

It was really embarrassing.

I did laugh too.

It was one of those moments where I was like, I'm being like, that was an obnoxious laugh.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's fine.

Cannot contain giggles at any point.

Oh, I don't care.

And it was just so fucking funny.

So the restaurant turned to see you be like,

They were looking because you got electrocuted.

Is he okay?

It was so loud, too.

I think as much as anything, it was the noise of me hitting my head going like, ah, fuck, and then knocking an entire glass over.

And then you're like, laugh at me.

Well, look at this.

And then you're shooting lightning out of your hands.

Look at this.

What did you think of that margarita?

I genuinely liked it.

Wow.

Okay.

I thought it was, you tasted it.

You didn't taste it, though.

Did you like it?

I liked it.

It was stronger than I thought it would be, which is maybe probably a good thing.

Yeah, Applebee's because mine, mine looks, mine,

mine was white and then had red and green stripes, and then it just like mixed together and just kind of looked like, like, it did not.

It looked like gunk.

It looked like gunk.

It did look like gunk.

It did look a little bit like what I imagined gunk to look like.

Yeah, it was.

It was, uh, it was like off-white, yellowish, kind of not great looking.

Oof.

Sorry.

I didn't have to describe it.

It did not look good, but it tasted

good.

It was like a pina colada.

I'd say the drink's kind of a highlight, honestly, all around.

I like the Shirley Temple.

I thought it was really, really flavorful.

You warned us about the Mountain Dew.

For me, it's a lot of sugar, and it's like very, very sweet.

And the color is a little upsetting.

It is

like a, it's the color of my socks.

Right.

Which you're like, I can't drink that.

And a naturally blue hue.

It looks like

windshield wiper fluid.

Yeah, I guess that's like a little less, whatever.

It's scary.

It's a scary color.

Yeah, it was intense.

It's definitely, it does not look like organic matter.

I liked it okay.

I liked

worth.

It doesn't look like organic matter.

You are a freak, man.

You don't seem like a human being sometimes.

Sorry, I'm sorry.

What do you want from me?

Try to mute my vocab.

No.

No, we love you.

You know what?

We love you.

What was that word you said that was too much for Mitch?

Contemporaneous.

Oh, I love that you remember.

Good word.

What does it mean?

Happening at the same time as.

I know that.

But it's a useful word because

encapsulating that entire idea within one word.

Contemporaneous.

It's useful.

I liked it.

Yeah.

Feel free to give it a whirl.

He's a wordsmith.

He loves throwing words out there.

And I'm a maloprop.

I use words incorrectly.

That's fun too, though.

And you know what?

Here's the other thing.

As a wordsmith who's like also kind of dumb, I will oftentimes do some malaprop myself.

I'll misuse a a word.

So, that's that's fine.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah, it's fine.

We love you just the way you are.

Mitch, we love you too.

We love you.

Cole, we love you.

Oh, thank you.

Casey, we love you.

Emma, we love you.

We love you.

Jemmy, we love you.

We love you.

Who?

Jimmy, I love you the most.

Oh, Jem.

Oh, I was like, wait, who?

Jemmy, so Jemmy is hiding on the floor.

Jemmy usually comes over and sits there with Papa Mitch, but it's not happening today for some reason.

Even though a lot of cheese was given.

I know.

Look, I've been gone for three months.

It's been a...

Jimmy.

Jemmy, come over here.

Come over here, sweetie.

Are you cold?

I think Jemmy's cold.

Are you cold?

Is that

Nevis?

Oh, good stretch.

Is my voice talking to Jemmy really that much creeper than the way he's doing it right now?

Oh, it is.

Okay.

Yeah, it's really upsetting.

All right, never mind.

Are you cold, baby girl?

Are you cold?

Cold, sweetie?

I'll bring your coat next time.

She's got a a coat.

That's cute as hell.

That is really cute.

You should see this girl in the snow.

She does not like it.

I could imagine.

I don't like the snow.

Yeah, I don't like the snow.

I want to go back to.

I said that on

X, Twitter, which I'm going to get.

I'm going to get off X.

I need to get off X because it is just now truth social.

It's the same thing.

I mean,

the memes are funny.

I mean, I giggle a lot on Twitter.

I mean, me too.

It's gotten insane.

It is very

right-winging.

Blue sky.

Blue sky is.

Yeah, maybe I just don't have to do any of them.

I'm not doing it, I'm not moving to another platform.

I stopped doing, I got off of social media for what I thought was a month and would end up being just like forever, like a couple of years ago.

And it's and you don't miss it.

Like, I did it at Facebook, and I don't think about Facebook at all, but I do have a dummy Facebook now because Facebook Marketplace is happening.

I've heard this about Facebook,

like in a way where people to understand things that they have are more valuable than what they're selling it at.

Wow.

So you can can get some very nice deals and some very nice stuff.

Wow.

Boy, I just, I hate,

I hate the idea of doing anything with meta, but I guess I also, like, I have a fucking MetaQuest, so I have a VR headset.

So what's a MetaQuest?

It's a, it's a VR headset.

Oh.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I don't like that.

It gives me motion sickness.

It does.

This is the thing.

Like, I got it for

specific video games and I found I don't use it very often.

He does a restaurant simulator with a.

and in that world he not so is drinking

electrocuted.

It still happens.

He's working on it so that it doesn't happen in real life.

I do have a game that is a restaurant simulator.

Like you work in the restaurant and you have to like make food for you.

Oh, yeah.

It's really fun.

That's a fun game.

Yeah.

I played that too.

It's a fun.

That is fun.

Make the hamburgers.

I can't remember the name of it right now, but yeah.

Either.

There was a hamburger game on the Nintendo way back in the day.

Well, yeah, way back in the day, there was the classic arcade game Burger Time, where you played the chef Peter Pepper assembling giant hamburgers.

But the

what is the name of this?

Burger Time.

How will I remember?

Somebody texted to you?

Yes.

Burger Time.

Burger Time.

Which is, it sounds like an old Doughboys.

It does.

Like the Pussy Boys.

Going to Burger Time with the Pussy Friends.

The Pussy Friends.

That's what it was.

Drinks, I'm having fun.

I haven't seen you in a long time.

We haven't had dinner with you in a while.

I know.

It was great.

We all cooked together.

It was nice.

It was a nice.

This is the, again, I said earlier,

this is the ideal Doughboys experience.

The Doughboys with the guest, all together, all sharing one meal at the restaurant.

That's what I want to do with the podcast.

I had a nice.

I'm glad we were able to do that with Applebee's.

I'm glad we were able to do that.

Alhambra.

It was, it was, it was, it was a.

Let's get into the food.

Mitch is already in it.

We got the classic combo, which was all the classic apps you love: boneless wings, spinach and artichoke dip, chicken quesadilla, and mozzarella sticks.

We also got the neighborhood nachos with beef uh very standard issue nachos i honestly feel like those nachos are not really much of a step up from del taco or taco bell nachos they're kind of fast food nachos they were a little disappointing um i wanted the meat to be have a little bit more seasoning yes like i think it was just it was overall bland but i did like the sampler The sampler was fun.

And, you know, Mitch, this is a thing I said to Nicole at the restaurant is that you and I have eaten so many of these sampler platters over the years.

I feel like this is one of our most commonly eaten like menu items.

Well, it is from different restaurants.

You get a little taste of each shit.

You will taste of everything.

And so we're used to this format.

I thought this one was pretty good.

I like the mozzarella sticks.

I like the spinach and artichoke dip more than I expected.

And I thought the chicken quesadilla got the job done and the bonus wings were whatever.

I thought overall it was kind of bland, but I still liked it.

I thought, you know what?

Here's a criticism.

The buffalo chicken very salty.

It was a little too salty.

A little too salty.

I usually will get them sauceless and then order the sauce on the side so I can control the sauce.

That's smart.

But I was like,

we can get them sauced.

I know people prefer it that way.

I love the mozzarella sticks.

I thought they were really good.

I love the artichoke dip, the spinach artichoke dip.

And I agree, the quesadilla was like, great.

It's a chicken quesadilla.

Here's another.

It's a fun sample.

Here's another bit.

The items are fun.

The items are fun.

Another complaint, though, because you also get some chips as part of it.

And then there's a pico de Gallo.

I don't think that Pico de Gallo has much flavor.

I think they need a better salsa.

Yeah.

And you can dip the quesadilla in it too, but it doesn't really need it.

But perfectly serviceable appetizer sampler and nachos are kind of disappointing.

The burgers.

Here's where we get into the pickles dispute.

And this was a whole thing.

Picklegate.

Picklegate was a whole like mystery that

I could not unpack.

And when it finally got solved, I was shocked.

You both got classic bacon cheese burgers.

Nicole, you ordered yours without pickles.

Mitch, you wanted the pickles.

They arrive.

Neither of them has pickles, which takes a second to figure out.

Yes.

Child holding it was like, I don't know how to look.

And then was like lifting it and lowering it and lifting it.

It was actually truly insane.

Because you were like, which one has she?

Because she said, Nicole said, I ordered mine without pickles.

Yeah.

And there wasn't even like a flag in one of them to indicate or anything like that.

And it was like what felt like way too long of the guy being like, looking at

looking.

He was lowering it and lifting it and lowering it and lift.

And then you were like, Well, you look.

And I was like, No, let your fingies touch it.

And then that kid really liked when I said fingies.

He did like it.

He was like, Oh, fingies.

Then we found out neither of them have pickles.

Neither of them had pickles, which was to me.

I'm a pickle lover.

I like it.

So you ordered a plate of pickles.

I ordered a side.

I said, Can I?

You said, Can I have a big platter of pickles?

I said, Give me as many pickles as you got.

Give me just the jar of pickles.

And she said, You got it.

Actually, that's not true.

She walked by me first, and then I got her.

She's great.

I'm not trying to be mean to her.

It's clearly

maybe too many tables.

Too many.

She was mostly in another part of the restaurant.

We did get like, though, left alone for a little bit.

I also think she's a pretty person at a job she doesn't belong at.

Your theory of

very pretty.

She was very pretty.

Yeah.

And, you know, it's tough for pretty people to have jobs.

And also,

she was very nice, but I also like this guy who's like, is there a gummy bear in my drink?

And can I get a sign of pickles?

Probably pretty annoying.

Yeah.

Sorry, I spilled my shirty temple.

Her side of the table was

pop rock.

But then when she brought the napkins, they were like bathroom napkins.

She did bring a bunch of paper towels from the bathroom.

Yes.

Yeah.

Because they, well, it was like a class five spill.

They had to do something.

Oh, my God.

I thought this was for your hand.

No, and then

you like wager you like took the the plate of liquid yeah and slid slid it in front of mitch and then mitch was like whoa

and then she tried to pick it up and she just went i'll put a napkin on it and picked the smallest napkin and just placed it on top and i was like this pretty lady doesn't understand

that's not going to absorb any of it To give her credit, she did bring you another drink, which was a mistake because you could have just spilled that one as well.

But there was pop rocks in that thing.

It was popping, and it was a nightmare.

But

she brought us those paper towels.

You then go on, you're the one who spills the drink.

We use all our napkins to help you out.

And then you go on to hog all the paper towels.

You hog the bathroom napkins.

It was giving us the bathroom napkins.

I know.

I defer because the napkins were brought to clean up the spill, but then the other napkins got used.

I just got all discombobulated.

I apologize.

So you had a pile of bathroom napkins.

Nicole and I have no napkins.

Look, I got electrocuted.

What do you want from me?

And every time you try to give us a napkin, he says you're electrocuted, they kept sparking and getting on fire.

And that's why people were looking, you were causing a fire.

But I ordered the pickles.

Man, having the wielding the power of electricity would be pretty awesome.

It's pretty good.

Storm from the X-Men?

Yeah, that would be cool.

Having Storm's powers would be cool.

Not just electricity.

You need more than electricity.

It's not Ernest Goes to Prison just itself would be as fun.

It'd be pretty good, though.

I mean,

it's better than nothing.

Like the Lec Man for Mega Man.

Yeah.

You're doing all right.

It's better than nothing.

Yeah.

I want to control the weather so I can keep it sunny, but breezy for me.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah.

I like a nice 68-degree day outside.

That's what I would keep it at.

It's a little cold.

Make it a little warmer, yeah.

I think it's nice.

Well, I mean, if it's 68, but then sunny, sunny.

Like, it has to be, like, really sunny, no overcast.

I like it cooler.

Hot, too.

I think this is your New England side of you.

Yeah.

I like things a little cooler.

The Boston side of you.

Get me.

Get me the Irish accident.

I'm tired of the Boston side.

Like, Dropkick Murphy is have a pint.

The Dropkick Murphy's.

Have a pint.

Are they an Irish band?

They came to...

Wait, were you at that show?

No.

No, you weren't at that show.

You weren't at that show.

They were at a

Boston show.

Oh, that's fun.

What's up, Tim?

Tim from Dropkick Murphy.

Tim Brennan, yeah.

No, I was at a show where someone vomited in the balcony and everyone was so chill about it.

And then they blamed it on my Quincy friends.

They were like, Mitch's Quincy friends were farting and puking in the balcony.

And I was like, What puke happened during the first show?

Your Quincy friends got cut off before the start of the second.

That's okay.

To clear this up,

to clear this up, it was Wu who got cut off.

Yes, it was one of the best.

And

he was just buying people drinks.

And they're like, you can't, he bought too many people drinks.

Man, you and I were texting that pic of Donovan Mitchell, your name, your NBA namesake, in underwear, this huge hog.

Yeah, well, to be clear, you also texted that, not me.

Okay, well, we were all group texting about it.

I would like to see the huge hog.

Let me see if we can bring it up.

But

he's in underwear, but it's a small

bulge.

That's fine.

It doesn't go from Donovan Mitchell to Donovan Mitchell.

Not every Donovan Mitchell has

that.

The bulge is on it.

It's a bulk.

I feel like you've said your penis is small too many times, and I don't believe it.

Oh my God.

I feel like, no, I'm saying, I think it's bigger.

Oh, oh, thank you.

I feel like you're trying to hide.

You got what I was saying, right?

Yeah.

I'm feeling like you say it's small so many times, it's actually easy.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

So on the left is Shea Gilgis Alexander.

On the right is Donovan Mitchell.

This meme began with the poster said, We outmeted Shea,

which is the Donovan Mitchell fan saying that he has a bigger hog.

So you can kind of see that there.

These are two of the

best two players on two of the best teams in the NBA.

Pretty substantial, right?

That's nice.

Yeah.

And Nicole, can I now say that I did a sketch on Jimmy Kimmel with Jack Allison where I wore a skin suit and people commented, where are their dicks?

This is the truth.

Oh, no.

Wait, this is.

Yeah.

And then

there is a Shea Galjis-Alexander fan arguing that it's the out-bulging does not mean out-meeting, that, you know, he might actually have a bigger bulge, but maybe not actually bigger meet.

It just could be more flattering.

Boy, what a dream.

My mom was talking about how he looks great.

They both look great.

Yes.

My mom was talking about how she's wrong.

Talking about hogs.

My mom was like, sumo wrestlers get castrated so that they don't,

like, that's like a part of the thing.

I was like, that's not true, mom.

That's like an old wives.

Yes.

Yeah.

Tale.

I don't know if that's maybe not the right word to say anymore.

Old wives' tale.

You could say old wives tale.

Old wives tale.

Mitch, if you get canceled for saying old wives' tale, I just don't even know what the world is.

After I described how I jerked jerked off,

my mom was like, they used to get castrated.

That's how it worked.

And then I was like, I'm going to look this up.

And I looked it up.

And then it said, the first thing that came up was like, do sumos have the power to lift their sacks into their bodies, their testicles into their bodies.

The power?

When they get to the yellow sun, that's what they get to do.

Do they have the ability to do that?

Which I was like, is that an ability that you can do?

I never heard this.

Here, try it right now.

Try to suck them up.

We'll be right back.

We're back.

You all right?

Yeah, Wags.

We went to the bathroom.

Wags helped me get him out.

The whole thing.

That's awesome.

Honestly, that would be sweet.

And I do think you would help.

I would help.

It would be, I think.

Your friendship is really heartwarming.

Oh, that's wow.

Yeah.

You really are.

We have our bumps in the road.

There's a lot of affection for each other.

Yeah.

You would help

pull my balls out of my body, I guess, is what we're saying.

You gunked up, buddy.

You gunked up, buddy.

That was upsetting.

In the best way.

You gunked up, buddy.

I got the quesadilla burger.

Wait, so

we got to put a bit on the pickles dispute.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so she came back to the table and she goes, Oh,

we're out of pickles.

We're out of pickles.

We're out of pickles.

prestige.

We're out of

pickles.

How can you be out of pickles?

I don't know.

I don't know.

That is, it's, it is nearly as crazy as saying we're out of burgers.

And how does the food writer not know that?

Yes.

I mean, that is the other side of it.

Which a part of me just thinks I was like, can I get a side of pickles?

And maybe they just were like, we don't want to open a new one.

Yeah, we don't want to deal with it.

We don't want to deal with it.

Very well considered a possibility.

I don't think so.

I don't think

it's so easy to get a side of pickles.

It's not like an ordeal.

Yeah.

Yep.

Anyway, it was an odd interaction.

I got the quesadilla burger, which comes with bacon.

So I got no bacon on it.

And I upgraded to waffle fries.

How were your fries?

I like them.

You liked your fries?

They were hot.

They were fresh.

I like an Applebee's fry.

I was kind of disappointed that you got waffle fries.

Well, we were going to share.

We had to share.

We were going to share our meals.

We were going to share the quesadilla burger, and we were going to share.

This other dish.

We did.

Botle, honey, chicken, mac and cheese.

Which I warned you.

You warned us.

I said it was nasty.

You said it was.

You said it it was awful.

And

I agree with your verdict, which we'll get to.

Mitch, you're glad that you got a bacon cheeseburger in advertisement.

You are glad.

We'll get to your verdict.

This guy's been on the jury a little too long.

All right.

Bitch, you're out of order.

Okay, well.

The dish is officially called the 4-cheese mac and cheese with honey pepper chicken tenders.

The honey is, I think, the big issue, but the mac and cheese isn't working either.

But let's talk burgers first.

You were disappointed I got the waffle fries.

Why is that?

Because I just,

there's few places where I like the waffle fries more, and it's, I think, only Carl's Jr.

where I like the where I like.

Didn't you get normal fries?

I got normal fries, but this is after all the whole icy fries.

This is after the whole thing of icy before.

Every single component of every single thing had bacon was the issue.

Yes.

Was that the mac and cheese thing and the quesadilla burger?

Everything had bacon.

Yeah.

And so I was just like, let's just forget this.

I'll just get a burger.

So I went with the bacon.

And I on the spot, had to come up with it.

I didn't know what to do.

I got a bacon cheeseburger with no pickles.

It was just like such a boring burger.

I like wish I could have done something different, but it wasn't a bad tasting burger.

It was, it was, it was decent tasting.

I couldn't eat.

I didn't have an appetite, weirdly, which never happens to me.

That's okay.

So, so I could only, I mean, I still ate probably like 3,000 calories worth of food.

Yeah, I ate so much.

I ate half my.

We did have a lot of appetizing.

We had a lot of appetizers.

I ate half my burger.

It was, it was decent.

It was just very boring.

And there's like, they don't even give you mayo as an option.

It's just like a plain, it's lettuce, tomato, onion, bacon, and a cheeseburger with nothing on it.

No condiments.

There's no condiments.

It's dry.

It's a dry burger.

It's a dry guy.

And I love dry, I like a dry burger.

I don't like a saucy burger.

I'm a very plain lady.

I eat hot dogs plain.

I endorse that.

I like hot dogs.

I think eating hot dogs plane is fine.

I just, when it's a dry burger like that, I just feel like you need to have like the options of condiments.

You need like ketchup and mustard.

They had ketchup on the table.

They did.

And I guess I could have asked for mayo and mustard, but I was just like, I'm just going to dip it in ketchup and call it a day.

But can you imagine eating and that with no pickles as well?

Pickles would,

I know you don't like them.

They're nasty.

But pickles would do some work for me in that scenario.

It would certainly help with it feeling like less of a dry guy.

Can you imagine eating that burger if you didn't eat ketchup or something, just eating that burger dry like that?

Yeah.

it's so fucking boring I get I get what you're saying what it looks like I like it I think it has a buttery bun it does have it does have a buttery it did have it did have a buttery bun

I like that buttery bun it did have a very buttery bun and the bun is like a little crispy on the edges I like an Applebee's burger also I'm very nostalgic as like a kid I used to hit Applebee's burgers when I was a kid and then my Apple chimy cheesecake which they do not have yeah

I don't know if I've ever been to an Applebee's and there's an Applebee's in Quincy which is one, that's what I wanted to

break, that's what I wanted to break through with.

Oh, geez.

That's the first one I wanted to go to.

Was it there when you were growing up?

It came, no, it came like later on.

Okay, maybe after you moved out.

I have been to Applebee's a number of times over the course of my life, but it is the one of, if we talk about like kind of the triforce of the, these sort of sit-down bar and grill chains of Chili's, TGI Fridays, and Applebee's, it's the one I've been to the least.

Yeah.

But I, I do like Applebee's overall, and

I was interested to see how it held up with my return.

Do you feel like, okay, so I love chilies, and I feel like Chili's is just spicy Applebee's.

It is very much.

I think it's kind of like a Tex-Mex Applebee's.

I think my chilies might actually predate Applebee's.

I could be wrong on that.

This is a topic of conversation last night.

We said, is chilies better than Applebee's?

And I think we all said yes.

I would say yes, but you didn't have a great experience with your most recent Chili's visit.

No, it was a little upsetting.

I got the,

it was like a skillet cookie, cookie, and it was as if they put so much sugar in the fucking cookie that I just like simply couldn't eat it.

But I do love the southwestern egg rolls.

Those are always a win.

Their apps are really fun.

And I also will say, I think, I think one thing I like about chilies is I think they have more signature dishes.

Yeah.

Like Applebee's has like the riblets, which I've, I like, whatever.

I don't, I don't need the riblets.

They have a quesadilla salad, which I almost got, but I was like kind of like very familiar with it.

So I was like, I don't know if I need to get this again.

I got the quesadilla burger, which is pretty distinct, but they don't have a lot of like, oh yeah, that's the thing I go to Applebee's for.

I feel like it's more about like the cocktails.

Yes.

The quesadilla burger was fun.

Wow, I like the quesadilla burger.

I like it quite a bit.

It was fun.

I thought it was a good thing.

But the way you tried to eat it really upset me.

You forgot the bottom part of it.

I forgot the bottom part of it.

And you were just like, like, you were fingering meat.

Like, I really hated it.

I was like, please pick that up.

I hated it so much.

I was not fingering meat.

You were fingering meat.

I was not fingering meat.

Ew, well, don't do all that.

I was doing air quotes.

I don't know.

I was not.

You and I was not fingering me.

No, I was not doing that.

I was not fingering me.

I don't.

I don't do that.

Sorry, you picked it up and I like watched your hand move a little.

You were fingering me.

I do not do that in genital.

No, I don't do that.

I don't.

I don't do that stuff, man.

I'll never finger the meat.

That's.

I've touched a female genitalia before.

Yeah, dude.

Hell yeah.

My guy.

Of course you react to that because it's the most alien thing I've said.

I love that you answered a question that nobody had.

Well,

I, I, I, okay.

The, the quesadilla was such a, it was a, it was a little bit mushy.

And it's now, if you like it, dry, guys, this thing was the opposite.

Yes.

One half of it was just a mess and it had like lettuce, tomato, whatever on there.

And describe to people who are maybe are familiar with it.

It's basically in lieu of buns, it uses quesadilla.

Quesadilla.

Yes.

So that's the quesadilla component.

And so I picked up the other half fell off, but I kind of liked, see, this is weird because I kind of liked the dry guy in this scenario.

Yes.

Like when it was just kind of that cheesy quesadilla with burger on it, I was like, oh, I like this more.

The sogginess of the other half, not as much of a fan of that.

It was like, I don't think this is a place where stuff is aggressively seasoned, which is the thing you were saying earlier.

So like the volume of cheese, I think, is really helpful with that burger just in terms of plussing up the flavor.

However, the cheese was a real issue with the four cheese mac and and cheese with the honey pepper chicken tenders.

Let me read the menu description so people know what we

intended to be, sir.

It was made with hate.

It felt like.

A sweet and savory four cheese penne mac and cheese topped with applewood smoked bacon and crispy chicken tenders tossed in honey pepper sauce, served with a signature breadstick.

So we just ordered this for the table.

We ordered this for the table.

Now

you were just so you were like, well, I'll just get it for the table, for the table.

This lady did not give a shit.

Yeah.

You're like, for the table.

And she's like, sir, you could literally put this in your asshole and i don't care did you hear my stomach rumbling no no you didn't hear it no do you need more cheese i i do need a slice of cheese um

i looks we'll get our fork scores we can take a break and then we can we can get more cheese the the fat guy came out of me a little bit with with relax i know that we're tight on time the the fat guy came out of me a little bit and was like

was like

This is for the table.

I don't want you to think I'm getting two entrees.

Here's the thing.

Lean into it.

Sometimes I do order two entrees, and I'll tell them this is both for me.

I might take it home.

I might eat all of it.

You see?

I love that.

That's

hell.

See?

Why not?

Live your life.

Have fun.

Who cares what people think about you?

Do you think she went home and was like, oh, this big old man ordered two entrees and kept saying for the table?

And I didn't believe him.

She probably more was like, I saw a guy get electrocuted and burnt little sparks.

Mike, I really ordered.

Can you do a little spark?

Oh, this is so much work.

Can you do that?

Can you do that?

Wait, I shouldn't do it.

I just have to hiccup, right?

And then he'll do it.

You can make the noise.

You can make the sound effect.

Hiccup.

Is that how you hiccup?

You say hiccup?

That's how everyone hiccups, no?

Hiccup.

Hiccup.

Hiccup.

Hiccup.

Hiccup.

Hiccup.

Sneeze.

Sneeze.

And not at you.

The classic sound.

Sneeze.

Cheese.

Bar.

Dude.

Oh, sorry.

That was a long one.

Yeah, that was fucking long as hell.

Wages and I had tummy troubles.

We did.

It did not impact me well from a gastrointestinal standpoint.

I was in a little bit of distress last night and certainly this morning.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

God bless.

I was fine.

Well, I'm glad to hear that.

I think it's my body likes Applebee's.

Yeah, it could be that.

I also think that my body at my age does not take sugar well.

And that brings us to the desserts, which were super, super sweet.

Though I guess we should say what was happening with the mac and cheese more specifically.

The tenders themselves not bad.

The tenders weren't bad on them on their own.

The tenders with the mac and cheese made no sense.

No.

It was a sweet and savory mix that had, was a complete disconnect.

And then the mac and cheese itself was some of the worst tasting mac and cheese I've ever had in my life.

It's like they missed the savory part and tried to make it all sweet.

I don't know.

It's disgusting.

It's like it's more like macaroni salad flavor than mac and cheese flavor.

It's like they dumped liquid smoke into it as well.

It has like a little bit of a smoky carrot.

There's too much bacon stuff going on.

And I said this, and I stand by this.

If you made just some cheesy mac and cheese, a plate of mac and cheese, and put chicken tenders on it.

Yes, right.

It would be so good.

That's like a cafeteria dress.

Anyone would love that.

It's great.

Why the fuck don't you do that?

And they did it in just such a weird, backwards way.

Here's the thing.

They added too many components to the mac and cheese.

They added unnecessary sauce to the chicken tendees.

This is a classic example, Mitch, of unga macapachka.

Ungapachka.

Get out of here.

Ungapachka.

Ungapachka.

Ungapachka.

Okay, get rid of

one thing too many.

Yes.

I usually don't send shit back, but when I did order that, I did send it back.

They were like, how is everything?

I was like, disgusting.

You have to take this away.

If that was my entree, I would not have like, I would just have been hungry or I would have ordered.

No, I was like, I need a burger.

Please

end my suffering.

I honestly think it's a challenge.

Anyone.

I need to know if anyone likes that dish.

I've been on the menu for years.

There's no way people.

That's it's so good.

Maybe the little kid who just is not even like has the fucking little dummy.

I don't know.

I'm an idiot.

I can't imagine a person with a normal palate enjoying.

You think the Rizzler likes that shit?

I don't know.

I think so.

The Rizzler's given that one boom.

No.

Or Doom.

I think he's given it negative booms.

Wow.

Doom.

Doom.

The Cinnabon Mini Swirls and the Triple Chocolate Meltdown.

We got a couple of desserts.

The Cinnabons,

they're like mini Cinnabons.

And then there's the Triple Chocolate as a classic lava cake with some vanilla.

Which was odd tasting.

At first bite, it was like, this sucks.

It's like a little dry.

You got gotta get to the lava to and the chocolate tastes really like the lava thing and then the lava made all the difference the lava was it was night and day when you got those lava bites the lava was huge

once the lava

once the lava was flowing it was great i thought that was totally serviceable you dipped into the cinnabons and then you looked at the icing and you went some cummy icing yes you said this

you said this very much as like an assignment like we barely heard you say it yeah it was like a whisper it was like this

some cummy icing it's like That's how.

And we were like,

and it was so funny.

I did.

Look, I did say it was cummy icing, kind of to myself.

And we were like, we heard you say that.

But it was, it was cummy icing.

Yes.

It kind of had that sort of like, you know, it looks like a pong character gunked up in the kitchen backyard.

And I thought the icing was quite flavorful.

I, I really like this.

I thought these Cinnabon mini swirls were so fun.

They were kind of like two bites a piece.

You give it a good dip, get a good bite, and maybe get a non-Cinnabon bond or a non-non-gunked up bite.

And then also, like, the thing I discovered because we had two desserts is

you get a little ice cream, a little vanilla ice cream on that Cinnabon.

That's no problem at all.

Next time I go, that's what I'm getting.

I'm going to get the little Cinnabons and I'm going to get vanilla ice cream on top.

I'm going to mush it all up and I'm going to eat it.

Oh, you'd be in heaven.

That dessert was great.

And the lava cake was fine.

All right, we got to get to our fork scores on Applebee's, unless there's any other thoughts, anything we missed.

I think that's everything.

All gunked up.

Don't know what to to do.

It's a little 311 parody.

It's great.

Really good.

I don't know the original song.

Did you hear?

Yeah, that really sounded like the wind or something.

That was really wild.

It sounded like the wind or something.

Now you're wondering why I try to take little snacks.

Sounded like a wind, like a gust of wind, like you're in a wind tunnel.

Yeah.

That sounds

my tummy.

My tummy.

Wait, Emma, did you hear that?

I didn't hear that one, but it's possible if you heard it, the mic picked it up.

We can put that one into the episode.

If it was there, I will turn up the mic.

Okay, great.

Yes.

What is that 311 song?

Oh, I don't know.

You're the one who sang the parody.

I don't know.

All gunked up.

Yeah, all gunked up.

What is the song?

Don't know what to do.

Is it all fucked up or something?

Or all messed up?

All mixed up.

That's what it is.

I don't know 311.

Oh, they're great.

Oh, my God.

That was loud.

That's what I heard.

Okay.

No judgment.

No judgment.

No judgment.

And then you're laughing.

And he said,

and then he said, that was loud.

I simply, your body is a wonderland.

That was a wild.

I'm hung.

I'm hungry.

I know.

Get more cheese in you.

Oh, now you have no problem with me getting the.

We'll do our fork scores.

We'll take a quick break.

okay so uh what do we gotta do go slam a sub or something i don't know so you get yourself a little bit more substantial of a snack yeah really

i'm fine i'm eating these okay great

Nicole, you know the podcast before.

You know how this works.

We are each going to go around, give our final thoughts on Applebees and you know what real?

Can I just real quickly say what really helps is like when you're when your stomach is growling?

A nut.

Any sort of nut helps.

Interesting.

Like an almond?

I don't know what it is.

They tend to be high protein, and so they're very filling.

So your body is looking for protein.

Nicole, we'll say our final thoughts on it and give it a score from zero to five forks based on this visit and all of your Applebee's experience.

Your thoughts, your fork score for Applebee's.

I love Applebee's.

I'm very nostalgic for Applebee's.

It makes me happy.

I love going there.

I love the atmosphere.

When I am out of town touring, I'll hit up an Applebee's.

I love it.

I think I'm going to give it four forks.

I know, which is really high.

But I think my nostalgia, I like a dry burger.

I love those little Cinnabon things.

I'm already planning my return so I can modify it the way I want.

Well, we'd love to come with you.

Well, I'll come at least.

Sound off, he'll come.

I'll come.

I had a great time.

Yay.

A lot of we're invited, but we're invited.

We're coming.

That's fun.

I know.

I know your fork score is going to be lower, and I understand.

But I respect the four forks.

Mitch, your thoughts, your fork score.

I don't know if I've ever been to one.

This is maybe my first visit to an Applebee's.

There's something in your beard.

Is it cheese?

No, but you got it.

You got it, yeah.

It might have been cheese.

It might have been something from the.

I don't think it was a cheese.

No, I think it might have been like the shell of the nut.

Oh, it might have been the shell of the nut.

Whatever.

What is it called?

The little.

No, you were right.

Yeah.

You laughed.

I don't know.

I was just saying.

Am I wrong?

Do No nut components?

I don't.

There's the peanut has like the shell, but then there's like the lining on top of it.

It's in your shirt.

What is it?

That's what it was.

I assumed you were laughing at the nut in your beard of it all.

Okay.

Yeah, what is that?

Okay, we have two different things here.

Great.

Oh, there's a little Wally hair there as well.

So this is, you are right that this is an almond like shell, basically, a little almond skin.

Skin, that's when you get

a little peanut skin.

And this, now, on the other hand, this is a little craziness bit.

Okay, sure.

So there were two different things on me.

Wow.

Very interesting.

Here they are on my fingers.

Very interesting.

Very interesting.

Two different little

pieces of garbage on me.

Wow.

So

do you want to wipe it somewhere?

Do a napkin?

Nope.

Use them jeans.

The old jeans.

The old jeans.

Just put the garments below.

That'll be fine when

Adam Conover comes in here and has a nut allergy.

Actually, I have a nut allergy.

Oops.

His hair gets higher.

His hair gets higher.

You're ruining things for him.

Yeah, he swelled up.

He needs better drill and then it goes back down.

I

had a blast.

Just like today, I was striking out left and right on this podcast.

I think I've turned it around.

You're doing great.

You're doing wonderful.

Don't do that.

I had a blast at this dinner.

It was great to see you.

It was great to hang with you, Wags, always.

Awesome.

Two of the funniest people in the world.

Come on now.

It's the truth.

Thank you.

From the Cooper days on, I knew.

Well, I knew you before Cooper, but still.

Yeah.

But we didn't get close until Cooper.

We didn't get close until Cooper.

I had a blast.

I thought the food was sub par.

Not, not, not sub.

If I had just gotten that mac and cheese dish, I would have, this would have gotten like one and a half forks.

That's a one for me.

Oh, I think that's a negative fucking fork.

Horrible, horrible dish.

Everything else is like around, it's like, it hovers like from two and a half to three forks.

Okay.

I'm going to go 2.6.

You know what?

I had such a good time.

I'm giving it three forks.

I think you're going to go there.

You're going to have a good time.

The drinks are good.

If you get that appetizer platter, I think you can have a three-fork experience here.

Yeah.

I'm probably being a little bit kind to it, though.

Wags, what are your thoughts?

But that's okay.

I think it's fine to be a little bit kind to it because I think that reflects the experience you had.

And I think that's mostly the experience I had.

Before I get to my fork score, Emma, my understanding is that you have an incident in Applebee's where you had a panic attack.

Is that correct?

Yes.

The first time I ever wakened baked smoked weed right out of bed was with my sister in high school.

And then we went to Applebee's.

And I got too high while sitting in the Applebee's.

And I had to leave and have a panic attack in my car.

Oh, no.

But my sister brought me, came out afterwards and was like, are you okay?

I had them rep your salad for you.

So I still got to eat my Applebee's, which was great.

There you go.

I don't recommend getting too high in an Applebee's, but going to Applebee's high.

A plus.

That's a pro tip.

I love that you ordered a salad when you were stoned.

They used to have this salad that I loved.

It was like, I wish I could remember it.

It had like crispy chicken on it, and it was like

a stone salad thing.

I like it.

Any sort of salad when stone, I'm just like, what are you doing?

It had like creamy dry.

It was like one of those salads that was barely a salad.

Yeah.

It had like tortilla strips and stuff in it.

It was like

a panic attack.

It might have been.

Like the crispy Oriental salad?

Yeah, it might be like a kind of a salad.

But they still got it, maybe.

They still got it.

It was on the menu yesterday.

Damn it, I should have gone.

Yeah, I mean, like this thing, that quesadilla salad I mentioned earlier.

It's like barely a salad.

It's an indulgent meal.

Yeah, it is.

Thinking back on it, I am surprised that my stoned ass at 11 a.m.

was like, oh,

I have a salad, please.

I was trying to be responsible and then I was panicking in my cart.

But you overall, are you overall an Applebee's fan?

Yeah, we...

I was saying this earlier.

There was an Applebee's in Epping, New Hampshire that we used to go to for like cast parties and stuff

for theater.

And there would be like 20 of us.

I'm sure we were so annoying.

We probably were like three things and were obnoxious.

We probably had 25 Shirley Temples, but we used to go there all the time, and it was a place we would go like get drinks when I was in college, just like meet up when we were home for the weekend or whatever, because it's like cheap and easy, and you can always sit at that bar for hours.

And yeah, so we used to go there.

I know that you in high school had the same order as why.

I know, we're getting the same thing.

It's having fun.

I'm also drinking a Shirley Temple.

Mind if I sit down?

Mind if I join you guys?

Is yours the rock and poppin' Shirley?

So

I think what Emma's experience speaks to, this is like a neighborhood hangout, and that's the Applebee's thing, eating good in the neighborhood.

That's the whole, like, you know, that's, that's, that's our purpose of.

Are you eating good in the neighborhood?

That's the question, Mitch, because I don't think a lot of these, these meal components I thought were either fine to bad.

I didn't, I wasn't particularly enthusiastic about the nachos.

The four cheese, mac and cheese with honey, pepper, chicken tender sucked.

The quesadilla burger was good and the classic combo was pretty good.

One of the desserts was fine and one of it was pretty good.

One of them was pretty good.

And I did think by Shirley Temple was a lot of fun.

And I think where all that lands in a totality,

in totality, is where the Spoon Man is.

I think we're in the hand-holding club here.

I think this is a three-fork chain.

I think Applebee's is accomplishing what it's attempting to do.

I think it's a place where you hang out.

You can sit at your table for a little too long.

You can have some drinks.

You can have some perfectly fine bar food.

And you can have a great time, which I did last night.

Three forks for Applebee's.

You know what?

I didn't know what...

In the chilies, you're in the chilies.

And it's

the chilies.

Applebee's just kind of plain inside.

I want them more trinkets or something.

It has a little bit more of a neutral identity versus like a TGI Friday.

Yes.

Give me some trinkets.

And also.

Give me some trinkets.

Give me some trinkets.

I want the trinkets.

I want some stuff on the wall.

Give me a gator head.

Well, I'm not that sort of not like that.

But like I'm saying.

Well, you don't want one of them popping out of your toilet.

You don't want that.

But you want a gator, like a gator with some sunglasses on or something.

That's fine.

Okay.

Like something like that would be so specific.

Do you want a gator with sunglasses on

in the Applebee's?

In the Applebee's.

Yeah, that's what you want.

I'm sure if you went to Gainesville, Florida, they'd probably have that.

I mean,

look, they just needed more trinkets.

Whether it's a gator with sunglasses on, what were you going to say about Gator with sunglasses on?

I was just going to say, like, you know, if you go back to Applebee's and they have a Gator with sunglasses on you're like hey they took the note i mean

i don't like that here's a note we listened to the doughboys we added gators with sunglasses on all our locations here's another note yeah when we were leaving they

I mean, it was at the end of our dinner, but they just opened the door to see.

They sure did.

They did.

They just opened the door.

It was cold.

It was cold shit.

It was cold as shit.

And there were just blowing up.

It was like people hadn't even gotten their food in the restaurant.

There was like people who were still sitting there and eating it.

And I think they had it closed for another hour.

They were just like doing all their side work cleaning up.

And look, which is fine.

It's not.

I get not wanting to be in a job and also like it is not an easy job and people are assholes.

I get that side of it.

But it was just funny to open up a door and have freezing cold wind blowing into the restaurant.

And we were like, all right, let's go.

I mean, reflect on our experience.

And also, they do have the pay by the Ziosk thing, which Harkins.

I was just like surprised to see that that system is still there.

They pay for by the little tablet.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

The tablet was was interesting because you could order apps, uh, dessert, play a game, or pay your bill.

But if you wanted your like main dinner, you had to flag down the waitress.

Yeah, this is this goes back to Doughboy's episode one, our very first episode when they had those at Chili's, and it was a whole rigamarole there.

And the waiter there was basically like, yeah, this thing's gonna put me out of a job.

Thankfully, that didn't happen.

Thankfully, we still have servers.

I also look, I think it would be annoying to be like, hey, can you close the door?

I wouldn't do that either.

I'm just saying there is like a way that you could have done that without having the door open and not being there for like 10 minutes.

I agree.

It did feel like there was a little bit of

either obliviousness

or, you know, just dismissiveness towards the customer side per bit.

Nobody working was over the age of 25.

Exactly, which I completely understand.

Like, like, whatever, but it did affect our experience.

I had a lovely conversation with a man outside while you were waiting for the bathroom.

I saw that.

I went to the bathroom for 30 seconds, and I managed to come back and see you talking with another fucking weirdo.

He was a guy.

He was a guy who was hanging outside the Applebee's and he talked to me about language for a while, which was interesting.

What did he say?

What was his hot take?

He studied German and he said like he talked about just how other languages speak sound to our ear.

And it's basically like, you know, if you hear, if you're not an English speaker and you hear English, it kind of sounds like what German sounds like to us.

Oh, interesting.

And I came out and I was like, all right, which one of you two weirdos am I walking to my car with?

I don't give a shit, but one of you I got to leave with.

A lovely convo.

One of you I have to leave with.

I got to go home.

And we saw a poster for Kyle Movies movie, Y2K.

Check it out in theaters.

Yeah.

Did you want to take a break or do you want to?

No, I don't care.

Keep going.

All right.

Did that step on the promo?

We saw a poster for Y2K.

Was it a Regal cinema?

That's right.

A Regal cinema.

Kyle Movies movie.

Go check out Y2K.

Are you saying Kyle Movie?

Kyle Mooney, but it is a Kyle movie.

It sounded like you said Kyle Movie.

Kyle Mooney.

movie.

Kyle Mooney's movie.

Kyle Movie.

Kyle Mooney's movie.

Kyle Mooney's movie movie.

Kyle Mooney's movie.

Who?

Kyle Movie.

Kyle Movies.

Kyle Movies.

This publicist probably talked to him about this.

Kyle Mooney's movie.

Hey, can you?

I don't know if you'd make directing movies a great idea because your name is Kyle Mooney.

We're starting to say Kyle Movie.

But I really care about this.

All right.

Publicists sat him down to talk to them.

I'm very excited to see it.

I'm excited to see you.

All right.

It's time for us to say, but we are going to peruse some food-themed dating profiles and decide if we'll swipe left or right.

This

is Binge.

All right, ready.

Oh, yes.

Oh, my God.

All right.

So this is Binge as opposed to Hinge.

These were compiled by Amelia Mourino, our associate producer.

First up is, and what we are seeing for our listeners, we are seeing a doctored dating profile for the site Binge, a photo of a foodstuff, and then some text that is their name and description.

It says three hours old?

So this is this is, bit.

Yeah, this is this first one is Roni.

This looks like a plate of macaroni and cheese.

It says three hours old, straight.

I don't know what that notes are.

Not sure about babies.

Babies.

And smokes.

Sometimes.

And sometimes.

My simple pleasures, crispy onions, hot tubs, the sound I make when you stir me.

So is that more of a disgusting?

Is that more of a mac salad?

What is it?

I think it's macaroni.

You know, that's when you make macaroni and cheese and you stir it.

You make through.

Got it.

It's like really

good to roni is that like it this is like a situation where i'm like oh you remind me of my ex which is that mac and cheese last night

it does remind me of the mac and cheese from last night and i'm also afraid of it i liked baked mac and cheese i don't want the i don't want it this gooey

interesting

because it's kind of pretty gooey

because it looks like it has like crispy top but is it a part of it is that like what is that exactly like was that in the broiler or is that just some seasoning that's been put on top of it i feel like it's seasoning that's been put on top of it

i like a gooey Mac.

I like a gooey Mac.

This to me, the smoke sometimes, here's the thing is like, if I met up with Roni, if we went on a date, I'd be like, you got to stop smoking because I don't like smoked mac and cheese.

I don't like that smoky, fake chemical flavor.

That was revolting.

So a part of me is like, sometimes.

But you'll get the real smoke if they smoke.

Well,

this is the complicated thing with binge.

We don't really get what the fuck any of this means.

But if it's a smoked macaroni and if there's smoke in that macaroni and cheese, I'm not going to want to hang out with it.

I'm not going to want to go on a second date.

My big issue.

Is it three hours old?

That's what I was going to say.

That's my big issue here is the age.

Three hours old?

You can nuke that, though.

You can nuke it, but I'm like,

if I'm going to commit to the calories and the intestinal distress of macaroni and cheese, I want that like hot out of the of.

All right, so we're swiping left.

I'm swiping left and left.

Is left the bad one?

Yes.

Left is no.

We're swiping left.

This is binge based on hinge.

Do you swipe away or do you just go, no?

I don't remember.

I've never switched sworn.

We can say you swipe.

Let's just say you swipe.

Let's say we'll swipe.

Okay, swipe left.

Goodbye.

We're swiping left.

All right, next up is Meryl.

Meryl looks like it's a can of cranberry sauce.

Yeah.

It has been invented.

It is cranberry sauce.

Yes, it is.

It's two years old.

Decanned.

Decanned for canned canned.

It was decanned at two years.

I was two years old.

It can't be.

Yeah.

Has a six-inch hog.

It is a Virgo and is a long-term.

That's really funny that you were like six-inch hog as opposed to it's just six inches tall.

Oh, right.

That's the ruler's not hog.

Your height, yeah, the size of your dick.

Although, I'm sure you could put that in your post.

Which, by the way, six inches tall, that's fucking six inches big as hell.

You're doing all right.

Is hell?

No, six inches is big as hell.

Oh, big as hell.

That's fucking huge.

Yes, we're still talking about how tiny your dick is.

And

I simply don't believe it.

And the girth on that thing is actually out of control.

That is too big.

It is pretty good today.

What does it say below it?

Two truth and and a lie yeah two truths and a lie i can prevent utis i was dropped on my head as a baby my favorite food is eggs the lie is my favorite food is eggs gotta be i i think i'd fuck with this i think i'm into the i like i like the cranberry sauce out of a can and i think

i think i think got a good sense of humor some self-awareness i'm gonna say no just just not your type well my grandpa loves canned cranberry sauce and i don't want to think about my grandpa when i'm with something i'm sure yeah i get that For some people, some people don't mind that.

Some people like that.

But for

me, Meryl just seems fun.

And also, like, you're like, oh, yeah,

you did get dropped on your head as a baby.

We can see that.

And then I'm like, is Meryl lying?

Was Meryl out last night and get fucking boned?

Oh, yeah.

You know?

Jesus.

I don't want slutty Meryl.

I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to go on a date with Meryl.

Okay.

Like, look,

I don't know if I would want all Meryl, and this means I wouldn't want that whole can of cranberry sauce in one sitting.

You may be different story.

You might be would eat the whole thing.

No, I think I'd take my time with it.

Yeah.

You like truly sound like my grandpa.

Like, he loves cranberry sauce.

And on his birthday, he accidentally left it in the refrigerator and was devastated.

Oh, man.

He decanned it and put it back in the fridge and forgot about it.

Oh, boy.

And what happened to just go down?

And it just like.

Did it go down?

What?

Because if you cook it in the fridge, it's okay, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, did it like go down?

No, you just forgot about it.

That will never lose its shape.

Yeah, it can get hot and it's not gonna lose.

He forgot about it for lunch.

He forgot it.

No, no, he forgot about it for dinner, but he had it the next day.

Oh, okay, okay.

Oh, that sucks.

Yeah.

Man, that is, that's maybe the worst thing is when you just forget a thing that's ready to eat and you're like, fuck, I fucking forgot this one thing.

It's a bummer.

All right, Nicole is swiping left.

We're swiping right.

Let's go on to the next one.

Pinkford.

Pinkford looks like an old sandwich.

Is that a Jimmy John sandwich?

It's a Jimmy John sandwich, but instead of bread, it's pickles.

Oh, I couldn't pick up on that.

Nicole's nightmare.

Got it.

So this is

a Jimmy John sub.

Looks like, you know, all I know is that I took

a bread.

I think it's a fair thing, yes.

Yeah, absolutely.

I know you would.

I think all of our viewers on YouTube will understand that, yes, of course, I would have sex with that.

It looks fuckable if you got a hog.

It is Pinkford, who is 15 minutes old.

Pinkford.

Packing 10 inches, is a moderate, a Scorpio, and

a guest on drinks.

Moderate?

All I ask is that you aren't married.

All right.

Well, you know, I like that.

I like that upfrontness with Pinkford.

Pinkford seems like a strange,

an odd bird.

Here's the thing.

No disrespect to Pinkford.

Make the choices you want to make.

I'm going to swipe left because that's just, this just isn't going to be compatible with me.

I don't want to eat a sandwich that has pickles for buns.

I like pickles, but I don't want the pickles as buns.

This is sick.

Will I secretly go out on a date with Pinkford?

Yes.

So you're going to date Pinkford, but not introduce Pinkford to your friends?

Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to introduce Pinkford to anyone.

And then people are like, people will be like,

did you hook up with Pinkford?

I'm like, yeah, we hooked up.

Oh, poor Pinkford.

Look, maybe Pinkford's down for that too.

I'm going to do it in a gentlemanly way, for for God's sakes.

I don't know.

Pinkford can't get anything from me.

This is disgusting.

The pickles are sick.

The cold cheese is sick.

This is nasty.

Maybe Pinkford meets my mom at some point, too.

Who knows?

You're going to introduce Pinkford to your mother?

And then my mom was like, that was a weird one.

She'll say that at some point.

Remember her?

That was a weird one.

That was so funny.

Pinkford.

I might secretly swipe right, but I'm not going to tell you guys.

So we'll say left.

For the point of this exercise, we'll say left.

Let's look at the next one.

Yes.

This is Shake.

Okay, so I believe these are the Shaq gummies.

Yes, they're the Shaq gummies from 7-Eleven.

Have you had them?

I have not had them yet.

They're bad.

Apodaka had them.

They're three days old.

They were right, but they are very big.

Yeah, these are like, and they're like palm size.

These are fucking huge.

Their hog is only one inch, so on par with Mitch.

They're called Shake, five days old, non-monogamy, practicing.

And yeah, like, like, like, has a dog.

You're not cool.

You should not go out with me if you're not cool with my two friends tagging along.

See above.

So which one is Shake?

Is Shake the one in the middle?

You know, that's a good question.

This is maybe a little bit more.

Well, that's the thing about hinges sometimes.

You know, you can't figure out who.

There's a bunch of people in it.

It's like, I don't know which one is you.

Yeah.

I feel like that's like a mislead.

Yes, but I do think Shake is the blue one.

Sure.

I like Shake being the blue one.

And I think his two friends are twins.

They're fraternal.

Oh, I can see that.

Yeah, because there's a blue one.

There's an orange one and a red one for audio listeners.

If it's a blue one, I'm definitely swiping right because that reminds me of the Navi from Avatar.

Or the Blue Man group.

I love the Navi.

Wait, do you love Avatar?

We love Avatar.

Did you like the sequel?

Yeah, we love the Way of Water.

Oh.

Same.

Yeah.

Some people were like, it's too long.

And I was like, it wasn't long enough.

I love that there was no story at times and they were just swimming.

They're just swimming.

It was so naive.

I believe we've actually talked about Way of Water, the three of us before.

Previously.

I think we have because we all had the shared enthusiasm for it.

It's great.

It's so wonderful.

It came out the same year as the whale, a better whale movie.

A better whale movie.

Yeah, that whale did poetry.

Yeah.

When Payakan comes up and saves the day,

it moved me to tears.

I also cried.

It was

moving.

Wise, I think that guy had, I was holding a newspaper that said good train, which I thought you would be interested in.

You like trains?

I love trains.

Come on.

Does he like trains?

You got to ask him that question.

Look at the guy.

In South Africa, there is a train company called Rovos Rail, and you can take it just like up the continent.

And we went from South Africa to Zambia/slash/Zimbabwe.

You would have a really nice time on that.

Oh, because it's for the trip.

It's pretty fancy.

You don't have any service.

So, like, you kind of have to just enjoy being on the train.

But before you leave, the man who owns it takes you on a tour of like the train yard and talks to you about how they

take old train cars and redo them, and how he imports like the carpets and stuff and how they rebuild them it was i was like not for me but a certain person would really love hearing all of this

here's the thing he he'll never cross an ocean i have never i've never crossed an ocean but that sounds fascinating you've never crossed an ocean no i haven't even been to like europe no

do you want to i don't know i don't i the the plane ride i'm not crazy about Do you know about Xanax?

Yeah, I know about Xanax.

Would you ever take a Xani and then wake up I get I don't know it's it's like a whole thing is this is a whole thing this is basically we're treating him like one of the chimps from chimp crazy

I'm I'm I that that sounds fascinating when did you go on this trip um last uh new year's wow yeah how long does it take we were on the train for four or five days and maybe four days

you basically traversed the continent south to north well no no no no that would take so long this was just south, maybe up through like

we didn't even make it to like the middle of Africa.

Okay, got it.

Zambia and Zimbabwe are, they're not super far from South Africa.

Got it.

Did you see animals on the ride?

Yeah.

That

ride.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

I'm going to swipe right on Shake, just because more because I like the food.

If you're putting this into the dating terms, it is weird.

But then I was maybe like, maybe this will be fun to hang out with this person.

I'm a little concerned that this gummy person has a dog and it's going to end up like a hairy gummy.

Oh, yeah,

that could be a whole thing.

That's a great.

I'm going to swipe right anyway.

You know, I tend to say that gummy ain't yummy, but I like Shake's attitude.

And also,

because

all three look identical.

Yeah.

The gummy ain't yummy got me good.

Woo-wee, that got me.

I just realized that Shake is also supposed to be like Shaq.

I didn't even realize that until bad.

I got it because of Shake Shaq.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was fun.

But whatever, whatever color Shake happens to be, I'm fine with it.

Let's go to the next one.

All right.

Ethan is a mozzarella stick.

It is fresh.

Age is fresh.

It is liberal.

It is looking for short-term relationships and lives in Silverlake.

How about that?

Interesting.

My greatest strength, massages, making coffee, buying you anything you want.

So it seems like a kind of a sugar dash.

Is this my hinge profile?

Jesus, you know.

Is that you?

It might be me.

I 100% am swiping right now.

Yeah, 100%.

She's a no-brainer.

Ethan, oh my God.

Oh my God, I'm already coming.

All right.

Also, just gotta, yeah, just

this looks disgusting.

Uh, Beatrice is a bowl of clam chowder that looks very old.

It says, old enough to be your mother, a Libra, not vaccinated.

Funny.

Pills sometimes.

Pills sometimes.

What if I told you that the clam's not fresh, but my mouth sure is?

Yo, Beatrice is funny, Beatrice is funny.

That would be funky.

Yeah, I'm not, I'm staying away from Beatrice.

This is not funny.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm not gonna secretly swipe right on Beatrice either.

That's no, Mitch.

What are you okay?

The way you wiped your eye, oh,

I got something in my eye.

I think I got, I think I gotta go, that almond shell in my eye.

Um, when you do that, you look like a big baby,

That was funny.

That got me good.

Beatrice, I maybe would swipe right on Beatrice.

The old thing is a little.

Maybe I would swipe left, but I'm like thinking about it.

I don't.

I think that looks disgusting.

And it looks like, also, it looks like it might get me sick.

All right, swipe.

We're swipeing on a swipe.

There's a line in a song.

I can't remember what it is, but it says,

you funky bitch, you left your pussy in the bathroom.

And it's just talking about like a funky smelling pussy.

Beatrice has a funky smelling pussy.

Is that really what?

It says the clam's not fresh.

Yeah, right.

And I just can't deal with that.

Yeah.

I don't want a stinky puss.

No, I know that's a good one.

That's not a pussy friend.

That was the Benny Goodman Big Band.

All right, let's go to the next one.

That's it.

That's the end of it.

Oh, that's the last one.

Wow.

Wow.

We only wanted one person.

I think that that's good.

That's good.

I think that's helpful.

It should be.

Yeah.

It reminds me of, I was singing Long December to start this episode, but it was funny.

You know how he's like, a lot of oysters, but no pearls.

You know, in that song?

You know what I'm talking about?

I don't think so.

Oh, fuck this.

Does anyone know that song?

I just know the part that goes Long December.

Yeah, no one knows.

He just knows the Long December.

Yeah, I don't know.

Then who cares?

But I was saying oysters are like

oysters are good is what I was saying.

I love oysters.

Oh my God.

Can I also just say this?

Snip, snip, snip.

Oysters are good.

Oysters are good.

Wait, have you guys reviewed Shake Shack?

We have reviewed Shake Shack a couple of times.

Have you ever found a pearl in an oyster before?

No.

At a restaurant?

Have you?

I have, yes.

And what did you do to it?

No.

Oysters.

Yeah.

I think it's in clams.

No, it's oysters.

I think you ate something bad.

No,

I found a pearl in an oyster.

How big was it?

Fucking small.

Fucking small.

What did you do with it?

Did you put on a necklace for your mom?

My mom took it, yeah.

Wow.

That's nice.

I didn't know you could just order oysters at a restaurant and find a pearl in them.

I don't think you're supposed to.

Yeah, you're not supposed to.

But

we were talking about Shake Shack.

Yeah.

I think you guys should review it again because they're going to serve it on Delta flights out of Boston.

So we were looking at that and we were

this is Mitch.

This is a thing we were texting with Carlson about is that we were trying to figure out how to review that.

Because like, like, I, I, is it a first-class only thing?

Like, how do you get it?

It is a first-class only thing.

So I'll fly Delta back from.

I'm 99% sure it would be a first-class thing.

We could try it.

Shit, yeah.

I mean, we actually, we i guess we could with doughboys we could pay for my flight from boston back to la first class with delta how are they going to that i just that the thing that means you for research you know yeah yeah yeah uh wait never mind uh no let's emma i'm down let's do how are they going to heat that some bitch is the thing because like i feel like it's not gonna have like like you can't just put a burger in a microwave and have that come out it's it's good it feels also those little ovens they do a trick they do they do but i don't know with the meat i think they can get the bun good but i'm worried about the burger about the the meat.

I feel like the meat's going to be a bit of a bad thing.

What a piece of shit that I'm trying to take money from the Doughboys company, but then when someone else wants it, I won't allow it to happen.

I just realized that's how I tried to get it.

You were trying to skip over it.

Yeah, I know, but I couldn't.

I brought it back.

I'm bad.

I'm a bad boy.

Let's try to be funny.

But, Emma, we should review it.

Sorry, Wags.

You're cutting me out of it?

You're going to fly to Boston and then fly back?

I don't know.

We'll figure something out.

If we're going to do it, we're going to be over there.

Hey, thanks.

All right.

Hey, just like a restaurant via feedback, let's open to the feedback.

Today's email is from Maddie in Columbus, Ohio.

Maddie writes, every so often I remember a tweet from Weiger back in 2018 reading, I think I shall become a Westernwear guy.

Wow.

And wonder what could have been.

Weiger, what happened?

To make this question more substantial, if you had to choose a different hat style to commit to other than your usual LA and Boston-based team caps, what would you choose?

E.g., cowboy hat, top hat, propeller hat.

My lovely husband and I both love the show.

Thanks for reading.

Thanks so much, Maddie.

Blast and pass.

I'd completely forgotten.

I tweeted that at a certain time.

Maddie, don't base your

wardrobe choices on something Weiger tweeted.

Six years ago.

I think what Maddie is saying, Jesus.

I think what Maddie is saying is that, because I've thought about doing, getting Westernwear, I wore a cowboy outfit for a sketch once on the Comedy Bang Bang TV show, and I loved how it looked in it.

I was like, I could be a Westernwear guy.

And then I just never pursued it.

I went out.

It's a whole different look, but i i kind of i i kind of want to try it at some point have you seen how you seen bruce brown on the the now on the toronto raptors have you seen how he dresses on the bench oh yeah he wears he wears he wears westernwear he looks incredible you can dress up on the bench yeah because what if they put you in well he if you're inactive if you're injured you're not going to be in the game let me see if we can find a pick that'd be really funny if they were like all right cowboy get on in i'm going to tell you a place where you'll love i gotta i gotta look though hold on one second here well because i got a ton of westernwear so if you ever need any tips wait do you really?

Yeah.

Because I feel like, because you're very fashionable.

I love your sense of style.

It's very specific to you.

I haven't seen you just bust out like the western wear, I feel like specifically in the studio, but this is a thing you wear sometimes?

I feel like I've seen you in Western wear.

You have this like crop top that's kind of western-y.

Oh, okay, okay.

I know Western shirts, but I like to, I like to cut them a little short.

I like that.

But oh, thank you.

Cole.

But I wear cowboy boots a lot.

I can't wear them in the studio because I got to like crawl around and like.

We should should do a Western wear episode.

Everybody dressed like a cowboy.

Oh my god.

Do it.

Um,

I went to yucca value.

There's Bruce Brown.

Looks great.

I think that will look nice on you.

It's a very subtle nod to Western wear.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, I think that would look really nice.

Oh, okay.

Maybe I'll give it a shot.

Yeah.

I think more men should explore style.

You should get a 10-gallon hat.

I guess more people.

I shouldn't exclude

other people.

Fuck it.

I don't know.

My, I rubbed off on you.

We were doing the same thing at the end here.

That's the problem.

It's the issue with having a podcast is you can say something that there's nothing wrong with, but then you start thinking, like, what's the bad faith way someone could take this?

Yep.

And then so you overcorrect and you end up sounding like you're

being weirdly defensive.

Here's another, here's another one.

That's a little bit more of an aggressive look with a sleeveless.

I can't do that.

I think that's nice.

And I think if you didn't want to do sleeveless, you could do like a short sleeve, but cut it a little bit and roll it.

Oh, okay i think that would look really nice i could be honest for you maybe i'll do it i don't think you should do this

i think i'm gonna just because you're scared to explore your style doesn't mean you should tell your friend not to do something i would look great as a cowboy i would look like a bad guy it would be great a bad guy i would look like one of the bad guys in a cowboy movie otherwise you should do it i think you'd be happy to do it you should try it Why the fuck not?

I could also see

you up.

You're like, don't do it.

Okay, whatever.

It's me and bad guys.

Have you guys seen Face Off?

Yeah, I love it.

I love Face Off.

It was an incredible, perfect film.

I just saw it for the first time.

What'd you think?

It's great.

It's so good, right?

It's so fun.

I think they should remake it.

Interesting.

With ladies.

Now, that's fun.

Lady Facebook.

I think it would be really fun.

Like, I just love that.

Is Lady Face Off fun?

I think so.

I think Lady Face Off fun.

And I would love to play the John Travolta character because that is so fucking funny.

All right.

Now I am on board.

If you're in this movie and it's you playing the John Travolta character, I want to.

I'm Lady Travolta playing Nicholas Cage, pretending to be John Travolta.

It's so fun.

Yeah.

I think Wager should do it.

You dress like a child a lot of the time anyway.

So I think, you know, replacing your spinny cap with a fucking cowboy cap

is not that bad of a choice.

I'll try it out at some point.

I had an idea for a movie, Kin to Face Off.

It was the same sort of premise, but it's dick off.

And it's like a guy with a big dick and a guy with a little small dick.

And they both get like their dicks blown off.

And the surgeons go to reattach them.

But the guy like does a dick swap, so he gets the big dick, and the other guy gets the small dick.

And the guy's just trying to get his dick back the whole time, and then both their lives completely changed.

Sounds like a future Doughboys double.

But there could be some other way to get into it.

I just thought, like, it's kind of like, you know, one guy would want to do it, but it could, it could be like the same sort of criminal setup.

You got to write it.

Maybe I will.

I think you should.

It'll be fun.

Yeah, you should write dick off.

I think you should.

I genuinely think it's very funny.

I think it is fun.

Don't get me wrong.

And I truly think if people played it committed, it would be even funnier.

Like, it wasn't like wacky or anything.

I was just like, I need my dick.

I need.

What is this little thing?

Seriously?

He's like, I'm going to take his dick off.

God, that's so funny.

You should do it.

You should write something.

I support you writing.

Yeah, maybe I'll write something at some point.

Or I'll think about writing something.

I'm not exploring clothing options.

I support him.

Yeah, I think you should do it.

I'm going to do, I'm going to do

clothing.

Yeah, I do bad with clothing.

You don't do bad.

I think you could do more fun.

I went to the Yucca Valley Film Festival where Matt Mazzani showed Big Brothers.

Hey, how cool was that?

Cranks to Mazzani.

Which you're in.

Which I'm in.

And you're great.

That's why I went.

Thanks, Washington.

That's nice.

And thank you for saying that.

But we were up there and you would love Yucca Valley.

There were a bunch of cowboys up there.

There were guys dressed as cowboys and like

young, new, like,

like,

like piercing cowboy.

You know what I mean?

Like, what kind of cowboys?

Young, new, piercing?

Young, new, pierced cowboys.

There are like,

these are modern cowboys.

Azumer cowboys.

Azumer cowboys.

How old are you, actually?

Young, new, piercing cowboys.

There were young, there was, I met like a lot of young, pierced cowboys.

There was one guy I'm thinking of specifically, but he was a character, and and he was like a young, like a young cowboy guy.

You would like it.

I'm sure I'd like it.

Yucca Valley.

Yucca Valley?

Yucca Valley.

I think it's Yucca Valley near Joshua Tree.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When I was in Boy Scouts,

because the yucca plant is very sharp.

And

one of the scout masters said, you know, they call it yucca because

you touch it, you go, yuck.

And then when you release it, you go, ah.

And I thought about this like, this joke doesn't work.

I was like 11.

I was like, this joke doesn't work.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

You don't say yuck when you're hurt.

No, you say ow.

Ah, afterwards.

It should be owah.

Yeah, it doesn't make sense.

I was pissed off about that.

This man was a predator.

Saying that to a child, when you get hurt, you go, yuck.

And then when you're not hurting him, you're like, ah, that man was sick as hell.

He might have been the predator.

Yeah, truly.

Go find him.

He's bad.

If you have a question or comment about the world of chain restaurants, you can email us at feedback at birdfuck.com or leave us a voicemail at 830-Godo.

That's 830-463-6844 and to get the doughboys double our weekly bonus episode plus our entire pre-2018 back catalog subscribe at patreon.com slash doughboys our producers emma eardbrinker associate producers emili marino our engineer is casey donahue and our video editor is mike dorfman wise yes before we wrap up i just want to say congrats to pamela hayden the voice of mill

out who's retiring from the simpsons oh that's she's very sweet to me i don't want to I just she's a very nice person to me and she would, and I'll say this because this is how nice she she was, but it's a personal thing.

Is that every year on the anniversary of my dad passing away, she would call me and talk to me.

That's really fucking she's really sweet.

And so, congratulations to Pamela.

That's all.

Yeah, yeah, that's all.

Can I say, real quick, please?

If there's anyone in Applebee's corporate, can you please bring back the Apple chimney cheesecake?

Maybe for like a limited time or something.

I agree with

Nicole.

I think, why not?

How did you say my name?

I agree with Nicole.

I thought you said Yoko.

It was the wildest way I've ever heard.

I agree with Nicole.

Sounded like you were having an anti-risk.

I think I got emotional a second ago, which I was insane, but it's the truth.

It's not insane.

That's really fucking sweet.

She's a very sweet person.

I've heard nothing but great things about her.

Because you love The Simpsons.

You were going to make some shitty joke, though.

I wasn't going to make a shitty joke.

Well, were you going to say something?

No.

Yes, I worked at The Simpsons.

She did not call me in Mill House's voice, which is the joke I made last night.

Yeah, she's great.

So congratulations, Pamela.

Nice one, nice.

Nicole Bayer, our guest, the funniest person in the world.

Why won't you date me as the podcast?

People should listen to it.

It's right here on Head Gump.

Anything you would like to plug right now?

Tell us about the podcast and any other plugs you got.

Tell you about the podcast.

What?

Is that what you said to me?

I don't know.

I just got so scared.

I don't know.

It's a podcast.

Dating.

It's fun.

You can listen to it.

I also have another podcast, 90-day Bay, about 90-day fiancé.

It's on Patreon.

And then me and Lauren Lapkiss have newcomers where we watch things that have been part of the zeitgeist for a long time that we haven't seen um and then best friends with sashira zemaid i have too many podcasts um yeah that's it i'd be talking wait when you did newcomers and and we did the batman master of the phantasm uh episode when you covered batman I love that movie.

I know, and I don't know how.

Anyway, but well, I don't know how you like Joker Folia, you do, but it's here we are.

We coexist.

Because it's feminist.

But you did, did you go to, did you get to the Joker movie when you did the Batman series?

You didn't.

Okay, so that's why you didn't watch it.

That's so funny.

Yeah, we just didn't watch it.

We watched something else instead.

I can't remember what.

Wow.

But you know what movie I did like?

What's that?

The new Batman movie with Robert Pattinson.

It was like three hours long and it could have been an hour longer.

Wow.

Man, I did.

I loved it.

I didn't like it.

I like the Batman.

You didn't like it.

What about the part when he's in Catwoman's apartment and she's got all those cats?

He goes, You have a lot of cats.

I screamed in theaters.

I loved it so much.

Well,

I may not agree with your movie taste, but you're one of the funniest people we're true.

Aw, thank you.

This was delightful.

I'm so frightened at Applebee's.

How funny was it too?

Hey, that'll do it for this episode of Doughboys.

Until next time, for the Spoon Man, Mike Mitchell, I'm Nick Weiger.

Happy Eating.

Put electric shocks coming off his thumbs.

Oh, that's better.

Hey, buddy, we got some new merch for the holidays from our buddies at Kinship Goods.

Wow.

We got hoodies, Wages.

We got sweatshirts.

Wow.

We got koozies.

That's right.

Number one clown ass dad koozies.

Yeah, that's right.

We got it.

You can give it to your dad for the holidays.

What a gift.

We got stickers, sticker sheets.

Bumper stickers.

Stickers.

Check all the out.

Stickers for you, stickers for your car.

And also, snowgators t-shirts.

That's right.

The bit, not even we like.

We made a shirt of it.

You want to think about those snow gators they got up north in the Toronto bayou.

Wait, what color are they?

Oh, those gators?

Oh, they're white.

Wow.

Wow.

Kinshipgoods.com slash Doughboys.

That's the URL for all our new winter merch.

Get it for the holidays for the Doughboys lover in your life or for yourself.

Don't stuff coal into their stockings.

Put one of these dumb gifts instead.

KinshipGoods.com/Slash Doughboys.

Sources for the intro are in the episode description.

That was a Hitgum Podcast.